#lost 75% of her intestines

[jakemyboy]

Blu had fun over at Brandy's house yesterday. Took a lot of videos, sometimes they'd just stand there, and as soon as I'd turn it off they would do stuff again, of course!

[queenlucythevaliant]

I posted 1,724 times in 2022

That's 748 more posts than 2021!

667 posts created (39%)

1,057 posts reblogged (61%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lovesodeepandwideandwell

@dimsilver

@laurelindorenan

@magpie-trove

@holbytlanna

I tagged 1,677 of my posts in 2022

Only 3% of my posts had no tags

#pontifications and creations - 438 posts

#narnia - 342 posts

#ask me hard questions - 334 posts

#tolkien legendarium - 234 posts

#how can i keep from singing - 91 posts

#i will not say the day is done - 75 posts

#only thou art holy - 70 posts

#aurë entuluva! - 60 posts

#jack - 60 posts

#reading fairy tales again - 57 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i just don't think i'll ever get over the relationship between our loving meticulous glorious creator-god and the elegance of how he create

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

In Narnia, Right was right and courage came with clarity. Beauty abounded and Aslan, even across the sea, never felt so very far away.

That’s how they remembered it in England, at least. Three months gone and the edges were sanded down. Their children’s hearts remembered beauty and clung to victory. If you’re not an idealist when you’re young, there’s something wrong with you.

Peter said, and they all agreed, that their memories of Narnia were like books on a shelf. It was all still there, but filed away. To think of a particular summer dance or ship’s voyage, you had to pull the proper book from its shelf and turn the pages until you found the story you wanted. You could recall the events that way and it would be like any other memory: vivid but imperfect, bathed in old feelings and new, details intact but a fine mist of nostalgia covering the scene.

Their old skills were gone, but what use was swordsmanship in Britain? Most of the time, the Pevensie children scarcely noticed what they had lost. They played in forests and swam in ponds, went to the grocer’s and prepared for school to resume. They were children.

They thought of Narnia often, but it was as one remembers a glorious holiday by the seashore, or the most important novel you’ve ever read. It had changed their lives, but it was past, and memory; a secret language, and daydreams and play-battles out in the Professor’s woods.

Because they were children, the edges of their memories softened, they forgot the things that would have given them nightmares. Right was right in Narnia, after all. They did not remember the sticky, congealing mess of the Witch’s blood that clung to Aslan’s mouth after Beruna, when he had ripped her throat out and devoured her body. They forgot the visceral fear that Rabadash would manage to take Susan to wife by force, and what he would do to her if he did. They forgot the awful chaos of battle, the sickening stench of bellies hewn open and intestines spilling onto the sodden earth. They did not remember living to be twenty, thirty, fifty, sixty, growing old and aching with it, burying friends, and worrying about the succession. The burden of all those years would have broken any children so young.

After they were sent home for the last time, each of the Pevensie children found ways of remembering. Peter joined a fencing league, and soon found that old broadsword techniques would often flutter out of his memory’s pages and into his hands. Susan sketched until she didn’t, until she put away her pad full of fauns and castles and lions in a box of childhood nonsense—but it was many years before that happened. Edmund wrote pages and pages of reminiscences down, trying to externalize the books of his memory. Lucy daydreamed, and she dressed in bright Narnian colors, and sang Narnian songs, and a million other tiny things that scarcely anyone noticed. The Pevensie children found ways to remember. Narnia remained in their minds: a little distant, perhaps, but the ink never faded.

And one day, when he was ready, Edmund was trying to calm his father through the soldier’s panic that followed a car backfiring and he began to remember the feeling of having seen war. The book in his mind opened where the pages had been stuck together, and suddenly he knew how to help.

Lucy began to recall snatches of what it was like to grow old. She looked in on her grandparents more and more. “I know your knee isn’t what it used to be,” she smiled as she went to get the stepstool.

Susan held a classmate tight after a terrible, terrible night and trembled, remembering Rabadash’s hot breath on her face, the way he’d grabbed her forearms with bruising strength and demanded to kiss her. I understand, she whispered. It wasn’t your fault.

Peter, sitting in theology class, remembered the viscera around Aslan’s mouth and began to understand what justice meant.

The terrible parts came back in flashes as the children grew into young men and women. Memories of Narnia expanded to fit their older selves, old horrors and heartaches now many years past. Little by little, the Pevensie children grew back into themselves.

Two Lucys existed, one long past and one in the mirror. Two Edmunds, two Susans, two Peters. The present Lucy did not miss the woman she had grown to be in Narnia, except in rare instances. She had what she needed from her old self. She still had so much growing left to do.

696 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

#4

Tell me about God suffering.

Tell me about the God who knew that we would break his heart, yet chose to create us anyway. Who saw Adam, fashioned in his own image, and said “It is very good.”

Tell me about the God who said, “my heart, my bowels, my inner parts weep like a lyre for the suffering of my people.” Who watched his loved ones worship idols and fall into sin, who knew all the blackest desires of their hearts. Who faithfully wounded them, sent them into exile, let them die, and said “How can I give you up, O Ephraim? My heart recoils within me.”

Tell me about a God who fashioned us from dust in the full knowledge that in order to keep us, he would see his son scourged and dying on the cross. Who knew that one day he would turn his face away. About a Jesus who said, “here am I, send me.” Who set his face towards Golgotha even in the halls of eternity.

Tell me about a God who became small and frail. Who endured headaches and hangnails and long nights without sleep. Who was anxious and afraid, embarrassed and misunderstood. Who was tempted. Who saw his friends sad and sick and dying. Who wept with the sound of a horse before battle.

Tell me about Jesus weeping and sweating blood in Gethsemane. Tell me about the cross. Tell me about “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me” and the agony of unanswered prayer.

Tell me about the Father and the Spirit, cut off from the Son for the first time in history. The Son, begotten and abandoned. The Spirit, proceeding from nowhere. Tell me about the death of one you have loved from eternity.

Tell me about the Spirit, who intercedes for us before the Father in groans too deep for words. Who understands our deepest pains that well.

People say that to love at all is to suffer, but that isn’t true. God loved and was loved in perfect Trinity before he created us. To love what is fallen is to suffer.

Tell me about the God who chose suffering.

@citrussunrises

790 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

#3

890 notes - Posted June 16, 2022

#2

895 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Reepicheep could kill the Witch King of Angmar (and/or Macbeth).

2,081 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

[hopefullystillliving]

Skinny

My mom is fat. She's always said it like that, neutrally, a statement of fact, even when she gets self conscious. I didn't know it was considered a bad thing until I was 5. Me and my brother were in a rickety hammock- a boy I didn't know asked if he could join us- I said "No, you're too fat, it'll break", neutrally, a statement of fact, and he ran off, upset. My mom had to explain why that was rude. I didn't get it.

My dad is skinny. He's got a bean pole body if there ever was one. Some of my mom's old friends told her she needed to feed him more, fatten him up. She'd laughed, self conscious in the way of not meeting expectations, and said she'd tried. He has the metabolism of a cheetah.

I've always taken after my dad. The first time I remember being called skinny was when I was 4. I went to the city to get my blood drawn and afterwards the nurse told me I was a brave little girl, and so pretty! "She could be a supermodel" she told my mom. I asked what that meant on the way home. My mom pursed her lips, and said she meant I was skinny. I didn't get it.

I've always had trouble eating. I only learned the expression "eats like a bird" recently, but it's an apt one. "Picky eater" might even be generous. I've gotten better about it, but texture and taste and smell can all set me off, even with foods I used to love. I can't stand casseroles or soups or sauces where everything is all mixed together. Sometimes even the thought of the sensation of chewing and swallowing seems so utterly disgusting that it's like there's a block in my stomach. Sometimes I just have no appetite.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and started trying out meds to help with the symptoms. The one I ended up keeping with has a few side effects, one of which is appetite suppressing.

I've always been skinny. I idly mentioned to my mom, a little while after starting them, that I couldn't lie on my stomach any more because the peaks of my pelvis dug into the floor and it irritated me. She made a slightly concerned comment, I brushed it off. "I'm just skinny." Puberty does that- probably.

I only noticed because of a regular doctor's check-up. I got weighed. When the nurse pulled up my charts I saw her hesitate for a moment, unsure if they were right, before she told me.

I'd lost 20 pounds in 4 months.

I started taking appetite increasers- technically a type of allergy med but side effects are useful sometimes. I figured out some tricks- nutrition drinks and applesauce are a godsend when I can't stand the idea of chewing. I learned some fast, easy foods I can trick my executive dysfunction into making. I try and eat at mealtime even if I'm not hungry. I'd say my appetite is back up to 75% of what it originally was, and the difference is almost horrifying in its starkness- I was unintentionally starving myself and hadn't even noticed because it felt normal. I was just skinny.

When I was newly 15 I weighed 100 pounds. When I was 14, four months before, I weighed 120. It took me six months to gain the weight back.

It's been a few years since. I'm in a better place. I weigh 127 pounds. I checked. I get self conscious, sometimes. I have a little bit of a tummy, which throws off my artistic sensibilities- I want my body to have clean lines, as though I were a car or something. When I say it like that I know it's stupid. But I get self conscious, until I remind myself that I have a tummy because I have a stomach. And a uterus. and intestines. And a bunch of other squishy guts that need protecting.

I like my body most of the time. I like my curves- I remember in the early days of puberty I was most anticipating getting hips, and I definitely got them. I like my arms, which get muscled when I spend hours swimming or swinging in the summer. I wish I didn't need glasses to see, but that's a lost cause- everyone, even my extended family, needs them. I wish my lips didn't chap so much. I like my hair a lot- I'm planning on growing the top out long, to my waist, and keeping the undercut because some people still assume I'm straight.

I might get a binder at some point- not any time soon- just because I'm curious as to what I'd look like if my chest were flat. When I run my hands over my hips I can still feel the peaks of my pelvis, but there's a decent layer of fat and skin over them, and I don't think they stand out much more than average.

My psychiatrist still asks me what I weigh at every appointment, still asks if I still need the appetite increasers, wants to make sure I'm "Not getting fat." I smile, politely, self conscious, and say "I'm fine, I'd like to continue them."

Right now I'm skinny. I don't mind if one day I get fat. I say it neutrally, a statement of fact. It's weird other people don't think that.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 237 “Underwater Breath-Holding Contest”

And after a chapter which gave us precious info about Sugimoto’s past we get again one that’s more action oriented, although from it we could still get some info.

For who’s wondering the ‘Kiss of Life’ is merely a trope.

Anyway, back to the story.

While Boutarou talks with the passengers, Sugimoto and Shiraishi talk about what to do… without bothering to involve Asirpa. Really, somehow they feel more disjunted than usual as a group, out of late.

Shiraishi points out that according to what Boutarou has said, the guy might have already discovered where the gold is hidden.

Sugimoto counters that Boutarou had however admitted knowing where to search isn’t enough to find the gold.

Shiraishi asks him what they should do in regard to the rumor about how useless it would be to collect the tattooed skins. Sugimoto, after a moment of hesitation, insist they should keep on gathering them.

This is a good moment to point out that keeping on gathering the tattooed skins brings up the following consequences:

- they’ve to hunt dangerous convicts that are all but willing to hand them their skins and might try to kill them

- they might end up killing said convicts

- they have as rivals to get the surviving convicts the Tsurumi group and the Hijikata group who also want the skins

- they will have to fight them anyway as both groups have part of the skins so if they want to get them all they’ve to steal from the others the skins they have

- the others will try to hunt them for the skins they own

- in the process they can also lose Asirpa who’s also hunted because she knows how to solve the code

- it will take them much more time

- they don’t know how many skins the others have so they’ve no idea when the convicts will all be found

In short, if collecting the skins is useless, pursuing them means only getting themselves in unnecessary danger and unnecessarily murdering people. In short is a bad combination that both Wakayama and Boutarou, seasoned criminals who don’t hesitate in killing people, rejected.

It’s beyond stupid to pursue the tattooed skins if there’s nothing to gain from them, Wakayama and Boutarou were intelligent enough to figure it out and stop. Wakayama gave up completely, Boutarou was smart and capable enough to devise a plan B as he didn’t intend to give up on the gold even if he understood plan A wasn’t worth being pursued.

So why Sugimoto, who’s not bloodthirsty and doesn’t want to put his friends in danger, wants to keep on chasing them?

Well, probably exactly for this reason.

Accepting that hunting the skins is useless means accepting what he did for more than a year was useless. He wasted time, he put his friends in danger, he murdered people ALL FOR NOTHING.

Sugimoto could likely accept doing it when the game was worth the candle, when the outcome would provide him much more benefits. But if all he had gone through was for nothing… well, how hard it becomes to swallow all this?

He has wasted time, he has suffered, he had murdered, he had almost lost Asirpa and it was all useless, a mistake.

For Boutarou and Wakayama it was easy to pull back, they had, at the time, invested too little in this, but Sugimoto had bet everything over how, if he were to collect all the skins, he would get the gold. While the clever thing would be to pull out like Boutarou and Wakayama had done, Sugimoto’s psyche is likely fighting it with all its strength, so that’s likely why he wants to reject the rumor and keep on going that way even if everything is starting to tell him it’s a wrong choice.

Shiraishi doesn’t pressure him, but suggests to pretend to ally with Boutarou and see how things will go.

Sadly this implies they can always betray and skin Boutarou later as there is no genuine wish to join hands in them, it’s just a situation of convenience.

And this is a good moment to remind everyone in this story there’s not a side who is with justice, that will be honest, that won’t betray an alliance. This isn’t ‘Saint Seiya’, here everyone is for himself and it’s meaningful that Noda presented Sugimoto as the first to break alliances, first the one with Asirpa, when in chap 14 decided to break their partnership without even telling her, thinking it’s for the better if you want, but still acting arbitrarily and leaving her on her own without even considering she might not just drop the search just because he’s not there but keep it up on her own and then with Tsurumi in chap 19 when he tricked him into giving him medical help in exchange for the skins.

Having the main character do this is our hint NO ONE is obliged to keep a deal, that all the deals are done out of self interest and can be broken exactly when interest conflict.

However, as Shiraishi and Sugimoto are thinking they can only pretend to join hands with him and then betray Boutarou later, Boutarou has found Heita’s skin, his cigarette case and the note with the rivers from which the gold came as well as his name, all hidden in Sugimoto’s backpack.

From this it’s easy for him to assume that no, despite what they had said, Shiraishi and Sugimoto didn’t come to his same idea as him by chance but murdered Heita and, from what they found on him, they came up with the same plan… or, more probably, they were trying to use the info they got to find and skin him the way they had done with Heita… and he’s not wrong because this was part of the plan and we know still is.

So Boutarou collect his accomplice and prepare himself to deal with Sugimoto and Shiraishi.

He tells in a cheerful tone (look at his balloons and how they aren’t just oval shaped but they look like small clouds) they’re about to reach Ebetsu and asks them again if they want to join forces with him. He then asks them if they know how much the gold is, if they believe it’s 75 kg as it was told to the prisoners. Then he tells them that the Ainu old man told him the amount of gold has to be much more, as it was put up in a huge pile of deerskin bags.

The info is interesting but again it opens the question of how they managed to move it all. It would have taken a lifetime for Wilk to do it on his own, if he did it with the Ainu who were killed, who supposedly weren’t that young (they included Ariko’s father and the brother of an old man), it would be better yet still be a big work.

I wonder if they used water to transport it as it would allow them to move it farther with more ease and speed than, let’s say, a carriage.

Too bad I find unlikely they could connect the place in which the gold was and the place in which they wanted the gold to end with water pipes in which they could just pour the dust and let the water do all the job of carring it from a place to another.

Still they could probably put it on boats, to move it far away from where it was. It’s still a big work though for few men who might not be that young anymore.

Oh well, when we’ll get an idea of the place in which the gold was, we might get hints on how it was moved.

Anyway Sugimoto at this confirmation that the gold is a huge amount sweats with a small smile while Shiraishi has an ecstatic air.

And they both react likely like Boutarou wanted, so caught up in this information that they lower their guard, all lost in their little world of how they’ll become rich and are caught completely on surprise when Boutarou tells them it’s a pity he can’t pursue his dream together with them, his accomplice pointing his gun at them from behind them.

Luckily for them there’s Asirpa who, having been cut out from adults’ conversations, had thought well to go back check Sugimoto’s luggage which had been left open and had realized Boutarou should have seen Heita’s cigarette case in it, as the case is now out of the bag.

Asirpa is no fool nor blinded by gold and immediately understood if Boutarou has seen the cigarette case and pulled it out, he should have also seen what it contained and Heita’s skin and would be less amicable with them than previously.

So, as Boutarou’s accomplice is about to shoot them, she throws one of her arrows to the gun, causing the tip of it to slide between the cylinder and the lower part of the frame, effectively blocking the cylinder from rotating and therefore rendering the gun unable to shoot.

So again Asirpa saves the day, after saving the day the chapter before. Really, as I said in a post long ago, when in troubles call her, she’s the most reliable to save the day.

As Peter Venkman would say ‘She came, she saw, she kicked their asses!’

Asirpa is great, that’s it.

A fight ensues… or better it would have ensued if the captain hadn’t rotate the ship’s wheel and caused it to move on a different track, a track that brought it close to the tree, causing their branches to basically sweep the bridge and send Sugimoto, Boutarou and Boutarou’s accomplice in the water, Shiraishi having the good sense to toss himself on the ground because Shiraishi is awesome like that and not enough apprecciated.

Boutarou’s accomplice… well, at a first glance I thought he ends up hitting his head against the waterwheel… but it can be he actually ended up being sucked by it as we see blood spraying out of it and then he starts drowning again, one of his legs bent to an odd angle and his body bleeding heavily.

So really it could have been much more gruesome than him just hitting his head... and I’ve to admit Noda toned down the gruesome scenes if I compare Golden Kamuy to when it started. I mean... Tamai’s face or lack thereoff is something I think people will remember for a long time... or do we want to talk of Noma hung on a tree with his intestines trailing down of it?

Sugimoto sees the scene but Boutarou is immediately behind him, grabs him and starts pulling him deeper underwater.

It’s worth to remember not only water is Boutarou’s element, in which he moves much better and much faster than Sugimoto but that he can hold his breath much longer than a common human so Sugimoto is hugely at disadvantage here. Boutarou was also very clever in this.

Not only he placed himself behind Sugimoto, making harder for the latter to hit him, but grabbed his left wrist, making difficult for Sugimoto to swing the bayonet he was holding with his left hand.

If anything Boutarou’s mistake was he didn’t manage to also grab Sugimoto’s right wrist but only the sleeve of his right coat, leaving him some measure of movement with his right hand.

Meanwhile outside Shiraishi asks Asirpa if she can swims… but it turns out she can do it only as long as she can touch with her feet. I wonder if this too will become a plot point or it’s just random info.

Anyway, wanting to help Sugimoto, our brave and awesome Shiraishi tosses himself in the water.

Meanwhile Sugimoto manages to grab with his partially free right hand the bayonet and tries to hit Boutarou with it. Boutarou let him go and, from Sugimoto’s face, we can see he’s pretty short of air, bubbles escaping from his mouth and nose and eyes open wide.

Boutarou grabs his foot, pulling him down again as Sugimoto waves desperately his arms and more air escapes from his mouth and nose.

At this point Shiraishi appears and grabs Sugimoto’s face.

Shiraishi is weak and can’t fight Boutarou so he planned to use the mouth-to-mouth breathing technique so as to give Sugimoto air and allow him to keep on fighting.

It’s a plan, it normally won’t work that easily in life but in manga and anime it hardly fails.

Sugimoto though, tries to push Shiraishi away and also moves his face away, causing Shiraishi to miss his mouth when he tries to give him air and then, for good measure, Sugimoto hits Shiraishi, the blow causing Shiraishi to partially lose consciousness and starts floating away, toward the air, stopping him from further attempting to give air to Sugimoto.

Overall I get the whole thing is played for fun, from the mouth-to-mouth breathing that can be viewed as a kiss to Sugimoto’s reaction. I’m not really amused though as it’s overall stupid.

Sure, normally this sort of things work solely in tv shows and manga/comics but Sugimoto is depicted as desperately needing air so he should have been extremely cooperative in the whole thing (have you ever tried drowning? You won’t be picky, you’ll literally kill to get air) because otherwise he could very well die, and harming Shiraishi might have caused him to drown as well, instead than do them any good.

I get that due to the rule of funny they would obviously both survive and that Sugimoto could pull out of his hammerspace new air without the need of Shiraishi’s help but really, I would have preferred if this fight between two cool guys was kept serious after Boutarou’s accomplice died in such a gruesome way. Sure, maybe Noda wanted the humor to make us forger exactly that but… well, as far as I’m involved it didn’t work.

Of course maybe it’s just me, not everyone must react the same to a joke.

Anyway, while Boutarou keeps pulling him down, Sugimoto losing more air from his mouth when the rule of cool comes to his rescue in form giant sturgeons deciding to swim close to them so that Sugimoto can... hum... yell so as to waste more air from his mouth (is he trying to say he’s immortal?)...

stab his bayonet in a fish and have it drag him away.

But it’s not like the fish swims toward the air and Boutarou doesn’t let go of Sugimoto’s foot while Sugimoto instead let go of more air and it’s only a mix of rule of funny and rule of cool that keeps him still perfectly aware and strong enough to hold onto his bayonet because everyone else at this point would have had his lugs completely filled with water, lost consciousness and drowned.

But I guess Noda realized one could pull this on only for so long.

Boutarou should have more ability to hold his breath underwater than Sugimoto, so keeping this up either undermines this because Sugimoto is faring way too well for someone who shouldn’t have even half of Boutarou’s ability or Noda would need to end this with Sugimoto finally drowning due to lack of air.

So, since Noda can’t kill Sugimoto but Sugimoto can’t get out of water to get air nor can beat Boutarou underwater, Noda decided to have luck save Sugimoto again this time not in form of giant fishes but in form of Boutarou’s long hair getting trapped in the waterwheel, pulling him to it.

I think the idea is that if Boutarou doesn’t free himself, this time he’ll either drown or, more likely, will end up making the same end of his nameless accomplice.

In fact, while Sugimoto manages to pull his head out of water and breathe, with Asirpa’s obvious relief, things take a turn for worse for Boutarou as his body is starting to get trapped in the waterwheel.

At this Noda shows us Sugimoto. I think the idea is that this means Sugimoto knows what’s happening to Boutarou and now he has to decide if he has to let him die or do something.

Meanwhile things are getting worse for Boutarou as he’s starting to lose air from his mouth and…

and that’s the moment Suggimoto cuts his hair free, saving him and probably willing, if not his loyalty, his possible cooperation.

Boutarou liked him already and likely attacked him only in self defense, because correctly figured out Sugimoto was out there for his skin and, like Sugimoto, he preferred to kill than to be killed.

They’re similar in many things those two and I like to think Sugimoto didn’t merely save him to get info but also because he felt a kinship through their similar pasts.

Honestly I would love for those two to become friends, Boutarou has a different cheeriness from Shiraishi, while Shiraishi is cheery because he doesn’t worry, Boutarou is positive but he’s also practical, a good thinker and tries to go for the best outcome. I think he could bring something good to the group.

Of course it always loom in his back the fact that Vasily, thinking he’s an enemy, might shoot him down. We’ll see.

Then, while a box gives us some info, we see that the rule of funny ensured, as expected, Shiraishi’s survival… but I kind of have the feeling this played again like the final page of chap 211. Shiraishi got the short end of the stick and no one cares as it was supposed to be ‘fun’.

Oh well, he was given the role of comedic relief so I guess not much can be done but I’m still sorry for him. He tried to help the way he could and his attempt was rejected, with Sugimoto putting him in danger only to make readers laugh. Honestly I think Shiraishi deserves more apprecciation but it might be just me.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 14 Pt1: Rex and Weevils Ultimate Betrayal No One Gave a Damn About

Just finished watching the Superbowl, which I never ever do, and it was VERY confusing and I thought I remembered this sport but I did not. I don’t know what’s happening. I do not understand how Kansas City got that field goal on San Fransisco when their feet never touched the goal line. So, I’m just gonna...change gears completely and wrap up this long post about a VERY complicated anime that came out before some of y’all were born, instead. Today I just really wanted to feel lost.

Last episode, Yugi (the main character of the show, the one this show is named after) hella died, and Rex and Weevil decided to leave the party very, very quickly.

You’d think that the one event (Yugi’s dead) would have to do with the other event (getting the hellllll away), considering how rude and judgy Yami is, but they actually left for cards. They accidentally did a very wise decision in order to do something incredibly stupid and cancel out any wisdom they showed in pedaling as fast as they could possibly pedal away from the reincarnated ghost who just very suddenly achieved full control of a human body.

They accidentally pedaled away from every Mummy movie super villain and somehow ended up with a much more worse villain.

Like I say that this whole season is about Yugi’s crazy commute, but Rex and Weevil’s commute has just been so much more. They are just clinging to whatever vehicle is near them in order to find these legendary cards sitting somewhere in American Soil. They are so ambivalent to all the very real world terrible problems around them because they’re PRETTY SURE they’re gonna get rich. It’s like the Gold Rush but with helicopters.

Also the 49ers never rode tandem bikes, but you know they would’ve if they could’ve.

And for some, weird reason, Rafeal decides not to pick them up under his arms and toss them directly onto an unsuspecting Joey Wheeler like he just did with Yugi. Rafael and Alister decided...nah...I’ll keep these strange small manchildren.

It seems really off brand for Rafael and Alister but maybe they just got too tired to deal with it right now.

Speaking of tired--this horse.

I mean I’ll do the math eventually--not this post but maybe the next one I just did a lot of math trying to remember why the hell it’s 6 points for a goal in football--but this horse that we estimated would take over 20 days to ride to Death Valley just rode all the way back in the same day. Congratulations horse, the strongest force in all of Yugioh, (second to Yugi’s neck, holding that 70 lb necklace at all hours of the day.)

The girls seem to think that everything is OK initially, mostly because Yugi doesn’t really lose games that often, since the list of ways to beat Yugi in a card game up until now didn’t include “trick Yami into murdering the hell out of Yugi Muto.” Crazy that that actually worked, but Yami isn’t that bright.

PS please admire how chubby this horse appears in this scene.

OK I’m glad we all acknowledged the elephant in the room that was a horse last shot.

Also...maybe he didn’t hug her back because she just shoved a very sharp pyramid necklace straight into his small intestines?

(more under the cut)

I’ll spare you Transatlantacism this time.

Tea is concerned but more surprised than straight up angry. An anger which is more honed by Rebecca because Yami just killed her only friend (other than this horse) and possibly her only future husband that would ever put up with her (other than this horse.)

Like it seems kind of rude in the show out of context that everyone took a moment to lay a big dump on Yami Muto, but can you imagine if you straight up killed your twin (by accident but only by like 75% accident, lets be real) and this was your only punishment?

Like getting punched out is just how Yami treats himself every single day, so I don’t think Joey made too much of a difference in the situation. But you know, it’s Yugioh, so getting punched does is somehow the correct answer.

It was very lucky for Yami that Tea was too busy trying to console Rebecca to punch Yami before Joey got to him first because hot damn that would have sent him straight back to Death Valley.

And then I think this next exchange between Duke and Tristan was somewhat lost in translation. Please admire the censorship here. Safe for kids now.

I say this like a joke but have you seen Equinox? I live in the Bay, so trust me. Equinox is absolutely reviving the Great Leviathan. No doubt in my mind.

Anyway, Rafael and Alister hear Rex and Weevil’s plea to join the evil task force and they’re like...

...yeah, I guess you can apply, why not? No need to interview your or anything before we harass Darts with you.

Like Rafael and Alister were completely bonkers children that were driven to insanity by very extreme circumstances, and then there’s Rex and Weevil. They’re just...kind of middling at cards and that’s it.

But sure, yeah, I’m sure they’ll fit right into the completely maniacal card corporate atmosphere here at DartsCorp. I’m sure Rex and Weevil will jump out of a plane on a motorcycle and then do stunts all the way towards Atlantis Island.

Sure.

(course, now that I think of it, they did introduce themselves to Alister and Rafael by accidentally doing a stunt over a canyon onto a helicopter so...maybe they accidentally think Rex and Weevil are cool?)

Which, in hindsight, makes Mai make a hell of a lot more sense because y’all, they should be SO distracted right now, and shouldn’t let anyone in here who isn’t insane or insanely good at cards. But instead they’re like...I guess you have a duel disk, you’ll work. It’s not like there’s a line of people at the door.

Anyway, because the show has to acknowledge that there might be new viewers, they do their best to try and explain this very lengthy Yugi mechanic as if we’ve never heard it before and honestly, it just sounded like everyone was very frustrated.

Like for reals what is he wearing?

Why are there so few normal ass suits in Yugioh? Why is KAIBA the only person who knows what colors belong on a fitted suit? (And he just wears white, which isn’t a color and is always very safe but youknow it still boggles my mind that the power suit people are so into very friendly soft pastels from Gozaburo, to Pegasus, to Noah, to Darts.)

I would wear this suit to Easter Sunday. Darts just wears it every day.

And so then we get a little insight into what it takes to become an Orichalcos card champion.

While before, Darts just kinda poked Mai in the forehead and she was instantly imbued with Aqua Green Evilness, he decided to do a weird test on Rex and Weevil. Just to make sure they realllllly wanted to be here.

As if they didn’t stow away in a 18 hour flight stuffed into a handbag, hold in their piss for said 18 hours, then get shipped by accident to the Tenderloin, where they were mugged twice, and then get shoved into the trunk of Duke’s car, and then took a broken tandem bike to the hottest desert in America, where they then rode said bike off of a cliff in order to hang onto a flying helicopter.

Like I think this test was unnecessary, I think they want to be here.

But youknow, I think Darts just wanted to torture em for kicks.

And then Rex and Weevil have to grab two of these Oricalchos stones that were farting special effects and were very, very opposed to being owned by Rex and Weevil. But they managed to do it.

And uh congrats--their betrayal has begun!

And I don’t think anyone else on this show even recognized that they freakin left. Like they just kinda disappeared in Death Valley and then Duke was like “eh. They’ll find their way home.”

Kind of incredible that Joey and friends left these two stranded in Death Valley, That alone should have killed Rex and Weevil and like...Wow. Wow is Joey and co such a freakin asshole.

So don’t leave people stranded in Death Valley, they will join a card cult and freakin kill you. If the insane heat doesn’t kill them first.

And then because...I don’t know...I don’t know why, after sending his best and brightest fighters, Darts decided to downgrade and do this:

(based on a true story where a friend of mine worked as an intern in the city, and because they couldn’t pay him a living wage, he lived in a closet at said startup for nearly 2 years. Start-up culture is pretty real, folks, it’s PRETTY REAL. But, on the bright side, at least they had a shower in-house.)

So, I’m gonna go remove my contacts and try to forget how much queso I ate at that Superbowl party.

It was a lot of queso.

and if you just got here, this is a handy link to read these from the start.

PS anyone else pull the Yugioh fest in PAD? Because I have played this game...a lot over the course of 5 years and saved up over 300 free stones for several months in anticipation for this collab and then I pulled Kuriboh about 15 times. Most of you have no idea what that means, but for some of you out there, your heart just broke for me 15 times. (I did get 2 Yugis so I’m fine, but damn it) Then, bro saved up his stones and pulled Seto Kaiba, Marik, and Bakura all in a row. Freakin gotcha games, man. Freakin gotcha games.

[blackkudos]

Rubin Carter

Rubin "Hurricane" Carter (May 6, 1937 – April 20, 2014) was an American-Canadian middleweight boxer who was wrongfully convicted of murder and later released following a petition of habeas corpus after serving almost 20 years in prison.

In 1966, police arrested Carter and acquaintance John Artis for a triple homicide committed at the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson, New Jersey. Police stopped Carter's car and brought him and Artis, also in the car, to the scene of the crime. Carter and Artis were tried twice for the murders in 1967 and 1976 and convicted; both served time in Rahway State Prison. After the second conviction was overturned in 1985, prosecutors chose not to try the case for a third time.

Carter's autobiography, titled The Sixteenth Round, written while he was in prison, was published in 1975 by Warner Books. The story inspired the 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" and the 1999 film The Hurricane (with Denzel Washington playing Carter). From 1993 to 2005, Carter served as executive director of Innocence Canada (Formerly the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted).

Early life

Carter was born in Clifton, New Jersey, the fourth of seven children. He acquired a criminal record and was sentenced to a juvenile reformatory for assault, having stabbed a man in self defense when he was 11. Carter escaped from the reformatory in 1954 and joined the United States Army. A few months after completing infantry basic training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, he was sent to West Germany. While in Germany, Carter began to box for the Army. He was later discharged in 1956 as unfit for service, after four courts-martial. Shortly after his discharge, he was convicted of two muggings and sent to prison.

Boxing career

After his release from prison in September 1961, Carter became a professional boxer. At 5 ft 8 in (1.73 m), Carter was shorter than the average middleweight, but he fought all of his professional career at 155–160 lb (70–72.6 kg). His aggressive style and punching power (resulting in many early-round knockouts) drew attention, establishing him as a crowd favorite and earning him the nickname "Hurricane." After he defeated a number of middleweight contenders—such as Florentino Fernandez, Holley Mims, Gomeo Brennan, and George Benton—the boxing world took notice. The Ring first listed him as one of its "Top 10" middleweight contenders in July 1963. At the end of 1965, they ranked him as the number five middleweight.

He fought six times in 1963, winning four bouts and losing two. He remained ranked in the lower part of the top 10 until December 20, when he surprised the boxing world by flooring past and future world champion Emile Griffith twice in the first round and scoring a technical knockout. That win resulted in The Ring's ranking of Carter as the number three contender for Joey Giardello's world middleweight title. Carter won two more fights (one a decision over future heavyweight champion Jimmy Ellis) in 1964, before meeting Giardello in Philadelphia for a 15-round championship match on December 14. Carter landed a few solid rights to the head in the fourth that left Giardello staggering, but was unable to follow them up, and Giardello took control of the fight in the fifth round. The judges awarded Giardello a unanimous decision.

After that fight, Carter's ranking in The Ring began to decline. He fought nine times in 1965, winning five but losing three of four against contenders Luis Manuel Rodríguez, Dick Tiger, and Harry Scott. Tiger, in particular, floored Carter three times in their match. "It was", Carter said, "the worst beating that I took in my life—inside or outside the ring". During his visit to London (to fight Scott) Carter was involved in an incident in which a shot was fired in his hotel room.

Carter's career record in boxing was 27 wins, 12 losses, and one draw in 40 fights, with 19 total knockouts (8 KOs and 11 TKOs). He received an honorary championship title belt from the World Boxing Council in 1993 (as did Joey Giardello at the same banquet) and was later inducted into the New Jersey Boxing Hall of Fame.

Homicides

At approximately 2:30 a.m. on June 17, 1966, two men entered the Lafayette Bar and Grill at East 18th Street at Lafayette Street in Paterson, New Jersey, and began shooting. The bartender, James Oliver, and a customer, Fred Nauyoks, were killed immediately. A severely wounded customer, Hazel Tanis, died almost a month later, having been shot in the throat, stomach, intestine, spleen and left lung, and having had her arm shattered by shotgun pellets. A third customer, Willie Marins, survived the attack, despite a gunshot wound to the head that cost him the sight in one eye. During questioning, both Marins and Tanis told police that the shooters had been black males, though neither identified Carter or John Artis.Petty criminal Alfred Bello, who had been near the Lafayette that night to burgle a factory, was an eyewitness. Bello later testified that he was approaching the Lafayette when two black males—one carrying a shotgun, the other a pistol—came around the corner walking towards him. He ran from them, and they got into a white car that was double-parked near the Lafayette.

Bello was one of the first people on the scene of the shootings, as was Patricia (Patty) Valentine, a resident on the second floor (above the Lafayette Bar and Grill). Valentine told the police that she saw two black males get into a white car and drive off. Another neighbor, Ronald Ruggiero, also heard the shots, and said that, from his window, he saw Alfred Bello running west on Lafayette Street toward 16th Street. He then heard the screech of tires and saw a white car shoot past, heading west, with two black males in the front seat.Both Bello and Valentine gave police a description of the car that was the same. Valentine's testimony, in which she initially stated that the car had rear lights which lit up completely like butterflies, changed when she testified during the second trial to an accurate description of Carter's car, which had conventional taillights with aluminum decoration in a butterfly shape. The prosecution theorized that the dissimilarity in Valentine's description was the result of a misreading of a court transcript by the defense.

Investigation, indictment and first conviction

Hours before the triple murder, Carter was searching for guns that he had lost a year earlier. Carter was driving a white Dodge Polara, which was notable for its out-of-state license plate with blue background and gold lettering and taillights with butterfly-shaped aluminium decoration. Ten minutes after the murder, police stopped Carter's car. The police, who were searching for a vehicle with three occupants, let Carter go.Minutes later, the same police officers solicited a description of the getaway car from eyewitness Al Bello. He described the car as white with "a geometric design, sort of a butterfly type design in the back of the car", and as bearing out-of-state license plates with blue background and orange lettering. On hearing this description, the police realized that Al Bello was describing a car similar to the one that they had only moments earlier let go.

When police found Carter's car they stopped it and brought Carter and another occupant, John Artis, to the scene about 31 minutes after the incident. The police took no fingerprints at the crime scene, and lacked the facilities to test Carter and Artis for gunshot residue.

On searching the car about 45 minutes later, Detective Emil DiRobbio found a live .32 caliber pistol round under the front passenger seat and a 12-gauge shotgun shell in the trunk. Firearms Identification later established that the murder weapons had been a .32 caliber pistol and a 12-gauge shotgun. The defense later raised questions about this evidence, as it was not logged with a property clerk until five days after the murders. The prosecution responded to this line of questioning by producing a report lodged 75 minutes after the murders that documented the presence of the .32 caliber pistol round and 12-gauge shotgun shell. The defense was able to show that the bullet found in the Carter car was brass cased, rather than copper coated like those found at the Lafayette Bar, and that the shotgun shell found in the Carter car was an older model, with a different wad and color. In response, the prosecution argued that the metal and make of the retrieved ammunition was meaningless because the ammunition found at the crime scene was also dissimilar. Furthermore, the ammunition found in the car was usable by the murder weapons.

The police took Carter and Artis to police headquarters and questioned them. Witnesses did not identify them as the killers and they were released. Carter and Artis voluntarily appeared before a grand jury, which did not return an indictment.

Several months later, Bello disclosed to the police that he had an accomplice during the attempted burglary, one Arthur Dexter Bradley. On further questioning, Bello and Bradley both identified Carter as one of the two males they had seen carrying weapons outside the bar on the night of the murders. Bello also identified Artis as the other. Based on this additional evidence, Carter and Artis were arrested and indicted.

At the 1967 trial, Carter was represented by well-known attorney Raymond A. Brown. Brown focused on inconsistencies in some of the descriptions given by eyewitnesses Marins and Bello. The defense also produced a number of alibi witnesses who testified that Carter and Artis had been in the Nite Spot (a nearby bar) at about the time of the shootings. Both men were convicted. Prosecutors sought the death penalty, but jurors recommended that each defendant receive a life sentence for each murder. Judge Samuel Larner imposed two consecutive and one concurrent life sentence on Carter, and three concurrent life sentences on Artis.

In 1974, Bello and Bradley recanted their identifications of Carter and Artis, and these recantations were used as the basis for a motion for a new trial. Judge Samuel Larner denied the motion on December 11, saying that the recantations "lacked the ring of truth."

Despite Larner's ruling, Madison Avenue advertising executive George Lois organized a campaign on Carter's behalf, which led to increasing public support for a retrial or pardon. Muhammad Ali lent his support to the campaign (including publicly wishing Carter good luck on his appeal during the airing of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson on September 7, 1973). Bob Dylan co-wrote (with Jacques Levy) and performed a song called "Hurricane" (1975), which declared that Carter was innocent. On December 7, 1975, Dylan performed the song at a concert at Trenton State Prison, where Carter was temporarily an inmate.

However, during the hearing on the recantations, defense attorneys also argued that Bello and Bradley had lied during the 1967 trial, telling the jurors that they had made only certain narrow, limited deals with prosecutors in exchange for their trial testimony. A detective taped one interrogation of Bello in 1966, and when it was played during the recantation hearing, defense attorneys argued that the tape revealed promises beyond what Bello had testified to. If so, prosecutors had either had a Brady obligation to disclose this additional exculpatory evidence, or a duty to disclose the fact that their witnesses had lied on the stand.

Larner denied this second argument as well, but the New Jersey Supreme Court unanimously held that the evidence of various deals made between the prosecution and witnesses Bello and Bradley should have been disclosed to the defense before or during the 1967 trial as this could have "affected the jury's evaluation of the credibility" of the eyewitnesses. "The defendants' right to a fair trial was substantially prejudiced", said Justice Mark Sullivan. The court set aside the original convictions and granted Carter and Artis a new trial.

Despite the difficulties of prosecuting a ten-year-old case, Prosecutor Burrell Ives Humphreys decided to try Carter and Artis again. To ensure, as best he could, that he did not use perjured testimony to obtain a conviction, Humphreys had Bello polygraphed—once by Leonard H. Harrelson and a second time by Richard Arther, both well-known and respected experts in the field. Both men concluded that Bello was telling the truth when he said that he had seen Carter outside the Lafayette immediately after the murders.

However, Harrelson also reported orally that Bello had been inside the bar shortly before and at the time of the shooting, a conclusion that contradicted Bello's 1967 trial testimony wherein he had said that he had been on the street at the time of the shooting. Despite this oral report, Harrelson's subsequent written report stated that Bello's 1967 testimony had been truthful.

Second conviction and appeal

During the new trial in 1976, Alfred Bello repeated his 1967 testimony, identifying Carter and Artis as the two armed men he had seen outside the Lafayette Grill. Bradley refused to cooperate with prosecutors, and neither prosecution nor defense called him as a witness.

The defense responded with testimony from multiple witnesses who identified Carter at the locations he claimed to be at when the murders happened. Investigator Fred Hogan, whose efforts had led to the recantations of Bello and Bradley, appeared as a defense witness. Hogan was asked on cross examinations whether any bribes or inducements were offered to Bello to secure his recantation, which Hogan denied. His original handwritten notes on his conversations with Bello were entered into evidence. The defense also pointed out the inconsistencies in the testimony of Patricia Valentine, and read the 1967 testimony of William Marins, who had died in 1973, noting that his descriptions of the shooters were drastically different from Artis and Carter's actual appearances.

The court also heard testimony from a Carter associate that Passaic County prosecutors had tried to pressure her into testifying against Carter. Prosecutors denied the charge. After deliberating for almost nine hours, the jury again found Carter and Artis guilty of the murders. Judge Leopizzi re-imposed the same sentences on both men: a double life sentence for Carter, a single life sentence for Artis.

Artis was paroled in 1981. Carter's attorneys continued to appeal. In 1982, the Supreme Court of New Jersey affirmed his convictions (4–3). Although the justices felt that the prosecutors should have disclosed Harrelson's oral opinion (about Bello's location at the time of the murders) to the defense, only a minority thought this was material. The majority thus concluded that the prosecution had not withheld information the Brady disclosure law required them to provide to the defense.

According to bail bondswoman Carolyn Kelley, in 1975–1976 she helped raise funds to win a second trial for Carter, which resulted in his release on bail in March 1976. On a fund-raising trip the following month, Kelley said the boxer beat her severely over a disputed hotel bill. The Philadelphia Daily News reported the alleged beating in a front-page story several weeks later, and celebrity support for Carter quickly eroded, though Carter denied the accusation and there was insufficient evidence for legal prosecution. Mae Thelma Basket, whom Carter had married in 1963, divorced him after their second child was born, because she found out that he had been unfaithful to her.

Federal court action

In 1985, Carter's attorneys filed a petition for a writ of habeas corpus in federal court. Later that year, Judge Haddon Lee Sarokin of the United States District Court for the District of New Jersey granted the writ, noting that the prosecution had been "predicated upon an appeal to racism rather than reason, and concealment rather than disclosure," and set aside the convictions. Carter, 48 years old, was freed without bail in November 1985.

Prosecutors appealed Sarokin's ruling to the Third Circuit Court of Appeals and filed a motion with the court to return Carter to prison pending the outcome of the appeal. The court denied this motion and eventually upheld Sarokin's opinion, affirming his Brady analysis without commenting on his other rationale.

The prosecutors appealed to the United States Supreme Court, which declined to hear the case.

Prosecutors therefore could have tried Carter (and Artis) a third time, but decided not to, and filed a motion to dismiss the original indictments. "It is just not legally feasible to sustain a prosecution, and not practical after almost 22 years to be trying anyone," said New Jersey Attorney General W. Cary Edwards. Acting Passaic County Prosecutor John P. Goceljak said several factors made a retrial impossible, including Bello's "current unreliability" as a witness and the unavailability of other witnesses. Goceljak also doubted whether the prosecution could reintroduce the racially motivated crime theory due to the federal court rulings. A judge granted the motion to dismiss, bringing an end to the legal proceedings.

Post emancipation

Carter lived in Toronto, Ontario, where he became a Canadian citizen, and was executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted (AIDWYC) from 1993 until 2005. Carter resigned when the AIDWYC declined to support Carter's protest of the appointment (to a judgeship) of Susan MacLean, who was the prosecutor of Canadian Guy Paul Morin, who served over eighteen months in prison for rape and murder until exonerated by DNA evidence.

Carter's second marriage was to Lisa Peters. The couple separated later.

In 1996, Carter, then 59, was arrested when Toronto police mistakenly identified him as a suspect in his thirties believed to have sold drugs to an undercover officer. He was released after the police realized their error.

Carter often served as a motivational speaker. On October 14, 2005, he received two honorary Doctorates of Law, one from York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) and one from Griffith University (Brisbane, Queensland, Australia), in recognition of his work with AIDWYC and the Innocence Project. Carter received the Abolition Award from Death Penalty Focus in 1996.

Prostate cancer and death

In March 2012, while attending the International Justice Conference in Burswood, Western Australia, Carter revealed that he had terminal prostate cancer. At the time, doctors gave him between three and six months to live. Beginning shortly after that time, John Artis lived with and cared for Carter, and on April 20, 2014, he confirmed that Carter had succumbed to his illness. He was afterwards cremated and his ashes were scattered in part over Cape Cod and in part at a horse farm in Kentucky.

In the months leading up to his death, Carter worked for the exoneration of David McCallum, a Brooklyn man who has been incarcerated since 1985 on charges of murder. Two months before his death, Carter published "Hurricane Carter's Dying Wish," an opinion piece in the New York Daily News, in which he asked for an independent review of McCallum's conviction. "I request only that McCallum be granted a full hearing by the Brooklyn conviction integrity unit, now under the auspices of the new district attorney, Ken Thompson. Knowing what I do, I am certain that when the facts are brought to light, Thompson will recommend his immediate release ... Just as my own verdict 'was predicated on racism rather than reason and on concealment rather than disclosure,' as Sarokin wrote, so too was McCallum's," Carter wrote. On Wednesday, October 15, 2014, McCallum was exonerated.

In popular culture

Carter's story inspired:

The 1975 Bob Dylan song "Hurricane" proclaimed that Carter was innocent. Carter appeared as himself in Dylan's 1978 movie Renaldo and Clara. In the 2019 film Rolling Thunder Revue: A Bob Dylan Story by Martin Scorsese, Dylan talked about his involvement with the Carter case and Carter was also interviewed in the film, describing his relationship with Dylan.

Norman Jewison's 1999 feature film The Hurricane, starring Denzel Washington in the lead role. The film is about Rubin Carter's accusation, trials, and time spent in prison. Carter later discussed at a lecture how he fell in love with Washington's portrayal of him during auditions for The Hurricane, noting that boxer Marvelous Marvin Hagler and actors Wesley Snipes and Samuel L. Jackson all vied for the role. Washington was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance at the 72nd Academy Awards.

[bookio]

Report from a Slaughterhouse (2020) by Lina Gustafsson

It's a journalistic book from the perspective of the author, a veterinarian, and what she witnessed when working at a slaughterhouse for pigs.

Oof, i've never felt so physically sick by reading a book. Many times i felt like puking by the vivid descriptions of intestines and blood and fat and the handling of the pigs, and the pigs panic and anxiety.

She goes into detail of the whole process and how the daily work look like. The psychological manner of the staff (regular people that get stressed just like everyone else), but also the old veterinarian reports covering-up animal abuse to save the slaughterhouse image, how workplace pressure can affect important things like that.

"The workers knock intensely on the walls to make them walk forward, but if they don't notice me standing right next to them, they hit the animals straight on. Bengt also hits them over their back, when they are already moving forward. It feels like bullying at this stage, someone small becoming the punching bag for no reason. These pigs have never done any harm. Their bodies give us all the food on the table, more or less literally. And on the way there they are beaten. The last hour I have to bite down to stop myself from crying. The tears well up when I leave the stable." — page 67

"Pig teaching is based on reality: we work in a system where animals are resources. A sow should either be pregnant or lactating! This is how the lecture begins on in production of sows. These animals have not been put into the world to rest. The piglets are the raw material and the sow the producer, until she herself becomes meat. Between the days of her being taken away from her piglets and she being inseminated again, she is counted as "empty" and only costs money. If the company does not make a profit, neither the pig farmer nor the veterinarian will have a job. It costs to keep sows alive so if they do not become pregnant, it is important to knock them out early, the instruction to the veterinary students continues." — page 96

There's not much to say, she questions the old manners of the slaughterhouse and meat process. Feel honestly i will step away from meat as much as i can after reading this book. 5/5 stars, awful but very important read!

- - - - -

An Old Bourgeois Home (1915) by Jeanna Oterdahl

The story is about two childhood friends, a wealthy kid and a poor kid. The wealthy one grows up to inherit his father's brewery and marries a woman from the same class, who eventually birth him four children.

The poor kid grows up to find comfort in faith and becomes a priest. He marries too, get two daughters but also welcome orphans into their home. The wife dies, and two years later the priest is pushed into a river by the recoil of his hunter's gun, hitting his head and drowns - where our story begins!

Without the priest, the household slowly falls apart. The homeless kids finds shelter elsewhere but the daughters that have no education or allowed to take part of the priest salary (because they are girls?), goes on a scavenger hunt for family members to take them in.

Their mother had no relatives, but through old letters they find out that their father had a sister - so they travels by foot and hitchhike horse wagons to get themselves from Dalarna to Stockholm. When they get there, they learn that the aunt died many years ago.

Meanwhile, the old childhood friend is visited by the priest in his dream. Telling him about the situation, the brewer promises to find and adopt his lost daughters.

Their house is now filled with 8 characters to keep track on (the couple, their 4 kids and the priest's 2 children), it's a mess.

New names with background stories are introduced all the time in this book, to then never be heard of again. I'm naively thinking "ok, how will this built-up character interact with them next?" but nothing never comes out if, why!

The book span from the eldest daughter of the priest coming into the new house at 13, and ending the book by age 18. Her youngest sister is mostly in the background doing nothing really.

Small events happen: One of the brewery daughters wants to get herself a job and become self-sufficiency but gets shut down by her father because she "has enough work to do at home" like housework...

But one of his sons, Tomas, is allowed to leave with a friend to try out a business idea.

The oldest priest's daughter, and the oldest brewery son falls in love with each other. They talk very Shakespeary with each other and are so old timey soft, best bit in the book imo.

The fourth brewery daughter, can see and talk to a male angel that punishes her if she has self-doubt? I honestly wanted to know more about this but there really wasn't anything beside her promising to do better in the future.

The book ends with Tomas returning only to inform that his business idea crashed, and he need help to pay off the 100 000 SEK in debt. The father agrees to give him money for the debt, only to then PROMPTLY DIE right then and there.

The wealthy household learns that the brewery has actually been sold to some smooth-talker, and now with the debt payed off, they only have 75 000 SEK left to live of.

Tomas becomes the head of the household because the oldest son wants to marry his fostersister instead. He eventually creates a fancy wooden clock and everyone is happy because they're gonna make a business out of it and becomes wealthy again. The end.

It was okay, the hecking old writing was interesting. Honestly enjoyed the love language, the death of the priest and sprinkles of supernatural forces. Cover art = superpretty. Overall 2/5 stars.

[fibropdx]

Intro

Well, here we go.

It's currently 10:47 at night. I'm lying on my side in bed, legs stretched out because, even though I'm not currently having an intestinal cramping episode, there is a lot of gurgling going on and we all know how that can lead to one... Well, at least, I know how. This is a fairly recent development for me. I believe two weeks ago (I'm terrible at keeping track of things, a side effect of brain fog and just general forgetfulness, hence this new blog), I woke up in the morning with some sharp pains in my intestines. Really weird. It happened for about 3 minutes, stopped, and then 20 minutes later came back with a vengeance. I called out of work, thinking that it was a stomach virus since a coworker had recently been out sick. I took an anti-nausea pill, ate a couple saltines (a usual safe food for me), and laid down. 20 minutes later, more cramps, with even worse pain than before. But before I get further, a little background for anyone who is wanting to follow along (this blog is for me, but I've made a lot of progress with my health from the experiences of others, and so I know how helpful transparency can be).

I am 29 years old. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a couple years ago by my PCP whom I've been seeing for about 4-5 years. I've been having Fibro-like symptoms since as young as age 9. I've had many of these symptoms for so long, I went most of my life assuming that everyone had pressure points on their body, that everyone immediately forgets things if they don't focus and write them down right away (ADD and brain fog are not a good pair), that everyone feels every day as if they were in a car wreck that morning, that immediate bruising from lightly bumping into things was normal. I'm still realizing symptoms I have that aren't normal just because I would never think of them as irregular. The last three years has been the worst of it: realizing that my pain levels and symptoms were getting worse, I decided to take a chance and quit my extremely stable job to take a jab at cosmetology school before I couldn't push myself physically anymore. I was on honor roll every term. I had the highest sales ratings in my class. I worked my ass off and pushed through the pain. And I made my Fibro worse because of it. Nearly halfway through my schooling, I realized my brain fog had gotten so bad that I couldn't understand my instructor. There was no way I could make it in an industry that relies on returning clients when I would never know if I had to cancel randomly on my guests. Who would want a hair stylist who cancels last minute because they can't hold their shears that day, or because they're too nauseous to even stand? My pain levels went from a daily manageable 4 (on a scale of 1-10) to a 7 in six months. I had to give up my health insurance (and my ability to see my PCP; thanks, US healthcare) when Ieft my job to pursue my dream. I couldn't risk it getting to a level 10 in the seven more months I had left of school. So, with a debt of $10k and a handful of new symptoms, I dropped out (que "Beauty School Dropout" à la Grease) and took a month off from working or doing anything to sleep and try to recuperate enough to get a job again. My previous employer, wonderful as always, went to the limit to reemploy me, although I couldn't have the job I had before. But, more on that another time.

So, back to the cramps. I mentioned before that, after going to school and making my Fibro worse, my pain levels were at a level 7. Since I'm now back on my old insurance and can see my PCP again, we put me on pain medication to get me down to level 4 again (even a 3 on good days!) A little background for those of you who don't know me: medication isn't my thing. I have NO problem with people who use medication to fix their health, physical and mental. My stubbornness is not a reflection on anyone elses personal decision. If I had listened to my PCP and had started taking pain medication before I made my Fibro worse, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. Or maybe it would have just masked the issue and I wouldn't know how bad it is. But I digress.

So, TLDR; pain levels are back to a level 4ish on regular medication. These cramps I was now having? A level 9. Easy. I'm super stubborn. I've had period cramps at a level 8, I'll hold out for a lot. A level 9 is my "Time to go to the ER!" level. But this is America. Let's get real. A copay for Urgent Care is more affordable, so the hubby came home from work and took me there. The PA poked around my intestines, asked some questions. Determined it wasn't a virus (no idea how since no blood work or urine sample were done). Gave me a prescription for an antacid (??) and suggested my PCP prescribe me an antispasmatic (because she couldn't?? She didn't say).

My PCP is great. He'll respond to emails, and u already had been in contact with him through email since the morning, hoping there was an easy fix. He sent in the prescription for the antispasmatic, hubby picked it up, and I went home.

I have a great friend whom I've known since middle school. We've always been close, and unfortunately she's my Fibro buddy. She's had it longer than I have, so she's always been a good sounding board for me. So I messaged her about my symptoms. Turns out she's been having this symptom since she was 17 (I cried, I can't imagine living with this pain). Since we didn't know if it was the same thing causing mine (certain foods flare hers up mostly), she gave me instructions on how to take my backup pain medication and dose out everything so that I can sleep and hope everything is fine in the morning, how to position my body to relieve the cramping a little, how to apply deep pressure therapy to help. I really would be lost without her.

So, I slept, woke up probably six times that night from cramping, although thankfully my backup pain meds did help lessen them to where I didn't feel like a scene from Alien was about to happen. I tried to wait it out. By the third day I got in with another PCP at my PCPs office (he didn't have any openings) and she was much more thorough than Urgent Care: urine test, sent me to the nearest hospital for blood work and an ultrasound to rule out appendicitis. Nada.

So, that was two weeks ago. I'm about 75% sure by now that whatever is triggering the cramping is food related. I barely ate anything the four days the cramps were at their worst, and finally braved a slow rise spelt sourdough bread that the hubby had to go to a local bakery to find (thank you, Portland, for being so fresh food centered), and that didn't cause cramping! Hurray! I'm currently on the Low FODMAP diet (and WOW is there a lot of bad info about it on Tumblr) and so far it seems to be helping, although it's hard to stick to it since I already had restrictions in my diet.

And now it's 11:29 at night. Sheesh. I'll try to write another entry tomorrow. My hope is that, as I go along with my blog, the posts will get shorter and become more of a diary of symptoms and perhaps shed some light for me as to what is triggering things. I'm also aware that sometimes the body does things just because it's a jerk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, if you read all this, give yourself a pat on the back and eat some chocolate cake if you can, eat it for me. Because I want it so bad 😂

[aldmerii-blog]

2, 3, 13, 31, 52 for floriel and cirion please!

AHHH ur,, the best 

pulling from here

2. WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S FAVORITE MEMORY?

floriel:

when she was about ten, her father took her and her brothers to one of alinor’s spire gardens, and she got lost. the first person she found was an altmer lady, who she remembers as some ethereal, celestial beauty but can’t quite actually recall her face, sat by a fountain with whatever the altmer equivalent of a lyre is, and they sat together and she showed her how to play until her father came back for her. 

when she’s scared she thinks about that. sometimes she wonders if the lady was real, and no matter what thinks of her as a protector in all times of trouble. 

cirion:

he didn’t serve very long as a soldier (he’s a talented mage but doesn’t really have the constitution to go on martial tours) but he did enjoy it. and he can’t pinpoint exactly where it happened or when, and in fact it might be a conglomeration of a couple different nights, but just. sitting around a table in a tavern on the coast of valenwood, on the supply line of troops being led through the green to continue the assault on cyrodiil, but they’re not thinking about that now, they’re drinking good wine and listening to the other patrons singing and maybe joining in on the songs they know, telling jokes, being generally undignified, young, cocky soldiers. it made him feel like part of something, more than fighting or governing ever did, and he carries that feeling with him always. 

3. WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S LEAST FAVORITE MEMORY?

floriel:

she doesn’t really like violence, first off. she gets things done with words and leaves the torture and executions to other folks (and not at all, if her marks are cooperative). she was holing up with elenwen for a little while and heard some “advanced interrogation tactics” going on in the basement that were very clearly not working, so she stepped in, played kind sympathetic diplomat. and she convinced the man they were interrogating to confess, to give up other talos worshippers in exchange for light sentencing for all of them. 

and then when she called her comrades back in to hear the confession, they just killed him. in front of her. he looked her in the eyes as he died and she’ll never be able to shake that. 

cirion:

he was part of the force that laid siege to anvil. there weren’t a lot of deaths on the dominion’s side of the conflict, but there still certainly were deaths. one of them was a close friend, disemboweled and left to bleed out in the dirt. cirion got to him a bit too late for magic to be able to do any good, and he can quite distinctly remember trying to push his friend’s intestines back into his body so he could at least try to heal him. he can remember how they felt in his hands, and the smell of it. too well. 

he ended up killing him so he wouldn’t have to suffer the slow death allotted to him. 

13. WHAT WOULD YOUR CHARACTER DIE FOR?

floriel:

nothing. her allegiance is to the dominion, sure, and she would certainly tell you she’d defend it to her dying breath, but if someone captured her and held a knife to her throat and told her to inform or die? she’d inform. the words couldn’t come out of her mouth fast enough. 

i think she’d die for cirion, once they’re married. but that’s really it. 

cirion:

he says he’d die for a lot of things. his people, his country, his family. but it’s been a long time since he ever actually had to walk the walk and even when he did, he didn’t walk it for long. still, he did fight for his country, did nearly die for them, so that counts. 

31. WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE?

floriel:

she would be a social media guru, i’m gonna be real w/ ya chief. she’s playful and cute and really good at uhh holding her cards close to her chest. so she’d post videos of like her little pet monkey and those really peaceful videos of people playing harps out in nature on instagram, and like, skincare routines and vacation shots that look somewhere between staged and candid. and then sometimes she gets real, when something big happens, like she’ll post a picture of her tv running a news reel and add some sort of social commentary. she keeps it mild but you can tell she’s got strong opinions on whatever it is. 

cirion:

he’d have a private facebook where he has like 75 friends, all of whom he knows personally. and he’s decently active there? he recognizes that it’s important to keep his friends and family updated on his life. 

and then he’d probably have a public twitter where he shares news articles and gets into political debates. he’s snarky and while most of his tweets are legit commentary sometimes he quote tweets ulfric stormcloak and just adds “piss your pants” 

52. HOW WOULD YOUR CHARACTER ACT IN GYM CLASS?

floriel:

she’s an acrobatic lil thing. she’s not good at running and not particularly competitive so i imagine her just like. doing stretches and gossiping along the wall while everyone else is playing dodgeball. 

cirion:

he’s...fine, i guess? perfectly adequate, physically. like, yeah, he can run a mile. he get picked sixth or seventh in dodgeball. he doesn’t like gym because it gets him sweaty and he has to completely shower afterwards and doesn’t have enough time between the end of gym and the start of the next period to get properly clean and coiffed but you do what you have to do. 

[golfiyas-us]

Eco Golf Balls and Eco Golf Tees - Why They Matter

Did you know that in the US alone, it's estimated over 300 million golf company are missing per year? Yes, dozens insanity are reclaimed, but nowhere near the capacity that are lost. Now let's dialogue maxfli rubber range tees. Stick with me, and we'll do some simple math.

486 million rounds of golf played annually (The National Golf Foundation/ US / 2009) Average golfer uses 6 tees / round 75% using wooden tees (PGA estimates 90% of professional use wooden tees; using conservative 75% for general public) 2,187,000,000 total estimated golf tees consumed per year! Combine the lost golf testicles with the used golf tees and you have an incredible count of golf 'trash' left lying around on those beautiful series where we play. Compelling, isn't it? That's why using eco-friendly golf nonsense and eco-friendly golf tees DOES matter.

So, you ask, what is the difference between a regular golf paradise and an eco-friendly golf ball? Read on and learn about three top-sellers.

The Wilson Eco Core golf globe has a hearts molded from unvulcanized automobile tires instead of the polybutadiene used in 99% of all other golf balls. The packaging does away with sleeves, and uses a recycled "pizza" cardboard bins approach. The webs impression is a planet that uses 40% less materials and intestines to produce.

The Dixon Earth golf bliss is "green" to the core. The Dixon Earth ball's core is made from a proprietor polymer that maintains the playable property of the ball, but ensures that it is 100% renewable. In addition to the core, the entire Dixon Earth domain is manufactured with materials that can be recycled and used to type other consumer products.

The Eco Tournament Sleeve contains three boldness that are molded over a ordinances size Recycled Rubber Core. They also feature a Recycled Plastic Surlyn lid with an improved high merit LS 432 dimple design. These insanity feature the Recycled Symbol and ECO name printed opposite your branding.

As for eco-friendly golf tee options, I recommend using biodegradable tees. Our biodegradable tees are made of cellulose, starch and other natural polymers. These tees degrade in just six to twelve weeks! As for their play, you'll find these biodegradable tees won't scoop up your club face, they are more durable than wooden tees, and they won't slow your swing expedition on impact.

Price points of eco-friendly golf nonsense and eco-friendly golf tees are very comparable to their non-eco counterparts. You won't see an effect on your budget by replacing to eco-friendly golf products. (Although you may realize some positive PR!)

If your firm has a sustainability viewpoint in place, eco-friendly golf commodities evidence be a natural fascination for your promotional marketing. Whether or not you have a formal policies in place, choose eco-friendly golf products. It's just the benefit entity to do.

Jean A Braun is a promotional marketing professional, with over 18 years of trade experience. Her website, is the backwash of her passon for promotional marketing and the prey of golf, along with her religion in entity socially responsible.

When observing for unique branding methods, you can ruler on the complexity and thing Jean has to offer. Visit https://golfiya.com/product-category/accessories/golf-tees/ to liaison Jean and industry more information.

[nicolekidmanwigfactory]

Who would you cast in a Passion revival?

@kissofchita also asked this but you slipped into my inbox first so i’m answering yours:

The only casts I’ve thought of are people who should not be in it. Passion is too close to my heart to think of a sincere revival cast. Instead, I will give both of a you a shit-show cast, the cast I would choose if I had an endless supply of money (after donating to righteous causes, of course) to spend on a production without regard for profit or acclaim.

Fosca: the owl from the old Tootsie Pop commercials projected onto the set, but it’s also wearing a funeral shawl. we hire someone to sing if Kate Bush isn’t available.Giorgio: a gay porn star I randomly cast when I was drunk, horny, and feeling lonely (our relationship is strictly professional)Clara: Danny DeVitoColonel Ricci: the intrusive thoughts of your recently deceased grandpa watching over you that you get the first time you masturbate after he dies (the “art” people can make this one work. I’m just the brains)Doctor: Barack ObamaCount Ludovic: the population of AustriaEnsemble: Nightly, the stage manager hires one person away from the ensemble of one of the other Broadway shows, but the other show is not informed of their leaving. I pay off the board of Equity and pretty soon, the other shows cannot keep up with hiring replacements and my endless supply of funding allows us pay hefty salaries to prevent them from returning and our production of Passion is soon the only show left on the Great White Way. One week, I neglect to mail the check to cover the week’s production costs and soon after, the show closes. I am nowhere to be found my bloated corpse turns up on Staten Island beach. During the autopsy, the ME finds my stomach and intestines stuffed with Kenyan shillings in the exact amount of the check I neglected to mail. Barack Obama is the suspect but cleared when Joe Biden fist bumps the NY Governor and cracks a smile at the Staten Island DA. Republicans are outraged at Obama’s lack of repercussions, so they investigate Hillary Clinton for Joe Biden’s plagiarized speech during his 1988 presidential run. During her 57 hour testimony on Capitol Hill, she mentions some of the Broadway shows she saw after she lost the election to Trump, including our production of Passion. She praises the ingenius casting of President Obama as Doctor Tambourri. Trump, outraged at being outshone by his predecessor yet again, before being forced to resign the presidency, somehow manages to get Congress to pass legislation forcing my estate to fund another production of Passion. They fight this all the way to the Supreme Court but the swing vote, Associate Justice Kid Rock, sides with his colleagues on the bench, Justices Tim Allen, Jon Voigt, Bruce Willis, and Charlie Sheen, to declare it constitutional. So another revival of Passion is put on, with the above cast, but disgraced former President Trump (the Supreme Court having allowed him to pardon himself) playing Doctor Tambourri and, since the Broadway community is still devastated by the previous Passion revival, the entire Ensemble. Somehow, his performance is more of a stain on his reputation than his entire presidency and Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine both refuse to allow anymore productions of the show during their lifetimes, with both putting on a 75-year moratorium on productions beginning after the death of whoever passes last with the option given to the activating estate to extend it an additional 50 years.

[nefarioussdotcom-blog]

How to Identify and Cure Fatigue

Are you feeling tired, wiped out, or spent? Is going to work a struggle regardless of how many hours of sleep you get? Have the activities you once enjoyed become a burden?

Chances are that you are one of the millions of people suffering from fatigue. Depending on the duration of symptoms, how debilitating the symptoms are, and the concurrence of various other issues like sleep problems or cognitive impairment, the official medical diagnosis that one might be given by a medical doctor is generally either “idiopathic chronic fatigue” or “chronic fatigue syndrome/systemic exertion intolerance disease.”

Let’s break down the basics of exactly what chronic fatigue is, why it’s so common today, and the approach we use to help our members regain their energy and find their optimal well-being.

Are you experiencing symptoms of chronic fatigue?

The prevalence of fatigue is on the rise. A study done in 2007, and published in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, showed that the prevalence of fatigue in the US workforce was almost 40% and that workers with fatigue cost employers $136.4 billion annually in health-related lost productive time.

Symptoms of chronic fatigue can mimic a number of disorders and aren’t always easily recognizable. Below are some of the most common causes and symptoms that are associated with chronic fatigue.

Common symptoms of fatigue:

Autoimmune conditions.

Brain fog.

Depression.

Hormone imbalance.

Skin conditions like acne.

Difficulty sleeping.

Hair loss.

Sweet and salty food cravings.

Potential causes of fatigue:

Prolonged stress.

Lack of sleep.

Poor diet.

Undetected food sensitivities.

Over-reliance on stimulants like caffeine.

How to overcome fatigue

A patient named Josie recently came to us with a long-standing history of fatigue. She had symptoms since graduating from college 7 years ago and clearly qualified for the diagnosis of “chronic fatigue syndrome/systemic exertion intolerance disease”.

In conventional medicine, the treatments that are recommended for chronic fatigue consist of cognitive behavioral therapy, anti-depressant pharmaceutical medications, graded exercise therapy, sleep hygiene, discouraging over-sleeping, and referrals to support groups. Unfortunately, none of these treatments effectively address the root cause of what the fatigue is. It’s no wonder that more than half of patients with chronic fatigue don’t improve after a year of therapy.

Not only did Josie suffer from fatigue, she was also suffering from chronic digestive issues, irritable bowel syndrome, autoimmune thyroiditis and hypothyroidism (treated by an endocrinologist), insomnia, body aches, cystic acne, weight gain, PMS, anxiety, and depression. In a standard conventional model, she probably would have been referred to a rheumatologist, sleep specialist, psychiatrist and dermatologist, in addition to her endocrinologist.

Luckily for Josie we understand the inter-connectedness of the body and treat people as a whole, instead of breaking them down by organ system. We were able to partner with her in addressing all of her problems. There are usually other symptoms that accompany fatigue. This is due to the fact that fatigue is usually just a down-stream symptom of imbalances in the body that tend to present in a multitude of ways. The investigative work of figuring out the root cause of Josie’s fatigue was just beginning.

Testing to determine the root cause of your fatigue.

In order to figure out what was causing her symptoms, in addition to regular conventional blood testing, we ordered Josie more extensive blood work, salivary hormone testing, digestive testing consisting of a stool and breath tests, and genetic testing. She was found to have yeast overgrowth in her intestines, positive autoimmune inflammatory tests, hormonal imbalance, and nutrient deficiencies.

4 steps to heal chronic fatigue.

1. Optimize gut health.

First, Josie was given supplements and medications to treat her yeast overgrowth. Addressing this chronic intestinal infection in her microbiome (the compilation of trillions of bacteria that live within our intestines) not only corrected her digestion but also helped to heal her leaky gut.

THE FOLLOWING PRODUCTS CAN ASSIST WITH THIS PROCESS.

Leaky gut, or intestinal permeability, is caused by inflammation in the cells that line the digestive tract. This inflammation can be caused by an infection, chronic stress, inflammatory foods like gluten and sugar, or medications like ibuprofen. Leaky gut leads to auto-immunity (when the immune system attacks part of our own bodies) by disrupting the barrier between the contents of our intestines and our bloodstream. When this barrier is disrupted, the bacteria, food, and immune complexes within our digestive tracts can seep into our bloodstream and cause chronic inflammation, and even hyper-reactivity of the immune system against part of our own body.

Most people with symptoms of fatigue will also present with some evidence of leaky gut. Not only does leaky gut lead to autoimmunity, but it also leads to nutrient deficiencies, because of the subsequent inability to absorb nutrients from the food we eat.

2. Incorporate stress reduction techniques.

Josie was also encouraged to begin a regular meditation practice and to harness thoughts of gratitude, compassion, and peace, and to picture herself in a healthy state six months from that time. These types of visualizations and emotions are necessary on a daily basis in order for our bodies to heal.

When we spend much of our time with negative thinking and anxiety, our bodies perceive that we are in survival mode. If we live in a chronic state of survival, then our brains will be surrounded by high levels of cortisol and adrenaline which can eventually cause the size of our hippocampus (aka the memory center) to decrease and can even shrink our muscles. These effects contribute to feelings of fatigue. Meditation on a regular basis switches the brain from survival into healing and resting mode and will counteract these effects.

3. Address nutrient deficiencies.

We also addressed Josie’s various nutrient deficiencies. She was given supplements and a nutritional plan that would replenish her levels of vitamin D, B vitamins, and magnesium. - Briefcase Bombshells can offer you the same.  Have a look here.  These products assist in natural well being.

These nutrients are low in most people in our country. We are not outside in the sunshine every day, and therefore lack vitamin D. Our soil is over-farmed by the farming industry, and practices like crop rotating are no longer performed to replenish nutrients into the soil. Therefore, even when eating a seemingly nutritious diet, we still lack minerals like magnesium, zinc, and iodine.

We also gave Josie supplements to aid in lowering inflammation and encourage detoxification, like omega 3 fatty acids and vitamin C. Always work with your provider to understand your specific deficiencies and the best supplements and dosages to help address these.  BB offers an Omega range that will blow your socks off, check it out here.

4. Eat more anti-inflammatory foods.

Finally, Josie was given a nutrition plan that focused on anti-inflammatory and detoxifying foods. Given her existing auto-immune condition, we needed to try to calm her immune system down. An auto-immune condition is one where the immune system attacks proteins in the body that are essential for function. Over time, if left unchecked, it can potentially cause deterioration of organs and even organ failure.

Because modern day life exposes us to hundreds of toxic chemicals daily, our immune systems are living in hyper-reactivity mode. Therefore, part of the solution often involves removing as many things from our diets that might be seen as foreign invaders by our immune systems.

Since 75% of our immune cells are made in our intestinal lining, it’s imperative that we minimize the number of chemicals that our digestive lining comes into contact with, in order to calm the immune system.

So what does this look like? Start by eating organic foods as much as possible, and removing large proteins from the diet that are seen as foreign by our immune systems like gluten from wheat and casein found in dairy. Excessive refined sugar in the diet also adds to inflammation and fatigue. Refined sugar intake leads to rapid spikes of insulin and results in rapidly plummeting blood sugar levels and feelings of fatigue, irritability, and more sugar cravings.

BB has an incredible food app designed by some really clever people that can assist with your nutrition plan to empower you to make the right choices at home, without just saying 'this is what you should eat', so you learn and grow in the process too.  Have a look at an ALL ROUND program that will address all of the above.

Article by:  Soyona Rafatjah

Head on over to Nefariouss.com - Nutrition to grab yourself the best products on the market, no added ANYTHING, pure wholefoods to help you with your fatigue.

[monkeyandelf]

Before Coronavirus: Deadly Epidemics That Changed the World

On January 30, 2020, the World Health Organization declared the outbreak of the coronavirus epidemic 2019-nCoV an emergency of international concern. All states must be prepared to fight it. Moreover, at the time of writing this article, about seven hundred people worldwide died from the new virus, and eight thousand die from normal flu in one season, and this is only in the United States. But the WHO decision gives hope that humanity is still learning from its mistakes. We will talk about the worst epidemics in history - the experience of which now forces us to take emergency measures.

The first major epidemic in the known history of mankind was named after Emperor Marcus Aurelius Antoninus. It broke out during his reign, and claimed his life. Another epidemic is called the plague of Galen by the name of a Greek doctor who left notes about her. What kind of illness it was is still not known exactly. Most likely, smallpox or measles - it is called a plague by tradition. Troops brought it back to Rome from a campaign in the Middle East. The plague of Antoninus reached the Rhine, killing five million people. It devastated Rome and killed the majority of the army. The golden age of the empire ended there.

Hood. Vilius petrauskas The epidemic that devastated the Eastern Roman Empire is considered the first recorded outbreak of bubonic plague in Europe. It is believed that it began in Egypt or Ethiopia and ended up in Constantinople along with the grain in which infected rats were hiding. According to various estimates, from 25 to 100 million people became victims of the plague. It is believed that 66% of the inhabitants of Constantinople died. This epidemic significantly weakened Byzantium, especially its economy, and did not allow the emperor Justinian to unite the Eastern and Western Roman empires. In addition, the apocalyptic mood that prevailed during the epidemic contributed to the spread of Christianity.

The peak of this epidemic, the most famous in history, occurred in 1346-1353. According to various estimates, the bubonic plague destroyed from 30% to 60% of the population of Europe - a total of 75 to 200 million people. Most likely, it began in the Gobi Desert - about where Mongolia now borders on China. Due to the abnormal drought, rodents, including patients, crowding together, moved in search of food closer to human housing. Beginning among animals, the epidemic quickly spread to people. Infection was inevitable: marmots in those parts were considered a delicacy, and they did not escape ailments. Soon, the Mongol troops and merchants suffered a plague along the Great Silk Road.

The disease has been rampant in the East since about 1320. It destroyed up to 90% of the population of the Chinese province of Hebei, affected India and Central Asia, but Japan bypassed. Then the plague devastated the lower reaches of the Volga and the Don, penetrated into the Crimea, from there to Genoa, and gradually spread throughout Europe. The death of a huge part of the population has greatly affected European countries. Cattle breeding received a powerful impetus because, in comparison with agriculture, it required fewer workers. Previously closed workshops began to accept people from the outside. Taxes increased, inflation intensified, laws appeared to preserve the disappearing estate border. The epidemic naturally pushed the development of medicine, and also mechanics, again due to lack of hands. It even intervened in the gene pool of the inhabitants of Europe: studies show that the owners of different blood groups also have different probability of surviving after plague infection.

In the 16th century, in New Spain (modern Mexico), about fifteen million local residents died from a mysterious disease - with a total of twenty two million. They called this disease "cococolitzli,", which means "great pestilence." Its main symptoms were fever, bleeding, hallucinations, ulcers, and headache. The Aztecs died in a few days, but Europeans, including doctors (from whose notes we know this story), were rarely infected, and their illness was mild. The epidemic almost destroyed the Aztec people and helped the Spaniards conquer their lands. Modern researchers, studying the skeletons of people who died from "cococolitzli," found traces of the bacteria Salmonella enterica in their DNA, which indicates an intestinal infection. Scientists suggest that the Spaniards themselves brought the disease to America.

Indians and smallpox

Smallpox is highly contagious and kills about a third of those affected. If it's Europeans. Among the Cherokee, Mandan and Pikani, the mortality rate was much higher - up to 80–90%, according to the Cambridge Encyclopedia of Paleopathologies. A total of European diseases, including smallpox, measles and typhoid, claimed the lives of approximately one and a half million Native Americans. This obviously helped the Europeans win the war for the continent.

History does not remember a single outbreak of cholera, comparable in number of victims to any of the epidemics described here, but this disease cannot be ignored. Cholera is well known from antiquity; Hippocrates wrote about it, but until the 19th century, it was mainly found in southern Asia. There is a version that cholera pandemics began due to a pathogen mutation that occurred in Bengal due to an extremely cold year (the so-called “year without summer”). In total, it is customary to distinguish seven pandemics of this disease: the first broke out in 1817, and the last ended in 1975. Until now, WHO has recorded 3-5 million cases of infection per year, of which one hundred thousand end in death. Without treatment, you can die in a matter of hours. Cholera played an important role in the development of modern epidemiology and public health, born mainly from the studies of the English physician John Snow (who knew quite a lot). The epidemic in Soho in 1854 helped him refute the then prevailing theory of miasma - according to her, rot products are to blame for diseases, which evaporate from water and soil, enter the air and infect a person inhaling them. In addition, that outbreak of cholera gave impetus to the development of sewage networks and water supply. Having compiled a map of cases of the disease, Snow found out that the source of the disease was a single standpipe. It was turned off, and the epidemic quickly subsided.

In the 19th century, there was another major epidemic of plague, the third largest after the Black Death and Justinian plague - the number of victims reached twelve million. It began in the Chinese province of Yunnan and in several decades spread throughout the world. Just during this pandemic, in 1894, the bacteriologist Alexander Yersen discovered a plague stick. Soon, early antibiotics (streptomycin) appeared, which helped to defeat the disease. The Manchu epidemic of 1910-1911, killing from sixty to one hundred thousand people, is considered the last major plague outbreak in history.

By 1918, World War I had already claimed the lives of millions of people. But the “Spanish” flu epidemic outnumbered it in terms of the number of victims. The disease appeared in August 1918 in several port cities at once - in Boston (USA), Brest (France) and Freetown (Sierra Leone). Ships and trains quickly spread the virus around the world. 550 million people were infected - about a third of the world population, and from 50 to 100 million, that is, about 5% of the world's inhabitants, died. This epidemic is considered one of the most widespread both in the total number of cases and in the number of deaths. The “Spanish" flu was called either because 39% of the population of Spain became ill, or because in this country, which was not a participant in the war, there was no censorship, and the epidemic could be freely written in newspapers.

The “Asian” flu pandemic has killed more than two million people worldwide. It began in Guizhou Province, wild ducks became a source of infection. Within a few months, the flu spread to China, the USA, India, Australia, the Philippines, Great Britain and continental Europe - transport by the middle of the 20th century had developed to such an extent that the disease flared up in different countries almost simultaneously. The first wave of the disease affected many schoolchildren: in the UK 50% of children were infected, and in closed schools - up to 90%. An effective vaccine was developed against this type of flu, but over the next ten years the virus mutated, and in 1968 the next epidemic began. This flu was called "Hong Kong" - it was in Hong Kong that the first cases of infection were recorded. The virus took three months to spread throughout the world. Despite the relatively low mortality rate (about 0.5%), about a million people died from the "Hong Kong" flu, half of them in Hong Kong itself. The city lost 15% of the population.

Ebola hemorrhagic fever is a rare, but extremely dangerous disease. It kills an average of 50% of those infected, although in some cases mortality has reached 90%. Many laboratories around the world are developing a vaccine for the virus, but so far only one has been approved, and then in Europe. Treatment in most cases comes down to fighting the symptoms. The largest epidemic began in February 2014 in Guinea. From there, the disease spread throughout West Africa, and also affected the United States and Spain. Since the Ebola virus came to West Africa for the first time, doctors in the affected countries had no experience dealing with it. The population was in a panic. The spread of the fever was facilitated by local funeral traditions, involving contact with the deceased during farewell. The epidemic in West Africa lasted almost two years and killed about twelve thousand people. Airlines stopped flying to countries where the disease manifested, neighbors closed their borders with them. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, the epidemic continues today.

It is not possible to determine when and where a human immunodeficiency virus appeared. It can exist for a long time in the body and not manifest itself in any way. It is generally accepted that people were infected by monkeys (let's hope that they were simply eaten) - most likely, this happened in the Belgian colony of the Congo around 1920. Gradually, the virus spread throughout Africa, and by the 1970s it came to the United States. It was there that, in 1981, the disease and its symptoms were first described. Since then, the virus claimed the lives of 32 million people. HIV infection develops very slowly. It gradually destroys the immune system and leads to death from secondary diseases. It is the last stage called AIDS. Medicine cannot completely cure an infected person, but timely diagnosis and therapy help slow down the development of infection and prevent the spread of the virus. For a long time, society ignored the problem, since it was believed (and in some places is still believed) that HIV infection was the lot of marginalized people. Now more than 40 million HIV-infected people are registered in the world, specifically in Russia - more than a million.

Measles and anti-vaccination

Measles is one of the most contagious diseases in the world. Each carrier infects 12-18 people (for comparison, the carrier of Ebola fever - two to three). A quarter face complications, many of which can lead to disability. Most often, children suffer from measles, but it happens that adults become infected, and their disease is very difficult. In 1963, an effective vaccine was created - and since then, countries that have universal vaccinations have had measles. More precisely, they were ill. The anti-vaccination movement has led to more and more children not getting measles vaccines. In 2018−2019, in many countries there were major outbreaks of the disease, the number of infected people increased at times. WHO has included deliberate abandonment of vaccination in the list of ten major threats to human health, along with the emergence of bacteria that can resist antibiotics. From a historical perspective, it is clear that people sooner or later dealt with most deadly diseases. However, we must not forget that viruses and bacteria develop, mutate, and only time will tell who will win this race. Read the full article

[starpiper3]

Car Crash

The full story will come soon… But I got into a terrible accident yesterday and I am not up to par for story writing at the moment…. Needless to say, if someone was in the passenger side of the car, they would’ve been dead because of our stupid decisions. The driver of the other car (with 6 other people inside) was ok, no one had to go to the hospital (although I almost did… realizing my mistake and have to go with dad tomorrow or tuesday…) But yeah, full story will come with the pictures of my car and possibly a video.

The scariest part? Losing my hearing and having my ear ringing for eternity.

No cops were called, as I found out that one was just coming up the hill of the street we were on and saw us right away. Another car behind the other vehicle stopped and helped, he was an EMT along with the woman who accompanied him in the car. They were all very nice and I only lost it and started sobbing when I went back in the car to get some stuff out and saw the damage that had been done. Theres a space between me and the passenger seat ( a little walk through) and basically, the doors, windows and seat all blew in to the point where I couldnt get the glove box open, let alone reach it, and the passenger seat was right on top of me. (same with the back passenger seat) I sobbed a little harder when I realized that the sweater my BF gave me was covered in glass and I was unable to get it out at first, but determination gave me the strength to pry it out of the dead vans hands. And after just receiving a college care package from my best friends mother, almost none of it could be saved. My other bag was wedged between the driver and passenger seat, there was no hope for getting it. For those who know I bring my panda with me everywhere, I did not have him with me. If I did, he would’ve been covered in glass and I would’ve had to throw him out. He is with me now and very happy he wasn’t in the van as well.  

I was T-boned pretty hard, both cars were going about 55-60 miles per hour when the hit commenced. My little van was thrown 50-75 feet from where I was actually hit. I was air born but not for long. Had I not been wearing my seat belt I would’ve been ejected from the car. My only injuries were pieces of glass in my ass.

“Hello ma’m how are you today?”

“Rattled”

“Are you hurt anywhere? Anything feel painful-”

“I got glass in my butt.”

*Chuckle* “Well then, may I have a look for any stuck pieces?”

Soon… That’s how that conversation went.

The most horrifying thing was the knowing that I was about to get hit. I was ready for the impact and I knew when it was going to come cause I was looking at the god damn Honda Odessy. And you know the silence you hear in movies when a car is just about to be hit? It felt just like that. turned my head away the moment the glass blew in, braced for impact and closed my eyes for only a second. And in that second that my eyes were closed, my brain kinda went:

Brain: “Yeah you’re living through this you fuck-tard”

Me: “Welp, I guess I fucking am”

Gotta love my god damn mind.

When I opened my eyes again, the van was still moving, and the air bags had long been deployed. Glass sprayed my body and it felt like hot pieces of fire stinging my skin, but only cutting mu butt. 

Once I was out of the car, everything was just a blur. 

I remember sitting on the ground sobbing my eyes out alone waiting for my dad to pick me up. I was petrified to see him. I knew he would be so pissed at me and I was down right scared. 

But I will never forget the moment my friend rolled up the the scene and her face when she saw me.

Here I am still a sobbing mess and my friend is in the car with her dad. Her eyes are opened wider than the moon is big and I gave a little wave. They pulled over after going through he stop light and she ran out to me like her life depended on it. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she would stay with me till I didn’t need her anymore. (She basically stayed till my dad got there). But her conversation with her dad in the car went like this:

Dad: “Doesn’t one of your friends drive a white van?”

Friend: “Yeah, Piper does, why-” 

*Looks out the window*

*Sees me*

Friend: “Oh my god dad pull over”

More of my friends came after she had told the friend group what had happened. Made me happy and pissed me off in a way. Like all of you guys care about me only when I am in a life threatening situation. Thanks. But I am glad that they came to help calm me down.

It also took the tow guys over 25 minuets to try and get my van out of the ditch because my wheels had blown and turned in on themselves. It was funny trying to watch them.

Where does it go from here?

Well, no one has to go to court. No tickets were issued and I think it was because it was mainly both of our faults. Insurance is left to battle it our and we get to go to the junk yard to get the rest of our belongings before they take parts off the van, sell the parts, and then crush my 1998 Honda odessy. Oh yeas, she was old. Almost made it to 20 before I fucked everything up. 

I’m telling the entire internet now because I dont see my therapist till wednessday and I just need someone to know other than my father… and because other reasons… but you know. 

Today my body has been bruised beyond belief and my neck is swelled more than ever. Had my seatbelt been any higher, by intestines would be crushed and I may possibly be dead. The only person who got severely hurt was the husbands mother. Whom was not wearing a seat belt. Grrr.. But she is ok and well. We checked in on her. But pictures will be on their way when I can get them, of course not my bruises cause that's too personal. But the car will be like a new model for pictures.  

And I am sorry I just told the entire story without meaning to. I will probably base my personal story on a fanfic some how. Probably Mercy76… or Voltron….. quite possibly Miraculous Lady bug as well….

Ok I am done talking now.

Will be on the low down…. no new fanfics in the making…

Sincerely…

~Starpiper3

[meliss-cake]

Get to know me tag

Tagged by @fikapausen  thanks for the tag <3 

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (20?!!) 

THE LAST: 1. Drink: chocolate milk 2. Phone call: BFF  3. Text message: BFF 4. Song you listened to:  Blossom - Milky Chance 5. Time you cried: when people turned to inanimate objects “forever”  in beauty and the beast, like a month ago or so.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: No 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I think so 8. Been cheated on: you can’t be cheated if you are not in a relationship, uless we talk about friendship, then yes, I’m a little bit jealous, jk (just in the past)  9. Lost someone special: No 10. Been depressed: ugh yes, for years. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Lmao, yes and Nevermore (agua de Valencia it’s my enemy from now on)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: grey (not a color but I love it) Cian and green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yeees on the Tumblr 16. Fallen out of love: Nah 17. Laughed until you cried: almost every day. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: don’t really care about those things. 19. Met someone who changed you: Oh yes!  20. Found out who your friends are: always, I have problems opening to people so it takes a loooooot of time, if they’re still there, then they are friends. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: the 85% 23. Do you have any pets: YEEES!! cute loves of my life, two dogs. 24. Do you want to change your name: Just the last name, my BFF’s family it’s more like a family to me, and they all agree, we’ll do it someday lmao. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: storytelling with a lot of people. 26. What time did you wake up: 11:45  27. What were you doing at midnight last night: creating a logo and poster for alternative medicine.  28. Name something you can’t wait for: THE INCREDIBLES II  29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morning. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: nothing.  31. What are you listening right now:  ASMR, it helps me to focus (in procrastinating.) 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes, he was my Math couch in university time ago.  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: disrespect, hate and hate promo, ugh.  34. Most visited Website: Youtube. 

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: A lot. 36. Mark/s: a body is a battlefield.  37. Childhood dream: I don’t remember the last week, so my childhood it’s a little blurry.  38. Haircolor: dark brown. 39. Long or short hair: long for now. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: two words; risky cat. 41. What do you like about yourself: the permanent Zen state and spontaneity.  42. Piercings: zero. 43. Bloodtype: O positive (the most common one)  44. Nickname: Mel(all the variables possible) and a looot more.  45. Relationship status: married in tumblr xD 46. Zodiac: Saggitatius  47. Pronouns: She/Her/they   48. Favorite TV Show: the OA (a Netflix show tho)

49. Tattoos: maybe one in the future, zero now.  50. Right or left hand: RIGHT!  51. Surgery: no  52. Hair dyed in different color: lighter brown, I’m so bold  53. Sport: Yoga. 55. Vacation: forever, please. 56. Pair of trainers: what does this MEAN 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: everything but intestines or cooked veggies/fruits. 58. Drinking: coffee, this season. 59. I’m about to: Start swinging, because the pickles are still here, tormenting me!!!  61. Waiting for: I don’t have expectations, let the things come. 62. Want: a phone, for an art app   63. Get married: IDK, time will say. 64. Career: I really hate routine, I get bored so easily that I don’t think I could make an office work, I just want to create and imagine, so I want to make whatever I want even if it doesn’t give me that much money, freedom is priceless. 

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs. 66. Lips or eyes: eyes, the soul windows  67. Shorter or taller: no preference.  68. Older or younger: older. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I’m not into the outside aspect.  71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, it has magic, I don’t even know how to explain it, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, but there’s a connection, a little something, a tacit effect that just appears after time with a person.  73. Troublemaker or hesitant: (I won’t hesitate b*tch), hesitant all the way xD 

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: yes, and almost died.  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no vision problems (so far). 77. Turned someone down: I’m sure I’ll for the career thing, for the “you had so much potential” argument, but meh.  78. Sex on the first date: *gasp* no, I’m a little ace. 79. Broken someone’s heart: mwahaha yes!!! with a story. 80. Had your heart broken: with fictional stories only. 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: just fictional characters.  83. Fallen for a friend: No.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes.  85. Miracles: Hmm, I have mixed thoughts. 86. Love at first sight: no. 87. Santa Claus: no :c  88. Kiss on the first date: never been on a date, I don’t know how that works.

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Gissella. 91. Eyecolor: dark brown 92. Favorite movie: Donnie Darko, or shutter island, I just love that kind of movies.

I tag: @moonfox22 @raendown @sayurinomoe @bouncyirwin @purple-possibilities @skittledoodles @natanije @ohsotiny @uzumakura @itslulu42 @mouseymightymarvellous @trashkakasaku @a-boy-like-trxye @denilmo @zatannazatara06  @trashkakasaku @ninjas-in-love and I really don’t know who else, but as always, if you don’t want to do it, it’s all fine and cool <3