#like yes. this is just what my disordered eating struggling ass needed for the summer

[boomerang109]

im gonna kill her

[impala1967dwinchester]

Hello I just wanted to say ur amazing writer and I was wondering if I can request Winchester brother x sister reader where the reader is the youngest Winchester maybe around 16- 17 you can choose the fits but I was hoping u can do like where the reader is depressed and has ED (eating disorder ) and doesn’t tell the brothers and one day it gets worse and passed out the brothers are worried trying to help her out but it hard for her I hope this ok if not I can do different request it just I found comfort in angst topics with struggles I go through you know sorry if this doesn’t makes sense

It started years ago. To be exact it started when your father lost it, going mental on your oldest brother Dean. The three of you were thick as thieves and it physically hurt to see the complete and utter destruction your father left behind for Dean to clean up.

Living your life on the road was okay, you had two great older brothers that kept you up. Kept you in good spirits but it's hard when your whole world around you is crashing. You know it, your family knows but no one else.

How Dean and Sam ever dealt with the massive weight on their shoulders. It blew your mind. You. You weren't worth anything, especially not your mother burning on the ceiling. Your father resented you. You didn't need him to say it, because you could tell. Dean was his soldier, Sam was the disappointment, but the smartest out of the three of you. But you, you were the reason all four of you were in this mess. The reason why John was searching for that revenge every day.

Covering it up with the idea of saving people, but you were smart, so very smart. Sam had complimented you many times on your quickness, and sharpness when it came to the lore, but regarding your father, it was never the approval you were looking for.

Lots of things happened, to get you to the age of seventeen and drowning in the pit of your stomach all because you all no desire to be here anymore. You weren't helping your older brothers you were just in the way.

In the way of progress, a major setback to them. For them to prove to John that they would be like him, do like him. They'd have to leave you behind. It was for the best.

It started off as a way to conserve the little food the four of you had. At the ripe age of seven you learned quickly that offering your food to Sam was a better idea, or skipping off to lay in a shitty motel bed was better than eating. Yes your stomach would growl and the acid would burn, but anything to keep the weight of your brother off your shoulders.

As you grew up you learned that if you stayed at school as long as you could it was the best. Dean had just learned how to drive driving was his passion, reading was Sam. And yours... yours was to stay away, out of the way.

By the age of fifteen, you had your patterned packed down and tight. You leave with Sam since he drove you to school, and since he was a senior. You felt a wave of dizziness almost every morning. The night's dinner is still wrapped in its paper bag. Claiming to take it for lunch. Dean never argued with you. Kiss your forehead and hitting the pillow quicker than he hit on the girls that passed by the motel's door.

Your father was already starting to become absent. The shadow of what a perfect family no one ever talked about. You thrived in the school building though. Sam kissed your forehead his height greatly giving him the advantage before saying his goodbyes to you and running to meet with his senior friends.

You walked alone in the hallways. The bullying started almost immediately the second you stepped into the building. Near of my brothers were aware of the shit I went through on a daily basis. Years later they still weren't.

You had settled on never telling them about my dislike for eating, you hoped and prayed most night that they'd never find out. It was better without their acknowledgment of your weakness. Who knows they might be the same way everyone was at school.

The last year had been hard for you and your brothers, your father making less, and less of an effort with all three of you. Your relationship was already straining to stay alive, the burning and hurt in the bit of your stomach was something that was constant now, and from what you could tell it wasn't going to get any better.

Your brothers are now in their early 20's still taking care of their baby sister. Nights you guys sat down for dinner were odd, without John there. The quiet days where a now older Sam would drive you to school, along by yourself all day long. The teasing being relentless.

The whole idea, you were constantly dizzy, constantly on the verge of falling asleep no matter if you were in class, or at the crappy motel room with your brothers.

Tonight though, tonight your world fell apart as you walked in through the door, your final year of schooling was just starting your summer of staying inside and reading was over. The hot day of September had gotten to you more than you were willing to say. As you walked in through the motel door, the cool air hitting you in your face, and the hot air of the evening summer day kicking you in your ass.

It was too much, down you and your light bookbag went. Dean had been on one of the motels' beds when he heard you fall, Sam behind hadn't been able to catch you even with his long arms.

You don' remember much. You do remember hearing the sounds of your brothers frantically rushing around the room, one dropping his gun, and the other rushing over to your side.

"Dean what the hell just happened?" Sam asked in a frantically worried voice. "I don't know all I heard was the engine of Baby, and then her fall to the floor," Dean said rushing to your thin frame. Neither had noticed until now when they finally had time to pay attention to their baby sister that she was rather thinner than a normal seventeen-year-old.

Paler then normal, "Sam do you notice it?" Dean asked as Sam pulled the lightweight bookbag from your small shoulders. A small hum came from Sams's lips, maybe it was too much to say it. The words making truth when they leave his lips.

Sam picked you up feeling just how boney you were. "How did we let her get this bad Dean?" He questioned, Dean kept his head down grabbing her bag and following behind Sam to the bed's side.

When you woke up your two brothers were talking quietly in the tiny kitchen. Sam saw you try to get up their conversation stopped at a halt, and they both came over to help you.

Quiet overcame the room. Dean was the first to speak. "How are you feeling, Y/n?" He asked, you shrugged your shoulders, the ache in your body was strong, but not enough to make that your brother's problems.

"Y/n please be honest with us... Is this the first time something like this has happened?" Your brother Sam asked. Swallowing hard, before talking you answered Dean's question. "I feel fine guys really nothing to worry about." Answering Sams was going to be harder, you don't really remember the last time something like this happened, maybe last week in school, maybe a few years ago. "I don't remember Sam." That was all you said. Sad expression littered their coarse and worn faces.

"Y/n, how long have been like this?" Dean asked, furrowed brows as he asked the question. "Like what?" You replied. "Like how you don't eat at dinner and think we don't notice, how long Y/n? Just answer please." Dean said.

You tried opening your mouth, but the pressure of being truthful with your brothers was overbearing. Trying again and still, nothing slipped out. Sam ur interrupted your train of thought. "Since dad started on with his hunt for yellow eyes?" Simple questions always have a simple answer.

"If you want an honest answer I'd say seven or eight." You said, pushing yourself up from laying in the bed to sitting up against the headboard. The gasps for air were real between your two brothers. One hand came to rest on top of yours while the other paced around the motel room.

Your guess as to which was mad, and empathic wasn't hard for you. Dean pacing around the room meant he was angry, and Sam's empathic hand on top of yours meant he to wanted help. "Why didn't you tell us?" Dean questioned me, Sam turned to look at his older brother. "That won't help, we were talking remember. We need to help her, bot questions her about her actions or even her reason why." Sam said, Dean, calm down as he continued to pace.

Sam returned his attention to you. Hand still laying on top of yours, "Y/n why don't we, all the three of us help you yeah?" He said you laughed a little and Dean looked up from his pacing feet. "I don't think you guys could ever help me. I've been and felt this way for ten years now. This is just how I am now. Broken and worthless to this Winchester family." You said the strain of holding back was harder than you thought. Dean had paused his pacing staring at you and Sams's hand had engulfed yours.

Dean came over, putting his finger under your chin, grabbing your attention. "You listen here, to Sam and I. We care more about you than you'll ever know. We don't care what any person thinks, we don't care about Dad as much as we care about our little sister. Now believe me when we say that all we want to do is help you, helping you is what Sam and I are here for. Y/n you aren't alone, you aren't, worthless, and you most definitely aren't broken. We can help you all you have to do is let us in." Dean said sitting down next to you when he was down.

"We love you and don't wanna see so much potential be wasted especially when we knew we could have helped you," Sam added. You were having a hard time believing them, but nothing would stop you from trying especially when you had your brothers by your side.

[marriedmormon]

Monica

Posted Sept 2020 Still in quarantine with no end in sight. All I have right now are my memories and since I have a minute alone I was thinking of another affair from the summer of 2015 (I think) that I should share.  Monica was the 2nd married girl I fucked from the same job (see Elsie). Unlike Elsie, Monica was Mormon. Neither girl knew that I was with the other and they still don’t know. Monica struggled a little with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and some real mental insecurities about what she looked like, so she truly compensated by spending time in the gym. Because of that,  Monica was really into keeping fit and working out, as was I. Although she felt unsexy, fat, or whatever she thought, it was all in her head.  We talked a lot about our workouts and physical goals but nothing ever sexual. All of that changed one day when our conversation somehow turned towards abs. I mentioned that it was my goal to have abs again like I had when I was her age (7 year difference). Of course the key to abs is a strict diet or artificial assistance and since I no longer had the discipline for a strict diet and I didn’t want my balls to shrink from steroids, I was only pipe dreaming. She laughed and suggest increasing my cardio by swimming.  I asked her if she swam and she sent me some pics of her competitive days. I was completely in love with her body. You would have thought these were photoshopped they were that perfect. In my innocent compliments, she felt embarrassed or insecure so I kept with the compliments. Not knowing exactly what I said, I definitely struck a chord. Whatever it was it was exactly what she needed/wanted to hear.  After that day, our friendship turned up a notch and she was almost fishing for compliments every day. She would send me pics of her working out or where ever she was biking/hiking/running that day. I would always show interest or envy and always complimenting. Monica wasn’t the girl she was in her prime, but she also was still very damn sexy. One day she was doing a back workout and sent me a video of her doing lat pulls. I told here “I didn’t know that shoulders could be that sexy!” I could hear her blushing via text. And a few mins later I got a pick of her flexing her back and shoulders without a top on so I could see all of here tone. I told her that I needed to see the front to really get the “fullness of her toneness”. Ask and ye shall receive! Viola she sent me a topless pic. I asked for more but didn’t get any. It truly became a digital affair at this point. At this point we had two conversations. One on FB, and one on a secret phone app. The FB one was totally to keep up appearances so suspicions wouldn’t arise. But the fun one was in the app. We did it all at this point. Pics, Videos, sexting, etc. I told her that I wanted to fuck her so bad but there were the complications of spouses. Finally each of us was able to get away using the excuse that we were going to go to a High School to do some stair training. I told my wife that it had to be in the evening because it was way too hot to do stairs with the sun up. The night came and we met up at the track. She was wearing tight running shorts and a sports bra. We walked around the track a few times warming each other with some dirty talking and flirting and grabbing each other. I told her that I had always wanted to make out on the 50-yard line of the stadium, so she’s said let’s do it. We walked over to the 50-yard line right in the middle of the field  and started going at it. I immediately stuck my hands down and started playing with her ass. In about 3 seconds I had one hand buried in her amazingly wet pussy the other gripping her ass. She wanted in on the fun as well, and started stroking my cock through my shorts. After a couple of minutes of this she pulled them down, pushed me to the ground and started giving me a blow job there in the middle of the field. It was dark enough but still light enough outside to be seen.  I laid there, my arms behind my head, a hot chick bouncing her mouth up and down on my cock, thinking the world couldn’t get any better than this. As I was laying there I noticed two figures walk into my field of view. I tapped Monica and she slid up and put her knee across my waist so the people couldn’t see. Another couple was there to just hang out and make out in the stadium. It was hilarious! Monica just snuggled up to me and waited for them to leave. After they walked away I suggested to her that maybe we should go someplace a little more private. There was a church nearby with a gazebo I knew was dark and secluded. When we got there we kissed standing up as I quickly pulled her shorts down.  Then I laid her on a bench, got down on my knees and dove my tongue into her pussy. I loved eating her pussy and Monica had a wonderfully tangy flavor, so I proceeded to eat her.  After a few minutes and I knew she had came, her juices were dripping from my chin. I dropped my shorts and moved on top of her to share her flavor with her, and as I did so I pushed my cock into her pussy. She allowed me to thrust there for a bit, then suggested we swap places. I lay down on my back and she climbed on top of me sliding her wonderfully wet pussy down my cock. She proceeded to ride me, moaning and having a great time. I was very relaxed, letting my hands roam all over her body, managing to finally get my hands on her tits.  I had one hand on her chest and used my other thumb to stroke her clit. Occasionally she would bend down and we would tangle tongues some more, but mostly she enjoyed sitting up and riding me. I put my hands on her hips and was enjoying the feeling of being inside her, when I began to feel the pressure build for my impending orgasm. As I reached the point of no return, I told her I was going to cum. At this point she released me from her pussy and slid down and took my cock into her mouth. She squeezed the base of my cock as she bounced her mouth up and down, until I started to come down her throat. I was so amazed that she swallowed it all like a trooper! We cuddled for a bit but didn’t want to raise suspicions being gone too long on our “Workout” so we parted ways and went home.  We continued to have some digital fun but she always felt a little guilt about what happened that night. A few times we talked about doing it again but never did. I am not sure if it was guilt or if it was just too difficult to get away again. Neither of us still work at the same place so we have grown apart. We are still FB friends but all our conversations are public now and on FB only. I really wish that we had more than just one time together. Here is a link to a pic of Monica. It is the only one I have of her without her face. Sorry if you wanted to see her face. https://www.flickr.com/photos/123073719@N03/48481283962/in/album-72157703553109144/ 

[vividaway]

Maybe instead of focusing on Joey and Daniel calling Gabbie out (which is their right. If Gabbie can call out them for what she perceives as bad working conditions, than they have every right to refute her claims), you and the rest of the stans should address the latest information about Bianca that has been brought to light as well as the fact that Gabbie stalked someone online who happened to be underaged.

PLEASE CONSIDER SIGNING TO MAKE BIANCA'S LAW REAL. https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

BEFORE ALL OF THIS LET ME SAY: your use of Bianca Devins in this disgusting manipulative way is exactly that-- disgusting and manipulative. my twitter messages are open, so to not only track down my tumblr, but ANONYMOUSLY LEAVE A MESSAGE TRYING TO USE BIANCA'S NAME LIKE THIS? DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING.

___

Alright, here's a concept.

It's not Joey and Daniels place to refute Gabbie's claims. Their main point in all of this was "She never filled out the form! It's all her fault!" which is actually irrelevant to the story, seeing as she had told them PERSONALLY. in a FACE TO FACE INTERACTION.

the fact of the matter is, as the showrunner, and literal creator of the show, it is your responsibility to ensure the safety of ALL of your cast and crew. and yes, this does include the mental well-being (of the rest of the cast)--

-- and on that note, i also need to say that them not communicating to Gabbie that she were to be killed off, to me, is just unprofessional. it would have made filming a lot better. like honestly, do you think Gabbie would have been as pissed if she knew she wasn't going to be there again?

and another thing-- if Gabbie acted SO horribly, why did they stay her friend? Collab on her channel? if Gabbie acted SO BADLY during SEASON TWO... why did they invite her back? and if Tana was an issue, why invite HER back? I'm very glad that tana had a better time during season 4, but the fact that they knew BOTH OF THEM were bad on set, yet invited them back? they're literally setting up every other person around them for a toxic work-place experience. I've said it once and it's my next point, too, its un. pro. fessional.

ignoring all of that. literally every single piece of information i've stated above. THERE ARE TWO SOLE REASONS I STAND WITH GABBIE.

1. Joey and Daniel, no matter how horrible Gabbie may have acted, had no right to play out Gabbie's voice memo's where she was expressing that she was EXTREMELY UPSET. that she was dealing with multiple things in her life. They had NO right. Trisha Paytas, of all people, has even heard that voice memo enough to MOCK, AND MAKE FUN OF GABBIE'S EATING DISORDER, PUBLICLY, MULTIPLE TIMES, REFERENCING THE VOICE MEMO. to have the people you WORKED FOR, DO THAT? how could anyone in their cast ever trust them again? who's to say you wont send them a genuinely confidential voice memo, and they STILL decide to share it with people?

2. BECAUSE GABBIE'S MENTAL HEALTH ISNT A CRUTCH, IT ISNT AN EXCUSE, AND IT SURE AS HELL ISNT A JOKE. Gabbie Hanna was on the brink of suicide, she was struggling with an eating disorder, had undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD, was dealing with immense c-ptsd, and it is ALL. FUCKING. VALID.

for YEARS. I've been told to stop using my Bipolar as a crutch. that i was in therapy for it, and that i needed to use coping mechanisms. i was later diagnosed with BPD-- and suddenly i didn't need to cope anymore. my anger was suddenly understandable. people finally believed me.

you DO NOT. HAVE TO HAVE. A FUCKING GOD DAMN PERSONALITY DISORDER TO BE FUCKING BELIEVED.

ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING?

my BPD WASN'T THE ISSUE.

IT WAS MY ADHD.

its literally wired into our brains, and WE. CANNOT. CONTROL. IT. the ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TREAT IT.

to continue to NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY EXPRESSING THEIR LIMITS is the reason mental health is in its infancy today. we know when something is too much, and we know when our conditions are causing us to have outbursts, because its something we dont do EVERY SINGLE DAY. we need to realize that ALL. MENTAL. ILLNESSES. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. JUST AS DIFFICULT. AND JUST AS UNIQUE, AS ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS.

with the amount of genetical defects, the amount of nationalities that exist, the amount of co-morbidities, EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM YOU? you GENUINELY expect there to be a person in the world with the EXACT SAME THOUGHT PROCESS, exact same conditions, exact same life circumstances, as me? as Gabbie? as YOU?

there is a reason people with mental illness have a common symptom, no matter the condition. that symptom is the thought that no one in the world can possibly have the same thought process as you. its the symptom that i essentially expressed a paragraph before this one. and its because we realize that THERE ISNT. that it isnt a symptom, but a fact, to us. because you cant thing the way i can. my brain will only ever process the way MY. BRAIN. PROCESSES.

that. is why i stand by Gabbie.

____________________________________________

So, the new information about Bianca Devins? Alright, lets talk about it.

Kim Devins, Bianca's mom, has called for all drama channels to apologize to Gabbie Hanna for the way they treated her in regards to her commenting on Bianca's shirts.

I know you want me to say that it turns out Gabbie is actually manipulating the mother, and Gabbie actually WAS exploiting Bianca---

NO.

KIM DEVINS IS A GROWN WOMAN. KIM DEVINS HAS SAID PUBLICLY, ON HER OWN, PUBLIC TWITTER ACCOUNT, THAT GABBIE HANNA DESERVES AN APOLOGY. KIM DEVINS HAS STATED THAT EVERYTHING GABBIE HAS SAID WAS IN FACT-- THE TRUTH. TO SAY GABBIE IS LYING, IS TO SAY THE MOTHER IS LYING, AS THE MOTHER HAS NOT ONLY APPROVED OF, BUT ENDORSED THE VIDEO.

i know i linked this before everything, but if you haven't already, PLEASE. FUCKING. SIGN.

https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

_____________________________________________

Yeah uhh..so first off, Gabbie never doxxed ANYONE. as someone who's had their literal home IP leaked-- you shouldn't just throw that term around lightly. its genuinely traumatic for people to be doxxed.

Gabbie did however, grab the IP of someone. she did this, because she was worried it was someone SHE FULLY KNEW, was a danger to minors.

Second off, this was talked about quite awhile ago, in april or may-- she actually did that WELL OVER a year ago. we only know because she talked about it on Marco Polo (an app where you can group video chat and text. it was a perk of one of the tiers of her patreon) and it was leaked recently. so i don't really get your point in that.

Gabbie only did that because of all the minor fans that people were SCREAMING for Gabbie to protect last summer. They blamed Gabbie for certain fans that were getting bullies by anti's, all because Gabbie herself didn't tell people not to. so OF FUCKING COURSE she is going to do anything she can to protect her fans if she FULLY KNOWS a PROPER P*DO is trying to imitate a fan account, and she thinks she found it.

When the IP didn't match with where she knew the gross ass guy lived, she completely discarded it. Honestly, if you're upset with this, you might at well be upset with THIS, too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaJqBug10MQ

--------------------------------------------------------

ALL OF THIS TO SAY:

THIS IS A THOMAS SANDERS BLOG

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT GABBIE HANNA.

[eldritchsurveys]

768.

Why did you last feel like crying? >> When I checked my bank account because I was trying to decide whether to get HBO Max or not, and I discovered that my stimulus check is coming on Wednesday. I’m just really relieved, lmao. Had just about resorted to convincing myself that I wasn’t going to get one at all. But now I can get some stuff I need but can’t normally afford!

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? >> I don’t remember. It probably had to do with people making noise.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? >> Er. Well, here’s the thing -- on a good day, when I’m not having Symptoms Of Disorders, my emotions can be pretty manageable, or at least my management of them can feel pretty competent and compassionate. On the other days, my emotions can be a fucking game of Minesweeper where all the squares have mines in them. Except one. One square has 100 mines in it. The probability of stepping on that square is like 80%. So.

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? >> Well, yes, if that sort of thing was shared with me.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? >> I... don’t think I’d like to be friends with people who have a habit of bringing up “negative” things about me.

What quality do you think you have that others don't think you do? >> I don’t know, I haven’t taken a poll or anything.

Do you often "jump" to conclusions? >> I mean, maybe. I don’t know how often I do it but it’s probably the average amount.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? >> That definitely depends on the context of the situation.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? >> No, because I don’t.

What about the world do you wish you never found out? >> ---

Do you know first aid? >> Not really, mostly because I’ve rarely had an opportunity to practice it.

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? >> Not as a rule.

Does your first name have an L in it? >> No.

Middle name have a C in it? >> No.

Last name have a R in it? >> No.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? >> No, they don’t. But Sparrow’s spells “SAD” and that’s pretty funny.

The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? >> I mean, she is on antidepressants.

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? >> Nope alternative???? I don’t know if that’s a typo or what but that’s hilarious to me for some reason. Anyway, I listen to both classic rock and alternative.

Do you like Kings of Leon? >> Sure. They’re, like... motel-grunge/motel-rock adjacent. (I can’t be the only person who’s made up that term, for certain kinds of bands. Like Queens of the Stone Age and shit. Sometimes Kings of Leon gives the same vibe, but... cleaner, I guess.)

How about The Script? >> Never heard of them.

Does crying make you feel better? >> Sometimes, but first I have to go through the hell of letting myself cry in the first place.

Do you know a girl called Becca? >> No.

How about a guy called Gregory? >> No. I almost said yes and then I realised I was thinking of Greg Hirsch from Succession. smh

Does someones background effect whether you'll be friends with them or not? >> Their... background? What kind of background are we talking about here?

How about their religious background? >> I mean, I don’t think I could be friends with a fundamentalist evangelical Christian. But most non-fundie versions of religions are okay with me.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? >> ---

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? >> Nope. It’s almost warm weather time, so I won’t be drinking much tea at all until fall, unless it’s iced.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? >> No.

How about a fashion designer? >> Yeah, I used to draw outfits and shit. I still think fashion is a fascinating industry but I want no part of it myself.

Do you wish that magic was real? >> I mean, no, not really. Also, like. I have Inworld. So.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? >> ---

Can you use a bottle opener? >> Sure.

Do you own a cheese grater? >> Yeah.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? >> 11.06p EST.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? >> The 20th of May.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? >> Nope.

Do you prefer fire or ice? >> I have no general preference. They’re both valuable.

Do you rap along with rap songs? >> If I know the lyrics, yeah...

When happy, do you become more talkative? >> Not necessarily. Sometimes I’m happiest in silence.

Bowling or sailing? Why? >> ---

What colour is your kettle? >> Black.

How about your microwave? >> White.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? >> It doesn’t matter.

How about in a train? On the bus? >> I have a specific seat I like on the bus. Train, doesn’t matter. (On the subway, I liked sitting in the smallest seats so there’d be less chance of someone sitting next to me. Some of the newer trains have that one-seater that flips up, by the door? Love that seat.

Do you care about politics? >> Fuck no.

Obama or Bush? >> Well, that’s this survey dated.

Blair or Brown? >> ---

When did you last cook something from scratch? >> I don’t remember.

What things make you jealous? >> ---

Are you offended easily by non politically correct language? >> I’m not easily offended, period. Most things I recognise aren’t meant to be taken personally by me, specifically. But obviously I’m leery of the usage of incendiary language -- I’m not going to hang out with someone who throws around racial slurs or mocks people for having feelings about words meant to hurt them, like, duh.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? >> I have no opinion about this, especially not a generalised one.

Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above? >> I’m getting tired because it’s around my bedtime.

What's your I.Q? >> ---

What's your Mum's Mum called? How about your Dad's Dad? >> ---

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? >> Waffles.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? >> I think Sparrow still has some in there. Oh, and I still have a few mochi ice cream balls.

How about chicken nuggets? >> No, just fried chicken.

Do you eat fish often? >> Not as often as I’d like.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? >> No.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? >> I don’t know if anyone’s afraid of me. If someone is, I bet they’re not going to go around telling me about it.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? >> ---

Do you like watermelon? >> Eh. I don’t get the hype.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? >> ---

Do you make friends easily? >> No.

What makes you different from everyone else? >> Nothing, dude. I mean, I obviously have differences from people I know, or people I might encounter, but not from literally every human on earth.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? >> ...

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? >> My what.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? >> Not especially.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? >> No.

I say purple, you think... >> Sparrow, because I think she’d paint the whole world purple if given half a chance.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? >> Just, you know. My existence.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? >> It can make me uncomfortable because of brain shit, but I also appreciate it and will try to express appreciation instead of discomfort.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? >> No, because the language of astrology as used to describe a person is more complex than just wherever the Sun was when you were born.

Do you have a photo album? >> No.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? >> *shrug*

What about the most disturbing? >> *shrug*

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? >> No. I did summer theater once and I’ve gone to day camps.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? >> Johnny Bravo is the only cartoon I remember watching, tbh. I didn’t get to see a lot of television unless it was the boring ass shit (to a child, anyway) my dad watched.

What was your biggest fear as a child? >> Thunderstorms. Until I hit thirteen and then suddenly I just... wasn’t afraid of them anymore. Don’t ask me how it happened, I really don’t know. (It might have been more gradual than that, of course. Memory is unreliable, especially from that far back.)

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? >> Breathe underwater. So, you know, I could actually not almost drown for once.

What about invisibility or mindreading? >> Invisibility. I want nothing to do with other people’s minds.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? >> No, which is why I don’t look in the mirror unless it’s necessary.

Which stereotype do you dislike the most? >> All of them??? Stereotypes in general?

Can you remember all your past teachers names? >> I can remember more than I’d expect to remember, but definitely not all of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? >> No.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? >> Yeah, I failed the English midterm and final in 11th grade -- well, I say “failed” but it’s more like “I got a zero because I literally turned in a blank sheet of paper”. I... was definitely struggling.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? >> No.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? >> Fuck no???

What's your favourite thing about your country? >> Dude.

What's your least favourite thing about your country? >> Sigh.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? >> I don’t have a favourite, I just use bzoink to find surveys.

What websites do you have bookmarked? >> I have a lot of websites bookmarked.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? >> No. Well, I’ll stick a bow on a Christmas gift because why not, but outside of Christmas I don’t even wrap gifts. I might put it in a bag but that’s it.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? >> I grew up listening to soul and R&B and gospel, so yes, that’s all still part of me.

What TV show scared you as a kid? >> None.

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? >> Hmm. Well, I don’t really know anything about The Simpsons, but I’d probably like it better than Family Guy, and South Park is so hit-or-miss (with a lot of misses) for me that I can’t really deal with it anymore.

[sallyface-incorrect]

The Struggles of Having ADHD

- Only Being able to sleep either 2 hours or 16, there’s no in between. I am legit typing this at 3:02 am because I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept that much and it sucks. Summer is for sleeping, not for stress.

- Not being able to remember basic information about someone like their name, but being able to remember that they once told you that their great great aunt had a mole on her foot the shape of Texas. True story btw, sorry Amber.

- Feeling like your being rejected if your friend can’t make it to hang out with you because of family reasons. RSD is a bitch. Like the tiniest thing can make you feel rejected. Ie, your mom telling you not to be so loud, someone asking why your sneezes are so loud, someone asking you to return their pen, etc.

- Having your medication ware off/forgetting to take it and being the most annoying bitch in the galaxy. I once went on a school trip and my meds wore off and I ended up spending the 2 hour bus ride back annoying the guy who was trying to sleep in front of me, again, I am so sorry Max.

- IDK if it’s just me but, chewing on literally everything. Bottle caps, paper, fabric, rubber (my favorite), and much more. I used to get punished all the time for chewing on things I wasn’t supposed to. Nail biting is also a big thing. And so is hair chewing.

- Being told “You’re too smart to have ADHD”. Well Susan, I have a neurological devolpmental disorder, I’m not retarded.

- Either giving too much information or not enough when in conversation, and also bringing up really irrelevant things in the conversation like, I know we’re talking about the Louisiana Perchance but can I tell you about this one time it rained and I saw a snail?

- Being botherd by loud and/or repetitive noises. Pen clicking and high pitched sirens make me want to scream. They suckkk harder then Travis wants to suck Sal’s dick. And the worse is when people think you’re weird or that you have a problem with them for asking. I understand you like to click your pen and I’m so sorry it’s just so loud...

- Being afraid of your friends rejecting you. Again, RSD is a bitch. Like you’re afraid that one day your bestie will get up and leave and never come back and it’s all your fault and you suck and ughhhhhh. You’re also afraid their s/o / parents hate you and one day they’ll convince them to just leave you.

- Medication is a godsend but it’s also problematic. The stuff that I take fucks up my sleep schedule, my appetite, and make me tired and nauseous. It also gives me headaches and belly aches :(

- Either being so hungry that you also eat everything in your fridge or being so not hungry that even the concept of food disgust you. And sometimes, you even throw up because food is so gross and you’re gross and all that gross is inside you and eww.

- Intense, powerful migraines. They get worse in the winter months. Last year I took almost a week off of school because my migraines got worse and worse and worse and I couldn’t do it.

- Having no measurement of personal space or how to physically interact with someone. I just said hi, do I hug you, do I high five you, idk? Like idk how many potential friendships I’ve fucked up because I was too handsey.

- Being really particular about the type of clothing I wear. I love LOVE long sleeve shirts/ sweatshirts/ sweaters/ hoodies and shorts. I also love to wear socks around the house. I hate HATE wearing socks with shoes though, it makes me anxious. I also hate wearing certain types of pants. I literally only have 2 - 3 pairs of pants I’ll wear because pants sometimes feel like a tent and I hate that.

- Not being able to loose weight. I’m not fat, or chubby, I mean I have abs for God’s sake! It’s just that I have thick ass thigh I h a t e and I wish I could just get rid of them but my medication prevents me from loosing all that weight. On the bright side, I can eat a lot and not gain weight either.

- Having certain little routines you can’t skip. For example, every morning I must shave my legs and brush my hair or the world will end. I also must have all the doors and windows closed or else I’m gonna scream.

- Also idk if this is a problem for anyone else but doors and windows being open. I can’t stand it, I mean please, I don’t care that you’re just coming up for 1 thing but p l e a s e for the love of g o d, close the door that leads to upstairs. Having it open just isn’t right.

- Hyperfixiating on something for soo long that you forget to do basic hygiene like shower, use the bathroom, brush your hair, brush your teeth. It can get you in really big trouble but at least the job is done.

- Having a comfort item. Like I have this stuffed lamb whose name is “Lambchop” but I call “Lambie” and I sleep with them each and every night and carry them around the house with me when I’m home and if I’m upset I NEED to cuddle them bacuse it’s the only thing that will make the world go away.

- Being insanely good at certain academics and shitty at others. For example, when I was in 5th grade I was reading at an undergrad level and had the ability to understand science concepts a senior would be learning but my math was at the level of a second graders.

- Idk how to describe it but like, doing movements half way and the forgetting about them. Like this one time I was at a piano recital and I went to reach for something and forgot what I was reaching for so I just kinda held my hand up in a grabbing motion for half a song and then forgot about it until my mom reminded me to put it down.

- Not being able to understand that people don’t want to hear about your hyperfixiation. I’ve had 2 cases of this in my life, my “ghosts are definitely really and now this is my only personality triat” and my “I’m not a weeb but Tokyo Ghoul is so good now let me tell you all about the plot.” (Tokyo Ghoul gang REPRESENT)

- Having 3 different moods, hyperactive, normal, and cold. Like you’re normal most of the time but sometimes you’re sooo hyper that your an entirely different person, or sometimes you’re sooo distant you’re a different person too.

- Not being able to identify your emotions very well. Like, this guy just told me that my dad and my bestie are asshole who deserve to die in a fire, what am I feeling? Am I sad? Angry? Scared? Do I think this is funny? Am I gonna laugh? Cry? Idk, throw hands? Or the dreaded crush. Do I have feelings for this person or do I just want to be really good friends? Do I hate them? Love them? Am I gonna cry the next time I see them? Last time we hung out was fun but idk???

- Also like I mentioned, romance/sexuality is hard. Last time I dated I dated this guy I really liked, or at least I thought I did. We dated for three months before I blew it off because he asked to put his arm around me and it was weird when I said yes. Also sexuality. Idk if this is a problem for anyone else or just my bisexual ass. Like it’s so hard and I really like guys but hey, girls are hot. And like I like guys more than girls?? Sometime it makes me feel really fake.

- Really enhanced weird hearing. I know at least 80% of my classes drama because I have superhearing and I’m a literal hearing god bow down, bitch. I can hear the smallest of sounds and such, but for some goddamn reason I can’t understand how loud I’m being.

- Extestensial nihilism and just being cool about it. Like, dude, idk if there’s a god out there? I’d like to think there’s some sort of Devine power and we have a purpose but idk, we probably don’t have a purpose. I mean, we’ll be forgotten after we die anyway unless we’re Tom Holland. And love probably doesn’t exist either and it’s only stigmatized by movies and books and media and we’re all gonna get married and be miserable for ever and such. But like does it really even matter? In the end we’re all alone so go off I guess.

- Being really sensitive to smell. Certain smells drive me through the roof. For example, I have an extreme fish allergy and even smelling the slightest hint a salmon can give me a migraine so intense I think I’m dying. Or essential oils. Ughh I hate those. They send me through the roof.

- Being able to remember something you heard in a YouTube video you watched back when you were nine but not being able to remember when you birthday is some days because it really be like that.

- Being really good with little kids. Idk if everyone is like this but I am very childish myself and little kids love me. I have at least 3 little boys in 1st - 3rd grade who think I’m their girlfriend and 8 little girls in kindergarten - 5th grade who think I’m their big sister, it’s really sweet.

- Always apologizing is a big thing for me. When I was a child I used to get in trouble for saying sorry when I did anything and that carried to teen hood. Last year at my dance class my teacher noticed this and tried to help me break my habit god bless you Christine.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk bois. ADHD sucks but I know you can do it👌🏻

[miss-anna-banana-blog]

I never thought I’ll be writing something like this, specifically the part of exposing myself in front of the people who follow me + the ones who don’t but still are checking up all the time. These pictures take me back to summer 2017. The worst year of my entire life. You couldn’t tell of course because I made sure no one wouldn’t be capable of noticing these kind of things. I posted positive, happy and silly things and I “became the best version of me” lmao. Now I can finally admit that was some huge ass bullshit and I’m mad no one said a thing. A few months before those photos were taken, I started to battle with my super toxic new old friend Anorexia, followed by her cousin Bulimia. I could remember having a goal: To be as skinny as possible. To look as good as I could ever look on a family trip to the beach (now that I think about it, it’s like, come on, it’s your family they don’t give a shit). Also, before that, I had my high school prom and you can guess what my new eating disorder did for me. Did you guessed? Yes, it made me bought a smaller freaking expensive dress! So that I could have a motivation to lost all the freaking weight I hated. I remember being asked by the lady in charge of the dress store “Don’t you want the L size? I think you could feel more comfortable” And my whole face started to burn. I felt awful. But I remained calm, laughed and said “I’m about to go on a diet. I’ll loose all this weight” and she ofc had to be this supportive “buy all my shit” kind of person. So she suggested me to get the S size. But around that time I was dumb, but like not that dumb after all because I knew that, there was no way in hell I could fit into that shit, even if I stopped eating for like a whole month. So I decided to get the M one. And yes, maybe M is kinda considered a fat girl size, but this dress was made of lace. fucking lace. Which means, it was tight and getting the M was sort of a big deal. That day I paid for my own dress (because my parents had no idea about my future plans) and went home all happy and excited because I finally had a goal to achieve: To fit in that dress, because I couldn’t afford to throw all my money away. So at this moment I’d like to state that I have a mild pill addiction (nothing serious, but sometimes they still appeal to me as candies or some shit) and it appeared around this time because this girl had an eye opening moment when she found out about...*drum rolls* LOSING WEIGHT PILLS. It was a whole thing. I was shocked. Like, I could lose weight by taking this lil pill? Everyone said “yes” forgetting that ofc It’s not that easy. So I started to take them daily, even surpassing the recommended dose. I began to let those pills solve my whole eating problems. I started dieting but sometimes I had these huge cravings (I could also say I’m kind of a compulsive eater?) anyways, I wanted to eat junk food, but I couldn’t do it. My whole brain was like “No honey” and then we started to have a battle and when I won that battle, I decided to choose the losing weight pills as my ally. So, in resume, I ate a lot of shit and then I’d let the pills do it’s job. And what job I’m talking about? Diarrhea LMFAO. I mean, I had to get used to be shitting my pants every single time because everything I ate ended up in the freaking toilet in a very gross way. The thing is, I learned to live with this awful thing. I made it look like something normal. But the truth is, it wasn’t normal and I could have gotten a serious disease by doing that. But as always, that wasn’t enough. And when I realized the pills process was kinda slow I decided to cut most of the foods I considered “bad”. I ate once a day, drank tons of water and detox tea; courtesy of my mom. Because, now that I realize all this stuff, I didn’t started all of this by myself. I let my mom help me develop it. She has always talked about losing weight methods, pills, creams, all the things that would help you lose weight, my mama knew. So I always had this fear of my mom targeting my fatness. I had the fear that she would be disappointed because of the weight I had after all the advice she gave to me and my sisters. I mean, she always had something to say about this losing weight thing, How could I be fat? She literally was giving me options to not be fat anymore. So to her, at first was kinda normal that I decided to go to sleep to avoid eating. I would literally had a small plastic bag with some granola for breakfast and water. Then I would eat tuna with lettuce and lemon and more water and then I’d have more tuna for dinner. And when I felt hungry as hell? I went to sleep. It helped me a lot to be a sick person at it’s fullest. But hey, I def started to lose weight. With all the things I cut and the pills I was this close to achieve my goal. I decided to join my mom on her gym routine and people there started to compliment me about how skinny I started to look. I was living the dream!! I started to push myself way harder on the gym (I also almost fainted like 2-3 times a week) but Hey, I needed to get toned! Being skinny wasn’t enough. So I started to realize I could get myself to look better. And guess who helped me achieve my skeleton look? My dearest friend, index finger. We had our first meeting one time at the bathroom. That time I didn’t thought I’d be capable of doing something like that. I was scared of the result. But somehow we managed to forget that rocky start and the first time I vomited I was like “woah so this is how it feels. My god, can’t believe I’ve missed this my whole life” and it was so easy. I didn’t even need to cut foods. I could eat whatever I wanted! And then It would be gone for good! And all I had to do was push my finger deep in my throat. So fucking easy. And that’s how I finally achieved my goal, by playing the girl from the exorcist movie in my bathroom every day after every meal. I should’ve been happy, but my ED said “nope” and I had a whole breakdown and missed my prom. I went trough a lot of changes, decided to cut and dye my hair and tried to become a whole new person while stile carrying my oldest two versions (The one before the ED, and the one who had the ED) and I felt like I became an actress in this movie called “how long could you keep it cool until you become crazy”. Around that time, I weighted like 43...42 kg. I was way under my weight. My legs were tiny and I loved them. I loved to feel my ribs, my hip bones. I loved to see how my clothes looked bigger on me. I even sent some of my clothes to be fixed so that they would be smaller and fit me and yet, they didn’t because I was too small now. And I loved it. No one said a thing. My family was like “Oh now you’re skinny? It must be from the gym” My mom was thrilled. She never said it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me when I asked her if she could send my clothes to her friend because they didn’t fit me anymore. She even started to buy me clothes on smaller sizes and we even joked about how now I would have to buy on the kid’s section because I was so small and I couldn’t be prouder. I took photos with the clothes that looked bigger on me. I had to have proof that I was tiny! I was having a moment. And people started to notice that I became tiny but never asked how I got to be ‘that’ tiny. So, they never asked. I never answered. Until now lol. So the family trip to the beach happened and there I ate all the things I couldn’t while achieving my goal, because what the hell I was already skinny, I could eat whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate and yet, I looked good on the bikini photos. I MEAN, for the first time in years I bought a TWO PIECES swimsuit. I had a great time there, it felt like a culmination in my life. I took cute pictures in front of the beach house, my cousin complimented be about looking skinny and pretty and yeah, happy ever after. Back at home, the struggle wasn’t over. I started to eat normally again but always fearing about my weight. I was perfect. I couldn’t lose that. So it begins the journey of “eating and regretting and then vomiting and then regretting it and then sending everything to hell and eating once again” and that went on repeat ALL DAY. To summarize, this isn’t exactly a story with a happy ending. It got to a point where I realized “WTF DUDE. YOU’LL DIE FROM THIS” and I stopped doing all that shit. Even my parents noticed the whole thing before I could send it back to hell. Tbh I was kinda expecting them to be mad or anything but they were like “we could hear you vomiting” and that’s all. Um, so you heard? Uh, sorry? My mom was more worried about how the toilet looked after I threw up on it. She said the stains were awful. So, I’d like to say sorry to my mom for staining her toilet while dealing with all my shit. My bad mom. 

Now, I’d like to state that it’s been three years since that happened and my family and I still haven’t spoke about it. I had to seek help somewhere else. And you know, I’m not stating that my parents are the ones to blame. No, I was 17. I was totally aware of how awful having a ED was and yet I decided to participate. However, I totally believe they should have said something. I mean, it took a very short time for me to lose more than 30 kg and I slept all day. Wasn’t that weird for them? Maybe. But my parent’s weren’t exactly raised to be aware of people’s emotions. My parents were raised to be emotionless. They rarely show emotions and that’s something regular at home. So, if they ever felt worried they never expressed it because they didn’t knew how. And that’s normal, At least to me. 

Moving forward to 2020, I’m 21. I’m an ED survivor (hate the word but you know, I didn’t died so I guess I kinda survived?) and I’m still in recovery and def not fully healed. That’s why I said this didn’t exactly had a happy ending. Because when you have an ED you can’t just put it away and make it disappear from your life. Nope, it’s not that easy and if someone says it is. They’re big liars. People talk about how difficult is to recover and gain weight without having these awful thoughts but they never tell you how your relationship with food changes forever. Or maybe they do, but it’s very rare tbh. Now, 3 years after having an ED I can say I still have it in me. Every time I eat something, I can’t help to feel guilty. To have the urge to vomit everything or the amount of times I say in my head “You need to cut food again” I get a losing weight goal every month. And I have the same feelings and thoughts I used to have 3 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel proud. I get the feeling I’m not having my best moment. And it sucks, you know? Because it’s tiring. Having your mind working 24/7 on the food you just ate and you could have replaced it with something healthier. And not being able to stop it. It also doesn’t help the fact that my mom is still obsessed with losing weight. She still has this habit of checking what I eat and making this “I don’t approve it” face. A month ago, I kinda had a relapse. I started to cut foods and then I was like “Hey, remember those pills? They still exist, you know?” But, I had no money. I couldn’t go outside to get them (bc quarantine, yikes) and I had no idea which ones would help me this time. So...I asked the expert; my mom. I’d like to state again I’m not blaming her. Anyways, I told her I felt fat and awful (she never said “you’re not fat” bc I have to admit, I am, at the moment) and asked her for her advice on losing weight stuff. She quickly recommended some popular diet pills she once listened a woman recommend in the radio. She even told me about a deal they had! Which included 3 bottles, all of them with 60 pills. Bro, I was in paradise at that moment. 180 pills plus having the opportunity to lose weight? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL My mom was thrilled, she even got the deal for herself (and both suffered from the same consequences, that my mom tried to cover up by saying that “it was the body’s reaction” and that we were detoxing our bodies” but I decided to cut that bullshit and stopped taking them bc I had awful results (and also, I wasn’t exactly losing weight which was the whole goal) 

Today, June 2nd. I reflected about this whole thing. I am proud I never went to the bottom and to the hospital. But I’m not proud on the fact that I still haven’t recovered. Not even a bit. I mean, yeah, now I have double thoughts before doing something my ED tells me to do, but I still have the urge of being skinny. I still compare my body and feel like that is the only thing I could offer. Most stories shared this day, are successful ones. Most have this cute ending with them still being skinny but now, reflecting on life and talking about healthy weight gain. But not all stories are like those ones. There’s people still struggling. Like me, I haven’t even recovered but yet, I’m sharing this shit. Because that’s the reality behind having a daughter, sister, friend, with an ED. 

We would never openly say “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER” but it’s always in the little details. It’s in the way they read the menu and search for the healthy options and the calories, the way they express about their bodies, the way they constantly say how much they need to go to the gym. It’s in the way they look at food whenever you offer them, like if they could calculate how many days would it take for that food to get stuck in their body, specifically in the abdomen area. It’s there, but not many people gets to see it. It’s a matter of paying attention. And no, we do not want attention all the time, we do not want you to save us. It’s not about that. It’s about being aware that we are struggling and that we might need your support at least once. 

Personally, I do not want to be saved. I just want to cope with it. I want to be able to eat healthy without falling again into these crap. I want to be able to look back and say “I fucking did it”. If I’m totally honest, the thought of losing weight will always be here with me. I’ll always have this little voice telling me “You could be smaller, you know? “You could stop your dad from saying that you’d be perfect to play football again because you could tackle everyone with that body” “You could be as tiny as your sister” “You could show your ballet teacher that you do not look like a ball anymore” “You could make your mom proud because you have taken her advice” “You could fit in that shirt and those pants again” and the most important one “You could have it all” because sadly, in this world, skinny means successful. And while I still try to achieve being that successful, the ED thoughts won’t go away, not at all. And I’m being honest. Terribly honest. But at least, I’m not lying and saying I’ll do better. Because, I’ll be better, just not today and maybe not even in two years from now. But I’ll be one day. 

This story was shared to commemorate the World Eating Disorders Action Day (June 2nd) to spread awareness about what ED really mean and what they actually look like in real life. 

[imyourliquor-youremypoison]

Big Spook (Peter Parker x Reader - Part 4)

Synopsis: Aged Up!Peter thinks he’s done well with leading a double life. He’s studying what he likes, he has his own place, he’s dating the girl he loves… but that doesn’t mean life is easy all the time. Even superheroes have bad days - and sometimes worse days.

Tags: Aged Up!Character, College AU, Established relationship, Whump, Angst. Does not take FFH into account. SPOILER FREE.

Word count: 1.9k

Part 3 <<< >>> Part 5

MASTERLIST

(Y/N) and Peter were good neighbors. They were quiet neighbors. They didn't listen to loud music into the early hours, they didn't get into shouting matches, they didn't bang pots and pans together at all hours of the day.

For the first time since they moved into their apartment, (Y/N) startled their neighbors. She had spent the entire trip back biting down on her lower lip until she drew blood and spacing out. She had climbed the stairs of their building without a word, and gently closed the door and locked it behind her once she was inside.

Then, she screamed. She screamed at the top of her lungs, covering her ears with her hands and squatting on the floor, curled up in a ball – she screamed. She screamed because it was the only way she knew to finally let out all the pain that built up inside her. All the rage and pent-up frustration. She was so useless! Peter spent his time saving the world and she was useless! She couldn't even save him when he needed her the most.

All she could do was make phone calls. She called to let everyone know of the situation and not to expect neither Peter nor her until he was better. She had called his boss to let him know what was going on, and he had been sorry to hear the news, he wished him the best and a soon recovery. And she had called her own boss, much less sympathetic than Peter's, and told him not to expect her because she was going to stay with him until he woke up.

He dared to tell her that it wasn't a family emergency, and (Y/N) had lost it. She had screamed in her phone, telling him that her fiancé was on the brink of death and that she would not set foot outside the hospital before she knew he was out of danger.

She didn't think about, she just said it. It was a white lie, one her boss couldn't question or verify. But May was there.

“I'm so happy for you two.”

Her words echoed in (Y/N)'s head, bouncing off the walls of her skull.

“I know he was waiting for the right time to ask you, I'm glad you said yes.”

Yes? Yes to what?

“Peter finally proposed.”

No, no he hadn't. May couldn't know he hadn't, and (Y/N) shouldn't know he wanted to. She would have rather not heard that at all. How much more tears could she cry? How long until she finally ran dry and could rest?

All she wanted was to rest... she wanted to go to their room, find Peter's sprawled on their bed,shirtless as usual, and lay her head on his chest, making him chuckle. She would close her eyes, and Peter, thinking she was asleep, would trace patterns on her naked shoulders, and whisper that he loved her.

(Y/N) wanted the hollowness in her chest to be gone. She wanted Peter to wake up so they could go back to their life. She wanted him to have a chance to propose for real.

When she found the strength to stand up, she thought their apartment had never looked so bleak, not even before they moved in and cleaned it. Everything was just like she had left it, except for one thing. She didn't need to check to know the blood was gone. Happy must have taken care of it first thing after Peter came out of surgery.

As expect, the bathroom looked pristine – even more than before. (Y/N) slowly stripped of her dirty sweats and threw them in the laundry basket. It was brimming with clothes, she would need to go to the laundry room so that Peter had something to wear when he would come back.

She didn't know how, but (Y/N) somehow ended up in the shower, and then in the kitchen, where she managed to cook a quick meal with whatever hadn't spoiled during her absence. She would also need to go grocery shopping, they would need eggs. She would make Peter scrambled eggs with bacon. It was his favorite breakfast.

Without really thinking about it, (Y/N) slipped into autopilot and did exactly what May asked her to do. She took care of herself, brushed her teeth after eating, washed the dishes, tidied up a bit because she couldn't stand disorder, and when she felt she was going to pass out, she huddled on the couch, refusing to sleep in their bed without Peter.

*

(Y/N) and Peter had moved into their place on the 1st of August a year and a half ago, and she remembered it like yesterday. Finding a decent apartment within one's price-range in New York city was as arduous as one would expect. Therefore, they didn't think too long about whether or not to sign the papers, they simply did.

The place was not decent in any way, and they would have to put some serious work into it if they wanted to live there. And that's what they had done. The first week, they still crashed at May's place, sleeping in Peter's narrow one-person bed. They didn't have anything, least of all money, because they poured everything into cleaning supplies and fresh paint. The placed needed it more than they needed a flat screen TV or a subway card. A makeover was required before they could even think about bringing in furniture.

For one week, they spent all of their free time there, sweating in the Summer heat, scrubbing this place clean of mold, and stains, and other things they didn't want to know the nature of. They repainted the whole place wearing old sweat shorts and a sports' bra for (Y/N) because it was too hot to wear anything more than that.

May had bought them a fan because she took pity on them, and Peter had draped a wet towel over it so it blew cold air. Every five minutes he caught (Y/N) standing in front of the device, arms wide open, letting out a contented sigh.

“Get to work, will you?” he had told her with a little smack on the ass, making her jump and yelp in surprise. Every day until nightfall, they worked together to make this place their new home, then they grabbed two beers and sat on the roof to enjoy some cool air.

Once the paint was dry, they started moving in. They still had nothing, but they made do. During their first night, they had slept on a mattress they got from a friend who just moved. May had given them old bed sheets she didn't use anymore. They had bought a fridge on Craig's list and hoped it would last until they could afford a brand new one. In the living room was a coffee table they found in the street, and it was surrounded by mismatched garden chair pillows so they had something to sit on with their friends when they had their house-warming party.

They had slept like babies and woken up with the morning sun since the blinds were broken and needed changing. The rays hit Peter's back, and (Y/N), who had woken up early, let her hand rest on his back muscles, feeling his warm, sun-kissed skin under her palm.

She remembered the process of making this their home; of slowly bringing life to this place, filling it up with their belonging and with memories. They had struggled at first – neither of them was particularly good at handiwork, but they had had to learn, and fast too.

There were three shelves on the wall across their bed, and (Y/N) still cringed at how much time it took them to put these into place.

“Stand back, will you?” she had asked Peter. She just measured – again – and drew line son the wall – again – and was now holding the shelves in place for Peter to see if they were horizontal.

If they fucked up once more, they would have to repaint that wall what with all the pencil marks they had drawn on it.

Peter stood on the bed and took his chin between his fingers, squinting his eyes as he evaluated their work. (Y/N)'s arms were tiring real quick.

“So?” she urged him. “Can we drill them in or what?”

Another moment passed.

“Well, at least they are parallel,” Peter concluded in a most unhelpful manner.

“For goodness's sake!” (Y/N) rolled her eyes. “Come here and hold these, I want to see for myself.”

They switched places and after determining that they were good, (Y/N) came back with the drilling machine and secured the shelves in place while Peter held them up – of course his arms didn't tire as quickly as hers from holding a few pieces of wood against a wall. With that done, they began to take their various belongings out of their boxes to set them on their new shelves.

“What's that?” Peter had asked, pointing at a wooden box sitting on the highest of them.

(Y/N) looked up from her laptop and over her glasses, following his finger.

“Oh, that just decoration. It's a birthday gift my dad brought from his trip to the Caribbean, you know how much I love handmade stuff,” she told him offhandedly.

“What's in it?”

“Nothing.” (Y/N) shrugged. “I just like having it here, it looks like a treasure chest.”

“You'd only put gold and gems inside?” Peter teased her, encircling her with his arms and sneakily taking away her laptop, kissing her to distract her from her work.

“Exactly,” (Y/N) laughed, unable to resist his neck kisses. “It's gonna stay empty for a while I think.”

*

Waking up with a start, sweat on her brow, (Y/N) shot up, panting. It was bright outside, what time was it? She had slept through half the day, most definitely. But she didn't lose time checking her phone, she stood up, nearly tripping over her own feet and burst into their bedroom, grabbing the little stool in the corner and using it to get her treasure chest.

When the little wooden chest was in her hands, she could already tell something was inside: it was slightly heavier than normal. She had never put anything in that chest, ever. She had a hard time swallowing, afraid that she was right. She knew she was right though, she simply knew.

That dream came out of nowhere but her subconscious must have sent it to her for a reason, and now she knew with absolute certainty what she would find inside. When she opened it, there it was.

The small velvet box.

She dropped it and her hand flew to her mouth, muffling a heart-wrenching sob. The wooden box clattered on the floor, closing itself. It was true. May had said the truth, Peter really meant to propose. He wanted to marry her, and now he was in a fucking coma! (Y/N) shook her head, refusing to let her thoughts wander on this slippery slope leading to self loathing. She fumbled in the dark and picked up the chest with the box inside, placing it back on its shelf without opening it. Whatever it contained, she would wait for Peter to give it to her. She owed him that.

Suddenly, her phone rang from the other room, the volume of the ringtone nearly sending her into cardiac arrest. It was the alarm clock she set. It was only ten after all.

With a sigh, she left the room, and locked herself in the bathroom to get ready. It was time to go see Peter again.

.

.

.

.

TAGLIST: @palindrome-teddy @complete-trash-101 @keeperofhopesanddreams @i-love-whumperflies @golden-guide @marauderette130  @lowkeykatie888 

Comment if you wanna be tagged in part 5 :)

REBLOG TO SAVE A WRITER

[skinnistoner-blog]

i think i need to give a little about myself.

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

i didn’t think this would be so triggering. but it really really really is very triggering! please be warned 💛

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️talks of eating disorders and selfharm. goes in depth of sad story’s. please if you could be triggered don’t read⚠️

trigger warning

hi. i am meiku. or that’s what you can call me. that’s not my real name. i’m keeping this 100% anonymous. i am gonna talk about my progress here. strictly mental health related stuff.

i am 15. 16 on september 13th. i have been trapped in an eating disorder since i was about 7 or so. i didn’t care much about food at all until about 3rd grade. maybe 2nd. but i had like daily binges. i didn’t realize it at the time. i always knew i was bigger than others, but i’m also tall. so i didn’t think food was the issue. i remember i’ve had self-esteem issues since 3rd grade because my best friend had to always remind me i was beautiful. i became homeschooled in 7th grade, just before that, that bestfriend moved 1.5 thousand miles away because her mom died. i remember so vividly, i was binging. and turned to the side, saw my gut and said “that’s it i’m having an eating disorder now.”

now let me explain. at this point in my life i thought i had anxiety, depression and a newly decided eating disorder. nothing determined by a therapist, my parents don’t believe in mental health. and still nothing is determined by a therapist, but i know now you don’t just decide if u have or don’t have a mental illness. because when i thought i had those things, i didn’t even know the half of it.

something i feel i should add here, me and my bestfriend that moved both “pretended” to have mental health issues. i say “pretended” because we thought we did, but didn’t. anyways, we sharped the back of pencils and took the sharp metal and scratched our wrists to see how hard it was to hide selfharm marks. it was her idea, but i regret so much saying yes. we promised to not allow ourselves to bleed. we went to the corner of the playground and did it. she made herself bleed and ever since then i’ve struggled with selfharm. i’ve punched, bruised, hit, scratched, pulled, grabbed, cut, burn, all of it.. and i got about 3-4 months clean of everything but hitting and punching and bruising and fvcked up abt a month ago with burning and everything but cutting, then cutting a week ago. it’s been a struggle so i thought i’d add it.

i made an instagram to track my progress and as you all probably did too, fell into pro-ana 12 yr olds and followed calorie diets and workout plans and coldbaths and laxatives, never did i purge though. after my first account got deleted, i made another. then it got deleted, and i made another. then that one got deleted, and now on my account i have 3 followers. 3 people i know the face, age, life, and story of. i don’t trust much anymore so please don’t report this, it took a lot to make this.

throughout 7th and 8th, i gained height. i mean i was still young of course i would. i went from 5’6-5’9 and wasn’t eating much and working out a lot so i jumped from 167 to 148. then lost control and uncontrollably binged for a while. i remember every time i stepped on the scale i had a new highest weight. 170, 172.3, 178, 181, 186, 189. “surely it can’t get higher than this.” i’d say every time i stepped off. then my highest weight. 198. i haven’t gotten higher. and i hope i never get to 200. i can’t. i cannot. i’m 197.2 atm and keep dropping and gaining the same 6 pounds.

but anyways. at the end of summer 18’ my bestfriend (not the same one^ my new one hah) told me her story of her bulimia. it hit me in a lot of ways but one definite way was motivation. it became a game to me. i kept losing and got down to 170. bouncing from 169-173. i went to homecoming with her. we became close ass friends. i came out about my ednos story and we shared tips (not proana sh¡t. like how to overcome a binge) after a while i started trying to purge, at this current date i have purged 2 or 3 times and have tried like 10 times. but slowly both of our lives have fallen apart. i don’t have her much anymore bc she came clean to her parents about her mental health tendencies, and they reacted negatively. so i’m alone again. i have my 3 followers and i couldn’t physically be anymore greatful for them. but i miss not feeling alone.

so please. let’s be friends.

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

I’m gonna rant about disability services at private Catholic schools for a second

I will preface this by saying that this is my experience at both of the Catholic schools I attended growing up. If I am generalizing please correct me, let me know, but I believe this problem is pervasive in most private Catholic schools (probably not just Catholic private schools, but all private schools, but I’m not touching on that right now.)

My brother’s kindergarten teacher was the first person to identify that he had ADHD. My parents took him to the necessary doctors/professionals so see what they could do. However, the school that he (and I, as well as all of my siblings) went to only had one lady who acted as a “resource” for kids who were struggling. She was a mom, I don’t know if she had any training at all to deal with learning disabilities - I honestly think she just took kids out of class to give them extra time to practice certain reading and math skills. Because none of the teachers were trained in dealing with kids who had ADHD (let alone learning disabilities or special needs, which my brother didn’t have) there was a point where I, a 5th grader, got called out of my math class to come into his 2nd grade classroom to comfort my crying brother as the teacher said impatiently, “you deal with him.” That was when my parents decided to put him in public school because they had the resources to actually accommodate my brother.

Fast forward to high school, this time concerning myself. I was in and out of high school due to depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and an eating disorder. After the first hospitalization, I get back to school and discover that I am required to make up all of my work. All of it. At the same time as trying to complete the current work being assigned. I was so stressed and already a perfectionist that I went back tot he hospital for anxiety-induced suicidal urges directly related to being so overwhelmed with my life. This happened at least three other times - where I was hospitalized due to my inability to cope with my own deteriorating mental health on top of all of that work. My mom and I repeatedly explained this to my high school’s “school counselor” (again, not sure if this lady had any training at all, my school was notorious for hiring unqualified people just because they were good-hearted and faith-filled individuals). She and all of my teachers maintained that I must make up all of my work, months and months of tests, papers, projects, and even busywork. When we asked why this was so even though it posed a serious risk to my, ya’know, life, they said that at that present moment, too or three other students had been out “sick” for months at a time (one had mono and one had had a concussion) and if I got an exception it wasn’t fair to them. In other words: Justice, not Mercy. The fact that I could die from “some stress” never seemed to penetrate their consciousness. I distinctly remember my “guidance counselor” (as I sat in her office weeks into my summer break catching up on work from the previous year) saying off-hand when I mentioned the stress, “well, we can’t all take a vacation every time life gets too hard.”

Fast forward to college. We heard about this “disability services” thing during orientation. I looked closely at whatever pamphlet I had been handed, and it listed mental health issues as disabilities. What? My mom and I decided to check it out, saying “it would be really cool if I could have someone at this big college to talk to and goto if I am struggling with work,” thinking that that was all she could offer me - things like tutors and advice. After providing the hospital and doctor records to disability services, I find out that I qualify for extension for assignments, excused absences, extended time on tests, modified or completely excused assignments, and more, because of my mental health issues, without any professor allowed to ask me why other than “a disability-related reason.” They also appointed a disability services advocate whose job was to go to bat with my professors for me if they did not comply.

To say that we were floored would have been incorrect. I wasn’t floored. I just didn’t understand. I felt I was cheating. I didn’t even know this was allowed. How was this fair to the other students? “You have a disability, this is to allow you to do as well as someone who doesn’t have this disability.” You mean I just don’t have to suck it up and deal with my problems on my own time? I have a disability? What?

Okay. There are two points to this post. One is the obvious: Catholic schools, you are losing the opportunity for children with disabilities to be formed in the faith. Like it or not, the majority of parents and families aren’t the ones who teach the faith to their kids - either they learn it at Catholic school, or just don’t learn it at all.  I am aware this issue is heavily tied to funding, HOWEVER: disability services shouldn’t be this nifty add-on to a school, a novelty or a selling point. They should be a fundamental, integrated part of allowing students of all abilities to have the opportunity to be educated in their faith and a faith-filled environment. Parents should not have to choose, as my parents had to, between having their child grow up educated in the faith or actually being able to learn and be treated appropriately by teachers who understood him. (Yes, he still did CCD, but no, the CCD classes did not have disability-educated individuals teaching it - shocker. How much did he retain from it? A few weeks ago, he asked me what Pentecost was.) 

The second issue is more tied to my experience. You are damaging people’s perception of God and His Love. You are saying that those of disabilities - those same people Jesus healed and released from their pain and struggles in the Gospels - aren’t important enough to be accommodated using a basic section of the school’s budget. This may be controversial, but part of me thinks that a school shouldn’t exist at all if it doesn’t have the ability to accommodate children with physical, intellectual, psychological, or developmental disabilities - yes, even and especially Catholic schools. I had a severely damaged faith as a result of the attitude of my school - yaknow, the ones who taught me about God and Jesus. I graduated high school hearing about “mercy,” and hating the whole concept. I seethed every time I heard the prodigal son bible reading, because I hated the fact that the wayward son was allowed to do that without any punishment. I didn’t understand mercy and it made me angry. Everyone deserves justice, I thought, and mercy is the opposite - a hall pass for the weak and undeserving. I punished myself through self harm every time I got less than an A on a test, every time I said something stupid and felt embarrassed. The self-harming and perfectionistic inclinations were mine, but the importance of justice was fed to me by them. Self harm and suicidal ideation were listed as sins against the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Kill” without any mention about exceptions, or what to do if you felt that way. A teacher told us that the worst sin of all - above rape and murder of children - was desecration of the Eucharist by receiving it unfaithfully. I abstained from the Eucharist for years because I couldn’t stop cutting or disordered eating behaviors, and I was in a constant state of mortal sin (I thought) so I couldn’t receive. No one on staff was educated enough on mental health disabilities to point out that saying things like eating disorders, cutting, and suicidal ideation were sins could result from an illness, a disability, that was not being addressed. I told priest after priest that those were my sins, and to be fair, most asked if I was in therapy, but only one mentioned to me that he didn’t think that my cutting was “completely” a sin, that the guilt was reduced due to “addiction.” But I quickly disregarded that comment, because I was not giving myself a free pass. God deserves Justice - the least sin in His eyes breaks the whole Law. If an action hurts someone else or hurts God, the offended party deserves justice. Not excuses for weak people. Justice, not Mercy. 

But college was also the same time I was actually introduced to having a personal relationship with Jesus. The first time I confessed to a priest who immediately said that I was so, so wrong in my understanding of who God was and what He wanted of me. He rejoiced in me. In me. His unconditional love did not excuse my sins, but heal them. His Mercy was not a free pass of pity at my weakness, but the bandages in which He used to bind up my wounds. If I had learned about Mercy before this, it was not in this way. I was taught through actions, if not the words themselves, that justice for others was worth more than mercy on me. And even now I am stunned every time I am “ given a break.” Because that’s what it feels like, bosses and professors who accommodate my disability - them being generous. Not my basic needs being met.

Love the least in the eyes of the world, Catholic schools. Do better. Don’t consider yourself inclusive after building some wheelchair ramps and asking a parish mom to come in on Wednesdays to help the kids who “just aren’t getting it.” Work with families. Hire trained staff members - plural - who are equipped to deal with a wide range of disabilities, including learning disabilities, mental health issues, autism, and Down syndrome. The souls of all children with disabilities whose parents want their child to grow to know Jesus through their schools hangs in the balance. 

@patron-saint-of-smart-asses @catholicamputee @alwaysabeautifullife @hissaltandlight @tinycatholicbean and @ all other tumbler Catholics who either have a physical/mental disability or are parents of a child with one.

[mermaidsirennikita]

July 2018 Book Roundup

This was a bit of a slump month for me in terms of reading.  But wait!  I read so many books!  Yeah, but I savored very few of them.  Some were mediocre, and several were bad.  Very bad.  Standouts included Riley Sager’s “spooky summer camp reinvented” thriller The Last Time I Lied and the very satisfying conclusion to Kiersten White’s super underrated Conqueror’s Saga, Bright We Burn.  You win some months and lose some months--I hope the next one is better.

My Plain Jane by Cynthia Hand, Jodi Meadows, and Brodi Ashton.  2/5.  A retelling of Jane Eyre, My Plain Jane sees Charlotte Bronte and Jane Eyre as friends at Lowood together, with Jane able to see ghosts and Charlotte desperate to get to the bottom of her secrets.  As Jane takes a job at Thornfield Hall, she is pursued by Charlotte and intrepid paranormal investigator Alexander, in a tale full of ghosts, secret wives, and romance.  I... really don’t want to say I hate this because it had its funny, cute moments that remind me of My Lady Jane, but... I kind of hated it?  It’s partially my own fault, really, because the book was exactly what it described itself to be.  But what worked when twisting history--My Lady Jane focused on Jane Grey--just doesn’t work when retelling a popular book.  Charlotte was quirky girl’d to the point of being twee; she also seemed into Jane Austen, which bugged me because she wasn’t.  And much of Jane’s side of things seemed like condescending fix it fic, in a way.  Don’t you know that Jane only falls for Rochester because she’s a romantic young woman with no life experience (and an obsessed with Mr. Darcy because I guess)????  Maybe I just like the real Jane Eyre too much.  Either way, I’m still going to read the next Jane book, but cannot recommend this one.

The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager.  5/5.  Fifteen years ago, Emma Davis was the last person to see Vivian, Allison, and Natalie before they disappeared from Camp Nightingale--and the world--forever.  She accused a boy she liked of doing something terrible; and she vanished into obscurity, reinventing herself as an up and coming artist.  But she can’t seem to stop painting the girls, even as she covered them up afterwards.  Upon the prompting of the camp’s owner--and dogged by guilt--Emma returns to teach at the reopened Camp Nightingale, given three new girls to mentor.  Yet she still can’t seem to stop seeing the girls--especially the entrancing, manipulative Vivian.  Riley Sager does something with his books that make me really happy: he keeps on taking a classic teen slasher trope and making a whole book about it.  I loved the sexy-teens-in-a-cabin angle of Final Girls--and this book takes on the whole creepy camp thing, complete with a spooky lake and campfire legends.  He also throws in--for good measure--toxic, intoxicating girl relationships!  Because yes, Emma had a crush on a boy, but her world was really dominated by Vivian.  At one point, I thought that this book would be a 4 out of 5 because as much as I love the tone and atmosphere and the overall story, I wasn’t a big fan of how Emma’s hallucinations worked and the ending seemed rather predictable.  But that wasn’t the REAL ending.  And the real ending?  Just... yes.  The present storyline in this book is good, but the past--mostly Vivian, let’s be real, that’s a girl after my own heart--is fantastic.  

Bring Me Back by B.A. Paris.  1/5.  While stopped at a gas station with her boyfriend FInn, Layla goes missing. Twelve years later--after enduring a period as the prime suspect in Layla’s murder, despite the fact that her body was never found--Finn is engaged to Layla’s sister Ellen.  Out of nowhere, little signs begin appearing that lead Finn to wonder... could Layla still be out there?  WHAT A DUMB BOOK.  I didn’t realize that I’d read one of Paris’s books, the super underwhelming The Breakdown.  If I had, I wouldn’t have tried it.  God, this was fucking stupid.  Literally every twist you would think of, every basic “surprise” is here.  And then one that is so--but the real issue is Finn.  I don’t take issue with flawed protagonists, but Finn was more than flawed.  He was creepy (fine in certain cases) and stupid (never fine).  And for that matter, everyone else was so one-dimensional that it was impossible to sweep aside his shortcomings.  I skimmed this after a point, and I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time on it.

The List by Joanna Bolouri.  1/5.  IT GOT WORSE!!!  I won’t bother with a summary, because this is actually pretty fucking simple: a year (!!!!) after her ex cheated on her, thirty-year-old Phoebe still isn’t over it.  In an effort to revitalize her sex life, she makes a list of sexual experiences she hasn’t tried and wants to, and sets off to check them off with her best guy friend, Oliver.  Okay, admittedly, I should have known that this would be a diary book, which is a style I usually don’t like (with some notable exceptions).  Phoebe has the most annoying voice I have ever read.  It’s as if the author wants to mimic Bridget Jones, but doesn’t understand why people like Bridget and why she came off more as hapless but amusing, instead of just... a moron.  Phoebe is a FUCKING MORON.  She hates her job, she uses cutesy slang words (like, my least favorite cutesy slang words from the U.K.) and describes sex acts in the least appealing way possible.  But it’s not as if the author wants the sex to feel real, because aside from a few mishaps, Phoebe overall has great sexual experiences, even when you imagine that if this is the first time she’s doing them, it’d probably be more awkward.  Like... we’re supposed to buy that Phoebe LOOOOOVES anal after the first time she’s tried it, but she describes it as feeling like “she’s going to the bathroom, but good” basically.  HOT STUFF.  And she’s just a dipshit in general.  She and all of her friends are.  I knew this was definitely going to be 1/5 after Oliver made a joke about stereotypical “Native American” names (a joke that is somehow worse knowing that an author from the U.K. wrote it) but even before then, Phoebe is talking about her lack of sexual satisfaction with her friends all of whom are in their thirties and one of them... is like... humping a couch?  I don’t know why authors who write “sexual” books think that this is normal behavior.  I am in my 20s; I’ve been in weird situations; I know a lot of weird people.  Never has some dry-humped a couch in front of me... as a joke.... or in general.  Wow.  Stupid.

Choose Your Own Disaster by Dana Schwartz.  3/5.  Dana Schwartz’s memoir--detailing her struggles with eating disorders, mental illness in general, romantic travails, and finding herself as a millennial--is laid out in the style of a choose your own adventure novel.  While it’s certainly well-written and takes advantage of its gimmick, I can’t say this was as enjoyable as My Lady’s Choosing.  Obviously, they’re totally different genres, but...  I don’t know.  This wasn’t a fun read to me, even though I think it was important.  Some parts hit too close to home, which isn’t Schwartz’s fault, while other parts seemed overwritten, which is.  A mixed bag.

The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell.  4/5.  Shortly after marrying the wealthy and handsome Rupert, Elsie finds herself widowed and pregnant, sent away to the Bainbridge family’s country estate to wait for her baby to be born.  She’s met with eerie villagers and angry servants, as well as Rupert’s awkward cousin, Sarah.  All of that, however, she could deal with--what’s more unsettling are the violent events that begin occurring in the house, and strange painted “silent companions” that seem to pop up everywhere, their eyes appearing to follow Elsie around.  Perhaps most disturbing of all is the diary Sarah finds, detailing the story of Rupert’s ancestress, Anne Bainbridge--and her mute daughter Hetta...  This kicked off with a slow start; I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get through it.  But about 50 pages in, things PICK UP.  Especially when we get into Anne’s diary, which is where some of the really creepy stuff takes place.  It’s a spooky, unsettling story that feels like it’s of another time.  If you’re a fan of “The Others”--which I am--I’d highly recommend the novel.  

Bright We Burn by Kiersten White.  4/5.  The final book in The Conqueror’s Saga sees Radu finally forced to make a choice for his future, as Lada’s conflict with him and Mehmed--and all of her enemies, really--finally comes to a head.  I can’t say much more than that, because... final book in the series, and all.  I really can’t recommend this trilogy enough.  Yes, a gender-flipped Vlad the Impaler story sounds weird.  But Lada is a great character you so rarely see in YA--a truly horrible female lead.  She’s awful.  Not a monster, but not really redeemable either, especially after this installment.  And I wouldn’t even say that Lada is the most complex character in the series--that goes to Radu, her brother who is a) gay b) a Muslim convert and c) in love with Mehmed, their childhood friend who is in love with Lada, who kind of loves Mehmed but kind of hates him because he’s about as horrible a she is.  I loved this poisonous triangle of scheming and bad people--Radu is significantly less horrible than Lada and Mehmed, but has his moments--and the world and the supporting characters, and the only reason this book didn’t a full 5/5 is because I think there needed to be more.  The conflict of the trio really petered out a bit for me, and it came down to Lada and Radu.  And I love Lada and Radu, but Mehmed was the kind of antagonist that got their asses in gear, and the book needed that extra kick.  Overall, however, this was a great conclusion--super satisfying, and quite bloody.

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones.  4/5.  Celestial and Roy are upwardly mobile Atlanta residents--she a rising artist, he a young executive--and just over  a year into their marriage when Roy is arrested for a crime he didn’t commit.  Sentenced to twelve years in prison, Roy writes to Celestial as their marriage gradually disintegrates.  When he’s exonerated and freed five years into his sentence, he returns to her.  But Celestial has built up a relationship with Andre, her childhood friend and the best man at her and Roy’s wedding.  The question isn’t just one of who Celestial belongs with--and whether she belongs with anyone--but of whether or not she and Roy ever would have worked out in the first place?  This is a DEEP literary book, y’all.  Not light reading.  And I can’t say it was super enjoyable?  I mean, this is one of those harshly realistic, love isn’t enough tearjerkers.  But it was very well-written, and it examined themes and questions that I don’t think you’d necessarily expect from such a relatively simple premise.  Of course, much of the novel does revolve around being a black man (or woman) in 21st century America--so I can’t critique that aspect.  The only thing I really can say as a criticism is that the older characters in the novel--Celestial and Roy’s parents, primarily--do essentially repeat themselves a good bit.  And again, I can’t say that I like everything every character did or said--but every action came from a very real place.  It’s a harsh one.

Give Me Your Hand by Megan Abbott.  3/5.  Kit is an ambitious scientist, hoping to gain a spot on a PMDD-related study led by her idol.  She’s the only woman in the running, and considered a shoo-in the the “woman spot”--until Diane shows up.  Diane and Kit knew each other when they were younger; and Diane told Kit a secret that derailed both of their lives.  With the weight of Diane’s secret on her mind, Kit begins to slowly unravel, questioning how she should handle a secret that has gone from being another person’s problem, to hers as well.  I’m not one of those people scared off by Abbott’s squicky, literary style of telling domestic thriller stories.  I’m used to her obsession with the female body and feminine mysteries in general.  I’m not sure why this one didn’t click with me.  The writing was still there, and on paper the story is something I should have liked--so I’m saying it’s me, not her.  It may be that the books of Abbott’s I’ve really liked have dealt more with the truly domestic sphere or something more mundane and universal than scientific studies?  I just wasn’t attached to this story or the characters.

The Death of Mrs. Westaway by Ruth Ware.  3/5.  Down on her luck tarot card reader Hal is shocked when she receives word that she is the possible recipient of an inheritance.  Her grandmother has died, and Hal is summoned to her home to hear the will being read.  The only issue is that to Hal’s knowledge, her grandmother was already dead--and with her mother gone, she has no way of knowing who this woman is.  Desperate for money, she goes to the Westaway estate, only to find that the inheritance may not be worth the risk.  This is a very standard mystery/thriller.  Kind of predictable.  I really don’t have much to say about it.  The book wasn’t bad but it didn’t thrill me, so it might be another me/my slump thing.

Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren.  4/5.  Macy hasn’t seen her childhood friend and first love Elliot for eleven years.  When they run into each other in a coffee shop, he’s an aspiring novelist and she’s a resident on the brink of marriage.  As the novel traces the story of Elliot and Macy’s past--and what he did to make her cut off contact with him the same night he confessed his love--Macy is confronted with a decision about her future, and owning up to who she is in the present.  A slump-breaker!  This is a really good romance, y’all.  Elliot and Macy’s chemistry is palpable.  You spend the whole novel worrying less about what drove them apart, and more about when they’re going to get together.  That being said, the best part of the book was definitely the past.  Their friendship felt genuine, which made the sexual tension buildup even better (speaking of: this is one of the few contemporary romances with legitimately good sex scenes).  The stakes aren’t quite as high in the present--it seems painstakingly obvious from the beginning that Macy can fix her issues in a pretty simple way.  And if she didn’t know that, I’d be a bit less annoyed, but she does.  Not much happens in the present, really--that’s just the payoff for what started in the past.  Still, this is a very sweet, sexy, and kind of heartwarming book that I would recommend to anyone who needs something that’s light without being TOO light.

Roomies by Christina Lauren.  3/5.  Holland is obsessed with a guitarist on the subway, and has been for about six months.  By a twist of fate, they finally meet, and through her connections she is able to get him a job opportunity.  The only problem is that Calvin--an Irish immigrant who’s overstayed his student visa--is in the States illegally.  So, out of the goodness of her heart and not at all because she wants to jump his bones, Holland offers to marry him so that he can get his green card.  What could go wrong?  Christina Lauren is, again, great at building up the sexual tension between her characters, and can actually write good sex scenes.  This is a sweet, fluffy, silly book.  I’d recommend it to romance fans.  It’s just not as substantial as Love and Other Words and the plot could have been stronger; I basically skimmed over that stuff because it didn’t really grab me, and focused more on the romantic bits between Holland Calvin.  A quick, nice read, but I’ve read better romance novels.

Lying in Wait by Liz Nugent.  2/5.  Andrew and Lydia, a wealthy couple who’ve fallen on hard time, have buried the body of a young woman in their back yard. Though Lydia desperately tries to keep the secret from their son, Laurence, he discovers the truth before long.  Meanwhile, their victim’s sister investigates Annie’s disappearance, struggling for answers.  Ugh, this hasn’t been a great month for me + thrillers.  This one sucked.  In theory, there were good ideas, and moments of good voice, but the overall execution was very poor.  The characters came off as caricatures, one of the worst things you can do in a thriller imo.  And ooooh, there was so much emphasis on Laurence’s obesity, Annie’s lack of education--it seemed lurid and borderline exploitative at times.  Hard pass.

[growth-hurts]

Self-care, Mental Illness and My Job

(TW)

Self-care or at least the true meaning of self-care has alluded me for most of my life. I used to think of self-care as buying something you shouldn’t or a binge on food/drink that I didn’t need but wanted in that moment. Basically doing something that was not going to be good in the long run but gave me momentary joy. 

I’ve began to understand what the true meaning of self-care is to me (obviously everyone will have a different definition). Self-care for me has turned into taking care of myself daily to set myself up for success. Mostly self-care looks like not eating dairy, sleeping for 8 hours a night, drinking enough water, reaching out to loved ones, therapy, and more. This makes up a majority of how I take care of myself, but there are days every so often where my mental illness takes over and this holistic mindfulness escapes me. 

I’ve struggled with my mental health since I can remember and by that I mean.. like early grade school which is really shocking to look back and see once you are more educated about how mental illness manifests in children, but I digress. Since I’ve started formally being seen for my mental illness I have had a variety of diagnosis but I’m currently working with a psychiatrist that I trust who has diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. This may seem like a lot of diagnosis, but honestly they all kind of blend together into one big... mess? Wish I was kidding. Anxiety has always been a huge part of my life but in college it started getting worse. My depression and suicidal ideation really started to set in when I arrived at college and got really bad the summer between my freshman and sophomore year.

My Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis was given about two years ago and that’s when my life really started to change. There will be a multitude of posts about this in the future I’m sure, but I am really thankful for my psychiatrist and his help turning around.  When I found out, I told my professors and my boss because I thought it was important for people who I report to to know that while I will work my ass off, I do have a chronic mental illness that sometimes overwhelms my ability to function regularly.  This is the first time my mental illness has taken over in a while but it’s been a doozy. I was paralyzed with anxiety last weekend and thought it was a one-off but thought about staying home Monday. I pushed myself to go to work convinced I was going to be fine. When Thursday rolled around, I started to become anything but. Today is Friday and I have done nothing but sleep, eat some frozen food, and get up to pee. I have spent the whole day being down on myself thinking I was a piece of trash because, “I can’t get my shit together. I will never be able to work in the real world if I can’t improve my overall health. My success is always so short lived.” 

I felt bad all day because I thought I wasn’t actively participating in self-care I was running away from bad feelings and yes, that is not the way to deal with things, but I have been growing so much and the growing pains I’m experiencing right now are just going to lead to bigger and brighter things. It is OKAY that I took today to do nothing because I really really needed to. 

I will feel like myself again soon. 

[hazftcor]

Jealous Book 2 Part 3

Scoot Mctoot cares about his sister so much that he’s willing to do the things he doesn’t want to do, just for her

“Good morning Scott.” You say as you take a seat at the breakfast table.

“Can you add another plate for my new boyfriend please?” Scott looks at you, startled. You laugh at his expression. 

“Do not tell me you and Theo are dating now.”

“Yes we are, is there a problem?” Scott furrow his eyebrows.

“You just broke up with Liam?! Now you’re dating him? The enemy?” You frown.

“First of all, It was Liam who broke my heart and Theo, and Corey, who helped me through my heartbreak. Theo was always there for me and during our adventure fighting off the ghost riders while you remembered Stiles, there was a deep connection between us. Secondly, Theo is not our enemy anymore. he’s my boyfriend.”

“Are you crazy? He’s a f*cking murderer!” He raises his voice.

“Theo will never do anything to hurt me. He loves me! And I love him!“

“You can’t trust him, he’s the reason why you and Liam broke up.”

“I can trust him. I will always trust him. He’s my best friend! You’re just mad because it isn’t your otp!” Scott’s eyes turn red. You get scared and step back. He realizes what is happening and calms back down. 

“I’m sorry Y/n.”

“Please Scott, just let me be with him.” You whisper, afraid he would lash out on you. He steps a bit closer. You flinch a bit.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I didn’t mean to scare you. Please don’t be scared of me.” He reaches his arms out for a hug and you carefully hug him. 

“Hear me out, today is the last pack meeting before Stiles goes off to the FBI thing. We’ll have a vote there. See who agrees and disagrees with you guys dating. I promise I won’t vote until the end.” You nod.

“Is everything okay here?” Theo comes down. You can smell his chemosignals, he was sad.

“Baby, you heard all that?” You ask walking up to give him a hug.

“Yes baby, don’t worry I’m alright.”

“Okay, come on, let’s eat breakfast together.” The three of you gather around the table. You give Theo your plate and go to get your own. It was silent, with only the sound of you guys chewing.

“Oh my God, where the hell is he?” Stiles complains. You cuddle closer to Theo while holding his hand. You catch Corey staring at you and he sends you a wink. A knock is heard on the door and Lydia opens it.

“Finally! Liam and Hayden! You’re here!” The other couple walks in. Liam’s eyes lands on your intertwined hand with Theo.

“Hey guys, sorry we are late. This is my new girlfriend, Hayden.” He smirks.

“Hey, I have a new boyfriend too! Everyone, Theo is my new boyfriend.” Liam glares at you. You knew just how to get on his nerves.

“You guys are gonna have to vote if Theo and Y/n should date.” Scott informs the pack.

“I agree, they look cute together. And Y/n is happy!” Lydia states, smiling. You smile brightly.

“Me! I agree definitely! Come on Mason.” Corey says quickly. You chuckle.

“Okay, I’m okay with them.”

“Okay so that’s 3 out of 8. You just need two more votes to be able to date Theo.” Stiles slowly raises his hand.

“I agree.” Scott gasps, putting a hand on his chest as if Stiles’ choice stabbed him in the heart.

“Stiles.”

“What? Y/n is happy, I am happy.” Stiles says. You grin.

“Okay one more vote. Malia? Liam? Hayden?”

“I completely disagree.” Liam states. You roll your eyes.

“Okay so now its two versus four.”

“I don’t mind, as long as he,” Malia jabs a finger at Theo. “,doesn’t bother me.”

“Is that a yes?” Scott asks. She nods. You happily jump up.

“Yay! Thanks Scotty! Thanks Mal, Thanks Lyds, Thanks Mas, Thanks Stiles, Thanks Cor! I love you all. Well not you.” Your eyes land on Liam. He frowns. You go back to cuddling Theo, who has been silent all along. You smile at him and he smiles back, kissing your forehead,

“What’s wrong babe?”

“Nothing, I just feel unwelcomed.“ You put your hands on his.

“Baby, it’s just one pack meeting. you don’t have to come to the rest if you don’t want to.” You give a small smile and cuddle closer to him, inhaling his scent.

“Okay so since we’re going to college, I’m leaving it up to you guys to protect Beacon Hills. If you have any problems, ask Y/n or Liam. They will be your alpha 2.0.″

“Why me and him?” You whine.

“because, you’ve been in the supernatural world longer than him and he’s my first beta.”

“Yeah, Yeah. just like the old times. Don’t worry Scotty, I will protect those who cannot protect themselves as much as possible, and that includes dear Liam over there, who has the I.E.D. What does it stand for again? Intermittent Explosive Disorder?” It was a good thing you had Brett Talbot’s number, because he and Liam held a grudge against each other. Brett loves to play with Liam’s anger issues. It was also good that you were good friends with Allison before she died.

“Y/n.” Scott sternly says. You snicker.

“Can you please stop trying to get MY boyfriend angry?” Hayden speaks up.

“Don’t emphasize on ‘my’ please. He was my boyfriend in the first place.”

‘Well-”

“Hayden.” Liam states. Hayden instantly shuts up. The meeting continued on, with the tension being so thick that you can cut a knife through it. You received glares from Hayden, so you glared back. 

Finally, when the meeting finished, you and Stiles embraced tightly.

“I’m gonna miss you Y/n. Call me if you miss me.”

“Oh Stiles. I will miss you and your sarcasm.” You let go so Stiles and Scott could hug.

“Princess I’m gonna go.” Theo says from behind you. You turn to him and pout.

“Awh but I wanted you to stay.”

“I don’t think Scott likes me. I’ll come by once in a while don’t worry.” He smiles to reassure you. 

“Okay, stay safe baby.” You peck him on the lips before he walks out the door. 

When everyone left Scott walks up to you.

“Y/n you can have my motorcycle. I have Stiles’ jeep now.” He hands me his keys. “Take good care of it.” You nod.

That motorcycle can save someone’s life.

By the start of the school year, everything was different. 

“Hey! Nice work Diaz! Nolan, you can stay in there. You can take him. Nice shot, the best for pre-season.” Scott blows the whistle and watches the players on the field. You walk up to your brother.

“Hey sis, You ready to fill in my spot?” You nod. 

“Assistant Coach McCall, What exactly are you doing?”

“Drills.”

“You’re giving them hope. When did I ever give you hope?”

“Never.”

“Exactly. Nothing motivates more than withering criticism. Also is this the new assistant coach? And speaking of losers, where's- where's your little friend?” Scott looks around the field for Liam.

“Yes coach, I’m Y/n McCall.”

“You’re a girl. Have you played Lacrosse before? Have I seen you play?” You nod.

“okay show me your moves. Go change.” You start to leave to go change. Coach turns back to Scott.

“Um..”

“Um? Is um a location? Is um behind me?”

“He’ll be here okay. He’s the backbone of our team, he stepped it up everyway possible. A born leader who can handle anything you throw at him.” Scott looks at you and gestures you to find him quick. You give him a nod.

“hey little McCall, who’s that on the bleachers?” Coach points to Theo sitting on the bleachers, reading a book.

“He’s my boyfriend. Gotta go.” You run inside and enter the boys change room.

“I can’t handle this.” Liam sulks, lying on the bench, half naked. You roll your eyes.

“Dude you haven’t even changed? Stop sulking about Hayden. Scott has faith in you.” The three boys look at you.

“Go away Y/n, You don’t belong here.” Liam says.

“I do. I’m the new assistant coach.”

“I can’t handle this.” Liam groans. You roll your eyes again and help him. 

“Yes you can. And you’ve handled so much worse than this. Now stop crying.” Corey and Mason grab his uniform. You push him up.

“I don’t think you should be here. This is the boy’s change room.” Corey says, nervously.

“Corey. Both of you are fully dressed, literally the only thing to see at the moment is Liam and his naked chest. And I’ve seen Liam naked before.” You help him put on his uniform and lacrosse things. Liam ignores what you said.

“You’re practically the Alpha now dude.” Mason tells Liam.

“i’m nothing without her.” You roll your eyes dramatically.

“Can you stop being a crybaby?” You push Corey and Mason away so you can quickly put on his clothes. Liam stares at you.

“You don’t understand, Hayden left me.”

“Good,” Corey hits you gently. You smirk.

“She moved, to protect her sister. It’s not like she dumped you or anything.” Mason explains

“Why are your arms so god damn heavy? Liam help me out here please.” You complain, struggling to put on the lacrosse padding over him. Mason gets a text.

“Okay, Scott says coach is losing it.”

“Scott’s leaving too.” Liam says before falling back towards you. You push him away.

“Going to college is not leaving, okay? it’s called growing up. And we’re all going to different colleges eventually.” Mason explains

“I thought we both were applying to UCLA?” Mason hand gestures Corey to shut up.

“You guys are going to the same college?”

“That’s not the point.”

“I don’t know where I’m going, so...”

“I don’t want to be with you.” You gasped, pretending to be offended

“Liam, we’re still here. Stop sulking and get moving. I have to change myself too.” Mason gives him his lacrosse stick and you get away from the boys, taking off your shirt.

“Um. Y/n.”

“What? Just look away duh.” You chuckle at Corey’s response when he saw you in your bra. 

“You still wear that bra?” You face reddens and you quickly put on your jersey which was Scott’s old jersey.

“Shut up.”

‘What is the point?” Corey and Mason start dragging him out. You follow.

“The point is, summer is almost over. We’re gonna be seniors. This is about to the best year of our entire lives, and you’re still captain of the lacrosse team.” They back up into and fall on each other. You laugh. Mason phone vibrates.

“Coach is making Diaz captain.” Liam’s expression changes. 

“Welp see ya. Gonna be kicking your asses later.” You wave goodbye before running out.

Diaz has the ball when you reached the field. 

“Other team, little McCall.” You run to the other side and put on your helmet. You look at Theo who was look at you. He smiles. Diaz throws the ball towards the net. Right before it hits the net, Liam jumps in. 

“Now that’s how you play lacrosse, McCall. Who is that kid? He’s spectacular.”

“Coach, That’s Liam.”

“well how am I suppose to tell them apart? They all are wearing the same thing.”

“They got numbers on the jersey’s coach.” Liam was running with the ball and you smirk. You run right at him, slamming into him. Both of you fall.

“Ow god damn it.” Liam gets up slowly, breathing heavily.

“F*ck. Liam.” You say. Scott blow his whistle and runs toward you guys.

“Y/n!” You put your hands up in surrender. Liam looks up with his beta eyes.

“Liam, your eyes.” Scott says.

“McCall. what the hell was that? That wasn’t a foul. That’s called winning.” Everyone gathers around but their eyes land on something else. A wolf.

The wolf growls and walks a bit closer.

“Everyone back.” Scott tells everyone. They step back. You step a bit behind Scott. You see Nolan standing and staring at the wolf.

“Nolan.” You say. You look at Scott.

“Nolan, Stay back. Are you okay?” You ask pulling him back. He looks at you, fear in his eyes. Scott stars at the wolf, eyes flashing red. The wolf turns around. Scott looks back at you and Liam. You nod. Liam and Scott follow the wolf into the woods, while you get everyone settled.

You hear Scott and Liam groan as you walk by Scott’s room. They were trying to close Scott’s suitcase. They were able to close for a second, but once they threw it on the bed, it opened again. 

“Hi guys. Having some trouble I see.” You smirk. 

“Y/n go away.” You fake gasp at what your brother just said. You go and sit in between the two boys.

“I’m offended Scott. Are you guys trying to kick me out of the house? Keep in mind that this is my house too.”

“Go away.” Liam tries to push you away.

“No. Don’t touch me. Liam was being a pervert today.”

“You changed in front of me.“

‘It’s not like you guys never seen each other naked.” Scott adds. The both of you blush.

“So do you want to talk about it?” Scott asks Liam.

“I thought we were talking about it.” You poke Liam’s head.

“Ow, what the hell?”

“That’s obviously not what Scott’s talking about.”

“Oh. That. Me.” You shake your head smiling.

“Yea. You. Your fangs. your eyes. your growl.”

“This is like the dread doctors all over again.” Liam blushes a bit, thinking about those times.

“Its not like we’re talking about this.”

“You just gotta remember your mantra. What three things cannot long be hidden?” 

“The sun, the moon, the truth.” You chirp in.

“I haven’t had to used that-”

“What three things cannot long be hidden?” Scott repeats.

“The sun, the moon ,the truth.” Scott tells him to repeat that over again. He takes a deep breath and repeats it. Scott listens to his heart beat.

“Better.” You hug Liam.

“I swear to god, if you make me kiss you again, I am gonna kill you.” You whisper. Scott laughs and Liam laughs in embarrassment.

“You don’t have another suitcase do you?”

“I have duct tape.”

[adultfansofonedirection]

one of you, I think it was canidce, said that you've recently lost a lot of weight. can you share your tips and plan and stuff? im trying to loose weight as well and I need some help and motivation. thnx love your blog btw

Hi! Yes in the last seven months I’ve lost around 40lbs! Down from 180s to 140s. 

I’m probably going to share a lot so I’ll put it under the cut!

I should also start by saying that I’ve struggled with bulimia since high school, and for a summer in college when I tried weight watchers I began developing exercise bulimia, meaning that every time I “cheated” on my diet I would try to make up for it with an insane and unhealthy amount of exercise, often waking up in the middle of the night to hide it from my family to go work out for hours in the basement so I wouldn’t wake them up. It was a really scary thing and I’m glad it didn’t last for too long, mostly because I decided to stop dieting and therefore didn’t feel like I had to make up for any missteps in my diet. 

So, for me, dieting can be really triggering and lead me down a spiral of self loathing and unhealthy behavior. It’s probably the reason that for most of my life I’ve been overweight. If I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about exercise, then I wouldn’t spiral again. 

Despite all this, around July I decided that I wanted to try to change some of my lifestyle habits. I wasn’t feeling great or healthy in my body. I turned 28 in May, but I felt like I was still eating and living like a 21 year old. and even when I was 21, my metabolism and body type couldn’t really handle it. My gynecologist also suggested weight loss to try and regulate my cycle, along with my chiropractor encouraged me to get stronger to help to try and alleviate some back pain. 

So I joined the gym a minute from my house (thank god for student discounts that shit is expensive), and decided to be more mindful about what I was eating.  however, I made a very conscious and mindful decision not to “diet”. 

My rules were/are as follows:

-eat really clean during the week if I can

- eat lots of lean proteins, veggies, fruits, nuts. I try to eat the majority of my carbs right before or after a workout and in the earlier part of the day so my body uses them like it should. 

- little to no processed sugar and alcohol

- practice portion control 

- all bets are off on the weekend. eat whatever the fuck I want with no guilt or shame. 

basically I wanted to try doing the 80/20 rules. Eighty percent of the time I try to be very healthy, mindful, and consistent. Twenty percent of the time I eat what I want. I have found, though, that my diet and habits have changed overall so I’m still not binging or going crazy on the weekends. But I don’t beat myself up for having some drinks, or dessert, or a burger as long as that’s not what I’m doing all the time. 

This has been so helpful for me as a guilt ridden and obsessed with control bulimic. I don’t think of myself as being “on a diet”.  It’s really felt like a total success that I haven’t relapsed or even thought about relapsing into previous bad habits, both eating wise and eating disorder wise. I know this might not work for everyone, and if I wanted to go on a stricter diet, I probably could lose more weight. But honestly, I’m feeling really happy and healthy right now and think I’ve struck a good balance for once in my life. 

I also only weigh myself once a week to keep on track and I don’t keep a scale in my house, it’s too dangerous. 

Again, this might not be successful for everyone and isn’t as strict of a diet if you’re looking to lose some serious weight, but I found it to be the best in maintaining my own sanity and life style changes without going back to bad and scary habits. 

Exercise:

I’m not going to lie to you about this part; I work my ass off in the gym. For the most part I work out six days a week. I wake up early during the week to go to the gym and I try to take three days of cardio and three days of weight/strength training. I usually take group classes because they’re more motivating and encourage me to push myself. It’s been amazing to feel stronger and like my endurance is through the roof. 

When I first joined the gym, it was embarrassing to feel like I was dying in every class. If you stick with working out though, you’ll get stronger and now I look forward to my workouts everyday. I enjoy going and working up a sweat. It’s great time that I take for myself everyday. 

If you want specifics, my current routine is this:

Monday: my lazy day tbh. I wake up early and go do a cardio machine for about 45 mins then do some weight training. It’s mostly to get me into the week and wake me up in the morning. 

Tuesday: I do either yoga or a Body Pump class. Body pump is a weight lifting class and I love it. I’m probably going to do more body pump because my new years resolution is to focus on strength and toning more. 

Wednesday: either spin in the morning or I sleep in once in a while and take a hip/hop dance class at night. i can’t do that too often because my back can’t handle all the jumping around all the time. but I LOVE it. 

Thursday: yoga

Friday: spin 

Saturday: yoga sculpt. basically yoga with more weights and circuit training. 

Sunday: rest

I never thought I’d be one of those people who looks forward to their workout, but I do. It took me a while to get in the habit, but my workouts give me a sense of accomplishment. 

anyway, I don’t know if this was motivating for you, or helpful at all. If I had one piece of advice it’s this very cliche but entirely true thing; don’t think of yourself of a diet or trying to lose weight, think of it as a lifestyle change. I honestly do feel like my lifestyle has changed and I’ve been able to sustain it because I wanted to get healthy, not just loose a quick ten pounds. If you ever need help or motivation, come talk to me and we can help motivate each other. 

xxx Candice 

[itakesurveys]

Survey 288

Boyfriend & I are taking this survey together; 

when did you last see someone you know in public? Joshua: hmmmm.. i think it was my uncle in target.  Zachary: no idea. i had to be years. 

do you enjoy going to the dentist? Joshua: ehhh no my favorite place.  Zachary: whatever. idc. 

when did you last eat something you didn’t like? Joshua: hmmm... no idea. i don’t eat things i don’t like?  Zachary: today.. a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds. 

do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? Joshua: 10000%  Zachary: ^^^ i’d kick all their asses. 

when did you last hang out with a bunch of friends at one time? Joshua: after my best friends wedding.  Zachary: like a month ago. 

what kind of music is your least favorite? Joshua: hmmmm... christian rock?  Zachary: country? 

are you and your best friend complete opposites? Joshua: no 1000% the same. Zachary: i wouldn’t say complete opposites. 

would people around you say you’re regularly a mean person? Joshua:  no.  Zachary: ^^^^ 

do you like the color yellow at all? Joshua:  YES MY FAV. i do love yellow roses.  Zachary: yeah. 

if you were to write a novel, what would it be about? Joshua: hmmm.. . pop culture?  Zachary: fantasy, or my life story? 

how many times have you logged in to Bzoink? Joshua: no idea what that is?  Zachary: never. 

are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? Joshua:  nahhhh. can’t be bothered.  Zachary: nope i’m not. 

are you an impatient person? Joshua:  nah.  Zachary: sometimes. yes. 

are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? Joshua:  lol.... no.  Zachary: bring on the sex. haha. 

who sings the last song you listened to? Joshua: little mix.  Zachary: ^^^ 

why do you think some actors don’t want to see their movies/shows? Joshua:  i can see that. people are super critical of themselves.  Zachary: embarrassed. 

do you think fortune tellers are the devil’s messengers? Joshua: no  no no.  Zachary: that sounds so stupid. 

would you rather use napkins or paper towels? Joshua:  paper towels i guess?  Zachary: ^^ 

do you go to the pool in the summer time very often? Joshua:  nah.  Zachary: nah. 

have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? Joshua:  nahhh.  Zachary:  i can’t see shiiit. 

have you ever watched South Park? who’s your favorite character? Joshua: yeah here and there.  Zachary: i don’t care about it. 

do you have sensitive teeth? Joshua:  nope.  Zachary: yeah, sure. kinda. 

do you enjoy or hate snow days? why is this your choice? Joshua: i enjoy snowdays, dah.  Zachary: ^^^ 

do you turn pale when you get sick? Joshua:  yes.  Zachary: yesss. 

does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? does it hurt? Joshua: ummm yes. gross.  Zachary: you don’t really feel it. 

when did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? Joshua: mmmm no idea. month ago.  Zachary: let me check my texts. this past Wednesday. 

what is the day of the week currently? Joshua:  sunday.  Zachary: ^^ 

is anything exciting coming up in the next three months? Joshua:  moving! Zachary: ^^^^ 

do you ever borrow money from someone? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: yeah, my broke af. 

when did you last kiss someone on the cheek? who was it? Joshua:  my doood. this morning.  Zachary: ^^  like 30 min ago. 

do you have a lot of enemies, or not so much? Joshua: nahhh. people do seem to judge me tho.  Zachary: nahh. because i don’t care enough. 

can you count backwards from 100 without a mistake? Joshua: idk.  Zachary: ya, its numbers. just count backwards. 

do you have any friends you’ve had since birth? Joshua:  yes. andrea.  Zachary: my sister & cousins. 

do you care if your friends talk badly about you? Joshua: dahhh.  who are they?  Zachary: I”M SORRY WHAT WAS SAID? lol. if they talk bad they aren’t friends? 

would you rather drink out of a straw or just the cup alone? Joshua:  strawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Zachary: depends on what i’m drinking. 

does anyone ever say they miss you often? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: my dood even though we are together everyday. 

would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Joshua: wizard.  Zachary: ^^^ 

is there anyone out there who has made you feel miserable? Joshua:  prob.  Zachary: ya. 

do you have a problem answering personal questions? Joshua: nope.  welll... maybe yes.  Zachary: sometimes yes. most of the time. 

what color is the vacuum-cleaner in your house? Joshua: white.  Zachary: i don’t even know where the vacuum cleaner is. 

have you already moved out of your parents’ house? Joshua: yes. but i’m back but leaving this month.  Zachary: yes. 

are your parents divorced, married or separated? Joshua:  divorced.  Zachary: ^^ 

have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? Joshua:  i did as a child. i had so much built up anxiety i use to be super anal and collect things. i collected my toys rather then playing with them and excessive cleaning but then i broke from it after i came out and accepted myself. but now i struggle with the major opposite.  Zachary: yes. 

do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: well dah. 

what is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Joshua: hmmmm Bridesmaids?  Zachary: The Heat? Scary Movie 2? 

what are your views on our current president? Joshua: AMERICAN TRASHHHHH. Zachary: in short. NEXTTTTT. 

has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? were you sad? Joshua: xanga! myspace.  Zachary: nah. 

is it awkward to see your best friend’s parents out in public? Joshua: umm no?  Zachary: i say “heyyyyyyy” 

who is the person you talk to the most in your house? Joshua:  my dood.  Zachary: my boyfriend. 

is there a television show out there that you never miss? Joshua:  a lot of them. Zachary: right now, the last and final season of Arrow. 

what movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? Joshua:  Titanic, The Danish Girls  Zachary: Resident Evil. 

what are the last two digits of your phone number? Joshua:  25.  Zachary: YOU WISH YOU KNEWW. 

does it creep you out to see people with mullets? Joshua:  no. it’s sad.  Zachary: it’s fucking gross. 

what is your biggest responsibility in your household? Joshua: supporting my dood.  Zachary: wearing a burger king crown, dah. haha. 

how cold did it get where you live last winter? Joshua:  idk. -3?  Zachary: idk, wasn’t that bad of winter. 

do you ever wish you could go back in time to redo something? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: yes. 

ever accidentally pull out a filling from your tooth? Joshua: omg noo.  Zachary: nooo i don’t have any cavities. 

do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? Joshua: not even a little.  Zachary: no. 

have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? Joshua: i’m sure?  Zachary: no, because i don’t care and never felt i need to lie. fuck it. 

do you ever listen to the radio anymore? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: i like talk shows in the morning. 

does it bother you to have personal conversations with people? Joshua: depends.  Zachary: didn’t i answer this. 

ever ride in a limo? when did you last do so? Joshua:  yes prom.  Zachary: ya, i road in a limo on way to britney spears concert. 

do any of your body parts hurt at this moment in time? Joshua: yes my back.  Zachary: my left ball. haha. 

are you sober at the time being? Joshua: yes.  Zachary: yes but not for longg. 

do any of your friends constantly do things to annoy you? Joshua: no.  Zachary: nah. do you have any friends? 

when did you last eat a Starburst? what color was it? Joshua:  not my thang.  Zachary: idk, april? 

have you ever lied to someone and said they could sing when they couldn’t? Joshua: nahhh.  Zachary: no. 

do you ever call backstabbers out on what they do? Joshua:  can’t be bothered.  Zachary: fuck yeah, don’t be fake hoe. 

how many people in the world do you trust? Joshua: idk, 5.  Zachary: idk, 3. 

[aoasime]

also can i just say...next year gon be the year of getting fit :} i honestly hate the way i picture fitness in my head, like it’s a sterile ass lifestyle? idk. but like i’ve lost 20 pounds in the last few months, and i’m left feeling like a soft lil lady. like honestly the changes my body has gone through since like i was 13 amazes me. i went from being a normal child, to having major surgery and going from like a fucking muscular 120 to being 155 from medications, then in turn having an absolutely fucked up view on my body and food :( to having a pretty bad eating disorder and adderall addiction leaving me at a bony 120, to getting on a mood disorder medication and literally weighing like 170, to then going back to unhealthy eating habits and adderall addiction, leaving me at about 155 at my absolute thinnest, eating pills all fucking day and losing my brain, to then again getting up to 165, to then now, still struggling with self image, and how i view food but maintaining a weight of 143. like rn i feel okay with the size i am but i want to be genuinely fit. like in good shape. i normally eat pretty healthy and when i do fuck up and eat like take out and fast food it absolutely ruins my stomach. i think heroin really effected my IBS because like idk. shitty food makes me feel shitty physically and like it’s just convientent at times because i do live with other people and like if i cook i have to wash dishes and do all that shit immediately, sometimes if it’s 9 pm and i haven’t eaten yet then i get drive thru food, literally i never fucking did that for months until the last few days bc i am stressed and like tired and i try to take my free moments to indulge in like painting or fucking on my phone bc i want to not be constantly going and working 24/7, i need down time too. but like i’ve already decided that next year, i have the 1-3 maybe the 4th too off. the few days i’m like getting a gym membership and i’m planning out exactly what my life is gonna look like these next few months. i’m in the process of applying for an apartment rn, which id move into in may. i’m also in the process of getting my CNA to get into the field i want to be in and then by next summer i wanna be on my way to getting my nursing degree. like there’s just a lot mentally going on for me right now, between struggling with the now and hoping and planning for the future that i do get overwhelmed but i’ve learned ways to really just like. take it one damn day at a time. and instead of freaking out i try to get real about my situation. sometimes when things are looking up i get down on myself like “this is too good to happen to me” “i don’t deserve this” but like i do. and i deserve it because i put in the work. i mess up all the time, but i try hard. i try my hardest to stay on top of things. and i just really pray for a peace of mind these next few months. i worry about so much all the time whether it be insecurities, relationships, work, having enough time, am i enough am i doing enough and i think the answer is yes. i feel like my brain is just like a bunch of puzzle pieces at times and like the bigger picture will come together. idk i love ranting off on here. i really really have been working hard and it hurts when i feel like i’m falling back but sometimes it’s just that i’m taking more on which is healthy and normal. imma figure dis out ok i got this