#literally starts crying because team did a really good job making a cgi guy look on the brink of tears but playimg it cool

[wildshapedruid]

[ablogcalledrevenge]

I’m so intrigued as to why you hated Peter Rabbit so much omg. Please tell!!

I’m putting this under a read more because it got really long and complicated. Sorry, but I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about this and Peter Rabbit is the vessel.

That being said, if you like the movie, that’s okay! You’re allowed to like it and you shouldn’t let me make you feel bad. I love tons of bad movies! Spice World always makes me smile!

Also I want to say that I am not blaming or mad at the actors, crew, the CGI people. Like they did the best with what they had and I don’t fault them. I mostly blame the writers, director, and producers. Especially the producers.

BUT we can’t forget that, at the end of the day, this movie was a cashgrab, merchandise factory of a movie. This is, as my old roommate coined, a parking ticket movie. Basically the only reason half of the people worked on this movie was because they got a bad parking ticket and needed some quick cash. I do not believe for a second that Margot Robbie or Domhnall Gleeson looked at this script and went “yes, this seems like exactly the kind of children’s movie I’ve always dreamed of doing.” Everyone involved with this film did it for the money or because they were contractually obligated. And honestly, that’s okay. I could live with that. These are their jobs and they’re allowed to make money. But when you do a project because you’re forced to, or for the payout, it shows in the work. We can tell when your heart’s not in it. But the movie had bigger issues than the motivations behind it.

1. The movie didn’t have a good villain. Perhaps this is because I’m older and have more sympathy but Thomas McGregor is a very ineffectual villain. We start the movie, meeting him, as if he were the main character! We see that he’s a bit of a control freak and that he can be a little rude to people and then we see him lose his job and have a mental breakdown. He gets this house in the country and all he wants to do is sell it and move on. The rabbits are actively (and against their own desires, but we’ll get into that later) working against him to make selling the house harder. This guy’s supposed to be the villain? This guy who basically lost everything in his life and just wants to go home and spends half the movie getting electrocuted because he doesn’t want animals in the house when he’s trying to sell it? Maybe it’s because Domhnall can make anyone charming, or maybe it’s poor writing, but I watched the movie asking why I was supposed to hate McGregor. He hadn’t done anything wrong! To be honest, as you go through the movie it seems like the rabbits are the antagonists! If the movie was hoping to make him a Cruella DeVil figure, they failed. Thomas is a sad, broken man and I just felt bad for him. Also I don’t enjoy seeing my husband getting beat up by CGI rabbits, it’s embarrassing, but that’s beside the point.

2. The romance between Bea and Thomas is forced, unnecessary, and unlikely to last. Considering they’re supposed to get married and have a baby in the sequel, I think it’s even more ridiculous. The third movie will have them getting a much needed divorce. Like this is a kid’s movie, I don’t know why it needed a romance?? But basically Bea and Thomas have absolutely nothing in common. This isn’t a cute ‘opposites attract’ thing, this is that their values and morals and desires don’t match up at all. They’re completely different people! The fact that Thomas spends the whole movie basically lying to get Bea to like him should be proof enough that whoever wrote the characters never intended them to be a legitimate couple. They’re pushed together because, idk it’s a movie and we have to have a happy ending which means a wedding because apparently we’re in Shakespeare’s time?? People are allowed to be friends and they work better as friends! Also do you think Bea knows anything about shibari? That’s what Thomas needs and you expect this little granola painter to be able to tie him up and rough him around? Oh please.

3. The movie is just bad. The humor and plot are very weak and the characters are mostly one dimensional. I think I laughed once during the entire time I watched it. I must admit, in an effort for transparency, that I didn’t finish the movie. I had to stop watching after 45 minutes because I couldn’t take anymore. What does it say about your movie that 45 minutes in and the plot hadn’t really even started yet? It was ALL exposition and that’s bad! This is a kid’s movie, the action needs to start sooner! The humor was oddly topical and unoriginal; the whole movie was. It was clear this was a rip off of Home Alone, Alvin and the Chipmunks, 101 Dalmatians, The Minions. If not through plot than through style. Playing a Top 40 song during an opening scene doesn’t make your movie better, it just makes it lazy. It’s clear you didn’t pick “Feel it Still” by Portugal the Man because it added something to Peter’s character. You added it because people know the song and it will make them sing along and smile. The plot is weak too, it doesn’t make sense. The whole point is that the rabbits want McGregor to leave... he does too! They actively sabotage themselves by pulling all these stunts on him. If they had just left him alone for 2 weeks, he could’ve sold the house and left. He probably would’ve sold it to some rich family that wouldn’t care about a garden full of animals! But instead they realize Thomas doesn’t like them and decide to electrocute him and humiliate him because he doesn’t want them in his garden for a specific amount of time that has an end date. Until the rabbits bothered him, Thomas didn’t care about them! If they had left him alone, he wouldn’t have ‘fallen in love’ with Bea and their other problems wouldn’t have happened too! They caused their own misery! What is this plot?! 

4. Bea is just an idiot and I can’t stand her. No shade to Rose Byrne because she is literally so pretty but the character is very dumb and annoying. She’s supposed to be Beatrix Potter which is also a very strange inclusion considering Beatrix was a real person and had her own life, just saying. But anyway, we can see early on in the film that Bea can communicate with the rabbits. They respect her and listen to her. So why does she let them, and at times, instigate them towards McGregor’s garden! She knows how dangerous it is and that Peter’s dad died there. They literally have the whole forest and her property and they can’t stay out of a 10 square foot garden? If she cares about those rabbits so much why doesn’t she grow some vegetables? Why doesn’t she stop them from bothering the guy who clearly wants nothing to do with them? She’s so caught up in ‘respecting nature’ and ‘being an artist’ that she’s so oblivious to everything else in her life and completely useless in every other way. Thomas deserves a better partner and Beatrix Potter deserved a better interpretation.

5. The characters are mean. Peter Rabbit is supposed to be a bit of a rascal and a scamp. He’s a troublemaker compared to his goody-two shoes siblings. We know this, it’s in the books. But everyone in this movie, especially Peter, is just so mean! Every other comment he makes is something disparaging against Benjamin or one of the other animals. He spends the whole movie being rude and dismissive and cocky. We’re supposed to root for this character? At times, considering his dialogue, Peter seems like more of an antagonist than Thomas. At least Thomas is nice to Bea, at least Thomas, in the beginning, only tries to keep the rabbits out and not hurt them. Peter’s a jerk and I don’t like his character. I don’t like any of the animal characters, they’re all so sarcastic and unsympathetic. So much of the ‘humor’ comes from one of the characters making fun of another and the jokes fall flat because of it. Beatrix Potter’s characters have such a softness to them, they invoke warm and cozy feelings. This movie was such an insult to her work.

Right before Peter Rabbit came out, I saw the Mr. Rogers documentary. Seeing him be so passionate about children’s media really made me think about the stories we give our kids. They deserve better than this recycled garbage! They deserve better characters and better stories. They deserve to be treated like human beings with brains and feelings and talents, instead of just mindless meat bags we plop in front of a screen to keep them out of our hair. I’m not saying that we can’t have entertainment that’s silly or stupid but when every kid’s movie is exactly the same, I start to feel bad. Children deserve quality! 

So here’s my pitch for a Peter Rabbit movie: Up until Thomas goes to drop the rabbits in the river, everything is the same. I would make Peter and his siblings nicer and more inclined to work together as a team but otherwise everything is the same. Then, right before Thomas drops the bag, he stops. What is he doing? What has his life become? He’s about to kill innocent animals because he lost his job? He sinks down on the bridge and starts to cry. He starts telling the rabbits, because he has no one else, how terrible he feels. His job was the most important thing to him. He has no friends, no hobbies, no direction. He doesn’t know what to do with his life now. Maybe Peter pokes his head out and snuggles up to Thomas, showing empathy. Thomas goes on to say that while he enjoyed his job, he realizes now that he wasn’t truly happy and that getting revenge won’t make him happy. He looks down and sees the binoculars, the first gift he’s gotten in years. He looks and sees the rabbits curling up against him and he thinks maybe he doesn’t have to sell the house. Maybe he doesn’t have to go back to his life. So, with the help of his friend Bea and the rabbits, Thomas learns how to calm down and enjoy life. He learns to appreciate the small things and respect the beauty of nature. Maybe there’s a funny montage of Thomas trying to mow the lawn or garden. Maybe he makes everyone dinner with his vegetables and it’s really bad and everyone makes a funny face. It ends (a little like the original ending) with Thomas realizing that he may have lost his successful glamorous job in the city, but now he has friends. Now he has people who care about him and good food on his table. So the movie ends on a toy shop. Thomas is showing a little boy how to fly a remote control plane. Benjamin and Cottontail are in the middle of a tea party with a little girl. Bea is wrapping a gift for customer and Flopsy gets her paw stuck in the bow. Everything seems perfect and wonderful when we hear a huge crash offscreen. PETER! End Credits

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Child’s Play (2019)

Well it’s Friday, so that means another classic horror franchise is getting rebooted. This time it’s Child’s Play - you know, the one about the spirit of a serial killer that gets trapped inside a talking doll and terrorizes the neighborhood? Well, serial killer spirits are SO 1991, so the 2019 version has updated it to a “smart” doll capable of operating all your wireless devices and there’s no supernatural mumbo jumbo going on here - just a disgruntled factory worker pushing back at unjust labor laws by removing all the safety protocols in ONE doll and shipping it off far away. You know, as most labor disputes get resolved. So Chucky (voice of Mark Hamill) comes to be best friends with Andy (Gabriel Bateman) and soon starts disposing of anyone he believes might be compromising their friendship. I think we all remember how upsetting it was when our Teddy Ruxpins started to do the same thing. So is this AI bringing in a new wave of “smart” horror reboots? Well...

God I hope not. It’s a mess. There’s some ok stuff in here, but wow I have a lot of questions for the director, the screenwriter, and the design team.

This is the worst character design I’ve ever seen. His eyes are both too big to be like a standard doll, but too small to be in the Bratz or anime-type range. Also, he suffers from the Jack Nicholson problem. For as brilliant as Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is, its casting is truly epically terrible. Jack Nicholson looks crazier than a shithouse rat at the very beginning of the film, making his descent into madness feel a little less like a descent and more like a very level straight line that you could use to hang a picture frame. Same thing with ol Chucky blue eyes here. He looks so uncanny valley creepy right from the get go that when he goes full murder spree it’s like “oh no he’s...doing exactly what his face indicated he would be doing this whole time who could have possibly predicted.” I’m all for the use of animatronic puppetry over CGI but...I just feel like the design here really missed the mark. 

I’m sorry, I’m just so pissed at the inciting incident for this whole thing. Why would your revenge against your shitty boss be to remove all the safety protocols from a microchip going into a device that is shipping halfway across the world from you? What’s the endgame here? Seriously. THE most plausible line of reasoning is “This doll will malfunction and cost this company I hate working for $39.95.” Well, that doesn’t impact your shitty boss. The only OTHER plausible line of reasoning is “This is going to make a murder doll that will malfunction and kill people on the other side of the globe.” That STILL doesn’t impact your shitty boss AND it means this guy is a total sociopath with a diabolical scheme on a level Chucky can’t even dream of. Why isn’t the movie actually about him???

It’s weird to see Aubrey Plaza playing a mom but I kind of love her snark being melded with maternal instinct here. Although, honestly, she does feel more like Andy’s big sister than his mom. 

As for Andy (Gabriel Bateman), he’s actually a really solid leading man in this. Even when he has to break down into hysterics over Chucky’s bad behavior, his performance never veers into whiny or shrill. He’s got a lot of charisma and plays Andy as a fundamentally sweet kid who maybe just doesn’t have many friends because he hangs out with his mom and sucked into the vortex of his phone too much. I was impressed, because he has to carry 80% of the movie by himself talking to an animatronic Annabelle.

I will say, Chucky’s horrible design aside, Mark Hamill does a phenomenal job as the voice of Chucky. Even when he’s repeating the same phrases over and over again, he injects a level of pathos and humanity into Chucky that’s really impressive. I know this isn’t a controversial opinion, but he really is maybe the best living voice actor of our time.

Full disclosure, there is some violence done to a cat that is very distressing, not once but TWICE. The cat dies :( And it’s particularly egregious because not only do you get faked out once thinking “oh this cat is gonna be ok” but THEN after the gruesome part, Chucky uses the sounds of the cat to emotionally torture Andy and the audience. That shit is fucked up.

Um, I’m not sure what lack of googling this screenwriter, Tyler Burton Smith, did but these literal children are not millenials, they are generation Z, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

The tone is wildly uneven. It’s not funny enough to be a horror comedy, and it’s not really scary, just jump scares and being creeped out by Chucky’s fucking face. Also, the film can’t decide if we’re meant to feel bad for Chucky being a victim of his programming and his shitty preteen masters showing him a bunch of campy slasher movies OR if we’re meant to be scared of him because he’s a murderous monster doing things of his own free will. 

Why are there watermelons in this man’s yard? And the line “a white guy dead in a watermelon patch - poetic” ... what fucking poetry are you reading? Listen, I have two degrees in English literature, and I don’t remember Samuel Taylor Coleridge ever writing anything about any fucking watermelons.

Another weird choice - the movie is pretty gory but not in a fun or campy way. I think sometime around 2010, movies lost the ability to do buckets of blood in a fun way? I know that sounds fucked up, but this isn’t campy or silly, it’s just kind of gross - both trying to be gleeful and also taken way too seriously. At first, when it’s only super pervy or abusive dudes that are getting whacked, it’s like, ok, there’s a comeuppance factor here, this is gross but fine. But then it starts extending to characters that have done nothing wrong and that we’ve been pushed to love and empathize with. So then it feels a lot less fine but still very gross. 

One major highlight - I will watch Brian Tyree Henry in anything. He’s just so so good at everything, and this is no exception.

Also - BTH plays a detective and Andy is literally trying to hide evidence made of human remains in the detective’s apartment. For dayyyyys. Let that sink in. Do you think that shit doesn’t smell?? And he keeps disposing of evidence and things he doesn’t want to deal with in the trash chute of his own building. Where the detective also hangs out. There are other dumpsters, my dude!

If you’re making a murderous doll movie and a guy who looks like Jack Black (Trent Redekop) perving around in a basement is the creepiest thing that happens, that’s probably not a good sign.

Speaking of Not Jack Black, everything in his death sequence makes no sense. Why would you stand on a table saw to get away from literally anything? Why would your table saw have a “smart” functionality? Take this as a warning kids, if Google starts making smart table saws, that’s when we draw the line.

There is one (1) cute dog, and Chucky is uninterested in him. He escapes the movie unscathed and appears to be a Very Good Boy.

Did I Cry? Fucking no, oh my god, not at all. 

This is just a real uneven mess. Some performances shine amidst the terrible material (BTH, Mark Hamill, Gabriel Bateman) but overall, I had a lot more fun with the playfully wicked marketing campaign (coming out the same day as Toy Story 4, the film leaned into the gag by creating a series of posters depicting some gruesome ends to our favorite Toy Story characters, with Chucky being responsible). If this had been more comedy, less uneven revenge porn, this might have had a fighting chance at being something really interesting. As in most things, though, I have to advise you stick to the original.

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[afangirlwashere]

Come rant with me about Endgame

So.......... I saw Endgame yesterday and I have some opinions, feelings and thoughts... Also a story about me being an idiot after trying to get home from the cinema but I’ll leave that for a bit later. Anyone who wants to talk about Endgame feel free to hit me up about it ‘cause I got nobody to talk about it with rn.

I’ll talk about the characters a bit more and afterwards, I’ll talk about plot stuff.

So... Thor

I have seen people complaining about what they did to him in this movie. I personally did not expect them to take this route with him but I wouldn’t really say it was completely out of character for him.  He lost a lot. And there is no real threat, nothing to really protect for him anymore apart from his people who he feels like he failed. He feels like he failed everyone and at everything and I can understand that feeling veeeery well.  And it was nice seeing them actually stick to his new figure and not giving him a stupid montage how he got fit again. No! He was worthy no matter what because it’s what's inside that matters.  His hair, beard and glowing eyes 10/10 Kinda sad and mad there was no talking about Loki though... Felt like he should have brought him up somewhere in there. I’m super excited for him to join the Guardians. It’s gonna be a riiide.

Now we can move on to Natasha and Clint

Let me just tell you... The second they started talking about having teams and going for the stones I was like “But Vormir? Who the fuck is going to go to VoRmIr to get the fucking soul stone?! WHOOO?!!!!” and I kind of expected it to be Natasha and Clint.  And I kind of expected Natasha to be the one who sacrifices herself because Clint has a family + after seeing what she did for those 5 years it made sense for her character to be the one who sacrifices herself.  I did not cry at this death I guess because I suspected it but I was VERY sad. I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t do something similar for Natasha as they did for.... y’know... our boi.  I guess the reason I didn’t actually cry could be that when she was lying down there I think she was in the exact same position as Gamora and there has been talk about it that it could mean something (you can watch the SuperCarlinBrothers Endgame review they talk about it a bit) but when I saw her there... It looked just weird man. Like logically she probably would not fall and be in the same position AS Gamora and I got the picture of Gamora just lying down there literally burned in my memory since I’ve seen it like billion times over the past year. The CGI on it was just... It looked weird okay? Otherwise, I was super happy about seeing Clint again. I missed him as much as I will miss Natasha. She did good and she will forever be remembered ❤️ 🧡 💛

Ant-Man a.k.a. my boy Scott Lang

He peaked in this movie. Truly. I had such a good time watching him do stupid shit, be funny but also serious.  He’s just always so much fun. Loved him a lot.  I was a little confused when Cassie was all grown up I thought it was her mom who was at the door first but then Scott was like “Cassie?” and I was like “OH SHIIIIIIT THAT’S THE KIIIID!” 

Bruce... honey...

Don’t have much to say about my boy Bruce. Cool seeing professor Hulk. I really liked the scene where they were trying to figure out time travel. I could relate to him just not knowing what he was doing but doing it anyways ‘cause... same.  Also, thank you for doing the snap. Good job. 

America’s ass Steve Rogers, Cap, whatever you want to call him

Soooooo... I’ve seen theories of his ending actually like.. before this movie came out. I’ve discussed him time traveling to be with Peggy with my cousin and we both agreed it would have been the best ending and that we would really want it for him. BUT when we discussed it we hit this big thing that would kind of not make sense for his character.  BUCKY! He would never leave him be tortured for years and years on if he knew Bucky was alive and that he could actually do something about it.  He would want to do something about HYDRA in S.H.I.E.L.D. as well! It’s not like him to just stand around and do nothing. He said it himself that he could not possibly do that. Like many people on the internet, I’m just... Not happy about this thing. Also, did they talk about it beforehand? Did Steve offer Bucky to go with him? Did Bucky say no? If they explain it in the future (they better) I hope that they mention Steve going for Bucky who was still being tortured WHEN he was with Peggy in the past. I hope that we will get Bucky’s and Steve’s talk after he finished talking to Sam. We could potentially get all these answers in the Falcon & Winter Soldier Disney+ show. I hope we do because if we don’t I’m gonna be hella mad. I wanted to shed some more good tears about Steve and Bucky but they didn’t talk... I’m not bitter. Trust me. Not. At. All. (they could have maaaybe cut the scene of them talking because: time)  Steve picking up Mjölnir was some good shit. I knew it was him the moment that hammer moved a bit. I got the flashbacks to Age of Ultron and I was like “Is he gonna..... Is it.... It’s..... YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! IT’S FUCKING CAP!!!”  That was truly some good shit we got right there.  Also, I was kind of bitter that Steve and Tony never really talked over Civil War.  Hail Hydra scene? Perfection.  YeAh I know- scene? Perfection. That is America’s ass scene? Perfection.  Overall Steve had some great scenes. I just missed the Bucky in them. No real reuniting between them either... I just don’t know man. I wanted more from that. Bucky played a huge part in all three CA movies (one was literally named after him say what) and we didn’t get... anything. 

Nebula and Rocket 

I was very pleasantly surprised by both of these characters.  I hope they’re gonna be a bit closer now that they spent 5 years with each other.   Everybody say thank you Mr. Rocket for actually following the plan and getting the stupid fucking stone we needed.  Nebula kind of fucked up everything even though it wasn’t her fault. But when she literally killed her old self? I felt that. That was powerful shit.  Also loved her and Tony a lot. She’s a great addition to the Guardians.

Gamora

Sweet summer child. Obviously, they set up a plot for Guardians 3 with Quill trying to find her at the end of Endgame. 

Carol Damnvers Danvers, Cap Marvel, my lesbian hero

Underused. But I get why. She is truly OP. Her haircut? Thank you Marvel gods? Her meeting Peter? I’ve never related more to Peter in my life because I too would be crawling in dirt and curled up on the ground if I got to meet this queen.  AND THEN THE SCENE? THE SCENE WHERE ALL THE MARVEL WOMEN FUCKING STAND UP AND GO AGAINST THANOS?! I felt that.  It was really funny seeing Peter get surrounded by all of them. He is protected by the lesbian queens.  Also her fucking up Thanos? Good shit. Little sad her and Fury got zero scenes in there. 

Wanda motherfucking Maximoff

Another OP women.  Loved her to pieces. Seeing her almost rip Thanos apart was truly inspiring. Fucking legend. Get that revenge for your toaster girl.

Falcon

I don’t have much to say about him because there was not much of Sam in Endgame.  Loved the “On your left” thing. Great call back to WS. But I wanted to tell you guys something that happened in the cinema that I saw coming.  There was this group of boys around 17-19 years old sitting right behind me and when Cap was giving Sam the shield and basically making him the next Captain America.. I think ya’ll know where this is going.  These fucking dudes had the audacity to scoff and out loud talk about it like “A black dude is gonna be Captain America? The fuck?” I was trying not to sob in my seat because EMOTIONS and I felt the fucking rage that went through my veins at that moment. I can’t believe people still do this shit. Why, why, why the fuck do you think that it’s not okay? I wish I could go back to that moment and just throw my water bottle in their faces. Assholes.  It really ruined the moment for me and I’ll never forget the fucking disgust I felt when I heard that coming out of their mouths. Really wish I told them something but the state I was at... I was just not in the shape for calling them out on their bullshit. 

Um.... I feel like it’s time we address the elephant in the room. THEM. 

Dad Tony was really fucking me up good in this movie I gotta tell you.  The I lost the kid scene? Good shit. (In our subtitles they translated it to “I lost Peter” which was like.... Ummmmm.... kill me nooooow) The I love you 3 000? Good shit.  The shit scene? Good shit.  The bedtime story? Wish we got some Peter in there but still. Good shit.  Any scene with Morgan Stark in it? Good shit.  I just need her and Peter bonding in some future movie and I’m satisfied. Anthony Edward Stark really is that bitch, isn’t he? He made time travel happen in like 4 hours.... We love a true legend man. I wish we could have seen him talking to aunt May (that is if she didn’t die in the snap we still don’t know). I just kind of hoped that we could have seen him getting over losing Peter and stuff... even though he never really got over it.  I’ve also seen people blaming Peter for Tony’s death??? Umm? How? He did not jump out of that fucking picture and tell Tony to save him. He did not force Tony to care about him. Tony just did because he has a serious issue with adopting sad ki-I just don’t understand how anybody could blame Peter for his death. Tony decided totally by himself.  Seeing him go off on the team when he came back from space was... just wow. I felt that. I was genuinely scared of him for a bit. Also how skinny he looked? :) That shit hurted.  All of his dialog? Gold. Actual gold. There isn’t a scene in which he did not excel.  The talk between him and his dad? That shit hurted.  When Peter came on the screen... Man I was WAITING when all the guys from Titan started showing up I was at the edge of my seat like “whereishewhereishewhereishewhereishe” and then when he fucking jumped in there the music got all epic and when he took off the mask he looked so fucking adorable and happy and the hair and ghdakskguarieogs-  That was truly the first time I cried in that movie. That is what he does to me.  And WE GOT THE HUG FOLKS! Him rambling and being all OwwwO and Tony just looking at him. Cried like a crazy person. I’ve waited for that a long time.  And then Peter jumping around and protecting the gauntlet and meeting everyone and Carol and... I just can’t even. He was perfect. It was perfect. But then it happened... The moment Strange gave Tony THE look I knew shit was going down for real.  I was crying like a little baby.  Seeing Thanos fade away was very satisfactory but right after that seeing Tony just... do THAT. And by THAT I mean fucking DIE. Yeah... Rhodey was the first one at his side and he just kind of pet his head...  But then fucking Peter got to him and I- that was truly painful as all hell. Seeing him cry and break down because that’s his father figure, that’s his mentor, that’s his Tony.  And now he’s just.... gone.  Go watch the Far From Home trailer that’s a lot of fun now :--))))  Pepper telling him that he can rest I- think I never cried more in my entire cinema experiences. When the reactor turned off it was over. I was trying so hard to not sob and be loud in my seat but I actually have no clue if I was loud or not because I was that deep in. Didn’t bring any tissues. That was a mistake I am never making again.  The funeral was beautiful.  The cheeseburger scene. Great. I actually had a burger yesterday and... It’s the first time I cried over a fucking burger.  I still can’t believe it happened. My brain is still not comprehending it. I just can’t believe...  I was SO convinced that Cap was the one who’s dying and I was SO convinced that they could not just get rid of Tony. But they did... They did that. It’s the end of an era. Truly.  And Morgan is going to grow up without a father now :---))) just end me.. This is fucking hell.  I’ve never cried this much in a cinema. Fuck Endgame. 

Okay so now I wanna talk about some plot stuff

The time travel I don’t fucking get 

Okay but can somebody explain to me how the time travel works? Maybe after I watch it a few times I’ll understand it better. I have some kind of idea how it probably works but I’m still veeery confused.  They made such a big deal about returning the stones back to the realities they borrowed them from. Okay. But how did they return them back in the way they were before?  The reality stone aka Aether was in Jane Foster, right? Tony, Thor or someone must have figured out a way how to put it in its stone version but can you put it back in Jane Foster then? So that nothing changes? Can you? Or do you have to? How much do we have to follow the rules of how things have been when we return them? Can it be given back in the stone form?  Same thing goes for the space stone. It was in the Tesseract. How did they put it back in the Tesseract? Did they have to? How. Does. This. Work?  And what about the soul stone? We know that Red Skull is the protector of it on Vormir but he is not the one who put the soul stone in there. So who did? And can they put it back? How did Steve put it back? He couldn’t have just given it to Red Skull right? Then Red motherfucking Skull would have the stone and it would fuck up some other reality. Just like when Loki took the Tesseract. I just don’t exactly understand this. Also if we made a huge deal out of the stones what about Mjölnir?? When Thor took it right before the dark elves attacked? Don’t they have to give it back as well? I get that he took it so that we could see Cap with Mjölnir but.... ???? I don’t remember if Steve had it with him when he was returning the stones he might have but he also had it when he was old sitting on that bench. He could have given it back just like the stones and maybe call it to himself when he needed it (which would probably confuse Thor a bit). I suppose Thor could still call it back when Steve had it in the past but that would mean there were two Mjölnir hammers at one point right? Because Steve went back to Peggy and at that point, Thor still had his hammer because Hella did not destroy it yet AND the thicc dummy Thor hasn’t taken it yet either.  So what if he called two hammers? Wouldn’t that be just really weird? Also what happens with that reality where Thanos is dead? It’s 2014 Thanos. I would think they have to put him back as well so that the whole snap can still happen.  I’m just super confused with EVERYTHING about this.  But the thing that is the weirdest to me personally is old Steve??? Like... Did he time travel from his own reality back to ours with the shield and  Mjölnir? Because he couldn’t have been in OUR reality right? The things they do when they travel to the past do not affect the present. No butterfly effect right?  Which means Steve couldn’t have lived in OUR reality with Peggy because in our reality Peggy had her own husband, children, and life.  So he must have traveled from our reality to the one where Peggy did not have a family yet and then when he wanted to go back to Sam and Bucky he must have traveled from that reality where he was with Peggy back to ours or this doesn’t make any sense. So why did we not see him in the time traveling suit?  That must mean in some other reality we have Peggy’s and Steve’s kids but not in ours. So does that mean there are two Steve’s in some other reality? Because Steve is still stuck in that iceberg.  IDK man I’m super confused how all of this worked. The stones, the hammer, and Steve.

I hope I made at least some sense in this. I highly recommend you to watch the SuperCarlinBrothers review they talk about some of the stuff I talked about here. If any of you who actually read this whole thing (wow kudos to you) want to chat about it you can message me or something IDK. I have no one to talk about this movie with rn so if you’re in the same situation you can definitely hit me up if you have some opinions, theories, and emotions. 

Also the little story I promised. 

I went to see Endgame on Thursday and I had to take a train that was leaving around 9:53PM to get back home. There is this park that I have to walk through to get to the road that leads to the train station. It’s basically like at least a 20-minute walk from the cinema to that train station.  So I got lost.... in the park. It was dark as fuck in there. I was in a city I barely know, heartbroken over THAT movie and I had to catch the train.  In the middle of all of that my mom called me and I was like barely holding back tears because THAT movie, I’m also lost in a dark motherfucking park in a city I don’t know, somebody is laughing loud as fuck in there and the train is leaving in like 15 minutes.  My mom later told me that I sounded weird like I was crying or something (which I almost was) I was panicking as FUCK. I eventually made my way out of that park but I did not catch the train. I even RAN to catch it. Still didn’t make it. Had to take a bus to get home.  It was a disaster.  I also sat outside of my apartment just looking at the dark sky around 11PM and cried my eyes out because TONY.  So that was a stressful journey home. 

In the end... The movie destroyed me. I’m not sure I am completely satisfied with everything that went down and how it went down but I still think they did a very good job with it.  I will forever miss Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff. It will never be the same without them. Thank you for everything. 

[nightcoremoon]

I love horror, I just have impossibly high standards

anyway some of my favorite is the kind that is totally normal from the start, there's nothing off kilter or weird, everything is fine. it's mundane. but then maybe something strange happens and it's less mundane, maybe it's more colorful or lively. but it's not like it's scary or anything. maybe it's a little left of center but it's still fine. life goes on as normal.

but then suddenly it's not fine.

and it recontextualizes everything up until now and you realize oh my god it wasnt mundane at all, it was just pillars of foreshadowing and you realize this is the most terrifying thing you've ever encountered.

maybe it goes on with the weird scary shit and things resolve themselves later, but that gives you time to breathe and get accustomed to the horror.

maybe it just ends. maybe it's just suddenly "surprise, shit is fucked!" and then ~fin

that would be ideal. like, in the sixth sense, you find out Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, you see him making peace with his death, and then the movie ends. except without all of the overreliance on shock horror and the visually disturbing (for the 90s) shots of the entire rest of the everything.

but if the twist happens at the halfway point and things stay absolutely horrible for a while that's also good, like coraline. started off pretty normal, got a little weird, and then suddenly boom ITS HORRIFYING OUT OF NOWHERE.

a perfect example of the last line twist would be the girl with the green ribbon on her neck. aww the boy likes the mysterious girl and they fall in love and get married, really normal the entire way. and then oh surprise HER HEAD COMES OFF. simple yet effective.

I don't mind if it starts out the gate with being seven levels of fucked. dead space 2 opens up with nicole, narratively speaking just moments after she end jumpscares you in the first game, so we're already off-put. then 60 seconds in we see isaac in a straitjacket being questioned and in the background there's flashes of being on the ishimura and nicole's ghost walks up to you and slavsquats and her eyes light up and she whispers, then SUDDEN WHITE oh cool it's ok look it's franco from dead space ignition that's cool aww he's saving Isaac oh wow it's a really creepy atmosphere OH MY GOD IS HEAD IS GETTING STABBED AND HIS FACE TURNS INTO A GODDAMN ZOMBIE HOLY SHIT THEYRE EVERYWHERE RUN BITCH RUN CHAOS LOUD MUSIC BLOOD GUTS FEAR QUICK MASH THE A BUTTON OR DIE!!! oh everything is quiet now. good job you survived, now walk down the corridor to the next intense scary part. lather rinse repeat.

I like horror when it's well executed or creative and not schlocky and relying solely on savini's gore or unnecessary carnage.

friday the 13th is like, oh wow that person just got an axe in their forehead, I sure am quaking in my boots. oh wow the tall stuntman picked up a sleeping bag and slammed it into a tree, this sure is realistic. oh the scantily clad teen girl is running slowly through the forest while cain hodder slowly walks towards her, and he somehow catches up and stabs her with the machete. wow the effects sure look like foam core and wax got cut in half and is squirting ketchup everywhere. the music is sonically engineered to force my pulse to increase and I guess this is horror? oh look someone else got murdered. oh look another murder. I'm sure glad we spent the first 45 minutes of this movie getting to know the shallow garbage characters before they all get merced. wow crispin glover sure does know how to shake his head when a prosthetic attached with fake blood is on his head. oh look a dead body with arrows in it, the scream queen is piercing my eardrums, I guess this means I should be scared too. yawn. it's so fucking boring just watching people die over and over again. at least the later installments were either hilarious or batshit crazy. punching a dude's head clean off was the funniest thing I've ever seen in a movie given the context, and JASON GOES TO SPACE is the dumbest shit in any film but that's what makes it awesome. it had a stupid fucking robot fight. yet everyone hated it, so they rebooted it and surprising literally nobody it was the same shit but with more cgi so it looked even less real (not that it did in the first place). yet this franchise made hundreds of millions of dollars in ticket sales alone. nowadays there are people who see hockey on tv and ask "why the fuck is that guy dressed up like jason voorhees".

tell me why a free swedish gold source mod with blocky graphics and muddy textures and the worst lighting engine in 20 years and some bad questionable design choices in an almost direct ripoff homage to silent hill 2 and resident evil 2, crammed with bugs and bad collision and hard crashes if you die in a specific level while holding a flare which you literally need to always have lit because that's the mechanic the entire level was built around, by a team of like 6 people (half of whom were the voice actors and navmesh modelers), is still one of the best and well-crafted pieces of horror media I've ever consumed, while trash like the fucking craven-less elm street remake gets its dick sucked by everyone else because OH WOW ITS SO SUBVERSIVE AND EDGY AND GORY WOW COOL THIS IS REAL TRUE HORROR!

of course I'm approaching this from a purely american lens. japan's horror is phenomenal. mainly because it's not built around buckets of blood and literal pig carcasses and abusing actresses and actual rape scenes (although it's funny that people are totally okay with all of the graphic murders because killing people is okay and indulging in torture porn is fine but oh, god forbid a film shows something skin-crawlingly uncomfortable for the sake of making you feel disgusted and wanting a cold shower, no, the line is drawn there, you can stab a naked girl with a power drill or drop a chainsaw on her body and that's fine but if a snowman slams her body into a wall while his carrot nose is inside her hoohah that's when it's going too far? seriously? whatever I've beaten this dead horse). but eurocanadamerica's obsession with gore porn in horror and blumhouse's shitty jumpscare factories have reduced it to just... loud noise, stabbing, loud noise, stabbing, lather rinse repeat. this is horror now I guess.

nobody takes coraline seriously as horror. nobody takes the green ribbon seriously as horror.

the monster chasing you isn't horror. it's terror. horror is when you step on a bear trap while the monster is chasing you. the monster chase without the bear trap has no impact, it's just "watch this person fear for their life and die". yeah, if I wanted to watch a snuff film I'd look outside of mainstream markets. "oh but if it's just a movie it's not real" so says the people who suicide bait cyber bully and harass teens who ship a 17 year old with a 19 year old, or two people who work with batman, all over fictional alleged pedophilia and incest. because it's all bad unless it's violence. only sex is bad but not violence.

the violence cannot stand on its own. it needs to have narrative purpose. resident evil, all of the zombies and monsters were bioweapons being manufactured by a corporation. silent hill and cry of fear, all of the monsters are just the embodiments of the protag's inner demons. dead space, the batshit crazy religious cult wants to turn everyone into the undead since that's their idea of heaven, and you have to fight them and stay alive so you can prevent the universe from getting omnomnommed by the blood moons. f.e.a.r., a little girl with some psychic powers is studied, tortured, abused, and :/ raped (at least you don't see it) and she naturally responds by lashing out at the ones who hurt her and trying to reunite with her baby, who is... you! (spoilers).

what is the plot of friday the 13th? dumbass kids get drunk and have sex and let a little kid go missing and his mom has a psychotic break and starts killing them all, then they kill her and the kid kills more people and then he kills more people and then he dies and comes back and kills more people and then he dies so someone else starts killing people and then jason comes back again and kills more people again and he gets arrested and they try to execute him but he won't die so they cryogenically freeze him until he kills people in the future, and in a different timeline he kills people and fights freddy krueger. it's pointless. popcorn. drivel. there is no narrative purpose, it's just murder for murder's sake. and that's scary???

like I said. impossibly high standards.

I love horror. but holy shit is a lot of horror bad.

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Attack of the Clones”

Why yes, I am doing this.  Because why not?

My apologies in advance because this post is so long...

*starts singing the Star Wars theme*

ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC!

OK, now you it’s a bad sign when they pan up.

They did it in Rogue One but I’m excusing that movie because it’s awesome

“There was no danger after all.”  Bullshit, Typo.

*Corde dies*  AND THEY BLOW YOU UP!  BOOM!

Wait, there’s an Imperial siren going off in the background.

PLO KOON!

Barriss!

Sly Moore!

LUMINARA!!!

Plo Koon’s prosthetics look terrible in the movies

Is that Uncle Ono from TCW in the hologram?

*starts imitating Ki Adi Mundi when he says “He’s [Dooku] a political idealist, not a murderer.” *

Fun Fact:  the guy who plays Ki Adi Mundi is the Ood in “Doctor Who.”  Mind blown.

I hate Obi-Wan’s mullet in this movie.

Obi-Wan’s like “freaking get me outta here” when Anakin compliments Padme

You can tell how much makeup they put on Natalie Portman in this scene.

“It’s overkill, Master.”  Obi-Wan’s the kill master...

“She hardly even recognized me...”  God dang it, Anakin.

*Jango Fett hands off the assassin centipedes*  God the green screen...

She [Padme] has the most unnatural sleeping position

Man, I feel bad for all the actors in the prequels.

How is R2 asleep and not hearing those bugs??

Fun Fact:  the SFX team used grapefruit to make the noises of the centipedes

OK, you’d be able to feel a bug crawling up your arm.

Imagine if Anakin freaking beheads Padme instead of the centipedes?

Cue end music.

“Stay here!”  BUT I...

Anakin, just fly freaking straight!

Gotta dramatically take my face cover off...

“I hate it when he does that.”

Which implies Anakin has done this before...

Anakin climbing on top of the bounty hunter’s airspeeder is almost exactly like Kanan on top of Fenn Rau’s ship in “The Protector of Concord Dawn“ except Kanan doesn’t lose his lightsaber.

OUR RIDE’S HERE!

Here’s a challenge:  try to identify all the freaking alien species in this Coruscant bar

Must be a Halloween party going on...

Did she just say “sleamo?”

Yep, I think she’s dead, Anakin.

SHAAK TI!

Yeah, you’re [Jedi Council] gonna let this horny 19 year old Padawan escort the love of his life back to her home without anyone else to help out.

GREEN SCREEEEEEEENNN!!

*Padme tells Jar Jar to fill her place in the Senate while she’s away*  Nooo....

The window cleaning droids!

Those are some huge ass robes on Anakin

Oh my God, Anakin...

“Sorry, m’lady.”  *groans*

I didn’t realize Padme’s handmaiden was crying!  Now I feel sad now!

OK, they can tell Anakin’s a Padawan:  he has his braid still in!  At least bobby pin in so that it blends in!

YOU WANNA CUP OF JAWA JUICE????

I freaking love this scene between Dexter and Obi-Wan.  Shut up.

Ewan McGregor’s got a little dimple or something on his forehead and I can’t stop looking at it.

“Hey, no droids!  Get out of here!”  says a droid

Padme just really likes wearing doilies in this movie.

AN:  Heads up, we’re only fifty minutes in at this point.

“We are encouraged to love.”  That’s a really loose interpretation, Anakin.

Take a shot every time Anakin says something really creepy about Padme in this movie.

*Obi Wan talks in the youngling class*  [gasp] Imagine if one of them is Kanan?

I don’t know whether or not he was an Initiate at this point.

*goes to consult the “Last Padawan” comic*

Wow, sudden scene change within a sentence!

SIO BIBBLE!

OH MY GOD, ANAKINNNNNNN....

The voice of Lama Su (Anthony Phelan) is so cool.

I DON’T LIKE SAND.  IT’S COARSE AND ROUGH AND IRRITATING AND IT GETS EVERYWHERE.

*DEEP INHALE*

There was literally no point to that scene other than to give Anakin and Padme an opportunity to kiss.

*whispers*  One of those clones is Rex....

So many freakin’ CGI clones...

And now a picnic...

“They [Jedi mind tricks] only work on the weak-minded.”  That’s a compliment, Padme.

“I’d be much too frightened to make fun of a Senator.”  But I am anyway!!!

*Anakin rides one of those living potatoes*  Behold, the Chosen One.

*Anakin falls off*  SO FAKE!!!

*Anakin and Padme roll around*  They’re not even on a hill!

*deep inhale*

I love how they got the same kid who played Boba Fett here back to play Boba in TCW

What’s with these weird close ups?

*Jango tells Boba something*  Please someone teach me how to speak Mandao’a.

Damn, look at the cuts on Jango’s face.

Apparently, George Lucas told Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman to improvise in the “aggressive negotiations with a lightsaber” scene but it went really NSFW really quick so they had to stop after the “negotiations with a lightsaber” line.

God, why does Padme wear that halter dress in THIS scene?

There is no reason why she should have changed from the previous scene.

God, you can tell how nonexistent the chemistry is.

“I’m haunted by the kiss you should never have given me.”  Well wait a minute, you kissed each other back and Anakin initiated it!

“My heart is beating, hoping that kiss does not become a scar.”

*GRIMACES IN IMMENSE PAIN*

God, Anakin, do you have to be so ANGRY?!?

WHY DOES PADME NOT SAY ANYTHING?!?

“You are asking me to be rational.”  YES, BE RATIONAL!!

*groans*  The dialogue in this freaking scene...

So they kinda vaguely wrap up the whole Sifo-Dyas C-plot in TCW but even then, we’re like WTH?

*Yoda says the Jedi can’t use the Force*  That’s like saying the Pope can’t talk to God.

“Jedi don’t have nightmares.”  Lies.

“I have to help her.”  *groans*

Slave I!

Obi-Wan, that lightsaber is your life.

Oh my God, the green screen!

Sorry, Obi-Wan, you would have no arm left after that stop.

Jango freaking bumped his head on the door...

What is with Padme’s costume here?

What is this explosion disc thing Jango uses to try to get rid of Obi-Wan?

*in best young Boba Fett voice* GET ‘IM, DAD, GET ‘IM!  FI-YAH!

Just a random thought:  what do the clones in TCW think of the Fetts?

I love this shadow shot of Anakin and Padme saying goodbye.

This is “Duel of the Fates!”  Why is it playing here?

Unless they’re referring to the fact that Anakin’s fate changes whether or not his mother is alive or not.  That sort of thing.

How do the Separatists not know Padme is still alive?  Unless Anakin does such a good job at hiding Padme on Naboo and Tatooine...

“The banking clan will sign your treaty!”  *in best alien voice*  ALSO I GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN A CAR DOOR!

This staccato music here when Anakin sneaks into the Tusken Raider camp is actually kinda cool.

The ten-second mother-son chemistry between Hayden Christensen and Pernilla August is probably the most compelling thing in this movie.

This music though.

Oh my God, the way Mace sits down!

OK Anakin, explain this body [Shmi’s corpse].

“OK, Hayden, just glare at the screen.  There ya go.”

“I’m good at fixing things.”  You know what you have to fix though?  Your mental state.

What is this hippie dress Padme’s wearing?

“I killed them.”  Did you kill them all?

“I killed them all.”  They’re all right, right?”

“They’re dead.”  Oh, so just the men.

“Not just the men.“  Oh, but like the old men?

“But the women-”  What?!?  But not the children!

“-and the children too.”  But they’re people!

“They’re like animals!  And I slaughtered them like animals!”  But you don’t hate them!

“I hate them!”

“To be angry is to be human.”  To kill Sand People divine.

Anakin is the worst friend ever.  His father figure is being held captive, and what does he do?  Listen to the Council like a sissy.

Oh my God, freaking Jar Jar, no...

Why does Obi-Wan’s ray shield cell spinny?

Wait, I forgot Dooku trained Qui-Gon!

“Dellow felegates.”  *immediately slams head on desk*

Oh my gosh, pterodactyls!

“I love democracy.  I love the Republic.”   I love it.. so much!

“I’m not a freaking goblin.”  says the freaking goblin.

*Anakin and Padme sneak through a tunnel on Geonosis*  This is like “The Great Mouse Detective,” where Basil and Dawson go through the sewer pipe to get to Ratigan’s lair.

When I was little, I used to be able to imitate and time the smashing machine on the assembly line.

*3PO gets into a mess*  Just... erase this whole gag entirely.

*rolls eyes loudly*

How did Anakin not see that mechanical arm swinging toward his face?

Ani, you have no arm at this point.

Imagine if Padme gets burned by lava.

None of the original trilogy happens.  Cue end credits music.

“Not again.  Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me.”

*in best Obi-Wan voice*  I hate it when he does that.

“I thought we weren’t going to fall in love.”  WHO D’YOU THINK YOU’RE KIDDING/ HE’S THE EARTH AND HEAVEN TO YA!

My love for Obi-Wan’s snark in this scene knows no bounds.

*Geonosians cheer when the Separatists cheer*  Heck yeah, I’d cheer for Christopher Lee too!

“She [Padme] seems to be on top of things.”  But not on top of Anakin yet.

[I am forcibly removed from the fandom] 

*starts imitating the nexu*

Wait, isn’t that big mantis crab thing from Ryloth?

Wait, nevermind:  the acklay are from some planet called Vendaxa.

*Padme lands in the saddle*  Sorry, you’d have no kids after that landing.

*starts imitating Nute Gunray saying “Jango!  Finish her off!” *

*The Jedi invade the gladiator arena*  HECK YEAH!

*starts naming off all the Jedi because I can*

GREEN SCREEN!

This whole scene was filmed on a green screen.

There was no point to that flip, Mace.

*Mace hits that rhino thing*  NOOOO!!!!

*Jango kills the rhino*  NOOOO!!!

Boba’s in the corner like “Whaat?  My dad just died??”

Kit Fisto’s smile.  Oh my God.

*3PO makes jokes while being dragged back to his appropriate body*  [groans] Just... kill me...

AAYLA SECURA!!!

*Ki Adi Mundi helps Kit Fisto onto the clone trooper ship*  Whaddya bet Ki Adi Mundi and Kit are like best buds?

What language is the Geonosian language based on?

“We must get the Star Destroyers back into space.”  When did your voice change?!?

“If they [the Jedi/the Republic] find out what we are planning to build, we are doomed.”  Circle inside of a circle?

*Dooku flies to his ship via speeder*  The Hoveround takes me where I wanna go...

What is this shaky cam zoom on the clones?

“We’re out of rockets, sir.”  HOW???

“Don’t let your personal emotions get in the way!”  OK, Obi-Wan totally knows that Anakin and Padme are a thing.

Sooo... why was Dooku’s ship halfway across the desert?

Because we needed dramaaa??

GREEN SCREENNNN!!!

My personal headcanon is that the clone that falls off the ship with Padme is Rex.

DOOKU’S FREAKY ASS SMILE!!

*Obi-Wan gets injured*  OK, man, get up.  You’ve survived worse.

*Anakin destroys the wire for the lighting*  DRAMATIC LIGHTING!

THEY’RE NOT EVEN HITTING EACH OTHER!

What is this Force-measuring contest between Dooku and Yoda?

There’s literally no point to it.  It’s just Dooku going “My use of the Force is bigger than yours!’

[I am forcibly removed from the fandom]

*Yoda catches the Sith Lightning with his hand*  OK, so this is totally unrelated, but in the Star Wars Force Arena game, you can get Kanan as a character, and HE DOES THAT!

FILONI, EXPLAIN!

*Yoda just jumps off the ship*  HARDCORE PARKOUR!

Why doesn’t Obi-Wan move himself and Anakin away from the falling pillar?  Are they just that injured?  Obi-Wan, you just have a cut on your arm and leg; you can move.

ANAKIN AND PADME ARE MAKING OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YODA AND OBI-WAN!!!

“Do you believe what Count Dooku said about Sidious controlling the Senate?”  He IS the Senate!

Where are all the other chairs?

“Begun, the Clone War has.”  Best line in the movie.  It’s also the last line in the movie.

Is Mas Amedda just yawning in the background?

Padme is just covered in doilies.

IT’S OVER!

*goes and watches the entirety of TCW*