#long time no see IM BACK YET AGAIN
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HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL i say seokjin sporting a red undercut for his solo album in 2024 LESSGOOOOOO
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wizard of the sky
#pokemon#swsh#champion leon#ft. charizard#another wizard leon. hi its been so long#Im sketching! the next piece for work! and this is yet another break#I also did like two government gigs back to back this week lol. yall will never see any of that but#thats whats been attacking and biting me#but well! thats done with and this is too and I'm okay to do my work again lol#this is! literally the most basic design lol I just wanted to color something#and I love this blue-pink-orange range so. easy decision there#okay. its time for my cake break. and then sleep#have a good night lads! take a look at the sky sometimes
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg
#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp#How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white#Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker#I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her#Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy#or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab#I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them#its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp#Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl#That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine#I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol#I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO#I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days#also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure#Anyways#Love angie for life#Gow#god of war ragnarok#rant
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the school arc to me is so good because it drags ciel out of his position as a powerful figure and literally places him in the shoes of the person he could have been. the circus arc ALSO drags him out of his position as big bad queens watch dog/head of the phantomhive estate but the school arc feels like a mockery of a future that never was. this is what he could have been had his parents not died. and even then its NOT because he will never be that kid.
he never was.
#ramblings#incoherent beyond belief its 4 am#and im trying to avoid manga spoilers#might add a reblog with more coherent thoughts when i wake up but im off my meds so i cant promise anything#actually correction im being vague w the manga spoilers#manga readers know whats up#idk if there are any anime only ppl who havent been spoiled on The Plottwist Ever yet#but i figured there will be new fans and though im not tagging this it might still get seen so#cant WAIT to see our boy absolutely miserable in animation form should they recreate that arc LMAOOO#which ofc is after the germany arc so thats still a long time away#but STILL. itd be fun i need to see this young teenager lose his mind in color with sound#him relying on sebastian to do all his fag duties (sorry. dredge) so he can work his way up the social ladder#trying to gain power while simultaneously proving that he cant do anything but rely on others#hes always needed help in basically every way and he hasnt CHANGED he just got a demon to do it for him#he learns to lie and charm and cheat and all the while hes a fucking CHILD WHO STILL STRUGGLES WITH NORMAL THINGS#ciel is my little baby and i love him deeply no matter how much of a little bitch he can be#his helplessness isnt just 'oh he was raised in british high society' its also that he never got the chance to learn anything#which to elaborate on that id also have to go into manga territory. iykyk#like absolutely at this point he just refuses to learn how to do things he has a pet demon to do it for him#but.#hi the phantomhives backstory is killing me again its so late#both atlantic and the school arc are just setup for the Big Arc but theyre very good in their own right i SWEAR#also when i rewatched the circus arc a while back and i realised how some scenes were shot#the heavy foreshadowing that i didnt realise. yk. 7 years ago or however long its been since i first watched it#CRAZY#if you are new. to kuroshitsuji. and you havent read the manga. dear god. read the manga#ALSO GRELLE IN THAT ARC IS SO BEAUTIFUL & OTHELLO IS TRANSMASCULINE. OKAY GOODBYE
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Cosplay photo dump from when I had attended MCM in London during May and I met Kevin McNally/Mister Gibbs which was absolutely amazing!!!! He was so lovely to talk to and it was surreal to meet him in person!
#tw: mun face#cosplay#[mun face]#pirates of the caribbean#jack sparrow#johnny depp#disney cosplay#as you can see i had aquired jacks hat and added it to my costume!#im going back to london for the same event at the end of october as jack again and i cant wait!!#im bringing his sword this time as im making his scabbard that will attach to my baldric hehe#and i still need to buy movie accurate boots sometime but i keep forgetting XD#also taking off the fake facial hair was yet another fun painful experience and it took me so long to remove the glue off my chin and jaw XD
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before i pass out for the night. since my brain is back on dan and phil as if its 2016 or something i need to put this out into the world. this isnt some sort of important life changing post, just a personal funny thing
so when i was 13 and fixating on dan and phil, i read a lot of fanfics. like, i guarantee that even after all these years that, if i had the statistics, that fandom was the one i read the most fanfics for and constantly. i couldnt tell you what nearly any of them were about, and i have a feeling that many of them are probably lost to time by now. i also dont know if i need to mention that yeah, a lot of them were shipping, and yes ive long grown out of that. (the dnp fandom is actually what made me grow out of that)
anyway all this to say that over the last 6 years after i stopped fixating on dan and phil, one fanfic stuck with me and i just. i think about it every once in a while. its been over half a decade. it wasnt a groundbreaking fic, i dont remember any quotes or specifics, just the premise as of at least the first few chapters. idk why it stuck with me
it was literally a fic about. if the world had gotten to a point where almost every child was born as like, a science baby instead of a natural baby, and phil was a science baby, but dan was a natural baby. and there was somehow this like, thing where the science babies would bully the natural babies for some reason idek, and this was a highschool setting and i think dan was a new kid in school. and what gets me about the fic is that dan was some small shy scared kid and phil was some mean jerk bully. and how wild that is compared to how they are in real life
this isnt me trying to find the fic or the person who wrote it or any of that, this is literally just. i remember this fic at least once every few months and i needed to get it out of my brain somewhere
#there are few fics that i remember several years after i read them the first time. this is one of them#depressingly. some of the fics that are on that list are most definitely gone by now#there was one in the vt fandom i still think about 6 years later that i loved. but the person who wrote it hated it :[#the others that are on that list off the top of my head are the hlvrai mermaid fic and the hlvrai alien weed fic#my brain latches onto the most random fics to remember forever lol#my post#dan and phil#<- tagging for blog purposes. not because i want people to see this#if you see this post. good for you i guess ajfjshd#bur seriously if you know the fic/author of what im talking about. i mean itd be neat to find it again. but dont bother them yknow#its also wild how thats like. such a dystopian novel premise. not in a bad way just a neutral way#i love the premises that people come up with for fanfiction. like. ANYTHING can be a fanfic premise and i find that so magical#i had a fanfic premise that was originally meant to be a dnp fanfic that ive long since changed to be an original thing lol#and its... a weird premise lol. at least i think so#anyway since this is the bottom of the tags and no ones going to read this. i gotta say i have so many thoughts on dnp fanfic culture#and my personal relationship with it which i think. my personal relationship with it was heavily influenced by me being like.#transmasc + mlm but not knowing either yet and how wild that is to look back on#its why i love that one meme pic thats like. 'straight girls who fetishize mlm look like this in 5 years' and it shows a pic of jessie#jessie from breaking bad sorry the tag length ran out#but anyway im not gonna make full posts about that. just wanted to mention it somewhere lol
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finally making a story about a person whos obsessed with another person in their life to the point where they now have to learn how to be a person and figure out who they are when that other person isnt around
#my post#the lore is stored in the tags#the wondrous oc tag#misc oc tag#i used the word person too many times just now. ANYWAYS#so it starts out like. idk what the storys about yet actually.#but the important part is the narration. generic 3rd person pov. follows around one person and can only see that persons thoughts.#and then that person dies. and the narrator is distraught. it doesnt know what else to do because its whole world just died.#so it sits there a while. a long while. and at some point the narrator becomes tangible and real. an actual physical being.#and with its newfound life it decides it has to find a way to bring their person back from the dead#and idk the details but it happens and it works. and theyre back!#but the narrator doesnt just fade away again. the narrators a person now.#and shockingly its person does not like that some Thing has been following them all their life and just. describing what they do??? and#its really fucking weird that narrator still does that. out loud. and just always follows them around. and so the person basically tells it#to fuck off and leave them alone#and narrator once again doesnt know what to do. no more story to follow no more person to observe.#and this is where narrator has to figure out who they are. form their own bonds. be a person#and im so excited for this story :D#ive wanted to write something like this for a long time
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the way the passing of time and circumstances changing can simultaneously feel deeply painful and utterly healing
#mp#said goodbye to my ex in person for the last time before they move to vietnam for a very long time#and thanked them for everything#and they told me how much they love me and how grateful they are that we were together#like not in a 'i want u back' or manipulative kinda way just in a nice acknowledgment of the past way#cos after all i wouldnt have known all these ppl in my life including my current partner if we had never been together#and im thinking abt how this time last year i felt so hurt by the breakup i could barely comprehend feeling happy again#and now im just happy for them and the thought of not seeing them for a long time is something i am calm and comfortable with#this weekend will be the anniversary of me meeting my current partner which wouldnt have happened if i hadnt been so miserable i turned up#to the bar my ex was working purely bc i couldnt bear to be on my own#and my current partner was also working the bar and the rest is history#anyway#yeah. weird to think how different this october is to last years#when i was doing coke almost every night bc it felt like the only way i could distract myself from being utterly miserable#it feels good to be moving forward and yet so painful to think about how the past can become so far away so quickly
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Hey Lolly, what are your thoughts on this Ganon so far? From what you've seen of him.
weeeeeell- ive seen the opening cutscene. i dont have many opinions yet fsdhjlfshl the murals looked badass, he looks crusty, he looks like he's been dead-not-dead for A While. i think he might be voiced by matthew mercer. i'll get back to you fnsdlfhsdssdfhlsdfh
#im not very far in the game and i /just/ got back home and have access to the switch again fsdhflsdhfl it sounds like he plays an important#role and im excited to see what it is#i desperately want to get a good look at those murals from the beginning again but suspect i wont#or at least for a long time#youtube is a minefield because even if i dont click the videos i still see thumbnails so#i think i'll like him#but i just dont know yet#asks#bliz rambles#totk#tears of the kingdom#muwutuals#maddymayhearts
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*gritting my teeth clutching the sink avoiding eye contact in the mirror* I love academia I love learning I love my chosen field of study I love research I lo
#coauthor finally got back to me and essentially wants me to rewrite the entire thing for a third time and also submit to a diff journal#my advisor was like that journals way too hard to get into but we'll see what happens so#coauthor was basically like well youre early career so i dont think you really get whats going on yet#which is only helpful if he also offers a better direction which he has historically not done#this time he actuqlly gave edits to the paper instead of just being like 'nah' so theres minor progress#but my long weekend is just going to be completely rewriting this AGAIN and im big mad#woke up 50 minutes before my alarm this morning just muttering to myself about the cyclonic mode of the arctic ocean its getting bad#phd consuming my life hours
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sometimes i forget how distinctly american my mother is, and how we are generally a product of our surroundings
#personal#just found out she’s pro-military!!! and she was accusing me of being anti-military because of watching x files. like girl i am 10 episodes#into this show. i have had these views for a Long time (VERY specifically about the us military). and im just like. damn. like yeah of COURS#it’s not plastered everywhere. ‘give me some peer reviewed articles’ i would but i just cant bring myself to get the energy to get stuck in#this exhausting npd abuse loop again (sounds exaggerated but im basically falling for exacerbating the situation. which is why it’s always#hit me the hardest i guess. because she Will just straight up either not mention it ever again or just simply deny it. and i’m not exactly#educated enough on the subject to remember specific points. my memory has been destroyed BECAUSE of this kinda shit and i cant recall decent#argument points anymore. not that i even particularly want to!!! read up on all this shit!!!! oh and even realizing that she was Definitely#seeing me as an Extreme. like girl what. i forgot that npd does that#reminds me of how. she’s very liberal. she was the one who got me out of the closet in the first place (bc i wouldnt do so myself)#and yet the other day. i swear she said something that was almost terf rhetoric#FUCK i HATE that my memory has already scrambled it. fuuuuuck and here i thought my memory was coming back#but it was something along the lines of implying that men Would try to get into women’s shelters etc in a skirt or smth and i#i just stopped talking i was so shocked#god. sorry didnt mean to vent lmao but im. hhh im just Tired yknow?#mandont
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actually im feeling a little bit ill over the fact that its actually done now
#long tag ramble ahead#personal#like fuck man when i clicked on my first video (that i then clicked off of) i wasnt even in grade 12 yet and now im in my second year of uni#and it feels like so much has changed but as silly as it sounds. this is one of the things that has kept me grounded through it all#the theorizing the analysis the constant possibility of a lore stream. and now its gone. and ill never see these characters again#im just not used to being into things as they happen i guess. i normally get into long-term media after it ends + this is one of my longest-#lasting interests ever AND it was ongoing the whole time i was into it? yeah its upsetting that its over now. just a little bit#btw this is probably almost entirely because ive really gotten back into it this past week specifically#had this happened a month ago i might not even have watched the streams. but being on break had me thinking about it to an extent i havent#since probably... march? like it felt like 2020 again for me#idk im just being nostalgic. and i want a new big interest but im not ready to move on from this and dont have the time to let something-#-else consume me so ig im stuck longing for december 2020 again lol#really overall though im just happy that this series of streams let me recapture the joy and excitement this smp used to give me again#if only for like... 12 hours
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Ouuu why do I gotta be blind and need glasses that are fucked up and won’t fix no matter how much you adjust them
#vent#cryin bout the glasses again cus I’m soo cooool and normal#uhhhggggg these ones are NEW REPLACEMENTS for the last NEW ONES I got cus they were FUCKED UP#and the spring hinge DIDNT WORK so now I got NEW new ones where the hinges work#but SIKE they’re STILL fucked up. now you get them slightly wonky on your face and still tight!! :)#oh and also you are annoying everyone around you because you’ve gotten glasses adjusted like 5 times in less than a month#and no matter HOW they are adjusted whether they’re WIDE or WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE. they are Always#too tight on your face BUT they still slide sometimes and you want to throw yourself off of the roof so you don’t have to deal with it#fcking fuxk ugh bullshit stupid ass glasses I need to see so my eyes won’t hurt but the trade off is my head hurting and people getting upse#at me for continuously needing adjustments cus I TOTALLY just want to keep going back over and over again and sit there for a long ass time#as they heat the damn things and make adjustments that LOOK like they’d do something yet they DONT FUCKIBG FO ANYYYTHIBG IM SO PISSED OFFFFF#ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY I CANT DEAL WITH IT I CANT FUCKING DO IT. AGHHHGGGGGGF FUCJKXKXKTF WHYY#I LITERALLY!! ALREADY HAVE THE SAME PAIR !!! ALL THAT CHANGED WAS MY LEFT EYE!!!!!!!! BUT APPARENTLY WE CANT JUST SWAP THE LENSES OR SOME BU#BULLSHIT CUS!! FUCK ME I GUESS ITS NOT LIKE IM THE ONE WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!! I was so excited to get my new prescription so my#eye wouldnt hurt but I’m just not allowed nice things ig. these ones are worse than the last ones I just. I don’t fucking know what the deal#is or how to fix it like if they were just slippy? that’s fine I can work with that but they’re TIGHT and can’t fucking DEALL. AGAGGGAGGGGGG
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the most dangerous part of having a pet au that u never seriously work on except think abt it to ur writing playlist as u drive is that. you develop it. and it gets better. and then you really really want to write it. and you're in danger
#laughs in 5 ongoing fics#to be fair. i started them in 2019 and have updated them only like twice#so my readers know i am very slow#however thats why i can only talk abt this on this blog. bc if those guys find out im indulging other ideas i will get#well. nothing. nobody talks to me and only like 5 people actively keep up with me#but i will disappoint those mutuals and have to commit seppuku#anyway its precisely bc the bnha ending was so milquetoast that i have evolved this stupid fic#ah yes the story abt the children suffering due to the wrongs of the adults and trying to fix or burn the world and dying for their parents#ends with... nothing changing#and in fact. the parents get redeemed where the children must die#however. a story where that happens AGain however the main weapon of the children against the system is the reanimated no1 hero?#yeah.......#children who are hurt and angry and have the power to do something serious about it is my fav shit. sorry#and u know who has to fix it all and burn it all down properly this time? the guy with severe issues.#fellas is it gay to fall in love with your best friend and rivals reanimated corpse who came back wrong#however its still the closest you'll ever get to having him back#but you cant tell him you love him bc he;s not the same. he's not the one you've always loved#and then loving him as the monster they turned him into feels wrong but you do it anyway#he died for the system you're upholding even if its wrong. what are you supposed to do#now he is literally destroying that same system. do you choose your boss or do you choose the guy that used to know u the best in the world#i havent decided yet. i got distracted by the tragedy#anyway th story is that our protagonist ends up in possession of the reanimated hero bc of a quirk mishap kind of#and to curb his aggression to anyone that isnt the protagonist . they get him to play league of legends#bc he can vent his violent tendencies without anyone actually getting harmed. and accidentally becomes a ranked player#he doesnt eat or sleep so all he does in the handful of hours the protagonist has to crash is absolutely wreck shit online#“hey can i come over and see our friend who came back wrong?” “no the sight of a human will send him into a kill spiral.#however you can play video games with him as long as u dont mind getting killed a million times."
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ah yes a vicious cycle
me: has a obsession that has been going on for three years
also me: hates the obsession with a burning passion
also also me: only has daydreams about it much to my dismay
WHY AM I LIKE THISSSSSSSS
#also also also me: hates myself for having it#dove rambles#bro i need to sleep i keep feeling like a shit person for having this obsession#i was temporally saved last year#AND THEN IT THREW ME RIGHT BACK INTO THIS#i wanna cry#like wtf#and yes im going to keep it unnamed because I AM ASHAMED OF IT#i blame tiktok#and quarantine#those two bitches ruined my life and yet made it manageable AT THE SAME TIME#i wanna be normal again#but i know as soon as i am im going to feel like i just lost apart of myself#and yes i've tried finding better shit out there#but it only lasts for so long#and then im back here again#the only way to stop it is to finish the series#but i keep seeing posts saying to just abandoned altogether#so idk what to do#i think i need to go to therapy again#because what can a teenager do#i cant talk to my mom about it shes sleeping rn and when i do talk to her about it she tells me that im silly and to just keep reading#and its so embarrassing talking to my dad about it#and he's also at work rn#and my sibling is asleep too and wouldnt know how to respond#and everytime i do talk about it i feel like crying my eyes out#and crying in front of people is so embarrassing#for some reason#and i kinda just stopped talking to my online friends#because im not in their fandoms anymore
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