#look I am trying to do the good therapy stuff and the homework she gave

[huewrite]

Hey OP @magentasnail, my therapist said I need to make an emotion chart and everyone in my house is ND (Husband ADHD, Child Diag Autism, Me diag Dyslexia and self diag autism) .... Can I use this for that please?

served my duty as an autistic artist and made a bunch of autism creature reaction images

[ichilemonwritruoo]

Hikari Twins Sickfic

Disclaimer: I am emetophobic and part of my therapy to help me heal is writing about throwing up and what I believe is the proper response to help me get out of my head. That type of illness is the focus of this story, its not in depth but it does happens so please be mindful. Scene begins under the cut. Thanks <3

"How are you feeling Nii-San?" Netto asked as he sat down on the bed.

"I'm okay." Saito yawned. "I'm a little tired."

"Take a nap! It might make you feel better." Netto settled onto the pillow beside his twin.

"Okay." Saito nodded and eventually laid down as well, resting his head on Netto's shoulder.

The older twin had a small procedure for his chest and was doing well, just in the recovery phase.

Saito stared at the ceiling for awhile before eventually being lured to sleep by the sound of his twin's soft breathing.

It was an extended amount of time before Saito finally woke up. He didn’t know why he had woken up, and was slightly frustrated with his sudden awakening, but yawned as he sat up.

"Oh you're awake Nii-San!" Netto said.

Saito glanced and noticed Netto was across the room at the PC (hopefully working on homework).

Saito simply nodded. He didn’t feel right. His throat was warm and his mouth was watering.

"You okay Nii-San?"

"Um...I don't feel good." Saito looked down.

Netto's expression softened. He was hoping the nap would have helped because Saito had mostly been miserable. "What's wrong?"

"Got a weird feeling."

"Like what?" Netto asked. His brother hadn't been human for very long so he was still adjusting to everything in his new body.

"Like its-" And that was unfortunately all Saito could get out before he suddenly threw up.

Netto was immediately by his side, rubbing small circles on his back and holding his hair out the way. He now understood what Saito was trying to tell him.

It seemed to last forever and Saito was frustrated as he had been sitting in the bed. Now there was more stuff to clean.

"Easy Nii-San. It's okay." Netto said softly.

Saito shook his head as he choked back a sob. This sucked!

"Mom! Nii-San's sick!" Netto called as he moved to help Saito lean forward.

"I'm coming dear!" Haruka called back as her footsteps begin to travel up the stairs. It was shortly a minute later when she arrived at the twin's room.

"Oh sweetie." Haruka said as she joined them.

"I'm s-sorry." Saito whispered.

"No apologies." Haruka shushed him. "Netto, let's move Saito-San into the bathroom, I'll take care of the bed okay?"

"Okay!" Netto nodded as Haruka helped Saito out of the bed.

Netto picked his twin up to carry him to the bathroom.

Haruka followed after them with a fresh set of pajamas and water. "Call me if you need me."

Netto and Saito nodded as Haruka left to start cleanning. Netto helped Saito out of his clothes and after a quick shower, helped him into new pajamas.

"Feeling any better Nii-San?"

"No." Saito said hoarsely. Now his throat was hurting too. "I just gave you and mom more work. I'm horrible." The older twin pressed his face into his hands.

"Stop Nii-San. That's not true. You're sick and recovering from surgery. Not only that you're still getting used to having a human body. Things like this happen."

"But your bed-"

"It's fine, worse things have happened to it!" Netto laughed.

"So stop worrying okay?"

"O-Okay." Saito said finally as he nodded. "Thank you Netto-Kun."

"Of course." Netto smiled. "Come on, you need to brush your teeth too."

When the twins came back the bed was made once more and everything was clean and pretty looking (the Haruka touch).

"Back to bed for you dear." Haruka ushered her oldest back into the bed.

As much as Saito wanted to protest he did as was told.

After getting situated, Haruka kissed them both on the head. "You know to call me if you need anything."

They both nodded and with that she left. Saito laid back down and Netto sat up beside him to keep him company.

Their mother had left a basin just in case Saito wasn't feeling well again. Which in the end, Saito was very grateful for as his stomach decided it was not done with him.

Netto was of course ever by his side holding him steady as he clutched the basin tight, hoping and praying the worst would be over soon because the gagging made his chest hurt worse.

"Why...why do...do you stay?" Saito asked quietly as he inhaled as he coughed once more. "Isn't...it gross?"

"I stay because you need me." Netto said instantly as he continued rubbing circles on Saito's back. "How could I leave you when you need me the most? Also you can and would do the same for me. How many times have you stayed by my side whether you were in the PET or not, doing whatever you could to make me feel better when I was stuck in bed? That's what you do when you care about someone."

Saito felt his eyes watering and that he wanted to cry.

"If you're done I can go get Mom."

Saito nodded and Netto called for their mother. Haruka came within a minute's notice, told the twin's she was proud of them, and left to clean the basin out.

Saito mindlessly thought about how his mother was a hero for how she wordlessly took care of them and never complained. She was too nice and deserved the world. When she came back she checked Saito for a fever which he thankfully didn't have.

"No fever which is good. Let me get you a ginger ale and crackers." She handed Saito a towel to clean his face with.

Saito nodded but he felt very tired and laid back down as soon as she left the room. The good thing about being twins was that he didn't have to ask Netto if he could use him as pillow or if they could cuddle. Netto already knew.

And so Saito cuddled up into Netto's side using his twin's stomach as a pillow.

"Comfortable?" Netto asked softly as he put his arm around his older twin.

"Yeah...back hurts." Saito replied tiredly.

"Unfortunately not surprised though." Netto took a pillow and placed it behind Saito. "Try to get some rest if you can. I'll be here."

"M'kay. Thanks Netto...you're the best."

Netto smiled. "Anytime Nii-San. Love you."

"Love you too." And when Haruka came back Saito was thankfully fast asleep.

The oldest twin slept through the whole night easily and the next morning woke up feeling a bit better just empty and exhausted.

"How's my dears doing?" Haruka asked the next morning. Netto hadn't come to get her since the evening so she hoped everything had been alright.

"Better." Saito said hoarsely. "Just weak. And head hurts."

"I'm glad your stomach is better sweetie. Now we just gotta finish letting your chest recover."

Netto was snoring and fast asleep beside Saito. He deserved all the rest he wanted, Saito thought as he squeezed his twin's hand.

"How about a really light breakfast? With some gatorade?"

Saito nodded. His stomach growled now that it had stopped being a jerk. "Yes please."

"I'll get right to it. You guys stay put."

"Can you make Netto hot chocolate?"

"Sure thing. I'm sure he'd love that." Haruka smiled gently.

"I can't make it myself but I just want to thank him even in a small way." Saito smiled a bit. "He rarely gets to have that so."

"Of course. Anything else?"

"No ma'am thank you."

"That's what Momma's are for Saito." Haruka kissed his head once more and left to start breakfast.

Saito sat up in bed and watched a little tv on the laptop making sure to be quiet so Netto could stay sleeping. "I love you Netto. A lot. You mean the world to me."

"Love you...too...Nii-San..." Netto slurred in his sleep but smiled.

[minkdenmilo]

Alright so I’ve seen people want more female content creators, more POC content creators, more LGBT content creators within the Dream SMP and YES- I want that too- but... we should take a moment to hype up the content creators who already fit these categories!

Here is my list of the POC, LGBT, and women content creators who are regularly active on the Dream SMP and my personal takes on them and their content! So please give these content creators some love and more attention because they all deserve it so much!!!

Women Content Creators

+ Nihachu

- If you like sweet, adorable, more laid back streams than you’ll love Nihachu. Able to play around with both more playful funny moments and then be a great dramatic actor for deep lore moments as well.

+ Captain Puffy

- So wholesome and the only stable adult on the Dream SMP. She is SO funny- like her roasting Skeppy and Badboyhalo is the highlight of my day. A very fun energy and can also jump between lore and jokes like no one’s business. If you like Ranboo then I’m sure you’ll love her.

+ Hannah Rose

- I’ve only just started watching her but her streams so far have been so relaxed. She’s the perfect mixture of sweet as sugar but also sassy and able to hold her own. She gave Tommy a rose then jokingly roasted him over his constant demanding over it. Also her builds are so aesthetic and her stream set-up is gorgeous to look at.

LGBT Content Creators

+ Eret

- All of their streams are chill as fuck, literal vibes. He has the best music tastes ever and has public Spotify playlists if you ever want to hear more of her tastes. Very open about being LGBT and the chat for them is continually one of the nicest I have seen and very supportive to those coming out. Eret is a great streamer to watch when doing homework or classwork because you can watch him vibe without being too distracted unlike Tommy or Quackity’s streams.

+ Nihachu

- Please just... Nihachu in lore is so overlooked but you can clearly see the hell she’s gone through as a character and seeing her go from a starry eyed running mate of Fundy’s to a women determined to destroy Tommy and Dream for the pain they’ve caused her and her former nation... it’s so good. Also her and Jack Manifold have the best Team Rocket dynamic of all time.

+ Captain Puffy

- Captain Puffy in plot as a sweet older sister figure to all the disturbed minors is iconic and her therapy office is so cute. She is the mom friend to Awesamdude’s dad friend energy and she is equally as commited to taking down the egg so watching her continually try to avoid the Egg and help those she cares about is the best.

+ Antfrost

- Go check out Antfrost’s twitter first and formost because he and his boyfriend (Velvetiscake) pop off with every tweet. Secondly, Antfrost is generally a chaotic presence but in a much more lowkey way than most other SMP members. As a character his motivations are pretty hidden right now but him and Badboyhalo are a great villian duo. Antfrost also regularly streams Pummel Party stuff and Jackbox stuff with his other friends (and his boyfriend) which keep me in stitches. Stg if he and Velvet flirt like that on their Jackbox streams one more time I will lose it 😤 (/lh)

POC Content Creators

+ Skeppy

- He doesn’t stream often but every time he does he pops off. Also, not super involved in lore but whenever he joins he pops off. Him and Badboyhalo’s dynamic is iconic and just- so fucking funny! But also Skeppy does Youtube videos on his Youtube channel which are usually rather short but honestly so funny. He mainly trolls Badboyhalo or does like Minecraft challenge videos and as simple as that may seem he always makes me smile with his high energy and general chaotic nature while still being pretty family friendly and relaxed. Very good if you mainly watch Youtube or don’t have time for long VODs and streams.

+ Ponk

- I have only just found out about him but he is SO wonderful. His voice firstly is oddly soothing so that’s a plus but he streams frequently! And he usually streams at an earlier time than most other SMP people (aka not late at night like Quackity and shit) and he genuinely is so funny. He talks to his chat a bit more than the bigger streamers and goes between a casual, chill vibe and a specific kind of chaos that reminds me of like- when Ranboo is hyper. Please I can’t express how much I love Ponk please just watch his streams. Also Ponk in the Egg Plot makes me cry with laughter- mans is so picky “Can I have an iced mocha please?” like sir you are literally being trapped with an evil egg.

+ Quackity

- Quackity is an icon. Stream his song “Any Askers” on Soundcloud. Watch any of his Roblox, GTA, or Soap Opera streams. He shouts a lot and is high energy so he’s perfect if that’s your vibe. He sings like an autotuned angel, is so sweet about donations and gifted subs, and has amazing chemistry with everyone he streams with. Within the lore he is also an amazing actor with a really complex character and I am so glad he is getting his time to shine with his capitalist arc. Though he does tend to stream later at night.

If I forgot any Dream SMP members please let me know and in general just leave recommendations for good LGBT, POC, and women streamers if you can! Feel free to reblog because I love all of these content creators and I want people to hype them up 🥺

[labyrinthof-fan-fiction]

Fever {3}

Series Masterlist

A/N: So for my purposes, I’ve decided to age Jake up to 18. It works better for me, rather than the younger by two years. I am not a licensed therapist, so take that portrayal with a grain of salt. This is a Renèe slander account. I also hated the bikes, or at least her reasoning for the bikes, so I removed the bikes. So basically please just accept that this fic is 99.9% OOC.

Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Abandonment, Therapy Session

Summary: Bella’s first therapy session, family dinner at the Black’s.

Rating: M

Word Count: 2,905

Monday came faster than I had expected. School was better, Jessica and I made plans to get through Calculus tomorrow after school, not without her making a welcome back from zombieland comment, which I couldn’t blame her for. Dad picked me up in the cruiser for the appointment with Dr. Gilbert. The drive to Port Angeles was a silent hour, I pondered what I was going to say to this therapist. Obviously, my ex-boyfriend was a vampire and I almost died due to an unhinged vampire hunting me and luring me into an old dance studio wasn’t the best opening line. I almost died on my eighteenth birthday due to a paper cut, maybe I should just stick away from the near death experiences. Mentioning vampires would probably award me a decent vacation and a straight jacket.

Dad checked me in at the office and we sat awkwardly in the waiting room. He picked up a fishing magazine and I picked at my nails. I was torn from contemplating my nail beds when the secretary called my name. I followed her into a room with a large couch, a woman sat in a chair across from it.

“Hello Bella, I’m Dr. Gilbert.” She was tall, her dark hair was tucked up into a bun. Black glasses were perched on her nose. She had a nice smile, kind, welcoming.

“Hi.” I mumbled as she gestured for me to sit on the couch.

“Tell me about yourself, Bella.” Dr. Gilbert stated, clipboard balanced on her lap, a pen in her hand.

“I don’t know, there’s not much to tell.” I murmured, crossing my legs under me on the couch. I pulled my sweater around my body, I was cold again. I probably could have started with my childhood, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you start therapy. Tell them all about your childhood, blame it on your mom…. Which, maybe wasn’t too far off.

She pursed her lips and nodded. “I see you’re a senior, what are your plans after you graduate this year?”

I nibbled on my bottom lip, “To be honest, I’m not sure. I had a plan, but that’s changed. I think maybe college, or a gap year to save. I think I want to go to college.”

She nodded and scribbled on her paper. “What do you think you’d like to do?”

I chuckled, “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay to not have a plan, Bella.”

“I know, but everyone around me has a plan, colleges they’ve been accepted to. And I’m just…..” I gestured vaguely into the air.

Dr. Gilbert chuckled, “Sometimes those with the plans aren’t as put together as they seem. When I was your age, I was going to be a professional cellist. Got into Juliard and was ready. I got there, and realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I still play the cello, I’m a part of the local orchestra, but I’m not doing what I had planned. You have time. Tell me about your friends.”

I hesitated. “I have a few, we haven’t hung out as much, I…” I trailed off, not sure how to explain that I had been an emotionless blob for months and wasn’t sure where I stood with my friends.

She hummed, “They’ve been too busy?”

I chuckled, “They’ve been busy, I’ve been dealing with some stuff.”

“Care to elaborate?” She raised one of her sculpted eyebrows.

I sighed and pulled my knees to my chin and wrapped my arms around my legs. “My boyfriend broke up with me.”

“Tell me about him.” She stated.

“He would come through my window and watch me sleep.” I murmured. “He oiled the latch so it wouldn’t wake me. God, I thought it was romantic, he could have killed me. He could have done anything he wanted. And I would have let him. I let him control me.” The scratching of a pen on paper filled the moment I took a breath. “I thought that love meant he was allowed to control me, but that’s not love, is it?”

Dr. Gilbert looked at me. “I think you know the answer.” She paused, pursing her lips.

I nibbled on my bottom lip. “Why didn’t I know?”

She glanced at me. “He was your first boyfriend, right?” I nodded. “First loves are intense.” Her eyes wandered away from me. “You’re allowed to have strong feelings after something like this.”

“Is it normal to feel like you’re stuck in a void, just lost to the pain?” I asked, before I could stop myself.

Dr. Gilbert eyed me carefully. “There are several stages to grief, it sounds like you have begun the depression stage. But the stages aren’t always a linear progression, you can shift between them and go back and forth.” She was jotting things down on her paper. “How long have you felt lost to the pain?”

“A few months, five maybe?” I said quietly.

“That’s a long time to feel that way.” She glanced at her watch. “Do you feel that way now?”

I shook my head. “I feel like I just got out of the middle of it and I’ve started to come back to the real world.”

She nodded. “I want to you pay attention to what you do this week, if anything sets you back to this. That way we can find out what triggers this.” She sighed, “Unfortunately, that is time up, I’d like to see you next week at the same time, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that should work, I can check with my dad.” I said.

“It was nice to meet you, Bella.” She said, standing. I stood up and shook her outstretched hand.

“So how was it?” Dad asked as he started the cruiser.

“Good, I like her.” I answered, giving him a small smile. He glanced over to me, a curious look on his face, I tilted my head. “I think this is going to help.”

“Good.” He paused before pulling out of the parking lot. “Billy invited us over for dinner on Friday.”

My head snapped to him. “Billy?” The last time Billy Black had interacted with me, he had warned me away from Edward, hindsight, he was right. He had bribed Jacob to come to prom and warn me off the Cullens.

“Yeah, says he misses me.” Dad chuckled. “I think it’s a ploy to get me to go fishing again.”

I let out a small laugh. “Will Jacob be there?”

Dad raised his eyebrow. “Probably, why do you want to know?”

I shrugged, “Haven’t seen him since I bought the truck, thought he might be able to help with the radio.” That sentence did not sound as nonchalant as I had been hoping.

A twinkle was in Dad’s eye. “I think he could help with…your radio.”

I groaned and hid my head in my arms. “Dad…” I whined.

Dad let out a loud laugh, “Sorry.” He most definitely was not.

The next day at school was uneventful, that was until after school tutoring with Jessica. She flopped into the chair next to me, a scowl on her face.

“Hey, Jess.” I greeted.

“Hi, sorry. Fucking Mike.” She grumbled, apparently in my zombie state I had missed the constant on and off again relationship she and Mike had been navigating. According to Angela, I hadn’t missed much, all you could do was watch like a weekly soap opera. “So, let’s get to this.”

Jess was extremely patient, considering how many questions I asked, about concepts that we probably learned at the beginning of the year. By the time our hour was up, I felt like I could muddle through the homework, rather than just stare and hope the pages filled themselves. “Thanks, Jess. I really appreciate your help.”

She smiled, “No problem, just don’t slip off into Zombie Bella, she’s not cool. Same time next week?”

“If you can.” I answered.

“See you tomorrow and Tuesdays for calculus.” She paused before she left. “And, if you ever need to talk about it. Ange and I are here. She doesn’t have much experience with this end of things, but she’s a good listener.”

“Thanks, maybe sometime.” She gave me a knowing look before giving me a quick wave and leaving. The rest of the week I settled back in with the group who had been my first friends when I stated in at Forks High. Sure, Lauren and I were never going to be best friends, but I had friends again. And these friends weren’t going to accidentally eat me.

Friday came and Dad let me drive the truck to La Push, he crawled into the passenger seat, eyes falling on the radio. His eyebrows almost hit his hairline, but he didn’t say anything about it. The drive was quiet, with the occasional direction or turn from Dad. I parked in front of the Black’s home, it was a small red home, it was familiar. I knew that I had spent time here when I was younger, but that was so long ago, the memories had faded. A dark head of hair popped up behind a window and the door to the house flew open.

“Bella!” Jacob called, he was taller than I last saw him, broader too. His black hair was loose around his face, his eyes bright with a huge smile beaming on his face. He was like sunshine personified.

Dad opened the door. “Yeah, Jake, good to see you too.” He muttered, walking into the house without even glancing back at us.

Jacob smiled as he got to my door. “Dad said Charlie had been saying something about your radio…” His eyes traveled to the beat up mess in my dashboard.

“I didn’t like the song…” I offered.

His eyes were wide as I stepped out. “Care to let me know the song, so I don’t play it by accident?”

“I don’t know, it was on a station that I don’t listen to anymore.” I replied, jumping down from the truck to the ground. I had to tilt my head back to look at him. “How did you get taller?”

“Maybe you shrunk.” He teased, nodding to the doorway. “We better get in there, before those two start planning our wedding.” At my shocked face he paused. “C’mon Bella, you can’t tell me that you didn’t know those two in there have been trying to find ways to get us together since the first summer you were here.”

I shook my head, “I hadn’t known.”

Jacob eyed my curiously, “Really? You never noticed how much Charlie brought you down here?”

I shook my head again, following him into the house. When we entered, both of our fathers were seated in the kitchen, eagerly watching the door. “Hey, Billy.” I greeted awkwardly.

A smile split his face. “It is great to see you again, Bella. You look well.” There was a glint in his eye as he looked at me, I knew there was more to that statement, the lack of a vampire boyfriend for one.

“I’m doing my best.” I shrugged, taking the seat to the right of Dad, leaving the only seat open for Jacob, directly across from me.

“So Jake, what do you think the damage on Bella’s radio is?” Dad asked, spooning food onto his plate.

Jacob’s eyes flicked over to me. “I’m thinking she’s going to need a new one Charlie.”

I sighed, “Or I could just go without music, not a big deal.”

Billy’s eyes were on me again. I felt like I was under a microscope. “The current music that is released is shit anyways, can’t blame you for losing it on the radio.”

I chuckled, dinner was, different. It felt so familiar, but I know the last time I had dinner at the Blacks, Jacob and I were at an age of single digits. It was odd, us being just a few months shy of the other. Last year, his seventeen had seemed so far from my seventeen, he still had his baby face. But now, he had just reached eighteen and he had changed. He was more angular, bigger, more muscle, and impossibly taller.

“Bella?” A voice interrupted me, I glanced over to see Jacob across from me, his head tilted. “Earth to Bells?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” I answered, “What did you need?”

“Just was asking if you wanted me to check out your radio? Maybe fully remove it from the dash?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

He smiled, “Let’s go, leave these two alone. We can deal with the aftermath later.”

I giggled, actually giggled, and followed him out of the house, trying to ignore the gleeful look in our fathers’ eyes. Jake stopped by my truck.

“I’m gonna have to rip that out, there’s no saving it. You really did a number on it.” He said, shaking his head at it. “That was a nice radio.”

I shuffled my feet. “Yeah, I kinda lost it.”

He remained silent, glancing back toward the house. “Want to pull this in the garage and I can get the remains out so we can put the radio to rest?”

“Sure.” I said, hopping into the truck. Jake started walking through the yard and I followed him. The garage was behind the house, small, but hidden by trees and shrubbery, I doubt you could see much of it from the house. Which, if what Jacob had said about our fathers was true, was probably a good thing. I pulled up next to it as he came out with a small toolbox. Jake hopped into the passenger seat of the truck, lifted the toolbox lid and took out an assortment of screwdrivers.

He started in on the radio, removing screws with sure fingers until it loosened and he ripped it out. An empty hole was left in my dash, seemed poetic. “That should do it, if you have another I can install it.”

“I’m not sure I really like music right now, need a little break from it.” I said.

Jake nodded. “So how’s she been treating you?”

A smile broke across my face. “Great, I love this old truck. She takes good care of me.”

“She’s a hunk of junk.” Jake retorted.

“She is my hunk of junk. Now be nice before I banish you.”

“You could try.” Jake challenged. I narrowed my eyes at him and bumped my shoulder against his. He fell against the door in mock injury before a fit of laughter overtook him.

“Don’t fuck with my truck.” I snapped, laughing.

He held his hands up in defeat. “Point taken, want to meet my baby?” I quirked an eyebrow in interest. “C’mon, not every day I get to introduce her to a pretty girl.”

I felt the blush beginning to crawl up my neck as he jumped out of my truck. I shook my head and followed after him into the garage. A red car was propped up on cinderblocks, I recognized the Volkswagen insignia on the hood.

“1986 Volkswagen Rabbit.” Jake said proudly. “Almost finished, needs a few tweaks, then she’ll be perfect.”

“How long have you been working on her?” I asked, taking a circle around the car.

“Couple years now, Dad just got me the final parts I needed last spring. All that’s really left is cosmetic.” Jacob smiled. “She’s my college car. Figure I can run her back and forth while I go up to Peninsula.”

“What are you thinking of studying?” I asked, genuinely curious.

The smile on his face seemed to grow impossibly brighter. “I’m looking into their history track. With that degree I want to work to preserve the history here.” He gestured vaguely. “There’s so much that has been lost that I’d like to preserve what I can for future generations. The Elders aren’t getting any younger.”

I took a moment to truly look at Jacob. He looked so determined, passionate, alive. I felt a pang in my chest. “That sounds amazing.”

He chuckled and looked down, not before I saw a blush in his cheeks. “It’s not much. What about you?”

I chewed on my lip. “I’m not sure yet. I haven’t even applied to schools yet.”

“I could help you, apply if you want. Peninsula’s was easy enough.” Jake said, before he started stuttering over his words.

“I wouldn’t mind a little help. I think Dad has been a little worried that I haven’t applied anywhere. And Peninsula doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Maybe we could carpool?”

A small smile was on his lips, “Yeah, maybe.”

“They have a decent education program, from what I’ve heard.” Jacob supplied.

“Education?” I asked.

He chuckled, “When we were little you always talked about being a teacher like your mom. Obviously time changes things. I was convinced I was going to be a superhero.” He smirked. “But it’s a starting point.”

I nodded, then heard laughter coming from the direction of the house.

“Time to go home Bella!” Dad’s voice called out, I could hear him chortling with Billy.

Jake and I rolled our eyes in sync. “Well, it was nice catching up, thanks for the help with the radio.” I said, holding my hand out awkwardly.

Jacob’s hand encased mine as he shook it, “Don’t be a stranger, Bells.” He smiled. “Now let’s go before those two get any ideas.

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

My one and Only

Tom x Reader

A/N: another office inspired piece of writing. Hopefully this isn’t too bad. Let me know if you have any requests. As always feedback is appreciated.

Y/N’s POV

Ever since Tom has been working in london for his new movie we’ve been having trouble keeping up with our marriage. I’m not blaming him for the whole thing, but we have been off sync. It feels like i’m just on my own doing this. Since he’s been working on Far From Home, i've been home with the kids and doing all the kids stuff. I feel like I shouldn't be saying this because he does so much for me and i feel like I’m acting ungrateful. I know it would seem like we see each other all the time since he’s working in London, but we rarely do, he gets home late and leaves early, sometimes he doesn't even come home. The kids do question but they know their dad works hard for all of us. I still work too just that Tom wants me to stay with the kids since he isn't home at all, so at least they have one parent at home.

There has been times where we have our moments and they are great, but sometimes i feel unsure. We have talked about it and today we have couples counseling to work this out so we don't do something we will probably regret. I am pretty nervous, i don’t know how this is going to go. The kids are with Nikki and Dom since they know about what is going on and they want to help us out while we try to fix this.

---------

Tom’s POV

After the interviews and photoshoots i went home to pick up Y/n for our couples counseling. She told me she has been feeling some way, that she felt we were out of sync, to be honest i was feeling that too. I felt like we were drifting away, i didn't want to loose her, she is everything to me, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and i’m not loosing her. She is the mother to my kids and she deserves way better. Sometimes i feel like she could be with someone else who is normal and is there for her..

As i got home i went inside to she if she was ready. I went upstairs to see if she was in the bathroom. I saw her laying on the bed and talking to Robert.

“Okay yes, i know, and honey i will talk to him and just blow him up. It’s his fault.” her dad said as she shook her head.

“Dad, it’s not just his fault, it’s mine to for not talking about my feelings and making our relationship even more harder to control.” she said which broke my heart. Her dad was right it is my fault, i’m never here for her when she needs me.

“Honey, he knew what he was getting into when he got together with you and then made little ones of you two. Where are those two angels anyway?” he said. God it is my fault completely. As i waited for the call to be done i headed there to at least talk to her and feel her happy presence again.

“Hi love,” i said as she turned around and smiled at me.

“Hi,” she said as she went in for a hug. It felt nice to feel her again. I missed it a lot. “Are you ready to go?” i asked as she nodded.

We then left to go to the office and just talk about us and to each other. As we got there we were lead into this room and the talking began with,

“So why do you guys think you're here?”

--------

A few days later

After our counselling we were left with some homework, we had to acknowledge and appreciate each other sacrifices and speak our truths when needed. And we call the things we don't want to do opportunities. I feel like it felt good to go to couples counseling. I felt a little more connected and i felt a lot better too when we do our homework. The kids are glad to see me and i try to be with them as much as possible. I’m also trying to be with y/n as much as possible. I almost lost her with not being with her, and i am not going to loose her again.

As we both made lunch i saw her smile. It felt nice to see her smile. It made me feel accomplished. But im not going to stop there. She needs me here. “So, tomorrow I have a day off and i want to take you and the kids out.” i said as she smiled. “Oh that will be fun, i appreciate and acknowledge that you went out of your way to plan to take us out tomorrow..” she said as she did the homework.

“Well, to speak my truth love it isn't out of my way because I feel like we needed to do something as a family and you all mean so much to me and i want to do something nice for you guys.” i said as she smiled again.

As we finished making lunch we set up the table and got ready to eat. As we talked about our days my phone rang and i saw it was work and answered it. “To speak my truth i would really appreciate it if you hung up because we were having a conversation.” she said as i quickly hung up.

“I appreciate your sacrifice.” she said a little sarcastically. “To speak my truth that was a little sarcastic and a little unfair.” i said glared at me softly.

“Really i've been putting the kids to bed all by myself for months and you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth Tom, is that really your truth?” she said, but she had a point. “Alright, i will swallow my truth.” i said grinning and she smiled at me.

------

Afternoon

Y/n’s POV

Today Tom had some work to get done and i understood because these were his days when he worked. Before he left i was talking to my dad. He wanted to know what was going on. I told him everything was perfectly fine and we were doing perfect. He kept saying that he was going to kill Tom if he did something like that again, but i told him that it wasn't his fault and he is doing everything to make us happy while he is here and while he’s away and that the kids were also happy that Tom made enough time for them as well.

As i was putting a movie on for the kids i took the time to clean up before sam, harry and paddy came over to see the kids. Tom came downstairs from his office playing with the kids before he was leaving.

“Where are you going daddy?” Ethan asked. “I have to go work for Spider-Man buddy, please take care of your mom okay.” he said which made my heart warm up. “Yes daddy, i will.” he said. “Also please take care of Camila, alright.” he said and Ethan replied to his dad.

As i stood near the doorway Tom saw me and he stood up from where the kids were and he grabbed my hands. “Look love, i have to go and i’m sorry, but let’s keep doing what we are doing alright.” he said as i gave him a hug.

I knew he had to go and for good reasons. To live his dreams and so he can give us a good life. I appreciate everything he’s done for me and the kids. I love him way to much to loose him. He’s a great father to our kids and a great husband.

“It’s okay, i understand, and hey we wont be alone, your brothers are coming to hang with us for a while.” i said as he smiled “Okay love, i love you alright and i will try to be here around midnight alright?” he said as i nodded.

After he left his brothers arrived 15 minutes later. The kids were so excited to see their uncles. While the kids took Paddy upstairs to play Sam and Harry and i talked.

“Hey, have you seen the interview?” harry asked. “What interview?” i asked. “You don't know?” sam said.

“No I don't, what interview? You're scaring me.” i said. “Here i'll send it to you, but watch it later when the kids are asleep.” he said as he got his phone out and sent me the interview.

“Okay,” i said very confused..

Around 11o’clock they left to go home. Ethan and Camila were fast asleep, they had so much fun with their uncles. This happens every time they come over. I then grabbed my laptop and clicked on the link harry sent me. As it loaded Tom was having a drink or whatever and they continued.

“Here we have Tom holland also known as our friendly neighborhood spiderman.” the interviewer said. “Hello thanks for having me here mate.” tom said with a smile.

The interview consisted of him talking about the movie and things that happened during the film. It then got to a part where it talked about us. I saw the way his eyes lit up. It made me tear up a little bit.

“So how is Y/N taking all of this, you know being away must be hard.” the interviewer said. “Uh, well actually Y/N and I have been having some trouble being in sync. And it is hard because one parent at home with two kids is very difficult to handle.” he said. “There is a source here that says you two had and are continuing to go to couples therapy. Is that true?” he asked.

“Yes we did go and we are continuing to go. I was selfish. Y/N was always at home and i was never home not even for my kids. I've made so many mistakes that i just let fly over my shoulder but this one, i cant let it fly over. She’s my wife and i have to be there for her even when i cant. She’s my one and only.” he said.

“Ow, gosh.” i said as i was wiping away the tears. “Wow, that amazing. What would you tell her if she was here right now?” he asked him. “For one, Y/n i love you, you are amazing i don't know how you're still with me even after what i did. You are my soulmate, and im thankful for you. You're the first best thing that ever happened to me including the kids.” he said and the video ended.

I was crying at this point. He was too much but in a good way. I loved him so much. I then felt his presence next to me. I turned around and wiped my tears.

“You watched it.” he said walking over to me. “Yeah.” i said sighing looking down to the floor. “I meant every single word love,” he said as he held my hands and looked into my eyes. “You are my one and only.”

[creativeskullcreations]

Outside chapter 16: Therapy Sessions

And thus, we return to Outside! Starting with this brief interlude like chapter from someone completely new!

Update schedule is gonna be once every two weeks on Monday, just like before. As for Happy Times, that's gonna be on the back burner for a while so I can get this done, but I'll try and pop out another episode at some point.

So enjoy for now, and see ya;ll again later! :D

The puppet laid on the couch, flopped over like a discarded toy, eyes staring unblinking into space. If she didn't already know better, Trina would have assumed it was something one of her patients had left behind .

It, or rather she, wasn't a forgotten toy, however. She was her new patient, and, according to what another patient, Stacy, had told her, she had trust issues. But, she could work with that. And by that, she meant do paperwork until Scout was ready to talk.

Unfortunately, it seemed like that was taking a while. Before she knew it the whole hour had passed and the alarm had gone off. When Trina looked up from turning it off, the Puppet was gone, and the door was open. Ah well. She supposed she should prepare for her next patient, then.

------

Once again, Scout was laying on the couch. A different position this time, and staring in a different direction. Trina resigned herself to more paperwork again, like the last few visits. Though she felt like they were making some progress. Sometimes she looked up and Scout was in a different position, or she was in the middle of blinking.

In her mind, that was a good thing. It meant the Puppet was starting to get comfortable with her. Maybe soon, she'd actually start talking.

------

"Did you know Hosts can bleed without getting hurt?"

The question startled Trina, and she fumbled the pen onto her crossword book. "Excuse me?!"

"Yeah they do it naturally into the toilet! And into these weird giant soft band-aids that Stacy didn't want me to mess with." Scout reached down her shirt and pulled out a bright orange square. "Jokes on her, I took one anyways."

"Ah." It made sense, actually, that Scout would have no knowledge of the menstrual cycle. "And... did Stacy explain what they were for?"

"Nope! She just yelled a lot, and turned really red." She pulled the tape holding the wrapper closed off, then stuck it to the couch. "I asked Will why she wouldn't tell me, and he said it's because Stacy's a prude. And then she yelled at him."

"Did Will explain it to you?"

"No. Because he's also a prude. Stacy said so." There was a loud tearing sound as she slowly pulled the backing off of the pad, and Trina realized why Stacy had kicked her out of the bathroom. She also made a note to never let Scout into her bathroom.

And so, Trina spent the remaining forty-five minutes giving a sex-ed lesson to a living hand puppet. Not the weirdest session she'd ever had, of course, but it was certainly up there.

She just wished Scout hadn't stuck the pad to her keyboard.

------

The next few sessions were spent answering whatever questions Scout had that for whatever reason, she couldn't ask Stacy. Whether it was about biology("But why is it brown?"), a question about porn("I just don't see the appeal of watching Hosts fucking."), or about movies("He was the best character! Why the fuck would they kill the best character!"). Most of the time, Trina would google it with her. But sometimes she would ask why she couldn't ask Stacy. Usually she'd get one of what felt like stock answers, but occasionally she'd go really quiet and only say:

"I just wanted to know what you thought about it. That's all."

And Trina would, outwardly, accept that. But she always made note of which questions were related to that answer to try and understand her better. She also started on a timeline, to try and get the two into a session together. It probably wouldn't happen soon, she wanted to try and get Scout talking about herself first. But once she'd made some progress there, they could try a joint session.

------

It took another several weeks before Scout told her anything about herself. Although it wasn't what she expected.

"And then he gave me ice cream! And I ate it, because it was solid and delicious! But it fucking melts! And it's fucking gross!" She was raging, but in a way that almost made her look adorable. Not that Trina would tell her so, of course.

"And, why is it so bad that it melts?"

"Because it soaks in! Duh!" She looked thoroughly annoyed, and Trina felt a little bad for asking.

"What happened next?" She asked instead.

"Stacy and Will yelled at each other a lot, and then Stacy went to sleep on the couch. And then the next morning they locked themselves in the bedroom and wouldn't let me in while they made weird noises."

"Ah." Stacy had told her about that. It wasn't always the healthiest thing she could do, but Stacy genuinely thought it helped so Trina wasn't able to do much to dissuade her. "Did they come out at some point during the day?"

"Yeah, eventually! But it was boring as hell until then." A pause. "They banned me from Netflix, too, cause Stacy said what I was watching was a bad influence on me."

"Well that's too bad." She kept her tone sympathetic. "What else do you do during the day?"

"Watch TV."

"Besides that."

"Oh." Scout sat up, thinking. "Nothing- Well, I do hang out with Stacy a lot."

"Hmmm." Trina wrote that down in her notes. "Have you tried to find something other than TV? A hobby of some sort, or even a game to play?"

"I do play this game called Kirby sometimes." She admitted. "It's... kinda fun."

"Have you beaten it yet?"

"I mean... no..." She looked away, playing with the edge of her shirt.

"Maybe you should try and do that. Could be more fun than just watching Netflix all day." She kept her voice upbeat, and tried to figure out something else the Puppet could do besides TV.

"Maybe..." She looked around the room, eyes never stopping on one spot for too long.   Trina waited patiently, pen tapping lightly against her notebook. "... Something happened last night. Something... kinda bad."

"Oh?"

Scout nodded. "Sometimes, when Stacy wakes up and doesn't know where I am, she'll... take over my body. Not to do bad stuff though!" She was quick to assure when she Trina's face. "It's just to, y'know, see where I am. She gets worried when she can't find me."

Stacy had mentioned that. Apparently she now brought Scout everywhere with her, including to her programming job. "What made last night so different then."

"Well, normally I just sort of... float? I guess? When she does that. But, last night, I... woke up in her body."

Trina blinked. "Well, I suppose it makes sense that would happen-"

"No it fucking doesn't!" Scout shouted, cutting her off. "It's a bad thing! Very fucking bad!"

"Well, why do you say that?"

"Because it means that our fucked up link is evolving!" Scout told her in a 'duh' tone of voice. "Who knows how it could change from here!"

"Is it possible that you've always been able to do that, but just never did before now?" Trina asked.

That gave her pause, and seemed to calm her down a bit. "... I don't know. Maybe." She shrugged. "I... never really wanted to try before..."

Trina nodded, adding another note to her paper. "What happened next after you... woke up in Stacy's body."

"Well, we both flipped our shit, which woke Will up and then he flipped his shit. And then he and Stacy yelled for a while before he left and we managed to, uh, swap back." Scout scratched the side of her head, thinking. "And then Will came back with something, and he and Stacy fought some more."

"What did they fight about?"

"The thing Will brought back. It's some sort of a toy, like a psychic test." She scowled. "He made us sit there and do it, right then."

"The Waygetter one?" At Scout's confused look, she waved the question away. "Never mind. What were the results?"

------

"100 percent psychically linked." Stacy said, arms folded and stoic look on her face. "Not that I didn't already suspect, but I'd prefer a real test to a Waygetter "toy"."

"Of course you would, considering your past." Trina said, jotting down notes. "Did anything happen after that?"

The young woman shrugged. "Not a lot, mostly just went back to bed. I thought about banishing Will to the couch for his betrayal, but decided against it."

"Good." She nodded. "Banishing him over something so small, and when he was just trying to help, could lead to resentment building up later on."

"Yeah yeah." She kept her arms crossed, eyes trained on the floor. "Scout was pretty upset about it, though. But she's upset about a lot of stuff cause she feels guilty."

"Really now?" Trina jotted that down. "How do you know about that?"

"Psychic link." Stacy raised a single eyebrow. "Duh."

Trina sighed. "Has anything else happened lately? Made any friends at your job?"

"Not really." She shrugged. "This one woman, Chell, talks to me sometimes. She knows sign language, which is kinda cool I guess. But, I wouldn't say we're friends."

"Maybe you should focus on making friends with her. It seems like you two already have something in common already."

"Mm." Stacy looked away, tapping the fingers of her prosthetic against her flesh arm. It was pretty scary to look at, but it didn't stop her from wearing a spaghetti strap, leaving the limb on full display. Trina had also taken note of that, attributing it more to the woman's anti-social behavior than confidence or a strong body image.

"You can't rely on Will's friends forever, Stacy." She told her. "You need a life outside of him. It's not healthy to center everything around him."

"Easy not to lose everything if you don't have anything." She retorted. "I have Will, and I have Scout. They're all I need for now."

"What about your brother?" She looked away. "Or your father? Have you talked to either of them recently?" Silence was the answer, and Trina only sighed, used to it by now. "Your homework this week is to call your family for once. You need to repair your connections to them."

"I need to convince Scout to drop her guilt."

"That's my job." Trina gave a small smile that went ignored. "I'm serious about talking to your family though. Especially if you plan on getting into more... situations like this one. How would Danny feel if you died, and nobody would tell him anything about it?"

Stacy shrugged, and Trina sighed again. "Call your father. Text your brother. Make a new friend. Do one of these three things before our next appointment, okay?" She ordered as the timer dinged, signalling the end.

"Fine." The woman ground out, standing up and straightening her top. She accepted the offered prescription, then left the room. She stopped just briefly to grab her bag from Molly, the receptionist, and then went out to her truck. Scout popped out of the bag as she exited the building, and Trina sighed as she watched them.

They truly were an odd pair, and Trina hoped things worked out for them. She certainly couldn't imagine it could get any worse, anyways.

[juminsmysticmc]

Okay here is another idea. It would be rfa + minor duo: An MC that works at a daycare. I know it's not very detailed but I'm fine with it being taken in any direction you want.

RFA + Minor Duo with a Mc who works at a daycare 

Thank you for everything you do my love! 

Jumin

One day, right after your honeymoon, Jumin arrived home earlier than expected. 

However, you were missing.

The young man couldn’t reach you on your phone and all possible thoughts haunted him.

Did someone kidnap you? Perhaps you escaped on your own? Was there something wrong?

Jumin Han’s fears hit him as he tried to find out what happened to you.

However, when the bodyguards told him that you went out with a bag in your hands Jumin lost hope.

,,She escaped. I won’t try to take her back, or maybe that’s what she wants?’’ Jumin said out loud.

,,Are you troubled? Tell me,’’ you suddenly asked him, kissed his cheek, and went to the bathroom to wash your hands.

,,Yeah. My wife escaped and I wonder what I should do now. What do you think, Mc?’’ he asked you and looked up.

,,Huh? Mc? You came back?’’ he suddenly jumped up and looked at you.

His heart grew warmer. Was this happiness?

You chuckled and nodded.

,,You also come back after work, so why shouldn’t I come home?’’ you laughed. 

Well, the atmosphere got awkward. Jumin Han didn’t even know that his wife was working.

But then you reassured him and told him that you actually kept it hidden on purpose.

,,I think your job is amazing. Thanks to you, children have the possibility to play with other children and learn different kinds of things. When they have a Nanny, they perhaps can’t make any friends,’’ Jumin nodded as you told him about your part time job in a daycare.

Zen

,,But you need some time for yourself. You need to rest too!’’ Zen complained when you told him that you wanted to become his manager and keep working at the daycare center.

,,I know, but they are both part time. Besides, I don’t think that it’s hard. It’s almost like taking care of my own children,’’ you told him, trying to reassure him.

Zen’s eyes shined when you told him your feelings over your job.

,,I also want children by the way…’’ he told you, making you laugh.

,,Perfect, because I want you to become the father of my babies,’’ you confessed.

Sometimes Zen even came to your center to look at you from the window and observe you playing with the children.

Often you looked over their shoulders and sometimes it seemed as if you were helping them with homework.

,,You indeed do a lot of things at work, don’t you?’’ he asked you.

But nevertheless, Zen was amazed.

Every child was different, but you still managed to take care of them all and love them as if they were your own.

Yoosung

,,Are you okay?’’ Yoosung asked you when you came home.

You let go of your bag, jacket, and threw your body on the couch, beginning to sob immediately.

,,Hey, Mc, what’s wrong?’’ he asked you.

You sadly looked at him.

Something must have been wrong at work. You were the kind of person who loved her job with her whole heart.

As soon as a child felt sick, you felt responsible.

But that was also the reason why Yoosung loved you that much.

,,I- am I even good at what I do?’’ you asked him, sobbing into his shirt.

Yoosung nodded and then asked you the reason for your insecurity.

,,Today was the most hated day in my job - we needed to tell the parents about their children and I know that something is wrong with Dan-i. She can’t talk yet and she needs therapy so that she can finally talk. But the mother didn’t want to listen to me and said that if she’s too lazy to talk, it’s better that way! That’s not how a mom should be!’’ you kept crying.

Yoosung nodded.

Sometimes parents made decisions for their children which weren’t always right.

,,Listening to a stranger may have made her feel bad. Give her time and call her in two days. I’m sure that she paid attention to it by the time,’’ Yoosung told you, making you feel much better.

,,My co-worker is bugging me,’’ you kept going.

,,For the children’s health we need to sanitize the mats, but she just won’t do it!’’ you complained.

Yoosung quickly grabbed your cheeks and made you look at him.

,,You’re the team leader in there. They need to listen to you. For once, you can make them feel that you’re their supervisor!’’ Yoosung told you.

Like always, your husband had the perfect words to make you get up in a good mood the next day and overcome the day once again.

Jaehee

,,Have fun!’’ Jaehee laughed as you left the house and the coffee shop in her care.

You were still three times in the week for four hours working in the Daycare.

You just needed the balance between baking cakes, making coffee, and serving clients.

Working between children was totally different for you.

However, both jobs were challenging and as soon as the weekend came, you couldn’t wait to fall asleep next to your loving girlfriend.

,,How was your day?’’ she always asked you.

,,I’m feeling worn out and… sick?’’ you mumbled.

Jaehee mumbled, thinking that you were just sleepy from the hard day. However, she quickly realized that you were actually sick.

,,I hate it…’’ you mumbled, feeling bad that she had to be alone in the shop once again.

,,It’s normal. You are with children so it’s normal that you get sick too. Just rest a lot today,’’ she always made you feel better.

However, your job wasn’t just exhausting.

There also existed these beautiful days when you could successfully teach a kid something and got praised for your hard work.

Saeyoung

,,Have fun playing!’’ Saeyoung laughed as you were about to leave.

However, you stayed in the same spot for a few seconds more.

,,You know,’’ you began ,,working the whole day in a daycare isn’t as easy as you think. Of course, we can do a lot of fun things such as watching Disney movies or reading a book together, but I would like to see you change a diaper.

Or to make a toilet break, tidy up dirt, poop, and food,’’ you responded.

You lived and loved your job and whenever someone said that working in a daycare was a joke, you got angry.

Because it wasn’t.

Saeyoung kissed you and apologized.

,,I know that you do more, that you write reports, make lesson plans, keep a close eye on all the children, take care of them, and often your job is heartbreaking.

I’m sorry if my joke was tasteless,’’ he honestly told you and smiled at you again, lifting up your mood.

,,Thank you Saeyoung,’’ you whispered and really went to your students.

Saeran

,,It’s amazing!’’ Saeran smiled at you brightly when you told him that you would start in a daycare.

You were crazy about children, wanted their best, and you wanted to help children.

You wanted to make homework assignments with them, keep an eye on them, teach them how to walk, eat, and talk.

You wanted to love them and make them feel loved.

But one of your other reasons was that you wanted to keep a close eye on children who perhaps could have been abused.

You didn’t want anyone to have to live in pain like Saeran and Saeyoung had.

You wanted to do something for children.

Of course it was hard. You first had to take a lot of tests, pass on different things and learn a lot of different stuff.

And your pay wasn’t even high.

You had to tidy up vomit. A lot of vomit.

And for the first time, you even got awfully sick when a kid was sick too.

The worst was that whenever you got sick, Saeran would get sick too and since he was kind of weak it always worried you.

,,It looks like we got immune,’’ Saeran laughed as he thought about the last illness you told him about.

You nodded and hugged him.

,,Let’s have a child on our own soon,’’ you told him, making him feel ready too.

Jihyun

,,I look up to you,’’ he confessed one day when you arrived home with Lucy who was at the same centre as you.

You smiled at him and asked Lucy if she would please wash her hands first. You did the same and went into the kitchen and prepared dinner.

,,Why?’’ you asked Jihyun since he praised you out of nothing.

,,Well,’’ the blue haired man began.

,,You go there with our daughter, take care of her and a lot of other children. You teach them how to eat, take care of themselves, make them take naps.

You don’t have time for yourself, you prepare for the next lessons, and I just think that you are amazing, Mc,’’ he ended.

You nodded and looked at him, you knew perfectly what he wanted to say with his words.

,,You know, you did a great job with Saeyoung,’’ you told him, placing your hand on his cheek.

,,Saeyoung is so thankful to you, and we are too. And even though you have the feeling that some things didn’t work out the way you wanted, always think about it: someone else is thankful to you and things that you did great. Besides, it was your first time taking care of a child and you were young yourself,’’ you told him, your husband who blushed and thanked you for the compliment you gave him.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

30.03.2020// 00:01 MEST

[brinaedwards]

Honey, I think We F*$#@# Up the Kids

The thing about this class that is really awesome is the fact that I can take a day to myself, watch movies and still call it homework. Euphoria took me a couple days of binge watching but still, it was nice to relax and take in films that I would have never watched on my own.  Some I enjoyed like MID90's, some I did not, KIDS. Like I said in my last post, I would not want to watch that film again. I have no real reason as to why not other than the fact I just did not enjoy watching it. Well the scene where Capser sucks kool-aid out of a tampon, yeah that could be a reason why not to watch it again.Everything else was really good though, then again I could watch The Breakfast Club all the time.

As a common theme of these posts I have a list of questions that I am required to answer next to me. After watching these films/tv shows, the character that I identified with most is a combination of characters. Specifically from Euphoria because honesty that show is pretty close to society today. Kat is someone I can easily relate to because when I was in High School, I was very much overweight. I never noticed it because I was surrounded by friends that didn’t make me feel overweight. Like Kat, those friends were really skinny and included me in things like going out and having a good time. I forgot what year but sometime during high school I met a kid who I fell head over heels for, similar to how Jules fell for “Tyler”.  However, I wasn’t catfished or anything like that but I was very manipulated by this dude, let's call him “Tyller #2”. . We were never together but I was like his side chick in a way. Similar to Jules, “Tyler #2”  convinced me to do things that I would never think of doing but being in a vulnerable state at the time, it was easy for him to take advantage of certain situations. For the first time I was very conscious of my weight, and tried all the dieting techniques out there and none of it worked. I eventually ended up being with someone else who actually made me happy and confident. But “Tyler #2” got under my skin again and I eventually broke up with the dude I was with under the false promise of being with “Tyler #2”. For years I was under this man-child's thumb and like Kat I spiraled, desperate to try and find myself. I would confide in friends and they would tell me to get away from this dude but I never listened. This kept going on for years. I ended up becoming friends with some not so great people because of it. Thankfully I got away before anything super awful happened. But back to “Tyler #2”. It was about a year into college that I got over “Tyler #2”, and that's because I woke up one day. I will never forget this but I remember him saying to me, “Maybe you should lower your standards and then you can get a guy”. I don’t know why that hit me so hard but in that moment I came to this realization that I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone, if anything I need to raise them. And that is exactly what I did.I blocked “Tyler #2” from all my social media, and when he called me out on it one day I looked at him and said “you are a disgusting, sad piece of shit”. After that moment I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I ended up losing a lot of weight and gained confidence back in myself. I found someone who exceeded my standards and I've been with him for three years now. I haven't seen or spoken to “Tyler #2” for a long time and I hope to keep it that way. There are things I know he has done to girls he was with, things that should have gotten him charged with assault but, of course nothing could ever be proven. That's why I can identify with Kat, Jules and come to think of it, even Maddy.

I guess that goes into the themes these films/tv shows portray in youth. Abuse, Social Pressure and Sex. When I would watch things like this around my parents or brothers when I was younger, they always gave me a look of shock and disbelief. As if things like that don’t happen in today's world or ever happened. And of course when trying to explain to them that things like that happen, they get defensive or even a bit disappointed that issues were never brought up. I think that’s because things like this aren’t  easy to explain, it's more than words can explain. A lot of it has to do with social pressures today, I mean social pressures such as the pressures of getting good grades, meeting parental expectations, peer pressure and massive world pressure that is being forced on us today. Euphoria didn’t go too much into detail of social pressure as much as it did with abuse and sex but The Breakfast Club on the other hand oozed it. For example, characters such as Claire, Andrew and Brian each went through their own pressures. For Brian he is pressured by his mother to get good grades no matter what, eventually the pressure of failing a class was too much for him and he brought a gun into the school. Yes it was a flare gun but the principle is there. In an article from the Pew Research Center, a study showed that “61% of teens today feel pressure to get good grades” That alone can cause anyone to go off the edge not to mention the public expectations put on youth, for example, Andrew having to win and prove to his father that he is cool. And how Claire values what her friends would think if they knew she wanted to be friends with the others. All those things are sometimes built up in one person and it's absolutely terrifying. The Guardian article on how Euphoria captures teen melancholy briefly mentions how we are a generation of school shooter drills. (I don’t know if that is meant as a description of how we are as a generation but that's not the point of trying to make). What I am trying to get across is that social pressure placed on youth today is scary, especially since there was a time where every few weeks there was a school shooting. I don’t want to get into gun laws because that is a long post for another day. I just want to get into the mentality of it all because The Breakfast Club highlights an important issue to mental health and what kids even now go through.

I remember being in highschool and my school had a serious shooter threat. My parents still sent me to school because they felt that nothing would happen. Nothing did but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely terrified. I did not attend any classes that day, instead I stayed in the band room that day because if anything were to happenI could hide in a cubby or run out the back door. Even more recently a few years back when SUNY Orange got a shooter threat, I didn’t even go and neither did a lot of people.

I am so thrilled that mental health awareness is something that is being recognized and taken seriously. The stigma behind needing therapy and vocalizing feelings needs to end, especially the stigma of gender roles. Abuse is a theme that is presented in all the films/tv shows watched this week. The Breakfast Club shows insight on domestic physical abuse through John, Euphoria gets more into the psychological, emotional, physical and self abuse that teens go through. This theme especially is something that needs to become more recognized and addressed. Abuse is not just physical, it is mental and emotional. Nate abuses both mentally and physically by using Jules as duct tape to make problems go away by black mailing her. With Maddy he uses his control physically, verbally assaulting her about how she dresses, oh the list can go on and on.

Sex is a common theme in all the films/tv shows this week and that is something that every teen goes through. At that age your body goes through changes and it’s only natural that it is explored. In todays world sex is not much of a taboo like it was for our parents. But at the same time I feel that it is. When I was in highschool sex was not talked about. It was mentioned once in health class but that was it. No one went into detail, there was no explanation about stds, how females need to check for things, the list goes on. KIDS was a film that went into sex way more than all the other films/tv shows. It highlighted the horrors of unprotected sex, such as contracting HIV. As much as I disliked this film it is one that needs to be seen. The lectures talk about the “Disneyfication” of things today but it's that way of thinking that is hurting the youth of today. I can understand that parents don’t want their kids going through such trama at a young age, but if they are not being taught properly, not being educated they are going to find out on their own. Any issues kids face today parents right it off as a “part of growing up” but when your kid doesn't know what a condom is, or how to properly use birth control what do you expect is going to happen when the daughter is pregnant or the son has an std? That is not a part of growing up, that is just pure negligence on the parents and teachers. I could really go way into more of a rant but I feel that a topic like this needs its own blog and this one is already long af. Here are links to videos that I watched that go more into detail about education today. I promise they are not that long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI

Long story short, abuse, social pressure and sex are themes that kids face on a daily basis. It’s amazing that there are shows out there like Euphoria or films such as KIDS and The Breakfast Club to make it known that this is real. The world is a scary place, but that does not mean censoring that bad stuff. It means that the youth need to be prepared for a shit world, and if they’re not shown or educated about things before the fact then honey, I think we f*$#@# up the kids.

To make this whole post a little lighter let's just talk about the music, the Euphoria soundtrack was all of today's music, which if you listen to half of them its all about getting laid and doing drugs. Sort of on theme of the show don’t you think?For MID90’s the soundtrack fitted the “skater” “punk” theme. A soundtrack is something that can spark a memory, make it feel relatable. Take you back to a time where you had a similar experience. For example, certain songs I listen to take me back to when I used to be at Billy Joes in Newburgh line dancing, getting wasted and then eating pancakes at the Alexis Diner. It makes me think of what kind of playlist would describe my adolescence. Oof, well isn’t that a trip down memory lane.

I grew up listening to metal, my brothers have their own metal band, so I would be the only toddler sitting on the amps coloring not giving a shit about all the grimey people in the audience haha. It would be only fitting that my playlist would consist of metal & rock. However, as I got older I enjoyed pop songs and a couple edm mixes. My list would probably be:

Fame - David Bowie

ARTPOP - Lady Gaga

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Everytime We Touch - Cascada

Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Forest - System of a Down

Hype - NEFFEX

My Curse - Killswitch Engage

Nightmare - Avenged Sevenfold

Shout 2000 - Disturbed

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/my-adolescents/pl.u-8aAVVgafjg0W9A

These would be songs I would listen to non-stop as teen in middle school/ high school. “Fame” is a song that just makes me dance. I mean who doesn’t love a good David Bowie song right? “ARTPOP” is something that brings me back to when me and my uncle went to NYC to see Lady Gaga at the opening of H&M. “Bring Me to Life” is a song that honestly, all kids that are exploring metal/rock come across, the same is said for “Nightmare” and ��My Curse”. “Hype” and “Everytime We Touch” takes me back to when I used to go to parties. I don’t know why but these were songs that would be on, I think because everyone was probably too drunk to care. “Shout 2000” is a song that my brother introduced me to, he would have this specific Distrubed album playing non stop and im sure thats why the CD got all scratched up. Ahh the days of CD’s, I feel that I’m part of the generation that saw the last of those things. “Evil Angel” is a song that I played all the time on my ipod. Breaking Benjamin was the best band I ever heard and when I got the chance to see them live it was amazing! As for “Forest”, well, System of A Down has such a chaotic, emotional style that you can’t just help but to headbang to their songs. This was always one of my favorites. As I got older my music taste  has expanded to musicals, classical, pop, jazz, kind of every genre but country haha. Sorry country.

WORK CITED

“The Sadness of Euphoria: How the Show Captures Teen Melancholy.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 25 June 2019, www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/jun/25/the-sadness-of-euphoria-how-the-show-captures-teen-melancholy.

Horowitz, Juliana Menasce, and Nikki Graf. “Most U.S. Teens SEE Anxiety, Depression as Major Problems.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 30 May 2020, www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/02/20/most-u-s-teens-see-anxiety-and-depression-as-a-major-problem-among-their-peers/.

O'Keeffe, Gwenn Schurgin, et al. “The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families.” American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Pediatrics, 1 Apr. 2011, pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/4/800.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 2 May 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 6 Feb. 2015, www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M.

[mlovesstories]

FEELING THE BURN PART 6

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Words: 2600

Summary: Jensen goes to therapy some more, and YN needs a hug. 

Warnings: sexual assault, cussing, police activity, panic attacks, therapy

“Therapy is good, actually. I mean, I don’t mind going. It’s hard though.” Jensen rolled over to face Danneel as she closed her book while under the sheets. “He gave me homework.” Jensen sighed. Danneel put her book away and turned over to watch his face. “I have to be near YN. Even if I don’t talk.  Doc wants me to show that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Ah.”

“Wish me luck,” Jensen sighed again.

“You can do it.”

—————-

Jensen tried to stay close but not too close over the next week. The two talked to each other, but their conversations were short. He had apologized but YN still tried to stay away.

“YN, do you have homework?” Danneel asked as YN walked through the door after work.

“Have I ever NOT done my homework?” YN rolled her eyes.  

“What-” Danneel turned to her.

“I’m sorry.  I had a long day.  Yes, I have homework.  I’ll do it after dinner.” 

__________

“Hey, YN! Wait up.  Can you cover Sophie’s shift tomo-” Jensen started.

“No. Busy.” YN continued on to the backroom without a look as Jensen was called away by a fan.  

_________

YN walked into the house and slowly shut the door. Eyes puffy, she shuffled to the stairs.

“YN?” Danneel pokes her head around the corner and stopped when she saw YN’s face. “Are you okay?” Danneel asked plainly.

“Saw school counselor today.”

“Ah. Let me know if you need a hug.” The older one smiled.

“Maybe later. Have homework. Thanks, Dee.” YN looked up to see Jensen walking toward her.  She bumped his shoulder as she walked toward the stairs.

“Really, YN?” Jensen growled.

“Jensen.” Danneel stopped him.  “Let her be.”

_________

“So how’s the YN thing going?” Doctor Brown settled in his chair in the office.  Jensen pulled a pillow into his chest.  

“She’s being a smartass.  Hates me.” He sighed.

“And what have you been doing in response?”

“Dee’s making me shut up.  It takes everything I have to stay quiet because she’s being an ass.  If I even walk past her, she stiffens.”

“Dee as in Danneel?”

“Yeah, sorry.  I call her that.” Jensen smiled.  “She keeps me in check.”

“I appreciate the way she thinks.  Your job right now is to stay near.  No arguments, got it?”

“But why?  She’s being stupid about this whole thing.” Jensen looked at the doctor.

“Because she has learned to keep everything to herself.  Her trauma has caused her to only trust what she knows.  YN naturally does not share emotions, right?” Jensen nodded. “She has a trusting relationship with a counselor that is a good influence.  In her mind, you were the smartass.  And you kind of were.” Doctor Brown shrugged his shoulders.  

“You’re taking her side?” Jensen moved the pillow back to the couch.

“I don’t take sides.  My job is to make you think. Reflect.”

“I don’t think I did anything wrong!”

“Did you go through something scary that still affects you?”

“Yeah.  Kind of.”

“Imagine how she feels.  She has been through so much already and then she sees a death and blames herself for a fire that ‘should have been her.’”

“Fine. Fine.  I get it.  Okay, yes, I messed up.”

“How?” The doctor made him process.

“Because I was discounting her work to feel better and work through what happened.”

“Anything else?”

“I shouldn’t have made fun of her.  It’s good to acknowledge what we went through.”

“So what should you do?”

“Something, cuz what I’m doing ain’t working.” Jensen rolled his eyes, discounting the idea.

“Mister Ackles… try again.” Doctor Brown corrected him.  

“Be a constant still.”

“Yep.” The counselor smiled.  “It’s going fine.  Trust the process.”

————-

“They arrested him.” Jensen waited for YN at school.  

“What?” YN stopped in front of him. “Kenyan?”

“Yeah. We have to go down to the PD.” Jensen wrapped his arm around her. “Dee’s gonna drive your car home, give me your keys.” He extended his hand. Blankly, she unzipped a backpack pocket and gave them to Jensen. “Let’s go.”

As they made their way to the police station, YN stared straight ahead.

“Yeah, that’s Kenyan,” YN pointed to number six in the police lineup. “That’s my ass of a half-brother.” She groaned and walked out of the room.

“Come here,” Jensen pulled her close.

“No,” she shoved him off of her. “Can we go home?”

Jensen looked to the detective.

“Yep. That’s all we needed you guys for.”

“You mean to ruin my life? All over again?” YN sneered at him and felt tears fall. Jensen put a hand on her shoulder, surprised by her reaction.

“Miss-“

“Let’s go, YN. Let’s get outta here.” Jensen guided her out. She wiped her tears and walked to Jensen’s truck.

—————-

“Go away, Jensen.” YN tried to move away from him as they entered the house.

“Just give me a hug and then you can go.  Come here.” He stopped in the foyer and opened his arms.

“Fine,” YN groaned.

“Good girl.” Jensen wrapped his arms around her lightly. He heard her sniff his shirt.

“Mhmm.”

“What?” Jensen looked down at her.

“Your cologne.” She smelled his shirt again. “Safe.”

Jensen felt YN relax.

“You feel safe?”

“Yeah,” she said into his plaid shirt.

“It’s okay to be upset.”

“No, it’s not. I had to- he-“ she hiccup-cried into him.

“Uh oh. What’s wrong?” He tightened his grip over her back and shoulders. Jensen felt her push away from him.

“Nevermind.” YN tried to run up the stairs, but he didn’t let go and pulled her toward him again.

“No, come here,” he said gently. “I can tell you need somebody right now. Relax,” Jensen whispered.

Danneel walked into the room and raised a brow at Jensen. He shook his head. She slowly rubbed YN’s back. YN turned to find Danneel behind her.

“It’s okay,” Danneel verified.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jensen soothed.

“You don’t get it,” YN whispered.

Realizing this required a deeper conversation, the adults took her to the kitchen table.

“What do you mean?”

“Just- just let me think!” YN squirmed out of their touch. “You’re too close- and I can’t think,” she whispered. Danneel and Jensen backed away. “If I tell you, you can’t feel sorry for me,” YN took a deep breath.

“We never have,” Danneel softly smiled.

YN sat on the couch a few feet away from them.

“He hurt me, okay? He-“ she stopped.

“Kenyan? How?” Danneel stepped forward.

YN looked up to see Jensen’s jaw tighten.

“No, Jensen. I’m fine, please don’t get mad,” YN shriveled into herself. She saw his face muscles relax. “He… touched me.” YN looked away. She felt the air exit the room.  

“You know that wasn’t right, right?” Danneel didn’t miss a beat.  

“Dee, I am okay.  I promise.  I just don’t want to upset you guys.  I love you.”

Jensen silently exited.  YN’s eyes followed Jensen’s feet out of the room.  

“I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t upset him, sweetie.  He’s mad at Kenyan.” Danneel engulfed YN in a hug.

“Seeing him again today was hard.”

“I’m sure it was,” Danneel whispered.  They heard a loud pounding noise.  “Jensen.”

“He’s punching the bag,” YN said in return.  “I need to talk to him.” YN tried to stand up.  

“How are you…” Danneel trailed off.

“How am I okay?” Danneel nodded.  “Been through a lot.  And I’m not okay,” YN sighed.  “I just keep going.” YN skirted away from her foster mom and left the room.  She walked into the in-home gym.  “Jensen.  I’m fine,” YN said strongly.  

“I’m not,” Jensen said quietly as he used his bare hands to punch the bag.  

“Put gloves on.  You’ll kill your knuckles.”  Watching him punch out his pain in jeans, a flannel and his boots, she frowned.  “I know what you’re doing.  You’re just like Dean.  You punish yourself when something goes wrong that you have no control over.”

“No.  I am angry that he hurt you.  I WISH I could have been there to hurt him.”

“Stop punching the bag. Please.” YN barely spoke above a whisper. He glanced at her. Jensen saw her distraught, drawn face.  

“Come here,” Jensen stood up straight and looked at his bloody hands.  Wiping them on his shirt, he opened up his arms. “I’m not angry at you.”

YN walked into his arms,  

“I know.  You smell sweaty now,” she chuckled.

“Sorry.” He gave a laugh.

She backed away and sat down on the workout bench.  Jensen saw tears start to fall again.  

“I’m okay,” YN reiterated.  “Really.  I guess he is just the one thing that makes me weak.” YN put her head in her hands.

“You are probably the strongest person I know.  You are NOT weak.  YN LN is a hero in life.  I honestly don’t know how you’re not calloused to the world.”

“What does that mean?”  The girl looked up at him with a curious expression.

“As if you don’t care about others.  You could be emotionless, but you’re not.  I know you hold it in.  That’s what people do when they get hurt over and over again.  You did.  Your parents-”

“Jens, please don’t.  I get it,” she said plainly.  

“Sorry.  You know what I mean though.” He sat down next to her.  “Scootch,” he motioned with his hand for her to move over. YN did as asked so that he could have enough space next to her. “I see that you’re okay.  But it’s okay to be okay and still feel stuff.  Or not be okay either.  Just sayin’.”

YN leaned into him.  Jensen wrapped an arm around her.  

“Thanks.” He felt her smile into his chest.  “Go shower.  You stink,” YN’s smile grew wider.

“I punched the bag for five seconds!” He gasped at her accusation.  

“You’re also a dude.  Dudes sweat like crazy.”

“Fine.  But promise me-”

“I’ll give you a stupid hug next time, you ass,” YN smiled again.  “I’m sorry for being dumb and disrespectful.”

“I care about you.” Jensen said softly.

“I know that.”

“When I said that thing about therapy, I was wrong.  I don’t mind going, I’ve realized.  I can see why it works.  I understand now that you trust your counselor and I made fun of that.”

“Thank you, but you’re still a dumbass.” YN grinned.

“Language!” Danneel walked in with a happy expression of her own.  YN rolled her eyes at their sarcastic parenting techniques.

“Whatever.  I want pizza.  Who’s in?” YN looked to her foster parents.

__________

“We haven’t really talked about how you feel about what you went through with YN.  Although I do think you’ve made great progress with her.  Do you think you’re ready to talk about that?”

“I told you what happened already.” Jensen stood up and paced back and forth.  

“Jensen.”

Jensen turned to his therapist.  

“Don’t get lost in your head.  I’m not going to push you about it.  You can say no.”

“I’ve actually been having a lot of bad dreams lately. She gets kidnapped in front of me every time and I can’t protect her.” Jensen continued to walk the length of the room turning back and doing it again.

“Yeah?  That really sucks.’

‘Yeah.  I’ve actually been sleeping in a different bed because Dee wakes up when I startle myself awake.”

“Did she ask you to do that?”

“I don’t know.  Why?”

“Think.  It’s important,” the doctor pressed.  

“No, I don’t think so. “

“Go back to bed with her.  I think it might help to be near someone.” The doctor smiled.  “She can help calm you down.”

“I don’t want to bother her though.” Jensen sighed.

“Let her tell you if it bothers her.  She probably feels jipped that you are not trusting her with this, whether you think of it like that or not.”

“Oh,” Jensen looked to him.  “Hadn’t thought about it like that.  Yeah, I could do that.  I’ve been struggling a little bit.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“I’m doing better now that YN and I are getting along again, but I still get nervous and jumpy.  YN gets that way too, so she understands.  They don’t make me jumpy.  More like the TV with sudden noises or something like that.  When I’m on set, we have loud special effects and blanks.  I’ve noticed it’s increased since the whole thing happened.”

“Gotcha.” The doctor wrote on his notepad.

“When you do that, does that mean you’re keeping track of my crazy?” Jensen half-joked and stopped pacing.

“No.  I wrote ‘improving in processing.’  Nothing bad at all.  Don’t get used to me telling you my secrets though.” The doctor grinned.  Jensen sat back down.  

“Oh, that’s good.”

“It is.  Have you been having any other symptoms?”

“Of what?” Jensen asked.

“I don’t know.  Anxiousness?  Any unusual worrying other than bad dreams?”

“I have to check on YN throughout the night.  It’s almost an OCD thing.  I just can’t let anything happen to her again.”

“How often do you check on her?”

“Five or six times a night.” Jensen frowned.  

“Really impeeds your rest, I’m sure.  Have you learned or tried any calming techniques?”

“Everything I’ve tried is crap.” Jensen sighed and leaned back against the couch.

“Everything doesn’t work for everybody.  I have an idea.  Would you be willing to try it?”

“If I have to do some funky meditation or say something stupid, I ain’t doing it.”

“No, no.  Nothing like that.  My suggestion would be to spray your pillowcase with a cologne of your wife’s.  Does she wear perfume?”

“Yeah, it’s called apple-something.  Smells good.”

“Try it.  If her shampoo smells good, you could also ask her to shower before bed.  It could help you relax.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

The doctor studied Jensen’s face, noting his withdrawn face all of a sudden.  

“Jensen?”

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” he answered Doctor Brown.

“Does this happen often?” He readjusted so that he was sitting right across from Jensen.  

“Sometimes,” Jensen answered.

“You’re probably having a panic attack.  You need to force yourself to relax.  It won’t get worse if you don’t let it. “  The doctor saw Jensen trying to concentrate.  “Tell me your top five favorite movies?”

“Umm, Top Gun… Tombstone…” his stare increased.

“Jensen,” the doctor snapped his fingers to get the man’s attention.

“Uh, MASH- no, that’s a TV show. “ He corrected himself.  “Caddyshack, Fight Club,  and Die Hard.”

“Good.  Breathe, Jensen.” The doctor watched Jensen’s body language.  

‘I feel like I need to cry.”

“It may help, depends on the person.”

Jensen couldn’t hold it in any longer.  He fell over onto the couch in tears. The doctor leaned away from him to give Jensen space.  He rocked himself until he was able to calm himself. When he quieted.  

“You are going to feel REALLY tired after this, okay?  Do you feel better?”

Jensen sat up and nodded.  

“Yes.”

“Have you ever had an attack like that?”  The doctor offered a tissue. Jensen took it and put it to his face.  

“No.  I haven’t cried like that before.  I- I don’t know what happened.”

“Just relax for a second.  You do not have any plans the rest of the evening.  Get home and lay low.”

“I’ve got to go do some-”

“I know.  Trust me.  Please.”

_________

“Hi,” Jensen walked in and greeted YN and Danneel.  He quickly ascended the stairs.  

“Uh oh,” Danneel moved the pillow from her lap to the couch.  “Guess it didn’t go so well.” 

FEELING THE BURN

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[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

[imagine-loki]

Stubborn Independence

TITLE: Stubborn Independence 

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 5/10

AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: 

Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.

+

Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.

+

Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach? 

AUTHOR’S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin’s company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki’s plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.

My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight

 ~ ~ ENJOY  ~ ~

Loki let Sirena drive her own car while she talked excitedly about how well she was doing at Whispering Waters. Apparently the manager was considering having her perform every friday night, waitress the other times, and was going to pay her a small amount and let her keep the tips.

“How cool is that though? I mean I would be able to get my name out there.”

Loki could not stop the smile pulling his lips. “You are very gifted.”

“Thanks. It’s not… I guess it isn’t so much of getting my name known, I just like to see when people hear music. Music is proven to change or elevate moods. Its why I am in the musical therapy major.”

“When do your mock classes start?”

“Next week. Frigga stated there are some people really interested in the little class.”

Loki watched as Sirena parked in front of a grocery store.

She gave Loki a big smile. “Object of this game is to get snacks to eat in the car. Now go. Gogogog!" 

Sirena hurried out of the car and Loki felt rushed to do it too.

She started laughing as the car locked and ran to the entrance.

Loki easily caught up to her then opened the door. At Sirena’s look he walked in and shut the door so she had to open it herself.

"What the hell?” She laughed as she tried to be the intimidating fireball she was.

Loki smirked, “Everyone keeps telling me to let you do stuff yourself.”

“Well yeah. But did you need to make sure the door shut?”

“It would have been considered helping.”

Sirena tapped Loki’s arm with a small smile then pulled him along towards the snack isle.

Sirena was picking granola bars and some chips. “So get anything you can easily eat in the car.”

“Where are we going to go?”

Sirena snickered. “Depends on when you have your next scheduled alarm.”

Loki grumbled, “touche.”

Loki picked out a few things but were mostly candy. After purchasing their own things they went to the car.

“With all those sweets you are going to get a cavity. Clint would yell at me all the time about what I would eat because he knows I want to loose weight and be more healthy. He watches out for me.” Sirena took a bite of her granola bar.

“He does seem a bit…” Loki hesitated for the right word.

“Intimidating? Yeah he got the whole older brother thing about him.”

Loki immediately asked, “Brother? So you two aren’t dating?”

Sirena forced a gag and muttered “ew” several times. “No we aren’t dating. We knew each other from high school. He looked out for me because I would always get myself in trouble with people. I was too nice and people took advantage of me. He would scare people away from me.”

“He was trying to scare me away then?”

Sirena shrugged her shoulders. “Clint is an ass but yeah. He is a great guy. He is just pushing your buttons to see if you are good for me to…talk to.”

Loki had to be cheeky. “Am i good company?”

Sirena teased. “I think so.”

Loki laughed at his own question. “Was this planned out?”

Sirena pouted, “Probably. Clint is good at seeing things from way outside the picture so he is good at placing things where they are supposed to be.”

Loki fiddled with a piece of candy. “Where does he want us?”

“Beside each other.”

“You are being vague.”

“Vague? Why is there more information you are searching for?” Sirena teased.

“Just wondering if there is more to this… How did you put it..? Beside each other, Like this, in this car discussing his master painting over snacks…”

“maybe this is part of his plans..” Sirena glances at Loki’s lips as she leans slightly.

Loki starts to lean in as well. 

The kiss was short, sweet, and it made Loki happy to see her smile once the short kiss was over.

Loki smirked with a tilt of his head, “so do I ask you out or do you want to ask me?”

Sirena grinned, “I initiated the kiss, so I asked.”

Loki shrugged. “Fair enough. So do I get to take you out for dinner?”

Sirena seemed hesitant. “We can do our Q and A right here.”

“Do you actually have insurance on your phone?” It was the first question Loki came up with.

Sirena laughed, “that question is what you open up with?”

Loki nodded with a smirk.

She sighed before answering. “Yes I do. They won’t send me a new one because I dropped the phone. Something stupid about it not being the device that stopped working and it was my fault.. But it still works and I am not worried about it.”

“Alright. But everytime you show me pictures on your phone I really want to get you a new one so I can see your pictures better.”

“You are not the first person to complain about my phone for that reason.”

“Why not get a new phone?”

“I am worried about losing my pictures.”

Loki beamed. “I could help with that. Its very easy to do that. I move files all the time for work.”

“Maybe. Enthusiastic helper.”

Loki thought for a second. “I could teach you how to save stuff and put it all on a micro SD card or back everything up to the cloud.”

Sirena looked confused. “That was all over my head. I have no idea how electronics work. I can text, call, and set alarms.”

Loki tried not to laugh but a few chuckles escaped.

“Oh come on dont laugh at me!”

Loki couldn’t help but laugh at her pout and the embarrassment inside her voice.

“I didn’t mean to offend.”

“Whatever. So there is an intersection coming up… left, right, or straight?”

Loki asked. “Really? Okay straight.”

And that was the game for the night until they needed to get back to campus.

Loki and Sirena spent more time together and Clint seemed to be warming up to Loki more. There were still threats of bodily harm if Loki “ever hurt her and I will make sure you suffer too." 

Loki genuinely promised Clint he would never hurt Sirena.

Loki found himself on a new schedule and Sirena didn’t mind much of his alarms because she saw how anxious he was without some daily structure. However she convinced him into a deal; he could pay for one meal a week, and on certain days she had control of what they would do with their free time. Loki had to admit he enjoyed new experiences -especially with Sirena because she is always pleasant to be around.

Sirena never let Loki pay for anything and if he did it was an ear full and she would go buy him something if he wouldn’t take the money.

He tried to get creative by leaving a little money where she would find it, but she gave it away.

Loki went so far as to order things online, have them shipped to her mailbox as an "accidental delivery.” Despite the company saying to keep it she would send it back or find someone else who would use it.

Then Sirena got assigned a paper to write and was stressed out about getting it done because it was on a book she just didn’t understand. She found school just as important as Loki did, so homework would carve into their time together. Loki offered his help and she actually accepted it. Loki’s skills at analytical reading were useful and Sirena would get Loki his favorite drink and snacks as thanks for each study session.

They would work on homework together; at first they were alone and then they had a study group with the rest of their friends. Loki invested in a personal laptop so he could program while others worked and it didn’t take long to make some friends in the computer programming department too. Friends such as, Tony and Bruce.

During a study group Sirena announced she would be in a few of the art classes soon.

Fandral teased, “I am sure Loki is going to love it.”

Sirena glared at Fandral. “It is very professional. There will be no suggestive atmosphere.”

A few days later, Loki was in his art class and felt a little nervous as Sirena came in. Sirena discussed with Loki alone about how the class would go and how if anyone steps out of line the teacher would handle it.

It still did nothing to comfort him once she was on the podium in the plain undergarments she once explained. Everyone was on best behavior in the class which made it easier that way, but Loki’s hands sweat so much he had to keep readjusting the drawing utensils. They were never intimate other than kisses,  hugs, and hand holding but now he saw the curves of her body and was memorizing them onto paper.

Not at all troubling.

[theschizoidblog]

Anger Outbursts

Blog 3: 11/07/2020

I want to start this particular blog post by saying that what I am about to describe today, might not be very common in schizoids. Maybe it’s not schizoid at all. Maybe it’s just me. Schizoids have what I’ve seen described as “flat affect” – as in that they show very little emotions. However, during my lifetime, I’ve had a few anger outbursts. These might be PTSD related in some cases. PTSD *is* common in schizoids. These attacks have been happening at an increasing rate in my lifetime. Hardly at all before the age of 30, but then more and more after that age until I decided it was one of the reasons to seek therapy.

The outbursts are usually incredibly brief. Such an outburst only lasts a few minutes, sometimes just a matter of seconds, but the spike of adrenaline often affects me for a few days, and afterwards, I’m a sobbing mess of guilt and other negative emotions for often hours in a row, and I’m exhausted as hell.

I will describe the triggers and my own reaction and what the experience is like. Sometimes I call it an anger outburst, but it could also be a form of anxiety attack or adrenaline attack or panic attack. I honestly don’t know the correct, professional distinction between all of them.

When it happens, my fight or flight response is triggered, and I usually choose “fight”. I’m not sure if I never choose flight, or if choosing flight just doesn’t trigger it and thus I’m hardly aware I even made a choice afterwards.

I really don’t know what the correct label is for my own “attacks”, but if after reading this blog, you feel like you know, then don’t hesitate to reply, send me an ask or reach out to me on facebook.

An overview of outbursts

Very often, my outbursts are work-related.

The very first time I had it was when I was about 16 years old. I had forgotten my homework, something which did happen a lot. I was a good student, but forgetful. I always forgot a book, sometimes I did forget to do homework too, but in this case, I’d done my homework but left the book at home. When the teacher asked, I was ashamed to say I’d forgotten it at home, but I said it. Another girl in my class, someone who I always found disrespectful towards me (and a bitch), was like “she probably didn’t do it!” – even though it was only the first thing she said to me that day, I decided it would also be the last thing she said to me that day. She said it in such a taunting manner that I barked back at her: “I DID DO IT!”

Now, for me to bark was rare. I was usually quiet, friendly and never looking for a fight. I dodge confrontation at all times. I was sooner a mediator or observer in the classroom than a fighter. But in this case, the fight or flight response got triggered, my adrenaline rose up, and I decided to stand up for the truth, and thus I shouted back in her face. She was visibly startled (when you never respond that way and know how to carry volume and fierceness in your tone, it lands) and she backed off immediately with an apology.

The teacher (who really had nothing against me, I was a good student) didn’t mention it either and just let me be for that hour while I cried where I sat.

I was a mess for the rest of the day. The first hour I sat in class crying and shaking, completely confused by what I’d done. Later that day I tried to keep up the pretense I was fine, but I was exhausted.

I don’t think it happened for another ten years afterwards, until as a 26-year-old, something very similar happened at work. I don’t know what the precise cause was, but a colleague of mine was a bit of a sneaky bitch, always gossiping behind everyone’s back. Calling her a bully might be an overstatement, but she was not a great person. She had two faces and I did not trust her. She said something that struck a nerve, fight or flight response was triggered, I chose fight and spoke back to her, then I ran out of the room, slamming the door. Then the next hour or so I spent on the toilet, crying. Very adult. Very professional. In what I call the “discharge”, after the adrenaline had left my body in the rage of anger, there was so much guilt and confusion I could not face anyone.

Skip another few years. A different situation. Once again at work. I do a helpdesk job, but it’s high-demand. We are expected to be flexible, answer phones, mails, social media, in various languages, about various subjects, always creating tickets and being productive. In the morning as I drove to my work place, I saw a small van of the internet company outside. My first thought was: “they better not fuck up our internet connection today, we’re behind on tickets.” An hour later, the internet goes down. I can’t do my job. There’s pressure on us to perform, and I get so angry at the thought that there was no problem but that those two idiots of the internet company outside managed to ruin our internet… While our leads ask us to switch to hotspots, my VPN connection decides not to work along, and I get so frustrated by this ridiculous problem that it triggers another outburst and I have to hide in the toilet in order to sob out my frustration.

Another outburst, one from over a year ago. I’m at work. It’s been busy as hell. I’ve been working overtime. We’re asked to fill in a self-evaluation. It’s a bit of work, but I’m glad to do it, I find it very important to do. So I do it after my time. So it’s 5 o clock and while others are going home, I’m still behind my desk, filling in the evaluation so I can take my time for it. After thirty minutes I’m done and I click “next” – but the site gives an error as though nothing has been saved. In no time at all, the fight or flight response is triggered, I take my keyboard in my hands and smash it down onto my table. I break its tiny fragile legs. A few meters away from me two colleagues were talking and they look at me like “wtf?” – I mutter an apology and sit there shaking, trying not to cry. (In the end, my evaluation got saved correctly, which makes it even worse, the site just gave a weird error after saving. I did not have to do it again.)

Something else which triggered a really bad episode was when I was at home, not at work for a change, and I was in a fandom discord. I can’t remember the exact cause, but mods were angry with me for a specific discussion in which I had not held back. I wanted to defend myself, but they denied me the opportunity to do so and gave me a strict warning. Without a means to stand up for myself or express my own emotions in a safe way, I exploded in anger, then in tears, just behind my computer, shaking, being a mess, eventually feeling exhausted. (This was a PTSD trigger for me, which I recognize as related to PTSD I got at the age of 21.)

This week I had another explosion.

I’ve been working on a new project with a few others of my team. Every week we get a few days to work on the project, each a few days. Last week I did two days, and this week I would be doing three days of work on the project. There’s a ton of work to tackle, so I planned it out and had planned out all three days. The third day, I start working in the morning (at home), with a clear vision in my mind of what I’m going to do that day so that everything is done before my colleague needs to continue the day after.

I’m at it for about ten minutes when I hear from the colleague that she gets to do the project that day, instead of me. She gets to do it for the rest of the week. My brain just short-circuits for a moment. I’m angry as hell.

In this case, it could be compared to a balloon that got inflated to a very big size, but did not pop immediately. Instead there’s a tiny hole of air and it’s deflating. In the minutes while I’m super-angry, I finish some of the stuff I must finish, mails that I had to send out and had already planned the day before. I use the adrenaline boost as a wave to do as much as I can in as short a time as I can. I take the energy from that moment and use it to be productive for the few minutes that I know it lasts.

I simultaneously express my anger about changing the shift on such short notice with the one responsible for this change. (via chat) I don’t blame her personally, but I voice that it affects me a great deal when she makes such changes without me knowing a day in advance. (While I express this anger I remain professional at the same time.) But slowly, the adrenaline wave is ending. A few minutes later, it’s over, my project work is done, and I’m a sobbing mess, unable to do my job of answering the phone while helping customers with their questions.

Luckily, I have a few great colleagues and team leads who know I’m in therapy for this reason, who also know I’m a schizoid, who know that I’m dealing with PTSD and who also know that I’m currently in EMDR treatment, which might cause things to trigger me more easily. So I just have to type to one: “having an attack”, and a few minutes later she’s calling me, and by then the anger is over and it’s a sobbing attack, and I explain through my sniffles and tears that I exploded, over what I exploded, and she’s immediately like: “Okay, what do you need to do right now in order to get over it?”

I state that it’s very exhausting, and that sleeping it off might be good. She agrees. It’s about 9 o clock, I go back to bed, and at 1 PM I am back at work, answering the phone, still exhausted, but at least able to answer the phone in a composed way again. I quit at 5 PM and by 6 PM I’m in bed again, sleeping. My productivity level in the afternoon was low, but at least I contributed in some way.

The Thoughts That Come With The Exhaustion

I feel most of these outbursts in my body for two days. The first day it’s like I just ran a marathon in a period of 3 minutes or so. The second day it’s like I ran a marathon the day before. :-P It’s just very tiring to have these outbursts. It drains my energy and my emotions.

At first there is anger, but almost at the same time there’s also guilt. There’s sadness and defeat. I remember the thought process of my last outburst very well, since it was only a few days ago. It was something along these lines:

“Schizoids aren’t ambitious people. You know this, but you also know that if you want to get your own place, not just rent it, you need to earn more. So you have to prove yourself. You have to work harder. You have to be more sociable. And you’ve been trying just that. This project is a way for you to prove you can tackle important work and maybe that might earn you a promotion in the future. That’s part of why you’ve been doing so much overtime for this project. And it’s a nice project. You like the project. But now that you’re having this attack, you’re only proving that you’re weak. You’re proving that you’re unstable. You’re proving that you need to remain at the lowest possible rank in this company because you can’t be given responsibility with this attitude. Not that you want to be a lead, but how can you be in charge of this project or any other in any way with these outbursts? What if you’d been doing a presentation to the CEO of the company about the project and you had such an outburst? What if he saw that? Not only would he want you gone, it would reflect badly on your coworkers and the team leads that are giving you this opportunity. They’re being patient with you, but it can’t last. At some point, they’ll have had it with you and they’ll see that they can only use you at the lowest possible responsibility, in a job where you’re easily replaced if you have an outburst. They’re good people, but capitalism doesn’t work on charity. In the end it’s about profit and you need to make sure you’re keeping up with the rest. You can still keep up with the rest, but you can’t prove to be more, so you’ll be stuck at the low-level income jobs for the rest of your life. Forget the ambition. It’s not real ambition. You have no ambition. This is why schizoids aren’t ambitious: because it’s defeating to always end up back at the low-level entrance jobs. Most schizoids don’t have jobs for longer than a few years, you’ve proven that time and time again before you landed this job. None of your jobs lasted very long. That’s why we forsake ambition and learn to just do our damn, miserable jobs. We can’t deal with the stress of climbing up the ranks. We can’t deal with the competition because we hate confrontation. So we just take a step back if someone louder and more aggressive says they want the job. Over and over again. No matter our talents. No matter if we have the capacity to out-think and out-work them on our best days. We can’t deal with the confrontation. We have no healthy way to deal with confrontation because we’re damaged in some way. We’re terrified of bad environments. We don’t want our work place to turn bad, so we always take a step back. Give up everything for the good of the group. To keep the peace. Just like how you did as a child. It’s the only thing you know how to do. To try and keep the peace. At the expense of your own happiness. So you bury it, deeper and deeper. What is ambition? You don’t know ambition. What do you want? You don’t know what you want. Or you think you don’t know, because wanting something might mean fighting for it, and fights are bad. Fights make it not worth it. So you remain miserable. Maybe someone else said they wanted to do the job. Maybe that’s why you were taken off the task. You made a mistake the day before. You admitted to making a mistake in the project. That’s why you’re not allowed to do the project today. They’re mad at you. They’re just tolerating you to do it because they need more people to do that work. Make sure you will not get replaced. You like this project. You can’t argue about it. Just be glad you’re back on the project next week. It’s a very busy time right now and you’re letting them down, so make sure that you’re up and running again as soon as you can. You can not afford to be a schizoid without a job. Certainly not during a pandemic. You can deal with people better than most. You just don’t like it when they mess up your schedule without your consent. But that’s going to happen more often in the future so how on earth are you going to deal with it? You have no idea how to deal with it. You’re going to short-circuit again. You don’t know how to prevent it. Maybe EMDR will help. Maybe it will only make it worse. The therapist said it would be worse for a while. But is this linked to your first EMDR session of a few weeks ago? Nothing you discussed in your last EMDR session resembled this situation, so why would EMDR be triggering this now? The therapist said you would get more triggers, but is this one? You shouldn’t blame EMDR. It’s probably not EMDR, it’s just an anger outburst like you’ve had before. Just because you didn’t want it to happen, doesn’t mean it stays away. You knew this could happen. Some colleagues are probably so disappointed in you right now. Some might be wondering where you are, they need you on the phone, it’s busy. You need to rest, you need to be able to answer phones again in the afternoon, you can’t do that in your current state. Think of something else, don’t allow yourself to ruminate about it. It’s not in your control. Not yet at least. Maybe you’ll learn to control it. You’re never going to control it this way. How old are you? You’re going to be dead before you control it. You’ve got depression too. Why do you even care about getting better? Just give up already. You’ve got depression so you shouldn’t be fighting for anything. Certainly not for promotion or approval. You don’t have the energy for that or the capacity to take any hits, so why do you bother? Maybe you should have gone to your safe space, like you were taught for the EMDR sessions? But this was not EMDR related, was it? Besides, it happened too fast. You needed to send those mails, when would you have had time to go to your safe space? You can’t send mails AND go to your safe space at the same time. You needed to ride the wave of adrenaline to get the last bit of work squeezed out of you. You needed to get the word out you were having an attack, so they knew why you weren’t on the phone. You did well enough, you finished sending the mails, transferring the project in a decent way, and you sent them the message you were having an attack. That’s something. That’s all you could have done, you did well. Does the safe space help now? Who are you kidding, you’re too exhausted to go to your safe space right now. You can hardly focus on one emotion or thought, that’s how tired you are, you can’t go to your safe space. That requires energy and focus. You have none right now. What’s it going to help, you need to rest now. Think of something else. Think of something fictional. Try to sleep.”

Harmful Thought Patterns

There are a lot of harmful thought patterns I need to break. Any psychologist could probably find several out of the thought process above. According to my own psychologist, I need to stop telling myself “I’m weak” – it’s a lie about myself that I believe deep in my core. But between knowing what is a wrong thought and between not believing a wrong thought lies a world of difference. I still believe that thought. It’s one of the things we’ll be working on, though I have no freaking clue how we’re going to break that thought since it’s one of my core beliefs.

There is some paranoia too. I don’t have the Paranoid Personality Disorder, but I can have paranoid thoughts during those moments of great sadness and guilt. But usually those thoughts are only there in moments of stress and I can recognize them afterwards, and most of the times at the exact moment as I’m having them as a paranoid thought. For example, thinking they’re looking for reasons to fire me, thinking they’re punishing me for making a mistake, I know that’s not the case. It’s a fear I have that they would do those things, but I know that that is not what they did, that’s not reality. That’s just a bad thought process that pops up after an attack. It adds to the guilt and sadness. It’s not something that I think during a regular day, since I usually don’t feed any emotions.

Not every thought that comes after an attack is a lie. I do believe there’s a lot of truth in my thoughts as well. There is self-analysis in there that is not completely wrong. I get wiser as I age and with the schizoid label also come new ways to look upon myself and my thoughts and history. I am starting to understand better why I am not ambitious. I am starting to understand why I avoid confrontation.

And I think the attack, in part, is triggered by confrontation. When you go back to the part where I describe all the past triggers I remember, it were always moments of confrontation in one way or another. I just have no idea how to deal with confrontation, hence me having a full meltdown whenever I force myself to stand up for myself.

I’m so not used to standing up for myself, that the exact moment I say to myself: “No, you NEED to say what you think about this NOW, you can not just pretend nothing happened” is when I have the outburst with all the unpleasant adrenaline and tears that follow. My communication towards the other party seems to be correct though. I don’t think anything was wrong with the chat I sent my colleague, or when I tell a bitch to back off - I think it’s assertive. But having a breakdown every time you’re assertive, isn’t normal. That’s the issue. 

Had I decided not to confront my colleagues about how unpleasant it was to me that they changed my schedule, I might not have had the outburst, I think. (I honestly don’t know.) There’s the tiniest moment before the outburst, the fight or flight moment, where I need to make the choice. And it is a choice that I can make. I have agency in that moment. I can choose what my choice is, but I can not really choose the effect that comes with either option.

If I choose to flee, I’ll be relatively fine. Maybe a little shaken. If I do that, it probably adds another argument to the “you are weak”-narrative in my mind.

If I fight, there’s a possibility I end up at war with myself. In my thought process, I might be entering a war with everyone else. That’s usually not the case. People usually back off. (At least for a while.) But in my thought process, if I choose “fight”, it’s like I’m going to war. In that way, I do think that there’s a big link between my outbursts and some form of PTSD. I don’t see it clearly just yet, but I think I’m getting closer to a breakthrough of what it is.

A Link to Autism

I did not get diagnosed with autism. (Though we did the test!) However, the outbursts often seem autistic in some ways to me. Maybe people with autism experience it in a very similar way. Maybe they don’t and I’m just projecting.

(Just to clarify – before “autism” existed, people with autism all got the “schizoid” label. There are a lot of resemblances between the two. People with autism mostly distinguish themselves from a schizoid like me by not having the same social skills. Schizoids seem to have the skills more naturally while for people with autism it’s usually a skill they have to work on, like maths or languages is to neurotypicals. Or maybe it would be a better comparison to say it’s like they have dyscalculia while the rest of the world can do maths without much of a problem, but apply that comparison to how we as humans learn social situations. Another difference: Schizoids don’t want company, people with autism often do, but don’t know how to go about it. They both come across as asocial a lot of the time, hence some of the overlap between the two labels.)

But if you shorten what happened, if you say: “Her schedule changed last minute, and she exploded” or “A classmate insulted her, and she exploded” – that would seem autistic to some. A change of plans can really ruin the day of a person with autism since they prefer structure. People with autism can also really explode at bullies because they don’t know how to deal with them.

So if you shorten my trigger and my “explosion”, I think an outsider would say: “Oh that has to be autism. She can’t deal with change. She can’t deal with social situations.” My type of explosion is something that people with autism go through as well sometimes.

Sometimes it does make me doubt if it’s not autism for a part, but I suppose I should follow the opinion of my psychologist, and I do have to state that I don’t have a lot of difficulty reading social situations. I’m very sensitive to some situations even, feeling when some people can’t stand each other in a room without even talking to anyone. I think that’s something people with autism often can’t read from the room. I have been called a very good observer by some friends and colleagues in certain situations.

To End It

I’m not sure what else is left to say. Writing this has exhausted me as well, in a way. Going through emotions is hard for a schizoid. We bury them, deep. We don’t do it consciously, we just do it. Bringing it back to write about it, did bring a few of the emotions back. I did shed a few tears while writing this. (I’m not saying this for pity, by the way, just as an FYI to my state of mind while reliving this.)

An anger outburst brings the negative emotions to the surface. Anger (at the cause of the issue), guilt (about getting angry), sadness (about our own state of being), fear (of losing friends/our jobs/respect) are all negative emotions. You don’t want to have these on any day. Most days we don’t have any emotions. But on a day with an anger outburst we experience all of those emotions. In a matter of minutes. In an hour. And then we’re exhausted.

Not all schizoids experience this, and I’m not sure whether to envy those people or to pity them. Envy, because these emotions are all negative. Who needs that negativity in their life? But also pity, because it seems like they’re the only emotions I’m given in this life. Isn’t it sad that some have none at all?

I try to approach it positively and say “at least you have these emotions. If you have the negative ones, maybe the positive ones are hidden inside you as well. You just need to find the correct trigger to bring them out.”

Some schizoids say they don’t want to experience any emotions. I don’t think I’m one of them. I’d rather have a day without emotions than with only negative emotions, but I’d like to go back to positive emotions one day. I don’t want to fake being happy at a party, as I usually do. 

And if I can’t have emotions, then all that’s left is achievement in life. To make value in my life, to accrue wealth or status or experience. I don’t mind dying poor as long as I’m not miserable. But imagine dying miserable and weak and poor, that sucks. I don’t want that.

Take care, and remember, if you have anything to share, your own wisdom or your own experience, my askbox is always open.

[thotfuss]

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

[the-fiction-witch]

Satisfied

TV SHOW SEX EDUCATION

COUPLE OTIS X READER

RATING SMUT AF

I sat a little nervous with y/n from class as I thought she needed more therapy then just chatting at school she looked nervous too. In her little black boots, her striped purple and orange tights, her little black skirt with a zip down the front, her little band tee and her leather jacket on the sofa next to us, her hair done as usual her make up as usual too with her classic red lipstick.

"So when did it start?" I asked her

"I'm not sure, I've wanted to do it as long as I remember, I used to do it when I was little just because I liked playing with it" she explained

"Okay but when did it become and addiction? When did you start noticing withdrawal, stuff like that" I asked

"Uhhh maybe three years ago" she says

"Okay, any idea why?" I asked but she shrugged "okay... What sort of things do you do then? I mean you can't always do it right?' I asked

"I use anything, Washing machine, my bike seat, a table corner... Anything at all" she explained

"I don't think I've ever heard about a girl being addicted to masturbating..." I laughed

"It just makes me happy" she smiled

"Okay, give me a sec I just need to pop to the bathroom" I told her and she nodded so I went up to the bathroom and locked the door undoing my pants and starring at my Bonner

I couldn't help it y/n's so cute, and so sexy. Just hearing her talk about how much she masturbates makes me go crazy, I just wanted to hear her talk about it more I wasn't even charging her for tonight's session, I just wanna hear her talk about it more, I tucked my Bonner a little more making sure she wouldn't notice before I headed back downstairs I looked at the sofa but I didn't see her sat as I left her...

She was sat on the arm of the sofa having mounted it and was moving her hips back and forth her skirt loose hiding her hips but not restricting her in any way so she was tights to sofa moving her hips gently gasping for air I watched for what was likely a creepy amount of time

"Y/n!" I did making it look as if I had just see her

"Oohh I'm sorry Otis" she blushed moving off to sit as she was when I left

"I wasn't gone that long are you really unable to stop yourself?" I asked and she nodded

"You poor thing... How do you do anything?' I asked

"I don't, well I read one handed, I do homework with a vibe in me and I videogame with a magic wand" she explained

"Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh..." I stuttered unsure how to respond to that trying not to imagine what she described even if I knew I would once she was gone "give me a sec I think my mum has a book on this stuff" I told her heading to my mum's office shutting the door I sat on the chair trying desperately to get a grip on myself or we actually trying desperately to not get a grip on myself how am I meant to focus when she says stuff like that...

I found the book I wanted on female masturbation and I went back out to the living room however she wasn't on the sofa.

I looked around and I couldn't find her, but I saw the door to the deck open so I went and peaked around the door and I saw her. Her skirt laid on the decking floor,

She leant on the corner of the table facing the door, her boots still on her tights now completely revealed showing she had two holes in them, one for her clit the other for her pussy in those tights, everything else the same as she rubbed her glistening clit on the corner of the table gently moaning desperately.

I hid myself in such a way I could see her but she couldn't see me unable to stop myself watching her...

I smirked looking at her sexy little body as she ground on my table in desperation, moaning and screaming as she did, I snuck up behind her wrapping my arms around her waist holding her tight to me pushing my hard cock against her back as she gasped

"Otis I-"

"Shh don't want the neighbors to hear?' I smirked slipping a finger inside her dripping pussy making her squeal as I finger fucked her hard and fast pushing her hips with my own to let her continue to grind on the table "you like making yourself feel good don't you?" I growled "don't worry baby, I'm gonna make you cum' I smirked pushing her down on the table and slipping every inch of me inside her begging cunt.

I broke myself out my fantasy as it was just making me harder turning to the door

"Y/n!!" I yelled faking shock

"Shh oohh Otis I'm sorry" she says almost crying as she slipped her skirt back on

"Y/n...it's okay you clearly really have a problem, but if I can help at all I want to" I smiled making her smile too "I just have to remember not to leave you alone to long" I laughed making her giggle, I took her upstairs to my bedroom as we sat reading the book together even if she often nuzzled into my neck where she was clearly very very horny and I was struggling not to work into her being desperate myself closed the book going to put the book back and she gave me a little cheek kiss so of course I returned it but she giggled and gave my lips a peek, I gave her one too and before I knew it my arms where around her waist hers around my neck as we deeply kissed moaning into each other's mouth's as we did desperately pulling each other closer till I pulled back even if I didn't want to "I uhh I just have to put this back I'll be right back... I promise" I told her kissing her head as I got up "no touching" I warn as I stood at the door

"I'll try" she giggled playfully

"No y/n I mean it, no touching"

"Okay" she nods

"You promise?"

"I promise" she giggled

"Okay" I smiled taking the book back downstairs putting it back in the office I knew I was beyond desperate at this point unsure how exactly this night was going to go but I wasn't going to stop her now.

When I got back upstairs I heard a noise..

A odd noise.

I pushed my door open and I almost came.

As she laid on her back on my bed her skirt on my floor, her shirt on the bedpost, laid on her tights and her bra her legs wide open, one foot on the bedpost her hand fingering her dripping pussy, rubbing on her engorged clit her wetness was all over her hand and on my bed, the other hand groping her breast thought the thin bra. She nuzzled her head on my pillow squealing

"Uuuuuhhh uuuuuuuuuhhh Otis...." She moans

And I lost it.

I threw my shirt across the room slamming my door shut which made her jump looking up to see me even if her hand barely stopped I pushed her hand away and knelt on my bed kissing up her beautiful legs before making out with her beautiful clit burrying my head between her legs my hands on her arms and thighs holding her on place as she sqeauled and squirmed I didn't stop I didn't want to even if I knew I had surprised her, I ate her out for what must have been a good ten minutes before atlast I felt her sqeaul and squirt as she came against me.

She gasped for air her face reading of pleasure and satisfaction atlast my horny little baby was satisfied but I wasn't, I sat up spreading her legs further and she looked confused till I grabbed a condom

"Otis... Please... Enough," she pleads "I've had enough, I'm okay" she says

"Well I'm not baby, you wanted to cum... I'm gonna make you cum" I growled kissing down her neck and chest

"Otis no please" she begs till I slipped inside her

"My baby wants to cum again?" I asked and she nodded "that's my girl" I smirked....

[voidgremlin]

What letters are.

DW Exchange 2020 gift to @not-jodie-yet

This is tricky.

This exercise is difficult and I would like to inform Dr Jones, if she ever read those (she promised she wouldn’t) that it is difficult and not nice to ask me to work overtime.

As part of my therapy I was asked to write my thoughts down and this is hell.

I’m telling you. Giving me homework to do was not part of the plan. I didn’t dropped out to have stuff to do now. Even tho I did not dropped out on purpose.

It is supposed to help with my weird history, putting words on feelings and emotions, on moments of my life. I did tell her that some instant of my life are nearly metaphysical but she chuckled. I don’t think she believed me but according to her, some dude with a pair of glasses, my time with you was- Let’s say deeply eventful.

                                                                                                                                             I will get to it.

So I tried to do it at first, write it down but… Writing to no one is a little difficult. There’s no one you could imagine listen to you, answer, help you through those ideas. If I do not address those letters to someone, maybe the one who will read it will judge me harshly. And… I don’t want that. I want to be able to say the things I wanted to say. So…

So I thought of you.

                                              Actually I always think of you. It is a little hard to explain. But I will.

So letters ! This is the first one so sorry if it is a little… Non-sense.

Hello Doctor,

This is Rose Tyler, I hope you remember me. I was the annoying girl who helped you with the nestene consciousness. Ring a bell ?

Jokes aside I do hope you are still remembering me. In some way. We- did not talked things through like we should have. And I guess it makes our story an open ended book ? Forever.

That is not a good thought all thing considered. Let’s change of subject.

Letters are… Uhm… No, no, no… Let’s try again. Letters of the alphabet will compose words that we will speak and that makes sentences and… Sentences makes and moves worlds. Shaping it to something more, something better, something clever.

I think that’s what your words did to me Doctor.

I will get to it.

Doctor. Isn’t it weird that a title became a name so familiar on my tongue ? I have now hard time to go to a medical professional without feeling weirded out, I cannot call them Doctor.

Doctor, The Doctor this is your name. No one else.

See even here I can’t say it, write it at least. Weird no ? Well maybe not so weird. It’s like Rose, it was the name of a flower before being my own. But now, for myself and the people in my life, my world. Rose is not a flower, it is me. When they see a Rose, they might think of me and like that I have changed the world. Isn’t it crazy ?

You would say that: of course, I am one of the most important being in the world. Unique. Brillant even but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I still struggle with daily issues, normal issues, earthly ones like with groceries, parking tickets and the occasional toaster that refuse to function well. All of this despite working to save the universe. This universe at least.

By the way, this job, while not as fun as travelling with you of course, is one of the weirdest job I got and I worked in retail !

I think I explained to you how retail worked but I am not sure I explained it well or if you listened. It is alright if you didn’t. This was a boring explanation like… Well… Retail.

Anyway, do you know how many times I got send a document from whatever alien nation that is willing to communicate with Earth and got asked to translate it ? (Because for some reason the translation matrix from your TARDIS is still active ? I think it reshaped my brain.) Well I got documents so many times ! Sometimes it’s nothing diplomatic, it can be just advertisement: like this one time when I got one for something called Jud-Un ! It must be to shine horns or something. Didn’t understood on how it would work (and our Earthly Rhinos doesn’t need those. Do they ?)

Anyway, my point is someone should teach humans of the twenty-first century new alien languages, my job is only to kick ass and do weird action hero poses, not translate stuff ! But find me a teacher from the future that would accept going in the past and teach primitive humans how guttural a Judoon sounds. Future people are so snobby, they would never accept. When I proposed the idea some people in the agency told me that I could be the one doing it but honestly I don’t think I should be the one doing this kind of stuff. I am not made to be a teacher. The poor students ! Imagine their faces if me, a blonde drop out, would teach them how to speak Silurian. Terrible.

Or terribly funny. Now that I think about it, it does sounds pretty funny. I should do it at least one day. I will tell you about it in my next letter. I promise.

.

.

.

I want to say to you is that.

You made an impact on my life. Changed everything I was. For the better or the worst according to some people. I don’t agree to that statement. You didn’t meant to make anything worse. But… Sometimes intention doesn’t count.

I don’t really know.

Remember that date we had ? Wasn’t really a date, you told me it was an exploration of the unknown and the fantastic. But it was a fancy restaurant owned by this pirate man ? I think. I am pretty sure he explained his whole backstory to us but my memory of it, is kind of blurry. Or I just didn’t paid attention. I was watching someone else…

I do think it is a date though, I don’t know for timelord’s standard but for Rose’s standard it is. I remember how excited you were, dragging me to this underground place, the entrance looked like a cave and we went down and down following this guide pirate blabbering about how this was shaped by his great-great-great-32 times more great grandfather to reach a groundwater table and the poor dude dug a little too deep and ended up just below the water. Here he made the decision to make something else of his tunnel.

And it was at this moment, that he showed us the place. A cave with tables and red carpet, under a dome glass that showed the inside of the groundwater.

Do you remember it ? Neon Jellyfishes that with its bright lights illuminated the whole place. It was… Beautiful. Gosh how beautiful it was. The soft lights illuminating your face and smile and the soft hum of the rock below us. We were at the center of the Earth. Eating dinner and observing creature of the big deep. Of course it went sideways, with a murder mystery but…

You showed this to me and I still dream about this sometimes. Holding your hand under those creature of the sea. Those images are part of me now.

I hope you showed this to only me. Because otherwise I will rescind our friendship card.

Friendship uh? That is one way to call it.

I had friends who became lovers and lovers who became friends. And I have you.

And you are something else entirely.

You are… Impossible to describe. So vast, so wonderful. So clever and funny. I mean you are literally magic ! You travel to everywhere and nowhere. You give people hope, solutions to problems bigger than just you. And definitely bigger than just me.

And I was part of it. I still am, in some way. Part of it. Not the same level, not the same grandiose and definitely not the same taste to victory.

It was special with you. It was personal, it was beautiful and we won. We won so many times. We made them smile, we made them hope of better tomorrows and sometimes we kicked butts.

We knew secrets to the universe, while people kept running around blindly. We know so much more. And we helped. Somehow.

I miss this, this superiority, this knowledge of the future or of technology that made our adventures a lot less like stumbling on something new but like opening a gift and enjoy what was inside.

It is not quite like that now, similar but… I don’t know much. I know enough to get me out of tricky situations, not enough to help everyone else.

Do not worry, I will learn.

I do not love you for only those adventures but also on how you see me, you watch me try to make an union in outer space and I know you have this goofy smile and this pride. You gave me opportunities to prove myself, to be kinder when I didn’t thought possible before. To be more clever, showing more than one way to be intelligent. And I … I thank you for that. I always had it in me but I didn’t saw it before you saw it for me.

I think that’s who you are. In all your default and weirdness and pain. You always dig for something of worth in other. Putting it on the forefront, making it part of our identity, fully.

Making us more.

Making me, Rose Tyler again but with more pride in my voice. Those gifts are… priceless to me. And I can see the future with more faith in myself, not being let down by any bumps on the way. I know I can do it. I know. I will do it.

I just wish to do it with you by my side. Seeing you smile is addictive and seeing you proud and happy is such a beautiful goal.

Your smile sometimes light up more than one face.

You trusted me with so many things, so many secrets. And I trusted- trust you with so many of mine. I don’t think I can do that with anyone else. You were my person. You are my person. And I still hold the wish to see you again. Just for that one smile.

I am sorry, it ended that way. I was maybe too daring or maybe it is just fate. In the end I am not stuck in a bad place… Just a place without the Doctor. With less magic.

It ended abruptly, our call, last call. And I wanted you to say it. Make it real with your magic words that shapes universes. You couldn’t.

I guess that is what I want ? A way to close our story ? Make all the hardship and difficulties and joy and happiness means something ? Because to me. They meant the world. They were my world. But It won’t make any sense without you reciprocate at least a part of those feelings.

Can you say it ?

Can you tell me what you wanted to say ?

Can you give me …

Nevermind.

In hope that this letter find you well and loved.

You have, my dearest Doctor, all my love and all my wishes for better tomorrows in your future.

                                                                                                                                                            Rose Tyler.

Dear Ms Tyler.

Rose ? How does ? Hell hold on. I am struggling with the voice to text option. It is hard to find words. I will just… Two seconds, I will get rid of this and type it down like a human. Seriously guys you should develop telepathy one d-

Done.

Dear Rose,

I have no idea how you managed to send this letter or if you meant to send it to me, through parallel universes. I do not know how and it worries me, please confirm in some way that all is well on your side of the multiverse.

I am pleased to hear that you are well and seeking a medical professional, it is good. And do not worry about the non-sense of the letter. I really make sense myself, in real life. So we are even.

You are right, I do think of you when I see a rose as well as any orange tabby cat. I think of you. You shaped my universe in so many little ways. Who knows how much ripple effect it will have in the future. Maybe I will be a blonde just like you. (Again but with more hair styles).

We will see.

Rose Tyler inter-spacial translator ! My dear you have so many talents ! I won’t be surprised if one day they tell me you are the president of the universe. It is so amazing that you are able to do such things ! And please tell me how the class of Ms Tyler went ! I want to know about it !

I remember it, the neons jellyfish, the cave. It was beautiful and you were beautiful. And it was not a date just… Okay well maybe it was a date. But … This location is only between us. I haven’t shared this with anyone. It was a good moment, a beautiful moment. And I want to keep it between us.

Rose, you are many good things. You are kindness, Fun and love. You are impossibly brave, wonderfully gentle and clever. My Rose, you are everything to me. You helped me through so much hurdles.

But my life is long and tortuous, many people to love, many people who loved me. Loss, Found and everything in between. Words doesn’t always encompass, the feelings or the memory it should carry. That’s I don’t say the things that should be said and drown everything else with words.

You know me. Enough at least to not need things to be said. But what happened did not just put us apart, it also, as you as said, ended our story and you are right. Now is the time where things need to be said. Truthfully, openly. With honesty.

My dear Rose, I want to say, that in all our moments together, there is not one I cherish less than the other. That you are part of me and you will always shape my world in some ways, no matter how far away in time we are apart. I will carry you with me forever.

Rose Tyler, words on the paper will not share all the weight of my care for you and the wish to see you again and well. I will keep this hope until I am not of this world.

In hope that this letter reaches you, in some way and that no cataclysmic event is about to happen.

Rose Tyler, I love you.

                                                                              Your Doctor.

[salvatoreschool]

'Legacies' EP Brett Matthews Teases How Characters Face Their Demons in Film Noir Episode (Exclusive)

It's an episode you do not want to miss!

Titled "There's a Place Where the Lost Things Go," Thursday's Legacies sees Hope (Danielle Rose Russell), Josie (Kaylee Bryant), Lizzie (Jenny Boyd), MG (Quincy Fouse) and Rafael (Peyton Alex Smith) transported to a fabulous film noir world.

In order to deal with all their recent traumas -- including Kai Parker's return and a black magic-filled Josie -- Emma (Karen David) makes them participate in a group simulation where they confront their conflicts head-on or risk the game's consequences. However, like most situations, things don't go as planned and the students come face-to-face with something they never imagined.

ET caught up with executive producer Brett Matthews, who also co-wrote the episode with Mark Ryan Walberg, where he shared the inspiration for the episode, why Professor Vardemus (Alexis Denisof) has returned and teased if there could ever be something more between Hope and Rafael.

ET: What was the inspiration for this episode?

Brett Matthews: It really goes back to a class I took in college at Wesleyan University... Film noir is a genre that will stay with me forever and is something very near and dear to my heart that I never really thought the right opportunity would present itself in this way to explore. I'm really glad it did. It's like an itch I had since I graduated college that I finally got to scratch.

What will surprise fans most about it? Is this a one-off episode or how will this push the narrative forward?

We don't really do one-offs. We do a lot of format break episodes, but we only do them when it's really the best way to explore the characters' journeys and the things that all of our characters are going through as they come to a head. A format break episode or a special episode will do that better than a conventional one. That's when the time's right. So absolutely we are telling this episode because it's where our characters are at coming off of [episode] 12 and 13, and really traumatic events. It's a group therapy exercise that kind of goes awry. It always starts and ends with the characters and they got us into it and the discoveries and revelations that they experience in the film noir world will come to influence them on the other side, when we're back to our normally scheduled program.

Is there a reason everyone has their distinct characters in this episode? Is there more than meets the eye with their film noir roles?

Yeah, everybody is sort of at a point in their emotional journey for the season, where they have some things they have to face, and the therapy sort of puts them in a role which allows them to make the discovery that their, sort of, person needs to learn from, move on and process. Film noir is a really good fit because it has all these tropes and archetypes and it was really fun. Mark Walberg and I, who I wrote the episode with, who's our script coordinator here, really got those characters into those different types based on where they are coming from and where they were headed for the rest of the season. That's really the "why" of who's the movie starlet, who's the gumshoe and who's this. I got to say, it was really fun to put Quincy Fouse's MJ sort of front and center in an episode. That was a really neat opportunity. We really enjoyed to be able to do that.

We see Alexis Denisof's Professor Vardemus back, I thought he was gone? Am I wrong? What's his role in this?

[Ryan] Clark took Vardemus' identity at the beginning of the season and [this episode] sort of gives us the answer to where Vardemus has been this whole season, which is his mind has been locked in the therapy box and his body has been stowed in the school. And inadvertently, the kids end up setting him free and we finally look forward to getting to know the character of Vardemus as Vardemus, and not someone pretending to be him. [We will learn] who he actually is, a scholar with a bit of an edge, who's lived a really interesting life, but has a really great amount of knowledge to share with Alaric and other educators at the Salvatore School. We just really love Alexis and what he did with the character, so we're excited to begin exploring this new facet and get to know the actual Rupert Vardemus.

So he will be sticking around for more episodes?

Yeah, we hope so. We obviously have a lot of characters to service and that's always the hard part about running a television show, there's never enough time. But Vardemus is just a character [we love], and Alexis is one of the kindest, most professional actors you hope to work with in this business. [Creator] Julie [Plec] and I really love what he's doing and he is a character you will see pop up here and there, and we would love to explore more in the future.

Landon is not in this episode, but we see Rafael and Hope together. How much tension is there between them and is this foreshadowing them getting closer in the future?

I think that Raf's takeaway from this episode is that he is part of a very deep mystery that disturbs him and that he needs to get to the bottom of, and obviously feels uncomfortable enough about it that he is lying to people about it. And so, that is sort of what's forefront in Rafael's mind, but he does have this deep relationship with Hope and a super neat and profound relationship with Landon. Both of those characters will help him unwrap and get to the bottom of, and hopefully solve, the situation he's found himself in.

We've seen Josie, Kaylee Bryant, just come out of her shell this season, from a sweet, kind and shy girl to this badass, evil villain. How has it been working with and getting that dynamic range from her?

Kaylee is a wonderful actress and it's not real hard. Dark Josie really makes a lot of sense because it's just that repressed part of the character she usually plays. Josie is a selfless character and puts others above herself, and I think it's a very human thing to have that part that says, "What about me?" or somebody always putting off their own wants and desires, and that often comes to a head and people often snap. That's a little bit of what she's going through. So I think for her it's probably a little more hand and glove than it would be for somebody coming from the outside in because our actors really do inhabit their characters and live in their skin year-round in a way another person doesn't. I think it made a lot of sense to her and then to translate that to the physicality and the surface menace of it all. I think she's doing a great job with it.

How was the cast's reaction when they saw this script for this episode and started getting into their wardrobe?

I think they always enjoy the format break episodes because they allow them to really just do something fun and exciting, and I feel like the whole crew feels that way about it as well. Like Julie said, when I gave her the script, she's like, "They're not going to know what film noir is," and I said, "Well, I don't know if it's that large of a problem." But we did pull a couple landmark film noir episodes that we thought really encapsulated the genre and everybody watched them and did their homework and very quickly, whether they had prior experience with the genre or not, understood what it was and really gave it 110 percent, as did our director Mike Karasick. But the cast, like they usually do, gave it their all and made it shine. I'm sure it was fun for them because of wardrobe and they got to be in another world for an episode and those are always fun for everybody.

Will fans get to see another themed episode like this in the future?

We'll have another one or two over the course of the season. We're doing a really big, exciting musical episode this year, as we try to do one every year. So we're working on that one now and that's something that sort of revisits our history as a franchise. We're very excited about that. So you can definitely look forward to that one and seeing all your favorite characters singing and dancing and all that good stuff.

Last question, both Ian Somerhalder and Michael Malarkey told ET that they would love to work on Legacies. Ian wanted to direct an episode, while Michael wouldn't mind reprising his role as Enzo. What are your thoughts?

I love both of those guys! They are part of our family and like we say to all our members of our family, the door on Legacies is always open. All they gotta do is give me a call and I will certainly, always take that call. I'll always be interested. In terms of characters, you want to make sure that you have enough, you know, like, Vampire Diaries and The Originals, they had their own endings. So just on a character level, it's always a case-by-case basis to make sure that they're respecting the integrity of our cast, but god, if there's a way to do any of those things, we're always inclined to do them. It's just the people you know and the relationships you form and that makes up for the long hours and all these things. We're very lucky people to have worked with so many wonderful, talented artists and we would love to work with them all again in the future.

Legacies airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on The CW.