#lol in that case i will not be surprised if she flops

[hungharrington]

*clears throat* okay!!!!

but imagine the next time you two are apart (probably a day or two but it’s enough), imagine you decide to be the one that jumps him and kisses him all over and make sure you’re the first to say how much you missed him? you use his “how dare you get prettier” discourse on him and kiss him first and call him sweet names before you drag him home. poor boy would be flustered and with his cheeks on fire / pink and breathless and i bet he wouldn’t be able to form words 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

oh just y e s - 1.4k, gn!reader i believe, this fic describes a blowjob and as always, MDNI this entire blog is 18+

He's not expecting it. It makes it that much better.

When you sneak down the aisles of the Family Video and spot a certain ass, in a pair of tight jeans that should be illegal, bent over to reach the bottom shelf, your heart sings. You let Steve straighten up, watching him closely as he dusts off his hands and then places them on his hips, leaning into one. Classic Steve pose. You can't wait any longer.

You strike.

Striding down the aisle as quickly as you can, you reach out and grab his shoulders, using the momentum to propel yourself up and cling onto his back - like a piggyback he's given you a thousand times before. Steve startles, but even then, he catches you. Hands come up under your thighs and his face is holds a smidge of that bitchiness you love.

It wipes away in an instant when he realises who it is.

"Baby!" He exclaims, his grip on your skin tightening. Excitement lights up his features- softening when you grapple closer, kiss him on the cheek, and say, "surprise!" with your best grin.

"I thought you weren't—“

"—Coming back til the weekend?" You interrupt. You smother kisses along his jawline, anywhere you can. You're beginning to feel a bit breathless by the time you pull back to speak again and Steve's eyes look oddly misty in their fondness. "Missed you too much. Came back early."

Steve lets go of your thighs and without his support, you sink down his back sluggishly, hands still tangled around his neck. He's turning quickly, his hands seeking out to tug you closer. They slide up along your jaw, cupping it sweetly. "Can't kiss you when you're back there, c'mere,"

It's maddening, the way he kisses you. Plush lips capture yours, soft and sweet, his fingers creeping along your jawline. His fingertips slide into your hair, tightening to pull you even closer.

When he pulls back, his pink cheeks give away his delight. You beat him to the punch on his own spiel. A frown knits together your brows as you reach up to hold his face, palms to his blushing cheeks.

"Hold on," You say. Steve's face flickers with concern. You turn his face in your hand, side to side, just an inch. "I thought we agreed you weren't going to get any prettier?"

Steve's cheeks darken from pink to crimson and try as he might, he can't hide his giddy smile with you holding his face between your hands.

"Stop," he chuckles, rolling his eyes lightheartedly. You shake your head and try to deepen your frown; your smile peeks through.

"I'm serious, Steven—"

"—Not my real name—"

"—I thought you were gonna tone it down, pretty boy. " You pout, reaching up to dot a peck on his nose. Steve looks at you unbearably soft, his grip growing slack as you continue with a grave nod. "You're doing a number on my heart."

"You're being dramatic." Steve says and it makes you grin wider.

"You love it."

It only takes one disgusted bleh! from Robin, who witnessed most of your strangely heartwarming reunion, to send Steve home early. Steve doesn't push his luck, just sheds his vest and blows a kiss to her as he leads the way out the door. You call your thanks over your shoulder, hands on Steve's shoulders, ushering him with a quick little go-go-go!

He doesn't ask why you're in any kind of hurry. There's no need to ask. When your back into your apartment, the door snicking shut behind you, you're upon him. Hands pressed against his chest like a panther sinking its claw into its prey.

Your lips find his skin, hot and heavy kisses along his neck and you can feel the way he pulls you close, pressing you up against him. You can already feel the shape of his hardness against your thigh. Desire flares hot in your tummy.

Steve huffs a breathy laugh, "Always against the door, huh?"

"Can't help it," you whine between your kisses. You give his neck a little nip, then soothe it sweetly with your tongue, basking in the sigh Steve gives. "Missed you."

"I-" He inhales sharply when your teeth scrape in just the right way. "Fuck, I missed you too, honey."

Your hand creeps on his chest, traveling down, down, til you can feel the waistband on his jeans — and then you keep going, fingers wrapping around the shape of him. Steve gives a soft groan, his hips pushing forward in your hand.

"Can I show you?" You say, putting on that sweet voice that just kills Steve every time. Peering up at him through your lashes, you watch his breath catch and his cheeks stay that glorious ruby red colour. "Will you let me show you how much I missed you, Stevie?"

You pair your words with a soft rub of his cock and Steve moans softly, eyes screwing shut. You're already sinking to your knees by the time he's remembering you've asked him a question. "Yes, yes, please, yes, you can."

The zipper scrapes audibly as you pull it down, shuffling clothes enough just to free his cock. Your mouth salivates just a little at seeing it again, even if you had only been gone for a total of three days. It's already leaking for you.

"Oh," you say softly, your hand wrapping around the girth of him. You move slowly, gently, thumb coming up to rub over his slit and spread his precum. A string of curses and moans escape Steve's throat. His hands clench tightly at his side. "So hard for me already?"

You're teasing him, just a bit. It works exactly as you planned — Steve shivers, his cock giving a little twitch in your hand. His voice sounds strained already when he speaks, "Didn't —ah— didn't touch myself when you- you were gone."

Surprise blooms in your chest and sets a fire in your belly, thinking of him waiting for you when you were away. Determination licks at its heels. You give his cock a more purposeful squeeze, adoring how he whines in response and lean up and give the tip a kiss, then a soft lick.

He moans again, raspy and long as you wrap your lips around it, your mouth hot and wet and perfect. You drool on his cock, letting yourself get it soaked as you suck on it gently — not taking him as far as you can. Teasing. Steve’s breathing is beginning to sound jagged, little whiny noises seeping into every breath.

You pull off with a slurp and use the slickness of your saliva to jerk him, your hand twisting perfectly on his cock to pull the most sweet and pathetic little noises out of your boyfriend. Your pace is nearly cruel how slow it is. Steve doesn't even dare complain, especially not when you whisper his name so he opens his eyes— and he sees you looking at up him from your knees. Beautiful.

"S’missed you so much," you say again, rubbing over his slit as you do, and Steve feels that familiar flare of heat in his cheeks as he chokes out a whine. You nuzzle against his cock, soft lips giving the smallest of kitten licks to the head of it and Steve can’t help it, he keens, giving a loud whimper. His lust is equally entangled with adoration.

"Missed this cock too," you say, beginning to pump your hand a little faster. Steve’s breath catches. "Missed hearing all the noises you make when you cum, Stevie— y'gonna let me hear them again?"

"Yeah," He whines loudly, hips chasing your grip, fucking his cock into warm, wet hand. It feels fucking amazing. Pleasure claws at his chest, rising rapidly.

He doesn’t even sound like himself as the next string of words pours from his mouth, all high and breathy— he must be so wound up from being away from you, "Yes, yes, gonna- fuck, gonna give you anything— anything you want."

Slowing your hand, there's only a moment for Steve to whimper before you take him back in your mouth and start sucking, cheeks hollowing. Your hand on his cock trails up, giving a soft rake of nails along his thighs before giving a soft rub on his balls.

Steve shudders violently, a gaspy moan warbling out his chest and the only warning you get is his hushed whimpery whispers of, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck," before he's spilling down your throat with a loud moan.

It drips from your mouth as you pull off, giving yourself some air as you take in the state of your boyfriend. It makes your feel down right carnal the way his looks slumped against the door, cheeks still coloured pink and pleasure written all over him.

You give him a minute before taking his softening cock back in your mouth, soft slow motions — Steve seizes up and whimpers loudly, hands reaching to pull you off him.

"Sensitive, christ," He pants a bit, gazing down at you. "S'too much, sweetheart."

You pout, turning to give his palm a little peck and give a little huff, then repeat your words from earlier. "Just missed you, baby. Won't you let me show you how much I missed you?"

Before you, Steve's cock twitches. You smile. It's going to be a long night.

[swagmagussupreme]

@whiterose-fans-blog White Rose in Bloom, Day 5: Fantasy AU

Jk it's the lazing in bed one. I've written 200k words of Whiterose fantasy AU lol, if you wanna read that, go here:

No content warnings for this one, just pure short fluff since work is On Some Bull Shit ™️ today. So without further ado:

Words: 879

Ruby hated Huntress’ Sprint. She hated infinity-scrollers in general because she should be studying instead of playing them. Alas, here she was.

The door slammed open. Ruby jolted, peering over the edge of her hanging bunk.

It was Weiss, her face bright red and eyes puffy. Ruby watched her shamble to the bunk below, then flop face-first onto the mattress, groaning. The team leader stayed where she was, despite the way her heart ached with sympathy— Weiss preferred distance. The amount of physical affection Ruby had gotten her used to was already a miracle. Weiss groaned.

Ruby leaned over the edge of her bed, ignoring the way it creaked. “Weiss? What happened?”

The heiress simply groaned.

“Was it Cardin?”

Surprisingly, Weiss shook her head.

“Oh. What was it, then? Did you get a surprise test or something?”

Weiss mumbled something into her mattress.

“Huh?”

Weiss patted her bed.

Ruby blinked. “What?”

Weiss aggressively patted her bed.

Tentatively, Ruby fell out of her bunk and smashed her entire idiot face directly on the floor, her features saved only by the grace of her Aura. That didn't make it painless. “Owwwwwww,” she moaned, peeling herself off the scratchy carpet. She found Weiss’ eyes staring more bemused than concerned, and tried her best disarming smile, which disarmed Weiss enough for her to flop her face back down into the mattress. “You… want me to sit with you?”

Weiss mumbled. Ruby took it as an affirmative— a denial would've been fervent and straight to her face— and crawled into the bed, sitting criss-cross beside her partner's head. Her hair was a mess.

Weiss dared to put a hand on her head, which didn't elicit any opposition. “What happened? You can tell me— n-not like you have to!” she hastily added. “Just, like, you can. If you want. I'm here to listen if you're here to speak. I'm also just… here. In case you don't want to speak. I can…” Ruby slowly moved her hand on Weiss’ head, stroking it in the same way mom used to do for her. “I can do this and be quiet. If you want. Y'know.”

Weiss’ head moved up, and Ruby immediately jerked her hand away, fearing vindication for overstepping their boundaries. A million apologies lined up behind Ruby's lips.

They all vanished when Weiss blearily grabbed her wrist and plopped her hand right back where it was, moving it back and forth demandingly. Everything in Ruby's throat died, leaving a hollow void that crept all the way to her chest. Nervous giddiness started to dance between her lungs.

“I had combat exams with Jaune today,” she groaned. “He beat me.”

Ruby rocked forwards to keep herself from recoiling back, which probably would've hurt Weiss feelings. “Oh,” was all she could manage.

The sky was green. Water was dry. Jaune Arc had beaten Weiss Schnee.

“How?” traitorously seeped past Ruby’s lips, which got a glare from Weiss. She didn't move the hand away, though, which was progress.

“Ruby, he threw me,” Weiss stated, her voice distant with horrified recollection. “He rushed me, slid over my ice— somehow— and he grabbed me around the waist and fucking threw me!” She weakly pantomimed such a toss. “I was so surprised I just… I couldn't get up in time and he got me. He got me. Me.”

Weiss sniffled, her hand dropping from Ruby’s wrist. Instinctively, the scythe-wielder’s hand moved to cup the back of her head, thumb gently rubbing her crown. “It happens to all of us,” she advised. “It's only our first year, there's plenty left to surprise us.”

“It's not supposed to happen to—” the heiress bit her lip, her shoulders hitching as she visibly held back a sob. Noticing this, Ruby let her hand drift down to Weiss’ back, where she patted between the shoulder blades. That opened the floodgates. “It doesn't happen to me-he-heeeeeee,” Weiss bawled, punching the mattress. “He— he’s just… a guy! Literal vomit-boy!” She wailed. “And I’m a scion of the Schnees! I— I got— f-fucking tackled, Ruby! There's gonna be videos everywhere!”

Ruby stared at her partner, mesmerized. She'd never seen Weiss open up like this, not to her, and she'd certainly never been allowed this close when she got so touchy. It felt a little wrong, almost, like she wasn't supposed to see this. “It… it's not okay now,” she tried to say smoothly. “But it will be. I promise.”

Weiss looked up at her, glaring wetly, snot dribbling down her nose. Her voice came out hoarse and thick. “What're you gonna do about it, huh?”

Ruby smiled at her. “We'll do more sparring, some hand-to-hand, even. I know I've been focusing on Crescent Rose too much, I need to focus on improving our skills. Together.”

Weiss grimaced.

“Next time he tries to tackle you, you're gonna be the one throwing him, okay?” Ruby moved her hand back to Weiss’ head. “I'll make sure of it, as your partner.”

“Not as our leader?” the heiress said, pouting bitterly.

Ruby schooled a serious expression over her face, her other hand moving to take Weiss’ with fervor. “No. As your partner.”

Weiss’ eyes went wide. She stared at Ruby. Ruby stared back. Through the crust of pain and tears and snot, Weiss blushed.

[swan-of-sunrise]

Hawkeye (Part II)

Summary: Clint reaches out to (Y/N) for help and after a visit with the physically and mentally taxed archer, she takes it upon herself to meet Hawkeye’s #1 fan and impart a little wisdom onto Clint’s young partner.

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings/Disclaimers: None

A/N: This week's chapter is a little longer because (a) I'm not sure I'll have Part III finished by next Thursday and (b) You guys deserve it!! There's a surprise character that'll pop up in the second half of this chapter and if you've seen Spider-Man: No Way Home, then I think you'll know who it is lol thank you for reading, I hope you all enjoy!

Hawkeye (Part II) December 21st, 2024 Apartment of Moira Brandon, East Village (Previous Chapter)

Out of all the Avengers she’d been introduced to during that fateful party at the Avengers Tower so many years ago, (Y/N) always had a secret soft spot for Clint Barton; he was equal parts kind and sarcastic, quickly noting the anxiety she’d been desperately trying to mask from the moment she arrived and taking the time to get to know her while simultaneously directing playful jabs at his fellow teammates. Their first meeting and team-up in the subsequent conflict with Ultron coupled with Natasha’s endless stories from their days of working together at S.H.I.E.L.D. cemented (Y/N)’s unbreakable trust in the archer, and it was that trust that led her to an average-looking East Village apartment building only four days before Christmas with a priceless and top-secret piece of S.W.O.R.D. technology tucked away in her messenger bag.

“Thanks for coming on such short notice, (Y/L/N),” Clint smiled as he ushered her into the temporary safe house, checking up and down the hall before locking the door and leading her into the cozy living room. “See any of those idiot Tracksuits tailing you?”

(Y/N) shrugged her winter coat off and draped it over the back of the couch with a humorless chuckle. “Nope, but I almost wish I had; I could’ve used a good laugh or two after that horrendous traffic jam on the Brooklyn Bridge.” She folded her pink scarf in half and tossed it on top of her coat, meeting Clint’s eyes with a sardonic smirk beginning to spread across her face. “Wouldn’t you know, some dumb-ass archer decided to impale a Pym Particle-infused arrow into the Manhattan Bridge and create commute hell for anyone traveling in or out of Brooklyn?”

Rolling his eyes, Clint flopped down onto the well-worn couch and sighed in exasperation; he looked exhausted, with darkened circles under his eyes and a noticeable cut on his forehead. “Still a smart-ass, I see. For your information, I shot a Pym Particle-infused arrow at a regular arrow and then it impaled itself into the bridge.”

“Well, either way, I thought you’d like to know that Scott got his ass chewed out by Hank for that little stunt,” She replied in amusement and sat herself down on the couch beside him, taking a moment to adjust her sweater over her small baby bump before rummaging through her messenger bag. “Apparently, Hank’s not too fond of his life’s work being used for – and I quote – ‘stupid shit you see on the eleven o’clock news.’”

The archer scoffed at that. “I once saw the guy use Pym Particles to enlarge a goddamn chicken sandwich, but whatever.”

(Y/N) laughed as she withdrew a small metal case and handed it over to Clint. “Back-up hearing aid, as requested; my coworker said that this is one of the best on the market, so you should be well-covered if yours ends up breaking again.” He nodded in thanks and slipped the case into his pocket. Her former teammate’s recent hearing loss as a result of years of work as a S.H.I.E.L.D. spy, Avenger and vigilante inspired her to seek out Brooklyn College’s underfunded but resilient disability resource center; she studied ASL and learned enough to not only begin teaching Steve and Carina, but to also pre-film her lectures for any hard of hearing student who decided to enroll in her Introduction to American Popular Culture course. “And I looked into that socialite guy for you…” Activating the transparent S.W.O.R.D. tablet – a parting gift from Nick Fury before he traveled up to the organization’s newly-built space station – (Y/N) allowed it to scan her handprint and read off the information she’d collected. “Jack Duquesne, born into the obscenely-wealthy Duquesne family that’s apparently descended from European aristocracy. Since he’s seemingly never worked a day in his life, he’s had enough free time to become an expert swordsman and accrue a pretty impressive sword collection; is that what he was doing at that black market auction the other night?”

Clint nodded as he studied the images on the tablet’s screen. “He wanted to add the Ronin’s sword to his collection; according to Kate, he ran off with it after the Tracksuits crashed the auction, and then he almost took my head off with it when we broke into her mom’s penthouse this morning.” When (Y/N) thoughtfully tilted her head to the side, his frown deepened. “What?”

“When I did a little more digging, I found out that Duquesne is listed as the CEO of Sloan Limited. It’s a shell company, one that launders money for none other than-”

“The Tracksuit Mafia…” The archer exhaled and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing a hand over his forehead. “Kate thinks that Jack Duquesne killed his uncle Armand. At first, I thought the idea of him becoming her stepfather someday was clouding her judgement but it’s looking like her instincts might’ve been right.”

Taking note of the stiffness in his movements and the weary tone of his voice, (Y/N) tucked the tablet back into her messenger bag as she gave him a sympathetic smile. “None of what I found out really helped you, did it?”

“It helped, (Y/L/N), it really did…” Clint hastily reassured her. “But I’m no closer to being able to go home for Christmas. I’ve got the suit and the sword, but Maya Lopez and the Tracksuits still have me and Kate connected to the Ronin and there’s a good chance that they’ve got Laura’s Rolex; I can’t leave until I track it down and figure out a way to stop the Tracksuits from targeting Kate, and I’ve gotta do all that before Kingpin gets involved.” He sat back and offered her a small smile. “The Barton Family Christmas hit a little speed-bump, as you can tell, so how’s the Rogers-(Y/L/N) Family Christmas going so far?”

“Well, Carina helped us decorate cookies and gingerbread houses for the vets down at the VA hospital yesterday, and then she decided that our living room wall could use a thick coat of frosting as well.” Clint burst into laughter and (Y/N) couldn’t help but join him. “Steve’s convinced that she’s got the makings of an artist, but I just think she likes to keep us on our toes. And this little gumball…” Beaming, she rubbed a hand across her bump. “Moved for the first time this morning.”

“That’s amazing! Boy or girl?”

“We don’t know yet, but we’re gonna open the envelope my doctor sealed for us together on Christmas Day and find out.” Memories of her first pregnancy and the overwhelming loneliness she struggled with unwittingly came to the forefront of her mind, but she forced herself to ignore them as she continued. “I’ve never really been one for big gender reveals, but after Carina’s…shall we say, unconventional birth and everything we’ve been through since, I just wanted this pregnancy to be special for us.”

A look of understanding crossed Clint’s bruised face, as he was one of the few Avengers who could empathize with desiring balance between a normal family life and the superhero life they’d been thrust into, but he merely smirked and jokingly replied, “Well, if you’re still thinking of baby names, I’ve always thought that Clint Rogers-(Y/L/N) had a nice ring to it.”

(Y/N) snorted in amusement. “Oh, really? You know, I’ve heard the same exact thing about Sam Rogers-(Y/L/N), James Bucky Rogers-(Y/L/N), Bruce Rogers-(Y/L/N), Thor Rogers-(Y/L/N), Korg Rogers-(Y/L/N) and Rocket Rogers-(Y/L/N).”

“I’m not usually one to judge, but I’ll totally judge you if you name your kid after a talking raccoon or a big pile of rocks.” When his chuckles died down, the archer’s blue-grey eyes softened as they looked between her face and the bump she was unconsciously cradling. “I’m really happy for you guys, and I know…I know that Nat and Tony would be, too.”

After flashing him a thankful smile, (Y/N) leaned her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her temple against the palm of her hand. “So, what’s this Kate Bishop like?”

“A pain in my ass,” Clint bluntly replied and when she lightly scoffed at his answer, he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m serious! That kid’s cocky, reckless and she talks way too much…but I can’t deny that she’s a damn good archer and her instincts are sharp.” His brow arched as a thoughtful expression crossed his injured features. “You know, she reminds me a little of you, actually; she put that suit on to protect innocent people from the Tracksuits without a single thought for her own safety, just like how you volunteered to help an Air Force vet and a couple of wanted Avengers save the world from Hydra without a single thought for your own safety.”

(Y/N), detecting a hint of concern in her friend’s tone of voice, nodded in understanding. “You’re worried about her.”

Clint nodded. “Damn right I am. You were twenty-seven when you helped Steve, Nat and Sam stop Project Insight, and Kate’s only twenty-two; you understood the risks of getting involved in this sort of life, but Kate…she’s got blinders on. I tried to make her understand that I’m not a role model, that I’m not someone that people should look up to and that this life I’ve led for the past twenty years isn’t a game but like I already told you, she’s cocky and reckless.”

“She doesn’t know about the Ronin, does she?” When Clint shook his head, (Y/N) bit her lip and carefully contemplated her next words before speaking. “Maybe the reason you can’t get through to her is because you haven’t shown her the real you and she can sense that you’re hiding something from her; if you open up to her now, then you might be able to stop her from getting too deep into all this.” He shrugged his shoulder, but she could see that she hadn’t convinced him to confide in his reluctant partner; she glanced down at her wristwatch and hummed to herself. “Well, I should probably head out now if I want to beat the commute traffic to Brooklyn…”

“Yeah, and I should give Laura and the kids a call before I pass out from exhaustion.” Clint helped her to her feet and gave her a fond smile as she pulled her coat and scarf back on. “It’s been good seeing you, (Y/L/N), and I really appreciate your help. Tell Steve that I said hi and that he should totally name his second-born after one of his oldest and coolest friends, okay?”

“Sure thing, Hawkeye,” (Y/N) chuckled, slinging the strap of her messenger bag over her shoulder as they walked over to the apartment’s front door and giving her friend a hug, careful of his bruised and battle-worn limbs as she did. “Good luck, Clint. You’re going to fix this and you’re going to make it home for your Barton Family Christmas and on Christmas Day, we’ll give you guys a call to let you know if it’s a boy or a girl.”

“Aye aye, Captain.” With a smile and a teasing salute, Clint opened the door and watched her head towards the building’s elevator before retreating into the temporary safe house.

(Y/N) stepped into the elevator and after the door slid closed, the uneasy feeling that had begun to form when the topic of Kate Bishop came up only seemed to deepen as the elevator descended. It was foolish to further embroil herself in Clint’s struggle against the Tracksuits; not only was she entering her pregnancy’s second trimester but if a powerful man like Kingpin caught wind that she was involved, it could put Steve’s secret life in jeopardy and their family’s safety at risk. But it was Clint’s comparison of Kate to (Y/N) that compelled her to pull the S.W.O.R.D. tablet out of her messenger bag and research the young archer’s cell phone number.

“I sure hope that I’m doing the right thing, Nat,” She murmured under her breath as she worked. “For Kate and for Clint’s sakes…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour later, (Y/N) was seated at one of the rickety metal tables outside Greenwich Village’s own Joe’s Pizza, patiently waiting for the twenty-two-year-old to work through her star-struck awe while she enjoyed a slice of pizza and scratched the young archer’s rescue Golden Retriever behind his ear.

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I’ve met two Avengers in less than a week! Is this, like, some sort of a superhero test? Or a trial period or somethin’? I mean, I’ve only been in four-ish fights so far…or wait, was it five? I don’t know, I can’t really remember ‘cause I’m pretty much running on caffeine and adrenaline at this point,” Kate nervously chuckled, a little out of breath as she finally stopped rambling and attempted to rearrange her excited features into a nonchalant smile. “…So, um, what can I do for you, Ms. (Y/L/N)?”

“Please, just call me (Y/N).” Smiling, (Y/N) took another bite of her pizza slice and used it to point at Kate. “I’ve heard a lot about you from our mutual friend, so I wanted to meet you for myself.”

The young archer’s brows raised almost comically. “R-Really? Wow, that’s really…was it all good things you heard?”

“Mm-hmm, and I also saw the video of you rescuing this good boy on the news.” The one-eyed Golden Retriever nuzzled his face against her lap and perked up when she tore her slice of pizza in half, wolfing it down in record time once she offered it to him. “He’s lucky that someone as skilled as you came along when you did.” After watching the dog enjoy his chunk of pizza, she looked back up at Kate and sobered as her eyes fixated on the steri-strips that closed the lacerations that were scattered across her youthful face. “Actually, I asked you to meet me here because I wanted to talk to you about this case you’re working with Clint.”

Kate slumped in her seat, a dejected frown beginning to form on her injured face while she took a halfhearted bite of her pepperoni pizza slice. “You think I should stay home and let Clint handle it, don’t you? That’s what my mom thinks, too; she didn’t say anything about it to me, but I know she thinks I’m crazy for doing this. I mean, I’m just a civilian and Clint’s a freaking Avenger, so I guess I see why it’s nuts that I’m helping him out, but I…I can’t just sit back when I know that I can help.”

Smiling a little to herself, (Y/N) dabbed at her lips with a napkin and shook her head. “Kate, I’m the last person on the planet who’d ever tell you to stay home and ignore the instinct to help. I was just a civilian when I helped Steve, Nat and Sam take down Hydra – an unpublished historical-fiction novelist with a part-time job at the V.A., who just so happened to be one of only two people in D.C. that a couple of wanted Avengers could trust. They tried their hardest to make me stay home and out of danger but I refused, because I knew that I could help them. I had to help, no matter what, and nothing they’d say could change my mind.”

“So, you understand why I’m still helping Clint?” The young archer’s expression brightened and she sat up in her seat. “That’s great!” When (Y/N) didn’t immediately answer, her head tilted to the side in confusion. “…Isn’t it?”

“You and I are a lot alike and because I see so much of myself in you, I wanted to tell you what I wish someone had told me ten years ago, when I took my first steps into the life of an Avenger.” (Y/N)’s fingers caressed the content Golden Retriever’s fur, taking small comfort in his calming presence as she continued. “When you choose to spend your life trying to help people, there’s going to be consequences you’ll have to face. Some of the consequences won’t come as a surprise – the fights and battles have taken a physical and mental toll on me, for example, and I’ll have to live with their effects on my body and on my mind for the rest of my life – but others will. From the moment it began, my entire career’s been called into question; you see, people assume that my success is due to my long-time association with the Avengers and not the writing skills I’ve worked my ass off developing and perfecting. I lost any chance at anonymity or a private life when I announced my engagement to Steve Rogers. I became estranged from my family, because they didn’t approve of my relationship or my association with the Avengers. I went through the joy of befriending some of the kindest and most misunderstood people in the world, and then I was forced to mourn them in a way that no one but my fellow Avengers could ever understand; the world lost Iron Man, Black Widow, Black Panther and the Vision, but I lost Tony, Nat, T’Challa and Vis.”

Kate bowed her head and stared down at the discarded pizza crust on her plate. “And you lost Steve, too.”

(Y/N) nodded mutely, careful to keep up the ruse that Steve Rogers died in the Battle of Earth and wasn’t currently wrapping Christmas gifts with their fifteen-month old daughter in their Brooklyn home. “When you face the threats that Clint and I have faced, you have to accept that there’s going to be things that you lose along the way. I don’t tell you any of this to dissuade you, Kate, far from it; I’ve always believed that if you feel that you can help, then it’s your moral obligation to do so.” She reached across the table and rested a comforting hand atop Kate’s, giving her a small smile when her eyes finally met hers. “But it’s important that you know that this life isn’t easy, and it’s only fair that you hear it from one of the only Avengers who stumbled into this life the way you have. Do you understand?”

Kate nodded, and the brief silence that filled the air as (Y/N) finished her slice of pizza was broken by a timid question. “Do you know who the Ronin is?”

“…I know who they used to be,” (Y/N) carefully replied. “But if you want to know more about the Ronin, then you’ll have to ask Clint.”

“Urgh, I knew you’d say something cryptic like that. Hey, what’re Clint’s favorite Christmas movies and does he have any strong opinions about ugly Christmas sweaters?”

After (Y/N) helped Kate plan out the perfect mini-Christmas party for a homesick Clint, she bid the young archer and her energetic Golden Retriever goodbye and watched them both stroll down the sidewalk with a fond smile on her face. It was clear to her that Kate’s heart was in the right place, and that perhaps she was the perfect person to help Clint move on from the Ronin as well as resolve the ongoing conflict with the Tracksuits. I just hope they’ll both stay safe, she thought as she anxiously bit her lower lip and stroked her small baby bump, her mind preoccupied with a myriad of the worst possible outcomes to the archers’ partnership.

“Here you go, Ms. (Y/L/N): one large chicken and olive pizza to go,” The young worker’s sudden appearance shook (Y/N) out of her heavy thoughts and after setting the pizza box down, he started to bus the table with a small smile on his face. “Need any packets of Parmesan cheese or red pepper flakes?”

“No, thank you, I-” (Y/N) cut herself off when her eyes caught sight of a familiar well-worn paperback sticking out of the teenager’s back pocket and she felt herself begin to grin. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen a copy of For Queen and Country with its original cover art. How’re you enjoying it?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “It’s one of my favorite books!” The young worker’s gaze briefly met hers as a light blush dusted his cheeks; there was a brief flash of grief in his brown eyes – a deep sort of grief that looked entirely out of place in the eyes of a teenager – but it soon vanished when a bashful expression graced his features. “I’ve been a fan for a pretty long time, Ms. (Y/L/N), and I was actually workin’ up the courage to come out here and ask you for your autograph. I don’t wanna bug you or overstep-”

“Of course I’ll autograph your copy!” (Y/N)’s smile widened as he stammered out a brief thanks and scrambled to hand her the paperback and his server’s pen. “Who should I make it out to?”

“Peter, Peter Parker.” Again, (Y/N) was struck by the strange emotion that flashed across his face, but what gave her pause was the sudden familiarity that his name brought her; she couldn’t put her finger on it, but something about the teenager’s name tugged at the far reaches of her mind. Doing her best to shrug the unsettled feeling off, she jotted down a brief greeting and signed her name before blowing on the drying ink and handing the book and pen back with a smile. “Thanks a lot, Ms. (Y/L/N)! It was good seein’ you agai-um, sorry, I think my manager’s callin’ me, happy holidays!”

Peter Parker, who’d abruptly turned as white as a sheet, shoved his book and pen into his pocket and scooped up the dirty dishes before practically sprinting back inside. (Y/N)’s brow arched at his odd shift in behavior, but gathered up her pizza box and strode down the sidewalk to where she’d been lucky enough to park her yellow Volkswagen Bug. After securing the pizza in the car’s front trunk (or ‘frunk,’ as Sam liked to jokingly call it), she carefully climbed into the driver’s seat and waited a moment for the baby to settle down before dialing Steve’s cell phone number.

“Hey, sunshine! How was your visit with Clint?”

“Productive, for the most part; he has an idea of who the middle-man between Kingpin and the Tracksuits is, but he’s still not sure how to stop them from targeting him and his new friend Kate or uncovering Laura’s past. I also had a quick chat with Kate over lunch, which is why I’m bringing home a chicken and olive pizza from Joe’s; you should also know that your offspring conned me into buying it.”

Steve chuckled. “Oh, they did, huh?”

“Mm-hmm, and you should count yourself lucky that it was only pizza; at four months pregnant with Cari, I was craving Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dipped in vanilla ice cream,” (Y/N) snickered as her husband made a sound of disgust on the other end of the call. “Oh, and the strangest thing happened as I was leaving! Do we know a Peter Parker from anywhere?”

“…I don’t think so, but the name sounds awfully familiar.”

“Right? There’s something strange about it but I can’t put my finger on-” A recognizable babbling in the background of the call caused her to stifle a giggle. “Someone’s feeling chatty today, aren’t they?”

“I think that last episode of Sesame Street might’ve riled her up a bit; you know how much she loves when the Count makes an appearance,” Her husband remarked before calling out, “Cari, did you wanna talk to Mama? Mama’s on the phone right now.”

The gibberish grew louder as the infant toddled over and happily exclaimed into the phone. “Mama!”

“Hi, lemon drop! I’ll be home really soon, okay? Mama loves you!” (Y/N) smiled to herself, listening to their daughter’s incoherent mumbling grow faint as Steve regained control of the cell phone. “I should be home in a half an hour or so, depending on how backed up the bridge is.”

“Fingers crossed that all the city’s archers decide to leave the Brooklyn Bridge un-impaled for the afternoon commute.” Steve joked. “You can tell me all about Clint and his new partner over pizza and my famous green smoothies. I love you, sunshine.”

She gave her phone an exaggerated air-kiss that made Steve huff out a quiet laugh. “I love you too, sweetheart, and I’ll see you soon.”

After hanging up the call and tucking her cell phone into her messenger bag, (Y/N) started the car’s engine and turned up the radio, the local station’s Christmas playlist already playing through the speakers. “Okay, gumball, your daddy promised to make us a smoothie, so let’s get this show on the road.”

Pulling away from the curb, (Y/N) hummed along to the upbeat Elton John track in the hopes that the music would distract from the unsettling feeling beginning to take form in the pit of her stomach, but the tune wasn’t enough to make her shake the suspicion that someone was watching her from afar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Who do you guys think was watching (Y/N)?? You'll have to stay tuned to find out! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I’ve created a Spotify playlist inspired by this series, and I’ll be updating it every time I upload a new chapter. Enjoy!

Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ziGMhEsAw833GQ9eV44nR?si=6dfead09c76848d5 

Hawkeye (Part III)

Stumblin’ In Book VII: “Superhero Snapshots” Masterlist 

Tagging:  @mrs-obrien​​​​​ @lahoete​​​​​ @awkward117 @cminr @natdrunk​​​​ @momc95​​​​​ @savedbystyle​​​​​ @miraculouscloud @awkwardnesshabitat​​​​​ @marinettepotterandplagg​​​​​ @mangosandmimosas @supersouthy @benakenalove​​​​​ @brooke0297​​​​​ @hufflepeople​​​​​ @becausewelie​​​​​ @outoftheregular​​​​​​ @junipermurdock​​​​​ @ladydmalfoy @mads-weasley​​​​​ @username23345@crist1216​​​​​ @capswife​​​​​ @lilmschild​​​​​ @avngrsinitiative @crowleysqueenofhell​​​​​ @y-napotat​​​ @mary1raven​​​​​ @groovyqueer​​​​​ @ljej95​​​​​ @innersublimefury​​​ @prettysbliss​​​​​​  

[brinabees]

The Sleepover (Wild and Eager Pt. 4)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

2.8k words, dbf!Joel, Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: Picks up right where part 3 left off. You missed curfew and are stuck at Joel’s overnight, completely at his mercy.

Content: 18+ MDNI! spanking, unsafe p in v

Notes: Not me realizing way too late that I forgot to have Reader clean the cum off her face at the end of the last installment. She’s just been cuddling Joel covered in it lol.

After cleaning yourself up, you flopped down on Joel’s bed, still wearing nothing but your unbuttoned shirt, propping yourself up with your arms stretched out behind you. “So, big man, you’ve got me all to yourself for a whole night. What are you gonna do with me?” you said with a sly grin on your face. 

Joel’s eyes darkened with lust. “Baby, I’m gon’ ruin you.” He stalked across the room towards you, like a predator closing in on its prey. “Gon’ ruin you for any other cock. Ruin your daddy’s perfect little girl.” 

“You don’t think you’ve already done that? I’m feeling pretty well ruined over here,” you teased him.

“Oh darlin’, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” Joel was now standing in front of where you sat on his bed. “Besides, I gotta teach my pretty girl a lesson, now don’t I? Can’t have you staying out after curfew again. Gotta teach you about a little thing called ‘time management.’”

“Woah, woah, woah there. Was I cuddling myself on the couch? It takes two to miss curfew, in this case.”

“Is that how you see it, eh? Well lemme tell you something sweetheart - I wouldn’t have been so distracted if you hadn’t begged me to fuck those tits of yours.” Joel was looming over you now, causing your heart to race. “Lettin’ me smoke you up and eat you out... Refusing to go home before I was taken care of... From where I stand, this looks like it’s all your fault, baby.”

“I don’t remember you complaining when your cock was nestled between these tits,” you gestured at your exposed chest. You knew you were pushing his buttons, but you couldn’t seem to stop. You liked riling him up, and not just because he usually ended up banging your brains out after you did. You liked seeing the fire come to life behind his eyes.  

“I wasn’t about to complain when you wanted it so fucking bad,” he said as he leaned down and wrapped his strong arms around your waist, lifting you up and flipping you over so that you now laid face down. “Couldn’t say no when you were being such a fuckin’ tease, so desperate for it.” With a rough tug at your hips, he pulled you up so you rested on all fours. His hands slipped back, coming to rest on your bare ass. He squeezed each cheek gently, massaging them with his palms.

Then, without preamble, he pulled one hand away and brought it back down with force, slapping your ass cheek so hard it stung. “That’s for losing track of time and staying out after curfew.” You were so surprised he’d spanked you that you didn’t utter a word. Another slap came down hard on your behind. “That’s for being a fucking tease.” This time, you were prepared for it, and the hot sting of his hand made the most delicious feeling begin to coil in your lower belly. He brought his hand back and spanked you again. “And that’s for tempting me to fuck my best friend’d daughter in the first place.” You let out an audible moan after that.

“Fuck, does my naughty girl like this? Like me spankin’ your behind, teachin’ you a lesson?” You turned your head back towards him and nodded once, meeting his eyes with your hungry stare. “Shit, baby, how the hell am I supposed to hold back when you like being treated like this? Like the filthy tease you are, deserving to be punished.” He punctuated his sentence with another slap to your behind, even harder this time. You knew he’d leave a bright red handprint behind, and the thought of that had wetness trickling from between your thighs. 

“Then don’t hold back,” you urged, voice full of desire. As you spoke, you looked back at him again, seeing his eyes darken with lust, his breathing grow heavy. 

And then he unleashed himself on you. He rained down slap after slap to your quickly reddening cheeks, not giving you time to recover from one spank before the next one came. You knew the evidence of your desire was pooling between your thighs the whole time, each spank sending a tingling thrill of pain through you that seemed to concentrate right at your center. 

“Love... puttin’ you... in your place... like the filthy whore... you are,'' he groaned out, pausing every couple words to deliver another sharp slap to your behind. You squeezed your thighs together, desperately seeking some relief from the ache that had settled between them. 

“Joel... Fuck. So good.” He chuckled darkly at your words. He delivered another smack to each of your cheeks before pausing to massage the abused flesh with his hands.

“Dirty fucking girl, can’t get enough can you? This makin’ you all hot ‘n bothered?” As he spoke, he shifted a hand so he was stroking your inner thigh, feeling the wetness that had begun to seep past your folds. He hissed in a breath at the discovery. “You really this fuckin’ wet for me when I haven’t even touched your needy lil’ cunt? Pathetic.” You mewled breathlessly at his touch and his dirty words, hoping he would put you out of your misery and finally touch you where you needed him most.

Unfortunately for you, Joel was in a sadistic mood, ready to toy with you to his heart’s content. His hand began trailing up and down your inner thigh, getting close but never touching your aching pussy. “Joel, please,” you let out in a whine.

“Nuh uh, this is supposed to be a punishment, remember? Never gon’ learn a lesson if you get your way all the time.” You turned your head back to face him and pouted, letting him know exactly how you felt about that. “Don’t give me that face. Your daddy might fall for that, but I know better.” You huffed in frustration, the ache between your legs growing almost unbearable. 

Suddenly, Joel’s touch was gone, replaced by the feeling of his hot, denim-clad length pressing against your ass, grinding into you. “Feel that baby? Feel how god-damned hard you make me? It’s all your fault, so I’m thinkin’ you oughta help fix it.” You heard the sound of his belt unbuckling, his jeans unzipping and hitting the floor. You gasped in anticipation. 

Next thing you knew, you felt the wet slide of the head of his cock against your slit, rubbing slowly up and down. You hissed in pleasure at finally being touched where you needed it most. 

“Joel, fuck, please just fuck me already.” 

“Now darlin’, do we really need to go over who’s in charge here, again?” You whined incoherently as Joel continued lazily massaging your cunt with his dick. He drew back his free hand and delivered a sharp smack to your ass. “I’ll fuck you when I’m good and ready. Which, lucky for a desperate slut like you, happens to be right now.”

And with that, you felt him press inside of you, slowly but forcefully sinking in until his entire length was sheathed within you. He rested there a moment, landing another hard slap on your reddened cheeks. “Joooeeeel, fuck,” you moaned, wishing you could tell him to fucking move already, but knowing you weren’t likely to get what you wanted if you did.

Finally, finally, he began moving, dragging his cock in and out of you, gliding easily through your slickened channel. You were so keyed up from his spanking, every move he made set your body aflame. Joel pounded into you, not even stopping when he peppered your abused behind with more spanks.

“Gonna have a hard time sitting tomorrow, aren’t you, dirty girl?” You were too far gone to answer, knowing what he said was true. You secretly thrilled at the thought of every twinge of pain reminding you of Joel. He brought both hands to your ass, grasping and kneading, before bringing them to rest on your hips. He pulled you back onto him with every thrust he made, his cock just grazing your cervix every time he bottomed out. You could feel his balls hitting your clit with every stroke, and that sensation drove you to the edge in record time. 

Your moans and groans kept increasing in both pitch and frequency, until all you could get out was a high-pitched squeal. Knowing you were approaching your peak, Joel brought one hand forward to fist in your hair, turning your head back towards him. “Don’t you dare come until I tell you to,” he said, his tone gravely serious. So, you didn’t. You rode the edge of your orgasm, never quite letting yourself tip over into oblivion. Joel’s thrusts picked up in speed as he was clearly beginning to approach his own climax. A chorus of grunts and moans filled the room. 

The pace of his hips began to stutter and falter, an obvious sign that he was right there on the edge. “Fuck, come for me baby, please let go,” Joel said in a surprisingly gentle voice. And let go you did, your orgasm crashing into you as soon as he gave you the go-ahead. Your tight walls clamped down on his dick, your body wanting him deep, deep, deeper. When Joel felt you fluttering around him, it seemed to push him right over the edge with you, coming apart with a low, guttural moan. His body leaned over yours as he spilled himself inside of you. Your arms collapsed as you came down from your high. You stayed there, ass up, face down, as Joel slowly pulled out of you with a wet squelch.

“Fuck.” Joel’s tone was distressed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I shouldn’t have done that. You end up pregnant and we’re both dead.” All you did was sleepily turn your head towards him, a dopey smile glued to your face. “This is serious!” You brought a hand up to your messy pussy, dragging your fingers through the cum that was slowly leaking out of you. You did your best to push it back inside of you, too delirious to fear the consequences of your actions. Despite his anguish, Joel’s gaze was stuck to your cunt, watching you play with his spend. “Fuck, that’s hot,” he mumbled to himself.

“You dirty, god-damned whore, letting me come inside you again.” Joel pressed you down so that you were laying flat on your stomach. “You like that way too much baby, shit’s dangerous.”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t love it. I’m not the one who didn’t pull out,” you pointed out. He grumbled in response. You kicked your feet up behind you, nuzzling your face into Joel’s sheets. They smelled like him, like gunpowder, smoke, and something uniquely Joel. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d felt so satisfied. Hell, you didn’t think you’d ever been this satisfied. Joel flopped down next to you, lying on his back and turning his face to meet yours.

For a while, you just stared at each other - your bliss still written plainly across your face, his hard, brown eyes slowly softening. 

“Next time you wanna teach me a lesson, you might wanna make it a little less mind-blowingly pleasurable,” you crooned at him with a smile. 

He groaned and buried his face in his hands. “You’re gonna be the death of me, you know that, right?” You nodded, your smile growing even wider. Your eyes fell on the alarm clock on the bedside table, noting it wasn’t even 10:00 pm. You sat up, starting to button up your shirt, when Joel’s hand reached out to stop you. “Hold on,” he said, getting up and walking to the shabby little closet. From inside it, he pulled out a well-worn, green flannel shirt. He walked back over to you and handed you the shirt.

You slipped out of your own, more fitted shirt, in favor of putting on the soft flannel. It was large on you, falling to mid-thigh when you raised up on your knees. As you did, you noticed Joel’s cum was leaking out of you and onto your thighs, making you feel so deliciously dirty. 

You shuffled towards the edge of the bed where he stood, reaching up to wrap your hands around his neck. When he looked down at you, you saw a mixture of guilt and desire swirling behind his eyes. Wanting to calm that storm a bit, you dropped a soft kiss to his lips. He kissed you back without hesitation, one arm wrapping around your torso while the other buried itself in your hair. This kiss was such a contrast to your earlier furious fucking, slow but firm. After a minute or two, Joel’s lips pulled away from yours, his forehead coming to rest on your own. 

“That was really something, Joel,” you stated. 

“It sure was... Fuck, I’m never gon’ be able to resist you, not when you let me redden that plump ass so prettily.” You giggled a little at that, while Joel’s hands came to rest on the ass in question, giving it a gentle squeeze. You winced a little, already feeling tender, knowing you’d likely develop bruises from the sheer force of his earlier spanking. “Poor baby, does that hurt?”

“Worth it. So fucking worth it.”

“I s’pose it was, darlin’,” he drawled.

Joel grabbed your hand and pulled you off the bed, leading you to sit down on the couch. He sat across from you in the armchair. 

“You’re so far away,” you whined.

“For good reason, sweet thing. Can’t keep my hands off ya otherwise. And we’ve got some things to talk about.” 

“More rules?” you asked, dreading what further stipulations he might have regarding your arrangement. 

“Not quite. I just want us to figure out what the hell it is we’re doing.” He leaned forward, arms propped up on his knees, head in his hands. “I can’t get enough of you, I know that. But...”

“But you have no idea what to do about dad?” He nodded in confirmation. “He never has to know! We’ve been over this!”

“You really think your old man won’t notice me undressing you with my eyes every time I see you? You really think he won’t notice my dick getting hard every time you walk in the room? You really think he won’t realize why you keep going out for hours at a time to see some ‘friend?’ It’s only a matter of time until one of us slips up and the whole thing comes out.”

“So what are you suggesting? Because if you try to act like you want this to stop again, I will throw you down and curbstomp your beautiful face myself, Miller.”

“Jesus, you really are your dad’s daughter. Got a vicious streak a mile wide, just like him.” He seemed caught halfway between horror and humor at your threat. “But no, I’m not sayin’ I want this to stop. I ain’t about to give up the best pussy I’ve ever fucking had.” You blushed at his heated tone. “I’m just sayin’ we gotta be real intentional about how we do this.”

“How so?” You raised your eyebrow quizzically. 

“Well, it’s not going to be enough to just try and act normally,” Joel said, leaning forward. “We’ve gotta keep our distance.”

“What, like, pretend we hate each other all of a sudden? Isn’t that a little juvenile?”

“This whole sneakin’ around thing is pretty juvenile to begin with, might as well lean in.” You rolled your eyes at that. 

“What, you’d rather I go let Dad know?” You asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

“Obviously not. We just need to make sure he never suspects a thing. So you’re gonna avoid me like the plague, and I’m gonna pretend I think you’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met. Got it?”

“Fine, I got it, now can we have sex again?” You acquiesced, standing up and walking over to Joel’s armchair. Placing one hand on each arm of the chair, you leaned forward and stared into Joel’s eyes with your best suggestive look. He groaned in response, clearly exasperated. 

You dropped to your knees in front of him, stroking your hands up and down his thighs. “C’mon, old man, don’t tell me you’re done for the night already.” You could already see him hardening at your touch. 

“You really are tryin’ to kill me...”

______________________________________________________________

Taglist (comment or message to be added!): @ashleymsnodgrass, @bluetattoos, @spidermanfrog

More Notes: No, reader will not end up pregnant, this is my world and I’ve decided these two are just remarkably lucky. Babies make bad plot devices, there, I said it.

[raveneira]

HII!! Thanks for answering and trying to bring the fandom back! Can't wait to see what everyone will write (or draw) for KawaSara week, i'm sure it'll be great content^^. I can see why would they lose faith but that could never be me, conflict doesn't scare me lol!! Omg that "healthy" vs "toxic" thing is so annoying like idc lmfao, the worst part is i ship SasuSaku and KawaSara and both get hate for that and mind you most of the time it's people that ships toxic stuff too but draws the line at other ships🤦🏻‍♀️. The "healthy" ships fan are ironically the most toxic people i saw. I literally saw them on twitter harassing that KawaSara week page and one of them even posted the pic of OP blocking them & laughed with their friend, the obsession BS fans have with KS fans is astonishing. All of this over a mid ship that isn't even canon. That "you don't care about her feelings" coming from them is ironic, they literally ignore her saying that she does NOT like Boruto lmfao. They literally discredit and undermine SasuSakus moments, a CANON couple, of course they wouldn't lose the chance to do that with a fanon ship (for now), SS&KS have one thing in common and it's the haters, they are literally the same people. Not only they're insecure with KS but BoruSumi too, that's exactly why they ship Kaw*Sum* to get them BOTH out of the way. (I'll be a good person so no shade towards SH/SNS fans XD). Idk but their hate is so weird, also the way they treat Boruto & Sarada is so weird, it's all about that Uzu*aki x Uchiha stuff and that's sooo creepy. Exactly they don't care about them (or just Sarada), it's either for "op babies" or because they previous ships flopped (Nar*Sak* or Nar*Sas*). Them saying to KawaSara fans they don't want a SS 2.0 (they don't even have a lot of things in common, just a few) but than comparing BS not only to SS (free ss😭) but every other ship in Naruto is beyond hypocritical. They get away with everything and it's SO annoying. Literally just saw them calling other haters/jealous lmfao, they're so easy to predict. Also you forgot to add how much they love to call everyone else delusional as if their ship is canon, like girlie none of them is canon, so for now everybody is delusional lol. WHEN YOU POINT THIS OUT THEY DENY IT LIKE??? She literally revolves around him and ignores her own parents (that she separated) like hellooo?? Her idol, ChoCho her best friend?? Like come on guys. It's all about him, nothing about her and that's another thing that i dislike about them. I'm praying that Kawakis development will be good and that we'll see more deep/interesting conversations between him and Sarada. They should block, silence and report them and enjoy KawaSara week in peace, i hope that they won't let BS fans stop them from enjoying it!! Sorry i wrote a lot too lmfaoo.

I literally saw them on twitter harassing that KawaSara week page and one of them even posted the pic of OP blocking them & laughed with their friend,

Really? Im not surprised lol these ppl are very devoted stalkers, no matter how many of them I block, theres always someone who slips through the cracks and watches from the shadows until they finally reveal themselves, and also go reporting to their leader what I be sayin or doin for them to send their minions after me or play victim lol I literally put it to the test because I was suspicious that that was the case, so I showed several screenshots of something they said I was lying about proving it wasn't a lie, but I purposefully didnt censor the names to see if they would go running to snitch to them and thats exactly what they did, not even a few minutes passed between them responding to me and the person in the screenshot talking about me.

The kicker? I have that acc BLOCKED and have had it blocked for years, so for them to of seen it, somebody HAD to report to her what I said, so my suspicion was proven true, there ARE minions stalking me from the shadows and reporting to whatever leader with a big following they follow lol not only that, but they TOLD her that I be stalking HER and even make posts about her ON MY TUMBLR so Im not only stalked on twitter, but on tumblr as well, which btw is a flat out lie because I dont care enough about anybody THAT MUCH to stalk them

I have mutuals who will show me some of the dumb takes she makes occassionally, but they do that with any acc that makes dumb takes, all gcs do, I dont go looking for it because I dont care enough to, but I guess because I occasionally made comment about the dumb shit she says, one of her minions went and made me out to be a stalker over it, despite them literally stalking me to even find that out lol Its sad honestly, bein that obsessed with a ship and its fandom to that extent.

Not to make myself seem important [their the ones who do that with their actions] but I think these ppl hate me so much because they cant rattle me lol they cant stand that they cant get to me, that they cant scare me off, that they cant intimidate me with their 'lol ksa is dead, bsa is canon, accept it, she blushed, they hugged, they clearly love eachother, I know your mad, I know it bothers you, you should just give up, you've lost, just accept bsa is canon and give up on ksa, it'll never happen' ramblings but everytime they throw one of those at me Im never bothered, I always come back at them unbothered and just stating the facts lol its not canon, its not even semi canon, theres still zero confirmation of romantic feelings on either side, any implication you claim there is is just your personal interpretations of what they mean, not what they are canonically confirmed to be, Sarada has denied having romantic feelings clearly and firmly multiple times and has remained consistent on that so Im not giving up or accepting anything that isnt confirmed yet just because of how YOU interpret their relationship and interactions thus far, talk to me when you have confirmation like BoruSumi has, till then your in line waiting with the rest of us lol they never bounce back from that

I know it kills them inside that no matter how much their fed they still dont have confirmation from either side yet while BoruSumi does, it eats them alive that Sarada, the main female, the one they claim is closest to him and so obviously loves him so much, has yet to be confirmed to be inlove with him and everytime shes asked she denies it and is uncomfortable, they were overjoyed when Mitsuki asked her and she avoided his question so they could be like 'See? Mitsuki knows she likes him, he said she doesnt know how she truly feels yet, its confirmed' yet that didnt go how they wanted because unlike they hoped, ppl actually paid attention to what was said and it wasnt anything like they tried to make it out to be.

Mitsuki was talking about himself and being unsure of HIS true feelings, his question to Sarada was him trying to figure his own feelings out through Sarada, but when she avoided the question, Mitsuki backed off seeing she was uncomfortable and said that it didnt matter, they tried to deny this for the longest and insisted it was about Sarada until chapter 7 of TBV released and proved our statement EXACTLY right, that it WAS Mitsuki being confused about his feelings for Boruto and trying to make sense of them so their one little sliver of confirmation they thought they had went out the window and now their back in limbo with the rest of us waiting for confirmation.

So no matter how confident they try to act, their scared to death that their still not confirmed without a doubt to be semi canon yet, because even tho it doesnt automatically mean their endgame, it DOES give them a higher possibility to be if they are, which is why they fear Sumire being so involved because you could ignore Hinata majority of the time because she wasnt around Naruto or involved with his plot that much, but you cant ignore Sumire because she IS, and THATS what scares them.

Even so they seem to still harbor a greater hatred for KawaSara than they do BoruSumi despite them not even being semi canon, which is crazy to me because I dont even think they realize how insecure they look for doing so lol if your more threatened by a not even semi canon ship, maybe your ship aint doin as well as you act like it is cuz trust and believe if your ship had nothin to worry about then you wouldnt be bothered, so if your bothered that means you see something to be threatened by.

That "you don't care about her feelings" coming from them is ironic, they literally ignore her saying that she does NOT like Boruto lmfao.

That one really is rich coming from them, they care about her feelings but their the ones who insist she doesnt know or understand her own feelings even when shes outright saying what she feels

"Does it bother you that other girls might like Boruto?" "Huh? seriously? of course not"

^^^^ This statement is totally ignored, instead they focus on her being shocked at Sumire confessing she likes him as implying shes jealous, even when her character profile also said Sarada was shocked at Sumire's bold statement, they still said it was jealousy, not caring about what she SAID is her feelings, they decided she doesnt know how she feels but they do.

"So you do like Boruto?" "What!? where the heck did that come from!?" "So you dont?" "Im saying whether I do or dont has nothing to do with this!"

^^^^ Another statement they ignore that debunks one of their main arguements that her wanting to help, support, protect etc Boruto is because she loves him romantically, this statement debunks that entirely because she says those exact feelings have NOTHING to do with whether or not she likes him, those are just her genuine feelings for her friend and teammate thats struggling and shes feeling frustrated being unable to help him like she wishes she could.

Its honestly ironic the lack of self awareness ppl have, to accuse others of lacking reading comprehension, while also blatantly lacking it themselves that they cant even comprehend something as simple as this.

But again, they ignore how SHE says she feels and instead THEY decide how shes feeling, because to THEM yea she says that but she doesnt mean it, she actually does love him but she just hasnt realized she does yet cuz shes tsundere [even tho she isnt] because to them THEY know her better than herself, THEY decide how she really feels not Sarada herself, because anything she says that doesnt fit their narrative oh well shes just confused but WE [they] know what she really means so just take their words for it because unlike us who cant 'read between the lines' they actually understand her character and respect how she feels.

Yeah, because nothing says respecting someones feelings like ignoring everything they say they feel and trying to make them feel how you want them to feel.

The only time its ok to insist someone doesnt know how they feel, is when their actually shown not knowing how they feel, not them saying outright what they feel firmly without hesitation.

So the fact that they try to dictate and determine what Sarada feels over what Sarada herself says she feels is nothing short of them not caring about her feelings, because they dont care that she doesnt like Boruto, they are going to MAKE her like him whether thats how she really feels or not. So anytime somebody hits you with that 'if your a real Sarada fan you would accept her feelings even if you dont like them' know their full of shit because when they dont like it they dont accept it either, they just want YOU to respect what THEY say her feelings are, nothing else.

Not only they're insecure with KS but BoruSumi too, that's exactly why they ship KawSum to get them BOTH out of the way.

Its funny because they used the same talking points too that they used for SK lol 'she understands him, they have a similar past, he has a soft spot for her' same bs different ship, but they say KawaSara is SH/SK lol better look again.

Idk but their hate is so weird, also the way they treat Boruto & Sarada is so weird, it's all about that Uzu*aki x Uchiha stuff and that's sooo creepy.

The sad part is this isnt even a theory or antis makin stuff up on them, heres a compilation, straight from the horses mouth, that THIS is their main objective and appeal of the ship.

It is genuinely weird as hell how obsessed these ppl are with these kids genes, but it makes sense when you consider how they treat Sarada, their just a little TOO protective of her ya know? like she just HAS to be with Boruto no matter what, she CANT be with anyone else but him or it'll just be terrible for her and the story etc.

Exactly how would it be terrible for her tho? whats wrong with Mitsuki? lack of development? so what? Chokarui exists.

Whats wrong with Kawaki? cuz he tried to kill her? cuz hes mean? cuz he hurt the MC? SasuSaku says hi so whats the problem? oh well KawaSara isnt like SS because Sakura actually liked Sasuke since the beginning and they had development, well so did KawaSara, even if Sarada doesnt like Kawaki like Sakura did from the beginning, so what? she doesnt have to for them to still be similar to them, and the irony is she doesnt like Boruto either, so shouldnt the same logic apply to them? its all bs.

Their main goal and objective is seeing what an Uchiha/Uzumaki/Hyuuga baby would be like because their convinced their children will be gods, even if they try to pretend they ship them cuz of love, development, mutual respect [there isnt] and the energy they put into eachother [its one sided, Sarada gives way more than she receives] its really all about their genes, the same reason they desperately wanted Sasuke with Karin, but with BoruSara even more now because thats THREE op clan genes their children will have, Uchiha, Uzumaki, AND Hyuuga.

They dont give af about their bond, their feelings, or their characters, they care about how powerful their child is gonna be, and that is truly disgusting.

The fact that they have the nerve to talk about other ships being disgusting, when their ships main objective is what kinda OP baby Sarada pops out for Boruto, is nothing short of hypocritical. Eugenics should never be the main basis for a ship, period, its just weird, and the fact that it has been a topic of discussion SINCE THEIR INTRODUCTION and they were both around 6-7 is downright weird and sickening.

If Boruto did not have Uzumaki and Hyuuga dna, BoruSara would not be half as popular as it is now, the appeal of how strong their kid would be is the main reason this ship has as many supporters as it has, NOT how great the actual ship as a whole is.

Think about it, what other ship do you see have THAT MANY comments about wanting them together to see how powerful their child is? you cant name one, because unlike them, OTHER SHIP FANDOMS ACTUALLY LIKE THEIR SHIPS FOR THEIR DYNAMIC/RELATIONSHIP/BOND not how powerful their kid is gonna be, their kids are an after thought, not they primary one and main reason they want it endgame.

Obviously shippers imagine their ships endgame and family life, but there's a big difference between just coming up with fanon kids/enjoying family content, and straight up eugenics where the only appeal is how OP their children are gonna be and what crazy new jutsus etc their gonna have

So when these hypocrites try and act superior like their the healthy ones and everyone else is toxic I have to laugh because their fandom is the only one this obsessed with eugenics, every other fandom just likes the ships dynamic and relationship and bond, their kids are a fun afterthought not a primary focus, for BoruSara fans its a main focus. That alone tells you where their priorities are, not love, just babies.

Sarada's only value to them is that she's Uchiha, if Sarada was lets say a Haruno/Lee instead not even half of these ppl would ship her as strongly with Boruto as they do now.

It explains why they care so little about Sarada's character and ignore all justified complaints about how poorly shes written, why is that? because why would they be? they dont need Sarada to be a good written character to get what they want, they LIKE her being written as a Boruto centric damsel in distress whos whole world revolves around him, thats good for them, because they need her for those babies, so the more obsessed she is with him the better, they dont care how bad it looks for her character, as long as its bringin them closer to those OP kids they dont care if Ikemoto had her kissing the ground Boruto walked on, or hell, even using her as a stepping stone over a puddle, they'd justify all of that and say shes a good well written character if it means their gettin those OP babies.

Sakura hasnt done half the pathetic things Sarada has and she gets dragged as the worst female character in shounen history, why do you think that is? because shes just a normal girl with non special genes to be passed down and create something powerful, but Sarada? the only other living member of the famous Uchiha clan, the strongest clan in Konoha next to the Senju, her genes passed down with someone from the Hyuuga/Uzumaki, two other very powerful clans, would create something truly out of this world.

And there you have it, thats all you need to know, just ask yourself whats different about how Sakura is written and Sarada and you'll notice the main deciding factor on why Sarada is better than Sakura is because of her genes. Thats all Sarada is to them, her genes, and they've made that more than clear to everyone whether they try to pretend that isnt the case or not, we all see the truth.

Them saying to KawaSara fans they don't want a SS 2.0 (they don't even have a lot of things in common, just a few)

Ironic considering this is them

Its all bs, they realized how stupid it was denying similarities to a canon ship because that actually increases the likelihood of it being canon [NH being similar to MinaKushi and SS being similar to FugaMiko, ShikTema being similar to his parents etc] so then they started claiming SS for themselves to claim they'll be canon, even tho prior to that they were saying they didnt want SS 2.0 because it was toxic and abusive and ruin Sarada's character like her mother and that Kishimoto learned from his mistakes, even though he never once expressed regrets about his endgame ships lol they think somehow BoruSara is supposed to be his 'atonement', yet now suddenly SS 2.0 is fine now that they apply it to BoruSara, suddenly its not toxic or ruins Sarada's character.

The way you know their not even sincere about it and just saying it to prove how their endgame, is because these ppl dont even understand SS themselves and only look at the superficial things on the surface, not their core characters and relationship and everything that went into it from the beginning to now.

This is why BoruSara is an insult to SS because its such a shallow representation of what SS was

For example Sarada's speech to Shikamaru about her defending a traitor like her dad used to be, and comparing her defending Boruto to how Naruto [and Sakura] defended Sasuke. Of course those buffoons ran with it like yea she's defending Boruto like Sakura did Sasuke when he was a traitor its totally endgame.

This is just surface level SS tho, Sakura wasnt just defending an innocent man wrongly accused, Sakura was defending an ACTUAL traitor, Sasuke made the conscious decision to abandon Konoha and betray everyone and willingly attempt to kill his comrade, all in his pursuit of power to avenge his family that was wrongfully murdered by his brother, he chose revenge >> his friends and Konoha, Sakura and Naruto stood by him despite that because they knew the real him and wanted to save him from that dark lonely path he was walking because they genuinely wanted him to be happy and knew he wouldnt be if he walked this path.

Compare that to BoruSara, why is Boruto a traitor? he isnt, everyone just thinks he is because of mass brainwashing, its Kawaki who is actually the traitor that everyone hates, but due to omnipotence thats all directed at Boruto now, why did Boruto leave? because if he didnt he would've been killed by everyone who thinks hes a traitor now, what is Borutos end goal? to undo omnipotence and knock some sense into Kawaki [and save the world obviously] and what is Sarada defending Boruto from? absolutely nothing, because hes innocent, so all her mouthing off has zero weight because shes defending an innocent person, so of COURSE she'd stand by him.

With Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura were defending a traitor, and then an international terrorist, they were INSANE to defend him but they did anyway because they loved him, they understood there had to be a reason, it was hard, and there was doubt, but overall they loved Sasuke and refused to give up on him and kept hope that one day they could all laugh together again as team 7.

Sarada is going through zero conflict over this, zero struggle, everyone is just brainwashed so none of the push back she receives has any weight because she knows its because of omnipotence that their acting that way, so the most she does is get frustrated that she cant break through omnipotences hold over them, but with Naruto and Sakura you had friends, comrades, even family telling them that they need to give up and let Sasuke die, that there was no saving him, that as Hokage your gonna have to make the hard decisions even if you dont want to etc and these werent ppl brainwashed, these were their sincere thoughts and feelings about the situation that brought both Naruto and Sakura to having breakdowns because of the inner tormoil it caused.

Show me where Sarada is going through that type of hell for Boruto, that kind of struggle, literally going her against the world [not ppl brainwashed by omnipotence] where is Sarada facing REAL hardship and pain trying to fight for Boruto? this is what I mean by ppl only making surface level comparisons for SS, because defending Sasuke wasnt just about defending a traitor, it was much deeper than that, and to treat it as if Sarada's situation is even remotely similar to that is a huge disrespect to SS.

The only way this would really parallel SS is if it was Kawaki she did this for, not because of my ship preference, but because its literally thematically similar. If you remove omnipotence, leave everybody in their right minds where they all believe Kawaki is a irredeemable traitor they want dead, THEN it would be similar to SS because Sarada would ACTUALLY be defending a traitor against non brainwashed ppl and trying to prove to them that despite his terrible actions there must be a good reason behind it and that hes still a good person etc, THEN it'd be similar.

But having Sarada just be defending an innocent man like shes really some ride or die when she doesnt have to ride or die for anything since he really isnt a traitor or bad guy to begin with is nothing short of goofy, even more so comparing it to SS when Sarada currently cant even handle a brainwashed Shikamaru not believing her like she already knew he didnt, Sakura and Naruto were willing to fight cloud nin, Naruto got on his knees to beg the Raikage for mercy on Sasuke, they were willing to go confront Danzo and possibly fight him, Naruto pushed Gaara's hand away when he tried to tell him to give up on Sasuke, Sakura punched Sai in the face for disrespecting Sasuke, Sakura fought tooth and nail against Sasori to get more info on Orochimaru, Naruto let Kurama take over to get back at Orochimaru for manipulating Sasuke

What has Sarada done to really 'ride or die' for Boruto? buy a similar jacket to his? yell at ppl you know cant help but not believe you because their literally under the influence of a massive shinjutsu? what a joke.

'Sarada wore a Boruto style jacket as a fk you to omnipotence' and nobody moved lol like seriously nobody moved so who was the middle finger to? who cared? nobody, omnipotence is still in full effect, nobody believes her or cares about her ramblings, Ada doesn't care, and Kawaki is so unfazed he doesn't even bother trying to stop her from running her mouth because she is THAT irrelevant, so who exactly is the fk you for? herself? shes the only one who gives a danm so like...ppl treatin that like its some huge badass character moment for her are laughable because unlike Naruto and Sakura who did have an impact, Sarada has had absolutely zero.

And its equally disrespectful to all the other ships they compare them too as well for equally shallow reasons, just because they might have similar moments on the surface doesnt mean anything if the core meaning and sentiments behind said moments arent the same.

For example MinaKushi, exactly what do they have similar to BoruSara? what is Sarada's biggest insecurity she hated that Boruto complimented and made her love? what enemy ninja has kidnapped Sarada that Boruto was the only one who noticed and followed her and saved her from? since when was Sarada bullied for her appearance where Boruto was the only one who didnt and supported her dream?

THE IRONY is that while Minato actually supported Kushina's dream from the start while everyone else made fun of it, Boruto was the ONLY ONE who made fun of Sarada's dream and berated her for it, but their similar to MinaKushi lol

'But Kushina looked down on Minato too'

Kushina looked down on him because she thought he looked unreliable, Boruto looked down on Sarada because of his personal issues with his father being Hokage and he took it out on her who didn't deserve it and he never apologized for it either, they are not the same.

Like I said they only focus on surface level similarities, but not the actual core elements of the relationship and characters, they have NOTHING in common with MinaKushi on a deep meaningful level, even down to the spiral symbolism they claim is somehow a parallel for BoruSara is literally about Kushina and Mito about being jinchuriki and getting through it thanks to the love of their husbands, like…they really think Kishimoto had BoruSara in mind when he made that one shot, instead of ya know, just focusing on MinaKushi who the one shot was actually about.

Same way they try to claim NaruHina similarities for again, surface level reasons instead of the actual deeper meaning of their relationship.

Tell me where Sarada grew up in an abusive household where her father practically disowned her because she was weak? where was Sarada inspired by Boruto being a 'proud failure' and wanting to be like him? where was Boruto Sarada's inspiration for her nindo? where was Sarada breaking Boruto out of his insecurity for a big upcoming fight he thought he couldnt win which gave him the courage and motivation to give it his all? when has Boruto ever literally fought to avenge Sarada because he was so angry at how she was treated? when has Sarada fought a far stronger enemy despite his protest? [a single fireball distraction and just standing there after the fact is not fighting]

They have none of that stuff that actually mattered and added substance to their relationship, you know what they did have? Sarada just watching Boruto from afar as if that is an actual deep meaningful part of their relationship…the funny thing is even that isnt similar, the contexts are literally complete opposites

Hinata watched Naruto out of admiration and infatuation, Sarada watched Boruto out of jealousy, and then later she was just watching him train with her dad hoping that he'd take Boruto on as his student since she knew it'd make him happy

Ironic right? the same guy who insulted her dream and berated her for it, Sarada was busy supporting him and wanting her dad to accept him as his student

You can tell these ppl dont understand or care about these ships their comparing them to fr fr, because if they did, they wouldnt be using only surface level similarities and not the actual deep core elements of the relationships.

you know where you CAN find ACTUAL similarities to other ships that DOES match the deep core elements of them? NaruSaku and SasuNaru.

Sarada was originally annoyed with Boruto at first [Just like Sakura and Sasuke] but after becoming teammates became alot closer like family, Sarada would watch Boruto pull pranks for his fathers attention in envy but despite being annoyed she also sympathized with him because she too had an absent father she craved attention from, Sasuke used to watch Naruto go around pulling pranks for attention too and despite thinking he was a moron he sympathized with him as well because they were both orphans and he understood his loneliness, Boruto and Sarada pretty much bicker with eachother the exact same way OG team 7 did, the only difference being the lack of drama now because theres no conflict with one of the teammates goin rogue and betraying them [Kawaki fills that role] but overall the sentiments is the same when it comes to those ships.

Sakura despite being annoyed with Naruto often she still worried for him alot and wanted to help him anyway she could and was frustrated with herself when she couldnt help him more, same way Sarada is frustrated with herself for not being able to help Boruto more, Sasuke resented Naruto for thinking he understood him when he had nothing from the start and has no idea what its like to have a family and then lose it, same way Sarada resented Boruto for his ignorance of being so blessed always complaining about his dad overworking when Sarada would kill to have what he did [Boruto had the perfect family then lost it when Naruto became Hokage and neglected them but still tried to be there for them, Sarada always had a dysfunctional family and absent dad that she only just got to finally know at 11, he did not understand her at all]

Regardless, they still sympathized because even though the situations were very different, they both understood the pain of missing their fathers, which is why she was still able to empathize with him despite being far worse off.

Hell the only OG ship with a heavy emphasis on a promise like BoruSara is NaruSaku, same for it being the only OG ship with an emotional surprise hug after an invasion where the FMC hugs the MC relieved to see he was ok while the other one sided love interest watches [whether ones smiling and the other not is irrelevant, its the overall context and execution of the scene that matters]

I made mini compilation here

Theres alot more but you get the picture, THESE are actual similarities that actually fits in depth with their relationships and not just surface level similarities, but actual CORE relationship elements.

This is why they hate being compared to NS and SNS because they know themselves that those are the ships they have actual similarities with, but neither of them are canon so obviously they dont wanna be associated with non canon ships cuz then that means they wont be canon either right? That's why it HAS to be SS, HAS to be NH, HAS to be MinaKushi, all canon ships that totally proves BoruSara will be endgame just like em.

They get away with everything and it's SO annoying.

Agreed, but as the biggest fanbase unfortunately they can get away with just about anything since they have way bigger numbers so the amount of ppl calling em out gets easily drowned out and made the one in the wrong instead.

Literally just saw them calling other haters/jealous lmfao, they're so easy to predict. Also you forgot to add how much they love to call everyone else delusional as if their ship is canon, like girlie none of them is canon, so for now everybody is delusional lol.

Ironic because nobody comes off more jealous than them, and they don't even have anything to be jealous about yet lol they literally have more than any other ship so why they sweatin? because they know it don't mean shit, it could easily be a red herring leading em on just for disappointment in the future, they act like they don't fear that possibility and that there's no way it'll happen again but deep down their scared to death because they know it is possible, they prove that by being so bothered and obsessed with much smaller ships ain't no way they should be concerned about UNLESS they felt there was genuine good reason for doing so, aka being threatened by said ships lol

The delusional thing is always funny to me because they'll go and make up a whole fanfic headcanon scenario for why their right, and then when you slap them with reality and canon facts that easily contradict their twisted fantasy version of events, they get mad and say your delusional or in denial and just jealous when...your literally just pointing out the canon facts that are in literal black and white for all to see, but to them the truth is delusion, and the lies they tell themselves are reality.

She literally revolves around him and ignores her own parents (that she separated) like hellooo?? Her idol, ChoCho her best friend?? Like come on guys. It's all about him, nothing about her and that's another thing that i dislike about them. I'm praying that Kawakis development will be good and that we'll see more deep/interesting conversations between him and Sarada.

Same, there is so much untapped potential between her and Kawaki its not even funny, they had some of the biggest wasted opportunities ever

Like Boruto's death was handled WAY too quickly, Sarada wasnt even given a chance to process it, she was told right in the heat of the moment of them fighting, then everything happened back to back afterwards so she didn't even get a chance to process THAT before she had to process 50 other things that happened all at one, that was such a missed opportunity for some real conflict that they only gave to Sumire who didn't even do anything with it and just looked scared of him every interaction afterwards, thats info that would've been far better utilized on Sarada

Just imagine after checking on Boruto, Sarada went to Kawaki's room and overheard them talking about what happened, she's shocked, she's confused, shes wondering why Boruto lied to her about what happened, why Naruto is ok with this, a lot of conflicting emotions running through her mind that she needs to process so she goes meet Mitsuki at the balcony where they are watching Boruto and her dad, Sarada considers telling Mitsuki what she heard but when Mitsuki tells her how he doesn't know what he might do to the person that tried to kill Boruto, Sarada withholds what she heard cuz she doesn't want to go after him, so Sarada internalizes and has to deal with these feelings on her own, on one hand she understands that this was what Boruto wanted to protect everyone, but on the other she cant bring herself to just be ok with Kawaki trying to kill him, however this situation brings up a new internal conflict she hadn't thought about before and thats what SHE would do if she were faced with a possessed Boruto in that kind of situation? would she be able to kill him if needed? does she have the resolve to do what needs to be done even if she doesn't want to? could she make that difficult decision like Kawaki did? even if thats what Boruto wanted? if he had asked her to, would she be able to honor his wishes? or would she be unable to and let Momo rampage

I could go on but I dont want this to be too long but you get the point, imagine we got THAT instead of all that rushed bs, imagine we got some actual reflection, some inner conflict, some internal struggles trying to figure out her resolve and if she'll be able to do what needs to be done as Hokage.

Imagine her and Kawaki had that talk when they were alone and she confronted him about it, Kawaki affirming his resolve to her that he will do anything to protect Naruto, even killing his own brother, and then the question is passed on to Sarada for what her resolve is, but she has no answer at the moment, all she knows is that she too wants to protect Naruto but she wants to protect Boruto too and doesn't want him to die, but Kawaki tells her there may be a time when she has no choice in the matter and will have to make up her mind soon, then in 78 shes forced to make that decision on just how far shes willing to go for her beliefs, can she kill Boruto if he's a threat? can she kill Kawaki if he's threatening Boruto? she gets there and its time to make a decision, Kawaki once again affirms his resolve by even being willing to kill her if she got in his way of doing what he genuinely believed is right, but Sarada is still unsure of herself, unable to let Boruto die even if he's a threat to everyone, but unwilling to kill Kawaki either even when he's threatening her life, because, despite his rude attitude a lot of the time, she still came to view Kawaki as a friend and teammate and THATS why she hesitates.

Now imagine, shocker, that she actually feels REMORSE for costing Boruto his eye, I know crazy right? you would think that'd have happened IN CANON but oddly it did not, she hasn't been shown feeling even the slightest bit of guilt for costing him his eye that day which is crazy to me, but unsurprising because she didn't even feel the slightest big of remorse for her dad being treefied because SHE sent him off to protect Boruto.

RIP the empathetic caring Sarada who actually gave a danm in 28, 36, and 39 you will be missed.

Having Sarada go there acting all sure of herself but not backing it up did such irreparable damage to her character, whereas in the scenario I just laid out or anything similar to that actually adds depth and valid reasoning for why she'd freeze up there, vs talking a big game like she was about that life only to freeze as soon as shit got real, it was such a stupid writing decision to do that, yes even worse than both of Sakura's failed kill attempts on Sasuke because at least we actually saw the internal conflict she was going through that made her hesitate, we got none of that for Sarada, she just said she couldn't stand by and do nothing....only to stand by and do nothing.

Pure goofiness.

So I really am hoping, by some miracle, the upcoming Kawaki development will lead to some for Sarada as well, but considering Boruto is being brought to the village now I doubt we'll be seeing that anytime soon and she'll continue hyperfixating on HIM and how HES treated until he somehow gets free.

And even then once he's free and out of the village, I hope her 'development' wont be just more bitching at everybody and calling Kawaki Otsutsuki too some more cuz my god, can the girl have any other personality traits besides 'bitter at everyone whos mean/doesnt like Boruto' ? I don't think thats too much to ask. Can she also actually act like she has other friends besides Sumire? can we really not let her be SO BORUTO CENTRIC that she avoids all her other friends/family, even her long time bestie Chocho, over a fkin boy? is this not THE SAME SHIT ppl got on Sakura for doing to Ino? choosing a boy over their friendship? wheres that energy now huh? just again goes to show where the priorities REALLY were all along.

This is a main reason I dont like the ship, because no other Sarada ship is she written THIS poorly for, when its her and Mitsuki their equals and Mitsuki gives just as much to her as she does for him, when its her and Kawaki they are also equals, Kawaki never looks down at her as defenseless or weak, he knows she's strong and capable of fending for herself and allows her to do so, its only BORUTO that intervenes and acts like she's helpless, HES the one who doesn't view her as an equal, but a helpless damsel that needs him to fight all her battles for her, even one about her own fkin father HE takes on the role of freeing him, best believe Sarada will have nothing to do with it, its gonna be all Boruto for her to have the big 'thank you' later and relieve Borutos guilt by returning her father to her, it sounds sweet in concept, but the execution is terrible and makes Sarada useless in her own plot, just like shes already useless in the plot in general besides being unaffected she has done literally nothing of substance with that immunity.

When shes with Boruto he will always take center stage, it'll never be an equal partnership with equal treatment, Sarada has given her ALL to Boruto yet Boruto hasn't even given half of that, the only time Sarada is a thought for him is as an extension of Sasuke, him thanking her before he left? because she sent Sasuke, his promise? because his dream is to be the supporting shadow like Sasuke who supports the Hokage and thus Sarada since she plans to be Hokage [put anyone else in that role and he'd do the exact same thing] , his new promise? to save Sasuke, him coming back to Konoha? to tell her what happened to Sasuke, him coming back again? because his sister was being targeted and then Sarada was being targeted by the Sasuke clone and he took the opportunity to kill him to get the thorn soul bulb that'll help free Sasuke

But when he was about to be killed by Kawaki? he only thought of his mom and sister, when Mitsuki guilt tripped him about breaking his promise, it was only the mention of his mother and sister that got him to change his mind, the only one Boruto has told Naruto is alive to was Mitsuki, not Sarada despite knowing thats her idol, he never made any attempts to contact Sarada in the entire 3 yrs despite clearly having the village bugged with frogs he can teleport to easily , hell he could even just leave letters with the frogs to deliver them to her, ya know, the sorta thing ppl got on Sasuke's case for not doing and now here Boruto is doing the same thing but nobody says anything about it.

Again I dont want this to get too long so Ima cut it here but I think I made my points clear enough at least to get why this ship is so ass and its shippers are so fake as hell shipping it. They can delude themselves that their the 'healthy' and 'not deluded' ones but they are, always have been, their just even worse now because they've lied to themselves for so long they actually believe it, and that is truly sad.

They should block, silence and report them and enjoy KawaSara week in peace, i hope that they won't let BS fans stop them from enjoying it!! Sorry i wrote a lot too lmfaoo.

No no its fine, I wrote alot too lol I'll be surprised if you or anyone else reads all of it 😭 but if you do thank you.

And I hope so too, their not worth letting them ruin their week, and the best get back is to just go on enjoying our week unbothered and ignore them cuz they want attention to distract from us actually focusing on celebrating KawaSara to fight with them, DONT DO IT, don't fall into the trap, just focus on KawaSara and ONLY them, antis will get bored eventually when they seen nobody is feeding into them.

[ssruis]

Tbh I think a case could be made for An having fun while being a hall monitor. It's just this type of fun:

/j but I also think while she was Sick of it she didn't completely hate it because if she did she'd just... Quit. Like maybe not outright quit but she would have the gut to way "Hey I'm not doing this anymore" to her committee and I think they'd be fine with it. Soft quitting her committee duties like she did in On your feet!, she could do that much earlier if she didn't enjoy at least some part of the job but didn't. Which has to count for something. And also Rui and An both had fun at the cheer squad which you could plausibly tie into the song. But it's not happening anyway so it doesn't matter I'm just rambling lol. But yeah Tsukasa is definitely enjoying himself and An definitely isn't so you are correct. Co-signed even

Also Akian flopping is entirely too funny. They flopped at their archive cover because Akito sounded So Bad and the mixing was terrible and we still don't know what happened there. Their Egoist duet was so bad the game actually had to re-do it because they skewed line distribution and Akito basically got to only sing back vocals to An (which I thought was funny & girlboss & queen move of her but yeah objectively it wasn't great). In comparison to these ones Echo is fine but it's very early into the game launch so neither of their VAs have "got" the role yet so it just kinda sounds awkward. I'm twirling my hair and sighing and giggling at this phenomenon because How Does This Keep Happening. Like they usually are on the "ok" to "amazing" scale when singing lines together in regular comms/covers but the moment they're left alone something goes Wrong. Fascinating.

(also I think even with fixed line distribution their Egoist cover is Not Good which is not surprising given the fact that I think it was Imai that said they had a lot of difficulty with singing Gekokujou's repeated rhythm parts and Egoist has a lot of those? I'm not sure who said that actually but eh. But An slayed the solo Gekokujou anything so we still don't know why this happened)

YEAH… like was it a blast for her no would she do it again also no but if she really truly despised doing it she would probably also hold at least some animosity towards ruikasa. I think the first part works well for rui and an and then as the song goes on it fits less and less.

I forgot about the gimmiexgimmie archive cover… go gang give us nothing. Banned from the kitchen for life never cook again. Also obsessed with clpl having to update egoist… patch notes: gave akito back his rights. An locked akito out of the recording studio and he had to shout his lines through the door. Toya revoked some lines because he failed a test and akito had to get his grade back up to get them back.

[skywalking-through-life]

hello friend hope you're doing well. waiting so excitedly for the next chapter in conduct not unbecoming <3 can you give a sneak peak would make my day!!!!!

Hi there dear friend, it's always so lovely to hear from you! And this is a great idea! I don't know why it's never occurred to me, but I'd be so happy to give you (and anyone else interested!) a sneak peek! I have about 4k words written of the next chapter and am still steadily writing, but life has been utterly kicking my ass the past two weeks or so (work has been rough, I have a major interview next week to prep for, sick family, etc), so I haven't been as fast as I hoped to be. But I have a vacation coming up, and I hope to do lots of writing on the plane/on the beach! 💙

Though in the meantime, here's a fun (not angsty, lol) little snippet of chapter 3! ☺️

"Percy Jackson had seen a lot of remarkable things in his somehow both too-short and too-long life, but one sight that never failed to briefly stop his heart was his girlfriend in his bed, curled up and lazy after a long week.

The shade of the lamp that sat on his nightstand was askew, but it still filled the room with its warm glow, making the cramped, cluttered space feel a lot more soft and inviting than usual. No other lights were on, and the absence of the quiet music that Annabeth often played when she was reading or studying meant that she was probably done with school for the night.

As he took in the lack of books on his bed and the looseness of her relaxed, sleepy sprawl, he became even more convinced - and relieved - that that was the case. He really didn't want to have to compete with an interior design textbook for her affection tonight. 

She was curled up on her side on top of his rumpled comforter, facing the door like she'd been waiting for him for a while. Her school uniform had long been discarded, and now the hem of her sleep shorts just barely peeked out from under the oversized t-shirt she was wearing. His weary muscles twitched and tightened as his eyes traced their way up her long, bare legs, before eventually settling on her face. Judging by the slow smile that spread across it as she met his interested gaze, they were both admiring the view that the other presented.

Percy grinned sheepishly in return, not because he was particularly ashamed that he'd been caught appreciating the glory that was her in her pajamas, but because he was always a little self-conscious to be checked out himself. It wasn't like he had forgone a shirt to make himself eye candy for his girlfriend, but now that it was happening, well, he wasn't going to deprive her by covering up.

"There you are. I was wondering if I was going to need to mount a rescue mission," she said with a tiny grin, propping herself up on one elbow.

He rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest."I don't know why you're always so surprised that a son of a sea god likes long showers," he retorted, amused in spite of his tired muscles and even more tired brain.

She rolled hers right back at him. "There's long showers, and then there's your showers," she said with a snort, before crooking a finger at him. "But now that I know you haven't taken an unplanned trip down the drain, get your ass over here."

"Are you really trying to boss me around in my own bedroom?" Percy muttered, giving her a look as he pushed off the doorframe and pulled the door closed behind him. But despite his sharp look, he didn't even pretend like he wasn't going to obey her - he always did…as long as she was giving an order that he liked.

Her smile became a smirk. "Do you really have a problem with it?" She said sweetly, scooting over to give him the space to flop down next to her.

"You already know the answer to that," He said with a grin, dumping his towel on his desk chair as he crossed the few feet that separated the door from the bed.

He collapsed face down next to her, face hitting the cool pillow. His arms snaked around it as he burrowed deeper into the downy softness, and as he breathed in, he caught a whiff of the lemony scent of her shampoo on the fabric. She'd been laying on his pillow.

Her quiet giggle was sort of hard to hear around his arms and said pillow, but he felt her shift her weight toward him and her hand briefly card through his damp hair. "Roll over, Perce," she ordered.

The commanding tone of that request made it sound like she wanted something else from him, but as far as he was concerned, he'd already followed instructions.

"Why?" He mumbled into the pillow."You wanted my ass, not my face." And because he was maybe just shy of delirious, he wiggled it in her direction.

The laugh that burst out of her was a lot louder than her quiet giggles had been, and she immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, stifling herself before she could wake Percy's parents.

Percy grinned into the pillow. Two things could be true: he wasn't entirely himself right now, and there was almost nothing in the world that he liked better than making Annabeth laugh."

Hope you enjoyed the sneak peek! More to come, dear one. 💙

[cloveroctobers]

somebody like you — joe x oc x bode leone

A/N: here’s my attempt to write for joe again! It’s the month of fluff so I thought why not? I just want my man to be happy so…but we’re also talking about ME here who loves a little (A-LOT in this case—some difficult topics will be discussed later on throughout this piece) angst on the side. I should seek therapy, ha! Anyways, You’ve been warned?

S/N: if you haven’t seen fire country this is me telling you to watch it. Although I’m using a gif for a different character/show that I haven’t watched…we’re gonna pretend that this works for bode’s character! Max has always been a cutie to me sorry lol. + GIFS BELONG TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERs ALWAYS! + kinda lengthy unintentionally.

・❥・ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ・❥・ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ・❥・ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ・

she doesn’t know what time it is or care.

What she does know is she hates the person calling her right now. She was supposed to be sleeping in—which was always but that’s besides the point! Winters in New England can be brutal and she wasn’t much of a winter girl. Let’s just say she couldn’t wait for spring to arrive so that the view can provide some sort of livelihood around here. Now don’t get her wrong, the snow was pretty to look at and there were some fun activities to get into but after almost breaking her car door due to it being frozen shut? She was done.

After what felt like the twentieth buzzing from her phone, she made a attempt to reach for her bedside table. If her long arms didn’t reach out far enough to grasp her phone, then that was the person on the other line’s problem. Lucky for them she was able to grab it, snatching the device close to her face. With slits in her eyes she rested the phone right by her face on her pillow and slid a finger across the screen.

“What?”

A laugh was breathed into the other line by a familiar voice, “come on! Don’t tell me you’re still in bed.”

“I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour now, wanted to invite you up to mine for breakfast.”

“I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour now, wanted to invite you up to mine for breakfast.”

“I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour now, wanted to invite you up to mine for breakfast.”

A grunt sounded from her throat, “I thought we had a understanding. You don’t wake me up until after 6pm.”

Joe wasn’t surprised at this response. The pair were complete opposites, whereas he didn’t mind early mornings which allowed him to get things done—especially as a business owner; while she was the creative night owl and thrived when the stars twinkled in the navy sky.

“I made hashbrowns along with other surprises,” Joe persuaded, making her eyes peel open at the thought, “and I’m actually out front.”

Which really means the back entrance, however due to where his ranch was located, it was really the front entrance for him.

Letting out a long sigh, she flopped on her back in thought as she stared up at the ceiling that appeared as if it was experiencing some water damage. She knew if she mentioned this to her dad over her weekly facetime calls with him, she wouldn’t hear the end of it. It also looked as if it was starting to spread but that was another problem for another day. She had to worry about if she wanted to move from this metal-framed plushy bed.

When a growl erupting from her belly, she found her answer.

“Fine, you win this time.” She sat up and stretched with her hands raised high above her head, limbs stiff, “Let yourself in, I’m gonna get myself ready.”

The wind could be heard from the other line as Joe pulled the screen door back, “I always win…but thanks for your permission, your majesty, my arms were starting to get frostbite. And hurry up, some people are starving here.”

“Hurry up, some people are starving here.” She mocked the man as she picked up her phone ready to hang it up, “Kiss my ass, Joseph Narine.”

And was in fact met with the dial tone as Joe held the phone in between his neck and shoulder. He couldn’t help but laugh at his friend’s grumpiness, kicking the back door shut with his leg as he carried the food through the entry way. Joe could still feel the draft of the fifteen degree weather as he stood in the entrance, the wooden stairs peeking out from up head while he turned to the door on the left.

His brown eyes immediately went to the door mat in front of the storm door, chuckling to himself as he read the message that never got old to him which read: protected by fuck around and find out surveillance. The man shook his head as he managed to twist the knob open. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he felt some warmth inside of the farmhouse brush over his face. Taking a few steps to the oval table covered in plaid tablecloth, he placed the tray of food on one side.

Joe stared over at the various of plants that decorated the two tables right in front of the bay window, out into the snow covered scene out back. Sure she had a nice view but Joe actually preferred the view on the side of the house which held the screened-in porch better, since he could see out towards his own land instead. Smiling to himself, he was brought out of his thoughts as a meow caught his attention.

“Hey, Cassius.” Joe greeted the black feline that jumped onto the table. He then picked up the cat with one hand to pet behind his ears, “you know your mom doesn’t like you on the table and I’m guessing she’s been depriving you of food because of her terrible sleeping patterns.”

He glanced over at the pet bowl that rested against the white panel column that divided the kitchen from the living room. “I got you, boy.”

Joe told the black oriental shorthair as he placed him back onto the floor. First Joe moved over to the deep stainless steel kitchen sink to wash his cold hands, then back around to the pantry for Cassius’ food.

“There you go.” He caressed the cat’s back as he heard some creaking from up ahead.

He stood up as she stomped into the kitchen, “whaaat?! She’s alive!”

She took the rope to her fuzzy housecoat to whack at Joe who laughed at her. She then reached around to gently latch onto Cassius’ tail, caressing it as she said, “hey, babe.” Before carrying on her way.

“Tea or coffee?” She asked, although she already knew the answer.

Joe went back to the table to push the poinsettia further down the table as he went to work unloading the breakfast, “uh tea.”

“Grey.” She stated just as he added at the same time, “Earl Grey.”

Giving a thumbs up at the brown skinned man, Joe found himself softly smiling at the woman as he returned back to his own task.

“No work today?” She asked, while preparing the electric kettle.

Joe huffed as he took a seat, deciding to pick with her, “there’s no way I had work today waiting around for you.” Which earned a swift middle finger from the woman, “Nah…todays the day I let my new assistant manager run things for me.”

Her eyes went wide before she clapped it up for her friend, “I’m proud of you! I’m also a little shocked that you’re allowing this.”

“I am too,” Joe furrowed his brows, “but don’t think for a second that my guard is completely down. I’ve got cameras set up that I can tap into at any time from my phone, I also will be checking in with Ginny and Padma and will be there for closing shift just to make sure things are in fact, running smoothly.”

The electric kettle began to whistle just as she slammed the cabinet shut, now holding two mugs. It was her turn to laugh as she set the mugs on the opposite counter, disappearing behind the wall to retrieve the kettle from next to the stove and back to his mug.

“Tell me you’re not a control freak without telling me you’re a control freak,” she responded as she filled the mug with steaming water, “I thought days off are meant to be just that.”

“It’s a partial day off,” joe argued as he bit into a raspberry white chocolate scone, “this is my business we’re talking about here. Sure it’s been two weeks already with them but this is the real test.”

She couldn’t be mad at that, considering hearing how much of a pain in the neck it was for Joe to get the blue farm up and running. However he was headstrong, determined, and persistent and wouldn’t give up on his goals in life.

That was admirable.

“Well have some faith in them,” she suggested grabbing the tea bag next to place into a mesh tea ball strainer, then carefully placed it into the water, “you did hire them with good reason.”

“Yeah, it was in the budget.” Joe stated matter of factly which made her roll her eyes.

Of course this is what he would say. If Joe could do it all on his own, he certainly would. He did it in the beginning when he first started out and would try again if it ever came down to it. Joe can take the weight when he didn’t have to.

Carefully placing the mug in front of him, she attempted to snatch the scone that he was eating but Joe was too quick for her. Her stomach growled almost in anger as she sucked her teeth at the man who raised his hands in surrender.

“The hell was that?”

“It’s called hunger and you come to my house eating in my face without offering me a bite? And I made you tea? How shameful!” She whipped back around, tossing her robe over her pajamas as she grabbed the canister of sugar and back to the fridge for a slice of lemon.

Joe snorted, reaching for the small spoon to place three drops of sugar into his tea and plopped the lemon slice into the beverage, “You’re showing your true hospitality skills so don’t take that out on me. I bought the food!”

“Which you didn’t share!” She yelled back as she filled up her mug with ice.

“There’s a whole tray of food.”

“I wanted your scone.”

“There’s more scones in the container.”

“I wanted yours, Joe!”

“Well, that’s too damn bad!”

Which made the pair snicker at the joke while she prepared herself some ice coffee. Which never made sense to Joe, if it was freezing outside you should have warm items not cold! It was a whole debate between the two and he didn’t hide the judgmental look he shot the woman’s way as she finally plopped down in the chair beside him.

She rested her head in the palm of her hand as she sipped at the straw inside of her mug, watching Joe watch her.

“You went out last night?”

“You know I did.” She popped her tongue, before setting her bagel mug back down.

Joe inhaled at that.

She had a history of being a party girl once before back in college she told him when they became friends. She seemed to have it together after college was over with internships and working more minimum wage jobs, until she landed a job with a great company out here as a model builder. She shit-talked the job just like many people did their own but found joy in creating miniature houses and crochet objects to sell on her Etsy account.

“I hope you’re taking care of yourself, Darcy.”

She snorted at the man’s concern as she plucked up the said hash brown and held it up in the air then sunk her teeth into it, “Okay dad, I don’t need a lecture from you either.”

This was true since her dad sat her down earlier that year to steer her in the right path. He even encouraged her to get back into therapy, which was funny since he was ignorant towards the whole thing until he got with his new psychologist girlfriend. She was always in Darcy’s dad’s ear about something and she didn’t particular care for her either.

As petty as this was going to sound, at her big age, she’ll never be Darcy’s mother.

It felt too fast for Darcy’s dad to move on from the passing of her mother, in her opinion. Yet he didn’t want to hear that and kept the topic mainly on his daughter and her issues.

“I know,” Joe was gentle with his approach, “I just want to make sure you’re doing okay, that’s all.”

“I promise you I’m not throwing my life away,” she reassured her dark haired friend, “As a thirty year old, I should be wrapping it up and brainstorming about a 401k right?”

“I didn’t say all that,” Joe tilted his head to the side with a small smile, “anyone can still have fun at this age, we’re still young and cool as shit but i just hope you’re not into…anything else.”

“Don’t worry bud,” she said after chewing her potato, “none of that hardcore shit is ever entering this glorious body again. Sticking to the tequila and the occasional shrooms.”

Joe nodded as he blew at his tea, “…anything else for the pelvic pain?”

“Let’s talk about something else!”

Joe knew that was the limit as he sipped at his tea. He paused as he thought this over, “Georgia’s going to trial in a couple of months.”

Darcy hummed at this, unsure what to say. She knew how Joe felt about the southern peach and how he was still in denial about her being able to kill someone—let alone Cynthia’s decaying (at the time) husband. However she knew only bits and pieces of what Joe knew about her background and how she shifted Wellsbury the moment she rolled into town.

“And you’re gonna be there?”

“She’s my friend, I should be there.”

“Are you though,” Darcy asked with slits in her eyes, “you don’t really know what anybody’s capable of and then your whole thing with Cynthia…” she found herself gagging at the image of that happening and still struggled to swallow that down.

Joe frowned at this. It was a difficult decision considering he didn’t know where he really stood and Cynthia…it was either never the right time to discuss it or she was too busy to be bothered—all things considered of course.

Joe announced, “If you were accused of a crime, I would be there for you.”

“Duh,” Darcy clicked her tongue, “you might even be the person I call to help me bury the body…but our relationship is not the same as those two.”

Joe sighed, “you’re impossible!”

“I’m realistic.” She beamed as she finally bit into a scone, “don’t let your crush on Georgia and your past relations with the red head cloud your judgment. You don’t need to be involved in their nonsense.”

Exhaling Joe glanced off to the left out the window, in thought for some time, leaving the two to quietly eat their brunch.

“Hey, if you don’t know this already. I love you for your generous heart but those two and their problems don’t have to become yours unless you let it. Some may call it selfish but I call it smart, you have to protect yourself first and always especially if you let emotions get in the way. And if you don’t, I’ll kick your ass.”

Joe listened carefully to what she was saying but couldn’t help but to take it with a grain of salt. He knew Darcy meant well and if he let his big sister in on his business, she would probably tell him the same exact thing. They were alike in a lot of ways…don’t tell them he thought this! Darcy was in protect mode as Joe was in concern mode and that’s simply because they let each other in.

The brown skinned man puffed out a breath as Darcy was eating, lightly swinging her crossed feet back and forth while she watched Cassius run off into the living room. Her attention then went back to staring out the large window, which gave the wide view of land and hills covered in thick snow.

“Oh!” A thought suddenly occurred after awhile, “I think I drunkly made you something last night.

“Really?” Joe quirked up his brows in wonder.

She shoved the rest of the scone into her mouth as she scrapped the chair back, “mhm. It’s somewhere down here, I just hope Cassius didn’t chew it up.”

“He wouldn’t dare!”

“He’s only on his best behavior when you’re around so maybe,” Darcy shrugged her shoulders as she walked around the chair to enter the living room.

Joe took the time to look around the kitchen as he continued his breakfast. It’s not like he hasn’t been over plenty of times before, it was almost as if this house was just as much his since he had a key himself. He couldn’t help but to wonder what this house would look in the next five years—he even thought about how his ranch would look also! Would they still be neighbors from a distance? Joe didn’t ever see himself living out in California where his parents and sister resided. He was too attached to Wellsbury and always felt at home.

“Here you go!” Darcy called out, tossing this thick but soft object at Joe who scrambled to catch it, “I was going to name it for you and everything but I can’t do all the work for you.”

Joe analyzed the green object with beady eyes and a small pink v-lined smile, “is this a pear?”

“Yup! Don’t ask me how long it took me to make because I hardly remember anything when I got back here. Just that I was hungry and made that for you. And since I can’t give you any pears from my pear tree right now, that’s the best that I’ve got.” Darcy informed Joe who found himself smiling at it.

He’s seen a few of Darcy’s crochet items on Etsy and even purchased a few to send to his niece and her friends out in California. Now he was getting his very own and knew that it was meaningful.

“Well…you could also share your pear jam that you have sitting on your shelf back there.” Joe teased.

“You needy, ungrateful, asshole,” she spewed back making Joe laugh.

“No, seriously. All jokes aside, this is really awesome and I appreciate you thinking of me, even if when you’re shit-faced.”

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Narine.”

“Someone’s got to.” Joe winked at Darcy who rolled her eyes.

Darcy glanced at the sage pear and asked, “do you really like it? Or you just like it to not hurt my feelings?”

“Shut up, you know I do. If you wanted, I would buy all of the crochet things you make, since the dollhouses are more expensive and might be a little suspect when I have the guys over—but that just means it came from you! And I know you make these crafts with such care and I like supporting you. Whatever you need. I just think you’re pretty neat, that’s all.” Joe rambled and Darcy found herself sitting up straight as she listened to him.

He was rambling. It was something that he did when he let his nerves get the best of him?

“You think I’m pretty and neat or just pretty neat?” Darcy challenged.

Joe felt his eyes widen, “Geez. Who’s flattering themselves now?”

She smiled a real soft smile at him that made Joe feel something inside. Something he felt once before, except this warm feeling began to spread from not only his chest then to his cheeks but all over.

What was happening?

His hand soon found her clothed wrist before slipping his hand to lock with her’s. This was new. Darcy watched this interaction, squeezing her own hand back against Joe’s. The image was nice to examine, how his hand fit like the perfect puzzle piece against her own. It took some time for her eyes to meet his, she ended up taking a sharp breath, thanks to the intensity that was in his coffee bean eyes just now.

“Is it crazy to love you?” Joe suddenly said; that Darcy had to mash on her ear to make sure she heard him correctly.

She laughed it off, “no, just look at me. I’ve got all the best qualities but to be in love with me? Maybe. If that’s what you’re saying.” She quickly added.

It was Joe’s turn to squeeze her hand, “maybe everything we went through with everyone else, is the reason why we should be together.”

He was leaning towards her now, his hand still in her’s while he crossed over with the other to cup her warm face, “can I love you?”

Was Darcy dreaming right now? What the hell was going on? This was just supposed to be breakfast and now it led to this? Was Joe okay? Was she okay?! She was sure she was holding her breath but she’d be lying if she said her heart wasn’t pounding in her chest right now. It’s not like she didn’t ever think of the possibility and made up a secret contract if they weren’t married by thirty-five…you get it but was this out of convenience for him? Or could they truly be something great? At this time? There was so much to discuss but his breath was brushing against her Cupid’s bow and the weight of his forehead felt comforting against her own.

Her eyes were locked on Joe’s as he kept glancing from her’s to her lips. All she had to do was seal the kiss and Joe was the one waiting for her answer. He didn’t want to continue pushing boundaries—if he was but he always led with his heart.

Her lips were parted and just as she was about to brush her lips against his, a pounding at the front door caused them both to jump away.

Joe cleared his throat, rubbing at his mouth as Darcy fought to slow her breathing. The knocking and the doorbell kept going, almost rapidly as Darcy seemed to be in a dazed state.

“Can you get that?”

“It’s your house.” Joe held his hands out in confusion but the glare she sent his way, made him sigh, placing the crochet pear on the table as he began making his way through the living room.

He passed through the living room and down the narrow hallway to the front door. Unlocking it, Joe pulled the door open, a little annoyed to reveal a man standing with his back to the screen door.

Once he turned around, Joe couldn’t believe who he was seeing right now. He heard all about him and seen pictures but what was he doing here?

“Uh, hey. Is Darcy around?”

Joe awkwardly stretched out a smile and held up a finger behind the screen door and slowly went to close the door, “just a second.”

He sped-walked down the hallway back to Darcy who still sat frozen, hands clutching her iced coffee now in thought.

“Darcy…you’ve got company.”

“Who is it?” She kept her eyes trained out the window.

“It’s Bode.”

“Yeah, right.” She snorted.

However when she received no response from the man, her head snapped up to meet his gaze.

“You’re not joking?”

“Nope. He’s here, probably freezing out there too.”

“Joe!” She scrapped her chair back, “what the hell is he doing here?”

“I don’t know!” He yelled with raised shoulders,” Maybe you should find out.”

“Why?”

“To get closure.”

“I should get my bow and arrow.” She decided, “and shoot him in the ass, all the way back to California.”

Joe gripped Darcy’s shoulders to keep her from heading the opposite way and through the doors to get the said item from the screened in porch. He turned her back around, still gripping her shoulders and tried to be encouraging, “it doesn’t need to go there.”

Darcy raised a challenging brow.

Joe corrected himself, “I stand by what I said. Just hear him out so that you can both move on.”

“So we can get together?”

Joe paused, “…if that’s what you want?”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I want you to be happy!” Joe exasperated, “and it would be fantastic if that ends up being with me but—I think you need to get through that chapter first.”

“It was kinda closed when he basically told me he was done with my ass after I screwed him in that place.” Darcy muttered, letting Joe let out a low whistle.

He knew how much that stung.

“Just...go with the flow. And if things go south and you need a tag team? I’ll be here.” Joe cracked his knuckles.

Darcy snorted at Joe’s attempt to be threatening, “you’re too cute, Joey.”

Joe was bashful with a shrug of his shoulders as the door bell and knocks sounded again.

“Always so impatient,” Darcy scoffed, “wish me luck.”

“You’ll be okay.” Joe gave her shoulders a squeeze and a gentle rub, “and I’ll be here finishing this delicious breakfast all by myself.”

Darcy groaned as she stomped out of the kitchen and headed to the door. Joe watched with a small smile on his face, rubbing at his beard before he moved to take a seat back at the head of the table. Shortly after, Cassius reappeared to sit in Darcy’s seat instead.

“Thanks for the company, Cassius. I think I’ll need it.” He commented as the cat meowed at him.

Darcy took three deep breaths and glanced down at her outfit. She was still in her damn pajamas—which didn’t equal to her being at her baddest but whatever! This wasn’t about showing off, they had bigger issues to face and she didn’t exactly know what he was here for.

Taking a few more seconds to herself, she opened the door to see Bode there in the flesh blowing heat into the palms of his hands. His curly hair was longer now and lost its pattern…and she hated it. The crinkles were evident by his eyes, most likely due to the stress of losing his baby sister, having a falling out with his dad, and landing his ass in jail most likely resulted in that. He appeared still tired behind his blue-green eyes, otherwise than that he still looked the same.

“Darcy. Are you gonna let me in? It’s freezing out here and I’m definitely not used to this type of weather.” Was the first thing he said to her.

She titled her head to the side, hand still on the door, “what are you doing up here? Shouldn’t you be fighting fires or whatever it is you got yourself wrapped into?”

“I can explain all of that if you just—can we talk inside, please?”

Darcy swallowed, giving the man a hard stare before she unlocked the door and stepped to the side to let him in. He stalked in, standing in the official entryway and peered around.

“I see you’ve done well for yourself.” His low voice boomed off the walls.

Darcy almost slammed the door shut, locking it behind them as she turned to face the taller man. Crossing her arms, she eyed his boots covered in snow, “shoes off in my house. The snow messes with the wood.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Bode muttered as she carried on down the hall.

Bode figured it out for himself to place the shoes by the empty space underneath the mirror on the wall. He didn’t see any other shoes in the entry way, only a bookcase to the right, and a grandfather clock to the left. There was also a bedroom to the left with a daybed and to the right, he spotted another bedroom with a full-sized bed and wallpaper. No signs of any baby furniture, Bode noted to himself as he briefly glanced at the steps.

Perhaps there was something upstairs?

He took his time walking down the hallway, the wood creaked at his steps which let Darcy know he was heading her way. The living room was bright and open with a mixture of white and light gray paneling, along with a large painted white built-in entertainment center. There was a flatscreen on the wall that Bode admired before he turned back to Darcy who was watching him in curiosity.

One leg was crossed over the other as she sat in a green chair, waiting on him. She had a finger pressed into her temple as she pointed with the other, “you can take your jacket and drape it over the chair if you want.”

“Thanks.” Bode answered while he moved by the fireplace and plopped down on the brown bubble leather couch.

He wasn’t sure how long he would be here but he also had some respect. The man decided on unzipping his jacket and pulled his beanie from his head, scooping some hair behind a ear while spreading his arms along the length of the couch.

Darcy’s eyes were hot on Bode’s as he met her stare and held it. However his held amusement in them that she just wanted to smack right off. His intention wasn’t to be smug sitting here right now, not after how they ended but it was a little humorous that she still had so much fire in her—always.

“I’m not here to attack you—

Bode started just as Joe called out, “Tea, coffee, or water?”

Bode was confused as he leaned forward, then remembered that there was a man that previously opened the door. “That depends…are you the new boyfriend and plan on poisoning me?”

“Only if she sends the signal.” He vaguely called back.

Bode laughed at this.

“Um, I think I’m good for right now. Thanks man.”

“Sure.” Joe went quiet, now messing around with his phone.

Darcy sighed, beginning to roll her neck around, “Bode…why are you here so unannounced?”

“I’m pretty sure you have me blocked so…there really wasn’t any other way.”

“Couldn’t use your mom’s phone to reach out first?”

“I think she’s blocked too…which actually hurt her feelings by the way.”

Darcy began chewing on her bottom lip. She didn’t particularly feel a way towards the woman, she was a mother after all but she also didn’t appreciate being bombarded by Sharon Leone either.

Bode deeply inhaled, “look…I just want to apologize for everything. I don’t like the way things ended between us and it wasn’t anything you should take personal…I was just dealing with—jail. The weight of it all and everything else surrounding it. Unfortunately  you became part of that and you didn’t deserve any of that.”

It was Darcy’s turn to exhale at that. Slowly she nodded her head, “but I had to take it personal because I opened myself up to you when I shouldn’t have. We should have strictly stayed friends, especially since you just ended things with Cara.”

“That wasn’t that fresh.” Bode muttered, “We were together in high school up until I first started using. I always felt like she was more into me than I was into her…which is shitty to say but the truth. We later had a slip up when I moved out of edgewater but we never got back together. When I looked at you, I didn’t see temporary. I don’t know what I saw.”

“Oh, how special do I feel.” The words were dry, coming from Darcy’s lips.

Bode continued, “I’m not trying to do the whole comparison thing but I just want you to know that i shouldn’t have treated you as a one-two night only and then ghost you. I’m sorry about all of it and for saying that’s all you could be to me. I’m sure you’ll make someone very happy if it’s not—sorry man, I didn’t catch your name?”

“It’s joe!” He answered with a mouth full of food.

Darcy stared up at the ceiling in annoyance.

“Joe,” Bode smiled a bit, “and I’m not expecting any forgiveness just yet…just some understanding and for you to tell me anything that you need…or feel.”

Darcy picked up on Bode’s words and knew that he knew something. He was officially a free man and seemed level-headed but Darcy knew that was probably only a matter of time.

“I thought about all the things I would say to you but I didn’t get the chance because once you finished what you had to say, time was up. I wrote you a letter, kept it for months, then I burned it. I wanted to sleep around to get over you but that wouldn’t give me satisfaction. And months later when I’m back here in the MA…I have your mom knocking on my door just like you.” Darcy lightly shook her head at the memory and now Sharon tried to persuade her.

Bode propped his elbows on his knees then. He licked at his bottom lip, “where are they, Darce? Where’s our baby?”

Joe flinched in the kitchen.

Darcy wasn’t sure what noise came out of her throat just then but she felt like she was suffocating. She already knew that Sharon knew since she came to plead her son’s case, thanks to her dad being good friends with her and knew Bode’s dad, Vince avoided the topic all together. So the secret was out of the bag and Bode knew…but how much?

“Bode,” she started, “do you think a baby is going to fix this?”

“No…but I deserve to be in our child’s life.”

“I would have never—I wouldn’t no matter how big of a paper cut you left on me.” Darcy was strong with her words and he knew she meant them.

“Then why did you never tell me?”

“You hated me.”

“I never hated you,” Bode denied, “I hated my situation. I’m telling you my actions never had anything to do with you. Never.” He placed his hand on his chest.

She remembered the rough but passionate love-making, how he never wanted to look her in the eyes while he welcomed her in between his thighs. The first time she didn’t think much of it but the second she had to question it. That argument was short lived since the guards were escorting them away from each other. It continued on the phone but never finished, on her end, since everything was always timed.

He didn’t make her feel wanted.

She wasn’t sure why she was seeking that from him in the first place.

“…there is no baby.”

“What?” Bode whispered, “my mom told me. I-I saw the sonogram your dad had. The screenshot of your growing belly he had as his screensaver. What are you talking about?”

Darcy hugged herself then, feeling her insides ache. “She didn’t make it. I was eight months, six when your mom stopped by. Your mom wanted to adopt her because i wasn’t ready to be a single mom or rather a mom period. That’s why she came out here on her own. The baby was stillborn and I had to deliver her…the whole thing was brutal and traumatic…I wasn’t ever expecting you to come here.”

“…so you just assumed it would be better if I never knew at all.” Bode caressed his beard with his knee beginning to bounce in agitation.

That’s when he took the suede stool in front of him, lifting it up and over at the fireplace. Joe was on his feet in a instant as Bode began pacing the living room floor now. Darcy remained seated, holding her hand out to halt Joe from approaching him.

Bode rubbed at his mouth, “did you name her at least? Or think about how our daughter would have been better motivation to continue to get my act together? Or were you only thinking about yourself like you always do?”

“You think I’m selfish? I was dealing with this shit all on my own! You were risking your life everyday with those fires. You don’t know what that felt like feeling a life that you created growing inside of you, day by day, just to be ripped away like it never happened!” Her face was hot as she spoke her words, “To release death into the world instead of life! You don’t know! You don’t ever let anybody in, so why would you place that pressure on a growing child? to be better when you should want that for yourself! It’s not always about you either, Bode! I mean my god!”

Bode swallowed then, hearing the pain that was in Darcy’s throat. He knew that it must have been devastating and he would have done his best to be there or at least have his mother—

“I’ll fix the fireplace.” Bode glanced at crack, “but I just wish you would have told me.”

“What difference would it make? You didn’t love me. And she’s gone, we wouldn’t be a family and I didn’t want to be a mom.”

Bode was frowning now, “mom said you were pretty far along when she saw you last. There’s a cut off time if you didn’t want her—

“I know. I was going to give her to a family that could support her better. Love her better.”

“What makes you think I wouldn’t love my daughter?”

“I don’t know what you’re capable of Bode.”

“Wow,” He was in shock, “at least I know how you really feel.”

“I mean, how do you think it would work?”

“I don’t know but I would at least try! Which is something you didn’t want to do or want to give me the chance to do. And I have rights!”

“Those rights wouldn’t help you as soon as the court saw you have a record.”

Joe sharply inhaled at that and even dropped his head hearing this.

That was a harsh thing to say and she knew it.

They all did.

“I don’t mean to sound like a bitch but that’s just how the screwed up system works. I had the best interest for the baby, for her, if she made it.” Darcy began to zone off but that was short-lived.

“I don’t know if I believe that.” Bode muttered, “it honestly feels like you took what little time we had away. I was in the dark. Once my year was up I could have tried to get custody, or at least my parents or shit, even your dad could have raised her! so you didn’t have to be bothered. I’m on the right path now and that says more than what you’re doing.”

“Excuse me?” Darcy sat up now.

Bose folded his arms together, leaning on one leg more than the other as he pressed a finger to his cheek, “Your dad’s girlfriend told me that you’re going out more, blacking out…which sounded odd to me since, hypothetically, if you just gave birth not too long ago and easily gave our girl away…what were you celebrating exactly?”

“Fuck her and fuck you.” Darcy bit.

“It’s a valid thought.”

“It’s bullshit.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah because if you really think the decision to give up a child—my child,” Darcy felt her throat tightened as she pointed at her chest, “would be easy then you don’t know me at all. And to think we called each other friends once upon a time.”

“Well I guess we’ll never know, will we?” His stare was hard on Darcy’s who clenched her eyes at this time.

It sure felt like he was blaming her for the death of their child, although there was medically nothing that could have prevented this tragedy.

“I don’t ever want to see you. Just disappear again, you’re good at doing that.”

“Whoa, hey.” Joe intervened, “I think there’s a lot going on right now and the both of you should stop this and try having this conversation again, once you’ve both calmed down.”

Bode scoffed out a laugh, “that’s the problem with her man, she didn’t want to try. She wanted to get even. I deserved to know.”

Joe knew the last part of the sentence to be true but it wasn’t his place to speak on.

“You’re the one who shut me out back then! Why would I use our baby to get you to talk to me?” Darcy was on her feet now.

“Don’t you get it? None of that matters! I’ve lost enough in my life and my daughter is just another thing to add to the list! But you couldn’t give me that because you’re too pissed about old shit!. When you knew, it shouldn’t have been about us anymore. Are you listening?!” Bode couldn’t help but to let the emotions raise his tone.

“Get out.” Darcy felt her eyes burning.

Bode just stared at her.

She screamed, almost murder, “GET. OUUUT!”

He raised his hands and slowly stepped back and away from the woman. Bode leaned over the couch and snatched up his hat that he clenched tightly in his hands.

“…can you at least tell me if you named her?” Bode repeated while stood sideways in Darcy’s view, keeping his gaze straight.

Darcy sniffed and puffed out, “Cherie Leone. She had your dark blonde hair and your nose; she was a beautiful baby.”

“Hm. despite what you think, I would have given her the world.” Bode felt himself getting choked up too, a balled up fist went to his mouth before he sniffed and turned to exit the house.

Joe stepped after him, unsure what to say but knew that must have been hard to finally hear the truth. However his friend was behind him and as he turned to her, he had to quickly catch her by the waist as her legs gave out from underneath her.

The pair sat in each other’s arms with Joe caressing Darcy’s face as she sobbed. Darcy sobbed so violently that she was struggling to catch her breath, which worried Joe.

“What do you need me to do?” He was trying not to panic.

Darcy sat on her knees, pressing her forehead into Joe’s chest, one hand caressing her back while the other applied pressure in the crook of her neck.

This was what she needed.

Somebody like Joe.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2014 Nane asked me why I complain so much even though my life is so much better now, just like some others have asked me, and I told her that’s just how I am. She understood. At least I think she did. What I bitch about, though, doesn’t take away from the good. I still appreciate the hell out of the good times, trust me!

I was also right about her and Askim. They had a big argument and almost broke up. I would be surprised if they weren’t together forever, even though Nane can be a bitch at times.

Speaking of nagging… the people across the street are still working on whatever it is they’ve been working on. They’re not “noisy,” but they’re annoying and a bit distracting when I’m trying to focus on things. They just took off for lunch, but I’m sure they’ll be back.

This rain continues to amaze me. It’s like old times. I’m sure Jesse’s run down to the trailer to ask whoever’s in there now if the roof is leaking, even though all they have to do is call him if it is. It’s just after 12:30 in the afternoon yet it looks early morning out there.

Tom tightened the platform on my treadmill, though I’m too busy to run today. Plus I’ve got to have my toe done later on. Right now I’m doing laundry and am about to have lunch. Then I may straighten my hair. Maybe not, though. The rain will just curl it back up.

They gave Tom a nice shirt at work and a cell phone case, too. There are also hints of him replacing a guy who moved to another department which would mean a lot more money. He’s afraid to jinx it by getting into it much, and I don’t even want to think about the unfuckingbelievable shitload of money this could bring in case it’s a tease. He doesn’t know for sure what the guy was making, but it’s got to be at least bordering on insanity. We’ll know in about a month.

Later…

The surgery went over without a hitch. Whew! I’m so relieved the week of appointments is finally over. While I had to wait forever for her, the procedure went quickly and without as much pain as anticipated. As I was in the regular exam room, after listening to the ear-piercing screams of this little boy in the waiting room whose father did nothing to stop it, I heard the doctor step out into the hall and say, “The needle has to be long.”

Well, she can’t be talking about me, I thought to myself. Why would you need a long needle to numb a toe, right? Wrong. After she came and brought me to another room with a different kind of chair, she asked me if I wanted to lay back if I thought I was the type to pass out at the sight of what she was going to do, and I said I’d be fine sitting up. Besides, anything beyond a few feet in front of me is blurry without my glasses. But I could still see enough to know why she needed a long needle. Instead of sticking it straight into me, she ran it across my toe just underneath the skin. She stuck me 3 or 4 times, then put a clamp on. That’s a toe ring of sorts that acts as a tourniquet. When she was done her assistant bandaged the toe. It’s a good thing I took my flip-flops because it would’ve been hard to get my foot into the shoes I arrived in.

She cut the left side of the nail plate on the left big toe and warned me that there was a chance it could grow back ingrown at which time she would do more than just a section to guarantee it didn’t grow back curled. I’m also at risk of infection and bleeding, but I think I’ll be ok. Gotta keep the bandage on 24 hours, though.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m off my feet, but I can barely walk. Even though it doesn’t hurt it’s impossible to just walk normally. It only hurts if I put full pressure on the soles of my feet, and of course that toe. I have to walk on the outer edge of my foot or heel, and even then it’s uncomfortable. It may actually be easier if I crawled, LOL, and for the first time since being here, I wish the place weren’t so damn big. The bathroom is a mile away from my computer desk. It’s amazing, though, how much stepping on your foot affects the top part of it as well.

The only thing that pisses me off is knowing we owe hundreds of dollars. It would be thousands without insurance. We can afford it; I just don’t think it’s fair that only some people get free medical care. While I’m the first to admit the poor should never be denied health care, I don’t see why those with money should have to pay for it. Take it out of the taxes, why don’t they? Hundreds or not, I am at least getting top-of-the-line care with state-of-the-art equipment and the highest quality of services and remedies.

I was crying tears of both relief and gratitude regardless of who has to pay what. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and to having insurance… FINALLY. I can’t believe we discovered the cure for my ear in Maui so I could end years of suffering. If only I’d known to get a humidifier. I’m like a new woman! I can eat without pain and don’t have to suffer near-daily earaches, and soon I will no longer have to suffer from my toe even if that was mild compared to the teeth and ear. It was a horrible way to live being in pain nearly every day of my life for years. Every day I’d wake up and wonder, what will it be today? My ear or my teeth? God may still hate me but He sure is doing a great job of not letting it show lately and I hope it stays that way!

It rained hard most of the day. Mudslides have been occurring throughout the state as we get all this rain the earth hasn’t been used to getting in years. Golf courses and playgrounds are now as green as Hawaii. We didn’t have much visibility on the freeway. The backsplash from tires makes it harder to see than the actual rain falling from the sky.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2014 The red rosebushes are in bloom on the front side and they’re really beautiful to see along with the pink camellias.

Really wish the people across the street would finish whatever project it is that they’ve got going. The car doors, hammering and sawing are annoying at times.

Why is it that other than Nane and I, people seem to be on Facebook just as much when they’re on vacation as when they’re not? I can see checking in to let people know you’re okay and having a good time, but shouldn’t vacations be for doing things you don’t normally do in your everyday life?

Was glad the Arizona governor did the right thing by vetoing the anti-gay bill that passed, but I’d still never want to step foot in that state ever again and I never will. It’s no place for whites, gays or Jews.

If Google Analytics weren’t set up in such a complicated manner, I’d have known a lot sooner that I haven’t had any local visitors after all. If I have, they aren’t showing up. All those other browsers were actually showing every visitor within that time frame and not just local ones like I once thought. This would explain why TIP never saw them.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2014 Starting to think Nane broke up with Askim. Why else wouldn’t she tell me what’s going on? She’s told me before when she’d overspend like crazy and was hard up for money, and she’s told me when she’s been ill.

Where the sun was shining brightly yesterday and the day before, today it’s all cloudy and wet.

Saw the eye Doc yesterday, and sure enough, the eye pressure is still up. They don’t like to see anything over 20 and since I’m still around 24 and 26 the doc recommended a specialist in Citrus Heights. The good news is that my optic nerve looked fine and I haven’t lost any field vision. My close-up vision hasn’t changed much over the last year, so I’m not going to renew my reading glasses. I’m more farsighted, though, so I have to get my bifocals changed out, which means I’ll be half-blind for a week and a half since I can’t see far away.

Last year he didn’t recommend treatment because it was the first anyone’s seen or heard of me having elevated pressure. But now the doc is ready to officially list me as having OH but can’t determine why or what to do about it, so I’ll be seeing an ophthalmologist soon enough. It may or may not be the beginnings of glaucoma, but worst-case scenario, all I’ll need are eye drops. As the doctor himself said, “If a drop in each eye before bed is all you need to keep from going blind, why not?”

I agree. But I’m also sick of having one thing lead to another. I was healthy for years with little more than allergies, cavities and ear troubles. Now I’ve got a bum thyroid, high cholesterol and possible glaucoma.

Later…

My 5 cavities – yes 5 – have been filled. Andy’s reaction to the number of cavities cracked me up. So glad it’s over, though! I thought I’d be there for a little over an hour, but instead, it took 2½ hours. A woman named Holly whom I never met before did the x-raying and cleaning. She was very talkative and friendly. She advised me to add regular floss to my waterpick routine cuz the waterpick gets around the gum area well enough, but not the contact area where the teeth touch each other. It’s just so hard to floss. My mouth is so small and I have a permanent retainer on the bottom. I think I may eventually have that removed, which they also recommended, so I don’t build up tartar in that area so easily. These days they can make an invisible retainer that I can leave in overnight. On the other hand, I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I used to be when I was younger. So what if my teeth shift and end up crooked? It’s the damn cavities I’m sick of getting.

Since brushing and water picking alone aren’t doing the trick with my overly soft enamel, the cleaning lady recommended prescription-strength toothpaste that costs $20, but lasts 6 or 7 months. It’s got much more fluoride in it than regular toothpaste and is a better guard against cavities. You only use a pea-sized amount before bed and you spit the excess out but don’t rinse it like regular toothpaste.

The fillings are $80 apiece but worth it cuz she uses a special porcelain material that lasts longer than regular fillings. They’re the color of my teeth too, and not silver.

After I was cleaned up I was moved to another spot where Shannon and the doctor began their numbing, drilling and filling routine, which seemed to take forever. Shannon mentioned visiting me some time so she can check out the rats, which they asked about. Did I tell them about the rats? Or did they overhear me telling Holly about them when she asked if I had pets? If they didn’t, maybe they visit my blog more than I realize. If someone’s got cookies disabled or goes through a proxy, I’m not going to know they’re there.

What was amazing was that Holly recognized my name from being featured in a magazine a few years ago. I was hired by mturk.com to do an article for Newsweek. Personally, I don’t even remember what it was about. They wanted me to rewrite something for them without paraphrasing. I worked for, and still do, different people who need articles created, edited or re-written altogether for magazines, websites or whatever.

Anyway, she doesn’t have a Kindle yet but I told her I was an Amazon author and all that and she said she’d look me up, and my blog, which can be linked to from Facebook, as I also told her.

Janet, the receptionist, loved my haircut. The others didn’t say anything about it, but she said it was adorable. Sure looks better straightened, too.

We noticed the doctor had a throw rug over white pine wood floors in the waiting room, and Tom said that this was what I thought I would prefer when we do laminate flooring at home since he knows I don’t like most darker colors. We both laughed when I told him Andy said, “White pine? Where’s the puke button?” Something about his blunt honesty cracks me up. We all agree these floors are HIDEOUS. I can’t wait to replace the damn thing. We could save a lot of money by installing linoleum tiles that you can cut with scissors, but we’d be lucky to have them last 5 years. Better to spend more money for better quality as with the dentist. I’m sure this latest round cost us around $400, and that we’ll hit the max deductible, but on the bright side, we get a tax break.

The doctor asked if I wanted to break it up into two appointments or do it all at once, and I opted to get it all over with at once. She agreed that’s what she thought would be best.

She said to let me know if I felt my bite was off once the numbness wore off and they’d get me in right away to adjust it, but it feels fine to me. Just a bit of gum and jaw soreness, which I took ibuprofen for. My gums bled a bit as my teeth were being scraped.

The name of the place is Waikiki Dental cuz the doc loves Hawaii as much as I do. We won’t be going first class, and we’ll get a $100 room instead of a $400 room, but we WILL be back in Maui someday! Before this year I’d have said I like to vacation in a different spot each time we vacation, which isn’t often, for variety. Not anymore. Yes, I love you, Maui! I’ll get back to you again someday even though we’re finally getting some real rain here.

Yeah, it’s almost like old times and I can actually see green out there, and not just a few scattered patches of it. It was so nice being able to get out of the car, step into the carport, and then into the house and onto a mat we only step on when coming and going. In the trailer, we had to walk through muddy gravel, then step onto a towel I had to remove as soon as we got our shoes off, cuz it, like with all other open areas there, was a high-traffic area and I didn’t want to get my socks wet. If there wasn’t an object present in a particular spot, then it was because we needed to walk through it. It wasn’t like this place that has some open areas and corners we rarely walk through. In the trailer, if it was there it was because we had no other place to put it.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2014 Wow, I didn’t know Andy was once friends with Norma’s daughters as well. But he too, unfriended them for ignoring him. I could be way off base here, but I suspect they want people “within their league,” and that unless you’re a professional that makes good money, especially if you do anything they do, you’re considered less superior to them. At least that’s the impression I get. In other words failed author who works at home isn’t good enough for a therapist, a professor, or one who works for an attorney. So what if she’s accomplished enough, even as a “1950’s” homemaker that no husband other than Tom would stand for today?

Nane emailed me and said that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and that she’s getting stronger. She never said what happened, though. The curiosity is a killer! Is she not telling me because it’s hard to talk about? Because she doesn’t trust me? Or because she gets off on leaving me wondering?

My nieces are in Florida now for a week with their beloved father. Let me guess, I will have to be insulted by pictures of the bastard, right? I know it’s nothing intentional on their part, but still… I hate having to see it or hear about the prick. I will unfollow them if it gets too much. It’s not the same as unfriending them. These two post the same old shit over and over and it really gets old. On top of that, they share practically everything the other one posts.

Later…

Created a Dreams journal on a site that allows for multiple journals. As in the kind of dreams I don’t have when I’m awake. As I was going through old journals I found that the number of dream premonitions, many of which I’d forgotten, is both shocking and creepy. I also couldn’t help but think, how did I miss this? You mean it really took till something like 2007 to realize I’m a dream premonitioner? But hey, that’s part of what a journal is for; so you can look back and see what you may not fully remember.

It’s been quieter today. Yesterday a truck was parked across the street moving furniture in and out and the bumps and bangs reminded me of attached living. But after an hour it left and I could feel like I was in the unattached house that I live in once again. I don’t miss having to deal with that and having to know it every time a neighbor in the duplex or apartments I once lived in long ago would shut a door, push back a chair, or close a cabinet. Forget about their music, TVs, voices, footsteps and other shit.

Our tentative plan in a couple of months from now is to have all the carpet ripped out of here and to just carpet the living and dining room with what may be pink or lavender since we won’t be doing the whole house. Then we will tear up these floors ourselves and install laminate flooring in something like a white pine. This will go better with things and I hate dark colors anyway. Maplewood, cherry wood, mahogany… yuck. I want something closer to white than brown.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2014 Nane picked up my message on Facebook, so she’s at least alive and probably at work.

Getting up this morning was a real bitch after 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to get up at 6am, but was so exhausted I hit the snooze button twice. Finally, I just bumped the alarm up to 7am and got up 15 minutes later. Really hope I can crash earlier tonight to catch up! The 4th, when this latest batch of appointments will be over, can’t come fast enough. It isn’t just the stress of trying to sleep and get up at certain times I need a break from, but just the appointments themselves. The eye and ear appointments should be easy enough, but I hate getting drilled and filled by dentists, and of course the toe surgery’s got me nervous.

Tom reminded me that we need much less sleep when we’re in our 60s and 70s. Yeah, but I’m only 48, so this isn’t much consolation to me now, LOL.

Anyway, I’m sitting here with a touch-up dye job and the timer set. Once it dings I’ll hit the shower and get on with my day, cleaning, working out, working online, etc.

It’s to be in the low 70s today and tomorrow but then drop into the 60s and rain Wednesday through Friday.

Later…

Unfriended all 3 of Norma’s daughters on Facebook. Sorry, but they were just too Shelley-like, making you feel like they care and promising to keep in touch, but then acting like you’re total strangers. They’re relatives but not family. I don’t want to be just another name on one’s friend list. Other sites don’t matter but Facebook is different. That’s the one place I expect you to be for real. It irritates the hell out of me when people create accounts under bogus names. I can understand when some need to do so to avoid stalkers, but when you do it for other reasons it makes me wonder if you’re hiding something.

Funny how Andy’s not a relative but is family while Sharyn, Deb and Michelle are cousins but not family. The original plan was to wait till Norma died so as not to hurt her feelings when and if she notices I let her kids go, but not only is Norma bound to live forever at the rate she’s going, but I have a right to live my life, too. Sometimes we really have to do what’s best for us and not worry how others will take it. She saw the “warning” I posted just for her and her daughters’ viewing saying I was considering deleting those I don’t hear from anyway, and she “liked” it. I think they just felt bad for me when I lost my parents and bad for what they put me through, then remembered that they didn’t necessarily care for “crazy” Jodi. No hard feelings, though.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2014 It’s a good thing I woke up on my own at 6:30 because I forgot to set the alarm. Where keeping a schedule was getting tough and my hours were jumping ahead way too fast, now it’s slowed down and gotten easier. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been trying an experiment Tom suggested. No lying down during the daytime. I would sometimes veg out for 5-10 minutes once or twice throughout the day in between tasks just to sort my thoughts or whatever, but now I must stay out of bed until at least 8 hours before I want to get up. Then I must stay in bed after that. No getting up to check my blog visitor list or email or anything like that. I can read, but I gotta stay in bed. This is to help keep me rested for the 4 appointments I will have over the next 8 days.

Got a message from Tammy after not hearing much from her and suspecting something was up. Sure enough, there is good news and bad news. The bad is that now she needs shoulder surgery. It’s arthritis-related, apparently.

She was telling me she had to take thyroid medication once (something other than what I’m taking), but only for 4 or 5 years. As I told her, though, the doctor told me I’d probably have to take my levothyroxine for the rest of my life. If I don’t my thyroid might eventually turn cancerous. I’ll probably always need the Simvastatin too, especially since I’m at a greater risk for heart disease.

I’ll probably always be big, but since starting the medication I’ve had fewer bouts of fatigue and it’s amazing how much better my ear is, too. The ear isn’t connected to the thyroid, though. The problem all along since leaving Arizona (not that I miss that shit state that loves you if you’re black, Indian, Asian and whatnot, but hates you if you’re gay, Jewish and sometimes just cuz you’re white) was the elevation in Oregon and the extreme dryness here. We’re on for rain again next week. Of course we are now that we’re smart enough to get a humidifier!

This area may be too dry and too cold in the winter, but it’s an ideal climate for runners. No extreme cold to have to deal with or snow and ice to have to dodge.

Anyway, where I’m excited for Tammy is that she and Mark have decided there’s nothing for them in Connecticut and are putting their house on the market in May or June and heading for Florida. She said it’ll be way smaller than they’re used to, but at least there they can do something any day of the year and will have lots of water all around them. They’re going to Stewart, I guess. Mark’s also been dealing with some serious shit at work, but hopefully their remodeling business will do well there. A 2600-square-foot house on a couple of acres is too much for them with all their medical problems.

She thinks the rats are hilarious. I’ve changed many people’s outlook on rats and will probably do so all my life. It’s pretty cool when one of the people who will never see rats the same again is your sister. Wild rats can carry diseases, yes, and they can be destructive little devils, but for the most part, they’re like gay people - picked on, shit on, misunderstood and ousted for no reason other than cuz they are who they are.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2014 I was taking a shower, reached for my bath gloves, and next thing I know I’m wearing my wedding band again! It had come off when I last pulled the glove off. I’ve got to be more careful now that I’ve begun losing weight.

Had no trouble getting up when I wanted to today, even though I thought I would, and I haven’t had any bad dreams.

Don’t know if I’ll make my ear appointment, but my eyes, teeth and toe will be no problem.

Wish I had more to say but there’s really nothing else going on. I’m a little worried about Nane, though, but hopefully I’ll hear from her soon.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 No thyroid surgery needed! Whew! But there were a couple of funny nodules on the left thyroid (though nothing to suggest an underlying malignancy at this time) that would explain why I got a “flash” of a bad vibe as she was rubbing the image scanner over that side of my neck. The negative vibe was gone almost as fast as it came. I mentioned it to Tom on our way out but wasn’t worried. Especially since I wasn’t having nightmares. Nightmares are my number one warning of trouble ahead.

Instead, I slept fantastically last night and had mostly weird dreams. Me talking to an imaginary friend in front of Tom, knowing he’d think I’d gone crazy. My dead dad wanting to buy me a parcel of land.

Anyway, I still have to take the medication, as Tom said, because I definitely will develop thyroid cancer in the future if I don’t. Without the medication the thyroid struggles harder to produce hormones it can no longer produce on its own. It would take years, but it would eventually sprout cancerous growths.

Significant weight loss is looking less likely but that’s okay. I’m big enough to keep perverts and other trouble away, but not so big I can’t bend over or anything like that.

Despite being glad to see the experts tell me everything’s fine even though my intuitive/psychic side said not to worry, I wish I could stop worrying as much as I do. I guess it’s just in my nature, though. I used to dwell on the past too much. Now I worry about the future too much. I think if I had to choose, it was better being stuck in the past because the past can never change or become any worse than it was no matter how much it may’ve been bad enough. But with the future… anything goes.

Later…

Andy and I got into it early (though we kissed and made up, LOL) about stupid shit we both misread. You know how it’s easy to read things into something online that isn’t even there. He thought I wasn’t buying his ability to pay his bills when I asked about his schedule, which has been different lately than I last knew it to be. If anything I thought business was booming so much that he had to cut back, not that he’d lost accounts. I believe what he tells me. If he told me that he could make himself invisible, jump 50 feet in the air, and run 100 MPH, then I’d have trouble believing him. Otherwise, there’s no reason for me to think anything he told me wasn’t true.

Then I got pissed cuz for the thousandth time he said I’d be working if I didn’t have Tom, sleep disorder or not. And for the thousandth time, I told him I would still be on disability and that I was terminated because I got married. I know what they told me. I was there. And I’m just telling him what they told me. It’s fucked up and totally unfair, but that’s the way the system is. Even more unfair is that I can’t get the benefits reinstated no matter how many doctors diagnose me because I didn’t work enough years to “qualify” between 1994 and now. How many times do I have to explain this to him? I asked myself in exasperation, but then I felt bad for accusing him of trying to irritate me in ways that he was in fact not.

So neither of us is perfect and we both make mistakes at times. I appreciate his being glad I forgave him and that he never wants to offend or lose me. I feel the same way. :) He’s like family to me, annoying at times or not. But hey, we all get annoying sometimes, even me.

Do I think I could’ve made it on my own had they cut me off for some other twisted reason if I hadn’t met and married Tom? Honestly? Knowing my body, no, I don’t think I could make it no matter what was at stake. I can go without sleep here and there but not every single day of my life. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out, though, and if I’m right, then maybe God really doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If this is true, then maybe part of why He blessed me with Tom was to save my ass cuz maybe they would’ve cut me for some other fucked up reason. They damn near killed us both by cutting his unemployment too soon in 2011, so why not? We’ll never know for sure and that’s ok with me! I’m just grateful that I have a husband that loves me enough to take care of me in ways that I can’t since the government will never give a shit about me any more than they do most folks.

First chance I get to sue them silly (if the laws ever change) and to get my benefits reinstated, I’m going for it! I don’t expect this to happen, but I’d fight for my benefits if I could. They’d probably only be 1 or 2 hundred bucks a month but that’s not the point. The point is that anyone who can’t work should be given disability checks regardless of marital status, age, race, color, sexuality, etc.

Do I still blame God just as much as those who have abused me? I do. We’d blame any friend or family member who didn’t come to our defense if someone was trying to harm us. Well, he not only didn’t come to my defense where my mother was concerned, but he also saw to it that she led a pretty decent life up until her final year or so. IDK, sometimes I’m not sure what to think or believe. I guess it depends on my mood and the situation at hand. It’s always easier to see the good in life when you’re in a good mood and things are going well. But when you’re in a shitty mood and everything’s going wrong, you tend to see nothing but evil.

Good mood, bad mood… I still can’t believe how evil and twisted Arizona is. A bill to allow the discrimination of ANY group is truly barbaric, wrong, insane and so dark ages. What’s scary is that this opens the door for more insanity. Really, what’s next? A bill that allows you to murder gays, Jews or whites because of your own personal warped religious beliefs? What is this world coming to? We favor blacks, we hate gays, and then we consider most everyone else “in the middle?” Texas used to be my most hated state, but Arizona sure changed that 14 years ago and then some more with their “Let’s Pick on Gays” bill. Even if I’d never ever been attracted to another woman in my life, I would still feel as disgusted and appalled by it as I do. I judge others based on their behavior and not their color or sexual preference, and I’m not going to apologize for how I feel, for to do so would be apologizing for being real.

Life would be close to perfect at least for me if I could just find my damn wedding band! I had just gotten into bed last night when I was hit with an image of the Robo vac sucking it up, but a search of the trash, which was where I emptied it out, turned up nothing. Nada. Niente. Nichts. :( It’s probably behind the bed unless the rats are hiding it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2014 Went into panic mode last night when I was still awake after being up for 20 hours. For some reason, I thought my appointments were the week after next, though one of them is. Next week is eye, teeth and toe and then next week it’s ear. The ear is iffy, but I’m bound and determined to make the other 3 no matter how much I am not looking forward to them. I still think my eye pressure will be down and my thyroid won’t have any funny growths if she can ever get around to posting my ultrasound results online, but I’m still nervous.

A part of me wanted to drop dead last night for the first time since 2011 when it looked like we’d lose it all. The thought of battling this type of sleep disorder for another 30 years or so and knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it is truly overwhelming and depressing at times. Tom said to quit trying so hard and stop taking things to help me sleep. Might as well. They’re not doing me any good anymore anyway. Not the Benadryl, not the Melatonin, not the wine. What am I going to do when I get old, though, (if I live that long) and have to see doctors every week like most old folks do? How the hell am I going to handle that???

I hate the devil and God above and whatever the hell else may’ve cursed me with this debilitating issue that is more than I can handle at times. Please tell me I did something really horrible in a past life – I mean REALLY horrible – to deserve this shit! Meanwhile, I will not let Him/they/it/whatever win. I WILL get to at least the 3 appointments scheduled for next week, even though I’m sure that after getting up at 7:30 I’ll be up till 3am - 4am. Really I’m not even going to try to get to bed at a decent hour. It’s just that my schedule’s jumped nearly 8 fucking hours in just 2 days. That’s way fast for me. I can’t afford to keep going that fast because the appointments aren’t till the 25th, 26th and 28th.

I was almost ready to cancel all the appointments and even stop taking my meds. Why take cholesterol medication when I can just watch what I eat? Also, my thyroid condition isn’t life-threatening. Worst case scenario I just stop losing weight. I’ll probably naturally gain back the 4 pounds I lost anyway, even if I keep dieting and exercising. For me, it’s more a matter of how much I eat and not what I eat. I’m more likely to lose weight if I have 4 candy bars in a day than 2000 calories of fresh fish. Either way, without thyroid medication I can at least stay the same weight so long as I run. I will make a decision later on. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting to my appointments. Thank you, God, for making such simple everyday shit so damn hard for me and even downright impossible at times.

Later…

Thanks to Fuckbook now posting news headlines on newsfeeds, I get to see all the sorry shit going on in this world. Arizona passed a bill allowing the legal discrimination of gays. Only Arizona could do something that sick, but they sure love you if you’re black. Blacks, Mexicans, Indians and Asians are perfectly welcomed and favored there, but you’re fucked if you’re gay, Jewish or just plain white. You’re fucked even more if you’re dealing with non-white opponents in the courts, and yes, I’m speaking from firsthand experience and not just what I’ve heard others go through. See why I’ve come to hate that state so much, though? Really, I can’t believe I lived there for 12 years and 2 days. The thought of just placing a single toe into that state makes me pretty sick to my stomach.

Maybe God really does hate gays, though I honestly found it hard to believe that any God could hate any particular group as a whole. Why allow them to exist if He did? I don’t doubt for a millisecond, though, that He can hate individuals; I just don’t know why. Maybe if there is an afterlife He can tell me why he’s had it in for me for so much of my life… abused by my mother, then by the system, then thrown into poverty, and hopefully now He’s not gearing up to make me a medical whore. Still, God is like people.

People: If you don’t adore blacks you’re a real shit, but if you hate gays you’re so damn cool.

God: I’ll kill the innocent child with cancer or let mommy kill it in a fit of rage, but I’ll let the cold-blooded murderer walk and maybe even win the lottery.

Later…

Let’s see, aside from Arizona allowing people to use God/religion as an excuse to be legal bigots, I’m still in a foul and worrisome mood. Just got a lot more going on than I’ve had in a while and it’s not about fun submarine rides, warm beaches or a pleasant day here in the park. It’s I can’t sleep and I wanna stop having so many damn doctor’s appointments! I read that apples give you the same energy caffeine does, so I had an apples-and-cream fruit cup upon waking up and it did seem to perk me up a bit. I’m still tired for the most part, though, but just like always I’m sure I’ll wake right up come evening time. I’ll be up till around 2am - 3am and need to be up by 8am. So another night of fewer than 8 hours of sleep for me. Want me to be a little street bum instead, God?

I got up at 4am, exhausted as hell with barely 4 hours of sleep, which is like 4 minutes to me, and Tom was filling the humidifier’s water tanks. That’s when I looked up and saw a wasp inside the panels of the kitchen’s drop-down ceiling. Must’ve come in through the stove vent. There was a dead one there when Tom cleaned that vent. sighs Sometimes I wish I could stand to live in an apartment or condo toward the top of a high-rise. Fewer bugs, less traffic noise if we were high enough, no yard work… But the yard work helps Tom keep active since he doesn’t run like I do, so he doesn’t mind too much.

When Tom pointed out that I could easily make next week’s appointments if I start with getting up at 8am and slowly inching forward, I went back to bed till 7:30. I was surprised to beat the alarm by even the half-hour I beat it by, but like I said, I’m sure tonight will be worse and tomorrow even harder. It’s after 11pm now and I’m dragging in a fog. By 6pm - 7pm I’ll spring to life and be wide awake. I know myself.

Despite how out of it and frustrated I feel, I was glad to learn that Eileen did get my postcard from Hawaii after all, and I also got a letter from my Italian dad. He’s got high blood pressure and his kidneys aren’t doing too well, but is otherwise keeping busy with the business. He says that’s what keeps him from moving to a nicer climate.

Hearing him mention the “young” 41-year-old who’s been helping him out put a smile on my face. He said he’d marry her if she wasn’t so young and that for him they’re either too young or too old, LOL.

He said he’d never have the guts to go in a submarine. Yeah, I suppose there is some risk to that. If the thing had flooded at 130 feet down, well… But it probably wouldn’t have been instantaneous and we probably could’ve swum to the top. Still, I’m glad it didn’t and that we didn’t have to find out for sure if we could make it or not.

Heard from C, after all. He said he’s not on Facebook much. He’s smart and I don’t blame him.

sighs I want to go lie down for a bit and rest, but am afraid I may fall asleep. Ain’t life grand? I gotta worry about falling asleep when I DON’T want to, and struggle to fall asleep when I DO want to. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not kill myself or anything like that, but simply cease to exist.

What other stupid shit are people up to in the news these days? Oh yeah, an artist smashed a million-dollar vase in Miami in protest of it showing off only international artists. What a dumb-ass thing to do. Really, why spend years in prison and pay a shitload of money in fines when you can simply not bother with that museum and find one that will showcase your artwork? Then again, keeping in mind how twisted the laws are, maybe nothing much will happen to him. You know how it is… steal thousands of dollars, beat someone up, and you’ll get shit for it. Write down that your personal opinion of someone who’s not gay, though, and you’re screwed.

Later…

Now I have one more reason to be upset; I lost my wedding band. Funny cuz the woman who last lived here lost hers, too. What, does this house have something against married women? I only take it off when putting lotion on my feet, so it’s got to be either by this desk or by the bed. It can’t fall off cuz I’m too fat for it to do so, which is one of the reasons I don’t mind staying big.

If it was on the desk and fell off, the rats might’ve gotten it. The problem with rats is that they’re kleptos and they would have hidden it somewhere. I checked all the places they could hide it in… around the bed, around the desk, then said to myself, “Stop. Just stop. This is stupid. You know you never find things when you’re looking for them.”

So, I’ll stumble upon it when I least expect it. Like I said, it’s got to be here somewhere. At the same time, I fear I’ll never find it. If I had to guess, though, I probably will find it by accident someday.

Both my long and short-term memories are going to hell so badly that I can’t remember the last time I had it on, but I know it was a day or two ago, three at the most.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2014 So Kathy sent Alison a message on Facebook accusing her of harassing her and Kim from “Rina Tina’s” account, which she promptly blocked without answering. I’d have done the same. As she said, she wouldn’t dignify her accusations with a defense. I guess Kathy also thinks one of us wanted to friend her from a fake account, but as she also said, cruel sounding or not, she’s a stay-at-home mom who no doubt spends all day updating every single trick her fat brat has learned and posting tons of “cutsie” pics. She’s not interested in that any more than I am.

Everywhere I go people’s kids are practically shoved down my throat with their unrestrained antics. Do I need to deal with this shit at home and in cyberspace, no thanks! So if she had to dump me, she picked a great time to do it.

As I told Aly, though, I refuse to mention her, Kim or Molly in my blog. They simply don’t exist for me anymore and that’s the way I’m going to keep it whether or not I exist for them.

It’s hard to say if I do or not. There have been no Austin or Brownwood visitors, which would mean Molly or Kathy were nosing in it, but Kim likes to hide, so I can’t say if she’s following me. I had my first Ask account wide open for a week, but nothing came in, so if Kim wasn’t interested in me there, it’s hard to believe she’d be interested in my tweets and blogs. Depends on how paranoid and delusional she truly is.

Later…

Got lost on the way to the medical plaza, but got there in time for my ultrasound once we finally found the Diagnostic Imaging section. I guess in a day or two I can access my results online, which will hopefully not include anything suspicious.

Last night I had disturbing dreams, slept later than I wanted to, and then I woke up to find I hadn’t lost any more weight.

It was one of those old “find enough money for another night in the hotel or go homeless” dreams, only this was a nice hotel with lots of water around it. Hawaii? Florida? Wherever it was, I hated that feeling of utter helplessness I had as Tom and I scurried around the grounds trying to figure out what to do.

At one point during the dream, I was in the room when the housekeeper knocked on the door. We brought our Robo vac of all things and I told her to hang on a moment while I stopped and hid the thing. When I opened the door, she goes, “What are you, high?”

Not bothering to hide how offended I was, I said, “No, I’m crying.”

Then I thought of calling my dad who was still alive and still at the number we had when I was a kid.

I was up forever yesterday and knew I had to catch up and that another day of fewer than 8 hours of sleep would really make me feel all yucky and useless. So I slept 2 ½ hours later than I’d have liked to, but will make myself get up earlier tomorrow no matter what. Yeah, this time around it seems much harder to control my schedule, but I don’t have enough time to flip it either. So in order to avoid getting too run down, I’ll catch up every other day which will be the days I’ll work out.

Later…

Wondering if C’s ignoring the message I sent him yesterday saying hi. Haven’t communicated since August and sometimes I wonder why. Because I haven’t donated lately? Something I said?

I wish Andy weren’t home so damn much. He only works something like 20 hours a week and is almost always online. Can’t he go out more to exercise and lose the weight he wants to lose instead of staying home complaining he’s 235 pounds and how hard it is to tie his shoes and wipe his ass? I know I don’t have to respond the instant he checks in on Ask, but still, if he must be home so often, I wish he’d be busy with other things more often than he is. If I ignore him for too long I start to feel guilty.

Later…

After today we’re going to be in the low 70s for several days. I still miss Maui. I’d rather the drought from hell than snow, but at least some patches of green are now visible here and there. The cherry and apple trees began blooming a week or two ago and are so beautiful. Mid-February through April is the prettiest time here. It doesn’t compare to the beauty of Maui or most other tropical locations, but it’s the most colorful time for NorCal even though we have flowers year-round here. The only problem with the cherry and apple trees is that they’re so ugly in the summertime. They turn a deep plum/maroon color that’s dull as hell.

Ran down a street I never ran through when running and found the road a bit beat up and the houses there to be more cramped and dumpier. I guess the older section is close to the office, which makes sense. They probably set up homes starting in that area before expanding outward. Clearly, those were homes built in the 70s. I still can’t believe we’re in an 80s home, though most of the ones around us are 90s and newer. Anyway, I made the run in the same 22 minutes I made it yesterday. I really should stay out longer for around 30 minutes. It’s just that I like the idea of passing the same houses only once where each step I take is truly unique. Doubling back adds time to the run, but I don’t get to see something new with every step I take.

Yesterday’s stop at Raley’s after the ultrasound was a waste of time and money. I got a high-cholesterol meal I forgot I shouldn’t be having (bacon-wrapped scallops) and that was rather high in calories, too. I also got some wine coolers thinking they’d help relax me enough to fall asleep faster, but they’re not helping much anymore. Maybe I’ve built up a tolerance for them and all they’ll bring me from now on is extra calories I don’t need.

I see a lot of people are disturbed about a spanking bill that’s been passed. I can understand their problem with it, and violence never solves problems, be it a little slap or a hard punch and kick, but something’s gotta be done. Something. Kids today are simply way out of control. If the parents aren’t going to teach them manners, respect, consideration and discipline, then it must fall upon the teachers to do so. Children are tomorrow’s future. Do we really want a bunch of unruly, selfish animals running the world at some point?

I can’t even go to the store without some kid screaming in my ear. Even in the waiting room of the medical center, a toddler was running up and down the hallways. An adult was with it, but still, that’s not the place to exercise your brat.

Later…

Nane told me she had big-time personal problems, was a little burned out, was drinking wine, and going to sleep early. That’s all she said. She didn’t give me any details. Is it money problems? Health problems? Askim problems? I’m guessing money or health. Maybe it’s connected to her job, but if it is, that could also be connected to money if she’s on the verge of being let go. Maybe she’ll tell me what’s going on some time.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2014 Slept less than 8 hours and was exhausted when the alarm went off. Not liking the idea of having to play alarm for 13 more days to get through this next batch of appointments, so I’m thinking I’ll let myself catch up tomorrow, then hold my schedule at whatever time I get up for the next few days. That way it won’t jump so much so fast.

Dropped another two-tenths and got up at 148.2 pounds which would’ve been about 147.8 had I slept as long as I needed to.

Today’s my ultrasound. They wanted to do it yesterday evening at 7:15, but that was too late for both of us. No bad dreams suggesting any suspicious growths, but I did have a weird dream where I looked in the mirror and saw a different face. Instead of a full face with green eyes and brown waves, I had an absolutely humungous face with little sunken round black eyes and black spiral curls.

Anyway, I’m hoping to find the energy to run a bit today, but will probably just end up lazing around. Vacuumed the whole house yesterday and didn’t have to lift a finger. The slave did the back of the house, charged up at the charging station, then did the front.

Some older guy shot up an SUV of black teens blasting music. It’s about fucking time, regardless of the SUV’s occupant’s age/color! Maybe now they’ll start considering making it illegal or at least make some of these assholes think before forcing such maddening chaos on others. Mr. Dunn is my hero and I’m sorry he has to spend 20-60 years in prison. He doesn’t deserve that. Blasting those fuckers isn’t much different than literally getting in one’s face while screaming at the top of your lungs. Get in someone’s face unnecessarily and without provocation and some people just might react. Really, I still cannot understand how some people can treat others as they do and then get all offended when the person finally reacts. I still don’t feel a shred of guilt for the words I wrote on paper no matter what any laws say and I never will. The sickos were as crazy as they were rude if they expected me/Tom/us/others not to react, and I think they’ll never know how lucky they were that it was just words on paper cuz I’m sure most would’ve taken it a step further than that after so many years of unasked-for abuse. In fact, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. As fucked as the laws are it probably would’ve gotten me less time than my offensive but harmless reaction got me.

Later…

Ran 1.5 miles at a little over 3 MPH in 22 minutes. Really wish others who are out walking or running at the same time would just ignore me as we pass each other. I’m deaf in one ear and the other has an earbud blaring in it! Let me guess, though, I’m a snob for not always stopping to chat, right? And if I did stop, I’d be nosy, right?

Yeah, as I’ve learned, we’re never universally accepted. Someone’s always got a problem with us no matter what we do. There’s this song – I forget what it’s called or who it’s by – that says, “If you don’t lose weight, you’re just fat. If you do, you’re on crack. So you might as well do what you want.”

If I talk about myself, I’m selfish. If I talk about others, I’m a gossiper. People get on me to be more sociable, but what if I was? If I were a regular little social butterfly how many people would be quick to tell me, “You really oughta spend more time alone and not depend on others so much for fun and entertainment.”

I am amazed people aren’t quick to critique me for running. LOL, why not? They pick on everything else? So if sitting around means I’m lazy, does working out mean I’m running from demons or something?

If I don’t ask about someone, then I don’t care. If I do ask, then hey, it’s none of my business!

At 5:30 I felt a little more awake after food and a shower, but I’m still pretty tired and it’s only 10am. My appointment isn’t for 5 hours. :( The good thing is that I can stop this anytime. Anytime I get sick of all the appointments and whatnot, I can put my foot down and say, “No more!” It’s wonderful knowing that no evil mother, institution or law enforcement is making me do this. I wasn’t kidding when I finally took back my life in 2003 and promised myself I’d never again be treated like a child and slave to any person or system.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2014 The “dream people” told me the night before last that Andy’s neighbor had a baby boy. He confirmed this to be correct when he got up, Jaime Jr. I knew she had a kid, just not what gender till I had the dream.

Now thinking the 4 “skinny” dreams I had were in regards to the discovery of my broken down thyroid and the pills that are now kicking in and giving me the results one SHOULD get from diet and exercise. I don’t remember all of them but in one dream I was in the tub, looked down at myself, and saw I was thin. I don’t want to just be thin, though, I want to be fit. :) Non-cardio days are strength-training days.

The medication has gone beyond helpful and into being close to a miracle. Funny too, cuz I always swore there was no “magic” pill. Well, this has been close enough. I slacked off on both diet and exercise before the trip, and of course the pills don’t kick in right away, then shot up to 152.8 pounds and now I’m down to 148.4. Ideally, I’d like to reach 110, but 120 is probably more realistic. Who knows, though? Maybe I’ll stop getting results at 140 and will be stuck there, though I’d rather that than the 150s.

Our savings is the lowest it’s been in over a year, which sucks big time. We’re not in danger of struggling but we do need to go easy on the spending. We’ll probably still get the dishwasher in a few weeks but will go slow on the rest of the home improvements. We’re IN the damn house and that’s most important than trying to get in one, shitty carpet or not, in the first place. Instead of doing all the carpets and floors in one day, we decided to see if we could get a cheaper place like RC Willey to remove all the carpet but only re-carpet the living room, dining room, and then down the hallway. That way we can move the beds, dressers and desks into the kitchen and bathroom. Then, as time and money permits, we will install new flooring ourselves in the kitchen, baths, bedrooms and laundry room. Cheap carpet is fine for what’s just two adults.

I feel bad for Andy and grateful that next door isn’t attached to us like his neighbor is who just had a baby. When he said he could hear the mother cooing to it, that pretty much told me how thin the walls are unless she coos unusually loud. Sure enough, he can hear the thing when it cries. I reminded him that in a few years, he could check into a retirement community, but he insists that’s his permanent home till he’s either dead or sent to a nursing home.

I was dumping our recyclables when Virginia walked by and asked me how I liked my Hawaiian vacation. She’s been there too, and also loved it. I thanked her for putting our trash out while we were gone. She said Bob thought to do so when he was out walking.

Then she said something like waiting for what was the most family she ever had visit, and I thought to myself, great, just great. Just what I need when my schedule’s where it’s at. But even though there were 5 or 6 vehicles there, I never heard a damn thing. I’d never have known they were there had I not looked out the window and seen all the cars. Tom said there were 3 cars there yesterday too, one with Washington plates, the others with in-state plates. I think she said something about a son in from Denver.

Had someone had all that company in the mainstream there would’ve been car stereos, horns honking, kids running up and down the driveway screaming, barking dogs, lots of shouts and laughter from the adults, music coming from the house, and God knows what else. I did, however, swear the vibration of a car door slamming shut woke me up for a few minutes at 8:30, but it could’ve been anything. It could’ve been someone going too fast over the speed bump in back or just a dream. I know I had a dream about being in a house that was laid out similar to the one we had in Phoenix. Tom was on the couch and I looked out the living room when I heard voices and saw a kid’s bike sitting in front of a car parked in their driveway.

I also had a dream my cousin Phillip owed Tom $300 for work he did for him and I was pissed cuz he wouldn’t pay up.

Later…

Andy and I were talking about how he’s just as obsessed with celebrities as I am with trying to get this damn weight off (which I now have a feeling is going to reset itself back to where it was no matter what I do or how properly I take the medication), and it’s true, we are kind of obsessed with these issues. I think everyone has something they’re hung up on.

“At least I’m talking about someone else,” he tells me, “and it’s not all me, me, me.”

Ah, but if I appear selfish it’s for a good reason, I assure you, and the answer’s very simple. I simply don’t feel it’s my place to publicly air out the lives of others unless they specifically tell me it’s ok to do so. Different people are more private than others and I try to use my best judgment as to what I say about each particular person I know. Celebrities are one thing because they’re public figures, and I told him this, but my friends and family are different.

If I don’t like you then I’m less likely to respect your privacy. That doesn’t mean I’ll divulge sensitive info or deliberately bash you with the intent of offending or embarrassing you, it just means I’m less likely to hold back on expressing my feelings and opinions where you’re concerned.

Meanwhile, if someone tells me a secret I feel obligated to keep that secret both on and offline. So in case any of you are wondering why I don’t always discuss others, now you know.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2014 Down 4.2 pounds and it sure is nice to once again have a body that can burn calories! Was out running at 3am for a half hour and took a slightly different route. I ran down the front gate the way I usually do by sticking to the park’s perimeters, then before I actually reached the gate, I swung left and to the office. From there I took the route I use going to and from the pool back to the house. It’s a good route for in the middle of the night, but not in the daytime when there’s more traffic. Sticking to the outskirts means I only have two streets to cross and no driveways to pass in which people could be backing up into me. It must’ve rained while I slept because the roads were all wet. It made it easier to see, though, cuz the streetlights made them shiny.

My quad muscles weren’t quite healed so now I went and made them worse again by not taking a second day off from running, but oh well. I’m addicted to running and now that I can get the results one should get from dieting and exercise I’m even more motivated. So far I haven’t had to diet that hard. I don’t have to go to 1000 calories or lower like I used to. I can have 1200-1500, so it’s nice not to feel so damn hungry all the time. There was one day it got a little hard and I had to eat extra, but I still lost!

I see what the doctor meant by saying the pills won’t make me lose weight. They just make it possible to do so. If I sat on my ass and stuffed myself I wouldn’t lose anything.

Just like learning languages is like a fun game to me to see how many words I can learn, it will be a fun game of sorts to see how many pounds I can lose, though I know that the more I lose, the harder it will get.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2014 Had an interesting run yesterday morning. It’s amazing how many people are up so early, even before the sun comes up. First I damn near tripped on a sprinkler and killed myself, then the turkeys went off from down in the ditch and scared the shit out of me that’s how loud they are. Then I passed by a lady walking her dog with a muzzle on. It was trying so hard to bark and what sound did come out sounded so fucking funny I had to run even faster to keep from bursting out laughing and freaking the dog out even more, LOL.

First time hitting the open road since before the vacation and now my quad muscles are killing me. I thought that after all the activity in Hawaii and then using the treadmill I’d still be in shape for the road. Wrong! Oh well, today I’ll just work my arms and abs and tomorrow I should be fine for hitting the road again.

Down another two-tenths of a pound, but still can’t say the thyroid pills are helping just yet. Weight loss is so gradual that you really need to lose more than a few pounds to know much of anything. I should definitely know more in another week.

Hope Andy has a great birthday today! I told Tom what he said he had for breakfast yesterday and we were laughing. Not in a bad way of course, but eggs, 4 pieces of toast, 2 bananas and 2 glasses of juice?! That’s a LOTTA food! That’s gotta be about 800-1000 calories, so a pretty big breakfast you could say. I couldn’t eat that much if I were starving and Tom said he’s lucky if he can eat 1 banana in a day cuz they make him so gassy. I could do the eggs, 1 or 2 pieces of toast, 1 banana and 1 juice, but that’s all in one sitting. Huge amount of food or not, I’m sure it was delicious and that’s all that matters, no matter how funny it may seem to me. :)

Sarah sent a brief thanks-for-the-gifts message. No “I really like them” or “they’re a nice color” or “they’ll go well with my new dress,” and nothing at all from Becky. Hope they’re not disappointed in them, but if they are they’re not going to say so. I don’t see why Tammy wouldn’t like the puppy I sent her, but does Becky not like her shell necklace or is she just ungrateful? Guess I’ll never know.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day, she posted that “love stinks.” LOL, yeah, if I looked like her I’d probably say the same thing, poor kid.

Later…

Looked at Doctor C’s pics again and again I really liked what I saw. If someone showed me pics of her doing handstands on beaches in bikinis and parading around in sexy costumes at parties, then told me she’d be my doctor, I don’t know if I’d be more alarmed or intrigued, haha.

She’s a hottie for a light-eyed blondie. Almost in a model-ish sort of way. She’s the type that stays thin and lovely all through life. She rarely wears nail polish or even makeup, but she’s so beautiful naturally that she doesn’t need it.

Not so sure anymore that she’s dating that black guy. She seems to be a very happy, upbeat, outgoing social butterfly with friends from every different race and nationality on earth. She’s shown appearing to be just as chummy with other men and women, especially this small Asian chick. There was even a pic of them gazing lovingly at each other with the caption “girl love,” so I don’t know what to think. She’s definitely childless and isn’t married, though.

Anyway, she may have a drab mop on her head and dull eyes, but oh, that body, that height and that gorgeous smile! Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like not to be me. What if I was that tall, that beautiful, that normal?

The account doesn’t appear to have been updated since last August, so who knows if she got my message, or if Facebook even let it get to her in the first place.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2014 Finally saw the movie Eden, about the true story of a young girl who was kidnapped and forced into prostitution. But it made no sense. The girls had plenty of opportunities to escape and cry for help but never took advantage of it. Neither did they consider the fact that there were about 30 of them but just a few captors. Why didn’t they all jump and attack them and then get the hell out of there?

Went into my first my-diary account to check something and was amazed to see it’s been shared to Google 23 times, shared once on Facebook, and tweeted twice.

Dropped another two-tenths of a pound but that’s only because I slept forever. Still don’t know how much the thyroid pills are affecting me just yet, but whether or not I lose anymore over the next week will tell me.

I sure have been dreaming a lot about the ocean since returning from Maui. I think I even swam in a lake at some point, too. Never really cared for lakes. My German hottie, who wished me, Tom and the ratties a happy Valentine’s Day with a cute rat pic, was in one of the dreams. She sounded English, LOL.

This isn’t a complaint but just an observation instead. I’ve noticed that a few of my friends and I seem to be total duplicates while others seem to be exact opposites when it comes to our likes, dislikes, habits and our ways of thinking and doing things. I’m like wow, can two people really be that similar or dissimilar?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2014 In regards to my entry about being unsure as to what to believe in as far as unearthly sources go, someone said, “That’s a reasonable outlook. A person’s beliefs are such a personal thing and definitely something to give some deep thought. The world would be a better place with karma doing its job. But I just can’t believe in it for so many reasons. Interesting entry!”

Yeah, just seeing how good my abusive mother had it up until her final year of life alone is enough to make me doubt karma.

Good people often have it rough. Bad people often have it sweet and fine. Alison may not be perfect, and she’s the first to admit this, but I know her well enough to say with certainty that she’s a decent person overall. Sure enough, though, she’s still medically cursed. When she had that abscessed tooth she bit a hole in her tongue and her gut feeling says she’ll have to have surgery on it. :(

I vaguely remember a dream where Michelle performed a “preliminary” ultrasound of my thyroid and might’ve urged me to check into it. Hopefully, that’s not a bad sign cuz there is a possibility of it having goiters, which could turn cancerous. If that’s the case then they need to remove the damn thing.

Now down 3.2 pounds but since I could always lose a few pounds I’m still not 100% sure the pills are helping. I need another week or two to know for sure. If things are still the same then my weight will go into reset mode within the next week. Meanwhile, I’m still running, crunching and lifting.

Andy said I might want to delete my vacation pics someday. No way! That was the BEST vacation I ever had and I love those pics. He said his mother said that unless he’s in it, people don’t want to see scenery pics, yet everyone else who’s seen the album loved the green grass and mountains, the coconut palms, the resort, the beaches, and the sea, both under and on the water. Besides, I’m still huge and ugly. Why would anyone want to see pics of me?

Sam’s Clubs gives out free gifts for you taking the time to watch the presentations they do, and they gave Tom a cleaning shammy the last time around. It’s a super-soft cloth and it did an excellent job of eliminating streaks from mirrors with no water or chemicals whatsoever.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2014 More signs that the thyroid pills are kicking in. Before, a cup of coffee would put half a pound on me, and of course a full-blown meal would jack me up 2-3 pounds within a half-hour of eating it. But earlier I had a cup of coffee and a protein bar and was barely up half a pound. So unless something up there is doing a damn good job of teasing me or I had more water retention than I realized, this could very well be it! If the control is truly in my hands now, then next comes deciding how much I want to lose. Maybe I’ll just lose a little, maybe a moderate amount, or maybe I’ll skin myself down to nothing. I doubt I could get under 120, so I’m going to take the I’ll-lose-what-I-can attitude and leave the rest to fate. Meanwhile, I’m working out daily. Enough to help make a difference but not too much at this point because I don’t want to make myself hungrier.

I just hope the nightmare I had doesn’t mean anything. If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably nothing to worry about. But still, I have 4 appointments between the 25th - 3rd and I wonder what shit may come up at that time. More cavities at the dentist? More pain than anticipated when getting my ingrown toenail taken care of? I can’t imagine what the ear doctor might say, and of course I don’t even want to think of what may come up with the eye exam. We haven’t yet scheduled my ultrasound or sleep appointments.

Later…

Saw a movie based on a true story about a young girl who worked at a hospital. She was murdered and then she ended up possessing her old coworker to get her to bring the guy to justice. Once she got what she wanted, she never possessed or contacted the woman again.

If half of this story is true then that goes to show there is no God dishing out karma to those who wrong us and get away with it at least where the law’s concerned, and if there is one, it sure likes to sit back and let the devil take over at times without a care in the world. Really, why did SHE have to be the one to do the right thing from the other side?

I still don’t know what to believe for sure as far as ghosts, the afterlife, God or the devil go. No one’s ever jumped down from the sky, shook my hand and introduced themselves as God. I’ve never been dead and so I can’t say if there’s an afterlife, unless I was reincarnated and don’t remember my last life. I’ve never seen a ghost with my own eyes, though I have had some strange experiences like with the Maricopa land being haunted and what I think might’ve been my foster mom. Maybe I wouldn’t even know what to think where dream premonitions are concerned if I hadn’t experienced them firsthand. I know that just because I haven’t seen or experienced something myself doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t exist, but sometimes it’s hard to believe what I can’t see. When all you hear are stories that could be wishful thinking or hallucinations for all you know, you just don’t know what to believe for sure.

Somebody’s rat bastards have been “marking” her Robo vac with piss. Yeah, these pissaholics are quite territorial, alright. And do they go run and hide when someone comes to the door? Hell no! Instead, they have to charge the door with me as if it’s some kind of race or contest to see who can get to it first. rolls eyes But I do love my pissing, curious critters, LOL.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2014 Really hope last night’s nightmare doesn’t mean more medical trouble or other trouble is ahead for me. It didn’t leave me with an ominous feeling, but anyone like me is always concerned after these types of dreams.

There were two dreams. First I remember diving into a big wave in the ocean (Maui again?), and then the trip seemed to get rather rough. Something about not getting transportation or something like that and there might’ve been an issue of money. Tom and I were talking to a young guy and Tom was saying that “the woman” who I’m guessing coordinated the trip, said he shouldn’t have to be the one to call and bitch about it and that he should let her take care of that.

Then the young guy comes out and says, “You two should leave each other.”

“Why?” I said. “In the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve been through a lot worse than this.”

He said, “No, I mean you two should split up and divide the tasks that need to be done today.”

We laughed and agreed that might be a good idea.

The second dream got a little scary. They (don’t ask who “they” were) were going to throw me in a pit of fire in a hole in the ground that was perhaps 12 feet deep. There were about 10 others in the area, including Tom. Most were standing but I was sitting down. Not sure if it was a “legal” execution or not or what it was I supposedly did to be tossed into a fiery hell, but as the enormity of it began to sink in, I said to Tom, “What a helluva way to go. I was really hoping to die in my sleep of old age. This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?”

He wore a dubious expression.

I thought of telling him that I’ve noticed that the guy doing the “executions” leaves as soon as he sends the person down into the fire and so maybe he could try to pull me back up, but figured the others would stop him from doing so. But before I could speak Tom might’ve said something about trying to let myself burn up as fast as I can.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2014 Quick update while the rats are out playing. My ear is still better and I’m down nearly 3 pounds, but unfortunately, it’s probably due to water loss now that my period is over, and not the thyroid pills kicking in and working along with diet and exercise. I’m not dieting much yet. Just eating healthy and in reasonable portions. It feels good to be running, lifting and crunching again. I miss road running, but schedules and weather got in the way of that for a while. I should be back out there soon.

This week I’m cleaning the house a section at a time and doing a super thorough job since I’ve been neglecting it since before the vacation.

Created an account on Penzu that automatically keeps all journal entries private unless you choose to share any particular entries, which can be done anonymously or not. I’m basically using it as another backup. Sites change, accounts get hacked, sites shut down (such as in the case of Open Diary and My Dear Diary), so multiple backups are always a good thing.

I update Histofme monthly.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2014 My nieces’ updates are the usual – revenge, fights against cancer, sisterly love, and of course they love their abusive daddy oh so much.

Eileen didn’t get my postcard cuz she, her husband, and her 90-year-old mother moved to a cheaper place, and Irene asked if I’d been in touch with Nane. Has Nane been ignoring her or something?

I’m shocked to say this but I think I finally broke free of the trolls. I had my first Ask account open for a few days as a test, yet nothing came in at all, let alone that smelled of them. Molly’s online time may be very limited, though. As for Kim, if she’s as crazy as I came to think she was, then she may still think I’m conspiring against her on a regular basis, but if not, then she’s probably no longer reading my journal.

I seem to have a local visitor in Sacramento and Roseville. I think there may be more than one, and while I’d like to think it’s connected to my dentist or Dr. C, it’s probably just random. Could be coming from the park, but I doubt it. Then again, it could also be a BOT, which may be why TIP isn’t picking it up. Google doesn’t give IP#s, so I can’t run it to see if it’s a suspected proxy or whatever.

Again I wish Andy had less free time online. Ask is fun, but not a dozen times a day. No one can make me respond to him the instant he checks in, though. I can wait a few hours between check-ins. He may wonder why I’m not there as much and act like I’m hardly ever there at all, but tough. Seriously, though, he lives online and only sleeps 4 hours a night.

The rain came down with a vengeance all through last night but is now tapering off.

Andy continues to amaze and surprise me. Yeah, just when we think we know all there is to know about someone, LOL. He partook in a couple of sleep studies, which Tom says is common for those with his type of problem.

I also didn’t realize he had a soul mate, let alone a female one. I always considered soul mates to be those we married or at least lived with for the rest of our lives, but no matter how many times you unmarried Tom and I, and no matter how much distance you put between us, we’re still soul mates. Funny, though, for a guy who’s mostly attracted to guys to have a female soul mate while I, predominately attracted to women, have a male soul mate.

I think I also have a bit of a crush on my newest doctor (yeah, keep this health shit up and I’m gonna have a real collection of doctors that’ll outnumber my damn doll collection). Anyway, it’s harmless, hee hee. She doesn’t take my breath away or anything like that as I don’t usually go for light eyes and hair, but she’s tall and has a beautiful smile and body.

I was snooping around in her Facebook photos. Then again is it really snooping when the things are public? I just get curious about who I’m dealing with, and back in the 80s and 90s when I was last seeing doctors we couldn’t look them up like we can now.

The humidifier is still helping my ear. So we paid the quack doctor up in Oregon over $100 to be worthless while all these years later I go to Hawaii and accidentally discover what was making it ache so much.

Well geez, Doc, I guess I should’ve gone to medical school. Or maybe not. Scheduleless or not, I still prefer writing, languages and singing to blood, puke, piss, shit and other ungodly gore.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2014 God, I can’t get that place off my mind! Had you asked me where I wanted to live someday I could’ve named a number of places, but not actual towns or cities. I had my general ideas. Now I could say “Ka’anapali, Hawaii” with certainty.

Had to laugh at how disappointed I was to return to California, the very state I dreamed of living in so many times, especially as a kid. It sure was nice, though, to return to a home of our own and not someone else’s dumpy old trailer.

I didn’t just love the weather but the appearance of the place as well. If you love colorful flowers and palm trees, that’s the place to be, though I’m sure Florida has enough of that as well. Florida would be a little hotter in the summer, which would make hanging outdoors a bit more uncomfortable, but would also keep the pools and ocean from being as chilly as a few cloudy days can make them.

Maui is the perfect place, minus the costs. It was like one big party that never ended, though I understand that those that live there are working if they’re not retired, and not running off to submarine rides every day. Unless they work on one.

For now, we should still be here for years even if it’s not for 14 years. So we may as well make it as comfortable as we can. We’ll probably get the new dishwasher in the next week or two. We probably won’t get the carpet for another month or two when we won’t be wasting heat with open doors. Then there’s painting, new drapes, new flooring, etc. I just want to personalize it, worn-out carpet and shit or not, and make it more our place than the last people’s place.

In case I forgot to say, the island we sailed to might’ve been the Oahu island and it was in the town of Lanai.

Later…

Hawaii must miss me as much as I miss it cuz we’ve had more rain here in the last 3 days than we’ve had in the last 3 years, and it’s coming from Hawaii. I love it! It just has to come down really hard here for me to hear it on the patio and carport roofs which are made of the same metal the trailer’s roof was made of. In a real house, you don’t hear what you can hear in a trailer.

Really wish I was on days now so I could enjoy knowing the rain would keep the landscapers away. It’s quiet at night anyway no matter what the weather is.

So my nutty husband and I call the Robo vac Rosie and now I’m calling the new humidifier Maui. Since bringing Maui’s humidity inside our NorCali home my ear has been fine. To think I suffered on and off for a decade just to go to Hawaii and discover the cure for it is amazing! But I’m not 100% sure this is the answer to easing its aches and pains just yet. It’s too soon. I’ve gone a week or two without discomfort many times. If it is I’ll be thrilled, but I also know God will be sure to replace me with a whole new long-term problem that will make my life just as annoying.

Just got off the treadmill not too long ago. The thing has 6 programmed workouts. I’m in shape enough for one of the intensity workouts, but two of them I won’t even try, LOL. Not yet anyway.

Because it could be another month before my hormone levels are adjusted, I’m not “dieting” yet but I am slowly preparing myself by eating a little less and a little smarter than I have been these last couple of weeks. Why start really dieting now before the meds are tweaked since it wouldn’t do me any good? I will always do my best, however, to exercise regularly and keep in shape, whether I do or don’t end up dropping weight.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2014 Sheriff Joe, you really love to stir up controversy, don’t you? Yeah, leave it to a sheriff who’s both crazy and corrupt to punish inmates in Arizona who destroyed flags with nothing but bread and water for a week. First of all, what the hell were flags of all things doing within their reach? Secondly, while I can understand the symbolic importance of the American flag to some people, it is just a piece of material after all. Thirdly, should one man really be allowed to play God like that and just make and break laws at will and dish punishments at will as well? Lastly, what about health issues and possible risks from this lovely diet over this material thing?

Ok, so they’re criminals. Some were framed, some are in on trumped-up charges, but MOST are true criminals at heart who deserve to be miserable. But like it or not they’re still human. Should we treat them like animals? Hmm… that’s a tough one. I mean, if someone’s an overall decent person in for petty theft or drug abuse, it’s hard to really want to see them suffer. Murderers, rapists, beaters and child molesters, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Not sure what’s going on with the house across the street. The For Sale sign has been down and since we’ve been back there’s been a red SUV over there like somebody’s living there. But wasn’t that the same vehicle that used to be there before the house went on the market?

This may sound funny, but I wonder if I should switch to a smaller monitor due to how shitty my eyes are. In Hawaii, I used our 17” laptop and with that I could still wear my bifocals, allowing me to see both near and far. With my single vision lenses I can see my 21” screen fine, but when I turn to look across the room it’s all blurry.

Got Tom into watching Twin Peaks on Amazon after telling him for years how wonderful it was. It was one of my favorite series, though much too short with just two seasons. I pretty much quit watching TV after that because it became nothing but the same old shit over and over again. Maybe I’ll catch a movie tonight or play with this really cool graphics editor we downloaded when we got back, now that I’m caught up in writing, posting trip photos, and backing up to Amazon Cloud.

Later…

Got curious and looked up my doctor. Looks like she is or has dated a black guy. Figured she was straight. She may be blond, but she’s tall, slim and has a great smile and body. I messaged her and complimented her pics, but I’m sure she won’t get it. Really beginning to think it’s me who can’t send non-friends messages and not just a big old glitch. It’ll supposedly go to her “other” folder, but I still don’t think she’ll get it. If my friends sometimes don’t get my messages, why would those who aren’t friends get theirs?

Our new humidifier arrived today. Hopefully, we can bring a taste of Maui indoors and HOPEFULLY help these constant ear problems I’ve been having for the last decade or so. We’ve had a surprising amount of rain, though. I’m shocked that we’re going to get 4-5 days of it. It’s exciting, too! Love hearing my wind chimes, something you won’t hear much of in these parts. The drought has wreaked havoc on the lands, farms and my skin and ear. I probably wouldn’t need lotion in Hawaii, Florida or other tropical climates. My sunburn is peeling too, though that would’ve happened anywhere.

Ever just know something? I mean where you really have a strong sense of knowing something with certainty in your gut? I’m sure you have. Again, I’m not as unique as some may think, I’m just a little more advanced when it comes to knowing the unknown. And while I get most of my info in dreams, every now and then I’m wide awake. Well, my vibes say we’re not going to be here for 14 years. The plan is for Tom to work till he’s 70. We’d be ok if he retired at 66, but more than ok at 70. We’d get close to what he makes now, so we wouldn’t be rich, but we’d be comfortable.

“We’re not going to be here in this house till you’re 70,” I told him the other day. “I just know it. With every ounce of my gut and heart, I know it.”

It’s similar to when the well was fixed. Right as they were finishing up a gloomy feeling came over me and Tom noticed and asked what was wrong. I shook my head dubiously and said, “Same thing’s gonna happen in two years.”

“Oh, no, sweetie,” he said with a confident and reassuring smile. “This is galvanized piping we’ve got now. Not that cheap PVC.”

But it did happen less than a week to the date.

Anyway, it hit me that we wouldn’t be here that long and I told him that could only mean something very good or very bad - we either win big bucks (since we don’t want to give up his job before he retires to have to scramble to find a job there in time and take those risks all over again that damn near killed us) or something happens to cause us to lose the house if it doesn’t kill us first, whatever it is.

Then it hit me. Maybe Tammy and Mark are our ticket out sooner. Maybe after they get settled there in 5 years or so and if they’re right in thinking the business will be successful and all that and could use one more pair of helping hands… well, you just never know. Tom can fix anything. ANYTHING. But he’ll be the first to admit that this type of work isn’t what he’s used to, so he would probably find something computer-related. He’s used to warehouses and assembly lines and is usually some type of lead or manager.

Still, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Now if we were surprised with a shitload of money… sorry, but we’re going back to Ka’anapali, LOL.

I’d kill for a home job that didn’t require a schedule, even if it were slave wages. I don’t mean pennies, but I’d settle for minimum wage, even a little less. That’s just a dream, though.

We had to bump my appointments up to the end of the month. Damn, I am so, so sick of this thing dictating my life, but I don’t know why the doc wants me to eventually go to the sleep clinic once everything else is stabilized. What can they tell me that I don’t already know? It’s like with my ear; there’s only so much you can do about it. That ear is always going to be like it is and it’s never going to look or hear normally no matter what you do to it. I’ll gladly follow her advice, but since we can’t make a short person tall or a tall person short, what’s the point? Guess I’ll find that out later on.

Millions of people look forward to waking up each morning (and sometimes afternoons or nights) to go to a job, to make money, and while their jobs may not always be loads of fun, they still have them and the paychecks they come with. Money’s not the point right now. Tom makes more than enough for both of us; the point is that sometimes I just wish I could be normal like everybody else. I’m not not working because I won the lottery. I’m not not working because I’m 66. I’m 48 and I don’t qualify for disability even though I have more health issues than even I realized I had. Some things were as obvious as a period, but other things really took me by surprise, even if most can be dealt with.

I know, I know, maybe if I’d worked some disgruntled employee may’ve come to work a little trigger-happy one day, right? So maybe our God who just “loves” me oh so much was just saving my ass, right? Well, instead of just seeing that I worked where no one was trigger-happy, why not just sic this shit on me instead and keep me out of work altogether. Brilliant solution!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2014 I have seriously mixed emotions over returning home. As Andy said, there’s no place like home. But like I said, there’s also no place like Maui and I already miss it and want to go back. But it doesn’t have to be Maui. Florida and other places are a lot like it, climate-wise. When I think we may be here for 14 more years, it doesn’t sit well with me, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world either. It’s just that I strongly vibe we won’t be here that long. This could only mean something very bad or very good has to happen along the way if I’m right. We either lose the house, die, or win a shitload of money.

I hate being cold and I hate the extreme dryness, though we are on for rain this week and we did purchase a humidifier. I’m also back with the landscaping and heavy traffic. That’s another thing I liked about Maui – no big scary freeways. I hate the freeway here cuz not only do half the people creep (Cali must have killer speeding tickets) but you just never know who’s gonna cut in front of you or something stupid like that.

Still have more to cover on the trip, but first, today’s the first day since returning home that I woke up feeling well-rested. It took a million hours of sleep to do it, but I did it, nonetheless. Yesterday I got to wake up to landscaping and today it was hammering. Heard landscaping for a few minutes later on, too.

Had some weird dreams. In one dream Andy and I were young and single again and I was still on disability. We went down to Connecticut and Andy found someplace he wanted to move into, though I don’t know what it was. He insisted I had to be his roommate but when I explained to him that I didn’t get enough money to pay my share, he dumped me and left me stranded.

I was walking along wherever when a pleasant-looking woman in her early 30s or so picked me up. I was grateful as hell and told her I was from Massachusetts. She said she was too, and was headed up there. I asked where in MA she lived and first she said Leeds, then she said Northampton.

Later…

Time to wrap up our wonderful trip for once and for all. Before we left, Tom was afraid we missed the plane, LOL. He checked our flight’s status to be sure it was on time, but it was listed as late. He was like, how can it be late if it hasn’t left yet, but they were predicting it’d be late in taking off. It wasn’t, though.

After the submarine ride, we stopped in their store to give them the postcard to mail, and I also got a few more souvenirs from them as well. I will eventually take pics of the things we got there.

So at the submarine place, I got a clear magnet with a floating boat, and this thing I don’t even know what to call. It works like an hourglass only it’s not sand. It’s like oil and water, however, the pink and orange “beads” of liquid that fall through the clear liquid can’t be oil cuz oil floats. I don’t know what it is. Some kind of gel? Anyway, it takes a couple of minutes for it to trickle down and it’s pretty cool looking.

I also got an ankle bracelet I just love. It’s totally me and very comfortable. It has multicolored beats and a little gold heart dangling from it that has a little bell or something like that inside it. You can kind of hear me tinkering when I walk. Size small fit perfectly. My wrists and ankles are the only body parts that never got fat.

We went to a burger place and OMG! The screaming kids drove me nuts. They are just TOTALLY out of control these days. We’d never have been allowed to run around loose like that in stores and restaurants screaming like animals. I was like, somebody slap these things silent! That was pretty much the only time they got annoying. Little annoying at the pavilion the day we went sailing too, but at least the flights were peaceful. On the ground, you can move away from the damn things, but in the air? I feel bad for Andy cuz he’s annoyed by their racket too, and the woman next to him is expecting. It may be years before it’s running around and making it seem like an earthquake hit his building, but I would think some of the screaming would go through the walls. Our hotel was peaceful overall, though it did have its annoying moments. It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been because most of the people were older, but the walls were pretty thin. I never heard TVs or anything like that but I heard plenty of bumps and bangs. I do NOT miss attached living. It’s too bad, too. An apartment in Maui is probably all we could ever afford.

At first glance, I thought they had the British flag flying with the American flag till I realized it was the Hawaiian flag. Not what you’d expect. I thought they’d have something with the ocean or flowers.

Sunday afternoon, shortly after eating our burgers and fries, we went for one last swim, but it was kind of cold so we didn’t stay long.

That evening we walked to the Whaler’s Village again. We were halfway there when the resort shuttle picked us up and brought us the rest of the way. Tom got pizza at the pizza place and I got this awesome dinner of clams and mushrooms in a creamy sauce served over penne pasta. We got some snacks and a few more things for me – hot pink athletic shorts and a couple of hula girls. Those figurines that swivel at the waist.

Later…

The Sacramento airport sure was a pain in the ass compared to the Kahului airport. In the Sac, we had to take off our shoes and shuttle to the gate. In Kahului, you just check in and walk a little way down to the gates. You still have to put your carry-ons in a tray to be x-rayed and walk through one yourself, but that’s it.

As soon as we stepped off the plane I was hit with a blast of cold air seeping between the space where the plane meets the ramp you walk down and into the terminal. We’ve only been home two days and already my skin is dry and my ear is on the verge of annoying me based on the “popping” sounds my artificial canal is making. Yeah, it took me all these years to FINALLY figure out why it aches so much and now I know. I’m at least 95% sure anyway that it has to do with living so many years in such dry climates. We oil it to keep the skin soft, which has trouble shedding on its own, but Hawaii had enough moisture in the air to keep it soft. I probably wouldn’t even need lotion there.

Another theory Tom has is that the thyroid medication could be helping my ear. Our bodies are constantly replacing dead cells. When your thyroid craps out on you this process, metabolism, and so much more slows down to a crawl. The slowing down of shedding and replacing dead skin and cells may’ve been a factor, but I’m going with the humidity factor. So much so that we bought a humidifier on Amazon for $100 that says it can do up to a 2300-square-foot place. So we’ll be creating a tropical climate indoors. The stickiness can get uncomfortable, especially when you’re doing something physical, but it’s better than the pain and discomfort the dryness causes.

I only gained a pound or two if even that since I’m kind of watery right now. I’m ready to make one final shot at blasting 40 once they adjust my medication. I just don’t know if I want to do Nutrisystem or Jodisystem.

Tom noticed that someone emptied our trash and our green waste while we were gone. Then when he was checking the mail, Virginia jumped out at him and said they took care of it for us. How incredibly nice of them! It took us over 20 years to get decent neighbors, but we definitely do have them… finally! I’m glad they took note of our absence, cuz while I did tell Bob we were going to Hawaii at the end of January, I didn’t give the dates. That was so, so nice of them to look out for us. I’m sure they’d have called the cops had they noticed anything suspicious going on too, though I didn’t expect there to be because of the location. The dream people would’ve told me if any trouble was amiss anyway by making sure I got hit with the wrong kinds of nightmares. Even so, the drive from the park gate to the house was the equivalent of that icy cold walk up N. 11th Street in Oregon when we stepped off the Amtrak back in ’07, wondering and hoping everything was okay.

It wasn’t ok for the people on the other side of our neighbors. They too, went to Hawaii, only they went cruising. Then they got to come back to a broken heater, poor things. Someone’s plumbing or electricity must’ve gone out in one of the houses behind us cuz the utility truck was there earlier. That’s the hammering I heard.

The lamp in the living room was on when we got home cuz we timed it to come on at night. I called to the rats as soon as we came in and out popped Sugar from his burrow. It was so cute. Then Romeo hopped out a second later. I missed my furballs!

The only pisser is that the mail hasn’t been delivered yet like it should’ve been. Tom called the post office just to be ignored for 20 minutes, so he finally hung up and sent an email. So what have we got to do now, fight for our mail?

My schedule is also totally messed up. We’re going to have to reschedule a few of my 10 million appointments.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2014 Back home now and ready to get caught up on the trip… finally! I have just a few more activities to cover. I’ve been surprisingly tired. We’ve been taking this day just to basically recover, and my having PMS doesn’t help cuz that always makes me more tired. And hungrier. I had 5 bagel bites and was still hungry. Scarfed down a bowl of ice cream. Still hungry. Ate a hot dog since Tom got the only kind I like, which he rarely gets cuz they’re kind of greasy and expensive. Still a little hungry, but fine. I’ll just live with it.

On Sunday we stopped at Atlantis Submarines and found they had plenty of room for us to book a trip. They can fit up to 48 people per trip and there are no bathrooms in the submarine so it’s best to go on an empty bladder. Being Superbowl Sunday, they had plenty of open seats.

I thought the dive site was at the docks where Trilogy, the catamaran boats, as well as others, take off from. However, we had to take a little shuttle boat out to the actual dive site. It was about a 10-minute ride and they went faster than the catamaran did, at what I’m guessing was 40 MPH, whatever that comes out to in knots.

They gave us free postcards which they paid the postage for and so I decided to send one to Andy.

Since they did a dive before us we got to see the submarine emerge from the water. It was way cool! I got pics of it coming up as well as going back down with the next batch of passengers after our ride. Only the very top of it emerges above the water. The viewports remain underwater.

The inside of the sub is about as long as a bus but narrower. There are no isles you can walk up and down and people sit wedged in close and pretty much back-to-back. One row faces the viewports on the starboard side, and one faces the port side. There are two ways down into the sub and each one goes a different direction. If you go down from the left you sit on the port side and if you go down on the right you sit on the starboard side like we did.

So down we went to the ocean floor! Our deepest point was at 130 feet and the guy leading the tour and explaining the types of fish and the various things we were seeing, said to kiss our lovers as it would literally be the “deepest” kiss ever, haha.

Anyway, the guy explained how different colors change at different depths. The first one you lose is red. That becomes purple at 30 feet. Bright colors appear to glow, he said, and I looked at my bright, neon nails and sure enough, they did appear to glow.

I was surprised natural sunlight reached down to where we were going. He said you have to go to 600 feet before you lose all sunlight. He also said that coral only grows a quarter of an inch a year.

The viewports are magnified by 25% and so things appeared bigger and closer than they actually were.

Throughout the ride, we saw an old ancient anchor and a couple of cement blocks. The most fascinating part of the voyage, even more so than the fish, was the sunken ship! It was one they actually sunk themselves. It was an old leaky ship they bought for just a buck. But it costs a few grand in permits and all that shit. They sunk it for fish to play in back in ’05. It now has coral building upon it, of course, and there’s a hanging chain, which gives them a sense of what the current is like, even though most of the motion is at the surface.

So up we went and I watched the ocean floor fall away. Then he reached up, turned a small wheel and opened the hatch. Up the ladder we climbed where we then took pics of it submerging before being shuttled back to the harbor.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2014 We’re back in the air again and headed home to my ratties. Other than them, my bed and stuff like that, that’s all I’ve missed. Oh, and having two bathrooms. It was nice to know that the one bathroom thing was just a temporary deal for us and not the norm it used to be.

We’re about a half-hour into the flight and this one will only be 4.5 hours. Guess it has to do with the direction of the wind.

They served champagne before we even took off, then they gave us those wet hot washcloths, though I’m not sure why. Maybe they felt we’d want to wash up before dinner?

More kids are on this flight, but they’re not a problem from up here in first class.

The plane we’re on landed while we were waiting at the gate, and will be continuing on to Seattle after stopping in Sacramento.

We both agree that our Hawaiian vacation was way better than our Caribbean vacation. On a cruise ship, you’re pretty limited as to where you can go and what you can do, no matter how large the ship may be. I even got that tan I didn’t think I could get, after burning and getting those itchy bumps I’d get when trying to tan in Arizona. This trip was also so much better because we didn’t have all the traveling issues we had the last time around, having to take trains and taxis to airports and hotels and deal with layovers, etc.

For appetizers, they’re serving Thai green papaya salad, grilled calamari, and a warm Hawaiian sweet roll. The entrée I chose is the beef filet with Maui onion marmalade, roasted fingerling potatoes, and sautéed asparagus. Dessert is goat cheese cheesecake. I have had more alcoholic drinks in the last week than in a decade, but that’s only cuz it’s free.

Here they come now with their little bags of mixed nuts and dried fruit. My ratties will love them.

Later…

Just had lunch and it was pretty boring. The sweet roll was delicious, but the salad was lame and the calamari was weird. Tom wasn’t impressed with it at all. So we basically ate the rolls and called it done. The salad had strips of tomatoes, onions, carrots and half-moons of cucumbers.

I’m trying to go in order of events, and while writing passes the flying time, I’d also rather do it on a real computer with a real connection. Our connection was as slow and unreliable as Auburn was. To pay $17 a day, though, for a faster connection would’ve been ridiculous. All we needed it for was to check the accounts and so I could let people on Facebook know we made it over ok and were having fun. Naturally, most of my wonderful family had nothing to say about it. I told Nane that her mother ought to get over to Hawaii now and not wait till May when the whales head up to Alaska.

So glad I brought my good headphones this time around. Screaming kids or not, it’s nice to listen to music with good headphones where you can hear the music better over the roar of the engines.

A week turned out to be the perfect amount of time for our vacation. At first I was hoping to go for 4 days but that wouldn’t have been enough time to do everything we wanted to do. Anything longer would’ve been a bit much, not just cuz of the rats and my schedule, but because it’s so tiring after a while. We did so, so much and a lot of it was rather physical. We really exerted ourselves at times. My schedule did much better than I thought it would. I had Tom get me up at 7:00 yesterday and at first I was tired as hell. But an hour later plus a cup of coffee, I was fine.

Due to the energy, all the walking and swimming zapped from us, we both crashed earlier. I still woke up for a minute here and there throughout the night but woke up on my own for good at 7:00, an hour before I had to get up. All in all my schedule only jumped forward 4 hours while we were there.

My feet are swollen as hell cuz I’m not used to spending so much time on them. I almost wish I could be this physical every day, but what could I do? Run around the park all day or night? That’d get boring. Besides, at home, I do have other responsibilities.

I can tell I’ve gained weight despite all the activity. It’s going to take another month or so for my thyroid pill to kick in and for the doctor to adjust the levels and all that. Furthermore, I am older and I did eat like a pig. Sure was fun living on steak and seafood during the week. I had a lot of other things, too.

Later…

Dinner was absolutely delicious. Glad they finally took our trays so I can put my journal on the table. It’s easier to write that way as opposed to holding it in my hand.

I believe I left off with the events of the 1st, so I’ll start there. That was Whaler’s Village and Luau day.

We walked from our room to the Whaler’s Village, which was about a 15-minute walk. There they had lots of shops but they were pretty damn expensive cuz many of them sold designer clothes as well as handmade and one-of-a-kind items.

We gave the store our voucher for the free gift they had to offer. Unfortunately, that was for a boring skull necklace or earrings. I chose a pair of hot pink fish fin earrings, which I plan to send to Sarah. Mark and Becky will get shell necklaces and Tammy can have one of the sleeping dogs she loves so much. I’ll send her the golden retriever but will keep the cocker spaniel.

For me, I got a glitter eyeshadow palette from Sephora’s.

We got pizza and fries and then ice cream at Hagen Daz.

For anyone interested in looking these places and events up – the town we stayed in was Ka’anapali on the island of Maui. We stayed at the Sheraton Maui Resort. It was the Old Lahaina Luau we attended on our last night in Lahaina. Tickets are $109 per person, but it was included in our package. We flew in and out of the Kahului Airport in Maui.

Just took a break for dessert and why we got chocolate cake instead of cheesecake beats me, but it was still good. Fortunately for Tom, he liked both dinner and dessert. Well, except for the asparagus, of course, which I ate.

When the guy came around asking if we’d like more drinks, I asked if they’d be serving Mai Tais, but they only do that on the way to Hawaii. A moment later he surprised me with one cuz they had some left over from the previous flight.

Ok, on with the luau. It was fun to experience at least once, but not worth doing again. It was oh-so Hawaiian, though, with the hula dancers dancing with the ocean behind them and coconut palms all around, but overall the entertainment wasn’t that impressive and the food was so-so. Can’t tell you everything we had, though, cuz most of the food names were written in Hawaiian, LOL.

Earlier in the day, we wondered if it was going to be canceled due to all the rain. Yeah, for a few hours it came down hard. When I looked out to sea, the clouds had pretty much whited things out so you couldn’t tell where the sea met the sky.

After standing in line forever, we were given leis of purple orchids (oops, almost wrote “lies” of purple orchids). Then we were shown to our seats. Keeping in mind where our table was, we walked around a bit. The music wasn’t my kind at all, of course.

We saw a couple of guys crack open, juice and squeeze out some coconut for people to sample in little cups. Tom hates coconut, of course, so he wouldn’t dare touch any.

Then there were a couple of female dancers teaching some people some dance moves. In each hand, they held what looked like bushels of incense sticks and they made this rattling sound when they shook them.

Had to take another break for a minute cuz I felt a bit ill. Not like I was going to puke or anything like that, but I felt warm and like I couldn’t suck in enough air. I think the days of alcoholic beverages are over for me for a while. Sure drank a lot during the luau. Had a Mai Tai, a Honey Girl, and a Lava Flow. These drinks are mixes of fruits with either vodka or rum. Pretty sure I had some soda and water along the way too, LOL.

We were seated at a long table with 3 other couples – a black couple from Alabama and two from icy cold Minnesota. All were very nice.

By then it was getting dark and so they lit all the tiki lights. It looked so cool too, and the only unpleasant thing was this weird smell at times that reminded me of a filthy public bathroom. Don’t know what it could’ve been, though. We weren’t that close to the restrooms.

It almost felt like we’d gone to another country, not just because of the different climate, but because almost all the street signs and other things were written in Hawaiian. It’s a good thing I knew that kane was man and wahine was woman or else I might’ve used the wrong bathroom, haha. Other than that, aloha and mahalo, I don’t know shit.

We were then led to the buffet where it was hard to see because their lights were broken. The steak and seafood salad was good. There were a couple of things that looked like ground spinach in which one tasted awful and the other tasted great.

The costumes weren’t that impressive and neither was the dancing because they were moves anyone could do. Loved all the long dark hair and dark eyes, though. Gotta give them credit for remembering all the moves of their routines despite the lack of intricacy. Their timing was perfect too, when dancing in unison. So it’s harder than the exotic dancing I once did because there’s nothing to learn or remember. They just want you young and thin.

Later…

Just like the last time, all I really see out there are clouds galore.

Got 54 more minutes of flying time, so I’ll try to cover the rest of the trip while we’re still in the air. That was 3 more things, the submarine ride, another trip to the Whaler’s Village, and one last swim.

The submarine ride was spectacular and worth the $233 our tickets cost us. Look up Atlantis Submarines for more info and pics. Their site probably even has videos.

Took my second and last potty break before we landed in the dry 56-degree weather. I’m gonna miss those 80-degree temps! I was amazed at how many joggers were out and about despite the humidity. Most ran in the mornings and evenings. Guess who’s going to be able to run like that and get results just like they do? Yeah, moi! I knew something had to be wrong with all that running and dieting I was doing just to get no results whatsoever. I just knew it. I didn’t expect, however, to learn my thyroid quit working altogether.

Tom thinks he should lose 50 pounds and I should lose 25 if that’s what I decide to do. 110 would be ideal for me, but 120 is more realistic for my build, height, age and muscle density. Gotta laugh when Tom says I should soon be able to lose with exercise and eating “reasonably.” What does he think I am, young? Male? I had to restrict calories even before my thyroid went to hell, so why wouldn’t I now? Only difference is I shouldn’t have to damn near starve myself.

Looks like I’m not going to finish the trip in the air after all. I’ve written a lot as it is and need to give my hand a rest.

Here I come, ratties!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2014 Got up at 6am and Tom, who’d been up for a few hours, said there was no Wi-Fi. Yeah, they seem to turn it off every morning. Again, not worth the $500 the room costs. I’ve only been going online to check Facebook once a day, but I don’t need to do that till we return. Again, vacations are all about what we don’t usually do in our everyday lives. I called the front desk who patched me through to support. They asked me for the hotel number. But since I didn’t have it handy, I said forget it. They’ll turn it on when enough people have bitched about it, which is probably their regular morning routine. Anything to save a buck. We could plug the laptop into the wire, but it’s not worth it because then I’d have to use it by the bed. I’d rather sit at the table.

I’m basically sunburn-grounded today, so I will be spending most of the day in the room and I hope those around us won’t do the same. We will go out to one of the finer restaurants later on when we go to pick up our free gift at the Whaler’s Village. That’s something you get for buying something at the mall store where I got the crystal pineapple.

Didn’t sleep too well because of my sunburn. When laying on my back it felt like I was lying on a hot stove, but I’m not that tired. I slept on and off for 8-9 hours. Looks like my schedule won’t be too hard to deal with after all since getting up by 7am tomorrow and 8am the day we leave should be doable enough.

Had a weird dream last night where my mother and brother were still alive only my mother was in her late 50s instead of 80. My brother shot her and went to jail. On TV was a news documentary on it and all about her abuse and why Larry shot her. I thought to myself that once he got settled wherever he was going to be within the system since I didn’t expect him to be released anytime soon despite his reasons for the shooting, I would send him a letter of support.

Last night I dreamed my Italian mom was still alive and I discovered that she and Dad had created a potion or something like that to control the minds and behaviors of others. I wondered if they’d turn on me if they knew I knew about it, knowing they would be in big trouble if they were ever found out.

Just jumped up to snap a pic of a lovely rainbow that’s out there this morning. It’s partly cloudy today and light showers are expected. I’m glad this room doesn’t face east or west so we don’t get blinded by direct sunlight. I also wish, as much as I love beautiful magenta flowers, that they left the chain link fence bare so I didn’t have to stand up to get a better view of the sea.

It’s amazing how many whales there are here now and it’s not even their peak time. I guess that’s not till the end of the month. But anytime I glance outside I see random waterspouts and tails flapping.

[maya-matlin]

I just saw you contrasting Dair and Brucas and have to tell you that you made me realize why I prefer Brucas to Dair despite objectively getting that the writers were always going to follow the 'first couple to lock eyes and declare themselves soulmates end up together' rule by giving us Leyton and (ugh) Derena endgames. Like I think you and others have pointed out, Blair is kind of terrible. I mean she's amusing and interesting and the actress does a great job of giving her layers, but she's so genuinely elitist and mean, and even at her best with Dan that comes out constantly. I get that we're supposed to think it's just playful bickering but sometimes it comes across as them just genuinely not getting along and Blair "settling" for a guy from Brooklyn lol. And it doesn't help that Blair could never admit to loving Dan while she continually and freely admitted to loving Chuck. But Brucas for all their many problems generally had a more affectionate, less contentious dynamic---fewer insults, more real moments of emotional connection. So they just touch my heart more than dair even though I ship dair too and get why many like them more!

First of all, the "love at first sight" trope almost always flops for me when it comes to television ships. Even though my number one ship technically followed this pattern, they also took a long time to get together and weren't instantly "true love always" from the first couple of episodes. It's always "guy has been obsessed with girl for years and dreamed of marrying her before they'd ever spoken" or "they have this intense connection that can't be explained after speaking like twice and inexplicably understand each other better than friends, family, etc". And like you said, these couples are usually endgame so that the show can come full circle, even in cases where the two characters have moved beyond that and probably work better with other people.

I see what you mean, but I mostly view that as Blair being guarded and not wanting to admit out loud that she enjoys spending time with Dan. Both of them seemed to enjoy the banter, even though Blair could be mean spirited at times. As for the settling for Dan thing, I'm sure that's what was intended considering how the show ended, but to me it doesn't make much sense. Blair was settling for Louis and planning to commit herself to a life with him even though she was still drawn to Chuck. Dan was a complete surprise to Blair. He wasn't supposed to be her friend, let alone someone she could fall in love with. The end of season 5 is where it gets iffy. Initially, it seems like Blair is genuinely happy with Dan and is settling into this new, healthier idea of what love looks like. But obviously, the endgames were set in stone by this point, so they had to introduce some sort of conflict to push Blair back to Chuck. I don't know what to tell you. Gossip Girl is overall an offensively, badly written show. Yes, Brucas had softer moments. Both Brooke and Lucas were written as overall good people without the weird, elitist, hang ups, so there was no doubt they enjoyed each other's company even though mileage varies on whether or not Lucas truly considered Brooke his first choice the second time around. I mean, he did, but there's been a lot of retroactive discourse, insisting Lucas never cared for anyone except Peyton.

Also, sorry. I'm not trying to make you change your mind. You can't help how you interpret Dair, and your opinion is valid.

[greywolfheirs]

Chapter 5 is UP

We got ourselves some ACTION (I've never written anything this fast-paced before so let me know if the vibe feels correct lol) and a kind of cliffhanger. I think lol. Not sure if this counts but the plot is thickening.

Also names have changed so this is a good time to start from the beginning because it's become officially my own thing rather than a pseudo fanfic. Just saying.

“Royal protocol? I thought you were going to a farm,” Quirk asked.

Ward shrugged. “Well, apparently the Nobles used to own it and passed it to a civilian without proper paperwork, so it’s still theirs.”

“Huh,” Quirk said as she began gathering the files. “I thought royals were on top of that kind of thing.”

“Well, normally, yes,” Ward agreed. “But this was a couple decades ago, and the civilian was a family friend, so I suppose they didn’t bother.”

“And they don’t have people they hire specifically to sort these things out?” Quirk asked. “They have to lift one singular finger and they can’t even do that?”

Oliver cleared his throat. “Just a causal reminder that I am still in the room. In case anyone forgot.”

Ward’s smile was tight in a way that made it clear she was holding back a giggle as Quirk’s expression flickered from surprise to guilt to annoyance. It eventually settled on weariness.

“Sorry Your Royal Highness, we’ll try to keep our royal bashing to a minimum when you’re here,” Ward said.

“Well, you’re just lucky I’m the black duckling of the royals and don’t really give a shit,” Oliver laughed. “And any Noble family bashing is allowed and encouraged.”

Ward smiled at him, but before she could reply, Quirk had shoved folders in her arms.

“Thanks, Birdie,” Ward said, directing her smile at the other detective.

“Anytime,” Quirk responded, putting her hands in her pockets. She was clearly aiming for casual, but her stance was too tense. As Ward turned to leave, Quirk spoke up again. “And, uh, be careful today, okay?”

“Aren’t I always?” Ward asked, finally flashing her fangs as she gave a winning smile.

“No,” Quirk laughed.

“Well, I’ll try this time then,” Ward said, eyes boring into Quirk’s. “For you.”

“Okay!” Quirk responded after an awkward pause, letting Ward make her exit. After the door was closed, she sighed and turned back to her desk, expression tight.

“Sooooo,” Oliver couldn’t help but tease, “that was a fascinating interaction.”

“Shut up,” Quirk muttered, flopping into her desk chair.

“I’m just saying, that Detective Ward is an interesting specimen of a woman.” Oliver couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his features. “I’m just lucky women aren’t of interest to me. Otherwise, she’d be irresistible.”

Quirk picked up a sealed ink pot and chucked it in Oliver’s direction, laughing. “I said shut up.”

“Assaulting a royal? After insulting them?” Oliver tsked. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“I hate you,” Quirk sighed, giving up.

[starry-mist]

We've got a joint interrogation.

Here’s a thing I notice, because I’m left-handed and married to a right-handed guy: they’re sitting on the wrong side in this scene. Putting her on his left means potential hand-bumping. And now I’m going to notice which side they’re on in every other scene ever.

And why are you looking at Sarah? And why is she smiling? Best friends confirmed, by the way lol. However, I must note that the difference here is that in this case the women were friends before they started working together, and that's actually a recipe for disaster. Working together and gradually becoming friends like Charlie and Sarah is different and while lots of things can impact that as well (like romance), you already know how the other person works.

I want to move this episode to after the season finale because it works so well but…argh. The flip-flopping. More on that momentarily.

So CRA is like the Canadian IRS?

Yup, Canada Revenue Agency.

Okay so. They are SNUGGLED UP on that couch together when Rex brings up the pillow. There is a huge-ass space next to Sarah because once again she is nearly in Charlie’s lap. WTAF, writers? Like, there’s teasing and then there’s…whatever is happening in this episode.

So in my mind, and I might delve into this in fic someday, this episode could actually come after the season finale. Because Sarah is acting like her usual self, Michael doesn’t get mentioned, yes Charlie is pining but bear with me: The breakup happens. But Charah don’t immediately hook up because there’s so much stuff hanging between them. But they start hanging out again and have moments like this. And he’s still looking at her like he’s in love, but giving her space to make sure she’s ready once they do get together and dammit this is a novel already but you get what I mean.

Anyway. The writers hate us.

Children.

*screams in UST*

I am surprised this one hit the image limit but it’s definitely a late-s4 hidden gem.

Hudson and Rex S04E13 - Roses of Signal Hill - Part B

And what are you going to do with the footage of Rex's takedown? I don't think you can use it for the shelter ad.

We've got a joint interrogation.

The "scarves are important" subliminal message is too heavy-handed.

"Then me." lol

And why are you looking at Sarah? And why is she smiling? Best friends confirmed, by the way lol. However, I must note that the difference here is that in this case the women were friends before they started working together, and that's actually a recipe for disaster. Working together and gradually becoming friends like Charlie and Sarah is different and while lots of things can impact that as well (like romance), you already know how the other person works.

Wow, don't be so extravagant with the compliments, Joe.

So CRA is like the Canadian IRS?

"My Charlie must get at least 5 hours of sleep otherwise he wakes up cranky."

"Fine, but if you're cranky tomorrow, I'll bite you."

This is the cutest ad placement but if I find out that this scene has been cut due to product placement anywhere, like some other scenes have, I'll wonder if the extra money is worth it.

Charlie is such a dork.

Rex dancing with Sarah is definitely the cheesiest thing they've done in a while.

Does anyone think of the fact that Charlie had to tell Alexa that when Rex barks she should respond with, "Who's a good pup? Woof" or is it just me?

"Let me kiss you since you and Charlie are still being idiots."

He is a love-struck fool, your Honor. Treat him with leniency.

I want one!

*gasps* The scarfs were important to the plot!

Come on, man, you can't still be surprised by how low humans can stoop.

Rex: "Listen to him! Do you have any idea how much steak you could get for me with that money?"

Jesse and Jazmin are still a thing, I see.

"It me!"

Not the bedroom voice! Are you trying to ruin him?

Children.

As I said, enjoyable. I don't think it drives home the point that Charlie lost a friend. Like, there is that scene with Joe at Charlie's home where he asks him if he's okay and that's pretty much it. Not to mention that the scene is supposed to be an Alexa ad. Anyway, we can't have too much depth on the doggo show lest the audience chooses something more easily digestible to go with their dinner.

[tblsomedoodles]

Mama is tempted to simply ask Leo and Donnie to spend the night, 100% genuine this time, just cuz she was so worried when Donnie showed up sick out of seemingly nowhere and practically passed out in her office. She even mentions that this offer goes "beyond our silly wittle game and I assure you I'm completely serious about this matter."

Leo refuses, stating that even if he had trusted her about the matter he can't be gone for more than an hour,

"Raph gets extra worried when one of us is sick."

At the time Leo had been too busy being worried over Donnie to notice his slip of the tongue but Mama sure did, and the implications has her seething.

Raph would be worried, not their father.

oooh yes! b/c she is genuinely worried for Donnie. She's never seen him sick before (maybe when they were babies but that was a long time ago.) And this kid that normally very skeptical of her and doesn't even trust her enough to touch him, is now sitting on her couch, leaning heavily against her as he mumbles and whimpers for his twin.

She is very worried, and, to be clear, the only reason she's not keeping him is b/c he wants Leo.

So yeah, she would probably offer for them both to stay (no strings attached, and just until Donnie recovers.) b/c she would want to make sure he does. She's not overly surprised that Leo turns down her offer and ends up leaving with Donnie flopped against his shell.

But that statement? yeah, That would surprise her.

Leo had been so careful not telling Mama much about their home life, especially Splinter. (the other boys avoid it too, just b/c they think it would be awkward to bring up.) But right then? His twin is sick and had went missing for over an hour only for Mama to end up having him and just offering him back, like they hadn't been playing a complicated game of cat and mouse for the last month. The boy is rattled, so in his distraction he lets something slip.

And that would infuriate Mama. If she wasn't actively getting a case ready to gain custody of those boys, she's definitely starting one now (even if she was, she would immediately start hurrying it along.) She doesn't know what's going on at home with them, but then again, she doesn't really need to if she brings them home.

This was brilliant. Thank you!

lol pretty much! The fact she now has his number is conveniently forgotten until she uses it again.

Thank you!

[lonely-lost-soul]

Let Me Worship You

(C!Technoblade X Gn!Reader)

Request 9: Could I perhaps request a c!techno x gn!reader where maybe the reader is good friends with Dadza and meets Techno one day and they fall for each other? Bonus if the reader is maybe a great builder like dadza but too shy to actually meet anyone so they just build things quietly and then move on and no one but dadza really knows them? Soft! and/or protective! Techno would be cute but not needed!! 😊😊😊

Requested By: 🍀 Anon

I hope you don't mind the shameless art I made for this lol.

At this point in his life, Technoblade had known Phil for centuries, they started their own brief empire together and he watched him raise Wilbur the best a single father could. It was about five years ago when you started following Phil around, the first time Technoblade met you was entirely by accident. He just needed to drop off some building supplies to Phil and Wilbur when he saw you trifling through Phil’s stuff, you had gorgeous white wings and when the sun hit them just right he saw flecks of gold peek through. His piglin side was immediately enamored with the gold wanted to reach out and run a delicate hand through the feathers. Technoblade set his jaw and summoned his ax to his side, you turned around (e/c) eyes widening with shock and fear. Technoblade couldn’t help but feel pure satisfaction rush through his veins seeing your fright. You held up your hands and everything you were holding tumbled to the ground, wings puffing up with shock and horror. Hearing the noise Phil wandered into the room and was quick to diffuse the situation, you hid behind the taller male and Techno gave a grunt of an apology in your direction.

From that moment forward you were as much of a staple in his life as Phil was, Phil had explained Wilbur had found you half dead a little ways away from his home. You had wings like his and Phil couldn’t let you die without answers, his crows would never let him live it down. After he got what he needed from you, Phil noticed just how handy you were around the house especially when you were building things so he kept you around. Technoblade never really interacted with you unless Phil was there to interpret, you weren’t much of a talker and Technoblade was never one for long-drawn-out conversation anyway. However, when Phil had killed Wilbur and he and Technoblade had to move north you inevitably followed the birdman. That’s when Technoblade really began to understand and get to know you and your little quirks. He noticed that when you concentrated on blueprints to a certain build you’d stick your tongue out all cute like, or the soft songs you’d hum when you thought no one was listening.

But Technoblade always listens.

He also noticed that since you and Phil had moved in there was an abundance of not only Phil’s crows flying around but a few stray morning doves pecking at the snow as well.

With the encouragement of the voices, Technoblade had gathered up enough courage to attempt to hold onto a conversation with you. As he walked up to you he noticed the soft coo of a dove was heard, catching your attention. You turned around and your eyes locked with his own, he watched your shoulders tense and face flush a little as he approached you.

Off to a rocky start already. Great.

“Ugh. Hey?” Technoblade grunted hands crossing over his chest,

‘Hey? HEY? is that the best you can do? Look at them they’re cowering. Good, they should be, which means we’re well known.’

Technoblade cleared his throat a little as you held up a hand with a shy wave, “hello.” You greeted, your voice was soft and sweet like honey in his ears. The exact opposite of Wilbur and Tommy’s, he found himself enjoying the tone. “So um...did I do something wrong?” Your wings folded back and he watched you methodically run your fingers through the feathers.

‘Look at the gold flecks! I want them! I wanna pet them they’re so cute! So small and helpless like a little worm. Worm? Really? What it’s an analogy! A bad one! Shut up she’s giving us a look!’

“No? Did you do something I should be concerned about?”

“No!” You sputtered out in panic, dropping the bricks in your hand stumbling back so they wouldn’t crush your toes.

You had fast reflexes, that’s good.

The morning dove around you cooed in distress fluttering up to your shoulder, nesting there like it was its home. “I’m alright,” You whispered eyes going soft as you scratched under the bird’s chin, Technoblade watched with interest. Technoblade gathered why Phil really liked you, you were almost an exact replica of the mild manner builder, other than the anarchist tendencies.

“Didn’t mean to make you drop your stuff,” Technoblade clicked his tongue softly bending down to gather your materials. “Where do you want them?”

“You don’t have to-”

“I asked you a question kid.” Your mouth snapped shut and your lips pressed into a thin tense line. Technoblade observed as your eyebrow twitched, oh you were annoyed. You didn’t voice your annoyance he couldn’t help but mentally comment how cute that look was on you. A huff spilled past your lips and you directed him where to place the bricks in their proper locations. The both of you fell into light conversation after that, he caused you to laugh a few times and it made him feel oddly warm inside. He didn’t even realize that the sun began to set until you pointed it out, Technoblade rubbed the stubble on his chin glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. You were staring up at the sunset, the orange and red colors shone through the gaps in your feathers, your eyes were alight with wonder. You looked like an old Greek statue, an angel carved out of the finest marble and gemstones.

He flushed when you turned to face him, embarrassed to have been caught staring at you so blatantly. You smiled the tips of your pointing ears turning pink, “You should stay the night.” Technoblade spoke without really thinking about the consequences, “there’s plenty of room.”

“Alright. I think I will. It’s not safe flying at night anyway.” Your smile only growing in size at his offer, he made the right decision then, he led you and your little dove through the snow and into his cabin.

Spring rolled around and there was a little house set up right next to Technoblade’s home. It fit his aesthetic nicely, made out of wood, and always had its lanterns lit, it was your home. However, you began to spend most of your time at Technoblade’s home talking with the retired Blood God. You and Phil also had begun molting which was Technoblade’s least favorite time of the year mostly because of all the feathers. However, this year in particular he was particularly enamored with your shiny golden feathers he would find around his home. Maybe he collected them and kept them in his ender chest, it wasn’t creepy he was cleaning. At least that’s what Technoblade told himself, not because he found your feathers beautiful or anything and was enamored by the shine.

“Hey Kid,” Technoblade asked from his seat across from you in his sitting room, you picked your head up and tilted it to the side in a questioning manner. Your wings were ruffled, messy and you looked uncomfortable to be interrupted from your grooming. “Need some help?” He watched your entire face turn bright red in the process, “look you can say no. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable!” You argued, “just caught off guard a little Tech. I never thought it’d be something you were interested in.” Standing up from the chair you spread your wings wide, pulled over a stool, and flopped in front of Technoblade. He was a little shocked at how quickly you agreed, they must’ve really been bothering you.

“Do I...just stick my hands in there or…”

You tossed your head back and let out a roaring laugh,

“heh? What’s so funny huh? I don’t wanna hurt you.” Technoblade snapped at you with an embarrassed huff, your laughter slowly dyed down after a few more seconds.

“Sorry I just. Is that what you say to the ladies too?” Technoblade choked and blanked never once have you said something so dirty before, he didn’t even know you were capable of making jokes like that.

“I say that to everyone actually, I don’t discriminate to just women- I’m not helping my case am I? I should stop talking.” It only served to send you into another set of loud giggles, Technoblade was red in the face and stuck his hands into the little feathers by your back. He felt you tense up for a moment before relaxing into his touch, you let out a soft sound of pleasure. Technoblade chose to ignore the sound even if it sent the voices into a frenzy, to mark and claim, and...he was absolutely not going to finish that thought. You both sat there for about an hour and thirty minutes, fixing up your feathers making you preen at the touches. You were smiling like an idiot by the time he was done and you spread your feathers wide, almost like you were showing them off. Technoblade couldn’t help but feel proud that you liked the work he did so much,

“They’re so soft! Thank you Techno!” You turned towards him, eyes practically glowing with adoration. His face turned red, you were stunning, he kissed you that night and by wintertime, the both of you were an official couple.

Phil was quick to catch onto the change in demeanor between the couple, he clapped Techno on the back as congratulations. You were out on another building project, making a little farm because you knew how much Technoblade loved potatoes, you really were attentive. Surprising Technoblade, Phil had also threatened his first cannon life if he ever hurt you in any way, shape, or form. Techno was a little surprised Phil would go as far as to threaten him, but he promised his old friend he wouldn’t let any man, woman, or creature lay their hands on you, including himself.

It was the dead of winter and temperatures had dropped drastically, Technoblade had made both you and Phil warm clothes for the occasion that matched with his own winter gear. He had given you a friendship emerald and in return, you made him a necklace with one of your golden feathers on it.

Technoblade cherished the gift with his entire being. On occasion, while he was out on a long journey he’d press gentle kisses to it when he missed you, and he swore sometimes he swore it moved on its own. He walked into the cabin to see you spread across his couch, a book on your lap, wings curled in tight against your body. He smiled softly dropping the wood he gathered by the door, he snuck over to you and pressed a kiss against your cheek.

“Hi, sunshine,” You greeted turning your head to look at him, his face burned and his chest filled with warmth. Technoblade moved to sit in your lap with a smirk, he plucked the book from your hands to look at the cover. You frowned in his direction, “You lose my spot and I’m hitting you over the head with it.”

“Violent.” He tutted softly bopping you on the head with said book, you shot him a cold look.

“Hypocrite.”

“Nerd.” He responded casually, you let out a little huff, wings ruffling in frustration.

There’s that look, he loved that look. God, you were so cute.

You slapped your hands on his cheeks, and it shocked him back to attention. He felt your fingers spread across his cheeks and your thumbs brush against the apples of his face. Technoblade’s eyes softened and he snuggled into your open palms, he saw you smile and his eyes dropped to a content close. Technoblade did something he hadn’t done in years, he felt the rumble in his throat before it happened, he purred.

His eyes snapped open with fear and embarrassment, but the way your eyes were sparkling quelled the feelings immediately.

“Did you just purr?”

“So what if I did?” He grumbled another purr mixing with a growl,

“That’s the cutest thing in the entire world Mr. Big Bad anarchist. You only purr for me?” The light teasing in your voice sent him aflame, “Aw you do!” You cooed rubbing his cheeks with your thumbs again, he buried his face in your chest as more purrs spilled from his mouth without him wanting them to. “No need to hide it, keep them purrs coming.” Technoblade’s entire face was red as you reached forward to pluck his glasses from his nose. You placed them on the end table and grabbed a blanket wrapping you both inside a cocoon of warmth.

“You tell anyone about this and we’re breaking up.”

“Deal. Your secrets safe with me.” You hummed quietly running his hands through his pink locks melting against your touch. He finally relaxed completely resting the side of his head against your chest to listen to your heartbeat. Technoblade purred and you could feel the rumbles of his chest against your own. The ferocious Blade was akin to a cat, grumpy on the outside but a big softie who wanted attention on the inside. Leaning forward you kissed his forehead, another louder purr was pulled from the man and pressed his forehead back against your lips. “Good boy.~” You teased scratching under his chin he sent you a tired look but the redness in his cheeks gave away how much he enjoyed the praise.

“Shut up. You’re being cringe.” He growled with no real bite or fire,

“Take a nap big guy. You deserve one. You’re safe with me.” Technoblade yawned loudly at your words, his jaw unhinging a little, only proving to show how tired he really was. “I’ll protect you, always.” Technoblade smiled sheepishly and allowed himself to let his guard down just this once to fall asleep in his lover’s arms.

[masquayla-the-splendid]

Gdhdhe I've been in the fandom since like April 2015. I did not have a favorite until SL, and it has not changed lol. I am loyal. To that clown bot.

My interpretation of him is like a mirror maze at this point. I can see them multiple ways, but my favorites are ones that realize them as an individual. (It's def the SU thing, because seasons 2/3 were airing around the same time as SL/6 lmao) He has a very unique design and motive that deserve it's own character.(and voice)

We could've really used a game that exlpores them more, but Angst Phase Baby and Funtime Freddy 2.0 fumbled the chance of that happening. :[

My memory is spotty on some specifics of the fandom at that point, but the confusion in recent times I can attribute to too much differing information from too many people about a character with sparse details. I'll have to read what these comments are about but oh man the concept of remnant and Molten MCI made it way more complicated than it needed to be. That and Shatter Victim, for example. There was no chance we would've pulled that in 2016, so it probably ain't it. Do I like the concept outside of a fnaf context? Yes. Any theory I personally disagree with, I see merit in another story.

I wouldn't use Scott's beliefs that weren't meant to reach public view as 100% reliable, regarding the characters. Bonnie is a boy and uses a girl's name, Toy Freddy and Toy Bonnie wear makeup and have lashes, which sparked a tiny gender debate for Bonnie specifically, but Mangle's gender was a much hotter topic. We got an answer of "yes" sometime in 2015, because trolling, but her pronouns have always flip flopped between "he" and "she" (FunFoxy as well.) Best case scenario, he's just not very well knowledged about the things he donates to, rather than it coming from a place of malice. In the Flesh exists, and he states his regret by the new interview. (Clearly because of the contents, and not the main message of "don't be mad that chicks don't want you if you're disrespectful" that went over many heads.) He may be a Texan Rep middle aged man, but he ain't the spitting image of one. Though I understand the concern.

He also said the designs for his creatures just sorta come to him. I wouldn't be surprised if "he" was just the first thing that came to mind either. (It also doesn't help that in none of the interviews, scott or steel wool, do they ever talk about Ennard and throw in a pronoun.)

Day 73

Ennard from Fnaf: Sister Location

Y'know, it's a good thing the animatronics are robots. Because if this guy(s) was human they'd be horrifying. Whether it'd be easier or harder to assume they're their own person is up for debate though. It's almost impressive how a lot of people misunderstood what Ennard is(a messed up fusion of the SL animatronics in order to fit them all into one body), though I assume Pizza Simulator's teasers made it a bit clearer. Really, the only unclear thing is how big they are. I assume they're around human-sized, but trying to apply logic to this series is a good way to get a headache, so it's 50/50

As for who they're a variation of: they're a direct variation of Baby, Funtime Freddy, presumably BonBon, Ballora, and Funtime Foxy, while also being an indirect variation of Freddy, Foxy, Mangle, and maybe Bonnie

Also why did(does?) everyone portray this skin stealer as a dude? They're multiple robots together, a mostly even split of genders, and led by Baby, who's a girl. Even UCN is guilty of this

[sonianvmd]

thh characters with a crush on you

warnings: none, maybe some swearing but otherwise nothing major

oH and mentions of murder and death but this is danganronpa so im going to assume u expected as much

a/n: so we kickin this blog off with a bang, writing for LITERALLY THE ENTIRE TRIGGER HAPPY HAVOC CAST LMFAOAOAOAO (excluding hifumi, yasuhiro, and the two despairs doe bc i’ve already made that clear)

also some character’s sections are shorter than others im sorry i just couldnt think of as many bullet points for them *tiktok cry emoji*

edit: I FORGOT CELSESTE FU K SORRY

spoilers under the cut!!

★ 彡 ★ ミ ★ 彡 ★ ミ ★

makoto naegi

when he realizes he likes you, he doesn’t necessarily panic or anything, but he does get nervous

nervous around you, that is

y’all saw how he was with sayaka

if he says anything that might sound intimate then he’ll immediately rephrase it or reassure he didn’t mean anything by it

he really only does have good intentions but his wording just kinda flops sometimes

he appreciates how you listen to him and value what he says

you don't make him feel dumb or inferior compared to a bunch of ultimates with actual talents

he’ll muster up the courage to tell you eventually

let’s hope his luck comes through 😁

byakuya togami

now when THIS man realizes he likes you, he a bitch nigga bout it 😐

he can't believe he fell for a common plebeian such as you

but it was hard not to

the way you preferred to get to the point

the way you were aware of your situation and didn't sugarcoat how you felt about it, although you certainly were nicer with it than him

he's ruthless

anyways

you knew your priorities and spent no time trying to use your resources

he noticed how much you had in common; in you, he saw himself

and we all know how this mf feels about himself 😐

he’ll be quick to defend you in class trials

he won’t realize he’s doing it but he just subconsciously protects you

but just because he doesn't notice it, don't mean the rest of the class brushes past it as well

yeah they on his ass LMFAOO

kyoko kirigiri

kyoko is very good at keeping her composure so she won’t be very obvious

she’ll probably just hang around you more

she’ll also defend you in class trials, calmly

“oh, it couldn’t have been [name]. i remember seeing them in their dorm around the time the murder took place.”

hifumi probably finna say some dumb shit like “aye what was you doin in their dorm doe” but anyways

she finds you respectable

if you have anything to contribute, she’ll let you take the floor

when she tells you, she’s very composed, but also very indirect LMFAO

she’s not too sure on how to express her interest in you but maybe she’ll go about it like “well, [name], now we’ve made it here, would you like to step back into the world with me?” or somethin else along those lines idk

take her hand

pls

toko fukawa

y’all know her whole “master togami” shtick

yeah so 😁😁😁😁

no but fr, toko ofc still has her borderline stalkerish 🧍🏾‍♀️ tendencies

she’ll often find herself staring at you, either in the library or in the morning meetings everyday at breakfast

but she isn’t as straight forward as she is with byakuya

i actually think she’d be mad shy and non confrontational

the whole thing she kept up with him ? yeah, never again

if you approach her first then she’ll be able to get a few words out but for most of the conversation, she’ll just nervously play with her braids

you’ll most likely put two and two together

unless ur a makoto kinnie bc then you’ll have to wait till someone else puts it in place for u but anyways

if you decide to approach her about it, you’ll kinda be backing her into a corner bc she’s just bad at deflecting things lmao

she’ll eventually confess (begrudgingly but hey i mean its better than nothing)

expect much stuttering and a gesture like giving you a small gift

and not to be that writer that uses japanese terms in english writing but toko seems like a tsundere but not really if that makes sense?? so she’d probably shove it in your hands and if you try to say something then she’ll just try to play it off as not a big deal lol

calls u a baka 😍😍

aoi asahina

i know y’all all see how she is with sakura

yeah.

aoi is the kind of person who’d like to spend time with their crush rather than shy away from them

she values you and your friendship very much

bring her donuts

just trust me bring her donuts

she doesn’t really realize she’s into you like that for a while but believe me, she is, the whole time

and yeah i think she’d be nervous to tell you bc that’s just natural but ultimately she’d be cool about it

uh oh looks like we goin for a swim

sakura ogami

similar to kyoko, she’s very calm

despite her big and bad appearance, she really is a sweet girl

she cares for you and your well-being very much

will indeed go on x games mode for you

the way she tells you is very sincere and well spoken

kith her

naow

im sorry this is like the shortest one i couldn’t think of much for her 😔😔

leon kuwata

flirtatious ass mf

and he’s lightskin

so this just cannot go well

y’all know that bit where it’s like the guy yawns and stretches his arms up and then wraps one around your shoulder

yeah that’s literally him LMFAOO

he’s very confident

he was fairly well known with the ladies at his old school so you know he’s rhockin wit it ‼️

but

you feel.. different than usual ??

those girls were just lil flings n dates bc he was nice enough to accept their confessions and it boosted his ego anyway so it was a win win

but you

he was genuinely interested in you since he had saw you the first time

he didn’t just acknowledge your appearance

he learnt about your personality and your hobbies and what you liked and such, and he really cared and wanted to hear you talk about it all

he felt the need to really make an effort to show you how much he respected and had affections for you

he doesn't tell you in a grand way

probably just asks you out to a movie or somethin

he's chillin

mondo owada

you know

for being the biggest, baddest, most respected biker gang leader

or just for being in a biker gang period

mondo’s a huge softie lol

yeah he gets violent but he’s a sweet guy who cares about and is loyal to his friends

so mfs need to be nice to you

or they gettin whooped

when he decides it’s time to tell you how he feels, he thinks over his words and he’s all confident there’s no way you’d reject him but then he sees you in the halls and goes 🧍🏾 LMFAOOO

he’ll push through but it’s like he’ll walk up to you and look away from you because he refuses eye contact and just go

“so y/n, would you wanna.. tch.. come to a drive-in movie with me or somethin’?... dumbass.”

real smooth mondo i think you got em good job

please tease him LMFAOO it’d be so funny

he’d probably yell but you can tell he’s not mad so you just keep going with it

but once you’re done tormenting him, you do agree to the movie, don’t worry 🙏🏾

also mondo would call his s/o doll

that is all

chihiro fujisaki

my fav dude in a dress <3

chihiro would be quite shy, but that’s just how he is tbh so no surprise there

he’s very kind so he’d check up on you often just to see how you are

he cares about you v much

the way he confesses is one that consists of a red face as he offers you a box of candy or something similar

and he’d feel honored that you reciprocate his feelings

he’d be very scared to tell you his secret but once he does, he’s delighted to hear it doesn’t make any difference to you

he doesn’t know how he got so lucky with you

not only because woooo they like me back but also because you like him despite,, well everything about him LMFAOO

sweet lil boy

i’d feel like he’d talk about you to alter ego a lot

and when u meet the program for the first time, he’s like “oh! you must be [name]! master’s told me all about you :)”

sobbing i miss him

kiyotaka ishimaru

okay here’s the thing

if taka were to like someone

i can’t tell whether he’d be more strict because he doesn’t want them to get in trouble (and also so it would hopefully divert any suspicion that he DOES like you since he treats you the same as everyone else, only more)

or if he’d hold back more because he favors them LMFAOO

so imma write a lil bit for both

in the case that he was even stricter:

he’d prefer to be around you because he believes the best way he can make sure you stay out of trouble is to make sure you don’t get into any in the first place

of course it’s impossible to monitor you every second of every day but he does his best to make sure you’re doing well

if he sees you do anything out of line, he’s shutting that shit down IMMEDIATELY

but in the case he let up:

he’d still lecture you but noticeably less than the other students

if your feet were resting on top of a desk, he’d ask you to move them and then leave you alone rather than yell at you and forcibly move them himself

if you notice his behavior towards you in comparison to the other students do not tease him about it he will go as red as his eyes /hj

either way he’s confessing to you with a polite but exaggerated bow while holding out a well thought out letter with both hands

sayaka maizono

she will tell you

idk why but i feel like she’d be straight up lol

she’d make sure she’s sincere

she is the ultimate pop idol and all so she wants to make sure you know that she really does like you and isn’t playing a sick joke on you or anything

ok bc

while i do think she’d tell you

i’d feel like she’d be a little indirect just to see how you feel

like she’d give you a free ticket to one of her upcoming concerts with a kind smile

and naturally, you're like :o

and of course you come to support her

and seeing you smile at her from the crowd and cheer her on was the encouragement she needed to push her to ask you out

for real this time

she asks if you wanna come to a concert with her and ur like “oh yeah i love ur shows!!” bc ur dumb and then she’s like “no i mean.. for another artist” and eventually it hits you that she’s asking you out and ur like “oH YEAH YEAH SURE THAT SOUNDS GREAT YEAH OK” LMFAOO

———

i really hope that this is good LMFAOO this is my first time writing for dr so 😃👍🏾

fun fact i finished toko’s section first and taka’s last 😁😁

and i’d like to thank @mius-imagination @bloodygir n the rest of the discord for helping me figure some of these characters out *simultaneously whips and nae naes*

bye ive been working on this for like weeks this took forever

———

edit: here’s a deleted section bc i kept blanking for this character 😍