#listen i just wanna know how they went
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Yeah, I love them your honor
#aila jyrkiäinen#arian von reiji asuna#reiji x aila#gundam build fighters#gundam#listen i just wanna know how they went#from dense boy x tsundere girl to having kids at 22#pls#otp#i luv them so much
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SAVANACLAW ROOK HUNT HELLO????
WHAT’S HE DOING HERE
WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT
LIKE WHY IS HE SOOOO
UHHHHHH
VIL WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM????
HOWD HE GO FROM THAT TO DORA THE EXPLORER
#listen i’m not a rook fan at all but DAMN#and to be fr i'd wanna see more of how he went from savanaclaw to pomefiore#also the FUCK is going on over there in jp#they decided that hey lets release clubwear leona and chef azul/ortho today and then land everyone with a bigger blow the next day#well at least they finally have the rest of the tsums 🤧#i totally manifested it last month (i didnt)#jamil is an r card which is tragic 😔#still looking forward to what the card is going to look like though#[—✦ rambling#-✧ bawling#twst jp spoilers#twst jp#rook hunt#-✦—]#also i wish the book 7 update means they’ll be finally going into the other guys’ dreams#SO THEN WITH THIS ROOK CARD DOES THAT MEAN WE'LL GET SOMETHING SIMILAR WITH THE OTHER GUYS????#IM JUST GOING FERAL THINKING ABOUT THIS#IT’S THE SCARABIA DUO AND HEARTSLABYUL GANG IM MOST INTERESTED IN#I NEEEED TO KNOW#ALSO EN IT’S YOUR TURN I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IM EXPECTING NEXT MONTH
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TUVOKTOBER Day 2: Lunch Break [Interrupted]
#tuvoktober#bea art tag#1000% directly inspired by that post about how Tuvok should eat tupperwear salad like a teacher#It's so true!! He literally WAS a teacher !!!#he's listening to monks chanting - his favorite music bc he's a gd freak#It's SO his favorite that Neelix knows about it. I really wanna know how he knows.#Probably 'he just asked him' but funnier: They went on an away mission and he had monk chanting playing the whole time#Neelix: (internal) This is fucking hell on earth (positive spin) At least I know his favorite music!#Everyone whose been in an older relative's car as they blast choir music (the car is always SO hot) understands#it's torture but also it's kind of comforting??? it always makes me want to got to sleep#Tuvok seems like he eats salad without dressing (maybe a light drizzle of like lemon or vinegar on top) and looks down on people#who do otherwise <3 annooooying <3#Janeway: (early in their knowing each other) Can I join you~? I'm also having a salad!#<- did this specifically to try & bond with him#Tuvok: -gazes pointedly at how much dressing she put on it- I could hardly tell.
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I'm probably not the first to admit this but goddamn was I a narcissistic prick when I wasn't on stimulants
#adhd#not art#like this only thing I could think about was how understimulated I was#every person was boring because I was in such a severe and chronic state of dopamine deficiency#so I wasn't interested or curious about ANYONE and nobody could 'satiate me' and I deemed everyone boring because of it#then the first week on my meds & I went to visit my neighbor#& I was like 'omg your granddaughter came to visit this weekend? how was she? :)'#and then after I went home and I was like wow she's so sweet and her life seems so interesting I cant wait to talk more about it#and then it hit me I had known her for YEARS and it wasn't until now that I.. cared :(#made me feel really bad but also glad that I actually have the capacity to care and it wasn't just my personality#I had to do a lot of damage control :T but some bridges were burned and I gotta live with that#now I can proudly proclaim that no im not a narcissist bc I think people are interesting and I wanna hear them talk#i can just sit and listen and internalizing their perspective ..#for once I like people and I'm not a victim in some imaginary fight for mediocrity with everyone else#it never excited and im happy to feel that way#also whenever I speak with unmedicated adhders I just look at them like wow you don't even know how much your brain is making itself suffer#every adhder may not want to or can take meds and that's fine but everyone at least deserves to know what it feels when they work
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I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...
Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?
Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."
It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:
B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.
OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.
Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.
Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.
Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...
And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.
I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)
Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"
Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."
"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"
*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*
#rambling#transformers one#tf one#tfo#i'll be honest a lot of this stems from how rushed i felt the last like... 3rd of the movie feels#i feel Optimus is so dismissive of Megs!! like basically the whole movie but ESPECIALLY after coming back to life as a Prime???#your best friend is Going Through It. clearing having an Emotional Breakdown.#He drops you. In the moment it mattered most he chose violence... but notice what he says right before that?#Megs says ''I'm done saving you''#Like??? y'all don't wanna delve into that a little more?????#i half expected Optimus to pop up and be like ''excuse me. i wasn't done talking. what Did You Mean By That??''#instead he comes up and IMMEDIATELY has already written off this entire relationship as well.#Megs dropped him. it was a aplit second decision. we see in the movie D leaning into these bad impulses.#Orion is supposed to mature gradually so he's more level-headed by the end. why does that equate to abandoning the friendship??#why does he suddenly wanna drop Megs too? wouldn't this be the time for ''please listen to me'' part 2?#''it doesn't matter who has the matrix. we can make a change for the better! please listen to me'' etc#also minor nitpick but lmao why was OP Talking Like That after becoming Prime?#like he goes from ''haha hey guys hows it goin'' to ''You have used your gifts for Evil and Betrayed the entire planet''#babes what. Cybertron?? we went on a 2 day road trip on foot the fuck you know about Cybertron.#like betrayed Iacon maybe but idk maybe the guys in Tarn would be cool with Megs you dont know! lmao!#if my friend and I had beef and they started talking to me like the queen of england i would literally ask where they got their soapbox.#ohhhh you think you're morally superior? stop speaking for the whole planet lmao!! already named prime and letting it go to his head!!#strange dieties lying in the core of the planet distributing magic baubles that bring you back to life#is no basis for picking a planetary leader#this has been Orion Was Right: The Movie#when i wish there was a bit more.#maybe another 20-30 min would have helped me idk hhhhh#but Megs turn felt sooooo fast... then things just kept escalating from there.#''some transformations are permanent'' sir it's been like 48 hours since y'all learned you lives were a lie.#you *really* don't think Megs could ever cool down and apologize/change his mind?? you too??? tf???
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So, in your last post about the Percy Jackson TV show, I felt you lacked a few pieces of information/points. While it is true that the CGI in the film is pore and not constructed well, please note that while they have a large budget Disney has made a lot of restrictions to the show. In the original scrips there was a significantly larger amount of violence that would have needed more CGI. This was latter edited out of the script due to both restrictions and budget cuts for other parts in the show(sadly). Also to bring into prospective Sea of monsters the movie was made 10 years ago. Inflation has juristically affected the way money is used in films. Another thing to note is typically movie budgets are less than TV shows because they only are filming for one larger block of time. TV however they can take years meaning the acters need to be paid even for the time off set. This is not to say movies cannot take years, but it is to show that TV shows are filmed longer. I would also like to say I am genuinely not trying to be rude or unkind about your opinion and thoughts on the subject. I am just someone who has a different insight into the topic because of the things I know about the topic (I myself, am an actor and for the most part I think this is why the CGI was not the best as well as some of the script work).
I did actually calculate inflation for Sea of Monsters versus the PJO TV show. We know the PJO TV show allegedly had a budget of $12-15 million per episode. For comparison, this is the type of budget Disney+ usually uses for stuff like The Mandalorian. I was doing a generous underestimate for the entire season which comes out to $96mil (12mil per episode x 8 episodes). Sea of Monsters' budget was 90mil. Here's that inflation:
So lil over $120mil. Going for a top estimate for s1 of the show (15x8) that's $120mil. And as far as I'd heard that may also not include stuff like budget for casting for the show. They are still roughly in similar ballparks.
Regardless of this - as an animator, i can tell you there is no excuse for that wonky CGI trident other than it being extremely quickly done. That's literally a transform error, like ctrl+t type stuff. That is a lazy and cheap trident, probably because Disney notoriously overworks and cheaps out with their CGI. The CGI problems in the show are majority because Disney's being cheap about it. This shows in nearly all the CGI in every episode.
If they had to remove violence from the script and so remove CGI scenes with it, then theoretically they should have more room in the budget for more or better CGI where it already is in the show. That money doesn't just vanish. Changing that in the script gives them less of an excuse, actually.
Also, as i mentioned in my previous post - if you don't want to CGI hydrokinesis, don't pick the franchise where the main character's defining power is hydrokinesis. If you can't have much violence, DON'T PICK THE GREEK MYTHOLOGY SERIES WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER BEHEADS TWO PEOPLE IN THE FIRST BOOK AND IT ONLY GETS BLOODIER FROM THERE. You cannot have PJO without some level of violence. It's kind of very inherent to the series. Rick actually talks in his original Teaching Guide for The Lightning Thief about how, in argument against attempts to ban TLT (in this specific instance for "being too violent"), that monsters in the books poof into golden dust for a reason, because then they haven't "died." There is no blood. They can and will come back. Because it's fantasy. That is the excuse for all the violence. Of which there otherwise technically is a lot of.
If you are doing live action PJO you are going to have to have some amount of violence (and there is absolutely a level that is perfectly suitable for a PG13 audience. The show right now is leagues below that level. PG13 just means parental guidance for under 13 - this majority has to do with concerns about children under 13 replicating behavior on-screen. Past 13 kids know better than to do that, which is why that rating is a thing. There are plenty of film/media/etc that are way more gory and violent and are still PG13). You are going to have to CGI monsters/creatures to some degree regularly (alongside demigod powers like Percy's hydrokinesis even more regularly). And between those two things, characters are going to have to look like they're physically interacting with the CGI at times. Disney is capable of doing this. Disney does have the budget for this for the show. They're not doing it because they're being cheap. Disney has done this before and does it regularly. This is not anything new. It entirely has to do with CGI not having as many unions. They have no excuses. If they didn't expect to run into these problems then they clearly did no planning for what adapting the series would entail and didn't think at all of what the series actually featured before diving into it. And they have no excuse for that! That is step one!
#pjo#riordanverse#pjo tv crit#ask#Anonymous#long post //#listen if a disney exec wants to pull out the LITERAL RECEIPTS and prove me wrong. show me the EXACT pjo tv budget and how they spent it#be my guest! show me! i *want* to see it! i wanna know where all that money went. im interested in that kind of boring stuff.#like cmon having LMM cant have drained the budget that much alone#so either something is up and/or it is HORRIBLY mismanaged behind the scenes. which they have no excuse for.#they have the means to have it NOT be horribly mismanaged#and trust me i am actually familiar with what goes on behind the scenes at Disney. I know how the sausage gets made and etc#like i dont personally work there but i *am* familiar on a personal level with it. this isnt just a I Watched A Documentary#like i have been personally toured around the studios and studio lots and told about all this type of stuff in different departments#ive taken classes from active and former disney employees as well before. i know more about disney than i prob should lmao#i know these things and disney does not have an excuse for what theyre doing here. it's just kind of sad and lackluster.#really though if anybody wants to show me an itemized list of the pjotv finances i will happily take it#disney? disney? pspspsp? i just wanna look
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Here is a badly drawn comic of my terrible, awkward group project experience from yesterday. I thought it was very absurd so I wanted to share it other people lol :)
Let me know, how do you find their conduct 😭
#i tried to small talk#and they werent rly listening and were like i just wanna get this done w so i can eat#yet talked to me abt smth random after#but the moving the laptop is what made me draw this 😭#like is that not absurd????#i dont wanna rewatch the video#but i wanna see what the camera frame looked like#bcs from what i saw my drawing is p accurate#but yeah they also talked for the majority of the time#even tho i did more research bcs they took up most of the slides#AND ALSO TOOK MY IDEAS#im like uhhhh im p sure [insert slide topic] is required!!!#and i went to go start writing it#and theyre like oh okay ill do that slide#and even tho i kept reminding them of the slide requirement#they kept being like ugh i cant think of anything#and then would take my ideas when i proposed them#like the conclusion part was to write a proposal abt what solution can be made for the current event topic#AND i took notes the night before and wrote down the idea for the solution#and i told them and theyre like oh yeah thats okay and started writing those slides#i know i should be more assertive but im so conflict avoidant and was kinda like oh. okay. ah.#lmao i hope this doesnt make me come off as someone victimizing themselves#im just annoyed 😭😭#and also this person was on my abroad trip and we all hated them#but i felt bad abt how much we hated them and theyre(I THOUGHT) much more chill in a classroom setting#so i kinda softened my hate for them and theyre the only person i know in my class rly#so im like ahhhh we should work together!#and now i remember why i dislike them 😭😭#catie.rambling.txt#catie.art.
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Hanif Abdurraqib, it’s not like nikola tesla knew all of those people were going to die | Anne Carson, H of H Playbook | Richard Siken, Snow and Dirty Rain | Franz Wright, Heaven | Toby Whithouse, shooting script for Being Human S1E1 | Franz Wright, Heaven | Erin Slaughter, I Hope My Salt Lamp is a Weeping Deity | Richard Siken, Straw House, Straw Dog & My Country: The New Age, Episode 16
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#my country: the new age#nam seon-ho#seo hwi#listen guys (gn). the worms have been festering the dots have been connected the illness contracted etc!! this is an exorcism attempt#bro what if we had both been suicidal for years bc we just wanted everything to be over but we repeatedly saved each others lives#even when we were enemies bc even when we were fighting for different visions of this country we were still *each others* countries#and what if in the end we realized we were never meant to be apart in the first place and gave each other permission to finally let go#but gave our deaths meaning by sacrificing our lives so that everyone else could live in a country of peace !!!!#basically what if we went from best friends to enemies to allies to enemies to soulmates and died in each others arms and we were both boys#their dynamic is so. i wanna eat so much dirt i tunnel right through the earth and end up in argentina.#god. GOD. im like 5 years late but is anyone out there still insane like me in pain like me etc hmu#wait maybe i should put some warnings on this bitch uhhh hold on#blood cw#death tw#suicidal ideation cw#<- just in case bc idk how else to tag for the uhhh extremely normal mindset of both of them#i hope thats it? if i missed sth let me know! also if u read this far u'll get to see the business tags i forgot at the top lol#cavetext#mctna#nam seon ho#poetry#seonhwi#caveweb#also u would not Believe the fucking sleuthing i went through to find the source poem for that erin slaughter quote jfc#thats what i get for keeping incomplete notes ig :/#also ive found the franz wright poem as both 'heaven' and 'the heaven' so ?? who knows
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istg fnaf music either makes me super happy or extremely sad
there is 0 in between wtf
#most sister location music makes heart happi but heaven forbid i listen to break the cycle or don't forget (both tryhardninja)without crying#there's a lot more that just brings out a *bad* reaction from me but still wtf I wanna listen to music#even worse when I just hit shuffle on my big ass fnaf music playlist when my irl friend is here (who doesn't know I'm fictionkin)-#like nope can't cry rn even if this is making me remember all the things that went wrong and how I died and all the fucked up things I went#through- nope can't cry just focus on playing mario#like wtf let me listen to music brain :<#heaven doesn't want me and hell fears me
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New challenge just dropped:
If you're going to make a post about someone who isn't you's political views, PLEASE link a source or explain why you believe that.
And if you don't do that, don't turn off replies for the love of god.
I've seen THREE of those types of posts calling celebrities Isreal supporters with zero evidence provided except their religion. And sure, you can suspect that someone might be a zionist based on that, but you cannot claim it factually unless you have evidence ready to point to.
I know PLENTY of Christians who do not support Isreal and support Palestine. You cannot point at someone, say "they're far right" and then call them a zionist with no other evidence. Unless that person has done something that supports Israel, directly or indirectly, then it's pure speculation, you are spreading potentially harmful rumors, and I don't want to keep getting blocked by people simply because I asked to see where they were getting this info from.
And, once again, when asked what your source is, if your first response is to get angry instead of finding a fucking link that proves your point, then I don't wanna hear it. You can speculate. You can be wary. In fact, you SHOULD be. But don't just say "X person is a zionist btw" and then hit post. If a person I at least somewhat look up to is, in fact, a zionist, I want to learn more. Direct me there so I can actually reblog your post, eh?
#dimond speaks#anyway. apparently Neil Gaiman is next on the chopping block.#source? *non-committal shrug*#I have also seen this for AOC and Scott Cawthon#and every time i asked for a source i got fucking yelled at for it#listen if Scott turns out to be a zionist i won't be surprised. i just wanna fact check you before i spread rumors.#i feel that is a neutral if not MORALLY GOOD thing to do right?#i couldn't even ask about neil because the replies had been turned off#and the entire comment section that WAS there was talking about how stupid the post was#but the reblogs all openly support the post and i can't tell if it's blindly or if people know something i don't.#gimme a source and i'll reblog your post okay. that's all you have to do.#and also don't wish death threats on people who support the person the post is about#because LITERALLY most people dont know wtf youre talking about. i don't and i went LOOKING#we don't know everything all the time. if you're gonna make a post informing people then you have to INFORM PEOPLE. give a link.#k i'll shut up now thanks
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for such a supposedly major fan of the national I sure mishear a lot of their lyrics 💀
#i thought sea of love started 'when you say you love me jump/how am i supposed to know'#but its not jump its joe. who tf is joe idc the lyric doesnt work as well when hes in it#also later on theres a repeated bit that i thought goes 'angel sorry i hurt you but they say love is a virtue dont they'#which makes SENSE bc angel virtue etc. but its not angel hes saying 'hey joe' THIS GUY AGAIN????? GET OUT UR RUINING IT FOR ME 👉#i know what the correct lyrics are in my heart. even if the band themselves dont <3#also in anyones ghost i thought he says 'i dont worry abt u' but its not its 'i dont want anybody else' STOP MUMBLINGGG#that one does make more sense tho matt berninger loves to sing abt how bad he wants whoever he just broke up with#every album has at least one track with a line like that#listening to a lot of anyones ghost lately....#me when i have a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it told my friends not to worry....... been there girl#YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART IT WAS!! YOU SAID IT SHOULD TEAR A KID APART IT DOES!! DIDNT WANNA BE YOUR GHOST!!#i havent listened to much of the national the past 2 weeks thats how u know i was Truly in mental anguish#now im back on listening to an album of theirs every morning i feel like myself again 😚#anywayyy.. sitting outside work in the sun enjoying my last fresh air for the next 8 hours.... they dont even let me out at lunch 😔#happy friday everyone we'll get thru today 💪💪💪💪#.diaries
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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its not serious Ur not serious ab it An ur motives r stupid n hold no real life value
#been feelin sorta stupid lately#havent been sleeping well#feel empty . wanna try sm new . not motivated#cant create how i wanna . cant create what i have to . feels stale#think i mighr prove myself as an idiot before ever getting anyones faith in me in the first place#think i might just be a really smart idiot#jus bcuz i have big boy thoughts doesnt mwan im smart . maybe it just means everyone else is stupid for listening#i like feeling smart but i think im overselling myself#managed to fool myself too#m scatterbrained#m not nearly as bad as i was#im fine now . just stagnant#cant get anything done . not that i could then either#i dont even remember what it was like then#probably for the best#idealizing something i cant recall . i dont even have evidence of the worst of it#dont even know what went wrong to be honest#never got told directly . i never get told directly#always have to guess or find out some other offhand way#complaining about too much rn#mm#dont know whay my problem is#n no one else can figure it out for me#well maybe someone can#takes a while#and a lotta effort#gggghhhh#ok#m done
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So
I got my old MovieStar Planet account up and running again
And I was looking the art books and
…… 2019 me, we gotta talk……
Edit: I think in the art book I meant “what is Electric Century”
#if you wanna know what happened next(buckle up it gets cringier)#I never did look them up but I found their instagram account(rad) cuz some accounts I followed follow them#and then I saw that Mikey also follows them and I was like aww sick that’s so cool#(this is back in like 2019 btw self titled wasn’t out yet)#and also like ig little to no info(but then again we will how stupid I was back then#so I scroll through their posts and I come across one( I think it was promoting Collapser) and went huh the guy in the photo#really looks like Mikey Way(girl you should’ve realized right there) and I saw he was tagged in the post and all the comments were mainly#like MCr fan accounts that I follow cheering him on and stuff#and it took another FIVE MINUTES TO FIGURE IT OUT#(the reason I made that was bc I was listening to Hestaint Alien and I looked on the recommendations and Electric Century was there I was so#confused cuz the rest were just MCR(mainly Frank’s) solo projects(yep I’m an idiot)#so FEEL FREE TO CALL ME AN IDIOT IN DA CHAT LOL
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Starting ffxv, watching the intro sequence: this is gonna be so fun, I can't wait to go on a fun road trip with my new friends! I love this song cover and it's really funny with it playing over them bitching and pushing the car. I've never played a final fantasy game before, so I don't know what to expect, but everything looks so cool and fun!
60 hours later, watching the end credits:
#Cruddy rambles#ffxv#sorry for the ffxv tag but I wanna be able to find this post again it's making me laugh really hard lmao#I made a playlist full of songs that make me feel empty in my chest so I can cry and... the Pain.#As someone who refused to leave for Altissia until I was ready to beat the rest of the game and then did so in one night...#I just crawled into bed and ugly cried#That was 4 years ago and I will genuinely never forget that 'day'#It *broke* me#I also have some Transistor songs on here too. Idk her voice just breaks my heart... Paper Boats my beloved... Still salty Hades is what#Got popular when Transistor is RIGHT THERE#Fuck you guys Red deserved better 😤#Also going back to ffxv. I still tear up when somnus plays. I'm such a baby bc i have a mod to change the title screen back to somnus. So#You can imagine how it goes. every time I boot the game frantically clicking thru the menus while I tear up at the first few piano notes#Songs that make me feel empty in my chest indeed...#I am listening to it rn. I'm not okay lol#I've always wanted to learn Latin but especially bc of this games music. Yoko Shimomira went OFF#I want to know... But at the same time... I'm a little bitch. I can guess what it's saying and I'll cry just over that#Also I have a skyrim song on here. Just to point out how easily I cry#Because I played this game on ps3 in 2011 in middle school and I get nostalgic over it#And it makes me want to cry because I miss it#Same with Never More from P4. Is it inherently a sad song? Not... Really. But the memories... Knowing you'll never get to go back...#Waaaaaah-
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:(
#the sky speaks#vent time!!#tw suicidal ideation#i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier#but shes trying so hard and in so much pain#but shes so TIRING to be around !!!!#she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore#shes getting a dui i guess?#and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled#ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over#full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely#she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said#i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour#and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her?#i hugged her for so long when we finally got home#but im just so tired of loving her#shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again.#i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas#and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here.#if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!!#im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17#im just so tired
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