#like. now i know theres probably a REASON behind my issues

[senseiwu]

Me last year: wow! I can relate a lot to this guy in ways I haven't with other characters! :) this is nice! :)

Me now: ...oh.

[hannieehaee]

18+ / mdi

content: bickering, some modern family references (just names n stuff), smut, penetrative sex, f reader, riding, tit play (??) idk he just likes ur tits, etc.

a/n: this is kinda meant to be a modern family au based on haley and andy's first meeting so theres some references to the show (just fyi) except this ends as smut 🫡 can also be read as nanny!seokmin and richbrat!you tho

wc: 1370

masterlist

modern family au where you, ditzy and careless granddaughter of rich business owner, incidentally meet your family's new manny!seokmin while sneaking into your grandfather's house for some alone time by the pool. you grab a few beers, knowing your grandfather and his wife probably wont be back for a while when you hear someone clear their throat behind you. startled, you drop the glass bottles on the floor and turn around to see who the hell is in your supposedly-empty grandfather's house.

you're taken aback as soon as you meet his eyes. pretty boy your age in what's supposed to be a place only your family had access to ? you wont complain, but you're still pretty bummed about the wasted beer.

the first words out of his mouth are to scold you. great. yet another person to get in your way just when you're re trying to relax away from your overbearing family. but wait, you think, you still have no idea who this man is.

"who are you?", you question as he leans over to clean up the bottles you had broken (the bottles he broke, if anyone asked you).

"no. who are you?", he gives as rebuttal. "mr pritchet didnt say anyone would be here today. are you alex or __?" he says, cutely tilting his head to the side like a confused puppy, making your heart melt role your eyes.

"im alex," you lie, knowing your sister wouldnt get in trouble for this anyways. "now my question."

"i'm your grandfather's new manny," he replies with a boyish smile, stretching his free hand towards you.

"you're not manny. i know manny and you look nothing like him," you say frowning, knowing this is totally not your uncle manny.

"oh, you're __. i'm seokmin. the new male nanny," he says in a tone that makes you think he mightve meant it as an insult .. you choose to ignore it, instead looking at his arms as he continues to wipe the broken glass. why hadnt you noticed his arms earlier ?

"i'm sorry, but im gonna have to tell your grandfather that you broke glass near the pool," he interrupts your thoughts as he finishes picking up the broken glass.

fuck. you just got out of being grounded, you cant have your mom know you snuck into your grandpa's house again, specially for day-drinking (you're over 21 now, whats the big issue?!).

you panic, so you go for the first thing that comes to mind.

"do you really have to do that, seokmin?", you flutter your lashes at him, untying the top of your bathing suit cover and pushing up your barely-covered tits for him to see.

he looks down, momentarily forgetting what he was talking about, but quickly looks back up. "thats not gonna work, your grandparents warned me about you," he says as he looks away from your chest.

he already bit the hook. there's really nothing to lose now.

you take slow steps towards him, making sure to sway your hips as you do so, placing your hands on his shoulders as soon as you're close enough. "listen. this can stay between us, right? you've already cleaned everything up. there's no reason we need to waste our time in telling him how you caught me off guard and made me drop the glass, is there?", you rub your hands up and down his chest, slowly unbuttoning his shirt while he stands still, letting you continue your actions.

"m-me?! y-YOU broke it! you're not even supposed to be h-" he cuts himself off when you get tired of his talking and decide to just rip the rest of the buttons off.

"listen to me, seokmin. we can waste the next hour arguing about who did what while we wait for my grandpa to get here," you start pressing your mouth to his ear, almost giving him the attention he really wants, but not fully. "or we could go to the guest room and i could give you a little something in return for your silence. wouldn't that be more fun?"

with one more look from him, you find yourself moments later sitting atop him in one of the mansion's guest rooms, bouncing on top of him with your back facing his chest. his eyes were glued to your ass, with his hands groping your hips tightly as he furrowed his eyebrows in pleasure. never would he have expected that the airheaded girl his new employers warned him about would be this pretty and feel this good wrapped around him.

"fuck," he exhales, rubbing his hands up and down your back, ultimately landing on your ass, melding his hands unto the soft skin. "b-baby fuck. slow down."

"but minnie .. my grandparents could be back any second. besides, you're doing me a favour. it'd be mean of me to not make it up to you, wouldnt it?", you put on a sweet voice for him as you bounce faster, also wanting to reach your high as the pretty boy impaled you.

frustrated at not being able to see you, he uses those beefy arms you were eyeing earlier to lift you up and turn you around on top of him, now looking into your eyes as you held onto his shoulders for support. looking at his pretty eyes staring up at you with softness despite the lewdness of the act made you feel crazy. feeling addicted to the way he looked at you, you decided to give him a show.

"fuck, minnie. feel so fucking good," you moaned, dragging your hands up to your tits to play with them, rubbing your nipples in a way that had you rolling your eyes back. "dont you wanna help me, minnie? be a good boy and put your hands on me."

he whined at your words, sitting up a bit and replacing your hands with his. pinching at your nipples, he made you cry out loud and rub yourself even harder, now catching an angle that allowed your clit to rub against him. feeling drunk on your enthusiasm, he moved one of his hands to your hip in order to guide you, moving his mouth to bite and lick at your nipples, making you roll your eyes back.

both your ends approached, now with you maniacally bouncing on him while his mouth stayed stuck to your chest, alternating breasts to suck and whine into. feeling completely cock drunk, you increased the intensity of your movements, leading yourself into a mind-blowing orgasm with him following soon after, his moans muffled by your chest.

you spent the next five minutes softly cleaning each other up and getting rid of the evidence (dirty sheets, condom, etc) before anyone arrived home, all while shyly exchanging glances at each other. it was unlike you to feel shy when interacting with a guy (i mean, you did just seduce your grandparents new nanny within minutes of knowing him), but there was something about his good-boy attitude and soft demeanor towards you that just drew you to him. that, and how easy on the eyes he was.

your thoughts were promptly interrupted by him quietly speaking up "listen, i know i'm probably overstepping and just embarrassing myself by saying this but, i kind of uh. i kind of felt a connection there. i think you mightve even felt it too? would you like to maybe see where this goes? i could take you out, or if not we could start off as friends too, you know? or maybe this again? wait, no. i'm not suggesting that you should uh- but if you want to! i mean, whatever you want! it's just tha-" he continues to ramble, clearly losing track of what his original question was.

just like him, you interrupt his monologue by grabbing onto his face, making him stop mid sentence and look at you. "yes," you giggle. "we can go out seokmin. i'll know where to find you," and with that, you leave him with a peck and a wink as you exit the room, successfully leaving the house before anyone arrived, knowing you'd be coming back whenever possible to get some alone time with your grandparents' pretty manny you were now planning to make yours.

[roseworth]

okay id like to say im sorry in advance for this but i want to talk about my headcanon of rose having a glass eye.

first of all i have canon basis for this since in deathstroke inc #1 there was a flashback to her cutting her eye out. but she still has two eyes. probably not intentional but idc im taking it as true.

now i think she would have 3 reasons for using a glass eye: number one being that its a very clear blindspot and a weakness that can be exploited, and she doesnt like showing any weak spots so she finds a way to cover it up. number two is that she doesnt want to be like deathstroke, and having white hair and an eyepatch is basically an immediate deathstroke identifier.

however i can argue against both of those reasons (her blind eye isnt a blind spot because of her precog + enhanced senses, and if she didnt want to be clocked as deathstroke adjacent the first step would be taking off his mask rather than getting a new eye) SO. my third & favorite reason is that shes trying to extend an olive branch to slade. she doesnt want to address the things that hes done to her and shes still desperate for a family, so she gets a fake eye so that slade can look at her without remembering their past. shes trying to bury everything that happened as far down as she can because its easier for her to pretend that it didnt than to acknowledge that it did. and she wants a family bad enough that shes willing to try to forget everything

but im also gonna take that a step further and say that SLADE was the one that gave her the glass eye. hes also trying to cover up the past, and doesnt want to think about the shitty things hes done, so he gives her a glass eye because he thinks that'll make her forgive him. hes not changing what hes doing now and hes not apologizing for what happened before, but hes trying to get both of them to leave it behind. and since a glass eye is the only gift that her father gives her, rose takes it and uses it because she takes anything that slade deigns to give her.

and another reason that fucks me up is because theres a line about slade that says something along the lines of "he has a clear blind spot, but hes good enough that he projects that weakness and still wins." (and i wish i could fucking remember what issue thats from. i promise ill come back here and add a screenshot if i remember) SO part of him giving her a glass eye is him not believing that shes good enough to project weakness. which i think would fuck her up given that all she wants is his approval

anyways thats my pitch for why i believe shes secretly had a glass eye this whole time. i dont think she would've told anyone because she KNOWS that having a fake eye that her dad gave her to put a bandaid over the past is bad for her. but she will take what he gives her and implant it into her skull since its a tangible representation of her fathers attention

[dreamsy990]

hey u have ocs? information?llllong post? please if u have like. info on them? or just doodles idk

hi sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a while bc i keep forgetting it exists but uh!!! sure !!!! theres not much interesting stuff here though so im just gonna ramble in whatever order i feel like. unless theyre like a group or something

so copper and omen my wof ocs probably have the least to say? because i dont have any sort of story for them at all. copper is a silkwing with some anxiety issues and omen is her girlfriend who has VERY bad trust issues. not sure how they get together but i think maybe omen couldve helped protect copper from a disaster and thats how they met? which sort of plays into omens main thing, which is that she's a nightwing who was hatched under a bloodmoon. so within wof lore as stated by our lord and savior tui t sutherland, she can see the future, but only disasters. in my head shes kinda a cassandra or goosefeather figure where shes almost always right about her visions unless something is done explicitly to prevent them from coming true, but nobody believes her. idk i have way less for copper than omen but they are a pair and im not allowed to seperate them.

my other significant wof oc is frostbite. does he exist in the same universe as copper and omen? maybe idk. they might have a cool adventure together with some other characters if i ever feel like it. tbh all 3 of these guys were just design practice for me so all story is just kind of random thoughts. anyways so frostbite was actually adapted from an old character from an rp group i was in. originally he was an icewing/nightwing and a weird old man who hides in the woods and definitely does murder. but hes basically a completely different guy now so thats mostly irrelevant. anyways so the half nightwing part became half leafwing (not on purpose i just forgot he wasnt always a leafwing). and i have a very, very rough idea for his story. for context since idk how much you know about wof, icewings have a caste system for aristocrats called circles, numbered 1-7, and your ranking can change based on how much you "embody the ideal qualities of an icewing", so theres a lot of pressure put on icewings to be as perfect as possible. anyways, i think frostbites dad was probably in the first circle when he had an affair with a leafwing. normally that would probably be enough to get him kicked out of the aristocracy entirely, but somehow (probably through a combination of being close to the queen, maybe as an advisor or maybe just an old friend? as well as having been high ranking for his entire life before that) he was allowed to return along with the son he had with that leafwing, but as punishment dropped to the bottom of the seventh circle. and frostbite is that son! cursed to never feel fully like an icewing, and always struggle to make himself seem worthy of being there at all. hes pretty hotheaded (NOT a very icewing trait, as others love to point out) and while he definitely knows hes getting much harsher treatment than others get for no reason other than his leafwing side, hes still trying his best to fit into society. its not exactly going well for him because it feels like no matter how perfect he is, thats always at least a couple steps behind the worst "real" icewing. anyways, something happens, i dont know how, but he manages to get out of the ice kingdom for a bit, and probably goes on an adventure with some friends, and realizes just how fucking stifling that place was. and then he never goes back. idk hes sort of like winter if he had more daddy issues.

ummm. colorux isnt real. ok but actually colorux is a joke oc i share custody of with ridragon. she is a gremlin, gay, british, and a member of organization xiii. shes probably friends with luxord because luxord is also british. thats it.

MY DND GUYS NATHAN AND DUST!! i have a lot more for nathan so. dust is a tabaxi paladin with an oath of devotion. the campaign she was supposed to be part of was a war one, so i wasnt sure how much rp there was gonna be, so i only came up with enough that i would have something to work with if it ever did happen. so that mostly means her personality. shes probably autistic, she struggles to hold a conversation very well, and very much leans towards the stoic side, although she loves collecting shiny things whenever she can and if you get her talking about her collection she can talk for hours. she also has a strong sense of justice (hence the oath of devotion), and will try to do what she thinks is right no matter the cost. thats dust!! fun fact about her she was NOT inspired by dust from dust an elysian tail them both being cat people and paladin equivalents and having similar personalities and the same name. that was actually a complete coincidence which i think is hilarious.

nathan is probably the one i have the most story for!! so backstory about them, i made him up on the spot for a dnd campaign that sort of fizzled out. i had forgotten to make a character sheet so i just found a list of premade ones and boom!! nathan. theyre a drow rogue and i made them specifically to fit as few rogue stereotypes as possible. i like to think he grew up somewhere around upper middle class, with no real reason to get into crime since it's not like he needed anything in particular, but he was a stupid kid with stupid friends and too much time on his hands!! so he and his best friend who does not have a name im so sorry. my brain is saying maurice and i think thats funny so their friend is named maurice now. anyways so nathan and maurice started doing petty crime as a passtime!! they were pretty good at it too, if you asked them. and then something went wrong. i dont know exactly how it would happen, but somewhere along the line in their stupidest crime yet, things went wrong, and nathan panicked, and ran away, leaving maurice all alone to deal with the cops. what happened? nathan doesnt know. but it fucked him up man. its been like 30 years and hes STILL beating himself up about it. he became a lot more cowardly, avoiding risk and running away from things whenever he can, they try to avoid getting attached to people so he doesnt feel bad when he instinctively pushes them in front of danger so he can avoid it, and hes just generally a disaster. also theyre scared of spiders. i love them.

and uhhh that just leaves angie, rea, and charlotte. so for context, my original idea for these guys was a sort of depressing game about accepting the inevitable, but theyve honestly become way more sweet since then so!!!! angie and rea are reapers, and their jobs are to guide the dead to the underworld. and theyre also roommates! but not gay. angie is aroace. rea is probably aspec too now that i think about it. little bit of fun detail about them, angie tends to take jobs where shes guiding assholes, and she loves trying to make their trips as terrifying as possible. shes not good at being empathetic!! rea on the other hand. is terrible at being scary. so she mostly gets jobs with kids, and she goes through as much effort as she can to make sure they're NOT scared. kind of opposites to angie but idk i think theyre cute. anyways, charlotte is not a reaper. shes actually just a little girl, probably 8-10 or so. reas job is to guide her, but when she gets to charlotte, she realizes charlotte's not actually dead. shes on the edge, she could slip over at any time, but shes not dead. rea realizes if she brings charlotte to the underworld there's no chance she'll ever be able to wake up again, but if she doesn't, then maybe charlotte has a chance. so instead, she takes charlotte home with her, to the inbetween. so oops!! surprise child aquisition. personality wise, charlottes probably that sort of sassy little kid. you know the type. she isnt scared of angie in the slightest!! actually, shes not scared of ANYTHING, if you ask her. idk theyre a fun little trio in my head

theres probably someone else im forgetting buut if im forgetting they cant be that important. anyways im not really in a drawing mood rn but i might add art later. but idk my oc tags are literally just #name (oc) so just do that if you wanna find my art of them. i dont draw them much. also i need to redesign some of them. ALSO I DONT HAVE A CHARLOTTE DESIGN FUCK.

[cherris-hideout]

I am going to die (as if I wasn't an immortal, night-stalking specimen)

Okay, I might regret putting this on here later but right now I could care less.

Theres this teacher at my school and he's honestly so fine. Maybe it's just my obvious father-issues, but I'm like a little too obsessed with him. Not in a weird stalker way though, like I swear I'm not a stalker! Do I even have him as a teacher in any subjects? No! I just happen to know an alarming amount of things about him and my brain stops working when he's in my line of sight. Me personally, I would just call that doing research, considering he's quite well-known in the town I live in and there's just a bunch of information about him on the web.

Obviously, I've made a fool out of myself infront of this teacher too many times. Many of the times I wasn't even aware that he was like right behind me when I said outrageous stuff. One time at school I was discussing music with my friend (specifically hard rock) and I just get this wonderful idea for a joke. So, I look them dead in the eye, raise my eyebrow humorously and say: "Hard rock or hard as a rock? Well, I'm both."

After telling my amazing joke, I turn around and the teacher is right there. He looked confused, like extremely confused. His confusion probably had something to do with the fact that he's genuinely like 60 years old. The embarrassment is real.

Alright, the main reason for this blog post was so that I could tell you about what happened yesterday.

I was out with my two of my friends, Will and Percy. We're walking somewhere relatively close to my house and we see a car on the road heading the opposite direction that we are. I take a look at the vehicle and I realize: "Shit, is that his car?" The car passes us and I kinda quickly glance at it. I see an arm for like a split second and go: "Fuck, that is him!" I still don't know how I clocked that so quickly. Not to mention this was the second time I had recognized him by an arm. All I can think of right now is what the hell he was doing on this side of town?

The worst thing about this is I have to talk to him due to an assignment. It was fine when he didn't know I existed, now that he does know I exist though...

I can't deal with this, Monday is gonna be so awkward.

[pansy-picnics]

HE'S BEEN GASLIGHTED, HE LOVES LANCE NOW. I WOULD NEVER FAIL HIM

LANCE IS A COMPLICATED CHARACTER JUST LIKE EUGENE AND I NEED PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT HIS DYNAMICS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS LIKE ANGRY AND CATALINA BECAUSE OMG I CANNOT THINK OF A CARTOON THAT WROTE ABOUT A PROBABLY QUEER BLACK MAN ADOPTING AN ASIAN DAUGHTER AND A DAUGHTER THAT'S. WHATEVER TEH FUCK CATALINA HAS GOING ON. BUT HE'S SO SPECIAL??? HE'S AMAZING??? ALSO THE FACT THAT TEENAGERS ARE VERY RARELY ADOPTED AND HE SAID FUCK THIS AND TOOK THEM IN ANYWAYS BECAUSE HE REMEMBERS BEING A TEENAGER ON HIS OWN TOO

LITERALLYYLYKYLYKY OH MY GOD???? NO BECAUSE. no bc kiera and catalina parallel lance and eugene as kids almost EXACTLY imo and its SO important in a sense that like. ok i don’t think the rise of flynnigan rider is canon necessarily bc that book was a mess but lance and eugene’s interactions in it are so GOOD it drives me crazy.

basically lance at that age (like 11-12) is portrayed as a kinda shy and anxious kid who tends to keep to himself but is really nerdy and smart and well aware of his surroundings. he’s still a kid and he can be dumb and impulsive but he’s emotional and clings to people who show him affection. eugene’s the opposite, he’s super charismatic and talks his way out of things easily but he never really thinks before he acts and it gets him into trouble really easily. but together they balance each other out, and eugene is super protective of lance bc he knows he’s the more shy and cautious one.

they’re such a good team bc they balance out each others strengths and weaknesses perfectly. but lance actually has a point where he felt betrayed by eugene and it hit so hard despite the plot being so messy. LIKE HE GENUINELY TOLD HIM OFF AND STOOD UP FOR HIMSELF AND IT WAS SO GOOD?? and then theres the whole alleged scrapped lance and eugene backstory episode which might not even be real but its CANON TO ME EVEN IF ITS NOT BC THATS HOW GOOD IT IS. yk the one where eugene almost got adopted and lance was afraid of being left behind so he broke a window and blamed it on eugene so the couple wouldn’t want him anymore? Yeah. Yeah i think about that a normal amount actually!

AND ITS BC. ITS THE SAME DYNAMIC KIERA AND CATALINA HAVE. WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT. AND I THINK ITS CLEAR THAT THE REASON LANCE CHANGED SO MUCH FROM THAT POINT TO WHEN WE SEE HIM IN THE SERIES IS BECAUSE…. EUGENE WASN’T THERE ANYMORE. THINK ABT IT. THEY BOTH BALANCED OUT EACH OTHERS FLAWS. LANCE WAS SHY AND CAUTIOUS BUT EUGENE WAS RECKLESS AND CHARISMATIC. WHEN THEY GOT SEPARATED LANCE HAD TO TAKE ON A SIMILAR PERSONA BECAUSE THE SHY KID HE USED TO BE WOULD BE KILLED IF HE GOT LEFT ON HIS OWN!!!

LANCE SAW HIM AND EUGENE IN KIERA AND CATALINA. THE QUIET AND CAUTIOUS BUT CALCULATED ONE WHO’S ALSO A LITTLE SHIT AND THE RECKLESS AND CHARISMATIC PROTECTIVE ONE. HE SAW THEM TOGETHER AND HE REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM AND EUGENE. HOW THEY GOT TORN APART. AND HOW HE HAD TO CHANGE HIMSELF TO SURVIVE. HE TOOK THEM IN BECAUSE HE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM TOO.

Godddd I’M SO. there are so many traits and little details abt him that just got passed off as jokes or one liners in the series but they SHOULDN’T BE. GODDD HES A CHEF. HE LOVES FOOD AND COOKING HES A THEATER KID!! HE LOVES LITERATURE AND HE LOVES MUSIC!!! I THINK HE LOVES THEATER AND DOESN’T FEEL AS AFRAID IN THAT SENSE BECAUSE HE TRULY FEELS LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON ON STAGE. ITS WHY HE DOESN’T LIKE SINGING AS HIMSELF BUT HE’D ABSOLUTELY KILL IT IN A PLAY.

and god it annoys me so much bc whenever anyone DOES talk about how lance got done dirty in the series nobody actually brings up WHY….. i love this series too but we cant just sweep the issue under the rug. theres a reason they only played him for comedic relief and made him look childish and stupid IT’S RIGHT THERE ITS BECAUSE HES BLACK. AND YES WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. I LOVE THAT THEY HAD HIM ADOPT THE GIRLS IN THE END AND IT WAS SO SWEET BUT HE WAS STILL THE BLACK BEST FRIEND TROPE AND HE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER!!!

HE LITERALLY JUST HAS ADHD AND NOT TO MENTION THE FANDOM ALWAYS ACTS LIKE EUGENE IS THE STRAIGHT MAN OF THE DUO WHEN THEY’RE BOTH EQUALLY DUMB AND SILLY??? AND THEY BOTH SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE SILLY. people always talk about lance getting into varian’s stuff even though EUGENE DOES THE SAME THING AND HE’S JUST AS BAD. AND YALL AREN’T CALLING HIM IMMATURE. ITS RACIALLY MOTIVATED!!! AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!!

he’s not stupid in fact i genuinely think he’s the most emotionally mature out of the entire cast. i think he came to the orphanage as a young child rather than from birth and he had a mom who he loved very much and who taught him to manage his emotions well and bc of it he’s very in tune with himself!! and he’s very much the dad friend!!! he’s just a silly guy and he wants to make his friends laugh but sometimes he ends up sacrificing himself for others too much!!! and he needs to care about himself too!!!

God i just. I GET SO INSANE ABOUT HIM HE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER. GTRRRRAAASGHHGHHHHH.

[majorasnightmare]

obligatory post election personal vent post feel free to scroll

its like. after however fucking long of seeing people online pissing and screaming themselves about how having the barest fucking standards for a political candidate will condemn us all to a gruesome horrific fate. its just hard to motivate myself to the same level of sheer panic everyone else seems to be moving through

cuz being so fr this situation is literally identical to the state i was in like. 8 months ago

like the reason so many of us online were shaking people to fucking do something 8 months ago is because of the exact shit people are only now freaking out about.

like honestly. if anyone in my immediate circle dies in the next four years. its probably gonna be me! and that was as true in june as it is now!

for the individuals at the very bottom of the iron wheel of suffering, the material differences between the two candidates were next to nothing, because both hinged on grinding people like me up to prop up two technically-different but mostly-similar blocs of valued people. like my quality of life was never any important to biden, it wasnt to kamala, and it still wont be to trump. i cant work up the energy to have a genuine panic attack because i honestly exhausted those reserves ages ago

like. being so for real right now. addressed to a general audience and not current reader specifically. do any of you know how genuinely difficult it is to live like this? i already had no abortion access because abortions cost money and gas and there wasnt any insurance to use or cars to drive. i havent had access to critical life improving medication for 7 years, where it became blatantly obvious it was needed. when my entire world collapsed beneath my feet and one of my only remaining family members died and the resulting financial distress left the rest us floundering, there already wasnt a safety net beneath my feet. i was expected to be crushed. the fact that im still alive is probably a miracle.

the insurance we did have is currently exploiting a niche paperwork problem regarding having an insurance plan via family, so now there are two seperate insurance companies playing hot potato with medical visits either one of them could cover but both refuse to, leaving us saddled with stacking medical debt and a primary care provider whos pulled the plug on refilling prescriptions for medication because of it.

any person who could conceivably help us is across several state lines at the closest. we cant even receive deliveries because there isnt an address to send it to, including shit as simple as doordash. like thats the level of isolated here, where even if someone wanted to hand deliver food to us, they are simply unable to. theres no gas to drive for better signal or a computer with a printer, to drive to meet a beuracrat who knows how to qualify us for assistance. if im dysphoric and suicidal, theres genuinely nothing i can fuckin do about it. theres a high chance i have inherited intersex traits from my grandma that are causing health issues that i cant treat, and it wouldnt even matter if i was cis because you have to have the time money and ability to make multiple concurrent doctors visits.

i saw a post where someone was pissy that people voted based on gas prices when lives are at stake but what fucking world do you live in where gas doesnt determine if people live or die. you have to pick up insulin somehow right??

the truth of the matter is that the communities your fearmongering for have needed your health long LONG before this clownshow of an election rolled into the fucking circus and 90% of the people freaking out online dont have a fucking clue how to help. before trump got elected the first time around, me and mine were being left behind by people who couldnt value our health safety and wellbeing over the gas cost of being in a car for an hour. and that isnt even touching on the fact that for most of these years weve been isolated with a violent abuser that we only recently traded out for a different kind of homelessness.

kamala fucking harris wasnt going to keep me alive. she sure as shit wasnt going to help palestine stay alive. and when people pointed this shit out in a desperate plea to start the aid work EARLY, we got met with a fucking tide of blue maga shitheels openly fantasizing about republican death squads as just desserts for not kowtowing enough to a fucking imperialist. how can i panic now when my death sentence is the same as it was at the start of the year?

did anyone from those massive hurricanes actually get helped? could THEY vote? were they counted as important enough to meaningfully listen to for the sake of electoral power? you know the answer as well as i do.

i have more in common with a palestinian refugee, with a citizen in sudan, lebanon, ukraine, than i do with the people who use their names to avoid giving half a shit about their neighbor. the idea of writing them off as unavoidable casualties is just unimaginable to me. i have more in common with the indigenous survivors in my state than with the politicians who refuse to grant them human dignity. when was THAT gonna change.

my position under trump hasnt fundamentally changed. and its not because im so privelleged as to be shielded, but because im so vulnerable that i wasnt worth protecting even under a dem administration. and youd be a fool to think this is an isolated case. if i dont stand with my communities of color, with my fellow disabled isolated covid survivors, with my disenfranchised impoverished comrades, who the fuck will? certainly not the vast quantity of keyboard warriors blowing up twitter. if im bitter and tired i think i have a right to be. watching death come for my family on the heels of repeat covid infections on top of a lifetime of poverty induced medical neglect and seeing the people supposedly in my corner ask me to fucking throw them under the bus has been a ghoulish experience, all while refusing to listen to anyone else in my situation beg and plead for awareness and understanding to motivate them into meaningful action. that such depths of human suffering can exist and not even come close to the lowest of agonies capable of being experienced, shielded as thin as i am by the privellege of being white, is mindboggling. like were expendable. always have been. there isnt any protection to be gotten from these administrations cuz our blood is meant to grease the wheels.

its gonna get worse. obviously. the thing is, it was always going to get worse. it was always gonna try and kill me and mine. obviously im going to try to survive, what else can i do, but there was never even a mirage shimmer of safety for a lot of us. acting like kamala harris was some uniformly better option is just cruel. of course we need your help now but at some point you have to stop and think about why you only start caring about the people underneath the wheel when it looks like itll be your turn. because all it really does is make us wonder: would you still try to save us if you werent worried about yourself? and the answer were hearing, from your derision and hatred and cruelty, is a resounding no

idk how to end this. its a long ass vent. im tired and im gonna try and eat sometime tomorrow, and hope climate change doesnt try to kill me cuz i wouldnt be able to stop it in this condition

[eziojensenthe3rd]

Midnight Gaming: Quad Damage

So last night i played Quake past midnight, checked socials and found.... fans are recreating the snes satallaview broadcast service.

So the Super Nintendo had something called BS-X which was only available in japan was the next project after the original cd addon idea flopped (and inadvertently created the playstation console along with causing the cd-i nintendo games to exist but thats another story). The idea behind it was that periodically subscribers can download limited time games exclusive to the BS-X. Of course it was eventual that the service would discontinue and a lot of those games would be lost until game preservationists manage to recover them for the world to see.

Well, now some folks are recreating that broadcast service and with a snes emulator, you can download any of those BS-X games that are available atm. If you're interested, the git hub page is linked now for y'all to check out.

Now onto Quake which i'll be talking about the remaster thats available on consoles and pc. Quake was certainly notable enough to be remembered, just not as much as say Doom was. Doom was a trendsetter that lit up the gaming scene, Quake was just "its doom again but brown and lovecrafty". Honestly the Quake series certainly had issues with consistency which may have hurt its longevity. The first game was dark elder god vibes with the second being sci-fi world war 2 and then 3 was a just a multiplayer shooter and 4 was back to sci-fi again. Its probably part of the reason why Doom has had a resurgence with 2016 and eternal and also the upcoming dark age, while Quake only has Quake Champions. Doom is the older brother that everyone likes and is familiar with while Quake is the little brother, still likeable and has fans but certanly exists in its bigger brothers shadow. Doom is the Mario to Quakes Luigi. At least thats what i think.

I have a personal story where i was young and had a old pc from my uncles family that had Quake and Duke Nukem on it. Of course i then told my parents that i was getting nightmares from playing them and they promptly uninstalled them. Now, heres the thing, im fairly certain I made the whole nightmare thing up? I dont know why i lied about it or if infact i did had nightmares but i have that feeling that it wasnt true. Again, i have no clue, kid me was an asshole.

So the Quake remaster is neat, it has some nice Qol features such as the radial menu with slowdown, makes frantically swapping weapons during combat more doable on a controller. The ogres plain suck to fight on hard mode atleast, those grenades are a pain to dodge at times, they are essentially my least favourite enemy in Quake, the leaper gremlin, the lightning monster are perferable compared to those pricks. Atleast i can get revenge by bouncing grenades off a wall to hit enemies around corners or above and below alcoves. One thing i dont get is that the Quake remaster has a similar addon feature like the recent Doom and Doom 2 ports, where you can download some of the community mappacks and mods that were made. Pointless on pc since you can download them yourself but wonderful on console, you can even download the Nintendo 64 version of Quake to play. Yet heres the thing, the Quake 2 remaster doesnt have that feature. Theres some of the expansions, a new one by the remaster devs and the 64 version of quake 2 but theres no addon feature, no community mods to download on the remaster. Does Quake 2 not have as much a mod following like Quake 1 or did bethesda/zenimax didnt want to bother.

Well thats it for now. See you tomorrow. Feel free to leave some feedback, anons are on atm.

[dadmilkman]

I realized this summer that I subconsciously assume everyone i ever meet 1) is neutral towards or actively dislikes me and 2) because of this I do not put myself into the public eyes (gatherings, parties, social events, hang outs, etc) because i have already assumed no one wants me there and i would rather not put myself into that sort of situation when I am expecting to probably leave it thinking everyone is relieved that I am gone. this is super unhealthy and i havent figured out how to unpack it quite yet.

on top of this I realized that I dont let myself be happy. I think somewhere around the end of may I was having a relatively amazing few weeks. The weather was nice, i was spending a lot of time outside for hours a day on my porch swing reading and being in the sun, i was going out to the beach with some frequency to ride bikes, work was going smoothly and despite being busy things were productive. lots of good things were happening. and I realized that every time good things happen i will, in the back of my mind, tell myself that i need to think of a reason why i should not be so happy with my situation because.... i think i just dont know how to handle being not depressed after spending so much of my life really hating myself and everything about my life. and sometimes even now i do hate the way I am in plenty of different regards but I used to be able to hide that hate for myself behind the hate I had for the life I was living in a couple years ago (living situation I wasnt doing well in, job i hated, no career, broken up with long term gf, had a falling out with my dad, etc) so it was a lot easier to conflate "i hate myself" with "I hate my life." except, i dont hate my life anymore. I think i like my life quite a lot. I make very good money and im very lucky to have the job i have now. I have a house and very little debt and Im financially independent and i get to travel and my relationship with my remaining family is very slowly mending and generally speaking i think i am in a much better place mentally. so on occasions where i am feeling good about myself, i really dont have anything in particular that i can be mad about. and I think my brain just doesnt know what to do with it. so i decide to think of reasons why I might be upset about something somewhere. fishing for entirely unprompted issues that I can focus on.

knowing i do this hasn't helped much in not doing it anymore, but i think that I can see it becoming easier to stop myself from taking the thoughts any further. lately ive gotten into the habit of telling myself, out loud, to stop thinking about things that are making me angry on purpose, and then finding a distraction so im not thinking about them anymore. it's helping, but its very hard to catch.

i think whats frustrating me the most is that ive reached a point where i can feel that recovery is definitely possible but the reasons i am not able to recovery properly are entirely manmade, and that I really only need to stop holding myself back from being happy and maybe it will just happen. I also think that happiness is not something that everyone has. and maybe i will be happy sometimes but i will not actually ever have happiness. i dont know how i feel about knowing that maybe for the rest of my life ill feel this way, this self-consciousness i now have about my reluctance to allow myself to have happiness. i used to think none of my mental problems were my fault and everything sucked but there was nothing i could do about it. now im at a point where i can see that theres different ways i could act, or speak to others and myself, or interact with my environment or spend my time, all things well within my control,and that maybe some or most of them will impact the way I feel on a day to day basis and maybe in a long term basis as well. but I do worry that true change is not possible. and that just because i am aware of the way I think doesnt mean i will be able to change it permenantly or significantly. and maybe forever i will now be aware that some of my issues are self sabotague and ill never be able to stop.

june has been a very tumultuous month and i spent several weeks seriously hating myself and wishing i was vastly different from the person i am right now. i still often wish I was different but not because i necessarily hate who i am, just because i think i could be better and more understood by others. i still overthink every social interaction and thers a lot of days where i tell myself i shouldnt even bother opening my mouth to talk to other people because theyre all going to hate me regardless of what i say. and I dont like to be disappointed, so while im not a people please i dont like to disappoint other people, either.

i dont know what to do with all this, ive been in a very strange place mentally recently and some of it is good, but a lot of it is very confusing. i havent wished i was in therapy in a long, long time, but maybe it would be worth while finding someone i could explain all these things to.

[infernothechaosgod]

tw me screaming into the void (also alcohol and neglect i think but neglect is just mentioned and alcohol is for food and not drinking but i'm still putting a tw on that cuz ya know)

Feel free to skip this its just me talking abt things

Dude i usualy don't use this blog to talk about personal stuff because theres very little to talk about but my friends are probably asleep and others could get worried so I shall scream into the abyss that is this blog

I woudn't Say I'm harshly neglected like my family usualy gives me dinner when there home or if they know they won't be during dinner time theres usualy something left for me but most of my day i'm completly alone and the biggest issue for me is that I don't know when or for how long alone I am/will be so I don't know when I can start doing stuff outside my room (witch is Just a white void witch for my artist eyes is like the 4th stage of hell)

I mean like cooking or throwing trash out or just being out of my room BUT being alone so much leads to me randomly learning the most random hacks and abilities ever

I was Just cooking myself hard boiled eggs and thought id try to marinate them with soy sauce bc i just got some and saw that somewhere before and I looked it up it was easy recipe just like soy sauce water sugar and mirin but I didn't have mirin so I looked up what else I could use and it said sake or wine and my parents have this fancy as fuck for no reason bottle of wine from 1856 I belive? It's older than cartoons or sherlock is what i'm trying to say old as hell wine bottle on a shelf above fridge is just chills there more as a grand decoration you'll see if you step into the kitchen/living room/the place a bit behind kitchen we have less door on this floor than cats have fingers so you know

The thing is I immidietly think of that bottle i take it and I can't find the stuff you use to open it so I think i'll do it the other way where you stick a knife into the plug then twist it and pull it out and uhhhh

Things didnt go well because I pushed the plug into the bottle, and at first i'm like "oh i'll take a single Bowl we own because my mother took all the others and I'll pour all the wine into it and with the wine the plug will also come out than i'll just take the little wine i need pour the rest back in and put the plug back in and poof were done!" but then I realize it's a fucking plug and it's too big to go through so i'm panicking thats some expensive ass wine and my dad would be probably ok with it cuz it's still in a Bowl so the wine itself is fine But my mother and ana? Yea they'd explode over that

So i'm out there finding ways to pull out a plug out of a wine bottle and this trick where you flip the bottle upside down and make sure the plug is close to the entrace then put a bag in a bottle and blow into it then pull that out so maybe the plug will like stick with it and also come out after some rlly harsh pulling

So I try that and I try that over and over i like cut the bag so it'll fit better i find like 5 diffrent ways to put the bag in the bottle and be able to blow into it and after an hour it works finally

So now I know 3 things from that

1 never open the bottle of wine with a knife and your eyes open cuz thats not gonna end well for both you and the wine

2 putting a plastic bag in a wine bottle while the plug is stuck in, blowing and yainking that can seriously help

3 wine fr helps with the flavor of soy sauce, like I didnt expect that maybe i just put in the perfect amount of sugar but it teasted sm better than normaly

I'm probably never gonna do that again (at least for just myself) because I do plan on never drinking wine or alcohol on it's own but who knows maybe i'll mess up in the kitchen again or a friend of mine will mess up like me now who knows

[cursednevermore]

I know this is probably an old post so sorry for just appearing- a friend dropped it me in a server. I honestly heavily agree with all this. I think there is something more to Anti being evil just because. I just sense something deeper and more broken to him than what is really shown and all of this makes so much sense! i always thought when he mentions how we "replaced him" etc seemed way deeper than just anger. He was (and is?) angry about it. why wouldn't he be? However, i think there is a lot of pain behind it too. me and @statictay were talking about Anti because i saw this post:

on how we have seen Green Anti and Red Anti so if there is a blue aura (or Blue Anti) that would mean we see all three colours for computers and I know most(?) of us agree that the IRIS logo with three circles possibly represent the RGB. Static pointed out that Blue Anti turns out to be sad Anti and that contrary to popular belief- green means anger. Which honestly i can see, it makes sense too because Anti always seemed jealous which could stem from feeling "replaced" and "pushed aside". And like florenceisfalling said Anti went to go prove himself to be more powerful- which lead to him going way too fucking far with it. And that now he isn't really trying to 'prove' himself that he is powerful and should be feared. (maybe he is trying to make everyone fear/hate him because thats easier than tryna get ppl to love you) Whether, thats because he is now or what is really up to see. However, matured does seem best term for it. I also don't fully believe Anti is per say, evil. Not only because of above but, because Anti is not human. He knows we as humans have rights and wrongs and such but, Anti not being human and therefore not having the same morals as humans wouldn't see an issue with half the stuff he does. We know its bad and he knows we see it as bad or evil but, he doesn't understand WHY we do plus if it gets him his results quick and efficiently than he ain't gonna stop doing them really? This also leads on to my point that Anti was either created by IRIS in attempts to make WTCHR (possibly a failed experiment that went rogue) or IRIS trapped Anti and used him to create WTCHR (because of ANTImatter) therefore possibly being poked and prodded at before either tryna be killed or to just left to 'rot' for lack of a better term. Which, would cause a lot of negative feels- not only for others but, to themself which would link back to possibly why Anti always shows up in those types of vids. Wasn't one of IRIS first experiments linked to controlling positive and negative emotions? Which backs up Static's point on how she thinks the attack on IRIS seemed rather brutal and in rage which could link to wanting revenge (or it could just be Anti doing it on a blind rampage. Who knows?) but, I also want to link it to my idea that Anti attacking IRIS and then approaching Chase. With Anti's own worse experiences with IRIS he probably sees it as his way of 'saving' Chase. However, I also see it as that twisted over protective, possessive thing of "he is my toy only, only i can torture him" kind of thing. Seems rather in character for Anti, imo. Anti could have also done it because obviously IRIS want him for something, whatever that reason maybe, and Anti wants no part so he is getting rid of the threat where and when he can. Two birds, one stone.

Anyway, thought id have a ramble because I'm firm believer theres something a lot more complex to Anti than being evil just because and this is one of the best posts I've seen that sum it up on how I feel on anti as a character. Thanks to Static for sharing it with me and letting me know some of their takes on it aswell. It was really fun!

I think a lot about Anti because i have no life lmaoo.

i know im usually way too invested in my own batshit hcs to talk about canon but i am thinking some Thoughts about canon antisepticeye like. the fact that the only times we’ve seen him physically hurt someone he was controlling them from the inside. when he was cutting jack’s throat he was cutting his own. thinking abt how he said “there are no strings on me” with such pride, how he knocked on his chest so hard it must’ve hurt just to show that oh, look, he has a real heart now, has a body to wear. and i know we make fun of him for being a drama queen, i don’t mean to treat him too softly, but damn do you remember how upset he was about us “replacing” him. like yeah he’s evil and he’s scary and his laugh could give you chills but fuck i really think he’s hurt. i really think he was hurt and in the process of trying to be less weak and powerless he went too far, way, way too far

[junipeach]

.

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Thanks Captain America Chapter 8

Previous chapter(7) / next chapter 9

Warning: 18+ as walkways just in casementions if kidnapping violence depression anxiety probably some other psychological issues, crying, angst being despondent and feeling alone and sad mentions of a restraining order of wsrts memory loss hospitlization, violence a diary, Tony.

She remembered flashes and things that seemed like rippled like deja vulnerable but of a different place. 

The therapist had come but she didn't want to talk. She had gotten a bit distant from Steve  but still sought out his hand at times.

She was quiet. Therefore everyone was concerned with how she changed without saying anything significant- Steve was afraid she was retreating within herself . But life went on work went on. Steve and the avengers work went on. Hayden hadn't been told yet. The doctors decided she needed to be somewhat stable and her talking about something like she is in a dream world isn't exactly stable. It did come across Steve's mind that she did need as much reality as she could get but he wasn't ready to let go yet. Not after he saw she he saw, how scared she was….or he was He didn't want to be that- he didn't want her  to feel like that ever again. And he'd protect her as much as he c an or as long as he can. 

Steve walked in one day to find her leg tucks against her and crying a bit. He didn't even. Have to say anything 

"Yea I remembered some"

"What was it?" She was sniffling 

"You can sit down if you want" she motioned to the bed.   

"I don't know if I can do this right now, I just,

I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down I can't do this anymore.  I'm just going down these rabbit holes and back up and my dreams make zero sense and I'm upset and sad but then relaxed but then I just when I sleep its not im not waking up restful it's. Like."

"I have-"

"What you did to me hurt. But then I remember when I didn't remember  weeks ago and and you were there with me but you. You made sure I made the first like I know  and but then Hayden he."

She sniffles

"Its not fair to you to either of you.  Or me. I can't. You and Rachel should just-" she swung her hands as if to say goodbye and just run off together. Leave her behind 

"Doll me and Rachel are over. I broke up with her that day at the fair. She said she wanted to get something I waited in the car she said she needed help and was practically begging. I put my hat and sun glasses I show up and all of a sudden she taken them off and is wearing rings and it was a shit show it was obvious what she actually came for and I've been wanting to tell you that. I'm sorry I don't have an excuse about why I-" he shook his head, "I was an asshole. And I-"

"I don't care Steve I feel like I'm going to have a fucking mental breakdown I have just way to much." She starts crying. "And not enough." 

"Theres so much on my plate but at the same time not enough I feel like. I feel like I should be able to do more to be more. "

"You need to give yourself time, give yourself rest. You've been through-"

Stop telling me what I've been through. " she yelled. I don't even know what I've been through I feel like my brain just like it imagines things  because I know they wouldn't."

"They wouldn't?"

She turned her head and looked down.

"Sweetheart they wouldn't what?" His hand shook and he had to stop  it before she saw. "what did they do." He also was trying to control his anger

"It's more like what they didn't." Her voice was low but not low enough.

He slammed his hand on the wall so hard it made a break in it- but for some reason she didn't jump. And that scared Steve most of all.

She was sleeping and Steve just wanted to check on her. Just like he had his other agents. He was down there checking on agents therefore he was down there. He was passing her room so it made sense. so it didn't occur to him to have someone baby sit him it was the farthest thing from his mind. Things have been fine with them. He let her dictate things and he was ok with that because he knew that was the only

She was sleeping but had a pen and notebook in her hand. It must have been something the therapist gave her. He didn't mean to snoop he didn't mean to read it but he couldn't help it. It was so melodic . 

"Cause I have no tears to cry- it doesn't matter anyway 

If we say goodbye

Will anything really change was just a stopping stone

That wasn't even used

I was just there

Feeling like 

Somebody everyone hated- including you. 

I feel like I have no one who really knows me

Everyone I've trusted it just combust and I'm left alone now on the dust.

I don't really know where to start over because I didn't know what really ended but 

I can't I just want to be held when I cry

Someone to tell me it's alright. I know its not you.

I know there's no one and I have to face that But I can't because its to scary 

I'm alone and I think ill always be alone 

Why me.

Everything is always taken from me.

Why me. Why did I ever do wrong to make all this,everything happen

Why me."

." 

His heart broke

For anyone to feel so alone but he understood 

At least he thinks. How much can anyone understand something like that. She didn't seem like she was a risk. But maybe she was just sad and confused being in there. The only thing that he knew was true was that he didn't know what to do. 

He wiped his face on his sleeve.  Steve folded the pad closed and put that and the pen on the bedside table. He watched her for a moment. She even looked sad in her sleep. He gently moved the hair out her face.

It's ok sweetheart you're not alone, you're not going to be alone. I under I do I-"

"Steve" Tony voice broke the calmness of the room, despite the calmness of Tony's voice.

"You can't be in here you know that. Not alone come on."

"I was just checking on the other agents I wanted to see how she was. That's all."

"Well you have so, come on."

Steve bregugedly left her room.

He wanted to give her a kiss a short one nothing romantic or just he just wanted to let her know she wasn't alone.

He squeezed her hand "You're not alone I promise you I'll watch out for you. I promise." 

Steve shared his concerns with Tony, Nat and the doctors but he still didn't tell Bucky. And he didn't think about why. 

Steve had passed the window to her room again. He was running ing out of agents to check up on just to check up on her to see her. But she looked despondent and just staring at the side of the room. 

He was even considering going to Hayden and he hated Hayden. But not as much as he blamed himself. 

The doctors promised Steve they'd make sure she was ok. They tried her on a medication as they niyi vied she was acting different. and she didn't react well. Then she had just slept and slept but the constant need or high doses of benadryl was a lot. He would walk in and heard the AI  saying they were alerting some 

"Just saying goodnight" he squeezed her hand

"Goodnight sweetheart. I promise ill watch out for you" with a sigh he walked out. 

But if Steve didn't insist she needed something then she wouldn't have had the reaction. So much for looking out for her. 

Another thought Steve breated himself on as he kept punching he bags in the gym. 

It was his stupid idiocy that did this  

He should have put more shadows on her

He should've made sure they did their job and not pulled them off but he was hiding the girl. Stupidly. He couldn't even bring it in himself to tell them that he had screwed up and isn't perfect he'd be made fun of." Punch   "joked about" he hated it as a kid. Punch.  He "hated it now.” Punch "broke heart" punch "mocked for him being hurt" punch "everyone wanting to know of the girl whoI"punch "turned " punch "him "punch "away" punch "he drove away "punch "he practically killed" punch and the bag went flying…for the third time and he had to clean it up. The janitorial stuff didn't like doing it for him. 

Buck told Steve he would go in and see her. He was allowed after all.

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @patzammit @hawkeyes-queen @sparklybarbarianninja sorry if I forgot anyone

Previous chapter (7) / (next) chapter 9

[horizonandstar]

who wants rain world au thoughts while theyre rattling in my brain. there will be spoilers for the game so its under the cut

ok so context for people who dont know rain world lore: iterators are half-biological automatons who, well, iterate, specifically to solve the Great Problem. what that problem is doesnt matter much in this context other than that its basically impossible to solve

moondrops situation is a mix of the 2 canon iterators: he has five pebbles' rot, and is defunct, broken down and has memory issues like looks to the moon

hes also free to roam, unlike every iterator seen so far. hes broken out of the mechanical arm attached to his back, so moon now is just the puppet and not the entire superstructure anymore

so yeah! fun. moon is highly disoriented and he keeps losing neurons/memories the longer he roams due to many reasons. theres a lot of ways to lose neurons

sun, on the other hand, is most like five pebbles if i had to compare but he doesnt have the rot. however this guy has 500 mental issues (my son who has every disease) due to being abandoned and isolated for real fucking long. he works on the great problem due to lack of anything else to do. its either that or spiral

the last straw for sun was losing communications with moon. the 2 were built close together, so even after the communications tower went down, they were still able to talk to each other, even if that took days to send. so now sun is holding out on hope that suns's messages are just not being received and/or moon's response is just taking long to be sent

but anyways! remember sun in canon? im going to take that and configure it for this au as him wanting companionship/not wanting to be left behind again. theres probably 1-2 animals living inside suns superstructure and he just feeds them his neurons. or maybe the food factories are still working and sun still has access to those so he uses that instead, if i want to be less mean

if moon ever wanders into suns overseer range, sun is going to freak out and guide moon to his superstructure as best as he can. and he will not let moon leave once moon is here, especially once he finds out moons entire list of issues

sun would rather destroy himself than be alone again, so he gives moon So Many Fucking Neurons and does his best to reintegrate moon as an iterator again. he'll back off if moon refuses. he's more pushy when it comes to neurons though. thats their damn brain and hes missing so much of it

[20cm]

long letter (varying degrees of vulnerability and embarrassment) to someone(s), but probably mostly to myself, because ive felt absent and like a ghost for so long im not even sure where i should start

the concept of writing this feels incredibly silly for many reasons, including but not limited to the fact that ive already started it twice and felt dumb about how im wording everything. its not a unique experience and i find comfort in knowing that theres connection in how people feel emotions. but im also aware that if i never actually talk about it frankly without deflection or downplaying it that no ones going to know. and maybe some of you dont need to know, or dont want to.

you can stop reading this if you want then, genuinely this is selfishly for me needing to feel understood, because right now im not even sure i understand. this is just my little blog with people who follow me who dont know me, and those who do know me.

this letter is for the latter because im not sure how to say it to individuals and make it sound real, and sincere, and like im not just making up excuses for things maybe no one is looking for explanations for in the first place. but i feel each gap of time without saying Something to someone like a deep personal failure. like its my failure that a gap cannot be bridged because someone reached out and the shell of the person theyre talking to doesnt reach back. i struggle with feeling real, i dont blame anyone for leaving the ball in my court, im just sorry that its still sitting there. its not your fault

im sorry for being gone. both physically (digitally?) and mentally...im probably going to continue to be gone a lot. these periods of mental absence come and go but fact of the matter is that theyre becoming more frequent, or maybe just lasting longer

theyre hard to. work around. get over. which sounds like an excuse but im incapable of giving them at this point. its laughable how much im aware that maybe i dont owe the internet my time, but all my friends are online now, and its become increasingly hard to come to terms with how to balance where this intersects

i dont know how to feel healthily removed when the life i live outside my silly little phone+computer is painfully limited by a hundred factors, most of which i do not control, and the loneliness is suffocating

im also unsure how to not feel like im a whining child about all this. or how to not downplay my own feelings when i wouldn't dream of downplaying anothers, because im aware theres worse issues and also that its ok to struggle.

the feeling like ive failed every friend ive ever made haunts me like nothing else and its something im reminded of daily

knowing that one of the base responsibilities in a relationship with any human being is being present, but i have long periods of time where i cannot do that feels like a base failure at the most deep level. i cant and don't expect people to wait around forever. i will go months without being able to hold any real conversation with someone. i just dont want anyone to ever feel less cared for because of it, i think of everyone fondly

i think its also funny that logically i know friendships and acquaintances dont always last forever and that's okay. people are in each others lives for the times they need them and can keep each other. and you can always come back together if its wanted, but sometimes theres a lifespan and its fleeting, and you need to be okay with leaving people behind, and being left behind yourself

i think im just always used to my friendships having timers on them. when friendships last longer than a year those people become like extensions of my heart. i want everyone im friends with even for short times to feel warm and loved, because i know that life finds ways to bring people together and apart when it whims

i think im used to living like im on a timer in general. i dont expect things to last. im never under any assumption something will stay static. life is change. change is guaranteed. change isn't something to be afraid of

but it does scare me. intensely. i know that sometimes i let things go because the fight feels pointless. i know thats not always conducive to keeping relationships itself. i try anyway. im not sure it matters, but i want people to know that i Try. i feel that tug to Keep and Try so intensely

the problem is when i dont feel real, its hard to try. its hard to feel permanent. its hard to feel like anything matters. i get so used to floating as a defense mechanism that ive somewhat lost the ability to hold onto anything. everything feels like its running through my fingers. i tell myself itll all work out eventually

and it sometimes does. i have many lovely people in my life that are patient with me, and care in their own ways, and it makes me feel incredibly grateful and incredibly unworthy. everyone whos ever been patient with me when i disappear on and off for a few months deserves far better than i can give. im aware its not always about giving, but i feel like that by failing one of the core tenets of Being There most of the time im already asking for too much. i just hope that being there when i can is enough.

its harder to feel like any of these fears and issues are worth talking about when theyve plagued me for years. when ive tried to work on and patch the shortcomings and be Better for those i care about when it feels like i keep getting damaged in ways that set me back and make it harder to get back up

its hard to constantly explain myself as just going "through it" again. another week, month, couple months. especially when i know i could blame a lot of it on the last 2 years but that doesnt feel fair anymore. i know it's also my fault

so im sorry. genuinely and wholeheartedly. i know that i hurt people when im not present, when i stop answering and im barely there. i know its potentially uncomfortable for others. or who just worry. im also aware that theres people who probably havent given this a second thought, because theres also a possibility im making Up people who are mad at me out of my own self-loathing. i have no idea, because i know its also incredibly selfish to think im more than a passing thought when someone sees my name in a contacts list or online, but thats very unfortunately not how the brain works huh. im covering my bases at least

i want people to know im trying, that i care deeply, that im sorry, deeper. its hard to give proof of this. its also time i feel silly for having typed 38 paragraphs to post online like im doing a one on one therapy session with my little keyboard. its cathartic to say it out loud though. i spend too much time trying to be quiet. it feels like a waste if everyones time to put words to an experience that is not new to me over and over.

i am not always a perfect friend despite wanting to be desperately. i cant be there sometimes, and its funny (how many times will i say this) that once again im aware that theres no such thing. and trying is all anyone asks, and people will have plenty of friends who serve different social needs they have

absolutely mental to me that it Somehow feels life or death though. it feels ... dramatic to be so worked up about it, for years and years. or why Right Now is the breaking point in which i voice my very dramatic little fears

i dont know anymore, frankly. im trying to be real. im trying to be present. trying to remember what it feels like to feel looser and happier, instead of tightly wound and stuffed with cotton

i have post traumatic stress disorder, the months of september through february are already incredibly difficult for me. the month of march felt like i got my hopes up for nothing and the month of april feels like trying to come up for air

i feel guilty, lonely, and incredibly pathetic. its sad in hindsight and looking inward im aware its not all my fault, and its also not permanent

change is, as always, the only guarantee in life

but it means for the last half a year ive felt incredibly.....inhuman. a shell of someone. i don't know how to explain this to others without it feeling like an excuse. i dont want others to feel burdened by knowing they might have to sacrifice any comfort by being friends with me. its their choice to, its not like there's a single person on earth that doesnt come with baggage, but i feel guilty nonetheless. its hard to get over that sometimes. it used to be easier. it'll get easier again

i don't know what the point of this was. in genuinely do not expect anyone to have read any of this, im posting it and putting it into the wind.

but it felt like i needed to out it somewhere, remind myself that i always try. late last month i felt like giving up for the first time in a long while. needed to remind myself that i try. thats who i am. i keep moving. change is guaranteed. nothing is static, for better or worse

i am more than my illnesses and disabilities and i am worth patience and care, etcetera. if anyone needs me ill be trying to deal with my manic episode and little hallucinations

sorry if i disappear again. thank you for reading if you did. maybe writing this means ill feel better soon

[folkreid]

what if they don’t like me

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IN NO WAY AM I TRYING TO MAKE JJ SEEM LIKE A BAD PERSON OR ANYTHIJG I LOVE HER

Today's the day! I'm so excited. I'll be meeting Spencer's team. We've been dating for almost eight months, the team barley found out about me. Spencer wanted our relationship to be private, he said if the team found out about me they would ask too many questions.

I'm so excited to meet them! I can not wait. I met his mother maybe four months ago. She was lovely.

I finish off my makeup with some lipstick. Okay I look good. Right amount of cleavage, right amount of makeup. My heels aren't to high which is really good, I could hardly walk in them.

Spencer comes from behind me wrapping his arms around me. "You ready my love?" he asks putting his head on my shoulder. "Yeah I am" I reply with a sigh. "What's wrong babe?" he asks noticing my dreary mood. "What if they don't like me?" I look at the mirror, looking at him. He kissed my temple. "They're going to love you" he whispered.

I nod. "Okay i'm ready". He grabs my coat handing it to me, I put it on over my dress. He holds my hand as we walk to his car together. He opens my door, I sit down and he closes it for me.

The drive is mainly silent besides the radio. I hum along to the song that was playing trying to relax my nerves. "Why are you bouncing your leg?" he puts his hand over mine that was on my thigh.

I didn't even notice I was doing that. "I don't know"

He squeezed my hand. "Are you still nervous?" he asks looking over at me for a second. "Kind of, what if they question us because of my age"

Spencer and I were 10 years apart. He is 30 and i'm 20. We've gotten a lot of negative responses about our age gap. Mainly from my family. My mom didn't approve. My sister said I was dating him because he was older and I needed male validation since my dad wasn't in my life. Why are they so terrible. I'm happy with Spencer, I don't care how old he is.

"Hey, I don't care what they think of us, i'm happy alright" I nod slowly.

We arrive to the house. Woah it's a really big house. Spencer said the house was big. I didn't think it would be a mansion though.

Spencer comes over to me and opens my door.

I get out and hold his hand. I feel myself getting nervous. I have some issues with being around people. I get social anxiety pretty badly. I don't go out anymore, last time I went out to eat in public I had a panic attack.

We walk to the front door of the house.

Spencer knocks on the door, we wait for someone to answer. An older man answers. I'm guessing the owner of this house. "Spencer you're here!" the man smiles giving him a hug. I stand there awkwardly. "Uh Rossi this is Y/n, my girlfriend" he introduced me. I wave to him. "You don't shake hands either ?" he asked. I do shake hands but I usually feel really uncomfortable being touched. "I-I um" I stutter. "She does but she gets kind of uncomfortable with people she just met" Spencer explains. Rossi nods and welcomes me in. "Come in Y/n" he smiles.

I walk in and see two other men and three women. One of them was very colorful. Penelope I presume. Spencer leads me to the group. "Guys this is my girlfriend, Y/n. Y/n this is Hotch, JJ, Derek, Emily, and Penelope" both Emily and JJ give me weird looks. Penelope runs over to me and hugs me. "Oh my god! I've been so excited to meet you" she squeals. I look over to Spencer feeling slightly uncomfortable. "Garcia, Y/n isn't really fond of touch" he tells her. Penelope pulls away looking sorry. "I am so sorry angel" she says. "No it's totally fine" I whisper, they could hardly hear me. My parents used to scream at me about not talking loud enough.

"Okay well let's eat" Rossi says. I sat down at the end of the table, Spencer to my right and no one on my left. We begin to eat, I slightly here JJ and Emily whispering. I hear them say my name. I begin shifting in my seat. Spencer noticed and holds my hand under the table doing the dumb thing. "You okay love?" he whispers. "Yeah I um, I just need to use the restroom" I tell him. He nods. "I'm going to show Y/n the restroom" he excuses us.

"Here it is babe" he says. "You want me to wait for you?" he asked me. "No it's fine Spencer" he nods and heads back to the table.

I sit on the corner of the bath tub with my face in my hands. I just need to calm down. Breathe in and out. In and out. I feel myself calm down after about three minutes. I go look into the mirror. Do I look like I cried? No okay good.

I step out, I stop at the corner when I hear my name mentioned. "How old is Y/n" I look over the wall to see JJ asking about my age. "She's twenty" he casually says. I adore him. He's never made me feel bad for being younger, or not being as smart as him. "Spencer that's a child" Derek told him.

I walk out to the table. "I'm not a child" I say. They all look over to me. I take my seat next to Spencer. "I would never take advantage of someone younger than me" Spencer says. "Spencer we know but she's so young" Emily comments.

"I'm right here you don't have to refer as me as she" I sternly say. Hotch, Penelope and Rossi just watch this unfold. JJ rolls her eyes at me. "Okay well Y/n, why are you dating such and older guy, if you aren't dating guys you're age theres a reason why" Derek said to me.

"I um- I don't care if Spencer is two years older or twenty years older, i'm happy with him the age doesn't matter" I say holding Spencer's hand. "Are you sure it's not to maybe make you feel better" the blonde said. "What are you implying" Spencer snaps.

"That she has daddy issues and you're just there to fill that whole in her heart" Emily continued off of JJ's comment. "I think if they're happy we should leave them alone" Penelope speaks for the first time since the conversation started. "Yeah but he should be happy with someone his own age" JJ said. I get up and walk outside.

I sit on the curb crying into my knees. "Y/n" I hear a voice perk. I look over my shoulder to see Penelope. "Y/n come back inside please, we don't want anything to happen to you" she says implying to the fact that it was dark outside and there were suspicious men on the news around this area.

"Maybe you don't want me to get hurt, the others hate me" I cry into my shirt. "Please just come inside". I give in and walk back into the house.

"You guys made her cry! For what?! Just because she's younger than me!" I see Spencer yell at the three who were questioning me.  Hotch and Rossi were in the back having some drinks.

"Spence" JJ starts. "No I don't want to hear it Jennifer!" he storms my way grabbing my hand and pulling me to the car. "Goodbye Y/n" Penelope called from the front of the house. I look back and give her a quick wave.

I get into the car and Spencer starts driving. He was gripping the stealing wheel hard. He was mad. "Spence?" I whisper. He hummed in response. "Are you mad at me?" he looks over to me the second those words left my mouth. He puts his hand on my thighs stroking it gently. "Of course not my love, i'm  mad at them" he gently told me. I nod. "So now what?" I ask. "Now we just ignore what they have to say. I'm never going to leave you, I love you so much" he smiles. "I love you too" I hold his hand.

"Are you okay?" he asked me. "I'm fine, I liked the way you yelled at them" I slightly giggled. He smiled. "I will yell at anyone any day to defend you" he reaches over and kisses me. We were at a red light.

—————————

THE NEXT MORNING

I hear talking in the kitchen, I wonder who it is. I go over and peek over the corner. It was Spencer and JJ. "I'm sorry for saying shit to your girlfriend Spence" she apologizes. Spencer just takes a sip of his water. "The truth is, I guess I was a little jealous" she laughs. He choked on his water. "J-Jealous?" he asked.

She nods and slightly laughed. "Spencer, I love you, like more than a friend love you" she confess. I feel my self get sick to my stomach. He told me when he was younger he had a crush on her. What if old feelings come back. I rush to the restroom and vomit into the toilet.

I hear footsteps rush to me. "Are you okay" Spencer acts. I slightly sob, i've always hated throwing up. I look up at Spencer and JJ was standing next to him with her hand on his arm. "I'm fine" I mumble. They both stand their for a moment. "Can you guys get out please!" I snap at them. They leave and I brush my teeth and go back to the kitchen.

"Do you think Y/n is pregnant?" JJ asked Spencer. "No there's no way she is" he sighs. "What if a condom ripped or something" she said touching his arm once again. I don't care if she was trying to comfort him.

"No, she can't be because we've never had sex" he mumbled. Her facial expressions changes to shock. "Oh" she simply says. I clear my throat making them notice me. "Are you okay babe?" he asked. "Yeah i'm fine, JJ weren't you saying something earlier?" I ask. She looks at me confused. "What are you talking about Y/n" she tilts her head. I cross my arms. "Spencer I love you, like more than a friend love you" I mock her voice. She clenched her jaw and looks towards Spencer. "I'm gonna leave" she grabs her things and walks out the door.

"Why did you do that!" he yells at me. "Why are you yelling at me?" I head towards our bedroom. "Talk about what she said, now it's going to be awkward around her!" he screams.

"Well you're the one who was letting her be all up on you! After she said that when you guys came to check up on me she was holding your arm! A-And you used to have feelings for her and you probably still do" I cry.

I see his face soften. "Babe" he starts. I look up at him. "I didn't even realize she was touching me, I was to focused on you" he tells me.

"Really?" I say hopefully. "Yes baby" he hugs me and kisses the top of my head. "I don't have feelings for her, you're the only person I love okay?" I nod.