#listen i just. i dont want to see tumblr live. and if i update it i will

[goomymegpoid]

I still havent updated tumblr so i still cant even see polls. Whats the deal with vanilla extract

[samuelroukin]

hi! not here in favor of you making Actual Books (i don't even read any of the newly published books anymore for reasons and reasons and reasons), just complimenting your work in general

i dont really care for cod at all but i really enjoy how you write the characters!! and tbh the only reason i watched some playthroughs of the games was so i could understand your work better. sure, fandom is the main reason people click in, but it's definitely not why they're staying. and it's not why people are writing paragraphs of praise to your stubborn ass even though you work so hard to never listen to any of it 💖

also id be enchanted to hear more about your ocs on future works or even here on tumblr!! you're great at creating made up people that actually feel real. they're pretty round (funnily enough that is the actual technical term), even when you don't tell us a lot about them

also 👀👀 say you have original stuff in mind?????? i would love love love love love to know more about that!! you're getting pretty darn good at worldbuilding and ambiance. better with each update now that you're trying out this AU thing. it would be infinitely interesting to see what you come up with when working with your own stuff only

anyway what i mean is. even though I don't quite believe in Published Books on this day and age, please know that your writing is definitely good enough for the editorial market (even more so now that those dark romance things are going mainstream and a lot of them read like the stuff 12yos post on wattpad. what tf is the deal with that? but I digress. out of those circles your work is still definitely good enough) it's legit like Good Work, even if the tiny mean bully whispering in your ear disagrees. it's good realism. good introspection. good porn and also good narrative and great junction of those. it's lovely seeing how far you've come in so little time and we're excited to see you reach new heights in the future (because you will, with absolute certainty, unless you stop. but i don't think you could really stop yourself at this point lmao)

and please know that achieving that level of quality with no help or instruction or training in so little time is a grand fucking accomplishment

point is: Who Care? We Care (even if we're not an enormous audience)(...yet?). and not just because it's cod

it's def a nice compliment to get thank u 🙏💖

and so is you reading my stuff without caring much for cod! though i wouldn't be able to write this much about them without (clearly) being completely insane about Them and the basis the games laid (haha laid) because without them i'd be nowhere at all, these characters are so. well they clearly took over my brain lol, though i worry a Lot about them being ooc when i write them 💀

i actually feel like my guys are so barebones and one dimensional rip, which is fine since i mostly created them as little more than a joke and they're just being used as set dressing, so that means a lot 🙏

my Main story is this sprawling urban fantasy thing, which if i ever did write it would need serious adjustments since it's. old and not aged very well. the gist of it was the main character (30 year old barista) has Visions, cue road trip with his bestie (ex bf from high school that he reconnected with years later) to figure out The Deal after they suddenly get much worse. it's about that on the surface, and below about dealing with missed chances and not living up to ur potential. it sounds stupid but i've been Thinking about it since i was like 14 so cringe is to be expected lol

lsklhkjhffghst yeah no offense to them but despite this fic being what it i i wouldn't really want to fall into that category even if that sound like i think i'm better than them (i'm not it's just not my thing. or i guess it is and i just have a superiority complex. anyway) um thank you once again 🥺i def feel like i haven't improved a lot but you're dead on about not being able to stop myself anyway lmao

idk why you're being this nice to me but 💖💖💖

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Hello there, thanks for stumbling across my blog!

(Here's a lil comic I made for a school assignment)

Artblog: @chronicallyartistic

Audio drama blog: @chronically-listeningtopodcasts

I'm going to start putting my social energy levels in my bio... There's a lot of stuff I want to respond to but i currently dont have the energy to do so, and so if I don't respond within like a day, check my bio and see that...

Who am I / Where else can you find me?

First of all, feel free to call me Eli!! I'm on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. I am agender and aroace-spec.

I am verrryyy enthusiastic about the things I am interested in (hence the URL hehehe). And currently, those are: podcasts (theres a list at the bottom of the post), good omens, ofmd, bbc merlin, star trek!!!!, lotr, and probably more things that I am too tired to think of right now!

I use the queue! Im not awake at the ungodly hours i sometimes am seen posting at, I just dont want to utterly flood peoples dashes! I do reblog fandom stuff and things ive added anything to immediately, so if you see a few posts in short succession, im online!

I am a very big fan of the oxford comma and double brackets. Semicolons are pretty cool too. And ellipses are incredible.

i love all of my mutuals dearly!! Making cookies and hot chocolate for you all <33

I try to use tone tags as much as possible!

Boundaries:

Things I am okay with sharing/doing:

My age, gender/sexuality, things about my guinea pigs!!, and most other things

Things I am not okay with sharing/doing:

The city I live in, pictures of me/anyone I know, my full name, my birthdate, my phone number/email address, meeting up with people irl, sending/receiving money/gifts, dms (<- though if we're mutuals and interacted a lot dms are fine!!)

^ this applies to everyone im not in the discord with

I will let someone know if they cross boundaries, and *really* would like other people to let me know if I cross theirs!!

DNI: people who are here to spread hate and anger. Just, stay away. I dont engage in discourse. I know DNIs dont deterr these people, but this is a demonstration of my core values :)

Tags:

(At the top cause otherwise it will get lost) ALSO #tw body horror

I block quite a few tags but most notably #tw war and other ones to do with the war in israel/palestine. This is not because I don't care. I care so so so much about what is happening and I cry every time I see a post about it. It breaks my heart that such horrible things are happening. However, I really struggle with high empathy, and seeing a post about it can really affect me for a while, and I need tumblr to be a safe space away from the real world problems. If I follow you - please could you tag things to do with war. Thank you <3

Updated to clarify - I do block the generic tags such as Israel and Gaza, which most of the posts are tagged with by the op, so if you forget its no big deal!!

A list of all the podcasts I listen to because y'know, its fun:

Fiction:

The Amelia Project

Wooden Overcoats

The Adventure Zone

Sherlock & Co

Alba Salix

Unseen

And a whole lot more that i no longer listen to either because they havent updated or they are a little too creepy (Welcome to Night Vale falls into the latter category)

Science:

The Sci Guys

Lets Learn Everything

Lingthusiasm

A podcast of unnecessary detail.

Comedy/other:

Dear Hank and John

The Unmade Podcast

Books Unbound

Lateral

A book list of recommendations from mutuals for my own use:

abigail by Magda Szasbo (@mack-anthology-mp3)

The Alphabet of Candice Phee (@jamie-dinow)

A list of music reccomendations from mutuals:

in the lap of the gods revisited by queen, why can't i be you by the cure, pyramid song, and lucky & the tourist by radiohead, when the sun hits by slowdive, dancing barefoot by patti smith, tangerine by led zeppelin, autumn sweater by yo la tengo, rubber ring by the smiths, water by pj harvey (from @/mack-anthology-mp3)

imi hendrix’s all along the watchtower (from @/catholickedd)

[crowisinthetrash]

Hello everyone! Haven't been on here in a while again

Sooo a little update on life is that someone I've had a crush on since year 7-8 (I think? It's been a while, but I dont remember the exact year level). I have been chatting with me for a few days, and my feelings are definitely reawakened when I text him. Like I perk up at every notification, I'm aware of how much I smile when I see his messages and everything

So he has me in tiktok, insta and discord and I hope he doesn't have a tumblr and find this post 😅 but ANYWAYS I don't get worried that he's ignoring me because he explained to me that he feels bad since he's moving (to my state suqiaieusu) and has a habit of not touching his phone for a few days. I also know he enjoys his alone time, so I'm trying to tone down how much I send because I don't want to spam him 😭😭

Though they did say he's okay with random messages throughout the day as long as I understand I'm not ignoring him so I don't know whether I'm just overthinking that I'm coming off as annoying or something because I do genuinely not want him to be overwhelmed by messages 😭

Also, we both have chatted, and I know they are into steven universe (obvi), minecraft, elden ring, dead by daylight, my hero academia, jjk, cats and that he cosplays and crossdresses. He also likes a few things we like, so yeah! Also for music he told me about his favourite album and I had given it a listen (he really wasn't kidding when he said it was sad) He also goes by he/they, neurodivergent and mentally ill like meee. Also, potentially, he might get into genshin impact once he's moved and settled in. I've also started today by sending a small question of the day sort of thing to get to know more about him when he's able to reply ^^

He's honestly the cutest and prettiest ever, and honestly, I want to squeeze him, but like in the most positive way possible, yk? Also, he reacts to my messages with little heart emojis, and it honestly makes me really giddy each time and it's just.. wiqiqooicwiiqjdiw

ALSO, my tiktok recently keeps giving me initial type tiktoks, and our initials keep coming uo together, and it's all on romantic relationship things. Usually, I scroll and go about my day, BUT is this a coincidence anymore?? Because this had happened more than once?? what do you guys think??

Anyway, a few other things that I have going on is that I'll be seeing Mother Mother live in November, which is coming up, so that's exciting! I heard Metallica will also be coming down next year with one of my favourite bands (Evanescence), so that makes me also really excited and gives me a lot of time to save money 😅😅 Also I don't know if I told you all yet but I do have a job and that's at Subway so yeah lol

Anyway, that's it from me for what I know, if I do become dead on here again, expect some other random update like this again haha! Also let's hope he doesn't find my tumblr and see this post..

[kulemii]

i know i've been kinda not around as much on tumblr and discord lately but that's been bc this new job is kicking my ass. since i'm driving, i cannot safely check my phone throughout the day and the work is so fast paced so ya know... but here's a bit of an update for anyone curious:

i'm an official deliveryman ( i know i'm a woman but i like the way that sounds, dont check me) and so far i've delivered up to 200 packages a day. i've been on the road for roughly two weeks now (give or take) and so far i am LOVING IT!!! the time flies, there's no one bothering me throughout my shift so long as i do what i'm supposed to, i can listen to my tunes, talk on the phone (if anyone is ever bored enough to voice chat on discord someday let me know- i'd be down), although the job is face-paced it's still laid back which is perfect for my temperament- i could go on!

there are things i hate too like, being at the mercy of the weather, people that live in apartments with stupid set ups that dont leave instructions on how to navigate their complexes because that eats up so much of my time, when people dont answer their damn phones (eating up my time), businesses because they also eat up my time, also the weird sexism that happens like, sometimes women will be rude as fuck to me despite how polite i am to them then a male fedex or ups worker will come in, suddenly they're the nicest bitches on the planet (this has happened a couple of times- that's why i think it's sexism). another thing is dogs, people act like they can't fucking manage their dogs and i have to just accept it as inevitable that i will eventually be attacked by someone's dog at some point. when that happens, i will sue :) also, i technically work for a major company but the company i work directly work with is a subcontractor or some shit and they're a new, small company- super unorganized and i dont like an unorganized employer. i like to have confidence in the people that pay me.

all in all, i do like the job. i love it. i'm good at it and in fact give me a month or two and i know that i'll be excellent at it. i'm still learning right now.

oh but yesterday, i did make a decision that i don't want to stay long. i want to collect my experience and then i'll dip out for a company that pays more because this MAJOR MONEY MAKING MACHINE pays the least out of all the delivery driving companies. it's a shame. the reason why i made that decision is because yesterday the owner went on this weird speech about how she's older (55-not that old to be saying this shit) and wiser than all of us and no one can get one over on her because she's seen it all because she's ex-military. oh, and that she's hired 12 new drivers WITH experience so we're all easily replaceable if she sees we can't handle it lmao. babygirl... you're easily replaceable. you don't pay that well compared to the competitors nor are your benefits good.

next thing! i have orientation at my second job on the 9th which pays a few dollars more than this job doing kinda the same thing. it's part time but there are possibilities for full time. i just needed to get my foot in the door first. *in my nishiki voice* so, who did you say was easily replaceable? hahaha. anywho, i give myself about 6 months to a year at that main place, long enough to put the experience on a resume before i start looking for other options but i think driving may be my calling because i'm genuinely happy doing it already and i can see myself growing doing it.

i'm gonna be tired as hell juggling two jobs but duty calls 🫡

[preciadosbass]

15/8/24 [1 DIY/2, if you concider the jacket diy due to the custom aspects + got 2 CDS!! key & significant photos at end]

reguarding the end of yesterdays journal, the update for when i actually went to sleep was 3:40-50. i woke up today at 8, fed boris and briefly said goodmorning to him, checked my socials, and got to adding a new addition to the things i post. i’ve decided to do weekly recaps/highlights to focus on the cool things i’ve done because i can imagine most people dont want to read the long journals i write and find out if there’s anything interesting hidden in there. i therefore started screenshotting parts of my previous journals to write it down and make a draft/drafts. at 9:20 i started making just random drafts, like unposted pictures ive taken at reptile experience, things like that.

AND saw the new gerard way sighting via my tumblr feed!! apparently he was at the cinema again XD — at 9:30 i started downloading drawing references of my fav musicians and got to drawing my killjoy oc again at the same sort of time. i finished at 10:30 and had to keep on redrawing stuff before uploading it to my phone because i couldn’t find a layer id drawn scribbles on so i could delete it lmaoo // i’m not really happy with how it came out, look for more than a quarter of a millisecond and you notice everything wrong with it. hopefully if i keep up drawing everyday i’ll improve.

i cant expect much from a second time drawing since like 4 years ago but i’m just disappointed. everyone else on here is so talented *cries /hj* i scrolled on scenemo-related posts on my tiktok feed until getting ready to go out. i didn’t plan on going out today, mostly because i thought i’d be sleeping all day, but i didn’t have the urge to go back to sleep so i tagged along to see some family with my parents. i got dressed into my dark cargo jorts [told you i’d be wearing these a lot] and my skinless shirt, as that and my silent hill shirt are the only ones that go with the cargos. i also accidentally forgot all of my bracelets, so i felt naked the entire time i was out. 11:20, i went outside with boris.

he was SO affectionate and spent the whole time i was out there circling around me while pressing his-self onto my back and then going over to my hand to nudge it, and prompt me to stroke him. he’s like this almost all the time but something about it today just made me more happy than usual. i literally couldnt stop smiling. like he was propped up on me that’s so adorable 😭. i must’ve looked crazy to all the people driving past though. i stayed out until 12:10 when i had to leave.

i went out to see my grandad at his assisted living facility, his daughter [my distant aunt], and my other grandad, of whom i didn’t know was coming until we got there. i listened to underoath and paramore during the car ride and we got there at 12:30. i was greeted by the care home’s cat and with my grandad [the one who lives independently] WITH LITERALLY JUST HIS FRONT TEETH AND NO OTHER ONES APART FROM HIS BOTTOM SET 😭 he talked about something to do with this when i came round his house not too long ago but i thought he’d have more than two?? just joking, he found it funny i was surprised too.

the care home had this outside music thingy on so me, my mum, and my mums dad sat in the garden while my aunt and dad wheeled my grandad down to our table. he wasn’t as unresponsive as he sometimes is today. it was clear he tried to make conversation and said a few things which were just so - him. [he has dementia and dosent usually speak/has little to no mobility to an extent/has been this way since i can remember etc. just tryna give you an idea of why this was amazing.] a few times he came out with like, full sentences, which was nice to hear. my aunt also gave me the can tabs shes been collecting for me. me and my dad left to go charity shopping [thrifting] at 2, while the others stayed. we went into at least seven/eight and in the third i found an evanescence cd RAA - such a good find. not even a minute later my dad pointed out an avril lavigne cd which i also took and bought.

i cant wait to play them both, i just need to find something to do while listening. i’m bad at just listening to music without another task, i end up focusing on my thoughts and not taking in or processing any of the lyrics etc. me and dad walked back to the home and sat with the others for a bit before my dad and aunt took my grandad back up to the living room area. to be fair it was getting colder and we had to head off anyways. he didn’t like the lift very much but they eventually got him into his signature chair around all of his housemates and i said goodbye to him. i gave him a hug and he kissed me on the top of my head without any prompt whatsoever, which was heartwarming. we starting driving back at 3 and i listened to gerard way on the way home before having not even a minute long nap.

we got home at 3:10 and boris was so happy to see me. he ran up to the car once we’d parked and meowed at me while lifting up his head for me to stroke it. i stayed outside with him and added the new can tabs to my tab bracelet. it was enough to finish it so i tied it off and it’s a perfect fit. its big enough to go down my arm a bit, but not big enough to fall off my wrist. at 4:50 i randomly sparked an idea to make an upcycled necklace with one of my favourite musicians on it. i didn’t have any pictures of jaime or chi that were small enough to fit on a bottlecap, so i resorted to a print of kellin quinn. my dad drilled holes through a corona bottlecap and once he was done i used mod-podge to still the picture onto it. i left it to dry on a book and went back outside with boris.

he came inside to sit on the table so i also sat there with him until around 7:20 as my phone ran out. while i was sitting with him however, i attempted to draw my killjoy oc again. its honestly embarrassing so i’m never letting anyone see it and i hope i neevr do again — but it’s a shame because i genuinely thought it’d turn out alright. in my room i checked to see if my necklace had dried [it had], doomscrolled on tiktok, and saved outfit inspo. this lasted up until 8:30 and at this time i got dressed again to try on one of the outfits in question, just so i knew how it looked on me so i can wear it the next time i do something.

the outfit was: [there’s a photo at the end but you can’t see a few things because of the lighting] a sleeping with sirens shirt, with a long sleeved burgundy shirt underneath it rolled up to just above my elbows. with my can tab bracelet, a studded single rowed cuff, a wooden bracelet, a string bracelet consisting of lots of shades of blue, an earth colour schemed crystal ball bracelet, ripped skinny jeans, and a sleeping with sirens band bracelet. after taking photos for journal reference and so i don’t forget anything when i wear it, i found a plain black zip up jacket. i took a few pins off my backpack and added them to the pockets and neck piece/line.

they consisted of: a saw pin, a paper clip with the gay flag on [again, not even really because i’m gay - i just love the colours, a paper clip with a black stone/crystal sphere attatched, a pin implying taxidermy, a kellin quinn pin, and a pentagram pin. i tried it on, and maybe it’s just because of the general heat [although i tried it on at night and my room dosent have a working radiator or anything] but it warms me up almost immediately. which is great because i haven’t worn a coat since i started dressing alt and im always cold. i did all of the above while listening to my new evanescence cd — my favourite song from the album hasnt changed, its imaginary. afterwards i went out to the kitchen table and sat with boris.

my sister suddenly [i say suddenly, she’s always like this - which is why it’s so draining.] started screaming at the top of her lungs and jumping and punching the floor [the ceiling above the kitchen] and it was terrifying boris and archie. boris was already panicking, and then it set off the dog because he must’ve thought someone was dying. it was deafening. i went upstairs, frustrated, because she genuinely acts like she dosent share a house with anyone else and screams while gaming everyday; despite also being told to quiet down everyday. she also knows how loud she’s being, and how sound sensitive me and the animals are. anyway, i asked her to be quiet because she’s scaring boris [in an slight angry tone, because it was angering. but not like, anywhere near shouting.] and she replied with something along the lines of ‘no im not, and i don’t care.’

i told her to stop again and she shook her head and continued speaking to whoever she was playing a game with. i just said her name, again, implying for her to stop and she smirked and started waving at me. i said ‘what is wrong with you?’, she told me she hates me, and i walked off. then i cried for like 30mins because i felt guilty about saying that. i’m just really sick and tired of my cat, who lives here, feeling scared in his own home because of her. aswell as me, i also feel on edge here because of the whole screaming thing, and how angry she gets over it when she’s told to shut her door or quiet down. [shutting doors dosent make a difference though, as our house is from the 1800s and the walls are paper thin.] i carried on accompanying boris and made a couple of gerard way gifs at 11.

i went into my room for a split second and when i came back i saw that boris was sitting in corner beside the doorway of the kitchen. which i immediately thought was really weird, and then i saw that he’d been sick. i called my dad because i don’t know how to clean stuff like that up from our old floors and tried my best to comfort him. he wasn’t really having it, which makes sense because he obviously couldn’t have been feeling good. it was a hairball, thankfully [and unkthankfully, of course], most likely due to him licking/biting out lots of his hair because of the bugs from outside getting on him. my mum will be giving him treatment for it soon, it’s just always trouble when its applied, because he gets very agitated and one he runs away, your not getting another chance. and if you do get through to him and apply the treatment, you can’t really fuss him for over a day.

which is such an obstacle for me because i try my best to spend a lot, if not all, of my free time with him. he kept on wanting to go outside afterwards, so i left him to his own devices as he was still quite skittish over being around anyone. at 12:20 i was in my room after checking if he wanted to come in, when i decided i was gunna nap. i slept on and off for 10 minutes before my mum came back from being out with her friend. i napped again, this time on and off for 15-20 minutes. she came back once id woken up and let boris in with her. he straight away had something to eat at the bowls outside my room’s door and was purring. my mum told me that it was raining outside so i felt terrible that id accidentally left him out there while i slept. hopefully he managed to get under my dads car/the bit over the front door but he was clearly wet.

i attempted to fuss him and apologise. i spoke to my mum about why i think he’s not okay and then got the yes to coming up and doing the questions. on the way upstairs, boris followed me round the living room and onto the living room table. he put his head back for me to stroke it and purred again. which sort of gave me the idea that he was/is feeling better, which i hope with every part of me is the case. upon going up to ask the questions, my sister got into a huge heated argument with my parents over some update that’s coming to one of the game she plays tomorrow. she said that it’s being released at 4am our [UK] time.

my mum said my sister could put an alarm on her phone, but she said that it won’t wake her up and started begging my parents to wake up at 4 to get her up. they said no and she started screaming and everything. she finally went into her room after my dad looked it up and found out it’s allegedly happening at 9, so she got her phone back for 10 minutes to put on another alarm and tell her friend that the original time is most likely wrong. i started doing my questions after my sister agreed she wouldn’t disrupt them and everything would still be okay, even though she’s not supposed to be awake when i do things like this. mainly because of change in routine.

i started doing my questions and she came into my parents room and i had to stop. she eventually left after kind of verifying that didn’t mess everything up and i finished doing my questions. i actually managed to get downstairs at 2:25, so that’s also when i finished them. it took longer that it should’ve because of the really long argument and after boris being sick, i had even more reasons to believe he isn’t okay. and, my parents didn’t ask me to do them until quite late. i went on to pour myself some icy water, feed boris, do my teeth, and then say goodnight to boris.

i showed him what i’d done today and fed him his treats like always. he was purring like crazy throughout the whole time i was speaking to him which made me feel really relaxed. i finished at an unknown time [i thought i logged it but apparently not] and went to sleep at 4:10.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/immediate family’s dog, questions [about boris]/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he’s okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i’m hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.

have a good day/night O_o

[the-kipsabian]

what are your favourite youtubers? 👀

i hope you will feel better soon💖

mmm lemme go through my sub box to see who i watch frequently ough

ashley norton (im actually pretty sure you posted about that gaylor video and ive just been devouring her content ever since lmao)

austin eruption

barry (im gonna put him here tho i watch him more live on twitch these days but the vods are excellent tho)

chadchad

critcrab

crowes perch

izzzyzzz (she is everything please watch izzzy 💜💜💜)

john wolfe

kip sabian (listen im biased pls watch stream compilations even tho they dont update super often LMAO)

onetopic (he hasnt posted in a while i think but if you want extremely wholesome and supportive and inclusive meme content here you go 💜💜💜)

redlettermedia (im sorry LMAO)

rerez

saberspark

strange aeons (i would be a faulty tumblr girlie if i didnt mention this one huh)

the click

wicked wizard

i think thats mostly it? sorry for all the cringe i regret nothing lmao

[smollilbaby]

274TH DAYS

mylove ღ Happy 9th months together!! Its literally few days after what i did. Before i continue, i want to say that im sorry once again for lying to you. I know i shouldnt have , but i just did. Im sorry for not listening to you. 3 days before our day, i lied to you. The day where my world trembles, not knowing whether there will still be US or not due to my lies. I hurt you, & we fought till we didnt talked for hours. Honestly i wasnt prepared for anything. Its not even like wtv flows let it flows. I was so in fear that you might leave me. Honestly i couldnt imagine if things were to go south, like what am i going to do next...

But, im so glad and happy that you give me chances again. Chances after chances, what did i do to deserve these, abby? ღ

And i know, its gonna takes time to trust me again, i understand that. I'll try my very best to earn that trust back again from you. I will do everything in my power to make u trust me again. The reasons that i started off this tumblr again, its because i believe this is the place where my words are being thoughtful and makes u feel much more appreciated ღღ Im sorry for the months that i didnt update these, i didnt have the peace and time to brain this, but i sure this time round, i'll find time to update. Maybe the day that i fucked up, probably the time i pikir jauh want to keep my baby so i need to prove my words with my action ღ

Lets go back to the main ones instead.

Happy 274 days my princess ღღ Its been 9th months since we're together. Can u actually believe how fast the time flies? Lepastu nnt tahu tahu je dah setahun ayang ღ Tapi sebelum tu, lagi 3 bulan kita nya 1st anniversary. Lagi 3 bulan tu jugak, birthday i!! Dia mcm ibarat dpt 2 hadiah, satu hadiah birthday, lagi satu hadiah anniverysary, which is u, mybaby! ღღ

Baby, i would like to thank you for everything. Thank you for making US work until today and in the future too. It takes two hands to clap, and thank you for clapping hands with me. Even after your parents found out about us, i'd still loves you like even more now, like i wont let you go. Biarlah parents you tak suka, janji u suka dan bahagia, im happy ready. You're all that i need in my life baby. You need to know that i cant and i wont let you go. I want to hold you till forever, even tho forever doesnt exist, i'd still want and need you my love.

You're the reason that im smiling daily!! You're the reason that makes me happy 24/7. Youre the reasons that i feel so much loves. Thank you for the loves and cares you gave me ღ Thank you for showing whats true love and what its like to be happy. You're the reasons for everything we've achieved so far! And i believe theres always more to come for us!

We're going to see each other for years now, so just bare with me okay love? HAHHHAHAH

Anyway, i cant promise u the best, but i'll try my best to be the best one yet in being yours. I'll prove to you that im worth of your time and love given. I really loves you so much and i dont want to lose you, ever again. You've been a part of me, but now you're inside of me. You're my heart and my soul. Without you, i couldnt live. I need u to breathe, you're my strength and my happiness. You're me.

And with that, thank you for the 274th days together, and still counting ღ I wish us nothing but the best together! In the future, if theres obstacles, we're going to go thru it together. Its us against the world baby. I love you so much! ღღღ

To many more months and years together, cinta!

#274th #somuchlove #eternity

[eddiexmunsn]

Is it bad I havent shared anything here on Tumblr because I have <15 followers and half are mutuals who have already shared stuff. Tumblr is supposed to be my "escape" from the real world. On my irl social media I've shared stuff, I have more reach there and I knowni have some followers who are of differing opinions. I feel kind of guilty not sharing things though

reblogs are always nice because they can push it more on people’s “for you” tab if they follow your mutuals or like related things that you do, but also i feel like it’s a bit harder because of the tumblr algorithm. it’s not tiktok, where likes and comments have huge impact on how many people see the content. tumblr is more about having a corner and mostly sticking in it until you find new content to include in that space. it can also kinda be an echo chamber on here, so i’d always double check any stuff i’m reblogging on here that doesn’t already have reliable sources given in the post.

i definitely recommend following Palestinian creators and other journalists on instagram/twitter to share and push out their videos and messages, no matter how many followers you have. ANY eyes on this is good, even if it’s just a couple. and it’ll be uncomfortable to see these things and to put it on display for others, but i personally think Palestine lives are more important than my feelings right now. does that mean im not taking care of myself mentally and physically? i absolutely am doing my best to keep myself mentally sane while my government doesn’t listen to us. but imo its more urgent to help than to put my comfort first.

all that being said, it never hurts to reblog stuff on here if your mutuals are! i know we all want to have our safe spaces, but the Palestinians don’t get that. and i am personally choosing to put their lives first and my discomfort second.

i don’t want this to come off white savior-y or self righteous, im trying to hold myself accountable. we cannot makes this about us, this is about them. about the men and boys being executed, and the women and children who are sniped and buried under rubble.

i’d rather be distressed and trying to help, than to soothe myself and turn away from the truth just to be comfortable. especially because im an american jew, and this genocide is being committed in the name of MY culture & religion and is being funded with MY tax dollars. i dont think its right for me to stand by like im innocent, because im not.

here’s a list of some instagram accounts that are reliable and showing the truth:

motaz.azaiza

wizard_bisan1

by_plestia

hindkhoudary

pslnational

jewishvoiceforpeace

officialjakegyllenhala

eye.on.palestine (very graphic footage/images)

aljazeeraenglish (or just aljazeera)

sbeih.jpg

celebrities4palestine posts updates on celebrity action against the genocide

[loomworld]

loom(s)

ash | she her

codes, music, thoughts

USER CHANGE !!

loomspost -> loomworld

01 ) who am I?

my name is loom(s)!! I use the prns she her, im chinese and indonesian. I'm a bisexual leaning fem!! im TiNe sx5(w4)94 R[C]UE/I/ (TYPOLOGY)

02 ) what is this blog for?????

this blog is my personal blog / online identity !! haha kiddingg, mainly used js to write down my opinions nd sometimes my thoughts, I share a lot of my music taste here and updates on artists nd bands (mostly the 1975!!) I like. I sometimes post my codes!!

I currently don't have specific tags for posts becoz I'm too forgetful for that

I'm very sensitive, meaning there's gna b a lot about my thoughts and everyday life. If you dont like this, feel free to break moots ^^

My blog is not necessarily apart of a fandom hence personal blog, but its leaning into the 1975 and codeblr. So you'll see a lot of codes, the 1975 and other bands alike!!

I also quite literally just post about shit im intrested in currently, ill reblog anything I find intresting and post walls of text sometimes just writing my thoughts down or answering asks. Chain reblogs are my absolute favorite thing on tumblr, so I reblog a lot of reblog chains either with my own thoughts or just the reblog chain itself.

I advocate for lgbtq and I'm a feminist, I share a lot of my ideals and beliefs here!! I dont try to push them but I blog about them quite often.

This blog is everything inside my mind !! everything that's going on inside there is literally my blog, this is like my identity. If u don't like seeing posts about like one topic that I'm currently fixated on then this blog isn't for u, I post movie reviews and I'm literally a cinophile!!

Beware this blog quite literally is my little diary, if I feel like shit I'll be blogging about what happened that day and how I feel. All TWs will be in #s and I will warn before hand so if you dont like any topics mentioned than just scroll past !! this blog is like an online tracker or an online database of my life. (this is dead ass just my identity.)

03 ) about me

I believe in the magic of science and see beauty everywhere, I'm the biggest fan of The 1975, MCR, PTV, TV girl, and many more. My music taste varies and depends on my mood a lot of times! I listen to a little bit of everything, from cpop to jpop and kpop. im really into jpop and kpop too! but I come crawling back to the 1975 everytime. I live in jakarta and my dream is to live in NYC, I can speak 5 languages (russian, chinese, english, indonesian, swedish) im a cinophile and I love music!! I play 3 different instruments (violin, piano, flute) and I code (python). Im into quantum physics and science itself!! I dont really post abt my intrests, just my thoughts and experiences, I do occasionally post abt them tho!!

intrests <- click for intrests

04 ) DNI

basic dni criteria, terfs, lib fems, bigots, the 1975 antis, matty healy antis, Taylor swift antis, rad fems, support harmful labels or ideologies, CC supporters, excessive nsfw blogs, sinophobia in any way, fucking flat earthers, JKR supporters, Vanessa Kirby antis, RCTAs, ECTAs, white feminists (as in white feminism), ai supporters, Elon Musk dickriders

05 ) BYF

selective follow / slow to follow back sometimes. Not following you back doesn't necessarily mean I don't like you!usually it's because of lack of shared intrests, intrests I don't want to see, untagged / excessive nsfw, excessive discourse etc.

excessive reblogging / once I'm on tumblr and I find something like literally anything i like, I'll start reblogging it. I reblog shit a lot so that might clog ur following dash.

I do a lot of 'housekeeping' / for moots, I'm not gna instantly reblog the stuff u blog abt esp if it contains nsfw. I'm very picky on what's on my page !!

Inconsistent posting / what I mean by this, is my theme constantly changed and the stuff I reblog or blog is constantly changing!!

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. traveling iced coffee drinker honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😌

How are you this morning? I'm not sure if you guys have left Oklahoma or have already arrived in CA, but I hoped you guys had a safe flight! 😅 hopefully not much troubles during the TSA stuff.

I've read the fic before. I'm really not a big fan of dark Wanda lol I can't see her as evil, even after MoM, I can't see her as the villain. But I like the story! I like how you incorporated the stuff from the movie. Although, I did wonder back then if you were going to make a part 2.

Yeah I'm on wattpad, but not very much. The people I follow haven't posted much. But I found your stories on tumblr. I don't remember how though.

I'll give them a listen. Do you have a favorite album by Glass Animals?

For your questions about my crush, I should really say crushes ahahaha but they are from real life and tiktok. I think I have a tumblr crush too, but I'm not sure yet.

That's cute. I'm like your husband. When I was with my ex wife, I would always sing to her when I bring her breakfast. Or when I'm being silly.

Any big plans for the day when you're in CA?

-CuriousGeorge

Hello corn-punn!

Hahha it's funny that u used ice coffee drinker nickname today.. because this morning it was like 20 degree outside n i ordered cold brew with salted caramel foam . N i was so happy because it was so good.

So we woke up at 4am to get ready but my flight got delayed. It was supposed to be at 8am n it was delayed to 1h40minutes. The Oklahoma airport was surprisingly not that busy. I wrote a bit in flight but then fall asleep for like 20minutes.

Anyway, how r u? Hows ur day today? Sorry for the late reply..it was a very very busy day. Spent time with the family, been talking with the in laws n i finally got some time alone just now.

We got here like 10.40. N we got at my in laws at 1.15. Im so tired right now..

N the weather here is so much warmer but we brought mostly warm clothes, i can only pray it will be cold. I hv vbeen sneezing. I think it's because the extreme difference of the temperature. I was in 15 degree this morning n end up in 70ish sunny weather. N on christmas here it says it will 80 degree.. 😩😫

Haha yeah i got what u meant.. i never see her as villain either but not gonna like, dark wanda / scarlet witch is hot.. 😅🤣 n i love that kind of dark fic that has obsession or stalking or jealousy in it. I like movies like that too.

I dont think i would make pt. 2 for that fic.. i actually have another my own idea and i have 2 more requests of dark fics wanda. So i probably gonna scratch my own. Haha. Or atleast postpone mine for a while.

Ah i see. Im in wattpad too n i havent really update there.

I havent really listen to all their albums but i know some of my favorite songs which i think they r from different albums.

1. Gooey Rework

2. Gooey

3. Youth

4. Your Love (Déjà Vu) and this one inspired me an idea of a fic which i havent write it yet.😅

5. Tangerine (with Arlo Parks)

6. Hazey

Ouh about ur crush... interesting! It gets my attention! 🤭😆 okay, so currently u have a crush with multiple people? Or some of them r past crush?

Alsooooo... u have tumblr crush?? N what do u mean with u r not sure yet? Why? (Sorry for the rows of questions. U dont have to answer it if u dont want to. Didnt meant to cross the line or anything.)

Wow, u sound like a romantic person.. that's adorable.. i would prefer small gestures like that than any jewelry money can buy.. 😊

Since i answered this too late. Im just gonna tell u, how was my day whn i got here.

I bought lunch from the chinesse place near where i used to live before we went to my in laws (we used to live like 5 minutes away driving) then i have been talking n talking with the in laws. We catched up. N we went for dinner with the brothers, nephews,his parents n his mom's husband, one of the family friend also came to see us n joined the dinner. There were 12 of us. We had pizza but i ordered spicy wings and spaghetti meatballs. Was gonna order spumoni ice cream but i forgot.😒🙄 i was craving it.

I bet u r asleep now but feel free to leave me next questions? N i will reply as soon as i can.

Cheerio!

[scardnbroken]

// Hello to all my followers. On this blog and on my other blogs as I will be reposting this to my other blogs to keep followers updated on things.

Firstly this will be long so let me cut it here and add a quick sum behind it before going full on vent mode.

In short: I have been struggling with work and today finally hit hard and my depression has hit an all new low once more so I am making this one of my final posts and I’m debating on making just one simple main blog thats all about art and what not..idk just yet.

Ok now for the vent part.

I have hit an all new low and I did see this coming but I was trying my best to manage things and prevent it from getting to this point but unfortunately other people who had to power to prevent it have done nothing but sit by and watch the train wreck or literally enable it.

So here it goes.

Starting off with things from the start. I realized last night that I no longer have any form of emotions of affection. At least not towards men. I spent time with a friend who was probably my biggest regret and he had everything that I normally would find amazing and great and be the one oogling over them but instead I found I had no attraction, no interest what so ever. I felt a little bad for him because he seemed to want to develop a relationship but I had to be honest with him and told him it was just good to be friends and chat and catch up from time to time.

Thats where I think most of this has kind of started because I realized last night that I probably don’t have a soul mate or anyone and if I did that my experience from past relationships has left such a bad taste in my mouth that I nolonger feel anything anymore.

Then there is the situation at work which I have been nothing but professional about and instead of venting I have tried to follow the proper protocols but I’ll put it this way. One girl has started her own little gang group, and yes they are like a gang, that have done nothing but bully my sister and myself. It got to the point that it started to affect my anxiety and depression and when I went to management I found that they were not interested in listening or helping me but rather happy to enable the ones that so obviously enjoy gaslighting everyone they can. 

Today though hit hard. There was a work meeting and in short everyone was told our hours would be getting cut back. I’ve already been given a drafted idea of what my next rostered shifts will be and I will literally be earning less then $1000, thats not enough to live off when we are talking about a fortnightly payment.

Things have just gotten so ridiculous there that I’ve spent hours today just pumping out resume and cover letters to any and all places just so I can make a god damn living.

Usually tumblr has been my comfort place but today when I logged on I realized thats not the case anymore. Theres no activity, theres no one interacting with me to make me feel like I should even bother coming back to roleplaying on here and not just that but...I just feel like tumblr is dead. I dont find myself looking at cute puppy dog pictures and smiling. I just look and see how dead all my blogs have gotten and I guess thats just triggered my depression a little more.

So I made the choice to write this to everyone. This month and last month I discovered myself more then I ever have in a whole entire year and I’m sure there are still things to discover but currently with how I am feeling and how things are looking for my so called ‘bright future’, I’ve realized there is no point in beating a dead horse.

Hence this post. I wanted to let whoever is still here, following these blogs still, that I am going to just disappear for as long as I possibly can. I’ve gotten more into cosplay and I’m enjoying making tiktoks a lot these days but I kind of wish I could still do something fun on tumblr but I know there is no point in that.

This post is also at its peak and its end now.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me. I wish I could be there for everyone as well but this is the end of the road for me guys. Sorry if I have let anyone down, if I have hurt people or caused drama where not needed. My time on tumblr has ended up rough but I think its time that my journey on here comes to an end. No not life wise. I’ll still be kicking butt and taking name, I just won’t be on tumblr anymore.

At least I don’t think so. There is a chance I may make just one main blog there revolves around the things I love and I’ll probably just reblog stuff or idk something. But I have yet to come to that choice. Currently anyway.

But just thank you for those that did stick around and for the friends I have made and for the bridges I have rebuilt with some amazing people I had hurt in the past.

[franeridart]

Anon said: i dont know what blue lock is but that art you just posted is making me interested lol

AHHHHH please getting people interested in it is all my life is about lately hahahaha it’s a sports manga about soccer! Kind of!! Definitely has all the good sides of sports manga, but it’s also different enough from the usual sports manga that I know people who aren’t huge sports manga fan who loved every second of it, please do give it a try if you find yourself with the time for it! It’s such a cool manga!!!

Anon said: I don't even like BNHA anymore, haven't for more than a year, but your blog still has me shipping the characters somehow. I live for your KiriBaku content (and your KamiJirou stuff, when you post it!)

Gosh, I’m glad I can make you like them still!! It’s such a compliment, honestly ;A; <3

Anon said: so i was looking through your art and stuff and was wondering "hey i wonder if theyve ever drawn voltron stuff" and tbh, i didnt expect you to have

To be fair, if you checked it means that at least a little you thought it was possible lol I haven’t watched anything past s1 of it though, so the chances of me ever picking it up again are less than zero

Anon said: You... are one of the loves of my life... and also the main reason I check tumblr everyday lol.

Anon!!! You’re gonna make me blush here!!!!! ;;;; thank you so much!

Anon said: i started reading bluelock because of u and now im obsessed soooo,,,,, thanks!❤️😭

SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!!!!!

Anon said: Hii, do you have a Spotify account? If you do, can you share it? I really like the songs u use on your arts, and I would love to see your Playlists Sorry if it's already on your FAQ, I didn't find it And sorry for my bad English ps. I LOVE YOUR KIRIBAKU ARTS THANK YOU

I don’t! I listen to all my music from youtube, because I’m that kind of person lmao happy to hear we share music tastes, though! And thank you so much!!! <3

Anon said: What's your favorite arc of ToG both story wise and art wise?

SCREAMS I don’t know!!!! I’ve been thinking about this ask since getting it I have genuinely zero clue I love all arcs so much for so many different reasons!!!!! The first that comes to mind when I think about it is the workshop battle arc, because I love Viole with everything I have and the whole arc (plus the build up to it too!!) hurts in the most wonderful way, but then I keep thinking about it and I realize there’s so many character I live for that don’t appear in it - I love the floor of death arc SO MUCH cause for one, there’s nearly all my favorite characters in it, and also because it’s such a good, dynamic arc?? everything that happens is so much fun and interesting?? also Hockney is there, and Urek is there, and Garam is there, and the Hell Train gang is all there, so!! AH and the hell train as a whole is so damn good (the dallar show???? my whole soul rests in there, Khun’s trust in Bam!! the coin flip with rachel!! Bam’s whole everything!!!!!!!! GAH) but my fav part of it has to be the hidden floor?? because!!!!!! it’s perfect from start to end, everyone in it is wonderful, Bam’s growth in it!!! GODS! My favorite scene in the whole webtoon is in the hidden floor arc, it’s how much I love it - THEN THERE’S YAMA and the whole arc there is so so SO good too, and the latest arc!! how good is the latest arc!!!!!

so yeah I can’t pick - art wise I think it goes without saying that SIU’s art has only gotten better, so the closest to the newest update you go the more I like the art.... though, my favorite Bam is still the short haired one from the Hell Train arc haha

Anon said: Oh, wow, how stupid of me. Like 2 months ago, I sent you a message telling you how much I loved your work... and I didn’t see it on your page, or anywhere else. Finally today, I discovered I had an inbox where you answered me... 🤦‍♀️... I still love your work, by the way...

AHHH yeah I always answer off-anon asks privately! And thank you so much for still liking my things!!

Anon said: Have you read the last haikyuu chapter? How did you feel about it?

I’ve reread it at least twenty times and then I went and reread the whole of the last game again and it’s been three weeks and I’m still thinking about it more or less constantly and feeling giddy happy about everything that manga has ended up being, genuinely one of the best manga I’ve ever had the pleasure of following till the very end - that’s how I feel about it <3

Anon said: I really like looking at your art it’s so therapeutic it’s wonderful please keep drawing I want to support you on Kofi and patreon and yet I am broke please just know I love u very much ok bye

Ahhhh it’s okay anon! I try to keep as little completely unavailable for my followers as I can, and I’ll do my best to keep drawing! Can’t promise the fandoms will always be stuff you care about though haha

Anon said: This is my FAVORITE art blog. Is blog even a word that ppl use anymore?? Idk but anyways your kiribaku gives me life and cures my depression so ily and thank u

I’m so so happy to hear that! Thank you so much!!! TTATT <3

Anon said: just now realizing your oc looks like the human version of kamakiri

To be fair the only thing they have in common is the green mohawk, but I get where you’re coming from! I was very happy when Kamakiri’s official colors came out exactly cause he makes me think about my boy, after all xD my love for Kamakiri is definitely biased, in that sense haha

Anon said: Just wanted to let u know im very gay for ur oc giulia that is all thanks

Anon I’m gonna cry I’m so glad you like her!!!!!!!!!! She’s one of my oldest OCs out of that group, it’s always so thrilling to know people like her ;A; <3

Anon said: I really like how you draw kirishima’s hair

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! I have a lot of fun with it, though it does mean it ends up being kinda off canon more often than not haha

Anon said: hi! just a random question but how’d you come up with your name?

Fran is my name! Erid comes from Eridan from homestuck! Art is what I try to do! And that’s the incredibly interesting story behind my screen name haha

Anon said: Heya, so i sent the ask about the person who i suspect either heavily referenced or traced your art (i sent another ask about this tho im not sure if it went through) anyway, it was posted by ****************** you'll know it when you see it i think

Ahhhhhh sorry for how long this took me to answer, I went to check and it’s!!! fine, I mean, would have preferred if they had credited but I don’t think it was completely traced so I don’t mind too much, I used to copy art of people I liked too back when I was first starting, after all haha

[oonajaeadira]

Adira,

When typing on my phone a common typo happens whenever typing your name, my thumb hits 'o' instead of 'i'.  I do it often enough my phone thinks it's a word... and I don't know how many times I said I should just keep it, it cuz it's true.

I can be pretty shy... I dont know how any times I type out a comment or message and then hit back, back, back until it's gone. For all kinds of people, not just intimidatingly popular and talented people I don't know, people I feel close to as well. I think, well nah, don't want to be annoying or just... I don't know- be static.

So I am kind of wondering what on earth gave me the push to DM you after finishing chapter 4 of Losing My Religion that early morning...Haha then I peppered your DMs with play by plays of my reactions to LMR updates... ooops.. even though you told me you liked them, I still kind of feared I was annoying you.

But I am SO glad I did. (Not annoy you...sigh, anyway) I can't even imagine this whole Tumblr thing without you (as you said more beautifully than I ever could, the trees of our hearts grow such similar leaves)... and if any of our chats or my recaps helped you stick with LMR and/or branch out to other characters, when we were just wee baby tumblrfolk, and everyone seemed wanted one very specific type of Mando fic... well, I'm thinking of sending myself a fruit basket!

I am truly in awe of your talent, you make any idea, prompt and request better, you create such beauty with your words and you are so wonderfully protective of your stories and characters integrity. You make it seem so easy (though I know you work very hard and have your own insecurities). I've never seen you act, but I've heard you and yes, I stand by what I said, Ezra would want to listen to your beautiful voice reading or reciting stories and poetry. (Speaking of that, I do plan to continue with the LMR recordings)

And you coming out Salem-way and getting to hug you irl was truly a highlight of the year for me as well. It was so generous and loving of you! This is the hallmark of your personality. Generous and loving.

Kindred, sister, friend, I love you dearly! Thank you for being my friend (now I have to stop because I'm getting a teary)

I Adora!

I think I read this three times through before I was able to move. And that seems weird, because you're Hazel, my Kindred, my longest pal in the Tumblrtown now IRL friend and yet I am floored like a starstruck teenager because the kindest person on Tumblr likes me.

When you came into my DMs I was shocked that anyone around here would want to talk to me, much less about my fic. And you were so so generous in your praise for LMR and, what's more, told me why you liked it and that you could see yourself in Little Bird. And that's what helped me keep at it. That I wasn't just writing a little adventure for myself to live, that someone else could have that adventure too.

You were so supportive, so funny and warm and kind, up with me at weird hours of the night...

I saw that you were often afraid of bothering and all I could tell you was the first truth which was "of course never, how could hearing such wonderful things from someone about your fic be a bother? How could kind words ever be unwelcome from someone so wonderful?" But if you ever felt you were being a bother, that is on me... I may have been shy and quiet because I could not tell you the other truth which was, "I'm sorry if I don't gush thanks right back at you, but I really can't believe someone came to my corner to talk to me and I just don't want to scare you away!"

But you took my hand and did not let go and I will always love you for it.

Then you came out of your shell and began being so very supportive of so many fandom writers with your big, beautiful heart. THEN! You started finding your own voice and writing. BRINGING GROGU TO LIFE and all the adventures at Juniper Cottage... And your Frankie.... You're the one that got me to watch Triple Frontier because I could tell you felt so strongly about him and I wanted to know more. That started me on a road of wanting to watch more of his stuff and know more of his characters. And, of course, the instigation. There would be no Bookshop without your gentle carrot dangling. And Bookshop became my heart. You pulled me gently out of my corner and into this fandom and made me feel loved and appreciated.

But meeting you in Salem, oh lady. First of all can I just say it's always been a dream of mine to be greeted at an airport by someone holding a sign with my name on it and that kind of just shook me. I know it's a dumb dream, but it's mine and you made it happen lol. And then the warmest, squeeziest hug...that was just the beginning of a lovely couple of days. I don't think there's anything more beautiful than meeting someone "for the first time" and feeling like you've known each other for ages. You made me feel welcome and adored and I had so so so much fun.

My girl. My Kindred. My Tumblr fam. Your bright soul shines here. Don't you dare erase your messages and take your sunshine away. You are one of the warmest lights here. We love to see you. I love to have you here. <3

[scarecoen]

Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

[potentially-lemongrass]

hey! um i wanted to ask a bi queerstake member whose dated about this, um I want to marry in the temple and I know that means I'll have to marry a AMAB person, is it bad that I want a nb/nb aligned masc person or at least a bisexual or asexual partner? i feel like i wont find someone like that, I just want someone who understands and is also queer but also fits kind of with the church narrative. is that weird? you dont have to answer this I just wanted to ask since no one talks about it i guess

honestly my perspective on dating has changed a lot since meeting B so I might say something completely different to what I was saying in previous months. (and of course, as always, this is just Ryn’s Opinion TM so take what you will). Also, looong post incoming as this is also a bit of a life update/journal entry since it’s been a while. I’m using B to respect his privacy and as always, I know that i’m super personal on here but please don’t try to doxx me or find out more than I’m willing to share <3 I’m slightly paranoid so I feel like I always need to say that. 

ANYWAY, I am still decidedly bisexual ✌ and so I’ll fight against bi erasure all day long since I’m a cis woman dating a cishet man. I will never be a straight woman and B totally understands and respects that. However, it also doesn’t exactly matter?? since I’ve chosen him so I’m not dating any men OR women.

Before meeting him, I was thinking about dating in the abstract especially since I really never had a serious relationship with anyone. I was fantasizing about dating girls and feeling deeply cheated that the Church was robbing me of that opportunity. I was angry, deeply depressed, and just generally not in a good mental place.

Coming to college was when I decided I wasn’t mentally going to “do” Church anymore. I skipped a few Sundays, and still signed up for Institute but I was angry and very determined to distance myself from the Church. I had to know if I even wanted to do this with my life and part of my master plan was getting a girlfriend. (although with the caveat that dating a girl, *just* to date a girl and not a guy, isn’t the best plan and I should have been more focused on romance)

I didn’t expect to meet B and when I did, I was deeply worried about getting a man who was “Peter Priesthood” and I would never be able to share my queer identity with him. B isn’t at all like that. He spent enough time around the queer kids in high school to really get a feel for the struggle and he’s never ever made me feel weird about it. He’s even encouraged and asked me to talk about it so I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything.

I came to two conclusions (well, maybe two and a half). 1) I’m definitely bisexual. Over the summer, I had briefly wondered if I was a lesbian and comp het was just taking its toll. Nope. Men are hot and my bf is absolutely a snack. So if anyone is looking for advice about figuring out sexuality, just try dating someone. I totally believe that you can know your sexuality without experience but it most definitely helps if you know what you’re talking about.

2) I missed church. I hadn’t realized it until I walked away but I truly do have a testimony and I longed for the presence of the Spirit in my life. So I chose to turn back. I read my scriptures and prayed sincerely and listened at church. No, I’m not entirely happy with the Church. There are things that make me cry and cringe and grit my teeth, but I have decided that I want to be here.

Part of that realization was B. My friend asked me if I could see myself getting married in the temple and I realized suddenly that I could. Suddenly it wasn’t a faceless man dragging me into a suburban life of mommy minivans and LDS conformity. It was the thought of B and I, holding hands and promising each other forever in the most eternal sense and it was me, making covenants with Heavenly Father. He and I both know that I’ve always had real joy in my life when I was doing my best to keep His commandments.

What I really needed was to accept my queer identity and feel like I could date girls if I wanted to. Finding B and finding my testimony were linked, as wild it is to say.

Not to say that that road would be easy. I’m not even close to being ready for marriage. B and I are figuring things out, both between us and with the Church. If faith was neat and simple, it wouldn’t be such an enduring theme throughout all of history.

 But maybe sometime in the next 5 years? Maybe in 2-3 years? I might be Mrs. Lemongrass. (pffft yes we’ll assume we’re taking my tumblr url as a last name lmao)

SO now you’re wondering about how that applies to your actual question. There will definitely be people in the Church who match what you’re looking for. My philosophy is that there really is someone out there for everyone. You’re trying to forecast for the future which is great and necessary but love doesn’t happen in the abstract. A Relationship TM isn’t some nebulous concept or a copy and paste letter. It’s what happens when you and a specific other person like each other a whole lot and it goes from there. Your relationship won’t look like mine or your parents or anyone else’s because you and your future partner are unique people.

So you totally may find someone in the Church who is queer and down for a temple marriage. Keep in mind as well that you may also find someone in the Church who is cishet and that works too. Just because someone isn’t queer doesn’t mean they can’t understand--assuming no one will ever understand you has always felt arrogant and dismissive of the power of empathy imho--so a cishet guy could be just as amazing.

So there’s no need to feel bad about wanting a specific type of person but don’t close yourself off! Enjoy the journey and put yourself out there with confidence. No one is good at relationships; they’re inherently awkward. You’ll say dumb stuff or fart in front of them or they’ll overshare and you’ll panic. Just trust the process, laugh at yourself, and realize the only thing you can really do is live in *this* moment. I hope this doesn’t sound condescending at all! This is just all my big sister advice that I can think of. Remember that you are loved, always, always, always by our Heavenly Parents and They’ll help you figure stuff out.