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spinchip · 3 months ago

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“I’m sorry about your hair.” Nya says from the comfort of the bathroom doorway. Not inside, close to the halo of hacked brown locks, but not entirely outside- close enough to reassure but with a quick escape would be easy, if this conversation was unwelcome.

Dot makes a soft humming noise as she trims the fringe framing her face, her eyes exhausted but resolved as she makes sure the sides are perfectly even, “hair grows back.”

“Still, though.” Nya fidgets with the doorknob just to do something with her hands, “You loved your hair. Was there really no saving it?”

“The matting was too severe.” Dot says lightly, “Besides, even if there was a way to save it… well, it’s a bit too late now.” she sweeps chunks of her once long hair into the garbage bin by the toilet. The pixie cut is strange and foreign on her, to Nyas eyes. She’d only ever know Dot with hair long enough to brush her lower back.

Dot grabs her canes and makes her way towards the door. There’s still hair on the floor, but Nya wisely doesn’t comment on it. In all the years she’d now known Dakota, she was never one to leave a mess. She wasn’t okay, and Nya doubted that handing her a broom would do anything to help. She backs up so Dot can join her in the hallway, and she follows her as she heads to the kitchen.

“I’ve never seen your hair this short.” She says because she’s really not sure what to say, “Even in the pictures with you and Leo it was to your shoulders.” there’s a pause, “It looks nice!” She adds awkwardly, suddenly acutely aware she may not be making things better.

Though Dot doesn’t seem to mind. She grabs a water bottle and tucks it under her armpit as she leads Nya back out of the kitchen, “It was short most of my childhood.” She says conversationally, “Chemo started young so all my hair fell out, then after remission right as it started getting long I had a recurrence and had to go for another round. I kept it short out of habit for a while after that- not this short, maybe similar to how I had it cut in those old photos.”

Nya had long since stopped comparing Dot to Zane, but sometimes she’s still struck with just how different the two masters of ice were. When it came to difficult topics, you’d need a can opener to get Zane to cough up any details. Dot had no qualms discussing the traumas of her life, with only the great devourer attack being a sensitive subject- but even then, if you asked she was willing to discuss.

So why Nya thinks to herself am I so scared to ask about the Never Realm?

They go out to the garden along the side of the monastery, fresh flowers blooming and a sweet hanging screen hanging in the air. Dot settles down on the bench there, setting her crutches to the side and cracking her water bottle to take a sip. This had always been her favorite spot in the monastery, and doubly-so after the Never Realm. She sits out here in the sun for hours, soaking up the warmth and lost in thought. Nya sits down next to her, feeling only a little like she’s intruding.

“Are you okay?” she asks quickly, ripping off the bandaid.

Dot had her head back, basking in the sunlight when Nya asked. Her lips curl into a sad smile as she cracks her eye open to look at nya in her peripheral, “Of course not.”

And maybe this hesitation Nya was struggling through was rooted in that tiny little smile. That was the most emotion she’s shown in the days since she came back- a small, starved thing that struggled past the apathy settled like weights along her shoulders. That just wasn’t natural. Dot cried over spilt milk- she cooed at cute animals and pouted when she lost board games and laughed and smile so loud and so bright you knew she was happy two rooms away.everything Nya knows about her indicates the fall out should be an atomic bomb going off, but instead the monastery is quiet and still and Dot doesn’t do anything but sit out here in the sun.

“I’m sorry.” She offers again.

Dot sighs and Nyas never heard her sigh like that, either. A put-upon, tired thing. Exhausted, “I know you mean well, but i don’t really like to hear apologies when I’m having a rough day.”

Nya blinks. That was certainly news to her, “Oh, uh, I’ll try to stop then. Why haven't you said anything before?”

she closes her eyes again, “I heard it all the time as a kid. Started to really grate on my nerves, but I usually don’t say anything because I know it's largely a sign of sympathy. It feels rude to shoot someone's sympathy down like that… the truth is I just don’t like it.”

There’s a lull in the conversation. Nya doesn’t know where to go from here, so they just enjoy the sunlight together.

A light breeze ruffles Nyas hair right before Dot speaks again, “I know everyone is worried about me.” she states plainly.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be okay.” Dot reassures her gently.

Nya looks away, “After seeing you up on that throne-” Dot flinches, but Nya barrels on, “I just don’t know how anyone could bounce back from that alone. We’re here for you, all of us are.”

There’s another long silence.

Nya continues, “...if there’s one thing I've always thought I knew about you, it's that you feel your emotions very deeply and very openly. I haven’t seen you cry once since you got back.”

The breeze liberates a few flowers from the dogwood above their heads and the white flowers trickle to the ground like falling snow.

Dakota swallows thickly and sits up more, she hesitates for a moment before speaking, “...I have had a lot of bad experiences throughout my life, Nya. I don’t think I’ve gone ten years without a new tragedy.” She starts, looking down at her hands where she is twisting her fingers together as she strings together her words, “granted, this is much different than just another hospital stay… but after each of those events I just needed time. A lot happened here, most of it stuff that I feel a great deal of shame, pain, and guilt over. I’m working though my thoughts and emotions mostly internally right now, because I don’t think I could handle the fallout if I fully unbottled these feelings just yet.” She explains.

“I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to go through this alone.”

“I’m not. I actually do have someone I’ve been discussing things with-” Her eye slickers to air next to her, but Nya’s looking at the flowers drifting in the wind and doesn’t quite catch that, “and I've slowly been letting the pressure off. Think of it like cracking a coke a little and waiting for the carbonation to go down? That way it doesn’t go exploding out of the bottle.”

Nya chuckles a little at that, “I like that analogy.” The grin slides off her face as she thinks everything over and Dot notices.

“Listen, Nya… when bad things happen, sometimes the only thing you can do is accept that this is the way it is. I can’t change the past, I can’t stop what has already finished, but I can choose where to go from here.” Dot smiles weakly again.

Several long moments pass as Nya really absorbs what Dot says before she responds. With a small returned smile, Nya leans over and bumps Dots elbow with hers, “Well, please remember you don’t have to figure it out on your own. you’ve got plenty of people who are here to help, okay? We love you.”

“I love you guys too.” Dot smiles again, and it’s genuine this time.

#thats the way the cookie crumbles #ninjago oc dot #idek #cancer #spinchip fic

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eddiessluttywaist · 2 years ago

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desiderium

an eddie munson series

AGELESS/BLANK/UNDER 18 BLOGS ARE NOT WELCOME TO INTERACT. PLEASE RESPECT MY RULES AND BOUNDARIES.

summary: eddie’s odd, forgotten childhood friend seeks him out when he needs her more than he realizes.

pairing: bsf!mechanic!bartender!eddie x eccentric!bsf!fem!reader

word count: 6,118 words

content/warnings: eventual smut so MDNI, angst, fluff, swearing, loneliness, family issues, feeling unwanted, mentions of bullying, low self esteem, anxiety, mentions of inappropriate and abusive relationships from reader’s past (nothing detailed), mentions of relationships with an inappropriate age gap (adult men dating reader when she was still a teenager—nothing detailed), brief mentions of imprisonment, crying. i think that’s it!

a/n: sorry to say not all updates will be this quick 🫠 this is only ready now because i had already written a good chunk of it when i wrote part one. creds to whoever owns and posted those ^ photos! they’re not mine, i just made the collage!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5

“How’d it go?” Martha pulled herself up to get a better look at you, hands on the inner edge of the service desk.

She probably thought with how much time had passed, that things went well. That you spent time with Eddie while he worked, talking when he wasn’t too focused on something else. Maybe you went out to eat and caught up—surely that was why you were returning now when you had left to see him around late morning. It definitely wasn’t because you drove off after he snapped at you and didn’t even give you a chance to defend yourself. A prank? Why would it have been a prank?

It certainly hadn’t been so long because you couldn’t stand the idea of facing her with tears in your eyes and a waver to your voice. Surely, you hadn’t been crying and chastising yourself in your car in some random parking lot until you felt you could be seen in the outside world again. There was no way you were showing up now because when you were on your way to get more greasy food, your car sputtered to a halt because you’re an idiot who had the engine running the entire time you were in that parking lot.

She imagined your afternoon spent with Eddie—not a few strangers who helped you push your car to the nearest gas station (which was thankfully rather close, your only bout of luck thus far). You didn’t need to stop to cry a second time in one day (this time with the car off) just so you could get it out of your system before going into the market on your way back. And by that point it wasn’t even about Eddie. Okay, maybe a little bit, but mostly just because you were so overwhelmed by how everything was going wrong.

She was sure during all that time that you had successfully reunited with your long lost friend. But then as you trudged over, you pointed to your temple.

“Always better up here, right?” you murmured, voice tired and your eyes still somewhat raw.

“Oh, dear…,” she sighed, reaching to pat your hands that were now settled on the ledge where guests were greeted.

“I don’t… I don’t really want to talk about it…,” you admit, and she gives your hands a small squeeze. She can’t help but notice the scent of salt and grease—you definitely had a bag with cheeseburgers and fries waiting for you, probably settled on the floor beside your feet so you weren’t leaving oily stains on her countertop.

Maybe it was ridiculous to be so upset. Stupid emotions. Stupid, stupid emotions that you should be able to control by now. Maybe it was because you let yourself get caught up in your hopes more than you thought and now you were left not just disappointed, but humiliated too.

“Oh, I got you this,” you continue after what you hoped was a forgettable dab to the corner of your eye with the knuckle of your right thumb. You pull your purse to the side to grab a small brown paper bag—one that didn’t have stains collecting on the bottom. “They didn’t have tuna, but I know you said you like turkey better than ham so…”

“You don’t need to keep bringing me food,” she reassured you with a sweet smile, as if it didn’t make her day whenever you did. She wasn’t used to such a kind young girl being around—someone who thought to get her something to eat or listened to her stories with all the respect and attentiveness that makes a person feel like they matter.

“It’s rude to show up with food for myself and not for you,” you argued gently while offering her a weak, closed mouth smile.

“You still don’t have to, though… Why don’t you go lie down, hm?” Martha patted at your hands again before sinking back into her seat. “Rest up a little. I’m here if you need to talk.”

As you laid alone in your bed that night with your hair still partially damp after a shower—memories of your childhood flooded in. You hated feeling so utterly lonely and rejected. It only made you think of growing up which always made you feel worse. It reminded you of being all by yourself at ages where you really should’ve had your parents around, or at least a babysitter.

They hadn’t been ready to have a kid, not really. The couple had been all wrapped up in the romanticism and fantasy of starting a family, and didn’t listen when other parents shared stories to hint at the fact that it’s not that easy. You wondered if that’s when they started to hate you. When you cried all night when they wanted to sleep or go bar hopping with friends. When you’d spit up on them; or suddenly have a shift in your sleeping habits just when they thought they had a grasp on them; or when you constantly grew out of those clothes they swore they just bought. You were a waste of time and money. They looked forward to you growing up more than anything so they could leave you in the house and eventually kick you out of it.

Once you were old enough to make a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal on your own, they abandoned you as much as possible. Sure, you could handle a peanut butter and jelly or a bowl of Cheerios—that didn’t mean you felt secure in the house all by yourself. At first you would leave all the lights on to give yourself some semblance of security, but then they yelled at you over an electric bill you didn’t understand. Then you’d have “accidents” just so they’d come home—whether that was slicing your finger while trying to cut your sandwich or because you fell or something else you thought of. You found comfort in them being around even if they were pissed at you for being the reason they had to come back early. Then they stopped coming home when you called them crying. Instead, they reassured you that you were old enough to clean your finger and put on a bandaid; or that the fall wasn’t that bad if you could get up and go to the phone in the kitchen. So that ended up being a lost cause.

The habit that stuck the longest was from that little magic 8 ball you got one birthday from an aunt you never saw. It actually listened to you and gave you the reassurance and guidance you needed. When you were scared of the dark, you’d whisper “Do monsters exist?” and it told you no. When you thought you heard someone in the house just because it was settling, you’d ask it if someone broke in and it helped ease your racing heart with the same reply. Besides Eddie, it was your only companion. That stupid hunk of plastic.

Hot tears that you assumed were all spent earlier today stream down from your eyes and into your hair as your train of thought turns to one memory in particular. That night you shook the child’s toy with all your might as you asked it if your parents loved you. This time the familiar phrase scratched into that floating blue triangle wasn’t so comforting.

It was a flash. A blurry replay from the back of your mind, but it still hit you hard. You wipe at your wet cheeks with the feverish haste of someone who was crying in front of a stranger. No one was in the room with you, but you still hated the way it felt. You should’ve never let any of those tears fall today—that’s what made them real. That’s what cemented how miserable you really were.

“Just look up at the sky and blink if you don’t want to.” Eddie had said as he sat next to you on the pavement.

He had been teaching you how to skate and you fell off of his board, leaving your knees and palms all scraped up and bloody. You wanted to cry, but you hated crying. It made you feel like a dumb kid. Mom and dad hate dumb, crybaby kids. You should be able to control your emotions better than this by now.

“If they don’t slip out then they’re not real. They never happened, I promise.” The boy lisped around the gap in his teeth. He had lost his last baby tooth earlier that week. He was all grown up, you guessed.

“But what about when I can’t keep them in?” You whimpered, unsure if you’d be able to blink them back the way he suggested. The boy toyed with a piece of gravel between his fingers and shrugged lazily.

“I dunno. Just wipe ‘em away, I guess. I don’t have any tissues, but you can use my sleeve if you wanna.”

He pulled his long sleeve down until it was over his hand and offered his covered fist to you.

You huffed out a broken laugh at the memory and pulled your own sleeve down to continue wiping at your face. God, you missed him. He was your first best friend, and honestly your last. You had never felt that close with anyone else, and sure it was dumb because you were only kids but it still meant a lot to you. He was who you went to when you didn’t want to stay in an empty house, and even though most parents would throw a fit over a girl and a boy having sleepovers—yours couldn’t care less. At least someone else was in charge of you, even if it was Eddie’s dad who they thought was shit for reasons you didn’t understand.

He was a kind of intimidating looking character and sometimes he insisted you two stay at the local park until he came to get you when he had some friends on their way over (which you realized the implications of later), but he was a nice dad. You were around so often that he’d call you “kiddo” and ruffle your hair the way he did with Eddie’s buzzed scalp—which was more grabbing the fuzzy top of his head and nudging him around playfully than really ruffling hair. He knew you didn’t like crust on your sandwiches. He knew you liked strawberry milk more than chocolate milk, which Eddie appreciated cause it meant more chocolate Yoo-hoo for him. His dad was relatively busy and a little intense, but you liked him and you liked staying over.

Even at 24, you missed blanket forts. You missed making up stories under all the blankets and sheets as you held flashlights under your faces. You missed “camping” in the backyard. You missed wrestling. You missed watching tv until the American flag was fluttering and the national anthem played until the screen faded to black. You missed the anticipation of trying to see who was faster at turning off the tv before the screen flipped to those streaks of color and let out that god awful noise. You took turns to see who could get the closest to right when it was about to switch but before that noise could sound. You had the best score before he left.

You smiled lightly now as you settled into the bed, face still warm from all your distress of the day. Despite Eddie being part of why you had been crying in the first place, you still turned to memories of him to calm yourself down. You thought about when you were sure he’d be your first kiss—a decision you had made unfortunately a few weeks before he left. This was the kind of childish memory that made you roll your eyes, but deep down it actually made life simpler and sweeter so you still cozied up to it whenever you remembered. Reminiscing about when those kinds of things were new and exciting—without the burden of knowing all the mess that eventually comes with endearment—soothed you.

At the time, you were steadily approaching adolescence and starting to pay attention to romance novels and tv programs. It made having a boy as your best friend suddenly feel different in your stupid little prepubescent brain. The same shit he always did started to make you go shy and blush, and he’d nudge you and call you a “fuckin’ dork”. He was still in his “girls are gross” phase whereas you were already forming crushes. You developed crushes just about every day by the time you were in fifth grade, but you liked your best friend the most.

It’s funny actually—or maybe just sad—but you still had a habit of constantly forming crushes. The thought of being desired by someone thrilled you, but that love for attention put you in shitty situations sometimes. No one even liked you until you were maturing in a way that felt so much sooner and so much faster than the other girls by grade 6. Maybe that should’ve been the tell that the sudden interest in you was hollow, but it made you feel special. You kinda liked knowing boys fixated on you even if they were mimicking lewd comments they overheard their older brothers say or wrote about you in the boy’s bathroom—no matter how much you hated yourself for secretly basking in all of the attention.

It wasn’t always dumb boys in middle school, though, even if it would’ve been nice for things to be that basic forever. Eventually it was guys who were too old for you when you were in your late teens. The types who’d say shit like “That’s what you gotta love about high school girls. You get older, and they stay the same age,” and made you feel like you were grown and capable—when it benefited them, of course.

The nights you regretted getting wrapped up in the excitement of an older man or someone you had never met before at a bar or someone who had a bad habit of punching holes into walls awfully close to where your head was against the plaster—you thought about Eddie. You wondered if he grew up to be as awful as all the other boys you knew. If he turned into a creep or if he was the same, sweet boy who—sure, would hold you down and pretend he was gonna spit on you—but had also been taught to hold the door open for you or gave you a flower on your birthday or held your hands when he taught you to skate, promising that he wouldn’t let you fall. Well, except for when you insisted you were ready to do it by yourself. Then he said “Okay, but if you fall on your ass then you don’t get to yell at me.” And you didn’t yell, but he gave you his sleeve if you needed to cry.

There were parents who disappointed. Extended family you rarely heard from. Friends that came and went. Boyfriends who broke your heart, but best friends were forever in your mind. Wasn’t that why you made those bracelets and spit into your palms before shaking on the decision that you were always going to be there for each other?

Eddie’s shift dragged along after that strange young woman showed up. He knew his reputation. He knew that he was the butt of most jokes. He knew he was the town freak even when he had finally graduated and was trying to be a responsible adult. There would always be a few who remained unrelenting in their efforts to make him miserable, or at least that’s how it felt. And it wasn’t like you were someone he recognized as guilty for his constant harassment, but it wouldn’t be the first time some local asshole’s cousin or friend came to visit and was put up to the task of making him feel liked just for it to be some cruel punchline. He was tired of the jokes and the pranks and the muttered comments as people watched his every move. He needed to stay one step ahead or he’d be dealing with it forever. Why else would you pull him away from the back just to talk to him? He didn’t even know you. The frustration burned at him through most of his shift, which he took out on all the exertion he had to put into fixing that crappy Ford Ranch Wagon. He prayed that he would finally sleep tonight, the thought of a hot shower and an old bed waiting for him steadily bringing his mood back up.

Eddie sighed happily when it was time to clock out, holding the door open for Linda on her way out so she could lock up for the two of them.

“Night, Lin,” he sighed with a small smile that spoke of apologies for his constant grouchiness, and parted from her to head to his van.

“Oh, wait!” she suddenly called out, making him raise his brows and twist on his heels. He watched her make her way over to him all while holding something out for him.

“This was left for you by that odd girl who came by.”

At the mention of you, he scowled a little—certain it was a continuation of some joke, until he felt the plastic beads strung together on some string.

“Uh… thanks.”

“She looked real upset. All teary-eyed. Did you break up with that poor girl?”

“What?” Eddie’s head snapped up to eye her incredulously. “I—No! I don’t even recognize her. I don’t think we’ve even met before.”

Lin eyed him suspiciously before letting out a small hum. Men, she thought, although Eddie had always been a good kid, in her opinion—no matter what others said.

“Really, I swear.”

“Okay, hon… well go get some rest, alright?”

He hoped the same for her, and walked back to his car once she was safe in her vehicle and driving off. Eddie clambered into his old van and carelessly punched the button that turned on the light above his head. The bracelet in his hand was small and crowded with an odd assortment of different shaped and colored beads except for seven of the nearly identical beads that were lined up in the center. At both ends there were knots in the thick string to keep the beads from slipping off and had tails left on either side so you could tie and untie the bracelet whenever. Not that you two ever did untie them. The only time you took yours off was when you went swimming at the community pool and were scared you were going to lose it—and that didn’t count. You both promised it didn’t count cause you were just avoiding disaster.

He held it up to get a better look and read the lettering on those seven beads.

C-R-I-T-T-E-R

Critter. Eddie’s brows furrowed together and confusion was only welcome for half a second—maybe even less—before a pang of familiarity punched him in the gut.

“You’re doing it wrong!”

“How can I be doing it wrong? Will you screw off?”

“Eddie, you have to make a pretty pattern of colors, not just random mish-mash. See?”

You held up the bracelet you were working on for him with a pattern of his favorite colors: red bead, blue bead, black bead, red bead… and so on. His was just whatever bead he grabbed that he thought looked cool since you had so many to choose from. There were bulky wooden ones; those tiny little rainbow ones your mom let you have when her long necklace full of them broke (she didn’t want to clean them up so she promised you could keep them if you did); sunburst ones; chunky square ones that had letters and numbers on them; tribeads that were half in and half out of that thin plastic Beadery bag in your collection; and those dumb pop beads that he couldn’t even put on the string but of course kept picking up by accident.

“Screw off,” He insisted a second time and you rolled your eyes before continuing with your craft.

For all the shit you gave him, you loved the bracelet. Once it was done and he gave it to you, it was officially the most beautiful piece of jewelry you owned. You had insisted you two trade the bracelets like you heard the other girls in your grade talk about. You had to make them for each other rather than make your own and you had to tie them around the other’s wrist while they closed their eyes and made a wish.

Some of the boys in school gave him shit for it, calling him names for wearing jewelry he got from the girl in the grade below them. He didn’t care though. After all, Eddie wasn’t one to change himself for the sake of fitting in and he loved his bracelet.

He laughed a bit in disbelief now as he looked down at the bracelet he made for you back in 1975. You remembered him? God, he hadn’t thought of you in forever. Not to be an ass, but because it got too painful.

Among all of the stress that night his dad was arrested, he had been so overwhelmed that he completely shutdown. He was quiet and his expression was numb as he answered questions and packed his things. He was apprehensive and apathetic when he was brought to his uncle he rarely saw, but he didn’t cry. And he never told anyone this, but he never cried until a random thought of not seeing his best friend anymore suddenly set him off while he was trying to sleep. That was what made him realize the reality of everything that occurred. He didn’t have his home anymore. He didn’t have his dad. He didn’t have anything other than a new guardian and a trailer with one bedroom that Wayne had to pull all of his stuff out of so Eddie could have it. And he didn’t have you.

He brought you up a few times, but eventually stopped when he realized how stressed Wayne got over the mention of a trip into Ohio. A trip that meant dipping into his funds—that were already starting to run spectacularly low now that he was responsible for an 11 year old—for the gas money and probably a fee at the state line. Likely a motel room too, if your parents didn’t let them stay at the house.

How did he not recognize you? The more he thought over your interaction, the more he recognized your eyes and the shape of your nose and the curve of your lips even if they were fuller now. Little things here and there that even as an adult made it easier to see the bits and pieces of how you used to look. Here he’s been sulking in all his misery and loneliness, and he had completely scared off the chance to have an old best friend back. And Linda said you had tears in your eyes?

Eddie groaned as he let his head sink forward and rest on the center of his steering wheel. He didn’t even care about the horn that permeated the still night around him as self deprecating thoughts swirled before finally letting up on the button. This groan wasn’t a useless cry to the sky over the state of his life like the others so far, but rather a display of anger at himself for being such a dick. And he couldn’t even fix it. He didn’t have your phone number. He didn’t know where you were staying, if you were even staying. Did you move here? Were you just driving through the state and thought to drop by? Maybe have lunch and catch up before leaving again?

Why did he always have to fuck everything up?

You spent a good portion of your weekend sulking until Martha dragged you out on Sunday. You had been eating all the food you brought with you alone in your room and only went outside when you craved your bad habit enough.

“This has to be a violation of a paying customer’s privacy…,” you groaned as you rolled over and shoved your face into your pillow to avoid the light coming in full force from the windows. Martha had unlocked your door and came in to throw the curtains open to pull you out of your post-humiliation funk.

“It’s a beautiful morning. We’re going on a walk to take it all in and I’m taking you to that diner I keep telling you about.”

“I could’ve been naked. What if you came charging in here and I was laying here naked? Neither of us would’ve recovered. And our friendship would be ruined.”

“Oh don’t be so childish,” Martha huffed, hands on her hips. For an older woman she sure could be spritely when she wanted to be—whipping around your room the way she had been and insisting on a journey into the outdoors.

“It’s too cold.”

“Not when we start moving. It’s not even Autumn yet.”

“Technically the first day of Fall has already passed,” you corrected, still face planting your pillow and raising your hand up as you made your point before dropping it back down.

“Well the cold hasn’t reached us yet. I think you’ll survive. Come on, dear, it’ll be good for you. Good for both of us. I’m always cooped up at that desk.”

You sigh, but stay in your bed with all your plans set on sulking until the end of time. Until you were a pile of dust she was vacuuming up so she could get the room ready for someone else. Maybe you were being a tad dramatic, but you still felt that way.

“You want me to wake you up the way Howard did with our daughter? When she wouldn’t get up for high school?”

Now groaning at the thought of that cup of ice cold water trick she told you about, you huff and you finally force yourself up.

Despite your initial refusal to get out of bed, you were glad that Martha made you. It really was a wonderful morning and the smell of fresh air and the sound of the occasional leaf crunching under your feet refreshed you. Even with how deeply you despised being lonely, you had a habit of isolating yourself when you were upset and it could be quite destructive at times when you didn’t have someone to pull you back out of it. She didn’t even force you to discuss Thursday, just kept up casual chit chat like always.

And even if that walk hadn’t been enough to begin lifting your spirits, the food at the diner certainly would’ve done the trick all on its own. It wasn’t the prettiest joint around, but the breakfast was phenomenal. You wondered if she picked up on the fact that food and eating with others was a part of your love language. Being introduced to such an amazing local restaurant that clearly meant a lot to her soothed your aches of rejection and mortification.

Both aspects of the morning Martha forced you to take part in actually helped to improve your mood. What happened still stung but it was less “end of the world” and a little more “bump in the road.” With the fresh air, breakfast food and Martha’s pep talks—you were thinking of your next couple of steps forward rather than all the doom and gloom. You’d attempt to quit all the fast food that only left you more sluggish, and start finding other things to pay attention to. You weren’t giving up on Eddie, but you had to focus on your other needs again. This meant getting out of bed. Eating something other than cheeseburgers and fries, promising Martha you’d get other food Monday.

Well, maybe not Monday. You may have caved again, but you swore the next day. So on that following Tuesday night, you were at the market to pick up some things for you and Martha. There was a small fridge and a cabinet in your room that you could keep things in, and you offered to pick up anything she needed while you were out.

Peanut butter for you, cans of soup for her—oh, actually soup sounded good. With your sudden craving, you grabbed a few more cans. Milk for both of you, as well as cereal. Microwave meals for you, sardines for her—

Oh gross, sardines?

—Could you even stay friends at this revelation? You supposed you could since she let you bother her even with your fast food she couldn’t stand. But this fact wasn’t going anywhere. You were going to give her your best, most dramatic yuck when you gave her her groceries and you would have to insist that she never eats them where you can smell them.

You moved on through the list, and pushed your cart that fought you every step of the way to the bread and baked goods aisle. Why did you always get the cart with the squeaky wheel? The one that stuck every now and then and dragged against the linoleum before finally returning to a squealing roll? Bad luck, you supposed.

Once you were in the aisle, you double checked what brand she requested before letting out a sigh. Of course they were the loaves that were neatly stacked on the top shelf. Notepad paper crushed between your hand and the shelf you were using for support, you stretched up onto your tiptoes as best as you could to grab for one. You could easily grab the pinched end of one and just tug, but you didn’t want to accidentally squish any of them or make any of the others go tumbling. You’re about to step on the bottom shelf when suddenly a hand much larger than yours littered with heavy rings was grabbing it either from you like a dick or for you like a gentleman.

“Still short, huh?” You heard the rough, tired voice say from beside you.

You settled back on your feet and glanced at the man holding out the loaf of bread for you. He was in those dirty coveralls again with the sleeves rolled up, clearly from when he had taken the time to clean his hands and forearms before leaving his shift. His hair was out of its ponytail now so you could see it in all of its chaotic glory. As you accepted his kindness for Martha’s sake, you did your best to tamper your reaction to him being here. Whether it was any excitement over him possibly trying to fix things; or if it was intrigue over how his hair got so long and the fact that he had tattoos now; or if it was irritation leftover from how he treated you last Thursday. Had you still been familiar with one another, and this had been a small spat between friends, you probably would’ve just punched his arm.

“What? Come to yell at me some more?” You mutter. Okay so trying to keep a neutral stance wasn’t going very well.

You hear him exhale a quick sigh at your words and the way you refused to look at him. You had one elbow leaning against your cart now while you put all your focus on toying with the piece of paper in your hands. Folding and unfolding, smoothing out creases, lining up the edges of the paper and fixing the previous fold so everything fits better.

“No,” he replied in a defeated tone, but you still weren’t looking at him. “‘N I’m sorry about that, okay? Just wasn’t expecting it, and it’s not like you’re 9 anymore.”

“So I’m guessing you recognize me now?”

“A little, yeah,” He tried to be playful, a small smile tugging on his features until you looked up at him with that sad expression and he was deflated again. “Joke. Bad joke, I- of course I recognize you, Critter.”

You failed in your attempt to not smile at the nickname you hadn’t heard in far too long, making Eddie straighten out his posture again at the sight of your lips curving up.

“You still don’t have a poker face. That right there?” He points at your smile, while his own pulled at his lips “That’s how I won all of your best candy bars on Halloween.”

“You never really kept them from me,” You countered, head tilting back to fully look up at him now and your smile a little more sure.

“Of course not. Cause I’m a sucker and you can get whatever you want with a pout,” He laughed and you grew bashful as your cheeks flushed, ducking your head back down to try and hide it.

“Here,” Eddie sighed after a beat, digging into his pocket and pulling out a bracelet to drop in your palm.

Figuring he was returning yours to you, you were confused when you didn’t see your usual mix of beads. Your brows stayed knit together until you recognized those red, blue and black beads and the nickname in the center. Your features softened as you held out your hand for him to drop it into.

L-O-O-G-I-E

“You kept it…?” you murmured as you stared at the plastic bracelet like it’s treasure, before looking up at him again while your fingers brushed over the beads.

“Obviously,” he replied bluntly, pointing at it.

“Completely tore my place apart to find it so I could prove it, too. Not that my place is the neatest to start with, but…,” he let out a light laugh, head tilting and lazy smile tugging at one side of his mouth. He still smiled the same.

You eyed him for a moment, then returned your focus to the old jewelry. You felt oddly reserved with him after his initial reaction to your appearance at his work, and all the time you spent apart. You never had to work up the courage to speak to him before, or think about what to say or how to say it.

“10.”

“…Hm?”

“I was 10 years old. You said I wasn’t exactly 9 anymore, but it was actually a few weeks out from my birthday when you had to leave.”

“I guess that’s true, huh?” Eddie sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

Why were his arms so fit? And veiny? And why do you have to tilt your head back to see his face now? Ugh, you’re starting to feel like that young girl who read her first romance novel and was developing her first crushes.

“Yeah…,” you say simply, fearing you’ll make a fool of yourself if you try to say more.

“I’m sorry that all happened around your birthday.”

He was so sincere when he said it, but it made your eyes grow wide as you looked up at his face again.

“Oh god– no. No, no, no. Don’t apologize. That’s not how I meant that at all. You-- that wasn’t your fault. And it was worse for you than it was for me, for obvious reasons.”

“Yeah, with the convict dad and all. But it’s a real shame…,” he sighs with feigned disappointment. “Y’know… that you couldn’t kiss me on your birthday.”

That evil grin sunk his dimples into his cheeks and he sucked on his teeth while he clasped his hands behind his back. Your eyes might as well have been popping out of your skull at this point, your whole face heating up.

“I— you— how— oh, you dick!” you gasp at the revelation through all of your sputtering and punch his shoulder without even thinking, and certainly not noticing the elderly woman who huffed at your unladylike behavior before scuttling away. “You read my diary!”

“Yeah, well, you really should’ve gotten the kind that came with a lock.”

“So you don’t recognize me, but you remember a journal entry you shouldn’t have read? Great, that’s great, Eddie.”

You were turning around now, starting to push your cart towards the other end of the aisle. Roll. Squeak. Maybe it was time to head back to Ohio? Maybe you didn’t need such an obnoxious little shit back in your life. Drag. Roll. Squeak.

“I said I was sorry for not recognizing you,” he groaned and followed after you. “How much groveling am I gonna have to do?”

Oh, plenty. Plenty of groveling.

taglist: @mystars123 @h-ness1944 @ohmeg @milkymil-k

@eddiesprincess86

#eddie munson #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson imagine #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #bsf!eddie munson #mechanic!eddie #bartender!eddie munson #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson stranger things #desiderium part 2 #desiderium eddiessluttywaist #eddiessluttywaist #eddie munson angst #slow burn #slow burn eddie munson #desiderium series

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yuritsukikage · 2 months ago

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I’m having a mix of heartfelt sadness and some sense of anger (towards a certain company) right now

I know I’m mainly a Precure fan over here but I started my journey into the Japanese language, anime and manga when I first picked up and rented that Sailor Moon S DVD at a local hobby shop.

As I was watching the Region 1 DVD, I made a decision to try to watch it in another language because the old Pioneer DVD had both English and Japanese. I, a wee little depressed year 9 student was blown away by the voice acting from the Sailor Moon Japanese voice cast that I decided to look them up on the internet and find out the women behind these iconic characters.

What I realised was these women were not only around both my parents’ ages. They were in other anime that I literally grew up in, watching their anime in English. I decided to watch some of my childhood anime in those languages, just to hear how they performed. Spoiler alert: They we’re amazing.

And that’s how I started my journey into pursuing learning the Japanese language all the way to University where I graduated with a degree in that field.

The Sailor Moon Japanese voice cast were like those aunties (yes I am Asian) or older sisters (depending on the region) that you never knew but you connected with them through the anime that you have watched over the years. You watch them grow older seeing their public photos on news sites and social media through the events they attended, as you, yourself grows older.

The fact that we lost one of them in the 8th of September 2024 will be one of the most heartbreaking things to find out for me and a lot of people this year. Coincidently the shock announcement came on the birthday of one of the beloved Sailor Senshi makes it even more tragic.

Emi Shinohara was an fantastic seiyuu/voice actress. She worked in a lot of people’s childhood shows, many of us would have known her for her role as the ever reliable, ever strong Makoto Kino/Sailor Jupiter in the 90s anime of Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon (90s Sailor Moon for short). Others would have known her for Kaho Mizuki from Cardcaptor Sakura or if you’re old, B-Ko from Project A-Ko. However the majority of people (anime normies) would have mostly known her as the voice of Kushina Uzumaki from the Naruto Shippuden anime.

Her later years in life would really reflect on her roles she would later have with the aforementioned Kushina. A lot of younger seiyuu would have known her in Fafner (I hear that anime a lot on Twitter through some of the seiyuu involved and I know the character designer for Gundam Seed worked on the designs).

Probably the roles that really stood out for me personally asides her roles in Sailor Moon and CCS, would be an obscure 2007 anime called Claymore. That anime was one of those that the unfortunate case of “manga was still ongoing while the anime was airing situation”. However props to the casting staff involved in this anime because they brought in a chunk lot of veteran seiyuu that would get to show off their years of experience into this one single 24 episode anime. Emi Shinohara was no exception to this! She voiced the ax-crazy, hella insane, ultra mega bitch Ophelia and oh boy it was a ride and an experience to listen to her voice from the beginning right to the death of her character. I personally would recommend watching this anime for the voice acting in there, not for the anime itself because of its situation at the time.

Her music prowess was no joke either. Of the original 5 seiyuu of the Sailor Moon cast, she was definitely the most experienced and you can clearly experience it though the Moon Revenge live for a Christmas event that happened 31 years ago. She has released her own albums during the 90s as well and 100% she slayed on every character song that came to her during her active years in the 90s

I really cannot believe that Emi Shinohara has left us. The Sailor Moon community is definitely in mourning right now for this iconic voice actress. Our heart goes to her husband, Tokusatsu actor Hiroshi Watari and their only son who made a heartfelt and saddening message to Shinohara’s own personal Twitter account.

And our hearts also go towards the remaining 4 seiyuu of the original Sailor Moon voice cast, who out of the two who have social media, are currently in a state of devastation and sadness to have lost a fellow cast mate who they have worked and truly bonded together on the 5 years of Sailor Moon’s airtime from 1992-1997.

In particular fellow cast mate Rica Fukami who she considered Emi Shinohara as her twin, having being born on the same year, month and day. To the point they even have their own duo name together back in the 90s as Funky Twins, where they last year held a 3 day fan live together. Who would have thought that this would be the only time they would be together for such a special occasion. Let’s not forget the constant amazing and interesting quote tweets interactions between the two of them since Shinohara started her Twitter account a few years back from the constant birthday congratulations, to recently finding a hidden Sailor Moon treasure while Rica Fukami was in the middle of decluttering. The fact that we will never get this kind of interaction ever again is heartbreaking but it will live on through the past interactions that they have shared together.

I will briefly mention my anger towards Toei for losing this once in a lifetime opportunity to reunite the original 5 Sailor Moon voice cast for the 30th anniversary of the franchise. The fact that their last public reunion together was for a DVD commemoration in Akihabara, late 2009 has given me this sense of anger, frustration and sadness inside me that I will never forgive them for. And we will never have an opportunity like this ever again.

With that part out of my head. I will now leave this insanely long message with a single part of a message that Emi Shinohara’s son has written in that post on Twitter, “the name ‘Emi Shinohara’ will continue to live on as long as people remember her voice and the roles that she has portrayed”

Thank you Mrs Emi Shinohara for the past nearly 40 years of service to the anime and voice acting industry. We, the fans, will never forget you and we definitely will look back to the voices and songs that you have given us over the years. Rest in Peace. 🕊️💚

#sailor moon #sailor jupiter #makoto kino #seiyuu #voice actress #emi shinohara #bishoujo senshi sailor moon #pretty soldier sailor moon

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devilsrecreation · 7 months ago

Text

How many TLG Outlander incorrect quotes have I done? Here’s more anyway

Sumu: I know over 200 ways to kill a man

Kuumwa: You could glue an open jar of rats to his face and then blowtorch the other half of the jar so the rats have to eat their way out through his face :)

Sumu: …..201

Alternatively

Kenge: I know over 200 ways to kill a man

Sumu: You could glue an open jar of rats to his face and then blowtorch the other half of the jar so the rats have to eat their way out through his face

Kenge: …..201

Cheezi: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-

Cheezi and Chungu, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!

Goigoi: Our turn, Sumu! One, two, three- vanilla!

Sumu, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

Mzingo: Looking left cause you don’t treat me right

Janja: Looking right because you left

Reirei: Looking up cause you let me down

Kiburi: Looking down cause you fucked up

Jasiri: What is wrong with you guys

Janja: Hah! 69! You know what that means? Cheezi: What? Mzingo: That you're a child. Chungu: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

Sumu: Can I be frank with you guys?

Goigoi: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Chungu: Can I still be Chungu?

Tamka: Shh, let Frank speak.

Kenge: Why are Shupavu and Njano sitting with their backs to each other?

Sumu: They had a fight.

Kenge: Then why are they holding claws?

Sumu: They get sad when they fight.

Janja: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Chungu: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Cheezi: I got distracted about halfway through.

Nne, as Tano nods: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

(Royal Mjuzi au)

Kiburi: Are we really going to let Nduli keep Mwamba?

Neema: We kept Tamka.

Jasiri: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Mzingo: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Kiburi: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Janja: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Reirei: My moral code, is that you?

Jasiri:

Jasiri: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

Tamka: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Wakali: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Neema: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Nduli: I joined in on the dumb stuff.

Kiburi: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

Janja: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Reirei: Janja no.

Kiburi: Mistlefoe.

Reirei: Please stop encouraging him.

Ucheshi: If you had to choose between Makuu and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Kiburi: That depends, how much money are we taking about?

Makuu: Kiburi!

Ucheshi: 63 cents.

Kiburi: I'll take the money.

Makuu: KIBURI!!!

Kiburi: I trust Janja.

Reirei: You think he knows what he’s doing?

Kiburi: I wouldn't go that far.

Janja: Don't worry, I got a plan.

Reirei: Alright.

Janja: TraitorSayWhat?

Kiburi: Excuse me?

Janja: What?

Reirei:

Janja:

Janja: No wait-

Goigoi: Reirei, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?

Reirei: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later

Goigoi: Ok, I love you too, I’ll just ask one of the kids.

Chungu: What if mayonnaise came in cans?

Cheezi: That would suck cuz you can’t microwave metal

Janja: Good morning to everyone except these two furbrains

Ucheshi: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Makuu: I almost died.

Kiburi: That... was my favorite memory.

Reirei: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Janja: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

*Jasiri walks in*

Janja: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Janja: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—

Jasiri: Hi.

Janja: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

Kiburi: I'm not doing too well.  Pua: What's wrong?  Kiburi: I have this headache that comes and goes.  *Makuu enters the room*  Kiburi: There it is again.

*Kenge and Sumu are planning to break in somewhere*

Sumu: We need to distract the guards.

Kenge: Right.

Sumu: What are we gonna do?

Kenge: I'm going to break their elbows while you poke their eyes.

Sumu:

Kenge:

Sumu: Deal.

Human/Zootopia-esque au: trying to use the family/Kiburi’s computer

Dogo: “Password clue: Favorite child”? Oooh, ah, ouch…sorry, sis. This is awkward *types in their name, but gets denied* What?!

Kijana: Really??? *starts dramatically crying tears of joy* This moment is so much bigger than me! I would like to thank my parents and my manager— *gets denied*

Tamka: “Password clue: Best friend”? Oooh, ah, ouch…sorry, man. This is awkward *types in their name, but gets denied* What?!

Nduli: Really??? *starts dramatically crying tears of joy* This moment is so much bigger than me! I would like to thank my parents and my manager— *gets denied* Aw :(

The Outlanders trying to draw Jasiri:

Janja: I think I made one eye bigger than the other

Mzingo: I was going for a feeling

Reirei, with a perfect drawing: Honestly, I can’t even draw a circle

Kiburi: *shows his picture*

Janja: Okay Kiburi, you just drew yourself

Kiburi: I like me

Jasiri: Dammit, Janja!

Janja: What?! It wasn't me!

Jasiri: Sorry, force of habit.

Dammit, Mzingo!

Mzingo: Not me either.

Jasiri: Oh... Then who set the Outlands on fire?

Njano: *whistles*

Janja: We need to get through this locked door. Reirei, give me your credit card.

Reirei: Here.

Janja, pocketing it: Thanks. Kiburi, kick down the door.

*The group is getting into the car*

Janja: I’m driving.

Cheezi, out of view: Shotgun!

Chungu, turning to face Cheezi: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Cheezi: WOAH-

Cheezi, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

Fuli: What do you think Bunga will do for a distraction?

Kion: He’ll probably make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*Explosions and several car alarms go off*

Kion:....Or he could do that.

Goigoi: And now it’s time for... WHAT’S. IN. TAMKA’S MOUTH?

Never try this game. Ever

Tamka: Agahhhagg

Nduli: oh oh oh! It’s those napkins from that one chicken wing place!

Tamka: Uh uh

Chungu: Oh! It’s the entire country of China!

Tamka: *spits the thing out* No! It’s a piece of dental cotton!

Cheezi: From five weeks ago?

Tamka: Uh huh!

Cheezi: And now it’s time for Janja’s poetry beat

Janja: Eh, I don’t wanna

Chungu: But it’s your thing!

Janja: No, it’s not!

Cheezi: Yeah, it is. That’s why it’s called “Janja’s”, emphasis on “Janja’s” poetry beat!

Janja: Why don’t one of you do it this time?

Chungu: You don’t like my poetry!

Janja: Sure, I do! Come on

Chungu: Okay.

I sat down on the ground today

Baobab ball I was to play

But instead of rolling north or south

How’d it end up in my mouth?

Janja: You’re right. That sucked

Chungu: Will Shakespeare my butt

Kiburi: (on one line) Hello?

Tamka (on the other line): Hey, what’s up?

Kiburi: I need a little help, can you come over?

Tamka: I can’t. I’m buying clothes

Kiburi: Alright, well hurry up and come over here

Tamka: I can’t find ‘em...

Kiburi: What do you mean you can’t find them?

Tamka: I can’t find them, there’s only soup

Kiburi: ...What do you mean “There’s only soup”

Tamka: It means there’s only soup

Kiburi:Well, then get out of the soup isle!

Tamka: Okay! You don’t have to shout at me! (walks into another isle) There’s more soup

Kiburi: What do you mean there’s more soup?!

Tamka: It means there’s just more soup

Kiburi: Go into the next isle

Tamka: (goes into the next isle) There’s still soup!

Kiburi: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!

Tamka: I’M AT SOUP!

Kiburi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE “AT SOUP”?!?!

Tamka: I MEAN I’M AT SOUP!

Kiburi: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!

Tamka: I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!!

Kiburi: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!

Tamka: FUCK YOU!!!!!

Kenge: I’m not worried about silly things like labels. Animals can call me whatever they want. They could even call me little…..

Kenge: NEVER CALL ME LITTLE!!!!!

(Nduli leans in towards a sleeping Tamka)

Nduli: Tamka..Tamka...Tam-zebra.

Tamka: (wakes up) Gimme the leg! I want the leg!

Makuu and Ucheshi: (staring into each other’s eyes)

Kiburi: (rips the leg off of a kill)

Makuu: We’re having a moment

Kiburi: I’m having a snack

Goigoi: The good news is I named my nickel “Phillip!”

Janja: What’s the bad news?

Goigoi: It’s a girl nickel! :D

Janja: YOU BET ME FOR A NICKEL?!

Cheezi: But it was a shiny nickel!

(Hodari saves Njano’s life)

Njano: Bro... 🥺

Hodari: Bro... 🥺

Kenge: Can you guys stop making out and go get the chimps?!

Neema: [Could I give Tamka a -2?]

Tamka: For what?

Neema: [Just for being you]

Jasiri: You assaulted a 94-year old animal!

Kenge: He sassed me

Mzingo: Ooh, you have some pie! Would you mind if I have a piece?

Janja: Uh, sure. (gives Mzingo a piece of pie)

Mzingo: Can you pass the cool hwhip?

Janja: What’d you say?

Mzingo: You can’t have a pie without cool hwhip!

J Cool hwhip?

M: Cool hwhip, yeah

J: You mean cool whip

M: Yeah, cool hwhip

J: Cool whip

M: Cool hwhip

J: Cool WHip

M: Cool hwhip

J: You’re saying it weird! Why’re you putting so much emphasis on the h?

M: What are you talking about? I’m just saying cool hwhip! You put cool hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with cool hwhip

J: Say “whip”

M: Whip

J: Now say “cool whip”

M: Cool hwhip

J: Cool WHIP

M: Cool hwhip

J: COOL WHIP

M: Cool hwhip

Janja: YOU’RE EATING FUR!

Actor AU: Deleted scene with Scar and Jasiri

Director: Action!

Scar: Are you saying I’m stupid?

Jasiri: No…

Scar: Do I look. Stupid. To you?

Jasiri: *starts laughing* I’m sorry 😂😂

(Cut to next take)

Scar: Are you saying I’m stupid?

Jasiri: *starts wheezing* I’m sorry! *recomposes herself* I got it. No no, just do it again. I’m fine

(Cut to next take)

Scar: Are you saying I’m stupid?

Jasiri: *pointing* YES! *laughs*

Scar: This is the fifteenth take, I cannot work like this. I will be in my trailer…

Jasiri: I need a break

#damn long post #i have too many quotes that fit them dndbbdgd #a lot of these work in a zootopia/human au #i don’t think the outlanders are okay-#i had to do something with the actor au it was too fun #i don’t talk about mzingo too much so i wanted to include him more #tlg outlanders #the lion guard

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xenglitch · 5 months ago

Text

a comic on my feelings when i found out I might not be the first host of our system.

text written out below cut

"I think I'm not who I thought I was."

"Hey, I just wanted to thank people for the support on our last post. We really appreciate it."

"Seeing the amount of other P-DID systems who share our struggles & feelings was strangely validating."

"With how little P-DID experiences are discussed in the system community, our system has decided to share more of ours. Some will be very specific to us, some might be more general."

"I used to believe I was here for everything."

"That I was the first host."

"But over time I've grown to realize there's a pretty good chance I'm not."

"Basically all my memories of our childhood are blurry and hazy and in third person, with massive massive chunks just missing altogether."

[text in the thought bubble: "sibling's bday!" (in purple text top left), "a week or more ago" (in red text middle left), "some days ago" (in red text middle), "today" (in red text on the middle right)] "It's not like amnesia now, where I forget what happened a couple of days ago all the time but remember standout things, like a sib's bday party."

[text in thought bubble: "summer vacations w/ siblings??" "school enrollment?" "Legoland????" "meeting Spongebob, my favorite guy EVER, as a kid at a local park???" "things I have pics of or stories of??"] "I don't even remember standout things from our childhood. I only have pictures & stories from family."

"Most of the memories I do have are of horrible things that happened to us as a kid. Like being attacked in elementary school or..... you get the picture."

"If I wasn't the first host, I think I might've been a trauma holder, or a protector. I don't know."

"Everything after the move is so much clearer."

"I mean, I still don't remember everything, most of our life is still kinda hazy, but I do remember many things if I think hard enough."

"I feel like I lost my identity because for some reason the idea that I've always been host gave me some sort of comfort, and now that I don't know if that's true or not, I just .... feel lost."

"I wonder about the old host, if there was one. I wonder if they're dormant, or somewhere in the innerworld where the others can't see them."

"I wonder if the move was the breaking point for them, the crack that was just one too many, and made them leave front forever."

"And now I'm the new host."

"It's like my whole world has been turned upside down. Some things make more sense if I wasn't the OG host; others don't."

"But ultimately, it's OKAY if I wasn't who I thought I was."

#pdid #pdid system #system stuff #partial did system #partial did #partial dissociative identity disorder #benrey art #osddid #actually pdid #long post #benrey.txt #(i know this isn't specifically pdid but pdid kinda ties heavily into why i found comfort in the idea of being the only host we ever had)#(so i figured i'd tag it. sorry gang)#system art #system vent

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ohtobeleah · 2 years ago

Note

Be kind to us Leah. terms of Endearment is too good but please, be nice to us.

I make no apologies for this because I actually think it fits the whole fucking aesthetic of who I am as an author and this is the type of shit you come here for. So read up Bitches. Masterlist linked here.

Angst Ahead!

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~****~****

“Listen—“ Bradley squinted as he levelled with the two-year-old who sat in her high chair with her pouty bottom lip and watery eyelashes. Bradley swore he could get lost in the colours her eyes exhibited—slightly different shades of blues and greens and browns depending on what mood she was in.

Dot Dolan had been ripped away from her Christmas morning shenanigans playing with her abundance of new toys in favor of a quick breakfast. To you and Bradley this made perfect sense—for Dot? It was child cruelty.

“Nnoooooo—!” She cried as Bradley placed some cut up banana on her plate. Slicing the potassium rich fruit with a butter knife against the pad of his thumb. Rolling his eyes at the tantrum beginning before him. “Nooo—!!”

“Okay look, it just isn’t that deep alright?” Bradley chuckled as Dot tried to escape from her high chair, kicking her legs and crying her little heart out. She just wanted to play, he got it, after all it was Christmas morning. “Hey, okay now that's a little extreme don’t you think?”

“Wanna play! I wanna play Tooster I wanna play—!” She was getting outta hand. A little tornado erupting before him as banana chunks came flying at his face before falling to the floor. But Rooster was calm, cool and collected as he picked the chunks up and looked your daughter in her heterochromia ass having eyes and made a square deal. One that to him seemed a two year old would agree on.

“This isn’t up for debate Dot, I’ll eat my pancakes and you eat yours, mums gotta have a shower and when she comes back she’ll expect us to both be finished.” Sipping on the coffee he’d poured himself far too long ago for it to be enjoyable—Bradley broke apart the freshly cooked pancake just enough so Dot could use her fingers to pick up the pieces. “I’m sure if you eat all your breakfast like the good girl I know you are, mum will let you take one of your toys to lunch? Sound fair?”

Dot looks at Rooster who’s looking at her. Did he just unintentionally enter a staring competition with a two year old? He isn’t sure—but to his surprise she nods softly and picks up a piece of cut up pancake while she dries her crocodile tears.

“Otay Tooster—“ She got her way. Kinda.

“Atta girl.” Before Bradley could sit back and enjoy his own stack of pancakes, his phone is sounding off on the kitchen bench. Jake's name appears along with the stupid icon of his. Bradley doesn’t hesitate, knowing it was probably just a checkin call and well wishes for the holidays.

“Hey man, Merry Christmas!” Rooster beams through the phone. “How’s Austin?”

“How serious are you about Y/n?” Jake avoids the seasonal question and jumps right into the reason he was calling. Hiding from the rest of his family in his childhood bedroom contemplating jumping on the next available flight back to California. “I know I’ve been messing around and egging you on but I need to know how serious you are about her.”

“Is everything alri—“ Jake isn’t playing games anymore. He’s panicked and can’t stop thinking about the worst possible outcome. He needs to get back to you as soon as he can, even sooner if Bradley wasn’t all in.

“Just answer the fucking question Bradshaw!” Bradley here’s the way Jake's voice breaks on the other side of his phone. Something is wrong. “I don’t wanna ask you to help if you aren’t one hundred percent in this for her and Dot, I’m done messing around man—do you love her or not?”

Rooster knows something serious must have happened, he’d never heard Jake sound so agitated and serious before. But when it was about you and Dot he’d put himself on the line. He’d risk it all, but if Bradley wasn’t in this he needed to leave now and cut the crap before he got too involved. Too invested.

“I do yeah—yeah I’m as serious as I’ve ever been about anything ever, why? What’s going on?” Jake doesn’t answer right away because he’s holding back his own tears. He hates he’s this far away when you unknowingly need him to be there. “Jake? Hey man you gonna tell me what this is all about or?”

“Jaidyn transferred to North Island—“ Bradley’s eyes fall to the little girl sitting next to him in her high chair. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do to protect her. “Penny text me yesterday but I didn’t see it till after ma mentioned she’s run into the fucker at the store.” Bradley still hadn’t responded, he was too busy listening and watching Dot eat her breakfast. “I already called Penny, we don’t think Y/n should find out on Christmas that he’s found her.”

“I didn’t know he was in the Navy?” Is the only thing Bradley musters up. His head is running through a million scenarios. All ending with you leaving.

“We went through the academy together, high school even, I just never thought he’d be stupid enough to pull a stunt like this.” Jake mentioned only briefly, knowing when he got home he’d have more time to explain the ins and outs. “He’s a fighter pilot, dunno what he’s doing here but if you run into a guy with the call sign Zeus don’t engage.”

“Zeus?” Bradley scoffed as he ate one of the banana rounds he knew Dot wasn’t going to finish. “As in the god?”

“As in Zero Effort Unless Supervised.” Jake explained. “He’s had the nickname since before the academy.”

“Do you reckon he knows she's here? Or if it’s just a really fucked up coincidence?” Bradley could hear the water shutting off from upstairs, you wouldn’t be long now.

“He knows, he fucking knows she’s there he has to know.” Jake sighs through the speaker. Kicking the stump of his childhood bed frame in anger. “I need to know if you’re in this man, she’s gonna wanna run again—I’ve got Mav on it but he can’t promise anything will come of it.”

“I’m in, always Jake—come on bro you know me.” Rooster knew Jake was only doing his best from where he was. It was hard for him to accept he hadn’t done enough to protect you the first time but he just didn’t know how bad it was. How bad it got before you finally ran. And here he was again, unable to protect you.

“Rooster—“ Jake's voice was stone cold as it came through the phone. “He won’t hesitate to kill her if given an opportunity.” Bradley couldn’t breathe, he could hear you walking around upstairs, getting ready for Christmas lunch. “He almost did, far too many times and the last time he damn well almost did.”

“Got it, I won't leave her side, I’ve got her Jake—“

“And don’t stay a thing until I get back.” Jake made sure to remind Bradley who sat stone cold at the dining table in his best friend's home. “If at the very least she deserves a good Christmas for once in her life.”

“She deserves the whole world bro, the whole damn world.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

“Oh look at this.” Pete Mitchell had never seen a more wholesome site in his whole life. You and Braldey had just pulled up in the driveway of Pennys humble abode. Dot on Bradleys hip where she could be found most days when she wasn't in the mood to walk. Little lazy ass. It reminded him of Goose and the way Bradley would cling to his side at Dot's age. “That’s awesome Rooster–it actually looks like it fits too.”

“It's so cute isn't it.” You beamed as you carried the bag full of gifts you'd gotten for Bradley’s extended family. All neatly wrapped because you just so happened to have an excerpt teacher in all things gift wrapping. “Although I don't necessarily think it's foreshadowing her future career–but I'll allow it for now.” Odette was wearing her new flight suit, a small pair of Naval Aviator glasses to match adorned her face, her cheeky smile just made your heart melt as Rooster placed her down near the front door before she took off running inside. “I'd rather my daughter not risk her life for the thrill of it.”

“Get away, flying a jet is the most fun you can have with your pants on.” Bradley remarked as he took the bag of gifts from your hand before placing a gentle kiss to your cheek. “You ready to get your not so traditional Christmas feast on Fix it Felix?” You had gotten your name sake from the movie wreck it Ralph. That stupid little cartoon fucker Felix reminded one of your old co-workers of your inability to just go with the flow. You always needed everything to be perfect and accurate. Get the job done once and right. If someone went off the books about anything you used to lose your shit. It was your head on the chopping block if something went wrong and the guys at your old posting never let you rest.

It was your way of trying to remain in control of something, anything. At home you were anything but. At work at least you could pretend to have your shit together.

“So ready, I'm starving.” Bradley had stuck to his word. He never mentioned the phone call with Jake this morning. Although you did mention he looked like he’d seen a ghost with how pale he’d gone when you came downstairs. “I should have worn sweatpants, I feel like I'm gonna pop out of my jeans already.”

Pete welcomed you with a warm embrace as did Penny before they both turned their attention to Rooster briefly as you tracked down your daughter. In the living room with Amelia.

“You didn't say anything did you?” Penny asked with a little more seriousness in her tone than Rooster was used to. It was rather jarring if he was being honest. “Jake said he’d spoken to you–”

“Called me this morning.” Rooster interrupted as he pulled her in for a hug, kissing the top of Pennys forehead as he did. A mother figure he’d craved since his mother left earth side to be with his dad. “What the fuck–I can’t wrap my head around it.”

“I'm gonna talk to the Admirals on Monday but I don't know how much that’ll do.” Mav explained as Rooster took his uncle in for a hug. “For now we keep it quiet, keep an eye on her and just play it off like everythings as normal for her as it can be.”

Mav spoke sense—for once Bradley thought. He wasn’t about to be the one to ruin Christmas for you. He didn’t wanna be the one who told you your ex was in town either. He thought it would be smart to leave that conversation for Jake when he got back. You two had a far greater history that Bradley wasn’t even sure he was even able to register the expanse of.

If anything, lunch was bliss. Penny had cooked the most delectable glazed ham Bradley had ever tasted. Pete had made something called a Pavlova—it quickly became your ranking number one dessert and every single one of you indulged in so much food it had you all sitting at the table with a stomach ache. But it was worth it. Oh so worth it.

“How's house hunting going?” Penny asked from across the table as she played with the last few mouthfuls of the pasta salad remaining on her plate. “Anything yet?”

“Not for staff housing no—but I mentioned to Jake that I might look at a private rental closer to town. Won’t be as convenient as something the Navy owns but still—he needs his own space back.” You explained softly, Bradley had been leaning back on his chair—arm around the back of yours as he sipped his iced tea, the designated driver of the evening. “He says it all the time that he doesn’t mind but I can’t help but to think I’m imposing, especially when he wants to bring his latest conquest home and he’s gotta maneuver around all Odettes stuff.” It was the gentle sounds of laughter that warmed your heart the most, this was what you’d missed out on growing up. The family affairs that just seemed so perfect and unattainable.

“Did I even mention Hangman through me out of the Hard Deck once?” Mav was smirking as he took a sip of his beer and leaned closer. “Tossed me straight out on my ass—“

“You couldn’t pay your tan old man, what else was there to do?” Penny cooed as she looked at her Fiancé, beaming with so much love and admiration for the man beside her. If she looked closely, Bradley mimicked the way she looked at Maverick, only he was looking at you. “You guys wanna take some leftovers from home?”

“Little bit of everything Pen, if that’s okay?” Bradley answered before you had a chance to politely decline the offer. He knew you’d say no. Never one to want to impose or feel like a burden. “Foods too good to go to waste.”

“So what’s on for the evening guys?” Maverick asked as he helped Penny clear the table, you thought now would be the most appropriate time to start the process of cleaning Odette up from her wild time. She had food all over her face, in her hair, on her clothes and mushed between her fingers.

“Nice one baby—did you actually eat anything or just played with everything?” You mumbled as Bradley chuckled.

“Got an invite for a few beers over at Fanboys place later on in the afternoon but I dunno if we’ll go. Might even just head home?” Rooster was talking to Pete but at the same time he was asking what you wanted to do. His fingers melding into your shoulder as you cleaned up Dot who you’d moved into your lap.

“Whatever you wanna do Roo—“ It was just so easy with Rooster. “Dot needs a few hours to sleep though so maybe we just take it easy for a few and then call round to Mickeys?” For a few hours there—Bradley had even forgotten about the ever pressing matter that your Ex was in town. “Or if you just wanna pop around I don’t mind.” But at your casual mention of maybe not going, Rooster tensed slightly, you’d felt it briefly before he was shifting in his seat and clearing his throat.

“If you don’t wanna go we don’t have to go—but we’ll either go together or stay home together.” Was all Bradley said before he was leaning in to kiss your temple. You hadn’t put a defining label on what you were—all you knew at this point was that you liked Bradley Bradshaw enough to let him into your life and he seemed to reciprocate the feelings you gave him. Which was an odd sentiment to think about—love had never been easy for you, hell you didn’t even know if you’d ever really been in love before. But there was something so easy about Rooster. There weren't enough terms of endearment in the dictionary to describe him accurately. “Also your daughter is a con artist, she’ll probably pretend to sleep and stay up planning my downfall or something.”

“You’re just upset she got her way this morning—don’t give into the tears, Bradshaw, she knows you cave easily.” You couldn’t help but to bounce Dot on your knee a few times as she played with the doll she got from Santa. The toy she’d selected to bring to lunch. The toy Rooster had said you’d let her bring if she stopped crying and ate her breakfast. “Don’t you little miss? You’ve got Rooster wrapped around your little finger don’t you?” You cuddled into Dot as she giggled and squirmed.

“She’s not the only one.” Mav smirked as he thumped Bradley on the back of the head. “I confiscated his phone the other week and you wanna know what he was looking up?” Pete asked as he stopped and turned his attention your way. Pointing the knife he held in his hand at you to emphasise just how much Bradley Bradshaw was down bad for you. “He was looking up if Broncos were safe for toddlers—“ Oh. Now that was precious.

“I was just doing my research!” A gentle hue of bright pink flushed Rooster's cheeks as he hid his face in your shoulder.

“On my time!” Mav laughed. “Never seen him so distracted before a run—boy can’t even fly straight on a good day, now he’s too busy researching car seats that fit a bloody Bronco to focus on the parameters being set.”

“Okay, do I need to remind you who saved your museum piece having ass a few months ago?” Bradley was quick to fire back as embarrassment riddled his veins. “Or do you wanna shit on me some more?”

“Well if you’ve offering.”

“Pete, enough—“ Penny broke off the not so serious fight Maverick and Rooster were messing around with. “Leave the boy alone, he’s got his priorities—at least it didn’t take him a million years to figure them out.” Your eyes grew wide as you tried to hide your smirk. Bradley didn’t try for a moment to mask the laugh that rumbled in his chest. His smile true and as authentic as ever. “Cut the shit will ya?”

“We better get going.” You sighed when Penny handed you a whole bag full of Tupperware containing all sorts of leftovers that would feed you for days. “Thank You so much for this Pen, you don’t know how much I appreciate it—never had a Christmas so perfect.”

“You are always welcome here dear, as is Dot.” Penny beamed as you stood and gave her a hug. It wasn’t long after that that you and Bradley were saying your festive goodbyes in the drive.

“When’s Hangman due back?” Mav asked, having pulled Bradley to the side as you clipped Dot into her car seat. Jake's car the vehicle of choice. It was just easier to take his than to fiddle around with removing and refitting the car seat. Although Rooster kicked up a hissy about it.

“Not till Thursday, but he said he might come home earlier since things have changed, I’m just gonna make up an excuse or six to hang around—don’t wanna leave her at home alone.”

“Good, good strategy.” You turned around just as Oete was bringing Bradley in for one final hug. “Protect your family, nothing is more important.” He whispered and that stuck. You were Bradley’s entire world now, you and your little girl. You were his family.

And he’d lay his life on the line for you if he had to.

***~***~***~***~***~

“Good Charlotte, really?” Bradley scrunched his nose as the beginning beats of Good Charlottes ‘Like Its Her Birthday’ played through the Bluetooth from your phone. “Y/n—seriously surely there’s a better song.”

“Nope!” You beamed as you turned the sound up, stopped at the T-intersection red light just a few short minutes from the turn off to Jakes street. “It’s now a classic—“ Humming along as you turned to see if Dot had conked out yet, she had. “She looks like she had a good day.”

“If I were her I’d say absolutely.” Rooster settled his foot on the break a little heavier, not wanting to move an inch as he turned his attention towards you for a brief moment. “Hopefully she remembers even just a little bit of it.”

“I don’t think she will, more for me though, at least I’ll remember it.” You couldn’t really remember a moment where you’d been so content before. You had your daughter who was just so perfect, you felt safe and able to be yourself after so long of just surviving. You had Bradley and Jake and all these beautiful people around you, finally. You felt home.

“Hey–” Reaching out for the volume button you turned it down before settling back into your seat. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“What's on your mind Fe.” You still hadnt quite gotten used to the fact Bradley wanted to know what you were thinking, how you felt. Those two things were never something that ever seemed like a priority in your last relationship.

“What are we?” It wasn't that Bradley was taken aback by the question in and of itself. No. He was just taken aback at how quickly and how softly and under your breath you said it. Like you were afraid to ask in case his reaction and answer was anything less than what you had hoped it would be. “I only ask because I wanna make sure I'm not reading into anything wrong, we just haven't laid out what we are to each other and I dunno–I don't wanna misinterpret anything.” There was a second of silence that filled the car and for just a millisecond you felt yourself drowning in it before Bradley shook his head and laughed softly. Not at you, but at himself. “What's so funny?”

“You want the truth?” He questioned as you nodded, although you weren't too sure if you really did want to know. What if Rooster was about to say he’d changed his mind. That he wasn't all in. that you weren't good enough or worth the risk. That as it turns out you were exactly what you said you were, a broken shell of a woman who was only just starting to see the glimpse of a light after being battered and beaten for years. That you, funnily enough–weren't actually worth Bradley Bradshaw's time after all.

“I'd appreciate it, all the cards on the table.” Again, the silence was so heavy it felt like the weight of the world had settled on your shoulders. Bradley was the first man you'd ever given the time of day to besides your ex. Maybe you had rushed things, pushed too soon. Fallen too hard too fast and it was all about the blow up in your face like you knew it eventually would.

Chuckling softly, Bradley shook his head as he groaned out a sigh, not in frustration or resentment. But in the softest of ways because he should have made it clear as day so much sooner. He shouldn't have let you get to a point where you had to ask what you were.

“Well alright then.” He began, still parked at the lights. “I've never been so unconditionally in love before.” Wait, what? Were you hearing this correctly? “The day I met you? When you told me to fuck off because I was being too loud and you were trying to sleep, thats when I knew I wanted you in my life.” You couldn't believe what you were hearing. “Which probably makes it sound like I have a beratement fetish, which just isn't true, but I just wanted to get to know you and when you started letting me in I started to see just the most amazing woman.”

“Rooster–”

“Oh no, no I'm not finished sweetheart.” You felt the heat rising in your cheeks at the term of endearment that so easily slipped past Bradley’s lips. “I can't get enough of you and all the weird shit you do, from the way you harass everyone about their upcoming services to the way you always move those goddamn shower heads in the changing room so that your hair doesn't get wet if it's not a wash day.” You couldn't breathe, did Bradley really notice the small things like that.

“I wouldn't have to harass you all if you'd just follow the service roster properly.” Mumbling under your breath you smirked wildly, so in love.

“And then there's Odette–” Oh. This was where the Penny dropped wasn't it. Bradley didn't want a kid that wasn't his–he was gonna say something like he’d date you if you were a mum wasn't he? That he didn't want the package deal. “And she is just the most amazing little girl Y/n, you don't know what I'd do to protect her if I had to.” Oh, yep. No that got you far too good. You hadn’t noticed you were crying until Bradley reached over to cup your cheeks in his hands, wiping the tears that fell freeling with the pads of his thumbs before he leaned in to kiss you through a sob that tried to escape.

“I've never loved two people more in my entire life the way I love you and your daughter Y/n, so hear me know when I say–come heaven or hell I am in your corner and I am all in and I don't know what you're comfortable labelling what I am to you and Dot but I'm here and I'm obsessed with you and if you let me I’d never leave your side.” Bradley was pouring his entire heart out so much so he hadn’t noticed the light turn green until the car behind him was honking at him to move. “Shit.” He pulled away and took his foot off the brake, accelerating so he wasn't holding up traffic any more than he already had been. “You don't have you answer me right now, I know you've been through alot and still haven’t told me everything but god I’m in love with you Y/n, to the point where I know if Jake didn't tell me how stupid I am every day I would've asked you to marry me by now.”

“Are you serious?”

“Where in that declaration of admiration did I stutter dear.” Bradley beamed as you sat next to him, soaking it all in with a smile so bright he’d never seen heaven open its gates in the form of a smile before. “You’re all I want, your daughter too–I don't think I could ever not love you both now that I've met you.”

“I want to say it back.”

“No– no you don't have to, and believe me I won’t ever expect you to but–” Rooster caught the sight of something that shouldn't have been coming his way in his peripheral vision. “FUCK!!” He shouted as he saw the car coming at the driver’s side, reaching out to throw his arm across your chest at the collision. Jolting you both as the car spun out in the middle of the intersection.

He had the right of way—he followed the rules, wasn’t reckless because he had such pressure cargo. But here he was. A bloodied nose with a horn that wouldn’t shut up from the airbags that had been deployed.

“Y/n?” Bradley crocked out as he came to, not sure if he was out cold for two seconds, two minutes or two hours, but the sound of Dot screaming in the back seat had his heart lurching out of his chest. “Hey, shhh—you’re alright sweetheart, it’s okay.” Bradley smiled as he turned to see if Odette was still in her seat. She was. From what he could tell? She was unscathed, just shaken. “Y/n, baby you with me?” He groaned as the seatbelt crushed his ribs. It had done its job a little too well if you asked him.

“Mmmhmm—“ You groaned as you slowly sat up, your head in the mess of a deflated airbag. Nose bloodied like Bradley’s. “What the hell happened?” You asked dazed before you heard Dot screaming again. “Oh baby, no no mammas here, don't cry, S’okay yeah, we’re all okay, aren't we Roo?” You asked, tears in your eyes as Bradley nodded. He was good. “I'm coming okay, it's alright, you're okay.” Odette was inconsolable as she screamed out for you, crying her heart out from her spot behind Braldey. Fuck if that car had hit you any further up the side panel theres no telling what could of happened.

“Don’t move, what if you’ve got a spinal inju—“ It came out of nowhere, but it had sent you against the window at a speed that probably wasn’t too good.

“My daughter is more important.” You snapped before Rooster could finish his sentence. It wasn’t a conversation you were going to have. You needed to get to your daughter, unclipping your belt, opening your car door, taking a few short steps around the hood of the car before whoever had so stupidly hit you was getting out of theirs.

“I’m so sorry—“ He began apologising as you focused on getting to Dot. “I wasn’t watching and—Y/n?” You knew that voice, that tone. Stopping in your tracks you met his eyes. The man who stood before knew in that moment he still held so much power over you because for a split second you stumbled. Catching yourself as panic rose in your chest. “Found you baby, I’m so happy I finally found you.”

“Jaidyn—“

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Tags: @a-serene-place-to-be @lilyevanswhore @thescarletknight2014 @blindedbythelightt t @averyhotchner @emma8895eb @blairfox04 @caitsymichelle13 @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo @teacupsandtopgun @aemondssiut @feltonswifesworld87 @akalei349 @notjustsomeblonde

#terms of endearment// bradley bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x y/n #top gun bradley bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw #top gun rooster #rooster x reader #bradley bradshaw imagine #rooster bradshaw imagine #bradley bradshaw fanfiction #bradley bradshaw x female reader

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oldworldwidgets · 8 months ago

Text

TEDDY TIME TEDDY TIME

howdy pardners this is theodore dawson, my courier from new vegas :3 he is very large and very angry yet very soft and very gay and he is so precious to me

here's his playlist!! once again it's chronological so u can listen to his story like a fun yeehaw jukebox musical. i think his is my favorite of all my character playlists

alllll the teddy stuff (appearance, stats, story before the canon events of the game, fun facts) can be found under the cut!!! if you feel so inclined to read The Long Version written like a story where my longwinded ass spends about 7k words talking about themes and character motivations (and some soft gay longing perhaps), it's up on ao3 here.

appearance

41 years old; birthday may 3, 2240

6’6 with broad shoulders, generally built like a securitron.

patches of vitiligo splash across his face, chest, and arms

bennys bullet hit the right side of his face, carving a path from his eye to his ear, where a chunk of his ear is missing

because of this, he's blind in his right eye. the blind eye (a light, milky blue) is always a bit more closed than the seeing one (a dark, warm brown)

dark auburn chin-length hair and a short beard, both peppered with white because of his age and vitiligo. a big chunk of hair behind his ear is white as it grows from the scar.

he wears a horse or cow-skin vest with a great khans patch on the back

signature black cowboy hat, either on the top of his head or tied around his neck so it hangs down his back

gold jewelry - dangly cross earring in his left ear, upside down cross on a leather strap around his neck, big ass belt buckle

bright red shotgun shells on leather belt slung around his waist for his shotgun, dinner dell

stats

SPECIAL: 8, 1, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10

favorite perks: confirmed bachelor, animal friend, ferocious loyalty, intimidating presence

story

his dad was raised in utah and was very strictly mormon. when new jerusalem collapsed, dad moved himself, his wife, and his first son to the mojave and found work on an NCR sharecropper farm.

teddy was born fifth of six kids: four older brothers and one younger sister. he, his sister hannah, and his brother noah all have very visible vitiligo.

the kids were all also raised strictly mormon. his whole childhood, they were very poor. "at least we have each other" poor. his dad blamed it on the NCR, who owned the house and land and animals they ranched. they owned nothing, and the NCR paid them little more than that. teddy was quickly disillusioned with the NCR, then with the three of his brothers who decided to join them. one brother stayed back to inherit the ranch.

turns out, the NCR was paying; dad was just gambling it all away. he was so deeply in debt to all the families on the strip that they all decided to cut their losses and burn his farm to the ground.

that's... that's the story teddy decided to tell hannah, anyway (he wouldnt tell u this but he totally burnt that shit down on purpose). mom, dad, and one of his brothers were lost in the fire. teddy and hannah made it out, waved goodbye, parted ways.

teddy took his horse, old red, and began running jobs for whoever needed them. he never tied himself to one organization aaand his jobs weren't always above the ethical board. really, it was luck of the draw that, on any given day, he was the one defending the caravan instead of stealing from it

when he eventually went searching for his siblings, he found that two of the three brothers that had enlisted, predictably, were killed on duty. noah, though, had absconded almost immediately upon arrival due to a nasty chem habit

he found hannah "working" in front of gomorrah on the stip - her vitiligo made them instantly recognizable to each other - but she pretended not to know him because she was ashamed. he understood and gave up, but not before she hinted that he could find noah at the old mormon fort

he did, in fact, find noah there, medically detoxing under the care of some hot, blonde doctor (bweheheh....). they reconnected and it was..... really nice, even when they talked about how ashamed their dad would be if he could see them. it didnt matter. the family disappointments were the only family survivors.

teddy and arcade quickly grew very fond of each other, with arcade even being the first one to call him "teddy" after he told the doctor his name was theodore. he decided, despite its cutesy nature, to keep it.

after finishing his open jobs, teddy decided to stay with noah at the fort and run jobs for the followers when they needed it. he got reeeal comfy with arcade, and their subtle, playful flirtations eventually became noticeable to others. his brother, angry and sick from chem withdrawal and still fighting his religious upbringing, could not handle finding out that his baby brother was gay. when he did, he angrily shouted slurs and threw bottles at them until he was sedated and returned to bed.

teddy left the fort that night while everyone but the night watchman slept. he struggled to recover from what happened and drifted listlessly for a while... until he heard the news that noah had fled from his "rehab" program in the fort the day after teddy left, overdosed, and died.

the news spurred something in him, and he went looking for a real family and place to call home. after excelling in his initiation trials, he found one with the great khans. for two years, he was their resident rancher, runner, therapist, you name it.

then: 2278. the bitter springs massacre. teddy was away when it happened, and he still hasnt forgiven himself for it.

he spent the next three years drifting - again. hunting NCR. somehow racking up bounties in seemingly every single tribe in the mojave. his infamy, believe it or not, helped him survive: when he came across those who would kill him or turn him in, they seemed to prioritize who got to turn him in and collect the bounty over keeping themselves alive. whoops!

it was exhausting, though. drifting, killing, taking on the wasteland completely alone (except his beloved animals) took a heavy toll on teddy. he'd always been a killer and an outlaw, but he'd always been paid to clear other people's consciences. now, he felt he was only killing people to run from the consequences of his own actions. it was exhausting.

so, when three strangers – one in a loud, black-and-white checkered blazer – tried to knock him out and bind his hands, well… he had no reason not to let them.

*aint that a kick in the head starts blaring*

fun facts

hes not a big chem guy but hes such an alcoholic. in game he keeps at least 10 whiskeys on him at all times but would prefer to drink a sarsaparilla over using a stimpak.

he needs glasses pretty badly for his one seeing eye but he’s too stubborn to wear them

his scars always look a bit irritated because he doesnt take care of himself

he was a big pistol guy before benny shot him, but after he went blind in his aiming eye and started suffering from bouts of dizziness, he became a shotgunner. they require a far-from-perfect style of aiming

#BEHOLD: TEDDY #tw: religion #tw: overdose #not teddy but an important (non-canon) character #oc: teddy #fallout new vegas #new vegas oc #fallout oc #fnv oc #fnv courier #arcade gannon #courier three #followers of the apocalypse #courier 3

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hunterisnearme · 6 months ago

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(post ask update) Ok so i realized you made more post about greyed out than from what i saw from looking at a few tags. a general plot summery would still be nice tho.

Whew! I can try my best to explain the Grayed Out series (Or Greyed Out, since I keep changing it up here and there but there's no wrong or right way of saying it.)

Grayed Out! Or just "The Grayed Toons" is a prequel to my other side series called "Defect", which is basically a story of how a cog becomes a toonbot and tries to regain memories she lost during her younger years.

Unfortunately, I lost a HUGE chunk of page info due to my hard drive dying on me so a few pages is lost media. Defeated, I placed this comic on the back burner and worked on Grayed Out!

Grayed Out ventures into the other perspective of a faction switch out, mainly involving the Grayed Toons Kat, Ruff, and Snaps. This is lead on by a head leader named Richard Hendrick Clark, better known as Reality Check, a Boardbot Manager who wishes to turn toons into obedient peons for C.O.G.S Inc.

Grayed Out explains the practices of dubious incidents linked to Reality Check, and brings out a spur involving the character Rayne Velvetenne, who eventually turns into a Toonbot named Red in "Defect". Reality Check works as a side henchman and engineer for Robert Cyger, who he secretly despises. The Grayed Toons are Reality Check's goons who he sends out to try and push toons out of homes and playgrounds throughout their story. Most of this involves robberies, bullying, and even property damages.

With this rotten behavior persisting in the series, this brings in the Toon Resistance Force involved to discover the dark side of C.O.G.S Inc.

Furthermore, Grayed Out is also a big metaphor over how modern childhood things are being "soiled" and making it difficult for kids to be kids. In a way, this plays a role of how society "force ages" the mental states of kids in today's modern world. This involves exposing vulgar themes, condoning the normalization of drugs and other forms of violence being casually placed in media without monetization, and child neglect. It's a whole shtick I've spit-balled into the series, which will be a consistent role in the story in terms of metaphors.

I hope to persist on the story for as long as I can! I just pray I don't lose a good chunk of stuff like I did with Defect. At least we get to see Ciao AI in "Defect".

#my art #toontown corporate clash #toontown #ocs #asks #anon #reality check #red velvetenne #kat skratch #ruff #snaps howl #grayed out!#long post #THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO ELABORATE THIS AT SOME POINT I needed to honestly

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stories-and-chaos · 8 months ago

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Tarnished pt 17

[Helluva Boss AU where Blitzø’s childhood theft from Stolas’ palace is discovered and major consequences ensue for everyone involved.]

[Part 17/?? Word count: 782 Cw: mild language]

—————

Twenty-two years ago, the day Blitzo was hired by the Goetia.

Fizzarolli had performed in a few more acts after Cash took Blitzo off. Something about a royal wanting a playmate. It was harder, performing without his friend. Yeah, Fizz was better at all the techniques, but there was an underlying nervousness to the boy. Having the ever confident Blitzo there helped. The audience didn’t seem as big, it felt more like they were practicing together.

But Cash had basically dragged Blitzo away. And Cash was the boss, the ringleader. While they were away, Cash’s understudy kept the show going. Fizz did his best, pretending Blitzo was just on the other side of the curtain.

After the last act, everyone in the circus was cleaning up, getting food and the acrobat who was their accountant was tallying up the day’s take. Cash stomped back among the tents, telling everyone to pack up. While confused, most of them complied. The acrobat accountant and the horse trainer were among the small group of protesters.

They, along with the juggler/cook, the contortionist in charge of costumes, and Blitzo’s mom, were all following Cash. Even as he was giving out orders, the five were demanding answers. “We’re supposed to be here another two weeks, what’s the big fuss, the hellhorses just ate, we gotta give them a bit before we harness up, where is Blitzo, let people have dinner before we take off boss, where is my son?!”

Cash mostly brushed them off, just saying that shit happened and they needed to leave. At his continued insistence, the four performers gave up and started their own preparations. Cash’s wife wasn’t giving up.

“Where is Blitzo, Cash?” She grabbed the shorter imp’s arm as they entered their family tent. “Fizz said you took him to a royal estate? Without asking me? So where is our son?”

“Tilly,” the older man hissed, “the boy’s staying with the Goetia. He decided he likes being the blueblood’s pet more than being our family.”

Fizzarolli and Barb, Blitzo’s twin sister, looked at Cash in shock. “What?! Papa, are you sure Blitzo doesn’t want to come home?” Barb ran up to her father, not sure if she heard right. Fizz was stuck in place, his tail winding around his legs. It felt like a chunk of ice dropped into his belly.

Did Blitzo like this royal more than Fizz? They were best friends, he did everything with Blitzo. But being with this royal kid for a day was enough to make him leave home behind.

Cash was looking down at his daughter, making his eyes big and sad. “Yeah kiddo, he said it’s much better there, not being at a run down circus. I tried to get him to come back to you and your momma and Fizz. But he wouldn’t come outta that big fancy house, said he doesn’t need us. The prince’s daddy gave us some extra money for us to leave the Ring.” Both children started tearing up as Cash told them about Blitzo’s betrayal. “So pack up your junk so we can get lost.”

Barb rubbed her eyes. “Okay Papa.” She took Fizz’s hand and tugged him over to where their gear was. “I’ll help you pack Fizz.”

Tilly was not having any of the nonsense Cash was spewing. Her face was nearly black with the ichor flushing her cheeks. She rounded on her husband once the kids were out of earshot.

“That is the biggest load of hellhorse crap I’ve ever heard in my life and that’s saying something considering how long I’ve known you.” She jabbed a long finger at his shoulder. “Blitzo is scared of royal demons, there’s no way my baby would stay there. So what’s really going on Cash. How much trouble did you get our boy in?”

He grabbed her wrist, making the bones creak under her skin. “Don’t you dare talk back to me. Don’t even think about questioning me. He’s gone, never coming back. Get used to it, Tilly.” He shoved her backward, knocking her to the ground. “And get our shit packed or you might lose your little girl too.” He grabbed a bread roll and a hunk of cheese before leaving the tent.

The entire troupe was packed up and on the road before midnight. Every member was used to quick tear downs and departures. Midnight moves weren’t uncommon either and darkness wasn’t much of a problem for imps or their animals. Cash had them heading to Greed for now. It had been years since they performed there, but they’d made good money at the time.

The All Imp Circus never went back to the Pride Ring.

—————

<<First <Prev Next>

#helluva boss #helluva blitzo #helluva fanfiction #helluva au #helluva fizzarolli #fizzarolli #barbie wire #blitzo #blitzø

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tattooedlane · 25 days ago

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I finally watched Free! for the first time, so here are my unasked for opinions on the characters’ “totally not gay” relationships, PART ONE!

(Disclaimer: everything moving forward is simply based on headcanons. The characters are not canonically queer so these words are not fact.)

Rin and Haru

From Season 1, Episode 1 to Season 2, Episode 11, I was a RinHaru supporter.

Rin and Haru had such an intense relationship with one another. They both yearned to swim with one another and were each other’s inspirations to swim!

At the beginning of Season 1 when Haru was lost and confused after Rin said they would never swim together again? Broken!

The moment in Episode 12 when Rin and Haru tackled eachother and expressed their feelings about wanting to swim together again? A masterpiece!

During “Free! the Final Stroke” when Rin and Haru weren’t talking because Rin was “leaving Haru” again? And Rin was moping around all of Tokyo wishing to talk to Haru? The DRAMA!

In terms of Makoto: during Season 1 and “High Speed!”, it seemed that Makoto was just Haru’s best friend who loved him but knew Haru’s heart yearned for Rin.

BUT THEN!

Makoto and Haru

Season 2, Episode 11, a switch is flipped! Because THAT is the episode where Makoto tells Haru he decided to go to Tokyo for college. And Haru is hurt. He is lost. He has no idea what he wants to do and now his best friend is going to leave without him!

Even watching Episode 12 when Haru and Rin were in Australia, the romantic vibes I had projected seen were no longer present. Rin was there to support Haru as one of his best friends.

At the beginning of Episode 13 when Makoto welcomes Haru back from Australia? That’s a young man seeing the love of his life again.

From the end of Season 2 through “Free! Take Your Marks”, Season 3, and most of “Free! the Final Stroke”, I imagined saw the dedication and love Makoto has for Haru. And how no matter what Haru was going through, Makoto always wanted to be right by his side.

Anytime Makoto looked at Haru, thought about Haru, said “Haru” quietly? IS THIS LOVE?!

Makoto remembering that as a child, he always wanted to be with Haru and swim with him? Childhood friends to lovers!

Makoto sitting at Haru’s hospital bedside near the end of “Free! the Final Stroke”? That’s a husband!

BONUS:

RINMAKOHARU/RINHARUMAKO

During Part 2 of “Free! the Final Stroke” there is a chunk of the movie where I thought, “OTP???”

The chunk in question is when Rin and Makoto go searching for and find Haru after his coach tells them he forced Haru to take a break because he “lost himself.”

When the boys are lying by the pool and reminiscing and telling Haru he is a hero to others? ~oh this is love~

Just boyfriends looking at each other.

#free! iwatobi swim club #free iwatobi swim club #nanase haruka #tachibana makoto #matsuoka rin #these boys were gay as hell sometimes

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f0point5 · 1 year ago

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hi! i'm the one that sent the message about mick feeling like he was left out and i see your point. max and yn are made for each other, they fit perfectly and it is much easier for her to be there for him than anyone else.

but in my mind, mick feels left out not only because he lost a seat in f1 but also one of his really close friends (in his mind). i don't think he's jealous of max (i could be wrong but this is how i feel). for some reason i think mick even knows deep down yn is perfect for max because it didn't seem like mick had a problem with yn and max's relationship at all. to me the recent interviews were what caused this. the way she spoke about rookies probably hurt mick more than he realised (like you said) and probably thought she doesn't believe in him.

i do get yn doesn't get how mick is, theyre very different but i think them talking it out will help both of them realize how different they truly are and clear out the images theyve created of each other. yn on one hand not thinking he took her words seriously and mick's feeling of being betrayed by his childhood friend.

feels like neither of them have been in this sort of situation it seems alien to them so they're both struggling here and the media probably makes it worse. i don't think mick is leaving her out like this on purpose hes probably lost on what to do. i don't think mick reached out to his uncle and his bestie ✌️ to make snide comments about someone he grew up with i just don't see that happening.

I don’t think he’s jealous of Max in a traditional way. I think Mick has measured himself against Max in a lot of ways, and found himself coming up short. With Y/N in particular.

The interviews aren’t all recent, they were going on for the years Mick was in f1 and for sure they were the beginning of the problem.

I don’t want to go too deep into it because a big chunk of this stuff will all come out in the past posted tonight, but yeah you are right, I don’t think Mick has ever had any bad intentions.

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duck-in-a-thrift-store · 8 months ago

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I witnessed something kind of heartbreaking and kind of infuriating today, so here's a vent about it

Trigger warning for animal cruelty, and for... just a really fucking sad situation, I guess

Also, the events here are not entirely in order, it's been a fucking emotional roller coaster of a day and I'm writing this at... well I don't remember what time it was when I started but it's 5am 6am now, I had to get it all out into words outside my head and there was only so much editing I could do on my current level of brainpower, so some of what I say in here will make more sense once you read further

Things had been going well enough. Unexpectedly well, actually. We had planned to see my grandparents this weekend and we took one of our dogs with us and stopped for coffee on the way and just generally made a day of it, got to the campground they're staying at and got to hang out with them and their puppy and my aunt and uncle and baby cousin, we all had lunch and my granddad took a few of us out on the boat to ride around the lake, which I had been looking forward to

All in all it had been a really nice day

But someone had the idea to go check out the campground's petting zoo, and well, things went pretty severely downhill from there

We were walking around the back of the sheds beside a more open enclosure, I was sort of lagging behind so I hadn't seen yet what was causing a disturbance, but I caught up to my grandma right as she was about to call the management of the place, saying it looked like a mama goat was in distress and asking if they were aware

Basically what this lady told her over the phone was "oh yeah we know, she's probably not going to make it, she just had triplets and there's not really anything we can do" and I guess she was like, grossly nonchalant about it, based on my grandma's description

I hadn't heard it all, just enough to know there was something going on with a mama goat, she wasn't doing well, and that the management knew about it

I think I hadn't fully processed it yet, as I was missing chunks of context and I hadn't actually seen it for myself, because I thought vaguely "oh that's kinda sad," but once I took in the full situation?

When I tell you I was devastated-

I got past the clumsy wooden walls to the open part of the pen, where there was a goat lying on her side, seemingly unable to move but for a feeble kick of her legs every now and then and the rolling of her eyes. She had collapsed- presumably- outside her shelter, in the hot, bright sun, left unshielded from the elements and unable to even get any water to cool down, as she lay slowly dying out in the open for all to see, alone but for the tiny, fragile kids that depended on her for their own survival. There was a small tub of water in the pen, but the nanny couldn't get up to walk over to it, and it was too tall to be of any use to the kids. I watched one of them push at it, trying to knock it over with his itty bitty head.

My mom, who's been a major animal person since childhood, was very much not ok with the whole scene (neither were the rest of us, but she sort of led the way). She went into the pen, along with me, my sister, and my aunt, while my grandma kept trying to figure out if anyone who worked here gave a shit about the animals in their care

There's a gap here where I lost track of what everyone else was doing. I was busy approaching the little goat by the water tub, tipping it enough for him to get a drink, and then fending off his repeated attempts to eat my shoelaces. He was a hell of a cute little guy, and trouble right out the gate. I was a bit caught up in his adorable antics for a moment, but the instant attachment I felt toward the little guy would end up making the rest of our time there all the more painful as I considered his bleak future through a lens of irrational, protective affection. I scooped him up in my arms so he'd stop chasing my laces and we could focus on the more serious problem at hand without tripping over him

Her baby in my arms, I turn my attention back to the suffering mama goat. My mom dips her cupped hand in the tub of water and offers it to the nanny, to one of the kids, and we follow her example. I stand between the nanny and the harsh sunlight and arrange first my sister and later my aunt to stand beside me and cover her body more effectively in shadow, offering her some small respite in whatever ways we can.

The matrons of my family are fighting the good fight with the campsite workers, over the phone as well as in person- once someone finally deigned to show up- much more calmly than I possibly could have done, but it's obvious to us my mom is furious (as she should be).

As for me, over the course of all of it, taking in the scene- the ailing creature at my feet, the knowledge that she wasn't expected to survive, that her and her kids were virtually being left to starve or succumb to illness or bake to death in the sun, that these babies might watch their mother die and wither away beside her, all while some dirtbag humans who either had no fucking clue what they were doing or just didn't care and in any case had no right to possess these animals practically stood by and did nothing but bitch at the witnesses with hearts- I was crying. I kept crying, on and off and on again. I kept having to look away just to get control of myself. At one point I was slipping dangerously into a fit of public sobbing and had to bite down so hard on the skin of my wrist that I'm pretty sure there are still marks now, almost twelve fourteen hours later.

The woman who eventually showed up reiterated that the nanny had had triplets and that there wasn't much they could do, and when my mom tried to argue with her, she started pulling shit like asking my mom if she even had any animals of her own, suggesting she didn't know what she was talking about, and stating that "sometimes nature just has to take its course"

First of all, my mom has had animals most of her life. Maybe not farm animals, but still.

Second and more importantly in terms of relevance and knowledge, our next door neighbor literally raises goats. My mom is always home and talks to this woman a lot; she's seen and heard plenty about these goats and their care, and has in fact helped birth new kids when one of the goats went into labor while the owner was MIA.

She also had done her research and prepared and overall been very aware and responsible when one of our dogs had a litter of puppies, and under her prepping and care all ten puppies and their mom survived and were healthy.

So like. Don't fucking say my mom doesn't know what she's talking about, when you literally leave your animals in a state in which they don't even have access to the most basic of necessities for survival and she actually does have a background with the type of situation at hand.

Also, our neighbor's goats have had multiples and been ok with a little bit of assistance when necessary, so them suggesting that her health was a lost cause purely on the principle of her having had triplets is highly suspicious and their general evasiveness, nonchalance, and obvious oversights make it seem pretty damn clear which party doesn't fucking know what they're doing

And, what the fuck do you mean "nature just has to take its course???" Like yeah ok sometimes things go wrong sometimes animals get hurt or sick and they die and that's just a part of life, but this isn't the fucking wild, this is a setting where you have chosen to be responsible for these animals, their lives and welfare literally depend on you and it is your responsibility to take that seriously and to provide for them and not to just let a mother fucking suffer a slow agonizing death and let the babies starve.

If you really have tried treating her like you say (doubtful) and if the owner/boss of the place is really a vet (highly doubtful), then why the hell are you allegedly unable or unwilling to put the poor thing out of her misery? No seriously they told us the owner was a vet, and then turned around and told us they couldn't euthanize the goat when my mom said that that would be the more humane thing to do. Literally the least you could do here, and as my dad pointed out, even if for some reason their "vet" boss didn't have access to the necessary drugs, they could just shoot her. It would be quicker, it would be over

Someone was sent out to carry the goat to the office (for some reason? I don't know what their plan was from there) but she wasn't strong enough to carry her that far, she said she'd have to wait for so-and-so to get back so he could carry her instead, but in the meantime she at least dragged the nanny into the shade of the shed. It would probably be her final resting place. We found a smaller container elsewhere in the pen and filled it with water for the kids, but it won't do them much good on the 2 feedings per day the office promised us they'd be receiving (newborn kids need to be fed at the very least 4 times a day).

Unfortunately we had predetermined plans set for that evening that involved other people, so we couldn't stay any longer, we had to get home. Before we left, my sister and I carried the babies into the shed to be with their mother for however much time she had remaining, my mom rushing us, getting snappy in the way she has a tendency to do when she's distressed and taking her anger out on the wrong people, because it's socially acceptable to be impatient and harsh with your own kids but it's not to cuss out other adults in public, even if they really deserve it. I could barely speak but I croaked out a "we're coming" laced with a reflexive returning bite, my own defensive tendency to the pattern. I tried to plant a kiss on the furry head of the kid I was holding but I was shaky and I think I missed; I whispered to him "I hope they don't let you starve," bit back another sob, set him down and walked away

I think this whole thing was like. A canon event for me. I just really genuinely don't understand how someone can be so indifferent to the lives in their care, when we- a random group of strangers who hadn't known any of these goats even existed until then- were so thoroughly caught up and distraught over their fate that we stood with a dying animal and did whatever precious little we could with none of their alleged credentials or experience or resources. Where are your fucking ethics? Where is your humanity? It is your job to do something about this and yet you sound like you're mad at us for trying to get you to do just that. God I want those goats to be ok, and I also want that petting zoo to be shut down and all the animals relocated to homes that will actually care for them. But life isn't fair, and that isn't what will happen, and chances are those babies are going to lose their mother- if they haven't already, by now- and then their lives, and the people responsible will just continue about their own, unchanged. How can you be unchanged? You probably knew those goats' names. I didn't have even that much information and yet I cried for them like they were my own. I will never understand you, and I don't want to

#sorry for spiraling on main #duck's diary #duck rants #animal cruelty #animal death #animal husbandry #goats #baby goats #humanity #indifference to the suffering of others #my mom was the pissed one and i was the weepy one *in the moment*#but trust me i was and am definitely fucking mad about it too #i hope that woman gets fired #and that campground loses business #and the animals get rescued #but I'm not optimistic

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foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland · 1 year ago

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Ever keep urself awake at night thinking of what would happen if ur house bruned down and what ud be abke to save and all the things thatd be lost. Like im genuinely getting fucking upset about this hypothetical universe where all my compyter files are gone, all my childhood diaries are gone, every drawing ive ever made is gone, all the clothes asides from what im wearing right now which is my fucking pajamas are gone, and the things id probably save r just my phone n my camera bc theyre light and expensive and hold a lotta shit on them. And maybe my sketchbook if i had time. But like dude ik realistically not everything would be lost but a damn good chunk of it would be and that just makes me so upset 2 thjnk abt bc like. Idk. I think it sucks bc bein a teenager is like. My life is my room. It is the one safe place in the entirety of the world. Everythjng that matters to me is here asides from my cat. So like. Losing my room would be like losing everything because i have nothing else. And because literally like all my worldly possessions are here. Anyways im anxious abt that now bc i was playing it out in my head and my biggest fear would be if i was jn a situation where i was sleeping naked bc it was so hot and i spent too much time trying to find clothes so i didnt run outside naked and couldnt even save my phone. Like id be able to get over losing most other yhings but my phone literally holds my fucking memories and without it i would literally forget so much of my life bc i have such a godawful memory. Like i need its calendar and i need the gallery and i need the messages. And yea. But shit dude. Id lose the diary i wrote when i was 8 and all the pictures ive drawn ever since i moved into this room when i was like 9 and all the books i have and all my sketches and my computer with all my files and my art tablet with the past few years worth of art and my clothes which mean so fuckin much to me like god if i cant dress comfortabky i am just fucking Not A Person and my fucking camera with all mt photos shit dude and if i loet my phone thats so many memories gone and so many ways to remember people i dont talk to anymore and years and years of cat photos gone and shit dude. Ok i think making a post has made me feel a bit better tho bc theres now that little voice in my head goin like What the fuck nobody thinks like this what r u on abt ur fine why would ur house burn down now when it hasnt for the past like fucking idk 18+ years ny parents have owned it

#night thoughts

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fox-bright · 1 year ago

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Humans are creatures of habit.

Not just when it comes to the food we like, the music we listen to, which grocery store we shop at, but deep-down stuff. The things we don’t even notice we’re doing. Daily life can become mechanical, executed by rote, so casually that even when you know the bridge is out you’ll find yourself driving there every morning, because that was the way you used to go to get to the gym. You’ll get most of the way or even all of the way to the detour, only to be reminded at the last minute by the sight of signage and men in hard hats, and you’ll think goddammit, I KNOW already, why did I come this way again?

So when I held the door open for Eddie, the way that I had pretty much every Monday morning for the last seventeen years, it took me just a minute to remember he was dead.

Eddie and I were friends. Maybe not the way that you can get with someone who knew you in childhood, but we were solid. I had him over to my cookouts, he took my family with his out to the lake some Labor Day weekends, both our wives had us sign cards for the other’s kid’s high school graduation. We played pranks, and we gave each other a rare hug now and again in times of grief—when his mother died, when I lost my dog—and we always knew, more or less, how the other was going to respond to this or that event. We didn’t root for most of the same sports teams, and we disagreed sometimes about local smalltime votes (I still don’t think the city should have sold that chunk of the park to those coffee-shop owners, he maintained until the day he died that him sitting there to have a sip while his wife was jogging had saved their marriage), but we were close on damn near everything else. I never had a brother, so I don’t know if there’s a difference, but if I had one I’d want him to be like Eddie. I didn’t know what my life was even going to be like, without him there.

So you might think it’s stupid that I held the door open for him, yawning, and said “Hey, Ed,” as he passed me with his customary half smile and two-fingered wave. I don’t know how long it takes for a pair of eyelids to blink closed and slide open again, but for that much time I’d managed to forget that it was Tuesday that he’d collapsed at his desk, gasping, clutching his arm, and it was only Friday that I held his wife while they put him in the ground. And then I remembered, and I was so startled I let go of the door. It smacked shut in front of me, leaving me out in the hot summer morning, and I stared through the glass at Eddie’s retreating back. He went through the front office and made the left turn that would take him to the back room that we both shared for CAD work and blueprint stuff, just like it was any other weekday morning. Jessica, the new-ish receptionist—she’d only been here three years, since Marcie retired—sat there white-faced and staring, eyes as big as peaches, so at least I knew I wasn’t cracking up.

I opened the door again and walked past her. She was mumbling “Did you see him? Did you see?” and I paused long enough to look at her and nod. “Don’t you worry none about it, Jessie.” I said. “It’s only Ed, you know he’s all right.” Her hand was on the phone, but she pretty obviously had no idea who to call. “You just breathe a minute, maybe get yourself some water, and I’ll go talk to him, okay?” She nodded quickly, still not having blinked, and I turned to follow my friend back to our office.

Eddie was standing in front of his empty desk, scratching his head. “It’s not April, is it?” he asked me without looking as I came through the door. He looked perfectly lifelike; his skin was a normal color, just a little ruddy as he always had been, and his clothing was the usual button-down shirt and jeans, not the suit they’d buried him in. He was turning his wedding ring around and around with his thumb, an idle habit he’d picked up years before I met him. That distracted me for a moment, and my mouth answered him with me only half running it, because I know for sure that ring is on a chain around his widow’s neck now.

“It’s, ah. Nope, Ed, it’s not April. D’you remember what month it is?”

“August, I thought. Almost time to haul the girls out to the lake, and maybe your youngin’ if she’s got a break from school? Mine don’t want to travel that far just for the weekend.” He finally turned to face me, grinning, and that’s when I lost my composure.

“Aw, dammit, Eddie.” I stumbled the three and a half steps between us like a drunk man, and I threw my arms around him. “Fuck, man.”

He hugged back reflexively. “Hey, hey, what’s up? Is everybody okay at home? Is something wrong with the kid?”

“No, the girls’re fine, they’re fine.” I knuckled the tears away from my face roughly. “Man, I don’t know how to tell you.”

“All my stuff’s gone, Mark. I get fired?” There was an edge of uncertainty to his voice now.

“God, no. Sit down.” I pull the chair out, missing the cushion he’d always had on it but still his chair. His wife had the cushion now, I brought it to her with all the rest of the stuff that was his to keep, the pictures and the awards and the desk-detritus that grows like a coral reef when you sit the same place for twenty years. I pulled my chair around from my own desk, and hunched over in it. “So, ah. Eddie. D’you remember anything about last week?”

“I remember that we’ve got that Bahmer deadline coming up, so you and I were gonna stay late on Tuesday, get a pizza and put the game on while we worked. I remember…” some shadow passed over his face and he went quiet.

“We did that. Got halfway through the game.” I said quietly. “Do you remember what happened next?”

He didn’t answer me.

I took a deep, shaky breath. “You’re always saying, every goddamn day you’re always saying you’ll rest when you’re dead. Well, boy howdy, Ed, but it ain’t fair to you for you to still be coming to work.”

He twisted his wedding ring another four or five times before he said anything.

“Meg and the kids.” He said it like a statement, quiet, but I knew what he was asking.

“They’re gonna be just fine. Kids’re gonna miss you for damn sure, but they’re strong. And you know Meg always had a hundred people to back her up, this ain’t gonna break her. Tina an’ I are gonna keep an eye on her. Figured—figured to maybe get her on the boat, out at the lake, for Labor Day.”

Eddie looked up at me, straight into my eyes, and it was like the breath knocked out of me. He still looked like himself, but there was something different there too. Like he was sharper around the edges, like the whole world was an old film photograph and he was in HD. Like he’s had a software upgrade, I thought, and didn’t really understand why. “What about you?” he asked, and his voice was his voice, it was, but it was like I was hearing something else too. Like the minute at the beginning of an orchestra where they all come together, where first it’s just one instrument and then it’s everybody? Only “everybody” was still just Eddie.

“Aw, Ed, don’t you worry about me none.” I said. “Me’n Tina got a long ways to go yet, and I’m gonna hang in there.”

It occurred to me that there was maybe something unfair about this whole interaction. “But god, I’m real glad you came to see me.” I said.

He smiled at me, and opened his mouth as if he were going to say something else.

And the door beside us slammed open, the boss throwing himself through it. “Mark!” he said. “Jessica’s saying the weirdest—” He must have seen my face, then, because he fell silent.

I glanced back at Eddie’s chair, already expecting what I saw. Empty. Other than the scent of that cologne his kids always got him for Father’s Day, no sign that he’d ever been there, and I could have been imagining that.

“You okay, Mark?” the boss asked, quiet now. I shrugged. “Jessica’s not a liar.” I said, and I stood up and wheeled Eddie’s chair back under his desk, and my own back to my space. “I figure some people just get used to some habits.”

He wasn’t at home with his wife, he wasn’t back up at the college with his kids, though I figured he might go check in on them all now. But all I could think was how lucky I’d been, the last two decades, to be part of his habit, and how lucky I was now to get just another minute with my friend.

I blinked hard, swallowed. My voice was about normal when I spoke again. “Got those Bahmer blueprints for you.” I said. “And after that, I, ah. Think I’m gonna take off, after lunch. Get the wife out for a drive, maybe.” The boss had known me a long time, and he didn’t argue about it, just took himself back to his office and left me be.

I’ve never been one of those philosopher types who thinks that the whole world and everything in it is a lesson. I think mostly the world is just the place you are, and you deal with what you’ve got to deal with, and catch a breath where you can catch a breath. But if I’m taking a lesson from this, it’s to relax when I get the time. Nothing can be put off forever, and some things shouldn’t be put off at all. I’ll take Tina and Meg up on the lake every weekend this summer, if they want to go, and I’m not pulling late-nighters anymore. We’ve only got a minute here, and I aim to make enough comfortable habits that I don’t feel like I need to stick around.

Your friend always said “I’ll rest when I’m dead,” so much that it became his catchphrase. He says it again today when he came into work, going about his daily routine. This normally wouldn’t be concerning, if not for the fact that you attended his funeral two weeks ago.

#as usual for these written in one go with no going back or editing #any errors are the result of the process and doubtless I'll tsk at myself over them later #fox writes #foxwrites #writing prompt

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