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caelum-in-the-avatarverse · 6 months ago

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Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available.

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community.

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company?

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists.

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits.

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people.

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it.

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

#ao3 #lore.fm #fanfiction #fandom history #gift economy #caelum rambles

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topazadine · 3 months ago

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Writing Post Masterlist

All my posts about writing - plus some I absolutely loved by other writers.

Masterlists by Other People (all good)

"Writing Tips Masterpost" by @deception-united - Deception-United has an incredibly wealth of resources available, far more comprehensive and detailed than mine. Go check it out!

"WQA Post Master Lists" by @writingquestionsanswered - Another fantastic and wonderfully comprehensive resource that covers damn near everything you need to know about writing. Genuinely one of the best free resources on writing that you could find on the internet.

General Advice for a Happy Writing Life

"The Myth of the Martyr Artist" - An incredibly important post, perhaps my most important one ever, that discusses why mental illness is a burden, not a benefit. I have no idea why this even needs to be said, but it does, apparently.

"Building Self-Esteem as a Writer" - Why you gotta be nice to yourself. You gotta.

"Identifying bad writing advice" - Warning signs that the post you are reading kinda sucks and you should click off.

"Advice to Beginner Writers: The Good, the Bad, and the Unpleasant" - How long it takes to become a good writer, what to focus on when learning, and why fanfic is such a useful tool.

"Mindset Shifts: Fanfiction -> Original Fiction" - What fanfic writers should know about deciding to take on original characters and stories.

"Defeating Protracted Writer's Block" - What to do when you find it impossible to write for days, weeks, or months at a time.

"Five Common Anxieties of Newbie Writers, Demystified" - Explorations of five mindsets that can set younger writers back as they learn their craft, including overcompetitiveness, overdescribing, and fearing they're "too old."

"Good Motivations for Continuing to Write" - Why it is crucial to have a passion for writing beyond fame and fortune.

"Extremely controversial writing opinions that will make you mad (but I'm going to say them anyway)" - Things you really don't want to hear, but need to be said. A bit of tough love, including the insignificance of ideas, the cold hard truth about how non-writers react to your writing, and the essentiality of having a well-rounded life.

"Why Mindfulness Is a Key Practice for Writers" - On the need to slow down and let our brain rest - plus some options that are categorically not sitting there in dead silence (boring).

"Writing When Happy" - Wherein I hijack someone's question to discuss the Myth of the Martyr Artist, why we might self-limit because of it, and how to do the impossible: write when we're happy.

"The Neurodivergent Writer’s Guide to Fun and Productivity" by @bookishdiplodocus - Excellent advice on how enjoying the process and reminding yourself that writing is supposed to be fun can help you stay motivated and productive, even when your brain is not cooperating.

"The Glorification of Self-Deprecation in Art/Writing Spaces" by @nicolkoutoulakiauthor - I've discussed before how crucial it is to have a healthy self-esteem when writing, but Nicol does it even better here. Nicol also includes some excellent reframing tactics so you can stay motivated.

Generalish Writing Advice (multifactorial)

"Signs That You Will Probably Finish Your Writing Project" - An analysis of the mindset that leads to results, and encouragement on how to develop them.

"'How Do I Start Writing?'" (Or; A Psychoanalysis of Newbie Writer Fears) - Inspired by the dozens of Reddit posts that ask this exact same thing, often with useless responses. So why do people ask this? I offer my theory.

"I Can Think of Ideas But Can't Write Them!" - A consideration of the many reasons you might find it difficult to get started on your precious idea-baby.

"How to elevate your writing style with 6 simple hacks" - Information about how to develop a prettier prose style, catch errors, develop good dialogue, and focus on brevity.

"How to improve your writing style : a 5-steps guide" by @writer-logbook - Especially great information on why reading widely is so helpful for your craft!

"Some Writing Advice" by @whispers-whump - Especially great discussion of why you shouldn't write what you mean.

"Practical Writing Advice Part 2" by @so-many-ocs - Does what it says on the tin. Simple, easy-to-follow advice that can break you out of writer's block.

"25 Prose Tips for Writers" by @thewriteadviceforwriters - I absolutely love the emphasis on sound and harmony here. As someone whose entire book series revolves around the magic of poetry, of course I think this is incredibly important advice!

"Pacing and Show Don't Tell" by @mylordshesacactus - Two for one deal! First, learn more about why pacing is important; then, look at some examples of the classic advice "show, don't tell." The post does a great job on breaking down what show don't tell actually means and what is not a violation of this guideline so that newer writers aren't confused.

Writing tools

"How to Build a Sustainable Writing Habit Through SCIENCE (Fuck Off, NaNoWriMo)" - Why NaNoWriMo doesn't actually motivate young writers and how to do better through a spreadsheet (yes, really, a spreadsheet). It also explains the importance of intrinsic motivation!

"'I've Outlined Too Much and Now I Can't Write!' (Or: the Double Outline Method for Overanxious Plotters)" - Some of us tend to go absolutely ham on our outlines, to the point where they're practically their own books. But then we also tend to not actually do the writing attached to said outline. Does this mean outlining is useless? Of course not. My method lets you have your outline and eat it too. (.... Wait.)

"'How Do I Make Myself Start Writing?' (Tips to Get the Damn Thing Done) - In this post, I provide a step-by-step guide to start writing, including a few tools to help improve motivation and concentration.

"How to Write Faster (And, Hopefully, Better Too)" - Eliminating distractions and forcing your brain to write is key to getting more done. Here, I explain how you might be limiting yourself by too much thinking and not enough doing.

Worldbuilding

"Stop Making Everything So Damn Complicated!" - Why fantasy (and scifi) does not need to be dizzyingly intricate to be enjoyable.

"How to Kick Ass at Worldbuilding" - I offer some suggestions on how to create a grounded and interesting world that will not bore your readers, based on real life examples.

"Grounded vs. Airy Fantasy" by @aethersea - Excellent breakdown of different levels of groundedness in fantasy and why it's important to understand your own approach.

"Fantasy Guide to Building a Culture" by @inky-duchess - Thorough and methodical analysis of what can create a compelling fantasy culture, including those things that many fail to think about when writing.

"Writing tip - Research" by @pygmi-cygni - Fantastic assessment of the importance of research, including for fantasy stories. As Pygmi-Cygni said, a lot of people claim that they don't need to do any research for fantasy novels, which isn't true! Any parallels to IRL need to be realistic, or you will lose credibility.

Plotting

"How to Use Chomolungma for Writing Adventure Stories; Or, the Plot Mountain Method" - If you're sick of saving felines who should really figure their own shit out, it's time to head to Plot Mountain. In this post, I offer you an alternative to the formulaic "Save the Cat" and "Hero's Journey" which also incorporates tension, characterization, and forward momentum.

"Avoiding Melodrama In Your Writing" - The most annoying all things: melodrama. My least favorite thing. Do not do it. I will show you how.

"How to Find a Plot When All You Have is Characters and Setting" by @rheas-chaos-motivation - This is a common problem for many writers, when you have cool characters or an intriguing setting. This short post can help you kickstart your ideas for how to create an intriguing plot that has built-in tension.

Description

"Remembering Perspective When Writing Descriptions" - Key factors to think about when describing other characters or settings from your POV.

"Description, Momentum, and Tension; Or, How Not to Bore a Reader" - Why, when, and where to put description so that people don't skip over it. Hopefully.

"Writing Notes: Seasons" - Each season has both benefits and downsides. In this post, we look at the negatives and positive aspects of each so you can decide how a particular season may strengthen your themes - plus some descriptions to help inspire you.

"Writing Advice: Spicy Mundanity" - Wherein I explain how to stop having boring descriptions by packing in characterization.

"How to Write Smut?" by @unfriendlywriter - Wonderful examples of how to write heartstopping smut.

"How to pull off descriptions" by @fictionstudent - Fictionstudent has a ton of great posts, both about film analysis and about the art of writing. I especially liked this one because it discusses how important perspective is for descriptions and the importance of filling in the details as a character would rather than just throwing it all at the reader at one time.

"How to avoid White Room Syndrome" by @writerthreads - Fantastic and focused advice on how to ensure you're offering readers just enough setting to help them envision the world.

Characterization

"Writing Relatable Characters; Or, Using Human Failures to Your Advantage" - Explaining how you can use character flaws and human needs to create a relatable character. Also explains the basic development of a plot, which is about equilibrium.

"How NOT to Write a Character" - Wherein I give you some examples of annoying characters we want to punt off a cliff so you can watch yourself.

"Writing Strong Female Characters" - Why you should give your female characters a secret goal, as well as how to avoid common 'strong female' stereotypes.

"Writing Compelling Trauma in Fiction: Dos and Don'ts" - How to avoid melodrama and create intriguing emotional wounds for characters.

"Quality Assurance Checks for Character Development" - Thought exercises that can help you differentiate characters, prune down unnecessary characters, develop true chemistry between LI and MC, and avoid having too many POVs.

"Developing Character Agency (Or; Cutting the Plot Strings)" - A discussion of character agency and how to ensure your characters are not bound by the narrative.

"Writing Notes: Thought Distortions" by @literaryvein-reblogs - Some psychological concepts you can use in your writing to add depth to characters.

"Questions about your character’s perspective on love and relationships" by @luna-azzurra - Excellent questions that can help you delve into your character's attachment style, what baggage they may bring to a current relationship, and how to create conflict through mentality.

"How to Write a Confession of Love," also by luna-azzurra - Perfect discussion of how to create tension, the utility of setting, not making it perfect, and including the other character's response.

Revisions

"Common Writing Issues that Reduce Readability" - Examples of fixes for four common issues: double describing, long sentences, overexplaining, and head hopping.

"How to Avoid Purple Prose" - A critical part of the revision process is making sure your writing is clear and balanced. In this post, I show a blatant example of purple prose and provide suggestions on how to make a more elegant passage.

"Differential Diagnosis When Your Writing Is Getting Worse" by @ariaste - Fantastic explanation by a professional writer about why you might feel like your writing is getting worse and what to do about it.

"How to Make Your Writing Less Stiff Part 3" by @physalian - Physalian's whole blog has some excellent advice, so definitely give it a look!

"How to Improve Your Writing" - Also by literaryvein-reblogs, this offers some excellent exercises to help with sentence-level issues, such as modifiers, parallelism, and details.

Publishing

"How to promote your book online : a discussion about social media (and few tips)" by writer-logbook - Great tips about how to get more interest in your book. I especially enjoyed the emphasis on patience and consistency. Writer-logbook has some excellent info overall about the nitty-gritty of writing, so I definitely recommend poring through their blog in general. (That's why they're included here twice!)

"A masterclass in how not to market your books, in one singular tweet" - Wherein I help you derive lessons from an abysmal tweet by an author.

"Mistakes I Made When Self-Pubbing My First Book (Part 1: Mindset Edition)" - I talk about how being delulu is not the solulu, that yes marketing is important (even if it is horrible), and how a bit of self-confidence can go a long way.

"Mistakes I Made When Self-Pubbing My First Book (Part 2: Presentation Edition)" - Graphics and covers and blurbs! Learn about them. Do not do what I did.

"Mistakes I Made When Self-Pubbing My First Book (Part 3: Ads and Reviews Edition)" - Why you have to get reviews. You gotta. And you gotta demand them. Shake those reviews out of your readers. You'll thank me later.

Specific Research Advice

"Assassination Methods Through the Decades: A Writer’s Handbook" by @hayatheauthor - A thorough review of different assassination methods, including a section discussing common assassination methods by region!

"How to Write Someone in a Wheelchair" - A group effort! This is a reblog chain discussing body language in manual wheelchairs, the mechanics of power wheelchairs, wheelchair propulsion methods, and a reminder that just because someone is in a wheelchair doesn't mean they can't walk short distances.

"Writing Research Notes: Caves" - Oh caves how I love them. Caves. Let me tell you about them if you want to write about caves. Blessed.

"Writing Research Notes: Horses" - A beginner's guide to horse mindsets, whether horses like working, approaching horses, how to ride, and tips on training.

"Writing Research Notes: Bipolar Disorder" - Written by me, a writer with bipolar disorder! This shares basic facts about bipolar, offers a list of symptoms you can use, and cautions you against spreading misinformation through poor characterization or myths.

"Writing Research Notes: Politics" - I provide a quick overview about governments and international relations, based off my suffering while getting an MA in International Relations.

"Stop Doing This in Injury Fics!" by @pygmi-says-hi - Discusses some common errors when writing whump/angst. The fever part was especially helpful for me!

"Writing US Military Characters" by @lookbluesoup - An explanation of the habits and mentality of US military characters. Many of these were quite helpful for my fantasy military characters, so you can get a lot of mileage out of these for soldiers in other militaries too!

Little Funsies

"What Painting Style Is Your Writing?" - A short exploration of different writing styles to help you better understand your own approach.

I'll be adding onto this as I continue to scroll through my old likes and, of course, as I find more resources.

#writing #writing resources #writing tips #writing advice #writing help #how to write #fiction writing

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vanteguccir · 9 months ago

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── ୨୧ !　𝗔𝗧𝗘𝗟𝗢𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗜𝗔

　　　　　　　　𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒐𝒍𝒐 x reader

SUMMARY: Where Y/N has suffered with an eating disorder for years, but lately, - because of the some "fans" and social media - her insecurities have been taking her to a more than dangerous path, which she couldn't get out without help.

WARNING: anorex!a, eating disorder, comparison, self sabotage, self hatred, panic attack, pure angst... PLEASE read with caution!

REQUESTED?: No.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: That is my work, I DON'T authorize any plagiarism! | English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there's any grammar error.

　　　༻✦༺ 　༻✧༺　༻✦༺

Atelophobia; the fear of not being good enough.

This was one of the millions of fears and problems that haunted Y/N's mind. Her head convinced her a long time ago that she simply wasn't enough; for her school teachers, for her classmates, for her friends, for her parents, past boyfriends... not even for herself.

This led her to listen to what others said and thought about herself since she was very young, the desire to be perfect and within society's standards in all aspects of a human being consumed her; personality, thoughts, knowledge... body.

She was told all the time how she should behave, act, and be. She was just a child, but that didn't seem to matter to those who did it, clogging her up with responsibilities and comparisons.

One thing led to another. Her desperation to be the best at everything started to include her own body. "Fat" was the first word people used to describe her. She had no control over the situations around her, but she had control over her weight.

Y/N was always the biggest girl in her class, and her classmates seemed to love reminding her of that; often being excluded from work groups, forgotten in groups of friends, or not chosen in any team during Physical Education classes.

Until the year when everything changed. During the school vacation, she decided to change, intending to return to school as a new girl. The new cycle started well, Y/N saw a nutritionist, cutting out all fatty foods from her routine and consuming only healthy ones. She started going to the gym daily, doing the recommended training time. All of this led her to lose a significant amount of weight.

Soon, the vacation was over, and with that, the negative comments from her classmates were replaced by positive comments. Girls asking what she had done to lose weight like that, searching for advice and seeing her as a miracle. Boys saying how changed and prettier she looked.

How could she not fall in love with her own illness?

So, that made her feel good. Too good... her mind began to yearn to become thinner, more beautiful, just to hear more from others. And then the healthy diet and the one hour training at the gym were no longer enough for her. She needed more if she wanted to be better.

Y/N then intensified her training, staying at the gym for 2 hours per day, doing more reps with more weight. She crossed out several foods from the list of permitted that her nutritionist had made, choosing for herself the ones she thought were ideal, until it had almost nothing left.

Her brain self-sabotaged so that she wouldn't go out with her friends, because they would definitely want to eat somewhere and she wouldn't be able to.

She no longer participated in family dinners, creating excuses so as not to be forced to sit at the table and eat.

Her mind convinced her that she wasn't thin enough to satisfy her boyfriends' sexual and non-sexual desires, which made her pull away during or at the beginning of any relationship she had until the guy got tired, or she simply ended it.

She spent hours on the internet, searching for sensational diets that reduced daily calories to 500 or less, promising extraordinary weight loss. In addition to getting on the scale at least 4 times a day, hoping for a miracle every time she looked at the numbers.

Y/N replaced her eating schedules with random hobbies like drawing, learning a new instrument, or picking flowers from her garden to make flower crowns, occupying her time and mind.

Some things scared her, her period hadn't come in months, clumps of hair fell out every time she ran her hands through it. Her vision went dark at least 3 times a day. Her body shivered from the complete cold of her insides, and her stomach hurt more than usual.

But she had to suffer them alone since she had no one to talk to about, always alone.

Until Y/N met Matt.

Matt was the boy who made her want to get better. He encouraged her to look for a hospital that fit her preferences, where Y/N finally began to receive psychiatric and psychological care.

Her diet changed for the better, into foods that Y/N saw as safe. She did not abandon the gym but reduced the weight and time, maintaining her training just for the health of her muscles, as she had lost a lot of lean mass during her worst moment.

The calculator in her head finally stopped. Her eyes started seeing food as just food and not as the enemy. Her stomach craved for all the snacks she loved, and she finally ate them, without feeling guilty.

Matt was so thoughtful about her entire situation, having suffered himself with extreme anxiety from a young age. He could tell he understood in parts what it was like to live with a mental illness.

So he helped her maintain her healthy diet and eat all her daily meals within her limit - often opting to eat together in their room, since he knew the trepidation Y/N still felt about doing it in front of other people.

Matt praised her in every possible situation, trying not to be extreme but to show his intense love and support for the girl. All of that was helping her a lot.

Until it wasn't.

Y/N and Matt never hid their relationship from the public, the girl knew how famous her boyfriend was and how difficult it could be to keep their relationship hidden, they would be seen together at one time or another.

So it wasn't surprising that the girl appeared in some of the triplets' pictures sometimes, and that's what happened that Friday.

As usual, Nick posted a photo dump on the triplets Instagram to promote the publication of their new car video, and one of the photos was of Matt and Y/N, specifically one in which the two were sitting on the couch in their living room, the girl had her legs draped over Matt's thighs, while his tattooed arm wrapped tightly around her waist, huge smiles decorating their faces.

It was a cute photo, but apparently, that wasn't what fans thought.

While Matt and his brothers were in the kitchen, preparing healthy snacks - a habit they built through the girl, but which in the end helped everyone -, Y/N was lying on her bed in the room she shared with Matt, wrapped in too-warm covers, holding her phone with her right hand while her left hand wrapped around her stomach in an almost painful grip.

Her thumb scrolled through the comments screen beneath the post. Almost everyone there talking about her picture with Matt.

"Matt can do so much better than her"

"I really don't know what he saw in her"

"She's going to end up crushing him like that"

"I'll pay for the gym for her if that's the price for Matt to have a worthy girlfriend"

And so on, it was as if they knew all of Y/N's weaknesses.

Some fans of them could be cruel when they wanted to, and Y/N knew this by heart since seeing Nick crying several times because he was body shamed, or when she noticed Chris being quieter than usual after reading comments saying how loud he was and how that was unbearable.

Her heart was crushed every time she saw Matt suffer in silence until he couldn't hold it in any longer and finally cried in her lap for hours after reading people saying how insignificant and quiet he was in the videos.

Even though a huge mass of the fandom loved them with all their hearts and took care of them as much as the distance of a phone screen allowed, it still wasn't enough to swallow the hate comments.

But when it came to Y/N, more than half of the fandom turned against her. Maybe out of envy, but it was obvious that the girl didn't see it that way. She was convinced that they were right.

Her heart tightened as if someone was crushing it with their bare hands. The air seemed to escape her lungs, and the lunch she ate hours before seemed to want to go up her throat. Her fingers trembled as she held her stomach, feeling everything she had and didn't have there. Her eyes began to water, her lips quivering from the tears that wanted to escape.

Y/N quickly moved her finger to the back button, hoping to break out of the horrible cycle she was about to enter. A loud sob escaped her lips when, upon finally leaving the post, her feed reloaded, and a picture of a model that Y/N followed and admired appeared.

Comparison was her biggest enemy.

Negative thoughts about herself began to pollute her mind, everything around her becoming a fog. The sounds coming from the kitchen became muffled to her ears. Y/N's right hand - which was holding her phone - was gripping the device in such a way that her fingers turned white. Painful sobs escaped her mouth as her eyes remained fixed on the woman's perfect figure.

Why can't I be like her?

The longing for the sensations she felt when she starved hit her chest hard. The desire to want to be as thin as before - or more - filled her.

It didn't take long, and soon, the bedroom door was slowly opened, Matt's silhouette appearing behind it. His face was lit up with a smile - probably because of some joke his brothers made - while his right hand held a plate with two sandwiches.

His cheerful expression was replaced by a frown of concern. Matt quickly closed the door with his feet, walking towards the bed, haphazardly placing the plate on the nearest bedside table before sitting down on the mattress.

His hands flew to Y/N's waist, stopping over her own hand that was squeezing her skin with a force that was sure to leave it bruised.

The girl seemed to wake up from her trance, lifting her head and meeting Matt's calming - but worried - gaze. She cried harder as she imagined what her boyfriend would be thinking of her now.

Automatically, her mind started to play her current state, messy hair, swollen and red face, skin wet with tears, eyes half closed and mouth open, allowing sobs to escape from there.

"M-Matt-" Her sentence was cut off by a sob, her eyes closing tightly.

Matt took a deep breath, trying to process what to do next. His left hand - the one that didn't cover hers - slowly took the phone, taking it out of his girl's death grip. He glanced briefly at the screen, automatically understanding what was happening before locking it and putting the device aside.

He moved his body so that it was closer to hers, resting his hand on her spine and guiding her until she laid her head on his chest, caressing the area below his fingers.

Matt felt his heart break with every tremble that rocked the body beneath his caused by the sobs. If he could take that pain away from his girlfriend, he would.

"It's okay, baby, let it out. I'm right here." He cooed, his fingers caressed the tangled strands of her hair lightly, stroking the area while moving his upper body back and forth, slowly calming his girlfriend.

"Ma-Matty-" Y/N's voice was weak, wobbly from the pain in her heart.

Matt removed his hand from hers for a few seconds, stretching it to the bedside table - where the plate was -, taking the bottle of water that Y/N always filled before going to sleep. He opened the lid in one quick movement, bringing it close to his girl's face.

"Come on, my love. Sit down for a moment and take a sip of water. Please." The boy asked in a soft voice, helping Y/N straighten her posture before bringing the bottle closer to her lips, helping her take a few small sips of the contents.

He closed the bottle after making sure she was satisfied, placing it on the mattress before turning his attention to Y/N again. He brushed away the strands of hair from her face, tucking them behind her ear.

"What if they're right?" She asked in a whisper, catching her bottom lip between her teeth in an attempt to keep from crying.

"No, they aren't." Matt's tone was convincing, as if he was absolutely sure of what he was saying. "You are not worse than others because of your weight. You look great as you are. Your body is perfect, do you know why? Because he's healthy enough to carry you around and take care of you." The boy held her hands lightly, stroking the back of her fingers gently as he looked into her eyes. "The recovery journey is not easy, I remember the words your psychologist said to me when we had that session together. I imagine your head when you see clothes getting tighter, and these comments certainly make you want to give up, I know you, baby."

He paused momentarily, watching her reactions carefully.

Y/N knew that, recovery was hard work. Not wanting to die was hard work.

"Recovery is not a race. You don't have to feel guilty about taking less or more time than you originally thought or having relapses from time to time. This is part of the process, and I want you to understand this. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. When I look at the most beautiful things, I remember you. In the pink tulips of the flower shop across the street, in the Cassiopeia constellation, in the bees that fly in our garden and in the greenest tree I have ever seen." Y/N let out a tearful laugh when she heard him mention the tree, knowing his immense love for nature. "Because you're pretty like them."

"I-I'm sorry." The girl whispered, sniffling then lowering her gaze in shame. "I... I saw the photos that Nick posted, and there were comments..." She shook her head, closing her eyes tightly.

"Oh baby." He leaned slightly over Y/N, sealing his lips over her warm forehead. "If you want to apologize, let me do it. If you went through this now, it was because of me."

"No, Matt. It was never and will never be your fault." Y/N shook her head, wiping her eyes momentarily with the sleeve of her - his - hoodie, sniffling slightly before taking one of Matt's hands, intertwining their fingers. "You don't control people, much less through the internet. They will always talk a lot because they are behind a screen that protects them, but that will never be your fault. I would rather go through this a thousand times and have you with me than never have you again."

"I understand." He paused momentarily. "Please, don't let it get to that point again while you're alone. If you see something that upsets you or makes you feel bad, turn it off instantly and call me. I want to be there to help you. I want to be there for you." The brunette asked, staring at her eyes.

Y/N sighed, nodding her head and leaning slightly closer to him, resting her forehead on Matt's shoulder, exhaling the softening scent and perfume that exuded from the fabric of the hoddie on his body.

Her eyes burned from the tears she shed, closing them tightly to prevent more from falling, her heart still feeling sore from everything.

"If you want, we can contact that psychologist again, the one who helped you throughout the process at the hospital." Matt lowered his head, bringing his face closer to the back of Y/N's head, pressing his lips against his girl's hair, closing his eyes as he felt the warmth of her body close to his. "I want to attend some sessions just like we did last time, so I understand how I can help you this time."

Y/N felt her heart warm instantly, her free hand snaking to Matt's thigh closest to her, stroking the covered skin lightly.

"Okay."

Matt loved Y/N more than he loved himself, and he would make sure that she understood that she wasn't alone anymore.

taglist:

@lustfulslxt @ladybunny44 @worldlxvlys @earth2starkey @remussbitch @freshloveforthefit @il0vebeingdelulu @sturniolowhore @mimi-luvzyu @alorsxsturn @urfavgirllyyyyy @domizzzsstuff @sturnizd @hearts4chris @cupidzsq @dracoflaco @leah-loves-lilies @tylerthecreatorsrealwife

(If you want to be added to the taglist, go to this post)

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cleo-fox · 5 months ago

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Conquer

Part 2 of 5

Series Masterlist

Series Summary: The king intends to take a bride. You just never thought it would be you. (Soulmate AU where Loki won)

Chapter Summary: It’s no surprise that Loki has a gift for talking dirty and you wish that it didn’t work as well as it does. You wish that—for example—it were a little more challenging for him to talk you into letting him get you off in the limo on your way to a gala event hosted by the Swedish government.

Pairing: Loki x Female Reader

Tag List: I don’t have a tag list for this fic, sorry! The best way to hear about updates is to follow me on Tumblr or subscribe to the fic on AO3.

Chapter Warnings: Smut, 18+, Minors DNI, enemies to lovers, dirty talk, praise kink, edging, teasing, p in v sex, vaginal fingering, orgasm delay, semi-public sex, light Dom/sub. (see series masterlist for series warnings)

A/N: I realize that the GIF I'm using for this chapter is TVA!Loki, but the attitude is very much in keeping with this chapter, so I decided to forgo accuracy in favor of thirst. Also, you may be thinking "Part 2 of 5? I thought this was going to be 3 chapters!" Me too. Welcome to what it's like being in my brain: even I don't know what's going on here.

The wedding night isn’t the end of the sex, of course.

The immediate, sharp need for your first coupling is gone, but there’s a dull and persistent ache that keeps you coming back to his bed every night (and several times during the day). Loki is equally ravenous, if not more so.

While you’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re going to fuck him, you still don’t like being the one to initiate sex. It sounds silly, but it feels like admitting to a vulnerability that you’re not prepared to acknowledge, let alone act on.

The problem is that your sex drive has skyrocketed since the wedding.

You’ve heard about this happening—the saying soulbonds are meant to be consummated, but some are more thorough than others didn’t come out of nowhere. You just didn’t think it would be a problem for you, especially once you found out who your soulmate was.

You were wrong about this, of course—you are constantly horny. Your mind is a cineplex of perversion, constantly playing memories of the times that he has fucked you, ways he might fuck you next, his hands, his lips, his tongue, his annoyingly perfect cock. It makes you want to run your brain through the washing machine, like a couple of Tide pods and an extra rinse cycle might fix this.

But the part that drives you crazy is that he always seems to know when you’re in these moods and he always manages to claim the upper hand. It is—like so many things with Loki—profoundly irritating.

It’s all physical—your conversations are limited to the mundane or the utterly filthy. It’s no surprise that Loki has a gift for talking dirty and you wish that it didn’t work as well as it does. You wish that—for example—it were a little more challenging for him to talk you into letting him get you off in the limo on your way to a gala event hosted by the Swedish government.

You can feel his gaze caressing your body as you walk down the stairs to meet him. Your dress is gold and glittery, and hugs your curves while the slit sneaks just high enough that you know the fashion blogs will call it daring. You keep your eyes on your feet and your hand on the railing as you navigate the stairs in your heels. Normally, Loki would comment on that—something about how you needed proper education in comportment, you were a queen, queens don’t stare at their feet, people expected elegance, blah, blah, blah. Tonight, though, he’s silent as he takes you in, which you know means that he’s particularly enchanted by how you look. For a brief moment, you allow yourself to feel sexy and confident, to enjoy the fact that the most powerful man on the planet has been rendered speechless by how you look.

Are you ridiculously horny? Sure, but you’ve got it under control. You can hold out for an evening and you’re pretty sure Loki hasn’t figured it out. If he had, he almost certainly would have said something inappropriate when he offered you his arm. He’s probably going to be distracted by the gala anyway. Why had you ever doubted yourself?

When the two of you get into the limo, you remember why.

The moment the door shuts behind you, Loki is pulling you close, his hands cupping your breasts and then sliding down to your thighs while his lips latch on to the spot where your neck and shoulder meet.

“What are you doing?” you ask, as though his intentions are in any way unclear.

“You need to come. I can smell you.” He’s hiking up the fabric of your dress.

Well. So much for him not noticing.

Your cunt clenches. “We’re in public.”

“Those windows are tinted and the partition is up.” His breath is warm on your neck as the fabric of your dress pools around your waist.

“I can still wait.”

“Oh, I don’t think you can.” His fingers slip between your legs (when did you spread your legs for him?), gently grazing the gusset of your underwear, which you know is embarrassingly wet. “Soaked already,” he breathes, rubbing your clit through the thin fabric. “You need to come.”

“I-I c-can—I can wait until—oh fuck.”

He pushes the fabric of your underwear aside and lightly teases your clit with the tip of his finger.

“You can’t,” he rasps, lightly nipping at your earlobe. “You’re such a greedy, needy little thing. Your cunt is insatiable.”

He presses his first three fingers together and rubs your clit in a big, broad circle that makes your back arch.

“Fuck,” you breathe, your hands flexing against the seat. “Fuck, just like that.”

“I thought you said you could wait?” he says with that mocking lilt to his voice, the one that makes you simultaneously want to punch him in the face and also ride him hard and fast and a little rough.

“Shut up,” you grit out.

He laughs low in your ear. “Oh, you don’t mean that, I know you love it when I talk you through it.”

You hate that he’s right.

“You love hearing about how tight and wet you are, how hard I am for you.” He drops his voice lower. “How hard I’m going to fuck you.”

You can’t help the quiet moan that falls from your lips.

“Yes, you love it when I talk to you like this,” he purrs. “And I love hearing what an utterly filthy, wicked girl you are.”

You whimper, despite your best efforts to keep quiet.

“Oh, I like that little noise,” he says, increasing his pace ever so slightly. “Let me hear you.”

“I hate you so much.”

You’ve said this to him before and like all the other times, he simply laughs. “Hate me all you like, darling, but you and I both know that you love what I do to you.”

You bite your lip and try to focus on the pleasure that’s rising in your hips.

“Has anyone ever made you come as hard as I do?” he muses, like he’s just making casual conversation. “From the way that you scream and beg for it, I imagine that there haven’t been very many that were capable. Your cunt has quite clearly been neglected.”

You’re going to ignore what he’s saying. That’s what you’re going to do. There’s no reason to listen to any of what he’s saying.

“The truth is that you need me, don’t you?” he says, nipping at your ear. “You need me because I know exactly what to do to sate your needy little cunt. I know exactly how to make you scream.”

You hate how close you are, hate how the impending rush of your orgasm has basically rendered you speechless, save for a few incoherent whimpers.

He brings his lips close to your ear, lowering his voice to a growl. “What would those pitiful Midgardians say if they knew their queen was such a needy little slut?”

Instead of delivering a stern rebuke, you come hard. Incredibly hard—it is arguably one of the most intense orgasms he’s given you yet, blazing through your body with a ferocity that leaves you shaking in its wake.

And he notices.

“Oh, you liked that, didn’t you?” he purrs as he rubs you through the aftershocks. “I felt how hard you came, how utterly desperate you are for me to fuck you.”

“Loki, please,” you breathe.

He tugs at your underwear. “Take this off.”

Your first instinct is to challenge him, but the fabric is now uncomfortably damp and you desperately need him to fuck you, so you lift your hips and slide your underwear down and off your legs without any complaint. He takes it from you and sticks it in his pocket.

You expect to hear the clink of his belt buckle followed by his silky smooth voice ordering you to sink down on his unfairly perfect cock. Even though you’ve just come, you want more. You always do with him.

(You decide not to think too much about that last part).

Instead, though, he smooths his hair and settles back into his seat, looking out the window. After a moment, you clear your throat expectantly.

He glances at you, utterly casual. “What is it?”

Your eyes narrow. He’s playing dumb and you both know it.

“You made me take off my underwear,” you say, biting back a sharper reply.

“I did.”

“So…fuck me.”

He gives an amused little chuckle that makes your palm itch to slap him. “Darling, we’re in public, that would be unseemly.”

You roll your eyes before you can stop yourself. “You’re full of it.”

His gaze turns smoldering and stern. “And if you want to be full of my cock later tonight, you’ll change your attitude.”

You’re not sure if it’s the absence of underwear that makes you feel more aroused than usual or if he’s awakened some latent perversion you were previously unaware of. Possibly, it’s both.

Your breath hitches and he smiles like he knows he has the upper hand.

“Do you want that?” he says. “Do you want me to fill your tight little cunt with my big cock?”

You’re so far gone that you find yourself nodding before the thought of being contrary can even cross your mind.

“Well, then,” he says, flicking an invisible speck of dust from his tuxedo jacket, “you’re going to have to earn it.”

You huff out an irritated sigh and yank the skirt of your dress back down. “You’re an ass,” you say with a scowl.

“And you’re going to do exactly as I tell you or you won’t be coming at all.”

You stare at him, lips parted in the start of a complaint.

“And however much your pretty cunt is aching right now, I imagine it will be twice as worse tomorrow with no release,” he says. “If I’m feeling generous, of course. I could always make you wait longer.”

You close your mouth, biting back the urge to scowl.

He smirks. “That’s my good girl.”

Your cunt throbs. By the end of the night, your thighs will surely be sticky with your own arousal.

“This is unfair,” you grumble, crossing your arms and sitting back in your seat.

“Behave,” he says as you approach a rather impressive set of gates. “We’re almost there.”

A flick of his wrist sends seidr racing along your skin, smoothing your hair, straightening your dress, and fixing the smudge of lipstick at the corner of your mouth.

Your underwear remains in his pocket.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long evening.

The Minister for Finance is giving a presentation. You’re not entirely sure that you would have been able to follow it under normal circumstances, but certainly not with Loki’s hand up your dress.

The two of you are seated at your own table—it’s one of the more stupid formalities he insists on, though you suppose it’s advantageous in this instance. His actions are obscured by the table and tablecloth and probably a little magic, but your heart is still racing with the thrill of it. His movements have been slow and deliberate, and the result is that he’s effectively been edging you for the duration of this forty-five minute presentation.

It feels incredible; it’s agony. You love it; you hate it.

“You’re being a very good girl,” Loki murmurs to you at one point and that alone nearly sends you over the edge.

“You’re a jackass,�� you whisper back to him.

He chuckles. “If you want me to let you come once we get home, I’d suggest changing your tone, my love.”

You resist the urge to scowl, but only barely. “You made me come in the limo over here because you said I couldn’t wait,” you point out. “What happened to that philosophy?”

“It was supplanted by a desire to see what happens when I tease you for several hours.” A wicked smile curls at his lips. “Besides, I love how tight and desperate your cunt feels when I make you beg for me.”

You always come hardest when he makes you beg for him. You’d never admit it, though.

“I’d think you’d be more concerned about getting caught,” you say. “What do you think that would do to your image?”

“Oh, I think it would do wonders for my image,” he says. “Attentively tending to my wife’s needs despite potential social embarrassment? It’s rather feminist of me, don’t you think?”

“Okay, first of all, that is not what femini—” Your voice cuts out as he rolls his finger in a particularly devastating circle.

“What was that, my love?” he asks, voice thick with faux concern, his true intent easily betrayed by his shit eating grin. “You seem distracted.”

You’re not entirely sure if you’re tensing your muscles in anticipation of an orgasm or in an effort to stave it off. “You’re awful.”

His voice drops. “But I’m making you feel so very good, aren’t I?”

You take a deep breath, trying to soothe the tightening knot in your belly, even as your body is begging you to rush toward it.

“Aren’t I?” His tone turns stern and you hear the implied order loud and clear.

“Yes,” you bite out.

“Yes what?”

You swallow. You’re starting to get close, closer than he’s let you get so far. “Yes, you’re making me feel good.”

He smirks. “You’re getting close, aren’t you?”

You nod, taking another deep breath through your nose. Keep it together.

“I could let you come,” he muses. “Everyone’s watching the presentation. You could be quiet, couldn’t you?” His pace increases just slightly, enough for you to start to feel the tempting, shimmery tendrils of release. “Do you want that, lovely?”

It’s not a good idea, but you nod anyway.

“I had no idea you were so filthy.” His fingers are massaging your clit more firmly and you bite back a gasp because you know it won’t be long. You’re trying to keep a straight face, but you’re struggling. You are so deliciously close.

“Are you going to come for me?” he asks quietly. He knows the answer.

You nod, not trusting your voice.

But just as you’re about to start to tip over the edge, Loki’s hand retreats and the building pressure in your hips diminishes back to that steady, throbbing ache just as the Minister for Finance concludes his presentation.

Loki is smirking like he expected this. “Ah. Unfortunate timing.”

You may kill him.

“You did that on purpose, you ass,” you hiss at him.

“Oh, you’ll thank me for it later,” he says, his voice dropping low.

You scowl at him, though you suspect he’s probably right.

You get a slight reprieve during dinner, but only in the sense that Loki’s hand is no longer up your dress. Your aching arousal remains, coating the inside of your thighs. Your heartbeat seems to be pulsing in your clit, the muscles of your cunt aching as they clench repeatedly around nothing.

While his hand is no longer up your dress, Loki continues to be as unhelpful as possible.

“Shall I let you unravel on my tongue?” he murmurs to you during the main course. “Or do you need my cock first?”

“I think you need to stop talking,” you say as evenly as you can muster.

“Whatever for?” he asks with the sort of feigned innocence that tells you he knows exactly what he’s doing. “Surely you’re not concerned that I’m going to make you come simply by telling you what I want to do to you.”

You take a slow sip of your water.

“Or perhaps that idea appeals to you?” he asks, dropping his voice even lower. “Do you want me to make you come in front of all of these people?”

There’s something about the idea that’s admittedly appealing in a taboo sort of way, though you aren’t quite sure you actually want to pursue it or if you’re just so desperate that even objectively bad ideas sound good.

“Truly, I doubt you could keep quiet,” he says. “You and I both know how much you like to scream for me and I’ve been teasing you for what, three hours now? But perhaps that’s what you want. You were about to come for me earlier. Perhaps you want them all to know what a needy little sl—ah, Stefan! So good to see you again.”

Loki has seamlessly directed his attention to the Swedish official who has approached your table. His ability to be charming and personable is irritating, particularly when he’s often been uttering absolute filth to you mere seconds before. Meanwhile, your brain has completely short circuited—your thoughts stopped being anywhere near coherent when he started touching you under the table during that presentation and your cunt is pulsing. You manage a polite smile and a pleasantly vague expression that you hope hides the fact that all you can think about is Loki throwing you down on the table and fucking you until you can’t walk straight and you’ve screamed yourself hoarse.

“You conducted yourself quite well,” Loki says softly once the man leaves. “I’d never have guessed that you’re hiding such a needy, sloppy cunt under that dress.”

You take a deep breath. “What’s to stop me from slipping off somewhere and taking care of things myself?”

His eyes flash a little dangerously and you hate how much it thrills you. “If you do that, I’ll see to it that you don’t come for a week. At least.”

You are irritated with him, certainly, but you are far more irritated with yourself for being even remotely aroused by his words.

“You’re insufferable,” you hiss instead.

Loki smirks and leans in to whisper in your ear. “We’ll see how you feel a few hours from now when I’m buried in your tight cunt.” His breath ghosts over your ear and it takes everything in you not to shiver. “I suspect I’ll find you much more agreeable. You always are when you need to be fucked.” His voice drops even lower. “And I know how much you need it.”

Your legs are shaking and you wonder how you’re going to make it through the rest of the evening.

You almost come during the concert.

It was probably easier for them to set up the orchestra on the same stage as the presentation, but it means that you’re still sitting at the same table as before, which gives Loki more than enough cover to continue touching you. His hand is creeping back up your dress before the oboe even plays the tuning note and while he’s still going slowly, it’s been four and a half hours and your body is aching for release in a way you have rarely felt.

His fingertip skates across your clit just a little too quickly and firmly and suddenly, you’re poised right on the edge. One more stroke of his fingers, just one more slight movement and you’ll come.

It’s a split second decision, so quick you can scarcely think twice about it. You desperately want to come, but even though you almost let it happen earlier, you know that a stifled public orgasm isn’t really what you want. You want him to hear you scream—you don’t want to hold back.

And you want to be good for him. You want him to reward you for being good, you want to be his good girl—

You shake your head to dismiss that thought and grab his wrist in a silent warning. Quickly, he moves his hand away, sliding it to your knee. Your cunt shudders and aches, the pulsing throb of your arousal even stronger than before.

He brushes his lips against your ear. “Oh, very good, darling. You’ll be rewarded for that.”

“You could reward me now and take me home,” you say pointedly, though it would probably be more effective if your voice wasn’t so shaky.

He chuckles, draping his arm around your shoulders. Every so often, you’ve seen a candid photo of the two of you in People or one of the other celebrity magazines and you’re always taken aback by how normal you look. You imagine that it would be the same if someone were to take a photo right now—you’d look like just another couple cuddling and canoodling instead of…whatever it is you actually are. Soulmates who hate each other but fuck like it’s their job and the rent is due? There’s no easy way to classify your relationship, which you suppose is for the best: this is not the sort of thing that should be common enough to have its own word.

“We still have quite a bit to go.” He brings his index finger—the same one that had just been up your dress—up to his lips and closes his eyes like he’s tasting something divine. “Norns, I can taste how desperate you are.”

You cross your legs in the hope that it will alleviate the pulsing ache between your thighs (it doesn’t). “You’re not helping.”

“Of course I’m not,” he says. “I told you, I want you begging for me by the end of the night.”

“How have I not already exceeded that threshold?”

He smirks. “I like to be thorough.”

Five minutes later, his hand is back between your thighs.

“Let’s try that again,” he murmurs. “Do you think you’ll be able to resist a second time?”

Somehow, you do—and two more times after that. By the end of the concert, your heart is pounding, your legs feel like rubber, your cunt is dripping, and you’d easily sell your soul for an orgasm.

“You’re doing so well, darling,” says Loki. He’s been full of praise and filthy promises and you can’t decide if that makes it better or worse.

“Can we please go home?”

He chuckles. “Of course not, that would be rude.”

“I have a hard time believing you’re concerned about rudeness, considering where your hands have been this evening,” you say with a pointed look.

“You wound me.” He stands and offers you his hand. You take it grudgingly, your legs wobbling slightly. “Now. Come help me charm the Minister for Defense. I need him to be much more cooperative about sharing intelligence.”

The only good thing about schmoozing with Swedish officials is that Loki can’t have his hand up your dress while doing so. Even so, he still finds ways to be constantly touching you—a hand on your lower back, your elbow, your shoulder, your waist. These things shouldn’t be erotic, but he somehow manages to make them so. Every brush of his fingers against your bare skin is agony: you are burning for him.

You watch the clock tick through another hour and a half while trying not to let anyone on to the fact that you’re keen to leave. Time feels like it’s dragging—even when the event officially ends, it still takes another thirty-seven minutes for you to say your farewells and make your way out to the front where your limo is waiting.

Your legs are shaking as Loki helps you into the limo. He slides into the seat next to you and you find yourself leaning into him, unable to resist any longer.

The door shuts.

“Loki—” you start to say.

“When we get home,” he says promptly.

“You can’t possibly—”

“Oh, I can.” He pulls you into his lap. “I’ve been hard for you all evening,” he purrs in your ear, settling you so that the thick column of his cock presses hard against your ass. “Do you know how many times I nearly dragged you off to some empty room to take you up against the wall?” He brings his mouth down against your neck, teeth pressing against your skin just hard enough to almost hurt. You tilt your head to the side to give him better access, guiding his hands to your spread thighs.

“Do you know why I didn’t?” he murmurs against your skin.

“Because you make terrible choices?” you say before you can think it through.

His low laugh rumbles deliciously against your throat. “No.” His hands slip underneath the hem of your dress, fingertips skating along the tender skin of your inner thigh. Your hips roll forward almost unconsciously, your breath hitching.

“I didn’t because I know that you need to scream for me,” he says. “Just as much as I need to hear you.” His fingertip grazes your slit. “And you know that we can’t do that properly in the car.” His finger strokes your clit and you moan. “Poor thing,” he murmurs, tracing a slow circle over the sensitive skin. “I don’t think that I’ve ever made you this wet.”

“Loki—”

“I’m not giving you permission to come yet,” he murmurs, adding just a little more pressure. “I need you to be good for just a little longer.”

You let out a whine that you’re not at all proud of as he moves his hand away to gently massage your inner thighs. “Loki, please.”

“Be good.” His voice promises pleasure and punishment and everything in between and you feel drunk with desire.

“I’ve been so good,” you say, bringing his hand back to your cunt. “Please just let me come.”

“When we get home.”

“Just once. Please.”

He chuckles and brings his lips up to your ear. “You know that I’m going to take care of you,” he murmurs, his voice low and soothing. “You know I always take care of your needy cunt. I always make you come. You just need to wait a little longer.”

“I need to come now.”

“Think about how good it’s going to feel if you wait just a little longer.”

“It would feel good now.”

“It will feel even better in our bed.” He rolls his fingers in a slow circle on your clit. “You know it will.”

You whimper, rolling your hips with his hand.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this desperate,” he says. “I’m rather partial to it.”

“Don’t get used to it,” you grumble.

“Oh, I’d advise you watch your tone, darling,” he says low in your ear, sliding a finger inside you, his thumb taking up the rhythm on your clit. “I don’t want to deny you, but I may have to if you keep being so pert.”

As if to make a point, he slides another finger inside of you and you find yourself once again on the edge. You grab his wrist, your breath coming in shallow gasps as you try to hold back the rising tide within you.

“Oh, good fucking girl,” he growls and the pride in his voice makes your cunt clench hard on his retreating fingers. “You want to come so badly, but you’re being so good waiting for my permission.”

“God, this had better be worth it,” you say as you wait for the pulsing ache between your thighs to recede.

“It will be,” he murmurs against your neck. “You know it will be.” He shifts you in his lap so you face him and guides your hand to his cock. “Do you feel how hard you’ve made me? I’m aching for you.”

You rub his shaft, working your way up to catch the tab of his zipper between your fingers. He looks at you, eyes hungry, a smirk curling at his lips.

Slowly, you pull down the zipper.

“Oh you wicked thing,” he purrs, a low groan escaping him as you wrap your hand around his shaft and slowly begin stroking him. He’s rock hard and throbbing, and your hand quickly grows slick with his precome.

You lean in, brushing your lips against his ear. “I want you to fuck me,” you say, flicking your tongue against his earlobe.

He chuckles. “Are you trying to flip the tables on me, darling?”

You’re a little miffed that he figured that out so quickly. “Would that be so bad if I was?”

He laughs again. “You’re adorable.” He slides a hand along your inner thigh and back under your dress. “But I think we both know who’s really in charge here.”

Even the possibility of his hand touching your cunt has your breath quickening and your hand faltering in its rhythm on his cock.

You’re not about to admit defeat, though.

“Don’t you want to fuck me?” you say, trying to keep the quaver out of your voice. You give his cock a few long, indulgent strokes. “We’re nearly there already. All I’d need to do is move a little closer.”

He chuckles, his hand sliding up to lightly tease your folds. “I would have made you warm my cock the whole ride back,” he says casually, like he’s commenting on the weather, “but I don’t think you could have done it without coming. You’re too sensitive.”

Your lips part like you have something to say, but all rational thought and the entirety of the English language has fled your brain and even more arousal is pooling between your legs.

Loki smirks like he knows all of this and he briefly strokes you from your entrance to your clit before withdrawing. “Ah, we’re nearly home,” he says, moving your hand away and patting your thigh before tucking himself back into his trousers. “Let’s make ourselves presentable, shall we?”

You climb off his lap and straighten your dress, but don’t even bother trying to fix your hair or makeup. You stumble out of the car a minute later, hoping that you don’t look like you’ve spent the entire evening poised on the brink of orgasm.

Loki, of course, is annoyingly put together. He wraps an arm around your waist and leads you forward.

“Oh, the things I’m going to do to you when we get to our rooms,” he says under his breath as you make your way into the foyer.

“That had better be a promise,” you say.

“I thought we established that I’m the one who gives you orders—”

“We established nothing—”

One of his advisors—Sigurd, the same one who spoke to you in the hotel when he found you—is approaching Loki at a brisk clip.

“Your majesty—”

Loki barely takes his eyes off of you. “Later,” he says, waving a hand in Sigurd’s direction.

“Sire, it’s urgent.”

Your heart sinks. Loki stops and turns to Sigurd, eyes sharp, mouth pulled into a firm line. “It had better be.”

Despite the intensity of Loki’s expression, Sigurd looks unbothered and remarkably calm. “We received new intelligence on the matter you inquired about earlier, your majesty.”

Loki’s expression darkens and you realize with a sinking sensation that he has to go deal with whatever this is. “A moment,” he says to Sigurd before turning to you.

He lowers his voice so that only you can hear him. “Go to our rooms,” he murmurs. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

You nod and he leans in, brushing his lips against your temple. “Be good for me.”

A thrill runs through you.

By the time you get back to your rooms, though, you’re a little annoyed. He’s been teasing you for hours and when you finally get home, he suddenly has another work thing?

It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so frustrating.

Though admittedly, he did look pretty surprised and annoyed by Sigurd’s sudden appearance. It’s probably not fair to blame him for that.

Probably.

You take your time getting undressed, mainly in the hope that it will somehow hasten his return or trick you into thinking time is passing quickly. Not that you’re looking forward to him returning for any reason other than sex. You still hate him—you just really need him to fuck you. That’s all it is.

You hesitate for a long time over the collection of silk nightgowns in your wardrobe. Should you put something on? Should you just wait naked on the bed? A silky green number catches your eye. He’d probably like that. He’s pretty predictable when it comes to that sort of thing—put on his colors and he goes feral. With any luck you won’t be wearing it for very long, but you might as well do what you can to facilitate that outcome.

You contemplate underwear and decide there’s little point, given that tonight’s set is still tucked into his pocket.

You situate yourself in the middle of your bed and try not to think about your throbbing cunt. It would be so easy to get yourself off, but you know that it won’t be as good.

You need him.

You try to ignore the thought. It’s just physical. That’s all it is. You’re on edge from being teased all evening. It doesn’t mean anything.

You wait.

It’s late when you finally hear the door click open, followed by the tap of his dress shoes on the floor.

You sit up in bed, your eyes roving greedily over him. His suit jacket is gone and his tie is draped around his neck, shirtsleeves rolled up. You are loath to admit it, but it’s incredibly hot.

Before you can even get any words out, he’s striding across the room, eyes hungrier than you’ve ever seen them. His clothes disappear the second he hits the bed, followed swiftly by your nightgown. Seconds later, he’s on top of you, mouth seeking yours, cock pressing insistently against your stomach. Your hands are just as greedy, skimming up his back and combing through his hair.

“Have you been good for me?” he murmurs as he nudges your thighs apart.

“Yes.”

“Did you touch yourself?” he asks, his voice stern.

“No,” you say.

He knows you’re not lying and the hungry smile he gives you almost makes it all feel worth it. “Good girl,” he growls. “Do you want me to fuck you now?”

“Yes,” you say breathlessly, your legs wrapping around his waist as he drags his cock through your slickness. “Please.”

He chuckles as he lines himself up at your entrance. “I know, darling, I’m going to take such good care of you.”

Your cunt is so slick and sensitive from his hours of teasing that just the act of him sliding inside of you feels like you’ve reached your own personal nirvana.

“Oh, fuck.” Your voice comes out in a whimper and your legs tighten around his waist to hold him in place because he feels so overwhelmingly good.

Loki lets out a low groan as he eases inside you, catching his lower lip between his teeth as his brow furrows. “Perfect.” He leans in to kiss you as he starts to move. His first thrust is slow but even so, it draws a whimper from your throat. He’s always felt good, but this is transcendent.

“Oh god, please don’t stop,” you gasp.

“I won’t, my love.” His voice is tender as he moves with an aching, slow precision. “Not until you’ve had your fill.”

For the first time this evening, you let down your guard. Every time he’s touched you tonight—even before the gala in the limo—you’ve had to hold back to some degree. You haven’t been able to give into it, to let yourself be completely unbound and unguarded. But now when he’s moving inside of you, you have the freedom to just be and feel and it’s exquisite. Every thrust of his hips, every reverent caress of his hands, every sigh or groan is an opportunity to discover a new kind of heaven.

“You were magnificent tonight,” he murmurs, sliding his hand between your bodies to rub your clit. “Even with my fingers playing with your pretty cunt under the table, you looked every inch a queen. My queen.”

He’s never talked to you like this before and it makes your body sing. You arch, rolling your hips with him as the building wave inside you rises impossibly high, as though every orgasm you almost had this evening is starting to arrive all at once. The tension in your hips is equally fantastic and unbearable, a supernova of sensation that may destroy and remake you all at once.

“Filthy girl, I can tell you’re getting close,” he purrs, tilting his hips so he hits the spot that makes you tremble. “You act so prim and proper in public, but it takes so very little to turn you into my perfect little slut when I get you alone.”

You are approaching the peak, the whirling center of the storm building inside you. “Loki—please, I can’t, I’m gonna—”

“That’s it, darling. Soak my cock like a good girl.”

You always come the hardest when he’s inside you and this is no exception. The pressure in your hips is suddenly and spectacularly ablaze with a shimmering euphoria that draws a raw and primal moan deep from inside your chest. You are a fountain of sparks, all the tension and desire of the evening finally reaching its apex. You have yearned for this all night and the resulting blaze is spectacular.

His pace is still slow, but Loki’s eyes are wild and you get the sense that his composure is hanging by a thread. Though his eyes occasionally flutter shut as your cunt convulses around him, his gaze is locked on you in a kind of wonder.

“Do you have any idea how good you feel when you come on my cock?” he rasps.

Even in the throes of utter bliss, you need to hear his voice. “Tell me.”

“I would create entire worlds and walk through the fires of their destruction just to feel you come.”

You shudder out a sigh. “More.”

He picks up his pace just slightly. “I would flatten mountains and raise valleys and reverse the currents.”

“More.”

He’s hitting that aching spot inside you again and the rolling tremors of the aftershocks are starting to coalesce into another building wave. You moan and his hand moves back to your clit, slick fingers pressing and rolling in just the way you need.

His eyes shine, bright with lust as his hips and fingers work diligently to unravel you again. “I would take down the stars and bring the heavens to the earth…”

His words are making you dizzy and his movements are coaxing the pressure inside of you into a cyclone that you know is going to take you down.

“Loki, please.” These are the only words you know because your entire world is him moving inside of you, inevitable as the sunrise, the architect of the heavenly destruction and renewal that is building and building in your hips.

He shifts so his weight is entirely on his elbows, bringing his lips up against your ear so you don’t miss a single word. “I would lay my crown at your feet and forsake my name…just to feel you come on my cock.”

The coil in your hips snaps and unfurls into a starry, sparkling oblivion that has you crying out his name over and over like he’s your ending and beginning, the center of your universe. Your eyes are shut against the onslaught of intense sensation, but you can feel him reaching the blissful height he’d been speaking of. He groans and slurs out a few incoherent oaths before succumbing to you and filling your pulsing cunt with his hot release.

His mouth is on yours and he’s kissing you like he means it as he slows to a halt. You lie together for a long moment, hearts beating wildly against each other.

This felt different than other times. There was an intensity there that had nothing to do with the sex. You don’t know what that means, other than it’s definitely not any kind of feelings for him. It must be something else. You’re certain it’s something else.

“I didn’t realize I’d be called away upon our return.”

You’re so distracted by your thoughts that the sound of his voice startles you slightly.

“Oh, um, yeah, I figured…it seemed unexpected,” you say.

He lifts his head to look at you, green eyes intent. “Trust that there are very few things that could have pulled me away from you in that moment.”

He’s being sincere. It’s not what you expect and that scares you a little, though you can’t quite articulate why. The idea that he would care whether you thought he’d intentionally extended your wait hadn’t even occurred to you. You don’t really know this side of him.

“So, it wasn’t like…making a proclamation designating June National Peanut Butter Month.” You know you’re deflecting, but you don’t know what else to do.

He frowns. “That can’t possibly be a real thing.”

You shrug. “It might be. Lots of governments do stuff like that. Maybe you should consider it.”

His smile is slight, but brief as he stretches and slowly eases out of you. “I will leave that to others.”

There’s a beat of quiet and you suddenly find yourself desperate to fill the silence. “What did they need to talk to you about?”

He looks at you sharply and you wonder if this was the wrong thing to say. Loath as you are to admit it, this conversation has fostered a flicker of warmth between you, a fact you only notice now because of its sudden absence.

“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with,” he says as he rolls off of you. It’s not unkind, but it’s also not warm, and the discussion is clearly closed.

Part of you mourns the loss of that little spark of closeness, but a larger, louder part is intent on pretending it never existed in the first place.

“Suit yourself.”

You’re annoyed and you roll off the bed and go about your evening routine with a little more clattering and stomping than is strictly necessary. There’s a lump in your throat that you don’t understand and you’re full of feelings you can’t define. You eventually settle on the bed with your back facing him, glaring at the wall like he can see you.

But then he reaches for you in the darkness, his arms winding around your waist, nose nuzzling against the nape of your neck as he pulls you to his chest. And instead of reading him the riot act, you let him hold you and let yourself relax into his embrace, fingers twining around his. You sleep better like this, you tell yourself. That’s the only reason you’re allowing it. It’s nothing to do with him.

You’ve told yourself that every night since your wedding and every night, it gets a little more difficult to believe.

Next chapter coming soon

#loki smut #loki x reader smut #loki x reader #loki x female reader #loki laufeyson smut #loki x female reader smut #loki fanfiction #conquer

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tryslora · 18 days ago

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Disability in fiction

This was a tough post to write.

I saw a post about disability rep, and I kept thinking about it, and wanted to share my own takes on the topic.

I thought about it for days, trying to figure out how to word it. Then after drafting it, I stuck it in a file for a couple of weeks, trying to decide if I could even post it. This is not a topic that can be boiled down to a simple yes/no kind of answer.

Let’s start with two examples.

1 - I have a short story I started writing (it wants to grow up to be longer, so it’s waiting for time) where my original concept was to write about an older woman who is short and has major chronic pain, and I wanted to dig into fantasy reasons why this pain exists, but at the same time, have her be able to kick ass despite being exhausted and dealing with excruciatingly painful issues.

2 - I once drafted a portal fantasy storyline wherein a young man was transported into a fantasy world, and when he was given a horse to ride, he approached it very warily. He was encouraged to mount, did so, and sat there and exclaimed in shock, “My brain isn’t exploding with snot!” because his allergies hadn’t come with him into the body he had in the fantasy world.

Both stories were designed to be fun, a bit light, maybe even cozy.

So.

In one case, the disabled character remains disabled and kicks ass anyway. And in the other case, the character is magically “healed” and no longer has debilitating allergies that had wrecked his way of life.

This is the difficult part to express: I think both storylines are valid.

Bear with me while I dig into this.

First and foremost: I completely agree that we need more representation in all forms of fiction, especially when it comes to disabled people being able to live their lives. Characters with missing limbs, or non-neurotypical brains, or anxiety & depression, or hearing issues, or sight problems, or chronic pain, or… or… you get the idea. We need all of it, and we need it to not need to be magically healed in order for a story to be considered happy and cozy. Disabled people can be happy, too.

I’m all in for this, and I wouldn’t write the stories I do if I weren’t.

However, there are also moments where I am so exhausted by my body and by everything I deal with inside of it where I do wish for that magical ability to forget that my pain exists. Or for the ability to actually process information in a straight line, or make decisions without writing a hundred lists and accomplishing nothing from them. Or to be able to lie down in a field of grass without regretting it for days while I drip snot and fight sinus-pain-induced migraines.

Sometimes I want to imagine that my life is different.

And that is one of the joys of writing. I can choose to write a story where people like me or the people I know are the heroes/heroines exactly as they are, different abilities and all. Or I can choose to write a story where the problems magically resolve.

Both can be cozy, sweet, and adorable. I can give the character with chronic pain the ability to kick ass, take names, and have a sweet reunion with her ex-girlfriend. I can show all the ways that my disabilities may define how I handle my life differently than someone else, but do not define what I can and cannot do.

But I can also daydream about a life where it’s different, the same way I can daydream about having wings, or being able to teleport. For me, imagining a day with no pain is the same as a day where I can walk through walls. It is absolutely a fantasy, and about as likely to happen.

Here’s the thing: It’s okay to be angry to see what looks like disability being erased. It’s okay to wonder why the author did that, why they magically healed someone instead of letting them be who they were. But at the same time, maybe ask why, and what point of view it’s coming from. Or look a little deeper into the story and how the resolution occurs, and the effect it does have on the character (I suspect that were I to suddenly have a day of no pain, I’d be intensely reckless, given what an idiot I am while IN pain, y’know? And WOW would I regret that later…).

And for authors, think about what you’re writing. WHY is this particular event (keeping disability, erasing it, whichever or both) happening, because the reader will take note of it. They may see things that weren’t intended, but are there as unintentional biases.

Make conscious decisions for why things happen.

Someday I want to get back to both of those examples from the start of this post; I still like both concepts. But I’ll be writing them for very different reasons, and both will be healing my soul in different ways. Different kinds of daydreams. And again, I think that’s valid, too.

#writing #disability #my own thoughts

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salvatwh0re · 1 year ago

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I have officially mastered the void

So this morning (afternoon actually) i decided to tap into the void so I did the 61 points yoga nidra meditation with a subliminal. I didn’t really need the subliminal I was just using it cause my headphones are somewhat noise cancelling and my family was awake so I didn’t want to get distracted. But the meditation was really relaxing. At first I had some trouble staying focused but then I reminded myself why I was doing this and what I was doing it for. So it kept me motivated. After that i affirmed a little bit then I counted down from 100 and then I affirmed some more then I got bored of affirming so i started visualizing and then I got bored of that so I just decided to focus on the darkness behind my eyelids.

I never really took that advice from people when they said it helped cause I didn’t believe them but it actually worked. Out of everything else I did that was the one thing that sent me straight to the void. I think for the most part it was just letting go of that desperate feeling i always have when I try to enter. I always feel like I’m forcing myself to do it so I just let go and kind of forgot about what I was doing while still keeping that intention.

I was getting pretty anxious tho because of the time so I just got out but i did it again and it sent me straight to the void again. So now I know the secret to getting into the void is to just let go of that desperation and to stop forcing yourself, just let it happen. If you feel you’ve affirmed enough stop affirming, if you feel you’ve focused on your breathing enough, go back to your automatic breathing pattern STOP FORCING YOURSELF IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE!!

and I know a lot of people stress about not being aware in the void and not affirming for your desires but stressing over that is exactly what’s going to make you forget tbh. When you let go of that desperation you let go of those other doubts too, those things that were stopping you from getting there in the first place. I feel like removing yourself from those thoughts is really effective in getting you what you want.

I will say it might help to have a list of things you want either written down or set in your mind because it will be a lot easier to remember what you’re going to affirm. When you’re in the void or even before you tap in completely you’re supposed to be super relaxed so it might be a little difficult to bring up those thoughts but because of how different the void is from the 3D it’s kind of hard to forget. Especially if you’ve been trying for a long time.

The void isn’t really something you question, you know for sure you’re in cause you can’t hear feel see taste or smell anything so it’s pretty identifiable. And because you’ve reminded yourself over and over that that’s what the void feels like, once you feel it you’re going to be like OHHH ok now i know to affirm for my desires. You’ve been training your brain to associate the void with your desires so of course once you recognize that you’re in you’re going to remember to affirm for your desires.

Also I don’t really like using the term void personally, but it’s what I learned it as. I feel like calling it the void just makes it sound so otherworldly and extraterrestrial and scary tbh. I think that’s what was holding me back as well, fear. I know that Neville Goddard refers to it as the I AM state which is a perfect name for it because it really is a state of just BEING like you’re not worried about anything else other than yourself and that’s the beauty of it. I would go on more cause there’s so much I can say but overall i hope you just let you go of that desperation so that you can finally push through and get everything you’ve been wanting because you deserve it.

#void state #void success #the void state #loassumption

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queerofthedagger · 14 days ago

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my coworker is not a stupid or unempathetic or mean-spirited woman but today we were talking about kids and future plans and she asked what mine were. as I tend to do, I just answered honestly -- that I love kids, but that it's not for me at all. that it never was, that I don't think I have the character for it, that I'm super content being the cool queer aunt/uncle/clanmember, and that I think you shouldn't have kids if you don't 100% want them. I did not say all of this at once, but over the usual growing confusion of are you sure, oh that's strange, etc etc. and it's like, I'm not bothered by this! like I get why many people would be but mostly it gets a tired smile out of me because again, she doesn't mean this in a condescending way at all. she simply does not remotely understand this, she who has pulled her fulfillment for decades from job and children, literally the two things ranking lowest on my list of Fulfillment Needs. she tells me that well, I'm only 31, I still have a couple of years if I do want to change my mind. I tell her if I ever did, there would always be adoption too, but I don't think I will. she says okay, but if you had a partner? someone who really wanted kids? I decide not to get into how I'm pretty content single and how that would simply be a deal-breaker, or that I'd encourage my partner to have kids with someone else then because I'm poly on top of being queer and not having a wish for kids, and this woman is about to retire and well-meaning but said that it's rare that you hear of people that really do not want kids. and again, it's not a bad conversation! it's just a reminder that people live in such different worlds, me surrounded by people whose last desire is to procreate, she by people who think a fulfilling life means a house and two kids and a vacation to spain each year. and sometimes it's just easier to smile and nod and not break an old woman's brain or to take insult at being told, at 31, that like. All That. i'll keep smiling with a bit of pity at the cookie cutter picket fence life, and she will keep smiling with a bit of pity at my catlady-to-be life plan. perhaps, that is just the nature of the thing.

#*mine #mona rambles #i don't have a great conclusion just something something queer i guess #which is on brand at least #tales of an office job

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brights-place · 10 months ago

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Clay x sassy fem! Reader Nsfw and sfw headcannons?

When I say sassy I mean she’s bold, straight forward, annoyed easily and other stuff. She’s strong headed and doesn’t take no for a answer type of sassy, and maybe bratty during sex too👀…

Clay with an sassy S/O

Pairings: Clay X Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Smut and NSFW content MDNI! A/N: These are for those freaky people and clay simps I'm talking about me aswell yall... I love clay so much AHEM! Anyways I'm not gonna be on tumblr for alot cause yk Im prepping for some stuff for the next couple of weeks!

SFW

- You being sassy is so entertaining for him

- You being straight forward and bland makes him snicker especially when Viva tries to do something dumb with the two of you when hanging out You'd be most of the time voice of reason and clay also being an voice of reason for an slight amount before giving in so you are one who has to take control

- Loves how you can be bratty and rude towards people but can melt in his hands easily if he praises you for the smallest things

- When you get annoyed he soothes you easily by placing an hand on your arm or shoulder

- You two would be an power duo for work situations and just for your personal life - he tangles your and his hair and tail together as he tries to hold you back from going to insult or punch someone cause they talked smack about Clay and Viva (I headcannon they have tails, claws, fangs and paws cause its so cute)

- He loves when seeing you stand up for other trolls when needed and was so determined to make all putt putt trolls safe!

-he pretends that he hates when you act out and get pissed but secretly he loves when you're a brat and enjoys the sight

- He loves how bold and straight forward yet sassy you are but you are so different in bed (NEHEHHEHEHEHE *gremlin noises*)

NSFW

- OHOHOHOHO I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS

- He could be rough some days and soft on others it depends how you act but since your sassy and bratty he snickers. - When he was trying to work once you kept touching him groaning and whining about wanting him - When he said no to not letting in cause he was busy with work you literally left for an moment before appearing under his desk smirking up at him

- Clay wouldn’t admit it but when your bratty he enjoys it so much cause he can make you submit to him later on after he fucks the brains out of you

- When your being bratty and whine he likes to put you in your place

- biting hard and leaving hickeys as he grips onto your waist and thighs a bunch of times, whispering praises and degrading words against your ear

- Loves how he makes you whine after you kept trying to fight back for dominance but failing and you end up hiccuping in pleasure

- Overstimulates you so much

- Teases you he would just slowly thrust in and out of you or tease the tip of your member as you beg for him for more and cling to him sobbing

- When you continue being sassy he enjoys it so much and likes to place you in different positions while tugging your hair back

- decided to Mirror fuck you to show how he makes you feel this good and that you should obey him more while your drooling and he leaves marks on your skin

- He loves having control when you are doing it so he likes stopping his movements on purpose just to hear you whine and beg for him to go back to railing you

- He can be very cold, teasing you just to rile you up to see if you don't follow the rules and try be more straight forward and bratty.

- Uses overstimulation as punishment will force orgasm after orgasm until you are crying, begging for him to stop obviously you still wanna continue it though.

- Loved how he made you switch up so fast from being an bratty sassy troll to an drooling submissive person with how easily he man handles you

- Amazing at aftercare and make sure you feel special

reblogs + comments are appreciated ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

©brights-place 2024 — do not repost on another platform, copy, translate or edit my works! if you fit my DNI list please don't interact!

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dreamlifebunny · 1 year ago

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bunny's dream life scripting series!

hello friends! i am so excited to share with you my biggest project yet: a do-it-yourself scripting series with easy to use templates and an abundance of “things to manifest” ideas, all in one!

a lot of people hear scripting and think, “oh great, another method to learn and use that i’ll never stick with.” but this isn’t a method, this is an incredibly personalized and fun writing project to help you stay motivated, organized, and excited about your dream life, down to the teeny-tiniest of details! i have found that one of the biggest obstacles that many people face when manifesting their dream lives is that they don’t actually know what they desire, so they flip flop back and forth and nothing shows up in their reality (or, more confusion and stagnation shows up) because they can’t make a decision. it is my hope that this series will provide a fun and inspiring solution to this problem so that you can start making your dream life a reality!

how it works:

i will post my "mega scripting template" soon that will have all of the categories listed below. i will then post “things to manifest” ideas related to a chosen category of the week so that you have cute and fun ideas of what you can fill in for your own script. working on one category at a time will help you really focus on what you want in that aspect of your life, which will help you get really specific!

categories include:

appearance

skills and abilities

revision of your past

recreating loved ones

the world and society

friends and community

biographical information on yourself

personality, vibe, and how you are perceived

creating new sp's (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.)

health and wellness (including peace of mind and safety)

spirituality and manifesting abilities

possessions and home

education and career

money and wealth

love life

who this series is for:

anyone who needs help getting specific / deciding on their desires

those who enjoy neatly categorized ideas and templates, or who have adhd brains like me that love writing lists to stay organized

those who don’t care about scripting or organizing but who want an abundance of fun ideas of things to manifest that they can refer to whenever they want

those who aren’t looking to design their dream life or manifest and want to world-build for their writing or creative projects

i am so excited to hear about the lovely lives you will dream up and make real. thank you for participating, and make sure to look back frequently for new updates!

love, bunny 💕

#law of assumption #loass #manifesting #manifestation #dream life #neville goddard #edward art #scripting #reality shifting #bunny's originals

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ivryne · 2 years ago

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late night, telephones ˖ ࣪

⋆ ᳝ ֺ alhaitham x gn!reader | modern high school!au

— in which Kaveh made it his life mission to find out who is his roommate’s secret lover. [ pt two here ]

“Yes, goodnight darling. I’ll see you tomorrow. Yeah, love you too.”

Accidentally overhearing Alhaitham’s late night phone call was one thing Kaveh didn’t plan on. But hearing those words spur from his literally cold-as-ice tongue made him question his existence. Alhaitham?? Being affectionate with someone???? Saying ‘I love you’ back??? Was Kaveh about the be called up to celestia and live his remaining life with the primodial one??

Okay it’s not even about the fact that he called them darling. OR THE FACT THAT HE SAID I LOVE YOU BACK. Even though those facts alone were something he desperately need to talk about later. But one thing Kaveh was mostly surprised at was the fact that someone wanted to be affectionate with him.

That made him wonder. Like the green haired moron does literally nothing but sit and read. Without his pretty face, perfect brawns, and outstandingly smart brain, he would be nothing. No but seriously, did you ever see Alhaitham taking a step forward to start a conversation? No, exactly! In fact he’s the one that takes the initiative to stop them.

So from now on, Kaveh decided to make it his life mission to find out who exactly is willing to suffer for the sake of being with Alhaitham.

Going to his lists of candidates he has…uhm. He can’t really think of anyone right now rather than the librarian that spends 24/7 in the library. I mean he guessed they do have one thing in common. But no let’s cross that out.

Oh yeah! Alhaitham was in the student council. He was there as secretary! Okay that opened up a few spots for some people Alhaitham could be dating.

Okay so far here is his list:

1. Vice president of the student council, Cyno

Notes: possibility 40%. Seen them talk before but they hate each other sm. Honestly giving enemies to lovers vibe but didn’t Cyno had a thing w Tighnari? Idk need to check again.

2. Student council head of social media department, Nilou

Notes: possibility 60%. Very very pretty, single too (I think??) Seen them talk but I think only abt student council matters (or is it??). Kinda too good for Alhaitham. She doesn’t seem to be the type that likes cold guys. Does that cross her out??

3. Student council head of sports department, Dehya

Notes: possibility -100%. Definitely not. Rumour spreading around that she’s dating Dunyazard. Ship them sm ngl if she turned out to he dating Alhaitham I’ll kill him for ruining my ship. But overall definitely not.

4. Student council president, [ Name ]

Notes: possibility 25%. Nah bro they too good for him. They’re literally the definition of social butterfly and he’s likes the opposite. So many ppl chasing after them fr so if they turned out to be taken by Alhaitham, I’ll personally go back to celestia myself.

So far that was the list! It was okay so far but he needed more evidence. The one with most percentage on his list was Nilou. He’ll have to ask around to find more candidates too. But he was sure that the list of candidates wouldn’t be more than 5.

Before you questioned Kaveh to why didn’t he just asked Alhaitham, it’s because he would just stare at him blatantly and said “It’s not your problem” ! Honestly, getting an answer from Alhaitham aside for calculus matters is extremely difficult.

He did his research and observations. Alhaitham goes to the library every day (literally). He spends his time there reading the same kind of shit he does at home, staying quietly at a remote corner, away from all the other students.

There was no way this man is taken. The problem is he doesn’t even try. Like at all. 0 efforts. If Kaveh was his lover, he would’ve dump his ass in public and let him suffer the embarrassment. The worst part about that is the fact that he probably won’t even care!

After what seemed like 30 minutes, Kaveh decided that all was hopeless and finally went his merry away. Ah, if only he stayed just a minute more. Then he wouldn’t have missed your approaching figure heading towards the man whose nose is stuck in a book.

“Hi.” A small smile graced your lips, your eyes melt into those turquoise hues, one that reeked of fondness and admiration.

No words of greetings has yet to leaves his tongue, but the way he scooted over to the right, indicating you too sit by him was more than enough.

“So, when are we going to tell him?” Alhaitham averted his gaze from his book unto you. His eyes slightly squinted, showcasing evidence of him clearly thinking.

“Is it really equivalent for him to know?” Your boyfriend asked, earning a soft chuckle from you.

“Statically speaking, not really. But the way he’s searching for candidates is so hilarious and amusing to watch, don’t you think, darling?” Alhatham lifted his book up to eye level, covering the dust of pink that shimmered around his features.

He pondered awhile before replying “Ah you’re not wrong. It is quite the fun to see him run around chasing for some bit of evidence. A mastermind are you, my love?” Now it was your turn to flush shades of red. You can see the smile of adoration on his eyes cascading through the shades of his irises.

Times like these are where you love him most. Where the two of you sit in the presence of one another, quietly scheming and watching that friend of yours running around like a detective on a case. Seeing him desperately looking for the answer when it is right in front of him, sitting cross legged and maneuvering the most amusing smile.

do not repost, share, or copy ! Reblogs and likes very much appreciated!! Thankyou for taking ur time to read this hope you enjoyed it! Follow me for more xx

©️ shrslair.

#genshin x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham #genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin x you #al haitham x reader #genshin x y/n #genshin headcanons #genshin kaveh #al haitam x reader

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bteezxyewriter12 · 4 months ago

Text

Falling

Pairing- Jimin x Named Reader

Word count- 5k

Includes- Door sex, oral, pussy eating, cum eating, floor Sex, riding, from behind, cock riding, missionary, rough sex, soft sex, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, fluff

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxminnie @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@borntowalkaway @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @seokwoosmole @meowmeowminnie @realisticnotes @effielumiere @svnbangtansworld @pinkies-things @insomniacatiny @marvelfamily3000 @amyz78 @blueie-things

Gif Credit- butterjiminie

Masterlists- check out for more fics

📝Masterlists 📝BTS Masterlist 📝Jimin Masterlist

Jimin POV

I’m trying not to get hard

But it’s impossible with Joanne near me.

Just looking at her makes me that way.

She’s in the dorm and me, her, Tae, Jungkook and Yoongi are watching a movie

She’s Jungkook’s best friend, since they were babies.

Her parents came to Korea for her dad’s job and the first people they met were Jungkook’s parents.

They were neighbors and the four of them instantly became friends

Both of their moms got pregnant at the same time.

Joanne was born first is January and Jungkook in September.

They’ve been inseparable since they were newborns.

They do everything together

They even got matching tattoos when Jungkook got his

She already had some but agreed when Jungkook asked her to get one with him.

It’s in the same spot on their bodies too.

Their ribs

I always thought she was fucking hot

She’s a mix of Spanish and Italian- and fuck that mix makes one sexy girl

Jungkook is next to me and she's on his other side, her head on his shoulder

I want her

Especially because I had her once already

Two months ago, we had sex

It just happened

I was alone in the dorm and she came to hang out with Jungkook and decided to wait for him

I stayed with her to keep her company and it just happened

It was seriously the best sex I ever had

Everything about her is perfect for me

I’ve had sex after her and it’s no where near as amazing as it was with her

I can’t stop thinking about her body and how good she felt

Honestly it’s just sex

I like her but only as a friend

And she feels the same

She asked if we can still be friends and not make it weird between us

I agreed and we haven’t spoken about it

Everything went back to normal

Except for my imagination and my need for her

I’m dying over here and she has no idea

--------------------------------

After the movie ends, she gets up and goes to Jungkook’s room with him to hang with him

“So Mortal Kombat?”, I hear him ask

“Yeah. I’m gonna kick your ass”

He laughs, “Oh Jo, you’re so cute”

“Shut up”, she giggles

I’m so jealous she spends time with him

I also wonder if she and Jungkook have ever been together

Or if they just see each other as best friends, like brother and sister

I get even more jealous just thinking that they might be going to be with each other

Fuck I need her

--------------------------------

“I’ll see you tomorrow Kookie”, I hear her say as she leaves his room

Here’s my chance

I fly off my bed and open the door to my room

She passes by and I pull her arm

“The fuck?”, she shouts, then turns to see me

I stare at her beautiful face and all words leave my brain

“Oh hey Jimin. You scared me. You ok?”

“Uh no”, I answer

God I sound like an idiot

“No? What’s wrong?”, she asks concerned

I pull her into my room and close the door

“Uh”, she says right before I kiss her

Fuck what am I doing?

I move my head back, pulling away to apologize but she pulls me back to her, kissing me

She lets me slide my tongue in her mouth and she moans

Fuck, yes

I pull away, “I need you. I need your pussy. I need to be inside you. I need to cum”

I’m honestly so shocked that I’m saying this

I’m just not thinking

She’s going to slap me

“Yeah Jimin?”

“Yeah”, I nod, “I can’t stop thinking about the last time. About you on me, how perfect I fit in you. I need you”

“So you just want to cum?”, she asks

“Yeah but I need it to be you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. Sex with you has been the best I ever had and I need more”

“Ok Jimin.”

I’m shocked she’s agreeing

And not yelling at me

“Ok?”

“Yeah. Ok. Take what you want”, she smirks

Yes

Fuck yes

Pushing her against the door, my lips on hers, I start pulling her shorts and panties down

I feel her pulling mine and my boxers down too

Once both of us have them off, I grab her leg and wrap it around me, thrusting in hard.

Yes

Oh god yes

She’s just like I remember but better

“Fuck”, she yells

“Fuck Joanne, yes. God you’re so fucking tight. So good”, I moan

“Fuck me Jimin. Hard”, she asks

I start slamming in her hard, just going straight to rough sex

“Fuck yea!”, she yells

She gets so fucking wet and I feel it all over me.

She pulls at my shirt and lifts it off me, throwing it behind me

Her hands start running all over my back and in my hair

Her touches feel so fucking good

She’s wearing a flimsy tank top and I just grab the top and rip it down the middle, tearing it off her

“God Jimin. You’re so fucking hot”

I pull her off the door long enough to take her bra off then slam her back on it

“Yes baby. I love when you’re fucking rough”, she yells

Good because I love it too

We were rough all last time too

I slam in her and she tightens on me so tightly screaming my name and coming all over me

“Jimin! Fuck yes. God yes!”

“God baby you’re fucking amazing. You feel fucking amazing.”

I pull out and turn her around, pushing her against the door again

“Open”, I growl

She opens her stance wider and I thrust up in her again

Leaning over I kiss her back and her shoulders while slamming in her

“Fuck Jimin”, she moans loudly

“C'mon baby. You know you wanna cum again. Just do it”, I urge

“I..I…”

“Don’t I fuck you good enough to make you cum?”, I ask

“Yeah Jimin. Yes you do”

“Then cum baby”

I slide hard inside causing her loud scream and her pussy to throb on me when she orgasms again

God, so good

I move harder, turning so I’m leaning against the wall

I pull her against me, her back on my chest, her head on my shoulder

I lift one of her legs up, giving me better access to pound her pussy

“Jimin, oh god Jimin”

“Yea baby, scream my fucking name”, I growl kissing her neck and shoulder, thrusting so hard

“Cum baby”, I yell, “I need it. I fucking need it now”

“Jimin!”, she screams

Yes holy fuck yes

I love when she cums on me

I can’t get enough

Pulling out, I turn her back around again, against the door

Dropping to my knees, I open her legs more and lick her pussy

“Jimin”, she cries

“So good Jo. You taste so fucking good”, I moan, licking her

She does taste amazing

How I don’t know

I really don’t

But I love her taste and I want her in my mouth all the time

I think about it all the time

Sliding my tongue up, I flick her clit causing more screams

I love making her scream

“Joanne?”, I hear Jungkook come out of his room

I close my lips on her clit and suck

“Oh god Jimin”, she shouts

She shudders while I keep sucking on her and I love it

“Jo, where are you? I thought you were leaving?”, Jungkook calls

“Jimin, don’t stop. Jimin”, she whimpers

So I don’t, the next suck on her clit causes another orgasm

“Jimin fuck Jimin!”, she screams, her hands flying in my hair and holding my head to her pussy

I lick her and moan from how good she is

“Oh fuck baby. You taste so good”, I groan

“Jimin”, she moans

“What the hell?”, I hear Jungkook yell

“More Jo. I want more. Cum again. I want more in my mouth baby”, I moan, slurping on her clit, her cunt soaking my face in her sweet cream

“Shit Jimin”, she yells

“Please?”

“Yes, yes fuck yes”

I smirk and lick her, swirling my tongue all over her pussy

I hear the door knob turn and the door start to open

Without stopping, I reach out and slam the door closed

“Hey what the fuck?”, Jungkook yells

I let go of her for a second to shout, “Go away”, then move my tongue on her

“Jimin? What the hell? Is Jo with you? What are you doing to her?”

I ignore him and keep pleasuring her with my tongue, getting her closer to coming again

Fuck, I want it so much

I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I want her this much

But I do

“Jimin!”, Jungkook yells

“I’m eating her out. Go away!”

“Jimin fuck that’s so hot”, she moans

“What! Oh gross, I don’t want to hear that!”, Jungkook yells

“Jimin, Jimin, Jimin!”, she screams, coming on my tongue, “Oh fuck Jimin”

Yes fuck yes

I swallow her sweet cum, then lick inside her to get more

Which causes her to explode again, screaming my name

“Oh fuck, I’m out”, Jungkook yells and I hear him walking away

“Jimin. Jimin!”, she calls breathing hard

“Yeah baby?”, I answer

“I need…I…..need”

“What baby girl? What do you need?”

“You Jimin. I need your hard cock inside. Now”

She pushes me back, making me lay on the floor

She climbs on me and I grab her hips and slide her on my cock

“Fuck” she moans

“Yes Jo. Fuck so tight. I love being inside you”

She starts bouncing on me and pleasure blasts in my body

I yell from how good it feels

“You like it baby?”, she smirks

I just nod rapidly

“You like the way I fuck your cock? The way my tight pussy holds you?”

“Yes fuck yes! Oh my god yes!”, I shout

“Good boy”

She tightens on me and I can’t fucking handle it

She moves harder and faster

“Jo, I’m….”

“Yeah Jimin”, she moans

“Can I cum inside Jo? Please can I? I don’t want to leave”, I beg

“Yes Jimin. Yes”, she whimpers

I thrust up hard into her, coming in her

“Joanne fuck!, Joanne!”, I scream, closing my eyes

“Jimin!”, she cries, starting to shake on me, coming too

God it feels out of this world

To have her clenching and cum on me while I cum at the same time- fucking heaven

She climbs off and sits next to me breathing hard

I’m still laying down, trying to breathe

I still want her

I just need a second

After I get my breathing under control, I get up, pulling her up too

Then I pick her up and throw her on my bed

“More Jimin?”, she smirks

“Yea. I’m horny for you. You’re cunt. Just yours”

“Yea Jimin? Well I’m here for you. Come and get it”, she teases

I don’t need to be told twice

Turning her over and pulling her on all fours, I pound back into her

“God Jimin. I love you fucking cock baby. You’re so fucking hard.”

I ram my cock in her hard and fast, feeling her get so wet

“Harder Jimin. I want it harder!”, she yells

Fuck she’s wild

I’m already going so hard and she wants more

Spreading her legs open more, I slam as hard as I can in her

“Yes, Oh god yes. It feels so good”, she cries

She starts moving slamming herself back on me when I thrust in

I hit so deep inside her, listening to her screaming for me not to stop

“Oh god Jimin!”, she shouts

Her pussy tightens on me as she climaxes

Watching her cum all over my cock, makes me so much more horny

Her pussy grabs my cock so tightly and doesn’t let go

“Oh fuck”, I yell as I keep going

After a few more thrusts, she comes again, moaning loudly

I’m getting closer but I need her to cum again

I need to feel it, feel her squeeze my cock

The best feeling in the world is when she cums on me

Pounding in deep, she yells as her orgasm runs through her, “Jimin, cum baby. I want you to cum in me.”

“Yes baby, yes, I want to”, I groan, moving more

Her tightness is driving me crazy and the next thrust has me coming, waves of pleasure passing over me

I pull out and watch as my cum leaks out of her and all over her legs

Jesus, that’s so fucking hot

She’s laying face down, so I lay next to her

“Damn Jimin. That was fun”

“Yyyy…yeah”

Fun?

It was fucking amazing

After a few minutes, she says, “I should go”

I guess she should

“Uh ok”

She gets up and I watch her get her panties, pants and bra on

“Uh Jimin, you kinda ripped my shirt”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. You can wear one of mine”, I offer

“Yeah ok. I’ll bring it back next time I come over”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine”

She shrugs, “Ok”

She puts the shirt on

It’s baggy on her but she looks good

And for some strange reason I like that she’s wearing my shirt

“I see you later Jimin”, she says

“Wait”, I say before she gets to my door

“Yeah?”, she asks turning around

“Can we keep doing this? Sleeping together I mean”

She raises her eyebrow, “With me? You can have any girl Jimin, why me?”

I honestly don’t know

It’s just something about her body that gets me off

“I…I can’t explain it. It’s just your body Jo. Your pussy is the best I’ve ever been in. You’re the best girl I ever tasted. Ever since we had sex two months ago, any girl I sleep with doesn’t compare to you at all. My body just reacts to yours, just wants yours.”

“Wow. Uh ok”

“C'mon Jo, you know your body reacts to mine too. I feel you, the way you’re pussy keeps me in you, the way you shake when you cum, the way you scream.”

“Yeah. You’re right Jimin. My body does want yours. But I’m not some fuck toy. I’m not some cunt you can just cum in when you want”

I’m not explaining things well

I don’t want her to think that's what I want

I mean I do want that but I want her to know that she can use me to cum too

“Look Jo, I’m not asking you to do that. I want things to be mutual. I wanna be able to have you when I need to cum but I want you to be able to have me when you need to cum too. You can call me when you want it and I’ll go to you. It’s not just me calling you”, I explain

She looks at me silently for a minute

Maybe this was a bad idea

But I know I’m not going to stop wanting her

“Fine, but no feelings. Just sex”, she says

“Yes, that’s what I want too. Just sex.”, I answer

“And you can’t fuck anyone else without a condom. I’m not catching any diseases. If you don’t want to wear a condom with me, then you wear it with anyone else”

“That’s fine. I don’t want to use a condom with you”

“Ok. I don’t like them anyway. And I’m on birth control so don’t worry about me getting pregnant. It won't happen”

“Ok good”

“Ok”, she nods

“Ok”

She turns and leaves my room

I just sit there amazed that I got what I want

🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥

Six Months Later

Jimin POV

I look at the time in the practice room

Another hour and we’re done

She called me two hours ago, asking me to come to her apartment

I texted her that I’ll be there as soon as practice is over

She hasn’t texted me back

It’s been six months since she and I started sleeping with each other

Jungkook didn’t want to talk about me and her and what he heard

He said he doesn’t want to know a damn thing and to leave him out of anything we do together

Sex with her is fucking mind blowing

It was always rough, hard wild sex for the longest time

But in the last two months sex has changed with her

I find myself not just going with her to just cum anymore I’m going to be with her

I mean we still have our times when we rip each others clothes off or we’re having sex even before all our clothes are off

But lately, more often than not, we’re going slower

I find myself kissing her more, all over, not just her lips but her shoulders, her neck, her hands, everywhere

I play with her hair a lot more, I hold her hand when I’m on top of her, I cuddle with her after

I love having her in my arms I can feel everything so much more when we go slow

I feel every move she makes, every squeeze, every breath

And when she cums on me, Jesus, it’s fucking mind blowing

And I know why

I’m falling in love

Hell, scratch that

I am in love

And I feel so stupid

So terrified

Because there’s no way she’ll want me

She complains all the time about my schedule and me not being immediately available for sex like she is for me

She has to wait hours or days if we’re really busy

And I get it

She drops everything and comes to me when I want her, unless she’s working

I can text her and in 10 to 20 minutes she’s in my room with me or at her apartment waiting for me. And she stays with me for hours

Because she takes it when I have free time

A lot of the time, when she texts me, I can maybe get there within an hour and I can only stay for a little bit

She’s mostly understanding unless she’s really horny, then she angry fucks me

Or she’s not horny anymore when I get there

She also sometimes calls me to tell me to forget about coming over

I know it bothers her but she acts like it doesn’t

So if it’s this complicated and it’s just sex, how am I supposed to have a relationship?

And not just with her, but with any girl

My schedule is crazy

I’d have to leave her to go on tour

There’s no way she’d want to be with an idol

I don’t blame her

But I love her

And I don’t know what to do

--------------------------------

I get to her apartment three hours after she called me

I feel like such a dick

It’s 1 am

I use the key she gave me to let myself in

Her apartment is dark

Is she home?

Did she go out?

I make my way to her room, trying not to trip and kill myself in the dark

Opening her door, I see her in her bed

Asleep

She has the lamp on her nightstand on

Walking to her, I look at her

She’s so fucking beautiful

She looks like a fucking angel while sleeping

She’s on her side, cuddled into her pillow, blanket half on her

I notice she��s wearing one of my shirts

It’s the one I gave her last week

When we get wild, I rip a lot of her shirts, so I give her mine to wear

That’s all she’s wearing, my shirt

I’m not going to wake her up

I feel bad that she fell asleep waiting for me

It’s not fair to her that she has to wait for me all the time

I don’t want to leave though

I want to stay with her

So I get undressed, leaving my shirt and boxers on, then lay next to her

I just want her in my arms

Turning off the light, I cuddle into her back

“I’m sorry Jo”, I whisper, “I love you”

Kissing the back of her neck, I put my arm around her and close my eyes

--------------------------------

I feel her moving

Opening my eyes, I see that it’s still night I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep

She’s is turning in my arms, to face me

“What?”, she says, opening her eyes and looking at me sleepily

“Jimin?”, she asks

“Yeah Jo. I’m sorry”

“Huh? For what?”, she asks groggily

“For taking so long to come. You were asleep when I got here.”

“Oh. It doesn’t matter Jimin. You’re here now”, she answers

It doesn’t matter?

She only cares that I’m here right now

It feels good to hear her say that

“Oh uh..”

“I just want you Jimin”, she says cuddling into me

My mind is racing

And I’m shocked

She wants me?

Does she feel the same way I do?

I hope she does

“Jimin, you’re staying right?”, she asks

Uh, fuck yes. “Yeah Jo. I’ll stay”

“Ok. Can you hold me while we sleep? I just want to be in your arms”, she says tiredly

Oh my god

Yes yes, fuck yes

“Yes Jo. I want you in my arms all night. I won’t let go. I promise”

“Ok”, she replies, half asleep

Running my fingers in her hair, she starts to breathe evenly

“My Jimin”, she whispers, “I love you Jimin”

My breath catches

What?

Is it true?

Or did she say it because she’s almost asleep and doesn’t know what she’s saying?

I hope she means it

“I love you Joanne”, I say to her

She makes a little noise

I don’t know if she heard me

I look down at her and see she’s asleep

Kissing her head, I hold her to me, waiting to fall asleep

--------------------------------

I wake up to kisses all over my face

The best fucking way to wake up

Opening my eyes, her face comes into focus

She smiles then kisses my lips

“Hi Jimin”

“Hi Jo”, I answer

“You’re so cute when you sleep Jimin”

“Me? No Jo, you’re cuter. You’re adorable the way you cuddle in your blankets”

Her cheeks turn red when she blushes

“Aww baby don’t be embarrassed”, I laugh

She scowls but I see her holding back a smile

“Shut up and kiss me”, she demands

I want nothing more

Pulling her down to me, I kiss her soft lips gently

She kisses me back and slides her tongue in my mouth

Fuck I love it

I love kissing her

Her arms go around my neck pulling me on top of her

I run my hand up and down her body, making her hold onto me more tightly

She pulls on my shirt and I lift myself up so she can take it off

“I love your body Jimin. I can look at you all day”

I blush, “I uh….thanks. I’m sorry I uh don’t have abs right now”

“Are you being serious? Why are you apologizing for that?”

I don’t know

I’m known for my abs.

ARMYS always want me to have them and if I don’t I get criticized

But I’ve been slacking on working out

“Jimin do you think I really care about that?”, she exclaims

“Uh…”

“I don’t Jimin. I don’t give a fuck if you have abs or not. It doesn’t matter to me. I love your body with or without abs. You are perfect just the way you are”

I love when she tells me stuff like that

I know I don’t act like it on stage but I’m really insecure about a lot of stuff

My body is one of them

But she’s constantly telling me that I’m beautiful, sexy, hot

The best part is she’s being serious

She’s not just saying it

The way she looks at me, the way she touches me shows me she’s not lying, which blows my mind

Like how she’s looking at me now

“I…uh..I”, I stutter

“Don’t worry about things like that with me ok Jimin. I don’t care about things like that. I just want you”

“I just want you too Jo”

“Then kiss me Jimin and don’t stop”

I crash my lips to hers, kissing her hard

Kissing down her neck, she moans making me hard

I sit up, opening her legs and immediately start licking her

“Jimin”, she whimpers

I love eating her out

Laying my tongue flat on her, I lick up her pussy over and over

She gets so fucking wet, going all over my mouth

God she’s everything

I lay my tongue on her clit and lick the same spot again and again

I know her clit is where she wants it most, where it feels the best and I always give it to her

It’s my favorite place to lick and suck

It’s crazy how that little spot causes massive pleasure

“Oh god Jimin”, she shouts, her hands pulling my hair

It feels good. Taking her clit in my mouth I suck on her

“Jimin! Fuck Jimin!”, she screams, shaking and coming in my mouth

So fucking good

Kissing up her body, I pull her shirt off before I kiss her lips

She pulls down my boxers as far as she can and I kick them off

I just want her on me, on top of me

I love watching her move, watching the pleasure take over her face

“Please baby”, I whisper, hovering over her and kissing her softly

“Please what Jiminie?”, she answers

“Please Jo, ride me. I want you to ride me baby. I want it so bad”, I kiss her again

“Yeah Jimin”, she says, brushing hair from my face, “I will baby”

I roll over pulling her on top of me

She sits up on my lap, hovering over my cock

Slowly she lowers herself, instantly drenching my cock as she slides down

“Jimin, baby, Jimin”, she moans the more she moves down

Pleasure blasts in my body and it’s just from going in her

She leans back, her hands on my legs and she starts moving, sliding up and down my cock

I don't know where to watch, her or my cock going in her pussy

Every time she goes up, I can see her juice all over me and it turns me on so much

She moves faster and harder, making pleasure flow everywhere

“Ahhh god Jimin, you feel so good”, she moans, “so fucking hard”

Fuck I love how much she loves me in her

I reach out and touch her- her hips, her stomach, her sides

Her head is thrown back and her breasts are bouncing so fast and so hard from how hard she’s fucking me

She’s fucking gorgeous

“I love your cock in my pussy baby. You’re cock is the best I ever fucked”

“Fuck baby girl. You’re fucking tight cunt is the best I ever had. My cock loves being in you.”

Reaching out I touch her clit and she yells loudly

I start playing, rubbing and sliding my fingers there while she keeps fucking me

I feel myself getting close but I need her to cum first

“Show me baby”, I moan

"Hhhh..huh?”, she stutters

“Show me how much you love my cock baby. Cum on me”

“Jjjj…Jimin”

“I want it Jo. I want to feel you. You feel so good when you cum”

She slams hard which starts her orgasm

I keep rubbing her clit, urging her on, “Yes baby. God I fucking love it. Squeeze me baby. Don’t let go of my cock baby”

Her whole body shakes while screams rip from her

She keeps moving on me, wanting me to cum

She doesn’t have to say it

We’ve been together enough that I know what she wants

I’m right there, she just needs to move a few more times

Instead she tightens on me so fucking tightly and slides down

“Joanne, Joanne, Joanne!”, I scream, coming so hard, “Baby fuck, oh my God, Jo”

“Yes Jimin”, she moans

I roll over, getting her on her back

I slip back in, feeling her pussy filled with my cum and hers

I fucking love that feeling, both of us on me

I honestly don’t know why

Opening her legs more, I slowly thrust inside her

“Jimin”, she sighs

I lean over her, looking down at her

She smiles at me, reaching up and touching my cheek

The love I feel for this girl is so fucking intense

She moves her hands, running her fingers along my back, fire bursting on my skin wherever she touches

I can’t hold it back I don’t want to anymore

“I love you”, I tell her

Her gaze snaps back to mine

“I love you so much Joanne. Everything about you, I’m so in love with. Every single thing”

I’m scared of what she’s going to say but I’m tired of pretending I don’t love her

A huge smile bursts on her face

“I love you Jimin. More than anything”, she answers

Happiness burst in my body

Just pure euphoria

“Yeah?”, I ask

“Yeah Jimin. I’m in love with everything about you too.”

“So…are you mine now?”, I ask shyly

She nods immediately

“Yes Jimin, all yours”, she answers

Smiling so hard, I lean down kissing her lips

Her arms wrap around my neck, kissing me back

I start moving again, going slowly

“Jimin”, she moans, “You feel so good baby”

I lean my forehead against her, whimpering

“Don’t stop Jimin”, she asks

“I won’t”, I whisper

The room fills with just the sound of our soft moans

“Jimin”, she whimpers

She pulls me down for a kiss

I’m kissing her when she cums

Her hand grips my hair tightly, moaning in my mouth

Just the feeling of her coming causes pure pleasure to run through me, making me cum as well

Pulling away from her lips, I moan in her neck, her arms going around me

“I love you”, she whispers

“I love you” I answer her back

I just lay there, on top of her, loving the feeling of being in her arms

This is everything I ever wanted since I was younger

Just a girl who loves me as much as I love her

And I’m so happy I found her

She’s my everything

#park jimin fanfic #bts jimin fanfic #jimin fanfic #bts jimin smut #park jimin smut #jimin smut #bts fanfic #bts smut

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riizebabie444 · 2 years ago

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your future spouse’s love language

hi! i'm pearl and i’m so happy you chose this reading ♡ today’s reading is all about the love language of your future spouse and how they express it. this is my first pac on this blog so I hope you enjoy!

♡ disclaimer ♡ please remember that all tarot readings posted on this blog are for fun and entertainment; you should not refer to these readings as a replacement for advice or guidance on serious matters.

reblogs are appreciated, as is feedback! find more pac’s in my masterlist! check out my paid readings and exchange readings! and donations are greatly appreciated ♡

♥︎ pile 1 ♥︎

♡ love language ♡

quality time + acts of service

♡ how they express love ♡

i immediately see that this person is not a touchy–feely type; they don’t particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with physical touch, especially the type you might expect in a relationship. so, physical touch is definitely on the bottom of the list of their love languages. however, they do like holding your hand and burying their face in your body. and it is clear to me that quality time is very important to them.

this person loves deep conversations; i’m hearing, in particular, the half–full/half–empty debate. i believe it is of importance to them and may be a deciding factor in whether or not they want to pursue you. they seem like the type of person who would use this debate or others like it to judge other people. but regardless, i think they are genuinely a philosophical person; they love talking with you, getting to the roots of your brain and heart, finding out how you feel and why you feel those things so they can know you better.

i think they’re quite a sensitive person; i have reason to believe that for some of you reading this, your future spouse may have grown up with separated or divorced parents, or a broken family in general. this reflects a lot in how they allow themselves to love. they don’t like touch or pda because they very rarely saw it with their own parents. they also may have not received a lot of attention as a child, and this is why quality time is important to them.

i’m seeing art very prominently, so either them or you could be artists. i said quality time and i definitely think expressing yourselves together creatively would be fun to do. maybe art dates, or walks in nature and under the stars to gain inspiration for art. and other activities like pottery class or bouquet making, they might take you to a wreath making class do you can make one together for your home in the holidays; if there's anything fun and creative to do, they want to do it with you.

they have a rough edge that is hard to crack through. but they are driven and if they are serious about you, they will put in the effort. i’m seeing acts of service, like always paying for meals and bringing/making you coffee and driving you to where you need to go. it would also be hard to read their facial expressions, but they are soft for you on the inside and you will know this because of all the little things they do for you.

♡ symbols and signs ♡

clouds, paint/drawing/art, crying, the letter s, a white horse or other white animals (such as a dog or cat), heterochromia, gemini, 5, tree, stars, 32, mythology, leo/5th house, opiuchus, dark brown hair, roses, water signs.

♡ cards ♡

the artist, knight of swords, the lovers rv, five of cups rv

♥︎ pile 2 ♥︎

♡ love language ♡

acts of service, gift giving + quality time

♡ how they express love ♡

from them, i am getting the image of an angel who gives. they are a generous person; they like giving to support you. whether it is extravagant gifts or simply helping you in giving you what you need to get by. i see both ends of the spectrum — for some of you, they will be able to give you expensive and fancy things, and for some of you, they will not be as disposable with their income but will still give to you because they care about you.

gold is popping out a lot, so maybe gold jewellery or other gold gifts, or maybe they like gold wrapping paper. and it is not subjective – it can be anything deemed precious, like gold. but i also see they are quite moderate, so they prefer to give gifts with deep thought and meanings to them rather than going straight for the most expensive and fancy looking item in the store.

i see this person with a lot of fears and anxieties in regards to the relationship they have with you, and they may also worry you feel the same way. and it’s normal to have these feelings at some point in a relationship. so, i think they’d be urged to give more gifts when they have those worries. they want to appeal to you with generosity which could turn into an unhealthy habit, so keep an eye out for those who this resonates with.

bringing you water on a hot day — this image feels really clear. maybe those of you reading this live in a hot country, or really like hot weather. i see the sun bright in the sky and they’re worried you may be dehydrated or suffering from heatstroke, so they will always make sure you are drinking enough water, especially during hot weather.

and carrying on with the topic of sun, there’s a scene where the sun is touching the horizon. perhaps you guys went to watch the sun set after a date. gold rays are coming in strongly, so it might be your guys’ thing – watching the sun set or rise and leaving the curtains open in your home so the rooms can fill with warm, bright light from the sun. consistency is important to them, so little routines like these that you both enjoy makes them feel so special and they love being reminded that you are there to experience these moments with them.

♡ symbols and signs ♡

sagittarius, water signs, flowing water, nightmares, sun, jupiter, marigolds, sunset and/or sunrise, 10, wings, studio ghibli, unhealthy habits, summer, 444

♡ cards ♡

temperance, nine of swords, knight of cups, seven of wands.

♥︎ pile 3 ♥︎

♡ love language ♡

physical touch, quality time + words of affirmation

♡ how they express love ♡

with two kings here, i definitely see they are very vocal and confident with their words. they seem like the person who always speaks their mind, whether they are expressing happy thoughts or bad ones. that also means they will make it clear when they are upset or angry, but it also means they will clear any doubts you have and make sure you know that they love you.

although, for some of you, i see that your future spouse could be the type who falls silent when they are angry, but even in this case, they will eventually tell you what the issue is and make it clear that their feelings for you don’t change so easily.

in particular, i hear “you’re the best!” and grabbing your head and kissing you on the forehead. “i’m so lucky,” “i couldn’t have figured this out without you,” and “you look great in that outfit,” are what i’m also hearing. i think for some of you, your future spouse will be the type of person who has a catchphrase, like “i’m impressed,” or something along those lines. this is just what i heard, but it could be anything, and they will tend to use it to boost your confidence, and also when they are trying to flirt with you.

they obviously love to spend time with you, but i think they will particularly love holidays with you. i’m seeing quiet villas in countries along the equator, maybe that resonates with some of you. for others, i see the coast. peaceful getaways are like a goldmine to them; they may not happen a lot but when they do, they have the best times of their lives with you.

and holding hands is so prominent. just hands in general. even if you’re holding something else in your hand, they will take it and replace it with their own hand. physical touch like cuddling and kissing would take place, but for them, touching you with their hands is what fulfils them. it’s the fact that you are real and touchable so they always need that reality check to ensure you’re really there. and if you like all the touching, then they will do it tenfold. holding hands, or their hands roaming all over your body; whatever it is, they will almost always have their hands on you.

♡ symbols and signs ♡

323, twice (kpop girl group), coasts, nice hands, black birds, italy, blue skies, 11, magpies, graduation, purple gown, olives, pastel colours, chameleon, green, greece

♡ cards ♡

ace of swords, two of wands, king of wands, king of swords

#pac #tarot #tarot reading #tarot pac #pick a card #tarot pick a card #tarot pick a pile #future spouse #future spouse tarot reading #fs pac #jella’s readings

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mysticalmallard · 4 months ago

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Groceries

Description: Opie struggles with shopping alone for the first time. This is part 2 in my Opie and the waitress series.

Word Count: 5,097

Warnings: none I think

SoA Taglist: @arkytiorlecter @aimkatsz @ravennaortiz @darqchilddaydreamz @mischiefnevermanaged89-blog @hatersaremymotivators @theshynerdsworld @thefrogytimes @youngadult9016

♥︎ If you wish to be added or removed from this taglist comment or message me ♥︎

Parts:

1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 •

SoA Masterlist ♥︎ Main Masterlist ♥︎ Series Masterlist

Opie groans as he pushes his cart down the aisle of the local grocery store. The place is packed, people bustling around as they pick up their weekly shopping. He feels extremely out of place here, being a much larger compared to the other people in the store.

He reaches a hand up to rub his temple as he attempts to decide what to put into his cart. He is used to Donna taking care of things like this, and he can't keep letting Gemma do it for him, but he is severely out of his depth here.

As he is contemplating what to pick up, he turns the corner of the aisle, and he walks straight into something, or should he say someone.

Opie lets out a small grunt as he bumps into the person at the other end of the aisle, and he takes a step back, an apology on the tip of his tongue.

Opie opens his mouth to speak, but when he looks down he realises that the person he has just collided with is none other than the waitress from a few nights ago, the one that has been in his thoughts ever since.

She looks up at him with surprise, recognition flashing in her eyes as she realises who it is in front of her. "Opie?" she asks, a smile on her face that Opie feels like could make his heart stop.

He is sure his brain has just short-circuited by hearing her say his name in that soft quiet tone. He stares back at her for a moment, unable to find his voice to speak, before he clears his throat, forcing himself to speak. "Yeah, hi" he replies gruffly.

She can't help the smile that appears on her face, and she glances around his cart, taking notice of how it is nearly empty. "Shopping?" she inquires, a slight cheeky tone in her voice.

Opie follows her gaze to his cart, and can't help the small flush of embarrassment that rushes through him. "Yeah..uh...I guess I don’t really know what I'm doin" he stutters out awkwardly, raking a hand through his hair.

She gives a small chuckle, amused at the fact this big strong man is struggling with grocery shopping, and she glances at his cart again for a moment. "Looks like you're missing at least a few essentials" she tells him softly.

Opie can't help but feel a small pang of irritation at her chuckle, but her soft tone seems to ease that feeling, and he lets out a sigh. "Yeah, I never needed to learn any of this..." he admits, running a hand down his bearded face.

She gently places her basket into his cart and holds her hand out to him expectantly.

Opie can't help the surprise as he watches her slip her basket into his cart, and he can't help the small shudder of excitement that rushes through him when she holds her hand out to him.

He glances down at her hand in confusion, unsure of what she is wanting.

"Gimme your shopping list. I'll help you find what you need" she chuckles at his expression.

Opie can't help the flush of embarrassment that spreads across his face as she starts to chuckle at him, for the second time in less than 5 minutes. "I...erm...don't have a list" he stammers out, rubbing a hand over his neck awkwardly.

The waitress can't help the surprised expression on her face as he tells her that he doesn't have a list. "You came to a grocery store without a list? Rookie mistake" she shakes her head at him tutting.

Opie gives a sheepish shrug, feeling more and more foolish by the minute. He is supposed to be this rough 'biker' type, yet he is having trouble with something as simple as grocery shopping.

"I know" he grumbles out in reply, feeling the heat on his face.

The waitress can't help the smile that appears on her face at the sight of his sheepishness, the rough biker man getting worked up over something like grocery shopping.

Opie watches as she starts going through his cart, feeling even more useless as he realises there is barely anything in there. He knows the other Sons would laugh at him if they knew that he didn't even have the bare minimum essentials.

"So...how many are you shopping for?" She asks looking back at him.

Opie hesitates before answering, he had hoped that she wouldn't ask that question. He isn't sure what her reaction will be to the realisation that he has 2 young kids.

He glances down at the floor momentarily before replying, knowing it is best to be honest. "me and my two kids" he mutters.

The waitress's eyebrows raise in surprise as she does the math in her head. This big biker is a dad? She can't help to be a little shocked, the idea of such a tough man having kids is something she never expected.

"How old are they?" she asks curiously.

Opie looks up at her as she asks, and he can see the surprise on her face. He knows that he doesn't look like the typical father, and he isn't exactly sure why he is so nervous to tell her the truth.

"uh, I got a 11 year old and a 7 year old" he replies, a small smile appearing on his face as he thinks of them.

Her expression softens considerably as she hears the age of his kids. The thought of this big biker of a man having two young children is beyond adorable to her.

"That's quite a gap between them" she comments with a small smile.

Opie lets out a small chuckle at her comment, knowing it is very true.

"Yeah, my daughter, Ellie, came as a surprise. I guess I wasn't the best at wrapping it....we were more careful after for a while until we diecided to have Kenny, my boy" he jokes with a smirk.

She bursts into small giggles, "Well, I don't know much about kids, but I do know that they probably won't be too happy if you bring them back BranFlakes for breakfast."

Opie can't help but feel a rush of endearment at the sound of her giggles, she has a cute soft voice, and watching her laugh is making his chest ache.

He glances down at the half empty cart, embarrassed at his lack of experience in this department. "You're probably right" he mutters.

She smiles before grabbing his cart, and gesturing for him to follow her. "Well, we better make sure we get some 'kid approved' items in there" she chuckles, shooting him a cheeky grin over her shoulder.

Opie can't help the small grin that appears on his face at the sight of her cheeky grin, his chest aching even more as she starts walking away.

He follows along behind her, watching as she starts grabbing things and placing them into his cart.

"Are there any allergies I need to know about?" She asks looking over her sholder at him.

Opie glances up from watching her fill the cart as she asks the question, and shakes his head in reply. "Nah, Ellie likes to joke that she's allergic to broccoli, but other than that, they eat nearly anything you give them" he says with a small chuckle.

She can't help the small giggle she lets out at the mention of the broccoli, imagining the little girl refusing any food that has the dreaded broccoli in it. "Duly noted" she says with a nod.

She grabs the BranFlakes box out of the cart and places it back on the shelf before walking down to the more sugar filled boxes. She thinks for a while before grabbing a box of cocoa pebbles. "You really can't go wrong with chocolate flavoured anything when it comes to kids" she comments placing the box in the cart.

Opie can't help but agree as he glances at the box of cereal she places into the cart. If there is one thing he knows about his kids, it's that they will eat nearly anything that contains sugar. He watches as she grabs a few more items and places them into the cart before asking her a question that has been playing on his mind since she began helping him.

"You, uh, don't have any kids yourself?" he inquires, not taking his eyes off her as he awaits her answer.

She feels a little pang of sadness at his question. The truth was that she did want kids someday, she came close a couple times but it didn't work out, probably for the best her Ex wasn't the nicest. "No, no kids" she replies quietly, her smile slipping for just a moment before she quickly turns to grab a couple bags of chips from the shelf, and places them in the cart.

Opie senses the change in tone as she replies to his question, and he can guess from her expression that the answer is a touchy subject for her. He wants to ask why, but he feels like it might be a bad idea and decides to change the subject.

He watches quietly as she continues filling the cart with kid approved items. "I feel kinda bad, you're basically doin' all the work" he comments, watching her carefully with his intense gaze.The waitress looks back at him as she hears his comment, a small smirk on her face at the look on his face.

She stops her search through the shelves and turns to face him, patting his chest. " I don't mind, I'm having fun." She reassures him, giving him a sweet smile. "but if you really wanna help you can push the cart" she offers walking off towards the fridges leaving the cart with him.

Opie can't help the small shudder he feels when she pats his chest, his body yearning for her touch. "Bossy" he mutters playfully, grabbing the handle of the cart and rolling it after her.

The waitress shoots him a cheeky grin over her shoulder as she hears him call her bossy, and she can't help the fluttering feeling that appears in her stomach at the sight of his grumpy face as he pushes the cart behind her.

They reach the fridge section and she grabs a few cartons of milks and juices, placing them into the cart before walking over to the meat section.

"You seem like a meat and potatoes kind of guy...you have any steak preferences?" She asks putting some eggs in the cart carefully leaning over to make sure they're placed right.

Opie's eyes can't help but go straight to her ass as she leans over, and he has to hold back a low growl, his mind imagining all the things he would do to her.

He manages to compose himself enough to reply to her question, and he quickly turns his gaze away from her. "uh, yeah steak is good. I guess I'm not picky on what kind" he stutters out, his voice hoarse.

The waitress glances back over her shoulder as she catches the tone of his voice, and tries to hide her smile when she realises what he's likely looking at.

"So I'll just grab a few T-Bones for you" she replies innocently, trying her best not to grin as she grabs a few steaks and places them into the cart.

Opie feels his face heat up as she catches him looking at her, she definitely knows what he was looking at, but she doesn't seem too upset by the fact.

He can't help the small smirk that appears on his face as she teases him by grabbing a few T-bones, knowing that she has him all figured out. "Yeah, I like T-Bones" he concurs, his voice back to its usual gruff tone.

She giggles at his response, knowing she had guessed right. She turns to look at him, a grin on her face, " I knew it" she grins, putting a couple more things into the cart.

She glances at their cart and realises they have everything they need, so she turns and starts walking to the check out area, motioning for Opie to follow along.

Opie pushes the cart after her as she heads for the checkout area, noting how well stocked the cart is now, and he can't help but feel grateful to her. He had no idea what he was doing, but she just took control and made it so easy.

As they reach the end of the aisle, he lets out a small sigh, not wanting this time with her to end.

She fishes out her basket, and he notices that she forgot to do her own shopping. Opie realises that she must have been so busy helping him that she didn't have the chance to get her own things, and he feels the guilt rising in his chest.

"Hey, you didn't even get anythin' for yourself" he points out looking down at her basket with only a few items.

She shrugs and gives him a small smile, "I was more focused on helping you out, I didn't really need much anyway."

She gestures for him to come forward and starts placing her items on the conveyor belt for the cashier to scan.

Opie can't help but feel bad at her casual reply. He really hates the idea of her doing all the work to help him, and not even grabbing some stuff for herself.

The least he can do is pay for her stuff.

He watches as she places her items onto the conveyor belt and removes the divider she placed down. "Don't worry about it just add it onto mine, it's the least I could do after all your help." he mumbles adding his own things on.

She looks at him in surprise, not expecting him to offer to pay for her stuff, but she doesn't want to turn down such a nice gesture.

"You don't have to do that you know." she protests, feeling a little guilty that he wants to pay for her as well.

Opie can't help the stubborn look that appears in his eye at her protest. He is set on doing this because he truly does want to repay her for all her help, even if she doesn't think he should.

"You've been a real big help, I wanna do this" he mutters in a gruff voice, watching as the cashier starts scanning their items.

She can see how set he is on doing this, and she doesn't want to fight with him. "Alright...I won't argue with you" she concedes as the cashier continues to scan.

He can't help the small sense of relief that washes over him at her compliance. He can be pretty stubborn and he really didn't want to have to fight with her about this, she has done so much to help him already.

As she agrees he shoots her a small smirk, "Damn straight you ain't." he mutters.

The waitress can't help the small chuckle that leaves her at the sight of his small smirk. This rough biker man was kind of cute in a grumpy sort of way.

She watches as the cashier finishes scanning and starts rattling off the total amount, and she glances at Opie, wondering if he is gonna freak out at the price.

Opie glances at the cashier as she reveals the total, and he can't help the small whistle that escapes him at the amount. Damn, how did he not realise shopping cost this much money.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, glancing over at the waitress to see her reaction.She looks at Opie as he pulls out his wallet and notes the look of shock on his face. Damn, he hasn't done grocery shopping by himself before, has he.

She can't help but bite her lip in anticipation as she can see him count his cash, she hopes he has enough.

Opie pulls out his wad of cash and begins counting it. He doesn't usually carry a lot on him, but he did have a large sum from a recent club pay out, so he was pretty sure he'll have enough.

He continues counting and lets out a small breath of relief, he has enough to pay, without completely emptying his wallet.

She feels her chest loosen at the sight of his relieved expression, she is glad that he has enough cash on him, she would have felt bad if he didn't.

She watches as he places all of the cash on the counter for the cashier to count, and she raises a brow when she notices that most are big bills.

Opie can't help the small sense of pride that appears in his chest as he realises he has enough to pay, and he places all the cash on the counter in a sort of show off manner.

He glances back at her as she looks at the wad of cash, and he can guess she is a little surprised. He can't help but let out a small smirk. He reaches over and places the bags into the cart.

She can see he is proud of the fact he has the cash, and she can't help the small giggle that escapes at the sight of him acting like a cocky bastard.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you balance all these bags on your bike" she thinks out loud the imagery making her giggle.

Opie can't help the small eye roll that appears at her comment. The thought of trying to balance all these bags, while having to keep control of his bike...well it's not a pleasant thought.

"Haha, very funny, But I brought my truck this time" he mutters with a scowl, but a small twinkle in his eye that gives away his not so stoic demeanor.

She can't help the cheeky grin that appears at his grumpy expression, the thought of him struggling to balance a whole cart of groceries on his bike was hilarious.

Her expression turns to surprise at his next sentence. "You have a truck?" she asks in shock. From the looks of him, she couldn't imagine him ever driving anything that wasn't a bike. "I thought driving cages was against the biker code or something" she muses walking backward looking at him with a teasing smile.

Opie can't help the small scoff that leaves him at her comment, but he can't deny how cute her cheeky grin looks.

"There's no 'code' against drivin cages, we just like bikes more that's all" he mutters as he pushes the cart after her, shaking his head, but a small smile forming on his face. This girl is really getting under his skin.

They have reached the cart corral now and each grab their own bags. She gently places the cart back in its proper place. Opie watches as she puts the cart back, noting all the effort she has made to help him. She really didn't have to do all this, she could have just given him a few simple suggestions and left him to it.

But she didn't, she made sure he had the right things and even helped him with the checkout. He feels so guilty that she barely even got anything for herself.The waitress notices his silence, a contemplative expression on his face. She wonders if he regrets letting her help him, did she overstep?

She turns and looks at him, a small bag of her own stuff in each hand, "You okay?" she asks, tilting her head at him.

Opie snaps out of his thoughts at the sound of her voice, his eyes glancing up to meet hers. Damn, she looks adorable with that head tilt. He realizes he hasn't answered her question and he clears his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine, just..." he trails off, not really sure how to explain his thoughts.

The waitress can tell that he is struggling to find his words. She steps forward and places a gentle hand on his forearm, an act of reassurance.

"Just what?" she presses, her eyes searching his. She can tell that he is thinking something, but he is having difficulty expressing his thoughts.Opie can't help the shiver that travels up his arm at the feel of her soft hand on his skin, the touch so light, yet so electrifying.

He looks down at her, his eyes meeting hers, and he takes in her warm expression. Damn, she really is too good for him.

"Just, uh...I just...wanna say thanks. For all your help today" he mumbles, the words escaping him before he can even think of what to say.

A small smile that appears on her face at his words. She doesn't miss the slightly flustered look on his face as he mumbles out his gratitude, the way he is struggling to form his thoughts is endearing.

She keeps her hand on his arm, the warmth of his skin feels nice. "It was no problem at all, I'm happy to help" she replies warmly, looking up at him. "Now, where is this cage of yours, I wanna make sure you pack them right. Trust me you don't wanna get all the way home to realise half your groceries got crushed." she says glancing around the lot trying to guess which truck is his.

Opie tries to keep his cool as she keeps her hand on his arm, the small action making his head spin. It feels so nice having her touching him, but it also makes his brain fuzzy and he can't focus.

He follows her gaze as she looks around the lot, a small smirk appearing on his face, knowing exactly where his truck is. "I'm parked over there" he states, gesturing towards the back of the lot.

The waitress looks in the direction of where he is pointing, and she spots a pickup at the far corner of the parking lot. "Ah, I see it" she says nodding in the direction of the truck.

She takes her hand off his arm reluctantly and grips her bags tighter. "Lead the way" she says in a playful tone, gesturing for him to go first.

Opie can't help the small pang of disappointment that he feels as she removes her hand from his arm. The slight warmth of her touch is already missed.

He swallows and grips the bags in his own hands, and he begins walking in the direction of his truck, the waitress falling into step next to him.

As they approach his truck, he lets out a small grumble as he realises it's pretty dirty.

He glances into the cab and sees clothes and empty beer cans scattered around along with an old hoodie hung on the back of the driver's seat. He stands in front of the window to block her view.

She notices the way he stands in front of the window, like he is trying to hide something inside. She can't help but be a little suspicious, what could he be trying to hide?

She raises an eyebrow at his actions, but she doesn't question it. She glances at his truck, taking note of the way it looks on the outside. It's a beaten up old thing, a bit of a clunker by the looks of it.

He clears his throat slinging the bags into the truck bed, Opie tries to act casual as he continues to block the window, pretending to be fixing the bags in the truck bed, trying to hide the messy interior from her view.

He feels a hint of embarrassment at the sight, he knows how bad the inside of the truck looks, and the last thing he wants is for her to think he's some kind of slob.

She continues to watch as he adjusts the bags, a part of her still wondering what he's trying to hide from her view inside the truck. But she knows better than to prying.

She glances around the lot casually, taking in the cars around them, noting the few people loading their own groceries.

"Your truck's a bit of a fixer-upper huh?" she asks, looking at the scratches on the paint.

Opie winces a little at her comment. Yeah, his truck isn't the prettiest thing, but it's still his baby, and he loves it, scratches and all.

He turns around and gives her a slight glare. "She ain't a 'fixer-upper'. She's just got a little character" he says, slightly defensive of his beloved truck.

She can't help the small chuckle that escape her at his defensive response. She can tell he really loves this truck, and she finds his defense of it endearing.

She holds up her hands up in a surrender gesture, a playful smile on her face. "You're right, I didn't mean to insult her" she says, a hint of tease in her voice, patting the truck gently.

Opie couldnt stop the small huff that escapes him at her playful tone. Damn, she really has a knack for getting under his skin.

But as she pats the truck, a part of him warms at her actions. She's treating his baby with respect, and he likes that.

"Damn right you didn't," he mutters, a small smirk appearing on his face.

She tiptoes leaning over to see into the back moving what she can reach into better spots and instructing him how to place what she can't.

Opie watches as she tiptoes to peek into the back of the truck, a small chuckle escaping him at her attempt to reach. He can't help but find her adorable, the way she's determined to get things loaded properly.

He follows her instructions closely, placing the bags in the spots she indicates. "You're real bossy, you know that right" he mutters as he works, a small smirk on his face.

A scoff leaves her at his mutter, but she can't deny the slight butterflies that appear in her stomach at his comment.

"I'm just making sure everything is loaded in the most efficient manner, and you're just following my lead" she retorts with a smirk.Opie can feel a surge of heat rise in his chest at her retort, damn this girl was something else.

"Ha, more like I'm doing all the heavy lifting while you bark orders" he grumbles, trying to sound like he's annoyed, but secretly loving this.

She can see the hint of enjoyment behind his grouchy facade, and she finds it endearing.

"Hey, someone has to make sure the job gets done right, and that's where I come in" she teases, grinning up at him.

She glances around at the bags one more time. "That should do it, as long as you don't drive like a madman all your food should arrive in one piece" she says with a nod.

"I ain't gonna drive like a madman, I know how to handle this old gal" he grumbles, patting the side of the truck.

He looks over at the bags, satisfied with how they've been packed. "Yeah, they should be fine. You really have a talent for packing bags" he mutters gruffly.

"It's a skill I've acquired from years of bagging groceries," she replies jokingly.

She looks at the bags once more, satisfied with the job well done, and she steps back, turning to face him.

Opie watches as she steps back, a small sense of satisfaction filling him at the sight of his packed truck.

"Well, looks like we did damn good work" he mutters, a hint of pride in his voice.

He can't help the flicker of disappointment that appears as he realizes this means their time together is coming to an end.

She picks up her own shopping bag from where she placed it down. She pulls her phone out. "Shit.. sorry I've gotta go my roommate has been waiting out front for me awhile apparently..it was nice seeing you again Opie"

Opie can't help the pang of disappointment that appears in his chest as she checks her phone. He doesn't want her to go, but he knows he can't keep her from her plans.

He shoves his hands into his pockets, a hint of sadness in his voice. "Yeah, I guess I should get goin' too..."

He watches as she picks up her bag, a small ache in his chest. "It was good seeing you too, thanks again for all your help" he mutters, his gruff facade faltering. She can see the hint of disappointment in his eyes, and it makes her feel a bit guilty for leaving.

But she knows she has to go, her roommate is waiting for her afterall.

She smiles warmly at him. "It was my pleasure, really" she replies, her voice soft and sincere. "I'll see you around, okay?"

Opie gives small nod at her words, trying to hide the ache in his chest. He doesn't want her to go, he wants to keep her here with him and keep this nice day going, but he knows that isn't possible.

"Yeah, I'll see you around..." he mutters in a low voice, his eyes meeting hers briefly before he looks away.

He watches as she turns to walk away, the sight of her leaving making his chest feel tight.

She glances back at him over her shoulder, her heart aching. She can't help but feel like she's leaving behind something special, something that she doesn't want to say goodbye to.

She swallows the lump in her throat and raises her hand in a small wave as she turns back to walk away. "Take care, Opie" she calls back over her shoulder.

Opie watches as she walks away, her retreating figure making his heart ache even more. He doesn't want her to go, he wants to call out and ask her to stay, but he can't find the words.

He stands there, watching her go, a mix of sadness and longing in his chest.

"Yeah, you too..." he mutters, his voice thick with emotion.

Opie climbs into the cab of his truck, his mind still lingering on the waitress as he closes the door.

He starts the engine, the sound of it rumbling to life breaks the silence in the cab.

He grips the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white as he tries to push the thoughts of her out of his mind.

Damn, he can't remember the last time a woman had this much of an effect on him.

#sons of anarchy #samcro #soa #sons of anarchy x reader #opie winston oneshot #opie winston imagine #opie #opie winston

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tillthelandslide · 9 months ago

Text

Insufferable Arsehole Part 15: You

A/n: hi everyone! Feels so surreal to say but this is the penultimate chapter of insufferable arsehole *cries*. I love this series so much so please feel free to send in any requests you want to see from these characters. But the main series is nearly over *sobs*. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I love you all so much and thank you for all your support <3. I want to give a massive shout out to @ughgoaway and @justanamesstuff for loving this series as much as I do. Without all of your support (but especially my loving ia stans) this series would've been over a long time ago. I love you guys so much. Hope you enjoy <3

Extra note: I wrote all the little poems in the notebook part of this series. They're all original (whether you think they're shit or you like them) please don't copy them.

Previous Part

Series Masterlist

Matty’s POV

The sofa I'm lying on feels way too comfortable, the warmth of it making it hard for me to get up. It’s soft beneath me and it lures me into closing my eyes. I have things I need to do, I have people I need to call, meetings I need to attend, friends I need to make sure are okay, set lists to read and adjust. A wonderful and loving girlfriend who I need to show my love for. But lying here, listening to the soft strum of the guitar she's playing has my closed eyes fluttering and my body weighing down on the sofa. I don't fall asleep, I just lie with my eyes closed, letting her voice drift over me - consume me.

I had moments like these, moments where I felt... Numb. But she pulls me out of them, or at least fills my body with something other than numbness, she touches the parts that can't usually be persuaded on days like these. These moments were few and far between with the presence of Lou in my life and somehow it makes this time worse. I feel guilty for feeling this way, for feeling low, for slipping into a dark space. I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I had a wonderful girlfriend, I was finally with the girl meant for me. And I had friends, great friends who were more like family. I had adoring fans and I did what I felt like I was meant to for a living. Life was perfect… So why did I feel so unworthy of it all?

It had started earlier this morning when I had snapped at one of the music techs, I hadn't meant to and I felt guilty as soon as I did it. Her warm hand clamped around my shoulder almost immediately, telling me to go lie down and so I did. I heard her apologise for my actions, explaining that I was 'tired'. I felt thankful she didn't tell the guy the real reason. The guys understood it, maybe even more than Lou, so when she spoke to them before she came back to me, they got it. Jamie had once described me as someone with a huge ego but no self worth, in moments like these, I had to agree.

The sound of the guitar stops and I hear her set it down, I hear the shuffle of the foot stall, feel a light bump against the side of the sofa, feel her soft hand drifting up my back, up to my neck and then my head, pushing the curls away and making my eyes flutter open.

My heart beat falters, my breath matching it, her beautiful eyes look down at me, soothing me. It was hard to describe them, they were ever changing. I wouldn't say they were green, but they weren't blue or grey either, it was as if those colours alone weren't enough for someone like Lou, they weren't special or unique so whoever created her (I don't believe in God but some greater being had to create a person like her) decided to make a new colour, a combination of all things beautiful. They had hints of grey and specs of yellow and sometimes the sun made them look piercingly blue but the sun could also make them look like emeralds. They were perfect, one look into them and I can feel myself slipping from the dark spaces of my mind.

"Hi my sweet boy" it surprises me that I don't have to tell her what I need from her in times like these, she just got it. As if she had access to all parts of my brain, able to peek in and see what I needed and having the ability to just give it to me without a shred of hesitation or an ulterior motive. It shouldn’t surprise me, not anymore, not when I knew she was it for me, the only one I ever want to be with, to spend the rest of my life with. The person who was mine and I theirs.

"Hi" I don't recognise the voice that comes from me, a low, deep grumble of a sad man. One that felt like a distant memory, the voice of someone I used to know, not the person I am now.

"I want to show you something" she says and I find myself nodding, she places her black leather notebook in my lap and I find my heart beating three times as hard as I look at it. She had never shown me this before, showing someone this is like showing them your deepest thoughts and emotions, baring your soul to them. I had watched her scribble in it countless times, I had watched as she wrote lyrics that pulled her lips up at the corners, I had watched as she scribbled down angrily, tears falling from her eyes and coating the pages.

I remember the only time I had come close to reading the lyrics, pinning her down to a hotel bed in some forgotten location, tickling her sides until the book slipped from her fingertips, holding the pages above her head just out of reach as our laughter was all that could be heard. I remember the way she begged me to give it back, of course I would never have read it without her permission. I remember her pleas made me drop the book and bury my face into her neck. She made me forget about the lyrics easily, too wrapped up in her to care about them.

"Are you sure?" I ask, sitting up slightly so my back is against the armrest of the sofa, pulling the book towards me and playing with the frayed edges. She smiles at me, her hand resting against my jaw, her thumb running over her bone, making my eyes flutter momentarily.

"Sometimes I think you forget how much you mean to people, you forget how much people love you... And not just me, the band and the crew, your family, my family, the fans... Of course I can only speak for myself... So I want you to read this" she speaks, voice soft and delicate. Beautiful.

I want to speak. To tell her I love her. To thank her. I want to smile. To press my lips against hers. But my eyes won't leave the book.

"most of them aren't finished... They're not songs... They're just things I wrote, little poems" she says and I nod, looking up from the book.

"I love you Matty" she says, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to my forehead before leaving me. It takes a while for me to open the book, scared of what I'll find. My shaky hands eventually separate the cover from the first page.

I find a few I recognise, like the one she posted on Instagram, the one I loved:

"I'd stay with you here forever, you with those dark eyes and darker hair, the epitome of beauty, you put Adonis to shame, with the way you paint my brain, with everything that is you, you with those dark eyes and darker hair. The epitome of beauty."

Her handwriting is delicate, cursive and, for a lack of a better word, beautiful. I'm not surprised because everything she does is beauty. She is beauty.

I flick through the pages, little photos taped to the corners or wedged in, the photos make my heart swell. Photos of her and G, one in particular making me smile: a photo of Lou sitting on George's shoulders, looking as if she was scared to fall down, but she's laughing and so is George and his hands are clamped on her thighs that rest around his head ensuring she doesn't fall. A picture of her and Ross, pulling funny faces at each other, they both look younger, Ross’ hair is short and Lou’s is too, I wish I had her like that back then, even now, even still - I regret the time we lost. I find a picture she took of me, her thighs resting either side of my waist as she takes a photo from above, I feel like a different person than the one smiling up at me. I see another one taken in a photo booth, one where we're kissing, it makes me smile.

I read on, my heart slowly being refilled with love and beauty and kindness and feeling.

I could bask in you for endless days and endless nights. For you are the sun that shines and glistens. For you are the one that warms my once cold heart and bones.

You're the sun in winter, warming up bones and creating smiles. You're rain on a summer's day, soaking the sweat away. You're all things good and kind and lovely. You're love and sex and beauty. You're the definition of passion. Cigarettes and coffee and fresh and home. You're my favourite scent. My favourite sound. My favourite sight. My favourite thought. My favourite feeling. You touch me and I feel you everywhere. Burying into my being. You're mine. My favourite scent. Cigarettes, coffee, fresh, home. My home.

I loved the complexity of some but simply adored the simplicity of others. Reading the ones which don't hide behind metaphors, they're purer somehow.

Pain engraved my brain. Hurt twisted through my mind. Envy soaked through my eyes. You appeared , all those emotions vanished. I began to love the way you loved me. I found myself loving you more. I used to hate you, I hated hating you. I love you now, I love loving you and I love you loving me.

I smile, a huge smile and I feel it seep through my bones, warming my cold body, feeling finally flooding back in.

Red lips and brown eyes. Black curls and tattooed skin. I'd like to paint in you in my mind so I could have you here forever

The few words are the only ones on this particular page, the rest is filled with pictures of us, a picture of the M necklace I gave her, a picture of my marked neck, her marks. There's a picture of us kissing, ones in which any other circumstance would cause my skin to heat up and my blood to rush south. There’s sweet pictures too, of us in Rome, our hands intertwined, pictures of our tattoos we got together.

The ropes within unwind under your command. Just say the word and I'll follow you to the ends of the earth.

Matty is sun kissed cheeks on summer days, cherry blossom on withered ground, swirling clouds amongst technicolour skies.

I turn the page and a larger piece of paper falls out, I unfold it carefully, taking my time in reading the words I find on the page:

Dear George,

I’m writing to you from Rome. Seems a bit weird to be writing you a letter knowing I’m going to be seeing you soon. Was feeling nostalgic I guess… Remember the days when we were both on tour and we’d write these big long letters to each other from wherever in the world we were. It was such a pain trying to make sure they were sent to you before you left that city or town. I remember us arguing one day because Jamie had complained about the amount of money he kept having to spend to retrieve the letters when had arrived a little too late. Grumpy sod.

Anyway, you’d usually write about how the tour was going, how Matty had been getting on your nerves. I always wondered whether you just said that to make me feel better for not getting on with your best friend. You’d send me pictures of you with Ross and Hann and I’d send you pictures of me and the girls (usually receiving a text from you or Macdonald after that made me want to hit you around the head - pervs)

Strange how different things seem now. Like now for instance - I'm writing this, by the pool (this place is fucking huge, you and Charli would love it here), Matty’s napping next to me. He’s sleeping with this dopey grin and… I love him George. So much. Please don’t try to cringe too much reading this. His skin isn’t as pale anymore. Shock right? Our pale boy has a tan!

I want to thank you G. Thank you for everything. You’ve been the best friend I could have ever asked for… but thank you for bringing me him. Matty is everything George. The way he loves me is nothing I have ever felt before. I know now that everything up until now is worth it because now I have him.

I can’t help but wonder how I ever could have hated him. He cares so deeply for every one G… sometimes I wonder if it's too much, if he’s going to get hurt in the end. But that’s okay. Because he has me. And he has you and the boys. And together we love him deeply (still probably half as much as he loves us). I’m going to spend every day of my life proving to him that he is worthy.

So thank you George. He’s the love of my life. He owns my heart, now and forever.

Your best friend - Lou x

My heart picks up in my chest, I love her, more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. I feel tears fall from my eyes, coating my cheeks. I swipe them away before they have a chance to hit the pages.

But you... It was different with you

That's my favourite, my fingers find the page and I carefully tear the page out, I fold it gently and tuck it into my pocket.

I stand from the sofa, feeling weightless now, feeling love for her in every fibre of my being. I walk around the venue, trying to find her. I find George who smiles at me widely.

"glad to see you perked up a bit" he says with a hand to my shoulder.

"Where's Lou?" My abruptness takes him back but it doesn't stop him from answering. I appreciate that.

"She's with your mum in the kitchen, they're baking" George clearly sees my shocked face and he chuckles "yeah your mum is here" I hug him tightly before I leave him, heading for the kitchen.

My legs move too quickly for my brain to register but I don't care, I need to find her. My mum spots me before Lou does and she smiles widely.

"Hello Matthew, feeling any better?" She asks, Lou looks up at me as she finishes speaking.

"Explained to your mum that you were feeling a little tired" Lou explains and I nod, smiling at her.

"Much better mum, thank you" I say leaning down to place a peck against her cheek.

Lou's hands are covered in flour and it makes me smile. I squeeze past my mother with a gentle "excuse me" . My hands find Lou's waist and I hitch her up, making her smile.

"Matty put the poor woman down" my mother scolds me but I don't stop. Lou's hands find my shoulders as she feels like she's going to fall.

"I've got flour on your shirt now idiot" she says but she's still smiling. She looks down at me and I see everything in her eyes, every emotion, every indication that she loves me. I love her, god do I love you.

"I don't care, come here" I say, one hand finding her chin and lightly pulling her towards me.

"Matty, your mum" she says, eyes flicking over my shoulder to my mum who giggles to herself, busying herself with the baking..

"I. Don't. Care" I say with the widest smile I think has ever graced my features.

"What has gotten into you?" She asks, smiling widely. Her eyes sparkle. God she's beautiful.

"I love you Lou, so much, you're everything. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, if that's okay with you" I say, I hear my mum coo behind us and Lou smiles above me, her legs wrapping around my waist to support herself more.

"Fine with me Healy" she says, leaning down to press her lips against mine finally. The kiss is kept short to save my mother seeing us in a compromising position.

"But you, it was different with you" I repeat her own words back to her and she nods.

"Yeah..." She says and I see her eyes well with tears, I feel myself copying her, placing her back on the floor but moving my head down to kiss her again. I hold her to my side as I turn to my mother.

"I'll leave you both to bake," I say, pressing a firm kiss to her cheek, smiling at my mother. .

"Okay" she says with a smile. I hug my mum tightly before I walk out, but I don't miss my mother's words

"That boy is obsessed with you, I've never ever known him to love someone as much as you" she says.

"Trust me, the same goes for him. I'd do anything for him" Lou's words make me smile and so I continue walking.

I find George again, happy to find him with Hann and Ross.

"Good you're all here" I say, drawing their attention towards me.

"Everything okay mate?" Ross asks and I smile as I nod.

"I need your help"

"Anything," George says.

"I'm going to ask Lou to marry me" they all smile widely at me, I like that. My eyes flick to George’s. He seems expressionless for a second.

“If that’s okay with you” I ask, I see George’s lip quiver slightly and his fingers grip his bottom lip as he nods. I see tears coat his eyes as he steps forward, grabbing my hand in his and pulling me forward into a hug.

“Fuck yeah” I find myself crying too. I feel two more sets of arms wrapping around us. I smile.

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