#look I’m a pretty passive person in real life

[orcinus-veterinarius]

The idiots are already out saying Flaco is better off dead than in a life of captivity.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

I believe that one of the best things you can do for your mental wellbeing is to just give yourself things to look forward to. 

Your mind may go to expensive purchases or life changing experiences now, these bucket list items like “a month long international vacation” or “getting my own car” (or even something like “buying a whole new wardrobe and re-inventing myself after I come out” or “making queer friends once I graduated and moved out and cut my parents out of my life”) - but that’s not what I am talking about right now. In fact, for our purposes here it’s better if it’s not something like that! 

Big goals and long-term dreams are cool! Don’t give up on them! But if our only sources of that giddy “I can’t wait to do that!” energy are things that may only happen in a few years (or “when I get rich” or “once I’m healed” or “when I get braver” or maybe even never), well, that’s a good recipe for feeling unfulfilled and like our current life is empty and boring compared to that shiny fantasy. You’ll miss out on a lot of joy when you save up all your feelings of excitement for the “later”. 

So, this isn’t about big bucket list stuff and it also isn’t about any classic self-improvement techniques. If you look forward to exercise or meditation, all the more power to you (because obviously you’ll reap the mental health benefits of those things plus those giddy feelings)… but first and foremost this is about joy. 

This is about seeing the magic in the ordinary things, in the here and now (and yes, that sounds pretty lame. Sometimes you gotta be lame to be happy!). 

It’s also about feeling in control of your life. In order to look forward to something, you need to intentionally pick something to do. And that’ll feel so much better than just passively letting life happen to you or waiting for your “real life” to start or letting some algorithm choose which content to consume until it’s time for bed. It’s about not postponing joy until life gets better but making life better by making it more joyful!

So, how do you teach yourself to look forward to things and which things work best?

You need to set a (small, pleasant, easily achievable) goal and follow through on it.

It can be a small, special treat or reward, like “On Monday I’ll buy a candy bar after work” or “I’ll make a cup of my favorite tea tomorrow morning”. It can also just be being mindful of the things you do anyway: if you always listen to music while on the train, don’t just hit shuffle once you sit down and instead deliberately choose a specific album you want to listen to before you board the train. 

The trick is just to intentionally pick something fun to do and then let yourself feel pumped about doing it and then follow through with actually doing it. It doesn’t even need to be anything new or different than usual! If you always make pasta for dinner because that’s your favorite dish, then just deliberately spend some extra thought during the day on how freaking awesome it is that you get to eat your favorite dish again tonight! 

When you’re new to this, it’s best to pick something that’s in the near future, like later that day or the day after. You get time to build up excitement but you also get to follow through pretty quickly. So your brain gets to make the connection that happily looking forward to something is “worth it”! 

This can feel a bit ridiculous and fake at first, especially if you’re usually not an overly cheerful person. It’s okay if it feels a bit silly to be joyful about the prospect of eating pasta. Good news is, this is something where you can absolutely “fake it til you make it”. You may have to consciously remind yourself to be excited about it at first (it’s okay to use little helpers, like notifications on your phone or a good old sticky note somewhere you’ll see it!) - but even when it’s fake at first, your brain will forge those pathways and over time “happily looking forward to things” will become a natural habit that’ll add a bit of sparkle to the ordinary! 

And especially for those “waiting until I can be myself” cases: Yeah, finding magic in the ordinary will not “fix” living with homophobic parents or gender dysphoria. But it’ll give you some moments of light while you wait for things to get better. And you deserve that. Lighting some candles while waiting in the dark will always beat just sitting in the dark.

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[a-dragons-journal]

Emotion Bleedover

Emotion bleed between systemmates is weird.

We get a lot of variations of it and a large part of why is the fact that it’s extremely hard for me-Rani to leave the front, so anyone else “fronting” is almost always actually co-fronting with me, meaning that “me” is sometimes a blurry mess of bleedthrough.

Sometimes this is fine - Roshan and I co-front extremely well, for instance; for whatever reason, we blur together easily without it being distressing. What bits are “Rani” and what bits are “Roshan” kind of becomes hard to discern at times - which I have to say, as someone still fairly new to this whole system thing, is a little weird, but somehow not unsettling when it’s Roshan even though it is when it’s, say, Viridian. Sometimes I think “I” am purely Rani and then I see a fae/faer pronoun and it clicks as actively correct for me (as opposed to a passively “sure, I’ll accept that”) and I go “oh, no, that’s. Hi Roshan.”

Sometimes it’s… less ideal. Mostly this is the case when it comes to anxiety bleedover - Viridian is a much more anxious person than me, and I’m a more anxious person than Loretta (barring certain contexts), so when any combination of us is blurring, the least anxious person in the room has to deal with suddenly having higher anxiety levels than usual. Managing someone else’s anxiety attack bleeding over into you is An Experience, for sure. I’m not sure we’ve quite got the hang of it yet, but we’re working on it.

And sometimes it’s just odd. For example: I, Rani, am the acest person to ever walk the earth. I’ve never met a sexual attraction in my life. Loretta, on the other hand, was allo before getting here and remains so - and every so often, she starts eyeing someone and it takes me a second to clock that it’s her feelings and not mine. It’s extremely odd to suddenly feel - not firsthand, exactly, but first-and-a-half-hand sexual attraction to people when that’s never been something I’ve experienced before. The “oh, sexual attraction is real” moments are real. I did not think it was real that you could get slightly aroused just from looking at someone who’s pretty enough. It is. She does. So we do sometimes now.

I don’t really have a thesis here. It’s just… interesting, how bleedover happens.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #38 – Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion

Didion is one of those canonical authors I always feel like I should already have read at some point (isn’t that what high school English class was supposed to be for). Of course this was a very vague feeling, and not attached to a single scrap of actual information about her and her work beyond the general time period and cultural milieu – so I grabbed this from the library and started it entirely blind (partially my own fault for skipping the introduction by a different and much worse author tbf). Fascinating book, artistically successful and emotionally affective, but not one I’m able to say I really found enjoyable, or even necessarily beautiful (it’s no Giovanni’s Room, to compare another bit of canonical latter-20th century high literature).

The book follows Maria Wyeth, an (increasingly former) actress in 1960s Hollywood, through her slow decline from up and coming starlet and wife of a prestigious young director to an enforced retirement as an isolated upscale sanitarium/hospital resort. Which is hardly a spoiler – the book starts at the end and jumps through the timeline freely, and in any case the whole thing feels telegraphed to the point of inevitability. Maria’s life in LA is contrasted with how she grew up in a tiny desert town in Nevada, so small it at some point stopped existing, and in the process more or less gives you the narrative of her life.

Which is as close to a plot as the book has, really. Maria and her internal monologue are the near-sole focus, and her view of the outside world and what’s happening around her basically always says more about her than the world. Watching Maria’s life falls apart really is watching a car crash in slow motion – you’re never really surprised at any point, but the shearing metal and flesh are hard to look away from.

The book’s very much capital-l Literature, here meaning that the style and prose is at least half the reason to read the book. The story’s told through short vignettes (I’m not sure a singe chapter was more than ten pages, whereas the vast majority were two or three) and the deliberate, generous use of white space, both figurative and literal. Maria is pretty relentless in her self-deception and lack of self-awareness, and in any case is quiet elusive and vague with descriptions of people and events – reading between the lines is quite necessary. This overall really does work for me - the imagery is vivid and memorable, and Maria’s head is a compelling and believable place to be.

It’s also just intolerable. I have no particular issue with deeply unsympathetic, tragically unselfaware, or wince-inducingly self-destructive characters, but Maria sure is all three of those to a degree I rarely see. More than that, she is just profoundly passive. It is, for me at least, far easier to be invested in operatic delusion and hubris leading to ruination than a just resolutely thoughtless and pettily cruel person letting her life rot around her. Which is a failure of literary empathy on my part, probably, but did make this a somewhat frustrating book to read. You’re left want to scream at Maria to just do something (anything!) that she isn’t led to by people around her like an ornery goat to water.

This is probably exacerbated by the supporting cast. Who are all very much portrayed as hopeless, clueless gamblers and unprincipled, hypocritical Hollywood decadents,, absolutely – but despite that, keep trying to reach out and offer her lifelines or support. Which is mostly surprising because she might literally not say a single kind word to another human being in the entire book, is relentlessly caustic in her internal monologue, and sure isn’t doing favours or advancing the career of anybody. The real tension of the book ends up not being whether or not she’ll destroy her life and more how long before everyone around her just lets her.

It’s a blisteringly cynical novel overall, really – both in its portrayal of individual characters and of society as a whole. I joked while reading it that it felt like American Psycho without a Patrick Bateman, and while that’s a bit too far – everyone’s still very recognizably human, most of whom do care about at least a few things besides status symbols and dick measuring contests – but the portrayals of Hollywood and Wall Street certainly feel like they rhyme.

Though the implicit politics of that cynicism do feel do feel very different here. Very possibly because the back cover called it something like ‘a blistering satire of the excesses of the ‘60s’ (paraphrasing from memory), but the book definitely ended up feeling very (socially) conservative, full of worries about broken families and marriages of convenience and just generally decadence. The whole plot where Maria gets a motel-room abortion to deal with the consequences of her affair which almost kills her, sends her spiralling into months of total, life-ruining depression, and destroys her relationship with both her husband and her paramour feels like something you’d only see coming out today in explicit pro-life propaganda, for example; certainly it’s a trope I’ve seen complained about more than (until now) I’ve ever actually seen done. The fact that Maria’s foremost redeeming feature is always her love for and desire to be with her (disabled and permanently hospitalized for vague reasons), and that the climax of the book is a suicide directly caused by infidelity, also. None of which should exactly be surprising, really – a book almost as old as my parents has dated opinions on social issues! - but for some reason I always expect canonical authors to have been free-wheeling libertines and bohemians.

Speaking of being written nearly sixty years ago – the time capsule quality of this book is positively fascinating. Which I say whenever I read something from before the millennium, but still – the ‘60s are still so profoundly mythologized I do love the chance to see anything written about them at the time, if only for ‘the past as a foreign country’ tourism reasons. The Hollywood of exploration, drug abuse, meaningless sex, vicious gossip and every combination of the above feels like it could almost be written about today, right up until the point where an easy divorce means finding an amenable judge and finding a witness to corroborate the husband’s admission of wanton emotional abuse (which becomes a stark reminder of how horrifying even a historical five minutes ago was when you consider what happens if you can’t meet any of those conditions). The illegal abortions, the utterly casual homophobia, the auteur theory being a hot new thing, the cult of the open road. It all adds up to an interesting effect.

Speaking of the cult of the open road – Maria’s only real sense of peace, happiness and self-control in the entire book is when she’s spending all day cruising the highway at dangerous speeds just for the sake of it, without itinerary or destination. No real coherent point to make, just that there’s something truly and incredibly American about that? The descriptions of the Nevada desert and highways, too.

But yeah, an expertly written novel that’s positively lovely in places (the opening monologue is near-sublime, for example), but not one that really awed or oved me the way some other literature has.

[marblemoonstones]

🩵 catharsis ~ chapter seven

main masterlist

series masterlist 

pairing: bts ot7 x reader

genre: collegestudentreader!au 

warnings: ❗️any characters in the story have nothing to do with their real life counterparts❗️f reader, reader with glasses, curse words, over usage of the word ‘shit’ (lmk if i missed any)

word count: ~2.8k

a/n: hope you enjoy; i hope it’s not too cringey 😭

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

jungkookie 🍪 : What the fuck just happened between u and Haneul?

I read the message, my heart sinking. How did he already hear about what happened? I don’t know how to respond, so I just ignore it for now. 

My phone dings again, and I check it. Seeing that it’s a text from Hwasa, I open it immediately. 

hwasa: i’m so sorry

I furrow my brows, confused at why she didn’t text earlier. Jackson was the one who responded, so it seems as though she ignored me. 

me: it’s okay

I avoid asking her the one question in my mind: why didn’t you tell me?

Hwasa responds to my passive aggressive text, telling me she’ll explain everything in person but she first has to go to her next class. It’s an excuse, and even a valid one at that, but I still feel a sad pang. I thought Hwasa cared, and I hope she still does, but it still hurts. 

I turn my attention back to Jungkook’s text and find that he’s spammed me in the past minute.

jungkookie 🍪 : Y/n

jungkookie 🍪 : Y/n, are you okay?

jungkookie 🍪: Please respond

jungkookie 🍪: I’m coming to find you

The last text makes my eyes widen, and I attempt to make myself look less teary. I know I have a pack of tissues somewhere in my backpack…aha!

Dabbing at my eyes I wipe my tears away and take several deep inhales to try to calm my breathing. Hopefully I don’t look like an absolute wreck now if I see Jungkook.

me: i’m fine don’t worry!

It’s all lies, but I really don’t want Jungkook to see me. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this situation to him.

Checking my phone I see that I have about twenty minutes until my psych class. The thought of food makes me want to throw up so I dump my lunch in the trash.

My next plan of action is to dart to my next class and try to avoid Jungkook. Which is easier said than done, really, but I have to try.

Hoisting my backpack up, I carefully scan the surrounding area, looking for a boy with long hair and doe eyes. (a/n: i believe in long hair jungkook supremacy)

The coast seems clear so I start walking quickly to my building. It’s not a far walk, and normally I would enjoy the crisp air and pretty foliage, but there’s no time now if I want to avoid Jungkook (and Haneul).

People give me weird looks as I suspiciously look around but I don’t care. As long as I don’t see Jungkook or Haneul, their judgement doesn’t bother me. 

My building is in sight, and I breathe a small sigh of relief. I made it-

“Y/n!” A voice calls behind me. Oh no.

Please, no, please let it not be him.

I slowly turn my head, silently praying to whatever gods and deities above but they’re not answered. 

“Y/n! I’ve been looking for you!” Jungkook pants, jogging up to me. I curse myself for not looking hard enough.

All I can think to do is run, so I bolt off like a scared animal. My athletic skills are slim but fight or flight mode makes me run faster than I ever have, even with my backpack. 

The doors of the building are in reach and I stretch my arms out, so close to freedom-

But a tattooed arm stops me. 

God damn it.

“Nuh uh, not so fast.” There’s Jungkook, sweaty and out of breath but still looking as good as ever. His sweat just makes him even more angelic, as if he has a glow around him. 

I’m admiring Jungkook but then realize that he said something to me.

“What?” I ask, nervous to hear what he has to say.

“I said, what in the world’s going on? First I hear about a fight between you and Haneul, then you’re not answering my texts!” Jungkook’s voice is rising. 

“I’m worried about you, Y/n!” He shouts, making me flinch. 

I’m so tired of the yelling. I close my eyes and wish the ground would swallow me up. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with Jungkook’s disappointment. 

After a moment I hear a soft voice. 

“Y/n? Are you okay?” It asks, a complete one eighty from a moment ago.

I open my eyes to see Jungkook looking at me with concern filling his eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you,” he says, ushering me away from the door so we’re not blocking it. 

I sigh. 

“I know, Kook. I’m sorry for not answering your texts fast enough,” I say.

Now Jungkook sighs.

“It’s fine, Y/n, I was just worried about you. So tell me about the fight with Haneul.”

He’s straight to the point, and I know I can’t dance around the topic, but how do I explain what happened? As much as I hate Haneul, I don’t want to seem like a baby or want Jungkook to pity me. 

“Um, well I guess she assumed that I’m only staying with you guys because…” I trail off, unsure of how to tell him that Haneul assumed I was using them for their money. and fucking them. 

Jungkook looks at me expectantly. 

“Because…?” 

I can’t tell him. 

“Because you guys are too nice!” I blurt out. Shit. That’s a horrible excuse and I inwardly face palm myself.

“…what?” His doe eyes are confused, and I mentally apologize. Sorry Jungkook. It’s just better this way.

“Yea! You guys are just sooo nice and she totally saw that and assumed things but it’s fine and now I have to get to class so see you later!” The lies tumble out and I dash into the building before he can respond. 

Shit. Shit shit shit! I’m gonna be so late.

My legs are screaming at me but I keep running. The door is in sight and I grab the knob and burst into the room. 

All eyes are on me, and I know I look horrible. Sweaty, panting, hair plastered to my face. But, I check my watch and I made it with one minute to spare.

“Miss Y/n. Nice of you to join us,” says professor Kim, turning from his spot at the board. 

“Sorry professor,” I pant out, scanning for a seat. Since I’m so late, there’s only one spot left right in the front and-oh shit. The boy next to it is ‘Chan,’ Seungmin’s friend who hates me. 

I trudge over and plop down dejectedly into the seat. Avoiding Chan’s eyes I look to professor Kim, but I can still feel the heat of his glare on my left side.

Professor Kim goes into his lecture and I pull out my notebook to take notes when I can’t find my pencil. Great.

I turn to the girl on my right and ask her quietly if she has one but she shakes her head apologetically. 

Oh no. I’m in trouble. 

I turn my head slowly to my left, and there’s Chan, his heated gaze to the board. But as soon as I look at his profile he turns and stares daggers into me. I gulp, hesitant if I want to ask him but these notes are important. 

Sheepishly I whisper, “Hey…do you have a pencil I could borrow?” 

Chan (I still don’t know his real name) raises an eyebrow at me, then fishes around in his bag. A pencil appears, and he holds it out, but before I can thank him he retracts it.

I fight the urge to scream. Of course he’d taunt me.

Leaning closer, he whispers, “I’ll give you the pencil but only if I can talk to you after class.” 

What sort of twisted reality am I in right now? 

“Fine,” I say, almost begging, tired of dealing with difficult people today.

He gives me the pencil and I breathe a sigh of relief. Now I can finally focus on something other than rumors, nasty people, and boys with doe eyes. 

“Thank you,” I whisper. 

~

Class finishes and I turn to Chan. 

“What do you want from me?” I ask, giving him his pencil back and wondering what on earth he’d have to say to me.

Chan just takes the pencil back, murmers a quiet thank you, and drags me into the hall. 

I immediately rip his hold off of me and look around for Jungkook. Luckily he’s not lurking in this hallway, but I need to escape before I see him again.

“Woah, sorry, didn’t mean to upset you,” Chan says, looking as I cross my arms and scowl at him. 

“Upset me? You literally dragged me out here. And I don’t even know your actually name! Of course I’m upset!” I can’t help but raise my voice, done with all this shit I’m dealing with today.

“Okay okay! I’m sorry, really.” Chan fiddles with his jacket. “Let me start over. My name is Bangchan, but my friends call me Chan. I’m Seungmin’s boyfriend.” 

(a/n: in this au all stray kids members are dating each other)

My eyes widen as he continues.

“I’m sorry about acting so aggressive towards you,” says Bangchan, sighing and running his fingers through his hair, “When I saw you hugging Minnie I immediately jumped to conclusions because of the rumors swirling around.”

 I rack my brain and realizes that he’s talking about when I hugged Seungmin after class, just a little bit ago.

“I assumed that you were using him too, so I wanted to protect him,” says Bangchan. Then he pauses, and quietly says, “Minnie’s been hurt before by so called ‘friends,’ so I always worry for him.”

Bangchan’s explanation makes sense.

“Okay,” I say, releasing a breathe, “I accept your apology.” But what does he think of me now?

As if he can read my thoughts, Bangchan says, “I now know you’re not like the rumors. Minnie explained to me how kind you were, always sharing notes and being a good friend to him. So, for that, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay Bangchan,” I say, giving him a small smile, “I understand. Friends?” 

He grins.

“Friends.” 

We depart and I feel a small weight lifted off my shoulder. Sure, today’s been full of ups and downs, but now I can worry about one less thing. 

Now if I could only get rid of these rumors as easily. 

I make my way out of the building and check my phone. 

17 new messages

I open the app an scroll through them.

hwasa: can i talk to you now

hwasa: i understand if you don’t want to but please let me explain

A part of me wants to turn her down, too exhausted with the day’s events. But the bigger part of me wants to reconcile and get the whole story from her. 

me: okay. meet at chung hall in ten? 

hwasa: yes!! see you there

I turn my phone off, deciding to open the other fifteen messages later after this meeting with Hwasa. Which was probably a bad idea, but I literally cannot comprehend dealing with more shit today.

As I make my way to Chung Hall I notice people stealing glances at me. Their stares burn into my back and make me walk faster. 

I make it to Chung Hall in record time and sit on a bench outside while waiting for Hwasa. 

After a couple minutes she shows up, sitting next to me. I’m quiet, waiting for her to start talking.

She turns towards me, apologetic. “Look, Y/n, I’m really really sorry for not telling you about the rumor.” 

Sighing, I respond tiredly, “It’s okay, Hwasa. I just want to know why.”

She bites her lower lip, looking unsure. If she doesn’t tell me then our friendship is going to take huge strain.

“Okay. But you have to promise not to tell anyone, okay? Not even Felix or Jackson knows this.” Her eyes are wide, scared for my answer.

I muster up a small smile. “Hwasa, of course I won’t tell. You can trust me.” 

She relaxes a bit at that, then launches into her story.

“Haneul initially came up with the rumor, and then tried to get me to spread it with her. I told her no, as that’s not right and not fair to you or the boys. But when I denied her she threatened me-“

I gently lay an arm on Hwasa. “You don’t have to tell me anything else if you don’t want to,” I say, not wanting her to spill her secret if it makes her uncomfortable. 

“No, it’s okay. I feel comfortable with you, Y/n.” Hwasa’s lips upturn slightly at that, and she keeps going. “So, Haneul threatened to tell everyone about my crush on Solar.”

I rack my brain, trying to imagine this “Solar” but nothing comes up.

“I don’t even know if she likes girls, or if she’s available! I couldn’t let Haneul do that so I promised not to tell you about the origin of the rumor if she didn’t tell people about my crush. I know, it’s stupid, but-“

I interrupt Hwasa again. “It’s not stupid. Haneul’s just a manipulative bitch. I’m really sorry that happened, Hwasa. You know you can come to me for anything, right?” 

By the end of my spiel Hwasa is hugging me.

“Thank you, Y/n, that really does mean a lot,” she says into my shoulder. 

“Of course.” 

Hwasa ends up telling me how she had accidentally mentioned the rumor to Solar, but couldn’t tell her the origin of it because of Haneul. Solar then mentioned it to Han, who is boyfriends with Bangchan and Seungmin. 

It all makes sense now, why Hwasa couldn’t tell me about the rumor and how Seungmin heard of it as well.

After Hwasa finishes, I ask her a question that I’ve been wondering.

“So…not to be prying, but did you and Jackson really have a project during lunch? Or…” I trail off, realizing how nosy that question sounds.

“Oh…right. About that. No, we didn’t and I was just trying to avoid you,” Hwasa admits, slumping down.

I thought so, but I would never tell her that.

“I’m really sorry, Y/n. I hope that you can forgive me someday,” Hwasa says, apologizing for the millionth time. 

I accept her apology for the millionth time. “Hwasa, we’re forgiven. I understand why you had to do what you did.” 

Hwasa nods, but still promises to make it up to me. 

I check the time on my phone, and realize that I never read the other fifteen messages. Hurriedly I open them, and quickly scan through them. 

jungkookie 🍪: Look, ik you don’t want me to follow you around everywhere

jungkookie 🍪: So I won’t wait for you after your class 

jungkookie 🍪: But

jungkookie 🍪: I want you to know that me and the boys are always here for you

jungkookie 🍪: So please come to us if you need to tell us anything

jungkookie 🍪: Come home after class and we’ll spend some time together :)

jungkookie 🍪: But only if you want to

Shit. I really don’t want to go, but I know the boys well enough that they’ll worry if I don’t show and I can’t have that. Also the way that Jungkook calls it ‘home’ tugs at my heartstrings in a dangerous kind of way.

I type a quick okay to Jungkook then turn to Hwasa.

“Hey, super sorry to dip but Jungkook wants me to go home so-“

“No worries! Go get ‘em, girl, and don’t forget that I’m always here for you. Don’t listen to the rumors!” Hwasa says sneakily, grin on her face. 

It’s nice to have her back.

I thank her as I rush off to the bus stop, hastily responding to the other messages.

hoseok: let me know when your class is done so i can come pick you up

hoseok: never mind jungkook told us what happened and i understand you want to be alone 

hoseok: but know we’re always here for you

hoseok: ❤️

me: thank you 🩷

There are four messages from Taehyung, all about wanting me to come back too so I quickly respond that I am. 

The last message is from Yoongi, and it’s a mere three words.

yoodles 🍜: fuck the rumors

I laugh as I get on the bus, replying with a simple thumbs up. 

My thoughts ruminate as the world whizzes by. It’s really been the longest day of my life. As I mull over what’s happened, there’s only one thing I’m thinking: I have to stop these rumors.

a/n: poor y/n has had a lot happen in one day, and i apologize for that😭 but the day will be over soon. also i am already writing sporadically but school starts again in about a month so the updates will be even less frequent starting then :( 

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Unsolicited 15

Warnings: bad self-thought/talk, bullying, insults, low self-esteem, money problems, oral/noncon, coercion, cum, some untagged sexual and dark elements.

Wouldn’t mind some feedback! Lloyd was driving me nuts so I had to do it. Thank you in advance 💜

Masterlist

You’re silent as you take out the pre-cut ingredients for an omelet and set to the task, paying passive attention to the instructions housed in the leather folder. You know how to make a goddamn omelet. It’s one of the few things you know for sure.

You thought you knew your husband, thought you knew how life would go, thought you knew at least one person you could count on. You were wrong. Like everything else, it’s turned out horribly wrong. Now here you are, making breakfast for some perverted creep who would care more if the eggs were burnt than about you.

You huff as you put a pan flat and try to light the burner. You flick the button over and over, growing frustrated and hitting the stove with your fist. You growl and hang your head. You’re not going to cry.

“Take it easy, doll face, or I’ll have to take that out of your allowance,” Lloyd teases.

You ignore him and try again. It lights. You focus on the task, straightforward, simple, safe. You go back to the fridge and count out three eggs. You place them on the counter as Lloyd comes up to meet you.

“No one likes waking up to that,” he says.

“What do you care?” You snarl as you search the cupboards and pull out a bowl.

“Well, you seem kind of upset.”

“Isn’t that what you enjoy?”

He doesn’t reply as he taps his fingers on the counter, looming, watching you as you do your best to tune him out. He bends to lean his elbow on the marble and squints up at you.

“Lot of gals wouldn’t take it so well. You’re holding it in and it’s not gonna be pretty–”

“Enough,” you snap as you find the whisk and slam the drawer, “and why the hell don’t you put some clothes on?”

He stands straight and shrugs, giving a playful smirk, “thought you might need something to distract you, I don’t know.”

“Why the hell are you asking me all the questions. You must be loving this. You saw me humiliated again. You were right, all along. I’m not good enough for that asshole– and where the fuck did you get a gun?”

“Talk about a lot of questions, sweet cheeks,” he tuts, “you’re right, let’s not get too deep.”

You sigh and add a touch of milk to the eggs and beat them to a smooth yellow. You feel him, lingering. It’s so fucking annoying. You need him to go away. You peek over as he leans on the counter, his focus still on you. You let the whisk rest on the edge of the bowl.

“Right, you need to leave me alone,” you grab him by the dick and trap him against the counter, pumping him as he gasps.

“Woah, slow down, baby, what–”

“Shut up,” you reach down to cup underneath and give a gentle squeeze, kneading him until he groans. He hardens against your impatient grasp.

“Wait, you don’t just–”

“Daddy, be real pretty and quiet for me,” you mock him as you roll your palm over his tip and make him twitch, “that’s it, let me hear it.”

He bites his lip, eyes round with shock, helpless as you stroke him, standing close as heavy breaths puff from his nose. He looks down and his lashes flutter as he braces the counter, dumbfounded by your sudden assault. You’re not thinking, just doing, anything to get some space from the idiot.

He latches onto your arm, a pathetic attempt to stop you, and you speed up. The friction is hot and dry. You bring your hand to your mouth and lick it, quickly resuming your motion as he pushes his head back and grunts. You speed up until you see the muscles in his neck and chest clench and he grits his teeth.

“That’s it, cum,” you snarl and he lets out a croak, spilling on command as he shudders and his cum drips beneath your fingers and slicken his length. You keep on until he’s trembling and you let him go without pretense.

You turn to the sink to rinse your hand with warm water and dry off with a dish cloth. You toss it at him and elbow his side as you dump the sliced green onion into the egg. 

“Go on, I’ll bring you your breakfast,” you dismiss him with a curl of your lip.

“Wha…” his voice trails off.

“You got what you want,” you continue to pour in fixings, “and I’m busy.”

He doesn’t move right away. When he manages to stand on his own strength, he wipes himself with the dish cloth, strings of his release up his stomach as he exhales heavily. He doesn’t say a word as he retreats and you scowl at your task. Thank fucking god, if he stayed another second, you might have strangled him by the neck instead.

💎

You maintain a wordless trance as you go about the morning. You serve Lloyd at the table and go to tidy the kitchen. You return when he’s finished and get him a second coffee at his request. That’s easy. Taking his orders. It gives you thoughts that aren’t your own.

When you find the table empty, you’re relieved. You continue down your daily checklist, wiping the table and pushing in his chair. You vacuum the elaborate rug in what he refers to pretentiously as the parlour. You replace his glass from the night before with the rest and carry on to the next room.

It’s after noon, you’re tired, hungry, and just as Colin deemed, miserable. You look up, startled at the sudden silent presence. Lloyd is all in black, a jacket zipped to his chin as he has a black bag hooked over his shoulder. You lower the duster and meet his gaze.

“I got a job, you got yours. I’ll be back,” he says.

“Okay.”

“Don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“I didn’t ask.”

He raises a finger, his hands gloved in leather. He points at you, “when I get back, I want that attitude gone. You get one gimme. I won’t put up with that shit a second time.”

You consider him, your jaw steel as you bite down. You nod, “yes, daddy.”

He drops his hand, “good girl.” He turns but stops halfway, “and to offer what little comfort I’m willing to, this place is secured by the square inch. That fucker won’t be back.”

“I can handle him.”

“Yeah, well I’m telling you, you won’t have to.”

You swallow and accept it. It’s not exactly a glowing declaration of affection, but what it is is as close as he’ll ever come to genuine humanity. 

“Thanks.”

“I’m off,” he raps his knuckles on the door frame and swiftly strides away. 

You listen to his footsteps, followed quickly by the front door. You wait until you’re certain he’s gone. You go out to the entryway and peer around. You tiptoe to the side table and slide open the drawer. It’s empty.

You sit on the stairs and set the duster down, rubbing the wrinkle in your forehead as you think. That’s not a good idea as everything hits you at once. Colin and his true feelings, Lloyd and his covert career. Questions you don’t want the answers to; how long had Colin been repulsed by you? Why the fuck did Lloyd have a gun? And what were you doing here?

You drop your head into your hands and suck in a breath. When you let it go, it all comes out. The tears, the grief, the angers, the fear, every emotion drains from you until you're crumpled on the floor. Is this what rock bottom feels like?

[headingalaxys-spicy]

Spicy plz I’m so bored ;-;— could you grace me with some headcanons for yandere America with an s/o who seems oblivious to his tendencies but is actually just. Pretty okay with it? Like they feel like this is the best they’re gonna get so they may as well make the most of it? Despite my casual tone I’m very okay with you ripping my heart out with angst or despair in any way you see fit <3

Probably not my best work but still hope you like it!

Okay warning ya'll this post is SPICY also it goes over abusive relationships so if that's not for you I suggest that you turn away now.

Your problems all began when you were let into the real world after college. It would be easy, they said. You just needed your degree, they said. Then it would be ‘smooth sailing’. 

Sure. SURE. That was a load of total bullshit. You now had to battle tooth and nail just to have the basic necessities barely. Your future looked bleak. ‘The Dream’ that originally you wanted to achieve: Get married, have two kids, have a house you owned, and maybe a fancy car that yu could show off and keep up with the Joneses. Best them even. 

You simply wanted more time with your family and friends, so you avoided applying to ghost jobs and attending interviews that ultimately led nowhere. You did freelance work like writing gigs, catering, and the occasional art commission in order to keep your head above the water. 

Some days were easy, but most were difficult. Keeping the tiny flame ignited within you to keep you going was a 24 hr 7-day 7-day-a-week kind of job. With each passing day, finding the will to exist was getting harder. 

‘Why do anything if I’m constantly feeling empty?’ 

You felt as though you were on a pitch-black road where your flashlight could only reach 2 ft in front of you. 

That was until Alfred burst into your life in the early morning sun rays that broke through the deep blue-black of the nighttime sky. His outward warmth brought the birds to life and made the flowers blossom. He was the bright person you needed to be around you. Even if that meant you tolerated his sinister tendencies that you commonly wrote off as him being an excellent protective boyfriend in a somewhat twisted way. 

Alfred always knows where you are. He ensures the Find My iPhone tracker is activated and shares your location with him at all times. When you first saw it, and he didn’t even bother to ask or even tell you that he did so… You simply ignored it. He was your boyfriend, and that’s what good boyfriends do…..protect their highly vulnerable S/O and part of that is knowing where you are at all times. 

Things don’t escalate if you’re incredibly passive and are compliant with the rules that Alfred sets for you. You will have a lack of privacy. He gets far more possessive if individuals (s) in your midst are suspicious or seem to be far too friendly for his liking. You become afraid of him when he raises his voice while interrogating you about one of your friends or acquaintances. Alfred’s fist will have made another gaping hole in the wall, which sometimes makes you fear for your life or your family. You would nearly jump out of your skin every time you came home & you saw his infamous frown combined with sapphire blues holding back famished flames, needy for more people to devour if they dared to come in between the two of you. 

Anyone who dared to challenge him on any of his behavior would be silenced swiftly. Most of the time, his victims would never be seen again; other times, they’d end up with some horrific injury or illness that prevented his targets from having the willpower to fight back or squeal. 

You always wondered why it had become much more difficult for you to maintain genuine friendships. You glossed over the fact that Alfred demanded 110% of your attention. This makes it hard for you to have a life outside of him. He also has enforced a curfew on you. 

‘He does that so some creep doesn’t try to kidnap me.’ That would be one of the excuses that you tell yourself in order to excuse his behavior. Besides, how long has it been since you were able to get a date before him? Two or three years, probably more, since so much time has passed since you’ve had a serious long-term relationship. You couldn’t really remember at this point. 

Whenever he objects to you leaving the house, 98% of the time, you employ some tactics when dealing with him. Negotiation. You primarily used this tactic when the effects of becoming stir-crazy have become unbearable. You feared that you would be swallowed up by his home and never seen again. 

“Alfred….” your eyes will search the hardwood floor for the perfect combination of words that will assist in getting you to some level of freedom. 

“I really want some fresh air….and…it’s been forever since we’ve had a cute date on in the park….or going to my favorite restaurant that is on the promenade….” Your eyes cautiously climb up to meet his. You braced yourself for the possible avalanche that was going to careen towards you if you didn’t plant your ice ax in neutral snow. 

“Where I first began to fall in love with you truly!” You blurted out with partially feigned fervor. Enough energy was behind your words that you could see Alfred’s shoulder relax. His freshly trimmed eyebrows were raised in curiosity and disbelief. However, he wasn’t entirely convinced yet. You needed to stroke his ego a little more. He needed reassurance that you were utterly smitten with him. His continued silence was a sign for you to continue with your argument. 

“I know when the last sun rays of the day hit your magnificent sky blues, I know that we were meant to be together.” It will feel like an eternity has passed before Alfred finally responds. 

“Alright, babe.” 

You hear him rise from his spot on the couch & make his way towards you. 

“We can go tonight, but you’ve got to get dressed in something better than that~” Alfred will have pinned you to the front door as he whispers in your ear his other demands he has for you. Usually, it’s that of a sexual nature. Alfred does have you do things like: have you wear a skimpy outfit while you iron his clothes, and give him head while he reads comics or plays video games. You’re not allowed to deny him anything that he asks of you when you work out a ‘deal’ with him. If you do you’ll have to do double of whatever it is along with being chained to the bed for a few days. 

Essentially dear reader you have Stockholm Syndrome. Regardless of what torture he puts you through, you wouldn’t want your life any other way. After all, it was Alfred who brought forth the morning sun in your life which felt as though you were cursed to be within a state of eternal midnight. 

Who were you to complain when he saved you from being on the streets whose jagged teeth had the flesh of the unfortunate on them but always eager for more.

So what if you were a little traumatized?

So what if you sometimes you had scars whenever you did something to set the sleeping volcano off?

It was better than being awash amidst the sea of people who merely became a number to add to a statistical data set. 

Alfred does weaponize sex a lot within your relationship. Not only is it a bargaining tool whenever you are desperate to meet your social needs as a human, but you use it to stop his occasional rampages, get some level of privacy (for example, showering by yourself or being able to keep a dairy without him snooping in it) 

Since Alfred is an exhibitionist & will never turn down an opportunity to showcase his power over you, he will have you do extreme things with him. He’ll demand that you have sex in public with him, like in the park, at a movie theatre, at Disney World on a dark ride, or even on the top of the roof of a government building. If it’s risky as hell with an epic story to tell, then Alfred will want to rail you there. Bonus: he will want you to be butt-naked in the car as well. Alfred will want you to feel every ounce of embarrassment, shame, & every emotion in between that makes you feel vulnerable and powerless. However, this punishment will only occur if you’re stupid enough to try and plan an escape away from him or say something that majorly punctures his ego. 

No matter how much he made you cry, made you bleed after sex, siphoned you off from your support system, and kept you firmly under his thumb… your low self-esteem told you that this was what you deserved. This was normal. This was how all couples behaved.

[prince-liest]

oh my god. your wording in one of ur latest anon answers. does…. is val the only one who does the dumping? does vox never dump val??? i always like… idk i assumed that they both broke it off in a never ending downward spiral, mutually. but oh my GOD? you’re saying val is the only one doing the breaking up? i….. this is shifting my entire perspective on vox. HOLD ON. HOLD ON. not to beat a dead dove here (that was a brilliant pun yes i’m stealing it), but……… this is sliding right into my vault where i keep my Vox and Domestic Violence Thoughts. he just seems so…. helpless. he’s helpless all the time and in complete denial about it. at first it was clear he’s pretty helpless around alastor -in both canon and your fic. alastor is stronger, and also, in the beginning had the Extreme emotional upper hand. i knew this, yet, like in canon, i assumed more or less alastor was the chink in his armor. vox DOES run the vee’s competently, he handles val, and he’s arguably the fourth most powerful sinner in hell (behind zestial, carmilla, and alastor). those 3 things are true, AND YET. let’s look behind the wizards curtain. how does vox live his Personal life. not his job or position of power. how does his close relationships define him. let’s see now. the initial intense obsession with alastor, which had ONLY left him rejected and humiliated. helpless. and now val. i Assume vox enacts some physical violence on val, too, but something in his wording in the last installment. vox made the point to compare alastors straight up murder attempts to how val acts. i do not think vox does that with val, at least not in a trivial and common manner (he has said the vee’s have all killed e/o before). and when i said “sure he can act disgruntled and upset in the moment” in another ask, i MEANT that vox could break up with val for a couple days before crawling right back like nothing happened. but NO. NOT EVEN THAT. vox endures, and he ultimately does Nothing. NOTHING. and not even that, he is subjected to val breaking it off in a cyclic manner, for superficial or nonexistent issues. and then after a week val will call and vox will come crawling back like nothing happened, and the timer for 4 months begins again. through everything, EVERYTHING, vox really just seems… passive in the grand scheme of things. it’s paradoxical, because he’s also outrageously ambitious. i think that’s one of his core character traits, a constant greed and pursuit of it. that’s unequivocally true about him. but then we look at his love life, and what do we see? he lets the two men he loves basically do whatever they want with him. and he does it because he loves them, as well as being unable to admit he’s suffering. i will say, from now on it’s clear that his relationship with alastor is veering off this direction, but i want to STRESS that it was actually ALASTOR that cemented that. vox, in a spurt of emotion, let it slip out his history of domestic violence. then, promptly brushed it off to appease alastor. he set the terms of the deal, but he did it as a silly pinky promise. he, again, never allows himself to take it SERIOUSLY. because IF HE DOES!!!! then he needs to set boundaries AND ABIDE BY THEM!!!!!!!! AND WHAT THEN. WHAT THEN. THEN THE NEXT TIME VAL OR ALASTOR CROSS A LINE, HE NEEDS TO END IT. LEAVE. DO ANYTHING. AND HE IS NEVER GONNA DO THAT!!!!!!!! and here’s the real fucking kicker…… he expects them to. to keep hurting him. that’s the root of it. it’s not a real boundary, because it’s an inevitability. valentino and alastor will always want to hurt him, so a relationship without that violence is nonexistent. (that’s what he believes btw. hopefully not the truth). and so, vox has made his choice. he’s a businessman, and he has weighed the pros and cons. the violence and crossed boundaries he faces is outweighed by his love for them, and ultimately, that means they can do whatever they want to him. he is helpless.

(this was an entire rant, dear god. and of course the disclaimer that this is all my personal delusions, and not necessarily your take on vox in your series. i swear, i never know how these asks get so long. i promise i start of with a simple idea, then it all implodes into an essay. so sorry. love you.) -🌓

I have good news and bad news for you, anon!

The bad news is that I have misled you slightly: My actual full perspective of the Valentino and Vox on-and-off dating situation is that Vox dumps Valentino when he feels a sufficiently angry flavor of upset that Valentino refuses to listen to him on some things (usually not, actually, the violence, unless Val breaks something for Vox to be angry about); and Valentino dumps Vox when he wants Vox to annoyedly pretend not to moon after him for a week. In both situations, sometimes Vox ends up giving up the ghost and functionally crawling his way back to Val, but more commonly Valentino decides that he's had enough and rather handily seduces Vox into a round of what Vox promises himself is hate sex and not makeup sex but is inevitably always very sappy makeup sex with a side of lovebombing.

This is. Arguably not that different of a flavor from what you're describing, haha, especially since a lot of Vox managing to be the one to break things off at any given point in time hinges on him being able to frame his rationale as "anger" rather than "upset," the latter of which just gets brushed under the carpet of Emotions That Are Not Taken Seriously. He can act on a great many things if he justifies them as something he is right to be objective and angry over, including outright killing Valentino at least once at some point in the past, but anything that makes him feel vulnerable or, ah, let's deliberately and pointedly use the word hysterical, is a pre-existing internal struggle that Valentino knows how to manipulate to his advantage.

The good news is that this lovely analysis inspired me to almost completely rewrite a section of the next 666 fic that I'd been dissatisfied with. I initially wrote Vox as annoyed; what he needed to be was Very Stressed And Upset in a way that distinctly refused to dare stray into anger because the fundamental concern was about what Alastor wanted - just as you described, Vox fumbling his own distress with his learned helplessness when it comes to intimate relationships. Anyway, now I'm WAY happier with it! So thank you very much for that!

[moreespressoformydepresso]

I promise I’m still alive and writing but I’ve been working a lot, I’m planning a vacation and I’m still not over the person that showed me how shitty people can be who I recently realized may have actually been cyberstalking me so it’s taking me longer than usual to do anything.

It did give me this AU tho:

The tributes are saved because they’ve been through so much shit it made them become expert therapists.

It all started when Lysistrata confided in Jessup about a bad friendship breakup she had and he not only reassured her that she dodged a massive bullet, but he ended up giving her some pretty good advice. When she told Coriolanus about this, he hesitantly opens up to Lucy Gray about his struggles and her compassion and good suggestions snowball (ha) into him getting his ass hauled to actual therapy. All hail his therapist, who works overtime to fix the mess that is Coriolanus Snow and is tipped generously once Tigris gets her fashion business off the ground.

Livia complains about the general mean girl/boy-ness of her friend group and Facet hesitantly but kindly informs her that she’s been gossiping about them behind their backs too and maybe she should try to work on herself so the better friend groups will want to hang out with her. Lo and behold once she shows her real self she gains a less toxic circle of people around her. Not even she knows when she started considering Facet part of it, but damn it all if she won’t use her mom’s bank connections to make sure she won’t lose the person who singlehandedly managed to change her life for the better.

Palmyra doesn’t think she’s mean, but Velvereen opens her eyes to the idea of passive meanness. Actions can be bad, but sometimes inaction is worse. Not telling her friends to stop insulting some poor kid isn’t being ‘neutral’, because silence is taking the side of the agressor. Velvereen only said it in regards to Palmyra’s social life, but it doesn’t take the mentor long to take a step back and apply that logic to the games. She doesn’t like them, but she sure as heck never did anything to stop them, did she? Maybe it was time to change that, and maybe it was time to share her newfound wisdom with her classmates.

Marcus doesn’t like Sejanus. Not at all. But he deserves better than this. So he points out all the ways in which Sejanus’s friends… kinda suck? Because they’re not as mean to him as other Capitol people but that doesn’t make them good. So he suggests owning the title of District Scum more than he already does and no longer doing anything for them so they realize how much he’s done for them despite their snotty attitudes. Sejanus tries it, and several people’s weeks are ruined because of how many nice guy things Sejanus was doing. He gains a lot more respect, and his voice suddenly has a whole lot more impact. Marcus didn’t foresee a sudden pushback to the games thanks to his little comment, but he’s not complaining. Not in the slightest.

Festus saw himself as a good individual. He had some less “savory” tastes like dog fighting, sure, but that didn’t make him a bad person. He was even feeding his tribute, because not doing so would be heartless. He’s a good person! Well, Coral rips that fantasy apart and enjoys his resulting metaphorical tears for breakfast when she breaks it to him after he asks her why she hates him so much: feeding her is less than the bare minimum, and he’s doing it with massive ulterior motives too. She lays out all the shitty things he’s done and wow does that force him to reflect. She may not have intended it, she was merely blowing off steam, but… that truly changes him. Because he suggested executing any District citizen that doesn’t watch the games… the games where their children are being murdered. Then he starts seeing, actually seeing the tributes instead of looking at them like circus animals, and he realizes they’re not being murdered by each other because none of them have a choice. They’re being murdered by the Capitol and everyone in it who only see the barbaric death and ignore the cause of it. Then he sees how close the tributes from 7 are, the kids from the district that brings his family money. The reason for his own wealth and status… maybe there’s more that Festus had been unable or unwilling to see, and while he’s working on figuring out how to end the games, maybe it’s worth asking about the conditions of the people who suffer for his comfort.

Pup Harrington knows about war. His dad’s a general, how could he not? But talking to Lamina gives him some insights he’d never had before. From the other side. War’s cruel, but he’d never wanted to realize it’s cruel for all sides. Even the one he doesn’t like. And when he sees her crying, he sees his own friends and family all those years ago. At first it annoyed him, but then when he confided in her in a moment of frustration, she opened up to him and showed her she understood him. Then he realized her tears annoyed him because they made it harder to distance himself from her. They made it harder to see her as an animal. From that moment on, he vows to get her out of these games. It only takes one more conversation with her for him to realize that if the most surefire way of achieving that goal is getting all the tributes out and stopping the games as a whole just to make her happy and ensure her safety, then the consequences be damned he’s gonna make it happen!

Arachne was happy with her tribute. She’s big and muscular and has a pretty good chance of winning. Not as good as Livia or Lysistrata or Clemensia, maybe, but good enough. But Brandy is district, so of course she’s gonna tease a little. At first the girl steals a knife and lunges for her throat, but she stops. For some reason, she has mercy. And then she talks. About home, about her troubles, her insecurities, all the things Arachne had never even thought district people would have because they weren’t human. When she’s done, Brandy turns to Arachne and sits down cross legged. “So, which one of these made you think bullying a starving child with food would make you better? How did you think this was a good idea in any way?” And Arachne has no answer because she hadn’t thought about it. She was Capitol and this girl was District, they both deserved what they’d gotten right? Arachne just did these things to people below her because… because why? Because that’s all she’s ever been taught to do. It’s how things were. And in a way it felt good to remind others (and herself) of her status. But this girl shared so many problems that Arachne could relate to… maybe it was worth asking a few more questions. And maybe it’s time for her to use her Crane status for a selfless goal for once.

Vipsania is competitive. Very competitive. Since a big part of her victory is going to be performance, she tries to figure out a way to exploit her tribute’s clear affinity for entertainment. It starts by forcing him go perform for food in the zoo, and things go according to plan for a while. That is until she gets into another fight with her parents about her plans for the future. They just don’t get it! When she rants about it to her classmates in the zoo, her tribute overhears and calls her over. She wasn’t here for him, she was just going along with her friends since they had plans for after this, and she hasn’t talked to her tribute since the interviews where he’d been chained to the table. Vipsania doesn’t know what made her decide to waste her time on this, but she does. He asks her why she’s so against the career paths her parents want for her, and it’s so stupid because isn’t it obvious?! She’s not them! But the boy, Treech, isn’t satisfied. He looks at her with stupidly soft sympathetic eyes as he asks her why she’d think going into those careers isn’t “her”. It’s stupid and it’s none of his business and he’s just a tool for her victory and she knows he knows that so why does he care? But she indulges him, if only to get it off her chest, and he listens. He listens to her rant and rave just quietly enough to not disturb anyone and by the end of it he’s far more understanding than anyone else she’s ever talked to. He doesn’t belittle her or try to get her to “see her parents’ perspective” like others have done, he validates her feelings instead. He tells her what she wanted to hear: she’s right to feel this way. But then he tells her what she needs to hear: “have you ever told them this? Have you explained to them why you feel this way instead of just stating that you do?” She hasn’t. Treech suggests she try, so she humors him. It works. Once she sits down with her parents and lays it all out the way Treech helped her figure out, they actually listen and change their minds. The whole situation gets her thinking about her view of her tribute. She hadn’t been subtle about how she views him, and still he went out of his way to help her. To be kind and supportive and helpful to someone who treated him badly. What did that say about what she’d been taught? What did that say about her? It doesn’t take her long to realize what she has to do. Vipsania is competitive, and she refused to lose Treech’s life to the Capitol’s (and her own) cruelty. She would repay his kindness no matter what.

And the list goes on. I’ll type out the other possible problems and give more depth at some point in the future but I need to go to bed lmao (also the tag limit is 30). Either way, the mentors get free therapy and a conscience for the lowly price of staging a coup. They sabotage the pre-game program to buy time and when Gaul orders the games to start her lab is suspiciously bombed, giving Felix the time to drop trying to convince the president to withdraw his support for the games and go full blackmail instead. The president is annoyed until he’s forced to meet Dill and starts making arrangements to get the tributes checked over in the hospital before sending them home with communicuffs to stay in contact with their mentors if they wish.

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary + rapid fire/actor bird secondary

Hi! I’ve passively loved this system for a couple of years now but it’s only now that I’ve discovered that you actually do real people sorts! Anyway, I am pretty sure of being a Snake primary, but I’ll have you be the judge of that.

My Dad is a double Snake, however, my Mum I think is a Badger/Lion and this obviously creates a lot of conflict between them. I really care about both of them and though me & dad understand each other better on a fundamental level, he can also be quite a harsh and manipulative person (he has the typical Snake secondary thing where he tells you whatever you want to hear until you get close to him or he’s exhausted enough  to let the masks drop, and at that point he becomes quite harsh, which my Badger/Lion mum does NOT like, and she especially doesn’t like how “fake” he is), and my Mum always reacted very negatively to my behaving like him. 

A Double Snake and and Badger Lion could easily have periods of looking very similar, and very in sync, and then just… circumstances change and they couldn’t be more different. That’s a tricky one to navigate. So you’ve got a bit of cultural negativity surrounding Snake secondary, noted. 

So I kind of spent most of my life feeling torn because the two people I cared about the most had very opposing expectations of my personality

Definitely getting inklings of a Loyalist primary (Badger or Snake.) 

my Mum’s love in particular felt very conditional even though she was always very supportive of all my intellectual endeavors.

I spent the first 18-ish years of my life with “saying whatever I need to get what I want” as my primary strategy in life 

Definitely sounds quite Snake secondary (sounds a lot like your Dad’s Snake.) 

 and constructing a “cool, popular girl” personality that would give me enough social capital to get whatever I want.

Oooh, have we got some Bird secondary going on? Because this sounds like it could be Actor Bird. The very conscious way you went about building “Cool, Popular Girl” (even using words like “constructing”) and fact that this persona has a name, probably had a costume, and is purpose-built for a specific environment, not a specific person... sounds very Bird.

What I wanted, though, wasn’t anything particularly ambitious: I’m very conflict averse so I made shit up to avoid conflict. 

I associate this with Snake and Bird, the two “I move” secondaries. They’re water, flowing around obstacles. Lions and oddly Badgers are far more likely to pick fights. 

I wanted to be have strong “ride or die” friendships with people I could protect and who could protect me in turn (I first wrote “group of friends” but I now realize that I kind of struggle with groups of people - I just never have the feeling of being part of a group, just having ties with individual people, so I guess I want to be part of a group in the sense of having ties of affection and loyalty with several people who also have them with each other).

This is such heavily Snake primary-coded language, that I’m kinda wondering if that’s on purpose, and you’re looking for a specific answer from me… :) 

However, because what I got from my mum and, quite honestly, the media I liked was basically “my personality=villain.” I tended to seek out other people perceived as “villains” as some way because I felt that they would accept me more easily. 

I wish it weren’t the case, but you’re right, that’s a common thing. Especially if you’re a Double Snake or a Snake Bird, which I think are your two most likely sortings right now. 

I also really hated people who treated their friends badly or arrogantly and tended to bully them 

I mean that’s the human thing, but it’s definitely something that would bother a Loyalist (Snake or Badger primary) a LOT. 

there was this one swotty girl who was constantly looking down at her friends and treating them badly, and I just decided to make her life living hell because I was so morally affronted by it. 

I’d love to know exactly what your strategies were, because that would tell me a lot about your secondary. But there does seem to be a suggestion that there was a Mean-Girls-stye *plan* here, which kind of makes me think Bird. 

Another friend also abandoned us and found another friend group where everyone was basically in love with him and he was using them for attention seeking purposes and I also reacted to this quite harshly.

“Abandon” is a very dramatic word to describe a friend [entering a slight fuckboy phase?] and switching friend groups. 

The thing is, I also tended to abandon some people, which doesn’t clash well a Snake primary, I guess? One of my HS friend groups were really quite asshole-ish, and I ended up ditching them, but that was because I felt like they were treating other close people (of theirs, not mine) badly? 

Okay. So here’s what I think is going on. You’re a Badger. Hear me out. 

Yes, I think that your Badger looked like a Snake for a good long while. But you’re close to your Dad, and your Dad’s a Snake, and young Badgers will do that, look like authority figures or beloved people in their community. It really hurts you that your parents are not a united unit, not a community. A Snake would have an easier time just having separate relationships with each of them, even if they didn’t get along. Same thing with your friend that switched friend groups. That’s a very Badger way of looking at the situation. The Snake thing would be, well - he’s your friend, and it doesn’t really matter what group he’s him. But a Badger would want him to stay in the better group, the group that was better for him. 

You hate it when people mistreat their group. You hate bullies (Captain America style.) That’s all Badger. You also talk about multiple, conflicting groups of friends, and that whole “Cool Popular Girl” - I mean, it’s not exclusive to Badger primaries, bit it is definitely a very common way for High School Badger primaries to present. 

I had also decided to start taking school and stuff more seriously and I just kind of felt like their affection would be conditional on my bad bitch persona, got scared and ran? It was a long time ago, I don’t really remember.

This is Bird secondary thing. Getting “suck” in a persona, and worrying that people only like you / you only have value because of it. 

The turnpoint came when I met my first serious boyfriend, who is definitely a Snake secondary but I’m honestly not sure if he’s a Snake or a Bird primary.

The so far elaborately constructed web of lies and reputation building that was my life led to the downfall of our relationship, because it combined with some external circumstances made trust difficult

You have a complicated relationship with Snake secondaries, but you yourself are a Bird. “Construction,” “reputation building,” the web metaphor… it sounds like a Bird. That’s just not how Snake secondaries think. 

what I somehow got out of it was a deep fear of betrayal and abandonment 

and possibly Burned your primary a little bit (probably another reason you’re picking Snake for yourself, Burnt Badgers look like Snakes. 

and the impression that if I wanted people to love me and stay by my side, I should be very open about who I am (so that I’m sure that it’s me that they’re loyal to and not their personal image of me), and just try to be the kind of kind, morally upstanding person that people couldn’t fault for anything.

These are two mutually exclusive goals. If you’re totally honest and open about who you are (the Lion secondary thing) - then you will absolutely ruffle some feathers and rub people the wrong way. It’s a totally different approach than being the “kind [person] that people couldn’t fault for anything.” (Which is more of a badger thing.)

Forcing myself to act like this led to a plethora of mental health issues because being very open about who I am is just… not who I am? 

You also just set yourself for failure. There is literally no way you could have achieved what you set out to achieve. And how is “forcing” yourself to act a certain way more open and genuine? It sounds like you built a Badger secondary model out of fear, and just sat in it for a while.

And it was very anxiety-inducing for me. Even now, when my mental health is much better and I’ve settled into who I am, I like showing off my playfulness and wit and keeping the rest of my personality behind a neutrally charming mask.

And that’s… good? Normal? That’s also very Bird. Just have a charming, Badger-flavored ‘customer service’ face that you wear as you go through the world. Go into Neutral when you feel comfortable. (Birds go into Neutral very much like Snakes do, but the change usually isn’t as dramatic.) 

Also, my success until that point was based on a lot of improvisation and quick thinking, and while I kept that to a point, it also always led to a bunch of moral panic because in my head, being this kind of person is what gets you abandoned.

Rapid-Fire Bird. There’s a little bit of your Bird coming through here, in that you want a foundation, you don’t want to just do the Snake thing. 

Anyway, I was a psychology major (I always liked understanding how people tick and how to get them to see or do what  you want them to without having to explicitly argue with them or convince them)

Very Bird. 

but I felt alienated with the “bleeding heart helping profession!!” people around me.

I am not at all surprised that the profession skews Badger secondary, and that it did not feel at all good being around all those Badger secondaries... when you’ve got such a messy relationship with your Badger model. 

I eventually settled for doing research on children growing up in harsh circumstances who develop externalizing symptoms, but it was just because throughout my life I met a lot of people like that and a lot of my close people are “misunderstood” because they sometimes behave harshly due to their harsh upbringings, so I wanted to vindicate them in a way, as well as vindicate myself because I cared about explaining why people sometimes act less than morally and yet can still be loyal and worthy of love and not automatically “bad people”.

I love this for you. It seems like this would just fit into your primary so nicely. You’ve got a category of people, who are your people and you’re going to vindicate them, and protect them - especially from other people seeking to dehumanize them. It’s so Badger, but in that lovely universal way. 

In the meanwhile, I kind of developed a Badger primary model, I guess, in that I do dedicate a lot of my time to helping people

… or you were a Badger all along…

 and being kind and open and inviting

yeah, that has absolutely nothing to do with being a Badger primary. I’m serious. That’s just your neutrally-charming mask. 

but whenever this is put to the test my Snake loyalties always always come first. 

I honestly haven’t seen this so far. The only individuals you’ve talked about are your parents (who bothered you by not being a group, your fuckboy friend (who left the group) and your first boyfriend, who you broke up with. 

And I also still always get morally outraged when people are disloyal to their close ones or treat them badly, 

This your primary talking. (your why, what gets you out of bed in the morning)

whereas the general kindness and the work I put in towards making sure the world is a kinder, fairer place is just something that I do, no emotional attachment to it, and I don’t expect other people to do it at all.

This is your badger secondary model talking. (how you go about doing things, how you present to the world.) Both Badger, yes. EXTREMELY different. 

I honestly don’t think a lot about morality, aside from the generic “be kind and try not to fuck people over unless you really have to”

I mean, you did just say. “I also still always get morally outraged when people are disloyal to their close ones or treat them badly.” I think you just must not consider that sort of thing… really morality, in some way. But Badgers get their morality from their group. Their highest moral good is to make sure the group is doing okay. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. 

rationally constructing a system of morality or trying to arrive at some kind of internal hunch both feel kind of empty to me? 

Because you’re not a Bird or Lion primary? Of course it does. 

Now, as for the secondary, my knee jerk reaction is to say Bird because I’m in research, and ever since childhood I’ve always been a very logical person. I’ve eventually learned to be quite systemic in my problem solving process because I need it for research, but what I like about this career is the problem solving aspect of it, like you have a goal (for example, an effective psychosocial information or the acquisition of a certain kind of information) and you have to figure out how to get to that information. Basically the most efficient way of getting from A to B.

 I make sure to be systemic and thorough and analytical because it’s the most surefire way to get things right in my line of work, but I also take pleasure in kind of categorizing and putting information in order, and connecting it along different lines. I also really care about proper methodology and not half-assing things to get the results that you want, because I think that the results that you want are the results that are accurate and useful in the real world, not the ones that make you look better.

Wait, am I a double Snake?

Okay, now you’ve got ME worried - I must have really screwed up explaining something, because how can you write something THAT bird secondary, love systems as much as you do… and arrive at the conclusion that you’re a Snake? 

What I know for sure is that I absolutely do not identify with “knowledge for knowledge’s sake”, but I do have a really broad criteria for what “useful knowledge” is because I’m capable of thinking quite abstractly, so I can see the utility of almost anything.

That is very, very, very Bird. I’m starting to see the problem though. “Knowledge for knowledge’s sake” is an older phrase that owes more to the parent system than I would like, but it does essentially mean “no knowledge is wasted, the most useful way to solve problems is to preemptively hoard knowledge.” 

What I am really also passionate about is presenting things in the right way. I love writing, and I love public speaking, because I get to put myself in the other person’s shoes, imagine how they will “receive” what I’m saying and then tailor my presentation or short story or whatever to lead them to the conclusion that I want them to reach. But I dislike manipulating people with this: the conclusions that I want them to reach are the ones that I personally consider accurate, not the ones that benefit me.

First thing, you sound like an absolutely incredible person, and by pretty much any metric you want to use, a *good* person. (And no, that’s not because the way you’ve written this is manipulating me. This is my little game, I’m good at it.) 

What I can tell you that tailoring a presentation to an audience - that’s just a Rapid-Fire Bird who knows their stuff doing trick-shots, and I bet it’s beautiful to see. You are delivering information in a way that the audience can properly take in, because you know both your audience and your information well enough to do that, and that is incredible. 

My knee-jerk reaction is always to improvise, but I feel like this makes me come off as a “fake” person if I change my mind on what I said later (I change my mind A LOT), so I try not to say what sounds good in the moment because it will bite me in the ass later and lead to a reputation of a flaky, fake person, I guess?

Not 100% sure what you mean here. Changing your mind… is just a personality trait, it doesn’t really have to do with why you do things or how you do them. I think you would call tailoring your presentations improvisation, and I really wouldn’t. It’s not improvisation, it’s just looks like improvisation because you’ve come up with a hundred different ways to say this thing, and then on the day you can pick the one that works the best. If you had to do the same thing, but not in your preferred subject matter/environment, it would be basically impossible.

But I also really pride myself on my logical and thorough assessments of situations, and I tend to like thinking things through when I get the chance for it, often postponing decisions until I’ve thought about all the eventual longterm consequences of all the courses of action I might take. 

Bird. 

What trips me up is my trauma-induced fixation with being “honest” and avoiding “lies”, which are more about their eventual inefficacy and worthlessness and less about their moral rightness or wrongness (and also because manipulative=bad, as my Mum spent all of my life saying). My line of thinking is, “Things built on lies or self-delusion always crash down and burn, and it is right that they do so that more stable and honest things can take place”

What are you building on lies? If anyone’s work has a solid foundation, it’s yours. And as we’ve previously discussed, even IF you were doing your mom’s brash Lion secondary thing, wouldn’t that be in a lie in itself, because it’s not your natural presentation, it’s something you need to force yourself to do? 

but I also kind of use it to do shady shit - like I don’t feel morally wrong in hitting up a man in a relationship, because if he really cares about his woman the only person who’ll get burned is me and if he doesn’t I saved her the trouble of wasting more of her time on him?

This is actually a really interesting aside, because it’s you telling me how you handle a moral issue (that makes it a Primary thing.) 

Is it wrong to hit on a married man? Your answer is No: either you get turned down because he’s staying faithful, and that’s your own personal risk, or he cheats, in which case he’s kind of … dehumanizing himself? And therefore you are doing his partner a favor because she can now get rid of this unhealthy member of her community. There’s a logic there, and it’s a kind of ruthless Badger primary logic. 

So not sure if Snake or Badger secondary?

Bird. 

P.S. After some self-reflection, I realized that I’m probably not a Bird secondary

I’m listening. 

because I really hate following plans and situations where I have to rely on concrete skills and not abstract problem solving terrify me. OTOH I am very proud of my general ability to assess a situation and act appropriately.

Not sure how you’re distinguishing between “concrete skills” and “abstract problem solving.” From what you’ve been telling me, it sounds like you need the concrete skills before you can do the abstract problem solving, as in they work together. 

I’m also known as the person who changes PowerPoint slides in the middle of a conference based on whoever’s speaking before her and adapting her speech accordingly, which freaks the shit out of my coworkers, so I guess any “planning” type is probably out for old me 

That’s the most Rapid Fire Bird thing I ever heard. You made a plan. The PowerPoint and the speech exist. You’re just adapting them on the fly, based on previously-existing knowledge. I’m starting to think that you’re one of those Bird secondaries who is SUCH a loud Bird secondary, that it can be hard to get your head the idea that your skills are skills, and not sort of neutral abilities that everyone has. 

my latent distaste towards being a Snake secondary is my burny oppressive bullshit against anything that’s not “stalwart honesty and consistency” that I’ve been imposing on myself for years.

which I really wish you didn’t feel like you had to. 

Because I do love winging it and just saying whatever’s the most situationally appropriate thing regardless of how much it reflects me and I’ve just been treating any kind of play acting like a recovering alcoholic treats drink so I no longer even remember how it feels anymore lol.

I hope you find a way to play with your Actor Bird, at some point. One more little thing before I sign off though - thinking of actions as “situationally appropriate” is a very Actor Bird secondary thing to do. Snakes don’t go that big. Snakes think - what response do I want from this person, in this moment, and how do I get it? They also constantly reset. Snake secondaries have this “seducer” reputation because they generally are better one-on-one, or in small groups. Even Snake secondary actors will talk about the way they perceive the whole audience as one “person” … it’s all very interesting, but a very different way of approaching the world than the way you do.

[shotanzz]

What would Riize's reaction if their partner chetaed on them, i live for chaos 🔥

FUCK ! LMFAOOO ok so (these are just headcanons barely based on their charts)

Shotaro

hm well he’d probably pick up on the fact that something was wrong and would be passively throwing jabs at them to hint that he knows something’s up. he’d investigate to find out allll of the details and information of what happened like he’d find out EVERYTHING. would confront them and will say some pretty cutting things like HURTFUL. the betrayal would make him lose feelings probs they might be..literally dead to him after that I won’t lie

Eunseok

he’d feel annoyed. extremely annoyed. because he feels like he wasted his time on them. he’d probably deadpan stare and just cut things off no matter how much it upsets/irritates him. he’d force himself to suck it up even tho he’d be literally pissed and will probably think “this is exactly why I give nobody a chance” and will try his best to move on to the next because in his mind life must go on

Sungchan

mad as hell to be very real. in public he’d have a “I don’t need a bitch, I’m what a bitch need” type of attitude but privately by himself he’s very angry and hurt and will even start to question and doubt his self worth, would ask himself if it was because he wasn’t good enough, would it not have happened if he did different things better ? he’d release the anger at the gym save all the emotional turmoil for when he’s alone in his room and he’ll never forget what they did and definitely tries to pop out with a new s/o that’s 3x hotter

Wonbin

he’d be filled with disgust honestly. his image of them in his mind and heart would be shattered and they’d no longer be of any sentiment within his heart. breakup through text probably because looking them in the face would upset him even more. it will take him a while to get past this completely, his sad playlist will be on for a WHILE. he’ll try to get past it but it will linger within him for a while would nap his way through the pain

he might get his payback I won’t lie

Seunghan

Not only is his heart broke but his ego as well. He’d have a permanent bitter taste in his mouth even thinking about them. He probably wouldn’t even want to talk about it or confront, will let you know he knows and disappears. once he feels kinda ok again he’d tell everyone about what happened so they’re in the know and can get it OUTTT of his system. will spend the first half staying to himself avoiding the outside world feeling his pain and then uses fun activities to kill pain the next half

Sohee

breaks up with them blunt as fuck says whatever he needs to say to them so he can go on with his business. he’d be upset 100% but in his mind “I can’t go out sad like this” says his piece, and dips. he’d try to stay on the positive side and be like “well at least I can talk to whoever I want now” or would think of what good could come from cutting the person off like more time to work, more time to be selfish, more time to have fun. will def talk shit and then similar to Eunseok try to move on and have fun + meet new people

Anton

it would take everything in him to avoid cursing them out through the phone. 😭😭 all of his softness will melt away and he’ll be able to become cold and even cruel. If they had anything of his that he gave to them he’d want/get that stuff back immediately and would give back anything they gave him. translates alll the upset emotions he feels into his music, swimming and other hobbies he has. allows himself to be pissed off and mad before finally reaching his zen (a shopping spree buying everything his now ex can’t!)

[starryjkoo]

some random chronically online fandom and shipping thoughts #1

I just feel like ARMYs who are very obviously Y/N’s have NO reason to be judging shippers. I think it’s funny how some of them are so genuinely defensive and put off by shipping in a way I can tell is personal lol (it’s giving jealousy!). I totally understand people not liking shipping/shippers but I’ll never accept judgement from a Y/N, sorry! If you’re posting about only ONE member in a really thirsty manner after every AYS trailer and then turning around and saying “ugh, jkkrs are so annoying and delusional, jikook are brothers!” I know what you are! 🫵

slurping up all these AYS teasers like a starving animal but I’m starting to feel like they’re showing us too much now 😩 don’t spoil all the cute parts please BH!

only extremely sad and chronically online losers think that mass liking hate tweets actually means anything in the real world. a lot of these people need to get a life and go touch grass because the obsession with jm is truly weird and sad.

not everyone who wants th to appear in AYS is a tkkr, because it’s normal for ARMYs to want to see as many members as possible, but it’s kind of obvious with the ones who bring it up every chance they get lol, or the first thing they look for in a new AYS teaser, or just the specific way they talk about it. and my god are there a lot of tkkr ARMYs

I’m self aware that I’m pretty heavily biased, but there’s nothing worse than the ARMYs who hide under the OT7 visage but are CLEARLY heavily biased themselves. I simply do not like hypocrites, maybe some of them are in denial about it, idk. ofc there’s nothing worse than the ones who cosplay and try to create havoc in ARMY spaces, but that’s an entirely different thing. with that said, i’m convinced that at least 90% of active ARMYs are heavily biased at this point and we’d all be better off if they could simply just admit it.

perhaps this is my own bias so feel free to disagree, but imo ARMYs very clearly have a different sort of energy for jm antis and I think its partially because his hate has been so damn normalized in this fandom after years of tkkrs, but also because clearly a vast majority of the ARMY sh*oter accounts are diet solos and tkkrs and they always put an extra amount of scrutiny on things related to jm. they're also the first to bring shipper/solo drama into ARMY spaces (but only when it impacts their ship/bias) and they’re very clearly obviously lurking in solo/shipper territory to find it the way they do. the silence right now from certain accounts really does speak volumes.

sort of related, but the best way to gain a big following on ARMY twt is to get involved in whatever current drama is going on, for example MHJ drama, boycott drama, general fanwars. ARMYs will flock and mass follow these accounts, and a lot of them are diets who gain a platform and then spread their diet narratives later. one really good example is that elo person if anyone remembers all that, they literally were moots w/ tkk akgaes & calling them bestie but rebranded after they started gaining a mass following for “doxxing” and they started gaining attention because they were “debunking” the OG taennie icloud leaks (lol ofc they were a tkkr doing that). anyways they were awful and did a lot of harm, but they got that platform bc a lot of ARMYs flock to toxic accounts like that, especially when somethings going on, and then they’re impossible to cancel.

last shipping thought but we all know why tkkrs and y/n’s are jealous and weird towards jkk but sometimes its actually the same case for a lot of the other bts shippers, especially jk x hl shippers (like what's w/ all the j*nkookers lol) & yoonm*n. and there’s a lot of ARMYs who fall into this category actually. even if they don’t believe their ship is real, sometimes they still feel a bit passive aggressive/jealous bc they would prefer whatever content was with their bias/self-insert instead. theres so many jkk moments that have been really badly OT7’d, like I’ve never seen anything like the way almost the entire fandom rewrote history to make that jk binging jm content jk binging bts content (its legit wild to me).

and ill never forget during the disney docu when someone pointed out how jk likely knew jms apartment password and it got ratio’d at over 4k by someone saying “he probably knows all his hyungs passwords!” and it wasn’t even funny or clever lmao, it was very much giving

anyways, i believe this is one of the reasons sometimes ARMYs at large are weird towards jkk bc even outside of just tkkrs there are a LOT of HL shippers who take it pretty personally, especially if they’re the sort that projects onto one of the members in their ship. tbh, even if it’s not shipping, it’s a bias line thing where they want to fight over jm/jk being closer to their bias than they are to each other.

its whatever and just a petty complaint lol, i dont care who ppl ship/bias but i do find it annoying sometimes bc there are always ppl constantly downplaying jkks friendship and picking it apart and trying to OT7-ify it more than any other duo. its like ppl are really obsessed & its tiring. just give jkk their flowers sometimes and move on, you know? you definitely do not need to ship them or see them as romantic, but just respect their bond and the things about it that are unique to them, god

alright was just getting this out of my system because I was focused on positive vibes only for MUSE, will be going back to (mostly) positive vibes for AYS!

[bigbarabelly]

Cotl doodles!

Still figuring out their flow and designs but I love my big eldritch leaning mess of a lamb Jacob and his stupid pet cat.

He’s a bit ham fisted but loves his cult and does his best to provide and protect them. Narinder is of course an asshole but comes to being peacefully passive and quietly contemplative after a time of dealing with Jacob’s struggles with controlling his godhood. Jacob does ok until he needs sheared and if his bangs are too short to cover his eyes he gets very fucking uncomfortable. Part hiding the insecurity of his mutilated multi ichor eyes, but the blinding wool also helps filter out what’s his real current life and what’s memories bleeding through his sight from past lives. He uses his link to the crown to see through it as his third eye as the final filter to ground himself. Post shear he’s usually self isolated for a week or two until he can control it again or maybe magically force grow just enough fringe to cover his eyes again. Narinder’s self pity anger bullshit subsides pretty fast when the cult is in chaos and his little grinch heart starts warming up slowly forced to live amongst his previous followers and see why they are so loyal to Jacob in the first place. It was never for him and he starts finally accepting his new role as a fallen god. Reconnecting with the earth around him he came from and supports Jacob through his fits. Delegates tasks and personally supes his sweat and patches up his self inflicted wounds.

And cause I’m mpreg at heart they eventually have a shitten or a keep? Lmao a shat they shit I’ve dubbed Roo for now because he kind of looks like a kangaroowhen sheared short being their bouncy sweet boy lmao.

[painted-bees]

I’m interested in Blood, Lipstick, and Strawberry for everyone! (Especially strawberry after Tess enters their lives)

Raf has no strong feelings either way. He knows he has a nice face and a charismatic personality to go with it. he has a bit of a complicated relationship with all that, but it doesn't occupy a lot of space in his brain--not in any direct manner. He does have a skincare routine that, from Margie's perspective, mostly just looks like part of his shaving routine. But he washes and moisturizes his face in the morning and before bed [and retinol], exfoliates a couple times a week during his showers, and is very particular about his razors, shaving cream, and aftershave products. Raf... really loves maintaining his well established rituals, and skincare is definitely one of them. It gives him a sense of control over his life.

Margie does....uh...none of this. Margie is lucky if she remembers to shower without having to be reminded. She thinks her face is too squat, that her forehead is too high, and that her lips and eyebrows are too thin...also that her eyes are too wide. She gets nervous over her perception that she looks wide-eyed and manic in photos, with her big, broad smile. She used to wear a lot thick, gothy eyeliner and lotsa lip balm on highschool--and then stopped applying makeup completely for years. Nowadays, she'll apply--no--Raf'll appy make-up for live shows and such...and sometimes she'll wear light makeup if she's feeling fancy on a sunny day...but by and large, she's pretty negligent haha

Cortes doesn't have to apply make-up! She can make her face look as dolled up or plain as she wants without external cosmetic supplies..! Also, she's ver content and pleased with her crafted appearance--even if it is kinda a half-assed construction. It does its job!

Raf and Margie are both kinda squeamish, but Raf is a lot more stoic about it. Neither of them are happy to see blood, neither of them want to look at that kind of thing.

I guess the worst either of them have had to deal with in this regard was when Margie sliced herself up real bad on an oyster bed and turned her hands and knees into ground beef for a while. Even after she received her stitches, she couldn't stand to look at them for long. Raf wasn't very comfy with it either, but someone had to keep them clean and dry and well cared for, and Margie couldn't use her hands for much of it--and so he took care of them for her. Squeamishness took the backseat to his desire to make sure she was healthy, clean, and healing up well.

Tess isn't squeamish at all. It's all just meat, and meat is delicious tbh. Nothing gross about any of that.

Margie and Raf are both kind of...Animist lite? agnostic, I suppose, is a good term for it. They understand that there are things beyond their understanding and things there are no answers for, and their spirituality sits in that space unique to each of them. They both perform superstitious rituals of respect to entities they're not fully sure exist in a capacity to appreciate it, and they don't do so consciously most of the time. Raf is more prone to these kinds of things than Margie, though. Margie, at most, will host very one-sided conversations with the wind that shut her bedroom door or such. Raf is prone to leave food and other small offerings out for things...incase those things are hungry. For no reason other than a sneaking suspicion that there is something present who might appreciate the guesture. An impulse on a hunch that he doesn't even really question.

Margie thinks it's very sweet.

Margie has a passive curiosity for things like tarot cards and astrology, but nothing very serious. She'll happily take any manner of good news from these sources, though.

Neither of them were raised by very religious parents. Raf, even less so than Margie. But Raf has had exposure to a lot of other cultural superstitions and such that Margie hadn't been exposed to, and this is perhaps why he takes it just a shade more seriously than she does.

Cortes is acutely aware of what exists and what doesn't. She has never encouraged or deterred the other two from their spiritually motivated mannerisms [or lack thereof].

♡♡♡ yisss thank you for sending these ones!! Q vQ!!!

[comparativetarot]

The Lovers. Art by Nara Lesser, from Neurotic Owl’s Faerytale Tarot.

Gerda & the Little Robber Girl

Sooooo, the lovers.  This is one of the first cards I knew I had a plan for – this one, the Devil, the Emperor, and Death.  I am in no way the first to read a bitchload of queer subtext into this chapter of The Snow Queen; I’m probably not the hundredth.  It basically screams off the page.  If you’re not familiar with Hans Christian Andersen’s original story, you can read it here.  And because chatting about it with a friend reminded me that the Toast once used this same couple for Femslash Friday, you should totally go read that one here, it’s hilarious.

But so essentially, my lovers card is about rising above yourself and sacrificing for the one you love, and the balance between two opposing personalities who both need some of what the other has, and also just a teensy muff joke, how could I resist?  When we first meet the little robber girl she’s this wild, terrifying little Tazmanian devil, jumping her (terrible) mother an biting her to protect Gerda, promising Gerda that if anyone kills her it’ll be herself, terrorizing her ‘pets’, sleeping with knives.  She’s . . . not a great romantic prospect.  But the thing is, it’s all surface level swagger and overcompensation for the fact that she is clearly a sweet soft girl underneath.  She’s bold and brash and wild, and she balances out Gerda, who’s been somewhat passive through this whole adventure and really needs a little of what the robber girl has.  She’s also clearly had a TERRIBLE home life.  The story sort of sweeps over it, but we have descriptions of her mother ‘filliping her nose till it’s red and blue’, and her eventual plans for Gerda’s escape depends on her knowing that her mother will drink herself into a stupor by midday EVERY FUCKING DAY.  She makes it sound like she’s the scary one when she sleeps with her knife, but why exactly has a child learned that that’s necessary?  She’s had an absolutely tragic life so far, and yeah, she’s lashing out at the poor animals, but that also seems to stay at empty threats.  IT’S NOT GREAT and she seems primed to repeat the treatment she’s grown up with, but there’s more in her than that.  She has a wellspring of love inside her that saves Gerda.  She gives her back her fur boots; she steals her mother’s big mittens in exchange for her pretty muff (teehee) to keep Gerda’s hands warm, she gives her her reindeer and sends her off on her quest with no real expectation that her own situation will improve at all or that she’ll ever see Gerda again.

And happily we do see her again briefly at the end, riding out looking far more prosperous and happy, off to adventure herself, and if Gerda had half of the robber girl’s bravery she’d ditch Kay and go adventuring with her.  But boo, whatever, obviously that’s not the ending Andersen was going to write.

Gerda and the Robber Girl map so nicely for me with another famously queer-inflected female friendship, Anne Shirley and Diana Barry.  They have a similar dynamic – the one who’s grown up outside society is able to declare her passion loudly and intensely; the one from the safe middle-class home is less sure but clearly wants to go where her love leads.

[winterillustrates]

My Prefect x Jade type post

Are they a couple?

Ofc.

A COUPLE OF SADISTS WHO ARE BESTIES.

Yep, these two love testing each other's intelligence. Their love language is beautifully hidden insults or well executed pranks and they love it.

These two aren't even seen as rivals by most. They interact a lot and to outsiders, they're just laughing and having fun. But they know each other. They know what they are capable of. Prefect can easily see through him and Jade can easily predict her pranks, making them the only other person they feel obliged to compete against.

It's not even rivalry, because they aren't competing against anything either side can even pinpoint. It's a spur of the moment 'fight' that lasts for only a few minutes. Ask either of them why they 'fight' and they'd say their variation of "He/She's interesting."

They don’t have to sit down to explain why they are angry to the other, they just both know and give them the space they need to cool down/plan murder with them.

Jade sees Prefect as an intelligent evil mastermind, which…doesn’t match up with how everyone else sees her.

“I was once in a chess mind with this brilliant mastermind who had kinged me in 2 moves, so I’m working on improving myself to atleast make the game more interesting.” —Jade

“Oh? Who was it? Some old guy from the Coral Sea?” —Leona

“No. It was our dear Ramshackle Prefect, of course.” -Jade

Leona, pointing at Prefect who is watching ladybugs procreate, “HER?!”

Jade also likes how unpredictable Prefect’s life gets. Prefect gets dragged around a lot or just floats around as a ghost, so she has quite a few tales to tell to Jade while they’re in the mountains.

Heck, Prefect can even go to Noble Bell College since Rollo is the only one who knows her ACTUAL name. Sometimes she sneaks off with Chenya to RSA, too.

Prefect likes people who can keep her on her toes, which is why she likes Jade. Jamil is too pretty for her to function, Floyd lacks no grace in her eyes, Azul walks on eggshells around her, Ace is just annoying and Leona and Idia don’t put in all of his potential in a lot of things she does.

It’s not a ship, but no one would be surprised if they saw them making out.

Angst:

If Prefect left w/o telling Jade, but she practically hugged all the first years goodbye (something about her not seeing herself as important to the others), Jade would take that most to heart.

He’d deny it, at first, but Azul notices his passive-aggressive attitude has become more prominent and Floyd notices how his partner in crime is just sitting there…being boring.

They’d tell him to snap out of it, and Jade would just revert back to normal, mainly because he doesn’t want to wear his heart on his sleeve.

But something about seeing the first years mourn, just makes him snap. Why should they get to openly miss her? She obviously valued them more than anyone else. For Sevens’ sake, she fricking hugged them goodbye.

Jade reverts back to normal for everyone, and he can’t help but think that Prefect would’ve pointed out his acting from a mile away.

Sometimes, he dreams of her punching his arm and calling him a bad actor.

But, time goes on. Jade finds other things that keep his interest. Other things that can replace the impact she had on him.

Then, right when he thinks he can finally forget her, she reappears, like she always did when she was a ghost. Except this time she was real, she was tangible and Floyd could probably finally squeeze her.

Excited, he tries to approach her, but she claims to not know him. She claims to not be the ‘Prefect’ he is looking for. She even has the audacity to make up a fake name and life.

She has the audacity to laugh off the interaction with those strangers she walks with, not knowing that Jade has seen through her most crafted lies, so he won’t be easily swayed by this one.

The first years might have been easily fooled. Azul, Floyd, Leona, Ortho, Lilia, Rook, Jamil and, heck, even Grim and Malleus can be fooled.

But he won’t.

He won’t lose her, again. No matter how much she denies it, she’ll always be ‘Prefect’.

(Not me loving the ambiguously romantic/platonic relationship that I have meticulously planned. The little angst at the bottom is up for interpretation, honestly. I thought my Prefect’s relationship with Jade needed a whole post so here we are.)