#lilou's mental health tag

[scribbledquillz]

My probably ADHD ass managed to lose track of my good Bluetooth earbuds a few days ago. Had a partial freak out because I couldn't find them, bought some cheap $12 ones from a drug store and was bemoaning my loss of decent connectivity and sound. A few minutes ago my phone AUTO CONNECTED to the lost pair that miraculously hadn't lost their charge, and I was able to blast "ten hour screaming cowboy" at max volume until I echolocated my scatterbrained ass around my house and found them hidden under kiddo's superhero cape.

There's no point to this story, just thought it was chuckle worthy.

[endlessly-cursed]

lilou & thibault 'rhys' dubois - children of joseph dubois and griselda abbott

the twins were born in 1952 by joseph dubois and griselda abbott. they were similar, yet different.

lilou was amiable, kind, soft and vivacious, but also fierce, ambitious, individualistic, cunning and always aimed high and admired her grandfather caspar and wanted to be like him.

thibault earned the nickname rhys by his quidditch friends for his fortitude and competitiveness in the pitch. he soon fell into the bad companies of the sports and was addicted to irish alcohol. he met his future wife leah and tried to get better, but his son jacob disappearing worsened his progress and mental health, and soon associated himself with 'R' to save him and keep his children safe, and gain a little power back. he called himself 'peregrine'. eventually, his own daughter, isabelle dubois, was the one to take him down, much to his heartbreak, and was sent to azkaban. he'd never see her again.

tagging @cursebreakerfarrier since they're your grandchildren 🫶🏻

alfie allen as a young thibault rhys peregrine dubois

ceara coveney as a young lilou dubois

[lilouapproves]

tagged by @asianwashington - thank you lovely! <33

rules:  answer the questions and tag some blogs you’d like to get to know better

nicknames: Lilou star sign: Libra time right now: 10:39 pm  last thing i googled: Tried to reverse caller id a phone number that called me, but alas no dice.   favorite music artist(s): Too many, but Fall Out Boy will always be high up on the list. song stuck in my head: None at the moment thankfully.  last movie i watched: Moonrise Kingdom last tv show i watched: the tarantula episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me what i’m wearing right now: Brown tank top and a pair of shorts because it’s 76 degrees in here and jfc wtf mother nature it was 38 four days ago?? when i created this blog: Uh. I. Do not know for sure. 2012 ish? kind of stuff i post: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Overwatch, other video games and media I happen to be into at any given moment, stuff about my oc, cute animals, personal ramblings and ventings, general shenanigans with smatterings of feminism and mental health talks.  do i have any other blogs: I have an rp blog for Revka, but it’s on an indefinate hiatus atm.  do i get asks regularly: Nope.  why did i choose my url: Because I’m a dork who can’t pass up a good DA: Origins reference. Also I’m amused by the fact that people see “lilouapproves” in their notes every time I like something they post.  hogwarts house: Hufflepuff 110% pokemon team: I picked team valor, but never really did much with the gyms tbh. favorite color: Every shade of purple visible by the human eye.  favorite character: Zevran Arainai from Dragon Age: Origins. Hands down.     number of blankets i sleep with: A sheet and a comforter but half the time I stick my feet out at the bottom.  dream job: Something creative where I can be involved in story telling.  following: 287 atm number of posts: 8,325.... holy crap that’s a lot of memes.

tagging: ummmm anyone who’d like to do it just @ me I wanna know your answers *chinhands*

[scribbledquillz]

Anxiety rambling under the cut.

I don't like having to make posts like this because I inevitably end up feeling like I was somehow trying to manipulate people into telling me I'm not a bad person. But sometimes the anxiety brain rips the wheel out of my hands and leaves swerving all over the road, and this is definitely one of those moments. Getting things out tends to help so here goes.

I realized this afternoon that - despite doing my best to research and plan my script and plot with the right care towards a certain minority group - I've still managed to inadvertently include at least one, possibly two depending on perspective, tropes that are. Not cool. The "silent native" one specifically. Add that to the fact that there's a situation in the plot done by the main antagonist that is EXTREMELY messed up (and never presented to be anything BUT messed up and vile) and I'm basically in panic mode over it.

I'm trying to tell myself that I caught it. I'm fine, I'm fixing it. I've added an additional scene that lets the characters have more voice in the story and gives a more direct perspective on why one of them reacted to something with anger and (mild) violence (injury to and threat toward the life of their child). I've also settled on a way that will allow them to be shown to be speaking in a different language than the other cast members, at least until I've been able to build up interest with my prologue and (hopefully) raised enough money to cover the cost of first a sensitivity reader (which I'd planned to do from the start) and then potentially a translator who can help me have their speech translated to a dialect appropriate for the region they would feasibly be in. Coast Salish, Halkomelem specifically.

But anxiety being what it is, I can't stop rotating a hundred more what ifs around my head.

What if there's another huge problem you aren't seeing? What if your fix isn't good enough? What if you've got to go back and redo the last six months of work? What if even after bringing in a reader, translator, etc it still isn't enough and the internet rips you to shreds for being an entitled white lady trying to tell stories you shouldn't be?

Given the context of the story, where it takes place, what it involves, it only makes sense that this group of people I'm worrying about (which technically aren't homo sapiens, but are an extremely close evolutionary relative) have a lot of similarities with the indigenous populations nearby. It wouldn't feel right or genuine to try to make them something else. And I swear on everything I'm doing my best to make sure I approach this story with the right respect and consideration it needs.

But omg if I fuck this up... My first writing project I've actually managed to see this far... Jesus I don't know if I could handle that.

[scribbledquillz]

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[scribbledquillz]

Re: that post I just reblogged. I think I will go ahead and take the weekend to go offline. I have a piece in the works (which @siriskulksnerding you know what I'm talking about 😘) I will hop on to get sorted if things are ready ofc. But other than that I think I need some unplugged time. The husband and I have plans to attack the mess in the basement while kiddo is visiting her aunt, and I'd like to spend some time getting my garden settled if possible.

Yeah that sounds real good.

[scribbledquillz]

In a lot of ways I'm proud of myself. Five years ago - hell even more recently than that if I'm honest with myself - I would have already burnt out by now trying to balance motherhood, my hobbies and my original piece. I'd have thrown myself too hard into one project or the other, neglected the rest and felt guilty for devoting too much time to anything and not enough time to everything.

I'm better at this now. The sentiment of create for yourself and the joy of it seems to finally be taking root in me. I indulge in more than one hobby at a time, and don't feel badly for using time I could have been writing for things like painting, drawing or playing a game.

I'm better at knowing when things need to change and when it's time to alter my course. Case in point my comic; I started writing it because I needed something tangible and original I could complete in a reasonable amount of time. But surprising no one, the story spiraled into something much, much bigger than I'd originally intended it to be. And I've realized for the time and the energy I have, it's too much. To do that story properly and with the justice it deserves I'd not only need four times as much time to write it as I'd wanted to devote to the process, but the same if not more to research and reviewing things to make sure I approached certain topics with the respect they require. And I wasn't willing to sacrifice that respect, while knowing it was just - too much for one person trying desperately to finish their first original work while balancing parenting and running a household.

I'm proud of myself for knowing my limitations and when to ease the expectations I hold myself too. I'm proud of letting myself enjoy other things without guilt.

But at the same time I can't shake the little voice in the back of my head, even if it's only clinging by its fingernails. It's not as strong as it used to be but it still seems determined to convince me I'm letting the people here who enjoy my writing down by not being here as much as I'd have been able to before. Or to tell me starting a plot for my project from scratch is just me being lazy, or afraid of the effort, or as scattered and fickle as ever. Bastard is really tenacious like that.

Not sure what the point of all this was - really I think it was more for me to get the feelings out and into words. It's easier to pry that voice's grip loose when I know what it's muttering about. Just gotta keep practicing patience and understanding with myself, I suppose. Better to know my limits and adjust for them than charge full steam ahead on a collision course with a wall I can't avoid.

One of these days I'll finish something I'm proud of that's entirely new and original. I've got the prologue still, that doesn't need to change. Just need to figure out what to build on from there.

[scribbledquillz]

Please excuse my whining in the tags. Everything is fine I just want to bitch.

[scribbledquillz]

Having one of those brain days where my to-do list feels impossibly large and really pointless (ie dishes, laundry, convincing kiddo to pick up after herself) bc Lord knows it'll just be a disaster by the time I finish cleaning it up. I was super grouchy earlier and had to apologize to the husband for my grumpy ass, and I think the way I phrased it to him was the most accurate - you ever see two cats fight with each other in Loony Tunes? And it's just a big puffy cloud of smoke flailing all over the place with random limbs sticking out and lots of awful yowling? That's what my brain feels like today.

[scribbledquillz]

That feel when you wanna keep writing but the gas tank is sputtering and you KNOW if you keep pushing you will Regret.

[scribbledquillz]

Hello, it's me again. Your local anxious wannabe comic author.

Been doing yet more thinking about this issue I've run into, and I think I've found a better, simpler solution. I'm trying very hard to keep this whole project under the umbrella of the KISS method - Keep It Simple, Stupid. And the initial panic mode adjustments strayed WELL out of that umbrella. Think Tom Holland lip sync battle in drag outside of the umbrella.

Initially when I was planning this story, I had a much larger scale plot planned. I'd intended to do a lot more delving into the culture and life of the fictitious people I was creating and using inspiration for. HOWEVER I had to narrow my scope down quite a bit in the last months in order to keep this story something manageable I could feasibly complete on my own with the resources and time I have / can afford. Rather than a large scale plot, it's narrowed into a story about obsession, what damage it can do to a person and their relationships and how hard it can be to let go of something you've fought for for literal decades. I think - for the sake of my sanity and the due respect - I'm going to pull back further. I'd loved the idea of there being a people behind the source of the Bigfoot mythology. But when I can't, in the scope of this story, grant the right introspection into them as a people and culture, it doesn't feel right to continue that way. I'm thinking rather than approach the big foot people as a different type of human, I'll be adjusting things so that they're true Sasquatch - as in a fictional great ape species that's advanced to using tools, weapons, making clothing and masks, etc.

And I think that in doing that, keeping them to the truly, unmistakably fantasy based with no ties or influence from one particular culture, it will make it easier for me to deliver the story I have planned without inadvertently making a massive ass of myself.

[scribbledquillz]

Brain also full of pesky anxiety mosquitoes that are juuuust loud enough to be annoying

Head full of feelings, body full of sleepies. Brain word dumb. Tragic. 😭

[scribbledquillz]

Idk who needs to hear this tonight, but I've been struggling with it a lot myself lately so I imagine there's at least a couple folks who could use the sentiment:

It's ok to not be able to create content as often or as quickly as you used to.

It's ok for your WIP to stay a WIP.

It's ok to bounce between projects and follow the one that has your interest at the moment.

It's ok to spend your free time doing other hobbies you enjoy.

Life outside of fandom comes first, and your projects will turn out much better and you'll think far fonder of them once you let yourself treat them like the hobby they're supposed to be. <3

[scribbledquillz]

There is freedom in knowing at the end of the day - a lot of things don't matter.

I don't mean that in a nihilistic, "what does it matter no one cares" sort of way. I have lived in that mindset for most of my adult life to varying extents thanks to my depression. And it is a sad, dull, exhausting existence I would never wish on anyone, let alone glorify.

What I do mean though, is that my frame of mind and general mood has absolutely blossomed into something actually enjoyable in the last month since starting my antidepressants. And the biggest change I've noticed is that I'm able for the first time in my life to look at (in my case) a fic, or drabble prompt or whatever other writing content I have on my to-do list, and NOT feel existential dread at not completing more content faster. Right now I have about a dozen or so writing projects I have every intention of finishing - but I'm able to look at them and tell myself it's ok that they aren't done. It's ok that right now, I'm really into this video game I want to finish during what little free time I have while on Mom duty.

Which isn't to say I don't CARE about the writing - quite the opposite in fact. But I've finally found a way to reach a peace of mind knowing that I will get to them at some point when I have the time, energy and inspiration to tackle them. That today, it doesn't matter that I didn't write. Because this is my hobby, and something I do for fun.

[scribbledquillz]

Rough week for writing, all. Real life obligations and the resulting brain / body exhaustion have made self care the priority for my free time the last couple days. I still hope to have the Bloodletter fic ready to go by Halloween, but gotta be realistic and admit it might not make the arbitrary deadline I set for myself. Especially with the husband's bday on Tuesday and d&d Sunday.

But today is a day for fic meme answers and some cute potion making game I got on beta from steam. Here's hoping some writing can happen this weekend. 💜

[scribbledquillz]

Hello, I am in fact still among the living.

Apologies for my lack of presence here over the last week-ish. Per the usual everything that could possibly blow up in my life has decided to do so all within the same seven days. We got medical issues, emergency home repairs, friends in the hospital, a cat with bum kidneys, and a healthy does of good old fashioned Sad Brain Time as a cherry on top.

I'm sincerely hoping to be able to get back to some amount of writing within the next week or two. Until then, I'mma try to wave at you all as I break the obligations surface to take a massive gulp of air before I dive back in. Much love to all of you. 💜