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brehliemaryann-blog1 · 7 years

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Recovery Thoughts: Day 299 of 362

A long time ago, when I first started this blog I made a post titled, “TW- Weird Shit I do because of my Eating Disorder”. Today I thought I would revisit that post and see which things (if any) I still do. Here is the post:

“Some of these things are extremely hard for me to share and have never been told to anyone. If you do any of these as well, reblog this to show others that they aren’t alone. Feel free to add new ones as well!

I constantly feel like I have to be moving. I can’t sit and watch a television episode without feeling anxious about the amount of calories I could be burning if I were walking, cleaning, lifting weights or running on the treadmill. Even sitting at a desk to do my homework freaks me out, so it’s hard to even concentrate on my work. (This was a hard one to conquer, but I no longer feel the need to justify the amount of calories I eat with the amount of exercise or movement I get in a day. Quitting exercise completely in order to heal was imperative to overcoming this obstacle.)

Processed foods scare me. (I would not say that processed foods “scare” me anymore. I simply don’t eat many processed foods now that I am vegan. I find that the meals I make at home from whole foods are cheaper, more nutritionally dense and taste way better. However, I don’t not eat ANY processed food. There are definitely certain processed things that I buy regularly. If I am presented with a processed treat or am out to eat with friends then I have no problem eating processed food. I just choose not to purchase them for my home most of the time.)

I hoard food items and never eat them. (I definitely do not do this anymore. I don’t see anything as “off limits” anymore (besides animal products) so I don’t feel like I have to have these items around as a way to “satisfy” my mental cravings. Plus, I literally have no room for that n this apartment lol)

I flood my diet with things that are supposed to speed up your metabolism, even if I hate them. (Nope. I actually stopped drinking caffeine for a while and now only have it very occasionally because I like the taste of coffee. I definitely don’t flood my diet with anything that I don’t like anymore. There’s no need when there are so many delicious options!)

Eating feels wrong unless my stomach is growling and telling me I am hungry. I start telling myself that if my body needed food it would be asking for it, and that if it’s not I would just be giving it excess. (This was definitely one of the toughest things to overcome. Hunger queues take a long time to truly normalize. Mine aren’t totally perfect 100% of the time, but I am able to recognize both mental and physical hunger and I don’t deny either of them. Things get weird sometimes when I HAVE to eat when I am actually not hungry, like if there won’t be food available later or if I have been through a stressful situation and my appetite is suppressed. However, this is rare and even though it feels weird, it doesn’t seem “wrong”.)

When I sit still I convince myself that I can feel my muscle tone wasting away and the fat accumulating on my body. (I know I’ve lost muscle and gained some fat, but it was much needed and I love my healthy body more than a preferred appearance. Occasionally a negative thought will creep in, but I just remind myself of how much more fulfilling having a life is than a six pack.)

I follow food blogs, watch food shows, read food books ( I do all of this still, but not obsessively. I love following vegan food blogs and learning new recipes) and always think about food (I tend to think about food a lot if I have unintentionally restricted or if I am super bored or hungry. It doesn’t consume my time like it used to.). I even dream about food and have nightmares about eating more calories than I anticipated. (Thank goodness this no longer happens lol I don’t have a set amount of calories that I eat anymore, so nightmares of going over a certain amount aren’t a thing anymore.)

I can’t snack without having what I am eating planned out, reading the nutrition label and counting or measuring out serving sizes. (This was one of the first habits I kicked! Now I only measure or count things out if its for a recipe...and sometimes not even then haha. I’m become a professional “eyeballer”)

I don’t let myself eat trans-fat or added sugars and am constantly trying to have the “perfect” diet and be the epitome of health. (I still avoid trans fats and lots of added refined sugars because they are not healthful, but I think following a mostly whole foods, plant-based diet is “perfect” enough for me.”

The idea of eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without knowing the caloric content of the bread or mentally measuring out the amount of peanut butter and jelly, literally scares the shit out of me. (Like i said before, no more measuring! and as long as the bread is vegan, it’s fine.)

When I cook and bake I do it for others, not myself. I am always making excuses not to eat what I make unless it is “light”, “sugar-free” or measured out into exact portions. (I don’t use artificial sweeteners anymore and when I make vegan treats I always have at least one. :P I do still get sugar-free flavors at Starbucks and stuff (which is rare) but that’s because I would rather have the splenda than the high fructose corn syrup or whatever that crap is. I would prefer to remain non-diabetic)

Several of my food allergies, intolerances and dislikes are more than likely psychological…. Like I have lied to myself so much that I now believe that the stories I have made up are fact. (These were actually legit.)

I only feel like I can eat at certain times of the day and I make sure that the times that I eat are spaced out evenly. I feel like if I eat less than two and a half hours after the last time I ate that I am being pig-like and that I am going to get fat. (Sometimes I still find myself spacing out meals evenly as like an OCD and planning-out-my-day kinda thing, but if I get hungry in between then I eat. It’s an awkward transition from having to eat mechanically in the beginning of recovery to being able to trust and listen to your hunger queues later on)

Being social is tough. I always tend to avoid seeing other people or going places because I am afraid it will interfere with the things, times and amounts that I have planned to eat, or the times I have set to exercise. (This stopped once I took a break from exercise. Filling my time with socialization actually helped keep my mind off of not exercising.)

I force myself to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day even if I really don’t want to, or it makes me feel like I am going to throw up. (I still try to get my water in, but if I really am not feelin’ it then I listen to my body.)

Sometimes when I get acid reflux after eating too much, I purposefully allow it to keep happening so I can get more calories out of my body. I’ll spit up in the sink, toilet, down t so that nobody knows. This mostly happens after I eat something with dairy, like ice-cream, a frappucino or a smoothie.” (Since going vegan I have not dealt wwith acid reflux. I’m pretty sure it was the dairy.)

#ed #edrecovery #recovery #thoughts #lookhowfarivecome #makingstrides #warrior #tw

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