#like.. this isn't worth my time anymore
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finally went to the trouble of getting sims 3 & 4 downloaded on my steam deck and got literally about ten minutes in before i realised i'm not fuckin running that shit on my steam deck lmao. it's not fun enough to justify running the fan that much and heating it up like that for even 4 hours. even bg3 runs better. people have killed computers with sims games because they heat your shit up so bad. i'm not doing it to a device i value. so i guess i'll delete them now lol. 🥴
#it told me not to run more than a couple of my $20 expansion packs at a time so i won't break the game#and then it told me that if i make a save with certain packs if i change packs later it'll slightly bust it#and then the loading screen took forever which reminded me of how when i'd been playing it a lot sometimes it would take 20+ minutes#because the more you play the harder it is to open#and the fan started blasting and did not stop#the graphics didn't look good anymore and i couldn't quite scale the ui like i wanted#like.. this isn't worth my time anymore#i'm 28#it's a miracle when i can sit down to play anything#i'm not playing this stupid shit!!#i guess i'm over it#my self-esteem is too high now lmao#adam yaps
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We want to destroy my mother. (insp by @dadrielle)
#critical role#criticalroleedit#imogen temult#liliana temult#laura bailey#matthew mercer#gifs#*#*cr#cr3#cr spoilers#angst tag#cr meta#*meta#scheduled#3h12m c3e88#18m c3e12#3h17m c3e42#3h42m c3e51#4h20m c3e51#1h35m c3e49#i think this gifset might be a little bit unfair to liliana from a third party perspective but#i think it's Very Real for imogen. to feel like she reached out so many times and the loyalty there was so fucking flimsy#barely there to begin with and then gone in an instant as everything turned to red mist#thinking about how laura on 4sd a while ago said imogen is so fucking sick of it she's sick of having that hope#her reality is that her mother no longer has any loyalty to her and the pain of thinking she does isn't worth it anymore#:((((#'help me.' 'this is for the best.' breaks my H E A R T :(((((((((#and matt's fucking Smile afterward. speaks a thousand words#thanks rj for the discord message that kicked this off!!!
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Gibeon ruining his relationships partly out of grief over what happened in the past with Lucius, or Gibeon acting the way he does and doing everything because he knows exactly the type of man Lucius is, and knows he won't break a promise or die so easily, and believes he is still alive out there somewhere..
#going insane over lucius and gibeon. it will happen again (promise)#both flavors are very good..#for the longest time my train of thought was more 'gibeon thinks lucius isn't alive anymore'#but now i'm like. maybe he is actually acting like that partly out of his belief that lucius is still alive#and maybe he is just desperate to see him again!! there isn't much time left!#(current train of thought is that gibeon's motivations have to do with wanting to see lucius again and settle things with him)#(whatever that means. i think they were friends who maybe had a disagreement over the rakurium or something..)#anyway.#gibeon ruining his family over some pretty man he befriended decades ago is sooo. it's soo good.#pushing his own son away and later on hurting his own grandson (amethio) because of the past#is it worth it gibeon! do you think lucius would want to see you like that. or are you in so deep that you don't care anymore#the thought that maybe lucius is still alive and stuck in rakua because of what happened with gibeon#so like. maybe these two are keeping each other alive ww what is wrong with them <3#(we still need to know the whole truth but in the meantime i'll entertain these thoughts)#lucius#gibeon#hz071#character notes#episode notes
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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"This show is SO good, you should watch it!!"
I gotta be honest. If I look at a character list on Wikipedia and get five characters down without seeing a single woman, it's probably not for me.
#I have no patience for 'there is exactly one woman in the main/supporting cast' anymore#unless the writing is INCREDIBLE and the themes are explored with a type of depth and nuance I can't get anywhere else (like shiki)#(daily media plug for shiki)#then I just. probably will not vibe with it. if there are no women. (also shiki DOES have interesting female characters in it)#and this isn't to say that like. things involving men or talking about men or that have a male protagonist are Not Worth#My Time that is NOT what I'm saying at all. I just want like. several women. who show up and affect the story. like LITERALLY that is all I#am asking for. I feel like that's just. the bare minimum. but alas.#mel screams about fictional ladies again#there are plenty of things that are male-character-focused that I enjoy and even genuinely think are good! but I do want people to#ask themselves why they aren't willing to go to bat for media that DOES have more women in the cast than men.#(I mean. the answer is misogyny. but I want people to be. aware of that. and evaluate accordingly)#(evaluate meaning 'acknowledge I have some biases I need to continue deconstructing' not 'drop interest in everything tumblr#user musical-chick-13 personally doesn't like')#I feel like so many times we get trapped in this space between overcorrection via 'don't like ANYTHING that's pRoBLeMaTiC in ANY way'#and people taking the 'it's fiction it's not that deep' to the conclusion of 'because I cannot actually hurt fictional characters because#they're not real that means I am incapable of hurting irl people when they talk about those characters'#like there is. nuance here. there is a middle ground. and most people have NO interest in finding it lmao#and like...if you carry your biases from irl (which EVERYONE HAS. INCLUDING ME. COURTESY OF LIVING IN A PREJUDICED SOCIETY.) into a#direct and one-to-one evaluation of stories or characters that allow you to exercise those biased ideas. then that reinforces those biases#like. no hating...for example every anime lady isn't the same as structural misogyny like the pay gap or anti-women violence#but if you automatically associate the idea of 'female character' with 'lesser-than' it strengthens the already-present societal idea that#women are not as important or dynamic or worthy of support and attention as their male peers. if you are willing to see every (white)#fictional man as having interiority and depth but struggle to see that in any fictional woman then it adds to the things society is already#telling us about women. it creates an association of 'women' with 'inferiority' and uh. that's what misogyny is.#it is not the same as misogynistic crimes against irl women but it IS a reflection of the rhetoric and societal impulses that lead to them#and even if it's a reflection and not the actual thing. it's still important to break down and examine and reevaluate because#if we don't examine our OWN biases. then even if we tear down the greater oppressive structure we'll just end up building it back up again#no your thousands of words of m/m fanfiction or liking late 2000s shonen anime isn't responsible for misogyny nor are these things#inherently misogynistic. I just want like. some acknowledgement that something being 'for fun' doesn't automatically mean that bias/#prejudice is nowhere to be found
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Searching for overseas musician autobiographies that are NOT Keith Richards or a KISS member in the middle nowhere of French countryside thrift shops is like searching for a needle in the middle of a haystack
#sorry i can't stop talking about my holy grail (bob henrit's book)#but it's out of print. unavailable on ebay. nowhere to be seen on amazon. zilch on vinted. and i'm not british so it's extra hard to find it#i swear if i find it i'm making it my entire personality and i'll be insufferable for months#and even then... the bands i like are either unpopular or their books weren't translated (yet)#and i'm only talking about second hand since it's where i usually get books since i'm too used to not spending much#i can easily find books by more popular musicians (nick mason. neil young. dave grohl) first-hand in shops#but it's because their books were translated in french. and language plays a large part in availability#i have yet to check if the davies brothers' books are on vinted though#and even if i try to gather my courage and try to buy things through the net (or even physically)#there's this thing where my mother drilled through my head to not impulse buy (i'm very prone to that)...#except that now i struggle to differentiate impulse buys and things i genuinely want. so i just don't buy and think for months#and by the time i made my decision they're not here anymore and i get depressed because i think i should have trusted my gut#(i spent an entire year eyeing a weki meki album once because my mother refused to get it for me since she thought it was an impulse buy#ended up getting it for myself after i got the pass culture... trusted my gut and i had an inclusion of my bias in it)#and i feel i have to tell my mother about everything i want to buy so i can get her approval#... which can be a double-edged knife as she has knowledge but also she has a very “money-saving” mindset and doesn't like spending much#on things she doesn't consider are worth for their price. whereas i have a more “as long as i get it” mindset (which isn't a good thing)#..#sorry i got carried away 😭#you don't have to read all of this
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thinking about this but: on the divide between amanita / yvonne, nita tries to separate herself from her life as yvonne because she feels she is no longer worthy of the name / life connected to it. in her mind, she survived & thus that means she is deserving of life, but not that life if that makes sense? she failed as yvonne & her choosing a new name is her Essentially burying herself & using it as emotional compost
#ooc.#hc.#Thinkin Bout Her#thinking about this divide also being a sort of Defense mechanism so that she CAN learn a new way of life#bcs she knows she isn't Worth the life she used to live anymore#which shifts over time she learns to life in & as apart of the world but it's not like a linear process#especially after growing up with the mentality of prioritizing the individual it's difficult to shift into that being apart of a whole#i wanna break it down someday it's rotating in my brain like a chicken rn#she still likes to do things on her own & sort of uses being alone as a barrier between herself & things she doesn't understand#& it is easier to be alone when you are someone new to the world#idk if ANY of this makes sense to anyone but me but i am gnawing on these thoughts
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Its been 6 hours since I walked out of the theater, and I'm still crying about Barbie like holy shit
#first of all aroace barbie for the win#second of all. I can't believe how much this movie has just made me realise how both wonderful and horrible it is to be a woman#how wonderful it is to be feminine and pretty and to love things that sparkle and things that glitter and how much drive and power we have#as women who are so driven and so hardworking and who are so confident in how they see themselves#but also#this fucking patriarchy#being a woman is enough grounds for some people to immeadtly see us as not worthy of being human#like getting human treatment is something to be earned and how dare we ask for anything more than the acknowledgement of our existence#god it hurts#to be so powerless but knowing the power is within us all and we can't be stepped on anymore#and if I had a nickel for every time a Billie Ellish song made me cry for days on end I'd have two nickels#maybe three#whish isn't a lot but its valid that it happened thrice#I'm gonna be thinking about this movie for so long#maybe I need to watch Oppenheimer to cleanse my head of these thoughts of self worth#please go watch it#barbie 2023
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#anyway um happy thursday i hope y'all are havin a great day thx for following me and dealing with my antics i rlly appreciate you all so mu#esp all my beloved moots y'all are so so precious to me#anyway don't keep reading unless you wanna know what goes on in my dumb idiot brain all the time#i would simply love to not be in pain and suffering anymore#i feel like i'm never going to feel well again#and idk how much longer i can keep going like this#like this life is not so great that it balances out the absolute suffering i endure#so .#why am i doing it??#i never expected to live this long to begin with which is cool whatever like i chose to keep living#but i also expect to have a short life because of my health and my genes#and there's been some comfort in that where i feel a sense of ease knowing i'm not trapped in this life and there is an end#but so far my life has been that i am in poor enough health is seriously disrupts my life but only mildly disables me and does not actually#pose a risk to my ability to stay alive#like none of my health issues are fatal or life threatening in any way#they just seriously make it HARD to live and thrive and bc of that i'm like in disability limbo#and i don't wanna do it anymore#and trust me when i say i have thought soooooo much on it and am TRYING to make it worth it i am TRYING to make this life livable#i just can't keep living like this and my options rn are very limited#i want to ... so bad yet i keep trying and it just really really isn't worth it in my eyes#i don't know much longer i can hold on. i don't think i want to much longer#hikey#talks from ur local sexy psycho <3#disabled lyfe
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YEAH........... YEAH..... LIKEWISE, NO NOTES AT ALL, THAT'S EXACTLY IT... Main antagonist deaths are often treated as "comeuppance," but that would be the ultimate comeuppance for Aoki. As it stands, the only people who actually suffer for it are Ichiban and Jo, and Ichi didn't even do anything wrong. Also please I'm positive there's more to wring out of Aoki and Jo for an essay 😭😭at the very least, I always love to hear your perspective!
"he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence" <- incredibly Mine-core of Aoki btw (I also feel the rest applies a little in terms of Mine probably being very quick to write off people who Do care about him as not caring about him, as with Katase, but it's nowhere near the extent of the Arakawas)
Wait actually it's kind of funny... for both Mine and Aoki, I was so sure their endings would go a certain way. Mine and Kiryu'd fight Richardson off together and Ichi'd, I don't know, shield Aoki or hug him so Kume couldn't get to him in the first place, or after that INSANE direct parallel to Arakawa running to the hospital with Masato, he'd miraculously pull through like he did on New Year's. Tormented with visions of the better timeline... With Aoki in particular, it makes me want to tear my hair out because the moment of him choosing to put the gun in the locker was REVOLUTIONARY for the series, looking at the characters he was most heavily based on.
Anyway. Bottom line. These bitches need to hug it out. It was so evil Arakawa didn't hug Ichi at Omi HQ or on the waterfront like bro stop being """manly""" for five seconds you're ruining my life you're ruining your own lives
There'd genuinely be nothing more painful yet more satisfying for an antagonist than being confronted with the consequences of their actions and having to navigate life after having making those decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to mending the bonds that- for anyone else- would have shattered long ago. With Aoki being motivated by the want to be loved and appreciated for himself, it would've been nice to see him finally acknowledge that he did have that love and start to better himself as a result (however much he'd be able to while in prison anyway lmao).
The Mine and Aoki comparisons are so real though, I remember joking to myself about it days after beating the game but it just fuels my mental illness every time I think about it ☠️ I LEGALLY AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO OFF ABOUT THE Y7 ENDING I'VE DONE IT TOO MUCH it makes me so mad every time I think about it 😭 ESPECIALLY THE PARALLELS WITH ARAKAWA AND THE LOCKERS UGGGHHH IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH AN EPIC CONCLUSION WITH THAT... Arakawa running from the lockers at the start of Aoki's life compared to Ichiban running from the lockers and getting Aoki to the hospital so Aoki can restart life I'm Going To Kill Someone (myself) (in Minecraft)
#snap chats#theres a note here about aoki's self hatred and ergo his inability to believe people could love him without 'worth'#and some kind of. I Dont Know occurs that comes with aoki accepting that love and ergo At Least Tolerating himself#and again becoming better as a person as a result. not WHOLLY you cant undo Everything Wrong With Him with one therapy session#but itd at least be a start and thats far more than anything else rgg has given since like. ryuji in dead souls#but w/e i- as per usual- have the vocabulary of a walrus so we're just gonna have to imagine i said something profound#AND THE LACK OF HUGGING IN THIS FRANCHISE IM GOING TO STAB ALL OF YOU. IN MINECRAFT.#with the power of delusions and this like seven-year-old wacom tablet i can fix that......#it'll never be enough it'll never fill the void in my soul but it'll be something i guess#BUT UGH NO SORRY IM JUST MAD NOW#nothing in my life has ever genuinely triggered anger in me than the y7 ending its just soooooooOOOOO#IT WAS SOOO CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT I CANT#im going to give myself a blood clot thinking about it anymore i feel my heart stopping Do Not Call An Ambulance I Cannot Afford It#so to stop myself from going in any more debt than i already am..... the possibility of any essays from me are very small#my ability to use words is near non existent. i feel like a right ninny sometimes#in any case im not sure what else i could expand on that isn't restating what you've said#cant ever be upset with bein on the same wavelength tho it gives my inarticulate ass a helluva easier time trying to explain LMAO#plus im petrified of trying to interpret anything from the english dub or english subs#and looking into language use is Very Much important when dissecting abusive relationships#i guess there's always just talking about general actions committed and not inspecting the exact words used#idk.. at the very least ill rotate the concept in my head and then fend off the urge to eat my teeth#i'm gonna throw up.... im still thinking of it........ gonna make an unrelated-but-arguably-related post in like three seconds#dont look at it its cringe
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Adam has a broken key (not a big deal, it's happened before 😅) but i found out there was a version of his model that had silver keys! i thought a fun way to customize him might be to swap out some of his keys with the silver ones but i'm still not sure, i'm trying to concept out where some fun places to put them would be, what do you guys think (current Adam on the left)
#he was the first computer i played minecraft on so i figured gaming keys would be good even if he can't really play most games anymore#way back when i used to play minecraft with the arrow keys so at the least i want those to be silver :)#his speaker used to work every once in a while but it stopped working entirely recently#so i'm gonna replace that whole media bar#his model had some technical issues but he's super easy to take apart and tinker with#i'm thinking about replacing his ram too but he currently has 3gb and can take a max of 4gb so i'm not sure if it's worth it#his battery is all wack too which isn't surprising. i've had to replace it like 4 times since i first got him!#i have a lot of work to do on him this year! i always love working on him it always goes so smoothly#except last time i did a full cleaning and i nearly stripped a screw but we don't need to talk about that 😶#my posts#adam#💻
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#this is the most emotional rambling im gonna get for the time being I think#the idea of long term partners 'falling out of love' or 'growing apart' has always. idk. irked me#and ive never been in a romantic relationship so take this with a grain of salt ig but#i feel like. love isn't enough. has never been enough. to make a relationship last long LONG term#and you cant expect it to be? like. relationships take work#and not in a 'my relationship is a burden to me' kind of way#but just in a 'we are 2 different and imperfect people trying to make our lives fit together. that doesn't always happen automatically'#yk??#and ive always felt like. if you truly love that person and want to make it work with them then you fight for it#and you make it work. and you make changes. you dont let the relationship be a consequence of your life ig?#im not saying that Taylor or joe did anything wrong#actually i think they'd agree with me at least partially from what we've heard??#which makes me like. feel sick#bc they have had arguments but they always made it work#they fought to keep the relationship stable for so long#so......???? what was it. what could it have been#that made it not worth fighting for anymore?????#that is scary and horrifying to me. that you can be so in love and make it through so much but there's still smth that could break that#my personal view has always been that i have too many trust issues that i could never move past a partner cheating on me#personally i just dont think i could ever rebuild even a long term marriage if i got cheated on#but that's the only thing ive ever imagined ending a relationship like that for me#what happens. for a love like that to not be worth the fight anymore#its scary. honestly scary
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ummmm
#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~#my favorite image on this device btw ^#cw negative#cw vent#you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than-#-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so#but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but#my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i-#-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something-#-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because-#-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles-#-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all#i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me#i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years-#-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and-#-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great-#-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do?#how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time?#i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though#so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-#-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!!#how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol#everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit#i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden
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#sometimes i wish i could tell my mutuals that the discourse isn't worth it without sounding like That Kinda Person ykno#but as someone who was caught up in that sort of discourse around like 2016 or so i assure you it is a waste of time#it's infighting that doesn't need to happen. it Seems like it's reflective of the real world but once you pull yourself out of it#you realise that it's just a bunch of very online back and forth when reality is all peace and love in that department; outliers are few#this could honestly apply to a lot of things#anyone can do whatever they want forever. internalise that repeatedly every day and without exception.#identify root causes and support each other in dismantling them#all the drama people talk about i simply Do Not See Anymore because i'm not caught up in it; the world is beautiful once you disengage#anyway sorry for the vague meta discourse#peace and love!!! 777
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over the past few days I've switched from watching lots of cleaning videos (which was good because they made me want to clean - though that effect is still there for now) to sewing videos (which is very very bad because now I want to sew more and get a sewing machine that actually works right (I got mine used for like 50€ and it's very basic and a lot of things just keep breaking/not working (which is probably at least in part because I don't know enough about using it correctly)))
#I'm not good at sewing#I don't know what I'm doing at all#but it's sooo much fun (until my stupid sewing machine breaks and I have to spend the rest of the day figuring that out)#I really want to learn how to make clothes and stuff but I won't even try with this sewing machine#now to be clear it's an alright sewing machine and it mostly works fine if you just want to sew a straight line on thin non-stretchy#fabric and never change the yarn.#*thread (I keep mixing those up because they're the same word in German so it's very confusing)#but anything even slightly more complicated or anything with thicker fabric does not work. I've tried so many needles and settings and#solutions I found online#and it just never works consistently#I'm not spending money to get it fixed professionally. no matter how little it would cost it's not worth it#unfortunately I've already found a beginner computer sewing machine and it's expensive (though much less expensive than I would have#thought) and I don't know if I'll be able to get it anytime soon but I really want it 😔😔😔#but ugh the thought of not having to thread the needle anymore and not putting the bobbin in in the front and fixing all the problems that#come with that is sooo nice#oh yeah my machine also refuses to work with thicker/stronger thread. I've figured out that it does work most of the time if it's just the#bobbin thread.#but like. I don't want to spend hours learning how to fix this stupid machine all the time! I want to learn how to use it to sew!#so yeah this isn't going to work long term.#ugh my dad's ex (the most awful person I've ever met) was a trained seamstress. damn I should have made her teach me 😔 then she would've#been good for something at least instead of just giving me a bunch of additional trauma 🙃#(but yay at least it seems like I finally don't associate sewing with her and feel terrified just thinking about it anymore!)#personal
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