#literally just go find someone willing?

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I guess since I'm the hell out of there and enough time has gone by I can explain what the hell was up with my name and rebrand while I was living with Fine and GB...

Because yes I completely changed my online image and my screen name and all my graphics after over 10 years of not doing that and kept changing my urls on zero notice... I even used Ai to make some new graphics again after that when I am in fact a digital artist myself and I know some people feel like that's a weird choice for me too.

Warning for just about damn near fucking everything:

After the first assault and then using my memory issues to do it the fuck again, it triggered me into remembering both instances and dumping all sense of connection to GB and I told him we weren't together anymore, so he wasn't allowed to use any of my stuff, or my bathroom -he also flooded it once and pretended nothing happened- and that he wasn't allowed to come into my back end of the basement anymore, and that I didn't want to speak to him about it.

In response he wrote me two separate and weird poems or notes acing like he didn't understand what was going or on claiming innocence about not understanding that his behaviour was harmful to me. Yes, do not put it past someone to try to force you to touch their dick and then act like that isn't harmful behaviour. Yeah, don't put it past them to wait until you don't seem to be remembering that it happened and that you have expressed that you never want to have sex again, when they know you have memory problems and issues with dissociating, to try to have sex with you again, and then act like that isn't harmful. Like they can't possibly know it would be harmful. Yes, even after being told I didn't want to kiss him either because of the risks to my health at the time, he still waited until I wasn't on guard to stop him, kissed me, then smirked and gasped about it, like he obviously fucking knew, and then tried to play innocent about it. He's say shit like "but why wouldn't you want me getting close to your mom?" and other shit like he was constantly testing to see if he could catch me dissociated again and not remembering what he did. All this after I explained how deeply traumatizing it was for men to do this to take advantage of me before. He knew. But he's skated by his whole life on everything by acting confused and like he can't understand. He understood well enough to use it to manipulate me until it stopped working.

He also started following me around. Anytime other people weren't home he would glue himself to my side and constantly talk to me and ask me questions about our relationship. Who I was going out with, constant grilling about who I was going to go see, where I was going, what my relationship was to anyone else I had contact with. "just curious :)" All after being told hundreds of times how stressing me out too much about something is how my brain ends up locking it in a box for later, after being told how making me stressed out about something is how to make me forget it involuntarily. Of course, thankfully, he misinterpreted what that meant, and had selective earwax about the part where once there was more bullshit than anything good, a switch would flip and he'd be stuck with the version of me that remembers -only- the abuse, while all the other memories die in their place... But the point is he started stalking and harassing me.

And he started going out of his way to get so fucking extra chummy and attentive with Fine and Tictacs and literally everyone around us.

He was my housemate and my only way to buy anything I needed online. We had to communicate over rent and bills and anything I couldn't buy locally.

And he started doing really ballsy shit like trying to bond with me over how 'stupid his therapist was being' by telling him he hadn't done anything wrong and how none of it was his fault "haha crazy ammairite? XD" Like he thinks I an so fucking stupid...

...

And then corona started, Fine infected me while trying to hide it was even happening because I was on a social media hiatus, and I got too sick to get out of bed, for months and he was the only one willign to bring me supplies.

Thankfully at that point he knew that if he tried anything overt I'd just call the cops... But he controlled my food, what cleaning supplies I got. I got really fucking sick multiple times after eating food he brought me, he refused to bring me the supplies I needed to clean up after the cats or to kill to toxic mould in my room from the flooding he helped cause... Bread he brought me was spoiling in 3 days with horrendous amounts of black mould, lots of things seemed tampered with.

I told my doctor he might be poisoning me and I wanted to get tests done and she said "well we can't do these procedures and tests on a 'maybe' u.u" As if the proof of him poisoning me didn't rely on those tests???

Yes you heard right, my doctor wouldn't confirm if my housemate was poisoning me so I could take legal action to stop him having physical access to me and my food in my own home!

And I couldn't tell you about it because he had access to my blog and to me in my own home!

Then after long enough of being deathly ill but not actually dying. He stopped. He just started refusing to bring me anything at all. He wasn't getting whatever he wanted out of bringing me supplies and just left me to die.

He kept letting the dryer exhaust flood into the whole basement where only my room was instead of doing what he was repeatedly told to do with the lint trap.

So, suffering the symptoms of multiple organ failure, post covid from hell, every autoimmune fuckery it triggered, CO exposure, black mould in my room with mould allergies that was closing up my lungs, Fine using cleaning supplies I was high-key allergic to and REFUSING to stop, having daily heart attacks from my blood minerals being wildly off from what I now realize was the same kidney malfunction causing me to not pee for a week around that time, and all the bone pain... Which I also told my doctor about, and the hospital, to zero fucking effect... and jaundiced as hell and barely able to remember what I was thinking for a whole 2 seconds at a time, I realized I was dying and absolutely no one would help me. I got angry about it.

Even my mother and Tictacs both, when asked to check in on me daily to make sure I responded, both waited a week before sending me some passive aggressive "so are you sill alive" fucking bullshit message and not waiting for a response. Like I cannot stress enough how much surrounded by people and actively asking for help, I am still alone in everything.

So I took the bed out of my room, treated it with the last watered down mould enzyme spray and built myself a replacement bed out of rope and palette board. Instead of a 3x6 foot mass harbouring moisture 6 inches over my floor, I had a woven net bed that was over a meter off the ground in the driest corner of my room with only a yoga mat in it to insulate me from the cold of the floor, so it wouldn't harbour moisture. I put a latch on the dryer exhaust and started cleaning the filter out myself. I researched my symptoms however I could and found things I could eat without having cardiac spasms. I started to be able to pee again after a week and all the pressure in my abdomen went away. I got less yellow. etc...

And how much of dying at the the time was corona and autoimmune VS being actively or passively poisoned? WHO KNOWS! My doctors sure as fuck weren't going to help me figure that out!

And the timeline is a little fucky for me because I had 1-2 viruses and my immune system trying to eat my brain while my organs failed and I was being exposed to carbon monoxide from the drier exhaust and to black mould. So forgive me if some of this is out of order, but this would be around the time you saw photos of the nest/bed I made in my closet. I couldn't tell you all of what was going on at the time. I think I also tried paper making because the humidity in my room had been jacked for over a year anyway??? I had needed something to work on in my room that kept me up and moving around.

I recovered enough-ish and started climbing out the back window of my room to get my own supplies, and so I could leave the house without him noticing and to avoid breathing upstairs. It's also how I had to take out my garbage and etc, because Fine and GB refused to do absolutely anything to not constantly bring corona into the house, but they mostly stayed upstairs. There was a living area downstairs but my room was down a hall after the laundry room off of that and so was my bathroom and neither of them had any excuse to be there. We remember this.

And yet I got the distinct impression he was coming in there when I was out.

In addition to following me around --but only when no one was paying attention or was home to notice, so he obviously fucking knew it was wrong-- he had my url to follow me here on tumblr.

And the problem is that your internet history maintains links, even if you change the url. Firefox would just update that shit. And most of the time he left the house he would take his whole desktop computer with him to his mothers, so I didn't have access to it.

You need physical access to a computer in most cases to good and truly wipe the links to sites that their browser has recently accessed. Just changing your url and IP does jack shit, and yes I know that.

And I had told him to stop checking up on me. To stop talking to me socially, to stop looking at my blog, to respect my fucking boundaries. After years of him hearing about how other people following me around or outright stalking me or fucking with my memory was a seriously fucking traumatizing issue that kept ruining my life.

And he kept saying shit to me he couldn't have possibly known unless he was checking up on my blog, and I just had to keep playing stupid so he wouldn't stop incriminating himself to me. Even after I deleted any follower that might conceivably be him. [yes I went through what was 300+ followers at the time, probably shot a lot of bots in the process]

I didn't want to lose all the followers I had gained for my writing etc, only to not shake him off my ass anyway because he had access to me in my own house!

So I did what I could. I changed my entire image to something that seemed a little out of left field at the time for me, so I didn't look like me anymore and the name was different, and kept changing the exact spelling of my URL across social media, unlinked things, got a vpn... And whenever he left the house and didn't bring his computer with him, I would sneak upstairs and repeatedly wipe his internet history and ect as thoroughly as I could... And then immediately change my url again and hope he wasn't also looking at my tumblr on computer systems at his mom's house.

All in the hopes that the link wouldn't be maintained and when he put in the name or spelling he thought he remembered he wouldn't be able to find me again. And if he did he might not be sure it was even me.

And I kept telling Fine and anyone else who would listen to not give him links to my social media, not to let him use their computers. I never knew if they took it seriously.

And I couldn't really say anything to you guys about the gritty details of what was happening -while it was happening- because he had 24 hour access to me in my own home and potentially still had access to my blog. So if I even seemed like I was too suspicious about the potential of being poisoned or if I looked like I was remembering the assault, etc... He would see that and have access to me. I don't know what details I have talked about since but I do know I've probably been too angry/avoidant to really give the full rundown in context... Probably, my memory is shit.

So I used people coming into our yard and fucking with our bikes as an excuse to get him to help me buy a security camera online. I tried to confirm multiple times with him that it would work on any system, because I prefer cheap android phones, and he kept just saying "it'll work with what you have :)" and that's why I am stuck with a stupid apple product that will ONLY work on the replacement phone his mother gave me second hand, or another 600$ fucking dollar phone [also my new phone only got broken because of him sabotaging me too, but that's another story... but also it will work with my tablet and I bet he didn't fucking think of that now did he?]... But I took that security camera and I aimed it down the hall facing away from my room, so I would be alerted and have video evidence any time someone tried to approach my room.

And I lived like that because having to move during the pandemic by rights should have killed me.

But eventually, Fine was threatening to move out and leave me alone with him, to go live with a guy she knows wants to fuck her in a very one-sided way out in BC, with him promising to pay for everything and let her live with him... And wouldn't listen to sense... So I had to chose between bringing another roommate or two into that existing circumstance, and telling them about the problem, thus guaranteeing we would never find anyone, or not telling them about the problem...

But see my landlord actually had a legal obligation, as my landlord, to evict other tenants who were abusing me. Like that's in his fucking job description, legally! Replacing both of them would be better than any other option...

So I bit the bullet and told my landlord what GB was doing to me. The landlord who kept acting like my friend and kept saying we were friends and I could go to him if there was a problem.

And he told me that'd have to be "between [me] and the police :)" That he wasn't going to put himself in the middle of it or help me.

...

And then within 3 months he decided to sell the house and evict us.

And when he brought up having another apartment in a building he managed/owned that he could rent to one of us, Fine leapt to try to snatch it up right in front of me, both of them knowing the situation I was in, and I never heard back about it. [So much for "I would never let you be homeless u.u" right, Fine? But then you didn't care GB kept trying to rape me either and kept calling that a "two sided issue" so I don't know what the fuck I expected. Not only would you -let- me be homeless and assaulted but you'd sell me to Satan for a corn chip... Don't worry she won't see that because I told her to stop looking at my blog too, so if she does that's a 'her' problem]

Which is how I ended up being forced into a 1000$ apartment on a disability pension that I at least get to myself.

And well I have certainly been documenting how THAT all went with the movers and their bullshit and everything I have been struggling with since...

And that's why I was such an obnoxious asshole with changing my url for a while there and why suddenly rebranding with no fucking warning after I spent years not doing that, and promising I wouldn't do that unless it became necessary.

I wasn't out here -trying- to make it hard to follow me or keep track of who I was for anyone, just GB. Well, him and every other stalker I have had or every other person who didn't respect it when I told them to stop reading my blog...

That's the stalking issue I was having, not -THAT- guy, not the second guy, not Moriarty again... Just like... The latest guy.

[solarpunkani]

sometimes spite is a powerful motivator and today its motivating me to crochet

long story short I saw a cool bag on pinterest while I was looking for crochet patterns but there was no fucking pattern but one of my friends found a pattern for a similar but not quite bag so I watched an hour long video, transcribed it into text, and am now gonna make a wholeass backpack just because Sunflower Vibe

Wish me luck I guess

Also this is the bag

[kraviolis]

im gonna say it. the only people who genuinely think willow "forgave" amity too quick are all under 17 years old

[jrwiyuri]

Aromantic chip jrwi.. save me aromantic chip jrwi

[phantajam]

my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)

[euphor1a]

to the boyfriend i want so hopelessly but will never have, happy birthday milove ♡

[medicinemane]

It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move

Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)

Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back

...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet

[zonotrichia-albicollis]

Giant personal vent time

This guy stole somewhere between 3 to 6 MILLION dollars from my grandmother by conning my great aunt into signing over her estate and medical & financial power of attorney to him literally on her death bed

I and my aunt have been working basically a whole second job the last 3 months trying to get together a legal case to go after this guy. And now my grandma wants to drop it. And no one else has standing so what the fuck can we do.

This man has absolutely done this to other ppl before, there is no doubt in my mind. I’ve seen his property records for just what’s publicly available in my county and it’s sketchy as hell. I am never going to get over this but there’s nothing I can do.

Gonna put like a million more thoughts in the tags because I’m losing my fucking mind.

[musical-chick-13]

.

[joestarfucker420]

going from being ashton all week to being my legal name again is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

[blujayonthewing]

sometimes I think about this twitter exchange that went around awhile back that was like "[actress] SLAM DUNKS rude guy" or whatever

but the "rude guy" was commenting some pretty normal criticism of a movie as a response to someone else's tweet about that movie, and SOME THIRD PARTY was like "Oh yeah??? well why don't you say that to @[actress]'s FACE"

like what the fuck!! why are we spreading this around like some totally deserved epic smackdown!! he wasn't TRYING to be rude to her FACE!! you should be allowed to be unimpressed with someone's acting on social media without the risk of having that person be PERSONALLY SUMMONED TO DESTROY YOU OVER IT

[trans-leek-cookie]

im going to kill myself a million times. Why do I still see ppl acting like "ace people who enjoy sex? That's not what ace means!" Like maybe you're right idgaf but I feel like ppl do not understand or acknowledge that The physical sensation of stimulation that sex produces is obviously connected to but not inherently attached to sexual attraction.

Actually I'm going to go further and talk about the fact Sexual assault is one example of something involving sexual interaction that doesn't require attraction. Like attraction can be a factor I'm not saying it's never an element but it is not INHERENT to ASSAULT. And I think the idea that sex = attraction is not accurate and needs to be acknowledged bc of it. Also note ace people can sexually assault and/or harass people because 'sexual' actions are not only tied to attraction. And on the flip side: people can be "aroused" by sexual assault bc of the physical stimulation and that doesn't say shit about their sexuality. It's a physical response.

Like I don't really give a shit Abt if ace people can like sex or if ppl who like sex can't be ace or whatever but the implications of these discussions make me want to hurt myself and others

Also sex repulsed =/= asexual because people can experience sexual attraction and still have problems with sex. For example: people who struggle with accepting their sexuality and unlearning/uninternalizing societal bigotry like homophobia and transphobia may be repulsed by sex. Sexual assault survivors may still experience sexual attraction but be repulsed by sex. and sexual repulsion can be permanent or temporary based on the person.

And I'm almost sure unless I've been misinformed by a lot of ppl: hypersexuality is not incompatible with asexuality. From my understanding, hypersexuality is not a measure of "how sexual" someone is, it's closer to an OCD obsession focused on sex, where people can have intrusive thoughts that are sexual, or assume they need to provide for someone sexually to be "of worth" + is often a trauma response rather than a reflectiom of attraction or desire

[steviescrystals]

my dad confuses me on the daily

[raeofgayshine]

I made a joke about how every wedding should have Butter Barn Hoedown played at, because it’s honestly an iconic song. This led to my friend agreeing and saying they were going to bring it up to a mutual friend (though primarily their friend) for his (gay) wedding.

I made another joke after that if only I was marryable (alas I am aroace and have no desire even for a platonic marriage to be honest unless someone came along I felt comfortable enough for that with), I would play Butter Barn at my wedding.

And see. Here’s the thing I will be thinking about for a long time.

My friend then said, and I have no idea if this was a joke or serious, that I could just come to mutual friends wedding as their platonic date and all three of us could enjoy Butter Barn at a wedding together (And I could go to my first wedding also).

I don’t know if it was a joke. I don’t care either. The fact they would even joke about something like that, that I’m like enough of a friend they would consider that. Fuck dude, what am I supposed to do with that information? That makes me feel things

[piracytheorist]

Idk I just really like that Twilight's reaction to being told "Your wife used to be a prostitute!" is to go like

and proceed to say how honourable and worthy of respect her dedication, self-sacrifice and mental fortitude are, and how we're shown he actually means that.

And then my girl Yor sees his reaction and hears his words and for the first time in her life she goes like "This is a man who literally just met me and has no connection to me yet he not only understands my position, he's also willing to bring himself out there and have my back when other people have free bait to judge me" and like damn how important that was to her, to have someone (who doesn't owe his survival to her like Yuri does) actually see her and respect her choices and have the absolute BEST of faiths in her. Like, what Camilla says there has the societal power to make her look like a pariah. Yet this dude comes over and without knowing anything about her, he vouches for her and immediately assumes her reasons were noble and altruistic. And though he doesn't know what profession he's actually vouching for, he's completely right in his assumption about her intentions, and considering how easily the general public judges sex workers, it's no surprise this support gives Yor the courage to believe Loid will understand her and won't think bad of her if she ever disappears on them due to her work, because he's open-minded enough for his first and immediate assumption about her is that she has good intentions.

And I just wanna SCREAM because she has absolutely no idea how little he will judge her about her assassin gig. She already considers herself lucky she's come across someone who is compassionate enough to think the best out of someone who works in a profession that is not considered "morally acceptable" by the public. But she has no idea the actual jackpot she's hit, because his own profession is far more dark and sinister yet he still has the kindness and empathy in his heart to understand people who do the same as he does.

Like, that's it with her character, isn't it? She sacrificed her own youth and morality to help Yuri grow up and be educated, and that caused him to idolize her, and because he was the only family she had left, she has been desperate to not cause any of her ties with him to break. But it also caused her impostor syndrome, and she had no confidence in any of her abilities aside from killing and cleaning up after her work, because she lives in a misogynistic society that is suspicious of unmarried women (like, that judgment alone, considering unmarried men don't experience such scrutiny, can be enough to damage a woman's psyche) and because she has been working under a man cruel enough to hire orphaned teenagers as assassins and nearly kill them in tests of their abilities ever since she was a teenager. For her it was either "I'm either perfect in something or I'm completely useless and I deserve people's judgment". Because if Yuri sees she doesn't have the perfect record, she thinks he will be horrified and she'll lose the ties to her last remaining family. And she will think she deserved that. If her killing skills waver in the slightest, she will be killed, either by enemies or by the Shopkeeper doing his little "tests". And she will think she deserved that. And if she doesn't abide by the society's expectations, she will at best be judged and mocked (for not cooking at home) and at worst get arrested (for being suspected as a spy). And she will think she deserved that.

Yet again, this stranger comes along, is told she's worked a socially shameful profession, knows she's shy and with so few connections that she can't even find someone to act as her pretend boyfriend for a party, and he supports her. And then he finds out how socially unskilled she is, how terrible she is at cooking, how she can't even pretend to kiss him for their mutual benefit, how she has the tendency to get so drunk she accidentally kicks him unconscious... And those things that she considers fatal flaws of her, he says are parts of her that she doesn't need to pretend don't exist. That's who she is, and there's nothing to fix, and she can just accept them without feeling bad or ashamed of it, that pretending she's someone else, someone perfect, will only make her miserable and exhausted.

And like... fuck. How can she not feel glad she got to marry that guy?

And how much will her heart break when she finds out he's a spy and will immediately doubt all the supportive words he's told her? And how astonishing will it be when she finds out that he actually meant pretty much everything he's told her, and that he really resonates with her and believes in her?

(anime only here, don't spoil me for the manga)