#living in this body is mental and physical torture 24/7 i swear i cannot take much more of this

[damnedifivoodoo]

I'm flaring up really badly this week and it's starting to give me that really scary feeling with my heart and restricted breathing again. I've had so many scans done recently, my organs are healthy as can be, so I know this won't kill me but it certainly feels like its going to

[streamacademe]

Week 15, Day 99.

Happy New Year!!! I am 100% one of those people who sits and ponders over  the previous year, reflects on what it brought into my life, and sets goals, writes down resolutions, and gets a burst of motivation for the new year! I have set myself 6 main resolutions based on the lessons that I have learnt in 2017:

Stop checking up on people that I have chosen to leave behind in 2017 - social media gives us easy access into our past (thanks, Facebook memories), and the people in it. This is extremely detrimental to our mental health, especially as social media never honestly or accurately reflects the reality of peoples lives. Going over and over the past prevents us from moving forward and being truly happy. I am quite weak in this area, and have been a victim of self torture through this process. It never brings anything positive to your life and either makes you sad, vindictive, or schadenfreude. You can’t build your happiness on someone else’s misfortune, and you can’t heal if you keep re-opening old wounds. 

Make 2018 my fitness year - and no, I don’t mean ‘lose weight’ or ‘get a beach body’. All I mean by this, is that I want to make full use of my physical abilities, push my boundaries, and really look after myself. After all, physical health has a direct impact on mental health, and with how challenging 2018 will be, I want to be prepared.

Be selfish and put my degree and myself first - this may be a resolution that will be frowned upon by some. But to me, it’s the most important one. I find myself constantly putting other people and their needs first, and always end up stressed, frustrated, and tired as I end up with less energy and time for my work. Subsequently, this decreases the quality of the outcome of my work and therefore makes me miserable. 

Make more time for family - I have struggled quite a lot this year with feeling overwhelmed and completely un-grounded; a very unpleasant way to feel. One of the ways that people tend to overcome this is by going home to family; returning to their roots for a bit. Unfortunately, I am at all times extremely far away from all of my family members and cannot do that. Plus, we’re not here forever, and need to remember to value those that are closest to us. I have largely ignored the situation I’m in and have learnt that this is no way to cope with my problems. Hence the resolution. 

Relax more - now, I have zero understanding on how this is done. The only time I relax is when I’m at the cinema, as I am forced to do nothing else but watch the film. I push myself to absolute breaking point, and tend to only take time off when I get the flu. This is extremely self-destructive and doesn’t do me any good. So I’m going to try and learn to chill. I’ve already started on an anti-stress colouring in book. :P

Spend less time on my phone - I swear to God, how did we ever survive without phones?! I miss it so much. I refused until last minute to get one of those new fancy touch-screen phones, and most of the time I wish I never did. Our entire lives are on those things, and it’s as if we can’t function without them. I feel like I’m on call 24/7 and it’s horrendous. My phone use currently averages out at 4 hours a day, which is 30 hours a week; I spend over a day of my life every week on my phone!!! So in the new year I’m going to try really hard to decrease this, starting with stopping myself from checking my phone first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to bed. I highly recommend an app called ‘Quality Time’ which tracks the amount of time you spend on your phone and what applications you use the most.

The above are just a handful of my goals, the others are too personal to be of any interest to you.  I hope that 2018 brings adventure, positive changes, laughter, strength, kindness, and love to all of you. 

Below is a photo of me doing lots of pondering over of all the above whilst welcoming the New Year with the rest of the UK. <3