#lil bit a therapy oops

[catboykilljoy97]

Do you ever sit and think about how much of the "destigmatization" around mental health is really more like sanitization? Have we broken our biases or separated ourselves from them? Do you ever get tired of the euphemism treadmill, changing our language and commending ourselves for our progressiveness, then watching the new language become an insult again because we never really grappled with where that stigma came from and how even the most well-intentioned of us has perpetuated it? do you ever want to bite someone with your sharpest set of metaphorical teeth

[huramuna]

growing on you - oneshot.

modern aemond x (ex) girlfriend reader

content: smut (specifics under the cut), afab reader, angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, descriptions of depression and its effect on the body, probably an unhealthy relationship, aemond being an idiot, probably ooc aemond, reader not described, no use of y/n, targtowers seek therapy: the story, fluff at the end bc hehe

work is 18+, minors do not interact or you shall be smited.

word count: 7.4k (oops)

a/n: i've had this one in the drafts for a while. tweaked to be a fun 'lil angsty end of year holiday fic. as is my motto: fuck it we ball. a/n 2: i pivoted from a third person pov fic to a second person pov fic 3/4 through writing this using the find and replace tool, so if there are grammar errors, i apologize! also my first time doing second person pov, weehee.

monsters - all time low ft. blackbear • why do i - set it off ft. hatsune miku

warnings: p in v, creampie, cockwarming, slightly tipsy sex

Everything in your life was enveloped by him. your clothes smelled like him, small strands of his hair were woven into every nook and cranny of your apartment together, his fitness regime protein powder and ketogenic supplements were littered in your kitchen cabinets. 

You couldn’t get rid of him, not even if you tried. Aemond was all you'd ever known— you have known one another since the age of seven, and have been in a relationship since fourteen. You were both now twenty-six. Twelve years you’ve been together romantically (longer, even, but you were both too stubborn to admit it) and nineteen years you’ve been in each other's lives in some capacity or another. 

You’ve been involved together longer than you’ve not known each other. You hardly knew who you were without Aemond— a thought that scared you deeply. 

It’s been two weeks since he moved out, only temporarily he’d said. He needed space. He would still pay his share of the rent and you didn’t need to worry about that. 

But what about everything else? What about him warming you at night? Comforting you when you had nightmares? What about his items in the fridge, surely you’d spoil if he didn’t use them soon. What about Vhagar? Their— no, his geriatric cat that he took with him to God knows where— she must be terrified, surely. 

Was he giving Vhagar her medicine before bed? Of course he was— he was the more responsible one anyway. 

You paced back and forth until the soles of your feet ached and then some. Knowing Aemond for so long, you had intimate knowledge on everything about him, you were woven into each other's DNA like vines on a trellis, growing and expanding until you swallowed all of the other plants whole. 

That is what happened, wasn’t it? You grew too large, too comfortable and became stagnant. You weren't unaware of his rising workload at his firm, but he had always been a workaholic— throughout their teenage years, through college and grad school. It never slowed him down so you didn’t understand the change in behavior. 

Aemond was closed off. He always was a bit emotionally stunted due to his upbringing or lack thereof from his father and everything that happened surrounding his eye, but he had a soft side for you, always for you. You could retrace every part of him perfectly from memory, always could make him laugh, could comfort him when he recused himself, and the rare times he did cry, you were there. 

But the last few months there was a shift— a change in him. Where he had been hard to open before, like a rusty hinge just requiring some oil, he was now padlocked, ironclad and impenetrable. Attempts to talk were shrugged off, ignored or diverted. 

“Please, just talk to me, Aemond,” you said one night as you sat on the couch. You were watching your collective favorite show and he wasn’t even commenting on it like he usually did, he was silent and deadpanned. “I don’t understand what’s wrong if you don’t talk about it.” 

“There's nothing wrong, therefore, nothing to talk about. I’m just tired from work,” he responded gruffly. “Stop whining.” 

His tone was clipped and harsh, sending a wave of hurt trickling through your body. you were overly emotional, where he was under emotional— usually, you balanced each other out and struck a good middle ground, but in times like these, during fights, things would get explosive. 

The tears started right away, your little sniffling cries stifled by a hand over your mouth. You turned away, wrapping yourself in the blanket. 

“Seriously?” he growled, “I didn’t even say anything and you’re fucking crying again.”

“I d-don’t appreciate your tone, Aemond— you’re being mean,” you sniffed, wiping away tears that were soon just replaced by new ones. “Please, don’t be mean to me.” you were always soft hearted, and it was one of the things Aemond loved about you— or he had loved at one point. 

“I’m not being mean,” he pinched his brow, “you’re overreacting and I do not have the capacity to deal with your antics anymore.” 

Of course, your mind hit the panic button. ‘Anymore’ meaning that he didn’t want to deal with you at all, ever. The tears increased and you recused yourself further into a ball. 

“Fucking hell.” he cursed, getting up from the couch and stomping outside to the balcony, lighting up a cigarette. He was out there for about an hour— you had cried yourself to sleep. 

It was many situations like that for weeks that finally just… broke him. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he said one day, slamming his keys down on the kitchen table, “I seriously cannot deal with your childish shit anymore— I’m working my ass off at the firm, actually bringing in money and I still have to come home and tend to you. you’re twenty-six, grow up and stop crying at every little thing. It’s fucking infuriating.” 

“You know I can’t control that part of me!” you screamed back, your temper rising immediately to match his. The words flowing out of your mouth didn’t feel like yours, but some sort of defensive mechanism. “You can’t do this anymore? You’re not doing anything Aemond, except pushing me away. God, you haven’t even touched me in weeks.” 

“Oh, so this is about sex?” he countered, getting closer to you, nostrils flaring. “You’re mad because I won’t fuck you? Are you that desperate?” 

That one stung, to be sure. Aemond had been your first and only— you only ever knew him, only ever had him. “No, not just sex,” you murmured, “you haven’t even… just touched me normally. No hugs, no little caresses, nothing— it's as if I’m an aversion to you.”

He backed up from you, “Maybe we’re just too close,” he admitted, “We’ve been together too long. It's not fun anymore, it’s not new— it’s the same old, same old, going through the motions for release, not because I actually like it.” 

“I don’t understand.” you said, your voice sounding disconnected from your body. The tips of your fingers felt numb, the numbness spreading through your body, your heart pounding in your chest as if it wanted to escape. 

“I need space. I need to think about this.” 

“This?”

“Us. I need to think about us and if this is something I really want,” he paused, “You’re… too much and not enough right now.” 

“Wh— Aemond, please,” you whispered, your voice broken, “What can I do? I’ll… I’ll change, I won’t cry or whine anymore— please.” 

He stared at you, his prosthetic eye unmoving while his remaining one bored into you, “I will think about it.” 

“What… does this mean?”

“We are taking a break, alright? I’ll have my essentials out and I’m going to stay with Aegon.” 

“Please— don’t go. I need you.” 

That was the end of that conversation. That was the last time you spoke, two weeks ago. You expected him to text you at some point, to check in on you, to maybe try to talk things out. 

Nothing. There's been nothing. Radio silence. 

You felt isolated— you had no family, as your parents were estranged from you. you couldn’t go to Aemond’s family, as close as you were to them all, it just simply wasn’t an option. 

You didn’t have friends. All you knew was Aemond. 

It was early in the evening and you were in a deep pit of self-loathing. You decided to text him. 

You swallowed thickly— the green meant he either turned off his phone or blocked you. You hoped that it wasn’t the latter. 

The next few weeks were a blur. You felt like you were barely living, merely going through the motions to stay alive— not that you really were. 

You woke up, went to work, came home, scrounged up food and then went to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Weeks become months of your monotony, and no word from Aemond. He still had half of his stuff left in the apartment, you felt like you could barely breathe. At every turn there was something to remind you of him. 

You’d lived in this apartment together for four years, the evidence of your relationship etched into the very walls. It was like the space was closing in on you and you couldn’t catch your breath, barely keeping your head above water. 

You had to move out— you had to get away. 

You managed to find a place, a cheap studio above a coffee shop downtown. The landlord was an old lady who was sympathetic to your situation and agreed to let you take the space quickly. 

There was still the matter of your and Aemond’s current apartment— or, rather, it was just Aemond’s now. 

Saving yourself the embarrassment of seeing if you were still blocked, you called Aegon. He was a better messenger than none. 

“Hey, Egg,” you said, sitting on the couch. you bounced your knee up and down, biting at the skin of your lip. You and Aegon were amicable, not necessarily as close as you and Aemond, but you grew up together. Aegon ran in different social circles than you and you were somewhat polar opposites so you never really stuck— you did have your phases of friendship, though– which pissed Aemond off to no end. “Um, I don’t know if this is the right way to go about things but, do you mind relaying a message to Aemond for me?”

“Yeah, ‘spose I could. What’s up?” Aegon replied, his tone nonchalant like usual.

“I’m moving out of the apartment into my own place, so I guess he can go back. I’ll have all my stuff out by tomorrow.”

“Fuckin’ finally,” Aegon said, “He’s been driving me up the wall with his tidy, feng shui bullshit. He rearranged my whole place like five times and has taken up all the space in my cabinets with that nasty no-carb shit,” he paused for a moment, “I… didn’t mean that in a bad way to you, ‘course. I’m sorry it had to come to this. He’s a fucking idiot.”

That made you laugh, genuinely. Your first laugh in months. “Yeah– he… tends to do that. He left half of his stuff here, it feels like I’m living in the twilight zone. I just… gotta get away, you know?”

“Hey, I get that– you don’t have to explain yourself to me. He’s a dickhead and doesn’t understand how good he has it. If you want, I can bring my truck over tomorrow and help you move stuff.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Egg.”

“I want to– please.”

Your brow furrowed– Aegon usually wasn’t so persistent on anything unless it involved drinking or drugs. But, you hadn’t had real human contact in eons besides at work so… maybe it could be good.

“Okay, see you tomorrow. Thank you, really.”

–

It was rainy the next day– nasty and wet, droplets pouring down like tears. It felt somewhat familiar.

But, Aegon showed up like he promised, rolling up in his old, fading yellow pick-up truck. His hair was much shorter than you remembered and he looked actually well kept– Aemond must’ve been whipping him into shape.

He waved and ran through the rain, standing under the eave, “So– it’s raining.”

You snorted, “I think I can see that,” you teased with a tiny smile, “Not sure when it’ll let up.”

“I brought uh…” he paused for a moment to think, stretching out his arms in a square shape, “Y’know?”

“A tarp?” 

“Yup– that,” he gave a lopsided grin, inviting himself in through the open door, “you aren’t going to kick me out if I don’t take off my shoes, right?”

You glanced down at his boots– they were a bit muddy and definitely wet. Aemond wouldn’t have let him step two feet through the threshold without taking them off. But– you weren't Aemond. “No, keep them on if you want. It’s not my problem if you track dirt through the place anyway.”

He nodded, taking his phone out of his pocket for a moment and shooting a quick message to someone. “Sorry I haven’t been around, it’s just… he’s my brother. It would be kind of… I dunno, crossing some sort of unsaid boundary if I visited his… girlfriend?”

“Ex-girlfriend. I guess,” you corrected softly– but you didn’t really know yourself what it was. He wouldn’t talk to you, “It’s fine. I didn’t expect anyone to really reach out anyway, because of that… unsaid boundary thing.”

“We should’ve. you’re a part of our family with or without Aemond. Me, Helaena and Daeron have a whole group chat about it. Even mom asked where you’ve been,” he scratched the back of his head absentmindedly as he sent out another text, “Someone should’ve checked up sooner.”

“You’re acting like I’m some sort of neglected puppy, Aegon,” you turned to him, “... do I really look so terrible?”

Aegon glanced up at you, his mouth formed in a hard line. He cracked his knuckles, shrugging his shoulders. “I won’t lie to you. You look half dead.”

You blinked. Hard. Moving towards a mirror in the hall, you looked at yourself. Dark circles under sunken eyes, your skin was a pale pallor and your hair needed a trim desperately, your split ends curled and fettered. You were gaunt, as well– having lost a bit of weight over the months. “Jesus,” you muttered. Glancing over at Aegon, he was texting again. “Sending an update to the group chat, I guess? ‘Good news, she’s still alive, barely’?”

He snorted, “Yeah– something like that,” finally, he locked his phone and slipped it in his pocket. “I made sure to text Aemond, too.”

Your mouth felt dry at the mention. “Why?”

“He asked.”

“Asked?”

“He asked me to… make sure you were okay.”

Goosebumps prickled at your skin, the ever familiar feeling of nausea and despair swirling in the pit of your stomach. Nibbling at your lip more, you turned away, feeling a bit too exposed. “And what’d you say?”

“I said you were alive but you are not okay.”

Your lips pursed into a line as you tasted a bit of copper in your mouth from chewing on your lip. “I guess that’s right,” you muttered, “Why would he ask?”

“Aemond is… complicated. you know that better than anyone. I don’t know what kind of bug he has up his ass these last few months but… even through all of this, he still cares.”

“Like hell he does,” you snapped, feeling the sting of tears, “If he did, he would’ve given us a chance to talk it out, to… to try, maybe even go to therapy, I don’t fucking know– he would’ve reached out– anyone should’ve reached out,” your hand went to your hair, right at your hairline at your scalp, picking at the hairs there– another self-destructive habit you’ve picked up in your months of isolation, “I’m so fucking alone, Aegon. He knows… you all know I have absolutely no one else. I’ve been going through this on my own. I have no friends, no family– no brother to go live with when I need space, no family group chat. I don’t have shit, Aegon. All I’ve ever known in my life is him and you and Helaena and Daeron and mom. Why… why does it feel like I was cast off the island without even… a tribal council or something?” you sniffed, the tears coming in full force now. 

Aegon was silent, coming up behind you. “I’m… sorry,” he murmured, putting his hands on your shoulders, as frail and skeletal as you were, “We should’ve been better. We… will be better.” he turned you around and pulled you into his chest, enveloping you in his arms. “We thought you would’ve been… fine without him. He made it seem like that– that you were strong enough. I only figured it out yesterday when he was up my ass about texting him as soon as I saw you. He needed to know if you were feeding yourself, if you were keeping up with your medication, if you still had nightmares. A fuckin’... laundry list of questions– I told him to stick his questions up where the sun don’t shine and to see for himself,” he took a breath, “He settled on one question– if you were okay.”

“I think he got his fucking answer, then,” you whispered, “I am not okay. I haven’t been okay in months. I… I need help.”

“I know,” Aegon shifted you slightly to look at your face, “We’ll help you– I promise, you won’t be alone anymore. Look, I’ll even add you to the group chat, okay? I’ll rename it to ‘Aemond Sucks’, how does that sound?” 

You cracked a tiny smile, sniffling. “Yeah… I’d like that.”

– 

You ended up moving your belongings to your new place the same day, effectively ridding yourself of the constant shadow of Aemond’s memory.

Aegon even took you to Michael’s and HomeGoods to get stuff for your little studio, so you could really make it yours. It was a bit intimidating at first– you weren't used to being able to decorate things the way you wanted, as Aemond always opted to keep things simple and minimalistic. 

You, admittedly, went all out. Your new studio looked like a Pinterest board titled ‘cottagecore’. You were incredibly happy with it all, practically jumping up and down at it.

“It looks so good! I love these little mushroom chairs you picked out, Egg,” you hummed, patting some plush felted stools in the shape of mushrooms, which you put near the window. “I bet Helaena would love it.”

“Let’s take some pictures for the group chat, Hel will literally be all over this. you two always love that cottagecore, fairycore, fantasy… shit.” he grinned, stooping down to take some very out of perspective pictures of the mushroom chairs, making them look fifty feet tall.

You settled into your new place quickly, having Helaena, Aegon and Daeron over quite often for drinks and movies. Your health steadily improved until you were mostly back to normal physically– there would be a lot of scars internally, however that would take longer to heal, if you ever would. You had developed a trust issue complex since Aemond’s unceremonious exit from your life and hadn’t gone on any dates, you didn’t know when or if you would ever be ready. They did you the courtesy of not mentioning Aemond, until Daeron said something odd.

It was about four months after you moved in, and almost a full year since you’d last seen Aemond. You were all a few mixed drinks in, Aegon had made them and you were heavy on the alcohol, light on the ‘mix’, and you were all kicked back on the couch, with Aegon laying on the mushroom chairs stacked next to each other, lazed back like a cat. 

“Mom says she wants you over for Christmas dinner,” Daeron said, taking a sip of his drink, “She figured it’d be fine with Aemond going off with his new…” he blinked, catching himself. 

Helaena nudged Daeron in the ribs as a warning, staring at their friend warily.

“... his new? His new what?” you asked, your voice so quiet that it must’ve been like a squeak.

“... new girlfriend.” he finished.

You were silent for a while before sighing. “I figured it would happen eventually. I can only hope that it… wasn’t too soon after we broke up– or whatever… happened.”

“We all told him it was fucked up that he just left and ghosted you, lovey. Even mom got on his ass about it, and he is her favorite child who usually can do no wrong.” Helaena put her drink down, wrapping her arm around you. “You should come to Christmas dinner, everyone would be super happy to see you! And Aemond won’t be there, so even more reason to come. Please.” she whimpered, using her best puppy-dog face.

You mulled it over in your mind for a few moments. You couldn’t think of anything more painful than being alone during the holidays, so you nodded.

–

It was snowing on Christmas day, the flurries coming down and melting against your skin as you waited for Aegon to pick you up. You were wearing a red checkered tapestry dress with a flannel jacket, a white fluffed scarf wrapped around your neck and lower face. As soon as you saw the familiar color of Aegon’s truck, you practically booked it into the passenger seat. 

“Merry Christmas, you look fantastic,” Aegon mused, ever the charmer. “I’ve got the heater on full blast, I promise– but y’know my old boy’s puttering these days. We’ll need to get some speed for it to really warm up.” 

“Mmm,” you murmured, your teeth chattering, “S’cold.” 

He reached back and grabbed a well-used blanket, draping it over your legs. “Better?”

“... yeah– but,” you blinked, raising a brow. “What do you have this in the truck for?”

Aegon laughed as he began the drive to his family’s estate. “I think you know.”

“Please don’t tell me you’ve fucked someone on this blanket, Aegon.”

“Someones– not just someone. But I keep it clean, no worries!”

The drive to the Targaryen estate was about an hour and a half from town, nestled deep into an expansive forest where there weren’t any other homes in at least five miles. It was a gorgeous, Victorian style mansion and according to Daeron, was most certainly haunted. You had been here numerous times, of course, but it’d been a while. As you pulled up in the driveway, you saw Alicent standing outside the door dressed in a gorgeous red and green festive dress, hair curled to perfection. Nothing less was expected of Alicent, though.

“Oh, my darling,” Alicent cooed, holding her arms out to caress who she thought of as her fifth child. “It’s been too long, I’ve missed you.” 

Your heart warmed under Alicent’s caress, someone who had become more of a mother figure to you than your actual mother. You sniffed, pressing your forehead into Alicent’s shoulder. “Missed you too, mom.” 

“Come on, you both can cry inside in the nice toasty house, yeah? I’m freezing my balls off here, mom.” 

Alicent huffed, ushering both of you inside. “Don’t be vulgar, son– it’s Christmas.”

Helaena and Daeron were already there, as well as Otto, who gave you a stiff nod as a greeting, as was his usual means of communication.

You settled into the kitchen, Alicent pouring everyone apple cider and dishing out at least six types of holiday themed cookies. About an hour after arriving, there was a knock on the door. 

“Oh, that must be Rhaenyra and Laena. Can you answer the door, darling? I need to take the roast out of the oven. I’m sure they would be happy to see you!” 

“Mhm!” you mused through bites of cookies. You loved Rhaenyra and Laena, who were technically married with husbands, as was Alicent, but the three of them were in a secret, not so secret to anyone with eyes, polyamorous relationship. It always amused all of their kids when they tried to hide it. 

You turned the doorknob, fully expecting to see Rhaenyra and Laena. It was not. 

Aemond.

“Fuck.” you blurted out, eyes wide. It had been the better part of a year since you had last seen him. His hair was longer now, gathered into a low bun at the nape of his neck, his cheeks a bit more gaunt. He still wore his earrings and his rings– including the one you had given him almost a decade ago. 

“Shit.” he responded, seemingly caught equally off guard by seeing you again. The pupil of his non-prosthetic eye dilated until the iris was almost consumed in black, before he flexed his hand and reeled himself in. 

You couldn’t help but notice he was alone– no ‘new girlfriend’ as Daeron had put it. “Aemond,” you breathed, feeling like you were outside of your own body, your head filled with fluff and static. “Merry… Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” he responded gruffly, “Can I come in?”

“Oh– yeah, duh,” you chastised yourself, stepping aside to let him in. “Sorry.”

“Mm.” he grunted in his usual manner. That seemed to be a habit he hadn’t dropped. 

You all but retreated to the kitchen, the expression on your face telling everything. Aegon, Daeron, and Helaena gathered around you.

“I didn’t invite him, I swear.” Aegon whispered.

“Well, neither did I!” Daeron professed.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t invite him. He left me on read three weeks ago when I sent him a picture of a bug on my windowsill.” Helaena sniffed.

A new voice chimed in. “I invited him,” Alicent spoke, breaking up the little posse, “I told him to come over or he would be grounded for three months.” 

All four of you stared at Alicent, deadpanned. 

“Mom– he’s… almost twenty-seven. you can’t ground him,” Daeron said, confused. “And moreover, why? Wasn’t he busy?”

“Well, first off, he is my son, so I wanted to see him for Christmas. Two, I believe we have someone here who has some unresolved issues with him.” Alicent responded, staring right at you pointedly.

“... I don’t know… I… I don’t know if I can talk to him. It’s been too long… I feel like I was just getting over all of this.”

“Well, do I have any say in this?” Aemond barged into the circle, his hands in his pockets. 

You suddenly felt overwhelmed, the familiar bubbling of everything being too much rising in your stomach. You were teleported back to months ago when you were barely alive, trapped in your own mind. “I… I need… I need a minute.” you muttered, your voice sounding distorted as you made your way to the bathroom, turning on the faucet. Chest heaving, you were already crying, the waterworks starting somewhere between the hallway and the sink. 

“You’re always fucking crying, I can’t take it anymore.” Aemond’s voice from months and months ago echoed in your head, causing the tears to flow more. You bit against your lip, tasting blood right away as you willed yourself to stop crying. 

“S-stop… stop crying,” you whispered, fingers messing up your hair as you held fistfuls of it. You couldn’t catch your composure for the life of you, sliding against the bathroom wall onto the floor.

Vision blurring, you don’t know how long you were incoherent for. When you came back to yourself, Aemond was in front of you, crouched down.

“Hey,” he murmured softly, the door closed behind him, “It’s okay.”

You swallowed, still numb as he pried your fists from your head, out of your hair, smoothing it down.

“Look at me, can you do that? Nod if you can hear me.”

You nodded slowly, the feeling coming back to your extremities in a sprightly tickling sensation. You blinked tears from your eyes, the liquid smearing your vision. 

Aemond rasped a thumb over your eyes, effectively clearing the obstruction from your vision. “Just breathe,” he continued to whisper. It was ever reminiscent of when he would calm you down after a nightmare, voice low and scratchy in a way that comforted you. He was so close now, closer than he’d been in forever. He still smelled the same, the scent triggering a deep aching within your chest. A scent that took you forever to get rid of, but you never truly could. “Can… we talk?” he asked then, his voice sounding more vulnerable than ever. 

It felt like whiplash, visions of your previous fights plaguing you, where he had been so closed off, so far away, so distant that you couldn’t reach him– and now, he was here. In the present, in the flesh. In front of you, opened. Not opened completely, but you could see it, like the slit of a cracked door, the light bleeding through. It was there.

“... yeah.”

“I… I’m… I’m sorry. What I did was fucked up. It was fucked up and wrong and you didn’t deserve any of it.”

“You’re right about that,” you muttered, pulling your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. “I didn’t deserve it.” 

Aemond’s mouth twitched slightly before he sat down next to you, propping up his legs in a criss-cross. He opened his mouth to speak a few times, before closing it. His hands flexed and unflexed in quick succession– he was clearly thinking very carefully about his next words. “... I’ve… got issues. You know that better than anyone. I don’t know what was going through my head those months that we fought. I can hardly remember it now, it was like… I was in a fog, a haze– I was working myself half to death, I just wanted dad to notice, to fucking… appreciate me,” he put his hands on his head, “I was so… tied up in this illusion that if I made junior associate at the firm so young that he would congratulate me on my achievement and…” Aemond let out a sigh, “And… in the process… I pushed you away.”

You looked at him, feeling your gaze soften ever so slightly. You knew that his father was a sore spot for him and that trauma ran deep. “You didn’t just push me away, Aemond,” you sighed, reaching out a shaky hand to pry one of his from his face. “... if you would’ve just talked to me, I could’ve helped. You didn’t push… you… you shoved, you shoved and ran in the other direction.”

His one violet eye danced towards you. “I know. I’ve been kicking myself for it. When Aegon told me you weren’t doing well… I almost left work to see you.”

“... you did?”

“Yeah. Aegon basically told me not to– that… this was something you needed space for. Kind of like I did but… maybe in a more healthy way.”

“A text wouldn’t have hurt.” 

He reached into his pocket and took out his phone– his wallpaper was still the same as it was, a picture of you, him and Vhagar very unhappy in an elf costume. He scrolled to his notes app, which was filled with messages addressed to you. “... I thought it might, after what Aegon had said. I was… ashamed of how I acted, how I handled the whole thing– how I left you alone without a word. He told me how you looked… dead. I didn’t want to make it worse.”

Your eyes scanned the messages, picking out some words. The main ones that caught your gaze were ‘sorry’, ‘love’, ‘regret’. A huge breath left your lungs, feeling as if everything had been knocked out of you at once. You felt like you were being whipped back and forth in the wind, trying to grab onto anything. If you both weren’t so stubborn and just messaged one another– well, no. You did message him, one time. “I thought you blocked me.” 

“... for five minutes, maybe.”

“God, we’re so fucking stupid, Aemond.”

“You aren’t– don’t say that. I’m literally a dumbass. All of my siblings told me so, even my own mother, and you know she never curses.”

The tiniest of smiles cracked onto your face as you jostled his shoulder. “Yeah… you are a dumbass. I am allowed to say it at least once. So, um,” you shuffled slightly, “Daeron kind of let it slip that you had a new girlfriend?”

Aemond pinched his brow. “Of course he said that. He is twenty-one years old and still doesn’t know how to use his goddamn ears. I said I was seeing a new therapist, not that I had a fucking girlfriend.”

“A therapist?”

“... things got really dark for me after I moved back into our… no, my… place. After you officially moved out. It felt lifeless, all of your things were gone, the fucking warmth sucked out of the place. It felt like it’d been sterilized of anything… good. I feel into something– I don’t know, a depression? I guess, that’s what Aegon called it. He suggested I see a therapist, citing me as ‘an emotionally stunted asshole who needs more therapy than him’.” he exaggerated the last bit with air quotes, rolling his eye.

“... he isn’t wrong. I mean, I love your family, but all of you are all kinds of fucked up. Maybe I am too, practically being a part of it.”

Aemond chuckled, giving a tight lipped smile. “We are fucked up. I realized that… I really do not give a shit what my dad thinks, because nothing will ever be good enough for him. He’s so far gone now that he probably doesn’t even know we exist. I’ve come to terms with that and honestly… it feels like a weight has been lifted.”

“I’m glad you could… work through some of that, Aemond.” you say sincerely, resting your cheek on his arm absentmindedly. 

“... I want to talk about us.”

“... us. Okay.”

“I don’t expect you to want to jump right back into things. It would be unfair to think that– but… maybe we could try?”

Your chest feels a bit tight at his admission– he wanted to try. Every fiber in your being wanted to say yes and jump back into it like you’d never left. But you knew you couldn’t. There were still parts of you scarred by this whole experience, some parts that may never heal. It would take a long time and a lot of talks like this to even get some semblance of what the both of you had. “Well… before we were together, believe it or not, we were friends. Could we… try that for right now?”

His chest visibly deflated a bit, but he nodded. “Whatever you need, okay?”

–

The days following Christmas, leading up to New Year’s were… different. You and Aemond were back in contact, going out for coffee and lunch a few times.

On the day before New Year’s eve, you texted him.

Turns out, timing the movie to sync with 12 am on New Year’s day to Toby Maguire saying ‘Pizza time’ was difficult. Well, it wasn’t difficult for normal people– but you and Aemond were a bit tipsy, as Aegon had left some hard apple ciders in your fridge, to which you both indulged.

“Okay, okay,” Aemond stared at his phone, “5… 4… 2… wait, no, fuck, 3… 2… I think we fucked it up– just go, go!”

Quickly, you started the movie. “Maybe we should’ve practiced– can we start over?” you plopped on the couch, sinking into the sofa and taking a swig of the cider.

“Doesn’t work like that, sweetheart. Can’t turn back time.” he mused softly, squatting down on one of the mushroom stools. “Pretty comfy.”

“Aegon picked those out, nifty, huh?”

“Nifty.” he parroted. 

The movie continued on, but as it went on, there was an unspoken tension growing. Aemond hadn’t sat on the couch, but rather, the stools that were on the other side of the room. It felt like a chasm had formed, the strain almost palpable. 

You chewed on your lip anxiously, contemplating whether or not to say anything. But, you had both been trying a new technique called ‘communication’ – a pretty cool and helpful thing that Aemond’s therapist had taught him. You remember laughing when he posed it that same way– but it was extremely important. You cleared your throat. “Why are you sitting all the way over there?”

“... um. I wanted to try the mushroom seats, I guess.”

“You don’t want to sit next to me?” you countered, feeling especially brave. 

“Is that… alright?” 

“Um, duh. I invited you over for pizza and a movie so we could… sit together. Not for you to be half a mile away sitting on a mushroom.”

“As long as it’s alright with you.” he murmured, sitting up from the mushroom stool and making his way over to you, sliding onto the couch, still a few feet away from you.

You weren’t sure if it was the atmosphere, the pent up emotions, the small buzz of alcohol, or a destructive cocktail of all three, but you inched closer to him. Closer, closer… until your thighs were touching. You glanced up at him beneath fettered lashes. “Hi.”

“Hey.” he responded, his voice low and warm. It caused a balmy and comforting vibration to go through you, reverberating in your chest. 

You became all too aware of your movements, your closeness to him, the skin of your thigh grazing against his jeans as you got as close as you could. Your lips parted slightly as he stared back down at you. “Can… we?”

“Can we, what?” he murmured, lacing his fingers through your loose hair, gently grasping it at the nape of your neck. “Use your words, sweetheart.”

“... kiss. A little bit.”

“Just a little bit?” 

“Mhm. A teeny bit.” you leaned up, Aemond meeting you halfway as your lips came together. The culmination of your year apart, all of the emotions, the sadness, the frustration and anger, the passion, love, tears– all of it came together at this moment as the two of you melded together perfectly, as if you’d never left. You couldn’t help but let out a sigh of contentment, followed by what could only be articulated as a moan. 

It caught both of you off guard, Aemond pulling away for a moment, his lips still ghosting over yours. “Fucking hell,” he breathed against your skin, sending goosebumps tingling from your tailbone up to the nape of your neck, the hairs on your body standing on end. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you,” you responded before latching onto him once more. It started off loving and slow, your lips moving against one another like two old lovers dancing together– then it began to heat up, your mouth parting to accommodate his tongue, gnashing against yours as their dance turned up a notch. Your hands roamed his body, everything you committed to memory for so many years still in its same spot. It felt good, it felt like home. “Please, Aemond– I… I need you. It’s been so long… too long…”

“Too long since I’ve had you, had this,” his hand reached down, cupping your mound still hidden beneath your panties. Somehow, you foresaw this moment before it happened and thankfully wore a light dress. “Let me in, love.”

You parted your legs, feeling the ever familiar crook of his fingers slide down the front of your panties, testing the waters. The pad of his thumb and middle finger locked on instantly to your clit, swirling the sensitive bud, sending electric shocks through your extremities. You bit your lip to stifle a moan, pressing your forehead against his. “Need you inside, now.” you all but growled as you peppered little kisses along the soft flesh of his neck.

He wouldn’t keep you waiting long, as it seemed he needed this as much as you did. He parted your panties to the side, propping you on top of him and sliding you down his length, earning a hissed gasp from both of you. It took all of his strength not to burst in you right then, as you enveloped him in your tight, wet heat. “You were made for me,” he breathed, biting down on your shoulder, leaving red marks. One of his favorite things to do was to mark you, leaving hickies in his wake as he worshiped every inch of exposed skin he could reach. “Melded so perfectly, just for me.” he grabbed the flesh of your bottom, squeezing gently at first, then landing a smack on it as he began to thrust up into you.

You nodded fervently, hiccuping little moans as you dug your face into his shoulder, biting him in turn. Your nails sunk into his skin, indenting against his spine as they always had, as they always were meant to. It felt much like a pianist resting their fingers on the ivories after a long break, the pads of your fingers sinking into the ridges of his very being. You were meant to be here, he was meant to be here. You could feel your end coming on all too soon, his cock filling every nook and cranny of you, bullying that spongy, delicate sweet spot just right. You began to clench, your tell-tale sign to him that you were close. 

“I love you,” he whispered, panting slightly, using one hand to push your face back so you could meet his gaze. His wild, pupil-blown out gaze, cheeks reddened, mouth parted, brow furrowed. “I love you, I fucking love you. I missed you– fuck.”

“I l-love you,” you responded before he parted your lips with his thumb, “Love you so much– p-please, s’close.” you whined into his mouth.

“Let go, sweetheart, c’mon,” he grinned against your lips, nipping and biting at them. “Come for me.”

That was all you needed, the twine of your climax coming undone right in your core, snapping like a taut thread. Your usual habit was to hide your face in his shoulder when you came, whimpering and panting– but he didn’t let you this time. He held your face, staring at you intently as if you were a piece of fine art on display, and he was a connoisseur. 

You clenched around him tightly, spurring him to his own end. His hard wrought fingers gripped your ass like it was a lifeline, grunting as he found his release deep within you, where it was always meant to be. 

Coming down from your high, you slumped against his chest, mouth parted. Embarrassingly enough, a little drool wetted your lips. You were fully and thoroughly fucked out, not even registering that Tobey Maguire said “Pizza time!”

“Happy New Year, love,” Aemond murmured against your hair, nestling you tightly against him. He didn’t pull out– he preferred it this way, having you warm him through until you both fell asleep. 

“... Happy New Year,” you whispered back.

–

Two and a half months later, it was Valentine's day. You and Aemond were officially dating again as of January 2nd, much to the surprise of no one. 

You both took things as slow as you could, keeping separate apartments for the time being– but you’d given him a key to your place about two weeks in, and he was there all the time, taking much needed leave from work. 

Unlocking the door to your apartment, you walked in, seeing Aemond lounging on the couch with a scruffy brown furball on him. 

“Oh, Vhagar! You brought my baby,” you mused, dropping your items (with some grace, so as not to scare the geriatric cat), walking over, “Oh, I hope she remembers me.” you frowned, kneeling down and offering your hand to her.

“Of course she’ll remember, she yelled at me for a good three months at Aegon’s when we were without you.”

Vhagar sniffed your hand for a good minute before blinking her sleepy, lazy eyes at you, then promptly rubbing her scraggly cheek fur on your hand. You were elated, scratching her cheeks, hearing the tinkling of a little bell. 

“A new collar?” 

“Mhm, take a look.”

You swirled the collar around, looking for the name tag– only to find… a ring. An opal and moonstone ring. Your heart stopped in your chest as you stared at Aemond.

“I would get down on one knee– I was intending on you coming home and Vhagar running to you and then you finding it… but she’s on me, and I can’t get up. Cat rules,” he mused, unclipping the collar from her neck and slipping the ring onto your finger. “I know we’ve only been dating for… a month and a half, so stop me if it’s too soon.” he grinned, his toothy smile.

Vhagar gave a croaking meow, promptly jumping off of Aemond’s lap. As soon as the old cat was off, you threw yourself at Aemond, blubbering. “This… this…” you sniffed, unable to form words.

“Just so there isn’t any confusion… will you marry me?” he asked, wiping your tears away with his thumb.

“Yes, yes– I will,” you sniffle, burying your face in his chest and sobbing. 

He let you sob on him, getting his shirt all snotty and wet, all while smiling. 

After crying for at least ten minutes, you manage to take a picture, sending it to the group chat, with the caption: “I think we should add him to the chat now, guys.”

Ding.

“Is this group chat named ‘Aemond sucks’?” 

[wheeboo]

a letter to 2023 . . .

hello everyone! we have reached the end of the year, and therefore here is a letter to 2023, and to literally all of you as well. this is gonna be a bit long so bare with me oops.

this year tested me. i completed high school, started university, realised that this is it, i'm a grown-up now. i cried, had sleepless nights, and had moments that felt too heavy to bare; but most importantly, i smiled, laughed, and probably felt the most joy i've had in the longest time.

i joined this place three years ago, but didn't start posting until the summer of this year. i didn't have high expectations, especially since i knew this place was vastly larger than any other platform i dedicate myself to, yet here i am! in the midst of publishing silly little writings and dumping my innermost thoughts, i found my happy place.

i did not expect to grow this much: making over 1.6k followers, posted 67 unique works, meet lots of new people whom i can call my friends, and of course, grow into the person i am now, and i couldn't be more thankful to all those who have shown their support for me 💞

firstly, i would love to spread love to my moot group and server, the people who i can share countless laughter with for hours on end 𑁋 @slytherinshua @blue-jisungs @fairyhaos @eternalgyu @haecien @weird-bookworm @etherealyoungk @idubiluv @wqnwoos @kyeomyun @hannyoontify @rubywonu @icyminghao @mirxzii @hannieheartuu 𑁋 for being the most amazing, most talented, and most hilarious human beings on the planet. thank you to all of you, i love you all so much 🫶

then to the rest of my moots, those who i talk to on here, discord, simply through interactions, or those who i haven't gotten to talk to much but would love to 𑁋 @toruro @hanverse @trblsvt @haowrld @planetkiimchi @rubyreduji @mesanthropi @boosari @the-therapist-needs-therapy @ryuwonieebae @odxrilove @ressonancee @reivrze @jeonwon-wonwoo @welcometomyoasis @amxlia-stars @kyrjnie @freshmint54 @babyleostuff @mangocustard16 @phenomenalgirl9 @hanggarae 𑁋 i wish you all a lot of love for the new year and i can't wait to interact more!! you all make this place a little more bearable each day. thank you for all that you do 💞

and finally, to my lovely followers (flowers 🤭) readers, and anons, i don't have enough thank yous to say thank you for all your support, whether you liked, reblogged, commented, followed, etc. thank you to those who have bloomed with me since the beginning, and thank you to those who have recently planted their little seedling in my garden 🥹💖. you all have helped me grow as a writer, as a person, and as a part of this wonderful (and hellish) community. your encouragement, feedback, and presence have meant the world to me. it's heartwarming to see this lil garden of my thoughts and emotions bloom and resonate with you, and i'm grateful to have you all as part of this journey!! 💐

with that, i wish you all a happy new year!! even if you don't celebrate it as big as others, i hope your 2024 is filled with lots of love, laughter, and simply just happiness. let's all bloom and flourish together!!! cheers to a new years and to new wonderful memories 🥂💓🫶

[hechose]

respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better.

roleplayer name: andy

roleplayer pronouns: they/them

muse name: armand

preferred communication: discord is mostly preferred, but tumblr dm's are always fine too!

experience: oooh... something like... 15+ years?? across a variety of different platforms.

preferred roleplay type: love a good few paragraphs where all parties get to go in depth rambling about the situations/character feelings/motivations/thoughts/all that jazz. as much as i always enjoy a good funny quick vibe thing, i will always prefer deep diving into character development and explorations stuff, be that of any variety ya know??

pet peeves & dealbreakers: it's,,, rather specific but it's based on past bs so-- i'm particularly offish if someone shows signs of possessive behaviour like. jealousy over writing/talking etc with other people, treating it like you own myself or anyone in the community for that matter. ig i've just... been burned too badly in the past and not noticed before it was way, way too late. i have pretty open eyes to that shit now (thank u therapy for helping me work on my own shit with that), so i'm pretty quick to just shut it down. also a less intense one but, people essentially guilt tripping people with ooc posts.

plot or memes: memes are always a great way to kick shit off, to explore different things and tend to be a good jumping off point for me to feel comfortable approaching people directly to then either, plot in depth, or just vibe it and scream about our characters ya know?? plotting is great, i love being able to delve in and create our own little worlds and aus etc, but i do tend to be a more vibes person when actually writing/threading etc. i like to have an end point/direction with a thread, even if it's only a tiny point to grow and delve into.

long replies or short replies: nice lil mix tbh?? two small paragraphs tends to be as small as i go... long ones have done the 'oops i hit discord message limit four times in one reply womp' so it really just depends

best time to write: usually just... any time during my days off. if i wanna write, i'll write ya know?? however post-work day tends to not be as great of a time coz i'm usually fuckt and exhausted.

are you like your muse?: ahhahahahahahahahhaha.... listen,,, lets just. NOT,,, bc it's big womp womp moments every time i hit Awareness of how and why im so deeply attached to this muse in particular-- sometimes u just have trauma that connects up and how it shaped you matches and how it made you function for such a large part of your life mATCHES,,

tagged by: @operahouses fank yew bb tagging: i've seen so many of u wonderful lot doing this so just, anyone that sees this now and hasn't yet, tag me as the one that tagged u so i can read urs too!! <33

[auniverseforgotten]

12 & 21 for the ask game

AAAA tY FOR ASKING

12. What's the funniest or craziest AU idea you've ever come up with?

Ooooo I'm torn on this one honestly? I have a lot of AUs in my head not down on paper, some that are just. So far from the original source material that they're practically their own media just with borrowed faces oops XD

But I guess right now it's probably the fate AU where magic is a thing but Most of the characters are just Normal, with the Main fic being a teachers/teaching AU because -slaps head- you can fit so much salt about academia in this bad boy. I started it like...yesterday with the usual brainrot focused on Salieri and my brain has already veered completely into making a oneshot in the same universe focusing on another character's encounter with a supernatural cult leader SO IT'S REALLY GOING. I do also enjoy my Alter Ego Salieri AU.

21. Go onto your AO3. Which ship have you written for the most? The least? Does this correspond to who you consider your "favourite?"

Well, by virtue of works on AO3 it's a bit of a tossup. I have a multi-chapter fic in one fandom but a lot of the entries in it are platonic or can be read both ways so I don't really count it? So then it goes to next most written which is Morwen/Telemain from The Enchanted Forest Chronicles and Padme/Anakin from Star Wars, both with a grand total of two fics each. x'D

Padme/Anakin is a ship I'm neutral about, but since it was basically just a fix-it series that...is a lil abandoned right now, they're together because I haven't decided if they stay together or break it off to just be friends and coparents. Since rn they're both still in a lot of trauma and danger they're just clinging to each other. But I also don't know if I'll ever work on it again because there is SO MUCH LORE I have to remember and Star Wars fans are scary if you get lore wrong. XD But also for them to still be a ship in canon/fix-it they would need. SO MANY TALKS AND THERAPY.

Morwen/Telemain meanwhile is a ship I do hold fairly close to my heart; Telemain is a character I just love, he annoys the hell out of everyone with all his technical magical talk and I feel so seen by it because same, friend, same. I'd like to write more with them eventually, and I did start a multichapter back in 2020 that I'd like to get back to if my brain cooperates. I'd really like to explore Morwen and Telemain both diving into technical magical talk because I feel like she enjoys it too, just tends to remind him to speak a little more plainly when others who aren't as steeped in magical theory are around. And I also have a really feelsy WIP on the effects of the war on Morwen somewhere deep in my docs that also has some shippy vibes, but I've not worked on it for ages because it feels very self indulgent.

And if you look at my WIPs it's all Salieri/Mozart from Fate Grand Order, I have like. Nine in my docs right now, save me x'D and only one up on my AO3.

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ASK FRIEND AAAAAA

EDIT: I FORGOT the ask game is: here for anyone who wants it themselves/wants to ask uwu

[thespacelizard]

for your thirsty drow: rizeth 28, ashenivir 35, zeth'rinn 30, vizeath 69

i will fully admit i reblogged this ask game like a lil cheese under a cardboard box trap for you :p

28 - Are they into body worship?

For receiving, I think he’s pretty neutral on it, but would be happy to do it if it was something Ashenivir really wanted to do. He’d be very into giving it; you know how much he adores Ashenivir all the fucking time, he’d love the chance to bring that into a scene.

I do even have a note for him doing some in arc 5, after Matron Zauvym pulls some bullshit.

35 - Have they tried something adventurous that they ended up disliking?

you mean apart from the debacle of To Know One’s Limits? (well, i guess he did like part of that, he just accidentally ended up triggered. oops). Hmm…not yet, really, I want to say. None of the people he’s hooked up with have ever been that adventurous, especially compared to Rizeth, and he hasn’t done anything with Rizeth that he really dislikes yet (apart from the aforementioned fic debacle).

I mean we could say, based on the two things that are in his active dislikes column, that he did try watersports with someone one time and immediately went ‘actually no thank you’. Because my boy, sometimes regrettably, will try most anything once, especially if a partner is into it.

(the only other thing on his active dislikes column is breeding, and there’s no way he needed to try that one out to know it was a major hard limit)

30 - How bratty are they?

ahhhh, i’m so predictable, but i think i am going to commit and say he’s very bratty. He’s a tease. He’s an annoying little shit. He’s just like his fucking dad, and you can pry my bratty Jarlaxle headcanon from my cold dead bratty hands.

I think Zeth likes teasing and taunting. I don’t think that he’s fully a brat with everyone he hooks up with, it depends on how they click, but if he finds someone who will push and pull with him. He’s doing that bit from that one tumblr post where the guy taunts the most jacked guy in the room then just goes ‘i’m just a little birthday boyyy’ only what actually happens is he gets fucked stupid.

…I think I’ve just realised Zeth’rinn is very into people who are built. Like he’s into Menzova, who's a fucking Darksong Knight and is definitely a Pretty Buff Lady. Oh no, he likes being thrown around.

Well, I guess I wanted asks to make me develop this boy, so. There’s that i guess!!

69 - Do they have anything that they once considered a squick but is now a turn on?

(of course you picked 69 for viz. of course.)

now, I have not fully fleshed this out, but I lowkey have this idea that Viz has some deeply suppressed horny feelings about Being A Girl During Sex. Like he hated it when he was a girl, but I am convinced that now he has a different body, the idea of it is uncomfortably erotic for him.

i really just think that if Pharaun put him in a lil skirt and stocking situation, he would lose his mind. like he’d be fucked up about it, but also. if Pharaun called him a pretty girl the amount of therapy he’d need would instantly double.

[unknownspecies]

i'm gonna torment you a bit with whatever comes to mind bc i should be studying but i'm not <3

today at 7:30 i'm gonna go pet some therapy animals in my common room apparently there's gonna be a chinchilla and a cat possibly a lizard and i'm super excited. maybe i'll post a pic later on my blog

i am having nachos for lunch except i haven't actually started eating them yet oops

my backpack is a purple janSport one

the guy sitting near me seems like a comp sci major based on what he's been saying on his zoom call, talking abt computer codes and binaries and chat gpt and raspberry pie

i'm gonna appeal to have physics erased from my transcript <3

okay that's all feel free to stop by my inbox too!!!

BRUH GO STIDY UR GONNA REGET IT 😭😭😭

ooh tell me how it goes ! i xont think id wanna touch the reptiles personally but im fine w the lil furry ones like dogs n cats !!

did you start eating them now ?

I LOVE PURPLE. ! mines a ua black and blue :>

raspberry pue is vv essential to coding you have no idea :> but pumpkin/sweet potato pie is where its at

whyyy !!!?!?!

i’ll stop by in it in a min 😭

[the-slasher-madame]

Bo Sinclair Angst//Comfort

Well gang, this might be a bit of a doozy. I’m not the only one, and it ain’t all that big a deal, but there’s definitely stuff that people have said/done that sticks with me and I believe is a little traumatizing. One of those memories has been bouncing in my head, so I thought I’d write what I wish could’ve happened, or just a way I’d like to be comforted. I still have troubles like, I guess properly giving credit to this kind of stuff. Like I call it sugarcoating, I just tend to underexaggerate stuff to protect people’s feelings or keep them out of trouble (them being my parents) and I do not support comparing trauma but I know this stuff isn’t as up there as what other people have experienced. Either way, it hurt, and I’m still trying to think through different thoughts and feelings I have. So there’s my piece of vulnerability for the day, and this is a way I’m trying to learn to use to help work through some of this <3

TW/Notes: heavy content, Bo being aggressive and scary, reader remembering stuff from their past, angst then comfort, fluffy ending, kind of a panic response/anxiety attack sort of deal, Bo yells at reader, gender neutral reader, reader likes stuffed animals, canon typical violence, as always let me know if I missed something

Also while this is based on a memory, it wasn’t quite as intense as this story

// Shit shit shit shit. The victims that ran through Ambrose today had been a lot to handle. Almost too much, but only almost. They had started by being rude to Lester, commenting on his appearance, his job, and his truck decorations. He’d given Bo a look when dropping off the tourists that had told your lover everything he needed to know. Despite his personal feelings, he tried to pour on the charm, but the group was just as snobbish to him as they were to his brother. Bo managed to get some of them to head towards the wax museum, taking care of the one that remained at the stations before radioing towards Vincent. All hell broke loose from there, and this group of asshats put up a fight. You had been in Ambrose long enough to form an attachment to the brothers, particularly Bo, and once the carnage started he always made sure you were safe in the house while he took care of the dirty work. You’d paced while the twins took care of their latest victims, but Bo absolutely hated whenever they got a group that tried to fight back. Sure, he loved a good struggle, but this group had gotten a couple of scratches and kicks in which only pissed him off beyond belief. You loved him, but you knew exactly how short his temper was. He’d yelled at you before, lashed at you with his rage when he couldn’t hold it anymore, but he tried his best to spare you from all that. He remembered how it felt getting yelled at as a child over nothing, and he knew you were a sensitive individual. He actually loved that about you, how emotional you were and how honest you were about it. But...it wasn’t always best when it came to his volatile anger. 

You were sitting at the kitchen table, the slightly yellowed lights above you keeping you company with their constant hum as you sipped at your water. Night had fallen maybe an hour ago, maybe two: long enough that you were beginning to worry more than usual. You almost dropped your mug when the front screen door banged open and slammed shut, all the while with your lover letting out curse after curse. You set your mug down carefully on the table, starting to shake with the anxiety that sprung from Bo’s anger. You never delt with other people’s anger very well, especially when it came to those that were intimidating in their rage. Your head was lowered, staring at the mug grasped between your trembling hands. Bo stormed through the kitchen, heading straight to the fridge and it made you jump again. You hoped he hadn’t noticed, especially as your anxiety grew. Oh, he had unfortunately noticed. Bo was already in a foul mode, and he didn’t want to have to worry after you (and he felt guilty that you looked so shaken, knowing he’d done that to you). 

“The fuck you lookin like that fer? I just walked through my own goddamn kitchen,” he hissed at you from his place next to the fridge, a beer already retrieved and held to his lips. You looked up at him, quickly moving your eyes back to your hands that had retreated into your lap. He didn’t like this, feeling like you were ignoring him and his rage was reaching a breaking point. Bo’s voice started barking out to you, getting louder and more aggressive as he went on, “fuck off, it’s not like you do a goddamned thing around here.  YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT ME HUH? BRAT, I’LL FUCKIN SHOW YA-” He pushed away from the counter, his bottle left on the countertop. Whatever courage you had fled when you saw him move, and you were thrown back to a memory of your father, one you had been thinking about for the last few days. He never beat you per say, but you had been spanked a fair amount as a child and had more than a fair share of arguments and fights from your parents. It left a lot for you to work through, but you were trying. You were trying for Bo, just as you knew he tried to be more patient for you. 

All that was gone from your mind as adrenaline pulsed through you, feeling more like pure fear racing through your arteries. Coherent and reasonable thought left you, sending you into fight-or-flight mode. Your body chose flight, and you quickly scooted out of your chair to shove it in Bo’s path before darting out of the room. You were starting up the stairs while he moved the chair aside, swearing at you. You knew, you knew that he wouldn’t hurt you, but all you could feel was fear. Your mind was sticky with it, heightening your senses while dulling your thoughts. He was moving after you, fast, his mind still on the idea of a chase. He didn’t even know what he was chasing you for, you had run and he had followed on instincts left over from the previous activities of the night. You were jumping off the top step towards the hallway while Bo was halfway up, sweating and trying to gain on you. Your body somehow found a way to push forth another burst of speed, racing forward and lunging into the guestroom and shoving it closed. You locked the door and ran to hide under the desk in the room, a place you had taken to using as a studio for your own crafts. You never really knew why, but you tended to like hiding under desks and the likes when you were distressed (though it was most definitely an unconscious decision at the moment). 

You had your hands over your ears (another default position of yours) and were shaking worse now than you had before. Bo slammed in the door, hard, cursing more as he tried to shake the handle open. Each word, each shake of the door made you sink in on yourself, and your heart was beating like you were in a horror movie. The banging stopped as Bo’s footsteps stomped off, and you took a few deep breathes that almost started to take the fog out of your mind; however, Bo was starting to bang back towards the room, and you swear your heart stopped when you heard the lock click. Fuck how could you forget he had a key to every room in his room? You shrieked when the door opened, and tried to shove yourself harder under the desk. Bo stopped for a moment, still seething, but that’s when he started to notice exactly how bad you were freaking out. He turned towards you and your desk, and you let out that horrible shriek again. It was pure pain, animalistic fear. Bo hadn’t heard that sound from you since you first came to Ambrose, and it stopped his rage in its tracks. He ducked to get a glimpse at you under the desk, and you started sobbing loudly. You’d had tears falling down your face since you had made it under the desk, and the whimpering had started as soon as the first scream had died on your lips. You saw him peering under the desk and you were sobbing, really sobbing. You tried to quiet down, whimpering out apologies to him about the noise and whatever had happened, but what really hurt him was hearing you say, “please don’t hurt me, I’m so sorry.” 

You were still trying to back yourself further into the wall, and Bo started to worry you’d end up making a hole in the drywall from how hard you were moving into it. With his anger evaporated and replaced with guilt, Bo backed away slowly and left the room to gather some supplies to try and calm you down. He hurried back down the stairs to grab a water bottle, then went back up to stop by your shared bedroom. He knew how much you loved your stuffies, how comforting they were to you, and grabbed two of you favorites: one that you had said was the perfect cuddle shape before, and one that held sentimental value to you. You were almost hyperventilating when he returned to the room, and your sobs picked up again as he moved past the desk. He sat about a [meter/yard] away from you on the floor, settling in to try and calm you down before you passed out. Bo had seen you have an anxiety attack before and thus had an idea of what to do, and he couldn’t even begin to think about exactly how guilty he felt that he had caused one. Bo loved you and trusted you, he’d accepted you as a Sinclair and sworn to protect you like one. His heart ached hearing your small wails and soft screams.

He sat there a few minutes, letting you adjust to his presence in the room. When your cries had slowed somewhat, he slowly slide your cuddly stuffie towards you, figuring you would need something to hold on to and ground yourself with. He was right, and you gripped the thing like a lifeline. He stayed where he was, watching your breathing slow ever so slightly. He started inching his way closer when he determined that your breathing was steadier and that you were now just crying instead of those gut-wrenching wails of fear. Your eyes locked on him, but you were regaining some sense of control over your own mind again and thus let him approach. However, you did not move to greet him, you were still wary of what might come next, your anxious side telling you to still be alert. Bo finally reached the desk, still sitting with you on the ground. He stayed still for a few minutes, once again letting you get used to his company. He felt relieved when your muscles relaxed, and slowly slid under the desk with you. 

“Hey doll,” his voice let out softly, “could we maybe move out from under here? Can’t be comfortable sittin all cramped up like that.” You thought a second before nodding, and he started to move back out. You followed him, reappearing from your safe spot under the desk. The two of y’all were still sitting close together has Bo whispered to you once again: “Come ‘er darlin, it’s ok. Just let me hold you alrigh?” You nodded again and almost launched yourself into him, curling up in his lap. You had your one stuffie under your arm, and he placed the last one between the both of y’all’s chests before encircling you with his arms. Time passed like that, him crooning to you all the while. 

Eventually you were back in control of yourself completely, and you too started to feel a bit guilty. You hated when you reacted badly to anything, when you got pulled in to a dark pit and felt like you were overreacting when you came out of it. You looked up to his eyes and started with, “I’m sorry Bo, I shouldn’t’ve-” “Hush darlin, it’s alrigh, I shouldn’t a run after ya like that. Shouldn’t a yelled at ya either,” he interjected, knowing exactly where you were heading with this. “But I-” “Nope, you jus reacted, an tha’s ok. I promise I’ll do better, yea? Ain’t gonna scare ya like that again, I promise,” he said, trying to reassure you that this was not something you needed to feel bad for, and that he would fix it. He would not let this happen again, he cared too much for you. Truth be told, he worried about you most of the time. He knew some of the things you had struggled with in the past, and he was terrified by the thought of losing you to them.

You leaned back into his chest, too tired to keep going with this train of conversation. Bo placed his arms around you so that he could carry you to bed. He sat you down, made you take a drink, and tucked you in carefully. He tugged off his boots and hat, climbing in to bed to hold you close to his chest (he was fond of being the big spoon, he felt like he had a living stuffed animal to hold and take care of). You fell asleep fast, drained from the wave of adrenaline and the emotional turmoil that had come with it. He placed kisses along your neck and behind your ear sporadically, almost as if he was trying to remind himself you were here. Vincent peeked his head in the door after you had fallen asleep, looking directly at his twin. Bo raised his hand to fingerspell ‘later,’ dropping it back to hold you around your waist. You turned over to nuzzle into his chest, stuffies still held tight in your arms. Vincent gave one last look before moving on to whatever he needed to do, and Bo eventually fell asleep looking at your face, swearing to show you how much he treasured you. 

- Alrighty finite. This was more intense than the memory I have I think, I only remember getting in an argument with my dad and he chased after me to spank me. Not great, but could be a helluva lot worse. I want Bo Sinclair so bad, I just want him to sit and comfort me and hand me stuffies. Anyways, I hope y’all enjoy my late night angst/comfort lol

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Am I Cool Yet? (2)

In which Jungkook thinks your eyes are kind of really fucking cool and cute.

Tags/Warnings: Kangaroo Hybrid!Jungkook, Sheep hybrid!Reader, part of my unconventional hybrid series I'm starting, University AU, mc has a stutter when shes nervous, mentions of mild bullying (nothing physical), mc owns an illegal amount of squishmallows, sports fanatic kook but what's new, strangers to lovers, romance and fluff!

Additional Chapter Warnings: jungkooks hands, he massages her leg? Lil oopsie oops

Chapter length: mid/long

<- Previous | Next ->

Jungkooks apartment is really comfortable.

It's what you'd expect from a single man's apartment, and its also not. Though there's some disarray here and there, a little chaos, its all in all a very nice space.

But while you're having a small look around before settling on his second-hand couch in the living room after you've both eaten something earlier, he's having big problems.

You might call him crazy- but he's been sporting a little crush on you ever since that first time he bumped into you in the beginning of the year.

You might not remember it, but you've interacted fleetingly every now and then since; you've given him a pen once, helped him find his way around the University several times, even took the blame once for him being late for his classes. You both have PE classes together- and he never couldn't glance at you a little every now and then. Yes, he feels like an actual creep now that he thinks about it- but you're so pretty, it makes him shy.

And now he'd finally managed to ask you out. In a way. Somewhat. Kind of.

Sitting down next to you, he plays it all cool- after all, he doesn't want you to feel weird or start to just drown both of you in awkward silence. He notices the way you sit- and he remembers what you'd told him yesterday on your way home. "Does it still hurt?" He wonders, and you nod, smiling a little to reassure him.

"Its okay. I'll just buy some pain relief cream on monday or something." You tell him, and he turns to you, one of his ears flicking to the side a little in interest.

"I mean- I could try and help, if you want?" He asks. "I'm studying this stuff after all." He chuckles, and you, not thinking anything about it, simply nod. Physical therapy can become pretty expensive after all- and jungkook seems like a pretty nice guy to have around. He takes his classes pretty serious even if he complains sometimes, so why not?

However, as soon as he puts your leg into his lap, and his hands get into proper position he's been taught, he realizes a problem.

Considering your pain and the muscle he thinks is affected, he's going to have to move his hands high up.

Like, very high.

Up to your hip, high.

He's swallowing, before he looks at you a bit nervous. "I uh.. I'm really not trying to be a creep- but like, I'm gonna have to move my hands pretty high up so if that's not okay that's fine too-"

"Its fine." You tell him, visibly unfazed by him at all. It only makes him even more nervous, because how can you just be so cute, while he himself has those absolutely inappropriate thoughts at just the sight of the hem of your skirt?

He feels like a teenager back in the middle of puberty.

But he nods, before he walks out to get some massage oil from his bathroom, because if he does something like this- he's going to do it right. Think of it as practice he tells himself. You're just practicing, nothing more.

He sits down properly, before he starts with his thumbs pressed down on your skin, starting from your calf before he moves them upwards. You seem to become a little uncomfortable as he reaches the point of pain- and he knows that it's normal. "Its okay, I'm sorry, it'll get better soon. Does it hurt?" He asks, and you shake your head. He nods to you, concentrating on his task instead of anything that could distract him.

Like how soft your skin is. Or how the tips of his thumbs touch the hem of your skirt everytime he reaches the top of your thigh, or the way your breathing seems deeper now, your fingers digging into the fabric of your fluffy sweater and how-

No, concentrate. Practice.

"Why're you like.. only going upwards?" You wonder, looking at him curiously while he becomes more comfortable and confident in his motions.

"You're always supposed to massage towards the heart, you know, to increase circulation. Basically to help your muscle heal faster." He tries to explain, and you nod, finally relaxing. "Feeling better?"

"Hmhm. Your hands feel nice." You say, before you stop, eyes widening as you realize how this sounded, suddenly very aware of the close proximity. "I- I mean, I meant you're really good at- I mean-" you stutter, and he just laughs suddenly, smiling at you.

"You're so cute." He compliments, making you smile now as well, calm now after noticing how you didn't make things awkward at all.

However, what does make things a little awkward is when you both move- him trying to stand up, while you're sitting up straight again from your leaning position- and suddenly, your faces are right in front of the other, only a breath of space between you two, wide open eyes staring at each other.

And somehow, he ends up with his lips on yours, a hesitant kiss that turns into a little more, a hand on your cheek before he finally comes back into proper consciousness. "-Oh fuck-!"He gasps out, looking at you like a deer caught in the headlines. "I'm so sorry- I don't know-"

"Its fine, it's OK." You say, laughing a bit in embarrassment before your phone rings, making you both jump and snap your heads towards the device. He takes that moment as a chance to go and put away his stuff again, to wash his hands and take a very big breath, looking at the mirror. What the fuck did he just do?!

"I uh-jungkook?"You ask, as he walks outside the bathroom, to spot you putting on your shoes. "I- my neighbour called and asked if I could take care of her dog while she's back in hospital, I'm sorry." You tell him, and he nods. He's not sure if you're making it up to get away from him- but he won't be nosy either.

He'd want to escape as well if he could.

"Its okay. I'll see you Monday?" He asks, and you nod, smiling.

"Thanks- I uh.. I'll see you on Monday." You say, before walking out the door.

And when it clicks shut, you're both resting your backs against your respective side for a second-

Trying to comprehend what just happened.

[demi--human]

Lil Updates [under the cut because it got long lol] Overall content warning for rambles about mental illnesses / mental health (nothing graphic)

-> ADHD Diagnosis??? have yet to finish the screening, but it's v likely [I'm nearly 25 and I'm not kidding when I say I had /no clue/ until recently that this was a possibility; my brother (29) has had ADHD (initially diagnosed as ADD) my entire life, so my joke always was "that's his thing, i've got the other issues wink wink" (because my symptoms don't present in the same way his do) WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT PROBABLY HAVING IT HE JUST GOES "Yeah, I coulda told you that." ... bastard /aff.] Anywhoo, this now has us questioning if our AvPD is a misdiagnosis* of (severe?) Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or if we have them comorbidly (that's a word, right?). * - I was diagnosed at 16, approximately 9 years ago - and while I fit the criteria, my counselor at the time didn't really discuss it with me at all. (I really only knew I had it because I read my paperwork, but didn't think to ask about it? I had homework to not do lol) So, my list of diagnoses is getting longer, I feel the urge to prune it /lh joking

-> Setting Therapy Goals!! This was actually quite the struggle for us haha, even working directly with Null to figure out what things we really want to focus/ work on. Thankfully our counsellor is patient with us and doesn't mind helping out whenever we get stuck overthinking.

-> Speaking of our Therapist At our first appointment back (because she's been our therapist since like 2017, but we just returned after a nearly two year - involuntary - hiatus oops) -- Anyway, at our first appointment back, we told her about (possibly) being plural! We didn't really get into it much, since most of that first session was filled with other things, and we didn't bring it up till we were about to leave. She was chill about it and seemed to believe us and take our word for it, which was really nice (us? terrified of being fakeclaimed by a medical professional? absolutely.) Though, she did say that it sounded to her like we're an Internal Family System, which, while totally valid, I/we have mixed feelings about? like a knee-jerk "Don't label me" reaction. More to think about.

So that's just a bit of what's been going on for us! To those who took the time to read this, I don't understand why, but thanks for listening to (er, reading?) my rambles. There's definitely more to come xD

Be kind to yourselves, unclench your jaw, hydrate, make sure you go to bed at a reasonable time, and all that good stuff. We wish the best for you.

prolly not going to be very active for a bit. we're just... struggling. resuming therapy soon though, so hope is on the horizon

be gentle with yourselves <3

[maladaptive-day-dreams]

Exposure Therapy

gender neutral reader, all the fluff in the world (+angst(?)), 1.6k words

This was supposed to be a lil under 1k word drabble thing and then I couldn’t stop, oops...here’s a lil anxious boi gif for this anxious boi one shot

It’s been a few weeks since everything with Vecna went down and Eddie was cleared of all charges. You spend most nights at his place holding him through nightmares and calming him down with water and back scratches when he wakes up in a fit.

He barely let you see him when they got back from the upside down. He tried to get the gang to block you out of the trailer when they brought him back through the portal—he didn’t want you to see him like that—but you wouldn’t have it. You were the one who sewed him up with your mediocre first aid skills from a few years of patching him up from school fights.

“Y/N, please go,” he begged softly the first night he was at the motel. You looked at him like you always do when he says something even remotely ridiculous.

“You’re insane if you think I’m leaving your side, Munson. You’ll have to get used to being stuck with me because you’re not leaving my sight until you’re fully healed up.” He didn’t ask you to leave again.

And now you’re here, at Lover’s Lake with him. You’re already in the water up to your knees, arms stretched towards Eddie who stands timidly on the shore.

“Eds please,” you say. “I’ve told you everything I learned about this at the library, exposure therapy can help you get past this and could really help your nightmares.”

“I know Y/N,” he snaps. You flinch at his hard tone and his face softens. “Shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I- I just haven’t been back here since everything happened.”

“It’s ok, I promise,” you give him a small smile. “We’ll go as slow as you need to okay? Let’s just start with getting your feet in, okay?”

You walk towards the shore a bit so you’re not so deep in the water. Eddie slowly takes off his shoes, rolls the bottom of his jeans up and pauses. You hold out your hand for him again and he takes it, making his way into the water. 

His whole body is rigid. He’s still holding your one hand, almost in a death grip, so you grab his other hand while facing him.

“Eddie look at me,” you say. His eyes stop searching the dark woods and meet yours in the moonlight. “You did it! You stepped in, that’s huge.”

He gives a small smile at the pride in your voice. “Thank you, Y/N,” he says. “For helping me.”

“Of course, Eds. You’re not gonna be out of my sight until you’re fully healed up remember?”

—

It’s been a month of your version of exposure therapy with Eddie. You’ve been doing it every weekend, Saturdays usually. Sometimes he’ll be up for a Sunday but it’s only when he’s in a good headspace.

The nightmares are still pretty bad. Wayne has accepted that you’re at the new trailer pretty much full time now but he doesn’t mind. He’s glad you’re there for Eddie and makes it a point to let you know how thankful he is for you when you cross paths leaving for work.

It’s Saturday though, so you and Eddie are back at Lover’s Lake this time you’re both wearing shorts. You drop your stuff on the shore and before you can walk in before him like you usually do to lead him in, Eddie grabs your hand and you walk into the water together. You’re surprised, but you don’t push him, only walking until he stops and no further. When he does decide to stop you’re standing with water up to your waists—it’s the farthest you’ve ever gone.

Eddie grasps for your other hand and holds them both tight as he tries to slow his breathing like you taught him the second Saturday you did this.

“In,” you say, taking a deep breath and holding it for a count of 10. “And out,” you say releasing the breath for another count of 10.

Eddie follows your lead, his eyes squeezed shut, and at the end of his release he opens his eyes and gives you a small smile. “This is the farthest we’ve been in,” he says with a touch of pride in his voice.

“It is, how do you feel?”

“Surprisingly, o-okay?”

“Alright well we don’t want to push it, just because you’re having a good night doesn’t mean we should try and go deeper unless that’s truly what you want.”

“I know, I know,” he says. “I think I’m okay here, I don’ want to go further tonight.”

“Okay, then we won’t,” you smile at him. You stand there, hand in hand looking up at the stars and talking until Eddie is ready to go. 

He still has a nightmare, but when he wakes up he talks about it this time. Every other time he stayed quiet, not telling you about it, just clinging to your arms as you hold him through his shaking.

—

It’s been two weeks since you and Eddie got in Lover’s Lake up to your waist, and this is the first time Eddie as asked to go to the lake and the first time you head there not on a Saturday or Sunday. It’s Wednesday and you already did a session on both Saturday and Sunday—he also didn’t have a nightmare the last three days, so you think that’s why he’s in such a great mood.

You barely get to drop your stuff before Eddie has your hand and is dragging you into the water.

“Eddie, Eddie slow down!” You laugh, tossing your bag on the shore with one hand while he holds your other hand hostage. You walk in and keep going until Eddie stops you. This time you aren’t even standing, you’re wading, chests underwater, legs kicking softly to keep your heads above water.

You give him the biggest smile, and he gives you the same in return.

“Okay, I know you probably want to say how happy you are that I made it all the way in but I have something to say before you say anything and I need to say it now or I won’t have the guts to say it probably ever,” Eddie says.

You’re confused, and you know he can see it on your face. “Eds, wha-“

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” he starts. “I would’ve either skipped town or skipped out on life if I thought you wouldn’t be here when I made my way out of that hell. And then to have you stay? Through everything? Through the nightmares and the middle of the night screams? You amaze me, every day. And I want to say it’s some bullshit bedside manner you learned when you started reading about how to help me and how it’s the patience you showed me when we started this exposure therapy but I know that it’s just you.”

He pauses, and meets your eyes again, his are soft and tearful and all you want to do is pull him into a hug but he starts up again.

“It’s just you, it’s who you are as a person. You’re kind and supportive and patient and will go to the ends of the earth for the people you care about and to know I’m one of those people? That I’m worthy of your kindness and patience and help when I feel like such a burden because I’m keeping you up at night? That’s another kind of humanity. Something I’ve never seen before you, that you would help me when other people thought I wasn’t worth the time or effort to help, boggles my mind.”

“Eddie,” you say through tears, he’s crying too now. “You are not a burden,” you say swimming closer to him. You’re barely apart now, swimming close enough to each other that your legs skim each others under the water.

He continues, “I should’ve said this as soon as I got back but I didn’t know how or when or where or if you’d feel the same but,” he pauses and looks up to hold more tears back. “I love you, Y/N. And I think I’ve loved you since I first met you but it took the possibility of loosing you to make me realize that.”

He brings his eyes to yours, searching your face for a sign of something—pity, disgust, love, anything really. Anything to point him in the direction of how you feel. But instead of saying anything you reach your hands to his face, lake water mixing with the tears you brush away with your thumbs.

You hold him and can see his vulnerability, you can see the love in his eyes, his heart open for you and you take him in. All of him, this sweet sweet metal head that you’ve loved since as long as you can remember. He nuzzles his head into your hands, eyes turned down, but you lift his head up so you can meet his eyes as you pull him in for a kiss.

He’s surprised at first. Mouth flat and unmoving for a moment as he registers, but then he kisses you back. It’s wet and salty from lake water and tears, but it’s also soft. Like he’s trying to push all his love from his heart past his lips into you. His hands find their way to your waist in the water and he pulls you closer.

You pull back and say, “Edward Munson, I have loved you for as long as I can remember.”

He looks at you, doe-eyed with fresh tears on the way. “Baby, don’t cry, please,” you plead.

“Happy tears, love,” he says laughing. “These ones are happy tears.”

He pulls you as close as he can in the water and you wrap your legs around his waist, peppering kisses all over his face. You kiss his forehead, his nose, his tear-stained cheeks and his eyes closed in bliss before capturing his lips again.

[multi-lefaiye]

i have kept this question in for far too long and now i must ask: who is Spencer Fucking Middleton

hello thank you for asking, but also i am so sorry because you have unlocked the part of me that Will Not Shut Up About Fictional Gas Station People

short answer: spencer middleton is one of my favorite characters from the Tales From the Gas Station series

long answer: okay so Spencer Fucking Middleton. he is one of the main/recurring antagonists of one of my all-time favorite horror/comedy series, Tales From the Gas Station. he's mean, nasty, stinky evil man who kills a Lot of people and does the dirty work for various evil entities and gods. and i love him so much it's fucking unreal.

my blog title is kind of like. poking light fun at myself b/c part of me used to be paranoid of someone accusing me of being a spencer middleton apologist and trying to excuse the horrific evil shit he does in canon, so i just decided to go ahead and own that. yeah i think spencer did a lot wrong but he should do more things wrong actually. (just kidding i don't, i think he should see a therapist and calm down a bit)

i still need to finish reading the series in its entirety but spencer like. i used to hate him so much but he's grown on me so much!!!! like. i do think i'm reading into him probably more than the author intended, but there's just something about him that makes me really like him.

(by the 'reading into him too much' part i think that like... the author did not intend for spencer to have redeeming qualities, but i genuinely think if spencer had actually gotten support and probably some therapy instead of being treated like a monster his whole life and ostracized from everyone, he probably wouldn't have started hurting people. can't be sure, and i don't think that excuses his actions on any level b/c he made his own choices, but still.)

like. ok i'm gonna describe some of my favorite Spencer Moments below the cut to try and explain what i mean. under the cut b/c because some of them are violent and i wanna be careful. i won't go into detail about it but uhh content warning there's gonna be mentions of murder/death and general Violence™

SO ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE SPENCER MOMENTS IS IN BOOK TWO. oops caps

but anyway like... okay so the main characters found spencer bloody and bruised and unconscious, and they tied him to a chair just in case he'd try to attack them once he gets up again. and when he wakes up he starts IMMEDIATELY going full Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss.

like... gosh ok this requires context- the tl;dr of the context is that in the first book, jack (the main character and the lil guy in my icon) accidentally killed someone spencer was working with, kieffer. WELL thing is most people don't know that happened, but spencer does, and he immediately used that to start slowly turning people against jack and regain control of the situation. i don't have the book with me right now so i will retype the dialogue from memory:

spencer: let me guess, jack told you i kill people.

rosa: he said you're dangerous.

spencer: dangerous? no, you've got it all wrong! i came out here to keep an eye on him, to make sure HE doesn't hurt anyone! how do you know you can trust him?

jack: hey, asshole, do you know how much it sucks to live with what you did to my leg?

spencer: awww well i bet it doesn't suck as much as what you did to those people you killed. why don't we ask kieffer? or my old boss?

jack: hey, i didn't kill your old boss!

rosa: ... what about kieffer?

spencer: [shit-eating grin]

--

okay i'm sorry this is so long i just love that scene??? like. something about a character who is in a situation where they have no control IMMEDIATELY finding a way to regain control just by being a manipulative piece of shit. i love that.

my other favorite spencer moment is the one a few scenes later where he's in a fight with a shapeshifter that looks exactly like him, and this MOTHERFUCKER really pauses to remark about how hot he is. i love him. i hate him. i love him.

--

anyway ok last thing. i promise. i'm so sorry for how long this is. i just want to share a tupperbot joke i made with spencer that still makes me laugh.

[Image Description: A screenshot of a discord message creating using tupperbot. The message is from the character Spencer Middleton, and it reads: "I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now." End ID.]

[blackandblue13]

For the emoji fanfic ask thing you reblogged today (you could do like. However many you want I just threw a couple out there that seem like fun)

😈🛒🥺

(also I need you to know I had to go on a journey of keyboard discovery to send you this ask bc I don't know how to do emojis ever but also you deserve to talk about your fics as much as you like)

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

uhhh the entirety of ch13 of spidey-reg. bc reg did some whack thing at the very end of ch12, and then i was like “haha wouldn’t it be silly if i showed a little bit of his partners and homies Realizing what he did before throwing the narrative back to him?” and then ch13 turned into ten thousand words of nonsense in which reggie didn’t even APPEAR so we only get to the reggie-related aftermath of ch12 in ch14 which took me like three months to post oops.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

i think uhh flower language/meaning is a big one for me just bc i love it so much. also the stupidest possible confession scenes that i could write. emo hours? i project my own emo hours onto the characters except they get a nice lil hug from the homies and/or partner(s) which i cannot get as easily irl so i must write it as a form of therapy perhaps

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

i am once again thinking about the stupidest possible confession scenes

(also 🥺🥺🥺)

ope i swear i didn’t forget about this ask meme

[queerspacepunk]

I was gonna put this in the tags but it got Long so fuck it into the rb we go:

yess yess yes very thank you both/all. I am VERY into interdependence irl and in fic and with the whole 'as a crew' theme it's important to me to write/show/think about what it looks like for these chucklefucks to look after one another!! to co-captain!! for neither one of them to have to carry the weight of it all. (which feels v toxic masculinity to me and also why imo femmes get shit done. together.)

and i do think it's important for stede to (thanks to his ability to do so) take some of the weight of some stuff. he got to have his epiphany in a safe place (with the exception of skewers but he got lucky so nvm) where he had time and space and all his needs met.

ed tried to do the same despite having none of that and ultimately had to choose survival. so yeah, actually stede needs to give ed some grace. needs to be willing to be the 'stable' one, by which i do NOT mean he is the calm controlled one and ed is the crazy/out of control one, but more..... they both have issues with 'worthiness'. different issues, sure and for very different reasons, but they do, and i think stede needs to be the one to put his internal bullshit and self-indulgent-self-doubt aside and be steady so that ed can have a chance to work through his shit without having to manage stede's side of it as well, if that makes sense (and oh god i hope that "i am adequate"/"let's go get our men" is foreshadowing).

so given all that and given i would also rather not do a fuck-up in the process and write hurtful or enabling shit, i am exceedingly grateful for discussions like this so that we can navigate things safely!!!! i was very vaguely aware of this but not to this extent!!!!

I'm going to be real y'all, the way that the fandom has embraced the idea that Ed needs a minder and a caretaker and someone to manage and guide him has much more to do with racism than it does to with anything on the show, because Stede has multiple on screen breakdowns and hallucinates a dead man for an entire episode, and yet no one is suggesting that he is incapable, in need of someone to be his minder, or out of control, and yet i can't shake a stick without seeing fics and posts and art about how Ed is so hapless or helpless or childish or unstable or out of control or all the above and needs Izzy or Stede or some other big strong white man to control him.

Ed has one on-screen breakdown, in the bathtub, established as a trauma-induced flashback resulting from the direct reminder of his greatest fear (murdering his father aka being a monster aka the kraken) while being pressured to reenact that trauma (aka murdering). Episode 10 can't even really be considered a breakdown considering he's in full control of himself and acting within the established character of "Blackbeard", the world's greatest pirate, the guy who people jump overboard to get away from on sight.

Please interrogate why you may feel more comfortable describing Ed as being out of control or needing caretaking and caregiving, when Stede is right there, having multiple flashback shutdowns, a multi-hour long hallucinatory episode, and at least two different breakdowns, while on the whole being far more emotionally turbulent, uncertain, and an acknowledged danger to the people around him.

Society encourages people to look more harshly at people of color, especially men of color. Please consider the ways that your headcanons, fanfics, fanarts, and fan theories could be contributing to that.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[sluttyminghao]

Prompt Game: Professional!AU Drabbles

I am back with another round of prompts, with the help of @semicolonshua we have come up with 115 new prompts for you to choose from!

these prompts have been written by myself and @semicolonshua, if you intend to use them for your own purposes please give credit! I will not tolerate any content being stolen from my blog. I would also love to see your own creations and spins off the prompts should you use them!

i do have a few rules for this one so please bear with me:

when requesting, please specify which AU you want (professor, doctor, etc.) with your desired seventeen member! (for this round i will be limiting the members to just 1 per ask)

you can ask for up to 2 prompts in one ask, but if i have too many of the same prompt being requested, i will be deleting the ask. i found this to be a problem with my previous ask game and lots of people would request the same thing and it got boring.

for example, your requests should look like this: CEO!Seungcheol x prompts 5 and 27 female!reader / Doctor!Seungkwan x prompt 78 gender neutral!reader

once you have read the rules, please click the read more to see the new prompts and happy requesting!

“Open up~”

“Don’t make me bend you over this desk”

“You’re hired!”

“You’re fired”

“That’s a little...unprofessional don’t you think?”

“Can your skirt be any shorter?”

“You got cum on my suit!”

“I have to present a meeting in 20 minutes but I think I can get a quick fuck in before then”

“You’re in trouble now”

“What’s wrong, baby? Can’t speak?”

“Now tell me what the problem is”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You’re walking weirdly, did you get fucked last night?”

“Into my office. Now”

“I think you squirted all over my documents…”

“Don’t make me use my tie to gag you”

“I think you’d look so pretty with my cock in your mouth”

“I said, ass up”

“According to my calculations, you’re fucking hot”

“I know we shouldn’t do this here, but I just can’t help myself”

“On your hands and knees”

“Are you jealous? The erection in your pants gives the answer away”

“Don’t tell me what to do”

“Make me” “oh, I’ll make you alright”

“You’d love if someone walked in on us right now, wouldn’t you?”

“Your skin is so soft”

“Be careful, these walls are thin and every sound can be heard on the other side”

“You should probably be a little quieter”

“I think you should come back next week for a follow up”

“Please suck my dick”

“Does it hurt when I do this?”

“Open that pretty lil mouth up for me”

“You’d like it if we got caught wouldn’t you?”

“Such a good slut for me”

“Look at you, prancing around in that tight shirt, you’re practically begging me to fuck you”

“Oops, I spilled my water on your chest and now your shirt is see-through”

“Move those papers, I’m fucking you on my desk right now”

“Let’s go into that a little further”

“That’s a bit of a harsh punishment, don’t you think?”

“If you don’t want to fail this class, you’ll have to do some extra credit”

“You have never looked hotter”

“Physical therapy is supposed to hurt a little bit”

“Bend your knees for me”

“Stay still”

“Can’t you see that I’m busy?”

“I’ll call you back, I have...business to attend to”

“You can’t pay this bill? I guess we can come up with alternative payment methods”

“Close your eyes and breathe deeply”

“How did you get that bruise again?”

“Try and relax for me”

“You’re so fucking tight”

“Did you guys sleep here overnight?”

“If you don’t cum before I count to 5 you don’t get to cum at all”

Create your own prompt!

“If only all of our coworkers could see how much of a filthy slut you really are”

“Damn, I didn’t realise it was my birthday with all that cake walking around”

“Did you just spank me in front of the CEO?”

“Spit in my mouth”

“Lock the door!”

“Jeez, I didn’t know you could be so horny at work”

“Let’s try these vibrating panties I bought for you”

“I don’t think these walls are soundproof…” “You’re right, they aren’t”

“I swear I wasn’t watching porn at my desk!”

“That’s not my name, sweetheart”

“Whoever said you can’t sleep your way to the top was clearly wrong.” 

“I’m about to get on a conference call so you have to be quiet.” 

“Anyone could walk into my office right now and see you like this.” 

“Do you fuck all your clients, or is it just me?”

“Get under my desk, sweetheart. You can cockwarm me while I work.” 

“Jealous?” “You’re my secretary I don’t give a fuck about your sex life.” 

“Up against the glass, baby.”

“But you’re my patient…”

“Tell my secretary to clear my schedule for the rest of the day.”

“I’m at work! We can’t have phone sex!”

“You wore that on purpose, didn’t you?”

“You know when my office hours are.” 

“You may be the boss at work, but in bed, I make the rules.” 

“You can touch yourself while I finish up these emails, but don’t make yourself cum.”

“Ride me on top of my desk.” 

“It’s not what it looks like!” “Then why are your fingers all wet?”

“This definitely qualifies as a conflict of interest.” 

“I think fucking the prosecutor makes you a pretty shitty defence attorney, but that’s just my opinion.” 

“But the no office relationships rule-“ “I made that stupid fucking rule and I can break it if I want to.” 

“I guess I just deserved the promotion more than you did.”

“I told you to wait for me.” 

“You’ve been really stressed lately. Let me take care of you.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Use your words, darling.”

“I want everyone in this building to know how much of a whore you are.” 

“There’s no way you’re getting the promotion over me.”

“Do you do this with all of your students?” “Do you do this with all of your professors?” 

“Put it on my tab.”

“The company is making us share a hotel room?”

“Why don’t we work on this… after hours?”

“This suit is expensive.”

“If you’re so needy, why don’t you ride my thigh? I have to focus on this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make yourself feel good.”

“Brats don’t get to cum.” 

“What kind of tutor would I be if I let you get off before you finish your assignment?”

“Let me take you on a real date. I’m tired of hooking up in the break room.”

“Are you naked under that apron?” 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” “And I will continue to do so until you promise not to talk about last night.”

“Remember which one of us is in charge here, yeah?”

“Want a taste?”

“Fuck, don’t say my name like that.”

“When was the last time someone made you feel this good?”

“The pool is closed for the night. Maybe now we could practice giving each other mouth-to-mouth?”

“Keep it in your swim trunks.”

“Is that whistle the only thing you’re good at blowing?”

“If it’s ‘just acting’ why are you hard?”

“The director called cut five minutes ago. Why are you guys still making out?”

“Just hold that pose for a few minutes more. I’m almost done.”

“As a personal trainer I’d like to think I have a lot of… stamina.” 

“He couldn’t please you like I can.” 

“You think you’re funny? Moaning out my assistant's name like that?” 

“You didn’t think I’d find out about you sleeping around the office? People talk, and I don’t like what they’re saying.”