#literally brain could not come up with a single thing for the trolls prompt the entire time the prompts have been posted

[overa4leafclover]

Hammerhunter Week 2021, Day 3, "After the War."

hey!! this is late bc something came up yesterday and i didnt have time to finish it yesterday, BUT basically au where toby survives ROTT but his legs are paralyzed

also i had nothing for the trolls prompt so this somewhat works out lol

[gar-trek]

please share what you have to say about food cubes!!

I was feeling a little apprehensive about releasing the TOS Food Document™ because it is so damn long…. But since you asked anon

DISCLAIMER:

This is focused solely on food as it appears in the original series. Whatever explanation of food synthesizer/replicator that may come in later series does to apply here. I am also not a Star Trek expert. I’m sure there is some super fan out there who knows everything there is to know about food in TOS, but that person is not me. This is just my thoughts as I’ve observed instances where food is shown or mentioned in TOS. If my thought process is flawed, or I make some claims that don’t really make sense, I am sorry. The food canon is very complicated and vague, so this is me just trying my best to make sense of it. I’d also like to mention I did not explicitly cover the meal scene in What Are Little Girls Made Of? Or the ice cream scene from And The Children Shall Lead, but I do make reference to them. I’m sure there are other food scenes I didn’t get to cover here, so if I’m missing a few pieces, I’m sorry.

Anyway… let’s get into it!

The original series, food, and other things that keep me up at night

I don’t care about continuity or plot holes in Star Trek: The Original Series, and if I did, I think the show would become rather unwatchable. It’s not about what happens to get us from plot point A to B, but more important that we do get there (ie, who cares how or why Spock’s brain has been removed from his body, it’s more important that we do get it back inside).

This being said, there is one aspect to TOS that baffles me to no end, and its something I just cannot overlook: the food. Food, the entire concept of it as it appears in TOS haunts me. Each time they show or mention food it makes less and less sense. It’s a never-ending nightmare and I spend every day trying to understand what goes on in the Enterprise Cafeteria. Today I would like to explore a couple food instances on TOS, and hopefully make a little sense of what is happening.

The first chilling incident: The Man Trap (S1E2) - Rand is a thief

In this episode, we see Yeoman Rand on her way to deliver Sulu his meal. She is carrying a tray of colored food cubes (which is what I will be referring to them as here, because there is no official name) and what we can assume to be some kind of alien variant of celery (earth celery with some red crap stuck on top). While waiting for the turbo lift, Rand eats one of the celery sticks intended for Sulu. My question is why. Like literally why does this happen. Sulu never mentions it (maybe he doesn’t notice). She never mentions it to him, which means we can assume she doesn’t want him to know. So why is Rand stealing food? Does she not get enough to eat? Is the limits for how much you get to eat on the Enterprise that strict you need to turn to thievery to get a proper meal? and if that the case, she’s shorting Sulu on his allotted food. In this same scene, we see Ensign Green (who is really a salt-sucking monster) make a grab for the tray as if he too is going to steal Sulu’d food. However, Rand slaps his hand away and asks “who do you think you are?”, a hypocritical statement considering Rand is also in the act of stealing food. So Rand, I must pose the same question to you. This scene has no resolution, so any interpretation is up to the viewer. Whether you think Rand's actions make her a girlboss or a thief, is up to you, however, one thing is undeniably true: Rand eats food off other people's plates.

Other food-related things of note in this episode is that Sulu sprinkles salt on the celery sticks. This means they are either bland or that's just his personal taste. Also, when Rand gives him his tray, he says “may the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet” and this has nothing really to do with food, I just thought it was kind of badass.

(Sulu’s food tray with 3 celery instead of 4 because Rand ate one)  

Incident two: Charlie X (S1E3) - synthetic meatloaf

In Charlie X, we see Captain Kirk make this comment in passing:

“Today on earth it is Thanksgiving, if the crew has to eat synthetic meatloaf I want it to look like turkey.”

This statement leaves us with a couple undeniable truths:

1. Meatloaf is a meal option on the Enterprise.

2. It is synthetic, meaning the meatloaf may not contain any meat at all.

3. It is not shaped like turkey, but it is possible to do so.

if the meatloaf served on the Enterprise is synthetic, then it very well could be made out of the same stuff the colored food cubes are made out of. Also, (and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt) since we never hear anyone refer to the colored food cubes by name, they could literally be the “synthetic meatloaf” that Kirk is referring to here. In this case, the term synthetic meatloaf would not mean a synthetic version of the popular American dish meatloaf but instead loafs of synthetic meat. Since we do not know exactly what synthetic meat looks like, it very well could be brightly colored cubes.

In either case, Kirk is asking them to turn synthetic food from one shape to another. We understand this is possible through the food synthesizer, however, if all the food they eat on the Enterprise is synthetic anyway, then why did Kirk specifically mention synthetic meatloaf in the shape of turkey? would the turkey not instead be made out of synthetic turkey? why must the synthetic turkey be made specifically out of meatloaf? isn’t every single food that comes out of the food synthesizer made out of the same thing? It would have made more sense for Kirk to say “it's thanksgiving so can you made the food synthesizers produce turnkey?”. However, Kirk is like, a really cool guy, so it is possible that the meatloaf comment is just a fun joke. Either way, we know that synthetic meatloaf is a standard menu item on the enterprise, yet we have never seen anyone consume it.

Incident 3: The Corbomite Maneuver (S1E11) - Green leaves

In this episode, Kirk goes in for a physical, and Doctor McCoy reports that the captain is 2 pounds overweight. In response to this, the Doctor changes the captain's dietary card to help him lose a little wight (🙄). We later see the captain served a “dietary salad” in place of his usual meals. The existence of dietary salad is interesting for many reasons. Most importantly, we understand that dietary salad is somehow better for you than what is usually served on the Enterprise. It most likely has a lower caloric intake than say, colored food cubes. However, as discussed before, most if not all the food on the Enterprise is synthetic. If the food is created, and not naturally made, then one can assume its caloric value can be controlled. Would it not be possible to make a lower-calorie version of colored food cubes? one would assume that the cubes are made to have the perfect amount of nutrients to satisfy yet keep humans a healthy weight if they are in fact a form of synthetic man-made food. How would the captain overeat, if portions are pre-determined by dietary cards? Is Kirk somehow going rouge and consuming food that is not created by the food synthesizer (the captain's secret cookie stockpile??).

The existence of this salad also begs another question: is it synthetic as well, or are they growing fresh salad on the Enterprise? We do know that they are able to grow things on the ship, however, there has never been any discussion of growing crops specifically for consumption. If this is the case though, it may explain why we often see crew members eating celery sticks. Perhaps things like celery sticks and dietary salads are grown on the Enterprise, but all other food is synthetically created. In which case, who’s job is it to harvest food and prepare it for meals? Did Rand have to put that dietary salad together all on her own?

One more interesting point about the Salad: When Kirk first receives it, he asks

“what in the devil is this? Green leaves?”

which prompts Rand to explain that it’s a salad. It is very possible that Kirk genuinely has no idea what a salad is. He may have never had one, nor heard of the food in his entire life. Later we see him eat the salad with his hands, which further proves the point that captain kirk doesn't know what salad is. Why captain Kirk would somehow have no knowledge of salad is up to speculation.

Incident 4: The conscience of the king (S1E14) - Cry over spilled milk 

In this episode, Lieutenant Riley is served colored food cubes and a glass of what appears to be milk. There isn’t much of significance here, other than the fact we know it is possible to get a glass of milk with your meal on the Enterprise. Unlike Sulu, Riley doesn’t have any celery sticks but seems to have a larger serving of colored food cubes as compensation. We also learn that milk is served in a large glass, something that seems very impractical on a starship.

Riley proves my point moments later when he spills milk on a control panel and shatters the glass. This begs the question, who is going to clean that up?

Incident 5: Tomorrow is Yesterday (S1E20) - Chicken noodle soup

In this episode, the Enterprise accidentally beams a 60′s army man abroad their ship (for the second time). This random chad ensign asks the man if he’s hungry because he’s a troll I guess and he wanted to flex their cool future food machine. The army captain guy is like sure, I could go for some chicken soup right now (a very natural response to being beamed onto a spaceship for the first time). Chad ensign has like three cards in front of him, and I guess one of them just happens to be chicken soup because he puts it in the machine and the soup appears. Grant it, we never actually get to see the soup with out own eyes, but the army captain does seem to be pretty convinced that it is chicken soup just by the smell. This opens up a couple possibilities:

-The food synthesizer can make almost anything you want, and the card is maybe like a very broad category, like a dinner card, and when you put it in you can pick any dinner food you’d like.

or

-The food synthesizer can only make what is specific to each card, and the ensign just got extremely lucky and happened to have a card that was the exact food the army captain wanted.

More evidence, which we will go over later, points more towards the theory that one card is equal to one specific type of food. In this case, it is unclear how the synthesizer food cards are distributed, or how you get your pick of what food you would like. It is also more likely that options would be limited. This does make sense, however, it makes this scene very confusing, as, as I’ve pointed out, the ensign had a very limited number of cards, but exactly what the captain had asked for. Pure luck? what mind game was that Chad ensign trying to play with the poor man who was abducted from earth... we will never know.

One more very interesting thing is established here: The transporter room has a food synthesizer. Why this is is purely up to speculation. In my mind, having a food synthesizer in the transporter room would be like having a full kitchen where you park your car. Seems pretty useless, but maybe the guys in the transporter room requested easy access to snacks? Why the transporter room would get this special privilege is again, up to speculation.

Incident 6: Space Seed (S1E23) - Dinner with Khan

In Space Seed a special dinner is put together to welcome Khan onto the Enterprise. We see that they are being served colored food cubes and celery sticks. Doctor McCoy walks into the dining room and comments about how the display is “very impressive”. However, this seems like a very unusual comment considering we are shown the only food we have ever seen consumed on the Enterprise. What exactly makes this food “impressive” as compared to other celery sticks and colored food cubes? Is there some way to tell this particular food is better that we don’t know about, but is obvious to everyone on the Enterprise?

There is also a chance that Doctor McCoy is just very easily impressed with food, and upon seeing any food spread he is likely to comment in wonder. Note the way Scotty is looking at McCoy. His face is a mixture of confusion, judgment, and pity. Perhaps Scotty is thinking to himself “bruh, it’s literally just colored food cubes chill out man,”. There is no explanation as to why Scotty is giving McCoy such a look, so this very well could be the case. Even though it is a silly explanation, I don’t think it should be ruled out that one of McCoy’s personality traits is being overly excited about food of any kind.  

Incident 7: Journey to Babel (S2E10) Party food

Much like in Space Seed, in this episode, we get to see a meal put together for a special occasion. All the diplomates are getting down at a mixer where a spread of food has been provided. These snacks seem very similar to colored food cubes, however I do think they differ. They may be the same type of food, but different in some way. In which case colored food cubes is an overarching category of food, and here we see two different types. The smaller more brightly colored cubes can be put in drinks, though if this is what you are supposed to do with them, or just the preference of that one alien species I do not know. Though I must point out, we have seen colored food cubes served in brown sauce in What are Little Girls Made Of? (S1E8) so it is not completely unheard of to have your colored food cubes served soggy.

The other type of colored food cubes we see are a lot larger and more pair shaped (in reality, they probably were just skinned pairs dipped in food coloring, but for this essay, it’s important that we completely ignore the fact there is another life outside of Star Trek). Now to me, these are very interesting, because the dull color and apparent texture are a lit more similar to standard colored food cubes we have seen thus far. I would even go o far to say that this is the same exact food, just sans the cubed shape. So really, standard colored food cubes are just the cubed version of whatever this food is. This, again, is just speculation, but it does point us to the fact that colored food cubes are not naturally cubed (I’m going somewhere with this is promise)

Incident 8: The Trouble With Tribbles (S2E15) The trouble with Chicken sandwichs

Here we see Kirk attempting to order a chicken sandwich and coffee. What he gets instead is a plate full of tribbles,  hilarity ensues. I think this scene is interesting because we can add to our list of food items that are on the menu at the enterprise cafeteria: chicken sandwich. However, this is another food item we do not see. There is no way of knowing if the Enterprise's version of a chicken sandwich is what we would imagine a chicken sandwich to be. Much like the meatloaf and the soup, because we do not see it, there is no way of knowing if the food exists in the way that we as 21st-century people understand it. The events of TOS take place more than 200 years in our future, so to speculate that food could change a lot during that time isn’t a stretch. I don’t know, just some food for thought (lol)

Incident 9: By Any Other Name (S2E22) Living deliciously

In this episode, an alien taking the form of a human enjoys some colored food cubes. He makes a comment about how they are good they are while enthusiastically eating his food. This is a very important moment because it tells us that colored food cubes do taste good. In fact, they taste really good. Just before he eats, the alien comments on how humans could just take pills that give them all their nutrient needs and give up food completely (think the Jetsons cartoon). On the Enterprise, they do not eat just to live, but because they enjoy their food as well. This tells us that colored food cubes are at the very least, worth eating, and at the best, very delicious.

One more interesting thing: Spock is eating some kind of soup while everyone else enjoys colored food cubes. This could be a Vulcan preference, however, we know that Spock is vegetarian. This could be alluding to the fact that Colored Food Cubes are made out of meat.

Conclusion:

Yes, I asked a lot more questions than I answered. There are some things that make absolutely no sense to me, primarily, the food synthesizer and diet cards. Some evidence points to the fact that the food synthesizer can make practically anything (see Tomorrow is Yesterday, And the Children Shall Lead). However, one dietary card is equal to one specific food, which would mean they would have to produce a lot of these dietary cards if there is many meal options. How these cards are distributed, and what their limitations are, we do not know. And although we do not know the limits of what the food synthesizer can create, we do know these food have been served on the enterprise at least at one point:

-colored food cubes (variety)

-celery

-synthetic meatloaf

-synthetic turkey (Thanksgiving Special)

-Dietary Salad

-Milk

-Chicken Soup

-Chicken Sandwich

-Mystery Soup

-Ice cream (variety of flavors)

All of this food (except for maybe the dietary salad and celery) are synoptically created, so what they are actually made up of, I cannot say.

And finally, I would like to make a point about the colored food cubes. I think upon first inspection one would assume colored food cubes is a dish created specifically for space travel (think the food created for modern-day astronauts to consume in space). However, we learned that there is possibly a variety of colored food cube dishes. Since there is such a wide variety of food on the Enterprise, why would they also need to create a food specifically for space travel? I think that colored food cubes are actually a common dish, not intended specifically for space travel. Perhaps it was an alien food that got popular on earth, maybe it was a dish developed later in Earth's history by humans. I can only speculate, but I do think it is more than just boring space food. Everyone seems to have a preference for it, so I think it’s a dish you can eat over and over again and not get sick of. What colored food cubes taste like is completely up to speculation, but I would assume they are a savory food, considering we often see people enjoying them for their main meal.

I still have more to say, but for the sake of everyone, I’ll end it there. This was a lot of thought dumping, so if some of the things I said made no sense at all, I’m sorry. I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on TOS food! please share with me what you think colored food cubes would taste like :)

[robertdowneyjjr]

Stony prompt, all throughout SHIELD Steve is known as a horrible computer person, think like single finger typing, clicking all the links you shouldn't, doing scams etc. Tony's super confused though cause some of his dad's and Peggy's stories talk about how good he was at the early computer Howard made. So Tony trusts his gut and gives Steve a top of the line computer, and when Steve brings it back with virus, Tony says you got it on there, you can get it off, Steve grins

HAH.

The thing is, Steve didn’t set out to be such a troll when he first woke up. He had 70 years’ worth of history and scientific and technological advancements to catch up on so he wasn’t about to waste any more time than he had to.

So when Maria Hill puts a laptop down in front of Steve and tells him to take it to the IT department to get it set up, he’s so excited about getting his hands on new tech he almost trips on the way to the computer labs.

Except he gets to SHIELD IT and it’s run by a bunch of assholes. They treat him like he’s an idiot, deliberately speaking slowly and dragging certain words out as if they’re speaking a foreign language that Steve wouldn’t understand. They patronize him and set up the laptop so that it’s “idiot-proof”, easy enough to work on that even a 90 year old could use its basic functions. They basically turn what would have been a beautifully functioning computer into a brick that barely does anything. Steve’s seething by the time he leaves the room.

Because he’s secretly petty af, he decides then and there to make life very difficult for the IT Pricks. He pretends to be as dumb as they think he is and goes back every other day with a new “issue” on his phone or computer. When they fix his stuff he insists that they should just give him instructions on how to do things instead of directly fixing it themselves. So he spends hours in the computer labs single finger typing the code that the IT Pricks tells him to, clicks links he knows are wrong, and turns off the computer “by accident” whenever it looks like they’re close to solving the issue. The IT Pricks hate him just as much as he hates them, and they tell everyone how terrible Captain America is at new technology.

Tony’s super confused though because he’s heard the stories from Howard and Peggy. He’s read the history books. Everyone who knows Cap talks about how quickly he was able to figure out how a HYDRA weapon works. Dude was never trained on how to fly a plane but he did just that when he saved the world (yeah he plunged into the water, but he did that deliberately). So Tony knows Steve can’t possibly be as dumb as everyone says he is unless being frozen for close to a century killed all his brain cells.

He gives Steve the latest of SI’s line of products which includes a laptop, tablet, and phone, and tells him to just let JARVIS or himself know if he ever runs into any issues with the tech. Steve, who’s used to dealing with the IT Pricks, initially thinks that Tony, as the face of technology, would be just as terrible as those assholes if not worse. So the first thing he does when he gets to his room and boots up his laptop is slow it down by downloading three of the most useless anti-virus softwares he knows, a torrent program, and a knockoff version of Microsoft Office. Then he opens a few porn sites on Internet Explorer and lets the pop up ads just fill up the entire screen of the computer.

Then he takes the laptop to Tony and asks him to fix it. “I don’t know what happened,” he says. “I was just on the Google searching for food in the area and all of this popped up.”

Tony squints at him a little bit. He literally gave the laptop to Steve thirty minutes ago. No true tech-stupid person could get all of that to happen that quickly. So he looks at Steve dead in his eyes and tells him, “Listen, Steve. You’re a smart guy and I’m not an idiot. I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but you got that crap on your computer. You can get it off yourself. Come to me when there’s a real problem.”

Steve’s shocked. He’s never been treated this way by anyone before. Every person always just looked at him like he was an idiot. They scoffed whenever he spoke and rolled their eyes when they thought he wasn’t looking. They always thought he was an idiot and he was happy to play along just to wind them up.

But Tony? He didn’t believe any of it for a second. He straight up told Steve that he knows he’s smart and doesn’t treat him like he’s a child or a senile old man.

Steve grins and plops himself down right next to Tony on the workshop couch, and proceeds to fix the computer himself. Then he logs on to Yelp to check out new restaurants while he quietly figures out how to ask Tony on a date.

[raitrolling]

The Best Gift Ever

Your wriggling day has never been something you’ve celebrated. You don’t really see why it’s so important to make a big deal out of being another sweep closer to conscription, and you really don’t care to throw a party over something so unnecessary. While you felt obliged to tell your neighbours when your wriggling day was back when you considered them your friends (and you definitely don’t wish to spend any time ‘reminiscing’ on those days), when it comes to the people you met later in life you never mentioned it.

Meaning that the box wrapped in childish gift wrap with a hideously oversized blue bow that was left outside your door could have only come from one person. And that person is casually leaning against the door to his apartment, not even bothering to hide the stupid smirk plastered on his face.

“Wow, looks like you got a secret admirer, huh? I’m jealous,” Aiolos quips, folding his arms and letting out a small chuckle. You roll your eyes.

“What bullshit prank is this? I know it’s you who left it here,” You retort.

“Me? Psh, no way. Why’d I ever leave you a gift? I just deliver the gifts. Like, I know you try your best to give as little of a shit about your neighbours as possible, but I know you know I have a delivery job. Besides, check the tag. It says it’s from ‘Your Secret Admirer’,” he grins. “So, spill the beans. Who’s the probably-not-very-lucky guy? How’d you get someone to tolerate your sourpuss attitude? I bet he’s a real lemon-sucker-”

“What the fuck does that mean.” You kneel down to examine the tag left on the gift, and sure enough, it says ‘from Your Secret Admirer’, or at least that’s what you can interpret from the sad attempt at handwriting. Clearly whoever wrote it isn’t someone who cares to take their time when it comes to shitty pranks they most likely thought of at the last minute. You glare up at him. The air slowly starts to chill as you clench your fist.

The other blueblood pays it no mind. Or he’s pretending he doesn’t notice. You suppose he’s used to your anger issues by now, given both how long he’s known you and how often he goes out of his way just to piss you off.

“A lemon-sucker, you know? Someone who sucks lemons. Or, since you want some boring ‘simple’ and ‘literal’ definition-” Stated with air quotes, “- It’s someone who enjoys being around people with shitty personalities because, I dunno, they’re some sort of freak I guess.” He shrugs. “Anyways, just open the gift already. I wanna see it.”

You’re pretty sure he just made that word up. And you’re pretty sure you’re going to do the exact opposite of what he tells you to do.

“No. Why the fuck would I open a gift someone’s left at my front door when I don’t know what it is? And I know you left it here so I know whatever it is, it’s going to be fucking stupid. It’s a collection of the godawful excuses for music you listen to, isn’t it? A bag of ice? Some other braindead ‘joke’-” You copy his air quotes, “- that took you an entire two minutes to come up with because your brain cannot handle thoughts more complex than “haha, let’s make yet another ice joke about the troll with ice psiionics”, since all that hideous pop garbage you play melted any grey matter you might’ve had left?” Your tone lowers to a growl, much like how the air temperature lowers to an uncomfortable chill. Enough to make the other blueblood shiver.

“Man, that was a good one for someone who hates funny comparisons and all that jazz. Did someone give you the gift of a decent sense of humour earlier? Damn, I was hoping my gift was gonna be the first.” He sees no point to hiding that he was the culprit, prompting you to roll your eyes once again. He snorts. “Jeez, calm down. Fine. I left the gift. You got me good, Sherlock Holmes. But trust me, your ideas pale in comparison to what I really got you. So are you gonna open it or what? You know I’m just gonna stand here and keep asking until you give in. I’ve got all night.”

And you know that he can and will stand there all night until you open this stupid gift. You know him way more than you’d ever want to know anyone.

“Fine,” you grumble.

You look back at the present. God, the wrapping paper makes you want to throw this stupid thing down the fire exit. The cheesy, smiling snowmen taunt you. Haha, get it? Snowmen. They’re cold and made of ice. Just like you. Isn’t that hilarious? And they’re playing random instruments too. What the fuck kind of stupid ensemble requires a recorder, a marching bass drum, and a trombone? Who designed this? You’re going to tear this stupid paper to shreds.

You grab one of the shoddily-taped down folds and yank it, making sure some of the snowmen are decapitated in the process. Perhaps it’s as childish as the wrapping paper itself, but it’s the only satisfaction this stupid gift will bring you.

“Jeez Mikiel, calm down.” Snrk. “I know no one gives a shit about saving the paper unless you’re a cheapskate like Velour, but I did put in the effort to find something you’d like. Like damn, I actually thought about your interests and everything! I spent entire minutes on putting this thing together, which I bet is way more than what anyone else has.” He puts on a mock-offended tone, which you see through immediately.

You don’t give him any attention, instead focusing on the gift in front of you. The wrapping paper concealed a gift box, the pattern only slightly less infuriating than the last. It’s pink and covered in cupcakes, presumably the only thing close to a food pattern he could find at the dollar store. You still hate it. Thankfully, it’s the last layer of bullshit made to stall you from getting this stupid scene over and done with. You pull the present out of the box as you stand back up.

It’s a toy for wrigglers. It’s a blue ball of fuzz, it’s face contorted in a disgruntled scowl that matches your own (Aiolos is already laughing at the similarities). A single tooth sticks out of its mouth in a way that reminds you of a stereotypical pitbull, or of a troll you’re on much better terms with than the blueblood in front of you. You’re fairly certain he was going to the former idea, rather than the latter. The packaging refers to the creature as a ‘Grumblies’, and that it is a toy recommended from trolls two sweeps and older. The words ‘DON’T MAKE THEM MELT DOWN’ are plastered on the packaging as a warning, with the word ‘DON’T’ having been crossed out. Other warnings include ‘Do not shake, do not poke, do not flip’ and ‘push them too far and they rumble and jump around!’, but these warnings are immediately counteracted by the big ‘TRY ME!’ sign next to them. What’s even worse is that the toy has been tampered with in the form of adding a pair of glasses to it, handcrafted using bright red pipe cleaners. The craftsmanship on such a simple addition is insultingly good, meaning that he must’ve gotten someone else in on the joke to do it for him.

You cannot possibly be any more unimpressed by this ‘gift’. Aiolos, however, is grinning even more like than idiot than he usually is. You’d compare him to a madman if you were the type to use similes.

“So? What do you think? I think he’s great. Honestly you should sue whatever toy company made this, cuz they clearly ripped off you. I mean, come on, he’s got glasses and everything. Picking this was almost too easy. You just gotta shake him a bit and he starts going full feral. Try it!”

…

… You’ll admit, as stupid as the present was, the satisfying thunk it made when it collided with Aiolos’ skull is the best gift you’ve ever been given.

[ofnifflersandkings]

Title: The Girl Behind the Glass Character: Merlin Prompt: 54 A/n: I haven’t written Merlin in ages but I still love this boi.

•

Merlin hopped down from his horse, giving it a smal pat before taking off the small bundle of weapons from the back. It was hunting season, and Arthur was out in the woods with his men whenever he could. They didn’t catch much today, but Arthur was still all smiles.

“What do you say, Merlin?” Arthur asked him while he handed the reigns of his horse to one of the stableboys. “Ready for another hunting trip?”

“Not anytime soon, sire.” Merlin said, brushing the hair out of his eyes as the wind ruffled the strands. He casted his gaze upward and saw someone walk past one of the windows.

He squinted, wondering if it was just his eyes being faulty, but then the same person walked by again. This time they paused right in front of the window and Merlin got a better look at them, but the window smudged the image a little.

He was able to make out that it was a girl looking down at something in her hands, but before he could get a better look, Arthur nudged his shoulder.

“Come on, we still have a good bit of the day left.”

Merlin turned to him. “Sire, has there been any new residents to the castle?”

Arthur paused and his brow furrowed in thought. “Yes, I believe the new keeper for the library moves in today.”

Merlin went to ask him more questions, but Arthur was already striding into the castle.

•

Merlin thought about the girl for the rest of the day, it wasn’t everyday that someone came into the kingdom, let alone someone his own age.

“Merlin, how was the hunting trip?” Guias asked as he looked up from his work table.

“What? Oh, fine. But I was wondering if you knew anything about the people who moved into the castle today?” Merlin removed his bag and took a seat on the bench across from him.

“The man’s name is Mendel, he’s in charge of keeping the books now. He came highly recommend from his kingdom. He’s very nice, came by just to say hello.”

Merlin nodded, making a mental note of the name. “Is it just him?”

“No, he has a daughter as well,” Guias said, observing on his plants. “A very charming girl, around your age I believe.”

Merlin’s ears perked up. “Really? I thought I saw someone new in the castle but I wasn’t sure.”

Gaius stood from the table. “Why don’t you go and say hello to them then? Offer to show her around. You could use some friends.”

Merlin frowned. “I have friends!”

Gaius looked back at him with a raised brow. “Is that so?”

The two of them held gazes before Merlin huffed. “Fine.”

•

It took him a moment to find the correct room, but there were a few boxes and sacks placed in front of an loendoor. And he assumed it was the rest of the things yet to be moved into the room.

Merlin peered inside, knocking on the open door while he looked around. When he didn’t see anyone he decided to step into the room, hands fidgeting with his jacket.

He turned, noticing a large wooden chest that was filled with various books of different sizes and colors. He was about to pick one up when he heard someone clear his throat.

Merlin whirled around to find you looking at him with a curious expression. “Hello, is there something I can help you with?”

He blinked, all the thoughts leaving his brain whenever he was face to face with you. “Uh, yes, hello,” Merlin tripped over his words, never really knowing how to interact with pretty girls his age. “I work in the castle, and thought I’d stop and say hello to the new people here. I’m Merlin by the way.”

You nodded at him. “It’s nice to meet you, Merlin. You can call me (Y/n).”

“(Y/n),” Merlin repeated, giving you a small smile. “Nice name. Anyways, I thought I’d offer to show you around the castle, it can be pretty confusing till you get used to it.”

“Oh,” You said, looking over your shoulder. “I think I should stay here and help my father settle in. But thank you for offering.”

Merlin nodded. “Of course, if you need help with anything else, just ask away.”

You smiled, watching him leave the room before you sighed.

•

A couple weeks past and Merlin didn’t see you much, you were never out in the corridors or walking in the courtyard. The only times he did see you was when he saw you up at your window again.

It was a little dejecting, you were someone new and intriguing and Merlin wanted to get to know you better, but there was never an opportunity to.

He was walking back to Gaius’s room, adjusting his scarf as he walked until he noticed the door was opened. When he looked inside, he saw the dark green color of your cloak and he dove behind the door.

Your voices were slightly muffled, but he whispered a small enchantment and they became clear as day.

There was a bit of laughter before Gaius started to speak.

“I must know, why is that someone so young and so full of life spends every night alone at her window? Someone your age should be out living. Unless of course, you just happen to be friends with a couple trolls and I don’t know.”

You chuckled and then it grew silent for a moment. “The thing is, at my old kingdom, everyone thought I was a little strange.”

“Strange? What do you mean?”

“I like to read, I would spend hours in the castle libraries reading everything that I was able to.”

“You’re literate? That’s very surprising, especially for a woman.”

“I know, my father taught my mother when they met and in turn she taught me. People used to tell me that I had no place knowing how to read and write, so I kept to myself most of the time. None of the other villagers my age ever wanted to spend time with me, said I was too odd.”

Merlin decided to walk into the room, his steps just a tad bit too loud because you both turned to look at him.

“Ah, Merlin.” Gaius greeted, stepping up from his seat. “Excellent timing, I was just about to step out to see Lady Morgana, perhaps you could keep our guest company until I return?”

You and Merlin made breif eye contact before he nodded. “Of course, I wouldn’t mind at all.”

A somewhat awkward silence passed between the two of you. It was a few moments before Merlin cleared his throat and decided to try and make friends.

“You mentioned that you liked to read?”

Merlin saw your eyebrows lift slightly and he worried if you thought he was trying to offend you.

“You heard that?” You asked while your cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “But uh, yes. I love books.”

“In your room, I saw this huge chest with books. Did they belong to you?” He asked, to which you silently nodded. Merlin took Gaius’s seat in front of you. “That’s amazing, you know. More than half of Camelot is illiterate, and majority of the smaller villagers hardly have a single person who can read or write in their families.”

“Really? In my old kingdom it wasn’t quite so bad, but a woman reading was unheard of.”

“Here as well, I couldn’t name one woman who wasn’t of noble descent that can read,” Merlin said before a shy took up his face. “For the longest time I was illiterate too, my mother taught me some. But I only started to get better once I moved here.”

“You weren’t born in Camelot?”

“No, I’m from a small village a good journeys away.”

You nodded, looking down at the table before meeting his gaze. “I wanted to tell you that I was sorry about how I brushed you off when we first met. I’m not that good with people and I was worried I might drive you off. But you seem very nice.”

Merlin grinned. “I think the same about you. We never get new people in the castle and when I saw you behind the window the day you came here, I wanted to talk to you. And now that I know you can read it just makes you seem more wonderful.”

“Thank you. You’re the first person besides my father to compliment me.”

“People used to call me strange too, so I understand how lonely that it can feel when people look at you differently for something trivial.”

You looked confused for a moment. “Why would people find you strange? You seem perfectly normal to me.”

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s a long and complicated story I’ll spare you of for now,” He stood up from the bench. “But just so you know, that offer for a tour around the castle is still there.”

Merlin extended his hand out to you, causing you to smile.

“I think I’ll accept this time,” You answered as he helped you stand up. “I tried to locate the library to return something for my father and ended up in the kitchens instead.”

“Lucky that I’m here for you, my first day I wandered into the knights during target practice and ended up in the stocks.

You both left the room, nodding at the guards who stood at either side of the enterence way that lead to one of the corridors. Once you were a decents amount away from them you leaned over to Merlin.

“Do the guards always look so menacing?” You whispered.

Merlin smiled at the slight sensation of your breath rushing past his ear and he turned to you with a small shrug.

“You get used to it.”