#like. genuinely it feels like I went into a different dimension and reality and watched a dif version of myself have a spiritual awakening

[mosspapi]

I was just woken up from an extremely elaborate set of "dreams" and astral projections and out-of-body experiences by my parents coming to say goodnight. Apparently I'd fallen asleep after dinner. But I'm not convinced I was asleep. It all felt so real and pressing and REAL. What the fuck is going on

[floralovebot]

Helia and Tecna friendship headcanons? -lambofzenith

AHHHHHHHHHH okay so

helia is really bad at technology right? pretty much anything that isn't covered in red fountain lessons, he's a complete no-go at. tecna takes it upon herself to try and help him understand basic technology a bit more and it goes so wrong. helia is literally the mom that squints their eyes and holds their phone away from their face while using One pointer finger to type everything. tecna hates it so much.

helia naturally doesn't understand a single thing that comes out of her mouth when she's talking technology but he still supports her nonetheless

helia is surprisingly rational most of the time! he's a firm Push All My Emotions Down And Then One Day I'll Die kind of person so even during really stressful missions, he's good at keeping a level head about things. tecna really appreciates this and it's not rare to see her, helia, and timmy discussing mission-related strategies During The Middle Of A Fight

tecna has a tendency to talk while she works (only noticeable around people she's comfortable with though) but she gets a little self-conscious about it. she knows it's not Bad or anything, but it doesn't seem Right either so she tries to keep quiet most of the time. helia on the other hand is so used to working while it's noisy that he's totally chill with it. they've gotten used to just vibing in the same room, working on their own things, and not actually talking to each other during it. they're comfortable around each other :) helia doesn't mind when she rambles out loud and tecna doesn't mind him pacing around the room every five minutes. symbiotic relationship.

tecna doesn't like talking about what she went through in the omega dimension, even with timmy. however, she does occasionally draw things out when she really needs to vent and can't think of any other way how. she's always been good at sketching due to her background in designing gadgets so this wasn't a weird transition for her. helia told her about this anonymous place for artists to submit their art with absolutely no names attached and after checking to make sure it was legit and she was completely safe, she started to submit one or two a year. she doesn't like to do it often but it does help to sort of "get it out" without actually talking about it.

while helia is notoriously Bad at video games, he does actually like the more "physical reality" ones (think that virtual reality tecmy scene!) mainly because it feels close enough to real life that he doesn't need to rely on just technology to do it. tecna and helia often have very competitive gaming matches but specifically within those kinds of games otherwise, he's really bad at it and she gets annoyed that he can't remember any of the buttons.

speaking of competitions, helia has an inner bet going on of How Much Can I Pretend To Not Know Jackshit About A Specific Technological Topic Before Tecna Notices. what he doesn't know, is that tecna knows he does this and has her own inner bet of How Long Can I Explain This Specific Topic Before Helia Gets Bored And Moves On. so far, the score is mostly even, with helia only winning because timmy isn't aware of this mental battle and will often jump in to explain things too. helia is very smug about this and tecna can't say anything to timmy otherwise she loses the fight that no one actually set firm rules on.

timmy is just really happy that his two best friends are also friends and sometimes he tries to invite helia and flora on their dates. tecna is okay with this only because she thinks it's funny. florelia were also okay with it but started to not be because they realized that their version of a date and tecmy's version of a date was extremely different. they've started to come up with increasingly ridiculous excuses for why they can't go and so far timmy is the only one that hasn't noticed. poor timmy, he genuinely thinks flora's best friend cactus is sick and needs care 😔

when timmy isn't available, helia will call tecna for any technology related issues he's having. on one hand, she likes that he trusts her and can rely on her, on the other hand, she's told him ten separate times not to leave his computer running all the damn time. (tecna: please turn the computer off when you're not using it. this will immensely help solve all of the problems you've been having. helia: okay so i'm gonna leave it on all the time?). he's not trying to be difficult though. he just forgets everything and assumes it should work regardless (he a little stupit).

roxy gets so much gender envy from both of them and it confuses her all the time. they have no idea what a gender envy is though and they're mostly just wondering how they stop giving it to roxy since it seems like it agitates her??? help please???? researching the matter doesn't help and it ends up becoming a meme on winx stan twt because tecna made a very official and serious post asking about the severity of "gender envy" and needing to know how contagious it is. now whenever either of them posts, earth teens just comment gender envy at them. helia still doesn't know what it means.

they don't watch movies/tv together but they will binge-watch the same shows and then talk about them later on. tecna's formatting is still very formal and functional meanwhile helia bounces off multiple points and forgets to make a conclusion. he stresses her out so much.

helia notices when tecna has stayed up too long for too many nights and will occasionally send her a "please sleep" message when he knows timmy is already asleep and can't do it. she doesn't always listen but sometimes she will, but not before sending the same message back because why the fuck is he up at this hour huh dumbass?????

tecna has a pet bird and helia has multiple cats and they absolutely cannot be in the same room together. her bird is constantly trying to fight his cats and while they're usually well behaved, he's genuinely scared they're gonna try to eat it (tecna: stop calling my bird an "it"; helia: stop putting your bird near my cats 😐)

they actually don't like hanging out when one of them is upset. they both have a hard time talking about their emotions (for different reasons obviously) and they always end up feeling like they have to say something when they're together. they just really prefer hanging when they're both in a good mood or at least calm. whenever one of them gets upset, they stop hanging out together until that person feels better.

connected to the last point, you'd think that would mean they don't know a lot about each other, but they surprisingly do! they're both relatively observant people (tecna gets better every year) and they're actually really good at figuring out why the other is upset and what would help. they just don't talk about it.

although, on a similar note, the one time they did have an emotional talk, it was about timmy. tecna was feeling upset again and worrying over whether or not she's "too logical/not emotional enough" and it was the one time where she actually allowed herself to hang out with him while being upset. they had a genuine heart to heart about things and especially about how she's way too hard on herself. they thought it would be awkward since they actively avoided this kind of thing but it wasn't! it went very naturally and helia even teared up a bit. he's very proud of her and the effort she makes every day and since that talk has been much more vocal about it.

when they went to earth in s4, they both spent way too much time learning about Earth Things; tecna about earth media (canon), and helia about animals since that's what flora was talking about. he started calling tecna "chip" after that because chipmunks reminded him of her. she disagrees with this assessment and he refuses to admit he mixed up chipmunks and squirrels. he still calls her chip to this day, and fortunately, it's grown on her. unfortunately, he calls timmy "chip" too, and now it's a hassle to figure out who he's talking to.

helia is surprisingly interested in zenith technology despite not understanding it all! he enjoys walking through the streets of zenith with tecna while she proudly points things out so he can go "ooo aaa" at everything. sometimes she tries to explain how things work and his mind starts playing elevator music automatically. tecna has gotten really good at knowing when helia is just. brain empty no thoughts because she recognizes the Empty look in his eyes. she enjoys catching it live and trying to figure out why he's just. not thinking (usually it's because he either doesn't understand something or got bored) (this happens often when sky starts talking) (sorry sky)

tecna is one of the winx (besides flora of course) that helia trusts the most. not in an emotional or friend way, but in a physical, we're on a mission way. she has good control of her magic and knows how to use it. she's good at thinking of strategies and applying them properly to the situation. and after the omega dimension, he had a newfound respect for her previously unknown to him survival skills. if he were even in severe danger, she would be the first winx he'd call (depending on the situation, she is occasionally ahead of flora).

helia is really bad at sharing details. he tends to go straight to the conclusion but doesn't share how he got there (adhd king 😌) and tecna is the best person to call in when this happens. her logical questioning makes it seem so easy because she has the patience and knowledge to connect the dots and ask the right questions. when anyone else tries its more like (helia: i'm sitting in a pool of blood; person: uhm do you know where it's coming from?; helia: probably the stab wound; someone: did you get stabbed??; helia: oh yeah definitely.)

[ddarker-dreams]

Affliction II. Yan Giorno x Reader [COMM]

warnings: general yan stuff, mentions of previous abusive relationships, isolation and self deprecation. word count: 3k. link to the previous part.

There aren’t many places left where you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. 

Not an identity that was painstakingly crafted for the sake of self preservation, but your genuine self. Here in the midst of Giorno’s grandiose flower gardens, you’re given the scant opportunity. Whether it be paranoia, or if it holds some ground in reality, there’s a possibility that guards are watching over you from afar. Lost in the thickets of nature, even if you’re being fenced in against your will, is preferable to the suffocating walls of the mansion. There isn’t a lot you’re willing to praise Giorno about, but his taste in flora is breathtaking. Palettes of complementing colors mesh together in a wide array of nature, stepping into it like entering a new world.

This particular section is your favorite. Azaleas are in full bloom around you, the sweet scent wafting to your nose. Stone garden benches, slightly aged by weather and covered in moss, make for a nice spot to collect yourself. This time of day, a sizable tree provides shade from the oppressive Neapolitan sun. Taking in a deep breath, you consider what to do for the reminder of the day. There isn’t much in the ways of entertainment, not in the sense you’d grown used to. No using the internet, or interacting with anyone that isn’t Giorno, aside from rare exceptions when you need food. Some of your hobbies are provided for, but the inspiration to partake in them when in captivity is dwindling at best, nonexistent at worst. 

You’ve had plenty of time to mope around the long, seemingly abandoned halls that make up your prison. After nights of incessant tears and sighing, you’ve made up your mind to make the most of the dreadful situation. Biding your time for a possibility of escape is all that can be done. Walking around the gardens almost felt like a form of reconnaissance at first, scoping the foreign territory in hopes of locating a weakness. Frustrating hour after hour would pass, no convenient cracks in the wall or fencing making itself known. Of course he wouldn’t make it that easy, not after all the apparent effort that went into kidnapping you.

The sun is beginning to set in the sky, the lengthier days of summer beginning a downwards trend as September soon approaches. You frown at the sight of clouds bathed in rays of golden light, knowing what unique horrors night time brings with it. During the day you get to be on your lonesome, making as much space between you and Giorno as possible. While there are some fortunate nights where he’s too engrossed with work matters to seek you out, Lady Luck hasn’t been on your side lately. He’s been woefully insistent on spending dinner with you, wanting to form a bond that you hold no interest in. You’d sooner seek out the company of a snail than Giorno Giovanna. 

When the crickets begin their anthems, the moon hanging high overhead, your freedom is restricted even more. The heavy weight of this realization pushes against your chest, a fresh wave of chills running through you. Anxiety is a finicky creature, making itself known at the worst times. Having a choke hold on you at its own leisure, preventing you from making any meaningful progress. It’s been somewhere around a few months now, you believe, since the encounter that changed your life for the worst. 

Shaking your low hanging head at the thought, you occupy yourself with the parchment sitting on your lap. It’s coarse against your skin, a much needed anchor to keep yourself from drifting away from this world. That’s right, you’ve come here for a reason. You’ve had this blank piece of paper, that has beckoned you to fill it for some time now. The problem being, the lack of proper equipment to use on it. Some pieces of charcoal that you found earlier after lunch sprang hope anew, the tool familiar in the best of ways. Holding with it fond memories, a desirable distraction from your bleak outlook on life. 

The guards that take care in shadowing you didn’t protest when you took it, so you assume it must be allowed. Bringing the dark instrument down to the parchment, you begin a rough sketch of an azalea plant in front of you. As you make the various shapes that define the flower, time almost seems to speed up around you. Before you register it, the sun has almost finished its descent into the sky, your hands fully covered in residue from handling the charcoal. Too absorbed in perfecting your work, you fail to notice approaching footsteps from behind. 

“--[First].” 

A surprised gasp leaves your lips at the unexpected greeting, your head whipping around to identify the source of the intrusive noise. Panic bubbles within at the sight of Giorno, who is taking a keen interest in what you are working on. From how at ease he looks, it’s difficult to gauge his thoughts. His visage never offers insight to his mind, always schooled and taciturn. He must be awaiting a response from you, but your mind is a state of panic. This activity isn’t something that’ll get you in trouble, is it? Subconsciously, you move the canvas to the side, your fingers wrapping around the edges uncomfortably. 

You need to say something, but the words die in your mouth before coming to life. Pushing through your storm of dread, you offer a response. “I… I’m sorry, if I wasn’t supposed to.”

Turquoise eyes regard you in kind, taking a seat next to you on the bench. He’s generous enough to leave a respectable gap, but is still too close for comfort. From how his lips are turned into a soft smile, you want nothing more than to believe you won’t be chastised for this innocent indulgence. Spending time in Giorno’s presence is akin to navigating through a minefield, never certain what step may end up being your last. All of the promises he offers feel unfounded, the sickly sweet assurances of never harming a hair on your head. Why should you believe him? He’s given you no reason to take his word as concrete, and you can’t see that ever changing.

You remember the scent of blood. The nauseating sound of bones crunching, how flesh sounds when thrown against a wall. How when approaching death, the eyes grew bloodshot, lips trembling as they took on a haunting shade of blue. It’s the stuff of nightmares, watching a life snuffed out right before you. Matteo, someone who had been your companion, was gone before you could even process it. The strain on your relationship with him is unforgettable, but having to see his body tossed aside by a ghostly force? Witnessing how limp his limbs were, the same arms that once sought refuge in long ago? 

You’ll never forget the devil Giorno is, no matter how much he paints himself as a saint. 

“I had no idea you were interested in art,” he chooses to ignore your previous comment, wanting to redirect onto more positive things. “You have a real talent for it. Had I known, I would’ve prepared a wider array of art supplies for you.” 

The compliment has the opposite effect as intended on your person. Instead of filling you with validation at the wholehearted praise, the words ooze down your skin like droplets of corrosive venom. A sudden disconnect between your creation is torn, and you can no longer stomach to look at it. How an object of beauty can turn into a reminder of your captor in a few measly seconds is a peculiar thing. When he leaves for work the next morning, you consider the possibility of destroying it all together. A last ditch effort to rid yourself of this revolting feeling that creeps down your spine. 

“Please, don’t trouble yourself.” 

There are multiple ways of interpreting your words, ranging from a dismissal of Giorno’s presence to humility. He spins it in his favor, as he’s showcased his brilliance in doing so. Your lack of straightforward animosity towards him serves to backfire every time. 

“It’d be no trouble. Truth be told, I’m lacking an in-depth knowledge of the arts. What kind of equipment would suit you best?” Giorno inquires with a tilt of his head, his eyes leaving the impression that he can see the full dimensions of your soul. Ignoring him isn’t going to be of benefit, so you provide the bare minimum to satisfy his quest. 

“It’s… more of a personal preference, what an artist chooses to use.” 

He’s not letting you off the hook just yet. “What do you prefer to use?” 

“The basics. Pencils, watercolors, the like. Nothing too fancy.”

Giorno looks fascinated at anything you offer him. Even if you only speak when spoken to, it’s a good place to start. Your muscles tense as he leans closer, to get a better look at the drawing of flowers. His eyes scan every stroke, seeing how it all culminates into a grander picture. You move your legs over, internally pleading that he’ll leave you alone soon. Speaking for him with any amount of time, no matter how small, is exhausting. 

“Azaleas, correct?” 

At this guess, you nod in confirmation. 

“Please, should you ever need a reference for flowers, let me know. I’d be more than happy to provide it for you.” 

The chance to refuse this offer is fleeting, curiosity taking over at how he reaches for a rock on the ground. Taking it into his hand, he puts it in full view. You blink at the uncanny series of events, wondering why Giorno is putting a simple rock on display. Any semblance of understanding is stolen from you, as the colors twist into a different assortment. The spherical shape shifts into a stem, the bud on top growing light pink petals. He watches with amusement at how you look at it closer, mouth agape.

“W-what?” It’s a weak whisper, betraying the full extent of your awe. How did he pull this off? It isn’t like a cheesy magic trick, where the rock would slide somewhere, only to be replaced by a flower. No, you witnessed the full life cycle of the flower. He chuckles lowly at your childlike wonder, preparing a palpable explanation. 

“It’s an ability of mine,” he elaborates, placing the newly former azalea on your lap. “I can make any living thing.” 

Is this a dream? To test the theory, you rub your eyes, uncaring of the smudges likely left against your skin. When your eyelids flutter open once more, you’re still in reality. Wanting to inspect the flower closer, you lift it up, close to your eyes. Studying every aspect of it, from how soft the petals are to the firmness of the stem. While not a professional botanist by any means, there’s no denying that this is a real flower. 

“Any living thing…” 

The words dance on your tongue, parroting his words back to him to make sense of it all. “Does that include animals?” 

“Naturally. Is there anything you’d like to see, [First]?” He tempts you with promises of spectacle, fully aware of how bewitching Gold Experience’s ability is. Numerous ideas flood through your mind, possibilities infinite. Thoughts ranging from your own favorite animals, to cute creatures that might improve your mood. While creating bouquets of any flower might be an intriguing prospect, you’re more drawn to seeing animals. The only animals you’ve had contact with in the longest time are occasional frogs that congregate near the running foundations at night. Everything else is reduced to sounds, from owls to cicadas. 

It’s when you see Giorno’s knowing smile that something deep inside you stirs. 

He’s basking in the lightheartedness you’re exuding. This… this ultimately doesn’t change a thing. Giorno is a terrible man, who has taken so much from you. The hedges surrounding you both suddenly feel suffocating, a merciless reminder of who it is you’re dealing with. Beauty pales in comparison to real freedom. Every day has been the same as the last, an infinite loop of going through the motions, destined to never make progress. All of this has been thrusted onto you by Giorno Giovanna, a man in relentless pursuit of your heart. 

None of this is right. Being near him is enough to too much to take.

You hold your tongue, eyebrows furrowing at Giorno bringing out all this conversation from you. It’s humiliating how all your efforts to deny him the desires of his flesh never work as intended, this one of the many times he’s bested you. Now that you’ve spotted his game, you clamp shut like a clam, intent on hiding the pearl of yourself from him. You’re intentional in looking away, the luxury of him maintaining eye contact with you a memory of the past. Sensing the barriers you’re putting up against him, Giorno stands, dusting off his expensive pants. He offers you a nod of acknowledgement, pivoting on his heel and calling out to you over his shoulder.

“I’ll leave you to it then.” 

Too absorbed in your self deprecating thoughts and misery, you offer up no response. Footsteps crunching against the vegetation on the ground fade away, your heart pounding violently against your chest. Something wet caresses your face, teardrops falling and smudging your art. Your sniffling grows in volume, becoming a full set of sobs. Hands shaking by your side, you hang your head low, biting your lower lip to the point of drawing blood. 

Feeling like a man possessed, you wildly rip away at the canvas that taunts you so. The sound of paper ripping pales in comparison to the natural ambiance of the summer night, and you pay it no mind. All you want is an outlet for this surge of emotion. Any guilt over littering the ground with remnants of your work dissipates when you remember how servants will scurry like insects to clean up after you. For extra measure, you pick up the former rock, glowering at it. Breaking the stem with your hands, you throw it as far as you can manage, not able to stand the sight of all it stands for. None of this even begins to remedy the abhorrence that clogs your heart for Giorno, but it’s a start.

Exhaustion seeps into every pore of your being, and you retire to your room. 

- - -

He notices a lot of things about you when you’re asleep.

There’s clear serenity on your countenance, far away from the world of unfortunate reality. Giorno catches every rise and fall of your chest, how delicate your breaths are, the way your long eyelashes flutter against the soft cheeks of your face. When you’re lifted from the depths of deep sleep with a dream, frustration overtakes you, eyelids twitching. He’s inquisitive on the nature of your dreams, that must take the form of nightmares. What is it that haunts you? There’s a twinge in his heart at the possibility of it being him. 

The first time you reached out to him in your sleep, he thought it a trick of the lights. A fine delicacy he doesn’t deserve to gratify himself with, as a reminder of his own sins. You’re too good to him when you’re like this, arms subconsciously reaching out for something to grasp on. A few times, you found a pillow, content with it in your arms. In moments like this one, your hands touch the bare flesh of Giorno’s chest, drawing yourself against him. He stays perfectly still, recognizing the humiliation you’d face should you wake. No, this is just fine with him, enough to satisfy a dormant hunger. 

He can’t help himself, ghosting his fingertips up and down your bare arms. Goosebumps dot your skin from the motions. It’s a selfish wish, that you’d always be like this around him. Giorno would be a fool to think of himself as anything but self-serving after all he’s taken from you. Your future, freedom, your life. What is possibly an attempt to justify some of the extreme measures arises, Giorno incapable of hiding the scowl of your former situation. Such a kindhearted person, diluted by scum of society, churns his stomach in repulsion. The original plan didn’t include offing your former partner, but righteous fury overtook him. It isn’t often Giorno’s composure can crack, but seeing you belittled was all it took.

All the damage inflicted on you left gaping wounds, too great for Giorno to heal. 

He witnessed how radiant you’re capable of being, how your face glowed the first time you met. It’s a fond memory now, a way to placate him. Anything less than honoring the memory of you treating his wounds is a disservice to your person, Giorno incapable of offering nothing but high praises for you. This highlight of humanity, a pinnacle of what people are like at their best, is what motivates his goals further. To see Italy become a better version of itself, eradicating the nefarious plots that fester in the shadows. 

You rub your head against his chest, murmuring incoherent words in your sleep. His heart leaps at the endearing sight, wishing he could stay like this with you for eternity. In the midst of his musings, his own Stand materializes into existence, unblinking eyes considering every curve and dip of your body. Gold Experience Requiem wishes you were capable of acknowledging it, having to be content with observing you from afar. It’s a double edged sword. There’s an opportunity to wrap phantom-like appendages around your waist, you only believe it to be a gust of wind. Touch starved as Giorno is, he’s willing to accept any scraps of your touch he has access to.

Tiny pieces are better than nothing. 

Tomorrow will bring troubles of its own, yet he can’t find it in himself to complain. Your scrutiny is wholly deserved, and all that he can offer in meager attempts to reconcile is effort. To be better for your sake, and his own.

[fanfic-corner]

Sabriel

I genuinely have no idea where this ship came from, but it is pretty cute, and I was curious to read a couple fics of them. Besides, I’m currently on season 13 and we deserve more Gabriel content in this time of stress. All of these also have Destiel in them, but which one the fic is focused on varies. I hope you enjoy them!

Rewriting the Book by MonPetitTresor on AO3. (37,224 words).

Tags: Dimension Travel, Alternate Universe, Gabriel in the Bunker, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Sam Remembers Hell, PTSD, Post-Gadreel, Mark of Cain, Hurt Sam, Scared Sam, Emotionally Repressed, Sam Has Panic Attacks, The Cage.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: When Sam gets a little too close to stopping Metatron’s plans, the angel decides to use some of his extra juice to get Sam out of his way by sending him to a completely different reality. He never could’ve predicted what Sam might find there – or what he might bring back home with him.

Notes: The trauma in this was written so well, and it is part of what made this amazing. It was really respectful, realistic, and clearly well researched. And, as a bonus, an excellent plot!

In All Your Borrowed Finery by vanishingact on AO3. (67,950 words).

Tags: Winged Dean Winchester, Winged Sam Winchester, Winged Castiel, Winged Gabriel, Spells & Enchantments, Hunters & Hunting, Case Fic, Harpies, Canon-Typical Violence, Major Character Injury, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Fluff and Humor and Smut and Angst, Wingfic, Fan art. 

My Rating: 5 stars. 

Description: Dean finds an interesting symbol in Kevin's angel tablet notes and, against Sam's counselling, uses it in the heat of battle with a pair of angelic assassins. Side effects include pain, disorientation, and uncontrollable new appendages for the Winchesters. A disgruntled Castiel and a delighted Gabriel show up to help. Hunting (and life) gets interesting when wings are involved.

Notes: Okay this was literally adorable and you can not convince me otherwise. Every time I read a fic with everyone’s favourite archangel, I miss him just a bit more.

Black Swans by omphalos and Wolfling on AO3. (66,455 words).

Tags: Post-Apocalypse, Road Trip, Blasphemy.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: A post-apocalyptic road trip with a still recovering archangel wasn't how Sam had envisioned the aftermath of their big plan, but it sure beat a lot of the alternatives.

Notes: This was absolutely brilliant, so well written, and the plot was phenomenal! The misunderstanding was painful, and the original characters were great.

omni gladio ancipiti by lifevolutionary on AO3. (10,892 words).

Tags: Wingfic, Telepathy, Psychic Bond.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: The archangel Gabriel had never chosen a Bearer for his sword. Until now.

Notes: This was so freaking sweet, and I love the idea of Sam just casually having a flaming sword.

Dies Irae, or Something by AlchemyAlice on AO3. (51,223 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Blasphemy, Alternate Universe - Canon, Biblical References.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: It starts with headaches, and it ends in a clusterfuck. So, business as usual, Apocalypse-wise.

Notes: I know it says Good Omens as well, but it is just a brief mention of Aziraphale and Crowley, so you don’t need to know anything about it! And this fic was written beautifully. Is it bad that I miss the apocalypse days?

That One Time Sam Winchester Googled Something Weird and It Had Pretty Awesome Results by quitepossiblyjanuary on AO3. (2,587 words).

Tags: Romantic Fluff, First Kiss, Stars, Humor, Courtship, Short & Sweet.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Sam Googles something and his curiosity doesn't kill the cat. Or him. Or anyone. It's a pretty awesome feeling.

Notes: This was so adorable! Gabe was so sweet, and his mind reading skills made me laugh.

Bing Crosby’s Pennies From Heaven by twentysomething on AO3. (9,613 words).

Tags: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Gabriel, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, Death.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Sam always asks inappropriate, poorly-timed questions, so what comes out of his mouth doesn't exactly surprise himself. "Where were you?"

Notes: This was brilliant - the little gifts that Gabe left for Sam were adorable, and I burst out laughing at the image of trying to get Bobby’s wheelchair on top of a toilet.

‘Star Wars is Overrated’ by leftdragonpainter on AO3. (38,186 words).

Tags: Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Pining, Drinking, Writer Castiel, Mechanic Dean, Neighbours, Swearing, Winchester Logic, Big Brother Gabriel, Clueless Dean, College Student Sam, Awkward Dates, Pie, Dean Cooks, Slow Burn, Injured Sam, Fixing Cars, Emotional Constipation, Angst, Confessions, Smut, Love Confessions, Temporary Amnesia, Star Trek References, Star Wars References, Angst with a Happy Ending.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description:  When Dean Winchester turned sixteen he was disappointed by the words that appeared on his chest. He never expected that it would take so much to find his soulmate. He never expected to not remember meeting them…

Notes: Every time I thought I knew what was going to happen, it either went in the complete opposite direction or something totally different happened, and I loved it.

Start Quoting Shakespeare and We’re Done by pyrebi on AO3. (15,579 words).

Tags: Romantic Comedy, Misunderstanding, Banter, Libraries, Food, Ridiculousness, Alternate Universe - Library, Alternate Universe - Human.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Dean has the hots for a librarian named Cas, Cas may or may not have the hots for a mechanic named Dean, and Gabriel joins Sam in the peanut gallery in the hopes that he might just get to do a horizontal tango of his own.

Notes: Damn, the misunderstandings in this were so unbelievably painful. Overall, though, it was very funny and quite cute. Also, I love the idea of Gabe owning a sweet store.

Bring it On Home by lilyleia78 on AO3. (34,482 words).

Tags: Romance, Alternate Universe, Drama, Bonding, Angelic Soulbond, Angels, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: When John sells his sons to Heaven in exchange for the Colt, Dean and Sam find themselves separated from each other and in the care of two very different angels. Dean and Cas work together to find out why Heaven wants Sam and how they can reunite the brothers - all the while growing closer every day. Meanwhile Sam should hate Gabriel and his endless string of conquests, but Gabriel's twisted sense of humor and attractive smile inspire something much more complicated.

Notes: First of all, I would like to say that John absolutely does not deserve any redemption or forgiveness in this fic, but okay. The idea - especially the Sabriel side - was a little creepy, but it was executed fairly well.

Our Mornings by entanglednow on AO3. (2,155 words).

Tags: Morning After.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: That would be the sound of his brother having sex with an angel three rooms away.

Notes: This was fairly cute, but a bit short for my tastes.

And, for all the Sabriel fans who don’t ship Destiel:

Highway of Love (Or: How Sam Winchester Learned to Stop Worrying and Relax Already) by Jassy on AO3. (24,536 words).

Tags: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, The Trickster.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: AU. Sam noticed a few things weren't quite right after they killed the Trickster. After going back to check things out, his life will never be the same.

Notes: This was probably the first Sabriel fic I ever read, and honestly I just didn’t understand it. I mean, not complaining, because I’ve read Mystrade fics before and we all know they don’t even share a scene, but I was still confused. Then, I read a really nicely done thing on Instagram explaining it, and I kind of got it. So I read this, and I really enjoyed it, and now I ship Sabriel. 

So, they may be this fandom’s crack ship, but I hope you enjoyed this edition of Destiel + other ships. I’m thinking that I might do a Saileen one in the future, because she may have only been in one episode I have watched but oh boy she was an icon, and it’s good for my heart to ship things that actually happen (I think. No one tell me otherwise. I will cry).

[thomasharpole]

Jubilance - 7/28

A evening with the Dave Matthews Band in Tampa, FL

I am still trying to piece together and process what I experienced last night in the sweaty mess of a pit, watching some of the most talented, world-class musicians weave unforgettable songs and melodies together with us. The last 2 hours of this show amounted to the most powerful and most spiritual experience I’ve ever had seeing live music. Words, especially in English, fall short of my experience and don’t do it justice. It seems futile to write about it, and yet I want to preserve this night in my writing and internalize the lesson from last night as much as I can.

To stand so close at a show is something I had only done 10 years ago, but I wasn’t ready at the time to understand what I was seeing. As a musician, to watch these men last night, who I have now listened to for the better part of 20 years, genuinely felt like spending time with family or the closest friends of your life.

I could see everything. I could see the smiles, the laughter, the concentration, the emotional highs and lows, and the chemistry of these humans on stage together. I could see Carter’s love and thrill for each band member, his genuine undying smile and extraordinary speed and language he speaks on the drum kit. I could see him feel every single cymbal hit before it even landed. I could see Jeff and Rashawn’s friendship as two brass players, and the way they observe each other through their intricate solos. I could see Fonz get giddy during certain musical moments. I could see Tim’s immense concentration and what feels like his access to another dimension in the way he speaks through his guitar. I could see Buddy fresh and fly demeanor, his constant smile while playing keys, and how he is so deeply appreciated by the other legacy members of the band. I could see Dave’s raw outpouring of himself into every song he sang, his soul eternally begging to be released and shown to the world through the language of music. I could also see the warm twinkle in Dave’s eye from 25 feet away, you could tell that he, who feels like a lifelong friend to all of us, felt right at home and his presence communicated something like “I am so thrilled and happy to be here with you, my loving family, after so damn long.”

The venue disappeared for me because we were so close. I felt like I was in a small room with these guys. I was listening to exactly what I would want to hear and watch if I knew I had one evening left until my life was over.

Below are a few moments from certain songs that I wish to hold onto forever.

Setlist and moments:

**I felt the show really started to take off from JTR onward, so I’m going to start song comments at that point.

Tripping Billies Raven Seek Up So Right When The World Ends Seven You Might Die Trying Satellite The Riff

JTR: the pit crew was absolutely thrilled when JTR started playing. “Rain down on me” resonated deeply with a crowd and musicians who were so brutally covered in the sweat and humidity of the evening, it felt as if everyone in this moment resigned to the extreme physical state we were all in, and the musicians were right there with us. The way the horns built the the jam motif in the end of this tune, teasing and getting snagged on the same melody (between 4 and 6 time sig) until their final release in the last 8 bars. The way Carter carries the group through the end, with Dave high stepping along the way… just fantastic.

The Song that Jane Likes: Sweet song, amazing visuals behind the stage, and first time playing this year on tour.

Typical Situation: Something happened at this point in the show that changed the dynamic of the rest of the night. I watched Carter and Dave come alive during this tune. First, to see Carter playing shaker, mallets, and drumsticks on one song and switch effortlessly between them was awesome. But when this song went into the 7/8 chromatic jam during the middle of the outro it was off the charts. Buddy was hammering the keyboard, Carter was slamming the china cymbals, and Dave was DANCING harder than I’ve seen in 4 shows. The pit sang this one loud.

Do You Remember: Endless 90s nostalgia for me. The visuals of the bicycle evoke extremely colorful feelings of my childhood on Ivy St. The endless summer days, the laughter and sports and quiet evenings outside. My dad sitting on a chair watching us. I could write pages on just this feeling, but this song is a portal into my childhood.

Grey Street: Felt the song coming, and as Carter counted the intro out loud the tempo is so recognizable, it almost has its own identity for this song as the drums roll into the opening chord. The third verse comes back to life and the pit loves it. The girl I’m with says something about me being the crazy man creeping and I make a maniac face and she laughs. The thrill of seeing someone I know witness this song in person, up close, is overwhelmingly wholesome. It feels for a moment, as if the night has conspired to make this all happen. I almost hit the floor during the yeah scream on Grey Street after the 3rd chorus. Belted the note too hard and lost oxygen to my head, felt myself about to pass out immediately and grabbed on for dear life. The sax and trumpet duel during the outro between Jeff and Rashawn is staggering and leads us into the final riff of the song which just punches you in its goodness and power.

If Only: Just a humble little song. I need to listen to this one again (live version) to draw out what I remember from the stage.

Dancing Nancies: Dark, absolutely astounding. Tim Reynolds played the most other-worldly guitar solo with visuals on the back of broken dolls, babies, all kinds of crazy things. Dave began the song asking all the right questions about what he could have been to the audience. The hits on the outro in series of 8 were felt in my chest. Best version of it I’ve seen.

Warehouse: My all-time favorite song from this band. This intro is the most visceral and raw sequence in the show. When the sax, trumpet, guitar, and keys come together all in tremolo in 32nd notes, the frequencies and overtones created along with Carter’s enormous rapid cymbal sound is so intense you can see the physical effect it has on Dave. The closest way I could describe this intro as if the soul is being extricated by force out of the body and almost vacuumed or sucked upwards into a new reality it has to reckon with. “Only hope you’re here to pull me out, when I start going under, as the warehouse slips away” gives me chills. (To get a slight idea of what this is like, watch this clip at 38–40 mins. It’s from a different show, but note especially Dave’s viscerally clear connection with something beyond our understanding around the 39m mark.)

The strobes and lights here only add to the intensity of this intro. The huge yell before the 2nd verse. The drive into the outro. The salsa hits at the end. Rashawn just driving the trumpet to where it sounds like a different instrument. And the final lyrics in the moment of great reckoning:

That’s our blood down there⁣

Seems poured from the hands of angels⁣

Then trickle into the ground⁣

Leaves the Warehouse bare and empty⁣

Then my heart’s numbered beat⁣

Will echo in this empty room⁣

And fear wells in me⁣

Til’ nothing seems big enough to stay long

So I am going away, I am going away

The final Eadd9 chord lands as the warm summation and resolution to the song. I see the faces of all of my friends from the last 10 years that have been moved by this piece of music as well, and every place I have been in my life when listening to this song. It’s a sweet ending.

Everyday: One of Buddy’s licks on the intro to this song was a 32nd note run that blew the entire band away. He played 16 notes in under 2 seconds down the scale. Carter, who is probably the most attentive to rhythm, had his jaw on the floor. Everyone was loving it. The improv vocals. The 3 part harmonies. The crowd singing Hani Hani come and dance with me. The final build. Richness.

PNP > Rapunzel: Endlessly playful song that is perfect way to end a show. Funniest part of the show is when Dave’s string broke about 15 seconds before the outro-dance-explosion that becomes the end of this song. It was very critical that the new guitar get on before the downbeat of the outro because of how much the song picks up and to keep that energy. As Dave is bending his neck to put the new guitar on, after 3 hours of playing and probably in some pain, he changed the last lyrics of Rapunzel to: “Every single thing you do to me, my god I’m FUCKED, but I’ll do, my best, for you, I’ll do yeaaaaaa. LOL! I’m sure he’s used this change before but it was timed so perfectly with him tangled in a new guitar strap, with his head banging against the various items, knowing he had about 3 seconds to pull of this change and it was not going well.

Encore:

Singing From The Windows: I could not hold it together for this song. After a year and a half of what has felt like chaos in the lives of many people and in humanity, the acceptance and hope that pours from this song, and out of Dave, is enough to floor anyone that has an ounce of care for the rest of our species. I looked around and everyone around me in the pit was crying. Dave got choked up on this song the other night and looked like he was barely holding it together. There was a quiet and serenity for a moment without the band, and all of the focus went to the songwriter and the gripping power one man and a guitar can have on an audience of 20,000 people.

Why I Am: Man, it really felt like Leroi still carries a presence in this band and you can tell why the band sings it often.

Stay: By this point, everyone was so insanely hot in the pit that they were belting Stay knowing that it was the last chance we would get to sing together. The way Carter syncopates the china cymbals on the outro of this song has always captured me. To watch Dave dance to this one more time while the horns went off and spread his arms wide on the final 3 seconds of the song was an exclamation point on a wild ass evening.

— —

Anyway, I wish that every human being could experience what I did last night. The world would be an infinitely better place. It’s not often that we have moments in our life that alter the course of the path we’re on, but I think it’s important to recognize them when they happen.

Whatever God is or means, or exists insofar as we allow him/her/it into this world, God was absolutely radiating last night. In the faces of the people, and in the entity that lives and breathes and is created when these musicians get together on stage. There is something above and beyond human form that I am humbled to have been a witness to.

It sounds a bit wild, but we are so unbelievably bigger than our bodies trick us into thinking we are. We are so much bigger than the Warehouse that contains us. And yet, we must live and do God’s work through this physical vessel because it is the only form that we take while we’re here. We must learn from this self and feed it, nourish it, teach it to become more than what it thinks it is.

One other thought: to share this musical experience alone is wonderful. But to have shared this band with someone I love so deeply is all a person could ever ask for. It is the epitome of the human experience, that is, to watch another person receive their own gift, their own joy, their own meaning from something you believe in, and to know they will carry it with them forever. They are changed by your truth. I got to see her become fully and endlessly alive because of this music last night. And that was infinitely enough.

We left the venue on fire with gratitute. It sounds wild, but I remember thinking I could die quite peacefully at that moment! I couldn’t conjure any other thing I needed to go do on this planet. I couldn’t conjure a negative thought. It was impossible. The word “ecstasy” doesn’t do this feeling justice, because the emotions are so much further in range than just intense happiness. Perhaps “awareness” or “power” or “spiritual fullness” resound a bit more to me, but for everyone it is different.

I think what’s most special about this band is that their music permeates into the core of who you are as a human being. It’s spiritual. It’s bursting with truth. It transforms how you see the world. It becomes your attitude and your way of life. This is why these guys sold more live tickets than any other group on earth for 10 years straight. The range of emotion embedded in the music is also the perfect analogy of what we as people honestly grapple with during our journey here. The lessons are clear. The music has given millions of people permission to live better lives: with jubilance, resilience, and an understanding that joy exists even amidst the deepest of pain. Each day we have an opportunity to show someone else this honest attitude, this truth, through whatever medium we choose. It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person. There is no question I will carry the richness of this experience with me, from now until the end of my life. I am forever thankful for nights like this, nights that are simply transcendent.

Thomas Harpole

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ThomasHarpole.com

[0poole]

Soul

Breaking news, everyone: Pixar made another slapper.

I’m gonna get it out of the way first, but the only (and yes, only. Not like someone trying to say “only” even though they have many more nitpicks that they just don’t want to talk about) problem I had at all was that the super high realism of the settings of Earth kind of made the more cartoony faces of the people look a little more off. But, it’s kinda like the same thing people were talking about with that cat in Toy Story 4. It looks super real, which is impressive, but I feel like it was almost too real compared to the faces. Obviously it was too real compared to the supernatural settings because that was intentional, but yeah. It’s not even a big problem, it’s just the only one I can think of. I do think the realistic renderings of hair, light, water, etc at least work with cartoony stuff, but apart from that it looked almost like it could’ve been a photograph, with no exaggeration in the buildings or anything else.

I mean, I love the faces, so I definitely wish they went the extra mile showing extra personality and character in the buildings, as faces do with characters. Considering the faces matter like a bazillion times more, I still think they knocked it out of the park on the visuals. People with more investment and knowledge into the topic already said that the faces of any of the people of color felt cartoony and unique while also being true to life and respectful (My family recently stumbled onto some old animations from the 30s and lemme tell ya... We’ve come a long way), but seriously the characters that sold me on the visuals were the Picasso-esque beings who may or may not be the Gods of the universe maybe?

Spoiler boundary of course. It’s definitely worth a watch.

And that’s honestly what made the realistic world so much better. When the accountant guy went into the real world to set the count right, it was one of the most fun I’ve had just watching something. The sheer contrast between him and the world was so much fun, and it even solidified that those beings weren’t even acting in a different dimension or anything. They’re literally just beings that exist, meaning that all the other parts with the unborn souls and such are just as real as Earth. Or, even better, they’re the ones who can just casually rip a hole in dimensions. As far as depictions of Gods go, if they are even Gods at all, I think they’re one of the best I’ve ever seen. They feel like they could actually be how Gods actually exist, since all the commonalities of Gods involve supernatural power, which would suggest they’re supernatural themselves. I mean, I have a story with Gods in it too and they’re basically just that although admittedly a lot less imaginative.

With those guys being my favorite design, second place definitely goes to the lost souls, although obviously for more subjective reasons. 1) They’re purple, 2) They have one eye, 3) That eye is yellow which I always think is the best compliment to purple, 4) Tentacles, 5) Creepy in a kid’s movie. Franky, I would’ve made them a lot creepier, but even then they’re super creepy, if not visually then in their behavior. They’d just be kind of sad if they were just mumbling around, but since the first introduction to them starts charging at the main characters like a deranged monster. Considering how weird everything in that dimension is, finding something that isn’t nearly as innocent as everything else instantly invokes fear, since you have no idea what that thing can and wants to do to you. Sort of similar, I would’ve also made the “In the Zone” moments a bit more crazy and colorful, like when Joe fell through the void between the road to the Great Beyond and the You-seminar (is that how it’s spelled?), but these “I would do it differently”s might just be a fault of my design ideas or just subjective interests. I would’ve watched 2 hours of pure, nonsensical abstract worlds like the You-seminar with no explanation to how they work.

I definitely have a relief with the story, mostly entirely revolving around 22′s character. I was kind of worried she’d be too childish to really enjoy, but I feel like she was done really well. All the major historical figures’ remarks on how hopeless she were both funny and also really tied into her character “flaw” at the end as she was a lost soul. It might not be the most unique character archetype of all time, but it definitely makes sense, with all the people bringing her down implanting in her mind that she was an anomaly, and after a while was just sort of following it. Plus, she seemed genuinely interested in Joe’s weirdness, instead of being super mindlessly irreverent. And her being able to expand Joe’s understanding about his own world, like with the barber and his student, brings her up as more than a whiny, bratty child in the scope of the story. She didn’t JUST learn.

Even though I kind of expected it from the get-go, I’m also relieved that the movie didn’t shy away as much with the dark elements of death. It was kind of suggested that this wasn’t going to be a perfectly casual romp through a magical afterlife like Inside Out was with the mind because of the unborn souls unabashedly saying “Hell” in the TRAILER of the movie. I feel like that alone made the story super interesting, because it shows they’re actually going to be a bit more serious with things instead of just simplifying the unknowable complexities of the before & afterlife. Even with the dead souls going into the Great Beyond, it was a mix of being weirdly peaceful for some and super scary for others. My family thought it was peaceful for the most part, but my mom specifically though it was terrifying, and even though it’s a lot more peaceful than almost all other depictions of death, I can’t blame her. The souls were just kinda accepting it, like they’d been brainwashed or something, but still acknowledged that they were dead and were going into the afterlife. Plus, Joe, being the main character who we are supposed to sort of reflect in a way, was super freaked out by it, so that could easily suggest it’s to be afraid of and the other people are the weird ones.

I think the true message of the story being so strange was better too, because it would’ve been so boring if it fell into a super basic message we’ve heard millions of times. I feel like it has a similar sentiment to the basic messages, but is at least a more interesting way of saying it, if it is even like that in the first place, because it’s also somewhat vague in a good way. I think my brother/mother misinterpreted and simplified things a bit too much, where they thought it was sort of like a happier way of saying “accept your lot in life and don’t change it.” I could probably go on a full other rant about why I think this is wrong, but part of it is I don’t really know how they came to this conclusion in the first place, considering with that scene with that guy who threw the computers off his desk as his lost soul was cured (I guess you could call it that?), who obviously realized he wasn’t okay with his lot in life and was destined to change it. I think they sort of misinterpreted “the spark” and other things it as a 100% for-real, this-is-how-the-real-world-works sort of way, and not as much as a fictional way of saying things. Not necessarily symbolic, but I guess symbolic also? It has some of the same weird logical problems as the Cutie Marks from My Little Pony, except they’re obviously better since Cutie Marks determine your life down to your very job some of the time, while “sparks” are more vague and seemingly up to you. They’re more like when an unborn soul realizes there’s something on Earth they want to figure out, not necessarily their hobbies or jobs. For example, they kind of cited the barber character as the one who supported their point, but I think he does the complete opposite. He wanted to be a vet, but he ended up being a barber. But, they sort of assumed his “spark” was to be a barber, and that his personal interests didn’t matter because the “spark” forced him into a less favorable job. But, in reality, I feel like his “spark” is more his interest in love for the people around him, which is why he decided to get a more practical job to support his daughter (wife? one of the two) when he really needed to. Plus, he still enjoys being a barber because his devotion to love lets him connect to people as he cuts their hair. After all, he seems to be succeeding in his goal, since Joe was just like “Hey, let’s go see this guy he’s the exact guy we need!” People who don’t show love and interest for others don’t make that kind of impression in people’s minds. I feel like if we knew each story of everyone’s life down to the last detail we could fully determine what the mechanics of the world and its people are meant to say from a fictional context, but with such a limited selection I don’t think you can say something so sure. Sure, every choice in a movie is made specifically for a purpose, but I feel like if a movie tries to hard to be like “Oh but don’t worry here’s an exception” a million times it gets bogged down by its own attempt to make the message as obvious as possible.

Anyway...

There are also a lot of neat little details I loved, like how even though they did this for basically no other point in the movie, they made sure to include people from all around the world in that mess of dead souls, firmly sort of putting in the idea that the entire globe is in a sense one single entity that leads to the same place. They could’ve so easily just made everyone speak English for that throwaway scene, but I feel like including people from all around the world was very beneficial. Even the EXTRA little things, like the path to the Great Beyond looking like the neck portion of a guitar with the metal bits that separate the notes, or the facial features of the Gods blurring when they turned their heads in the other direction.

But yeah, who would’ve guessed Pixar made another good movie, right? Even then, Soul’s in the upper echelon of Pixar films. I really hope they (and Disney) realize they can go bonkers with a movie and still benefit/survive from it, since they’re so damn rich and inherently profitable. I think AAA animated movies like this that are the perfect amount of artsy are few and far between, and we need more of them. If anything, I hope they get more artsy, but I guess I’ll still never say no to a fun fantastical romp either. Basically, Pixar has looped me into watching any and everything they produce because it’s never “bad” I think. In the grand scheme of quality, even their worst work (Cars 2) is still not “terrible,” per se, even if it feels like it exists more as a cash grab than a genuine tale.

[essektheylyss]

soft prompt (idk what constitutes it as soft but it's a prompt): Essek, on the way to Eiselcross for wizard research mission, runs into Reani, on one of her excursions with the Woodset Auditors (yes I looked that up from the transcript way back to ep 74). they have a nice friendly chat. dealer's choice on platonic or romantic.

YESSSSS. I went with a little of both. they’re both disaster bis and I love them.

The cloth stings against the scrapes across his temple, and he hisses as he comes back to consciousness, one hand snapping around the wrist of the person hovering over him—

When he opens his eyes, he is shocked to find a familiar face.

“Essek…?” Reani says, half mumbled, and he blinks, pressing himself up on elbows. He feels like he’s been trampled by a horse, and immediately lays back down, groaning against the pain.

“Reani,” he exhales—it’s as much effort as he can put into his voice at the moment. “Hello. I think I may have teleported into a mountain.”

“Where were you going?” Reani asks, without pretense, and clasps his hand; immediately a jolt of energy thrums through him, and he feels far less like the room is spinning.

“Thank you,” he gasps out, and sits up. He’s in a decent-sized tent, something like what the Kryn expedition teams bring with them, and he looks around at the crates on which he has been put. “What is this?”

Reani pouts a little, the shadows shifting across her face from the glow of her halo. “If you’re not gonna answer my question, then maybe I don’t wanna answer yours.”

He raises an eyebrow. “I suppose that’s fair. I am traveling to meet up with a Dynasty expedition in Eiselcross.”

“Oh, it’s really cold there,” Reani says quickly, and looks him up and down. “Like, really cold. Aren’t you going to be cold?”

He swings his legs over to sit upright and face her, before he tugs the fabric of reality beside his head, pulling a duffel bag out of nothing. It’s warm enough in the tent, which he attributes to some kind of evocation magic, as he knows that the ground outside is frozen solid.

“Oh,” Reani says, staring at the trick as he watches her, then flicks his wrist and sends his luggage back into a pocket dimension. “Oh, that’s neat.”

“Yes,” he smiles crookedly. “Quite… neat.”

“Well I’m with an expedition to the Savalirwood,” Reani perks up, and hops up to sit beside him on the crate. “We were looking for, you know, stuff—“

“In Molaesmyr?” Essek wonders, eyebrow raised. He’s increasingly curious about this strange aasimar who has stumbled across his broken body—grateful, also, that he didn’t die in the snow without help, but mostly curious.

“Well, all over really, but yeah, we look for stuff in Molaesmyr a lot, yeah. What are you looking for in Eiselcross?” Her grin widens, and he remembers why she had reminded him of Jester upon meeting. “Lava?”

“No, no, if all goes well, lava will not be on the to-do list,” he smiles, turning on as much charm as he can muster in an attempt to pacify her questions. “The Dynasty is merely seeking magical artifacts that can be of use to us, and I facilitate that process in Eiselcross from time to time.”

“Oh, that’s…” she blushes, and looks down, chewing on her fingernail, “that’s cool. That’s cool.”

“Are you a researcher, Reani?”

“No, no, no, I’m… I’m just a guard, mostly. I fight things. Help people.”

“That is why you were with the Mighty Nein.”

“Yeah!” She brightens, sitting up again. “Yeah they seemed like they needed some help.”

He thinks of Fjord, who had left with one voice and returned with another, accompanied by this strange woman, and feels a pit in his stomach. “Well, it is good that they had you.”

“I think it’s good that they have you too,” Reani grins, nudging his shoulder with hers, and that feeling in his stomach only worsens, the one that has been gnawing at him since long before the ship.

“They have done far more for me than I have done for them, I think,” he says, genuinely, and she peers at him curiously. He has an inkling of what she is, what she does, just from speaking with her—he is that perceptive, at least—and he cannot tell her why his heart leaps to his throat every time a runner delivers notice of another meeting that he has been summoned to. “I suppose I should get going—another attempt, perhaps.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she says, looking him up and down. “You’re preeeeetty beat up. You don’t wanna stay here for the night?” And she whispers, conspiratorially, “I’ve been saving some of those cupcakes from Uthodurn that Jester likes in case I see her, but I can always get more—“

“Stay here,” he echoes, and looks around the tent. “With you?”

Reani blushes deeply, and he watches as she stumbles over her words, and suddenly he finds himself flushed as well. His heart jumps for an entirely different reason. It’s… endearing, how flustered she is all of a sudden, and he cuts her off. “A cupcake would be wonderful,” he says, then adds, “and we’ll see how I’m feeling after that, hmm?”

She freezes, shocked for a moment, then throws her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. He winces preemptively, waiting for pain on his bruised torso that doesn’t come, and another burst of energy washes over him. Oh. That’s… that’s sweet. “Cupcakes,” she grins, and turns to find dessert.

[marvelousimagines]

Two Worlds, One Connection

Lena Luthor x Reader

Summary:

Notes: For @adryan-scott (I will try to write an actual story with this premise as soon as I can, but I wanted to finally get something out for you. I hope that’s okay.)

You grew up with the world of make believe around you. Your imagination being your only companion during the long summer nights.

For you could be anything you wanted to be with it.

You could be the most dreaded pirate across all seven seas.

You could be a brave knight rescuing the beautiful maiden.

You could be the greatest singer the world had ever heard. Or the most brilliant mind it had ever seen.

Anything as long as you weren’t the poor kid that others looked down upon.

As long as you weren’t the kid that got pitying glances from all the adults in your school when you appeared in the jeans you had worn yesterday.

The kid who couldn’t make any friends because you were antisocial, because you were a daydreamer.

Was it so bad that you wished for a better life? And when a solution wasn’t forthcoming you simply made one up.

Of course they wouldn’t understand because both of their parents were still around. They had a secure home that they could return to. Not some foster house that had decided to take you in because of the benevolence of its owners. You were sure the check that the government sent them didn’t have a contribution at all.

So you were left alone with your thoughts and your make believe world.

Dreaming of what could be, and in doing so you became even more determined to make those dreams a reality.

To make yourself something that no one ever thought you could be.

Proving that just because you had your head in the clouds didn’t mean you didn’t understand what it was like to be on the ground. After all wasn’t there a popular saying where you want people to think outside the box? Why was that so different from allowing yourself to believe in things that don’t fit what people think? Wasn’t that contradicting the very statement others push onto you?

As you grew older and you were bounced around more and more, your ideas and your imagination were the only things keeping you afloat. The only thing that you could ever have that was ever 100% yours.

Which only made you cling onto it that much harder.

When you reached high school you began to invest your time in studying. Throwing yourself into your schoolwork.

As your peers got drunk on the weekends, you studied from your history test.

As your peers went out on dates, you made sure you had your speech memorized.

As your peers went to parties on Friday nights, you sat in your room gazing at the stars and mapping out the constellations in your head.

With all the time and attention you put into your studies it was of no surprise when you earned the valedictorian spot. Nor was it any surprise when you gained a full ride to MIT.

All of your dreams and aspirations coming true with that simple letter. You finally proving yourself to everyone that ever thought you couldn’t do anything.

You were no longer just the lost little foster kid but a proud freshman at MIT.

Though your recent accomplishments never stopped your drive for learning.

Never stopped your thirst for more.

It was what drove you study long hours in the library when all your peers were asleep.

It was what drove you to run that extra mile during the morning so you could figure out the theorems running rampant through your head.

It was what drove you to be the best you could be. You would never settle for anything less than that.

You couldn’t.

As the years went by and your college life passed before your eyes, and graduation came and went, you couldn’t help but look back at your life.

Reminiscing about the years long past and everything that led you to this point.

An intern at Adler Industries, the newest company in applied science and other more... creative fields.

Their newest project being the one that intrigued you the most.

A device that could open a portal between dimensions. Something that could connect worlds together like nothing before.

It was like one of your fantasies come to life.

You just never expected what would happen because of it.

You were working late, sitting at your desk during a thunderstorm. Your attention diverting from your laptop when you heard a sharp crack.

Jumping up you rushed to the reactor. Watching in worry as it started to flicker. Not knowing what to do you moved towards the phone on the opposite wall. Your frazzled mind not even thinking to go back to your desk and grab your cellphone.

However, before you could get even half way a large arc of light streaked across the room towards you. Much like the lightning outside.

The moment it touched your skin you saw a burst of white, and then nothing.

When you next woke up you were confused to see a ceiling you had never seen before, and it definitely didn’t look like a hospitals ceiling.

Bringing your head up, ignoring the throbbing the action caused, you survey your surroundings. Taking in the sleek furniture and the sliding glass door of the room.

Moving your gaze to the window, you squint and try to see any decipherable land marks but can’t make anything out that looks familiar to you.

Worry starts to begin to worm it’s way through your chest.

The knowledge of what was happening only heightening when the sliding glass door opens and a woman steps through.

A woman that looks familiar but you know isn’t the person you believe her to be.

A woman with long, raven black hair pulled into a tight bun. Lips painted a crimson red that offsets the fairness of her skin. A pencil skirt hugging toned legs and blouse/blazer combo showing off her shoulders.

Emerald eyes meet your own dazed ones. Clear worry shining within their depths.

You know that you should speak, show some sign of brain cognition, but you were frozen.

How else was someone supposed to react to having Lena fucking Luthor standing in front of them? One of the only characters you have ever connected with.

Your own personal hero.

A small smile quirks at the corner of ruby red lips. Her voice, sans the Irish accent you were so used to hearing, speaking in a low tone. Probably not wanting to startle you even more. “How are you feeling? You gave the night janitor quite the fright when you appeared in the main lobby.”

You open your mouth to respond, to say anything, but only the one sentence you didn’t want to escape leaves your mouth. “You’re Lena Luthor.”

A surprised look graced elegant features before her lips quirk once more. “That I am. I’m glad that you’re able to recognize something. As I was observing you and you didn’t seem to recognize anything else.”

“Probably because it’s not my Earth to recognize,” you quip back, seeing no reason to hide what you were or how you got here.

“What do you mean?”

You sigh in resignation of what you know will be a long story, but you know how intelligent Lena was. So you were hoping she grasped everything quickly. You didn’t want to have to explain it again.

So you do... you tell her everything.

Explained to her how the machine the company you were working for malfunctioned.

Explained what had led up to that point.

Explained everything and anything that could be important, and throughout it all she stayed silent. A glimmer in her eyes as the story progressed.

It was a look you were versed in.

It was the look of someone who was just given the best puzzle in the world to solve.

After you were done Lena simply stared at you for a moment before a large smile broke out across her face. “Well that’s quite the tale. If what you’ve told me is true then you’ll have to become accommodated with this world. Which is something I would be more than happy to help you with.”

You could only smile in response. Grateful for Lena’s generosity and kindness.

Which is how you found yourself working at L-Corp not even a week later. Settling yourself in one of the many labs of the building. Feeling right at home amid the scientist.

Having them accept you into their fold was only an added bonus.

Having Lena come visit you every day even more so.

After the first couple of times the other scientists didn’t bat an eye at the CEO’s sudden appearances. Either with or without food, but always with a gentle smile.

A few after that they stopped being shocked at hearing Lena genuinely laugh while in your company.

And a couple after that they stopped being distracted by the presence of her. After all science is all about adapting, and that goes for scientists as well. It was a common occurrence. Just another variable added to their lab.

For your part you stopped being surprised when Lena visited you without fail. Her expression always soft and welcoming. You stopped being nervous about asking her to hang out with you.

Instead you grew to crave her company. The gentle touches and looks that you both shared. You began to look forward to spending time with her. Whether it be spending time in her office at night or going out to dinner.

Any place with Lena was the place you wanted to be.

And when the touches and looks started to linger? When the dinners in her office and in diners turned into movie nights at her apartment or yours? When Lena seemed to always remember any important date? When she made sure that you knew she was always with you?

To you that was only the natural progression of everything that had been festering between you both.

Something that was as natural as breathing.

Something that you couldn’t live without.

So when she finally kisses you during one of those movie nights you knew that you were finally home.

And when she pulls back with the softest smile of them all, emerald green eyes shining with love and adoration, you knew that any accomplishment you had before paled in comparison to being able to elicit such a look from her.

That all accomplishments to come would involve making Lena Luthor the happiest woman in the world. To making sure she smiled, laughed and continued to stare at you like that everyday.

There was no achievement greater than that.

There was no fantasy that could ever measure up.

For once, you were glad that your reality surrounded you.

And that this wasn’t just another fantasy.

Because the real thing was so much better.

[yumeka36]

Frozen 2 review

I’ve seen Frozen 2 twice now and feel like I’m ready to review it (somewhat) objectively. Obviously there will be spoilers so read at your own risk.

I’ve looked at a number of reviews of the movie both from fans and general critics/moviegoers, and it made me realize exactly what kind of movie this is: pretty much all of the criticism I’ve seen has to do with the plot being unfocused and rushed at times, with points made about the convolution of the mythology elements. On the other hand, the praise I’ve seen has to do with the growth of the characters, how appealing Anna and Elsa’s development is, and the overall message of accepting change, righting past wrongs, and being who you’re meant to be. It’s almost like the critics who didn’t like the movie and the fans who did had completely different expectations for what they wanted to see, with the former expecting some intricate fantasy plot that all clicks together and is fully fleshed out, while the latter is expecting to see their favorite characters face new adventures while growing their relationships and personal identities. And this latter interpretation is the defining point of Frozen’s appeal, even more so in the sequel: the franchise is all about the story arcs of Anna and Elsa and how their bond as sisters helps them grow stronger together as well as individually. In Frozen 2, it’s the characters that are driving the plot instead of the plot driving the characters. And because of this, the movie would rather spend more time focusing on character songs and interactions (not just Anna and Elsa but Olaf and Kristoff too) than exposition and fleshing out of story elements. It would rather spend time showing Kristoff singing about his pining for Anna’s love, give Olaf scenes showing how his new-found knowledge has made him view the world, and give Elsa a follow-up to “Let It Go” in “Show Yourself,” than to spend time explaining, say, the Northuldra culture, how the spirits can make decisions like giving Elsa powers, or exactly how the magic of Ahtohallan works. Yes, this does make some story points lacking and hurried, but I feel that the filmmaking team relies on the fact that we’re so in love with these characters that not understanding every detail in the lore and plot won���t ruin our enjoyment. And, from the acclaim the movie’s getting, I’d say they’re right.

Frozen has always been about quality character story arcs as opposed to quality world-building, but the reason this is more prominent in Frozen 2 is because the first movie had a smaller scale story with minimal lore to focus on, so the character arcs stood out more. Because the sequel brings in more world-building elements, it’s easy for someone who’s not invested in the characters to focus on and judge the movie based on the fine details of the plot. Of course it would be nice if we could have both: intricate, solid world-building as well as character development, but that would probably make the movie too long – it could work for an ongoing series but not for a time-restricted Disney movie that only has a degree of creative liberties and still has to adhere to certain story flows and formulas. So then the questions are, did I feel enough was explained in Frozen 2 to make sense of the story even if a handful of things were lacking? Did the quality of the characters and their developments and relationships make up for a plot that was a bit messy and unfocused? I’d say the answer to these questions is yes.

With that in mind, as a fan judging the movie based more on how the characters are handled rather than the plot, and considering the hype the movie had to live up to and the insane number of directions they could have gone with the story, I think the final product turned out to be very good. The few things I had issue with are as follows:

-as I discussed in most of this post, I admit that the movie is a bit rushed at times, with certain scenes and plot points that needed more focus being glossed over. An extra 5-10 minute runtime would have benefited it immensely: a few more scenes of Agnarr and Iduna in Ahtohallan, more discussion in the finale of Anna becoming queen and what Elsa’s role as the fifth spirit is…even just another 30 seconds for each of these would have made a big difference. But at the same time I feel enough is explained to satisfy a general audience and the main appeal of the movie – the character arcs and relationships – is very well done.

-Kristoff’s failed proposal in the wagon felt way too forced. Anna was just way too quick to misunderstand him, making it feel very unrealistic and it only made their relationship look regressing rather than progressing. The other attempt in the forest was a bit forced too but not as bad as this one. These scenes definitely could have benefited from another rewrite. But thankfully they’re short.

-the new characters like Matthias and Honeymaren contributed virtually nothing to the plot: they could have been replaced with just nameless Northuldra and Arendelle soldiers and nothing would have changed in the story. I think the only reason these characters were made is because there’s some rule that Disney sequels have to have new characters and can’t just rely on the strength of the old ones, so these guys were created even if the movie didn’t necessitate them. Even the four spirits were more plot devices than actual characters. As cute as Bruni is, as soon as I saw him I was like “yeah, he’s just there to sell toys, not gonna contribute anything to the narrative flow” and I was right. This again goes back to what I was saying before about how Frozen 2 chooses to focus more on its (star) characters than world-building through new characters. So in a way, having these new characters isn’t a flaw and it actually shows just how good the original Frozen characters are: they still have so much depth and personality that hasn’t been explored that they can carry this new story on their own without the help of new characters.

But other than a few missing and rushed plot pieces and a little poor writing in Kristoff’s scenes, I thought the movie delivered very well. The love Anna has for Elsa is so amazingly conveyed in this movie that you don’t even need to see the first movie to understand it. All of their interactions and conversations felt so genuine. Olaf was very funny even if all of his jokes didn’t hit their mark. Most of the songs were great and really felt like they were written to move the characters and story forward and not just to be earworms kids will always want to sing. “The Next Right Thing” is one of the darkest moments I’ve seen in any Disney movie, but also one of the most emotionally moving and I have to give kudos to the creative team for keeping it in. “Show Yourself” is the true successor to “Let It Go” (why do they keep pushing “Into the Unknown”?) and is such a beautifully sung and beautifully animated sequence. Speaking of the movie’s animation, it’s gorgeous and it’s so amazing how far the technology has come since the first Frozen. There’s so much detail and nuances in the characters’ expressions and actions that only multiple viewings can pick up on.

Of course, I can’t complete this review unless I discuss the elephant in the room – the ending. Anyone who’s been around the fandom the past couple months knows how bent out of shape everyone got once a vague description of the ending leaked online. Now that I’ve seen it for myself and know all the context, I’m okay with the message: Because Iduna did the right thing and saved Agnarr despite him being her enemy, the spirits gifted their child with powers that could be used to correct the past wrong, should she choose to. And because Anna did the right thing by choosing to destroy her kingdom to save the forest, the spirits freed Elsa who, in turn, was able to save Arendelle. Elsa fully embraced herself and is able to live as she wants, but still able to see her family when she wants. It’s not that she didn’t like being queen of Arendelle and living with Anna and the others, but now that she knows exactly what she is – the fifth spirit – she wants to explore that, but is still able to have a life with her family too. Likewise, Anna has found a purpose she never had before. Even though it’s a major change, she’s happy because she knows Elsa is happy and they can still see each other whenever they want. But as I said, exactly what Elsa does as the fifth spirit should have been explained more (hoping it does in future installments). For what we got though, it was a happy ending, but I won’t say it’s satisfying until we get some more information in future books, filmmaker interviews, and, hopefully, future animated shorts and sequels.

I’m still trying to get over the shock, not just of the fact that a movie I’ve been speculating and daydreaming about for six years is finally here and known, but also the fact that it ended up being very different from what I ever imagined in my theories and headcanons. But now that I’ve watched it twice, I understand the direction the filmmakers went and can appreciate the message they wanted to convey even if the execution was a bit messy. I’m hoping I’m high on Frozen 2 for a while because once it wears off and, assuming, there’s no announcement of new Frozen content by then, I’ll have to figure out what to do with my life! This movie is all about coming to grips with change and I’ll definitely be doing that in reality depending on what the future holds for the Frozen franchise. But as of now, I’m still willing to follow Anna and Elsa into the unknown.

Art credited to @pacota22ma on Twitter

*Crossposted from my main blog, Yume Dimension*

[dem-obscure-imagines]

The Time-Traveler’s Daughter

Prince Zuko x Reader Summary: You are where history and prophecy collide, the daughter of a time traveler and a witch, and this has done nothing but cause problems...But maybe getting stuck in another dimension isn’t the worst thing to happen to you. Note: I will probably use this reader again. I don’t know, I just really like this concept. Warnings: None? I’m a hoe for Zuko as usual lmao. (I went way overboard. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is the longest one-shot I’ve ever written for this blog) Word Count: 6k

Being the child of a dimension-hopping time traveler and a witch who knew better had given you quite possibly the strangest childhood you could have ever asked for. Your father’s friends from all over history and the universe were always popping in for a visit, and your mother’s ancestry granted you an education at a magical boarding school.

It was the summer just after your graduation, and so each of your parents had decided to give you a gift. Your mother’s gift was her own coming of age necklace, a powerful amulet that had been passed down from woman to woman, all the way down her side of the family. Your father, as always, had invented something of his own for you, a watch.

This was no ordinary watch, however. The large steel device allowed the wearer to time travel or travel through dimensions as they pleased. It harnessed the same technology his metal glove did. Your mother was a bit on the fence about this gift, but your father insisted that it was time for you to explore and have your own adventures. After all, if he hadn’t gone out to explore the universe, he would have never met your mother.

So, she relented and let you try it out. That was, perhaps, why you were blacked out in a dimension that wasn’t your own. Your head hurt something fierce, and by the time you started to open your eyes, there were two familiar strangers hovering over you. The first was older, his friendly features obscured by a white beard. The second was around your age, shaggy dark brown hair partially hiding his fierce amber eyes. A scar stretched across the right side of his face.

“Oh my God…” You groaned, struggling to sit up.

“I’ll get you some tea. Please be careful.” The first stranger, someone you recognized as Iroh from your years of watching Avatar as a child, told you. “You’ve been asleep for a long while.”

“You’re...Iroh and Zuko…” You mumbled, looking at each of them for a moment. Zuko’s eyes widened and he looked to his uncle for some clue about what to do. Depending on when in their timeline you’d found them, that might have not been the best thing to say. “I’m...I’m not from around here. I don’t know how I got HERE of all places…”

“I thought you were dressed a little strange.” Iroh noted, chuckling to himself. He didn’t seem bothered about your comment, nor the fact that you knew who they were while they were pretending to be simple refugees as opposed to powerful fire-benders. “I’ve never seen clothes like those before.”

In most dimensions, your gray hoodie, black t-shirt, and ripped jeans would have been more than normal. Of course you found yourself in the one where they weren’t. And then there was the matter of your watch, which upon further inspection was broken, sparking and jolting when you rushed to take it off. “Shit!”

“What’s wrong?” Zuko jolted at your sudden outburst.

“It’s broken! Oh my God, my mom’s gonna kill me! I...” You took a deep breath, trying to center yourself. “I can’t get home without it. It’s broken, so I’m...stuck here.”

“What do you mean you’re stuck here? It’s just a bracelet. I’m sure if you explained to your mom--”

“You don’t understand, Zuko. That watch is...the reason I’m here. It’s like a portal. And without it, I can’t get home.” You looked to Iroh. “I, uh...wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t from around here…”

“You’re from another world, then…” Iroh thought about it for a long moment, passing a warm cup of tea to you. “That is quite the pickle. Well, you’re more than welcome to stay with us until you find a way home. Zuko, find our guest something...suitable to wear. Wouldn’t want to draw attention.”

“Thank you.” You were still floored that this was your reality. Your whole childhood, you’d looked up to Iroh. His wisdom and kindness were values you’d appreciated forever. And Zuko...well, it wouldn’t be too far off to say he’d been one of your first crushes, despite the fact that he was animated. Of course, now he was in the flesh in front of you, and it was...different. You couldn’t deny the fact that the prince was handsome.

Zuko left to go to the market and get you something that wouldn’t make you stand out in Ba Sing Se. Meanwhile, Iroh asked about where you’d come from.

“My father is like me. A dimension-hopper. He made my watch as a graduation present. Where I’m from, you and Zuko...you’re fictional.”

“Fictional, you say? Very interesting…” He took a sip from his tea. “So how did you come to know about us, then, if we’re fictional in your universe?”

“Well, you two are characters in one of my favorite cartoons growing up.” You thought for a second. This world you’d found yourself in was very technologically behind the one you’d come from. “Cartoons are like...drawings that move. And they have sound. It’s...hard to explain, I’m sorry.”

“Cartoons sound incredible! It must be such an interesting world, where you’re from.”

“It is, yeah. Where I’m from, the only people with powers are witches like my mom. Like...me. I always thought benders were so cool. The idea that you can just control the elements is so cool.”

“You have magic?!” The old man’s features lit up. “Would it be out of the question to see some?”

“Of course not, um…” You thought for a moment before letting go of your tea cup and letting it float in front of you. When you did it, the amulet around your neck glowed. “I can’t do much. My staff is back home, but without it, I can do some little things. If I had it, I could just...fix my watch. Without it, though, I guess I’ll just have to figure it out.”

“Zuko could probably take you to the market tomorrow to look for parts. Someone around here must have something that could help.”

“What about me?” Zuko entered the house, closing the door behind him. He had a bundle of clothes tucked under his arm. He handed it to you. “I wasn’t sure what size you are, but I think those should fit.”

“Thank you.”

“We were just discussing the matter of (Y/N)’s broken watch.” Iroh explained, motioning to the device that was still sparking every few seconds. “She needs some parts to fix it. I wondered if maybe you could take her to the market tomorrow to get some spare parts for it.”

“Sure.” He shrugged, sitting between you and his uncle. Your heart lurched, and so, you stood up to go to the spare room and change into these new garments. Zuko had found you some naturally colored undergarments with a green dress that went over top. You used some clips to pull your hair back and folded your clothes from home before returning to where Zuko and Iroh were sitting.

The way they both stopped talking and looked up at you when you returned made it obvious what they had been talking about. Well, that, and Zuko’s interested statement, “You’re a witch, too?”

“I’m a lot of things.” You laughed, tucking your folded clothes into the corner of the room with your backpack. “Did Iroh tell you the other thing?”

“That we don’t exist? Yeah, he did.” Zuko looked uncertain as he said it.

“It’s not that you don’t exist.” You walked back to the table and sat down next to him. “My dad explained it to me when I was young like this: there are a lot of dimensions in our universe, and sometimes they leak into each other. Sure, you don’t exist in MY world, but you do exist here. If we’re being technical, most of my dad’s friends technically don’t exist where I’m from, my mother included.”

“Really?”

“Hell, I technically went to school in a whole dimension that isn’t supposed to exist.”

“Well, I guess that makes me feel a little better.” He laughed and shook his head, smiling softly. “It must be weird to...meet the villain from your favorite childhood thing.”

“You’re not the villain.” You told him with an amused chuckle.

He looked genuinely surprised. “I’m...I’m not?”

“Not even close.”

Iroh smiled to himself, going to the other room to get some sleep while you talked with his nephew.

“So...If I’m not the villain, then who is?”

“Your dad.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” He nodded. “So I’m, what, I’m some minor villain then?”

“In season one you were. Kind of. Although that’s arguable, even.” You shook your head, taking in his face in the quiet. There were crickets chirping outside. “I mean, sure, you’ve done some questionable things, but...honestly, you have one of the best redemption arcs in history.”

“Redemption arc?” He laughed. “Me? Really? Me?”

“Really. You’re a fan favorite.”

“People like me?”

“People more than ‘like’ you.” Your cheeks flushed, thinking about it. That you were sitting on the floor next to the love of your seven-year-old life.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Goodnight, Zuko.” You got up and walked to the bedroom, settling into the bedroll Iroh had set up for you.

“Night…” He watched you go, a surprised smirk settling onto his handsome features. Maybe he’d have to investigate that some more…

***

The next morning, Zuko decided to make breakfast for you and Iroh, which judging from the slight burning smell coming from the pan, you learned was not a usual thing.

“I’m really sorry. I tried.”

“Thank you, Zuko.” You laughed, eating it anyway. It wasn’t great, but it was edible, and that was really all that mattered. “It’s actually pretty alright.”

“Thanks. Just, uh, trying to get that redemption arc on a roll.”

“What’s this about a redemption arc?” Iroh asked, amused, as he drank his tea.

“Nothing, Uncle. After breakfast, I’m taking (Y/N) to the marketplace.”

And so, he did. The prince of the Fire Nation led you through the rows of stalls, and you diligently searched for any merchant that might have a little box full of gears and metal bits. Zuko watched you as you went, an unsure expression on his face. How was it that this stranger had wandered into his life and changed so much? Good, changes, sure, but changes no less.

Your face lit up as you approached the stall of an inventor. Among his wares, there was a  box filled with itty bitty gears and pieces, exactly what you were looking for.

“Sir, how much for the...box of gears?” Zuko asked, his hand on your shoulder, essentially claiming you in front of the locals.

“Oh, those? Couldn’t find a use for them, I’m afraid. My eyesight went years ago, so I don’t have the patience to deal with such small parts. If they make the girl happy, then take them. They’ll do you more good than they ever have me.”

“Thank you so much, sir. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course.” The kind old man handed you the box and winked at Zuko. “She’s a keeper, that one. You’ve got yourself an inventor on your hands, boy. Be careful not to lose her.”

“Believe me, sir, I will.” He smiled and the two of you turned, faces flushed, as you walked back home. “Thank you. For playing along.” He said once the market was far enough away.

“Gotta blend in somehow.” You nodded. Of course. Of course that was what had happened. The two of you were just blending in. The love of your childhood life had certainly not just claimed you as his sweetheart in front of an entire market full of people.

When you got back to the house, Iroh was reading, his cup steaming with a fresh cup of tea. You moved your watch to the table and set the box of gears down. In your backpack, you had a pair of tweezers and some goggles, so you put them on and set to work, carefully pulling out the broken pieces and searching the box for suitable replacements.

Zuko watched as you worked, amazed that someone could know how to manipulate such tiny pieces. “How did you...learn how to do that?”

“Many years of practice. My dad is kind of the best inventor ever. He taught me everything I know.”

“Mmm…” Zuko nodded. He wondered what it was like to have a loving relationship with your father. After all, he’d never really gotten that. His mother had been one of the kindest people he knew, but once she’d exited his life, he was left with Ozai, and...well, the rest was history.

“Speaking of parents...there’s a moon in this dimension, right?” You asked. “That’s a dumb question, of course there’s a moon here.”

“There is. Why?” Iroh asked.

“Well, I have to contact my mom. You know, tell her I’m alright. She was worried about this whole dimension hopping thing.”

“Ah, I see.” Iroh nodded. “Well, I’m sure we can help you if you need it.”

“Thank you. Seriously, thank you both. You’ve done so much for me.”

“Well, showing you some basic kindness is the least we can do. I can’t imagine what would have happened to you if someone else had found you.” Iroh lamented on it, humming to himself.

“Me either.”

You tinkered away for a few more minutes before finally finishing. “I think I did it.” You sat up straighter, wrapping the watch around your wrist and looking it over.

“You’re done?” Zuko asked, watching as you stood and started to gather your things. “That was...quick.” You pretended not to notice the disappointment on his face.

“Yeah, I don’t think it was as broken as I thought it was. Well...here goes. Thank you for everything. I’ll come visit if I can.”

“You’re welcome here any time.” Iroh promised.

You let your eyes linger on each of them for a second longer before adjusting the settings and pressing the button on the watch. For a few moments, it whirred the way it was supposed to. And then...everything went wrong. The metal started to get hot. Really hot. The device groaned, pieces grinding against each other. You ripped it off of your wrist and threw it out the window, just in time too, because only a moment later, you heard a loud BOOM and then a cry of “MY CABBAGES!”

“Maybe my...calculations were off.”

“Maybe.” Zuko nodded, looking out the window and then back at you. There was some little piece in him that couldn’t help but be glad you weren’t leaving just yet…

***

When dark fell, Zuko took you beyond the city walls. It was a clear night. The stars reflected off of the little pond, and inside the crystal waters was the image of the crescent moon. You walked over and knelt beside it, reaching out to skim your fingertips along the surface, letting the waters ripple out from you.

When the image cleared again, your reflection was replaced with your mother’s. She looked at you with concern.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?”

“I’m fine, mom. I just thought I’d check in, let you know where I landed. I’m in the Avatar universe. My watch broke on impact.”

“BROKE?!”

You winced at her outburst of panic. “It’s fine, though. Dad said I’d have to learn how to fix it, so why not now?”

She wasn’t listening to you, though. “That’s it, I’m sending your father to pick you up right now—”

“Mom, you don’t even have to. Seriously, it’s fine. Don’t send Dad. I need to figure this out on my own.”

She looked at you, tilting her head in that way that she did when she was deciding to be angry or proud of you. Eventually, she caved. “Fine. I’m not sending your father. But…you call me if you can’t figure it out and I’ll send him in a heartbeat. You don’t have to do everything alone, you know.”

You looked to Zuko, smiling softly when he looked at you with those sharp golden eyes. “Believe me, Mom. I’m not alone.”

You talked with her for a few more minutes before finally dismissing her aura and standing up again. Zuko stood up beside you, looking down at you, waiting for one of you to break the silence somehow.

“You’re taller than I expected you to be.” You told him.

He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s weird that…you know, you knew who I was before. Maybe not weird, just…you know.”

“No, it’s definitely weird. I used to watch your cartoon every single day before school. They used to play reruns in the mornings while I was eating breakfast. My parents had to basically drag me away so I could actually catch the bus.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah.” You nodded, and the two of you began the long walk back to the safety of the city walls. But not before running into a bit of trouble first.

“What have we got here? The fire prince and his little damsel in distress? I wonder how much we could get for the two of you…” A group of bandits had formed around the two of you. You looked up at Zuko, his eyes blown wide with panic before melting into the confidence he so often had. Flames tickled his palms before igniting in his hands.

You didn’t have any weapons, no watch, no swords of any kind. You were lucky, though, that the two of you were standing back to back beneath the branches of a great tree. You reached a hand up and the tree seemed to kneel under your control, one of the limbs dipping down, down, down until the wood was gripped tight in your hand. The end of the thin branch snapped off, leaves flying off as the new staff formed, twisting and bending to your will.

“What kind of bending is THAT?” One of the bandits’ very panicked voice asked.

“Oh, I’m not a bender.” You replied, fingers tightening around your staff while the tree stood itself upright again. “But you’re going to wish I was.”

And then the battle broke out. Zuko’s flames blazed any of the bandits that dared to get close to him, punching fireballs at anyone who got too close to you. Meanwhile, you were using your staff, which was nowhere near as powerful as the one you had at home, to send the bandits back with waves of sheer power. Needless to say, they hadn’t ever seen anything quite like the two of you.

A few minutes later, all that was left was a scorched field, a panting fire bender, a tired witch, and a trail of bandits making a run for the woods.

“Where did you learn to fight like that?!” Zuko turned to you excitedly.

You rested your staff against the ground and looked up at him. “My mom.”

“Figures.” He chuckled. “You’re good. And you’ll have to be if you’re going to stay with us until we get your bracelet fixed. Uncle Iroh and I…”

“I know. You’re in a bit of trouble. Maybe you need someone like me looking out for you, huh?”

“Yeah, just maybe…”

***

It didn’t take long for you to fall into a rhythm. In the mornings, Iroh would make tea while you helped teach Zuko how to cook breakfast. After that, Zuko ran the store they were using as a front with his uncle and you helped tidy up a bit. It was only at night that you tinkered with your watch some more. Well, that, or Zuko would take you out to the field to practice fighting. After all, you had a staff to break in.

Fight practice led you to be caught in some precarious positions. Only a few nights ago, you’d wound up pinned beneath him, his breath warm across your cheeks, his shaggy bangs hanging in your face. Something in you lurched, your heart doing a backflip. Never had you imagined, despite your unusual childhood, that you’d ever end up there, your wrists pinned down by rough, warm hands, breaths shallow, lips aching for his. But neither of you acted on it.

Your magic was getting stronger by the day as you became less dependent on your primary staff and learned how to use this new one. Every time you cast a spell, Zuko noticed, the amulet around your neck would glow, as would your eyes. You would meditate on sunny afternoons, and when you did, your form would hover a few feet above the ground. It was mesmerizing to watch, and he often did, only caught by you a few times, causing him to leave the room red-faced, babbling some excuse about going to find his uncle.

Zuko wasn’t sure what it was about you, but he trusted you. He supposed he had to, since you were living in their house after all. Given that he and his uncle were wanted fugitives, trust was a thing they had to be careful with. Yet, the longer you stayed, the less he wanted you to leave…and the less YOU wanted to leave.

In all of your days there, you had yet to see Aang or Katara of Sokka or any other members of the main cast. Just Zuko and Iroh. Not that you were complaining. The fire prince and his uncle were more than fine with you and they had been nothing if not welcoming.

It had been a few weeks since you’d woken up in this place. You were sitting by the window, looking out at the starry sky. Zuko walked in so quietly you didn’t hear him and he sat down beside you, watching the way your features flickered in the light of the lantern.

“Would it be awful…if I said I didn’t want you to leave?” Zuko asked quietly, his voice soft and his expression softer.

“I’d love to stay, Zuko, but…you have a destiny. One that doesn’t involve me, I’m afraid.”

“Mmm.” He nodded. “Right. You know everything that happens, then.”

“Just about.”

“And this…your visit?”

“Not part of the plan.”

“But a pleasant addition.” He amended, reaching out to rest his hand on top of yours. He was so warm, endlessly warm, a result of the flames raging inside him. How someone so broken could be so soft, you weren’t sure, but he was. You were certain you’d never met anyone with a kinder soul. “I could just…go with you.”

“They wouldn’t win the war without you.” You whispered, shaking your head. You looked away from him and instead locked your eyes on the sky. “They need you, Zuko. Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph…they all need you.”

“Please don’t leave me.” He pleaded. “Please…”

“Zuko, what am I supposed to do? If I stay here, I’m putting you in danger. I’m putting your whole WORLD in danger! You’re so important to this place. So, so important…”

“So are you!”

“No I’m not!”

“You’re important to me!” Zuko shouted. It was the first time you’d heard him raise his voice the whole time you’d been there. Sure, he’d had little spats with his uncle here and there, but never like this. There were flames flickering in the golden irises you’d come to love. His expression softened when he saw how tense you were. He reached out with a gentle hand and stroked your cheek. “You’re important to me…”

“I can’t be. I’m not supposed to be. I’m not even supposed to exist…”

“But you do. You’re here and so am I. Why can’t you just—”

“You’re supposed to end up with Mai.” You interrupted. He went quiet for a moment. You could have cut the tension with a knife. “She’s your endgame. Not me. You’re going to end up with her and forget all about me.”

“I don’t want Mai anymore.”

“What do you mean you don’t—”

“I want YOU.” Zuko leaned closer. “I don’t want Mai. I want you. Don’t you feel the same?”

“It’s not about my feelings, Zuko, it’s about your future.” You fought the tears that were welling in your eyes, blurring his face.

He was quiet for a long time, thinking. “You can leave this place. You can go home. But once we win the war, I’m going to come find you. I don’t care what it takes.”

***

You could only stall on your watch for so long without letting it be noticeable, but you knew the longer you stayed, the more it would hurt when you finally left. So, after a few tests and the aid of your growing magic, you decided you were finally ready to go back.

“You know you’re welcome here any time. We could use a witch around the house.” Iroh told you, pulling you into a tight hug.

“I know I’ll see you again. I’ll be sure to come visit sometime.”

“You better. I’ll miss you if you don’t.”

Zuko stood there quietly for a moment, waiting for his moment with you. Once Iroh had said goodbye, he left the two of you alone, and it was silent for a little while. Then, Zuko took a step closer, hesitating before reaching out to take your hand. Zuko let out a long sigh.

“You…don’t have to leave, you know. You could stay a little longer.”

“If I stay any longer, it’s just going to hurt both of us more.”

“Yeah…” He was quiet, tilting your chin up so you were looking at him, into those fierce golden eyes one last time. Zuko let his eyes drift shut as he closed the distance between you, his lips pressing against yours for the first and last time. Then, he murmured softly. “I’m going to find you after the war. I don’t know how or where, but I will. I promise.”

“I hope you do.” You whispered back, tears welling in your eyes as you kissed him one more time. And then another. And then one last kiss for the road, and then before you knew it, you were activating your watch. There was a flash of light and then you were standing in your backyard, knees trembling until you fell to the ground, finally letting your tears flow as you realized that he was gone. You’d never see Zuko again.

***

It was quiet in the house without you. Dark. Empty. Zuko missed you. He missed your glowing eyes, your fierce energy, the sight of you floating in the sunlight streaming through the window. This place was so different now. He thought he’d be ready for it, but he wasn’t. He never could have been.

“You miss her.” Iroh noted, watering one of his plants. Zuko only nodded. “So do I.”

It was then that there was a bright flash of light. The same kind that had happened when you’d left him. Zuko sat upright, preparing himself for whatever or whoever was standing there, but to his disappointment, it wasn’t you. However, the stranger standing there did resemble you a bit.

“Are you Zuko?” The man asked, looking over the fire prince. Scar, check. Shaggy dark hair, check. Forlorn look in his fiery eyes, check. This had to be the outcast prince you were so heartbroken over.

“Y-yes, sir. Who are you?”

“I’m (Y/N)’s dad.” He offered the teenager his hand, and he shook it, unsure. “She doesn’t know I’m here, before you ask, and no, I’m not here to take you to her.”

“Oh.” Zuko deflated slightly, listening for what else the dimension-hopper had to say.

“I came to give you this.” He pressed a small metal token into Zuko’s palm. “After the war, use this, and it will take you to her. You’ll know what to do.”

“But how do I—” Before Zuko could finish his question, the inventor was gone as fast as he’d come, leaving him standing there wide-eyed, gripping the disc tightly in his hand. He couldn’t lose this. It was his only chance.

***

For the summer solstice, as you had every year since you were young, you helped your mother prepare the back yard, put up tables, string up streamers, tape balloons into place. You helped her cook food and make punch and make sure everything was just right for when all of her witch friends came over to celebrate.

You were wearing your nicest summer gown. It was yellow, knee-length, and the fabric was covered in butterflies, a crown of enchanted flowers sitting in the curls of your hair. Everything was perfect. Well, everything except for one thing. You’d gotten home from the Avatar dimension about a month ago, and still, you were stuck in a post-Zuko gloom. You didn’t think it was possible to miss someone so much.

You weren’t sure why it was, exactly, that the fire prince had captured your heart. You hadn’t stayed with Zuko and his uncle for all that long. You had only kissed the one time before you left. And yet, you couldn’t help running through all of the memories: that day in the market, your first fight side by side, practicing combat with him in the field outside the city once the sun had gone down, and it was just you, the prince, and the stars. You thought of every meal you shared, every stolen glance, every flicker in the golden amber of his eyes.

There had been a time, once, when Zuko had gotten a cut on his face. Some squabble with some man in the market had resulted in the prince being on the receiving end of a knife. He’d come to you, a little blood dripping from the wound, claiming it to be nothing. The cut had been just above the top of his scar, something you knew he was sensitive about.

“Can I?” You’d asked gently, and he’d nodded, leading your hands up to the spot. Your fingers brushed against his reddened skin as you used your magic to heal him, reducing the bleeding gash to nothing more than a faint white scar.

That was the first time the two of you had been that physically close before, face to face, his lips only a step away. The next was the sparring match near the woods that had led to him pinning you down in the grass. Your heart raced, remembering how it felt to have him. And God, it still hurt.

Liking Zuko had been so much simpler when you were seven and he was a cartoon.

“It gets easier.” Your mother whispered, embracing you from behind. She kissed your cheek tenderly before letting go of you. “I know it hurts now, but it will get easier. You have a universe of possibilities at your fingertips. There’s no need to get tangled up in one boy.”

And you knew she was right. What you were, both halves of what you were, gave you quite the variety of opportunities. But it still hurt.

One flick of her wrist sent the gate at the front of the yard flying open, and minutes later, your mother’s witchiest friends started filing in, mingling with each other under the sun’s bright light. Your father was bouncing around, too, chit-chatting. Some of his friends from other dimensions had shown up, as had some of your school friends, who were dying to hear about your experiences dimension-hopping.

“So uh, have you ever…you remember that cartoon Avatar?”

“The one with the blue people?” One of your friends, Jacob, asked.

You laughed and shook your head as your friend Amber corrected him. “Avatar with the blue people wasn’t a cartoon. She means the one with the four elements and the little bald kid with the arrow on his forehead.”

“Yeah, that one.”

“What about it?” Jay asked, watching your expression. Usually when one of you brought up a childhood show, it was met with waves of nostalgia, not…whatever look you had on your face. “Oh my God, is that where you went?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but yeah.”

“Oh my God, is Sokka as handsome as I remember him being?” Amber gasped.

“Wait, wait, wait, you had a crush on SOKKA? Not Mr. Fine-Ass Firebending Prince of my Heart?” Jade held her heart like she’d just been shot. “Zuko is so hot. No pun intended.”

“And that look has to be for something…” Jacob studied your face when the topic had changed.

“No way, you met Zuko?” Amber’s expression softened.

“I…yeah, you could say that.” Before anyone could ask anything else, you grabbed Jade’s hand and dashed over to the dancefloor, pushing all of the thoughts out of your head and instead giving into the beat of the music. Time didn’t exist anymore, which was evident by just how fast the sun seemed to set, igniting the sky with orange.

Eventually, you wandered to the edge of the dancefloor, where Amber and Jade were. You could tell they were curious, and you couldn’t hide from the questions forever, so in the reds and pinks of the setting sun and the flickering lights of the candles on the tables, you decided to surrender to their inquiries.

“So…what exactly happened between you? You don’t have to answer—”

“I kissed him.”

“You AAAAAAH! Oh my God! Tell us everything!!!” Amber squealed.

“You kissed Zuko.” Jade stated, dumbstruck. “You Kissed him. With your lips.”

“Yeah.” You giggled, shrugging. “I kissed a prince.”

“You kissed a prince.”

“So…are you going to bippity boppity boo yourself back to him?”

“I can’t.” You shook your head. “When I got to him, he and his uncle were still pretending to be refugees. The war hadn’t ended yet, and by the time it does, he’ll probably be in love with Mai. I’m…I’m never going to see him again…”

“Now, why would you say that?”

Your eyes widened, and you traced Jade and Amber’s gazes to a spot behind you. Your racing heart had prevented you from noticing the bright flash of light.

“Holy shit…” Jade murmured, covering her mouth. You were almost too afraid to look.

“Zuko…” You whispered, voice catching in your throat. You felt a large, warm hand on your shoulder. As much as you wanted to turn around to look at him, you couldn’t move. You were paralyzed, frozen by the fear that if you looked, he wouldn’t be there.

Footsteps trailed through the grass, walking around you until he was standing in front of you, as real as you remembered him. His hair was a bit longer now, shaggier, almost hiding his gorgeous amber eyes from you. But his smile was still there, as rare and precious as his smiles tended to be.

His voice was soft and gentle, as gentle as the large hand that rose to stroke your cheek. “We won the war, princess. I told you I’d come find you.”

Instead of replying, you launched yourself into his arms, causing him to let out a soft ‘oof’, his strong arms fastening tight around you. “H-how are you here? H-how did y-you--?”

“Aww, don’t cry,” he cooed, stroking your hair as he teased, “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”

“I missed you s-so much…” You cried, shaking as he held you like you were the only thing in all of the worlds that mattered. “I t-think I love you, Zuko.”

“I know you do.” He chuckled. “I love you, too. Took us long enough to say it, huh?”

You pulled your face out of the crook of his neck and stroked his cheek, turning his face towards yours. He smiled softly before leaning closer and closing the distance between you. The crowd of people in your backyard cheered when they saw you and the prince of the Fire Nation locked into an embrace.

“Oh my god, she’s dating Zuko.” Jade whispered to Amber. After only seeing the prince in cartoon form, it was strange to see him here, living and breathing, and as real as you were.

“She’s done what every cartoon-loving little girl has ever wanted to.” Amber agreed.

“I can’t believe you’re here…” You whispered, brushing the bangs out of his face. His hair was a bit longer than when you’d last seen him. You wondered how much time had passed since you left.

“But that’s a good thing, right?”

“A really, really good thing.” You nodded, stroking his cheek as you studied his features, his arms still tight around your waist.

“Good. Because I don’t plan on leaving you any time soon.”

You pecked his lips. “Good.”

Tagged: @rikersgirl22

[bigruntheory]

            “To everything I’ve ever lost, thank you for setting me free.” 

This event happened in Tony William's backyard, Mount Victoria, NSW. Fri 27- Sun 29 November 2020.

This report will swing from serious to joking, but will at all times be genuine with the best intentions; you will just have to try your best to navigate the subtle or dramatic changes for yourself,  bearing that in mind. 

This report is a true (made up on the spot then heavily edited) account of events I experienced within the beating heart of endurance running, the true spiritual home of ultra, the best concept to emerge in running since putting one foot in front of the other:  A Last One Standing Endurance Race. (LOSER)

The Blue Goat Backyard LOSER is a little shorter than the official distance of 6.7 something kms, at just 5.23km a lap, but what it falls short of in distance, it more than makes up for in rugged, uneven, highly technical terrain-  which pretty much makes it Australia’s toughest LOS event. 

Whatever its comparable status, agreed or not, or however you approach it personally, it’s definitely an authentically challenging, scenic course, held within a supportive, fun, party atmosphere: 

 The buzz at the Blue Goat & Fatboy Slim’s Big Beach Boutique II - 

         equally awesome & hazy in my mind- and I was at both. 

These LOS events will work for anyone who enjoys to run.  The Blue Goat Backyard will work for anyone who enjoys to run challenging trails.  And if you don’t like running or trails or a challenge, then they will suit anyone who likes to party while other people do.  So they’re great events for everyone. 

The LOS format will especially suit you if you are on a path to self-discovery, self-transcendence or to just see how far you can personally go and run for, in one go.  You might be surprised to find that in just turning up to have a go, you discover new things about running, runners & yourself.  

 LOS event vibes & hubs will differ somewhat in style, and you can expect them to be as diverse and unique as their hosts-  they should all provide a brilliant gateway for some amazing personal journeys in running & in life.  This one delivered. 

The LOS format, and specifically the way that AAA racing & BMF organise events, means ANYONE of any ability, can come and enjoy the experience of their running lifetime, seeing how far they can go, or set a target of laps or distance and create a PB in a unique, supportive, safe and fun setting.  

When I say party and fun, I mean it. They had the most amazing Britpop and other timeless classics (Creedence/Stones/Beatle’s) blasting out the speaker all day and night; there was also a Robbie Williams song in there.....

Training and attitude will only take you so far- a lairy shirt must do the rest. 

In spite of the bushfires & the pandemic, this event still happened, as seen & predicted by me, which in part is why I felt so deeply that I had to be there. You can’t escape your destiny, really, so you had better make it double awesome when it arrives. 

After last years event ,which slipped under my radar for some reason, Tony’s backyard pretty much got burned to the ground in bushfires which massively damaged the whole Blue Mountains & Hawkesbury areas. There were also floods, which actually helped stop some of the fires but which bought their own destruction. This all happened during the end of 2019 and early 2020, after which everything went tits up, particularly for gyms, trainers & organised racing- due to the reaction to the COVID 19 bullshit pandemic.

                Fun on one of the Blue Goat Bees, earlier in the year.  

Getting involved behind the scene for this years event was great fun.  Seeing it transform gradually until the race day was awesome, it went from burnt sticks, charcoal and indistinguishable trails to looking like a nature trail again by race day.  It still has a way to go, but it’ll get there; it’s still a beautiful course which i parts feels like you are in the Grand Canyon at Blackheath, or the Grose valley, which are only just down the road.  

If I’m correct, I don’t think anyone really thought this event was gonna be on, due to the COVID, but I had no doubt at all… . I knew I had to be there helping out and I knew I had to be there on that starting line and knew I was definitely going there to be the last one standing.  This is not to say that it was time to put my feet up and just waltz in there like it was easy and in the bag - far from it.   I trained hard. Really hard. 

So call me mystic Steve if you like, but months prior to the event I bought a ticket and started manifesting, which is a pretty simple & powerful practice, not to be underestimated at all….it’s very much like goal setting to be honest, except there is a spiritual dimension and much that you can’t explain or prove scientifically.  It works very well with the art of training your body mind & spirit for tough challenges and healing, too, which really go hand in hand. You basically write your story then walk into it. 

                                                                             Law of attraction/ manifestation. 

This write up will cover some matters of running & strategy but mostly matters of the mind, heart & spirit. I present this to the world in genuine gratitude for the experience and I hope that it inspires others to be on that starting corral of an LOS event, wherever that may be, whatever your age, ability or experience.  

                                        How does it all work, this LOS?

Every hour on the hour, you have to be ready in the starting corral to go and run your lap, then back in time to do whatever you need to do-put your feet up, go to the loo, refuel or maybe have a banana & dance like no one is watching you- or in my case, like you are Bez from the Happy Mondays - whatever you do, however you roll, you have to be back in the staring corral to go do just one more lap, again.  It’s really as simple as that. One loop, one hour, make of it what you will and what you can; bring out your soul & enjoy!

  Should you do just one lap, you might find yourself in the position of saying, well why not see if I can do just one more? And so it goes…

These events are happening now, they are quite new & fresh and trust me, they will stand the test of time, because as I keep saying, there’s nothing conceptually better than the Last One Standing Format - it really is the Rock n Roll of endurance running & every event that happens has been a living testimony to that in one way or another.  

Even during a global pandemic, nothing could hold the LOS back; in fact it just got stronger & rose to another level.   While other events we imploding, postponing, being moved virtually and seeing reductions in numbers and interest, the annual Big Dog’s Backyard Ultra, usually in Tennessee,  went ahead, on a satellite basis, across the world, live on the internet, and made history with record breaking performances & a once in a lifetime twist to the team dynamic; a twist so good, and a global audience buzz so great, that even the satellite event format will definitely go forward in some form or other into 2021 and beyond…..so many benefits to keeping things local and compet8ing more widely.....

      The Australian Team sporting their AURA gear ready to take on the world.

Each country put a team together, which lifted the LOS format into another dimension. Instead of competing against your own team mates & globally in Tennessee, each country had their own teams on their own loops, competing against other teams. So in effect, this bought teams together and made the connection between the assist & the Last One Standing less of a battle of breaking the other down and more of a battle of building the other up, supporting them and remaining strong for the team.  How good is that to see in  competitive endurance running!?

                  Clint Eastwood, still cool after all these years.

I fell in love with the LOS format when I watched the Clint Eastwood Last One Standing, hosted by AAA Racing in Oxley Park Queensland and it was great to watch many of the same familiar faces, with the same party atmosphere, running together and taking on the world at the World Champs.  Massive, genuine kudos to the whole team from the Clint Eastwood  & The Big Dog satellite event, all runners and behind the scenes – and Sam Penny needs special mention for the GoPro awesomeness, without which I may never have had that fly on the wall buzz of being at the event.

So, runners of all ages and abilities, whatever your goal, this is your opportunity to get up and at it & be part of something life-changing, challenging & massively fun, one short lap at a time.

Don’t go thinking you have to be superman, genetically gifted or even an ultrarunner or even a ‘runner’ Basically just ditch any thought or label that creates doubt or fear or holds you back and simply get up and go for it. You just need to be willing to turn up and have a go & enjoy the experience.

        “Anyone can do anything”  Tony Williams, Blue Mountains Fitness.

So, there was this running race my running mates told me about & I can’t remember when I made the decision to be there but it was also around the time a running mate was talking about helping out building trails and tracks and I know this must sound vague and I’m probably getting my wires crossed but I somehow put these two ideas together & they gave birth to the idea that I needed to be at the Blue Goat Backyard. And that’s how it all began….

Thanks to Tony & Alun – the whole BMF & AAA Racing collective , Fabiano & Sean for being on hand to help and support and look after us through the night and day and Keith for the awesome photos- popping up all over the course to catch candid snaps- all the sponsors, too. T8 for the awesome shorts and underpants, Papadino’s for the Pizzas & the prize voucher even made peace with Tailwind and had a recoverite after the event.

Thanks to all the people I met and worked with on the several bees & for all the care, imagination & spirit that put energy into making this happen- the whole event- not just the LOS; all the work that goes into delivering a vision into reality, planting the seed & helping it grow.  

                            Hawkesbury Trail Runners

Massive shout out to the Hawkesbury Trail Runners!  So glad you all came to support the event you fell in love with last year before a period of tragedy hit the area and awesome to see you at the event (well, sort of -in the heat of the moment and the day, socialising was very short lived due to needing to cool down, fuel up and get back out;  and after the event, I puked up & conked out!) Managed to wave and mumble to a few of you and had a chat with regular run buddies Mike & Vicki.

You all did so well, especially in that fierce heat and I’m  quite fond of the memories of just blurting random stuff out in the zone- the Britpop running the event of your lifetime zone….

Congrats to Jackie and Claudio in their runs, had a brief chat with Jackie in the fierce heat....also to Matt & Jen from Plus Fitness running the marathon and half respectively on a tough course in tough conditions.

All any of us really need to do is turn up and make the most of it, and that’s exactly what everyone did; and that’s how a great event works, really, so let’s all do it again next year!  Mystic Steve predict big things happening in the Blue Goat Backyard for 2021…..!

Whilst I was busy running and didn’t get to join in the party for too long & during the later phases and the high heat was stumbling around like a bull in a china shop, it was huge fun singing, dancing &, running all night and day. The energy I drew from Britpop was out of this world!  I’ve never sung & danced at an Ultra or race before to my knowledge. It just got better with every lap!  

Massive thanks for all the runners I had a chitchat with and shared a song joke or story with, however mish mash it all was, it was great fun all night and day - and apologies for the audible fart and swearing- it was quite challenging keeping this under the radar at times.  

 Everyone who stepped up to that course was a winner whatever the goal, distance or outcome. Sorry if I missed you on the day, or if I didn't miss you but wasn't making much sense in the delirium of hot endurance. Here’s some awesome photos:

Rob heads up to the Corral.

It is said, when you blow this horn, Beer & Pizza arrives

The drone, sounds like a swarm of bees.

In all the excitement I forgot to get a t shirt. 

   Got some awesome car stickers though and part of a Goat’s skull. 

When I’m in the zone I often adopt a different persona and mindset-  I’m not the same often reserved introvert as when you see me under normal conditions; I guess the animated extroversion gets magnified , as you’d expect from anyone giving the performance of their life up on stage.  

There are moments of surrender, where I’m in total alignment with higher self, emitting my frequency with a genuine smile & peace into the world and that is where the practice creates the art.....

    Endurance running is all about finding your inner peace, well, sort of....

        I think Alun’s singing Tom Jones here- I’ve zoned out to Oasis classics

I missed the presentation- seems to be a trend of mine (happened after the Hounslow Double when, after accidentally busting in on the elite presentation, did I mention bull in china shop already? I went and nodded off in the car!) That was the inaugural year when Tony took out the first place in the Double by a long, long way.

After it was all over, I puked up then momentarily imploded and had a lie down.

                         Deep relaxation is really good for you.  

The medics gave me ice packs and aimed a big fan on me (was really nice to have a fan at one of my races, actually, i could get used to that) They took good care of me, so thank you for the care and the cups of tea and water I recall there were two of you and you were lovely.  I had a power snooze for a couple of minutes, which I think actually lasted a couple of hours, and I cooled down, which brought me back to life.

Before this, I fondly recall running up to the corral giving the goats a wave the final time and being greeted by everyone going wild.

                                                   Hello gorgeous.

I blurted out a speech, that I know would've made total sense to everyone if it actually left my lips the way it was written by my heart- the former not sure, the latter no doubts.  Basically gratitude, peace & love, keep going, never give up and things will get better- as in running so in life. ❤️

In spite of it being the hottest day of the year so far and genuinely a tough course we had a lot of laughs and fun moments in the middle of it all. Some of it is a Blur but most of it was Oasis and also notable tunes also from the Stone Roses, Muse, Radiohead, Prodigy, Rolling Stones, The Verve, Doves, Manics, REM and many many more

             Music is medicine & I’m so grateful to my musical brothers & sisters.

There were several different events happening at the same time during the heat and middle of the day and it became a little confusing at times with all the different energies going off around the hub, but once back into the peace & calm of focussing on the running every hour, everything made sense and came together. The music fired me up like a second wind every lap, I thought I was dreaming at one point, like I could not have scripted the day better if I’d have sat there and made up my own story about a perfect day out running around with Britpop classics in the background, because that’s exactly what it was like!  

Again, never underestimate the power of manifestation, positive thinking and the art of raising your vibration so that you attract good, positive people & experiences into your life.

I can’t wait to go to Queensland now and join in for an all weekend running party at the Clint Eastwood. I can see myself dancing and singing my way round that course al day and night and day and.....well, if they’ll let me in!

                           Correct, you also swear and sing a fair bit as well.

I’ve said it before I’ll keep saying it and you heard it from me first: There is nothing conceptually better in running than a Last One Standing Endurance Race. It’s the Rock n Roll of endurance running.  It’s raw, simple, pure & true and it happens in the now. It provides a stage for you to give the greatest performance of your life-  every present moment-  every hour, on the hour & all the minutes in between. It really gives you the opportunity to be loud & proud and really turn up, (not just to be fully in the present moment) your training and turn up your performance to the next level.

                                         Turn up, turn it up & BE LOUD!   

As in running so in life; God calls upon you to bring all that you are to the starting corral and step up into the very highest version of yourself. All your experiences, the culmination of physical mental & spiritual training, as you step into space, out past the music (of Britpop!) into the blinding lights, then the darkness & then the many winding turns that lead us to who knows where, because there is no finish, is no end….. the end is just the beginning, of another loop, another lap- another chance to shine.

                            Competitive mindset bypass. There is no finish, there is no competition, there is no advantage to being the fastest runner, no disadvantage to being the slowest. Anyone who can complete a lap in time to be back ready to go out on another, has an equal chance at being the last one standing to complete that beautiful, identical repetition of what we all love: simply running in nature; one foot in front of the other, moving forward, fully grounded in the present moment; putting the practice of our meditative flow state into effect as best we can.  

The reality of endurance trail running is that it is a tough struggle and your achievements are hard earned.   Such is anything worth doing.  And I’m sure anyone who heard me stumbling, swearing singing & shouting through the dark and the day, will  attest that I am not the exactly an oasis of calm- I’m probably more like Oasis the band.

As many of you may already realise or guess from reading this, I don’t take the competitive, type a personality,  or egoic side of running at all seriously.  I do genuinely regard running as part of a spiritual practice. It can at times be done purely as a spiritual practice, like meditation or Yoga or making music. Running can bring us together, individually and collectively. 

Not every time that  run do I run spiritually, just as not every time I sit down do I meditate or every time I pick up my guitar do I make medicine music; sometimes I just make a noise or just sit or just go and run and zone out to music, However, there is a great light to be found  when you just get out into nature and breathe and move gracefully, gratefully and in complete alignment with the flow of the universe and everything in it. 

The Bluegoat track, like a spiritual path, is rocky, uneven, twisting & turning, it requires total concentration & surrender to the process; still you may trip, slip, maybe fall; there will be blood, sweat  & tears….you need to climb & descend, there are milestones, you meet others at different stages in their journeys and there is no finish in sight; there are surprises, tests and you find yourself back at the beginning with each cycle….

There are tears and laughter and moments you don’t even comprehend at the time. It can be dark and ugly and chew you up and spit you out many times, all day long in fact....until you surrender to the process and let go.....Then you may see, there are obstacles and trials, but they are not in your way; the only thing standing in your way is you – and that’s really more of an illusion you created than a real living person, so you just get your unreal self out of the way and let your best self shine-  & shine it does…. 

You can tell this is lap 1 - my legs are the still the same colour as my shirt.

All you need to succeed, at whatever you turn your mind to, is a single-minded determinism- pure focus & intention of putting one foot in front of the other and deciding not to stop until you have succeeded.  May you spirit drive your machine wherever you may roam, knowing within you , is where you are home,.

So now we know the power of manifestation and endurance and the value of community &  service to others, the plan must be created to use apply energy skills to seed & grow something of genuine, lasting value in this world.  So that’s what’s gonna happen….it’s out there in the Universe, God is my witness, momentum is building,  so watch this space….like, not literally here this is just a web page. 

Whilst I train & participate in events during all conditions, phases & biorhythms, I do love a full moon.   Clear full moon nights are magical & highly energetic; Blue Moon rising at the Blue Goat was perfectly poetic!

I'm not knocking a new moon, by polar contrast, or any other phase, but the energy was just right and I guess I was feeling lucky.

Let’s talk about feeling ‘lucky’ as I’ve already stated my predictions and what I positively manifested with my energies & intentions form the moment I made the instant decision to be at this race.  

I basically created my own luck through being completely honest with myself whether this was something I could achieve.

Did I have what it takes to run at an LOS event? Of course, I did, no doubts at all. Why? Not arrogance or confidence, but the format itself.  You can’t really lose in an LOS unless you are the last one standing!  So going to win is going lose, and losing is glorious in all its forms.   There is no shame in the DNF (Did Not Finish) at all if you’ve given your all. The DNF in other events is nothing to strive for or celebrate, but the DNF in the LOSER is a test to see how far you can go….what could be more pure? And the only one who doesn’t get to fully reach their potential on the day; reach the peak of what they can do on that day, during their race time, is the Last One Standing.

I created my own luck by setting my intention and my energy to creating & following a training program that would enable me to achieve my goals.  I visualised being the last one standing for months and I trained like it was in the bag already, because that was what I felt deeply.

I knew it was my time & I had the God given ability to create my story & walk right into it.  I said many times during the event that it was just perfect and that I couldn’t have scripted it better myself.  I stepped into a higher version of myself that I’d created through some very tough training & some heartfelt actions; in another sense it felt like I was on stage performing.  

Apart from key milestones that marked out the path of consistent focus and intuitive training, as I regained fitness from hiatus, there were some very specific and tough challenges that I set myself in order to prepare for a race of this nature. A race that just goes & goes & goes interminably requires you to leave no stone unturned regards you physical body, your mental ability your nutrition plan & your spirit. Someone once said runners don’t’ run with their legs they run with their arms.  I believe runners. once the body is trained sufficiently, run with their minds- and the mind is fuelled by limitless energy & power of the spirit.  

So you go through every motion of training and preparing your physical body and you feed you mind and your spirit with positive thoughts and genuine love for self & for others. If you don’t see this kind of thing in training programs, then you soon will do just as soon as I can get my shit together…..

I’d watched the Clint Eastwood & I’d watched the Big Dog & I fell in love with the concept of the LOS. I fell in love with all the people in the front row. The runners slogging it out in the Clint Eastwood LOS & the Australian team at Bigs Backyard Ultra satellite event. I decided in a moment that I wanted to be part of it, so I made it happen; the moment I’d made my mind up, everything started falling into place and I was sent signs and opportunities that I had to take without a moments thought. I knew that everything surrounding this journey had to be  centered on other, something outside of, larger than self.

 An ex Army bloke from the UK RunGrahamRun was doing a mental health charity treadmill World Record helping blokes with mental health and suicide prevention.  The run was to complete 21  marathons in 7 days – on a treadmill! . He invited teams to rival of beat him in the challenge. So I supported this and set out to do just 7 marathons in 7 days.

This set me up very nicely for the next opportunity in my path, which was to support Mark Avery doing a 20 marathons in 20 days challenge for Gotch4Life and Run4MentalFitness- an Australian blokes charity helping with suicide prevention and setting up places for blokes to engage in ways that deal with the root of bloke issues.  Safe places to share stories, feelings and concerns without judgement. 

Instead of just marathons,  I actually did ultramarathons and also added in a lot of cycling. I know how to listen to my body and push it through adaptations with fasting, nutrition & specifically focussed rotations across all terrains and relevant speeds and intensities.  You are really just calibrating a complex God driven physical body through a series of experiences in order to achieve a specific goal. 

The goal in this instance was conceptually perfect in that it was technically interminable, ie. kind of eternal.  You simply had to train to go as far as you could go; so you had to see how close to the edge you could get to that point in the training, without breaking yourself.   

I genuinely pushed my limits and discovered more about running and endurance than all the hours my studying had taught me, and infinitely more than debating with ultra coaches online could ever have revealed. I trained and pushed harder and longer than ever before and also balanced that with more rest & recovery and fine tuning than ever before. I applied every technique I knew and discovered exactly what nutrition worked best in all situations. 

After all the training and the experience of others doubts, I thought it would be quite amusing to win one of the toughest ultra endurance challenges in Australia while singing and dancing & wearing a lairy pink shirt and cargo shorts I got from Big W, fuelled up with honey water, bananas and hemp and walnut oil .   I had a plan, a 50 hour plan. It consisted of 30 litres of honey water (1kg raw honey per 10l)  25 ripe bananas, 250ml x Hemp seed oil 250ml x Walnut oil, a few vitamin e capsules and  a few coq10 capsules. 

So let that be a cheeky lesson to all you very serious runners in your expensive compression gear, with your gadgets & gimmicks and fancy nutritional products & lord knows what else you use, slogging away to the beat of your watch, as I did before a great meltdown of over training and loss of genuine joy-  in running and in life.  In many ways the way I run today is a result of hard lessons and failures, or going too far too son, and burning out. I’ve been obsessed with a quicker this a quicker that, gotta beat the last time every time.....lets set an unrealistic goal....it slowly takes all the joy out of your passion like all addictions inevitably do. 

Let this light shine on those who talk the talk so readily in their little cliques and so called training groups, especially those who have personally attacked me and tried to shut me down or censor the story of my training and my experiences for reasons best known to their egos and projected issues. I forgive ya. 

 May the light of my achievements and those of my brothers & sisters- everyone walking the walk- everyone saying I can-  illuminate the dark attitudes of the ‘can’t’do this ‘can’t’ do that-  and the put downs and rationalising words of so called science, and disbelief in your training, thinking , fuelling, wider wellness strategies..... genuine experiences......May my brothers & sisters who are in doubt, or disliking, hating, fearing, not loving, put down the ego, and find a better way.  May my walk inspire others to walk the walk and to never say they can’t do something, or be held back by others as to what they think they can or can’t achieve.  And may I long take all my own best advice back to my own heart as well and never forget it.  

Everyone, today, just get outside  and get moving and enjoy what you are doing and be grateful that you can do what you can do; and you’ll find that you can do a lot more and a lot more and a lot more......  

             Genuine footage from an online Ultra running research conference.

 I know what it’s like to lose things, we all do, but there’s no use banging on about that old story; a great spiritual teacher recently told me that I had to put that down and never pick it up again.... and so it is.  So know this - an event that celebrates losing in all its glory is of divine significance when you are running on a spiritual path.  You ether win or your learn ; and in a race/journey with no winners, everybody learns, which is a glorious & pure win win paradox. 

It takes the biggest fear in endurance running - the dreaded DNF (Did Not Finish) and turns it into a glorious badge of honour. A badge that says you gave your all. You went as far as YOU could go on that day, in that place. There is nothing to fear in the LOS regarding a DNF.  You really cannot lose.....

......unless you win!? Ooops, well, oh well, I think I can handle it. 

I wasn’t quite ready for my glorious DNF just yet, so I became the biggest LOSER.  And I’ll just have to wait and see where my glorious limits truly lie.....

                    I caught quite a tan out there. 

So, after an extended power snooze I revived myself and had some pizza and some Goat’s pish, and enjoyed the hospitality and company of Tony,Alun & Susannah, thereafter kipping on the sofa for the night, where upon I made a swift exit the next morning, before the England v Wales Rugby came on....I think I might’ve predicted the score and dIdn’t want to hang about for it.

Truth is, I had to get back to talk to my son Jack (also race strategy/challenge consultant) on the phone and then on Zoom and told him the news.. He was pleased I won, and notwithstanding the pep talks about the true nature of taking part, he  rightly likes it when I win.  I think it has a positive effect when your son knows that you’ve gone and done something a bit special, even if it might not make full sense to him now, it may well help him in the future, so that's a win win. I actually asked him during one of the training cycles (20 maras in 20 days) whether I should beat everyone on the leaderboard or let the organiser take the top spot. He said nah, beat him, I don’t think he’ll mind if you win. So that’s what I did.... thanks for the tip matey! 

So here endeth the tale of a fantastic weekend and experience, can’t wait for next year, see if we can get double the numbers starting and smash some course records. Hoping to see more of my running buddies on that starting corral with me having a dance and a song and then heading out onto the endless, beautiful loops of our own personal limits...... anything can and always does happen in a race- sorry journey- of this kind.  

You may be next years LOS, with me to help you to go as far as I possibly can, leaving YOU to do just one last loop and be the biggest LOSER on the day?  You know it makes sense.   Big love from Steve. :)

[djokeery]

hold my heart and watch it burn (and i will hold on to you)

Or, alternatively, Steve reflects on the last three years of his life on Robin’s kitchen floor.

December 19th, 1985.

It was snowing, soft and quiet. Robin’s house was safe, sound, warm—Christmas lights were strung all along her pale yellow kitchen, making the already inviting space cozier than usual. Flour and sugar were dusted on every single surface you could see, and cookie cutters were lying everywhere else. Absentmindedly, Steve ran his fingers through his hair, definitely coating it with flecks of white. 

If you didn’t know him, or see the purple bruising around his left eye, you wouldn’t even suspect he’d just managed to save the world yet again. (Believe it or not, he won a fight this time around, too.) Three years of fighting creatures from alternate dimensions, and he figured he deserved at least one normal night. That’s why, when Robin suggested he come over to help bake Christmas cookies after he mentioned that he’d never done it before, he did. 

So, here he was, on timer duty, listening to Robin’s beat up radio alone while she cleaned herself up. The sugar cookies had roughly four minutes left and the room smelt like...home. Home. It was a word he’d come to understand in new ways, with the help of new people. 

It’s weird. Before he knew that monsters actually existed, he would’ve told you home was 1146 Norwood Lane. Nowadays, though, he’d tell you home wasn’t really a place—it was a feeling. Home was Dustin trying to educate him about Star Wars. Home was Lucas and Mike begging him to teach them how to drive. Home was dropping Max off at the arcade and giving her all the spare change he had. Home was something outside of King Steve’s castle, and the kingdom no longer existed. 

To be honest, he was starting to wonder if it ever really did.

He hummed along to “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” by Tears For Fears as it faded out, only to be met by the top 40 DJ greeting him.

“I’m Carl Jetson and you’re listening to B97! Here’s a new one for anyone spending this holiday season alone. This is “Last Christmas” by Wham!—good luck getting it out of your head.”

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,”

Steve slid to the floor, further covering his apron in various baking powders in the process. 

A year ago, he spent Christmas alone, save for a visit from Dustin on Christmas Eve where he had to convince him that yes, his parents would be home in time for Christmas, so no, he wasn’t going to be alone, and yes, he would be fine by himself until they got there.

And he was. He was used to it. For the past nineteen years of his life, the rare days when his parents were home were painfully structured and quietly deafening. He preferred their absence, honestly. But ever since demogorgons ripped through the ceiling of his life, he found himself leaving every light in his house on every single night. Not because he was scared, he’d be damned if anyone ever found out that he was, but in case his parents might see when they decided to finally stumble back home. In case they decided to knock on his bedroom door and ask him if he’s alright after climbing the stairs. In case they decided to tell him they love him, fingers stroking his hair, after not uttering those very words in years.

He never really talked about it. How he felt cursed because no one ever loved him back. How, when he was at his lowest, he blamed Nancy for everything, even though he knew she had no control over any of it. 

Perfect, pretty, poised, princess Nancy. 

Steve sighed.

All he ever wanted was to feel something more. Something like the movies. And in the movies, stupid teenagers went to parties, were beyond popular, and almost worshipped in their immense normal-ness. He figured he had it in the bag. Everything.

He was good-looking, athletic—being captain of the baseball team was something he’d never admit he was actually proud of—had more than enough money to throw around whenever he felt like making it rain, was friends with the right people, the kids of his parents’ friends. His grades weren’t the best, but they also weren’t the worst, and he had the Harrington name to fall back on if sport scholarships weren’t enough to carry him through to a top school. He was set. He was set for his entire life without even blinking an eye.

But then his swimming pool turned into a graveyard and his reputation drowned. 

Regardless of however many beers he managed to swallow, the number of appearances he made at various parties, he couldn’t move past that. It followed him everywhere. It was a constant reminder that, even though he’d graduated from high school, he still dreamed about being a stupid teenager. He doesn’t miss King Steve, he really doesn’t, but at least King Steve made sense to everyone. 

People liked King Steve.

They responded to him, listened to him, followed him. The world was at his fingertips until it suddenly wasn’t.

He, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t an idiot. He heard all the whispers in the hallways. He knew people were talking. He just couldn’t explain the king’s downfall without mentioning tunnels and blinking lights and a baseball bat covered in nails, and he signed all of that away the moment Dr. Owens handed him a stack of forms to keep quiet.

And he has. He’s been good and everything King Steve wasn’t—real, genuine, kind, a dependable emergency contact.

The biggest difference of all, though, was that people loved this Steve.

That’s why he thinks that the gate is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. King Steve had to perish for Real Steve to have what he has now. And what he has now is everything. 

He has friends. Not just people his own age using him for his money and personal gain. Real friends. True comrades. People that have seen him at his worst and loved him just as much as they did when he was on top of the world. Friends that care about him. Friends that don’t lie, fight monsters, and always, always have his back.

People to remind him that he isn’t alone on his invisible throne, a throne that never existed at all, because there was never even a kingdom to rule in the first place.

He has Dustin. God, he loves that little shithead. 

Sometimes he thinks the universe really heard him when he was seven and begged for a friend. He thought Tommy H was his solution, since he moved to Hawkins a week after he pleaded to his bedroom walls. Tommy had been inseparable by his side since they met. But he wasn’t what he needed. Steve needed cleidocranial dysplasia, curly hair with a hat every day. Steve needed someone who saw through him, someone who saw him for him and who he could be. Someone who didn’t care that he was a Harrington, and someone who loved having him around.

Steve needed someone who’d die if he died. He needed a brother.

That’s why Steve Harrington would do it all over again if he had the chance. Not to change things, or fix things, but to do it exactly the same. 

He’d leave that note in Nancy’s locker, fall for her with every bone in his body, just for her to crush him and end up alone.

He’d break Jonathan’s camera, cause a scene in the alley downtown, and then swing a bat to save him in a heartbeat. He’d do it without even thinking. 

He’d do absolutely anything for the kids. His kids. He’d take plates to the head, kicks to the ribs, slaps to the face, whatever he needed to do to make sure they weren’t feeling any pain or in any danger. It didn’t matter if he got battered and bruised in the process. They were his number one priority. He’d never had anything to stand for until Dustin requested his assistance with Dart. It felt good to be needed, to be actually wanted.

God, it was something he could get used to.

He’s thinking about all of this, and about last Christmas, and how this year is so wondrously different, when he notices smoke billowing into the air, turning everything slightly hazy, bringing a gray cloud into the bright atmosphere, breaking the moment.

“Shit, shit, SHIT!” He’s up and on his feet faster than the speed of light, running straight towards the oven, so fast he doesn’t see Robin racing in from across the hall.

They collide into a tangled heap on the floor, laughter drowning out the radio and the timer that was buzzing its life away. (Because some things never change.)

“Harrington, I can’t even leave you alone for one minute without you causing a scene...give me some warning if you’re planning on burning the house down, okay?”

“Rob, I—” “All you had to do was open the oven and place the cookies on the stove. We went over this,” She was still laughing. Steve would do anything if she’d just keep laughing. It was his favorite kind of music.

He never wanted it to stop.

He took a breath and wiped his eyes. “I didn’t hear the timer go off,”

“What was that? I can’t hear you if you whisper, dingus.”

He tried again, a little louder. “The timer. I didn’t hear it.”

She looked at him like he’d grown two heads. “Are you deaf now and didn’t feel like telling anyone?”

What he really meant was thank you. Thank you for everything—for being his friend, for standing up for him, for trusting him with who she is, for taking the time to see that he’d never really been a king in the first place, and for still sticking around after that. For caring even more about him after that.

He wanted to ask her to never become a stranger he could recognize anywhere. To never be someone who leaves.

Because this, this was good. This was something he wanted forever. This was something he could hold and never shatter. This was something that actually mattered. 

“Steve, did you OD over there?” Robin’s voice snapped him back into reality and a familiar memory.

“No, sorry, I—just thinking, you know?” 

He didn’t have to say it. He could tell she knew and understood from the look on her face. She loved him back. She felt the same. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t ever going to be again.

“Yeah. I know the feeling.” 

They both paused for a moment, the tiniest of moments, to remember the feeling, the unspoken “I love you, I’m so grateful you’re here right now and alive”, and then they stood up, Robin immediately grabbing their smoldering cookies from the still smoking oven.

They’re both shuffling around the kitchen, trying to determine if any of their blackened hard work is salvageable while simultaneously attempting to keep the smoke detectors from going off, when, in the middle of the commotion, there’s a series of knocks on the front door.

“Go do something useful and get that, won’t you?” Robin said it with a cheeky smile.

“For the last time, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN’T HEAR THE TIMER DIDN’T GO OFF,” Steve wiped his hands on his apron and stretched his arm out as he walked to the front door.

Out of every single person in the world, the one he least expected to see greeted him with a smile. He doesn’t realize it until she’s standing right in front of him and he sees her rosy face, traces of snow still in her hair, but then it’s all he can think about. It’s all he can feel.

“Hey, Dustin said I might find you here. Are you alright? Is that smoke?!” She motioned to his disheveled look and the smell of burnt sugar. Steve smiled to himself.

He’s okay. Honestly. Really. After two concussions, one broken heart, a scar from being interrogated by Russians, endless nightmares, after all of the bullshit—

“Yeah, Nance. I’m good.” And for the first time since his life turned upside down, he meant it.

[aforgottenballad]

Feelings on Sally Face Episode 5

Under a read more for obvious reasons, includes heavy spoilers and potentially triggering subjects. 

Disclaimer: I might miss-remember some parts of the story or have missed a piece of lore that would settle minor complaints. I am however disappointed in the ending as a whole and in some of the very harmful tropes included in it. But I’m also just some dude online with an opinion, and you can stop reading at any time. 

Rant under cut. 

Alright ya’ll. I’ve had a couple days to digest the ending to Sally Face.  While playing, I genuinely enjoyed some elements of the game. The chapter started on a dark but nearly hopeful note. Neil and Ash were still working to bring the cult down. It seemed likely Sal would be resurrected. Todd had apparently escaped the hospital, and that had potential to be either a very very good or very very bad thing. Maple was possessed by whatever fucked up the souls of the other apartment tenants, but hey! At least her and Neil weren’t in on the cult like so many fans predicted. Unfortunately, this series has a way of getting darker and darker as it progresses.  First thing that bugged me was the lore drop about how the cult was founded.  A Native American tribe. Right. Because why wouldn’t Indigenous peoples be in a story without being part of some mystical occult backstory, portrayed as mysterious historical props who worshiped something dark and evil instead of being portrayed as human beings. 

But I continued. I really enjoyed playing as Ashley and getting some insight into her character. I enjoyed the task of planting the C4 in the temple... catacomb... thing. We get to see Travis again! I was excited that a lot of us were right about him being indoctrinated but also working to fight the cult from the inside. We knew he had some good in him after all. 

When Ash tries to resurrect Sal, we get even more insight into her character, and unfortunately a lot of it is “Grieving, distraught, and full of self-blame”. I want to hug her.  Sal’s spirit is apparently revived by those pyramids, and he can dimension warp. We meet Jim, or what’s left of him, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore but agrees to help Sal anyway. This is, narratively speaking, weird as hell. His entire character arc for four episodes was “Loved his family so much he sacrificed himself to save them”, and suddenly he’s just some glowy dude attached to Magic Spirit Tubes who doesn’t give half a shit. I guess it makes sense as a way to wrap up why he’s been able to drift between worlds but... if he doesn’t care about any of that anymore why help Sal? And what about Rosenberg? Is she like Jim, or do we just have to assume she’s magical because her family helped found the cult? (Explained in an easter egg later on, because this game doesn’t just drop its lore. Not even the CRUCIAL lore. You have to achievement hunt for it.) Sal can enter various doors in the House In The Void to step into alternate realities, and this was my favorite aspect of the game. Each door has a different art style, and I really liked seeing these alternate realities. Steve probably worked the hardest and longest on drawing out and coding these scenes. I genuinely applaud the man for the work put into this endeavor I’m assuming all by himself. 

Meanwhile, Ash tries to unbind Larry’s soul from the tree house he died in, which doesn’t work. Did we ever find out why his body was never found? No? Ok that seems important.

After each puzzle, Sal’s body is restored a little bit at a time, but even after turning on all the pyramids and solving the mysteries behind all three doors, he can’t make it back to the “real” world. So Ashley kills herself. Or tries to. Because apparently that’s the only way to complete the ritual, and also because she feels really bad about not unbinding Larry’s soul and about not fixing Sal. Again, I want to hug her, but I have to watch her hurt herself instead, cause Steve doesn’t let us have nice things.

Okay, so this is a gorey game. We know. But one of the BIGGEST no-nos suicide prevention networks will tell you when consulting them about mental illness and suicide in media is NOT to show a graphic suicide in progress. Steve is aware a lot of his fans are A) Young teens to young adults B) Struggling with mental illness. 

His main character suffers from depression and anxiety and this fact has resonated with hundreds of fans. It’s irresponsible to purposefully include a graphic suicide attempt, but he did it last chapter, showing a gunshot suicide’s aftermath, then he did it again with Ashley. Call me a wiener if you like, point out the graphic scenes from earlier in the game and call me a hypocrite for not being upset by that, but you have to admit the Spongebob-close-up-shot look to those scenes have a totally different feel. Speaking as someone who actually has a pretty thick skin, but is concerned about the fans who might be in a worse place or who could be as young as 12, that was fucked up. 

Anyway, Ash’s attempt doesn’t take, because she’s struck by magic lightning, which infuses Sal’s soul into her. Now her arm is one of those stretchy sticky hands, but with bio luminescence and the ability to kick cultist ass. I actually thought this part was really cool, and was super ready to go on a cultist smacking spree. But again, we can’t have nice things and before we get to do anything badass we have to look at gruesome imagery again. 

You get to see Void Larry, who is now old and a wizard or something, but first...

Surprise! Maple and Neil are dead! Not just dead, but hung up from hooks covered in blood! And naked! 

Hey?? Hey Steve????? You know how they’re both POC?? And that lynching imagery is EXTREMELY NOT GOOD?!!????

“Two white people are hung up with them” YEAH? WELL WE’VE NEVER SEEN THOSE CHARACTERS BEFORE. THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE.

I’ve seen people arguing “The white characters go through terrible things too” but it’s still really fucked up that by the end of the game, every. Single. Person of color. In the game. Has died. Gruesomely. It’s a gorey, dark, bleak game, and white characters die as well, gruesomely; but not all of them. None of them that are named are shown strung up, naked. That’s fucked up. That isn’t okay. 

There are also a total of three gay characters in this game. One is Todd, who goes through the standard “bad bad stuff” the game is used to, is the white one, and he survives. One is Neil, one of the aforementioned people of color who died horribly and who only really existed to be Todd’s boyfriend and therefore a source of angst for Todd when he dies. The third is Travis, another man of color, and an abuse victim, who dies to fulfill his character arc as an abuse victim, which is also really shitty to see over and over again as an abuse survivor. 

Look, I know Steve pulled a lot of inspiration from old TV shows and horror series that probably weren’t all “politically correct”. I know it’s always been kind of an edgy and dark game. I know Steve probably didn’t think about the repercussions of all his narrative choices. But I also know he actively ignored some people offering to educate him on issues he has no experience with. I know he worked hard on this game, by himself, but we as fans have paid him and waited for years and it isn’t selfish or ungrateful to be hurt and disappointed. He knows his audience is diverse, he knows a lot of us were attracted to the game because of a gender nonconforming main character, a main character who struggles with mental illness, a cast that isn’t 100% white and conventionally attractive. Of course he didn’t need to change the plot for us! It’s his game, his vision, but the least he could have done is research how to not actively hurt and alienate a good portion of us.  I don’t think anyone is bad or racist for still finding solace in the characters and in what the story was before this, I’m not attacking you personally, whoever is reading this. I, personally, still have loads of Sally Face art in my queue, I still have active role plays going on, my Sal wig is sitting like 8 feet away waiting for the next time my friends want to take cosplay pictures. I still enjoyed playing the game for the most part. Without this game I wouldn’t even know most of my current friends. It’s just really shitty how it ended like this, and a lot of people I talk to daily either feel too sick to even talk about the game anymore after seeing people like them treated like trash by the narrative or try to focus on the good things they got out of just being part of the fandom but don’t feel comfortable supporting the developer anymore. 

Even if there wasn’t all these hurtful tropes packed into the game, and yes, even after unlocking the epilogue, the game just feels cold. It feels rushed, probably because of how much time went into the alternate dimension gimmick. I wish Steve had at least consulted people over the script. It felt like not only did he pour all his work into experimenting with the mixed media, he also just took whatever expectations the fans had and went somewhere completely different just to have his story be “unpredictable”. That isn’t always a good thing. Plot twists, downer endings, dark and scary imagery, all of these things can be done beautifully, but in this case it felt like he just wanted the series to end. The game didn’t subvert expectations, it fed into the harmful stereotypes and tropes all the fans were so hopeful it wouldn’t. 

...On top of not making any sense unless you’re able to 100% all the puzzles. And even when you do, it feels like all the bad stuff happened for no reason. The ending doesn’t conclude anything. Even when you unlock the epilogue, all it tells you is that a third of the world has died and that the main cast haven’t accomplished much besides “Trying to help”. Sal and Todd have powers now, but that isn’t elaborated on much. Larry’s spirit is missing, if he even exists in any plane at all anymore. It doesn’t even mention what’s going on with Ash.  It just feels like nothing mattered. 

[vergilthelibrarian]

Worry.

Ch.1 What if | Ch.2 Alternative Reality | Ch.3 Witching Hour | Ch.4 Love | Ch.5 Deal With The Devil | Ch.6 Intelligence | Ch.7 Hallucination?

Johnny!” Chittaphon called out, running up to the tall man.

“Yeah?” “Have you seen Y/n? He hasn’t been to school for 2 days...” “He said he’s been kinda paranoid lately. You know he has psychosis and he’s going through an episode again.” Chittaphon frowned slightly.

“Do you want to visit him after school then? Since our classes end at the same time today. I’m just really worried about him.” “Yeah, why not.”

~~

“Jongin, I just don’t know what’s going on. I keep having this dream and it feels so… so foreboding.” You sat down on the couch next to Kai.

“I swear I haven’t felt this paranoid in years. I’m getting scared.” Kai grabbed one of your hands, rubbing the top of it with his thumb.

“It’s okay. You shouldn’t be scared of something that’s all in your head.” “But you don’t understand!” you exclaimed.

“This dream.” you paused looking away. “This dream feels so real. I can smell the blood, see the bodies, hearing them moan while they die… I can hear the soft cooing of the killer. Him telling me he loves me… The only thing is, I can’t see his face. I don’t know how he looks like. And then when I wake up from the dream, my window is wide open and I see a shadow watching me and I’m usually so paralyzed in fear that I don’t move. And finally, when I do move, it just vanishes.” You look at Kai. “Then when I go to my window, there are footsteps leading from the window like as if someone was watching me.” “Hmm? Really? How long has this been happening?” Kai asked, a concerned look written on his face.

“It’s been happening for about 4 weeks now so almost a month.”

“And you see footprints leading from your window?” “Yeah… I’ve been thinking about asking the landlord to move up a floor or 2 cause this really isn’t helping my paranoia.” Before Kai could say anything there was a knock at the door. You went up to go get it and felt joy as you saw your two friends standing in the doorway.

“Johnny! Ten! What are you two doing here?” “We’re worried about you shortcake.” Johnny smiled, walking through the open door first.

“Yeah! You haven’t been to school in 2 days and I got worried and told Johnny we should visit you to make sure you’re okay.” “Aw, that’s so sweet of you guys.” You said hugging each of them.

“Oh, Jongin is here.” “Jongin?” Johnny questioned, his head titling.

“Kai.” What’s he doing here? Johnny thought, frowning slightly.

The three of you walked into the living room, you and Chittaphon taking a seat next to Jongin while Johnny sat in the love seat.

“So Kai… Is this why you didn’t show up to school today?” Chittaphon asked causing Kai to laugh.

“Yeah. Y/n called me today, saying he needed someone to talk to.”

“Is that so?” Johnny inquired.

“Yeah.”

“Hmm...” You rolled your eyes.

“Johnny, don’t be a dick.”

“What? All I said was ‘hmm’!”

You shook your head, rolling your eyes at the young man.

“I gotta go actually.” Kai announced, getting up from the couch.

“See what you did?” you told Johnny who rolled his eyes.

You got up, walking Kai to your front door.

“Thanks for coming over. And sorry about Johnny.” you apologized on your friends’ behalf.

Kai chuckled as he put on his jacket.

“It’s fine. I’m sure he’s just worried about you.”

After you two said your goodbyes, you locked your door and went back to the living room.

“Johnny, why-”

“Y/n I’m just really suspicious of that guy okay.”

“That guy?” Chittaphon repeated.

“Yes. That guy. I don’t know him as well as you two and besides… It’s not like he’s trying to get to know me. I’ve been nice to him. I even invited him out to the arcade in Chinatown but the guy pretty much turns me down every time.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be an ass.” Chittaphon said, shaking his head.

Johnny sighed.

“I know. I just… I really care about you two. I don’t want anything to happen to y’all. You’re my closet friends here.”

You took a seat next to Johnny, grabbing his hand.

“Johnny, Jongin is a really nice guy. He’s just a bit shy at first. I’m sure he’ll warm up to you soon. You have nothing to fear.”

~~

Kai closed his eyes, breathed in slowly and out with a shaky breath.

He was in the elevator of your apartment building, trying to calm himself down.

He was ecstatic to have been with you all day today but was pissed that Chittaphon and Johnny came, especially the latter.

Kai didn’t like Johnny and it wasn’t because he was a loser or anything. In fact, he actually respected how intelligent the man was.

Kai didn’t like Johnny because he thought you two would good for each other, maybe even perfect and he couldn’t allow for you two to end up together.

As he walked out the elevator and outside the building, Kai knew that his plan needed to work. Not only did he make a promise to his other self, Jongin, that he’d give you to him on a silver platter, but Kai wanted you as well.

Dimensions were are a fascinating thing.

In this world, Kai was just a regular college student but in the other world he was a world famous idol. But the difference between him and the other world him was that he knew how to see and travel between dimensions. He had this ability since he was a child and honestly, he always thought there was something off about him, he always thought that he wasn’t fully human because of it.

Most people… no.

Most humans did not have the abilities and powers he had which was why he thought he wasn’t human.

Once he made it to his apartment, he took off his jacket and went to his couch, sitting down, still lost in his thoughts.

He remembers asking his dad why there were no pictures of his mother and his dad answer was that she didn’t take many photos of herself.

Kai was told that his mother had died during childbirth but something deep within him didn’t believe it.

There was something more to the woman who birthed him and he genuinely believed that she was the reason why he had powers in the first place.

It wasn’t just that he could see and travel through dimensions. He could manipulate shadows, shapeshift, and more. With these gifts, he’s been able to watch over you without getting caught once.

But with these gifts, he realized that he wasn’t really human but you didn’t have to know that… not now anyway.

[imaginaryfriendcomic]

a long, meta PSA

Hello, my good readers! Firstly, I’m very glad to see we’re almost reaching 1k followers, and I’m still very determined to finish the next page - I’m nearly done with the whole layout!

Though what I want to talk about today is something I’ve been thinking for a while. As many of you may know, Imaginary Friend was technically going to be a comic adaptation of the original fanfiction I posted a long time ago. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to change the entire plot, yet there’s something in there that’s actually been bothering me, now that I think of it: and that’s about Gaster being a dad before the Void. Please read the whole post before commenting or sending asks!

*SPOILERS FOR THE ORIGINAL STORY

TRIGGER WARNINGS - MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT

Even from the first 23 pages, you know that Gaster is drowning in his sorrows and regrets. He keeps saying how he failed at being the Royal Scientist, for not being able to free everyone, and at being a father to Sans and Papyrus. If anyone has gotten to the fanfiction already, it’s claimed that Gaster used to overwork himself and did not spend a lot of time with his sons, and that “he pushed them away.” I’ll be including some chapter pieces here to prove my points:

LIKE I SAID, I WAS THE ROYAL SCIENTIST. I MARRIED A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND HAD TWO CHILDREN. MY WIFE, UNFORTUNATELY, PASSED AWAY... THE ONLY GOOD THINGS I HAD IN MY LIFE THEN WERE SANS AND PAPYRUS. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LIFE, WHICH MADE ME WORK EVEN HARDER AFTER MY WIFE WAS GONE. BUT THEN  I STARTED BEING SO FOCUSED ON WORK THAT I DIDN'T REALLY GIVE THEM MUCH ATTENTION. I BARELY SPENT TIME WITH THEM. WHEN I WAS IN A BAD MOOD, I USUALLY TOLD THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE... I WASN'T A GOOD FATHER.

(chapter 2)

He let his wife die; nothing he had done to cure her from her disease worked. He neglected Sans and Papyrus, barely spent time with them and... treated them like they were just a burden in his life, when they really weren't. He had failed at freeing monsters, he had broken everyone's trust. He had disappointed everyone. He had had one job, and he failed.

(chapter 7)

It’s even implied that Sans looked after Papyrus on his own, too, which is further confirmed in the sequel I made, You’re Home Now (which contains Grillby x Gaster, just warning you guys).

He was very proud of them, despite Sans being lazy... His elder child did a great job taking care of Papyrus when he was younger (...).

(chapter 1)

The little Sans was home (in their very, very old house, the one located in New Home), watching television with young Papyrus. It was already late, the babysitter hadn't been able to come over, leaving Sans the responsibility of taking care of himself and his little brother, which wasn't that bad. Despite being a kid, Sans was actually responsible enough for his father to trust him at this task, though Papyrus could give some hard work sometimes.

(You’re Home Now, chapter 2)

Maybe this hasn’t crossed in anyone’s minds - if they’ve already read the fic - and well, I’m unsure if I’m overthinking this since I didn’t get that much depth to the original story, but this is my work, after all. I wrote this more than 3 years ago, so I’m looking back at it with a more critical perspective. Thus, this aspect about Gaster’s parenting has been bothering me recently.

I’m aware that many children have gone through this; being forced to look after themselves, their siblings or even their own parents (the latter isn’t quite the case here but anyway), as the adults fail to do what they’re supposed to - of taking care of their family and providing them love, attention and everything else. The lack of any of these things has been normalized in many households, and most of the time kids don’t realize how harmful it might be to them, because their own feelings aren’t validated. Since they’re forced to take in the role of the responsible parent, the adult, they excuse and justify their parents’ misdeeds.

Surely, in the original Imaginary Friend, Gaster acknowledges he wasn’t the best dad, yet now that I come to read it again, it never feels like he’s truly called out for that. Alright, he’s already being punished by the loneliness and helplessness for decades inside the Void, and he does show genuine remorse for his actions. Regardless, I feel like I’ve made excuses for his failures at being a parent. I feel like I used the “but he didn’t mean to!” excuse that so many people adopt when we’re talking about abusive and neglectful parents. I used Frisk, a character who I headcanon to have been abused by their biological parents, to justify that Gaster wasn’t all that bad:

"Don't say that! I think they would be glad to see you again." Frisk assured him. "I mean, you deeply cared about them and did everything to offer them proper conditions and-"

YES, BUT... I HAVE NOT GIVEN THEM ENOUGH LOVE AND AFFECTION. He sighed sadly.

Frisk sighed too. They had a feeling that Sans and Papyrus didn't hate him. They just knew it, but Gaster didn't believe.

"But... they never gave up on you, right?" They asked.

(...)

"I would've really liked to have a father who would do everything to give me a good life."

Gaster, curious, looked at the child. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"Toriel is my mom now, and she's the best, but... I've never had a father that cared about me." Frisk admitted. "You know... before I fell into the Underground. My real parents weren't... great. They were very mean to me, specially my father."

(...)

I AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.

"It's okay. At least I found great friends and a fantastic mom." Frisk said, smiling, despite remembering their mean parents. "You are a way better father than my real one. You shouldn't say you're the worst."

Gaster didn't answer.

"You may have not spent much time with them, but I don't think Sans and Papyrus wouldn't be happy to see you." Frisk said.

BUT I MADE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY WERE ANNOYING ME... I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT.

"I understand, but, just so you know... I think you already made it clear to them that you cared about them, which is why they were always there for you even if you distanced yourself."

(chapter 2)

Sans and Papyrus don’t hold grudges against their father, either, and yet, now that I realize it, the former presents the same “pushing away” behavior Gaster presumably adopted. In the very least, Sans is called out for it, but I never explicitly connected that to how his father treated them:

"SANS, DID YOU SLEEP WELL?" Papyrus asked.

"i'm okay, pap."

"BUT YOU LOOK AWFUL-"

"papyrus, i'm okay!" Sans interrupted, sounding annoyed.

Papyrus shrunk out of fear. He had never seen Sans in that state before. He knew something was up with him, but for some reason, he was afraid of asking Sans what was wrong. His brother sounded so grumpy, he felt like he would piss him off if he asked that at the time.

(chapter 6)

"DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT!" Papyrus said, somehow pissed, but concerned at the same time.

"l-leave me alone." Sans managed to escape, but Papyrus wouldn't let him go.

"I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU! PLEASE-"

Sans teleported himself, escaping Papyrus's grip. He groaned loudly.

"SANS, OH MY GOD! STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME!" Papyrus yelled.

Turned out that Sans didn't teleport far away. He arrived in the same street, a few meters ahead.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" Papyrus yelled.

"i don't want to talk, papyrus."

"BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST... TREAT ME LIKE GARBAGE!"

(chapter 9)

That’s NOT to say Gaster is evil. You could say that Gaster believes he was terrible because of his trauma from the Void. The dark dimension causes him to hallucinate things, alter his physical form and twist reality, and so that may be why Sans and Papyrus don’t hold anything against him. But the point is, I don’t feel like I’ve made that clear. And with Sans technically mirroring his past role model, I feel like the narrative swept Gaster’s bad parenting under the carpet.

This topic is very difficult to discuss, I’m very aware of that. I get that some abusers can make it different, they can change. However, that’s not what usually happens. What does happen is society underestimating and devaluating the effects of abuse on people, especially children and teenagers. Nobody tends to focus on the victims, and thus finds ways to justify the abuse. Like that, I feel like I contributed to that, too. That’s why I’m writing this post.

PLEASE NOTE: I’m very proud of having written Imaginary Friend, and I want to continue with the comic. However, I want to truly emphasize that there will be changes in the comic adaptation, and with this theme in mind, I’ll make sure I don’t unintentionally excuse bad parenting again. At the time I wrote the fic, I had no idea it might come off that way (which doesn’t mean I’m condemning myself for not noticing). I think a lot of other people haven’t had the same impression, either; yet now that I do, I want to change what this fic might have defended.

I’m very sorry for everyone who went through this situation in their childhoods, or might still be. It’s not your fault. Your parent(s)/guardian(s) should have been better, and that’ll never be on you. Maybe they “didn’t mean to”, but that doesn’t mean it’s not harmful. I wish you all the happiness and safety in the world. <3

Stay determined!

[loyalflutist]

Scarlet Carnation - Chapter 3 (F!Byleth x Edelgard)

Collaboration with @datsexykiwi

A/N: Not much to add here other than this took me a while. Hope you enjoy it! Chapter 4 should be up soon with Kate’s part. 

>> Previous Chapter 

---

How long has this been going on for?

This… back and forth exchange between the two worlds... It has been going on for some time. Whenever she closes her eyes, when she falls into a state of unconsciousness, she would be bolted awake to another world.

One with an older Edelgard.

One with a younger Edelgard.

They were the same person, but also not the same.

They were perfectly identical, but drastically differed.

‘ Edelgard… ’

It would be incorrect to surmise that Byleth has gotten used to it. Nearly a whole month crawled by on the calendar, yet her comprehension defined the situation as a trippy episode. A long, trippy episode that continuously looped.

‘ When will this ever end? ‘

Byleth pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead as she stood inside the greenhouse. Slight fatigue, occasional headaches, and sporadic dizzy spells seem to have plagued the poor woman after the first week.

She narrowed her hues as the muscles from her left eye continuously twitch. Discussion with Sothis back in her world theoretically explained that her physical features may be unaffected, but the same treatment does not apply to her mentality. It was unnoticeable at first. Waking up between the realms was as natural as transferring from vehicle to vehicle. One week… two weeks… three… Then, a month. As today marked the end of the first month, Byleth was assaulted with the creeping nuisances. Her hand slid down till it vertically concealed half of her facial features.

‘ It feels like I’m awake 24/7… ’

There seems to be no cure for it either. Hark, it must have been a blessing that from the time she “returned” back to this dimension, she participated in nothing more than minor skirmishes! Battles hardly lasted an hour, the other side raised their white flags or were brutally eliminated in the process. Had she partaken in anything longer… Another small thud clunk against her skull. Almost as if on cue, the professor stumbled to the side as her entire vision tilted. If it weren’t for her outreached hand, she would have crashed right into a patch of flowers.

“...”

She kneeled down, lowered her head, closed her eyes, and slowed her breathing. Swirls of blackness rippled throughout the dark surroundings. Drums beat in the background, her blanketed vision pulsed in-sync with her pounding heart. She roughly scraped her nails among the ledge’s surface.

Fascination for everlasting peace and quiet found only in sleep was strong. Alas, reality was cruel and unfortunate to the teacher. Even a nap would toss her back to her own world, lest they occur at randomized parts of the day. (Comically, she had “woken” up when she was in the midst of taking a dip in the sauna!) The fact that blurred imagery inserted itself into the equation amplified her exhaustion. Flickering flames tickled her exposed skin, gentle breeze of the seawater reminds her of the great ocean, shadowed figures present with short white noise blurbs… Ambiguity is an understatement.

Byleth pursed her lips. She can’t even determine the source of the visions she’s forced to experience. Not even Sothis has the answer to it yet! Perhaps her savior would be found in death alone after all.

‘ I don’t have much of a choice, do I. ’

That alternative option sent a chill down her spine. Her fingers coincidentally brushed upon the scarlet carnation. She instinctively retracted her applied hand, cracked open her eyelids, and wearily gazed at the plant.

A flower that she had planted alongside with Edelgard... A flower that she still could not remember having planted alongside with Edelgard. Despite the blank card that Byleth keeps on pulling, it did not deter her from singing praises for the object of interest. The high sun’s rays made its petals glimmer with striking beauty. Conducting a basic observation had alleviated the foreign adverse effects in a matter of seconds. An exhale trembled past her partially parted lips as she grazed upon its thin petals once more.

‘ Scarlet carnation… ’

Byleth resisted the temptation to snap the flower’s stem. Instead, she mindlessly glossed her thumb and index finger over it.

It was a majestic piece of art. She recalled the much older lord speaking about it; a cheery disposition prominent with the subject. Every single time she returned to this realm, the white-haired would drag her professor into the greenhouse. Regardless of her teacher’s state, they would always walk into the organized greenery. No skips and no excuses. They would always arrive without fail.

‘ She really wants me to see the flowers with her. I wonder why? ’

Asking questions about this intriguing matter is a useless feat. First of all, despite her lack of social etiquettes, Byleth knew that a negative connotation would be implied. No matter how careful she chooses her words, they will slug Edelgard across the face. Second, it seems as though there is this odd fixation with the flowers. The ex-mercenary was not sure why, but the vermillion emperor made it a necessary part of her life to see the botanical object. She would touch the scarlet carnation, lean down, reminisce about their past, straighten her posture, turn to Byleth, and engage in a banter. Each day followed this protocol to a T.

Not even the others knew. Not even Dorothea, who was one of the few closest friends to Edelgard.

“Edie has been visiting the flowers ever since you’ve disappeared five years ago, Professor,” Dorothea remarked, a weary sigh followed. “I had originally thought she was watching over the carnations you’ve both planted. It turns out that she still visits them.”

“Is there a particular reason as to why Edelgard is so hung up on these flowers?”

When presented with this question, Dorothea shrugged her shoulders.

“I do not know the answer, Professor. All I know is that she always wanted to be alone with the carnations when you were gone.” A faint smile blossomed on the songstress, genuine like a lone sunflower in the midst of cruelty. “Perhaps it is a blessing that you came back. Now she doesn’t have to see them by herself.”

Byleth retracted her fingers from the plant.

‘ Too bad I’m here alone. ’

Unfortunately, Edelgard had to take her leave early. Ferdinand, Petra, and Dorothea called the emperor over for a strategic meeting. Although Byleth normally oversees and guide these alumni, Hanneman suggested that she take a break.

“You always seem so tired, Professor. I think you should relax for today.”

She remembered touching the skin beneath her eye while he strongly advised her. The ex-mercenary would normally object to such bewildering claim. Tired? Please, her physical condition is in tip-top shape. If they were to go into battle within the next minute, Byleth would be the first one in the frontline. She would have more than enough energy to slay those that stand in their way.

At least, that would be what she would do if she did not possess these obnoxious side effects. Besides, the older male seems to act as if it were in her best interest to heed his words; his firm and steady look made it impossible to counter and object.

“If only Manuela were here… She would have you checked up in no time.”

His attentive features of a wise scholar drooped. Hanneman’s vision began to metaphorically cloud as his thoughts crawled back to the other professor. Why, oh why, did Manuela side with the Kingdom of Faerghus? Out of all the quantifiable and qualitative problems he’s encountered, none of them were like this. Not a single research article or book could elaborate on the finer details of this intricate ordeal.

Did she betray him? Or did he betray her?

He shook his head. The contagious twinkle that shone behind his monocular dulled despite forming a small smile.

“Farewell, Professor. I will see you soon.”

Those were his last words before walking away and leaving Byleth all alone in the monastery’s garden. Silence followed afterward, save it for the two gardeners tending to the plants. Though the professor could have parted from the premise, she decided to stick around. Furthermore, the sun’s rays basked her figure; the temperature within her environment was at an ideal condition. (If she were to become an animal in the next life, she would not hesitate to choose a cat.) Mere minutes of serenity ticked by until it led to the present time.

“...”

She sat on the ledge opposite of the grandiose double doors. Fingers intertwined, she gazed past the open barriers. Students’ chatters and laughter had all been replaced with imperturbable guards and prideful soldiers. There were members of mercenaries outside of Jeralt’s group even present too! Byleth firmed her lips, the tip of her thumbs unconsciously tapping each other. She eventually closed her eyes as a warm breeze ruffled her large overcoat and bangs.

How ironic for a diverse population with little to no similarities band together under times of war.

‘ Edelgard really is something, isn’t she… ’

“Professor, is that really you?”

The ex-mercenary snapped open her lids. She found herself staring at three students; all of whom were from the Blue Lions House. Aside from Sylvain, Ingrid Brandl Galatea and Mercedes von Martrtiz were present.

Byleth widens her eyes as her thumbs stilled. She remembered them… Back in her world, she had taken the time to get to know everyone. As the days crawled by, Ingrid and Mercedes explicitly hinted their interest in joining Byleth’s class. Their brilliant auras radiated whenever they spot the professor. Small talks were engaged. An occasional visit with Felix, Sylvain, and Dimitri wiggled their way into their conversations. Livelihood was an understatement once they came together. Unfortunately, it never went beyond that point. The two remained under Hanneman’s teaching; lamentations mushed in their intonation.

“Maybe one day we can join your class, Professor.”

She slowly got up from her seat, her gaze fixated on the two newcomers.

‘ It seems in this realm, they were recruited. ’

Then, a smile broke from Byleth. Although she had lost her father, Hubert, Caspar, Bernadetta, Linhardt, and the majority of colleagues from the Church of Seiros in this world, the fact that Ingrid and Mercedes were a part of her allies swelled a bubble deep within her chest. She placed a hand on it; a short burst of air coming from her mouth.

“You both…”

Without warning, Ingrid launched herself at the teacher.

“Professor–!”

Had it not been for the large, overgrown leaves, the warrior would have tumbled backward into the soil! Many question marks flew out of her head as Ingrid tightly hugged the professor; a torrent of tears burst through the dam in addition. This nearly gave Byleth a heart attack. Someone who is more of a knight than every knight that existed in this era has crumpled into a shriveled ball. How out of character for Ingrid!

The tactician quickly recomposed herself and closed her arms around the sobbing blonde. This caused a stronger reaction to arise from the young woman. Byleth partly opened her mouth as she began to pat her back. As Ingrid buried her face into Byleth’s chest like that of a mourning child, Mercedes clasped her hands together in the background.

“It’s a miracle that you’ve returned to us, Professor,” she softly smiled. “Although Lady Edelgard would not approve of my belief, I say that the Goddess has answered our prayers.”

“You think so, Mercedes?” Sylvain ran his fingers through his hair with a forced grin. “Frankly, I think it’s just a stroke of luck that the Professor is here.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that she was here sooner?” Ingrid parted from Byleth’s bosom. She glanced over her shoulder and shot dagger-like glares. “I would’ve hurried from the battlefield!”

“I hope you understand that it took several weeks for the messenger to deliver the news to you.”

She blinked. Soon enough, the knight released her hold on the seated ex-mercenary and approached the red-hair. Byleth merely blinked as Mercedes clasped her hands once more for another prayer. The white magus began to whisper under her breath the instant Ingrid jabbed her finger on Sylvain’s chest plate.

“Several weeks? Um, it should’ve been several days, Sylvain. You expect me to believe that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You were so busy flirting with her, weren’t you?”

“I wasn’t flirting with her! That was a guy, FYI.”

“Huh… Didn’t know you swing both directions… Can’t say that I’m surprised.”

“Ingrid!”

Their arguments escalated to a degree, but it appears that they swerved off course. Both ex-Blue Lion House members hands flailed as their banter continues. To summarize the extent of their on-going quarrel, it was like watching chipmunks go at it.

Byleth had to stifle a chuffed chuckle as she got up on her two feet. Physically, they have changed. The two females had chopped off their hair. One became a sturdy warrior. One became a combat medic. Yet mentally and spiritually, they remain true to their core. It was like a snapshot of the golden days from the Officers Academy. Someone had simply aged up the students by five years.

The professor’s chest ached, and she shifted her weight.

‘ I have to remember Sothis’s words. ’

This was not her world. She has no right to meddle in it. No matter how many times she had been dragged over to this realm, she must not be attached to any of these students. These students are not her students. Still… She looked over at the holy maiden. Mercedes, who had completed her small chants, felt a sharp gaze bear upon her fragile figure. The student, who was and is older than Byleth by one year, reciprocated the attention with a giggle.

Byleth curled her fingers inward, nails digging into the palm of her hand. How could she distance herself from them? They were not figments of her imagination. Everyone around her was so human. They were her students, yet they were not. They were just like Edelgard.

“Professor? How are you feeling?” She recognized the timbre of a mother in Mercedes’s voice. The magus closed their proximity until they were standing side-by-side. Although their hues occasionally swipe to the comical interactions between the two close childhood friends, their words paid utmost care to each other’s responses and well-beings. “You seem tired.”

“That isn’t the first I’ve heard from today.”

“I see…” After a period of silence, Mercedes continued. “It’s important to watch over yourself. It would be worrisome if you were to collapse.”

“I’ll try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough.”

“Okay, I will.”

The older female puffed her cheeks. However, she pushed the topic no further. Hopefully, the professor would adhere to her advice. As for the teacher, she decided to talk about another matter.

“Ingrid mentioned that you were both out on the battlefield.”

“Ah, yes. We had to scout in the Leicester Alliance for information during the past few months.”

“That explains why I didn’t see you and Ingrid when I first arrived.”

“I wish we could’ve come sooner… Though it was fortunate that we didn’t run into any enemies on the way back.”

“I see.” She briefly paused. “Mercedes, what happened these past five years?”

“Didn’t Lady Edelgard tell you everything?”

“Yes, but I wish to hear from you all,” Byleth reached out to grab the female’s hands. “I can’t imagine how much stress you’re all undergoing.”

“Professor…”

Mercedes’s exhaled, albeit with a slight tremble.

Despite the blank characteristics that adorn the ex-mercenary, Byleth has always taken steps for her students. For the maiden, it was a little odd as she is older than the woman. Hark, she even scolds Byleth! She should be the one to take initiative as a guardian to those younger than her. Yet that never occurred when it came to Byleth. Mercedes would wither into a fetal position at the comfort of the young woman’s presence. Not even Annette, her best friend, could put her at ease… No, it wasn’t that. It was because the only person she finds solace in is the person she was willing to betray her entire nation and friends... That included Annette.

She moistened her lower lip and dryly swallowed.

Where would she even begin? Being stressed is a euphemism. Another exhale. Edelgard wasn’t the only one suffering in this conflict… A gentle squeeze brought her back to the present. Banters and bickers steadily thumped upon her eardrums as she blinked rapidly. Mercedes slanted her now-sunken eyes and forced the corner of her lips to tug upward.

Ever since the Church of Seiros was overthrown at the monastery, Mercedes, Ingrid, Sylvain, Leonie, and Lysithea regrouped with Edelgard and the remainders of the Black Eagle Strike Squad. Betrayal of their house leaders and nations resonated deeply to their cores. Ferocious resentment and outrage blew up on their ends; Dimitri threatened to eliminate the traitors, Claude simply accepted his fate of losing the two girls. Both house leaders were disappointed in their decisions. The reaction they received wounded them deeper than any battle injuries.

Yet they continued onward valiantly. Mutual trust spurred as the five continued to march forward hand-in-hand. They had each other. They were the only one who truly understood the anguish of betraying those they love for their beliefs.

Frankly, they do not have much in common with the new emperor’s beliefs. Sylvain and Lysithea strongly believed in the permanent removal of the Crests. They were the closest to Edelgard. Leonie promised to protect Byleth at all cost after a promise with Jeralt. She wished to become a protector for Byleth. Ingrid and Mercedes were mostly aligned with Byleth. They trusted in Byleth more so than Edelgard. Overall, what they all possess was a slimmer of hope for the one star they followed under: Byleth.

“After we were told you died, I wasn’t sure how to react.”

Grief and regret gnawed at their very soul. The star they had tailed after disappeared without a trace. Questions began to bubble deep within their chest. Unlike the Black Eagles, the five were outsiders. The only connection they’ve ever had with the Adrestian Empire’s warriors was from the tactician. Otherwise, they would never spare a glance at them. Their hands were becoming clammy as they fretted and tiptoed around their irreversible decision.

“Was it right for us to remain by Lady Edelgard’s side? We’ve thought long and hard about it together.” Mercedes began to loosen her grip on Byleth’s hands. “In the end, we decided to stay here.”

“Why?”

Strength trickled back into her fingers as she tightened her hold.

“We believed you would return to us.”

Byleth nearly bit her own tongue. Though she may lack many crucial social etiquettes, the professor is no fool… even if silence isn’t the correct answer either.

Turns out, the five’s patience paid off. The professor they’ve come to love and respect has made her comeback!

Hallelujah! It was time to rejoice!

But the time before her arrival? It was complete Hell; dark red and black discolored their flimsy visual lens.

Though Lysithea recovered from her grief and picked herself up in a matter of days, the others were not so quick. Ingrid had holed herself in the bedroom for almost a full month. Quiet sobs echoed throughout the silent nights. Sylvain began to waver between Edelgard’s mission and Dimitri’s purpose for the war. Without the teacher, his sight muddled. Leonie constantly visited Jeralt’s grave and begged for forgiveness. How could she live up to his expectations if she couldn’t even protect his child? Mercedes frequented the chapel. Day and night, she offered prayers for the eventual return of the ex-mercenary. Oh, may the goddess please grant her blessings to the unfortunate lost soul that is called their professor!

Time marched forward without pause; time and tide wait for no man. One year clocked in… two years… three… four… then five years. The glimmer of hope the five scoured desperately for was beginning to dim. Alas, the five years did not crawl by with complete inaction; Edelgard and Hubert put them to work for the empire.

Leonie, Sylvain, and Lysithea were in charge of maintaining order here at the disheveled academy. The three would stand guard, switch shifts with patrol officers, and investigate any abnormalities or suspicious activities. Many eyes were required to uphold the recently seized area. Losing it would spell a great disaster for the Adrestian Empire’s future operations.

As for Mercedes and Ingrid, they were in charge of scouting the Leicester Alliance. Although there were plans to tackle small parts of the Kingdom of Faerghus, the political climate made it impossible to execute them. The best course of action was to sniff out plots from the divided domain. Edelgard and Hubert had also decided that their skills were best suited for gathering intel. Ingrid and her pegasus could travel high above the ground and cover great lengths; Mercedes is a priest who could heal and provide necessary therapies for the battalions.

Besides, it could be seen from a mile away that Ingrid needed some time away from the monastery.

“I knew Lady Edelgard took it hard when she lost you, but the same could be said for Ingrid.”

“?”

“She took it the hardest right after Lady Edelgard. Unlike the emperor, she became mute and refuse to speak to anyone other than to us four.”

“...”

A glance was shot at the knight. Ingrid was still up and at it with Sylvain. She had pulled on his cheeks as the red-hair tried to escape from her iron clutch. Tears flowed down his cheeks in an exaggerated fashion with every stretch of his skin. Their childish nature nearly cast trickery to distract most bystanders into a pleasant illusion of a peaceful today.

Is there a reason as to why Ingrid would feel so crushed? Byleth opened her mouth, only to be cut off by Mercedes.

“Perhaps it is best that Ingrid had Sylvain with her. If it weren’t for him, I’m sure she would have starved to death in the room… Not saying that you aren’t a part of her recovery. We’re thankful that you came back.”

“What about you?” Byleth shifted attention to the priestess. “How are you feeling?”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“...”

Now it was Mercedes turn to become speechless. She parted her lips… but felt inaudible, airy words pass through her trachea. She tried again. The words were now caught in her throat. In turn, she clamped her mouth shut.

How kind of Byleth… The holy maiden was always so busy caring for others, she had forgotten about herself. Mercedes demeanor made it near impossible to determine how she truly felt. No one came to her aid. Not even Lysithea, Leonie, Sylvain, and Ingrid. If they ever attempted, like Sylvain, they incorrectly concluded about her inner turmoil. This pushed her raging, emotional storm further to the backburner.

No one would understand her. Why should she try to make them understand her?

Her internal strife intensified after the following events. The loss of Byleth was one matter. She could vividly recall the goosebumps that spread throughout her exposed skin. Mercedes felt the wind knocked out of her system by an invisible punch from the tragic news. Betraying her nation was also another matter. Dimitri must be so furious by now. He had always valued loyalty and goodness in people. The fact that Mercedes must turn her back towards him and their nation created a ripple to her adopted homeland. What weighed the heaviest was the fact she turned her back towards Annette.

Annette… Annie… Her Annie.

She would have to face her soon.

Does… it mean that she has to kill Annie?

Can’t she avoid it?

No, war is not as kind as she would expect.

Can she still pray for a miracle though?

Her knuckles became as white as a sheet.

“...I’m okay.”

The tiny whisper was so quiet, Byleth nearly missed it.

“Are you sure?”

Mercedes nodded. Was she truly okay? Not really. She wished to pound her fists on the pillow and scream into it. The wailing of Annette’s name swelled within her chest too. Each passing second enhanced its effect. It would be better if she could hop on a pegasus or horse and escape into the wilderness. Somewhere far away from conflict… Just like Marianne when she disappeared with her horse since the siege of Garreg Mach, only to never return.

However, the fact that her professor, in which she had not seen in five years, took the time to worry about her well-being tampered the tempting raw offer. How selfish of Mercedes! As someone older by one year, she has a job of looking over her juniors! She even promised herself to take care of Byleth!

Still, there’s nothing wrong with falling into her teacher’s outreach arms, right...? She yearns to have someone take care of her… and it turns out that this teal-haired female fits the role perfectly.

“Thank you for coming back to us, Professor.” Their physical connection broke apart. Mercedes genuinely smiled as she slanted her eyes. “You mean so much for all of us.”

Was she really that important to their lives? Byleth’s cheeks shone a tinge of pink. Despite her disconnection with this realm, the fact that she was held up with great esteem was difficult to brush aside. These students needed her… Without the shepherd, they were nothing more than lost lambs, awaiting for their demise by the wolves’ fangs and claws.

In turn, she smiled at them. It was rare for Byleth to smile. This caused the heated debate between Sylvain and Ingrid to die down once they peeked at her direction. Whenever she smiled, it only meant positive news were to follow. Three of the Blue Lion’s House members gave their undivided attention to the professor as she motioned to them.

“I’m happy to be here for you all.”

Sylvain, Ingrid, and Mercedes simultaneously placed a hand on their chest, their eyes nearly boggled out the sockets. Those honest words nearly ceased the three’s heart functions! A light discoloration tickled Sylvain and Mercede’s cheeks. As for Ingrid, a deep shade of crimson washed over the entirety of her face. This feature did not escape their eyes, especially from someone like Sylvain. He smirked and tapped his elbow to Mercedes.

“Looks like someone’s got the hots for the teacher…”

“@#*%$!”

Incoherent sounds spouted out of Ingrid’s mouth without warning. Still as red as a beet, the short-haired tried to slug him on the shoulder. Not that it stopped him from the teasing. He simply guarded his precious man-shoulders and heartfully laughed. Both Mercedes and him eventually ushered Ingrid to have a private moment with Byleth.

“Don’t do anything naughty, okay?”

“SYLVAIN!”

“I’m sure the goddess would forgive you if such sins were to be committed.”

“MERCEDES, NOT YOU TOO!”

Ludicrously, the knight regained control of her shaky limbs and shooed them out of the greenhouse. Watching the three act immature brought another wave of nostalgia. No… nostalgia didn’t fit the bill. Her true world possess all of her students when they were young; their personalities were retained. This world simply hit the fast-forward button, yet she was not present during the time-skip. In spite of that, Byleth stared in awe at their energetic selves.

It was as if the war never occurred.

It was as if they were back to their ordinary lives.

It was a crafty illusion that clouded their senses like a quick high.

Sylvain and Mercedes understood that their banters should come to closure for now. (They could always catch up with Ingrid later… and probably catch up on the juicy gossip.) The professor waved farewell to the duo as the knight puffed fumed. Byleth and Ingrid were left to their own device soon afterward.

“...”

Utter silence hung in the air. It did not help that there was a thick atmosphere that weighed down on their shoulders, undeterred by the group’s earlier optimism. When Byleth extended her hand out, Ingrid immediately took ahold of it. She enveloped them in her grip and placed them onto her own rosy cheek. Heat seeped into the female’s face as Byleth tilted her head from the development.

“I really miss you so much, Professor,” the blonde nestled into the tactician’s rough palm. “I thought I would never see you ever again.”

“Ingrid…”

“I know staying depressed won’t help me. Actually, it would only make matters worse. That’s what happened with my fiance’s death… But ever since Lady Edelgard reported on your death, I could not find myself to roll out of bed. It was as if I’m reliving it all over again.”

She inched closer till the tip of their nose bumped each other. Afterward, Ingrid promptly landed on the side of her face into Byleth’s shoulder. The plop nearly startled the professor, her shoulders instinctively hitched. Nevertheless, Byleth recomposed. Arms that were wide open encircled the knight in due time.

Not a single word was exchanged between the two. Just two women embracing each other into a hug. It was a tender reunion that might even rival Edelgard’s! Ingrid exhales tickled Byleth’s exposed neck.

“Professor?”

“Hm?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

Ingrid deeply breathed. She parted from the teal-haired’s comfort. Lower lip moistened, the pegasus rider gulped.

“I…”

“...”

“I… Wow, this is… harder than I thought.”

“Ingrid,” Byleth captured the rider’s hands and smoothed the back of it with her thumbs. “Do not be afraid. I will always be here for you.”

“R-Right…”

She began a small breathing exercise. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out. Ingrid moistened the bottom pink flesh once more.

“I…”

“My teacher, I have returned.”

Unfortunately, the private time they shared came to an abrupt closure as Edelgard arrived on premise. Their heads whipped towards the approaching emperor. Had the meeting been adjourned already? Or did the reunion spent more time than they had anticipated? Whatever it may be, lilac hues flickered over to the holding females. The vermillion royal raised an eyebrow at the peculiar sight. In addition, to Byleth’s confusion, her features had slightly darkened.

“Have I interrupted you both?”

“Ingrid was going to tell me something.”

“Oh, really?” Edelgard looked at the ex-Faerghus warrior. She sent a rather strong nod towards the blonde’s direction. “You may continue.”

“...I just wanted to say that I’m grateful for the Professor’s return.”

Elaboration was impossible at this point. The hand-holding connection severed by a gentle tug. Ingrid proceeded to place her hand on her metallic chest plate, face Edelgard, bowed to her highness, and promptly left the premise. This all occurred in less than ten seconds, and this entire process left Byleth baffled.

“Guess it’s just us two,” the professor pronounced. “I didn’t even have a chance to say anything to Ingrid.”

Edelgard placed a hand on her hip. The darken features had eroded from her physical traits as she faintly smiled.

“Perhaps next time. Today may be too late, but tomorrow has yet to come.”

Edelgard is correct. There was always tomorrow. However, when taken into consideration of the raging war, the probability of surviving the next day drastically varies. Conflict naturally brings about pain and anguish. The victor solely winning from raw strength, tactical intelligence, and a sprinkle of luck. Anything could turn the tide of a single battle. The future is simply unpredictable.

‘ My students will be okay. I am here for them. ‘

Could this be false hope? She shook her head. Perhaps. Nevertheless, there was no use to possessing a pessimistic perspective. They were not only fighting for a cause under Edelgard von Hresvelg’s flag, but they were also fighting to survive. It’s that simple.

“!”

Byleth lurched forward.

“Professor!”

Had it not been for the petite axe-wielder, the ex-mercenary would have smacked her face flat on the pavement. The whole world was spinning round and round as if someone accelerated the planet. Byleth squinted her eyes, her fingers digging into Edelgard’s armored arms. Another dizzy spell had struck the unfortunate teacher. Although the abrupt effect rapidly diminished, the teal-haired struggled to right her posture with the introduction of a dull headache.

This is becoming more of a nuisance, and this is the first time her symptoms became evident to someone other than Sothis. What better way than to succumb before the ruler? The timing was impeccable!

Edelgard adjusted her hold, her eyes locked onto Byleth. “Do I need to bring you to the infirmary?”

“I’m fine, Edelgard,” the teacher loosened her strong grip. Navy hues rose to meet with the alumni’s lilac irises. “I’m just a little dizzy.”

“Are you sure? You don’t seem fine.”

“I’m sure.”

“Professor, I would rather you not push yourself too hard.”

“I said I’m fine.”

It was stern. Accompanied by a glare, no room was left for any counterbacks with her response. Though her smiles may be rare, her irritation is all the more rare. This caused the white-haired to open her eyes wide. When Byleth saw the wound she unintentionally inflicted upon Edelgard, the hunched professor hastily pulled the graduated student into a strong hug without hesitation. Whatever symptoms that had possessed her were shoved far back into the dusty parts of her skull.

“I’m sorry, Edelgard. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

Yes, the young lady was taken aback by the rough treatment. She had witnessed Byleth’s disapproval to other students and staff. Some battalion members were frozen on the spot when the female’s eyes narrowed to slits. The nickname “Ashen Demon” finally made perfect sense to the emperor. However, she had never been on the receiving end until now. What a surprise! But Edelgard is no fool. The female simply responded by briefly resting her face upon the woman’s shoulder. She understood where Byleth was coming from.

“That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Though this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“?”

When they separated, the emperor crossed her arms and studied Byleth with a level gaze.

“I… I just didn’t expect you to exhibit these strange symptoms.”

It almost sounds as if Edelgard knew what had plagued Byleth. This train of thought slashed through her mind as if it were melted butter. The seed of doubt had finally planted into the soil. Sothis words echoed in the back of her mind as a reminder of this particular Edelgard.

“Keep an eye on her. I felt like she is hiding something from us. She knows something and she’s not telling everything.”

Unlike the youngster who has much to learn about the battlefield, this older version had seen plenty in the past five years. What made it even more uncertain was the gap between the apparent takeover of Garreg Mach Monastery and last month. Suspicion began to clear bits of the enigmatic fog. Could she have known something about Byleth that she doesn’t?

As if the vermillion woman had read her mind, she shook her head.

“Unfortunately, I do not know what caused them. If only Linhardt were here, I would ask him… Perhaps Professor Hanneman might help instead.”

“I see.”

Looks like the small doubt she had on the older Edelgard vanished in a blink of an eye, the fog making its return. Byleth cursed herself for thinking of the emperor in that fashion. The presumed death status that had been bestowed to the teal-haired was by none other than Edelgard. Despite the proclamation, this ex-Black Eagle’s house leader, who had grieved for five long arduous years, impatiently waits for Byleth’s return.

The older woman chewed her lip. Edelgard had been waiting for an event that might have never came. How could Byleth see her that way?! It was almost as if the first whiplash wasn’t enough!

‘ Perhaps my symptoms are getting the best of me… ’

An awkward silence hung in the air. Though the two are close, there is a sense of distance between the two partners. Beads of sweat few out of their heads as they attempt to remedy the oddity. Their jaw would lower, but clamp shut. Rinse and repeat... It was all for naught. None of them would dare break the growing tension. The taller woman shifted her gaze to the royal figure.

‘ She also came back from the meeting… ’ Her fingers became agitated. Byleth had barely stomped on the desire to slap her own forehead. ‘ I really messed up. ’

Edelgard might have been tired. The fact that the ex-mercenary reacted negatively might have applied another layer of stress to the poor girl. Byleth pinched the bridge of her nose.

‘ Think, Byleth, think! ’

“...”

Another examination was conducted upon the royal figure. She had just returned from a tactical meeting with the other Black Eagle Strike Squad members… Knowing Hanneman, he would have rambled enough to put them to sleep had it not been for the fierce warfare. Then, a light bulb went off.

“Come, Edelgard,” Byleth extended her hand out. “I think it’s time you relax for a bit.”

The statement threw Edelgard into a loop. She blinked. Thereafter, the white-haired shook her head.

“I think I’ve relaxed plenty enough with you, Professor.”

That is true to an extent. Many tea party sessions were hosted, many shared meals for lunch, and there was even the occasional walk around the monastery as they chatted about unimportant topics. Fresh breath of air, it seems! Edelgard cannot call to mind if she had ever experienced these events after her instructor had vanished. Not that it mattered anyway. She has Byleth here and now, even if she is a little different. So long as Byleth was by her side, her heart could be put to rest.

Not bothering to argue with the lord, the teal-haired took ahold of Edelgard’s armored hand. The vermillion noble widens her eyes as Byleth faintly smiled.

“Nothing wrong with taking another evening off, don’t you think? The war may still go on, but that doesn’t mean you should overwork yourself.”

Right on the nail. As someone who had just preached to her professor about overworking, it appears that she has much to learn about the valuable trait. Edelgard felt the temperature rise from her head as she dragged her sight elsewhere.

“Should we have another tea time then?”

Byleth shook her head.

“I think a hot bath would be better.”

“Must we?”

“Yes.”

Edelgard didn’t even have a chance to reciprocate with a reaction. The sword-wielder easily pulled her out of the greenhouse. If anything, this might also ease the adverse effects on her mental state… and Byleth is willing to do just about anything to get rid of it.

Before long, they found themselves inside of the famous bath and sauna structure. It might have been a bit early for a dip in the hot water. The sun was still high up in the sky, barely any clouds shielding the alumni and professor from its harsh rays. However, everyone in the monastery has to thank the architect for constructing a building dedicated to the sauna and baths.

Located on the second story of the open monastery, soldiers and alumni happily splurged in the bath. Not only are there two open baths for both sex, there are also private sauna rooms for those wishing to sweat their stress away. It was the perfect short-term getaway. Nothing beats cleansing one's regrets and sins too, even if it is a temporary alleviation. Fortunately for the two, the only person present was Shamir.

“Hm? Isn’t it too early for a bath?”

The dark-haired archer questioned as she prepped for a sauna session. Towel over her shoulders, the naked woman bearing various scars sharply stared at the two warriors. (Though her presence seems intimidating, the effect seems to have diminished since the time she betrayed the Knights of Seiros.) Edelgard was busy stripping her armor and clothes in the background as the still-clothed Byleth responded.

“It’s good for relaxing.”

“Don’t stay there too long then. I don’t want to be picking up after your mess.”

Shamir motioned a hand in the air before entering into one of the eight empty sauna rooms. Now that the Dagda woman disappeared from their sight, this prompted the two to quickly enter the female’s open bath.

Regardless of the numerous times they’ve visited this place, they were always in awe of the spacious room. Buckets, soap bars, and shampoo dispensers were neatly organized and placed as if they were living in royalty. (The staff in charge of tidying did an excellent job!) Steam lazily floated in their surroundings. Humidity didn’t hold its punches as it began to tickle their nose. At least sensory adaptation came to their rescue before a sneezing fit becomes reality.

When they dipped their body in the warm water, they both collectively sighed at the same time. Byleth sunk her figure until the surface leveled to her lower neck. She briefly closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

“I needed this.” This cleared up her headaches and could easily prevent her dizziness for the next couple hours or so. She could get used to this. A drowsy episode began to roll its tape as the teal-haired stifled a yawn. “This is making me sleepy though.”

“You must be tired, my teacher.”

The sunken woman turned towards Edelgard. Edelgard had barely leaned against the short ledge, barely sinking into the shallow water. Her eyes were gazing into the distant aimlessly. As she mindlessly rifted through the liquid, the emperor muttered,

“It would do you no good to fall asleep here.”

Byleth chuckled. “Perhaps you can keep me entertained until we finish up here.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m always serious.”

Edelgard finally whipped her head around. When she spotted that cheeky grin on the instructor, the alumni felt a pulse throb from the corner of her head. This Byleth… Was she always this sly? It has been far too long since she can recount her personality. Five years is too big of a gap. Under normal circumstances, the white-haired might be able to retain it. War, especially that in a stalemate with three nations, did a number on her memories. She crossed her arms and pursed her lips.

“Sometimes, I can’t even tell if you are being serious or not.”

What a jab! The ex-mercenary could not help but flash another smile at her direction.

“I like to think I am.”

“Professor!”

Another jab! This time, it was in the form of a splash! Warm water dripped from her disheveled teal hair ends. The instructor wiped her wet face with a single motion of her hand. A smirk followed afterward. She raised her hand.

“I think a retaliation is in order.”

Splashes after splashes came about. Soft giggles and chuckles emitted from the two Crest users. Although stoic on the outside, Byleth is known to have a little fun with her students; the nickname “Ashen Demon” would eventually be erased in due time.

Alas, playtime must come to an end. There was another reason as to why they visited the bathhouse; they had to wash up and scrub any unwanted materials from their skin. The two eventually volunteered to wash each other’s back. Teasing remarks and stories of their endeavors were exchanged during the wash. After tenderly caring and pampering the older woman, it was Edelgard’s turn to be treated like a queen.

“Those scars…”

Unlike the jagged lines that were strewn on the older woman’s body, there were lumps representing the successful healing of deep lacerations. Sides, back, and small parts of her arms… These hardly looked to be from battle. If anything, the epidermis had recovered its fibrous tissue a little too well. Byleth’s brows furrowed as she fleetingly brushed her fingertips over the sensitive bumps. Edelgard shuddered; her wet clumps of her white locks slowly slipped onto her professor’s moving hand. Without looking back, she answered,

“Hm? Oh, yes, they were from the time I was young… Though I have spoken to you about this, haven’t I?”

‘ She did? ’

Byleth can’t seem to recall. Once again, just like the battle against Rhea, Catherine, and other members from the Church of Seiros, she was back to drawing blank cards. How many times must this happen? A faint palpitation pulsed from behind her eyes, forcing the female to shut down further thoughts on the matter. If anything, she could always discuss it with Sothis once she crosses over.

“...I must’ve forgotten.”

“I see…”

A tinge of disappointment tainted her words. Nevertheless, Edelgard began to recall the times of her childhood. Traumatic past that no person, let alone a child, should be a part of were spoken. Details far too fine for a sane person’s eardrums were uttered. Inconceivable death tolls and experimentations for the sake of a Crest boiled Byleth’s blood. By the time her tale came to an end, a strong embrace entailed. Edelgard’s pupils stammered in place as she tried to look over her shoulder.

“P-Professor?”

“...”

Byleth had to hug her. She didn’t know the reason behind it, but hearing the history of Edelgard von Hresvelg made her chest ache. It was a potent ache that threatens to split apart her bony plate. The teacher buried her face into the moist shoulder blade.

“...I’m sorry.”

It was an unnatural articulation. Byleth’s words rarely wavered when it comes to delivery. She remains firm and full of conviction with each spoken dialogue. Today, at this moment, the older woman faintly croaked her apology.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

“For your past life.” So much had been explained regarding the two Edelgards. It was no wonder why they refused to opt for a casual summer wear out in public. Even if an unbearable heat threatens to bestow a heat stroke, the females rejected the proposal for a simple attire. She tightened her hold on the girl, almost as if she would disappear any second now. “I would do anything to trade places with you.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but perhaps it is for the best that you did not endure what I have gone through,” Edelgard raised her scarred arm and placed a hand on top of Byleth’s head from behind. It looks as though the role has been reversed, the young female soothing the older. “The last thing I would want is to see my teacher suffer.”

Misery was her middle name, and she wouldn’t dare transfer it over to anyone, especially to her Byleth.

The tender, still moment had stretched for some time before Edelgard began to complain about the heat. This immediately prompted the professor to remove herself from her alumni.

Bath time was finally over. Still, the day was not over. By the time they dried their hair and body, were dressed in their attire, engaged in more banters, spoken to the staff in charge of the building, and reentered the outside world, the sun had settled to sunset. (Shamir had been long gone, which says something.)

Normally, Edelgard would have returned to her duty. As an emperor, spare time was scarce. Byleth wouldn’t allow that. This was a forced day-off from her professor, and the young axe-wielder understood her professor’s intention. Opposing Byleth would be equivalent to opposing an unbreakable wall. She’s certain that everyone, especially Ferdinand, must understand if they were to interrogate of her sudden absence. Besides, there was always room for Edelgard’s favorite activity: tea. She would never miss this when it came to the tactician.

They hosted the private party inside of Edelgard’s chamber in the second-floor dormitory. Tactical concepts and talk about the future often pops up in their conversation. Though Byleth knew that this was not her world, she could not help but be drawn in by the chosen topics. If she were to stay here with Lady Edelgard… the Edelgard that became an emperor, what would their future look like?

“I hope we can stay by each other’s side just like old times, my teacher.”

Like old times… Byleth could not help but slowly nod in response. As the moon eventually traded spot with the sun, so does the sleepy nature trade place with Byleth’s awakened status.

“I think it’s time I go.”

Byleth stretched her arms high up in the air. She now stood by the opened doorway, her yawns becoming a regular customer to her body. Though not much rest might be gained, the least she could do is hop back to her real world. Plenty of discussions must be held with the green-haired too; there was so much ground to cover.

Arms lowered back down to her sides, the professor’s eyes crinkled. She turned her back towards the vermillion royalty.

“Good-night, Edelgard. I will see you tomorrow—”

She felt a tug on her sleeve. One could easily mistaken that to be a child’s action. Unfortunately, it appears that the “child” in question is none other than Edelgard von Hresvelg. Those white gloves she casually wears pinched the dark overcoat and pulled her back. When Byleth glanced over her shoulder, she felt her brows rise. The young lady had a tiny bit of pink tinge fallen upon her cheeks. Head lowered, the white-haired mumbled,

“Could you… stay with me for tonight?”

“Is there something I need to do?”

“No, I… um… I sort of… have these nightmares…”

Nightmares… That’s right. Even back in her world, the younger Edelgard suffered from nightmares. Byleth’s thumbnail began to draw faint lines on her index tip. Unfortunately, the teacher was unable to eliminate the dreams that haunt the poor child. So, how could she say no to that request? It was also rare for a student to ask for a sleepover. The last time she had any, it was with Lysithea back in her world. That hardly counted as a stay as Byleth slept on the creaking chair, overwatching the sickly young girl.

Lilac eyes that yearn for comfort gripped her heart.

Byleth puffed carbon dioxide. She turned around and silently nodded. As if a script was played out, the older female soon found herself on the same mattress as the emperor.

She was not one to be undressed completely, but Edelgard finds comfort in sleeping without her clothes on. A blanket was draped over their bodies; a blessing that the professor did not have to unintentionally ogle at those peaks! She swallowed as her back rest on the cushion. Byleth made sure her navy hues were fixated on the decorated ceiling. Any distraction would be beneficial in this case, especially with regard to the abnormal temperature level flaring her cheeks.

Byleth could feel the heat radiating from her body warming her up underneath the covers. Despite the awkwardness with the emperor sleeping naked next to her, in which she never thought such a day like this would even occur, she finds Edelgard’s body heat rather comforting in a mysterious way. She expected that she would feel more awkward than this.

Edelgard shifted underneath the cover. From the corner of Byleth’s eyes, she spotted a dark piece of clothing peeks out from under the cover. Her curiosity was stroked. She turned to watch the white-haired student.

“You’re hugging a shirt?”

“...you could say that.”

The older female glanced over at the chair opposite of the closest wall. Her overcoat hung over the wooden furniture. Then, she reverted her attention to the ex-house leader. The Adrestian Empire’s noble brought the black piece of clothing close to her chest. (Again, Byleth is thankful for it hiding her fine breasts.) She looks like a small girl despite her age. A small, fragile girl twisted by the cruelty of fate… and right now, Edelgard looks as though she’s giddy about an upcoming field trip. The candlelights from the chandeliers barely shone those pink discolorations on the noble’s cheeks; the shadows flickered in time with the flames.

‘ Cute. ’

She wasn’t sure what took over her. It was as if Byleth’s body moved according to her instincts. She quietly turned over to face towards Edelgard. The emperor slowly looked up and made that peaceful eye contact with Byleth’s teal hues before looking away with reddened cheeks.

“Am I being too close?”

“...No, I… I prefer it like this, actually.”

She was being honest to Byleth, at least. The professor brought up her hand to tuck her bangs behind her ears before gently caressing her smooth cheeks.

This Edelgard before her... something about her was drawing Byleth towards her. She truly reminded Byleth of her radiant youthful Edelgard. Byleth wondered if she pushing too much and being too intimate with the emperor. She could imagine that Sothis would give her an earful lecture later. But she could face the consequences later. Right now, she gave Edelgard her full, undivided attention.

“I’ll chase all of those nightmares away.”

“You promise?”

“I will be here for you. Think of me in your dreams.”

“It sounds like you’re promoting yourself as a good luck charm.”

“I might be.”

Then, the emperor smiled.

That radiant glow from Edelgard…

That big grin from Edelgard…

Those words dripping with nectar from Edelgard…

She snuggled in closer towards Byleth’s chest and the professor’s hand unconsciously rubbed her arm to comfort the sleeping emperor, chasing away the nightmares. She fell asleep before Byleth could be as the professor was too busy evaluating the situation. The smile of the emperor engraved right into her very mind - that was the same radiant glow young Edelgard has. However, something was certainly off about it… something about that smile disturbed her.

‘ She’s smiling… but I feel like she’s smiling at someone else. ’