#like when i told her i was stressed out and she went thru all the reasons i cant be stressed basically boiling down to im lazy

[wintersera]

sick and twisted || stepsibling g!p winrina x virgin!freader

notes: making a comeback. sorry anon for the long ass delay, but i also merged it with another ask bc i thought it would work well together. do NAWT ask why i took so long- i was going thru it 😭😭

cw: porn with plot, stepcest/pseudo incest, noncon -> dubcon, g!p dom winrina, virgin!reader, corruption, use of cuffs, oral (giving), blackmail, biting/marking, creampie, gagging, degredation, slapping, family issues, arguments, mentions of divorce.

wc 3.9k

if you told jimin and minjeong that they would have another step-sibling in their life they would scoff at you, then laugh and say that’s not possible… then scoff in your face again.

yet here they were moving into another house their father bought for you and your mother.

isn’t that fun?

jimin, the actual biological child, was born and raised with a hot headed mother and poor excuse of a father. living with the two was hell for her, dealing with her mothers bull shittery almost every damn day.. and the absence of her father always led to her mother lashing out at her and never him. longer down the line of their shitty marriage, the father decided to pull the trigger and divorce her for good. maybe it was money issues? maybe it was something else? jimin didnt like to pry and she was glad she left it like that.

minjeong was the child of a broke, whorish and shitty woman. the marriage between jimin's father and minjeong’s mother actually lasted quite a while… to their surprise. who knew another horrid woman in this rich fuck of a man’s life would actually do some good to the both of them.

they ended up acting like they knew each other from day one- like i kid you not, they were inseparable. even after the divorce of their father and mother they still stayed together, obviously choosing their dad because god that man was rich as hell and they knew that they could use some privilege from it. not only that, but for some reason their dad loosened up a little, he actually became a much better person and worked on his self improvement, unlike minjeong’s mother who stayed a cheating BITCH … no wonder why their father divorced her sorry ass.

but beside the point. jimin, minjeong and their father arrived at the new mansion. somewhere secluded and somewhere breathtaking- only because your step father really thought your mother was the one and only woman for him.

jiminjeong, without prior notice to their fathers new found wife, and no knowledge of the womans daughter, were left shocked when they saw the two of you enter through the mansion’s doors.

your first impressions weren’t good at all… your mother looked and acted like- guess what?!! a bitch… and you? you seemed pretty decent at first, so jimin and minjeong didn’t really care. yeah, unfortunately they didn’t click with you, but they thought that they should give it some time. you were unfamiliar with the new environment and they knew it would cause crazy anxiety.

—

a couple months into the family and you and your mother finally started to act comfortably around the rest. it didn’t take long for you mother to start acting up though- frankly she opened up too much, as in, she started to become more and more of an asshole as the months went by. at first it started as simple requests from your step father. she would go around the house demanding him to buy this and that. her ego grew… and when i say grew, it inflated actually. nothing could stop her from being a prick, and unfortunately she influenced you to act like the same way.

she had a plan- she really didn’t love your step father. instead she was really just into it for the money. and of course, you knew that plan from the beginning. as much as you didn’t like your mother, the plan wasn’t half bad- deciding to stay with her was the right choice, well you thought so anyways. anything for money i guess.

the workload he had stressed your step father out so much and your mothers constant requests for money really didn’t help. berating him almost every day, sometimes she would go so far to the point of him having to lock himself in his office just so he could avoid her.

only 6 months of living together and she’s already driving him crazy? jimin and minjeong looked at each other in disbelief, surely you wouldn’t join in on the disruptive behaviour… right?

oh they were so wrong.

YOU-

you wanted the plan to go well too… you needed that cash. fuck your mother and everything, that cash meant more than your strained bond. you wanted it for yourself, so now it was your turn to fuck around and be a dick head.

doing everything in your power to get money from your step father, like your mother did. it started out all simple and sweet.. you know like casually asking for allowance, and since he was rich as fuck, allowance was usually something around 2k per ask. racking up the money somewhere in your room for yourself, you didn’t realise jimin and minjeong were staring at you through the crack of the door.

jimin carefully lowered herself to minjeong’s height, making sure you wouldn’t be able to hear an utter from her. whispering in her ear “what a waste… she’s pretty but she’s a money stealing prick”

somehow minjeong was calm about it, thinking you were just stashing it up because she knew you were previously broke. she’s been in that same situation, showing some sort of empathy towards you “i mean.. she hasn’t done any bad yet… well i hope she never does actually. i hope she’s not like her mom”

jimin scoffs “i doubt that”

the sound of something dropping on the floor caught their attention, you’d dropped a bag of some sort. their hearts beating out of their chests thinking that you had caught them watching you. thankfully you didn’t, uttering under a few curses under your breath and nothing else. sighing in relief, they had back to their respective rooms and called it a day.

that was until they heard you shouting downstairs after a couple of hours.

“fuck you mean you can’t give me any more money. aren’t you supposed to be my dad? you know, someone who cares for their children and shit”

jimin woke up first, creeping into minjeongs room and shaking her awake “…mmm… huh? what’s up”

“don’t be surprised, but i think y/n is arguing with our dad… told you she was like her mom”

sneaking their way downstairs, tiptoeing so they wouldn’t be heard. they notice their dad hunched over in the couch, his hands covering his face in.. anger? or sadness. they couldn’t tell.

“GOD- fuck you’re such a shit step dad… you know what fuck you” the step father being on the verge of tears, the way he balled up his fists, the way his face was red hot and the way he was biting down hard on his lip, you knew it was was working and you knew you were such a shit person for it, you were growing heated too- for some reason. mothers genetics you could say.

“you couldn’t keep your first wife, and you couldn’t keep your second wife?! and now you’re going to lose your third all because you can’t provide for your family like the good man you are.” you laughed in his face and clicked your tongue “ahhh it all makes sense now. you're a miserable excuse of a father and a poor excuse of a husband. you’re rich as hell i dont know why you can’t give me anymore money…”

“i-i.. i’m trying my best you know y/n” voice cracking “i’m doing my best to keep the family together… i just want us to be happy”

“yeah well you’re not doing a good job now are you? hell, you’re also a shitty example of a man too. go ahead and write those divorce papers. i’m sick of your shit”

with that, you walked back upstairs, jimin and minjeong running back up trying not to get caught.

you’d struck a nerve in them, witnessing you berate their dad knowing that he’s a changed man, made them vexed. jimin had been peering at your face, an obvious crease in her forehead and in between her brows made it obvious that she was planning something sick. minjeong had a cold and blank scowl.

they both gave each other knowing looks, a smirk on both of their faces… whatever they had in mind was not morally right, but they couldn’t care less.

—

sleeping soundly after the whole argument, glad that you could possibly get something out of it by the time you woke up, you failed to hear the sound of your lock being picked open.

jimin creeped towards your bed, gritting her teeth as she tried her very best not to punch you in the face. utter disgust was the one thing she was feeling, looking at you made her grimace. she found you pretty at first glance but after she witnessed you tear down her dad, her vision was shattered. even if she wanted to beat you up, she couldn’t, she wanted to defile you first. with shaky hands, she lifted the thick bed sheets off of your body, carefully stripped you out of your clothes and gazed at your naked body. she lightly slapped her cheek, you looked good bare but she didn’t let that take over her… yet.

she hooked your wrist onto the bed frame. the cold icy feeling of the cuffs latching onto your left wrist made you stir in your sleep, yet it wasn’t enough to wake you up from your deep slumber.

minjeong had the job of writing on you. depriving your humanity by writing objectifying words on your bare stomach. words such as ‘slut’, ‘filthy whore’, ‘gold digger’, were written across your stomach, thighs and legs. if it wasn’t humiliating enough, she took pics just for safe measures. it was horrible, yes she knew that.

she thought how genius it would be to draw an arrow on your lower abdomen pointing down towards your pussy, the words above saying ��use here’. giggling to herself as she snapped another pic.

the flash from minjeong’s camera startled you. waking up grumpily asking “what the fuck is going on” as you tug on your arm, only to realise that you’ve chained to the bed.

first thing you noticed was minjeong’s camera pointing towards you, bright flash blinding your eyes “fuck- shit, this isn’t funny. turn the camera off” the chains on the cuff rattling as you attempt to pry them off “guys… this isn’t funny… take it off”

second thing you realised was the lack of clothing. the chilly air hit your body, goosebumps forming on your skin. the warmth of the blanket was no more and the intense humiliation began to seep into your body.

thirdly, the writing on your stomach and legs as you look down analysing the situation.

“you shouldn’t have said that earlier. the disrespect you have… yu y/n you’re disgusting” jimin spat at you, her gaze turned towards minjeong who then nodded. afraid that they would kill you right on the spot, automatically you started to sob out pathetic pleas

“listen, shit- i’m sorry. i was desperate okay… he should’ve given me the money anyway- cut me some slack, it was only a one time thing. you know, me and my mom rea-“

a hand flew to your face “shut the fuck up” she left a red stinging mark on your cheek- well deserved. minjeong gritted her teeth, she didn’t want her dad to wake up to another argument yet alone waking up to his two kids fight his other kid “this picture i took.. do you want this to be uploaded everywhere?” rapidly shaking your head in denial. the image in question was so vulgar, your legs being spread apart while the words ‘use here’ were pointing right at your pussy, it was truly horrible. minjeongs lips tugged upwards, biting back a snicker only because she wanted to seem serious and mean about this- oh and also because the image violently turned her on.

“n-no… delete the pic- please i’ll give the money back and apologise… just.. don’t upload it anywhere” hiccuping while hot tears streamed down to your chin.

“poor you” jimin added on “no one can help you now.. do as you’re told” her tone was sickening to hear.

it clicked and you felt disgusted, the knowing look that they had.. body language showing that they were about to ravish you. it was gross.

your tear stained face shifted into a dreaded look. feeling jittery, your eyes widened as both of them slid down their boxers, revealing their cocks that sprung up.

“…you guys are sick…” there’s no way in hell that they were about to do this. but here they were, approaching you as you attempt to free your wrist from the cuffs again “get away f-from me… you sick fuckers” minjeong sprang onto the bed first, holding your legs open as you try to kick away from her grasp. curses and shouts left your mouth, but they were useless since jimin wrapped her hand around it.

there was no use in fighting back. you gave into their heinous acts even if your body was rejecting them. no one was there to help you anyway. even if you called for your mother, she wouldn’t give a shit since she only cared for herself from the very beginning.

jimin, who stood beside you, pressed her cock against your face. you could feel her throbbing as she placed it on your cheek, the hard thing felt slimy and gross- you denied her as she tried to forcefully shove it in your mouth, which ended up with her slapping it around your face like you were some common whore “open up, unless you want those pics of you online” of course you didn’t want that- those posts would ruin your reputation, your self esteem. it would ruin you.

mentally screaming in your head, you open your mouth wide, feeling her thick cock enter your mouth slowly. jimin let out a long sigh, savouring the feeling of your tongue at the base of her cock- “a-ah.. you’re taking me whole? you slut” moaning out as she steadily rocks her hips back and forth “you should- mm fuck.. really use this m-mouth just to take dick, don’t you agree jeongie”

minjeong, who was stroking her dick in between your legs, nodded her head. fixated on the way you took jimin’s throbbing cock easily down your throat. she watched you with keen eyes, keeping her gaze on the way your lips parted and wrapped around her shaft while also listening to the gagging sounds you made everytime jimin hit the back of your throat.

having more of a moral compass in comparison to jimin, she felt a little bad for you- but couldn’t help getting off to the view in front of her. she grinned, a very fucked up grin you could say. grabbing her phone again, she pressed record without you noticing- being so caught up with having dick stuffed in your mouth. spreading your lips apart, pointing the cameras and zooming in on your soaked pussy “you really are a whore- getting wet from this.. you should’ve said you wanted this from the beginning y/n. or were you too much of a coward to ask” slapping your pussy repeatedly, earning a few muffled moans.

putting the phone down minjeong slipped her hard cock inside of you, skipping the condom and everything.

your pussy was tight, almost like a virgins… wait- “god, don’t tell me you’re a… you’re a virgin?” a sick and twisted smile crept upon both jimins and minjeongs face. and the way they got harder hearing that news further implicated that they were morally fucked up in the head “mmm… fuck, you’re so tight that i can barely move… y/n ah- ngh..” by trying to push her dick further into you, it caused you to scream out in pain and pleasure- the sensation of her throbbing cock filling up your virgin pussy felt alien, yet so good. thankfully you were soaking wet, and the precum slathered around minjeongs dick helped it slide in much easier than it should have.

“nmghh hurts… hurts-” you manage to say between breaths, voice muffled by jimin's cock still being pumped in and out of your throat. minjeong couldn’t care, extracting her anger out on your pussy, stretching it wide open for her own sick pleasure. she scoffed,

“not so talkative now, are you?” she mocks, her hands gripping the sides of your hips, nails digging into your flesh as she jolts her hips which caused her tip to ram into the entrance of your cervix. fuck.. and it hurt like hell. never being filled up by something so large, your eyes begin to roll back, and you begin to scream around jimin's cock.

both of them showed absolutely no mercy, using your body as if it was a toy for their pleasure. being used in such a way made you feel heated, your stomach tightening as they continue to force themselves into your holes.

minjeong moaned out, her nails digging deeper and deeper into your flesh, almost breaking it. your tight cunt clamping down so hard on her cock threw her into a frenzy- she observes your face with hearts in her eyes, she never felt this powerful before, god… even her movements sped up- there was a husky rasp to her moans, it even seemed animalistic.

and there was jimin, gripping your hair in a messy ponytail just so that she can ruthlessly fuck your mouth. with the amount that she was tugging and pulling on your head, you could assume that your head was throbbing in pain- assuming anyways, because you were feeling strangely good that you most likely ignored the pain.

as planned, they continue their assault on you. pussy already stretched out and abused, and your jaw began to ache.

enough of that jimin thought. although she enjoyed your warm throat, mouth and tongue working magic on her cock, she couldn’t forget that this was your punishment. the palm of her hand pushed your forehead, prompting you to lay back down, head meeting the soft pillows. you fell with a light thud- now due to the fact that you had nothing in your mouth to keep you quiet, and the way that minjeong was still pummelling into your pussy raw, you had no other choice but to cry out loud… not in a ‘save me, help me!’ way, it was more like a “fuck, fuck- mmnngh… w-wait- feels ah..!?” type of way.

jimin looked at her younger step sibling. she knew minjeong was too heated to even think about the punishment. she clicked her tongue in annoyance.

minjeongs fingers made their way to your clit, toying and rubbing with the sensitive nub. it only pushed you to moan even louder, the first time you’d have someone play with your clit.. waves of pleasure washed over your body causing you to wriggle around. seemed like jeongie was a little pussy drunk, actually no, she was pussy drunk. every pound forced your cunt to the best fucktoy for her. at this point her sweat dripped down from her temple to the side of her face with how fucking fast her hips were going.

jimin stood for a moment- thats when it struck her, another great plan came to mind. she kneeled on top of your bed, making it creak a little, shuffling a little closer to where minjeong was positioned, she whispered something sinister into her ears.

“get up-“ jimin ordered with an authoritative voice “stand up y/n” you winced, hissing out in pain as minjeong carelessly pulls her cock out with a little-

“mmm.. now? oh yeah, okay…” jeongie thankfully takes the cuffs off. thank god she did because the pain from the hard ass metal had you rubbing your wrist, a slightly deep and red mark sat on your skin.

“y/n, stand up” jimin ordered once again.

coughing out, voice hoarse “…fuck no… n-not gonna”

“still talking back?” minjeong sneered. now both of them are pretty strong- being able to toss you across the room for shits and giggle.. but not so much shits and giggles when you’re forced to stand up, seized inbetween jimins strong grip, both hands around your bare shoulders. she momentarily gawked between your legs, she snickered-

“lowlife stealing bitch and now a whore even though you were a virgin… you honestly deserve this” all at once her dick pierces your cunt, her erratic movements earning a guttural moan that came straight out your throat. following jimin, minjeong came from behind, lifting your leg into the air so that she could make room for herself.

“don’t…!? you’re gonna b-break me- i can’t fit both in me.. wait, please pleaseplease anything but this- please!?!” teasing her dick at your entrance, basking in the feeling of your wet pussy again. jimins thick cock was bigger than you’d anticipated- but having minjeong’s in your cunt as well would surely leave you unable to walk. not like they cared…

ramming both at different speeds caused you to lose control of everything. unable to adjust to their length, your hands instinctively search for something to grab ,because really.. who can function normally with two girthy dicks stuffed inside of their virgin pussy.

if one of them pumped in, the other one pumped out. an endless stream of violent railing that turned your brain to mush. beyond saving, and beyond speech- nothing more than gargled moans and incoherent mumbles fell from your mouth. so, so intense that you felt like your body was giving in-

being dehumanised and degraded and only made for jiminjeongs use. you hated that you learned to love it.

jimin threw her head back, her mouth agape moaning at how stuffed your pussy was and how much of a cock slut you were. hips snapping each time she felt like you weren’t reacting the way she wanted. huffing each time she felt close- her plan wasn’t completed yet and because of that she had to restrain from shooting her load into your womb.

minjeong bit down on your shoulder, marking you everywhere she could- only because she could take a couple more pictures later and use that as blackmail and definitely not her own personal use. she nuzzled herself into the crook of your neck- leaving dark bruises scattered across your nape.

you wrap your arms around jimins neck “feel- feel weird… haa.. mmngh-“ you squeezed your eyes shut, your body tensed, you heard the two of them pant in your ear, jimins low moaning reverberating in your head and minjeong high pitched whimpers suggested that they were as close as you were.

“take it- fuck,, take it all you filthy whore” jimin snapping her hips as she fills your entire cunt with her semen. not even a second later, minjeong ejaculates as well, she squeals and bites into your neck, both hers and jimins legs shaking from the harsh orgasm. you follow in their pleasure, letting out a strangled moan, head slumping backwards into minjeong as your body falls limp.

they leave you afterwards, letting you lay weakly on the floor “what happens here, stays here. if you tell anyone we’ll know.. oh and those pics will be posted” walking out the door as if nothing ever happened. and yet you’re laying down on your carpet cunt filled up with a mixture of their semen leaking out.

hmm… guess you’ll have to piss them off again. who knows what they’ll do to you.

HELP IDK HOW TO FEEL ABT THIS? THOUGHTS????

[lawofnamesmedia]

All things end. Remember us. Thoughts on making Arcadia, CA

This was written as a thread for twitter, so the formatting is... exciting.

I spent ~a month trying to write out something about the end of Arcadia, CA that I could read aloud, and add to the episode. I wanted to use my actual, real /voice/ to talk about the experience of this show, & how important and wonderful it's been. I failed utterly. So. Thread.

Arcadia was the very first AD I attempted to make. I'd done audio content before, & a little bit of script writing, but nothing like this. I, uh, also had barely /listened/ to any ADs. The project really was just diving into something thinking I'd figure it out as I went.

That meant I did everything "wrong"-- I cast /long/ before the show was written, wrote as we went, added & /changed/ characters mid-stream, failed to have any sort of outline for the first ...2 years... & overall just... did not follow best practices. At all.

But. Even with all that. We made something beautiful. & genuinely /good./ We told a story that is by-and-large cohesive & coherent, & mostly wraps up all its plotlines & character arcs. A story that is /brilliantly/ acted w/ fucking /stunning/ sound design.

Actors. All of you. I cannot express how much I've enjoyed working with you, nor how fantastic the work you've done is. You ran with me on all my weird tangents & ideas, and some of the best things in the story are ones /you/ brought to it.

@satyrofstrategy-- finding & casting you was random chance, & a stroke of luck that I'm pretty sure shaped my entire existence as an AD creator. Getting you to perform Shakespearean monologues as a quasi-human ~ * actor * ~ has been a highlight. Also, your villain monologue in the finale!

Vanessa- the notes you hit from the very /first/ recording session as a well-meaning mom who very much as Her Own Issues... You never let Holly be /just/ Niko's mom. Even from the audience's limited POV, she had depth. I kind of wish I'd gotten to play with it more, tbh.

Corvyn- Karin was one of the characters who changed a lot in response to the actor. For me, some of the best bits were when she finally hit the wall & couldn't be Entirely Rational Mom. Your voice when she was trying /so hard/ to stay level but FUCKING STRESSED.

Thomas- Wil's story changed SO MUCH, & you took it all in stride. Going from goofy sidekick to antagonist to villain to redemption arc... he couldn't have been in the hands of a better VA. Thank you. So much. (& thanks for the easter egg for him in the stinger ; ) )

Speaking of changing character stories, Rue! I brought you in as love interest & suddenly you're 2 characters in one. Every recording with Purchaser & Elliot afdl;fdashla. I swear, you didn't even blink when I asked about maybe, uh, being faerie possessed?

@superhumanfoods rolled in 1/2 way thru the story & fundamentally altered its course. Your ability to echo other characters' delivery & the just. Baffling /sweetness/ that is Thomas... & also your fucking comedic timing... & how you jumped in with both feet... Thank you.

Cailen- you love Lia at least as much as I do, & it shows in every second of your performance. You are a fucking consummate professional, & staggeringly skilled actor. I loved your willingness to interpret lines in ways that fit her better. I don't think you ever got it wrong.

(Also, I dearly want to include a clip of them speaking in their natural accent at some point, because despite recording for four damn years, I /never/ got over hearing them go from English accent ((specifically regional but I /cannot/ remember)) to American by way of Alaska.)

Izzy is another actor whose switch from natural accent to character voice made me yell & scare the cats. Your performance as Delphine was /breathtaking/ & often really fucking unsettling. Her playing off Cyrus is some of the most horror-aligned content in the show & it rules.

Nick's take on Camren took a character that was supposed to be a fairly flat 2D bully & gave him this unexpected sweetness & vulnerability. It changed his (& the whole) story for the better. His story became one about how even the "popular" kids holding on for dear life.

Thank you to all the people who took on one- or two-off roles. Especially Daniel who reprized Mr. Sudsworth on basically no notice, & added another terrible father to Arcadia's roster, of a completely different flavor than the others.

...ok. Now I get to try to put into words how much mek & Erik's participation in this project has meant.

mek- on top of Niko being written specifically to & /for/ you, you are responsible for this show being what it is, & /how/ it is.

I'd originally planned to record this all asynch. You suggested trying to do it together over voice, & that was such a formative thing that I can't even imagine having done it another way. Niko's dialog may be largely my internal monologue, but it /always/ comes in your voice.

Your willingness to see this through with me, to record at a moment's notice, to help me sort through plotting problems, & to provide impeccable performances over, & over, & over for /four years/ has been the backbone of this show. There is no other voice I could have written for

& no other person that could have played Niko. Period. You let him be the protagonist, AND the audience stand-in POV. You let his /childishness/ shine through when it needed to, but never deprived him of agency or engagement. You showed his /growth/.

(& you pointed it out when I was losing track of his story in the others.) The fact that I can write his dialog almost without thinking is a testament to the consistency of your characterization and performance, and it's wonderful.

I would not have been brave enough to attempt something like this if you hadn't been cheering me on to try it. & I sure as hell wouldn't have kept going if you hadn't been so good at it I needed to know what was going to happen.a Thank you so, so much.

Lord, Erik how do I even /start/ yelling about you? I barely even /asked/ you when we started working on Arcadia, & now you have how many editing/sound designing credits?? The fact that you jumped in with me & said you'd figure it out as we went... I love you.

Your work on this show is so god damn good. Honestly, it /started/ good, & just got better. You produced an episode /every two weeks/ for 4 years with, what? a half-dozen delayed episodes in that /entire time/??????? And they're all /good/!!

More than that, though, you cheered me (& the show) on at every step. God knows I had more than a few crises of faith, & every time you encouraged me to keep going. You got excited about successes, & yelled right alongside me when good things happened.

I am /joyful/ getting to make things with you. Proud & grateful that you wanted to, & /keep/ wanting to. I am so damn spoiled to work with other editors, b/c you can take my "can there be a cricket tantrum here?" sound design notes and make works of art.

There literally would be no show without you. Not just because I'm not a good enough editor, but because you made the process of creating Arcadia so, so good, and fulfilling. I love you a lot. Thank you.

I'll end by saying that listening to the finale, I've realized that this story is /mine./ It's entirely wrapped up in how I think, & feel, & experience the world. Very honestly, it's a show that got made so I could listen to it.

I am thrilled & proud other people wanted to too.

Editing to add

(Fucking hell, this is what I get for copying & pasting from a Discord thread while in a zoom staff meeting.)

Rhys came in with like... 9 episodes to go, & ran away with the character such that they got written in even more so I could keep hearing them. You approached endless alliteration with absolute aplomb, & went from "maternal" to educational to fucking terrifying seemlessly.

I /also/ ended up writing more Mr. Baldwin so I could hear SJ be fucking terrifying too. The perfect god damn hateable man. But still charismatic & believable as a "community leader." ALSO the switch to Baldwin/Purchaser made me yell out loud.

I had no intention of adding characters beyond what I'd started with, but then Elliot. & Thomas. & Mr. Baldwin. & the Curator. ...hell, even the Monarch himself was an unexpected addition. I was so worried I'd end up with a Cast of Thousands that weren't needed, just b/c.

But every character (& actor!) added was such a net positive, & improved the show in very specific and direct ways that only that character (& actor!) could have done. I'm glad I took the risk. And even more glad you-all agreed to come onboard.

(Ok. that's the pre-written thread. from here on, it's off the cuff emotion. I'm sorry.)

[xxklut-jaycunt]

Other side of the game-Matt sturniolo

Upcomingdad!!matt regrets,stress,selfcare,handjob,tits fucking,tits sucking,eating out(yup he ate yo girl out)-ETC

18+ minors do not disturb

Let’s summon this shit up: I got this inspiration from Erykah Badu from her song other side of the game, which means that in the song, it’s about being a girl (young lady in particular)and it’s about the weighing of morality of the situation as she expecting child with a man ,which him and her has no ideas what they’re going to do,all while she trying to keep a stable relationship with the man for the upcoming child.

“Matt the food is ready”as you yelled while caressing your 4 month old pregnant baby bump,while putting all the food on the plate ,while Erykah Badu on&on played in the background ,you put a lid over it to hold its heat onto the plate patiently waiting for him to come down.”god damn Matt hurry up as you yelled again frustrated ,you knew it been hard on him since the start when you found out you was pregnant and on top of that you was also scared to tell him at that time ,you was going through it,begging on your knees ,pleading and crying to Jesus himself to strike you down for getting caught up like that ,but eventually you told him, and it’s been hard him for his last four months .

Cold hands wrap around your body,rubbing your baby bump and you lean back to see his face expression,you got the same look as always ,Matt lost that little sparkle in his eyes ever since you got pregnant,he’s been stress trying save more money for the baby and keep us in a nice environment,fans tryna track us down and shit,yeah it’s been hard for him.”mhm damn baby what you cookin - from wrapping cold hands around your baby bumps went to cold hands leaving the baby bump to a loud hard smack on the ass making you yelp a lil in pain from how aggressive that was to you, “Matt back the fuck up ,yo ass coming over here and just fucking shit up and I yelled for ass twice ,you must can’t hear and stop hitting my ass,Damn”~ Matt chuckle while leaning back to see your ass ,smiling liking at how he got a mean mug aggression out of you ,Matt went back to wrapping his arms around your baby bump while sighing ,all while he’s rubbing your baby bump ,the sudden thoughts of him being a father scared him a little bit and that the fact that it’s his seed,his blood,his sweat,his tears,his baby,his future daughter or son freaked him out a lil bit,he knew his wasn’t even there mentally or physically for his-self so how could he be there mentally physically for a child or even you when you go thru it.

“What’s wrong” as you looked back while he went from sighing to humming into your neck exhaling your vanilla perfume.”I’m just thinking about so much shit ,right now ,I mean I gotta film even though I don’t want to,we got fans tryna look in the back ground and hear voices and shit to see or hear if they see or hear you to start up some rumors,tsk,it ju-“ .Matt removed his hand from your bump and slouch down on the chair with his head into his palm sighing . “Matt don’t start u finna make me have a headache again and make me test the life of waters ..ok if u don’t stop. ..,baby I know it’s hard but-“. You sighed while cutting your own sentence off reheating Matt food into the microwave,trying to put on a happy face and escape for reality and from Matt negative ass thoughts about all this shit yall got on yall plate .you looked at Matt whom was still rubbing his head stressed about thinking about everything he has to own up too and step up too.”you right baby and you know I just feel like as your man ,I feel like I really have to step up to you and the baby and I know u probably don’t wanna hear this but ,to be honest it kills me that I even got u pregnant”.

A gasps came from your lips as you heard his words , you couldn’t put your finger on it on why he would say such a thing and why it sounded so negative in your head, it sounded so intimate, but also so much of sorrows and regret within his words those words picked at my heart like a tattoo machine needle bad,but good, from gasping from his words, you took the food out the microwave, turning back slowly to look at his face. His face stared at you looking at you intensely wanting to scan your reaction on How you feel about it.”what does that supposed to mean?” ~as you organize the plate trying to make it pretty for him,looking down while thinking what the fuck he meant by that.”I feel guilty,I mean baby if u look at it ,it can go south really fast baby and I know that shit gonna hurt and I know that somebody can die during this and I feel guilty as fuck,it’s not a regrets I just can shake off the feeling of losing you or the baby in the process ,I’m sorry,I’m just fucking stress and wanted to say that baby ,I’ll shut up after this I know u get stress hearing me yap about negative shit,I’m sorry baby. Matt got up and kiss your forehead and peck your lips while quickly kissing your baby bump as well ,all while as he left from the position at the kissing all of the spots that made you happy he went back to his seat, waiting for you to serve his food as you in shocked with upcoming tears filling your waterline.” here’s your food baby .

For a moment, neither of you says anything, the silence thick between you. You can feel his eyes on you, waiting, watching for how you’ll respond, but you don’t look at him just yet. You take a deep breath, steadying yourself.

Finally, you speak, your voice soft but firm. “Matt… I get it. I know you’re scared. Hell, I’m scared too. But… I need you to understand something. Yes, things can go wrong. Yes, there’s a risk. But that’s with anything in life. We can’t let fear rule us.”You pause, gathering your thoughts. “I need you to be strong with me. Because I can’t do this alone. I need you to believe that we can make it through this together, without letting the ‘what ifs’ tear us apart.”His eyes soften at your words, and he reaches out, taking your hand. “I’m sorry, baby,” he says again, quieter this time, but you can hear the sincerity in his voice. “I’ll be here, I promise.”

You give him a small smile, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips, lingering just enough for him to feel the reassurance in it. “I get baby ,I really get it ..and it’s ok -I’m going to take a shower baby eat your food ,” you whisper, pulling back slightly, your thumb brushing gently over his knuckles. “I just need a minute .”Matt nods, understanding, his grip on your hand loosening as you stand up. The soft sounds of Erykah Badu’s “Next Lifetime” float through the room, the soulful melody wrapping around you both, creating a moment of calm after the intense convo. You step into the shower, letting the warm water cascade over your body, the steam rising around you as the soft echo of Erykah Badu’s “Next Lifetime” plays faintly in the background, the notes reverberating off the tiled walls. As you run your hands through your hair, massaging the water into your scalp, you can feel it—that subtle, familiar sensation of being watched. You don’t bother turning around. You know it’s Matt. His eyes are on you, just as they’ve been every time you move, like he’s been starved for your touch, your body. You can feel the weight of his gaze, even through the steam and the sound of water splashing against the shower floor. It’s not uncomfortable, just… different. You know why he’s looking at you like that—four months without sex. Four months since everything shifted. Matt used to touch you with so much hunger, so much need. Sex was always a way to reconnect, to ease the stress when the world outside got too heavy. You’d fight, argue, or just be caught up in life’s chaos, but you knew one thing for sure—he’d always find his way back to you in bed. That was your sanctuary.

But now… now things are different. You’re pregnant, and even though you can feel his desire, you know he’s been holding back. Maybe it’s the stress of it all—his mind is occupied with the baby, with work, with trying to make sure everything’s perfect for the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that you miss him. You miss the closeness, the way he used to worship your body when you needed him the most. As you rinse off the last of the soap, you can’t help but think about how things might’ve been different tonight. In the past, this kind of tension—this stress—would’ve led to make-up sex, to him pulling you close and reminding you just how much he needed you. But tonight, there’s only silence… and his eyes. You shut off the water, stepping out of the shower ,grabbing your towel drying off slowly as you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror. You know he’s still out there, still watching, and you wonder if tonight will be the night he finally stops holding back.you let the towel fall as you started to putting up your two pieces sleep clothes which was pink.

 Matt is there, sitting on the edge of the bed, his gaze meeting yours immediately. His eyes darken, following the way the fabric clings to your curves, lingering on your baby bump, and then tracing the rest of your body. He’s been waiting, holding back for months, but tonight, something feels different.

He stands up slowly, his movements deliberate, and crosses the room toward you. The music is still playing faintly in the background, but all you can focus on is him—the way his presence fills the space, the way he looks at you with an intensity you haven’t felt in a while.“Come here,” he says, his voice low and rough, sending a shiver down your spine. He reaches out, his fingers grazing your arm as he pulls you closer to him. The warmth of his hands is comforting, but there’s something more behind it tonight. Something urgent. Something hungry.you look up at him , He smirks, but there’s no humor behind it—just a raw need. His hands slide down your sides, resting on your hips, his thumbs brushing against your skin through the thin fabric. “I’ve been thinking about you,” he murmurs, his voice thick with desire. “About us.”You bite your lip, feeling the heat rise between you. “Yeah?”

He nods, his lips hovering near your ear, his breath warm against your skin. “Four months, baby… Four months since I’ve touched you like this.” His voice is a little more serious now, the playful tone gone. “I’ve been trying to be patient, to give you space with the baby and everything, but…”

His hands slide lower, gently pulling you closer until your body is pressed against his. You feel the firmness of his chest, the way his heart beats just a little faster against yours. “But I miss you,” he says softly, his lips grazing the side of your neck. “I miss us. I miss making love to you.”

Your breath hitches as his lips press softly against your neck, trailing down to your collarbone, slow and deliberate. “Matt…” you whisper, but he doesn’t stop. His hands tighten slightly around your waist, holding you close as his lips explore your skin.”I know you’ve been tired and stressed out and I know everything’s different now,” he whispers against your skin. “But I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you. How much I need you.”He pulls back slightly, looking into your eyes, his face serious but full of desire. “I don’t want to hold back anymore, baby. I want you tonight. Only if you’re ready.”

Matt gently wrapped his arms around you from behind as you walked towards the bedroom, his warmth pressing against your back. The soft hum of Erykah Badu’s “Otherside of the Game” filled the room, the familiar melody mixing with the tension of the moment. He had been patient, waiting these past four months, and now, with you nestled comfortably in his embrace, he softly asked for the answer he’d been longing to hear.”I’m been waiting for you Matt but I kinda shy because I’m pregnant and all so I don’t kno-“

Matt cut off your words making shocked at little bit while laying on your back, “I want to make you feel good, to show you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done,” he whispered, his voice warm and reassuring. He leaned in to kiss you, his lips soft and tender, his hands continuing to explore with a deep sense of respect,as he pulled your pink pj pants off and taking off your shirt as you laid back down on the bed letting the moment sink in ,you didn’t even know where to start so you just let him take control.

His gentle touches and tender kisses continued to traverse your body, his hands caressing every curve and line.He paid special attention to your breasts, cupping and squeezing them with reverence before trailing his fingers down your stomach, slowly parting your thighs. Matt looked up at you with devotion as he settled between your parted thighs,which u didn’t wear underwear or a bra. "You deserve to be worshipped, especially now. Let me make it up to you." His hands tenderly caressed your swollen belly,you gasp as your felt cold air hitting you wet cunt , Matt's tongue started to extended, delicately licking through your folds, gathering your arousal before pressing against your clit. He began to lap at your sensitive nub, his tongue swirling and flicking against it as he inhaled your sweet scent. His hands held your thighs apart, keeping you open for his hungry mouth.”you like that ,ma”. As he grunted while your legs tried to close him in ,he pushed them wide open locking you in position to take it.”yes ..d-daddy..ah”~as you gripped the sheets your legs wanting to push him off from the way he lick your sensitive wet cunt . "Fuck, you taste so good, baby," Matt growled against your pussy, his grunts and slurping sounds filling the room as he devours your sensitive flesh. He pushes your legs apart even wider, locking your ankles together to keep them spread, giving him unrestricted access to your dripping wet cunt.”ah..fuck Matt”,as you gripped his hair pushing his head deeper into your soon to be overstimulating wet pu$$y which made his high top model nose rub against you clit nub rough,your legs begin to shake from the pleasure ,the wet slurping noises turn you on ,which made your nipples hard as fuck .Matt's face is buried between your thighs, his nose pressed firmly against your sensitive clit as you grip his hair and push his head deeper.He sucks your clit into his mouth, his tongue lashing at it as he eats you out aggressively, his nose rubbing against your pu$$y lips,side to side ,up and down,all around.

Matt knows just how to push your buttons, and he's determined to make you cum quickly. He doubles his efforts, his tongue fucking your clit as his nose continues to rub against your pussy. He sucks hard on your clit, his mouth making a loud slurping sound as he brings you rapidly towards your climax.”ah..fuck m-Matt,you gone make me cu-“. As you winced

Matt lifts his head, his face shiny with your cum as you convulse beneath him. "Mmm, see,you did good ,baby ," he purrs, cleaning his lips with his thumb before sucking it into his mouth. Matt doesn't give you a chance to catch your breath before he's attacking your tits . He pushes you down onto the bed and starts sucking your tits, one after the other, his mouth making sloppy sounds as he sucks hard on your nipples. “Damn ,Matt I mhm”as you hummed shaking you head side to side .”I know baby ,I know baby ,just take it baby,just let me make you feel good”as he mumbled against your tits going to the other nibbled on the next one flickering fast trying all fast trick to make you cum again.

Matt continues to feast on your tits, his hands roaming over your body as he enjoys the taste of your skin. He lets out a low growl when your hands reach for his belt, but eventually relents, allowing you to unbuckle it and pull down his pants.”what chu tryna do ma,i got you baby”.

“I -I-i wanna please you too baby,I wanna heal you too”.as you whined ,yearning for him ,Matt's eyes flutter closed as you quickly wrap your hand around his thick, hard length and begin to stroke it slowly along with his precum basing it on his tip . "Ma, you don't have to..." he trails off, his words lost as you lean down and take him into your warm, wet mouth. "Oh god, baby..."Matt's whimpers of pleasure fill the air as you spit in your hand and begin to stroke him,leaving your position of blowing him off to a handjob,your hand gliding smoothly up and down his length. He buries his face between your breasts drooling ,licking your tits here and there,muffling his whines as you tighten your grip and pump him faster.”I-i love you baby.you know I fucking love you”as dragging his words into your tits .

You find yourself in so much pleasure,throwing your head back ,rolling your hips as Matt hand went back to your clit as he licked your tits,all while u gave him the best wet handjob.Matt legs begin to shake and so was yours ,it was too much tension the sound of grunts ,groans,moans,whimpering,slurping,suckin,skin slapping filled the air very intensely.you found your self stroking his length faster then every precum mixed with your spit ,stroking fast as Matt was in work with your body as well.”come on baby,I know you wanna cum,let’s cum together,I know can baby,I know”.

Matt's body tenses up as he nears his climax, his hand working your clit furiously as he continues to suck on your tits. The room is filled with the sounds of your pleasure, and Matt's legs shake beneath your touch. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna cum, Ma..."

“Fuck Matt..shit..fuck me”. Matt throws his head back, a deep groan escaping his lips as he finds his release. His body stiffens, his hand pausing on your clit as he has your hot seed onto his hand,he feels your body tense up as you find your own release once more. He pulls away from your chest, watching as you milk him for every last drop.”I love you baby”as Matt peck your lips laying back in the bed breathing heavy.

“Damn how long that erykah badu song was playing”as Matt look at your confused sweaty smiling pulling the hair at your face

“Babe this is the last of the song in my playlist …oh wait nah it’s the ending of the song “as I chuckled loving his embrace

As the Erykah badu -otherside of the game played into the back ground as I hummed the song into Matt neck as he rubbed my belly while laying out.

🎶🎵Oh, go on, go on, go on, yeah

See I ain't tryin' to bind your life

But I want you to do what's right, and yeah

I'm your wife

Peace out to revolution

I know there's confusion

You gonna do what you gotta do now🎶🎵🎶-Otherside of the Game

Song by Erykah Badu

Bye yall me after writing that long ass fic:

[youremyheaven]

Omg I saw your moon dominance post and I have to share something 😭

I have a friend whom I went to the same school as, we still talk sometimes but not as much.

She has always been quite a charismatic person, and is a relatively small built, conventionally attractive blonde white girl. Needless to say she is considered quite “soft and feminine” - I only mention race because racism would naturally prevent her being perceived that way.

I like her, she’s very diplomatic and intelligent but MY GOD the manipulative tendencies she had growing up😭😭😭

It’s been a couple years since I was regularly in close proximity to her so I can’t remember that many examples of her lying (also because it was a such a common occurance), however I remember it getting to the point where she herself would awkwardly joke about it.

What I *do* however remember quite distinctly the way she’d occasionally have these “tantrums” after I gave her any mild criticism.

For example, one time we were all having lunch together as a group and she made a mean spirited comment on someone else who was nearby. I pointed out that is was a pretty mean thing to say, not in a particularly accusatory tone, and she quite literally started shouting at me saying “WELL THATS QUITE BIG OF YOU TO SAY BC YOU TOLD ME [insert minor joke about manipulative Snapchat fboys that therefore was nothing to do with her] AND IT REALLY UPSET ME [insert sob story about having a disabled brother] etc etc”

She also had a similar public outrage at me after I asked her if she brought her present in for the Secret Santa, and she responded by kicking me in the shins and going on a tangent about how her life is really stressful and how I only worry about “school and sleep” 💀

However the interesting part that I vaguely covered at the beginning is that she had mastered the whole sweet innocent teenage facade. She had people, primarily older men in authority, entirely wrapped around her finger. She developed this oddly close relationship relationship with one of our teachers, which never got inappropriate, but he would direct like 80% of his energy to helping her over other students (who were equally if not more needing of help). Similarly her therapist literally UNRETIRED to help her personally 😭 I can think of so many examples of authority figures literally bending over backwards to be of service to her.

(She also attracted a kind of unreal level of male attention that was way above the average)

To finally conclude:

She is a hasta sun, moon and ketu with PBP ascendant. Her birthtime isn’t exact but I feel as though PBP is more likely than UBP.

There was also an incident of her sleeping with a teacher in his 20s when she was 17 😬 obviously it’s on him, but it’s interesting to consider that she has Jupiter in the 9H in Chitra (mars) - aswell as a mercury chitra which sits in her 4 planet 8H stellium.

Sorry for this extremely lengthy ask😭 it’s more of an info dump than an ask but I hope it served as an interesting example of moon dominance (+ a little bit of mars influence) in women

bestie never apologise for spilling tea 😂i love reading what ya'll have to say, otherwise i feel like im talking to a wall. and i feel you about this moon bestie of yours, im glad you're out of that toxic friendship!!

a few years ago i had a toxic moon dominant bestie who like you said lied so much and manipulated things so much, its hard for me to even make a list of the shit she did lol, yk how a lot of poc parents will whip their kids or yell at them or something and afterwards act extra nice bc they feel guilty?? I've noticed that Moon dominant people are like that to some extent. my "friend" would say the nastiest most vile derogatory things about me TO ME and then when i responded with radio silence she'd be all 🥺🥺im so worried about you, have you eaten? have you done all the assignments?? here's mine, you can refer to it🥺🥺,, like i was always sooo confused by her but then i started seeing thru her bullshit, how she's only being nice cause she feels guilty lol,, she had a tendency to criticize other people A LOT like your friend and honestly its tiring to listen to that shit, so i think i started saying nice things in return like "oh but xyz is so sweet, she's always so thoughtful" and then she'd say some shit "its so crazy you'd say that because i felt like xyz and abc always hated you" like classic manipulation lmao, like she hates those ppl and if i say one nice thing about them, then she'll try to convince me that those people hate me so that i can be on her side in bitching about them lmfao.

Moon dominant people are soooo insecure its sad,, they feel the need to be so rude and nasty af to others to mask their own insecurities. Obviously I'm only talking about unhealthy Moon influence, im sure there are nice ppl out there as well.

u guys pls feel free to dump any gossip/tea u have in my inbox, i love reading this stuff!!

[mocolococoffeesimp]

Candi and Zoe meeting their S/o’s parents for the first time with all the shenanigans that follows

An excellent ask, anon.

-Candi wasn't stressed in the slightest.... Is what he told you. But, beneath his confident shell, he was stressing out of his mind. He was a thief, a con artist! He had no actual job, he scammed people for money most of time. What would he tell? Before, Candi could properly collect his thoughts, the door opened revealing (Y/N)'s parents.

"Hi there!" Was all Candi could blurt out, as he offered his hand to be shook. Your parents shook his hand, feeling how sweaty it was. He wiped his hand against his jeans, once he realized how sweaty they were.

-Once, Candi managed to relax he was bacj to his normal sefl. Throwing jokes around, just being chill and complimenting you. He was avoiding, the topic of his career. He just went around the topic, telling that he was currently unemployed, he did side business etc. He did tell he used to work at a cafe. Which was true... Like, four years ago.

-After leaving the parent's place. Candi ran his hand, thru his hair making it fall back to his forehead.

"I think they liked me... They aren't suspicious, right? I mean, I did almost trip over my words." You chickled at his statement. "Nah, I don't think so. You could always get a real job, if you're that worried about them finding out." You suggested, as you playfully nudged him. "Pfft, I am pro at what I do. No need to change it up, besides I can always figure something out."

-Zoe being Zoe, she was dressed like she was million bucks. First impressions matter, is what she said when you told her its just a casual meal. She ignored you, as she applied her makeup, making sure it was as pristine as ever.

-She wasn't nervous about meeting your parents. But, you were nervous about her meeting them. She had high standards with everything. So, once the door opened to reveal your parents, Zoe curtsied to them.

"Good day, Mr and Ms (Y/N). I am Zoe Delaney Gemstone Third. My pleasure to meet the parents of my partner." She was smiled sweetly at them. She spoke to them, as if she was meeting a new potential business partner. She acted even more elegantly than usual. Making sure, her manners were tiptop and being polite. She wasn't impressed with the decor of your parents place, as her tastes were higher. She was pleased with the tea tho.

After the meeting, you and Zoe were walking away from your parents place. Zoe examined her nails, as she started speaking.

"They were nice. To be expected, as they raised you." She stated not lifting her gaze. You sighed in relief. "Well, I am glad you liked them. I mean, we will be seeing them in the future again." "But, their decor? Ugh, no class no sense of style. I will have a decorator come to their place soon enough. Don't worry, I will pay for all of it." She shushes you, before you can even protest.

[megbonney]

this year has felt way too fast because i realise for 80% of it i was getting mentally rotted by men. let's do a wrapped (of the ones i haven't forgotten).

EBF: first bf for like 2 years. i cut off my best friend under his influence. tried to convince me they were grooming me. tried to convince me i wasn't genderfluid. tried to get his therapist to therapise me. tried to get me to see a therapist. dropped out of school and had virtually no ambition. i had to pretend to be straight infront of his friends. accused me of cheating on him with one of said friends. i felt like he was cheating on me with my "friend" at the time. i had no one besides him. he was attached to me like a parasite and i hated it. dumped him. couldn't handle just staying friends. also killed my self image. went celibate after. oh and he went thru my dms bc that's totally normal. cancer man. 2. RICHIE RICH: was into him during "friends" stage with EBF. met on ow but never really played together. went to a private roman catholic school. led me on. sent me music recs but they were too indie for my teen angst at the time. "friend" made me let her follow him bc she's weird. he didn't see anything wrong with it despite my discomfort. got sick of it bc he was stringing me on and blocked me for being upset. also was confused as to why i wasn't able to go shopping every wknd and didn't understand why i wanted a job bc he was privileged and had an allowance. i tried to meet up but he folded. followed me back on insta 2 or so weeks ago. we haven't spoken. goofy 3. COWORKER: met at first shift. i called him pretty bc that's the only word to rlly describe him and he told other coworkers i tried to ask him out. shorter than me. played war thunder. was really sweet at first. suddenly had coworkers asking if i'd date him. realised he was running his mouth. we watched fury and bladerunner 2077 together. began going dry after i told him i was moving. started being a dickhead. started telling coworkers i was a lesbian. i tried to sort it out but he tried to gaslight me about it. i think he quit atp. good riddance 3. NARC: 23 or 21 yr old man idk. bastion main. had a gf i didn't know abt. treated me like a gf. had an entire fake life. claimed to be a "narcissist and compulsive liar." talked abt his ex the entire time. very degrading. i found his ig and he was actually ugly af. only good thing was that he wasn't codependent. ghosted him after he went dry on me when i got my period. msged his gf and it's been like a month or two without a response. he bought me nitro tho so that was sick. 4. FURRY: was friends with him at the same time as NARC. he also knew about COWORKER because it was roughly right as we met. wanted to be a musician and twitch streamer. 19. balding. had a mommy kink but tried to make me sub. gained feelings for me. i friendzoned him. then he tried to say he was in love a week later. he was parasite #2. friends with MANCHILD. double texted all the time. gooner. cut him off. tried to create tension between fig and i. into the weirdest shit i've ever seen. objectified me. genuinely liked oliver tree. also bought me nitro. 5. MANCHILD: turned 20 like last week. had a gf. never hung out with her. spent everyday hanging out with fig and i. was too stupid so him and fig argued often. tried to make me mediate. most stressful time of yr. i bought him 2 games and he lied to his gf about where he got them from. he also lied about why he got rdr2. backseat gamed everything. whiny. asked me how many fingers i could fit on vc at 2am. also asked me if i'd ever have a 4sum with fig . is now insisting i trapped him because i told people about what happened. 6. CURRENTLY: nothing! i probs forgot some things but a funny thing to note was that i know every guy on this lists' names and most info about them. it was also hard because i wanted to keep all of them approx the same length. happy 2023 ?

[ahhscheisse]

before I get into this, I want to say that I added internal dialogue like how I was feeling and stuff and also that idk if it’s a schizophrenia thing or what, but I can remember most of my dreams like I experience ptsd flashbacks or like. I can close my eyes and hear them moment by moment if they hit me hard enough. also I woke up and wrote this shit down almost immediately. so. I'm sure I got shit wrong but I can still hear their words and things happening and it’s been a solid 24 hours since I had it. but I digress... lets fuckin goooooo.

this dream started out with me working the night shift at a giant chain hardware store. a friends family - all the women I'd met - from my hometown were my coworkers. the shift was ending and they asked me to stay bc they were having a group dinner. i didn’t want to stay because i just wanted to go home but i was always scared of thelma - she wanted me to be more social so i caved. the food ended up being the best home made korean food i’d ever eaten, which I thought was funny because the only food they ever fed me when I was around them was home made Mexican food or shakeys pizza. they invited me to the old house across the street from the quad for a movie. i was stressed bc i struggle to sit still long enough to watch a movie if i can’t use my hands on something my brain likes. art or something.

suddenly everyone shot up out of their seats and told me i needed to see a show “right fucking now, get up hurry.” it was just down the street so we were all running through the whittier suburbs. blurs of purple and green and brown from the jacaranda trees. we walked into a building - glowing blue and purple and gold and green - and eddie vedder was playing a surprise secret show. it was crowded at first and then it wasn’t crowded and i managed to get as front row as you could get. my memory is glitchy - i think he was singing “alive” - but he looked down at at me and smiled and then the room was empty and so quiet and we were at an old piano together and i couldn’t smile, i just wanted to cry and ask him how he survived and how he moved on from a shitty stepdad, from not having a real dad, from bad life stuff - and eventually ed nudged me. he put his hand behind my head, right where my spine meets my skull, and my brain was like. soaking in warm ocean water. “the ocean cleanses,” he said. it was like we were in water now. i thought about hawaii. maybe that’s what the water feels like? i wasn’t cold or hurting anymore. my hands felt younger and newer. no pain. he told me, “life doesn’t have to be so hard, kid, seattle is pretty fun. make music. write lyrics. who cares if they’re bad? remember life so your life can be a better one.” i keep hearing it, even now. hours later. his big, deep voice echoing from an empty room with aluminum walls or something. that’s what he sounded like. it went into my blood stream. i wasn’t cold or hurt anymore. my veins were blue with gold specks shinning thru my skin and i thought, “your voice is crazy powerful.” he heard me and laughed. said it was the tequila and pickles. i smiled, said, “i think it’s more than that.” he was wearing a light beige hat with a black band. you know the one. he handed it to me and then it was a tambourine. he patted my hand before i took it. i thanked him, said i’d wanted one for years, and he said, “don’t forget, there’s a place for you in seattle. the water is warmer than you think, even when it snows. orca’s, y’know? don’t wait. you gotta find a life if you really want one.”

when i walked out of the building, i had a lot of feelings in my chest. i felt close to puking. i wanted to ask ed what he meant but got distracted because now i was surrounded by a fair ground with tents everywhere. it was so hot and cold at the same time. my arm felt empty and i realized i’d lost ravi. i started running around calling for her. so many people had miligold macaws - but their beaks were white or their eyes were too dark or their blue feathers weren’t the right blue or i’d look at them and they just weren’t her. a doctor pulled me into a hospital tent, it was raining, and i realized my arm was bleeding and that i had blood on my fingertips bc i’d been scratching it. she saw and said for me to wait where i was, to not move, so i knew she was going to 5150 me. i panicked because if they took me, i wouldn’t be able to find ravi. she’d be lost forever. i figured i’d just get help on my own thru therapy so i took off when no one was looking. i kept feeling like, “it would just make me worse to lose ravi, hospitals do so much damage anyway. and ravi doesn’t deserve to die bc they won’t wait a god damn minute.”

it felt like an hour before i saw someone holding ravi. i was sobbing. people were looking at me like an insane person. i just felt like losing her would take whatever living reason i had to keep trying away. i knew it was her this time, tho, so i called up to them and thought, “oh great, dracula found her.” this tall lanky guy in all black… black straight legged pants, black shoes, black socks, black shirt, black thick knitted cardigan - all different shades of black - walked down some scary steep stairs and handed her to me and i kissed her and held onto her and held back more tears before realizing dracula was actually chris cornell. he looked so gentle and fragile. almost worried. said “sorry” and i said “thank you, you found her.” he was kind of hunched over but he was smiling now. he looked back up at the people behind him - all of them had orange skin and blue suits on drinking something thick and neon green and yellow out of martini glasses. he asked if he could come with me. i said, “yeah, sure, it’s far, tho.”

all of a sudden we were on a bike. i was peddling and he was standing on the back pegs. he had his hand on my shoulder while carrying ravi so i could focus on steering and was humming “show me how to live.” I look back and laugh bc I swear, at one point I'd wanted to ask him how to live. i felt so calm bc everyone was looking at chris cornell and ravi, and his hand on my shoulder was nice, too. my heart would do the adrenaline thing when i’d hit a bump or wire on the ground and he’d squeeze my shoulder, sometimes he’d pat it. say, “you’re all good, man.” he was so warm. like one of those warm people that seem to take all the bad out of you and keep it locked away inside themselves so it doesn’t find their way back. my gramma was like that. i laughed and thought like, “i’m so glad he exists. ed, too. gramma would’a liked them.”

we made it to my moms car. my aunt was there and got out of the car crying, frantic, cussing. my mom got out and said she was so worried. thought i’d killed myself. how could i do that to her? chris got off the bike and idk why but he put his hand out for me to take as if he were a princess walking down some stairs. my mom said, “oh, holy shit.” i introduced them and chris said, “your kid is just a funny little guy. i knew a funny little guy once. the skies nice, huh? you can see everything down here. no rain.” and then i woke up.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

U dont have to respond to this if you feel its tmi or whatwver but ... I had an odd prophetic dream kind of moment recently , and its been makingme nervous. I had a dream that, Me, my father, and his girlfriend were being spied on/chased after by someone.. Something like that. It came completely out of the blue and i didnt think anything of it! then, that morning, i get a call from my father that hes in town , and that he has to tell me something urgently , and when we meet he tells me that .... For context, his girlfriend 's ex husband is a person with a lot of money and power. and tells me that He has been actively threatening them+has also been threatening my fathers daughter . And that I should be very careful because people like this are capable of everything. Just that night I was visiting the lost all hope website. Ive been in a very bad mental slum . This somehow really , idk, it felt real. It put my troubles aside , because what is happening is real and , there's something . Talking about my dream... I wish I could, and idk how to connect further with this side of myself. I wish i could somehow keep this spiritual feeling ? I really wish there was more things like this happwnign to me. and i know i need to seek them out. but idk how to do it. because im instead stuck in my own head... My father told me i should turn and talk to my spiritual teachers, and ask for them to guide me. I dont know how to go about it. I feel like I need something magical to happen. I really know very little about this stuff. On another note, and im rly sorry if this makes u nervous, ihad a dream tonight that something happened to pochita , and when I woke up i instantly went to ur blog to check on pochita .-.;; I know pochita will be ok though...

awh i am happy to answer this anon, i am happy u cld come to me about it. firstly i want to say i really hope you are ok, ill b praying for you and ur family anon. try to tell urself like a mantra, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper". try to create a feeling of safety in ur heart as u think/say it. envision your family being guarded by an angel army. people with money who use it for evil, they're the most doomed souls. they're living at the lowest frequency possible. you have power over them that u can utilize w your heartfelt prayers. now, as for the dreams: i believe that you may have experienced an ESP dream, picking up on the worries of ur father. its no coincidence, im telling you! from what u psychically were picking up, your dream may have provided a scenario thats priming u to handle this predicament. it shows great sensitivity to be able to not only facilitate an esp dream, but to recall it and apply it to real life. you're on your way anon 🤍 more things like this can happen the more u open urself up to them. however, you cant force it! the more u try to force it, the more it'll repel itself. its hard to explain but.. prayer and study will open up more avenues. listen to whats happening in the back of ur mind. for me, i actually have way more prophetic visions in waking life than in dreams. it took years to rly trust my intuition the way i do now, years of constantly having unusual hunches then being proven right. its a lifelong journey, look forward to it~ ur father is right, ask your guides or angels or whoever, ask them to show u the next step. the magic is all around u, its in the small things, try to notice them and dont ever write anything off as coincidence. thats my advice.. and as for your dream of pochita, i appreciate yr concern ;w; the thing w dream interpretation is, altho u get the occasional prophecy coming thru, most dreams are not meant to be taken too literally. i suspect it was a stress dream and since pochita's injury has been on people's minds lately, ur dream was using her to symbolize something in ur subconscious. she's doing just fine laying at my feet as i type this 🤍 thanku for caring her 🤍 u seem like a sweetheart and i pray for ur family's safety. dont give up hope anon. there are miracles in your future!!!!!!!!!

[theuniverseawakens347]

I really don’t need much from a man or a friend .. it’s two different things going on there that go into one when ur dating .. okay 3 ya got a kid .. but a friend

SOMEONE YOU CAN RELY ON NOT CODDLE YOU AND PARENT YOU .. THATS where Yal fuck up.

Friend : IM HERE FOR YOU I HEAR YOU I SEE YOU YOU DONT HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. .. let’s brain storm together // let me lead u put your darkness here’s some resources

A PARENT : you have a different life path than me ( TAKE YA GOT DAMN FAILURE AND JEALOUSY OUT OF IT) .. you struggling where I as the parent got the means to come thru.. let me help you ( WITHOUT CONTROLLING IT .. if you failed doing it ur way for you WTF MAKE YOU THINK UR GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL THRU UR CHILD.. AND IF YOU ARE HOW MANY KIDS LIVING THEY PARENTS DREAM ( in full) AND HAPPY.. and if so how’d ya get there 1/2 - on letting go of control .. SHERALEE ETIENE VS COCO ) ..

A RELATIONSHIP A FRIEND AND ASPECTS OF A PARENT. MEANING ..

I’m secure in my finances and doing what I want to make me happy with the $$$ I’m getting what are you trying to do?? Oh you need help financially and I got the backing til you’re good on ur own COOL LETS DO IT.

I told Jamal I’m hoping for x y n z and doing a b and. C there’s no goal date BUT YOU SET ONE AND I SAID COOL LET ME CHASE IT .. and if I’m getting close and it’s not working out IMMA LET YOU KNOW. .. but nigga you got business* w SECURED BLUE PRINTING IM BUILDING MINE THERES A DIFFERENCE .. your building a poetry book WHICH YOU TOOK MY ART GALLERY IDEA FROM AND MADE URS .. and ya USED ME AS A FUCKING MUSE I helped you while at laurel canyon spot when we met do your shoots for it and your write poetry off my coochie BITCH ASS NIGGA .. I TALKED ALL STAGES OF THE WAY TO YOU W WHERE I WAS AT SEEING AS A BULK OF THE MONEY ($3000 in rent is coming from you) AND SAME W OCCIDENTAL WE WENT HALF AND PAID MY PARENTS SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO STRESS ABOUT LEASING OFFICE .. until it just fell apart .. EQUINOX FIRED ME and AND A BITCH NEEDED A BREAK so I slowed down on Lyft and pushed toward building furthering my fitness freelance THAT I PUT ON HOLD TO GROW KNOWLEDGE.. Evelyn I trained you Jocelyn ya working out w me while I’m living w Daniel to BUILD MY BUSINESS .. I’m talking to you assholes about what I’m doing … but Evelyn Lee how her business for training something she sucks at and NEVER DID GROW BEFORE MINE CLIENTELE INSTAGRAM LAYOUT : she sucking sick on the back end for $$ and paying a marketing agent and stealing other ppl workouts and going to gyms to “train for knowledge “ but taking they WHOLE WORKOUT AS HERS .. then getting friends or paying other “influencers” to give her a shoutout .. STUPID TO ME AND MISS HR GLASS QUEEN LIKE DRAKEO GOT ASS WORK AN BOOBS N LIPS DONE .. LAZY SACS OF SEX MEAT FOR SOME $$$ .. IM GOOD IMA TAKE THE HARDER ROUTE W LASTING OUTCOME.

Daniel I TOLD YOU BEFORE WE MOVED I DISNT FEEL SECURE .. Lee I TALKED TO YOU AND NATEANA AND AJA AND SAID I THINK HES STUPID MISSING MENTAL PROPERTIES .. mean 🤷‍♀️ sure but like LOOK AT THE OUTCOME .. YA WASTED MY FUCKING TIME AND KILLED MY FUCKING DOG WHEN YOU HAD IT FOR A SHORT TIME .. or another dog whatever. But two weeks into moving in I broke up w you .. Lee said “he’s giving you emotional maturity u never had”

🫤 so you want me to die. Okay mom imma go die. Tf.

SO AGAIN WHY YOU AINT SIT ME THE TROUBLED TEEN DOWN W THE INSPIRATIONAL FRIEND AND FIGURE OUT THE PROBLEM!???

[oppositegenderscantbefriends]

This debate is lame.

*

Still surprised a ex of mine got i.g maybe exposed on reddit? Not sure if she okay-ed it or what I don't speak to them so not my problem but still weird an a Lil gross to see.

*

I want to fuk around or get into a relationship but at the same time I know I'm not mentally ready nor emotionally available right now for that. I also just don't want to spend money. I really have been selfish with myself and it's nice. But uh yeah I kinda wanna fuk around but that could cost my time away from making money and that doesn't seem worth it or productive. I did a lot to be who I am today an locked away the man wh0re b.s I used to do and idk if I'd wanna let that back out again because I started thinking what if I had a daughter or what about my sister's? If they saw or could see how I am with women would they see that as okay if I wasn't being genuine or honest or loyal? Would they accept a lesser man instead of somebody good in nature? So I stopped an changed my ways. Just didn't want them to grow up valuing something horrible and If I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to let men use her or think that what they do is okay or normal or right because they got something from it. That's just not healthy or okay in anyway.

*

Mental health isn't good again. Just not okay but at the same time I will be. Only because I said and promised I wouldn't do anything permanent. Although the urge is strong. I just know now that it'll pass and that it's just temporary pain. It's not gonna be like this forever. Even though I challenge that idea, I have come to accept it and started hoping it does. Really wish I didn't see and go through and have things done to me in life, seen things i didnt ever think i would, heard things from people i never expected to hear, and experienced stuff I shouldn't have ever felt. I know life isn't easy for many and everyone has a story. I get that, not asking or looking for empathy or sympathy because in my eyes. I still believe it's my fault even though I'm told differently. I still don't see it that way.

*

I wish I had somebody that would show me love thru making me amazing food recipes from insta, Facebook or wherever to just try out. Such a food wh0re. That and having somebody make you something from scratch or just overall homemade always means a lot to me because it doesn't need to be expensive or fancy or any of that. It's the effort and thought of that person taking that much time and thinking that hard about me that makes me happy. The littlest things in life truly mean the most because in my experience, they're always overlooked.

*

I had a bad health scare recently. Blood pressure wasn't lookin right, heart rate was a bit high but all good. Just almost maybe nearly went on a ambulance ride. Couldn't catch my breath, talking was nearly impossible. Heart felt funny a couple days but we good. It's normal feeling now. If it happens again I'll probably be in the e.r or possibly dead if it's as serious as it could be but I don't think it will be. I got really good genetics sooooo yeah. Just sucked feeling my chest that tight, not able to speak an when I did it felt like my chest on the left side was gonna pop or burst an the next day it hurting right in the same area like Lil sharp pains an also slightly unable to catch my breath along with my heart thumpin crazy fast while I barely moved(i.e. walked or picked something up or w.e)

*

Fingers crossed that some broad gives me the green light to truly give a real hard-core experience. I just would like to vent a lot of stress and hate out into some intimacy.

*

Lost weight 188 to 152-155 now. I'm gonna get back to bulking and hitting the gym again since I have a nice solid foundation to work with since I didn't lose too much muscle mass. Gonna have a insane physique and strength when I go back to 160-165. Probably take a couple months since I'm gonna be slowly bulking since I want a bit more muscle than fat this time. Although I might eventually get back to 170ish to just be a solid unit. But yea, the main goal is weight gain with strength training.

*

Might be it? Idk. I can't decide anything anymore. Just feel desolate. Goodnight, gonna hit my cart an fuk off for a while. Maybe re share post on here still but my post will slow or stop. Same across the board of other socials.

P.s. stand up an get help if needed. Be safe in what you do in your day to day. Take care of the only body you have. Don't be weak with people who don't care about or use you. Cut em off and lock in on yourself. Nobody will give you a life worth living, you have to make one yourself.

[forehead451]

just. ONE (1) THING im mad about today:

when i brought up the idea of dorsal vagal shutdown and saying how its a different state than fight or flight, close to freeze but different and how the body responds to input regardless of whether im thinking about something or feeling sad or scared or not at all,

she was like

mm. yes someone who has gone thru an extremely traumatic experience would return to that.

i cant remember the exact words but what she said and the way she said it was already dismissing the idea that i could be experiencing that. same went for right before when i told her that the ice plunges could be interpreted as stressful for the body. shes like thats not true im like NOT FOR EVERYONE. IM TALKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT PEOPLE IN SHUTDOWN AND EVEN SO ITS ONLY A POSSIBILITY

ffs im so sick of her dismissing literally everything i say bc shes determined that both nothing is the problem and im just choosing it while also being extremely traumatized and autistic and i just need to "snap out of it" so that i can do what she wants and then i can continue after. what the ACTUAL FUCK. i cannot BELIEVE she was a MENTAL HEALTH practitioner. good grief.

she's so incredibly ableist and bioessentialist and transphobic and just very conservative while thinking she's some radical its insane. the spiritual stuff and the capitalism and individualism and the crypto environment got to her head

[rosesonthecreek]

I need to talk about this somewhere, but it’s been a little over a year and I don’t think they’ll find this.

And sometimes I wonder if what I did was wrong, but I feel like I need unbiased opinions and idk maybe I did screw something up but this is only my side of the story and I don’t even know hers.

So, I call her Blossom for this, just cause I think that’s a good fake name.

So me and Blossom met my freshman year of college and we were in marching band together. We became fast friends and would do almost everything together. I was socially awkward and it was hard for me to go anywhere without having a friend a long with me so I could act like my true self. Friends just gave me confidence to do so. This is relevant for later.

Well me and Blossom, survived a falling out with a friend group and ended up creating a new friend group, and then Blossom got a boyfriend. I will admit I may have either had a crush or just been obsessed with Blossom. I’m asexual and feelings kind of confuse me, but I wasn’t upset they got a boyfriend, I just wanted to be around her, and the boyfriend didn’t seem to mind me hanging around much. He’s not the issue here.

The real issue supposedly started when we had to go somewhere together for an extracurricular and we had been carpooling all season. We don’t have a chipotle where we’re from and since we were going somewhere there was one, we would typically stop there, but I was sick of chipotle. It gave me heartburn, so I asked them a week in advance if we could consider stopping somewhere else. I did not tell them this part, but I wanted to know so I could figure out if I needed to eat before we left.

Blossom did not talk to me at all about this. I heard from new friends of mine that she was considering leaving me and not letting me stay at the Airbnb because I asked if we could eat somewhere else. That stressed me out because I had no where to stay as blossom and her boyfriend had rented the Airbnb for us.

Another important tidbit to add on. I was feeling neglected and would joke about her not loving me. So she bought me something I’d been wanting for awhile and gave it to me saying “now, you can’t say I don’t love you” which kinda upset me bc it felt like she was trying to buy my love, when I’ve stated multiple times that my love language is quality time, but I guess that doesn’t matter.

Anyway, so I did still ride with them up to our event and I had already said that if we went to chipotle I would not eat, bc I was sick of chipotle. So I asked if we could find a drive thru or restaurant nearby for me to buy food. The boyfriend ended up taking me to a checkers and I gave blossom my fries bc I never finish them and she had said they liked the fries, and we still showed up to the airbnb on time.

I genuinely didn’t think I did anything wrong and I’ve heard differing opinions on what I did was wrong or right. But I did not see an issue with me asking my best friend if we could eat somewhere else when her boyfriend who was driving us, had no problem with it. But I’ve been told I was selfish. (Which I will admit hurt when a friend told me that bc I was trying to be less of a pushover/people pleaser, and I thought with a friend it was safe to ask for things I wanted)

So she started to avoid me and I had asked her multiple times what I had done wrong only for her to answer and say “nothing” but continue to actively avoid conversation with me. Until one day I had a friend from the friend group tell me that she was going out with the rest of the friend group and telling them that she didn’t like me anymore. So I texted her asking what I had done wrong and she sends this long paragraph.

She said that she didn’t like how I complained about work. (I would only be able to work on Fridays after I had a full day of classes and multiple things to do on the weekend, so I never got any rest and my complaining was “I don’t want to go to work today.” But apparently her reasoning was that I would complain about having no money, say I need to go to work and then complain about being scheduled, she claimed this affected her own work ethic???) She said that I spent my money irresponsibly and would then would complain about having no money. (I like to buy 5 dollar surprise inside collectibles and I wouldn’t even buy them that often, maybe once every 2 months at the most? I got paid 9 dollars an hour and was spending most of my money on gas and food and could only work once a week if I was lucky, between school and extracurriculars. I wouldn’t even say I complained, just plainly stated “I don’t have any money” a lot of the time, as the friend group liked to go and eat out, I don’t know what she had to complain about tho when her boyfriend would pay for her meals and she lived at home with her parents)

She also complained that I would make her feel unappreciated for doing things for me, even though I’m not sure how I did that. I thanked her when she offered to fix my leggings and I would thank her when she gave me gifts. She complained I would use her as a social battery by forcing her to go to events with me, and for some context, I wanted to join this sorority and she said she was mildly interested so I asked her days in advance if she’d come with me to a recruitment event, and she said yes, only for the day to come and for her to say she made plans to go on a date with her boyfriend. I won’t say what I did was right but I begged her to come with me and find another day to go on a date, and then I complained to her about her scheduling and how she should keep better track of it. She told me in her paragraph that I had pressured her into going to something she didn’t want to go to, when I feel like she should’ve said something beforehand but I digress.

She said I had a bleak outlook on life and it was frustrating her. Told me I need to rethink my life. (I am against capitalism if that’s what she was referring to, but I’d say I have a pretty optimistic outlook on life, I mean I’m in college trying to become a fiction writer, I don’t see how that is bleak? Maybe I would complain to her about certain things but I would only do that bc she was my self proclaimed best friend. I was also struggling mentally at the time and extremely burnt out and made that very clear to all of my friends, looking back it’s probably good we’re not friends anymore)

I apologized profusely and I so so so regret it bc I don’t think I should’ve apologized. I basically told her I was sorry for making her feel unappreciated, that I wasn’t using her as a social battery, I just wanted to hang out with her, and it felt like she was avoiding me so I would pressure her into hanging out with me. I also apologized for complaining about our job, but I said I had been burnt out and everything felt like a chore. (I remember going back to my dorm and being so mentally exhausted I couldn’t do anything but stare numbly at my tv)

She said she appreciated my apology and wanted to still be friends but she needed a break.

Well, it’s been a year now and she treats me like the plague. She sits at the opposite side of the room from me. If I see her at work she goes out of her way to actively avoid me. If I walk over to a group she’s socializing with she will walk away. At first it hurt, like a lot. I was severely heartbroken, and would think about it for months as I would go to sleep. I would cry about it often. I genuinely thought she was my best friend, and that we were going to be friends forever. Our friendship didn’t even last year.

Now I’m just kind of sick of her acting this way, especially since she told everyone we work with that we weren’t friends bc I called her a gold digger. Which I can firmly state that I never once called her a gold digger unless I was calling myself one too in the same sentence. (Everyone at work loves me tho so it wasn’t a big deal)

And to add on we are both in sorority previously mentioned. Believe it or not despite me pressuring her into going she got a bid before me. But I didn’t give up and went to the recruitment events despite our falling out and received a bid. So not only do we work together, we are also in a small sorority together. I want us to just be on friendly terms not friendly, bc it’s extremely annoying for her to act like I don’t exist.

Idk, any advice or opinions would be great. Or not, I don’t expect this to reach anyone. I think I needed to just get this out.

I also have a short story I wrote about the situation if anyone wants to read that. Or I might post it without any provocation, let’s see how this goes.

[ringomess]

tw / trauma dump, self harm, suicidal thoughts

but i suddenly remembered the day i had my first anxiety attack. i was on my way to class and to reach the building you have to go thru a very steep and long street. i think i was late so i was running, and when i arrived to the gate i was obviously exhausted and hyperventilating. but in that moment i wasn’t thinking that it was because i was running and thought that there was something wrong with me, and started to feel my heartbeat really really strong and fast in my chest, and my blood heating thru my body and i thought i was going to die.

i was also really stressed because i was being late to class and while i felt i had no air i was still thinking if i didn’t go to class in that moment, the teacher wouldn’t let me enter to the classroom and i would have to wait until the next period. because i felt so sick i decided i was going to skip the period and waited outside the school, and after that i slowly started to calm down.

still noticing my heartbeat really fast, and now feeling really cold, i pulled out my phone and googled anxiety attacks symptoms (if you didnt notice yet, i was a bit of a hypochondriac at those times), because i’ve had friends that talked to me about it and heard people, but never experienced one. i guessed i was having and anxiety attack but couldn’t confirm it because it was my first, so i called my mother, who was working.

i don’t remember the conversation, i know i told her “i think i’m having an anxiety attack” and that i didn’t know what to do. and she basically told me to go to class. to calm down and go to class. i felt so bad because i felt like i was about to die and my mom didn’t care? she just wanted me to go to class? and now i look back and this is another proof of how neglected i was as a teenager.

i’m very lucky i was able to access cheap therapy and now i’m healed. but my parents neglected my mental health a lot.

when i was 11/12 i was self harming and i told my mom in summer because i was going to a summer camp and i was scared of her finding out because of someone else. i stopped doing it by that time, but she was worried sick about me and i basically swore to never do it again. but did she take me to a professional? no. she took me to our neighbor who is a school counselor and ofc i didn’t want to talk about that with my neighbor, because it was too personal and also shameful. so i just said i was not going to do it ever again and we talked about my problems in school (undiagnosed adhd…). for like 3 or 4 sessions. and i never went again to talk to her.

really? your 12 years old kid is self harming and you don’t even think of taking her to a doctor? she also suspected i had eating problems but i denied it (i did have). and then 4 years later, that same kid is calling you on the phone because she has an anxiety attack and you tell her to calm down and go to class? you are not scared that her mental health is at risk again when she has that historial???

of course going to class was the right thing. i was supported by my friends there and distracted and eventually forgot about the anxiety. but hearing from her more worrisome, maybe ask me if i needed her, or what could she do, would have made me feel a lot better.

and guess what? after that i developed an anxiety disorder and fell into depression. i self harmed again. and did my parents notice? not at all. i was scared of being suicidal again and i knew i was getting really close to it, so i asked my parents to take me to therapy (it took a LOT of courage to do it). guess what??? instead of saying yes, my mom demanded me explanations of why i wanted to go. i told her it was too personal and i didn’t want to discuss it with her. she then said that first she was gonna take me to the doctor and if the doctor said i needed therapy then she would take me. she didn’t trust me! i had to endure my mom not believing i was sick while i was fighting for my life at the same fucking time. eventually the doctor sent me to the psychologist and also nagged my mom for not listening to me, specially because a big part of my depression came from dealing with school as a undiagnosed adhd and i talked about this with my parents a lot and i told the doctor that i was having super bad time in school and he was like “your child’s wellbeing is the priority, not school!”. i’m really grateful for that doctor.

they could have lost me so many times. i was suicidal a lot of times thru my teen years. even today i wonder how did i have the strength to keep going and pick myself up because i had no one that knew i was depressed. i am so lucky that i didn’t completely loose the hope, and i’m so glad today because i’m healed and happy and love living. but it’s not thanks to my parents that i’m alive today. it’s not thanks to no one but myself.

[dlnj]

Well I am once more just another step closer to being diagnosed with incontinence. I have already had a tele health appointment that did give me a bedwetting diagnoses (I can’t remember how to spell the medical term for it) I was told to see my primary and to tell them about it. I’ve been flip flopping about it , scared and nervous but at the same time ready to take the next step in my diapered journey. Anyway I put out a couple of emails looking to get some diapers for free (times have been tough and I can’t always afford my diapers lately and I do need them to sleep so this is where this all comes from) anyway one of the places I emailed wondering if they could help me out with a diaper supply happened to be my primary care doctors office, who got back to me and had gathered up a whole bunch of diapers for me . She was very very nice told me if and when I run out and need more to let her know she has plenty for me. Now that this came from my doctors office and I actually went in to get my diapers I have to see this all the way thru. I’ve been scared to death to mention it to her in person (I don’t know why , I did it on the tele health appointment no problem ) kind of crazy I’m being such a scaredy cat about it . But the cat is out the bag now, the doctors office now knows I wear diapers for bedwetting and other times during the day for leaking , stress and urge incontinence, so a mixed I guess. Don’t get me wrong I am very much a diaper lover , over time I’ve been slowly becoming a bed wetter (which I am now for years now) and the day time stuff just started to happen on its own . Kind of crazy how I’ve always wanted this and it looks like I’m going to be well on my way to complete diaper dependency. My wife knows and is 100% behind it. Knows I’m a diaper lover and knows that I want to be diaper dependent and is encouraging me to make it happen . I’ve always wanted diapers to not be my choice . Maybe she should make me go to the doctors and then the doctor will tell me it won’t be my choice . Granted I’ve been in diapers for bed for years now so I’m pretty sure she won’t even try to prescribe medications which I’m not going to be ok with taking anyway not just because I want to have to wear diapers but because I hate all medications and their side effects. But yes I do want to have to wear diapers . Only a couple days til the big day left and I’m ready. Wish me luck everyone , hopefully I can be brave and be honest with my doctor about my need for diapers. Here’s to having a new incontinent diagnoses.

[okayyeahforsure]

2 years

That started with us being in an open relationship where all I asked was that you communicate openly about sex with others and that condoms be worn with other partners for my own health reasons. You waited two days to tell me you had sex with someone and when you did, you admitted you didn’t use a condom with them. We closed off the relationship because your communication skills weren’t good.

When we closed off the relationship, you told me it would make you insecure if I sent lewd and nude photos to people so I stopped. We made a compromise - I could post to fetlife and you could post to twitter. You deleted your twitter and started posting to a secondary Instagram account I found about thru your roommate, and didn’t bother to tell me until it came out that you sent lewd photos privately to a friend and she asked to use it to make art prints. She sold 3 pictures of you before you finally asked her to not sell anymore after we fought about it for a month.

You telling me I need to make sure I’m having “appropriate interactions” with my friends after giving my best friend a hug where I jumped on him - but you were letting your friends proposition you for sex, sharing beds and cuddling with them and hiding it from me, and paying for pornographic materials from our friends and hiding it from me.

Where you would lie to me about going to events and bail on plans with me and my family that we made in advance.

Where you expected me and my kid to open our home to you and your kid when you had her because you refused to find a child friendly living situation, but couldn’t enforce your kid respecting my kids space or things let alone the rules in my house.

When I finally broke it off with you but still loved you, and even attempted to reconcile things with you after a few months but I just couldn’t trust you anymore. I gave up after my birthday and was up front with you that I just wanted to be friends and didn’t want to try and get back in a romantic relationship anymore. Then the few weeks later when you blew up on me saying I lead you on and that I never said I no longer wanted to get back with you. Maybe you were stressed because the married person you were trying to hook up with showed their spouse the messages between you two, them thinking you two were just being pals and joking, and their spouse got super upset because they weren’t okay with how the two of you were “joking” and you needed to take it out on someone.

And finally when you started heart reacting to a bunch of my Instagram stories and then showed up at my house unannounced because you had some great big realization (again) and needed to apologize for accusing me of leading you on. I told you that you should go and shut the door. You made a big grand Instagram post about it for “those following your journey after losing a deep connection”. The first time we were at practice at the same time and you cornered me when I went off to my car to grab a water bottle - you gave me the green ink and pen that you used to journal about me, ranting about how it felt like I hated you and didn’t want you in my life anymore and you needed me to have the ink and pen because you wouldn’t be journaling about me anymore. You started making me really uncomfortable. I gave the pen and ink away at practice because you refused to take it back when I said I didn’t want it. I later found out you did the same stunt with the pen and ink to the married friend.

2 years with you and I left the relationship with even more trauma than when I went in.

[toomanysurveys9]

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time? Just getting home or on the way home from Jacob’s mom’s house.

What was the last thing you watched on the TV? I don’t remember. Probably Jane the Virgin.

Do you think pets can get annoying easily? No, it takes a lot to annoy me generally. At least for my pets to.

Did you know that pickles have no calories? I didn’t know that.

Do you enjoy family get togethers? I do.

In a group of three, do you often feel like the third wheel? Yup.

What color are your pants? Blue jeans.

Is there snow on the ground where you are? No. It’s almost officially summer.

What is keeping you warm right now?

It’s warm outside right now. But Nora is also sleeping on me with a blanket and she’s a little heater.

Has anyone bought you a piece of jewelry? Yeah.

How far away is your next birthday? Three-ish months.

Do you have plans for that birthday yet? No plans.

When did you last take a shower? It’s been a few days.

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? I have not.

Have you ever flown somewhere alone? Nope.

Are you more serious or funny? Definitely more serious.

Is there someone that annoys you but you haven’t told them? There are a lot of people that fall into this category.

When is garbage day in your area? Friday.

Who/What was the last thing to really irritate you? All the kids yelling and screaming and fighting.

Do you think people either love or hate spongebob? I mean, I feel like there’s probably people somewhere in the middle too.

Have you seen that new “Lie To Me” show? It’s not new, but yes. I watched a couple seasons, but never finished the series.

What is something you’d rather be doing right now? I’m ready to go to sleep.

Do you find that people are too hard on you? They can be but I’m hardest on myself.

Do you take surveys often? Not as often as I used to or would like to. But I’m hoping to be able to get back into it.

Do you tend to slam things around when you’re mad? Not usually.

Do you know anyone who hates/dislikes chocolate? Probably but they’re not coming to mind right now.

Could you vote in this last election? Yup.

Have you taken a shower today? Nope.

How much sleep did you get last night? Not nearly enough.

Do you have more girl friends or guy friends? Neither. Lol.

What is your current mood? Super sleepy.

Is there anything on your mind at the moment? Just stressing out about everything I need to do and buy and take care of before the trip next week.

Are there any movies out that you’d like to see? I want to see the new Little Mermaid movie!

Have you ever been on a website called Stickam? I don’t think so.

Have you ever hated yourself? All the time.

Are you hungry? Nope.

Did your parents ever ground you? Alll the time.

Where was the last place you went out to eat? Hacienda with Nora on Saturday. Panera was the drive thru.

Have you ever felt like you needed a better life than the one you have? I guess so.

Do you own an MP3 player of some kind? I do but I don’t use it.

Do you have a moment in your life you wish you could replay over again? A few.

Have you ever been in a play? If so, did you like it? I was in a musical once.

What is one musical artist you wish wasn’t making music? I don’t care for Cardi B much. But I know there are others that like her.

When was the last time you cleaned something? I swept the floor not too long ago.

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Yup. Several times at various ages for various things.

Do you like your smile? I hate it actually. My gums and teeth are shit because I never expected to live this long and my parents never taught us proper dental hygiene.

Do you have someone that you think truly understands you? Not really.

When was the last time you doubted yourself? Anytime I think about my upcoming internship. And I was also worried about my signature assignment for this class but ended up with a perfect score.

Is there anything currently bothering you? I have too much on my plate before next week.

Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? Nope.

Who was the last person to cheer you up when you were down? My kids.

Are you scared of what you do not know? Sometimes, yes.

Is there anything in the next six months that you’re looking forward to? Florida. And hopefully going to Louisiana for Leslie’s wedding. And starting my internship.

Were you/are you popular in high school? Not even a little.

Do you really care what people think about you? Not really.

Do you find yourself treating others like you’d want to be treated? I try.

Are you constantly envious of others? Not really.

Are you more of a whiner with things or a do’er of things? Definitely a mix of both.

List three of your favorite TV shows: Supernatural, Criminal Minds, and Hart of Dixie tend to be my comfort shows.

Would your friends say you’re a relaxed person or stressed? Stressed for sure.

What do you find yourself worrying most about these days? Finances. My babies.

Would you say it’s hard to earn your trust? No. It’s too easy and I always get hurt.

Who was the last person to compliment you? Eliana I think. :) She’s a sweetie.

Anything interesting happen this past week? This week just started.

When was the last time you felt scared? Yesterday when Michelle and Jacob let Nora on the trampoline.

What’s on your mind this very second? I need to get to bed.

Do you know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? I do.

Do you correct other people’s grammar/spelling when talking to them online? Nope.

Is bacon one of your favorite foods? I enjoy it on occasion, but it’s definitely not one of my favorite foods by any means.

Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends? Yes but my kids say no. Lol.

Do you like things Vampire related? I do. Although I’m super into fairies right now. :p

Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher? Not that I can remember.

When was the last time you saw snow? Whenever it snowed last, which wasn’t as long ago as it should have been. Lol.

Have you ever felt stupid after saying something? All the time.

Do you find yourself cold at the moment? Nope.

Are your nails currently long? Longer than I like them to be. Especially with my job being with kids.

Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I talk about it too much sometimes. Especially on here.

Do you have long slender fingers or short chunky ones? Chunky. :( 

Do you think your foot size fits your body type? No. They’re too big for as short as I am.

Are you the competitive type? Noo.

Are you more of a mommy’s person or a daddy’s person? Momma’s.