#like. i have autism. i say the wrong thing i do embarrassing and weird stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autisticgirliesbracket · 1 year

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What makes Asa Mitaka from Chainsaw Man the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Asa-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a manga panel of Asa in the top right corner, she has been edited to be wearing a blue cap with the words "Please be patient I have autism" printed on the front. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"Goes to the aquarium with a guy and infodumps about sea anemonies."

"I kin her unironically. Unbelievable social awkward. Goes to an aquarium date where she spends the entire time explaining facts about the Animals fully in an attempt to impress her date. She must be avenged from the ADHD vs Autism bracket. Is isolated from her peers. Chronically lonely but won't open up to anyone(not sure if that's an Autism thing or just a personal problem probably a combination of both) Have you read the Manga?"

"has a VERY hard time with social interaction"

"She is absolutely baffled by everything + doesn't get most things at first"

"there's an extended scene where she flirts with a boy by lecturing him about sea anemone life cycles, breeding patterns, and other extended trivia. the whole time she is thinking to herself "he must be falling in love with me right about now. this is an irresistible date." "

"Literally infodumps to the boy shes on a date with for like 3 straight pages and then goes "i'm so alluring. he definetely wants me now" "

"from the scene that was all over tumblr where she infodumps about starfish on an aquarium date and considers this her Ultimate Seduction Technique. a guy on reddit literally got diagnosed because he could relate to her. it's awesome"

"Tried to impress a guy on a date by monologuing starfish facts about him, was genuinely astonished that that didn't drive him wild with desire. Also she's sharing her body with a horsewoman of the apocalypse but that's unrelated."

"If her long-winded rant about sea creatures as an attempt to seduce someone wasn't enough, then a lot of her trauma is based around being ostracized for being weird and quiet. She doesn't understand people but wants companionship anyways, even if shes also afraid of it."

"She feels disconnected to her peers. She literally infodumps while on a date for thirty minutes about starfish. She doesn't see this as a social faux pas, but rather something any sane person would do. (Basically, doesn't realize this is abnormal.) She misses social cues frequently. She feels below average empathy, I'd say. Asa also said she wanted to die after embarrassing herself in public. That doesn't mean she's autistic or anything, but I'm autistic and I do it a lot. Also, I'm autistic and I relate to her, so she kind of has a peer reviewed diagnosis by me lol."

"Socially awkward and prone to info dumping."

"shes cringe fail and has no idea what shes doing ever i love her so much (shes just like me fr"

"I’m sure you’ve seen her failgirl cringe aquarium infordump that she’s sure will charm any boy (note: fails to charm the world’s loosest teenage boy.) She sucks at a lot of social stuff but also doesn’t get why and just thinks she’s wrong or cursed or smth. Likes animals over people. Doesn’t have a single friend until another loner who happens to be more extroverted basically adopts her as her friend."

"1) thought lecturing her date about sea creatures for like 30 minutes each would impress him and make him like her and was confused when he wasn’t into it (I would be into it tho it’s ok bby he just has adhd). 2) had the date planned out to the MINUTE and told the poor guy to shut up when he wanted to do something different. Literally a formula for how to have fun and she thought it was foolproof. 3) encyclopedic knowledge of sea creatures either points to a special interest and/or she just decided to research all that shit the night before for the date (she did say she went to the library in preparation), either way. tism I love her I’m rotating her in my brain" End ID.]

#autistic girlies bracket #autistic girlie masterpost #chainsaw man #asa mitaka

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heresiae · 5 months

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I've been diagnosed

So, yesterday my diagnose of autism and ADHD has been confirmed.

I'm quite surprise by the fact that, for some people, this is not a good news because I thought I was very clear that I was very happy to finally know what the heck was wrong with me.

It took 39 years to arrive at this point and I do feel like celebrating.

I finally know why I process (or not) stuff the way I do. I finally know what the heck is going on when I'm in a frenzy. I finally know why I have the same song in repeat in my head (and on the music player) for the last 10 days. Not only that, I have the official confirmation of it.

Knowing allows me so many things, the first and foremost to accept myself and that all my weird things are not only legitimate but I also need them. I can indulge my brain when it needs to do its stuff without the voice in my head telling me how useless and stupid I am. I can stop the feeling of embarrassment to ask for clarification every time I don't understand what's happening. I can be nice to myself.

Also, I can give warnings and do what's necessary to avoid meltdowns at work, at social events, etc...

My weird brain is neuro-divergent and that's ok.

(And the next one that say to me "I don't think you're neurospicy, you don't look like it" is going to be hit with a sanpietrino)

#autism #adhd #yes I'm one of those happy to be finally diagnose #I mean I'm not happy at all with the adhd but now I can get meds for it

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zuzsenpai · 26 days

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Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

#Zuzu note;#personal post for ts #tw mental illness #mental health mention #thoughts on autism #tw verbal abuse #tw emotional abuse

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englishmagic · 4 months

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In other news, today my boomer mother suggested I look into getting an autism diagnosis. The one person I was most sure would go on about ‘oh these silly young people, everyone wants a diagnosis for everything these days’.

I guess that’s… a sign that I might not just be overestimating the significance of relatable memes to figuring out what’s “wrong” with me

In more annoying news, she told me my sister had said she hoped I’d shave my face for her birthday. Why do these people care so much about MY appearance, like. I don’t give a shit what they look like. Whatever makes them happy, you know? I’d appreciate the same courtesy in return. Then again, my sister didn’t literally tell me to shave; she mentioned it to my mother, and I don’t know if that is better or worse. But it certainly rubs me the wrong way that my mother felt the need to tell me about it.

Thinking about it, these women are always surprised or even offended if I don’t comment when they get a new haircut. So they literally make their aesthetic choices hoping to get comments. Whereas I would ideally not have people commenting on my appearance altogether. I guess I enjoy the odd compliment, like on my badass tattoo or my rocking outfit. But if someone comments that “oh, you cut your hair!” I almost kind of panic and want to bark back, “and what of it?!?” Like I’m expecting a criticism. I don’t make my appearance choices expecting people to like them and comment on them, I make them mostly despite what I expect those closest to me will think. It’s about expressing me and feeling comfortable in myself. If I comment on their appearance, it’s either because I especially like their look that day or because they’ve made a visible effort which, while not being my cup of tea, deserves some commendation.

(Well. I will occasionally say something akin to “hey I notice you’ve lost a lot of weight over a short period of time, is everything okay” but that’s because I know my mother has a history of disordered eating. And I don’t really do that anymore because she takes it as a compliment because skinny=good in her mind and that’s not. What I mean.)

And guess what, beyond those comments, I don’t actually think about or notice their appearance that much. Is that rude of me? I’m always lowkey worried about being rude because there’s stuff I don’t notice which I’m supposed to comment on. But I don’t really pay attention to people’s appearances; it’s their business. And if I don’t feel compelled to say anything about them TO THEM, why the fuck would I want to say something about them to other people?!? It’s so weird! When I say something about someone else’s appearance to others, it’s always positive! I think? Maybe I say mean stuff and I forget about it? That can be the case; I wouldn’t put it past my memory to overwrite bad stuff I do and say to make myself look good to myself. But like. The rare bad comment I have to make about someone. I will definitely not utter. Especially not to someone who knows the person.

All this to say that I would hate to upset my sister so I will probably shave my face before going to her birthday. I am trying to work on my confidence in my facial hair, because I sometimes like it and sometimes don’t, but importantly it’s the only thing about my appearance that makes anyone I’ve met question whether or not I am a woman. Which I am not. And obviously that’s kind of important to me, to have people view me as not-a-woman.

(And yes, I do fully suspect that that’s why they don’t like my facial hair - it’s too unusual, to unwomanly, and they’d prefer it if I were nonbinary in private and presented female to the world so as not to embarrass them by association.)

#soz life #that last bit became a bit of a rant huh #behind the readmore it goes

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autistpride · 5 months

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Hi.. I hope you don't mind a bit of a long ask. So I've seen from your posts that you have autism, and I was wondering if I could have your opinion on something. More recently I've been questioning if I might have autism myself, but I'm really unsure about it and my family seems pretty adamant that I don't. The main reason that they think I don't is because they're used to stereotypes, and they don't think I could have it because I understand and use a lot of sarcasm, even though I've told them that it's a spectrum and everyone is different. Of course I know that your opinion won't make up for an official diagnosis, but as of now I'm too embarrassed to even mention that I MIGHT have it, because if I'm wrong I'll feel like one of those people who fakes disorders or something. So, if you're willing to listen, I was going to list out some of the traits that I've been called 'weird' or 'alien' over, and see if maybe you think they could possibly mean autism? I hope that's okay with you 😅

•I always get the exact same foods from restaurants that I go to frequently. If they don't have what I usually get, I most likely won't eat anything at all.

•Speaking of those foods, I always eat them in the exact same order. The burger, then the fries, then the nuggets. The breadsticks, then the fish, then the shrimp, y'know? I don't know when or why I started doing this, I've just sort of always done it.

•I have a huge problem staying still, something that I get very self conscious about in public. I'm always tapping my feet, rocking back and forth, clicking something in my hands, chewing on water bottle caps, and just generally refusing to sit in one spot. I also love to pace when I'm trying to formulate ideas, as I feel it really helps me think.

•I can't stand wearing jeans. I mean I won't go crazy if I have to, but they always make me feel restricted. I thought for a while that it was just how restricting they were, but I've found that other tight pants don't make me feel the same way?

•I DESPISE nail files. I can't explain it, but just the sensation of that sandpaper-like stuff rubbing against my nails activates my fight or flight response, I just feel like bolting it gives me bad goosebumps all over.

•I hyperfixate on stuff hard, I pick things up quick but also drop them hard. Recently I picked up DC/Batfam as a hyperfixation and I've been fully leaning into it ever since, spending pretty much all of my time making art or stories about it (Or at the very least thinking about the characters in some way). However back a few years ago I was hyperfixated on Markiplier Egos, and then one day I just.. Dropped it out of nowhere, and haven't been able to pick it back up since.

•This one's really iffy but I feel like I get irritated a lot super super easily, and I used to think it was just anger issues but for one: It's almost never something to get upset about, and for two: It usually happens when I've been talking to someone for a little too long or when someone interrupts my quiet time. So if we're going with the whole maybe autism thing, it might be overstimulation..? Idk..

•I'm super light sensitive, pretty much every time I go outside I say 'Wow it's bright out there" when I come back in. It's so noticeable that I used to not only notice, but attribute it to an eye injury I had once. Except that injury wasn't serious and is fully healed, so that's probably not it.

•I have a lot of trouble speaking sometimes. I feel like my words never come out the way that I want them to, and I often end up slurring them around so much that what I'm trying to say becomes pretty much incomprehensible, which always makes me frustrated because I get misunderstood a lot.

•I don't really understand what other people are feeling most of the time, and I get annoyed when they won't just tell me what they want instead of vaguely hinting about it and expecting me to know what they need.

•I'm always being told to speak up because I 'mumble', even though I think I'm talking at an acceptable volume.

•I ramble. A lot. (Sorry 😭👍)

But yeah, those are just some of the thing that I've been jokingly called 'strange' for over the years. Like I said earlier, I know that your opinion is nothing like an actual diagnosis, but hearing your thoughts on whether or not I might have it would mean a lot to me since you're someone who's been diagnosed!

Hi annon!

Let me preface this by saying I'm so proud of you for really taking the time to think about all this and dig into your life and behaviors.

Then to ask someone about it is very brave!

I wish there was a way to reply without showing your entire ask message. I feel terrible sharing your private thoughts with everyone.

I'm not a professional so I don't feel qualified to say yes or no. And as much as I want to give you some reassurance, I can't give you something definite. Especially when I don't know you in order to form a proper opinion.

Yes many of those things are things that indicate you could be autistic.

There is a lot of overlap and they could be things related to other Neurodivergent diagnosis such as ADHD, anxiety, OCD, etc and not just autism.

However, I will say if you're even questioning if you're autistic it's a pretty good chance you're autistic or some kind of Neurodivergent. Most neurotypical people often don't think this hard on if they could be autistic or not. 😉

You have put a lot of thought into this and my suggestion is to keep researching and doing what you're doing. Keeping notes also if you'd like. Why?

Because....

1. Keeping notes and continuing research allows you to have a record of everything.

2. The notes would also come in handy for if you ever seek an assessment.

3. With more time, you will become more self aware and confident in your thoughts on what you believe about if you're autistic. You can then sit down with your family and explain why you think you're autistic.

4. If the comes a time you'd like to try an assessment, you can talk to a gp or therapist if you have one and have them place the appropriate things for you to have that done. Your family needn't be part of the process if you're of legal age. But you may need adult permission for the evaluation if you are considered a minor.

5. Self diagnosis is valid in the autism community. Its valid because a diagnosis is very challenging for many to obtain, and in some situations dangerous.

This doesn't mean someone just wakes up one morning and says "oh I think I'm autistic today". No. They have done hours and hours of research and evaluated their own life, mannerisms, and behaviors, and said "I really think I'm autistic."

Self diagnosised individuals get the benefit of knowing themselves and finding support in the community without ever getting access to supports any official way. They can't get school/work accomodations, financial assistance, medical/mental health services, or really any supports put in place that require an official diagnosis to obtain.

Some would claim self diagnosis isn't valid due to exactly what you pointed out, making a claim of a diagnosis without qualifications and due to the huge overlap and other factors, but the wait times, cost, and unfortunately things like race and gender are barriers to obtaining an assessment and diagnosis. I know in the UK the current NHS wait time is 7-10 years unless you go private. I know in the US getting an assessment as an adult is challenging as most professionals won't evaluate people over 18 and the cost is upwards to $7k depending on location because most insurances won't cover it.

You are always welcome to continue messaging me. I'm happy to answer any questions and I honestly enjoy talking to people when I can.

And in case no one's told you

You're not broken, a burden, and there is nothing wrong with you!

Be your best and amazing self! ✨

#my asks

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slickshoesareyoucrazy · 2 years

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A Surprisingly Real Part

It's a tad embarrassing that I tend to only reach self awareness through having it pointed out to me by a trusted person close to me (like A or J or my friend M), or through fiction, either the stuff I wrote or stuff someone else wrote that I can actually relate to. And I've only recently realized how my fictional heroines that are probably the most like me are so very clearly autistic. Like...I almost always write an introverted heroine, but (for those of you who have read my work, the names are hopefully familiar) Mary Sue Rice, Samantha Jenkins/Goodman, Stephanie Bamford, and Jessica Fielding/Evers are...on the spectrum. They just...are.

Being both gifted but somehow also constantly feeling like a disappointment. Having a hard time connecting with people in person. Being sensitive emotionally and physically. Being a blunt, direct, literal, and honest communicator. Having the tendency to over explain things. Needing to know the reasons why people do things or believe things or why those rules exist in order to feel good about following them. Seeking certain activities and sensations for comfort/avoiding others because of discomfort, despite it being 'weird' or uncommon or unpopular. I mean...those things are ME. But because of the stereotyping and stigmas attached to autism, if you would have asked me even 3 years ago if I considered myself autistic, I'd have said no. No one ever mentioned that possibility to me in my lifetime. I think 'boys have it more,' and 'really self-centered' and 'really poor communicator' and 'robotic/unemotional all the time' sort of negated the possibility to anyone who might say it regarding me. I'm almost exclusively other focused, and autism is supposed to be a condition that means self-focused. And in writing at least, I'm not a bad communicator. But I've heard that 'heartless and cold' shit a lot in my life, and that's just false. I think a lot of autistic people actually have really high empathy, they just don't show emotion the way neurotypical people do. Plus, I mean...I had a LOT of emotional suppression as a kid. You're laughing too loud; talking too loud/too much; don't cry; don't sing; don't make that noise/face...I mean...of course I've learned to look and act like a robot. That's a lot of repetition of the same lesson.

People DID bring it up about my brother. In the early 1990s when he was a toddler and elementary school aged kid. My mom took him to a doctor after a couple of early educators used the word autism in front of her. The doctor she took him to (the same one who said there was nothing wrong with my legs and reproductive system when she took me there and he said growing pains and normal cramps and gave me painkillers that made me sleepy when other doctors in adulthood gave me corrective equipment for standing and walking and emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy) told her there was no way he was autistic, because he'd give us hugs and look at us when we called his name. He was 'too normal.' All autistic people, to this doctor, were Rain Man or more obvious about it. So my mom just moseyed on, assured her kid was normal. (My brother is quite blatantly autistic; strangers meeting him for the first time pick up on it right away). He has a master's degree in special education now and diagnosed himself; my mom probably should have listened to the educators when he was a kid, but on the other hand, he's doing great without specialized intervention. And so am I. But the denial of something that pretty significantly affected our lives as kids obviously had an impact.

When I read things written by and for autistic people, I always relate. I see myself. I see my brother. I see my dad. I told my mom that my dad is almost certainly on the spectrum too. And she said she feels like a fool, not only having to have her kids figure it out for themselves as adults, but not recognizing it in my DAD, the man she's been with for over 50 years and married to for 48. And for the first time she said she felt sorry about how she's treated all of us, especially my dad, for so long. I told her busting up routine and structure is kind of traumatic for people like us, and she admitted she did that to us, especially Dad, on purpose, pretty often. That's still pain I'm dealing with a lot. It comes out in the fiction. It's probably why I've written four fictional autistic women.

I dunno. Guess I just felt like writing this today.

#it's fucking bizarre recognizing and realizing major shit about yourself in your mid 40s

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cryptometaphor · 2 months

Text

(She's goin on a rant about how Israel moves into neighborhoods with food trucks masquerading as genuine meal deals for liberals. Chinese, Indian food, it's all cuisine imperialism.)

Sarah: What?

Me: I think I must be the "weird" Kamala cucks are talking about. Cause you say shit like "cuisine-imperialism" and it's the cutest thing ever.

Sarah: It's true though

Stream admin: This man is in love with the IDEA of autism...

Sarah: Ok are you insulting me now? I can't fucking tell. Yes, men are weird. Just say how you feel.

Me: Nigga I'm telling you how I feel. You're fucking adorable.

Admin: And I'm telling you this guy got it down bad. Noone is making fun of you.

Sarah: Oh... I mean thank you honey. But like, do men just always kinda talk like they're ready to stuff somebody into a locker?

Me: YES lol

Admin: It's the testosterone...

Sarah: omg I'm glad I did not fall into the tranny-trap.

Me: LOL oh we should watch the Parent Trap. I think the daughter's name is Sarah. Or is that escape to witch mountain?

Admin: Your brain just went to two movies about twins.

Me: Two cute cunny twins. In fact I think it's the same actress.

Admin: Jesus Christ they were like twelve.

Me: So was I. Admin: You're not twelve anymore.

Me: Neither are they. Admin: Yeah but don't say cunny.

Sarah: Now you just sound like you're bullying each other.

Me: I mean we kinda are.

Sarah: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE

Admin: I'm being bullied babysitting y'all.

Me: I'm being bullied having to be here instead of being kissed and hugged away from you normies.

Sarah: I'm only here cause you are. I could argue with them in the comments section.

Me: REALLY?! Oh you are fucking perfect!

Admin: Call her cunny if there's nothing wrong with it.

Me: But she's more than cunny. Like cunny just means attractive.

Admin: That is not what cunny means. Or at least shouldn't given the context...

Another girl: Ok so she's autistic and Jim is just...crazy? I'm not even gonna say a creep. Like I wish a guy acted like that to me. And I've learned to accept guys do love "cunny".

Me: Funny cunny.

That girl: THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Me: It's funny to say cunny.

Admin: Jim is such a high-T alpha male that he operates on an entirely different wave-length of just letting his intrusive thoughts speak for him.

Me: Precisely. Sarah I love you.

Sarah: Oh, uhh...I love you too.

Everyone else: Awwwww

Black atheist man: (pretends to hurl)

Sarah: This is so friggin embarrassing Jesus Christ.

Admin: You're embarrassed?! This is MY show. Jim's just taken it over. Talk about cuisine imperialist.

Me: Ok it's not cute when you say it.

Admin: I wasn't trying to be. Don't want you calling me funny-cunny.

Me: You SAY THAT but it's written all over your face. You want me. I'm adorable.

Admin: Ok see, THAT'S intrusive thoughts. Your ego is so massive that you have to believe everyone is just thirsting after you, or if they hate you, it's envy and/or they're ideological Jihadists.

Me: Yes. Admin: No. That's insane.

That girl: I think we've established he's Joker maxxing.

Black atheist man: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE

Me: I TOLD YOU cause Sarah is here

Sarah: I'm here cause you're here

(other girl posts the Mr. Meseeks clip of them pointing and arguing "well he dragged me into this" "well he dragged ME into this!")

0 notes

myrandomautistichouse · 5 months

Note

•I always get the exact same foods from restaurants that I go to frequently. If they don't have what I usually get, I most likely won't eat anything at all.

•People always tell me to speak up because I 'mumble', even though I think I'm talking at an acceptable level.

•The last time I got told suddenly I was going to have to go on a trip, I cried so hard that they just cancelled it lmao

•I ramble. A lot. (Sorry 😭👍)

First thank you for the ask.

So when I read your list, I see that you can be autistic. I don't like certain fabrics. I can also be quickly irritated by people.

There are some that can be both for autisic people and ADHD.

When it comes to words. When I have a hard time speaking, I'm either tired. Or I'm having an emotional start of a bad day

When I read the list. I think you are autisic. If you want a diagnosis, find one who listens to you. Getting one is hard. I was lucky with my parents and a good doctor

Also, I don't mind the long text. You can always ask me stuff .

#myrandomautistichouse #ask annon #thanks for the ask

0 notes

mammoneymelon · 4 years

Text

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you.

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?”

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?”

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air.

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself.

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast.

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

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troglobite · 2 years

Text

okay i am loath to admit this to any medical or psychological professional in my life but i do feel i need to say

my therapist asked me how i’m doing w having received an Official Diagnosis for hEDS, and now having MCAS too (which hasn’t been Officially Diagnosed but like honestly, we’re fully on the right track here, and it takes like a skin sample to test to prove it)

and my answer to her was kind of funny but true

i’m VERY happy--honestly normal for anyone trying to get a difficult diagnosis who’s known they might have it, etc.

but i’m also feeling like the 12 year olds all of us are looking at like “....i am. so happy for you. [quietly seething but not in the 12 year old’s direction]”

y’know what i mean? i KNOW ppl have taken YEARSSSSSS to get an EDS diagnosis even though it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS bc they had an even more serious type of it! drs who wouldn’t get them a genetic test even though other family members had it--or worse, other family members definitely had it but had never been diagnosed, so they were like “well no one in your family had it so i won’t test you” like dO YOU NOT SEE THE PROBLEM YOU’RE PERPETUATING HERE?!

anyway.

so point being i feel like the 12 year old going around talking abt how their parents have tried out 3 pronoun sets for them, how they’ve changed their name four times, how all their friends are queer, etc., and wearing like badges and pins on their bags in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

with all of the adults looking at the 12 year old like--heartwarmingly happy that it’s possible &that this child isn’t suffering, but also so so so bitter that it couldn’t happen for them.

so that was the answer i gave her

and it is TRUE. i do feel that way. i sometimes feel that way re: queer and trans stuff, too. i was never beaten up or anything and i just avoid coming out to ppl who won’t take it well, or i keep them out of my life--and i have the privilege of doing that, y’know? and for the most part ppl have been chill abt my pronouns. mostly.

so anyway that’s the Big part of it.

the other part of it that i haven’t voice aloud is....

this diagnosis is satiating a very weird childhood thought/feeling/urge/desire of mine that i haven’t thought abt in a long time.

i think it also kind of happened when i realized i was autistic.

basically--

i feel vindication and joy and a thrill at there being something...idk any better way to say it. something “kind of wrong with me”. just a little bit.

y’know what maybe i should talk abt this in therapy bc this could probably be related to uhhhhh--....well a lot of things. succinctly: thinking i don’t deserve positive love attn and support most of the time.

so having something diagnosed about it is like HA-HA! I HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON TO ASK FOR SUPPORT AND ATTENTION!

there’s also this weird thing of like

oh i do get to complain abt my body hurting! and that matters! and it’s not an embarrassing thing of me just ~being out of shape~ or ~doing something wrong~ or whatever! like

something is just WRONG with my body’s collagen! like it don’t work right!

and so both autism and hEDS (and also MCAS) are like--

no, no. you ARE miserable ALL THE FUCKING TIME. and you ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. and that’s fine. and like we [diagnoses] can point at all of this stuff for you and be like “no yeah, it’s actually legit, i promise”

i’m sure this will wear off bc it has for autism. or at least i’ve hit a different wall w being autistic.

but idk i just have this THRILL of being like. no something is wrong w me but not in a scary way, so i can just. have attn and support abt it.

i feel weird and guilty for feeling this way but as i’ve recently discovered, i have MANY unresolved and unexamined issues around this sort of thing. and i imagine it’s not all that uncommon.

also though i’m fully aware that even with diagnoses most people don’t get the respect or support or concern or empathy and compassion that they would deserve even without diagnoses.

it’s just an internal thing for me. it’s a weird--okay i feel like i’ve read abt other ppl having this fantasy as a kid.

like breaking an arm and getting all the attention in the classroom. some kids lowkey fantasize abt that, right? i was one of them.

and this kind of. scratches that itch in a way.

so this is where i’m currently at with Processing It All.

and mostly what i’ve done is just recommend my dr to ANYONE in the area who needs help w any type of EDS or MCAS or even POTS (which i don’t have) bc i want to just make sure everyone can get a diagnosis and speak with a dr who is as proactive, respectful, helpful, kind, generous, and knowledgeable as this woman i’m seeing now.

like i truly cannot overstate how amazing and helpful she’s been, and i’ve only had 3 appt with her.

ANYWAY so that’s it. i just wanted to. put these feelings somewhere and think abt them out loud. i haven’t been able to talk abt it with my mom & the fear abt sharing this w anyone in certain positions in my life is like--i don’t want them to think i’ve somehow faked this, y’know?

although it’s p fucking hard to fake a 7/9 on the beighton scale with several other points in favor of hEDS as well as a “variant of uncertain significance” on a gene that codes for collagen so like lololol

ANYWAY

me, hunched over my laptop bc my stomach’s upset so i got to sit up straight and my shoulder pops and my upper back sounds like bubble wrap lolololol

ANYWAY

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aegialia · 3 years

Text

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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formless-monkeys · 4 years

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What is your favorite relationship(s) in the show (romantically or platonically, doesn’t matter!)

Anon you will regret opening pandora’s box. Or not. In any case, this post is going to be very long because I’m full of love. Also, anything marked romantic does not need to be romantic for me to lose my shit over them. In no particular order, either. Just in the order I thought of them.

1. The Black-eyed trio

Characters: Otto, Sparx, and Gibson.

Type: Platonic, Romantic,

Explanation: These three are grouped together by virtue of not being obscenely powerful and serving more practical uses on the team. Also, their eyes are all the same color. Besides the poetic connections of the colors of their design, they were alone in the robot together while the other three monkeys were out training.

Sparx and Gibson’s interactions give me life, going from playful jabs to genuine fighting right back to ride-or-die is amazing. The beginning of Night Of Fear, the battles in Brothers In Arms, and a bunch of small moments throughout the series are wonderful for this.

I could write an essay about Otto and Gibson, and someone else already has, but I’ll summarize it as ADHD autism solidarity with a side of Shut The Fuck Up Gibson. They care about each other and learn to respect each other in a way that’s better for both of them. I know a real-life Gibson to my Otto and learning that she’s just pretentious and doesn’t really hate anyone, and figuring out that we’re both equally brilliant and incredibly similar has made life a million times better.

Otto and Sparx don’t have as much development as Gibson with both of them, but their jokes together and general trust is amazing. Sparx is the dumb monkey and Otto supports him in his himbo endeavors.

These three together make an unstoppable technical team, and the only reason they probably couldn’t be a superhero team on their own is because of the raw power and fun dynamics brought by the other half of the team.

Romantically, these three would make the DUMBEST polycule ever. There is no true mediator here. It’s three dumbasses figuring out how they could possibly share a twin-sized bed when they have the ability to just make a bigger bed. Gibson calculates the most efficient 3 monkey makeout and none of them follow the statistics. They all give Chiro equally useless and conflicting advice on homework. Trying to give them a mediator in the polycule just makes me go back to shipping polymonkeys because I literally can’t decide if Antauri or Nova go better with them.

2. Quiet trust and encouragement

Characters: Otto, Antauri

Type: Platonic, Romantic

Explanation: When Otto is being dismissed by the other monkeys, or by the show itself, Antauri is usually the first to say “that’s bullshit, Otto is wonderful”. Circus Of Ooze is a notable example, but there are little moments in other seasons as well.

I just love the idea of the historically MOST SERIOUS and strongest monkey, sometimes even elevated to god-like status by some fanworks... paired with the monkey that has been infantilized and disrespected to no end. I personally like making Antauri have to lean on Otto, just to subvert that even further.

Beyond spite, I ship this simply because I like their dynamic. Antauri needs someone to ground him with more tactile physical things, and Otto needs someone to share his more nebulous thoughts I can’t imagine the others listening to. I love them.

Also, I want Antauri to unlock his true dumbass potential. He has the abilities, but not the will. Be silly with Otto. I want to hear him snort-laugh.

I literally forgot all the silver monkey stuff but I got three fics about that you know I go nuts over mechanic x robot shit.

3. The monkeys and their human son.

Characters: Chiro, Antauri, Nova, Sparx, Gibson, Otto

Type: Familial

Explanation: This family gives me joy. They were forced together through astronomical means and they made the best of it.

Everyone living in the robot is absolutely fucked up. They help each other in the darkest of times. They lift each other up when it’s light. They are a perfect team and nobody can be missing without it feeling wrong. But they can add people!

“Girl Trouble” as a concept is AMAZING to me but my secondhand embarrassment is so strong that I hate the episode. But never once is any of the monkeys resentful of Chiro. Not even Mandarin is like “wow I wish he didn’t take my place” no he’s also struck with the urge to nurture this kid to his fullest potential. Whether you see the team as a bunch of older siblings or 4 dads and a mom doesn’t really matter, they’re a family.

I mean, this also has a sprinkling of shipping all the monkeys in a really domestic way because I like seeing my optimal future in characters I like, but like literally all of these, it doesn’t need to be romantic for me to go nuts. I just think it would be fun to throw just a big monkey wedding or whatever. And funnier for Antauri to go “Chiro I’m having a baby. The baby is you” and holding up adoption papers because on the principle of Toby “Radiation” Fox I love that joke, especially when made much less weird than the original context.

I have a set of characters who is just 5 people in a polycule raising kids and living life because I really love this concept as a family.

4. Evil Coworkers

Characters: Mandarin, Sakko

Type: Romantic, Platonic,

Explanation: Why the hell are these two, in particular, working together? SK could’ve put Mandarin with literally anybody else and he chose what on the surface appears to be the LEAST compatible person on the account that they’re both monkeys. Some bitter asshole who now looks like the epitome of toxic masculinity and this tiny pink pet who used his femininity both as an advantage and a style. They’re different but it ends up working really well for both of them because they’re different in ways that cover each other’s bases. It’s wonderful. Pink and Orange go well together. Green and Purple go well together. Mandarin and Sakko go well together. Also, they clearly trust each other. During almost the entirety of “Hidden Fortress” Sakko was presumably just chilling inside of Mandarin’s armor. Mandarin trusted him enough to have Sakko in a place where he’s able to mess with his cybernetics, and Sakko trusted Mandarin enough to go into the battlefield with him and probably get tossed around.

If they were both human and in a more modern media, then they would definitely be shipped in the straightest way you can get without actually being straight. The Straightest Gay Ship.

5. A Witch and her Accidental Evil Coworker

Characters: Skelemandarin, Valeena.

Type: Platonic, Romantic,

Explanation: These two have been through some shit. Skelemandy was made to serve Skeleton King only to have that purpose yanked away from him. Valeena was groomed to idolize and serve Skeleton King for nearly her entire life. They were forced together by SHEER CHANCE and they both hated it. Arguably they both died at some point.

They both have absolutely NOBODY they can trust so let’s make them trust each other. All hilarity and sweetness comes from that.

Their dynamic is so good that I have them on a blog for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FANDOM and people love them with no context.

This is the only cross-species ship I have (besides chinmay and the antauri ships but that doesn’t count), but the fact that Skelemandy isn’t actually a monkey and needs no cybernetic assistance to be human-level sentient makes it a lot less weird. Just put them on equal ground power-wise (like by nerfing Valeena’s magic) and you have the ingredients for bonding.

They have like, no cute moments in canon, but that’s why we have fics and art. They have potential. I want them to help each other figure out who they are without their purpose. I want them to survive this horrible life together. I want them to figure out how to trust again. I want a lot but Valeena is fucking dead.

But she doesn’t have to be.

(Also Valeena is REALLY HOT and Skelemandarin is just me as a monkey)

6. Gay Dads

Characters: The Alchemist, Captain Shuggazoom

Type: Romantic, Platonic

Explanation: Oh my stars. Oh null. Oh me oh my hhougfhfakjghf. These two have the angst of Mantauri but on crack.

They only appeared in about two episodes each and all three episodes are top tier. They call each other “Friend” multiple times in their shared episode. THEY’RE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! The face Al makes when he realizes that Cap is visiting makes me really happy. The fact that Cap had this whole Batman Double Life thing and he shows the Alchemist BOTH OF THEM is amazing. The alchemist is a hermit living in the woods and he lets Cap into that life.

There isn’t a lot shown, much less than everything else here. But that makes every single fanfic so much richer since they’re almost completely based on headcanons. Friends who have a mutual crush on each other but are No Homo about it? Secret boyfriends? Husbands with 6 monkey kids? An Old man and a grumpy Skeleton making it work? Literally just platonic friends? Dude, you can do whatever you want.

The tragedy of these two losing each other to one big horrible event crushes me. It influences my every move in my creative work. I have an entire character dedicated to reuniting these two in the most astronomical and ridiculous way possible because the alchemist angered the gods but she thinks he needs some company in his eternal punishment.

I want Clayton to unlock Al’s less serious, more fun side. I want them to work together. I want them to hold hands. GHGHGHDFBG UTTHTYE CNAZSNT EBCV ASUA ER

7. The girl power duo

Characters: Nova, Jinmay

Type: Familial

Explanation: These two were my only comfort during the uncomfortable nightmare that is “The Hills Have Five”

Nova was the one who trained Jinmay, and it seems like they hang out a lot offscreen in season 4. They fulfill the early 2000′s cartoon archetypes of girl and Girl, so they’re supposed to get along. If they didn’t I probably wouldn’t like Jinmay.

Nova is a really good big sister/parental figure to Jinmay, who never had any family to speak of.

Anyway, this entry has to be shorter because most of their bonding is in “The Hills Have Five” which is either #1 or #2 in my least favorite episode list. Not because it’s bad, but because it makes me viscerally uncomfortable. I really wish literally any other character than Jinmay was in her role in that episode. Or that the “taken to an offscreen area by an adult man while she screams” just wasn’t there. SHE’S 13!!! Nova did literally all she could to help.

I really like that scene in questionable where Valeena kills almost the entire gang. It’s what they deserve.

Look I just really like Jinmay and I always have. She deserves a good Mom.

8. "My Second In Command”

Characters: Antauri, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: The fandom has really made this ship go from “literally nothing to stand on” to “integral plot point in a lot of fics”. Seriously. I have TWO screenshots that vaguely imply these two ever stood next to each other on the battlefield. This was entirely title-based and fan-made until ProjectAfectivity interviewed Ciro. Yeah he knows Antauri but only as well as the rest of the team. Anyway. Wow. This ship.

This is by far the worst breakup in history. These two, despite what Antauri says, were on equal ground at some point. According to Ciro (and fan speculation), they trained together. This (and other Mandy ship) changes wildly depending on if you think Mandarin was corrupted by the portal or not. Maybe Mandarin was once a kind leader who just crossed the wrong boundaries and paid for it. He could’ve held Antauri gently before battle. He could’ve been the monkey Antauri went to when he needed someone to talk to. He could’ve hyped the team up like Chiro does.

Or maybe, they were constantly fighting against each other in small ways. An incredibly unhealthy relationship, yes, but an interesting story. I like stories where Antauri isn’t this all-knowing pillar of stability. He’s got weaknesses. One of them may have been Mandarin.

Now that’s a good nickname from one to the other.

Imagine Antauri, in a moment of complete trust, declaring Mandarin his weakness. A sweet sentiment. They both know the other is incredibly strong, and trust that the other would never take advantage of that connection. They love each other. Until...

9. "My Closest Ally”

Characters: Otto, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: Okay I'm looking at the screenshot I put for this entry while also having watched Evil Ages recently. My brain is making uncomfortable connections. Combine that with the fandom and the show’s general treatment of Otto and I’m about to slam my head into a wall. I really do not like that, but I feel like there’s somebody out there who does.

Anyway, this is Gibotto and Ottauri but with all the spice that shipping Mandarin with one of the other monkeys brings. When done well, it’s all the respecting Otto that comes with Ottauri and all the intimate partnership of Gibotto. And the Angst of Mantauri, but a lot more grounded.

It paints a lot of stories. A story of a single point of comfort in a world Mandarin thinks is out to get him. A story of powerful validation from the one authority in Otto’s life. Of letting your guard down. Of trust, then breaking that trust.

I’d LOVE to see some things with Mandottotauri because that’s epic and cool and poggers. Don’t see a lot, though.

10.The Hets, I guess.

Characters: Jinmay, Chiro.

Type: Romantic. Platonic. Canon.

Explanation: Look two entries on this list are polyamorous and four of them are mandarin so I have to say SOMETHING for the heteroes following me. Picked this ship over Spova because when I was a young child still suffering from comphet, I never watched the last episode of the show. I only saw up to season 3 at the most. This was the only canon ship for me. And out of all the ships, it’s the most relatable. I’m currently a teenager with black hair who looks really good in eyeliner dating a girl with pink hair who can pick me up and is unbelievably sweet. Except we’re gay and polyam. Wait a second I totally had a crush on Jinmay as a kid and now my gf is the Jinmay in this situation. Oh my god I was going to make this comparison if I did Spova too and I liked Nova.

ANYWAY

These are two LONELY kids. Chiro had bullies during school, and now he doesn’t even go to school. Jinmay hasn’t really had friends at all. Two kids with places in their universe that they aren’t too sure about, and just need someone to lean on. Their date was cute. They instantly bonded over their love of monkeys and I love that.

The super robot is sometimes an analog for Chiro, in the first two season at least, and the way the super robot held Jinmay’s hands to keep her steady on the COB while her head flew in was SO SWEET. Chiro’s instant recognition and reaction to Jinmay’s head being thrown at the team, as well. He really loves her.

I think it’d be interesting if she didn’t love him back, though. I might take a stab at writing that.

#srmthfg #super robot monkey team hyperforce go #srmthg #chinmay #Mandotto #Mantauri #Mandareena #Manokko #Captain Alchemist #Ottauri #Polymonkeys #Gibottarx #Anonymous

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the-girl-with-the-glass-heart · 4 years

Text

I wanna make Logan autistic in my high school au and I figure I should share my notes about it in case there’s anything I need to be corrected on

I want to make Logan autistic because as a neurodivergent person myself I figuired it would be good to add more neurodivergent representation in my Au.

I have done a fair amount of research such as reading blog posts about writing autistic characters from actual people on this sight with autism, fact checking various misconceptions or questions I have about autism, reading published news articles about writing autism from people with autism (completely avoiding anything autism speaks has ever said) and basing it a little off of personal experience because while I don’t have autism, I have ADHD and they tend to have an overlap of symptoms.

So please, if you are autistic please read and correct any information that you feel is incorrect or could be improved anyway, I really want to portray this right!

FYI I also tried to mention a bit how this affects his personal relationships since this is a big part of his identity.

-He was diagnosed when he was 12 years old and entering middle school.

-He stims by pacing, sorting things by color, hand flapping, fidget cubes and chewing pens.

-His special interests include: Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, psychology and even though he’s some what embarrassed to admit it, Crofters (he collects the jars after he’s done eating the jam and keeps them all nicely arranged on his desk for decoration, he knows a lot about how the company was founded and the personal lives of its founders)

-He has poor motor skills so he doesn’t partake in physical activity much, he can understand how sports are played but when it comes to actually playing the game he just can’t get the hand eye co ordination right, so he decides to sit on the benches instead.

-He’s sensitive to a lot of certain noises like balloons popping, books slamming on a table, really loud clapping, ect. so patton bought him a really fancy pair of indigo noise cancelling head phones for his birthday.

-For a while he was insecure about his stimming so he would sit on his hands to prevent it, Virgil actually encouraged him to be more open about it since he knows the importance of stimming.

-He doesn’t understand quite a few jokes and has trouble expressing himself partly due to a fear of being too childish and needy since he knows how often autistic people aren’t treated seriously because of their autism and are seen more as permanent children, he also can’t really express himself in the same way as others because of his autism, he often says something and it completely comes across the wrong way.

-He’s a picky eater hence why he eats crofters on toast so often since it’s one of the few foods he likes the taste and texture of.

-when he was first diagnosed he was very scared to tell his friends and honestly started to feel insecure about his intelligence, their town is very small so the autistic community was practically non existent so Logan didn’t have many resources to learn about his autism, his parents had to sit him down and talk to him about it in order for him to understand what autism fully was.

-Patton and Remus absolutely adore every time Logan infodumps about his special interests since Remus loves when people rant about weird stuff and Patton just loves how happy Logan gets when talking about it.

-Logan attends physical therapy every two weeks and has a friendly relationship with his therapist, he also sees a regular therapist every two weeks since his moms wanna make sure their little boy is doing okay all the time since they know he’s kind of a stoic over achiever.

-he often gets crushes on guys who share the same interests as him or just any guy who lets him infodump on them with out any shame *cough* Patton and Remus *cough*

-his friends always try to comfort him during meltdowns by staying calm and patient, with the expecting of Virgil of course who will panic and feel the need to leave which everyone understands, even Logan told him at one point that he doesn’t have to stick around if he thinks the situation is too stressful.

I considered making science, reading or math one of his special interest but since most resources I got for writing a character with autism told me to avoid that since it’s mostly a stereotype associated with autistic people being genius’s so instead, While Logan is smart and loves science it’s not one of his special interests, the best way I can describe it is I have ADHD so I have hyper fixations (examples: monster high, Cinderella and sander sides) and I also love art and do it all the time but that’s more of a general hobby than a hyperfixation for me.

So yeah... tell me if I should add or take away anything, don’t be shy, your feedback is definitely appreciated!

#Logan sanders #logan sander sides #sander sides au #sander sides Logan #Thomas sanders #sander sides #sanderssides #sandersides #sanders sides

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aerial-aspie · 3 years

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An Autistic Point of View 2

Hi there! It's Hazel and I'm first going to talk about what it's like to me to be autistic.

So for me I got diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 14 and it has helped me understand a lot of my traits, which now I can articulate to you.

I'm obsessive and I mean very obsessive, once I find something I really really like it's all the occupies my brain day and night, everyday and sometimes to the point where I can't focus because all I want to think about is my obsession. A few examples of this was Vocaloid, BTS/K-pop and right now Genshin Impact.

During lessons, I struggled to stay 100% focused at all times because my brain always likes to drift off into dream land and I have to make a big mental effort to reign myself back into reality. This problem affect me when I used to take Chemistry (it was far too hard for my pea brain anyway) and the moment my brain switched off, BOOM! I'd missed a ton of information, even if it was only for 10 seconds.

However, now, after changing subjects and finding the right ones for me, I'm finding it much easier to control my need to daydream and can focus much better.

Next, I am forgetful. Imagine a sieve but only the unimportant information (normally to do with what I'm obsessing over) stays and everything else falls through, no matter how important it is to me. I hurt my knuckles over lockdown learning and needed to ice them frequently and it was very important, however, 2 seconds after remembering I needed to do that, you guessed it! I forgot about it.

Forgetfulness is hard, especially when at school because I need to drill my theory into my brain so hard because I will forget so easily. As well as at school, I have my phone and Alexa full of reminders to tell me to simple tasks such as to update this blog or to practice my piano or else I'd forget.

Lets throw in a weird one now. To be honest even I have no clue if this is an autistic trait but it's certainly something that affects me. When studying or reading I can't listen to any music with English lyrics. Why? Because I focus on the lyrics and draw myself into them and then struggle to concentrate when working because I can understand what's being sung. So my playlists involve game soundtracks, a few screamo bands (you can't understand what they're saying anyways) and Asian pop.

One thing that was said through my diagnosis is that it's possible I could have anxiety for life and as of writing this I'm currently trying to get therapy or medication for it.

Anxiety is isolating, it's painful with its physical side effects (which manifest in chest pains for me), it gives unneeded stress over problems which to others seem minor, it gives me panic attacks which range in severity, it gives a fear embarrassment, of messing up, of standing out, of being DIFFERENT.

Everything about myself I scrutinise, I'm trying to give up chocolate because it gives me so much extra stress that I believe it's unhealthy for myself. I must present myself in a way where I don't seem rude or impolite as I'm scared of how everyone will react. If I get into an argument or something I believe is an argument, I beat myself up about it and I feel like I hurt everyone around me.

I believe I'm a constant annoyance, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm a chatterbox and you can't shut me up. But it makes me self conscious, am I talking too much? Is everyone just being friendly out of obligation? Are they all secretly annoyed at me? Are questions I ask myself daily and blame myself at some points for not being normal.

My brain sticks to the past and words echo my mind for sometimes years giving me fears that others would even know of. Such as the lessons about heart disease in biology always play in my mind to the point I want to give up chocolate because it's giving me so much stress as my brain is like OH MY GOD YOU ATE CHOCOLATE NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE! And then I get stressed and get chest pains which only further add to it.

Now we got the heavy topic out the way lets move on! Autism has led me to have a fine motor coordination disability which has affect me my whole life, I can't handwrite well, I struggle opening tins, peeling vegetables, unlocking the door to get in my house, using scissors, folding things and the list goes on (and let me tell you it's long).

But you get the gist, I struggle with a lot of things and it can take me a much longer amount of time to work out things than someone normal.

I'm also extremely disorganised, actually that's a lie. I'm extremely organised but it doesn't look it. My room is a mess and I know that but I could tell you where everything is in seconds because it's what I call 'an organised mess'. I organise things but it's not neat, it's just where my brain decides is a good place to put things.

My school bag is so organised to point I don't like people touch it because I know where everything is and it has to be in the same pockets or else I'll get upset because it just has to be there and that is something no one can change.

However, even though I'm on that point of organisation, I still get stressed about if I have forgotten anything even though I never have.

Part of my autism is physical traits too, I am born with weak muscles in many places, the ones I know of so far are my wrists, knees, eyes and lower back. Because of this I can't handwrite long essays and have to have computer support to help me with this problem. With other areas, it's places I know I need to be careful when training at circus because I discovered my weak back after crucifix rolls on a cloudswing went wrong (it's a type of error that will always happen when learning this move) and I locked up my spine, from then on I've never done that move ever again.

Whilst being quite extroverted (only around people I'm comfortable with, if not I'm extremely shy) I'm actually very sensitive to things. I can't be touched suddenly or at my waist or I will flinch or flail and let me tell you, as I martial artist I do hit extremely hard in reflex. I also am sensitive to loud noises when I'm not expecting it, such as seeing war horse the stage show where the sounds of gun shots and explosions were played so loud that I had a panic attack in the theatre. However, at concerts, I'm fine as I'm expecting this loud noise and I know what is coming.

A weird thing I find about myself is that I'm very contrasting, I'm highly emotional but don't understand emotion. My first emotional response to any emotion is to cry and yes it is extremely embarrassing to cry in front of others (I believe crying in public should be normalised not shamed). Yet I can't understand emotion such as when people are sad, I don't realise it and happily talk to them and then feel like they hate me because they ignore me and then beat myself up for not realising they're sad when they tell me so. But it's not just sadness, being talked to in a firm voice, to me means they're angry when they're not, criticism means everything I've done is stupid and you get the point.

However, not only do I not understand emotion normally, I actually at times can't feel it, I get excited before a concert but when it starts I feel nothing, everything I feel just disappears and my mind is blank, so I actually have to force myself to be happy and then my brain realises I'm happy and I don't have to put in effort to sustain an emotion.

Now last but not least (remember how I said I was forgetful, it's already come into play here that I can't even remember if I've covered everything about my Asperger's) I can't do instructions, if I'm given a list of items I need to take, a long list of instructions to follow with no physical copy to reference by the time the last instruction has been said, I've already forgotten the first one and this has been fatal when I've ended up with really bad sunburn because I forgot to bring sun cream because the list I was given was too long to remember.

And that's it folks, my autism is a nutshell that's probably missing some stuff but it's as much as I can tell you from the top of my head and if I remember more stuff I'll make sure to post it.

Thanks for following!

#autism #autistic experiences #being autistic #autistic culture #autistic problems #actually autistic #autistic life

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soulvomit · 4 years

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I'm a woman who identified with flawed male characters because in many cases, socially odd or awkward women just didn't exist in the media. "Normie" women often don't identify with them, or they're portrayed in shallow ways (MPDG, Adorkable, etc) where the message to us comes across as "it's okay to be weird as long as you're fuckable and non-threatening." I.e., as long as your awkwardness also dovetails with traditional white upper class femininity. (And the reason I'll go there at all is because the icons of acceptable awkwardness we're given *are* always white and middle to upper class. It's not acceptable for anyone else to be weird.)

Then there's the quiet assumption that weird *grown women* don't exist (except as the eccentric aunt with the 20 cats) and I think it's because we assume weird girls get remediated by less weird/more popular girls. This is even in a couple of well known books about autism. Liane Holliday-Willey, in "Pretending to be Normal," even suggested that some girls pass as neurotypical because they receive social and behavioral correction by socially more able girls.

As a woman who was endlessly socially remediated by other women, the flip side of that is:

The girl trying to tutor the other girl is always portrayed as the "good" person in that scenario. She is seen as engaging in warm, nurturing, female-compulsory behavior and gets rewarded for being prosocial... whether the other girl responds to the remediation or not. Authority figures will see her as being helpful and inclusive.

Heaven help the girl who doesn't respond well to being "helped" (either because she can't *not* be "different," or because she DOESN'T WANT TO, or she simply only wants to be in egalitarian friendships with people who take her at face value).

If you respond well to the correction, the Queen Bee gets social points. (But heaven help you should you respond TOO well and you become any kind of equal. Or heaven help you if you have demands of your own. The more "normal" girl is always seen as gracious and magnanimous.)

If you don't respond well to the correction or you refuse it, then... what you'll hear is, why are you being such a bitch to this girl who was only trying to help. The girl trying to "help" you is *being inclusive* and your refusal is an affront against the very principle of inclusivity.

And it's not like you ever really get meaningfully included by the other girl, anyway; you're her project. If you're really much more lower status or that much more awkward or much more unattractive or poorer then she doesn't include you because you embarrass her. If you clean up TOO well, and are actually equal to her, you'll be competition.

And when you're actually socially very smart and you clue into this stuff early and you refuse to be anyone's project, you're even more disliked.

And the other problem here is that assumption that "girls get remediated" (which pats girls and women on the back for being Inclusive By Default) tends to assume all girls are getting remediated.

There are plenty of awkward girls who are *so* "beneath" the "helper" girls that they'll never get remediated, only bullied or ignored.

And often a girl "helping" another, more socially awkward girl is doing so at the behest of adults and authority figures in their life.

Awkward girl:

*exists*

Queen Bee (or some group of normie girls, a slightly less awkward older girl who wants to feel better about herself by having an even more awkward friend):

hi, awkward girl! I can help you not be awkward!

Awkward Girl:

*tries and fails, eventually asks to be accepted in the friendship as an equal, or goes her own way*

Queen Bee:

I gave that bitch a chance.

Everyone Else:

Yeah, you gave that bitch a chance.

And the thing is, Awkward Girl may not even be socially stupid. Maybe some Awkward Girls stumble into this over and over. But I got smart to it, and started trying to avoid this dynamic. And what happens when you call it out? You become the Bad Guy.

It's really about obedience.

And this is SO BROADLY ACCEPTABLE. Even in spaces ostensibly for Awkward Girls, there's the expectation of very fine levels of obedience. Your every mannerism, every most minute thing that you say, is held to an impossible standard and fine-tooth-combed for any possible sign that you were being cold, uncharitable, or ungiving. This can happen to a neurotypical woman who handles things in ways considered acceptable for men.

And anxious/traumatized women scrutinize EVEN HARDER.

Some anxious/traumatized women, instead of giving us fellow anxious women a Safe Space, often end up replicating these same othering dynamics because they're on the constant lookout for any possible slight or any possible telegraph of unconscious ill intent. They need to know if their new friend will turn on them before the new friend even knows.

And that obedience that's demanded is a display you have to put on around other people at all times - completely uncritical, not challenging in any way, never making any person feel bad about themselves. There is no default "not at fault" setting because any public statement that makes an anxious woman feel bad, is in the wrong for existing.

You have to make room for the equally tortured emotions and anxieties of other women in your friendships, anticipate their reactions (which - depending upon level of trauma - can be unpredictable), and put other people's feelings first at all times. It's a race to the bottom.

And we're so on guard against the real threat of being victimized or abused that we CAN'T even question a lot of these dynamics because if we do, now we're invalidating other women's right to not feel threatened. And if we don't try to fit into conformist spaces then we're refusing the inclusivity that was offered to us.

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