#listened to messy by lola young too much

[afyrian]

☆ messy w/ atsumu | wc: 532

m.list

    there's a chill in your empty apartment, your legs sprawled out against dusty wood flooring. crumbs and mites live between each crack and within every natural groove. your head presses against a few shirts strewn into a pile, wrinkles have started to set in, but your mind thinks of everything but. hands resting on your stomach, your finger traces circles around your belly button, the feeling of dust accumulating on the bottom of your feet.

  the phone buzzes against your nightstand, staring up at it, your eyes narrow as it moves slightly. watching it, you wonder if he'll blow it up so much it'll finally fall off the side and end its own misery. the cracked screen protector would give out, and the thin rubber case would finally slip off from the pressure. it only bars so much of your attention as your head turns towards your bedroom door, the sound of the front doorknob turning and clicking.

  your breath catches on your teeth, unable to escape. with every footstep your heart just beats quicker, the sensation ringing in your wrists. lips curl into one of disdain, but nothing inside of you cares to get up, all you can do is stare at the doorframe. watching, you see a shoe come into view, a running shoe with dirt caked on the strings, always coming undone from his lack of poise.

  noticing them, you can feel the hot breath leave your lips, ruminating for a mere second. looking up, you meet atsumu’s eyes, the amber color suddenly making you feel warm. he stands there, hands stuffed into his pockets. “you come back to this again?” his lips purse for the fifth time this week, and with every interaction, it just gets more intense.

  “yeah. he’s been blowing up my phone but i just don’t care anymore,” you bring a hand up to your face, rubbing against your temples and down from your nose to your chin, your hands feeling chill. 

  atsumu nods slightly, reaching up to pull off his baseball cap. tossing it onto the bed, he holds out a hand to you, “let me help you get cleaned up, then you can come to mine and ‘samu’s place. i’ll make sure he won’t have a hand to carry that key with anymore.”

  you swallow hard, thick mucus forming in your throat. staring up at him you finally feel sensation in your feet. the kind that tingles, like you’re finally waking up from a deep slumber. and instead of sunshine peeking behind your awakening, it’s atsumu standing in your doorframe. “you don’t have to do this-”

  “no, i do,” he nods, stepping into your room, making sure with each step he takes, it’s only on the hard wood flooring.

  leaning down, he holds out his hand for yours, and you can finally see how much it’s been affecting him. there’s a redness behind his eyes that you’ve only ever seen on him after he’s cried. his cheeks have been rubbed by his hands, a blush forming below his skin. “okay. thank you, i- yeah, thank you atsumu,” you can’t seem to find the words, only finding his hand in your’s.

  “anytime.”

gen. taglist (open): @eggyrocks @causenessus @applepi25 @softpia @bakery-anon

@nekozaki @nnnyxie @kameyyy

[mer-acle]

I was listening to music, and I'm in a severe hyperfixation state so at the moment every music is about Athena, the victim of the moment is Messy by Lola Young.

This song is so Athena and Zeus relationship:((

ahhhhh you can't just call me out like that at 10 in the morning hello??

'Cause I'm too messy and then I'm too fucking clean You told me get a job then you ask where the hell I've been And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth I want to be me, is that not allowed?

I have never felt something this much. sjgfuhvljsvhl I am in shock rn. yeah very them. *sobs*

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 30/11/2024 (Kendrick Lamar's GNX, Wicked Soundtrack with Ariana Grande & Cynthia Erivo, Stromae & Pomme)

Kendrick Lamar is Santa, Ariana Grande is Mrs. Claus, and God, do we have a lot of elves. I suppose that makes Gracie Abrams Rudolph, since she’s leading the pack for a sixth week at #1 for “That’s So True”. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, gang violence, potential spoilers for Wicked Part One

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts, those being songs exiting from the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This episode, we bid adieu to: “Two Faced” by Linkin Park and “Running Wild” by Jin – both off the debuts last week – as well as “São Paulo” by The Weeknd and Anitta, “Love Somebody” by Morgan Wallen, “Indestructible” by Andy C and Becky Hill, “TOO COOL TO BE CARELESS” by PAWSA, “Diet Pepsi” by Addison Rae, “BACKBONE” by Chase & Status and Stormzy, “Slow it Down” by Benson Boone, “The Sound of Silence” by Disturbed, “Prada” by casso, RAYE and D-Block Europe, “Riptide” by Vance Joy, and finally, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. It is safe to say that at least some of these tracks make their return once Father Christmas has dropped the gifts off at the chimney.

Now for the festive flood, and whilst I won’t mention gains for pre-existing holiday tracks outside of the merriest three, we do have plenty of Christmas-related returns this week – every year has the chart week where the floodgates open for holly jolly hits – and even some seasonal new entries which we’ll get to. For now, we welcome back: “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #75, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #72, “Sleigh Ride” by The Ronettes at #66, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by the late Dean Martin at #65, “Step into Christmas” by Sir Elton John at #56 (I love that one), “Winter Wonderland” by Laufey at #55 (more from her later), “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Bublé at #51, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #45 and “Merry Christmas” by Ed Sheeran and Elton John at #31. Our three jolliest jingles are “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” at #20, “All I Want for Christmas is You” at #10 and “Last Christmas” at #8. I would say it’s too early for all that but my tree’s already up, and the only gain we get outside of this is “Messy” by Lola Young at #41, which I can’t complain about.

As for our top five… I suppose it’s best to break the news now. Kendrick Lamar’s new #1 album GNX and the soundtrack to Ariana Grande-led fantasy musical film Wicked have both debuted three songs – the maximum under UK chart rules – and they’ve all landed high up in the top 20. We can see quite early how this affects us, as Kenny takes “luther” with SZA at #5 and “squabble up” at #4. The top three, however, has not shifted in the slightest, with “APT.” by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars at #3, “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez at #2 and of course, Ms. Abrams at the very top. Now, before we get into the big events, we of course have the filler episodes.

New Entries

#67 – “Christmas Magic” – Laufey

Produced by Laufey and Spencer Stewart

We start our week – of course – with the Amazon Originals. For those who don’t know, Amazon Music makes original holiday tracks with often famous artists, either for their bargain-bin Christmas films or as standalone tracks that automatically play when you ask Alexa for Christmas songs, hence run the streams up from automatic and passive listening but don’t have much of an impact on a lot of the population’s streaming rotation because they simply do not have access to it. It’s a questionable approach, for sure, but now it has been the norm for so many years, I no longer feel the need to complain about it. I used to review suggestions in protest, but this year, I decided that it’s really not difficult to find these songs without an Amazon product or subscription, and I may as well review them even if for the most part, they’re just vaguely festive slop. Plus, sometimes they are cover versions and hence I can talk about chart history. This does not appear to be the case for either of our new Amazon tracks, starting with Icelandic jazz singer Laufey’s “Christmas Magic” – if there’s any time of the year where her bordering-on-easy-listening style is going to gain the most traction, it would be Christmas, and this is fully a traditional Christmas song, with bursts of swing sax and sleigh bells backing what is basically a list of clichés. Laufey sounds nice as always, but it’s so short and there’s so little to it in all avenues of music – performance, lyrics, instrumentation – that it really can’t rise above vague pleasantry.

#49 – “It Can’t Be Christmas” – Tom Grennan

Produced by the Ghosts of Capitalist Past, Present and Future

Find Tom Grennan in around 30 days time and tell him what day it is, he won’t believe it. Anyway, we have our second Amazon-exclusive track, another original, this time from British pop-rock boy Tom Grennan, a semi-regular fixture on this series for the past few years. The horns are flatter here than on Laufey’s song, the tempo is fixed at a staggered classic soul pace which has never always fit holiday music for me – it’s usually used for Christmas songs that are more longing relationship, by-the-fireplace kind of songs, but there’s a cold angst to that drum rhythm to me, especially when in this context of a manufactured mix and song structure cut down for optimal length and audience retention. Grennan’s delivery flails into a really pathetic rasp, especially in that rough bridge, it sounds like a first take, and the staccato backing vocals don’t do much to sugarcoat it. It plays out less like an original Christmas song and more drunken karaoke from a wannabe Teddy Swims. Thanks, Bezos, we really needed this in the repertoire – besides, if you’re going to make a sincere attempt at introducing your song into the Christmas canon, why make it platform-exclusive to a platform largely not considered a major competitor in that particular medium? It’s like making a blockbuster film only available in cinemas located in Bedford – like, sure, people can see it but you have to go to Hampshire and not everyone’s going to be in Bedford all the time, in fact, most of the country won’t, though it’s not that difficult to get to anyways. And yes, Tom Grennan is from Bedford, and no, I didn’t know that before I wrote this analogy in, seriously.

#21 – “Ma Meilleure Ennemie” – Stromae and Pomme

Produced by Stromae, Mako and Luc Van Hayer

So, this kind of came out of nowhere. Stromae hasn’t charted internationally in a while and does not do so very often nowadays, especially in the UK, but he’s a Belgian singer best known for his 2009 smash hit “Alors on danse”, which this has amazingly out-peaked and once I found out why, I was a lot less excited to figure out why this duet with French singer Pomme had made a big splash when no non-massive event is otherwise getting through the holiday freeze. To keep it simple, as we’ll be talking about in-universe nonsense a lot for the rest of this episode, this is a song from League of Legends spin-off Netflix series Arcane, about a complicated relationship between two characters that starts off really antagonising and blossoms throughout the series, especially the second season which has recently premiered. I actually really like this song too, with the slightly off robotic vocoder functioning as those emotions coming to boil and bubble up inside the two characters, but not feeling too coherent yet, and Stromae’s spoken delivery fitting wonderfully over a reggaeton beat with a lot of space in the mix for phased wave synth pads and choir swells that take a human touch to a potentially over-produced and slodgy rhythm that comes with slowing a reggaeton drum pattern down and fuzzing out the mix. It’s a pretty good song outside of that, on strength of its chorus and concept, which fits what I’m told is the premise about a city and its seedy underbelly. If there’s cyborgs in the show, this is such a cyborg-coded song, and that’s the kind of in-depth observations you read this for. Between this and “Enemy” a few years back, maybe this show has something to it. Now speaking of shows I’m out of my depth on…

#17 – “What is This Feeling?” – Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo

Produced by Stephen Schwartz, Stephen Oremus, Greg Wells, Jon M. Chu, Marc Platt and Maggie Rodford

So, I have not seen Wicked, and I probably never will – it’s the first part of a musical I have no interest in stretched out to a film adaptation of two and a half hours. No amount of positive reception will bring me to see that. However, I had cleverly predicted this outcome and enlisted a duo of undercover spy agents to research and recount details of the piece to inform and assist with this episode. For the sake of anonymity, I shall call them Jessie and James, and yes, I’m Meowth, that’s right. Bear with me here, as like a third of this episode will be plot details for a movie I haven’t seen, but I will try and keep it brief as unlike Kendrick’s songs, these have very little chance of sticking around once the hype has dissipated. This song is from when the two students at “Shiz University” (again, bear with me) first meet: Galinda, an elite sorceress played by Grande, and Elphaba, the titularly wicked witch played by Erivo, write to their parents about each other and their initial experience as roommates. Apparently, this is near-unchanged from the musical version (which is itself adapted from a novel, itself adapted from The Wizard of Oz), and acts as a reversion of the “hate-to-love” trope in conventional musicals, by presenting two characters who absolutely love to hate each other and finding exhilaration in a quickly-onset and potentially longstanding loathing. My secret agent calls it a “toxic yuri anthem”, whatever that means – I like the intensity of the strings and especially the horns as the song ramps up, and for a show tune, the soundtrack version is less flat than many a musical track sounds in studio quality, even if the drums don’t hit like they should. I do find Ari – sorry, I mean Galinda’s lengthy description of her green counterpart being met with a short and snappy “Blonde.” from Elphaba pretty funny and, if I were more attuned with the narrative, probably an appropriate summary of their characteristics. A song about mutual hate written as if it were a cutesy love ballad is a cool take, especially in the bombast of a musical, but it doesn’t fully connect with me all the way through, it loses me a bit once we get into the choir parts. You know what didn’t need to take time to lose me?

#13 – “Popular” – Ariana Grande

Produced by Stephen Schwartz, Stephen Oremus, Greg Wells, Jon M. Chu, Marc Platt and Maggie Rodford

Now I do know this one! Is it because Ari had covered it prior with MIKA? Yes. Do I like that version? No, it’s horrible, but that is in part why it stuck with me and also in part why I cannot watch this film, as if I at any point think of MIKA in a cinema, security may need to intervene. Yes, I still find this song really annoying in whatever form, but what I didn’t know until now is that I’m somewhat supposed to. The musical’s most famous but not most iconic track, performed by Galinda alone, shows her as a bit of a smug, superficial pest obsessed with “improving” her newfound friend Elphaba that she sees as needing to be changed drastically to gain approval from her peers. The “la-la-la” hook is still incessant, but it plays onto “political performance themes” (quoting my spy) and given its status as both a fan and general audience favourite, I’m sure it’s exciting in the film’s context, and though one of my confidantes loved the extended outro, I find lengthening “Popular” to be somewhat like making sure your murder victim gets slapped around before you stab him, especially since the instrumentation is largely barebones. I get why the song is like it is and at least it’s not the MIKA version, but I’m still not a fan.

#7 – “Defying Gravity” – Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande

Produced by Stephen Schwartz, Stephen Oremus, Greg Wells, Jon M. Chu, Marc Platt and Maggie Rodford

It turns out, coincidentally, that the songs’ chart order also reflects that of the musical, so we observe the character arcs in real time. A seven-minute showstopper, “Defying Gravity” may be the most impressive number, so immersive as a song in thematic context that it’s part of why the film has been split into two different parts instead of released as a whole: it’s built specifically to bring a curtain down to intermission, so the producers cut the film not long after so the events following such a grand, iconic moment didn’t end up “hugely anti-climactic”. I mean, the song is called “Defying Gravity” – leaving the audience with a song that, according to my team of associates, gives them goosebumps, may be more powerful than bringing the film back down to Earth at any point, if it were possible. For the sake of chart history, Elphaba’s stage performer Idina Menzel recorded the song as a single, and therefore, this is the one song from the musical we get here to have charted several times, first with Menzel for a #60 peak in 2008, secondly with the cast of the TV sitcom Glee in 2010 for a peak of #38. To track that in the real world, the #1s at those dates were Rihanna’s “Take a Bow” and Tinie Tempah’s “Pass Out”… which both kind of make sense for such an extensive, transforming song about the two main characters coming to grips with how they’re just too vastly different to go in the same direction, and because of that, it’s a particularly powerful song for Elphaba. One of my friends – I mean, undercover employees prefers Adele Dazeem’s version but Cynthia Erivo’s performance here took me aback by sheer strength in just the audio so I’m sure I’d be impressed seeing its scenes play out on screen or stage. That hook really clings to you as an earworm and whilst getting there each time may not be the most fun to follow, that makes it all the more satisfying once you’re there, and this really is a special tune, even out of narrative context, so I completely understand why, despite the length, this is the highest-charting from Wicked. Once again, thanks to Team Wicked for equipping me with details regarding the film and its source texts because doing actual research is for nerds. Who the Hell would write a chart show based on actual research, facts, history and fair analysis for over half a decade? ...Well, maybe Spectrum Pulse.

#6 – “tv off” – Kendrick Lamar featuring Lefty Gunplay

Produced by MUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

All three of Kendrick’s top 10 debuts from his most recent surprise album – dropping in the middle of the afternoon UK time last week – appear in a row from #6 to #4 and we also don’t get any of the denser tracks, which is to be expected but does mean we partially lose a layer we could use to discuss the album with. This isn’t a problem, though, for if there’s any album in his discography that Kendrick wants you to feel and not overthink about, it’s his series of West Coast tributes seemingly made in just the past few months that he calls GNX. I’ve always been less enamoured by Kendrick than many others, because of what in my opinion is a spotty catalogue and messy approach from his output, DAMN. onwards, but a lower-concept, mixtape-esque record from him may be just what I’ve wanted him to get at since To Pimp a Butterfly. There are themes worth getting into on this album, for you to evaluate and take piece by piece, but there’s nothing cryptic, which isn’t necessarily a problem for me regardless, I can enjoy plenty of abstract rap, but it also means the album’s less heavy, more of a concise product that tells you quite explicitly how Kendrick is feeling. Hateful, he is feeling hateful and he's absolutely proud of finally having the angle and time in his career where proving himself isn’t necessary, and he can pull up to the Super Bowl with a set of new bangers he hasn’t gotten sick of yet, or even thought too hard about in the first place. There’s a real release in this album that comes with the post-Drake beef success: near-unanimously crowned the winner, dragged through the mud and coming out clean as a whistle in the public’s eyes, he realises that he can show off some jams that’ll resonate with his folks in California and boost that scene to worldwide status. As silly as it sounds, it might be my favourite Kendrick Lamar album.

Now as for the three track we have here, I’ll zoom through them, as we have two energetic West Coast bangers and one R&B cut, starting off with what might just be my favourite track, and I’m sure many agree: “tv off”. Produced by Mustard, who takes the same Monk Higgins album to flip as he did for “Not Like Us”, alongside Sean Momberger, Kamasi Washington, Jack Antonoff (of all people, he’s all over the record) and Kenny’s long-time producer Sounwave, Kendrick starts off with what may be the mission statement of the album: he’s finally bought his dream car, and he’s set out on the goal of making hits for the people: “fuck being rational, give ‘em what they asked for”. Once letting you know his rationale, he sets the score over a shrill sample chop that rings of all the malice he self-admittedly approached this project with, the beat animated by his manic flipping between his now signature goofy voice (a nasal whine), restless yelling and deadpan, sick-and-tired rambling. The main conceit of the song is authenticity, how Kendrick feels like he’s the only real one in the game, and there are not enough people like him, which leads to catchy flows and great brags like how he can afford to cut his grandmother off if she doesn’t agree with him (so much for keeping the family close), but also comes with the underlying knowledge that he’s admitting he himself is not enough to save his culture from losing the plot. Of course, the song only really switches into gear with the beat switch, as over a menacing loop from a Disney soundtrack of all places, Kendrick memetically screams “Mustard!” when the beat drops as if the guy who produced “Freaky Friday” was a Dragon Ball antagonist. His scream is not just for the meme, though, he explains why: he wants to walk into the Super Bowl in New Orleans, Louisiana with the energy of his hometown of LA, and part of that is screaming California’s biggest producer as part of Kendrick’s own personal victory lap. That’s kind of beautiful, but you wouldn’t know it from Kendrick’s grimy verse and intricate rhyme schemes all enveloping from an already ruthless Biggie interpolation. I particularly love the second half verse from the “prophetic”-“cosmetic” bar onwards, the fricative mouthful leading into that second pained “Mustard!” release is such a great moment. And if you don’t know who Lefty Gunplay is, well, you weren’t supposed to, not only was he initially uncredited but he, as one of many West Coast underground rappers Kendrick gave shine to on this record, only provides the outro here, itself a bit of a memetic mantra of how it can get “crazy, scary, spooky, hilarious”. Theories have arisen that this reflects Kendrick’s four main diss tracks against Drake, but I see this more as just what happens when you see Kendrick in this aggressive mode because this album shows that it can get as zany as it can get genuinely threatening, and Lefty Gunplay’s voice fits like a glove, as expected for a largely unknown California rapper – there are a few others on the album, with Dody6 and AzChike in particular giving really standout performances. Part of me wonders if Lefty had a longer verse on this and that one line was just the part Kendrick liked the most so he looped it at the end. Either way, let’s move on to:

#5 – “luther” – Kendrick Lamar and SZA

Produced by Sounwave, Jack Antonoff, Kamasi Washington, Bridgeway, Rose Lilah and M-Tech

Earlier on in the album is a more lowkey cut with SZA, the laidback duet “luther”. One of the few tracks of its kind on the album, it is an honest-to-God love song from Kendrick, promising his girlfriend – presumably his fiancé Whitney, played by SZA – that better days are coming, in part because he’s there for her and is on the way to make her life as perfect as he sees her as. Kendrick promises that if the world was his, she’d have no enemies – in this case, he says he’d gun them down, of course – and wouldn’t have to suffer any pain, playing on the sample from “If This World Were Mine”, specifically the cover by Cheryl Lynn and Luther Vandross. As with many SZA tracks, it’s a piano and acoustic guitar-led trap-inflected slow jam, but with all kinds of very special and very Kendrick additions, like the string swell that tries its hardest to make you not notice that Kendrick’s first verse is the same set of bars repeated with two extra bars (it’s not fully successful), and how the beat is reduced to just the bass mid-verse so Kendrick can play with his “fah-fah” ad-lib melodically for longer than he needs to, but it’s still cut and further immerses you into the fantasy of a perfect world. For the rest of the song, SZA and Kendrick switch from going back-and-forth, completing each other’s sentences on the second verse, to harmonising entire verses and refrains together, in a catchy serenade that still plays with the pace of the lengthy chorus in interesting ways, whilst having Sam Dew and Ink fill in some of the vocal gaps Kendrick simply can’t. Kendrick’s less-than-perfect vocal here is part of the self-deprecation he accumulates in the song – he’s helpless to reach his goal of having a perfect world he has control over, but it’s in pursuit of this perfect woman who loves him regardless: “she a fan, he a flop, they just want to kumbaya”. Overall, it’s a charming, loveable little track that I’m very glad was included and could see sticking around – as much as I love it, “tv off” is probably being swapped out next week, but the higher two are probably going to be charting for a while.

#4 – “squabble up” – Kendrick Lamar

Produced by Kendrick Lamar, Bridgeway, Jack Antonoff, Sounwave and Matthew “MTech” Bernard

Unlike how the three-song rule often dictates, we do not see the opening track on the chart this week, primarily because “wacced out murals” is a five-minute villain origin story that is coldly intense and thematically necessary… but not as much of an undeniable jam as its follow-up, “squabble up”, which appears to get the lead single treatment with a midweek video and it should be obvious as to why. First teased in the “Not Like Us” video months ago, “squabble up” starts with intense breathing under Kendrick’s promise that he’s back: one of the album’s main themes is reincarnation, and here, he sets the stage for an album that’s bangers on bangers by saying he’s done stargazing and back outside for the people, whilst also referencing the sentiment that he considers himself Tupac Shakur reincarnated, a longstanding idea in his catalogue. Sentiments are hardly what makes this song great, though, as it’s named after LA slang for a brawl as Kendrick, with a lot of wacky choices of imagery and great wordplay – sometimes about his own producers (again) – over a groove that caught me in a trance on first listen, especially with that phased 80s synth bass, taken from Debbie Deb’s freestyle classic “When I Hear Music”. The vocal sample from Debbie isn’t interpolated in any way but its theme of dancing to the music takes on a different meaning in this more sinister context – Kendrick’s guys are on the floor for different reasons. The group call-and-response vocal in the bridge comes with intrusive drum crashes, and the third verse has so many cute details in how the sample is glitched and chopped into sparkling sound effects and vocoder loops that you almost get distracted from some of the funniest lyrics in the song, especially the flatly-delivered couplet “Bitch with him and some bitch in him – that’s a lot of bitch / Don’t hit him, he got kids with him? My apologies”. One could complain about the relatively simple and staccato hooks here, but the off-key singing in the chorus has always been part of Kendrick’s charm and why he can appear so down to Earth compared to rappers who will use Auto-Tune for a hook like that, and the rubbery effects in the post-chorus keep it texturally rich. This will have its chart run hampered by Christmas, but I still can’t imagine it not sticking around because this is infectious in all the best ways, and also a fun way to wrap up the episode.

Conclusion

Kendrick sweeps, as you’d expect. He grabs Best of the Week for “tv off” with Lefty Gunplay, and just to be fair, I’ll tie his Honourable Mention for “squabble up” with “Defying Gravity” by Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande. As for the opposite side, Tom Grennan takes Worst of the Week for “It Can’t Be Christmas”, obviously, and though I’m personally scared of my undercover assistants’ capabilities and mob connections, I will also dare to give Ariana Grande’s “Popular” the Dishonourable Mention. I’m sorry, the song will never click with me. As for what’s on the horizon, I can’t imagine much else but Christmas tunes, particularly a new one from Ed Sheeeran, so strap in, folks. We’re in for the slowest month of my year. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you… soon.

[quazikam]

for end of year asks: 1 and 19?

- @blorboindulgence (tumblr doesn't do asks from side blogs)

thank you for the ask!

1-song of the year? there's several songs I listened to this year that were the best for me, but only one was actually released this year- so I'll just say 'Messy' by Lola Young because it's my most listened song released in 2024

19- if I'm trying to think about this a little more, I'm definitely excited to try this new year with a clean slate and try a different outlook ('new year, new me' basically) I've been too much of a pessimist this year and really want to change that in 2025 :]

[daily-coloring]

Best of 2024 - Songs

Go ahead and listen my favorites from 2024. Even more on the playlist, more techno, drum'n'bass and even industrial ambient. Enjoy!

01. Lola Young - Messy - "Listen to me, I took your nice words of advice About how you think I'm gonna die lucky if I turn 33 Okay, so yeah, I smoke like a chimney I'm not skinny, and I pull a Britney every other week But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?Because I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean You told me, "Get a job", then you ask where the hell I've been And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth I want to be me, is that not allowed?"

02. Mahmood - Tuta Gold

03. Tove Lo - Busy Girl

04. FKA Twigs - Eusexua

05. The Irrepressibles - Yo Homo - "And I love you from my heart down to my tippy-toes Yeah I love you from your head down to your tippy-toes You lift me up, I lift you and we make each other free!"

06. Tsatsamis - Faith

07. Allie X - Weird World

08. FKA Twigs - Perfect Stranger

09. Fontaines D.C. - Here's The Thing

10. The Blessed Madonna featuring Clementine Douglas - Happier

11. Oklou - Family and Friends

12. Mahmood - RA TA TA

13. The Irrepressibles - Will You?

14. Lola Young - Wish You Were Dead - "Can you come around, fuck me nice Pull my hair, sing me lullabies? And we can pretend that we're in love When you come around, I'll wear red I'll forget all the awful things you've ever said And, oh, we can pretend that we're in love We can pretend that we're in love"

15. Mind Against featuring TSHA & NIMMO - OnlyL

16. Nadine Shah - French Exit

17. Allie X - You Slept On Me

18. NewDad - Sickly Sweet

19. Joywave - Scared - "I wanna touch you, but I'm scared I really love you though, I swear I dread the moment you're not there I need your hands in my hair"

20. ionnalee - Not Your Cherry

21. Kesha - Joyride

22. Jamie xx & The Avalanches - All Your Children

23. Dua Lipa - French Exit

24. Willow - bigfeelings

25. Kaleida & Robot Koch - Choises

26. Tsatsamis - Misunderstanding - "It's over And I misunderstood How something that means so much to me Could mean nothing at all to you And it's easy For me to speak too soon When something that means so much to me Means nothing, nothing at all to you"

27. Emiliana Torrini - Miss Flower

28. TSHA & Rose Gray - Girls

29. Crystal Murray - STARMANIAK

30. Orville Peck featuring Noah Cyrus - How Far Will We Take It?

31. Nilufer Yanya - Just a Western

32. Nicolas Jaar - Aqui

33. The Irrepressibles - The Desert

34. Crazy P - Human After All

35. Bright Light Bright Light - Boys etc. - "I'm not like all the other boys I'm giving you music, they're giving you noise I'm not like all the other boys I'm giving you magic, I'm giving you joy Don't be shy, come and try your luck Or do I have to be my own boyfriend cos you can't keep up?"

36. The Smile - Bodies Laughing

37. Gui Boratto & Darren Emerson - The Shell

38. Jayda G - If We Only Knew

39. Porches - Itch

40. The Irrepressibles - Destination

41. Telenova - Teardrop

42. Archive - Times To Kill

43. Michael Kiwanuka - Small Changes

44. Joan As Police Woman - The Dream

45. Orla Gartland - Late To The Party

46. Rebecca Black - TRUST!

47. Banks & Doechii - I Hate Your Ex-Girlfriend

48. Gavin Friday - When The World Was Young

49. venbee - Dark Place

50. Mahmood - SEMPRE/JAMAIS

[floreciendojuntos]

Song of the day: Messy by Lola Young

This song hit me in the feels the first time I heard it. I first heard her music on tik tok - and I loved her voice. When she released this song.. It resonated so strongly with me. Very emo-like lyrics.. Sort of like the emo boy bands - which was the first type of music that really helped me during my teenage years into adulthood.

But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?

Mum hardly ever gave me grace.. Judging, questioning my every move.. It was scary.. Was scared of doing the wrong thing.. Not doing things right.. And growing up in that environment.. I lacked a positive sense of self.. It was mostly negative.. And any positive Identities I held.. Such as:

music listener/lover, spending time listening to music constantly.. And the type of music I listened to..

Reading books, she questioned why I read so much and told me I read too much.. And made me feel bad for laughing as I read.. Like I'm sorry it was funny? It brought me joy?

My pursuit in higher education/art education/the art community. Putting my work out there.. Ridiculed and questioned me and my work

Being a feminist.. Challenging beliefs that she had that were unjust/discriminatory..she didnt like that I had friends that were black/indigenous/queer/women

Being a friend.. I didn't have many friends.. Wasn't encouraged to make friends.. Wasn't allowed to hang friends.. Wasn't allowed to play with neighbors.. And continued until adulthood I was told no one was friend ever.. I can't trust no one.. I was told I don't need friends

'Cause I'm too messy and then I'm too fucking clean

Yep always told I was too messy and shamed about it constantly

You told me get a job then you ask where the hell I've been

Being asked where I was if I stayed a lil too long at work..

And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth

Never really told I was perfect.. Always told I would look prettier with a closed mouth.. Got told I was not a good daughter

I want to be me, is that not allowed?

Again being questioned on who I was and what I did and what I liked

And I'm too clever and then I'm too fucking dumb

There were points where I was affirmed for being smart esp whbe I was little and got certificates.. But as time progressed I was told I was just faking it.. That I was dumb.. Wasting time

You hate it when I cry unless it's that time of the month

Crying was allowed if I was in physical pain.. Of course my period I had really painful cramps growing up and when there was domestic violence happening but if I cried other wise as I got older I was ridiculed for it.. I have no reason to cry.. I have it good.. I has a good childhood.. I was never mistreated..

And I'm too perfect 'til I show you that I'm not

A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot

You hate, you hate

I emcopass everything you dont approve of.. I will stand up for what's not right, I am tolerant of others and advocate for them.. Who I am as a person.. And I'm sure may e other factor about who and how I am.. At least it's how it feels.. And the lyrics say it how it is

Music just always reminds me.. I am not alone. We're all experiencing so much.. Sometimes very different experiences.. Sometimes exactly the same.. But the feelings are all the same.

[ayellowcurtain]

Another one I wrote because I just needed to put some thoughts out after last night, it might not be for everyone, so be careful - and nice, please. if you don’t like it, don’t read it. It’s angst, there’s a very brief and open mention of v*mit if anyone is triggered by it. 

It’s also kind of messy since I wrote this so fast and soooo late in the night so I’m sorry for any mistakes. 

Lucass opens the door for them and helps Eliott get inside, closing and locking the door once they're inside. The details about how Eliott ended up at the police station aren’t very clear, but Lucas knows enough to feel betrayed. 

He’s been trying to be careful, aware of his every word and action not to trigger Eliott, but Lola managed in one night, to make him fall like Lucas has never seen before. Just the night at the boat. And the thoughts of Lucille going to the police station won’t stop bothering Lucas, telling him how their stories are repeating themselves. 

“Are you okay?” Lucas decides to ask once they’re safe inside the flat. Eliott doesn’t smell good and they had to make a stop on their walk home because he was nauseous. His shirt and face are still dirty with it and Lucas tries to breath slower so he doesn’t have to keep smelling that.

“Come on, you need a shower.” Lucas doesn’t say in a loving way and he’s not even trying to be mean, but he’s just hurt. It feels like they’re strangers and Eliott comes closer, holding his face, but Lucas turns his face away gently, his hands on Eliott’s sides, trying to keep himself busy with trying to pull the shirt up. 

“Lucas...I love you so much.” 

“You need a shower, Eliott. Right now.” 

Lucas is trying not to cry and Eliott notices it, he panicks and tries to kiss Lucas again, to tell him that Lola doesn’t know them, that she doesn’t know shit about Lucas, but Lucas keeps him away, getting angrier and even more disappointed if that’s possible.

So Eliott finally does as he’s told and takes his shirt off with Lucas’ help, Lucas tries to help, keeping one hand constantly on Eliott’s back as they stumble to the bathroom, keeping Eliott’s arm around his neck to help him walk. 

Lucas doesn't ask a single question. About anything. He just helps Eliott get rid of the rest of his clothes and inside the bathroom.

Eliott gets under the freezing water way too early. Lucas tries to warn him and to keep him close, but Eliott just wants this to be over already. He wants to be sober and in control of himself, his brain and actions. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it...” Lucas thinks out loud by accident and he knows Eliott heard him, even with his head down, the cold water hitting the nape of his neck. 

"This isn't about you..."

“No, it isn't. It's about you and I don't know what else I could do, how to reach you, how to make you understand that you should trust me with anything you want."

Eliott tries to look up, to wash his face to wake - and clean - himself up from this nightmare of a night. 

-

Eliott walks carefully to the living room, looking for Lucas. Still feeling his body heavy and slow.

“I think we need some time...” Lucas barely waits for their eyes to meet as he stands up, putting his hands inside his pockets. He changed, with normal clothes now and he looks tired. He didn’t come to bed this morning and Eliott wonders if he slept at all. 

“What? Lucas, no we don’t, forget about Lola or last night.”

“No. I’m sick of “forgetting” shit or looking away when I’m being hurt and ignored for so many times.” 

“I never forget you.” Eliott tries to explain, but the words just won’t connect inside his still hungover brain. 

“Yes, yes you do. I told you so many times. With words and actions, how much us meant to me. How much you meant to me and how much I was trying to be here and to listen and to be something good for you. And it only takes one night with Lola on your ear for you to think she’s right and I’m wrong so there’s no point in staying right now. I need to focus on fucking school this week. And you need to figure out on with whom your trust stands.” 

“It’s not that sim-”

“Yes, it is. I’m making it. Remember when I said I was going to be hard and fucked up some times? I’m being right fucking now. I don’t want shit to do with Lola, don’t wanna interact with her. She has her own problems, I have my own and we’re not a good mix. I know that. I don’t think you two are a good mix, but that decision is yours. I tried warning you nicely, but it’s too late now.” 

Eliott rushes to stand up in front of Lucas, to make him listen. Lola’s word don’t matter, Eliott was just on the edge of the cliff and he jumped. 

“She said things and I wasn’t thinking straight. She knew about the boat.” 

“YOU DON`T KNOW HER! DO YOU KNOW ME? DO YOU EVEN TRUST ME?”

They both stand in silence, hearing Lucas’ words echo inside their heads and Eliott wants to hold him, to tell him all about what he’s been thinking about, to be completely honest, but Lucas is crying and grabbing his backpack on the floor. 

“I’m gonna stay at Arthur’s. My exams are this week.” 

“I know.” 

“Doesn’t feel like you do. Doesn’t feel like you know me at all and I don’t know you right now. There’s a video of you two last night going around. Just to let you know.” 

Eliott watches Lucas walk away from their home, hurt and crying and it’s all his fault. This could have been avoided and Eliott could just open his mind to someone he trusts for once. 

-

Lucas should sleep. After hours of worrying and looking at his phone, trying to reach Eliott for the whole night, he should put his head on his pillow and finally sleep to think about it more clearly once he's rested, but he can't. 

A long walk to Arthur’s place is the second best thing, using that time and that walk in an open space to calm himself. 

Somehow, he needs to focus on school and forget about Eliott and his problems and Lola. He’s old enough to deal with them by himself. 

-

Eliott sits on the bus stop he scared Lucas almost two years ago. They haven’t seen each other in a week. Eliott counted some of the minutes to take his himself out of his brain and to keep himself from texting Lucas. He needed space and the least Eliott could do after everything was give him that. Lucas was so worried he wouldn’t make it, he was so unsure of himself and Eliott only added to that. 

He wanted to wait at the school, but it’s not the best idea to corner Lucas like that, to run into Daphné and Basile...and everyone else really. The ones that aren’t angry at him for Lola are probably angry at him for Lucas. He tries not to think about so many people angry at him and he focus on the one he’s trying to apologize to. 

Eliott bites his nails, looking around, trying to look for the familiar boy. Lucas is familiar, the most familiar person has Eliott ever met and he won’t lose that, he won’t put them at a definitive risk. 

There are finally noise coming closer, loud voices talking over each other and Eliott stands up, watching as Yann, Arthur and Lucas turn the corner, seeing him almost instantly. 

The boys are a little lost, looking at Lucas, waiting for him to tell them what to do and Eliott thinks he should learn something with them about listening to Lucas. 

Lucas looks down and then at the boys, saying bye to them and they accept it, hugging Lucas for a little longer than usual, Arthur even plays with his hair before walking away. They only nod their heads at Eliott and he feels their hurt in every muscle of his body. At any other situation, they would make a huge scene about seeing Eliott and now they don’t even want to come close to give him a proper hi. 

“What are you doing here?” Lucas asks as he walks closer and he still sounds hurt and distant, but not as angry as last time. 

“Wanted to know how it went...how you were.” Eliott tries to look carefully, to see if anything changed. There’s a hint of stubble on Lucas’ chin and around his mouth and Eliott wants to touch, to know how it feels against his fingers, but he stays where he is. 

Lucas nods his head, bitting the inside of his bottom lip. “I think it was alright. I couldn’t really concentrate to study for most of the time, but I hope it was okay. I’m glad it’s over now.” 

Eliott nods his head, taking a deep breath in to calm his nerves and hopefully stop his voice from breaking when he talks.

“I miss you. And I’m sorry for last week. I relapsed and I should have known better. I made a bad choice when I had other, easier options. I don’t want that to be our last conversation or our last time together. I love you and I mean it, every word, every time. Lola was out of it and she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t know how we work.” 

“Yeah, she doesn’t.” 

“I trust you completely. I know you’re not like she was saying. She was out of it.” Lucas sighs and walks past Eliott and he breathes in as deep as he can when Lucas is just a feet away from him, stopping close to the edge of the sidewalk, looking to the street to see if his bus is coming. Eliott hopes he’s going home. He’s not sure if Lucas would need to be at this bus stop if he was going to Yann’s place. “I’m sorry.” he tries, knowing Lucas is not really interested in knowing about Lola and he was going there again.

“I’m not going to stay here if I have to sit and listen to you justifying her actions again...” 

Eliott nods his head, looking at Lucas. “I’m not going to do that. I want us to talk about us.” 

“You need to understand that Lola is young, she has her own addictions and mental health to take care, but she’s not a baby. She needs to understand her actions and words aren’t empty. There are consequences when she fucks up. If she doesn’t understand that, even when she’s an adult, she’ll keep behaving like a fucking child because she’ll know there’ll always be someone to take care of her bullshit.” 

A bus stops in front of them and Lucas moves to get in and Eliott follows, not caring to check where.

They walk in between strangers in silence and Eliott keeps his eyes on Lucas, sitting right next to him in the back. 

“There are some parts of me...a dark, reckless part that I don't usually acknowledge, that I usually try to hide as best as I can, that leads me to letting things like last weekend happen. I'll have to learn to live with it peacefully and work my way to at least tame the edges where they lead me to harming words or actions that aren't true or good for me or for us.”

Lucas looks at him, for the first time meeting his eyes, listening carefully. 

“Me ignoring it won’t make it go away and will make me fall even worst than I often do. I’ll make mistakes and I’m so sorry for the bullshit that I made you go through, but I’ll work a better way to knowing myself, respecting what I have and taking control.” 

Eliott finally manages to turn his head, looking at Lucas and his blue eyes, dark circles around it, so tired and Eliott imagines he’s guilty for at least part of it. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose you or to make you constantly wonder. If it’s of any help, the biggest part of me knows you aren’t like she said you are. And the smaller part knows too, but the temptation to let myself fall was too big not to do it. I’ll work on that, I promise, I’ll be honest with you and we’ll try to talk things out more often. Not let it build between us.” 

Lucas clenches his jaw, trying not to cry and Eliott puts his hand on Lucas’ thigh, on top of his own hand there, hoping to ground themselves, to make have literally something to hold on to. 

“I’m happy that you are ok. And I believe in you. I can’t imagine how it is to be you, to always have to keep checking on yourself, but I know at least parts of you...” 

“And I saw the video. I hope you know nothing happened. She was just dancing shirtless and I tried to make her walk away, walk home, hopefully. There’s nothing between us, there never was, I never stopped loving you or even started loving you less. You’re still the only one that matters.” 

Lucas doesn’t like Lola. It’s so clear in his face with every time he even just hears her name and Eliott can’t blame him. Eliott knows what he’s thinking and so he hurries to tell Lucas again. 

“I love you. I want us to be okay and I’ll take whatever way you want to go about us now. I’m not losing us.”

[tsgnorthwestarkansas]

Up Close & Personal: Northwest Arkansas Fashion Week  Fall 2019 Spotlight on Stylist/Buyer Hope Cavell of Lola

It seems only fitting that with NWA Fashion Week Fall 2019 coming next week, we spotlight one of our favorite local stylists, Hope Cavell. Hope is a buyer for the chic women’s boutique Lola in Fayetteville and has recently started her own personal styling business. She’s behind some of the most progressive and creative ideas happening in our region and helping to put NWA on the fashion map.

What are you most looking forward to for NWA Fashion Week?

The special designer event at Lola on Oct 2 with Vanderwilt Amsterdam is going to be amazing! Funny story: When I saw The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas editor, Rebekah Lawrence, at our show last spring, she was wearing this amazing leather jacket. I fawned over it and she shared that it came from a fabulous leather designer Marianne Vanderwilt in Amsterdam – Vanderwilt Amsterdam. Fast forward and here we are at their North American debut in Fayetteville! We are having a 'shop before the runway' party at Lola in-store on Wednesday, October 2nd from 5pm-8pm where Marianne will be making a personal appearance! Experience great vibes, sip some champs and shop an avant-garde European leather collection like no other all made with love in Amsterdam. Then Friday, October 4th we will show the collection at NWAFW. I am so excited! 

Above, a sneak peek into the Vanderwilt Amsterdam leather line, which will be making its North American debut on the runway at NWA Fashion Week Fall 2019 on October 4th. The collection will be available exclusively in the U.S. at Lola in Fayetteville starting October 2nd with a preview of the collection and personal appearance by Dutch designer Marianne Vanderwilt happening that same evening from 5pm-8pm before it hits the NWAFW runway.

Can you remember the very first time you realized your passion for fashion? 

Before social media, fashion magazines were my outlet. I’ve always been a big Harper's Bazaar fan! I knew every high-end designer from a very young age, and could tell you all about their fashion houses, etc. I started working at Masons in Fayetteville (a fab local business that is still rocking today!) at 16 and that soon became my outlet. Fashion was always something that felt natural and right. 

“I love helping a woman who thinks she 'can't wear this' or 'that' realize that yes she can!” – Hope Cavell, stylist and buyer at Lola 

Is there a higher purpose you serve through your work?

I know there has to be some scientific study about this, but people feel good when they look good! Everyone puts on clothes everyday so why not feel fabulous – or at the least confident to go on about your day and whatever life deals you? I love helping a woman who thinks she 'can't wear this' or 'that' realize that yes she can! When a client comes in to Lola or I come into their wardrobe at home to create a look, the ultimate reward is the look on their face when the outfit is complete. 

When did you decide to go into business for yourself? 

I decided to to be official with my styling about six months ago. My role with Lola was evolving and it seemed natural to integrate the two. I got a few freelance jobs and realized very quickly that I was good at styling and developing relationships with individuals! I saw my own potential and just went for it. It is still something I struggle with and feel silly telling people who are not in this industry and scoff at the idea of a stylist. . .but, hey, you have to take risks right!? 

Can you share a little known fact about the world of fashion with us?

It is not glamorous. I recently listened to Kara Welch (an amazing stylist) on a podcast and she shed light on this myth that the world of fashion is full of glamour and glitz. It's sweaty and messy and we work very long hours. You are at the beck and call of your client. But you see the end photo [from a commercial side] or the woman standing there [from a personal styling side] and it just all falls into place. 

Can you share with us some of your favorite ways to live locally here in NWA? 

I moved to NWA at age 11 so I claim it to be home. It just keeps getting better. I have my favorite local establishments in Fayetteville (especially since I live/work there) and I can’t get enough of them!  Little Bread Company (conveniently down the street from Lola) is my jam for breakfast sandwiches and coffee. Taste of Thai never fails. I love  Vault for an after-work cocktail. 

Can we look ahead? You were in New York last month at market. What are the looks you are loving for spring?

I loved seeing that neutrals are sticking around, but so is color. I saw lots of hues in the pistachio color family. But as a stylist, I try not to put too much emphasis on trends. Yes, I buy what is new for the shop but everyone should pay attention to their own style and body type before diving into a trend. 

Northwest Arkansas will be getting a glimpse of the Vanderwilt Amsterdam leather collection in-store at Lola during the Lola x Vanderwilt Amsterdam | NWAFW Preview on Wednesday, October 2nd (5pm-8pm). Also, be sure to check out Lola on the runway at NWAFW (October 4th at 6:30pm). Get tickets to NWA Fashion Week (Oct 3-5) and especially the boutique shows on October 4 here. All NWA Fashion Week Fall 2019 events will be happening at Drake Field in Fayetteville from October 3-5. 

Hope Cavell, stylist, with a carefully edited collection of wardrobe staples. Hope is featured in The Scout Guide Northwest Arkansas Volume 3 as an outstanding NWA Art & Artisan.

lead photo: Frame Frozen