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softgrungeprophet · 1 year ago

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i write obviously, i took a lot of language and linguistics classes in college. it's a mix of art, science, it's deeply intertwined with anthropology and culture

anyway

it's rare (but possible; there are no universals in language) that a word is brought into the world bad. a word is a tool. it can be used to describe, to free, to find community and like minds (whether going on the adhd subreddit or being like, wow i'm gay too, let's chat) and of course it can also be used cruelly or twisted, to hurt people and confine them. words old and new can be used for all kinds of purposes of varying shittiness, varying goodness, varying neutralities...

but it's the people behind the words, not the words themselves making them tools/weapons/beauty etc.

on the one hand this means there are always new ways to use words and new words to exist, for better and for worse, and on the other hand this means that the problem is rarely the word itself (though obviously slurs are a bit more complicated in that regard) (and rarely straightforward among the people they are applied to) and rarely is a cultural or social problem addressed by something as black and white as "stop making words, stop using words, stop labeling experiences"--etc etc, take your pick of argument

the thing is, with words... is that stuff like that (restriction of any and all descriptions) is never going to happen (and if it did, that would be bad, imo), that's what words are and what language is

i think the most key thing i've ever kept in mind both during and beyond my language studies (and my general passion for linguistics, even as very much a low level non-professional--a hobbyist with a BA, if you will) is that words, grammar, intonation, all of it--language is context.

that might legitimately be the only universal in language now that i think about it lol. context. it's key--KEY--to meaning, to intention, to metaphor and color and poetry and all these other things. What language are you speaking? that's context. the fact that i'm writing this in english is context. it tells you how the letters and words i'm using should be interpreted.

context is the way language joins with culture (in all interpretations of the word: community, sexuality, ethnicity, class, etc.), with humanity and so on. they're linked so closely imo. this why any language class that's even halfway decent will generally have small mini-lessons, side paragraphs, tangents, about the culture in which they're spoken. Why IS this idiom? What DOES this word's use need? (though of course at a certain point you get into etymology there and ime most classes won't go too deep into that lol. it's essentially an entire field.)

now, listen, I don't buy into the sapir whorf stuff. for the most part, i think they were full of shit. at least when the hypothesis is taken to its most strict reaches. its highest concreteness. (not that there isn't sooome aspect of truth; i don't necessarily discount the hypothesis entirely and linguistic censorship and control 100% is a real, fashy thing, it's just... what i said. people make new words and find ways to talk about things they don't have words for. i don't think the nonexistence of a single or a few words necessarily prevents the entirety of a concept from existing, personally, though i won't argue that it can't mold perception or anything like that. what is propaganda after all...)

i'm rambling.

you know, last year around 8 months ago, a year or so after i first got diagnosed with adhd (was almost 28 at the time, am now 29 (and a half), took me... 5 years to find someone who would do anything) i was looking around, because i was physically allowed to begin stimulant medications after a couple of years of some serious health issues that prevented me from being prescribed anything other than non stimulants (probably reasonable at the time but still frustrating)--i went on reddit (i know 😂 but it's not that kind of story) to see what others' experiences were like.

the recurring thing people would say most often, of course, is that everyone on the board is different, that everyone's experiences will be (have been, are) different. not just medication but holistically. ADHD may have many commonalities but nonetheless, everyone's brain is different.

the other thing was me looking at threads of people saying, "am i the only one who does this?" and "no one i've ever met irl has this thing" and then seeing dozens of people say, yes i do this too, i also have not been able to meet other people doing this, i also thought i was alone,

and so on. little struggles and strangenesses that often felt like a pressure from everyone around them (us) irl asking why can't you just do X? (if you just cared more/tried harder) and you get a bunch of people saying, you're not actually alone, we're all here and not all of us do that but here are six or twelve or twenty or two hundred people who do.

it's funny because until my mid twenties (around senior year of college i think is when i began to look into it, thanks to posts i had seen online describing various aspects of adult adhd, adhd in girls, etc (not that i necessarily go with "girl" atm)) i had no word for describing what i was.

but the thing is i could tell there was something. so without the word to actually find other people like me or to learn about ADHD in a practical way, what i ended up with was not a lack of boxing myself in or of confining myself to a label. lol. lmao. prior, without "ADHD" as a reference point, what i had for myself was instead, "lazy" and "stupid" and "broken."

i don't trust any post that declares a cure to a cultural issue being to remove a word or words. rarely if ever will that solve anything. what it almost definitely will do, however, is deprive. when you do not have a word you can share with anyone else, it is very hard to find people who are like you (bisexual, ADHD, possibly a "drop of autism" as one of my therapists said) but people, including yourself, will still notice the things that make you yourself. that's the context, so where are the words?

(you know something funny? in either 6th or 8th grade (i only remember it was not 7th because we were in a different building in 7th grade) a friend of mine, in the gym, named Sadie, asked me "are you autistic?" Because she noted that i almost never make eye contact. i told her no. now, of course, with an unquestionably autistic younger brother (and me finally w an ADHD diagnosis like... 10 years later) all of us have begun to wonder about for example me and my sister but also about others in our family. we are a strange bunch. for some of us it's definitely ADHD, though some of my uncles are dyslexic, and for others... well you know how it is lol)

anyway what the fuck was i saying (how the fuck do i get my gboard to recognize context and stop suggesting "duck" no matter how many times i delete it?)

i just think it's always key to remember that the thing about words is that it's how you use them.

("born this way" is not innately a confinement; it was made that way out of a phrase intended to mean "this is who i am and there is nothing wrong with me"--not to restrict oneself to being only one immutable thing but to say I Was Born Me. Who "me" is doesn't have to be set in stone) (that's how i feel at least)

#i will leave reblogs on for now but this is not really a debate post it is a musing post #so please don't try to debate me. i am not here to make logic arguments. i'm just chillin.#nadia rambles #long post

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lambourngb · 2 years ago

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fanfic origin story

I was tagged by @ravens-words - thank you! 💖 [Quick aside: Everyone should go read EJ’s new hangster kidfic right now!!! If you like Top Gun Maverick at all ]

What was your first fandom (reading and/or writing)? Reading: X-Files was my first fandom. I was actually a Mulder/Scully shipper in season 1 - Paula Graves “12 Degrees of Separation” that I found on a USENET server, before getting into Mulder/Krycek on a mailing list.

Writing: I posted Smallville Clark/Lex as my first posted stories… but I wrote a ton of unposted, cringy self-insert Mercedes Lackey fanfic when I was 12 and 13. I was a horse-girl, so obviously I had to write about an OC with lavender eyes and their own talking horse. I was on a Mercedes Lackey fan page for a while, but obvious she was very anti-fanfic so I thought I was a weirdo for a very long time, breaking the law and writing my own stories of Valdemar

What was the first story you ever wrote?

Finished and posted? “Lessons in Compassion” set after the pilot of Smallville.

Ever? When I was 10 I started writing a novel called “Kentucky Bound” where a girl goes to a horse auction and picks out a yearling that ends up winning the Kentucky Derby. I wrote out OC horses, characters, margins of victory in my outline and probably hand wrote about 25 pages before I got blocked, lol.

What's a piece of advice you would give your younger fic writing self?

You can finish a story. It takes focus and discipline but it’s possible.

What's an early fandom interaction that stuck with you (be it a nice comment, a friend you made, a fic that got a lot of feedback)?

@ninswhimsy : It’s all her fault, lol. We bonded over the show during season 1 hiatus and had a lot of fun chatting and sending each other snippets. I’m enormously thankful our friendship survived past the show.

The other early fandom joy was writing and publishing “Last Years Wishes” - It still gets a lot of love and hits, and I’m very touched by that.

Post a sentence or two from an older fic and a sentence or two from a newer one (if you want)

I’m still trying to get back into a writing frame of mind - real life is extremely busy and stressful. I’ve played with the idea of being “retired” for a lot of reasons, but right now that feels like giving up, and I don’t really want to do that.

Newer: - from the next story in my “Trying” universe:

Michael didn’t bother with browsing the old People magazine in the waiting room, his nerves were wound far too tight to engage with the props provided by the clinic to fight against the boredom of waiting that came hand-in-hand with every medical appointment. Alex, having had more than his fair share of doctor visits, had warned him that “appointments” were closer to “approximations”, and that they should expect to wait long past their time. Case in point, Alex was idly scrolling through his phone completely accustomed to the routine. Michael did his best not to fidget in place, while keeping his eyes trained on the closed door of the doctor’s office in anticipation of their name being called. An hour had already gone by, along with the hour drive to the clinic from Roswell; it was shaping up to be an expensive afternoon of lost work time for Michael. Only the importance of why they were there had kept him from walking out in annoyance.

It was time for their state-mandated physicals, required by law, for their fostering license.

Their caseworker, Ms. Patel, or Aimee as she had allowed them once it had become clear how serious they were in becoming foster parents, had maintained that the medical report was merely a formality for men of their age. It was designed to weed out applicants with particular health issues that would impede their ability to keep up with an active child. Despite Alex’s prompting for specifics, she did not provide any concrete examples of what was considered disqualifying on a health exam. Probably out of a worry that her speculation could be considered discriminatory.

The exam was promised to be thorough but not invasive, a general physical of vital signs without any accompanying blood work. That was meant to be comforting to them, but Michael, had barely slept during the last week out of worry.

Liz and Kyle had both reassured him that a basic physical would not reveal him to be an alien to anyone, his biological differences were mainly clear in his blood work or through an ultrasound of his organs. Not even the fact he had managed to pass through the foster system as a child without detection was enough to calm his anxieties, mainly because he had suspicions about Jim Valenti’s intervention. It was a risk to have a doctor study him, and for the first time since Michael realized he would be the subject of a federal background check, he worried over if the prospect of being a parent was worth it.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish Kyle was here,” Michael murmured to Alex with a ghost of humor. They had both listed Kyle as a character reference in their application, not realizing at the time it would disqualify him from being the physician who performed the medical evaluation on Michael.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish Isobel was here,” Alex whispered back, before reaching to hold Michael’s hand.

Michael rolled his eyes at Alex, having long figured out that his sister and his husband enjoyed playing up their animosity for each other, out of some childish tug of war over who loved Michael the most. They seemed to get a particular enjoyment out of sniping at each other, a contest over who managed the best quip or blistering observation, Alex and Maria often teaming up against Isobel and Liz at gatherings, while Michael, Max, and Kyle quietly placed bets on who won.

“I can do the same things she can,” he reminded Alex, tapping his forehead in emphasis. If a doctor did happen to do a double-take on their readings of Michael, he was prepared to slip inside their mind to block or erase that knowledge. As badly as he wanted a child, revealing himself as an alien was not part of the plan.

“I know you can, but I also know you don’t like to.” ***

OLDER: And from these hands (let you go free) - my ringmaker fic:

“That was why you changed that summer,” Alex said, mostly to himself with a quiet devastation. His gaze was faraway, sitting only a few feet from Michael and yet fifteen years away from him all at the same time. “I thought it was me. My dad attacked you because of me, and suddenly you weren’t going to college anymore. I did that to you, I thought I had ruined your life-”

“Never.” He squeezed Alex’s hand hard, horrified at the very thought. “You were the one good thing I had back then. You made me believe there was a place for me here. I probably leaned too much on that, too much on you, when we were teenagers. And that wasn’t fair to you.”

“I wish I had known what you were going through.”

“I couldn’t tell you.”

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” Alex asked him wryly, still laser sharp in his observations. “We didn’t exactly talk much back then.”

Michael acknowledged the point with a wince. In so many ways he was still the kid with the trash bag suitcases, he had moved from one place to another, never able to claim anything as his own, but once he was an adult and finally free to make his own home, he held onto everything. People, when they let him, and the memories, when they didn’t. Most importantly, he kept the truth about what was behind his feelings, guarded jealously behind his lips. Those truths, the pain he had experienced, the hardships of never feeling like he had a home; those were his. There was a question that had haunted him, what if he gave them up, what if he shared them, and it was for nothing? What if no one cared? That was a worse prospect to him than moving from house to house with a black garbage bag as his luggage.

***

That was fun, and a much better reason to log back onto tumblr, lol.

#wip meme #about the author #one day my brain will come back

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surveysand · 1 year ago

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twenty-six.

Are you old enough to remember the early 90’s?: no, i wasn't born yet. When was the last time you bought new luggage?: i was gifted a new set by my parents a few years ago for christmas. i haven't bought my own set before. How long have you lived with the person/people you currently live with?: well, i live alone, so i guess 22 years, lol.

Do you see yourself still with your current partner in 10 years?: yes.

Are you happy with who you are?: in some ways, yes. in others, no.

What do you see when you look to your left?: a bottle of medicine. How many cars are parked at your house right now?: zero. i live in an apartment building with only street parking. Do you have any Italian ancestry?: no. Are you under the influence of anything right now?: no. How old were you when you moved to your current home?: 20. What was the dumbest thing you ever did as a teenager?: talk to random people on kik. a bunch of weirdos on there. Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature?: ice cold. How many people can be comfortably seated in the room you’re in?: no more than ten. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak?: yes, lol. What was the last large chain store you shopped at?: petco. Would you say you’re a very patient person?: no, i'm very impatient. one of my worst flaws.

When was the last time you got less than 7 hours of sleep?: the day of my graduation a few weeks ago. i was so anxious. Do you know anyone with really terrible table manners?: yes. Are you in the midst of any relationship problems?: no. What has the weather been like today?: very rainy. Have you ever been medically unable to work?: yes, i was granted a medical leave for my previous job due to some serious health issues. i've been doing better since, though. Are you struggling financially?: yes. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found?: no. What’s something that causes a lot of anxiety for you?: being in spaces with large groups of people. the only type of crowd like that i don't mind is concerts. What are some of your favorite mobile apps?: social media. i also love the game called, "i love hue". it's very realxing. Does it take a lot to make you cry?: no, i'm such a cry baby, lol. i can hold it together pretty well, though (ex. i rarely cry at funerals because, while i cry a lot, i hate doing it in front of other people). Which ocean is closest to where you live?: atlantic. What do you usually wear to job interviews?: business casual. a simple dress or a blouse with a cardigan and some nice slacks.

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years ago

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survey #093

(taken december 24th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Would you rather have another job? I wish I had *A* job. It's gotten so deep under my fuckin skin but I just don't know of any position I could handle.

Did you ever live in a house with more than one story? No.

What room of your home do you spend most time in? The spare room where I keep my laptop at a desk.

Is your second toe longer than your big toe? They're really the same length, I think.

Have you ever given yourself a tattoo? No, and I wouldn't. I'm leaving that to professionals.

Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. I don't/can't buy my own clothes anyway, she literally buys everything I wear.

Do you have health insurance? I have Medicaid, even though I'm technically too old for it while being under my parents' names. My mom went through fucking hell to keep me on it.

What are some medical issues you’re currently dealing with? My weight and the extreme weakness in my legs, above all. Then there's loads of mental/emotional stuff, mostly centering around my sub-zero amount of self-worth and how it's affecting various areas of my life.

Why did you last take pain medication? I had a bad headache.

What physical traits have you inherited from your father? Uh... I don't know. I have a habit of pacing like he does (or at least, I did when standing wasn't excruciating), but idk if that counts.

How about your mother? Her height, kinda her hair, and our metabolism is very similar. As I've gotten older I also think my skin is coming to look more like hers, especially my arms, full of little dots and stuff.

What personality traits do you wish your children would inherit from you? In that hypothetical world, I'd most of all want them to have big hearts that care a lot about people like I very genuinely do. I know I'd also be HORRIBLY disappointed if they didn't like animals, but I would absofuckinglutely raise my kids from literal infancy to enjoy and respect the presence of all animals. I'd also want them to be resilient and able to bounce back and just keep going no matter what, which I honestly feel is a very strong trait among my family members.

What parts of the world are your ancestors from? Germany, Ireland, and Poland that we know of. I don't think any of us really know Dad's heritage.

Have you ever had a strange pet, outside of the normal animals people keep? I mean, I've had a good number of reptiles, but I think they're pretty accepted as rather "normal" these days.

Do you believe in astrology? Absolutely not.

Do you drive an electric car? No, we could absolutely never afford that.

What are your opinions on global warming? It is a major fucking issue people NEED to take more seriously, because otherwise we ARE going to make this planet inhabitable.

Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean shaven look? I'm entirely capable of liking either. It depends on the guy.

Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney, lol.

Are you good with kids? It's funny, I NEVER think I am, I feel like I'm so super awkward around them, but historically kids have really liked me. Mom thinks it's because I'm more of a "fun" adult that is just able to connect with kids' interests and desires more than most. I'm so far from a "serious" adult.

Are you usually late, early, or right on time? Right on time or early. My mom takes me everywhere, so it's really up to her.

Are you good at applying makeup? NO. My tremors make it very difficult, and plus my vision is just so bad that even with a close-up mirror, without my glasses on? It's a struggle to see everything as clearly as I need.

Do you like pastel colored hair? FUCKING YES and I wish my goddamn hair would TAKE COLOR PROPERLY so I could do it, ugh.

What do you think about the most? Probably Girt, honestly.

Do you like to see it snowing outside? YES!! Ugh I hope we get some this year.

Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. This reminds me that I still wanna get an LGBTQ+ flag to hang in my room like at the head of my bed or something.

Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid going to a Catholic church/school, my sisters and I were in the choir for a while. I was also in chorus during elementary school.

Do you look older or younger than you actually are? People always think I'm younger.

When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Probably never, really.

Where did you spend your last birthday at? My house as well as The Cheesecake Factory with my mom, boyfriend, and two sisters.

What was the last show that you watched a full episode of? Girt and I have resumed our Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives bingeing. 🥴 That show always makes us hungry as fuck lmao.

Is there anything you need to work on doing soon? I'm probably going to finish my nature photography class later today. I gotta read a bit and then do the final exam and I should be done.

Were you ever a boy or girl scout? As a child, yes.

Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? I have meds that I have to take at both times.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? Well I have two Cloak shirts, which is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's business. There are YTers whose merch I do want though.

What is the best type of donut? It depends on what I'm up for, really. Sometimes I like chocolate frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes cake/plain...

Do you like thrift stores? YES. We haven't been to one in many years, but you can find the coolest, most niche stuff.

What is your town known for? Crime, literally. I'm not kidding at all, it's infamous for it. Hearing there was a shooting somewhere will barely make you bat an eye after you live here long enough.

Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? No, I don't even go there, though.

What color is your lava lamp? I don't have one, but I wish I did. I'd totally get a pink one.

Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? I liked the angel kitty, lol. Sometimes I think I might get a Lisa Frank-styled tattoo.

What’s your favorite movie that you remember seeing in the theater? Uh, Logan was really good. Idk if it's been my favorite, but that's one that comes to mind.

Do you know anyone who has ten cats? I can absolutely promise you that my sister's mother-in-law has well past ten. Their yard is littered with cats and even have some inside that have entirely destroyed the upstairs/made it inhabitable. I try so hard to be understanding because growing up MY house was infested with outdoor cats I was so attached to that just kept breeding and breeding, but it's so problematic in multiple ways. Something needs to be done about it.

Have you ever had a cat? ^ Grew up with them, had them most of my life. There was quite a span where we didn't have one until we adopted Roman. <3

Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, a good number.

Have you ever any other kind of animal? Jesus, let's see. Guinea pigs, a Chinese water dragon, briefly an iguana, my sister had a rabbit at one point, rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, ball pythons, some fish... Maybe more but I don't think so? We've just had a whole lot.

Have you ever had a pet rock? Uh I don't think so.

What were you voted in the senior class polls? I wasn't.

Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Coach Collie, Mrs. Stancil, Mrs. Cruz (who, fun fact, inspired my handwriting lmao, I was in love with hers), and Mrs. Williams.

Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? Absolutely more towards the unique side, but I'm not against "established" names, either, so long as they're not obnoxiously common.

What collection are you thinking of starting? Rammstein merch laskdjflkajwelr

What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? Hot Topic, Spencer's, uh... maybe rue 21, anddddd... yeah idk.

Do you organize your clothes by color? No.

What do you want to name your first child? I've become pretty confident if I ever have kids and it's a girl, so long as Girt's the dad, it would be Miquella Lynn because I think it goes better with his last name than Alessandra Rose. If I ever have a son, I'd want to name him Damien Vance.

List ten favorite girls names. Alessandra, Evangeline, Justine, Jacqueline, Miquella (okay yeah it's a male's name in Elden Ring but I really like a way that it's mispronounced and to me sounds way more feminine), Chloe, Journee, Evelyn, Day, and uh OH I really like the sound of Amberdene, though it's a name I just made up for a future role-play character.

List ten favorite boys names. Damien, Severin, Vincent, Luther, Victor, Nikolai, Jaxson, uh... I'm out of ideas lol. There are plenty more male names I really like, I'm sure, I'm just blanking right now.

What season do you want to get married in? Autumn.

Is your Pinterest cluttered? Eh, it's relatively orderly. My "fandom" board has become a fuckin disaster though between all the shit I love, lol.

What is your favorite insect? Luna moths are number one, but I in general really love butterflies and moths.

What bugs scare you? FUCKING STAG BEELTES lkajsdkljawer like don't get me wrong, I think they're VERY cool-looking, but I am steering the fuck clear of them. I also don't like hornets and wasps at all. Centipedes are another big no, like I am IMMENSELY thankful big, truly dangerous ones don't live here. Another animal that looks cool as hell, but their bites are the stuff of legends.

Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? Pretty certain my mom.

What are your siblings’ names? Ashley, Nicole, Katie, Bobby, Misty, and Tiffany if you wanna count her.

Have you ever fallen asleep in a significant other's arms? Do you find that you fall asleep faster when accompanied by a significant other? Yes to both. At least, I'm pretty sure yes for the second question.

Do you have a television in your room? If you do, is it one of the old school big ones? Or is it a new flat screen? Nah, I don't watch TV so it would just be excess clutter.

What was your favorite cartoon or television show as a child? What about movie? I was absolutely, utterly obsessed with Pokemon. My favorite movie was The Lion King.

Did you have sleepovers at your friends' houses a lot as a child? Or did your friends come over to your house more often? It was more likely that my friends would sleep at my house because for a good chunk of my childhood, I had terrible separation anxiety from my mom and would end up waking up my friends' moms in the middle of the night to call my mom to come get me, lmao. I eventually got over it though.

Do you have any significantly older siblings? Did they ever treat you as if you were their child? Well yeah, my half-siblings, but they never treated me like a child, never mind theirs.

When opening presents on Christmas or birthdays, do you first try to guess what is in the package? Do you tear the wrap off slowly, or just rip it to shreds? Are you polite no matter what the gift, and say you love it anyways? Nah, I don't guess anymore, and I think I open presents... normally? Idk. And of course I'm polite about it, because it's very generous to get me ANYthing, so I am thankful no matter what.

What happened last time you got drunk? I've never been drunk, just tipsy.

What are you listening to? "Lügen" by Rammstein.

Which parent do you feel the most affection for? My mom, honestly.

How do you feel about God? "If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness." A quote that reached fame by being found carved in a concentration camp wall. And I will forever agree with it, violently so.

Which platform do you use to listen to music on the most? YouTube.

Who do you care about the most? Honestly probably Girt.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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sajiri · 3 years ago

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Art Update and Reflections

Hey everyone, I’d like to do some personal talk and reflections on this blog.

I came to tumblr a few years ago from deviantart, since deviantart was being overtaken by things I was not comfortable with, as well as the way that if you took a break so people didnt directly visit your page for a while, you were essentially filtered out of their watch lists. The original intent was to post my art here.

Somewhere along the way it became a general blog of reblogs, memes, games, and occasionally I might post some art. You may have seen me post about my health issues on here before, but I am a schizophrenic with a dissociative personality disorder and PTSD. I’ve also had some physical issues that come from untreated injuries in my youth that affect my day to day life, including artwork. Sometimes, I’m in too much physical pain to draw, and I have to take days or weeks off. I am actually doing much better these days thanks to a combination of therapy (physical and mental), medication and lifestyle changes. Yay!

So what’s the point of this post? I had said I would reopen commissions once I had finished my last personal piece. Well, I’m putting them on hold indefinitely for the time being. In the past, I’ve accepted more commissions than I could really handle, giving me no time for personal stuff. If you look through my art tag, you might notice my styles have changed a lot, and I feel like sometimes I get better or worse. Even after all these years, I’m still learning, Im still finding ‘my’ style. There’s a lot of things I’d like to practice and try, and in the past I’ve used commissions to try out new things and they havent always turned out so great. In these cases I’ve often given discounts or free art in compensation, but really, I shouldnt be doing that. So I’d like to just focus on my art for a while, practice and experiment, get to a place I’m happy with before I start accepting payment from people again.

I’m still working the same hours for my day job, but the days I worked have changed so I work them all at once now and then have 4 days off before going back. Honestly, this will improve my motivation to work on art I feel like, since every day I have off I wont be thinking about having to go back to work the next day.

Also, I’d like to re-share an old image.

You may have seen me posting the full body images of these girls with not much information other than a ‘magical girl’ tag. Well, these girls are from a story I’ve had churning in my head for years. I have been thinking about trying to start an online comic, so even though they are original characters, and my non fandom stuff gets next to no attention, I may start finally moving this story from my head to my tablet! Expect more art of these girls over the coming months...unless I lose my nerve again since I have some serious self confidence issues lol

#personal talk #art

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hellyeahsickaf · 11 months ago

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I worded this the way I did for a reason:

"when you're in need of immediate treatment" "especially if you think your life is in danger or something could at least cause severe harm if untreated."

I didn't say make shit up. To be clear, do not make up symptoms you don't have. But if you need to cry to be believed, then fucking cry if you can.

Doctors often do not believe you if you don't appear to be in pain (many pw chronic illnesses are not looking like they're at a 7-9 when they are bc pain is their normal). Or sometimes they're unconvinced for one reason or another. This could have cost me my life on multiple occasions. I have a dissociative disorder so sometimes I can't play it up, it doesn't show because I'm so far removed from my pain. On top of that I'm allergic to NSAIDs. Sometimes addicts experiencing withdrawals say the same so many times I've had to wait hours for any sort of pain relief while they looked over to see if I seemed to be telling the truth. They often don't believe me when I do.

When I was 7 or 8, I fell off of my scooter and landed on the handlebar- directly on my orbital. Half an inch or so further and it would've gone right through my silly little brain. Had every symptom of a concussion but I didn't show the pain much. They just scolded me for not wearing a helmet (would not have prevented the injury). I told them I was in a lot of pain but it didn't show and they didn't believe me. Over a decade later I get an MRI for migraines and they pick up what they believe is a congenital defect or a sign of an old fracture. Essentially "this is probably just a defect but ask the patient if he's ever broken his face" (they didn't ask lol). Looking at the images I knew exactly the injury I was looking at. I was concussed, broke my skull, and they sent me home and told me I was irresponsible

Few days after that injury I passed out, and ate shit and paramedics had to show up. And still all they had to tell me was to drink Pedialyte.

In the post I also added, "This goes much extra if you're black, and doctors and staff have biases, sometimes awful ones. Some even still believe that black people have a better pain tolerance"

I can attest to this as I'm half black (a little less like 40%ish idk). I've been told that I should have a better pain tolerance but I must not have inherited that 🙄. I'm racially ambiguous in appearance (though sometimes if I flare up really bad I get so pale people have thought I was just white lmao) but it is a legitimate belief that some have, that black people just have a better pain tolerance. As mentioned this dates back to slavery. It was used as justification for beating slaves.

Hell my shitty ex even believed it. He was no doctor but he said he learned it in health class. Said some stupid shit about how I should have a better pain tolerance than him and he wasn't joking.

So yeah I agree with you for the most part. Be honest about your symptoms. If you think you have a stomach issue don't tell them you have chest pains if you don't. But if you're not being believed and you have reason to believe something serious is going on, you may need to cry, you may need to hold your stomach and double over. Medical neglect like this could've killed me as recent as last Summer. It wasn't the first or second or even fifth time it was that urgent and they treated me like shit.

Doctors think they know when you're lying and sometimes they're right. Sometimes they're not. I have a lot of experience with them being wrong actually and my first memory of that happening is when I broke my god damn skull. The most recent was when I was laughed at over the phone for asking for pain medication days after I was in the hospital for like 6-8 hours before I was given anything more for my pain than Tylenol

And to address your tags:

The situations I'm talking about is when you are the patient in need of life saving care. Again I'm not saying act like you're having a heart attack when your symptoms allude to appendicitis. I don't understand why you seem to have interpreted this as "pretend you're dying even tho you're clearly not lol"

Lying doesn't make doctors treat me better because I don't lie to them. They also already treat me like shit. But playing up my symptoms (when I can, sometimes I don't have the ability to) has saved me potentially several hours of traumatizing levels of pain and at times probably my life or severe consequences

It's not that I've been manipulated by the hating doctors website. It's just what I've had to do to survive or at least minimize the trauma of the experience

Play up your symptoms in the ER and urgent care when you're in need of immediate treatment. No I am not kidding. This goes much extra if you're black, and especially if you think your life is in danger or something could at least cause severe harm if untreated. Doctors and staff have biases, sometimes awful ones. Some even still believe that black people have a better pain tolerance but that was a lie created to justify American slavery.

#chronic pain #chronic illness #disability #fibromyalgia #cfs #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #actually disabled #spoonie #me/cfs #cfs/me #ableism

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klm-zoflorr · 3 years ago

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Issues with the Tyzula ship that Tyzula shippers/fics typically avoid

Stereotypical Tyzula Ty Lee: “Azula-san, I completely forgive you for everything you ever did to me or my best friend and have always loved you unconditionally. I will help you become better if it means risking the quality of my life, my other relationships, my sanity, and even my life. I will magically be able to help you deal with your myriad of mental issues as if you always only needed love/affection instead of real medical help. I will always love you even if you don’t really change your behavior or worse, remain the same power hungry bitch you grew up to be. I love you ‘Zula.”

Look, I am not opposed to Tyzula for I actually think that they had a real friendship, even if there was a massive power imbalance, that got fucked up by Ozai’s abusive teachings and Azula trying to act as her sovereign and friend at the same time. But there is a tendency among Tyzula shippers/fics to make Ty Lee forgive Azula way too easily, make Azula not deal with her flaws or make (proper) amends to Ty Lee and Mai, retcon Azula into a soft baby who didn’t do anything wrong other than get abused, and/or gloss over the issues between the two.

For example, If Tyzula occurred pre-Boiling Rock like some fics imply, do you think it would have been consensual? Especially considering that there has been a massive power imbalance (Azula is Ty Lee’s Sovereign) since their childhood that Azula took advantage of even then; Azula forced Ty Lee to join her squad at firepoint; and Ty Lee is deathly scared of Azula? And if it happened post-Boiling Rock there is a massive power imbalance in favor of Ty Lee since the moment Azula “acts up” (it doesn’t have to be a big thing since Ty Lee is scarred shitless of Azula) Ty Lee can either call Zuko to jail her and/or have Aang de-bend her. There are some Tyzula fics that properly deal with, imo, the pre- and post-Boiling Rock power imbalances but most of them just gloss over them. Not helping is the fact that comics imply that the two never had a real relationship at all and that Ty Lee is still deathly afraid of Azula, willing to chi-block Azula the moment she is anything other than docile.

Also, how come most Tyzula shippers/fics don’t touch about LOK’s Turf Wars said about Sozin outlawing homosexuality and the implications it has for a lesbian/bisexual Azula? If Azula, who tries to be the model princess in a post-Sozin Fire Nation, can’t even realize that using fear is not a good way to maintain relationships, how would she deal with the fact that she has feelings for girls? Most of the Tyzula fics or headcanons I have read don’t seriously deal with the fact that either Azula is deep in the closet and/or suffering from serious internalized homophobia and would not likely express her sexual preferences in public unless she was in an extraordinary situation or got serious therapy plus years of self-reflection/character growth. Not to mention the fact she would be one of the leading perpetrators of homophobia by virtue of being Ozai’s right hand general/advisor.

So, do I have a valid point about how Tyzula shippers and fics often engage in abuse and/or toxic friendship/relationship apologism? Or I am just being too harsh on a group of shippers that have been vocally condemned by the greater ATLA community and most likely will never see their ship be canonized? And yes, some of my own fanfic works do contain Tyzula so feel free to call me out if I am being a hypocrite and holding people to standards that I can’t uphold.

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This was a very interesting submission, Anon, and I don't think you're "in the wrong" here, even if I don't necessarily agree with you. At least you're polite, so I won't swear at you xD I'll sum up your points for clarity's sake

"Tyzula shippers make Ty Lee dumber and ready to do anything for Azula. They write stories without depth and without adressing the imbalances in their relationship"

Here's my personnal opinion on that: this kind of drama/angst is hard to write, and I don't want to waste my time for 10 chapters while they're angstying over whether or not to love each other. Mental health issues are hard to write too, and I want azula to be happy, so I can just make them dissapear. I completely acknowledge it isn't the most realistic kind of writing, but I don't care, I just want to have fun. I wouldn't pretend it's canon either.

Now, some Azula fans are just biased towards her, and like to pretend her canon character did nothing wrong and is purely a victim and is owed Ty Lee's love. I'm not gonna shit on them, in the grand scheme of things it's quite inconsequencial, but I don't think that's accurate.

"Tyzula shippers make it happen even if Azula is still a "villain" and hasn't redeemed herself for her sins"

I can link this to my first point a little, and erase all moral complexity for the funzies while acknowledging it isn't canon. But there's also the fact in ATLA, Ty Lee has little to no redemption arc herself. She just betrays azula, and then the good guys accept her and mai with no problem? We could interpret that as "she was always supporting Aang's cause and hated azula secretly since forever" but I don't think that's very correct, because Ty Lee never shows any sign of it, never talks treason, never helps the good guys while azula isn't looking (unlike mai!). The only thing that could possibly make her betray Azula, in my point of view, is seeing her other best friend almost die to her hands. And even then, it isn't a moral choice. I firmly believe Ty Lee was just as indoctrinated in the Fire Nation's ways as everyone else there. And that she actually supported her nation and obeyed Azula as her commander not only because they were friends, not only because she had to, but because she was loyal to her nation. And the only reason I can see her go to the good guys' side at the end of atla was simply because of self preservation with a side of unbrainwashing from FN propaganda

So, in conclusion, I don't think Ty Lee is a completely good character, and I don't think she has a problem with Azula's crimes.

"There is a power imbalance"

I'm not going to deny that. But who told you all relationships with a power imbalance are inherently bad? They're more likely to be toxic, but they won't always be. If the person with the upper hand is respectuous and nice, everything works out perfectly. It's more of an advice towards people who don't have the upper hand in their unbalanced relationship, and who could get taken advantage of. But Ty Lee is smarter than she looks, and I believe she would know to stay away from that.

Pre-boilling rock, there is indeed problems with them getting together, but they're not due to one of them being toxic. Azula is Ty Lee's princess, and it isn't her fault. She was literally raised to lead. And Ty Lee was raised to follow. We see that despite that, Azula still considers Ty Lee as her friend and gets her in her team in a nice way. But it isn't her fault she was raised in the middle of a war and sees the will of the fire nation as more important than anything.

Additionally, I don't think Ty Lee hated Azula, for the reasons I mentionned before.

Post-boilling rock, I just don't think Ty Lee would be scared, or cruel enough, to jail or unbend Azula for no reason. Because, again, I don't think she hates her.

"The fire nation is homophobic"

As is usual with me, I loathe the comics and don't consider this as canon. It doesn't even make sense, apart from saying "fire nation's evil, they're homophobic now too" to be honest, if anyone's gonna be homophobic it's gonna be everyone, cause there was no gay representation in atla.

Oh, and f*ck this, I hate homophobia, I don't want my fictionnal worlds to have it too. It's dumb as shit and everyone is gay in the Fire Nation. There.

"So, do I have a valid point about how Tyzula shippers and fics often engage in abuse and/or toxic friendship/relationship apologism? Or I am just being too harsh on a group of shippers that have been vocally condemned by the greater ATLA community and most likely will never see their ship be canonized?"

You do have a valid point that some tyzula shippers have the same problem as some azula stans, as in that they put her on a pedestral and say she did nothing wrong. But some also just don't want to bother with that and just want to write fluff, and that's fine. There are way worse things they could be doing.

It is true that Tyzula is kind of a controversial ship, and for this reason I don't think you should care too much about it. Bullying people never help anyone, and criticising tyzula shippers will only push them back in their fandom spaces and make them unable to tell apart genuine, objective criticism and mean bullying.

I don't want Tyzula to be canon, btw. Well. For me canon kinda stopped at the end of atla, so everything is possible after this point lol. Not that I even care much about canon.

You are not an hypocrite for liking tyzula and criticizing it. You can call out the behavior of people in your own community, it's perfectly fine and should be encouraged. I'd pay more attention to your opinion too, because I know you don't just dislike the ship and want to find any reason for it to be "problematic"

I'm gonna put that submission in the Tyzula tag, if anyone in there feels offended by that do let me know. I don't intend to shit on this ship at all. Also, if anyone wants to add points or give me perspectives I didn't think about go ahead!

#atla #azula #ty lee #tyzula #tyzula crit #tyzula criticism #anti tyzula shippers #klm-zoflorr #submission

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cloveroctobers · 4 years ago

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(A/n: this might be a little biased since I’m in love with this man & I’m basing the relationship parts of this on my mc/myself so hope y’all don’t mind 😬)

IG info/bio: @/lucas.koh | 93.1k followers | for business inquires please visit: kohptr.com

LUCAS KOH —

27 (28) years old

From Oxford, England

Father is Korean & a car salesman at a Nissan dealership, he’s a strict/serious man who has high morals but beyond that he can actually be a softie in rare moments (+ that’s who Lucas gets his height from 🤤)

Mother is actually Chinese but lived in Korea studying abroad and eventually became a successful chiropractor (s/o to doctor mondragon on YouTube who I watch to help me sleep some nights and wish I could see! Lol) with her own practice. She’s a firecracker, intelligent, and quick to say what’s on her mind and doesn’t care if you like what she’s got to say. Most patients like that about her, she’s honest and her family is used to her ways but in the same way it’s more loving than offensive? (Smol woman but will remind you when she’s cracking your body she’s got enough power in her)

Either he’s a only child or he comes from a family of all boys with two younger brothers (they’re all in their 20’s) or he has one younger brother and one younger sister idk you decide

I’m feeling like he’s a Sagittarius? Carefree in the terms of he wasn’t viewing finally getting with MC when she’s dating someone else as cheating. Mans was READY to risk it all for me okay and I was down for it but ofc I had to react realistically and NOT “cheat.” *sigh* one part of me was debating ‘are we really dating tho bobby? We’re on reality tv. We’re not gonna die without each other if we hang out in seperate rooms’ *cough* Nope. but I’m a woman about her loyalty

He’s definitely adventurous. I don’t see him as the type to want to stay home all the time even tho his work definitely keeps him busy/exhausted. He’s down for road trips 💯

Occupation? Physicotherapist. His mother inspired him to get into the field and watching sports + the way players got their injuries always intrigued him? So to provide the best plan to have someone heal was something he loved to do plus being hands on while teaching/helping was a passion for him + I feel like he would also use a massaging technique instead of the usual exercise part of it

Now as someone who suffered a ACL & Mensicus tear & is STILL dealing with this BS pain years later, I would be so thankful to have him around! I feel like he’d have a optimistic attitude towards his patients and that’s what people need not someone that’s insensitive (like my surgeon/PT’s I had)

He models from time to time, when he was first approached about it he was upfront about not wanting to do it. It was much different than getting your picture taken for the office. That’s usually quick, the whole modeling process felt longer but somehow he was talked into it by his brother who’s a photographer and his mother. “Do you think you’re ugly? ‘Cause I’m not and you’re a part of me, so therefore there’s no such thing. Just look at your cheekbones, your jawline! I gave you those. The only good thing your father gave you was height.” Which filled the house with snickers while Lucas’ father just rolled his eyes and continued reading his newspaper for breakfast

Has a motorcycle and some luxurious car—not a Tesla those are basic now 🤷🏽‍♀️

Loves his motorcycle so much he’s got a tat of it on his right bicep

He has two available parking spaces in his parking garage at his penthouse but keeps his bike away in a storage unit due to a neighbor scratching it after his girlfriend broke up with him? Saying she was off to date Lucas? But that wasn’t true at all. He barely knew the girl, they didn’t live on the same floor. People were crazy but if you push him his temper might come out

Owns a leather jacket that he paid a lot for

Believes in “treat yo self” if it means in quality when shopping and has no issue being a big spender but he knows how to manage it well (his father told him all about how his own father dealt with bankruptcy)

Since he’s often at the office the whole day, he’s usually a night owl. He loves night drives and night dining. That’s usually when he finds the best places to eat

There’s this one pho spot that he loves and it’s his go to spot when he wants something quick on the way home

Cannot sleep with his entire body covered in covers, either his arms/shoulders have to be out or his legs, which would be a issue for me/mc since I sleep with the covers over my entire body...yes even in hot weather with the AC cranked up😂

He also makes great kimchi fried rice & loves Italian food

Will wine and dine. I believe it. I envision it! He loves going out on dates with his significant other (If he’s single and not with me, I think he’d try out speed dating)

Will dress to impress, will buy you a new fit he wants to see you/us/mc in especially if it’s your anniversary

Loves taking bubble bath’s with infused oils or flower petals with significant other

He’s the type that takes long showers & it brings him a true sense of freedom. He’s never able to take a quick shower, he gets lost in his ideas of what to do next in this world & it’s limitless

If he’s in for the day, which usually doesn’t last long—he’s either in sweats or in a robe all day

Only drives his bike on the weekend or if he’s going out of town but if he’s going on a trip for a couple of days with MC & if she’s got a bit of anxiety like me? He’ll stick to his car to make them comfortable

I feel like he enjoys the winter season. Maybe if it’s a slushy rainy winter more than a blizzards/snowy season. He loves bundling up, much to people’s surprise. He’s more than just his good looks and body love island fans!!!

Doesn’t post much on his socials. If you need to see what he’s about then you should do so in person or already know who he is. The internet can’t tell you much, in his opinion

Keeps himself in good health, I mean duh what kind of PT would he be 😉 goes on night jogs with reflector clothes on & occasionally morning jogs & at home workouts

Probably will date someone younger than him. Not by much, I don’t think he can take immaturity well. (That maybe how he views it) The most is 4 years younger than him

Henrik is his best bud from the show. They hang out all the time, crash at each other’s places, and vacation together all the time. They will be each other’s future best men forsure

Doesn’t go out of his way to talk to the rest of the guys from the show but if he happens to browse his feed and sees something he wants to comment on then he’ll carry a conversation of course

Far as the girls? He talks to Hannah & Priya from time to time. He also follows Hope and they like each other’s posts but not much communication is there either?

Either has a mint or black phone case, probably a Samsung galaxy user

Likes pistachio frozen yogurt but he’s lactose & doesn’t want to believe it :(

Smokes cigars when he’s out with his boys

Has a tight knit group of friends, majority of them are from the medical field since they all went to uni together + most of them are also married so the pressure is so on

*He’s the oldest out of his sibs so according to his parents he’s expected to be married first yet his baby sis is engaged and she’s 23*

wants a family...eventually. Probably will happen in his early thirties? The max for children is 2 for him. He knows they can be a HANDFUL due to his own friends who have kids + he’s a godfather and he’s babysat before so he knows how it goes!

enjoys his freedom as stated which further proves he’s a sag lol

Enjoys going to saunas to cleanse his pores/ get rid of toxins. It’s the easiest way for him to do so even tho his brother clowns him for it

His love language is deff physical touch. He loves hugs and resting his chin on top of your head, forehead to forehead, his nose pressed in between the space of your neck and shoulder, gentle squeezes, sitting next to each other with your legs touching, cuddling, sleeping on top of you or you on him, etc

He loves kissing. It’s automatic for him and it can also easily rile him up

Has strong opinions & will show them but will feel like he’s being attacked if it brings on a confrontation/argument

Will forgive and forget

Plays strategy board games

Makes his own natural healing creams & gives samples to his patients depending on their needs

His fav colors are: blue, white, & grey

Will grow a bit of facial hair in the cooler months if it’ll make mc happy (I’m a sucker for facial hair but hate it on myself lmao) but if he dislikes the feeling on his face he will shave and finds he likes a shaven face better, the facial hair makes him look a bit older—which is okay but that’s just his preference

When he stops putting gel in his hair/styling his hair in a quiff hairstyle it shocks fans with mc commenting on one of his pics, “you’re welcome x”

Likes going to the Hard Rock Cafe on causal weekends

also likes getting freaky in public, down for whatever 🤪

He’s a traveler so if he leaves the UK, I’m seeing him land in Toronto, Canada first and falling in love with it. I feel he would vibe well with the culture there, might even consider getting a vacation home in that location

Celeb crushes? Anne Hathaway, Beyoncé, Lupita Nyong'o, Anna Diop, Imaan Hammam, Jodie Comer, Megan Fox, Shay Mitchell, & Cassie Ventura Fine

Oh Lucas. I feel like we have similar tastes? Somewhat. He probably listens to more rock than I do? Maybe 80s rock moreso? & He listens to: WALK THE MOON, Allen Stone (his fav) , Emily king, Gavin Turek, Melanie Fiona, THEY., DPR live, & Sik-k

Anthem = Young the Giant, “Something to believe in”

#litg #litg2 #litg s2 #litg lucas #litg henrik #litg mc #litg au #litg headcanon #litg headcanons #litg hannah #litg hope #litg nope

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''under the graveyard'' by ozzy osbourne

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border-spam · 5 years ago

Text

Maw

Troy inspects his latest body modification prior to a planned reveal to his followers in a horrific LetsFlay, and considers how heavy the price he’s paid to change his appearance may really be.

Part of my Leech Lord AU series, some OC mentions. Long post. TW - Terminal illness, body image / mental health issues, gore, violence, death

He hissed sharply inwards, then held the breath in his lungs. Futilely willing his heartbeat to calm as he began to mentally count down from 10 like the surgeon had taught him. Every session had been a little better than before, he’d get through it. Stay focused, stay calm, and count from Ten...

Nine… Same as he’d had to do twice a day for the last month, knuckles turning white as his grip tightened on the rim of the stone basin. Eight… Same seemingly endless 10 seconds he’d endured over and over. They would end, keep breathing. Seven… Eyes screwed tightly closed and brow furrowed as the burning pain shot through his gums and jaw. Six… Slowly exhaling through his nose as the fire traveled down his throat and into the root of his tongue. Five… The surgeon had said this would take weeks, not a month. Four… Lower lip trembling as the pain faded into a throb, faster than last time, good. Three… He’d known it would need this care. He’d researched. He’d known. No regrets now. Two… He’d just overestimated how fast he would heal, that’s all. It was major surgery. It would be worth it in the end. One … It would be worth it.

It would be worth the pain.

Letting his head drop forward as he shuddered in a slow breath, Troy slowly opened his watery eyes and took in his reflection in the mirror he faced, softly illuminating him in the dark comfort of his ship’s washroom.

He looked haggard. Cool blue eyes bloodshot and beginning to spill over with the tears he’d held back as the pain subsided, normally rich sepia skin faded to a sickly pallor and glistening with sweat. Some king he was.

“F-fuck..” He sputtered, watching in disgusted fascination as the antiseptic wash gushed over his lips and into the sink under him, leaving strings of blood tinged saliva trailing under his chin. Deep crimson swirls mixing through the blue medical fluid as it splashed up the sides of the basin.

The reaction to the cleaning was a little better than last time, he thought with a sigh as he turned the faucet and watched the medical fluid swirl down the drain. It was healing, and he probably only had another week or so to go before it was fully functional, but shit. It hurt still. A lot.

Running a thumb gently over the swollen reddened seam in his lip, he decided to remind himself why he’d done this as he stared at the dribble of fresh blood it had leaked onto his finger.

Why he’d spent months researching, contacting body mod experts, surgeons, flaunting his name and infamy to reassure them that yes, he was serious. Yes, he had given this plenty of thought. Yes, he understood how major this would be. Yes, he appreciated how much of his jaw and tongue wouldn’t actually be him anymore. That things may not taste the way he remembered after. That his mouth would never be the same.

He had done it, because he didn’t like his mouth in the first place.

It was too soft. Too big, lips too full. It smiled too wide and drew the eye to his delicate cheekbones, he was so sick of being delicate. Troy had been delicate enough his entire childhood, he didn’t want to be as a man too. He wanted respect. He wanted power.

He’d never given it much thought before Pandora. Never really thought about how he looked at all. It had just never been something that required any attention. Why would either have them had even considered their appearances? How they looked had no affect on how well they scavenged, or helped his twin on the nights she was overwhelmed with the reality of her gifts, or change how Pop had acted around him..

It just had never mattered. They were them. They were each other. Why would they need to ever look different? How could it change anything?

He hadn’t cared till Pandora, till other people started to care. And comment. And they had commented plenty in those first few months he and his twin had spent trying to form what was now the planet consume behemoth known as the Children of the Vault. Tyreen had quickly been accepted after he’d designed her imposing outfit and she’d started styling her appearance, but he hadn’t been.

The tattoos had helped for a while, the gauges and piercings he got after too, but he’d had those years now, and he still wasn’t intimidating enough. He was still pitiful. That quiet, stammering, gut wrenchingly gentle voice in the back of his mind reminded him of that often enough on nights when he’d be unable to sleep. When he’d lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling of his bedchamber for hours, and feel his skin crawl while he pretended he couldn’t hear the whispers.

Their rapidly growing follower count had been plenty vocal about which of the twins was the more impressive. Which of the twins they mocked more. Which of the twins had fail collection echo vids of stumbling and looking sickly, and devoted fan forums offering pity and love for the clear underling.

He didn’t want pity. He didn’t want love. He wanted fear, so he changed it. He changed his face.

Troy Calypso is not Troy DeLeon. He does not make rash decisions and be hopeful for the best outcome, everything is planned, everything is schemed. A month out of public eye while he healed? That was fine. He preferred to not be in it that much recently anyway, not while he knew he looked soft…

That had changed now, he reminded himself, watching as his reflection slowly split its lips into a wide, vicious grin that didn’t quite reach its exhausted eyes.

His mouth was razor sharp now.

As the smile melted away, he let his jaw drop open, angling his head slowly from side to side to check the alignment with his skull. Perfect, so much better now that there wasn’t any swelling. Even and balanced, with no lingering stiffness like it had in the last week. If he didn’t know better, he’d think the seams that ran along the center of his chin and the width of his cheekbones were cosmetic, and man... he couldn’t wait to show the galaxy that they weren’t.

Bracing himself with a deep exhale, he lifted his arms, hooked his flesh fingers and prosthetic’s metal digits over the line of teeth on either side of his lower jaw, and snarled deeply as he pulled downwards. The sensation of this exercise had changed dramatically over the weeks. The agony of tearing apart the healing tissue had originally been so bad that the intensely powerful painkillers he’d been doped with for the first few days couldn’t mask it, but now it was more just.. strange. Like the tension of stretching a thick piece of elastic, but inside him. Muscles complained as they shifted unnaturally, despite weeks of training with them daily, but it didn’t hurt anymore. It just felt intimately wrong. Almost arousing in a way, and he noted with an amused snort that this could be a lot of fun in bed once healed up. Well, fun for him. Then again, he was all that ever mattered in that situation anyway. He stored it away as something else to look forward to after the reveal. Slowly easing the jaw downwards, he felt his upper lip curl into a smile as the latches on either side of his cheeks popped open, responding smoothly to the downwards movement on cue. No pain, no stiffness, an improvement at last. It really had been worth doing these exercises. Tilting his head back slowly to allow the jaw to distend fully downwards, he counted to three, a deep breath through his throat for each digit, and slowly… gently… began to pull outward. The shuddering crack that ran through his jawbone as it disconnected at the front seam reverberated up though his skull just like last time he’d done this, and he winced at the sharp jolt of pain. Bad, but nothing unbearable. He’d been through far worse. It still wept blood as it split apart and stretched to either side, but it was clean, and healing, and it looked monstrous.

It was perfect.

Holding each part of his split mandible outwards, he let himself relax, focusing on the muscular movement needed to force the modified tongue out from the depths of his throat and to hang beneath the open maw. This had healed really quickly, he’d been honestly surprised, but the damage in his neck had taken time. The torn and reattached muscle at the connection to his original tongue’s root in his throat still burned and ached like a healing bruise as he forced the slithering length outwards to lol between the jaws, and he slowly removed his hands from them. Keeping the jaws open like this with just muscle control had been something he’d only managed a day ago, and the difference in strength already was incredible. He watched the undulating waves of the extended tongue as it coiled, drool rolling down its writhing length as the mandibles above it twitched with the effort of holding them open without any support. The modified row of secondary teeth hidden inside the line of his natural jaw bone were exactly how he’d wanted them, serrated fangs pointing inwards like barbs. They knit together into a solid plate and rested under his tongue when the mandible closed, but open like this? Beautiful. Terrifying. His mouth looked like a weapon. It looked like he could eat you alive. Let’s see them laugh at him now, let’s see them call him soft when he could crunch their bones between his fucking teeth.

Troy gargled a crackling laugh over the pooling drool in his throat, smile creasing his eyes in the mirror’s reflection as the light caught his distended golden canines, inhumanly long tongue curling at the end in mirth. This was his mouth now. No one else in the universe had a mouth like this, this was unique! This was - “b-broken.”

That voice again...

“… Kkrrokennn... ” he slurred against his palate, tongue grotesquely twitching towards his chest as it attempt to form the word.

Now there was a memory he’d prefer to have not surfaced right now, swallowing the tongue slowly back into his throat as the mandible began to close.

It had been a long time, huh. Long time since he’d first noticed. Long time since he’d last asked why… He lifted his left hand and carefully pressed the lagging right mandible upwards, feeling the click as it connected and realigned with its twin. His eyes locked on his mouth in the mirror’s reflection, and absolutely not on the shape his peripheral vision insisted was standing in the darkness behind him. The one that he was aware was now speaking once more…

“Maybe it was j-just easier for her to not say the truth. Maybe you were less of a burden on her that way, huh. She m-must have been so tired of looking after you, Pop too. They must have been counting the minutes…” He heard it whisper in the back of his mind, that sickening, gentle voice it was getting harder and harder to tune out recently.

“Shut the fuck up.” He muttered under his breath, slowly leaning over the sink and resting his elbows in the rim, watching the water spiral down into the darkness of the drain. He’d made himself.. he’d made himself even more different now. Hadn’t he. Even more broken. What would she think now.

He treasures the memory of Leda. He loves her completely, and he knows that’s true, because damn.. the feelings never changed. He’s never stopped. When he thinks about his mother, he feels the exact same way he did last time he saw her. He was what, 8? Yeah. They were 8 when it happened, that’s right. They were 25 now… They had decayed from children into monsters and still, the exact same warmth blossoms deep in his core when he thinks of her now as it did when he was a little boy.

He feels the twinge of a smile pull at the seam on his lip as he focuses on letting his mind wander back to when he last saw her, but he wishes, in a festering way, she could see him now. Not because it would make her proud, no. God no. He knows she would be repulsed by what he sees in the mirror now, the thing with the metal fangs and hatred inked into its skin, but because he could show her how broken he really had been.

That he knew all along when he’d asked over and over as a child. That she should have just told him and not wasted her love and care on something that would become so disgusting.

He closes his eyes, listening to the running water gargling down the echoing pipe below him, and leans heavier onto this arms. Remembering.

God. He had been so sick.

-----

Day after day, unable to leave his parent’s bed, watching Tyreen’s tantrum’s towards Momma and Pop because Troy couldn’t come explore, or Troy was coughing too much, or Troy got to sleep with them when she didn’t, and it had really hurt to see her sad because of him. It had been his fault she was lonely.

He remembers the guilt, wanting so much to get up and go play with his sister, but not being able to stand for too long before the shakes would start, and then the seizures... Remembers being bundled up in Leda’s arms and bouncing against her hard shoulder as she ran back to their home, screaming at Typhon for letting Troy out of his sight. Troy was sick. Troy needed to rest. But he rested for so long that he forgot what it had been like before, and he never got any better.

He remembers the endless questions, and that they never gave him real answers, even though deep down he knew it was just because he was...

“Why do my stripes not glow, but Ty’s do, Pop?”

“Ty-die, how come you can make those sparks but I can’t do anything?“

“Momma how come everyone else has two arms and everyone else isn’t sick and I’m...“

“Broken broken broken BROKEN”

He remembers the gentle jostle of Leda shifting over onto the bed with him, the heat of her big strong hands against his ribs as she helped prop him up against the pillow as he weakly reached for the little wooden Knight he had left behind on Nekrotafeyo when they escaped. The one Sparrow had made for him. He remembers the frustration of not being able to hold it tightly enough to lift it, and how that seemed so very important at the time. Like it was the most unfair thing in the world. He remembers the comfort of her long fingers sweeping the hair back from his feverish forehead as he glared down at the faded wooden Knight with it’s snapped leg and peeling green paint, and the exhaustion in her voice as she wearily answered -

“Well.. not everyone is the same, Moonbright. Some people are sick sometimes, some people have shapes that might not look like other’s. Some people can sing, some people are clever, some people are kind, some people are terrible. Everyone’s different, babe. ”

And he remembers how dumb that answer sounded, trying not to be angry as he frowned, rolling the little wooden Knight on his lap as he stared down at the dull red markings across the fingers that gripped its broken leg.

“Yeah but Momma.. Why am I so different. ”

---

They never answered it. They never just said the truth. "Everyone is different" is obvious, of course he knew that. Kids aren’t stupid, and he had been a clever kid.. he had spent so many days in that bed wondering why they never just told him the reason he was so.. wrong. So many more as an adult wondering why did it take 13 more years of thinking back and questioning for Tyreen to matter of factly state “...Cuz they were waiting for you to die.” while filing her nails one evening in their shared quarters.

He knows now that they did it out of love, but he also knows he harbors some deep, toxic frustration with his parents because of it. He knows they were trying to keep him happy, that they thought the truth too cruel, but… he spent so many nights sick and alone and in pain, wondering that same question over and over as a child.. and they never told him.

Ty did. Ty does. Ty knows he’s just fucking broken.

They had tried to lie, to keep him from the cruel reality, but it had been true, and he wishes Leda could look at him now, see him hunched over a bloody sink having defiled his face, just so that she could turn away from him in disgust. Then he could know she hated him. Then he could stop holding on, just give up. Just let it go. Become this thing he’d crafted himself into, instead of holding on to dying threads of who he wished he still was inside. He lifts his hand to his face and presses his fingers into the bridge of his nose, pinching, the swirling water background noise now against the pressure inside his head.

How much of him was even left, really. How much of him was metal now, how much of him was the God King.

Years ago, when they had first arrived, Seifa had said he could become anything he wanted to make himself on Pandora, that he had a fresh start. A life. That it could be his choice, and that he had as much a say in it as Tyreen… and look at what he had made himself into in the end.

Exactly what she’d sworn to him that he wasn’t.

Less than 6 months since she’d dropped him like the burden he was, and he’d done this. He’d betrayed them both. Would Mom cry, or not have the tears to waste on what he’d chosen to become after everything she did to try and hide it from him.

A broken, monstrous thing.

He sighs, squinting at the faucet before reaching out and turning it off, then rubs at his eyes in the quiet of the dark washroom, smearing eyeliner further across his cheeks. He’s tired. He could have done without remembering this. It’s hard enough to sleep nowadays without getting stuck on shit like this all night. He stands slowly, stretching his back with a series of pops, and touches the tender side of his jaw gingerly. He still had a few of those painkillers, he remembers with a sniff. Couple of those should knock him out. Keep the nightmares away for one more night. He’d be making his big reveal soon anyway… With one last glance at the mirror, confirming he was alone in the room, Troy turned and walked towards the door to his bedchamber. Sleep now. Emotional bullshit later. That was for tomorrow him, he’d fix it then. He could fix everything, after all. Fixing problems was his forte. He only ever needed time.

---

The LetsFlay numbers looked gooood.

3 billion concurrent viewers and rising according to the stream data flickering in the inner forearm of his prosthetic, they were hungry for this. They were hungry to see him, he gloated, easily sidestepping the frantic stabbing of the heretic who’d been unfortunate enough to find themself face to face with God King Calypso in the wild melee of this raid. 3.5 now he glimpsed, grin wide enough to strain the clips at his cheeks as his sword crunched through the man’s torso, the weight of his prosthetic arm enough to make its downwards swing render solid bone to wet fragments. They didn’t even have time to yelp. Shame, that would have been great for the fans watching from home. He’d planned ahead to get the hype built around this specific raid, his media team working around the clock to spread articles and social updates that the King would be making an appearance, the first in the public’s eye in 2 months, and that he had a fun surprise to unveil for his followers. That he would be leading this raid, just him, all him. No Tyreen. She wasn’t needed this time.

The chaos around him is deafening, screeches shrieking over gunfire as COV marauders scream litanies to the Twin Gods while tearing the camp and its inhabitants apart. Heretics, idiots, they brought this on themselves. They should have taken the offer, joined the Children of the Vault when approached, not attacked a protected caravan in response. He laughs viciously over the raucous, grabbing a panicked bandit who’d dropped to their knees to beg for mercy in front of him, stuttering that they were a true believer as his retinue of crusaders slaughtered other heretics around them. Bullshit. Now they were just fodder, fuel for the media machine, playthings to tear apart on livestream and rile up the followers, get those sweet donations coming in, and mannn were those donations coming in, he noted with a chuckle, barely registering the wet popping of the man’s ribs puncturing his lungs as he ground him into the dirt with the monstrous robotic fist.

This was a great score. This was a game now, and he wished she could see him, blood spattering over his bare, toned torso as he marched onwards, pausing only to rip another piece of screeching meat in two, or sink metal teeth into a limb and tear it from its joint, and each new kill made the score go up:

--- 4 billion viewers. ---

His eyes burn with laughter as he crushes another throat, skin flushed and breathing heavy.

--- 4.5 billion viewers. ---

He sensually smears the blood dripping from his gilded mouth over his chest and abdomen with a obscene caress of his hand, maintaining eye contact with the floating cam circling him as he sneers, the adoration of billions of rabid followers flowing back through the flashing lens.

--- 5.5 billion viewers.

25 billion dollars in donations and it was all for HIM, for God King Calypso. ---

He wished Leda could see him now.

She can’t, but if she could, she’d really see. She’d know what he was all along. That she’d been wrong, and she should had killed him when she had the chance. Then he wouldn’t be here now, doing this to these filth.

His heart is pounding and he can’t fill his lungs quick enough, the insanity of the camp being slaughtered around him is just a blur of viscera and violence. It’s a bloodthirsty high he’s not felt in years and he’s lost to it, the carnal pulse of snapping bone and screaming faces, he’s invincible. He’s immortal, a God tearing through paper thin flesh as it laughs through bloodstained fangs. He’s Troy Calypso, Twin God, God King, he’s perf- Breath rushes out of his chest in a forced bellow as fire erupts through his ribs, and everything stops.

No sound, no movement. Just a heretic to his left, a crude bayonet, and a lucky stab. His retinue guard missed the open flank. A crusader is screaming his name but it’s not reaching him, he can’t hear them now. All he can see is this disgusting, meaningless, mortal thing staring into the eyes of a God, and the raw terror in their gaze as they realise they’ve missed anything vital. They whisper something, perhaps an apology, but it’s too late.

In one fluid motion, Troy’s maw splits and engulfs their entire head as he whips to the side.

There is a single second that feels like an infinity as the entire camp seems to draw in a silent breath, as every marauder, every crusader, every piece of bandit scum looks on in silent, horrified awe. Billions of eyes across the echonet watch in shock in that moment that seems to last an eternity. Watch as he feels the man’s muffled scream start against his tongue, as the serrated fangs lock into his flesh, watch as with a guttural roar, Troy bites down…

… and the heretic’s skull is crushed in his jaws.

Bone shards and pulped brain matter burst between the mandibles in a spray of gore, and the bloodcurdling screech that rises up from the followers throughout the camp is like nothing he has ever heard. It’s like a dream.

It’s a swelling hymn from the mouths of hundreds, all to him, to his glory. They shriek his name in a fervent prayer to their hallowed God King, and he closes his eyes as the chanting swells to a cacophony around him, blood streaming down his chest as he lets the mangled body drop from his hanging maw to the ground.

The hysterical screaming rises to fever pitch, and he stands, unmoving. Their God. Eyes closed and arms held open in triumphant welcome as the deafening noise engulfs him, heart pounding through frantic ecstasy as viscera drops from his twitching jaws.

A towering monster standing amongst the corpses of insects.

He glances down, panting, at his stream data. Letting his mind focus on the blinking panel as he yanks the bloody bayonet from his heaving ribs with a grunt.

--- 8.5 billion live viewers.

“God King Calypso” trending across all major social media.

55 billion dollars in donations to the LetsFlay stream. ---

He wishes she could see what he is now, so he could stop pretending to himself she’d still love him.

He just hopes the camera isn’t picking up the tears he can taste as they drip from his cheeks and run down his squirming tongue.

Check out the #my hcs and #my writing tags on blog for more content if you enjoyed this! Comments and reblogs appreciated. :)

#borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #calypso twins #my writing #my hcs #ocs #seifa

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balletroyale · 4 years ago

Text

Asked and Answered: Kathryn Morgan

*To be honest I don’t really want to talk about this topic anymore after this. There are people who agree with me and people who don’t. That’s fine! So unless another ask is bringing up something substantially different from what’s already been said down here, I’m not answering any additional asks on this precise situation. As always, hate mail with abusive language is automatically deleted.*

Kathryn Morgan is like the American version of the Joy Womack story😂 Idk what really happened; if what she said is true then I feel for her. But the fact that she didn’t go to company class much after getting pulled from Firebird (pretty early in the season) and neglected to mention it UNTIL MCB dancers called her out, just LOL. If you want roles so bad, why wouldn’t you go to class? It just makes you look lazy and indifferent to your work, no bloody wonder they didn’t cast her anymore. pt2 of KM ask: I’m pretty sure not going to class would get you demoted or fired in other companies. “I knew I wasn’t coming back next season, so I didn’t want to go to class”. So You decide not to go to class after not being given one or two roles (which happen all the time) and THEN complain about not getting roles afterwards? And saying she got applauded every time she went on stage on her opening night and wanting to go on tour “Kathryn Morgan and Friends” lmao, doesn’t sit with me right

I didn’t even know about the company class aspect; I only watched her video about it. That makes it even worse. Yes, her ‘justification’ for why she kept deserving roles is what rubbed me the wrong way as well.

I’m impressed you made a critical analysis of Kathryn Morgan’s behavior/attitude. There is no denying she’s had a sh** time with illness and a toxic environment at MCB, but she has always had a very entitled attitude and I’ve never seen her take ownership for anything. The least she could do is say she hadn’t fully considered the reality of re-joining a company after a long break with her illness and she had unrealistic expectations.

Thanks for this. I totally agree, I don’t think there is really anything wrong with calling out MCB for being s***** and dishonest with her. But she also always seems to have the attitude of she deserves it because of her fame, which is the main thing that I take issue with.

I’m a little confused on what you said about Katheryn Morgan. It’s mentioned in the video that A. She was promised roles in writing before the season began and B. It came to a point where she was being pulled out of roles she was already slated to dance. She also was only a soloist at NYCB because a serious medical problem cut her time there short.... I just don’t think it’s fair to take some things out of context when discussing her situation.

Hey! Thanks for this. I don’t really know what you think I took out of context. So I’m not denying that I don’t think MCB was not kind to her. They seem to have fostered a pretty toxic working environment for her. But at the same time, as she herself says in the video, she doesn’t like companies where they tell her at the beginning of the season what she’s going to dance because things change all the time. It’s not like it was in her contract to dance those roles, things can change. Some of the stuff was absolutely due to injury as well. And we don’t know if she was only a soloist NYCB because of the reason she had a serious medical problem. We don’t know if she would have continued her trajectory upwards or not. Regardless, sadly, she still doesn’t have any experience as a principal dancer.

i personally don't think kathryn morgan's situation is anywhere near joy womack's. i completely understand kathryn's frustration with mcb because they hired her as a soloist, told her she'd be cast in certain roles and made her learn them, then pulled her out last minute. i never heard her imply that she 'deserved' any roles. i would probably feel the same way in her situation. it seems cruel to me that miami would hire her only to not let her dance

To me, her stating that she was on the Today Show, and the cover of three dance magazines, and people clapped when she entered was her giving reasons of why she deserved roles.

I’m seriously concerned about the way people are responding to MCB regarding the Kathryn morgan situation... Management not giving out roles to certain dancers and telling them to lose weight is nothing new, been happening for decades. Now someone popular speaks up about it and all of a sudden they’re saying they want to boycott the company and not make any donations?? It will only hurt the dancers whom they’re trying to support esp in this pandemic. I really hope they think before they act.

I think this is an important thing to think about. As sad as it is, I think that absolutely every top-tier company would tell her to lose weight. That, sadly, is the ballet world right now.

Kathryn Morgan was on her way to greatness. Peter Martins told her, that is was only matter of time until she would have been promoted to soloist. I don't know if you watched her entire video, but she expected to dance these roles, because artistic promised her that she would. They rehearsed her, fitted her costumes and then pulled her out. I know that your asked was related to the issue of entitlement. Therefore I am saying it.

Yes, I did watch the whole video. And despite what Peter Martins told her or anything that happened, we cannot regard her as a seasoned principal because she never did reach that level. I never said that MCB didn’t act shadily, I said that I didn’t think her attitude was appropriate for the situation.

Her video is important. Ever since she posted her video, more dancers have come out and talked about the fucked up things that were said and done to them in order to make them lose weight. Her video is raising awarness and I hope more dancers realize that no contract is worth sacrificing any aspect of your health.

People have been talking about these issues for years. It is a sad reality of the ballet world. I also don’t believe sacrificing your health for a contract is the correct choice, and I’m glad she said that. But at the same time, her situation is different than most other dancers because she does have a serious issue that affects her dancing. Most professional dancers would not have to make that choice.

Thanks for the discussion everyone, and make sure you read my comment at the top before submitting more questions on it!

#ask #kathryn morgan

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fasterthanmydemons · 4 years ago

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Hmm since Pietro heals faster, how would his body react to the Covid-19? Some people need months to recover, some others don't (one of my friends beat the corona in a week and he was so proud lol) so how would it affect Pietro?

{out of breath} I’ll put this below a cut just because some people are trying to avoid things about Covid-19, and I totally understand.

Well the cop-out answer is that I have no idea, haha. Covid-19 seems to affect everybody a little bit differently, and I don’t think they really know what causes that. I don’t think they’re able to predict at all how someone will be affected by it. I have heard that genetics, blood type, viral load (how many units of virus you have in your body or at exposed to at one time), and/or multiple exposure may all play a role in whether you have a symptomatic case and how bad your symptoms are. As far as long-haul syndrome (things like nervous system and gastrointestinal damage as well as lung and other organ damage that is permanent or lingers for weeks or months after you are considered recovered from your original infection), I don’t think they can predict who gets that and in what capacity at all. It’s a new disease and the medical science is just not there yet as far as understanding all these nuances.

My personal training as a scientist is in the environmental science/bioremediation fields, not medical ones, and it is with bacteria, not viruses. Totally different worlds, heh. Having said that... I can do some what-ifs for Pietro. So... we know he has fast-healing abilities, and at least my version of him has overcome some serious infections, one of which he did without any kind of medical attention. I’m referring to the stab through his right had that he got for stealing when he was like 13-14 years old. That was probably a bacteria infection, but nevertheless, it just got better on its own. Regardless of whether he has fast-healing capabilities or not, his immune system was good enough to resolve the infection on its own without antibiotics or other medical treatment... namely because he was foolish and tried to hide the wound instead of asking for help.

This means that he has a pretty solid immune system that can attack and resolve serious infections. So it may be possible that if he got infected with coronavirus, it would be an asymptomatic infection for him or maybe he would only have minor symptoms. If, because of genetics or blood type or some other factor, he does end up with serious illness, I think if he has access to really good health care like with the Avengers for example, he would recover very quickly.

But if... and this is really the most devastating scenario for Pietro because I really don’t see him dying of coronavirus infection... if he ended up with long-haul syndrome, life would get very complicated for Pietro. He already has (at least my version of him does) nerve damage in his right arm and hand, but he may end up with more due to Covid-19. Even worse specifically for someone like him, he might suffer from permanent lung tissue damage and scarring, as well as reduced lung capacity.

For someone whose powers involve moving at high speeds, and for someone who really enjoys running... how do you tell him that he can’t do it anymore? Not that he shouldn’t... that he can’t. He’ll start to run and within seconds be out of breath, collapsing, maybe even passing out. I think even more than physically, that would devastate him mentally. So I think as long as he avoids long-haul syndrome, he has a fairly good chance of recovering easily from a coronavirus infection.

As a side note, Wanda may be in a lot of trouble if she gets Covid-19, or at least my version of her is. She was the “weaker” fraternal twin, born with smaller lungs that were not fully formed. Her lungs grew stronger as she got older and she eventually avoided asthma and outgrew most of her wheezing and chronic infection issues. However, that doesn’t mean her lungs are perfectly healthy or that they aren’t compromised. So unfortunately, I could see Wanda getting very sick and maybe even ending up on a ventilator from Covid-19, just because it is largely a lung disease, at least to start out.

#{ out of breath } ᵒᵒᶜ #tw: covid-19 #tw: coronavirus

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mineofilms · 4 years ago

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2020… My Life… Everything Else Is Just Blurry…

Where to begin… I have been a type 2 diabetic since 2013. I got diabetes from excessive partying/drinking, originally. I continued to behave like this till June 2020. Granted, I wasn’t going as hard, in general, over the years, but each year and hardship I found myself going back to those old vices more frequently.

When the pandemic struck SWFL my drinking went up about 400%. No joke. I trained 4 days on and drank the other 3 days, hard. I did that from March to late June.

I caught Covid-19 around June 26th. By July 11th I needed to be hospitalized for Diabetic Ketoacidosis (where the body produces excess blood acids; ketones. This occurs when there isn't enough insulin in the body. It can be triggered by infection or other illness.) & Pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas. It happens when digestive enzymes start digesting the pancreas itself.) I was in ICU for 36 hours and in the hospital for 5 days. I lost 21 lbs over that time.

3 days after I got home from the hospital, Macular Edema (blood vessels in the retina burst and bleed into the eyes), set in. That took about a month to heal only for Diabetic Retinopathy (those same blood vessels that burst heal and are inflamed).

Usually requires anti-inflammatory shots into the eye ball and laser surgery to burn away some of the excess scar tissue. These cost thousands of dollars without insurance, which I do not have. I have read that they can heal on their own, but it takes about 8-12 months. I am in month 4.

However, I actually cannot confirm if that statement about them healing on their own is actually true or not. Some notes in journals say yes while other, more creditable sites, say no. One must get treatment.

Now let me be clear that Covid-19 did not cause my Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis. My lack of proper care for my diabetes caused these. I was already in the yellow and when I got Covid-19 it just put me in the RED. I now, at this point, required medical care or I would die. Those are the facts about me getting Covid-19, my Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis…

Flash-Forward to now… I got my blood sugars down to near normal (high) levels. This means my blood sugar is still high, but for me, I used to walk around at 400. 500-600 is diabetic coma. 80-120 is considered normal. I walk around between 130-230, currently, fasted.

I have not had a drink since June 26th. I will never drink again. I can’t.

1) Alcohol has thoroughly ruined my adult life in all sorts of areas besides this. It got me sick to begin with among, other, things.

2) If I drink I could be back in the hospital with Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis, again.

3) I made a deal with GOD. If I have to live through this (I prayed to die that night) that I would never drink again.

What kind of dick lies to GOD lol? A decade ago I would have… I hated everything about the concept of GOD. Now, I have come to terms that if there is or there isn’t; it doesn’t matter. I value me, my beliefs. Why not carry myself with that respect. I do not need to tell or share my beliefs with others. I care not for such things.

I am solely worried about my mental, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual health.

I did not quit drinking because of addiction issues or any of that business. I made the choice because if I didn’t my pancreas would fail and I would be dead in a few months. That is how bad my pancreas was… I do not see myself as someone that is doing all this for attention. I have barely even made mention of this whole story on my social media. I have told people in direct messages, but I do not post everything that is happening in my life on social media.

Granted this Tumblr account is considered social media, but I do not use it for that purpose. It is strictly for my BLOG entries. I do not follow people on Tumblr. I post, get my URL and share it that way. Its not in your face on Facebook or anything, but one can click the link and go read about the crazy things in my head.

Taking care of my mental, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual health is a full time job in and of itself. Now, currently I cannot work. I can only drive during the day. I cannot see well enough to drive at night.

I have other medical issues stemming from this and it is quite the laundry list. However, I think I gave you all enough to think about.

I am back in great shape now. Since I quit drinking and got back from the hospital I went from 119 to 163 lbs. I have not been this big since 2012. Right before I believe my Diabetic State started. My strength is coming back with a vengeance too. I am putting up more weight than I have in nearly a decade.

I have had to make serious and big changes to EVERYTHING in my life.

My computer is now changed from dual 22 inch monitors to one 46 inch monitor. I have to make changes like this just to see well enough to do some things on the computer.

I am still very blind. My vision has decent days and some days I cannot see much of anything. I cannot see my phone without a magnifying glass. I just got my eyes looked at several times cause my power keeps shifting and now my current glasses setup does not exactly help much. My computer glasses are ok for this, but my normal bifocals are pretty useless.

However; I do feel like I can write a little bit more now. I have a few blogs I want to write and then go right back into the novel. This might be the only realistic possibility of me being able to work to earn my keep. Normal 9-5, Monday-Friday are out of the question, indefinitely.

Not only am I not well enough for the grind, physically. My mental health is very questionable. I have had issues for years now. I have had about 20 jobs in 15 years. I have done a real number on my mental health over the years. Always trying to do more, work harder than the next person so I can make that “good money” that some always throw in my face. I did the work. I put in the time, but only to be messed with. Yes, I have that sort of mental issue.

One tries to mess with me. Mess with the positive shit I am doing. I lose my head pretty quick. I have repeatedly demonstrated over the course of my life that I have no restraint at all when it comes to that feeling of being seriously fucked with and have them look at you like; “What are you gonna do about it?”

Well that is it… I always do something about it. Even when I know I shouldn’t. It is my worst impulsive trait that I cannot get a handle on. Ever since I was a kid. I wanna say. It started when I was 11 or so.

I have made huge strides in changing my life, my thinking and how I fit into the scheme of things. I have become more an introvert than an extrovert. Even before the pandemic I was going out less and less. Doing things less and less. It got to a point to where I only went out when I could drink and/or the band was playing. I was already becoming less social. So this is nothing overly drastic about that UNLESS you count Facebook activity.

I have not advertised much on my Facebook and for good reasons… I posted about my 6 months of sobriety and the responses I got were all about, pressing on and “the struggle.”

I pulled it down. There was no struggle here. I am not a keep on keepin’ on mannnnnn… Type of Personality… No… I quit drinking so I can live another 10-15, hopefully more, years. I just went through a friend dying from literally drinking himself to death. I know what people go through with their addiction struggles. I have my own reservations about how I feel about said subject matter.

Needless to say I did not appreciate how people view me on Facebook. I no longer post blogs their either. I post here on tumblr and put a link on my Facebook if anyone wants to read. That is about it.

I know people do not read more than a handful of sentences that ends with a weird hashtag or snapchat handle. I get it. It is also my fault because I have not told the Facebook wall/timeline of my mental and medical conditions and struggles. I reserve those conversations to be personal.

So if you want to know stuff, then let us get personal. Pretty much that simple. I do not do FAKE FRIENDS…

I try to be transparent. In the past it was easy, but now everyone has an opinion that they call facts. I do not know how many people I blocked on Facebook for being so damn ignorant or attention seeking.

I know I do not do attention seeking things. When I write it is with intention to say something. I would say 1600+ words on these subjects merits a little more than “attention seeking” behavior…

Things are looking up. I have done soooooooooo much. With so very little and make it look like I have a lot and that everything is fine. No. God Damnit… Everything is not fine. I am kicking ass trying to make something fine but not everything. Everything will never be FINE… Not ever. However, I can strive for it. I can continue to put in that work and just ignore the dumb shit. Which I am becoming pretty good at. I am still me. I am still blunt. If I rough feathers that is just my way of getting those people away from me.

Goodbye 2020… You will never be forgotten and your mark has definitely been left…

2020… My Life… Everything Else Is Just Blurry… By David-Angelo Mineo Words 1,738 12/30/2020

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