#like… the only time I cry is when I’m angry anymore… but that point where angry turns to grief you know??

[foxgloveinspace]

I know that no one will be interested in this, but I decided since I knew I wasn’t gonna get much sleep tonight anyway to stay up and watch that movie. Yeah, so, I finally watched Into The Spider-Verse (yes. The First One) and I really liked it!! Which I knew I would, cause spider-man was my earliest ‘long term hyperfixation’. Now you maybe be wondering why I haven’t watched since it’s been out for *checks the calendar* 5 years. Damn. The answer??? There isn’t one. I have adhd what did you expects?! I bought it yesterday and I procrastinated watching it SINCE I WOKE UP THIS MORNING…. Yesterday morning, now.

I got spoiled for so many things, but yet none of the important parts?? Which is crazy???

Anyway, I bought the combo pack so I’m gonna watch the second one in the morning, good night y’all.

[divinesolas]

Ignored

Summary: Based on two requests; You had been best friends with Jacaerys since you were kids. But when he gets a girlfriend and joins the football team in college your whole life gets turned upside down and he's suddenly ditched you. A year after you are confronted by him and emotions spill to the surface.

w.c: 2.7k

c.w: Porn with plot, sub!jace, hand job, overstimulation, p in v, unprotected sex (WRAP IT UP), car sex, im not good at angry sex or mean stuff guys so sorry,

masterlist

One year. one fucking year since you’ve last spoken to him. You never imagined the two of you would end up like this.

He gets on the college football team and gets some hot girlfriend and suddenly he’s too good for you. You doubt he’s even noticed. It was slow to start, he started being busy during your weekly hang outs, then it would slip his mind to text you back, then he just suddenly stopped texting you. You had been replaced, you would always spend the holidays with his family but this past year you had seen Lucerys post on his insta holiday pictures and she was there instead. Everyone else in his family had reached out to you at some point. usually something along the lines of a happy holidays and that they hoped to see you soon, that they missed you. They even wished you happy birthday. He didn’t.

You had gotten to the point you stopped answering his family's texts, it made you feel sick when Lucerys asked if you would come to his birthday party and you didn’t have the heart to reply to him. You stopped checking their socials, even going as far as to mute them but you didn’t have the heart to unfollow them. then it would get too real, that the people you’ve considered family since you were basically a baby were no longer around.

You wish you didn’t miss him. You wish when started at your aunts gravestone he was not the face that appeared in your mind when you wished you had someone to comfort you. She had died six months ago, you hadn’t even bothered to text him about it. He met her a couple times, but its not like he would care now.

You do not cry for her anymore. Having come far enough in your grief, but you feel yourself come to a halt when you are walking through the graveyard and are stopped by a familiar family.

“Y/n?” You feel a knot grow in your throat. Why were they here? you could see lucerys was holding some flowers. “Hello.” What else are you supposed to say? You are frozen in place as lucerys walks over and throws his arms around you. “I missed you.” You try not to let your tears spill down your face as Lucerys pulls back and looks at you alarmed, “Are you okay?”

You laugh and cover your face with your hands, unable to even describe what you’re feeling. “You’re so tall.” Your voice cracks as you speak and he slaps you on the shoulder. “’Course i am, had to get taller than mr prince charming over there.”

You don’t want to look at him. You wish he was not even there. But you cannot help yourself the way your eyes drift to where Lucerys is referring to and you wish you hadn’t. He is as beautiful as he was the last day you saw him, he looks like he just came out of a romcom, a long trench coat covering him and a bouquet of flowers in his hands. You have no clue what he’s thinking, his face giving nothing away, cant take your eyes off him. The way his eyes have a gloss over them as he takes a couple steps towards you.

You swiftly turn away from his and notice rhaenyra standing at your side and she reaches out a grips your forearm. “It is so wonderful to see you dear.” You nod and smile at her, “It is always a pleasure Ms. Targaryen.” she hits your arm, “You stay away for a couple months and suddenly I’m Ms. Targaryen, call me rhaenyra dear you know better.” You want to correct her, tell her its been over a year. yet you don't, only nodding and apologizing to her.

“What are you doing here?” Its the first words he’s said to you in god knows how long. You swear your knees almost crumple at the sound of his voice. You want to punch him, spit in his face, you wish you hated him. “My aunt died.” You spit at the ground, you voice coming out angrier than you indented it to.

The people around you immediately flood around to give their condolences. You thank them, Lucerys especially kept you in a deep hug and mentioned how they came today to see rhaenyra's father but they'll make sure to stop by your aunt’s grave.

He says nothing. nothing at all. You hate him. You hate him so much. But you cant say no when they ask if you’ll join them to see viserys and your aunt. you cant even say no when they offer you to join them for dinner.

you two say nothing to each other, not until you say you’ll drive in your car on the way there and turn to walk towards it, still having the map to their house memorized until you are stopped, a hand gripping on your forearm.

“Can i ride with you?” You don't turn around to look at him. Continuing to stare straight ahead, your heart and head churning. You want to tell him no, that you don't wish to ever even see him again. “Please.”

“Fine.”

But you're a pussy. the biggest punk in the whole world as you watch him slide into the passenger seat as you close the drivers door. A silence fills the space between you two, you don't want to speak, a part of you hopes it will stay that way.

“What happened with us?” You harshly break at the red light and whip your head towards him. Rage boiling at your skin as you hiss at him, “What happened? What do you mean what happened? You're the one who ditched me!”

“What the fuck are you taking about?” “Oh so you’re just gonna act like you didn't fucking stop talking to me after you a girlfriend? What is her name? i don't even fucking know because you never introduced us.” A loud honk behind you forced you to turn your head away from him and back on the road, you swear your knuckles turned white from the pressure you were squeezing it.

“i-” “No. Because you know what Jace. Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid face and your stupid girlfriend and your stupid friends because you fucking left me. You have no reason to sit around and ask me what the fuck happened between us because it was all because of you. i put in the effort to reach out i even sent you a fucking gift for your birthday because you couldn't spare the time to hang with me and you don't even text me a happy fucking birthday?!? Fuck you man.”

Your hands slam down on the wheel in frustration as you clench your jaw, the fucking nerve of this guy. You don’t even spare him another glance and he doesn't dare to say anything else for awhile. the drive is long, they were buried far out from your homes so the drive was over an hour.

it takes twenty minutes before he says anything. “I’m sorry.” It comes out strained, if you looked at him he would probably be crying but you do not dare look at him. “I wish i could explain to you why i did it, why i acted like that. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry i just think i liked the attention, i liked having people fawn over me. And her, fuck i don't know, i liked her sure, but she fucking cheated on me with one of the guys on the team, told me she only got with me to get closer to him. Its not an excuse, i should have never put what we had down the drain for someone that never really mattered because you, you matter to me more than anyone else. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, ill say it forever because i don't deserve your forgiveness.”

You pull over into a road side parking lot because you couldn't see the road anymore. Your eyes filled with tears as your shoulders shook with silent sobs, “I am sorry i made you feel this way, that you couldn't even come to me when she died, i liked it, i remember she gave me the toy car display i still have in my room fuck i can't even imagine how you must feel. I miss you. I miss you so much.”

You put your head against the wheel and allow yourself to sob. This is all you’ve wanted to hear for so long that now you have no clue how to feel. You want to tell him to fuck off. That he has no reason to be begging for your forgiveness now.

“Jacaerys,” You swear you hear it wrong, that you must be confused. He whimpers. “No please,” “Its dragged out in a way that has your stomach churning and you shift in your seat. “Don’t call me Jacaerys, Jace please.”

You must be strong. You cannot give into to his sad puppy eyes and cries. Yet you look over to him and feel your resolve crumble. He has tears streaming down his face. He’s looking at you. Has he been looking at you this whole time? “You left me Jace.” He lets out a trembled breath as he dares with shaky hands to grab yours. “I'm sorry. I will beg you to forgive me till the end of time because i will never deserve it. I need you.”

Your heart pounds against your chest as the two of you stare at one another. You feel your hands shake in his grip as the two of you unknowingly move closer to each other.

“I realized after i found out what she had done i was more upset about the fact you were not there more than anything. She had begged me to take her back but the only thing i could think about was you. I was so stupid and so blind i will never forgive myself. You are everything to me.”

“Jace,” He cups your cheeks and lets out a trembled breath, “I was a fool to let you go. I will never make that mistake again,” You cannot believe what is happening, he does not truly mean what you think he’s saying does he? “I had months to think it over. I am so madly in love with you. If you do not feel the same i will act like this never happened and we can just go back to being friends or even if you cannot stomach being around me we can just never talk but-”

He lets out a surprised moan as you shove your lips against his and eagerly pressed his lips against yours. He a lot more vocal than you had expected him to be, eagerly humming against your lips as his hands have moved to your neck.

He lets out a shocked gasp when you push him back into his seat and looks at you with wide eyes as you climb over his lap, pulling the level to have him lay over his back and simply stare at him as you hover above him. He whimpers as you grab the front of his shirt and pull him towards your face, “This is for me. Not you. Right?” He eagerly nods, more than willing to take anything you’ll give him.

He whines as you unbutton his black dress pants and waste no time shoving your hand past his boxers and gripping onto his dick. His head is thrown backwards as you rub your thumb against his tip, ignoring his mumbles until enough precum has dripped down onto your hand before you begin vigorously pumping him up and down.

You do not stop even as he’s asking you to slow down. Well you do, but it is always right before he’s about to come. You do this again. and again. and again. He feels like he’s about to burst, the stimulation is too much for him to bare.

“Please.” You tilt your head at him as he grips the front of your button down shirt. “What do you want?” Your words are spoken like he a stranger approaching you on the street, he whimpers and shoves his head into your chest, his tears threatening to spill out. “Please,���

“awe are you so fucked out you have no clue what you’re talking about huh?” He’s babbling nonsense as you feel his tears pool into your shirt. You fully remove your hands off him for the fourth time and he thinks he might crack. “Please no I’m sorry I’m sorry please please just let me,,” His words trail off as he watches you fully release him from his pants and boxers, his breath shaky as he watches you pool up your shirt and move to hover above him.

“Please please.” “Shut the fuck up.” He whimpers as his tip presses against your folds but you don’t him in enter yet, simply allowing his tip to be dragged up and down your slit. He throws his head back as the tears continue to flow down his face, he can’t take this, his hips rise up to try and thrust into you but you hold him down and spit at him. “You don’t know how to behave slut.”

He lets out a surprised gurgle of sounds when you suddenly slam all the way down onto him and lightly slap him across the face. “Are you happy now slut? You happy your little loser friend is fucking you stupid?”

He can barely speak as you begin to bounce up and down on him. He’s dreamed of this for much longer than he’d like to admit but this is much better than anything he could have imagined. The way your lightly let out sounds of delight are like music to his ears. He wishes he could say something but over the heat that flows over his body and the way he feels your hands slip under his shirt and begin to rub up and down his chest he can’t find the words.

He keeps his hands at his side, not knowing if he is allowed to touch you not wishing to upset you more than he already has. You notice the way his hands twitch and slightly raise as if he wants to reach out to you. You slow down for a moment to grab his hands and place them on your chest, a wordless exchange between the two of you as he stares at you in wonder. So much love fills his gaze you almost flush with embarrassment. You begin to pick up your pace once again as he fondles you over your clothes.

The pit grows larger in his stomach much faster than he would like but due to the overstimulation and the overflowing of emotions he’s on the edge. “I’m so close.”

“Hold it.” He whines and watches as one of your hands slip under your skirt, “You think you should be allowed to cum before me?” He shakes his head, of course not, he doesn’t deserve too.

He swears he almost cums from your blissed out face alone, but he is surprised he manages to contain himself until he feels you throb and your essence drips around him. You slowly lift off him and pump him until his cum drips down your hands.

The car windows are foggy, you have no clue how long you’ve been out here but the sun as begun to set as you allow yourself to fall against his chest, feeling the way his heart beats erratically as his arms come to wrap around you.

“I don’t forgive you,” He feels his heart drop as he gulps, bracing himself for you to lift off him and drop him off at his house, never to speak to him again. “But i think i can one day, you just have to take me out on a couple dates first.”

He grins.

Perm Jacaerys taglist

@tyronesien @itsbookworm987 @cruelworldlana @smurfelle @ireneispunk @hxtd @venmondiese @urmomsgirlfriend1 @aegonswife @jacesvelaryons

[imbored1201]

You’ll Never Change

Word Count: 1.3k

Paring: Alexia Putellas x Reader

Happy Birthday to the best Fortnite player ever @greynatomy

You lied again. Alexia was sick of you always lying. You promised you were just hanging out with friends; instead, you went back to the bar. A place you swore to Alexia you would never go again. 

Right when she entered, she spotted you. Giggling over something some guy next to you said. You shook her head, going to your side and tapping your shoulder to get your attention. 

“Oh, my girlfriend!” You yelled, “This is the girlfriend,” the guy, who was also drunk, waved at Alexia. You always seemed to have a new friend when she picked you up. 

“Let’s go,” she said sternly. She was angry. You both had training in 6 hours, but you had no care for it, spending your night at the bar. 

“Not yet; we’re placing bets,” she groaned, and you went back to now discussing “business” with the man. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” you heard her say. You didn’t know who, but you didn’t care. Before you could get your phone out to give the guy your number, Alexia snatched it and grabbed you by your hand to lead you out. 

You tried pulling your hand away from Alexia, wanting to go back inside. "Enough,” you huffed, just listening. “No fun.” Once she got you into the car, she stood there for a couple of seconds. 

She was exhausted; she didn’t know what to do to help you anymore, and even then, whatever she tried, it wouldn’t help. 

“Why did you lie to me?” She shoved the water bottle into your hand. 

You refused to look at her, only continuing to drink the water she gave you. “I don’t know,” you muttered. “You told me you were going out with Lucy.” You simply shrugged, not in the mood to talk now. 

“Mierda,” she muttered. It was like her breaking point; with everything going on with her knee, she just couldn’t deal with your crap right now. The car ride was silent, with her occasionally looking at you to make sure you weren’t going to be sick. 

————

“Sit on the couch.” She was just glad you were actually listening to her this time. 

She teared up, grabbing her phone and walking to the kitchen. You just hummed to yourself, drinking the water. 

“Mapi, I’m sorry, I just—yes, she’s at it again.” You tried standing up, wanting to go to bed, quickly tripping over yourself. 

“Sit down,” she said sternly. "Sleep,” you slurred, listening to her. “You can sleep later; just wait for Mapi.” 

“Is Ingrid coming to?” “I’m sure she will.” 

————

Alexia let out a sigh of relief when she heard the knock at the door. The past 10 minutes were nothing but awkward silence; she refused to look at you, only staring at her phone while you sat on the couch. 

“Where is she?” Mapi asked as she and Ingrid walked in. "Couch,” Ingrid went to get you while Mapi brought Alexia in for a hug. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Alexia finally let her tears fall. She watched as Ingrid helped you stand up. 

“I’m sorry, Mapi; I didn’t want to disturb you guys. I just need a break.” Alexia loved you too much to leave you while you were going through this. She wanted to help you so badly, but it was hard considering you refused to get proper help.

Every time she confronted you about it, you would spend the night crying in her arms, promising you would get help, and begging her not to leave you. It never happened. 

She felt dumb for even staying this long, for defending your actions every time someone on the team brought it up. Leaving important meetings to pick you up and having to cancel some to take care of you. 

————

"Bye, amor,” you said happily to her, giving her a kiss on the cheek as you let Ingrid help you out the door.  

When that door finally shut, Alexia let go, and with shaky hands, she grabbed her phone once again, this time calling her mom. 

"Mama,” her voice broke as she spoke. "Mama, I need you; it’s Y/N again; I don’t know how to help her anymore.” She wiped her eyes as she listened to what her mom had to say. 

The next thing she knew, she was packing her bags up to stay with her mom, knowing she would likely not be coming back. 

————

“Don’t give me that look,” you told Mapi as you walked out of the spare room. “Then don’t be a dumbass and make your girlfriend cry.” You had already sent Alexia an apology text. 

“Where’s Ingrid?” “Taking Alexia out on a spa day,” you collapsed on Mapi’s couch. You smiled at her as she sat down next to you, your smile fading when you saw that rare, serious look on her face. That look was only meant for the pitch. 

“You don’t realize how many people you're hurting." It was heartbreaking to Mapi as well; you were her sister, and some say you two were the same exact person too. 

“You have an amazing woman, Chica; she’s stayed this long because she really wants to help you. It’s unfair to her that you aren’t putting in the same work.” 

“I don’t know what to do, Mapi,” you whispered. “You need to get help." She put an arm around your shoulder. 

“You need to get actual help, Hermana; you can’t just say you will and ignore it after." “I will, I promise.” 

————

You did just that; you announced that you were taking a break from football. Everyone was shocked at the announcement; you obviously hadn’t even told your teammates about your plan. Not even Alexia. 

You didn’t think there was any point in telling her; seeing her bags packed up three days after returning to the apartment was enough for you to know she was done with you. You couldn’t blame her. 

You knew it would be tough leaving Barcelona, but after talking with Leah, you felt more comfortable with your final decision. She offered you a place to stay and even got you connected with someone to talk to. 

You held in your tears, saying goodbye to Mapi and Ingrid. “Mapi. Look after her for me.” Mapi nodded, giving you a tight hug and trying to stop tears from coming out of her eyes. 

“Don’t replace me,” you joked. “You’ll always be my partner in crime, but please take care of yourself.” You nodded and went to hug Ingrid. 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” you smirked at that. “I can’t promise you anything; just make sure Mapi doesn’t replace me.” 

————

“Did you eat my candy again?” "No,” Leah scoffed, tackling you. "Yes, you did,” you grunted, shoving her. "No, I didn't.”

Three months have passed, and you were still struggling a bit. Thankfully for you, you had Leah there to knock sense into you and give you comfort when you really needed it. 

You still hadn’t gotten into contact with Alexia; when you left, she was finally able to heal. You got updates through Mapi, who told you how Alexia was traveling a lot now with her family. 

You realized all you were doing was holding her back from doing that stuff. Alexia had always talked about traveling the world with you, just the two of you. 

You grabbed your phone, you hated how you still thought about her. You redownloaded Instagram and went straight to her account. You teared up as you looked at all her posts. She looked so happy. 

She was never that happy around you; she was always worried you would go off and do something stupid. She never got any sleep waiting for you when you went out, knowing you would end up calling her in a couple of hours to pick you up. 

“You shouldn’t do that to yourself." Leah told you as she watched you go to the photos. “I miss her.” 

Leah said nothing, simply hugging you close and letting you cry. “I didn’t deserve her, Leah.”

You didn’t deserve Alexia Putellas, and you hoped one day she would find the love she truly does deserve. 

[yujinnieswifeu]

Hi I loved your bully wonyoung x gp!reader. I wanted to request a part 2 to it only if your up for it of course.

a/n: gonna combine these two requests since it’s kinda the same thing :3, and yes i can def write a part 2 to that hehe, thanks for requesting anons, had fun writing them 🤭 (someone needs to teach me how to align things properly in tumblr thanks🚶🏻‍♀️)

pairings: g!p fem reader x Wonyoung

warnings: smut, reader has a penis, Y/n cums inside Wony, Wony spitting inside of Y/n’s mouth (just once🥹)

Link to part 1:

———————————————————————————

When Wonyoung said she was not going to be as easy as the previous time, you did not expect her to keep her promise. So here you were now, in her bedroom, your hands and legs bound to the bedposts as she plays with your red and throbbing cock. “P-please can’t take it a-anymore…ahh!” You cried out for the millionth time, Wonyong has a magic wand in her hand as she tortured you to no ends. She only smirks deviously, enjoying the way your body jerks when she drags the tip of the magic wand onto your now swollen and angry tip, your breathy moans and babbles music to her ears.

“Fucking desperate bitch.” She mutters, finally pulling the vibrating toy off you. You let out a whimper, hips jerking slightly from the harsh stimulation and endless edging. “W-wony-” “Don’t call me by my name whore, it’s mistress to you, understand?” She cuts you and you nod your head desperately, pulling at the binds around your wrists as you let out a pained cry. “I-i want to cum so b-bad please!” You begged, she just chuckles at your desperation, swiping her phone out from her back pocket to capture your messed up state. “So pretty like this..” she mutters to herself, watching how you were struggling against the binds.

“Aww, is it too much for you?” Her voice was laced with faux sympathy, pouting as she nears you. You could only muster a whimper, watching as she drops her skirt to the floor, noticing how her panties has clung to her bare pussy, a damp spot between her legs. She was enjoying this as much as you. She drags her panties off slowly, satisfied when she sees you squirm on the bed. She hovers over your face this time, her hand moves down your stomach to the base of your cock, wrapping it over her fingers. You couldn’t help but jerk your hips, moaning as your eyes rolls to the back of your head at the stimulation, you were so sensitive at this point. “Move again and i’ll stop.” You whine out in response, tears prickling at your eyes as you reluctantly obeyed.

“You know what to do right pup?” Her nickname was driving you insane, the throbbing between your legs only intensifying. You start to give her small licks, watching how her breath hitches, how she has bit her bottom lip, trying to suppress her moans. “T-that’s right, good puppy.” She mocks, moving her hand up and down slowly over your cock, it makes you moan, the vibration adding to the pleasure. “Fuck, i guess your mouth is only good for one thing huh?” Her hand leaves your throbbing member, and your whimper comes out muffled as you eat her out.

Instead, her soft and slender fingers finds purchase in your hair, riding herself over your face. You could feel yourself getting even harder at the sight, letting her use you as she pleases. “F-fuck, i’m going to cum...a-ahh!” Wonyoung body jerks as she comes all over your face, you moan against her, feeling yourself being brought over the edge without any stimulation, your body shuddering underneath her and she realises what has happened. “Fuck…you really are such a loser aren’t you? Cumming without me touching you even.” She rasps out, now sliding herself off you instead, going down to where you had cummed all over yourself.

“Be my slut hm?” Her eyes locked onto yours, like a silent communication, you bit your bottom lip nervously, your cheeks turning red. “Aww, did what i say make you all flustered?” She faux a pout your way, and you only whimper in response, squirming at the restraints still. “Answer me and maybe, i’ll untie you…depending on the answer of course.” She gives you a wicked smirk, one that could make any other stranger shiver with fear, but it only makes you throb harder for her. “Y-yes..” You stutter, feeling your cheeks turn hot at the thought of being her plaything. And she didn’t really give you a choice either. “That’s a good slut.” She grabs your jaw, her face hovers yours. “Open.” Wonyoung orders, and you obey her, parting your lips as she spits into your mouth. “Swallow.” Her voice was lower than usual, watching as you swallow obediently. She could definitely get used to this.

“Since you’re so good for me…i’ll let you lead this time.” She undoes your binds, and almost instantly your hands were on her, pushing her back against the bed, your head in her hair as you take a deep breath of her, her scent evading your senses as you whine against her neck. “Can i please put it in?” You asked so nicely, so how could Wonyoung even refuse. Her hand goes down to stroke your cock that was covered in your pre-cum and cum from earlier, causing you to jerk a little, your brows furrowing as you moan against her skin. “Didn’t i say you can lead this time hm?” You shiver at her words, it all sounded too good to be true, but even if so, you would take the chance.

Without another word, you slipped yourself inside of her, you hear her let out a groan at the stretch, her fingers at the back of your neck as she brought your face to hers, kissing you deeply. It was the first time Wonyoung showed you affection, and to be honest, you liked it. “I-i need to cum soon!” You cry out, already near your high from all the edging earlier, and feeling even more sensitive as her walls flutters more around you, she brings your hand to play at her clit, and you moan at how wet she was for you. “Gonna c-cum! C-can i cum please mistress?” It comes out desperate, your hips moving in a sloppy manner as you near your orgasm. “F-fuck yes, come inside of your mistress..!” Wonyoung orders, feeling your hips stuttering as you cum inside of her. Your fingers rubbing circles at her clit and the feeling of your cum inside of her makes her cum as well, a whimper falling past her lips as she drags her nails over your back.

You had your face buried into her neck, inhaling her scent mixed with the smell of sex, not pulling out yet. She took this time to catch her breath, her fingers in your hair comfortingly. “I…i was serious about what i said earlier.” She mutters, feeling you shift as you look up at her, the back of your head resting against her shoulder. She tries not to smile at how cute you looked at that moment, realising she might have just fallen in love with you, this you, and she could get used to it. “You mean….uh..to be y-your slut?” You murmur the last part, feeling your cheeks heat up again, and she giggles.

It was genuine this time, how she looked at you, she was being real. “That too of course, but i mean..maybe..i want to get to know you more.” She says plainly, it wasn’t usual of her to be so nice to you, and since she was your bully, or used to be, it was even harder to believe this was even happening, but it was. You set that thought aside for now, noticing how it was Wonyoung’s turn to turn red, but instead of teasing her, you gave her soft kisses along her neck, burrowing your face into her neck. “That sounds really nice.”

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 11

you’ve been such a pain in my ass.

you’re the most fascinating person i’ve ever known.

can you stop needing to be the hero here?

people don’t just disappear. 

we are saying goodbye. just not to each other. we’re saying goodbye to everything else, our old lives.

everything that kept us safe is gone.

i would rather prepare for the worst before the worst happens.

i am basically 100% headache right now.

you’re the only one who ever let me feel normal.

maybe i suck too. i just don’t know how yet.

i’m not choosing anyone. i’m choosing work over play.

doesn’t it feel like everyone wants us to be someone we’re not?

a sleepover? am i invited?

it has to be you. you’re all we’ve got.

you know me. we know each other.

it’s called keeping up with the times, asshole.

but fuck all of you, and i mean that.

people don’t usually follow my lead, if you know what i mean.

there’s nothing wrong with us.

i want your point of view on things.

you’re killing me. you get that, right? that’s what you’re asking me. to die for you.

i’ll follow your rules. that’s all you get.

i’d love to trade witty one-liners with you.

you’re the worst. you know that, right?

today is the first time in my life that feels like the right time.

there is a point to everything. there are answers.

god doesn’t just play games with people for fun.

the sun just keeps coming up every day, and you can’t cry forever. 

you have to have hope, don’t you? because who knows. maybe tomorrow.

you don’t get to decide what matters.

a lot of what’s happening is us being scared, and alone, and bored. so we do scary things to each other, we hurt each other. 

it’s like she wants to turn the whole world upside down.

who’s been there for you more than me?

bullshit. we’re not the same person.

you didn’t pick me. because you didn’t think i belonged.

if i had to pick anyone in the world when things got bad, i’d pick you.

this isn’t about us. this has nothing to do with us.

there is no us. because of everything.

i love you. i know i don’t always show it, but i do. i love you.

the universe does not care about your love life.

i’m not sad. i’m pissed off.

you say too many things you don’t mean.

i’ve thought a lot about dying. i’ve gotten used to that. but i don’t like to be afraid.

sometimes when i’m angry, i want to hurt people.

i’m worried that i’m not real.

all you can do is have an advantage, and this is mine. it’s all i have.

what i did is not the worst crime in the world.

given everything, can’t i get a tiny break?

why? what’s so special about me?

are we going to fight each other over food? that’s fucking crazy.

you can live wherever you want, just not with me.

we should get some food, before it’s all gone.

what if things don’t go back to the way they were?

don’t give me a fucking speech. you have no idea.

i guess i can learn to get along with a few more people.

what’s so hard about being honest with yourself?

it’s been ten days. i’m not the same person i was.

if there are things that need to be done, i want to do them.

there are no sides anymore.

you’re the best decision i’ve ever made.

we’re the same. you have to stick with your own.

i’m scared, and i have to take care of myself.

i live in your shadow, and now you suddenly want to disappear?

you know that you’re the love of my life? and whatever comes after this.

if this is it, this is where i want to be. i mean not here, but with you. you’re where i want to be.

i was a different person before we fell in love.

thank you. for loving me. 

right now, we could use all the love we can get. 

you get scared, and you get mean.

is this how you want to spend the time you have left? always looking over your shoulder?

you’re giving me a headache instead of having my back.

it’s just, sometimes i know what i want, i just don’t know how to say it.

the only feelings that anyone cares about are yours. 

people keep dying around me.

i feel really lucky to have you. you’re my rock.

the end is none of your business.

i like you exactly the way you are.

i’m so sick of feeling different from everyone else.

after “fuck you,” i don’t have much.

i think about you too much.

i don’t think about you.

i’m not scared. i’m just realistic.

it feels like i’ve been starting forever.

no one cares about the best player on the worst team.

i’m tired of losing. i just don’t know what to do.

that’s hopelessly romantic. and this isn’t hopeless.

i haven’t been happy all year. why start now?

i’m sorry i can’t turn off my feelings whenever you want.

seems like everything i do hurts your feelings.

i care about you. i just don’t know how to prove it.

i like who i am in your eyes. i like how you see me.

i’m not sure i like myself in a relationship.

i’m way easier to replace.

when it ends, it’ll hurt.

the right thing is just to be here with you.

death is not beautiful, it’s final.

i keep failing everyone, and i don’t know what to do.

i don’t feel sad. i feel numb.

i ask people if they’re all right too much.

you never needed me. you needed someone.

i made myself sick to make you feel better.

this whole time i thought it was dying, but it’s living what scares you

you’re afraid to commit, and i need constant validation. 

you don’t belong here. not after what you did.

there is no mystery here. nothing to avenge.

i made a wish, and it came true, and i couldn’t take it back.

he was a bad person and a worse father. the world is better off without him.

you never know when to stop, do you?

you do whatever it takes to survive. or you die.

you think i didn’t try everything to get back to my family?

[writingonleaves]

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future. 

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior. 

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise. 

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it. 

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly? 

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us. 

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right? 

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days,  I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when. 

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag. 

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck) 

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other. 

Yet we still hurt each other. 

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did. 

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional. 

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down. 

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better. 

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured. 

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for? 

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always. 

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to. 

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you. 

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you. 

I do. 

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too. 

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend. 

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen. 

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. 

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now. 

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too. 

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday. 

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago. 

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered. 

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this. 

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed. 

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore. 

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween. 

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there. 

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me. 

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond. 

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known. 

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd. 

I looked for you in every crowd for years. 

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me? 

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months. 

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then. 

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that. 

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me. 

Or maybe not. 

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized. 

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack 

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. 

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important. 

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome. 

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on. 

I hope you're moving on. 

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight. 

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met. 

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up. 

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day. 

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door. 

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that. 

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles. 

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t. 

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city. 

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster. 

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city. 

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too. 

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee. 

Jeremy walks into the book store. 

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red. 

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her. 

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything. 

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways. 

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with. 

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same. 

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out. 

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all. 

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence. 

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does. 

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.” 

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..” 

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?” 

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan, 

i still love you too. 

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours, 

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused. 

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

[daddyslilchickenfingers2]

Kinktober (reuploaded)

Jealousy (Chris)

Request: y/n’s been flirting with dudes at a party and chris likes her so gets really possessive and spanks her when she says she loves his big hands on her body and she makes a mess all over his thigh + just a full fic of chris fucking reader doggy style (like i just know that man LOVES doggy) —> or maybe even like times where chris fucked u doggy like the one time u guys did it in front of a mirror, the one time he bend u over the couch etc

Warnings: spanking, doggy style, jealous Chris, slight angst, fighting, daddy kink

Chris’ pov

I really had no right to be jealous, it’s not like Y/n is my girlfriend, she’s my best friend. My kind, beautiful, funny, sexy, and single best friend. Plus it’s a party, all the single people were dancing and grinding on each other, overall having a great time. Well, everyone but me. I stood there in the corner, tightly gripping onto my near-empty Pepsi can as I watched her from across the room. Swaying her hips to the song with some random guy behind her, he was staring at her curves that her dress perfectly showed. I couldn’t take it anymore, I hate seeing her with other guys, especially ones we don’t know. I abandoned my now empty Pepsi can and made my way onto the dance floor to get Y/n. I was going to take her home since were only a few blocks away from her house, we needed to talk. As I approached her and the guy, I noticed his hands were now on her hips, trying to pull her back against him and I got even more angry.

Y/n’s pov

I was at a random influencers house party that was only a couple blocks away from my house just hanging out and dancing when some guy asked if I’d dance with him. He was honestly pretty cute so I obviously said yes, even as the songs got more sexual. I felt his hands on my hips and I was going to start grinding on him because a girls gotta have some fun, but before I could, I felt him get pushed off of me. I turned around to be face-to-face with my best friend. “Chris! What the fuck are you doing!?” I yelled at him over the music. I watched as the guy, whose name I didn’t catch, stumbled back towards Chris, looking ready to fight. He was definitely drunk, but me and Chris were completely sober as we don’t drink or smoke. Instead of causing a scene, Chris just grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the door. He was walking incredibly fast and I could barely keep up with him due to my heels. “Chris, slow down! Where are we going!?” I yelled at him once again, completely unaware of what was happening.

“Shut up we’re going home! C’mon, it’s cold out here you’re going to get sick” he said pulling me faster until I yanked my arm away and stopped. “What the fuck is your problem Chris!? I was having a good time in there!” I yelled again, getting frustrated. “Would you stop fucking yelling! Jesus Christ, let’s go!” he slightly raised his voice, getting irritated. “Not until you tell me what’s going on!” I said sternly. We were only about a block and a half away from my house at this point but I still wanted to know why he pulled me away from the party and why he was so angry. “I���ll tell you when we get to your house! Now are you going to walk like a fucking adult or do I need to carry you?” he asked in a condescending tone, making me feel small. “Fuck you Christopher! Don’t fucking talk to me you asshole!” I yelled, harshly shoving him. After that, I just started walking as fast as I could towards my house, trying not to cry.

I don’t know what’s going on or why he’s acting like this but I don’t like it, this isn’t my Chris. I could hear his footsteps getting increasingly louder from behind me as he ran to catch up with me while I held onto myself, trying to keep warm in the crisp night air. I could hear Chris’ heavy breathing and footsteps right behind me now, as he stood there processing what happened after I shoved him. “Y/n! Y/n, wait! I’m sorry, I’m an asshole, I know! Just let me explain!” he tried pleading with me. We got to my door and I put the code in to unlock it, standing in the doorway and looking at him furiously. “Explain what!? That you’re fucking possessive and can never let me have fucking fun if it involves another guy!? Just fuck off Chris, go home, I’m done with you!” I screamed, letting my anger get the best of me as I slammed the door in his face. I took off my shoes and sat on the couch before I started crying. Thank god I was only really wearing waterproof mascara and some powder on my face, otherwise I’d look like a wreck.

Chris’ pov

I fucked up… I knew that the second she pushed me, I had gone too far. I can’t help it, when it comes to her, I lose the ability to communicate my emotions and just fuck everything up. I just wanted to explain where I was coming from but she slammed the door in my face. She slammed it so hard that her neighbor, an older, gay gentleman in his late 40s, came out to make sure everything was okay. “Christopher? What happened, is Y/n okay?” he asked, relieved to see me outside the door and not some random creep. “I fucked up Rick, I fucked up so bad and I think I might’ve just lost my best friend” I told him before explaining everything that happened. He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled a bit, “Sounds like you’re in love kid. I want you to go in there and make things right, go tell her why you did what you did, and express your feelings. If I know Y/n, she’s in there scared to death of losing you, she loves you more than you know. Go fix the shit you fucked up” he told me.

I was a bit confused as to what he meant by the second to last sentence, but I thanked him anyways. “Thanks Rick, hopefully I can fix this” I said while shaking his hand. “You got this, good luck kid” he replied as he walked back inside. I took a deep breath before putting the code in and opening the door. I immediately felt like shit as Y/n was crying on FaceTime with Madi, who didn’t go to the party. “Y/n/n…” I tried slowly, Madi heard me and said “I’m gonna hang up now, just hear him out and remember what I told you.“ before yelling “You better fucking fix this Chris!” through the phone. Y/n let out a shaky breath, looking at me with tear filled eyes. I move to sit on the couch with her, keeping my distance. “Before you say anything, let me explain. You’re right, I am possessive over you and I don’t like seeing you with other guys, but it’s because I’m fucking in love with you…” I looked up to see no emotion on her face so I let out a shaky breath and continued.

“I fucked up, I know that. I’m not very good at expressing my emotions when I’m jealous, I just know I don’t want you to be with another guy. I-I want you to be with me. It’s stupid, I get it, and I should’ve just talked to you instead of dragging you down the street. I’m really, really sorry. And I’m sorry I’m in love with you” I explained, knowing I probably sound fucking pathetic. I didn’t dare look up at her, scared of rejection and/or causing her more pain. I did, however, look up at her when I heard her quietly say, “I’m not” “What?” I asked confused. She scooted closer to me, “I’m not sorry that you’re in love with me, because it makes it a lot easier to do this” she said before she cupped both sides of my face and kissed me, hard. She kissed me until we were out of breath and forced to pull away. The next thing that came out of her mouth shocked me and sent a shiver down my spine. “I deserve a punishment for not hearing you out and purposely making you jealous, don’t ya think?” she asked seductively, her innocent big y/e/c eyes looking up at me. “W-What?” I asked, wanting to make sure I heard her right, “I think I’ve been bad and deserve to be punished” she teased.

Y/n’s pov

I don’t know why I said what I did, but I was horny and frustrated so it just came out. I looked Chris up and down as he bit his lip, watching his cock slowly grow hard in his pants. I could see the gears in his head turning, trying to figure out if I was fucking with him or not. I was feeling a bit bold and loved the idea of Chris’ big, rough hands on my body, so I leaned it his ear. “Come spank me daddy, I’ve been a bad girl” I whispered before going upstairs to my room. Chris quickly followed behind me, pushing me up against the wall before I got the chance to get on my bed. His hand came up to wrap around my throat, “You’re a little slut aren’t you? Making me jealous on purpose and practically begging me to punish you, how pathetic!” he smirked. I let out a whine after he said that, just wanting to be touched already. “Go get undressed for me baby” he said in a softer tone, pulling away to discard his own shirt and pants.

I quickly got fully naked before shuffling over to Chris, who was sitting on the edge of my bed in his boxers. “So pretty” he muttered as he moved to sit against my headboard. “C’mon, lay across my lap for me” I did as he said and he moved me so my ass was over his lap. “H-How many am I getting daddy?” I asked nervously as Chris rubbed his hands over my ass. “I was gonna do 50, but you’re being a good girl so I’m gonna lower it to 30, and I want you to count. You’re getting 15 each cheek baby” he replied making me whine. Chris started off with soft slaps “One… two… three… four… f-five…” but they quickly grew harder, the sound of each slap getting louder as I felt myself getting wetter. Every time his hand would come in contact with my ass, it would jerk me forward a bit, causing my clit to rub across his hard cock. “nineteen… twe—nty… twenty o-one… tw-twenty two-o…” I managed to count through my moans, however, once I got to twenty-eight, I felt myself unintentionally cum.

I let out an extremely loud moan as I finished counting “t-thirty” I whispered out, my ass now sore and most definitely welted and red. Chris spread my legs a little, rubbing his fingers across my cum covered cunt. “I don’t remember saying you could cum baby” he said seriously, flipping me over so I was now laying with my back against the bed. Chris immediately hovered over me, “You didn’t even ask” he continued, “I didn’t mean to daddy, it was an accident. Never done that before” I squirmed as he stared down at me. “I believe you babe, but if you cum again without permission, daddy’s gonna have to punish you some more” he stated gruffly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down so we could makeout, Chris quickly won dominance and started to suck on my tongue before softly biting my lip. I honestly didn’t know Chris would be THIS good of a kisser, he ran his tongue across the roof of my mouth. I shuddered and let out a moan as one hand came up to toy with my nipples, whining when he pulled away.

“Remember how you called me possessive earlier? Well I’m gonna be really possessive now and mark you up so everyone knows you belong to me” he growled before harshly biting hickies into my neck, running his tongue across and sucking on them afterwards. I knew these were going to be dark and would take at least a week to go away but I also really liked the thought of everyone seeing how marked up I was from my daddy. Chris pulled away to admire his work and when he did, I asked in a shy voice, “Can I give you some hickies to daddy? Don’t want other girls to look at you” I pouted a bit. Chris nodded and let me suck a few hickies into his neck as he started slowly pumping two fingers into me, quickly adding a third to stretch me out. Once he deemed me loose enough he pulled me away from his neck by my hair, sitting on his knees to take off his boxer. “I want you on your hands and knees, facing the mirror so you can watch yourself getting fucked like a slut” he ordered, I immediately obeyed, loving the thought of watching it through the mirror that was close to my bed.

I watched as Chris spit onto his cock, stroking it a few times before lining it up with my hole. “Ready to get fucked like a cheap whore?” he asked, slightly kneading my ass with one hand. “Please daddy, please fuck me!” I begged before he slammed his full length into me, giving me no time to adjust before he started pounding into me. Chris pulled my hair back so I could see myself being fucked, and it was pretty fucking hot. I was trying my hardest to keep my eyes open but it felt so good and I just couldn’t. “Keep your eyes open slut!” Chris growled, pulling my hair harder, making me whimper and whine from the pain. “C-Can’t! It feels too good, please!” I don’t even know what I was asking for, “Please what baby? You need to use your words for me to know what you want” he said softer. “Need to close my eyes, want my face shoved into the mattress” I pathetically moaned out, causing Chris to let go of my hair and push my head down, making my back arch more.

“You’re doing so good for me, I think your punishment should be over and I should just fuck my pretty girl, don’t you agree?” he asked while moaning. “Wanna be good girl, I’ll do whatever you tell me daddy!” I moaned out as I felt myself getting close, that moan was quickly replaced with a cry when Chris pulled out. “No! No daddy! Was so close!” I said as literal tears welled up in my eyes, but Chris just rolled me onto my back, causing me to wince as my ass hit the bed. “Hey, it’s okay sweetheart. I’m not done fucking you, I just wanted to see that pretty face” he said calmly, stroking my cheek to reassure me. Chris slid back in and went back to his fast pace, moving my legs to wrap around his waist before caging in my head with his arms. “Feel so good daddy! Like this way better, I can see your face” I whined which made Chris smile. “Yeah? Me too, I like seeing the pretty faces you make” he said, making me blush as my nails started to lightly scratch down his back as I got close again. “Can I please cum? You can cum in me!” I whimpered out as I was holding back my orgasm, Chris’ lips came down on mine in a long and deeply passionate kiss.

He only pulled away to speed up his thrusts, “Go ahead princess, cum on my cock, I’m not far behind” he groaned. With his permission, I came, moaning out his name as I did so, “Oh Chris! Shit, feels so good” I moaned loudly. “Fuck! My name sounds so pretty coming out of your mouth like that” he grunted, thrusting in a few more times before cumming inside of me. Chris pulled out but used his fingers to scoop up the cum dripping out of me and bringing them to my mouth. “Suck” he instructed me before grabbing his shirt and wiping off both his dick and my cunt, ridding them of any excess cum. Chris turned off the light while I pulled the blankets back and we crawled under them, I put my hand on Chris’ cheek and turned his face to capture his lips in a feverish kiss. I swear my heart melted a bit when I felt him smile into it before pulling away, “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I acted like a bitch” I said quietly. Chris kissed my forehead, “And I’m sorry for being such an asshole. I love you so much more by the way” he said back, “Cuddles?” I questioned sleepily as I rolled onto my side. “Cuddles” he laughed, doing the same and spooning me, holding me against him tightly as we drifted off to sleep.

All work is subject to copyright

©️ Daddyslilchickenfingers2 2023

Do not steal my work

[battleline]

The Stella Problem

THE STELLA PROBLEM

AKA

HOW TO MESS UP A POTENTIALLY GREAT ANTAGONIST

Hoo boy, where do we begin with this one? Well, let’s start with the introduction and go from there.

Who is Stella?

Stella’s original design (Helluva Boss (Pilot))

Stella Goetia is the wife of Prince Stolas Goetia, one of the main cast members, who we first meet in the pilot briefly for a few seconds, having been splattered with cake when Blitzo drops in, telling her that he slept with her husband and runs off with the grimoire (being the thing he came for). The fallout from Stolas’ cheating on Stella is one of the major plot points within the show, with it almost always being prevalent in episodes involving Stolas.

Stella’s first appearance in the series proper (Loo Loo Land (S1, E2))

In ‘Loo Loo Land’, the episode starts with a brief flashback, where Stolas is stirred awake by Octavia’s crying for them, and we are given a glimpse of Stella, who had undergone a redesign between the pilot and now, and when Stolas tells her that Octavia is calling for them, Stella simply tells him to take care of her, and you can see her hogging the blankets.

Stella being furious (Loo Loo Land (S1, E2))

Later on, in present day, some times after Stolas and Blitzo’s affair, Stella is furiously shouting at him, going as far as to throw stuff, stating her disbelief that Stolas had slept with ‘an imp’ in their bed, getting more aggravated when Stolas brought up not having time to go to a motel, and after throwing one of their imps at Stolas, she calls him a ‘goddamn embarrassment’ before storming off

As you can tell by now, Stella is not the most pleasant person to be around. Even before the affair, it seems Stolas and Stella’s relationship is not the greatest, and Stolas’ affair seems to only have made things a lot worse. On top of that, she has a pretty nasty temper, throwing stuff around and shouting. On one hand, she has anger issues, but on the other hand, she was cheated on, and if the amount of revenge Reddit stories surrounding cheating that I listened to taught me anything, cheating really pisses people off. Although, it would seem that she was more angry about Stolas’ affair partner being an imp rather than the cheating, suggesting that she has a bit of classism about her.

We would not see Stella again for the rest of the episode (or the next two for that matter), but she would get a brief mention towards the end of the episode, when Octavia runs away from Stolas at Loo Loo Land, having grown sick of Stolas flirting with Blitzo throughout the episode. Stolas would come to find her again in a funhouse, and the two would have the following discussion:

Stolas and Octavia’s heart-to-heart talk (Loo Loo Land (S1, E2))

---------------------------------------------------------------

Stolas: I take it you are… not having fun.

Octavia: (crying) I didn’t even want to come here!

Stolas: I’m sorry, sweetie. I… I thought you loved it here.

Octavia: (sniffing) When I was a kid and my parents didn’t hate each other… and my dad didn’t flirt with some… weird red dickhead the entire time.

Stolas: I'm sorry, Via. I'm sorry for... everything... happening right now. I know it's... a lot. I, uh-- I should have listened.

Octavia: (crying) I just want to go home... but home doesn't even feel like home anymore... You ruined it.

Stolas: You need to understand... your mother and I... I just-... I felt-... She's always been... I haven't been- Ha-... We weren't in... I'm sorry, I- I- I don't have the words.

---------------------------------------------------------------

This talk illuminated two things: one, Stolas and Stella’s relationship was at a point where they did not hate each other. Now, this could mean many things, but at the very least, things were better. Two, it is implied that they weren’t in love, suggesting that perhaps that they were in an arranged marriage (which would be confirmed in season two, but we will get to that soon). But I do want people to remember the above conversation when we do.

Stella speaking to Striker regarding killing Stolas (Harvest Moon Festival (S1, E5))

We would see Stella again in ‘Harvest Moon Festival’ towards the very end, being revealed to be the one who hired Striker, a cowboy-themed assassin, to kill Stolas. Striker reports that he failed to kill him, but he won’t fail again, and Stella angrily states that he better not, as she quotes:

“I want this cheating prick dead! I don’t care who you have to go through! MAKE IT HAPPEN!!”

Stella

Stolas, Octavia, and Stella at the dining table (Harvest Moon Festival (S1, E5))

We then cut to her pretty much stating this right in front of Stolas and Octavia, but neither seem to take notice, though Stolas does pause for a moment.

It would seem that Stella’s anger towards Stolas for his infidelity had finally reached a breaking point in which she now wants him dead, giving zero regards as to the consequences or the effect it could have on their daughter. Indeed, it would seem she would be an antagonist for I.M.P. and Stolas to overcome in a future episode… but let’s put a pin in that for now.

Unfortunately, this would be the last episode in which Stella has a speaking role in the season, although she would go on to make a silent cameo in ‘Ozzie’s’, when a image of her and Octavia are brought up to shame Stolas during the ‘House of Asmodeus’ song:

Ozzie showing an illusion of Stella to Stolas (OZZIE’S (S1, E7))

“You used to have a smoking wife, a kid, you had it all”

“I hope you didn’t give it up. So, you and him could get it on”

House of Asmodeus

Now, following this line, Stolas would go on to hide behind a menu in shame, most likely because he was ashamed to be dating an imp (thus caused a rift between him and Blitzo), but from the way Ozzie phrased those lines, it could imply that Stolas has regret for his actions, not just because of how he hurt Octavia, but perhaps for how he hurt Stella. Either that, or Ozzie had no idea (which is just as possible).

And that would be all for Season 1, and due to legal issues for ‘Queen Bee’ (which I will probably talk about for another day), we would skip to Season 2 nearly a year later. While what we saw of Stella was really short (amounting to 36 seconds of screen time within the entire first season), it would seem we had a potential for a very intriguing character.

Sure, all we saw of her so far was her telling Stolas to take care of Octavia, her yelling at Stolas over his affair, her yelling at Striker to not fail again, and then a silent cameo. But hey, surely Season 2 would finally give us some much needed development. Maybe we would get a glimpse of how she and Stolas met, a better look at what Stella was like before Blitzo, and maybe see how her relationship with Stolas had deteriorated. And maybe finally see what her and Octavia’s relationship is like. Heck, in February 2022, we learn that she has a brother in Andrealphus (described as Stolas’s shitty brother-in-law):

Andrealphus

So, yeah, it looked like we were in for something very neat… but what we got was…

The Circus (woo…)

After a long hiatus brought upon by an episode being stuck in legal limbo, the season 2 premiere came out, being ‘The Circus’, an episode that would go into Stolas’ past at two points in his life, being his childhood and to right before his affair with Blitzo, as well catching up with him after the events of ‘Ozzie’s’. Naturally, Stella would be in this episode.

The episode opens up on a child Stolas’ birthday, where he meets with his father Paimon, who proceeds to tell him what is expected of him as a Goetia, giving him the grimoire. He would also point out briskly that he is to be married, showing a… well, not so flattering pic of his to-be wife.

Child Stella tormenting two quieves (The Circus (S2, E1))

(Yeah, that’s what they’re called. Vivienne (or someone) made the conscious decision to name a species after a woman’s genital flatulence. Riveting 🙄)

And naturally, child Stolas is not enthused, crying on sight.

Okay, so Stella apparently was a little terror growing up. Okay, not too terrible, I mean, considering what we have seen of her in the first season, it would track that she grew up with anger issues her whole life, and it followed her well into adulthood. But it does confirm that Stolas and Stella were an arranged marriage… so perhaps, this could simply be her lashing out? I mean, Stolas wasn’t thrilled, so I doubt she would too.

Now, despite being shown this pic,  we never do see child Stella in person, this part of the episode being dedicated to Stolas meeting and spending the day with child Blitzo, culminating in him tricking Stolas into helping him rob the palace blind and give the loot to Blitzo’s asshole dad Cash. All of which is a whole nother beast. But let’s save that for another day.

We skip ahead 25 years later in the episode, where we see a grown up Stolas waking up and going about his morning, eventually seeing Stella on the phone:

Stella on the phone (The Circus (S2, E1))

She seems to ignore Stolas as she goes about talking loudly to someone on the phone talking about how being married still is not a big occasion, but apparently, ‘it’s not easy being married to a boring stiff.’, and brushes Stolas off when he tries to greet her. Seconds later, Stolas would frown and ask about a ‘Still Not Divorced Party’ that she is throwing, where she nonchalantly said she likes throwing parties, and it’s true either way, and then said he could come if he wants.

Okay, this is… nothing new. I mean, Stolas and Stella were already on the decline even before Stolas and Blitzo happened, if that flashback at the start of ‘Loo Loo Land’ was any indication, and since we know they were forced to marry, even more of a reason for Stella to not be kind to him. But hey, at least in this scene, she’s not yelling, like in 90% of the screen time she had in season one.

We then cut to the ‘Still Not Divorced’ party where we see Stella chatting with those two owls that Stella (her old design at least) was with in the Pilot and…

Stella with those two owls that were in the Pilot (The Circus (S2, E1))

(seriously, who are these two?)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Stella: (laughs loudly) No! Stolas is terrible in bed! I swear to fuck, he just lays there staring at the wall, and I have to do everything! It’s embarrassing! (sighs) I’m glad one egg fell out of me, so I could stop pretending to want to fuck his scrawny twig ass. (it’s shown that she said this right in earshot of Stolas, as the trio walks away, Stella giving a smug grin at him) Stella: What a pathetic fucking man

---------------------------------------------------------------

O-kay, this is before Stolas’ affair with Blitzo, right? I mean, we do see Blitzo sneaking around at the start of this part of the episode. If so, why is Stella being such a bitch here? I mean, I get she isn’t a pleasant person, but at least in season one, when we did see her, she had the excuse of Stolas cheating on her. Sure, it doesn’t justify trying to have him killed, but you could at least understand why she might not care for Stolas.

But here? All unprovoked and take note of what she said, because I will get into that soon.

So, after Stella leaves, Stolas and Blitzo reunite and we get a re-enactment of Blitz sneaking out with the grimoire from the Pilot, this time from Stolas’ perspective, and Stella simply shouts at him what the fuck was that, and Stolas smugly shout that it was the SOUND OF A FUCKING DIVORCE… even though in ‘Loo Loo Land’, he was being completely apologetic and said it was a spur of the moment thing and they didn’t have time for a motel, completely contradicting this scene, thus making it another point against this episode. But hey, at least it can’t get worse? Right?

Anyways, we cut to present day, after the events of ‘OZZIE’S’, where a heartbroken Stolas sings a song that’s supposed to be sorrowful, but just comes off as a bit wangsty, and then Stella comes in, wondering what he’s blubbering about, and Stolas asks what Stella is doing here and…

I like tormenting you

I like tormenting you

Tormenting you

Tor. Men. Ting. You.

(Okay, this would make more sense if this was in a video format, but imagine if the audio get lower and slower)

So… yeah, turns out Stella… is a psycho bitch, who just likes to make Stolas suffer because… well, there is no reason. She’s just into that shit.

And if that wasn’t enough, when Stolas calls her out for her cruelty and tells her that they’re getting that divorce… she tries to hit him.

So not only is she a psycho bitch, but she’s also a domestic abuser. Well, that’s a whole nother can of worms right there.

There’s so much to unpack here, but I feel we should at least cover the rest of her appearances in the series so far.

She would not appear again till ‘Western Energy’, but she does have a brief voiced cameo in ‘Seeing Stars’, the following episode (and another stinker at that), where Stolas is arguing with her while overseeing the ‘safe transferal’ of her possessions:

“What? No! I’m not turning her against you!” - Stolas (Seeing Stars (S2, E2))

Now this line could mean two different things. One, Stella is simply trying to start shit by bringing her up. Two, she is genuinely concerned (in her own way) that Stolas would try to turn her against her, which would be a legit concern in a messy divorce (this is coming from a child of such a divorce).

However, we have no way of knowing as Stella and Octavia had never interacted, like at all. Again, we’re gonna get to that, but this is another problem.

Anyways, we get to ‘Western Energy’, which opens up on Stolas, Stella, and…

…I’m sorry, who the fuck is this guy? (Western Energy (S2, E4))

Yeah, so we are joined by Stella’s brother, Andrealphus… and the show just acts like we should know who he is already.

Mind you, he has never made an appearance before this point. The only allusion we get that he existed (in-show) was Stella mentioning his name before she tries to slap Stolas in ‘The Circus’. All we get is that and that he’s apparently ‘arrogant’, according to Stolas.

Remember that tweet from February 2022, that first showed off Andrealphus? Yeah, apparently Viv and the writers thought that the tweet would suffice for an introduction, and they could just slip him into the show as if he’s always been there. This is a problem for so many reasons, the main being Vivienne and co, had already developed a bad rep for hiding lore and contextual details in supplementary media, such as Patreon or Q&A livestreams, as well as making tweets after a episode to explain something that really should had been in the episode to begin with. But not everyone has Twitter (or X as it’s called now), and unless someone showed him to you beforehand, you probably would have been confused as to who he is.

Like god damn, Viv, it’s not like there was a certain ‘Still Not Divorced’ party consisting of Goetias that Andrealphus could had easily been a part of, especially since he’s Stella’s brother, that would had not only introduced him but possibly established his role in the series, but naw, let’s just hope people seen that tweet and know who he is.

But let’s get back to Stella, shall we? Anyways, Stella and Andrealphus called Stolas here to discuss ‘compensation’ for his cheating, which amounts to some name-calling, and is quickly interrupted by Striker, who proceeds to kidnap Stolas (with Stolas catching on that Stella hired him to kill him).

We join them again halfway through the episode where Andrealphus and Stella are having tea at his palace, the two having some cheerful evil sibling banter… but then…

Andrealphus scheming… and Stella’s just sitting there (Western Energy (S2, E4))

---------------------------------------------------------------

Andrealphus: You silly minx, you (giggles). Though, you know, if your husband dies it won't turn out well for you.

Stella: He'll be dead; why wouldn't it?

Andrealphus: (somewhat concerned) Because, my dear sister, he's already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to.... Via.

(Stella absentmindedly continues to drink without acknowledging him.)

Andrealphus: (annoyed) If you kill him, you would....

Stella: Laugh? Ha-

Andrealphus: (facepalms in anger) No, you stupid cow! You'd get nothing!... You're so lucky that you're attractive.

Stella: Well, what do you propose we do? He won't leave me anything willingly; he hates me almost as much as I hate him.

Andrealphus: Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before. *stands up from his chair and walks behind Stella* But, with him alive, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my dear; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... GAIN the upper hand.

Stella: (begins to pout and whine) Oohhhhhh, but I want him dead so badly!

Andrealphus: And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen. But, patience first; now, *hands her his customized phone* call off your mangy stray.

---------------------------------------------------------------

…Okay, so not only is she a psycho bitch, a domestic abuser…

Pictured above: a air-headed bimbo (Western Energy (S2, E4))

A DUMBASS.

I know I said Stella wanted Stolas dead, be damned the consequences, but they make her so narrow-minded that she does not realize that she would definitely get nothing, Andrealphus having to spell it out for her. In fact, that’s pretty much was the point of Andrealphus’ being in this episode: to tell Stella to tell Striker to not kill Stolas. You could have easily removed him and had Stella come to this conclusion herself… or better yet, since Striker would lose to Moxxie and Millie, just remove the scene altogether and have it be just another failure.

I could have bought that this narrow-mindedness was a product of her anger issues, because that has been established… but here? It’s because she’s dumb and she needs her big brother to tell her no. Not only does it already make her already wallowing character worse, but she is practically now playing second fiddle to her brother, making her less of a threat, and not helping Viv in beating the allegations of her female characters only be props to males. Also,  what is that incestuous vibe they got going there? Is that something that’s going to be important or be forgotten with the rest of the hanging plot threads?

And that’s pretty much all we see of her up to this point. It is possible that she will appear in the season finale (if the leaks from January 2023 are anything to go by), but considering there’s 5 episodes left in the season, and what we did get of her so far was… it’s bad. Bad, bad, bad.

So… what went wrong here?

Well, to put it in layman’s terms, they took a character with a lot of potential, a wife scorned by her unfaithful husband to the point of wanting him dead… and turned her into a one-note baddie whose sole purpose is to make Stolas miserable and nothing else… plus she’s stupid.

That’s pretty much the way to put it. And many people had voiced their dismay at this… and all the defenders and stans came out and tried to argue (or harass) people for voicing their displeasure with how this character was handled. So, I will try to voice why I feel that the writers here royally fucked up.

Point #1: Was this always fated to be? Was this a retcon? I don’t know, I barely know the lady!

So, one of the most common arguments that came up regarding Stella when ‘The Circus’ came out and messed everything up was:

“This was always how she was meant to be.”

“She was always a bad person.”

“Stella simps be mad, lol.”

I’m paraphrasing of course, but yeah, the consensus among the defenders and stans was that this was all part of Vivienne’s big plan, and she was always going to be this evil psycho bitch.

On the flip side, I had heard many fans (including the simps) complain that this was a retcon, that they had decided partway through production to just go full ‘I’m an evil piece of shit who strangles puppies and drinks childrens’ tears’ with her.

As for me, I personally disagree with the retcon… but not because it isn’t. It’s for the simple fact that for a retcon to occur,  there would have to be something to retcon to begin with!

This must bear reminding, she only had 36 seconds of screen-time in the entirety of season one. 36 seconds, little over half a minute. And it’s spread across these three scenes in two episodes (excluded the cameo in Ozzie's):

Loo Loo Land (Scene 1): she didn’t want to get up with Stolas to tend to Octavia, and she hogs the blankets.

Loo Loo Land (Scene 2): She’s pissed at Stolas for cheating on her with an imp, throwing imps and stuff around

Harvest Moon Festival (Scene 3): She wants Stolas dead for cheating on her, hiring Striker

In my opinion, the only scene that could undeniably be considered evil in this scenario is her hiring Striker to kill Stolas, but even then, it’s fueled by her wanting revenge for his infidelity (or rather, cheating with an imp). The other two were subjective, and could be interpreted many ways. All that could really be established before ‘The Circus’ was her and Stolas’ relationship was already on the decline and the affair really pissed Stella to the point that she wanted him dead. Everything else has been pretty up to interpretation, and that’s the problem.

On top of there only being 36 seconds of Stella, this was all over the course of a season, which lasted a year (excluding the delayed ‘Queen Bee’ which aired nearly two years later), and it would be around nine months before she and the series returned in ‘The Circus’. With what little there was of her, people had to use their imagination to determine what kind of character she would be:

Would she be a psychotic elitist racist, driven mad by the humiliation and rage of being cheated on with an imp? Or is someone fueled by the human desire to keep up appearances, beaten into her by a draconic hierarchy of Goetias who frowns upon the first sight of weakness? Does she see her daughter as a chess piece, intending to use her to further her agenda, or mold her into a replica of herself? Or does she truly love her daughter, which factors into why she loathes Stolas for ‘shattering’ their family? Hell, were she and Stolas friends at one point, or at least acquaintances? And was she capable of speaking like a normal person instead of screaming almost all her lines?

There were so many ways Stella’s character could have been utilized, some of which I had seen done in several fanfictions and fan comics over the course of the series. With such possibilities created expectations and hype that probably got a bit too high, but surely, if at the very least, after a very decent season one, they wouldn’t mess this up?

Well, they did.

Of all the ways they could had gone with Stella, they settled for what I believe to be the lowest denominator of a personality which is simply:

‘I am evil… maniacal laugh’

Now, I can already hear someone saying:

‘Oh, you’re just mad that Stella didn’t turn out the way you wanted.’

Granted, that is a fair argument. Again, with how little we got of her and how long the wait between episodes are, it is possible that people had set their expectations too high and they got themselves overhyped. But counterpoint: this argument only works if the character still turned out good and you just weren’t happy with the end results.

Emphasis on ‘if the character still turned out good’.

This ‘characterization’ Stella got in ‘The Circus’ amounts to ‘She was evil from the day she was born, and she hates Stolas. She hates Stolas very much.’ That’s it. That’s the rub. And following that episode, we could also add that ‘she’s dumb and narrow-minded, with her brother being a bit too infatuated with her’.

One of the big problems with this character we got is that it’s so flat. Like cardboard cutout-flat. This is infuriating because this is the same show that gave us characters that are layered and complex: you got a foul-mouth crazy clown in Blitzo who harbors a lot of guilt and self-hatred. You got a perverted demon prince in Stolas who might want something more with his impish plaything. You have a neurotic straight man in Moxxie, struggling with his own self-image. Hell, even Loona has some sort of a heart under that cold surly front. There’s also Millie, but that’s another issue for another day.

The point is, all these characters had depth and nuances to them… and Stella does not. I am not saying Stella being irredeemably evil is bad. There are several villains designed like this that are loved and applauded. In fact, later that year, we would get a villain like Stella, but done a lot better.

Jack Horner (Puss In Boots: The Last Wish (2022))

Meet Jack Horner. He is one of the three antagonists from ‘Puss In Boots: The Last Wish’. Compared to the far more sympathetic Goldilock and the Three Bears and the force of nature that is Death, Jack Horner is as evil as you can get, intending to use the Wishing Star to hoard all the magic to himself, callously treating his men as expendable till it comes down to just him, and is willing to do anything, going as far as to shoot a puppy (in the face by the way, why you ask), that even his ‘conscience’ (the Ethical Bug that’s clearly supposed to be Jiminy Cricket) outrights calls him a ‘irredeemable monster’. His response?

“Woah, woah. What took you so long, idiot?”

However, despite this, Jack is considered one of the best parts of the film, many finding him hilarious and hammy, yet somehow managing to be a menacing threat. But what made him stand out was at the time, there was this belief that irredeemable villains (or rather ‘evil for the sake of being evil’), examples being like the villains from the older Disney movies or from Saturday morning cartoons, were considered boring, less interesting than other villain archetypes, such as tragic villains or twist villains (which was Disney’s go-to for villains when not using generational trauma). Jack was considered a breath of fresh air, managing to be a memorable villain without needing any complexity or sympathetic qualities.

Now, where did Jack succeed and Stella fail?

To begin, it’s hard to make a fair comparison, as Stella is an antagonist from an indie animated adult series while Jack is from a film made by Dreamworks, and a part of a famous franchise that is Shrek. Be that as it may, I do strongly believe that Jack Horner is a good example of how to do a villain like Stella properly.

Now, Jack only has five and a half minutes of screen time and by god, does he make every scene he appears in count. Whether it’s John Mulaney’s voice-acting, the comedic timing, or just how he owns how evil he is. And he is given a backstory, where he was overshadowed by Pinocchio of all people, but the movie makes no attempt to try and make him sympathetic. They even lampshades this in a scene where he said he didn’t have much… and then proceeded to describe a very well-off lifestyle.

I do believe that why ‘I like tormenting you’ Stella doesn’t hit the same marks is that we initially had no clear indication that Stella is this horrid, irredeemable monster that hated Stolas just for breathing in season one. Sure, she wanted him dead for cheating, but this takes place in Hell, where murder and destruction happens on a daily basis. Aside from that, we had no idea how Stella treated Stolas before Blitzo came along, or how she is when she isn’t being pissed off.

Even then, all of Stella’s evilness in Season Two pretty much revolved around just hating on Stolas for no reason and wanting him dead. That’s it. It’s the same ‘Stolas is (insult)’ in the little time she has that would get old if it had time to get old. In fact, literally all but one scene with her revolves around Stolas of some sorts. The one scene that didn’t was her and Andrealphus interacting in ‘Western Energy’, and I would say that, aside from Stella being portrayed as stupid, her banter with Andrealphus was one of her better scenes and that’s a very low bar to set.

It is possible that this kind of characterization would have worked if Stella was just given more time in season one to establish this ‘I like tormenting you’ mentality. I’m not saying add her in every episode willy-nilly, but if she had even a minute or two more of screen time they could have at least made her characterization in The Circus easier to digest and nip all the hype and rampant interpretations in the bud. Another idea, though harder to pull off, would have been to just remove her from the season altogether. She was already barely in the show to begin with, and maybe with some tweaking, she could have made her debut in season two, since that’s when she became more prominent. That way, people aren’t left waiting nearly two years speculating what kind of person Stella is only to be disappointed.

Even then though, there’s no guarantee that doing this would had salvaged canon Stella, as there’s a very glaring problem that would be:

Point #2: Screams of Silence: The Story of Stolas G.

Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse and Implied Rape

In ‘The Circus’, there are two scenes here that carry some very heavy implications. In the ‘Still Not Divorced’ party scene, as you may recall above, she says this line here:

Stella: (laughs loudly) No! Stolas is terrible in bed! I swear to fuck, he just lays there staring at the wall, and I have to do everything! It’s embarrassing! (sighs) I’m glad one egg fell out of me, so I could stop pretending to want to fuck his scrawny twig ass.

And at the very end of the episode, when Stolas said they were getting the divorce…

Yeah, so it is pretty much shown that Stella is abusive to Stolas, both mentally and physically, and judging from Stella’s line at the party, it’s possible that Stella had also raped Stolas till they had conceived Octavia.

Now, this is a very dark and possibly interesting turn for the series: it is very rare to see a woman abusing a man in media, and considering how Stolas has homosexual leanings, that and the possible ‘rape’ could make for commentary regarding the awful things the LGBTQ+ community faced.

Honestly, it would have made for a good story… if this wasn’t Helluva Boss, a series that was supposed to be a comedy. A COMEDY. And here Viv and the writers go and drop both domestic abuse and rape in a show that would go on to have scenes like this:

Dicks in the wall (Exes and Oohs (S2, E3))

And this:

Not heard: Fizzarolli describing Ozzie’s dick (Oops (S2, E6))

Before people go and complain, I am aware that there have been dark scenes in otherwise light-hearted shows, and Helluva Boss is a black comedy, so dark stuff is to be expected. But there’s a very fine line you have to be careful of when inserting stuff, lest you have scenes like the attempted rape scene in Beethoven’s 2nd.

No. I am not making that up. In Beethoven’s 2nd, a family film mind you, there is a scene where a guy attempted to rape the eldest daughter. Nothing physical happens, just him locking her in the room with him, and Beethoven ends up saving her, but yeah, imagine finding something like that in a film aimed at kids.

Up to this point, Helluva Boss had been a show that didn’t take itself too seriously. Sure, there were some dramatic scenes here and there, especially when it came down to ‘Truth Seekers’ and ‘OZZIE’S’, especially regarding Blitzo and Stolas. But even then, it was mostly relationship drama, which is par for the course for most comedy series.

But the two things that are very dangerous to handle in a comedy series, if not done tactfully, is domestic abuse or rape, and now, Helluva Boss had pulled that pin on the proverbial grenade.

There are several problems with this and I will try to tackle them. First off, let’s address the ‘possible’ rape allegation.

Note how I have been saying ‘possible’ for the past few paragraphs? Well, here’s the thing: like Stella herself season one, it’s all up to interpretation. Yes, it’s possible to see where people drew the conclusion that Stella did what she did to Stolas, but it is also very possible that Stolas simply was not attracted and therefore saw no point in trying to enjoy it. Whether this is because he was gay (fun fact: Stolas has not been officially confirmed to be gay. Look it up. I mean, it’s obvious he’s not straight, but it’s possible he could still be bi (or pan). So if you wanna ship girls with Stolas, go nuts), or were simply not into Stella in particular, no one can say for certain.

Also,  there’s a line that I feel people either hadn’t noticed or ignored in Stella’s conversation:

“I’m glad one egg fell out of me, so I could stop pretending to want to fuck his scrawny twig ass.”

Unlike Stolas being bad in bed, this line pretty much spelt it out that Stella didn’t want to have sex with Stolas either. But since an heir is what was expected of them, they pretty much had to, with Stella probably being the one who had to make the effort. A fellow critic, Schjiro, explained it to me as ‘Emotionless Fornication’, where neither party had any feeling whatsoever when engaging in intercourse. So, as far as we know, neither party wanted to do it, but had to in order to produce a precautionary heir, with Stella being the one to make the effort. Again, it is possible to see how one drew the horrid conclusion, but one thing to remember is that implication does not mean facts. Not to mention if Stella really did ‘rape’ Stolas, this would in turn mean that Octavia was a product of rape, and that is a new level of dark that I feel Helluva Boss is very ill-equipped to tackle. And even then, why is no one paying attention to the fact that Stella herself didn’t want to have sex with Stolas? That I will cover in the next point.

Now, for the domestic abuse aspect of the relationship.

Unlike the rape, there’s less room for implications, as canon Stella really took no prisoners when it comes to laying out the verbal abuse. And with it comes mental abuse. That part is covered. However, when it comes to physical abuse… that is where things get a bit wonky.

Aside from throwing objects at him in ‘Loo Loo Land’, this is the only instance in the series where Stella had physically attacked Stolas directly. Many fans/stans had taken how Stolas caught her hand so easily as her having done this many times in their marriage and Stolas had gotten so used to the physical abuse to expect it. While a plausible theory, one of the issues I have with this is if you recall that image from before...

Stella’s slap could have been seen a mile away. Now, arguably, Stolas could have just taken it, having grown accustomed to the abuse, but it’s just as plausible that Stolas caught it because it was so easily choreographed. Even then, there’s another issue I have with this.

Can Stella even physically hurt Stolas? No, I’m serious here. Can Stella actually hurt Stolas and make him bleed and stuff? It is something I have seen in many fanarts depicting the abuse, but the thing is, it was established in ‘Harvest Moon Festival’ that demon royalty can only be killed by blessed weapons. However, the show never establishes if the same rule applies to being hurt.

What I mean is, there has never been an in-show occurrence where Stolas was hurt by anything that wasn’t a blessed weapon. The only time we ever see Stolas being hurt by something at all is in this Instagram post here (after ‘Truth Seekers’):

Stolas apparently needed his arm bandaged due to a bear trap. Now, this would have made Stella being a physical abuser work… but the thing is: the instagram posts aren’t exactly canon. They do allude to things that do happen in the series proper but I believe Viv went on record to say that they were mostly for fun and weren’t to be taken seriously. So that’s a bust. But even if Stolas was able to be hurt by normal means, there’s another problem: look at ‘Western Energy’:

Striker using a ‘blessed’ weapon (Western Energy (S2, E4))

Striker here was using a blessed weapon to torture Stolas, and was gonna use it to kill him (until Stella called off the hit). And because of it, Stolas was in pretty bad shape. Now, it could be argued that Striker made his dagger ‘blessed’ so that when torturing Stolas, it would hurt more, inflicting maximum pain before going for the kill. But the thing is…

Stolas, tortured to an inch of his life by blessed weapons, was completely and utterly fine within a week as of 'Oops'. And yes, it has been a week. Earlier in ‘Oops’, Striker flat out states that he had a ‘royal on the ropes just last week’ (being Stolas). Like god damn, if Stolas could easily shrug off injuries inflicted by blessed weapons, what does that say for anything Stella could do? It’s not like Stella’s hands are made of blessed metal. And Stella has not been shown to have any sort of powers or abilities that could be considered harmful.

Now, I’m not saying that men can’t be abused by women, clearly they can. And there has been a couple of times in media it has happened. But the problem I am having is Stolas time and time again is proven to be a powerful demon prince capable of fucking shit up, yet we are expected to believe that Stella could ever lay a hand on Stolas.

In fact, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say Stella abusing Stolas would be like if Lois Lane was abusive to Superman. Like, be a total piece of shit all you want to this person, the only reason you’re still kicking is because the other guy is too polite, too chicken-shit, or just doesn't care enough to raze you into the ground.

The only edge Stella would have on Stolas is the fact that she is more social and being a woman, she could easily play the wounded gazelle and manipulate the Ars Goetia family into turning on Stolas, not to mention there’s Octavia to consider, arguably Stolas’ biggest Kryptonite by far. However, even then, that’s debatable, on the fact that Stolas by all accounts should outrank Stella.

If Stolas and Stella’s marriage failed, it would more than likely be blamed on Stella more than anything, and as Andrealphus pointed out, she would end up with nothing. And to be frank, it’s not like Stolas had been facing any actual legal repercussions for his affair with Blitzo. As it stands, Stella is only a threat to Stolas… because the writers want her to be.  Never mind that Stolas is stronger, has more importance and the fact that Stella is pretty much a joke next to her, which makes the fact that we’re supposed to fear her as this domestic abuser even more laughable. And on that side note, if Stolas is a battered spouse who suffered under Stella for so long, why the hell did he agree to meet her and Andrealphus at that cafe? You would think that a victim of abuse, even if they had gathered the courage to leave, would think twice before agreeing to meet a person that physically and verbally abuses you. Especially if it leads to an assassin kidnapping you and torturing you.

Even then, that barely scratches the surface of why this domestic abuse angle doesn't work.

Now, as it had been established, canon Stella as of now has little personality beyond hating Stolas and being a psycho bitch. The line ‘I like tormenting you’ sold that pretty well. But here’s the thing though:

The face of an awful domestic abuser… apparently

Am I expected to believe that this woman is a heartless abuser, let alone take her seriously?

Remember, this series was meant to be a comedy, and Stella, in every other scene except the one at the end of ‘The Circus’, had been established as a loud-mouthed, crass, entitled, bratty bully. You know, the kind of antagonist you expect out of a comedy. Yet, here they are, trying to shoehorn in a domestic abuse plotline that’s supposed to be taken as serious. If this was in a series like Bojack Horseman, or hell, even a younger-focused series like Avatar: The Last Airbender,  where drama and serious storytelling take priority over funny moments, this might have worked.

But the thing is, there’s a reason abusive women characters worked. Case in point:

Lady Tremaine & Mother Gothel

These two are probably some of the first characters that come to mind when you think of abusive characters. And they share a lot of similarities to Stella herself. Granted, their abuse was more aimed at children rather than a spouse, but they are good templates for what makes a good ‘abusive’ character.

Lady Tremaine (otherwise known as The Stepmother) is a status-focused woman who carries herself with a sense of superiority and smugness (not unlike Stella) strongly mistreated her stepdaughter Cinderella, forcing her to serve her and her biological daughters as a servant. While we don’t see this abuse on-screen (as this was a Disney movie for kids), every time she was on screen, you worry for Cinderella, especially in scenes like when she is talking to Cinderella from her bed in the bedroom, when she raises her voice. Her scenes are pretty much devoid of the light-heartedness and comedy you expect out of a film with talking mice, and despite never raising a hand towards Cinderella, she’s god-damn scary, and is considered one of Disney’s better villains, up there with the likes of Maleficent (who by the way, would be voiced by the same voice actress years later). And like Stella, she isn’t given a sympathetic backstory (though the live action remake many decades later would try to humanize her), and while nowadays, she might not be as compelling, she’s the poster child for the Wicked Stepmother archetype.

Mother Gothel is portrayed in a way more akin to how abusers would act in real life. When we first meet her, it’s established that she’s a selfish vain woman obsessed with maintaining her youth, hoarding a magical flower for herself to do so. And when this flower was taken and used to cure the ailing queen, Gothel goes as far as kidnapping the queen’s baby Rapunzel, who retained the flower’s power, when she couldn’t simply take her hair. Since then, Mother Gothel raised Rapunzel as if she was her own and pretty much emotionally and psychologically manipulates her into staying within the tower, her roots taking hold so deep that Rapunzel herself dare not defy her, out of fear of being a bad daughter to her, and Gothel does all this with such a saccharine demeanor. However, there are moments where the mask slips, like at the end of her song ‘Mother Knows Best’ where she flat out told her never to ask to leave the tower again, or towards the climax of the film, where she willingly put Rapunzel in danger with the Stabbington Brothers just to prove her point and scare her into coming back with her. But the mask is pretty much off when Rapunzel wises up to her manipulations and she flat out willing to force her into servitude to her just so she can maintain her youth forever. Oh, and side note, in the animated series, she abandoned her own biological daughter so she could steal and hide Rapunzel. Real mother of the year there. I’m not a psych expert, so I can’t go into all how Mother Gothel is a stellar example of an abusive villain, but someone that Stella wishes she could be.

So why does Stella not work like these two? Well, a major factor to consider is: domestic abuse is not a joking matter. Lady Tremaine and Mother Gothel are characters that are often written in a way that they are treated as serious threats, with their horrible actions never played for laughs. Sure, Gothel does have a few funny moments, but it never takes away from the horrible things she did in the film. This is often applied to almost every abusive character in media, from cartoons to movies. When done properly, the abusive characters are almost never played for laughs, and their abusive actions, be it towards spouses or children, are never taken lightly. If abuse is ever treated as a joke, it is usually done in poor taste… or you’re South Park or someone into edgy humor.

Stella doesn’t work because she is a supposed abuser in a show that plays physical abuse for laughs. In other words, she is:

Jeffrey Fecalman (Family Guy, Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q. (S10, E3))

Jeffrey Fecalman, or just Jeff, is a minor one-shot character that appeared in ‘Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.’ (he did actually appear a few seasons earlier in a scene in ‘Jerome’s The New Black’) in the season ten episode of Family Guy, and hoo boy, this episode is considered one of Family Guy’s worst episodes for its very poor handling of the subject matter.

The problems were numerous: one, the abuse victim Brenda is the sister of Quagmire, who is infamous for his sexual exploits that would not fly today in the current tv environment, taking advantage of women just like his sister. Two, the way the main cast handled the situation is so awful, from victim blaming, to Joe the cop not arresting Jeff when he flat out is abusing her right in front of him, to deciding to kill Jeff on the belief that abusers never change, getting so much about domestic abuse wrong.

And lastly… well, Jeff is characterized as an unsympathetic piece of shit who beats Brenda over the littlest things, yet for some reason, Brenda refuses to leave him, and has no personality beyond that. Sounds familiar? Jeff is pretty much Stella, but over ten years earlier. And like Stella, Jeff is portrayed in such a ham-fisted way that he is impossible to take seriously as a domestic abuser. And that should be a warning that you have done something severely wrong.

Now, I should state this, because I recall a conversation on Twitter I had when talking about Stella a year ago,  when I criticized just how too cartoony Stella was to be a domestic abuser. A person did call me out, saying that they knew someone just like Stella, down to her demeanor. I am by no means trying to say that people who behave just like Stella or Jeff can’t exist. After all, reality is stranger than fiction. And I am sorry that you had to put up with someone like that and I hope you’re doing well.

That being said, it does not take away from the fact that Jeff and Stella are terrible as abusive villains, not just because they act in such a way that’s impossible to take seriously, but because of the world/series they live in.

Jeff is a serious domestic abuser in Family Guy, a show that is infamous for all sorts of abuse that is always played for laughs, especially towards Butt Monkey poster child Meg Griffin. Hell, this episode is immediately after another infamous episode where Meg called out her family for their abuse… but then proceeds to stay and take the abuse so they wouldn’t lash out at each other. Needless to say, it’s no surprise that Family Guy got lambasted for this episode.

But what about Stella? Well, on top of Blitzo treating Moxxie like crap and disrespecting him time and time again, we get lovely scenes like this in the very next episode of Helluva Boss.

Shown: Loona kicking Blitzo in the balls (Seeing Stars (S2, E2))

In this also very divisive episode, Loona treats Blitzo, her adoptive father, like absolute dogshit, beating him up in the first image for offering constructive criticism over her job as a receptionist (which we never seen her do since the pilot), letting Octavia slip in and steal the book (probably out of spite for Blitz), disregarding Blitz’s orders to find Octavia until she had a ‘change of heart’ when Blitz and Stolas are taken to the studios, and lastly, Blitz, feeling sudden remorse for threatening to replace her (even though she dared him to do it) tries to apologize… only to get kicked in the balls. And mind you, this is right after a touching scene with Octavia, where Loona told her to cut her dad some slack (someone who she had zero interactions with beforehand) because they screwed up… when Blitz really hadn’t screwed up at all in the series that we had seen. It all comes off as very hollow.

And not once is Loona’s abuse and disrespect of Blitzo treated with a modicum of seriousness. Hell, I’ve seen many people rush to Loona’s defense, arguing that Loona was justified because of her past and that she didn’t like being touched. Hell, one person tries arguing that Blitzo used micro-aggression. I got the whole ‘media literacy is dead’ for speaking up about Loona’s behavior. It’s all something that we are supposed to just laugh and find amusing…

One question though… WHERE THE FUCK WAS ANY OF THIS DEFENSE FOR STELLA?!

This is the very reason domestic abuse is not something you can just drop in a show, let alone a comedy that uses physical slapstick as a joke. Because if you drop in a domestic abuse story and play it straight for an episode, but then turn around and do an episode where another person do the same shit for the funnies, it causes a massive tone inconsistency (something Helluva Boss is infamous for now) and confusion, making people wonder if they are supposed to laugh or take things seriously. Even then, doing the abuse for the funnies gets old real quick, which is a problem Family Guy constantly combats with to this day.

Simply put, if you’re going to make a villain an abuser, you best be prepared to handle them seriously, and make sure it doesn’t go against the kind of show you’re running. Otherwise, don’t get mad when people get upset.

That being said, now is the time to tackle the last problem about Stella:

Point #3: Making Stella look bad so Stolas looks good

A very common complaint that people had concerning Stella following ‘The Circus’ was that Stella was written the way she was so that Stolas, her husband and one of the main characters, would appear better in terms of morality. And hoo boy, there is so much truth to this statement than you realize.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s get familiar with Stolas.

Stolas Goetia is a prince from the Ars Goetia family, based on the demon of the same name. He is Stella’s husband, and the father of Octavia, and his affair with Blitzo is a major plot point within the series.

He’s a very divisive character in the fandom: either you love him and would die for him… or you think he’s the worst thing ever and should go die in the ditch. Regardless, his character in season one was one of intrigue: he is similar in some ways to Stella, treating imps, Blitzo included, as lesser races, and constantly flirts (to a very uncomfortable degree) and condescends Blitzo on several occasions. In fact, some fans goes as far as to say he’s sexually coercing Blitz, if the nature of their deal is anything to go by (to make a long story short, in ‘Murder Family’, he proposed the infamous full moon deal where he and Blitz must have sex for the book… while Blitz is running for his life from Satanist cannibals). Yeah, not a very good look.

Not to say he was without good points, as he loves his daughter Octavia dearly, but Stolas is a very flawed individual whose affair and behavior had an effect on the people around him, Stella and Octavia included, and it was for these flaws that he and Blitz were called out in ‘House of Asmodeus’ and Stolas ends up creating a rift between him and Blitz as a result of it. While Stolas may be divisive, his character was complex and intriguing, and hey, it’s not everyday that you see a flawed queer character in media. The keyword being ‘was’. Yeah, Stella wasn’t the only victim of ‘The Circus’.

Pictured: A very sad boi (The CIrcus (S2, E1))

So, as mentioned in Point #1, ‘The Circus’ served as the backstory of Stolas, revealing how he was arranged to marry to Stella at a young age, and to get him to cease his ‘bitch crying’ from his less than stellar father, he took him to the eponymous ‘circus’, where Stolas meets Blitzo as a kid (that’s an issue for another day), Paimon ‘buys’ Blitzo for a day and Blitzo’s dad have him rob the place with no consequences and serve no purpose other to maybe let Blitzo know that Stolas had a grimoire?

25 years later, we find out Stella is always a P.O.S. and Blitzo comes back into his life, and rather than it being a sordid affair that happened all the sudden… it is now Stolas really misread the situation and thought Blitz was coming onto him and Blitz only fucked him out of pity (another issue for another day). We then cut to the next morning, where we get a recap of the pilot scene with Stella, except Stolas proudly brag that it was the ‘sound of a fucking divorce’, which contrasts how apologetic he was in ‘Loo Loo Land’ (Vivienne said it was a ‘high’ Stolas was experiencing at the moment but eh…).

Then we cut to the present day, and the scene above. Stolas is sad, takes antidepressants, and begins to ‘lament’ about his love life. Except, he’s not lamenting how badly he hurt Blitz or anything… he lamenting how he misread Blitzo not being in love with him. I mean, that is a problem, but not the right one to be focusing on.

Anyways, the song ends with Stella’s interruption, and we get the infamous ‘I like tormenting you’ scene, but there’s a line here that bears reading:

“I know what I did. I would feel bad if I hurt you, but we both know I didn’t do that. You and I were arranged for one reason; to birth a precautionary heir to the Goetia family, nothing more. I tried so many years to make it comfortable for us; to have this family, but it was never enough. The only reason I have endured your constant insults and cruelty was for that girl to have a normal life… I cannot do this anymore. I want you out. Now.”

Stolas

So… yeah, you may notice how unbelievably ‘sad’ Stolas was portrayed in this episode. Well, I hope you enjoy this sad gay owl because this is Stolas’ character now. That’s right, gone is the complex, morally dubious owl who arranged a deal with this random imp to fuck him for his book, whose affair that strained his relationship with his daughter and made his wife want to kill him. Here now is a wangsty owl who’s sad that the imp he knew only for a day, who robbed him and then try to rob him again of his grimoire only to fuck him out of pity, and is a poor, poor victim of his evil wife who he was forced to marry and couldn’t divorce for some reason for his daughter.

And this here marks one of the major reasons I did not like the direction they took with Stella. By making Stella a flat evil gay husband beater of a wife, they’re absolving Stolas of his affair with Blitzo. If you think I’m overexaggerating, just take a look at this line in ‘Western Energy’

“Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I’m concerned, this divorce is far overdue.”

Stolas

Like I said, absolving him of cheating. I’m not going to get into the argument of whether or not it’s morally correct to cheat on someone who treats you like crap. However, I’m of the belief that two wrongs don’t make a right. His cheating may or may not have hurt Stella, but it certainly hurt Octavia, and I find it weird that he apologizes to Octavia for his affair (that he continued to have) but not the woman he cheated on. Not to mention, as of time of writing, he isn’t brought to task on any of his other wrongdoings so far in season two.

He doesn’t reflect on his elitism and racism towards imps, he doesn’t reflect on how his cheating had hurt his family, or how kinda messed up his deal with Blitzo is. He’s just sad that Blitz doesn’t share his feelings. Hell, they never even had that conversation about their falling out after Ozzie’s, unless you count the text messages at the end of ‘Western Energy’. I mean, it could change with ‘Full Moon’, the very next episode to be released, but I’m not feeling hopeful.

Back to Stella, it speaks volumes how at the same time Stolas is made to be this poor sad perpetual victim, Stella is made to be this psychotic abuser. Which really sucks because Vivienne said that Stolas and Stella was supposed to be this whole thing where not one person was in the complete right. Yet, here we are, with Stolas being good and Stella being  evil, with no nuance, complexity, or all that jazz. It definitely doesn’t help that Stella only had 36 seconds of screen time while Stolas had way more, making the imbalance even worse.

Not to mention that in ‘Loo Loo Land’, Octavia flat out mentioned that they didn’t used to hate each other. Yet from what we saw in ‘The Circus’, Stella… always hated Stolas. This could mean one of three things: one, Stolas somehow managed to hide the fact that Stella hates and possibly abuses him for 17 years. Two, Octavia is so sheltered and god-damn oblivious (or stupid) that she could not see her mom obviously hating on her father. Or three, this line was completely forgotten by Vivienne and her writers and should be disregarded. Any of these three does not scream good writing in my eyes.

While a simple black and white dynamic isn’t the worst thing, that was not what was set up. Stolas was flawed. Stella was flawed. They were both shitty people who handled their dysfunctional relationship poorly and it hurt their daughter. To simply change that into where the closeted gay owl is in the right while the evil straight swan woman is in the wrong just comes off as boring.

Another issue I have with this is… why is Stolas getting the preferential treatment? Yes, Stolas is the one being abused and insulted by the woman she was forced to marry… but that doesn’t quite change the fact that Stella herself was forced into the same arranged marriage. She was forced to produce a precautionary heir with Stolas. As TV Tropes put it, she’s drowning in the same pool as Stolas, and there’s that whole incestuous vibe going on with Andrealphus going on, implying not so good things. Yet, Stella is given no sympathy, not from the writers, not from a lot of the fans, nothing. I’m not saying Stella is justified in her horrible actions, she’s not, but the fact is a lot of fans just write her off because the writers chose to depict her as this flat villain. There are examples of many villains that would go on to do horrible things but have sad and/or tragic backgrounds that while does not justify their actions, it allows you to understand how they got to be the way they are.

Examples include a lot of the rogues’ gallery from Batman or Spiderman, Azula from ‘The Last Airbender’, Goro Akechi from ‘Persona 5’, Tai Lung from ‘Kung Fu Panda’ or Lord Shen from the sequel, Homelander or Soldier Boy from ‘The Boys’. Hell, Jack Horner from earlier would count. The list goes on and on. There are villains who go on to do the most heinous things, in spite of their backstories, yet they would all go on to have fans who like them.

Which brings to another point that irks me: the treatment the fans of Stella get. If you had been in the Helluva Boss or Hazbin Hotel fandom long enough, you would find that it is not a friendly place. I won’t get too much into it, but let’s just say criticism, good faith or not, was a big no-no, and questioning the questionable choices Viv and her writers make will get you harassed or labeled a misogynist or a homophobe.

When ‘The Circus’ came out, anyone who voiced their liking for Stella got it pretty bad, as fans/stans took anyone who liked her as a problematic person who supports her horrible actions and hates gays like Stolas or something to that effect. While it could be possible that some people do think that, others certainly don’t. And it really sucks because Stella fans get it the worse, especially compared to other abusive characters’ fans, such as Crimson (a homophobic mob boss who flat out hits his son on screen and murdered his wife) and Valentino (a pimp who rapes Angel Dust, a fan favorite). It was ostracizing to many fans who just wanted to enjoy their favorite character.

And I feel as the series goes on, it will probably get worse.

Closing words

So, where does that leave us now?

Well, unless someone from the development side of things speaks up, we will never know for sure what decisions were made that lead to the characters we are given today, but what we do know for certain is Stella got shafted. And shafted good.

An abysmally low screentime of 36 seconds in season one alone. Many ways that her story could have developed, only to go with the most barebone and arguably laziest direction imaginable. Even then, her character archetype was done better by villains such as Jack Horner. Her being an abuser and a possible rapist clashes with the tone of the show, as well as her given character, and again is done much better by other characters.And worse of all, her fans get shat on by other fans of the show.

As of today, she is a one note flat villain who serves no purpose but to make Stolas more sympathetic in spite of all of his problems that are still unaddressed and to now play second fiddle to her brother who literally was dropped into the show with no fanfare but a tweet from over a year earlier. We still have no idea what her relationship is to her daughter, but it is safe to assume that it will probably not be good (or if it is good, it would be because Octavia cannot see how obviously evil Stella or her brother is) and that’s even if it gets touched upon at all.

While there are other issues plaguing Helluva Boss (such as the treatment of female characters, especially Millie and Loona, or the fact that a show about imps running a murder business has hardly any imps running a murder business), Stella stands out as a shining example of how to botch a possibly compelling antagonist, and serves as a bitter reminder of what we could had versus what we have now.

Now, I should state that a lot of this is introspection and opinions on my part, and I’m sure if I were to show this to people on Twitter, they would rip it apart and call me a media illiterate fool who knows jack-shit about anything, and that’s if they don’t try to harass and dox me for talking at lengths about Stella of all people. Who knows with this fandom nowadays,

If you do not agree with any of this, I am more than willing to hear you out, but I won’t promise that I will change my stance. It’s all about having an open dialogue.

As for why I did all this? I cannot say for certain, but I guess I just wanted to share my two cents on why Stella failed so hard as a character for me, and how I wished she could have been so much better than what we ended up getting. That and possibly out of spite to all the people who insulted me for having opinions about this show and how Viv lets all of that bullshit go unchecked.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I guess I will see you all the next time I decide to try and do something like this again. If I ever try to do something like this again. Who knows. Thanks for reading and hearing me out. Also, I do want to apologize if all of this looks wonky to you, first time posting an actual blog and due to the image limit, I had to fix a few things so it would make sense. If there's any issues, let me know.

[enidette]

JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS BOY

warnings :: crazy dialogue, i wrote this half asleep im sorry, i wanted to get something out but its lowkey shitty and the ending is mad corny

ron anderson x fem!reader

it had been just you and ron for such a long time that the boy forgot what jealousy felt like. sure there was mikey at the very beginning, but after that faded out, the lack of teenagers your age became the norm. it never crossed his mind that another would come along and turn his jealousy on high.

carl grimes, the son of the man who killed his father was stealing your attention these days. ron knew deep down that you had both trauma bonded, being out there for so long. but another boy taking you away from him — at least that’s how he sees it — on top of him being rick grimes’ kid left a bad taste in ron’s mouth.

he trusted you, he didn’t trust him. in any way shape or form. logic was out the window, after what happened he just sees red every time he sees the two of you together. so he does the only logical, angsty teen boy thing he could think of. keep his distance from the both of you.

you were hurt, the absence of your boyfriend was so present after spending nearly all your time together previously. now you sit back to back with carl, gripping your knife anxiously awaiting the attackers outside to come in.

your eyes are trained on the floor while carl’s stays on the window. your plan was to leave. ron’s lack of interest in you recently was your sign to go back out where you belong. you had been contemplating it for a while, it was just your boyfriend holding you back.

“shit!” carl mutters, running towards the door. dumbfounded, you follow him. you watch in horror from the doorway ron getting chased by one of the attackers. your brain reacts faster than your legs but thankfully carl takes the man out.

you make eye contact with a breathless ron and his eyes turn cold at the sight of you. you want to cry, one of the first people you trusted and loved after the mess the world went to, suddenly shutting you out like you were nothing.

carl swallows thickly, thinking about what to do. he decides to put whatever petty fight they have aside, “come in, you’ll be safe.” you look at ron pleadingly, but he shakes his head. he goes to walk away when he sees your eyes water and-

oh. you’re crying, because of him. something he promised would never happen. he looks around him blankly before carl’s yells are ripping him out of his thoughts. your hand latches onto his bicep and he feels himself being dragged inside.

“you can’t just stand there like an open target! what were you thinking?” your angry voice cracks with sadness, he can see you trying to conceal your emotions.

he huffs, ever the stubborn one. “now you care?” your mouth falls open and you look at carl quickly, signaling him to give you both some space.

carl clears his throat, the tension in the room is unfamiliar and uncomfortable to him. he’s pleased to be able to leave. “i’ll go scope out the rest of the house.”

you watch as he leaves before turning back to ron. “what the hell is your problem?” he just stares back at you, too embarrassed to share his answer.

ron shrugs, “you probably like him, you have to pretend anymore.”

you gape at him before your stare grows cold. “seriously ron? i’ve been hurt over your behavior. you’re acting like i don’t exist. but you can’t drag it out in the middle of something like this.” you point behind you, ron’s eyes following to look out the window. just in time to see one of the nice women who would bake goods for alexandria fall at the hands of one of the attackers.

“why would you even think that? i only love you ron, it’s only you, and it will forever only be you.” your voice grows soft towards the end of your sentence. ron grimaces; at the sight out the window, his pettiness, hurting you.

“i’m sorry,” he mutters, head hung low. “after what happened to my dad, it’s like i’ve been on autopilot. i don’t know what to make of what’s going on because it’s happening so fast.” his hand reaches out to grab yours. “i guess since carl seems like an attachment of rick it made me…”

“jealous?” you laugh, pushing a stray hair back into his beanie. he glares up at you playfully,

“i’m not jealous! i’m resentful.”

you nod sarcastically, “and you’re such a big scary guy.” he shakes his head and goes to hug you. your whole body feels at ease despite the dire circumstances just by being in his arms.

“i love you too,” he mutters into your neck, just before carl has you both sprung back into action.

[toruro]

Hi I was wondering if you could do a Maknae line - having a argument and making up after a fight ? Thank you 🤍 love your work

maknae line + fighting with them

a/n: of course! i’m so glad you’re liking my work! this was a fun write, but writing for vernon for this scenario was sooo difficult for me lmfoa?!?! anyways pt.2 of them making up can be found here and hyung line's version is right here! c: please leave likes/comments/reblogs if you enjoyed!

w/c: 2.1k

seokmin

in large arguments like this, he’s just as much of a mess as you are. you’re both emotional, and while some might think that large arguments like this are impossible between you just because of how soft-spoken he is, they’re so, so wrong. the fact that you’re both so emotionally driven heightens arguments like this, even though they may be rare. you’d both be crying for sure, yet neither of you relent because you want this issue to resolved and you’re both too stuck up in how you’re feeling individually to think about compromises and solutions. it’ll just go back and forth for literally ages until one of you just can’t find it in you to even cry or yell back anymore. once you've both reached your breaking points, it'll be pin-drop silence. neither of you would be saying a word, the only noises coming from the shaky inhales and exhales. eventually seokmin would get up and grab himself a glass of water, retreating to your bedroom afterwards. you use these moments to think about your next actions, but with your mind all foggy like this, all you really want to do is sleep. you debate for a few moments if you should choose to sleep in the guest room or follow seokmin and sleep with him. your head is telling you that maybe you need space but your heart is telling you that you can't bear to be this distant from him in a time like this, and quickly follow in his footsteps, crawling into your spot on the bed next to him without a word. seokmin doesn't speak either, but the way that he shuffles just a little closer to you under the covers sends you the message that things will be okay.

mingyu

i can see him getting *really* worked up by arguments just because he tends to get blinded by his own emotions. when you guys are in an especially big argument, he’d definitely forget completely about what you guys are even fighting over and will try to nitpick at your words because he just lets everything get to your head. oh you want him to change some of his behaviors? that must mean you hate him. and let me tell you this man is SO stubborn that once his mind is set on one idea, as long as he’s angry and heated like this, he will NOT relent at all (thinking abt that one time jeonghan talked abt an argument he had with mingyu where they were yelling so much that jeonghan lost his voice but mingyu kept going help). he’ll be so stuck in his head and it all just builds up and you’d be getting sososo frustrated it would literally bring tears to your eyes and with everything that he’s saying and everything that you’re thinking, nothing is making sense because there’s just so much going on. at some point you feel like you can’t even comprehend the words coming out of his mouth so you cut him off, saying, “mingyu i can’t do this anymore,” and that’ll make him stop dead. you’d realize he thinks you’re talking your relationship in general, and while the silence is thick, you clarify, “this argument. i can’t think right now,” you murmur. you realize that mingyu’s breath is labored and that this entire fight has really taken a toll on you both, and he takes a moment to respond. “okay,” is all he says, and he doesn’t move when you go to the bedroom to grab a pillow and blanket because he only thinks you’re going to get into bed. when you walk out and place the two on the couch, he catches on, quickly catching your wrist before you can lay down. “what are you doing,” he’d ask. “going to sleep?” you shoot back. “okay well sleep on the bed.” you’d shake your head. “i want to clear my mind.” mingyu tugs at your wrist, “okay well do that on the bed.” like i said, mingyu is STUBBORN he definitely won’t relent until you finally agree to sleep on the bed with him, even if you two aren’t pressed up against each other like usual.

minghao

i said this earlier but the yelling-in-each-other’s-faces kind of arguments don’t happen with minghao. with the others, those kind of arguments may be rare but with minghao they are quite literally nonexistent. that doesn’t mean you two don’t argue or have issues, but having them emotionally escalate to that level with either of you can’t even think is just not something minghao or you will let happen. the worst of your arguments are still quite tolling though: you and minghao would start talking faster and maybe not all of your words are thought through but whenever either of you realizes what’s going on, you’d take it as your chance to just stay quiet for a few moments, collecting your thoughts. tonight, you’re both frustrated and emotional and you know that this isn’t the best time to have this kind of conversation. eventually, minghao will say what you’re both thinking: “i don’t think we should talk about this right now.” you agree with him, you know you do, but you’re so upset and desperate to fix this issue and for once you speak without thinking, “then when will we?” and the words come out harsher than you’d like. minghao gives you That Look and you’d falter. “in the morning,” he tells you, “we should sleep now.” he can tell you’re hesitant so he walks across the room to where you’re standing to hold your hand and gently pull you to the bedroom. he understands that you’re still tentative and doesn’t push you to do anything you don’t want, but is still insistent on the fact that he wants the two of you to at least still sleep in the same bed.

seungkwan

petty as fuck. kind of like mingyu in the sense that he would definitely nitpick at your words and make the argument far more stretched out than it should be. you love him and all off his dramatics but in some situations it’s just too much, and this happens to be one of those rare occasions. you’re just trying to get your point across and you get the feeling he isn’t really listening to you—it's infuriating to say the least. you're both upset and frustrated and seungkwan is too angry, too caught up in the moment to catch on. it's when your tears stop steadily falling and you end up bawling into your hands that seungkwan seems to sober up. you're crying out so loud and so hard hat neither you can think, seungkwan standing still on the opposite side of the room while you just bury your head in your hands, trying your best to take in deep breaths and ease yourself. seungkwan is, least to say, astounded with himself. he's still upset, still angry, but the only thought at the forefront of his mind is the fact that you're literally sobbing your eyes out and it's his fault. he's not sure how it came to this point, since the moments before you crying were pretty much just a raging blur for him. now is seungkwan's time to step back and reflect on anything and everything he's said in the past few minutes, eventually making the decision to walk over to you and place a hand on your shoulder, hoping it'll help ground you, help calm you down. and much to his tentative relief, it works, and you're able to start muttering words about how you're too tired to talk about this anymore, sinking into seungkwan's arm further. he feels his soul nearly crush at the sight, pushing any anger towards this situation to the back of his mind before he's pulling you along with him to the bedroom. "sleep," he'd instruct, opening the covers for you, and when you look at him with puffy cheeks and glossy eyes, he sighs heavily, "we'll fix things in the morning, i promise." as you both slip under the covers, you drift off to sleep with the welcoming thought that you know seungkwan always lives up to his promises.

vernon

vernon in a serious argument is reserved. it almost pisses you off how he's just...taking everything in. you'd be talking endlessly about your feelings and trying to discuss the issue and he wouldn't even look at you, having his eyes trained on the ground intently. after what feels like ages of you just pretty much talking to yourself, you sigh in defeat, crossing your arms over each other as you blink furiously, trying not to cry. "can you at least pretend you care?" you spit out without thinking, and you regret it for a moment but then you don't, not if it has vernon looking up at you, seemingly more reactive to your words right now than in the past ten minutes. "i—i'm sorry, i'm—i'm thinking," he'd stutter a bit before looking you in the eyes properly, "i care, you know i do, i just—this is a lot." you want to cry even more now, not because you think he's lying but because you know he's telling the truth—it's glaringly obvious to you now that this issue is, in fact, quite a lot and you know vernon likes to take things slowly. you're honestly a little desperate to get this whole situation resolved right now, but you're tired and vernon is tired and you don't know how you're going to make it work. vernon notices this doubt on your face, stepping forward to take your hand. "i'm so sorry," he'd murmur again when you struggle to meet his eyes, "i just—it's late, and i'm trying to think about everything and it's not making sense right now and i think we need to talk about this later." you want to frown and protest, say that no! we need to talk about this now! but you know vernon's right and that if you keep this up you'll keep going in circles. you'd let out a short hum of approval before letting vernon pull you by the hand to the bedroom. he notices your hesitation to get into bed next to him, but he gives you a look which is filled with so much sincerity that any thoughts you have of sleeping on the couch are withering away.

chan

he’d be very mature about most arguments, but that doesn’t mean he’s the best at controlling his emotions when things get abnormally out of hand. you aren’t sure when this argument escalated from just going back and forth to pretty much yelling at each other from across the room but it happens and you’re not thinking straight—not seeing straight, definitely not through the tears in your eyes. chan would be glossy eyed too, and this whole situation is less about you two being stubborn and more about you both trying to communicate your emotions in it’s full capacity. normally that would be good—you and chan are heavy on being honest about your emotions but when both of you are thinking and feeling so many things, it’s hard to comprehend, let along discuss how you’re feeling. it’s after you go on a long, long tangent about something when chan doesn’t reply, kind of just staring at the floor with a clouded expression. he’d be trying to formulate a response but his brain would be fried and all he can think about his how he painfully wants this issue to be resolved, but fights back the thought that you guys can’t do that right now—not when you’re both so foggy minded. “i’m sorry,” you’d finally whisper, looking down at the ground as well, not finding it in you face chan. “i don’t think we can talk about this right now,” chan says in response with a heavy sigh. “let’s just—“ he takes a shaky breath to run a hand down his face to wipe away some stray tears, “—let’s talk about this in the morning.” you’d follow him to the bedroom and the thought of sleeping in the living room crosses your mind, but when you see chan crash down into the mattress, obviously exhausted, you just *know* your heart won’t let you do that. instead, you crawl into the bed next to him, and while you have a feeling a bit of distance would be good, you can’t help but curl up by chan’s side tentatively, sinking further into the sheets when he grips you closer without a word.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I've been dreaming of the Loyalist of Clubs.

There are so many regrets born out of ignorance. So many bonds lost to time.

He wishes he could have done more then.

How does a moment last forever? How can a story never die?

“Wh-What’s happening, Trey?”

The question comes from the boy huddled on the guest bed. He’s smallish and demure, like a rose bud yet to bloom. His eyes and cheeks are the same color as his hair—red, from crying.

Trey awkwardly peels himself away from the door. Even shut, shouting is audible from beyond it.

“HE KIDNAPPED MY SON!! Bring him back this instant, or I’ll call the authorities!”

“Ma’am, please calm down. They’re children—”

Trey pictures Mrs. Rosehearts as a balloon, bright red and inflated with hot air. The more she screams, the more air leaks put of her twisted mouth. She shrinks and shrinks until she poofs out of existence.

It doesn’t feel right to stand, so he sits on the bed beside his friend. The frame groans from their combined weights, light as they are.

“… I’m not sure,” Trey admits. “I saw you upset and grabbed your hand and ran. I didn’t want you to be stuck in that situation anymore.”

He pats a pillow. Attempts to comfort his friend.

“You can stay here.” Forever, if you want. But he doesn’t say that, only hopes it in his heart. The solution is so simple in his kid mind. “At least until your mom isn’t mad anymore.”

“Is that… allowed?”

“Sure it is. My parents won’t mind—er, probably. They like having new people over. We’ll pretend it’s a normal sleepover.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s when you sleep over at another person’s house—that’s where the name comes from. You stay up late, watch movies, play games, eat snacks, and then fall asleep together.”

Riddle’s eyes widen. “That sounds like breaking so many rules,” he says nervously.

“Those are the rules for sleepovers. The point is to have fun.”

“Fun…” Riddle nibbles on his lip, drawing his knees closer to his torso. He hugs his legs, collapsing into himself with a sniff. “I-I don’t know—I don’t like not knowing. I’m scared, Trey. Mama is so angry with me. I’m not supposed to…”

“It’s okay to not know. No one knows everything.”

“Mama does. Everyone says so. That’s why she’s always right.”

“That’s not true. I know she’s wrong about this—about us, and about Che’nya.” He grabs Riddle’s clammy hand and squeezes. “She can’t keep us three from being friends.”

“We are…?”

“Yup.” Trey pokes him, then points to himself, “We’re friends. And friends stick up for each other, watch each other’s backs.”

Riddle hesitates. “Is that… the rule?”

“You can think of it like that if you want. But I didn’t do any of this because of some rule, I did it because I wanted to help you somehow, any way I can."

"B-But we're just kids. What can we do?"

Trey worriedly glances at the door--the adults' voices haven't quieted at all--then at Riddle and the stress deeply etched into his round face. This isn't a good place for him right now either.

"We could... go over to Che'nya's. He and his grandpa will be happy to see us, and we can all have that sleepover.”

Riddle looks bewildered at the mere suggestion. "We're going to leave?"

"Shouldn't be too hard. We've already played hooky before," Trey says, tugging him up and off the bed by the arm. "Besides, a walk can help take your mind off of things."

We can be ourselves. We can forget our worries. Everything can be as it was.

Riddle’s eyes are wide with alarm. His knees wobble, and Trey catches him.

“It’ll be fine! I’ll be with you all the way—so if we get yelled at, we can be yelled at together. You won’t be alone.”

Not ever again.

Riddle responds in a shaky mew. His cheeks are wet from crying, and his words trembling—but his trust is firm. “O-Okay… I believe in you. Let’s go. Let’s go see Che’nya.”

Trey smiles reassuringly. “Alright, we’ll escape through the window. It’s a classic. You know how to do it safely by now, right?”

“Yes…!”

The two boys scramble to the bedroom window, undoing its latch and sliding it up. Trey leads the charge, easily clearing the sill. He looks back, urging Riddle to follow.

The threshold is daunting, less the boundary between inside and out and more like the bridge to a world unknown. When Riddle charges at the open window, he expects to smack into the wall. To fall, to fail.

The ground rumbles,

Splintering, fissures appearing.

“You got this!!” Trey cheers from the other side.

Riddle vaults too early and slips.

Panic shoots through him like a bolt of lightning.

Something erupts from out of the floor, racing under the boy to break his fall. Riddle lands on a thick, cushy stalk, leaves twisting around it. Above him, a giant head of petals--blue, bell-shaped, and ringing.

Bluebell.

Another flower sprouts by the boy's feet, bearing a crimson mouth--two lips, pulled back in a laugh. "Frolic, rejoice," says the Tulip. "Be free.”

“Free, free,” a patch of tiny, shrinking violets choruses.

“To dance around the posies and spin daisy chains and search for four leaf clovers.”

“We’ll lift you up when you’re down.”

Plants are poking out from every inch of the guest room, making their own quips and banter. Trey should be startled, but instead he laughs and waves for Riddle.

He waves back shyly, then gasps. His feet find something squishy yet solid under them.

Mushrooms with flat caps, a whole flight of them, in ascending height. The boy clumsily crosses them, each step sending up a cloud of fat, lazy spores. Riddle sneezes, nearly careening off the side—but a wall of snapping dragons or sly gloves in foxes closes in, surprisingly gentle as they support him.

He hops over the sill with ease.

And the flowers follow.

It’s a rainbow come alive, color sprawling over the roads and knitting rooftops with new lattice designs. Some designs dare to go higher and flashier: beanstalks that pierce the clouds, fruit clusters so heavy they bend and droop, petals dripping with jewels. Even the air is more jubilant, filled with shimmering particles--pollen?

Sunshine opens on Riddle’s face.

“Whaaaa~ So pretty!!”

“Isn’t it?” Trey’s grin is so wide his teeth ache. “We should hurry and get Che’nya so he can see this too.”

“It’s going to take so long to wade through all of this.”

“Fine by me." Trey grabs his friend's hand. It feels so small in his, and he thinks of a seed in need of water and light. "We can take our time to stop and smell the roses!”

His other hand reaches out and finds the stem of a large passing dandelion tuft. It forms an umbrella from its fuzzy white tendrils, the perfect shape for sailing on the wind.

Whoosh.

Trey and Riddle squeal as they're whisked off.

Up, up, and away, where their troubles can't chase them.

[anxiety-elemental-kay]

And Take Away Its Pain: A Comparison of Masculinity, Trauma, and Queerness in Warcraft and Warframe

First, I want to shout out my friend Silriven at BluSky. (If any of you are mean to her I will Find You.) This thread she wrote recently reflecting on if/how she still likes Anduin as a character was what got me started writing this essay. She talks about the fandom response to Anduin, and the ways both the fandom and writers contradict themselves in discussing the character. The reason I wrote this essay is because I can think of another character and video game that work as a counterpoint to the way Anduin is portrayed.

Even before this specific thread, I made made a thread on BluSky comparing Warcraft and Warframe much earlier because both these games had major update reveals at around the same time. Not only that, but their content served as an interesting contrast between the different games' stories, and my own reactions to each.

The War Within[1] trailer and related announcements were revealed at Blizzcon 2023, around the same time as Digital Extremes, the developers of Warframe, held Tennocon 2023, which included a thirty minute demo of their next major story update, Whispers in the Walls.

For those unfamiliar with either/or World of Warcraft and Warframe, I’ll give a quick summary of the trailers.

In TWW trailer trailer we see Anduin Wrynn sitting by himself in a desert. Anduin is a character the players have known for a long time, and last time we saw him he chose to disappear in response to a trauma he suffered in that expansion’s story. Here his face is dirty, he’s grown out a beard, and his hair is cut short. He has a vision of something that looks like a star calling his name. A second character appears, an orc named Thrall. The two talk; Thrall is calm while Anduin is angry and confrontational. They discuss the visions they’ve been having, how someone at “the heart of the world” is calling out to them. (Anybody who’s kept up with Warcaft's story even a little bit will know this voice is the Titan Azeroth, who lives inside the planet Azeroth.) When Thrall touches Anduin’s shoulder, Anduin has a brief flashback to when the ghost of his father touched his shoulder. Anduin draws his sword and declares “I’m not that person anymore! I have no Light! Not after what I’ve seen, not after what I’ve done!” Thrall replies “You are not your past, Anduin” and expresses his trust in Anduin, who struggles to not cry, and lowers his sword. Both of them experience a much stronger vision of the star calling for them, then Anduin accepts Thrall’s hand, and Anduin pledges to stand with him. They both express confusion at who could be calling out to them. (It’s Azeroth you dinguses!!!) The trailer ends with a cool shot of a giant sword sticking out of the desert, before switching to The War Within expansion logo.

Now, the Whispers In The Walls showcase was a full demo including gameplay, but to keep the comparison as fair as possible, I only talk about the opening three minutes [2]. You can see the whole showcase here.

In the Whispers preview, we open with a cutscene. We start with some spooky eldritch speech, then we shift to someone the player will have heard of before, but never seen, Albrecht Entrati. Albrecht checks a beeping pager, and then an old computer, both out of place against the stylized sci-fi future setting of Warframe. He is followed by his feline companion. He gives his cat some pats, then he sits in a sci-fi casket, where his kitty also curls up. A second character, who we’ll learn later is named Loid, approaches Albrecht with his head bowed and eyes on the floor. Albrecht reaches up to Loid to touch his cheek, and wipes away a tear with his thumb. (Remember this moment, it's important for a point I'll make near the end of this essay.) Albrecht's dialogue is subtitled as (Quiet whispering). Then Albrecht lays down, and the casket closes. Loid raises a hammer as the casket makes loud sounds and lights flash, before he finally brings the hammer down to smash the casket. The screen cuts to black, then the gameplay starts.

Comparing these two teasers at the time, I thought about how Whispers was much more effective at building a story hook by creating mystery. Even if I limit myself to that opening cinematic, we have one character, Albrecht, who we’ve heard a great deal about and is important to the story, but we’ve yet to meet him in-person. The contrast of his 90’s tech and fashion against the more fantastical technology common to Warframe’s universe is stark and creates interesting questions. We’re introduced to this relationship Albrecht has with Loid. I don’t know who these people are or what their circumstances are, but I see genuine love and conflict. I’m already invested in learning more and seeing what happens to them. It’s a great hook! I actually rewatched that opening three minutes a few times while writing this because I have brainworms!

The TWW trailer is about creating a hook based on seeing where beloved characters are now, seeing what’s become of them when the player wasn’t looking. Azeroth the Titan is speaking to the main cast, which is clear to the audience familiar with the game but not the characters for unclear reasons. Anduin is still suffering, unable or unwilling to heal from his trauma. Thrall wants to him to come out of hiding. Anduin agrees to. That’s it. What’s the story hook here? Anduin seems to have gone nowhere in the years since he was last seen, and I have no sense of where his story (or Thrall’s, or Azeroth’s) might be going. I don't even know why Anduin changes his mind and chooses to help Thrall. What, just because there's another big threat to the world? The last one wasn't enough to bring you out of hiding? It’s just stuff happening, a general sense of vague Peril. I can't even get that excited about the shot of Sargeras' sword! Blizz should've thought to address that earlier, like, when the planet got stabbed! That was cool and exciting! Our planet got stabbed by Warcraft Satan! Then it's ignored for years until now, after people kept asking what was going to happen to it. The trailer tries to build a mystery about where the visions are coming from, but it's the Titan Azeroth, the players figured it out right away, there's no mystery. I don't have any reason to feel like the writers care about the story, setting, or characters. I’m left feeling nothing for any of it but a vague sense of disappointment.

Even more, the TWW trailer feels like it’s deliberately avoiding adding any details. Anduin talks about how he’s lost his Light, how he’s “not that person anymore” which is not a bad way to take his arc, but I can’t connect it to when Anduin was enslaved by the Jailer in Shadowlands. I know where his trauma comes from, but the trailer makes no effort to explain or expand on how those specific events affected him. I’m not even going to explain what any of that means to people unfamiliar with Warcraft because it doesn’t matter! In both dialogue and in visuals, the trailer gives little texture or meaning to what Anduin is feeling. In the Whispers trailer, I know Loid is sad, not just because Albrecht is leaving, but that he has to have a role in that departure. I don't know what happened to Albrecht at this point, but the emotional hook is there along with the questions about the story. I care because I believe these two characters are in love. Why should I care that Anduin feels he's lost his Light? I have no sense of what this loss means or feels like. I have no sense of what he's struggling with, or what he might face in the future.

Since those trailers were released, Warframe had its promised Whispers update, and I’ve played the full quest and leveled up the linked faction, which contained more story. While I know I’m being unfair comparing a trailer to a full release, I will continue to do so anyway because 1) I’m a bitter old faggot, and 2) the full story of Whispers makes the comparison between Loid/Whispers as a whole and Anduin/TWW even more interesting/saddening.

This is your warning that I’ll be spoiling the quest Whispers In The Walls. Eventually. I've got some foundation I want to lay first.

I found a tweet thread by Christie Golden, one of Warcraft’s major writers. She links a TIME article about a woman struggling to raise her son to be gentle and kind in a world that encourages anger and violence in men. Golden lists Anduin (among others) as an example of nontoxic masculinity in fictional media. In her replies she goes on to expand on her thoughts.

Here’s the tweet by Golden that stuck out to me: “Too often men and boys who gravitate to the gentler side are automatically perceived as being gay, whether they are or not. ALL men/boys should be able to display these qualities, just like all girls/women can be tough and fearless and athletic if that's who they are.”

What’s wrong with being perceived as gay, Golden?

To be fair, there is a point here about assuming someone’s sexuality based on their personality or behavior. That is nonsense, and assigning traits to someone based on an observer’s opinion isn’t good. I even agree that not all straight characters should be one thing and all gay characters should be another! The problem with Golden’s statement is the implicit bias, being “automatically perceived as being gay” is framed as something bad. Why shouldn’t straight men and boys look up to a gay character? Can they not see themselves in a queer character? Why?

This is another reason why the comparison between TWW and Whispers is so interesting, because Whispers is gay. Sure, there are people who will argue Loid and Albrecht weren’t in love, because no one explicitly says they were together, but if you’re paying attention that’s unneeded. Loid refers to Albrecht as “my Albrecht”, and later, in a diary entry, we hear Albrecht refer to Loid as “my Loid”. There's a moment in the quest where we watch a recording of Albrecht, and he says, “I need Loid to understand why I had to leave. Without him. Why I forced him to destroy the device after I had gone. And why I could never say the words he so needed to hear.”

If you listen to the codex entry “Albrecht’s Notes: The Aftermath” about what he went through after coming back injured from the Void, you get even more. Albrecht describes Loid as “crooning motherly” and how “Loid nursed me then” back to full health. His descriptions, and the voice acting, are entirely earnest. There is no sarcasm or veiled disdain as he describes Loid in these feminine terms. The affection Albrecht both received, and gave, was genuine.

“The agony bit deep, but it was clean. Blameless love bled up from me.

I had decided to live.”

Yes, yes, this section is partly for me to be snappy at the people in the Warframe community who insist Loid and Albrecht aren’t a couple. What I want to demonstrate here is mechanically how Warframe tells its audience these characters are in love without needing to spell it out. Why it’s reasonable (and valid) to interpret characters as queer even if they don’t list their labels on their bios, so to speak.

To bring this back to the character of Anduin Wrynn: while he’s never been officially portrayed as queer, his story, at least in its earliest years, very much was.

Though we don't see much of Anduin in-game early in Warcraft's life, his first story plays out in the supplementary comics and novels. There’s a conflict between who Anduin feels he is and who he is expected to be. He’s expected to become a warrior like his father, Varian, but Anduin finds wielding weapons difficult. He's unable to reach Varian's standards for who he should be. Instead, Anduin chooses to become a healer, in Warcraft terms he chooses the priest class, and focuses on spellcasting and support. At one point, as Anduin is about to leave home to go and train in healing magic, Varian reaches out and nearly breaks his son's arm in his attempt to force him to stay. Varian is horrified at what he's done, and Anduin leaves.

Anduin's story is literally about rejecting the traditional masculinity his father represents to pursue his own, alternative path. We see how the life Varian's lived, a warrior's life full of violence, has poisoned his relationship with his son, how his toxic masculinity was a destructive force. Varian’s story in parallel is learning to accept Anduin’s choice, and learning to understand that his son is still powerful and capable, even if he’s not “strong” in the way Varian himself is. In addition, Anduin is one of the few characters who objects to the war(craft) between the two player factions and wants to find peace between them. Anduin’s story was, in theme if not in content, very much a queer narrative! It's about challenging tradition and finding a path that's more true to who he is and what he believes in.

This was why I connected with the character of Anduin initially. I started playing Warcraft in late Wrath of the Lich King, after ICC came out. When I first met Anduin he had a default human child model, and he said and did basically nothing. Then Cataclysm was released, he got his own teenager model, and a whole questline to himself. Suddenly he was someone with agency, wants, and personality! And then Mists of Pandaria came out and Anduin got to be a major focus of an entire expansion!

Anduin was absent from the next expansion, but the one after, Legion, Anduin returned with an adult model, and his father dies during the story's prologue. While he didn’t get the same focus he did in Mists, in Legion Anduin still had a whole storyline about becoming king, accepting his new role, and making peace with his father's death. It's smaller than his role in Mists, but it's a storyline I enjoyed!

I’ve literally watched this character grow up in real time. It’s a powerful experience!

(Side note: there’s a lot that can be said about Anduin as a monarch, what kind of state head he is, how he treats his people, and is an aspect that largely goes unacknowledged in the canon story. I'll shout out Silriven again, this is a topic she's gone a good job of discussing before. I want to acknowledge this part of his character, but I consider it beyond the scope of this specific essay. I do think making him king, making him someone who extracts taxes and sends people to die in war, does have a major impact on his character, his masculinity, and how he processes trauma. However, talking about monarchy, even a fictional one, is its own topic and needs its own space to explore. It's something to keep in mind whenever discussing any major character in Warcraft who is also a major political leader.)

Through all this I would say I saw Anduin as queer. At no point does he express serious romantic interest in anyone, nor does he appear to be under any pressure to find a partner through either societal or political norms. The themes of his stories made me think he was gay, especially as the only other character he grows close to is another boy. Anduin was a comfort character for me.

This began to change in the expansion after Legion, Battle for Azeroth.

Anduin begins to wear a set of plate armor, looking more like his warrior father, and the role he once rejected, than the priest he chose to be. He leads his armies in a war that he used to be wholly against, a contradiction he never fully confronts. When he punches Wrathion, a childhood friend who reappeared in the last expansion patch, players responded with praise in real life. “Manduin” punched Wrathion, who Anduin claimed was responsible for his father’s death. Which he wasn’t, and can only be seen as responsible through a Five Degrees of Kevin Bacon type web. I'm not sure why Anduin says this, unless the writers wanted to either smear Wrathion or erase the history of friendship the two had previously. Or, maybe they didn't want to bring up any legitimate reasons Anduin might be angry at Wrathion, like abandoning him. If I had a nickel every time one person abandoned another to go on an ill-fated time travel adventure, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird it happened twice.

(Here's a tangent: Imagine if Albrecht ended up in alternate Draenor and/or Wrathion ended up in 1999. Those stories would've gone VERY differently.)

Since I’ve brought him up, it’s time to talk about Anduin and Wrathion.

This topic is. Divisive. In the Warcraft fandom.

Wranduin, the ship name, is something that appeared in fandom mid Mists when the two characters first met. Anduin was curious about who this Wrathion person was and set out to investigate. Long story short, their families had a long history of conflict, and Anduin had every reason to be suspicious and mistrustful of Wrathion. Was openly mistrustful of Wrathion. They continue to hang out together through the rest of the expansion.

This all leads up to a particular moment in the novel War Crimes, taking place after the main events of Mists of Pandaria. Anduin and Wrathion continue to spend time with each other in that book, playing games and discussing politics. When Anduin expresses how tired he is, Wrathion declares “I shall, if asked politely, take you on my back and ferry you to fascinating places, where we will have adventures that will age your father ten years in one night.”

I've never read any of the books myself, but I’ve seen this passage passed around online and it stands out to me. It feels genuine, two teenagers who are close friends but also bad at vulnerability and Feelings, making a connection and finding comfort in each other. I’m not even asking anyone to see a romantic angle to this, just to understand the emotions of the moment. It feels specific to them.

I was in the Warcraft fandom during Mists, I thought their relationship was interesting, and it could make for an interesting romance. Despite ideological differences, they were very much kindred spirits. People born into power who’ve also suffered immense loss of agency. Both were forced to grow up quickly, had their lives endangered at young ages, and both want to protect the world they live in, even if that means different things to both of them. That tension, the clash between their ideals and their personalities, the potential for connection and division both, was what made their relationship so interesting.

Then Wrathion disappeared for several expansions, came back in BofA, and the first thing that happens is Anduin punches him in the face. We never see them in a scene together after this moment ends.

It's worth noting that while Wrathion isn't human (he's a dragon in disguise) his humanoid form makes him one of the very few non-white characters in the main cast. They reintroduce him by having a white man, who was once a friend, punch him in the face. This is an action Anduin has never apologized to Wrathion for.

There’s another Warframe character I want to talk about briefly: Ticker. She’s a trans woman.

She's been in the game much longer than Loid and Albrecht, but like them, her identity is never explicitly stated, but at the same time it's unambiguous. She has a deeper, more masculine voice, has a masculine appearance (Old Mate rank spoilers, but if you know you know) while her body language is very feminine and she uses exclusively feminine pronouns and terms for herself. One her voice lines when you speak with her is “A person gets told a lot of things over the course of a life. Who they are. Who they should be. Amateurs, lecturing a professional.”

She is a trans woman, she has some of the best lines in the game, and I love her.

My greatest disappointment with Ticker is that she isn’t involved in the greater storyline associated with her zone. We do meet other good characters (Eudico in particular is a lady character I adore) but Ticker’s exclusion sticks out to me. Sure, one could point to Smokefinger as also being largely absent, but Ticker’s role in the story is to help pay off people’s debts so they don’t suffer more than they have to. This is something she has to do in secret (to her boss’s boss, not to the player natch) or risk facing harsh punishment herself. This could tie directly into the area’s larger story about a workers' union violently revolting against its hyper-capitalist overlords. Why isn’t she in Vox Solaris DE??? By the way, the player sides with the union.

(Side note: Blizzard is an American studio, while Digital Extremes is Canadian. I can feel a potential discussion of these two countries, labor unions, and these two games, but like the point about monarchy in Warcraft, that needs its own space. There's definitely things to talk about, but I'd need to do real research before I could begin to approach it.)

So looking at Ticker, then looking at Whispers, this update shows growth to me. Warframe is showing two men in love[3], both characters and their identities are treated with respect by the narrative and other characters. Yes, this isn’t the same as depicting a canonical trans woman, but I’m inclined to be patient and kind when I sense that creator(s) are earnest about portraying experiences that aren’t theirs. We all have internal biases we need to uproot, it’s a journey that will last our whole lives, and one that will inevitably end incomplete. We can all and always learn to improve our art, as well as our compassion and understanding of other people. For me, forgiveness for earlier depictions that were poor or problematic is easy when I believe the creator(s) are making a sincere effort. We all make mistakes, and we all grow. Hopefully DE will add another canonical trans person to their game who will have a bigger role.

I’m hammering this point home because I have never felt this level of sincere effort from Blizzard.

I know I’m comparing an middle-ish game studio to a massive AAA company, and I do not care. Whether it’s because of the writers’ cowardice or a producer’s mandate, Warcraft takes only small steps to be inclusive, while Warframe is genuinely trying. (DE also updated skin shaders specifically so darker tones would look nicer in their new lighting system!) It's things like this that make Golden's talk about Anduin being an example of nontoxic masculinity ring hollow. Only one of these games seems willing to engage with marginalized stories, with people who live outside of the strict roles we're assigned. The concept of "nontoxic masculinity" cannot exist if one is unwilling to engage with queerness. Allowing men to embrace more gentle behaviors also means not shaming anyone for being gay. Allowing men to do and be things that aren't the pinnacle of traditional masculinity means understanding and embracing that men can and will engage in more feminine behaviors or roles, and this doesn't diminish their gender identity. These concepts are linked.

(I know this is a very binary way of framing these concepts, but let me tell you, Blizz is NOT ready for that discussion.)

Warcraft has added gay characters or made some existing characters gay, but never anybody in the main cast, nothing that would get a major spotlight. Anduin could’ve been an easy solve for this, whether he started a relationship with Wrathion or someone else, it doesn’t matter! Having a major character in a game as large as World of Warcraft would've meant so much. Instead they hide their queer characters in secondary roles, in supplementary media, and made them into easter eggs in the game. Never major characters, never the focus of the story. Nothing they would, for example, show off at a major convention in 2023.

Moving away from talking about queerness for a moment, something that struck me watching the Whispers demo again is that DE isn't afraid to make their new character flawed. I don't want to say unlikable necessarily, because I did like Loid right away, but he's also rude to the established character traveling with us ("Resume your duties, construct!) and then dismissive of the player. He's supposed to wait for an "operator" to arrive at the labs, and thinks it's obviously not the player. By the end of the quest (which I'll talk about in a moment because yes it's relevant) Loid comes to accept that the player is the one he's meant to work with. When you level up the related faction in the full release, Loid eventually tells the player that his role was to care for Albrecht, and it would be his honor to extend that same service to the player. This arc is sweet and feels earned because Loid started so abrasive, the writers weren't afraid to make him abrasive, and even by the end I wouldn't say he's flawless. In fact, in the next update, Dante Unbound, DE has hinted that Loid will have to confront the established character he was rude to in Whispers. Loid feels like a person who's going through shit, in the way that people go through shit. Not with grace, but trying his best anyway.

I bring this up because one of the long standing issues with Anduin as a character, which has gotten worse as time goes on, is the unwillingness to give Anduin flaws. I wonder if this connects back to the point about the lack of specificity about his feelings or experiences in TWW trailer, why Thrall's simple "You are not your past" feels so strange, and why the trailer seems reluctant to acknowledge Anduin's anger as a problem. Anduin has, for a while, been positioned as a moral core for the game, the character who is primarily interested in peace for unselfish reasons. Part of the reason I enjoyed Anduin as a character in Mists was because, sometimes, he got to act like a shitty teenager. He'd be sarcastic or smarmy or do something objectively dumb, like run off to fight a major enemy of his nation on his own. This is especially true when interacting with Wrathion, which includes Anduin using the taunt "You're what, two years old?" To which Wrathion replies "Two in DRAGON years." It's very endearing! Look at these brats, they're believable teenage friends to me. Yes, Anduin is one of the few peace-seekers in the story, he tries so hard to be good and kind even to his enemies, but in moments like these he still feels like a person.

We could look at TWW and say Anduin is demonstrating anger issues, which would be interesting because, like in the example of almost breaking Anduin's arm, this was something Varian struggled with. Except it doesn't feel like the trailer recognizes this as a flaw. The moment goes by and is quickly forgotten. I can look at Loid in Whispers and I recognize where his bitterness comes from: he felt abandoned and so pushes others away. The one detail I did like in TWW trailer was the comparison between Thrall touching Anduin's shoulder, and Varian's ghost doing the same in the past. That moment felt like a trigger for Anduin, reminding him of that moment when he was so vulnerable, but also of his grief for his father. (Nevermind we had that story in Legion about Anduin coming to terms with his grief. Let's ignore that.) It's the most sincere moment of the trailer, but it doesn't follow through! As soon as the second vision dissipates, Anduin takes Thrall's hand and pledges to help. Why? Again, "because there's another big cosmic threat" isn't a good enough reason. What does he feel in this moment? Why did he change his mind now?

Nontoxic masculinity doesn't mean "flawless person". I would still say Loid is a good example of nontoxic masculinity, regardless of if or when he does engage in more toxic behaviors. I'd say as a character Loid is a better demonstration than Anduin of nontoxic masculinity because he's capable of self-reflection, realizing he did something bad, and correcting himself. One interpretation of events in the story of Whispers (because much of Warframe is open to interpretation) is that the local eldritch horror was feeding off of Loid's resentment towards Albrecht, and this was fueling its assault on the labs. Only in reminding Loid of Albrecht's feelings for him, specifically in a way Loid had been deliberately avoiding, can the player begin to take down the bad guy of the quest.

This is a great time to move to my last point about Whispers’ full story: the ending.

I know we can talk about ludonarrative dissonance about two games where the player regularly enacts mass murder and trying to square that with certain story themes. Listen. Hear me out.

In Warcraft, the solution to the final boss is always kill them. (Or arrest them in the case of Garrosh in Mists. In truth this was only a stay of execution). Part of this is the limit of always putting an expansion’s conclusion in a raid. There always needs to be a big fight in a specific kind of setting with specific player expectations. I wish Blizz played with this more; maybe we can only seal away the bad thing? Or maybe the goal is to hold something off while an NPC does a magical ritual that saves the day by some other method? I’m sure there are possible, creative solutions other than “hit bad guy (or his toes if he’s big) until bad guy falls over”.

How does the player save the day in Whispers in the Walls? I’m going to cover this in detail because it’s one of my favorite moments in the whole game.

You spend much of the quest fighting off The Murmur, constructs summoned by the local eldritch horror, called the Indifference (among many other names[4]) which is trying to break into the labs the quest takes place in. The final encounter, the story's climax, has the Indifference possesses a Vessel, one of many unfinished biomechanical giants Albrecht created and left scattered around his lab. The evil Vessel moves in to attack the player, who then possesses a Vessel themself.

The player’s Vessel holds up a hand, and we see a button prompt.

I'm stealing a point from another Tumblr user because it's great. Go read their post and the replies if you're curious about this particular moment!

This button prompt isn’t unusual. There aren’t many quick time events in Warframe, they're not a part of regular run and gun gameplay, but they do appear. If you’re like me, you’ve gone into the accessibility options and toggled button mashing off because wrists hurt. This prompt isn’t unusual to see for me.

But if you didn't use that accessibility toggle, you'll still get this specific prompt. It will be unusual that you're being asked to hold to interact with the scene, rather than the usual smash a button to make thing happen.

So you hold the button, the player’s Vessel reaches out, and when I first played I got excited because I think I’m powering up a big blast to destroy the enemy Vessel!

Then this happens:

I encourage everyone who can to watch the video for the full effect, but I’ll still describe it here:

The background music is ominous, and as you hold the button there's a heartbeat sound. The player's Vessel slowly reaches toward the enemy Vessel. When then the prompt button disappears, the scene goes quiet. The player Vessel gently holds the enemy Vessel's face, mirroring how Albrecht did to Loid at the beginning of the quest. As the music changes to a calming vocal track, we see the enemy Vessel's face change, drop from aggressive to lonely longing. The camera backs away as the two Vessels slow to a stop, posed to echo that "memory of love". The camera switches to Loid, who holds a hand to his own cheek, then looks back at the Vessels. He understands the connection too.

This kind of thing isn’t unheard of for Warframe either! I'll keep additional spoilers to a minimum, but a previous main story quest, The Sacrifice, has similar themes. In fact, my favorite moment from that quest involves a monologue by a major villain about how he is literally unable to comprehend the idea of empathy or compassion. He doesn’t understand why the player character, in a moment of vulnerability and understanding, is able to do what he couldn’t, with all of his violence and brutality.

“And it was not their force of will - not their Void devilry - not their alien darkness. It was something else. It was that somehow, from within the derelict-horror, they had learned a way to see inside an ugly, broken thing —

— and take away its pain.” [5]

In a story where the primary antagonist is a mysterious entity called “The Indifference” we don’t defeat it with force. With hate. What’s the opposite of Indifference?

It’s old man yaoi love. We defeat Indifference with love.

I don’t feel like I was cheated out of a cool moment. I suspect some people did. It’s not like Whispers didn’t have cool moments! I’m not even going to argue that this moment was uncool, just that it brought up different and unexpected emotions in me! It was an interesting and affecting twist on how we expect these encounters to go. It’s moments like these that tell me that Warframe's writers, for all their flaws, are putting genuine thought and emotion into their game. They’re thinking about characters and themes, trying to follow them through even with the scattershot way that video game design demands writers work.

Writing this description reminds me of a moment in Shadowlands, the expansion that traumatized Anduin. It takes place in (surprise!) the Shadowlands, the afterlife of Warcraft’s universe. Thrall, the second character we see in the TWW trailer, meets his mother in Shadowlands. She died when he was a baby, and now that he meets her in these weird circumstances, they begin to create the bond they couldn’t have before. In particular I found this conversation they have touching. A mother who didn't get to know her son, and a son who never knew his mother, finally get to connect. “I knew who you were the moment I saw you,” Draka tells him, “Do you really think I would not recognize Durotan's eyes?"

“Come, I wish to know more of your life, all of it,” she says to him, sounding tired.

It’s such a sweet moment, and bonus points for focusing on Draka, a woman who was functionally fridged prior, who now gets to be a character with personality and (some) agency in Shadowlands. It’s such a perfect demonstration of everything that could’ve been interesting in Shadowlands, what was and is interesting in Warcraft’s story, and what’s so often set aside or overlooked. Can they continue to have a relationship when the current conflict is over? Questions like this are interesting, but Shadowlands doesn’t engage with them at all, and it's poorer for it.

In Warcraft, trauma is aesthetic. Pain is aesthetic. It doesn’t matter what caused Anduin’s suffering in TWW trailer, all that’s important is that we know he’s suffering. We know he's important because he’s a main character and he’s sad about something. But, like, not sad in a way that would make him cry. That part is critical because we all know boys don't cry, right? That bias feels implicit in much of Warcraft's emotional moments. How much more touching would Thrall and Draka's reunion be if Thrall was allowed to cry at finally getting to meet his mom?

Loid does cry, at the beginning of Whispers' quest and during the story of the faction associated with the update. His emotions, and thus his story, feel more genuine and engaging for allowing him that vulnerability.

Warframe wants to engage with specific traumas, how they can make us bitter towards others, perpetuate our own and others’ pain. The point of pain is to understand it, because in understanding, that pain can be taken away. Warcraft has no interest in taking away pain, and it has no interest in understanding it. It’s not about emotional connection, because that requires a vulnerability and a capacity to self-reflect that Warcraft has no interest or courage to engage with. Pain is aesthetic.

Whispers is setting up a longer story arc for Warframe. At the time Whispers was revealed, Warframe was celebrating its 10th anniversary, and the previous main story quest wrapped up the storyline the game told from its release. In this way, Whispers is again an interesting comparison to Warcraft’s The War Within. TWW is also meant to be the start of a new story arc that will last several expansions. I know which story I’m excited about, and which one I feel nothing for.

Loid was a character I met for the first time last year, he immediately felt like a person, and I was emotionally invested. As a player I so badly want Albrecht to finally say the words Loid needed to hear. Anduin Wrynn is someone I’ve known for years, but is now a cardboard cutout. I don't feel compelled to follow his story because... what could it be? Warcraft doesn't seem interested in any conclusion or goal for him. He just is.

I have a lot of complicated emotions about World of Warcraft, as a game and as an influential piece of media. I played the game for many years, and it was an important part of my life. In many ways I’d say it's still a part of me, even after I stopped playing the game itself. Part of writing this essay was following up on some thoughts I shared with friends on BluSky, but part of it feels like exorcising a demon, or bleeding out poison. Part of me grieves for Warcraft, what it meant to me and what I thought it could have been. In Warframe though, I've found a place of comfort and compassion. In between all the space ninja nonsense and vast quantities of horrific violence the player commits, Warframe offers growth, and a way to let go of what hurts us.

—

I'll take a moment and shout out an excellent video essay by Shaun on Youtube called Andrew Tate: How to be a Real Man. It's a great resource for a more general discussion of masculinity in the real world. The video is a criticism of Tate and his approach, why it appeals to some men, and further dissects what masculinity means, and what nontoxic masculinity means. (Is it an inbox full of pictures of Aragorn?) It's a good dissection of masculinity as a concept, and one I'd recommend if you're curious about the topic of toxic/nontoxic or negative/positive masculinity.

—

Yes not only do I have my paragraph long asides I've now also added footnotes. This isn't a peer reviewed journal, you're not my mom, I do what I want!

[1] One of Warframe’s major quests is also called “The War Within” which might be confusing to a reader who knows Warframe. Don’t worry about it, I’m talking exclusively about the upcoming Warcraft expansion here.

[2] For bonus points, if you haven't played Warframe, go to 20:55 on the demo video. You'll see a logo and release date for Whispers In The Walls, hear the live crowd cheer, and the creative director will start to speak... until she's interrupted by something in the game. What you see and hear next is almost exactly as it is in the final release, including the music, minus an extra line of exposition from Loid. This wasn't just a stunt for the convention. I fucking LOVE Warframe.

[3] To be honest this is part of a personal measurement I use to gauge how queer friendly a work is: if they have queer women do they also have queer men? A good example of why I use this is Mass Effect. That franchise always had queer women and an option for lesbian romance, but only in Mass Effect 3 did they add one (1) queer option for a masculine Shepherd. I am a (nonbinary) lesbian so on the one hand I don’t want to dismiss all queer women in media as “pandering” and queer men as “valid”. It’s more of a guideline to estimate how willing a piece of media/creator is to transgress heterosexual norms. Depicting men who love men is seen as more transgressive than two women in love by the gaming community at large. The reasons for this are complicated and they all suck.

[4] hey kiddo

[5] I wanted to avoid spoilers for other Warframe story quests, but The Sacrifice is, again, an interesting point of comparison for Anduin's story. The Sacrifice is, largely, about a character coming to terms with his grief over the death of his son. If you see the whole video I link there, you'll see the player presented with three options: Wrath (We use this memory. It fuels our wrath), Acceptance (We accept this memory and move beyond its reach), and Emptiness (We return this memory to the Void and find peace in our emptiness.) I just wish Anduin's grief over Varian was, at any point, treated with this level of nuance and care.

[mudisgranapat]

II. Crash

Word count: 3,9 k

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley X F!Reader Content: zombie apocalypse, mention of dead bodies, mention of dead children, mention of death, children, enemies to lovers, slow burn

Taglist: @poohkie90 @gaida-511

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!

Note: If the storyline is confusing at some point, please let me know so I can explain with more detail! Also, there is some stuff that will make more sense with time, so have that in mind. I'm trying to make this a bit realistic, so it will be a slowish-burn. With all that said, have fun :)

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He doesn’t surprise himself with how fast his reflexes kick in anymore - the cameras were only on for seconds before Simon shot them down. He remembered where each one of them was, he barely had to look in their direction before aiming; besides, there was no use being discreet now. There was a reason Simon Riley had survived every single test life had put him through. He was fucking good at what he did. 

It was also the exact same reason why he didn’t have a life outside of work. He was a soldier with every fiber of his body: he acted like war. He didn’t take the least aggressive route, and he didn’t put people before the mission’s goal. His hands had a mind of their own when they curled into fists and when they held a gun it was turned into an extension of his body. 

None of those were compatible with dealing with an infant, and that was why, following the sound of the gunshots, a terrified cry erupted from the tiny baby’s body. Simon could swear that the noise was more aggravating than the sound of a thousand grenades exploding in his ears. All he could do was stare back at the baby through the hollow eyes of his skull mask, watching as the little girl’s face started to turn red.

“Are you out of your mind?” He didn’t need to look to know where that voice was coming from. Any small progress they had made into turning the girl into a less angry version of herself had gone out the window, and she was back to giving what seemed to be her signature disapproving glare. Somehow, the fact that Simon towered over her didn’t seem to scare the attitude out of her body. He wondered what would. “Do you not realize that there is a child by your side? You could have busted her eardrums!”

“I’m sorry about that.” Gaz says quickly. He seems to feel guilty about the whole thing, which Simon doesn’t understand. He had eliminated the threat most efficiently; if anything, she should be thankful that whoever had access to those cameras would only have seconds' worth of footage. 

“You’re not going to say anything?” She insists. Soap watches with an amusing grin. He had never seen someone challenge Ghost like that, especially when he was dressed with his whole skull mask, skeleton gloves, and tactical gear combo. The Sergeant swore he could see his Lieutenant’s eyebrow raise in surprise behind the mask. 

“A deaf baby is better than a dead one.” Simon states dryly. Y/N’s mouth drops open with an offended gasp and, seeing that as his cue, Johnny intervenes to stop the situation from escalating. He knew Simon wasn’t exactly a patient guy, and he was surprised that Ghost had stayed quiet for this long. Not that he would ever make small talk, but he figured that by now he would have at least told the woman to leave him alone, probably not so politely. Now he wished Ghost was mute, so he wouldn’t have to deal with him insulting a child.

“We’re sorry about that, lass.” He notices that there is still some urgency that lies beneath her words, and he wonders where such worry about being seen by the cameras comes from.  “Don’t worry, everything is going to be alright.” That was a phrase every soldier was trained to say, and it slipped out of Soap’s lips easily while he put a comforting hand on Y/N’s shoulder. It was meant to reassure people and get them to trust you, and he pushes further to try and get some information out of her. “What are you not telling us? I’m sure we can help you.” 

She doesn’t try to pretend she has nothing to hide but doesn’t seem willing to open up either. “Yeah, like you would care. I know you just came here to do your job, so don’t pretend you care about the damage you leave behind. I know the type of guy your little group is made of.” She pushes the hand away from her shoulder and starts to sway the baby in her arms, her venomous tone quickly switching into a sweet one as she whispers calming words into the little girl’s ears. 

“We’re not here to hurt you, or cause any trouble.” It’s the Captain’s turn to intervene, and he shoots Simon a dirty look, like a dad that reprimands their child for saying something that, albeit true, is incredibly rude. “I know this must be scary for you. And I don’t mean just the four of us walking into your house, armed. Caring for a baby in a situation like this must not be easy.” 

Maybe it’s the crying, maybe it’s the Captain’s voice (the old man can be sweet when he wants to), but she finally seems to let her walls crumble a little bit. Sitting on a nearby chair, she lets out an exasperated sigh. She looks at the baby with eyes so lovingly that they almost make Simon believe that he too could be loved. “You don’t understand. It’s more complicated than it looks.” 

“Try me.” John gives her an encouraging smile and pulls a chair for him to sit. He has one of those faces that makes you want to trust him with your life. Simon envied that about John. Sometimes he looked in the mirror and wondered if people only saw Ghost when they looked into his eyes, even after the mask was gone. He knows he does, every morning when he stares back at the lifeless eyes that watch him through the mirror. Every time he takes his mask off, he wonders if he should sew it permanently into his face - maybe then he would have an excuse to never get rid of Ghost, and let Simon slowly wither into the memory of a man he had always been.

Y/N looks at Simon, and and the hesitance behind her eyes when she looks into his, lets him know that she only sees Ghost. “I stole something from the Resistance.” She finally admits. “They are looking for me, that’s why I’ve been hiding in here.” She takes a shaky breath. “They are going to kill me if they find me.” The second part of her confession is quieter, as if she didn’t want the baby to hear the terrible faith that awaited her. 

“We won’t let that happen. We have a safe place, you can come with us.” That suggestion goes against every single one of Simon’s instincts, and he genuinely starts to worry for his Cpatian’s sanity. They can’t afford two more mouths to feed, two more people to take care of, two more people to share their resources with. But then he looks around and notices that neither Soap nor Gaz seem to disagree with Price’s offer. Then, he realizes that this is just another one of those moments where his stone-cold persona stops him from understanding why people would offer things just for the sake of being kind. 

“In apocalypse lingo that means you have a cult.”

“It’s not a cult.” Gaz laughs. “We are mostly military personnel and their relatives, trying to survive.” 

“I would say you’re doing more than surviving. I mean, what even brought you here? And don’t say you’re just looking for food. I’m no idiot.” 

“Never thought you were, lass.” Soap looks at his Captain for approval to share information about their mission. It’s not like anything was classified anymore, but habits stick. “We have some scientists that still believe they can find a cure - we came here to see if we could find anything useful.” At that, he points at Gaz, who is still sitting by the computer, now trying to load whatever he had managed to uncover into a pen drive. 

Simon notices how she visibly tenses under the word cure. His eyes are trained to see people’s reactions to information. That usually tells more about them than their own words. “I really appreciate the offer, but I am fine on my own. I will figure things out.” Y/N gets up and starts to walk towards the door, the abrupt change of humor taking them by surprise. “I always have. Good luck on your mission though, I hope your scientists are right.”  

Soap takes after her, but Simon stops him. “Let it go, Johnny. We have a mission to finish.” The Sergent nods in agreement and moves to search through a pile of old papers with a defeated look. Soon she is out of sight, but they can still hear her shuffling in a hurry downstairs. If she didn't want shelter there was nothing they could do about it. It pained Soap to watch the girl leave, but he understood a thing or two about having a hard time trusting people; he just wished there was something he could do about it.  

As they continued looking through the room, gathering the few bits of information they thought were slightly useful, Simon found himself looking through the window. That is when he caught a glimpse of Y/N, getting into an old red car she uncovered from some tarp. He was not only surprised that the junk still worked, as it looked pretty wrecked, but that she had been prepared for an emergency. He could tell the car was stuffed full of materials, blankets, and all sorts of crap that might come in handy. He lets out an amused chuckle but quickly covers it up with a cough before anyone can notice. He could tell she was resourceful from the beginning but was just now finding out to what extent.  

A few documents and a pen drive later, they decide to call the mission a success and head back to the Humvee. “You think she is gonna make it, Cap?” Gaz asks with a hint of sadness in his voice. Surviving that long hadn’t been easy, not even for them. They might have been trained to shoot moving targets, but nothing can prepare you for the blanket of dullness that covers the atmosphere during an apocalypse. No matter how long a soldier is deployed, they still have a place to come back to, a reason to fight for. But fighting and surviving are completely different things, and when life becomes empty of any motivation to keep going, you find that a rifle is lighter to carry than a heavy heart. Simon was all too familiar with that concept: It was embedded in his brain since revenge tasted like sugar and anger sounded like a song that lulled him to sleep. 

“There is no use thinking about that now, Sergent.” John says, turning on the ignition. “Now let’s get the hell out of here.” 

They were getting in the car when Gaz stopped in his tracks and turned around. “Aw shit! Forgot my cap in the house.”

“Make it quick, Sergent.”

“Will do, Captain!” He shouts from the distance as he makes his way into the house, knowing he probably won't honor his promise. He has no idea where he left the damn thing.

John chose to wait in the front seat with the ignition still on, smoking a cigar, while Ghost and Soap made idle conversation resting against the back of the Humvee. At times like this, it was hard to believe the world wasn’t normal. But then a zombie would come around and Johnny and Simon would do “rock, papers, scissors” to find out who would have to take care of it.

“Hey. LT, how many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Soap asks with a grin on his face, as he cleans his knife from the blood.

Simon pretends to think for a moment. They had been exchanging two-liners for as long as he could remember, and it was surprising they could still keep going after all this time. Once, he could swear he saw Johnny pick up a joke book from an old library that they had passed by during a mission. He never teased him about it, because he knew it would pay off during moments like this. “How many?”

“One. They are efficient and not very funny.”

“You’re not very funny.”

Before Soap could get offended, the sound of a single gunshot penetrates the air. “Hands up!” A coarse voice commands. Simon moves to grab his gun, but another shot follows dangerously close to his head. He and Soap slowly put their hands up in surrender, as they hear footsteps approaching from the front of the vehicle, effectively surrounding them. They hear Price step out of the truck, and soon he is right beside them, as they stand in a line, side to side. A small group of what looks like military men corners them. They don’t look like the unorganized militia groups that they usually come across, with improvised armor and guns they barely know how to hold. These people sport matching uniforms and seem to be well trained, carrying the weapons with a confidence that doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“Where are the girl and the baby?” The same man asks. He has a scar that runs across his left eye, clearly jeopardizing his vision. “You’re a long way from home, soldiers. So why don’t you help me and answer the question? Maybe you can still make it back to the base before sunrise.”

John tenses after hearing how well the guy seemed to know them. He hated being at disadvantage. “We haven’t seen any girls ‘round here.” 

“Now, don’t lie to me, John. I don’t like playing games.” He lets out a dry laugh. “I’ll ask you one more time: Where are they?” 

He couldn’t believe this was the Resistance. Last Simon heard from them, they were a bunch of rebels running around without purpose, creating fires so they could put them out. Yet, there they stood in front of him, the unmistakable Resistance logo plastered on the left side of their chest: A red capital R with a dagger running through it horizontally. Not only did they know their names and address, they were asking about the girl and the baby. The girl and the baby that had been with them less than an hour ago. 

They seemed familiar, and it irked Simon that he couldn’t exactly put a finger on why. 

The Resistance is still the one behind the cameras in the lab, he concluded, with enough control over their surveillance to notice a couple of abandoned cameras going online for seconds and quickly respond to the disturbance with a group of soldiers. Seconds that had been sufficient for them to recognize the girl and the baby. Whatever she had done to piss them off, Simon could guarantee it was more than stealing something. 

In response to the silence, the man puts his finger on the trigger of his gun but doesn’t raise it. Simon registers the name on his uniform: AJ Miller. When his arm lifts, a blast fills the air, in both sound and density, as a layer of smoke quickly covers the scene. 

Gaz had thrown a smoke grenade. 

Simon breathes in the smoke, and counterintuitive as it may seem, the vapor that fills his lungs brings clarity to his mind. He pulls out his gun, and the metallic smell of blood overpowers the aroma of moss that seems to always linger in the air these days. Gunshots wizz past him in every direction, each one missing him by either luck or his movements; it was hard to tell the difference. The smoke dies down and Simon counts: One, two three. No casualties. 

That matter, it is. 

Bodies lay on the ground in front of them, blood covering the old pavement, seeping through the cracks, and meeting the soil from where wildflowers grow. Empty shell casings reflect the sunlight with an even more golden hue and in a twisted way, remind Ghost of a starry night. Like most, the battle ended as suddenly as it started. 

“Everyone alright?” The Captain asks, looking around the group. Gaz, Soap, and Ghost nod in agreement. “Good work, Gaz.”

“Steaming Jesus. What in the bloody hell was that?” Soap asks. 

“The Resistance must have a new boss. Looks like someone has finally succeeded in weaponizing citizens.” John shakes his head, as if trying to find a logical explanation to what they just saw. “Last we heard of them, they were idiots chasing their own tail with a gun. Now they are a fucking army.” Silence never meant good things during war; they should have known better than to let the enemy grow undisturbed for so long. “Back in the truck, boys. Seems like Laswell will finally get the intel she has been waiting for.” 

They were about to turn into the road when they heard shooting in the distance. Gaz is in the passenger seat this time, and he gives the Captain a pleading look. “They are going to die out there, Captain. We need to help them.” They don’t need to see the shooting to know what happened: the Resistance had found the girl and the baby. They had also been smart enough to divide the search into smaller groups of people so they could cover more area at the same time.

“The Resistance wants them, Gaz. She did something to piss them off and I don’t want to get us in the middle of the crossfire. They already know enough about us as it is.” 

“She knows the Resistance better than us, Price. Maybe she can help us get the upper hand on those bastards.” Soap chimes in, taking Kyle’s side on the discussion. 

“We don’t need the upper hand on them. We are not fighting against them. Besides, I doubt she would have anything useful to add.” Ghost argues, and neither Gaz nor Soap seem surprised that he is taking the Captain’s side. 

“We are going to fight them, eventually. I mean, we have to, right?” Kyle asks. “They know too much about us to take a neutral stance against our group. They are becoming too powerful.” There was a pause and you could almost smell the hope that hung on Gaz’s words.

“They are right. Simon.” John finally gives in, as he takes a turn that puts them in the same direction the gunshots are coming from. “She might not be able to give us any useful intel, but the Resistance wants her, and until we figure out why, securing her will give us an advantage against them”. He steps on the accelerator. “Let’s just hope she didn’t get too far.”

As the commotion gets louder and their plan is laid out, Gaz positions himself out of the window, gun in hand. Soap takes the same position on the door on the back, and Simon prepares to jump out of the truck as soon as it stops. He hears a loud crash and looks out the window just in time to see the old red car get T-boned by a much newer black car. The red car drives off the road and hits a tree, and Simon wonders if the thing was built out of titanium as he watches it survive without immediately combusting into flames.

The Sergents start to shoot at the Resistance, giving Simon cover as he rushes out of the truck and in the direction of the crash. The sound of loud crying fills the air again, making his skin crawl, and soon enough he opens the door on the driver’s side. Thankfully, they had been hit on the passenger side, and the baby had been behind the driver’s seat. 

“Take Cami. Please, you have to save her. You can’t let the Resistance take her.” Cami. That must be the baby’s name. He realized no one ever asked, and Y/N didn’t tell them either. Or maybe it’s Camille. Or Camila. He had never met a Camila before. Maybe it was Chamomile - he had heard of people naming their babies after flowers. 

“You’re coming with me.” He reaches across her and undoes her seatbelt. As much as he was against the idea of taking them back to the base, he was a man following orders now.

“No. My leg is hurt, I’m going to slow you down. You need to take her and run somewhere safe. There’s no time.” She looks at him with pleading eyes. Eyes that seemed to have made peace with dying. They didn’t belong in a young face like hers. And as she stared into his eyes, she seemed to search for someone that wasn’t Ghost. Someone that would take her baby to safety, and watch it grow into a healthy young woman that she would never get to meet. 

“I’ll carry you.” You’re not going to die here, he has the urge to tell her. But he doesn’t, because that is what Simon would have done, and Ghost knows that every second in a clock becomes an hour during war. And every second spent talking, is a second that is wasted. 

“You can’t carry us both at the same time, you need to go-”

“Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do. Arms up, now.” And before she can protest more, he is throwing her on his shoulders, almost as if she is weightless. Pain shoots across her leg, but all she can think about is Cami. 

Is Cami hurt? Probably, she could hear her crying.

Is Cami dead? No, she could hear her crying.

Is she dead? She wanted to be. Her baby was crying, and there was nothing she could do to help her pain go away. 

With his free arm, Ghost opens the back door. Y/N moves on his shoulders, yelling something about Cami that he can’t quite understand because he is not paying attention. But then her voice switches to a much sweeter tone when she says “Everything is going to be okay, my love, don’t cry” over and over again, and suddenly, that is the only sound he can hear. 

He knows he should have gone for the baby first. Children should always be the first to be rescued. But for the first time, Simon was in the field and he was scared. The last time he had a baby in his arms, his brother was still alive. He remembers the silence when he walked into his house years ago, his whole family dead at his feet. He remembers Tommy’s pale and lifeless face, and he remembered it twice because he saw it again when he looked at Tommy’s dead son’s pale and lifeless face. 

He opens his eyes and hopes he doesn’t remember it a third time: but she is red, and it’s not blood, it’s just the effect of her face scrunching up and the breath coming out of her lungs. She is a baby, crying in the car seat, and she doesn’t look like Tommy. She is alive, her hands reaching for Simon, because she is too young to see Ghost. 

He is running back to the Humvee, carrying a woman on his shoulder and a child in his arms. Her voice still echoes in his head: "Everything is going to be okay, my love". 

[dr-reversebeartrap]

Allison Gordon picking up Zepp’s phone and calling back a trapped Adam

Saw 2004 canon divergence

More of a list of ideas than an actual fic even if it sort of looks like one but I can’t be bothered to make this into proper english… In the meantime bon appetit

It’s late in the morning when Allison Gordon goes back to her own house and finds Zepp’s phone in her living room. The police must have missed it. She doesn’t really think about it before she calls back the last number he’d been in communication with.

"I’m gonna kill your husband now, mrs Gordon."

She’s hoping Lawrence will reply.

It beeps five times. She keep listening, what else is there for her to do.

Somebody picks up.

Immediately she cries out "Lawrence! Can you hear me?"

Between the sound’s cracks, she hears the wails of a raspy voice. It isn’t her husband but a whole new problem.

Fight had never left her nervous system and in an instant adrenaline is back too.

"Where is Lawrence? Where’s my husband? Answer me, you monster!"

The man on the phone tells her he doesn’t know where Lawrence is, that he’s gone. That he shot him and that he left… Something happened to his foot but she can’t quite make it out with the way her phone distorts the scared voice of the young man who’s now pleading for help between wet sobs.

"Where are you? Is Adam with you?"

"That’s me!! That’s me!!" he shouts like hearing his own name and being recognized made him feel like a little bit more of a person again. "I’m chained, Mrs Gordon…"

Her anger dissolves into fear as he begs her again not to end the call.

He can’t tell her where he is, only that he’s chained in some disgusting bathroom just like Lawrence had said. It’s pitch black and there’s a dead guy with me, well a new dead guy. He cries telling her it smells bad, in reference to the stench of decaying flesh. She presses the palm of her hand into her eyes and holds her breath to avoid him hearing her starting to cry while he gets sick.

She tries to pacify him, shushing him, sometimes almost singing to him. Like he’s just having a nightmare and not living one.

She stays on call with him for hours but the phone doesn’t have much battery left.

It’s like she’s stuck in there with him. She doesn’t want to leave him alone. He told her they had light earlier but now he doesn’t anymore.

Adam doesn’t let her call the cops at first, too afraid of being abandoned again. Once she does call them, it feels like forever until they decide to show up.

They try to interrogate him but the boy is far from coherent. They can’t countain him and manage to freak him out further, up to the point they hear him put the phone down and start banging his fists against the floor out of frustration.

Allison put a stop to it by taking the phone back. Detective Kerry shrugs in acceptance. Let the poor guy have a break. It might not be the healthiest letting another victim handle this but all things considered…

Adam begs Allison not to leave again.

At times panic overtakes him, he starts shouting and sobbing into the receiver… others he gets so quiet it might be catatonia.

He asks her if he’s gonna die and Allison promises they will find him.

He calls her a liar, a liar like Larry.

Not long afterwards, he melts into apologies for getting angry at her and tells her to tell his mom that he’s sorry.

She doesn’t know what else to say to comfort him so she tells him over and over again that they will find him. She needs to hear herself say these words to him as much as she needs him to believe them. She has no way to know for certain but she needs them to be found, Adam and Lawrence both.

They stay on like this for a long time before Adam’s phone finally dies.

[trancylovecraft]

Is it ok to have a yandere stopframe x reader headcanons?

(MORAL OREL) YANDERE PLATONIC DANIELLE STOPFRAME x READER: Headcannons

Thanks for ordering!

Come again soon!

• Okay, Let’s do this.

• I’m gonna make this platonic (Paternal) since Stopframe is gay and I mostly write feminine-leaning readers (Sorry if that’s a bother!)

• So as a yandere I’d say this man is Protective, Semi-obsessive and lucid.

• He’s protective in the way he’s aware about how shitty Moralton is. Bad things happen everyday and you getting hurt is just something he cannot bare.

• Semi-Obsessive in the way he just wants to get into your interests. If you like something he does too, If you dislike something he vehemently hates it. Stopframe just wants you to have a good opinion of him.

• And Lucid in the way he knows what he’s doing is wrong. He knows he shouldn’t have this obsession with you but to be honest, He doesn’t really care.

• So I see this going only one way for once.

• I’d say you’d just need to be attending the school he works at, Go to gym class and you know, Live a normal life.

• And for some reason, Stopframe takes a liking to you and suddenly you’re the teacher’s pet.

• Maybe it was because you excelled in gym class, Or it could be that you just sat out the entire time. Maybe neither, Either way he’s taken a liking to you.

• Stopframe pushes you to excel in class. He disguises it by acting as a concerned guardian but it’s really a guise just to spend more time with you.

• He’s an opportunist at heart. Stopframe js a smart guy and he’s aware you don’t have a good home life. That’s easy to guess though, What kid in Moralton ever has good parents?

• So the more time he spends guiding you the more he asks why you’re so tired, Why you seem hungry all the time. At first you brush it off as an excuse, You forgot to eat or just couldn’t get to sleep.

• But the more he asks and the worse your homelife gets. There comes a point where you just cant take it anymore and sjust spill out everything.

• Stopframe makes sure to comfort you while you’re crying. He’s soft spoken by nature and it comes in handy.

• He tells you everything will be fine. He says that you don’t need to worry since he’ll take care of everything. You agree, Too hysteric to really understand the weight of your compliance

• From that day forward things do get better for you at school. Kids who use to tease you suddenly avoid you like the plague, Stopframe often hands you a protein bar every class and makes sure you eat as well as going easier on you in class.

• You’re extremely grateful if not a little confused. But eventually it slips your mind as you start smiling more and trying hard in class.

• Stopframe himself is happy you’re doing better. He at heart is a selfish man, Egoism is his philosophy. But for once there’s an exception in you, Someone he cares about and starts to see as his own child.

• This becomes your daily routine. Sometimes when its raining you’ll eat your lunch in his classroom, Everyday he makes sure your doing alright

• It’s nice and it seems like your life is starting to get on the right track... But it doesnt last.

• One day you come into school with a black eye. You’re crying but you try your best to hide your feelings as you go on with your day

• If anyone asks you about your injury you simply tell them you ‘accidentally’ fell down the stairs.

• People take this in no problem. All until you get to gym class.

• Stopframe pulls you aside. He’s worried in an angry yet concerned kind of way.

• Out of everyone you trust him. So you tell him what happened and how it really wasn’t accidental. Your father had pushed you down the stairs while he was drunk.

• Stopframe is fucking fuming at this point. He doesn’t show it though as he tells you to sit out of class today to rest.

• Throughout the day you expect to be called into a teacher or counsellors office but it never comes

• It only does when you come home late from running around with Orel and the gang. Lights of red and blue and yellow caution tape plastered everywhere.

• Promptly you are told by an officer that your parents had been involved in a home robbery, Getting killed in the process as you see their bodies rolled out in stretchers.

• You’re devastated. They may of been horrid, Awful and useless parents but they were the only thing giving you a home. You don’t have any other family to speak of, Your completely alone.

• Thats until Stopframe comes in. He happened to be passing by, You don’t even need to tell him what happened as he already understands.

• Adoption papers signed. Stopframe is now your dad, Congrats.

• Stopframe himself is pretty alright as a platonic yandere.

• Generally he lets you go out of the house even though you need a tracker on it and you need to inform him of who you’re with at all times.

• Your friends need to be approved by him. If he doesn’t vibe with the vibe then they’re out.

• Stopframe makes sure your taken care of. He provides you with food, Clothing and lots of other things you ask for.

• The two of you like to watch sports games or share a beer. You know, Like the stereotypical southern dad.

• No romantic partners. No, None. He won’t let you. This isnt up for discussion.

• Nor will he let you get close to anyone else. You’re his kid not anyone elses

• Stopframe killed your parents. Straight up. Lets say if you ever find out its not going to be fun

• Yeah, They were abusive pieces of shit but the pictures you seen of the autopsy was horrifying. Their bodies had been mutilated to the point you thought it was spaghetti Marana on first sight.

• You try to run away from home you might actually have a chance

• But if you do end up getting caught its not ending well for you.

• Doors? Locked. Alone time? Gone. Legs? Broken.

• He loves and cares for you but he will not hesitate to break your legs if it means you cant escape.

• Suddenly you’re being homeschooled and the light of day is just a fools dream at this point

• Yep. Good luck with that!

[spatialwave]

Hi dropping on to say I’m so thankful someone else is currently as captivated with Limoreau as I am but is a writer and creates sweet sweet content. I think you’re doing amazing at writing them, thank you so much.

Obsessed with Jordan and Marie always trying to protect the other, always looking at each other even when they were rivals. I like to think that at some point Jordan notices Marie protecting them and at first doesn’t get why and tries to make sure they’re protecting her and not the other way around. And then a cycle of this until they finally just ask her why she’s putting herself in danger for them and then they both turn into queer mush idk I love them 💖

you... are so sweet oh my god! i am so glad i can write them for you, it is a pleasure! 🩵 (warning: writing this little musing ficlet made me cry.)

-

protecting others was the reason why students wanted to major in crimefighting, or at least, that's what should have been the main reason. jordan li took that promise very seriously, and it showed when they had to fight luke. without any hesitation, then stepped between their friend and a girl they hardly knew - just to protect her.

that’s when jordan realized a pattern. maybe it was because either one of them hated the notion of owing each other a favour, regardless, the two of them seemed to be crazy protective of each other.

it was an unending cycle, jordan would protect marie, then marie would step in and protect jordan. it was weird, jordan couldn’t comprehend why she would want to step in like that.

the more jordan thought about it, the more it made them frustrated and angry. the last thing they ever wanted was for marie to get hurt because of them. they'd live with that regret and guilt forever.

it hurt especially when they got close, emotions rose and feelings bloomed. that fear of marie getting hurt was beginning to swallow them whole, and it was a complicated feeling. marie was her own person, she was strong... jordan didn't want to bring it up and come across like they didn't believe in her.

that just weren't used to someone wanting to protect them, too.

it wasn’t until after they got their memories back — when jordan remembered the fight with sam, where jordan had put themselves between marie and sam only after she jumped head first into battle. oh, how it rattled them. how could she have been so careless? to jump in without even as much of a plan?

it was eating them away when they returned to godolkin later that night. they had spent several hours sitting on their bed wondering how they were going to approach this without making it seem like marie was incapable, but they couldn’t take it anymore.

the confrontation started with jordan knocking on marie’s door with a heavy fist, five knocks for good measure. marie opened the door and her eyes widened, a smile spreading on her lips, “hey-“

“why are you so frustrating?” jordan questioned immediately, pushing past marie into her room. much like the time of their first kiss.

she was taken back, blinking a few times as if she was having deja vu.

“excuse me?” she asked, already offended by their verbal attack, “what did i do?”

jordan turned around, tucking back a few loose curls behind their ear as they looked at marie, “you… you’re always getting in the way! every fight you’re always running in head first and trying to protect me. why?”

“what?” marie shut the door, walking a bit closer to jordan with a confused look on her face, “you’re mad at me because i’m… helping you?”

this is exactly the energy that jordan was avoiding, but they didn’t exactly do a good job at positive communicating. they sighed as they ran a hand down their face, trying to take a moment to relax before they continued to run their mouth off like a maniac.

“look,” they started, taking a step forward and looking deep into marie’s eyes, “i’ve just- i’ve never had someone like you in my life before, alright? i don’t want to see you get hurt.”

those words made marie’s heart skip a beat, but she was hesitant to let it go, “i can take care of myself.”

“that’s not what i’m insinuating.”

“then explain it better. use your words better.” marie stood her ground, arms over her chest as she watched jordan with thinned eyes.

it sent a shiver down jordan’s spine. she was right.

a few moments of silence passed before jordan parted their lips, “i’m scared you’re going to get hurt because of me. when you put yourself in danger like that it fucking sucks, okay? i hate feeling like i’m the reason you’re going to get yourself caught up in something stupid just to protect me.” the words came out of their mouth easier than expected, their breath quickening and heart rate sky rocketing. their eyes shook with vulnerability as they stared at marie.

tears had began to well up.

“oh, fuck,” marie murmured as she saw the pain in jordan’s eyes, walking close to them and wrapping her arms around their shoulders tight, “i didn’t know.”

an awkward laugh bubbled up as a tear rolled down jordan’s cheek, “yeah, well, obviously i’m shit at communicating,” they said as their arms gently wrapped around marie’s waist, fingers curling into the fabric of her red hoodie.

she pulled back slightly so she could look at jordan, moving one of her hands to wipe away the tear that rolled down their cheek.

“i can’t promise that i won’t get hurt,” she spoke softly, the most gentle smile forming on her lips, “but i’m not going to stop. i care about you, jordan. i care about you so much that i would rather get hurt if it meant you didn’t. that’s what you did for me with luke… and i didn’t appreciate it until it was too late.”

jordan couldn’t speak, their eyes filling with more tears that dared to spill. they could only listen to marie, hearing those words that soothed their angry heart.

“i’m making it up to you.”