#lot to me since i'm still recovering technically

[leonmorinpriest]

As someone who's suffered from depression for more than a decade and is finally feeling somewhat normal, I can definitely say medication took a huge part in my recovery. Not to say it's for everyone but for ME it worked. However, it also came with therapy that helped.

Obviously thinking positively, working out, etc. the cliche things I've heard from people has never helped me. And this is probably another cliche thing but it genuinely does make all the difference to reframe thoughts in a more advantage lenient way.

I remember i'd use to look at some situations and their negatives at first but then I just kept trying to see the bright side. I added this onto also realizing how sick I was of feeling so negative with everything and thinking about all the time I wasted.

The point of this post isn't to preach some "solution". Depression is really all consuming and it's not easy to dig yourself out of it ..it took me about 10+ years to actually be like "wow I feel like a regular human being" but I guess what I mean to say is trying to find the tiniest things that make you happy can really be a lot more impactful..

[lylahammar]

People always talk about how Laios is a character who gives fat vibes even if he isn't technically fat in canon which is very true, and I have some thoughts on that!! (this will be a long post lol sorry)

There's a lot of material in the dunmeshi extras that show how fatness factors into dungeon exploration, which shows that only the most skilled adventurers are able to keep weight on while in the dungeon (thank you to @savaralyn2 for the translations! links to the individual posts these panels come from are added on the pics):

So we know, at the very least, that most of the characters are kept thinner than they would be naturally through the strain of death/revivification in the main dungeon. We also see that Laios has some fat on him, which through the text means that he's skilled enough to at least keep some of his weight (which makes sense, he doesn't die very often in canon).

(to be clear this ^ doesn't constitute as "fat," he is built as fuck here he just has some fat on his body which shows his prowess as a fighter in this universe) HOWEVER my personal little pet theory/headcanon is that Laios actually has a difficult relationship with food! I know that doesn't make much sense at first since he's shown to eat a lot in canon, but hear me out. In pre-canon, before he reunited with Falin, he's shown to be extremely gaunt:

But after partnering up with Falin, he gains weight and looks much more healthy very quickly. Part of this is definitely because of his unstable living situation/mental illness, but he and Falin still live in very poor conditions after this and he still manages to gain weight/get healthier, so I believe it's mainly due to her making sure he eats enough. We also know that Laios is. most certainly autistic. Nobody argue with me on that it's like pretty much widely accepted as canon for a lot of reasons lmao. So my theory is that he's actually food sensitive. He's shown to not really care about food that isn't monster-related. Even when he eats regular food, he's usually imagining it being a monster instead.

He has never eaten squid before, which is totally normal, but could also support my theory in a way :P it being a monster still can't save it from the autistic sensory bad experience in this case, though.

So I think that his adventurous eating during the course of the story isn't because he's actually an adventurous eater normally, it's purely because of his special interest (monsters, duh). During his journey to recover Falin, he's able to build up a healthier relationship with food through Senshi's guidance and the involvement of his special interest.

By the end of the story, after he's retired from dungeon exploration and living in comfort/safety, and with his newly healthy diet, he's finally able to gain a lot more weight. Imo, his is a story of someone who's naturally meant to be fat, but is only able to reach that point when in a stable and healthy environment.

(for the record I know he's not that fat in this post canon comic, but this is only a year and a bit after the end of the story so there's still time lol)

alright I'm goin back to drawing now just had to infodump for a minute ✌️ keep it sleazy

[angelpuns]

50Au Part 11

“FUCKING! I CAN’T BELIEVE- I'M GONNA KILL HIM WHEN WE GET OUT IF HERE!” Donnie growled, summoning some sort of definitely-too-big-for-the-lair-gun. 

Raph wasn't always the most cautious before, but even he knew that wasn't a good idea. 

“Dee, put that thing away! You're gonna blow the whole lair to smithereens!” He grabbed the back of Donnie's shell like he was a kitten, Donnie hissing and clawing in a much less cute way than a kitten would. 

“PUT ME DOWN RAPH I'M GONNA KILL THAT BLUE BASTARD!” 

“HEY!” 

Donnie stopped struggling so much when Raph raised his voice, which Raph tried not to think too hard about. It made a lump of guilty claw its way up his throat, but Raph cleared it away and put on his ‘ Big Brother Voice’. 

“ Look, I'm pissed at him too, but we can't go bustin' outta here willy-nilly and bust up the lair, ‘kay?” He gave Donnie a look, the softshell grimacing and reluctantly putting the gun away, “ You worked too damn hard sprucin’ this place up and makin’ it home again to just blast it to pieces. Now-”

He set Donnie back down and cracked his knuckles, “ watch your big brother do his thing”

Raph grabbed two of the bars and began to pull. He admittedly wasn't as strong as he used to be, but in his defense he'd been recovering from a lot of shit, so give him a break. 

Still, it shouldn't have been this much of a strain. Where the hell did Leo find this thing!?

“ Not to be a pessimist, Raph, but I don't think its working,” Mikey muttered, leaning over his shoulder to examine the bars, “where did he even get this? There's no way we had it lying around the lair, right?” 

Raph let out a grumble, “c’mon…Raph…Raph can bend ‘em easy,” 

He strained and pulled against the bars, but they were just a little too tough for him. 

There was a ker-chunk and a click and Raph thought maybe he had done it- until he turned and saw that Donnie had summoned some sort of saw tool. 

“ Close your eyes, gentleman. I didn't bring extra safety goggles,” Was the only warning they got before Donnie flicked his goggles down over his eyes and began cutting into the metal. 

It surprisingly worked. Raph looked down at his hands, scarred and rough from both injury and fighting. Damn. Maybe he really was gettin’ weaker. 

It took nearly an hour, but Donnie managed to cut a hole big enough for them to squeeze through. And thankfully none of them ended up getting scratched, cause that was a one way ticket to a tetanus shot. 

“ I was startin' to think that metal was too strong to break,” Raph admitted, chuckling a bit to try and tame the unease he felt. The lingering worry of him becoming weak was like a stone in his stomach, weighing the moment down despite it being s victory. 

“ Well, it was mystic,” Donnie started for the lab, Mikey following behind him and asking what the new, new plan was. Since they had technically had,like, four plans fail now. 

Raph breathed out a momentary sigh of relief. Mystic. Of course. So he wasn't becoming useless after all. 

He followed Donnie and Mikey unto the lab to hear the new, new plan, Donnie already rambling about a hundred miles a minute and cursing Leo out every few words. 

Raph, while he was definitely worried out of his mind, found that he too wanted to grab Leo and shake him til he understood what was going on. 

But of course, he wasn't gonna do that. He'd be happy just to see his face at this point. 

----

Wanted to write a fun silly part. Yes they have issues but also...whimsy.

I think this randomly writing and posting without editing and it being super super unofficial as an au is good for me probably. Let's me fuck around cause there's no stakes for me emotionally. Unless we start to like it too much then I'll probably take it too seriously like I end up doing for everything

Also the only part I have a solid idea for I can't even write yet cause I accidentally made too much lead up and I gotta finish out this first section smfh. I wanna write that part so bad but because this is so spontaneous/unplanned idk what's gonna happen between now and that plot point so :/

Part 1 | Part 10 | Part 11

[callahanisms]

for me...formidable

i'm going to commit to the bit and make this a real thing. because i like the idea of tashi getting her fellow tennis player back in the game.

this will also be another time where i'm specifying reader's gender. so a female reader. and they're the same age as tashi.

unfortunately did i technically make covid canon in the universe? yes. yes i did.

pairing: tashi duncan x fem! reader

context: 2019 (briefly), late 2020 - 2021

"are you just going to keep eyefucking your husband? or...?"

you turn your head back to look at her. "sorry." you feel the phantom feeling of pain shooting up your leg and your fingers go to scratch at the scar on your leg.

tashi glances over. your husband and hers. playing tennis in the country club. she can overhear the conversation from them. come on art! do it! beat me!

"and how are your kids?"

"they're fine. doing well in school. having fun at sleepaway camp. it's just me in the house. feels unnatural." your stomach churns at the thought of your kids.

that's not to say you didn't love them. you loved your triplets. but your triplets reminded you that you could have had a different path. you could've had them later after you won the coveted venus rosewater dish. to finish your collection of trophies on the shelf. to finish a grand slam career title.

you feared you had aged out of the sport. and that there was no chance for you. a comeback was out of your league.

"he still keeps you at home?"

"yeah. even though i saved his career." you take a sip of your virgin strawberry daquiri. "that whole speech, the whole rebrand idea...was me. it was my idea."

"he's been keeping you locked up since college. so i'm not surprised." tashi's fingers tap on the table as she looks out at the men playing tennis.

"locked up since i got my injury." you scoff. "hate it. i hate seeing that empty space on the shelf. there's enough room for another trophy. for wimbledon." you sniffle. you blink back the tears. your husband always scolded you for getting emotional about it.

"you healed. you recovered well." tashi cocks her head to the side, and she pushes her sunglasses up so they rest atop her head. "why aren't you playing?"

"dan says...some shit about not wanting me to get hurt again. it's real bullshit."

"yeah. it is. you should play."

you raise your eyebrows, looking at tashi. "tashi."

"what? you can do it. you're still young."

"i'm 31. i don't...i don't want to be one of those players that comes back way past their prime. besides, i wouldn't even know where to start-"

"i can coach you."

you nearly spat out your drink. you swallow it down and ignore how cold it is, how it painfully travels down your system. "huh!"

"i can coach you. feel like you're...a lot easier to work with than some other people." tashi leans back in her seat. you were always receptive to her advice and criticism back at stanford. you always took things to heart because you strived for perfection and for pushing yourself.

and secretly, tashi wanted to piss off your husband. she's always hated dan.

you purse your lips. "tashi i...no. don't. you don't need to!"

"art wants to retire. after he tries for the u.s. open. win or lose. he wants to retire. i need someone new. and i think you deserve a second chance."

"that's...that's if i can even play the same. i'm old! my body is...completely different from when we were in college. i have three kids-"

"dan can watch the kids, for once. just...you don't even have to tell me now. you can think about it. if you want to play but not go with me, that's fine too. i would just hate to see a stranger try to say what you should and shouldn't do."

after all, you deserve to be cared for by the woman who knows you the best.

lockdown was a time where you really sat and thought about your tennis career.

you were tired of just taking care of the kids all day, of being locked in with them all the time.

and what you hated the most was that empty space on your shelf, staring at it all day, every day. you hated it when your husband showed it off on facetime to his friends. he almost bragged about the fact that there was a missing trophy, that you were missing a grand slam.

about two months into lockdown, you text tashi.

– let's do this – comeback of the century, right? – and i want you on board

"art's excited for you."

"is he?" you look at her as she's writing something on the legal pad. she always enjoyed the feeling of the paper. she was writing with a pen you had bought her. it was from a stationary store and the kind that had a tiny tennis ball and tennis racquet attached to the clicker.

"i think he's just happy to...relax." she looks up, watching the way your body was being stretched by the trainer. "you're a little bit older. and you have some clotting issues since giving birth. i can get in touch with some people to help craft a suit that will help."

"tashi, don't you think we're doing too much?"

"we aren't. you're older. and your body is obviously different from art's. for one, you literally made and carried three kids. we just need to get you the right equipment, get your body back into shape, and train you up."

the look of hesitation does not go unnoticed. "we can stop at any time-"

"no. i want that dish." you say it through gritted teeth. "i'm going to fucking get it."

tashi feels her lips curl into a satisfied smile. "hell yes we are."

"i registered you for a tournament. they're starting to open things back up." tashi lightly hits the ball and watches the way your legs move with precision. you hit the ball and it knocks over the cone all the way to your left. "you're basically a whole new player. some people might remember you, some won't. so we're leaning towards a new public image." she hits another ball.

you hit it and knock over the final cone.

"what does dan think about all this?" she asks.

you shake your head, wiping the sweat off of your forehead. "i'm divorcing dan."

tashi raises her eyebrows. "oh. is everything okay?"

"everything is fine. i...just hated him. don't hate the kids. they're sweethearts. and he's wasn't around enough for them to really grow attached to him. i...i was trying to work things out when he swooped in like a hawk and shoved that ring on my finger." you loved not being able to wear it. "i finally worked those things out."

"good for you. you deserve better."

like her.

but tashi would never say that out loud.

charleston. the perfect opportunity for a comeback.

you've faced worse. you had to remind yourself of that. the charleston open was not as serious as the other tournaments of the past. your hands were cold and frigid beneath the air conditioning. and they were growing numb.

"hey. hey. you're going to do great."

tashi's hands are warm. they cup your face, making you look at her and deep into her brown eyes.

she's always so warm.

"i can't feel my fingers." you mutter.

"here." she moves her hands to take yours, pressing them flat together between her own. "warm enough?"

"i can...feel it coming back."

tashi watches the way your eyes look all over the place, how they take in the crevices of the wall. you were always an observant person. you always liked looking at the walls of the locker room.

the catsuit looked really good on you too.

"what if...this is all a mistake..." you mumble.

"then it would be a waste of hard work and materials." she doesn't mean to sound cold. "and technically, you would have divorced dan for no reason."

you finally look at her. her eyes are soft. and you understand. she sees another shot within you. the same kind of shot she saw within art.

"yeah. i guess." there's the remnant of a laugh leaving you.

tashi leans forward. her lips are soft. and she tastes like prosecco. her perfume is warm with spices.

you kiss her back, leaning towards her, leaning into her. it feels right. kissing her feels right. just like that one time you two kissed in the showers at stanford.

tashi pulls away. she feels your hands. your hands were warm. hers were a little cold now.

"decimate that bitch."

[susandsnell]

hey coco! hope ur having a good day! was wondering if u’d like to talk about why u like and what u find compelling with atton/exile? do u have a particular route or headcanon underwhich u prefer them or is it more of an overarching meta appreciation?

Hi, friend!

Thanks so much for the well-wishes. My day's kind of ehh due to continued Issues but the weather's nice and I'm feeling a little calmer. Hope your day is good!

Thank you so much for sending me this and enabling me shamelessly. I've been ride-or-die for Atton/Exile (which is M/F if you played the Jedi Exile as female, which I did and which is 'canon' but let's not talk about the latter lest we kick the hornet's nest) since summer 2011, which is almost 13 years now? Wild. Literally half my life. Anyhow, my reasons/headcanons have changed and evolved just as I've done a lot of growing up since the time I was first obsessed, but I'll do my best to synthesize/organize my thoughts! (Assume all the Restored Content is canon). More under the cut because 'synthesis' is still essay-length for me, God help me.

First off, I tended to play the Jedi Exile as light-sided and Revan as dark sided; I find the narrative of both games to be the most meaningful with these choices. This post basically puts into words why Revan works better as a Dark Sider, but the Exile, to me, as Revan's foil and mirror, works inversely best as a light sider. The game seems to want you to play her light-sided given how Kreia's best stuff/approval lies in that path. KOTOR II is one of the darkest entries to the Star Wars universe by far, but with a light sided exile, it's a story about how moving through life with an unyielding belief in love and justice for others in your heart will ignite that light in the people around you, and repair a broken world/galaxy.

Enter Atton.

KOTOR II is great in that you technically have such a wide range of shipping dynamics/options, and exactly none of them are functional, largely because it's one of the Star Wars media entries with the most harrowingly realistic depictions of war and its psychological impact on the people it touches. Atton Rand happened to be my favourite of all the love interests at the time because of his voice and his snarky meta-jokes (I was a Daria fanatic almost 2 decades too late, what do you want). Nowadays, I love him because his character basically took the Star Wars expanded universe requirement for Han Solo expys and went off the rails with it, making his 'scoundrel' archetype half-his charming and humorous personality, half-a facade to cover severe and quite realistically portrayed war PTSD as well as his actions as Jaq, the torture-happy mercenary. It's "what if the self-serving charming rogue during wartime archetype was brought to its logical conclusion" and I am here for it.

So first you have the parallels and contrasts - both committed atrocities during the Mandalorian wars, but while Atton was loyal to Revan after their fall and never faced justice for his wrongdoings, the (light-sided) Exile turned from Revan and still was scapegoated by the Council. Atton is a character mired in his own bitterness and cynicism, and you have the option to choose to play the Exile as a character driven solely by her morals, even when she'll suffer unconscionably for them, and it is through this unflinching clinging to her morals that she gains the idealism necessary to survive everything she goes through. Atton once sought to rip freewill away from his victims; the Exile unconsciously, slowly saps it through the cipher.

As a young teen, I admittedly was starry-eyed over the 'sheltered good girl manipulated and hurt by so many meets sexy bad boy recovering from his own past and they protect each other as a power couple' archetyping, but it does go a lot deeper than that. Their dialogue options have easy, natural, sexy chemistry that draws you in, but I do think my appreciation goes deeper. This isn't a simple 'fixing the bad boy' because of the narrative device of the Force cipher meaning you quite literally have "I can fix him" and "I can make him worse" as your game mechanics, lol. You get your surface-level fun of their interactions between the proper, well-mannered Jedi and the flirtatious rapscallion, but you also have two people who, for the reasons I outlined above, fundamentally understand each other after harrowing lifetimes spent alone in their pain and trauma.

I'd go so far as to say Atton is the best-placed of anyone to understand the Exile; the Sion ship is compelling and squee-worthy to any Phantom fangirl worth her salt (as I was), but she's everything he couldn't be or fathom, Visas may have felt closer to the pain the Exile did over Malachor V but her worst actions were committed under duress as a captive of Darth Nihilus and not of her own volition (so I argue she's a lot more morally innocent than Atton or the Exile), Mical/The Disciple is the innocence and warmth of the Exile's upbringing untouched by how the Mando wars reforged her and while Brianna/The Handmaiden is excellent as a potential parallel for specifically the Exile's abuse at the hands of the Jedi (Atris in particular), she's still similarly sheltered to Mical. Bao-Dur was with the Exile during the war but the game didn't develop him enough and understands that aspect of her, but they canonically per the dialogue emotionally distanced themselves given the circumstances, and Mira the Bounty Hunter is cool sister-zoned, but I suspect her family being victim to Malachor V would drive a wedge no matter how much forgiveness the game preaches.

Meanwhile, Atton knows and/or loves not pieces of the Exile, but as she is; the battered and betrayed veteran with a lifetime of wrongdoing to atone for that he recognizes in himself, and the naive Jedi she was before that the charming flirt in him likes to tease. And although his backstory is a revelation, and a harrowing one to the Exile, who sees what she might have become had she stayed with Revan, this is what their relationship is; seeing someone in their totality, and loving and honouring the worst with the best. Despite knowing what the Exile's done, Atton values her enough to still care about how she views him that he begs Kreia not to tell her the truth about his past. The two are instantly drawn to each other on Peragus, not just out of necessity but genuine, instinctive protectiveness, attraction, and a deeper sense (be it Force-Assisted or not) of understanding. Atton refers to it in his death scene (if you count that) as love at first sight, and while there was probably initial infatuation, I think there was just such an instant magnetism that grew and grew between them through shared experience. "Don't give up on me now, dammit!" and "You want her, you get through me." come to mind. Atton is the only party member that asks her to train him in the Force, whereas she has to prompt and convince the others into their awakening. He's deeply scarred by his experiences with the Force, not to mention it's actively dangerous to train as a Jedi due to the Exchange, but he's willing to face that for the Exile - he tells her that part of why he wants to train as a Jedi is to be better able to protect and fight for her. One of the first things he does is teach her to play Pazaak in her head to prevent from psychic attacks through the Force/harm through Kreia's force bond - the exact weapon he wielded against others. The tragedy of any Jedi Exile ship is the constant insecurity created by the force-wound/cipher; how much of anyone's choice to follow in their footsteps or love them is their own free will? What power dynamics, unspoken or obvious, arise from it? But Atton's fierce independence and selfishness almost serves as the clearest answer to this. He willingly reawakens himself to the Force to connect with her, to be better able to fight for her. He chose her, a thousand times over, and whatever role the Force Wound plays, he accepts her influence out of admiration for that steadfast-to-a-fault morality I talked about before.

This isn't some corny gender essentialist "she is his redemption" nonsense either, although redemption is a major theme of a light-sided KOTOR 2; by training Atton and others as a Jedi, the Exile is actively doing the work to heal the galaxy she helped to break. By protecting and teaching and bonding with the Exile, Atton is regaining his own humanity through recognizing hers, over and over, the way he failed to recognize those of his victims. They're together in this, in their recovery, in how they've experienced all extremes of morality. Love, in this story, isn't about fixing someone or breaking them, it's about meeting them where they are and walking alongside them, hopefully to someplace better than where you were when you both met. Is it any wonder that he's the one she walks away with in the end? (As if he'd let her walk alone ever again.)

With all this being said, and to address your question, while the route/headcanon preferences I prefer for Atton/Exile create, I think, the richest narrative with what's there, I've definitely got an overarching meta appreciation for them too. I spent my teen years eagerly eating up every possible iteration of them as a couple, and much of what I described above can hold true in a different aspect if people prefer to play them dark-sided, if people hold the tragic dying in your arms ending as canon, and so forth. They're compelling any way you slice them.

[chickenkurage]

CHAPTER 4 OF ATG IS HERE AND OH MY GOSH.... WHAT- NO.... NO NO NO NO NO NONOONOOONOBOOBOBO OH MY GOSH DJ AND ALAN IN THIS.....

FIRST OF ALL DJ WAS ACTUALLY WILLING TO HELP ALAN WITH HIS WEAPON BY GETTING A LOT OF MISSING PIECES FOR IT, BUT ONE TIME ENDS UP GETTING SHOT BY SOMEONE IS SOMETHING I ACTUALLY NEVER EXPECTED THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO HIM- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOSH.... YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH VICTIM AND DARK BOUNDING!!! LOOK AT THEM GO!!! ALSO A STATUE OF A CURSOR THAT RESEMBLES NOOGAI IS HONESTLY REALLY INTERESTING TO KNOW ABOUT!!! ALSO DARK IS GETTING INTO THE NOOGAI SITUATION BY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! I THINK THOUGH BUT I WONDER IF THEY BOTH WILL LOOK THROUGH SOME BOOKS AND FIND ANYTHING ABOUT NOOGAI!!! MY FRICKING HEART.... NO..... OH GOSH NO, EVEN IF ALAN HELPED DJ RECOVER FROM THAT SHOT, HE STILL HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY "DJ... you're worthless".... THAT EXPLAINS THE TAG OF DJ HAVING SELF ESTEEM ISSUES OH GOSH- THOSE WORDS DEFINITELY HIT HIM WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH, IT LOOKS LIKE HE'LL NEVER LET IT GO PROBABLY, EVEN IF HE TRIES TO HIDE IT IF HE WOULD, ALAN THAT'S YOUR GOSH DARN BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST BROTHER YOU'LL EVER HAVE, GOSH I'M GETTING A LOT OF EMOTIONS.... THE FLASHBACK OF THESE TWO TALKING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT GODS IRL WHILE THERE ISN'T ANY IN THE OUTERNET, BUT OH MY GOSH THEIR FRIENDSHIP IN THE PAST LIKE.... THEY LOOKED SO HAPPY OH MY GOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT ALL WENT SO WRONG.... AND DJ PRAYING FOR HIS BEST FRIEND BACK, EVEN IF HIS HEART LUCKILY DIDN'T GET SHOT, IT FELT LIKE IT DID BY FEELING LIKE IT WAS SHATTERED BY THOSE WORDS.....

*INHALES* MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMGEY!!! YOU ARE DOING A LOT ON ME WITH THIS AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- DJ WHERE ARE YOU EVEN AT RNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-

Chapter 4's new name "Doomed Friendship" DJ would always help Alan, and we know that, Alan is his best buddy, and he would definitely follow Alan even to the end of the world. And if making that weapon makes Alan "himself" again? DJ would do it a million times, just so Alan would have that spark back again :''), and the fact he did get shot trying to get the parts for the weapon just, makes it worst.

Victim and Dark bonding are really adorable, they really have that older brother and younger brother energy XDD. I mean, we can understand Dark. How uncanny and scary it is for a stick to "easily" use humans as his tools. How technically, Alan has so much power in his hands. He could start wars, imagine if he gets his hand on a world leader and start another world war. That's just terrifying honestly. That weapon they created, is a damn good one, Alan is basically a god at this point. And that thought just terrifies Dark.

Alan telling DJ was worthless.... that was painful, DJ wears his heart on his sleeve. And for someone he cares about, his best buddy, his brother, not by blood but he loves so much, tells him he is basically worthless...... That broke him.

And the religion and gods talk between the two of them when they were younger, and how DJ admits that he would believe in god, as long as "that" god gives him strength, and that god can be someone that he can ask help from when in need. And the fact Alan is the so called "god" in this, that's basically the opposite of what DJ wanted from a god. But the fact he would still search for his "god" even if that god doesn't want him...anymore.

And honestly, they were really happy, they USED to be happy :''). This may be really a doomed friendship from the start after all.

We all know, that's the day DJ heart broke. Heartbreak isn't real, but let's admit it. DJ would prefer getting shot in the heart than hear his "best friend" tell him he isn't no longer needed and useless.

DJ will appear more frequently.... since well...he's the real MC of this AU xPP hehe! Prepare for more angst to come, and DJ getting hurt. Maybe ATG DJ was actually the real counterpart of CS Alan after all ;) - S

[vacantgodling]

17 for the ask game!!

THANK YOU <3<3

-> Send me a number 1-100 and I will tell you how that song relates to a character or WIP of mine.

17. マトリョシカ — hachi

LMAO idk if anyone is gonna remember this wip bc i talked about it so randomly and so briefly awhile back but these (and most vocaloid songs in general that are my faves which is a lot of stuff by hachi lol) make me think of my wip broken clouds. its similar to train master chidori in the sense that it's should be a webcomic or a web novel type of thing but gl getting me to draw that much--i will one day prommy.

anyway the very basic premise is this:

utah (he/they) and his younger sibling slug (they/them) have been living with their mother's elder sister, risky game (aka aunty(ie) risk) since they were small, ever since their mother disappeared without a trace and the siblings were found malnourished. risk barely takes care of them, preferring to drink and gamble and leave them to their own devices leading each kiddo down their own path. utah, the elder and more tempermental of the two, lashes out but also is practically a genius when it comes to engineering and weaponry. after meeting his other half, gator (he/she/they), he turns to building and reassembling weapons from the parts remnant of 'the great cloud war' (idk what it was ask me or don't i'll pull shit out of my ass SDBK) to make money and eventually decides when they turn adult age to say fuck it, i'm gonna go find my mom bc this shit blows. origninally it was only supposed to be utah and gator striking out on their own to find out what happened, but slug ends up tagging along bc they want to know too + adventure + they have abandonment issues after the mom thing and risk ends up getting dragged with them because like hell does she trust them to not get themselves blown up (but also in part because she feels guilt; she knows that she wasn't the best parental figure to either of them, but she was so shaken over her sister's disappearance that she took her guilt and anguish out by not being there for the kids its a whole thing). and utah isn't happy about this but they are Barely convinced to let slug and risk come with bc as gator says "family bonding, what can go wrong!"

a Lot. cough.

tl;dr government conspiracy shit, suicide bots + one that's gained sentience but technically still has an active kill switch (green), a government sleeper agent with amnesia (agent oogma -- her code name literally means "olive oil gives me amnesia" and she always keeps a bottle of olive oil on her person so if someone tries to question her about secret government shit she can literally give herself amnesia and forget... except she's used the oil so many times that she has no way of recovering anything about herself. just hot mess energy). a fire elemental (dulce)... and more!!

wip wholly inspired by watching cy throw shit against the wall about se pff.

but here's some of the character designs--i should make thrown together character sheets for them all tbh:

and then 2 of slug >

[youredreamingofroo]

The Roo-seum...

group pics and other stuff under the cut! (just to avoid flooding the dash lmao)

CAS pics in the NEXT POST

Now onto me ranting.

The Roo-seum is a 16 sim project that's consumed me for the last couple of days (in a good way), this explores most of Roo's lifespan (not implying he's dead LMAO), from the age of 9 years old, up to now, 28 years old, talking about what he went through for each year (for the most part anyways), of course, I didn't start at 1 or 2 years old, mainly because, way back when I made all of these Roo's (roughly back in July '23, this is not an idea that suddenly sparked, I only acted on it because I have a way to show off each age that isn't a Picrew lmao... I can't draw well so I just used TS4), I made them in Picrew, which... at the time couldn't find a Picrew with kids/babies so the youngest I went was around 9 years old, and just built up from there.

Roo is my persona gone OC, around 5 or 6 years ago, I put on this persona of "Roo", which started as "The Unfortunate Roo" and Roo's (or Mine, since this was technically a Persona, doubling as an OC) design was COMPLETELY different back then, He wasn't a he, the design was a sucubus I think, I don't really recall and I really couldn't care for it, it's embarrassing 💀 I don't remember how he came to fruition, but I remember finding this one picrew that I LOVED, and I used that picrew to create ~Roo~, his initial design was akin to the 22-23 year old Roo, there's a lot about his design that I could talk about but will avoid doing so, but just know that his Sims design isn't super on the dot to what his actual design is supposed to look like.

So... what's Piametia?? Why did you come up with that?? How did you come up with that?? To be honest, I never actually came up with a name up until yesterday when writing the note for 10-12 year old Roo, I don't really remember what sparked me to come up with a condition that "has the Patient suffer a sudden loss or gain in pigmentation and melanin in the eyes and hair," I guess 17 year old me thought it was cool, and it is! It opened up a new story for him, where I couldn't provide story (for someone without Piametia), like how being affected by Piametia caused him to go from extremely accepting of himself, to getting bullied into "normalizing himself," While he achieved this, it was really in vain, because he was still bullied for his condition, but as he grew older, out of his teen years and into adulthood, it bothered him less and less, because, well, shit like that doesn't fucking matter, sure it still bothered him, sure it still traumatized him to some degree, but it's just what some stupid kids say, it doesn't determine what his worth is, and he understands that, so after recovering from almost ending his life, he realized that something had to change, he couldn't live in this wallowing ball of agony because some kids determined "hey! That kid is different! They're no longer as cool as we are! Get him!!"

I should also mention that he didn't develop Piametia til he was around 9 years old, which is exactly what the condition does, it's genetic (although it never occurred in Reese or Virginia, the only reasonable conclusion was that it skipped a generation) and it's drilled into the person's DNA and only takes effect before puberty (in the average kid). So Roo was considered a part of the other kids' little cliques and stuff, but only until his hair and eyes changed color.

I kind of hyped this up to be something extravagant and maybe it is, idk, I don't have the eyes of the audience, I'm just a guy who made this and I have a rather critical view of my work sometimes, I try not to, but force of habit lmao. I really liked making this because Roo is an OC who has grown with me, mainly because he's both a persona of me while also being an OC, so where I change and grow, he often reflects that change and growth, in his own ways of course, I often wish he was real, but he's not and that's the harsh reality. Also gonna clarify that his life does NOT completely reflect mine, I'm only 18, he's ten years older then me lmao, where he was 8 I was 10 years to be conceived- Roo is still his own character, he's had his own relationships, all of which have went poorly (reflecting my own), and even had his own stalker (which escalated)- But parts of his life like when he became extremely homophobic of himself and who he truly was is not reflective of myself, I never had that stage in life (whether you did or not however is not a bad thing unless your actually just homophobic, then gtfo like?? 😭).

I went on a rant there, and I probably could've kept going, but figured I should stop at some point lol, but I hope you guys like this, I sure LOVED making this and I love doing Roo related things and posts. I also provided text in the image descriptions in case it's hard to read in the images (I tried to keep it as clear and readable as possible), and in case anyone who uses a screen-reader finds this post :)

[one-of-many-journeys]

Day 45

Stone Yield

As my burns have calmed, the chill has set back into my bones. I cleaned and donned my old Chieftain's garb for today's journey—further north to track down the Claws Beneath. First, I scoped out an area just south of Stone Yield where I'd passed one of the Daemon's remaining towers the night before. Of course they couldn't die when I excised their maker—that'd be too simple.

Three Bellowbacks attacking a group of straggling bandits, perhaps returned to Stone Yield expecting allies instead of grief-bent Banuk. The Bellowbacks made short work of them, but their sacrifice bought me time to override the tower.

Took out their blaze sacks to set them flaming, using frost arrows from my new war bow after that. Nothing on the Icerail, but it doesn't take much to brittle a Bellowback. In all, a good warm up for the far more dangerous hunt to come.

The sounds of a rampaging Fireclaw drew me eastwards—not one, it turned out, but two. Aratak was scouting the area, learning their movements. It seemed a fitting task to take on together: the last remnants of the terror on Thunder's Drum.

Put my Icerail to good use, now leagues more powerful than Aratak's. He took on one Fireclaw while I took the other, making ample use of their power cells to keep them down.

That's all five escaped Fireclaws down. Aratak seems...enamored with Cyan. He's learning a lot from her, I'm glad to hear. He asked me if I'd run the Chieftain's trial yet. I thought he meant the challenge for the title at first, the one the Frostclaws cut short, but no, it was a challenge offered at the Snowchant Hunting Grounds reserved for Chieftains alone. Since I had technically earned my place among that elite rank of hunters, the trial would be open to me as well. The trial was constantly evolving with the increasing ferocity of the machines, testing a Chieftain against the new threats of the wilds. That means more Daemonic machines. Well, who's had more practice at taking them down than me?

There was a challenge in Aratak's tone. Of course I took him up on it.

Across the salt flats and up the mountain path toward the north eastern corner of the Cut.

The Claws Beneath—a Rockbreaker decorated with the snapped spears and sigils of fallen hunters, made tougher still by the Daemonic tower thrust out of the snow. Even the high ground glacial formations weren't safe, and it was harder to trace its motion under the snow than under bare earth. Once, it came up right under me, could have hurt me bad if the snow wasn't there to soften the blow.

Icerail and hardpoint, targeting its cooling vent to slow it down. I tried to tear off its claws too and keep it above ground, but couldn't rip the huge components free. The fight was messy, and I needed time to recover afterwards, and restock on medicinal herbs, but I prevailed.

Umnak will be glad to hear of the Claws' defeat after all these years.

Riding north into a gathering blizzard, I climbed the cliffs in the Snowchants arena to harvest more Bluegleam, then rode back around the southern face to the Hunting Grounds camp, ready to face the Chieftain's trial.

Lauvuk told me of the challenge when I asked, said it was the deadliest trial she could muster. It sounded perfect. It had been a long day of good hunting, and likely one of my last in the Cut.

The trial was tough. Really tough. First, two Scorchers. I took one down using the arena's log traps to crush it, tore the mine launcher from the other then froze it with my Icerail and littered it with hard points. The launchers are more trouble than they're worth against Scorchers—can't move quickly while lugging them around, and the bombs barely penetrate its armour.

Down in under a minute, and the two ice Bellowbacks in the second arena were down quicker still. Triple hardpoints to the sack and gullet on both, finishing them off when brittle. Two Frostclaws in the final area. Here is where my efficiency began to slip. I started by forcing both down by detonating their power cells. Close proximity meant one blast could take them both down, or near enough, so I concentrated fire on their freeze units and chill water sacks, keeping at least a couple lengths of wire on each at time so they couldn't launch at me. Not good enough. I need to find a better strategy. I was thirty seconds over the fastest time recorded at the grounds. Aratak's, of course, though I doubt the machines he had to deal with back then were half as fierce.

Only second place for me. It was late in the night by then, and I was running low on medicinal herbs. Exhausted too. I'll be back here someday, and I'll set a new record for the Chieftain's trial. No question about it.

Now that the Fireclaws are dealt with, I'll return to Song's Edge and give Naltuk the good news. A few loose ends to tie up here, then I'll move on south. Then it's back on the western road to Meridian.

[darlingkirstein]

im just curious about your headcanon for their job (for eremika and jeanpiku if that's alright)

this question has truly thrown me for such a giant loop because im super indecisive! so i thought instead of choosing one option, i could list a few plausible options for the characters! these are just the jobs that came to mind for some reason. im sure i could come up with others but this are the first that i decided on, and i tried to choose jobs that are a little more unorthodox to be unique 🩷

also sorry for how long this has taken ! i know you've been waiting for this for a while 🫶

Eremika

— Eren Jaeger!

Physical/recreational therapist: I can imagine him wanting to help people but not wanting to be a hospital doctor or anything like that. He seems like he'd be a pretty active guy so I think a job where he gets to help people and also move around and help clients move around and recover from injury would be both fulfilling and fun for him at the same time! Or even recreational therapy, getting to help people through different activities!

Small business owner: I can see him taking the charge and owning his own business, maybe with the help of his parents with a small investment to get it started. Mikasa might also help with this when she has spare time because she wants to support him! I'm thinking something that incorporates his love of cooking, like a bakery or food shop?

Stuntman/stunt coordinator: This one is more for fun but I love picturing him as a stunt man for movies. He would get a kick out of the thrill it gives him if he's actively participating or he'd find it satisfying to coordinate really interesting stunt work. Mikasa would always be fearful that he's gonna injure himself.

— Mikasa Ackerman!

Bookstore employee: I don't know why, but I think Mikasa would love working around a quiet environment with books. Getting to provide recommendations and organize the shelves makes her feel accomplished without over-stressing her. She loves reading so the employee discount is definitely a big benefit.

Speech-language pathologist: I'm biased here because this is what I'm studying! But I think Mikasa could thrive in this job! Getting to help people struggling with communication is really fulfilling and she gets to challenge herself to find creative solutions. I think she would love working with children, helping them fix their speech sounds, or even with adults, helping with different disorders.

Daycare owner/lead employee: I think a lot of us agree that even in our modern AUs, Mikasa didn't have the happiest childhood. So, I think she tries to make sure that other children have the best possible childhood around. She would be very attentive to all their needs because she's naturally great with kids. Eren would find this so endearing and it would really give me lots of baby fever when she comes home and talks about the kiddos.

Jeanpiku

— Jean Kirstein!

Gonna start off by saying that I feel like Jean initially settles for an office job because he feels like he has to be a big breadwinner and have a stable, high-paying job but it ends up making him rather miserable so he quits to pursue other jobs.

Art restoration: I know the idea of Jean being an artist is kinda overplayed since he only draws once but I am so attached to it. But here I'm specifically thinking of him restoring old/damaged paintings for museums or for people's personal collections. He probably finds comfort in seeing the pretty paintings come back to life after being so dull. He takes it super seriously since it's so technical so he's very proud of his work and the results!

Something in the restaurant/food industry: Jean loves cooking so much! He would want to share his cooking with others. He might work at a restaurant making good or maybe even as a cooking instructor? I think that even if his job isn't in the food industry that he still volunteers his time to cook for people in need because it's something he's passionate about.

Art therapist: In a similar vein to art restoration, I am imagining him as an art therapist, trying to help people with their struggles through various forms of art. It's probably therapeutic to him, so sharing that therapy with others is so sweet to me. I think would love to work with children especially, just getting to see them smile after they've gone through some rough things :)

— Pieck Finger!

Something in journalism: Pieck would get a kick out of writing small articles for different papers or magazines, or even in the newspaper (even if it's a dying medium). She gets to show a more creative side while making a living and she also gets to work from home which is great because she's kind of a homebody! She gets to be comfortable while writing her fun articles :)

Accent/dialect coach: This is also kind of a half-serious one like the stunt coordinator one for Eren. I feel like Pieck would be weirdly good at accents, like stupidly good. So she might have fun working with actors either in bigger shows/movies or in local theatre productions to change accents.

Editor: Another job that could be done from home, I think she would like editing people's books or articles or anything to make them better. She finds it fun and satisfying to correct mistakes and make suggestions, and it's so fun because she can work on stuff from her bedroom if she so desired. Maybe she both writes and edits and just switches off depending on the day/helping out her writer friends by editing their work for them.

[yoki-doki-then]

FFXIV Write 2024 - T W O H E A D S A R E B E T T E R T H A N O N E

“Hey, Aika?”

“Yes, Yoki?”

“Do you think they're actually... dead? My parents? My brother?”

Two Lalafells sit under the evening sky, decorum and their rift of status discarded under the watch of the stars and moon above. Ul'dah's night life quiets near their restaurant, both clad in more pedestrian garments than their norm. It's incognito, in way. The world breezes past them, ignorant to their deeper stories.

“In all technical and probable likelihood, Yoki, they are dead.”

“... But do you think they are?”

“No.” Aika speaks before her mind can catch her heart, and she swallows hard. Her fingers twitch near the collar of her dress, looking for something to claw at, but she stills her digits. “I do not,” she reinforces eventually. “It wouldn't make sense?”

“Dramatically speaking, it does. We are... 'were' a rather tumultuous family. It's kinda hard to find the good notes hidden in discord. I remember some. But a lot of it was drama. The silent kind of drama that slowly out from inside holes. 'You didn't notice me when you started this', it's gonna whisper as it eats a rib, 'and now you'll regret it'. That kinda drama.”

“You are wonderfully melancholic, Yoki,” says Aika with a loving sigh. “But, no. I don't think they are.”

“Why not?”

“I saw the family's drama too. I've lived through it. But I've also seen the kindnesses they've shared. The pain. The... well, pleasure. I think it's more complicated than just a sweeping 'they were bad'. Even if some parts were certainly ill.”

“All it takes is a weakness for the Final Days to steal your soul, to my understanding.”

“Maybe. But they are not weak people. They're less stubborn than you, but fight hard for second place.”

The younger woman giggles a touch. “I'd like to hope so.”

“Don't just hope. Keep surviving. Thrive. Eventually, I'm sure the chance will come for you to reconnect with them, wherever they might be.”

“You too, right?”

“... Pardon?”

“Aika. I know we have this sorta-weird relationship of money going between us, but I do like to think of you as... I don't really know the word. You're a part of my world.”

“... I appreciate that, Yoki. I do.”

“I've another adventure to go on. It's something... I don't really know what it's about yet. But I'm setting out for an airship tomorrow to meet with a bunch of others. I hope it goes well. When it's over and I come back, do you think you could help me look for my family? I want this to end. I want proof, or I want them in my arms.”

Aika looks down at her lap. Her palms tingle, and she rubs them together to try to fight back the nerves. “I would like to do that. I will. There's things I know I've kept to myself, I suppose. Out of care. You understand, I hope? I-”

“I understand. Well, I don't, but I demand myself to understand.” “Pfeh.” Aika's laugh, despite all her normal airs of decorum, was always her most undignified trait. It rumbled in her throat and bubbled to the back of her mouth, coming mostly through her nose. When she recovers, she continues. “I'll be open about anything you ask, and even things you wouldn't. I want my life to start its next chapter as well.”

“... Then here's to a good adventure for me, and a fine tomorrow for us.”

Yoki's sister smiles and picks up her glass on the table. It's empty, long-since drained, but she feels the bounty of grapes in it regardless. “Here's to.” She sips air.

It's delicious.

[apurpledust]

thx for the tag @cadmusfly :3🫶

Last Song: It Should've Been Me by RIProducer

a song about unrequited love and the pain of not being chosen by their love interest😭 sounds like napjuno help

Currently Watching: the last series i watched was the One Piece live action recommended by my twinsie... but as of right now? nothing lol. I wouldn't mind any rec's tho if anyone has any c: usually i'm just watching history yt /tiktok videos lol

Three ships: help the three main ones consuming me right now its gonna be long: napjuno -> nana and juju! intense obsessive love? possessive tendencies? homoerotic devotion? ANGST?? yup right up my alley. junot was forever loving someone he cannot have and that literally hurts my soul 😭 imagine having someone as hot as him pining after your ass ALL THE TIME😭 also reminder that junot loved him more than god (or just as much) and would eat him if he could 💗

btw i'm not dying until at least one of those burnt letters are somehow recovered (;

lannap -> technically my first napoleonic ship! some friends from lofter /ig wrote and drew a lot about them and got me onto the bandwagon. i love how lannes is the only one able to stand up to naps and get away with calling him a harlot lmao. i truly believe a part of naps died ever since lannes left the mortal world in 1809 :'c

napalex -> i would say this ship was mostly influenced on me by my friends~ a summer romance that had them both infatuated for a while... or everlasting.

Favourite Colour: *looks at room and closet* lol it's purple

Currently consuming: the last thing i ate was ramen for lunch :)

First ship: i had a period where i was reaally into les mis so enjolras / grantaire i'd say was my "first" official ship🥺

Relationship status: single but also i'm not looking for one rn😌

Last Movie: Napoleon (2023) lmao it was horrible. i rinsed my eyes by re-watching waterloo a few weeks ago tho

Currently working on: trying to colour my doodle of naps w/ hickies that some friends and i were joking about 🤭 you know it happened😈

tagging: @isa-ko (ik you're already tagged but still :3) @promises-of-paradise @goddammitjosef @oriharaizayadividesintoslytherin @etsu-silly @xinanigans @kafkaifhewasasillygirl no pressure ofc and anyone who wants to do it <3

[fangbangerghoul]

I've been recovering from my exposure to the sun yesterday. I'm hoping to have some kind of Sunday snippet tomorrow but I'm not sure what it will be. Will it be my crochet project? My DD2 wip? My other wip?

I'm super sensative to heat on top of being on medication that makes me super sensative to heat so it was a double whamy yesterday. I was genuinely surprised I didn't have a heat stroke but I'm pretty sure immediately getting a cold shower as soon as I came home is what saved that from happening. But the recovery took a 12 hour nap and lots of water and carbs.

Also I've been busy on "vacation" these past few days. Vacation is in quotation marks because vacation with children is technically work in my eyes lmfao. I still had a decent time and my kid had a blast and that's what matters to me. Even if my tism got the best of me in some moments and I thought I was going to scream; I didn't.

It's not the end of the world if I don't have anything for tomorrow but I enjoying having Wednesdays and Sundays being a day to post some of my work. Especially since August is coming closer every day and when my semester starts I'm not sure how consistent I'll be with my classes.

It also doesn't help that my friend was in the hospital while I was at the Zoo enjoying my day. I didn't know till after the visit that's what had happened. We started a fund for her to help her with her continuous unexplained seizures now that they are seriously effecting her quality of life.

This all in all was a random rant for things. Plus I haven't had any queued posts set up and I'm not sure when I'll be able to have my DD2 posts queued again. So heres a post. Lol

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Red Snow (KakuIza oneshot)

Wow, I can't believe I finally finished this!

This was actually sitting on my drafts for half a year. The idea came at me when I started wondering what if some characters start to slowly remember other timelines? And bam, KakuIza appeared to me. Tragic as always, but asking with puppy eyes if I could give them happiness (or show it, since technically the canon already did this). I had it all wrote except the last scene because apparently the angst comes easily at me (no surprises here, oops)

But Tenjiku being animated and knowing what we'll see in a few week... Yeah, I needed to end this and fix that mess.

(link to ao3 in case some one preferes to read it there)

Summary: Maybe the snow was the last tribute from heaven to this king who died too young trying to protect his servant. After that day, every time it snows, Kakucho couldn't do anything but look at the snow, the bloody red snow that seemed to be everywhere. Now, the red is gone. Izana is there. The snow makes Kakucho happy again.

Warnings: Manga Spoilers. Angst with happy ending (with a lot of angst before the happiness) and depressed Kakucho (who could blame him?)

Notes: This is canon compilant, from Kakucho's POV (so keep in mind that any opinion on another character is Kakucho's, not mine, I love them all). The italic parts are Kakucho's memories, I hope it makes sense how I organized, since it's not chronologically, it only makes sense emotionally. If saying this makes sense at all.

English is not my first language, so be nice please! :)

Kakucho has been wanting to see that smile for so long that he can't even remember when he started to miss it. Or maybe it's the excruciating pain in his shoulder, which doesn't allow him to remember properly. All that he knows is that suddenly it's here, a real smile on Izana's face, lighting everything up. He can't stop looking, even if some part of his brain detects all the chaos and screams around them, Kakucho only has eyes for him, for his king and this smile that it's making the world shine again for a few seconds.

He thinks his yelling, but he's unable to focus in anything other than Izana bleeding next to him, correcting his servant once more “Our era”. The king keeps talking to Mikey, but Kakucho doesn't know what he's saying anymore, the last words still hitting his brain, his ears, his whole body. “I'm sorry Kakucho, but you're all that I have”.

As Izana's hand begins to get colder his servant is still caught up in those words “All that I have”. So Kakucho close his eyes, more than willing to follow his king one last time. He's not going to left him alone, not now, not ever. The last coherent thoughts that cross his mind is that this is his fault, for wishing too much, wanting too much. He never would have wished to see Izana's real smile again if he had known the price.

He's still able to see the snow before everything goes dark (or feel, he's not sure of his own senses any more). It's ironic,they used to love the snow, now it seems like the universe is mocking on them. Or maybe it's not, maybe the snow is the last tribute from heaven to this king who died too young trying to protect his servant.

---------------------------------------

Kakucho wakes up in the hospital. The doctors say that he's going to recover, like that's good news. They are not, not for him. He survived, again. Nothing makes sense, he doesn't feel alive, so... How is it possible? He wants to die, he doesn't understand, his live is meaningless, just a servant. Kakucho hates himself for surviving, he should have died protecting his king, not the other way around.

None of this matters, his feelings are not important, he can't go back to being selfish, getting caught up in his own desires. He knows that he has to keep living, Izana died for him to live. 'Why? Why Izana? Why you never show how important I was to you when we still had time? Why did you leave me? Why am I the only one stuck with our regrets? Why?'

He needs to stop thinking, there is no point in doing so. Izana exchanged his own life for Kakucho's, so he knows he has to keep living. Even tough he is already dead.

---------------------------------------

Every time it snows, is the same. It doesn't matter if Izana is already in middle school, as soon as he sees the first flakes he starts running looking for Kakucho, ready to drag him under the snow again. It's a miracle how he's able to contain all this excitement until he finds his friend (his servant) when he's actually jumping trough the corridors.

Of course, Kakucho follows him, pretending to complain about the cold. He doesn't pretend too hard, it's not like he's even trying to hide his smile. Or like the cold matters, when Izana is still taking his hand while they keep running until being outside.

Kakucho didn't care about the snow before, now he loves it. Or maybe he loves how the older boy's face seems to glow when he smiles at it. He knows that Izana isn't exactly the happiest kid around, so he treasures every second when he can have his friend acting like this, without masks or titles between them. Just two friends playing in the snow.

They always play outside for hours, never bothered by the rest of the kids, probably too busy hiding inside the building from the cold. Kakucho thinks they are idiots, they don't know anything. For him, the snow is a reminder of that warm feeling inside him, that thing he felt the first time they played like this. It was almost freezing inside their igloo, but all the ice went away when Izana said those words “Our kingdom”. The younger kid doesn't understand why, he only knows that for a second he felt like the most important person on the entire planet ( besides Izana, of course ), the previous cold forgotten and replaced by warmth within his chest.

Suddenly, a snowball kicks him and he realizes that Izana has already started the fight. He was lost in his own thoughts, so obviously Izana is cheating. Again. He sighs and starts making his own ammunition. 'Some things never change, right?'

---------------------------------------

The world lost his color that day. Now everything looks gray, like if someone repainted it with a monochrome palette during the time that Kakucho was in the hospital. The apartment is worse, because he can still see where the colors are supposed to be, like a shadow from the past. He can still see the guitar by the window, where Izana used to play it. The tropical fish, now his only roommate.

It's a really small apartment, the only one that Izana could afford at that time, when he came back to the orphanage just for rescue him ( actually it was more an scape than a rescue, but they didn't care about that ). When his king went to juvie he promised that he wouldn't forget about Kakucho. And he didn't, because Izana never lied to him. 'He just kept too many things inside, but he never lied, how ironic is that?'

He didn't have time to miss the colors, because one day starts snowing. Kakucho was walking towards the convenience store when the first flakes began to fall. Suddenly he can't breathe, he can't move, he can't think. He can't do anything but look at the snow, the bloody red snow that's everywhere. 'Red. That's not supposed to be red. Why is the snow red? Where does all this blood come from? Fuck, fuck, fuck!'

Kakucho doesn't know how he manage to run until he's safely back home, safe from the memories that come true with every flake of snow. From that day on, he avoids going outside in the snow. So he stays in this apartment full of ghosts, the ghosts of colors, forever gone from his world. The ghost of Izana filling every corner, reminding him that he must keep living.

---------------------------------------

Apparently Izana made new friends in juvie. He doesn't know how he feels about it, but it's weird trying to imagine Izana making friends. Until his king explains how he made them. 'Oh, that checks.'

“Why are you doing this face? Are you jealous or what?”

Izana says that with a smirk in his face, his obviously teasing him but for some reason the younger boy still feel that something is off.

“Come on servant, don't be such a pain in the ass, I beat them for you, the least you can do is be grateful, don't you think?”

“For me?”

Kakucho doesn't understand what that is supposed to mean.

“Yeah, you're going to lead our army, remember? I wasn't going to let you lead an army of weaklings.”

And with that, he puts a hand on Kakucho's head, ruffling his hair on the process. An obvious sign that the conversation is over and, once again, his servant will follow him with a smile.

When Kakucho finally meets this new friends, he can only think that they're all idiots. Well, except for Mutto, he likes Mutto because he's calm and quiet, he always knows his place or when it's better to shut up. Shion is the complete opposite, he never knows when to shut up or stop moving. To be honest, Kakucho thinks that Shion probably can't do any of that. Mochi is just another idiot, with less energy than Shion, but the same amount of brains. The Haitani brothers are their own category. 'This two aren't just idiots. They are idiots and weirdos.'

Time passed and Kakucho still thinks the Haitanis are weirdos, but he actually likes having them around. They always show up with some expensive and extravagant gift, as if money is nothing to the rulers of Roppongi. Today they bring some delicious cakes, as always they remembered to buy a portion of Kakucho's favorite. He knows Ran is the one who paid attention to these tinny details, he can't help but act like a big brother.

But the cake is not the reason why Kakucho likes them. It's not the only reason, at least. No, Izana is the real reason. Every time the Haitani brothers are there the white haired boy looks happy. Of course, he doesn't show it, so sometimes he seems amused, entertained or even pissed off as if he's about to lose his already little patience. But Kakucho knows him better, he knows that Izana is happier when the weirdos are here. So before he realizes, the four of them are friends. Well, maybe one king and three friends.

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It's being a few months since the Kanto Incident. He doesn't know how many, because time stopped making any kind of sense for Kakucho since his reason to live disappeared. He didn't realize how much time had past until one day when he hears an annoying knock at his door. A really annoying knock that doesn't go away forcing him to open the damn door.

Of course, when he opens the door, the Haitani brothers are there. He should had know, but he really wasn't aware that they were already out.

“Kakuchooooo, I know you missed me, so stop making that grumpy face and be a good host!”

Ran looks exactly the same, still talks like he's teasing at you with every word. After all that time, he still brings cake, Kakucho's favorite.

“Come one, let us in already, I was about to pick the lock.”

Yeah, that's Rindou's way of showing that he was worried. Still the same weirdos. So obviously, he lets them in.

Before he understands what's going on, he's sitting at the table with one brother at each side of him, eating cake and talking nonsense. And he's smiling, even laughing at times with their most absurd anecdotes. The scene is so familiar, so comfortable, it's almost like nothing has changed. 'Almost.'

Kakucho doesn't know what happened, but suddenly finds himself unable to breath. He tries, he really tries, because he doesn't want to break in front of anyone. But they aren't just anyone, they have cake and comfort words “Breathe, it's ok Kakucho, we know” and “We're here now, you are not alone anymore”.

So he breaks, he let himself cry in front of these weirdos that share his pain, his lost. In front of what's left of his family, what's left of all that happiness that he doesn't even remember how it felt. He doesn't realize that all this time he has been gripping his necklace, the one with a hanafuda image that they know all too well. The one that used to be one of Izana's earrings.

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Kakucho would never know how they knew it. The Haitanis always seem to have a sixth sense or something, because they show up unannounced like they always did. The strange thing is that they seem to know that this time Izana is going to welcome them, without beatings or cruel words. They seem to sense that their king is starting to get better and he can't be more thankful, hoping that maybe this is what Izana needs.

He's not wrong, but he's also not right. Izana isn't quiet there most of the time, but at least he eats, talks and even has a smile sometimes. It's not he's real smile, his eyes don't show any emotions, it still looks unhinged. But even if it's a weird smile, he does it more when the brothers are there, so Kakucho thinks that's good. 'He just needs more time, that's all, this has to be a good sign, right? Yep, one day he will really smile again, I'm sure.'

Kakucho definitely likes having the Haitani brothers around. They are more than friends, they are family.

---------------------------------------

Kakucho didn't want to follow South, he only have one king and he will never betray him. He ends up in Rokuhara after that monster beats the shit out of him, but that doesn't mean his loyal to that gang. He put his life ( and his heart ) in the hands of another man a long time ago.

It's actually much easier than he expected, being back in this live, the fights, the adrenaline. Maybe that is all he knows how to do or maybe he doesn't even care anymore, but this makes him feel a little bit more alive than spending day after day hiding in his apartment with only ghosts and a fish for company.

It's different with Mikey and so familiar at the same time that he feels on edge. Every time that he's in a Kanto Manji meeting he has to control himself or he would freak out ( unconsciously grasping his necklace trying to calm down ).

Looking at Mikey gets him deja-vu. Really bad deja-vu, if he has to be honest.

The invincible is falling, Kakucho can see him fall into the darkness, exactly as he saw before. That's what scares him most, that he already learned how this ends. But he can't run away ( even if sometimes that's all that he wants ). Kakucho can't run away because he knows, he doesn't know how he knows, but he knows Izana wouldn't want him to leave Mikey. Or maybe he's just projecting, trying to fix the past by fixing the present.

“You can't save him.”

Of course he has been noticing the look in the older Haitani's face, he's obviously worried, but he didn't expect that. He wasn't prepared for that.

“What?”

“You can't save Mikey, not from himself. Stop it, you need to start thinking about what do you want for a while.”

There is more, things that Ran never says, but Kakucho listens anyway. The unspoken words keep floating around them 'You can't save him, the same way that you couldn't save Izana.'

---------------------------------------

At the beginning, Kakucho was happy of seeing Izana taking care of himself again. Starting to be open to people, to life, once more.

Now, he's just worried. Really worried. He realized that Izana's only motor is revenge, that he's getting really obsessed with Mikey. Izana is falling into darkness, a little bit more every day. His smiles are not real, his beautiful purple eyes never catch up with them. He looks deranged, completely unhinged every time that he starts talking about his revenge plans.

Kakucho knows that, but he'll follow him anyway. He'll follow Izana because he just wants to see him happy again and if this revenge is what it takes, he'll follow his king. Izana isn't drinking and sleeping all day anymore, so he hopes that maybe, he just needs time for smiling again. A real smile, like before. If Kakucho have to follow him to hell for being able to see this smile once more, he'll do it happily.

---------------------------------------

It's even worst the day that Rindou finally snaps, just before the battle with Toman 2nd Generation. They're alone, just trying to keep themselves entertained with some video game, trying very hard ( and failing ) not to think about tomorrow.

“Who do you think will die?”

It's just a whisper, so he wants to ignore it, pretending that he didn't hear it until he turns around and sees Rindou's face.

“No one, this time no one is going to die.”

He doesn't believe it, of course, not after watching how Mikey almost killed Takemichi of all people. But he's trying to comfort the other, and probably himself.

“You don't believe that, don't fuck with me!”

Then he realizes. Rindou fucking Haitani is panicking right now, he's having a panic attack and Kakucho doesn't know what to do. So he just keeps listening, hoping that helps. He's definitely not prepared for the next words.

“I... I've been having nightmares since that day, you know? What if... What if Ran tries to protect me like Izana did with you? What if... This time Ran... Shit, I can't even say it out loud, I'm fucking pathetic! But how am I supposed to keep living if that happen? How you keep living with that?”

Kakucho really, really doesn't want to answer that, but he's never seen the younger Haitani like this before, he knows he deserves an answer. He also knows that the only one he can give is not going to help.

“You don't.”

---------------------------------------

Kakucho is dying. He knows he is dying, he knows that Sanzu's katana cut is too deep, that there is no way that he could survive this time. He's okay with the idea of his own death, he always thought that the last two years were a cruel and extra time.

But he can't, he can't die yet. Kakucho needs to stop this damn train, he needs to do it or a lot more people is going to die. Not just people, his friends. Shion, Mochi, Takemichi. Not just people, his family. Ran. Rindou. The last survivors of the broken family they had once. The last two people in this whole planet that still remember Izana with affection. Kakucho can't let this happen, he can't let them die without trying until his last breath.

That's when he sees him. Izana.

Izana is here, Kakucho can feel him, he can feel his warm presence by his side once again. He doesn't even have time to think what's happening, when he listens Izana's voice.

“You're still as reckless as ever. Well, that's what makes you, you.”

Izana smiles and puts his hand in top of Kakucho's own hand. He can feel Izana's strength going through his body.

“I'll help you out, Kakucho.”

Just like that, they are able to stop the train. Together, like they always should be. They did it, they saved their family. And now, Kakucho is finally letting go, allowing himself to die. He's not afraid anymore, he's just happy that he could see Izana one last time. He's dying, but he's dying with a warm smile. Kakucho is finally reunited with the love of his live.

---------------------------------------

Kakucho never knew when he started to feel that for Izana. Maybe it was always there, maybe his feelings just changed and grew into something different at the same time that he was growing. But he could pinpoint without any doubt the exact moment when he realized that he was in love with his king.

The day that he saw him “better” again after Shinichiro's death. Izana just cut his hair and wanted to do a big entrance with his new Tenjiku's uniform. He was showing it to Kakucho, his arms opened and allowing him to see the whole view. His earrings dancing with him again every time he moved.

Kakucho knew it. Like and instant revelation, he felt that he just found the missing piece of a puzzle that he didn't even realized he was doing. Kakucho was doomed.

He wanted too much, he couldn't ask that from the older boy, but he still couldn't avoid it. He wouldn't ask, he'll keep following him until the end, just like always. He was sure that be by Izana's side will be enough. At that time, he thought this was the best decision, he still didn't knew that never confessing his feelings to Izana will be his last regret.

---------------------------------------

Kakucho opens his eyes, looking around and feeling completely disoriented. He's laying on a king size bed, the other side showing signs that some one was sleeping here too. He touches his chest, not understanding why there isn't a wound there. A scar, at least. But nothing.

Suddenly, he realizes that his necklace is not there. He's about to panic, thinking that he lost Izana's earring forever. Until he hears it, a soft voice calling his name. The sound of footsteps entering the room.

The scarred boy wants to punch himself, because this can't be. But he recognizes this voice, he would recognizes this particular footsteps anywhere.

“Kakucho? Are you awake or are you going to start acting like Ran and sleep forever?”

Izana enters the room, looking even more ethereal than ever. A smug face and playful tone. But he looks... Older. It's subtle, little details than some one who didn't know him as his servant does, wouldn't notice. But Kakucho does it. His king looks exactly like he kept growing up during the last two years.

“I-Izana? Are you real?”

Is just a whisper, he's too afraid that if he talks, he would break this illusion, this dream. But it's more than enough for Izana's face changes into one of worry, quickly sitting on the bed by Kakucho's side, a gentle hand on his forehead.

“Are you okay? You look sick... I can call Manjiro and tell him we can't go to the lunch this week.”

Izana's voice is so soft, his tone of concern so genuine, his warm hand on Kakucho's face so comforting... That he breaks. He starts crying like a little kid, hugging him, clinging onto him like his life depended on it (it does).

“Kakucho? Kakucho, look at me.”

A gentle touch on his chin forces him to look directly into Izana's eyes. An intense gaze staring directly at him, trying to analyze what the hell is happening. The hand moving softly to wipe his tears. But there's something in those violet eyes, something different. Like they had less walls, as if the usual storm that Kakucho always saw on them was calmer.

So, without even thinking about it, Kakucho just says the words. No more regrets.

"I love you, Izana.”

He whispers, before talking again, this time more firmly.

“I love you. So you can't die, because I love you. You have to promise to me that you'll not die."

Izana stares at him, a puzzled look on his face. 'Well, that's not the worst reaction ever, right?'

"I know that, idiot. We've been dating for almost a year now, you don't need to act so fucking intense about it. What the hell is wrong with you today?”

The words sound blunt, but there's so much affection behind them, that Kakucho just melts with it. Specially, when Izana ruffles his hair. A small gesture that says a lot more.

And that's when he finally gets it. This gesture, all the gentle touches, all the non-verbal things that his king is saying... They aren't new. It was always there. This was always Izana's love language. It was always there. But Kakucho never understood until now, because he never thought he deserved this love.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong, Izana.”

He answers, a bright smile on his face. Feeling lighter than ever. Of course, the older boy is not buying it, an interrogation look on his eyes. Kakucho just laughs at this, throwing his head like a little kid, unable to content so much happiness. So much life.

Until he looks through the windows and he sees it. It's starting to snow outside.

“It's snowing.”

Izana's whole expression changes with this words. His face lighting up with excitement. A genuine smile on it.

A real smile. One that makes Kakucho notices that this time, he can actually see the snow. The red is gone. Izana is there, holding his hand and smiling at him. Looking ethereal but at the same time, so real. So tangible. So alive.

The red is gone.

Izana is there.

The snow makes Kakucho happy again.

[itgr]

Early ROS season 3 Kodya thoughts (aka here's my excuse to ramble)

I'm only on episode 180. I have thoughts on a lot of things but rn I just wanna talk about Kodya?? Idk ever since we've seen him again in episode 159, he's been a lot more stoic and and standoffish than he used to be? (at least compared to his season 2 counterpart, which yeah he spent most of that outside his body but he wasn't this standoffish to Gyrus before). He's a lot more similar to his season 1 counterpart in some ways which I found interesting. Originally, I thought it would be a temporary thing just from the shock of seeing Gyrus again and recovering from the fact he genuinely thought they'd never meet again, but then he kind of stays that way and he's kind of snarky and defensive which I find interesting. I really like when characters are flawed or are tangibly impacted by things that have happened to them. Anyways here's like multiple reasons I headcanon (some of these are just straight up stated or heavily implied) there's such a big character shift (at least to me):

Um. Yeah he literally thought he'd never see his on and off boyfriend of several years who he literally fought so hard to keep around. That's going to fuck you up regardless of if it ended up not being true

^ Also I feel like losing Gyrus again definitely brought back some old pain and trauma from the time he, yknow, watched Gyrus lose himself over the course of years and eventually had to be the one to kill him ^^ so. YEAH (he has abandonment issues to me)

This is more of a minor point but we should talk about how fucky it would be to spend several years with people from the future and then be plopped back into your time period and expected to just. Keep existing like nothing happened and like you don't know at least hundreds of separate things and concepts that are, quite literally, ahead of your time

Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't 100% face or see homophobia after returning to his time period. You know that would mess with him a bit (I find his defensiveness near Iro, while partially justified, really interesting? because it's the first time I can think of we get any implication that homophobia explicitly exists in the world of ROS <- which makes sense and it also makes sense to assume that the room of swords itself was probably pretty queer friendly because of the amount of different people there. Anyways Kodya's defensiveness near Iro just reads to me as someone anticipating homophobia because of firsthand experience with it)

Gyrus self deprecating about not as strong as Masiosare, who's essentially like if you took BB! Gyrus's inability to open up and ask for help and his tendencies to do morally fucked up shit for his version of the greater good and then maximised it(/hj), probably made Kodya feel worse. Like he already spent years watching Gyrus lose himself to those ideals and I feel like at this point, the amount of trust issues and general abandonment issues of having a partner who used to hide things from you constantly until it literally destroyed him, combined with that same partner now self deprecating and faintly implying he wants to be like that again, would 100% trigger the shit out of his trauma and probably make him feel like history's going to repeat itself

I don't know if this was intentional but (oversimplification) CPTSD symptoms tend to show up after the person's left whatever stressful environment they used to be in and it starts flaring up because the brain can't process or understand that its in a safe environment and is still in a very defensive protective mode even when it technically shouldn't be. Kodya's likely CPTSD from, yknow, EVERYTHING in the room of swords probably could've started flaring up because of the fact he finally managed to escape, which could also partially explain his mentioned thoughts of feeling cursed and like he'd never be happy before Gyrus showed up (it's a common thing to struggle to feel happy or safe after not having experienced either feeling for a long time)

In conclusion, Kodya Karevic is a well written mentally ill little guy who's literally done zero (0) wrong in his entire life/j. Jokes aside, I wanted an excuse to ramble and get my thoughts out and also just talk about how pleasantly surprising it is to have them actually acknowledge the flaws in Strawbarrow's relationship and show Kodya have tangible problems with trusting Gyrus again. Idk I really like how well and complexly they're written

[citrusuprising]

Alrighty it's been WAY too fucking long since I did one of these ask memes. Tagged by @bakumanfaces

1. Are you named after anyone?

So technically named after my mom (gave me her old middle name) but now it's MY middle name >:3

2. When was the last time you cried?

Three days ago?? At most four. I had a rough few months recently and uhhh still recovering.

3. Do you have kids?

Oh good Lord no I can barely take care of myself rn

4. What sport do you play/have played?

Uh I was in a Quadball team for a few weeks freshman year of college but other than that haven't really played sports since soccer as a kid.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

NOOOOO not at ALL

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Uhhh this is tough probably their frame? Like height, fat and muscle distribution, etc. WAIT ACTUALLY no it's hair but frame is a close second.

7. What's your eye color?

Green, slightly leaning towards Hazel

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings

9. Any talents?

I like to think I'm an okay cook. There's probably another thing but I can't think of it.

10. Where were you born?

Oakland, CA

11. What are your hobbies?

Video games, cooking, biking, sorting things into arbitrary categories (recently made a list of Pokemon based on their similarity to the meal/monster in every dunmeshi episode)

12. Do you have any pets?

No but my parents have two dogs I helped raise so I think they're worth mentioning.

13. How tall are you?

5'8"

14. Favorite subject in school?

Either Physics or Literature. Had good teachers for both. Found a lot of the analytical concepts for literature interesting and just had the mind to work through basic physics problems like fun puzzles.

15. Dream job?

Video game designer (literally in school for this shit) highly collaborative environment working with code with an eye towards artistic intentions (even if those intentions are just "have fun")

Told to tag 15 people, probably won't have that many but whatever. Hey @fandoms-will-collide @catboyfurina @mxchaoticgood @jermastar @rotten-spaceymage @empidonax @alvi @renegadeofficial @scareoset @raffaellosanziodaurbino @itsjesscapade @elliegoose (actually surprised I got it to 12)

Again no pressure to respond! Thanks again @bakumanfaces !!