#lilri

[hibiscesque]

Gave my word to OOMF that I would get over my fear of y'all sophistiqué fellas on Tumblr and actually post an analysis here, so here goes nothing.

Mori and Dazai: a noncomprehensive opinion-based analysis of the most talked about parts of their relationship by me, Lily, that has been fleshed out and crossposted from Twt.

[Feat. attached screenshots of some of the interesting contributions others made when I posted this there over the summer at the end, and the links to their Twts so you can check their accounts out if you're on the hellbird app too!]

I figure the best place to start is the place where discussion about Mori and Dazai's relationship often starts and ends: abuse.

It is an unequivocal fact that Mori was in a position of power over Dazai, as his elder, superior in rank, and the doctor who saved him. I wholly agree with this piece of the fandom collective consciousness. I do have a bit of a different interpretation, however, regarding how he used this power.

I do not think Mori lorded it over Dazai to take advantage of him sexually or hurt him physically, and from my reading of it, canon seems to support that. In fact, it was in Mori’s best interest in his relationship with Dazai to do what all the best manipulative abusers do: pretend that this power does not exist at all.

He presented himself to Dazai as Dazai’s equal, a partner in a dastardly scheme to take down the Port Mafia boss. He knew Dazai would say yes—as a disillusioned boy who seemed to have no attachment to his old life, what other answer would he give?—but took deep care to give him the illusion of choice.

Maintaining the illusion that they were equals was very important, as Dazai was older and of an entirely different breed than Yosano. His old strategy wouldn’t fly here. I think this actually displays the versatility of Mori’s manipulative skills, how he was so easily able to adjust between them. Even the narrative of Fifteen, whether this was deliberate or accidental, seems to intimate to the reader that there was not the power imbalance between them that you would expect. It specifically corrects you from seeing Dazai as Mori’s son or charge, seeming to want you—or want you to see Dazai—come to the conclusion that they are, though I use this word very differently than we do when it comes to SKK, partners in crime. But that is absolutely not true. He was a fourteen-year-old playing adult games.

Mori probably figured out pretty fast that Dazai was used to being the best manipulator in the room, and that he was usually incredibly adept at hiding this from the adults around him. It was to his advantage to utilize this fact and let Dazai think that he was the one in control between them, ergo the easy agreement to giving him a painless death later on when he had absolutely no intention of ever granting him that.

That's not to entirely de-dimensionalize their relationship. I do think in some ways, a lot of ways even, Dazai had Mori wrapped around his finger. For starters, we see several examples of him being petulant or defiant to Mori that evidently amuse Mori rather than anger him. Furthermore, I think I can go so far as to say that in the early days, Mori admired Dazai, in a way. Dazai effortlessly lived an existence lacking traditionally defined humanity and empathy, something that hadn't come quite so innately to Mori. He himself hadn't had to cultivate that cold, heartless calculation until the Great War, at which point he got himself so far into this "character", for a lack of a better word, that he played to protect his country, that he'd begun to grossly overcompensate. Become the exact monster he believed he needed to be, though I don't think he'd put it in those exact terms.

But to Dazai, all of this seems to come easy as breathing in the light novels. It must have been fascinating, in a way, to meet what he spent so long striving to become in the form of a fluffy-haired, teenage attitude-filled, lower secondary schooler.

Even the fond admirenvy, however, would eventually become a tool. There's a clear logical advantage to Mori to letting himself feel regarding Dazai to the degree he did where he allowed himself be jerked around a little bit. It would make Dazai more secure in the thought that he was the one in control between them, exactly the belief paradigm Mori needed him to keep existing within to be able to maneuver him to the utmost degree of exactitude when it mattered.

Something else I do disagree with the fandom about, which you've probably been able to ascertain by now, is that Mori, so to speak, birthed the darkness in Dazai. Made him that way. Forced him to be that way. Anything like that.

This darkness, in my opinion, already existed when they met.

I think Mori sensing that, as aforementioned, is part of the reason he chose to ensnare Dazai in his web in the first place. There's a whole other discussion that could be had about the sheer coincidence of acquiring the one child in the world with an ability that could turn off the Deus ex machina we know as Corruption that existed within the second child he would acquire not a year later—and yet another about why the mafia higher ups saw Dazai as a credible witness to the old boss' death—but while no, Dazai would probably have not gone on to become a mass murderer and expert torturer were he not brought into this life by Mori, he was very likely not an angel otherwise.

To me, the adroitness with which he manipulated Chuuya into joining the mafia makes this clear. That is not something he’d picked up within the last year he’d known Mori. Seamlessly using manipulation of that caliber is a skill that usually comes from being exposed to other manipulators from a very young age and/or a natural predisposition toward it. Usually "and". It's still a skill that can be cultivated, whether on purpose or not, but it's not something that's easy to just pick up and learn intuitively unless you're pre-tuned to it for one of those reasons. I also bring up that infamous scene in Fifteen where Dazai empties a magazine of bullets into a dead body. I see many things in that instance, but primarily a hurting and psychologically disturbed child.

While watching the death of the old boss could easily have been a traumatic experience for him, I think we can extrapolate from Dazai’s other aforementioned behavior that one, he’d been exposed to the darker side of society far longer ago than when he’d met Mori, and two, he was at that point, whether by natural means or not, rather stunted in the empathy department. I’m not saying that Dazai is incapable of feeling it—simply that he does not feel it to the degree the average person does. I know a lot of Dazai fans will disagree with me on that, but I do believe this very strongly.

This all comes back to the circle of bonding him to Mori; Mori always presented himself as his equal in that way, after all. While I’m sure Dazai had met more than one unempathetic adult before him, this could easily have been the first time he'd met one who was like him in the sense that their intelligence allowed them the manipulative skills to use this "lack of compassion” to their advantage.

I think Dazai was quickly and, to steal his own word, indelibly fascinated by Mori. We can see that he’s adopted many of Mori’s mannerisms—the most obvious example being using a dramatic shtick to lower people’s guards and make himself appear more harmless. For Dazai that's his ridiculous suicide attempts that will never work and appeals to women for double suicide, and for Mori that's playing the doting, haggard father to Elise. I think they both enjoyed these roles more than they let on, especially Mori, but they do serve a purpose. Correct me if I’m wrong on this, but to this point I even believe I remember a Japanese-speaking fan saying that Dazai copied some of Mori’s speech mannerisms in the untranslated text of Fifteen that were hard to emulate in English.

I think Mori, in his own way, for the reasons I shared earlier on, is equally as fascinated by Dazai as Dazai is by him. Mori is such an enigma, however, that I’m left with a question when analyzing a certain part of canon that I think the answer to depends on how charitably you want to interpret Mori: why didn’t he just kill Dazai instead of ousting him from the mafia?

I think there are two possible answers to this. One, he knew Dazai would be useful to him in the future. After all, he wouldn't be able to use his Deus ex machina more than once without him. And of course, there's Natsume's Greater Plan, the lengths to which Natsume has gone to set dominos in place for I think we're only just starting to grasp.

But then there's also two, that he, against what anyone might expect, cared about Dazai enough that he didn’t want him dead. Perhaps it was even both. I will leave you with that to ponder. Thanks for reading! 💝

& Now... Bonus!

Thoughts from Alli omgdqzai on Twitter:

[CW: CSA, though not in the form of sexual contact between Dazai and Mori]

Thoughts from Pysta pysta_myn on Twitter:

[ni-kisno1fan14007]

it’s my birthday next month.. I better see nishimura riki delivered to my door with a pink ribbon around his head and biceps, while he sings Sofia the first theme song..

if my friends love me.. they’ll kidnap the loml for me 🤷‍♀️

specifically this Ni-Ki.. I NEED this Riki to be my bday present

Need this exact hairstyle to be on his perfect head.. but I’m not picky.. I’ll take any skin that LilRi comes in..

[velinxi]

The Last of The Real Ones by Fall Out Boy has strong Lilris vibes... :)

omg agreed?? i should draw them to this song

Hi! I'm a big fan of your webcomic since a very long time and I was just wondering, what website do you use to host it? I really love it, it looks professional and customized, and if it's okay, I'd like to try it too! Also, sorry for my English, I'm still learning;;

Wordpress! :D I hired someone to make it for me ^^ And your english is fine worry not!

I was wondering because I’ve been kind of confused about this. But do you personally package your orders from storenvy?? I know that some artists create art merchandise but have the companies deal with it for them when shipping so I was just curious. Ps I absolutely love your art!!!!

I do!! if theres something wrong w your order its usually on me so you’re free to dm me for compensation lol... Thank you!!

IS HIS NAME ARIO???? WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BOI

ITS NOT Its just a brooklyn 99 meme haha his name will be revealed soon...

[heeracha]

HELP WHY DID I SAY LITERALLY AS "lilry" 😭

[smamabear]

Lilrie Swump

[bestof1000]

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[iqvts]

10805 LILRY DR, Waco, TX 76708 from iQ Visual Tours on Vimeo.

For more information: cbwaco.com/listing/71-109976/10805-lilry-dr-waco-tx-76708/iq%20video%20tours

Cute! Cute! Great floorplan, 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, large family room, open to kitchen and dining, isolated master bedroom with walk in closet, fenced backyard with storage shed.

Contact: Betty Willis (254) 744-3679 bettywillis@hot.rr.com

[hibiscesque]

// A short ficlet with some thoughts abt SKK & dreams (or lack thereof); CW for hand-wavey trauma mentions.

After the tenth time Dazai revs up the volume to blast Crazy Frog on his headphones after Chuuya had—way more patiently than he should have, by the way—requested that he turn it the fuck down, Chuuya is done.

They say it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission, an adage that leaves him genuinely contemplating the merits of breaking Dazai's bones in alphabetical order now and apologizing to Mori-san for murdering his executive in cold blood later for a few moments. Luckily for Dazai, Chuuya is both an incredibly magnanimous partner and a little bit terrified of Mori-san when he's angry, so he settles for storming over to the other bed, ripping the headphones from Dazai's ears, and summarily snapping the cord over his knee.

Dazai, for his part, seems enragingly nonplussed by the turn of events.

"You're paying for that," he chirps, tossing the cord over into the trash and pulling out his handheld to start again on that dumb 1v1 he was playing through the entire meeting with their contact earlier today.

"God," Chuuya rages as the telltale automated beeping and imitation punching noises begin echoing through the room, "don't you ever sleep?"

"Nope!" Dazai informs him cheerfully, popping the P.

Chuuya breathes in. He breathes out. He tries not to burst every blood vessel in his brain out of sheer doneness with the disruptive, obnoxious, and downright diabolical creature who he has the misfortune to call a partner.

"We've been on this job for three days now," Chuuya points out, trying so hard to keep his voice even. "And you haven't so much as closed your eyes for more than ten seconds at a goddamn time."

Dazai raises an eyebrow at him as if he's just asked him to discuss the relative merits of licking up Vaseline like it's frosting.

"Yes," he says, like his actions over the last few days are perfectly reasonable and Chuuya is the crazy one. "Do you have a point?"

"You need sleep!" Chuuya snaps. "I'm not your freaking mother, I shouldn't have to tell you this!"

The other eyebrow artfully ascends to meet the first. "And you, former king of a gang of orphans and runaways from the slums, are telling me this because you're some kind of expert in what mothers tell their children."

Chuuya splutters, red hot piping rage squishing his heart like silly putty and shooting nitrified sriracha up his veins. "For the last time, I wasn't their ki—oh, FUCK you!"

"Sorry, not interested," Dazai trills, clearly only half paying attention to the conversation at this point as he mashes his fingers into his controller buttons.

"You know that wasn't what I—you know what? Nevermind. I don't even know why I try with you." Chuuya huffs and throws himself back against the bed, mashing a pillow into his face and letting out a groan so heavy-hitting it's almost a scream.

"I'm a saint," he muses, though the only response Dazai gives to that is the continual fighting noises from his game. "I'm a motherfucking saint."

He lets his breaths come in and out in a meditative pattern for a few minutes, trying to ease his nerves and burning rage for despicable mackerels enough to drift back into another couple of hours of uneasy sleep before rendezvous tomorrow. Infuriating beeping aside, he's almost managed it when a series of expletives hits the air in artful semantic form.

"Dammit!"

Chuuya turns just on time to see Dazai chuck his gaming machine to the side and groan a groan of the weary wicked.

"I'm going to regret asking this, but what?" Chuuya prods.

"My Nintendo died," Dazai mourns, starfishing across his bed—being the gangly sonuvabitch he is, all four of his limbs stick off the bed like candles out the sides of a cake.

"Good," Chuuya grumbles. "Now maybe you'll finally go to sleep."

He starts to roll over to try and catch whatever ZZZs are still possible at this point, but an even louder ruckus than before makes itself known on Dazai's side of the room and Chuuya hears his socked feet begin to pad toward the door.

"What is it now?" Chuuya demands.

"I'm going for a walk."

Chuuya thinks it is quite magnanimous of him not to scream like a banshee and tackle Dazai American football-style upon the registration of those words.

"It's three in the morning," Chuuya points out incredulously.

Kouyou had told him once that the most important part of keeping control of an argument is to make sure you remain calm. To make her point, she'd showed him some not-so-friendly repartee between two billionaire tech moguls—Bill Gates and the late Steve Jobs. As Jobs grew angrier and angrier through the course of their conversation, Gates remained calm, level, composed. By the end Jobs was all but screaming, sweating buckets and face ripe as a tomato, while Gates looked just about like he was out on a casual stroll smelling the roses.

"Who do you think won that argument?" she'd asked.

Chuuya had gotten the point.

He tries to remind himself of Kouyou's words now. Calm on top, he repeats to himself. Calm on top, calm on goddamn top.

"Just going to stretch my legs," Dazai titters a little too casually.

Fuck it.

"What the hell is up with you?" Chuuya demands, fists clenched as he shoots up in bed to bear his teeth at Dazai. "Why are you so fricking averse to sleeping, of all things? I know you think you're further along the evolutionary chain than the rest of us, but you still need to rest, you dolt!"

When he catches Dazai's gaze he is not expecting what he sees at all. Dazai has gone so stricken he's all but ossified, staring at Chuuya with an indescribable war in his burning dark eyes.

There is silence, for several moments, so loaded that Chuuya almost regrets his words. But then...

"What do you dream about?" Dazai blurts out.

Chuuya is so struck dumb by his question that his fists uncurl and his mouth drops open, a little.

"What?"

"Nevermind." Dazai huffs. "I'm gonna go on that walk." He begins to turn toward the door, but as Chuuya comes to himself a bit, he realizes he can't let that happen.

He's not—he's not stupid, you know, no matter what Dazai says. He knows why Dazai wants to know.

Very few people know— knew, in the Flags' cases—about Chuuya's little dream secret. And Dazai is, quintessentially, exactly the kind of person Chuuya would never want to let it slip to on both a personal and theoretical level. But whatever haunts Dazai at night is apparently horrid enough that he's pulled three all-nighters to avoid it, and that... doesn't sit right with Chuuya. If a moment of vulnerability, though Dazai's surely going to use it against him later, would be valuable to him in some way, make him feel better—or whatever the equivalent of feeling better is for a miserable creature like Dazai—Chuuya would be an asshole not to give it to him.

"I don't dream," Chuuya blurts out. 

When he's met only with silence, his lungs grow desperately uncomfortable in his chest, almost like his ribcage has grown a size too small. A little heady on the feeling, thirsty to stop it, he continues to run his mouth.

"I think it's… a side effect of whatever they did to me in the lab. I can't remember having a single dream, ever, in what I can remember of my life. Not while I was with the Sheep, and not now with the Port Mafia either. Not even after the whole N stuff. I thought—" 

Chuuya chuckles, and it feels more like an ache than amusement.

"I thought maybe all that electricity would have knocked something loose, but it didn't."

He looks down. Laugh-wheeze-chokes. "I shoulda been the one with an ability called No Longer Human, I guess. What kind of person doesn't even dream? Heh. Those, those sixty seconds you gave me, with Guivre. My choice. It wasn't me being selfless. I just already knew the answer. So yeah. Now you know. Make fun of me or whatever. I can take it."

He scrunches his eyes shut, preparing for the worst, because honestly, despite what he said, he's not sure if he can actually take being called inhuman by someone who somehow, despite being the least human person Chuuya knows, is also the most human person Chuuya has ever known. It would feel like a death knell, or something. The fall of a guillotine blade. The first shovelful of dirt tossed onto a coffin.

He'd told himself, when Mori had told him that story about the lead, when he'd driven by his parents' house, after everything with Verlaine, that he didn't need that answer either way. Because whether he was human or not, the Chuuya he was before the lab was dead. Because he's learned that there's more to being human than having once been a zygote. There's no one that's better proof of that than the people he's met while he's in the mafia.

But hearing that he's nothing but whatever whatsit lines of code from whip smart, fierce, brave, angry, apathetic, cruel, kind, hungry, unsatiable, childish, thousand-year-old Dazai would kill him, he thinks.

"No," Dazai says, right when Chuuya is about to implode with anticipation, and though Chuuya doesn't quite understand what he's talking about, he's surprised by the intensity. The lack of caustic mockery in his voice.

"'No' what?"

"You're so stupid," Dazai informs him.

Chuuya's eyebrows scrunch. "That is… not the reaction I was expecting."

"Dreams aren't what make us human," Dazai informs him, bowling over his words as if he hasn't spoken at all. "Dreams are just your subconscious' license to make you process your life in the cruelest and most awful way possible. Chuuya probably doesn't dream because he's so straightforward that he scares rulers. I promise you you're not missing out on—on humanity because you don't."

Chuuya stares. And stares. And stares some more.

Dazai scoffs. "Doesn't think he's human. I promise you if someone was gonna make a human they'd make sure to make them smarter than you. Your clone probably had double the IQ points."

"Fuck off," Chuuya snaps immediately, but maybe his chest is a little warm. Perhaps.

Then, because maybe he's also a little bit sadomasochistic, "What do you dream about anyway, Dazai?"

That gets the bastard. Dazai goes absolutely still.

"Come on." Chuuya scoffs. "You're not telling me that you're not going to spill the deets after making me pour my heart out. And don't tell me some shit like 'I dream about my perfect suicide' or 'I dream about you slipping on a banana peel and snapping your neck like a cheap pencil', because I'll actually strangle you if you do."

"Kinky," Dazai says, but his heart clearly isn't in it. He lets out a scoff of his own, rolling not just his eyes but his whole head until his neck pops with a snap. "Fine. I'll 'spill the deets', as you say." He plants himself crisscross applesauce on the floor like the obnoxious leech he is.

"I dream about things from my past."

Chuuya waits for him to go on, but he is only met by the sound of first crickets and then the world's tiniest violin.

"I kinda figured that," Chuuya points out dully. "Care to share any more?"

Dazai scoffs again, wetting his lips with his tongue carefully as he challengingly meets Chuuya's eyes.

"If it so pleases his highness. There are lots of things, but mostly it's about thieves."

Chuuya raises an eyebrow. "Thieves?" he prods.

It seems whatever Dazai is about to say causes even his spite to not be enough to give him the wherewithal to continue looking at Chuuya. "Yes. People taking something from me that I don't want to give. There. The end. Can I go on my walk now?"

Oh. Oh.

There are attoseconds in the back of Chuuya's mind where he tries to convince himself that he's misinterpreting, reading too much into those words, but the part of him who's known Dazai long enough to know that he would never let an implication like that into his words if he didn't mean it, if only because he believed it would make him look weak, knows he's not.

Chuuya desperately steadies his face so Dazai doesn't see it cracking in the way it so badly wants to. 

He, he wants to be sick, he wants to punch a wall, he wants to—something. He doesn't know. He's always been an action, action, action guy, but for the first time since he can remember—since ever, maybe—he doesn't know.

Chuuya's met dozens of people with stories like that, in the Sheep and later, his dear late friend Lippmann, even, but Dazai was somehow the last person he'd ever expect to have something like that in their past.

"A fly just flew in your mouth," Dazai informs Chuuya.

Stopping himself from shrieking is a near miss. "Wha—whaaah?" He begins hacking and coughing, trying to spit it out. "EGH! Da'ai, Da'ai is ih gahe? 'I 'ou 'ee i' 'eae?"

It's only when he hears the first pitchy giggle that he realizes what's happened. 

"You asshole," Chuuya says in realization, so shocked it's almost reverent. He glowers. "You know, normally when people want people to stop gaping they say, 'Close your mouth; you'll catch flies.' They don't tell someone that there is a fly in their mouth!"

"Love you too," Dazai enthuses, causing Chuuya to devolve into another round of spluttering. By the time he's remembered what they were talking about moments ago, he's gotten enough distance from the immediate emotional overwhelm of Dazai's confession to remember that this is Dazai and pigs would fly before sympathy would be allowed on the table in their relationship.

"Yeah, whatever," Chuuya mutters, rolling his eyes. "Gonna regret asking this in about two minutes, but room for another person on your walk?"

Shocking Dazai twice in one night should entitle Chuuya to some kind of trophy, he thinks.

"You're not going to try and make me go to bed?"

"Hey, hey, don't get me wrong," Chuuya insists quickly. "Tomorrow you're not getting a fucking option. But I'm tired enough that I pity your dumb ass right now and I'm not gonna make you tonight. Look—" Chuuya hesitates, wondering exactly how to word this. "—I wouldn't want to sleep if that was what I was dreaming about either, OK? So this is your one-time get out of jail free card for basic human bodily functions."

When Dazai doesn't respond right away, Chuuya feels anxiety begin to stir up in his gut, wondering if he's said something wrong.

"You good, bastard?" he asks cautiously.

"Yep!" Dazai chirps cheerfully. "Just trying to figure out a way I can make you regret asking to come with me in less than two minutes. Chip, chip, cheerio, let's go, puppy-o!"

"Go die in a hole," Chuuya snaps, but maybe he's smiling a little.

[champagneandfame-blog-blog]

crazy stupid dumb mix by l i l r i

pure waves

[jitori]

I STILL DON'T GET WHY WE DON'T TALK WE'RE FOLLOWING EACHOTHER AND I LITERALLY LIKE/REBLOG EVERYTHING YOU POST MAYBE I'M INTIMIDATED BY YOU OR SOMETHING IDK

IDKY EITHER CARRIE OK THEN LET'S TALKKKK I'm awkward ok so idk what we should talk abt. and it's not like we can talk abt weather bc we're thousand miles away from each other so yeah

BUT DON'T GET INTIMIDATED BY ME OMG I'M NAISU

so uhm.. what's your first kpop group? and has ri always been your ultimate bias or?

[hibiscesque]

Hi! Idk if Tumblr does what I—hailing from short-form microblogging sites—call a "threadfic", but here are some thoughts about SKK and Dazai's changing valuation of memories and history through Chuuya I had a couple of months ago and shared on Twitter (approx. 1k words):

Chuuya has many little—ah, the word to use in polite company is probably "eccentricities"—from his time on the streets. He empties the napkin dispenser every time they go for casual food because "You don't get it; they're useful!" He pays exclusively in cash even though he now has an address and more than enough income for a card. He can't fall asleep, never ever, unless his back is to a wall.

Not that Dazai has noticed any of these things of his own free will. It's just that Chuuya had always been so simply infuriating and bold bright BAM! that it was impossible not to pay attention.

But yes, the habits. Habits on habits on habits. Dazai had never really bothered to tease him about them. There were much better things to make fun of him for, like his height, or his Chihuahua-like yappiness, or his insufferably on-the-nose taste in fashion.

There was always one exception to that though: the photographs. The neverending, unassailably omnipresent photographs.

Most people use their phone to text, or play games, or, you know, maybe even make a call or two if they're feeling spicy. Chuuya? He had always almost exclusively used his to take pictures. Pictures of his friends. Pictures of his men. And worst of all, pictures of Dazai.

"For memories," he'd say, scowling and hilariously failing to hold his phone out of Dazai's reach when he went to snatch it away, "So I don't forget."

It's not like Dazai hadn't gotten where this preoccupation came from. He had. It was just that the entire concept of photography had always been stupid to him, if you'd ever asked him. He'd intended to be dead in the near future, so it'd seemed a bit redundant to try and capture memories when he was not going to be here to remember them. 

It somehow, however, apparently, added and will probably continue to add meaning to Chuuya's life. Dazai could never quite wrap his brain around that. He had been searching for a, any kind of, meaning for years, for his whole godforsaken life, and yet Chuuya lives and doesn't even think about that kind of thing. He finds meaning in everything he sees.

He sees a picture of his piano wire friend, and to him, it's a picture of his piano wire friend. Even after the Flags die—after which the frequency of the photos multiply by a factor of ten, by the way—all he sees when he looks at that same photograph is his friend whom he loved and all he is feeling as he looks at it is whatever things people feel when they think about their friend that they loved who is dead.

Dazai had taken one look at that, a candid shot of Piano Man talking to someone offscreen with his hand wrapped around a drink, and had noticed before anything else that he was looking down and to the right. 

Body language isn't an exact science, but if someone is trying to recall a memory, they tend to look down and to the left. Down and to the right is the direction people usually look in when they are trying to imagine something. Whatever Piano Man was telling the person he was talking to, it was probably a lie.

He'd ponder, whenever Chuuya brought out that photo, about what Piano Man may have been lying about. It's not that Dazai frowns upon dishonesty—he is dishonest as a matter of course—it's just that it's strange. Crazy, even. How perspective can change a recollection. How perspective can change anything. He doesn't like how he feels when Chuuya pulls that picture out. Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya, who somehow sees beauty in this photograph, sees beauty in a bunch of pixels on a screen arranged into the shape of a now faintly recalled memory.

Dazai used to wonder, sometimes, how Chuuya had gotten kidnapped by the government for Project Arahabaki in the first place. Not a frequent concern, more like an occasional irritant when he was feeling particularly maudlin. 

Then one day, he'd been walking to Lupin with Odasaku and Ango, and they had found a child, about five, maybe six, wandering the streets by himself. Odasaku, the bleeding heart, had of course approached him and asked him where his mommy was, introducing himself as a dad of five kids himself.

Though Dazai's mother wasn't in much a position to do this considering their lifestyle, he knew it was common advice that mothers gave their children that if they ever got lost, they should go find the nearest mom with kids. And yet this child had looked up at Odasaku, who had given him no proof of his claim at all, with wide, doleful, completely trusting eyes, and raced into his arms, bursting into tears.

The child had had dark hair and eyes, but in that moment, those had not been the colors Dazai was seeing.

They probably hadn't even needed to drug Chuuya, he'd realized. He'd probably put his soft baby hand in his kidnapper's larger, calloused, adult one and walked to his own doom willingly.

And Chuuya, almost ten years later, had done the same thing again when Shirase had stabbed a knife into his kidney. And again now, Chuuya, over ten years late, still loves people with his whole heart. Mourns every loss of life and friendship to its fullest. Had willingly worked with Dazai, the guy who had blown up his whole life when he was fifteen. This way had seemed like a very painful one to live by to Dazai, for the longest time. He'd had an incapability, of sorts, to see beauty in a life where everything you ever love is lost. To understand that there is still meaning in a life in which you have lost.

He thinks he gets it, now. 

[hibiscesque]

Fanfic Writer Interview

@chuuyaspinkmotorcycle16 tagged me (<3) and I almost tagged her wrong here because she has the audacity to use a different username than on Twt.

How many works do you have on AO3?

Nineteen visible, five hidden! Hoping to get a few more in before 2025 pray 4 me.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

Just gonna do the SKK ones because no one on here follows me for DC Comics or THG.

Post-Coital Miss (4,237 words) Oneshot, M - A (nonexplicit) fic where Dazai is That Dormmate who keeps the rest of the ADA up with his loud sex shenanigans with Chuuya and Atsushi contemplates the merits of taking after his mentor and jumping into the river after being chosen to confront him.

Less Like You (22,909 words) Twoshot, E - My scar sex fic—both of their scars, not just Dazai's. I don't really know how to encapsulate it in a blurb but it's actually not about the sex at all it's all a front for the feelings. So many feelings. (Too many feelings). Transzai because I love Twitter user ardenistired.

Supersonic Boom (67,502) Multichap, T, Complete - High school AU except Chuuya is the dedicated "good girl" student and Dazai is a delinquent "bad boy" truant instead of the other way around because you can pry that iteration of them from my dead, cold hands. Featuring Dazai's dastardly schemes, ultimate badgood romcom wingman Albatross, homeless Chuuya, and illiterate-but-also-smarter-than-the-teachers Dazai.

Places of Worship (8,250 words) Oneshot, E - Praise kink but it's also lowkey trust kink because Dazai enacts a dastardly plan to get Chuuya to break up with him because he realizes he's falling in love with him. Once again the sexytimes are incidental (but also very steamy).

nothing, the wind, the sky (64,790 words) Multichap, M, Ongoing - Started writing this at a lowkey dark time in my life. It's really heavy and honestly I'm not sure I recommend it? It deals with themes of suicidality, CSA, empathy fatigue, suicide survivor (the loved one, not the suicidal person) trauma, financial trauma, human experimentation/medical trauma, trauma bonds, codependent relationships, forced mental health care, and that's just what I can remember. It was originally supposed to be four(?) chapters but it has a plot now that's actually related to the events in BSD.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! They make me so happy and I want to express my gratitude.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I actually don't usually write angsty endings. There's only one up that's not hidden right now, Deliver Us From Ev—. It's exactly what it says on the tin. A traumatized Dazai with no concept of healthy boundaries and consent manipulates Oda into having sex with him on his 18th birthday. It's non-explicit, non-sexy, lowkey kinda brutal, and I've been told by commenters that it left them genuinely upset and a little disturbed.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Supersonic Boom. It was SO soft and cheesy I didn't know if I was cringing or melting as I wrote it.

Do you write crossovers?

Anyone who thinks they can write a crossover after Magic and Mystery dropped is just kidding themselves. /lhj

(No, I don't haha).

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No real hate! One nasty comment once, though.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Porn as a vessel for complicated emotions to the point the porn is the tangential part. Next question.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

OMG Malaika reminded me about the thief website crisis of summer 2024 that was wild. So yes.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

She has a private Twitter account so I don't know if she'd want me sharing it, but a lovely individual translated my The More You Grow series of teen SKK shorts into Russian on Ficbook. Link to the original here and the translation here. <3

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I've done trades!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

The controversial trenchcoat man and the redhead he's definitely not in love with.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Right now, all of them. 🗿🗿🗿

What are your writing strengths?

I wasn't quite sure how to answer this one. I just write by applying what I learned through the osmosis of a childhood of reading books for 4+ hours every day in ways that make the brain termites happy lol there is no craft involved. I went back through some comments on my fics to see if there were any trends and the most common kind things people have said were "I like how you write the SKK relationship dynamic" and "I like your writing style".

What are your writing weaknesses?

Including enough description. I am a very, very dialogue and character-heavy writer because that's the part of writing I enjoy and honestly a lot of the time I forget I even have to set the scene.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'm not opposed to it but I never feel confident in doing that unless it's a language I know myself. When reading other people's fics, I enjoy it when the writer is doing it on purpose to emphasize the lack of information or confusion their character is garnering from the words, but to be honest I get frustrated sometimes when there's a really emotional conversation going on between two characters and suddenly I can't understand what one of them is saying.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

Don't laugh. Shenny The Big Bang Theory.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

No ❤️

Tags: @moonsmessyart, @monkey-banana41, @chupenguin, @oswinaltava, @neontoad

[hibiscesque]

Prompt: Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

Thank you for tagging me, dearest @monkey-banana41! <3

Uhhhh oh God I have so many this is gonna be a doozy. I enjoy coming up with titles very much so I have very few unnamed fics in my folders.

Cr*ppily Ever After

one thousand little deaths

That Pretty Word for Slaughterhouse

The Plural of Human Beings

& Home & Home & Home

seven thousand synonyms for brave

girlbitch

Perfidy, As in the War Crime

"Trust", Or Something

May Death Do Us Part

No Evil, None At All

The Color of Air

cradle to grave

a beast with many teeth

Dot Your "I"s

every man be blind

One-Manned Armies

Untitled Trosszai Love Story

Samemies

God Is Dead

Memento Mori

Dating Ritual, Mating Ritual, Gender Predicating Ritual

Gunpowder Blue

Incorruptible

Miss Me in Your Bones

Shark Week for Dummies

The Bitch Sitch

Unfortunately I do not use Tumblr much so I actually don't think I know enough people to tag AHAHA; most I know have already been tagged anyway hehe. So I'm just leaving it out there that you can do this if you want to and PLEASE tag me if you do because I love hearing about ppl's WIPs!

[hibiscesque]

I was informed by the Tumblr notif gods I have posted 25 posts. Yay... I think?

[hibiscesque]

Hey fellas do any of you have recs for good BSD accounts to follow here? I want my tl more lively but the Tumblr recommended is not being too helpful

[hibiscesque]

I keep forgetting I have a Tumblr,,,