#literally where the fuck does my moms money go like. she pays the lot rent (which includes utilities) and gas and internet. what else

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

lmao my mom's rlly gonna claim me as dependent, not give me a dime of the stimulus check she gets for me (or share w my brothers who she also claims but don't even live w us), render the kitchen entirely unusable and uncleanable, not buy groceries, buy herself (only herself) fast food combo meals every day, smoke a pack of marlboro cigarettes each day (~$9.10 every day), refuse to help with paying for the cats stuff (the cats she got on impulse without asking me), buy literally hundreds of bottles of soda but only a small portion of them diet, then get mad at me when I ask if she can please just buy me some diet soda after i run out and say "I don't have money"

then LITERALLY 12 hours later text me and ask if i will drive to DOMINOS IN THE NEXT TOWN OVER to pick up her pizza

[skyrim-said-that]

The Daedric princes as roomates

Thank you so much to @the-drunken-huntsman for all their help with these headcanons! For those of you who want to know, Sanguine is at the very end, I saved my favorite for last. 

Clavicus Vile: Annoying ass roommate who does not clean up after himself and lets his dog do whatever the fuck it wants. He leaves dishes fucking everywhere and lets his dog lick his plate when he finishes a meal only to leave said plate on the coffee table in the living room. Has all the best gaming systems tho let’s be real, and he is willing to share them and leave them in the common space. Also, Barbas is a good boy.

Malacath: Gym bro roommate. If you are trying to get stronger or bulk up or whatever then sure he’s a great roommate but he is always kinda sweaty. Has anger issues. Leaves workout equipment everywhere? Have fun stubbing your toes on his 100-pound hand weights. Makes disgusting protein shake concoctions at 5 in the fucking morning with his loud ass blender. Lowkey is not a great cook tho so if he makes u a meal you best be eating it. Would beat up anyone you needed beat up no questions asked.

Hermaeus mora: Such a fucking know it all. The “um ACKTUALLY” guy every time you say anything. Points out any tiny inaccuracy in movies like its his job its literally painful. Hes taking like 8 classes and acing every single one. Remembers everything you have ever said fucking ever and will use it against you. He will however do your taxes and calculate the bills and stuff. Honestly probably makes u a budget. Also, has the textbooks you need for class in pristine condition just like chilling on his bookshelf? Lets you use them but if you crinkle even ONE PAGE he will be pissed. 

Hircine: lowkey redneck. 100% has a taxidermy deer head he wants to hang in the common room, also a hunting rifle. He just like has it around. He is a furry and has a fursuit. Pretty chill roommate if we are being honest? There’s a lot of raw meat in your fridge/freezer tho. I hope you're not vegetarian because he will make fun of you. if you’re not he makes really good steak as long as you like it rare. Also wakes up at the ass crack of dawn and try as he might, is not very quiet. REALLY COMPETITIVE, do not make bets/play video games/card games, etc. he will crush you and be really annoying about it. 

Azura: Azura is the crystals and astrology roommate who calls herself a plant mom but can only keep succulents alive. She's really proud if her one rose bush she's had for a while but you don't have the heart to tell her it's fake. She's constantly trying to give you essential oils for any minor ailment you may have. She also likes to call herself the mom friend but gets sloppy white girl wasted every weekend and can never be trusted as DD

Nocturnal: the suspicious roommate you know nothing at all about. What classes is she taking? What college is she even going to? Where does she work? Leaves at random times, comes back at random times. Will disappear off the face of the earth for 3 days with nothing but a note asking you to fill the birdfeeder outside her window while she’s gone. If she likes you she will just give you random stuff? Where she got it isn't important. There is literally no trace of her in common spaces but she always pays her rent on time so no complaints. 

Sheogorath: You have seen sheo like 3 times since you moved in but the stories about him are great. Someone said he got arrested, someone else said he joined a Croatian traveling circus. No one knows for sure but he still sends his half of the rent money in the mail every month (with no return address) so you can't complain. Sometimes you get up in the middle of the night and hes just sitting at the kitchen table eating kraft cheese slices one by one. Tells you an extremely weird and out of nowhere story that you will think about for the rest of your life, then disappears for another 2 months. 

Mephala: knows everything about everyone and will find out all your dirty secrets by the second week of living together. She's ended several relationships so you hesitate to bring your partner over. Reads your diary and goes through your search history every time you leave. Is the one encouraging Azura to get sloppy drunk on the weekends with your booze. She breeds tarantulas and sells them out of your apartment, and you’ve heard the vetting process to adopt one of them is stricter than trying to adopt a child. There’s a written exam on spider care and everything. 

Peryite: Peryite is sick 24/7 and always misses class but always ends up with higher grades than you. Has pet snakes and lizards that escape like once a week and always end up chilling somewhere in the common space to scare you. They feed rodents and stuff outside your place so there’s always like possums and rats and raccoons just chilling. They all have names. If you are having issues with a person at school or a coworker or something, insists that they are weak and you. He makes and enforces the chore wheel. 

Namira:  THE WORST for dirty dishes, there is stuff in their room that was mouldy before they even moved in. do not let them use your mugs they will let a teabag grow its own biosphere before you see it again. They leave rotting food in the sink and suspicious unlabeled meat in the freezer. Nothing they eat looks at all edible but they seem to enjoy it? Offers you leftovers which is nice, but don’t eat them. 

Mehrunes Dagon: does not clean up after himself ever. You left him alone one weekend to visit home and when you came back it looked like a war zone. Have weapons just lying around??? This is super dangerous. Fights your guys’ landlord all the fucking time, how has he not been kicked out yet. Hates everyone you have ever dated for no reason, you probably shouldn’t bring them around. The good news is that when you do break up he will break their arms for you. You’re welcome :)

Boethiah: would be some kind of organizer. Definitely am anarchist punk. If you ever go to them with relationship or friendship troubles their only advice is "kill them". Loves conflict tho, so nosy to other people’s drama and encourages the worst possible outcomes bc it’s funny. Honestly? Hes just a shitty roommate. Honest with his opinions tho, if you’re gonna go out and ask his opinion on your outfit he’s gonna be brutally honest. 

Vaermina: is taking night classes so you can't make any noise in the day while she's sleeping. Has a really creepy vibe about her and whenever she's up at night it barely sounds like a person moving around. Gives an in-depth analysis of your dreams and nightmares if you share them and is able to guess your exact mental illness or childhood trauma based on your first real conversation. Her additions to the common room are all really cool stuff, but super gothic. She whips out a whole human skull and when u ask where she got it she says she just had it around. 

Meridia: is a nursing student always going on and on about how noble her career is. Won't let you decorate the common area ever lest you tarnish her perfect all white minimalist aesthetic. She doesn’t want to hang out with you and if you sit in the common room with her she will leave or side-eye you until you go. Just awful vibes, she gives you backhanded compliments. However, if you’re going somewhere and she offers to help you fix your ugly ass (in her opinon) hair or makeup, say yes. It will look great at the cost of some not so veiled insults.

Sanguine: The bad news is that he has very loud sex all the time and it’s really annoying. The good news is that it will sometimes be with you if u want. The fuckbuddy roommate. The absolute most mind-blowing soul-shattering time of your life but DO NOT GET ATTACHED. He will not commit. He does not want to be in a relationship with you. Also has all the best alcohol and shares it without you even having to ask. I hope you are okay with parties because he will be having them at your place at least twice a month. More if he can. Gets you absolutely fucking wasted but also makes sure you are having a good time and nobody bothers you. 

When he isn’t partying at your place he’s partying somewhere else and coming home as the sun is rising, tipsy. Also gets sloppy drunk on the weekends but never has a hangover. like he never ends up passing out or getting hurt or anything when he’s wasted. At no point, does his being drunk interfere with his having fun. If you end up with one he's a big believer in "hair of the dog" remedies and will make you morning cocktails before class Also if you bring people home for fun times he will not be leaving the apartment to give you guys privacy, in fact, he will give you and your partner a high five and a shot as soon as you leave the bedroom. Rolls the best joints with the best weed in the country, makes even better edibles.

[kny111]

Need help with housing - Mutual aid - Landlord harassment

Hey everyone, as some of you may know I recently separated with my partner whom we had a child with and have been struggling with paying rent and expenses for my self and baby since she moved. I’m still unemployed looking for part time work to have time for my baby and pay rent and utilities. In total the monthly expenses I’ll be dealing with now will be $2,000 at the very least which I don’t have. I’m struggling finding government rental assistance to help me cover the costs so I’m going here after months of dealing with this silently as I normally do from survivor’s guilt. I was in financially abusive situation and I’m still dealing with the symptoms from lack of appetite, energy to do anything, depressed, anxious.  I was dealing with my recently diagnosed thyroid (hypothyroidism) situation (I’ve had it for a while as does my mom but was only recently diagnosed with it this year) and the symptoms that come with it.

The same week I had missed my dose for my meds 2nd day I had pulled my muscles (likely from the condition + having been biking + doing hard labor without stretching) and was literally immobile for like 2 weeks or more I lost a lot of muscle mass and still struggle walking up without feeling a bit of that stress from the initial leg pull on my calf. Weeks later, as my legs were healing, the landlord ( white dude from 181 realty corp) illegally broke into my apt with super’s help even after I saw the txt he got where my partner told him I live here supposedly because of non-payment/non-lease renewal which still does not grant any one that access if you’ve lived in the dwelling for over 30 days as the law states. The situation gave me PTSD, more social anxiety and depression, suicidal ideation and loss in interest for a lot of things, emotionally distressed most the times. And now I’m in housing court again dealing with landlords engaging in criminal shit cause the city lets em do whatever they want at the expense of poor folks. I had to file a harassment case against him for the illegal break in and have a court day for may. I’m also planning on suing for the emotional, physical, and financial damages done because I had to climb back up into my apartment through the firescape my neighbor allowed me through with my legs still fucked up since he had locked me out. The same day I had to spend 580$ dollars for a new locking system. He tried coming back the next day and tried fucking with the new lock, I called the cops on him. They told him (after asking me for proof of address so imagine if I didn’t have that shit) that I have every legal right to be here (and from what housing court told me they should have actually arrested him for the break in). Right now I just need any help, love, kind words as per usual because I don’t have a large support group right now and I’m dealing with a lot of superstitious people (my family included as they typically side with the person who got money) that aren’t too helpful. I would deeply appreciate any financial help as that’s what I’m most distressed about now. Feels like I got left behind after doing so much of the housework that never got done just because niggas aint have a job in a pandemic they actually gave a fuck about from the start. Thanks for reading, again, any help is appreciated tenfold. venmo: @kennyg183

cashapp: $kennygmz

Update: I didn’t at the time of posting this on April 17th, upload any proof along with the post out of respect to those donating money so they know I’m not on here tryina con no one. Here are some of the bills I’ve had to deal with since the whole ordeal.

This was from when I had spent the day at the hospital just to get checked out and told I was fine after my financially abusive ex had called them on me. This was the subtotal I have to deal with.

This was from when the landlord (even after knowing I was still living there as evidenced by text kept between my ex and he) broke into my apartment with the help of the super (both while males). This had happened after I had injured my leg and had stepped out to get emergency cash from the bank, in between the 30 minutes it took me to do this they were already there doing breaking in illegally despite my rights.

This is the current subtotal of my rent, I blocked out the name because this is my ex’s name since she had rights to the lease. I had sent a check of the exact rent amount and he never took it, instead charged double as though I never sent a check (my bad, I checked and it shows as this on the paper check they sent but I was told he did cash it in by my local bank). Here’s a copy of that check:

I’m still readjusting the apartment to my new living situation and I’ve been planning to start selling my art again by investing in a small stock room here where I can try making some money with that and courier/delivery gigs with my bike. It’s going to cost me to get the stock room up and going and will need a printer to make my own copies of my work for once and delivery my self if buyers are in my range if not will deliver the standard mail like I normally did. Any help in these endeavors would be really appreciated as I’m going through lots of turmoil. Thanks. - Ken

[collecting-stories]

A Year Later - ep. 07 - JJ Maybank

A/N: I wanted to do an epilogue of sorts for The S’week and @d-reamingoutloud suggested looking into their lives a year after the story so that’s what I decided to do. Basically this is kind of where the reader’s relationship with them all is at. 

The S’week Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

John B. Routledge - 

John B’s Hand slipped out of yours, both of you forming a fist to side bump in a variation of the secret pogue handshake that you’d somehow come to adopt as your own in the last year. You were standing on the edge of the jetty, cooler in your other hand. 

“You ready to go?” John B asked, taking the cooler from you and setting it down below the seat before he held his hand out for you to climb aboard. It was early enough in the morning that it was still dark outside but the light on the boat cast a glow across the marsh, a rather calming effect on you as you prepared to spend the morning fishing with John B. An odd sort of tradition that had come about last year and had just stuck. A time and place that neither of you had to worry about other obligations or other people’s opinions of your friendship.  

“Yeah. New boat?” You asked, taking a look at the boat as you stepped on. John B stepped back to give you some room, nodding his head. 

“Got it last month, finally saved enough between rent and bills.” He replied, “being an adult sucks.”

“I hardly think 19 qualifies as being an adult.” You laughed, taking a seat as he pulled away from the jetty. It was still cold out for now, one of JJ’s hoodies keeping you warm as the light rush of air chilled your bare legs.  

“It does when I’ve got bills to fucking pay.” John B replied.  

“Touché.” You glanced back at him, “I thought you were doing the Winnebago thing with Kie? Surfing all the coasts or something?” 

Kiara was leaving at the end of the week to spend the summer in a Winnebago with a few friends from college. The last you had heard about the trip John B was tagging along too, eager, apparently, to get out of the obx. But here he was, spending his money on a new boat and seemingly unprepared to leave the island.  

“Nah, I thought about it but...I don’t know. She’s talking about it being a fresh start and how I’m in a slump but I know if I go with her-”  

You nodded, “not exactly a fresh start if you’re just tagging along with Kie wherever she goes.”  

You loved Kiara but you knew that she had a constant want to fix her friends problems, always the mom of the group in a way it killed her that things had never gone back to normal after the s’week debacle. The Week that Must Not Be Named, according to JJ.  

“Yeah, and listening to her try and fix things between everyone. I love her to death but the ‘we should put aside our differences’ spiel has yet to work on any of us.” John B replied, “except maybe you and Sarah.” 

“Me and Sarah are in it for life, she’s my like platonic soulmate best friend. I’d have to cut a part of myself out to not be friends with her anymore.” You admitted. Sarah could stab you in the back, and figuratively she had, and you would still be rooting for her in the end. You loved JJ and you cared about John B but Sarah was your ride or die.  

“That’s really touching.”  

“Oh shut up,” You laughed, tossing a flip-flop at him. “I love you too John B.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was gonna say, I’ll take you up on your offer...if it still stands?” 

You’d came home almost every weekend because of your schedule but it was during spring break, on a day when JJ had work and you had gone over to the Chateau to hang out with John B, that you had mentioned your family’s vacation home in Hawaii. You usually went around Christmas and had that year, taking JJ with you for his first plane ride ever (which had been hilarious in itself). John B had mentioned wanting to get away from the obx and you suggested your family’s vacation home, free to him if he wanted to move out there for a little while.  

“Yeah of course, whatever you need.” 

“A serious change of scenery.” John B replied. The Outer Banks had always been his home but it was feeling more and more like a prison the longer he stayed there. Especially when he felt like he was running into JJ everywhere he went.  

“I’m guessing, if you’re aversion to Kie is that strong, you and JJ still aren’t talking?” You asked. It was an unspoken agreement between you and JJ that you never talked about his former best friend.  

“I got nothing to say to him.” He shrugged, “I’ve tried, I swear...it’s just, every time I see him I think about it and I feel like I wanna drown him in the ocean.” 

“I guess you won’t be coming to the boneyard on Friday then?” 

“Nah. I’ve got you and Kie and I don’t really wanna see anyone else. I’ve tried hanging out with other people we just don’t vibe ya know? I miss feeling like I had that group...I’m not gonna have that feeling here anymore.”  

“Hey I get that. When Rafe and I broke up I lost a lot of friends I thought I had.” You replied, “people can’t help feeling loyal to certain people.” 

“Maybe.” John B shrugged; it didn’t matter. Or he was trying to accept that he couldn’t change it. “But you’re here on the boat with me and we get along fine. You don’t try and bullshit me about JJ or tell me we should all be best friends again.” 

“It’s not my place. Besides, JJ and I have come to the agreement that we don’t talk about it.” You replied. It kept you both happy.

“Well it’s shit when you and Kie are in school cause then it’s just me and JJ on the cut.” John B admitted. He hadn’t complained too much about it during the school year but you knew that was just for your benefit. “What about you? I know you guys are cool but how is rooming with Sarah?”

“It’s good, feels like old times again ya know...JJ doesn’t come around, but...it what it is.” You shrugged.  

✰ ✰

Sarah Cameron -  

“I’m going to fail all my classes.” Sarah groaned, resting her chin on her forearms. She’d pushed her books away from her, forcing you to pick up your coffee when her textbooks threatened to knock it over.  

Finals were in a week and both of you had been studying like crazy, meeting up in the dorm or in the library for cram sessions between classes. Sarah was already planning on going to Nassau the first week of summer vacation with Topper and some college friends. Even if nobody actually knew what happened last summer it still felt different being in the Outer Banks now.  

“You are not, you’re literally one of the smartest people I know.” You replied, attempting to be encouraging as you texted Kiara about Pope’s birthday party coming up. Your books mirrored Sarah’s but you were taking a supposed break from studying for the five minutes your timer allotted.  

“But not the smartest?” She asked, lifting her head and narrowing her eyes at you. She grabbed her own cup of coffee off the table and took a sip as she looked over the books again. Nothing had changed.  

“I mean, I know Topper so...”  

“Oh my god, shut up, I just fucking spit out my coffee.” Sarah laughed, covering her mouth with her hand and reached for a napkin. “For real though, why couldn’t my dad have pulled a Lori Laughlin and like, paid off my college?”

You slipped your phone back on the table face down, clicking the side when it rang and pulling one of your books closer to distract you from it. “Because then he would’ve gotten caught and you would’ve been kicked out and probably blacklisted and everyone would be like ‘that girl is so dumb her dad paid off the college to pass her.’ And you’d have to move in with me and work retail.” 

“Stop it. What a fucking nightmare.” 

“The living with me or the working retail?” You asked, laughing at the annoyed face she made.  

“I’m gonna hire a new best friend who’s just like ‘yeah Sarah you’re so smart’, ‘your dad should pay for you to ace tests, you don’t need college’ and whatever other shit I pay them for.” She replied.  

“You could pay me, I’ll be your yes man.” You offered, silencing your phone when it rang again.  

“Who’s calling you?” Sarah asked, her attention drawn away from studying and Lori Laughlin to the phone that rang for a third time.  

“What?” You looked up, “no one.” You’d told JJ that you would call him when you were finished studying and that you were busy but that didn’t stop the incessant calling once he decided he felt like talking to you. Normally you wouldn’t care but you did your best to separate JJ from your life at school because Sarah was here and you didn’t feel like it was fair to flaunt that in front of her, even if it was accidental.  

“Seriously, I can see you clicking off your phone every couple minutes.” She replied, “Is it JJ?”

“Uh-” You bit your lip as you looked over at the offending electronic. It was no use pretending like he wasn’t the person on the other end of the call. You’d gone two semesters and a spring break without incident, surely, she wouldn’t care if you took one phone call. But you still felt guilty, you weren’t sure if that would ever go away. “It’s no big deal, I can talk to him later.”

“I’m fine!” Sarah insisted, “seriously I’ve got like a real date on Friday.” 

“I just wanna call him back real quick.” You replied, “I think it’s about going home for the weekend.”

“For Pope’s birthday?”  

“Yeah.” You’d been staying on campus with finals so close but it you knew Pope was going to be home for the weekend for his birthday and Kiara would be there and you didn’t want to miss spending time with them. Especially since you wouldn’t see them again until hell week was over and you were moving out of your dorm.  

“Kie mentioned it to me last week.” Sarah explained, “Are you guys doing anything special?”

“As far as I know it’s just the four of us.” You replied. John B hadn’t been hanging around either of his former friends. He still saw Kiara when she was home and you whenever you came home for the weekend, but that was sans JJ or Pope. If either of them was around than John B kept his distance.  

“Go, go. Seriously, I’m fine.” 

You pushed your chair back as your phone rang one more time, finally answering it. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”

✰ ✰

JJ Maybank -

“I’ve been thinking,” JJ started to say, sitting on a chair in The Wreck with you on his lap. Before he could continue you raised an eyebrow at him, running your fingers through his hair to get him to look up at you.  

“That’s never good.”

JJ stuck his tongue out but kept talking, undeterred by your comment, “...you should drop out.” He announced.  

You laughed, knowing that JJ wasn’t serious at all. He’d been making the same suggestion to you since September. “No way in hell! Why would I do that?”

“So I don’t have to go weeks without seeing you.” He shrugged, fingers slipping beneath your shirt as he laid a kiss against your neck.  

“A more tempting offer than I expected...what’ll we do on all these weeks spent actually seeing each other?” You asked, smiling. You couldn’t help but play along whenever he asked you to leave school. It was all just for fun, if anything JJ had the most supportive person you had in your life during school.  

“I can think of a few things.” JJ replied, squeezing your side and brushing his nose against your collar and neck.  

“Oh god.” You laughed, “stop we’re in public. There are families with children here.”

“How do you think they got the kids?” He shrugged.  

“You’re a terrible person.” You replied, “come on, Kie and Pope will be here soon.” 

“You’ve been home for like an hour and you’re already dying to see our friends instead of me.” JJ whined.  

“An hour? Babe, I got in this morning...we spent the whole morning ‘unpacking’ in my room.” You pointed out. You’d taken the earliest ferry over that you could and met JJ on the docks. It didn’t matter that you’d just seen him two weeks ago or that you facetimed him every night, seeing him in person gave you the best feeling in the world. It was undeniable.  

“Okay, I know I did not come all the way here just to watch you guys mack on each other.” Kiara announced as she came over to the table.  

“Came all the way over? You fucking work here Kie.” JJ replied, rolling his eyes as you got up to give her a hug. He frowned at the loss of attention, even if he did know that going out with everyone meant not getting you all to himself.  

“I had to go pick up Pope and then drive back.” Kiara said, as if that was a viable excuse.

“I’m like five minutes away...walking.” Pope pointed out, giving you a hug before grabbing a seat next to JJ.  

“No, move.”

“I’m not moving!” Pope exclaimed, “dude, don’t push my chair.”

“He’s being a brat cause I’m apparently more excited to see you guys than I was to see him.” You replied, laughing as Pope smacked JJ’s hands away from his chair. You sat across from your boyfriend, sticking your tongue out at him.  

“You are.”

“I am not!”  

“She is.” Kiara said, grinning at you, “it’s okay I know you only date JJ so you can hang out with us.”

“Hey!”

“I know, what am I gonna do while you’re away?”

“It’s okay,” Pope said, reaching across the table and putting his hand over yours, “I’ll still be here.”

“Thank god.”

“Okay, seriously, the three of you are the worst.” Despite his words when you looked over at JJ he was smiling, eyes brighter than they’d been when you met him almost a year ago. Things weren’t perfect but they were good.  

-

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[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[strawberryspeachy]

Within a couple days of my mom passing my mother was just going out shopping and shit

She kept calling me asking how i am. Fucking terrible what do you think

As usual she doesnt wanna listen to me talk about mom and she got mad when i wouldnt say anything.

Dont call me. Leave me alone

My grandfather is miserable crying being surrounded by places my mom was and food she ate and stuff she had. He went to the er a few days ago and then was called back in he has an infection of some kind but they dont kno what

My uncles 13 year old dog died a couple months ago and then he went to the hospital for 2 months with covid and then pancreatic problems of some kind. He doesnt talk to me but im told he’s miserable and crying too

So my mother this obnoxious fucking child who hates when the attention isnt on her. So she went out and got high. I told her ill block her if she does that shit and her friends yelled at her.

Her ex bf stopped talking to her a few days before my mom died - dont know dont care why. Well she wont stop crying over him and my uncle told her to be grateful for the friends she has. She replied with ‘you wouldnt like it if i told you be grateful for your friends if your wife died’ she told her that was fucked up and is mad at her now. She thinks shes justified in saying that. I asked her if her ex died. She said no but “he may as well be dead because he wont talk to me”

My grandfather got back from the hospital this morning. Now shes saying that she feels oh so sick and thinks she needs to go to the hospital

SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS AND ITS MADDENING

Oh your all sad over mom well stop being sad. Youre still sad? Well look at me im more sad - so sad that im fucking myself up now. Oh youre still upset yourselves and not refocusing on me? Well you should because i have it worse because more than one person in my life just died-dont care that hes not actually dead-ive lost more than you pay attention to me!! No no dont all pay attention to the heartbroken sick widow in the hospital- im sick too!!! More sick than him probably!! “Everyone forgets i also have asthma and prediabetis and blah blah blah everything THEY have AND MORE!!” <—— her response also anytime my mom was having issues with her asthma

When my mom started forgetting how to take care of herself she went to the barn and came to the house literally unable to breathe. It was horrifying. I saw her and didnt know what to do but luckily realized she probably needed her inhaler as i was calling an ambulance. I didnt know where hers was and ran to my mother asking to borrow hers.

Me in tears frantically on the phone with 911 saying moms having an asthma attack let me borrow your inhaler - was met by angry resistance from my mother demanding to know why cant she use hers?! Shes sick of sharing stuff with my mom!! She needs it

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING INHALER BEFORE MOM DIES

keep in mind my mother doesnt work. She got fired from all her jobs when i was young for STEALING then she just refused to work. When i was going to college she got social security which shed been fighting for for years after abusing the welfare system. She doesnt pay rent or anything. She get money from the government.

So the fact that she doesnt work for all the stuff she gets makes it infuriating that she has issues with sharing food and her FREEE medical supplies with my mom..had

Ive told her several times already that i cant just mourn in peace because of her. None of us wanna have to fight with her rn. She literally always feels like this giant aggressive irrational animal wreaking havoc in a tiny store full of glass

And she does break everything. Yes. My old house was old af and a lot of stuff (the floors) were falling apart. But not stuff we bought - the sink the cabinets the fridge the oven the microwave ect. She slams bangs and hits things. Stomps around. Breaks everything. Breaking stuff we had kept in good condition for years. I cried one time cause i came down to the kitchen snd saw she broke the glass on the cabinet for the dishes… everything… she broke everything.

She trashed my room. We put a lock on it to keep her out. Shes taking advantage of my mom to now go in my room and leave trash in there assuming that everyones too upset to fight her on it. My aunts gonna lock it back up when she visits tuesday so i guess my mothers not gonna send my package because now that shes set foot in my room she feels entitled to it

Thats another thing she does. If she asks you for a favor and you do it. If you say no the next time shell attack you and scream and rage and fight you because she takes it as granted the second you say yes to something ONCE

And it’s stressful calling her and her wanting me to baby her (rn that shes sick and thinks she need to go to the hospital. Before with her drugs)

Maybe shed get more sympathy from me if she didn’t literally do this to me since i was A CHILD

She stole my breakfast in kindergarten. She still thinks that was ok because her. An adult. Didnt have someone taking care of her and giving her food so i, a 5 year old, could just eat later!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #315

“can’t breathe to scream  /  suffocating in this dream  /  long way down”

Who was your first big crush? I would probably say this guy in high school named Sebastian. We sat beside each other in Art, and I definitely liked him a lot. Man, my freshman-sophomore years honestly involved a handful of crushes before Jason popped into the picture and I lost all romantic interest in everyone else. Where was the first place you drove after you got your license? N/A Is it a blue sky outside right now? No. All North Carolina has known for weeks on end now is rain. We've had very rare sunny days, but for the most part, it's just gray and gross. Was your last breakup a bad one? Nah, I'd say it ended maturely and with a mutual understanding of "why." When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Hell if I know. Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Yeah, like strawberry. What was the last sitcom you watched? No clue. ^ Do you have a favorite character in that sitcom? Why is that character your favorite? N/A What does the last group you joined on Facebook concern? I am 90% sure it was this group I joined that is literally just about cute yet dangerous animals lmao, mostly reptiles and invertebrates. "Misunderstood biteybois and where to befriemd them" or some stupid shit like that. Has there been a spider in your house at any time recently? Not that I've seen, no. Do you like wearing make-up? Not at all. I only like wearing it for pictures and then taking that shit off. ^ If so, how old were you when you first started to wear it? I started consistently wearing it my freshman year of high school. Then some time later I just showed up one day without any, shocked all my friends, and then only wore it when I felt like it. What foods are you craving lately, if any? Nothing, really. What were some of your favorite foods as a child? Chicken nuggets of course, as well as spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, just the typical stuff that kids tend to enjoy. When you were younger, did you ever have a friend that your parents hated? No. Have you ever talked in your sleep before? That's very normal for me, especially now that I have nightmares like every goddamn night. What was the last song you heard, that reminded you of someone? Well, not a real someone, but "The Ordinary World" by the Hit House is 110% one of Fetch's soon-to-be themes. What has brought you joy today? Nothing brought me "joy," really. When was the last time you won a prize in a raffle? What was it? I actually recently won an art rafle on deviantART hosted by a truly amazing artist, like I thought I had no chance, and she's going to be drawing Moondust!!!! :'''') What is the next non-essential item that you intend to buy for yourself? I'm still paying the bulk of my tattoo in May. Is there anywhere in your town/city that's rumored to be haunted? Oh, I'm sure. When you were younger, did you ever think that a certain place was haunted? Bitch I still do lmao. What were your school meals like? Did you enjoy them? This really depended on the menu for the day. My school lunches were nowhere near as bad as some people make theirs sound, but most things still weren't great. I think school pizzas are the most notoriously bad. What kind of granola bar did you eat most recently? I had a cashew bar earlier today. Do you have any books on your shelf that you've read multiple times? I never reread books. What did your last post on social media concern? That I personally wrote, something regarding subtle racism still being racism, pretty much. How do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: PETA, abortion…) I have mixed feelings on this. Like sometimes seeing the brutal side of certain things is definitely useful in opening someone's mind to things they don't want to see/think about, but then there's that, too: it can just be so invasive and unexpected, and thus very upsetting and even scarring. I'd say I'm most for the "appropriate" social media route: using censorship that the viewer can decide whether or not to remove. But you obviously can't do that in like, a public protest with a sign, so idk. Which is harder for you: writing creatively or academically? Honestly, both are pretty easy for me. I enjoy writing creatively far more, though. Do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea? I think it's fine to have them as an option. When was the last time you voluntarily went outside of your comfort zone? Just talking about stuff in group therapy recently. Would you ever use a dating site that costs money, like Match.com or eHarmony? Have you known anyone who had good experience with such sites? No, and yes. Do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making YouTube videos? Yes? It takes charisma and talent in some area (humor, education, etc.) as well as consistency for it to be a reliable career, and just consider how often you hear about creators burning out. That happens for a reason. Entertainment is a valid job category and should not be seen as an unfair joke. Whether you’re in college or not, do you become fearful about whether or not you’ll find a good job? Story of my life. What is something you can only understand if you've experienced it first hand? Deep heartbreak. Do you think it's a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it's assault? Obviously. Abuse knows no gender, and hitting another person is just that. I do, however, believe in self-defense, also regardless of gender. In terms of a wedding, put these things in order from what would be MOST important to be perfect, to LEAST important... Engagement ring, dress, hair, venue, ceremony, food, pictures, decorations, honeymoon. This requires too much thinking, haha... but I do know the quality of my honeymoon would be most important to me, given that that's personal time with my new spouse and not a public celebration. I feel like what goes on behind closed doors is more important and heartfelt than how you act publicly. Do you have a go-to small talk conversation topic? Probably video games or music, idk. Define "small talk." Does anyone owe you money? Do you owe anyone money? (Besides credit cards) Mom does. She just a few days ago had to borrow $100 for rent. If someone was going to buy you any practical gift (anything except a house or car), what would you choose? It'd be dope as fuck if someone could pay for Venus' next terrarium, but that's a big purchase that I'd have a hard time accepting. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? At least one, but her name is spelled differently. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? I'm not sure, but I can tell you that "When It's Love" by Van Halen has always been high on the list for me. Was your mother married when she had you? No, actually. I thought she was until my most recent bday, I think. It was just part of a conversation. How old was the first person you kissed? He was a few months into 18. The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? Of course, he's a sweet guy. We don't talk or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. Has anyone ever sang to you? Yes. So, what if you married the last person you kissed? That'd be pretty rad. What are you listening to at the moment? "Long Way Down" from the The Evil Within soundtrack. It's funny, like I've loved the game for many years, but I'm now in a serious semi-obsession phase after watching another let's play of it. Have you read the The Hunger Games trilogy? I only read the first book. I loved it, but just never continued. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Who is the person you dislike the most? That I personally know, probably a former best friend, oddly enough. Do you text your parents often? If Mom's not home, it's not unusual for us to text. I don't text my dad much because he's not a fan of texting. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Pretty much always. Do you know anyone with celiac disease? Sara, my aunt, and my cousin. Those are the ones I know of, anyway. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. If someone else is here, they usually just park where the road meets the sidewalk of the cul-de-sac. Do you have the ashes of a family member or a pet? Of my dog Teddy, yes. Have you ever been involved in a car crash? Yes, as a kid. Do you prefer flash or no flash on a camera? Definitely no flash. It's more natural, and especially with people, it obviously prevents red eye. How often do you use hashtags? Just about never. Have you ever had whiplash before? No. Have you ever given another person or an animal a bath before? Pets, yes. I could never bathe another human. Is there a birdbath in your yard? No. Weirdest place you’ve ever had a cramp? Nowhere weird, I think... How many lamps are in the room you’re in? How many are actually turned on? Technically three, if you count my snake's heat lamp. Right now that's the only light that's on. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Yeah, reading comes to mind first. Is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? I'm not up-to-date on this stuff at all, not even video games. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? I know Girt's recommended me music I haven't been a fan of. We like the same general stuff, but there are specific sub-genres we differ in opinion about. Can you unwrap a Starburst in your mouth? ... There are people who do this to even know in the first place??? What is the last thing you ate? Popcorn. Who is your favorite person to spend time with? Sara. Do you know how to grill a steak? I don't know how to cook, period. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog currently, but Mom is looking for one pretty intently. We don't know the size it'll end up being. Do you like walking places? Absolutely not. I can't walk far at all without my legs starting to scream at me because leading such a sedentary lifestyle led to muscle atrophy in my legs. It's incredibly embarrassing. Are you a fan of bands most people don’t know of? That's not uncommon for me. Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It's deeper than the average woman's. Do you have a pool? No, but I really, really want one... Given how easily I sweat, I would love to use swimming to strengthen my legs. I could also stop the very moment I feel I need to; it in general sounds like something I could quite easily do. How many times have you been on a plane? Ummm including the trips going back, at least six times. Favorite ice cream flavor? Oh my gooooood, if you haven't tried Ben & Jerry's "phish food"... fucking try that shit. It is innnnnncredible. Do you have a TikTok? Nope. Do you enjoy driving? Fuck no I don't. Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic was and still is my fave, ha. Favorite YouTuber? There's this one called Markiplier that I think's pretty cool. How many online accounts do you have? A LOT. My whole life is essentially on the computer, so... .-. Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? Quite the opposite. Do you collect quarters from every state? No. When was the last time your living room furniture was rearranged? Not since we moved into this place. When you were little did you like watching Cartoon Network, Disney or Nickelodeon more? Disney probably topped Nickelodeon. I didn't watch much CN. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Either my niece or nephew when saying bye. Have you ever seen a magic show? Yes, as a kid. I even had a magician for my bday once. When was the last time you vomited and why? It's been a year or so. It would've been a side effect of starting a certain med that I didn't stay on because it so consistently made me sick. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Either in my bed (I know) or at the dinner table if Nicole is here to eat with us. What time do you usually go to sleep at night? It's typically around 7:30-8:30, occasionally a bit later. I can't believe as a teen, it was my "rule" that I couldn't go to sleep before 10:30 because it was "too early." Nowadays, I can barely imagine regularly staying up that late. Do you avoid using public restrooms? As best as I can. I've seen some nasty shit. What’s your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. How basic.

[keichanz]

just a brief rant

i keep seeing all of those stupid posts about people giving shit to landlords and pompously saying they’re not going to pay rent because they are out of a job. and okay, fine, i completely understand that. i myself have been recently laid off, and the prospect of paying rent when you no longer have an income is fucking terrifying, to be frank. sure, unemployment is a thing now because there’s no wait list, or so i hear, but still. it’s not the same thing. 

but i just read a post about some people arguing that landlords are people too with bills, and that the pandemic is not their fault, while others were providing counter arguments about “oh they should have prepared for this, dip into their savings, get a real job blah blah blah” and i got annoyed enough where i wanted to share my own thoughts.

my dad is retired. he worked for the county for thirty plus years as a correctional officer at our local jail and he deserves to finally get out of that toxic environment. he literally counted down the days last year until his last day and we threw him a little celebration. he was ready and more than happy to retire. 

my dad is also a landlord. he has three properties, including the house he and my mom live in. now since he is retired, his property business is a major factor in my parent’s income. my mom, thank god, still has her job because it’s essential; she works at a doctor’s office as a receptionist. her pay is above average, but it’s definitely not enough to support two grown adults with numerous expenses and bills. 

right now, without factoring in my dad’s tenants paying rent, my mother’s job is the only income they are receiving right now. do you know how fucking terrifying that is? i live half an hour away from them so i don’t see them everyday, and i have no idea if my dad is receiving rent from any of his tenants. i have no idea their financial circumstances right now, and it terrifies me. 

now my dad does have a side business, sort of, by fixing computers, but that’s not very reliable income. it’s more of a hobby than anything with the added bonus of people forking over some money for my dad to eradicate a virus on a computer created from watching porn on sketchy sites. i’m not exaggerating, more than half the time it’s from people going on sites and downloading anime and porn. i’m not even kidding.

my dad is one of the most generous people i know, also one of the best landlords. my mom often jokes but sometimes she’s serious that he can’t say no to his tenants. he’s a good handyman and fixes up all of his properties by himself. if he can’t do something himself, then he’ll call a professional. but the majority of renovations and mechanical work is done by himself.  so whenever one of his tenants calls complaining about something, he’ll go at a drop of a hat and fix it himself. he’s got a lot of know-how and i admit, i always call him first when i have a problem with my own house. 

my dad is an understanding man, and he’s let one of his tenants go without paying rent for several months before because she was out of a job. i actually think she’s still paying back rent, but i can’t be sure. 

anyway, i’m rambling. the point of this post is, i agree with those people who were saying that landlords are not at fault. because they’re not. many, many landlords are retired like my dad, and their status as a landlord may very well be their only income. some may be too old to find another job, maybe some have small children and don’t have the time, and some may not have the physical capabilities. 

what i’m trying to say is, you don’t know the circumstances of any landlords out there, so i don’t think anybody has any goddamn right to tell them to find another job or whatever. because many of them can’t. it’s not fair to them that they are getting all of this shit for something that is literally out of their hands. this pandemic is not their fault. asking for rent amidst this craziness is not asking for too much, because it may very well be their only income. they are just trying to make ends meet like anybody else. what is so bad about that?

so stop giving shit to landlords. they are doing their best to cope with the circumstances of this national emergency, just like anybody else. how can you possibly tell someone to prepare for something that nobody could have ever predicted? this is like a once in a lifetime thing that’s happening right now. that’s not fair to them. don’t blame them for something that is entirely out of their control. 

landlords are NOT at fault. if you can’t pay rent, fucking talk to your landlord. if he/she still demands rent, do NOT attack them, calm your ass, and remember that he/she can’t evict you because of that law/bill or whatever that was passed.  i’m tired of seeing posts about people hating on business owners when there’s nothing they can do about it. 

it’s like going to burger king, asking for a big mac, receiving a whopper, and then going to mcdonald’s and screaming that your order is wrong: one, you look like a ridiculous asshole, and two, they. had. nothing. to. do. with. it. 

get the picture? good.

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 3x04 Chapter Forty-Eight

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Stray thoughts

1)   I usually cut Xiomara some slack, but this whole flashback where “Jane leaves the nest” because her mother just got a new boyfriend and is taking her kid to leave with him? Yeah, that makes her look bad, in my opinion. It’s one of those things that the show does to shoehorn a theme and make it relevant throughout Jane’s life… but it makes it look like Xiomara took her kid to live at a stranger’s house because he had a pool? If he had been a significant person in their lives, we surely would’ve heard about him before, right?

Other than that, I think it’s an interesting premise to dive into how Jane leaving will affect everyone else.

2)   Rogelio wants to star in one of those Hallmark Christmas movies that my mom loves watching and that make me cringe so badly in order to raise his American profile, and is this the right move for you, Rogelio, my dude? I don’t think so. There must be some other way.

3)   What is this douchebag turning the Marbella into, for fuck’s sake?

4)   Anezka/Petra just told Jane she doesn’t like her and never has, and it kind of feels good?

Are you really that surprised, Jane?

5)   So… Petra’s silent contribution to Jane’s rent could be the thing that reveals “Petra” is actually Anezka, right? I mean, Petra is the one who made the deal and Anezka has no idea about it – just like she didn’t know about the argument between Jane and Petra had before the wedding – and hence, she hasn’t been paying Jane’s rent. If she’s confronted about it, though, she could pretend and say she just stopped paying because of the argument, right? How long can they keep Petra paralyzed, though? How come no one realizes Petra is not really Petra? To be honest, if I was her, I’d feel terrible knowing literally NO ONE notices I’m gone.

6)   Truer words have never been spoken…

7)   First, Rob Lowe. Now, Rafael. Rogelio’s ego is getting destroyed lately.

8)   Was that… a spark?

By the way, no wonder both Jane and Xiomara are so entitled and somewhat irresponsible. Alba just brought an old lady in a wheelchair to the Marbella just because she fancied seeing her granddaughter. Sure, lady, suit yourself. Do whatever you want while you’re on the clock.

9)   She’s not wrong.

Of course she should be supportive, but I honestly can’t think of a more ill-fitted job for Xiomara than bank teller. I give her a day.

10) It’s America, so it sounds legit.

11) Jane was close to figuring it out when “Petra” said she bought the house when in fact she rented it, but then she pulled the ��I stopped paying because of our fight.” Instead of getting busted, she got an invite to Jane and Michael’s housewarming party.

12) On the plus side, Magda’s prison buddy just showed up and pressured Petra into following through with their plan and sell the Marbella shares or else she’ll reveal her true identity. Anezka is not an idiot, though, she couldn’t have managed to full everyone FOR MONTHS if she were.  

13) So… now that Petra’s not paying half of their rent, Michael and Jane have to cut their budget to pay for those thousand bucks. After a lot of debating, Jane suggests they should just go ask Rogelio for the rest, promising to pay him back. And while I think that’s okay, I feel it’s a bit OOC for Jane to come to that decision so quickly. She’s very proud and doesn’t like asking for help, especially when it comes to money. Although… since she’s rubbing shoulders with Rafael and Rogelio she’s occasionally taken advantage of the good life they can provide for her, so there’s also that. Is it OOC or is it completely in character?

14) Okay, now that Petra has told Rafael that she wants to sell her shares, he’s starting to notice there’s something fishy.

YES!

….

15) Weird dinner party does not go well, shocks no one.

16) Not only did Xiomara last only a day, but she actually pretended to like the job before admitting to her mother that she was right. But she’s not even good at pretending because she got caught immediately, and humiliatingly. Regardless, all I can think is about the poor old lady being wheeled around the city because Alba just doesn’t give a fuck about her job.

17) Michael figured Jane lied to him about one of the items on their budget, and to be frank, I’m on his side? Jane is keeping information from him as if he was a child who can’t manage his own money, but he’s got a point. She’s been living at her grandma’s house her whole life, her dad pays for her school, Rafael covers most of Mateo’s expenses, and she “survives” on what I can only assume is a part-time job – since she’s barely at the Marbella. So she might not agree with his filing system, but he’s definitely had more experience being financially independent than she has.

18) Ouch! Jane turned down Scott’s bribe, but Lina took it? Behind Jane’s back? And screwing everyone over because of it? That’s awful!

19) OMG Rogelio is babysitting the moron and why are we having these two interact with each other just now?

20) I really enjoyed the scenes where fantasy young Jane helped Alba navigate her relationship with Xiomara since she always was the glue that stuck that family together. I think the writers nailed this one. It was a great way to show that despite Jane not living with them anymore, her influence lingers, and they both have become better persons because of it. That’s a lasting impact that doesn’t simply go away.

It led to Xiomara and Alba having one of their most honest and mature conversations in a while – Alba encouraging Xiomara to take her time finding out what she likes and Xiomara encouraging Alba to go look for her own passion now that she has her green card.  

21) Is Rogelio going to help the moron or break her? Either way, I’m in!

22) Rafael is getting slightly assaulted, isn’t he?

23) Both, I think. He’s breaking her to help her. I hope.

I'm a terrible sister and that's why I want to drink, so that I don't feel this. (…) Because all I do is cause Rafael pain. And I think my ex-lover killed his mother. (…)  I just feel so bad, you know? My brother doesn't deserve this. No matter how many times I've failed him, he's always been there for me. And then now that he has no family, I still can't pull it together and be there for him.

Leave it to Rogelio to make me not only tolerate the most unlikable character in this show but also feel for her.

That being said, I can understand that this is why she wants to drink now, but there must be another reason why she started drinking in the first place.  

24) Why do I continue to be surprised at Rogelio being the best character in this whole show? Not only did he give the moron the best advice anyone has ever given her (“Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”) but he also helped her decide to go to preventative rehab. And then! He told Rafael that he truly is a good person and that he should’ve seen that earlier. And after Rafael told him he was probably not getting the part in the Hallmark movie, he simply shrugged it off and said that Rafael was more important than that. I just want to hug Rogelio forever, he’s such a lovely, wholesome man!

25) It’s not a telenovela without a catfight, right?

26) Jane and Michael finally decided to move to a smaller place until they can actually afford to move back to a bigger one. And then the narrator dropped this bit of foreshadowing…

And friends, they really believed that would happen... but we're not there yet.

Ugh, what does this mean? Will they break up? Will Michael die for real? Please tell me Jane is not getting back together with Rafael because I will culcutabitch! What other reason could there be for them not to follow through with their plans? 

27) Okay, Alba just got a job at the gift shop, so I’m guessing the spark I saw is actually there.

28) “Angels guard the sun”. Those are the words that were underlined in the Bible Rafael’s mother was clutching when she was murdered. I will not try to figure this one out, but I hope it’s something smart.

29) Anezka is fucking ruthless. She demanded Rafael give her permission to sell her shares AND that he sign his own shares over to her.

30) FINALLY!

Ya think?!

But... Of all the things, this is what gave her away? Okay, I guess…

31) While I don’t feel this is one of the most iconic episodes of this show, it was still pretty enjoyable. I especially liked the Xiomara/Alba scenes and development as well as everything Rogelio as always, particularly how he managed to be the first person to make the moron seem human. I’m very excited at the prospect of having Petra back, although I have no idea how they’re going to give closure to the whole Anezka/Magda plot. We’ll see what happens!

32) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

[occasionalfics]

hi so i haven’t made any real posts in a while bc i haven’t really been writing that much but i wanted to just post SOMETHING for y’all to interact with

anyway, if you don’t know, i have a youtube channel and i’ve been watching (almost) every movie that chris evans is in because i love him and reviewing them for my channel and i thought i’d give a rundown of the movies i’ve seen so far (including ones i haven’t rewatched for the channel yet because i’m not gonna link to the videos - if you really want to watch, message me) so maybe you could decide which ones are worth your time and/or money 😂

for this, i’ll give a brief description, my general thoughts, and a score from 1-10 (1 being unwatchable and 10 being PEAK cinema)

i’m keeping things very light on spoilers, meaning there might be one or two overall but not for every movie.

so here we go:

The Newcomers (2000) - some indie movie with no theatrical release about a family that moves from boston to vermont because of money troubles. chris is in it for like 5 minutes and he’s honestly the second best part (second to a dog only). 3/10, mostly boring but not offensive.

Not Another Teen Movie (2001) - i feel like everyone has seen this. it’s a spoof of 80′s and 90′s teen movies (namely she’s all that and cruel intentions). chris plays the main love interest and he’s definitely funny enough to pull off the part but it’s not really my thing. 4/10.

The Perfect Score (2004) - this is the first time chris and sc*rj* worked together. 6 high school kids fail the SATs so instead of retaking them, they sneak into a government building and steal the answers. it’s an mtv movie and it’s...fine? not great, not special, but...very early aughts mtv for sure. 4/10

Cellular (2004) - an action flick where chris plays a regular dude who gets a call from a woman who’s been kidnapped, and then has to keep communications up with her in order to save her and take down some corrupt cops. surprisingly funny, i had a great time watching, would recommend! 7/10

Fierce People (2005) - i think this was another indie movie without a theatrical release. based on a book that, from the reviews of both, is identical, i think because the author of the book was also the screenplay writer. and that’s probably why this movie sucked. bby anton yelchin (rip) gets caught scoring drugs for his mom, and because she has connections to this super rich dude, they end up going to live in new jersey with his weirdass family instead of bby anton going to jail. chris’s character is not who you think he is. content warnings for drugs, rape, and murder. overall boring, not what it thinks it is, 4/10

Fantastic Four (2005) - okay everyone’s seen these. i actually hate both of these FF movies, but chris as johnny storm is the only shinning light in either. reed is the WORST and sue is treated like eye candy. 4/10 for johnny storm alone.

London (2005) - literally the worst movie i have ever seen. i hate london. also an indie movie, very misogynistic, very pretentious and self-important. lonely emo boy does drugs with random people in a bathroom at a party he was not invited to INTENTIONALLY, in the hopes that he will win over his ex girlfriend, who he repeatedly emotionally abused while they were together, even though the party is literally in honor of her moving across the country. and she didn’t want him there. please never, ever bother watching london and talking about it online - fuckbois will attempt to tell you that you know nothing repeatedly. 1/10, worst film ever made.

TMNT (2007) - does this need an introduction? chris plays casey, but the movie’s really about the turtles. honestly the writing kind of relies on you knowing a lot about the turtle lore and overall it’s a boring but ultimately harmless film. it’s just really not worth your time. 2/10

Sunshine (2007) - ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN, I HAVE NOT  STOPPED THINKING ABOUT SUNSHINE IN OVER A YEAR. 8 astronauts are on a mission to ignite a nuclear bomb into the dying heart of our sun. but it’s a space film so shit goes wrong and, one by one, they start dying. very tense, very sad. the biggest complaint all around is that the first 2/3s of the movie are one genre and the last 3rd is a completely different movie, and yet it’s STILL amazing. please watch (if you can handle a space thriller)! 8/10

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) - a very bad follow up to a very bad origin movie. not even andre braugher could save this one. reed is really mean to johnny for no reason and i hate his guts. 3/10

The Nanny Diaries (2007) - second time appearing alongside sc*rj*. she’s the main character. an anthropology student takes on a nannying job for an upperclass family in new york, but the job ends up being more than she bargained for. chris plays harvard hottie, her upstairs neighbor who is THE BEST BOY. i loved this movie. 8/10

Battle for Terra (2007) - a very weird but very good animated movie about humans attempting to colonize an alien planet because we were stupid enough to destroy earth, venus, and mars. lots of big names on the cast list for a movie that not many people saw, but it goes ham in the “fuck colonizers” theme. overall, a surprising joy. 6.5/10

Street Kings (2008) - well this was directed by david ayer so my friend and i went into this with very low expectations and it didn’t even meet that bar. keanu reeves plays a sad and angry corrupt cop who almost kind of gets framed for killing another cop, and then spends a good chunk of the runtime just hunting down other corrupt cops without doing anything about his own corruption. it’s copaganda, but very bad copaganda. also chris dies. fuck this movie, don’t waste your time. this is another one where the fanboys will come for you if you say a bad thing about it on the internet, 2/10

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond (2008) - another indie that apparently caught the eye of kevin fiege? i don’t really know why because chris’s character is very bland and the movie overall is nothing special. tennessee williams wrote the screenplay before he died in the 80′s and then this was made and nothing about it was changed. it’s basically straight people in the 20′s in the south being weird and rude. a rich girl pays a hot poor boy to escort her to parties after a huge scandal was caused by her father. she loves the poor boy but he doesn’t return the feelings and everyone’s sad, dying, or mean. skip it, honestly. 4/10

Push (2009) - honestly, an underrated movie that so often gets shit on because of x-men. push is so good! a telekinetic man meets a young girl who can see the future, who tells him that if he helps her find her mom, they’ll also come into $6 million. they run into his ex and the government department trying to control people with powers, and shit ensues. chris’s chemistry with dakota fanning as big brother/little sister is adorable and i need more people to talk about it. 8/10, very worth your time.

The Losers (2010) - apparently went up against some other star-studded action flick with a similar plot at the time of release and suffered for it, but other than that, this is a fun romp with lots of character. a team of militiamen are framed for an international scandal and forced to go underground until a mysterious woman helps them exact revenge on the billionaire who framed them so they can go back to their families. chris plays one of the secondary characters and he’s PERFECT. best character in the whole movie! you’ve probably seen the “don’t stop believing”/”lethal killing machine” scene around tumblr before - that’s just how his character is the whole movie and it’s great. definitely recommend! 7/10

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) - we’ve all seen it. lucas lee is the best. there are lots of problems in the word choice and some of the moral quandaries but overall, an enjoyable ode to videogames and comic books. 6.5/10

Puncture (2011) - once again, an indie film with very little theatrical release. WHOOOH though. this movie. SO GOOD! two personal injury lawyers take on a case when a nurse is accidentally pricked on the job and contracts AIDS. they take on a huge pharmaceutical supply company in the hopes of manufacturing and creating a legal standard for using safety needles to protect frontline medical workers, all while chris’s character is dealing with being an addict. based on a true story, honestly   one of chris’s best performances (and that’s across the board). you can  rent it cheap from youtube and it’s totally worth it. 7.5/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - i mean. it’s cap. honestly this movie feels a little long even though it’s not. overall it’s a good, enjoyable movie and watching it all the way through reminded me of why bucky was so important. 7/10

What's Your Number? (2011) - okay honestly i love this movie? a woman is slutshamed by her sister’s friends and then embarks on a journey through her past relationships to find her soulmate, only to realize that it doesn’t matter how many men she’s slept with because the right one really won’t give a damn and neither should she. everyone’s seen naked collin around tumblr. he’s a good boy. mostly. 7/10

The Avengers (2012) - so i can appreciate that this was like THE event movie of the summer of 2012 but it is LONG and there’s still so much spy shit i don’t understand. my friends and i also think that j*ss wh*d*n oversimplifies most of the characters, and ultimately the writing isn’t super strong. the performances are, for sure, but it’s still not as great of a movie as i thought it was when i was a senior in high school. 7/10

The Iceman (2012) - also an indie? based on a true story. a man (played by michael shannon) is recruited by the mob to be a hitman, and then something happens where they don’t want to pay him or something, so he starts doing a shady job with another hitman (played by chris) to support his family. overall it’s a boring film but michael and chris were both really good! watch it if you like dark mob movies, michael shannon, or winona ryder. 3/10

Snowpiercer (2013) - this movie, no pun intended, is a RIDE. poor people at the back of a train containing the last living human beings revolt against the bourgeoise. everyone’s dirty and tired and hungry. weird shit happens, but ultimately, this was SO worth the watch (and the money i spent on the blu-ray)!  7/10

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - still my favorite cap movie. excellent characterization, maybe the only time i cared about natasha. the plot should be an avengers movie given that shield is a team concern, but i will stand by the winter soldier aspect of this movie til i die. 8/10

Before We Go (2014) - an indie movie that chris directed (his directorial debut)! it’s...cute, i guess. it’s not harmful in any way, but also not special in any way. flustered woman misses her train, cute musician in the station offers to help her navigate NYC. they talk about feelings and their pasts and what they’re running from and toward. it’s fine. 6/10

Playing It Cool (2014) - indie? i don’t know?? screenplay writer (chris) wants to write action films but keeps getting hired to write romcoms, then he finds himself IN a romcom. it’s okay. some people think it’s terribly misogynistic which i didn’t find it to be, but it’s also just...kinda bland. 4/10

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - my least favorite avengers movie. i genuinely hate how ultron was handled and this movie has never once made me sympathize with the maximoffs. except for when steve defends their choice to allow experimentation to be done so they could defend their country. uh the party at the beginning is the best part, full stop. 3/10

Captain America: Civil War (2016) - this isn’t a cap film. he has no character growth. this is an avengers film at best. i also take issue with how much of this movie is really just two movies forced into one. bucky gets the short end of the deal in the overall mcu and this is really where that starts. 5/10

Gifted (2017) - PLEASE. WATCH. GIFTED. a former philosophy professor gives up his career to raise his niece, but when his mother attempts to gain custody, he has to fight for the person he loves most in the world. one of the most heartfelt, genuine movies ever. chris and mckenna grace have SUCH good chemistry. bonus octavia spencer (also in snowpiercer). 10/10

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - probably my favorite avengers movie. great stakes. amazing acting. THE BEARD!!! 8/10

Knives Out (2019) - WHOOO BITCH. TOP TIER. ransom drysdale could do whatever he wants to me and normally, i don’t “date” villains. 9/10

Endgame (2019) - the lesser infinity war. i’m not a fan of time jumps and also hate fatphobia. thor was mistreated and i can’t forgive that.

[tell-me-when-ur-ready]

This Thing Called Love (part three)

Summary: When Shawn meets dancer Kellie in Toronto, he falls for her—hard. But Kellie has an invisible disability and thinks it’s impossible that someone could really love her the way she is.

Author’s note: I have multiple chronic illnesses that are similar to Kellie’s, but I don’t have the same exact health conditions she does. I’ve done lots of research, but I apologize if I get anything wrong!

Warnings: tiny bit of language

Word count: 1,600

Shawn’s texts didn’t stop when Kellie went home to Atlanta, a second-place win under her belt. A week after she’d gotten settled back in the small apartment she shared with two roommates, both dance majors at a local university, he texted her again.

It was early in the morning, 8 AM, but Kellie could already tell she wouldn’t be getting out of bed that day. The remnants of a migraine plus three days of barely eating anything due to nausea had her down for the count, in bed with Netflix and her roommate’s cat.

When her phone dinged, she expected it to be her boss; outside of teaching dance, Kellie nannied for a family with two kids, and she’d just texted the mom to tell her she couldn’t make it today. I’m not feeling well, Kellie had said—an understatement, considering she could barely stand the light from her computer screen and she was so weak she didn’t know if she could walk to the kitchen and make herself food.

But the display said Shawn Mendes (something that would’ve made Kellie pinch herself, if she’d had the energy—she would definitely win a game of “who’s the most famous person in your phone”). Swiping the screen revealed the full text, which was just three words: Check your email.

Curious, Kellie opened her email and waited for it to load. At the top of her inbox was an official invitation to be part of Shawn’s music video for his new song. She scrolled slowly through the email; it detailed payment, location, timeframe, costume, the vision for the choreography, and everything else she needed to know. With every word, Kellie felt herself getting more excited. This was what she’d always wanted, what she desperately needed—a chance to prove herself, to become a professional dancer and begin earning real money doing what she loved.

 And then she shook herself back into reality. She was disabled. She had complications from Celiac disease. She had chronic migraines. This was the third day in a row she’d spent right here, in bed, not feeling well enough to do literally anything else. How did she think she could commit to filming a whole freaking music video—something where she had to show up in top form, ready to dance for hours under someone else’s schedule and direction? Her body didn’t work that way; Kellie needed to make her own schedule, to go at her own pace, to be free to rest when her body needed to rest. And up until now, she’d been fortunate to find jobs that were willing to accommodate her disability.

 But the real world didn’t work that way.

 Kellie locked her phone and slid back under the covers.

 ***

 Kellie didn’t tell anyone about Shawn until well over a week after she got home. When she’d arrived back in Atlanta, her roommates and friends had asked her how the dance competition was and what she did in Toronto, and she’d said she won second place in her division (dancing to Shawn’s song, not that that was relevant) and explored the city’s coffee shops when she was feeling well enough. Which was all true. She’d just omitted one tiny, enormous detail. Kellie didn’t really know why she hadn’t told anyone about Shawn; she’d half expected paparazzi photos to appear the next morning and do the job for her. But they didn’t, and then she was busy navigating her feelings—not that she had feelings, because it was just a professional relationship, or it was until he’d started texting her so often—and somehow she’d just never gotten around to it.

 But now she needed advice. And now, her roommates were going to kill her.

 The following Monday morning, finally recovered from her latest migraine and feeling decent, Kellie was in the apartment kitchen making a smoothie to take to work. It was early June now and today was the kickoff for weeks of summer dance camp at the studio where she worked, six hours a day of more or less just babysitting a dozen eight-year-olds in tutus.

 Her roommates Mackenzie and Shelby walked into the kitchen at the same time, Mackenzie dressed for a summer dance intensive and Shelby on her way to work at the local Gap.

 “I have something to tell you,” Kellie said, shutting off the blender and turning to face them before she lost her nerve.

 Mackenzie’s eyes immediately opened wide. “Oh my God. You’re moving out. You got a new diagnosis. You’re pregnant?!”

 “Pretty sure you have to actually look at a boy to get pregnant,” Shelby said, and Kellie snapped a dishtowel at her.

 “Stop it. This is serious; I need advice. But first, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Okay?”

  “Oka-a-ay,” Mackenzie said, wrinkling her forehead. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

 Kellie ignored her and plowed ahead. “Okay, so when I was in Toronto, well, I didn’t tell you everything that actually happened there. I have an opportunity to be in a music video, but I’m not sure if I should do it.”

 “But that’s so cool!” Shelby exclaimed. “That’s what you’ve been wanting! A chance to dance professionally. I mean, if it’s for a real singer and not just some low-budget thing?”

 “It is,” Kellie said. She knew what Shelby meant; she’d definitely gotten lots of offers in the past to dance in a music video being produced in someone’s garage. It would be great “exposure,” she’d been told. Maybe, but exposure didn’t pay her rent or her medical bills.

 Mackenzie leaned on her elbows on the island. “So, why would you not do it then?”

 “You know,” Kellie said, slumping back against the counter. “My health. Sometimes I just don’t know if being a professional dancer is actually a reality for me. I can’t sign a contract saying I’ll dance and then not show up the day of the shoot because I’m in bed with a migraine.”

 “Would you have to fly to Toronto to do it?” Mackenzie asked, and Kellie nodded. Travel—long restless days with lots of noise and people and unfamiliar food—made her health problems flare up.

 Shelby had been quietly moving around the kitchen as they spoke, putting a bagel in the toaster oven, taking it out, buttering it with a knife.

 “I think you should try,” she said finally. “I mean, yes, your health will probably be an issue. But it’s probably always going to be an issue, yanno? So why wait? Just explain things to them and maybe they’ll work with you.”

 Kellie shrugged, fidgeting with the frayed edge of the dishtowel in her hand.

 “Is the singer anybody I would have heard of?” Shelby asked casually, and Kellie cringed. This was the part where they were going to kill her.

 “Um… yeah,” Kellie said, and Shelby raised her eyebrows, waiting. “Um—it’s Shawn Mendes.”

 There was a loud bang as Mackenzie slapped both palms on the island. “Shawn freaking Mendes?” she shrieked. “No way! You got invited to be in his music video? That’s amazing! Did someone on his team see your In My Blood dance at the competition? That’s how they found you?”

 Kellie let out a whoosh of breath. “Um, actually, I ran into him. And he just asked me. And then, he kept texting me… and we went to lunch… and a couple of days ago he sent me the official email about the video.”

 “HOLD up,” Mackenzie practically shouted. “You went to LUNCH? With SHAWN MENDES?! SHAWN FUCKING MENDES? Have you SEEN his Calvin Klein ad?”

 Shelby was giggling, seeming much more unbothered about Kellie’s revelation. “Only you, Kellie, would go to Toronto and go out to dinner with Shawn Mendes,” she said.

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kellie said, as Mackenzie continued her conniptions. “My life is boring. I don’t know why he asked me to lunch, and I wasn’t even going to go, but I did. I don’t know why I went or—”

 “I’ll show you why,” Mackenzie shouted from the other side of the kitchen. Kellie tuned her out.

 “So,” she said to Shelby. “You think I should try?”

 Shelby took the dishtowel from Kellie’s hands and held it up. The edge she’d been fiddling with was completely frayed now, hanging down in strings.

 “Yes. I think you should,” she said firmly. “And I think you should stop worrying so much.”

 Mackenzie was crossing the kitchen in purposeful strides, shoving her phone in Kellie’s face. “THAT’S why,” she shouted, and Kellie raised her eyebrows at the image of Shawn in his Calvins, abs on full view with that one little curl hanging over his forehead, practically smoldering at the camera.

 “Okay, okay,” Kellie said, pushing the phone away. “I know what he looks like. After all—” She paused, unable to resist a little teasing. “I went to lunch with him,” she finished with a smirk.

 Mackenzie threw up her hands. “Ho-ly crap, we are living in the future. What did you guys even talk about? Was it literally just the two of you? Where did you eat? Did he pay?”

 “Hey,” Shelby said suddenly, “we’re running late. We have to go. But tonight you’re going to tell us every word he said!”

 “Can I have his phone number?” Mackenzie cried, but then Shelby was shoving her out the door and they were gone.

 Laughing to herself, Kellie leaned back against the counter and picked up her phone, opening her email inbox. And then she opened the email from Shawn’s team and hit “reply.”

Taglist: @rosiemercy @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 

[isolctions]

for the development meme...talk abt how the vaughn family loves takima...what would they do if takima died? :'(

let’s get developmental

me: screaming internally. gets carried away.

it goes without saying that in a single parent household with six children where said single parent somehow made shit happen at the expense of her own free time, the vaughn siblings love the ever-loving fuck out of their mother. and honestly, without the attachment a child has to an attentive parent and all, they just really love and admire how good of a person takima is. she was like their ray of light, that little bit of sunshine when everything around them had been cloudy and stormy, and most of all, their mother was their hope. they love their mother more than they ever loved their father (given by the fact that many of them either don’t acknowledge having a father at all — save for soraya, because cartier vaughn literally isn’t her father biologically and she has limited memories of the man anyway, and the fact that all of the siblings call him directly by name. not even ‘my father’ or ‘my mother’s husband’ as methods of detachment, they just straight up call him cartier or a variety of curses damning him.), simply because she was just…warmth to them. so naturally, the first chance they got to show their appreciation to her after the passing of their father, they took it.

when aelita first started running errands for blu, the little ten dollar deposits rarely went towards herself. nearly all of them went to her mother, even when takima repeatedly refused to take it — granted, she thought her daughter had been earning the money legitimately by sweeping hair at a salon, she still refused to take her daughter’s money because she earned it herself. so aelita put it in their (nearly empty, on a good month) rainy day jar in the kitchen. then, when aelita graduated and started actually running drugs for blu, she would gift her mother with the receipt for the light bill, or paying overdue balances on their rent and utilities. damon eventually got into the habit as well, and it just became second nature to help their mother out every so often. after all, once cartier died, it was their mom who had taken up multiple double shifts and different jobs, often going days with only a few hours of sleep a week in order to keep them afloat and give them the necessities that they needed for school.

eventually, after takima cleaned her daughter’s room, stumbled upon a too-expensive suitcase filled with bills that she’s never even seen for herself before, it didn’t take long to figure out what her daughter really did for a living. and up until she was 25, takima still wasn’t all that thrilled about taking katya’s money — the new house, the new car, the bills paid and the mortgage settled and everything in between didn’t settle her soul, but time led her to understand her children’s choices. the one thing the woman asked was to leave ni’kyah vaughn out of it. completely. so they did.

now, spending time with their mother is prioritized over just about anything in their world. katya makes it a habit to spend as much time with her mother as possible now that they’re back on speaking terms, because having the world in her lap wasn’t worth much if her mother couldn’t reap the benefits of it right beside her. damon is constantly popping in on her with majesty and joziah when he’s available, because what kind of grandmother would she be if she didn’t get to spoil her babies every once in a while? reynelle does the same, though much of the time spent with her mother is to apologize for using the woman as free daycare in high school after having naima. soraya used to avoid family functions like a plague, because while the overprotective treatment as a child wasn’t entirely her fault, soraya wasn’t really a vaughn — but now, a full dinner table and a room full of jokes, laughter and love are the things she looks forward to after a long day of treating legitimate patients and sewing up those under katya’s affiliation. bakari used to equate looking out for their mother to spending money on frivolous things that the woman really didn’t like or need out of him, but slowly realized that just showing up was enough for her. thanksgivings and christmases in harlem and barbados were the things he took pride in giving her, even more so after the birth of his son. and ni’kyah, the crown jewel, is further away now with semesters spent enjoying a full ride to harvard, but it’s worth it if homecoming meant those homecooked meals and kisses on the cheek.

naturally, though, most of the vaughn siblings are in agreement about one thing: their mother was going to outlive them one day. that’s just the baseline expectation in an occupation and a lifestyle like theirs, and nothing was going to ever alter that outcome — so if takima were to die before they did? strangely, it’s something that they’ve never even had to think about. nobody wants to think about a future of burying their mother one day, and nobody should ever imagine a future of their mother burying them instead, but the vaughn siblings were more than content with the idea of things being the other way around. so the possibility of their mother dying before them would put a lot of things into perspective for the older children, specifically about their way of living. katya and damon already made a pact to retire from the game entirely should anything happen to their mother before them, just out of guilt and partial self preservation. reynelle already helped their mother secure some kind of financial aid to their youngest brother with the help of katya, and soraya and ni’kyah just sort of…expected it? with soraya being the youngest daughter and ni’kyah being the youngest son, they had the idea that living a life of normalcy would lead to something like this. for what it’s worth, i figure that takima’s passing would be something that she’s already made peace with, and in turn would convince her children to make peace with it as well. so it won’t be sudden.

[captain-ed-tucker]

The True Maniac

You are the chosen one, they say. You are meant to be the savior of the world, they say. All those words, they are my company every day, day after day, they follow me, stalk me, haunt me everyday of my life, it's almost insane. Wait...it IS  insane. Funny you should say that really cause ya know, I knew this gal the other day who had a hot ass and gosh she was cute and I could go on and on...oh...oops...I went on one of my rants again. I'm sorry. I'm rude. I should start again. My name is Johnny Lawrence and you are probably one of the voices and people that come through my head each and every day, you all keep me company, it's kinda sweet, but in a creepy way. But I'm the step son of Sid Weinburg, he's the CEO of Texaco and Time Warner, yes, that guy on TV that asks you for more subscriptions, that creepy greasy guy is my step dad, funny you should ask why the bloody hell am I related to that guy in the first place. Ah, it's a long story really, I hope you have patience cause I'm probably gonna ramble and ramble and go off on maniac induced episodes where my thoughts might not connect with my words and my stories may seem more fantastical than usual, it's all up to you to whether to believe me or not, I don't care if you don't, nobody has believed me in a long while.

You still here? Wow. I'm suprised, most voices and people tend to go away after awhile, you are creepy as hell, after my imaginary dead brother York, who by the way never existed, nor was ever born. I hope for the sake of my story, no York was ever born in San Francisco, it's highly unlikely, but hey, you never know.

Oh and by the way, I lost my girlfriend becuase of a BLIP, lost my title for the All Valley Championship cause I was concussed and dizzy and hallucinating, only to be fucking crane kicked in the face. But hey, at least I have a job as a Rad Tech and am living on my own, so ha! You can't call me a basement dweller since I live in a apartment all by myself overlooking the ocean and ninety percent of the time, I see tourists hanging out there taking selfies and making out like it is some sort of lover's nest. Ugh, I guess I get what I pay for...literally...I got this place on the cheap side with the help of AdBuddy since I could barely afford it on my own and rent is fucking up my savings, like C'mon, stop fucking me up here damn it! And not to mention the fact that my REAL step brother's trial Ryan Weinberg, who has been accused of sexual harassment at the workplace and I was named as a witness, my step dad wants me to lie on the stand...can I do that? I mean... that just feels so wrong, very wrong. Tell me I'm not the only one that I'm feeling this way, cause I have no idea what to do next.

Oh...great Jed is here, wait just a minute while I talk to him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh Johnny, just here to deliver your latest mission, the details will be soon revealed as you go."

"Don't you think this is not the right time?"

"Oh but it is."

"Oh and by the way, you will have a handler, she has a certain Jai sais ne qoui about her. You will know her when you see her...DON'T FUCK THIS UP!"

Okay...now Jed has left and I'm still stuck with you. You have this intense, scruffy look about you...I can tell you really are a curious person, you aren't like the others before...that's interesting. Most have tried to change me, give me orders or tell me that I'm chosen or some bullshit...some of those days I'm convinced of that bullshit and actually believing it, the scariest part is not hearing a lie, it's believing the lie and perpetuating the lie. I get up and head to my apartment and flick all my pills that are there to "fix" me...you can't fix what is broken and I am broken.

I also find the package for Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology. Odd...they never send me anything, I haven't even heard of them at all. It is scary and creepy though, I wonder if the FBI is watching me, I might close the curtains and I should...you think I could be watched...right? I...I feel like everything has eyes and cameras and ears and mics and all the tech in the world to enhance interrogate me before I have a chance to defend myself...wait...the phone is ringing...I have to pick it up, just wait here ok?

"He...hello? Who is this?"

"This is Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology research institute inc. Speaking, we are here to speak to you becuase you have been chosen as a "Hero" Candidate"

"Well...what DOES a hero candidate do?"

"Well we have them do experiments that others normally do not do and we treat all sorts of problems, including prostate problems"

"Popcorn problems?"

"Yes popcorn problems."

"Thank you...I'll consider it."

I hang up the phone in utter confusion and now you are looking at me like I'm an idiot! STOP STARING AT ME JOHN KREESE! STOP!

END OF PART ONE

I get up and, oh...fuck, you are there again, well done you asshole, you are still with me. Oh well, I don't have time to yell and holler at you, I have to get ready and go to work and then head over to my parents house, my brother is celebrating his engagement to Adelade and they are going to announce a wedding date and it all is amongst this scandal of his sexual harassment of a clerk. I have no ideas what I feel or where I stand anymore.

Work is a boring affair as you can tell, you're already doing your kiyakis and forward thrust punches and I'm busy as hell scanning patients and I have lots of paperwork, not to mention the decontamination process I have to go through every day just for health purposes so I'm not literally emitting X Rays by the time I leave the hospital.

Getting rides on the tube to my parent's mansion is very expensive for now since my budget has been tightened becuase I went on a mania induced spending spree and I racked up so many charges and fees from gambling with the furries and casinos are never happy to see me, I never understood why that was the case.

Regardless, I have to call on an AdBuddy and he soon comes over and inserts funds into my account, but in exchange, I have to view a bunch of ads that are read aloud by the AdBuddy and one of them is about Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology. Neberdine is everywhere...the pattern is the pattern, there is a larger force at work here and I'm sure of it. I know it, I can feel it at work, it's a bit mysterious to others, but not me, I'm the only one who understands how this works at all.

I can see you have cleaned up real nicely for the occasion and I thank you for that, I have to admit Sensei, you really look handsome in a suit, it really suits you...get it? Hahaha! Oh...I see you don't get the joke? Oh...ok, oh well then. I then go in and hand my coat to the butler and head up the stairs through the foyer and then meet my parents, my step mom and my step dad, both are looking regal tonight since their oldest firstborn is celebrating his engagement again since my "Incident". I hate to admit it but the nieces and nephews are the only reason I even bother show up to family functions at all, I hate this fake, plastic family filled with Barbies and Ken's, I want something more than this Kreese...but what is it I want?

Soon my brother Ryan is busy singing and wooing Adelade and she's smiling and tearing up and all that sappy shit, I wonder if she's marrying him for the money, I would hate for that to happen to Ryan, I had my own experience with Ali Mills and it didn't end well at all.

Soon the adults want to play balderdash but honestly, I feel suffocated and I wanted out of here as soon as possible, the fakeness was getting to me and I can hear them begging me

"Aw cmon! You used to love balderdash"

"Balderdash is fun!"

"Really? What's wrong, play with us!"

"Please play with us! Just one round! I promise!"

At that, I just can't stand it anymore, there is a roaring fury in me that explodes and I yell at the top of my lungs

"BALDERDASH IS STUPID! IT'S BULLSHIT!"

One of my nieces burst out in tears and I can only look on in guilt as as my other brother Andrew glares at me angrily, great...another brother that hates me...fun. I storm out and I see you following me, why do you follow me? Leave me alone, just let me get a smoke, at that moment I can see one of the dog shit cleaners whirr by, it's a small machine the height of my ankle and it sucks in the shit and sprays the sidewalk clean and I walk past and go home...I have to do this, this is everything I will do, to sign up for the trial and to cast you out for good, you had a great run but you need to fuck off.

I arrive at a grey concrete bulding with narrow Rainbow stripes running up the side and I can see the sign of the bulding is in Japanese and I enter and a Japanese woman coldly greets me and hands me a clipboard filled with paperwork, judging on the amount I have, I'm gonna be here a long time just filling out papers. Fuck my life. Another guy next to me adds "Ooo five bombs eh? See that? That's where the money comes from." Sure enough, there are five bomb logos printed on it and I add

"Is it safe?"

"Hell no! The more dangerous, the more money! That is usually how it goes."

I look down at the form and then sign it and turn it in and the intercom says

"Johnny Lawrence to intake exam room four"

The Asian woman bows before me and I bow back and I sit down in the chair, I'm apparently going to be strapped to a lie detector machine. The blood pressure cuff is slipped on my arm and a pulse ox device is placed on my finger and a galvanic skin response device is placed across my chest, she then asks me to tell her how I feel when I see a series of photos. I can hear the clicking of the machine as the metal needles move up and down the paper, leaving trails of red, recording my reactions and my responses and she starts with the first photo which is a bottle of pills and I reply

"Poisoned"

The next picture is of a family, sitting around a table and enjoying a meal and I reply

"Suffocated"

I then see a ink blot and I reply

"Confused."

The test goes on and soon she says "I want you to turn your attention towards me as I ask you this final question." And I look up into her expressionless eyes and I hear a ding and the green light next to me lights up and she said "Congratulations, you have passed the test, you are now in the ULP Phase III trial." She bowed at me and I bowed one last time and I left the exam room, perplexed at what was the final question. I sit down, holding my badge that is labeled with the number 1 on it and as I look up, I see a man I never thought I would ever see again in the flesh, Daniel LaRusso and he is yelling at a test protocor screaming "This is bullshit and you know it! PATRICIA LUGO!" And he storms off after the woman that handed me the clipboard, I don't know what does he want with her but FUCKK!!! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! DAMMIT!

End of part Two

I get up for the day and I stretch the kinks and massage my knee, fuck, that knee has been giving me so much chronic pain for so long, I have resorted to opiates to at least bring the edge down, it doesn't help much with my life, I don't have a job becuase I'm labeled a "Drug addict."

I'm a drug addict for trying to relive chronic, never ending pain from the shattered knee, it's the same knee that suffered a devastating injury at the tournament and yet I managed to defeat Lawrence, Chozen worsened the injury and when I worked in construction, an accident shattered the knee and now I have to put it in a brace so it doesn't cave in on the weight that I put on my knee.

I slip on the brace and grab a stack of magazines and some cash and walk to the nearby store and ask for some cigarettes, the clerk asks me how I am going to pay and I snap

"I'm gonna pay with an AdBuddy."

"No AdBuddy payments accepted here."

I groan and pull out what little change I have and I slam it on the countertop and then he hands me my cigars and I light them, soon I feel a bliss sink over me as I limp back to the shared apartment I have with the others and I run to my room...I NEED THAT PILL! I want to suffer in a way that my knee can never give me suffering, this is the suffering that makes me scream and want to tear out my soul and I have begged for death so many times, but really, I am alone.

San Francisco is a boring as hell city, I moved here when my mom died seven years ago, I gave up hoping for healing, my opioids and my cigarettes were all I ever needed now a days. I swipe the drawer open and open the bottle. The pill is shaped in the letter "A" and I sigh, this is my last pill. I say

"This is it, you are my last pill, then it's fuck you forever."

I then sit on the couch in the cramped and messy living room and I grab the remote control and mash the pill up and snort it all up and gosh...I'm in it.

I wake up hours later, I'm in tears yes, but I am alive, this pain reminds me that I am alive, that I am breathing and that I am fighting, that I'm still awake and that I'm still ok. But I have to pay someone a visit, someone I haven't visited in forever, someone that I haven't spoken to in forever.

I then go to my wallet and yell at my roommate

"Who stole my money?"

"Well you haven't paid your share of the rent in two months!"

"MAYBE IT'S BECUASE I HAVE CHRONIC PAIN AND I CAN'T WORK! I'M ON DISABILITY!"

Oh wow...way to go you son of a bitch, you had to screw that up. Well then, let's try another tactic, the puppy brown eyes and some pleasing.

"Well can I at least have twenty bucks?"

"Well then, fine take some. Calm down junkie!"

Oh Fuck you bitch, like you had your knee kicked in and your knee crushed by some careless truck driver who was high on No-Doze to realize you were nearly under the fucking truck.

I snatch the bill from her hand and I go to my cousin Louie's home, as usual, he is in his A-Void pod, that antisocial idiot hates everybody, well I need his money and I need it now, I'm a man on a mission and nothing is going to stop me. One problem, he changed the combination to the safe and I grunt and I head out to the backyard and i find the pod and press the button and say

"Hey Cousin? How are you?"

A mechanical click and then he replies

"Fine."

I snort

"Your yard looks like a fucking mess."

And it literally is a fucking mess.

"Oh um...what's the combination to the safe."

Another click and a whirr and he replies

"I changed the combination to the safe."

"Thanks for the information Captain Obvious. So what is it?"

"Your birthday."

Really? Fuck you.

"I brought you something to eat."

"Applejacks?"

"Yea."

I slam the cereal on the table top in the dining room which looks like it has seen better days, I step over rubbish and junk from the good old days and I then enter the combination and then I grab the money and then leave, funny how my cousin used to be married until his wife was shot to death while coming back to work, I guess in a way, he can't move on from his loss like I can't move on from mine.

I stand at the bus station, ready to buy the bus ticket to Newark, but as soon as I want to enter the bus station, I want the A pill, I want it so badly, I can't resist the urge and I mutter a "Fuck you" and run off. I'm so ashamed and angry, I am weak and pathetic, that's all I'll ever be.

I approach my friend Kamreon who is playing chess with a foul mouthed furrie and the man is winning and Kameron is my source of these pills, I know that he can get me to them, I know so. I approach him and I ask

"I need more A pills."

"I can't, these pills are really hard to procure! These are from my dad's work!"

"Then how do I get into Neberdine?"

"Sign up for a study, help my dad make millions, for all I know, you could be testing deodorant for a week."

Fuck no, I am NOT going that route, to just end up testing deodorant, no way!

"Gimme a name Kameron! Any name!"

I slide over a one hundred dollar bill and he sighs and gives in before replying

"Patricia Lugo, and can I say something as your friend?"

"Yeah?"

"You sound like a junkie."

I roll my eyes and reply

"I am NOT a junkie!"

And I run off to a store that can dox that woman and give me something to work with.

End of part three

I soon arrive at the doxxing shop and a bored Asian man looks up at me and asks

"What can I do?"

I look to the side before scribbling onto a notepad and hold it up to the Plexar glass barrier and the unamused looking man adds

"Can't read your shit writing."

I roll my eyes before adding

"Lugo. Patricia Lugo of Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology."

A few clicks of the keyboard later and a click of a mouse and he continues

"Patricia Lugo was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication, had her arrest records wiped by ZipDox in order to get the job at Neberdine. But, ZipDox's records can be easily unscrubbed and that's why I call ZipDox, ShitDox. If you want more, you gotta pay us more than she paid ShitDox to get her records scrubbed. I'll say...500 dollars, and you get a free calendar as a frequent customer."

I sigh and slip the Bill's under the glass partition and he hands the calendar over and then adds further

"Patricia Lugo lost custody of her daughter Usnavy after the arrest and her daughter goes to Hunter College. I could have her daughter kidnapped, I know a few guys with a white van."

I shake my head, I don't want anybody hurt, that's the last thing I want, for anybody to get hurt in my search, my quest for the A pill. Nobody should get caught up in my quest for me to drown myself in self-misery and self-pity. He then adds

"It also says she has a FriendProxy appointment at the Bonsai Gardens."

"I'll be there."

"Ooo interception. Sneaky I see."

He smiles snidely and I pay up and leave and then I cancel her FriendProxy appointment and get a lapel pin with a FriendProxy logo on it and then I stride over to the gardens, they remind me again of someone I lost, someone I cared about, someone who meant so much to me in a fatherly way, the bonsai trees remind of him so much, it is really painful, and suddenly, she comes over and embraces me, breaking me from my thoughts and she says without a second thought.

"Remember when we met here? At this same place?"

"Oh yeah...oh yeah, all the beautiful Bonsai trees. They remind me of so much."

"I wonder what are you talking about? I was talking about the moment we met? Remember when we also went to Chinatown and we went over the Golden Gate Bridge?"

"Oh yeah, and I remember when we went to see my uncle Liam."

"Now who the fuck is Uncle Liam?"

That question brings my thoughts to a screeching halt as she continues:

"Honey? Are you ok? What are your ratings? You do not seem compatible at all."

I'm fucking pissed off, I'm not compatible with anyone and to hell with that bullshit talking lady! All she seems to do is yammer off on a tangent that I sure as hell do not talk about. Before I can stop myself, I cut her off and say:

"Listen up, I'm here to fuck your life up, I canceled your FriendProxy appointment and I'm here to ruin you forever."

She is taken aback and shocked, she seemed a bit stunned by what I was saying and I'm not sure how to react to that as she slowly digests the information and she adds

"What are you talking about."

And what am I talking about? I haven't a fucking clue at all. Perhaps it's the drugs or the energy that's fizzling out but I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, I have no idea how the hell am I supposed to get her to funnel me at all, I quickly walk away to a hall overlooking a pond where koi fish swim around and I see her again and she says

"You know, you remind me of my daughter. She's just like you. Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are so you desperate to join Neberdine?"

[maggotmouth]

      rises from the dead like mushu hullo it’s nora ( gmt, she/her) n i’m sorry didnt do my intro yesterday, i woke up in a bath, happy new year. anyway bridget is a mess, the angsty socialist leftie liberal who gets fucked at the pub and goes off on one about immigration or the welfare state or the pay gap. very talkative n bubbly, carefree but also.... cares too much. always in docs but only the vegan ones. usually in a beret with an anarchist symbol painted on it. wears a long green trench coat covered in badges for alt punk rock bands or a red denim jacket that she hacked into a crop jacket with a pair of kitchen scissors. film nerd. got in on a partially subsidised scholarship and works in a bar and a fast food place to pay for her accomodation. 

heres a pinboard. everythin else is below this cut, like this post n i’ll smash that im button for plots x

it might be HER SOPHOMORE year but I still think BRIDGET MATUSIAK looks exactly like MARGARET QUALLEY and sometimes I think the FEMALE is actually them. Of course I’m wrong, as they’re TWENTY and studying FILM while living in FIDELIS here at Lockwood. The ARIES can be rather CANDID and GARRULOUS, but also kind of FICKLE and ERRATIC. Their most played song on Spotify was NOBODY REALLY CARES IF YOU DON’T GO TO THE PARTY by COURTNEY BARNETT, so I think that says a lot.

bridget n her mum alice were more like sisters growing up, probably because of the closeness in age. alice should’ve known that you couldn’t have a thirteen-year-old-daughter at 27 without everyone knowing you’d been one of those girls who gave it away fast as a hot potato, and maybe bridget should have known that she’d inherit more than her mother’s wide eyes, that things had a way of circling back, that at fourteen she too would lose it on the floor of a swimming pool changing room, soggy back, poka-dot nylon pulled down to her ankles.

her parents met in high school. her mother alice was a roman catholic – uneducated in matters of safe sex, mother mary around her neck, bras hanging over wooden crucifixes – and willing to give it to the first boy who seemed interested enough, gift-wrapped or not.

i say they met in high school, bridget’s dad wasn’t actually in school, they met at the high school. he was the father to a girl down the road. alice knew nothing of the girl besides her name and the few encounters in the corridors facing a stoney stare that screamed homewrecker. it only happened once, but once was enough. soon the pitter patter of tiny feet sounded along the hall of the home for wayward women, alice’s parents having thrown her out as soon as they knew a child was growing in her womb.

gilly (referred to as junior) was born two years later, the son of a mechanic and handyman named gilbert “gilly” senior, who - while a slow-witted man – was likable enough. alice, gilly bridget & junior lived in a colorado trailer park and whenever she wasn’t at school bridget would be in gilly’s workshop doin her homework surrounded by parts of exhausts.  was raised in a workshop basically.

like her mother, bridget fell pregnant barely out of her gingham print dresses, hair in two plaits down her back, teddies still lining her bed. unlike her mum, she was not box-shipped out to a home for fallen women but rather booked into a clinic, given a pill, just like taking your vitamins.

her mother flaked out when bridget was around fifteen and junior was twelve, leaving gil to adopt the two as legal guardian and raise them in the forge. she’s lived with gilly ever since. they’re not sure where their mother went. some say she rededicated herself as a virgin and joined the convent in penance for her sins. some say she works in a las vegas strip club and sells pills to minors.

used to do sponsored silences and hunger strikes for kids in third world countries. was that kid in school who was always raising money something. i mean its kinda cute but also she just wanted the acclaim and attention so.... and most of the time it didn’t even make it to the disadvantaged kids she was raising it for cos her mom needed rent money or to buy the kids new shoes n they could barely afford much themselves

she’s a strident feminist, an activist for human rights and animal rights, a vocal vegetarian and an all-round soapbox sadie. catch her in the quad shouting about human rights through a megaphone.

aesthetic: cuffed jeans, thrifted or stolen. white converse, more grey tbh through years of wear. crop tops and plaid shirts tied round her waist. a long green trench coat with loads of badge pins for alt-rock bands and independent films. red denim jacket, also covered in badges n pins. smudged mascara. glitter smeared over cheekbones from the previous night. cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

an aspiring screenwriter. she has a very image-based view of memory and experience. always doing a screenplay or shooting film. her style has a lot of catholic iconography (think virgin suicides styler or baz luhrmann’s romeo + juliet if it was done on a super 8 camera) bcos catholicism is one of the few things she remembers about her mother. she’s never actually tried to find her mum / find out about her, jst…. occasionally channels that energy into her work.

hypersexual and kinda manic-depressive (though not diagnosed) probs bcos her upbringing was a bit unstable, she started life in a house that was literally designed to rehabilitate “fallen women” and she was a looked after child for a while when the adoption papers were still going through… struggles a lot with feeling unwanted, especially since her grandparesnts refuse to acknowledge her existence cos she was born outside of marriage….. so she craves feeling wanted,, like despite being a real women’s rights activist ad hating objectification, at the same time to bridge there’s nothing better than someone sizing you up with hunger in their eyes

she’s queer, but i guess she favours women, and is incredibly vocal in her support of the lgbt+ movement. often at ralleys. has done a face-sitting protest. really is that bitch

there’s a degree of anger for anger’s sake in bridget. she likes passionate, angry music – particularly garage rock, punk and riot grrrl. she loves the slits and skinny girl diet. viv albertine inspired her to take up bass guitar.

working two jobs to pay for uni currently !! works at the bowling alley polishing the shpes and fixing the bowling lanes, and also is a burger flipper at mcdonalds. a lot of her time is spent in the record store, plugged into a set of headphones, head-banging in the corner to a scratched record. music, for birdie, is a form of escapism. that and dropping acid in parking lots lmao.

massive film buff. is majoring in film at uni also spends a lot of time at the movie theatre n probably has like a season ticket. is one of those pretentious film nerds who’s like “what do u think of goddard’s work?” but also just really into shitty horror movies

she spends her evenings in downtown bars willing away her boredom, trying to find something that’ll jerk her out of apathetic lethargy. she toys with the idea of becoming a stripper — it certainly pays better than fixing bowling lanes — but she lacks the energy to dance for several hours a night.

she loves b movies and slasher flicks. at parties, she’ll occasionally try to make a horror of her own, on a super 8 camera in someone’s basement, very paranormal activity, but she’ll inevitably get bored, or too drunk and give up, like she does with most things in her life. she lacks drive and motivation. she’s bright but there’s no hunger in her.

writes shitty poems on the back of napkins and quotes dead philosophers she’s never read. romanticises herself a lot. like will be standing there in a ripped t-shirt and her undies smoking a cig like “hmmm… i bet someone is falling in love with me right now”

is vegetarian for environmental reasons but snorts coke at parties ?? sis, it don’t add up

loves dirt. ate a worm once because someone dared her too. shamelessly disgusting.

she’s slightly obsessed with true crime, up late watching documentaries on the manson family murders.

she’s fickle and enigmatic. one moment she could be your best friend, the next, she’ll behave like a total stranger. bridget’s unpredictable because she’s still unsure of her own identity, frequently flitting between different characters, like snake skins, before she grows bored of being bubbly and eager and becomes spiteful again. her core personality traits are probably forthright, impulsive, restless, thrill-seeking, selfish, melancholic.

an awful person, really

feel free to im me if u wanna plot, here are some plot ideas i stole, or, like this post and i’ll hit u with a message!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #199

“mama, just killed a man; put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead.”

Who is the nicest person you’ve ever met? I dunno, I've truly met so many. How about the meanest? Literally my former best friend, all things considered. I too often ignored her overwhelming ratio of bad versus positive traits. She was an absolute witch when entirely unnecessary to most she met, and even to those she did like, she could be extremely rude and just. Yeah, mean. Do you prefer sugar cookies or peanut butter cookies? Hmmm, probably sugar. Chocolate chip cookies or Oreos? Chocolate chip. What is on your mouse pad? I don't have one. Who was the last person to yell at you? Mom. Why did they yell at you? I don't recall, I just know it was her. What was the last thing you spoke to your mom about? I can't remember. It was as she was leaving for work and nothing major. Where was the last place you took a train to? Never been on a train. What is your favorite sleeping position? What about sitting? Sitting, idk. But I sleep like, kinda on my stomach but twist to my side with my arms positioned up like a fetus' or something. My legs are just kinda just splayed out or bent a bit beside each other. When is the last time you felt appreciated for something you did? Had to be something with Sara when she needed some comfort. Do you ever call friends just to have a casual conversation with them? I don't willingly call anyone. I've texted/messaged friends at random though. Are you the type of person who gets straight to the point? Not really. Do you enjoy playing board games? No. Are there any movies you are wanting to see? The new How To Train Your Dragon, ahhhh! Probably gonna see it with Sara when she comes. Who was the last contact you stored into your cell phone, if you have one? Probably VR. What was the last song you sang along to? Uhhh something by Powerwolf in the shower. Are you a fan of the band Taking Back Sunday? Never heard 'em. Nachos or tacos? I hate tacos, but nachos are literally the best. Do you think Kurt Cobain was assassinated? This is a conspiracy I'm not really educated on. *shrugs* I barely ever rule shit out now after going down the conspiracy theories rabbit hole. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Not at all. Does it annoy you when people wish away their lives? I'm guessing you mean just wish for things instead of taking action towards achieving them? Yes, it does. Wishing isn't gonna do a damn thing for you. Have you ever lived with somebody with truly repulsive habits? No. Do you tend to say things because they’re appropriate not because you mean them? No. I've probably done it, but not enough to recall an occasion. What was the last thing to perplex you? Some conspiracy theory in Shane Dawson's new series I thought was pretty far-fetched. I've already forgotten it. What was the last thing to fascinate you? Another theory in the same series mentioned above lol. It was about the fires in California. Do you ever have really good dreams, and then the whole next day, you’re in a really good mood because of that really good dream? No. What’s the last thing you bought at the mall? A book. What are you listening to? "Fire & Forgive" by Powerwolf. Have you ever wanted to go to the moon? Not really. Is your favorite author the author of your favorite book? No. What are you looking forward to the most? Settling down comfortably with Sara with nice jobs, pets we love, a house we feel is perfect for us, and just. Yeah, all of that. ;v; What’s the last CD you bought? I haven't bought one since Hollywood Undead's "Swan Songs." Is that your favorite cd by that artist? I'm not too familiar with their albums, but I think? What food do you eat the most of? Idk, really. Meats? Some form of bread? What food do you not eat enough of? Vegetables. If you HAD to look like someone else, but could choose who, who would you choose? Probably Suzy Hanson. I'm gay as all fuck hell for that sweetheart. What’s something you’re proud of yourself for? DEDICATING TO THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY. Think of your favorite band… if you got to talk to ONE person from that band, who would it be, and why them? Ozzy because he is my granddad, savior, and most importantly, spirit animal. Have you ever seen someone get a tattoo done? If so, what was it? Did they cry or were they in a lot of pain? Yeah; it was a watercolor feather with "ohana" written on it. She didn't cry, nor was it excruciating. What do you like on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Favorite sport team? I'm biased towards the Carolina Hurricanes because of Dad. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? No. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? Yup. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? N/A Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? Yeah, or close to it. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No. What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? A waste and a risk for addiction. What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Well, this is hard. I cry at pretty much anything moving. Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? No. Can you run in heels? I highly doubt that. My balance is bad as it is. Do you think anyone has given up on you? I'm sure Colleen has. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Today, but literally most days on FB anyway with my stepmother and abortion. Do you pay your own cellphone bill, or do your parents pay it for you? Dad pays it. Have you seen every Harry Potter movie in theaters? No. Have you ever been pregnant? No. Would you ever drive a hearse for your car? Fuck yeah I would if I could decorate it some. What snacks do you usually take to the beach with you? I haven't gone to the beach consistently enough to known. Do you like to eat tomato soup along with your grilled cheese? No. Have you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer? No. Do you have thick or thin hair? Thick as all fuck. If you have thick hair, do you get it thinned when you get it cut? I get it like, tapered so the ends aren't so abrupt. If you have thin hair, do you wish it were thick? N/A What kind of shoes do you normally purchase? Converse or Vans. Did you like Pokemon or Digimon when you were younger? Pokemon was and still is everything. Do you sleep with your hair up or down? It's too short to go up, but I didn't when it was long. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down? ^ Do you do any special workouts to stay in shape? I've started doing some yoga exercises and push-ups everyday to try to get IN shape. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say they're fine. Is there a day you’d just like to forget? Which one? The day I ODed. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? I haven't worn a dress since my sister's wedding three years ago... and I looked awful. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? No. What is the one stereotype people label you as most? Don't really hear those nowadays. Who makes you the most angry in your life right now? My last fucking school. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Literally once, and I hated it. It was incredibly uninteresting. Do you like flowers? What’s your favorite kind? YEAH. I love orchids and dahlias. How many grades have you failed in your life? None. Do you own a car? Who provides your insurance if so? No. Are you someone who can easily keep a secret? Yup. When was the last time you painted something? December, a painting for Sara. Who was the last female you hung out with? My mom. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Hell if I know. Are you currently renting out your own apartment? No. Have you taken anyone’s virginity? No. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house and what kind? No. Have you ever made your boy/girlfriend choose between you and someone else? No. Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? Our neighboring town still has one. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? I dunno. What color are your curtains and are you satisfied with this color? Maroon, and yes. When was the last time you were stung by a bee and what kind was it? Last year by a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. What’s your favorite kind of potato chip and are they cheap to buy? Hm. Maybe classic... or cool ranch. Who was the last male you hung out with? My dad. Are you self-conscious? You have no idea. Do you tend to get sick more often in the wintertime? If not, is there a certain season that you get sick more often in besides winter? No. I rarely ever get sick. Do you find yourself being more of a germaphobe when you’re in public? Uh, duh. What is the worst thing you’ve seen in a public restroom? Blood under the seat. And I mean quite a bit. I usually check under them now after that event with Colleen. Nerdy question time. If you were in a more medieval time period, would you prefer to excel in might, magic, or finesse? MAGIC. Do you have an friends from foreign countries? Are they online friends or foreign exchange students? Or perhaps you have some from both? Online friends. Have you ever studied how your last name originated? Yeah. What is one recipe that you would like to learn how to make? Hell, a lot. I need to know how to cook period. How many hours can you go after a meal before you are hungry again? Does the time vary off how big of a meal it was? Depends on what I ate. Can be like... 4-5 hours or I can fast and go beyond 16. Really varies. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? HUNNY don't DO THIS. Oh Lord. I really don't think I can pick. I know back then it was "The Call," though. Favorite *N Sync song? Probably "Bye Bye Bye." Which of those two bands did you like best? Backstreet Boys. *heart eyes drool emoji* Do you learn choreography easily? I was okay back in dance, but I doubt it now. My memory and focus have declined. What is the theme of this year’s wall calendar? Idk, Mom hasn't changed it yet. Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? I don't believe that concept. Do you still have your favorite toy from when you were kid? Apparently no; asked Mom recently outta curiosity, and I was VERY surprised. I don't know how I ever could've gotten rid of him. Which do you do more: read books, spend time online, or watch television? Guess. What do you do the most when you’re online? Listen to/watch YouTube. Is your 2019 off to a good start? Eh, I suppose. What color is your winter coat? I don't have one. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Reese's. Do you think you’re too old to go trick-or-treating? Well, according to society. Do you have a bobblehead? If yes, what does your bobblehead look like? No. Were you afraid of heights as a child? No. What’s the strangest thing you’ve wrapped a present in? Nothing odd? Can you read in the car? I don't know if I've ever done that? Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Would you ever take a solo road trip? Nah. What is the most fascinating part of nature? Shit dude, idk. There's so much. Evolution, maybe. When did you last go to the library? What book(s) did you check out? Couldn't tell ya. Have you ever gotten in trouble for running up your phone bill? Nope. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't plan to any time soon. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? Very fast. Do you believe in the concept of global warming? It's 2019. "Concept" my ass. Have you ever worked in retail? Never again. Are you even a little bit racist? No. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? Swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? We can't predict that. A meteor could fuck us tonight, or the supervolcano in Yellowstone could erupt the next time I blink. May not be for thousands of years. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Don’t you love American Horror Story: Asylum? I didn't watch it. When’s the last time you blew some bubbles? No clue. Are you self conscious about your nails? Not too much. Which pair of pants that you own are your favorites? Why do you like them? Pretty much all I have are yoga pants and leggings that all look the same... Now if I can include pj pants, the soft, black, white, and lilac Jack Skellington ones I have. They're comfy. Have you ever had any kind of dangerous addiction? What’s this addiction? No. Are your parents still married, divorced, or split up? Like this decision? Divorced. And I mean, any person would wish their parents were together ideally, but just with how mine always fought and just constantly seemed angry at each other, I'm glad they are. Are you a Jeffree Star fan? Or no? Do you think he’s awesome/dumb? I love that alien. His personality is so bubbly, he cracks me the hell up, and he's gone through so much growth. Are any of your favorite shows too dirty for television? Which ones? No. Are there any colorful quilts in your room? Which ones are colorful? No. Do you own a guitar? Specify. Which brand of guitar do you own? I do, but I don't recall the brand; I don't play it anymore. I just know it's black and white. Are you a monogamous person? Or do you hate commitment? Monogamous. Who was the last person who was rude to you? Idk, probably Mom. Have you ever met someone in person that you first met online? Yeah. Have you ever taken a test to see if you are colorblind? No. Who do you know who is dyslexic? Idk. Describe your dream wedding in five words. Small, memorable, gothic, emotional, and sincere are a few words I can think of. Is weed legal in your state? No. Have you ever thrown up in class? In kindergarten, I believe. What is something that you used to be ashamed of, but now you’re not? Mmmmm I dunno. OH ACTUALLY, for quite a while I was embarrassed of liking Pokemon for yeeeaaars because at that time it was seen as "weird," but now like. Give me everything Pokemon. Have you ever held a newborn baby? No. Are a ton of your Facebook friends getting married and having kids now? Yes. I sometimes forget we're at that age where it's kinda normal. What’s the last supernatural thing that happened to you? Idk. If you’re a Christian, how long have you known the Lord? N/A Do you live in an apartment, condo, dorm, or house? A house. Do you have a sibling with the same first initial as you? Well, it's his nickname. Do you ever eat kids’ food (as in, meals made for kids)? Hell yeah, give me that fuckin nachos Lunchable. Do you remember pre-school? I have vague memories. How old were you when you made your first friend? Two. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? The Incredibles 2, probably. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)? It's game over if you recognize my Markiplier tattoo lmao. Do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (Belieber, Little Monster, etc.)? I will always be a GMM mythical beast, fucking fight me. What sort of situations make you feel most self-conscious or inadequate? Are there any people or places that just make you want to crawl into a hole? If you can’t think of anything specific, can you remember the last time (or any time) you felt this way? When I'm in a position where it's my responsibility to be knowledgeable, hence why I've struggled so immensely with work. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? I use Ozzkat like, everywhere, and it's my fave. Are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations? Yes. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? Ha, yeah. Can you remember the last thing you thought and subsequently thought, “wow, I really shouldn’t be thinking that”? PTSD and OCD alike give me intrusive thoughts occasionally, so. How long does it take you in the morning to fix your hair? It takes just a few seconds to wet my hand(s) and go over the back where it usually sticks up like crazy. My hair is otherwise short enough where I have to do like... nothing. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday? No. Do you prefer kisses on the nose, cheek or forehead? Cheek. Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore? No. Do you prefer a lot of ice in your drinks or just a little bit of ice? None. I don't like it to water down my drink, and even with water, I worry about one/some small ones going down my throat. Well, in margaritas it's obviously fine, just because it's so fine. Which condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.) do you use the most of? Ketchup or honey mustard. Would you ever flirt with somebody in front of your parents? With my s/o, sure, just not if it's even mildly sexual. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? Yeah. Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? FUCK no. Do you think your parents know things about you that you don’t want them to? Mom might. I doubt Dad does. How many of your friends play World of Warcraft? I think Sam still does, maybe Alex, and then I have a number of acquaintances exclusive to the game. Actually Girt might too... maybe. I just know he keeps up with the lore. Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? CUTE. Would you rather receive roses or sunflowers? I'd appreciate either, but I prefer roses as flowers. Is your dad bald? No. Surprised honestly; he's in his mid-50s, and while it's gray, there's no less of it than there's always been. Who is the most boring or dullest person that you know of? Uhhhhhhhh I dunno. How long do you have until your birthday? Three days y e e t Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Do you remember the name of the first bar you ever went to? Never been to one. Were you of age? N/A When was the last time you wanted to do something, but couldn’t? With how Sara's been such a flirt lately, I deadass wanna pin her to a wall and go ham. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't for the sake of avoiding a headache and getting dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? In the back of my mind, every once in a while lately, my hope's dimmed for photography, but I just refuse to give up. Have you ever made any kind of video? Yeah. Have you ever taken someone back after they’ve cheated? Hell no. How many living grandparents do you still have? One. Is there a garage or carport attached to your house? No. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? No.

[mamomomotora]

Help me escape an abusive home.

So I already made a post like this but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I only mentioned details of my physical state and not my mental or personal relationship with my mom.

So here, let me try again. I’m so sorry it’s going to be long winded.

Growing up I was never given any privacy of my own. And I know that’s kind of an iffy start because automatically you’d think “well you were probably a problem child.” Or “that’s just parenting.” But the direction my mother took it to was an extreme.

About the time I was 10 to even now this present year my mom has never stopped. When I was younger she would snoop through all of my things including journals cell phone records text messages and instead of just talking to me, she always found something to punish me about.

I became a super secretive person, but the more secretive I got, the better she got with snooping.

It brought me down and eventually I did develop mental problems. I became paranoid, never feeling safe and always feeling like someone is watching me. Even when I was diagnosed with depression and insomnia my mom chose to ignore it. All she ever said was “you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Even when I had clear prescribed medication I had to take she never gave it to me.

She only chalked it up to “it should be your responsibility.” And I was 12.

I’ll give it to her that yes it should have been, but at 12 when you have clinical depression and you’re going through so many changes, medication does tend to slip your mind. I also had so many missing days, I would black out and dissociate so much when I was younger. But it’s not like my mom ever knew. She was never home and when she would come home at like 3-4am she would just walk to wherever I was sleeping and wake me up screaming at me. Telling me how I was disgusting and how she read all of my texts to every one of my friends.

Holding out cell phone records and text logs. And who was I calling all the time when it was literally only her number and a couple of friends I liked to talk to.

Unfortunately I did develop a drinking habit at 12 years old. This was fairly easy considering my mom was a big alcoholic herself and kept an open bar in the kitchen. I had easy access and she never knew.

Instead of taking care of me, instead of talking to me, all my mom ever did was yell at me and threaten to take things away. She never explained to me what I was doing that was so wrong. And I grew up not having a lot of friends for that.

My friendships strictly remained internet friendships. If I had so much as an actual close friend they had to meet certain requirements.

They couldn’t be a boy. They had to be a girl. If a boy so much as talked to me and they were my friend, I had to briskly walk away or push them away if I saw my mom.

The many times she accused me of having a boyfriend is too many to count hat eventually I thought, “fuck it.” And I started dating. Way before I even was ready just because “well if mom thinks I’m such a deviant I might as well be.”

And this wasn’t just as a kid. All the way up to now, my adult years, my mom refuses to let me go out with anyone. I’ve developed horrible anxiety due to the way I was mistreated as a child. I push everyone away and I never talk to anyone because I’m still afraid my mom will snoop through my phone or the phone records and accuse me of shit.

She still threatens to take my own personal property away. Things I’ve paid for things I’ve bought and things I was paying for. She refuses to let me go out but when she does she asks me 200 questions on where I’m going who I’m going with and if there’s one thing she doesn’t like she says no.

I’ve given up on talking to her because she cuts me off and never lets me speak. I get crippling anxiety and I’m reduced to tears if she so much as questions me.

When I didn’t have a car I remember I wanted to go out with a friend. She was going to pick me up and my mom wasn’t home. She actively called my brother and told him to watch me leave and see who it was picking me up. Just to make sure I wasn’t lying. It’s so u fair because she never treats my brother like this. Neither of them. One is 12 and the other 22. They’re both allowed to have friends over they’re allowed to have fun. But not me. She has her eyes strictly only on me at all times.

And when I do rarely ever get the courage to talk to her, she accuses me of manipulating her and attacking her. And she knows that I really don’t want to hurt her, because despite everything I really love my mom. I do, but enough has become enough and even after I’ve done all I could for her she never thanked me. She never tried to take care of me even when something was visibly wrong. Even though my depression and anxiety have been worse throughout the years. She’s never seen what I’ve done to try to make her happy. When she broke her back I almost didn’t graduate because I was so broken about it. When I try to care for her or ask her if she’s okay it doesn’t feel natural.

I’m extremely torn between mylove for her and my disdain. All her and my stepdad do are complain about what I can’t do. They’ll borrow money from me and take ages to pay me back.

They still owe me money but I’ll never get it back looks like.

But this is why I need help. I have a job but it can only do so much by November/December. That’s when I’m planning on leaving because it’s so hard I can’t take it anymore. It’s detrimental to my health. Both physical and mental. I haven’t been cared for all these years and I’ve been suicidal for many. I don’t want to live like this anymore that’s why I’m begging.

I know where I’m going, and I won’t be alone. What scares me is the 2,000 mile road trip I’ll be needing to take. And with expenses and potential rent I’m going to need a small amount to keep me up when I arrive. I won’t have a job it’ll all be a new start.

Here’s my original post explaining the remainder of the situation

Venmo: @Marissa-Arambula-1

I don’t have anything else other than that. I’m so sorry to plague your dash with this again. But thank you if you have read it, it means a lot to me. I’m sorry.