#like yes curate your experience but please just at least consider other people's feelings as well before just ghosting

[normaltothemax]

ok added a little something to my rules. basically it boils down to please communicate shit with me

if you need/want something tagged, if I've done something to upset you, if you're just not feeling it anymore, or literally anything else, please tell me. let's work things out like the adults that we are, even if it means we need to part ways in the end

[mishmash-webster]

WELCOME

she pinned on my intro til i post heya. feel free to read through my intro post... if you dare. you may wanna read my message/ask rules before interacting or sending an unsolicited ask/message (it's the section highlighted in green). have a swag day unless you bathe in bigotry, in which case i hope you bathe in different things in the near future because you smell horrible and no one likes you.

sorry this is so long this was the most i was able to condense it to (┬┬﹏┬┬)

❂ Greetings!

✦ I'm Blue da ba dee da ba dai, or at least that's my online name and the only one you really need to know.

✦ pronouns = they/he/ey/cos/it (primarily they/he).

✦ gender = transmasc enby, additional gender labels = genderfuck/genderpunk, androgyne, anarcho-queer.

✦ orientation = panromantic, demiromantic, grayace. i am not on tumblr to look for a romantic or sexual relationship. if you are, keep scrolling.

✦ im a minor, and dont feel comfortable stating my exact age.

✦ i consider myself punk and anti-capitalist.

this blog is my main and only blog, so all sorts of things go on it. some of the things you might find here include:

multifandom posting

shitposting

activism, politics, leftism

things that will radicalize you against your government

random rambling

my art maybe if im brave enough

my AU ideas, also if im brave enough

venting? maybe? (sometimes)

whatever random ass bullshit i want babey!!!!!!

if any of these things make you mad or uncomfortable, click away! its not worth it to type me an angry paragraph. if you want an honest non-hostile debate about personal belief systems, maybe, if i feel up for it, but the internet is a place to curate your own experiences and im already recovering from the mindset instilled from being constantly subjected to mentally draining content/discourse on other platforms (even in good faith) and i want this blog to not be like that. ultimately...

(ol' reliable)

❂ Additional info

❂ Tags legend (some tags i may still be going back and sorting through, apologies for that)

🐊.txt (random rambling, thought dumps. dont ask why its a gator)

#go fund them (donation campaigns (may not always be on the gofundme website, but just all donation campaigns in general). please look through this tag and consider donating if you have the time/resources)

#sick art, #godly art (other peoples' cool art, used interchangeably, one isnt inherently better than the other it's just based on vibes)

#vent post (my vent posts, please feel free to filter this tag, I may talk about heavy/personal subjects)

‼️Note: i may reblog posts with nsfw/suggestive content or subject matter (for example, medical diagrams of private parts for trans reasons, artistic nudity, etc), ship posts with suggestive allusions (almost always in a comedic way), or make/reblog suggestive jokes. if you dont wanna see that ill always try to tag with #nudity, #suggestive, #suggestive joke. (plsplspls tell me if i forget, or if theres anything else you’d like me to tag, id be happy to ✌️)

❂ Fandoms

some of these i havent consumed in their entirety, ill mark them with purple if so

Welcome to Hell, The Owl House, Ace Attorney, The Amazing Digital Circus, Amphibia, The Amazing World of Gumball, Beastars, Cherry Crush, I'm In Love With The Villainess, Ramshackle, Heartstopper, Deltarune, Undertale, Bluey, Mob Psycho 100, Calvin and Hobbes

stuff i wanna consume but havent gotten the chance to

Madoka Magica, Sonic franchise (games + movies), Garfield (yes the cat)

❂ Interaction preferences, DNI criteria

not to get all twitter about it but please dont interact with me if it's because of, or if you support/fit the description of, any of the following (if you dont wanna look through all this just ctrl + f search a keyword ig):

✘ NSFW-related anything. Hell no, i am a minor and you WILL be blocked and reported (unless youre just a mutual making a suggestive joke thats fine lmao, im referring to people with 0 life training sending unsolicited naked pics like fucking toddlers)

✘ Conservatives/right-wing/MAGA imbeciles, centrists, homophobes, transphobes, zionists, antisemites/islamophobes (real ones, not Palestine supporters), radqueers/radfems/TERFs, predators, pedos, forced birth supporters, anti-neopronouns, anti-therian, beastiality supporters, sexists of any caliber.

✘ pro-sh or pro-ed blogs. (i hope you get the help you deserve and stop dooming others to a lifelong struggle. please seek help.)

✘ Donation-related asks. (i'm sorry, but any blog that messages me asking for donations, i'm going to immediately assume is a bot/scam. assuming you're not, i care and empathize deeply with your struggle, but i have no job/source of income in an already relatively poor household, with parents who are not necessarily keen on supporting gofundmes (i've asked multiple times) and with the previously mentioned high scam risk i'm very hesitant to share if im not 100000% sure.‼️‼️if you need donation you're going to have a much, MUCH better chance of fast aid from these subreddits instead of only through word-of-mouth on a site like tumblr. i care about your situation and don't want you to receive little to no aid simply because you're asking in less-than-ideal places.‼️‼️ i will of course still spread awareness of any campaign possible (especially relative to Palestine and Sudan) but even so, im still only a small and unknown blog, and you're MUCH better off using the subreddits, asking a more popular blog dedicated to this sort of thing or both. if you or anyone you know in Palestine/Sudan/otherwise struggling, i care about your safety and i pray you and your family are safe and receive aid as soon as possible. 🍉🙏)

————————————

tell me if i should add anything!!

blinkie credit: blinkies.cafe

[recurring-polynya]

Hey! I hope this is alright to ask, but do you have a specific poet whose works you associate with RenRuki?

Boy, did you send this ask to the wrong person.

I am not a poetry person.

I mean, nothing against poetry, I am very happy for the poetry-enjoyers, there's a lot of good poetry in this world, but I can read at most 3 or 4 lines of poetry before my brain just shuts off. I have a good friend who is very into poetry and reads a lot of it, and I have tried, it's just not interesting to me. I know it cannot possibly be related to my auditory processing disorder, but it's roughly the same experience as listening to an audiobook or podcase-- of being aware that information is being directed at me, but being completely unable to ingest it without deliberately focusing on it in a way that is both taxing and deeply unpleasant.

Furthermore, the handful of poems that do stick with me to any degree are...not...topical. I sat down and tried to think about Poems That I Can Name, and came up with the following list:

Two Corbies (a medieval Scottish poem about crows eating a knight's corpse)

Dulce et Decorum Est, by Wilfred Owen, a WWI poem I read in high school about watching someone die by inhaling chlorine gas

Ozymandias, by Mary Shelley's husband. In my head, I thought this was a very long poem, like on the order of Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and it's 14 lines long.

Pachycephalosaurus, by Richard Armour, which I know by heart and will recite at the least provocation, much to the chagrin of my spouse and children.

That William Carlos Williams poem about plums, but only because it's a Twitter meme.

I mean, I will read a poem if someone posts one to Twitter or Tumblr, usually by either Mary Oliver or Richard Siken, and I will often say "yes, that was a nice poem," but and if pressed, I could probably name as many as ten poets, but please don't ask me to "associate their work" with anything.

The closest thing I have to a poem that I associate with Rukia, is actually from an Oh Hellos song that feels like a poem to me, which is:

But Death, she is cunning and clever as hell And she'll eat you alive

I do like many of the Bleach volume poems, but one of their major selling points is that they are short.

I am sure someone is reading this post who has read my fanfiction and saying, Polynya, if you hate poetry, why does it come up in your stories so much? Are you a fraud???

a) of all, yes, of course, always. I don't know jack about doing make-up or hand-to-hand combat, and I write about those things at great length, also.

b) A major theme I like to explore in my writing is the various ways people communicate with one another and how some are more effective than others and that some communicate things that were not, in fact, intended to be communicated.

At some level, I think Renji wishes he were the sort of guy who could express his feelings for Rukia through a romantic poem, but he also feels, deeply, that he is not, and that he is so far from being such a person that it's embarrassing for him to even try. (I love to imply, from time to time, that Renji considers Izuru to be peak boyfriend material and that he's a big nothingburger in comparison, this is very charming to me). Once every hundred thousand words or so that I write, I will give him (1) charming poetic thought, isolated from any actual poetry, which serves to help him process his own emotions and are not for anyone else.

On the other hand, I don't think Rukia wants poems written for or about her! I think that (like me), the idea of someone writing a love poem for her would make her want to claw her own skin off. Poetry is so deliberate. It is wrapping a message in an extra layer of intention, like gift wrap. To many people, this is very romantic, for example, I love the idea that Byakuya and Hisana exchanged poetry, both that they wrote themselves and or that they found in books that they curated for one another. I think Rukia prefers to be regarded at some subconscious level. Poetry is too direct, too raw. A proper love poem to Rukia is in the ringing of swords when fighting back-to-back, it's in a stride shortened to keep pace, it's in an a cabinet full of spicy pickles that the owner can't eat himself.

[ratsoh-writes]

Yay match ups!

I am and introvert! I do enjoy people but too much interaction makes me shut down-and big crowds make me anxious as heck (.-. I even have a hard time with Walmart) so I usually avoid them. I like small intimate gatherings with people I know or at least have some shared interest. But I especially love quality time with and S/O and of course my alone time to recharge. As far as personality goes: think of me as a house cat. I love being with, around, and interacting with the people I love, but when I need my time I go off and hide to recharge. Most of the time I’m chill and friendly, but I do have random moments of sporadic energy and silliness will ensue. And yes if I’m annoyed or mad at you I do get snippy and may not talk to you for a bit.

My hobbies include: collecting (I consider myself a curator), cooking/baking (I like to cook for loved ones and friends and to experiment with new flavors), reading (I have a huge personal library), writing (I have shelves filled with idea and story notebooks), singing, dancing, and bit of this and that and everything else :)

It takes a lot to get to me but there are a few things that get under my skin: not letting me help/take care of you: basically an S/O who insists on doing everything on their own and taking care of me. If I care about you, at least let me cook for you, massage you, listen to you rant about a bad day or stupid people, comfort you.

I also have a hard time being interrupted/spoken over/ not listened to/disregarded. Please just let me finish what I’m saying and THEN argue your point!

Deal breakers would be: trying to be physical/sexual too early in the relationship. I’m very slow to physical touch and I have had a past of bad experiences to put it modestly. If and when I trust you enough to touch you, I will initiate it (of course I’ll ask if it’s ok). Also, them not wanting/wanting me to spend time with my family. My family is my everything! If you become mine, you are absorbed into my family and that’s how it goes. (Ps: trust me you’ll love my mom ;) )

I’ve always been attracted to passionate, smart/clever men. When I say passionate, I mean they have a love for what they do; be it a hobby or a side job or their main job. I also like a man that has dreams and goals but just continue to dream about them. He works hard and goes after that dream and makes it happen. And yes I love them sharp! Book smarts are impressive, street smarts are amazing, but a man with both is phenomenal! I also love a man who takes pride in his appearance and how he presents himself. What can I say? I like them sharp in dress and in mind!

My strengths: I love helping/teaching people in all areas of life (I’m a teacher it’s my thing!). I am loyal to a fault (you hurt my friends or family, I will find a way to hurt you ._.), I am (mostly) optimistic, I am very open and willing to accept almost anything if you explain it to me.

My weaknesses: I overthink EVERYTHING! I have a tendency to shut down and shut people out when I’m mad/sad/scared instead of talking things out or even defending myself (I’m getting much better). I either care or I don’t-there is no in between! Everyday I deal with and combat differing amounts of anxiety and depression on a day to day basis. Most days I win, Some days I don’t. I don’t know if it’s a weakness but, I have a specific diet that I eat because of health and allergies but I don’t like to impose it on anyone.

Physical description: 5’9 on my flat feet, 5’10 in my regular shoes and 5’11-6ft in heels. Just above shoulder length Dirty blonde hair with light blonde highlights.Blue/grey eyes that reflect color. Glasses are a must for me to see. I have a chubby/average build. Best attribute: legs for days and thighs that don’t quit! Oh and apparently a smile that lights up a room (with a dimple).

Ok, so it was a tie between two guys. And the winner of the coin toss was……. SANS!

Congratulations! You won the tumblr sexy man!!

Fun fact, sans is the most extroverted introvert you’ll ever meet. He’s always been good at charming people but in reality he’d be perfectly happy with just a handful of family and close friends. Nothing else. So he understands perfectly how you feel. Plus sans is the definition of no pressure when it comes to relationships. He’s fine taking things slow

He’s also humble enough to let you take care of him occasionally. That bit you put in actually knocked a lot of guys out. I had no idea how many of my boys were prideful mother hens until now lol. Just let him return the favor though. His love language is acts of service, so sans will want to do little things for you as well

So I heard you like brainy guys? Well sans is very brainy. In fact he’s a genius. He’s only bested by Pluto and G, and it’s a close competition. Not very many people are willing to listen to him geek out about science, so if you do, you’ll get to see him go starry eyed.

Here’s a secret, sans will totally be a goof and dance around in the kitchen with you. But no one must ever know. If papyrus finds out, he’ll try and drag sans into exercising with him again lol

The only thing sans doesn’t fit is the presentation lol. He’s a casual guy all the way and does the bare minimum when it comes to dressing up for work. He won’t care if you mess around with his closet as long as the clothes are comfortable

Green was the other guy tied with sans

[lillupon]

thoughts on kmg situation

Hi everyone, your friendly neighbourhood minwon writer here! I apologise to those of you who were hoping for an update this weekend. In light of recent events, I found it very difficult to get excited about Achieving Escape Velocity. Before I can resume posting, I feel it is necessary for me to work through my own thoughts. 

I am not trying to persuade people into believing a particular side. I share this with the hope that it will help others who are struggling to reconcile feelings similar to my own. I also see this as an opportunity to—with your guidance—become more passionate, and to learn how to be a decent human being, if that’s what I need to do. I recognise that I come barreling in here with my own cultural and environmental biases. Thus, anyone who understands the nuances of this situation better should feel free to educate me on the matter. If this is of no interest to you, kindly scroll on; I hope to see you when I next update. Otherwise, please join me for a few minutes. 

TL;DR

I support both Mingyu and the victim/OP

I believe that people change as they grow older and become more educated and informed

I am conflicted and have my misgivings about the additional allegations (group chat screenshots + bullying a student with special needs—which has now been resolved, yay!)

I will not unstan Mingyu

I will continue to write and update Achieving Escape Velocity

I want to start by saying that I am an older fan in my twenties, and that I have been a fan of Seventeen since 2015. I have found great joy and comfort in them for many years. As much as I have tried to remain impartial, I have likely fallen short of that ideal. The truth is, I adore this boy! I admire his talents as an artist. I am charmed by the persona of him that we get to see in the media; I see parts of myself reflected in this curated persona. That being said, I tried to remain critical of the stance I am taking. I asked myself, “If this situation was not about Mingyu, and was about my local weatherman instead, would I still feel the same way?” And the answer to that was: hell fucking yeah! Don’t worry, Local Weatherman, I got your back… 

Lastly, I want to say that I am approaching this from a Western point of view. I grew up in Canada, albeit with the traditions and beliefs inherited from fairly strict and conservative Asian parents. As an international fan, there will inevitably be some cultural disconnects in this thought piece. 

There are three main parts to my admittedly rough and disjointed thoughts. The first part addresses the original accusations. The second part addresses additional accusations that were made against Mingyu. The final part is about the future of my minwon stories.

You may agree with all of this, part of this, or none of this. These are simply the thoughts I am trying to work through. 

Thoughts on original allegations (therapy records OP)

How do I describe opening up Twitter on Thursday morning? One moment, I was reading about Mingyu drawing pubes on the classroom whiteboard. The next moment, I was reading about how serious allegations against Mingyu were. People were unstanning him and Seventeen, calling Mingyu a rapist, sending him death threats, etc. I truly did not understand how the situation escalated so quickly, and I nearly gave myself whiplash trying to follow jumps in logic. 

One side of Twitter was convinced that the Original Poster (OP) was lying and doing all of this for attention; they said victims could not be believed 100%. The other side of Twitter declared that Mingyu should be cancelled, and bashed anyone who supported Mingyu or remained neutral. People were sending Mingyu death threats despite the history of k-pop artists committing suicide. All of this reminded me why I avoided Twitter for so many years: Purity and cancel culture run rampant; the mobs want blood penance for every wrongdoing without first considering the nuances of the situation. People blindly defend their ults and set aside their morals to do so.

Here is what I got out of my initial reading of the translated (version 1, version 2) accusations:

OP was shy, timid, and isolated from her classmates. When she tried to speak up in class, Mingyu would tell her to shut up. This happened enough times that, eventually, OP stopped talking in class at all.

Mingyu and his friends told sexual jokes while OP was in the vicinity. These comments made OP uncomfortable and triggered her. However, they were not directed at OP.

The sexual jokes and comments did not escalate to sexual assault or violence. OP explicitly states there was no violence or physical contact.

Mingyu and his friends drew and laughed at inappropriate pictures of body parts/hair on the board. OP is not actually sure if it was Mingyu who drew the pictures, only that he was up there laughing with the others.

OP struggles with anxiety and depression; Mingyu was not the sole reason why she attended therapy. OP mentioned that she brought Mingyu up only briefly with her therapist.

Could I believe all of this being true? Yes, because I personally adhere to two Me Too philosophies: 

The first is that women almost never lie about sexual harassment, abuse, or assault. I absolutely believe that Mingyu is capable of making sexual jokes and comments. Teenage boys and girls alike are notoriously emotional and hormonal between the ages of 12 and 14. I can also imagine Mingyu drawing penises on whiteboards, complete with elaborate pubic hair. These are the antics of a typical middle school boy. For some reason, teenage boys—at least in North America—are very fascinated by their own genitalia and like to announce they have one by drawing pictures of dicks on any available surface. 

The second philosophy I abide by is that men and boys in power are likely to abuse it. All men—even k-pop idols—benefit from patriarchy. They are in a position to abuse, degrade, and humiliate women (obviously, I hope none of these things happen, but I also have to acknowledge the possibility that they do). This is especially true in patriarchal Asian societies. Someone as popular and attractive as Mingyu holds great influence and power in his peer groups. Can I see a young Mingyu being a dick to a girl who is quiet and timid and isolated from her peers? Yes.

But also… Who wasn’t a dick in middle school? I feel like my classmates and I were colossal idiots back then. Was it just my school where classmates told each other to shut up all the time? Was it just my school where kids put their thumb and forefinger in an “L” shape to their foreheads and called each other losers? Everyone has a different threshold for what they consider bullying, but for me, these gestures and comments were so commonplace that I merely accepted them as part of the elementary and middle school experience. These things are mean and insensitive, yes, but it’s possible to grow out of these antics.

It is difficult for me to form an opinion about these sexual jokes Mingyu made for two reasons: (1) cultural differences, and thus my own internal biases, and (2) we don’t know about the nature of these jokes. It’s hard to determine whether these comments constitute as sexual harassment without this context. Even then, people have different thresholds of what they are comfortable with, and what they are not comfortable with.

We don’t know whether these comments were along the lines of “That’s what she said” or “You know what else is big?” or “I grow hair down there...on my toes!” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Or if they were jokes about sexual experience/performance, speculation about what someone looks like naked, the colour of their underwear, or raping a person (I’ve often seen these “jokes” directed at female streamers and influencers). In my opinion, there’s a big difference between the two. 

The former, while crude and immature, is not generally said with ill-intent, nor is it generally directed at a specific person. These are jokes that teens, both male and female, commonly make in North America. (Perhaps this is part of the problem: the fact that I consider this to be standard teenage behaviour...) I would hesitate to call it harassment unless the victim made it known that she was uncomfortable, and the boys continued anyway. I also understand that the victim may not have felt able to speak out against Mingyu and his friends. In this case, the boys might not have been aware of her discomfort. Teenage boys are not particularly well-known for being sensitive. 

The latter, however, objectifies and diminishes a person, and is disgusting and reprehensible. The latter is, without contest, sexual harassment. Absolutely no one should have to tolerate comments of this nature. Anyone who makes such jokes should be educated on why these so-called jokes are damaging, and how they perpetuate rape culture, as well as the sexualisation and dehumanisation of women, as well as men. Anyone who makes comments of this nature should be called out (and here I emphasise called out as opposed to cancelled) for their behaviour. It is imperative that they are educated, given the opportunity to reflect, apologise, and make amends. This is with the hope they know better in the future and do not make the same mistake again. 

Now, based on what OP said, the jokes Mingyu made seem more like the first case: he made a pun about body hair. I am pretty sure if Mingyu made “jokes” of the second nature, OP would have chosen to highlight that instead of a pun. However, this is something that needs to be clarified. The content of these jokes drastically changes the severity of the allegations.

Currently, I interpret this through the lens of my uncouth Western sensibilities: what OP described sounds like typical Western teen behaviour. There are many actions, events, and experiences that take place during our formative and adolescent years that come to define who we are as adults. Personally, I don’t think that drawing hairy penises on the whiteboard—inappropriate as it is—or being an asshole in middle school are these things.

But who am I to say, “Yeah, what OP went through was not that bad”? I can’t be the judge of that, and that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to do here. I don’t know the whole story, and even then, it doesn’t matter. I am an outsider in all of this. I’m not trying to diminish the years of suffering and torment the victim went through, and I apologise if that’s how I came off. Nothing I said previously changes the fact that these jokes negatively affected the victim. Nothing I said changes the fact that this girl’s voice was silenced because of some thoughtless middle school boy’s comments. These are wounds that people carry from childhood through to adulthood.

Impact matters just as much as intent. I might argue that in cases such as these, impact matters even more than intent. Mingyu might have done all these things without ill-intent, but OP’s trauma is very much real. (As a side note: This is one of the reasons why I am very happy with Pledis’ official statement. Their focus on healing and reparation—without absolving Mingyu or throwing him under the bus (yet)—is the right move.)

I’ve just been seeing so many death threats and demands for Mingyu to leave the group that I cannot help but wish people would extend him the empathy that they themselves would appreciate.

People are condemning a 12-14 year old Mingyu for making sexual puns and being an asshole. People are measuring a middle school aged-Mingyu against the ethical and moral standards they hold as adults, and they are finding that this young Mingyu fell short. This should not be surprising. I know if I judged younger-me by the standards I have today, I would be left wanting. 

I remember the kind of person I was as a teenager. I was hormonal. I made “That’s what she said” jokes, among others. While I never intentionally set out to hurt anyone, I know I have said crude and unkind things. As a teenager, I didn’t possess the tact I do now; I didn’t know how to self-regulate. I could be a mean and horny kid (not necessarily at the same time, haha!), but I also had parts of me that were deeply sensitive and caring and thoughtful of others. Teenagers and adults are multi-faceted. I would not want anyone to dig up these past receipts and use it as the basis to judge the person I am now. I would not want people to pick out the worst of my past actions and words, and use it to invalidate my success today. 

It varies case by case, but for the most part, I don’t think people should be punished for what they did or said as children; I would have been cancelled long ago if this were the case, as would many others. People change as they grow older and become more educated and informed. It is different if these behaviours and actions persist into adulthood. Then, yes: there should absolutely be consequences. I am not saying we can just sweep all our childhood wrongdoings under the rug. It is still important for us to acknowledge and reflect upon the wrongs of past words and actions, and to offer apologies and reparations where they are due.  

Should these allegations prove true, can I support both OP and Mingyu, or is that cheating? I do believe OP and my heart goes out to her. I understand why she chose to speak out. I know it must have been difficult to do so against someone who is a man, famous, well-loved, wealthy, and successful. I know it must hurt to see the whole world adore a man who has caused you pain. South Korea has a culture of enduring silently; this results in great mental strain and suffering. In speaking out, she relived past and present power imbalances. This is not easy for a victim to do, especially when you are a woman in a patriarchal society and your bully is a male celebrity.

I hope I am not invalidating her feelings when I reiterate that Mingyu was a young teenager, and teenagers can be mean and crude—intentionally or not. Mingyu is a public figure, so naturally, he is held to higher moral standards. But he is also human. He can and will make mistakes. He can and will continue to grow. I feel a lot of empathy for Mingyu, both now as he is forced to confront his past immaturities, and as he moves forward in his career. 

Thoughts on additional allegations (KakaoTalk group chat + ableism)

I will not be addressing allegations of Mingyu bullying a classmate with autism now that the issue has been resolved. (Again, I commend Pledis for their response, and for recognising that the ableism needed to be addressed first. Of the three l accusations, this was the one that Mingyu would not be able to recover from. Even now, he will not emerge from this unscathed). I will only be sharing my initial misgivings about these additional allegations.

First off, this is a very nuanced and precarious topic. I don’t want to diminish a potential victim’s experience, yet I hope people understand why I am so skeptical about accepting screenshots of chat rooms as hard proof. Here are a few reasons why:

(1) Bullying scandals have been erupting left and right, especially as of late. Some of these accusations have been proved true. Others have been proved false. Regardless, there seems to be a trend of digging up past receipts—fabricated or not—of celebrities with the aim of cancelling them or undermining their success. 

(2) Screenshots and chat rooms are easily manipulated and fabricated. This is different from a victim with a face speaking out against past incidents of bullying. They could be someone with malicious intent, or they could be a genuine victim. We just don’t know. And in the case of the chat rooms, it wasn’t even the victims who were speaking out.

(3) I wondered if these were antis who jumped on the coattails of the initial OP to stir the pot. These allegations (particularly the case of ableism, which has thankfully been cleared up now) are far more serious than original claims—why wait until now to bring them up?

(4) I find it difficult to trust even yearbook proof because people can and will sell yearbooks if they went to school with idols. In addition, yearbooks cannot prove interaction, and therefore, cannot prove bullying. At the same time, how do you prove bullying incidents from ten years ago? How do you disprove it? Cases of bullying aren’t often well-documented. It essentially becomes a game of my-word-against-yours. 

(5) There is a pretty well-known article from 2016 where Mingyu defended a classmate with a disability. It doesn’t necessarily disprove the current claim, but the timing is important here. The classmate shared their account back in 2016; it did not just surface after recent allegations. However, if I want to believe that the KKT screenshots are false, then I must also be willing to believe that this 2016 article may have been fabricated as well.

(6) As someone in their 20s, the thought of being in a group chat with a bunch of my middle school classmates is baffling to me. Personally, I don’t want anything to do with my middle school classmates.

There is not much more to say on this; I will patiently wait for Pledis’ statement on the remaining allegations.

Achieving Escape Velocity and other MinWon stories

In a previous blog post, I stated that when I write and talk about AEV-Mingyu and Wonwoo—or other variations of Mingyu and Wonwoo—they are strictly characters that I have made up in my head, and they are separate from the real Mingyu and Wonwoo. At the same time, I do absolutely draw inspiration from the real Mingyu and Wonwoo in the creation of these story characters. It is their faces, bodies, and voices that I imagine. Thus, my current anxieties surrounding this situation make it difficult for me to write and enjoy AEV.

However, I still love this story a lot, and I love sharing it with everyone! There’s so much more to this fic that I want to show. As I mentioned in the initial author’s note, this is the first time I’m posting something of this length and I worked really hard on it. For these reasons, I have every intention of continuing to write and update Achieving Escape Velocity. Regular weekly updates will resume this coming weekend.

[molusca]

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do? throw herself onto a pyre? is she not allowed to feel lousy that this whole thing blew up in her face? because she's an adult and she made a mistake, she's not allowed to be sad or stressed? she's still an imperfect human. apologizing immediately usually means people are still sensitive to their own hurt of being called out because it's fresh and on their mind so it tends to slip into their apology, but if she had waited any longer to compose herself, you guys would probably have an issue with how long she took. also, in aaaaaallll of this, I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic? I've read her fic and I personally can't see anything wrong, although I will admit that yes, I'm a white ciswoman but I'd like to think I'm aware of negative tropes. but the only thing touted is "it made an mlm uncomfortable" but HOW??? honestly, I want to know! if anything so I can avoid doing the same thing! how is anyone meant to learn when you're not bringing up these points as often as you're explicitly laying out the problems in her apology and whatnot. I've seen 6 posts about how shit the apology was and for why and I've not once seen the original comment detailing why the fic was problematic, and I've been looking on twit, tumblr, insta, and ao3. if it's been deleted, why isn't anyone stating again and again what's wrong? also, if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it. there's one artist that's pretty popular on Twitter and I personally really hate they way they draw klance but it's all over my tl. I respect that person's art style and creativeness and keep on moving. other people enjoy it, good for them. and if I start reading something and get surprised with something I dont like, I leave! find people who write things you like and stop engaging with creators who's things you don't like, as far as I know no one is holding a gun to your head making you read problematic fic. also for as much as you rag on her for the words she used to apologize, you don't seem to be considering your own words when offering criticism. if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully? lastly, no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way (like you should do when it come to kl content creators you don't like). people sending hate in Taylor's defense are in the wrong I agree, and this isn't hate its critism its a discussion, but Taylor isn't responsible for, how many people did you say? 16k on twit? even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense. I see so many younger fans expecting perfection in their fandoms and that just isn't going to happen. yes we should be striving to be better but no one is ever going to be perfect. not you, not me, not the mlm person, not Taylor, not anyone on any side of this argument. the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.- 🦛

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do?

im pretty sure i said its good that she realizes she handled it poorly. but she makes the whole apology about this, doesnt directly talk about the issues and i know someone went to her to talk about it. also, it took her a day to say something about it so it wasnt exactly immediate (in the sense people had already stopped talking about it but that doesnt mean they werent still bothered). the apology was directed at mlm, and i havent seen one saying it felt genuine. of couse she can be hurt but when you apologize to a marginalized group the focus shouldnt be your feelings, but the feelings of the ones you have hurt.

I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic?

she admits to be projecting on lance. so she makes him very femine and keith very masculine. and ok, gay couples like that do exist, but she is a woman projecting in this situation so this bothers people. putting mlm in this position is a harmful steriotype, bc it feels very heterosexual. this is a trope, it unfortunately happens a lot and its harmful. women need to be aware of what they are representing when drawing/writing mlm because well, real mlm are going to see it, and no one likes to feel like a fetish to others. and its not our place to question if the criticism is right or wrong when we are not mlm, so if you read this and think “but thats not a problem thats not a fetish etc” well, its not your place to judge that. theres more to it and you probably could get a better answer from a mlm sorry.

if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it.

please, lets not compare a minority pointing out harmful tropes with. something fucking illegal.

as you said, you are a cis woman, of course its not going to hurt you in this case. but if people are making harmful content its not a simple matter of “dont interact with it” because they will still be promoting it, other people are going to read it, and media influences how we see minorities so of course people will not like when they see bad portrayal of them. also, tumblr sucks so even if you want to just “dont interact with it” its hard because even after blocking you can still cross the content of someone. not sure how it works on twitter but anyway this discussion started on tumblr and tumblr doesnt stop people who were bothered by her to avoid her by blocking.

if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully?

i think she deleted the ask by now, but i dont remember the ask being hateful. i remember someone asking if she was a fujoshi, and another person mentioned that mlm didnt like the way she portrayals klance. i dont remember it being hateful. but again, she apologized for handling it badly. its just that she stops there.

no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way

ignoring world issues is a privilege. if someone is able to turn off from all the problems in the world, its a privilige. yes no one should talk aobut it all the time thats not even healthy, but to never talk about it is a privilege. thats what black people are saying, they cant just turn off from racism, so yes they are going to expect white people to do something. online honestly i cant do shit, i dont think anything i reblog here does a difference and i do what i can in my own country, but she has a plataform that could help bring awareness. again, its a privilege to be able to curate your social media to be a perfect happy place.

even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense.

maybe they wouldnt, but if people were doing this type of thing in my name, in my defense, i would at least say something about it idk. she cant control them but she makes nothing to show that she disagrees or look for the people being harassed to say something about it.

the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.

when it comes to simple things like “i prefer taller lance and i dont like taller keith” yeah, its fine to ignore people who draw taller keith and move on with your life or something like that. but we are talking about mlm, a real group of people, being upset for being portrayed in a harmful and steriotype way. its everywhere in fandom, and in real life. they cant escape from real life, and then they come to fandom where everyone wants some escapism and have to deal with more issues. its tiring

[nouveauweird]

bullshit-free guide to actually fucking writing your wip

disclaimer: this isn’t a fool proof method. when it comes to writing advice and techniques for productivity I say keep an open mind, but take what works for you and leave the rest. 

disclaimer 02: this is more or less for people who want to eventually publish, but there may be elements in here that benefit hobby-writers.

Where & When You Write

Some people will tell you that your writing routine needs to be sacred. I don’t quite believe that. You can absolutely curate a space for yourself that you aim to write in, but at the same time, focusing very strongly on the ritual of writing makes it hard to create an adaptable habit. 

The Writing Zone: 

Your desk or table should face away from your bed, my mother always swore by that and it stuck with me. If space doesn’t allow for that, consider putting furniture or some partition up so you can’t see your bed. For some reason, this makes focusing easier. 

For those of you who may be bedridden or have limited space, a good bed-desk is absolutely just as acceptable (I am actually planning to get one). 

If you have a space separate from your bedroom, the follow applies as well: 

Eliminate as much distraction as possible from your desk. Your experience of distraction is unique so do what you gotta do to eliminate it. 

Make sure your space is well lit. Background light is essential to avoid eyestrain when staring at a screen.

Your chair should be comfortable, and support your back. Scoot your ass all the way to the back of the chair and try sitting on your thighs as much as possible to take strain off your lower spine (my chiropractor told me this).

The Writing Time: 

You need to make time for your writing. Summer means the sunshine is waking me up at 5:45 AM and it’s too hot to doze comfortably so my ass is up and writing or reading until 7 AM when I gotta start getting reading for the day. If I have to catch the 10:15 AM bus, I’ve for about 4 hours to work with between waking up and leaving. 

I finished July 2019 Camp Nano by writing in the morning. And I’m not even a morning person, I swear.

Make time for you writing. If you can make a routine you can stick to, excellent, if you have a handful of 5-10 minute time-pockets— also okay! The 30 minutes your dinner is in the oven is just as good a time to write as any other.

How do you learn how to write in tiny time pockets, you ask, well here it is: Micro Writing Sprints and Macro Writing Sprints. The former applies to pockets of time under 15 mins, while the latter applies to pockets of time over 20 mins. All you have to do is set a timer and challenge yourself to write as much as you possibly can. 

Another thing to keep in mind is knowing your personal limits. If your attention suffers and you start to wander after 15 mins, keep your sprints to 5-10 minute blocks, and give yourself 5-15 min breaks where you get up, drink some water, move your body and then come back to your writing. 

How to Write More, Faster

You have to kill your inner editor. Or at least subdue them. You can fix a typo or whatever but that’s really it. The idea is that you need to allow yourself to get into a mindset where you’re only focusing on the writing, your prose is allowed to be a mess. Insecurity and doubt have no place here, only writing.

Your first draft doesn’t need to be clean. You get to clean it up when it’s done. Stephen King says you write your first draft with the door closed, and the second with the door open, and I like that saying a lot. The revision process is actually way more fun than I thought it would be. I get to make fun of myself for my weird writing quirks— every single one of my “most common errors” in my Grammarly report is about misusing commas!— and restructure and improve upon the foundation I laid with the first draft.

If you come up with something that changes something significant to your story, write a note about it, and then continue on with your draft like it’s been that way the whole ass time. Do not go back and change things. Just keep writing.

Learning how to do Writing Sprints allows you to quickly get into the habit of putting everything down as fast as you can without overthinking it. Because the real thinking is for later, when you’re revising. Essentially these Sprints enable you to get into the writing zone much faster, so feasibly you could write in small time-pockets at the bus stop, in a waiting room, on the bus—anywhere.

Outlining will make you write faster.

Yes I am pro-outlining, please don’t click away because of that, because I also still think that you need to use what works for you, and if you’re reading this something isn’t working, so please keep your mind open.

The very least you should try is preparing or pre-planning what you need to write for your writing session (no matter how short). You will write more and faster this way. Most of all, you will be less likely to “wander” around. 

I wrote out a small fragment-filled paragraph of what needed to happen in the first few scenes of my July 2019 Camp Nano project and got them out more easily and faster compared to when I didn’t. I wrote sustainedly in 30 minute time-pockets with a great deal of focus when I prepared my writing before actually writing.

Your WIP Outline

What if your outline was also actually super connected to your character sheets? Libbie Hawker makes this sound so easy in her book “Take Off Your Pants” in which she broke down some very interesting ideas on how to build your characters and your story that I hadn’t previously considered. 

What I ended up with was something like this: 

CHARACTER NAME Character: write down the basics; age, career, small relevant facts Flaw: what problem do they have that hinders them External goal: the thing they want that they can’t get unless they overcome their ‘flaw’ Ally:  who pushes the character toward their goal when they stray Antagonist: who has same or aligned goal, but with different motives and execution Events:

Opening scene

Inciting event

Character realizes external goal

Display of flaw

Drive for goal

Antagonist reveal

Thwart 01

Revisiting flaw

New drive for goal

Antagonist attacks

Thwart 02

Changed goal

Ally intervention

Renewed Focus

Battle

Death

Outcome

End: success or failure or neutral result with regards to overcoming ‘flaw’

The stuff under the “Events” category is stuff everyone has seen before in narrative charts, and it won’t be the last time you see it either. You can use or discard or repeat them however many times you need to. I still think this plot chart that I made it great for figuring out pacing, so check that out if you need some help there.

You can also apply these to series, where the character’s “Flaw” and “External goal” change as the narrative progresses. 

All of these parts are explained in Libbie Hawker’s book, but I’m happy to explain if you DM me! 

I applied a central idea for my WIP “Hyacinth Stalks” and all the central characters share a common idea with regards to their flaws. Hawker recommends filling in this information for all central characters, and working in which events which characters will interact in. 

The common idea is that my characters are “holding onto the past to feel more in control in the present”. Juliet Shain maintains habits of maintaining a “perfect athletic body” in the same way she did as a dancer five years earlier. She can’t exercise that same control over her mental health, which she struggles with, because of questions she has pertaining to the accident that lost her her leg remaining unanswered. 

Juliet’s ultimate goal is closure about the accident, which she won’t be able to access unless she stops holding onto the past and in turn the idea that the accident “ruined” her. 

I can apply the same things to Alana Murdock, another central character in “Hyacinth Stalks”, who, because she could only rely on herself after her sister’s murder while her parents grieved and her brother cut all contact, rejects her brother’s attempt to reconnect in order to protect herself in the present despite the stress of the upcoming 10th anniversary of the Hyacinth Killer’s disappearance. Her goal, would be to make it to the Olympic Volleyball team, which she won’t be able to do unless she stops isolating herself.

I can now approach the Events sections with more clarity because I know what the characters’ goals are and what their hindrances are as well. I can apply the same ideas to the other central characters, as well as the Serial Killer and weave their stories into the narrative as well. When you have a strong character arc, you can build a strong story.

When you can answer the questions about your character(s) you can fill in those Event sections with far more ease, and begin to break those sections down into chapters, scenes, or beats, with as much or as little detail as you want. Libbie Hawker’s method involves writing out paragraphs worth of scene details before actually getting to the writing. She says this isn’t necessary, but that for her it eliminates “wandering” and any doubts about what needs to be put on the page. 

Personally speaking, I lie somewhere in the middle, wherein my scene outlines involve small paragraph or bullet points for what needs to happen. 

Hawker has written books in 21 days, so there is definitely some magic in her method. In her book, Hawker details that creating her outline took 4 hours. When I outlined “But a Monster” it took a week (5 days), and despite not having had her method then, the existence of the outline made writing the novel much clearer and focused, which my writing had not been prior to admitting I needed to give outlining a chance. 

All writing advice is a tree of wisdom

Take what benefits you most and leave the rest. 

I have fully taken the advice that I have attempted to explain here. I read in “5000 Words Per Hour” by Chris Fox and “Take Off Your Pants” by Libbie Hawker and felt incredibly inspired and motivated, but some of what they say or eschue doesn’t resonate with me or my craft. I have to do what works for my writing, and if I’m happy with the pace the work is going at then alright! 

What I’ve written here is meant to give you new ideas on how to be more productive. I read the books that helped me come up with this because I felt like something was lacking in my writing routine and I had my eyes opened. I hope I have opened yours too and that your work benefits from this.

[rebelwith0utacause]

re: triggers. I don’t think most people expect to live in a bubble but instead to curate a space on here. If people do tag triggers, they know it’s at least a bit safer for them to follow that blog. For me, it’s really dependent on the day, some days it’s an uncomfortable thing to look at triggers but other days it’s the difference between a panic attack. I’ve always viewed them as a courtesy, regardless of effectivity, the time used to tag is negligible to me but invaluable for someone else

I’m adding everything below the line because I think some people aren’t ready to read this but also don’t want to add tws because there are others who need to have the option to see it.

So I read your ask and decided to take a shower and get my thoughts somewhat together in order to get the best response out. Instead, my mind went a mile a minute in all directions, but that’s nothing new.

Let me preface this by saying I understand that not every trauma is the same, same as how not every person reacts or copes with trauma the same. This isn’t me trying to say that not everyone’s struggle isn’t valid, it’s just my way of reaching out, giving a helping hand and a bit of food for thought for coping.

I keep saying I was raised differently because it’s the truth, might be European but I definitely don’t share the same values as most Europeans (or the image the world has about Europe, which is basically the UK and France). Here things are done differently, tws are almost nonexistent, to an extent you’re considered a lesser human being if you have (so many) triggers, and I’m not saying that this is good. Compassion is rare and understanding even rarer, more often than not, we’re left to our own devices and we can either sink or swim.

But then you have western civilization that comes labeled and prepackaged, where everything is written in fine print, everything is valid, everything is marketed so well that you have no other choice but to believe the seller. I’ve also had the opportunity to experience this, so I know a fair share of how this machinery works too.

I’m always trying to find a balance between the two, because it’s not the Dark Ages, but life also isn’t meant to be so sterile (or portrayed as sterile but I’ll get to that later). And this is where trigger warnings come into play.

We’ve all experienced trauma, either small or big. I won’t bore you with mine, but I can tell you that I’m not immune to triggers. It’s true that I seemingly don’t have them, and if you asked me a couple of hours ago I would’ve said that I don’t have them at all, but upon reflection, mine are just emotional and circumstantial. I don’t get a panic attack from words or images, but I might spiral down from a feeling that a situation might cause (like, say, a sudden right turn in a vehicle or as was the case a few days ago, feeling like my support system is being dismantled, I like my balance, alright?). These are all things I can’t help but fear, but I can learn to cope with them and lessen my reaction to them over time.

But enough about me, the whole reason I started questioning the tws in the first place was because of the overwhelming reaction people on the internet had of the prospect of Ashton’s video/song coming out. I’m talking people literally screaming ‘NO’ but also not wanting to be left out. And this makes me so sad, not because of Ashton or because his work might flop, but because they are missing the whole point of his song. Yes, it’s definitely his way of coping (I don’t buy that bs that it’s only about Harry, like... entering the industry at the fragile age of 18 can cause all sorts of trauma), but it’s also his way of helping other people cope, telling them that their struggle is valid but it can get better if you only allow yourself to get better. By putting a tw on it, it’s not reaching the people it’s supposed to reach, but also, the prospect of knowing that there’s a song about BD but not really hearing it is only leading your brain into thinking about BD, but without the educational guidance the song would provide. I hope I’m making sense here, like you’ll just overthink and reopen old wounds, which will lead you to feel worse about yourself. You can’t unlearn this information, same as how you can’t put a tw on the news that Ashton is releasing a new song.  

I made the parallel between the civilizations because my brain went on a different tangent that may or may not be related to coping mechanisms. Whenever I’m made aware of the difference between both worlds I can’t help but think of The Time Machine by H. G. Wells. Definitely a good read (if you haven’t read it already), but my focus was on the Eloi as a concept. It’s alarming how it translates to modern-day society. For reference, the Eloi were descendants of humans, a species that evolved from (what I gathered as) first-world society, and to fit my narrative, I’m gonna say Western civilization. They had access to everything because of their wealth, from education to food to leisure activities, but they always chose the shorter path or should I say the easier path. They chose to be sheltered from the growingly disproportionate world around them, to the point where they were living under the illusion that everything is alright and they could roam free as long as the sun was shining. They were also scared shitless of the dark because that’s when the Morlocks came out of their tunnels and preyed upon them. Morlocks were another descendant of humans, evolving from the working class and the poor which were pushed to live in the tunnels to cater to the needs of the Eloi.

Now take my short recap as the Eloi being people with trauma and the Morlocks being the trauma itself. Is living in constant fear of the dark really what you want? Or is that something society tells you is okay because there’s nothing you can do about it, so you should stay that way? And what exactly does society get out of telling you that trauma is irreparable? 

This is what I meant by the world being portrayed as too sterile. It just can’t be, we’re not the ones who decide what’s gonna happen, so we shouldn’t be disillusioned that it’s up to us. Tws are there to help you in the moment, but they aren’t a coping mechanism. They’re just a veil we put over things to make them look blurry and to give them a less scary filter so that we can forget they exist. 

And this is what I meant when I said that not every trauma is the same. It comes in different degrees, but it also comes from different irritants. Not everything is because the world was mean to us, sometimes we were mean to ourselves, and we need to learn to love ourselves in order to cope. This is where, in my opinion, tws are counterproductive. Turning a blind eye on what we do to ourselves and romanticizing trauma and martyrdom is only gonna make it worse. 

Before people say I’ve gone crazy in saying this, let me just remind you that I lived through emo szn (I only caught the ends of it, it was mostly the era of ppl born in the late 80s) where self-harm was the norm and trendy and as a person with too many issues with the image of me in my head, I found it appalling that people thought that having scars was helping them. Like... reading fanfics back then, they were FILLED with mentions of self-harm. Say what you will but pop-punk/emo as a genre helped kids feel more understood, but it also popularised physical pain as a way of dealing with trauma, no matter the degree or the outcome.

There’s a prevalent theme in every generation, I think there might be a science behind it all, but it’s almost like there’s depression lurking in the background, but there’s a trend every 5-10 years or so in how we choose to manifest it; self-harm, EDs, drugs, alcohol, adrenaline, violence. Understanding this might help us understand that there’s a root to our trauma, and if we manage to kill it off, we might defeat it. But by adding tws, we’ll never get to this conclusion. We’ll just let society run us over and let us feel like shit.

Did any of this make any sense? Probably not. I’ve been writing this for a few hours now. 

My main advice is to get to know ourselves, to learn what really makes us tick. Introspection can help in finding out which trauma we can deal with, and which one needs to be left on the back burner for a bit. The lesser ones we can cope with one step at a time, until we’re out of the prangs of fear, and we can look back and say “I used to be scared of you, but I no longer am. You hurt me, but you no longer do.” 

Please think twice before relying on a tw. 

As for my blog, I don’t think I’ll tag too many tws, not because I don’t care about your wellbeing, but because I am not an organized person no matter how much I try to be. I also try to steer clear from things that might generally be considered triggering, but you’ll have to believe in my judgment of what’s acceptable or not. If that’s not something you can do, I totally understand if you unfollow me. 

Last piece of advice coming from a person that was just another cog in the marketing industry: Don’t fall for everything that’s been sold to you. You don’t have to do anything online. Something you saw on a blog makes you feel bad? Unfollow it. An event you read about in the news is triggering? Shut your computer down. A social media platform is making you feel like shit because the users are shit? Deactivate asap. Remember that information comes to you in binary code, and at the end of the day, that’s how you should treat everything that you consume online, even tho I might be a person on my side of the screen. Life is much more spicier and colorful when you’re out there in the real world, don’t let the overload of information coming from the virtual world stop you from feeling alive. 

[marshmallow-phd]

Lies Untold

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Luhan x Reader

Summary: For generations, your family has been the protectors of mankind. You were considered one of the best and due to that reputation, you were sent on what could be the most important mission for the organization. Going under cover in a college to sniff out a particularly large and threatening wolf pack seemed easy enough. But when you meet one of the members, everything you’ve known since birth will be overturned and your loyalty to your family and heritage will be tested.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I Final

**

You were pretty sure this wasn’t going to work, but any alternative seemed just as stupid.

Clipboard in hand along with a fake syllabus you’d spent all last night making, you marched up to the front desk of the museum. Well, not really “marched”. You were trying to give off the impression that you were a nervous, harmless college student, so it was more like a slow shuffle up to the woman who held the key to your target.

“Excuse me?” you said quietly. You kept your gaze down, only flicking it up for a second or so to look at the museum worker.

She smiled at you. “Yes, how can I help you?”

You cleared your throat. “I’m, uh, I’m supposed to be doing this project on ancient Greek pottery for class and our professor is giving us extra credit if we use the examples that were supposed to be on display here, but I guess they’ve been taken down?” Thank you, overly helpful museum bulletin for that nice piece of information. “I didn’t realize that when I started my paper and I’m already falling behind in this class and I just – I really need – do you think-” You putting on the fully blown desperation act. If you kept going the snot and tears would be flowing soon enough.

Sympathy was written clear as day all over the secretary’s face. “Oh, dear. Give me a moment and let me see if the curator is here. I’m sure we can let you see the vases for a few minutes.”

“Thank you,” you hiccuped. Scurrying out of her seat, the secretary left the main lobby and disappeared into another part of the museum.

Now along, you quickly surveyed her desk. The keycard you were searching for was lying conspicuously right next to the mouse for the taking. But you had to leave it there. Snatching it right now would be too obvious. However….

As nonchalantly as you could, you knocked over the display of pencils that were resting in a mug with the museum’s logo printed on the smooth surface. Just as you were hoping, it clattered onto the desk, spilling the pencils everywhere.

Keeping up appearances for the camera, you hurried to the other side, clumsily trying to put them all back in the cup. While one hand was occupied with the mess, the other was working on opening the drawers as sneakily as possible.

Bingo.

Three extra keycards were lying there in the drawer, just waiting to be taken. You pocketed one and then closed the drawer before putting the mug back and rounding the desk once more. Phase One: complete.

A minute or so later, the secretary was back, along with the curator of the museum. She was a kind looking woman, in her fifties or so. You almost felt a little bad for lying and taking from her. Almost.

Guilt was certainly an emotion that followed you around lately. Its point of origin was one that you didn’t want to think about. Going into that part of your mind… it was too dangerous. A fog would begin to take over your thoughts and you didn’t know up from down, wrong from right. Everything grayed together with no visible way of separating it again. It was best to stay out of that mindset as much as you could.

“I’m told that you’re supposed to be doing a project on Greek pottery?” the curator asked.

You nodded, holding out your clipboard for her to see. “It’s a pretty big paper. I need to do well on it if I want to pass the class. It’s not my major, but-”

“That’s alright, dear,” the curator smiled at you. “Just follow me.” Without really waiting to see if you were behind her, the curator led you straight to the back door that you’d seen the alpha slip into before. Maybe you didn’t need the keycard after all.

Sliding her own keycard that was clipped to her jacket’s lapel, the curator opened that forbidden door and motioned for you to go inside.

The left side of the long hallway was dotted with doors also locked up tight, but instead of just being able to swipe the card again, each door was secured by a keypad that required the right number sequence to enter.

Crap.

To make matters even more difficult, the curator covered the keypad so you wouldn’t accidentally see the code she was typing in. Not that it would help you at all. Each door probably had its own sequence. And you didn’t need to get to the pottery. You needed another door that held something even more valuable.

In the room you didn’t really need to enter were rows and rows of faded, cracked pottery safely guarded behind thick glass that was padlocked shut. On the table in the middle was a two-hundred-plus catalog explaining each piece’s history.

“I’ll let you spend some time in here,” she said. “You may take pictures, but, please, don’t use your flash, and let me know if you have any questions.”

“Thank you so much!” you smiled. “You’re a life saver!”

The curator waved your compliment off, but seemed extremely pleased to be praised. She left you alone as promised without another word. Your lips snapped back into their normal neutral state.

Now what?

You still didn’t know which door you needed to get through and now you had another obstacle standing in your way. You were going to need outside help again.

Shoving the clipboard into your bag, you turned the handle and propped the door open with your bag so you didn’t accidentally lock yourself out. Technology was definitely not your strong suit, but even you could tell that hacking this dinosaur of a keypad wasn’t going to be easy. You pulled out your phone, taking a few pictures of the pad from different angles and sending them off to Carter before dialing his number.

“You sure are racking up the favors now, aren’t you?” was his greeting.

“Shut up,” you hissed. “I’ve hit another snag, that’s all. I’m pretty sure the book is behind a lock like the one I sent you. But I don’t have a way of getting the code.”

“Did you look to see which numbers are faded?” Carter asked snarkily.

You mimicked him quietly before replying, “From what I can see, none of them are faded enough to give me even an inkling of what the combination could be.”

“Welp, you’re SOL.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s an older basic model,” he explained. “No port for maintenance, so no hacking it from there. It doesn’t work wirelessly from what I can see, so you can’t get in that way either.”

“Fan-freaking-tastic,” you growled through clenched teeth. “I might as well just break the door down.”

“Now that doesn’t sound very subtle.”

Before you could retort, the sound of the main door’s keypad beeping reached your ears. You hung up with Carter without even saying goodbye and rushed back into the room, shoving the door closed. But it wasn’t the curator coming to check up on you.

Two male voices passed by your door, making your ears perk up.

“I don’t know. I just don’t think there’s any more in the book about them that we don’t already know, Junmyeon.” At the sound of Luhan’s voice, your heart lept in your chest and it wasn’t out of nervousness. You pressed a hand over it as if to try and calm or quiet it down. Such a simple thing like hearing his voice shouldn’t be making you react like this. The thick gray fog was starting to cloud your mind again and you almost missed the vital information about to be passed in front of you.

“I know. But there might be something about hunters in there that we missed.” A heavy sigh came after that comment. “I’ve never heard of them actually sending someone undercover before. They’ve always preferred to just attack in numbers. I don’t know how to fight this.”

So, they knew about you. Well, at least partially. Shit. Now you were going to have to be even more careful. You felt like a sitting duck. You couldn’t go home with your tail between your legs just because the wolves started sniffing around. Johnny would never let you hear the end of it, even if your parents said it was okay to put personal safety first. No, you had to stay and see this through.

At least, that’s what you told yourself was keeping you here.

When you heard another door open, you decided that was your time to leave. Checking to make sure the hallway was clear, you quietly made your way out back into the main lobby. You nodded to the secretary, who waved goodbye to you, completely unaware that you were walking out with one of her precious keycards.

As soon as you were out on the front steps, however, a hand grabbed your wrist. Whirling around, you tried to break the hold, but your heel lost balance on the edge of the first step, nearly sending you backwards until Luhan caught you around your waist.

“Whoa, there!” he chuckled as he steadied the two of you out.

Now your mind was really messed up. Standing there, slightly leaned back while Luhan hovered over you with his arm around you was making you feel… somehow calm and in hyper drive at the same time. The instinct to fight and get away from the supernatural wolf was being beaten by something else that couldn’t be named. A shimmer in Luhan’s eyes brought you back to your senses, pushing him away.

“Don’t you know better than to just randomly grab people?” you snapped.

“I’m sorry.” But there wasn’t really any apologetic evidence in his face. He was looking at you with a soft expression that had never been sent your way before. You didn’t like it.

“Did you need something?” You crossed your arms. Your gut reaction whenever he was around was to put up a titanium wall that couldn’t be stormed through. What could possible happen if you didn’t was an experience you weren’t sure you could live through.

“I-” He stopped. “Just checking on you. Since you left rather quickly last week.”

“I’m fine,” you reassured him a little curtly. “But I have to go.”

He nodded. “I’ll see you later.” Shoulders drooping, he turned and headed back inside the museum. Your foot took a step towards him involuntarily before you could stop yourself. You blinked.

What were you doing? Get out of there!

Forcing yourself to turn back around, you flitted down the steps and to the bus stop where you could get away from the area as fast as possible. You ignored the rattling of the window as you pressed your forehead up against the cool glass. Understanding was starting to come to you, thought you still couldn’t fully explain it. There was just something about that boy – that wolf – that was stirring up your stomach and making your heart flutter. You felt calmer after looking into those dravite eyes. Like the world and time themselves were no longer moving and you didn’t have to worry about what was coming next because you at least had that moment.

But you did have to worry. The wolves now knew that there was a hunter under their noses, learning about them. You didn’t know if they knew that you were trying to get to their closely guarded secret. The one you now knew for sure was kept in the museum. And maybe that could still give you the advantage. Would you be able to carry out your mission and get away without blowing your cover?

Did you even want to succeed anymore?

The idea of letting everyone back home down was just adding to your stress. Some would be quick to label you a coward. Others would just shrug and say they knew it would be a failure from the beginning. Most believed that the straightforward approach was best. Ambush the pack and take them out. None of this sneaking around and playing games for those people like Johnny, who couldn’t care less about the book and its secrets.

Maybe the reason they preferred it that way was because then they could stay disconnected. They didn’t see them interact on a daily basis or watch them laugh and do basic human things. Was that what was going on with you? Were you becoming like John Smith or Sam Worthington’s character in Avatar? Were you simply becoming sympathetic to the wolves?

That didn’t explain the way Luhan plagued your mind or invaded your dreams. Nothing did. Except…

Once – when you were fifteen or so ��� your parents brought in another hunter to train you in archery. His name was Darien, a few years older than you, maybe in his early twenties or so, you couldn’t remember. He had dark blue eyes framed by jet black hair that made his features even more striking. With a tall stature and a body that he took great care of, it was no wonder that the other girls were jealous of your one-on-one tutoring. But none of that was the reason that you soon fell head over heels for him. It was how he handled the bow, how quick he could be, the best at combining speed and accuracy while maintaining grace in every movement. There was an elegance to the way he shot the arrows. Soon, your eyes started inserting a glow around his whole person every time you stared at him.

Looking back, you were utter humiliated at how upset you were when you found out he was already engaged to someone else, like you ever actually stood a chance. You were a kid, he was a grown adult. But you were convinced that you were in love him. Typical teenager angst.

That was the one and only time in your life that you’d ever felt those kinds of emotions towards someone and therefore that was all you had to compare with whatever it was that Luhan was doing to you.

But there was no comparison. Not really. The two incidents felt isolated, on completely different planets. With Darien, it was more of an adoration. No matter how hard you racked your brain, trying to figure it out, you couldn’t understand what the underlining definition of your emotions towards Luhan was.

Now back at your apartment after riding the bus around and around for a few hours, you found yourself standing in front of the bulletin board, contemplating where you should go from here. Part of you honestly just wanted to rip the whole thing down, tear it to shreds and run away.

No. You couldn’t do that. So, instead, you did the next best thing.

You took the board off the wall and stuffed it into your closet before swinging the door closed. You needed a drink.

Before leaving you changed into a more bar appropriate outfit, getting out of the innocent college student gear of a hoodie and jeans. Sliding your arms into your favorite jean jacket, you locked up behind you and began to walk towards the business district where a majority of the bars were located to give easy access to the university population.

You passed by the first few bars you came across, deciding that they were too full from your view through the windows. Being around crowds of careless drunks was not what you were wanting at the moment. Not that you would protest possibly throwing a punch at a drunk frat boy who thought he could invade your personal space because he worked out.

Remember, these methods are only to be used in self-defense came your mother’s voice in your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The next bar that caught your eye was exactly where you didn’t need to go.

The Moonlight.

You should keep walking. You should not put yourself in any position to be closer to the confusing wolf. You should find another bar on the other side of town and –

You walked inside the bar, hating the fact that, while not empty and secluded, it definitely wasn’t as rowdy as the others you’d nixed. Maybe they weren’t even actually that full. Maybe your brain was self-consciously taking you here. What an idiot.

The next preventative step to avoid disaster would have been to sit at one of the small round tables as far away from the bar as you could get. So, naturally, you sat right down in Luhan’s section of the bar.

“What can I get you?” he asked in the most droll voice when he approached.

“What?” you frowned. “No friendly greeting? Not even a smile?” His unusually gruff demeanor was not what you expected – and you didn’t like it. Great, even more of a reason for that drink.

“From our run-in earlier, I didn’t think you were in a friendly mood,” he replied. “In fact, I’m kind of surprised to see you in here.”

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, looking down at your nails. There wasn’t much to pick at, but you managed to do so anyway. “I shouldn’t have treated you like that. Things are just… very complicated in my head right now.”

There was that smile you’d come to know. “Well, then. I guess you came to the right place to clear it up again.”

You pointed at him in a very un-menacing manner. “That’s the plan. So, can I get a whiskey and coke?”

Luahn made a face. “So boring.”

“I’m not drinking for pleasure.”

Still slightly smiling, Luhan narrowed his eyes at you before expertly flipping a short glass onto the bar, simultaneously filling it with whiskey from the large bottle and coke from the nozzle after adding ice. He slide the full glass over to your side. “There you go. A glass of boring sugar.”

Maybe you were being a little cheeky, you took the glass and gulped down the drink in just a few chugs, dropping it down on the bar with a slight clatter just for emphasis.

Luhan just stared at you. “That was fast.”

You shrugged. “I told you. I wasn’t drinking for pleasure.”

His look of awe slowly transformed into a look of concern. “What’s going on, (y/n)? You don’t seem like the kind of person who normally does this.”

“I….” You laughed. “I honestly don’t know how to describe it.” Because it’s all about you. “I just need to… not think for a little bit.”

“That’s not a healthy coping mechanism,” he pointed out.

“No, but I didn’t necessarily say I was looking for a healthy solution, now did I?” You didn’t think there was one anyway. Sitting here across from him was making it a little better, even if you were still just as confused. Maybe it wasn’t the alcohol that you needed in the end.

You weren’t a consistent drinker and that first glass was already starting to hit you. But when Luhan started filling up it up again, you didn’t protest. You did, however, take this one a little slower.

“Hae In’s going to throw a fit when she finds out you went out without her,” Luhan chuckled after walking away for a minute to help another patron.

“Oh, Innie will live,” you smiled.

Luhan frowned thoughtfully at the nickname. “Why do you call her that?”

You cringed, both from the sting of a particularly strong gulp and the question. “Well, when I was younger, I couldn’t pronounce Hae In very well. Or at all, really. So we came up with Innie as an alternative. It just kind of stuck ever since.”

“It’s cute.”

You pursed your lips. “Cute is not normally a word associated with me.”

Leaning forward, Luhan rested on his elbows, a smoldering gaze blazing in his eyes. “Well, I think you’re very cute.”

Okay. That was… flirty. Now you were blushing. You could actually feel your cheeks and neck burning up. But just as you opened your mouth, another customer called out for Luhan, making him straighten up and leave you alone to do his job. You downed the rest of the drink in a sad attempt to cool yourself down.

Fun fact: alcohol heats you up and now you were practically on fire. The jacket came off to help with the heat, draping it over the back of your chair for safe keeping.

You stayed for several hours, slowly sipping on another two drinks while talking to Luhan in between other patrons demanding his attention for refills. Though it was ultimately a short amount of time, it just might have been some of the best hours you’d ever spent on this planet. You’d laughed and smiled the whole time, getting to know Luhan on the human level that you never were meant to. But you didn’t care. You liked spending time with him like this. Why had you been so resistant to it in the past?

As the night grew older, you decided it was time to head home. Luhan’s own grin faded when he saw you get up from your seat. When you got to your feet, however, you started to wobble unsteadily and he hopped over the counter, using only one of his hands as a base on the bard before landing in front of you.

“Well, that was impressive,” you giggled. Oh, yeah. You weren’t drunk, per se, since you still had good control over yourself and there was only one Luhan, but you were definitely tipsy.

“Okay, I’m walking you home.” Luhan turned to tell his coworkers but you slapped his chest.

“No, I’m fine.”

He ignored you. “Hey, guys, I’m going to see her home since we’re pretty slow. Just put her tab on me.”

“Okay!” One of the female bartenders yelled back, waving the two of you goodbye.

Luhan waited for you to put on your jacket, snickering at your struggle, and then he escorted you out of the bar with a hand at the small of your back.

The night air felt so good against your skin. You walked in the direction of your apartment with ease, albeit still a little wobbly, just enjoying the quiet. It wasn’t quite closing time yet and so only those wanting to beat the crowds were heading to their cars or calling services to pick them up.

“I think I like you like this,” Luhan suddenly said.

You whipped your head at him, surprised. “Intoxicated?”

“Oh, no!” he laughed at his own slip up. “I just meant… more relaxed. You don’t seem like you’re looking for a way out this time.”

“That’s because I think I might give up looking for a way out,” you admitted.

Luhan stopped in his tracks. “You… what?”

But you didn’t elaborate. You just kept on walking in the direction of home, staring up above. The moon was getting smaller, waning more and more each night until it disappeared again. You hated that. You preferred big and bright, like a flashlight in the sky.

“So, are you going to stay? Here in town?” Luhan tried again.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “For now. While I can.”

The mood was dampening again, but Luhan could be counted on to lighten it up again after walking a couple blocks in silence. “So, did you come to my bar to see me?”

You scoffed, your acting as if that was ridiculous being of terrible quality. “No. Everywhere else was just full of people. I don’t like people.”

“But you like me?” He was giving you a crooked smile.

You shook your head, now walking backwards to face him. “I’m not allowed to like anybody. Especially….” You stopped yourself from exposing what you knew. Good. You weren’t that intoxicated to make that slip.

Luhan raised an eyebrow. “Especially….”

You pulled a dumb category out of the air, telling in a flirty manner, “Especially the unmanly kind.”

His jaw dropped, offended. “And you’re sticking me in that category?”

“Pretty boys aren’t usually manly,” you giggled, even patting his head for good measure.

“Not manly, huh?” Taking you up on your challenge, Luhan scooped you up in his arms, twirling you around while you cried out in joy.

When you were back on your feet, you were more unstable than ever but you couldn’t stop laughing. That’s when you realized that you were right outside your door now.

“This, uh,” you cleared your throat. “This is me.”

Disappointment was all over Luhan’s face now that the journey had ended. “Oh. Okay. Well, I’m glad you made it home safe. Sleep well.”

He turned to leave, but you stopped him by grabbing his sleeve. “Wait.”

Hope now filled his eyes as he stared back at you. This was the ultimate crossroads. You either let him go, staying where you were and reverting back to your previous guarded self or you took the plunge and explored what it was that you were feeling for him. Either way, you knew there was no turning back. You knew exactly what you were doing when the next two words left your mouth.

“Stay. Please.”

Wordlessly, Luhan nodded.

Feeling like you were moving in slow motion, you turned and unlocked the door. You stepped into your apartment with Luhan right behind you. With this seemingly harmless choice, you knew you were committing the ultimate betrayal. But regret was nowhere to be found.

[youknowmymethods]

Content Creator Interview #5

Welcome back again folks! This week in our fifth interview @vermofftiss chats to @mizjoely about her love of lists, her fantasy season five finale, and reveals the truth about who really writes her stories...

Hi, @mizjoely here, chatting with @vermofftiss about my sherlolly writing and fandom experiences, and answering some questions submitted by a few other folks. I’ve been involved in fandom in one way or another since the early 1980s, which is also when I started writing fanfiction - for classic Doctor Who and Star Trek in its various incarnations.

@vermofftiss here, putting forward the aforementioned questions. I’ll also be trying to weasel some advice out of @mizjoely that I can use for my own writing, which has been a casual ongoing thing since I published my first sherlolly fic in 2014.

Vermofftiss: I think our first encounter was in the Sherlollychat in the fall of 2014, around the time I got onto AO3. Which means series 3 was five years ago. How does it feel knowing that series 4 was already two years ago? What’s changed in the time since it aired?

Mizjoely: Oh, I miss the sherlollychat, or at least I did until Channy came up with the discord version! It’s hard to fathom that so much time has passed since I joined the fandom! (I became active on tumblr in November 2013 after discovering Sherlolly earlier that same year, btw.) Series 3 was five years ago. Series 4 was two years ago. Crazy!

As for what’s changed since then, I’d have to say one positive thing is that the fandom wank has calmed way the hell down since S4…. Another change that I’ve seen is probably common to all fandoms over time - new writers and content creators have joined the fandom while (sadly) many others have moved on to other fandoms. Of course, that’s to be expected when your show is essentially over, but it’s still kind of sad to lose folks completely to other fandoms.

V: Which series was your favourite to play with as a writer? When did you really get into writing Sherlolly?

M: I would have to say Series 4 has definitely been a great series to write for - so much angst! The I love you! Mary Watson’s very sad death, Rosie Watson becoming a character, Mrs. Hudson showing us what a badass she is, and of course Eurus Holmes entering the picture. We might not have gotten as much Molly Hooper as we wanted, but the scenes we did get with her were tremendous and gave so much inspiration to me and many other writers.

I really got into Sherlolly as a ship after seeing TRF, as I’m sure is true with many folks - especially the “what do you need” scene. And it was so much fun to dive into the possibilities of life after Sherlock’s ‘death’ between Series 2 and 3, I consider that a real golden age of Sherlolly writing. My first published Sherlock/Sherlolly fic was “Conversations With A Dead Detective”, set Post Reichenbach, which according to fanfiction.net I published on 04/11/13 (so I’m nearly at my five year Sherlolly- versary, woo hoo!).

A quick look at my spreadsheet (don’t judge me, I love my lists) shows that I wrote or at least started 37 fics that year (one of which I’m still working on, yikes! - The World As We Know It, a vamp!lock fic). I’m currently sitting at almost 500 fics for Sherlolly, which still amazes me, that I could be that inspired by a pair of fictional characters! (For comparison, my second most prolific fandom is Doctor Who, for whom I wrote a total of 25 stories over a period of 20 years. And of those 25, only about a dozen were for my main ship, Five/Tegan).

V: A couple of questions from @ohaine - 

1) Based on the sheer volume of your work, I have this theory that you’re actually some sort of artistic collective rather than just one person, please tell me I’m right!

M: You have discovered my secret: I'm actually four raccoons in a trenchcoat! Seriously though, until I was bitten by the Sherlolly bug, my output was much, much lower, even though I've been writing fanfics since the early 1980s. For example, I love the Zutara ship for Avatar: Last Airbender, but I only wrote three fics for that. I wrote about 25 fics for Doctor Who, and about the same amount for the various Star Treks (not including Khanolly). Nothing set my writing muse afire like Sherlolly, and I doubt anything ever will again.

and, 2) You write a lot of AUs, and I’m wondering what inspires them?

M: Considering that I started off as a strictly Canon Universe/Canon Compliant writer in all of my other fandoms, it still seems funny to me how much I enjoy writing and reading AUs now. I started reading them after finally running out of canon compliant fics to read and discovering how much fun it was to transplant the characters into a different universe. And that, of course, made me think about what sort of AUs I could fit Molly and Sherlock into.

In fact, the very first BBC Sherlock story I started to write (never finished or posted) was an AU because I was nervous about trying to write Sherlock and figured no one would complain too much about him being OOC if it was a fantasy setting. (I ended up taking the plunge on a canon universe post Reichenbach fic and posted that and a lot of other canon universe fics before returning to AUs.)

Wait, that doesn't answer the question! What inspires them? The same things that inspire all my writing: wanting to read a specific kind of fic and not being able to find it; fics that other authors have written that make me itch to put my own spin on the idea; dreams; books I've read or movies or TV shows I've watched...inspiration is everywhere when you really, really, really love a ship. (Gawd that's cheesy but it's true - no love, no writing fanfic, period end of paragraph.)

V: This past spring I finally got the nerve to start working on my first proper AU (not CC, CU, or UA) after sitting on the idea for about 3 years. Have you ever had to wait to be “ready” to start working on a concept? How much do you need to know about a project to get going on it?

M: I have absolutely had to wait to be ready to start working on a concept. My very first attempt at a Sherlolly fic (never finished or published) was going to be an AU because I was so intimidated by the idea of writing Sherlock Holmes in the canon universe set up by Moffat & Gatiss. I was terrified I wouldn’t get his voice right, that he would be too OOC for folks, that I wouldn’t be able to make him clever enough or that I’d mess things up a dozen different ways. So I started writing the AU instead, and in doing so (over a course of several months), I finally realized that no, I wanted to start off in the canon universe. Just trying to write him at all, in any setting, made me a little less intimidated by him. But I might never have written anything if I hadn’t started that abandoned AU. (And I look forward to seeing your AU when you’re ready to post it!)

V: Does reader feedback ever impact the plots of your stories or the building of your AUs?

M: It absolutely can, especially when someone leaves a comment that makes me think about my story in a different light. I won’t go so far as to say comments have caused me to redo anything on a larger scale (such as change the ending) but certainly I’ve thrown things into the fic or expanded on ideas expressed in a comment to make the story that much richer.

That’s one of the best things about being active in fandom - the interactions between readers and writers. Of course, the reverse can also be true - I remember needing a LOT of fan-friend coddling when some folks were unhappy with the ending of my story ‘Abandoned’ (i.e., my Molly let my Sherlock get off too easily). But you have to have thick skin to be a creator, and remember that not everyone likes the same things. And you also have to be able to say yes, I could have done this better, or if I had to do it over I’d do it differently. It’s all part of the creative process.

V: Are there any scenes or aspects that were cut from a story that you regretted leaving out at the end?

M: Not really. Most things that I cut have been vetted by my betas (shout-out to ALL betas for being willing to help you make your story better!) and jettisoning those things has always made my stories better. (Plus I keep a folder of scraps that got cut and periodically review those scraps to see if I might be able to salvage them.)

V: On top of being one of the better-known Sherlolly writers in the tag, you’re also the single person behind the Sherlollbrary. As much as I love to organize my life and everything else I can get my hands on, that’s not something I think I’d ever actually want to do. So what made you decide to start cataloguing Sherlolly fics?

M: My love of lists. Seriously, that’s it. I love making lists of things - like, how many stories did I write in 2013 for Sherlolly (37, as you now know!), how many one-shots have I written vs. multi-chapters, how many were prompts...and then I started seeing people doing lists of various tropes. The one that made me decided to start my Sherlollilists side blog was one put together for Sherlolly omegaverse stories. As more and more lists were created, edited, and added (I’m currently at 140 official lists, with more than a dozen unofficial lists), I decided it would nice to organize them all (not realizing quite what I was getting into!) as one spreadsheet, with other tropes and tags and keywords for folks to help narrow down their searches. It always give me a little thrill when I open the library and see folks are browsing, so I like to think it’s a useful tool (although I am looking forward to finishing it someday!)

@writingwife-83 asked: You work tirelessly to organize all the multitude of writing this ship produces, but how do you feel that affects you as a writer? Does it make you less interested in writing your own fics? Or does it tend to help get the wheels turning and inspire you?

M: I have to admit, sometimes curating the lists can completely put me off writing, simply due to feeling oversaturated. This is especially true when I am reading or skimming over fics that are, shall we say, not the best of the bunch. Or the times when I'm just pushing myself even if I'm not really enthusiastic about doing it. Those times, I've learned to just step back, which is why sometimes the lists don't get updated very quickly.

On the other hand, rereading a favorite or a forgotten gem can really get my creative juices flowing. At times like that, I fall back in love with the ship and the fandom all over again.

V: When you’re stuck with writer’s block or just a lack of motivation, does it help you more to reread an old fave or to go back through some of your own works? Have you noticed your style has changed much?

M: It does help, absolutely. It reminds me why I love this ship so much, and helps me reconnect with others in the fandom. People think of reading as passive and writing as solitary, but to me it’s an interactive process. Reading great fics, new can old, helps feed your creativity. And nowadays the internet helps so much as well - there are awesome resources and fandom spaces to talk to other folks about their works and your own, reminding you that you’re not creating in a vacuum. (And I REALLY love the cheerleading section of the Sherlolly Discord site. That can help unstick my creativity like nobody’s business!)

As for my style changing - yeah, it definitely has. I feel like my writing has become more streamlined and less clunky since I first started. I still do a lot of semicolon abuse but at this point I’ve decided that’s just my style and will likely never change.

Thanks for the excellent questions and for letting me ramble on!

V: I’m sure we can do a lot more rambling if left on the trail. How about one last one: In the currently hypothetical series 5, how would you continue the story from where it left off?

M: Oooh, good one! If I was in charge we would see that Sherlock and Molly are continuing their relationship, culminating with a wedding at the end of the third episode. But since I’m not in charge, I’m thinking that Mofftiss would give us some subtle hints, like John casually mentioning to Sherlock that he and Rosie can’t join ‘them’ for dinner that night for whatever reason. And maybe some small changes to 221B to show hints that someone else spends time there other than Sherlock and the Watsons - a cherry patterned pillow, perhaps? A Bart’s ID card with a woman’s picture to show that no, it isn’t one Sherlock nicked to get access to a place he otherwise couldn’t get to? A woman’s coat hanging next to Sherlock’s? Something like that. And some private smiles between Sherlock and Molly, little things like that. Enough to give us hope but not enough to give us proof! They do like to tease that way!

Non-shipwise, I think Eurus would make a return because come on, how do you leave a character like that catatonic? I also think they would return to ACD canon to revise a few more cases for the modern age, and maybe (maybe!) have John start dating again (especially if they’re so married to canon that they killed Mary off - since John seems to have been married at least twice, they would probably explore that option).

I know, that last part is a bit vague but honestly? I hope they surprise the hell out of us in a good way if we ever get that fifth series!

Next Week, Friday March 22nd, @ashockinglackofsatin talks to @sunken-standard

[nvrissa]

hello laid ease and furries ( u know who u are )......hahaha....are u ready for this ? zimzalabim ! my name is xan ( she/her pronouns ) and my laptop has been broken for a good 3 years now i have to use an onscreen keyboard so if u see me typing for 20000 years on discord only to send u a single sentence u know whats up x JSDBJWBJW here is the intro....im really winging this no one call me out for that WOOO....tw: medication, mental health, body image ? perhaps just to be safe <3

ok ! so im not gonna talk too much abt family stuff bc yuno and i are doing the collab of the century here and art takes time people ! JSBDJBWDJW but so u get a good idea...i will write a little abt it lets get it 

so the kwons were two of the biggest faces in hollywood ( and tbh they are still considered icons / hollywood royalty no matter how old they get they stay #Relevant ) think bradgelina ! literally everyone knows who the kwons if u dont u probably live under a rock /: 

their parents are very into the fame thing...so when it came to their kids ( nari and wolfe ) they SUPER pushed the famous life onto them, really expecting both of them to be just as obsessed and enamored by the public. idk if u guys ever say that vid of gigi and bella hadid before they were huge were their mom was pressuring them both to get into modeling and to stay skinny and to be stars etc....it was kinda like that !

so narissa, being the first born, really just internalized that shit...like imagine being told ever since u were a baby that fame and status and ur last name are wildly important and not being able to remember a time when u werent being watched by cameras / a third party ( the public ) bc that was her life ! nari has....no experience as to what life is like without cameras and without having to create this image of herself that ppl are gonna be into 

obviously that’s NOT normal....and it had it’s toll on her /: as a kid she grew up so fast like u know those kids that seem so mature and wise for their age ? that was nari. she always had two versions of herself: inside nari vs outside nari. she was so good at being good just bc she knew what stuff to express and what stuff to keep inside ( spoiler alert: most of it was kept in x )  

she is still very much desperate to please her parents despite it all /: i feel like for a long time she kinda excepted and agreed that fame is everything ( hence why shes known for using her last name to get her places ) but shes starting to realize just how FUCKED it all is and just how much it’s messed her up so stay tuned for more fun !

ok so career stuff ! nari started off as a child model bc she was um super cute and super good at knowing what to do / not freaking out in front of cameras <3 but she was always obsessed with actors ! she used to sit in front of the tv for hours legit study and memorize ppls mannerisms and various movie lines.. she was literally always just quoting random lines / imitating various actors so often her parents were like ok word go act !    

she landed her first role at 12 and it was a pretty huge role as a lead chara in a mini television series that revolved around a cast of kids ( think stranger things but not plot wise just how some of the mains were kids ) with zero acting experience before hand ... so it was pretty clear to the media nari got the spot bc she was a kwon ! there was a bunch of controversy around the show before it came out but once it was released...there was no denying nari had talent

after that it was just a whirlwind of acting doors opening up for her. everyone wanted nari bc of her last name and all the attention that came from it, not to mention every director wanted to be The One that helped narissa kwon become one of the most famous actresses of the 21st century. most of the time she was getting cast for selfish reasons but nari never realized it /: she was just happy to be acting bc it really was like therapy for her to become different ppl

flash forward to age 15 when narissa was finally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and was prescribed meds to help ! it was actually a director from a movie she was working on that suggested to her parents nari might be struggling after witnessing her have a panic attack on set. not wanting a scandal, her parents agreed it was best to get her “help” which included pills and weekly therapy ! 

so nari actually didnt mind it too much tbh she HAD been struggling for a while she just assumed her anxiety was normal and just like something all famous ppl were dealing with but that wasnt the case. she was hesitant to open up to her therapist just bc she was still obsessed with this idea of inside nari vs outside nari, and she was very scared to cross that line so it took....years of sessions to build up that trust

as she got older though and as she got more famous, everyone just assumed she was better. she was more famous and loved by the day, she had become a chanel ambassador ( thank u jennie x ), her interviews on youtube always brought in record views, she’d started in plenty of movies critics agreed would become cult classics, her social medias were nearing kardashian level in terms of followers: everything was on track....

....except nari had actually never been more unstable. she had become so dependent on her meds she couldnt go anywhere or talk to anyone without popping a few in. all the watching eyes were starting to make her paranoid, not to mention the pressure from her parents ( who couldn’t be happier with nari being so famous ) was at its all time high. she had been nominated for an oscar at 21 and everyone was expecting her to win...and then she didnt

narissa kwon famously fainted at the 2018 oscars after it was announced she had lost the award. her actual fainting wasnt caught on camera or televised, but it WAS witnessed by some of the most relevant names and faces in hollywood who were in that room. the scandal took the media by storm, the hashtag #getwellnarissa trending for over 42 hours until a statement was released she had fainted bc of dehydration and other undisclosed causes and that she was okay & currently taking it easy at home surrounded by family 

in reality it was the abuse of her medication as well as all the stress, but when your last name is kwon manipulating the press is as simple as making the right phone call. unfortunately for nari and her parents, the article about the brat pack came out a week later, and there was no manipulating that source /:

for narissa, it was all a wake up call. she decided to go off her anxiety meds altogether. after falling out with the brat pack she spent that year trying to figure out who she was separate from her fame and her last name. despite some offers from a few casting directors ( surprisingly some people still wanted her despite the scandals bc she was still a kwon, after all ) narissa rejected every role except one in a coming of age indie movie that explores womanhood and mental health as well as strained relationships with mothers. the movie is set to release sometime mid august hehe (~:

she agreed to come to milan to reunite with the brat pack bc she’s still searching for herself ! nari figures the people who quite literally grew up with her might give her some answers......not to mention there is still a part of her who is desperate to reclaim the image and status she had before everything fell apart </3    

PERSONALITY/TIDBITS

narissa is....complicated to say the least. growing up in front of the cameras and in a family who prioritized fame and outside opinions of you as the most important thing, she is quite literally desperate for praise and approval. because she legit has no idea what parts of her are real and what parts of her she’s created for her public persona, she often looks for understanding in others!! shes very very good at analyzing people and understanding people in the hopes that its gonna make her better at analyzing herself, but to no avail. 

libra sun capricorn moon !! THIS is super accurate and telling if u wanna read but i kinda just summarized it in the last bullet

she is such a perfectionist with everything she does and a bit of a control freak in the sense that if she’s not the one doing something, she doesnt have faith whatever that is will be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. directors are often concerted with nari bc whenever she gets big roles.....she is so hard on herself, often asking for take after take bc she monitors every little thing abt her expression or her movements. she’s often left frustrated and disappointed with herself bc again, her standards are SUPER unrealistic ):

she’s relatively sweet!! growing up with the brat pack they probably knew her as the life of the party, very bubbly, confident, and very easy to have fun with as long as you’re being tolerable. however, she can get kind of opinionated at times so it’s very hard for you to gain her trust and respect back if you lose it. she’s also prone to random mood swings / periods of isolation, but whenever she returns its with a big smile and a soft voice assuring you everything is okay 

very good at lying and deceiving ppl but she hardly ever does it on purpose ( unless her publicists asks her too ). she’s carried this persona / public image of herself curated for consumption from others for so long, sometimes she has no idea when she’s being sincere or if she’s just convincing herself she’s being sincere. most of the time she only deceives other people about herself. she can come across as kind of elusive because of this ( think daisy from gatsby’s perspective ) but it’s not on purpose. she just legit has no true sense of self isnt that sexy?

speaking of sex. JWDBJWBDJWBD she also uses that as a coping mechanism / a weird affirmation that yes, she IS wanted by others and yes she IS seen as someone beautiful and that she IS something to be consumed by others ( like i said in my tags....male fantasies male fantasies ) but then at the same time she feels guilty abt this and so unsatisfied and disgusted at how she’s living her life as an object / manifestation of other people’s projections rather than as a normal person...rip </3 its a cycle

ever since her relationship with micah that was so hated by the public it actually ruined and ended their relationship, nari has been too scared to publicly have a relationship again. the media seems to love seeing her on casual dates with other stars, but not to see her tied down to one person, as that kind of “damages” this super accessible persona she’s put out ( think idols and why they cant date )  

she loves poetry, french music, all of marilyn monroe and audrey hepburn’s movies, nonfiction essays abt womanhood and identity, anything chanel, is particularly fond of silk dresses but is partial to velvet as well, wears lacy bralettes under everything bc it makes her a little more confident, actually prefers large parties to small ones because small gatherings are more personal therefore give her more anxiety, would only eat fruit and drink champagne if she could live like that, doesn’t know how to swim so she’s scared of the ocean as well as the dark, used to study ballet as a kid and misses it terribly, doesn’t know how to drive and isn’t planning to learn, can be materialistic at times, is probably an introvert masquerading as an extrovert for 22 years now, the only movies she cant stand are westerns, loves to travel but is scared of flying, doesn’t drink coffee, and is allergic to nuts. 

last but most important fact about narissa is that she loves her brother wolfe more than anything in this world so messing with him is the only way nari is bound to 100% hate you. she can bully him all she wants ( ex. starting very real rumors he IS in fact a furry ) but no one else is aloud to actually be mean to him or she will kill you

also very random but i had a hc that when she was 6 and her pet cat jinx died she caused enough fuss at home her parents actually made it a national holiday in about thirteen different states. the anniversary of this death is december 4th and yes . the brat pack better mourn jinx with nari every year......

pls spare plots im sorry this is so long.....JBDJBWJDBWJBWDJBJ i promise it will be worth it also im sensitive and very small ... how can u say no ? 

[sebastiianstan]

Tumblr content school: why you don’t always get notes and how to (potentially) get a bit more

So in recent weeks, I’ve seen quite a few posts floating around that centre around the same subject: content creators, mainly gifmakers, not gaining followers as quickly as they would like to and/or not getting as many notes on their original content as they would like to. Most recently I’ve seen people share their like-to-reblog ratio, with a call to users to also reblog content instead of just liking it, which would result in more exposure and recognition for the creator.

Now, while all of those feelings are perfectly valid and you’re obviously allowed to post whatever you like on your blog, the conversation around this is quite unnuanced and, at times, a bit uninformed. I’m not claiming to be some kind of expert, but having been a content creator (gifmaker) on this platform for quite a few years, with my own small share of popular gifsets floating around and having built both my own blog an two fansites/group blogs to at least moderate success, I do think I have a certain degree of insight re: getting notes, so I thought I’d put in my two cents. Please note that I’m not making this post to be condescending in any way, or even to tell you what to do/how to create content, but I thought I’d help as much as I can, based on my own experience.

Below the cut are 1. reasons why I think gifsets don’t always get the number of notes you wanted/expected them to, and 2. tips on creating and posting content in a way that will potentially get you more notes.

Why you might not be getting (a lot) of notes

So let’s start with some general trends re: gifsets not getting as many notes as you’d like/expect, and not as many as they would have maybe a few years ago.

1. Tumblr is past its peak

Based on experience, I’d say fandom Tumblr reached its peak in 2015-2016, and was riding that out in 2017. I’ve mainly been a Marvel blog in recent years, so I can’t speak for other fandoms, but Tumblr was... wild in the lead-up to and aftermath of Captain America: Civil War (2016). Wonder Woman (2017) was a similar situation on the DC side of things. 

New Marvel releases (like Ant-Man & The Wasp, Avengers: Infinity War and probably most notably, Black Panther) still get a lot of traction and fandom definitely isn’t dead on Tumblr, but I feel like 2015-2016 were definitely peak years. I only recently returned from a year-long hiatus; I stopped being active in late 2017 and even then my dashboard wasn’t quite as active as it was a year before that. Upon returning here about a month ago, most of my mutuals from back in the day had also become inactive and a lot of gifmakers I used to follow were not creating content anymore.

So it boils down to this: I think it’s very likely that the amount of active users within your fandom has diminished significantly as compared to two years ago. A set that may have gotten 10k notes within a few days in 2016 might now only get half of that.

2. The URL thing

This is a sad truth, but it does seem that having a semi-canon or canon url does at least help with getting a larger amount of notes on your content. I have no tips on getting a canon url (I got very, very lucky with this one), but this is a simple observation I have from over the years. Url trading/selling has basically become a genuine business due to this - canon urls are in high demand.

More importantly, what I can say is that it’s smart not to change your url too often. Becoming a popular content creator on this platform is basically the same as building a brand - and a brand has an easily recognized name. Once you have a url you are happy with, try to stick to it for a while. When you change your url, links break on reblogs of your old gifsets, by the way.

3. The like-to-reblog ratio has always been unbalanced

For as long as I can remember, posts have gotten more likes than reblogs. If your ratio is 2-to-1 or 3-to-1, trust me, you are doing perfectly well for yourself! Again, as with my first point, this might have gotten a bit more extreme since 2016, but it’s not a new thing.

4. Popular users support each other

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with this (in fact, I love that we all support each other), but yes, in general big/popular blogs are friends with each other and tend to reblog each other’s content, which can be discouraging for smaller or aspiring content creators on the platform.

However, please be aware that these big blogs built up the following they have by posting content for years and it just takes time. Also, know that most users on here actually really enjoy being tagged in your posts - so if you gif a movie or tv show you know a popular user (that you follow) likes, tag them in it and if it’s high quality content (I’ll touch on this later), they’ll probably reblog it.

Tips on getting more notes

Alright, on to part two: my personal tips on getting more notes. These are strictly based on my own experience, and as a repeat of my disclaimer earlier: I am genuinely trying to share my knowledge; none of this is with the intent of being a condescending know-it-all.

1. Don’t look like you’re complaining

No matter what the intent behind your post about your lack of notes and/or followers is, it’s very likely you’re going to come off entitled or ungrateful. I’ve personally unfollowed multiple users who post consistently about reaching their next thousand, who make angry/frustrated posts when their followers don’t increase as quickly as they’d like to, when they lose followers, etc. I understand that the hustle is frustrating, but posts like these are really quite annoying for your followers; you’re complaining about followers you don’t have to followers you do have, who are then more likely to unfollow you because it looks like you’re complaining. Your mutuals might understand why you’re posting this, but others probably don’t.

When it comes to posts about like-to-reblog ratios, which I’ve seen a fair few of recently, please consider a couple of things. 

When you ask people to reblog your post instead of liking it, you are essentially telling them what to put on their own blogs.

A lot of users on here have carefully curated content; while some users simply blog about everything they like, others stick to a certain set of subjects/movies/tv shows. If they see a post they like that doesn’t fall into those categories, they’ll give it a like to keep track of it and show their appreciation, but won’t put it on their blogs. You can’t tell people to reblog something they don’t want to.

You’re essentially asking people that you do not really personally care about to do something for you. Most of the likes you get on your post are likely from people that you do not follow yourself. I’m not saying that you hate your followers or don’t care for them, but you can’t really ask anything of a user that you don’t even follow yourself.

Look at it this way: Tumblr is basically a mini society, with its own market in the form of content creation. The ones who have a few thousand followers, and who get a few hundred or a few thousand notes on their posts are already the lucky ones. If you’re a user who gets hundreds/thousands of notes on their posts (even if it’s not as many as you like or deserve), you should keep in mind that the vast majority of users on here are small blogs that don’t have the traction that you have. If you post a screenshot of the like-to-reblog ratio on a post that has 2k notes, they’re going to think, “what on earth are you complaining about?”

Posts like these can really only backfire. I don’t think it’s likely that a lot of users will suddenly start reblogging instead of liking because of them. I know those posts are getting traction, because your mutuals and fellow content creators understand your frustration (believe me, I do too!), so they reblog/like/comment on it, but you’re essentially in an echo chamber of content creators. Anyone outside of that circle will not understand it and might unfollow you because of it.

2. Quality

Another disclaimer: I’m not implying that the people who have made posts about notes/followers don’t make HQ gifs. This is simply the “tips on getting notes” section of this particular post, so that’s what I’m doing. Veteran gifmakers can skip this section because I won’t be presenting anything new here.

Here’s the thing: high quality gifsets get notes. I know that what constitutes a HQ gif is subjective, but there is a consensus on this amongst big blogs, so I will summarize it below.

Make gifs from high-quality video sources. If 1080p is available, use that. Don’t gif from videos below 720p. Also, the larger the t*rr*nt file, the higher the quality. If a 1080p t*rr*nt from a movie is under 2GB in size, it’s probably not decent enough to gif from.

Use the new dimensions. Tumblr changed from 500px to 540px over 3 years ago now I believe, and all the big blogs use these dimensions. I rarely see sets like this anymore, but some users do still hold on to the old dimensions. Obviously, you should do what you like, but know that you’ll get more notes if you make the switch.

Do not skip frames. If you use screencaps, extract 25 frames per second. If you are an ‘Import video frames to layers’ kinda gal, like me, import all frames.

Sharpen your gifs! It makes an insane difference. My faq section links to a sharpening action.

Your frame delay should be 0.05. If you have a low amount of frames, you can get away with 0.06, but do not make your gif any slower than that. It will look unsmooth.

Go for natural coloring, where you simply brighten up the gif and enhance the colors (beware of whitewashing tho). I know that using PSD’s from resource blogs is tempting, but it’s very likely they will not work for the particular scene you’re giffing. It’s best if you learn to color yourself and adapt your coloring for every set. Also, it’s up to you what you think is pretty, but extremely vibrant and extremely pale coloring isn’t very popular anymore. Natural is the way to go. (This is with the exception of those gorgeous color edits people have been making recently. Y’all are queens & that shit is hard to make yo!)

If your gif is larger than the 3mb limit, NEVER sacrifice colors in the ‘Save for web’ window. Always delete frames to lower the size of your gif.

Just saying, but Photoshop CS5 has been known to make the best gifs.

For beginners out there, please don’t be discouraged. I’ve been making gifs for years, and they were absolute shit in the beginning. It just takes time to learn, but if you stick to it, you’ll get there.

3. Concept over quantity

Allow me to draw a comparison with YouTubers here - I think we all prefer YouTubers who post one well fleshed out video a week (for example, Safiya Nygaard) over YouTubers who post an okay video every day.

I think a lot of users think the way to get notes and followers is to post a gifset every day. This probably does work to an extent, but I personally think it’s better to come up with original concepts that you post every few days.

When you watch a movie, you can make five gifsets out of scenes from that movie, or you can come up with a concept. For example, parallels between scenes, parallels with other movies, the best lines of a certain character, etc. This takes more work, but sets like these are highly appreciated because they’re original, and they tend to get more notes.

This doesn’t apply to new releases, as you are probably among the first to gif a particular scene, but if you’re giffing a scene from a movie that’s been out for a while, you’re very likely not the first to do it. People will see it, realize they’ve already reblogged something very similar, and keep scrolling. But if you come up with a new idea, that’s what’ll get you more traction.

To give you a personal example; I recently rewatched all of the cap films. Now, I could have giffed popular scenes like “I could do this all day” or “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line”, but that’s been done before... a lot. Instead, I came up with this, and got 6.5k notes. I haven’t posted that many new sets on my blog recently, but posting content like that has gained me some followers and new mutuals.

4. Timing

All this requires is keeping an eye on your dashboard and taking note of when most of the people you follow are online. I sometimes see European content creators posting their sets smack dab in the middle of the day. Lemme tell y’all something: the Americans are sleeping.

I’m in timezone GMT+1. My dash wakes up around 5pm. I never post before 6pm - I’ll post anywhere between then and midnight, so feel free to convert that to your own timezone. The scheduling feature on posts comes in handy if you’ll be asleep or at school/work around that time.

If you post when Tumblr isn’t active, your set will drown in all of the other content, so be smart about timing.

5. Strategic tagging

It seems that a lot of users still don’t know this: only the first five tags on your post show up in tags on Tumblr. Anything past the first five will only be useful for your own tagging/archiving system, but will not show up in any tracked tags.

So first point: always use the most prominent edit tag for the fandom you’re posting in. Examples are #marveledit, #hpedit, #filmedit. These are frequently used, and often tracked by big blogs.

Second point: figure out who the big fansites/group blogs are, and if they track a tag, tag them. Make sure you follow them, obviously. If your post is funny, you might wanna tag bob-belcher (#bbelcher) as well - this blog is popular across fandoms and posts content from all over!

Third: tag users who you think will like your post. Don’t be thirsty with this. Again, only do this if you follow them. Tagging 2-3 users is ok, but don’t be out there tagging 8 to 10 blogs on your post. Not only is that a little pointless (because only the first five tags will show up), it also makes you look thirsty. Users might not appreciate this, and ultimately might not reblog your post because of that. Also, try not to tag the same users on every single one of your posts.

6. Popular content

If your fandom is niche, so is your content. That’s perfectly fine; don’t feel pressured to post about anything that isn’t your passion.

But if your goal really is to get more notes and followers, create content from fandoms that are big on the platform. Examples are Marvel, Harry Potter, Star Wars, film blogs, etc.

7. Join a fansite/group blog

Every big fandom on Tumblr has one or multiple fansites/group blogs. I recommend you figure out who they are for your fandom, and apply to one that’s accepting new members. You’ll likely get in if your gifs are HQ.

I know this sounds a bit counterintuitive, as you’ll be posting content on another blog that will be getting the notes and followers from it, but it actually is a good way to gain more exposure. These blogs have large amounts of followers, and they usually allow you to reblog your own content to them, as long as you’re active. I think it’s a great way to get your content out there.

Alright, time to wrap up this post. I’m not personally calling out anyone who has made posts about followers, notes, like-to-reblog ratios, etc. I’ve seen at least 15 of those posts in recent weeks so I’m just reacting to a trend I’m seeing, by presenting a potential solution to a problem people seem to be having. 

My last tip is this: if notes and followers on Tumblr are making you feel down or frustrated, maybe it’s time for a little hiatus or a step back. In the end, you are not getting paid for this and your popularity on the platform has no bearing on your real life. This is supposed to be a fun outlet for your passions and interests, not a source of frustration and anger. Don’t take it too seriously! You’re doing amazing sweetie.

[hippoland]

How to raise money from friends and family

Most VCs won't invest in startups super early.  There are some exceptions -- my company Hustle Fund tends to invest quite early, and so do a few of our peer funds at the pre-seed level.  But, there are only a handful of us, and 99%+ of startups won’t be able to raise money at this stage.  Alternatively, if you are a successful entrepreneur or have great connections, multi-stage VC funds will also invest super early in these types of founders.  

But for the vast majority of entrepreneurs, doing a friends and family round of funding during the earliest stages of a company is the primary way to raise money.  I know for many people, raising from friends and family doesn't come naturally.  Many entrepreneurs may feel like they don't know enough rich people to raise money from their network.  Many people -- would be investors -- you ask to invest may also feel like investing is only for the really rich.  It can also be confusing and awkward to ask people close to you to invest.  How do you even broach the topic?  Will the person be taken aback?  Will it ruin your relationship?

Here are some tactical tips from my personal experience that might be helpful:

1) Dedicate lots of time to fundraising.  

Fundraising, in general, takes a lot of time.  And, raising from friends and family is no different.  As I've written about previously, one of the biggest challenges in fundraising is that it just takes so much time to balance running a company and raising money.  

2) Set up "catch-up" meetings with friends and family.

It's really hard to know who will be interested in investing in your new venture.  Set up "catch-up" meetings with everyone who is smart, has means, and/or is well-connected.  In each of these meetings, you'll certainly "pitch" your new venture, but you are not necessarily looking to raise money from each of the people you meet with.  In some cases, you may only be looking to get introduced to more people who may be good to meet with.  

Pack these meetings into a limited period of time to maximize FOMO as well as maximize the efficiency of your fundraise.  

3) Be creative about your meetings.  

Your meetings could be coffee catch-ups.  But in other cases, maybe you cook brunch at your home and invite people over.  Or maybe you invite a lot of people over at the same time.  In other cases yet, you may want to do a group social activity -- it could even be bowling.  Whatever works for you and what you think your friends / friends-of-friends / family may like doing to make your meeting less formal.

Your meetings don't have to be stiff coffee meetings.  

4) You are always "pitching" even if not formally.

You should have a deck ready to show on your phone or computer but you don't always need to use it.  I find that at the earliest stages, people are mostly investing in you.  

Make sure that at some point in all your catch-up meetings you mention:

You are starting a new company

One line about why it will change the world -- think very high level here.  

That you are raising money for the company

That you are raising only from friends and family

Casually ask if he/she would like to invest or if he/she knows 1-2 people who might be interested in potentially investing or may know other potential investors

It is important to get each person you talk with very excited about your business.  I find that one of the biggest mistakes entrepreneurs make in pitching their high level ideas is that they say too much about what their product idea does.  E.g. "I'm starting a new social network that will combine Facebook, Snap, Instagram, WhatsApp, WeChat, and LINE all in one place."  or "I'm starting a new AirBnB for retired people."  This isn't very exciting.  The only person excited about your product mechanics is you.  BUT, you can get people excited about outcomes.  "E.g. I'm building a new social network that will bring people globally closer together -- so that people in India can talk with people from Japan."  or "I'm starting a new type of housing platform so that older people don't need to live in stodgy sad retirement homes and can live a vibrant independent life."

When pitching to people who do not invest for a living (i.e. non fund managers), it's important to explicitly mention that you are raising money and that you want their help.  This could mean that they could help introduce you to other people and/or that they could invest.  

There are a lot of people on the internet who say you should ask for advice and not money.  IMO, this is really awful advice.  Most people who do not invest for a living -- even active angels -- don't realize they are being asked to consider your idea as an investment if you don't ask for their help in raising money.  If you are talking with your dentist about your new startup, his/her first thought is not, "Oh I wonder if I can invest?" or even, "I would never invest in this."  His/her first thought will be, "Oh cool, John/Jane Doe has a new career.  I'm going to make a mental note that he/she has left Cisco and is now working for himself/herself."  They don't see themselves as investors, and so you need to explicitly make the ask if you want an investment.  You cannot just assume that people will volunteer to invest.

So your conversation might end up going something like this:

"So yeah, lots of new changes.  I left Cisco, and I'm now starting a company.  We are trying to do ABC in the world, and if we're successful, DEF will happen.  Right now I'm raising some money from friends and family to achieve XYZ goals.  I wanted to see if you might be interested in potentially investing or know 1-2 individuals who might be interested and good to talk with?"

(Please don't monologue.  But, those are the rough talking points that you need to bring up.)

At this point in the conversation, you are making the ask only to see if the person will consider investing.  (Or knows someone who might be good to talk with). You are not asking for a commitment.  

It is important to mention that you are raising money from friends and family.  A lot of people have in their heads that entrepreneurs raise money from funds and don't realize that at the earliest stages friends and family have the opportunity to invest in your company and also get the best deal.  This is what you need to educate would-be investors on.  

A lot of people also think that investors need to be super rich in order to invest.  This is also not true and also what you need to educate people on.  

When you are first starting to raise money, my personal strategy is to set a lower minimum check size and generate momentum.  This makes investing very accessible to many professionals.  I know lots of "angels" who invest $1k-$10k per deal.  I think many people think that angels need to put in at least $25k per deal, but that is simply not true anymore.  Now, you as an entrepreneur, may not want a lot of people to put in less than $25k, because it will mean you have to do a lot of meetings.  But when you are first starting out AND if you don’t have a strong investor network, it may be worthwhile to accept some smaller checks just to be able to get the flywheel going and also to be able to say Bob or Mary has invested in your company to generate buzz with subsequent conversations.  Once you start to get checks in the door, you may want to increase the minimum.  As a result, investing in startups is actually accessible to many people in your network.  They just don't think about it that way, and it's your job to change that mindset.

5) You are selling more than your company

At the earliest stages, people are investing in you.  There are other things you can do to sweeten the deal.  One of the things that we do at Hustle Fund is we do a meetup for all of our investors in our fund multiple times a year.  It's an opportunity for them to meet and get to know each other.  In general, well curated / exclusive networking events are a really good draw for people to participate in things (as I wrote about here as a tip for getting speakers for a conference).  People always want to get to know other rich and well-networked people.  If your initial minimum is say $10k, then not only is someone buying a stake in your company, but he/she could also potentially be buying into a network.  And you can facilitate this for free / cheap.  You can host these in an office space for free.  And pizza / wine / cheese / crackers are pretty cheap.  

People who invest in you -- especially friends and family -- are buying an experience.  They are not just buying a transaction.  Make that journey / experience a good one.  

6) Do a formal pitch & call-to-action if someone is interested

From the catch up meeting, if someone is interested in learning more, you can either dive into details right then and there (preferable if you all have the time) or set up another time to talk.  

This is where it's important to have a pitch deck / materials ready.  At the end of this pitch, try to push for a yes or a no.  In many cases, people will need to think about your deal, but, if the person you're speaking with is ready to commit, have a SAFE / convertible note ready to sign.  

7) Be transparent

Once an investor has committed but he/she hasn't invested in a startup before, it's important that you clearly outline the risks.  I would say something like this, "I am flattered that you are going to join our round.  And I think this is a great opportunity.  But I really want to emphasize that investing in a startup like this is an incredibly risky endeavor.  I could potentially lose all your money, and there is a high probability of failure."  People usually appreciate this level of transparency, and I've never known anyone to back out, but I think that it's important to highlight this in case/when things go awry down the road.  In fact, psychology suggests that in many cases, when things are slightly pulled away from you, you only want them more.  

8) Re-assure friends/family that it's ok not to invest

If you sense that someone feels awkward when you're asking for his/her help, it's important to re-assure him/her that it's ok not to participate.  You might find yourself in a dialogue like this:

"Oh...oh.  Well, I don't really have any money to invest." "A couple of thoughts -- 1) First off, I value our friendship/relationship above all else.  So, I don't want to put you in a tough position.  If this isn't a good fit, that is totally cool.  I just wanted to give you an opportunity that I think is great.  2) I also want to mention that since this is a friends/family round, we have a low-ish minimum of X.  I don't know if that changes things, but just wanted to highlight that."

It's really important for the sake of your relationship with the person to re-assure him/her that it's ok not to invest.  This is an opportunity you are presenting and that's it.  

9) Don't run out of leads

The best piece of advice that I received when I was raising money for Hustle Fund was from Charles Hudson, who also runs a pre-seed fund called Precursor.  He said, "Don't run out of leads."  This is very good advice -- if you have infinite leads (and time), you won't have to worry about being rejected as you go along, and that is exactly the mentality you should have going into and throughout your fundraise.  

When I was a first time entrepreneur years ago, I remember being incredibly afraid of rejection.  I didn't push people to a yes or a no for most of my raise.  By having the attitude that you have infinite leads, then you will force all potential investors you're talking to into a "yes" or "no" answer.  And this is a good thing.  A “no” means you can stop wasting your time with someone who isn’t going to commit.  

But it also means that you need to keep generating leads to have enough potential investors fill your round.  And as you go along, this gets harder, because you'll start with people in your network who are closest to you first and then you’ll work outwards and chat with people who may be friends of friends of friends who don't know you at all.  This is why it's so important to constantly ask everyone you talk with for 1-2 names / intros of folks they would recommend talking with...because you can't run out of leads.  

Now another typical piece of advice that you often hear is, "Never take an intro from someone who doesn't invest."  I would say this is true of VCs.  This is NOT true of non-professional investors -- angels / friends / family.  VCs have funds to invest out of, and it’s their job to invest money.  If they pass, then there is something that they didn't like about your business, and that's a negative signal.  If I were running a startup, I would not take an intro from a VC who passed.  But angels are different.  They don't necessarily have pools of money that they need to invest.  If an angel passes, it could be because he/she wants to set aside money to repair the roof on his/her house.  Or save some extra money for his/her kid's private school.  Or take a fancy vacation.  Or buy a new car.  Angels can do whatever they want with their money, including not invest.  So, if an angel passes, that isn't a knock on your business per se, and most people understand that.  Also, angels run out of money all the time -- they may have been active before, but until that portfolio becomes liquid, then an angel may be tapped out of funds even if he/she wants to invest in your business.  So, definitely ask for intros to other potential investors from individuals.  

I usually try to ask for 1-2 introductions, because it's a small but anchored ask.  If the ask is too broad such as, "If you can think of anyone who might like to invest...", then no one will think deeply about it.  "Can you think of 1 person who might be interested in taking a look at this?"  Asking for just 1-2 leads is a small task, and almost everyone can think of one specific person he/she knows who may be interested in chatting with you.  

Pulling together a friends and family round is a bit of a crapshoot and takes a long time.  Part of the challenge is in identifying which people are interested in investing in you and has some money to do so.  But, I've found that it's hard to predict who will end up joining your round.  The richest people are not necessarily the most bought into the opportunity nor are they necessarily investing a lot into startups.  In fact, many super rich people are a bit risk-averse, because they want to preserve their wealth.  Conversely, many people whom you may discount as not having much money may actually be really bought in, and in fact, I’ve found that people who are not super rich tend to also be more risk-taking, because they want to become super rich.  So, in the end, you’ll just need to meet with a ton of people.  And, you'll need to do a lot of meetings, but raising a friends and family round even if you’re not well-connected can be done.

Fundraising is a nebulous process that I aim to make more transparent.  To learn more secrets and tips, subscribe to my newsletter.

[aimmyarrowshigh]

this is super weird, but can you tag pics of female celebrities with something? I have [50pics] blocked already, but stuff has started slipping through.

So, I have been thinking about this request and how to address it for six hours since you sent it, and I’m going to give a stupidly long answer, and then a few potential solutions. If I come across gruff or angry or frustrated or ANYTHING like that, it’s not the tone I “mean” at all, I’m just trying to think this through and answer the best I can.

First: I have never said no to anyone’s request for a tag in the past, no questions asked.

But.

My answer is… no, because it feels fundamentally wrong to me to make it possible to consume any kind of content I either create or curate in a way that would erase the presence of women.

Because I don’t have any context for this request other than “I don’t want to see women,” I am going to say no. I’ve been thinking and thinking about it since you sent this, truly and really considering, and the idea of making it possible to view content that I curate or create – whether that’s my doofy pointless blog, my fanfiction, or anything I write that isn’t fic – in a way where it’s easy for anyone to ignore or erase the presence of women and the influence of women on the lens through which I’m creating and curating content… it makes my stomach hurt.

I post women – including “female celebrities,” I guess? – in pretty much every context of my blog. I prefer female characters. I prefer woman-fronted music groups, and women musical artists. I prefer female book characters, and I try to consume 95%+ books written by female authors. My undergraduate thesis was on female sexuality in marketing and fandom and the reclamation of female sexual desire by teenage girls, and my masters’ thesis was about women’s language and the subversive linguistic creation of teenage girls and how adults, even adult women, too often end up objectifying girls and women through the inherent patriarchal quality of prescriptivist English. Like. Women and girls are what I care about in this world. They’re the main focus of everything I do, even when not posting them specifically.

The idea of making it possible to follow anything I create, or curate, in a way that even superficially erases their image or presence just… is not okay with me? My gut reaction is the same as whenever people complain about how 99.6% of the time when I write slash, it’s with an assumption of bi- or pansexuality of the male main characters, and I include significant relationships (sexual or romantic or platonic or familial, but always significant portions of the text) between the male mcs and women. It’s the same as whenever Slash Fandom, as a construct, devalues or diminishes the role of female characters to the point where including them in fannish content or meta or readings of canon is a bad thing. It’s stupid-important to me that women, real and fictional, exist in everything I do and consume.

And part of that is: yes, because I’m a lesbian, and yes, many of the female celebrities I post are ones that I find attractive. But I also consciously and doggedly try to promote and support women artists’ work, whether they’re visual artists, actors, writers, models, singers, musicians, illustrators – whatever. I post their pretty faces, but I also put my money where my mouth is and try to keep up with promoting and posting and showing off and squeeing over their work content, too. It’s important to me, and it’s a key feature of what I try to blog.

If a day goes by where I’m not posting about ANY work done by women, assume I am dead, tbh.

BUT SOLUTIONS FOR YOU:

First, if that ISN’T what you meant with this request, PLEASE write back (it can be on anon still! Totally fine!) and just be like “I meant I don’t want to see leotards or midriffs or cleavage” or something, and that’s totally workable. I know that since I don’t have to go into an office or school since I work from home, I’m probably lax on making sure I tag n/s/f/w or “not safe for Ramadan” or whatever the case there is.

Also, I DO tag obsessively, and my tags page includes everyone and everything that I have posted at least 3 times in the 7 years since I’ve started my blog, because I DO want people to be able to blacklist content that they don’t want to see. I’m in the process of reorganizing and correcting some older tags on my blog, so I’m about ~four months behind, so the Black Panther stars are not on my tags page yet, but otherwise: feel free, I guess, to blacklist all of the individual women and girl groups that I have listed. But no, I’m not going to make it easier to strike “women” as a whole, as a crucially important feature of my viewpoint on the world, from my blogfeed.

My blog, minus “women,” would just be… it would be something I would never intentionally put out into the world?

Additionally, for why stuff may seem like it’s slipping through tags: [50pics] was never a tag for “this is the only time women appear on my blog,” it’s just the tag for the specific graphics/edits that I do for that edit series – fifty photos of [whichever woman it is]. But that’s never been the only time or series in which I’ve posted women, and it isn’t meant to be a substitute for it. (But definitely keep blacklisting it if you want to! I DO tag obsessively and with an intense amount of tag organization, so FOR the 50 Pics edits series, that is the finalized tag and will be on all of those posts.)

Otherwise… like, I’m… fine with losing followers? I post my blog content 80% for me and 30% for the idea that other people want to see it, with like, a 10% assumption of overlap between “stuff I like” and “stuff other people would like,” honestly. I don’t put emotional energy into the idea of “mutuals culture,” either, so even if we’ve been mutuals for years and years, if you don’t like my content and don’t want to just blacklist my username: PLEASE feel free to unfollow me, because I don’t want to make YOUR self-curated experience WORSE because I’m curating my own experience my way, you know?

[avesnongrata]

Can I ask for all of the writer asks for Gone to the Dogs? If that's too much then just number 7 please

Yussss I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Thanks for the opportunity!

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?It started off as a roleplay! We were talking blackhill meta, and it turned into Nat (me) and Maria (Woodface) getting into a fist fight over the fact that Maria didn't tell Nat that Fury was alive. Once we got going with that scene, we realized hey! this is really fun. We decided to try a few other scenarios, seeing what we could come up with. When we started, we didn't intend to share it with anyone else; it was just something we were doing for fun. I don't remember the exact point where I realized we had something really good going, but I do remember saying to Woodface, "you know, if we polished this up and put it on the internet, I think people would go nuts for it." She took a little convincing, but by the time the infamous scene in the gym came along, we agreed we needed to share it.

2: What scene did you first put down?We decided I'd write Nat's POV, Woodface would write Maria's, we'd stick them in a room together, and we'd see what happened. That's all the planning we put into it to begin with. The whole fic happened chronologically after that.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?It's too long a fic to pick out any single line as a favorite... I've got a soft spot for Ch 4: Down Time (both my bit and Woodface's bit) and Ch 25: Run For It. I'm also really proud of the big fight scene between Maria and reverted-back-to-Natalia Natasha in Ch 38. Maria headbutting Nat in the face and then Nat pretending she was gonna shoot Maria so she could shoot the guards instead? Epic.  

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?> obvs! see also:Mine: "If you could do something - anything - right now, what would it be?" (That whole conversation, really)Woodface's: "Fucking hell, Romanoff. There's fuck them and leave them, and then there's you." (That whole exchange, too)

5: What part was hardest to write?The whole shore leave arc was hardest for me. I had some personal issues going on at the time, so I was in the absolute wrong headspace for writing domestic fluff or intimacy. Funnily enough, I had no problem writing the fucked up fight!sex in the gym, but the good, sweet, nice sex in Maria's apartment was like pulling teeth for me. I knew Nat wanted it and was ready for it, but it was very hard to write it like that. It was hard to keep my own feelings from infecting Natasha's. I kept having to rewrite things because they were too angsty, or I would have to write through the feeling of my skin crawling.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?Aside from being my first (and only) collaborative work? GttD was the fic that made me believe I am a good writer. Now I'm in the process of writing an original novel and several comics with the hope of getting something published eventually. I don't know if I'd have the guts to try if it weren't for GttD. Being able to start and finish a project like that, not to mention getting all the amazing feedback from the best fandom I could imagine? Life-changing. Truly.

7: Where did the title come from?You know, I still don't really know. It was supposed to be a placeholder. It's the title Woodface gave the google doc when we were first messing around with the roleplay, and it just sort of stuck. I think it fits, though. Gives the whole thing a sense of 'well fuck, this is gonna be a hot mess. bring it on.'

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?Not really? Not that I am aware of, or was aware of at the time. I think I probably got the idea for stealing Maria's shirts from a story my mom tells from when she was in college, but it wasn't a conscious decision on my part. (It's a great story: she stole aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll her hallmate's clothes while he was in the shower, then she put them all on reserve in the library.)

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?Hoo boy, yes. There were a couple of times we'd get into a scene and realize, oops this isn't going anywhere fun or useful, so we'd back up and try again. For example, we wrote a whole sex scene in the showers after their very first sparring match in chapter 8. However, at that point in the story they were nowhere near ready for it. Not even close. Scrapping that scene was a great decision, even though it was super fun to write. Maybe I'll polish it up as a deleted scene/bonus material.Most notably, the entire ending is way different than I'd originally intended. At first, Natasha was just going to be wrong about SHIELD orchestrating her relationship with Maria. It was all supposed to be paranoia on her part. She ran away. Fury brought her back. She was humiliated. Maria was hurt. Simple as that. Nat fucked up, and it destroyed all the trust and understanding they had between them. The story was supposed to end with them breaking up because of it. I know, I know, that's cruel. I wanted to do a sequel where they fall out of touch for a while, and then get thrown back together as part of the Avengers Initiative. I wanted to explore them working through their old grudges and hurt feelings, learning how to work together again, rediscovering their connection and attraction, falling back in love. (my very favorite fic ever - a series I rank up there with my favorite books ever - did something similar. The emotional impact was spectacular.) Obviously, that didn't happen. Woodface wasn't into the idea, and we both agreed it was better to wrap up the story in a single fic rather than attempting a sequel. We still needed a way to get past the shattered trust, hence the whole Red Room chemical programming story arc.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?I was in love with them! Really, there was no way this story would have happened to any other characters. Blackhill got me back into the fic writing game after years of no writing whatsoever. They're still my best inspiration.

11: What do you like best about this fic?The fandom! I never imagined it would catch on so thoroughly. I never thought I'd get to be a part of such an amazing, interactive experience. Story-wise, I think I'm proudest of 1) the sex scene that did absolutely nothing to resolve the sexual tension between them and 2) the plot twist of having Natasha run away due to her super sinister chemical programming.

12: What do you like least about this fic?tbh if I had to go back and change it, I'd probably try to streamline the ending. There's a lot of fluff in there, and it does weird things to the pacing. I was okay with keeping it because GttD is fanfiction (we WANT to see all the cuddling and touching and kissing and love declarations!) but I'm well aware that it's not exactly the best storycraft.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?Oh man, I really need to get off my ass and curate a more cohesive playlist. In the meantime, here's this one.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?I wanted people to love blackhill! I still get comments about how GttD sold people on Maria and Natasha as a ship. I love love love knowing my work helped bring new people into the fandom. It's a great feeling.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?The whole thing was a lesson in improv and character consistency. By the time we got to the end of each arc, we'd already shared the beginning, thus it was canon and unchangeable. We had to move forward without getting to go back and alter any of the plot or character beats that we'd already established. It was quite the challenge, but it was really fun. I'm amazed how well the whole story ended up coming together, considering how unplanned it was.

[jauneflowers]

Coming Out

I had been thinking about how to launch this blog for months. I considered the fact that my first post would say everything about the tone of this blog, what I wanted to achieve and who I am as a writer. Deciding this narrowed down my subject matter somewhat, but still left me staring blankly at finished writing unconvinced that this was the way to debut my work. Sitting at the computer to curate something new felt forced, and my brain felt drained of drive. Over the months of preparation, I felt my creative brain waste away and be left with a husk unable to deal with writing from the heart. That was, until, a small mundane event told me exactly what I needed to write. Something personal, something about being Trans. As Pride Month comes to a close, I would like to tell you my most recent coming out story. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, after being out socially for almost 10 years, I decided to come out to my mother as trans, and I would like to tell you this story. 

The inciting incident for realising I’d like to put pen to paper- or rather, fingers to keys- was when a poster fell from my wall. My room is littered with artefacts that are symbols of my queerness and icons of my identity I hold dear. My collection of Bee Illustrates posters (you should support her work here: https://www.beeillustrates.com/), a postcard of Marilyn Monroe from Gays The Word, a print of Travis Alabanza (you should support their work here: http://travisalabanza.co.uk/) face each other as totems of what I deem important as my inspirations. Under the poster of Travis Alabanza is a coming-out letter. On these hot summer nights, nothing seems to stick, and when I woke this morning I found the letter scattered to the floor. When I picked it up, I thought fondly of when I got it. It’s an A3 poster of the coming-out letter by the character Mouse in the book More Tales of the City, authored by Armistead Maupin. It’s even signed by Maupin, too, as it’s based off of his own coming out letter. I bought it at an event called “An Evening with Armistead Maupin” at the Southbank Centre. I had gone by myself, a nervous wreck throughout the whole experience, and had bought this poster as a reminder to do something important for my growth later. Tales of the City had always been a role model to me, an example of moves to take for myself. After all, the series Tales of the City came to me in a very interesting time of my life. I had just broken up from an incredibly unhealthy relationship and lost a lot because of it. I was growing up very fast due to how that relationship had kept me infantilized, working a job that I had to bury myself so far into the closet with, in fear of what might happen when I did come out and was realising some of my personal friendships were changing beyond repair. Things were not as I knew them for the last 2 years and Tales of the City gave me some neon signposts to follow when I did not know where to take myself next. 

I thought all about this when I held that poster this morning, thought about how I came so far in a short amount of time, and was only seeing it go backwards now.  I thought about how this poster held so much importance. I had to make tangible a coming-out experience that really has changed me as a person and the reaction that rehashed a lot of trauma. What follows next is some background, and what I wrote exactly. It also speaks on alcoholism and abuse, so if that is not what you wish to read, turn back now. 

You see, when I say I bought this poster for my own growth, I meant it. The coming out letter was written by Mouse, within fiction, to tell his parents he is gay. I found myself in a similar situation to Mouse. He’s an adult, living independently, finding the path for him in a world that shells a lot of shit his way. He’s out, proud, vocal, and yet he hasn’t come out to his parents. I am also an adult, I am also living independently, I am also getting shelled a lot of shit my way, I am also out, proud, vocal and yet I also haven’t told my only parent I am trans. In his situation, Mouse decides to write them a letter. He could have picked up the phone, visited, but he knew this was the right way to convey himself. I knew I wanted to do the same. 

I worried when writing this that someone would call the act of writing a letter, and this kind of fictional inspiration, “useless drama”. Why not just call my mother? Why not just text? Visit? Well. I want to start with that I had not spoken to my mother in a while when I made this decision. I changed my last name, to cut ties with abuse and to cut ties with a family name that made me feel dysphoric, and I had decided to do the right thing and tell her what I intended to do, before it was done. When I told her over the phone of my intention, she told me it was fine but then proceeded not to speak to me for weeks. When I did hear from her, try to call her, text her, I’d often get cryptic messages, no response or an answer like the one shown here.

To go back even further, to understand why I couldn’t just pull up my socks and call her anyway, you must also understand that my mother is an alcoholic. A binge drinker. Something that I had had to be exposed to since before I was a teen. I learned very quickly that texting was out of the question because her responses often weren’t as lucid as what is shown here, calling was no good because not only could she just not answer or put the phone down, I did not want to talk to a drunk person on the phone about my gender. For once, I wanted to be in control about the way I came out, have control over this facet of my life. So, I thought about Mouse and decided I would write her a letter. One she could not ignore, that also allowed me to explain myself and write from the heart, if I could find the words. 

I remember sitting alone in my flat, agonizing over what to write. I wrote draft after draft and nothing was good. The longer I took to put pen to paper, the longer it had been since we talked, and I had begun not fielding her random texts or calls in fear of her drunkenness. I realised it was not fair to go so long without communication, and I turned to the only inspiration I had: Mouse’s letter. It was a late evening as I sat with a pen, some paper and the poster on the table, reading over what Mouse wrote. I tried not to lift it word for word, but it often said it better than I could have. Do I think it was cheesy? Do I think I could have thought of something better if I agonized over it for a few more days? Yes and yes. But time was not on my side and sometimes cheese is all you’ve got. 

“Dear Mum,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to contact you properly. Every time I try I realize I’m not telling you the truth. I realize that some of my life decisions may have upset you or seemed foolish because you haven’t really met me. That would be ok if I loved you any less than I do, but you are still my parent and I am still your child. 

If I'm honest, I'm scared to write this letter. These words on page have been waiting to be actualized. Said to you in some form since I was 12. They were withheld, not because I think you are hateful, because you loved and accepted me when I came out as gay. They were withheld because I hate the unknown. If you know me at all, you will know the fear of the unknown crushes me every day.

I might have never told you the following, if it were not for your radio silence after I said I’d be changing the rest of my name. I almost didn't tell you that, either. I told you many reasons for changing my name. Professionalism. Uniqueness. These are true, but the most important reason is because I am Transgender. More specifically, I am a Non-Binary person. Which is to mean am not a man. Not a woman. I am a person who lives in between those binaries. I use they/them pronouns. So, when people refer to me they may say, “This is Jayne, they study sociology.” 

I’m sorry. Not for who I am, being Non-Binary, but for how you must feel right now. I won’t put words in your mouth or project an idea onto you, but I want you to know. This is not a phase. This is who I have always been. And, if you want to love or loath me, at least love or loath your queer, Non-binary child; 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers. 

London has made me feel safer. I have people who are like me, who use the correct pronouns, who treasure me and see me as Non-binary. London never made me queer but it sure did queer me. I can do what I truly want here. But that didn’t ease the ache in my heart when you soured at a new change to me. I know that you may have been happier if I had just come out and said the damn thing. For that, I am sorry. 

There’s not much else to say, except that you know me so much better now. I have never done anything consciously to hurt you. I never will. 

Please don’t feel you have to answer right away. It’s enough, for now, to no longer lie to someone who has taught me to value the truth. Anna Madrigal once said, “There is only the truth.” 

People here send their love.

Your child, 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers”

I want to finish the story by telling you what happened next. I made the poor decision to tell my mother I’d sent a letter. Why was it poor? Because she spent a week insulting me, bombarding me with texts asking what it was, and if I couldn’t say it on the phone it wasn’t important. It didn’t matter to her how I explained my reasons for choosing a letter, because she didn’t accept it as an answer. Allegedly the letter didn’t arrive, and I had to go through the pain of writing and sending another, it taking even longer to reach her, and her finally receiving it. The two weeks this spanned across were hell for me. 

I wish the call about the letter had happened over text, because in my mind it just turns sour so fast. I was already on edge, vulnerable and angry, due to the situation and the weeks leading up to it. My mother told me she accepted ‘what’ I was, and spoke about me as if I was a thing, an item, a creature. At least, that is how I felt. With a somewhat positive outcome, despite her words, I expressed wanting to try and fix our relationship and address her alcoholism now that I was fully out to her. It had driven an irreparable wedge between us, and if I was on a streak of being honest, I wanted to let it continue. As you can imagine, that did not go down well. I will not delve too deeply into conversations after this to save her some privacy. However, it is needless to say they were not positive ones. The true breaking point was when these conversations turned into her insisting I was only angry because of my coming out, because of my own transness. Not, you know, her alcohol abuse or the decade-long emotional abuse and trauma caused by it. My coming out was weaponized against me on several occasions, used almost as a tool of doublethink whenever I brought up any actual issues. 

I supposed writing this was as cathartic as it was a cautionary tale. I came out, but at what price? With the other factors that adorned my relationship with my mother, would this have happened anyway? Was the familial estrangement that happened a month later, which I will recall on another occasion, worth my own gender freedom? If you come out of the closet for sexuality, do you crawl out of the cupboard under the stairs for gender? I had clambered out of said closet and ended up in that cupboard, and I know I am always better for opening the door again, even if it only adds to my trauma. 

When I finished writing this, I took up the note from Mouse again to read over it once more, comparing it to my own. A thought struck me, and I suppose hindsight is 20/20, which is why I wear reading glasses. Mouse did not continue his coming out journey completely unscathed. His parents had a very similar reaction, so perhaps I should have seen this all coming. There are lots of things you don’t see until you need to see them. Like, as I thumbed over the paper of this poster, I realised after owning this for all this time I had never noticed there was an image of San Francisco impressed onto the page. It made me smile because I feel like I couldn’t see it until now, until writing this. I hope through writing this and sharing it as I begin a wider writing journey, new truths about coming out and living my life authentically will be revealed to me, too. And I hope after reading this the same can be done for you, too. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, I chose no longer to lie about who I am to those I cared about. This was my coming out story.