#literal fucking clown shoes

[rwbwby]

this post is about shipcourse and how fucking clown shoes it all is. i’m slapping it under a readmore for your convenience

the closer i get to 30, the more all this shit seems ridiculous and i can’t see why i cared so much when i was young. i barely hang out on sites where i can’t carefully curate what i’m seeing and engaging with. i mean, take shipping ‘discourse’ for example. there’s people out there telling people to kill themselves because they, idk, wrote fanfic where snape and harry kiss on the mouth or something. honestly as long as you’re tagging your shit properly, i quite literally could not care less.

there’s writers out here who are being forced by absolutely insufferable teenagers to open up about their private lives to “justify” why they should be “allowed” to make this kind of art. that’s the trap, see? it’ll never be good enough. you can tell them that your explicit Snarry snippet is a 1:1 retelling of a horrific event you’ve been through, that you’re writing it to cope with that trauma, and they’re still going to tell you to drink bleach after forcing you to publically expose painful memories.

if you’re not doing any tangible harm to real beings, and if you tag it properly if you’re going to post it somewhere where that kind of content is allowed and expected, write whatever you want. draw whatever you want. get really fucked up with it. put it down on paper and just look at it. regard the miracle that nobody was harmed by this.

[clottedscream]

got a helpful suggestion on what to draw from eternal_savvy who i do not know if she is on tumblr or not. so

[Image ID: Digital art of a clown girl dressed in vibrant primary colors. The POV is from a bird's eye perspective with the girl looking up, sticking out her tongue playfully. She appears seated on a white background with only her shadow visible for perspective context. She wears clothes reminiscent of a jester, with a many-pointed hat adorned with white puff balls rather than jingle bells, a multi-colored neck ruff, and poofy ren-fair pants all contributing to the vaguely jester-like aesthetic. Her skin is unnaturally white, and she has swirling eyes and 3-colored hair in the same primary tones as her outfit. end ID]

[randomfandomss]

The WAY they have backtracked so hard on the Sy*lki romance, its giving me whiplash.

I was counting on it to avoid having any hope for Loki and Mobius. We are gonna get baited again, aren't we? 🧍‍♂️

[greenelight]

hey do you wanna ship the greatest ship to ever ship in the history of ships

ma'am , this is a wendy's.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

My mom's on the phone with the incredibly hate-filled second cousin of my youngest two siblings. I come in the room to ask her to be quiet because I'm trying to find watch Drawfee - which is important, ok? She's been up there discussing how it's bad that there are so many POC (editing this because she used slurs) on airplanes and how she's scared they'll bomb her, and when I go up they've moved to pronouns of all things. I go to pet the cat, waiting for a time to interject, and she says, "Oh, hold on, I'll ask [Leon]. Hey, what do you think about certain airlines just winning the right to pronouns for anyone, regardless of what they are?"

And I'm just like, "I could not possibly care less, and I don't see how you care."

To which she replies, "Well, I'm sorry that I understand biology and know there's only man and woman!"

And I say: "Sure, if you're looking at biology from an elementary school perspective, there is only male and female. But anyone with an education in the subject knows that there's a massive variety in how people are, and there's more than enough evidence to show that someone's perceived birth sex and the way they think about their own self is not always the same. But again: Why does this matter to you? Who is it hurting if someone wants to go by Twig and use xe/xer pronouns? Because I'd love to hear who this hurts."

And this dumb bitch she has one the phone demands to be put on speaker because she could hear me, has me reiterate "for her clarification" (said in the condescending way Matt Walsh might), and says, "Here's the thing, sweetie. There's man and there's woman. That's how God made us. You can live in a fantasy, but you can't deny that."

I say: "You're ignorant on purpose. God doesn't exist. Your kids will hate you in fifteen years' time because you force them to wear political shirts to school, shirts they're too young to understand."

And she says to my mom, "Oh, god! I see what you mean about having lost that one! She's one of the faggots now!"

And my mom just agreed? And says she's disappointed that she's "losing me." Then asks if I think she's wrong for her opinions and I'm like.. yeah? I tell you this all the time? I'll mention a Mexican guy I work with and suddenly it's "I hate all the immigrants." She'll see a commercial with two women getting married and it's "I can't believe those people are allowed to exist." Like. Of course I think she's a dumb bitch.

And this dumber bitch on the phone goes, "Shell, let it go. She's too far gone. Might as well just disown that one!" And she's taken off speaker and they start talking shit about me with me right the hell there. I said, loud enough that this chick could hear, "You're a sad dumb cunt and I hope all your kids are faggy and you die mad about it."

My mom's trying to force me to apologize now. I had "conceded," only to get on the phone and tell her I hope she accidentally shoots herself to death with one of her like 300 rifles, then said I'd call DCS on her if I knew where she lived.

Anyway. I may be violent, but I'm not in the wrong here, and no one can convince me otherwise. It's been like 5 minutes, they're still talking shit about me. And, like, my mom wonders why I don't share shit about myself with her and why I think she's a bad person. Hmm... Maybe it's because her best friend (who shared her views, just more extreme) is someone who likes to larp as an advocate for freedom while simultaneously believing things such as "only whites should be in America," "liberals shouldn't have the right to vote," and "the fags need to be exterminated." I fucking wonder.

[krogans-give-the-best-cuddles]

People will use the cadence of fandom jokes, like literally make variations of fandom jokes just vague enough to be unclear and then talk about their real personal life or about real life oppression with them. on the fandom jokes website. and then be shocked and horrified when other people reblog and tag like little characters.

Like they'll act like everyone else is a brain poisoned weirdo for seeing a post on their dash and hitting reblog to add a little guy.

1. That is the culture of the website, tagging your guy for your own blog is not unusual

2. If you don't want this happening to personal posts. You can make them unrebloggable, saving you from having to hear literally anyone's thoughts about this at all.

3. If you are making a vague reference to real world moments. And using a jokey fandom style tone. And you do not in any way make it clear you're not Simply Making A Fandom Joke. And there's literally no identifying information like a place a date or an event named. And then you get angry that people, who likely do not even follow your blog, who don't know what you were just looking at or thinking about or anything that was in the context of the joke- you get angry at these people when the only context they have. Is the framework of the joke. Created in a fandom space for fandom moments. Like maybe the person who's bad at reading context, or meaning or what have you is you actually.

Like as much as everyone should work on like. Not assuming the context of an authors post and not assuming things about them. And authors can't control how people read something etc etc. You as an author should not assume your readers understand what you mean via telepathy. Authors of posts should also maybe be able to see that if they are communicating super unclearly then they will receive unclear and not accurate responses to the situation at hand.

[casketvamps]

the RE4 remake was really good. can't fucking believe the thing that made me decide to finally sit down and play it was having a weird sex dream about wesker. who is barely in the game. whatever works, i guess

[ilovethanosdick]

Choi Su-bong/Thanos (Squid Game) x fem! reader HCS

IM OBSESSED WITH THIS MAN!!!!!

also first ever post?! it’s a little short, but hope ya enjoy!!

SFW:

• he ADORES physical touch

• touching u at every chance he gets, like even simple hand holding, leaning against u

• HE LOVES IT ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES FROM U!!

• casually grabs u by ur ass in public, or give u a lil slap. when u confront him about it, he acts like he dont know what are u talking about, then giggle

• using ur breast like fidget toy, when he’s stressed

• squeezing it, when he feels like it

• shoving his head between ur boobs, bro can stay like that for a good 10 minutes until he calms down

• if u ask him if he would still love u as a worm, he would tell u that he’s not a zoophile

• pet names!! baby, babe, princess are his favs!

• he’s not so good with commitment and stuff like that, would prefer an open relationship (one sided tho, he's so possesive of u)

• have huge jealousy issues when it comes to u

• a male species near u??? he goes into rage mode, getting aggressively touchy to claim u! show everyone that u are his!!

• would apologise to u with rap songs

“Y/N” he screamed outside your house. throwing rocks at the window to wake u up.

“what the fuck…” u muttered to yourself, as u walked over to the window to check what this idiot come up with this time.

as soon as he saw your face, he screamed again, his hands clutching onto his chest “SEÑORITA!!! I WANT TO APOLOGISE TO U!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!! U DO REALISE THAT ITS 3 AM RIGHT NOW???” u screamed back at him, slightly leaning forward through window.

“I LOVE U!!!!!” he get on his knees.

“ARE U HIGH?????” u asked, clearly pissed at his presence.

“HI!!!!!” he said as he waved his hands to u, enthusiastically with a goofy grin.

even after this response, u can’t tell if he’s high. that’s pretty much how he’s acting regardless if he’s on drugs or not.

he turn on boombox, a cliche beat hit your ears. he stands up and cleared his throat.

“Yo, I messed up, I admit it, I’m a clown,

Flirting like a fool when you weren’t around.

But I swear, it was harmless, just a slip of the tongue,

Now I’m here confessing where I went wrong.

I told her, "Hey, nice shoes," and that’s all I meant,

But now I’m in the doghouse, paying the rent.

Baby, you’re the star, the queen of my heart,

And that other conversation? A throwaway part.

She laughed at my joke, yeah, I felt kinda cool,

But now I see, I was the class clown fool.

I’d never trade you for some silly chat,

You’re the boss, the CEO, I’m just the doormat.

I’ll buy you flowers, write your name in the sky,

Sing off-key if it’ll dry your eyes.

I’ll even quit drugs if you need me to,

Just don’t leave me hangin’, I’m a mess without you.

So baby, I’m here, on my knees with this beat,

Admitting my crimes, can’t handle defeat.

Let’s laugh this off, put it in the past,

‘Cause you and me, girl, we’re built to last.”

he end up the song showing a small heart formed with his thumb and index finger.

u sighed “all right, come inside”

“YAYY!!!” he did a happy jump and clapped his feet in midair.

• tbh he’s so silly

• steals flowers from a random garden for u

• night visits, but uses a window instead of a door to enter ur place, literally like some kind of teenager

• even if u gave him the keys to ur apartment, he will use the window no matter what

it was dark outside, about 11 pm. u were coming back from work. damn how exhausted u felt. some arguments with clients, boss yelling at u. it was not ur best day for sure.

u checked ur phone. still no text from Thanos. why he was ghosting u? probably he don’t want to deal with ur complains about how bad ur day went.

u opened the apartment door. u don't give a damn about anything. you plan to go to bed right away, you don't have the strength to change your clothes, wash yourself or eat something.

you threw everything aside and went to the bedroom. when you turn on the light in the room, you see your boyfriend lying on his side, resting his head on his hand, rose in his teeth.

“U WANT TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK???” u flinched. u can’t get used to Thanos randomly spawning in ur house.

“and i missed u too, princess” he grinned, standing up and then theatrically hand over the rose to u.

“i brought ur fav burgers and lotta beer” he said, pointing out at ur kitchen.

“thanks” u smiled softly at him. u can’t help but melt inside at his behaviour. he’a an asshole, but what a cute asshole.

“no problem, babe” he leaned to u, giving u a tight hug. burying his face in the crook of ur neck.

• avoids deep emotional conversation

• would tell that he loves u, but he don’t put much weight into that

• he’s saying it casually like it’s common sense that he loves u

• painting each others nails!!!!

NSFW:

• pansexual king, but he wouldn’t label himself

• he don’t care about gender, he fucks who he consider as cute and that’s it!!

• when u ride him, he would comment something like: WROOM WROOM!! or YEEHAW!!!

• A TOTAL FREAK….

• piss kink (y’all can’t prove me wrong)

• HE LIKES IT DIRTY!!!!

• public sex

• like fingering u in a club or on a party, sometimes anal when he's high

• claiming u like that in front of other people?? IT TURNS HIM ON SO BADD

• never a sub, it would hurt his ego

• bro don’t know what gentle sex is

• always rough and aggressive

• smokes weed/cigarettes during sex, blowing smoke in your face

• talking about himself in third person "yeah, babe. the great Thanos will make u feel so good”

“u like that slut? u like Thanos’s dick that much??”

• he’s not into after care. usually he just rolls down on bed, doesn't even bother putting on clothes, hug u tightly and fall asleep like that

[ham1lton]

NOT A CHILL GIRL.

pairings: lewis hamilton x chronically online fiancée!yn

faceclaim: jordana brewster

summary: chronically online, funniest on the grid, and the proud owner of a face card that never declines—at least, according to yourself. your fiancé might raise an eyebrow at the first claim, the world might debate the second, but no one’s arguing with the third.

warnings: just jokes. don’t take any of this seriously.

author’s note: hope u enjoy bunny anon! :D

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

liked by lewishamilton, yourinstagram and 187,938 others.

ham1ltonshaderoom: celebrity stylist, and fiancée of f1 legend lewis hamilton, yn yln took to instagram stories to share some concerning posts. what do we think about these captions, ham1ltons?

view all 23,837 comments

yourinstagram MAMA I MADE IT

— user1 yn you have dressed some of the top celebrities and this is what you’re excited over??

— user2 forget that. she’s fucking LEWIS HAMILTON!!! and this is what she’s excited over???

user3 this is a v tame post for yn LMFAO

— user4 like she’s posted worse 😭

user5 she’s so unserious i’m obsessed

— user6 my fav wag

user7 i love the fact she’s dressing zendaya, showing up to her hot fiancé’s races and still finds time to shitpost

— user8 she’s so me

user9 she should be embarrassed. she’s grown

— user10 she will never see this btw

user11 i need to know lewis’ thoughts on these posts

user12 she’s the moment. i want to be her so bad.

— user13 successful in her own right AND secured the bag. #needtoBEthat

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

INSTAGRAM LIVE

yn i’m using lewis’ ninja creami to make slushies and sydney isn’t picking up her phone because she’s on set. so entertain me, my little gladiators.

user1 what flavour slushie are you making and why is it pure tequila

yn no. it’s a margarita mix. mostly anyways. all about balance babes.

user2 worst red carpet outfit request you’ve ever gotten?

yn girl some actor asked me to dress him up in head to toe camo… i wanted to be sick.

user3 yn, when’s the wedding? lewis is literally ready to propose again.

yn not until jungkook confirms he’s off the market. i need to know i’m not leaving options on the table.

user4 did you see lando’s post underneath your birthday post to lewis.

yn i did and i’m angry. how dare he be funnier than me on my own shitpost.

user5 who’s better at gift-giving, you or lewis?

yn me. obviously. lewis once got me a pen because “it looked sleek.” it was a nice pen, but still a pen.

user6 yn, if you could style anyone in history, who would it be?

yn harry styles but in 2012. imagine the chaos if he let me near those blazers.

user7 how did you guys meet?

yn via a mutual friend at a party. i thought his choice of shoes was disastrous and he thought i was funny. so obviously i went home with him that night. then i fell in love or whatever.

user8 you are literally the blueprint for chaotic but lovable. never change.

yn never will, little gladiator. never will.

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

liked by yourinstagram, thirstystan1 and 1,098,125 others.

lewishamilton: sunday best, thank you theststyle

view all 19,827 comments

yourinstagram why won’t this damn app swipe RIGHT?!?!?

— lewishamilton wrong app sweetheart

— yourinstagram oh shit 😓 can you show me how to download the right one? ever since ashley madison shut down and farmersonly.com banned me for “unsolicited flirting,” it’s been tough out here.

— lewishamilton maybe try clownsonly.com—heard they’re taking new members.

— yourinstagram wow. this from the guy who once googled “how to impress a bad bitch” and got caught.

— lewishamilton a bad bitch was impressed, wasn’t she? checkmate.

— yourinstagram yeah, well, don’t get used to it. also, happy valentine’s, loser. 💖

— lewishamilton happy valentine’s, clown. ❤️

— user1 y’all are some weirdos 😭🩷

user2 YN GIVE HIM TO MEEEEEE

user3 #NEEDTHAT

— yourinstagram #TOOBAD

— user3 YN PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭

user4 need this relationship NOW

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

— all works taglist: @luvsforme @yelenasloverrrrr @donttouchthegnote @chelle1306 @bloodyymaryy @km-23mr @stinkyjax @f1kenzzz @ctrlyomomma @aliciaablueprint @theblueblub @namgification @tallrock35 @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @ariellovelynn @shhhchriss @lifeless-firefly @xylinasdiary @evie-119 @itseightbeats @landososcar @velentine @m1892 @blushmimi @evans-dejong @nixisracing @lethalvenus @sainzluvrr @santanasaintmendes @idontknowlmaoo @sainzluvrr @tetetoni @ssprayberrythings @heavy-vettel @tashisgf @daniskywalkersolo @c-losur3 @lestappenslover @linoscrly (see yourself tagged when you don’t wanna be? or you want to be and don’t see yourself? send me an ask!)

────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────

[thessaralka]

Solas romance is basically:

Inquisitor: hey Solas:. …. Inky: I gotchu boo bear ❤️ Solas: choking th-thank you? Inky:… ;) you're not like other girls Solas: I - no I’m not. Thank u for noticing. Inky: ;;;) Solas: ur hot and I’m into u and I might plausibly want to test that theory Inky: choking Inky: so u have feelings for me? Solas: n-noo Inky: tests that theory Solas: fade tongue

Solas: moaning oh hehe this is a dream btw ~ Inky: wow. Hot. sooo. Wanna? Solas: there are....considerations. like mythal's geas over me which is heavily implied in the subcontext throughout my entire narrative arc. Inky:……. U don’t have to do this alone. I felt your tongue in my mouth. I said I gotchu.

Inky: I SAIDDDD I gotchu. Solas: choking vhenan ar lath ma I haven’t and will never forget that kiss smooching noises Inky: damn alright mf Solas: vhenan ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Solas: wow I love sex and parties reminds me of the good ol days let's dance babe Inky: ??? Solas: in the fade ofc. I don't party. Inky: o-okay Solas: mythal's temple…. It's all coming back…. Memories of my pa- the fade. you really cannot rely on friends at all. untrustworthy mfs Inky: ??? damn you're being negative as hell right now you tryina fuc Solas: no. Actually, Yes. Come with me vhenan. Solas: I have so much to tell you. Choking the truth. Your face. The Dalish are but simple fools - Inky: what the fuck Solas: kissing and grabbing ass, choking back tears we cannot. Your duty - I am but a distraction crying Vhenan: … I said whatever you're going thru you don't have to go thru alone. I meant that. Wyd? I love you. Don't leave me. Let's be worms together. Solas: choking and crying I'm such a piece of shit vhenan I can't Vhenan: 😭😭😭😭???????? Vhenan: 😡😡😡😡!!!!!!!!!!!

Solas: heartbroken and wracked with so much guilt on main Cole: all you have to do is tell her. she thinks it's her fault why don't you just tell her? Solas: I'm a piece of shit Cole please stop trying to help me I'm unlovable Vhenan: 💔💔💔???? Solas: harden your heart and use that pain against C-Corypheus. Solas: wh-what we had was real vhenan 😭😭💔💔😭 Solas: leaves Vhenan: 🚬😭 what the fuck even was that

Vhenan: Cullen wyd Vhenan: nevermind. Ew

Vhenan 2 years later: *putting on a clown nose* wdym Solas is an agent of Fen'Harel. Of course. He has been helping us all along ☝🏻😍 Everyone except Cole: you stupid bitch Cole: you see him ❤️ Vhenan: Solas idgaf that you're the dread wolf you should have trusted me. Solas: ….. I'm such a bastard. Solas: I'm going to tear down the veil and kill you and everyone you love. Vhenan: *in full clown makeup* let me help you Solas. You don't have to do his alone. I am literally just as crazy as you. Solas: choking I walk the din'anshiral vhenan I can't let you love me when I'm like this. Vhenan: you stupid mf. I will save you from yourself. Solas: choking and crying my love~ kissing sounds Solas: sobbing I will never forget you…. But you should forget me… I'm such a loser and horrible person. Bye Vhenan: this stupid mf. I will find his ass and make him see.

Solas for 8 years: writing vhenan unsent letters and reading smut and painting murals about it all emo Vhenan: wearing clown makeup this stupid mf. I love him still. Rook: damn okay. Vhenan: *putting on clown shoes* can we save him from himself at this point in time maybe? Morrigan: thinking with your pussy Inquisitor? Vhenan: I have literally never stopped thinking with my pussy from the moment I saw him

Vhenan: Solas, stop. Solas: choking vhenan what are you doing here? I am a peice of shit. Vhenan: Idgaf. You're my peice of shit. Solas: I cannot stop. I am under a geas by Mythal and the writers didn't want to extrapolate on that further even though it is the only thing that makes my character motivations make sense 💔 Mythal: I release you from my service btw. Solas: wow suddenly I am free to make descisions that align with my morals and values. Crazy. Rook: wack. I wanted to punch you. Solas: I will go and seek atonement. Vhenan: not alone you aren't. Solas: crying where I am going is terrible vhenan. Vhenan: I SAID I GOTCHU. WE GOING TO THE BLIGHTED ASS BLACK CITY TOGETHER TO BE WORMS ETERNAL. AND IT WILL BE FINE BECAUSE I SAID SO. Kissing noises Solas: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 thanks for bringing my woman back to me Rook, serving your only narrative purpose ❤️. Rook: whatever. Vhenan: ;)))) ❤️

[briala-of-orlais]

this aged well

wouldn't it be funny if the first thing varric did was die

[randomfandomss]

To the anon who sent me the ask regarding Loki. I won't be posting it since if it is true, they would be major spoilers.

Anyway, i dont know if its true but thank you for the heads up! I will manage my expectations accordingly.

Also, if it is indeed true how absolutely fucking awful.

[w0rmsmeatofme]

I;m literally obsessed with his giant fucking stompers. His Big Fucking Boots. Those are beyond clown shoes boy why the hell are you shaped like that

[becauseimswagman1]

Lightskin brothaaaaa

Kelvin Harrison Jr. x reader

Warnings: humiliation kink mentioned, voyeurism kink mentioned, suggestive flirtation, hint at bisexual!Kelvin, hint at bisexual!Aaron

----Reader asks Kelvin to have a threesome... kelvin has some qualms about it---- Reader is in a girl group btw-----

--------------------

Life after hard launching your relationship with Kelvin was actually pretty fucking chill.

The two of you went almost everywhere together, unlike your typical couple with busy schedules.

You practically lived in his skin and vice versa. Since y’all have been together, going on two years (secretly at first), the fans have gotten used to him appearing on not only yours, but your group’s social media doing dance challenges. He especially made appearances on Instagram since that’s where you’re the most active. Every chance you got, you posted relatable relationship quotes that the fans immediately knew were talking about Kelvin. You also posted a shit ton of pics of him being the lightskin ass clown he is.

But that’s surface level, let’s get into the real shit.

You wanted to spice things up (as if things could get any spicer, y’all two gots DOWN) with him by having a threesome, but he was NOT having it.

“What do you mean you want me to watch while another man fucks the shit outta you?!”

“Exactly what you think it means! It’s not like you’re not into voyeurism.” You really couldn’t see the problem here.

“As true as that may be, that shit is NOT happening with Trevante of all people!”

….There’s the problem…

“Cause he’s wayyyy buffer than me and I don’t have time for my girlfriend to say mildly mean things to me while she’s about to get fucked by a big strong man.”

“But you’re into that….”

“Shut it! That was ONE time!”

You laughed, “I said you nutted like a weak ass bitch then you literally shot so hard it got on the ceiling. And you wanna try and tell me you’re not into a little humiliation.”

“Fine, fine, whatever. Look, if we’re gonna do it, then who it’s with has to be my choice.”

“...what?”

“Yeah, it has to be. I need to do research first on candidates.”

“Candidates? Is this the presidential election? Baby, what the fuck? And what type of research are we talking about?”

“Don’t worry about that. Just know I got it handled.”

“...Are you gonna survey dick sizes? Is this about him not having a bigger dick than you?”

“No! No! Of course, not- maybe- okay No! It’s not. I’m just gonna do extensive searching for the perfect man. He’s gotta be really fucking hot, but not hotter than me if he’s gonna get my permission to touch you.”

You cooed, “Awe, babe! I knew you were bisexual-”

“Baby, no!”

“... Just a little bisexual…? It’s okay to admit it. We all are.”

“I’m not unpacking that right now!”

All you could do was laugh as he stormed out of the room like a diva.

—-----------------------------------------

After that conversation, neither you nor Kelvin spoke of the topic again. You figured he was taking finding a partner seriously, but not this seriously.

In secret, he had been conducting interviews, asking basic questions. Asking for kinks (if they had any) and their most recent STD test results (and if it’s been a while, then that they get tested). Ya know, standard shit. Nothing serious.

—-----------------------------------------

—--TWO MONTHS LATER—---

Kelvin had finally found the perfect person for the threesome.

The guy is someone he trusts, not only with his well-being but with you and your pleasure in bed.

—---------------------------------

“Baby!” Kelvin steps into your dorm like he lives there. He was so ready for you to stop being so picky about choosing an apartment. You also didn’t wanna leave your girls’ unattended, lord knows they’d burn the place down without you there, but the two of you wanted your own space. Kelvin wants to be able to love on you without someone popping up and interrupting.

“Baby, where you at?” He took off his shoes and walked around your dorm. It just seemed to be just you home today.

“Bae? I’m in my room!” you almost didn’t hear him due to your music being turned up loud through your headphones.

He walked in, “I’ve found someone.”

“Found someone for what?”

He sat next to you on the bed and sprawled out, “Someone for our rendezvous.”

“OH! A rendezvous? Bae, are we going on a quest? The fuck is a rendezvous, call that shit what it is.”

“Fine. I’ve found someone for our threesome.”

You snickered, “There you go.”

“Anyways, this guy is perfect. He’s tall and checks all of our boxes.”

“Oh… ours? As in our boxes? You must be finally ready to unpack-”

“No!” he put his hand over your mouth, “I’m not. Shh! The guy is Aaron.”

Your eyes widened and you spoke behind his hand, “Aaron?”

Kelvin moved his hand, “Yeah. I had listed what you liked about me and the traits you liked, that I didn’t have and came up with an extensive list of guys. And no Trevante wasn’t on it so don’t even ask.”

You slumped down in the bed a bit.

“After talking to all of them, Aaron ended up being the best choice.”

Your brows furrowed, “Wait… does he know it’s for a threesome?”

“Nah. I lied to them all and said I was doing a survey for this underground actor freaky club.”

You held back your laughter. Only your man would do this. “So we gotta ask if he’s down?”

“Yeah, babe. Aaron’s chill though.”

You looked at him, “Riiight, asking your close friend to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend is so easy.”

“Was that sarcasm?”

“You know it was.”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll talk to him over drinks tomorrow.”

“TOMORROW?!” you got up off the bed and started pacing around your room. “The fuck you mean tomorrow?”

Kelvin sat up, “Yeah. I’m ready.”

“You’re ready?!” you slowed down your pacing, “Like actually?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m more than ready, I’m excited.”

You sat down next to him, “If you’re confident then so am I. I trust you.”

He wrapped his arm around your waist and kissed your forehead, “I love you.”

“I know.”

He smacked the side of your head playfully.

“Fineeeee. I love you, too, my bisex-”

He mushed your face, “Sweet moment over.” —-------------------------

Tomorrow came way too fast. Luckily it was a rare day that y’all had the day off, so you had the whole day to freak out and get advice.

You walked into your favorite member's room.

“Damn, you don’t how to knock?”

“Hush. I’m having a threesome.” you plopped face-first onto her bed.

She shut the book she was reading, “A what?! I knew you and that lightskin were freaky frogs. Who’s it with?”

Muffled, “Aaron.”

“WHO?!”

You turned over on your back, “Aaron.”

“Oh, he’s hot. Have fun for real.”

“Have fun???? I’m supposed to fuck him in front of Kelvin.”

“That little cuck bitch. Y’all are nasty!”

“I know you ain’t talking, yo ass in a scandal now for sneaking around with most of the motherfuckers in my man’s friend group. You ain’t slick.”

“You didn’t even have to go there.”

“Well, I did. Anyways, I need help.”

“For what? You’re fucking tw…” she gags, “two hot men.”

You narrowed your eyes, “I heard that. You not slick.”

She rolled her eyes, “Whatever.”

“Kelvin and I are discussing things over with Aaron tonight over drinks. I just want things to go smoothly.”

“And things will, sis. Trust in your man, yourself, and most importantly, trust in that Henny.” she chuckled.

You laughed, “Bitch, you so stupid.”

“But that Henny’ll get you right. Nice and relaxed.”

“That’s true.” You got up off her bed, “I’m gonna go start getting ready.”

“Put on something sexy! And tell that lightskin that you wanna try double penetration!”

“Absolutely not!” you walked outta her room.

—-------------------------------

Kelvin walked into the apartment you shared with your group, per usual, like he lived there.

“Kelvin, what’s up?” the youngest member greeted him.

He smiled, “Hey, is she ready?”

“Almost. You want some water while you wait?”

“Nah, nah. I’ll be alright.” he went to the living room and sat on the couch.

“Lightskin!” the second youngest yelled as she sat next to him, “Y’all, uh, tryna have a threesome with A-A-ron I heard.”

Kelvin sighed, sometimes you were the bain of his existence, “Yeah and I heard you’re still getting death threats from fucking half of my friends and getting caught doing it, right?”

She nodded, “Okay okay. Coming with the jokes. I’ll leave you alone. I can see how nervous you are.”

Finally, you walked out of your room, “Is this whore bothering you?”

Kelvin stood up at the sound of your voice and walked over to you.

“Whore?? I resent that.”

“Sure you do. It’s practically tattooed on your forehead.”

Instead of answering, she just slumped down on the couch.

“Ready, babe?” he said kissing your cheek.

“Yeah, let’s go before I get the itch to ring somebody’s neck.”

And with that, y’all were off.

—---------------------------------

“When I agreed to drinks, I didn’t think you would’ve rented out a section for us. Why so secluded for some drinks?” Aaron said.

Kelvin smirked, “Oh, you know we just wanted some privacy for what we plan to talk about.”

“Talk about what?”

“Uh…” Kelvin trailed off, “Babe?”

Oh, he expected you to say this. You guess it’s only right since you were the one who brought it up to him.

“Aaron, we wanna ask if you’d be down to have a threesome with us. Total one time thing and it’s completely fine if you say no.”

Aaron chuckles and finishes his drink, “I think I’m gonna need another drink.”

“I think we all do.” Kelvin motioned for the waiter to bring y’all the bottle.

“Actually, leave it. Thank you,” you said to the waiter.

The waiter set the bottle on the table and walked off.

Aaron poured refills for you and Kelvin first then refilled his own and took a long sip, “Is that why you were you asking me about my kinks? I knew it wasn’t for a freaky-ass actor sex club!”

Kelvin chuckles, “Yeah, man... Sorry, I lied. I just wanted the best guy for this.”

“And what does your girl think?”

You took a sip of your drink, “His girl thinks you’re very sexy and that you look like you can fuck good.”

Aaron smirked, “Looks like you’re in luck, I never leave my partners unsatisfied. You’re both attractive and I’d never miss an opportunity to have two hot people in my bed.”

You smirk, thinking of a sly game to play. You slid your left hand onto Kelvin’s lap, switching between rubbing and squeezing his growing erection, and slid your right foot up Aaron’s leg, just resting the sole of your shoe on his crotch.

“Oh…” Aaron chuckles, “Someone wants the party to start early.”

“Seems like she does. Having fun baby?” Kelvin looks at you.

You smile a little, “Yeah, but I could have more if we get outta here.”

Aaron cleared his throat and then stood up, “I’ll get the check.”

“What a gentleman.” your boyfriend said.

Aaron leaned over to the side y’all were sitting on and said to no one in particular, “I’m always a gentleman.”

“Promise?” you said.

“Like I said, always.” then he walks away, searching for the waiter to pay.

“Kelvin he’s fucking perfect.”

“Yeah. I made a good choice didn’t I?”

“If your dick is anything to go by then I’d say you did. You’re hard as fuck.”

He glances down at his growing pain and holds in a groan, “Yeah, I am. Aaron’s hot as hell.”

“Thank you.” Aaron said, “Let’s get outta here. I got more liquor at my place and ya know, my bed. ”

You and Kelvin stood up quickly, sneaking glances at each other. Y’all knew a time would be had.

—---END—-------

Taglist: @itsbackwoodsbby @femdisa @luvrsluxe @ayeeeitsmiracle @sharmelasworld @papithetia @mzv11

(Pt.2 here)

Lemme know if you wanna be added to the taglist!!!

[base0h]

Hiiii. So this is my first time requesting or anything so I’m kinda really nervous??? Anyways, I love your crack fics, I literally giggle non stop and they bring light into my soul.

So, that being said, I have a request. Could you do something with Crocodile and Ace (and whichever other characters) reacting to their s/o having a spider or some type of scary bug on their back? Idk if your can go anywhere with this but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Okay that’s it bye bye have a good day :)))

a/n - omg I’m so glad I can bring light into your life 😭🫶 literally my goal when I’m writing this stuff 💜 oml bro crocodile is afraid of bugs I just know he is 💀 that’s why he had robin, so she could handle them for him

warnings ⚠️ - g/n reader, crack, crocodile would leave you with the the bug just to run as far away as possible 💀🫶

- pls if he sees a single bug in his house he’d move out of his mansion and go to another sea of ocean 💀

- don’t get me wrong he takes you with him of course and makes sure you’re protected from those heinous insects. Get ready for loads of bug spray and pest killing chemicals, because your house is going to smell like that for at least a couple weeks 😃🫶

- so one day, you’re relaxing on the sofa, listening to some ambient music, the lights a bit dimmed, with the shutters open just enough for some light to shine through without being too harsh. It was a weekend, so it was due time for some relaxation!

- crocodile had just gotten finished with his work, and finally he’d get to spend some quality time with you. As he walked over, getting ready to join you on the couch, he froze.

- his eyes were locked onto your back, his breathing completely stopped, his body stiff as a board

- a tiny black speck on your back was… moving. Could that be a- SPIDER? You turned around because you heard footsteps, and you looked confused to see crocodile just- frozen, with wide, disgusted, fearful eyes as if you just committed some heinous crime against humanity

- “….Crocodile? You ok?”

- …

- “Hello???? Earth to crocodile?”

- “Y/n. You know I love you right?“

- “…What?”

- “Then you know why I must do this.”

- “What do you me- hey where’re you going?!”

- to go bag (he has one prepared for this exact situation bruh 💀) materializes out of thin air, then cue crocodile skedaddling out the door without explaining or warning you like a scared selfish asshole

- “CROCODILE IT’S NOT EVEN THE SIZE OF MY FINGERNAIL.”

- “IT’S AN INSECT Y/N.”

- “SO YOU’D LEAVE ME WITH THE FUCKING BUG SO YOU COULD GET AWAY FIRST-? 😭”

- “..well of course I would’ve sent someone back for you-“

- “SENT SOMEONE?!”

- see now ace is afraid of bugs too. But he’s not a selfish asshole like crocodile 💀 bro would at least try and protect you while screaming and sobbing

- you two were relaxing, snuggling together and watching the sun set on the deck of the Moby dick. It always never failed to amaze you with how many colors spread across the sky.

- ace absolutely adored these moments with you. It made him feel so- alive but also dead at the same time. Because how could one be this happy and in love with you?

- he looked down at you, and leaned down to press a kiss to the top of your head, and that’s when he saw… it

- cue the scream of a demon plus a kid who just saw a clown

- “WTF ACE WHAT?!”

- “BABE- DO NOT MOVE. THERE’S A BIGASS BUG ON YOUR HEAD.”

- “EXCUSE ME?!”

- ace grabbed his shoe in a panic, and aimed directly at your head. But since he was so afraid, he was closing his eyes.. as he was swinging to kill the bug.. and he ended up slapping the absolute shit out of you instead of the bug

- “Phew, think I got it- Y/N?! WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OK?!”

- “WDYM AM I OK YOU SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF ME-“

- “Sorry.. OH SHIT I MISSED-“

- “NONONONO ACE WAIT-“

- you got hit five times before he actually got it. 💀🫶 I hope your brain isn’t damaged 😭

- luffy was one of those kids who collected beetles and watched them fight each other like it was the most intense battle he’s ever seen 💀

- so of course he’s not afraid of them. Bro likes them so much that he doesn’t know if the one piece is better or if beetles are better 😭

- luffy was rambling to you about the various different types of beetles, and which ones were the strongest in fights. He was giving you the WHOLE lowdown, their stats, weaknesses, special skills, traits, etc. 💀 you were surprised luffy had this level of knowledge on- anything really

- “Yeah so the atlas beetle can DEFINITELY take down the rhino beetle because of its really tough shell and- OH MY GOD-“

- “Huh-?! What’s wrong?!”

- “OMG OMG Y/N YOU HAVE AN ATLAS BEETLE ON YOUR HEAD!”

- “Luffy you better be joking. Is it even April yet?”

- “Nono it’s right here see?”

- he pulled it off your head and put it in front of your face. The way you froze, and the way your heart stopped, dropped down to your feet, and then climbed back up 😭

- you couldn’t even scream, you just got up and hauled ass away from whatever that abomination of a creature was

- “Y/n where are you going?! I have to show you how it fights!”

- “I’M PERFECTLY FINE NOT SEEING THAT LUFFY-“

- “But y/n they really like you! You’ve got a rhino beetle on your back too!”

- “WHAT?!”

- you legit stopped, dropped, and rolled 💀💀💀 poor robin was watching the whole thing transpire from really far away so she couldn’t hear the context of what the hell was happening 😭

a/n - bro I missed writing these. I’m a bit rusty tho 😂

[libidinous-weeb]

if you fuck the juggler you should join the circus. you fit right in with the rest of the clowns.

juggler!hawks is one of the fair’s worst travellers.

whilst most acts know how to at least pull a levee, connect a trailer joint or hone another expertise, all juggler!hawks knew how to do was, well, juggle. but the man was good looking and kept the crowd entertained, and so he wasn’t without a job.

juggler!hawks wasnt just a juggler of objects but also a juggler of many men and woman. it wasnt all the time (because he wasn’t that much of a sex addict) but if there was someone cute enough within the audience who caught his eye that night, he’d purposely linger on the grounds after a show — let them approach him and shower him with adoration — only to lure them back to his trailer situated towards the back of the fair. and it looks like tonight, you were his object of desire.

“gosh you were so good back there!”

juggler!hawks hears this type of compliment almost every night but somehow tonight it’s a abit different coming from your mouth. something about the way your lips moves mesmerises him and he knows then and there he wants to use it for himself.

“thanks” he says airily. “wanna hang back at my trailer?”

with wide eyes, you’re star struck the man has even asked you such a request. unknowing of how regular this was for him, you agree.

juggler!hawks doesn’t waste time getting you on your knees with his cock in your mouth, his head flung back in lorded glory as he wallows in your expertise. and juggler!hawks knows he chose you well because your hands find no qualm in massaging his balls within your hands which help draw his orgasm closer.

“yeah, yeah that’s it.” he moans. “now you be the juggler.”

when juggler!hawks is near his limit he doesn’t even tell you he’s coming. all he does is tug himself out of you and dumps his load onto your face, the moans that leave his mouth loud and scratchy.

with a light yelp, you turn away, hand covering your face.

“ah! that got into my eye.”

juggler!hawks makes a minimally strained expression but it doesn’t stay that way for long.

“oh. soz.” he says, before his hands languidly stroking his dick, his care clearly not on your slight injury. “wanna go again?”