#listen I like to head canon that my queen is very artistic she just wasn’t allowed to pursue it

[letstrywritingmaybe]

Me waiting for someone to post the merch (?) thing of CoAi in their artist/painter fits cause I have so many feelings about this! My queen serves and he’s a mess but his little smile is actually kinda cute. I’m a reblogger cause this is how tumblr works man, I don’t make posts unless I’m rambling or writing or inserting myself. But yeah I love them and I want this verse now please! <3

[just2bubbly]

Sometimes Love Stays

Masterlist

TLC Ship Week 2021!

*written for tlcshipweek2021- kaider for the prompt 'In another life'

@kaiderforever

Summary

"Hmm.."

"Do you?"

"Wish you happiness? Yeah, Kai, I do- with all my heart."

"I wish you were happiness!"

Sometimes love becomes stronger overcoming the obstacles thrown along your path, but when the obstacles never end and you become tired enough to want to stop, will 'Love' help overcome the new problem or would it be succumbed to obstacle?

When their future doesn't play out as they want to, will they dare to take a chance or lose everything without trying?

Reading an article, Cinder is thrown back into the past, trying to figure out if the choices she made were right.

A look at Kai and Cinder's relationship through newspaper article fragments.

--

Ship: Kaider

Words: 3.2k

Genre: Angst

Prompt: 'In Another Life'

Note: A Canon Divergence AU from Winter- major character/ relationship reflection. Bold contexts are newspaper articles!

Cinder's Perspective:

"Sometimes love stays."

The article read and Cinder could not bring it upon herself to understand the implications of those three words. She considered it was the most preposterous sentence to start a piece of news informing about a break-up. Her mind could only fathom that a hopeless romantic had written this article, one who most certainly believed in unrequited love and stuff- That she could be sure from the very first line. "Many times love seems to not reside in a relationship as the lovers struggle to continue to live together after years of togetherness, but this does not appear to be the case in the infamous royal courtship that lasted for over 10 years but was suddenly called off 2 years ago- Yes, we are talking about no one but The Emperor of Eastern Commonwealth and The Queen of Luna- " Cinder seemed to convince herself that she was only reading it because it was the most trending news on Earth. Yet it was no new news to her or even anyone on Earth and the saint forsaken rock Luna as well. The article had become famous only for its illustrating language and artistic words that seemed to give the entire ordeal a new look. Hence, after having ignored, overlooked and unseen the article, its rumours and the stink eye that her aristocrats sent along her way. She finally decided to read it and fucking get over it- just like she got over him. It was fucking simple until it was not. "The infamous break-up of The Emperor of EC and the Queen of Luna happens to be no news to us. It has been two years since the two royals called off their relationship in the name of diplomatic and personal reasons. However, it appears that the years apart have done no good to their awkward and unresolved heartfelt tension." She wondered which newbie journalist had decided to write about this- about them, the two lovers madly in love with each other, stubborn enough to put others above themselves and naive enough to let it all go. She could feel her body going stiff as she tried to muster up the courage to continue reading. Her mind going numb just like it always did when thoughts of Kai resurfaced. The memories and the murmurs, their banters, his adoration all seemed to drown her with misery- one where she could not shed a single tear but only carry the overwhelming weight of the past of what they had- of what they had lost. It had been good- going at first with the frequent comms in their free time, flying kisses from literally two different worlds, exchanging gifts thanks to the Rampion, jumping at the first chance to meet each other. They were happy and yet they were not. With near to 10 years into being the Queen of Luna, she had thought that maybe she had given her bit to the moon, and now she could step down from her role and convert Luna into a republican state. She had planned her future, their future, the future of thousands of people and had acted accordingly to liberate Luna from the clutches of a single person, forgetting about what the people would have to say about it? Apparently, Lunars loved royalty more than equal representation! Consequently, when she had put the matters of 'abolition of monarchy' to vote she had been made a fool in her own court with the outcome - her vote against all of them. When she had demanded an explanation out of Iko for such a bizarre scenario. She had acknowledged, "They seem to like you as their Queen. It is clear they don't want you to step down!?" "But what about equal representation?" "Cinder you are already giving it to them!" "And what about the aristocrats- Don't they want more say in the administration?" "They do want it but not with the responsibility. Thus they have started preaching about royalty and stuff..." she trailed. Dumbstruck, she had thought how can one gift someone freedom when they don't want it? That's where things started looking down. This made all her plans go downhill. Because hadn't she planned that she would step down, abolish the monarchy and turn it into a Republican government? Hadn't she decided she would be free to live her own life on Earth?

Hadn't she wondered how she would travel with Thorne on Rampion- be truly free for once in her life before having to settle down? Before having to go to New Beijing.

Hadn't they planned that they would stay together- and with every passing day weren't they coming near to achieving their intention to constantly stay together and make up for all the physical affection they had been deprived of over the years? Wasn't it what their future was going to be off? With this new hurdle, plans had to be changed and when she had mentioned this to Kai, he was grief-stricken. Even then, they came up with alternatives, for at that time it was clear- they wanted to spend the rest of their together. They had discussed spending their time between Earth and Luna, tackling the barriers of distance and royalty. It's not like they did not try, it's just that every time they strived harder to stay together- fate made it impossible to. A year later, the realization dawned upon her. It had really taken a long time but it had finally crashed- the full reality of their long-distance engagement relationship, that maybe it was taking a toll on them. That maybe they would not survive through all the distance separating them. She had been avoiding thinking about it lately but she knew even if they tried it was not going to work out, that sooner or later they would have to call it off. 'Call what off?' She had asked herself, wondering how things were going to change. 'All of it' a tiny voice in her mind replied. The engagement, the relationship. Everything. That night she decided against comming Kai, instead, she confronted Iko speaking of her troubling thoughts aloud and from the dark blue, somewhat grey colours of her eyes, Cinder understood how truly sorry she was.

She sat in the arms of Iko, wanting to whine, yell and cry. However, the cruel fate left her with a throbbing sensation in her head and an itchy feeling in the throat. She wanted to see Kai, but she had not the heart to tell him the truth. She presumed he already knew what was troubling her- troubling them. She had not the courage to see the sorrow on his face, so she pretended that everything was fine even when it was not. She smiled and teased him at all the opportunities she could possibly get knowing very well that one day that they would have to stop. One day he would have someone else do that to him. Therefore the next time she had gone on Earth she had confessed it to him. He had listened patiently without a word and had calmly accepted it. The unforgettable silence that followed would haunt Cinder forever. She thought they had fooled themselves enough trying to make the impossible happen, justifying their actions as a result of love. In the end, he had sighed, tears reflecting in his copper-brown orbs and croaked, "I guess this is the end?" She had nodded failing to meet his eyes. "Sorry, Kai", she had uttered, feeling every ounce guilty and sorrowful. They had stood like that for a long time, feet shuffling- gazes never meeting each other until he was called. He did not shed a single tear before her. On her last night at the Palace, she felt a sort of Deja-Vu for all the things around her. Her thoughts roamed around only a single thing- 'After today, this place would no longer be home'. He had come to her room that night and once they had gotten over the awkward small talk of the breakup, he had launched at her and hugged her till her bones crushed. "I love you," he whimpered. "Don't forget it- don't forget it, Cinder. Even when you go to that fucking rock in the sky." And Cinder could feel something warm- not inside her but on her shoulders.

Kai's tears had been falling on her shoulders and she had chanted sorry all the time they stayed like that.

'What do you do to calm two heartbroken souls?'

He was in her arms hearing her speak, though her words were not soothing, they did not reduce his grief like they ought to. They were bitter truth of their future, their fate. They were apologies for what they had lost. Her words were not comforting. She was not going to tell him how they will be fine when she knew they would not. There was no point lying- telling him nicely painted lies of their future when their present was broken like that. She had no idea how but they fell asleep together, a mess of tumbled limbs on the carpet for the last time. And when the streaks of sunlight fell over their sleeping forms, it was not out of hope.

"It seems that it's over for the two royals, one of them the Queen of Luna and the other The Emperor of Eastern Commonwealth. Queen Selene, 26 and Emperor Kaito, 28 called off their relationship yesterday. Emperor Kaito in his latest press speech stated that "Myself and Queen Selene are no longer together- we have parted ways on good terms. However, we are no longer involved," when one of the reporters asked if there was any wedding to be expected soon. The Queen of Luna also addressed this in one of her official posts, saying "It's been great 10 years with Kai but we can no longer stay together," with a bittersweet smile. The two refuse to brief about this. It just seems like just yesterday they were THE happier and attractive couple dancing at the Annual Peace Ball and -well now they are not, we are sure their fans all around must be heartbroken but worry not you can catch up on their relationship through the years-" Two months later, they formally announced their break-up. They called off everything- all of it just like she had thought. The world did not know- they did not know how Kai had gone down on his knees and she had said yes before he could even ask. How she had pieces of her never- going to happen wedding vows drafted somewhere in her brain. It was only them, Torin, Iko and their friends who knew the disaster of grief they had unrolled in their life. He had refused to take the ring back, "Keep it to remember me by." He had insisted and she had not-so jokingly replied, "I don't need jewels to remember you by." Returning to Luna had been the harder task, She-They had cut off all ties except maybe friendship (?) but things were going to be different- they are different.

It felt hollow for months later, she drowned herself in work to forget about the messy-haired boy, to forget that there was no one waiting for her comms now, that she did not have someone to whisper 'I love you's too', to kiss him and be found by someone, no reason for Thorne to shout 'Get a room.'

She had for the first few days been hopeless- locking herself up, both metaphorically and literally only to realize that Kai had been an integral part of her daily schedule and world even from thousands of miles away. The breaks that she once looked forward too, taunted her of what she had lost- so she was hell-bent on working the day without breaks. She forced her mind to not stray around to the boy on Earth. The only moment she had let her guard down was when Thorne was visiting- because he was her BFF and wasn't he the one who teased her all along about Kai and his heavenly copper-brown eyes? Wasn't he going to be her rock where she had lost her anchor? At the sight of his friend's dark circles, thinner than the usual frame, Thorne and Cress had bear-hugged her and the only thing that she felt was it felt good to be embraced by someone other than Iko. 'I'm so sorry, Cinder', Thorne had said and she had croaked, "Don't be sorry." She had cracked that day.

"I DON'T WANT PITY THORNE, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HOW PEOPLE THOUGHT WE WOULD GET MARRIED AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. I DON'T WANT THE MEDIA TO TELL ME HOW WE LOOKED GOOD TOGETHER. I FUCKING HATE LUNARS TELLING ME THAT THEY HOPE I FEEL BETTER. AM I NOT IN THIS CONDITION BECAUSE THEY CHOOSE TO BE SELFISH? THORNE, I WANT TO CRY AND MY STUPID CYBERNETICS WOULD NOT EVEN ALLOW BE TO CRY FOR MY EX-FIANCEE." She might have been a bit tipsy to blow up like that but she was past caring. She had been pretending that everything was fine while she was falling apart inside. "What sort of cruel joke is this? Haven't I already endured enough? I don't want anyone's fucking apologies. I don't want that crap, I- I want K-Kai."

She yelled as her face echoed pain. "Do I not deserve love, Thorne?" She had demanded, looking very vulnerable. She never said a word after that. The next big blow came when she had attended the world leader summit. Thankfully, it was a virtual thing or she could not have gone through the entire ceremony without a mental breakdown. She had felt the air knock out of her lungs at the sight of Kai after six whole months. He looked paler than normal, his always messed up hair looked neatly fixed in place with layers of hair gel. And his ever blinding grin present at even stupid meetings like this was now merely his lips pressed together in a thin line.

How was Kai who was her joy in human form suddenly became the picture of grief? She wondered how she looked to him if even he was out of breath at the sight of her- realizing how she was drifting away from the main reason she was attending the summit, she forced herself to look at anywhere but him. That night she slept thinking about how she was not the only one suffering. "-The Emperor of EC starts a new journey in his life at 30. However, there are no wedding bells in the air as of now, making the world and the EC anticipate the future of their Emperor and their nation. At 30, the Emperor not committed to anyone nor having any living heir had caused multiple questions to be unanswered about the legacy after him. Hopefully, he will find his partner to secure their future until then we wish him a Very Happy Birthday!" Marriage. Wedding. Love. Hadn't it been what they had lost? She knew this was going to happen. Then why did she feel like drowning all over again? Why did her heart shatter yet again? He was no longer hers to worry about...Was he even part of her world anymore? She knew it very well that he was supposed to marry someone. He must marry someone and have an heir to the Commonwealth. Cinder was asked to do the very same thing. They were monarchs who had to keep their legacies alive. The next time she was invited for the Annual Peace Ball, Kai had cornered and said, "They want me to get married." "Tell me you are saying this because you want the ring back." She had jokingly said, swallowing the sadness and jealously that threatened to submerge her. Her mind asked if he would go down on his knees at the Ball just like he had done for Levana. But that was just her stupidity, misery and desperation mixed together. How was her tyrant aunt going to manage her marriage with Kai by living on Luna along with her sinister motives?! "Cinder" "Kai", she pleaded, underlying the please without saying it. She averted her eyes and nonchalantly asked," Have someone in mind?" "No", he replied without a beat, making her at ease but what he said next crushed her healing heart again. "But I have someone in my heart." She could not stand around him without wanting to kiss him senseless. Therefore, she said, "I wish you happiness, Kai." And tried to walk away until he questioned, "Do you?" "Hmm.." she replied, looking back at him. "Do you?" He repeated. "Wish you happiness? Yeah, Kai, I do- with all my heart." "I wish you were happiness!" Looking at his lean frame dressed in the colours of EC she dared to speak, "I wish that too." She had not returned after that episode but maybe she would have to. Soon. "The Emperor has been sighted with Chen Daiyu, daughter of Chen Zian, the Chief Commandant of Light Chariot, she is an activist working towards the liberation of perils faced by cyborgs in modern society, along with being a psychotherapist by service. It's not the first time that they have been seen together making people hope that it's not the last. There are rumours about their courting with no confirmation from any one of the two-It appears the Emperor has finally moved on from his last date with Queen Selene. Only time will tell if the Emperor has found his Empress or not." She could not blame anyone. They were just pressing time trying to avoid some inescapable future- yet why did her mind ask if he had learned Chen Daiyu's favourite flowers? or Did he hold her as he had held her once? Wondered if he explained to her why there was a cyborg's foot in his room? She was cursing goddamn every star because it was not just him but even she was looking into suitors!? She had gone on dates with a few, noticing how one of them grinned like Kai with a dimple on his left cheek, how someone scratched their necks when they were flustered or how some of them had a struggle keeping their hair in place- without wanting to she was searching for Kai everywhere in them. None of the two was married yet. It was okay to imagine about him for a while. It was okay for grief to overwhelm her. Maybe that's what she needed to

move on from her past.

Had they moved on? Had they stopped loving each other? 'NO!'- she shook her head violently to no one in particular.

She loved him even now. There will always be some part of her mind that will love him. Maybe it was treasuring their memories while making new ones. Two years later reading an article about them, she thought if maybe she had tried harder, would they be together? Alas, there was no point fantasizing when both time and distance had separated them? Could they start from where they had left? Or would they be two broken pieces no longer fitting?

"Sometimes love stays," The article read again. "But lover's don't." Maybe if distance, time and qualms of royalty were not preventing them then things could have been different, their lives could have been different. Perhaps in a life with different circumstances, they would have been together unlike this one- where they had briefly touched, in another life possibly their tale could have had a happy ending. Maybe if she was Cinder and not Queen Selene Channary Jannali Blackburn of Luna, and if he was just Kai and not Emperor Kaito of the Eastern Commonwealth then they would have made it till the end.

But they were not and that's what mattered. __

A/N: We are done! :)

I know you would likely want to hit me right now since I promised certain someone that there would be no angsty fics for at least a few months and yet HERE I AM!

I have kinda portrayed Iko in this really bad, so sorry about that! And you have no idea how much frustrated I was that Cinder could not cry, like crying is such a essential part of human behavior and having to describe her grief without tears was certainly a challenge. I hope I did her character well- You guys have no idea how much break-up articles I have read just to get the news articles right. I might as well do a course on journalism later ;)

Was that a bit too much angst? and yeah in this fic they are secretly engaged!

This was written for the TLC Ship Week, the word prompt for this one was 'In Another Life'. However, I had already planned it beforehand with no idea of  how the ship-week was going to give me the perfect opportunity to post this. I know I'm cruel right?

This idea had been going a lot in my mind since I made @salt-warrior write her fic 'Anyone Else', and read the fic 'After' on AO3, along with 'Once' by @/betaluz. I just thought that maybe Cinder failed to get past the boundaries of royalty on Luna and converting it into a Republican, wondering if that happened what would happen to her relationship with Kai. Hence, this sudden angsty take.

Tell me which is your favorite part from this?

And don't worry I have more angst lined up for you! <3

Taglist: @cinderswrench @gingerale2017 @linhcinder686 @shellyseashell @ladyvesuvia @shelbylmkaider @levanariddle @cindersassasin @kaider-is-my-otp (Tell me if you wanna be added/removed)

[rachel-matteo-merlin-recs]

Canon Era - Single Fic Arcs

Rheged

Author: McShame

Description: 

Post S5 (AU): canon to the end of S4 & part of the way through S5. 

Gwen and Arthur have been married for several years, Merlin’s magic has been revealed and Arthur has now reached a kind of cold peace with it.  Then a delegation arrives from a kingdom based on magic, and suddenly Destiny is starkly and ruthlessly thrust to the fore.  The question is should - can - it be avoided? 

Word Count: 124,383

Completed: Yes

Comment(s): 

Definitely might want to pay attention to the tags on this one; one scene can be interpreted both as dubious consent (but more like a I want this, but I can’t do this type of situation), as well as mentions of infidelity and attempted suicide by magic because Merlin just doesn’t want to deal with the fallout and aftermath of his and Arthur’s actions and the consequences it has on their relationships with Gwen and Gwaine.  But if you can handle the rough spots, this fic is truly spectacular.  

Whispering Your Name

Author: CaffeinatedFlumadiddle

Description:

A different take on the dorocha.  Instead of them being faceless screams that attack you, they are actually figures of the dead.  Merlin doesn’t quite realize how much death affected him until him and the knights go to close the veil.  

Word Count: 22,517

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

One of my absolute favorite fics of all time.  It also has a bit of Uther redemption in it and Lancelot lives! It also has one of my favorite interactions in a fanfiction: 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Arthur growled, throwing up his hands.  “That thing murdered my people and you allowed it to live--” 

“You murdered my people and I allowed you to live,” Merlin said sharply.  Gwaine felt his eyes widen.  Bold words.  Part of him wanted to ‘ooh’ at it but knew it would lead to a very bad outcome.  

Dower the Stars

Author: RurouniHime

Description:

During a time of great prosperity in Albion, the Druids offer Emrys a precious gift.  Arthur is not amused. 

Word Count: 40,654

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

A super fun but also very romantic fic.  Druids far and wide come in and kiss Merlin, hoping that their magic will react a certain way with Merlin’s and he’ll bond with one of them.  Merlin however decides to throw a wrench in his plan when he chooses to bond with Arthur instead after almost losing him.  

Overstepping

Author: Masked_Mayhem

Description:

Merlin knew he was pushing his limits, that he was millimetres away from overstepping the invisible line that Arthur had wordlessly set and the warlock had been careful not to cross, but he was never one to listen to the rules that were set for him.  Especially not when he was afraid. 

Agravaine had managed to weasel his way into his king’s mind and ingrain doubts in the people he loved, the people that loved him...doubts that only took place and bloomed as the traitor lied and deceived and planted things against them. He had gotten rid of Gwen easily enough, and had almost gotten rid of Gaius. Merlin was afraid. Were a few words and items all it would take for Arthur to turn against him too?

Word Count: 51,915

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

Merlin steps over a line and Arthur punishes him for it.  Later, when Merlin was right, Arthur regrets his decision and saves him.  Romance blooms between the two, but a wrench gets thrown in along the way with the reveal of Merlin’s magic and deeds in Arthur’s name.  There is a lot of angst, but I like to feel as if it’s a happy ending for the two.  

Springes to Catch Woodcocks

Author: myashke

Description:

When Arthur pushes Merlin away to protect him, what lengths will Merlin go to remain in his life

Word Count: 83,292

Completed: No

Comment(s): 

Unfortunately the only negative that this fic has going for it is that it doesn’t seem as if it’ll ever be finished.  There are 7 chapters and they were last updated in December of 2011.  Still worth the read.  

Two Souls

Author: Naelyn

Description:

A few days after Camlann, Merlin and Morgana find themselves imprisoned in the same place, and forced to spend their days together.  Basically, this is just a pretext for non-stop Merlin and Morgana interaction once the Emrys reveal has been made. 

“I’ve gone soft over the day, you know.  A few months ago, I would have killed you where you stood.” 

“A few months ago, you did try to kill me where I stood,” Merlin reminded her, and she could hear the smirk in his tone.  

Word Count: 11,417

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

One of the only fics on this list that won’t be specifically a Merthur fic; but it still isn’t Mergana either.  The idea is that after the revelation at Camlann, one can assume that Arthur lived and that Morgana wasn’t killed; that Merlin had been banished or sent away for the lies he told and somehow was subsequently captured.  

What starts out as a hostile interactions between Merlin and Morgana leads to understanding and apologies that lead on a path to healing.  The end is left open ended, it’s implied that they are sent to their deaths in another kingdom without hope of being rescued, but you can use your imagination to decide if you wanted them to have a happier ending.  

The Patter of Tiny Feet on Cold Stone Floors

Author: TheAvalonian

Description:

When Guinevere finds that she is unable to bear Arthur a child, Merlin offers her the perfect solution: an ancient spell which can create new life out of love, if that love is pure and powerful enough.  But after the ritual, it becomes increasingly obvious that while Gwen has indeed become pregnant, the child she carries might not have been created from the love between Arthur and his wife - but rather from the love between Arthur and his Court Sorcerer.  

Word Count: 79,131

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

Merlin and Arthur have a baby!  But it’s not an mpreg fic.  Guinevere discovers that Arthur and Merlin are more tied together than she and Arthur are - and while that is difficult for her to come to terms with, she concedes that Arthur has the chance that she never had with Lancelot and doesn’t want to stand in the way.  Queue of course evil plotting on behalf of Morgana and a kidnapping of the queen and princess - who happens to have shown gifts of her own - and it’s a rollercoaster of a tale that leaves you wanting more.  

Metamorphose

Author: clotpolesonly

Description:

When Merlin falls into bed with Arthur, he doesn’t expect to wake up alone.  He doesn’t expect Arthur to give him the cold shoulder either, but there is something else he expects even less which forces him out of the kingdom for over a year. 

He returns to find a traitor in the court, an army on the way, and a love he’d thought all but lost waiting for him with open arms.  

Word Count: 33,753

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

I don’t usually enjoy mpreg fics because they don’t make sense to me from a biological stand point and usually get explained away as “because reasons”.  This fic is an exception, it does a good job of explaining why it is that Merlin might wound up in his situation and it deals with difficult question about how to handle the knowledge and who to share it with.  

Flowers in the Wind

Author: the_seaworthy_muffin

Description:

A thousand and five-hundred years ago, Arthur Pendragon is sent to the god Emrys as Camelot’s yearly tribute.  He comes to befriend the god, and as the prince continues to spend time on the god’s island, something more seems to blossom between them.  But then the Lady Morgana goes missing, and Arthur betrays Emrys to his father in a moment of misguided trust.  Emrys’ island burns, the heart-broken god refusing to fight for his life.  In dying, he puts a terrible curse upon the prince: to live forever, and never forget. 

A millennium and a half has passed.  Arthur is being slowly torn apart from the inside-out, memories of the past an ever-growing weight in his chest.  When he finally finds Emrys again, he is elated - he’s ready to beg, weep, anything, if only he can find blissful forgetfulness.  But while the god’s power has not faded, his memories have, and he lives his life as young artist Merlin Emrys, believing himself to be a simple man with interesting gifts.  And Arthur’s hopes are dashed.  But there is one last way: Arthur can try, and make Merlin remember again. 

Word Count: 67,366

Completed: No - but it is being continuously updated

Comment(s): 

This is a truly spectacular work of fiction and I almost didn’t give it a chance.  I am so glad that I did.  Honestly, this is now one of my favorite authors on AO3.  

Peace, Plum, Pear

Author: sweetestdrain

Description:

How in his tenth year of rule King Arthur chose a man to take the role of Court’s Magician, and how Arthur made his decision.

Word Count: 13,700

Completed: Yes

Comment(s): 

Merlin fled the kingdom after Uther found out about his magic, and now it’s been ten years since the old king’s death and Arthur’s ascension to the throne, and yet Merlin is still nowhere to be found.  

Arthur gives in and holds trials for the new Court Sorcerer and in walks in an old man named Myrddin Wyllt.  But, there’s more than meets the eye to this strange and mysterious magician.  

Deluge

Author: Suaine

Description:

In the aftermath of Merlin’s battle against Nimueh, the rain seems a minor complication, perhaps even a cleansing influence.  When the rain doesn’t stop, Camelot is pushed to the brink once more.  This time, Arthur may be in over his head.  

Contains: a lot of wet boys in emotional scenes, Arthur knowing more than he lets on, Merlin being an idiot, both of them being a bit stupidly heroic, telepathic chess, rain (lots of), war, making out against a tree, coincidental druids, co-opted history, co-opted myths, magic, coming of age (metaphorically), and more magically annoying yet surprisingly un-floody water than you can shake a stick at.  

Word Count: 50,565

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

Beautifully written fic, truly a great addition to the fandom. 

Idiosyncratic Romance

Author: F0rcryinoutloud

Description:

“And what about your destiny?” Gaius asked softly.  “Merlin, you know Arthur needs you - whether he realizes it or not.  You won’t have to hide from him forever.”  

Word Count: 13,942

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

Beauty in the Ashes of our Lives

Author: Fulgance

Description:

After Merlin is executed for Uther’s murder, Arthur’s world falls apart. 

Word Count: 21,599

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

Arthur makes a huge mistake when he executes Merlin following the reveal of his magic.  

Tiercel 

Author: waldorph

Description:

Arthur is constantly at war. 

Word Count: 6,571

Completed: Yes

Comment(s):

This is a wonderful magic reveal fic where Merlin goes out and discovers more about magic while still taking care of Arthur and protecting him; Arthur is constantly at war because Uther has decided he wants to take over and unite Albion.  

[swiss-cheeze]

Sex With A Ghost || Spencer Reid

Requested: YES/NO

Gender: none, they/them.

Summary: Spencer finds a new taste in music when a song you nor him normally like starts playing on the plane home, how does the rest of the time go with Spencer's new music taste?

Warnings: takes place after season 12 (only includes Spencer grading papers), Spencer is a part time professor/teacher but still with the FBI when needed, this doesn't go along with the canon of season 12 besides being a teacher, mentions of sex but only in song format.

Songs used:

Banana Brain - Die Antwoord

Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill

Sex With A Ghost - Teddy Hyde

-------

Seventeen children had been kidnapped within five days. That was unusual in itself with the statistics let alone the fact that seventeen kids had officially been taken. 45 hours later and many many empty coffee cups, each and every child had been found and taken back to their rightful places in their parents arms.

“I can't believe it” Luke huffed as he placed his bag in the overhead carrier and slumped into the seats, “seventeen children,” he shook his head as the others started to settle as well.

“How does anyone even just...have that…” you shook your head at the fantasy the unsub, or in this case unsubs, had had: Emily Klemintine and Charlie Milesfield where teachers that each suffered a type of psychotic break that resulted in them kidnapping the kids from the adult students they once had. Emily, Charlie and their previous class (the now adult students) had been in a school shooting, no one had been hurt but it was traumatising for everyone whereas Emily and Charlie had refused therapy and treatment resulting in them wanting to recreate the scene. Garcia had made the break in the case when she looked into the backgrounds of the children, found their parents had been in the classes for the shooting and put two in two together.

“Don't think about it,” Spencer breathed as he kissed your head. You had seemed to go on autopilot and only now realised that everyone had officially sat down and started buckling up; Luke and Matt sat on the couch at the wall going through their files, J.J sat alone at the back on the plane staring out the window (claiming she needed some space) while yourself, Tara, Emily and Spencer sat in the four seats facing each other.

“We got them all back,” Emily said as she looked at you, “that’s all that matters,” she gave a tightlipped smile to you before going to her files. Tara stayed silent and immediately went to close her eyes and get comfortable for the fly home.

“Are you doing okay?” Spencer asked you softly as he nudged you to gain your attention.

“Yeah, yeah i'll be okay,” you smiled before taking out your phone and headphones and motioning to Spencer if he wanted one. Spencer gratefully took an earbud and placed it in his ear before settling back and allowing you to choose one of your playlists before putting your phone on the table, placing the earbud in your ear and leaning against Spencer. It felt like an instant but only took two songs or so before you finally fell asleep against Spencer, the man felt you slump against his side in slumber and let a smile grace his face as you were finally able to settle and not let your mind wander.

Banana brains, you're the apple of my eye

Stay with me tonight

'Cause I'm having the best time of my life

The lyrics Spencer heard confused him; you never listened to music like this, not that he knew of at least. The song continued, the techno and the rapping caught Spencer offguard but he didn't find himself displeased with it and in fact actually enjoyed what he was listening to, he thought for a moment whether or not he should move to see the title of the song and the artists but if he moved there was a 76% chance you would wake up. Instead, the Doctor memorised the lyrics and made a mental note to look up the song and artists later.

------

Spencer was enjoying his time as a professor and was of course sad to find the semester ending which meant his time would come to an end with his students. Racing against time was something Spencer was used to and knew that every second counted, so when he found himself reading all 46 students 5 page assignments with only an hour left before their grades had to go up; he was a little stressed. You smiled softly as you saw Spencer with his head down, eyes flying and pencil scribbling but faltered slightly when you saw the earbuds in his ears; Spencer did not normally like to listen to music through headphones of any kind because they’re too ‘invasive’ and ‘they’re too loud and close to my ears (Y/n), plus they can make you deaf depending on how loud your music is. Records? Stereos? No such thing’ as he put it. You placed a few files down on Spencers desk before kissing his head, at the same time of you kissing his head Spencer had reached out to his phone, pressed the home button for the lock screen to pop up (showing the fuzzy selfie you took when a seagull swooped you for your chips); and sure enough he had 45 minutes until the grades needed to be put in.

But that’s not what caught your eye.

Spencer Walter Reid is listening to Bad Reputation by Joan Jett, and by the looks of it, it’s on repeat.

“You okay?” Spencer's voice brought you out of your mind spiel as you looked down to see him looking up at you, one earphone was dangling on the desk while the other was still in his ear.

“You're uh...you’re listening to Bad Reputation?” you moreso questioned, Spencer went red at your observation.

“Yeah i uh...when we were listening to music on the jet last friday you fell asleep and Banana Brain came on-”

“By Die Antwoord?” you gapped, he wasn't meant to find, or hear, that.

“Yeah,” Spencer grinned at the memory, “I liked the song a lot and went through your Spotify list, found a few i liked and made my own playlist,” as soon as the words left his mouth Spencer almost paled and became wide eyed, “i hope that's okay! I didn't mean to mess your stuff up-” he started rambling.

“Spence,” you placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder to stop him and grinned, “we’ve been married for two years, and together for seven,” Spencers shoulders untensed as the realisation crossed his face.

“Right,” you smiled.

“I can give you some song recommendations later on when we have time if you want?” you questioned, “broaden you music horizons past classical beethoven, Bach and Tchaikovsky,” Spencer smiled giddily.

“I'd really like that (Y/N),” you kissed Spencer's head again as confirmation before walking off.

“Might want to be quick with those grades doctor you've only got forty minutes left,” you called out over your shoulder, Spencer of course also realised this, shoved the earphone back in his ear and got back to work while you started to think of every song you could and started making a list for Spencer.

-------

Throughout the next few days you sent Spencer emails, text and sticky notes containing songs and artists that he would then listen to before sending back an email, text or sticky note saying something akin to ‘i liked ___’ or, ‘not a fan of ___ but i love ___’ and such. It was a good system, and in return Spencer recommended you classical songs to help you concentrate on work, it worked sometimes and other times it really didn't.

-

You offered to make the trek to the chinese takeout place around the corner from your shared apartment, it only took you 20 minutes to get your food which you preordered and to walk back, but in that time Spencer was able to find out how to connect your bluetooth speakers to his phone.

“Rebel girl, rebel girl!” while walking up the stairs you could hear the song playing and innocently thought it was one of your young adult neighbors, “rebel girl you are the queen of my world!” As you got closer to the door you realised the song was in fact coming from your apartment, yours and Spencer's apartment, “rebel girl, rebel girl!” you couldn't help yourself but laugh as you unlocked the door and opened it, “I think I wanna take you home, I wanna try on your clothes, uh” you watched Spencer glide into the room on his mismatched socks across the wood floors, using a hairbrush as a microphone and hip thrusting the air on ‘uh’.

“I see-”

“AHHHHHHH” Spencer screamed. High pitched with a voice break, the hairbrush flying behind him and hitting the wall with a loud THUNK. You couldn't help the burst of laughter coming from you as you clutched your stomach and rushed to put the white plastic bag down before you dropped it, “I didn't expect you back so soon!” Spencer exclaimed as he cleared his throat, a red hue covering his now hot and embarrassed body.

“I didn't expect you to be dancing around to Rebel Girl with a hairbrush and hip thrusting in the air!” you collapsed onto the couch.

“It's a good song! And was a part of the 1990 Riot Grrrl movement!” Spencer defended, slurring his R’s as the title gave it, “if i can support a feminist movement i will, you know that,” Spencer again defended himself as he moved into the kitchen to get utensils before coming back and sitting down with you on the couch, your laughter had started to die down, you brought out the plastic tubs with your meals as Spencer moved for the remote to put on a movie through your shared netflix. You pressed the ‘off’ button on the bluetooth speaker that sat on the coffee table in front of you before Spencer finalised on a movie.

“Twilight?” you questioned quickly when hearing the infamous ‘id never given much thought to how i could die’. Spencer grinned as he opened his tub.

“I have found that i have a very weird fascination with a certain vampire in this movie called-”

“Edward? You’re team Edward really?” you cut Spencer off, he simply looked at you with a mix of confusion and humor.

“No actually, Jasper is his name,” Spencer grinned, he knew that was your favorite character from the franchise.

“No way!” you exclaimed quickly with a growing grin.

“Yes way,”

“There’s super good music in this franchise too i'll tell you,” Spencer hummed to acknowledge what you said and gave you a look of ‘i'll look it up later then’ before you cuddled into Spencer's side and started eating your meals.

-------

A few weeks had passed since Spencer first started changing his music taste and making new playlists on your shared spotify, and no one on your team seemed to notice. When Spencer walked past Luke and Tara with headphones in they only smiled, this also happened again with Emily and J.J. but this time Spencer placed a few files onto Emily's desk while the girls were talking and walked out without saying anything. Of course Spencer never normally does this but his team hadn't seemed to notice the white earbuds that always hung on the outside of his suits or shirts and connected into his pocket.

“Oh my god they have a ‘sing and get your table a free set of drinks!’” Emily exclaimed as she looked to the sign; the whole team had the day off and all decided to go to a bar, a bar with a karaoke machine. Luke, Penelope, Spencer and yourself were happily buzzed and excited, Matt was nursing his ‘one and only’ vodka while Emily, Tara and J.J. each had wine and shots and were progressively getting drunker. Rossi had wanted a night in rather than one out.

“Who’s gonna sing!” Tara exclaimed.

“ALVEZ SHOULD!” Penelope gasped out loudly.

“No way sweetness!” Luke quickly shut down her idea, “not while drunk i don't,”

“Oh my god,” J.J. said as an idea popped into her head, “Spence you should sing!” Everyone laughed when the words left J.J. 's mouth but Spencer seemed to contemplate her idea.

“You’re not, are you?” you questioned with a grin, “you were singing Umbrella by Rihanna the other week in the shower and it sounded like a dying goose!” you giggled, Spencer grinned at the memory as he swayed a bit while sitting still.

“Do you guys want to know the difference between sober me and slightly drunk me?” Spencer suddenly asked causing the whole team to dial into what he was saying, he brought the team in closer with a wave of her fingers before saying, “sober me wouldn’t do this”

“Oh my god,” Penelope gasped as Spencer got up and walked to the karaoke machine as the team looked on amazed and baffled.

“No, no he’s not,” Luke said with a grin as Spencer picked up the microphone, “oh my god he is!” the music started and Spencer started singing; and fuck was he good. You knew the start of the song, how it sounded and how it was meant to go but what you didn't expect was Spencer to ace every aspect of the song, including the roughness and emotion behind it; that was until he got to the chorus.

“I'm having sex with a ghost!” Spencer sounded exactly like the song, the only difference was Spencer's voice was an octave or two higher, and that's it, “'cause they know I'm alone” he changed the lyrics while looking at you, “they’re a freak in the sheets, play it cool” you remembered dancing to this song in the kitchen one night while working on dinner, doing an interpretive dance, “I'm sleeping with a…” Spencers voice faded out as he grabbed the microphone and made his way to you; everyone in the bar was staring, “sex with a ghost, 'cause you know I'm alone” Spencer sat in your lap as he draped his arm around the back of your neck and your arms wrapped around his waist, everyone looked on intrigued and your team looked shocked, “you’re a freak in the sheets, play it cool” Spencer went back to the stage to finish the song.

“Holy shit,” Matt said as claps came from around the bar as well as whooping and Spencer made his way back to the table with a shit-eating grin.

“Reid!” Emily exclaimed as she punched the man's shoulder slightly.

“Didn't know you had it in you!” Luke said with a large grin as Spencer sat down and quickly took a mouthful of a drink. A server came over with a notepad at the ready.

“As someone from your table sang and we do have a sign saying you get a free drink, what would everyone like?” the bored woman asked, she wasn't very pleased to be working but she was still doing her job. The team placed their orders and the woman walked off, the label of her name tag catching your eye. ‘Quill’ was her name.

“That was a very good rendition of that song Spencer,” you said with a grin, your husband gave you a sly smile.

“How do you even know that song Spence?” J.J. questioned as a server with a few drinks came around the table, each person of the respective drink thanking the server as they left to get the rest. Spencer jutted a finger in your direction as he took a sip of his drink, “(Y/N)?!” J.J. exclaimed, she looked so shocked.

“I don't just listen to musicals and disney music you know, i do have a very large array of taste,” you grinned into your drink (the rest had just been served) as the table gave you many emotional faces; shocked, speechless, amused, flabbergasted.

“You got Spencer to listen to music like that?” Garcia quickly interjected, you nodded.

“He heard a song on the plane once, we shared the headphones and I clocked out within five minutes while the playlist kept going. He heard something he liked and then started listening to my other playlists. I found him listening to Bad Reputation by Joan Jett and then started opening him up to other artists and songs,” you finished talking by downing the rest of your drink, slamming it on the table and beamed, “you DO NOT want to hear our sex playlist!” a collective groan rumbled through the team that almost vibrated the table as Spencer laughed.

[cynicalrainbows]

Six Fic Prompt Chpt 3

I feel like canonically, Cleves would be the nicest and most emotionally healthy of the queens because unlike the others, she had time and space to work through her trauma. The others... I sort of feel they’d be just about keeping things together.

Also thank you for the lovely, lovely messages about this fic! It’s so nice to hear that people are enjoying it!

She does enjoy the trout (although she also notices that Cleves, for once, does not finish her own food) but it’s still hard to sleep later that night, and so she’s still awake when there’s a knock.

‘Yes?’

‘I saw your light on…’ Anna pushes the door open but hovers on the threshold. ‘Can I come in?’

Jane nods, even though is all new territory, uncertain territory. They live together but socialising still mostly takes place in the communal kitchen, the shared living room- they’re all slightly wary of one another, the ghosts of old scars and old resentments lingering and unacknowledged. 

She hasn’t sought out any of the queens in their own rooms yet, other than to call them for dinner, (it feels too intimate) and they haven’t really come to hers either.

 For the most part.

 The exception is Kitty, who has several times turned up at her door after everyone has gone to bed to ask if she’s left something or other in Jane’s room since she can’t find it anywhere.

If the voice of the youngest queen is a trifle shaky when she makes her request, Jane does not bring it up, and she doesn’t question Kitty’s need for her hair straighteners, her body glitter, her running shoes, at gone 11pm either, nor mention that since Kitty only ever comes to her room to look for things, it’s unlikely she’ll find anything of her own there.

 She does however make sure to offer to help Kitty search her own room again ‘in case she’s missed it’. 

(Walking down the landing with the girl trailing at her side, she sometimes has to fight a bit against the urge to do more- to take her hand, to wrap an arm around her thin shoulders. She never does, of course.)

Once they’ve both given up- which never takes long, she’s taken to waiting until Kitty is safely under the covers before she leaves. 

That she always leaves the door ajar, the landing light turned on, is coincidence and no one can prove otherwise.

(She sometimes wonders if they’ll ever get to the point where she’ll be able to offer the girl a hug, if Kitty will ever feel confident to come to her for comfort without the need for fabrication: will she ever be bold enough just to ask if Kitty is alright, rather than enquiring about whether she thought to check under her bed?)

(She hopes they will. One day)

Other than Kitty’s visits though, her room has been pretty much sacrosanct. She’s privately curious about the rooms of the other queens (god knows what Boleyn has done to hers) and she can see Anna eyeing her things, her clothes, the cushions on the chair, the framed pictures on the walls, with interest. Clearly, the feeling is shared.

‘It’s nice-’ She moves closer to the nearest frame, squinting at the birds of paradise fanning their tails in intricate patterns. ‘This is lovely’

‘Thank you- it took me such a long time.’

‘You...made this?’

‘Yes’

‘You sewed this?’

Anna’s wide eyed approbation is a little embarrassing.

‘I like embroidery. Always-’ she flushes slightly: referring to her past life sometimes feels almost shameful, like she’s showing off how easy things were for her by making reference to the fact that she spent her time as queen pursuing quiet hobbies and accepting congratulations on her pregnancy, rather than in frantic prayer or enforced seclusion.

 (She wonders if it’s divine justice that the tables are being turned on her now, if her struggles are something she has inadvertently stored up for herself via an unwitting life of leisure.)

‘They said you were good but never-’ Anna tips her head. ‘That you were… you know. That good.’

Jane smiles. ‘That’s kind of you. I’m so glad it’s something I can still do here.’

‘Yeah. Harder to go hawking in Ealing. Unfortunately.’ Anna grins ruefully. ‘I like that we all got to come back with our same tastes and skills and stuff though. Even if it’s sometimes a bit inconvenient.’ She pauses. ‘I always liked riding, myself- especially at court. Felt such a relief it was something I could do that didn’t require language.’

She’s wondered to herself sometimes if it was difficult for Cleves, coming all the way from Germany, mostly alone, in much the same way that she’s wondered how Aragon coped without Mary or if Cathy was afraid to marry a man who’d already killed two of his wives…. but she’s never thought of actually asking any of them. It feels far too personal, too intimate.

Anna though doesn’t appear to be remotely self conscious as she talks: ‘I couldn’t speak more than a few words of English when I arrived, you know. I felt like such an idiot half the time. Most of the time. I could never tell what people were saying, what they wanted; I felt like everyone was irritated with me because they had to keep repeating themselves and rewording things so I could understand. I mean obviously they couldn’t say much- not that I’d have understood if they did!- but you know how it is.’

She does- she might not be the most literate of women but she’s fluent in the wordless, secret language of resentment, of irritation.

‘It sounds like things were very hard for you.’

‘Yeah, it was a fun few months..’ Anna pulls a face. ‘It was mostly just exhausting.’

She nods- she knows how that feels. (She’s tired all the time now, and she knows it’s nothing to do with the show.)

‘Also-’ Anna looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘I think I made it a bit worse….just by being very hard on myself.’

‘What do you mean?’ She’d expected Anna to say it was because she’d been lazy- because she hadn’t tried hard enough to learn English as a child, because she hadn’t tried hard enough to learn on her own while at court.

(If only she’d tried harder at her lessons. If only she hadn’t be so stupidly, idiotically happy when she was allowed to stop practising her writing. If only she wasn’t so stupid now that no matter how much she tried to practise in private, her progress was stuck at zero. If only, if only, if only-)

‘Because on top of having to deal with other people being annoyed with me, I kept blaming myself. Rather than just accepting that they were being dicks and that it’s really hard to learn a whole new language from scratch, I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me for not picking everything up more quickly.’

Cleves is looking at her intently. ‘I wish I could go back and tell my old self that I was doing the best I could. Also I wasn’t really honest, even with my German ladies, about how hard I was finding it all. I’d like to go back and tell myself that they would have been on my side.’

‘It-’ Her throat is thick. ‘It would have been hard to do though. To admit to being stupid-’ Suddenly she realises what she’s said- that it’s Cleves they’re talking about, not her- and claps a hand over her mouth guiltily. ‘Oh- goodness- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean-’

(Now Cleves will hate her for sure, and she’ll have ruined everything, all beause she’s stupid, she’s stupid, she-)

‘It’s ok.’ Cleves smile is very gentle; she doesn’t look upset in the least. ‘I mean, it’s what I thought too at the time. It wasn’t true though, obviously. Hardly my fault if no one had bothered to teach me English.’ She looks at Jane, waiting for her response. ‘Right?’

‘I- I suppose.’

‘It sucks that we don’t always know exactly what we need to know before we need it….but it’s how things are. I got through it.’

‘How?’

‘Practise, mostly. I eventually had to swallow my pride and ask one of my laides to actually properly teach me too- you can pick up a lot through just being around a language but sometimes you need actual help as well. And I stopped caring so much about what people thought- or at least I tried to. I kept reminding myself they could wait a minute for me to finish what I was trying to say, it wouldn’t kill them-’

‘And….it helped?’

‘Well sometimes. It was definitely healthier than me telling myself I was a total idiot every time I had to ask someone to speak more slowly. I mean, I also fantasized about setting my dogs on them if they kept rolling their eyes and huffing at me… but mostly the first thing. Definitely.’ Anna’s expression is so funny Jane can’t help but laugh and Anna laughs with her.

‘Most importantly, I just tried to be more patient with myself. It’s a lesson I’m trying to teach Kitty, actually. She’s hard on herself. We all are, really.’

Jane nods.  She’s seen how Kitty looks whenever she makes a mistake in rehearsal- as if she wants to punish herself, and she’s seen Aragon pushing herself past the point of exhaustion so that the same thing never happens to her. 

She’s seen Parr’s light on well past midnight as the girl denies herself food and sleep in favour of work, she’s seen Anne forcing herself to remain perfectly still as the makeup artist brushes her scar by mistake and then quietly excuse herself, her face white and drawn. She’s even seen Anna suppress a flinch when they passed a child whinney-ing like a horse  as they played in the street.

 (She wonders what they see in her?)

‘She’s a sweet girl. She...deserved better.’ Making a reference to something so raw feels almost indecent, but Anna doesn’t look shocked.

‘I think we all did.’

When Jane swallows a yawn, they both reflexively glance at the clock and Anna gives a little start. ‘Oh my god, I’m sorry, I only meant to come in for a moment-’

‘No, it was...nice-’ She’s telling the truth. She feels surprisingly better. Lighter. 

Stop being so hard on yourself.

‘Thanks for….telling me about your time at court. It was interesting.’

‘You’re welcome. Thanks for listening- I’d like to hear more about you too one day. If you’d like.’

‘That would be nice.’ Surprisingly, she means it.

Anna stands up to go and then pauses.

‘I just wanted to say… I know we’re all sort of getting used to things and getting used to each other and it’s all kind of uncomfortable still…. But you know we’re all….supporting each other right? Even if we’re still really awkward with each other….you know we’d all have your back?’

Jane manages a nod and Anna smiles. ‘That’s all I wanted to say. And if you ever….want to do this again? The talking, I mean? My….um, my door is always open.’ She pulls a face, ‘That sounded way less cheesy in my head….’

It breaks a moment of tension and Jane is able to relax enough to laugh.

‘Thanks. I would.’

Anna grins. ‘Thank god. It would have been super awkward if you’d said no.’

And with that, she shuts the door behind her.

(It’s unexpectedly easier to fall asleep after Anna leaves.)

[olicitysecretsanta]

Love Knows No Season, Love Knows No Clime (The Christmas Ornament)

For @foreverfelicityqueen from @allimariexf

Happy holidays to you, Kayla @foreverfelicityqueen!! I wanted to try to incorporate your wishes into this story, which meant going out of my comfort zone! I don’t know if this will be what you imagined, but I had such a fun time writing Tommy and doing the “soulmates” theme - both things I’ve never tried before! Thank you for that! I hope you like the result, which is a little fluffy, a little angsty, a little smutty and a little Hallmark magicky! :D 

Tags: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak, Tommy Merlyn/Laurel Lance (implied), Oliver Queen, Felicity Smoak, Tommy Merlyn, Laurel Lance (mentioned), William Clayton (mentioned), canon compliant, soul mates, christmas! fic, pre-Island, season 2, post-7x09, fluff and smut and light angst, mildly Hallmark-Christmasy, but darker because Arrow

Rating: M

Summary: Christmas magic

_________________________________ December 24, 1996

Oliver found Tommy sitting in the darkened hallway, lit only by the festive lights of the party below.

“Hey.”

Tommy looked up, not bothering to smile. “Hey.”

“Was wondering where you went. Laurel was asking about you.”

Tommy made a face.

Oliver grinned. “What? I think she likes you. What’s so bad about that?” He took a seat on the floor next to his friend.

Tommy lifted an eloquent eyebrow. “She likes you. She only asked about me so she’d have an excuse to talk to you, you know.”

Oliver stared back at his friend for a long moment before looking down with a knowing smile. “Okay, maybe.” He paused and listened to the sounds of music and voices drifting up from below that seemed to belong to another world. “What are you doing up here?”

When Tommy didn’t answer, Oliver gave his shoulder a shove. “Come on, there are a lot of girls down there! And no chaperones. And you were the one who stole the liquor out of your dad’s cabinet to spike the punch, dude!” He raised his eyebrows significantly. “Good job, by the way. But it makes me wonder why you aren’t down there enjoying it.”

Tommy shook his head, clearly in one of his moods. Oliver was used to it. Ever since his mom died and his dad left three years ago, Tommy had become a fixture at the Queen home, and he was more like a brother than a friend to Oliver. Most of the time he was the same old Tommy, fluent in sarcasm, never one to turn down a dare, who didn’t understand the concept of taking things too far. But every once in a while he would go silent and unreachable, and Oliver knew this was one of those times.

“You thinking about your dad? Or your mom?”

“Actually, I was thinking about girls, and then -”

Oliver swung his head around to give Tommy an incredulous look. “You’re up here brooding about girls?”

“Ha! No, not exactly.” The brief smile slid off his face. “I was thinking about girls, and that reminded me.” He drew a pair of objects from where they had been stashed behind him, and Oliver squinted into the darkness to make them out. “My mom gave these to me.”

Oliver looked at his friend, all jokes about sappy heart-shaped Christmas ornaments falling away from his lips.

“Well actually, I found them. The Christmas before she died.” He smiled softly. “I was looking through her closet to see if I could find out which Super Nintendo games she got me -” he met Oliver’s eyes with a grin, “Battletoads and Double Dragon!”

Oliver laughed with Tommy at the memory of the hours they’d spent playing the game, but he knew his friend had more to say, so he stayed silent. The sound of girls shrieking pierced the silence, and Oliver felt a strong sense of missing out on his own party, but he shoved the feeling down and waited for Tommy to continue.

“Instead, I found these ornaments.” He held them up into the dim light so Oliver could inspect them better. There were two of them, identical, each one made of wood and delicately carved into a pair of hearts. The words “My True Love” were painted in the center, with obvious space for two names below it. “She told me one of her patients gave them to her at the clinic. She said he was an artist and that he couldn’t afford to pay her, but he made her these ornaments, and told her….” He frowned slightly, as if he wasn’t sure whether he should continue.

Oliver was intrigued. “He told her what?”

“He told her they were magic.” He rolled his eyes and then looked at Oliver, waiting for judgment.

Oliver suppressed the sarcastic comment he normally would have made, because he could see that the ornaments, the story, the memory meant something to Tommy. Still, he was skeptical. “Magic?” A slightly indulgent smiled played over his lips.

Tommy shook his head, smiling. “I know, I know. It’s dumb.”

“Hey. It’s not dumb. It’s just…magic? What’s so magical about an ornament?”

“Well, according to my mom, you write your name here,” he pointed to the leftmost blank spot on one of the ornaments, “and then on Christmas eve you wish upon a Christmas star -”

“What’s a Christmas star?”

Tommy laughed. “I dunno. A star you see on Christmas? That’s what my mom called it, okay? I mean I know it’s all BS anyway….”

“Hey.” Oliver punched him lightly. “I didn’t say it was BS. What happens next? What are you supposed to wish for?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “It is BS. Sappy love stuff. Okay? You write your name here, and you wish on a star for your one true love to find you. Your soulmate, or some crap like that.” He set the ornaments down and turned to face Oliver. “I thought of them because I was just down there, looking at you. Wondering how you get girls to like you.”

Oliver opened his mouth in surprise, but he felt himself flush with the still-new knowledge that it was true. Girls did like him. Until recently, it had been more of an inconvenience than anything, but more and more lately he found that he didn’t mind, that he liked the attention. “Tommy, you know I -”

“Ollie, it’s fine! It’s not a big deal. I was just thinking about it, and I remembered these ornaments, and it got me thinking about my mom.”

“You know you’re my best friend, right? Girls are just…girls.”

A slow smile spread over Tommy’s face. “Yeah. I know.”

Oliver matched his small smile and picked up one of the ornaments from the floor. “She was a good mom.”

“Thanks. She thought of you like a son too, you know. In fact, she told me this other ornament was for you.”

Oliver ran his thumb over the blank space on the right side of the ornament. “So what’s supposed to happen?”

Tommy spoke carefully, but Oliver heard the note of hope he was clearly trying to hide. “We write our names here. We wish on a star on Christmas eve. We put the ornament away. Then our true love will bring it to us one day, and her name will be written next to ours.”

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

“Ollie -”

“Come on, let’s do it! It’s Christmas eve. There’s a bunch of girls down there. Who knows what will happen?”

Tommy grinned at him, not saying thanks for humoring him and not teasing him, but Oliver understood anyway.

They opened the doors of the second floor balcony at the end of the hallway, meeting the freezing, crystal clear night. Situated over six miles from any other civilization, the Queen mansion always had excellent stargazing visibility, and tonight was no exception.

“Oh, crap, we forgot to write our names.”

“Umm. Here, I still have this from when I was writing names on the take-home bags.” He pulled a pen out of his pocket.

“It’s green.”

Oliver shrugged. “It’s festive.”

Tommy took the pen and wrote his name before passing it back to Oliver. “Now we wish.”

Oliver looked at Tommy, trying to match his solemn mood. “Okay. I wish that my one true love will come find me.”

“Yes. And I also wish that my one true love will come find me.”

“And they’ll bring us these ornaments.”

“Yeah.”

Oliver waited a moment, to give the wish time to take effect. “Now what?”

Tommy grinned. “Now we go back to the party and let the girls come to us!”

December 24, 2005

The door to the pool house opened again, the very loud sounds of the party spilling out into the cold night air, but people had been coming and going from the large inground hot tub all night, so Oliver didn’t think anything of it until Tommy rounded the corner and spotted him.

“Hey!”

“Hey.”

“I was looking for you. Kinda surprised to find you alone, though.” He settled into the lounge chair next to Oliver’s. “Laurel asked me to find you. I was prepared to tell her I found you throwing up in the bushes.”

Oliver let his gaze drift over to meet Tommy’s, but he didn’t match his friend’s knowing smile.

Still, Tommy pressed on. “I saw you talking to Rachel Atwell.”

“Who?”

“That redhead, Tanya Ferris’s cousin here on break from Vassar. You know, the one who had her hands up your shirt and her tongue in your mouth?”

“Oh. Her.”

“Yeah, Ollie. Her.”

Oliver felt Tommy waiting for an explanation, but he stayed silent.

“What’s going on, buddy?”

“Do you remember when you found those Christmas ornaments from your mom, the night of my first co-ed Christmas party, when we wished on a star for our true loves?” He had been staring off into the darkness, but after Tommy didn’t say anything for a minute, he looked over to find his friend giving him a strange look.

“Ollie, are you okay?”

“Do you remember?”

“Yeah, I remember. It was a silly thing we did, you were being nice to me about missing my mom and my awkward stage with girls. Thank goodness that’s over, right?”

A smiled flashed over Oliver’s face, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Seriously, buddy, what’s going on?”

“I got kicked out of Princeton.”

Tommy frowned. “That’s what’s bothering you? I mean, not to be insensitive, but you didn’t seem that bothered when you got kicked out of Harvard.”

Oliver shrugged.

“What did Laurel say?”

“She doesn’t know.”

“Oh. But -”

Oliver met his friend’s questioning gaze without emotion.

“But wasn’t she transferring to Princeton to be with you?”

Oliver nodded once. “Yep.”

“Okay, okay. No big deal. I’m sure your parents can work something out, get you a second chance or something.”

Oliver’s gaze slid away to focus off into the distance again.  “Did your one true love ever come find you?”

“Ollie. Oliver. Come on, man. That wasn’t real. There’s no such thing as magic.”

“But is there such a thing as true love?”

It was Tommy’s turn to be silent.

“What is love, anyway? Is it like my parents?”

“Man, I don’t know.” For once, there was a note of impatience in his voice. “You tell me. You’re the one of us who’s in a serious, long-term relationship.”

Oliver shook his head, sighing. “I know she makes me feel good about myself, like I’m special. Is that true love? I know that it doesn’t matter how much of a screw-up I am, she always tells me I’m a good person.”

“Yeah, she definitely loves you, Ollie.”

“She caught me cheating on her last month. She walked in on me in my dorm room when she was visiting me on campus.”

“Wait, wait. Let me get this straight: she was staying with you on campus, and you brought someone else to your dorm room?”

Oliver nodded.

“Dude, you have serious balls! Almost like you wanted to get caught!”

Oliver nodded absently. “She was really upset. She screamed at me, stormed off. I found her crying an hour later. But she forgave me, and then we had really great make-up sex.”

Tommy grinned. “Like I said, she really loves you. Nothing you could do would make her leave you.”

Oliver was silent for a long moment. “She’s too good for me.”

Tommy shrugged. “Someday you’ll be good enough for her.” He smiled mischievously. “But maybe not today? You’re still young, dude. Way too young to be worried about settling down just yet, in my opinion. Not when Rachel Atwell is just one hot girl among many, my friend, and you have a 6-years-running Christmas eve streak to maintain. Come on. We’ll go reassure Laurel and make your excuses.”

A slow smile was spreading over his face at the idea. Tommy was right. And besides, how was he ever supposed to know if what he had with Laurel was true love if he didn’t compare her to other girls? “She’s probably going to see through any excuses you come up with.”

“Well thank god she’s forgiving, then.”

December 24, 2013

The sound of the foundry’s door unlocking jolted Oliver out of his thoughts, and he swiveled toward the CC feed to see who was coming to the lair this late on Christmas eve. He felt an involuntary surge of pleasure in his chest as he watched Felicity descend the stairs, but he was used to that. After all, she was his friend.

She stopped short on the last step as she saw him sitting in her chair. “Oh. Hi!”

Oliver smiled and stood up, moving toward her. “Hi.”

They spoke at the same time. “What are you doing here?”

Felicity laughed and looked down.

“I thought you were in Central City.”

“Yeah, well.” She shrugged. “I was.” She stepped off the last stair and would have slipped past him, but Oliver reached out and laid his hand on her arm, sensing something was bothering her.

She shook her head, but she didn’t move away. “It’s nothing.”

“Felicity.” He slid his arm up to her shoulder and waited.

She looked up at him with an expression that he couldn’t quite identify. Self deprecation, maybe. “I was at the hospital, with Barry’s foster father and some of his friends, and it was really nice.” She looked down, nodding to herself. “They were all really nice, welcoming. Really awesome people. I was having a good time, but then it occurred to me, these people have a history, they’re a family, you know? And here I am, taking up their time and attention, and they don’t even know me. Don’t really have a reason to. Like, who am I? What am I even doing here?”

“Felicity, you -”

“When Joe West invited me to spend Christmas eve with them, I was really excited.”

“I remember.” He remembered the strange feeling in his chest when she told him about it, too. Remembered how he’d clamped down on that feeling, knowing he had no right to begrudge her a chance to be happy.

“I mean, regardless of the fact that I don’t celebrate Christmas myself, it’s a day when everyone goes off and spends time with their close friends and family, and, I dunno. I thought it would be nice to be a part of that for once.” She looked up at Oliver with sad eyes. “But rather than feeling like I was a part of something, I was reminded how much I don’t belong.”

“Hey.” Oliver squeezed her shoulder with the hand that was still resting there.

“I mean, who am I to Barry, anyway? We only just met when it happened. I’m not really a part of his life at all, definitely not part of his family. I’m not really a part of anyone’s family.”

“Felicity.” He shook her a little, to pull her out of her spiral, and placed his other hand on her shoulder, leaning down so she would focus on him. She met his eyes with a look that made him bite back unbidden words that suddenly threatened to spill out. You’re part of my life. You’re my family. When did that become true? Because he knew instantly and with bone-deep certainty that it was the truth.

She looked back at him for a long moment, and he suspected she could read some of what he didn’t say in his eyes. Eventually she blinked and spoke in a brighter tone, obviously attempting to change the subject. “What about you? I thought you were going to spend Christmas eve with your family?”

Oliver let his hands slide from her shoulders and looked away, vaguely aware that there might be other unexpected truths lurking in his eyes. “I did. I mean, mom and Thea and I had dinner and exchanged gifts, and then Thea went over to Roy’s and my mom went off to do whatever she does, and I came here.”

Felicity stared for a long moment at her chair, where he’d been sitting when she’d entered. “Why here?” She looked up at him suddenly. “You weren’t thinking of going out there, were you? We agreed we’d take tonight off.”

Oliver gave a short laugh. “No, I just….” His eyes also drifted over to her chair. “I guess I just felt more at home here.” And it was true. As much has he had insisted he spend the night with his mom and his sister, the uncomfortable truth was that the people he was closest to, the people who knew him best, were not the ones he’d come home from the island to save, but the ones who had joined him in his crusade.

He felt Felicity move toward him, close enough that her shoulder brushed against his as she came to stand beside him. “Yeah.”

Because of the life that I lead…. His words to Felicity had crystallized what he had realized months ago, that his dangerous life, the risks he took, meant that didn’t have space in his life for a relationship. But what exactly counted as a relationship? Where was the line? He was still allowed to have friends, right?

He was struck with a sudden idea. “Hey. We should get out of here. This is no place to spend Christmas eve.” He looked down to find her staring at him with one eyebrow raised, just as he expected.

“What?”

A tiny smile crept over his face. He would never admit out loud how much he enjoyed surprising her. “Come on. Let’s go see the tree at Nelson Plaza. I haven’t really gotten to see it yet this year.”

“Oliver -”

He heard the protest in her tone, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. So what that he had decided he couldn’t have a life outside of being the Arrow - that he couldn’t risk getting in a romantic relationship. That didn’t mean he couldn’t still be there for his friends, did it? Because Felicity, his team - they were more than friends; they were his family. Wanting Felicity to feel cared for? That was allowed. That was what friends - family - did for one another. It didn’t have to mean anything more than that.

* * * * * * * * * * *

They took his Ducati, and when she wrapped her arms around his waist, he realized they’d never done this before. Never ridden together on his bike. Never gone anywhere socially, just the two of them. That realization, or maybe the feeling of her chest pressed against his back, made his stomach flip with sudden misgivings, but he shoved the feeling down. He wasn’t at risk of going against his vow; he simply cared about her, and that wasn’t the same thing.

She was shivering when she climbed off the bike. “Wow, I really should have brought my heavier coat!”

Oliver began to peel his leather jacket off. “Here -”

“Hey, no! You need that! I’ll be fine.”

On an impulse, he wrapped his arm around her instead, and it wasn’t until he felt her body stiffen for a brief second before relaxing under his touch that he realized that they didn’t do things like that, either. But why shouldn’t they? Wanting someone to be safe and comfortable, that was what friends did, right?

“At least it’s not raining for once. The sky’s so clear I can see the stars.”

Oliver looked up, realizing she was right. He was struck suddenly with the memory of Tommy, of wishing on a Christmas star. Of staring up at the stars on Christmases since then, never quite forgetting the childish wish he had made. He felt a sudden rush of sorrow as he realized that, with his new realization that his life as a vigilante required him to be alone, the part of him that had never given up on the idea of one day finding true love might never get to experience it.

He was lost in his thoughts as they approached Nelson Plaza, until Felicity’s voice broke him out of his memories.

“It’s beautiful. So many thousands of lights.”

It was true. The Nelson Plaza tree gave Rockefeller Center a run for its money, and it was one of the few things of magic and beauty that Oliver remembered from his childhood that still remained. “Have you ever been to the tree-lighting?”

Felicity shook her head, her eyes never leaving the spectacle in front of them.

“We used to come every year when I was a kid. Queen Consolidated is a major sponsor, so my dad and mom would come and be part of the ceremony.” A small sigh escaped him at the memory of simpler times. “I used to feel so proud to be a part of it.”

He felt Felicity’s arm wrap around his back, but she didn’t look away from the tree, giving him the space to speak or remain silent as he chose.

Oliver laughed bitterly. “To think I prided myself on being a Queen. To think I thought that made me better. I had no idea what my family’s true legacy was built on, what it would become.”

Felicity ran her hand soothingly up and down his back, and he closed his eyes, unable to resist taking comfort and pleasure from the touch.

“Your family’s legacy is in your hands now, Oliver. You can make it something to be proud of. You are not your father. Or your mother. You’re better than that.”

He looked down at her, blonde hair glowing in the yellow light, until she returned his gaze. “You really believe that.”

“Of course I do, Oliver. I know you.”

He shook his head. “You don’t know everything.”

“I know you’re not perfect.” She lifted the corner of her mouth in a small smile. “I still haven’t forgiven you for making me your Executive Assistant without asking me.” But her tone suggested she had forgiven him enough to joke about it.

“Felicity, you don’t know the things I -”

“I know enough. You’re not your father, Oliver. You fight for the people in this city.”

Still, he couldn’t let it go. It was true that even though he hadn’t told her much about the five years he was gone, she’d seen enough over the past year to know him at his worst. But something else was still bothering him, a guilt that had been riding him for over a month, that he suddenly needed to expose under the harsh light of truth. “I’m not as unlike my father as you might think.” He held her eyes, making sure she understood he was serious. “He slept with his secretaries, his interns, his…business partners.”

He watched the reference land on her face, watched the veil of disappointment descend. She seemed at a loss for words.

What was he doing? Was he trying to hurt her? Hurt himself? Trying remind her how misplaced her belief in him was? But he knew that most of all, he needed her to have no illusions. For some reason, it was important that he was always, always honest with her. “And I’m sorry. I never meant to be like him, not like that.”

“Oliver, I….” She turned back toward the tree so he couldn’t see her face as she spoke. “You don’t need to apologize to me. You don’t owe me anything. I meant what I said. If anything, you need to apologize to yourself, because you deserve better than her.”  She turned under his arm, and her eyes met his with that earnest look that always convinced him that she saw past all his masks.

He nodded, speaking lowly and held transfixed by her steady gaze. “I know. And that’s why I wanted to apologize to you. Because I know I let you down.”

A slow smile was spreading over her face, and Oliver found himself leaning down, drawing her body closer to his, eyes moving between her eyes and her mouth. Compelled toward her, heart beating in his throat, breath coming faster, not thinking, only feeling, only wanting, in a way he had never let himself want her before.

It was only for a second that seemed to stretch on forever, but then he remembered himself, remembered his promise to himself and to her, and he stopped. He gave her a small smile and a gentle squeeze before leaning away and gazing back at the tree. Because trusting someone, caring for them, needing them to be safe, knowing that they care for you, knowing that they see the real you - separately, those were all acceptable elements of friendship. But all of them together, combined with kissing? It was more than anything he’d ever felt before, for anyone. It was overwhelming, dangerous, and absolutely not something he was allowed to have. Because it was undeniably, dangerously close to love.

He knew she had recognized his intention in his eyes, and he saw something like surprise and then disappointment flit across her face before she, too, masked her emotions, but it didn’t have to mean anything if they didn’t let it, so they both remained quiet for almost a minute, letting the moment slip away.

Still, Oliver was surprised when it was Felicity who broke the silence first.

“Thanks for this. Tonight, I mean. Thanks for bringing me here.”

He turned toward her, and she tilted to meet his eyes with minimal awkwardness.

“I just mean, this is a place you associate with your family, so thanks for sharing it with me.”

“Felicity.” He paused to let the moment gain significance. “You are my family.”

Her eyes widened momentarily, and then she smiled, because they both knew it was true.

“And don’t give up on Barry.” Her smile froze a little, but he carried on. “I know you only just met him, but I can’t imagine a world where his life doesn’t get better for having you in it.”

She huffed out a surprised laugh, then nodded. “Thanks.”

He stepped back, pulling on her arm as he turned back toward the street. “You’re welcome, Felicity.”

December 24, 2018 (morning)

So much had changed in a year, and as much as Oliver tried to be stable, a rock for Felicity and William to lean on, there were times when he was completely caught off guard by how different everything seemed.

The new apartment. Working with the police. Living among the public unmasked as the Green Arrow.

William, older and more mature and with a new layer of wariness in his eyes that wounded Oliver to the core.

Felicity, with new armor and barbs covering bruises that might never completely heal. Bruises that he’d inflicted.

And the world around him on this side of prison, brighter than he remembered, but forever changed, too.

But when he thought of last Christmas, crouched under the threat of the FBI investigation and tainted by the sting of betrayal, he renewed his determination to make this year the best Christmas any of them had ever had. His family deserved it.

He rolled over onto his back, still unused to sleeping on the left side of the bed. It was one of the many small adjustments he’d had to make since being back. Apparently Felicity had slept on his side of the bed the entire time he’d been in Slabside so that by the time he came back, his side had become her side.

“Hey.”

She was also usually awake before him, which was definitely not something he was used to. “Hey.” But at least she was still in bed this morning. Some days he woke to nothing but a cold emptiness next to him, the sheets and blankets barely betraying that a person had been there at all, and those mornings were usually the start of the worst days. Thankfully, that had been happening less and less in the two-ish weeks since reality had been restored. Since he had reassured her that any version of him would love any version of her in any reality, always. He rolled on his side to face her, and his heart sped up at the sight of her.

She smiled at him and lifted her palm to his cheek. “You have that look on your face again.”

Oliver smiled. “Which look?” But he knew which look she meant. It was the look he got every time he wanted to see her and all he had to do was open his eyes to get his wish. It was the look he got when he realized he’d gotten out of the habit of taking her presence for granted.

Instead of answering, she stretched toward him, capturing his lips in a series of soft, open-mouthed kisses, grabbing his chin with one hand and running the other down his chest.

Oliver groaned and ran his hands into her hair, enjoying the sensations sparking as she raked her fingernails along sensitive areas on his body. “God, Felicity.” He leaned slightly back, momentarily breaking away from her kisses so he could see her. Somehow, despite all she had been through, she was more beautiful than he remembered. “How can I love you this much?”

Felicity’s eyes widened in surprise, but before she could say anything, he leaned forward and claimed her mouth in a demanding kiss. She responded instantly, parting her lips and wrapping her arms around him, letting him lower her down on her back.

This was also new. They had always needed each other, loved each other passionately and almost insatiably, or so he had thought. But ever since he’d gotten out of Slabside, it was if they needed physical intimacy more than they needed air. At first he thought it was only because they were substituting sex for difficult conversations, and then he thought it was a way for them to reassure themselves that they loved each other even when all their conversations inevitably led to arguments, but slowly, slowly they were working through their issues, and using words to express not just hurt but love, yet the unrelenting physical need for each other remained.

He met her eyes and she nodded, and it was all the encouragement he needed before he slid inside her. He paused a moment to let her adjust, and to just enjoy the feeling of being this close, his forearms on either side of her head, letting just a little of his weight press her into the mattress the way she liked. He took the opportunity to kiss along her neck and the underside of her jaw.

“Mmm, Oliver.” He felt the vibration of her words under his lips.

“Hmm?”

She ran her hands down his sides and over his ass, accentuating her words with a squeeze that pulled him into her more deeply, “Move.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He began to rock into her, responding to the cues of her hips. Her fingers played over his body, accentuating his pleasure, and she met him kiss for kiss. Lips, tongue, and teeth nipping, exploring, feeling, fast and slow, following and prompting the pace of their bodies.

And this, too, had taken some getting used to. As naturally as sex had always come to them, when they fell into bed again after a prison sentence apart,  Oliver found that it was different, more difficult, than it had been the first time, or than it had been when they’d come together after being broken up for a year and a half. It wasn’t that it wasn’t the best sex they’d ever had, because somehow it was; it was just that their established practices and expectations were different. She was still just as sensitive to his touch as ever, she just wanted him to touch her differently. And he’d found the same went for him. They’d had to relearn each other, and the process had been bittersweet as they discovered new things about each other and realized just how much they had changed. But on the whole, Oliver couldn’t be bothered to dwell on the past. As he had told her at ARGUS, and as he rediscovered in a different way every day, their love could weather any change; the only thing that mattered was that they were together.

He felt his orgasm impending, but he knew Felicity wasn’t quite as close so he pulled away, causing her to whine a little as she chased his mouth as far as she could reach. He looked down at her with a small smile, and eventually she dragged her gaze from his lips to his eyes. “Hey. You wanna get on top?”

She read the meaning behind his words and nodded, a small smile playing over her lips. “Yeah. Normally I’d say what’s the rush, but yeah. Christmas eve and William and everything.”

Oliver’s smile deepened at the thought of all the domestic bliss that awaited them. He pulled out of her, to the accompaniment of groans on both their parts at the loss of contact, and then she was pushing him up and over onto his back with a familiar bossiness that he had missed.

She fit herself over him and sank down with a low moan, letting her breasts brush over his chest as she began to kiss him again, and this time he let his hands explore her body, over her shoulders and down her sides, grasping her hips, over her amazing ass as she rode him, and long before he’d had nearly enough time to enjoy the lines and curves of her body, she was gasping into his mouth, grinding against him and hands cupping the sides of his head as she came, and after that there was no more holding back. He thrust up into her once, twice, before coming into her with his arms wrapped around her entire body, skin against skin, heartbeat against heartbeat, holding her as close as possible, but never close enough.

She was breathing hard, and he kissed the top of her head, over and over, his mind spinning with an emotion that no words could ever contain. Love really was too small a word. “Felicity.” He whispered it into her hair. “Felicity.”

She was boneless against him, but he felt her lips against his neck, brushing against the skin and pressing occasional kisses. “Oliver.”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed, only a little surprised at the words that had slipped from his lips while he was trying to figure out how best to express the overwhelming amount of love he was feeling.

But Felicity didn’t seem surprised at all, and she paused her kisses only long enough to reply. “I know.”

And for just a little longer before they had to get up, he held her tightly, enjoying the warmth and weight of her body over his, and he found himself once again contemplating the nature of love. He thought he’d figured it out long ago, when he first came to terms with his feelings for Felicity. It wasn’t just about feeling pleasure, or about being adored, or about responsibility. It wasn’t only about trusting and being trusted, about seeing behind masks and being your best self, or about being willing to do anything to protect each other. It was stronger than habit. It was remembering the past but living in the present. And most difficult of all to accept, but also the most powerful, was the realization that it wasn’t conditioned upon peace or comfort. He knew that he and Felicity still had far to go to settle their issues, and they might spend their whole lives untangling this mess and getting into new ones, but that meant that he’d get to spend his whole life untangling messes with Felicity, and that above all was the happiest of ever afters he could imagine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * December 24, 2018 (evening)

“Hey, Oliver?”

There was an odd note in Felicity’s voice, which might have worried him except he could see her by the Christmas tree from his place in the kitchen. He was cooking dinner and she was placing the last of the wrapped presents under the tree. “Yeah?”

“What’s this?”

Oliver glanced at William, who was helping him in the kitchen, but his son just shrugged, so he gave his hands a quick wash and wandered over to Felicity. She was sitting on the floor holding something cupped in her palms. “What’s what?” He crouched down next to her, taking the opportunity to run his fingers through her loose hair.

She looked at him, and her eyes were filled with a strange emotion: a mix of confusion, awe, love, and little bit of apprehension.

“Hey.” His hand instantly moved to cup her face, but she lifted the object and his eyes shifted to see what she was holding. And what he saw made his heart stop.

He hadn’t seen it in over 20 years, but he recognized it instantly. A carved wooden ornament, in the shape of two hearts, with the words “My True Love” painted on it. Below and on the left, written in a childish hand in green pen, “Oliver.” And to the right, in red pen, “Felicity.”

He dragged his eyes away from the ornament to meet her wide eyes. “Where did you get this?”

“It was on the tree. Oliver, this is my handwriting, but I - I didn’t write this. I would have remembered. I’ve never seen this before in my life. Did you put it here?”

Oliver shook his head, and he watched fear become more prominent in her eyes.

“Do you think…?”

“Felicity, no. No. Baby.” He covered the hand that was holding the ornament and wrapped his other arm around her, pulling her into him. “It’s okay.”

She relaxed a little in his arms, trusting him. “You know what this is? What is it?”

Oliver grasped for an easy explanation, then laughed lightly when he realized there wasn’t one. He leaned back and looked her in the eyes. “Magic.”

“Magic?” Her tone was mildly exasperated. “Oliver, what does that mean?”

He took the ornament from her, holding it up so they could both examine it. “It’s a long story, one I’ll be happy to tell you.” He laid the ornament carefully on the ground and then took her head in his hands, gently pulling him toward her. “But the moral of the story is that I love you.” His eyes drifted to her lips and he couldn’t resist leaning down to give her one, two soft kisses.

When he leaned back and looked at her again, she was smiling at him indulgently. “Oliver Queen. You are the biggest sap. Sometimes I wonder how you ever had a reputation as a bad boy.”

He smiled into her eyes, both of them knowing that she had made all the difference. “People change, Felicity.”

He watched the reference slide home in her face, but this time she smiled more deeply without a trace of bitterness. Change had always been a part of who they were.

“I love you, Oliver Queen. Love is too small a a word.” She leaned in to kiss him, and he met her halfway.

[navii-blaze]

Leaving Home - part two

Greetings my fellow artists, writers, dwebs, and tumblrists! Welcome to the next part of my pre-AU story, now starring the hero of War..... You know, the Link from Hyrule Warriors yes I know that’s not actually a canon Link but for some reason he’s more well known than the Link from the second zelda game so sue me Like the others fics I have, this is for the Linked universe AU, all rights and credit goes to the creator and Nintendo. Hope you like it and feedback is appreciated, peace out.

“LINE UP.” the fresh batch of cadets shifted into place, mumbling about the hot day and heavy armor.  Link buried his face in his free hand, the other clutching the sheet for who will be making it into knight school.  Of all of the trainee groups that were available, he had been chosen to train the worst of them.  No doubt that this was the queen’s doing as payback for Link losing a bet to her.  Tonight’s meeting with the other captains about the new cadets will be interesting, provided that he actually had something good to say out of the next ten hours to come.  The future commander of this legion stepped up and started her speech.  Link disliked speeches as much as he disliked the senior woman.  She was his supervisor during his time as a cadet, just like he is now.  Only that she is one of the cruelest, and old-fashioned commanders that Link has meet. And that’s saying something.  He traced his mind back to roughly nine years ago, when he and the other trainees were jogging around Hyrule Field. Out of the sixty newbies the last twenty to finish had to clean out every stable in the castle grounds. 

His memories were interrupted by the other captain next to him nudging his arm, signaling that the speech was almost over and it was almost his turn to speak. He signed a quick thank you to his comrade and stepped up on the platform were the senior was finishing giving her speech. He stood besides her while she finished her rambling about hard work and sacrifice when he took her place. As she started walking away, Link noticed something already horribly wrong that she had forgot to mention.

“Commander may I ask you to stay for one moment longer?” she turned back to him confused, but looked at their audience and realized what his intentions was. Link looked out to the sketchy lines of young men and women and grew more weary by the moment. “Do you newbies know what you all did wrong?” the cadets looked at each other, worried whispers going through the lines unsure of what they did wrong. He held his hand up to silence them and waited until each one of them was silent. Taking a deep breath, he shook his head like a disappointed mother to a misbehaving kid.  “NONE OF YOU FRESHMEN EVEN BOTHERED TO SALUTE YOUR COMMANDER ONCE SHE WAS DONE TALKING!” bellowed the hero, a ripple of confusion went through the lines, angry voices starting to rise up.  But he wasn’t done. “Listen up cadets! From now on, every time anyone of higher authority speaks to you, you salute them before they speak and after! Do I make myself clear?”  

“Yes sir.” replied thirty of the fifty present trainees.  The veteran knight scoffed at the lack of participation.

“I said DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”

“YES SIR.” replied a chorus of young men and women.  Link smirked, that was more like it.  His smirk evolved into a line that stretched from ear to ear, he noticed that the cadets closer to him started to smile too. Good, just what he had wanted. 

“Now that you have all been introduced to the system here by our dear commander,” he gestured towards the leaving senior who waved in return, “you all can set down your equipment by this here platform and do twenty laps around Hyrule Field.” the smiling faces were quickly replaced with doubt and shock.  Link’s smile turned into a fuming expression. 

“DID I NOT JUST MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?” the cadets overcame their shock and started to drag their bags over to the deck and take off their trainee uniform. “DID I TELL YOU TO TAKE YOU UNIFORM OFF?” he shouted, “KEEP IT ON AND START RUNNING,” many of the newbies showed signs of reluctance, but got over it and started a slow jog. “LAST TWENTY SOLDIERS CLEANS STABLES FOR A WEEK!” what was once fifty cadets jogging and grumbling among themselves soon became fifty cadets pushing each other out of the way, kicking up dust in the process, to avoid stable work.  So maybe his supervisor wasn’t too bad, some of her old-fashioness seemed to have rubbed off on him.  Link chuckled to himself as the dust settled and not a single trainee was present in his sight.  

“Well that was intriguing.” A voice from behind him stated obnoxiously.  Link turned around and bowed to his queen like the other captains that were present for the welcoming of the cadets.  

“You know, if you had put me with the most undisciplined trainees then there would be even more action. Oh wait, you did.” Link didn’t even bother to hide the sarcasm in his voice.  Out of all of the elite and senior officers, he was the only one who dared talk to her that way.  Perhaps a couple years ago it would landed him with stable work, but now his attitude earned him some not-so-hidden smirks from guards and nobles.  He took her hand and kissed it, making it more exaggerated than needed.  Her response was softly hitting him on the arm as he stood up and offered his arm as if he were an escort. 

“You’re such a terror, you know that?” she said rolling her eyes as she accepted his offer. “I don’t even know why I let you in charge of such an important position.” 

“Was it because of my dashing good looks?” Link replied with an equal amount of sass that she was giving off.  She smirked and played along with his daily game,

“Well I guess so, must have been your glossy blonde locks that captured my attention during the heat of battle.” they shared a small and quiet laugh, both knew too well that their teasing and flirting was only going to cause rumors among the knights and maids, considering that Zelda was to be engaged with a prince from a far off kingdom sometime soon, and that Link was known within the barracks to be quite the bachelor.  It’s not that they wanted to be together, dear Hylia no.  After having a relationship for about a year, they came to a conclusion that they were the best of friends and nothing more.  But that didn’t stop them from acting like teenagers again by spreading and influencing mischief in the castle.  

They traveled up the path to the throne room in silence, Link’s smile disappearing as he thought of how to react to the strange request given to him by the immortal owl Kaepora Gaepora.  Two weeks ago, the owl sent him and Zelda a message in secret.  A disturbance was found within the the rifts of time again, the two sorceresses of time, Lady Lana and Lady Cia, reported changes in different time periods.  The disturbances were nearly identical to last time, bizarre but if someone like himself were to travel to a different time and interfere, then nothing would be changed in that actual time.  Thinking about the time lines and time rifts started to give him a headache, so he shook off his thought as he and the queen approached their destination.  Perched on the arm of the former king’s throne, was none other than the time-defying bird.  Zelda dismissed the guards for the sake of privacy, both veterans had an experience with dealing with traitors and spies, none of them wanted to take any chances.  It’s not every day the legendary Kaepora comes out of the forest and speaks to mortals.  Link and Zelda bowed before Kaepora, and the bird did like-wise with a nod of its head.  

“Hoot, hoot! How long has it been since I have last seen you two hmm? It feels as if yesterday you Link were in the courtyard training, and you my queen watching him.  My goodness does time fly nowadays,” the knight and queen smirked at each other, Zelda had already told Link of how she used to watch him practice when they were younger.  And Link had admitted that he could always tell when she was watching, and would show off a little for entertainment.  “But I’m rambling off topic now.  As previously mentioned in the letter sent two weeks ago, the sorceresses of time have found a disturbance in the fabric between space and time.  They became concerned and want you Link, to investigate.” Link and Zelda looked at each other and the owl very confused.  Last time both of them were called into action, why was it that only Link was investigating?  The knight pondered over his thoughts, trying to make sense of the situation without success.  It appeared that his queen felt the same way too.

Her majesty seemed more offended than confused, “What do you mean only Link will be resolving this matter?  This is a very important problem that Hyrule is facing.”

“Well my dear queen-”

“Is it because of my engagement?” she retorted, if there was one big flaw she had it was keeping her anger under check.  In battle she let it loose on her enemies, but during stressful times like these, Link tended to stay out of her way when her face started to go red.

“Why no your majesty, I-”

“Because the wedding can be put off for however long it needs to, I am in no hurry to marry an outsider,” the owl chuckled, clearly it knew something that the other two didn’t.  Link noticed that his queen’s face was starting to go red, if there was anything that irritated her more than turn coats it was when someone was hiding something from her. “Well you seem to find this situation appealing now don’t you?  Now how about you tell us why only Link must go on the potentially very dangerous mission?” 

The messenger merely sighed and yawned, “Well for starters, Lady Cia has discovered that individuals of near identical spiritual auras of Link’s, have been spotted throughout the land.” at this shock took over Link’s confusion, last time the time portal opened up there was the ancestors and evolutionary relatives of monsters and demons that were apparent.  But to hear that a single soul was discovered in multiple areas, and at the same time of all things!  Not to mention that it was his spirit, the spirit of the hero, that was at play here. It could only mean one thing.

“Messenger Kaepora,” the owl and queen turned their attention to Link, who had been quiet until now. “are you suggesting that these individuals, could possibly be spiritual relatives of mine? It was a bold suggestion, but the only good one he had.

To Link’s surprise, Kaepora nodded his head in agreement, “Indeed young knight, these individuals are none other than your ancestors and descendants.  Which is why you are the perfect candidate for this quest, who would you get along better than a caravan of yourself!” at this Zelda stepped in, mystified of how Link’s suggestion could actually be true.

“What do you mean a caravan of himself, do the other heroes of legend know of this mission?” 

“Why yes they do, already I have sent word to four of the eight other heroes.  The others will be contacted by a different method, I heard some conversation of contacting deities of the land but I’m not quite sure...”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold everything.  As nice it is hearing about how the others got word, I just need to confirm something.  Why are nine legendary and powerful heroes, myself included,” Zelda just barely managed to surpass a smirk at his obnoxious comment, “joining up together in the first place?  Yes I understand that something is messing around with time again but what is it?  Are we on a mission to defeat a foe, rescue someone, fix a damaged timeline, seal off a form of time transportation, all of the above?” the questions poured out of his mouth, a habit he had when nervous or anxious.  

The owl creased his eyebrows together, Link wasn’t sure why an owl even had eyebrows in the first place but that wasn’t his question to ask.  Kaepora seemed lost in thought, eyes so distant one might think he was sleeping.  When suddenly the normal light in his yellow eyes sprung back to reality and gazed directly into Link’s.  

“Hmmm...” Link and Zelda looked at each other, concern written on their faces, “Now don’t jump to any conclusions yet you two,” they faced back to Kaepora, who was ruffling his feathers, looking as if he were to leave soon. “the sorceresses and I do not know exactly what caused these disturbances, but we do know that it came from the Dark World, and masked its identity very well.” the hero of hyrule pondered over what the owl had said, going through a list of dark creatures and demons that would somehow be connected to him and the other heroes. 

The messenger’s voice interrupted his thoughts, “Well, it seems that my time here is done.  Here is your task hero; travel through the gates of time, locate the other heroes, find out who or what is causing these rifts in time, stop the trouble-brewing dark being, and fix the rifts in time.  Do you wish for me to repeat myself?” Both veterans shook their heads no, ready to face whatever that will be thrown at them.  Kaepora started to flap his wings, gaining air every wing beat, “Then so be it, I wish good fortune to the both of you! Hoot, hoot!” the massive owl took off, gliding out of one of the open skylights and out of view.  

“Well this should be interesting now that you’ll be leaving for Hylia knows how long,” Link shifted to face his queen, a mix of feelings on the matter going through both of their heads.  “I will talk to General Impa about your absence for tonight’s meeting and the next couple months, in the meanwhile you should pack your bag.  No telling what you will encounter out there.” Link let a soft smile crawl onto his face, he was about to tell her something he had on his mind concerning the whole situation, but the distant yell for her majesty from a far off guard silenced him.  Zelda turned to him and quickly embraced her loyal friend. 

“I will see you in the morning at the Temple of Time to say my farewells.  Don’t be late sleepyhead.” and with that last comment she pulled away and jogged to where she was needed.  For a moment Link stood there, not minding the servants and maids rushing into the now available throne room to clean.  After a moment of processing what he needed to do, Link walked to the captain's barracks where he started to pack up a traveling bag.

This took me a relatively shorter time than I thought.  If you call five days short... Probably because I put some actual effort into getting it done sooner and didn’t have a whole lot to do during the last couple days. For the last bits I had a huge writer’s block and it was like for every inch the wall moved I could write another half of a sentence. Needless to say, I was on the verge of closing my laptop and just being done with life when the laptop glitched out and a third of my progress was deleted. That was fun.  But hey, now that I got a big project out of the way outside of tumblr, I can work more on the seven other drafts that will never be finished. Thanks for reading, hope you liked it. 

[angelgrotesque]

Plance Band/Soulmate AU (One [Pidge])

Thank you for all the kind words! I’Ve decided to write this into a whole fic :3 it’s actually my first full-length fan fiction so wish me luck! 

Pidge gasped loudly, shrieked, and hurled her book across the room, sobbing.

“How COULD you?! She loved you, but you chose HER? The ACTRESS?! The SECONDARY CHARACTER ONLY INTRODUCED FOR ROMANTIC DRAMA?! This ruins the whole story! I can’t believe it!” Pidge had recently finished reading the last installment to her favorite series, a romance drama about ghosts, murders, the living, the dead, and the recently dead. She’d enjoyed it very much until the end, having supported her ship through thick and thin, only to have it be denied by canon. Oh, well. There was always fanfiction. A low note resonated inside her head, and her ears perked up. A low hum turned her attention to the inside of her wrist.

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Pidge grinned, forgetting her now ruined book. “That’s appropriate.” She hummed the tune along as the song played in her head, meaning that somewhere, somehow, her soulmate was listening to the exact same song in real time. The words were simply the name of the song, and the name of the artist. Recently whoever it was had been listening to a lot of sad songs, and Pidge wondered what was brining them down. She’d listened to upbeat songs herself, to try to cheer up her soulmate, but every time they would put on a different, sad song loudly to overpower her happy ones. Pidge had since given up. 

Queen was quickly interrupted, leaving Pidge confused. Usually, her soulmate would finish their songs before moving on to other ones, but apparently not this time.

Voltron - Clairvoyant

Pidge furrowed her eyebrows, concentrating. The music was very odd, as if it was being sung in real time rather than being played and pre - recorded in a studio. She’d heard this type of thing before, and always just assumed her soulmate was listening to acoustic or exclusive versions of whatever song was playing. And there was a pattern - every song played was always by Voltron, the famous band that was taking the world by storm. Everyone was listening to their music, even Pidge. She’d been quite taken over by the music herself, and especially enjoyed the voice of the lead singer, whatshisface. Lou. Ling. Leon. No, wait, it was Lance. Voltron’s music wasn’t like other popular music, it was powerful and clear, like bells, much like a band her music app had recommended for her - For King And Country, but more ethereal. The guitar played lightly and in a slightly creepy undertone, not like hard rock. But what Pidge really thought the band needed was a keyboard pianist. They had Lance, the lead singer. Keith, the guitarist. Allura and Romelle, the backup vocals.Shiro, the bassist. Hunk, the drummer. Kosmo the husky, the mascot. All they really needed was the crisp electronics of a keyboard.

Pidge hadn’t heard this song before. It wasn’t bad; she liked it, but it wasn’t the band’s best work. The guitar was a little off, and the drums were just the tiniest bit off beat. Almost as if someone was practicing. Come to think of it, why hadn’t Pidge heard this song before? She had all of Voltron’s music downloaded and on a playlist that she kept on repeat, all four albums. She knew the lyrics to every single song by heart, and she would yell them as loud as she could if they came on the radio, which happened quite a bit. It would also annoy the living daylights out of her brother, Matt, but it was worth it. Annoying him was a plus.

As Pidge saw it, she was Voltron’s ultimate fangirl.

So why hadn’t she heard this song yet? And why was it so rough?

[mrsslrss]

2017

I rang in 2017 drunk and crying. I left a New Year’s Eve Party where all my friends and I drank down the clock and M and I went home, and I had been obsessed with “Love More” for a few weeks so as soon as we got back to the house I put it on over the stereo. Anyway about ten seconds in I started sobbing and I couldn’t, for the life of me, explain why. (I wasn’t even sad! It’s just such a beautiful song!) M just put his arm around me and kind of half-laughed and told me it was going to be okay in a quizzical but very convincing way and eventually I stopped crying and the song played itself out. I think that about sums it up.

Anyway I think we can all agree that 2017 was a weird year in a grand sense, which I don’t feel compelled or equipped to speak to. But it was weird in a personal sense, too. The year started in that mass of feelings for me; I dyed my hair pink; I lost someone I cared about deeply, which hurt in a place I didn’t expect or understand. The other side of that month was the Women’s March: housing twenty friends from Boston and Brooklyn and elsewhere in a spirit of earnest and viable and real solidarity that nearly broke my heart.

In the spring I worked a lot, and eventually got to travel across the country and fall in love with a couple different cities: New York (Life After Youth, celebrating my 25th); Seattle (Bois Naufrage, fancy coffee, riding the bus); Austin (freeways, rental car, KUTX, wildflowers). In the summer, Keeper put out a tape – bittersweet timing, just before Sam moved back to Texas – and I got a few days on the Cape with the crew. I worked weekends and drank green juice and read novels. In the fall I got really into that Fever Ray song and memorized the opening passage of The Argonauts and finally made it to DIA: Beacon.

Overall, I think, it’s been a head-above-water kind of year for me, where I mainly got caught in a cycle of exist-process-react-exist without creating much. I spent a lot of time thinking about my feelings but still can’t exactly mark the growth. Sometimes stillness is a sign of change, though; maybe I’ll count that one as a win. So here’s a list of 10 things (big and small!) that I saw, heard, watched, made, felt and loved in 2017, that helped me get through the year.

The Heart Season: “No”

Before this year became the kind of dumpster fire in which you hear everyday about new ways that powerful, prominent men treat the women around them terribly, The Heart was talking about consent in a genuinely nuanced, genuinely feminist way. The “No” season was four episodes long, during which host Kaitlin Prest stared down specific instances in her own life where consent’s gray area reared its fucked-up face, and explored where the experiences left her – how they influenced her sense of self, how they shaped and informed her future sexual (and non-sexual!) encounters. And then she broadened the scope, ignoring the easier narratives – “yes means yes,” “no means no,” “consent is sexy!!!!”, rhetorical devices so exhausted and exhausting – and instead asked harder, realer questions about the intersections of desire, fear, gender, pleasure, and autonomy. It gave me language I didn’t know I needed and set a model for a kind of audio storytelling I didn’t know was possible. I wish they played this at every college orientation across the country.

Turning The Tables

What if we appreciated women’s art apart from maleness entirely? What would it look like to tell the story of popular music through only women’s greatness? That was, crudely put, the mission of the list of the 150 Greatest Albums Made By Women that NPR Music published this year. Being part of this project was huge: it meant absorbing massive amounts of history, rethinking canon, getting to be an editor(!), working with some of my biggest professional idols. Mostly, though, it meant devoting much of my working life to the intersection of radical feminism and rock and roll. What a dream.

Drag

I was drawn to art that felt genuinely subversive this year, but it mainly played out in moments of surprise: disappointment from expectations I didn’t realize I held being left unmet; utter radiant joy when this need I didn’t know I had was fulfilled. Maybe the most memorable time it happened was in June, at GAY/BASH, a monthly experimental drag show in D.C. It was the first time I saw drag IRL, which would maybe have felt subversive no matter what – but probably few things would have matched watching a drag queen in a red white & blue housewife dress penetrate the eyeholes of a Trump mask with a strap-on. Incredible! Tell me you can watch that and feel unmoved. My friends and I went back to GAY/BASH every month after that. The music was always perfect: The Knife and Paramore and No Doubt and Cher, etc. But mostly what felt so powerful was the company: being in explicitly gay spaces full of gay and queer people, where abject expressions of sexuality and of gender trouble felt neither like threats nor invitations to violence.

There was also, of course, Sasha Velour, the cerebral art-queen who was crowned this year’s winner of Rupaul’s Drag Race. I saw her on tour with other season 9 queens this summer; her lip-sync of “Praying” by Kesha was perhaps, no lie, the most moving musical performance I saw in 2017. She embodied and embraced the reality so many of us face as women and queer people: victims and victors, agents and acted-on, mired in both hope and fear on a near-constant basis. It was transcendent. 

Ramen

On a less serious note, D.C. is, like many cities, in the midst of a ramen craze right now, and if I’m honest I spent an inordinate amount of the year benefiting from it! And from the fact that a few places will even deliver ramen right to your house if you have the right app! (Also, there’s a lot to be said about cultural appropriation, the devaluing of non-Western food traditions, etc. in these contexts; I am trying to keep learning and will leave the explanations to folks smarter than I.)

Tank And The Bangas

I called this band the “best band in America” all year and I meant it. Their Tiny Desk concert was both an exhale (after the stress of running the Contest itself) and an inhale (before an unrelenting and enthralling month of tour with them). I saw Tank and the Bangas perform eight times in 2017; their positivity never got stale, their exuberance never felt forced, their passion never wavered. They sound like no one else I know. Goddamn, I love this band. The best band in America!

Therapy

I went back to therapy this year after not really going since childhood but thinking about finding someone to talk to and being jealous of friends’ casual off-hand remarks about their therapists for years. I went mostly because of this thing that happened last December involving some brutal unkindness from a loved one that was so vicious yet unexpected it left me feeling startled and knocked off course, like having been shoved from a great height and, after shaking off the dust, finding myself very alone. I thought it was a minor disturbance but it actually burrowed pretty deep into me and I wound up freaked out about a bunch of stuff, so long story short: I finally found someone to talk to.

I will save my breath about how mental health care should be accessible and de-stigmatized. I will say that therapy made my year better in a lot of ways; mostly, in that I had a dedicated time and place to work, patiently, on some things that felt really paralyzing. (It also taught me some useful concepts, like the idea of psychological safety and the Buddhist teaching of the “second arrow,” which I then snuck into some of my favorite writing I did this year. Win-win.) Nothing is fixed, obviously; therapy has felt mostly like a drawn-out emotional root canal all year, which is to say, I still nurse the same ache that sent me. But I’m grateful and I am learning and it’s starting to feel less self-indulgent to want to address my bullshit. I recommend therapy to everyone! If you’re interested in talking to someone, here are some affordable resources.

Iced Americanos 

There are precious few things that get M out of bed early: the promise of imminent skiing; a genuine emergency; and coffee. I’ve relied heavily on the third one this year to squeeze in a half-hour of quality time with him before I go to the office. Listen I know this is cheesy as h*ck but it truly improves the overall quality of my day! Anyway the iced coffee at our corner coffee shop is not for me but the baristas take great care with their espresso shots so I started getting iced americanos instead and now I have been converted to an iced americano grrrl, even in winter (true to my New England roots). And a morning-coffee-with-your-boyfriend grrrl. Gross! I can’t help it.

Creative collaboration

Madeline Zappala is both a dear friend of mine and a total badass artistic inspiration to me. I was so glad she asked me to help edit her magazine, Reflections on the Burden of Men – and that she (and her co-creator, Laura) accepted a short piece I wrote about being disgusted by sexuality, or maybe more so by the insistence that women perform it for patriarchy, feeling isolated from my body, wanting to not want what I want. Editing the writing in the magazine was a dream! And watching it come together was so instructive. Go get a copy! (Or just pick up some unsolicited dick pic stickers, a real thing they made.)

2017 was a pretty exciting year for Keeper, too. Between January and August – when Sam moved back to Texas and Keeper became a project with a less coherent identity – we played amazing shows and put out a tape and met a lot of really lovely people. I learned a lot.

Female solidarity

I never got the appeal of using the phrase “work wife” to describe a lady BFF in your office before this year (too close to “girl crush,” which, I maintain, is basically homophobic; plus, who wants to replicate the capitalist heteropatriarchy of the marriage-industrial complex in your office friendships, of all places?!) but now I have two and I totally get it. There’s really something special about working alongside women like me, and having them be people who are willing to take a lunch break or walk to Starbucks (lol) so we can encourage each other through weird career stuff, or vent about male incompetence, or gush about new music, or interrogate what it means to care about feminism or justice or epistemology or whatever in 2017, which is mostly what we did. Some of the most enriching and important conversations I had this year were these; we often joked about the positions of authority we’d have, the raises we’d get, the articles we’d be assigned if only the People In Charge heard the conversations we had around cafeteria lunch tables!

Of course, there was also the mere fact of having lived with three other women throughout this year, creating a home that was a constant space for frank discussions about shared oppression; there were days of 8+ hours of GChat sessions that formed a virtual safe space; there were the year’s albums that spoke to the bizarre, incredible realities of womanhood. And all of this happening in the context of women coming forward about sexual assault, women journalists reporting on it, all of us whispering #MeToo on the internet. It was a year that, for me, fostered a consistent and palpable sense of solidarity among us. I needed it.

The “Thief” music video:  

Lastly: this is, maybe, the most wonderfully terrible music video I have ever seen. I first heard about this on the now-defunct podcast This Week Had Me Like, which I sorely miss, and now it’s rare that my housemates and I go more than a month without watching it communally. It’s histrionic in the best way, nonsensical, totally delightful. Thank you, Ansel Elgort.

[kaoruyogi]

Another Tag Meme Monsterpost

I realize I’ve been tagged in a whole bunch of stuff lately, and I mostly haven’t been doing them because I haven’t been at my computer. I also wasn’t doing them because I’ve been in a funk lately, and we had a few bad days recently. Long story short, a co-worker died unexpectedly, we adopted a puppy who had aggression issues toward our dog and we agonized over our eventual decision to give her to a local rescue, I’ve been trying to find work in Washington so we can get out of SoCal, and my parents were over (that was awesome, it just kept me away from the computer).

So, let me start by tagging everyone who tagged me. I won’t be tagging anyone to do these memes, cause that would just be cruel and most all of them have been done to death. 

@gugle1980, @ladydracarysao3, @galadrieljones, @kagetsukai, @aerismoon, @thevikingwoman, @princessvicky01​, @inner-muse, @makers-breath, and @roguelioness​. Thank you all for your tags, and sorry for the spam that is about to occur.

30 Random Things About Me Meme

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 30 people. 

Nickname: Red, Ginger, Ginge

Name: Amanda

Gender: Female

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 5′8″/173 cm

Time: 8:46 am

Birthday: October 30 

Favorite Band: At this very moment, probably Fleet Foxes, but there are too many I love to pieces for that to be anything but momentary

Favorite Solo Artist:  At this very moment, probably Andrew Bird, but there are too many I love to pieces for that to be anything but momentary

Song Stuck In My Head: Eivør - Trøllabundin

Last Movie I Watched: Dragnet

Last Show I Watched: Preacher

When Did I Create My Blog: Years ago, though I started posting in June 2016

What Do I Post: Cullen everything, fanfic, random musings...

Last Thing I Googled: 5′8″ in cm

Do You Have Other Blogs: I’m a mod for @cullen-in-command​ and I have an NSFW blog that you can ask me about if you want it

Do You Get Asks:  Occasionally

Why Did You Choose This Blog Name: It’s my tag for pretty much everything

Blogs You Are Following: 195

Followers: 1,049

Favorite Colors: Rainbow, then blue then green

Average Hours of Sleep: 4-8

Lucky Number: 17

Instruments: Voice

What Am I Wearing: Blue slouch t-shirt and black yoga pants

How Many Blankets I Sleep With: 1

Dream Job: Video gam attorney

Dream Trip: Next? Belgium to The Netherlands to Germany to Denmark to Sweden

Favorite Food: Italian or Sushi

Nationality: 98.2% Ashkenazi Jew

Favorite Song Now: I will never, ever be able to answer this question

Kissing Meme

Rules: name 10 characters you would kiss, then tag people.

Cullen Rutherford - Dragon Age

Alistair Theirin - Dragon Age

Nathan Drake - Uncharted

Joel - The Last of Us

Shadow Moon - American Gods

Zeke Tilson - The Brink (You can replace this with Mad Sweeney from American Gods if you want. It’s still Pablo Schreiber.)

Solas - Dragon Age (mostly because I’m curious?)

Blackwall - Dragon Age

The Iron Bull - Dragon Age

Knight Captain Rylen/Professor Bram Kenric - Dragon Age (I cheated)

10 Songs I’ve Been Listening To

Links are on Spotify or YouTube

Fleet Foxes - On Another Ocean (January / June)

Fleet Foxes - Kept Woman

Eivør - Mjørkaflókar

Royksopp - Forsaken Cowboy

Ludovico Einaudi - Promessa

The Rapture - In the Grace of Your Love

alt-J - 3WW

Joshua Messick - Woodland Dance

Gorillaz feat. De La Soul - Momentz

Thomas Newman - Accidental Happiness (from the “Passengers” score)

10 Questions Meme (from @thevikingwoman​ and @galadrieljones​)

1. Dream car? 

Audi R8

2. Favorite animated movie? 

Wall-E

3. Something you really want to learn to do? 

Fly helicopters and speak every language

4. What is your eye color? 

Hazel

5. A fanfic you wish someone else would write (any fandom)? 

I don’t really have anything i wish someone else would write. I like to write my own ideas.

6. If you could undo one historical event, what would it be, and how would you think the world would be different. 

I don’t believe in changing the past. The human race as a whole is incapable of learning unless it learns from its own mistakes.

7. When playing games, which class do you usually pick? Do you have a go-to class (mage/archer/healer/stealth/melee/etc)

I usually go with mages or something that can do long-rage damage, though if I’m clunky enough at a game, I usually pick something I can use to get up close and bash shit with.

8. Place you think everyone should visit, if they can?

The place they want to go most. Everyone is different, but everyone has someplace they’d like to go.

9. Video game character you would like to go drinking with?

I don’t drink, but I’d love to see the DA:I crew cut loose.

10. Favorite breakfast? 

Eggs Benedict with Cheesy Hashbrowns

1. Favorite small town? Real or fictional.

Whitefish, Montana

2. Video game or DLC you’re most looking forward to right now? (sans DA4)

Besides DA4...ummm...The Last of Us 2

3. Favorite fictional world? (i.e.: Middle Earth, Thedas, etc.) Why?

Thedas, cause it’s beautiful and complex, and Cullen lives in it.

4. Where/what was the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had? If you don’t drink coffee, what’s the best meal you’ve ever head?

That’s a really hard question. I’ve had amazing steak in Paradise, California. I’ve had amazing fish n’ chips and king crab in Alaska. I’ve had amazing sushi in the Tsukiji Fish Market in Tokyo. I’ve had amazing food down the street and on the other side of the world. I just love food.

5. Where/when do you do your best daydreaming?

Whenever and wherever I’m supposed to be doing something else.

6. Favorite TV show right now?

This is also a super hard question. I love Game of Thrones, I really enjoyed the first seasons of American Gods, A Handmaid’s Tale, and Harlots, Insecure is a guilty pleasure...the list goes on and on.

7. Is your canon Inquisitor reluctant about their power, or do they embrace it full-force, or something in-between? 

Something in-between.

8. What’s the best purchase you’ve ever made?

It might fall somewhere between my engagement ring (my husband and I split the cost) and my first law school book. Hopefully soon it’ll be a house.

9. Favorite or go-to clothing brand/designer/store?

Target. All day. It sounds silly, but they actually have really good quality, versatile clothes that I really like.

10. Are there any popular TV or video game character arcs that really bother you? How would you change them, if you could?

I get annoyed and bothered by a lot of characters, but I wouldn’t necessarily change them. They are who they were intended to be, and it’s not my place to say they are right or wrong.

15 Associations Meme: Belle

Rules: Repost and fill in the answers you most associate your character with to each question.

1. ANIMAL: Fox

2. COLOR(S): Rainbow

3. MONTH: October

4. SONG(S):   The Maccabees - WWI Portraits (these lyrics aren’t the complete verse, and they’ll read a bit disjointed at the start and end)

A go-getter, go-getter You’re the best of all You’ve seen it four, five hundred times on repeat You’re like a leftover better than a ribbon-tied treat Narrow roads, never limit, never temper your speed And when the river froze solid you’re still swimming upstream You’d hold your own in the presence of pauper and a king Leave a singing bird silent, make a hummingbird sing You are a rope-a-doper coming back queen

5. NUMBER: 17

6. DAY OR NIGHT: Night

7. PLANT(S): Hydrangeas, Coniferous Trees

8. SMELL(S): Pears, Peaches, Lilies, Garlic/Basil/Oregano Trifecta

9. GEMSTONE: Opal

10. SEASON: Autumn

11. PLACE(S): Skyhold, The Emerald Graves (once she finally goes (if ever))

12. FOOD(S): Pasta and Sushi, but in Thedas, Roasted Duck or a Ham and Cheese Sandwich

13. ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Scorpio

14. ELEMENT(S): Fire, Water

15. DRINK(S): Water, Fruit Juice

[moonisneveralone]

Okay guys I really stopped watching for a while. For three weeks I couldn't take it. I think I didn't bother watching when 2B started, but BOY DID THEY TURN IT AROUND. These last episodes were fire. The characters really got to shine. Let's start with my underapreciated fave Maia. Cause remember how 2A treated her? With seemingly nobody caring for her? Well Luke confronted the Seele Queen, made her beta and she really asserted herself. She's valuable to her friends and her pack a well deserved season regular. Artists? Don't forget her in your art. Izzy. I really did not like her yin fen stiryline, but she came back tougher and more loving than ever. Her heart is still one of her biggest qualities and it's been so beautiful to watch her grow from her addiction. Simon my poor baby. He's really been through it. And he's now really aware that being a daylighter isn't only a blessing. He really deserved some happiness and it was nice to see him and Maia two very complicated people with complicated lives try and work out a way to be together. The seelie queen truly ruins all. Luke beautiful alpha Luke. He also really went through it this season, but it brought him and Maia closer. He's on top of dynamics changing out of necessity, but also out of what is right. He's established his loyalties to the downworld again and seems to be implementing new rules to ensure the survival of the downworld. He's really become a loyal, loving and even quite patient leader. It was so nice to see him happy and tipsy. And Fuck you ollie for ruining that and apparently continuing to in season 3. Alec. He went through such a growth. Especially with the last episode and seeing how far the Circle infiltrated the Clace the presence of a character like Alec is so welcome. Of course Izzy too, but Alec is the head of the Institute who's explicitly tried to build relationships between the Institute an the downworld leaders. To restore the peace and ensure nothing like that can be repeated it's important that the Clace follows suit. And despite what we said all these last weeks fighting the downworld and valentine at once would have been impossible. Alec was in an impossible situation but every single downworlder still had the right to feel betrayed, because they weren't given a chance to protect themselves or to choose what to do. We've also seen what one Seelie could do with revenge in mind a downworlder revolt was a big risk. Alec made a complicated decision and in this case luckily it turned out alright. But I think he's learned that with their responsibilities honesty is important and effort as he once said himself. Magnus really went through the wringer this season. With the body swap and the resulting trauma. I understand he clutched at the one thing that was true. The one thing that was pure and honest. Alec's honesty was important to him, because he had showed him he weaknesses and Alec had accepted them. So if he could lie to him about one thing was he lying about everything else? And it wasn't just one enemy it was Valentine, the reason he got tortured, the one who had killed his people who Magnus swore to protect and somehow everytime he thought it had been over things got worse. The sword was honestly just the final straw and Magnus put his walls up hard. He's got such a soft spot for Alec though it's beautiful and Alec is working hard to be deserving. Just as Magnus is letting Alec in trying hard to be open. Malecs last kiss was so soft and beautiful. It was full of promises to put in the effort needed to make it work and it was so intimate. All in all I think the reason why it got better is that in part they definitely listened to fandom complaints. As a creator feedback is important. You can't always account for everything so listening to what your viewers want can be inspiring and helpful. The other thing is that they took the time pressure out. 2A was so fast every episode spanning about a day our even only a couple of hours. That takes a lot of development away. 2B was much slower allowing for complicated themes to be discussed and handled well. At the moment Malec is my favourite canon ship, in how Harry and Matt play them, how they're written and in the way they are being developed. It's been really nice to watch. I didn't have much to say about clary and jace but if anyone wants to add they can.

[evangelineartemiasamos]

Red Queen Fan Fiction Black Storm Extra: Harvest Moon part I

as I’ve mentioned in this post, this is the continuation of The Fitter.

Find this on wattpad

info dump on original characters you will need this I guess.

part I

part II

part III

part IV

part V

part VI

part VII

part VIII

part IX

part X

part XI

part XII

part XIII

part XIV

part XV

part XVI

part XVII

part XVIII

part XIX

part XX

I've put this piece together finally. I've tried to include some canon characters to make it make relatable, but it's mostly about my original characters. I'll write a second part that will go to the really dark places of Cassie’s heart. A great literary classic is referred to at some points and if you know the book, you might guess which one.

I promise you, no King’s Cage spoilers in here.

Cassandra POV

I've been called many names. I prefer Queen of Limbs, for the sheer audacity of it, but I remember the other ones very well too.

Commoner. Bastard. Bitch. Sometimes even worse names.

There are still people who call me those names, but I smile and shrug them off nowadays, gestures I've learned form my Mother early on. Be stoic or smile. I know better than to be offended by things that are true, I remind myself. I don't have to be ashamed. The power is with me, not them. They can't hurt me, they can't make me scared, and I've been beyond fear and intimidation for a long time.

I am afraid of nothing.

The reason for this is simple: Shit has happened to me, too often and too bad, and yet I have survived and persisted. Most of these unsavoury experiences were my own damn faults, rooted in several bad decisions I've made again and again. Besides that one event, of course, but that's an entirely different story.

Now I look at Mare Barrow, fractured and taking all the blame in the world on herself and I wonder if we should share our stories to determine the not-winner in making bad decisions. I waive the thought with a smirk. That would be just another dangerous idea of mine. "Give her some chance of socializing, Miss Griffey," the king has told me, adressing me like commoner and not as an officer of his, as usual. But the longer I spend time with her, the harder it becomes not to see myself in her. Our wounds may be different, but they are still present. Invisible to those who've never felt them, but festering if ignored and untreated.

She has given me other names - Monster, beast, dog. I'm not injured, as those are other true facts, and I prefer people to be scared of me.

I can't hate such a person as Mare Barrow. I can't bring myself to hate any Reds, not when it's Silvers who have marginalized and ridiculed me half my life. Though one Red was just like them, or even worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Samson Merandus waits a day before he storms into my room at night, grinning. I only turn my head on his entry, saying nothing. "You've promised me a bout, Cassandra," he drones eventually.

"In here?" I tease. "Hmm, what kind of bout do you have in mind, I wonder?" I know he's angry about me dragging him out of Barrow's cage, despite the royal order to keep him out of her head. But he doesn't admit it. Instead, he takes it out on me who has defeated him numerous times at our First Friday duels. It's a good training, for both of us, but I'm not sure the audience can gather much from our matches that take place mostly in out minds. Who gains control? Who strikes first? Who can block the opponent better? Samson can't make me use my ability according to his wishes which gives me an advantage, but he can make me freeze nonetheless, hoping to use my weapons against me and letting me sink into my own nightmares.

But I don't have nightmares, not anymore. And I won't ever me afraid of myself.

"Interesting that you bring this up, Cassandra," Samson says, coming closer. He touches a tress of my hair and I shudder in disgust. That's not his place. I spin around, shoving him back so fast that he almost drops on his butt.

I tilt my head. "If you insist."

Our minds clash like rain in a storm, spiralling in my head, searching for my fears and wishes. I show him what he wants to see, facts that he's known for a long time, that make him believe his toxic desire for me has any hope for fulfillment. I don't try to use my ability on him, that close to my mind he would probably notice it. Instead, I kick into his stomach and sent him flying. But I've been too slow tonight. He manages to gain control of my body as I rotate, erasing the next seconds from my memory. I hear myself groan and I find myself beneath him, pinned on my bed. He laughs.

"What about another kind of bout?" he sneers.

My eyes narrow. "No."

"But Cassandra, I know -"

"You don't want me. Not for real. You're ashamed of desiring me, because the whole court would laugh at you if you were to 'love' the barren commoner girl. Instead you want to vanquish me, making me your puppet and your harlot, to show that all your prior losses were intentional. You can't stop seeking me out, not while I am the better of the two of us, not when I've shared a bed with so many other men, who you deem lesser that yourself."

"I dare you," he threatens, but it means nothing to me.

"I could kill you in a second, and you know it." I manage to shrug despite my fixed position. My mind attacks his body, stinging into five different, sensitive places. He grimaces, and I cackle. "What? Don't tell you are afraid of me? You know what that means." His grip lessens, and with another wave of power and a shove with my knee, he gets off me, even taking a few steps back.

"Oh my," I purr, "How can you ever defeat me if you fear me? All you have against me are my own fears, and well. I don't have any." I shake my head as he regains his composure.

"Too bad the king has so much use for you. I'd love to see your dying face," I gloat.

I see a vein twitching on his brow. "I will get to Barrow, sooner or later. Don't think you can command me," he exclaims, trying to dodge the discussion we've had a moment ago. He slams the door even louder than upon entering.

I sigh, sinking to my knees. I brush over the new wrinkles in my dress. No reason not to go to the party as planned. Even though they always feel lonely and boring, with Firebird away at Corvium, and no boyfriend to attend it with me. Lucas Samos has been the last one. I broke up with him in June, and now he is dead. I mourn his demise. At least he shouldn't have died with heartache, even though my feelings for him never equaled his for me. And maybe I would've been able to protect him from the dangerous company of Mare Barrow. But I'm not any better, am I? I cannot but feel impressed my her.

I command the Lightning Girl out of my head and look at Mother's portrait on the wall, painted by my brother Roman. He's better than all those jerks at court, myself included. He has an artist's soul, and he uses his seer ability to create things. Such as this picture, capturing our mother not in her beautiful youth, or her arrogant glory, but in her frustration, sinking down in her chair behind her desk, her face fallen and frowning. It's one of the truest and most beautiful things I've ever seen, at least in Whitefire Palace.

I shake my head and rise. I walk to the mirror, combing though my disheveled hair and look into my mismatched eyes, black and silver, contemplating my features. Cattish, angular, and pale, so unlike anyone else in my family. They remind everyone that I am not like my mother and brothers, that I'm not a noble but a mistake with mud-coloured hair. I've heard a lot of gossip and insults directed at me, some people have even made up the dirtiest rumours about who might be my father, although our similar appearance belies all those ideas instantly. Naturally, those Silvers have never laid eyes on my father, a commoner musician. Even though we meet rarely, I listen to his songs, to forget those nonsense I hear from the courtiers, which I will certainly encounter on this evening.

Before I turn away, I throw a glance at the sentinel's masklike helmet resting on my vanity. It reflects my features almost as clearly as the mirror. I smile grimly. I've realized my decision to join the sentinels wasn't a good idea the moment I've held the helmet in my hands for the first time. I have to wear that mask to turn myself into a faceless, anonymous threat. I've guessed that made sense, but I've learned better quickly. It's not about being a terror to eventual enemies to the throne, this is about the sentinels themselves, about me and my very own existence.

The mask is to hide my face and my true identity. It is to veil my birth and who I am. A sentinel is a puppet on strings and the idea fills me disgust, now and then. I've swallowed my resentment time and time again, to become the soldier the king wants, since I've been thirteen. My ability was developing quicker than usual, and the training as a royal guard seemed like the most logical way to lift me up from my commoner status.

My powers had shown themselves early, when I was five years old. That might have been the nail in my coffin. Despite the Arven diviner, an old man able the determine a Silver's ability, who had proclaimed me a telky as a baby, my mother must have continued to hope that I'd be like her, a shadow. Inheritance of the maternal talent wasn't that rare in her bloodline. I would still have been a bastard, but a noble one, a daughter bearing the name of House Haven. But I was a commoner telky like my dad, to be forever belittled for that. So be it. That didn't make me a failure by itself. I noticed that though I was weaker than the noble telkies, I was the better fighter in all other aspects. Because they were all idiots. While I developed the most subtle control of my ability and learned everything about the human body to kill and hurt with few strikes, the scions of House Provos had no fucking idea how to employ their ability in the most effective way. They made a huge show out of it instead. I could still laugh at them. They didn't use weapons, or the objects around them, but their minds alone. They heaved their oppenents into the air, expecting the confusing lack of gravity to be startling enough to make them yield. As if.

I've honed my mind and my body into fatal weapons. Any matter owned allegiance to me. I am the Queen of Limbs and I've obtained that nom du guerre with sweat, blood and more broken bones than I can count. Bones of me and others. I've faced the goddess of death and survived.

Though my military career would have been only part of the plan. The easiest way would have been to get some noble to marry me, so I'd give birth to his heir, and possibly have a child with my own ability. My mother would go begging to the king to legitimate me and I would become the foundress of the High House Griffey.

What an awfully naive dream.

By now, I appreciate the impossibility of that ever happening, of being barren instead of a broodmare. I had to find my worth within myself, in my strength, my ability and my perseverance. Through my compassion and blatant ignorance of the opinion of others. I am the better me this way. And the man I love can't have children with me anyway. A Red and a Silver can't have children together, so it's said, and it isn't like such relationships are accepted in the Nortan court. That's what I've thought, at least.

But honestly, I don't give a damn about that. I've done that once, and look where that has gotten me. I excel at making bad decisions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the story of Cassandra Griffey who wants her boyfriend back but who doesn't dare to tell him that as she was the one to break up with him because her mum has told her to and she has obliged - what a fool - and either way, he has been dating her cousin in the meantime - five years - while she, Cassandra, has, well, been fucking around with enough guys to be known as a harlot.

This sums it up quite accurately, It's what I tell myself when I doubtand wish. Not that it helps. Reminding myself of those facts only binds me tighter in an unbearable situation. While this also means to disregard numerous other, beautiful memories. Like love. Like talking to the person who knows your secrets because you don't have to hide them from him like from everyone else. Like not even needing to talk in some moments because our intimacy is bigger than our rifts. Breaking up with Sorata Ives left me in a abyss. But he's always, always on my mind. I am him, and I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've known Sorata Ives for as long as I can remember. Meaning, I saw him for the first time when I was about three years old, as were he and Lacey. She was still "Lacey" at that time, not "Firebird". Sorata was the one who came up with that. Back then, Mother and her brother Jin Ventos, Lacey's father, had brought Sorata's mother Mrs. Ives to Jin's mansion. Jin and Mother have spent a lot of time together in our childhoods, as Jin's wife had just died and the idea of letting their daughters grow up together seemed more than merely practical. Which is was, as my cousin and I were fast friends, as we are until now, despite all the strains challenging our connection.

When she was little, Lacey looked even more like a bird, with her aquiline nose, her delicate limbs, and her black hair shimmering like unruly feathers in flight. Of course she sang back then, too, as she always had. Her father thought music was the right way to distract her from her mother's demise, and he and Mother recognized Mrs. Ives, whom they had seen performing in a high class etablishment, to be the perfect teacher. I guess that was true, but after a few years, Mrs. Ives gave less and less of her time to the Ventos', and started to cling to my mother. Something dark and strange connected them and they saw it in each other. Nowadays, Mrs. Ives follows Mother like a living shadow, a beautiful flower blooming at night. She appears like the most loyal servant and I wonder if there's more to that, as it's certainly not love.

But, back to the beginning. Soon, Mrs. Ives started to live with us in the Ventos country home, a Silver vacation far off from the cities but frequented by the high-and-mighty. The Red had brought her son along, of course.

He was just as little as Lacey and me. He should have stayed with the servants, for a ton of reasons. But he didn't. He looked at Lacey and me and smiled. Where we went, he came with us. He played what we played and we didn't ask questions, not as long as nobody else did. And they did not, which might have been to their chagrin in hindsight. Naturally, our nannies Ellen and Laura were more occupied with my disabled brother Hagen, unless we had any lessons of which Sorata didn't stay away either. Mother spent most of ther quality time with Roman, her eldest and obvious favourite, while giving me my cuddlings on an almost regular schedule. Not that I felt unloved by her. But I was still the outsider, like Sorata who clinged to me just like Lacey who had a desperate need for a friend.

I couldn't leave either to their own devices, I never could. And Sorata didn't let go of either of us. There were barely any other children, apart from my much older brothers, and those brought along by their Silver parents were usually way too old to bother with girls in our age. They probably didn't even notice, in their smugness of being deemed reasonable enough to accompany their parents to the conferences in Jin's hotel, that the daughters of the house were best friends with a Red boy.

But we had no idea that this wasn't the way for Silver children to grow up. We were cuddled and spoilt, and encouraged to seek hobbies and education instead of being broken like horses. I know now that neither my mother nor my uncle could stand harshness, even though they were strict in their own ways. Until I was nine years old, I saw Mother only on weekends or whenever she found the time to visit the country home. Much less I'd seen my father, removed from our home when I was six months old.

But my mother and my uncle were different nonetheless. They'd grown up with a mother suffering from manic-depression, and they were well aware of the difference between having power and feeling powerless, and the truth that you could be both at the same time. Even more so after my aunt had died.

People say that I'm just a mistake of my mother. But she has never made me feel that way. Whenever I've thought myself worthless, it's been my own insecurity, a state my mother is loath to encourage. She wants me to be happy. Thus, she merely smiled, an honest amusement for instance, when she observed us kids.

One day, I threw foliage into the air for Lacey to incite. I kept the fiery leaves afloat, surrounding her, so she truly looked like a burning bird in flight as she either sang or laughed, until Sorata stated the obvious.

"You're the Firebird," he said, in awe of our abilities, and the name stuck. Sorata and I called Lacey nothing else for a week, until our servants and single parents noticed this and agreed with smiles in their eyes.

Hagen had known of the name before, of course. That evening, he whispered to me to come closer. He brushed my arm as he said, "I could barely wait to start calling her Firebird, too." He was unable to see my bafflement, but he must have guessed. He shrugged and the amusement fell from his face. He was 14 then, and frustration ruled him. Still does. Some Silvers regarded him as less than a commoner, like a different kind of Red, but they still craved his ability, gazing into the dreams of people that showed him the past, present and, if he wished, the future. Only our mother gathered intelligence from him, apart from what he chose to tell us, his family and friends. As far as I knew, he didn't resent his ability itself. But it was what made him blind. Some part of his brain was different, the healers had claimed, the same part that created the visions of the usual Eagrie eyes. It was nothing they could handle, and I wasn't not sure that Hagen even wanted that on most days, as blindness was all he knew. Sometimes Mother blamed herself and Edward, Hagen's deceased father. It was known that shadows and eyes were complementary powers, like burners and nymphs. Powers that clashed, and their union created something new, though not to Hagen's benefit. But Mother would ruin anyone who dared to accuse her or insult her son.

He had to deal with his disabilty by himself, still. And he was loath to be treated like anyone less than we were. He laughed when he thought of his sister and cousin being best friends with a Red boy. Silver attitudes meant nothing to him, and I guessed his dreams revealed to him enough secrets to realize the cesspit the Nortan court truly was.

In hindsight, we lived in our very own paradise of rocks and valleys, of heath and hot springs. There was a wilderness inside of us that always craved for more, a yearning that could not be stilled by anything other that the purity and peace of nature itself and the lights we saw in each other.

That's nostalgia, of course. But I didn't forget the face of my visting uncle Henry when he saw Sorata and me, covered in dirt and scratches all over our bodies. Distaste. I forgot what we had done, not after my uncle scolded his brother and sister for their neglect of their daughters. His apprehension had to be based in fear, I think now, as Henry, a gay man, wasn't himself the epitome of Silver conformity. Jin and Mother just shrugged, in the end. No one told Mother what to do.

Yet soon came the time that Lacey, my brothers and I were required to accompany her to court, to gather the useful connections, that meant potential spouses, and proper friends in the meantime. As if those courtiers could be called friends. They never treated me as such, of course, and Firebird would not be friends with anyone but me or Sorata. To her, being a lady and the heir to her house meant turning her debut a fashion show. If the others nobles were superficial, she would be even more so, giving away nothing of herself. She was even better than Mother in that game of pretending and fake smiles.

Though it wasn't a game for Sorata and his mother. They worked as Mother's assistants in the secret service which she leaded in all but name as the department was naturally headed by the mindfucker Merandus Queen. They were lackeys, wearing a livery and Red fabrics to display their status. Any close contact with Sorata turned both him and me into targets. Me for sneers, him for punishments. I would've liked to distribute some punishments on my own, but that was for later.

I endured the pretends, the taunts and the lies for a few years, slowly realizing my ability was the only attribute I had to offer to promote myself. I saw other Silver children dragged of to the Lakelands war, the same arrogant little boys and girls who had hit me just a days ago, or the crown prince who was just a week older than me. Their bragging vanished from their faces the moment they recognized the significance of becoming soldiers. They would represent their familes, they would gather medals and victories and they were truly and utterly horrified by that prospect. They tried to hide it, but it was undeniable upon their return that they weren't children any longer. They had tasted blood for the first time. And so did I, in my twelth summer. It was Mother's glorious idea, a thrust far off from the known battle lines at the choke to stab the Lakelanders in their heartland.

"We could end this," she declared to me proudly and I knew what she meant. I hated it at court, yet I would not leave like a coward, or start living my estranged father. To be honest, I wanted power and strength, like all Silvers, if only to live by my own rules. I was twelve years old and promises of changing the world for good were all I wanted to hear.

"Then I will do as you command, Mum. I'll fight your battle."

What a fool I was.

Commentary:

These two gif capture Cassandra just perfectly.

That is the first part. The book I'm referring to is "Wuthering Heights". At first, I went for a fairy tale retelling with Lacey as Snow White and Cassandra as Cinderella falling in love with a stable boy instead of the prince, but after watching another terrible film adaptation of "Wuthering Heights", I realized that, verdammte Axt, Catherine, Heathcliff and Isabella are my own babies Cassie, Sorata and Firebird - to a part of course. Firebird is as Isabella should have been. Thus I started to make the references more obvious. And savage. I think I've stayed to true to a first person narrator by giving Cassandra such a unique voice shifting between elaborate and foul-mouthed expressions.

I hope you understand the story. Ask me if you don't get something, I love to talk. I struggled a lot with putting the parts together and finding the right tense at the right moments. Sorry that I use Lucas like that, but it helps me to insert canon characters instead of making everyone up.

@maudthebookeater @queenmareena @dewydrael @lilyharvord @redqueenfandom @the-little-lightning-queen