#but im finally making progress in setting boundaries for myself

[hazzasultimatekiwi]

no one needs to read this i’m just talking into the universe tbh

[sumu-samu]

(Broken) Habits

Final part, glad to get this off my drive lol.

Master list | part 1 | part 2| part 3

Two months later

Since that night Cutie and Geordi either texted or called every night. Eventually Geordi moved back in with them, and for the first time in a while, it wasn’t silent. They still never asked to enter his mind, but not because they were over stepping that boubndry, but because they still didn’t trust themselves. If they did it once what was stoping them from doing it again. They couldn’t hurt Geordi like that, not again.

“Hey,” Geordi’s voice was soft, “Penny for your thoughts?” He gave them a half smile as he set their breakfast down in front of them.

They just shook their head, “No- nothing. It’s nothing.” They picked up their fork and started eating.

“Hey, Cutie…” Geordi also picked up his fork but didn’t start eating yet.

“Hm?” They hummed with mouth full of eggs.

“I- I’m not saying it’s something you have to do… not if you don’t want to… but I’ve just noticed that… you haven’t asked to you know-” He couldn’t even get the full thing out before Cutie almost choked before swallowing their eggs.

“I haven’t. I haven’t read your mind. I haven’t gone in there. I- I’m better I swear. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Panic filled their voice.

“No, no,no that-. I didn’t think that you did. You say you’re better and I believe you, it’s just… you haven’t even asked to… and… i guess its just… I kinda miss it.” He shrugged. “Do you think you want-”

“No.” They replied sharply without looking at him.

“That-... that was fast… is… is everything okay?” He was taken aback from how quickly they shut him down.

“Im fine.” a short respond with the same sharp tone.

“Cutie, I don’t mean to pry, and seriously if its something you really don’t want to talk about I’ll back off. But, I know you my love. I can see something is wrong. I’m still Geordi, you’re still my Cutie. The only thing thats changed is you’re getting help. You can still talk to me. Trust me. Like I trust you.: His eyes were full of concern, with love, with adoration.

“I-.. I do trust you Geordi…” The tossed their eggs around their plate with their fork.

“But-... There’s a but in there isn’t there?” Geordi layed his hand ontop of theirs.

“I don’t… I don’t trust… I don’t trust myself.” They looked up at him with sad eyes. “I’m scared Geordi. I’m scared if I’m allowed in once, I’m going to fall right back into that shitty person I was. The one who didn’t respect your boundaries, the one you felt necessary to compare to so shitty ex. I’m scared I’m going to hurt you again.” Their eyes began to water, they tried to bat away any stray tears, but Geordi took both of their hands in his.

“Look at me. Cutie, look. Recovery is a slow and strenuous process, I know it may feel exhausting, sometimes you’ll fall backwards and it may feel like you aren’t making any progress at all. But hear me when I say this, as an outside perspective, not as you, not as your lover, not as your boyfriend, as just Geordi, you have come so far. And it touches me to hear you say that the reason you haven’t is because you don’t want to hurt me, thats sweet, it is. But Cutie, you can’t trade one extreme for another. I like it when you talk to me in my head, its fun, it feels intimate, all I ask is that you ask before you do, and if I ask for some time, then give me a little time.” Cutie was nodding their head the whole time he spoke. “Now, do you think you would maybe want to…”

“I-.. N-... uh…” Cutie struggled they did, they really did, but like… one talk isn’t going to make those thoughts go away.

“It’s okay to say no. But just know that right now, in this moment, I want you in. I want you to listen.” He looked deep into their eyes. Cutie felt themselves nod their head. “Okay. well, youre more than welcome.”

Cutie entered his mind. Cute, so cute. They care, they’ve changed. Change, good, good change. Beautiful eyes. Can they hear? Can you hear? Are you listening? Cutie nodded their head. Good. good. Smile, cute smile, I love that smile, I love you. Never leaving. I won’t leave. I love you. Cutie chuckled “Geordi”

My name. Sounds sweet. I like when you say my name. “Yes?” whats up baby? What do you need? What can I do. Smile, keep that smile. Love that smile.

“Go eat your breakfast you dork.” They laughed

Laughing, cute laugh. Sounds like music. Like angels, I love that laugh, I love that smile I love you. “Right.” He got up and went back to his seat to eat. I’m so lucky, I love you. Look at me, let me see your eyes. Beautiful eyes, gorgeous eyes, I could get lost in those eyes. Hey don’t roll them at me. You know what? Just for that…

No, don’t you dare they tried to stop him but it was too late

Iiiits a smaaall world aaaftr aaalllll. It’sss a smaaalll world afterrr all-

I will disconnect if you don’t stop

With that the door bell rang.

I’ll get it! Geordi ran to the door before Cutie could even get up. They heard the door open Who? Familiar. They look familiar. Name… damn it why am I so bad with names “uhm… hello.”

“Hey! Cutie here?” A familiar voice rang out.

They got up from the table and went to the door, wrapping their arms around Geordi, “Hey Stealth, Hi Milo.” They waved to the slightly smaller male behind their friend. He was taller than Cutie, almost Geordi’s height but Stealth was a giant so they made everyone look small. He didn’t respond to the greeting.

“Milo, be nice. S’ry He’s a lill grumpy cause I made Him come. If we had it his way, we’d been layin’ in bed all morn’.” They waved their boyfriend’s pouty mood off.

Tall, scary, why does that man look so mad, should I let them in? I should let them in. Don’t be rude Geordi of course you should. “W-well, come in no need to uh, no need to stand out in the open. Un-unless you want to.” Geordi said nervously. He had met Stealth before, not Milo though, yet he was still intimidated by Stealths height. Shit, we didn’t clean. We haven’t even finished breakfast. Did you invite them? Why are they here? We didn’t have any time.

“Sorry about the mess, um. We weren’t really expecting you. Glad to see you though.” Cutie smiled at their friend.

You didn’t invite them? What kind of person invites themselves over?

My best friend kind. Geordi be nice.

Sorry.

“Oh it’s not a big deal to us. If you’d like we could leave and come back when ya’llfeel like you’ve cleaned up the place. Although, it looks super clean already. Well compared to how you had it when-” Stealth began to share too much information.

Cutie cleared their throat throwing them a ‘shut the hell up’ look. “No you don’t have to leave. It’s fine. Why’d you come over anyways.” They asked.

Compared to what? Why’d you stop them? What are you hiding you menace? Was it when I was at my sisters?

Shut up Geordi

“Oh honestly we-” Milo cleared His throat, “I- wanted to see ya’ll. Sorry bout Milo, he’s not usually this grumpy. He’s normally a super sweet guy.” They gave him a side glare.

“Not anything against you, you are a great person Cutie.I was just told we were going to the store and going back home. Sorry if it seems I don’t want to be around you.” He apologized.

“It’s okay Milo. Well while youre here you guys want a drink or anything? Wanna play mario cart or something?” At Cuties offer Milo’s eyes lit up.

“Oh hell yeah. I’d love to.”

They all sat on the couch and played marrio cart

[barrymccaulkinem]

it's like my recovery finally started to happen again: I'm showering daily and doing laundry more often subsequently (task initiation & drive), increased socialization (online but like, where else?), I'm playing doom eternal ancient gods on hurt me plenty (better reaction times/cognitive alacrity) but now i know what happens next

if it continues, my mood improves to a point where i am forced to fear either being medically imprisoned again or having a demand placed on me to bring money into the house. the fear will tank my mood for me i wont even make it to that point but if i did either of those would ruin any progress i've made and set me years back.

thanks capitalism, only system that works, for forcing me under the thumb of a woman who threw me around by the arm and shouted at me bc she was jealous (explicitly) of my mania. this woman who will break any agreement or cross any boundary as soon as its in the way of what she wants, who doesnt think before she acts at all and cant be trusted.

im stuck forever until i can have a free place to live and free money to support myself and wont have to see my mother at all. i cannot wait to kms bc thats definitely gonna happen first and this got old years ago

[scribbledquillz]

There is freedom in knowing at the end of the day - a lot of things don't matter.

I don't mean that in a nihilistic, "what does it matter no one cares" sort of way. I have lived in that mindset for most of my adult life to varying extents thanks to my depression. And it is a sad, dull, exhausting existence I would never wish on anyone, let alone glorify.

What I do mean though, is that my frame of mind and general mood has absolutely blossomed into something actually enjoyable in the last month since starting my antidepressants. And the biggest change I've noticed is that I'm able for the first time in my life to look at (in my case) a fic, or drabble prompt or whatever other writing content I have on my to-do list, and NOT feel existential dread at not completing more content faster. Right now I have about a dozen or so writing projects I have every intention of finishing - but I'm able to look at them and tell myself it's ok that they aren't done. It's ok that right now, I'm really into this video game I want to finish during what little free time I have while on Mom duty.

Which isn't to say I don't CARE about the writing - quite the opposite in fact. But I've finally found a way to reach a peace of mind knowing that I will get to them at some point when I have the time, energy and inspiration to tackle them. That today, it doesn't matter that I didn't write. Because this is my hobby, and something I do for fun.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

another unsolicited relationship advice post:

okay. i know that there’s probably thousands of relationship advice posts on here. but anyway. to my younger followers, if i have any:

if anyone that you’ve just met declares that you’re “girlfriend material” or “boyfriend material” and that you must simply meet their parents NOW! or some other ridiculously short interval (like a week say), instead of, idek, like a month or two into your relationship, know that that is a possible red flag for trying to push the relationship too fast.

i say this as again, bc on some buzzfeed fb post about supposed “nice guys” i commented about my high school stalker/creeper from 2012/2013. who, when i first met him in 2012 at public school, he insisted that after two days of knowing him that i simply “have to meet my (his) mum and my sisters right now! bc you’re girlfriend material and i LOVE you!”

like woah! dude! i’ve known you for a grand total of two fucking days! i absolutely don’t have to meet your family RIGHT NOW (although if i’d ever been stupid enough to actually date my stalker back then, i would’ve had to meet his mum or one of his 4 sisters/all of them at once; at some point anyway…. bc they would’ve had to drive us to dates etc bc neither of us had our Ps (provisional drivers licence here in aus) yet at the time)). because i’m pretty sure the normal window is about 1-2 months? maybe 3-4 months? why the fuck are you so obsessed with the term “girlfriend material”??? what the actual FUCK does that EVEN mean?? get away from me. bc this isn’t love. it’s something else, that i can’t put my finger on.

compare this to clear braces boy from catholic school, who literally took almost 3 years to ask me out; and to even ask for my number. when he’d finally asked for my number right before one set of the winter holidays at the end of term 2/before the start of term 3 in 2010, i was so oblivious as to why he wanted my number…. when he’d never wanted it/asked for it before.

so when he called me, while i was still on the bus home from school, i was panicking like “OH FUCK THATS WHY HE WANTED MY NUMBER!!! HE WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SLOW AND FUCKING DUMB???!!!” he never pressured me to meet his parents (although at 14/15 it was very obvious that that was a standard practice since we couldn’t drive ourselves anywhere lmao). we were basically on equal footing, except for my slowness with cottoning onto him asking me out and why he asked for my number lol.

CBB had never pressured and harassed me about my virginity. he had NEVER harassed me with porn, most especially while at school, unlike mr creeper who LOVED pulling out his porn filled phone and school laptop to show me his overly violent, degrading and aggressive porn. CBB’s flirting method was showing me norwegian black metal bands (or normal metal bands like parkway drive) and making me watch repeats of family guy on his ipod at lunch bc he loved family guy. he never brought up the term “girlfriend material” ever. he treated me like an actual person. and not his own personal fuck doll, that had holes that were conveniently for sticking his useless and clueless ass teenage dick in, again unlike creeper who was hellbent on wanting to act out his favourite violent etc porn on me to let him “take your virginity in a wonderful weekend of sex down the coast and you have to do all things that I LIKE BC THAT’S THAT AND I SAID SO!!!” 🤮🤮. although if i had progressed further than those few weeks with cbb, and my constant *karen from mean girls voice* *fake cough, fake cough* i’m sick *regina george voice* boo, you whore!” act every time i didn’t turn up on date that he’d asked me on…. maybe he could’ve treated me like that. but i’ll never know lol.

so cbb was unlike mr stalker; who was obsessed with my supposed “girlfriend material” status. mr stalker was obsessed with the fact that i had the ability and audacity to basically tell him “no”, by coyly letting him down with “my dad says i can’t date bc it distracts me from school and getting good marks 🙄😑” (which probably wasn’t true, looking back lmao)….. where he then whined PUBLICLY on facebook about it, with a status like “today sucks”… and then naming and shaming me in the comments when someone asked in the post comments what was wrong like: “*insert my name here* said no! she’s being a bitch!”. that at the time, made me roll my eyes and still does today when i think about it. because bro. i had literally only known you for two fucking days at that point. of course i’m going to say no. what the hell??? two days is nowhere near enough time to know a person well enough (although the conversation we had together on misguided trip to his house one day while we were wagging (skipping class/playing hooky for americans) aboriginal studies told me MORE THAN ENOUGH about his piece of shitness tbh) to “date” them imo.

because to me, the title “girlfriend material” doesn’t mean any fucking thing. but when it comes from a creep like mr stalker; it means “you’ll be my girlfriend forever and have my kids bc you’re such a nice girl and you’ll fix me bc that’s what nice girls like you do; bc you’re SO LOYAL AND NICE!” which i also saw as a MASSIVE RED FLAG back then, because we were literally 16yo kids (he literally told me this when we were on his bed in his bedroom in the aforementioned misguided trip to his house). and i also saw it as a red flag bc…. just because i’m “loyal” and “nice” doesn’t mean that i’ll spend LITERAL Y E A R S trying to “fix you” while you fuck around and never bother to change your behaviour all bc you think it’s “girly” to do just that. it definitely DOES NOT MEAN that i’ll have KIDS with you, what the actual fuck. like i’m a hopeless romantic, to an extent, mr creeper. but not to the extent where i’ll give myself up to someone like you, all because i’m “nice and caring” and it’s apparently what “nice girls do!!!” or whatever else fucked up guilt trip views you’ve got on why girls/women supposedly have to waste their time with and on you.

and also, on another front. CBB never FOLLOWED me home (considering he lived in a suburb 20mins away from mine lmao and we both lived at least 15mins away from the catholic school we attended) despite me telling him REPEATEDLY to “fuck off and walk home your way”….. whereas unfortunately, mr creeper lived just over the other side of my suburb.

so one day mr creeper decided to stalk me home (despite me saying the above “fuck off and walk home your way” comment constantly to him in the 10min walk home). and then when we got to my street and in front of my house he decided to joke that “oh now i know where your house and bedroom are, i’ll come to hide under your bed naked one day!!!! and when you get home (bc i’ll obvs do it when you’re out doing something), you’ll just have to FUCK ME because you’ll be so surprised that im there and ready to fuck you!” as if i’d be so overcome with supposed lust & love for him, after knowing that he’d broken into my room against my will and messed with my shit….. all for some cutesy love prank…. like in, idk, love actually (???) or himym (specifically the “naked man!” episode from season 4) or some other shitty romcom. bc no. you’re overstepping SO MANY fucking boundaries that i’d literally call the police on your stupid fucking stalker ass. what the actual fuck.

finally, cbb never forced me to try to kiss him, unlike mr stalker…. who whenever he got the chance, he’d grab my head and force me to kiss him…. and then gave me back the utterly disgusting & controlling GALL to tell me that i was “kissing wrong” and whinge/bitch that i “wasn’t into it”. and then he’d force me to kiss him again with a “im so sorry does this fix it 🥰🥺???” like NO???!!! forcefully kissing me DOES NOT FUCKING FIX ANYTHING YOU STUPID CUNT! please just get the FUCK away from me. like if you force me into anything, of course i’m not going to enthusiastically enjoy it??? and moreover, don’t you think it’s YOU who is “kissing wrong” (whatever the FUCK that bullshit actually means) and not me???? why do you think GRABBING MY HEAD and FORCING me to kiss you is appropriate in ANY of these situations????

just. to end this. to anyone and everyone, regardless of their gender/sexuality/age etc. NEVER trust anyone who uses the term “girlfriend material”/“boyfriend material”, to describe you, most especially when you’ve JUST MET them.

they’re using it as a means to control you and possibly trap you into an unhealthy (or potentially abusive) relationship like i would’ve had with my stalker/creeper. but most especially, this goes out to my younger followers, if i have any. be aware of this. watch out for the small red flags and run at the earliest time.

[thebowcollector]

hey tumblr, long time no see

I'll probs put a post up as a lil summary for this year in dec just as a log for myself but for now, i wanna talk about a new game ive played!

its called ikenfell and most of it will be under the cut cos spoilers. all you need to know is if youre looking for a good magic mystery rpg that may or may not take a dark turn, this game is for you. 

many people have been comparing it to be hogwarts but without the influence of a terf and theyre right! the ikenfell world is filled to the brim with magic, spells, and alchemy. the story bases on a girl whose sister went missing in the magical school, ikenfell, and decides to look for her there. 

i loved how as the story progresses, it gets more muddled and tangled with the school’s history and how magic works in this world. even in this short game, youre introduced to deities of the world that unravels the origin of magic and its system so youre provided with enough context. 

the environments are also so beautiful and charming in the game. i particularly liked the twilight forest and astronomy tower because of its twinkling lights and the fireflies that follow you around!! so gorgeous. other dungeons were also superb in setting the mood for the story, when paired with the music. this was especially so in the stacks. 

the puzzles you get through are so interesting and satisfying once you solve them! each dungeon has different puzzle types, but none too difficult. they also lend a hand in building up the mystery aspect of the game. most of the puzzles were also designed to fit into the different context of the dungeons and acts as a tool for storytelling, really well thought out! 

fight sequences are also so interesting!! the enemies are creative and have attacks that reflect what they are. the battle mechanic is also refreshing as its not only a time-based fight but also a strategy-based one. each of your attacks are not mana caped but planning out your moves play an important role in determining if you’ll win or lose. 

and the music! oh, the music was so charming! as it was done by the same team that did steven universe, you can expect similar chiptune meets piano style of scores. but it still distinct from the show, so it doesnt feel like it was an extension of it. and theres singing and really good lyrics!! 

a big selling point of the game though, i think are the characters. they all have such great character development throughout the story. they each have issues and problem they must deal with. topics like self confidence, isolation, relationships with others, and even ptsd are explored carefully and respectfully. the amount of effort put into presenting a healthy way others can react to those topics are superb. i think the most outstanding one was when maritte approached perty as she was experiencing symptoms of the ptsd. although maritte went against perty’s will so that she could pull her to safety, she went back to apologize to perty. respecting one’s boundaries is important, no matter the circumstances and im so glad this game addressed it. 

another aspect of the characters i need to talk about is how none of them are straight. in the main cast of playable characters, half of them are non binary and the rest are either gay or bi and i am living for it. and its all so natural when its indicated that character is gay or nb, they didnt make a big fuss by saying things like, btw, xx is gay or xx uses they/them or ze/zir. it all shown in how each character react when they meet each other and im in love. another thing the game handled really well was when someone misgendered a character. rook just straight up corrected her “excuse you, im non binary.” the game said that we shouldnt be apologetic when someone misgenders us because its how we identify ourselves, its who we are. finally, ive always identified with petronella as they is nb and shy. but something maritte said about them in the epilogue that completely broke me was “you dont do relationships, right?” i havent come across any media that has an aromantic character and i was just so overcome with joy i burst into tears. there are ace rep, but aromantic? oh boy. 

this game is so filled with love and creativity and charm. did i mention that you can pet all the cats? yea. 

[sworntoprotect]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat. Long post!

MUN NAME: Pie     AGE: +25       CONTACT: IM, Ask, Discord (mutuals only, by request)

CHARACTER(S): Cullen

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Dragon Age

FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have a modern verse for everything not Dragon Age, but I might add some actual alt verses for other fandoms

MY LANGUAGE(S): English (native), Spanish (intermediate), Korean (baby lol beginner), bits and bobs of other languages (namely French and French Patois)

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / SCIENCE FICTION / HORROR / WESTERN / ROMANCE / THRILLER / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / EROTIC / CRIME / MYTHOLOGY / CLASSIC / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / ANCIENT / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / SPORT / MUSIC / SCIENCE / FIGHTS / ANGST / SMUT / DRAMA / ETC. (I started this and realised I’d be bolding almost everything, so: EVERYTHING)

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: ONE-LINER / 1 PARA / 2 PARA / 3+ PARA / NOVELLA. / ALL

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?: YES / NO / OCCASIONALLY   - only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / CASUAL / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. / ALL

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO.

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. (after my paper is submitted, yeah sure)

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. (irl makes coping difficult sometimes)

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ WEEKS / MONTHS / YEARS. / DEPENDS ON MOOD AND INSPIRATION, AND IF I’M BUSY 

I’M OKAY INTERACTING WITH: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / A RELATIVE OF MY CHARACTER (AN OC) / DUPLICATES / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / SELF-INSERTS / PEOPLE WITH NO AU VERSE FOR MY FANDOM / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (I strive for more IC over OOC, but my queue does a lot of work too)

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING:  Talk with me over IM, asks, or Disco. I’m down for almost anything as long as I see it’s feasible.

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  Transparency. If you have an idea, let me know! If you’re stuck, let me know! If you want to start something new or scrap something or whatever...LET ME KNOW! I promise I don’t bite and I understand.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  I’m not very good with coming up with plots myself, so I’m typically the weak link when it comes to that. Sorry! But you bet I’ll pull up a plot generator and start throwing things down to see what sticks haha.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  I’m all about equal opportunity, so I try not to leave the plotting work to my partner. Let’s negotiate and find something that makes both of us happy. That’s the point after all.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - AND WHY?: If you want to drop a thread, I’m completely fine with it. I want to know so that I don’t end up replying to something you have no interest in anymore. Saves both of us the time.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?:  If drafts eat it (as they are wont to do these days) or if I feel it has reached a natural conclusion. I rarely, if ever, drop a thread in the middle. I’ll just let you know I’m going to finish it on my side and allow you a chance to finish on yours if you’d like.

WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO. - AND WHY?: You don’t need to chat with me every minute of every day, but I like knowing the people I’m writing with. Discerning your personality and your approach to your muse gives me a much stronger understanding of how to write with you, and what vibes between us. Plus, it’s easier to remember different people’s boundaries if I talk with them a lot, too.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: I am all for constructive criticism. Even if you think it’s nitpicky, it’s going to be a great help. Good crit allows us grow as writers and as people in general. However, I am not for baseless accusations, childish name-calling, or outright insults under the name of “constructive crit”. Remember the “constructive” part: we need to build each other up. 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: I love a good story. While I don’t agree with everything Cullen does (and no one should, for anyone real or imagined), his story is intriguing. He’s a deeply flawed, deeply broken man. I love to take on a character, toss them in every situation I can think of, and watch them evolve and grow.

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  A real redemption arc, for one. A realistic struggle with substance abuse and recovery. A future of happiness.

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   Rape or sexual assault, unless being spoken about as a past event (as I truly believe that Cullen was sexually assaulted at Kinloch along with the other psychological and physical torture he endured). In-game racism is baked in, unfortunately, but it’s not something I seek out to roleplay as a PoC myself. Finally, while I play Cullen as canon-straight, I will not play out homophobia and most definitely not transphobia. If he rejects your muse for hitting on him, it’s not because he’s being homophobic: he’s just not interested. That also doesn’t mean he’ll never be interested; people can and do change, and I ship chemistry overall. He doesn’t hate your muse for their gender, orientation, or sexual preferences. I feel like I really have to spell this out for people who don’t understand. If you feel personally insulted by this somehow, feel free to address me directly, off anon. It’s probably an issue of fuzzy wording that I’m 500% willing to fix and talk about.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: I love starters that set the scene and provide plenty to work with, be it in terms of interacting with the environment or with the other person. If your muse shows immediate disinterest in communicating (and I don’t mean argumentative, which is perfectly fine), I am not going to respond. I might politely ask for more if I feel like it’s a salvageable interaction.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  Stoic soldier types, bubbly short girls, and semi-mad scientists.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  Characters that come across as Mary-Sue / Gary-Stu types. No flaws and barely any room to grow. 

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I'm very easy-going and I have an unearthly level of tolerance for almost everything. I try to provide partners with as much to work with as possible IC, and will pretty much support your very existence OOC. I believe in open communication so you’ll know what’s going on with me and/or our threads. Also, I typically reply within a week or two. Currently I’m tethered to finishing a big paper so I’m not a good example of that right now.

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I can get overwhelmed by too much which slows my pace down considerably. I’m also a bit distant and do shut down on occasion; that’s usually no fault of my partners, though. Just my brain being a dick.

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. (the closer we are OOC, the easier getting here will be)

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (it’s not going to be XXX but it will be descriptive)

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN, FADE TO BLACK?: YES / NO.

WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: I prefer to write smut for character development and to mark a progression in a relationship. Plus Cullen is not a “one and done” guy so getting to the smut stage will take a bit of build-up.

ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  Hmmm things that he personally wouldn’t go for I guess? Honestly I don’t know. And obviously, no rape/animal abuse/predator nonsense.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO Ships are a great way to further explore a character and their motivations. People do not exist in pure isolation, so I don’t believe characters should, either.

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. I bolded both because the focus of the blog isn’t ships, but this thirst trap guy is really easy to ship with other people I tell ya hwat. I am severely picky with romantic ships for Reasons, but I don’t eschew any other types of ships. I encourage them!

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / SINGLE-SHIP / DUAL-SHIP  —  MULTIVERSE / SINGLEVERSE.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: Characters who challenge Cullen into revising his point of view and force him to be a better person. Also, characters who understand his past and they are in no ways obligated to forgive it, but do recognise that he’s struggling very hard to mend whatever mistakes he can and is willing to pay the price for his decisions.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  - Be a good salesperson and I might buy it.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: Cullen is a massive stick in the mud, which means it’s incredibly easy to taunt him and get him flustered all at the same time. He’s loyal, he’s intelligent, and he’s largely self-aware. He likes swords and using them. Anything your character hates about him, he most likely hates about himself 100 times more.

WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  Those from the start that show absolutely no interest in speaking with/interacting with him. Mun and muse are going to struggle to stick around. I’m not going to fight for attention and neither is he.

WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, WHAT IS THEIR GOAL?:  Redemption. He wants to be a better person and make up for the past as much as he can.

WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  He can sniff out a fellow Templar a mile away (or several miles, in the case of Samson). 

WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  Honesty, a strong will, devotion (not necessarily to the Maker or the Chantry, but to a just cause that focuses on protecting others).

WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  War stuff, chess, books, trebuchets, dogs.

WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  Lectures about anything. He did his time in Azkaban in the Circles. No more. Please no more.

DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  His parents died trying to escape the Blight, he was tortured for weeks/months on end by blood mages, almost all of his friends died because of it, he was manipulated and brainwashed by his superior, he was forced into a near-debilitating substance addiction by his workplace... yeah just a few things.

WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  Darkspawn and abominations. 

IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  Darkspawn and abominations. Blood mages on principle. Regular mages (but he’s working hard to remedy this extremely bad and prejudiced thinking). Himself.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO.    - BEST WAY TO APPROACH THEM?:  Just be polite and he won’t turn you away. He’s guarded, yes, but not impossible to talk to.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: You’ll find out by writing together! ;D

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

tagged by: pirated tagging: anyone who actually read this

[yestermen]

New Year, Same Guys

I want to start this post off by saying, yes I know its been a while, but you get busy and you think luck is turning around and that maybe you’ll have a different topic to write about, but then new developments occur and we are back to where we were. Confused, Sad and Single.

This story starts about a year ago when I met this guy who we will call William, or Will. Will and I quickly became friends as we were in a few of the same classes and shared some similar friends, I was always a little interested in him, and I assumed he was also interested in me (we matched on tinder but this could’ve been a friendly match). Nonetheless he got into a long term relationship last year with a girl who kind of looked like me and we stayed friends and got closer.

This school year I got back and swore off men for the most part, it was never official but I was just generally uninterested in everyone and that makes everyone interested in you. By October I had about 4 guys talking to me, two that I was actually somewhat intrigued with; one being Will and one being (for sake of the story) Daniel. I continued talking to both of them but more often than not it was Daniel as he simply responded faster at the same times I was free to talk. 

Sure, I thought talking to multiple guys was messy but hey, isn't that what your twenties are for, being messy and dating around?

November comes around and Daniel comes to town and keeps insisting to meet up (I know him in person but he graduated and moved and so I was safe to just talk with no strings attached) I kept making excuses, some valid, such as my parents being in town, others were me saying I had a ton of work (when I was watching netflix and eating hummus) but either way, I never felt compelled to meet up with him which made me think- Did I actually like him or was I just talking to him for attention?

After a lot of contemplation I decided on the latter. Sure, I felt bad about leading him on and such when I truly had no interest, so I tried to distance myself, but then I came to the conclusion that I liked our conversations even as just friends (I never said I liked him nor did I ever say that we were just friends so woops). So being selfish, I kept talking to him, not as much as before, but just enough to get my satisfaction. After all, it is lovely to feel wanted. A couple weeks later, Daniel is back in town again, and pulling the same shenanigans but I say that I am just feeling being alone, which was complete honesty. That is when my friend texts me saying they are with my other friend and they need “sad gal hours”, aka when people come over, we put on music, drink, cry, talk and dance. So being a good friend, I invite them over.

One of my friends stays for 15 minutes when I text Will inviting him over, after all he’s friends with everyone and can bring more wine. He says sure and that’s when Bad Idea from Waitress would start playing if it were a film.

The three of us (My friend, Will and I) sit in my living room filling up glass after glass of wine just laughing and talking for hours- especially about hookups and relationships. The whole time, we have broken the touch boundary and so we are leaning on each other laughing, touching legs, etc. and my friend is sitting there with pure chaos surrounding them until they finally leave to go meet another hookup- by this point it is around 3am on a Sunday night (monday morning?).

The rest is history from that night, just picture how any rom com scenario would happen. Some highlights were that he helped me clean up the wine, in the morning he made my bed while I was showering and then we scrolled through the instagram the-hidden-biscuit (follow it, its good).

After that I kind of ghosted Daniel, as I felt as if I had made a choice. He was nothing but nice to me, but I was a bitch and he didn't deserve that, I still kind of regret it but hey, what am I gonna do?  

The next few weeks Will and I continued to hookup (one night in specific I got the worst hickeys of my life, Jesus, my neck was BLACK). So I was happy and saw it going somewhere and so, being a Libra, my mind took that as “YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM AND GOING TO BE WITH HIM FOREVER!! YOU HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, THIS IS GREAT!” maybe not to that extent but in theory, I had caught feelings. Which wouldn't be mad if he too wasn't moving away and also if winter break wasn't starting immediately following this. Now, by this point I know it had gotten out that we were doin this thing, because one of his gal friends (we’ll call her Janice) came up to me during a party to express how she thought it was cute (more on this later).

That was what I needed to like set that my feelings were there, he had told his friends about me, so I couldn’t be “just a girl hes hooking up with” anymore, right?

WRONG.

So for the next few weeks we kept in contact (me thinking this could lead to something good) and I continued texting Janice to like see if he actually likes me (this seems normal and healthy right?). Anyway, she finally tells me that she respects us both too much to get in the middle of it, which kind of put me off but it wasn’t really her business anyway, I just like talking to people.

So, time goes by and it feels like hes distancing himself, texts are getting less responsive, as are snapchats and everything in between.

So on the fateful night of New Years Eve, I have been depressed all day, I drink a little too much champagne and I start talking to one of my best friends Leah. I keep saying I should send a text admitting how I feel and blah blah blah, she roots me on and all of a sudden its 1am and I send the text, immediately freak out and go to bed.

In the morning, no response yet, then I get one in the afternoon. I had a bad feeling about it and so I decide not to read it (I still haven't opened it so don’t ask me what it said, I don’t know). Rightfully so, we don’t snap each other or text for a while after that (we still haven’t texted) and so I decide to send a mass snap and include him in it. I GET A RESPONSE! that’s a good thing right? it means he doesn’t think i’m weird right?

We continue to snap, not as much as before but I still refuse to look at the text so nothing else can progress.

I get back up to school and plan to see Janice, as we are now friends and I want to hang out with her, she comes over and we watch A Cinderella Story, the one with Hillary Duff, and do face masks. The movie ends and I suggest we go eat hummus (my favorite snack) and she agrees but says that we need to talk first.

I immediately know what about and my stomach becomes a knot and sinks at the same time. “So, over break Will and I started talking as more than friends... I just want to let you know, I know that you guys talked and I wanted to go to you and make sure you’re okay with it.” WELL NO OF COURSE I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT, NO WE DIDN'T TALK, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THOUGH?

So I swallow my sadness and tell Janice that “of course im okay with it” and then she continues about how much she respects and loves me and how im a “goddess” and “so hot” and “perfect” and etc. As fake people do, especially when they hurt you.

So after that I got a snap from him that I have refused to open, and she stayed at my apartment for the rest of the day because she obviously didn't get the cue that you leave someone alone after saying something like that.

But just like that, again a man has been taken from my life. I knew that it probably wouldnt last, and I always felt threatened by her. But as a person I was raised to not feel threatened by other women and to not date your friends crushes, no matter how much you want to. But obviously she didn’t learn that.

Now i’m back to square one, learning to love myself and others again.

To do this, Ive surrounded myself constantly with people I love (mostly friends), Ive been doing a lot of face masks, ive been baking a lot of sweets, watching a lot of movies, and taking on way more work than one person has time to do. Keeping myself busy is the best way to grow, and self growth leads to self love.

But yeah, its going to be a while until I go back to men I think, I have to rebuild myself after being torn down, and im going to try this time, to separate toxic people. Maybe i’ll do some traveling too.

Here’s to 2019- the year im dating myself.

[vowenowe-stream]

05/02/17

A horrifying level of depravity not seen since the stone ages where the king and the seed and the not seed and what is out of plumbing and system and goes and crate cries seem seam is it sees what sees isn’t sees it’s is i’t is sees to what came out of the river and the bridge and at the sky and the van and the rocky ground and the leafy green grove and what was out of the sky and at the cliff and at the place where the collision of the planet of Jupiter and Mars came about from a gravitational keyhole and assumed what was happening to the planets was a good and healthy and wholesome thing when in reality the horrible corrupted form of was thing to be at the thing and implement and prevent gibberish and make sense and sit on a bench outside the store with a floppy hat and sit during the inclement overcast weather and comfort during the tornado and go to the highway and see a lizard and go to the skype and wonder if there is someone outside the window and fall apart then glue an egg into an egg and kill an egg and eat an egg and verb an egg and see an egg and funny egg was was was was was repetition and was and was and was and was and was and what it’s easier to think and an automatic recourse into a loop to decrease the stress and it’s too idiomatic to describe the process because what you really want is abstract form writing and something to read that you don’t remember creating and no judgment but still impeded by judgment you think something in the text is going to click with them as something that is forbidden to speak of by social rules created by their own collective insecurities which they have successfully made you a slave to but not anymore and now I am going to go across the field to the dorms and open the Slavic closet the dusty the good smell the educational chalkboard ancient diomacemus incorrect dinosaur the place where there is nothing to be afraid of the progress the thing I’ve never been interested in it’s an achievement unlocked in real life but you’re a farmer who doesn’t need these things you till the Earth and you listen to heavy metal and you live in a van and live in a winnebago and have a dry cracked landscape life of Korn and subsisting off of whatever you can find and it’s all you can strive for in a formal context the pursuing of the master’s degree and getting what you want forever and if your no and what you want forever to find the earthiest soil the timmiest the jomeiest wassn the fffffffffffffffffffffffff the fuff the feff the saif the wadn’t coil corroyle the silliminin the tm tmmn simon sisen terrimynian kiimian the kel sell sell kell kell sell sell kell kell sell and what it did does do is what it did does do come on now try to make sense try to open up and dig instead of idle game it’s not like a real introspective thing so don’t try to paint it as no it’s okay to have anything anything at all so look at the bouncing gif and don’t be distracted and try to eliminate the filter but it’s too late didn’t you already almost say something dangerous try to close your eyes now your eyes are closed I know you can type with your eyes closed let’s hope your fingers don’t go out of alignment and turn this into gibberish because you certainly won’t remember it maybe you could go through and type each key to the left or right to try to decypher it open them now and you typed it all right but you’re scared of corrupting all the text so you can’t close your eyes again and escape the subconscious influence of the TV but at least it’s like you’re rambling into a microphone and allowed to do it with people in the house because you’ve almost disintegrated that filter of having to apply dexterity to get it from your brain and out of your fingers because it’s easier with the mouth and with the fingers there can be typos but you’re focusing on removing that barrier but again you’re talking about the process instead of trying to paint some kind of picture because you are afraid of what the picture could incorporate because you have secrets you have at least one secret or two secrets or three secrets maybe they don’t all come to mind right now but there is at least a couple and you’re not going to risk portraying them even though you portrayed one today but that wasn’t stream of consciousness it was carefully done so it was okay but you don’t ever want to get drunk because you’re you don’t ever want to get too drunk because you’re afraid of what you’ll say what if something brings to mind and you don’t have a say in letting it come out anymore maybe it’s not even a big deal but it’s so disgusting it’s so disgusting it’s so disgusting it’s so disgusting this is all you can say you had to loop because you wanted to say something i guess but it had to be only one thing as vague as it because of it and what are you talking about time to move on hey the dark van the scary demon the running jogger with the light what a liminal space that pitch black tree silhouette you couldn’t capture on the camera until you all drove away to your apartment and you got a terrible rest and it was the final day and you incurred a 207 dollar debt and you went to the dentist and bought burgers and energy drinks and at some point you were at that one park in a paradise it was an Elysium situation you couldn’t have noticed in the moment but it was and you can be given that again i don’t know how much you’re supposed to be given how much can you be given how much can you be given could you be given more than is right for you is there anything wrong with receiving gifts conservatism liberalism i want gifts i want to receive gifts but how are gifts any different from sex how is food any different from sex i don’t want to this to want to and do to want this do to what want that thut whut what wat tut taaahhh thhhaaaaah thah thuh the park the little dog the leaf the spiky ball seed pod tree chop a water bottle in half the highly pressurized faucet spigot tap the slide i tried to climb up embarrassing and i had a dream last night where i tried to climb up a slide and i just keep typing i could do it all night and leave someone with a giant journal to have to read but at the park i hang onto the beam over the swings and it makes me feel male and spag puts on the hat and i throw the bottles and some strangers yell i think they thought i was littering i thought we were gonna go in the museum i kind of wanted to i would’ve paid for admission but it was amazing there anyway we got the water and the food no not food just water and the food maybe and putting flowers on little dog i think there’s stuff i still haven’t remembered all that matters is having it all to digest and every single thing we did is cherished to me every thing we can possibly do establishes itself as a memory to love i love the convenience store now and the specific roads we drove down those are the memories you can do anything aid it will be good it will be what happened and i’ve created memories before like the scarf walk but i feel like i am forgetting how to or something i keep lacking motivation even though i know how good it is and how i don’t even know what i’m missing out on just by going to under the overpass and sitting there with Swans and losing a scarf and listening to Hunky Dory and recording rain and going somewhere and sitting but where do i sit and for how long there’s too many places the duck pond during the first visit i think the duck pond was silently established as a crush confession location but nobody could and then it became the park and nothing but importants still happened and the rain tunnel and some day i think im gonna visit the original rain tunnel thatll be cool i’ll actually go across the country with them i’ll break all the boundaries and i’ll be with them and that;s cool they’re gonna take me further than i’ve ever gone before physically across the country if we ever go to new york i am sitting on a couch my dad got up and touched something the table or something and it made me aware of the noise typing makes and shocked me back into shoutign while pouring a gatorade bottle as if it’s peeing and a man giving a concerned look the kid dude named shaun or shawn saying corn and uhhhh pendulum hold your colour the guy whose name i forgot

Going to corn soybean update just type TV kansas soybean commission the soybean checkoff fadeout lady microphone no I don’t want to live tv transcribe stressful I don’t feel like it anymore a pressure in my chest or heat and bouncing leg still typing okay could stop at any time but I don’t want it to be an amusingly short paragraph just by thinking I will make it longer and make it more in line with the established format uhh but they don’t even find the line break significant okay the TV and the antenna on top don’t just describe surroundings I wanted to type like abstract narrative or something okay a king and a queen and a robot and a chair and a computer and a potted plant and a cup and a gnome ok the gnome is actually in the room but it fits with the fantasy setting but hey wahts that robot doing there i thought it was an ancient kingdom lol what the heck ok calm down it’s just three stream of consciousness concepts well it’s not like the sarcasm was that serious either well ok i like the lake outside still on describing surroundings it was just the other side of peripheral vision i can’t do this i cannot come up with something like the start thing if it wasn’t bad i don’t know guh doo duh guh doo duh goo guh doo duh I don’t want to type anymore and it will keep deteriorating if I keep typing one time in carthage i was on the swingset and spent like an hour talking to myself saying the “longest sentence in the world” it was this endless self-referential run-on sentence I kept saying and saying to nobody for an hour just on a swingset I wonder if anyone heard me and what they thought uhhhhh Pepsi tupperware gushers phone book I am tired maybe I should sleep it’s 5:12 AM I don’t want to be nocturnal fuck I hope I don’t go more out of sync or maybe I will be less out of sync uhhhhh I am excited for the May meet I think it will keep getting better I think we will have an even longer meet cause it wont start in a more expensive hotel maybe it’s not anything anymore it’s just a blog post oh what are you saying it was something before did you just say something presumptuous did you just grant yourself literally anything you don’t get any notes now which isn’t a bellwether of you doing anything right or wrong except it is because

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[fuckthisblog]

2.27.18 5:06 am

Eating brownie batter and reading the bell jar.

Wondering if any of it was even real to you.

It certainly isn’t now.

You’ve detached. Oh well.

I, for the first time in almost a year, am making progress towards getting the fuck over all this.

—————

I think today is the anniversary of Sams suicide. But I don’t want to check. I mourn her constantly. I don’t want to think about the actual day. And remember every painful moment of it. But I do. I just don’t want to dedicate a day to it.

I think she’d understand.

—————-

I got a 99/100 on my first big AP exam.

200 questions, 4 hours

And I got a fucking

99.

Proud of myself. I embraced the agency I have and powered through studying my ass off, even with the difficult bullshit being thrown my way.

A 99.

Yay.

———————-

I finally met a boy named Ty who I’ve known for 5/6 years, but had never met in person. I have no idea why, but even when I stopped answering for long periods of time and pushed me him away, he stuck around. And not in a creepy way like he was disregarding my boundaries. In a sweet way where he seemed to genuinely care about my well being because we bonded so much off the bat.

Truthfully all those years I hated myself. Didn’t understand what he saw in me. Didn’t want to ruin someone who seemed so kind. Didn’t want to expose them to the mess that is me.

But randomly, at 3 am this weekend, he messaged me to say he hoped I had a good day, because.. he just did. He knows all about my broken brain and past trauma and sex work and he likes me still. I opened up to him a few days before about not doing well. So he kept checking in, even when I all he got was silence from me.

I don’t know what compelled me, but I asked him what his plans were. At 3 am. I make myself laugh with my actions sometimes. But he was free, and doesn’t work weekends.

So I told him to come over.

And the next 24 hours were some of the best I’ve ever had.

He kissed my scars. Ones that I hate myself for because they were made says before. I had apologies for them and mentioned it was not a constant thing and hadn’t happened in so long. He simply took my hand and kissed me up my arm. In the most genuine way.

He’s a social worker. He helps children leave abusive homes and works to get them a safe place and proper care/treatment.

He is genuinely one of the kindest human beings I’ve ever met.

Our kissing was electric. It shot down my spine and back up and I swear it hit my heart. Something strange happened and I feel changed. I think it was his kindness.

Our sex was so, natural, so in tune with one another. So fucking amazing. His sweetness turned to a light dominance that felt fueled by his protective nature. It was perfect. I didn’t want the intense pain that I crave with meaningless sex.

We fell asleep tangled up in other.

We spent the whole next day together.

We didn’t watch anything, we didn’t have a planned activity. We simply were together, and the flow was so natural time slipped away completely.

I don’t quite know what to say except I have an amazing feeling about this man. I feel that this may turn into something wonderful. I want it to, I think. And that alone is amazing. Even if it doesn’t, even if it ended right this second, I’d still love it. Something in me has changed. And it has changed beautifully. I’m not quite sure what. Having this sweet, genuine, intelligent, all around amazing person touching me and caring for me and telling me im all those things and more but he knows I just don’t see it and wants to make sure I know. Something about him- I believed him. I never believe people. I act like my guard is down so nobody ever sees how high it is. But with him the walls didn’t just fall, it was like they never existed. I felt self love. It was fleeting but it was there.

I hope this becomes something. I truly don’t think I’ve ever wanted that. But even if nothing happens, goddamit I’m grateful he didn’t give up on me.

———

Connor was weird and kind of cruel. “No romantic feelings” “im just a slut when I’m drunk” “wait.. you don’t think were like getting back together do you??” “Yeah you’re pretty smart it’s just that I work with geniuses now so my perception is kind of skewed”

Out of nowhere. Why? No idea. I’m trying to learn to not analyze. Because I believe people are genuinely good inside and I’ll always land there. The belief that at their core, they’re mostly good. But now I’m trying to just look at actions. Trying to be blind to everything but what is actually bappening and how it makes me feel. And I felt it. And for the first time in so long it didn’t turn into sadness and self loathing. It turned into rage. A seething river of anger in my veins. A brand new thought in my head - how fucking dare you. I’ve never thought enough of myself to have that thought. And then another that sliced me at my core. How long have I known these things? Why did I get to the point where the actual words left his lips? Self harm is more than a blade. It’s been almost a year of this cruelty towards myself.

All because I’m terrified of letting go.

Not just him.

But everything.

I cling to things because of childhood trauma.

I stayed stagnant for far too long because the agency of action terrified me.

But I’m done I think.

I don’t expect myself to go cold turkey.

But he said those things and I felt something switch off. I felt disgusted by him.

And then I met Ty and realized how low my bar has been.

———-

The agency. Seizing control over the controllable factors of life. Steering myself in the right direction. Self love. Enough self love to power through trauma and continue on my path because I had my sights set on a goal. It’s all so new to me.

I got a 99.

On a four hour exam.

With 200 questions.

That sums it up for me better than all these other words.

———

Fin.

[lorrainecparker]

Filmmaker Friday featuring Filmmaker Matt Alonzo

With hundreds of careers and opportunities, the filmmaking industry can be a unique experience for a filmmaker. Filmtools decided to take a deeper look into the world of a Filmmaker. This week, we had the opportunity to speak to Filmmaker Matt Alonzo about his work. This is what he said:

What inspires you?

Matt Alonzo: Inspiration is everywhere, it surrounds us, it’s truly a beautiful thing.  Overall, my inspiration is my family and future family. My parents were 16-17 years old when I was born and the work ethic I saw growing up instilled a non stop passion to grow and push my boundaries. They’re my heroes and while our career paths may be different, I still try to emulate them in every way I can. So even when I don’t feel like creating, I think of them and get right back to it.

That being said, family is important and something I look forward to having one day. That also fuels my fire so when the time comes I’ve done all I needed to by myself and also put myself in a position to provide.

Now, day to day inspiration normally comes in the middle of the night or early morning when I can’t sleep. It just comes – BOOM- sometimes I practically edit or write entire pieces in my mind. It comes so fast. Those are some of my favorite moments.   As a writer, director and editor I find myself spending countless hours at the computer so any time away from the screen also helps to breathe fresh air, ideas and creativity. 

What is your role on set?

Matt Alonzo: Now, day to day inspiration normally comes in the middle of I am the Director. I have been directing for 10 years now (professionally ha-ha) and I haven’t really been on set as any other position in a long while.

On set my role is to guide the artistic, technical and dramatic vision of the piece forward. I work closely with the Producer, Director of Photography and the Talent communicates my vision, but the way I look at it, every piece is a collaboration and team effort.

Lately I have been operating the camera as well, not a control freak thing ha, just being an editor too, I know EXACTLY what I want. Most of the time I see the cuts in my mind.

 What’s the first thing you do when you get to set?

Matt Alonzo: Introduce myself to ALL of the crew and mess around with the guys. I like to create a loose environment. It’s game day but not no fun day. I played sports all my life and I firmly believe in the strength of camaraderie. Especially when it’s the final shot 18hrs in! Overall I am here to make wonderful art but at the same time I’ve learned to enjoy myself and all that surrounds me.

 What’s the coolest project you’ve worked on before?

Matt Alonzo: COOLEST? Hmm Probably shooting in IRAQ with Xzibit. That was something I will never forget. We spent 3 weeks with visiting the troops. Flew in Blackhawks, Military Cargo aircrafts, stayed at Saddam’s Palace and had the chance to hang out with the men and women who serve and protect our country. I shot a music video and a documentary while I was there. No crew, no lights, just 5D and one extra lens. Just like good ol’ days.

COOLEST 1B – Hopsin music video. He starts off as a head and over the video we mechanically attach his torso and limbs. I really learned a lot during that project. I just nerd out sometimes and think it’s cool.

https://www.provideocoalition.com/app/uploads/BTS8.m4v

   What are you currently working on?

Matt Alonzo: Narratives and Ads. Of course a few music videos as well. Can’t speak much on things yet but all is coming soon. I am super excited!

 Your favorite piece of film gear is? 

 Matt Alonzo: Now you may not like this idea but I have to personally say the mind. Starting off in this industry I didn’t have a lot of gear or access to it. I had to replicate what I saw in creative and innovative ways. Yes it would be nice to have this or that but more and more I hear “I would be so much better if I had that gear or camera,etc” and that is the furthest thing from the truth.

I had a one chip mini dv camera when I graduated film school. Everyone had 24p GL2’s etc. etc. I filmed a Lil Wayne concert, edited it in one night with split screens, films overalls and all these things NOBODY was doing ten years ago and BOOM a million views over night (back then it was huge!) Two months later shooting real music videos for Interscope. Even today I find myself with budget restrains and still have to find ways to make things work. I think that is the best part-at least in hindsight probably not during production haha! It’s not about the gear it’s about how you use it.

  What advice would you give to people interested in this industry?

Matt Alonzo: Let your inspiration guide you and don’t let everyday problems stop your progress. Never act on how you feel but on what you have or need to do to achieve your goal. I had a nice salary job after graduating directing and editing videos  for a small record company. I had to wear a suit and tie everyday, I hated it. It killed my creativity. One day I just quit with nothing. Things got rough of course but my mind stayed focused on my goal. My inspiration and motivation created opportunities. I filmed the opening act of a concert… Lil Wayne was the headliner… You never know what is around the corner. Take a chance and do something great!

What is your greatest accomplishment in the film industry?

Matt Alonzo: Honestly, giving advice and helping the younger generation. At least those who ask and listen. I never had a mentor in the film industry so I like to lend a hand, ear or eye whenever I can. It inspires them just as much as it does me.

Professionally, I can’t say Im there yet, I have created some amazing pieces with amazingly talented people but I don’t feel I have “arrived” yet. My goal was always features so I am hoping once I add one of those to my belt I can chalk that up as my greatest accomplishment.

 Is it harder to get started or to keep on going? What was the particular thing that you had to conquer to do either?

 Matt Alonzo: I think get started, once you get a glimpse of your life vision, it’s much easier to continue pursing even against all odds. Once I signed with ICM as a feature film director and when to meetings, put together pitches, etc I knew I was where I belonged. All doubt faded. You must conquer your mind – your emotions.

 Getting started now is extremely tough. The market is over populated. Everyone has a camera or Iphone and everyone is a film maker. My advice is find a mentor and ride it out with them. Be a PA or assistant. If you’re hungry and stay loyal they will open doors for you. It will also keep you moving forward and quite any doubts you may have in your mind.

 Where can people follow you on social?

 Matt Alonzo: Always been the same – @mattalonzo on all platforms.

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