#like yes. I am nice. That does not mean you get to treat me badly

[humblewonderer]

I remember someone once told me, absolutely serious, that it was offensive to say my God was the one true God because "what about OTHER people's gods, it's offensive to put them down"

Like buddy. What IS offensive is trying to water down my beliefs and say it's rude to believe God is the true God. What's next, it's offensive to pray for people (IN MY HEAD) without their consent? OH WAIT

[dc-marvel-life]

You Are My Family Now

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x reader

Summary: Natasha is dating someone that the team does not like and tries to get Natasha together with Bruce.

Word Count: ~1.5K

A/N: This is for @waltermis. I saw that you looking for a story like this, and I love the idea so much I made it. Lisichka - little fox, I found this online so I am not 100% sure if it means little fox.

Warnings: The team is mean

You are an ex-assassin/spy for hire who was awfully good at her job. Your biggest enemy was the Avengers, but they never were about to spot you. You caused many injuries and near-death experiences for them, so you were on their naughty list. 

No one in the world was able to get close enough to catch you, well no one but Natasha Romanoff. You also have a soft spot for you. You could never pinpoint exactly why but you had the biggest crush on her. It was the way her body moved against you. It was always a dance between you too, but you always got away. You couldn’t tell if you were just that skilled or she let you go on purpose. 

You thought that she liked the cat and mouse game that you both played just as much as you do. It was also the way she talked to you. No matter what the situation is or what you said, she always had a sassy comeback that made your heart skip a beat. 

— 

It all changed one night in Paris. You were working a job where you needed to take out a mob boss who was staying at a hotel nearby. You were just about to walk up and take him out when Natasha came out of nowhere and stopped you. 

A fight ensued and you got badly injured. You couldn’t finish the mission with how bad the wound was. You needed to get to your safe house immediately and take care of the wound before you bleed out. You somehow managed to get to your safe house alive, but you weren’t alone. Natasha was able to follow you back.

“Looks like you got sloppy there Silver Fox,” Natasha says once she enters your safe house with a gun in hand. You smile at the way she says your code name. She says it with so much lust behind it. This time you couldn’t say anything smart back at her because you were bleeding to death.

Natasha looked at you and saw that you were in real pain. You are lying on the floor with your hand on the wound trying to put pressure on it but slowly losing it. Just like you, Natasha had a soft for you too. Natasha puts down her gun and treats your wound. Once she finishes patching you up, she puts you in the bed and finds some food and water for you.

“Don’t scare me like that again Fox” Natasha says handing you water.

“Wouldn’t plan on it. Then who would you track across the whole world to see” you say taking the water.

“By the way, my name is Y/N,” you say realizing that you never knew each other names. Just code names Black Widow and Silver Fox.

“My name is Natasha. It is nice to finally meet you” Natasha says with a small smile. You both stare at each other’s eyes then something clicks. You both lean in for a kiss that feels like it lasted for hours. That night you both made love in that safe house until the sun came up. 

— 

That became your guys' routine for a few years. You guys will find each other then find a hotel or safe house to make love all night and leave in the morning. During the years that you both have been hooking up with each other, you started to fall in love with Natasha. After you guys finished, you would talk about everything. She told you about the Red Room and how she lost her sister. You told her about your backstory and why you are an assassin/spy. 

You wanted to do better for Natasha, so you slowly started to take fewer and fewer jobs until you were completely out. Natasha was able to track you down in Jamaica. Once she got there, you told her that you were about of the game and wanted to do right by her. Natasha was so happy to hear it and officially asked you to be her girlfriend. 

You said yes and you guys spent a week in Jamaica. Natasha didn’t know that you planned for this whole week. It was the best time of your life. 

A month later, Natasha told the team that you guys were together and they weren’t happy about it. You have caused so much damage to the team over the years and it can’t be fixed anytime soon. 

You understood and asked for a chance. The team didn’t want to give you a chance, but Fury wanted to keep your talents so he let you on the team with pushback. 

You were happy that you could actually do some good in the world and be near your girlfriend. After a few months of staying there, you and Natasha moved into the same room together. Everything was going great with you two.

— 

Now you are on a solo mission while the team is at the compound having a chill night drinking, playing games, and watching movies.

Natasha is drinking with the rest of the team but she is waiting for you to be back. You told her tonight when you come back you are going to cook her a nice meal to celebrate each other. So Natasha is trying not to drink too much unlike her teammates who are drunk right now. 

“You know Nat, you shouldn’t be dating Gold Fox,” Tony says slurring his words.

“It is Silver Fox and she has a name,” Natasha says defensively.

“Look what we are trying to say that she isn’t good for you. Why not date Bruce? He is a better fit for you” Wanda says to her best friend. Natasha rolls her eyes at the thought of it. She only wants to be with you. It was no secret that Bruce has a crush on Natasha and everyone is for it but you and Natasha. 

“No, I am in a happy relationship” Natasha bites back at her team. 

“How about you kiss to see? You may never know. Now kiss” Tony says and the whole team starts to chant ‘kiss’.

“Hell no!” Natasha says but now Bruce is drunk and has some confidence. He comes over to where Natasha is and pulls her into a kiss with the team cheering. 

Then you hear a loud bang. The team turns around to see you standing there with bags of groceries. You drop the bags and leave the compound.

“Look at what you guys did” Natasha gets up to try and catch you but you are long gone. Natasha sighs and starts to pick up the bags that you dropped. Natasha let out a sigh because she was looking forward to dinner. You always made her the best food and she wanted a night alone with you. You've both been on missions back to back and needed it. 

Natasha picks up the bags and sees a small box. She opens the box to see a beautiful engagement ring. It is the ring that Natasha has been describing you for months now. 

“You guys are all dicks!” Natasha screams and takes off to the landing bay. She knew exactly where you were going. The safe house in Paris.

Natasha takes a small jet and goes to you. She gets to the safe house and sees you on the bed in a ball crying while holding a picture of you two on your first date. 

“Lisichka” Natasha comes over to you and holds you tight. She wipes away your tears.

“Why would you do it” you say in a small voice.

“Lisichka, it didn’t happen that way. The whole team was drunk and wanted me to kiss Bruce. I said no and he came up and grabbed me. He kissed me, but I didn’t kiss him. These lips are only for you” Natasha kisses your cheek. You turn around so you are looking in her eyes to see that she is telling the truth, and she is. 

Natasha likes to think that you can’t tell when she is lying but you also do. 

“Now were you serious about this” Natasha holds up the box.

“Yes. I was supposed to ask you about a beautiful dinner and it be romantic” you say sadly.

“Well, the answer is yes. And this is just perfect for me” Natasha kisses you with all the passion that she has. You hold her close so she does go away.

“Let’s run away together,” Natasha says once she breaks the kiss. 

“Baby, no,” you say and Natasha looks at you confused.

“As much as I would love to run away with you. The Avengers are your family. You even got Yelena back in your life. I don’t want to be the reason why you have to leave your family” you say holding her cheek.

“You know that you are my family now too right” Natasha gets the ring out of the box. You stop her and put the ring on her. 

“That’s very true,” you admire her with the ring on.

“Fine, but I will make them like you,” Natasha says in all seriousness. 

“I bet you will,” you say and kiss Natasha again. You guys spend the night making love to each other in the same place that started it all.

Masterlist

[according2thelore]

Your beta Dean idea has me FERAL. I desperately need more if you're willing to provide more ideas. THE INSECURITY. THE PURE HURT/COMFORT POTENTIAL. UGH.

Also omega "about a boy" Dean and alpha sam? I NEED. I'm definitely going to check and see if anyone has written any fics about that because UGH. SO MUCH POTENTIAL. If you ever decide to expand on that idea please tag me I'd love to read more about it!

Now I'm even thinking about the es/ls verse and how abo would effect THAT already messy dynamic. Two alpha sams butting heads?(and making the deans very protective/horny) Two omega deans trying to mother the sams?(and making the sams very competitive and horny) Pure chaos lol

Love hearing you abo rants because I too am a big abo fan

Also omega lactating Dean? Yes please. I mean *cough cough* nothing who said that?

EEEE thank you!!!! i love talking about all of them and will do so right now on this ask 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ (this ask is in reference to this recent ask here!)

EXACTLY!!! beta!dean&alpha!sam is so good bc not only does it undermine dean's position in their established hierarchy, i think it makes sam's willing emotional/fraternal submission to him very good and delightful!!!!

and as mentioned in the previous ask, and as you've addressed here, the POTENTIAL IS INSANE!!!!! beta!dean expecting sam to actually and genuinely leave him behind any second to be with an omega, because dean literally cannot give sam the "normal" that he wants so badly. dean crosses his fingers and buys lube and imitation omega slick. he has to mix them together because sam the look on sam's face when he found the original omega slick bottle in dean's back was enough to terrify dean into never bringing it up again.

he won't let sam touch him without an hour of prep beforehand, almost sticking his whole hand up his ass just to make sure he's lubed/loose enough to be "omega" passable. sam tries to initiate morning sex one time and dean flips the fuck out on him, biting back furious and exhausted tears in the bathroom as he fucks himself back on four fingers.

dean flirts wildly because it's not like it matters, and when sam--one too many beers in--corners dean into their booth at the bar and coats dean in scent, teeth closing around the slanted muscle in his neck, dean's agog. sam growls at people that get close, and dean is equally blissed out and heartbroken, because sam is treating him like an actual mate. that's nice. it's really fucking nice.

dean won't let sam mate him. he knows sam'll regret it. he knows sammy loves him, but there's gonna be a nice, small, wet omega that'll walk into a diner or a grocery store or a gas station and something in sam will click and he'll start to resent dean or even worse he'll stay out of obligation.

sam thinks part of dean still doesn't trust him. after all they've been through, sam knows his brain must be scrambled eggs, and being mated to that can't be easy. or maybe dean doesn't trust sam's biology to not turn on him. he hates his presentation, wishes he was an omega or beta, like dean clearly wishes he was.

GAHHHHHH ABOUT A BOY SALMONDEAN GRAHHHHHH

because like !!!!!! fourteen/fifteen-year-old omega!dean who's all big eyes and sharp tongue and he's never been this small in his life!!!!! to sam, even though he was an omega, he was larger than life. he was protection and safety and home, and his scent alone makes sam break the bathroom door straight off of the wall.

while dean is telling him what happened, sam is slowly inching closer and the entire room reeks bc sam desperately wants to SO BAD scent dean before anyone else can smell him like this because this is a BABY!!!!!!! AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE WEIRD ABOUT HIM!!!!!!! not sam though, he's perfectly chill, just look at the wavelength he's vibrating at rn, he's doing great.

dean's pissed when he picks up on what's happening bc "don't patronize me man, c'mon!" but grudgingly lets sam rub his wrists all over dean's hair/neck when sam points out the potential security risks.

dean shivers when they get outside, and sam turns right back around and comes back out of the motel room with three of his own flannels and a jacket, just to give dean some variety. he looks confused, like he's not sure why he's doing it, and shrugs, wide-eyed, when dean yells at him for it.

(dean ends up picking one of sam's oldest flannels, by the way, and the collar is so tall on dean that he's swallowed by it, and can't stop the quiet purr that rumbles out of his throat as they drive. sam almost swerves them into oncoming traffic.)

they go to fight the witch and sam is practically feral, just snarls and teeth and eyes so dark they look demonic. he breaks the fender off a car in the yard with his bare hands. he throws hansel against the ceiling. dean goes down and sam is crouching over him, and no one knows what the fuck to do bc dean is swearing and cursing and has never seen sam like this ever, has never seen an alpha do this.

the reversal spell doesn't work right away, and they trudge back to their motel after letting tina go. tina--also an omega--doesn't affect sam at all. he shrugs and shakes her hand and offers her money, which she gratefully takes. when they finally get into the motel room, sam keeps presenting dean with clothes to make a nest with, and dammit--fine, okay, it's nice, dean's man enough to admit that, as he grouchily punches sam's clothes into submission on his bed.

ES LS VERSE LET'S DISCUSS!!!! YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!

omega!LS!Dean gets furious when omega!ES!Dean very demurely sidles up to LS!Sam, nudges under his chin in what could very well be familial but it's NOT!!!! LS!Dean goes into hyperdrive trying to provide/protect/prove himself to BOTH sams because ES!Dean smells fresh and looks fantastic and his joints don't creak and LS!Dean's always kind of been a broken omega so who the fuck would pick him over this guy?

ES!Sam cuts his finger on a ceremonial dagger while cataloguing one of the storage rooms and LS!Dean swoops in and cares for it and ES!Dean is incandescent with rage because !!!!! that's HIS job !!!!!!

ES!Dean praising LS!Sam for finding some lore and ES!Sam locks in at a heretounforseen-by-mankind degree and pulls out the most obscure hard-to-find lore because yes !!! praise me as well !!!! and now the sams are caught in a death spiral of trying to provide for the deans because their bodies aren't used to there being a competing alpha that guns straight for dean every time.

LS!Dean's jealousy and hurt kickstarting his heat to pull his mate in, and now LS!Sam & ES!Sam are fighting to the death in the hallway because ES!Sam KNOWS the smell of his distressed brother in heat and there's some foreign alpha that wants him while LS!Sam is just matematematemate and completely senseless to anything else.

ES!Dean tries to step in and knock them out of it but they're both also technically fighting over him, and his legs get all wobbly and weak and he's pouring sweat and leaking slick like a goddamn fountain and it ramps the sams up even MORE because now there's TWO distressed/horny omegas and they both smell like "MINE"

and ES!Sam is kind of flabbergasted because LS!Sam has been a wilting flower the whole time he's been here but now he's literally trying to rip ES!Sam's throat out with his teeth because protecting dean is one of the only things LS!Sam has no qualms/morals/hesitation about. he does not fuck around about his mate, and i think this would give him more grudging respect for LS!Sam because he's 230 pounds of a wall of muscle and--for the first time since this whole shitshow started--actually acts like an alpha.

(one of the deans later getting knocked up and no one knows which sam is the father)

and yes, while we're here, i think omega dean lactating is kind of great. it's just his biology kicking into overdrive and trying to be useful/take care of sam in a way he couldn't when he was a child. dean's humiliated and frustrated but like...when sam finds out he can't stop looking at dean's chest JUST SAYING

thank you SO MUCH for this ask!!!! if you couldn't tell, i love and adored this one, and love getting to ramble about omegaverse samdean for 45 minutes 🙂‍↕️ <3

-lizzy

[spectrumgarden]

No real point. Just thinking about how I went somewhere with my friend, and she had just asked me to "come along for the appointment" basically. And I said yes. We chat in the waiting area (me using AAC) and then she gets called in. At that point I just sort of sat there. I wasnt sure what to do? I never asked before. Does "come along for the appointment" mean come inside the room with you? Is it even allowed? What do I do? After a minute she walked back to me and was like hey, come with me! I totally thought you were walking behind me. (Nice tone) So I got up and joined her. But yeah I feel like, the difference between me and allistic people often is that, while they might also get confused by some things, more likely they will chose an action. Raise their voice and ask her if they are supposed to come along. Walk after her and ask. But to me when I'm confused, majority of the time I just dont do anything. I freeze.

In other contexts that usually looks like someone telling me to do something, etc, and I don't move. So my carer has to ask me "what is wrong?" So I say what I dont understand. And then maybe it can be explained and I know what to do.

Sometimes it's a bit easier, for example when pointing and / or one word questions can get my confusion across. Then I might try and use those to figure out what to do without having to be sort of prompted to even explain what I dont understand / am confused about. But yeah.

I know many autistic people attribute things lile these to trauma for asking and being treated negatively for it, but like. I've always just been like this. If it's not clear I will not do shit. It's not a choice. Usually I Want to Really Badly at least move, reach for help. But often it's not possible.

[darkstarofchaos]

For the character ask game, I'm not sure how many numbers you're willing to do for a single ask, so you can just do as much as you want from this. For Prowl - 2, 3, 7, 8, 12, 15, 16, 23, 25

I don't mind a bunch of numbers! Gives me an excuse to ramble, lol. And to rant, because Prowl deserves better.

2: Favorite canon thing about this character?

His willingness to look Optimus in the face and tell him he's being stupid, and to do his own thing to mitigate the stupidity if he has to. Mostly applicable to IDW, but Optimus needs a foil so badly in G1 that I've pretty much transplanted it into G1 Prowl when I write him. Not in its entirety, because G1 Prowl isn't IDW Prowl, but I like that he has his own opinions on tactics and morality and doesn't just go with the Autobot collective. His job is not to be a yes-mech; it's to keep people alive and win battles. If his commander is making stupid decisions, what benefit is there in standing back and letting it happen?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

Making the police car an actual cop was the most boring decision anyone could have made. In stories where the Cybertronians choose their alts, especially, there are so many more interesting things you could say about his character by giving him a pre-war job that's completely unrelated to his Earth alt. For example, I like to think he chose it for tactical reasons: it's a common black and white vehicle, thus perfect as a disguise, and the sirens let him "legally" break Earth traffic laws in an emergency. It's far more interesting if his alt is a result of strategy and reasoning instead of, "I guess I'll take the one that matches my old job description."

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

I like that people took the little tidbit about Prowl having trouble with the unexpected that has exclusively appeared in two bios (that I'm aware of) and made it reasonably common. Would be really nice if they treated it seriously instead of making it comic relief, but maybe it does get treated more seriously these days. I don't read a lot of Prowl fic.

Let's talk about why.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

The image compilations of Prowl getting punched. The prick jokes that litter every TF Wiki page for every G1-based Prowl. The fanfics where Prowl is an uncompromising jerk or straight-up hate sink because the author needed a mean Autobot. The conversations and hypotheticals that make Prowl the source of any amoral action the Autobots take. The people who distill him down into Essence of Asshole and strip out every positive or sympathetic quality he has.

"Prowl gets villainized for being sensible" is one of my most hated fanfic tropes. Grab just about any fic where a Decepticon defects or earns the Autobots' sympathy in some way, and Prowl will be the only one who's unhappy with the situation. Which is perfectly reasonable because that is an enemy and he has no reason to trust them, let alone like them. But because we're supposed to sympathize with the Decepticon, that makes Prowl the villain. The other Autobots aren't naive and unreasonably forgiving, Prowl is just a bad person.

And it's not just IDW fics. G1 Prowl didn't get a whole lot of screen time, and thus no chance to develop his own personality, so he gets slapped with the same portrayal. Never mind the fact that when he does show up, he's one of the nicest characters - sure, he gets in on trash talking the Decepticons (though far less than some of the Autobots), but he's always helping out around base, shows concern for others, and pretty much stays out of interpersonal conflict. And yet, in stories based on a cartoon that has Powerglide, Gears, Cliffjumper, and Optimus Prime himself, I am expected to believe Prowl is the Autobots' resident jerk. Not gonna happen.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

As I mentioned earlier, it's kind of quasi-canon that Prowl has trouble dealing with the unexpected. It's never appeared in any actual media, but it does come from official sources, so I wouldn't call it a headcanon. But I do headcanon that he has some pretty severe anxiety in dealing with people because of it. Things like math and physics are reliable; if something doesn't do what you expect it to, it's because you lacked information, and you can remedy that. You can update your calculations based on the results you actually got, or try to find out what you were missing the first time. Given enough data, you can predict just about anything as long as the results are consistent.

People are not consistent. You can make some sweeping generalizations about them based on categories - social groups, behaviors, readily obvious personality traits - but you can never say with certainty that someone will react in a specific way to something. Once you've known them for a while, you start to understand them and can anticipate them with a reasonable degree of accuracy, but that's assuming their behavior is genuine and consistent. If they're messing with you or pretending to be something they aren't, your data is inaccurate, and you can't correct it unless you know it's inaccurate.

People are the only things in the natural world that can deliberately give you false data about what to expect from them. So yes, I think Prowl has social anxiety. And probably some form of people-centric agoraphobia or anthropophobia.

(I also headcanon him as biromantic asexual. It has nothing to do with the above, and actually predates the anxiety headcanon).

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

If I had to pick just one pairing, I guess I would say Jazz/Prowl. Which is ironic, because for a long time, it was one of my least favorite Prowl pairings. Not because it was particularly objectionable; it was just everywhere, and I couldn't see it working. I think of Prowl as the kind of person who needs a steady, reliable partner who will let him have his routines and respect his desire to plan things before doing them, and Jazz's thing is more spontaneity and flexibility. He seemed like one of the worst partners for Prowl, especially with how I developed Prowl's disorders over the years.

In the end, though, that spontaneity is what brought them full circle to a pairing I can support. Because I do think Jazz would be willing to compromise and accommodate for Prowl's needs, and that Prowl could eventually trust that he's not going to suddenly change how he acts around him. It's a rather tenuous case of opposites attract, and requires patience from both parties, but I can see it working now.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

First, an honorable mention goes to my immediate impulse, which was Constructicons/Prowl. I get why people want IDW Prowl to have someone on his side, and I don't think the Constructicons meant any harm. But Prowl was forced into the team through a series of traumatic events, the Constructicons like him for things he hates about himself, and being a part of Devastator seems to have contributed to his psychological decline. It wasn't a good or healthy situation for him, and I feel like the Constructicons having romantic feelings for him actually makes it more uncomfortable for me.

That being said, I'm going to have to go with Optimus/Prowl as my absolute least favorite ship. Optimus is very strongly motivated by morality and will generally take what he perceives to be the most moral action in a given situation. Pair that with someone like Prowl, who is willing to cross lines when he feels he has to, and you already have a relationship on rough ground. The only way things can work between them is either for Optimus to accept Prowl's "moral failings", or for Prowl to change a fundamental part of himself. There is literally no option that doesn't require one of them to compromise their principles or change who they are. And since Optimus isn't the kind of person who will do that, the only hope for a relationship is to "fix" Prowl. And that gets into abusive territory, because Optimus has power over Prowl in both the physical sense and in their professional relationship. He also has social power, because because Prowl is unpopular and Optimus is exactly the kind of person you wouldn't expect to be capable of abuse.

And yes. For the sake of argument, it could be toxic from Prowl's side too. He could try to hurt Optimus by throwing his mistakes in his face, or by blaming him for everything that goes wrong. But Optimus has a great deal of confidence in himself and the support of pretty much everyone, while Prowl is isolated and already isn't proud of things he's done. He is far more vulnerable to abuse than Optimus is, socially and psychologically, and he just doesn't deserve that.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

Mmm. I guess I would have to say this one, since it inspired an entire story that I'm still working on. There's actually another one that I like better (which also spawned an in-progress story), but I'd have to do more digging to find the link for that one. Might do it later.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

When I started watching G1, the Autobots were just a conglomerate of near-identical personalities to me. Prowl was just one of the generic background bots who got a few minutes of screentime in one episode and was otherwise relegated to a support role. I was mildly interested by some of the fanfic portrayals I saw, but I definitely preferred the Decepticons, so I didn't read much where he was a main character unless there were Decepticon MCs too. And most of those fics were written by a couple authors whose endings were consistently disappointing, so after I stopped reading their stuff, Prowl just dropped off my radar.

Nowadays, Prowl is my favorite Autobot (well, second favorite after Skyfire). Thanks to IDW, I kind of see him as the Autobot version of Starscream (narratively if not in personality), but he's also a fascinating character in his own right. I love that he doesn't conform to the Autobots as a whole, he's fun to write and analyze, and he was the one good thing I got out of the IDW comics. 10/10 character, deserves better.

[singsweetmelodies]

With all respect and love, I absolutely love your fake dating au. If I had to choose an update between that and the kissing fic (or anything else really) I would always choose the fake dating au. There is so much potential! Please tell me you plan on updating and finishing it? If you’re not, can you at least share with us the fic plans so we can have some closure about it? Would you consider letting another author adopt the gif to finish it if you won’t? It really is a Piarles must-read. I hope I can learn the ending!

but see, anon, you DON'T get to choose. only i get to choose, and i have chosen to update the 2023 kisses fic. 😌

... you know, i debated for a long time if i would even bother answering this ask, or just delete it right off the bat. because in my opinion, this is an incredibly rude, insensitive and entitled thing to send to any writer. it was ONLY A FEW DAYS AGO that i talked publicly about how important it is to remember that writers are humans, too, not machines, and to please treat us like humans. and yet here i am again.

i'm going to answer this one more time, and i'm going to answer it in detail, and then in future if i get any asks in this vein, they WILL be deleted without any interaction. you guys are making me consider turning off anon asks entirely, which i really don't want to do, because the other half of my anons are SO very lovely!! but i also have had enough of waking up to rudeness and blatant entitlement in my inbox.

so. why exactly is it that i think this ask is so entitled and insensitive? didn't the anon say "with all respect and love" and compliment my fic at the start of it?

yes. yes, they did. but the thing is, saying "with all respect and love" doesn't mean you can then proceed to be rude to me and it's all fine. that's like me saying "with all due love and respect, i have decided to delete the fic entirely." the fact that i prefaced it with "love and respect" does not make what i did later alright. (although in this case, it WOULD be alright regardless of whether i prefaced it with "love and respect" or not, since it's MY fic and i can do what i want with it.) this anon, on the other hand - this anon has no right to demand anything of me. i am a fanfic author and i do this for free. it is not my job. i have no obligation to do any of this. which means that nobody out there, really, has any right to demand performance from me. (lmao can you tell i have been deep in the law textbooks lately) but the point stands! i don't owe you anything at all.

yes, you can ask me nicely, and i can choose to reply if i want. (hell, if you ask me nicely, i'd probably LOVE to write things for you!!) but you don't get to DEMAND updates from me. and "tell me you plan on updating and finishing // can you at least share with us the fic plans so we can have some closure" is not asking nicely. that's demanding. YES, anon gave me a compliment and they said "with all respect and love." but they're STILL demanding performance from me, and that's not okay. the anon is making it sound like i owe you "closure" (even though this is a work of fiction, not a break-up you're going through, and i think the word "closure" is a VERY dramatic one to use.)

once again (because apparently i LITERALLY CANNOT emphasise it enough) i do not actually owe you anything. i, katie singsweetmelodies, owe you NOTHING. i do not owe you updates or fic plans or whatever the case may be. i might choose to share them with you, yes, but on my own schedule, since they're MY creations made in MY free time.

right. got that off my chest. gosh. NOW! one other thing that i want to make very, very clear before i end this off - i do not give my permission for anyone to "adopt" my work or to write a continuation of it. i am the one who's put in the hours to write all the setup we have so far. i'm not letting someone else benefit off that. if you so badly want a fake dating fic with the conclusion already ready, then you are more than welcome to put in the hours and create it from scratch yourself. but for someone else to take over my work and take it in a direction i probably won't even like? no. absolutely not. permission emphatically NOT granted.

anon: i'm sorry if you feel that this reply is unnecessarily harsh. but this could not have come at a worse time for me, because i really did talk about the importance of treating writers like people just here, just a day or two ago. needless to say, it really struck a very bad chord with me to get an ask like this right after i took pains to explain, publicly, why these kinds of asks are not okay.

i really am happy that you are enjoying the fake dating fic. and i do appreciate that you tried to tell me that, even though the way you did it was completely out of line. i hope that this answer won't... preclude you from enjoying the fic in the future? or something? i'm not sure, to be honest. the whole thing has left rather a bad taste in my mouth.

but one thing i will say to anyone reading this: i know it's been a long time, but just bear with me. i mean it when i say that there will be an update eventually. no, i can't tell you when. i'm not even going to try and give you a schedule, because like i said, i'm a human and not a writing machine. but the fake dating fic is very close to my heart, and i want to see it finished someday just as much as you do. ❤️

(P.S. - if anyone was very worried reading the first part of this answer: NO, i am not actually going to delete the fake dating fic!!! i was just using a very dramatic example, lmao. the fake dating fic is one of my favourite things i've written, and despite the slight... mess... about its updates recently, that's not going to change anytime soon. 💙)

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Meteor Shower (Part 21)

“Well this is gonna get us some attention for sure.” Darcy eyeballs the magazine that rests on the mattress. 

“I think that it’s kind of cute.” Flora smiles. 

Icy, for one, has had enough embarrassment for one week. And yet it just keeps coming. She supposes that it was bound to happen; years of humiliating and mocking others coming back around. 

And once again she is met with the sense that it is all coming apart, everything she has worked for. Everything that she has fought so hard to uphold. 

She should have been more careful.     

“I didn’t realize that the Trix had paparazzis.” Stormy remarks.

“You don’t.” Stella says firmly. “They were almost definitely going for Bloom. Read the headline.”

Right, yes. That would be a reasonable thing to do. But her eyes are fixed on the picture, partially because, all things considered, it is a nice picture and it does capture a moment of relative happiness. But mostly because it is jarring to be so openly confronted with the truth; she is…she is in love with a fairy. 

“Bloom Peters Moves To The Dark Side!” Stormy reads dramatically with a wiggling of her fingers for added pizzazz. 

“Well, I guess that the Trix have finally put you under our spell.” Darcy quirks a brow. “Welcome to the dark side…I guess.”

“I did most of the work.” Icy mutters more to herself. 

Bloom grins, “aren’t you proud of yourself!? You’ve made a witch out of me, according to…” she peers at the magazine cover, “Faeries Fab magazine.” 

“Hardly.” Icy rolls her eyes. She wishes that it were true but she has a sinking feeling that it is more so the other way around.        

“Well look on the bright side; now that they have this story to focus on you won’t have to worry about anyone discovering…” Icy tenses but Bloom catches herself. “The whole withdrawal ordeal.”

Icy releases a breath. She really ought to tell the Winx girls on her own…

“I didn’t realize that you had feelings for Icy.” Stella says to Bloom. 

“It sort of just happened.” Bloom shrugs.

“Well you better treat her right!” Musa declares. “If I find out that you’ve been treating her how Riven treated me or how you treated Darko…”

Bloom puts a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I’m really glad to know that you’re looking out for me. But she’s been fine. I mean she’s…she’s still Icy but, I think that the two of us have this sort of vibe going…” Bloom pauses. “It’s mostly just friendly banter.”

“She’s still a witch.” Tecna points out. 

“Darcy and I have been getting along pretty well.” Flora counters. “And you are getting along with Stormy, aren’t you Musa?” 

“Yeah well, Stormy doesn’t have a history of treating her partners badly enough to leave her.”

“Stormy, is single and proud!” Stormy declares. “Stormy is going to stay single too, so how about that?” 

“Honestly, that’s probably the right way to go.” Musa mutters. 

“Icy’s great, I promise.” Bloom slings an arm over her shoulder. “Right, Icy.”

Icy nods. “I am indeed the greatest. And I think that everybody should stand to appreciate me more.”  She should probably include herself in that statement. Maybe she is mostly talking herself into believing it. 

“Anyways, you guys hardly talk to her, she’s not so bad once you get to know her.” 

Icy clears her throat, “actually witches her bad. All of us. Except for Mirta. Who was actually a fairy so that doesn’t count.”

Bloom side eyes her. “She still sticks firmly to the old school Cloud Tower mentality. Which makes no sense.” She pauses. “Witches like to think that they’re all bad because they like to be tough and kick ass. I think that most of them are actually probably pretty good people once you get past all of the sarcasm.”

“We’ll take your word for it, Bloom.” Layla says. “If you love her then you love her.”

“I didn’t think that she was capable of love until like 30 minutes ago.” Stella confesses. “But if she loves you then we won’t get in the way of anything.”

Bloom pulls her into a hug. “You guys are the best.”

“But seriously, if this is some kind of trick or a trap…” Musa grits her teeth. “Or if you’re just using her for some kind of publicity stunt, we will make you regret it.” 

Stella folds her arms across her chests and nods. 

“I wouldn’t do that.” She assures. She’d do a lot of things, but not that. She won’t break a person in the way that she’d been broken. Or maybe she would have. Inside, Icy recoils; she thinks that she probably would have done something like that just a few months ago. She thinks that maybe the her from a few months ago would be berating her for feeling at least slightly guilty over it. 

Bloom takes her hand and smiles up at her. 

“So what are you going to do then?” Tecna inquires. “When the press starts asking why a witch is dating a fairy.”

Icy shrugs. “I guess that I’ll just…” stop being a frightened, whiny bitch and, “tell them the truth.” Part of it anyways.

“The truth?” Stella tilts her head. “And what’s that.” 

Bloom squeezes her hand harder. 

“I used to be a fairy.”  She mumbles. 

“You what?”

“She used to be a fairy.” Bloom repeats. “And I got to see the pictures.” The woman looks way too proud. 

“It was new to us too.” Darcy replies. 

“What made you decide…” Musa starts. 

“That’s my business!” She snaps. 

Bloom winces. “That’s still a sensitive subject.” She says. “She doesn’t want people to treat her differently. She’s still Icy.” 

She is starting to wonder about that. 

“She won’t admit it but I think that she’s worried about what people would think if they find out.”

“It doesn’t matter, they can think what they will.” She closes her eyes.

She thinks that it might be time. Time to take Bloom up on her advice. At least to some degree. Frankly she feels weaker for having harbored this secret for so long. A real witch, she decides, can uphold her title even having a past as a fairy. 

And for the third time this month she finds herself telling Kyanite’s story.

Her story. 

It feels like another death but this one is beautiful. It is gentle. It is kind. It is wrapping Icy up in a silky blanket, closing her eyes, kissing her forehead, and bidding her a farewell. And maybe that is because this time when the frost phoenix rises again she will still call herself Icy. She will still have Icy’s face and Icy’s mannerisms. But she will have Kyanite’s too. 

Icy had died so that she could be reborn a third time. 

So that Kyanite could live again.

.oOo.

It isn’t hard to find him. 

Not at all.

She has been keeping tabs on him.

Has been for quite some time. 

He loves to have a tall glass of red wine at a bar called Swan’s Lament. He always sits in the left hand corner by the window. Now and then he orders caviar and demands that a single rose is set up on the table in front of him for ambiance. He pays extra for it. He thinks that he is so very classy. 

She props herself up by the window with a glass of absinthe in her hand. She pretends like she cares about whatever is going on outside. Pretends like this song, the classical number that he had requested, is the best most artful song that she has ever heard. 

She shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

She exaggerates the sway of her hips when doing so.

She has his attention. 

She pretends like she does not.

He likes them oblivious and innocent. 

But he also likes them naughty. 

He likes it when she offers him a cigarette when he finally approaches. 

“I do like your energy.” He comments, a few drinks in. “Shy and quiet but with an allure.” He comments. “You know how to speak when it counts.”

“Yes.” She agrees. “I like to think so.”

“I have been looking for a star.” He begins. His hands slide down her hips. And in a few more drinks they are at his flat. Kicking off their shoes and laughing. She doesn’t have to put too much effort into faking it as tipsy as he is. 

“I think that it could be you. The other two were fine enough. But you. You! You’re something truly special. Seldom can a woman walk that thin line between innocent and sexy so very well.”

“I’ve had plenty of practice.” Icy promises. “Would you like a demonstration.” She holds a hand to his chiseled chest. He’s something of an anglerfish like that, a sculpted body and cheekbones that could slice a roaming hand right open. He’s got that devilish goatee and that suave accent that women swoon over. And then he devours them alive. 

“I would like that very much.”

And so, for the eighth and final time, she lets him peel her clothes off. For the eighth and final time his hand slid over her curves and find her breasts. He kisses her neck and she scratches down his back. He gasps.

“Oh you’re quite a treat aren’t you?” He asks. “So innocent and yet you play so rough. You’re a delicacy, a gem.”

She feels his hands on her ass. 

She leans in close to his ear. 

Very close.

“I am a gem.” She agrees. 

He opens his eyes. 

They find the scars on her wrists. 

The scars on her belly. 

She hasn’t bothered to cover them with makeup today.

“Can you guess what kind of gem I am?”

His eyes widen and he swallows hard. 

“What kind of gem am I, Valtor?”

“K-kyanite?”

She offers him a slight smirk and pats that handsome cheek. “Good boy.” 

“Wait, Kyanite, we can revitalize your career. I am very good with that sort of thing. It could be a grand comeback!” He is beaming now. Envisioning the rebirth of his star. “The comeback of a century. It will be unforgettable. Imagine it; a former star, thought to be a lost cause, back and better than ever.” He makes a show of it with all of these sweeping arm gestures. “We can revitalize your career!” He repeats.

“I already have.” 

She holds her hand to his chest “do you want to know what it feels like? To have a part of you die?” 

She brings the magic to her palms and forces it beneath his skin. And his eyes widen again. “You can feel it, can’t you? It’s cold. It spreads slowly.” And it does. The ice takes the outermost layer of his heart first, creeping deeper and deeper. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll dethaw.” She says. “But you’ll be dead before then.” She slips gloves onto her hands and slips a little pouch into his. “Have you ever heard of imp’s wink? It’s a nifty little drug. Can make a good time better, if you know what I mean. The problem is, it doesn’t take too much to overdose on it.” 

“They’ll catch you.” He wheezes. 

“Kyanite killed herself, remember. And Icy has no connection to you.” She gives his cheek another pat. “I’ll have this place cleaned up, they won’t find a trace of me. They won’t think to look for me. They’ll probably look into Diamond’s mother and the rest of MeTor before they give up. But they won’t look for me.”

“Kyanite, undo this spell, we can fix things.”

“I have fixed things.” She gives his forehead a little kiss and he shudders as another spread of ice crackles across his forehead.

“They’ll put the pieces together.” He swears.

“I don’t think that they will. There isn’t an inch of Kyanite that you haven’t changed.” She touches a hand to her cheek. “Do you like it? I took all of the suggestions that you made…the ones that you told me not to mention to anyone. I added my own touches of course…” She lets her voice dip into a frigid hiss. 

“Kyanite…please…” He winces. 

“No sense pleading to a dead girl.” Icy shrugs. “She can’t hear you.”

[eerna]

I love Danielle Gilligan as much as the next person, but after reading that article you linked I’m once again pretty pissed off they didn’t hire a plus sized actress for the role. I was pissed when the casting was announced but I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. But after everything is laid out on the table, with Jesper being given lighter skin as well as his portrayal as a bisexual man, and Kaz not being played by an disabled actor, and the erasure of Inej’s trauma it really shows they don’t actually give a shit about representing the canon characters. Everything that article points out really hits home and like the cast seems so cool and nice but there’s so many things fundamentally wrong with the adaptation that it’s really not enough anymore. The show needs the “out of character tag” because Jesus Christ they’re such watered down versions of the book it’s pretty insulting as a reader. Anyways thank you for answering asks about this stuff because it’s nice to see people looking at it with a critical eye instead of “Freddy Carter hot”

Okay a disclaimer: I think the article is wrong on quite a few accounts, and casting Danielle is one of them. Leigh Bardugo said she never specified Nina's size beyond "fat" because she wanted all large girls to relate to her, which means saying "Nina is canonically stated as plus-sized and can only be played by a plus-sized actress" is wrong. Also, calling s1 Danielle "skinny" simply because she isn't plus-sized is shitty and reductive of body diversity. At the moment of her casting, Danielle WAS accurate for Nina, because she was fat (on the smaller end of fat, but absolutely NOT skinny or medium). Danielle has gone on record to explain how badly it hurt to be rejected for her size in the industry, and then finally land a role only to have fans claim her body is wrong once again, and I am totally convinced that's a part of why she lost so much weight in the past 3 years. Kaz' casting is the same: Kaz gets up to so much inappropriate things that he says his disability got way worse after the events of the books, and putting a disabled actor through long filming days of an action show just doesn't sound viable to me. CGI and body doubles for every other scene aren't cheap, and also mean the character will NOT be played by the disabled actor most of the time, so we're back to square 1. Yes, disabled characters can be played by disabled actors, but maybe Kaz Brekker is not the best example of that. Jesper's casting, however, is absolutely unacceptable (especially when you take into account that Netflix does this all the time) and I still can't believe people just forgot about it. Same for Inej. I liked the paragraph in the article that pointed out how the show is only interested in scoring as many diversity points as possible, as quickly as possible, without making sure their tokens are treated as well written characters. It explained so well why Wesper was written the way it was. Ugh. Tokenism.

And no problem ahah, I totally get that people need to vent and finding fellow SaB haters is difficult. Maybe my freedom of thought is caused by the fact that Freddy Carter isn't hot to me. Guess we'll never know

[toomanywordsnllines]

Can i go a little crazy, a little insane, complelty funcking unhinged? But the song Hostage (by Billie Eilish) is such a Ghost/Soap song

Like especially from Ghost’s POV. I might go on an insane ramble, please stay on hold...

I wanna be alone Alone with you, does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul And hide you in my treasure chest

The first two sentences? already fucking gut punched me. Because first of all... loving someone so much that you want to share something that can be so sacred as alone time? Wanting to be alone with someone is something so... intimate... And that’s- that’s Ghost. He’s this being that preserves his alone time, because for him it’s fleeting and short. But for Soap? he wouldn’t mind losing it.

But it’s not really losing it, it’s sharing it, it’s giving him an opening to come in. See what’s inside. Share. It’s the though of Ghost loving Soap so much that he just wants to share everything, every moment with him. And then on the next two verses we have a part of Ghost that is a little more selfish no? Yes he wants to share evrything with Soap, but only Soap. He wants Johnny for himself and no one else. And i don’t think it’s in the possessive/obessive concerning way. But more in the way of a sad man that never had anything for himself... and for the first time in his life he has. So he wants to keep him-- his soul, the essence of his being-- safe, locked inside where Simon keeps his most precious things

(Can you see i’m slowly decending into madness)

I don't know what to do To do with your kiss on my neck I don't know what feels true But this feels right so stay a sec Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec

But then we have this feeling of loss, confusion and even apprehension. (persoanlly those are the feelings I’m getting the most from the first three verses)

Loss, because Ghost never had anything like this. So he fumbles and he messes up. He doesn’t know what to do with himself and with his hands.

Confusion, because he never had anyone get this close. So things as intimate as a kiss on the neck? A part so vulnerable for the human being being treated so gently?

Lead him right to apprehension and leaves him feeling untetered.

Questioning if this is true, or if it’s just another fruit of his imagination once again. Ready for the other shoe to drop. But, the reality is... he doesn’t need to know if it’s true if it’s real.

Soap is so careful with him. Treats him like a person.

So then we get to the last two verses of the stanza. Does Ghost know what he want’s? No he doesn’t. He tells himself this isn’t it But then his mind says yes. So he tries once. And then he tries again and yeah, this is it and he ask a second time.

And let me crawl inside your veins I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain It's not like me to be so mean You're all I wanted Just let me hold you like a hostage

And now to the stanza that made me start this whole thing

And let me crawl inside your veins I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain THIS TWO VERSES, YOU’RE HONOR ARE THE CAUSE OF THIS INSANITY!

I am a big sucker for when people describe Ghost’s love for Soap as this primitive need to merge with him, dig a whole right besides his heart and live there, content just by the presence of Johnny. To just become one. TO CRAWL INSIDE HIS VEINS.

And the second verse ties so nicely to Soap’s character. (it makes me feel unhinged)

Ghost is striping himself bare, showing all his insecurities showing who Simon is.

And the final step is to give trust. And it’s hard and it’s not something that he can give. He won’t. He shouldn’t. He can’t.

So he builds a wall.

And Soap being the demolition expert that he is demolishes it like it’s nothing.

No need for explosions just simple brute force is enough. Because that’s all you need to reach Simon Riley. Brute force. Because with it come care and resiliance to know more and see everything. But with push comes pull and so. Ghost is mean as a ways to protect Simon. Because Simon wants Johnny so badly. He’s everything he’s ever wanted. But having him is selfish. Simon tell’s himself that having Soap for himself would not be so diferent than holding someone hostage. In place against their will. It’s Selfish so he retreats. And where does that lead him?

Gold on your fingertips Fingertips against my cheek Gold leaf across your lips Kiss me until I can't speak

Well if this was a fanfic and not my descendence into madness I would say that it would lead to a conversation.

One where, between the before and after of Simon’s retreat, Soap does not relent in his affection. He doubles down, even.

And with that conversation comes the truth that... Ghost cannot be what he was once before.

And God with the most understanding and softest smile Soap says that it’s alrights

It’s alright.

Because Soap doesn’t need the Simon Riley before the Ghost, that’s not the man he’s met. Not the man he knows. He wants the Simon of now and, if... with his help... Ghost let’s him pull the pieces back together gently. Not fixing but creating something new, but perhaps more beautiful than before (Kintsugi).

Soap’s not here to fix, they’re both broken man. And it hurts Simon to know that he’ll never be able to give Soap what he truly wants. But unkowingly (for Simon only) Soap’s gold spread to him, through him, out and back to Johnny. Helping piece each other back together. So...Since Simon doesn’t know... he asks Johnny to kiss him harder. More. Until his mind can’t think and he can’t speak because this way maybe Simon can share something too. It’s acceptence.

Gold chain beneath your shirt The shirt that you let me wear home Gold's fake and real love hurts And nothing hurts when I'm alone When you're with me and we're alone

It’s acceptence and so when they have a break from all the war and the nightmares that is their job. They orbit each other and they spend what little time they have together. One inviting the other. Sharing what little they have... sharing a Home. Life is torbulent as ever. In the domesticy of it all Ghost starts to doubt himself again. And so he retreats.

Things get rocky. Ghost tries to cut himself from Soap.

He never doubts Johnny. Not now not ever. But he doubts once again if this, whatever they are, is truly worth it. Especially for Johnny. If what’s gluing him together is solely Johnny, what’s stoping him from falling apart after he’s gone. He’s almost proved right when he almost does. And from experience he knows how hurtful love is. But after having Johnny for so long. Sharing what little life he had with him. After all... that. It hurts. He can’t be alone anymore without thinking about Soap. Because Alone stopped meaning by himself and started meaning by themselves. It’s truly only... after you (almost) lose something, that you realise that you really need it, huh.

And let me crawl inside your veins I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain It's not like me to be so mean You're all I wanted Just let me hold you Hold you like a hostage Like a hostage

And while i talked alot about how this whole song is all through Ghost’s POV, this last stanza, gives me a little bit of the feeling that it’s both of them talking. Johnny also had to let a lot of his walls down to let Simon in. He also gave him the knife and the butter (I don’t know how the saying goes)

So

Simon apologizes

And asks for one more chance.

He gives it another try. Willingly. He’s tired of letting Johnny do everything. He’s already gotten closer. Broken his walls and touched him. Marked him for life. Claimed him as his.

So with stubborn determination Simon finally starts to accept this feeling with minimal guilt. He let’s Johnny hold him. Let’s him tangle himself how he wants. Let’s him get closer and closer.

He apologizes when he flinches and sometimes lashes out.

But Simon doesn’t berate himself for the intesity that he wants to love.

Soap-- Johhny. Is all Simon has ever wanted

So he accept him and he holds him closer, like he wanted to those many times.

And perhaps Johnny’s not been the hostage this whole time.

But Simon.

Ramble finished... beware my insanity I never went this hard on an analisys for a freaking pairing (just for you too see how fucking insane they actually make me) But here you go! Hope you enjoyed my maniac rambling

[shrimplymoray]

TENA TENA TENA TENA can u write an eri x cody drabble where cody smiles at eri genuinely for the first time (and maybe praises her a lil) EHEHEHEHE thank you 🤭🥹🥹🫶🫶🫶🫶

ERIIIIIIII HIHIIIIII!!!!!!! 💜💜💜

Yes yes yes yes I will write them being cute and fluffy and everything, they are my entire world I love them I will kiss them on the forehead goodnight and bring cookies to them.

Genuine - Eri x Cody

The day started as noisy as ever on the manor. Creeps walking from side to side, doing their businesses. But a certain someone gets her spotlight in between them, with her very pink and girlie clothes, which if you squint hard enough and maybe close one it would sorta resemble what it should be: lab clothes. Eri made her way, with a pile of papers, to her "oh so lovely" Sir Cody. Her gas mask having a pink undertone and cute heart filters around her face, and her goggles being very impractical with their heart shape but when does she actually uses it? It destroys her makeup, damn it! She entered quickly the lab, receiving a groan of annoyance in return

"So sorry Sir Cody for getting late, I didn't remember if it was pink bow day, or white bow day, oopsies!" She did her apologies, but with a way too cheerful tone for Cody's liking.

"Did you at least bring the right papers this time around?"

"Yes they are right here!"

She run to the big office table that Cody did his reports, but misplaced her foot and fell, getting the papers all around

"Uhm... Teehee, I'll guess I'll have to clean up" she put her index finger on her cheek, giving a very... Anime girl style apologetic smile.

"Ugh... I hate my job sometimes... At least I can perform my test on you without you squirming around."

Eri was quick to pick the papers... To the best of her abilities, with acrilic nails so long, it was difficult, but she managed in the end.

Cody, though, was not on his best today. Maybe that helped worse his annoyance. He had a mad headache from overworking, and is now working solely on caffeine to function. Due to Eri's shenanigans, he had to rework his reports twice now, and he is getting tires pretty fast of her bullshit.

"Sir Cody Sir Cody!! The papers on your table! Do you want something to eat? Some water maybe? Or maybe you could use a nap?"

He... Didn't want to admit, but he really needed to sleep... After his reports, that is. His sleep deprivation started to make him have weird thoughts, for him at least. He never noticed how the pink Bimbo always tried to make him take more care of himself. Sure, EJ did that too before, and Toby tried, but it didn't have as much effect as her insistent way of doing it. He may be treating her a bit too badly, recently. It's not exactly HER fault she is a dumbass who doesn't know anything remotely related to how to act inside a lab, maybe she was homeschooled? Anyway, he maybe... Maybe should try being nice to her for once.

"Hey, Eri..."

"Yes Sir Cody, right at your way!!" She exclaimed with a big smile.

"no need to. Just... Thank you for taking care of me when I don't do it." He took his gas mask off, turning to look at her with a soft smile. Eri thought her heart would explode from that, and she, for the first time, was lost for words.

He... Never smiled at her. I mean, not like this at least... His sweet smile is so precious to her that she thought she would start crying.

"And... And I guess you are not so bad... You can actually be entertaining when you aren't a human hazard."

Tears were streaming down Eri's face after the closest to a praise he has ever given her. She run after him, to hug him, and she did reach him, but she hit her head on his microscope, which was way too tall for her.

"Mr Codyyy... I am the happiest girl on earth and moon and stars for being with you! Thank you so much for never pushing me away!" His sweet smile turned into a deadpanned face. That is literally all he does to her, everytime. But he noticed her head was with a cut from the sharp edge, and her forehead was bleading.

"Sure... Now go WALKING and sit on your chair so I can clean the blood"

"What blood?"

He groaned just like when she first came into the lab. It was gonna be a looooooong day...

I got a bit carried away with dialogue, you know I love then just... So much... They are just the silly little goobers. The yippies.

Hope you enjoy it!!

[kingcunny]

EIHF Anon again!

Things that make me absolutely feral:

1) Viserys did not give one single fuck about Rhaenyra throwing her coochie around in a brothel until Daemon's name got tossed in there. His brother and his daughter are cheating on him with EACH OTHER.

2) That very quick shot of Viserys and Rhaenyra in the carriage on the way to Driftmark. His eyes look so sad, and it looks like he wants to say something to her. But her entire body is turned away from him, and she's practically breaking her neck to look outside.

3) Milly!Rhaenyra is never in the room when he defends her claim to other people!! When he promised her he would not supplant her, it was in private, and his oath came attached to a "I did waiver at one time." That must have gutted her. Even if he did promise to keep her heir, he told her the doubt was there. The doubt was real. Her worst fear, at least at some point in time, was very real. And I can't help but think that Viserys did that on purpose to keep her forever off-balance. And the way he just stands there with his hand on the back of her chair as she's walking away. His arms are around her, but it's not an embrace.

my love... youve returned <3

YES LMAO??!! like he was fully in 'good for her' 'shes a chip off the old block 😌' mode UNTIL daemons name gets mentioned. then his position as 'the most important person' in his brother and daughters life gets threatened. and he lashes out at otto for just being the messenger, cause how DARE he suggest that theyre cheating on him. its that thing rhaenyra says to him how she could 'father a dozen bastards and no one in his court would care' like viserys himself wouldnt (and doesnt!) care if shes having bastards, as long as shes coming home to him. rhaenyra isnt going to fall in love with a whore... but daemon... that is a threat

y'think he feels a little bad. almost regrets what hes doing to her. for going back on what he said about letting her pick someone that 'pleases her'. but not bad enough to not do it. he Does need a political band aid for the velaryons, and this way he can resolve that, keep her tied to himself AND 'safe' from daemon in one move. rhaenyra cant even stand to look at him in that moment. i cant remember where i was talking about it before but something about how rhaenyra cant ever be mad at viserys directly. she has to compartmentalize her feelings about him. she cant fight him about this marriage, she cant even allow herself to be angry at him about it. so she has to just. remove herself from the situation.

this is something that actually bothered me a bit in hotd vs fb, but in terms of the interpersonal emotional incest relationship, was fantastic. (although i Guess that just because viserys advisors knew not to question his decision doesnt mean rhaenyra did…?) viserys cant let rhaenyra get *too* comfortable in her position as his heir, cause then she would stop trying to impress him. she would start living for herself and leave him behind, in his mind. viserys couldnt handle that. he couldnt handle 'losing' her. something i read once about how dogs you beat half the time and are sweet to the other half are more 'loyal' than dogs that are wholly treated badly/nice, as they cant predict your moods so they try harder to please you. thats what viserys does to rhaenyra. telling her he wavered once, well whats rhaenyra supposed to think but that he might waver again? her worst fears came true once, and she didnt even know about it. she better be on her 'best behavior' to ensure it doesnt happen again. to keep close to viserys and do whatever it is she thinks he wants so that he doesnt doubt her again.

"His arms are around her, but it's not an embrace." i am gnawing my leg off (affectionate)

[electricbluebutterflies]

new perspective

An anon on @hellcheer-prompts wanted forced-proximity fic so here we are / I'm starting 2023 as I mean to go on. Roughly January 1986, pre-relationship, PG-ish and also on ao3.

Chrissy isn’t sure why she decides to take the elevator. Normally the stampede between classes is a comfort, closest thing to invisibility she gets, but today that’s not what she wants. To be genuinely alone for a few moments, on the other hand, even as she has some severe doubts about maintenance…

Except that she isn’t alone. She isn’t the only body waiting for the doors to open. At least it’s not someone in her usual circles, she tells herself. At least she can’t imagine someone on the opposite end of the social spectrum will even try to talk to her.

Chrissy is a nice girl, which is to say that Chrissy is a certain kind of delicately paranoid around most boys, but something about the circumstances feels like a safe exception as she steps into the elevator. She knows Eddie by reputation in the same way the entire school does, and if someone with that dramatic of a public personality were unsafe to be alone with… she’d know, everyone would know. And there have been no such rumors. Authority issues, yes; discrete but known peddler of various substances, yes; nothing dangerous. Nothing that makes her think that the next twenty seconds of her little life will be problematic. Nothing-

Five seconds after the elevator doors close, and yes she is counting, there’s an unpleasant lurch and then they stop moving altogether and the lights go out.

Well. This is now an entirely different situation. Chrissy runs the odds again – mechanical failure is plausible, everyone knows this was due to happen sooner or later, it’ll be okay, she’ll be okay, she drops to the floor and curls herself into a little ball because of course this had to happen in January and her short skirt isn’t warm, it’ll be okay, she’ll be-

A sudden bright light snaps her out of a panic, and she blinks a few times before processing that her companion apparently carries a flashlight for emergencies.

“Thank you,” she says, because she’s polite, because she’s going to owe him for this somehow, because-

“I did not think I’d be the lucky bastard who finally got stuck in this badly installed tin can,” he says, and it’s all too clear he doesn’t know how to have one-on-one interactions like a normal person and something about that makes her sad. “But here we are. I… I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Chrissy says too quickly.

“C’mon. Our perfect queen doesn’t understand the power of rumors? We’re stuck here. Probably for hours unless this thing magically turns itself on again, which I would not put money on right now. Lots of things could happen between two people in the dark.”

She is already in the opposite corner, already curled up, but she still tries to make herself smaller. “I’m not-“

“I know. I wouldn’t. Bad form. But you think anyone else believes that? You think either of us survive this intact?”

She looks up at him for a moment and it’s a new perspective. There is something protective in him, buried under the hand gestures and the jacket that at least looks weather-appropriate, something good and kind and underestimated. This might be the first time anyone’s treated her like a person in years, not just an object or an accessory, and she doesn’t know what to do with that and she’s overwhelmed and-

“No. And it ends up worse for me.”

“Bingo. So. I am deeply, deeply sorry.”

“I’m not. I… I’m happy I’m not alone, at least.”

He decides this is the right moment to get down to her level, finally sitting on the metal floor, still rummaging through his backpack for who-knows-what but not quite as intimidating anymore. “Me too,” he shrugs. “I don’t do alone very well.”

“Me neither. And you have that flashlight, I didn’t-“

“You like it?” He tosses it to her and she catches it easily. “Yours. You probably need it more than I do.”

“This isn’t a normal afternoon for me.”

“It’s not a normal afternoon for anybody, hopefully.”

“I… I owe you.”

“We can fix that real quick. Any chance you have a spare hair tie on you?”

Chrissy has several on her wrist, in fact, and she sets the flashlight down on the floor and crawls across the space to offer them. “Pick a color.”

She’s not good about touch, but it feels alright to have a new hand on her skin, and she’s thankful that Eddie picks the lowest one. “I don’t usually put my hair up, but…”

“Do you want me to do it?” Can’t be that different than helping the other cheerleaders, she tells herself, it’s just a boy not a space alien, it’s-

“If you’re offering, sure.”

“Turn around so I can.”

They maneuver their bodies fluidly – there are a great range of reasons Eddie does not play any sports, she suspects, but his physical form is not among them and she’ll hate herself for that thought later – and there is something comforting about this act of proximity, about getting her hands in his mess of hair and trying to make it… not exactly pretty, she suspects he’d hate that word, but at least workable. Out of his way, for the moment. It shouldn’t take so long to do a simple ponytail, but she’s trying not to hurt him and she suspects he’s not used to caution, guess neither of them are, and-

“There. Done.”

“Thanks. Now I owe you a favor sometime.”

“You really don’t.”

“Sure I do. Something equivalent and protective.”

“I don’t think I’m the one who’s going to need protection when we get out of here,” she murmurs. Their positions shift again and it feels right to sit next to him, to lean her head on his shoulder, innocent and safe for now. “The rumors are not going to be pretty.”

“Might be in my favor,” he laughs. “Could do worse for my reputation than seduce a cheerleader.”

“Some other cheerleader, maybe. Not me. Anyone believes this went anywhere, we’re looking at a summer wedding.”

It takes him a moment to process her implications, and instead of recoiling he takes her hand in the space between their bodies. “Shit. Your family’s that bad?”

“Far as my mother knows, I haven’t even kissed with tongue. And I would like to maintain that belief.”

“Well. In that case we can rely on your high standards and existent boyfriend to save us.”

“Jason won’t defend me if there are any questions.” She’s quiet for a moment as she realizes the opportunity she has, perhaps the only chance she’ll get for a while to be this open about how she feels. “It’s not… love. Just what’s expected.”

“See, you do need protecting. And somebody who actually cares about you, for starters.”

She would not be surprised if there’s a hidden crush on the edge of being revealed, she thinks, but… now is not the time, and she doesn’t trust her judgment if it happened, and it may always be better to leave things unsaid. “Thank you. We’ll get through.”

“Princess and the dragon stuck in a broken elevator,” Eddie murmurs, at least sensing a need to detour from sensitive topics. “What a day.”

“You’re not a dragon. You’re kind.”

“Make sure you say that when whatever suit has to deal with us can hear you,” he laughs. “Nobody in the administration has ever heard that word applied to me, I don’t think.”

“Then they haven’t been listening.”

They leave the conversation where it is, no need to complicate themselves further, and… at some point, somehow, Chrissy falls asleep. There’s nothing else to do, and that is enough justification for her body to take a catnap.

She wakes up to more lurching followed by a slow descent, accompanied by the return of bright lights overhead, and she does not have time to distance herself from her companion before the doors finally open on the main floor of the school. All she can do is tilt her head up at the vice-principal, the school nurse, a maintenance worker, and a few first-responder types she can’t pin down beyond something-in-uniform. There are others in the background, teachers and students, the mundane human background noise of Chrissy’s life, and right now she doesn’t care who sees what.

“Well,” the vice-principal says. “What a pair. I’ll make sure both of your absences are… explained.”

“No one got hurt,” Chrissy says, because she’s the one they’ll listen to, because she’s tiny and cute and respectable and self-aware enough to leverage that when she has to. “We’re okay.”

With that, she disentangles herself, grabs the flashlight – never turn down a gift, even such an odd one – and walks off. She’s had enough for the day, and so help her she is not going to be the victim on anyone’s paperwork.

(A few days later, a new package of scrunchies somehow ends up in her locker. No note, but a dice with an unusual number of sides slipped between them is enough of an explanation.)

(A few months later, when Chrissy decides she’s had enough of the dead-weight boyfriend, she is unsurprised when her social opposite is the first to congratulate her. There’s no need to address any prior knowledge that may be involved. Some people just know.)

[trees-and-a-blue-sky]

sayuri in hq rambles for the evening. got longer than i expected. is also a little more romantic sounding than i had meant it to be but here goes lmao.

--

There was a group of first year girls in a crowd in the middle of the hallway. The way they were giggling and blushing could only mean one thing: Sayuri’s headache was going to get even worse than it had been this morning when she woke up.

“Get out of the way,” she said loudly and when nobody moved and the giggling increased she started pushing people “Let me through.” She looked to the source of the disturbance, a tall, brown haired annoyance in her every waking moment. “Can’t you take your fanclub somewhere else? So people who want to get to class can do it?”

Tooru looked down at her, always with this half condescending smile that she had to resist to punch each time she saw it. “Oh, Sayuri-chan,” he cooed, with this voice of his that made her want to chew glass instead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t notice you there.”

“Just get out of the way, idiot!” She pushed another girl to the side, maybe a little harder than necessary and garnered some angry looks from the crowd. 

Sayuri elbowed her way through the last of them. “She is always so aggressive to Oikawa-san,” one of the girls whispered to her friend, to which the other replied: “That’s why she isn’t popular”, but Sayuri paid them no mind. People who actively liked Oikawa Tooru couldn’t be friends with her anyway.

_

There was nothing worse than penalty training. Sayuri liked running, she liked tactics, she liked giving the attack the perfect pass for a goal, but she didn’t like standing at a white point in the grass, staring at the wide goal and the pressure to score penalties brought with them. It made her nervous and in the last tournament she had missed one. But on top of all that was bad and terrible, the girls lined up behind her were talking about Tooru, again.

Apparently they had been watching a training session of the volleyball team earlier, before practice. They were now considering going to one of the matches so they could cheer for him. It was always the same nonsense, ever since they had been in pre-school together. Oikawa Tooru was handsome, he was at least faking nice-ness and he was a passable enough athlete so that the school hailed him a hero. Well, if he would play a real difficult sport to play and not the wishy-washy sport that was Volleyball, maybe Sayuri would respect him more, but as it stood he was nothing but wasted space and breath.

“I have never seen anyone serve like him.” 

Sayuri’s face frowned in disgust.

“Yes, yes, he must be the best in the country!”

Her hand cramped up in silent anger as she prepared to make her shot.

“Incredible, how good he is.”

She ran backwards and hit the ball with the front of her foot, sending it sailing far past the goal posts. Her teammates cheered and laughed as they always did when one of them failed a shot so badly. Sayuri could feel her cheeks warm in embarrassment. Now Tooru was even invading her training.

“You shouldn’t talk about Oikawa-san in front of Sayuri, she will be unable to function normally,” their team captain Tsunematsu Saya told the girls that had been gossiping. 

One of them whispered to Saya: “Does Uchiha-senpai hate Oikawa-san so much? He is always so friendly!”

Sayuri stepped to them. “Actually, I don’t know why you all like him so much honestly.” She threw her braid over her shoulder. “I’ve heard he is a total idiot when it comes to relationships. Doesn’t know how to treat a woman to save his life. Cheats a lot too. Just overall scum. And I would know, I’ve been in a class with him since I was five.”

The girl's eyes went wide, but Saya intercepted: “She- she is just joking.”

“Am I?” Sayuri rolled her eyes.

-

“Sayuri-chan~” Tooru always drew her name out in this incredibly annoying way and so Sayuri decided to ignore him and focus on finishing the homework she had forgotten for the next lesson.

Of course that didn’t stop him from taking a chair, turning it and sitting down in front of her, this fake smile on his face again. “Sayuri-chan, it was not very nice of you to tell the girls of the football team things about me that aren’t true.” He took the pen out of her hand and forced her eyes up to look at his. “People might start believing it.”

This was what this intrusion was about? She put her head to the side: “So people started spreading it?” Then she laughed, a full belly hearted laugh. “That's hilarious, I’m glad it does.”

“It’s unfair of you, Sayuri-chan! I asked someone out and now she doesn’t want to go with me.” 

She kept laughing, she could just not take him seriously when he talked in that baby voice. “Sucks for you, Tooru, try next.” Sayuri took the pen from him again and proceeded to pay his further complaints no mind. Eventually Iwazumi came over to collect him.

-

Saya wanted to discuss strategy and Sayuri loved nothing more. They were both sitting in the school yard and scribbling into their notebooks, while from the gym the sound of balls being tossed could be heard. The volleyball team needed the gym so often nowadays that the basketball club was annoyed, but now that Tooru was captain he always got his way. Another point for the endless list of what sucked about him.

Sayuri followed this group of girls as they made their way across to the gym clutching their school bags and giggling. It was just the same group of fangirls again. For the life of her Sayuri could not understand why people were so enamoured with this guy, someone who by no means was a good man, or a good looking man, or a nice man or a man at all. He was more like three little slim guys in a volleyball jersey. 

The girls went on their tip toes so they could look through the windows of the gym. “Hey, they are doing closed practise,” Sayuri yelled over and Saya, who had still been deep in her tactics analysis, jumped at the sudden noise. 

One of the fangirls, a blonde girl from 1-B that Sayuri recognised from the hallways, led the pack of them over to where Sayuri and Saya were sitting.

“I always thought it was weird that you didn’t like Oikawa-san when he is such a gentle soul-” Sayuri made a choking nose and acted as if she was throwing up. “- but now it makes perfect sense.”

Sayuri stopped pretending to throw up. “Huh?” she asked, confused.

“Oikawa-san has told us that you treat him this way because you have a crush on him. Because you are jealous that he is not hanging out with you as much as you did when you were children,” the girl elaborated. “You lash out, because you want him to pay attention to only you, I understand that very well.”

Sayuri exchanged a look with Saya.

“He said what?”

-

“That is a bold faced lie!”

“Just admit it, it won’t hurt you.” Tooru tossed a ball into the air and caught it again, while Sayuri tried to keep up with his much larger footsteps than hers.

She was so angry she felt she could throw him out of the window here and now if it wouldn’t for sure land her in jail. “I never had a crush on you and you know that.”

“Absolutely you did, when we were children.” He stopped so he could face her directly, which forced her to run front faced into his shoulder. “You always brought me little bugs to look at that you found, remember.”

Sayuri gestured wildly: “That was Iwazumi.” She pointed at the boy. “I don’t even LIKE bugs.”

“Hey bugs are very interesting!” Iwazumi said from behind them. “Besides, I don’t want you guys to pull me into your little turf war.”

Tooru whistled a little and shrugged: “Must have mixed up the people who had a childhood crush on me.” Then his eyes darkened: “Sucks for you Sayuri-chan that people can easily spread things that are not true.

“You little shit, I will pay you back.”  Sayuri stormed off.

-

Unfortunately, coming up with a revenge plot was infinitely harder now that everyone thought Sayuri was just a spiteful jealous lover who wanted the oh-so perfect Oikawa all for herself. No matter how much she insisted that he was nothing to her but a thorn in her side that she wanted to lose, the people kept insisting that there was no need for her to hide her feelings.

She wanted to strangle him each time she saw him in class, rip his hair out and hang him up for all to see. Look at your little prince, he is nothing but a tall boy who can’t even win a damn game of volleyball to save his life. 

Where had it all gone so wrong? Why had she chosen this school after she had chosen the other middle school and the first elementary school? Yes they were all close to each other and close to where she lived, but what was the point of going to every school that Oikawa Tooru also went to? If only she had known what trouble this would cause her year after year, maybe she would have decided to go to another part of town, even if that meant taking the bus in the morning.

Instead she was forced to look at his stupid face every morning and dispel these nasty rumours he had made up about her. What bothered her the most was that he must have been aware that it would be much harder for her to clarify the misunderstanding, much harder than for him at least, because nobody liked her in the first place, at least not like they liked him. What she had lied about him wasn’t even as bad in comparison, as far as she knew he was already happily dating again, while Sayuri still couldn’t convince people to believe her.

Her anger culminated in an afternoon in the school year where she was hounded by a group of girls that really wanted to know how Tooru had been like as a kid, back when Sayuri had “fallen in love with him.” She had already told them that she had never, wasn’t and would never be in any kind of relationship with him, but they brushed it off with a “Sayuri-senpai, you don’t need to be shy” as if that was the issue, when Tooru stepped from the school entrance into the yard.

Sayuri let go of the ball she was holding and stopped it with her left foot, while the girls who had been pestering her were swarming to annoy Tooru instead. Her eyes were focused on the stupid smug face he was carrying when he looked at her and how his eyes softened and his smile became more fake as soon as he saw the other girls approaching. 

She dug her toes under the ball and lifted it up as if she was going to hit it with her knee. Instead of that though, she cleanly put it onto the inner part of her left foot, her strongest and most accurate scoring position. She kicked, with all the rage and anger and frustration and embarrassment that the last couple of days - years - had brought her. She did not move her eyes from Tooru’s face for any second of it.

The ball flew fast and crashed hard. The crack was so loud that someone later claimed that half the city must have heard it. And there was so much blood.

-

“She aimed for the wall behind me.” Tooru’s voice sounded muffled with the paper he was pressing against his still bleeding nose. “I just happened to walk out into the direction of the ball.”

The teacher raised his brows: “Is this really what happened?”

“Yes, I just didn’t look where I was going.” There was the fake laughter again. “Uchiha-san is a very accurate shot, I should have been careful from the start.”

Apparently the teacher had as hard of a time as Sayuri had believing that Tooru was willfully covering for her, so he said again: “I know you two fight a lot in hallways and such. Are you sure, Oikawa-kun, that you don’t think it was retaliation? You do not need to protect her.”

“I’m very sure,” Tooru looked over to Sayuri with a smile that seemed almost genuine. “After all, Uchiha-san and I have always been great friends. We just like teasing. Right?”

There was still so much blood running out of his nose. If it wouldn’t stop soon they might need to call an ambulance, Sayuri thought. “Right,” she said and averted her face from his. “I aimed for the wall as he said.”

Their teacher sighed deeply. “Well then, Uchiha-kun, from now on don’t kick balls in the schoolyard anymore. Keep that for the field.”

-

They sat side by side at the school gates waiting for the ambulance to come.

“I would have probably been suspended,” Sayuri said after a long period of neither of them speaking. 

Tooru still couldn’t speak well, blood continuously running out of his nose no matter how many pieces of paper he pressed against it. It was now obvious that Sayuri had broken it, and though she had wished and hoped for this several times, she still felt bad now that it had happened.

“Yes, quite likely,” Tooru replied. “But you didn’t.”

“You didn’t have to cover for me, you know,” she said, now waving energetically again. “You are in pain because of me and have to go to the hospital because of me and it’s my fault that you are missing practice.”

Tooru laughed and it was a real laugh, which seemed rare nowadays. “There are more important things than volleyball practice.”

“Are there?” 

“Well, no,” he laughed again. “But there is nothing that can be done about that now.”

She leaned her head against the entrance stone. “You could have just told the truth, I mean I’m sure you want me to be suspended after all I’ve said about you.”

“You know, I don’t know what happened between our childhood and now, if it was elementary, middle or highschool that made you despise me so much you would be willing to break my nose for it,” Tooru looked at her, “Just know that I never hated you.” 

Sayuri had no opportunity to say something in return, because in that exact moment the ambulance turned the corner.

-

She felt bad, when she was in detention.

She felt bad when she came home late and skipped dinner.

She felt bad when she was in the bathtub trying to unwind.

And she felt bad when she was lying awake in the darkest of night, unable to find any sleep.

Not that Sayuri had been close friends with Tooru when they were in pre-school, but they had sort of stuck together since they lived in the neighbourhood, so it wasn’t like his question was too out there. When had she started getting annoyed by his presence so much?

-

“T… Tooru…” 

The group of girls that was surrounding him as always turned around when Sayuri spoke and one of them clearly whispered to her friend “That’s the jealous bitch who attacked him.” 

“Okay everyone~” he said in his fake friendly voice, “I want to speak to Sayuri-chan alone, please.” They walked off, but not without throwing an angry look at her in passing.

Sayuri took something out of her backpack, a paper bag with pastries. “I…., you know, nobody irritates me as much as you? Just everything about you is so contrary to what I like, your stupid smug smile, your mean streak, your fake laughter, the way you make friends so easily and effortlessly, it’s all just not in my nature.�� She held the bag in her hand tighter and crumpled the paper. “So I don’t think I can ever like you and I’m sorry for that. Here, I brought you some milk bread.” She pushed it over to him. “Everyone is always so annoying about the fact that you like them so much apparently.”

He blinked for a moment and said nothing so Sayuri quickly added: “If you don’t want it then I will eat it.”

“No, I want it,” he ripped it out of her hands. “I didn’t know you also liked it.”

“Of course, I do, it's delicious, who doesn’t?” She pouted.

Tooru took one of the pastries out and handed it to her. “Take this one then,” he said. “You can also be very irritating, you know. Let's make peace for now.”

BAffled she stared at the bread. “Uh- alright,” she said because she didn’t know what she was expected to say.

“Also please if you could, don’t bash my head in again with a football. My face will be ruined if my nose is broken more than twice.” He rubbed his finger over the nose bridge that was now bandaged up.

Sayuri threw her braid into her neck: “Well if you’d play a more demanding sport than volleyball you would possibly have the athletic ability to dodge it next time.”

[ankhisms]

ok hold on now that im thinking about it im gonna ramble some more about theater related things

disclaimer disclaimer despite feeling a bit awkward at times and nervous because everyone else has already been in other shows together and is friends with each other vs me not really knowing anyone everyone still has been nice and the director and stage manager are sweethearts and the lead actor is very cool and talented and its been a better experience than my last show and i certainly dont have any issues where people are being nasty to me like i did with my last production but ok the thing im thinking about is ok. im going to the opening night of this other play tonight right. because this is another play our theater company is putting on right. the way this theater works is that generally two plays are like kind of around the same time where one is being performed and the other one is still in the early to mid rehersal stages but its all the same theater company right and some of my castmates are in this show and we all get in free since we are actors and part of the company right and its good to support your castmates with their hard work on their other production its a lot of work to be doing two plays at once

and anyway there was this time where. ok one thing about me is i blend into the background when im offstage and it is very common for me to overhear things people dont necessarily mean for me to hear or want me to hear for better or for worse. so there was a time recently where i was offstage waiting for my time to go in and these two people start talking about this other play theyre in. and they just start absolutely trashing a girl whos in it with them who i realize is another castmate in the production im in and she just wasnt needed at rehersal that day so she wasnt there to hear them but the way they were talking about her was just so cruel and i moved away at one point because it just felt really gross and i had half a mind to speak up and say something but it was like at the time i didnt know who they were talking about so its not like i could be like hey dont talk badly about her or thinking its none of my business.

but it still bothers me specifically because these people were being so elitist and putting this girl down saying "oh shes trying so hard but shes just not good. she just isnt good!" and i think the director of that play is also kind of weird or making weird decisions but thats not the actors fault if the director is demanding they perform in a weird way. and it really just boiled down to these two people (who btw are twice the age of me and the other girl) were just like... asserting that theyre sooooo good and that theyre so skilled and know the play better and that if it were them theyd do it this way etc etc while just being so nasty and cruel to this poor girl who they admitted is very obviously trying her best and putting a lot of effort. frankly i am more impressed by and rooting for someone who may not have as much experience or skill but is putting a lot of effort and heart into their performance over someone whos got a lot of experience yes but is going to just treat their cast mates like shit like this lmao. i lost my train of thought but oh no wait there it is

its like a pet peeve of mine when people in theater think they know your role better than you do or know better than the director does and tries to like upstage you or says well i could do that role better or i wouldve done it this way. like ok but you arent doing the role. you arent the director. a theatrical production is supposed to be a group effort were all supposed to be working TOGETHER to tell a story and create an experience and get across a specific message and atmosphere to the audience and i hate how often people seem to forget that and want to be like WELL I COULD DO THAT BETTER and to be clear you may be thinking but kes you have said you could out act certain hollywood actors and thats diffwrent because im not a fucking cast mate of those rich and famous actors who barely are able to have a good meaningful deep performance because they got their roles through money and connections and being conventionally attracvtive. its different yknow.

and in the end it makes me sad. it just makes me sad to know that the issues that i have with the usa acting and theater industry are still within a smaller scale community theater. i genuinely think community art spaces are so incredibly important i wouldnt be alive if it hadnt been for community theater and its a disservice to be letting people be so fucking snobbish and elitist and cruel like yes i take our community theater productions seriously and we all put a lot of effort andnheart into it ajd ive seen some really moving and impactful amazing performances done by small community theater groups but also this is not fucking broadway you do not have to be so back stabbing and cruel and you dont have to act like you have some kind of heirarchy ladder to climb, both of these things can be true

also as a note for example like. i dont really agree with some of the acting choices the person im understudying for is making. but thats really just because we are very different people and every performer is going to do things differently! i dont think theyre a bad actor in any way and i can clearly see theyre putting a lot of thought and effort into their performance. and in the end even if i dont agree with how theyre doing it thats not my decision, its the directors decision for how she wants the character to come across so that the story can be cohesive. plus our director knows more about this play than any of us she literally did her thesis on it. but anyway what im saying is that you can not agree with your castmates acting choice while not being a fucking asshole about it

anyway whew thanks if you read this ramble lmao i just want theater to be a safer healthier kinder place and i care a lot about acting and theater. everyone be fucking nice for the love of god

[sincelastsession]

It all hurts so much

What in the world did I do by trying to tell my dad about my morning that would cause him to just scream fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you and all these other horrible things at me because I didn't catch an attitude I didn't say anything awful to him I didn't do anything to him

And then of course I have a reactive abuse response

And I'm angry and I think I'm angry for pretty fucking valid reasons I've thought about it

And none of this is okay to be happening to me

It's just not okay

It was never okay

Does my father not understand that I have autonomy

Does he not understand that I'm a 37-year-old woman with disabilities

He reads about my health problems but then if he knows about them then why does he still treat me badly

Why does he treat me in a way that makes those problems worse is it to torture me because he's doing a very good job at torturing me

I don't understand how someone can be nice 1 minute and then angry the next like that

And they take 0 accountability for it saying your story does not fix the problem if you say you're sorry constantly and you don't change your actions

Like I don't even know if I should believe anything he says anymore

I never wanted my late 30s to go like this I never wanted to be at odds with my father still as an adult

But I'm not going to just sit there and let someone treat me like shit

And I'm going to tell you that what you said was wrong

Your judgment about my father is incorrect

And yes I have said many mean things but you told me I was allowed to be mad you did you told me

And next I have a meeting with my mother and at this point I don't care if she goes first or if we go together I don't fucking care anymore because they're just going to continuously treat me like shit and push me down and just invalidate me and treat me like garbage and they always act like perfect little angels in therapy when I try so hard

I have been tried so hard I have been tried for years and years and years and I can't get away from them and I can't join them and so I'm still the family escape go and I get abused constantly by everybody

And then everybody thinks that I am the one that needs all the help well yeah I do but not in the sense that people think

They need to go get help why do I have to be the one in therapy it's never been my fucking fault

All the things that they have done to me were not my fault

It is okay for me to defend myself

It is not okay to treat a daughter that way I don't care how old they are

And he acts like I'm some sort of monster no the thing is he can dish it out but he can't take it

And he can't talk to me like your average person he talks to everybody else just fine but when it comes to me he talks to me like he wants to fucking kill me when no one else is around to hear It

He seems to just fucking hate women maybe he should just come out of the fucking closet already he's almost dead anyway

Or maybe he should just disappear and move to whatever country allows you to marry some sort of young Asian bride like all the libertarians do because that seems to be what he wants

It wants some young woman that he can manipulate to feel bad for him and and that's all he's ever acted like after my mom and him got divorced and he got more abusive towards me after they got divorced

He compares me to my mother constantly he talks badly about my mother to me he has fucked with my head and turned me against my mother before whereas my mother doesn't try to turn me against him she just says it like it is

No my mother I have lots of issues with my mother but there not anything like the crap my father pulls

They're both batshit insane and they both have different techniques of getting what they want

And my sister who is of 0 blood relation pulls the same sort of shit it's like a combo of both of them although she is her own person and she is engaged and she has an escape and I fucking don't

He says he cares about me and that he wants to move me so I get better and all this crap that doesn't mean anything to me because it's all lies and I won't believe it till it happens because he always does this he gets my hopes up and then he smashes them and he seems to take delight in treating me like shit

He seems to enjoy eliciting a reaction for me and yeah I probably shouldn't react at all

But I didn't react at all for a very long time and I just did what he said for a very long time and I was depressed and wanted to die for a very long time because of the abuse so I'm not going to lay down like a dog and take it anymore

I don't even know what sort of person I'm dealing with

I don't know what his diagnosis is I don't know if it's a real diagnosis or if it's just something he made up in his head because he loves to diagnose me as if he's a Doctor and if the Doctor doesn't agree with him or the therapist doesn't agree with them will there's a big stupid idiot and he's just so much smarter than trained professionals

And according to him all my diagnosis are bullshit and made up

I bring up my diagnosis to him to remind him because I assumed since he said he knew all about my disorders that me bringing it up would remind him but apparently he's just a fucking liar and has no clue what I go through and when I want to share about that or let him know what's going on he doesn't want to hear it he doesn't care I should go fuck myself

How do you communicate with someone that acts like they have early onset dementia and bipolar disorder that's like rapid

How the fuck do you communicate with somebody that won't get the help that they need for their mental issues

Because I can't call a health check I can't go talk to the coroner about him because I need his help so I can have a place to live which is the bane of my existence because it causes so much trouble and it feels like even if I didn't rely on him for help he would still treat me like shit and find something else to be mad at me about

And I don't understand why he has this horrible resentful grudge against me where he just has to fucking treat me like I'm awful

He pushes and he pushes and he pushes and he expects me to just comply and fit into the little cookie cutter mold that he has designed like I'm Frankenstein's monster like he's supposed to be in control of me

And when I make a suggestion or I tell him no or I put my foot down and give him a boundary he freaks out and he says that I'm trying to control him in a very paranoid manner

And when I tell you and everyone else that he is micromanaging me with the control factor I'm feeling like no one is believing me

Joshua I don't hate you I understand that maybe you misunderstood the situation I tried to give you a signal that he was absolutely full of shit that session

You focused on something I did and then made an assumption about the thing I did and I don't even remember the rest of the session at the moment because I probably Completely just associated after that. Like you told me that I shut down but I hadn't actually shut down I just went to say something then closed my mouth then shifted in my chair then I was going to move again but before I could move again and settle myself in the seat you made an assumption and pointed it out and said oh look at this look at this but you didn't see the smirk on my father's face did you

Did you see the enjoyment he got out of you telling me what I did wrong

He is a fucking monster half the time I can't talk to him because whatever diagnosis whatever symptoms are disorder or whatever the fuck is wrong with him is eating him alive and I just want my dad back but honestly he was never there to begin with because he's been abusing my mother and me and my sisfor as long as I can remember

How am I supposed to communicate with him and keep calm and get better and get a place to move that's quiet where I get some peace to continue working on myself and get even better how am I supposed to talk to him and get any of this done without A mediator of some form

Because I don't know what to do anymore I am at my wits end on how to speak to him and he doesn't understand anything I say

I try to talk to him calmly and he fixed that my voice is threatening and I don't hear how I sound

I can only hear what I hear internally and the inflection and the tone of voice that I think I'm using

And I can only hear what other people hear when I'm recorded

And I cannot magically change my tone or my voice to fit exactly what other people want

I have no idea what it is that everybody wants to make everybody fucking happy to make everybody stop fucking hurting me

[eldritchsurveys]

1182.

1. Did you wake up cranky? >> I didn't, which is a relief because I was prepared for my inability to sleep through the night to kick my ass again.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? >> I would not be interested in that.

3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? .

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? >> Sure.

5. Can you commit to one person? >> As in, can I be monogamous? No. Not interested.

6. How do you look right now? >> Absolutely fetching.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? >> Blue Stitch-patterned pajama pants, undershirt, Duff's hoodie. Literally the exact same thing I was wearing yesterday, when a different survey asked me the same question. 8. How often do you listen to music? >> At least one song daily.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? >> Joggers, more accurately. I don't usually wear sweatpants specifically.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014? . 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? >> If the question is "am I more prosocial or antisocial?" then the answer is "more prosocial overall, in actions, anyway". If the question is "am I more social or asocial?" then the answer is "more asocial overall".

12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? .

13. Are you good at hiding your feelings? >> Sure. I've had a lot of practice and a lot of instruction.

14. Can you drive a stick shift? >> I cannot. I also can't drive an automatic shift. 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? >> I do care. I want to be treated well and with compassion. Caring about this is the foundation of setting boundaries with myself -- when people do inevitably talk badly about me, I know that I want them to have as little access to me as possible.

16. Are you going out of town soon? >> Not until April, which is soon-ish, I suppose.

17. When was the last time you cried? >> Day before last.

18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? .

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? >> Sure, why not.

20. Name something you have to do tomorrow? >> I don't think I have any tasks I want to do tomorrow, specifically.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. >> The way the space heater vibrates against the floor is really getting under my skin today.

22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? .

23. Are you nice to everyone? >> I am not nice.

24. What are you sitting on right now? >> My bed.

25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? .

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? .

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? >> I didn't speak to anyone yesterday.

28. Do you get a lot of colds? >> I rarely get one.

29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? >> No. 30. Does anyone hate you? >> It's plausible.

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? . 32. Do you like watching scary movies? >> I love watching scary movies. It's the majority of what I watch.

33. Are you a jealous person? >> I can be insecure, which I guess is the foundation of jealousy, but I don't think my insecurity manifests quite that way.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? .

35. Did you have a dream last night? >> I'm sure I did.

36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? >> I mean, Can Calah. Not anyone outworld. 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? >> I assume so, but five years is plenty of time for seemingly-stable situations to go awry.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? >> That seems wild and impossible to me, but I am aware of how skewed my perception is, so *shrug*

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? >> See above.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? >> It was better than previous days, that's for sure.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? .

42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? >> It's pretty similar, except for the fact that I wasn't yet living here (that wouldn't happen until mid-March, I think).

43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? .

44. What’s the best part about school? . 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? >> Just the one.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? >> I did.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? >> Constantly. Rumination is a big problem for me.

48. Were you single over the last summer? .

49. What are you supposed to be doing right now? >> There is nothing pressing that needs doing. 50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? .