#like... i deserve a break right? im not being selfish am i?

[berrymeter]

i feel like as a result of fixating so hard on xiv ive been lacking as a friend & just as a presence in ppls lives & i feel some guilt over it but at the same time ive been insanely depressed & otherwise mentally (& physically) afflicted for so long bc of my living conditions & i still have acted as a therapist & cushion for many many ppl to the point of social overexertion & burnout repeatedly so. Maybe its fine. Maybe people can deal with it

[tempvstas]

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

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Content Warning(s): some angst, leona being emo lol

Character(s): GN!Reader(no pronouns mentioned), Leona Kingscholar

Authors Notes: Hello all, I am not dead, just busy :] Life update, started uni so I've been busy with that, also, bit off more than I could chew so I burned out HARD. Genuinely lost motivation to write. But I do want to get back into the flow of writing. I'll try and fulfill requests(esp the ones sitting in my inbox, sorry to everyone who sent me requests before im not ignoring you i swear 💀) when I can but theres no guarantee. I wanna write what I can and what I want to and atm its Leona :]]. Please enjoy LMAO

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Leona couldn't remember the last time he had felt the warmth of another.

Moonlight filters through the open balcony of his room, a gentle breeze causing the curtains to sway slightly. He can feel your hands curled around his waist, his tail wrapped around your leg respectively. He stares at you, watching your chest rise and fall slowly, your soft snores seemingly filling up the room.

Silly Herbivore. He muses, brushing a stray strand of hair out of your face, tucking it behind your ear. You're so vulnerable, nestled against his chest. Wholeheartedly clinging onto him as if you were afraid he'd disappear. As he stares at you, he can't help the slight bitterness that wells up in his throat.

Why did you choose him out of everyone? Out of pity? He's never been good enough. The elders and servants back home made that quite obvious enough. He almost laughs out loud at the thought. He would never be good enough, would never be anyone's first choice, and would never put in enough effort because he was just too damn lazy.

A worthless, selfish, arrogant, too prideful for his own good, lazy, a good-for-nothing second prince who will never amount to anything.

Does he even deserve you?

Your slight movements startle him out of his thoughts as he stares down at you, blinking up at him with bleary eyes.

"Leona?" You mumble, rubbing your eyes. "Can't sleep? That's unusual," you tease him, shooting him a sleepy grin. Unwittingly, Leona feels the edges of his lips quirk up, "I was planning on it, until you started squirming around," he huffed. You study his face, a frown marring your features. Leona pokes your brow where it's creased, chuckling slightly, "Don't do that, your face will get stuck like that." You scowl at him, "I'm not a kid," you grumble, "Besides you have that look on your face and I'm worried about you."

Leona stares at you, an eyebrow raised, "Mind elaborating on what 'that look' means." You sit up so that you're face to face with him. "You know, that look! When you get all broody and emo, and all 'oh my sevens im so angsty grr'. That look." Leona wrinkles his nose at your wording, "Very funny Herbivore." You continue to stare at him, concern causes your brow to crease even more.

"Leona, what's wrong? I can tell something's up with you. I know you don't like opening up, and that's fine, but you know I'm here for you, right?" You reach over, taking his hand in yours and giving it a gentle squeeze. Leona's breath hitches in his throat for a second, he finds himself shutting his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again, he finds your gaze trained on his.

Not looking away from him, holding his gaze unwaveringly. Genuine sincerity in your eyes.

"Leona." His ears twitch at the sound of his name being called. Your voice is firm, to get his attention, but soft enough that he doesn't feel the urge to flinch away. He sighs, feeling that you wouldn't let this matter go easily.

"I know you are. If you want the truth, no I'm not fine." Leona grimaces, this feeling of opening himself up was foreign to him. "I'm far from fine. I'm just.....what did I do to deserve you?" His voice breaks a little at the last part, but he continues. "I'm worthless, selfish, arrogant, too prideful for my own good, lazy, a good-for-nothing second prince who will never amount to anything. Compared to Farena or that damned lizard Malleus, I'm nothing. I have nothing. I will never be anything more because I will always be overshadowed by people like them." He takes a second to collect his thoughts before continuing. "I've always had to work hard to earn my keep only for everything to crumble like sand. All my hard work amounting to nothing because someone just so happens to be lucky enough to just be better." His ears flatten against his head out of irritation.

You listen to his words, staying silent. You give him a moment to catch his breath before hesitantly reaching over, pressing a hand to his cheek. Leona flinches, but then leans into your touch after a brief second. "Hey...look at me," you nudge his face so that he's staring at you.

"Look, I will admit you can be selfish, hell sometimes kind of a dick. You irritate me and sometimes I want to strangle you cause you won't let me get to class on time because you won't get off me." You pause, before continuing, "But you are not worthless. And you're not a good-for-nothing second prince. I love you, faults and all. You, Leona Kingscholar, are the best damn thing that has ever happened to me okay? I would go to hell and back for your stinky ass." Leona laughs softly at your nickname for him, leaning more into your hand. "You are worthy. I didn't choose to love you because I felt pity for you, I love you because of who you are. You say that all your hard work crumbles to sand? I've seen you pick yourself back up again. You're passionate about what you're interested in, and even if you won't outwardly say it, I know you care. You're not a saint by any means, far from it. But that's what I love about you. You're flawed and imperfect, and I say that's better than some perfect curated image of who you're supposed to be." You poke his chest to emphasize your point.

"So don't you ever question why I love you okay?" Your thumb brushes over the scar over his left eye, pressing a soft kiss to his eyelid. His eyelashes tickle your face as you do so. "I love you, scars and all. And I'll say it as many times as I need to."

Leona stares at you, a mix of emotions in his gaze. He clears his throat, his tail tugging you closer to him. "Fuck...that was hot," he smirks, leaning in, his nose brushing against yours. "Seriously? I give you this long speech and thats what you have to say?" You roll your eyes playfully, smacking his shoulder lightly. Leona's laughter rumbles in his throat as a hand gently holds onto the back of your neck, pulling you in for a kiss. Despite his rough exterior, his kisses are gentle, his lips molding against yours. His other hand finds its way to your waist, holding you in place as you straddle his hips.

The two of you part for air, small gasps can be heard between you. You wrap your arms around his neck as you settle next to him, head nestled in his neck. Leona adjusts his position into a more comfortable one, his chin resting against the top of your head. The two of you lay in silence, the only audible sound being the occasional breeze that ruffles the curtains. Slowly you find yourself falling into the embrace of sleep.

"Herbivore?" You hear his voice above you. "Mhmm?" you mumble sleepily, feeling your eyes drooping.

"....I love you." You smile, hearing his words, before drifting off.

Ensuring that you're asleep, Leona leans over, kissing your forehead, watching your sleeping face. "....Thank you for being in my life.....and for not giving up on me," he whispers, before settling against you and drifting off himself.

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[v-anrouge]

Addressing and apologizing for the mistreatment and harassment i caused for @twstchatterbox

Long post under cut.

i’ve recently reached out to someone i have hurt a lot continuously due to my own selfishness; Rubia. i’d like to apologize to her. to make things brief we dated a system's alters and would all talk to each other multiple times a day because of it. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day Rubia reached out to me with a text warning me about the fact she'd be taking a mental health break due to her social battery being low, of course seeing that my first thought was panic and that surely ive done something terrible, despite her attempts to assure me that it wasn't the case. i blocked her because seeing her hurt me, and i was convinced i was right in the situation, and that Rubia was some heartless monster. i have gone out of my way for about two years now to spread rumors about her, participated in a hate club, went out of my way to ruin her friendships and isolate her, I was ruining her social life and it made me happy. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore because this is all my fault and I was disgusting.

I know i already sent you an apology but ill gladly do it again, even if you do not forgive me, because it's a totally understandable thing to do. Back when this happened all i could think of was myself, how sad i was how hurt i was and looking back on it i really feel just disgusted with myself and how i dared play victim when your note clearly showed you were not okay mentally, instead of being a good friend and wishing you a good recovery, i immediately treated you like you had betrayed me and completely disregarded everything you told me in that note. None of what happened was your fault, clearly if i had been cut off it was because i was also doing damage, and instead of apologizing i decided to treat you rudely, and i really truly do regret my actions. It's even more disgusting to take in the fact i continuously painted you as a terrible person when i check the way i answered to you reaching out and trying to be friends again, instead of asking for an explanation instead.

In the server i was in had two people who also constantly insulted and painted Rubia as a monster, one of them being the person she considered her internet little sibling at the time; hikaru and the other one is our ex, which id rather not mention. In that server we'd constantly talk about Rubia in a negative way that only served to make us dehumanize her even more, it started at first with simple venting made by hikaru because of the way they felt betrayed and hurt by being abandoned when they genuinely considered themselves siblings, then i joined in where we'd blame and insult Rubia for cutting us off completely ignoring the reasoning behind her decision, the system, who created the server then joined in, at first only expressing how they felt rubia didn't see them as a system but rather just as the alter she dated, painting their relationship as abusive and saying Rubia was causing the alter to almost go dormant. with our constant slander i only started to hate and see rubia in an even more negative light, which only made the way i talked about her with my friends worse. In these almost two years, ive demonized rubia in many ways, all because i was desperate to seem valid, ive hurt her in ways i know i will never be able to make up for, and any backlash i receive for this is more than deserved. Im posting publicly with her permission and supervision both out of respect for her, but also so you all can see the type of person i am, you can all feel free to block me and cut me off if you see fit, it was my own actions that brought this after all. And to Rubia; i know no matter how many times i say this that it'll never fix the ways i hurt your social life, but im truly sorry, i hope that one day you're able to get help and heal from the damage i've caused.

[anaisnotrying]

"Have I been lied to..?"

₊ genre and tags: angst. idol au but its only mentioned once.

͟͟͞͞ pairing: idol!heeseungx gn!reader.

˚ synopsis: you and heeseung can fake a relationship, but for how long before everything blows up and feelings get hurt?

➳ warnings: angst. crying. mean hee. breaking up. sad times mainly (oops.. )

❥ wc: - 853 wors exact

˚₊ a/n: heeseung angst cuz was feeling emo srry guys 😞.

Everyone knew you and heeseung had the perfect relationship. All the qualities that were written in books and told in fairy tales. People were always so jealous of the love you had for each other. Love support care comfort admiration endearment etc etc. but that wasn't the case behind closed doors.

It always starts this way. You say something and he says the opposite leading to useless fights over nothing. You were too similar, both being close minded and only sticking to what you believed in. even when it came to someone you supposedly 'loved'. You were both so selfish.

It's the same thing over and over again. You get offended and leave, but he brings you back. he leaves and you bring him back. Always claiming " I love you and I dont want to". But, alas here you are again fighting over you can't even remember because you let your insecurities take over both of you. Again.

"God is it my fault you're always so insecure?! I'm sick of comforting you all the time. I have my own worries tooyou know. You're just so frustrating and exhausting. I hate being with you I hate you." he yells and mutters the last part. It stuns you. How can it not? After everything you've done for him. He still choose to say i hate you?

Standing there and taking in what he said, you look up at his eyes "...i love you, im sorry Im like this." you whisper while your eyes well up with tears. he's unaffected at first, he's seen it a before. you'll cry, he'll hug you and apologize and then you'll sleep on the same bed holding each other as if nothing happened.

You'll live tomorrow like nothing happened. But this time seems different. He can tell the look in your eyes shows that your mad at urself more than him. Even after he told you that you mean nothing to him and when he basically poured salt in all your wounds.

"Maybe we should just break up for good this time and i mean it."

"maybe we should just try to tell ourselves a good lie and say that we ended on good terms isn't that what you want people to know?"

"look I didn't mean to say that, but-"

"you can't take it back and say you were trying to make me understand how you feel.You always say too much and regret it after. I'm done forgiving you." you say locking eyes with him.

"you didn't mean to say I love you from the beginning either right?"

"... I'm sorry y/n."

"yeah i get it, i wouldn't wanna be with someone like me either"

"I-"

"someone like me deserves better than to be treated like this. I've done all I can to help you too. I saved you heeseung, multiple times that wasn't easy you know. I saved your friendships, your career, and I saved you from yourself too. Why am I still taking the blame after all that?"

It's better to say everything right now than holding these words in, even after you leave each other. "I never felt loved being with you. Everything that's associated with you is fake. your smile, the look in your eyes, your laugh, everything about you is just.. fake." You say with a scoff and walk towards him brushing his hair out of his eyes and holding his cheek in your hand as you always do. Always holding him so softly and gingerly. As if he's made of glass. To you he is. He always is.

His only problem other than being a selfish prick, is that he bites more than he can chew. No matter how much he promises to change and be better. He can't. He knows that he can't, and now he's done promising, which is why this is all happening.

"Admit that you're fake heeseung. That's all you'll be." you mutter and give him a pitiful look as more tears well up in your eyes blurring your vision. Blurring the tears welling up in his eyes too.

"I'm sorry." he whispers with a broken voice. He holds the hand that's on his cheek. He holds it and squeezes it showing his sincerity this time. Showing that he means it this time. but it's too late.

You pull away sighing. Taking your coat and bag, heading straight to the door. You tell urself not to look back. You know that if you look back you'll see him again, all broken and hurt, that sight that always breaks you and pulls you back to him.

"bye heeseung, I love you." you say as you open the door. You leave as if you're just going to work, as if you're just going out and that you'll come back soon enough. But now you both know that you're leaving for the last time and for good. No going back. No looking back. No taking back anything that happened .

"sorry y/n." was the last thing you heard as you closed the door behind you.

So much for 'perfect love' huh?

taglist!! :(tagging moots for now send wn ask or dm to be added to the permanent list!!) @redm4ri ꗃ @taejays ꗃ @slytherinhobi ꗃ @skz-minchan-enthusiast

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[aajjks]

NWO!JK

who the FUCK does he think he’s talking to? he’s lost his mind. every last one of his brain cells? GONE. his mind? he must’ve left that shit at home because this jungkook would never, ever, EVER talk to you like that. “what the fuck is his problem?” says eunwoo.

“did you two have an argument last night or something?”

“no. he seemed fine yesterday”

“well, he’s clearly pissed off at you more than me. you sure you guys didn’t fight or i dunno, have a disagreement?”

“NO! everything was fine! we laughed and even watched bridgerton. i don’t know what’s wrong with him but now he’s got everybody looking at me like i’m the bad guy!”

“ohhh, the best friends are fighting” whispers a group of students and both you and eunwoo overhear them.

“i’ll see you after classes. bye eunwoo” you say before heading to your first class as well. you’re going to keep your composure because maybe jungkook will come around and apologize until then, you’re stuck dealing with people constantly whispering rumors about you amongst themselves.

🕷️🕸️🕷️🕸️🕷️🕸️🕷️🕸️🕷️🕸️🕷️

hurt her more

hurt her more

think about all the times she’s broke your heart

think about all the times she’s bragged about being with another guy

think about how she purposely pushed you to mj so you would get away from her

she’s selfish

she deserves to have her feelings hurt

break her like she’s broke you

hurt her

hurt her

hurt her

you hate y/n

you hate that you love her

she’s the reason why you can’t move on

you saved her life and she never thanks you

she’s talking to another guy and bragged about going on a date with kai

she’s a fucking slut

she’s a whore

she hurt you again, jungkook

hurt her more

hurt her more

hurt her more

nobody loves you

nobody cares about you

they’re selfish

laughing in your face

calling you names

their concern is fake

hurt them all

~🫧

Nobody loves him every single one of you are selfish. Especially you.

you fake your concern and love for him, no one cares about him not even his aunt or his parents, not you or eunwoo. No one.

You didn’t even ask him if he was alright or follow him to make sure that he’s OK, that’s because you don’t give a fuck about him and now your true colors are coming out.

It’s almost lunch break right now, but he hasn’t been able to focus on any of his classes, right now he’s taking his English class and.. he can hear some gossip.

Young Jae and his big fucking mouth, Jungkook glares at him, he smirks feeling the intensity of his glare, Jungkook clenches his fist.

But his control snaps when he hears him taking your name.

“do you want me to break your fucking teeth, huh?” Jungkook gets up from his desk before slamming his fist on it.

“you know, you smile too much and you have the most ugliest smile ever. I WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING TEETH.” He screams, the teacher and the whole class is so surprised

He feels mj look at him too.

Well, they can all look all they want. “YOU FUCKER I AM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL YOU? WHAT DO YOU KNOW HUH? NOTHING.” He approaches Young Jae before taking him by his collars.

Jungkook makes him stand up. “JEON JUNGKOOK STOP!” The teacher says, but jungkook can’t hear anyone. “YOU SHOULD KEEP HER FUCKING NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!”

He growls before punching him on his nose, so hard that it makes a cringey noise.

“STAND UP! TALK ABOUT HER GOSSIP ABOUT US!” Jungkook laughs like a maniac, the student gather around to stop him, the teacher is screaming at the top of her lungs, but he can’t hear her.

“JEON JUNGKOOK STOP BEFORE I CALL THE PRINCIPAL!”

The students try to get him off of the now bleeding Young Jae but Jungkook is way too strong for them to handle

“IM GOING TO KILL YOU!”

[writhe]

woke up and felt dreadful but i can’t have a life where dragging myself out of bed is a chore and i don’t like sleeping and i especially don’t like to lay around and i got up and i cooked a big breakfast & that changed how i felt and i had a a beautiful day

i read without worrying myself with the time. i took a walk and -begrudgingly- found 5 things to be grateful about while walking. i feel so steely and spiny and hopeless but pushing myself to consider even a glint of something other than futility nice. i’ve convinced myself the apathy is the natural progression of my state of being, that everyone gets here eventually. but if i want things to matter i have to start letting them, yeah?

it was a beautiful walk. i ran some errands after and i felt good and bright and busy. i had some accomplices in thievery & got some girl scout cookies. i’m in all black and chains and big boots and jewelry and spikes and a knife on my hip but i tried to be so polite with the kid. idk who she’ll grow up to be but i’d like to think children witnessing adults who grow up to have some sort of alternative lifestyle (vaguely punk yet pathetic freak with no prospects aside from a dog) partaking in a simple joy (like 4 boxes of cookies) is important. you’re like 10 right now and if things feel bad don’t forget you can make it weird 15 years from now and also just buy cookies whenever you want, yknow?

felt good from all this. screen printed. had some feelings.

took a break and visited friends who are working on a farming project. drank around a fire, sat in the dirt. it felt good. i’m shocked in how wanted i’ve felt by people recently. im trying to cling to that & internalize that i specifically matter to people. im trying to be more honest, a little. trying to tell myself that there isn’t a version of me my friends want aside from the one they know.

then, saw a larger group of friends, kind of serendipitously. 15-20 of them, all headed to a plot of land. i walked up to everyone staring at me, standing in the field they will grow on. greeted by smiles and some pleasantries. the sun was lower in the sky and painted everything gold and dreamy. something in me twisted. i’m a less fun drunk now & everything feels closer to the surface but i think i was okay. made small talk, everyone seemed happy. i want to let my guard down. i want to be able to actively listen to people again. i’ve been feeling really fixated on my presence in people’s lives being a point of dread or irritation & this gets in the way of being a friend or making friends, which is both selfish and unproductive. i don’t like that i feel this way, i don’t think i deserve to feel this, & i think it discounts a lot of the ways people show up for me

i feel like the world is calling to me, was that what i was being shown? i got a few sweet texts today independent from all this. it’s hard to internalize the good things people say about me & im frustrated that it’s become that way. i’m lucky i get all this. i’ve really just set myself in thinking i’m always in need of a correction or that it’s impossible for me to not to immediately overstep. it wasn’t always this way. it wasn’t always this way. people are trying to be gentle & i am going to try to believe them more

got invited to another fire, sundown now. drank more, but also forced myself to eat some dinner. the fire was nice. i feel like i creeped people out but it’s hard to tell. im so edgy now and i hate it. i’d been outside for most of the day at this point & was a little tired & i’d almost started crying while i was walking over which was stupid and almost embarrassing. but i’m glad i went to the fire! everyone loved halliwell. i was more standoffish and less funny than i’d like to be

talked to olive

walked home, it’s such a nostalgic walk and i feel it like a knife in my ribs. i’m living the the wreckage of some things and i need to know how to get out. it was brisk, but brisk like a spring night. the moon was low and huge and orange

today felt big and very full and like a lot was offered and i tried taking it all. i hope i did well. i feel (literally) filthy from a day of movement and sitting in the dirt and that feels good. i love my body & jacket carrying the scent of woodsmoke. halliwell is passed out next to me now. i am going to take a warm shower & in this exhaustion i hope i sleep well

i am going to try again tomorrow too

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[mausolealdrift]

Do you have a deathgasm notp??? Sincerely, a canon zakk/Medina was a fucking cosmic fuck up incident truther

oh you’re absolutely right i have So many thoughts about this. sorry this took me forever to answer i needed to collect all of my thoughts together and all of that i am Normal about Characters

so like . for obvious reasons the thought of ppl genuinely shipping zakk and medina as in like……… thinking theyd actually be good together or smthn is a fucking insane idea and im So very glad ive only seen maybe one person say some shit like that. (which like. honestly im starting to think i might have imagined the post in my head just to make myself mad bc i havent been able to find it since ??? but i SWEAR i saw someone shipping them once .) the two of em actually being in a relationship would just be. Awful and unhealthy for both of them

(and yeah zakk and brodie arent exactly healthy for each other either . but in the sense that they both make each other Worse yet neither of them can stay away from the other even if they want to etc etc. which is actually sexy and not just . y’know)

but anyway . yeah Definitely a cosmic fuck up. medina deserves better than that :( like she’s been objectified and treated like shit by pretty much every guy who looks her way and then zakk lies to her abt the one guy who actually respects her to manipulate her into hooking up w him. give her a BREAK

but as much as it was The dick move of the century i think zakk had his reasons for it aside from just boredom. Obviously this is all very much my personal and extremely biased interpretation etc. but i think it was out of frustration more than anything else because he just can’t fucking cope with having feelings for brodie. regardless of whether you see those feelings as romantic or not he Cares too much about him. and he doesn’t know how to handle that so he takes his anger and frustration out on medina in such a spiteful and destructive way because it’s all he knows how to do. and whether he knows why or not, the idea of brodie getting closer with medina bothers him so so deeply – enough for him to try and sabotage their relationship at every chance he gets (and then later trying to keep them apart to stop brodie finding out what he did because he doesn’t want to lose him) under the guise of just being bored or only caring about himself.

and i really don’t think there’s much of a possibility that he did it because he was into her, or jealous of brodie, or anything like that. zakk never showed interest in her at all until then (i.e. when she made a move to try and get closer with brodie) and just….. seemed generally pretty indifferent to her otherwise. if he really wanted to then he could’ve made a move before, but he didn’t.

he purposefully did something that he knew would hurt them both if they (inevitably) found out, maybe not because he genuinely wanted to hurt them but because he’s reckless and destructive in nature, (and maybe a little bit stupid sometimes), and just doesn’t know how else to handle or comprehend his feelings other than to take it out on other people.

i think a lot of the dickhead-ish shit zakk does in the movie seems kind of random and thoughtless and it’s difficult to unpick what his motivations are for the things he does aside from just ‘because’, but a lot of it starts to make a lot more sense when you see it as a result of him caring about brodie far more than he wants to, and not knowing how to handle it. he seems so cruel and uncaring, and he definitely wants to be seen that way, but i think he cares deeper than anyone else in his own (kind of incomprehensible) way. and yeah, it’s still shitty and selfish and fucked up, and he still took advantage of medina and used her regardless of why, but i dunno. i think the reasons for it were a lot more complex than he let on.

(again, maybe i’m reading too much into it all and he is just a fucking cunt who just did shitty things for no reason, but the fact that he still came back for brodie after everything, despite how mad he was, even though it led to him dying in the end, is more than enough to show that he really does care too much for his own good.)

so yeah uh. i don’t fucking know how this went from ‘yeah i think zakk/medina sucks’ to a full-on analysis of zakk. But i dont care actually i love being fucking insufferable about this stupid movie <3

sorry for the massive fucking wordvomit im tortured by the curse of Thinking about characters

[obxsprincess]

[TW- Fighting and arguing i gues]

So i am 18 and still live with my parents and it's a pain sometimes because my mother screamed at me and even made me cry just because I wanted to go out for ice cream alone with my cousin and didn't want to take my sister that is 4 years younger then us with me. According to her I have am crazy and according to my father I'm psycho and need help I genuinly feel like they love her more then me and when i tolld them this she only yelld more at me and calld me selfish And my mom has been trying to guilt Trip me into taking her with us for 4 days now and today when i gave in she just fucking yelld at me like how can i make her happy?! Can i even make her happy?! I just don't understand why she Shows me so much love sometimes and the next second Acts like she hates me it hurts so much And i really just want to make her proud because i feel like i have to earn her love you know and i swear i am trying so hard and when i tell her i need a break or that i am tired she just tells me that she does way more then i do and that i don't have any reasons to be tired or Burnd out.

Sorry for the little dump i just didn't know who to tell this and i needed to get it of my chest i don't expect an answer by the way and i am sorry for taking away your time

first and foremost you are completely valid for not wanting to bring your little sister bby!!! I have a younger sister and tho I love her to the moon and back, its more babysitting than anything, which is just hard to commit to a lot of the times — and it was your time with your cousin so 100% your call to make!! im always worried I come off as selfish but I hope its comforting to know I truly understand how fucked up conditional love is, and your so so fucking strong for pushing through my love 💞💗 in my experience I was always convinced it was my fault. when I fit his mold/or complied to how I was treated instead of standing up for myself I was adored, but that at any moment it could be taken away and flipped right infront of my face, it’s truly so mentally exhausting and from parents nonetheless, we deserve better (for me it was my dad) but ever since moving out I’ve realized how wrong it is, and bby love isn’t earned <3 a parents duty is to give love unconditionally always, and if she doesn’t fill her role that is NEVER your fault, no matter how much she may make you feel like it’s your job to ‘gain’ her approval or acceptance its not — shes your mother and in such her duty to love your without limits, never blame yourself beautiful for her under comings. despite how she treats or what she ever tells you, bby you are enough and always have been. and you are so loved, if not always by her (sometimes parents just don’t express love in the right ways too, this dosent make your hurt any less valid though <3) by your little sister that looks up to your every day for pushing through — by the person who dosent say it but your the reason THEIR pushing through, whether its your closest friend or a distant mutual that admires your strength from afar <3 I just wish someone would have told me that love isn’t earned, and your doing amazing my love i know how truly fucking hard it is, you deserve the world NEVER ever say sorry for coming in my inbox to just let go for a few minutes dear, I can relate so much to your struggle and I hate how often being treated like this is downplayed. im just a collage girl on the internet but I’m always here to listen 💗

[justtypeshit]

Who am I kidding, yeah im impatient, but our thing is dead before it started and its all me now. I hope its ok to use this like a journal with that little bit of a feeling that comes with it not being hidden under my bed. Anyway im struggling, you all know why and maybe are feeling it too. I wish i knew how you are coping with the loss. Is there an easier way

Its been enough time that i feel bad telling the people in my life it hurts still. In real life i worry about being selfish. But here i can be selfish. It sux, im sad. I want to talk about everything all the time. I want to think about her all the time but i feel like im not allowed or something.

Im lonely. Sometimes I think shes with me but right now im so lonely. Sometimes i worry shes with me and im making her feel bad. I hate typing that. I dont want her to know. I hope shes happy and trusts us all to love and miss and hurt without worrying for us or feeling troubled.

I also worry about my family. I dont know what its like to lose a mother or the love of your life. If its like this for me, how are they able to hide it so well. How do they get out of bed? Is it ok the difference between outside and in or is that bad for them? Is something going to break? Its not like i can or feel like i should or want to stomp in but worrying is where i live. What if what if. I wish i could make everything ok and bring her back in some way but also without disturbing any happiness and comfort shes found. She deserves rest and paradise.

Im scared for my family. What if what if. But also what if they are coping healthily and im just projecting. I dont know how to end this. I dont even think i paired the right words with my thoughts and feelings. I get why we dont write anymore now

[mr-s3lfdestruct]

I can’t say anything, this is my own doing. Why haven’t I been fixed yet? I’m trying so hard, I’ve been pushing myself to my literal breaking point to provide for them and it’s not even. It’s not enough, not even close to what I should be giving.

What kind of biological error needs to be made to make a person this horrifically obsolete? Do you know what happens to animals in nature when they’re like this? They die, simple as that. Unfortunately I’ve been given the chance and the luxury of my uselessness not getting me killed, but that isn’t saying I don’t deserve it. If I can’t contribute, why even bother keeping myself alive anymore? I’ve already proven that im too selfish for this world.

But I won’t do it, I refuse to out of what? Fear? Laziness? It’s terrifying, sure, but why can’t I bring myself to it? It’s how I’d benefit them the most. I’m a pest more than anything, like a fly that flies through your window and for whatever reason can’t make its way out, that or a mosquito which is more fitting considering how I leech off of others like I don’t pay rent. Animals that are useless benefit others the most by dying, that’s just how it works.

I can’t do it, I won’t do it, I just. I’m so scared. I’m so tired. I don’t want to die, I honestly, wholeheartedly and truthfully really don’t, but that makes me so incredibly selfish. I’m greedy for clinging onto this life, im greedy for using my energy to keep myself alive rather than benefiting others.

Maybe I was right all alone to be used like that? Maybe it’s how I benefited others best, sitting back and taking whatever I deemed “mistreatment” when in reality it was probably what I had coming. I deserved to be cheated on, I deserved to be verbally abused and berated, I deserved to have my body used, I deserved the abandonment and ghosting, I deserved all of it. I had a purpose, and that purpose was to serve until they were done with me, then I’d be passed onto the next.

I’m single use, that’s what I am. Why aren’t they treating me like that if they know that’s how im used best? Why am I not being abused and neglected? Why am I being treated like im human? I feel like im being used wrong, being loved is so genuinely terrifying to me because I know deep down I don’t deserve it. Not when I’m not making myself useful, not when im exhausted and letting myself rest.

I’m genuinely the scum of the earth, no doubt about it. Being left out of things is nothing compared to the abuse I’ve suffered through before, yet it has that same aching to it, which is so cruel for me to say, so hurtful to them because it’s not their fault, it’s my fault for not being receptive enough, it’s my fault for not providing and having the energy to come up with things myself, it’s mh fault for seeming uninterested when in reality im just tired, that or im too scared to say anything out of fear of intruding

Because that’s what I am, im intrusive, im invasive, I leech off of others with nothing to provide myself. Why does my mind go blank when I try to come up with things to say in return? Why can’t I find the right words to describe my ideas? I’m a square peg in a round hole, I simply don’t belong, maybe it’s not my thing, maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to come up with things, maybe im useless.

I have so many ideas with fish it’s insane but. I don’t talk about any of them, it’s not my place. If I can’t provide and be receptive to other people’s ideas, do you know how incredibly selfish it is to bring up my own things? Maybe that’s why im not included, maybe that’s why im never told things anymore, I simply can’t provide. I’ve been squeezed dry, I’m used to being single use, I can’t keep up with this, I can’t constantly provide because im used to my body and mh mind being used as a one and done type of deal.

I’m so exhausted, im so tired, I crave love and affection and I crave to be spoiled and taken care of but lord knows that’s the farthest thing from what I deserve. Loving me is a chore, and im a horrible person for giving anyone that task.

I’m so fucking tired, what the actual fuck is wrong with me, I can’t do this anymore

[cyanlastride]

today was a fantastic day. a story that i will be sure to tell for the rest of my life.

and yet still i am not satisfied.

what exactly is it that i want? i think perhaps ive forgotten, at some point in my life. yes, i knew it once, im sure of it.

to be seen. am i so selfish? to take part in such an astounding event, and still be disappointed that i was not the main character? am i so self-absorbed? i hope not. i really do hope not.

i wouldnt want to be the focus of an event like today, why would i even think that? id break down and become a total mess. and i did enjoy today, really i did. so what is it?

to be seen. i am happy, and joyous. i am not any less scared.

i have no reason to fear. i helped today, and i have gotten along well these past few days. what am i so afraid of?

i fear alone. thats what it always comes back to, right? perhaps its the same today.

im scared that getting along with these people and being able to help them is not enough. i am scared that if i were to leave, they would go on as normal. thats such a cruel thought, isnt it? to wish to be irreplaceable. it is to wish to hurt.

they didnt need me today. i didnt stumble, or get in the way, and in fact i helped and made the event a little bit more joyous. but they didnt need me. had i not been there, it wouldve gone on just the same.

and why should they need me? why should my absence be missed? so i can hold it above them, as a threat? you disgust me. you do not deserve them, if you think like this.

i suppose it really is simple at the end of the day. i desperately want to be wanted. and yet i let down anyone who dares to trust me. how am i still not over this? i let myself down at every opportunity. work is measured in results, not intents. all i have is force, and nothing to show for it.

thats not true. you have learned things, despite your insistence to not see them. perhaps it is time to force yourself to see what youve done. see that theres a lot more good than bad. see yourself.

to be seen. see yourself, first.

[xxtunnelvisionxx]

So what's the outcome?

Frankly where do I begin? Ever since I had to overdrive my brains and sit the fuck down and tell myself "I have to change my mindset." Things were more bad then good. I've dealt with so much of issues and horrific chapters in my life in the past but this chapter has definitely got to be the hardest at the point of me composing this blog post.

I've toned my actions down and for once in my life, I've been understanding. I look at the bigger picture rather be near sighted, thinking that it would benefit me or be much more positive for my mental health and for life in general. But what do I get in exchange for trying to be a better person?

SHIT.

Yeah shit is what I got. I'm not going to sugar coat my words and say that I'm very innocent and I never did anything wrong or I'm an angel. I do admit that I'm fucked up in my own ways. I'm still human. So it leads me to my next point.

What do I do? Do I continue and be a pushover? Be a yes man? Or do I fight fire with fire? Because all the options stated above, would lead to a toxic outcome in the long run and eventually in the end, nothing good will happen.

One example.

Parents. They put up with you and tolerate the shit we do. Why? Love. And it's not their duty to "Love" they could just wash their hands and give up. Rightfully they don't have to "Love" their children. But they do it anyways. Why? LOVE.

Which brings me to my main point.

What do I do? I know communication is key and it's vital in every relationship. But if I'm being selfish and tell myself " If you're not gonna change, then I'm leaving " that's wrong and also correct at the same time am I right?

I'm wrong because, every human deserves to be given the opportunity to change and if I just give up easily means that I truly don't love the person. But needless to say, people do have limits and breaking point.

I'm correct because, I'm human too, flesh and blood. If I find it's toxic for ME, I'm leaving, but like how our our parents loved us and stod by our side through thick and thin, im willing to do so. BUT. But in lif, we all want the best for ourselves and those around. Nobody wants to be a loser. So am I wrong if I wanted to "upgrade myself," you know? Carry less emotional baggage around. No, right?

Oh fuck me.

I knew the answer all this while but I'm in denial. I know what's best for me. I know what to do.

Love yourself. Be happy. ❤️

[keefwho]

July 02 - 2023 Sunday

8:34 AM

Another shit Sunday spent alone wondering how I went so wrong and ended up all by myself. Please kill me.

Im just digging myself deeper and deeper into the belief that no one cares about me as much as I care about them. I see so much evidence. I’m tired of having to gaslight myself into believing otherwise. I don’t blame anyone though, look at me. Who would want anything to do with a loser like me? I haven’t changed since high school. Still just the same bozo ruining everything around me. 

Can’t wait until tomorrow when I get to remind myself how shit I am at drawing and how hard I’ve failed at improving. And it’s at the expense of someone else’s wallet. How fucking shitty am I

Maybe I also have a habit of wanting attention from people who don’t give a shit about me.

9:29 AM

Maybe tomorrow I’ll pick myself back up and try to gaslight myself into thinking I’m okay. 

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m trying to ignore all my socials because it hurts seeing them empty. But I know when I turn them back on later and I still have no messages, it’ll hurt even more. I always do this. It’s a way to convince myself that people don’t care. 

9:59 AM

I’m always the one that fucks relationships up, friend or otherwise. I’m the one that makes things weird. I’m not fit to be with anyone, even just a friend. 

It breaks my heart to know I will always be moved on from. People will always find someone better. I don’t want to live in a world like this. I just wish I could be worthy of anything. 

10:20 AM

I refuse to un-isolate myself until I can behave fairly. I’m tired of sabotaging everything. I can’t do that if I keep my destructive self away from everything. Personal problems HAVE to be handled alone. It’s no one else’s business.

I crave attention. I crave the feeling that I’m not alone. But I don’t want to give into it, because I am alone. It’s not healthy trying to convince myself otherwise.

11:04 AM

How do I know if I’m being unfair to myself? Isn’t it right for me to accept people’s help and compassion? But what if I’m misusing it? 

Am I supposed to be doing something right now to help myself or can I just give up for now

11:59 AM

I barely have the will to hold myself up. I want to lay down and never move again. 

12:32 PM

I am in so much pain. I can’t imagine belonging anywhere. I’m so detached from everything. I hope I feel good enough soon to come out of my isolation and reach out. But I have to make sure I’m not using anyone to keep me afloat. 

I’ve had such bad form this weekend and been so very selfish. I shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, not how I am right now. It is not deserved. 

1:19 PM

In the effort of not giving up I’m just letting myself feel everything right now. And I rant about it here. If I get stronger then tomorrow I will try to re-read and dissect everything. I know there are ways for me to overcome these problems if only I have the courage to try. But right now I’m all out of everything. 

Its all about how I want to be. There isn’t a “right” way to carry myself, only the way I choose. When I think about people’s dynamics and what is “unhealthy”, it really is case by case. 2 people could be completely dependent on each other which I think objectively is a fragile system but if it happens to work out their whole lives then it was a good thing. Relying on other people to pick me up could work out if they are always there to do it and it isn’t a drain on them. That would be a stable system. Or I could be completely independent, a loner who partakes in the company of others. Honestly I don’t think I want to be that, I want to depend and be depended on. I don’t want me or my friends to easily abandon each other just because we don’t need each other. I want to be needed and I want to need. There is a healthy way to do that. 

2:12 PM

If I’m still not ready by tomorrow, I will at least have to open Discord for commissions. I’m trying very hard not to make an excuse to get that attention that will only be used to bandaid my problems. If anyone even messaged, it would be hard not to check it but I’ll see when I get there. 

I have a lot of good things in my life I want to fight for. Feeling how I do right now is something I have to carry with me and make known. Things will only slip away from me if I let them. I know what my true desires are. I want to hold onto everything. I can earn my place. I can fight for what I want even if I fall like I did this weekend. Whether I like it or not, everything I’ve felt the past couple days is a part of me. I was there for it and it was me. The best thing I can do is acknowledge it and roll with it’s punches instead of ignoring it and suddenly taking it all head on. 

I always worry people will not understand this about me. That they won’t understand I come with baggage but it’s baggage I intend to do something about. I would take anyone that does the same, as long as they are fighting it. I know I am fighting it and it’s up to others to understand that.

3:33 PM

As much as I need a chat, I want to make sure I am in the right headspace for one. I also refuse to burden certain individuals during such an important event, that is honestly selfish of me. I can wait.

Im still avoiding myself. But maybe I’m almost ready to pick myself back up. But I still believe deep down that everything will go wrong. Unfortunately I have to face those fears. I can dig myself out of this and I know it. I think my vision is clouded. I don’t have friendships that are on the decline. I have dedicated friends that need me to be my best. Friends that cheer me on. I won’t come back to a cold shoulder, I will come back to open arms and understanding. If only I can echo that back to myself. 

Im finding it hard to eat because of all this depression and stress. Best I can do is treat myself to a nice little lunch. Really take my time and care with it. 

4:01 PM

What upsets me about something and what can I do about it? I forget I have the power to change things. If I see a dirty surface, I can clean it. If I see something in me I don’t approve of, I can behave in a way to disincentivise it. If I see a problem with someone, I can talk to them about it. 

4:35 PM

I can’t in good faith talk to anyone unless I’m in touch with myself first. I’ve done that too much, it means I’m not giving them the proper attention as respect they deserve as another person. It makes it easy for me to misuse their generosity. I know what it’s like to know who I am and connect with others so I know what my goal is and feels like. I want to bring my whole self to any interaction. It only seems responsible. I might not always catch myself though. 

I was looking at old VRchat pics with the intent of remember that I was in fact there, and so were they. We were both there. And we are both somewhere now. That makes me feel good and reminds me of what it means to be me. I think I am ready. I hope I’m not rushing myself. 

Even when I feel like I wasn’t there, I was. Like how yesterday everything I felt and did, it didn’t seem like “me”. But it was. What I’m experiencing is me trying to cling onto what I think I SHOULD be which is someone that doesn’t do or feel those things. But I did do that, it was part of me. I felt those things. I can’t forget that through it all I am there and everything I do makes me, me. 

7:09 PM

I feel volatile again. I just don’t want to feel alone. I want to know someone cares and not just because they are doing it for my own sake. I’m so afraid I’m at the end of the road, how can keep the friends I have and make new ones? How can I accept love? 

[trans-harlequin]

okay ya know what? At some point, im gonna make a big post relating to this. I should probably let my followers (who for some reason like me, you're making a big fucking mistake) know what's going in my life right now. Here's a sneak peek: I cry myself to sleep every night, my father's physically abused me three times in the last 2 months, and I haven't felt safe or happy since last year. Believe it or not, being called selfish finally triggered me to speak out about this. Because I am selfish. My pursuit of a safe place to live and the ability to be proud of myself have led me into pushing away my father. I should just try and forgive him, because his transphobia and homophobia is probably just because he loves me or something, and i'm likely just escalating this too far. I'm only stressed because I try to have time for myself, and that's my fault. I genuinely should just prioritize school over all of this useless "free time" because none of it makes me fucking happy anyways. Doesn't help that I keep trying to throw myself into one romance after another and I always come out dishevelled and heartbroken. Doesn't help that I don't feel loved, and that all my irl friends don't talk to me anymore, and it doesn't help that people only act nice to me online when I make music for their characters. It's my fault and I just need to keep punching myself and punishing myself until I get the point. Fuck anyone who dares say I'm "being too hard on myself" or something. genuinely FUCK you because i'm FINE and EVERYONE does this. I just need to keep pushing myself because I don't deserve any breaks and i'm not even a good friend so why does it matter if I never feel like I have any huh? why does it matter that making music doesn't make me happy anymore and i dont feel safe anywheer huh??? HUH????? WHY DOES IT FUCKING MATTER HUH??? I"M SICK OF THIs shit i'm honestly going to fucking kill myself it's not like anybody likes me here aside from my stupid fucking deltarune memes

someone remind me to not talk to people again i just end up wanting to actually fucking kill myself because of how much i live up to the "clown" in my username