#lingeringscars: jake.

[terrifyingstories]

@lingeringscars: i could have lost you today! do you know what that would have done to me?

jake is the kind of person, so earnest and gentle and difficult to ruffle, that you simply know you’re at fault for angering. it carries a specific kind of shame, or would, if eddie couldn’t recognize, even through the haze, that he was so immensely scared.

it took awhile for eddie to be able to see that, so accustomed from the deep-seated shame of falling short in his training and earning the ire of his instructors, facing rebuke from the moroi. it was easy for the guilt to swallow him up at the first sign of upsetting jake, but he sees him more clearly now. as a whole, he spends less time feeling like a burden, someone jake shouldn’t-but-can’t-seem-to-not-love, fault of his own goodness, and of course eddie’s tendency to cling to it, enraptured by the generosity with which jake just loves him without asking for anything in return. he’s worked against years of conditioning forcing him in the endless cycle of framing everything this way, viewing the world - and jake - through this exact lens. he’s still working at it.

jake is scared, and he should be scared, because eddie’s life is dangerous, and it was never meant to last long enough for him to have one of his own. but that isn’t eddie’s fault. that doesn’t make it eddie’s fault.

was he really capable of that, believing something wasn’t his fault?

it was a work in progress. but he doesn’t collapse in shame at the pain in jake’s voice, even at the pang of guilt that answers his second question - no, he doesn’t really know what that would have done to him. at least, he didn’t until now. his entire life has been defined by watching dhampir bodies fall and moroi step over them, whispering words of sympathy before congratulating yet another graduating class of novices, showering them in their praises before sending them off to war. it isn’t something that fits in his understanding of the world.

but he’s doing better; it becomes real at the reminder, something palpable eddie can hold in his hands. each time that happens, it becomes a little easier for him to recall, to hold closer to his chest. he is getting better, at holding these things in his chest. at letting them fill up some of the space so often occupied by self-directed anger and shame.

jake fills him up of love. it doesn’t make the other things go away, but it leaves them less room. they try to take hold, and jake’s love crowds them out.

still, he can’t quite find the strength to speak, though his hand tries to reach out for jake, tries to comfort him, reassure him that he’s here, alive. he is, here, alive - isn’t even really banged up that much at all. jake’s seen worse on him, yet he feels much shakier on his feet than the times before, like he needs the support of the kitchen table beneath his hand to hold him up while simultaneously fighting off the compulsive urge to walk, run, move, anything to offset the slamming of his heart against his rib cage, the excruciating way his skin is crawling and burning like his nerves are grinding together and setting off sparks. he can’t quite get a full breath, and he’s begun to sweat like he’s been running for miles - and it feels like he has, like he still is, except it’s happening on the inside instead of out. his jacket collar comes up high enough that jake wouldn’t have seen the punctures in his neck, and eddie himself had forgotten them in all the adrenaline. but the twisted, horrible yearning for endorphins coursing through his veins wasn’t welcome to being forgotten.

the room blurs in and out of focus, and he has to keep blinking to get rid of the fuzziness clinging to jake’s edges like an outline. he’s trying, trying, “i know. i’m - i’m here. i’m okay. you didn’t. you didn’t.”

oh, but he could have. there had been so little of eddie left in spokane everyone was almost kind of surprised when the scattered pieces came back together again after three horrible days of excruciating withdrawal. he really, really could have.

and it really wasn’t until jake that that really, really scared him too.

[terrifyingstories3]

@lingeringscars, continued.

distance was his curse. moving across the country, out of state, away from the people he loves as his heart breaks. all in the best interests of jenny, so he  could never regret the decisions, but it didn’t make it easier when peyton sent him an email, nor is it easy now when he sees eddie around campus. getting caught in a custody battle as a teenage, peyton getting shot…it seemed like chaos followed the people of tree hill, but learning there were different types of vampires and assassins after jill meant more trouble than he was asking for.

he would have taken it all without question if not for jenny. he would have risked it on forever if he didn’t have a daughter to look after. 

he’s learning that maybe he can still have that. eddie thought the worst, and like syndey said, it makes sense knowing his history. eddie watched people he cared about, people he loved, get tortured and die. it brings tears to jake’s eyes to think about the horror it must have been, and the thought that anything could happen to eddie is enough to take the air out of his lungs, too. 

sydney thought the chances were minimal that knowing this put him or jenny at risk of any additional danger, though. so he could take a chance. he could go against what everyone says is right and kiss the half-vamp and things would finally work out…right? hope. hope was everything, and he knew that if it came down to it, he could run for jenny’s sake. why not try for something beautiful instead? someday. today. 

the tune came to him last night, and for once in his life, his hands were sweating as he pulled out the guitar. time for his cheesy 80′s moment as he started strumming it for the school, with one audience member in particular the dedication. 

he’s thirteen when he starts to notice how it makes him feel - how all of the boys in his year talk about girls, about each other, the crass language they toss back and forth so casually. none of it is directed toward him, but he turns inward all the same, feeling small and self conscious, like he has a secret even his closest friend in the world doesn’t know. mason helps - it’s easy with him. he’s warm and friendly, easy to joke with, and he rarely boasts a temper. eddie knows what part to play with him. it hardly takes any effort at all. but mason still laughs at the jokes and jumps in from time to time, and nothing makes eddie feel more alone than that.

he’s fifteen and he knows he’s done the worst thing. he’s in love with his best friend. he’s always been in love with his best friend, but it’s harder now. mason teases him about girls, and it’s clear as day he feels about rose the way eddie feels about him. eddie is having a harder time masking how he feels, and it hurts more and more each time. rose helps; they have a good natured rhythm between them, and when he jokes with her it feels like less of a strain. but then rose is gone, a crucial part of the only family he’s ever had missing, and all the locker room talk grows worse and worse, and sometimes it seems impossible mason doesn’t notice him bleeding. a thousand little paper cuts, bleeding him dry. 

he comes to palm springs, and he does the worst of all. it was selfish, falling for jake the way he did. he’s on a mission, he had no business, and that it ends how it does feels like the culmination of a lifetime of wrongdoing, confirmation of a lifetime of shame. he’s put everything in jeopardy, and caused more pain than he can bear. no one would believe him, how easily it happened, how little cognition he had of it at all. it had been pure, his longing for jake.

he hadn’t wanted anything except to be around him, and every moment had felt like healing. how could it have turned to something that inspired such an ache?

jill has to pull him down the stairs. he allows her to mostly because jill has so very few sources of joy in her life now, and he can’t deny her one that doesn’t compromise her safety, nor resist her pure desire to share it with family. if jill wants to listen to some music in the quad of amberwood, he’ll tag along even if he isn't exactly needed as her bodyguard, as much as he’d prefer to sit in his own misery. but what they find at the end of the steps is not some random student, is a display that is so clearly not meant for jill. before he can fully process that it’s jake, tears fill his eyes. his throat grows so thick it’s a wonder he can breathe, and everything except jake turns into a quiet blur, even jill’s excited tugging on his arm. 

then the music starts to fade, quieter and quieter as if lulling the world into a peaceful slumber. except eddie has never been so awake, and before he can consider any particular course of action, he's taking jake's face into his hands and kissing him.

[mambosfive]

@lingeringscars ♡’d for a starter (still accepting) !

"you're saying she left again? 'cause i haven't heard from nikki in –– like months. i thought she was off playing happy families."

[story1ines]

♡ we would be so powerful

YES WE WOULD.

example:

[acipaer-at-scribare]

@lingeringscars : a kiss while slow dancing .

usually , they would stay home . getting a baby sitter for jenny was rare and far between , because neither really had too much of a need to go out much and staying home was always nice . sometimes it's kinda fun however . get a little dressed up and go out to eat and eventually land in some bar where music is playing and glass of wine and just talking . just being the two of them and not a child interrupting every now and again . never regret it of course . moving in with jake and jenny . never regretting that she gave up her own place a few years back & started a life with the two of them , spent so much time together anyways : it just made sense to just move in together . but they rarely got this . dating came after moving in together , being a couple , so they didn't get to enjoy these moments as much as normal couples might have in the begining : if they had taken it in the normal route of things .

soft music from dusty speakers & after accident , she rarely danced anymore . too painful , both physically and mentally . reminder of what she can't do anymore . there was moments with jenny , holding her at her hip while twirling around the livingroom floor to some child song . first time , way back when he had offered her a hand , she had been unsure . on the brink of tears , but she had enjoyed it . more than she ever thought was possible agian . swaying back and forth with jake now however , can't help the smile forming upon features . one hand in his and other started on his shoulder , now resting at the back of his neck , thumb lightly brushing over the space just behind his ear . gaze locked with his & completely in their own world . soft hum , smile into the kiss as he leans down , slowly swaying back and forth to the music .

[defygrav1ty]

starter for @lingeringscars (jake jagielski).

coming from the echoll's melodramatic house of horrors itself, there was very little odd and secretive behavior that escaped logan's tragically conditioned eye, specially in a sweaty guys' locker room. there was no tasty bacon to be camouflaged under the stink of fresh sweat in a guys locker room. maybe if his teammate here was a little more subtle about it, logan could've easily shrugged it off just like he shrugged off everything else in his life, but whatever his deal was was so obvious it was starting to get irritating to ignore. MIGHT THAT MEAN HE STILL HAD SOMEWHAT OF A CONSCIENCE? he might've just found his inspirational message of the day.

just when there was no one else in sight to clumsily join logan in not minding their own damn business, he made his move, ❝ hey, dude, i know last month's issue of cosmo girl said enigmatic is the new sexy for chicks, but you've been acting weird since, like, i don't know, beginning of sophomore year. i'm starting to think it's less about appearances and more about real, actual mystery, so would you mind putting an end to my nail-biting misery and share a little tidbit of whatever's going on? if you haven't figured it out by the deep purple belt bruises right underneath my underwear elastic, i can keep a secret. ❞

[terrifyingstories2]

he's not sure how jake manages it, but the very moment he sees him turning the corner, everything in him feels lighter. his chest and throat have felt tight since the beginning of the trial, but the breath that leaves him as his arms wrap around jake is deep and full, pulled from the very bottom of his lungs and let out slow and wonderful. it's such a relief to breathe again that he swallows a few more of those breaths before he relinquishes jake to a house full of people eager to catch up, the comforting, familiar smell of him loosening tension he'd lost track of over the last few days, forgotten wasn't just an inherent part of how his bones lined up, tendons connected.

there are bruises splattered across the knuckles on his right hand that indicate just how tightly he's been coiled throughout all of this, but not even the sharp sting is enough to take away from the pure joy and relief he feels just from being near him.

jake numbs that, too.

he's forgotten about his hand entirely when jake's gently takes it, drawing it closer for inspection and looking to him in question. there's a part of eddie still too numb to really connect to what that means, but this time from years spent immersed in violence rather than love for jake. a part that knows the marks are out of place and confusing to jake when he's been off duty - that can recognize the concern and knows it's justified, how out of character this might seem - but can't really feel it, just feels empty and sluggish.

but only a few moments pass before jake breaks through that, too, and eddie's fingers delicately curl back around his, ignoring the prick caused by the movement. @lingeringscars.

[doomdays]

@lingeringscars  ▬   ❝ i’ve been working my whole life for the opportunity to do something that actually matters. ❞

[buildhope]

🏹   @lingeringscars​,   ❝ sometimes i wonder if i’m doin’ enough  ---  if i’m enough for him,  y’know? ❞   after all that adam has already lost in his life time,  alden can’t help but wonder.  it was never supposed to be just him,  but now it is,  and that’s a responsibility he never hesitated to take over  --- though it does make him question,  always comparing himself to both earl and tammy.  they were the best parents to him even when he met them as an adult,  so he’s always trying to be the best parent he can be for adam from the beginning. 

❝  but  .  .  .   then he smiles,  and the world feels a little brighter,  and that tells me that maybe,  i’m not as bad as i think i am.  they don’t tell ya that parentin’ is just spendin’ all your time second guessing yourself.  ❞ 

[sunreliable-archive]

         *   ☼   yes. i heard. it was the only thing i heard.                       re : 𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘

❛     gossip spreads pretty fast around here.  kinda like high school  ,  but … bigger.   less hallways.    ❜     factually true  ,  and maybe only different to him as someone who spent most of his life living in a much bigger city.   one where he didn’t hear much of anything unless it was important and over a radio.   not like here  ,  where everyone seems to know everything  ,  but not quite enough.   never enough that jake has the luxury of feeling caught up.

suspicion lingers behind eyes  ,  but his smile is steady  ,  if small.   if for nothing else  ,  quentin had asked him to try not to be miserable here.   if one of them was going to the other would too  ,  a sort of pact he feels guilty not holding up  ,  even outside the kid’s view.    ❛     i guess you’d know  ,  teaching and all that.      ❜

         *   ☼   featuring : @lingeringscars as 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐏𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 .

[terrifyingstories]

@lingeringscars: i hope you're okay.

she isn't, not in any current context. she's still shaking just a little, breathing in the scent of jenny's hair for comfort as she slumbers in her arms, peaceful and oblivious to the dumpster fire that had become what was meant to be a family celebration. nicki looks for some recognition of what the day had turned into in her content sleeping face, but finds only a soft smile as she dreams.

this was important. a major gesture on jake's part after everything -agreeing to a day with her parents, what was supposed to be an effort on all of their parts to leave the past behind for jenny. her parents wanted to be in jenny's life, and they'd made strides toward respecting their current situation and the terms she and jake had come to. it'd been a huge show of trust that he'd agreed, and nicki is almost afraid to meet his eyes, afraid she'll see fury for having failed he and jenny once again, if only through the major lapse of judgment that was trusting her parents.

mostly, she just feels an intense shame she isn't sure goes away.

well, it hasn't yet, anyway.

(she can't really remember it ever not being there.)

you want to talk about sin? nine months ago, your daughter tried to kill herself with pills. and she's bisexual. coming out to her parents and disclosing a past suicide attempt was not on her list of plans today, or, well, ever, and she expects the shame she'd seen in her parents' eyes swallow her whole, but it doesn't.

for once, it's her parents she feels ashamed of, not herself. shame at how they treated jake and eddie, at their judgment and hate, the sin they would have to bear to accuse jake and eddie of the sin they had, for doing nothing other than being together and loving jenny. "i will be. thank you." she kisses jenny's head as she blinks away the tears, finally meeting jake's eyes in a show of bravery and vulnerability. "i'm so sorry for today. that won't happen again. that.. that is not going to be in jenny's life. i won't let it." and contrary to what her parents had tried to claim, it isn't up to them to make that choice. that choice is she and jake's. "are you okay? is eddie?"

[terrifyingstories3]

@lingeringscars: don't die on me.

blurry would be an understatement of a description for the night before, but it's the closest descriptor eddie can find. just fragments come back to him, and they're so cloudy and distorted he's not confident in his ability to judge what is reality or not. it would be easy to lose himself in the terror of that - if he can remember one feeling clearly about last night, it would be the terror, his heart beating against his rib cage so fiercely he was certain one of them would give out. but the, albeit hazy image of jake from the night before was not a hallucination. he knows that, if only because jake is still with him.

jake was real. as he takes in his heavily shadowed eyes and worry lines, that's more and more apparent. the exhaustion and lingering fear in his expression is sharp, clear. from there, he can start to sift through foggy memories of the night before. jake with him. jake calm and soothing, murmuring gentle things to him to comfort him. jake's voice and hands grounding him. jake saving him.

jake terrified. jake crying. jake scared he was going to lose him, jake scared he was going to die.

he aches for the image of him in his head, hates to have put him through that. he's been aching for jake for so long he should be numb to it by now, but heartbreak doesn't work like that.

he isn't able to stop himself from gently reaching out to brush under his eyes, and neither are the ways his sore and painful and still shaky limbs protest. "i'm okay," he says gently to reassure him. he isn't. he isn't remotely close. but he's better, and that's really what he means. for once, he isn't trying to pretend to be fine. "i'm okay now." weak and sore and exhausted, but not high anymore. "are you okay?"

[kanimal]

“I CANNOT MISS ANYMORE CLASSES.”

she feels bad,  because she can tell this is all taking a toll on him,  in a way that isn’t about being burdened but rather because he just cares so much.  if he didn’t,  it wouldn’t be bothering him.  she can tell he’s trying,  and he deserves the credit for it  ----   because she knows what it feels like to try and try and try,  even when so many things are pulling you a thousand different ways. 

❝  maybe there’s something i can do.  ❞   she always means well,  always wants to help,  but she never really knows where to go from there.  she doesn’t have any solid suggestions;  all she knows is that he deserves support,  and she’d like to be the one to give it to him  ---  if he’ll take it.  ❝  i don’t really  .  .  .   i don’t know what i could do,  but i want to help.   you’re doing your best.  i can see that,  but  ----   i also know it’s not always that easy.   ❞

         @lingeringscars​

[wanlidas-archive]

“so, do you wanna talk about it?”    ╱    @lingeringscars​.

❝  there it is,  everyone’s favorite question  ------  ❞  there’s a small smirk on her features that only lasts briefly,  washed away the longer she thinks about it and the more she thinks about all the things she could talk about.  she rarely ever lets herself talk about her,  always much too afraid of burdening anyone else with her problems.  especially those she feels burned by;  it’s so much easier to allow them to walk over her than it is to stand up for herself.  that’s why she’s here,  instead of at home or at her best friend’s.  it’s easier to be here,  but she doesn’t know how to say that.  

with a deep breath,  her eyes meet his,  shoulders shrugging.  ❝  it’s more like,  i don’t know WHAT to say about it all.   you know?   i mean,  everything just feels like chaos right now.  and that’s not really a new thing in the baker house,  it’s just the first time people are actually choosing to notice it.  ❞   and she’s used to this too,   everyone trying to pretend everything’s fine,  like they’re not all hurting,  like their lives haven’t been turned on their head.  she knows what it felt like for everyone around her to pretend nothing bad happened when she was the one who was hurt;  she doesn’t wish that on anyone else who feels that kind of pain right now,  even if it’s people like her mother who are trying the hardest to pretend.  

her nose crinkles and her shoulders cave in,  shy grin forming across her lips as she shakes her head.  ❝  okay,  so maybe i do know what to say.    but  .  .  .   maybe i’m also just glad to see another face,  ❞   she admits,  eyes meeting his again as she nods.  ❝  so thanks for that.  ❞

[acipaer-a]

∆ BRUSH ∆  -  sender accidentally brushes their hand against the receiver’s as they both reach for the same item .     ╱     @lingeringscars​

things have changed drastically since the evening she spent getting drunk and pouring her heart out to this stranger behind the bar .   and while she would love nothing but to change their first meeting   (   it was far from one of her proudest moments .   )   she still wouldn’t have wanted to be without jake or jenny .   didn’t have much contact with her own family anymore   &   over time ,   the two of them became that .   something she had looked for for so long ,   without even knowing .   and she was hanging out so much here anyways ,   hanging out with jake or baby sitting jenny when he was busy ,   it hadn’t been much of a leap when they had agreed it was easier to simply move in .   packing up her own apartment didn’t take much work at all honestly .   clothes and furniture and little things that she had collected over years ,   it was mostly packed in a day when they were two .   packed into the back of a rental truck   &   droven ten minutes to where he lived .   she is reaching for one of the boxes ,   and she can feel the warmth of his hand brush against her own ,   and while they are friends     .  .  .     they are just friends .   even if they now will be living together .   even if her heart skips a beat every time he smiles at her     .  .  .     or his hand touch against her own .   but she won’t ruin this with feelings that won’t go anywhere .

❝   i’ve got it .   ❞      takes the box ,   even if he doesn’t quite back off and it ends up with both of them kinda holding it .   shoulder to shoulder   &   looking up at him ,   brow raise ever so little and there is an amused smile upon features .     ❝   you know ,   if we’re going to be two about every box in here ,   we won’t be done until jenny comes back .   ❞

[freaksurrounded]

        “ terrible flirt as in i’m horrible at the art of flirting, or terrible flirt as in i flirt too much? ”  kaitlyn raises her hands to reflect two sides of a scale, tipping them back and forth.  “ because one of those is definitely false. ”

"you're a terrible flirt you know." jake        ↳     @lingeringscars​​       /       memes