#like with the others she can justify it with that their conditions wouldn’t fully impact their ability to survive ( except for Leshy )

[cosmicheartz]

Runaway Narinder aus are a rlly fun concept but I’m surprised I haven’t seen one where Lamb just doesn’t particularly care that he’s gone.

Usually the Lamb is like obsessed with Narinder and doesn’t let him leave and when he does they try to find him again and bring him back to the cult ( and I’m not rlly any different bc with my other lamb Maveths main canon he is actively searching for Narinder after his escape )

[sepublic]

King’s encouragement to Luz

           All right, but another thing I very much appreciate about Really Small Problems is… I think King is the first person to actively, openly tell Luz how much he likes her, and how much she means to him???

           I could be wrong. But throughout the show up until then, I don’t think we really ever have such a bold, blunt statement from anyone else; And obviously, actions speak a lot louder in words in their own way. Eda acts all cool and stand-offish, but clearly Luz means the world to her… And obviously Willow and Gus freaking LOVE Luz, even if they don’t say it outright!

           But I think King is the first person to tell Luz how much she means to him… To basically tell her that she means THE WORLD to him, that his relationship with her isn’t just some side-hobby or a lesser enjoyment; It’s legit one of the things that makes his entire world and existence! That he really WOULD give up a lot for her, that Luz actively takes priority in his life instead of being another friendship on the side!

           Keep in mind; Aside from Camila, who’s her own mother anyway… I think Luz never really got this sort of open affection from someone, prior to the Boiling Isles? She didn’t even have any real friends, and this kind of loneliness and rejection for being ‘weird’ definitely impacted her… It’s definitely led to Luz being someone who will do so much and everything for others, but never expecting the same back; Not JUST because she’s selfless and unconditional… But also because she doesn’t expect other people to like her, at least not that much! Subconsciously, without meaning to, I think Luz sees herself as a ‘second choice’ when it comes to friendship… That most people only hang out with her because they have no other option!

           (And THAT parallels how I low-key saw Eda viewing her relationship with Luz, up until the girl stuck around after learning of the curse, but I digress.)

           Luz doesn’t expect other people to hold her THAT high in regard, as having THAT much priority in their lives… Because no one else did. Even her own mother, who DID mean well, ultimately spoke with her actions when sending Luz to that Reality Camp; That she doesn’t unconditionally love Luz for who she is, that she holds the approval of society in higher regard and THAT means more to her… And while Camila never intended to say this and she’s obviously in an unenviable position, from Luz’s perspective this is still a devastating thing to go through.

           I think Luz low-key saw herself as someone who may have even burdened her mother with her presence; And even if Camila never felt that, Luz is still a child who’s reasonably insecure. Maybe Luz felt the need to be more ‘accommodating’ to others, in the hopes that she wouldn’t turn them away; That she can’t openly vouch for what SHE wants, because she can’t be greedy in life, she doesn’t actually mean THAT much to people, and them hanging around her is already showing a lot of grace as-is! Luz probably thought she should just be grateful to have companionship at all to begin with; Especially since it was such a rare commodity back home.

           So there’s this implicit idea and expectation of herself to do what others say, what others expect of you… Because they’re already sacrificing a lot just hanging around someone as annoying and inconvenient as you. Don’t ask for too much, just be a grateful, accommodating child/friend… Do what you can to make up for the kindness of people who go out of their way to hang out with someone like you, because clearly that’s a detriment and not something they actively do for their own enjoyment! And even if they DO do it for their enjoyment, Luz still isn’t that special to them…!

           And that might also tie into Luz’s obliviousness to Amity’s crush, as secretly, deep-down to an extent that not even SHE is aware of it… I think Luz sees herself as someone unlovable, as someone who has to justify people’s enjoyment of her, make herself ‘worth it’ to them! That others’ friendship to her is a pure gift, in the sense that they’re not getting much else from Luz herself, because obviously Luz doesn’t have a lot to offer that others don’t already do. She really undersells her own worth and how much she can mean to others… It leads to Luz wanting the best for others, but without really considering what SHE wants, or HER placement in their life, because it’s all about THEM as her childhood taught her! Some people are probably better off without her, without Luz actively hindering or dragging them down…

           That leads to Really Small Problems. King shrinks her friends, Willow and Gus? CLEARLY it means King is doing this out of spite because he actively dislikes them and/or is being selfish… Because Luz never considers that she really means this much to King, that she means SO much that King prioritizes his friendship with her over all others! Obviously, I’m not saying love should be ‘ranked’ or put into a hierarchy, with some friendships held over others…

           And, it’s low-key this mentality that leads to King even indulging in the accidental effects of Tibbles (sorry, Obvioso’s) potion. But the fact that he even values Luz this much, to do this sort of thing, to cut off any other possible relationship because he holds her in THAT high of a regard… It tells Luz that she’s someone whose presence is actively enjoyable, that being with her IS the gift that she keeps on giving! Luz doesn’t have to justify or make up for who she is, because being with Luz is what people actively desire; Moreso than a lot of other things, in fact!

           Not to mention, it’s a brilliant call-back to Sense and Insensitivity, another King-centric episode! In that episode, Luz tells King at the end that HE means a lot to her, that being with him is one of the best parts of her adventure in the Boiling Isles… But she never expects him to say the same to her, not because she thinks King is a bad person, but because she really doesn’t value what she has to give or offer, as someone who probably has messed up a lot and requires a lot of patience to be around? Luz likely sees herself as a draining friend, that after a short while someone has enough of her and then has to go off and do literally anything else… She doesn’t realize that she’s someone who gives enjoyment, that she isn’t just tolerated but loved! Luz learns from King in Really Small Problems that his specific relationship with her means something to special to him, that it’s not just replacable and interchangeable, and he’d actively sabotage his other potential friendships for it!

           And obviously, THAT last part is a bad thing; But King also acknowledges this as well, as part of his character development of course! Obviously King doing this because he truly loves and values Luz doesn’t excuse it… In the same way that Camila loving Luz, or Lilith loving Eda, doesn’t excuse what they did. But King at least makes the effort to be honest about his love, about where he DID go wrong, and then change it… And obviously it helps that the situation became life-threatening and thus pressured him to do this, a lot more quickly for him (within the span of a night) than for Lilith (who had decades before Belos threatened to execute her).

           But in the end, I should mention that King doesn’t just act like him doing this because he loves Luz that much automatically excuses it; From his perspective, that was never in question, it was about allowing Willow and Gus to be friends with Luz that needed to be acknowledge! But from Luz’s perspective… It better helps her understand WHY King did what he did, while also enhancing how meaningful it is for King to actively apologize and make up for his mistakes. Just knowing she means this much to him helps Luz realize that she IS worth loving, that she’s lovable… And that in turn makes her so much happier and confident as a person!

           That people would WANT to be with Luz… that they’d actively choose her over ‘better’ options, just as Luz and King chose to hang with Eda even after the curse, because even though that arguably made her dangerous and a liability… Eda just meant that much to them! Luz isn’t to King his ‘least painful’ option, she’s the one he loves and cares for most! King making it clear that Luz is one of the best things about his life, is a brilliant call-back and tie-in to Luz doing the same back in Sense and Insensitivity… Because now BOTH of them realize how much they mean to one another, and how much it says that they’re good, lovable people who have a lot to offer and don’t need to actively justify their existence or companionship with others! Just being with these two is already enough…

          Why else would Eda hang around, after all? King may have understood this, although I think Luz potentially had some doubts because she didn’t want to set herself up for disappointment… Eda always being rather closed-off and tsundere when it comes to showing affection possibly contributed, amidst her not being one for blatantly-open gestures of affection. But also, maybe Luz was low-key afraid that Eda was merely tolerating her… Because Eda had the power in the Owl House here. Luz and King chose Eda and that means a lot because they could’ve had ‘other options’, but it’s not like Eda has anyone else to choose from between Luz and King…

          Well besides Lilith, but Luz mostly knows that Eda’s dislike of the Coven System is keeping them from reuniting, like Lilith she doesn’t fully understand that there’s more to the divide than just that. Plus, Lilith actively rejected Eda’s lifestyle, so it’s not like she’s an ‘option’ for Eda… Eda bears with Luz and King, because who else does she have? And while King may or may not have such doubts, perhaps Luz was afraid that Eda’s love for her was also conditional… Hence why she felt like she ‘owed’ Eda and thus had to risk her life to get the Healing Hat, just to pay her back for all of the other gracious things she did! Because Luz didn’t realize that just being with the girl was already ‘payment’ enough for Eda.

           And THAT ties into another meta/analyses post I made, about how Eda made sure to remind Luz when they reunited in YBOS about how much the girl means to her, that Luz doesn’t owe her anything and that Eda’s decisions are her own, not necessarily as a begrudgingly-obligated reaction to Luz’s mistakes or whatever… Actions speak a lot louder than words, usually, as shown with how Eda clearly loved Luz even before she outright said it; But let’s be real here, words also certainly do a lot to help, especially to tie off the previous actions that people do for one another out of love! By the end of Season 1, Luz fully affirms her relationships with King and Eda respectively, and vice-versa; That they really mean THAT much to one another, and would give the world for each other…

          That each would sacrifice a lot, just for the sake of being with the other, or even seeing the other be happy with or without them; Which ties into how King was willing to risk his life to fix his mistakes in Really Small Problems, outright saying he was fine with losing Luz’s friendship (either by dying or through rejection), because at least Luz would be happy! And it’s this kind of selfless, unconditional love that they show for one another… Not just to enjoy the other, but to let the other enjoy themselves as their own individual, regardless of whether or not Luz/King/Eda is with them to benefit from their presence!

           It’s a beautiful kind of love… That not only is just being with YOU the end-goal and reward for me; But you mean so much to me, that I just want you to be happy, regardless of whether or not I’m there to enjoy you or not! I love you to an extent where it’s no longer about what you do to make me happy, it’s about just seeing you be happy… It’s about you, not me! And it means so muchto Luz, Eda, and King to hear this from one another. It does so much to affirm their confidence and self-esteem in themselves as people who are worth loving, as people who aren’t inherently screw-ups, and as people who can continue to make their own decisions and relationships on their own, as their own worthwhile individuals! It tells each of them that they’re perfectly valid in loving themselves…

           TL;DR Really Small Problems is actually a very underrated episode; As-is King and the surprising amount of depth and growth to his character! I would even argue that it’s the culmination of his growth in Season 1! Obviously Enchanting Grom Fright and King’s reconciliation with Gus helps to cap off this development as an addendum, while subsequent episodes have King as either a minor character, or in the case of the Season Finale, affirming the growth he’s had… Regardless, it’s an episode that actually means a lot for King, and like him it deserves a lot more appreciation as being more than just ‘enjoyable’, or cute and funny, but actually meaningful as well!

[lizacstuff]

Hi, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about the last few episodes, you always make me feel better about things. Would you mind sharing more about the last episode, both in general and of course what you thought about Edser?

Thank you for the kind words, sorry this has taken so long to answer, I know you sent it days ago, but it’s been a busy week. As I said in another post, I actually really enjoyed this episode. I'll start with the other characters and then get to Eda and Serkan. 

First Seline. Of course, she beat everyone to the punch by getting to Serkan before Ferit and Ceren.  I suppose props to her for coming clean rather than allowing herself to be blackmailed, but man she was still a selfish snake until the end. I actually thought the most unfair thing was how she swept Ceren up in the people who had hid it from Serkan. What!?!?  Ceren found out the day before, told Ferit that as Serkan's attorney she couldn't keep it from him, called Serkan to let him know that Ferit had to talk to him, and didn't see Serkan until that meeting! What else could she have done? She would have been fully justified in defending herself to Serkan on that score. I wish she would have... except it's not the point of this show. The point of this show is Eda and Serkan, so to that end perhaps it was more important for Serkan to think his lawyer had hid it from him, and then for us and Eda to see him get over it quickly in order to illustrate how much more relaxed he is than when we met him. It plays into the themes of change, even if it's more about evolving. 

(much more under the cut)

Also, it's typical of Selin and her jealousy to try and get one last punch in and to drag the woman Ferit is now interested into the mess. I like how she tried to deliver a blow to Eda, and Eda was just like, "Whatever, do your worst" and Serkan, instead of getting mad which is what Selin wanted, just found a way to use it to flirt even harder. Then her maneuver with Balca was just gross. She knows as well as anyone that Serkan, despite his public notoriety, is a private person and here she is spilling every bit of his personal business to this woman they all met today. What a betrayal of personal trust. Good riddance to her. I mean, we'll all miss Bige, but I won't miss Selin. 

Honestly, I don't think Selin is evil, she's just so selfish, myopic and spoiled that she thinks her hurt trumps everyone else. She thinks she's entitled to lash out, give grief and visit pain upon people, because she was thwarted and didn't get what she wanted. I'm glad that Eda mentioned that it was Selin who sicced the press on them, so even if they didn't prove it, they know. I've seen some criticism that Selin wasn't punished enough for her sins, but I disagree. The holding was her inheritance, her history, her father helped start that company, and she ended by giving up her stake completely, she lost her fiance and the back-up life she imagined with him, she lost Serkan and the life she imagined with him, she also lost Serkan's decades-long friendship, she lost her job, she's leaving the country. That's a lot of losing. She's hit emotional rock bottom, perhaps she'll be able to do some soul searching and figure out why she lost everything (except her money) as she starts over?

The other goodbye this episode was Alptekin, and another good riddance here. His interaction with Aydan was cruel. That's how he ends a 30 year marriage? Yikes. At least it sounds like he left everything to Aydan and Serkan and is not trying to take houses (Serkan needs the Summer House and Mountain House for sexy rendezvous reasons!) or the stake in the holding. His goodbye with Serkan was thankfully better. I mean, he can't redeem himself as a father at this point, but at least that conversation didn't make it worse. I'm glad he admitted to Serkan that he was not a good father, but also went to lengths to say that unlike him, Serkan would be a good father. Serkan would probably say that his father's opinion doesn't matter, but I think it really does, particularly on that subject. It's very plausible to me that Serkan has fears about being like his dad, and specifically being an unloving, perfection-requiring, absentee father like his dad was. It's important for him to hear that it doesn't have to be like that, hopefully Serkan internalized that they are very different men. It was also nice of him to sort of bless his future with Eda, and even after Serkan said they would want nothing to do with him, say he would still always be there if Serkan needed him. It was as good as could be expected as far as the impact it would have on Serkan's emotional state. 

Didn't see much of Ayfer in this one, which is fine by me. I mentioned it last week, but WOW, what they've done to the hair, makeup and costuming is something else.  For a good part of the series her style was kind of flowy and boho influenced and it worked. She had a bit of a relaxed cool vibe to her. Now they're styling her like an uptight, 90-year-old woman! That green dress was so ugly and WTF was that lampshade on her head?  This is a beautiful woman surrounded by fashionable, 20-something girls, how is she getting more dowdy and frumpy by the episode?

I think I'm going to like Divorce!Aydan. She was such an arrogant character when the show began, it's nice to see her show both warmth and vulnerability.  You could see she was nervous about running for the head of the foundation, which I wouldn't have expected from the woman we met early on in the series. She's been a joy the last few episodes and this was no different. And I will love her forever for staying true to Eda, and asking for her when Balca offered to be by her side. The Eda/Aydan relationship really warms my heart and I love that she needs her future daughter-in-law. Though I did feel for Seyfi when she didn't let him into the group hug. Poor Seyfi, he's as much a part of the family as anyone! Let him hug!

So, I know I've been very lukewarm towards the idea of Engin and Piril, it's just that they're such opposites it's hard to see how it will work.  And they're not opposites like Eda and Serkan are opposites. Eda and Serkan are the kind of opposites that yin/yang each other, and you can easily see them living in harmony, while Engin and Piril seem like the kind that just have incompatible outlooks and lifestyles. However, I do admit that I watched the proposal with a big grin on my face and I might have clapped when she said yes. I guess they at least partially won me over. Engin really tried to go big with his proposal, and if a proposal is going to be played for laughs I'm fine with it being anybody but Edser.  As a side note, I hope when Serkan asks Eda to marry him it's just the two of them, I like a private, emotional proposal for my favs.   So on to everyone's favorite new character, Balca. Boy, what an interesting one she is. Seems to me if you start a new job and decide you're going to go after your boss romantically before you even meet him because an astrologer gave you two initials... you might need professional help. I'm still not over the fact that this piece of work watched Serkan and Eda's sexually-charged slowdance at the party and still had the balls to show up at his house later that night. So far she's shaping up to be a rather tragic figure. Can you imagine being that desperate or having so little self-respect or dignity? It's impossible for her to have real feelings for someone she's never met, so she's risking humiliation, hurting people, and being fired because she's just that desperate to have a warm body in her life?  Yikes. That is pathetic. I'd feel sorry for her if she had shown any sign that she gave a damn that Serkan was already in a relationship for all intents and purposes. Her downfall is going to be SWEET. 

Me thinks she'll be just about as successful at driving a wedge between Eda and Serkan as those who came before her.  Including Aydan, Ayfer, Kaan, Efe and Selin. But hopefully her insidious presence will drive Eda to decide what she wants and to go and get her man. 

LOVED all the Eda/Serkan we got this episode. Starting from the elevator and that kiss. From spoilers, most of us knew the slap was coming, but it still was jarring when it happened. I really don't love any sort of hitting, or any violent act between partners, but I won't ding the characters for it here too much. Eda was vulnerable, discombobulated, and in an emotional whirl. She's trying to maintain distance and force him to maintain distance, all the while being drawn to him on a primal level. I think she slapped him because she thought that's what she should do. They're not officially in that place, they'd established he would be punished if he purposefully broke the contract, and she was vulnerable because of the claustrophobia. As for Serkan, I also don't ding him for doing it under what might not be considered optimal conditions. He knows how she feels, where her heart is, and she was willingly being very intimate there as she nuzzled into his neck. Also he was right that it definitely distracted her and calmed her down. I think she completely forgot where she was. 

That being said, the stones on that guy to kiss her again! I love it. He just smirked through her whole angry tirade, like he knew exactly where she was coming from. She was more putting on an act of being angry, because that's what she thought she should do, than actually being angry. That's the confidence of a man who knows exactly where he stands (for all those who get upset that Eda hasn't told Serkan how she feels, this is proof that he really, really knows).   For me, this episode was all about Eda's resolve crumbling, but her not being completely ready to let it go. So each time she found herself enjoying time with him and being vulnerable, she would retreat and try to build back up that wall. And she failed spectacularly every time. I think that's why we saw her go from putty in his hands one minute to evoking the contract the next, back to putty. She's trying to stay strong and not let him in, but she just can't do it and doesn't really want to do it.

While they were at lunch she tried to maintain distance, she was a bit snarky and trying to resist his flirting. But once they finished lunch and were on the balcony, she couldn't even pretend to maintain an air of indifference. She was so pleased when he said that his entire life has been a rainbow since meeting her. No pretense, she couldn't hide it. Nor could she hide her pleasure in him turning off his phone in order to have lunch with her. 

Deep down, Eda knows it's only a matter of time until they reunite. I think she just needs to be ready to let go of him breaking up with her before she lets down her walls. But when something happens, she's there. One minute they're engaging in pointed banter about her potential punishment, the next she hears that Aydan is not doing well and she's right by his side. No question, no hesitation. When push comes to shove, they're already a family. 

I can just imagine what it does to Serkan to watch Eda be there for his mom. With the agoraphobia I think Serkan took a lot of that burden onto himself, with really only Seyfi to help. That must have felt so isolating. But now Eda is right there with him, and they're a team, he has someone to rely on and share the burden with, it must feel so good. 

You gotta hand it to Serkan Bolat with the whole three wishes thing. My dude is ingenious. Instead of being upset that she kept something from him, or being passive aggressive about it, he figures out the course of action that will give him something to flirt with her about and excuses to spend time together. Also it gives him the opportunity to ask for the one thing he wants most from her, unconditional trust. Because once she's there, there will no longer be any reason for their separation. It's pretty much the cornerstone of everything. Not to say she doesn't trust him as a person, she does, but I think she's trepidatious about trusting his feelings for her. Trusting that he won't break up with her again, or go back to that inconsistent behavior that she's talked about several times. It makes sense that there is still lingering emotional fallout from the breakup. 

"Are you available?" "For you, always." Oh, sweet, sweet Robot. Enough can not be said about how he can make the smallest interaction into something so romantic. He was equally sweet when having her guess the number one thing that benefits him. You know she just melts inside every time he says something like that, and the harder she tries not to show it, the harder she melts. 

One thing I didn't get is Eda being a bit relaxed when it came to trusting Efe. Just the day before she learned that Efe tried to blackmail Selin for her shares, and Eda seemed taken aback at the revelation. However, when they discuss him I don't feel like she validates Serkan's concerns as much as maybe she should.  I'm going to chalk it up to Eda being a bit off-kilter from Serkan asking her if she wants to work with him more closely. Perhaps she wants or needs that buffer of working for his partner instead of him, so she's not going to poke holes in her situation just yet, even if she realizes there is reason for concern. I did like that she reassured him that if Serkan trusted her, it would be fine. That seems like it will be key when Babbaan arrives. 

Is Eda the cutest when she's jealous? I think she's the cutest. So does Serkan. He was enjoying that so much. And I just about died when she scooted her chair over to where she was almost sitting on top of him. The fact that Balca was Eda's own doing, a consequence of some irrational emotions, makes the whole situation even funnier. Serkan can't be dinged at all for choosing her. 

I will be watching TV a long time before I get over the fact that this show found a way to re-enact the scene from Ghost. Thank you writers, producers and creatives! I keep saying that I love how this show rarely misses an opportunity, the shippy content and visuals are second to none. The things this show is able to do on such a tight timeline and I'm sure, budget is impressive. I give most of the credit to the actors and their chemistry, but that was also beautifully shot. What's almost better is when they return to the office all hot and bothered and flustered. These two kids are going to have to fall into bed sooner, rather than later otherwise the sexual tension is literally going to kill them.  

Speaking of UST, they wound themselves up again when they decided to slow dance in front of their friends and coworkers. Besides Balca, is anyone in their orbit still wondering what's going on with them? Together? Broken up? In-between? Are they still office gossip, or is everyone just like "Eh, that's just Eda and Serkan" and they're all expecting to come in the office one morning to find that they’ve eloped. Along those lines, where was Ayfer? She gets so upset at the idea of them even talking... did she even notice them draped all over each other having eye-sex while dancing? I mean I didn't want her to have some over-the-top reaction but if she had it would have been in line with how she's been the last few episodes. The final scene was so damn uncomfortable to watch, but I'm very hopeful this storyline is going to clarify a few things for Eda and we’ll reap those rewards. All in all, I really enjoyed this episode, and can't wait for the next two! 

[thejustmaiden]

Why do you think Sunrise did that event in with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs mirroring InuKag? They have already done that CD Drama, do you think they did that to give hope to the shippers? What if after so many hints, if they reveal in the anime that Sessrin isn't canon, aren't the shippers gonna be disapointed? This may be a dumb question and your answers are always smart and well-articulated, but i seriously don't understand their marketing strategy, do you care to explain for me?

Oh, hey there! I appreciate all the love you've been leaving on my blogs lately. I really hope I'm able to give you an answer you're satisfied with. Sorry it took some time to get back to you. I hope this makes up for it. 🙏

I'm not gonna lie, I'm up and down about how I feel about that livestream and what it means for the future of this ship. My brain has been on roller coaster mode since basically the moment the sequel was announced. We're in the home stretch now, and we better get the answers WE WANT the second that sequel comes out. Since it's evidently not going to happen anytime sooner- welp!

Before the livestream aired, I really thought us fans were on the verge of discovering the mom and that it was going to be Rin. We still had hope she wasn't, but at the same time most of us antis were "bracing for impact." lol

Then nothing happened.

We were pretty shocked but obviously relieved. The days before it came out, I was telling others (as well as myself lol) that just because Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs had a livestream together doesn't confirm anything. Besides, why does that have to automatically mean that both pairings need to be romantic? We all know how integral these characters are/were to each other's storylines, so these pairings make the most logical sense, wouldn't you say?

In the previous livestream with the voice actors who play Inuyasha and Kagome, they discuss the new character Moroha and introduce her as Inuyasha AND Kagome's daughter. Now let's compare that to the other livestream with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs. When they described Towa and Setsuna, they did so as Sesshomaru's daughters NOT Sesshomaru and Rin's daughters. That to me is the most telling piece of evidence.

Like how could they not use that prime opportunity to tell us Rin's the mom when her voice actor was literally sitting right there??! We were all expecting it and they still insisted on giving us nothing! What this tells me is that it's possible this mom is a new character, and it even appears she is quite pivotal to the new series. I keep changing my opinion on that part though to be honest with you, because sometimes I think she won't be important at all in the grand scheme of things. (See what I mean about being up and down? lol) Idk about you, but it seems to me like we haven't even met her character. If it was Rin, why keep it a mystery? It's not like Sessrin's popularity is exactly a secret in this fandom. Why wait until the big reveal if it's "so obvious" in the first place? How does Sunrise benefit from hiding this information?

If it does end up being Rin, it would've been better to just come out and say it. If this ain't just pure fanbait like some of us still hope it is, why hold back? Give 'em what they want already and let us antis be at peace. If they hope to think that I'll change my mind and give this sequel a go just because I've waited this long so might as well, they're sorely mistaken. If anything, I'm going to be pissed they kept us in the dark this long when they could've just saved us all the trouble. I imagine that goes for a lot of us, shippers and antis alike. Whatever way you look at it, I won't be invested in this sequel if Sessrin goes canon- period. I cannot and will not be on board with a series that promotes such a harmful and insulting dynamic.

Which brings us to Sunrise's marketing strategy. Well, I definitely think they have been catering to the fans of this ship for quite some time now. Because, ya know, money. Whether that's because they plan to make this ship canon or not remains to be seen. "Show meee the moneeeeyyyy!" *yells in Jerry Maguire*

There was first the drama cd and more recently that calendar which included art of adult!Rin with Sesshomaru, but neither of those are canon first off. Also, does anyone know if it was actually confirmed to be pro-Sessrin fan art? I mean, I know it doesn't look very good when the artist who made it is a Sessrin shipper and certain fans are fawning over their OTP, but that doesn't necessarily mean the calender automatically is either last I checked. I wonder why it can't simply be Rin as an adult visiting with Sesshomaru. I believe in one picture she's seen giving him a flower, much like little Rin would've done, or just as any child does for a loved one. So if Rin is still bringing him flowers as an adult, I would assume that means their relationship dynamic hasn't changed at all. That's what's supposed to happen, too! If an adult's relationship was established with another person while they were just a child, then that adult will always view them as a child no matter what and vice versa. Even when those children become grown-ups, that won't change. That's just how things are, or how they're supposed to be rather. In other words, a normal healthy adult-child bond does not resemble one like Sessrin.

Both Sessrin fans and antis agree there haven't been any romantic implications between Sesshomaru and Rin in the original series. That's why I can't understand for the life of me why we're even having this discussion. Alas, here we are. This is what happens when society has conditioned us to believe that the only proper (aka "best") way an adult male and a young female's closeness can evolve is with romance. So maybe it's not obvious at first (because that would be illegal), but we should EXPECT their relationship to shift in that direction. Why, you ask? Well, simply because sexualizing young girls is the norm so why not, right? No clues or foreshadowing required! Because like I just said, that would be illegal. Fiction has loopholes for this kinda stuff, so problem solved?

Nope! Aging her up counts too, folks! When you look at a girl character and the first thing you think is, "I can't wait till she grows up so she can f*ck" then, yeah, you're a part of the problem. You may not realize it, but you are. That's not to say you're a bad person or that it's even your fault, just saying that there are times in all of our lives where we start to question some of our beliefs. If you not only support but desire the idea of a romance eventually forming between a grown man- yes, 19 is an adult- and a young girl, then you should probably ask yourself why that may be and re-evaluate. Please stop using cultural differences and history that dates back almost a thousand years to justify this so-called tradition.

"You all shouldn't think too deeply about this, it's just fiction! Ugh, you're ruining the fun! Antis should all just shut up! Only we can have problems, but when you do it's just complaining!"

Right....

And by the way, most of us are not even complaining. We're being critical of the content we're watching. Criticism isn't always pretty unfortunately.

If Sunrise and Rumiko do decide to go through with this, then I will disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Romanticizing these sexualized images of young or pre-pubescent girls has been happening for far too long, after all. We've become desensitized to it sadly enough, especially when the media continues to glorify it. I wish we'd realize how many young girls- or minors in general- we're putting in danger by sending messages such as this.

To you young teenage girls and even boys reading this, you may not fully understand right now, but it's never okay for anyone to tell you that your body being sexualized is a natural and beautiful thing. It's going through through a lot changes at your age, yes, but they should never use your curiosity to satisfy their sexual needs. Don't allow some of these stories to be an example of what is acceptable to occur in your own life if you were ever to encounter a similar situation, especially if fiction is all that you have to compare it to. It is not in any way, shape, or form okay for an adult to say or do sexual/romantic things to you. Even a conversation that may seem harmless at first could have dire consequences. No, not even if you trust them and they're one of your favorite people in this world are these things ever appropriate. What they're asking from you or showing you is dangerous, and even if it doesn't seem like it they are very likely taking advantage of you. If you're ever unsure about something, don't hesitate to come to me. Or maybe you have a loved one that you can go to, that works too. 😊

Idk if I even gave you a definite answer, but perhaps it's because I'm still figuring it out myself. If I ever do, ha! I hope by allowing you to get inside my head for a little bit you got a better idea. Or maybe not, and I just made it more confusing for you. Oops! lol Feel free to hit me up again, dear, and have a nice day/night!! 👋

[missmentelle]

About the post being jealous/controlling your bf & his friends, social media, etc. how do you stop those jealous feelings? How do you become ready for a relationship? What are the steps to take?? It tells you what Not to do but not how to fix it or prepare?

You make a good point - jealousy is very common emotion, but it’s not one that we’re really taught how to deal with. Many people don’t start trying to get a handle on their toxic jealousy until they’ve already had one or more relationships fall apart because of it, sometimes in explosive and spectacular ways. I used to blog about ways to manage jealousy, waaaaaay back in the early days of this blog, but the posts have long since been buried - this seems like as good a time as any to revive them. 

So if you’re struggling with jealousy in your relationships, or you’re concerned that jealousy might be a problem in your future relationships, it’s important that you:

Separate jealous feelings from jealous actions. It is okay to feel jealous - it’s a very natural feeling that we all experience from time to time. What’s not okay is acting on your jealousy, and giving yourself permission to control and monitor your partner because of it. When you’re merely feeling jealous, that’s something that only affects you, and it’s something that you can cope with on your own. When you act jealous, suddenly you are negatively impacting your partner, and turning your issue into their issue. Learn to separate the two things. When you feel yourself starting to experience jealousy, learn to check yourself and catch jealous behaviours before they happen. Ask yourself, “Am I about to do or say something that’s motivated by jealousy?”. If the answer is yes, that’s a solid sign that you need to remove yourself from the situation or distract yourself until you have a better handle on those feelings. If your partner texts an attractive classmate to ask them for class notes and you feel a sudden urge to interrogate them about their relationship with that classmate, stop yourself. Recognize that you are entitled to feel jealous, but that acting on that jealousy will likely be toxic for the relationship. 

Work on your personal insecurities. Insecurity is one of the main roots of jealousy. Many of us would feel jealous if our partner started working closely with an attractive 25-year-old coworker, but most of us would feel no jealousy if our partner started working closely with an unattractive 68-year-old coworker. All of us have shortcomings that we are sensitive about, and we are at our most jealous when our partner interacts with someone we perceive as a “threat” to us. If you are insecure about your body, you’ll likely be jealous of your partner interacting with people who are fitter than you. If you are insecure about your age, you’ll be jealous of people who are younger than you. If you are balding, you might be wary of possible rivals who have a full head of hair. The list goes on. But in general, the more insecurities you have, and the worse those insecurities are, the more you are going to struggle with jealousy. One of the best things you can do to prevent jealousy from taking root is to tackle those insecurities head-on. That doesn’t mean relying on compliments and reassurance from your partner - having your self-esteem tied to your partner’s opinion of you is just a recipe for more jealousy and insecurity. There’s no one-size-fits-all method for dealing with insecurity, but there are a lot of things you can try - seek therapy, find support groups, start a positivity journal, do things you enjoy, work on a skill. Find a method that works for you. 

Communicate with your partner. Assumptions and expectations of mind-reading are a recipe for toxic jealousy. Talk to your partner. Have an explicit conversation about jealousy, your feelings, your boundaries and your expectations. Ask them what they consider to be “cheating”, and share your opinions on the matter - you could ask 20 people this question and get 20 slightly different answers, and not discussing this topic in explicit terms is a recipe for disaster. If the two of you have any areas that you disagree on, talk about it and see if you can reach a compromise. If you anticipate that jealousy is going to be an issue for you in the relationship, tell your partner that, so that the two of you can find ways to support you in dealing with this problem. If at any point in the relationship, you are uncomfortable with a partner’s connection to someone else, don’t go secretly digging through their phone for evidence of cheating -tackle the issue head-on, explain your feelings to your partner, and look for a way that the two of you can move forward on this. 

Work on not feeding your jealousy. If you go looking for reasons to feel jealous, you will find them. Caving into jealousy is a vicious cycle - the harder you look, the more potentially “suspicious” things you will find, until you reach a point where you find yourself needing to monitor everything your partner does just to trust that they aren’t cheating... even if they have never cheated. Don’t spy, stalk or monitor your partner. Once you’ve decided that a certain friend of theirs poses a threat to the relationship, your brain is going to turn every innocent message and “liked” photo into a potential sign of unfaithfulness. Don’t feed those feelings. Find ways to cope, and have a direct conversation with your partner if you feel there is legitimate cause for concern. 

Don’t punish your current partner for your ex’s actions. In both my personal and professional life, I have seen many controlling, over-bearing jealous partners who justify their actions by saying that a previous partner cheated on them, and they are taking the steps that they feel are necessary to avoid being hurt again. Being cheated on is a horrible, gut-wrenching experience, and once you’ve been through it once, it’s natural to want to do everything in your power to avoid experiencing it again. Loving a new partner, however, requires that you find a way to put your past behind you and offer that new partner your complete trust and benefit of the doubt. If you are not emotionally in a place where you can fully trust your partner, then you are not yet in a place to be dating - you still need more time to recover from your previous relationship before you can get into a new one, and that’s okay. 

I’ve actually been having a lot of conversations about jealousy lately in my own personal life; a close friend of mine is currently struggling to cope after her partner left her due to her jealous behaviour. She was never cheated on, but her best friend was, and she absorbed some fairly toxic beliefs about relationships and men that led her to spy on her boyfriend and constantly accuse him of cheating. She was so terrified of being walked on or being made a fool of that she took things to extremes, and reached a point where she spent hours every day combing through her partner’s Instagram activity and regularly told him that he clearly didn’t love her if he wouldn’t accept her constant distrust. It was a toxic situation that her jealousy created, and I have spent a lot of time trying to help her figure out how to strike a balance between “expecting your partner to behave appropriately with others and respect the relationship” and “driving your partner away with controlling and abusive behaviour”. In working with her, I’ve been able to put together a couple of concrete “dos and don’ts” to address that balancing act. So if you are concerned that you might be a jealous person and you’re in a monogamous relationship (or a polyamorous relationship with set boundaries), these are some things that you should be steering clear of:

Stay out of your partner’s messages and emails. Those are not for you, and looking through them feeds jealousy. I personally have confidential client information in my work email, and there is zero reason for my partner to ever access it. 

Don’t demand your partner’s account passwords. They have a right to privacy, and it doesn’t mean that they are hiding something. 

Do not delete contacts, followers, or photos from your partner’s phone or social media accounts. This is gross, overbearingly jealous behaviour. 

Do not block people from your partner’s accounts without their knowledge. If you feel that you need to hide people from your partner’s view to keep the relationship going, the relationship is not going to survive. 

Never “test” your partner’s loyalty by having an attractive friend hit on them, or by trying to catfish them with a fake online account. I struggle to find words for how toxic this is. 

Do not demand that your partner drop all platonic friends of their preferred gender, or restrict contact with all members of their preferred gender. This is super controlling, and it’s not even possible if your partner is bi/pan. 

If you are uncomfortable with how close someone is getting to your partner, do not confront that person directly. Nothing screams “controlling” quite like texting your partner’s coworker out of the blue to tell them to back the fuck off. If you have an issue, bring it up with your partner, not the other person. 

Do not make sharing GPS location a condition of the relationship. If your partner wants to share this, fine, but it’s beyond unreasonable to make it mandatory. 

Do not constantly check up on your partner or blow up their phone if they don’t text you back right away when they are out. Let them enjoy time with their friends. 

Do not insist on tagging along every time your partner goes out. If you have a lot of mutual friends that you hang out with together, great, but they are not a child, and they do not need constant supervision. 

At the same time, though, I am not advocating for anyone to be their partner’s doormat. It’s important to understand that “not being jealous” does not mean “letting your partner walk all over you”. Telling your partner that they aren’t allowed any friends of a certain gender is certainly toxic, but at the same time, it’s okay to lay down some basic expectations that your partner will respect you and the relationship. So in general, this would include:

It’s okay to ask a partner to limit contact with their ex-partners. If your partner is in constant communication with their ex, it’s okay for you to feel uncomfortable with that and make it clear to your partner that they need to decide which relationship they want to be in. 

It’s okay to ask your partner to prioritize your feelings over an ex’s. If a partner is avoiding being public about the relationship, moving in together or getting engaged because they don’t want to make their ex sad, it’s reasonable to be upset about that. 

If your partner has suddenly developed an extremely close relationship with someone of their preferred gender that has obvious flirty overtones or takes up most of their time, it’s okay to voice your concerns. 

It is okay to ask your partner not to exchange sexual jokes, memes or images with friends of their preferred gender, or to let them know that it makes you uncomfortable. 

It’s okay to expect your partner not to do things with their friends that could be outwardly seen as flirty or romantic - like asking them not to sleep in the same bed as a friend of their preferred sex, or not to text a friend of their preferred sex late at night when they’re in bed with you.

If you and your partner wear rings or other symbols of your commitment, it’s okay to ask your partner to wear their ring in public (assuming they aren’t leaving it off for safety or health reasons, like a hazardous job). 

If your partner continually tramples over your boundaries and behaves inappropriately with members of their preferred sex unless you watch them like a hawk, the solution is not to become more hawk-like. The solution is to leave. 

Again, this is all a balancing act, and sometimes there is going to be a bit of trial and error involved in figuring out which boundaries are reasonable, and which are controlling. Open communication and constant work on your insecurities is necessary. Having jealous tendencies does not have to be a death sentence for a relationship, however, and it is possible to get to place where both partners feel secure and respected. 

[koganphrancis]

Shameless really had to scour the history books to come up with the reason I guess they’ve landed on for Ian’s marriage issues.  

It would’ve made a lot more sense if they had brought them up in S6, but, no, Mickey was gone by then and Ian was about to experience actual love for the first time in his life-or so the show wanted us to believe.  And that’s why I have to call bullshit on Ian seemingly suddenly not thinking he’s deserving of love.  Once he got on his meds, he strode bravely into relationships with Faileb and Trash without batting an eye.  (And yes, one could argue those were “bad” relationships a person who knows they are worthy of love would’ve avoided-but that was never the show’s point of view.  They literally thought each of those partners were huge upgrades from Mickey, and that they would provide Ian with healthy relationships, something other than “war and sex”, which is what they tried to reduce Mickey to.)  Think back to when Ian pursued Trash FOR MONTHS-he never once said, “Maybe Trash doesn’t want me because I’m unlovable.”  

And that they randomly brought up Ian’s medical condition after all this time as a big part of the “reason” didn’t set well at all.  Myles’ AV Club review sums it up beautifully: “I don’t want to dwell too much on this, but I have long argued that the show has fundamentally mishandled Ian’s disorder by refusing to acknowledge how it would impact his day-to-day life. When I asked showrunner Nancy Pimental about this back in 2016, the answer was basically that they didn’t think people wanted to see Ian “popping medications all the time,” but I’d argue that it makes any stories they do want to tell about his bipolar disorder weaker. If they just put in a small amount of legwork discussing his disorder—a mention of a doctor’s appointment, a scene of him picking up a prescription—it would make it less like the show is just circling back to his disorder when it’s convenient for the story. The idea that Ian had to search so deeply to realize that it was his bipolar disorder that was creating his reluctance to marry Mickey (or anyone) implies that even he doesn’t have it at the front of his mind, and while perhaps that’s a defense mechanism the show has set the issue aside too long for that to be articulated. I’m happy the show is finally bringing it back to the surface, and Ian and Mickey’s eventual reconciliation will be better for it, but it doesn’t change the mistakes made along the way.”

Could Ian’s bipolar disorder be part-or even the cause-of his issues about marriage?  Absolutely.  Has the show done anything before tonight, other than the Season 5 finale, to indicate this?  Absolutely not. 

Plus, within the episode itself, Ian acts as if Mickey’s the one who has a problem, not him.  He tells the assembled family members that Mickey “will work it out of his system” (with Byron) and then be ready to talk things out, so...

Anyway, to go back to the beginning of the episode-if online friends and others hadn’t pointed out that Ian was thinking of Mickey here

it never would’ve occurred to me that he was.  I’ve never seen Mickey in that bed-and I haven’t seen Mickey and Ian in bed together in YEARS.  Prison bunks don’t count-and even if they did-Mickey bucked him out of there so fast in their first episode this season it couldn’t have counted anyway.  

And that brings me to something that also bothers me about the entire way they’re handling this marriage problem of Ian’s-we haven’t seen Mickey and Ian interact in any meaningful way since they got out of prison.  The writers have been hellbent on throwing even more obstacles in their path at every turn-which, I get, yes, that’s a big part of storytelling.  But these guys have all the traps with none of the downtime to relax and recover together-and to let the audience see what’s going on while catching their breath.  They cut the scenes where it was just two of them in the same room, talking about what we’ll never know because they were CUT.  

These two have had enough angst-if the show really wanted us to believe the logical destination for them was down the wedding aisle, why not give us a season of them growing together instead of tearing them apart again?  They were in prison living right on top of each other-couldn’t the comedy have come from them getting out and sticking just as close, even when they didn’t have to?  Couldn’t we have had scenes of them sitting together on the couch, Mickey drowsing while Ian’s watching some dumb reality dating show Mickey has no interest in, but he’s there because Ian’s there and they both like feeling the warmth their bodies generate merely by being close?  Couldn’t we have them talking in bed, long into the night-Ian asking Mickey to remind him to get a renewal for his prescription; Mickey having an “oh crap” moment when he’s telling Ian how he spilled his Orange Julius on his (cute) khaki shorts and remembers at 2 in the morning that the other pair is in the laundry and Ian tells him it’s fine, he washed them with his own clothes and even ironed them and they’re hanging in the closet?  Have Ian find a You Tube video about making a recipe that tastes “just like” Kentucky Fried Chicken at home to save money, so Mickey’s hanging out in the kitchen while Ian’s attempting to make it with disastrous results and they wind up with Mickey calmly putting the big lid from the spaghetti pot over the grease fire Ian starts in the frying pan and telling Ian he’ll spring for the twenty bucks to get a bucket of extra crispy for their supper?  Couldn’t we have just had that interspersed with actually discussions about what they’re feeling or going through?  The show, via up till now unknown Sandy, tried to convince us it was giving us domestic Gallavich-why didn’t they just write it?

Anyway, I did like the fact that Ian had to wake up, put some clothes on, put his boot on, get himself down the stairs and Mickey was STILL pretending to kiss Byron behind his big honeydew melon helmet after all that implied time passed for Ian to do all that shit with his injury ;)  Mickey is nothing if not fully committed to making sure Ian knows what he’s missing out on.  

Mickey packing up his shit and telling Ian “when you know, you know” was to me equal parts funny and frustrating because it was like he was telling Ian A: Mickey knows how he feels about Ian and B: Ian should know how he feels about Mickey by now-but he clearly doesn’t.  I thought having Mickey say Byron might be a Koch was a weird choice-I don’t think either Mickey or Ian (and most of the show’s target audience) would know that would mean his family-it it’s THOSE Kochs-are rich af, and if the show wanted to argue Mickey thought it meant his heir to the Coca-Cola fortune or that they somehow hold a patent on cocaine they can drop fucking dead.  And the stretch to try to make the joke about Byron studying something from Britain vs “English” was painful.

And flashing back to S6 yet again, the show had Ian belittle Mickey twice-first by saying his emotional IQ is lower than Carl’s actual IQ (and, again, by the end of the show we’re supposed to think it’s Ian who is emotionally blocked, but how are we supposed to believe it or have sympathy when he was mocking Mickey-who is actually quite open with Ian when it comes to his emotions), and then secondly by claiming that Mickey has freakishly small hands.  Well, Ian, you have a freakishly large head, and it doesn’t seem to dwarf Mickey’s mitts:

The scene with Debbie didn’t enrage me for once, and I was shocked.  But I was glad she told him to marry Mickey to make him happy-but again in that scene Ian was searching for a reason after the fact to justify his still even a mystery to him reluctance to marry.  

The scene with Lip was the best one they’re probably going to have for quite a while, maybe ever at the rate the show is going, but again, violent flashbacks to Ian’s Faileb/Trash days when he said “Debbie told me to” (marry Mickey).  Remember those lost seasons where he did anything those bozos told him to and never stood up for himself?  And also, if the show wasn’t wasting so much time with scenes of Frank tied to a bed and Debbie grooming an under-aged girl, Lip and Ian could’ve talked further, maybe delved into what Lip suggests Ian figure out for himself someday.  If we could actually see Ian trying to get to the root of the problem, maybe it wouldn’t feel like the white board didn’t just say something like: Mickey/Ian break up-bipolar???  

Their last scene of the episode had a lot of good stuff in it, even if ultimately it just broke down in the end with the lazy writing.  Ian shoving the ring at Mickey and Mickey being let down by finding out not only is Ian not trying a little too late to salvage the engagement, but he’s making some lame “promise” and claims Gallaghers don’t break their promises-how can he say that to Mickey of all people?  Name one promise Ian KEPT to Mickey!  Noel, as always, plays out so much emotion without saying a word, and the heartbreak is palpable.  And when he says Ian is saying he doesn’t love him enough?  Noel!  He makes it all so real.  And we’re not let off the hook yet.  But Mickey calling Byron by the wrong name, Ian pointing it out, and Mickey countering with he answers to whatever the fuck I call him was a nice throwback to the days of Mickey’s refusal to use Ian’s first name AND all the nicknames he came up with from Fire Crotch to Sleepy Face and Mumbles and almost makes me believe that the writer of the week maybe bothered watching at least the Gallavich scenes videos on You Tube.  Almost.  I’m more ready to believe Noel improvised that line in there himself ;)  

We then get the reuse/recycle scene of Ian saying how there’s so much wrong with him and how he doesn’t know himself from one day to the next (so, again, would’ve been nice if there had been evidence of him feeling that way/dealing with it before last night), when he says to Mickey “how do you know that’s who you want to spend the rest of your life with?” I thought Mickey’s answer of “Jesus Christ, Ian” was perfect.  He wasn’t going to stand there and give Ian a list of the many, many times he’s proven his love for Ian or try to coddle Ian and kiss him to try to make it better.  Mickey’s finally figured out it’s up to Ian to either believe in Mickey’s mighty love or not, but Mickey’s done trying to sell it.  Mickey’s gotta be so tired of all this-all along he’s done what Ian wants, even back when it was putting his own safety in jeopardy (another thing that I hate about the Terry retcon-remember when he was yelling his head off in the background when Mickey told Ian he’d meet him at the store in twenty, even tho it wasn’t a good time?  Ever since that day, Mickey has always done everything in his power to give Ian what Ian thought he needed or wanted from Mickey).  

Anyway, maybe I’m just a bear of very little imagination, but I honestly don’t see that they’re going to write anything that wraps up all this “tension” and Ian’s inability to commit well.  By the end of the episode, I was picturing that they’ll have Mickey and Ian do a non-singing version of the Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge to get Ian over his qualms about marriage.  It fits in perfectly with the writers stealing from other stories, plus the whole thing is 4 minutes, which is considered a long scene for IxM these days.  

The last we see of Ian, he takes a little detour to piss in the Vespa’s tank, and so now we’ve had two scenes of Paula getting at Ian’s junk, one of the Vespa with it, one scene of Mickey’s cousin grabbing Mickey’s dick, while that scene with the mayonnaise lube was the one and only time Ian and Mickey have come close to each other’s genitals/having sex all season.  For all we know, they haven’t had it since-especially since Mickey had that telling line of getting bitchy when nothing’s been up his ass for a while...

(Gif credits: Ian and pillow-sickness-health-all-that-shit, Club kiss-mickeygifs)

[artificialqueens]

Follow Every Rainbow, Chapter 2: Dixit Dominus (branjie) - writworm42

A/N: LAST CHAPTER: The war arrives in Vanessa’s country and, inspired by the activism of the nuns, Vanessa decides to join a convent.THIS CHAPTER: Vanessa has a chance encounter out on the convent grounds.

Sorry for the delay on this, folks!! Hopefully will be able to bring chapter 3 together a bit more quickly, but I will be putting out the last chapter of A Place Where We Can Feel Good and two more quick one-shots first.

There is heavy religious content in this chapter; please take care of yourselves!

Thank you thank you to Holtzmanns for beta-ing <3

In Vanessa’s mind, there was a lot to love about the convent. There were the high ceilings, first of all, concrete arches and buttresses stretching high above her head and allowing her footsteps to echo around the hallways, giving each step impact and making her feel like she’s never alone. Then there were the statues all about the grounds, alabaster Virgin Mothers and copper saints of various patronages stretching out their arms to embrace all who stopped to pray there. There were the confessional booths, deep mahogany wood and heavy velvet curtains that Vanessa had come to see not as places of punishment but of healing, of advice and catharsis from which she could emerge feeling light, like her heart had been cleaned and a weight lifted from her soul.

And of course, there was the chapel—what kind of convent would it be without a chapel, all white and blue and painted with angels and the Lord himself looking down from the Cross, blood and tears gilded in gold? It was enough to make Vanessa feel entirely small and folded up, yet cosmically big and spread out all in one praying breath, even before she looked up at the tabernacle or listened for the hymns sung out from the chapel organ.

Even after all that, though, there was one part of the convent that would forever stick out in Vanessa’s mind, forever remain her favourite place: the winding roads and trails that backed onto the convent, full of gardens and orchards and forests, cut through by babbling brooks waiting to be sat beside. And sit beside them she did.

To Vanessa, even the chapel itself paled in comparison to the convent grounds in terms of the spirituality they inspired in her. There was nothing like walking through the orchard and soaking in everything around herself, watching God’s creation at work even without her. It made her feel humble to know that even if she were inside, life was moving on. Apple blossoms would still transform into fruit, eggs would still crack and give way to naked, chirping chicks. And yet when walking through the grounds, she got to witness it all at work–every blade of grass, every ladybug flying through the air and landing on her dress. It made her aware of every moment, of how lucky she was to exist in it.

It was no wonder, then, that Vanessa’s absolutely favourite place to do morning prayers was out on the grounds. She breathed in Hail Maries with the fresh smell of grass and breathed out Glory Bes on cool sunrise air as laypeople from the community, who were allowed on the grounds as long as they were respectful to it, wandered by and smiled over at her.

Mother Nina, of course, allowed it, on the condition that Vanessa was always in for morning chapel–so Vanessa made sure to try her best. And even when she failed, she would have plenty to report back to everyone at the breakfast table, every thought and realization. Sure, some of the other, older nuns thought it was vanity, but really, Vanessa just couldn’t stand not to share; it was too exciting. And so she walked outside, reflecting and thinking and praying, her heart buoyed by the sound of rustling leaves and singing birds.

Of course, it was harder some days than others, especially when she discovered something new.

Vanessa hadn’t meant to find the brook. She hadn’t even meant to explore, not particularly. She had been sitting in the apple orchard, talking to God and watching the clouds, when a flash of movement burst into her peripheral vision.

A frog.

In an apple orchard?

Vanessa couldn’t justify chasing after the frog, however strange a sight it was. No, the disciplined thing to do would be to keep praying despite the distraction.

Then again, it was entirely possible that the frog was a sign from God–what else would it be doing there? If Vanessa didn’t follow it, she would be ignoring the Lord, and that wasn’t very spiritual of her at all. It was what Jesus would do, she decided, and so she rocketed up and ran after the frog before she could think twice.

As it turned out, the frog wasn’t that easy a target to catch. Vanessa stretched out her arms again and again, creeping up whenever the frog stopped to catch its breath, but inevitably, a twig would snap under foot, or she’d let out a cocky giggle, or the frog would turn around just in time to see her, and the chase resumed. She was out of breath and sweating into her stockings before the frog finally disappeared behind a wall of bushes, a wall that was all too easily penetrable for Vanessa as she slammed her body through it, falling straight into the clearing ahead.

“Oh.” she looked up to see a clear, small stream running over glistening rocks, light just peeking through the greenery around her to give the water an almost romantic shine, and a little girl, no older than five or six, standing on the other side of the brook, holding onto the frog with both hands and staring at Vanessa with an unreadable expression on her face.

“Hi there.” Vanessa started to get up, but before she could fully heave herself off the ground, the girl turned on her heels and ran away.

Well. Good morning to her too, then.

It was only after Vanessa had regained her footing that she stopped to look around herself, and  immediately felt like she had been knocked down all over again.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t noticed that it was beautiful in the brook; rather, she hadn’t realized just how beautiful it was until that moment, when she was finally able to focus on her surroundings. Everything around her was light and sound, gently-blowing winds rustling the canopy of green leaves that curtained the clearing and filled it with a sweet, almost grassy-smell. Birds chirped and called from every direction, their songs blending into some sort of gentle harmony. The earth was soft under her feet, such that even as she walked towards the stream itself, her footsteps made no noise. And the water, Lord, the water–the stream was quiet, though persistent, iridescent under the beams of sun that shone through the canopy, small, splashing waves breaking as they glided and hit stubborn, glistening rocks.

It was so much to feel, so much to absorb, that Vanessa almost didn’t notice the wet slap of her dress against her calf.

Almost. She must have landed in mud when she had tripped, because when she looked down at the heavy, chilled sensation that had hit her leg, she noticed a large, brown smear that covered almost the entire left side of her dress’ hem.

Great. Just great.

Still, things could have been worse. She was in a perfect spot to wash her dress, and she was sure that the walk back to the convent would have it dried before Mass. She crouched careful at the side stream and began to splash the skirt of her dress with its cold, clear water, dutifully scrubbing away the mud from the fabric. Maybe it was the surrounding, maybe it was the excitement of chasing the frog, maybe it was simply the desire to keep herself company while she worked away at the stains–for whatever reason, a hymn crept into her head, and she couldn’t help but sing along.

She walked in the summer through the heat on the hill

She was bound by the wind, and one with her will

Be brave with the burden, you are blessed to bear

For it’s Christ that you carry,

Everywhere

Everywhere

Every–

Chapel bells, loud and unignorable, suddenly rang through the clearing, alarming Vanessa and making her stomach drop.

Mother Mary above. Chapel would be starting right away, and she was still washing her dress.

Fiddlesticks.

Without a second thought, Vanessa heaved up, grabbed her skirts, and ran out of the clearing, out of the orchard, onto the trails that led back up to the chapel. She was almost there–she could see the nuns lining up to file into the sanctuary, an aspirant volunteer holding open its heavy mahogany door, sisters in the front, novices in the middle, and postulants in the back, crossing themselves as they passed the threshold. Almost there, and she wouldn’t be late, she could slide in right between her friends A’Keria and Silky, and the novice directress wouldn’t notice–

Suddenly, she felt herself falling, her foot caught on a rock that was lodged suddenly in the dirt path. She could feel the still-wet hem of her dress hitting her leg again as she went down, watching in slow-motion as the ground got closer–

“Are you alright?” Vanessa opened her eyes in surprise when a pair of arms wrapped around her suddenly, stopping her from hitting the ground. A tall blonde woman stood above her, her brow creased in concern, grip strong as she eased Vanessa up to standing again.

“Oh–Um. Yes, I’m fine.” Vanessa blushed deep red, unable to look away from the stranger’s face, as badly as she felt she wanted to. She wasn’t usually shy around the laypeople who walked through the grounds, but there was something about this woman–something about her presence, how she stood completely straight, how she stared directly at Vanessa almost like she was looking through her, even when her face was nothing but concerned, how her hair was pulled back in a tight updo–that made Vanessa feel as though the breath had been knocked from her chest.

It was when her eyes glided back up to steal another look at the woman when she noticed a little girl, no older than five or six, staring up at her and holding a frog.

So this was Little Miss Rudy-Judy’s mom.

“Did you come from the brook?” The woman cast a look down to Vanessa’s skirt, making Vanessa shrink into herself a little as she nodded.

“Oh dear,” the woman shook her head, “Be careful out there, okay? There’s animals in there, I heard one wailing just now.”

Vanessa reddened further–she knew she wasn’t the greatest singer, but she hadn’t realized she was that bad. She was about to open her mouth to clarify, to ask the woman’s name, when the chapel bell rang again, this time an elaborate melody that signalled that Mass was about to start.

Saint Clare’s crackers, she had to run.

“Sorry, I gotta go–Thank you!” she called over her shoulder as she turned heel and ran, her heart pounding so loudly in her ears that she barely heard theYou’re welcome! Called out after her.

[chairules9]

Tiger in the Rain

As I take the first steps, my hands shake and the walls of my chest converge, squeezing my pounding heart. Pressure builds like a roaring wave and I yearn to release the feral sound from my fingertips. I breathe, reflecting on what this heart has endured. The words come steady, loud, and clear:

My first year of college ended as I stepped into the back of a police car. I had just confessed my plans to take my own life, resulting in two police officers facilitating my admission to a psychiatric hospital. I remember cold feet, showerless days, the chill of my back where the hospital gown wouldn’t close. Pills were prescribed and a label given for my condition: Major Depressive Disorder. I stared into death’s eyes often: mesmerizing, bottomless pools that called me. The feeling was of balancing on the edge of a shadowy abyss, craving downward flight through airy nothingness. I wanted to die because I thought I had no right to live. This is why: identifying as bisexual in a Christian community, I came across a great deal of dissent that invalidated my beliefs and shattered my confidence. Still a child, I took every word from their mouths as the word of God. It was a sin to express my sexual identity, and in order to be Christian, I had to be straight. In order to repay my Heavenly Father for providing me with every good thing, I had to be able to suffer by ripping the sin from my nature. I could not. I thought myself weak because I chose instead to embrace my identity, to be happy and to fall in love. I entered a relationship with a Muslim, and the church frowned upon that. I could not justify my anger: I was wrong and they were right. Because of my profound love for God, I felt guilty for placing my happiness over “God’s will” despite His incomprehensibly infinite love for me. I thought myself worthless, unworthy of the blessings that come with life, so I chose death.

Depression crumpled and compressed my spirit until I became a black hole, converting light and dark alike into nothingness, an unfeeling place purposefully isolated from the universe’s love. After falling deep into myself, I thought my bones were broken from the impact, the excruciating pain. But they weren’t. It took months of support from family, friends, therapists, social workers, and psychiatrists before I realized that my body was not broken and that I possess the capacity to heal. Not only that, but I realized that I possess the right to heal, and in order to do so, I had to trust the mind, heart, and strength that God had given me. I had to choose life in order to find happiness, and this is how it began:

A drizzle of feeling sprinkled down from a God-sent cloud that had wandered into my desert, causing me to stir in the darkness behind closed eyes. I dreamt and felt a desire for movement, to run. The new desire startled me to waking, as before, the strain of walking had brought tears to my eyes. Before, I had pictured myself as a house rotting in its foundations, immobile as stone and fragile as glass. But something new stirred: a desire to move, the pounding of a heart startled to life by its own sound. The desire to live awoke and she was furious, anger burning bright. She roared and shot forth as a tiger leaping into the rain, a streak of fire. Liberation and power coursed through my muscles, stretching and contracting as they shed their cobweb-like fatigue. The jaunty shuffle transitioned into a jog, then a sprint, each step reaffirming my capacity for movement, flexibility, and progress. Breath burned in the volcanic chamber of my lungs and rose in a column of heat, signaling the convergence and divergence of past and present, the birth of new ground under my feet. Each victorious step led to laps that led to miles. God revealed my wings that day and I flew, not downward like I once imagined, but forward.

Since that day, I have traversed the plains, valleys, and mountain ranges characteristic of life. During a particularly nasty downturn, I tried to end myself only to find my will to live cemented. I could not commit the act because I was afraid, because I secretly valued my life. Upon that admission, a hole opened in the sky, and I saw: heat, darkness, and birth to shatter all precedent, an explosion that bloomed marvelously fearful in a rain of stars. And there was that knowing, soulful, sensitive Creator, lovingly sculpting every atom of me. From origin, I had been given permission to embody my being. I am a dream meant to be fulfilled. Thoughts, emotions, and beliefs within me that had shriveled like raisins finally received validation, equaling them in importance to any other’s. On that day, I identified Love, the Creator, as my reason for being. Giving myself permission to pursue happiness, I reached up to grip and claim my life and have never released since.

It has been a year since my admission to the hospital. Now, I run every other day and enjoy studying beach-side. I forgive those who have hurt me because love makes me strong. I give fully, exposing my vulnerabilities for the sake of bettering the whole, knowing that I’m strong enough to take the pain that results. Yet I am learning that we do not need or deserve to experience pain unnecessarily, as we do not need to carry constant emotional burdens. I am learning that we can have discretion in who we choose to give our hearts to without fear of being unloving or closed off because discretion is wisdom, and love is wise. Love is free, unlimited, unstoppable, all-powerful. Because I love myself, I am free to be, to make mistakes, and to grow. I am the grass that grows after being cut and trampled, the seed that takes root after fire. I am soft and durable, strong enough to take external pain on top of my own and to release it, clearing the universal whole. By releasing that pain, by helping ourselves, we are helping the world.

If you are struggling in the dark, I am with you. You are not alone; I share your pain through the universal whole because love is timeless and boundless. Though no one can claim to understand you completely, we share a common humanity, a sense of pain, love, and morality that connects our experiences. We are not responsible for all of the circumstances that plague us, but we are responsible for ourselves, our choices. So I urge you to run with your choices and to experience life in screaming color, to choose what you do and be proud of it. Look within, find what sets your soul on fire, and do it. Listen to the heart you were born with pounding in your chest like a drum and dance to the rhythm within. I’m inviting you to choose life every day and to be proud of it, to live as your true self, unmuddied by external influences, a reflecting pool of truth. You know who you are, even if the knowledge lies dormant within, and you are just as deserving and powerful as any other.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Damnit, why are fanfic authors so GOOD at describing it?

Different authors in different ways.

But it all comes off feeling... familiar, in those moments of... doubt, weakness, anger, loss of control.

And I can only hope, only PRAY to my great golden goddess, that it isn’t from THEIR experience, too.

Because that experience damn-near DESTROYED me. It certainly TRIED.

(Read More’d because it’s about to get weird, in the bad way, in the “not the Nexus, but ME” way, the worst aspects of the things we have in common, I’m sorry, and I can’t be Candid about this publicly, in private maybe but I need to VENT this.)

Do they relate to Raven for the same (the very SAME and most RARE) reasons I do?

The reasons you shouldn’t be able to have in common with a Fictional Character?

The reasons that could destroy you if you let it? And the people AROUND you?

The reasons that make you dangerous?

Are there maybe other people out there, who really DID struggle against something Like That...?

Can there REALLY be others out there who struggled THAT hard? For THAT many years? THAT consistently in their life?

How do they KNOW?

Is it an approximation? Or is it maybe something almost Universal, in the human condition? (Everyone has SOME magic inside them. Sometimes they don’t know it’s there. Most of the time it’s not dangerous. But sometimes... maybe. I don’t know how often. I only know my experience. I only know what it was like for ME. And I’ve NEVER,, not EVER been able to find anyone else outside my Smallest Circle of Early Friends, who had the same kind of power, of struggle, of... internal Hell.)

But what if there ARE others out there who ENDURED that specific brand of personal hell?

(That articular brand of isolation. Getting lost in yourself. Losing yourself to the battle. Forever afraid. Distrusting yourself. Distrusting your mind. Distrusting your power, your gifts, being TERRIFIED of what happens the moment you let your guard down...)

Never really being able to trust that it’ll be okay. Because it wouldn’t. It would be DEVASTATING.

And these authors... It just tore me apart, realizing that some of them capture it so PERFECTLY, imagining that maybe someone else had to endure all that, too.

Because some of them, these writings, are just... ........that’s LITERALLY what I felt like.

Sure, okay, maybe the Nexus Connections have SOMETHING to do with it... (At least, ME knowing what it felt like.)

...but That Connection didn’t open until...  stars, I don’t know the date. Relatively early on. But only ever AFTER the fight had already begun. The moments of panic. The risk of Losing It Entirely. The DEPTH of that Nexus connection absolutely was not IMMEDIATE. Initially: Cursory at best.

Was it BEFORE or AFTER that moment, the devastation Thorn wrought, destroying Holly, destroying EVERYTHING.... ...I know 6-10-09 was BEFORE my spirit guide really showed herself, and 6-10-09 was the first time I FULLY triumphed. I think Holly’s death was before that. Maybe WELL before that. (Hell, maybe they were the same day... I just don’t remember the timeline. Just the emotional devastation... and then the immensity of exhaustion, triumph, and relief.)

My point is, the Nexus Connection wasn’t ALL I felt That From.

It was entirely my own experience. I was alone with it, for the longest time. And it was only through stories and that I found ANY solace... Any guidance. Maybe even, any HOPE.

(...no.. no, it was certainly only from the stories I found hope. I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it without being accused of cruelty, selfishness, delusions, psychosis.)

But I can’t blame them. This isn’t the kind of fight, or fear, or “influence” that’s meant for the masses.

And it was certainly a fight I could only win within MYSELF.

Friends helped. (The first friend I opened up to... gods, I wonder whatever happened to RNO? I never had a chance to tell him how his reassurances, his trust, his faith, impacted me to this very DAY.)

The first person to ever remind me that I was, indeed, in every way that mattered, human. And that was okay, too.

(I’m sorry, I’m rambling and dissembling because I have to. I’m sorry... I did warn you though, if you dared to read this.)

I may have won. I may have learned restraint. But it still makes me TREMBLE, just to remember...

You read a certain phrase, a certain descriptor, and it brings it all back....

It’s never over, that’s the thing. When you fight against something INSIDE you, something born of YOU yourself, it never really goes away. It might change, transform, fade into background noise. (......sometimes.) But it never really goes away.

When you’re scarred by your own experience, psychologically, no doubt astrally, I guess the memory, that feeling, never really goes away, either.

I spent so long, so LONG fighting. I spent so many hours, weeks, years, DEDICATING myself to the fight. To the point where I defined myself by it.

It was always in my Name. But fighting, for that BALANCE... The freedom I craved, the restraint I had to employ, for compassion, for hope, for the ability to Be Safe (for others) Out There....

I dedicated myself to the cause so absolutely, that I lost touch with my own individuality. I struggled to maintain my singularity in a world of conflict and energies constantly vying for my attention (and being an empath absolutely DID NOT help that). I restrained myself, without pause, without exception, without mercy. I learned to monitor my thoughts, at age TEN! Maybe sooner; gods, I was EIGHT when I first realized, my emotions had Unintended Consequences. I was twelve when I started meditating. Between 14 and 16, I was teaching myself to Dissociate From Myself. My feelings. My reactions. My opinions. My experience. Worst of all, my rage, my pain, my suffering. I learned how to divorce myself from so much of what makes up The Human Experience, in defense against The Inhuman Threat. 

I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t imagine how I could have done it any differently, even knowing what I know now... (Because it IS so all-consuming, and that WAS my only defense. To separate myself. To discipline my thoughts. I learned how to do that entirely too young, and even now, at age fucking 25, I struggle to make decisions for MYSELF, because I evaluate things based on “What is Safest?”)

I don’t have to anymore.

But the perpetual internal struggle left its mark. It absolutely destroyed my sense of innocence, and left a world of personal responsibility on my shoulders, for things I can’t understand, and can never justify. They just ARE.

Maybe someday I’ll know how, learn why, find something more than “bitter irony” and “maybe Real Karma” based on my past lives. But in this life? I spent so long fearing, struggling, and dissecting my identity, that now I don’t know how to just, BE.

I think, it was FORMATIVE, but I wish I had known it would be okay. That everything I feared wouldn’t come to be. That I WOULD win; that I DID have the strength; that I WAS able to take back control after all, and that, one day, eventually, I would be able to get back in touch with myself, and express myself safely, and be with somebody who loves me, despite my distance, despite my inability to Share Everything, to be able to find a Family and Belonging and Friends who could learn these things about me, and still LOVE me!

I wish I had known that I wasn’t to be broken forever. That I would heal. I would learn. I would become stronger, through trial by fire. Maybe literally. I wish I had known everything she destroyed would grow back. (I was brought to TEARS, in a time of my life when I relentlessly subdued ALL emotion, banned myself from ALL expression, fought against every single little motion of my heart-- I was moved to tears, by the vision of The Forest Growing Back.)

I still hold that image so incredibly close to my heart.

She didn’t destroy me, after all.

I still had a lot to learn. But that alone? One of the most life-changing lessons...

....because that’s what I feared. Among so many other things, that I wasn’t anything more than a ticking time bomb. I was going to be destroyed from the inside out, and everything I kept locked in would escape.

I didn’t know how I thought it would happen. It was a fear-- a panic-inducing . The one thing in my life that has ever superceded my phobia in terms of Pure Emotional Terror. Nightmares, visions, shifts in the mindscape, my own internal voices betraying me, worry edging into my thoughts when I was alone, when I felt just a LITTLE too much. Whenever I felt my own energy shift, I went into Lockdown Mode. Just in case. JUST in CASE.

And it blows me away that authors can find that reaction in their own stories. Granted, to the character I relate to for those very reasons, who has so many of the same fears and struggles. “My mind is a battlefield, ripped and whipped asunder, torn from the very fabric of reality.”

I just hope, so so desperately, that when authors write what that’s like, and they hit the nail on the head: it is NOT because they experienced that for themselves.

Because it hurts. It’s terrifying. And it threatens to tear you apart when you spend that much of your life constantly FIGHTING.

Gods, I hope that isn’t from experience....

[khalilhumam]

For LGBTQ+ people in Mongolia, stigma is a fact of life

New Post has been published on http://khalilhumam.com/for-lgbtq-people-in-mongolia-stigma-is-a-fact-of-life/

For LGBTQ+ people in Mongolia, stigma is a fact of life

Erdene shares her story of coming out in Mongolia

A rainbow flag outside the Great Khural, Mongolia's parliament building, Ulaanbaatar, March 2019. Photo (c): The LGBT Centre Mongolia. Used with permission.

During the summer of 2017, I spent some months in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia’s capital city. There, I met a young woman in her second year of university, who told me about the difficulties of being an LGBTQ+ person in the country. I was immediately struck by the gravity of some of the situations she portrayed. Although she was only 19 years old, she had already faced such discrimination herself. I knew that she would have valuable insight into what younger members of the country's LGBTQ+ community were going through.

Mongolia is a country with a history of discrimination against LGBTQ+ people. Even though laws exist to protect them, it is not uncommon to read reports of bisexual and homosexual people who have been beaten, raped, or even kidnapped by hate groups. There are some cautious signs of change. At the end of last year, police brought charges against a far-right group after an attack on a transgender sex worker, in a rare case of the authorities investigating an anti-LGBTQ+ hate crime.

So when I suggested that I interview her, she responded that she had to think about it. She was scared that having her name out could put her and her relatives in danger, she said. Eventually, she accepted: the silence had to be broken. She just had two requests: that I would conceal her real identity, and that I would let some time pass before publishing her words.

In 2020, we decided that three years were a period long enough. And to honour her request regarding her identity, I decided to give her the pseudonym of Erdene, which means “jewel” in Mongolian. The interview has been edited for brevity and style.

“I had many problems related to my sexual orientation”, Erdene began.

In Mongolia, she continued, sexual discrimination doesn’t always hit you directly. “People don’t really understand when you speak about ‘sexual orientation’. If I had to tell the average Mongolian that I’m bisexual, they would be like: ‘Oh… Ok’. They wouldn’t react either positively or negatively. Because they wouldn’t understand. But if I showed it with my actions – that would make them surprised”, she continued.

Amedeo Bastiano: How would they react?

Erdene: If you are a girl and you walk hand in hand with another girl, people will just think that you two are friends. No one would suspect you’re a couple. But you would never kiss another girl in public. If you did, people might insult you and yell at you. Especially the elderly and the conservative. Most likely, somebody would approach you and make you stop.

It happened to a friend of mine. She and another girl were dating; once, they went to a park and started kissing. Two guys approached them, saying: ‘Hey, what are you doing?! You both should be kissing guys. Why are you kissing each other?’ Then they forced my friend and the other girl to stop.

People react more strongly to males. If two guys hold each other’s hands, other people would beat them up. That's not uncommon.

AB: Is there any community which provides support to LGBTQ+ people in Mongolia?

E: Yes, there is a small community, a small LGBT centre, and it’s trying to get its voice heard. I joined it. We have a pride march, a pride week and so on… But only a few people participate. Last time [in 2017], at the pride walk, there were fewer than 50 of us. There is no media coverage; almost nobody knows that such events take place. And when people don’t speak about our activities, the impact of what we do fades away quickly. Many don’t even know that an actual LGBTQ+ centre exists. The people who ‘work’ there are all volunteers. They get a very small fraction of tax money, because they are registered as a non-profit organisation.

AB: So, its volunteers are not paid by the government – or not directly. How is the LGBT centre seen by state institutions?

E: Not positively. Mongolia is officially a democracy, and as a democracy it is obliged to defend people’s rights – LGBTQ+ ones included. Our ability to have a community, to be heard, and so on. But in reality, politicians don’t like us. Regardless of their party. They don’t have any interest in protecting us. So they keep silent and hinder any possible change. The centre had to fight really hard to get the small governmental help it now receives. And that took about five years.

Sexual discrimination is a crime under Mongolian law. Harming people because of their sexual orientation or sexual identity [should] involve severe punishments. But this remains a dead letter: everyone ignores the law. If you call the police saying that you’ve been discriminated against, no one will come. And many people – many cops as well as many LGBTQ+ people – don’t even know that such a law exists.

AB: Why are people so uninformed?

E: There are many reasons. The first is the obstructionism of politics; right after come money and fear.

Lately, there have been many new young people visiting the centre. They were 16 to 18 years of age. And they all lamented that they couldn’t retrieve details about the centre anywhere.

Let’s imagine that someone gets harassed or discriminated against. That person won’t know where to turn to. It’s just impossible to find something saying: ‘If you are in a difficult situation, call this number, or go to this place’. There's not even a panel, nor a flyer. When people get harassed, they will most likely be alone, feel alone, and will have to bear their suffering in silence, without the possibility to find comfort and help. They'll probably continue to face discrimination for a long time without seeing any possibility to improve their condition.

This is because those who run the centre don’t do enough advertising. It's not their fault, though. They don’t have enough money to print things out. And on the internet, despite them having a Facebook page and all that, people are afraid of having their name associated with the centre. Members of the community don’t want to share links, send e-mails, or invite their friends to events. Because they don’t want to be discriminated against. Or discriminated against even more. Those who run the centre do what they can. They work really hard. But after all, there's only four of them. You cannot ask too much of four people who work as volunteers. The possibilities are limited.

AB: How big is the LGBT community in Mongolia?

E: Officially the community has between 300 and 500 members. But there are way more LGBTQ+ people in Mongolia. Way more. There has been a survey, and it showed around 30,000 people across the country. But even those who organised that survey know that the real number is much higher. People just don’t talk. Of all the Mongolians I directly or indirectly know, I can recall less than 10 people who fully came out, including public figures. And now that I think about it, they are all women. Not a single man admitted to be gay.

AB: Given how difficult the situation in Mongolia is for LGBTQ+ people, why did you decide to come out?

E: I made this choice because of a friend. In the past, she had a girlfriend with a masculine appearance: she looked like a guy. A gay guy, maybe. She was beaten up twice just because of how she looked.

One time was on the streets at night. The other time was at an LGBTQ+ party. Sometimes we organise parties in the city. They are private events: we prepare a list, and only members of our community who register in advance are admitted. When this girl was beaten, there were three people waiting for us outside the place where we held the party. They tried to get inside the venue, but when they approached the entrance, the bouncer told them: ‘You cannot enter. There’s an LGBT party going on’. So they decided to wait for somebody to exit. He should have said: ‘Sorry, this is a private event’, and nothing else. But he decided to be specific.

He did it on purpose. By telling those three what was going on inside the place, he facilitated the situation. If you work in security, you should be able to tell at first sight when a group of jerks wants to get into a fight, right? You don’t give them a reason. Plus, when the three guys started hitting the girl – who was a customer of the venue he was working at – he didn’t lift a finger. He wanted her to be beaten.

Those three knew she was a girl. When they started, my friend told them. They could understand that from her voice. But they didn’t care. They just wanted to beat her. They felt justified by the fact she looked like a male, so they could get violent. That made me understand what discrimination can lead to. And that awareness is why I’m open about my orientation. I am open, because nobody [else] is. Because if nobody speaks out about the situation, nobody will know. And I want people to know. I want people in this society, especially people my age, to know and to start accepting those who are different.

AB: How did the people close to you react when you opened up about your orientation?

E: I lost a few friends after saying that I am bisexual. Both male and female friends. But I’m actually happier. It’s better to have friends who accept you for what you are, than fake friends who will always be ready to turn their backs on you. My mother knows; my father doesn’t. But here in Mongolia, almost nobody tells their parents. LGBTQ+ people never speak – not even with close friends. They open up only with other members of the community.

When your parents discover your orientation, you almost always have a hard time. I have a direct example of this. I know another girl. Her parents knew she was engaged to someone of the same sex… But not because she told them. They got some clues, read a few messages… When they realised, they cut her internet connection, took her phone and her notebook, and forced her to stay home for two weeks. Then, they made her break up with her girlfriend. This is the typical situation young LGBTQ+ people go through in Mongolia.

For me, it was different. My mother studied abroad, and is a very informed, open-minded person. One time, she asked me if I was happy with the person I was dating. She probably suspected that I was seeing a girl. I said that yes, I was. The only thing she answered me was: ‘If you’re happy, do anything you want. I accept you, I love you, and will accept and love you no matter what. If you’re happy, I’m happy too’. That's extremely rare here.

My mother made me understand how big the impact of your parents can be. How important it is to have their love, how much they can influence your happiness. If it wasn’t for her, I would have felt much more alone and isolated.

AB: Do you think there’s any chance for the situation to improve, in the future?

E: In Mongolia, plenty of people still think that homosexuality is a mental illness. When they find out that someone is gay or lesbian, they are disgusted, and will look for a way to cure the person.

Sometimes, Western people see being bisexual as better than being being lesbian, because you still ‘like the opposite sex’. But here, it’s more the fact that you’re attracted by the same one. People think that if you’re not 100 percent straight, you’re not able to feel love like ‘normal people’. They don’t believe you are able to have regular emotions, control over your sexuality, or a normal relationship. They think you cannot by any means be faithful.

The situation is getting better. The number of subscriptions to the LGBTQ+ centre is rising, especially among young people. We’re getting more visibility, and some foreign [LGBTQ+] centres are promoting our image abroad. Moreover, many Mongolians are now moving to other countries to study or work, and there, they can embrace a more tolerant point of view, like my mother.

But changes need time. That's why I want to leave: I’m proud of being Mongolian, but I cannot constantly be crushed by the hatred of my society.

Editor's note: The LGBT Centre Mongolia was not involved in the production of this article 

Written by Amedeo Bastiano · comments (0) Donate · Share this: twitter facebook reddit

[gaiatheorist]

Plastic straws, and platitudes.

I should be breathing an enormous sigh of relief, having the tribunal panel’s decision that I qualify for a three year period of having an ‘official’ disability on paper. It’s me, though, I’m caught up in a turmoil-Tsunami about what could go wrong next. Not the physical fact that my eyes have been consistently ‘bad’ for four days now, and the third aneurysm is sitting in the part of my brain that controls the blood supply to my retinas, that’s too obvious. I’ll have a scan in September, hopefully I won’t go completely and permanently blind before that. What I’m over-processing is the fact that DWP can still attempt to block or delay the legal overturn of their original ‘decision’, that I’m not-disabled-enough to qualify for support.

DWP’s ‘decision’ wasn’t really a decision at all, it was a copy-pasted nightmare of jumbled-assumptions, in the hope that I’d go “Oh, well, that’s that, I’d better just get on with it on my own.” Like I did the first time, I’ve found my original eloquent-articulate self-doubt post on one of the forums I used at the time of the first application, and, ‘reading for content’, I was a plastic straw person at that point. Not to be confused with a ‘strawman’, like, say “People faking disability to claim benefits.” 

The plastic straw people have been out in force since the government had the bright idea of ‘banning’ single-use plastic straws, in a vain attempt to be seen to be doing something positive, in amongst all the negative, and all the nothing they’re currently doing. Straw-splainers are very fond of the phrase “Can’t you just...?”, because ‘just’ is a very tiny word to them; I can’t ‘just’ do a lot of things, ‘just’ is not a small consideration for me. Plastic straws are not an issue for me, but there’s another wave of insidious not-disabled-enough rhetoric bubbling up amongst sections of the non-disabled public, just what I don’t need after horrible years and a few very stressful months of evidencing that I am disabled-enough. 

Before the brain haemorrhage, I still had a plethora of medical issues, I used to joke that I did my Christmas shopping on the NHS direct website, but I could mostly ‘pass’ for whatever-normal-is. I could ‘just’ say “Can I move seats, I can’t sit in this light?” or “Will you help me with this, please? My left hand has reduced function.” I could ‘just’ keep my office blinds closed to reduce the risk of losing working hours to photo-sensitive hemiplegic migraine, and patiently re-close them every time some other person came in and trilled “Oooh, I don’t know how you see anything in here!” I could ‘just’ wear extra layers of clothing, to ease the impacts of the Raynaud’s and Arthritis, I could ‘just’ say “No, thank you.” to foods that I knew would flare my stomach issues up. I could ‘just’ keep going through the sporadic stretches of poor mental health. That perseverance and pragmatism is hard-wired, even when I really, REALLY want to give up, I don’t, which has put me in mind of Venus DeMileage’s utterly beautiful book ‘The Avenue of Regrettable Farewells: A Tale Untold In The Telling’, but I mustn’t get sidetracked. I was a plastic straw person. I ‘could’ function, despite my veritable telephone-directory of underlying ailments, so I couldn’t see why other people couldn’t. (Another side-rabbit-hole I mustn’t go down is how consistent with Autism some of my beliefs and behaviours are.)

I know what the plastic straw people are doing, because, to a lesser degree, I used to be one of them. Some of them ‘see no ships’ from where they are, and some of them think that a stiff upper lip is a panacea. Some of them, however, are insensitively deluded that everyone has the same level of functionality that they do. The dismissive “Can’t you just...?” crew, lacking in the empathetic department. *I* can do all manner of things that ‘most’ people can’t, but, after the initial tut-and-head-shake that Brenda from accounts can’t un-jam the printer, or Doris can’t lift a five-litre water bottle, or Bob doesn’t know how to gut a fish, I don’t spend hours me-splaining, I ask if they want help. (Part of my undoing was seeing ‘help’ as a four-letter-word, most people learned to be cagey-cautious around offering to do things ‘for’ me. That tenacity was do-able before the brain injuries, less-so afterwards, but the pattern was embedded.) 

What I’m seeing creeping through my internet window on the world is an increase in the not-disabled-enough nonsense, and I know that some of ‘us’, with less-visible disabilities are catching the sharp side of it. Personally, I’ve modified most of my behaviours and activities to ensure that my disability has as little impact on others as possible. I just don’t like inconveniencing people, so anything I ‘need’ to do is done early in the day, while I’m more lucid, and less fatigued. The dread-of-being-caught creeps in here, because I ‘can’ sometimes walk to Tesco, and manage a basket around the shop without incident. Only ever during the early part of the day, and certainly not every week. Process that, plastic straw people, sometimes I’m not physically capable of ‘popping into Tesco for milk.’ (There’s a 25-page document I didn’t present at my tribunal, detailing all the things I could remember having difficulties with, and how I adapted to avoid risk to self or others, I just chose ‘popping to the supermarket for milk’ as an ‘everyday’ example.) Yes, Janet, you DID see me in Tesco three weeks last Tuesday, and no, that doesn’t mean I’m fully functional, and a benefit fraudster. 

In the same way as I ‘can’ do what I need to to survive, thousands, if not millions of other people in the UK are adapting to their limitations, at variable levels of cost to themselves. I don’t drive, so I haven’t been tutted at for parking in a disabled bay, and I consciously try to avoid the need to use public toilets, so I don’t have an argument with any randoms that “That toilet is for disabled people.” I don’t need to use plastic straws to drink, so I haven’t had to justify to anyone why their ‘just’ alternative wouldn’t be viable. ‘Had to’ is my issue, I don’t ‘have to’ explain myself to anyone, BUT I deliberately go out of my way to avoid situations where people might think they were owed justification of why I appear to have stopped to tie the laces on slip-on shoes. (It’s vertigo, I’d had instances of it before the aneurysm ruptured, it’s always there now, at a background level, sometimes it peaks, and I feel like I’m going to fall over, ‘tying my shoes’ puts me closer to the ground when I do actually wobble, and I’ll always make every effort to ‘get out of the way’ when I do squat down.) 

The platitudes. Gods save me from the in-laws, who are due to pick up my son this afternoon. To their minds, I’m ‘better’, in part because I’ve minimised my difficulties for so long, and in part because I avoid them like the plague. They don’t see me shambling about the place half-blind, because I deliberately sit down when they arrive. (In my alcove ‘office’, so they can’t try to touch me.) They don’t believe in mental illness, and they’re ancient, so they know a LOT of people with disabilities and health conditions that they class as ‘worse’ than the level of superficial functionality they see in me. I didn’t have to have speech therapy, like uncle Roger did after his stroke. I don’t have visible scars from cancer surgery like two of my ex brothers-in-law. I don’t have a blue badge in my car. I don’t answer the door to them in food-stained pyjamas, so I’m “Looking well!”

They, and other older people, LOVE to talk about other people’s infirmities, but, with my adaptations that don’t include plastic straws, I appear functional for the narrow windows they see me in, so it’s platitudes-ahoy. “It could have been worse, lass.” “You’re lucky, lass.” I have to be very cautious with that one, because the father-in-law’s first wife died as a result of a brain haemorrhage. That cagey-caution led to one of my dodgy coping strategies, the practice of telling people I was ‘fine’ when they asked, because I simply couldn’t tolerate the platitudes that would pour out of them if I said anything else. Everybody seemed to have a next-door-neighbour’s distant cousin three-times-removed who’d had brain surgery, or a stroke, and were ‘so brave’ about it, putting the increasingly-automatic adaptations I was making just to exist into perspective. I rarely mention in ‘real life’ that I have a constant background headache, that most of the time I feel as if the room is spinning around me, or that I have roaming blind-spots that frequently join up, leaving me ‘legally blind.’ There’s a massive catalogue of constant and fluctuating symptoms that come with my damaged brain that I just don’t mention, because the emotional/psychological side of the brain injuries have reduced my capacity to deal with platitudes. 

Yes, it could have been worse, and yes, it’s lovely that your next door neighbour’s sister-uncle had a stroke, and learned to ride a unicycle afterwards, but it’s not particularly relevant to me, is it? It’s not even just lay-people and random acquaintances, it’s medical-people, too, I wanted to bite my counsellor’s nose off every time he said “Some people wouldn’t have been resilient enough to come through that!”, and every time my (lovely) GP starts one of his rambling “Some people...” anecdotes, it’s really hard not to look at my watch. Even the neuro-psychologist did it, and I’m sure she wasn’t prepared for my ‘Good enough ISN’T enough’ response.

I know it’s social conditioning, that, faced with an unpalatable truth, the vast majority of people will default to ‘look on the bright side’ and ‘it could have been worse’ responses, before starting with the unsolicited advice. For me, no amount of mindfulness, or yoga, or fish-oil, or ANYTHING is going to undo the fact that I have brain damage. My son ‘gets it’, and will occasionally joke “Have you tried just NOT having brain damage?” when he catches me doing something more-odd-than-usual. I am relatively functional for a smaller part of the day than a fully-able person, and I’m only able to sustain that window of functionality through masses of exhausting adaptations. Have I tried not-adapting, to extend my lucid window? No, I haven’t, because the adaptations are what keep me more-safe. Without always knowing where the next thing I can grab, or lean on is, I fall over a lot. Without having sufficient notice to plan any journey, my anxieties about the potential difficulties I could have tip me into a what-if loop that makes me physically ill. There are multiple tedious adaptations to every aspect of my life now, and plastic straw people don’t see what I can’t do. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this any more, I’m in limbo with the disability benefit and the unemployment benefit, and I’m scheduled to meet my work-coach AND be re-assessed by the mental health team next week. The work-coach will give me ‘chin up’ platitudes, and the mental health team will be baffled that I know what I’m doing wrong, but don’t seem able to stop it. What I’m doing wrong is trying to survive as a disabled person in a very able-focused world. The disability and unemployment processes in the UK are hideous, skewed-snapshots of whether I can hold a pen and such, rather than whether I’d be able to hold a pen all day without sticking it up my nose when the cognitive fatigue kicks in. The plastic straws that the government want to ‘take’ are the visible tip of the iceberg, the underlying part being the insidious restructure of support and benefit systems, that the people who don’t need plastic straws aren’t aware of. They’re aware of the bluff and bluster about ‘making work pay’, and ‘more rigorous testing to reduce fraud’, and, of course, they’ve all seen the newspaper reports and TV programmes about benefit cheats. The disabled aren’t just disadvantaged, we’re virtually demonized, then damned if we do/don’t. This ignorant backlash against something as seemingly innocuous as plastic straws is a ripple in a stream that was already turbulent, it’s spreading, while-ever fully able people feel they’re entitled to judge, question, and make assumption about the abilities of people with disabilities.   

To some people, it’s ‘just’ a plastic straw, and, for some of those people a platitude about their great-uncle Bulgaria who lost both legs, and then crawled a marathon is meant to either motivate or shame the disabled person who still has both legs. We’re not looking at life from the same angle, it’s not fair to assume that because ‘you’ can perform action-x, everyone can, that’s how children think, not adults. (With the exception of adults with disabilities consistent with Autism...) It’s not ‘just’ a straw, for some people this guilty-until-proven-innocent society we’re becoming will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.