#live laugh love sheila tho

[alaskan-wallflower]

love love love mama bear sheila. ik the broflovskis are reform jews but i like to imagine that they celebrate a lot of the high holidays and i hc that sheila cooks like a BEAST during these times. like she knows what tf she’s doing with that matzoh ball soup and brisket. she definitely keeps her sons very well fed but kyle somehow only grows vertically LMAO

oh absolutely

i kinda hdc that too? like i don’t really know everything about every sect of judaism but i’m trying to research it. but i do feel like they would celebrate them too?

i know they do celebrate passover tho, and i hdc she’s an absolute monster in the kitchen around that time. she also teaches kyle how to cook for when he’s in college, so they have cooking sessions together.

i also kinda feel like she’d be the kind of mom to be like “you’re full already? don’t you want one more bowl?” until her kids are like-unable to move because of how full they are. she’s just a mama bear who wants to make sure her babies are full and aren’t going to bed hungry

even if that means her kids (especially kyle) are bedridden for the next few hours, unable to really do much-

[batarangsoundsdumb]

yet another ask dump yeehaw!

do you ever think that jay's mother was one of those bitch who believes in horoscope and tarots and things like that and so he believes in these things too, or it is just me projecting?

sheila haywood took one look at jason's birthchart said 'nah this won't do' and left.

Wait, but what happens when the justice league does find out that Bruce and John fucked? Lmao it sounds like it would be hilarious, really, I don’t want a justice league that doesn’t make fun of Bruce for like his entire life.

barry runs out of the meeting immediately and comes back with an entire sti testing kit. diana fully seriously wants bruce to get tested while bruce is sitting there like 'come on guys, you're being ridiculous, i already checked twice'

john is standing in the corner clearly offended while bruce is just like 'don't even say anything, constantine, you fucked a shark'

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

on the one hand, good for him, on the other hand, bro, how do you still have a secret identity when your superhero name is just your last name,,,,

Your fic on ao3 was GOLD PLEASE CONTINUE I loved Dinah's cameo btw ( @purple-vixen

thanks so much! i already continued but this ask is like 10 years old because i'm a notorious procrastinator (also yes! i love dinah so much aahhhhhhhhhhhh)

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

bruce internally: holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit bruce externally: get out of my city, alien

AHHH ur multimedia fic is the only thing that brings me happiness anymore continue it forever pls

uhh thanks, but can't continue it forever because my attention span is that of a toddler on crack on a good day and i can't function without at least 10 things going on at the same time and music in the background

Oi, so I'm getting into dc and watching batman the animated series, and they use fruitcake a lot. Which I thought was very funny and wanted to share w you - Denilla

wait like fruitcake (food) or fruitcake (derogatory) ?

young justice 🤝 teen titans slut shaming batman

tim drake and dick grayson to their respective teams 'you guys stop it, that's my dad'

Happyhoganon: If an eighty year old Batman had fought crime in Gotham City for decades and the only threats to him and the city lately are a wheel chair bounded Penguin, your usual purse snatchers and a few con artists popping up every now and then, how well could the Dark Knight do in maintaining the peace in Gotham despite him being just somewhat fit to do that as an elderly man (which says A LOT given how old he is)

uhh he'll probably do what my grandpa does and that is ruthlessly prank them until they die of shame.

in the death in the family interactive movie there's an ending where Jason is tasked with raising Damian and he decides he's gonna raise Damian to take down the waynes and al ghuls which uh maybe isn't great BUT the idea of Jason raising Damian... PRICELESS. CHAOTIC. I just need more people to know about this :)

yes i saw that wow holy shit but jason would accidentally drop damian on his head one (1) hour in and jason just yeets him into the lazarus pit.

Headcanon: The Penguin has a really hard time fighting any of the Robins because of his avian obsession means there's always a small part of his mind that's like "Birb. Child. Protect" ( @subspacecadet )

as soon as dick becomes nightwing the penguin is like 'you know what, fuck this dude' and shoots at him.

Y'all talking about King Shark dating Constantine, let's not forget about John literally hooking up with Satan

listen there's a clear difference between monsterfucker and satanfucker in that king shark is literally a shark and satan still looks like a normal dude

Does everyone in Gotham think Batman is a teen dad?

everyone in gotham thinks batman has been around since gotham was founded, but they do think that bruce wayne is actually a teen father and dick grayson's biological dad.

why. why would you do that fancast when you know it will only hurt people

what? i loved my fancast it was really well done. i did it with good representation in mind and i really managed that with alfred pennyworth being ✨italian✨

Seeing james charles a jason gave me psychic damage how dare you i need to wash my eyes

well that's a you problem isn't it?

do you think dick grayson thirst tweets about nightwing just to annoy his family/cause problems on purpose in general?

he thinks nightwing is hot, next question.

holy jiminy cricket batman, its as cold as the good lords ass crack in here!!

i- what? this is why i don't fuck with english expressions it's way too goddamn weird

Brooooooo, your teen dad!Bruce au is soooo good. I've got brainrot.

Honestly if you ever write anymore, I'd read that shit twice. Sign me the fuck up. Good stuff, Good Stuff.

uh yeah i'm thinking about writing a fic, but i have exams coming up and i don't wanna fail because that would suck. but after i'll certainly be writing more tho

your teen dad AU is so great! bruce acting like a big brother for all of like a week before he's telling everyone about his son. what if in the AU dick meets the JL because they need to rescue him? maybe he's in trouble/kidnapped at a gala and bruce starts calling for JL. clark finds him and has to fly with dick to bring him home - that's how dick and clark meet and superman becomes dick's fave hero. he goes around the manor thinking he can fly with a red blanket draped around him like a cape.

actually- if you want a young dad! bruce fic with like that kinda stuff(just with damian) go check uhh- in for a penny by cdelphiki. it's really good and bruce is like 24/25-ish. (and dick's there!!!)

This account has solely convinced me that Tim is a trash goblin ( @hamilcat-and-magic-turtle )

because he is. that boy has slept in dumpsters on multiple occasions even if he is the son of a billionaire.

Okay but when you said victory dance I did think of the whole justice league defeating the big bad and then they all start flossing

well that's exactly what hal jordan does and that's why batman uses a gun now. no but the victory dance in my opinion is like the 'we're all in this together' dance from high school musical.

The horrors in Invincible s1 was nothing compared to the comics, I cant wait for s2

oh well okay, i mean i personally react to horror and violence by laughing awkwardly so i can't wait to be called a monster for accidentally laughing at a mass murder.

I'm currently watching Batman: The Brave and The Bold and- Bruce is just talking about Oliver like he's an old love (@nightwings-kid)

okay im going to watch that lmao that's totally and completely in character for him tho.

The invincible comic is like super gratuitous with its violence so much so I'm shocked the show was able to adapt it in a faithful way! Anyway had the show been live action it absolutely wouldn't have the same impact as it does as an animated show and I'm so glad so many people agree with me on that

also because a live action casting would've been like uhh amanda stenberg for amber, the dude- the guy from the supernatural but with a mustache for omni-man, and scarlet johanssen for debbie grayson

Debbie grayson is a milf, yes. You're welcome for the invincible propoganda, now you can questions your life. Bruce def seems like the perfect father next to Omni-man. Like they really took a rip off justice league and I was like well, now I'm attached even tho I was like hah I know who they're supposed to be. And then bam- death gore death gore gore gore sad Mark grayson just had to have daddy issues. Why does every character have daddy issues. I'm sick of the attacks

because daddy issues make a person arguably funnier, that's why i'm not even remotely funny (haha good dad flex). i liked that it was dark contextually, but not in the colouring, bc i hate when it's like 'uh yeah graphic murder and now a shot so dark you have to sit in a dark room and squint at the screen to faintly see the characters. (like dcau ugh)

About the Wayne insurance, for a moment I thought you would put the video with moans over the waves.

i mean- i could've done that, but rick rolling seemed more family friendly.

Its the first time in forever that im surpise rickrolled, i usually expect it. Congratulations (i really should know better this is tumblr)

i get rickrolled so often but i actually like the song so i dont really give a fuck

Actually, my information about Damian and John's kids is outdated because it was revealed that the old men telling the kids stories about the Supersons were actually Jon and Damian the whole time. I was blinded by my thirst for Grandpa!Bruce Wayne but I was wrong... I liked my version better, tbh (@artemisa97)

fair enough. but i'd honestly like to see damian and jon getting together, just because it's a really fun dynamic and their friendship was really cute when they were kids. (also idk maybe it would be nice to have one (1) main batfam/superfam character that's not cishet)

How am i JUST finding your blog skdskfkd you're so fucking funny and ur takes are hot

i thought u were calling me hot :( but youre not :( crime detected (but lmao thanks)

So I have depression and I swear that your memes are one of the few things that have made me laugh so thank you 💛🥺 (@katekanebadass)

aw you're welcome, and i hope you're doing okay!

The metropolis memes are so funny, I love them 💀😌

i think metropolis is also so fucking funny it deserves more attention imagine having your entire police force being upstaged by an alien from kansas and his kids

as an american i feel your complete lack of knowledge of us geography is just so sexy (platonic) ❤️

thanks so much (i also don't know any other geography, i'm not kidding, like you can tell me you're from hungary and it will just blank, there will be nothing that comes to mind)

In the DC universe they don't say "Can't have shit in Detroit" they say "Can't have shit in Gotham"

this just reminds me of that guy whose porch got stolen like the steps to his door, and i'm thinking of people living in gotham and waking up without a front door and going "can't have shit in gotham"

honestly all i know about chicago is the bean, so. what would gotham's famous sculpture be?

gigantic gargoyle statue in front of one of the police precincts because a villain thought it was a smart way to keep the police inside, but it's too heavy to move.

why tf do people go on about how batman "works alone" or how he's the "lone wolf" when he like 38290202 members in his family

bc people think it's cool that a grown man in his 30s has no friends or family instead of calling it what it is (sad)

Bruce is gotham's sugar daddy

why would say something so controversial yet so brave.

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

dick: gerard way are you in position, gerard way are you in position

tim: for the last fucking time, my codename is 'totally not count olaf' this week, abbafan 3000

dick: shut up my codename isn't 'abbafan 3000'

dick: it's 'abbafan number 1' and you know it

I have a feeling Tim drake is ur favourite batfamily member but okay u don't have favs if u say so ok

i mean he is, i won't deny it. but i love each and every one of the batfam just the same, i just have a weak spot for short dumbass nerds, because i'm a short dumbass nerd.

Omg i fuckin love boy meets world too fam shsjkfk

bro boy meets world was the shit!!! it was just fire and awesome and so fucking great like bro. it was so good im not even going to be accepting criticism

you know I find the whole "joker completes batman" thing a bit disgusting considering the horrendous stuff the batfamily went through because of the joker and let's not get started on the "joker has a point" thing like yeah he's this cool complex villain but he's absolutely batshit crazy

like yes! i get what you mean the joker just fucking sucks man he doesn't do shit for batman's character or the batfam he's literally just annoying as fuck. like the joker has a point' shit is so stupid. i will accept 'magneto was right' because he fucking was and i think he didn't do anything wrong, but joker? he's just like that. he's not even cool and complex he's just a weirdo with a bleach kink at this point.

ALSO YOUR RACISM POST- SO TRUE BESTIE

thanks bestie, i'm glad you agree.

in today's essay of why I think cass should become batman- I was thinking Tim would probably be the most efficient batman in many ways but I also think he wouldn't want to be batman tbh none of the batfamily members would want to be batman because they're trying to outgrow him but cass is the one who wants to represent the symbol that is batman

absofuckinglutely i will say it again and again that cass represents the batsymbol more than anyone in the batfam, in batgirl (2000) she literally didn't care about anything else than bruce's oath to not kill, she thought the batsymbol was more important than anything in gotham. she's just an excellent character because her motivation to not kill is not 'i'm scared i can't come back from it' or 'well my dad says no murder so i'll go along with it' but that she's killed somebody as a young child and she never wants to kill a human ever again and that's so fucking beautiful for a new batman like yes.

need more cass, duke and tim inclusion in gothamite memes

yes yes, a tall order of cass, duke and tim coming up in 1-14 business days

oldest to youngest batfam members cus I'm confused as shit

okay order of being taken in: dick, jason, tim, cass, damian, duke order of age: alfred, bruce, dick, cass, jason, tim, duke, damian (though cass and jason are around the same age general consensus is that cass is a little older)

I'm so confused Steph is a redhead?? like how was it that hard to get this right? the source material is literally right there and free

cw is jared, 19

do you receive anon hate? if so, how do you deal with it

uh no, i'm not remotely popular enough to get anon hate and i also don't say a lot of things that would attract anon hate, but i do send anon hate to @the-real-peter-parker because he forgot about the specialists from winx club

Wait how many languages do you speak??

uhh- 5 if you include latin, but that's a dead language and i'm really bad at it. but english, my native language, german, and french also, tho german and french not fluently.

You can mix aguaepanela with aguardiente 😈 and is tasty

okay but now i'm curious if the liquor deserves the 😈 emoji or if that's a you problem. but i googled it and it looks like something you'd take one sip of and then not remember the rest of your evening.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

if you have a question about aussie slang, for a fic or whatevs, please just ask i don't know all of it, but we do have some fun words and sayings that are day to day statements

esp. the more rural you go

not everyone has the full accent though, because you do get a lot of pressure at work to come across... professional or whatever.

the only one i've never been sure of being an Actual Phrase, or if it Became A Phrase after popularisation on a tv show, is "Stone the Flaming Crows" bc a dude from Neighbours used to say it frequently.

examples of day to day stuff i can think of right now

mad as a frog in a sock (angry about something, went off, off the shits)

mad as a cut snake (usually means 'they're nuts', but can also mean they exploded with anger, usually contextual)

she'll be right (it's fine - can be a flippant statement, can be reassurance, etc)

drongo / galah - (idiot, not very smart, wanker, etc)

dunny = toilet

thunderbox/outhouse / long-drop - usually outdoor toilet

dry as a nun's nasty / dry as a dead dingo's donger (I am thirsty, or It Is Hot AF/we need rain so bad)

chuck a u-ey (do a u-turn)

Oi! (Hey I want your attention/i was surprised, general exclamation, stop that, you are in a lot of fucking trouble mate - depends on the tone of voice and volume) like "OI!" says aunty ruth has just found her dentures in jello and she knows you did it, etc

Bugger off (go away, or sometimes a statement of disbelief)

Yeah nah /Nah yeah (can mean yes, no or maybe depending on what was said directly before the statement)

you cant pull the wool over my eyes - you can't lie to me like that / i can see you are not telling the truth

shut your gob / put a sock in it / put a cork in it - (shut up / shut the FUCK up / close your mouth or i will shut it for you) depends on tone

Ya wally (you idiot)

Roo = kangaroo

o = can be affixed to anything to shorten it at the servo - gone to the service station, arvo - afternoon, smoko - morning tea, bottlo - where the grog is

goon/goonsack - wine in a box

grog - alcohol

stubbie - beer, ususally

boardies - board shorts

rashie - swimming shirt,

slip, slop, slap - ancient proverb for avoiding sunburn. singing pelican.

thongs - footwear

sheila = female / woman, don't hear this a lot at the moment tbh except in certain contexts or from specific people

'Getting rowdy' = things are heating up, people are riled up, a fight is about to/has just broken out, etc.

DJ's like a mad cunt = one very specific meme about a bad PM we had like 10 years ago. i can't tell you how many PM's ago, it's been game of thrones here lmao

Beyond the black stump / Out whoop-whoop / references to timbuktu (quite a distance away)

strewth!/crickey!/bloody hell - (exclamation of surprise, expletive replacement, etc)

flat out like a lizard drinking (tired / drunk / exhausted / sleeping)

pull a harry holt - (I've heard a dozens variations of this one, it means Go Missing / Disappear, often used as a joke. PM Holt went swimming one day and disappeared)

have a stickybeak (to poke your nose in/investigate/look around)

chuck a wobbly/throw a tanty/chuck a tanty/throw a wobbly (throw a tantrum, i have legit never seen anyone successfully deescalate a situation by telling someone not to chuck a wobbly or throw a tanty, go figure lmao)

bogan - (very specific kind of low-income, generally white, people. sort of like rednecks, but with more stereotypical aussie features like a mullet, singlet tops, sunnies, stubbies, etc. tend to fall under the liberal party ideology - who are our republicans... )

ankle-biters / rugrats / little takkers / gremlins / nippers - (kids, usually the littler ones)

tiff - argument, small fight (had a tiff, had a row)

pav = pavlova

piss/whizz/take a piss = going to pee

vegemite - delicious

Kiwi = New Zealander

Banana benders - the disrespectful bs that apparently other states call anyone living in Queensland, the wankers

station - farming areas that have sheep or livestock usually, have farmhands etc.

dole bludger(s) - (anyone on Centrelink, whether they want to be or not, with no other employment. but like, a lot of people on centrelink have a job that does not cover enough and need additional financial supports to meet a minimum wage, or are students or apprentices, etc. there are people who go on centrelink on and off to avoid engaging in the jobseeking stuff, they are the real dole bludgers, but a lot of richer people tend to call anyone on 'welfare' bludgers)

don't you come the raw prawn with me - (do not lie to me / don't try that shit with me, mate / I wasn't born yesterday /etc)

dak/dack - to dack someone is to come up behind them and yank their pants down (or skirts). Often taking out your boxers, too.)

budgie smugglers - (speedoes, male swimwear)

togs/toggs or cozzie (swimwear, any kind. cozzie = costume)

mozzie - (mosquito)

better than a kick up the backside /better than a kick in the arse - (pretty self explanatory, one of those phrases parents use to get slightly hurt kids to start laughing and/or coworkers to commisserate about new work rules, etc)

I wouldn't piss on (name) if they were on fire - (self-explanatory, you hate them, or they're a useless tit or an insufferable person /a suckup etc, and you would gladly hand them a match)

one for the road = getting a drink for the road, usually. can also make a joke of it like, "one last piss for the road" = I'm going to the bathroom before I leave

here's your handbag, what's your hurry - probs not an aussie phrase but a common joke in my family

----------------

So like, there's some words and items from Australian Indigenous culture that often get used wrong in stereotypical characters, like saying 'gone walkabout', using 'cooee', making digeridoo jokes, and making some really uncomfy 'savages' statements can be very disrespectful. You might want to go looking into Australia's fucked up policies and historical (and only recent) situations before starting any arguments about this stuff... in many ways it mirrors the cruelty of american colonisers to native american peoples, etc.

Avoid some phrases. Your character gone to cool their head? He's gone off on to soak his head, or he's on his bike (gone away) but he'll be back... You can use 'Oi, dickhead!'

Please don't mock the names of towns or places, they are often the names from the traditional custodians and inhabitants.

-----------------

Random things:

We drive on the left side of the road, driver's side reversed.

More of our cars are automatic than manual. Utes aren't atypical, but bigger vehicles are out in rural areas because more than a few of the rural roads are poorly maintained or dirt, with potholes that yoyo your soul into your body.

If you have a character on a long drive on a non-highway, or rural road: +if you are on a one-lane road and someone is comingthe other way, you both move half-on, half-off; for big vehicles or trucks, you can choose to pull off completely and stop. Just for safety, esp. in rain, fog, mist or late at night. +at one-lane bridges, you have a give way sign on one side. if you want your characters to have a moment of 'pause to look at each other while driving' or 'a quiet moment of reflection', have them wait for another car or truck to pass from the other side. These can be a few metres long, to like, a really long bridge. +They may pass markers that say 'flood level marker' with numbers of 2, 3 or 5 metres. Could be useful to remark on if your fic needs a reason for them to have a crisis. +Bushfire warning signs (from Low to Catastrophic) are frequent +Animal Crossing signs are very frequent, and often have a wildlife rescue number on them +Water restriction signs are in most small towns, they range from levels 1 to 6. This can change what the characters are allowed to do with water in little towns, etc. +You may occasionally find a small servo and one or two houses. +pubs don't open/won't serve alcohol until after 10am. the joke has always been, 'beer on your cornflakes' but you will never be able to actually get that unless you preplanned the night before in your hotel room. +Around dawn and dusk, a lot of animals like hares, kangaroos, wallabies, sometimes echidnas and koalas and little numbat things, and snakes and bushmice will be close to the road. Sometimes dashing across. They do not react logically to cars approaching, and will leap out at random. Hares do this zigzag nonsense. If you need the character to hit the brakes frantically, or swerve, this is a good reason. If you are ever driving here and see an animal on the side of the road, flip lights to low beam, slow down and watch to see how they react. If you can. If there's a truck blaring down on you, you may not be able to.

+Emus are in more rural areas. Echidnas sometimes appear on fringes of towns though.

+Kookaburras are a lovely creature, I have rescued a few and they are nice... but their laugh is very grating when it goes off super early in the morning. They eat snakes (good) and baby birds (not so good).

+Lots of snakes round here. LOTS. Carpet Snakes are pretty common, red-belly black snakes, eastern brown (big danger!!!), whip snakes have declined in my region, keelback snakes, this one black and white banded one we found deceased, etc. Snakes can climb, snakes can SWIM. Putting something that stinks around a campsite MAY help, but not always.

+Never go swimming in a dam you don't own, and that hasn't been checked, and if no one knows where you are. How deep is it? What's on the bottom? How stirred is the water? etc.

+Kangaroos CAN drown you. They have perfected this attack, and will do it to humans, dogs and other pursuers alike. They can also eviscerate you with their hind paws or shatter your ribs with a kick. The 'boxing' they do is exceptionally violent. This seems to surprise people, but like, giraffes can kill each other by slamming their heads into each other, you think a 7 ft swole motherfucking cryptid can't do harm? They can be lovely tho, if they trust you. But DO NOT GO PETTING WILDLIFE.

+Dropbears, austrilanicus vericanthus bitus, are real. We do make jokes about them, but they are a Problem. The pee on yourself thing won't ward them off, that's more about working out which tourists are the most gullible (and if they run with it, the moistest) lmao. Akubras and other thicker-layered headwear,

+We have wild dogs and feral pigs. Do not fuck with the feral pigs, some are HUGE, and no... they're not just pigs who escaped farms, these are MASSIVE motherfuckers who will Get You if they See You. Rustling in the night outside the tent? Good Luck.

+Koalas should not be picked up directly. They have claws, and a lot of them have chamydia. I mean if a character saves one in a fic that's fine I guess, but like... someone's getting antibiotics after that lmao. They are bigger than you think, dumber than you think, and sometimes they have to be chased across a highway with a windscreen cover bc they're not very bright and keep failing to climb metal fences, lmaoooo

+Towns of about 20-30k will have more shops (some franchise, some local owned), servos, fast food places and usually at least two to three shopping centres. Usually small level entertainments like a cinema, or local groups. +Towns with 10-20k, may have one or two major shopping centres, servos (tracks and RVs catered to), possibly a maccas, and the majority of stores will be local-owned. May have a cinema, but not one that has the newest releases. Local council may have more festivals, or 'that one thing they're known for'. +0-10k towns have a small local store, prices usually a bit higher. A servo, often with capacity for trucks. Local festivals. Characters can cop a bit of side-eye in these places, esp. if they don't fit the traditional ideas or are loud/violently american. +Grey nomads are a thing. Old people with fancy caravans who drive So Slow, and move all around aus. Several refused to stop during covid and it was like, WHO DO YOU THNK WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP ALIVE BY STOPPING YOU MOVING THROUGH MULTIPLE TOWNS???

+Some rural areas have legit red dirt, its always super cool to look at. Some places have light brown to dark brown, some have more chalky colours or yellowish dirt. Depends.

+Reminder: Australia has very specific gun laws, if your character/s have weapons then they may need to be sneaky or store them specifically in the vehicle. Although if you're talking about like, mad max type rules, then who cares. But if you have them get into a gun fight in a town, the police will come, etc.

Dunno, just ask if you have a question... just trying to think of random things to paint a picture if you have a character over here for a roadtrip or mission or whatever.

[couldyouspeakmyname]

now I'm curious, and would like a match up. if it's no trouble. I've read all of beastars. I'm a tall, queer agender person with a kind of. low effort punk/vulture culture style. I pride myself in being funny, and think of it as my best trait. I struggle to take myself and my problems seriously, tho. I love to write and draw, as well as read fantasy novels and watch horror movies. I also struggle with anxiety and violent tendencies. totally optional, but curious what animal you'd assign me too

I can do that! Sorry for the wait!

-Maeve

Animal I’d Assign you

Hyena. From an artistic standpoint I’d think it’d really fit your vibe. Hyena’s are also very smart. Specifically, the striped hyena. They’re actually decently social, but do tend to stick to smaller groups. 

Match Up

(Since you didn’t put if what gender, if any, you’re interested in I out a mix of both for you!)

Free

Free would really like that you’re funny, and dig your aesthetic. As someone with violent tendencies himself, he’s probably liable to help you focus those urges to something productive (like beating the shit out of the Madaragumi). The fact you don’t take yourself too seriously is something he also really enjoys.

He doesn’t really understand your creative outlets, but he does enjoy watching you create. Why are you using that color? He may just watch you draw, if you’re okay with it. 

He will be a big baby during horror movies though.

He’s the kind of guy who loves you for you, and wont expect you to change for anyone but yourself. You don’t have to change who you are for Free, he likes you just the way you are. If you do want to make a change, he’s going to be your biggest cheerleader. 

Sheila

Sheila is pretty easy going, but she can be intense. Once she puts her mind into work mode, there’s very little that can distract her. She loves a good sense of humor, since she does take most things pretty seriously, and she tends to overthink. Having someone who breaks her out of that line of thinking can be helpful 

Sheila low key has some social anxiety, and while she has a hard time dealing with it herself, she does take the steps to help overcome it. She’s more than happy to support you through any problems you may have. Despite her own anxiety, she’s a pretty solid and supportive. Sheila is also decent at reading body language, and would take you out of situations you may find uncomfortable. 

Sheila loves the arts, and while she can only draw stick figures, she can dance. Since you often have the urge to be violent, she may teach you, just to get some of that energy out. It’s hard to be angry when you’re physically exhausted. 

Louis

Now this may be kind of confusing-, but hear me out!

Louis takes life very seriously. He’s a stick in the mud with a stick up his ass. 

He’d actually be your opposite in a lot of ways, which is not always a bad thing. 

While you have a sense of humor, Louis doesn’t. At least not publicly, but you ay catch a half smile when you joke around. Having you around would help Louis grow, and learn that not every second of every day has to be some elaborate chess game, and yes, sometimes it is good just to sit down an watch a bad movie. 

Louis is also very aware of your anxiety issues, and probably knew about them the moment he saw you. He’d be good at compartmentalizing your anxiety trigger, and finding a way to fix it. If it’s just anxiety because of life with no source? He’ll just sit silently with you so you don’t have to be alone.

As far as your violent tendencies, that may work in his favor. He’d help you figure out when is, and is not, a good time to bring them to the surface. 

Louis will read everything you write, and you’ll probably make a fantasy fan out of him,  even if he doesn’t want to admit it. 

Gouhin

Gouhin is also someone who takes life very seriously. He gave up a lot to do what he does, and sometimes he forgets he needs to live a little too. 

Having someone who can make him laugh is actually really attractive for Gouhin. 

While he’s a therapist, he wont try and psychoanalyze you. He knows that if you want help, you’re going to ask. He’s very liable to ask when you’re upset

“Is this a talk and listen or a problem solving conversation?” It’s not meant to come off cold, but he needs to know which you want so he can support you accordingly.

Probably makes fun of a lot of the horror movies you watch, but uses them as an excuse to take a break from his work. He will also put any artwork you give him in a frame and put it in his office. 

As far as your violent feelings, he’d be a good partner to help you out. He’d be able to help you find the source of the issue, and help you find healthy ways to manage them. 

He likes that your hobbies are ones you can do in the room with him while he writes up his charts, and not ones that would drive him crazy. Even if you’re not talking, he just likes enjoying your company.

My ship ranking

Free<Sheila<Louis<Gouhin

[artificialqueens]

Love me tender - Part Three (Shalaska/Pearlet), by Lavish

A/N: Look at me submitting a chapter less than a month after the one prior! Here in Brazil it’s still October 1st, which means Halloween season is officially open. It seemed only right to submit Shalaska today. In this we have a glimpse of domestic life with Violet and Matt, beers with Sharon, Alaska letting her guard down, and something unexpected at the end. As always, thank you to those who have been following this fic, who have left feedback here and on my ask box, I love you tons. Xo, Lavish. 

“Vi, come on! It’s about to start!”

Matt’s strong voice echoed throughout the small apartment, making Violet roll her eyes, slightly annoyed, but also smile nevertheless. She had no idea when it became a thing to watch old seasons of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo with Matt, but it was now a sacred ritual for their Saturdays. Violet hurried to pour the contents of two bags of Doritos into a bowl before the opening song ended.

She handed the snacks to her boyfriend before plopping down on the air mattress they used as a couch (and bed, and often times a very convenient eating surface).

“I can’t believe you hit play before I was done picking food to feed your ass and your baby. I hope you are aware this is treason, and for that, you will be punished.”

Violet liked to complain. Simple as that – when she made snarky comments, she would usually be treated better after. It always happened, and that, as well as her true faith in aliens, were universal truths to the young teen.

“Fucking yes I did! And may I remind you it took ages, AGES, for you to simply figure out that you wanted Doritos after I browsed Uber Eats for like 20 minutes? No wonder you have HUGE swollen feet, that’s probably where all your ego went!”

Her boyfriend was the clear exception to the rule. Violet burst into laughter, holding her ever-growing belly, but attempting to swat her hand on his arm for the nerve he had. She pulled Matt’s face and planted a kiss on his nose, feeling his toothy grin graze over her own lips, making his stubble tickle her palm.

“Did you listen, Melon? That’s how your dad talks to your mom. Hopefully you’ll be less of a monster, kid.” Violet stared at her belly, as if she were waiting for an answer, and sighing in frustration when she wasn’t rewarded with any.

Since her third month, after most of her morning sickness had passed and Violet had made peace with the idea that she would get as big (or maybe even bigger, god forbid) as the entire European continent, she had grown very fond of talking to her belly. She’d read somewhere that it was healthy and soothing for the baby to hear their parent’s voice, so she opted not to risk the sanity of the baby and to address it whenever possible. Everyone did it: Violet, Sharon, even Violet’s mom and the lady who drove the bus she usually took to the hospital (Sheila was her name and Violet thought she was lovely, despite her daring habit of consuming approximately 4 donuts during the 10-minute journey). Again, Matt was the only exception. He never talked to Mellon, which was, evidently, a great disappointment. Violet figured it may be painful for him, but she still desperately wanted him to. 

She would never admit it out loud, but sometimes Violet fantasized about having a family with Matt. Having a house with three bedrooms, an ugly minivan, buying her baby clothes and toys, all sorts of mommy duty. She had even made a pact with herself: if she were ever to keep the baby, she would even keep a homelife blog, sharing the experiences of Melon the First. She craved it deeply, Violet was confident that she would be a good mom. Not the best, not a great mom, but an okay mom. And that was precisely the issue: her kid deserved much more than just okay. Her baby wouldn’t sleep on an air mattress. Violet wouldn’t drive a minivan because they were the epitome of ugly and tackiness, and extremely slow for her liking. She looked at Matt, her beloved Matt, wondering how he’d be like as a dad. She was so entertained it took Violet a second to realize he was expecting an answer to a question she hadn’t heard.

“Sorry, I totally spaced out. What did you say, babe?”

“I said I can make you some guac if you’d like, to go with that.” He pointed to the orange snack. “Hopefully it will save me from torture due to the treason of the crown.”

Again, he made her laugh out loud until her entire body was shaking. “No babe, it’s fine. You are forgiven. Let’s just see if Anna will marry that Michael guy.”

“You already know she did, tho.”

“Way to spoil the episode, you dork!” Violet faked rage, and tossed herself baby-bump-first over the giggling body of her boyfriend. In no time, they were having a tickling battle, both too invested in each other to notice the drama happening on-screen.

And maybe it was the comfort of the air mattress hugging their tangled figures due to the weight, or maybe the way Matt’s curtains hardly filtered any of the sunlight streaming through the window, but suddenly Matthew’s apartment felt to Violet like a home for their little family. ********** The warm breeze of August swept Alaska’s golden locks over her shoulder, and the edges tingled her sensitive skin. She stared at the empty seat in front of her, as though if she fixated on it long enough, Sharon would materialize. Alaska was fairly early, but she still checked her phone every two minutes to know if 15:00 would arrive any sooner. The last time she looked, her stubborn clock showed a disappointing 14:23.

Lunch with Cory was nice and familiar. Alaska missed him constantly, and despite living in the same city, LA was huge. The chances they would run into each other only decreased day by day, and still their connection was as undeniable as ever. Cory was 3 years younger and about 20 times more reckless than Alaska, but they always got along well – at least, after the karate patches incidents was forgotten. He balanced her seriousness and she lent him the responsibility he often lacked, which provided tons of laughter, some rumors about Cory possibly using heroin, and all of Alaska’s drunk dialing episodes on her first years of dating. Together, they could (respectably) paint the town.

A glimpse of what looked like jet-black hair appeared on Alaska’s line of vision through the window, and her head shot up, trying to find out if it were Sharon. A lean, tall brunette was closing the door of a red pickup truck, double checking the doors before turning around. The distinctive cleft chin and her piercing blue eyes made it undeniably clear it was none other than Sharon, waving discreetly at Alaska before making a beeline to Alaska’s table.

As she approached, the blonde checked her phone once again. 14:27.

“Well, you’re early!” Alaska broke the silence as the other woman arrived at her table, a smile easily spreading across her face. She double checked her outfit, making sure her rosy blouse was in place, and adjusted the bow on the neckline. The white skirt she wore was hidden under the table, but Alaska still straightened it reassuringly.

“Yeah, I was actually hoping to arrive early and calm my nerves before you got here, not gonna lie, but I’m not disappointed at all. You look drop dead gorgeous.”

Alaska watched in awe and chuckled lightly at the emphasis she gave on “dead”. She studied Sharon, contemplating her ensemble. From the styled (yet effortless looking) curls to her dark eyeshadow and the low-neck black dress, it made sense. It only seemed right that Sharon was that sort of grown-up punk kid.

It was an odd pair to look at, undoubtedly. But they made sense, in a way. The way Alaska’s dimples deepened when she smiled looked nice next to Sharon’s gapped front teeth, both giving a little humanity to the otherwise impossibly beautiful duo. Alaska’s breath was taken away. From the husky tone of Sharon’s voice to her milky skin and long fingers, she was amazing.

“Why, thank you! Same to you. Should we order something, or…?” Alaska trailed off, watching as the brunette’s eyes got lost on her face, studying her body language. She couldn’t help but smile, she felt good. It wasn’t invasive staring, it felt personal, intimate even. Alaska wished she would know what was going through Sharon’s mind in that moment.

If she could, she’d find out Sharon was admiring the way the afternoon sun bathed the pale skin of her chest, making the pink shirt draped over the other woman gave her an ethereal look. She’d find Sharon was curious about a tiny scar on her glossed upper lip, wondering what the story behind it would tell about Alaska’s early life. But alas, Alaska wouldn’t know all that. Instead of telling, Sharon opted for a less embarrassing phrase.

“Do you think they’ll serve us a beer right now? I know it’s still afternoon but I’m dying for one.”

“Yeah, sure!” Alaska wasn’t used to early drinking, but then again, she wasn’t used to being spontaneous at all. She looked over her shoulder, catching the waiter’s attention, and placed their order. Turning to Sharon with an inquiring look, she asked: “Soooo, tell me about yourself, Miss Needles… Anything I should be aware of before I trust you with a newborn?”

“I don’t think so, no… Does having live bunnies for breakfast count?” She kept a straight face, but Alaska’s shocked expression cracked her up. The lawyer looked weirdly green, as if she was sick. “I’m just messing with you, gosh! You know what they say: when in doubt, freak them out. You should’ve seen your face tho, it was priceless!” She smacked the table in the midst of a fit of laughter, struggling to even get the words out, the blonde soon following. Sharon was weirdly comfortable being her truest, weirdest self and didn’t get self-conscious at all. She found she was, actually, in her element.

“Literally nobody says that. But despite being close to Satan’s spawn, what else is there to you?” Alaska dove deep into Sharon’s eyes, almost believing that, if she searched long enough, she would peel off every one of the lairs built around Sharon’s impressive personality. She seemed so much more comfortable than she did in the hospital, speaking and gesturing freely.

“Well, I was born in Newton, Iowa. It’s a nice town to grow up until about 15, then it’s just too small of a town. My first teen years were terrible, I felt eyes on me all the time – and trust me, it ain’t nice at all.” She paused, getting a little more serious, and instantly reaching for Alaska’s hand over the table. Just like last time, there was no need for requests or even a flick of the eyes. It was natural. She took it and smiled, encouraging the other to continue. “I moved to Pennsylvania a few years later, then moved again down here. I attended Nursing school back in Penn, and those were the best years of my life. I love my job. I bet looking at me no one would ever guess what I do for a living, but it’s such a personal matter to me. I chose to nurse because there was… I don’t even know how to put it, some sort of emptiness, I guess, inside of me. My loneliness had hit a new level right after I got my diploma, as I’d left family back in Newton, so I clung to the first job I got. It really was fantastic how much it fulfilled me, and now… I guess I’m just ready to welcome a new life into my own. I smoke tho. I hope it’s not a deal breaker.”

Alaska was speechless. Sometime during Sharon’s monologue their waiter had placed two frozen pilsner glasses on their table, filled to the brim with bubbling beer. Without breaking their hand holding, both reached for their drinks. There was a clear syntony between the two, and it made grins split both their faces.

“Should we toast to this?” Alaska said, before taking her first sip. Seeing Sharon eagerly agree, shaking her head up and down, she continued, inclining her glass to meet the brunette’s. “To a very good start to whatever it is will happen between us four. May whatever decision Violet and Matt make the best one for all.”

“And to Melon, may he or she be as alcohol driven as any of their parents – and yes, I’m referencing underage drinking. Sorry ‘bout it.” Sharon completed, a sassy finger wiggling around.

The cold beverage tasted surprisingly good to Alaska, and she smiled languidly. It was so easy to be around Sharon, and all of her personal problems, from Tom to driving to the suburbs and all of the cases piling on her desk seemed so far, as if they weren’t her own.

“Damn Lask, this is too fancy. I usually have mine straight from the can.”

“I usually don’t have any at all! Look at us, having different experiences and fancy-ing it up for our date.” Alaska’s words only made their way to her brain when she registered what she’d said. “I meant meeting. Fuck.”

Sharon waved her hand, telling her off, both of them surrendering to contagious laughter. Alaska’s face still showed flushed, but her smile was genuine.

“Honest mistake. I don’t dress this nice for meetings.” She sighed and took another sip. “ Your turn Lasky, what’s the story here?”

“Well…” She elongated the word, trying to decide where to start. “I’m from Pennsylvania actually, from Erie. I have two brothers and one sister, we’re pretty close. Cory lives here, he’s the one who had lunch with me here earlier. I went to Law School at the University of Pittsburgh, and after I graduated I wanted to have this huge Law Firm and “make a name for myself,” She drew quotation marks in the air, rolling her eyes. To her ears, young Alaska seemed naïve and silly. “So I came down here. Luckily the firm part totally worked, but I should’ve known the part of making a name was a goal shared by basically the entire American population, so not an easy one.”

“I see that in you, I could totally tell you’re an overachiever. It’s not bad, tho. It’s ok to dream big.”

Sharon winked and Alaska felt it again, the fluttering of butterflies in the bottom of her stomach, taking her breath and her speech. All she did was smile, finishing what was left of her beer.

“Well, I guess so. It just seems childish to me from where I stand. I guess at a you-” She was cut off by her own phone ringing. She had almost forgotten she had one, from how invested she had become in their talk. The lit up screen didn’t show any names, or clues, of who was the caller. She let it go to voicemail, resuming her sentence. “Sorry about that. Back to what I was saying, at a young age we want to conquer the world, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but as you grow up even those perspectives chan-“ 

Once again, her phone blared with an incoming call from an unknown number. 

"Do you mind if I take this? I promise it won’t be long." 

"Sure, take your time, Lasky.” Sharon smiled, and Alaska detected honesty in her eyes. She was more than surprised that this was going so well. "Hello, is this Misses Langster?“

Alaska frowned, taking a second to recognize her husband’s last name, which she had gladly taken, but never really used.

"Yes, this is she.” Still oblivious, she turned to Sharon, basking on the way her full lips stretched when she smiled. It was the most beautiful one she���d ever seen.

“I’m calling from the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. There’s been an accident.”

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Baskets (S02E06) Marthager Airdate: February 23, 2017 @fxnetworks Ratings: 0.460 Million :: 0.22 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** "Give me a minute, Sheila, I gotta go talk to another nut." I read a fellow reviewer talking about how 'Baskets' S1 was more emotional... I fervently disagree. It might have been funnier, maybe, but I don't even think I can give it that because S2 has just been out-fn'-standing. I've watched 'Marthager' twice now, the first time I watched alone & the second I watched while eating dinner with my partner, who subsequently literally burst into a laughing fit while eating and I ended up with chili all over me (which I think is a great euphemism for the series itself). I've done some serious cathartic emotional work through writing these reviews, S2 has been exceptionally testing. I might be laughing while watching Martha's deadpan delivery and these obscure, absurd characters live in a strangely familiar world doing familiar things in unfamiliar ways, but going back and deconstructing these episodes has helped me work through emotionally challenging & pivotal moments in my life. Saying that out loud sounds like it would be slightly unpleasant, but I love a good challenge... As I reviewed 'Fight' and drew parallels to Chip & Dale & the different points in my life I literally had tears rolling down my face, it was an intense episode and everything up to that moment had been building since the boys father's death. 'Marthager' is very different, but still very emotionally raw in its own way. Tonally, Baskets has been playing with alternate psychological and spiritual areas of growth. Chip has finally reached a point in his life where he's realized, 'this is it, I have to go for it'. For me, that moment has come in several forms over the course of my life and I've tried on many, many hats. Not until my late 20's, early 30's was I at the place in my life where I truly hit that moment, myself. I had a lot of dreams and aspirations, but I was holding myself back because I was so fucking angry that I was pushed into a narrow scope... I felt like my parents issues and insecurities stunted my spiritual growth and my professional growth as well, that they had taken out their issues with one another on me. For that and for other reasons, I was extremely self-destructive. Luckily I was always very charismatic and, unlike Chip, had people to hold it down for me in some way while I took 2 steps forward and then spiraled 38 steps back. Not until one of those people hit a massive roadblock did I decide that no matter what, I had to make a serious fucking go. I'm not talking about pipe dreams, I'm not talking about obtainable dreams... I'm talking about really starting to focus my passion in proving myself to everyone who had ever made a sacrifice for me in their lives, to show them and show myself that I was worth all the bullshit. Like I said last week, Chip may never be considered fully 'emotionally grown', but none of us as human beings can ever reach that pinnacle and it would be unfair to not acknowledge Chip's incredible growth as a human being himself. Starting where 'Fight' left off, Christine kicks out Chip & Dale and begins to renovate her house. They did some serious fucking damage, so it wasn't going to be a couple day thing. Christine heads off to stay with her mother, Esther, played by Ivy Jones. It's really good to see Christine get these important moments of closure and opportunities in her life. The stay with her mother may be covered in a tiny dog's urine but they share a touching moment when Esther gets a phone call from a friend who won some money at a casino and let's slip that Esther had already gossiped to her about Christine's 'carpet selling suitor' she met in 'Ronald Regan Library'. Christine is annoyed and embarrassed at first, a natural Christine Baskets type reaction to pretty much anything involving anything revealing or personal, but Esther shuts it down by having a moment that every mother and child should have in their adult life. Ironically I had mine with a third person who was sitting in the back of a car in a mall parking lot in Ft Lauderdale while my mother broke down why things played out the way they did, her regrets, and her grounded hopes and dreams she had for me in life. Christine had hers with a woman on speakerphone. Maybe it's easier for moms to get honest with a small audience. Who knows. Moms are secretly extremely complicated. Esther is worried that it has been 25 years since Christine's husband died and she hadn't even attempted to move on. If she had someone interested she needs to act. She proceeded to tell her about her regrets, waiting around for a man who she knew deep down was never going to change, he was a drunk and she constantly made excuses for him. She had put Christine and her siblings, as well as herself, in danger... She had stunted them and she wished she could change that. It might be too late for her, but it wasn't too late for Christine. She wasn't going to let Christine sit back and make excuses for not moving on, her children were grown men, and although they had a long way to go, they were going to be fine. It was time for Christine to do something for herself. Christine makes one last excuse... 'But he's all the way in Denver'... Her mother had an easy and absolutely perfect response, 'You mean to tell me you of all people don't have free miles?' Of course Christine Baskets had free miles saved up, this is a woman who shops at Costco religiously. Looks like Christine is going to Denver, baby. As Christine is having a long overdue moment with her mother and heading off to Mike High City, Chip is putting his life into motion. After getting kicked out and getting immediately stood up by his brother, Dale, to 'go to Hooters and get some soup', Chip heads back to the only place he knows. The place where he got his first shot of inspiration, the now defunct rodeo. After sleeping on it, it was off to the only other person in the world who gave a damn about him, Martha's house, where he elected her to be his clown manager. Chip was so ready to fucking go that he was willing to see if the clowns that were jumping out of woods and scaring children at night was a paid gig. Even tho absolutely none of this was Martha's idea, she took her duties as Chip's manger seriously... Unfortunately she sucked at it. It looked like the only jobs she could get him were ones she payed for his services herself, even hiring him to show up at a Costco function where he runs into the 'Friendly Fun Events' manager, Ginny (Karen Maruyama, who is absolutely perfect for this show). Obviously Martha had hired Chip herself and payed out of pocket because this was definitely Ginny's territory. She ends up offering him a job and firing Martha herself. Martha isn't going to go out like that, she tries to get him a job at her nephews birthday but Chip is already booked solid at a parade where she later runs into him by accident. When he hadn't answered her phone calls and ended up being a no-show she dressed up like a clown and tried to fill the role... To horrible results. This dynamic is where things get interesting with Martha & Chip, we've always known there was some sort of unspoken chemistry between the two, but Martha is a wallflower and Chip always aims way too high. Martha doesn't want to be Chips manager, she wants to be his friend (maybe more), and failing as his manager made her feel like a failure as a friend... And she had already fucked up bad by screwing his grating, competitive twin brother. I love that their showdown takes place at the parade she just happens upon. She gets out of the car, still in full on clown makeup and scares a young girl (who she refers to as 'lady') by telling her she isn't a clown, who immediately starts crying. That's when my partner spit the chili on me, so I figured I better work that in somehow. Now we've come full circle, this is the 'Almond Parade' gig and the quote I started the review with is Chip telling a woman named Sheila dressed up like an almond to hold on while he talks to Martha, 'who looks like a small child with lipstick issues'. Holy shit those zingers are so funny they make you forget that two people are sharing a very real & public, vulnerable moment. Martha is upset, she says she knows she wasn't the greatest manager but that she tried her best... She's going out on a limb here anyway, because really he steamrolled her into the manager position in the first place. This forces Chip to define their relationship, 'Look Martha, you're not a manager. You're more of a... Friend.' In the most perky tone that Martha is able to achieve in all her monotone glory she responds, 'Really?!' Chip tried to define it further but was constantly interrupted by an old car behind him in the parade with a 'bahooga' horn. He doesn't even finish, Martha is beaming, you know, in a very Martha way, 'Thanks Chip. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.' How do you respond to that? Chip gives it a go, 'Really? That's depressing'. Chip, ever the optimist.