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0nlythrowharrybeaux · 2 months ago

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Trying II**

HERE IT FINALLY IS! I hope you guys enjoy the conclusion to this AU! If you want more of this pair feel free to request updates on them! Read Part I and related blurb here!

Warnings: dirty talk, P in V (unprotected), breeding kink, free use kink, light gagging, edging and orgasm denial, overstimulation, oral sex (fem receiving), slight pain kink, alcohol consumption, mention of minor fertility issues

WC: 8.2K

Life had taken an extremely eventful turn for both, you and Harry in the last few months. For Harry, the opportunity to expand his business had risen very suddenly. The unit beside the brewery was a boxing gym and they had outgrown the space. Harry worked out there sometimes so he was friends with the owners and when they decided to relocate they asked him if he was interested in buying the space before they put it on the market. After talking about it with you and crunching some numbers he had bought it and now was in the middle of renovating. Obviously, this took a lot of his time and Harry had been really busy with the brewery as of late and it would stay that way for a few more months.

He had big plans for this expansion. He was going to expand his beer selection and also start working on brewing three of his own beers. The brewing portion was the first thing they were getting set up for the inspection and licensing process so that he could start fermenting his own brews on site. You were so proud of him and everything that he was doing but you missed having him around as much as you had previously. His expansion project pushed you to become an adjunct for an art class at the community college to bring some money in and also stay busy, so you truly hadn’t been smothering each other as much as you normally were.

On top of things shifting in your work lives, you had learned that you weren’t ovulating every cycle. You’d always assumed that if you had a period you had ovulated, but apparently that was not at all the case. It took you nearly six months with no success at pregnancy before you went to the doctor and had some tests done. Your hormones were a bit out of whack, thankfully no abnormalities had been found, so you had just been taking some medication to help block estrogen receptors and encourage the release of an egg each cycle. You had been on this treatment for three months now and you were very optimistic about it. More than ever before you felt and recognized the phases of your cycle more markedly, especially when you ovulated or were getting close. Sure, you were a naturally horny person to begin with but this was something else. It was like you had no resolve whatsoever. And despite the decrease in scheduled baby-making time because of your busy schedules, these changes had led to far more spontaneity in your sexual life with Harry. Like now…

“Baby…” Harry laughed breathily as you pulled him into the bathroom of the little bridal cottage of the vineyard you were currently at for a friend’s wedding. “Wh-what if Darci comes back for something and-”

“She’s not. She’s busy fake-crying at the toasts.” You assured him as you reached for his belt buckle. Harry chuckled into your kiss and his laugh morphed into a raspy groan as you slid your hand down the front of his slacks and groped over his semi-erection. You loved the way his cock fattened up so fast for you. As much as having a taste made your mouth water, you needed him inside of you and rearranging your guts more. “Please fuck me, daddy. I’m so fucking horny for you.” You said in a small voice as you peered up at him. Those, pretty eyes holding such an innocent look in them absolutely melted him to his core.

He smirked at your request, “Need my big cock, baby?”

You nodded in response, “Yes, daddy. So bad.”

“Alright, but we have to be quick, okay? You can come the first chance you get, alright?” You nodded in understanding.

Before you knew it Harry had you bent over the counter, your hands holding your bunched up dress in tight fists with your thong stuffed in your mouth because you could not keep it down while Harry fucked into you impossibly deep from behind. Your legs were trembling so much that Harry was basically holding you up. It was hard for you to come standing up and when Harry realized that you were struggling to come he quickly picked you up and set you down on the empty counter space and plunged back into you.

“Fuck…I’m obsessed with your tight, little pussy, baby.” Harry muttered as he thrust in and out a few times. He then started swiveling his hips a bit more and it was making your head spin. The tip of his cock was rubbing into your g-spot with each gyration of his hips, it was making your eyes roll back as you rubbed at your clit steadily. “Shit, you squeeze so fucking tight! Fuck baby, squeeze m’cock…yeah, come for me. Come on daddy’s big dick.” He encouraged you through your muffled curses. Your body shivered as these tingling feelings radiated all over your body from the deepest part of your core, right where the tip of Harry’s cock was colliding and out towards your extremities. It was causing your orgasm to draw out far longer than you were accustomed to.

“H-Harry!” You mumbled against the fabric in your mouth as the overstimulation made your legs start to visibly shake. Harry smirked down at you devilishly, his eyes dark with lust and excitement over wrecking you like this. You had the most worn out and tortured look in your eyes, it was going to push you over the edge again. “Fuuuuck!” You groaned in desperation. You couldn’t help but let out a whine, thankfully it was muffled. But he literally saw as your mind went blacn as the sopping, velvety walls of your pussy constricted his throbbing erection. Your eyes rolled back before your body started to tremble as your orgasm started to take you out.

“Fuck, that’s it, baby. Squirt on my cock…” he encouraged as you literally burst at the seams from the pleasure that was coursing through you. You were just seeing white hot ecstasy behind your closed eye lids. Your skin was covered in goosebumps as he continued fucking into you in long and deep strokes as he sought after his own orgasm.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come so deep inside of you. Gonna flood your little cunt with my cum.” He mumbled as he pressed his forehead against yours. He moaned from deep in his throat as his rhythm started to falter until he was blowing his load inside of you. “Fuck, there it is…” he mumbled softly as his orgasm started to course through his body. Harry’s knees were nearly buckling as he came undone. You were clinging to his shoulders, nails biting deliciously into his skin through his silky dress shirt. Your head was rolled back as you just saw spots on the bathroom ceiling. Harry grunted lowly as he gave a few more thrusts before holding himself inside of you. He gently pulled his upper body back and tucked your hair behind your ear with one hand before plucking your thong out of your mouth with the other. “You alright?” He asked softly.

“Course.” You whispered with a smile. “Sorry for…kinda shoving you in here.” You chuckled breathily and he grinned.

“That’s alright. It’s not like I didn’t want to…” he hummed and you giggled before kissing him gently. Your kiss deepened and after a few minutes you were pulling apart when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He sighed and ensured you were steady before stooping down to grab it. “It’s Ted.” He mumbled.

“Mmm…” you smirked and he chuckled. Ted was one of Harry’s friends who had moved out of state and returned for this wedding. They weren’t close according to Harry but Ted apparently had an entirely different perception of their friendship. You could’ve sworn he had a crush on him, but Harry didn’t think so because he was sure he was straight. Regardless of what Ted was, he was really intent on reconnecting with Harry and he’d agreed to go to the bourbon and cigar bar which would open after the toasts. “They’re probably about to open the bourbon bar.” You reminded him.

“God…I shouldn’t drink any more or we can’t get back to the hotel.”

“I’ll drive. I’ve only had three glasses of wine and don’t want more. With a little dancing later I’ll be good to go.” You assured him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, honey.” You smiled and he leaned in to kiss you again, “Jus’not too much, ‘kay? I need you to fuck me again when we get back to the room.” You added and he smirked.

“Mmmm, if anything, being a little buzzed for it would make it better.” He said and you rolled your eyes, “You don’t believe me but you’ll see.”

“It’s just you do this thing where you try to find the sweet spot and when you arrive there you don’t hold off long enough before you start up again and next thing you know you’re passed out in my lap for an hour and my arms and chest are itching all over for the next week from being in the sun too long.” You explained. Harry might own a brewery but he was a complete lightweight when it came to alcohol.

“That was one time.” He chuckled.

“Actually, that was just one example. I’ve got five more.” You said with a smug smirk.

“Alright, I’ll be mindful, baby.” He appeased you.

“Thanks.” You hummed as you wiped your smeared lipgloss from around his mouth.

You quickly cleaned up and Harry got back into his trousers before you were rushing back to the reception tent. It had cooled down pleasantly and you were enjoying the short stroll back with Harry, hand in hand. As soon as you were within eye-shot of your assigned table Ted stood and waved you both down as if you’d been gone for ages or lost.

“He’s so fucking eager.” Harry mumbled as you approached the table.

“He missed you.” You said sweetly.

“I’m telling you, we weren’t that close so it’s a little weird.” Harry reiterated.

“It’ll be fine.” You said.

“Where’d you two wander off to?” Ted asked with a chuckle as soon as you two stepped up to the table.

“On a little stroll so we could make out.” Harry said as he squeezed over your hip and you scoffed before playfully rolling your eyes.

“Harry.” You mumbled and he just smirked down at you.

“That’s understandable.” Ted responded as he smiled at you when you looked over at him. When you realized that he had really just said that you chuckled a bit uncomfortably before averting your eyes and Harry was stunned into silence for a few seconds before you squeezed over his hand on your hip and he glanced down to you.

“Well ummm…have fun at the bourbon thing.” You said and he offered you a soft smile.

“Sure you don’t want to come?” He asked you.

“That’s alright.” You assured him and tip-toed to hug him. “Just take this man with you.” You whispered to him and Harry chuckled as he kissed your cheek.

“C’mon on Styles, no need for the formal send off! S’not like she’s gonna get snatched away.” Ted said and you were glad you were facing away from him because the face you made would give away your slight annoyance at this comment from Ted.

“Take him. Please.” You implored and he giggled before you two pulled away. As they headed off with Fabian, the other guy at your table, Ted briefly glanced back at you. You saw it from your peripheral vision.

“I think Ted’s got a crush on you.” The woman beside you, Gaia, said.

“Oh god…I thought he had a crush on Harry. I’ve been teasing him about it all evening.” You said and the other ladies giggled.

“It’s because you kinda look like his ex. She was like, the one that got away.” Heidi, the woman across the table explained.

“Oh…” you hummed in understanding.

“Yeah, so sorry about him. He’s not usually like that, he’s just had a bit much to drink.” She explained.

You could understand that, so you didn’t want to make too big of a fuss but it had made you a bit uneasy in the moment. When Harry returned almost an hour later he was pink in the cheeks with a dopey smile on his face, and lidded eyes. You couldn’t help but shake your head as he approached.

“Baby, lets dance.” He said as he extended his hand to you and you immediately stood and shrugged off his suit jacket and draped it over your bag on your chair before walking off with him.

Harry pulled you out onto the dance floor and you immediately started to sway to Tony Bennett’s rendition of “The Way You Look Tonight”. You were both singing softly as you swayed together, gazes glued to each others. You often felt lucky to have him as your husband and it was happening right now. You giggled before reaching up to grab his face and kiss him. Your lips met in a deep and loving kiss before parting.

“Love you, honey.” You mumbled and he pecked your lips again.

“Love you too.” He whispered. “So…Ted asked me if we would be open to a threesome.”

“Jesus.” You scoffed and he chuckled.

“So…is that a no?” He asked and you rolled your eyes at his feigned disappointment.

“Shut up…” you muttered and he laughed lowly.

“I actually almost hit him over it. Had to remind myself he’s piss drunk to stop myself.” He explained. “And well…don’t want to do anything to fuck up Darci and Tim’s big day.”

“Well, I’m proud of you for having that self control.” You smiled. “Besides, Ted’s not even my type.”

“I know. Too straight.” He said and you laughed aloud, disturbing the romantic environment of the dance floor. A few of the couples around you shot you irritated glares and you whispered an apology as Harry shook with laughter.

“Oh, you’re too funny, baby. That was very clever.” you assured him through your soft giggles.

“I know…” he said smugly. “It’s true though.” He said and you giggled.

“Would you ever want to do that? Have a threesome?” You asked quietly.

“My body tells me yes, but my gut says no.” he said, “I just don’t think I could handle it. I don’t want to see anyone else on you. And I would hate for you to see me with someone else like that.” He explained, “I just wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself.” He added.

“Yeah…same.”

“Why did you hesitate, then?” He called you out with a knowing grin and you giggled.

“I mean, I’d feel guilty fucking someone else in front of you. But I wouldn’t mind seeing you fuck someone else.” You explained.

“Oh…didn’t peg you as a cuck.” He chuckled and you scoffed. “Hey, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re inadequate. It just means that it turns you on to watch me fuck someone else.” He explained.

“Oh…well, wouldn’t that actually make me a voyeur?”

“No, because it’s not watching anyone that turns you on. It’s that watching me fuck turns you on.”

“Oh…then yeah, you’re right.” You conceded and he smirked. “But it doesn’t even necessarily have to be fucking someone else. I mean, it’s just you. You turn me on. A lot.” You giggled, “To the extent that if you ever feel like getting yourself off around the house feel free to do so.” You said with a grin.

“Noted.” He smirked.

“You better not fall asleep tonight.” You warned him lowly. You were still very turned on and you needed more from him.

“I won’t.” He assured you and you tutted, “Honey, I won’t.” He insisted and you smiled.

“Okay…” you hummed with some reservation.

Sure enough, Harry passed out on the drive back to your hotel from the venue. It took nearly five minutes to get him lucid enough to get up to the room and washed up before he undressed and plopped into bed. When you finally got into bed after a quick shower, you leaned back into the mountain of pillows and turned on the TV. The noise seemed to make Harry gain some consciousness and he requested that you play with his hair. That’s how you ended up with Harry’s head on a pillow in your lap with your fingers threading through his thick curls as you mindlessly watched some Lucy Show reruns until you passed out.

After you and Harry hadn’t been as sexually active as before it wasn’t odd for you to have spicy dreams when you’d been left sexually frustrated. So when you felt a lovely little flame of pleasure licking away in the depths of your core you just eased into the feeling. You were teetering between being awake and asleep which made it feel all the more real. But when you felt your legs being parted by Harry’s hands you started to stir. And then, Harry was smooching down your stomach, making you a bit impatient as he hovered over your mons and continue nuzzling up against it as his fingers rubbed against the crotch of your shorts.

“Hurry up.” You mumbled groggily and he chuckled but proceeded to grip the band of your shorts and pulled them down. You helped him a bit by raising your hips and once they were out of the way he delved in eagerly. His tongue felt magnificent on you, it didn’t take long before your pussy was becoming all slick and fluttery with the things his mouth was doing to you.

Every inch of you was on high alert and feeling each and every wave of pleasure that started to ripple from your core and towards the rest of your body. The closer you got to your climax that more intense it felt until your muscles were growing tense and you reached the peak and then he waited a second too long and your almost orgasm slowly started to fizzle out. You couldn’t help but whine out at the loss, but it was just another second before he was back to your clit and flicking it over and over with his tongue until you were right there again, you were expecting it this time so it didn’t upset you as much, but you were still annoyed. Edging? At this hour? Especially when you had gone to bed so horny for him, it was criminal, but he could use you whenever and however he well pleased, so you decided to not complain about it until you couldn’t handle it any longer.

“Daddy, please…” you whined after your fourth almost orgasm. You were lamenting the loss as the euphoria just faded from your reach…all that potential gone.

“I’m going, honey. I’ve got an aching boner so m’not gonna last too long. I wanted to let you have your fun before I get in there. Still owe you for last night.” He reasoned and you smiled down at him.

“You are forgiven, just make me come.” You huffed.

Harry smiled before pressing himself up and well yeah, his cock was standing straight up, despite it’s size and weight. It was also looking a slightly painful shade of deep pink. Your mouth watered as he stroked his foreskin over his tip and then back down. You nearly whimpered as his lovely, fat tip came back into view. You wanted to suck on it until you were slurping the cum right out of him. You had always been a bit of a cum slut, but now that your hormones were acting more or less how they should, well your craving for his cum was something else entirely. You wanted to taste it, or feel it pooling at your lower tummy, or squirting on your face or breasts. You liked how much he came and how you could feel each twitch of his cock shooting it inside of you when he fucked you from the back. You loved how warm it was and how he did the most to ensure it tasted as good as it could for you. You love the consistency of it and got turned on by seeing it slowly oozing from your stretched out little hole. The thought of him busting inside of you made you so feral so you did not care if it was fast or not, you just wanted to feel him inside of you.

“How do you want me?” He asked you.

“Do it from behind.” You requested and you both grinned at each other before you flipped over.

Harry stuffed a pillow beneath your hips before guiding his hot and stiff cock between your slimy and warm folds a few times to let your arousal coat his cock. You were desperate to feel his girth stretching your entrance. And when he finally pushed the tip in you braced yourself for him to plunge the rest of the way in but he stopped. You could feel his fingers digging hard into your hips. You were just about to tell him to stop teasing but then your felt his cock start to twitch hard as a breathy and slightly distressed “fuck” slipped past his mouth.

“D-did you just come?” You asked in shock through a giggle and Harry groaned.

“Yep.” He admitted with a huff, “M’sorry hon, it just felt so good inside of you. Was edging myself for a while before I woke you.” He explained.

“Oh…well now you have to keep going ‘cause I haven’t come.” You said as you glanced back at him.

“I know.” He assured you, “Just…just gimme a minute here, it’s so sensitive!” He yelped and groaned before smacking your ass playfully. You had squeezed your walls nice and hard around his sensitive cock and it completely caught him off guard. You laughed a bit as you relaxed your muscles completely and he sighed in relief. “So fucking mean.” He grumbled. “Fuck you.” He chuckled lowly and you giggled again.

“I had to. S’pay back for last night.” You reminded him.

“This is me paying you back for last night.” He reminded.

“Really? Blowing your load the second you put it in?” You teased and he chuckled.

“Touché.” He replied and you grinned.

“S’alright, very amusing though. Just go slow.” You said softly and he hummed and pushed his length in a bit further into you before drawing out. You could feel him shivering a bit as he tried to keep himself composed but you loved that. “Give me more, daddy. Want to feel your big cock all the way inside. Love it when I’m stuffed with you.” You uttered seductively and he groaned as he fought against the sensitivity he was feeling in order to sink back inside your pussy.

You felt nothing but relief when Harry started setting a steady pace, still a bit slow for how horny you were so you started to push back to meet his thrusts. Then you wedged your hand between your body and the pillow and with your own movements started humping your clit against the heel of your palm to get some friction to the throbbing little bundle. Harry felt your hips moving beneath him and held still to allow you to take over and go at your pace. Your heart started to pound faster and your moans to climb in pitch with each prod of Harry’s fat, leaking tip to your g-spot.

“Oh fuck, you’re so good, daddy. Your cock is so good.” You slurred, starting to get drunk on the pleasure you felt simmering in your blood. He had pushed past the point of the sensitivity now and just needed to come again. He needed you to go faster, he was going to lose his damn mind.

“Faster, honey. Go a little faster for me.” He encouraged you and you started to shift back a bit faster.

Harry’s hands smoothed up the sides of your thighs and over your butt. He squeezed and groped a bit before gripping around your waist and then leaning forward to grab your jiggling breast in his right hand. You moaned as he started to tug and gently pinch your nipple. In moments your breath started to shallow as you started to approach your climax. That lovely pulsating feeling that was running through started to increase in intensity. Your body started to grow hotter and your limbs to tense. You moaned and let your upper body just fall into the pillows before you as you started to give in to the feelings. Harry watched the way your spine curved so beautifully as you kept your ass up for him. He watched your free hand clench the covers tightly while you played with your clit with your other hand. Harry groaned and reached into your hair, grabbing a fistful and gripping it tight to keep you in that position. He mustered up whatever strength he had left and pulled your ass tighter against his front as he plunged deep into your dripping cunt with the most brutal and unforgiving thrust. Your brain blanked for a moment and gasped as he you felt him collide with what to you felt like a totally new spot.

“Fuck me hard, daddy…Make me ache!” You supplicated and Harry moaned at the whiny tone of your voice and the light slur you spoke with.

With your body bent the way it was it was already a little hard to breathe, but he had effectively knocked more air out of you with that first thrust. He released your hair and gripped your hips hard as he continued his merciless domination of you as you rubbed your clit in quick but precise little swipes. Side to side, side to side. So fast that the tingle in your core started to travel down your legs until your toes were curling for a second as your body tensed up. Then you felt it traveling up, making your tummy and chest tighten impossibly. When the feeling finally made it to your head you completely lost yourself.

“I’m coming!” You gasped before you buried your face into the bed to muffle your lewd and uncontainable moans.

Your were feeling relief and ecstasy as your body rode this perfect wave of euphoria. It was so easy to overdo it and you had. Your legs had started to tremble but you couldn’t stop rubbing, it felt too good. Even more so with Harry giving you his cock as hard as he was. It hurt so good that you were drooling. You were going to come again. And surely enough, just moments later you shrieked in shock as Harry held you down on his cock while he started to come with a deep grunt. You were a goner in that moment, completely fucked out. The feeling of him being that deep all while you rubbed your clit past the point of comfort was making you dizzy as you came on his dick. He could feel your pussy throbbing hard around his girth, it was dragging out his orgasm. He needed more of you. He wiggled in a little deeper until he brushed again your cervix, you tensed up and then he pulled back before he did it again and again as you held so perfectly still but remained so tense at the overwhelming feeling. He then shifted a bit and laid over you and you gasped as this made him drive in as deep as was possible.

“T-too deep!” You winced and he smirked and dropped more of his weight over you causing you to whine lowly and tighten your fist around the covers again.

“You said t’make it ache. So that’s what I’m doing, baby.” He said lowly, lips swiping your shoulder before he planted a gentle smooch to your warm skin. He then dropped the rest of his weight over you and your eyes squeezed shut as your brain went blank in response. “You’re gonna feel me for days, baby. Thoroughly fucked. Cute little cunt all wrecked.” He mumbled and you nodded. “Pussy bred.” He added. You could hear the smirk in his voice and smiled as well.

“Thank you, daddy.” You mumbled, drunk on him and his cock and the cocktail of pleasant neurotransmitters firing around in your brain.

“You’re welcome, baby.” He hummed in satisfaction.

And as you laid there in the postcoital bliss you were glad that you’d be staying an extra day before flying back down to LA. You’d rented yourself a vintage luxury car for the weekend and were just treating this as a romantic getaway since you’d both been so busy lately. When you looked at the clock you saw that it was barely 7:30am, you had your first wine tasting reservation in a couple hours and then an early dinner planned before settling in the for the night since you’d be flying out the following morning. You had agreed to get really into this wine tasting afternoon when you’d booked it so you two had dressed up in a vintage, old-money aesthetic. Plus, driving the sleek, light blue, topless, 1963 Mercedes 300 SL roadster through the seemingly endless sea of vegetation really fed the aesthetic you were going for.

“God, I love California so fucking much. Never gonna leave.” Harry had said to you as he drove you two to your next destination.

Your had so much fun at your activities with Harry without a care in the world for anything else that was going on. It was just you two again talking, making memories, and sharing things you hadn’t gotten the chance to talk about yet. The way he ogled you and touched you and flirted with you was reminiscent of when he was first trying to get you to fall in love with him. All all throughout dinner he’d been asking about you and how you were doing now that you were working again and you had just finished telling him that you felt that it was going well and that you really liked all of your students.

“I’m glad your class is going well, baby. Just…don’t fuck a student.” He cautioned, “Bad idea.” He added lowly and your eyebrows furrowed.

“Okay…I’m gonna need to press for more information regarding this sudden, unsolicited advice?” You probed with a smile.

“I just…have experience in this area.”

“What?! Since when have you taught?” You asked him in surprise.

“Not me.” He scoffed, “Well, yes me, but I was the student.” He said. Your jaw dropped, you were genuinely gobsmacked for a few seconds. Learning that little Mr. Goodie-Two-Shoes here had fucked a teacher was not on your bingo card.

“I need you to tell me all of it.” You said with an excited grin when your brain finally proceeded the information. Harry chuckled but got to sharing the anecdote.

Apparently, during the summer before Harry’s second year at university he turned into the statuesque, god-like being he is now. All baby fat gone, bone structure and musculature carved immaculately by god herself. And in turn he got very confident very fast, he had said cocky, but you couldn’t picture Harry being unironically cocky. He then shared that he had been single for nearly a year after his first relationship and really just wanted to fuck so he got on an app and started seeking someone out. He was in a college town, it was a small community, so he lied and said he was not a student at the local university. And well, she lied about not being a professor at said university and they met up and hit it off quickly so they hooked up.

They were a consistent hook up, maybe once a month, two or three if they were particularly needy, but they had agreed it was just sex for a few reasons. First and foremost their age difference, she didn’t intend to be dating a teenager. He was 19 and she was 35. But as time went on she started to like him more. Suddenly she didn’t mind that he was 19, in fact, she found it more refreshing because he listened to her, respected her, and apparently men in their 30’s and 40’s could hardly keep it up for twenty minutes. They were a good match sexually and after five months of getting to know each other and hooking up she told him she was in love with him. Obviously, Harry let her down gently but she took it very hard. A few weeks of radio silence later she tried to start things up again, despite her knowing Harry had no deeper feelings for her. He rejected her multiple times because he didn’t want to lead her on but it was getting hard to because he really was attracted to her. So he was glad that school was starting up again and he’d be more busy and he’d have more excuses to avoid her.

That was all going to plan until the Thursday evening of the first week of school. Harry shared that he hadn’t been paying too much attention when he’d walked into the lecture hall because he was walking in right at starting time. He quickly found a seat in the aisle seat of the second row since everything else was quite full. He still had one AirPod in as he waited for the last minute of his podcast episode to end as he started to settle in and unpack his things. Simultaneously, she had started going down the class roster so he hadn’t clearly made out her voice either, he had the time anyway since his surname started with S. Harry recalled that he had just glanced up to the front of the class at the sound of his name and when their eyes met she just froze for a moment before glancing down at the sheet in her hand again. She apparently barely got through his name from the mere shock and mortification of it all. Apparently after that class ended she resigned, so he had no idea what had come of her.

“Jesus…you’re a whole ass career ruiner!” You exclaimed and he nodded.

“Yeah. See, bad idea.” He reiterated.

“Welp, there’s not any cute students in my class anyway. Well…maybe they are cute, but just cute, you know? They look so small and juvenile, s’not really my type anymore. I quite like how manly you are.” You said and he chuckled.

“You mean mature.” He said and you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, that too I guess. But regardless, you do it for me just fine.” You assured him and he smirked.

“That’s what I like to hear.” He hummed before kissing the top of your hand. “Look, I know that we’ve been a little distant lately.” He started, “But I will make more time for us.”

“Well, we’ve both been busy and-”

“It’s not that.” He said and your brows creased as you nodded, urging him to finish, “I know that we’re trying to start a family, but when we’ve had sex I feel like I’ve just been using you.” He expressed and you pouted, “Like yesterday, it’s been all fast and spontaneous, like whenever the opportunity arises. And I know you gave me the permission to do that but because I’ve been so busy it just feels…different.” He explained, “It’s hot, I mean it always is with us, but I want to be more intentional about it. Specially when we’re also doing it to make a family together.” He said and you smiled. “So I will try to be more present and to make more effort for us.” He promised.

“Thank you, baby. But believe me, I understand that what you’re doing with this expansion is also for our future.” You assured him and he smiled and nodded. “Like, I know it’s also for your self-fulfillment and with your own beers it’ll be something you’re doing for fun too, but that’s alright with me. Seeing you happy professionally is also important to me.”

“Thank you for being so supportive and understanding, my love. As always.” He smiled and you squeezed his hand in yours.

In the end, this is what you loved about your relationship with Harry and also why your marriage worked. You were both so considerate of each other, so thoughtful. You had no idea when you would finally get pregnant, but you were just so excited for it because Harry would be the most incredible dad. He showed you every single day how much love lived inside of him, you were certain it would be boundless with your baby whenever they came.

…. A COUPLE MONTHS LATER ….

Harry had kept his word and did prioritize making more time for the two of you. You’d decided to do a sort of book-club thing together. You both read the same book and would have a date every Thursday night to talk about it and how your week had been going. You usually helped out at the brewery on the weekends, but had started to do more of that in the last few weeks since Harry was starting to work the flavor profiles for his beers and was quite consumed with that a lot of the time. Like this particular weekend, Harry was out visiting a few brewing labs around so-cal with Jeremy and you had stayed behind to run the brewery.

On Monday though, he would have the opportunity to make a small sample batch of possible types of beers and flavors he wanted at one of the labs. You were bummed about missing this part of Harry’s process but you had an appointment to check your hormone treatment that you could not miss. Any imbalance in hormones could tip you back into not ovulating as you were supposed to and you didn’t want to risk that which he fully understood, so you both agreed that you were okay with missing these things for each other.

Your appointment was early so that you could get back home and hop on zoom for a few hours to hold some virtual office hours and grade a bit. You were just waiting for Dr. Zelaya to come in and when she finally did with a big smile you immediately perked up.

“Y/N, guess whaaaat?” She sang as she came in and closed the door behind her.

“It worked?” You asked with an excited smile and she nodded.

“Oh, it worked! You’re pregnant!” She shared with an excited smile and your jaw dropped.

“I am?” You asked in disbelief.

“You are, lovely. ” She confirmed and your eyes immediately welled up.

“Oh my god!” You finally exclaimed and cried tears of joy. Dr. Zelaya chuckled as she grabbed the tissue box and handed it to you “That’s such excellent news!” You sniffled through your chuckles of excitement.

“Yes. Congratulations! Now, if you don’t have more time today we can set another appointment for an ultrasound and see how far along things are. But if you can push things off I had a cancellation for 11:30 and can squeeze you in?” She offered.

“Oh yeah, I’ll come back! Besides, I skipped breakfast because I woke up late.” You confessed.

“Happens to the best of us.” She assured you. “So I’ll let the nurse know you’ll be back in a little while. And may I recommend you try the Marmalade Cafe, it’s on Ventura, right after Kester. They have a delicious chorizo Benedict, there’s a vegan chorizo option too if you’re of my persuasion.”

“Ooh, I’m not vegan but you guys do seem to have some the best foods.” You said and she giggled.

“Yeah, things have gotten really impressive on that front.” She nodded as she finished typing a few things on the computer. “Alright, I’ll see you back in about 2 hours for your first ultrasound. Will your husband join?”

“He’s actually out of town on a business trip. But I want to have pictures for him for when he gets back tonight.” You explain.

“Oh, he’ll love that. What a nice surprise for him to come home to.”

“Exactly.” You added with a smile. You chatted a bit more before you headed off.

It was genuinely so hard for you not to call Harry right away and tell him the good news, you were bursting at the seams. You also wondered how everything at the flavor trials was going, you were genuinely disappointed that you were missing such an important milestone in this process for him. He really wanted you to be a part of this because despite being married to him, you weren’t necessarily a beer girly. So he had said that he’d want your input on the three beers he wanted to have so that he could get a novice’s critiques on the beers. He also really valued your input as his life partner and you often helped him ask the difficult questions and things of that sort. Not that he wasn’t able to stick up for himself, but he never wanted to come off as insecure or maybe even difficult to work with, but you were so diplomatic about everything that he loved when you’d bring up the difficult or challenging things before he did. Regardless, you wanted to make up for not wanting to reschedule this appointment and this would definitely be the best thing to share with him to make it up.

Before you knew it you were back at the doctor’s office and watching the monitor with tearful eyes again as the doctor pointed out the embryo to you.

“I’d say you’re about six, almost seven weeks along.” She shared with you and you nodded, “Have your periods been more or less regular?”

“Yeah, they vary a bit with the medication but honestly I have just been so busy that I lost track of my cycle this time around.” You explained.

“Okay, just making sure.” She said, “Everything is looking as it should. I know you’ve been taking such good care of yourself, so keep that up, s’good for the future baby.” She said and you nodded with a smile.

Once you had your photos printed you headed off to get a dessert to share with Harry and a little picture frame for your sonogram picture. You were sure he’d want to keep his copy with him so you’d just break the news to him with your copy. You were just getting in when you saw Harry, freshly showered and making himself a sandwich in the kitchen as you came in from the garage.

“Baby, hi!” He greeted you cheerfully.

“Hi!” You greeted with a bright and surprised smile, “What are you doing here?” You asked happily as you put everything down and hurried over to hug and kiss him quickly.

“We got to the tasting and I just couldn’t do it without you there. It just didn’t feel right to start the process without you. I rescheduled for two weeks from now and we can make a little weekend out of it? We went to this incredible sushi restaurant that I know you will die for.” He said and you giggled.

“Speaking of beer and sushi…” you said through a small chuckle, “I have some good news for you.” You teased and he smiled wide.

“Your treatment is going better than expected?” He asked and your brows raised.

“More than…” you said with a smile, “I’m pregnant!” You shouted with a huge smile and Harry’s features softened.

“Honey…” he said tenderly as he came up to you, “Yeah?” He asked for confirmation as he grabbed your face gently and you nodded. Your eyes started to well up when you saw the tears forming in his own eyes.

“Yeah. You’re gonna be a dad, H.” You confirmed and he dipped down to kiss you deeply before pulling back to hug you and hold you close.

“Oh, you just made my whole fucking year. My whole fucking life…” he hummed “I’m so happy I don’t even know what to say.” He chuckled as he swayed your bodies a bit and you laughed.

“I mean, same! I was so surprised when the doctor told me. It was very unexpected.” You explained through a happy giggle as you rubbed over his back, “I bought a slice of chocolate cake and framed a picture of the sonogram for you to see. Had a whole thing planned since I thought you were getting in later.” You disclosed and he let you go to allow you to grab the image of the sonogram. When you handed it over to him his tears definitely started to fall.

“I don’t even know what the fuck I’m looking at but I just know they’re already perfect.” He said through his sniffles and you laughed and then brought your hand up to the image.

“It’s right…shit, was it this thing or this one?” You questioned as you pointed between two different areas on the sonogram.

“Baby…” he huffed.

“I’m kidding! It’s this little smudge. I’m almost seven weeks along.” You shared as he set it down and then picked you up and spun you around happily as it finally hit him. You shrieked as your sandals were flung off by him spinning you.

“We did it!” He chanted a few times as you spun before he set you down on the counter. “Oh baby, you’re going to be phenomenal. Everyone at the brewery is going to be so happy when they see your bump coming in!” He said as he squeezed your thighs in excitement, “And well, I mean, I don’t care what we’re having, I just want to buy stuff and look at baby names immediately!”

“We can do all that.” You giggled as he started to get a bit hyper over this but he was just so fucking pleased with the news. “We’re gonna be good at this.” You said softly and he nodded.

“Undoubtedly so.” He hummed as you ran your thumb over his cheek bone. “You’re really pregnant.” He chuckled again in slight disbelief. “I’m over the moon. I feel like I have super powers, like I could fly.” He chuckled.

“Please do not test that theory.” You joked and he sniggered.

“And here I thought I already loved you as much as I could.” He hummed and you grinned.

“Wait until we meet the baby.” You said and he sighed and smiled.

“It’s going to be so cool.” He hummed and you nodded and then your smile faded a bit.

“Thank you for being patient.”

“Oh, no…” he said, “Like any of that was in your control…”

“Well, if I had just listened to you from the beginning and gone to get checked we would’ve caught this sooner.” You acknowledged and he shook his head.

“None of that…it happened when it was supposed to. If it had happened sooner you’d be in the middle of that while we’re in the middle of this expansion. It would’ve been a lot of stress to deal with. I mean, maybe I would’ve even passed up on the opportunity if you were pregnant when they offered the unit to me.” He said and you sighed, “Besides, it can be scary to go and get these things checked out. There’s always a risk of receiving bad news and that’s anxiety-inducing. I understand, baby. But we finally did it.” He said and you nodded before kissing him deeply.

Harry wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer. Your legs wrapped around his body and you slightly pulled back from his lips.

“Baby?”

“Yeah, my love?” He asked.

“Can we eat the cake now?” You asked with a little grin and he chucked.

“Yeah, we can eat the cake.”

“I just have a simple request.”

“Shoot. Anything for m’girl.” He said with a smile.

“Put it in the microwave for like 20 seconds. Like when it’s all warm and melty.” You said and Harry smirked.

“You know what I like all warm and melty?” He said suggestively and you giggled and kissed him slowly for a moment.

“Promise me we’ll be like this with each other forever?” You asked and he smiled, “Kids can be great but they can also change things with us.” You pointed out.

“You’re right.” He agreed, “But I want you to know that to me, you’re the top priority. Always.” He shared and your gaze softened, “Everything I do, I do with you in mind.” He shared, “I exist because you do.” He said and your heart melted in your chest as he said this, “And as long as you’re alive I will choose you every day. I’ll always be in love with you.” He assured you and as your glossy eyes met his you saw his sincerity and believed him. You grabbed his jaw and pulled him in for a searing kiss before pulling back, “Believe me, we were meant to do this together.” He assured you and in that moment you knew everything was going to be alright.

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fatuismooches · 6 months ago

Text

puer et monstrum.

synopsis: You attempt to help the adult raven reconcile with his younger fledgling self. In other words, four times Dottore ignored his child segment, the first time he didn’t, and the last time he did.

includes: dottore + platonic! zandy w/ gn! reader

notes: You grow to greatly love Zandy, Dottore's child segment, but you can't help but notice how your husband pays no attention to him. Therefore, you will try your best to change this. Fragile reader, lots of fluff, angst, very cute, you know the drill. Part of this fic is also greatly inspired by this ask (thank you to this anon!)

I. creation

At this point, Il Dottore had a good amount of experience creating segments.

Sure, the number of times he had failed was far greater than he liked, and he could count the number of successful segments with his fingers, but he had the general gist of the process and all. So, he decided it was time for him to create another segment of himself. This brought about the obvious question of what phase of his life he should bring back into this world. Dottore pondered this question for a while. He already made them all based on important parts of his life - when he was in the Akademiya, when he first became a Harbinger, and now one based on his current self not too long ago, just to name a few. He desired something new, something that could be vastly different.

In the end, he decided to create a child segment.

His other segments were not very happy with the decision. A child would cry. A child would whine. A child could not do the tasks they could. A child would do… child things. It was a nuisance. But Dottore dismissed their complaints.

What good would a child’s perspective bring him? He didn’t know, but that was exactly the point. He didn’t know, which was why he sought the answer. And the only way to find this out was to create the child just as he’d done with his other younger selves.

After much time, money, and energy were exhausted, it was done. The child opened his eyes for the first time and saw a tall figure amidst the blinding lights. Once the masked man noticed his awakening, he looked at him, as if waiting for him to fully gain consciousness, and then spoke before the child could say anything.

“I am Dottore. You are a segment of mine that I created. You shall be called Ten.” After that brief statement, the man seemed to have finished all that he was going to say. That was when the child noticed the crowd of similar-looking blue-haired men as well, discussing things that he could not wrap his head around yet.

The child, now called “10”, had so many questions. Where was he? What does he do now? Why was he called a number? He doesn’t remember being called that before. Was he not Zandik anymore? The child wasn’t sure whether or not being ‘Zandik’ anymore was a good or bad thing. Maybe if he wasn’t ‘Zandik’ anymore, people wouldn’t scorn him so much.

Who are all these people, and why do they seem a bit similar to him? Being but a little kid, naturally, he was lost and confused, and he could not help but grasp the leg of the man called Dottore timidly. Immediately, the Harbinger stiffened at the contact, eyes swiftly moving to meet 10’s. The only person who ever touched him unprompted was you, but he had not felt your touch in centuries, so the sudden touch of the child surprised him.

Though 10 could not see the taller man’s eyes, he didn’t think they were very kind. The child didn’t think the other man’s eyes were like his parents, or like the people from the village, no, but there was a certain feeling expressed toward him that 10 couldn’t explain. Regardless, 10 quickly received the message, and his hand slipped away from his creator’s.

“Tend to him,” was the lone order Prime gave the other segments before he left, leaving the little one all by himself, despite being surrounded by others.

II. curiosity

Being segments of the Harbinger meant they were busy people. Being the Harbinger himself meant that his time was even more sparse. This meant that any attention dedicated to 10 was few and far between, and pretty much always not of their own free will. One would think a child would be quite disheartened by the lack of attention, and well, they would be right, but 10 had long grown accustomed to being by himself ages ago considering his childhood. Did he like it? No, not yet at least. By the behavior of the other segments, he eventually grew to prefer being by himself.

But 10 was still a child, curious about the world, which meant that he still did seek out the older segments’ company from time to time. Well, most of the time he was shooed away, but on rare occasions, 10 was able to be the recipient of some ranting by the younger segments or perhaps the observer of their intricate work (that was deemed acceptable to be viewed by children.) However, something 10 was able to learn was that there was one person whom the segments and Prime always seemed to offer their attention, willingly too.

[Name].

The kid seemed to be the only segment who didn’t really know you. 10 didn’t pay much attention to his older selves’ “patients”, but being an attentive and curious boy, he realized with due time that your name always seemed to be murmured by them. Not with the detached or annoyed tone the segments took on when regarding others, but it was different. Again, the young one had trouble putting his finger on it exactly, but if he had to put it into words, 10 would say they sounded a lot sweeter. It was an odd thing to say because if anyone else heard it, they certainly would not label the tone as sweet. It would probably sound simply normal to others. But that was truly what the child thought, maybe because he was connected to them in a way.

So of course, 10’s interest was very piqued. Oddly enough, for how nice they sounded, the child never saw a glimpse of you around the lab. 10 wondered what kind of person you were. How did you even know them? Would you talk about them in a sweet tone too? If you met him… would you speak about him that way as well? He wondered what it took for the older men to like you so much, maybe even… love? The child doesn’t know what love exactly looks like, but if love was anything like the stories he’s read, how the segments talk about you could be said to be a bit similar.

But if 10 were to compare the two some more, maybe they aren’t that alike after all, considering all the things that were different. If segments loved you, wouldn’t you constantly be by their side, as lovers in fairytales do? If you two were apart, wouldn’t his creator be anguished by the loss of your presence, just like in the books? Yet whenever he saw the original, his expression seemed to always be the same - calculating, tired, seemingly more absorbed in his research than worried for another. (For the child does not understand how well Prime wears more masks than one.)

So needless to say, 10 was confused. And with confusion comes curiosity, the need to seek out the answer, common for any child but especially for one as inquisitive as the blue-haired boy. In his room, 10 pondered for a while on what to do - he could try to sneak around for answers, but he imagined he’d get caught and scolded by the segments long before he found anything out. So, the child decided to simply ask about the matter. After all, the others always say asking questions is an important part of an experiment.

It’s still a gamble though, the child is well aware of the less than hospitable energy toward him by the others. They have a general… lack of patience for him. But still, persistence and the pursuit of knowledge are traits embodied in every version of Dottore. And so the child gathered up all his courage and set his little plan into action.

It was like any other day 10 had witnessed in the far too familiar lab. He had made sure to wake up in the very early morning - it was the best opportunity to catch a few segments together before they split up to do their separate tasks. Well, hopefully, they were there, some of them tended to stay locked up in their respective labs until they figured out the answer to what they were seeking. The child surprisingly had little sleepiness remaining in his system, the anticipation of the answer he would receive keeping him awake.

For once, it looked as though the segments were not bickering. It wasn’t quiet either though, they seemed to be discussing something work-related. But that was beside the point. Upon entering the room, the segments were a bit surprised to see 10, for it was obviously out of the ordinary for the kid to be awake, much less roaming around at this hour.

“What are you doing awake?” The Akademiya segment, 01, didn’t bother to hide his tone, unwilling to be vexed further with all the work he had left to do. But the child had come here with a determination that wouldn’t be swayed.

“I have a question,” 10 stated. The next segment who spoke didn’t spare a glance at him.

“And it could not wait until morning? You felt the need to interrupt us now?” 04’s response was blunt and straight to the point as usual - he was a segment that was perpetually annoyed. 10 couldn’t remember a time when he’d ever seen a smile on this segment. And yet 04 seemed kinder to him than when he interacted with others.

Meanwhile, 02 watched with an unreadable expression behind his spotted mask. It was hard to predict what response you would get from 02 - would he be annoyed and snappy or perhaps treat you with a dose of excitement and interest? This time, however, it was the latter, as a grin crept its way onto his face.

“No, I want to hear this question. Surely, it must be greatly important for you to go to such lengths, yes?” 02’s red eyes gleamed, intrigued by the child segment’s nod. 10 nervously swallowed before squaring his shoulders resolutely.

“Who is [Name]?”

And then all the miscellaneous noises in the lab came to an abrupt halt. 24, who usually remained uninterested in the conversations of his other segments, had suddenly tuned into the discussion at the mention of your name. The other present segments, who were absorbed in their work mere moments ago, now had their undivided attention on the child.

“No one,” 04 said flatly, but the damage was already done. It was obvious that was a lie, and the child’s eyes glittered with enthusiasm as he began bouncing around to each segment.

“Who are they? What are they like? You like them, don’t you?” At the last question, 01 scowled at the declaration, hoping no one would notice the slight color of red at the tips of his ears. 02’s previous demeanor had changed into a blank yet thoughtful one, while 04 looked exasperated at the whole situation.

“How do you know about [Name]?” 24 was the one who finally responded to the child, and 10 awkwardly halted his barrage of questions. If 10 was being honest, 24 was probably the scariest of all the segments. The one closest to Prime and the most selfish.

“Well, all of you have mentioned them at least once… and when you do say their name, it just sounds like you like them. A lot,” 10 stared at the ground as he shared his observation. “You don’t sound like that for anyone else.” The segments were silent once more. The question was, were they that obvious, or was the brat just really attentive? The answer was most likely the latter, but still. This wasn’t a good look for them.

“I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later,” 01 had recovered from his embarrassment, “Considering how much Two prattles on about them.” 02 frowned at the sudden accusation.

“Excuse me? That is rich coming from you,” the clone quickly snapped back, for the other was no exception to carrying on about you. 24 just grimaced at the start of another bickering session between his other selves.

“A-Anyway!” 10 interrupted the others before he could be ignored. “Can I know who they are? Can I see them?” The child pleaded earnestly as another pause swept through the room.

“You will not stop begging until we say yes, won’t you?” 04 sighed. “However, that decision is up to Prime.” 10’s shoulders drooped. He wasn’t really sure if Prime would listen to him, considering how rarely they ever spoke.

However, miraculously enough, a few days later, his wish was granted. He doesn’t know why Prime decided to do it, but 10 was just happy he’d finally know about the mysterious person! Funnily enough, the news had spread to all the segments, and all of them had decided to gather in the same space to tell their own opinion about you. 10 had never seen them… congregate like this. They seemed to enjoy the common topic - you - but the squabbling about certain matters (again, you) still took place. The child learned more things about you than he even understood.

But he knew the basics now - you were their lover, meaning you loved them and they loved you, which even though it was not explicitly said, the child knew it anyway. This was obviously something a bit difficult for 10 to wrap his head around, but he found the idea thrilling. He knew his older selves well enough to know that you must be a pretty amazing person to have them so interested.

Unfortunately, the child couldn’t prove this hypothesis of his, as he later found out the reason why you were nowhere to be seen. 10 remembers the first time he saw you, accompanied by another segment (18, this time.) Hooked up to a machine with countless wires, hands laying limp by your side, along with your chest that unnoticeably rose and fell. You were nothing like what 10 thought you’d look like. And yet he too thought you were beautiful. Sure, the child couldn’t see your eyes or smile or hear your voice, but as he held your hand and compared it to his much smaller one, he just had a feeling you were nothing like the grown-ups that he once knew long ago. But 10 was disappointed.

“Is [Name] going to be okay?” 10 worriedly looked at the segment, wondering about your current state. The others hadn’t disclosed many details about your illness.

“They will,” 18 affirmed. At least this segment was nicer to him than the others, with his softer tone and gentler mannerisms. He was still a Dottore segment, however. “One day they will wake up.” With that as his only answer, 10 went back to tracing the lines on the palm of your cold hand, hoping you would open your eyes again soon just like the other blue-haired men.

Since then, 10 found himself visiting your silent room, save for the beep-beeps from your machines, more and more often. There was just something about this unmoving, sleeping grown-up that drew him in. 10 had so many questions to ask you… but for now, he settled for reading his stories aloud to you. Maybe you could hear them too. Occasionally, some other segments dropped in to check on you, but they didn’t pay much mind to him other than reminding him not to touch anything, as his presence near you had become commonplace.

However, on one particular day, 10 found that your room was already occupied by someone else. 10 had heard a familiar yet muffled voice coming from inside, yet he could not make out the exact words from outside in the hallway. Carefully padding closer to the room, the child strained his ears to make out the words. It sounded like the person was talking to another, like a conversation, only that it seemed one-sided since 10 could only distinguish one voice. Finally, he got the courage to gently push the door open a bit more and peek to see who it was inside.

It wasn’t merely a segment there to check on you, no, this time it was Prime Dottore himself, sitting near your side in the same chair that the child always sat in. The child was surprised - he rarely ever saw Prime outside of his lab or office, and when he did, it was usually when Prime was forced to attend to certain Fatui duties. Of course, he never paid much attention to his child segment. Unfortunately, 10 had stared a bit too much, as the original quickly noticed his presence and immediately got up from the seat. 10 jumped a bit too, instinctively pulling back and hiding against the wall. But it was too late.

“Come in.” 10 had no option other than to comply, as he shyly stepped into your room, still clinging to the wall. The child nervously swallowed as he scrambled for an excuse as to why he was intruding.

“Um… I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here,” 10 apologized meekly, hands behind his back as his eyes flicked from Dottore’s face to the floor. The older man’s expression was unreadable, and it was silent for a good few moments before he spoke.

“I see,” was all Dottore said before he started walking toward 10, or rather, the door. The child looked up at the figure that had now gone past him, words leaving his mouth before he could think.

“Were you talking to [Name]? Do you miss them too?” Now that 10 thought about it, he had heard all about what the other segments had to say about you, but he still didn’t know the original’s feelings. Still, the child was surprised at himself for being able to ask Prime that. At the question, Dottore stopped in his tracks, seemingly contemplating whether he should respond or dismiss him before he turned around and faced his child segment, who then stiffened at the direct look.

“I hear that you’re with them quite often.” 10’s eyes widened at the response and nodded, although it wasn’t really an answer to his questions. “[Name] enjoys your company.” This only served to confuse the child even more, as he then glanced at your body. (For only Dottore knows about the time he found you asleep with a smile after the little boy left your room.)

“They… do? How do you know?” But when 10 looked back, Dottore was already gone. Well, he knew not to expect much conversation from him anyway, but still, he was greatly curious at his words. Regardless, 10 then walked up to you and made himself comfy near your bedside.

“Why do you like him so much, [Name]?” 10 inquired, playing with your fingers as he rested his cheek on your body. But of course, he received no answer from the person he was closest with yet farthest away from in this lab.

Even at the end of all of this, 10 still wasn’t exactly sure of what to think of you, having not had a real conversation with you yet, but he thought you seemed really cool, even while hooked up to a machine.

III. close

Change was not something 10 was familiar with. He was stuck as a kid forever, he was stuck in the lab, unable to leave like the other segments, he was stuck with the same toys and stories and other various pastimes that had long grown boring. So, the excitement of the unpredictable was something sorely lacking in the child’s life. Not to mention, the lab was a pretty dark place, both figuratively and literally. Although the boy was used to it, he wished it would be a bit more lively.

And after countless years of wishing, his wish finally came true. You, the mysterious sleeping grown-up that he only heard stories about, [Name], had finally woken up from centuries-long slumber. 10 was, to put it in a child’s simple words, “super happy”, but anyone else could see that his feelings went beyond that. However, despite 10’s great desire to meet you, he had decided to wait a bit, just to observe you.

The child followed you around, looking at you from afar, always slipping away before you could notice his presence. Seeing you up and walking around was so different from the once unmoving body he was so accustomed to. He listened to your voice. He watched you relearn so many things. He saw how sweetly you interacted with the other segments, and how keen they were for your touch, how they would tend to you on your weaker days. The child had never seen anything like it. 10 would have never believed the amount of change one mere person could bring. Meanwhile, the segments remained indifferent to the boy.

The more 10 watched you, the more he finally wanted to bask in your attention too. But the boy was scared. He remembered all the other adults in his life, from the village, and how they all looked and treated him with contempt. Could you be like that too? He wanted to think the answer was no, from how kind you seemed, but all the adults were so nice to the others except for him.

But maybe, maybe this time, it could be different. Everyone else approved of you after all. 10 wanted to trust you.

For once, his trust was not betrayed. After 10 finally introduced himself to you, you had given him so much attention it made his head spin. Your gentle and loving yet not overbearing demeanor. The way you listened to him seriously and reciprocated the energy, taking part in his childish activities. He was enthralled, to say the least.

You, on the other hand, were initially mystified by the appearance of the child. Not just any child, Dottore’s child self. Just to let that sink in, you had to keep repeating it to yourself. 10 was Dottore’s child self. He was him as a kid. What you were looking at was the embodiment of Zandik as a little boy. You couldn’t really believe your eyes at first. But he was real. Very real, from his higher-pitched voice (that was a really sharp contrast to Omega, for example) to his childlike demeanor and innocence.

The whole deal with the segments already took a bit for you to get accustomed to, but this was sort of new territory for you. After all, even though you’d known Dottore for so long, his childhood was something that came up rather infrequently. You chose not to pry further when you learned of how poorly he was treated as a child and instead offered him comfort in other ways. It had always made your heart ache and you wished you could do something more about it, to soothe his pain even just a bit. But now you quite literally had him in front of you, in a way. Quickly, your mind began working and formulating something.

Maybe… maybe you could help him by helping 10.

Sure, it sounded a bit stupid and probably useless at first, but there was no harm in trying. If anything else, you would be making 10 smile. From what you could infer, his life within this lab was far too dour for your liking.

Regardless, all those hours flew by in the blink of an eye, so much so that it felt like a dream. Was it, 10 wondered. But then the next day he found you eagerly waiting for him so you could spend more time with him. And the next. And the following day. And next week. Next month. And by then, he and the other were no longer merely numbers, but rather, they had names bestowed upon them, to truly identify them as individuals.

And so, 10 had become Zandy. The difference between his past and present self was just as stark as the name change. It wasn’t just him, either. The other segments seemed different too with you around, in a good way. In all honesty, the young boy thought you were magical because he thought this kind of reality would only be possible in fairy tales. Needless to say, Zandy admired you greatly and sought you out quite frequently.

He was happy to have you help him with his various assignments - to which your eyes nearly popped out when you saw the length and difficulty of some of the questions. You did help him, despite your shaky hands, but most of the time you stole him away to do much more fun things, that were “more important” according to you. The segments kept their thoughts to themselves unless they wanted to hear you gently scold them. It was amazing, Zandy thought.

The conversation of love had happened one day when you were putting him to bed after a long day. It had become a sort of routine for the two of you. You liked it because why wouldn’t you, it was the cutest thing ever. Zandy liked it because of how nice you were even when he really didn’t want to sleep yet, always indulging him with a story or a warm glass of milk. The segments liked it because they didn’t need to deal with him.

“[Name], you love the segments, right?” Zandy had noticed that the word ‘love’ came out of your mouth rather frequently, compared to the other blue-haired men. You blinked at the question.

“Yes, I do. Why?” You asked as you tucked him in for the night alongside his Ruin Guard plushies (that you extorted the segments for.)

“All of them?”

“Of course.”

“Omega and Beta and Alpha and Delta and Zeta and-” His words were stopped by your laughter.

“Yes, dear. And Theta and Psi and Epsilon and- you don’t need me to list out all of their names, right?” Zandy shook his head but he still had another question for you.

“How much love do you have in you, [Name]?” The child couldn’t help but wonder how you did it - loving that many people seemed like a lot of work. You chuckled at the question.

“Very, very, much. You cannot put a quantity to love. It just happens when I’m surrounded by so many lovely people,” you kissed the boy on his forehead. “And that goes for you too. I love you very much, Zandy.” The child’s eyes widened as he fell silent, to which you questioned.

“Zandy? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, his words further muffled by how he had now pulled the blanket over his head. You quickly connected the dots. He had probably never been told before that he was loved. You moved your hand under the blankets until you could feel one of his tiny hands, and then intertwined your fingers with the child’s.

“Hey, no need to lie to me, dear. You don’t have to hide around me,” you tried to gently soothe Zandy and coax him out when he spoke again.

“How do you know?”

“How do I know what?”

“That you love me.” His head popped back out of the blanket as he stared at you with big, uncertain eyes, but you only smiled in response.

“Well… for me, it’s simple. It brings me great joy to see you happy and smiling, and I want to make sure you continue to do so. I want to protect you, and I don’t ever want to see you hurt or sad. I want to make sure all of your wishes and dreams come true, and I want to keep you safe.” You said as you stroked Zandy’s hair. (You would have said that you loved him just as any parent would love their son, but you knew that with his experiences… it may not have been the most efficient.) Zandy’s lowered his eyes as he began to chew on his lip in thought.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever loved anyone before, [Name].” Zandy thought back to his parents, people whom he thought he loved, but now that he had you around, he realized that his feelings for them were nothing compared to what you made him feel. Loved.

“That’s quite alright. Love is a beautiful thing, but it isn’t easy. What matters is that one tries.” That was a lesson all the segments could use. It was a bit confusing for Zandy, but somehow, he felt he understood.

“I see…” The sleepiness had finally fully hit Zandy as his eyes began to droop.

“Now, go to sleep. You don’t want to wake up tired tomorrow.” The child nodded and snuggled more under the cover. “Sweet dreams, dear.” You squeezed his hand before kissing his forehead one last time, and then getting up to turn off the light. As the room turned dark, you heard a small voice from behind you.

“I… love you, [Name].” It was quiet enough that if you weren’t paying attention, you might not have heard it, but you found his shyness endearing.

“I love you too, my child.” You smiled before exiting Zandy’s room, leaving him to have wonderful dreams, and then you were slightly startled by the man waiting outside for you. Dottore, rather, Prime Dottore himself. Zandik.

“Dottore. You’re here. I’ve missed you!” Your surprise quickly morphed into happiness as you saw the person you loved. He looked pleased to see you as well, as you linked your arm around his. “I hope I didn’t keep you too long. I was putting Zandy to bed.”

“I am aware. You do so every day.” You giggled, a little bit embarrassed.

“Well, someone needs to. You know, you should join us! We could always use another playmate.”

“I believe you are far more suited to the task than I am. Moreover, how have you been feeling as of late? It seems you have more energy than usual.” The way he quickly changed the conversation didn’t go unnoticed by you. You had told yourself that you wanted to help Dottore by helping Zandy, but it seemed to you that he rarely ever interacted, or even wanted to interact with the child. Dottore didn’t talk to his segments much in general, but he still had to for experiments and general Fatui business. Zandy, however, was the exception. It did hurt your heart to see it happen.

Back in your room, you had some thinking to do.

Now that you thought about it, you should have seen this coming. It made a lot of sense for Dottore to behave like this. You knew his feelings toward his childhood, towards himself in fact. But was it right? Was it fair? Of course not, at least in your opinion. However, you didn’t know what Zandy thought about this. You had yet to see the two together, and you had never asked him about Prime either.

You wondered what your lover thought when he heard of you and Zandy together, you hugging and showering him in affection. Did he like it? Was he annoyed? Or did he not care, maybe something else? You always prided yourself on being able to comprehend him but…

This wasn’t going to be easy.

But you would see it to the end.

IV. complex

You often enjoyed taking walks around the lab. It was a good pastime and a way to keep your body active, not to mention the times you’d bump into a segment and end up taking a little break with him. Although you enjoyed the time by yourself, it could be a bit too lonely sometimes, which was precisely why Zandy came along.

You had found out that he knew every nook and cranny of this place like the back of his hand, having explored it for countless years as he had nothing better to do. Therefore, Zandy often showed you around the lab, more specifically, the unknown and harder-to-reach parts, also known as his favorite hiding spots. You were quite grateful for his assistance, as you were sure you’d never discover some of these places on your own.

Zandy was a bundle of energy that you could handle, well, most of the time at least. Were it not for your illness, you would have matched it easily. You felt a bit bad about not being able to keep up with him, but the child never minded. Although he tended to run in the halls and drag you around, he always paid attention to whether you seemed to need a break. A real sweetheart, indeed.

Today was one such day.

You and Zandy had already been in this area before, but it was so big you couldn’t complete it all in one day. The kid was eager to continue exploring with you, scampering in front of you and then jumping in place for you to catch up. You believed he was especially excited because, on one of these journeys, you two had discovered some sort of creature… or rather creatures lurking around.

The corridors always had some darkness to them, so you had not noticed the black puff balls hiding until one of them popped open its singular red eye at you. You would have yelped if you weren’t in awe of the cuteness of the silly creature. Similarly, once Zandy followed your line of sight, stars appeared in his eyes as more black puff balls came out of nowhere, and began scurrying toward you. The singular blue strand of hair reminded you of someone. Your best guess was that it was one of Dottore’s failed experiments.

Before you could advise the child to be cautious of these pufflings, Zandy had scooped one up already and was petting it. At least they seemed to be friendly - they had even gifted you a couple of shiny things, tiny pieces of minerals. And you swore you caught sight of a fluffy blue thing with a tail peering from afar too that seemed to be too shy to approach. Perhaps Dottore would let you keep them as a pet if you asked?

You giggled to yourself as you finished reminiscing about that. You did hope you ran into those things again. Meanwhile, Zandy had already gone ahead, turning into another hall.

“Now Zandy, don’t run too fast before you trip and fall!” You called after him, increasing the pace of your steps to chase after him.

“Come on, all the Mr. Fluffies are wait-” Zandy’s joyful voice abruptly stopped. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion before pushing yourself to jog a little faster. And that’s when you saw the reason why he had stopped - Dottore was standing over the little boy, the height difference so palpable that they both had to crane their neck to view the other. It seemed that Zandy bumped into him, but you were happy to see your two favorite people together. Perhaps this was a good chance to put another plan into action!

“Hello, Dottore. I’m glad to see you out of your office so much,” you greeted your lover with a pleasant smile. The man had no expression, while the boy hid his relief when he saw you. You tried not to bite your lip.

“I did not expect to see you here.”

“You know I like to take my daily walks, so Zandy here was just showing me some more places to go. But it looks like your secret spots aren’t so secret anymore, are they Zandy?” You chuckled light-heartedly, but when you looked down, you saw that the child was fidgeting with his fingers awkwardly, clinging onto your cling.

“Mhm.” Your smile fell.

“I see.” The two did not make eye contact, the tension suffocating. You cleared your throat.

“W-We could use another person to-”

“Unfortunately, I am preoccupied at the moment,” the Harbinger quickly dismissed your request. “However, do remember not to push yourself. Your body is still weak.”

“... Of course.”

“Good.” With a nod to you and without further eye contact to Zandy, he walked away. You held back a sigh before you ruffled the kid’s hair.

“Shall we continue?” Your smile didn’t reach all the way to your eyes, but you hoped Zandy wouldn’t realize. But before you could move, he spoke.

“Why do you like him so much, [Name]?” The child repeated the question he remembered asking you while you were still asleep. This time, however, he would finally get an answer. You crouched down to Zandy’s level, placing your hands on his shoulders as you pondered what to say.

“I love Dottore because… he makes me feel loved too. For centuries, he’s treated me better than anyone else. His kindness may not be typical, but I still receive it happily. His sweetness is bitter, but the taste is pleasurable. His love isn’t ordinary, but it soothes me either way.”

“That makes sense.” Zandy knew that wasn’t a lie. He had seen how his creator treated you. “Then Prime must feel the opposite toward me.”

“That’s not true.” You frowned as you immediately shot down the thought, stroking Zandy’s cheek gently. “Dottore just-” Before you could finish, Zandy looked up at you with a wide, forced smile as he broke free from your hold.

“It’s okay, [Name]. It doesn’t bother me. Now let’s go, I want to find those puffy things again!” And then the child was off, and you were left with an aching heart.

That same night, you paid Dottore a visit, unwilling to be a bystander in this anymore. At least he was doing paperwork this time. It was easier to gain his attention than when he was doing an experiment.

“Dottore.”

“Hello, [Name].” The scholar didn’t look up from his work, as he was already used to you popping in and hanging around for a bit.

“Are you busy?”

“I-”

“Good. We need to talk.” Dottore paused and looked up at you for a moment, who had now stood in front of him, your hands balled on his desk. He took in the dissatisfied look and thin line in replace of your usual smile, before responding.

“About?”

“Why do you ignore Zandy so much?” You said plainly, not in the mood to beat around the bush. From the way his pen stopped, you think he knew this was coming eventually.

“I simply do not have time to entertain the whims of a child.”

“It has nothing to do with that! I-, this is just basic decency. It feels to me that your lack of consideration is on purpose. It is, isn’t it?” Dottore was silent, not even moving his pen.

“Answer me, Zandik.”

“He has you. It is enough.”

“It is not enough. Zandy is a child. He is hurt by you. You are hurting yourself, Zandik. Do you expect me to be okay with this?” Dottore’s pen had started moving again. Your palms hurt from your fingers digging into them so harshly. In a last-ditch effort, you attempted to speak to him using those terms he liked so much.

“Did you not create him to understand his perspective of everything? So, how do you plan to do that if you do not try to speak to him?” It seemed you were not going to let this go.

“I created my segments to observe their perspectives. To preserve it,” Dottore clarified.

“Observe?” You laughed at that. “Pray tell, how will you do that if you don’t even try to be around the child for more than five seconds? And besides, merely observing never brings you the most satisfying results. I thought you of all people would understand that,” you quipped back.

“Please, at least… at least tell me you’re going to try. Just try, even if it doesn’t work out,” you pleaded with your love. Unfortunately, your words could not reach him.

“It is late. You should go to sleep.” You gritted your teeth at his response.

“Fine. Then I will simply treat you the same way as you do with Zandy.” As he opened his mouth to defy your declaration, you quickly spoke again. “If you think I won’t do it, then you forgot the person I was in the Akademiya, and who I still am now. I do this because I love every single version of you, Zandik, more than anything else in this world. If you want to test my love, then by all means go ahead, but I doubt you’ll find even one possibility where you’ll be able to. Good night.” Your tone was hard and biting as you left without letting him get in another word.

Dottore could only watch as you stormed out, leaning back in his chair to rub his forehead as his mask clattered to the ground. Il Dottore was used to getting his way. Zandik, however, not so much, especially when you were in the picture. This perspective of yours was always… always something he struggled to understand.

Of course, the Harbinger learned very quickly that you would make good on your word. Instead of his name being called, he had to deal with his segments being asked for instead.

“Omega, please administer the medicine for me today.”

“Delta, could you come over here? I feel a bit unsteady on my feet.”

“Sigma, would you visit me before bed? I would like someone to chat with.”

“Beta, let’s go to your lab. I’m bored!”

You walked past him without a glance. You did not ask him anything. You did not refer to him. He was practically invisible to you. You knew that you were technically being more harsh to him than he was to Zandy, but you weren’t going to stop. You also hoped that helping Dottore to be kind to Zandy would eventually spread to the other segments too. The segments were initially baffled by the turn of events but quickly adjusted to it, although the look Prime gave them certainly wasn’t something they wanted to endure. It didn’t need to be said that Prime was awfully upset, despite his unbothered expression.

In the past, every time you had pulled a stunt or something after an argument, Dottore would find it amusing. He had a bad habit of being unyielding and refusing to admit he was in the wrong, and that was coupled with his idea that you were just being childish. But every time, you stuck it out until the end and refused to back down too. Eventually, he stopped finding it funny.

The stalemate went on for a while. Dottore’s bed had remained cold for far too long, no longer having the pleasant surprise of finding you on it sometimes. His office was silent, your visits becoming nonexistent. Despite how he chided you sometimes for bothering him, his mind had become preoccupied with thoughts of you and what you were doing. It wasn’t good for someone who had so much work to do, and for someone who hated giving in. This simply wouldn’t do.

At the very least, he could at least still follow you around to see your sweet smile and laughter. You just didn’t know. However, it seemed every time he longed for you, you also happened to be with the kid. For a long time, every time he saw you be so sweet to the child, it felt like seeing an impossibility become a possibility, and yet he tried his best to ignore it. He knew how fond you were of his child segment, well, Zandy as you’ve come to call him, and he… he just didn’t…know how to feel.

Yet now he felt himself somehow drawn to the scene, in a strange way. Was it because he liked seeing you happy, and the child seemed to bring out your brightest smiles? Was it because seeing his child segment like this wasn’t something he’d ever witnessed before? Was it because he himself had never been treated so kindly as a child, and yet now he was watching it happen in front of him? Was it because his deepest wishes that he buried with his childhood self were now becoming reality? Dottore ignored the answers to his own questions, attempting to finish a report that was long overdue for Pantalone, but his mind continued to wander about what he had witnessed.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you and Zandy having dinner.

You and Zandy were sitting across from each other eating. Well, it was more like you trying to convince the child to eat at least a few of his vegetables.

“Zandy, at least eat a few. You don’t need to finish it all,” you gently urged the child. “How else are you going to become big and strong?”

“But they’re yucky,” he pouted. You chuckled.

“Perhaps I need to experiment more… I will find a way to prepare it in a way you like, my child. But for now, if you eat a bit more, I’ll… give you my dessert!” Zandy perked up at your words while stabbing the dreaded green thing with his fork.

“Deal!” He exclaimed while forcing the vegetable into his mouth (eating with his ‘family’ for once.)

Dottore remembers when he overheard you and Zandy playing a game.

You had recently purchased a game from abroad to pass the time. It had four surfaces and numerous columns that you needed to place small, medium, or large gears on. The objective was to place the right gears at the right locations in order to get them all going. Although you originally bought it for yourself, Zandy was quite excited by the idea, and you were never going to turn down an opportunity to challenge his brain. Within reason, of course.

In the end, you were content with simply watching the child play with the gears and figure out the answer by himself, or with small hints from you.

“Would you look at that! You’ve already finished all of the levels, and we’ve only started today… I didn’t even need to be here since you’ve got such a smart brain up there,” you teased, tapping Zandy’s forehead playfully. He blushed slightly.

“That’s not true. Your advice was really helpful, [Name]!”

“Perhaps, but your own thoughts were already more than enough. I would like to hear them more often.” The child glowed at the idea of you listening to him (instead of shunning him.)

“Okay!”

Dottore remembers when he overheard you reading Zandy a book.

You had a tendency to invite Zandy over to your room often, considering how much Zandy liked it. He marveled at the size and all your decorations, and the collections of your interests (how you had gotten Dottore to fund this was beyond the child’s imagination.) Not to mention, how soft and fluffy your numerous pillows were. Tonight, you were reading him a story, the child lying back against your chest as you held the storybook in front of you two.

“Alright, I think that’s enough for tonight,” you said as you stifled a yawn, and you also noticed Zandy was doing the same. “We can continue tomorrow.”

“Okay…” Zandy mumbled tiredly enough not to put up a fight. You put the book to the side and turned off the lights (with a remote, courteously created by Dottore for the days you couldn’t get out of bed.) Pulling up the blankets, you were about to wish the boy good night when he spoke.

“[Name]?”

“Yes?”

“I always have lots of fun when I’m with you but… do I bother you too much? I know you’re probably busy and you also have your illness and-”

“Zandy. I love spending time with you. And even if I am busy, I will always make time for you, no matter what,” you promised the boy (unlike that man and woman who left him forever alone.)

“Oh…”

“See? So don’t ever feel bad about it,” you reassured Zandy, which left him with only the sweetest of dreams to dream.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you gently lecturing Zandy.

Children are pure-hearted and innocent, and even Dottore was once a child. It wasn’t hard to see that Zandy and his other older selves were starkly different. The former was kind and sweet, and the latter… well, you didn’t need to say it out loud. But the main point was that you didn’t need to worry too much about Zandy hiding stuff from you. Once you broke down his walls, he was a very open and honest child. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you’d say. But of course, children were children.

You had left the child in the kitchen while you went to retrieve a new cookbook the Eleventh Harbinger had gifted you, wanting to try out some new dishes especially since Zandy was interested. When you got back, however, you noticed that his face seemed a bit flushed and nervous, and his hands were in his pockets.

“Zandy? Everything alright?”

“Um, yeah!” His voice sounded a bit odd, and you squinted at him while he avoided eye contact. You’ve dealt with Dottore who was a smooth, easy talker that could spin lies like nothing. Zandy, on the other hand, was too easy to see through.

“Are you sure?” The boy nodded in response, probably so his voice wouldn’t betray him again. “Show me your hands.” But he only had a child’s level of lying, from the way his eyes gave it away.

“But-”

“Now.” Zandy very reluctantly showed you his hand, and you then saw one of his fingers was dripping blood. Your heart sank.

“You’re bleeding? I- What happened?!” You rushed him over to the sink and began washing it, while your other hand rummaged through the cabinets for some cotton or bandages.

“I wanted to be h-helpful and get the stuff out for you. But I dropped a plate and it broke and I tried to clean it up and I cut myself,” Zandy mumbled, clearly not wanting to admit his mistake.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You were already used to seeing your own blood drawn, but Zandy was a different story. Seeing your child hurt had made you dizzy and uneasy, even if it was just a cut.

“... I thought you would be mad.” Zandy’s voice was but a whisper, and your eyes softened.

“And why would I be mad at you?”

“B-Because I broke something…” You sighed as you placed the bandage around his tiny finger.

“But it was just an accident, right? Accidents happen, and furthermore, we have dozens of plates. I would never be mad at something as simple as that. And I care far more for your well-being rather than a mere plate. So next time, please don’t lie to me. Okay, Zandy?” You said gently but firmly, as you finished treating his finger (a far cry from what his punishment used to be, living in that house.)

“Okay, [Name]...” The boy hugged you afterward, blinking back his tears on your shirt so you wouldn’t see them.

Dottore remembers when he overheard you talking to Zandy about him.

The stand-off between you and Dottore had gone on long enough for even Zandy to realize, even though you tried to keep him out of the loop. You should have guessed that the child was going to ask you eventually.

“[Name], are you and Prime fighting?” The question came out of nowhere, surprising you but you hoped it didn’t show.

“We are just having a… disagreement, dear. Nothing to worry about. And no, it isn’t about you or anyone else. It is just a personal thing between us,” you added before Zandy could inquire. You hoped he didn’t feel guilty.

“Do you miss him?

“Of course.”

“Then why fig- disagree so much?”

“Zandy, some things in life can only be resolved with disagreements. You’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone, even those you love. But they’re necessary so that you can move on and grow stronger together,” you explained. “Neither of us enjoys having spats… even though he treats them like a joke sometimes,” the last part was mumbled under your breath, “but we do get through them every time, and although it’s definitely not easy, it’s worth it.” Zandy blinked thoughtfully at your response, (an unconventional depiction of healthy love, rather than the conventional portrayal of an unhealthy one he once knew.)

“You’re really strong, [Name].”

“Strong? Not anymore. Patient? Yes,” you laughed, for you are the only one capable of loving a heretic.

Dottore remembers an awful lot, for someone who supposedly doesn’t care. He remembers all the moments you’ve spent with his child self, from when you were sleeping to when you woke up to the ones he heard through his segments. What you’ve introduced into Zandy’s life is the opposite of what Zandik’s life was like. Sheer love, to put it simply, even someone like him can see it, as he is no idiot. Dottore denies wanting to be accepted, and yet he is watching himself be accepted as he longed for. It makes him feel…

Regardless, this sort of mind wandering was no good for the Harbinger, especially the type where you have forced him to dwell about the child he is and isn’t. Before he knew it, the report sat untouched in front of him for a period of time.

Truly no good, and that is why his feet automatically move to find you once more. In truth, he hadn’t decided what he was going to say to you yet - whether to admit that in his heart he has yielded to you but his words will probably be the opposite.

It wasn’t hard to find you. You were usually in your room or a segment’s, or with a segment himself, minus the times you decided to take walks. At this time though, you’d probably be with the child.

Dottore was right. But it wasn’t quite what he had expected.

You and Zandy had fallen asleep… on the floor, hands barely brushing each other. Dottore sighed at the sight - at least it was rugged and not wooden. The cold wouldn’t have been good for either of you.

(Either of you?)

He made his way over to the two of you, bending down to move you to the bed. He first pulled your body to his chest with ease before his gaze flicked to the child next to you. His breath stills, hand hesitantly hovering over Zandy, fingers twitching with unease.

(Since when did he, the Second Harbinger, one that could very well be compared to a God, hesitate? This was foolish. It didn’t mean anything.)

And then Zandik slid his arm around the boy, bringing him into his chest too, and then rose to put you two comfortably to bed. He never thought he would ever tuck his child segment in, but here he was anyway.

It made him feel a little sick, the unfamiliar sensation along his fingertips and heart and mind.

But Dottore can’t resist giving you a kiss, having missed your lips for so long, which makes him feel a bit better. He’ll always have you, his beloved.

He should leave you two to rest properly, but he finds himself drawn to the scene in front of him. The ill feeling still remains somewhere, but a warmth that he wouldn’t name had started spreading too.

As he makes his way to leave the room, he dares not to look at the drawings scattered around, for they are persistent in portraying him as what he is not. In the poor scribbles, he is not a Harbinger, not a scholar or a scientist, nor a monster or the Doctor or Dottore in them.

He is just a man, one who can succumb to the side of him he so constantly rejects.

V. clumsy

You wouldn’t have believed last night happened if you weren’t there. But it did - you couldn’t sleep after you felt his warm embrace, but more importantly, after he held Zandy. You hadn’t even expected him to talk to the child so quickly, much less hold him so tenderly (even if that wasn’t his intention.) When it came to this kind of stuff, it was never easy to change his mind.

Needless to say, you were pleased but you knew he was never going to admit to it. However, you were still proud of him, and you were still determined to accomplish your goal.

Walking to Dottore’s office was something you had missed. When Zandy had asked you if you missed Dottore, the answer wasn’t just that you missed him - you longed for him, you yearned for his touch, you craved his presence. Such deep love was the reason why you wanted to help him.

When you get there, he’s preoccupied at his desk again. No matter how strong he may be, you still worry for his back sometimes. You should make some more snacks for him later too.

“Dottore,” you say as you walk in. The place was as boring-looking as it always is, the only decorations are the little trinkets you’ve gifted him that lay on his desk. His mouth opens to respond but he then immediately pauses, as he processes whose voice he’s hearing. He takes a few moments to study you as you continue to walk up to his desk, now standing in front of him just as you were the last time you were here.

“Hello, [Name].” He doesn’t show how nice it is to hear your voice again after so long, even though he has dealt with it for over four hundred years.

“Hello, Dottore. And how have you been?” Dottore watches you carefully with your line of questioning.

“As I’ve always have.” You hum in response as you glance at the papers on his desk, idly clicking and unclicking one of his numerous pens (that had yet to snap in half.) “I’ve heard your report for Pantalone is late. Is something occupying your mind, perhaps?”

“There is no such thing. The information is simply-”

“You know, I saw you last night, Zandik.” Your words cut him off as you watch his shoulders tense, and then relax. “I saw what you did.”

“I… see.” He probably knew it was futile to deny the claim. “And?” He watched as you walked around to his chair, your eyes glancing to his lap and back to his eyes as if asking for permission. He motioned for you to come closer, and you settled down on his lap, legs hooked over to the side. You were silent for a few moments before you reached for his large hand and held it with yours, rubbing your thumb over his knuckles.

“I won’t ask you to explain anything to me,” you began. “I… I don’t want to sound like I’m pitying you, I know you despise that, Zandik.” He remained silent. “But we,” you stressed on that word, “we can still make things right. It’s not too late to change things, no matter what’s happened before,” you said softly as you cupped Dottore’s cheek, caressing it gently. Your lover remained silent as he continued to look at you, his hand reaching to intertwine with your own.

“I remember every time your perspective clashed with mine,” he replied. You tried to ignore your rapid heartbeat. “And I remember the end result was that you were always right, and I was too stubborn. Yet you always pushed me to see it your way regardless.” Dottore’s hand rested on top of your head, stroking your hair as he considered his next words.

“Maybe this time I shall save myself the time and energy and listen to you instead.” You could have fainted, hearing Dottore admit that to you. Your mouth opened and closed, trying to find something to respond with, but there was nothing else you could do other than smile, ignoring the prick of tears in your eyes, and the way your breathing stuttered.

“... Thank you, Zandik. Thank you,” you whispered, nuzzling your face into his chest.

“However, I must say I may not be up to your-”

“You will,” you quickly interrupted. “You will be. You can do this, with me of course. We’ll take it slow and easy of course, I know this is quite hard and you’re busy and-” you continued to reassure him while squeezing his hand and nodding passionately, while he watched amused.

“I question where your confidence comes from.” You smiled, for that was an easy question.

“Because you are no monster, Zandik. Not to me, at least, the person who knows you better than anyone else. And even if the world views you as one, well… I suppose we would be two monsters together. That’s not too bad, right?” You chuckled, and he couldn’t help but smile a bit too.

“Perhaps you could be right.”

From then on, it was certainly a journey. An exhausting and long one to say the least. But it was also a rewarding one.

Obviously, even though he had given you his word, real life was different from the fantasy you wished for. There were still his overwhelming duties as a Harbinger, there were many days he didn’t even have time for you. And you - there were many days your illness left you far too tired to move around or even speak to anyone. And of course, Il Dottore was not going to change his ways overnight. It was hard dealing with him sometimes. There were still arguments. Clashes. Annoyance. It was never easy to mesh differentiating perspectives into one.

Still, nothing was enough to deter you or your love for him.

a. the potential attempt

The first step was to get them to be in the same space. Not even closely or with interaction, just to get them comfortable enough with each other. When you proposed the idea to Zandy, the baffled look on his face nearly made you laugh. He initially didn’t want to, which you could understand, but you played it off as wanting to spend time with both of them, considering how Dottore was frequently busy. Getting Zandy to agree wasn’t that hard, considering how much he loved you, but you still felt a bit bad. But this was for a good cause!

You were accustomed to chilling wherever Dottore was without fear. Zandy, on the other hand, was not the same. He spoke quietly and always flickered his eyes to see where and what Dottore was doing.

“Zandy, you don’t need to worry about him. Nothing’s going to happen.”

“But…”

“Trust me. I bet he can’t even hear us right now,” you nudged him to look at the older man. “See that look on his face? How hard he’s gripping his pen and how fast he’s writing? That’s how you know he’s so incredibly focused, he tunes out the rest of the world.” Still, the child didn’t look too convinced by your words, so you decided to prove it.

“Dottore, I made you some baklava,” you said rather loudly, yet there was no response. Zandy looked surprised now, you both knew how much Dottore enjoyed Sumerian desserts. “And, I brewed you a new pot of coffee.” His pen continued to scribble across the paper, as you then turned to Zandy.

“See? No need to feel so cautious.” Zandy’s shoulders seemed to relax until you spoke again. “Now you try it.”

“Me?!” Zandy whisper-yelled, looked as if you had asked him to commit a crime.

“Yes, you dear. How else will you get comfortable with him?” The child pouted and nuzzled into your arm, seeing as you weren’t going to give up. He chewed on his lip and he began to speak.

“I… Prime…,” Zandy tried to think of something, anything, “Prime… I ate your sweets!” The child immediately regrets it at record speed, anxiously hiding behind you.

“... My, my, how bold. Even I wouldn’t say that.” Zandy peeked out behind you and saw his creator was still diligently writing, and breathed a sigh of relief. “See, not that bad, right?” The boy nodded, but his mind wandered.

“[Name], I didn’t eat his sweets.” You cocked your head at his statement. “... But I think Beta did.”

“Oh dear. I suppose it’s time to get a lock on that fridge now… and then we need to make some more before-” At that moment, a snapping sound from the side made you two jump.

Ah. Dottore had finally broken his pen. Well, that one lasted longer than usual. You and Zandy watched with held breath as Dottore scowled and cast the broken utensil to the side, before looking at each other and trying to hold in laughter, avoiding the Harbinger’s eye contact and returning to what you two were previously doing. The man looked at your giggling faces with confusion.

“Is something the matter?”

“Not at all, love. Not at all,” you smiled, but by the fact that even his child segment seemed to be giggling, he knew you said something. (He ignores how foreign the laughter of the child sounds to him.)

Regardless, he sends you a look before shaking his head and returning to work (with a new pen.)

b. the awkward attempt

One of the moments that captured your heart was when Zandy walked in on Dottore giving you one of your shots. Needles weren’t unfamiliar to you anymore, and although they scared you (and still did, to be honest), thankfully Dottore and the segments had enough patience to make it as painless as possible. Zandy, however, never really saw the checkups or anything related because you really didn’t want to worry the child about your illness. But you supposed it would happen eventually.

The atmosphere had suddenly turned a bit awkward with Zandy now standing at the door, eyes on the rather large needle that sat on the tray, that was definitely going into none other than you. From his wide eyes, you could tell it probably wasn’t what he was expecting to see. Of course, needles, especially a big one like Dottore was holding, would scare any child his age.

“O-Oh! Zandy, you can wait outside for a few minutes. You don’t need to watch,” you explained, while Dottore stood silently next to you as he prepped the area of your arm. The child seemed conflicted for a few moments before he decided to walk closer to you and the Harbinger.

“No, it’s okay. I… want to see,” Zandy said. In reality, the boy knew you hid certain things from him and wished to know the truth. He wanted to know how badly you were hurt, maybe he could try and do something for you. (Perhaps this too, is a side effect of teaching him what love is.)

“You do? Well… I guess I won’t stop you then,” you said, a bit confused but you wouldn’t just send him away. Dottore placed a hand on your shoulder and got you to relax again for him. Meanwhile, Zandy had come up to the opposite side and looked at you with slightly worried eyes.

“Is it going to hurt, [Name]?”

“Well, it does prick a bit, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s the same as any other shot,” you tried to reassure him as his gaze became downcast. You bit your lip nervously, about to give him a solution, when out of nowhere Dottore himself spoke.

“Physical and emotional support from another party often makes the procedure less painful for the recipient,” he said in a monotone as if he wasn’t speaking to either of you at all. You and Zandy blinked at him before he continued. “I’m going to start the injection now.” Suddenly, it seemed like Zandy understood the message, as the child then grabbed your hand, and squeezed it with his much tinier one.

“You can do this, [Name]!” His instant enthusiasm distracted you from the prick of the needle, but also the fact that Dottore technically spoke to Zandy, encouraging him even. It was simply adorable.

“Zandy, I-”

“You know, there was one time I fell while-”

“Oh wow-”

“But I was okay because-”

“I see-” You had decided to continue smiling and nodding at the child’s attempt to distract you from the shot until he abruptly stopped, his eyes flickering to where Dottore had now finished bandaging the area.

“Ah, it’s finished,” you breathed a sigh of relief and deflated on the chair, but Zandy still had a load of energy for you to entertain.

“You didn’t even look a bit scared, [Name]!” You grinned and ruffled his hair.

“Why, I doubt anything in this world could scare me when I have my lovely son and husband with me,” you smiled as you kissed Zandy’s forehead, which he beamed at while Dottore turned away to clean up, an attempt to ignore how the scene made his chest feel.

A family, huh?

What a strange thing.

c. the successful attempt

You were quite proud of the progress Zandy and Dottore had made together, but still, the most important part remained. Now that you had gotten them to be in the same room with each other, you wanted them to at least manage a few short conversations. That was the biggest and most difficult part of this whole thing, but starting small was always the key. And so you decided to somewhat ‘force’ them into such situations. How? By just making the child run errands for you. (Sure, you could have let things run their natural course, but with these two, they definitely needed some kind of push.)

An easy way to make Dottore lighten up was to cook something yummy for him, with bonus points if it was something from his homeland. So that was what you and Zandy did - whipped up a bunch of samosas and even a pita pocket (since you knew he had definitely been skipping meals, much to your dismay.) You had packaged them nicely in a container for him to eat at his leisure and instructed Zandy to deliver them. He seemed less nervous than before but still a bit on edge, nevertheless determined to fulfill your wishes, as he soon found himself in Prime’s office. The man seemed surprised. The child avoided eye contact. The room was silent, without you to act as a middleman.

But Dottore decided to begin.

“Did you need something?” Zandy perked up at the acknowledgment and quickly began walking to his desk, slightly standing up on his tippy-toes to push the container of food in front of his creator.

“[Name] and I made this for you. They said you need to eat more or they’ll get mad again,” the child repeated your words verbatim, trying to gauge Dottore’s reaction. The scholar’s hands glided against the plastic, looking at the tasty treats that lay inside.

“I see. Thank you.” He began to set them to the side before Zandy spoke again.

“Um, they also want you to try one.” Dottore paused. Of course you would say that, he sighed.

“Very well.” He opened the container and picked out a samosa, the snack still warm. He ignored how enticing it was to his stomach and began to lift it to his mouth when he stopped and pushed the box closer to his child segment. Zandy looked at him with curious eyes and he motioned for him to take one. Happily, the boy indulged his request and popped the samosa into his mouth, which Dottore soon followed suit, the two savoring the flavors of your delicious and homey cooking.

“How would you say that was?” He questioned Zandy. The child still had trouble he was being acknowledged so much but responded in kind.

“The most delicious thing ever!”

“I would say the same.” And that was the end of the conversation, as Dottore returned to his work and Zandy scurried away, both content with the conclusion. Dottore’s answers may have been short and swift, but it was progress.

By now Dottore had caught onto your little game, while Zandy was just happy to be helpful to you. There were a lot of other instances where you sent him to Dottore - to fetch some medication, to bring Dottore a letter (that totally didn’t just have three words on it), to bring him some new writing utensils, and much more. The occurrences were all short, but they were beginning to grow a lot less awkward. You were happy.

This time you asked Zandy to fetch a book from Dottore, which was actually a legitimate request this time. He really wanted to learn more about those Ruin Machines, and you figured it would be a lot easier if you had a book as a reference. (Dottore had not yet gotten used to the Zandy’s appearances, still a bit stiff and unsure about the whole thing. But they weren’t unwelcome visits, no, they were starting to become a constant in his life.)

Zandy, on the other hand, had already started to feel much better about interacting with Prime Dottore, thanks to your words and Dottore’s much better actions. The once dreaded path to his office had now become a lot more lighthearted. Sure, he was still a bit tense sometimes, but he thinks most people are that way around Dottore (except you, you’re special), so when he finally makes it to his creator’s office once more he’s not too scared. The older man doesn’t seem to be surprised at his visits anymore.

“And what request do you come to me for today?”

“[Name] and I need a book.” Dottore’s eyes widened. You knew the kind of books he had were… well, inappropriate for some eyes. “A book about Ruin Machines and Guards and Graders and Hunters and their parts and designs and all that cool stuff!”

“I see.” Well, that made more sense. The Harbinger got up from his seat to retrieve a book on that topic, when a sudden and uncharacteristic thought came over him. He did enjoy reading books, as they were a wondrous source of information, but he still far preferred hands-on learning. He wondered if… if perhaps his younger self would prefer that too right now.

No, he knew Zandy would, he was literally him when he was a kid, but the question was whether Dottore was up to this or not. A while ago, this situation would have been impossible. But now, it was a possibility, an outcome that only Dottore could choose to achieve. He stared at Zandy, who had begun to get a bit nervous at the strange attention.

“If you’re busy-”

“Would you prefer it if I showed you instead, rather than simply viewing pictures?”

“Like the actual machines?” Zandy’s eyes glowed with excitement.

“No, just the parts. But I believe it will be more interesting than only examining them in a book.” He could already hear you in his ear if he decided to let the child near those things, especially without you. Zandy only felt a moment of disappointment before he quickly bounced back.

“Please! I want to see the parts! Can I touch them too? Will you show me what they do?” His barrage of questions was sudden, but the scientist found himself enjoying them. After all, if no one else will indulge his curiosity, then he must do so himself, no matter what age he is.

(Although he’s only a few minutes into the explanation, his younger self’s eyes glimmer with a brightness he’s never seen, or at least never noticed before. Were his eyes always this red? You always compliment the color of his, but he can’t seem to remember his eyes ever having such a radiant gleam. He ignores it, for he’s sure his own eyes were never like that as a child.)

Meanwhile, you were left wondering why the boy had been gone so long. Did something happen? You decided to make your way over to Dottore’s office when you heard the voices spilling out of the ajar door. A young and chirpy one, and an old and tired one, and yet they both seemed equally as excited about whatever the subject matter was.

Peeking in, you were beyond surprised to see your husband and child sitting next to each other, a variety of mechanical parts surrounding the two. Zandy was examining one while Dottore rambled on about it, yet in a logically sound way that even a child could understand. You remember the same thing happening to you back in the Akademiya.

Your heart beat excitedly at this discovery. The way they seemed comfortable with each other, despite their strained relationship from a while ago… in fact, perhaps you could say it looked like a father and his son. All that was missing was the other parent. But should you ruin the moment? You wanted it to last forever…

Unfortunately, staring for too long had attracted the attention of Zandy, who brightened even more at your presence, and quickly waved you over, which also alerted Dottore. Well, there was no hiding anymore, as you began to walk towards the two you loved the most.

“Well well, lucky you, Zandy. To get a lesson from none other than Dottore in Automatons! But oh, I am a bit hurt. Are my teaching skills not up to par for you two?” You teased them lightheartedly, which Zandy giggled at, and Dottore scoffed.

“Fa- Prime wanted to show me the stuff instead of us going through that huge book together. It’s much more fun this way! Oh, but I should have come and told you though… sorry.” Dottore didn’t say anything, but you didn’t need him to. You went to the opposite side of Zandy and sat down, wrapping your arm around him.

“Perhaps I too could be one of your students, Dottore? Zandy and I are eager to learn more!” Dottore let out a sigh at your antics.

“Then listen carefully, because I will not repeat myself to you.”

“How cruel!”

The laughter of two echoed throughout the room, while the other could only smile.

VI. coldness

You loved your family very much. That was obvious to anyone who saw you with them.

Pantalone who asked about how your son was faring, and if your husband would be able to produce sufficient results soon. Columbina who liked to play dress up with you and Zandy to wear matching outfits, while Dottore obviously refused to entertain her nonsense. Childe who couldn’t help but be fond of Zandy as well, tempted to introduce him to Teucer, but also greatly questioned your choice of husband (and father.) The Fatui agents who watched you squish the young segment’s cheeks and tease your imposing Harbinger husband in broad daylight. It was certainly something to see, and one wouldn’t believe it until they saw it with their own eyes.

Meanwhile, the segments had been onlookers on the whole thing.

You were sure each individual segment felt a bit differently about the situation, but the general feeling was probably jealousy. Jealousy toward Zandy for being able to take up so much of your attention. Well, that had always been the case since you’d met the child, but it increased a lot since your journey to help Dottore reconcile with his past self. You just hoped as the years went by, their attitude would change. If you had gotten Prime to change, then his segments weren’t impossible, right? You did see a few of them start to be a bit more patient with Zandy!

Regardless, you were more than happy with the outcome. Dottore and Zandy were talking to each other like normal human beings now. Sure, there were still moments where they were awkward and silent, which was to be expected considering how many years went by with their relationship nonexistent.

Physical affection, however… well, it still had some work left. The only person he wanted to touch him was you since he had known you for so long. Even then, sometimes you couldn’t when he wasn’t in a good mood. So coming to terms with Zandy touching him so casually was still something to get used to. Still, he seemed to have gotten used to the hand brushing and even patted the child’s hair when he did well. On good days, perhaps the child would even be in his lap.

Still, now that you had helped create a bond between them, nothing could stop their progress. Nothing at all.

Dottore still never admitted the change in his feelings to you, but you didn’t need a concrete answer when his actions spoke louder. You lived for the new conversations that now occurred as a result of Zandy, like when he tells you about the time they spent together.

“I’ve heard that you’ve started teaching Zandy more now, Dottore.” (Trying to steal your role as a teacher again, huh?)

“Indeed. We have moved on to quantum physics as well as-” He continued to list off topics you definitely did not study as a child.

“How… enriching, I’m sure.” Perhaps you should start crashing the lessons to make sure he doesn’t overload the poor kid’s brain too much…

Or when you hear about how much they both care for you.

“[Name]?”

“Yes, Dottore?”

“How have you been feeling as of late?” His hands crept up around your neck, brushing his fingers along your collarbones.

“Fine. The same as always,” you responded, which was sort of a truth and lie. You were technically fine, but there had been more days lately that had been a slog to get through with your illness and all. You didn’t want to admit that though. Dottore dragged his fingers along your shoulders in response.

“That’s a lie.” Your face heated up a bit from the proximity.

“That’s not-”

“Zandy,” he began, the name still a bit foreign on his tongue, “told me you’ve barely been sleeping as late. And the tiredness makes it difficult for you to move around. Why didn’t you tell me?” You slumped a bit in your seat at the discovery. You didn’t think the child would know that much less tell Dottore.

“How did he know?”

“He can hear you rustling around in the bed all night,” your husband said flatly as you sighed.

“I’m sorry, love…”

“Next time, I would prefer to hear my spouse’s troubles from their lips rather than someone else. Now come here.”

Or the simpler silly conversations.

“Why did you name him that?” He said one day while lounging on your lap. It was one of those days when it was necessary for him to rant to you about everything and anything.

“Name who what?”

“... Zandy.” Hearing Dottore get used to the name was still amusing to you.

“Why not? There’s a reason why all the segments like their names now, you know. It’s cute, it fits him, he likes it, and it’s way better than what you did,” you teased. Dottore grumbled.

“I still believe there were better options.”

“Yes, yes, says the one who names every experiment with a few letters and numbers. Now continue telling me about Pantalone’s audacity.”

You were happy. Zandy was happy. And you were pretty sure Dottore was happy too. Even through the toughest days, you knew that you had them, and that made things better. You believed nothing in the world would change that or take that away from you.

So when you heard that some of the segments were heading to Sumeru, you weren’t too worried. It was just another mission for them, and although the importance of this one was much higher, you had no doubt the segments would handle it with ease. The lab was emptier than normal, but at least that gave you more time to play with him.

“[Name], why do we go and collect Gnoses?” Zandy was still unaware of quite a few things, as others were unwilling to explain the details of them.

“So that we can fight Celestia,” you hummed as you turned the page of the book. Currently, you two were reading a rather interesting fantasy story, and the two of you had gotten up to the most crucial part - whether the protagonist would choose to further his ambitions or save the one he cherished.

“Why do we need to fight them?”

“Because they’re bad people,” you said as simply as possible.

“When are we going to fight them?”

“I don’t know, but one day we will.”

“Is it going to be scary?”

“Yes, it will. But I will protect you, from now until the end of time, so there’s no need to worry.”

“Okay,” Zandy said, but he still looked a bit sad, naturally. You softly stroked his fluffy hair.

“Don’t dwell on it. You still have lots and lots of happy memories to make,” you soothed him and kissed his forehead. “Nothing bad will happen to you.”

“Thanks, [Name],” he cuddled more into your side as you continued to read the story aloud to him.

The days passed as they always did. Tests. Checkups. The bickering of segments. Dottore popped up here and there, still busy with the Sumeru mission even though he remained at the lab. As always, Zandy remained a constant in your life when everyone else was too busy for you, so you were happy.

It had happened in the middle of a nap when you were shaken awake furiously. When you regained consciousness, you first registered your body being tossed from side to side, and then the blinding light from above. Ugh. What time was it, you wondered, because your mind next processed the desperate voice next to you.

“[Name]! [Name], please, please wake up. Please, he’s going to-” The sheer fright in his voice was enough to jolt you back to reality. You quickly rubbed your eyes and pulled yourself up to face the boy. You wondered what could have happened for Zandy to be this frantic, but the look on his face made your throat close up.

Bright red eyes on the verge of tears, flushed face, quivering lip, and shaking body. A terrible feeling rested in the pit of your stomach as you were speechless for a moment before Zandy grabbed your hands again, begging you to say something.

“Zandy, s-slow down. Start from the beginning. What’s wrong? Who is going to do what?” You placed your hands on his shoulders, pulling him closer in an attempt to calm him. It didn’t seem to do much.

“Omega, Omega’s going to delete me for-”

“What?!” Your voice came out as a shriek. “Tell him no! Tell him I said to stop! I- come with me!” You had already begun to pull him out of bed and out the door, looking like a mess but that wasn’t a worry at all, not right now. Zandy followed you aimlessly, sniffling and sputtering out words.

“B-But not just me, all the other segments are going to be e-erased too! Alpha, Beta, Delta-” You paused, deep fear instilling in your heart as you too began to breathe heavily. Still, you swooped down to Zandy’s height and hugged him, putting on a brave face.

“I won’t let it happen - you’ll be fine. We’ll just go to Prime, and then he’ll-”

“He approved it, though,” Zandy’s voice was tiny as he stared down at his feet as if he too was unwilling to believe he would be betrayed like this. You felt like you were going to be sick, heat rushing to your face, burning you alive.

“What?” Your voice was just as small as the child’s.

“Well, he’s not happy about it, but-” You gritted your teeth.

“I won’t accept it. You will not suffer such a fate, I pro-” You stopped when you heard footsteps approaching.

It was the person you wanted to see the least and most at the same time.

“Dottore,” your voice initially came out exhausted as you forced your shaky legs to stand up again, “Dottore, you best explain yourself right now,” you hissed, the malice now undeniable. “Tell me that this isn’t true.” Dottore opened his mouth to speak, but he seemed to realize that it would not be the answer you desired. The Harbinger’s eyes landed on his child self, who now clung to your leg in fear. Zandy looked at him in a way he hadn’t seen in a long time. Dottore ignored all emotions and focused on his logic.

“It’s neces-”

“Don’t you dare say that!” You interrupted him, hopefully before the child could hear his own creator (or perhaps, father) say he was dispensable. “That’s not true, you know it’s not-” Your words were interrupted by Zandy clutching his head and squeezing your leg deathly tight, the thoughts of the other segments reaching an all-time loud high.

“It’s happening… O-Omega’s going to do it,” the child had broken into full tears as he listened to the others vehemently deny Omega’s decision. He then frantically clawed at your leg, reaching for your hand for some sort of comfort.

“[Name], I don’t want to go! I don’t want to leave you! I don’t want to…” The one in the beginning of his life, the picture of innocence, dared to take one last look at the one in the prime of his life, who he couldn’t recognize anymore. The last word died on his lips. Your heart wrenched and pounded painfully as you looked away to beg Dottore again.

“Dot- Zandik, do something. Please, please stop Omega. I won’t ask for anything else ever again. Y-You can’t take him away from me…! Please!”

And then you felt your hand become empty, and your leg become cold. Bile began to bubble in your throat. You felt like you were going to throw up, wondering if you should dare look back down.

You did anyway.

There was just empty space, Zandy nowhere to be found. Not even his clothes, not a single thing left of him. He had disap- no, he was dead.

Zandy was dead.

Your child was dead.

Your mind was very loud, despite not thinking about anything at all. Your hand twitched, trying to grasp the warmth that was there just a few moments ago. You tried to pretend there was the sensation of him holding you again.

Unfortunately, imagination can’t replicate reality.

You don’t even realize how close Dottore had gotten to you, eyes still frozen on the spot where Zandy just was.

“[Name].” His voice brings you back, but not for a good reason. You blink as you mechanically turn your head to face him. You don’t understand why he isn’t bothered. You don’t understand why he did this. You don’t understand anything. And then your face, which was as still as a statue, suddenly became enveloped in grief and tears. Your husband slightly grimaced at your expression.

“[Name],” he tried again, “I-”

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that, in that tone of voice,” you snapped amidst your continuous tears. “Do you have any idea what you’ve just done to them? To me? To us?” You weren’t sure which you would prefer - that he wasn’t sure about how much this would pain you, or that he did know but went ahead with it anyway. And it wasn’t just you, now that Zandy was gone… he would never be able to make peace with what he was.

“My last words to Zandy were a lie,” you cried. “A lie! I didn’t even tell him that I cared for him, how much I cherished him, how I loved the time I spent with him, how much I loved him!”

“Did any of the time we three spent together mean anything? Did he mean anything to you, Zandik? Or was it just a lie?” You relentlessly spat at him, refusing to let him get in a word. “You just used him and the other segments as bargaining chips. Pawns. They weren’t tools… my child wasn’t expendable, he was a person too,” you sank to the floor, your whole body trembling and immensely fatigued, but your mouth kept moving, wrapped in your incoherent grief. “I thought we could-, no, we were a family… Was I the only one who cared?”

Dottore could only watch as you broke apart in front of him. What could he have said to extinguish your tears? That he didn’t quite want to do this either, but he had to? Regardless of the newly acquired feelings about his segment, nothing… nothing could come in the way of what he had to do.

“Would you do the same to me, Zandik? Would you trade me for a Gnosis, too…?” Dottore stiffened at the question. It was never something he’d thought you’d say, considering how foolish it was. Him? Give you up? No, he would never. Never. He would sooner let all of Teyvat burn but-

“He was just a kid,” you sobbed. “He was just a little boy. How could you? You… you…!” Dottore could feel your sheer rage and sadness easily, his hands wanting to reach out and offer you some sort of comfort.

But he was a monster, and he knew it.

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moremaybank · 2 months ago

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just read you're blurb and omg, I love it smm you are so talented I can't!!!

the best friends to lovers trope with jj has always been my fav and the way you write it has me fucking depressed (in the best way)

also I fucking need this man. imagine a soft, slow, deep make out session with him.... 🤧🤧

I LOVE YOUU

oh they could never take bsf!jj/in between!jj away from me !!!! (also ty for the love angel MWAH)

jj couldn't seem to remember what he was so afraid of. being with you, letting himself trust what was shared between you had felt so natural. it was crazy, but he finally felt like he was on solid ground.

well, except for when your lips were locking with his the way they were right now.

right now, he was levitating.

the honeymoon phase had been good to you both. hands never leaving each other's. lips never ceasing to worship every inch of skin that made up the being of their lover. it really seemed wrong to ever be doing anything else.

all he wanted was this. always this.

he had you on his lap, chest to chest. his hands clutched at your waist, holding you so tight as if he was trying to remind himself that you were there, that you were real. then, they migrated greedily up your back, fingertips digging slightly into your skin as they do so. he sighed into your mouth with bliss when your arms curled around the back of his neck, making it impossible to abandon you.

"y'taste good, baby."

he could barely get the words out before your bashful and giggling lips collide again. he moved to grip your thighs, kneading the flesh as your mouths moved slowly together. so deeply in sync that you could anticipate each other's next moves, grant each other's wishes without the other even having to ask. his tongue slipped past your lips, and it was like you were saying i love you over and over with every brush of your lips and stroke of your tongues.

you groaned when jj pulled away. he didn't go too far, but it was enough to make you pout in protest.

"where're you goin?"

his heart thumped uncontrollably at the way you looked. lovestruck eyes, blood-rushed lips, hands rubbing and pawing at his warm, toned chest through his shirt.

his thumb swiped over the curve of your chin, and your skin tingles gleefully at the contact. "jus' wanna get a good look at my dream."

"'m not a dream, j. i'm real."

he gives you a peck. "promise? 'cause if i wake up 'n you aren't here, i'ma be severely pissed off."

you giggle, nodding as you drape your hands on either side of his handsome face. your nose strokes against his. "promise. i'm all yours."

"damn fuckin' straight, baby."

concepts ; concepts (ii

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solar-serpent · 6 months ago

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🌈Based on your talents, what business should you launch?💰🪙

Hello! I hope everyone is doing great. I'm going through a phase where I started wondering if I wanted to go back to work for an employer, or even if it was worthy after I've acknowledged all my potential and the fact no one would ever pay for the real price of my work. Aquarium era is hitting me harder, and I bet you too are feeling this call to reach financial freedom. We deserve it.

I want to contribute with your awakening.

Please take a deep breath, focus on what's in front of you and pick the picture you feel more attracted to.

Pile I → Pile II

Pile III → Pile IV

🌱Pile I🌱

OMG, pile 1, you are so kind and empathetic that people want to open up to you and ask for your opinion/advice on topics such as recent breakups, petty fights with mom, best friend betrayal drama and so. Even though that's not the main purpose for them going into your store/business. If you weren't an entrepreneur, you could've been an excellent therapist since your serene demeanor and polite speech would make others believe they are speaking to a good friend. You show you care for what you are being told by providing meaningful replies, and I could swear people go crazy over your attentive gaze. Some of you are natural, others are really good actors (no one is to be judged here). Your patience and warm personality real or not sells, people could purchase anything from your business if you are the one assisting, which can be a boomer if you are aiming for leaving someone else in charge and doing the counts behind the scenes, knowing you are one of the best sellers.

You could own a coffee store given how good you are at building spaces where people will gather and feel safe. Not only that, you can create beautiful settings that will make others immerse in a new world like the tea room from a dollhouse or within a Monet painting. You will succeed at making them distance themselves from real world's problems, thus they could be more open to speak about something that feels so far away. To be honest, I don't think everyone that chose this pile would identify with this business idea. For some serving, cooking and simping chai latte over the daily gossips feels like a waste of their potential. You guys are right, another part of group which's artsy in nature is more aligned with fashion, beauty, and textiles. But I swear you all have the potential to manifest large amounts of money in one sale. I didn't have to crack my head open thinking about what type of business could allow that as designing is your strong suit. You are a master when it comes to making colors, fabrics. and whatnot march. A small part of this group loves sweets and how food can make others happy, therefore you could settle down for having a bakery and specializing on wedding cakes. However, some of you are contemplating the idea of running a drift or wedding dress store. For the ones willing to work with the brides, I assure your business will do well. You have the patience of a Greek hero going against the gods' will, so I see you nailing sales that took plenty of your time and energy.

I hope this reading was to your liking♡. I'm offering paid readings about this topic here. You can find more free content on my blog.

🌱Pile 2🌱

I didn't know "giving a fuck" was a talent until I drew your cards, dear pile 2. You are strong people, you don't care if others start hating you for doing your job. Like 5% of the people who picked this pile dreamed with being a hitman and go ahead guys, you'll do great. Now, a large percent of you have questionable morals, allowing you to work in fields where you can turn corrupted and earn wealth as a politician, lawyer, or even a doctor. I know those are career choices, but the real business for you is owning agencies, institutes, clinics, and funeral homes. I am not even making the latter up. Some of you won't care about the taboo-ish nature of your work. You approach business with level-headedness and practicality, thus if it pays wells as any other job related to humans needs... dealing with the deads is easier than their family but you will still do the job or you will hire someone to do it eventually. Curiously, you are great at making people feel better. You aren't that talkative, but you know how to make others laugh with your silly jokes, pulling weird faces, providing them with food or water and much needed space.

Some of you are radicals and into activism. You have plenty of pent-up anger and aggressiveness inside of you that you will directed at facing opposing forces. You might start a charitable cause and talk people into volunteering. Yeah, I know it won't give you money or not so much, but hear me out! You could own an institute for people with special needs or another for learning languages. There's a high chance you might end up working with foreigners, what gave you that business idea when you thought on how to help them improve their lifestyle. Some of you could be interested in farming or owning a supermarket. You would feel inclined to hire immigrants regardless of the consequences. Actually, what are consequences to you? You don't fucking care. You see people suffering, you help them. There's no other logic in your brain.

I hope this reading was to your liking♡. I'm offering paid readings about this topic here. You can find more free content on my blog.

🌱Pile 3🌱

Ok, guys, I love how unbothered you are when it comes to your line of work and what people have to say about it. Unlike pile 2, you are not interested in top positions that might lead to corruption, dirty money and living a very intense life. You are the complete opposite, you are humble and like to contribute to the community. You have a great intuition and observation skills, so upon checking your town or the place you want to install your business in, you will know what spot in the market needs to be filled right away. You can also tell what the community's needs are; you are not afraid of getting your hands dirty, so you could feel inclined to run a fish or convenience store. I feel like you want to belong, so not only your business won't cover a necessity, but also will turn into something traditional, even "iconic" for your neighbourhood. Is a music store still a thing? I feel like a small part of this group longs to have one.

You have all what it takes to manifest a long-lasting business. You are highly talented at nurturing and you might see your business like a "baby". It's not just your money source, but something to care about and fight for. Some of you might be interested in running an esoteric shop, where people is going to get their cards read or purchase herbs, incienses, candles, and so on. Mostly, this pile wants to have an unique business or for it to be the sole provider of something. E.g, you might own the only bookstore with coffee services at town. Also, I believe some of you will settle for moving out to a town or the countryside and start a business over there.

I hope this reading was to your liking♡. I'm offering paid readings about this topic here. You can find more free content on my blog.

🌱Pile 4🌱

Hello, guys! This pile is slightly different from the rest since I feel like going straight to the point and sparing unnecessary details, but I might annoy you as I'm not leaving nothing unsaid. You are known for being busy and most times you seem to be in a hurry. You are always working on something, even in high school your friends knew you were too invested on your studies and earning money than hanging out with people your age. You probably like technology and travelling, so you could own a business like a travel agency (in your country or another), transport or event planning company. In all honesty, you might end up running all three of them. The term "workaholic" does not make justice to what you are, but I will call you a genius. You were born to steal the spotlight by your innovative style at the moment of giving birth to your ideas into the real world. You can mix all your interests together and create a new business that will leave people gawking, like an app who allows users to match with vacation spots instead of people or something like that?

Some of you will rather work with tourists, renting cars, boats, and properties so their basic needs are covered. I don't know how many of you are sporty but you are adamant about turning one of your interests/hobbies in your business. You might run your own indoor rock climbing centre. If you were to ask me for specifications on what's your talent, I would say you are a natural when it comes to businesses and you hold such control over your emotions. You put your sole focus on work, nothing can distract you from achieving your goals. Not even your family, so I can see you making up to your dear ones with expensive gifts or generous check after you missed an important family event again.

I hope this reading was to your liking♡. I'm offering paid readings about this topic here. You can find more free content on my blog.

#tarot readings #intuitive readings #psychic readings #tarot community #free tarot #love readings #free readings #pick a card #astrology #pick a pile #astro notes #Spotify

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p-taryn-dactyl · 4 months ago

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way down we go: the before (i)

the series: (i) (ii) (the aftermath)

a/n: hi! i really liked writing for this AU so I decided to give a little backstory! this is the story of the first meeting/date of reader and Agatha who is in her less than legal hobby phase. hope you enjoy!

word count: 2k

warning(s): reader is a little bit oblivious...or is agatha a mastermind?; cursing oh no; mentions of stalking; did i mess up the timeline i myself created? maybe shh; also guys, it feels weird to write about the police when im not their biggest fan...eh it makes a good AU so; theres a murder! but who did it 👀 ; made up forsenics; hehe i have a plan; i kinda just throw MCU names around as characters in here sorry

You were convinced the universe had a vendetta against you as you rushed through your morning routine. You had slept in forty minutes past your alarm, much to the distaste of your neighbors, who had been the ones to wake you with pounding knocks on your door.

"Why do I have so many fucking creams and serums?" You muttered angrily about the purchases your past self had bought as a celebration of getting the job. The new job that you were now dangerously close to running late to your first day. Finally your frustration came to a head and you finally just started on your makeup, pausing your blending and swiping to pull on pants and a sweater. A sweater you realized was on backwards and inside out once you were in your car and in front of your regular coffee stand. You had pulled the sweater off and was in the process of turning it right side out when you realized you had caught the eye of one of the coffee stand customers. You also realized you were only in your bra and your car windows were far from tinted. Heat rose to your face and you sheepishly pulled your sweater on over your head. If you ever had done the walk of shame, you imagined it would feel like how you did as you got out of the car. The customer who you had made eye contact with smirked at you as you made your way to join the coffee line.

"If I known I would be getting a show, I would've brought more cash."

While her voice held a joking tone, you saw no malicious intent in her blue eyes. Dear lord you had just flashed the most beautiful woman in the world. Forget your new job, you were just gonna run away to Argentina and change your name. You gave a small laugh, embarassment still coursing through you. The woman seemed to realize and bumped your shoulder with hers.

"Oh come on now, don't be shy. I liked what I saw." She whispered into your ear and made even more heat rise to your cheeks. The blatant flirting made you genuinely smile and a small burst of confidence had you responding.

"I guess the next logical step is to buy you dinner...or coffee! This coffee, I don't know why I jumped straight to dinner." You trailed off to a mumble, the burst of confidence gone. But the woman just looked at you with a fondness that you didn't know someone could have for a stranger.

"You'll offer me dinner before you learn my name?"

Your eyes widened and your hand shot out in front of you for a handshake.

"I'm sorry, that's just rude of me honestly. First I flash you and now this!" You started to pull your hand back, wondering why you even put it out but she grabbed it, shaking your hand softly. Her eyes shone with humor as she told you her name.

"Agatha Harkness, lovely to meet you dear."

You smiled but it quickly fell as you noticed the time on her watch and how long the coffee line was.

"Oh shit, I have to go. Guess I'll push through the day without a caffeine boost."

Agatha laughed, a sound you knew you wanted to hear more of in the future.

"Dinner?" You anxiously asked as you fumbled with your car keys, unlocking your car. Agatha nodded, cocking her head to the side as she smiled at you.

"I'll meet you here around 6? We can walk to The Bistro just around the corner."

While it was a question, Agatha spoke as if it was a demand. You smiled and nodded, internally hoping Agatha wouldn't take you up on your buying dinner offer. The Bistro was a delicious restaurant but was known for prices that normally took weeks saving up for. You waved at your date, climbing in your car with a giant smile on your face. Before you shut your door, Agatha called out.

"See you later, Y/N!"

It didn't occur to you that you never told her your name.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Agatha watched as you drove away, a smirk pulling on her lips. Finally. She had been keeping tabs on you for weeks, the new forensic scientist who was the new obstacle in her way. Over the weeks, she memorized your schedule, where you frequented and when. This coffee shop was a constant, a perfect place for an impromtu meeting. But even with all the information she collected about you, she didn't expect to genuinely like you. You were adorable, both in your mannerisms and how you spoke. If she didn't already know your history, she would be more concerned about the profession you had chose.

She also didn't expect you to ask her out, an interesting development. Agatha was prepared to inch her way into your life as a friend, slowly coercing information out of you as the friendship progressed. But this, this dinner would would change everything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The universe definitely had it out for you.

Almost the second after you situated yourself in your new lab, after meeting the team and thankfully clicking with them, a call came into the precinct.

A body had been found.

The excitement of your first officical case made the whole process become a blur. But reality became stark the second you crossed the yellow tape. Red and blue illuminated the air, flashing in your eyes as you made your way to the body. Almost immediately, you were grabbing the arm of Detective Jimmy Woo, the man who had been kind enough to let you have the last of the coffee pot.

"This isn't where they were killed. This is a body dump."

Jimmy, quick to grab his notepad, started jotting down what you said before looking up at you, a quizzical look on his face.

"How do you know?"

You slowly started circling the body, Jimmy following you as you explained, careful to not disrupt the photos Darcy, the CSP, was taking.

"The way he's positioned," Jimmy looked like he was about to ask how you knew the sex but you held up a hand as if to say you'll come back to that, "His arms are up against his chest and so are his legs, rigor mortis sets in after death, meaning since there's no outward indicators on the scene of a struggle and from what flesh is left, it looks like the wrists and ankles were tied, creating the position he's in now. If I'm allowed to make an educated guess, he was stuffed in the back of a vehicle of some sort and died while back there. He probably was dumped when whoever put him in the vehicle realized."

Jimmy just stared at you and you fidgeted in place. The excitement of being in a crime scene made you break a rule you learned while completeing an internship at the Jeffersonian. Never make assumptions about how the victim died, wait until you have evidence for a hypothesis. But Jimmy just nodded, an impressed look on his face as he taped his notepad with his pen.

"We're lucky to have you as our main analyst, Y/N. Welcome to the team."

Jimmy went to talk with the couple who had found the body while fishing. If you had to guess, you would say they would be staying away from seafood for a long time.

Along with your new forensic team, you inspected the scene, collecting and bagging everything and anything that seemed out of place. Finally, it was time to head back to the lab.

Dental records of the victims skull gave you an identification quickly.

Vis Maximoff, 32, reported missing two weeks ago by a neighbor, who had chosen to stay anonymous. You were surprised to see a pending case attatched to his name in the system, one that had been open for almost a year. Vis's wife, Wanda, was reported as deceased under unusual circumstances but all evidence detectives had to even start thinking about arresting Vis was either circumstancial or non-existent.

You passed on this information to Jimmy, who had a confirmation from the coroner, Hela, that your theory of how Vis died was correct. Fibers found on his body matched those of the floor of a 2017 Buick Verano. He died of asphyxiation, meaning either he had no air in the trunk of the car, or something had been covering up his nose and mouth, keeping him quiet and ultimately leading to his demise.

The rest of the day went by in what felt like a second. Soon, it was coming close to your date with Agatha and you had no time to change. Darcy proved to be your savior as she walked into your lab without knocking, quickly clocking the panicked look on your face.

"Girl are you okay? I mean you did have to look at a dead man for hours so I guess that could be it but I'm also going to guess this is about something else because you keep picking at your sweater."

You looked up at Darcy, forcing yourself to stop plucking at your clothes.

"Maybe you should be a detective," you joked, Darcy snorted as she leaned on the table across from you, silently prompting you to explain, "It's just, I have a date with someone I met at the coffee stand and she's gorgeous - I mean really pretty, and we're going to a super nice place and I'm pretty sure I have dead man juice on my pants."

Darcy shuddered before coming around to loop her arms through yours.

"Well thankfully, this department has plenty of clothes used for undercover assignments and stake outs. I'm sure we can find something that screams 'FUCK ME' in time for your date."

If you had pearls, you would have clutched them. Darcy just rolled her eyes at your dramatic reaction. She pulled you up, dragging you to the giant walk in closet where the undercover clothes resided.

"Ok don't give me that scandalized bullshit, do you or do you not want her to fuck you?"

You murmmured under your breath as you looked at the racks of clothing. Darcy crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. You sighed, making eye contact with the brunette.

"I mean I was mostly hoping that she even likes me after this date, but yes, that would be nice."

Darcy laughed, shaking her head as she joined you in looking for an outfit.

"You're a funny one, Y/N. This woman better not break your heart because you just gained yourself a best friend and- ew no not that dress, it makes you look like a corpse." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Agatha tapped her foot against the concrete as she waited for you. A small part of her wondered if you had forgotten about the date that was made so quickly, and she hated how that thought made her stomach sink.

"Agatha!"

Your voice called out as you turned the corner, looking slightly out of breath as you walked over to her as quickly as possible. You came to stand next to her as Agatha's eyes raked over you, taking in the dress Darcy and you had agreed on.

"Oh I don't know if we can go into the restaurant like this." Agatha said while slightly shaking her head. Your smile fumbled as you looked down at the dress, surprised at how much you ended up loving it.

"Oh I thought it was ni- I don't- Why is there a dress code it's breaking?"

Your panicked flurry of words made Agatha come to stand close to you, cupping your face in her hands and lifting slightly so you could make direct eye contact.

"I just don't know if I'm okay with everyone staring at my date."

You rolled your eyes jokingly as Agatha pulled away, swatting at her shoulder lightly.

"You scared me! Now if anyone is going to be staring, it's going to be at you. Did you literally jump out of my fantasies?"

You only realized what you had said once you saw the growing smirk on Agatha's face.

"Fantasies huh? We only met this morning and you're already fantasizing about me?"

You felt heat rising to your face, a seemingly normal occurence around Agatha.

"Let's go to The Bistro! Probably a long line to wait in, should get to that!"

Agatha wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you close as she whispered in your ear.

"This is going to be fun."

a/n: hihi! God I love this AU! This and The Aftermath parts of Way Down We Go are going to be two parts each, and then there's something else i have planned that hopefully y'all enjoy too!! thank you for reading!

#agatha harkness x reader #agatha harkness #agatha x reader #agatha harkness fanfic #agatha harkness fanfiction #agatha harkness x you #agatha harkness x fem!reader #agatha harkness x y/n #agatha harkness x female reader #serial killer!agatha #forensic scientist!reader

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classicanalyzer · 2 months ago

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LEGO Star Wars Rebuild The Galaxy Thoughts

"Nothing makes sense, and everything's mixed up, and that's okay. Things fall apart, but maybe they can come back together better than before." Sig Greebling

Rebuild The Galaxy is my favorite out of all the D+ LEGO SW specials. I really love the connections to LEGO and SW, including the previous LEGO SW shows, especially Freemaker Adventures. Michael Kramer did an amazing job with the soundtrack, Sig's and Yesi's themes were well-composed.

Part I

"For someone who spends all his time telling stories about heroes, you have no idea how to be one. Maybe that's why you like history so much. It's over and done, but your life isn't. There's so much ahead of you if you'd just try, but you're afraid." Dev Greebling

Sig Greebling is such a cool name. I really love how he's a literal in-universe SW fan, yet someone who actually wants to be normal despite his Force sensitivity. I find it funny he's a literal Nerf herder. I do emphasize of how he wanted to avoid all the expectations if people know he's Force-sensitive.

I love the reference to Wookiees originally being a part of RotJ before being replaced with Ewoks.

Fennesa is a cool-looking world. Yesi Scala is another cool name (I get reminded of Scala Ad Caleum from KH haha). It's too bad Sig's indecisiveness and inability to step out of his comfort zone translates to his social life, even his crush. The background painting showing the sunset is so beautiful.

I really like how the Ackbar Troopers are the Clones in this universe. They must have chosen Ackbar as the main host due to his skills since he was a skilled warrior and leader, but definitely also for the memes out of universe. I also love how Phase I was used because the Kaminionans designed the Phase I suit based on aquatic species like themselves and would fit the Mon Calamari Clones.

The fighting animation and choreography for Yesi's fight against the Ackbar Troopers are so well animated. I laughed seeing that one Ackbar Trooper shooting with two blasters. I can see why Sig likes Yesi. Also ooff, Yesi lost her father in this timeline to the Empire. You can feel the bleak state of this galaxy under this Empire. At least, Yesi's desire to fly among the stars and not live in a backwater world is still there. I like how Sig also mentioned how Rancors are actually misunderstood intelligent creatures.

Double ooff, Sig's brother is now Darth Devastator "Dev". At least we finally get our first on-screen appearance of Jedi Bob!

Part II

"Being a hero is easier when you don't know the cost...Sig, the Force doesn't work that way. The dark side is loud and obvious like a big, mean Gamorrean kicking you in the head over and over. But the light side, the light side of the Force is just a whisper in the back of your mind." Bobolian Afol "Jedi Bob"

Darth Rey as Dev's apprentice feels so wrong about the intentional nature of aspects of this new universe. Jedi Bob!...or rather Bobolian Afol lmao (I also love how the markings seem a bit faded which signals his age). I love this cynical Jedi who sucks at fighting but is amazing at the Force...which is what a true Jedi should specialize in.

FREEMAKER LORE! THE FORCE BUILDERS ARE BACK! I love seeing them once again and hearing Bob recap them feels cathartic.

Ewok Bounty Hunters is one thing but bounty hunter C-3PO channeling his Triple 0 and HK-47 vibes in a Naboo Royal Cruiser with gold plating feels so right yet so wrong in the best ways possible. Yesi really has a lot of baggage with her wanting to prove herself and redeem herself for accidentally getting a rebel base captured.

Mos Eisley Marina made me die on the inside lmao. Tatooine isn't boring anymore lmao. I do love how this is a nod to how the BoBF and Legends mention Tatooine being once covered with oceans before becoming a desert world.

Like father like son indeed, however, even Anakin wouldn't go that far to cheat. I do love how Luke and Anakin use the same Podracer. Poor Max Rebo.

I love how Maul in this galaxy is much more relaxed and happy. At least, in this galaxy, Maul gets to live his life without the tragedies in his main galaxy life.

I love the implication that Nubs is well-known in the main galaxy that Sig knows about him. I'm incredibly confident that Darth Hammerhead is Rusty. Even in another universe, nobody remembers his name lmao.

That brief Duel of the Fates theme playing when Darth Jar Jar appeared was so hype and chilling. His line goes unironically hard.

Part III

"I know you can't restore a galaxy once it's gone because I tried to restore my own, and I failed. In the galaxy I'm from, things were simpler. I was a Padawan on Alistan Nor, learning the secrets of Force Building. I'd heard rumors about the Cornerstone. The more I read, the more obsessed I became. Was it possible to remake an entire galaxy? I needed to know the truth. My Masters forbid me from searching for the Cornerstone, but I wasn't exactly good at following orders. There were so many rules. I just wanted to do things my own way. I thought I could control the Cornerstone. I never thought -- When I left that temple, everything was different. My galaxy was gone, Sig. And yours had just been born." Bobolian Afol "Jedi Bob"

We truly reached the pinnacle of miniaturized Death Star tech with the Dark Falcon lmao.

Darth Jar Jar definitely isn't dead and I love what little time we had with him.

I love the lights looking like the Binary Sun and the music playing as Luke looks towards them.

I love how Palpatine in this universe is a cynic who gave up on fighting. I like that fascinating take on this alternate Palpatine. The new Jedi Council (I like the faded and scratched markings similar to Jedi Bob signals their age and tiredness of a seemingly hopeless war) is insane with Jedi Vader (I love that this is a SW Infinities comic reference, it felt cathartic to see it realized in visual media), Dooku, Cad Bane, Jannah, Lobot, IG-88(?), and even Jabba. I really love that Jannah has more to do here including her actress returning to voice her.

Greedo being the Han of this universe was so funny. He even has the Rodian ears for his Slave I Firespray ship lmao.

I love how Yesi recreates the energy in TFA when she does smth incredibly insane with Greedo's ship. Sig saying I do feels like his and Yesi's "I know" moment. And a Star Trous mention. I also feel like Yesi's point of how you fix the mistake got to Jedi Bob and got to him into revealing the truth. I love how Grevious is one of the rebels in this universe.

Alistan Nor!!! THAT'S THE FORCE BUILDER WORLD AND IT WAS MENTIONED IN FREEMAKER ADVENTURES.

Damn, this Han really became just like his mentor in the old universe. A true scoundrel.

God that twist of the old universe never coming back is gut-wrenching...especially since Jedi Bob is the only survivor of his old universe. The story of Jedi Bob is beyond tragic. One simple curiosity into the cornerstone left him the only survivor. Spending all that time alone in the Temple to make sure it doesn't happen again...only for it to happen again. I also really love how the simple galaxy is represented by 4:3 aspect ratio and all LEGO figures are the classic yellow designs.

WHEN SERVO WAS DESTROYED, I FELT MY HEART BREAKING APART. God that was heartbreaking to see, just like many heroes before him in his stories, to save his friends Sig gave himself up.

Part IV

"The tales of my galaxy. The tales of people like Dev. My Dev. I don't wanna forget them. They matter." Sig Greebling

God the intro with the sad music and Servo shutting down just hurts me in ways I cannot comprehend. The collapsing logo really showcases we're in the endgame.

I love how Yoda is voiced by his Young Jedi Adventure VA in this show. It is heartbreaking to see Ian Han hate Yoda given the very first major LEGO SW special (The Padawan Menace was one of my first non-SW movie experiences in my childhood).

Even if Dev is mentally messed up, I really like how he came around to having a brother and want to be brothers. I like how Sig realizes this is all a fantasy of a galaxy he can never restore. He fights to save this galaxy now.

I'm happy Tico got to a substantial role in this show alongside Rey. Reusing the Nobody line toward Darth Rey was pretty cruel.

The space battle was shot very well and I love the designs of the Calamari Destroyers.

Dev's breakdown was pretty disturbing to see and how he took the rage and lack of happiness in his life to put his idea of "order" and to take control of his life. Especially how he sees himself as beyond redemption and the point of no return.

The quote I used for the introduction quote is beautifully anti-nihilist.

The fight is so well choreographed and so peak, especially when the brief moment the windows were destroyed and the energy shield was activated. The fact the Nerf herder stick came back to be a major turning point in the fight against Dev is great. It was heartbreaking and I got a bit misty-eyed to see Dev ultimately decide to remain evil.

My heart repaired itself as Servo was reconstructed. The old galaxy is gone but the stories will live on. And leave it for Servo to interrupt Sig and Yesi's tender moment haha.

The ending shot with the new crew really felt like the passing of the torch between the Freemaker Adventures to Rebuild the Galaxy. I hope we get to see the Freemaker cast, especially the Freemaker family on Alistan Nor.

Also, The Landolorian and Evil Grogu has been so hyped as the sequel hook alongside Darth Rey and Tico being in charge of the Empire.

This is such a great show and I can't wait to see more LEGO SW stories set in this universe.

I love the score by Kramer who is also responsible for Ninjago’s score (alongside Jay Vincent):

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deakyjoe · 4 months ago

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Do you mind if I ask a question about the band Ghost please?

I’m (very confused) around the numbered what seems like lead singers? Are they all the same person but different times/phases? Not sure if it makes sense. I find it so interesting when you post about them but I just can’t figure it out!

Oh my god, my time has come… here is a guide to the Papas (lead singers) of Ghost:

So first off let me start by clarifying that the band members of Ghost (Papas as lead singers and Nameless Ghouls as instrumentalists and backing vocalists) are all characters. They’re a group of folks in masks and makeup. There’s a lot of lore and backstory around the band but we won’t touch on that too much here. I’ll just talk about the Papas - the anti-pope leads. (Also the following will contain Rite Here Rite Now/Ghovie spoilers!!)

Ok so the lead singers we’ve had in Ghost so far have been Papa Emeritus I (Primo), Papa Emeritus II (Secondo), Papa Emeritus III (Terzo) and Cardinal Copia who was eventually promoted to being Papa Emeritus IV. These lead singer characters are all half brothers (their father is Papa Nihil who we’ll discuss briefly later) and all pretty much have their own albums (few EPs and live albums in there too but I won’t bore you with those).

All the lead singers of Ghost, all Emeritus brothers, have been played by this guy - Tobias Forge!

He writes and sings all of the songs, does the majority of studio work too from what I understand. So whilst there have been several “different” lead singers of Ghost due to the role being taken over by new Papas, technically they’re all Tobias in masks.

First Papa we had in the early days (around 2010 - 2012) was Primo (Papa Emeritus I). He’s the hardest to find photos/footage of since it was the beginnings. I always affectionately refer to him as “The Old One” since he was supposed to be about 80. His album was Opus Eponymous.

Next up we had Secondo (Papa Emeritus II) for a couple years (around 2012 - 2015). His face is the one that makes an appearance on a lot of Ghost merch I find. I think of him as “The Bald One” (lovingly of course). His album was Infestissumam.

Then we had Terzo (Papa Emeritus III) for a while (around 2015 - 2017) before he was dramatically ripped off stage and (maybe) decapitated. He’s only supposed to be 3 months younger than Secondo. I call him “The Hot One” because he’s fine as hell. His album was Meliora.

Then there was a dramatic shift in the way things worked. We were out of Emeritus brothers as they kept “retiring” (supposedly according to the lore) but it’s okay because a lovely little Cardinal came along to save the day! Introducing: Cardinal Copia!! To me he’s “Just A Little Guy” which is the most accurate description of him you’ll ever hear I promise you. (Also when Copia took over it was revealed that the previous Papas had been “killed”.) His album was Prequelle.

Eventually Copia was promoted to being Papa Emeritus IV (it had been pretty heavily implied up until that point that he was also an Emeritus half brother) which meant he could wear the Papa paints now. Also Copia is my personal favourite. Copia got a second album with Impera.

We had Copia from 2018 - now (he’s just been promoted again to Frater Imperator so will probably no longer be frontman for the band). This means Papa Emeritus V will be introduced at some point (probably Copia’s twin which was a detail revealed in Rite Here Rite Now - the recent Ghost concert movie).

But going back to Papa Nihil (the father of all the Emeritus brothers). I would like to make it clear that Ghost formed in 2006 and released their first demos in 2010 but according to their lore they go back to at least the 1960s. Which is when Nihil was frontman for the group. Nihil is not played by Tobias Forge, he’s had different actors for both his old and young versions, but his songs are sung by him (e.g. the hit song Mary On A Cross). Nihil has not been lead singer for the band on stage at any point (though he does make appearances and play the sax at some of them). Nihil has an EP called Seven Inches of Satanic Panic (“originally” from 1969 and then “re-released” in 2019) which features Mary On A Cross and Kiss The Go-Goat. (Also has an additional song revealed recently - The Future Is A Foreign Land.)

So essentially all the Papas are different characters but all played by the same guy. They have different faces (masks) and makeup, different personalities, different mannerisms, and slightly different singing voices (Tobias switches up the way he sings songs slightly between Papas) as well as talking voices. There’s way more to it all (which you can read about on any fan website, or even Wikipedia,) as the lore is pretty extensive for a silly little satanic band. I’d recommend watching The Chapters on YouTube if you’re interested in more. Also Papaganda Parts 1 and 2 which are pretty funny. There’s also a few helpful videos on YouTube that discuss the Ghost timeline in way more depth.

Sorry if this was a little too much rambling but it’s difficult to be concise with Ghost. Hope this all makes sense. Thanks, anon, for the question as I love to talk about anything I’m interested in!!

#ghost #ghost band #the band ghost #ask #asks #anon #rite here right now spoilers #ghovie spoilers #primo #secondo #terzo #copia #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus ii #papa emeritus i #cardinal copia #tobias forge #shitghosting

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emmkayy03 · 8 hours ago

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Vedic Astro Observations II

Here’s the spicy stuff—certain placements in Vedic astrology come with life events that are basically canon. 🪐 Over years of practice, I’ve noticed these patterns happening again and again in charts, so let’s spill the cosmic tea. Tell me if these placements have delivered for you or someone you know!

🌞 Sun in Bharani Nakshatra: People with this placement are sure to experience at least one major “death and rebirth” phase in their lives. It could be a dramatic career change, a spiritual awakening, or an intense breakup. Yama’s energy ensures they evolve through endings.

🌙 Moon in Ashlesha Nakshatra: A karmic relationship with the mother is almost guaranteed—whether it’s overprotection, emotional distance, or something else entirely. They often find themselves unraveling emotional patterns passed down through generations.

🔥 Mars in Chitra Nakshatra: These natives will often face a “moment of glory,” like public recognition for their creativity, leadership, or bold actions. Expect some conflict around this time, though—Mars doesn’t let them shine without a fight.

💼 Mercury in Swati Nakshatra: A relocation or significant travel moment is nearly inevitable. Swati’s Rahu energy drives them to seek independence and explore far-off places. They may also switch careers multiple times, always searching for the perfect fit.

💎 Venus in Uttara Ashadha Nakshatra: A destined encounter with a powerful partner—whether romantic or business—is a common theme. These natives are meant to align with someone who shares their big vision and helps them achieve greatness.

🛠 Saturn in Anuradha Nakshatra: Separation from friends or loved ones during Saturn's dasha or transit is a recurring event. However, these experiences push them toward inner strength and self-reliance, which Anuradha teaches so well.

🌪 Rahu in Mrigashira Nakshatra: A constant search for something “more” leads these natives into unusual or unconventional pursuits. They’re likely to have sudden opportunities abroad or an unexpected career in tech, media, or research.

🌀 Ketu in Ardra Nakshatra: Intense karmic cycles bring sudden losses that force them to detach from the material world. These experiences can push them into spiritual realms or even alternative healing paths.

Moon in Shravana Nakshatra: A significant event involving learning or teaching is bound to happen. Whether it’s becoming a mentor, earning a major degree, or even teaching through example, Shravana natives will leave a mark in the realm of knowledge.

Jupiter in Vishakha Nakshatra: There’s almost always a phase of life where they’re caught between two paths—often career vs. personal growth, or societal expectations vs. their own values. This struggle leads them to discover their true calling.

Venus in Ashlesha Nakshatra: A toxic or karmic relationship early in life is nearly inevitable. But once they break free, they find relationships that transform their sense of self-worth.

Mars in Mula Nakshatra: A drastic life event (like moving cities, quitting a stable job, or even a financial shake-up) resets their life completely. These natives are destined to rebuild from the ground up—often more than once.

Sun in Rohini Nakshatra: A “ruler moment” is guaranteed—where they’re in charge of a major responsibility, be it in family, work, or community. They thrive when their creative side is fully expressed.

✨ Cosmic question: Has one of these "canon events" played out in your life? Share below, and let’s decode more! 🔮

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cinnamonest · 10 months ago

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Okay so! I appreciate all of the messages everyone has sent me, thank you for that <3

I just got back and have been looking at my notifications, I also got a lot of questions, some of which were recurring so I figured I can make one post addressing them:

>What happened

I'm fine, my guess is my working circumstances + short daylight hours triggered some kind of prolonged depressive phase. I am type II bipolar (I can't recall if I've ever mentioned that here or not), so I have regular manic and depressive phases, they're just not usually so intense. I'm seeing my psychiatrist in a month so I'm going to ask her for her thoughts on avoiding it reoccuring.

> Have I played fontaine arc

Unfortunately I'm not caught up, due to the aforementioned issues I also neglected hobbies/media consumption and haven't logged in in a while. I intend to get to this soon and then I can answer stuff about it!

> Did I finish HxH/am I going to make HxH content

Yes I did! I had a few eps left when I went into the depressive phase, so I just picked it back up and finished it while I was traveling this weekend.

I really enjoyed it, so I'd love to write content for it (if that's what The People™ want as well? Let me know)

> Have I played HSR

Unfortunately I can't play Star Rail because it's not on PS4 :( I hope to save up for a PS5 so when I can get one, I'll play it.

> What am I working on

There's a few things I'm either actively on or would like to do!

1) proofreading Diluc escape fic I've had sitting around forever (will post today or tomorrow)

2) another Hybrid post I started a while back (almost done)

3) I haven't checked on it in a while, so I was pleasantly surprised to learn Malebolge (the Morax failed escape fic) is by far the most popular thing I've ever written, a lot of people wanted a sequel so I've started the bare bones drafting of a sequel for it.

4) I might go back and finish the scara failed escape fic I mentioned all the way back in late 2022, I eventually got over the heel-turn dislike I developed (read: I have erased everything post 2.1 from my brain), I was already like 10k words into it so it feels like a waste to not do so. But I'm not sure, I'll just have to see how it goes

5) Sifting through old WIPs/drafts to maybe finish some, maybe start making hxh content etc

#I have a lot of 'started and never finished' writing projects #God decided being a bipolar autist wasnt enough to counteract my sins and triple nerfed me by adding ADHD

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oldhalloweentape · 6 months ago

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🪨Venture (OW II) x (gn) reader ⛏️

(Peak Miscommunication Short Edition!)

(Picture’s not mine!)

(Request here! Sorry for making you guys wait! I’m currently feeling a bit sluggish from some outside stuff, hope you guys understand!)

- This phase in your relationship, the standstill that could make a platonic one into a romantic one was… Definitely a confusing and frustrating time for the two of you, especially for Venture.

- It was a feeling alien to them, being the beam of confidence, excitement, and bravery in every situation. They were out of their depth and they knew it, being absolutely transfixed on everything you did.

- Confessing and asking for a date felt like climbing Mount Olympus, they are eager to do so to earn your favor but the second they try to get to the peak they freeze, feeling as if Zeus’ thunderbolt has struck them and they’re left scrambling away like a fool.

- They never once felt like this, you had this effect on them that couldn’t possibly fathom. For once in their life of recklessness and glory, they were nervous.

- Getting a grip proved to be a great challenge, their bearings being dashed when you asked them questions based upon their knowledge, their interests, who they were as a person… You had an aura about you that they coveted and it showed rather negatively much to your notice and much to their chagrin.

- The unbecoming behavior of Venture of seemingly making excuse after excuse to get out of your presence after being so kind to you was… Disheartening.

- For you had fallen in love with their antics, their tendencies, their quirks— In general you believed them to be passionate and hoped that one day they’d have that passion for you.

- Eventually, it all becomes too much and you decide to put matters into your own hands and get to the bottom of this erratic mess and figure out why Venture was acting so… out of character.

- On that particular day, they had come to you, so ready to tell you only to have anxiety wracking their system as they froze in place once again before turning a heel— Feeling as if they were in fight or flight mode and opted for the latter option before they were stopped by the sound of your voice and the touch of your hand.

- They weren’t going to get themselves out of this… And that was probably for the best.

Face to face for far longer than they had since they realized their feelings for you, they fought the urge to shrink in on themselves as they took a deep breath before giving you a shaky smile. It didn’t do much to help their case as your gaze hardened a bit, the silence and tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. You were the one to break the silence, your tone calm yet serious as you spoke “Sloane, you’ve been acting… Weird lately, and as someone who cares deeply about you, I can’t ignore it. I can barely get a sentence in without you running off to god knows where— It just… It feels like you’re trying to distance yourself—“

“No! No no— I’m— It’s nothing like that!” They interjected abruptly, both of your eyes wide from the suddenness before Venture looked down, slumping in on themselves, muttering incoherently as they ran a hand through their hair. “Then… What is it?” You asked, your words had a bit of wavering to them as you placed your other hand on their shoulder, making them feel as if their nerves were on fire, faces flushed as they squeezed their eyes shut. Their resolve was on one thing and one thing only, finally telling you how they felt as they took a deep inhale and then looked up at you. “Reader, I’m so so sorry that this mess came off like that… I’ve been struggling with telling you that…”

Their fists clenched and looked away involuntarily as they cursed in Spanish under their breath, stalling a bit before feeling your hands in their own, making their breath hitch and look at you all wide-eyed— Giving them the courage to say what needed to be said, “I like you— Like… A lot and… I was wondering… Would you like to go on a… Date?”

(…Lord they make me feel so stupid, in a good way.)

#overwatch 2 #venture overwatch #overwatch x reader #venture x reader #venture ow2

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linkspooky · 7 months ago

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Yu Gi Oh GX and Alchemy: Citrinitas and the Splendor Solis

Yu-Gi-Oh GX, an anime that exists to sell you Trading Cards is a also a piece of media with some of the most well-researched, and layered symbols and references to the Great Work in Alchemy. The show is built around it's alchemical symbolism, each of the four seasons representing a step is the Great Work of turning lead into gold.

Season is Nigredo or 'blackening', Season 2 is Albedo or 'whitening', Season 3 is Cintrinatis or 'yellowing' and Season 4 is 'reddening,' where Judai achieves wholeness of the self, and completely his journey of growing from a child to an adult.

Season 3 is the yellowing, symbolized by the color yellow, the element of earth, and where Judai completes his final chemical wedding with his opposite and his soul Yubel.

The entirety of GX s a metaphor for the Great Work, with season 3 focusing on the yellow stage. The group that surrounds Judai represents each of the 4 stages of alchemy.

Manjoume, (Nigredo Black, and Fire)

Asuka (Albedo, White, and Water),

Misawa (Citrinatis, Yellow, and Earth)

Judai (Rubedo, Red, the Philosopher's stone, and Air).

Season 3 depicts the drowning of the king, only for him to be reborn again. The king in this situation being Judai who drowns and rises up as the Supreme King associated with yellow, is defeated and dethroned, only to embrace the Supreme King's power and integrate it into himself.

All of Season 3 is a necessary dissolution of Judai, in order for him to be reforged into a stronger person, the way metal is purified through the process of alchemy. Judai even states in embracing Yubel at the end of the season that even if his previous self was destroyed he's fine with that because it's a part of growing up.

The entire season is themed around solve et coagula (dissolve and coagulate, rinse away the impurities to refine yourself into a better version of yourself / reforge the stone). Letting things dissolve away is needed in order to become purified, the same way that death alway proceeds a rebirth. We will call back to these ideas time and time again over the course of this meta. This symbolism starts in the very first episode of the season 106, where Judai experiences a dream premonition of the future.

In this dream Judai wakes up in a desert dimension, the same dimension, Yubel will later teleport the academy to. He sees his friends all turned to sand, only for the wind to scatter them on the breeze.

Not only is this a reference to Dissolve et Coagula, but Judai's friends will also literally dissolve later when they are used as sacrifice materials for Super Polymerization, only to coagulate at the end of the season. This scene also takes place in a desert, and earth is the element associated with citrinitas.

The Exchange Students

This episode also features the introduction of the four transfer students, particularly Johan. Each transfer student is associated with an element and a phase in the four step process of Alchemy.

Austin O'Brien, uses a fire deck, associated with nigredo

Amon Garam, uses a water deck, associated with Albedo

Jim Crocodile Cook, uses an earth deck, associated with Citrinatis

What about Johan, you ask?

So far we've been talking about Alchemy as a four step process, but sometimes there is a fifth step called Peacock's tail (The Prismatic Phase).

The peacock tail is a physical stage in alchemy, a brilliant flash of green which comes to signify that the alchemist is one the right path. It can also be recognized in spiritual/psychological alchemy as a flash of visions that come to the adept as they move through the phases of transformation.

The Splendor Solaris painting of Venus / The Peacock is associated with love (the domain the goddess venus presides over), spirit, spiritualism, and inspiriation. II often compare it to the star Major Aracana in Tarot, which is a card of renewed hope and faith and a flash of temporary insight.

What better step fits Johan who not only plays a deck based around seven monsters, which represent the seven colors of light that make up the prismatic rainbow, but also is a character who is capable of seeing duel spirits like Judai.

The most important part of the prismatic phase though is that it's temporary, it's a flash of insight. Johan most notably, after appearing and burning so bright he captures all of Judai's attention disappears halfway through the season.

The search for the yet to be discovered Rainbow Dragon is also what drives both Judai and Johan the first half of Season 3, especially when it becomes their only way to get home. While the search for Johan himself, is what drives Judai in the second half. Johan really is the star in the distance who's light Judai is following.

Judai's first duel against Austin is meant to invoke Nigredo, the boiling away of impurities. Austn uses a fire themed deck, and over the course of the duel Judai helps "purify them" to the point where they remember they're not supposed to blindly follow orders. Austin invokes the fire symbolism by quite literally saying his father was a man who blazed with passion.

I'd forgotten what my father taught me. My father wasn't jsut a dog who fought as he was told. He was a warrior who burned with passion. And he...Judai made me remember that.

Judai's purifying of Austin's soul also starts his character arc here, as he quickly grows from more than just Professor Cobra's willing collaborator.

Kenzan and Jim's duel is a reference to the step of Citrinitas. Kenzan and Jim both duel with earth centered decks, Kenzan's deck revolves around resurrecting dinosaurs, and Jim's deck digs fossils out of the earth. Jim's deck even revolves around fusing summoning monsters in the graveyards, which is a reference to his career as digging fossils deep out of the ground. Kenzan also wears yellow, and when his dinosaur DNA gets out of control his eyes turn yellow. The two of them have their duel on a dry patch of dirt in the middle of the forest.

Cintriatis is referred to as the drawning of the "solar light" inherent in one's being, and that reflective "lunar or soul light" was no longer necessary [source]. What this essentially means is that the subconscious becomes conscious, or we become aware of what we usually keep hidden about ourselves.

Jim's duel against Kenzan references this because the purpose of the duel itself is to wake up Kenzan from a primal, animalistic, subconscious state activated because his Dinosaur DNA went out of control. Jim is basically attempting to show Kenzan the light by calming him down with a duel, something he'll do much later with Judai. A duel between them is a duel betwee instinct and higher reasoning.

The last duel of the exchange students is Manjoume vs Amon. It's a duel that reveals so much and yet so little about Amon's character.

The second stage of alchemy is called albedo, a latinicized term of "whiteness." It's a purification thatfollows after the nigredo stages where all impurities are washed away. It's associated with water.

Amon invokes this stage in several ways. He plays a cloudian deck, clouds are associated with water. Albedo is associated with water because it features the "washing away" of impurities. They duel each other over a a pool of water, in a duel where the loser will be dropped into water below. Manjoume even refers to himself as the lightning going through Amon's clouds, there's only lightning when it rains.

Manjoume: I'm not a spoiled rich dude, casually gazing up at clouds like you were. Manjoume: If you're a white cloud, then I'll be the black thunder.

Albedo is also a stage associated with purification / purity, and the entire duel Amon is remarked upon as being pure / being unreadable like the white clouds themselves.

Manjoume: I'm beating him. It's obvious that I'm cornering him, but... Manjoume: ...What's with this cavelier attitude of his? It's almost like he's like a cloud. Manjoume: I haven't seen him dueling yet. What could he be hiding in those clouds?

Manjoume is also a character associated with Nigredo as he's wearing black, and plays a dragon deck, and the duel ends with him falling in the water.

The exchange student duels end, as the duel academy kids begin hunting down professor Cobra. There's a few moments of interesting elemental symbolism in these duels.

Judai is forced to duel his professor while Asuka, a character who also wears white and is therefore associated with Albedo is about to drown in a chamber slowly flooding with water.

This also doubles ad Jungian symbolism because this is Judai's first confrontation with his jungian shadow the repressed part of his personality. His professor derides him for lacking darkness of the heart. These words speak of Judai's flaws that have previously remained hidden, his selfishness, his unhealthy habit of taking on other's burdens because he lacks a purpose of his own.

Satou: You can't win. I have something that you lack? Judai: Something that I lack? Satou: The darkness of the heart lying deep within a duelist. Judai: Darkness of the heart? Satou: It is what a duelist burdens his heart with. Judai-kun, you lack anything of the sort. Judai: Something I'd burden my heart with? Satou: Thus far, there hasn't been a single duel which I've dueled for myself. ALthough, because you only think only of yourself, I suppose you couldn't possibly understand. Judai: But where's the fun in dueling like that? Satou: There's nothing fun about it! Being burdened with the expectations of others, yet continuing to stay strong. THat's what it was like.

His entire deck strategy revolves around taking control Judai's monsters and turning them against him. His ace monster is also known as "scab knight", a warrior covered in scars from fighting whil enduring the burden of everyone's expectations. Judai will come to resemble this card later on in the season.

I'll make a brief mention of Giese because this is the moment where Johan's role as the peacock feather come into play. Judai asks if Johan has a goal for dueling other than fun, and Johan shares his.

Johan: Those spirits gave me dueling a purpose! A purpose to become a bridge between spirits and humans... Judai: To become a bridge between spirits and humans?

A goal which Judai clearly admires him for. The prismatic phase shows insight, and Johan gives Judai something to aspire to be like because he admires him for having a goal - and for his relationship with spirits. However, it's only a temporary insight because rather than thinking about his own goal it's moments like these, and shortly afterwards in the Cobra duel where Johan tells Judai that he duels while carrying the burdens of others that Judai simply decides to glue himself onto Johan.

Rather than come up with his own answers, Judai just accepts the answers that Johan gives him. Rather than using Johan as support and inspiration, Johan becomes an unstable emotional crutch.

There's one final reference to the Spector Solaris plates in the vial in which Yubel has been baking in the entire arc as they absorb duel energy in order to reconstitute themselves. Yubel at this stage is a reference to the 12th plate, Saturn Dragon and Child.

The plate depicts a child and a dragon sealed together in a flask. Within the child's right hand is a black flask they are forcing down the throat of the dragon, in the left hand are a pair of bellows which he is holding against the dragon's arc. The child is pouring the black Prima Materia in the dragon's mouth, while he increases the heat of flame. This will result in the decomposition of the Prima Materia into a substance that can be reconfigured and rebuilt.

Yubel represents both the child and the dragon. They are a dragon, specifically a child who underwent surgery in order to become a dragon. Just like the child forces their right hand down the dragons throat, Yubel possesses people by grafting their arm onto them.

Yubel also specifically appears as a child, Cobra's missing son, in order to manipulate him. Then feasts on the darkness of his heart and induces him to commit suicide by covering Cobra's entire hand with their fiend arm, and feeding them a false memory of a scenario where their son actually survived. They then transport the entiretyof the school to a desert, more earth symbolism and where the series begins referencing the seven parables.

Splendor Solis

The Splender Solis are an alchemical text from around the 1500s. They are a series of 22 elaborate images, which symbolize the alchemical processes.

They are divided into 4 groups. 4 introductory plates which depict the typical archetypal characters appearing in an alchemical story. The 7 parables which describe the process of death and rebirth of the king. The 7 flask plates which show the making of the elixir. Then the 4 final plates which shows the spiritual refinement.

The main arc of Season 3 revolves around the death and rebirth of the king, and from now on this meta will exclusively focus on Judai's process of becoming the awakened Supreme King.

As mentioned above he entire school is transported into a desert world. One of the first major events in this new world is the appearance of a Wise Man.

Carl Jung interpreted the process of alchemy as an analogy for psychoanalysis. Each stage of alchemy to him also represented an archetypal schema of the human mind. Nigredo is the shadow, Abledow the anima and animus (feminine and masculine), citrinatis i the wise old man (or woman) archetype, and rubedo is the self that has achieved wholeness.

It's the appearance of Misawa who physically resembles a wise old man, complete with a cloak, long hair and a walking stick that helps clue the protagonist where they are, and how to escape.

I also must make mention of Yubel, who begins enacting their plan to turn Judai into a king. Their first plan involves transporting the academy away to a different dimmension, and slowly taking over from inside by converting the duelists into mindless zombies.

Yubel: Attention, lost duelists. I am the rule of this new world. Yubel: I am the one controlling these zombies as the King of the Martin Empire. Yubel: You are the ones opposing my empire, and doing it well I see...

We don't know exactly what Yubel's first plan was, before they switched to their backup of super-polymerization - but considering Yubel's unique logic they likely planned on converting everyone in the school to zombies, while reforming their body. At which point it would be them and Judai alone together, and they would offer Judai the position as king, which Yubel thinks Judai would be grateful for.

Either way it's Yubel who pushes Judai through the journey of dying and being reborn as king. Yubel goes through a parallel death and rebirth (dissolved) , as they were torn to pieces and enact their plan to reconsitute their body back together and revive (coagulate). Either way Yubel's actions start Judai's journey.

The 7 steps of this journey / 7 parables are:

Plate 5 - Miners excavating a hill

Plate 6 - Philosophers beside a tree

Plate 7 - The drowning king

Plate 8 - Resurrection out of the swamp

Plate 9 - Hermaphrodite with an egg

Plate 10 - Severing the head of the king

Plate 11 - The bath

We'll be going mostly in order with these, as Yu-Gi-Oh GX also references them in order. Here's another post covering similiar spector solis symolism from RWBY which I'm lovingly ripping off. Beginning with:

Plate 5- Miners Excavating a Hill

The search for Rainbow Dragon has been a focus of Johan's arc since his introduction, but when the main characters learn that Rainbow Dragon is their way out of the dark dimension than excavating Rainbow Dragon out of the earth becomes the main focus of Judai and Johan's shared journey.

The plate depicts a mountain mined by two figures, dressed in gold and silver. The contrasting colors represent the dualism of the sun and the moon, which is also shown shining bright in the sky while the moon floats along in the river below.

Rainbow Dragon is quite literally mined out of the side of a hill. The two figures could be referencing both, Samejima and Pegasus who are sent out to retrieve it, Johan and Judai who summon it in their partner duel against Yubel.

The number seven also occurs here. There are seven splender solis plates, seven planets, seven alchemical symbols, seven metals, and Rainbow Dragon is a monster that requires the sacrifice of seven gemstones, which also represent the seven colors of light that make up the rainbow.

Featured on the plate is a picture of a scene from the book of Esthter from the Old Testament. This is a reference to the King Ahasuerus and Eshter. THe king is convinced by his grand vizier to kill the jews, starting with executing chief minister Mordecai. This is in spite of the facthe'd already married Mordecai's jewish cousin, Esther.

Eshther appears and touches the king's golden scepter with her hand. This convinces the king not to kill the jews.

“So it was, when the king saw Queen Esther standing in the court, that she found favor in his sight, and the king held out to Esther the golden scepter that was in his hand. Then Esther went near and touched the top of the scepter. And the king said to her, ‘What do you wish Queen Esther? It shall be given to you – up to half the kingdom!’” (The Holy Bible, New King James Edition, Esther 5.3)

It's a union of opposites (gold and silver, king and queen, sun and moon) based upon communication and empathy. Gx references this story in two ways.

When Samejima and Pegasus are trying to excavate Rainbow Dragon from the mountain, Echo appears and threatens to kill everyone inside in order to allow Amon to remain in a world where he can become king. In a way it's gender flopped because Echo is playing the role of king, threatening everyone at Duel Academy.

The second way is a reference to Judai and Yubel's entire arc of learning to understand people with empathy. Yubel threatens to massacre both Judai's friends, and the twelve dimmensions at large in their painfully wounded state from Judai's abandonment.

This is gender flipped like it is with Echo, where the queen (Yubel) is threatening violence, and the king (Judai) is the one who sways them with empathy. They're linked to queen and king roles, Judai serving as the supreme king linked to the sun, Yubel their feminine bi-gender counterpart and shadow linked to the moon, Judai eventually does so through a union of souls during their final duel, which resembles s a jewish wedding.

Plate 6- The Philosophical Tree

The plate shows three philsophers underneath a tree. The third is a youth, climbing a ladder and handing them down a golden branch.

The two philosophers underneath a tree is a reference to the Aeinid, in order to enter the world Aeneas requires a golden branch from a special tree.

A journey to the underworld is as on the nose for a symbolic journey of death and rebirth as it gets. Judai technically journeys to the underworld twice, the first time when Yubel sends the whole school there, and the second when he like Dante or Orpheus journeys into the underworld to retrieve his lost one - Johan.

The desert world that Judai is transported too is literally filled with zombies, or the wandering dead like in classical depictions of the greek Hades.

Whereas in the world Judai travels to find Johan, losing a duel results in a permanent death for the duelist forcing every character to confront their own mortality.

During that Journey, Judai specifically experiences a death of his ego and a rebirth as the supreme king, before dying a second time and being reborn as the fusion of Judai / Yubel.

The three philosopher's under the tree is specifically referenced when Judai and Johan have their tag team with Yubel, they are the three under the tree. During that duel Johan uses gem tree, a tree that grows a fruit after certain conditions - it grows three fruits in total like the three phases of alchemy.

The duel is fought to return everyone from the dark dimension, a figurative underworld. Whereas in the Aeinid the tree is what grants them free passage into the underworld.

The golden branch and yellow flowers in the splendor solis painting also represent the yellow / citrinitas stage, where light is shed on the unconscious. By the end of the duel, not only is Yubel fully reborn after being torn apart, but they also force Judai to recall the repressed memory of them buried in their subconscious. Yubel's colored yellow when begging Judai to remember them.

Plate 7- The Drowning King

Judai's second journey to the underworld begins after this duel, and this time it's fraught with death. Albeit a necessary death for Judai to be reborn as a whole person.

“The Destruction of one thing is the birth of another.” – Aristotle

The painting depicts an old king drowning in the background, while a new king dressed in yellow emerges in the foreground. While the king is begging to the saved, both the old and new king are actually the same person, being reborn again.

GX references the drowning king in several ways, firstly the entire Supreme King Haou arc is a plan by Yubel to break Judai down and reforge him as the Supreme King.

Not only does Judai experience an ego death first where their mind breaks down and they choose to become the Supreme King going forward and rule with power after the loss of their friends. Judai is also the reincarnation of the original supreme king, which is why Yubel is obsessed with them in this lifetime. Which means he's already died once as king and been reincarnated into a second lifetime.

The king drowning in the river is also a reference to the Nigredo stage of alchemy:

Within the stages of physical alchemy there is a set referred to as the drowning king; this is the dissolution step of the Nigredo process. This is when the alchemists would take their chemically calcified ashes and dissolve them into water. The water itself would absorb the ashes, the word we use to describe this solution, an elixir, comes from the Arabic: Al-iksir translates to “from the ashes”. Elixir.

In order to forge the elixir you have to dissolve away all impurities. Yubel prepares a ritual to literally dissolve Judai's friends away, in order to forge Super Polymerization (which will eventually help Judai and Yubel fuse and become the philosopher's stone).

For now though, the ritual requires five sacrifices, and five of Judai's friend. Just like the five steps of alchemy if you count the peacock stage (the monster Judai fights in his duel is even named Reign-Beaux, a pun on Rainbow).

Manjoume, Asuka, Fubuki, and Kenzan all dissolve while Sho escapes leaving the ritual incomplete. It's after the ritual however, that Judai experiences an ego death and is reforged as the yellow king. Ego death, is the Jungian term which means a "Complete Loss of subjective self-identity." In this case symbolically the Judai identity "dies" as he loses his purpose which was previously dueling for the sake of his friends, and he finds a new purpose in dueling for power alone. A power that will simultaneously bring order to the chaotic world of the dark dimension, but also protect himself from his own insecurities and weaknesses.

Nigredo is also meant to be the dissolving of the ego. While many cultures have negative associations tied to the color black (Islam being an exception, where white is considered an impure colour), there are no such connotations for the alchemist about the Nigrido stage; it is merely the first stage in the Great Work, the dissolving of the self/ego complex. It is probably a fair observation that in cultures without spiritual safe-guards, or even safe-guardians (shamans, priestesses, lamas, et. al.), the spontaneous occurrence of Nigrido may be labeled as a nervous breakdown, or even psychosis. Mythcrafts

Nigredo is again associated with the arhcetype of the shadow in Jungian Psychology. The Supreme King persona first appears to Judai as a vaguely person shaped shadow, before taking on his form. The shadow is also a reflection of the self, Judai's internal landscape is a dark placed filled with mirrors.

Haou: Yuki Judai. In order to defeat evil, one must become evil. In a world with the law of the jungle at work, one must rule with power. Judai: Power, I don't have that power. Haou: In your hand lies the Super Fusion card. Defeat any spirits who may oppose you, and confine their lives into it the perfect card. Judai: Who are you?

There's also two suns in the background. Judai is referred to as being like the sun, by Sho.

Sho: Aniki, You're too selfish, Aniki. All the time, Aniki, I thought of you like a sun, giving us all strength, able to make the impossible possible. Sho: But I guess I thought wrong. For you, Aniki, things were okay if you were okay. It didn't matter who you sacrificed as long as it all helped your plan! Even if you avenge them, everyone you sacrificed won't come back. Sho: Big bro, you've been dueling just to satisfy yourself. Judai: Sho... Sho: Don't say it like that. You're not my Aniki. You're not my Aniki.

There's two suns depicted in the sky, and this scene we're shown two judais, to show just how divided his self is between his ego and his shadow. Sho even says that he doesn't even recognize Judai and that he's not "His Judai" right now.

Plate 8- Resurrection Out of the Swamp

“She clothed the man with a purple robe, lifted him up to his brightest clearness, and took him with herself to Heaven.” -Trismosin

On the left a strange being, dressed in black and red arises from the mud. He reaches forward to accept a red robe being offered to him.

On the right appears a winged woman, dressed in white, yellow and blue waiting for him to emerge from the mud and giving him a cloak to dress himself.

There is once again many different ways in which this painting is referenced. Haou first appears dressed in armor mainly colored in black, with a red cape exactly like the one the woman is handing the man in the painting.

If Judai is the man emerging from the mud, then the winged woman waiting for him is likely Yubel. Yubel is a winged figure and a hermaphrodite who represents both the masculine and the feminine.

On the bank of the river, holding out the red clock to the emerging man is Sophia. She has angel wings of white peacock feathers and is dressed in a floral robe. Upon her head is a crown topped with a six-pointed star, a symbol used in many traditions to signify the union of male and female energies; hieros gamos again.

The masculine king is reuniting with a feminine winged figure. Yubel as a hermaphrodite represents a union of masculinity and feminity. The winged woman is awaiting the man.

Judai's rise as the supreme king is engineered by Yubel as a part of a plan to reunite them. More specifically to get into plot details Yubel sacrificed their body to become a dragon to protect prince Judai in a past life until the day he would become king. After Judai saw Yubel make such a sacrifice he promised them his eternal love, and to eternally love them alone.

Yubel and Judai then both died at some point and were reborn, Judai as a person and Yubel a duel spirit. Yubel was Judai's best friend when they were young and took the role of protector too serously hurting anyone who came near Judai which made Judai decide to send them away (on a satellite into space).

While alone in space Yubel was hit by the light of destruction, which tortured them with terrible agony for ten years straight. Yubel called out to Judai at first, but Judai stopped responding. Ten years later Yubel crashed back down to earth, and when burning up in earth's atmosphere they continued begging for Judai's help only to be met with silence.

They asked why Judai would abandon them and their love, and that silence became their answer. Judai must have intentionally made them suffer both as a show of love, and to make them stronger.

Yubel then resolves to inflict the same suffering on Judai, first making them all alone like Yubel was, then putting them through trial after trial until they died like Yubel and woke up stronger as the Supreme King: at which point Yubel believed they would reunite again as equals. Yubel also had the additional motive of trying to make Judai recall his past life, which Yubel remembered and Judai did not.

Yubel: I was suffering as you came to forget about me... Yubel: It burns... It hurts...It's killing me. But why? I love him so much. Why is Judai treating me like this? Yubel: And then it hit me. This is just a form of Judai's love. Judai is hurting me and making me suffer because of his love for me. But you see, I couldn't possibly forget about you in the time i've suffered. Yubel: So when I solved the riddle that you posed to me, I was delighted. And that fueled my decision. I would try to fill the entire twelve dimmensions with my love for you. Yubel: And once I did you would have to recognize my love for you, wouldn't you? Yubel: That is why I sought to fill all those linked to you - your world - with both sadness and anguish. Yubel: ANd my line of thinking wasn't wrong. Yubel: I mean you are right before my eyes, Judai.

Yubel: Though, I did have your friends help me which pulled out the darkness inside your heart and ushered you this far.

The entirety of Season 3 is Judai's journey of becoming king, which will lead to his eventual union with Yubel, his soul, and his other half.

The union of Judai and Yubel is necessary in a Jungian sense, because his fusion with Yubel mirrors the process of individuation.

The alchemical texts at our disposal offer four distinct stages in the transformation of base metals into gold: nigredo. the black stage, albedo, the white stage, citrinas, the yellow stage, and finally, rubedo, the red stage. Physical chemists took this literally; depth psychologists, following in the footsteps of Carl Jung, took this figuratively. From the standpoint of depth psychology, the black nigredo is the shadow, the things we hide from ourselves. The albedo, the white stage, is the hieros gamos, the sacred marriage of male/female, or anima and animus. The citrinas, the yellow phase, is the wise elder, the shaman. And the red, or rubedo, which seems to be the point of this image, is what Jung called individuation; the point when the raw materia prima of our psyches turns into something whole.

Yubel sort of represents all three of those archetypal schema. Yubel is Judai's shadow, they awakened the supreme king which embodies all of his negative traits his darkness of heart. As a hermaphrodite Yubel is a sacred marriage of male and female, and Judai also fuses together with Yubel becoming a hermaprhodite himself. Finally, Yubel is the wise man by serving as the mind character to Judai's heart.

Heart, Mind and Body are traditional roles assigned to characters in an alchemy story. The male character s usually heart, and their female protagonist is mind. Judai is emotional, hot-headed, and most of all stupid. Yubel is tactical, capable of making succesful plans long in advanced, calm and thoughtful, and also possesses deep insight into things Judai is clueless about like the nature of love. In fact after the two of them are united, it's Yubel who serves an advisory role to Judai the way Aster does with Yuma in Zexal. Heart and Mind characters are often, but not always romantically linked to one another.

Yubel also appears as a wise guide in a twisted sense, as they're the one guiding Judai throughout the whole journey and eventually they reawaken the memories of his past.

Judai therefore needs to unite with Yubel in order for his psyche to be whole.

There's other characters who can also serve as the sophia / wiseman figure in this instance. Jim Crocodile Cook is the first character to fight Judai to try to get through to him. Once again Jim is an archealogist, he likes trying to reach Judai to digging for sleeping fossils under the earth.

He also possesses a special eye, given to him by a wise man which allows him to see inside of Judai's psyche. Jim is quite literally trying to dig Judai out of the mud. When using his power the comet his eye is associated with turns red, like rubedo and the philosopher's stone because Jim is trying to make Judai whole again.

Austin follows through on Jim's iniatitive and succesfully reaches Judai. His fire deck allows for a nigredo of sorts winning with his fire themed deck to boil away the impurities of Judai's soul starting up the alchemical process.

When Judai awakens he's reborn again underneath a tree into a new self, that's both the supreme king and Judai. Another wiseman figure appears to him in the form of Misawa shortly afterwards to highlight to Judai that the Supreme King isn't a split personality, Judai is the supreme king and he did all of that of his free will.

Judai: The supreme king's gone, though... his powers can't be mine. Misawa: Not quite... Your current self and Supreme King Judai are each one side of the same person. We all have a good and evil side. Judai: But... Misawa: Will you quit it, already! You won't be able to rescue the others with powerless heroics! Controlling your powerful Supreme King side will allow you to bring about justice. Judai: The power of darkness? I can't! Just stop it! Misawa: Stop your whining. Someone who was given special powers will have to fight for all those who've placed their hopes on them, won't they?

In that sense Misawa is the Wiseman who appears to guide Judai to integrate the Supreme King into his psyche, to be more whole.

The Nihilixir

Let's take a break from alchemy to talk about reverse alchemy for a moment, because I can't do a Season 3 post without talking about Amon Garam.

The relationship between Amon and Echo form a dark mirror to the relationship between Judai and Yubel. There are many ways they correspond to each other, both features a king (Judai and Amon) and their servant (Yubel and Echo). Amon is named after a sun god (AMon or Amon-Re), he was abandoned in the desert as a child, he's associated with the solar king. Echo is his Echo more or less, she was raised alongside him to be devoted to him, she's named after the nymph echo cursed to be left behind as nothing more than an Echo. She is passive and subservient, Amon is active and dominating.

I once mentioned Echo above threatening to kill everyone present, so Amon can be in a world where he can become king. Just like Yubel it's Echo's deepest desire for Amon to be king, and Echo genuinely believes Amon has the right to stand above others. They're also set up as the only other explicitly romantic couple besides Judai and Yubel. Yubel drops the extremely intimate "aishiteru" to Judai, and Echo confirms she loves Amon with "Aishiteru" when talking with Edo.

Echo and Amon attempt a union, but unlike Judai and Yubel's union it goes wrong, instead of purifying each other they both basically destroy each other.

Instead of forging a philosopher's stone, what Amon and Echo make is what's called a Nihilixir, a negative transformation. The process of reverse alchemy is elaborated on this posts here.

Love’s alchemy had once transformed him to “Sun”--to ”a quintessence even from nothingness.” A normal, positive transformation. But now he has been transformed in reverse. a negative transformation. For I am every dead thing... He ruined me, and I am rebegot Of absence, darkness, death, things which are not.... I, by love’s limbecke, am the grave Of all, that’s nothing. (”Limbecke” is another word for the alchemical vessel, the alembic.) The reverse of the Philosopher’s Stone, the Elixir, is the Nihilixir

While Death and Rebirth is a necessary part of Alchemy, Reverse Alchemy is Death without the rebirth. It's a love which should usually redeem destroying both parties instead.

Kate in this post likens reverse alchemy to the relationship between Oz and Salem from RWBY, an incredibly destructive romance. To paraphrase Kate, death and rebirth is necessary for moving forward in alchemy, but reverse alchemy happens when a character resists death and the grief that comes along with it.

Amon's arc is more or less refusing to feel his own grief. He is undeniably an abused child with a terrible lot in life, left to starve to death when he thinks he's finally saved and works hard to earn his parent's love he is replaced by a biological child and learns how conditional his parent's love is.

Yubel basically takes advantage of all the unprocessed grief that Amon has in order to move him forward to his destruction.

Yubel: My power is not especially great. But those with darkness in their hearts can unleash great power in me. Yubel: The pus welling out of your injured heart forms a second heart. I can see that other heart. The darkness in it. Yubel: The darkness in your heart that has nowhere else to go. You desire life-risking tasks because, all you want is a place to die. Yubel: That’s right. That is the darkness of your heart. it’s there, in the depths of your mind. The cream of your other heart, born from your stagnant blood!

In other words Amon is plagued by thoughts of suicidal ideation and takes on risky missions for the sake of the Garam Conglomerate because he's hoping to just die somewhere far away from his parent's - because he thinks he's been shunned from his family and therefore there's no place for him in this world.

He believes that so thoroughly he even leaves this world and doesn't come back, for a chance to be king in an alternate dimmension free from family obligations.

Yubel says that in order to become whole, to become his true self he would need to "kill his god." More specifically kill his iron will, the resolve he made when his brother was born to only exist for the sake of the Garam conglomerate.

However, you cannot kill your own god. That is because it is the role of a devil.

There's an element of truth to Yubel's words, Yubel is the spirit of wisdom after all. Amon needs to accept death, in order to be reborn as someone new.

Kate basically says where Salem and Oz's relationship goes wrong is that Salem cannot accept death or grieve Oz, and imagine living in a world without him. Which is why she's cursed with immortality, literally becoming undying, and unable to change as well.

Amon cannot accept grief. He's still obsessed with the idea of becoming the head of the Garam family, like he was promised when he was younger - symbolically coming king. He can neither let go of that idea and try to find other ways to be happy in life, or grieve his parent's abuse of him by basically raising him to be a tool only to discard him.

In fact, I believe a lot of people have trouble connecting to Amon as a character because he doesn't openly grieve - he remains stoic b/c he's so dedicated to trying to repress all his pain from his terrible life.

This is another way in which Amon foils Judai, they're both referred to as being pure of heart, and therefore lacking a shadow and darkness. This is not a good thing, Judai's lack of darkness of the heart makes him blind to his own flaws until he hits his lowest point. Amon's so disconnected from his own emotions, he can at one point cruelly lure Echo to her own murder, then five minutes later claim to love her. It's this resistance of grief, and lack of darkness of his heart that makes Amon unable to transform into his better self.

Paralleling Judai yet again, Amon conducts a ritual to sacrifice his loved one in order to forge a powerful card, Superpoly for Judai and Exodia for Amon. However, him and Echo don't die together, it's not a union it's a one-sided affair with Echo taking on all the sacrifice herself. As I said, Amon is unwilling to bear the pain in any way. This is something that Yubel gleefully points out to Amon.

Yubel: I get it now... You weren't in love with Echo. Yubel: No. You may have loved her just enough to clear the conditions in place for you to control Exodia. Yubel: But then, you didn't truly love each other. Yubel: You were only unfairly hurting her, while you would stay unharmed. Yubel: You wouldn't suffer. You wouldn't be in pain.

Yubel: And that's why I'm having Judai go through the same feelings! That could be what it means for us to love!

Again there is an element of truth to Yubel's words. Amon and Echo's relationship was fundamentally unequal and Amon has no desire to change it, and even takes advantage of Echo in that way.

Yubel for all the pain they inflict on Judai desires to be equal in their pains, and their goal is connection and communication which is fundamental to the process of alchemy. Yubel does many things, but they're not resisting grief. In comparison to Amon who shows almost no emotion at Echo's passing, Yubel openly cries on multiple occasions from the pain of Judai abandoning them.

Amon's inability to process his grief of let himself feel pain, or just let go of the idea that he was meant to become his parent's heir and inherit the world - he can't see that he could try to live some other way. He's blind to the people who love him in his life. This is also something that Yubel points out, he could have tried to live a different life from what his family set out for him with Echo. Echo who was always there and loved him. He can't get over his parents lack of love to see there was still love in his life. He can't see a world where he can live without his parent's love.

Yubel: That isn't a world! Yubel: I wouldn't even think of living in a world like that. Yubel: You see, a "world" is something that you build with the one that you love! Yubel: For me, it's something I'll build with Judai! That is a world!

Amon could have created something new with Echo, but he refused to change. Which is why in the end they both destroy each other.

Of course, Judai and Yubel's love isn't exactly a paragon of healthy relationship. Yubel is also unable to imagine a world where they can't live without Judai. However Yubel does allow their beliefs to change after a union with Judai, originally Yubel was so afraid of Judai's rejection they wanted to monpolize all of Judai's attention and essentially live in a world with only them and Judai.

However, after their union in season 4 Yubel is able to accept Judai having bonds with other people doesn't mean that Judai will abandon them.

The parallel with Amon and Echo shows that Judai and Yubel have the potential to destroy each other, but by accepting each other's grief thy both changed for the better instead.

Plate 9 - The Hermaphrodite

The hermaphrodite is the smybol of the marraige of Solar and Lunar (Sun and Moon.) This is usually embodied by a chemical wedding. This post will be shorter, because I already detailed Judai and Yubel's chemical wedding in this post here.

The Splender Solis depicts a winged figure with two heads, one male and one female. The masculine side of the figure is solar symbolism, his radiant shield, his red wing, his golden halo. The feminine side of this figure is lunar symbolism, her white wing, her silver halo, the egg she holds in her hand. Menstrual cycle are lunar, eggs are lunar, etc.

Yubel’s design is a Rebis, split male and female down the middle. It’s even implied in their backstory they were more masculine, and through an alchemical process to become a dragon altered their body to look as such, giving them several feminine traits.

Yubel as one boob and one pec, one muscular leg and one femine leg, speaks in two voices a deep masculine one and a light feminine one, defaults to using masculine “boku”, but plays a feminine role to comparison Judai’s more straighforward masculinity, they even have their face split one side being drawn with eyelashes.

he appearance of the Hermaphrodite comes after what Jung called the Conjunctio, metaphorically the marriage of Solar and Lunar, or the physical marriage of alchemical sulfur and mercury. While the imagery of plate 9 is quite explicit in its depiction of the hermaphrodite, it is subtle in comparison to another illuminated medieval text: the Rosarium Philosophorum (Rode Garden philosophy)

Judai and Yubel also literally duel together in a Rose garden.

When opposites are finally reconciled, the great hermaphrodite is formed. Judai even refers to this as an act of finally purifying the light’s corruption from Yubel’s soul by uniting it with the supreme king’s soul. The union is a purifying process, and the end of Yubel and Judai’s long journey of losing each other and finding each other again.

However, in order to be purified they have to both let their old selves die in order to form something new, the final death but one they experience together. In order to do that both need to experience a dismemberment.

Plate 10 and Plate 11

I'm coupling these two together because the Severing the head of the king an the bath represent the final process of death and rebirth.

Alchemy is violent, Solve et Coagula requires things to dissolve away before they can coagulate together again. Before the psyche can rebuild, it has to be ripped apart. Before a relationship can get better, two lovers need to clash.

The image itself is set in a city in a countryside, a man is holding a decapitated head severed from a body lying at his feet. Both Judai and Yubel experience a dismemberment at one point or another. In another classical alchemical text Lunar King and Queen experience this dismemberment together, in order to represent the violent union of opposites.

Judai experiences Ego death after his friends are dissolved and adopts the moniker of the supreme king. When he's finally snapped out of it, Hell Kaiser takes his helmet off and throws the helmet to the crowd below in a symbolic decapitation.

Yubel is torn to pieces when they re-enter earth's atmopshere, and quite literally are reduced to just a hand the way the body's limbs are all cut off. They need to use duel energy to restore each other. The second time they dissolve in the duel against Judai and Johan and they physically dissolve a second time and need to possess Johan's body in order to recover.

Another feature of the Splendor Solis painting is the kingdom by a river in the background invoking water, and Air which is related to the sword suit in tarot like the sword the main holds.

Judai and Yubel duel atop the clouds (air) and recalls the past when the air starts blowing the clouds away revealing a kingdom by the waterside.

While experiencing the past he recalls the violent surgery Yubel endured to be reborn as a dragon, literally tearing their body apart in a painful procedure.

Afterwards Prince Judai touched by the sacrifice Yubel made for their sake, unites with Yubel, promising Yubel their eternal love. He also recalls that he and Yubel were together in their past lives, and therefore they've already experienced one death only to be reborn again and meet each other. Judai: You did this... to protect me. Yubel: It is fine. Protecting you as you grow from a child into an adult is my duty after all. Judai: Yubel, I promise you. My love will only belong to you. No matter what anyone says, I will keep loving you.

The union and promise also take place by the waterside, which is symbolic of the bath which is the final plat of the Solis.

The final image is a man sitting in a bath, with a fire beneath it. The plate is an analaogy for sublimation the boiling fo a substance - Judai experienced a sublimation when the water of the clouds turned to air, in a breeze that revealed his past.

IWhen a bath appear in fiction it's often depicted as a man and woman bathing, though it doesn't necessarily have to involve water. For Judai and Yubel, it's their final union brought about by Super Polymerization fusing their souls together.

Judai even refers to this process of purifying the corruption of the light of destruction by joining his soul together with theirs.

Yubel is not destroyed, but rather pacified with a single touch must like Esther with her king, and ends up giving up on their plans of destruction from one act of communication and understanding.

The parable contains a reference to Medea.

“OVID the old Roman, wrote to the same end, when he mentioned an ancient Sage who desired to rejuvenate himself was told: he should allow himself to be cut to pieces and decoct to a perfect decoction, and then his limbs would reunite and again be renewed in plenty of strength.” (Trismosin 33).

Medea married the hero Jason. When he asked her to strengthen his father, she instead ritually killed him, bleeding his old blood away only to restore him later. Medea's also famous for dismembering her brother so that's kind of fun.

Yubel is a very Medea like figure, the embodiment of a woman scorned, after Jason abandoned Medea to marry a new wife, Medea decided to avenge herself by killing his wife, his children, his new father in law but sparing Jason. Her revenge is making him just as alone as she was. Yubel also cannot bring themselves to kill Judai, but take out their pain on all of his friends so Judai will have nothing left but them.

However, as mythcrafts says:

This image relates the ultimate cost of enlightenment, and the curse of growing up; all growth requires sacrifice. New life demands a little dying.

The path is physically painful. The man in the bath is being boiled. Chemical weddings are violent. Hudai screams out in agony when his soul is being fused with Yubel's. He even says that this fusion might destroy who he is now.

However, acepting that death is what allows both Judai and Yubel to take the first steps into healing together.

The plate is also a metaphor for the Hermes Trismegistus, “it arises from the earth and descends from heaven; it gathers to itself the strength of things above and things below” often shortned to "As above, so below."

Judai and Yubel's chemical wedding in the material world, also radiates to affect the cosmos or the world of the heavens. We see this in the effects of Super Polymerization changing the world around them, as it cuts to several characters in the outside world as the destruction of super poly spreads outward.

However, after the violent process of disolve et coagula is over, the two are empowered by each other to fight the light of destruction together. The change is now spreading out to the cosmos. They begin a journey of atonement which lasts even beyond season 4 and into the rest of their lives, to make up for the destruction they've caused.

Judai's friends who've been dissolved away finally return at the same time, and even Judai who is pronounced dead makes a return by the next episode changed into a fusion of himself and Yubel.

Death and rebirth, Grief and healing, all of Yubel's grief even dissolves away into tears as they finally let go of the idea they need to hurt others as much as they've been hurt.

Also because this is citrinitas the entire scene is dyed yellow. By accepting Yubel into his soul, Judai has transformed the dark night into a solar light. THe sun has risen for them both, as the lunar queen reunites with the solar king, they are no longer servant and master but equal.

The third stage, citrinitas, brings forth the light of the sun (the masculine), a light which magically transforms the shadowy and fearful subconscious into valuable consciousness. From the dark night of rubedo, to the pale morning light of albedo, the sun rises in citrinitas to the culmination of day in rubedo.

As Judai and Yubel depart together, we finally move onto the fourth stage of alchemy Rubedo where Judai and Yubel become one whole self!

I'll elaborate more on that on my next alchemy post though, because alchemy is still a four step process and there's still more to come for Judai / Yubel.

#ygo meta #yu gi oh gx #yu-gi-oh gx #judai yuki #soulshipping #yubel #alchemy #yu gi oh gx meta #yu-gi-oh #yu gi oh #jaden yuki

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3d-wifey · 1 year ago

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And They'd Find Us In A Week - Chapter 2

Pairing: Finnick Odair x Reader Word Count: 4.2k Synopsis: Here! Playlist: Listen up!

Past (ii) - You

[16 & 17] - THE CAPITOL

The man before you has a ten-year streak of picking which tribute will win. Or, at least, that’s what he’s been claiming for the past twenty minutes or so. He said it has something to do with a lot of strategic planning and background research, but at this point, he could say it had something to do with the phases of the moon and you’d still nod along. You had tried to listen closely when he first started talking, but—well, okay, that’s a lie. Everything these Capitols say goes in one ear and out the other. Actually, it doesn’t even make it as far as the first ear.

“I know how it sounds, but it’s definitely more than luck, I can assure you.” His hand catches your shoulder in his attempt to hold your very fleeting attention, trailing down your back more and more in his excitement. “Well, I won’t bore you with the details, they might be a touch too complicated for you to understand.” He laughs and you smile coyly, sidestepping his touch. You’re no stranger to the heavy-handed petting of men and women with ulterior motives, no matter how innocent they try to play it off as being at first.

It’s nighttime in the arena, and most of the tributes are getting a spare few hours of sleep before the nightmare continues. Meaning this watch party has turned into an actual party. Honestly, you don’t even know how you got trapped in a conversation with this guy.

You sip delicately from your straw, eyes roaming over the room of mingling bodies and wall-length screens depicting the games live—eager to look at literally anything but him. And that’s when you spot him: your saving grace walking by himself with his hands in his pockets.

You make eye contact with Finnick and smile, waving him over. He only hesitates for a split second, but it’s long enough that you worry he’ll leave you to fend for yourself. A fear that’s only abated when he calls out your name and approaches with a mystified grin.

“Finn!” Thank god. “I’ve been looking all over for you.” You exclaim in the most sickeningly saccharine Capitol voice you can muster. He stares with wide blue-green eyes, bemusedly mouthing ‘Finn?’ at you but you ignore him in favor of turning back to the man who somehow looks more starstruck than before.

“I’m sorry, but Finnick here promised me a dance.” You explain, pulling an excuse out of your ass. You loop your arm with Finnick’s, practically hanging off of him, and you hope beyond hope that Finnick is good at reading social cues. It should be obvious, right? You’re a big neon sign flashing ‘HELP ME’ in no uncertain terms.

“I did?” He asks, clearly confused at such a friendly greeting, but you stare up at him pleadingly and you must be projecting enough distress that he gets the memo. His back straightens in understanding and he smiles at the other man. “I did. But you know us victors, as slippery as an eel.” The other man lets out a flustered laugh. Finnick tilts his head as the band starts up. “Oh, I love this song. You don’t mind, do you? Thanks.”

You only have a few seconds to wonder what the hell an eel is before Finnick takes your glass out of your hand and hands it over to the sputtering man.

Your arms are still looped together as he leads you to the area where the other couples have decided to dance.

“May I have this dance?” He teases and you get a strong sense of déjà vu.

“Well, we’re already here, aren’t we?” You laugh. You loop your arms behind his neck, and big hands grab either side of your waist.

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this.” He sighs, any chance of him being serious is shattered by his smirk.

“What do you mean?” Your brows furrow before raising to touch your hairline when he spins you.

“You know; you being a damsel in distress, and me saving you by being dashingly handsome and charming.” He clears his throat obnoxiously and puffs up his chest playfully. You’re sure if his hands were free he’d stretch to flex his muscles.

“Mhm,” You hum doubtfully. “Those are…certainly words that could be said with your name in the same sentence.”

“...I think that’s the most roundabout way anyone has ever insulted me before.” His jaw drops before he grins down at you in amused surprise. You laugh at his face, sobering up a little.

“But thank you, Finnick. Seriously. I’m sorry I keep relying on you to pull me out. It’s just…” You don’t know what else to do.

“No, it’s alright. It’s fun, honestly. We rarely get to exercise the little authority we have over them.” His mouth shrugs instead of his shoulders, an endearing motion. “Better enjoy it while you can, right?’’

You nod.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He straightens up subtly as your probing stare looks him up and down. “Don’t take this the wrong way. You look great, but you don’t really seem like a suit kind of guy.” There’s nothing about his outward appearance that gives away how uncomfortable he is, but you only need to talk to him for a few minutes to know this isn’t the sort of thing he’d choose to wear. Not that he looks bad in it; far from it. The coat is tailored to sinch at his waist and a few buttons of his undershirt are undone. The color of the jacket complements his skin tone quite well and the little pocket square makes his eyes pop.

“Thank you. Try telling that to my prep team.” He rolls his eyes. “Apparently, telling them I feel like a circus monkey playing dress up isn’t enough to dissuade them, so I might need a second opinion.”

Circus? "Wait, you’ve seen a monkey before?” You ask in awed disbelief. His mouth moves wordlessly at your enthusiasm.

“Well…not in person, per se.”

Past (ii) - Finnick

[16 & 17] - THE NEXT DAY

Finnick pours the rest of his drink into one of the potted plants he walks past, unbuttoning his suit coat once he's out of sight. This really is the last time he's letting his stylist dress him up in this getup. He rubs his temple in an attempt to soothe his growing migraine. As far as he's concerned, his job here is done. He has no reason to keep watching the games. His tributes already died. He pushes the doors open to the wide balcony and stops in his tracks. Of the many things Finnick expects to find out here, your crying isn't one of them. His first thought is that you're mourning your tributes. His second thought is that Snow got to you. It's an odd time for Snow to drop that kind of proposition on you. There are too many people here, too open for that kind of conversation. He scratches that out and circles back to his first thought. When he wasn't busy rubbing elbows with sponsors, he was keeping an eye out for your tributes. Switching periodically from his kids to yours and he can't, for the life of him, explain why. They got pretty far, considering they were malnourished and had no combat training. The boy got crushed under a tree after an earthquake and the girl stayed with him until he died. Though, it wasn't long before a Career shot an arrow through her head. The balcony door shuts behind him, and you whip around. Neither of you says anything as you rush to wipe your face. There’s an awkward lull as you both silently assess each other. "If you tell me it gets easier, I will push you off this balcony." He doesn't answer immediately, instead taking a moment to look at you. God, you're beautiful. Even now, wiping away your tears and your hurt, you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He doesn’t say any of that. "I wasn't going to." He raises his hands placatingly. He waits for you to tell him to leave, but the demand never comes. He almost offers to but decides against it for no other reason than not wanting to leave you out here alone. Instead, he moves closer and leans against the railing. It's quiet between you both as you try to hide your tears. He looks at you from the corner of his eye a few times and scratches an eyebrow with his thumb. It’s odd to think the two of you were laughing and enjoying each other’s company only yesterday. "I cried in a supply closet the first time my kids died." He glances at your surprised face before looking back down at the view. He clears his throat around the words trapped in his throat. He’s never told anyone this before, he’s never wanted to. "A fourteen-year-old girl named Dahlia, and a sixteen-year-old boy named Nyle. They didn't even make it out of the Cornucopia." Nyle was decapitated by a tribute from One and Dahlia's throat was slit by a tribute from Seven. Finnick remembers crying so hard that he threw up in a mop bucket. "Why are you telling me this?" That is a good question. One with an answer Finnick doesn’t want to look too closely at, though it might—scratch that, it definitely has something to do with your big watery eyes staring up at him ingenuously.

"Your first game as a mentor is always the hardest, and it doesn't get easier. But,” he shrugs and pulls the artfully folded, blue handkerchief out of his breast pocket, and hands it to you. Turns out this suit is good for something, "you do learn what to expect. You get used to that hurt, build up a tolerance to it." At least, he hopes so. This is his third year as a mentor and the burn is still there. How much longer until he tries to extinguish it by using substances? The Morphlings lasted two and four years, respectively. Haymitch lasted two months. You look between him and the handkerchief for a second before using it to wipe at your eyes. "It's completely different than being in the games. It's different watching." You whisper, barely loud enough to be heard over the wind. "Yeah. It is.” That's another thing they don't mention when you become a victor. The after is often worse than the during. It’s a thought he had when he saw you at your Victor Tour celebration. He doesn’t know what exactly made him ask you to dance, it could have been the tenseness you carried in your shoulders like a wounded animal being surrounded, or maybe it was the way your pretty face cracked and shattered like glass the longer the Capitols talked to you.

You were a commendable actor, sure, you’d certainly have fooled anyone else. But you just, you had looked so alone—completely overwhelmed with the piranhas circling you. So he threw you a line.

Your words swim through his head.

And you want to save me? He didn’t say your assessment was right, in fact, he had ignored what you said entirely. But he never said you were wrong either. He doesn’t suddenly have a savior complex or anything, he’s got no delusions of being some kind of hero. It’s just. He knows how much he would have appreciated it if someone had stepped in on his behalf when he was fourteen, even for just a moment. It would have made all the difference. But there hadn’t been anyone. So, if he has the chance to change that for you—stop the crippling despondency before it sweeps you away—why wouldn’t he?

Finnick won’t overestimate his influence. If Snow gets to you, there’s very little he can do about it. But.

It doesn’t seem like he’s made you the offer yet. Doesn’t that mean something? Snow is nothing if not punctual, very cut-throat in that regard. If he wanted something from you, he would have asked already, right? So maybe, he lets himself think, maybe you’re safe.

He looks up to the sky. One of the many things he hates about the Capitol is the smog. They're in the mountains, but the sky is so polluted it's hard to even see the moon sometimes. "Can you see the stars well in Eleven?" He asks, waving off your attempt to hand him back the handkerchief. You can burn it for all he cares. "Yeah,” you nod. "We focus on agriculture, so there are no mills or factories to pollute the air." You move closer to where he's leaning and look up. It feels almost instinctual to copy you, to get closer and fall into your orbit. "Hmm," he hums, "same for Four. Ships come in and out of the harbor, but I don't think they do much damage." The calmest he's felt in his entire life is when he's staring up at the sky at night, sand under his feet, and waves crashing in the background. "A friend of mine loved looking at the stars. She never knew any of the constellations, so she'd make up her own with stories to go with them." Mags loved telling him all the stories she made up when she was his age. Even after the stroke took her ability to speak, she'd point up at a constellation and have Finnick retell them to her. "My dad knew the real constellations." There's a small, prideful grin on your face that he doubts you even know is there. But he does. He is very aware of it. "He'd tell them to me whenever we came back from harvesting." "The real constellations, huh?” He glances over his shoulder at the glass door leading inside. The game is down to its last few tributes. No one should come looking for either of you. "How about for every real story you tell me, I tell you a made-up one?" He grins at you, the bar of the balcony digging into his back as he turns around. Odd. He can’t remember the last time he’s been alone with someone—someone other than Mags and Annie—and has kept all of his clothes on. "Won't they miss you in there? I mean you’re definitely the main attraction in every room you're in." You nudge him gently with your elbow, looking up at him through wispy eyelashes. Your eyes are still a little red from your earlier crying, but they’re heavy and focused entirely on him. He's used to people flirting with him. Hell, he does it almost as readily as he breathes. But he isn't used to you flirting with him. That tentative way of yours makes him nervous. It’s nothing he’s used to. It feels too real. "I don't care what they think," he shrugs a shoulder, biting his lip to stop from smiling too broadly, "The real party's out here, anyway." You tilt your head, smiling up at him and his ears go warm. This is probably the fifth time he's talked to you and you've never smiled at him like that before.

“Deal.” You hold up your pinky to him, something so openly childish that he can’t help but laugh.

“Deal.” He locks his pinky with yours and you nod at each other before dropping your hands.

"You see that up there? Those tiny clusters of stars," he watches your finger draw a W between five stars, "are called Cassiopeia. And those five stars above it are called Cepheus. They were husband and wife, queen and king. Cassiopeia offended Poseidon by saying her daughter, Andromeda, was more beautiful than the sea nymphs—close friends of his. So he punished her by sending a flood and a sea monster that would destroy their country unless they sacrificed Andromeda." Finnick looks from the sky to the side of your face as you continue talking. He follows the line of your jaw up to your mouth and watches as your full lips form the words of your story. The moon is full, the sky is bright, and he's entranced by more than just the stars. “After they died, Zeus put them in the sky together because Cepheus was a descendant of one of Zeus's lovers. A little weird, honestly.” Your face scrunches up in a decidedly cute way at the thought. “Cepheus sits with his scepter, and Cassiopeia sits chained to her throne as a punishment by Poseidon. As if having to sacrifice her daughter wasn’t enough. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?"

“Yeah.” The yellow lights from inside blanket you from behind, while the moon’s white glare reflects in your eyes. “They are.” You catch him staring and look at him expectantly. You're starting to fidget and he realizes he’s been quiet for a concerning amount of time. “My friend…” he pauses and makes a quick decision, "my friend Mags, she calls that one the Turtle and the Fish. Eros was mischievous and vain, as most gods are. He wanted to show off to a sea nymph, so he made a turtle and a fish fall in love to prove his power transcended species. But fish don't live as long as turtles, and once its lover died, the turtle mourned for one hundred years at the bottom of the sea. Poseidon, who felt his subject's grief, put them together amongst the stars for all eternity." He turns to you and finds you staring at him. "What?" He asks with a laugh, embarrassed for whatever reason. "I know it’s pretty simple compared to yours, but—" He cuts himself off when you smile at him again. "No, I liked it." You nod at your own words like you're agreeing with yourself. "It was sweet. Your Poseidon is way nicer than mine. Maybe you can tell your friend one of my stories. To show her how different they are." You shrug like it's a dumb, throwaway idea, before turning away from him in a haste to look back up at the sky.

He doesn’t understand. How can you just offer something like that like it’s nothing? You clearly loved your father very much and he picked up on the past tense when you talked about him. These stories are quite personal to you and he had assumed you hadn’t wanted them to be shared, but…Maybe he will tell her.

“Oh. Good. I just—I’m not much of a storyteller, so…I might’ve completely butchered that.” He swears it sounds much better when he retells it to Mags.

“It was great, Finnick. You were great.” You pout up at him and it’s the most unfair shit Finnick’s ever seen. Made even worse by the fact that you’re defending him. To himself. “Can you tell me another one?” You ask guilelessly, and who is Finnick to say no?

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

Present (ii) - Finnick

[ 23 & 24] - District Four

"Mags: milk and cinnamon," Finnick places two tea cups before the two women, "And, Annie: a spoonful of honey." Mags smiles up at him in thanks as Annie takes a sip. He walks back to the kitchen to pour his own cup. It’s odd. He hadn’t always been a tea drinker. But now he practically puts on a new cup for every occasion, entirely your influence. He rests against the counter, letting it dig into his hip. It wouldn't be long before Snow announced the stipulations for the third Quarter Quell and Finnick can admit in the safety of his own mind that he's nervous. There were whispers among the Capitols and none of it painted a pretty picture. One of his clients informed him about a new Gamemaker, supposedly some kind of creative genius. He rolls his eyes at the thought. Yeah, he bets the guy is absolutely brilliant at torturing children. He drops five sugar cubes into the tea before grabbing a licorice root to stir it with. He joins them on the couch, staring at the sliced berries floating in his cup. There's something in the air. Word travels fast in close circles and it's no secret that there are more and more riots breaking out in the districts. Katniss and Peeta's win is still fresh on everyone's tongue. Snow has stayed quiet and with the Quarter Quell on the horizon, Finnick knows it—he can feel it in the atoms of his very being that it's going to end poorly. Or at the very least, worse than normal. What fresh hell will Snow come up with this time? Snow appears before a cheering crowd, foreboding even through the TV. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the seventy-fifth year of The Hunger Games. And it was written in the charter of The Games that every twenty-five years, there would be a Quarter Quell to keep fresh for each new generation the memory of those who died in the uprising against The Capitol." He places his cup on the table and leans forward, elbows on his knees. "Each Quarter Quell is distinguished by Games of a special significance. And now on this, the seventy-fifth anniversary of our defeat of the rebellion, we celebrate the third Quarter Quell," Mags grabs onto his arm, frail fingers gripping his wrist. He wonders if she can feel the pulsing of his rapid heartbeat, "as a reminder that even the strongest cannot overcome the power of The Capitol. On this, the third Quarter Quell Games the male and female Tributes are to be reaped from the existing pool of Victors in each district." Annie lets out a blood-curdling scream and it echoes past Finnick's ears. Her glass shatters on the ground and scalding tea splashes on his feet. He doesn't flinch. Normally, whenever Annie got like this, he would comfort her—talk her through it, but he can't move. The tributes will be reaped from the existing pool of victors and all of the victors of District Four are in this room. Mags’s physical state and Annie’s mental state guarantee one thing: regardless of who gets picked, they won't survive it. He'll be losing someone either way, and that's if he survives. If he survives, because Finnick is the only male victor for Four. There's no doubt, no one volunteering for him. He will be reaped and that, that was just— He rubs at his eyes with the base of his palms, fighting back a migraine. He makes a mental list: he'll be picked, Johanna and Blight will be picked, Chaff will be picked and— His hands move to pull at his roots. There are only two female victors in Eleven. There are only two, but Seeder loves you like she raised you herself. There's still hope, still a chance that you won't be picked, that she'll take your place if you're reaped. You'll be safe. And then, he remembers: Seeder is a mother, she's a wife. There are people that need her. He won't put it past Snow to rig the outcome for Eleven. He'll put Seeder's name in twice and pat himself on the back for seemingly ensuring your freedom. When, in reality, he's only ensured that you'll be in the arena.

Finnick knows this because he knows you. Better than he knows anyone, better than he knows himself. He knows that you're brave, that you're stubborn enough to put a cabezon to shame, that you're stupidly compassionate. He knows that you'll never be able to live with yourself if you don't volunteer in her place.

His head falls to the back of the couch. That's one thing he and Snow have in common, the only thing. Their love has damned you. Annie is mumbling to herself, having screamed herself hoarse at this point. But she keeps making jerking movements as if she wants to run. He steals a few breaths, taking a moment to gather himself—his fears, his hopes, his anger—he gathers it all and stores it away. "C'mon, Annie. Let's go outside for a walk." A stroll along the shoreline usually calms her down and he gets the allure. At least with the cooling breeze and the ocean mist from crashing waves, Finnick can close his eyes and pretend to be someone else. Someone unburdened with the fact that Snow was right, they are more similar than he'd like to admit. Because Seeder may have a family that relies on her, but Finnick can't find it in himself to care. He'd put her in the arena himself if it meant your safety. He stands, stepping around shards of glass and pools of cooling tea, pulling Annie up with him. He doesn't get far before Mags grabs his hand. She's worried, he can see it in her frown. She has every right to be. “I'm,” not fine, far from it, “right here, Mags. Don't worry about me.” He leaves behind Mags's concern and the sound of Caesar Flickerman's excited voice recounting Snow's speech. He pinches the skin between his thumb and index finger, pressing down until it hurts. Then he presses down until the muscle throbs. The sea breeze hits him in the face when he opens the door and he thinks. The boat is sinking and he can only swim for so long.

A/N: Side note, that was "stubborn enough to put a bull to shame" but I figured Finnick wouldn't know enough about bulls to know they're stubborn. So I picked the fish equivalent of a bull.

#the hunger games #hunger games catching fire #hunger games fanfiction #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair fanfic #finnick x reader #finnick odair #and they'd find us in a week

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beloved-calypso · 2 years ago

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・゜ ʚɞ ゜゜𝕳𝖔𝖜 𝖈𝖆𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖆𝖈𝖍𝖎𝖊𝖛𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖊𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖞? ♡ ・゜ ʚɞ ゜゜‎♡‧₊˚✧ ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა ✧˚₊‧♡

♡ “𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓈 𝓂𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝓈𝓉𝓎𝓁𝑒𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝓊𝓉𝓎 𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓋𝒾𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈. ~ 𝒮𝓉𝑒𝓃𝒹𝒽𝒶𝓁" ♡

All pictures and gifs are not mine but belong to their original artists.♡

I. -> II. -> III.

ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴘᴀᴄ ꜰᴏᴄᴜꜱᴇꜱ ᴏɴ ʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴄʜɪᴇᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴇꜱɪʀᴇᴅ ᴘʜʏꜱɪᴄᴀʟ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛʏ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇꜱ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛʏ ʀᴏᴜᴛɪɴᴇ. ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴀᴘᴘʟʏ ᴛʜᴇꜱᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏ ʀᴇᴀʟᴍꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴘʜʏꜱɪᴄᴀʟɪᴛʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ꜱᴛʀᴜɢɢʟɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ, ꜱᴜᴄʜ ᴀꜱ ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴡᴇɪɢʜᴛ, ᴅɪᴇᴛ, ꜰɪᴛɴᴇꜱꜱ, ꜱᴋɪɴ, ʜᴀɪʀ, ᴛᴇᴇᴛʜ, ᴇᴛᴄ. ♡ ɪ ᴀ�� ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ ɴᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ɪ ᴄʟᴀɪᴍ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍʏ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢꜱ ᴄᴀɴ ꜰɪx ᴡʜᴀᴛᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴘʜʏꜱɪᴄᴀʟ ᴀɪʟᴍᴇɴᴛꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ. ꜱᴇᴇᴋ ᴀ ᴘʀᴏꜰꜰᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴍᴇᴅɪᴄᴀʟ ᴘʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴛɪᴏɴᴇʀ ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ.

~ XOXO 💋🎀

P.S ✨️Remember to check the collective message AND the poll at the end!✨️

⊰᯽⊱┈───✧

౿૮꒰ྀི collective message◞꒱ა

This is what I channeled. To all my readers, please know that beauty is an INVESTMENT. You must treat it as such! Things like smooth skin and weight loss typically take months to achieve. Be wary of miracle cures, overnight subliminals, or trendy products (even if they are said to be scientifically backed up). I know with subliminals the whole point is to have unfaltering belief, but don't put so much pressure on yourself to where all the time you're listening to subliminals and overloading your brain with them. Everybody's body is different. Everybody's journey of expression is different. Remember that your body loves and supports you. It's the vessel for which we navigate through life and we only have 1 for this current lifetime. I would say with any beauty routine moderation is key (think of the Temperance card). These types of things take just as much mental strength as physical to keep up with, so it's good to treat them with simplicity, not just in consideration for what you physically can do, but what mentally you can handle. ♡

౿૮꒰ྀི pile 1 ๑◞꒱ა

9 wands (rx), 5 of wands (rx), The Lovers (rx), 9 of Swords (rx)

So this pac was supposed to focus on improving your external beauty, but apparently spirit is saying that you need to focus on what's going on internally. The major reason why you haven't achieved your desired beauty results is because you're burnt out. You've overloaded yourself with so much information and recommendations on how to achieve your desired results through the internet (video tutorials, how-to guides, beauty forums, subliminals, product reviews, etc.) that you think you should have had your results by now, and that it's a punishment from the universe that you are stuck in your "ugly duckling phase". This has led you to being perpetually frustrated, underconfident, and jealous of those that fit your beauty ideals. The truth of the matter as to why you haven't seen much results is that you try too hard and you lack the motivation to commit to any of these self-improvement tools. You may have researched so much that now you're confused and intimidated by all the information with some ideas and opinions even overlapping or contradicting thotherser. You may have tried multiple things at once and expected that to accelerate your results. You may also be the type to buy a bunch of recommended products in bulk and so far nothing has been working. Spirit is saying that your body itself is confused and cannot adjust to all these routines you keep trying out. It's like you go through aup-and-downwn cycle: you try one routine for 2-3 weeks and if it doesn't work, you leave it, go through an inactive wallowing stage for the next 2 weeks, and start over with a new routine. Your body cannot support these constant switch-ups and exposure to new chemicals (yes, even 100% natural ingredients). They're taxing your body and you're not giving it the chance to properly process what you've put in/on it. Your body and mind are also in conflict; it's like you've detached yourself from it out of anger and resentment. I have to say it: self-love is VERY much needed here. The Lovers in reverse just emphasizes that you need to compromise your wants and desires with what your body is physically capable of doing. Be patient and gentle with it. A few weeks is not enough time for many products/actions to take effect. When they do, the effects are usually internal first before they show in the external. Your body needs consistency and simplicity. Spirit is saying you only need a few products and to stick to a strict routine for a few months. Extensive routines will do more damage than good. Regarding forming your routines, you need to create solid habits. Your main obstacle is you are impatient. Given for most of you, it's probably been years that you've been working on your body and confidence, but a few months seem little in comparison to those many painstaking years of trial and error. Another obstacle here is you worry excessively and tend to assume the worst. By not caring for your mental and spiritual well beiyou'reyour psyching yourself out from doing the groundwork that's needed to solidify your imaginings into reality. Your moods heavily affect your motivation which is essential in moving your results forward. Know that success is destined for you! You just need to take the long road and to simplify the things carrying you along the journey.

⊰᯽⊱┈───── ✧

౿૮꒰ྀི pile 2 ๑◞꒱ა

9 of Swords, Page of Pentacles, 3 of Pentacles, The Devil (rx), 2 of Swords

Pile 2 you also need hug! I can tell you are overly anxious and stressed out. I think self love is very much needed here as well. In order for you to improve your beauty routine, you need to get out of your toxic headspace and have faith in your ideas. I can see that you suffer from periods of anxiety and isolation. Maybe you avoid going out as much because of your insecurities. You have very low confidence and don't have much faith in your future. I think the main problem stopping you from getting your desired beauty results is low self esteem and an obssessive mentality. You are self sabatoging yourself from taking action. It's like your stuck in a cycle of rumination. Your scared of having to commit to one thing and if that one thing doesn't work out you have to tear down all of what you've built and start over. The process of dissapointment is one you try your hardest to avoid by doing...nothing. Could also be that you do too much but feel you never do enough. Either way, your in your head a lot about what you can do and you don't know how to navigate the wealth of information that's out there, but you are scared on who and what to trust. I think in order for you to get your desires, you first need to ground yourself, start believing that change is possible and you are not stuck in your circumstances. Beauty is an investment, and it's not so much as what you put on that matters as much as how often you do it. Spirit is saying take the time to formulate a plan and stick with it, make sure every moving piece correlates well together. You may be young and fairly new to making routines like this. Take your time and have patience, it's not a race, but you should start making these plans for the longterm future. It can't be something that you quit right after seeing results, these will be things that you will need to give consistent care and attention towards, just so you know how to care for your body and recognize the signs it gives you moving forward. You also need to detach the results from your mind. You need to think clearly and objectively, let the changes come to you and don't try to force it, because I'm getting that some of you will stress so much that your body will have bad physical reactions, like migraines, rashes, breakouts, food cravings, and more. I'm also getting the message that for some of you, ya'll need to go to the doctor (nutritionist, dermatologist, gynecologist, whatever). Everyone needs to visit a doctor if they can, but ya'll especially. I think you would do well to go to professionals and get expert advice rather than trust unknown sources on the web. Some of ya'll maybe even need coaching, like a trainer or life coach. There's a lot of confusion and doubt in this pile. I think a clear, defined path is what you need, so do please be open to seeking help from others. I do think you've been working hard on the spiritual front to manifest your results, but you are constantly being disheartened. I think ya'll need to fix yourselves mentally first because its inhibiting your motivation. For some of you, you have even formed obsessive attachments to your appearance and do things to feel "right" or stable. It's giving me OCD. It's even giving me Cassie from Euphoria's excessive beauty routine (look it up). Like in the TV, it appeared as if she was doing all those things for Nate's attention, but really she did it because it was her way of grounding herself and feeling in control. I think ya'll have an issue with feeling in control and may be prone to acting out of impulse, like buying unnecessary things out of desperation or just simply overinvesting your time and energy in the wrong things. For the others, you lose steam and don't actually do the things you need to do. Be more wise with your money and where your putting it, as well as your energy. Try not to over exert yourself or comit to a bunch of things at once. Your time and energy is precious, and your mental wellbeing comes before all.

(I had a headache while doing this reading, so sorry for the confusion. That 2 of Swords energy was strong, lol)

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౿૮꒰ྀི pile 3 ๑◞꒱ა

5 of wands, Page of Wands, Ace of Wands (rx), Judgement, The Tower

Oof, all this fire energy Pile 3. So I do sense that ya'll have problems with taking on too much. You have a lot of insecurities you want to tackle, for example, skin, weight, hair, teeth, etc. and you are trying to "fix" all those things at once. Maybe you are around people that make you feel insecure and you're in this unspoken competition with them on who's prettier. There maybe even family members or friends that speak out on your appearance ( I'm so sorry if this resonates) and make you feel insecure and like you have to work on yourself. I think you've been stretching yourself thin, searching for ways to constantly improve all the while you are already trying your hardest, and instead of achieving your desired looks your heading towards a total burn out. The Tower here is telling me loud and clear, you need to slow down and take a deep breath before you crash. What other people's opinions of you don't matter. Like at all. What matters is how comfortable you are in your own skin, and what makes you feel authentic and beautiful. I don't think you are even insecure or underconfident, but rather nitpicky, and those around you are making you so. I see that you're intentions in your beauty routines are either not genuine or are unnecessary, and are forced and uncomfortable. You don't feel motivated enough to keep doing them but you still do it anyway. It maybe compulsive, but you are taking on so much at a time that it's building frustration within. What you need to do to improve your beauty routine and improve your mental health is to do a serious self evaluation. Check that you are doing these things for the right reason and not because of outside influences. Check on whether these things make you feel confident or are downsizing you. Check if your overall happiness and wellbeing is in order, whether you've spent too much money or have invested so much into your routines you've neglected other aspects of your life. I don't think what you've been doing has been necessarily bad, but it is somewhat obssessive and it will eventually backfire if you don't lessen the burden. I think you've once enjoyed doing all these things in your routine; they were fun and kept you on your toes, but now you've fallen out of love with the whole monotony of them. I think you should take a break from your beauty routine, maybe just do the bare minimum if you can't afford to drop everything. Focus on one focal point at a time, like skin and hair, or body and skin, and make sure your setting boundaries and prioritizing your mental and emotional wellbeing. I think your body is currently feeling overloaded with all that your putting in/on it. You may feel low energy and because your neglecting sleep or not staying hydrated. Make sure your also doing these bare basics and not just whats in your itinerary as they can greatly hinder your results if not catered too. Consider changing the direction of your journey or take a momentary break.

⊰᯽⊱┈─── ✧

Put in the comments down below if you would like me to make PACs focusing on specific bodily insecurities, like a pac for how to improve your skincare routine, how can I achieve my desired dream body, and how can I improve my physical health, stuff like that!

⊰᯽⊱┈───── ✧

ᴀɴʏ ᴄʀɪᴛɪᴄɪꜱᴍꜱ ᴏʀ ꜰᴇᴇᴅʙᴀᴄᴋ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇᴅ. ɪ'ᴍ ᴛᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴀ ɴᴇᴡ ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜɪꜱ ʙʟᴏɢ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴍ ᴏᴘᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏ ᴏᴘɪɴɪᴏɴꜱ ᴀꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ ɪᴍᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ. ♡

ᴅɪꜱᴄʟᴀɪᴍᴇʀ

© lolita-bonita — Please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost any of my work on other social media platforms without my permission. This is the only platform that I post this type of content. If you see my work being posted anywhere else, please kindly report them to me. ♡

⊱┈───── ✧

✨️ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ɴᴏᴛᴇ: Tarot is not an exact science, nor can it produce information that is factually true. All things posted are alleged and for entertainment purposes only. The future is fluid, and what may happen is based on your choices and actions, not what I and a deck of cards say. You are still the creator of your future. ✨️

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#pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile #pick a photo #tarot #tarot blr #tarot blog #tarot cards #tarot reader #free tarot readings #free tarot

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dulcewrites · 2 years ago

Text

Fool Me Once (part 6)

Pairing(s): Aemond Targaryen x reader (kind of lol), Aegon ii x reader, Rhaenyra x Alicent if you squint

Summary: You unlock new information as you descend for Dragonstone

A/N: sooo we are getting into the fun part (imo).. the character study and canon divergence! Just fair warning that this story is not going to go exactly like f&b or like the show. There will be elements taken from both. Can go ahead and let y’all know this will not be about who sits in the end, but more the chaos to get there. This also means different povs which is exciting. This chapter is sort of prepping everything for the next phase 😎

Fmo masterlist

“This seems like a convoluted plan, just for end goal for Aegon to be King,” Helaena sits in the middle of you chambers watching you pack.

“It is not about Aegon being king,” you reply, inspecting one your dresses. You scrunch you nose up and put it back in the closet. Perhaps it is best to stay away from green during your stay.

It may not be the story you told the Hand when he gave you the go ahead to leave. He thinks this whole plot is to lure Rhaenyra into a false sense of hope. Have her taste the thing she has wanted for so long before she fails miserably. This goes far beyond Aegon at this point. Him being king would just be a unexpected change. The rightful choice in the eyes of some. The crumbling of the realm in others.

“Upsetting the succession now could lead to upheaval,” Helaena does not seem to believe you.

“Do you really think I care about Rhaenyra’s reign when my kids are involved?”

It comes out more snappy than you intended. Helaena’s shoulders drop a bit. You know Helaena is just as protective over her kids as you are of yours. If there was a chance to strike the people who hurt them, she’d take the same shot. But, you know she is worried about what Aegon being king means for her family. You sigh and run your hand over your face. Putting down the clothes, you walk and sit next to her.

“We have given ourselves enough for this family and for the realm,” you whisper. “I am done with that.”

It sounds bratty, and selfish. You have given up so much, so has Helaena and Alicent, and yet you all are still expected to take things with a smile. Pretty, accommodating, and benevolent that you have the Targaryen name. Or in your case, that you can marry someone with that last name and everything that comes with it.

If you take the swing and miss, so be it. Sitting idle while those walk all over you has done nothing but put you and your children’s safety in danger. Your natural softness taken for weakness.

“And… Queen Helaena does not have bad ring to it,” you nudge her playfully, and she snorts in reply.

“Maybe Aemond will be king, and you’ll be queen,” it’s said in a teasing tone but then she grows a bit serious. “Aegon would probably give it up… if he got something in return.”

An uneasy feeling settles in the pit of your stomach. Neither of them are ready to rule, but then again who is. Aegon would make a charismatic, even forbearing king; he has a disarming way about him that would work in his favor. Though, his inability to check his emotions would get in the way. He goes by the sound of his heart, and whims of his desires. Aemond, your painfully pragmatic husband, would rule dogmatically. But his inability to emote or to be empathetic would make him volatile… maybe even cruel.

Then you have Rhaenyra, the Realm’s Delight. Even from when you were young, all you ever heard was how lovely she is. Never how smart or capable she is to rule; it always went back to her beauty and her fiery nature. You still do not know if that was her unfortunate lot in life because of her gender or rather no one can praise her readiness, because she simply is not. And her case is not helped in your eyes with someone like Daemon in her corner.

One thing they do share is an incompetent father, so any hopes for learning how it is done was quickly diminished. Sitting on the Iron Throne may not be something that can be taught. Viserys came after Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s long reign. A reign considered to be a successful one, and Viserys seemingly picked up nothing about being proactive.

You take a good look at Helaena. If it someone you will whole heartedly miss while away, it is your good sister. Helaena, who is everything good about the Targaryen name: warm, loyal, and untamed. But also kind, and way more analytical than people give her credit for. Helaena the Dreamer… Helaena the Great.

“We could make it so you could rule.”

She gives your proposition a scrunched up face, and laugher. Sharp and bright. You know she has no desire to rule, but you can not help but think she would be good at it.

“If that is the case, you have to rule with me,” she takes your hand with a soft smile.

You imagine a world where all the men have rode off to fight their war. The women left to rule over a piles of ash, tired small folk, and elusive nobility. Two queens - just you, Helaena, and the children.

What a life to live.

A knock on the door interrupts Aemond’s reading.

“Do not come in,” he does not even look up from the book. Despite his wishes, a head of short silvery hair pops in. “I said do not come in.”

Aegon pays his brother no mind, breezily waltzing into Aemond’s study. He sits in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk with a sigh, as if he was begrudgingly summoned. Aemond tries to go back to reading, but it is hard to when his brother is staring at him expectedly.

Large, expecting eyes boring into him. He hates how much he looks like their mother in certain lights.

“What,” he finally snaps, and Aegon just smiles softly. In that warm way that makes people feel like they can let their guard down. Aegon always had way of making people feel like they are in on the joke he about to tell. Aemond has learned not to fall for the smile; he’s been on the other side of the joke too much to trust it.

“Are you going to see your wife off,” Aegon keeps his tone even, not giving anything away. His voice lifting a bit when he says wife.

Aemond tries equally hard not to let his mask slip. “No, she said it would better to do that behind closed doors.”

Something about him sending you off would defeat the purpose of it looking like you are upset enough to leave. Aemond had felt his eye glaze over a bit when you were explaining everything. When he first lost his eye, he would get head-splitting headaches. He hated taking milk of the poppy for them. Criston would tell him to turn his brain off, try not to think of the pain.

He finds himself still doing it to this day. Whenever he feels that tingle in the back of head, he clears his mind. For someone who constantly has things racing through his mind, he has gotten surprisingly good at it.

He had felt a cool hand on his forehead. You have that look in your eye you had said, hand traveling towards his cheek. You do that to Daella and Alaric too. He does not know if it a mother thing, or just a you thing.

It broke him out of his self-inflicted daze, just like how Aegon’s humming interrupts his thoughts of you now.

“I suppose that is best,” Aegon leans back in the seat casually. Aemond just sighs, waiting for the next stone to turn. He knows his brother did not come just to ask that especially when he could have just asked you himself.

Aegon seems to be lit from within. As each day passes, his brother shifts into a different person. The difference makes it hard for anyone to be upset at the cause of Aegon’s new attitude. A happy Aegon is not something anyone should take for granted.

“Is that all,” Aemond would like to get out of this conversation with his headspace in tact. The disarming charm of Aegon is often followed by deep disappointment.

Even with Aegon’s new disposition, the two of them still cannot see things the same. The deeply hidden flickers of hope Aemond has for reconcilement between him and his brother leave his body slowly but surely. It is better that way. Hold no hope, and the let down never comes.

The mirth that radiates off Aegon switches quickly.

“I just hope it was all worth it in the end,” his tone is sharp, and cold. Aemond instinctively flitches as Aegon’s large eyes bore into him. He hates how much Aegon looks like their mother in certain lights. It feels like he’s being scolded by her.

“But then again, how could it be? You have been living a great love affair that turns out to be a farce,” Aemond’s eye twitches a bit. “It is something I have always loved about you, brother. You always do things with all your might. No half battles for you; even in your fuck ups.”

And he hates how deeply his brother makes him feel. Skin crawling childhood memories rush over him. If it is one thing Aemond hates, it is the feeling of being backed into a corner.

“No whore, and wife and children to descend away with our sister and her bastards.”

For a moment, Aemond thinks about lunging over the desk at Aegon. But he knows exerting strength over Aegon does nothing now, not the way it did many moons ago when Aemond had his growth spurt. Just another notch in the post of things that made the brothers resent each other.

That reason seems silly compared to the others.

He knows Aegon is not just doing this for you, he enjoys the taunting in the way only a brother would. The same way only siblings would worry and focus on what one has over the other. A childish mindset that neither of them grown out of unfortunately.

They will always measure themselves against each other. Aegon with Aemond’s relationship with their mother. Aemond watching Aegon squander and relinquish any want for power or duty that could be attached to his name. And now you.

The words crawl up Aemond’s throat, and itch his tongue. He wants to say it so badly, what he has been thinking about ever since a couple of nights ago.

“You never even wanted her till she was upset with me,” Aemond blurts. He sounds like child. How he did when he would go to Alicent, near tears, when he was younger.

When he was young, he dreamed for the day to be older, more reassured, not to feel so small. Now he is older, and free feeling he wanted still had not come. Sometimes Aemond has to pinch himself. On the arm, on his thigh, or even on the stomach; he must remind himself that he was not one and ten anymore. He is a man grown.

Some days the pinching works. Or he hears Alaric’s babbling in the room, and he brought back to reality. He is painfully grounded to the situation when he looks at his children. Other days, like today, he thinks of you and prays for the days when he was younger and his biggest worry was gaining a dragon.

A thought he never expected to have.

Occasionally, he wishes he were Helaena. His sister has expressed the grief that comes with her visions, but Aemond would gladly switch places. If it is one thing their foolish father was right about, it is that the power of dragons is nothing compared to the power of prophecy. A dragon cannot makeup for the pure magic that has been left behind. Alys taught him that as well.

He pinches himself extra hard at thought of her.

If he could master the magic of his ancestors, he could go back and change so many things. He wonders how much good he could do… or how much damage.

Aegon does not bother to give Aemond a rebuttal to that comment. Just lets the easy smile he had on before reappear on his face. He can tell by the look on Aemond’s face that he is unraveling. Aegon might gotten their mother’s face, but Aemond got her ability to be a prisoner to their own thoughts.

“We just better hope not a single hair on her head is harmed while she is there.”

Aegon gets up and leaves after that. They important part is left unsaid and implied. I’ll come after you if she gets hurt. This is your fault.

Aemond knows his brother will just be one person in a line of people who would want his head if this all blows up in your face. That is alright.

Perhaps the brothers do have one thing in common. If something does happen, he just might beat everyone to the punch on that one.

You had expected Otto to tell Alicent about you going to Dragonstone. But, the worried look she gave you when you mentioned it told you otherwise.

It affirmed to you that he was going to leave his daughter in the dark for as long as possible. You could not decipher if it was for her feelings and safety or because he knew Alicent would shut down any activity that could be seen as treasonous to Rhaenyra’s claim.

It took Rhaenyra, who Alicent had convinced to stay a few more days, telling her that it was Baela and Rhaena’s idea to calm Alicent’s anxious attitude. Reiterating that it would be nice to have you and Daella around to balance out the male energy at Dragonstone. The lie slid out of Rhaenyra’s mouth with ease. She had given you a knowing look.

You knew better than to think Rhaenyra would tell Alicent it was because of Aemond, the reason she believes, but the easy nature in which she deceives Alicent does make you sad.

The easy nature in which everyone deceives Alicent makes you sad. And now even you are not above that.

To get rid of that sick feeling in your stomach, you convince yourself Alicent knows better than to believe everything that comes out of Rhaenyra’s mouth. The same way you believe Rhaenyra knows better than to tell Alicent the whole truth. This is how their relationship is. Half truths and arguments. Pining and pushing. You can tell by the way they smile at one another that in the end it will always be them for each other; lies and all.

Sadism and Masochism in a different kind of way.

“The King and I will miss seeing the kids,” Alicent remarked.

You had to hold back a grimace. Daella and Jaehaera would often go and see their grandsire, at his behest. Hear him ramble on and on about whatever he could remember that day; often old histories. Daella has told you she hated it because he ‘smelled foul’. The statement had made Aegon cry with laughter.

Viserys had only seen Alaric twice since his birth. The first time you had to drag Aemond with you. Juggling two big babies that day.

You had watched Aemond bite back a sneer the entire time. Even Alicent made a face when Viserys mumbled something about Alaric already having a warrior spirit like his father. You supposed you cannot blame them for their apprehension. The jovial tone of his voice nothing like what Aemond heard growing up. It only leaves a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth.

You wanted to say Viserys’ delusions were illness driven, only getting worse with age. But he has always underestimated the damage he did with his kids. Viserys underestimates a lot of things.

The second time he saw Alaric, your sweet boy had decided to spit up all over the King. Then it was Aemond’s turn to laugh.

Viserys is so out of the loop. He seems to think your trip to Dragonstone was a testament to his grand showing for Rhaenyra. That his dinner speech moved you to the point of wanting to connect to the other of your husband’s family.

It is assumed that using Baela and Rhaena as a cover was not fully convincing to Alicent.

“Space can be a treasure at times,” Alicent whispered to you, squeezing your hand. “A new beginning once you get back.”

All you could do was hum in acknowledgment and try to smile. You cannot help but wonder how Alicent will respond if you get tangible proof that Rhaenyra had something to do with Alys. Would it ruin the move to reconciliation? Would it even matter by the time Rhaenyra is to take the throne?

If you cannot dwell too much; one foot in front of the other. The preparations to set sail with Rhaenyra were all prepped.

Your night was interrupted by a knock at the door. The knuckles on the door tapping to the tune of a Braavosi song you like. Aegon.

You have to bite back a smile. The two of you have not talked since the night of the dinner. It is a strange ordeal. Going from purposely ignoring each other’s existences to now a few days of not speaking feeling foreign. He sticks his head in with a sheepish look.

Men will always come back with their tails tucked between their legs when they think it is worth it

Your mother’s words playing your head. Instead of focusing Aegon, your mind drifts to Aemond. You know it is a point of contention for them, but it is hard not to compare them. Especially when they act so differently at times. To see Aemond grovel would be a sight. Perhaps he has before… just not for you.

He says nothing when he comes in, eyes fluttering over your pale blue night gown. You sigh, tying your robe around you. For all Aegon can be when he tries - sweet, observant, loyal to a fault. He’s still same boy in his bones; easily swayed by pretty things.

“Yes, Aegon?”

He still does not say anything, instead, he pulls a small box out of his pocket and hands it to you. Shy like a child trying to evade a scolding. You narrow your eyes at him, but still open the box.

Inside was dainty chain silver. Hanging from it was a bright yellow stone surrounded by pale pink ones. You shoulders slump. It’s beautiful, and entirely too much. Much like the man who is trying to give it to you.

“Is this your attempt at an apology,” you give a weak laugh.

“No,” he waves that notion off. “I am not going to apologize for vocalizing how bad of an idea I think this is. Though I know there is no stopping you once you set your mind to something.”

You know it would be hypocritical to judge Aegon and Aemond’s paranoia towards their older sister. She has not given them a reason to have faith in her. Neither has their uncle, who only seems to show up in moments of chaos. Those feelings are reciprocated by Rhaenyra and her family towards them.

“Think of it as more of a promise,” he walks towards to you, and the box suddenly feels like it weighs as much as a horse.

Chewing on the side of you cheek, you shake your head. “I cannot accept this Aegon. You are very kind but… I cannot.”

You never want to think the worst of people; even Aegon, who you have an admittedly rocky past with. It has never been your nature, till recently. Gifts leading to promises; promises leading to expectations you don’t know if you can handle. The affection of people in the Red Keep, especially the men, constantly wane.

It is hard not to blame your mother for how you feel right now. For every drop of wisdom she instilled in you, she left touches of fragility and fear. She made sure to reiterate the importance of having powerful people, specifically powerful men, in your corner but never explained what do to when the debt comes due.

It may not be what Aegon meant but these thoughts plague you often as loyalties shift. Even the most attentive, and helpful people want something in return. What happens when those expectations can not be met? Does the goodwill dry up?

Sensing your nerves, gently takes your wrist pulling you closer. “You are not alone in this. We are all here if you need to get out of there,” he pauses for a moment before cracking a smile. “Even Aemond would hop on Vhagar if something happened.”

You raise a brow, not knowing if this is him trying to cheer you up or if he genuinely believes it. You actually think the old beast probably likes you more than your husband most days. You hold back a shudder thinking about your first meeting with Vhagar. Beady eyes following you before huffing in approval. You remember the smell of sheep on her breath.

“She likes you!” Aemond seemed so happy she did.

Things were simpler back then. Mindless courting and no pain. You had fooled yourself into thinking everything would work itself out.

As if he heard you two speaking about him, the sounds of heavy boots echo through the halls.

As if a spell had been broken, Aegon lets go of your wrist giving you.

“Remember aim for the jugular or heart, and drive through.”

You laugh and roll your eyes. Criston had preached no mercy during their lessons, and it seems to be the only thing that stuck with Aegon.

Aemond interrupts you two by coming in, stopping in his tracks when he sees you both. He blinks blankly before sighing and going over to sit.

“Have fun with that,” Aegon whispers, before leaving.

You realize he never takes back the necklace. Think of it as a promise. He never told you what that promise was.

———

When Aemond was young, he over heard his grandsire speaking to his mother about him.

“You coddle him too much Alicent,” his voice gravely. “He is never going to grow up hiding beneath your skirts. It’s probably why he had not gained a dragon yet.”

She just stood and took it because that is what his mother always does when it comes to her father, or with Viserys. She had learned the art of taking everything and internalizing it. And then she wonders why he children do the same.

Aemond is master of it. He adds to the list of things he has grown quite good at. Along with his training with the sword, and his ability to retain things he learned through reading. Showing any emotion has only failed him over the years.

The only time he finds reprieve is at night.

The dreams tend to be the same each night. You standing over him, Dark Sister in hand, and unbridled hatred in your eyes. Aemond cannot call them nightmares in good faith; he finds them too entertaining for that. He does not know how you got the sword, but that is just another exciting part about the dreams. His mother did always say he had a morbid sense of humor.

The image of you having blade to him breaks up the monotony of life. In fact, he is sure he likes dream you more than the one he sees everyday. Dream you lacks the shiny luster that the real you carries. There is something so unapologetic about the look of disgust on your face. Some nights you slit his throat, quick and to the point. A merciful kill. Other times you take his other eye. The chambers ablaze; he sees and feels the heat before everything goes dark.

“Aemond, are you listening to me,” you sigh, breaking him out of his thoughts.

All he can do is look at you. You look ethereal, back lit by the fires throughout the room. Unwavering stares is all he can give you these days. In the early days of your marriage, you used to look away when the looks were to much. Now, you just stare back; eyes tired yet soft. Perhaps it is the inability for you harden yourself that makes the dreams so welcomed. He selfishly wants you to debase yourself the way he has. Aemond knows it is in there, but you are too smart to let it show in that way.

Maybe you will come back from Dragonstone, with untamed loathing in your heart, and Dark Sister attached to you. The spirits of the mad Targaryens that roam Dragonstone compelling you to snap. The dream you and the real one will merge into something terrifyingly beautiful.

What a way that would be to go.… in fire and blood.

The departure from King’s Landing went as smoothly as you could hope. Alicent and Helaena saw you off with sad smiles. The ship pulled off, and it felt like a momentary breath of relief. Sometimes you felt locked away in the King’s Landing

“Quite watchful, is she not,” Rhaenyra laughed. At first you thought she was speaking about Alicent. You turned towards the Red Keep to see Vhagar flying a comfortable distance behind. “She will turn back, right?”

You nod perplexed, watching as Daella waves at Vhagar.

You think back to laughing when Aemond asked if Daella would miss him, and she replied with a shrug and reminded him to feed Vhagar extra sheep while she is away. His sour disposition melts when she gives him a kiss on the cheek before she sprinted to say goodbye to her cousins. You try not to shift awkwardly when he kisses you on the cheek and tells you to be safe.

Eventually Vhagar does turn back, after circling the ship a couple of times.

You go to put Alaric down for a nap in one of the bottom room. When you first had him, his silence used to worry you. Often you found yourself leaning over his cot to see if he was still breathing. He sleeps like the dead, and stares as if he knows something you do not. The stare would be slightly menacing if it was not attached to such a cute face.

Ser Quinton comes in, and quietly closes the door. He looks as uneasy as you feel. He seems to share the same skepticism everyone has about this little getaway.

“You were right about Jayne,” his voice is low as he sits on the bed next to you. “She about the tunnels. Said she was a disciple of someone named Mysaria.”

The name is so familiar but you can’t put your finger on it.

“How did you find that out?”

“Do you really want to know that,” he grimaces. The last time you saw Jayne, Quinton had lied to her and said the Queen wanted to see her. You are sure she went to the dungeons, where all the people who are accused of treason go. Your heart feels heavy at the thought of her being tortured.

It was a hard pill swallow. Jayne had been with you since Daella was born. How long had she been watching you for?

“I need you to promise me something,” you whisper to him. “If anything were to happen, I need make sure the kids are you first priority. Their safety is of the upmost importance… even if it means leaving me behind.”

Quinton frown deeply. “I am your protector, I would n-“

“And as my protector, I am asking you do this for me. Think of everything you feel for me, and do this please.”

You squeeze his arm. After a moment of silence, he nods solemnly.

You know when you have reached Dragonstone because smell is like nothing you have encountered before. Putrid almost. You thought the Red Keep was as somber as a place could get; you were terribly wrong.

The bright look that crosses Rhaenyra’s face makes you jealous. You often envious of the way the Targaryens around you moved. Viserys, despite being the king, had little care for things that did not benefit him. Aemond saunters into rooms like he owns it, Aegon followed his own rules to a fault. Rhaenyra seems to revel in the privilege that came with her name. Even Helaena had came into her own, embracing the things people see as odd.

You felt like your good was not good enough, but you think of what your father would tell you when you were young.

The best people are often underestimated, use that to your advantage.

And use it you will.

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