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If I'm being honest.
Well well well, let's just jump right into context here.
After my incarnation, I rekindled the relationship with my First Love and things we're rather smooth and it was fine and dandy AT FIRST.
I'm going into details of the nature of the relationship but after 9 months things we're rocky and we ended things just around 1 Year & 2 Months. With that that said and done let me shift the story to the main thing we're all reading this blog.
I caught feelings for a particular girl that took has feelings for me. I confessed and she accepted. This is where I should have told myself to actually think what was I doing and rushing Into a relationship so fast right but NO.
Now I'm contemplating and having the feeling/assumption she's still can't get over her EX, I mean I'm not a guy that's super controlling but there an fine line between Jealousy and Controlling alright. So here's what I wanna say. I caught her lying to me Multiply times and Chatting with Guys behind my back and when confronted she gave me ridiculous excuses in hopes "I won't get jealous" well okay whatever. Now let's shift back to her Toxic Ex of her.
Just a few days ago her Deadbeat Ex was let out of incarceration and things were different ever since then FIY her ex me and her met up with her ex and had a conversation of staying away from eachother and to basically set some ground rules and all. Just today night I saw her reading old notes and letters of them both while there were together, not going to sugar-coat my words here but i was downright confused, upset and felt like my thoughts running, so I asked her what were you reading and she can't answer me,so I read the contents of the letters, and I was just speachles as why is she still reading the letters? You still have something for him? You miss his words? When my ex and I was over , I immediately deleted everything we had and stopped "reminiscing the past" anyway whatsoever.
It's maybe I'm an idiot to believe that this will work in the long run, but whatever it is, I'm not gonna let this negativity ruin my mindset. I may be used and taken a ride like a fool but one thing for sure my dear is , I'll never ever treat you like how you treated me.
I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, cheated, broken and lied to, but it still works
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So what's the outcome?
Frankly where do I begin? Ever since I had to overdrive my brains and sit the fuck down and tell myself "I have to change my mindset." Things were more bad then good. I've dealt with so much of issues and horrific chapters in my life in the past but this chapter has definitely got to be the hardest at the point of me composing this blog post.
I've toned my actions down and for once in my life, I've been understanding. I look at the bigger picture rather be near sighted, thinking that it would benefit me or be much more positive for my mental health and for life in general. But what do I get in exchange for trying to be a better person?
SHIT.
Yeah shit is what I got. I'm not going to sugar coat my words and say that I'm very innocent and I never did anything wrong or I'm an angel. I do admit that I'm fucked up in my own ways. I'm still human. So it leads me to my next point.
What do I do? Do I continue and be a pushover? Be a yes man? Or do I fight fire with fire? Because all the options stated above, would lead to a toxic outcome in the long run and eventually in the end, nothing good will happen.
One example.
Parents. They put up with you and tolerate the shit we do. Why? Love. And it's not their duty to "Love" they could just wash their hands and give up. Rightfully they don't have to "Love" their children. But they do it anyways. Why? LOVE.
Which brings me to my main point.
What do I do? I know communication is key and it's vital in every relationship. But if I'm being selfish and tell myself " If you're not gonna change, then I'm leaving " that's wrong and also correct at the same time am I right?
I'm wrong because, every human deserves to be given the opportunity to change and if I just give up easily means that I truly don't love the person. But needless to say, people do have limits and breaking point.
I'm correct because, I'm human too, flesh and blood. If I find it's toxic for ME, I'm leaving, but like how our our parents loved us and stod by our side through thick and thin, im willing to do so. BUT. But in lif, we all want the best for ourselves and those around. Nobody wants to be a loser. So am I wrong if I wanted to "upgrade myself," you know? Carry less emotional baggage around. No, right?
Oh fuck me.
I knew the answer all this while but I'm in denial. I know what's best for me. I know what to do.
Love yourself. Be happy. ❤️
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i wanna push everyone away from me so i can kill myself alone without anyone noticing
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What goes around comes around?
Well honestly it keeps me up most nights. Yeah I know. You reap what you sow. Eventually this karma or bad omen will definitely bite me back one day. I'm always thinking if the what if's.
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My lowest point in 4 years 3 months.
Have you ever been frozen in time? Stuck in reality and living in denial?
What if I told you, your life was going well,you had everything you could have ever asked for, a loving girlfriend, very good income, staycations for weeks on end, having the best wine and dine that money could ever purchase, happiness and the word "stress" was a word that seems to no longer exists.
Life was like a princess fairy tale story.
Fucking blew it.
One fine day, you're on the way to ur 2nd job after a 8 hour night shift and just surviving everyday, JUST on power naps and energy drinks.
The phone rings and it's your partner, and on the other end all you hear the anxiousness, and the shivers from her tone, everything was about to come crash down, you pulled out of the flow of traffic during rush hour and consoled her while trying to gather as much information at the same time. After much confusion and anxiousness, the news was finally delivered... Thoes 6 words echoed and instantly, the hustle and bustle of the rush hour and everything that you were doing and thinking just seem to stopped. It was at the very exact moment, you knew this time, you're fucked. Shit just got real and you knew you were bout to fight a losing battle.
Mmmmm... what the fuck are we gonna do now. Ya?
So long story shot, you were given a chance and after nearly a month, they just decided to change their minds and be quick to make decisions that was gonna be life altering, but there was FUCK ALL that you could do.
In the span of 1 month, you were stripped away from EVERY FUCKUNG GOD DAMN THUNG
Freedom
Love
Business just tanked.
Empire just crumbled
The amount of stress and issue just surfaced all at once and you're caught off guard, totally flabbergasted.
The entire savings you had was used prior to the incident that just occurred.
This time you're fucked and before you new it, life just scooped you up , chewed you up and spat you out. You're left with just the memories and fucking regrets.
You have no choice to await for her return and just have to deal with everything on your own.
Its hard for her as she's forced to be in a box for a year. What a fucking ride it was.
I'm just utterly speechless that life can be so fucking unpredictable and uncalled for.
Always be the best version of your self. Wake up knowing you have to be better then who you were yesterday.
Don't take things for granted folks.
Yesterday was history and Tommrow is a mystery
Today is the present. Enjoy it to the fullest and make no regrets.
The old me has just came back to live. It's back and this time the crave for pain and blood and utter self destruction is real.
The pain I feel for you and the days leading up is un forgivable on my end, I'm sorry I wasn't strict and firm. I've let us down. It's time to face the music on my own terms.
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