#listen. im tired. i think i will try to sleep
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wish I was good with words because if I was then I could make everybody happy and stuff. if you're reading this post then please know I love and care about you. I think you're rad. extremely cool and rad and awesome.
I think I'm gonna start working on a lain animatic tomorrow!! I constantly have animatic ideas spinning around in my head but I always end up giving up when I try to actually make them ;; this time I will not be giving up. I already drew some ideas for it a while back but I'm finally gonna properly start working on it. if you don't see a lain animatic from me by the end of summer, you have full permission to yell at me to get back to work. thanks for reading. ily all.
#mole talks#cw vent#(?)#i don't know if this is a vent or not. but its probably not really#its 1am and i'm listening to some strange angel#hehe#sorry for posting a lot. like thats something i should even be sorry for. smh#i love posting. i recently realised this. i love posting so much .....#i just realised i said 'tomorrow' in this post but what i really meant was 'in the morning'#listen. im tired. i think i will try to sleep#its sleepy timee u3u
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i mean who is ever going to love me that much again
#dellete#who is ever going to write me notes for me to find assuring me that the house is safe when i sleep through the alarm and who is ever going#to be alive because i am and make sure i eat well and treasure my work and tie lucky jade around my neck to#keep me safe because a world without me is unbearable#i mean i. i try real hard to be a good friend and listen to people and do all i can in service and grow but i just#i just was expecting it to feel better. like i would leave home and wake up one fresh morning and feel like something thats capable#of being loved#and i can never feel safe at home again#and im so tired of praying myself stronger and cutting out the soft bits and biting into my fist and writing#reminders to do better and think better and act better and be better#who is ever gonna really need me man. just as i am. without hitting me#the key is without hitting me. really#i know the dream is to be seen and loved completely#does anyone ever get it?
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Tumblr is basically my vent now
#ive been feeling like shit for months now maybe a year#i dont know what i should do about shit#last time we fought he said he was lonely when we met and hes not lonely now and thats why hes not as affectionate as before#and that i need to get used to that#but im still lonely i still want our old relationship back#going to sleep alone is almost impossible for me im missing work because of it#he doesnt tell me stuff he does#he gives me the smallest kiss when i get back from work and then he just wants to be on his phone#if i mess with him he laughs and makes me stop#if i try to talk to him he doesnt listen half the time#everyone tells me he loves me but i dont see it#he says he does and i think he cares for me but i dont know how much he loves me and it sucks#i feel like an afterthought or a prop most of the time#and i try to think maybe hes tired but im always tired after my 12 hour shifts#and he wants me to do all this stuff with his family all the time and I try#he doesnt say goodnight or sweet dreams or ask about my day#hell only tell me when i ask and he gives me the shortest version#idk i could go on but this sucks
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#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to#get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all#at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without#radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up#it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping#and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place#so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are#gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park#or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years#and it's only been a week.#and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold#super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking.#and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so#few options and i volunteered for it in the first place#and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises#of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block#just. what am i even doing here.#tag ramble
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Feeling a little troubled ...... last night (a few hrs ago ig) my nana (whom i moved in wit bc the tenant she was renting the upstairs 2 died n i needed 2 get out of a shitty roommate situation so the stars aligned etc) mentioned in passing that she was in my apt while i was gone, she mentioned she was looking 4 something bt then changed it 2 checking 2 see if i caught the bus.....i told her basicly i loved her n ment no offense bt my privacy is rly important 2 me n so could she pls not go into my pad when im not there bc it gives me anxiety (which she has also so i was tryna rel8 a lil bit) n she just kinda shut down n started feeling bad abt herself n getting upset tht i thought she wld go thru my stuff . Idk i jus had 2 put this down sumwhere n i havent gotten a new journle yet sigh
#i mean she is. Very ancient bless her in evry way shes 81 so im sure shes just . kinda losin it 4 a lack of a better way 2 put it n . Aughgg#Life is very intimid8ng n i wanna take care of her bt shes so afraid of Everything ever n its stressing her out so much she cant sleep#So then shes coming up 2 my apt (btw i dont have a key 4 my inside door so i keep it unlocked) Late as Haell like 3 4 AM#Asking me 2 sit downstairs w her till she falls asleep . N i keep giving her advice on sleeping better like .#If u sit on the couch watching tv most of the day..when u go 2 bed n do the same thing u wont get tired frm it#Or rrlaxing yr body n focusing on yr breathing Dont put the tv on if yr brain is paying attn 2 wats goin on there#Then u cant focus on sleeping .#And i ask if she understands n if shes listening bt then Every Night doesnt change how her routine is n i just Dont .. I Want 2 Help So Bad#But what can i do when ur not even listening 2 the vry basic lifestyle cuanges u Need 2 make or yr gna worry yrself sick :((((#I dnt think impatronizing i try 2 be gentle n understanding but also like . Semi profesh like Boundaries need 2 b had if im here longterm#Bt she doesnt rlly get that bc shes Very insecure sbt herself i think she just ... Internalizes it into like#Thinking shes burdoning me or makes me feel rlly gulty 4 needing alone time i just . Idk how 2 have this talk w her cuz i feel like#I alrdy have a million times . God i do love her so so much n im scared 4 this future i just want her 2 b happy bbut#im still tryna figure out how 2 even Talk 2 Anybody let alone a very sensitive farm raised senior#Damn this is a vent post and a half#999
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alt vers w thicc lines (that i later ignored) below the cut
#self insert#not self ship#fursona#sfw furry#anthro#furry cat#axcycat meows#this is my fursona their name is reyhoon#also i keep falling in love with the library of ruina painterly style#and then i try putting it in my own art#ooguhghhgugh#ive been working on this piece fur like. maybe 4 hrs straight#i can feel my body falling apawrt /lh#this is based off a. like 4am doodle on the nyaight i had two stay up fur my sleep deprived eeg#where i had 'in hell we live lament' stuck in my head but i wasnt sure if i could listen two it or not beclaws i was only allowed tv#“hey netzach i spent 4 hours painting my fuckin fursona do yew still love me” /lhj (but fr i wonder what he'd think of my art sometimes)#also if yew look below the left (<-) eye they have a teardrop mark slightly obscured by their hair#yew can just barely see it also i got too tired two do the tail anyways im gonna go collapse nyaow bye /lh
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although speaking of vocal synth music sometimes i wonder if maybe vsynth fans have a skewed perspective of what a calm song is? or maybe most people in general dont mind high speeds when it comes to rating a songs "calmness" because recently ive been looking around for slower, more chill tunes and all the "calm vocaloid song" playlists are so high energy. where are the ballads. where are the ballads
#i guess they dont get as much recognition. at least in the english speaking fanbase definitely not#i can think of a few good tunes but i always like looking around for ones ive forgotten and ones i had never seen before#especially when im looking for cover inspiration LOL its a lot easier to find usts and stuff of vsynth songs than nonvsynth ones kjdfskjgfd#but like so many people are putting just like. upbeat medium-high tempo stuff in there. dancey stuff#maybe i need to be the change i wish to see in the world. maybe i need to try finding calm songs and make a playlist#i usually make playlists for ocs or occasionally things im a big fan of but SOMETIMES i make a playlist or two for mood#not often but i have been especially making really gentle sounding playlists for when im really REALLY tired but cant sleep#sometimes when im in that state of exhaustion too high of a bpm will piss me off HKJFSDHV coming from the guy who listens to#drum and bass for studying....... you know how it is. exhaustion is a different beast#also i am just a sucker for ballads. i especially like a big huge like over 7 minute thing....#and theres a lot of vocal synths i think would sound really interesting singing ballads... i must find them... i must find them...
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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺
#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream#which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket#but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful#um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again#while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money#this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming#aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh#and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it#also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am#and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him#i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope#and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and#go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive#situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe#and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant#bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in#reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone#and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here#thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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actually i think Guz would secretly love when I have high fatigue days because he would use it as an excuse to laze around for a day, if anyone tried to ask him to do something he'd act all shocked and offended that someone would even dare suggest he leave his poor suffering partner alone on a day where they're unable to do anything at all, he must be their sole entertainment, don't you see he's doing this for them!! responsibilities must wait on the backburner for the day so he may tend to his sickly victorian-by-the-seaside waif of a partner !!! (all said jokingly with a great deal of dramatics and mock horror)
#there would be a great deal of joking and teasing fjdkdl trying to make me laugh and feel less bad abt being unable to do anything#obviously he'd also feel bad for me that i struggle w this but fjdlsl he'd also enjoy just getting to laze about w me all day#i got out of bed for an hour to eat breakfast and scroll a bit and that tired me out sm that I had to go lie right back down 😭😭#it's gonna be a rough day today fhdmkl i think yesterday had too much happen even though a lot of them were good things#i rly do feel like a sickly victorian child sometimes fjdksl need to go be sent to the seaside to improve my frail constitution smh#i just wish Guz was real so he could lounge around and it'd make me feel less trapped in place fhdkld#if i had someone Choosing to lounge nearby instead of me being alone to be trapped resting then I'd feel better i think djdkdl#it might trick my brain into thinking im choosing to lounge too so I'd feel less frustrated w the situation SIGH alas and alack!!#u know its bad when ur too tired to even read or watch a show or anything 😭#Guz would keep me company though :3 and I'd probably be able to sleep a bit actually if he were here fjfldl just listening to his heartbeat#aaaugghh yearning forever SBHFKDL#dandy.cmd#💜so good at being in trouble#vent //#(sorta kinda but enough that I'll tag it as that djdmdkl esp for my rambling in the tags LOL)
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#i'm so tired lmao#i'm so fucking tired#i go to so much effort to get everyone good gifts for christmas#and i get cash from my parents#bc even when i give her a list of gift cards rhat are easily bought from the fucking grocery store apparently its too hard for my mother#and i ask for oneeeee fuckinggggg dish for christmas and its the one she forgets#and my parents bitch about wach other to me and then my sibling bitches about my parents to me#and who wants to listen to me? nobody!!#im grateful my sibling at least makes an effort to get me a gift#im just over it#im the punching bag and the scapegoat and got abused for years for trying to drag everyone to family therapy and got called crazy by sibling#for literally years and treated like shit by all of them for being mentally ill#yknow what i think i am finally done#nothings going to change in any meaningful way anytime soon#and i cant afford to move out like i need#bc my health is just getting worse and worse and worse living here#see how i feel after sleep but yeah i think im done
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he does it so well
summary ⎯ hot things they do.
includes ⎯ dan heng, gepard, blade, sampo, & jing yuan.
tana's words ⎯ struggling with writing requests rn so i wrote something short to clear writer's block. im sorry guys i'll get to them soon i promise 😭
dan heng
⎯ waits for you before turning the page on a book. he notices that you are reading along with him and waits for you to signal that you're ready before carrying on.
⎯ private > public. he will brush your hand in public but he will be all over you in private. instead of only brushing your hand, dan heng will be brushing up on you. more touchy in private than in public.
⎯ pushes the hair out of your face when it's getting in your way. but he does it in a more sensual way. his fingers graze your lips as he agonizingly drags his hand through your hair.
⎯ long day? melts into your body at night. runs his hands up and down your arms as a way to relieve stress?? leans his head into your neck and sighs so dreamily??? like hello?? lips grazing your neck???
⎯ hot morning voice. raspy and rough. also kind of scratchy. when he tells you, "five more minutes," how could you say no to THAT voice? he knows of this effect and makes sure to use it to his full advantage
⎯ very observant. knows everything you like; knows your routines; knows you. he's the first to compliment you if you got a haircut or new outfit/nails/whatever. it always make you blush bc how is he always the first one to figure these things out?!?@#$%
⎯ gets jealous a little too easily. doesn't do anything verbal about it. opts for being a little more touchy than usual. he thinks it's embarrassing and he wants to hide his face into his pillow when you tease him about it.
⎯ lip biter. not when y'all are kissing, but when he tries to hide his smile or his laugh he bites his lip. you find it so cute and you just want to grab him and just connect your lips with his.
⎯ nerd. hot sexy nerd. he'll tell you about animals and mitosis and python and he's just so intelligent. helps you with problem solving things (probably puzzles idk) and he stands/leans over you with his breath dancing on the back of your neck.
⎯ jawline kisser. if he wants something from you he gives chaste kisses to your jawline. he does that when he's bored too ig. very big on jaw kisses and secretly loves when you flush because of them.
gepard
⎯ blushes when you compliment him. he looks so adorable you just wanna pinch his cheeks and smother him. he gets even more embarrassed
⎯ big domestic guy. ntm on casual stuff or situationships. if he wants you, he'll let you know (even if he's blushing his way through it).
⎯ he is not shy. in the beginning he might be a little shy, but later on the relationship he'll get bolder. chaste kisses on the lips becomes long make-out sessions on his bed after a rather tiring day on the front lines. and if he hasn't seen you in a while... i will let you guys interpret.
⎯ leans down to listen to you. he's literally gigantic and when he LEANS DOWN just to hear what you say... and it's so innocent too but the way you look up at him doesn't make it so innocent anymore...
⎯ pins you to the wall on accident. may or may not be inspired by teenage dream. anyway, he does a lot of hot things on accident and doesn't even realize it. so you are trying not to explode while gepard is enjoying his merry day while caging you underneath him.
⎯ acts like a knight since u always make jokes that he's your "knight in shining armor." so dedicated that he kisses your knuckles out of nowhere and it makes you want to FAINT. like you could be reading and (out of nowhere) he takes your hand away from your book and kisses ur knuckles. AND HE HOLDS EYE CONTACT WHILE DOING IT.
⎯ flirty without knowing it. says something cute and flirty but doesn't realize it until you say something. and he says it so calmly too; like drops it into a convo
⎯ runs a hand through your hair before you two sleep. he just wants to keep you close and he just wants to feel you because he never gets to come home often.
⎯ ROLLS UP. HIS SLEEVES. TO HIS FOREARMS. he does this when he's particularly stressed. like come here i can show you a way to destress (i'm so sorry).
blade
⎯ he's only shirtless when YOU are around. he trusts you enough to show all of himself around you. you are reliable and trustworthy enough to be able to know the entirety of him: his body, his mind, his past, etc.
⎯ intensely loyal to you. like if he had to choose between the world and you he would obviously choose you. would do anything for you, would buy anything for you, would steal anything for you: you guys get the gist.
⎯ he's so loving only towards you. silver wolf and kafka like to tease him for it (especially silver wolf... bc how can he play a game with you and not her). he does little things for you, like picking lint off of your outfit or pulling your hair back when you're eating something. or pulling your hair back when you're doing something...
⎯ LOVES when you wear his clothing. his shirt his jacket ANYTHING. whatever it is, he will be going crazy for it. has a thing for when you wear his shirts; you just look so good and you're wearing something that's HIS. not anyone else's; HIS SHIRT.
⎯ has a little possessive streak. it's not a weird and overprotective possessive thing tho. more so, "no silver wolf you are not going to force them to play games with you." maybe it's more overprotective than possessive, but secretly he wants you all to himself and he does NOT want to share.
⎯ speaking of being overprotective, he is also just regular protective. he walks on the side near the road so you don't have to. he grabs your arm to pull you away from something dangerous. he shields you so he'll get hit before you. yk, cute stuff like that. your safety is his priority, no matter what.
⎯ he is the type to be like, "who did this to you??" and he WILL be hunting that person down. but not without urgently caring for you first.
⎯ his touch is so filled with emotion, genuineness, earnestness, and sincere. i hc that blade doesn't have much relationship experience and he isn't very wordy, so when he hugs you or touches you, all of his emotions are poured into his hands/fingers/etc. all of what he feels for you (which is very much) is shown in his physical touch.
sampo
⎯ MANSPREADS. i said it. HE IS A MANSPREADER. elbows resting on top of his knees as he says something super coy or flirty towards you, and sometimes you even have to PHYSICALLY avert your eyes away.
⎯ a tease. if you lean in for a kiss, he'll lean backwards. if he's missing you, his fingertips will dance along the bare skin of your sides, and then he'll pull away to make you want him as much as he wants you. he is so INFURIATING.
⎯ if he flusters you and you blush n try to cover your face with something (literally anything), he'll grab whatever you're holding so he could see your face. to him, you look the prettiest when you're smiley and flustered, such as in those situations.
⎯ if you're going on a long tangent about something, he'll kiss you on your lips randomly. he doesn't mind your rambling, he thinks it's adorable, which is why he does it. it always leaves you with your jaw dropped before you could continue what you were saying.
⎯ the type to lock himself in a closet with you but on accident. you guys don't know how you two even got into that situation, but sampo is with you, so he couldn't be happier. big quality time guy.
⎯ brings you little trinkets or gifts based on his "business" adventures. whenever he sees something, he gets it for you. his mind is usually racing about you anyway, so he can't help himself when he develops a spending problem because of you
⎯ sings with you to songs. you could be singing in the shower and then you hear this agitating, grating voice. he's a terrible singer, but he'll do anything as long as you're there with him, so he sings with you anyway.
jing yuan
⎯ wakes up and the first thing he does is admire you. he studies every single one of your facial features, acting as if he's never seen them before when he wakes up to your face every day. he finds beauty all around you: in your sleeping face, on the bridge of your nose, the pout of your lips when you're asleep. he just loves all of you.
⎯ a flirt and PROUD. he's bold with his quips. not afraid of initiating affection in public but he prefers private which i think is much sexier.
⎯ neck kisser. heavy on neck kisses (especially in the morning). practically an entire body kisser tbh. he can't get enough of you, and in a world where loneliness strives (immortality), he's grateful that he has you for the time being.
⎯ grabs your chin and tilts your head up if he wants you. he doesn't do it forcefully, more like a gentle smush. he locks eyes with you and omfg it makes your heart beat sm. like why are you looking at me LIKE THAT. so sensually or whateva....
⎯ urges you to come closer to him so he can whisper something in your ear. when do you come closer to him, he pulls you by the waist and gets super close to your ear. like lips brushing your ear. and he blows a raspberry in it. so stupid but too lovable.
⎯ lies down in your lap if you two are lounging together. since he's so busy, he doesn't get to lounge around often, so he likes to be as close to you as possible.
⎯ if he wants to kiss you, you will know. not because he'll tell you. but because of the specific LOOK he gives you. his eyes are narrowed under the spell of seduction, focusing only on your lips. his mouth is slightly parted like he is ready to kiss you, and the way he tilts his head down...
⎯ patient for you. will wait for you even when he is dying to feel you once again. he has to deal with yanqing so he holds a lot of patience. but he won't rush you with anything, lets you move at your own pace, and gives you help if needed. overall sweet guy.
i hope this motivates me into finishing my requests
#tana writes (∗´ ᨔ `∗)#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#hsr#hsr x reader#dan heng x reader#dan heng x you#gepard x reader#gepard x you#blade x reader#blade x you#hsr blade#gepard landau x reader#sampo x reader#sampo koski#sampo x you#jing yuan x reader#jing yuan x you
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physically feeling the jealousy invading my every senses
#trying to compensate for my loneliness with plants and collecting as many as i can#and yet im still not satisfied and im tired of going to sleep and waking constantly thinking about how i could die#and no one would notice which might not be true ik but it's still my biggest insecurity and im tired of crying alone#and not having anyone at all to comfort me#and it's actually hard to breathe and something has been sitting on my chest restricting it for so long and it's so lonely#and i genuinely might die from the pain some day soon#growing up like this so isolated from my peers god i feel so stupid i want friends is that really too much to ask#such a first world problem mayhaps which makes me feel even shittier bc it's the biggest thing that eats at me inside out these days#no one ever understands. ever. and they say they do but they dont because how could they they havent lived a day in my shoes#and it's all just so so lonely#idk whatever#it'll all pass soon#i cant talk to anyone#im always the one listening to what's happening around me and no one bothers listening bc why would they they cant relate#they're not interested#at this point i dont even know how to socialize and i try to but it doesnt work and no one cares enough to reach out to me#and one girl did but i didnt know how to reply or handle it and now she's gone too#and now my closest friend is my five year old sister how funny is that#my contact list is so so so damn long and yet none of those numbers and names would care#or they would ik that but it doesnt feel like they would remember#ignore this im just trying to cope#i thought i was okay i was seven months clean#not anymore#of course not#bc nothing is ever simple
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hi honey bun! i was just having a thought about someone coming home after a night out, a little drunk and sleepy, just crawling into bed with the reader? n maybe trying not to wake her w cuddling and such? 🥺 im so indecisive and couldn’t choose between peter or one/poly marauders, but please also feel free to disregard if it’s not the one for you! kisses xx
Sirius tries to tell them to be quiet, but James is so drunk he’s going to wake up amnesiac and Remus isn’t far behind him. Sirius has a kinder buzz, opening and then closing the door for his idiots begrudgingly. “Shush. You’ll wake her.”
“She should be awake I miss her so much I’m gonna throw up,” James says, all in one breath.
“That might be the Guinness,” Remus laughs. His cheeks have gone pink. Sirius thinks it’s the cutest Remus has ever looked, and he gives him an affectionate smile that’s returned tenfold.
“Be quiet,” Sirius says. A yawn comes suddenly. “Go sit down and have some toast or something.”
“I definitely will throw up then,” James groans, bending over in the middle of the hallway.
Remus, despite being similarly belligerent, starts doting on him. “You okay?” he asks, bending down with a similar sigh of pain. “Come on. I’ll make you a– a glass of water.”
Sirius has spent the night with them, so he loves them, but he misses you too much to stay. He chucks his shoes vaguely in the direction of the shelf and starts up stairs. The walls move under his hand and the bedroom door proves hard to open, but he sees you and forgets that he’s drunk. You’re laying on your side curled into a pillow, arm curled around, one leg sticking out of the quilt.
Sirius pulls the blanket back gently, remembers he’s wearing jeans, changes out of the jeans, and slides into bed in front of you. He slowly, slowly, pulls the pillow from your arms, wrapping his arm under yours and behind your back, the other just shy of your face. Beautiful girl, he thinks, a little woozy from having suddenly changed directions.
You mumble and hug him weakly, fingertips tickling his side.
“For fuck’s sake!” James says somewhere downstairs. “What is this?”
“Water, Jamie,” Remus says, quieter. “You can’t have anything else, don’t be–” A sound and a laugh. “No, kissing me won’t change my mind.” More laughing.
Sirius tugs your hand up to smile into your palm.
“Home?” you mumble.
“Mm,” he hums, eyes closed and heavy but his arm awake behind your back, pulling you closer to his front. “I told them to be quiet… didn’t listen.”
“You…” you’re still stuck in the throes of sleep, and forget you’re talking. Sirius laughs a huff and you blink. “Okay?”
“Yeah. Everything was okay. Next time I’ll stay home with you,” he promises, rubbing his nose into your cheek.
“I liked being alone for a bit, but… missed you in the end.”
Footsteps start up the stairs. “Sorry for waking you up,” Sirius says.
“S’okay. Make them be nice to me.”
That’s easy. As the door begins to open, Sirius pulls you right into his chest, as close as you can possibly be, and shushes you gently. Remus’ laughing swiftly ends, and James says, “Oh no, what’s wrong?” in his softest tone.
James climbs over the bed still in his shoes. Remus grabs him before they can touch the sheets and takes them off, and then James crawls up behind you and hugs you, Sirius’ arms included. “Hi… my angel.”
You ignore him with a disgruntled whine.
“Sorry we were so loud.”
You whine again.
“Do you want Remus instead?”
“No. I don’t not want Remus,” you clarify. “I’m not mad at you. Stay here.”
Remus falls rather drunkenly in behind Sirius, forcing everyone to move over. You look for him in the tangle of arms and blankets, everyone Sirius loves rammed into one bed and exhausted.
“Is anyone in the mood for a kiss?” James asks.
“Too tired,” you mumble.
“Too far away. Make it up to you in the morning,” Remus says into Sirius's shoulder. Sirius is having a hard time following the conversation, distracted by the smell of your perfume and all the skin pressed to his.
James sighs forlornly. “Fine.” A pause. “Sirius?”
He snores.
#the marauders#marauders#poly marauders#poly!marauders#poly marauders x reader#poly!marauders x reader#remus lupin x reader#sirius black x reader#james potter x reader#remus lupin fanfiction#sirius black fanfiction#james potter fanfiction#remus lupin fic#sirius black fic#james potter fic#the marauders x reader#the marauders x fem!reader#remus lupin#sirius black#james potter
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i cant wait to leave this house lmao
#it's honestly not even that bad compared to some people I know#shit some of my friends have way worse situations that mine#but im so tired of having to take care of everything all the time#and being so sad and anxious and stressed#i just wanna be able to be a teenager and enjoy what little time I have left in high school#its not fair cause everyone around me gets to just be normal#even my own fucking siblings#whole time this seasonal depression is kicking my black ass and it feels like I cant even fully explain it to anyone#and i wanna cry about it but the tears literally wont come out lmao#so im listening to buttercup by hippo campus instead#which kinda helps ngl#but everything thats happened lately#idk ive been tryna stay okay for the past few years and between the depression and (likely) autism it's taking such a huge toll#i feel like my brain needs to throw up or something#even my best friend doesnt seem to get it and ik its not her job to provide me with therapy or anything and that shes trying#but i feel so fucking lonely lmao#and my moms birthday was this past Saturday so that was a thing#idk#i just wanna sleep for a really long time i think#cause rn i feel like my mental state is close to how it was freshman year and i actually don't think ill make it if i end up back there#lolz#anywhoo#im totally being dramatic its all good#lee rants#lee rambles
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dating stefan salvatore headcannon (pt 1?)
needed to start my own fanfict page to scratch my own nasty, daydreaming mind because i'm rewatching my fave shows/movies n im obsessed (sorry for typos its 2am n i dont care)
warning: some nsfw shit, minors go away
he's literally the type of guy that your grandma wants you to marry
he feeds the sapiosexual bitches; conversations with him are so fucking intellectually stimulating and while he's talking about a topic/explaining it, you're just staring at him like "this man is so damn smart... I need to ride him" (lol)
has history teacher vibes/has teacher kink vibes sorry but he would def see how turned on you get while he's talking and use it to his advantage
slow mornings with stefan>>>>>>
hearing "good morning baby" as he's stretching/getting closer/putting his arm under your tits to hug you while you're still in bed😵💫😵💫
he will def love to spend alone time with you, just being in each others solitude while being in the same room reading, writing, drinking coffee or just thinking
you basically give him the opportunity to create more peace and silence in his life in between all crazy shit
because you're not in the supernatural world, he would try so fucking hard to protect you from even knowing of it. will even compel you without thinking at the beginning if you find out and would confess everything if it puts you in a life threatening situation
people will use this to their advantage but somehow he got Damon to be protective over you and you will have both of their protection
Damon can't stand how you complement each other, he feels like having two Stefans giving him advice but he mostly listens to you because you're hot to him lmao
When you first met Damon all he could do is disrespectfully flirt with you just to make Stefan mad
Stefan writing you poems, novels and dedicating journals for you in which he writes love letters (I NEED HIMMM)
he loves slow, deep, intimate makeout sessions. having you on his lap or sitting infront of him while he's holding you with one hand on the lower back and another one on the back of your head guiding you while he grips your hair not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to want him to face fuck you <3
he's dominant, he truly enjoys leading you and not just sexually, he will always be giving you non-sexual dominance like guiding you in crowded spaces, makes decisions for you if you need assistance, will be watching you/making eye contact with you if not together in the same room
he loves having you sit on his feet while your head rests on his lap and he caresses your face and plays with your hair (I NEEEED HIIIMMMMMUGHHHHH) (also this gives me Klaus/Elijah Mikaelson vibes im dead)
im so tired, but i will sleep thinking about our daddy Stefan Salvatore AMEN and i wanna write more shit PEACE
#stefan salvatore#the vampire diaries#stefan salavatore x reader#stefan salvatore smut#stefan salvatore headcannon#damon salvatore#tvd fanfiction#stefan salvatore x you#stefan salvatore x reader#stefan salvatore imagine#stefan salvatore fanfiction#tvd#damon salvarote#damon salvatore x reader#damon salvatore x y/n#damon salvatore x female reader#klaus mikaelson#elijah mikaelson#klaus mikealson x reader
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