#literally. just graduated high school. he is 28. i'm just.

[autumnrory]

one thing about me is even if i hated the book i just read i will still be defending the main character while all the goodreads reviewers go on about how whiny and selfish she is

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey there sex witch! This one might be a little bit out of your wheelhouse, but I don't really have anyone else to ask 😅 and this seems mostly relevant to what you talk about.

So recently I (a very shy person for a long time) have gotten pretty active in some fandom discord communities, and I've been making a ton of friends. Which is great because I used to have social anxiety to the point where I could barely talk to people, especially online. The problem is that my new friends are all VERY horny, all the time. Which, great for them, I don't really feel the same way. They're also very interested in ERP and other varieties of e-sex and often ask if I want to join. I really don't, but it's fine that they're into that. One guy in particular is really starting to freak me out though. He's a semi-popular creator and a mod on one of the servers. He's becoming a pretty good friend of mine and I play online games with him and others a bunch. He, like the rest of the crowd, is also very horny all the time. He often makes sexual comments about me, sometimes very graphic ones. Stuff like telling me to take my clothes off IRL while on call with him or saying stuff like "I want to fuck you until you cry" or just dming me asking if I want to have sex with him. Sometimes he notices that his comments make me uncomfortable and he did reach out to sincerely apologize for it once, but he hasn't changed his behavior a whole lot.

The big thing that worries me about him is the fact that he's 28. I'm 18, just graduated high school. He knows this about me. He does a very good job of keeping his server 18+ and would never make a sexual comment about a minor, but is still comfortable doing sexual things with people ten years younger than him. Another thing is that even though I've told him I already have a boyfriend, he assumes I'm in an open relationship even though I never told him I was. My boyfriend also says this guy kinda freaks him out and that he's a little worried about me.

I know that age gaps between older people can be perfectly healthy and problems arising from them vary pretty heavily from person to person, but I'm not entirely sure if this is ok or not. This guy doesn't want to hurt anyone. Have I probably just not properly expressed my boundaries with him? It's not like he's targeting me or anything, he acts this way with basically everyone. I'm torn on what to do, he's still my friend and I like him otherwise. Should I just keep laughing it off? I am uncomfortable but I guess it's not a huge deal to me. Should I stop talking to this guy?? Help??

🐟🐟 So I can find this quickly if/when you answer it

hi 🐟🐟,

this guy fucking sucks and needs to be banned from interacting with maybe anyone until he learns what "no" means. literally every individual thing you've described him doing would be alarming in it's own, but altogether this man is a walking collection of red flags. this is not your friend and this is not a guy who cares about your boundaries or well-being; this is a man using his fandom clout to sexually harass you (and likely others). him being ten years older than you isn't even really the biggest issue here; all of this would be shithead behavior even if you were exactly the same age.

get out of there, double fish.

[morganski-19]

I had a commenter disagree with me that Tommy is close to Abby in age, claiming that he was just now 40. I'm assuming they got this from the actor's age, but I think he is older than that, so I did some research because now I am curious.

I want to preface that I am not attacking anyone here, the ages confuse me too. And I'm not saying that Buck can't be with Tommy because of the age gap when that's literally not true. He's in his thirties and dating people a good bit older than him has not been a problem before.

I did some research, and here's what I found. Sources included, when necessary, to back me up.

Here's the Tommy timeline that is confirmed by the show.

2005 - Chimney Begins, he is no longer a probationary firefighter, so let's assume he's been there for one year now.

2004 - Tommy joins the 118, but wait, he needs training.

According to the LAFD website (and things could have changed since the early 2000s, I will be adding estimations into my final calculations), cadets need a year of training.

So, 2003 - Tommy joins the fire academy

Which was 21 years ago, and if Tommy is just now 40, that would make him 19 in 2003.

But he was an army pilot before this, so that makes no sense.

From googling and reading some articles and going on the actual army's website, these are the results that I have found that make the most sense. This is where I included most of the sources because it confused me the most.

He would have needed to go through basic training and a basic exam to get into flight school, but I have omitted those weeks as it would only be a few months of time, assuming he got into flight school immediately after passing. You also need a high school diploma or a GED to join the army, so I am going into this with the assumption that Tommy graduated high school at 18, and then went right into the army.

Flight school = 12-18 Months

Contracts before 2020 were for 6 years

So, Putting all of that information together, here is the final timeline, including some estimations since we don't know when his birthday is, or how long he was in each training, or literally anything else to point to how old this man is.

1995 - Tommy joins flight school (18/19)

1996-2002 - Tommy is in the army as a pilot (19/20-25/26)

2003 - Tommy joins the Fire academy (26/27)

2004 - Tommy joins the 118 (27/28)

2005 - Canon timeline starts in Chimney begins (28/29)

2024 - Season 8 (47/48)

So it is safe to assume that Tommy is in his late 40s.

And given that Abby was 42 in season one, which was 7 years ago, she would be 49 now. Therefore, they are under 5 years apart.

[morgansdeb]

Seeing the One Piece fanbase hyping up this 24-year-old white girl to play Robin because they're allergic to older and non-white women is so annoying to me (they're also allergic to fat women)*. The fact that she's super young when Robin is supposed to be visibly older and more mature than the East Blue Five, makes her an immediate NO for me. These weirdos will see a super young girl with black bangs and scream "Robin-chan~~!!!" because they can't consume media without their dicks in their hands. I mean, 19k likes? Seriously?

Iñaki Godoy is 20. Mackenyu is 27. Taz Skylar and Jacob Gibson are 28. Emily Rudd is 31. The ideal thing would be for Robin to be 40 (or AT LEAST 32, and not look like she just graduated high school. She needs to look older than Emily Rudd and the rest of the cast).

I can only imagine the amount of racist vitriol Robin's actress will get if she ends up being a WOC. And let's not even start with the comments about the size of her breasts. Emily Rudd is the most conventionally attractive white girl you could think of, and I still see comments saying she wasn't "right" for Nami because her boobs aren't "big enough."

"But Oda said that if Robin were real, she'd be Russian!!11!" And he also said Luffy would be Brazilian (Iñaki is Mexican), Nami would be Swedish (Emily is American), Sanji would be French (Taz is Spanish/English), and with Usopp... all he did was write Africa, which isn't a country. So let's be serious for a bit. Those answers weren't literal.

Y'all love to talk about how the creepy things that he says on the SBS are "jokes" (remember when he sexually harassed a fan who asked him if she could be a Jump Editor, or when he said he fantasized about Rebecca's top falling during battle? Because I do), so why are these answers the one thing you choose to take seriously?

But this fandom being filled with racist, misogynistic, fatphobic incels isn't surprising considering how terrible Oda is. All these issues are connected and lead back to the source material. It's nearly impossible to have productive conversations about One Piece when everyone wants to blame all the bad on OPLA or Toei, as if the creator himself wasn't the one who opened the door for every single problem.

Some of you act as if someone kicked your dog whenever someone dares to suggest that Oda isn't the Super Progressive Writer™ the fandom has deluded themselves into thinking he is. I don't even understand where the denial comes from, considering his misogyny is so blatant and his association with sex offenders is public information. I understand loving One Piece, but you don't need to kiss Oda's ass, you know? He's not a good person.

Being critical of the media you consume and its creator isn't being a "hater". I can consume One Piece while disliking its many, many issues. I didn't sign a contract that says I have to like every single thing about it.

I'll be upset if Robin ends up being played by some 20-something white actress, but I'm already upset by the fandom's attitude. *Don't think I haven't noticed the obsession some folks have with monitoring Ilia Isorelýs Paulino's social media activity to check if she's losing weight to be "manga/anime accurate Alvida", as if Alvida magically becoming thin is this super important plot point that needs to be adapted. The source material and the fandom's treatment of fat women is another topic I could rant about for days.

[doctorjuvenile]

Things from WtA The Book of Hungry Names you should know pt. 2

pt. 1 here

I'm about to start my fourth playthrough lol

5. The coordinates Daphne sends you for investigating the Pattern Line are a real location in Northampton, Massachusetts.

> I’m willing to let you condescend to me if you’re willing to help me out CrestFolder180IQ Your terms are acceptable. CrestFolder180IQ Meet me at 42°25'50.3"N 72°40'49.3"W at 10:30 PM.

Right at the tip of this path. (sooo IRL Garou meetup when?)

6. By my best estimates, the game takes place over the course of 2022-2024.

Now, the game plays pretty loose with exact dates, and I'm sure the ambiguity is intended. What we know for sure though is that Book of Hungry Names takes place over two and a half years (from beginning to epilogue).

Nonetheless, because I'm obsessed, I'm basing my assumption off of some strong hints:

The game definitely takes place after the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, since Stormcat literally refers to it once you're in the second half of the game (foreshadowing the Jigsaw Plague chapter)

Will Northampton be ground zero for the next pandemic? Even I do not know.

2) Honestly, my biggest clue here are the years Melodie and Harmonie graduated high school (2016 and 2013 respectively), and the fact that she is 23 when you retrieve her from Ashfield.

Harmonie Palys graduated Berkshire Regional High School in 2013. Her sister, Melodie, graduated in 2016.

Melodie, who is twenty-three, angrily sips her Kir Pamplemousse.

Going off of the North American education system (where I myself graduated high school in 2014, and am presently around 27 years old), and assuming no skipped or repeated years, Melodie should be about 25 by the game's epilogue, which must take place in 2024. Harmonie would be 28 if she were still alive today.

Working backwards, that means it's 2022 in the first half of the game (where Melodie is stated to be 23). The timeline just works perfectly.

3) In the second half of the game, Nin will "talk your ear off about the new Blood Ceremony album." The album (The Old Ways Remain) dropped in 2023, thus further perfectly fitting in with the 2022-2024 timeline.

7. Speaking of guessing character's ages, I have a good idea of the rest of them...

Elton: I tried guessing Elton's age and he's anywhere from 24-26 over the course of the game to 29-31. My clues here are how you can find a picture of him and Katherine in a newspaper after arriving in Northampton early on and researching in the library. The photo states he's 19, and the photo itself is "maybe five to ten years old."

...the picture is labeled "Linus Harrowman, 46, Elton Dey, 19, and Katherine Aslanian, 20, have opposed the Broad Brook expansion, which would--" Then it turns into a more randomized babble. The photo is in color, the newspaper maybe five or ten years old.

Player Character: I am certain your character starts the game at 20 years old. The ID Daphne gives you shows your real age, which is below the legal drinking age in the U.S. (i.e. 21), but by the time a year passes in-game, you are now able to drink legally.

[Early game:] To your considerable irritation, the birthdate on the ID is the same year as your real birthday, which means you can't get into most bars. [Second half of game, one year later:] Armed with your Massachusetts State ID that finally says you're 21...

You, Podge, and Nin: Regardless, the whole pack drinks together in the epilogue at the last Hog Throne show, implying your entire pack is now at least 21 (legal American drinking age). So by this point, I think PC is 22, and Podge and Nin are legally 21, meaning they would be about 19 or 20 at the start of the game.

8. Intelligence isn't just tied to your book-smarts or occult knowledge, it also influences whether you can catch pop cultural/musical references.

I mean, my first two characters (galliard/December and theurge/October) had good-to-excellent INT (3-5pts), so the text described Elton's Mezzanine shirt, Highlander halloween costume, Podge being dressed up as the girl from the "Everyday Is Like Sunday" music video, Nin's Sophie Scholl hoodie, etc all by name or direct reference.

But I noticed with my third ahroun (January) character, whom I deliberately kept at 1 INT the entire game, that she didn't catch ANY of that -- the Mezzanine t-shirt is a "white t-shirt with a black insect scrawled across half its surface," she thinks Elton is dressed as the Scarlet Pimpernel, that Nin is maybe wearing a hoodie with her own face on it, etc. (You can get some pretty funny extra dialogue out of being so clueless.)

This makes sense when you consider that your Academics and Intelligence tutor in this game is a badass art teacher who used to be in the '90s demoscene.

[bluestarjay]

Guys ik I've made so many posts recently, but I'm sick and stayed home from school today, so it's not my fault I'm bored!! Anyways, so I have a hc Hinata really likes American music or just like English music in general. I said in a previous post that I think he'd be really interested in linguistics and languages in general, so to follow up with that, I could totally see him listening to American 1980s music in high-school, and being sad that he isn't able to understand it, cause he sucked at English in hs lmao. Like, I lowkey fw him listening to Goth music 👀👀 Hinata is the type of person who genuinely listens to ALL music types. My personal playlist? 29 and a half hours. It ranges from Taylor Swift to MCR, Gacha classics to Linkin Park, like name an artist, and there's probably at least one song of theirs on my playlist. Hinata is the same way!! He'd fs love Taylor Swift, even though she'd only have been up to Red by the time Haikyuu actually takes place. But tell me he wouldn't love The Cure or Tears For Fear!! Omg and even though he's literally a Japanese high schooler, and it wouldn't come out until after he'd graduated, ik he'd love the Hamilton soundtrack (bc be honest, who doesn't?? 🤨🤨) Lana? Yes. Samba music (an older genre of Brazilian music,, I actually started listening to it when I found out he'd gone to Brazil haha its soooo good 😩)? Obviously. Rap? YES. He would like Childish Gambino (I'm just projecting, sorry). HE WOULD LOVEEE THE LIVING TOMBSTONE FNAF SONGS. IK HE HAD THEM ALL MEMORIZED. I lowkey hc he can rap certain songs, and the fnaf one is one of them. OOOO AND I JUST KNOWWW HE WAS LISTENING TO PANIC! AT THE DISCO IN HIS FREE TIME 💀💀 Bitch he was listening to all the 2010s American club songs not having a clue what they were saying but then finding out years later once he knew English and laughing his ass off. He was out in his backyard playing some solo volleyball listening to Kesha to hype him up yk LMAO also he's had the same spotify playlist since high school, so even now when he's like 27-28 he's listening to all the shit he did when he was like 14-16 bc he's too lazy to make another playlist and everyone finds it appalling like ik Bokuto and Atsumu have playlists for working out, driving, sad, happy, everything, but Hinata just has the one 💀💀

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

A Guy

Dear Future Husband,

It's been several months since I've heard from CousinAR, who is freshly back from seminary and getting ready to start college, but on Thursday she messaged to say hey and also ask about my shidduch resume and what I'm looking for. And then she and her mom CousinES called me to discuss.

Because it's about a guy.

I'm pretty sure it's not you though, for quite a few reasons.

Reason #1:

I don't think our families would be compatible.

He's apparently from a yeshivish family with like ten kids, they all do impressive things for work, and they grew up in a very fancy place.

Me? Not so much. To pretty much all of the above.

I think I wouldn't fit in well at all with his siblings.

And I've been an oddball for so much of my life that if/when I get married I want it to be with a family that feels like family.

Or with someone who has literally nothing to do with their family so it's just the two of us in our own happy little bubble.

Either one.

Reason #2:

He has the exact same name as the father of the family that lived. next door to me pretty much my entire first 28 years of life.

MrNextDoor is a very nice, chashuv person. But he's also kind of overbearing and inserts himself into situations where he's not always welcome. I guess social cues are just not his forte.

I will admit that his pushiness has been a benefit on some occasions, as he's been able to accomplish some amazing things including setting up schools, getting neighborhood ordinances followed, and one of my non-frum grandparents actually got a proper burial because he not only insisted on coming to the levaya despite it being an hour away, but also brought proper shovels and stood there in the hot sun with my brother filling in the grave before the bobcat could come and finish the job.

But I'm a weirdo who just can not see past the name.

In a hypothetical situation where we dated and he actually liked me and I liked him and we ended up getting married, there would never be a day in my life where I couldn't say his name and not think of MrNextDoor and it makes me so uncomfortable to even think about.

It's just too ew for me, even if he is a nice guy.

(because I'm a mess of a human, obviously)

Reason #3:

He's 5 years younger than me.

And in case we haven't covered this ground yet, I'm an agist.

Whenever I hear about an age gap, my first thoughts go to what that time disparity represents.

For one thing, it means that I graduated high school the year he was bar mitzvahed. Which is weird.

For another, it means that he's still in his 20s and I'm so "middle aged" already. lol

And in a lot of ways he's still very young, while I'm just so decidedly not. Not physically, not emotionally.

And that also leads into

Reason #4:

He doesn't have a full time job yet.

He's bounced around a bit in terms of work, trying to find a community where he feels comfortable, and jobs have understandably come along with that kind of moving.

But that also means he's not a settled person. And he's young, he has that option in life. But I'm an old curmudgeon and although we may be compatible in a lot of ways, I need someone who is more settled than I am to be the rock in the relationship.

Reason #5:

He's studying to become a mashgiyach.

Not a yeshivah mashgiyach, but a food mashgiyach.

You may be wondering why that's a reason not to marry someone, and for some people, maybe even a lot of people, that's not a problem.

But I grew up in a household that was built on the instability of a family "supported" by a mashgiyach.

For the first 10 years of my life my father was hardly ever around. He worked odd, long hours out of town and constantly hopped from job to job.

I don't know if things are different now, but at the time mashgiyach work was more like gig work than it was a real job.

In those first 10 years my father worked at 17 different places, but the last two years he was at one location, so it was more like 16 jobs in 8 years.

That's not stability.

And I know we're in galus.

I know we're not supposed to be comfortable.

I know that just because someone has a steady job now doesn't mean they will tomorrow.

And I know that everything is in Hashem's hands.

But I also know that you have to do hishtadlus.

And if you're doing the work of a shoeshine man on the side of a road where nobody walks, you're not going to become a millionaire through your work.

Unless you're a gadol. I'm sure we've all heard those stories.

But for the beinoni - for those of us in the middle, we have to at least attempt steady, stable work at a certain pay grade for Hashem to provide that kind of sustenance.

And I don't see that happening for me with a mashgiyach.

Considering how much the average cost of living is today in the US, generally. And considering how much higher the average cost of living is today in the frum world... I don't see the paycheck of a mashgiyach cutting it to provide for a family, with or without whatever I'm making to contribute.

Reason #6:

I just don't know how to broach the whole "I don't think I can have kids" thing with my cousins.

On the one hand, I don't want to put a stumbling block before the blind by going out and forming relationships with young guys who believe that's a possibility with me.

On the other hand, I know that everything is in Hashem's hands and I know a woman who was told she'd never have kids and went on to have like 15, so just because I think I might not be able to doesn't mean I won't at all.

But having children is his chiyuv, not mine. It should be his decision whether or not to pursue a relationship like that.

So do I not tell CousinAR and her mom, the two people in this equation that I know and trust, about the whole kids thing?

Does even talking about it make it an ayin hara and less likely to happen for me?

Do I keep allowing CousinAR and her mom to make shidduch suggestions for me, all the while keeping this huge secret and finding reason after reason to shut down their suggestions?

Reason #7:

I don't really find him all that attractive.

I know, I know, it's the whole shallow conversation all over again, but it's true.

And again, that's such a hard thing to say to someone who is so excited to make the suggestion in the first place.

"He's so nice! And I was listening to what he was looking for and I just kept thinking you fit all those boxes!"

I've explained that even if I don't think I'm the right person, I'm more than happy to chat with someone even once to see if maybe I know someone else for them.

But

Reason #8:

I'm still a mess of a human. I think we know this. It's been established. We continue to go over this again and again.

And it's sweet that my cousins don't recognize that about me.

But that also means I'm hiding it really well. Which is a problem.

But I think we've covered all of that before...

And so, here we are again.

A nice suggestion, but me lost in the middle just so unsure of how to say "thank you, but no thank you."

I can't be the only one that struggles with this, right?

-LivelyHeart

[dots3a]

Thursday I had a really bad meltdown because my rapist was at my house for legal things to do with the divorce and I literally went out of town so I would not have to see him and when I got back he was in my driveway. I had to go to the pharmacy to pee and wait for him to leave and because I have PTSD, I was very triggered and panicked and began to have an autistic meltdown.

I didn't want to reach out to my husband because he was at the house with the rapist. I reached out to my oldest friend and in my spiral panic I asked her why no one has shown up for me since my life imploded and she said that "that's the way everyone without a therapist feels."

No, it's not. I don't have a family. I have no mom, no dad, no siblings, no cousins, no friends from high school, no friends from college, my abuser completely isolated me. I grew up in horrific abuse. I was born with a congenital deformity which has caused me lifelong pain and no one believed me when I said I was in pain so it didn't get diagnosed until I was 28.

At the time I just. Let it go. Stopped really engaging. My meltdown was the worst I've had in a very long time and I've been having really bad meltdowns a lot during the process of my rapist taking half custody of my kids and trying to sell the house I'm living in, the only home I've ever known, the longest place I've ever lived because I'm 36 and I've moved 30 times, because almost every year my parents moved us and sometimes twice a year and hey when o graduated high school, I was 17 and alone in a house my parents stopped paying the mortgage for when they moved out of state without me.

But yeah. This is how everyone feels who doesn't have a therapist.

I'm so tired of having to minimize what my suffering is like because other people have suffered as well. My friend's childhood had bad parts. She was in the hospital a lot and her mom moved her to a different elementary school because she was struggling to make friends. The thing is, she was surrounded by people in worse circumstances than her but she seems to think we are all the same as her. I loved her through it. As a child with an undiagnosed physical pain causing deformity and undiagnosed autism, I was there for her as she got help whenever she needed it and her mom believed her and made doctors actually do something for her.

I took time to calm down and then Friday, the day after the meltdown I reached out to her to let her know I am going to take a step back to process feelings about our relationship that came up yesterday. She says i can "take the time i need" but she "is confused and doesn't understand." And that's... Why.

I don't understand why everyone I've been friends with and most people I've dated don't. Actually. Like. Me. But they insist that they do. And then I tie my stomach into knots trying to figure out why I don't feel loved. It's because I wasn't loved.

I don't have to keep that in my life. I'm allowed to not like the way I've been treated. I'm allowed to say it was and is wrong. I'm allowed to give myself permission for space. I always deserved better.

[seungstarss]

RECALL 𐀔 28 MEMORY TWO: THE RECORD

wc: 2.2 k+

⸻ [ 章 28 ] 。 ❛❛ curiosity killed the cat ❜❜

There was a thin line between being "best friends" and being lovers.

Friends didn't feel the rush of excitement that ran through their veins, watching as the other entered the room. A single shared glance caused epiphanies of feelings, and most importantly, lovers felt like home. Sure, friends were family, but there was something intimate and warm about the idea of being lovers. There was a thin line between close friends and lovers — and Yang Jungwon wanted to blur that line.

"What's up with you these days?" Sunghoon yawned, leaning against the railings of the school's second floor, waving lazily to the girls that gushed while stealing glances at him. "You've rarely had time for us."

"Can't your dumbass tell?" Jay rolled his eyes at the taller boy who seemed to pay no attention to Jay's growing impatience. "Sometimes I wonder if you're a tree because man, you stiff as hell and notice nothing but heart eyes."

Sunghoon chuckled, shrugging off Jay's annoyed comment as a compliment. It didn't concern him that he was oblivious to everything but his own fame.

Jake wiggled his eyebrows playfully, nudging Sunghoon on the shoulder. "You really can't tell? I mean, it's literally written on his face." Smirking, the blond turned towards the flushed student council president who stood against the rails with his head hung low, distracting himself from the shenanigans his friends were pulling.

It was senior year for Jay, Sunghoon, and Jake. Heeseung had graduated the previous year and was off at college, enjoying the perks of being a free adult.

It was senior year for the three of them, but not him.

Jungwon, who was a year younger, had to endure another year of "suffering" (according to Sunghoon) while the other three could freely walk out after graduation, unbound by high school law.

"I mean, I don't know?? What could be more important than hanging out with us? We're literally graduating in like a few days!" Sunghoon was a whiner. He needed everything to go his way. But Jungwon wasn't having any of it.

"I'm busy with the student council stuff. You know it gets crazy, and work gets piled at the end of the year!" Jungwon softly scolded the taller boy who was busy pouting and throwing a fit.

"Are you sure it's the paperwork that's keeping you busy, or is it something else?" Jake smirked, nudging the younger boy softly.

Sunghoon's eyebrows perked up at Jake's last words. "Something else?"

"Yeah, dumbass, who else works on paperwork alongside Jungwon during this time of the year." Jay chimed in, shaking his head in frustration. "I swear you're so dense it hurts my brain to communicate with you."

Sunghoon's eyes grew wide at the realization that once flew over his head. Why hadn't he realized this? "Oh, shit? Yn?"

Jungwon spent his free time — all of his free time with the vice president, who seemed oblivious to his feelings. He grew fond of her at first because of her efficient work ethic and comforting aura. However, as days passed, and they shared more independent time together, Jungwon grew fond of her in a heart-palpitating manner. He found himself stuttering when she looked him directly in the eye and had to wipe his sweaty palms on his dress pants while he tried to hide his smile. He always found the girl pretty, but there weren't any romantic feelings attached. However, now it was different — now he couldn't take his eyes off the girl and constantly stole glances at her while she focused on her paperwork. He had fallen — and he had fallen hard.

"Shut up." Jungwon hushed Sunghoon, who now looked more enthusiastic than he had in two weeks. The idea of "the Yang Jungwon" liking someone was an unfamiliar, almost abstract concept that Sunghoon found absolutely intriguing.

"Ohhh shit, he's blushing." Jake teased, announcing loudly to everyone who was strolling the halls. Jake was a pest on purpose, and he embraced it just like how Sunghoon embraced his stupidity.

"Can you fucking shut up?" Jungwon sent the two snickering boys glares. Of course, he didn't want anyone knowing about his fondness for Yn. He didn't even want to admit it himself.

"So, are you gonna tell her?" Jay sighed at Thing One and Thing Two, who still couldn't stop sending Jungwon teasing glances. "Cause dating in senior year is tough. Or you could tell her at the end of senior year? But then you guys might go separate ways for university. You're in a tough spot Jungwon."

Jungwon only sighed in response, turning away from the three older boys who were waiting for his answer. He stared at the students who were pushing their way out the front doors — school had ended ten minutes ago, so it wasn't a surprise that everyone wanted the fast route out of "hell."

"Yeah, I'm gonna tell her." Was all Jungwon muttered, eyes still focused on the fleeting students.

"Holy shit? How?" Sunghoon beamed, excited for some type of cute crush drama. The past year had been filled with the toxicity of Jay and Yuri's relationship, and Sunghoon was tired of drama filled with complicated feelings. "Are you gonna confess behind the school or something like those bitch boys? Or are you gonna act like Jake and ask her out while she's at her lockers? Oh wait, or are you gonna be like Jay and ask her out in front of the whole school?"

"Wow, thanks for the backhanded shade man." Jay rolled his eyes at Sunghoon.

"No, I'm gonna write a letter," Jungwon spoke confidently.

"A letter? How academic of you!" Jake snickered. "How's that gonna work?"

"I'll give her a letter and tell her not to open it until graduation."

"Until your graduation?! I thought you were smart! Have you never heard of pandora's box?!" The blond boy whipped Jungwon around, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "She's definitely gonna open it before graduation."

"Nah, honestly, it's a smart choice. I think Yn would be the type of person to honor that type of promise." Jay spoke lazily, giving Jungwon an encouraging thumbs-up.

"Well, whatever floats your boat bro." Jake shook his head, still unable to wrap his head around the situation. If it were him, he wouldn't even be able to wait a day.

"Hey, Jake, sorry to break it to you, but not everyone's like you," Jungwon smirked, leaning back on the railings.

"Hey!! T-that's not true!"

—

The only emotion Jungwon felt was frustration. For the past few days, the boy had been couped up in the corner of his room drafting pages and pages of letters. Most of them had found their way in the trash or scattered on his floor, crumpled to a complete ball. Why was it so hard to write his feelings down? He found himself cringing at every draft he crafted.

But today, the last day of junior year, he had finished a perfect letter filled with everything he wanted to say. It was also his friends' graduation, but he couldn't care less. He was still gonna see the three menaces along with the absolute headache Heeseung after graduation. Nonetheless, he didn't care about his friends right now. All that filled his mind was giving the letter to Yn.

He had asked the girl to meet him in the science hall during lunch break, but now, he was the one running late. The boy ran as fast as school rules permitted him to and finally reached the hall to see Yn pacing around, staring at the science posters the freshman students had decorated.

"Yn?" Jungwon panted for air before walking towards the girl whose expression fell into confusion.

"Why are you running Jungwon? There's no rush."

There it was. The smile that lit up his heart and caused it to speed up. When did he fall this hard? He hadn't even noticed the extent of his feelings, but he didn't intend to stop. It was a fresh feeling, an unfamiliar feeling that made him want to dig up a hole and bury himself in embarrassment. A new feeling of wanting to dedicate his time to someone and embrace their every flaw.

Maybe labeling his feelings as "love" was way too early. It carried weight and burden that was unknown to Jungwon — but that was how he felt at that moment, and no one could deny that.

"I just wanted to give this to you, it's important, and I didn't wanna keep you waiting." Jungwon handed over a neat, almost expensive-looking letter engraved with golden lettering. "But you can't open it!"

Yn gave Jungwon a confused expression, awaiting his explanation.

"You can only open it on the day of graduation. So technically, next year. It's written in the context that we've graduated, and I wrote something in there that I don't want you to know until then." The boy rambled, trying to make his explanation reasonable.

"A year is a long time," Yn trailed off, looking slightly disappointed. Though her expression was immediately replaced with a playful grin as she flipped the letter around, analyzing every word. "But because you put so much effort into it, I'll keep that promise. I won't open the letter until graduation."

Jungwon grinned at Yn who honored his dedication. A year truly was a long time to wait.

But Jungwon knew —

It was worth it.

—

A MONTH INTO SENIOR YEAR

"Hey um Yn?"

It was a few weeks into the new school year, and Yn was quite busy sorting out all the events and discussing leadership opportunities with the council. She had little time to spare, especially for someone who was Yuri.

"Oh hey Yuri, did you need something?" Yn gave the slightly annoyed girl a small smile before going back to sorting out documents. "Sorry about the mess, I'm trying to reorganize everything."

"No worries, I'm not staying for long," Yuri spoke in a slightly bored tone. "But the principal's asking for you. He wanted you to stop by before you leave."

"Oh really? Okay, I'll be there in a second. Thanks for letting me know!"

"No problem." The girl seemed to have rolled her eyes, but Yn convinced herself that the girl just had a headache or something. She didn't want to stir up drama, especially after what the menace had done to Jay.

It was about an hour past dismissal, and Jungwon had told Yn that he would be in the cabinet room searching for some more printing paper. Quickly organizing the mess into piles of neatly stacked paper, Yn grabbed only her phone, leaving her bag in the room as she made her way to the principal's office.

Surely she wasn't in trouble.

She had done nothing wrong, nor did she make any academic mistake. So what could it be? Why did the principal want to see her?

Yn pushed through the light glass doors that encased the main office of the school. "Hi, I was called in by the principal?" She spoke in a voice just audible enough for the lady at the front desk to hear her.

"Oh, hello Yn!" The older lady chirped in excitement. "Yes, the principal was looking for you to share some exciting news! But he's grabbing his coffee right now, so you'll have to wait a few minutes."

"Oh, that's totally fine. I can sit here?" Yn pointed at the three chairs lined against the glass walls in front of the front desk.

"No, no, don't worry about it! You can go into his office and wait! You're no stranger! Plus, he'll be back in a second, so make yourself comfortable in his office."

Yn kindly smiled, bowing her head slightly as she made her way towards the principal's office. The office lady was right. She had been to the principal's office plenty of times to discuss council matters. She was no stranger to his office.

Or so she thought.

The principal's office seemed to have gotten a slight renovation, as many of the shelves were moved to different places. His table, which was previously placed near the window, now sat directly in front of the door against the back wall. Yn was in awe of the new change. It looked more spacious and luxurious. She couldn't help but notice the principal's new desk, which seemed to be lined with golden decorations.

She found everything stunning, all the new paintings he had shipped in were drawn to such perfection that Yn could swear it was a picture.

Everything was fascinating until her eyes landed on the sheets of paper that were spread out messily on top of his desk. Crumples were evident on the sides of the sheets, and coffee stains were also fresh, coating the papers in frustration.

What had made the principal so mad? What had made him slightly crumple up perfect sheets of paper and vandalize them with his dark coffee stains?

Yn was full of curiosity.

But as they say—

Curiosity killed the cat.

Yn's eyes widened in pure horror as her eyes anxiously scanned the papers that lay on his desk.

She shouldn't have looked.

She really shouldn't have.

MASTERLIST

< PREV / NEXT >

SYNOPSIS. after spending months suffering from amnesia in the hospital due to an “accident,” you return back to your normal school life where your close friends who you remember stick by your side 24/7. Unexpectedly, you cross paths with ex-student council president yang jungwon, who you failed to remember but feel oddly drawn to. however, after the meeting things start to get odd and you slowly begin piecing together the mystery behind your accident.

a/n: oh em gee, it's been a while! Sorry for not updating for so long :"(( but I have a question for you guys, do you prefer when the text in fics are regularly sized or small sized? Please let me know!!

TAGLIST

@moonsclover @berriniki @luvrjn @fiantomartell @shoftiiel @sthinqsz @acciomylove @abdiitcryy @ielaa @baekswoons @sunshinehanjisung @candidupped @missmadwoman @ja4hyvn @yangrden @liliansun @hutao-s @httpheeseung @todorokiskitten @primorange @uanel @babygay-stay @woniecf @yourlocalhotgf @ddeonubaby @luv3iza @mykalon @soobin-chois @pshwyfie @jjun4thitboy @yenart @solitxre @enhacolor @iz-hoonz @hobistigma @yooo-gurt @wonily @haechanhues @heesplanet @mika-monalisa @ielaa @alo-ehas @kyleeanne @wonvelvet @blank-velvet @stealanity @rrvvby @jakesim-p @chirokookie @mochisnlix

[levinneheart]

I'm the tanaka request! o.o I didnt see the other prompt lists! it's from prompt 1 and I'd love a fluffy scenario?? but if you add a little angst to make me suffer i wouldn't be opposed to it thank you bbyyy

❝ heeeey!! i looove your writing!!! it makes me go fnfjkdksnaj idk if you're taking requests but if you are can i ask for 13 + 28 with Tanaka? my boy needs some loveeee thank youuuu ❞ — requested by anon

ASDFGHJKL! Thank you for my first request and for requesting this bby, anon! I’m so sorry this took so long! This was supposed to be a headcanon but it ended up getting super long so I decided it’ll be a scenario. Glad you enjoy my writing, hope I did him justice here 👉👈 Also, I left the ending up to you! Tehehe. N e wayz... Happy reading!~ (Fun fact: I was this 🤏 close to turning this into a fully angst story but I held back hahahaha). Love from Levinne

Uno

requested on: 26-27th of July 2020

finished on: 31st of July 2020 (around 9pm)

➳ Pairing: Tanaka Ryuunosuke x F!Reader (ft. Shimizu Kiyoko)

➳ Synopsis: u·no(adj.) — one in spanish

➳ Genre: Fluff, Angst, First Kiss, Pinning, Scenario

➳ Prompt: 13 ‘Wait! Please don’t pull away... not yet’ + 28 ‘You were my first kiss’ from prompt 1

➳ Word count: 1k+

➳ Warnings: Slight angst, slight manga spoiler if you squint

➳ Playlist: Both Of Us by B.oB. (ft. Taylor Swift), Just A Dream by Nelly (Sam Tsui Cover), Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk (ft. Nate Ruess), Sad Song by We The Kings (ft. Elena Coats) that inspired this scenario!

They first met and became childhood friends because both of their representative parents were close to each other since college but unlike their older siblings, Saeko and (r/n)... (y/n) and Ryuunosuke weren’t exactly friends.

They were more like... acquaintances who went to each other’s houses to celebrate a relatives’ bday or some special occasion that their parents dragged them to.

(Y/n) always meet Ryuunosuke with your mother and vice versa, but when they do encounter each other... she’ll politely nod her head to greet him whilst he awkwardly waves a hand in response.

Until one day on Saeko’s birthday, (y/n) and Ryuunosuke were partnered up by the game host on a game called: newspaper dance. Wherein players are grouped into pairs and given a page of a newspaper. The players dance around the paper until the music stops wherein they have to stand on the paper and remain so until the music starts again. As the game progresses, the paper is folded in half for each round and each pair must make ways to pass each round. A pair which steps out of the paper is eliminated and the last team standing wins.

The competition was steep since there’s only two pairs left: them and a pair of their siblings’ friends – they were surprisingly winning by a hair, it was also unexpectedly easy to adjust and cooperate with Ryuunosuke.

On the next turn, the newspaper was folded to a one-fourth sized intermediate paper, causing them to struggle with putting both of their feet on the paper and keeping their balance — the adrenaline was now high and the pressure was on as the game host and everybody else started counting down.

In her panicked self, (y/n) boldly asked Ryuunosuke if she could carry him and when he nodded — she immediately put one leg on her hip and wrapped her arms under his butt before carrying him as she tipped over the small folded newspaper.

She couldn’t see the other pair in her position but she focused on the task at hand, quite literally. After what felt like eternity to her was actually just five minutes. “You can put me down now.” He said, tapping her shoulder as (y/n) slowly crouched down and settled him on the ground.

They were obviously announced as winners!

After that incident, they started talking more. Ryuu began changing to a loud extrovert before shaving his beautiful blond hair off, although (y/n) liked his hair - if he preferred it shaved then she’ll respect his decision.

It wasn’t until middle school that they became tight knit like surrogate siblings! These days are when Ryuu became hot-headed and prone to fights while (y/n) was the one who kept him in line and helped him study, especially when he needed a high score to continue playing in the volleyball club.

They were now on the middle school graduation, (y/n) actually managed to help Ryuu pass and graduate with her help. He knows she know that he’s indebted to her so after the ceremony, Ryuu approached her and asked if he could do anything to make it up to her since she was always so patient with him.

“Ice cream and a hug.” She answered.

His eyes widen in disbelief. “That’s all?”

“Mhm.”

“I’ll give you a hug after the ceremony on the after party.”

“There’s an after party?”

“Yeah, at our house with our families.”

“Of course.” She scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Ryuu chuckled. “But we’re not attending.”

(Y/n) looked at his smirking face with a smirk of her own, thus forming a plan that only them could think of. It would surely bring chaos to the after party and to their families because they won’t know what hit them.

In the graduation ceremony, they went up to their friends and made small talk before taking a bunch of pictures with them and their families. It was a heartwarming and fun experience to everybody who graduated and attended. However, on the way to Ryuu’s house, they started chatting with each other on their phones and internally snickering to themselves in the backseat of their parents’ cars as they went through their plan once again.

Once they arrive at their destination, the plan commences. (Y/n) approach her parents and asked if she could have a sleepover with Ryuu after the after party as she removed her graduation gown and handed it to her mother before informing them, she’ll ask Saeko if she could borrow some of her old clothes so that they won’t have to worry about that. (Yer mother’s name) told her if she behaves then she could, to which (y/n) eagerly agrees on.

Stage one of the plan was a success! Now, stage two is to borrow clothes which was the easiest of the plan since when Saeko heard little (y/n) was staying the night, she immediately gave her old clothes that didn’t fit her anymore. Next is the tricky part... stage three. They worked fast and diligently as they started by taking pieces of food, one by one so no one would noticed and that was also a success. Stage four is to escape unnoticed from the after party which went without any hitch. And lastly, stage five: locking themselves in Ryuu’s room and having their own little party.

Ryuu went out of his room to buy you ice cream and got seen by his sister as everyone was looking everywhere for you guys. He went back out of breath, locking the door behind him and giving her the vanilla flavored ice cream before joining her on his bed. His door banged multiple times as they sat inside hysterically laughing before it got unlocked with its own keys.

(Y/n) would look back on those good memories as they now looked at each other, knowing that they soon had to parted ways in high school.

“I never had that hug back then, Uno.” She stated with a wry smile as she sadly watched her parents pack their belongings and place it on the trunk of their car.

Ryuu rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh yeah... I forgot.” He awkwardly admitted.

��(Y/n), say your goodbyes to Ryuu-kun. We’ll be waiting in the car.” Her parents informed her before leaving the two alone.

“Last hug before I never see you again?”

His heart broke when he saw tears flowing down from her eyes and he couldn’t help but cry himself. He opened his arms, widely as she immediately tackled him into a hug. “Shh. We can still talk to each other and maybe someday.. we’ll be reunited. You never know, (nickname)...”

“Really..?” She pulled away slightly to look up at him before hearing her parents called out to her. “I have to go—”

“Wait! Please don’t pull away... not yet.” Ryuu glanced at her eyes then her mouth before looking at her with red tinted cheeks.

(Y/n) leaned closer to him while he closed their distance as their lips met for a quick yet soft kiss before parting shortly. “This is my promise to you, (n/n)... we will see each other again.”

“It’s a deal, Uno.” She replies before getting inside of her parents’ car, feeling giddy and shocked from her first kiss.

They continued to text one another, sometimes he would send pictures of his volleyball team, although Ryuu went to Karasuno while she went to Inarizaki.

She would take on the role of being their manager as she thought it would bring them together someday and it did... in the worst way possible.

(Y/n)’s heart shattered as she saw Ryuu talking to a pretty girl with black shoulder length hair and glasses before letting him carry her bag for her. She took a picture and texted him.

[repo-net]

It's been over a century since I last shared an OC of mine properly here, so here's another one of em, lmfao. This little fella has slowly become one of my more favorite ones mainly because he's kind of a representation of what I was like (well, aside from his backstory) before I grew into the more social and outgoing person that I turned into mid high school, so I have a special place in my heart for him. Anyways.

• Name: Aoyama Nakazke

• Gender: Male

• Height: 161cm (5'3")

• Weight: 53kg (118lbs)

• Likes: Having his hair stroked, bottles of cola, cats

• Dislikes: The smell of garbage, belts, and being ignored

• Talent: Street Baller

• Birthday: May 28

Link to the picrew used to make the above picture:

Full body images: (left is his regular outfit, right is his gym/jersey outfit, but it's more or less just him without the jacket, lol)

Personality: Aoyama is a humble and caring boy, one that shows a lot of will to prove that he's harmless and won't pull anything suspicious. He has a genuinely kind heart, one willing to reach out to others when he has a chance to do so. Despite this though, Aoyama isn't all that he seems.

He has his own insecurities due to a lack of social interaction growing up and a lack of attention and affection ever being given to him, and thus isn't exactly the best when talking to people. His thoughts and his words, while self-deprecating at times, may contrast with occasionally selfish actions to try and survive, and thus leads to Aoyama's fear of being seen as self-centered by others.

Despite this though, Aoyama truly does try to make himself look as trustable as possible and tends to act on the good side, but his desire to survive can overcome this, and while getting close to him isn't a particularly hard task, it takes a while for him to actually open up to his problems, being rather timid. Gaining his full trust can make him very attached to you though, as he values someone who he thinks won't just abandon and hurt him as incredibly saintlike, and goes out of their way to defend them, even if said person truly is in the wrong. That can be a good or bad thing depending on who he ends up giving his full devotion to.

(Backstory coming up is kind of long and has some content warning for abuse, so I'll just point that out. It's nothing too complicated, you can summarize it in 2-4 sentences if you wanted to, but I thought I'd make his backstory more detailed.)

Backstory: Aoyama lived in an abusive and poor household growing up, his parents taking out their frustration over their situation on him, claiming that their lives wouldn't be as miserable if he weren't born.

They would constantly shelter him and refuse to ever let him out of the house despite constantly seeing other kids enjoying and living their life, and being someone who got the bare minimum in education via homeschool, he was incredibly inexperienced with talking to people, and to some extent, stil is. As a matter of fact, to this day, Aoyama hasn't even graduated middle school.

His parents would berate and get on his case whenever he made even the slightest mistake; and when he makes a larger scale one, his parents would beat him with a belt to discipline him, and this only grew his hate, for them and his want to go out even further.

One night, Aoyama simply couldn't take it any more and snuck a bag with clothes, what little money he had along with a generous amount of what his parents' wallet had and a basketball along with himself outside of the house at night and never returned ever again.

Once he left the house and had no one but himself to look out for himself, he had to turn to playing basketball on the streets to keep himself entertained and sane. But it was clear to him that he wasn't going to survive since he'd just run out of money sooner than later. So, he decided that the only way to really live is to play with other people at basketball, and gamble his money to get paid.

However, due to his small size and dirty clothes/look, he'd get picked on by bigger kids and he'd get pushed around and hurt a lot, his life became a constant competition where he had to constantly come out on top in the harsher, more physical street basketball environment he had to grow up in to pay for the food and drinks he needed just to live. But his talent for basketball from his speed, stamina, and technique would always help him defy odds and come out of matches richer.

Every day was a battle with other kids and every day he had to spend his money wisely and make sure no one would try to steal it from him; he was constantly paranoid of people staring at him like an outcast and he'd only trusted those he played with on the courts. His life for more than half a decade was just physical and bruising streetball that had him have to put his body on the line just to sustain himself in the streets. His only company during those times were stray cats, and the occasional teammates after ball games that he'd share a cola with.

One day while he was looking for a new street to stay in though, Aoyama participated in a larger scale street ball tournament outside of his home town, and he came out of nowhere as an underdog to win, defeating a mountain of larger names in the street ball genre and gaining recognition around the area. He was recruited into a major street ball team and after they learned that Aoyama literally had no place to stay in, he was allowed to sleep in the team bus + the team's dugouts/dorms.

Ever since then, his life has significantly improved, at least by his standards, he's travelled across the country with his teammates, he's gotten just the tiniest bit better at talking to people, though he's still a rather introverted and timid mess when outside of the playing court. His current goal is to win a bigger tournament with his team and use the winnings to come back to his parents and apologize for stealing the money he took from them when he left the house, despite all the abuse that he took from them, he wants to hope that they've changed when he comes back. That's what his wish and hope is.

Extra/s: His preferred position on the court is shooting guard, although due to his height, he ends up getting pushed into the point guard position more than he likes to admit.

He bought his jacket after he got recruited by his current team. Before that, all he wore were white shirts and shorts that he'd buy from low quality stores and toss out after a week because they got dirty.

His body is actually pretty muscly since he had to work on it to not get pushed around and hurt as much when playing street ball, but there are still some present scars on his torso, some caused by his parents' abuse.

Quote/s: "I don't really get how it all works, if I'm being honest. But if this sorta thing makes you happy, then I'll do it. Even if it's gonna embarrass me..."

"Hey, you leave them alone! You're just trying to twist the narrative on them with your made up story, aren't you? A person like them... they'd never do wrong! If you wanna come at them, then you'll be coming at me too!"

"S-Stop that! I don't know what the hell you see in me, but I don't agree with it if you're acting this way around me! I don't understand feelings like this, and trying to think about stuff I don't understand just hurts..."

Anddd that's more or less Aoyama Nakazke. Sorry that this was long as hell, it's probably not anything special but I like how he came out. Please give feedback if you have any, it'd be really appreciated! Thanks for reading!

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[fookingstylnsn-blog]

Bff

April 18, 2019

Busy ako sa pagtunganga sa bahay namin dahil bakasyon (Hollyweek). I don't intend to do anything since minsan lang ako makapagpahinga ng matagal dahil sa hectic ng trabaho. Habang busy ako sa pagscroll up and down sa facebook, may narecieve akong chat galing sa bestfriend ko.

Iniinvite nya ako na magswimming sa San Juan Batangas. Since wala naman ako ginagawa at gusto ko din makalanghap ng simoy ng hangin sa dagat sumama ako. It happened so fast I just saw myself packing my bag and heading to thier house.

As usual, pagdating ko sa bahay nila nakaboxer lang ang besfriend ko (palagi syang ganyan, palibhasa hindi nahihiya sakin 🤦‍♀️). Sabi nya 4pm kami aalis pero naghintay pa kami ng 6pm bago dumating Mama nya para kumuha ng gamit. So fast forward... Sa byahe, niloloko ako ng Mama nya na "mamanugangin" nya daw ako kaya dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. Which is lagi ko naririnig sakanya pero di na lang namin pinapansin ni Bestfriend kasi alam ko naman nagjojoke lang yung Mama nya (though sometimes, lalo na these past few months na nafefeel ko na masarap na sya pakinggan sa tenga... but hear me out, mahaba pa 'to) Avanza yung car na sinakyan namin at naupo kami sa pinakalikod ni bestfriend (tawagin na lang natin syang "W" kasi napapagod ako magtype 😅). Nung una kwentuhan, tawanan hanggang sa sobrang haba ng byahe inantok na kami pareho. Nung una awkward pa kami ayaw pa namin magtabi as in nasa magkabilang dulo kami at hirap na hirap sa pagsandal. Sobrang uncomfortable pero go pa rin sa pag idlip. Hanggang sa ayun niyaya ko sya na mahiga na lang sa lap ko pero tumanggi sya. Kinuha nya lang kamay ko tapos pinaglaruan na nya. Hanggang sa hinayaan nya ako sumandal sa balikat nya, nag iba iba pa kami ng posisyon nun habang nasa byahe kasi sobrang haba talaga ng byahe halos 4hrs din yun. Bilang babae ako hindi ko maiwasan na maging consious na gestures naming dalawa but I tried my best to avoid any indications of giving that a meaning. Sobrang pagpipigil ang ginawa ko, pinigilan ko kiligin, pinigilan ko masanay at higit sa lahat pinigilan ko mafall.

Pagdating sa beach, kumain kami at nagyaya na ako papunta sa mabatong part ng beach kung san pwede tumambay. By the way, kasama namin yung bunso nyang kapatid na 15years old na. Binilin sakanya ng Mama nya na wag lalayo sa Kuya nya e. Kaya yun kasama namin sya sa pagtambay. Kaming tatlo sa ilalim ng puting bwan 😉. Hindi naman KJ yung kapatid nya, in fact minsan nasasabayan nya kami ni W sa mga topic namin.

As the night passes by nagdecide kami na antayin na lang ang sunrise since wala rin kaming place na matutulugan (sabit lang kasi Mama ni W sa outing na yun kaya di na kami nagpilit na makitulog sa cottage na nirent nung mga kasama namin). Anyways, dumating kami sa point na nag-uusap kami ng tungkol sa mga balak namin sa future (dito na naghalo halo ang feelings ko... HOOO!)

Sya ang nauna since inissist nya. Ang plano nya... Makapagtraining na para makasampa na ng barko (Marine Transpo graduate sya), makapag ipon, makabili ng lupa, makapagtayo ng business, mapagtapos si Bunso, magkapagpatayo ng sariling nyang bahay, magmanage ng business na naisip nya kasama yung friend nya then magsettle down na when he turned 40.

Ako: Nasan dun yung pag-aasawa, nasan dun yung pagpapamilya?

W: In between 28-30. Gusto ko magkapag asawa at magka anak at the age of 30.

Ako: Ang selfish mo.

W: Bakit naman?

Ako: Nakaplano na buhay mo pero yung pagpapamilya option na lang yung sayo. It's like, there is no way you'll end up being single. So kung makakilala ka pala ng babae at the age of 27 or 28 even if the relationship doesn't gurantee love and affection you'll end up marrying her since it has nothing to do with your plan and it feels like you have to do it because it's just a natural thing a 28 or 30 years old to do?

W: Hindi ko alam, maybe I'm just so confident na hindi ako tatanda mag isa.

Ako: Exactly my point. Your self-centered ass is telling you that you don't have to worry about love because it's everywhere.

W: May chix ako ngayon, i don't know kung posser lang sya dahil ayaw nya kami magVC. Gagamitin ko sya to avoid girls to ruin my plan even if shes nothing like her photos or not. Sa ngayon nakafocus ako sa training at pagsampa ng barko para makapag ipon. Kung pagdating ng araw na nakuha ko na lahat ng gusto ko at nanjan parin sya maybe I will consider marrying her in the future but having a serious relationship is not on my prioty right now.

Ako: Why don't you use me then? Mas okay siguro kung ako, since kilala na ako ng marami sa friends mo.

W: Hindi ka pwede. Magbest friend tayo. Alam ko at nakikita ko na kung ano mangyayare pag ikaw ang ginamit ko. Ayoko masira ang pagkakaibigan natin. Mas importante ka kesa sa lahat ng babae na dumating at umalis sakin. Ayaw kita mawala ng dahil lang gusto kong makuha ang plano ko.

Ako: Pay me then. (pagbibiro ko) Bayaran mo na lang ako para naman may social life na ako at may side line pa in the process.

W: Lalong hindi ko papayagan yun, wala pa akong pera sa ngayon. (Sabay tawanan naming tatlo)... ikaw ba? Anong plano mo?

Ako: Hmmm... Makahanap ng trabaho na may malaking sahod, makaipon tapos makabili ng sariling lupa o kaya makabili ng bahay sa isang subdivision sa Lipa.

W: Wala din dun ang pag-aasawa at pagpapamilya ah.

Ako: Unlike sayo, hindi ako confident na may magkakagusto pa sakin habang tumatanda ako. Oo, 23 lang ako. Madami pa ako makikilala. Nakakatakot lang kasi na habang lumilipas ang mga araw na hindi ko pa sya nakikila lumiliit ang chance na makapag asawa pa ako. Kaya hindi ko muna sya sinama sa plano ko. Kung dadating sya okay kung hindi edi okay lang din at least no disappointments since wala sya sa balak ko mangyari sakin sa future.

W: Dadating din yun wag kang mag-alala.

Humaba ang conversation namin pagkatapos nun pero yun ang pinakatumatak sakin...

Hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko ng mga oras na yun. People around me pressured me telling me that I should end up with W since bestfriend ko sya since 2005 pa. That's exactly 14 years ago. Hindi nawala connection namin since grade 5. We literally are the best buddies kahit minsan na lang kami magkita after high school since busy na kami sa kanya kanyang life nung college. I don't have a proper relationship for my intire life. May naging bf kuno ako pero hindi yun considered as relationship kasi sobrang messed up nun and it shouldn't happen in the first place. Then nandyan ang mga barkada, kaklase at mga katrabaho ko... nagging me to end up with him because that's what bestfriends do.

Siguro hinahayaan ko na lang ang mga tao sa paligid ko na ipush ako kay W dahil naprepressure na ako sa pagiging single. Nakakaasar kasi yung feeling na hindi ka gustuhin. Na kahit ata anong paraan gawin ko walang nagkakagusto sakin na pwede ko ipagmalaki. Sa sobrang tagal ko na single natatakot na ako na baka tumanda ako mag isa. Na sa dami kong inuuna, hindi ko na nauuna ang sarili ko at hinahayaan ang mga tao sa paligid ko na magdikta sakin kung sino yung tao na dapat kong makatuluyan.

Napatunayan ko nung gabi na yun na hindi ako para sa besfriend ko. Na mas gugustuhin ko pang maging kapatid nya kesa maging jowa nya. Na ihanda ang sarili ko kung sakaling may makilala na ako na sa tingin ko ay makakasama ko sa pagtanda. Na dapat pala hindi ako magpadala sa dikta ng iba dahil mas alam ko sa sarili na walang dapat mamagitan samin ni W kundi pagkakaibigan na panghabang buhay.

Tama yung lyrics ni Rex Orange County sa kantang Bestfriends:

"I could have made you mine

But no it wasn't meant to be and see I wasn't made for you and you weren't made for me

Though it seemed so easy..."

Ngayon... mas malinaw na isip ko tungkol samin ng bestfriend ko. Wala na yung pressure at yung katiting na feelings ko para sakanya. Ngayon... mas mahal ko sya bilang kaibigan at handa akong suporthan sya sa napili nyang plano sa buhay.