#like what is there to say except FUCKFACE

[mayiluv]

Jealousy meter☆(Hashiras ft. Kamaboko squad)

Masterlist

Kyojuro Rengoku

█░░░░░░░░░ 10%

He isn't jealous at all ! He trust you! But he doesn't trust others just as much.

He often worries whenever he sees someone making you uncomfortable. If the person make it obvious that they are hitting on you, he won't hesitate to hold your hand and get in front of the person to proudly claim you (and to make you feel better).

"Sorry but they're taken!"

Agatsuma Zenitsu

█████░░░░░50%

He is possessive from time to time.

Like he do trusts Tanjiro and most hashiras (surprisingly) but he tends to get pretty jealous at strangers. Whenever he sees you talking to one with a little too much closeness, he run to get next to you and to kiss you. It's like you two are fighting now.

"Sorry [Name] I just wanted to make sure that they got the hint."

"Zenitsu that's my cousin-"

"THEY ARE ?!"

Sanemi Shinazugawa

████████░░ 80%

Man he's jealous...

He would clearly tell anyone that he judges too close to you to fuck off. He doesn't wants to share you. Even if you tell him there is nothing to worry about. He accept when it's the hashiras except Giyuu. I guess he got something against him.

"Get lost, she's already mine fuckface."

Genya Shinazugawa

█████░░░░░ 50%

That's a 50/50. It actually depends.

He's actually more insecure about himself and that's what makes him doubt your love for him. When he sees you with someone else he usually goes full on koala mode and stay gripped to your arm.

"When are we going?"

Kanroji Mitsuri

██░░░░░░░░ 20%

She's not jealous. She's scared.

She's scared you'll find someone better and when she sees you with someone else a part of her always feel like she's not enough. You can easily see when she's feeling down, and you just have to remind her with a hug and she'll feel better.

"Sorry! I'm just scared you'll leave me"

Obanai Iguro

███████░░░ 70%

He pretty jealous

Most of the time he'll send Kaburamaru around your neck and people get the hint. But if they don't then...he'll go give them the hint himself. And by that I mean he would roast the shit outta them.

"Back off. Nobody would want to date your dirty goofy no bitches no purpose no friends no standards person."

Tanjiro Kamado

█░░░░░░░░░ 10%

He's never jealous.

If you think Kyojuro is kind then he's another level. He's like a ball of sunshine, he would talk happily not knowing that someone was hitting on you. But he does feels a little insecure when je sees you with someone else. He won't say it but he would cling onto you a little bit more.

"Do you love me?"

Himejima Gyomei

░░░░░░░░░░ 0%

He trusts you 100% and being a man of religion he has no doubt in your love. He does tho wonder if he could satisfy you enough since he's blind. He's just as capable as any men but he gets insecure from time to time due to his past.

"I promise I will try my best to protect you [name]"

Hashibira Inosuke

█████████░ 90%

He is easily jealous.

No matter who he sees with you he'll be growling at them. But he doesn't quite seems to understand love at all so he wouldn't be possessive but he still do get jealous and will NOT be ashamed of yelling at anyone.

"How dare you talk to the great Inosuke Hashibira's partner !"

Kocho Shinobu

█████░░░░░ 50%

She isn't JEALOUS, she's just overprotective.

She's more scared for your health than jealous. She's scared that you get too gullible and will fall for traps and/or get hurts by them. Poor her will try to prevent you from everyone and remind you of stranger danger.

"I do trust you [Name], but I think you're a little too innocent for your own good."

Tsuyuri Kanao

████░░░░░░ 40%

She's not really jealous.

She isn't jealous but she doesn't like seeing people hit on you. There was once you knew she was jealous because she looked at the person talking to you and she was STARING. The person got afraid and quickly apologized and left. She'll deny any accusation.

"I did not do that."

Tokito Muichiro

██████░░░░ 60%

He's easily bothered.

He would see you with someone he judges too close and full on hug your side and fix the person with that one glare. As if to brat about his partner and how lucky he is compared to the guy, he may even bite on your neck while the person's here. As soon as you're gone he would stay and probably roast that person.

"You look like you're a grand grandfather/mother if she/he didn't pass away."

Uzui Tengen

█░░░░░░░░░ 10%

He's chill

He got three wives already so he got used to this feeling. Now he actually feel proud when someone's hitting on you and will full on start talking about how amazing you are and how he's lucky to have you.

"Yes they're flashy ! I totally get why you like them, such a shame they're already taken by me."

Tomioka Giyu

███░░░░░░░ 30%

He can get jealous from time to time.

He doesn't talk a lot, and even less express his emotions. So it's a pain trying to figure out what's going on inside his head. However when he's jealous, he doesn't really tell you he just act like nothing's happening because he judges it negative to tell you about it. If you manage to find out then, congratulations you made a new step in your relationship!

"Oh.... I didn't know, sorry [Name]"

Kamado Nezuko

██░░░░░░░░ 20%

She's protective

Whenever she sees someone making you uncomfortable she'll come by your side to hug you and glare at the person when you're not looking. If the person doesn't get the hint she'll probably start growling at them. But overall, she's adorable and let anyone talk to you.

"Mmhp mhp mmph!" (I love you !)

Talk to me!

[3cremepie3]

"Upsy daisy"

Sypnopsis - Bachira pushes your body past normal limits taking a unusual role in the bedroom.

Warnings - Smut 18+, Bachira Meguru x fem reader, sub/ Dom dynamics, dirty talk, creampies, unprotected sex, squirting, overstimulation

a/n - This is my intro into the BL community I'm so happy! I love Bachira he's so adorable. I hope you enjoy remember my requests are open!

“If you keep going ill make a mess again.” You warned to no avail. This was you third orgasm and it was around that time your body finally lets itself go. But Bachira continued that infamous tongue that he liked to tease everyone with working your body.

There was nothing you could do but take the attack by his wet muscle. Your whole body tensed at the overstimulation except for your mind which felt empty. You thoughts filled with nothing but pleasure as he flicked your clit over and over.

The pile of spit and your cum was growing larger and larger against the bed sheets. You arched your back letting out a moan you were holding since you first held your breath. Bachira chuckled at your reaction his laugh sounding as sinister as the jokers in your fucked out state.

You soon knew that you would release something other then the sweet cream Bachira loved to lick out of your pulsating hole. You would spray all over his wide grin and he would look like not only the happiest but messiest boy in the world.

He didn't mind the change of aesthetic wanting to bring that affliction of so much pleasure it became impossible for your mind to keep up. “Y/n?? Babycakes you with me.” One of his free hands that wasn't the one squeezing your thighs to keep you grounded waved in your face.

He had to make sure his doll was still in this world so you could orgasm correctly. “Hello fuckface?” He plucked your forehead and stopped his actions. Your hands quickly interlocked with his black and yellow strands twisting so he could never escape.

Even without you verbally saying so he knew you were ready. Your body which used to reject his antics now rolled happily on his tongue. Your lips which used to glisten with drool from your pure stupidity now spewed love filled whispers.

“Love you so much Megu! You feel so good. Fuck yes right there. I don't think i cant take it anymore!” No, don't back away.” And you would shove his face that just wanted to inhale back into your eager heat. Your whines filled the air and if anyone were to walk past your dormitory they would know just what was happening.

Especially when that last nerve snapped in you pushing you to finish. Your trembling thighs smashed his head into your pussy until you felt him tap your thigh for mercy. Bachira felt as though he could stay in this position all day if he chose too. But today was one of those nights when he had to get inside of you.

Sex with Meguru was always fun. You guys stuck to your natural positions of him subbing and you doming. But something was different tonight. “Upsy daisy here we go!” He picked up your limp body so he could hold you in his arms. After so many orgasms you were under the assumption that he would bring you to take a warm bath. But those thoughts were broken as you felt his wide mushroom tip line up with your hungry hole.

“You can't claim you're tired when you're gripping me so nicely. I can see it in your eyes that you still want to go,” he claimed. You swore if you looked in the mirror you would probably see yourself fucked up with eyebags. But he always had a way at spotting hidden things almost as if he saw something different in you entirely.

His assumptions were always correct as you again felt worked up all over again. You looked down to the place where you and Bachira met. Down his abs and V line to the base of his cock which was covered in your slick. As he thrusted forward licking your ear and sending shockwaves through your body the sounds of your wetness filled the room.

Your heavy pants painted his back as you rested your thoughtless head on his shoulder. Each movement of his made your body jolt into his athletic build. Meguru thanked god that he built up all that muscle now he was able to pick up your body as though it was light as a feather. He kissed down your neck trying to distract you from the fact that he was about to nut in you.

All that waiting patiently got to him. “Been letting you feel good this whole time while I had to let my cock sit in my briefs basically drooling for ya’, it's unfair if i dont cum inside,” he pouted. Bachira was a spoiled brat so of course you let him have his way.

He painted your walls white and the fullness and sounds of the plap plap of your mixed fluids caused you to squirt. His cock jack hammering you while doing so allowed you to explode everywhere.

“Haha that's my good girl.” He let out that stupid face of his until it twisted into gentleness. He placed you down on the bed admiring his work. Your clit was still twitching cutely and your hole was fluttering out what he gave you. “”You were so amazing. I knew I could push you harder and harder. How about we see how many times you can cum from my creampies?”

“Looks like you can handle it. Your womb has more room for cum. Come on now, upsy daisy!”

[atsadi-shenanigans]

What Shall We Become 31 - Madeleine Stowe

You make a choice.

On AO3.

You can’t fucking breathe. You stumble over nothing and Astarion’s cool hand in yours is the only damn thing dragging you on. Feet feel like meat bricks, the impact of each step aching up your shinbones. Even your hip joints start to feel trembly.

“I don’t. Think I,” you try to say through the burn in your throat.

Y’all climbed down to the base of the tree (or near enough, since it seems to be growing up through the ass crack of the world). To one side, some man wails gibberish at y’all.

You don’t stop. Neither does Astarion.

Your pack thumps against your spine. You hope all the bottles in there ain’t crashing together and mixing themselves into Faerunian mustard gas or whatever.

Astarion leads y’all down and down, around the roots. The ground smooths out below. A path disappears into the dark as y’all get away from the ghost light of the fucking weird tree. But that stitch in your side lances up into your lungs. You ain’t gonna last much longer. Which you say.

Astarion says something back, ending in darling. Tugs on your hand.

“Fuck,” you gasp.

As y’all hit the level ground and the cool darkness below, something wails behind y’all. High-pitched, ululating in a way that don’t sound natural. Some kinda horn? Jesus fuck, they’re hunting you.

Astarion swears (you don’t really need a translation by the tone.)

Fucking drow. Fucking Faerun Middle Narnia bullshit.

The magic tree and its whispers start to fade as your heart threatens to rupture.

“I gotta.” You try to breathe. Try to form a fucking word. Everything is flagging through the adrenaline now. You stumble again over nothing. “Gotta stop.”

Astarion twists around. His hand tightens in yours. Jesus fuck, you can handle a few more steps—

You ain’t never been shot. But you’re pretty sure it feels a lot like what hits you. Except ain’t no sound or baseball bat of impact. You’re stumbling along, and then something pierces the back of your mind and your whole body locks. You got enough awareness to know you’re falling and that your face is gonna take the hit—

It does. The world snaps out for a second as your brains rattle in your skull.

Then you’re lying on your stomach in the dirt and Astarion skids to drop next to you.

“Darling? Eleanor?”

Your lungs is gonna burst. Your arteries is going to split like overcooked macaroni noodles. There’s something in the dark. Some primal terror your simian ancestors know and shriek and shake the branches of your brain at.

Trapped. Watched. It’s going to get you and your body pulls tight in preparation.

“Darling!” Astarion says.

A presence in your mind. The shadow of one. Like that fuckface with the knife, only colder. Harder. Much, much sharper.

Your fingers scrabble uselessly in the dirt. You can’t run. Can’t breathe. Can barely think. Something’s got you. A fly in a web, thrashing and drawing it closer. You can feel its eagerness. It’s thrill. A successful hunt. The final memory shard.

“D-drow,” you say and bite into your tongue for the effort.

Astarion swears again. Stands. Draws his knives.

There’s more than one drow. Several. You can just about sense that in whatever holds you (one drow; one fucking magic drow clenches your brain in a raptor’s talons). The last time Astarion fought one drow he got hurt and damn near eaten by the local wildlife. Ain’t no way he’s gonna win this.

“Astarion,” you manage through clacking teeth and the iron taste of your own blood. “Run.”

“What?” he says all sharp. Then his thoughts reach to yours, only that whirling cloud of terror mostly blocks him and he recoils.

“Run,” you say.

He manages to get through: you’re being ridiculous and they’ll catch you if he just leaves you here.

But they can’t see him. Not in the dark. Fucking Predator Rules. He can get away and they won’t even know he’s out there.

Another thin wail. Gotta be a hunting horn. Your brain helpfully reminds you of stories you read as an adult, as entertainment, of the Wild Hunt. Stupid peasants caught outside in the night and carried off by mad fairies. Sometimes for good. Most times for bad. And almost never, ever seen again.

More reason for him to stay (fuck, you thought that last part too loud). He told you they see the heat of a living thing, and you surmised he could effectively hide in the shadows. He can strike from those same shadows. It’s what he was made for.

And an undercurrent he’s trying to hide. Shoving down even as his thoughts race and the fear makes his fingers twitch.

He left you before.

You catch distant footsteps now. A rush of them. And if you can hear them, they’re close. Astarion is an outline with dim features in this light, away from the tree. A couple steps and you’ll lose him.

They’re gonna catch you (it watches, coming closer, so close and if you could move, you’d throw your arms up to cover your head in an instinctive, childish attempt to hide). If they catch him too? It’s over for y’all.

They’ll kill you; Astarion knows this. Knows drow. They’ll have no use for you. They hate surface dwellers and everything not drow (and most drow). You’ll die, and it will not be quick.

Except you got something they want. That shard in your brain. They can’t just kill you, or they’ll lose what they came for, right?

So they’ll take it and then kill you.

How easy is it? To take that from a brain?

For a sufficiently powerful sorceress? As the one holding you clearly is? How in the hells should he know?

He has to go. You cannot both be caught. And then. You catch it. Like a plucked cord, the small vibration ricochets through him. The desire to run.

Cause he’s been in scrapes before, you sense. And when he could run—from Faerunian cops or bad people (sometimes both in the same people)—he did.

But other times, filled with cold horror and dread and pain, those times he couldn’t run. Physically couldn’t. An order from a hated voice commanded him kneel and his legs gave out and he could only cower there and wait for it to start and wish, wish, wish he could bolt. He’d tried that once and never again, can’t take that again—

He wrenches that thought from you. Eyes wide and wild, lips pulled back to bare his teeth. That wasn’t for you.

“Sorry,” you croak. You didn’t mean to see it. You push that through to him. Start to do your best to smooth down the hackles raised in his alarm.

Until the shining line appears. Until the whisper of an idea is just there in your head.

You pause to consider it, this time. As best you can with the voice in the dark it’s coming for you. He has to go. Has to.

So you reach for that cord. Gather the animal terror batting itself against your ribcage, and shove that at him. At that same cord in him. The memory of longing to flee.

Danger run! you shout at him. It’s good to run!

Feel it hit. His lungs jerk as it hits his body like a punch to the heart. He stumbles back two steps before he locks his own muscles. He knows what you did. Is angry about it, but so desperately wants to give in.

Across the brainworm group chat, the others are sensing some of this. Reaching for you. You imagine the door of a bank vault closing, the heavy ka-klunk of it sealing and the wheel spinning as it locks out the rest of the world from you.

“Go,” you say in English. Astarion is the only one you still let through. You say it low and smooth as you can with your jaw damn near locked and your voice straining. Like talking to a spooked horse. Like trying to convince the infuriating goblin man who you want to kiss (jesus lord) to get the fuck away from the Wild Hunt on your ass, because if he’s out there, y’all got some chance. “Astarion, go.”

His mouth opens. No words come out. But he takes another half step. And y’all are still connected enough you feel him feel your small sigh of relief. You want him to. You need him to. He wants to.

“Please,” you say.

He takes two more steps. Turns. And disappears into the dark.

You let him stay connected a little while, so he knows you approve. Knows you’re glad he ain’t here. The footsteps of the Wild Hunt get louder. The fear squeezes your brain like a goddamn vice. And maybe fifty feet away, a low imperious voice says something.

The sorceress. The one who holds you.

You cut the brainworm connection. Find yourself alone in your prone, useless body on the verge of hyperventilating.

You don’t want Astarion—or any of them—to feel this. The thought you was hiding. How badly you wanted him to stay. Stand over you with them knives and his teeth. For someone, anyone—him—to stay with you, just once. Not leave you alone. Protect you from the bad things just once, just once in your whole goddamn life. Not leave you to face it all by yourself again and again, because ultimately you are alone and always will be and no one, ever, can stop the bad things from happening.

And then the drow are on you.

[sillytaetime]

J.JK~ Back in time

Desc:// Since graduating high school, you started a part-time job at a cafe. One day during your shift, your high school bully comes in but he’s HOT.

Warnings:// Slight angst, enemies to lovers, fluff

Pairings:// Bully!Jk x Nerdy!reader

WC:// 892

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve never had any boyfriends. In high school, I was kind of seen as the ugly duckling. I was called names, pushed around, and told I wasn’t good enough. It can’t get any worse than that, right? Wrong. Jeon Jungkook made it worse. He was the school’s bully. He turned into a really big jerk after his crush turned him down for being too ugly. In a sense, I felt bad for him. 

I don’t know why i was the one he chose to target, but I was the chosen one, I guess. 

Jungkook gave me many nicknames from freshman year to senior year. His favorite ones were cow, fuckface, and oxygen thief. Over time I grew immune to his insults. Did I believe every word he said? Yeah, but it no longer hurt the way it did freshman year.

I guess it became a kind of feud between us. I started fighting back junior year. 

“Hey fuckface.” “Hey puddle shit.” “Damn, a new nickname? It’s like you never stop thinking about me.” He had a point, I dwell trying to come up with new things to say to him in my free time. “Anyways, too bad we only have 1 month left with each other till we graduate.” You were very aware of this. You’ve been counting down the days till graduation, when you’d no longer have to look this shit stain in the face. 

~ 1 year after graduation ~

Since my high school graduation, i started working at a cafe that’s about a block away from my apartment and 2 blocks away from my college. It pays decent. I’m saving up to be able to get a car. My parents don’t have the money to lend me anything so I’m working to support myself all on my own and I have been since the day I turned 18. 

Maybe the reason I was bullied so much was because my parents never made much. I often had to wear clothes more than once in a week without washing it, my socks had holes in them, and my shoes were practically falling apart but at least I had 2 loving parents who did their best.

Today, I work a really long shift. I have to open the cafe and close up. About 10 hours into my shift, a very hot but familiar man walks through the door and up to my register. “Hey, I’ll get a caramel macchiato, please” “Coming right up, that’ll be $6.25″ The man pays and goes and sits by the window with his drink. 

Everyone had left, except for this guy. I was getting ready to close up, so I walked over to where he had sat these last 2 hours. “Hey, we’re getting ready to close up for the night...” “Oh, right. Sorry, I must have lost track of time.” He looks at me and his jaw drops. “Y/N?” He knows my name?? “Do I know you?” He seems kind of surprised that you don’t remember him. He was so hot I definitely would’ve remembered him. “It’s Jeon Jungkook from high school.” 

Oh, holy fuck. Since when was the Jeon Jungkook this hot? “It’s been a while, how have you been?” “I’ve been well. Mostly studying for my classes.” “Well, look at who’s the nerd now.” I laugh. He laughs too. “Would you maybe want to go for a walk in the park and catch up?” I nod and start making my way towards the door.

Why would i turn him down? I don’t really hold grudges against people, high school is high school. Sure, he was a jerk, but I wasn’t nice to him either.

For about half an hour, we just walked in silence, enjoying the sunset until he spoke up. “Listen, I feel really bad about how I treated you in high school.” “It’s ok, i didn’t treat you well either.” “No, it’s not ok. I deserved every name you called me. You never deserved that. I got my feelings hurt and I just immediately started treated you badly because I was embarrassed you didn’t like me back.” 

Wait... Was I the girl? “What do you mean I didn’t like you back?” “I left those flowers and note in your locker, and you threw them away. Remember?” Oh shit. I thought that was a practical joke and that no one actually liked me. “Oh my god, i feel so bad now.” “Don’t, it taught me a lot.” “Really?” “Yeah, it taught me that if i really want something I need to go up and do it myself instead of just leaving a stupid note.” “I guess that’s a pretty valuable lesson.” “Yeah, I’m really glad i ran into you actually, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” 

He stops walking and turns to me. “I can’t live my life regretting the way I told you in high school, so I want to ask you out properly.” This is not happening... I can’t believe I’m about to be asked out by my high school bully. “Would you like to go on a date with me, Y/N?” “Yes.”

I could see his eyes light up. I guess everyone has the thing they truly want, this is his. Who knows what could come from this, but I’m willing to give it a try.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

What if Medic taught the team sex ed because he found out that someone has an STI and the mercs later either follow his advice or completely ignore it + Medic educating reader on safe sex on practice

The reason I came up with this is that I'm really stupid so I got thrush. I'm so fucking embarrassed, I'm a grown ass woman but I somehow did my hygiene incorrectly and I'm itchy down there and it burns to pee. I'm making an appointment with a gynecologist as I write this so I should be fine

Love your writing, acceptance of horny and your chill. Best wishes to you and sorry for shitty English

Dw frend your english is ✨✨✨✨

Also get well soon <3 it happens to the best of us

Tw: Sex mention/STD mention

In this case: Spy (fuckboy) got trush and Medic had a mild stroke when finding out only 3/9 Mercs understand the concept of STDs

Medic: lecturer in the conference room used in ED. Has a small presentation of whats STIs are and how to avoid them.

“Zo az you zhee, thiz are the common STDs you may encounter during ehm…”

“During third base!” Pips Scout.

Visible confusion by all non english speaking members except Spy

“The boy means sex… speak like an adult sout.” Half muffled by a ciggarete.

“Doubt you can get a hard on, frenchman, just 10 secs ago sawbone said you loose your errectIon once you hit 60” scout goes for a low blow

“Your mother never complains, does she.” Spy snakes back for a lower blow.

“SAY IT AGAIN FUCKFACE AND YOULL HAVE A MUFFCABBAGE FOR A HEAD” scout tries to grab his pistol, forgets that he had to surrender it at the lockers for safety.

“SHUT UP BABYMEN! DOCTOR SAYS ITS IMPORTANT “ a russian roar cuts them both raw and leaves them hanging.

A shill sound cuts them all, now Medic using Archimedes claws to get them all to pay attention

“Danke mein Freund “. “Now I know thiz will be embarrassing but you are all very welcome to use the jar in the medbay, well you wish to… touczh third base” A true genious never lets new opportunities for a learning moment to fall.

“So the condom jar?” “Didnt yall ever used that till Spy got Thursh??!” Scout looks dumbfounded

“You dont really use protection when ya are a gentleman, mongrel!” Sniper visibly annoyed and flustered because in his non medical experience a quickie in a van isnt really prime time for proper sex ed usage.

“Snipes Sheep dont count!” Scout goes for the low hanging fruit.

Sniper roses up and looks anywhere for a weapon but decides his chair is prime

Untill he is stopped by heavy and is basically hogtied by a even taller and burlier man

“Next will be in Locker” simple threat but working.

“Dankeshone Fruende… but yes I expect you all to use them. We cant have a czeafire because you all have different sztrains of StDS reaking havoc.”…

“ Never seen you using one tho Sawbones” Again scout being a dumbass.

Soldier now fed up , stands up and salutes

“MEDIC AS AN AMERICAN I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IN MY AMERICAN EDUCATION WHAT SEXUALY TRANSIMETED DISEASES ARE, BUT THIS HERE BASTARDS HAVE MADE THIS LESSON UNACCEPTABLE. PERMISSION TO STRANGLE SCOUT?”

“NO TALK BABYMAN!”

“What if ye just want yer dick sucked by a bird? Do ye also need a condom?” Demo awoken has to ask the most revelant question in the last hour and a half.

“YOU DO VAT TO BIRDS?” Medic officially snapped.

“Ya know, chicks” scout yells amidst being stangled

“Vat?”

“HE MEANS WOMEN YOU IDIOT” hogtied sniper yells

“JA YOU DUMBKOFF!”

Earie silence from Medic finnaly snapping.

“Do we also have to use it with dudes? Like is it any different?”scout is about to pass out.

Medic defeated

Spy horrified his son is bi ( boomer fainting)

“I mean same same but different so prolly yeah” answers him an amused Engie.

“Mhmmm mmh” Pyro says and leaves the building.

True mercenary chaos ensues with Spy accusing Scout from hiding shit from him while all the others have fights about who did what and why they didnt use a wrapper.

Case in point

They are all idiots.

[crehador]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

ahh this is such a fun question, thanks so much for the ask! a difficult question as well lol, i am very indecisive so a top 10 anything is... tough

i'll limit myself to animanga only, aaand lump some characters in under the same banner so there's definitely going to be more than 10 here. i'm also prohibiting myself from giving more than one slot to hpmi characters or that would just be the whole list

anyway:

ICHISAMA (package deal, do not separate)

this is probably obvious (or should be obvious) from my pinned but in first place are of course my forever blorbos (and forever otp) ichiro and samatoki of hypnosis mic

it's hard to say what i like about them besides "literally everything" which is kind of funny because for like the first year-ish of me being into hpmi neither of them were my top favorites lol

and now i genuinely have to say i like them both equally, and like them both the most. out of any characters of anything ever. i typed a bunch of paragraphs after this but think i'll actually just stop here because nothing really does justice to how they make me feel (unwell, in a good way)

this post is already getting long so everything else will go under a cut! and besides ichisama in first, none of the other characters will be strictly ranked in order. mostly just listed as i think of them

2. bon my beloved, of showa genroku rakugo shinju

this is my favorite anime of all time, and what i would personally consider the best anime of all time, and bon is perhaps the single most beautiful character with the single most beautiful story i've consumed ever. i never feel any urge to make or consume fanworks of this series because it's just so mind-blowingly perfect and complete to me

i won't spoil too much about the series, but it's a tragedy, and that's something i don't read or watch much of. so it's truly exception for this to be my favorite, but it was just that good

bon is in so many ways a tragic character, and the series allows you to see him through his whole life. he's tragic in such a hauntingly beautiful way, though, and i left the series feeling like he now lives in my bones

this is probably also my favorite ishida akira role ever, which is saying a lot because he's always great. i love the anime because it gives such life to the rakugo performed in the series, and though i'm not an expert on rakugo, i felt like the performances were top-tier. and it always impresses me when voice actors take on roles that require them to perform a whole ass other art form (like rakugo or rap)

3. aomine (knb) AND grimmjow (bleach)

these are the same goddamn man i'm putting them together no one can stop me. they are a) blue b) panther-coded c) very aggro d) very aggro at a ginger mc specifically e) DEPRESSED and f) voiced by suwabe

(though honestly grimmjow's just here because they're too similar to separate, aomine's the real favorite here)

the thing with aomine is basically—

—and that paired with his tough guy/badass/fuckface manner is very appealing to me. i don't think it's even remotely possible for me to be brief in why he's so dear to me, but the short version is he's a deeply traumatized asshole and i'm into that

4. KIYOSE HAIJI RUN WITH THE WIND GUY OF ALL TIME (and various other sports guys who are single mothers)

i may have a lot of guys of all times but haiji is for real. before ichiro he was my favorite character of anything ever for a while, and he is definitely my favorite type of sports guy (so a lot of other sports guys are going to be lumped into this category with him lol)

he has an infectious passion for running and he will infect you. whether you let him or not. it's not negotiable. you will run. no matter what

i think he brings out the best in those around him, sometimes at a detrimental cost to himself. he pushes his team hard but pushes himself even harder. we stan a self-destructive king

and i'm putting natsusa number24 right in this rank with him

because while number24 is objectively Not a good anime, it's easily one of my favorite sports series and i sincerely love natsusa just as much as i love haiji. natsusa is like if someone made haiji but cranked the bitch factor up to one billion, he is the most gaslit gatekeep girlboss guy in all of sports anime and i love him for that

bonus shoutout to iura kei of shakunetsu kabaddi, usui yuuta of days, and sugawara koushi of haikyuu. gotta be my favorite flavor of sports guy

(ok this is not even fully true because i think my days favorite did ultimately end up being mizuki because he's just so fucking stupid BUT usui i still love you.........)

5. kaworu and all his ridiculously many expies (aka the "and then a weird guy appear" category)

basically i'm talking about these fucks

they show up, sometimes not even for very long, and all they do is cause problems (ok victor probably doesn't really belong here but he honestly does fit the mold and i'm too lazy to crop him out from this old graphic i made lol) and love another weird guy so catastrophically that it alters the course of the story

the way kaworu loves shinji the way komaeda loves hinata the way zashunina…… obsesses over shindo. like fine wine to me, chef's kiss. tbh that's why victor fits the mold for me, his and yuuri's love is less the "People Will Die" type of catastrophic but it's still life-changing, life-saving, for them both

ironically even though kaworu is a ryo expy himself i'm not. i'm not that big on ryo, i'll be honest. maybe it's because i wasn't the biggest of netflix devilman in general. i should probably read the manga sometime, might change my mind

6. SOFT BOYS natsume and rei

putting them together in part because lol look at them making the same pose on their anime covers even

these are both (natumse's book of friends and march comes in like a lion) two of my favorite series, and two of my favorite protagonists. they're soft but not weak, hurt but not broken. it just feels comfortable to spend time with them, to follow them even when they're hurting

7. CELTY MY BELOVED, of durarara

honestly celty is just cool as fuck. there are lots and lots of reasons to love her but i get so incoherent about it. it's really strange because i feel like the way narita writes women is not great in many ways, and yet... he always fucking... writes the hottest fucking women goddamn, i can't be mad about that

i always liked shinra too. because of how relatable he was lmao. i would be a weird little man about celty too i'm sorry

8. sir integra fairbrook wingates hellsing, of hellsing

god. yet another. she's just so fucking cool. massively obsessed with her. it's been too long since i've watched hellsing (and durarara for that matter) for me to remember a ton of details but her whole personality is just so appealing to me

you know the way people like fma olivier armstrong. sir integra's my armstrong

9. hei, of darker than black

once again he's just cool as fuck, also i'm chinese and it's rare to see a really good chinese character in anime, much less as a main character. darker than black is an older series at this point, but it remains one of my old favorites. second season was a bit questionable but honestly i didn't hate it. my boy got fuucked uuupppppp (said with delight)

funny story about hei is when i first started watching the show there was this moment where i thought "this is a weird detail to notice but something about his collarbones look really nice to me? they're just two lines but idk they're lovely"

THEN LATER IN THE SERIES on at least two other occasions that i can remember, maybe more, actual characters in canon commented on THIS SPECIFIC THING. HIS COLLARBONES. so what do i like about hei? what does anyone like about hei? apparently it's his collarbones lmao

10. nooooo i'm running out of space now and there are so many more blorbso i would talk about i can't choose who to put here but but but closing my eyes and picking the first name that comes to mind MIKOTO SUOH K PROJECT

part of me thinks i shouldn't actually put him here because he's, like, red samatoki lmao but no he deserves a spot. i think. idk. that's what i'm going with for now but, you know, indecisive

anyway. love a tragic mfer with one dead boyfriend who haunts the narrative and another ex who [redacted idk if anyone is going to be reading this far but just in case no one wants k spoilers i want say anything but you know this show is old as balls by now]

i actually love both of the factions in k (there are more factions later but i'm focusing on red and blue) because they're both families in different ways, and mikoto and munakata both care about their families in different ways (yes i love that bitch munakata too)

and the way they care for their people while failing to fully let their people care for them in return is sooooo delicious as a character trait to me

so that's the end of this enormous post i guess! there are approximately a billion other characters i love that i didn't get to mention but i will do my best to shut up now lmao

thank you again for the ask, very fun exercise to think about!

[arcplaysgames]

["Everything Hits At Once" by Spoon plays muffled in the distance]

Took out Fuckface McGee with my sister so I've almost wrapped up Sojiro's social link. Some social workers came to look into the uncle's claims of abuse, but Reverie and Futaba stood by their dad, and then Sojiro cried because YOU ARE MY DAAAAD, YOURE MY DAD BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE

so happy for the Sakuras, esp Reverie Vantas-Sakura.

hahahha I fucking knew it.

I mean not that it was cleverly hidden but Futaba went back over the data and basically confirmed everythiiiiing. After Kaneshiro, someone hacked the Phansite and inflated the approval rating and rigged the rankings. It was all a ploy to put the Thieves into position to be the fall guys with Okumura.

So as I was saying: Everything is Mishima's fault. How the fuck does the site admin not recognize sloppily hacked-together code that's making changes to the key features? Like, oh my god. Mishima, you're such a fuckup and everything is your fault.

l m a o i do love this moment. No dialogue, just Ryuji realizing he's been fucking played. All the excitement and fame and his insistence that they had to go after Okumura because of the rankings, all of it falls like scales from Ryuji's eyes right here.

ya done fucked up, son

The SIU Director is like. diabolically evil lmao. They don't even try to make him anything but. He's moustache-twirly. I keep rolling my goddamn eyes.

goddamn maruki can you be a little more subtle, like just a big. just a nudge. "YANNO it's okay if your memories are lies so long as they make you happy! 8D!" bruh

Anyway, it's the school festival and the school votes on who they want to be the guest speaker (is that a thing?) and the school overwhelmingly votes for Akechi.

goddamn, the ghost of you fuckin lingers, huh

are you reverie's wife now? wait, no, that's wrong. is reverie your wife now? there, that's better.

So Shido is the big bad, right? Like, he's the guy who framed Reverie in the first place, the symmetry of fiction demands he be the final dude Reverie goes up against (until Maruki finds a way to fucketh everything up). Okumura was going into politics, by removing him, did we remove the only hurdle standing between Shido and being the new PM and he's Super Evil?

What I find slightly frustrating at this point, structurally, is that I have zero idea or indication what the baddies actually want out of this. They are killing people and presumably want to use the Metaverse to control the population, but do they have, like, a guiding philosophy or something? Or is it just power for power's sake, because that's boring.

NO IDEA. We know fuck all!

Is that a lie?

lmao what am i saying, nothing Akechi says is an absolute truth, is it?

It's funny because Akechi is..... extremely good at what he does? Not the detective thing, frankly we've had zero indication of his actual intellectual acumen in that arena. But as a double agent, he could be an Ocelot, frankly.

OH MAN THAT'S WHAT HE REMINDS ME OF, HOLY SHIT. Young Revolver Ocelot, Adamska. Oh yeah that's the vibe. Except with worse fashion and much worse hair. About as homosexual though.

ANYWAY AT THE SCHOOL FESTIVAL, THE GANG IS HANGING OUT ALONE AND AKECHI ROLLS UP AND SAYS THIS

"EVERYONE'S ALL HERE"???? lmao he knows and he isn't even being subtle about it anymore

omg and futaba fucking notices it too LMAO THAT'S GREAT i'm so happy it was intentional phrasing, hahaha that's amazing

Anyway, at the guest speaker panel, Makoto is moderating, and uses the opportunity to press Akechi for info about the case.

omg he's just gonna come out and say it

oh my god yes bitch do it, light the rag and chuck that molotov right into this whole trash fire, it can burn so much faster

THIS FUCKING BITCH

he's not as good as Adachi but I gotta say he's pretty fucking good lmao. Every time there's a Beige Alert, you know things are going to be interesting at least.

But also this is the equivalent to putting a gun to the Thieves' head. Love it.

Never play a player, Makoto.

Anyway with that obviously faked phone call, Akechi calls a 10 minute break and asks to see everyone in a private room where he will humbly serve everyone a helping of their own ass, I assume.

[mychemicalrachel]

Rovinsky 37

“Dead on the outside / alive on the inside.”

Send me a ship and number (1-100) for a small fic!

Sometimes Ronan dreamed about Kavinsky the same way he dreamed of Cabeswater. Magical entities both too big to be contained to a physical form. They were not long for this world and so Ronan dreamed; dreaming about them was easier. In his own head, he could feel them in ways they no longer existed in reality.

Reality, Kavinsky told him, was what other people dreamed for him.

Now the reality was this; Cabeswater and Kavinsky both dead. Ronan here, alive and alone.

His dreams didn’t do either of them justice, not when he dreamed like this– like a human instead of a god. There was a staticky film over it all, the kind of disconnect that told Ronan he was sleeping. Not awake, not wandering the astral plane, not dreaming with intent. They were dreams that were simply memories. He was careful to keep it that way, in fear of bringing back a replica of either the forest or the boy he missed so much.

Tonight though, as soon as Ronan slipped into unconsciousness, he could tell there was something different. A charge in the air, electricity in the breeze; he was awake, and he was not. He was somehow somewhere in between.

He wasn’t in Cabeswater like usual, but it was similar. Trees reached out of the ground all around him, towering mountains that seemed too big and too close, a winding creek with deep blue depths and a bottom he could see but knew innately that he could never reach. He didn’t recognize the place, but he recognized the feeling, the magic of it.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

Ronan knew the voice, just as he knew the feeling of the forest, and something like pain surged in his chest because it sounded just like him. Seldom did Ronan’s dreams surprise him anymore. He had control, he had intent, and he had not planned on dreaming of Kavinsky tonight. He wanted to close his eyes and think of something else, anything else, anywhere that wasn’t here. Aglionby, Monmouth, the Barns, St. Agnes. But the scenery around him didn’t change. Kavinsky was there, clearer than any memory, any idea, grinning at Ronan.

“Of all the magical forests in all the towns in all the world, you sleepwalk into mine.”

Ronan just stared, mesmerized. He had long ago accepted that he would never see Kavinsky again, not outside of the memories and fantasies contained in his head. There were often times when Kavinsky didn’t talk at all because the real Kavinsky was unpredictable and sometimes Ronan couldn’t imagine what he might say. This sounded as close to real as Ronan thought his brain would be able to get.

“Hey, fuckface. How’s the connection?” Kavinsky’s fingers snapped in front of Ronan’s face and he flinched. “Can you hear me?”

“You look so real.”

Kavinsky’s lips curled. “All natural, baby.”

God, he sounded so real, too.

“Do you dream about me often?” Kavinsky asked.

Because it was a dream, Ronan admitted, “All the time.”

The answer seemed to please Kavinsky and he came closer. “So which fantasy is this?”

Ronan could smell something like fire, not the typical scent of cigarettes on Kavinsky’s breath, but something more industrial. Burning oil and gasoline. He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about that, Kavinsky standing on the top of his car, the dragon overhead coming closer and closer. He thought of the field of cars, a peek into Kavinsky’s head, lying next to him on the hood of the Mitsubishi, his skin blistering in the sun.

But when he opened his eyes, everything was the same. Except the twinkle of amusement in Kavinsky’s eye.

“I don’t know,” Ronan said. He thought of icicle fireworks and hornets with butterfly wings and the result was the same; nothing. “I can’t change it. I can’t make anything.”

“That’s because you’re not in charge here, darling.” Kavinsky breathed in deep, looking all around. Slowly, the background started to shift. The trees melted away, becoming skyscrapers. The creek flooded and as it reached Ronan’s shoes, it turned to snow. “I am.”

“You’re not real.”

“Fuck you I’m not real. Could a dead person do this?”

Behind Kavinsky, the mountains shifted. Peaks grew wider and wider and taller and taller, stretching out and breaking off into pieces that took flight in the air. The familiar screech of a dragon echoed in the distance. 

“Stop.” Ronan was only mostly certain he actually said it, but the dragons didn’t listen. They screamed and thrashed and fire followed them as they beat their wings higher into the sky. It wasn’t like Ronan’s nightmares. They weren’t trying to hurt him– they stayed far enough away to serve only as a reminder that Ronan was not the one in control.

“You–” Ronan started, “you can’t be real. You’re a dream.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Kavinsky smirked. “Not so bad yourself, Lynch.”

“Fuck, K! You’re not alive! I went to your funeral! I saw you die!”

Kavinsky nodded seriously until Ronan was done talking and then said, “You saw my body die.”

“That’s the same fucking thing.”

“Is it?” Kavinsky turned to look back at his dragons, floating on the horizon. “Death is just the reality of the situation, sweetheart, and you know how I feel about reality.”

Reality is what other people dream for you.

When Ronan found his voice, it was rough and dry. “What are you saying? Are you saying you’re alive?”

“No,” Kavinsky said. “Keep up, dumbass. You saw me die. I’m saying that I’m here.”

“Here,” Ronan repeated. “Where is here?”

“Here,” Kavinsky gestured to the skyscrapers and the snow and the mountain dragons. Here was whatever he decided it could be. “And here–” he tapped two fingers to his temple.

“You’re saying you’re alive in your head,” Ronan said. “Subconsciously?”

“In a dream, I think. In this… dreamspace. It’s been nice fucking around in here, don’t get me wrong. Got some much needed R and R. But, turns out, dreaming isn’t actually all that fun when I can’t bring anything back. That’s where you come in. I need you,” Kavinsky focused back on Ronan, his eyes so alert and real and alive. “I need you to get me out.”

“How?” Ronan asked. There were a lot of things he could ask, but that seemed to be the most important. If it was possible to bring Kavinsky back, then the why and why not were not important. Only how.

“I don’t know,” Kavinsky shrugged. “How should I know? Use your brain, figure it out.”

“Kavinsky–” Ronan started, and stopped. This wasn’t real, it was reality. Kavinsky was dead, he was alive. He was dreaming, he was awake.

“You’re the only person who can help me,” Kavinsky said. When he stepped closer again, it was more than burning oil and gasoline. It was Kavinsky, everything about him that Ronan had somehow managed to forget. He was as real as ever, his touch warm and solid as he slid his hand into Ronan’s. “I’m out here. Come and find me.”

When he kissed Ronan, the press of his mouth was unfamiliar. Something Ronan didn’t think he could imagine if he tried. Something he never wanted to forget.

When he woke up, a pair of white sunglasses was gripped in his hand. They weren’t the first pair of sunglasses he’d brought back, an entire drawer of them was evidence of that and evidence of the fact that no matter how many times he tried, he could never get them just right. He could never get the right color, the right shape, the obscure design on the earpiece. But these– these were perfect down to the very last detail.

Ronan’s heart seized. He didn’t want to hope because what if he was wrong? He couldn’t get his hopes up just to lose Kavinsky again.

But… What if he was right?

What if Kavinsky was still out there, trapped in some dream limbo, unable to find his way back to the living?

Ronan remembered the first time he tried to dream a copy of these sunglasses; how he’d studied the way they fit over Kavinsky’s long nose, how he could barely see Kavinsky’s eyes behind the black lenses, how he’d focused so hard–

He hadn’t even been thinking of the sunglasses tonight.

Kavinsky’s kiss still burned on his lips, something he had never had the chance to feel when K was alive. It was so real.

Come and find me, he’d said.

Ronan didn't even know where to start, but he tossed the blankets off and got up.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1999 We’re at the hotel now and Tom went to bed a little while ago after negotiating a deal with fuckface Steven over our washer/dryer. We’d prefer to settle on a reasonable price rather than have to sue, but if that’s what they force us to do, we’ll do it. It wouldn’t be the first time people made us do something we’d rather not. Always there’s someone, no matter where I go, fucking up and interfering with my life! Am I ever going to be allowed to live without others controlling my life? And I totally resent God too, for sitting back and allowing this to happen. It’s nice that he connected us with Dennis and his trailer, but other than that, he’s been of no help to us as we’ve been dragged through the mud. What does he care that we haven’t had a home or a stable, normal life with some structure and routine? What does he care about all our mental anguish? Or about the fact that we’ve got to make house payments and hotel payments and we owe Dennis $1,200? Tom’s still being way too overly optimistic. He says we’ll be in the house next week for sure. No, we won’t. They’ll only be more problems, delays, excuses, lies, incompetence, and plain old cockish stupidity. If we’d had women running the show, the bulk of this would’ve been done right and on time, if not very close to it.

The fucking inspector, who works for the county/state, wouldn’t even inspect yesterday, even though he did show up. Thanks to the people who never told us in the first place, we found out we had to make some preparations before he could inspect. Someone had to come out to remove most of the skirting, for example. Now they say they’ll re-inspect Monday, but so what if they do? They’ll only find more problems to complain about and tell us what we’ve got to do first. Then we can be stalled some more.

We’re now at the point where everyone involved has fucked up. Of course, though, Brian and Gravity haven’t fucked up nearly as much as Steven and Dan. Fucking, motherfucking cocks! I am such a sexist and I always will be! I fucking hate males! Sure, there are some stupid women out there, but there’s no comparison between females and males, except for a few guys like Tom. Females are way smarter. They know more, learn better and faster, and retain info well.

I had a bad vibe as soon as we got here and to the room but hopefully, it’ll be a false alarm. If God has any compassion for us, he’ll leave us alone with other people’s noise. All we’ve heard so far was a loud door slam once or twice. Really, though, I don’t need other people’s noise and shit on top of the people who are already shitting on us.

Yesterday, we decided to go see Ma, Mary and Dave, and they were kind enough to put their dog out back. Even Dave said he’s getting sick of Pepper. Pepper’s been getting into all kinds of things. Maybe that’s why he was in the Humane Society.

Dave was his usual teasing, humorous self.

Ma was with it, but man is she shaky! She had her forearms resting across her stomach and would have occasional spurts where she’d slap herself she was so full of tremors. What an inhumane, awful way to live! Yeah God is good. God is really good.

We received more gifts than we expected. We thought we were getting gifts only from Mom, Mary and Dave, but nope. We got more!

Mom got me a facial skincare massager and Tom a super cool screwdriver with a handle that allows for better leverage. Mary got me one of those little musical dolls that are 8” sitting (identical to my other two) and Tom a computer game. Ray and Nora got us four beautiful puzzles. They’re each 1000 pieces, so the table I plan on getting will be great for it. Jackie and Jim got us a Christmas card holder which would take us 20 years to fill. Carol and Steven got us treats - cookies, dried fruit, nuts, etc. David and Evie got us caramel popcorn, and of course, like always, even had to enclose a picture. Her and her pictures! It was a nice one, though, taken in San Diego with Ma, David, Evie and her kids, Carol, Steven, and Matthew.

We also got that money I said we were getting and I spent $75 of it after we left at Wal-Mart.

I got a tier/valance set and put the valance in the kitchen and the tier in the guest room. I got swags for the bedroom. Now all I have to do is get something for the living room.

All these window treatments are white or ivory. I wanted neutral colors where furniture and bedding of any kind are to be so they wouldn’t clash with it

For the first time I’ve ever seen before, especially at a place like a department store, they had boxes of porcelain doll clothes. I got Anne a pretty pink dress with a few scattered rosebuds. To replace her hideous, old-fashioned dress with small clusters of flowers on a dark blue background.

Lastly, I got a gorgeous Peruvian Barbie with the most realistic face I’d ever seen on a Barbie. She has a very pleasant face with long dark braids. She’s dressed in colorful Peruvian attire right down to her sandals. Debbie makes for a great variety of these little musical dolls (she plays an old 50s song I never heard of). Melanie has brown hair, Stephanie has auburn, and Debbie’s blond. Melanie has green eyes, Stephanie’s are blue, and Debbie’s are brown. I wonder why she has a name and the others don’t? Anyway, she’s a nice-looking doll in an ivory satin dress with gold accents. She has a matching ribbon for a headband.

I decided to wait for the new headphones, to get the CD-changer when we can and not get a big Barbie. I think she’d look really tacky. Especially after seeing a large Barbie head in the store (so you could do her hair).

Tom slept on and off from the time he came home this morning. He fired the generator for a while so I could type, then later I drove the car from the house to the trailer, while he hauled the generator back. He had parked by the house when he got in cuz he didn’t know if I’d be up. I hope to sleep well tonight, cuz there’s no way I’m gonna be able to sleep in on New Year’s Day. Not with all the gunfire, and also, I’m sure New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day will be filled with lots of music. It fucking figures New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day has to come before I could be in the insulated house, sleeping with the fan.

Anyway, this will probably be the very last time I write in the 1900s. Till the next century!

Later…

Well, I guess it isn’t the last time I write this century, after all. Tom and his fucking colds! One after another after another. I’m sick of it! I knew it, too. Mom and Mary had colds when we saw them yesterday, and I knew he’d catch it. He says it’s not possible to have caught it from them so fast and that he probably caught it from someone at work. I disagree. It only takes a day, but for him, five minutes is enough! He blames it on lack of sleep, but whether or not that’s a factor, just knowing he’s gonna have ten colds a year for the rest of his life really bums me out. It bums me out for him and me, cuz I still have to deal with it, too. I may rarely get colds, but I’ve had enough to know how cranky they make you. He’s as hexed in the department of colds as I used to be. That isn’t gonna change anytime soon. Nothing about him will change upon getting into the house. Not his eating habits. Not his lack of sleep. Not his trashing. Not his busyness. Not his lack of interest in sex/cumming.

Anyway, now that I’m done bitching, I’ll probably return to reading. He’s in the shower now, getting ready for work. Guess I’ll also do a little singing once he leaves, too. Teresa wasn’t working tonight. She said her days off vary.

I never saw Tracy tonight, but her car’s still here. Her husband owns a sign-making company. They have their own company, a house, and can pay all this hotel money, so why don’t they get a nicer car than the beat-up piece of shit they have?

Tom’s so sure that we’ll be in the house next week and that next Sunday, Tuesday, or Thursday will be our last hotel stay. Yeah, right! That’s not what my logic or gut feeling tells me. I don’t know what I feel anymore. All I know is that I can’t believe a damn thing I hear from anyone and that I need to always assume the worst and be a pessimist. It helps lessen the feeling of disappointment when things don’t work out. The house is like one big dead person we’ve been trying to bring to life. It’s like electricity is its heartbeat and water is its lungs breathing. Will this house ever come alive?!?!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1999 At the hotel…

We arrived at the hotel and got a third-floor room like we’ve been doing lately.

The last time, I forgot to pack the sneakers Tom works in and since he didn’t want to go to work in sandals, he bought new sneakers before work that night, which was Sunday night. He was due for a new pair anyway. Now he can use his old, smelly, beat-up pair for outdoor activities.

After we checked in this evening, I ran down to wash his work pants. Luckily, Tracy wasn’t using the machines. One of her daughters saw me and said hi. Last Sunday I saw Tracy by her room down the end of the first-floor hall and ran to ask her how much longer she planned on using the dryer (Teresa told me it was she who was using it, which I had guessed). She was glad to see me and was on her way out with a friend for pizza. She offered me some popcorn and I told her we didn’t have a room with a microwave this time and needed to cut the snacks down to lose 20 pounds.

“Where, girl?” she asked.

It was kind of amusing to think about how she and Teresa think I look fine. I bet I do to them. These are gigantic women, so I’m sure I do look fine in their eyes.

Anyway, I helped her daughters Sierra and Desiree gather up the clothes that were in the dryer (they’re about 6-8 years old) and I put a bracelet on for Desiree she was having trouble getting on.

Teresa had a headache so I brought her some ibuprofen.

I took a chance and had us eat at Denny’s earlier cuz I wanted something different. Luckily, it was quiet, but I’m not gonna push my luck, that’s for sure.

Dieting without something like prune juice is a hopeless waste of time, cuz whenever I try to diet, I get stuck. The lack of food gets made up for cuz my body just hangs onto everything it gets, so there’s no use in struggling to keep food out when my body just struggles to keep it in. Kind of defeats the purpose. I’ll never lose weight and be thin again, anyhow, which has been more than obvious for 2-3 years now, so what the fuck, huh? My only worry is - how much more weight will I gain before we get in the house? I’m nearly 130 pounds now. Will I be nearly 140 when we move in? 150? Dan, you fucking cock, I could kill you! You fucking motherfucker! You really controlled, delayed, and fucked up our lives! I can’t work out on an exercise machine cuz of this cock, I can’t begin my story, sleep in my own bed, or live my own fucking life! Oh, the money, time, and hassles he’s cost us!

Tom and I made a deal. That I’d send letters to Steven and Dan giving them a piece of my mind, rather than going and beating the shit out of them when we’re in the house. He worries I’ll go overboard with how mad I am and kill the cock. Fine. I’d be happy to drop them a line.

We went to Casa Grande yesterday to get refills on my inhalers. For a couple of bucks, I got a gorgeous souvenir ruler. It has several beautiful pictures of various places in Arizona, like the Grand Canyon, Sedona, etc. It sure beats my old plain, boring wooden ruler I’d had for seemingly half my life.

I forgot to mention the comment Tom made when we screwed in the house on Christmas day. “I did all I wanted to do,” he said. So he does have control over his actions. I always knew he did, but what I can’t understand to this day is how he can stand to be the way he is. How can he stand not relieving his excitement? How could anyone? Now that’s major self-control. Also, it’s almost like he’s just dying to prove me more and more right each time we screw about how I say he’s always got a problem. It’s like he’s saying, “Yup, you’re right. I’ll always have an excuse when we screw.” I swear, his turning me off is what turns him on. Well, we’ve all got to get our satisfaction somehow, huh?

The computer, which has really helped occupy my mind and time, was fun for both of us today. We played miniature golf against each other. He won one game, but for the first time in my life, after never beating anyone at miniature golf whether it was on a computer or not, I beat him.

Brian, our favorite, came out with his son to do a little work. We were supposed to have an inspection today, but as usual, no one showed up for that. We were chatting with one of the well drillers right before we both headed out. The only kind one that may have some brains and that may be somewhat honest. We’re now at 700’ and still no water. Dan’s been sick, he says, and I was making little comments about how glad I was to hear he was sick, then Tom told me afterward that that was Dan’s son. Well, I didn’t know. He doesn’t look like Dan any more than Brian’s son looks like him, but that’s not a surprise. A good 80% of the time kids look more like their mothers. I resemble both my parents, and unfortunately, God picked out each one’s worst features to give to me. I’ve got my dad’s long chin and little hole of a mouth, and my mom’s lousy shape.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1999 I’m in the trailer for the night and Tom’s asleep in the house till he has to get up for work.

The well drillers were out today. They arrived right before we did and found the rig’s battery dead, so Tom jumped it.

Again, I’m not kidding when I say that something does not want us to live here. They drilled down to 660’ and still no water. I guess the only reason they hit water at 545’ was simply that they hit an isolated pocket of water. I feel so fucking teased with this house! First, something up there had to tease me with when the house would even get here, then I had to miss out on seeing the house arrive, and now this!

I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that my life on the road is going to exist for a while longer. I see no end in sight too soon. And I once wanted to be a traveling singer! Ugh! The only sense of normalcy and my old life I’m getting is during all the hours I’m spending on the computer. I’ve already typed up the first page.

Sunday morning wasn’t very pleasant here. I woke up at 6:00 to go pee and spoke to Tom after I heard him rummaging around in the car. I had just fallen back asleep when every Goddamn dog within a ten-mile radius decided to go off, and our local cocks decided to get trigger-happy. I hate these weekend shoot-outs. The dogs are barely audible in the house, but the gunfire isn’t, and I’m not gonna get any sleep in my own home on weekends! I could if I slept with the box fan, but I don’t want to sleep with that particular fan. I want to sleep with the other one. I hate being controlled in my own home by strangers, and I refuse to be. I don’t even know these people and I’ll be damned if I’m forced to accommodate these assholes. After all the shit we went through and are still going through to live here, I’ll kill anyone who tangles with me out here.

I spoke to a certain black bitch that tangled with me once upon a time in Phoenix. I got her number from the computer and was surprised to find her even available. I thought she’d be out of town.

Anyway, she answered, and I started off by asking if she got my mail. I didn’t get the reaction I expected, so I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I mean, I expected her to go off on me instantly. Not act like she didn’t have a clue about it, but hey, there are no guarantees that she ever did get my mail. I’m still hoping that she did and was just caught off guard by my call.

So then I asked if she knew who I was and she said no. My next question brought an instant hung-up, rather than the fit I thought she’d fly right into. I asked if she got any mail from an old neighbor. Then I called back and got her machine, as I hoped to at that point, and told her just what I thought of her. After a few minutes, I made another call where she hung right up, then my last call where I left my final piece of mind on her machine.

It’s a damn good thing I didn’t call all night long too, over and over, cuz it was a long-distance call and I didn’t even know it till Tom asked me about it (it was on the hotel receipt)! I denied knowing anything about it and he told the front desk we never made the call which they “say” they’ll remove.

I didn’t know it was long distance cuz of this screwy new system they’ve got where Phoenix now has a zillion area codes. Sometimes you don’t know if it’s long-distance cuz for both local calls and long-distance you have to dial the area code before the number. They needed to create 10-digit numbers cuz they ran out of numbers.

We got everything out of mini storage yesterday, so now we have nothing stored anywhere.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1999 Today was a great day. Save for a few scattered dogs in the distance, it was a quieter Christmas than I expected. No voices, no gunfire, no music. Till 8:00. Yeah, I heard distant bass rumbling off towards where all the lights are for about 15 minutes, but fortunately, it was too soft to be heard in the house. I could only hear it in the trailer. I think it was coming from the same place last week’s music came from.

New Year’s Eve is probably gonna be noisier than in the city. It’s tradition, especially in Arizona, to shoot guns at midnight. Well, if they do it in the city where it’s not allowed, I can only imagine how much they’ll do it out here in this rural area where it is allowed.

I was surprised at how many cars I heard driving by last night. Maybe not down Ralston or Meadow Green, but near enough. Right before midnight, the gray dumpy car that lives at the furthest rental drove down Ralston by the house, then turned onto Meadow Green, then in front of their place. That’s the second time I’ve seen them come in really late. Maybe someone there works a 3-11 shift.

Shockingly, there’s still no one in the closer house in back, nor has George brought in any new trailers or houses.

Although it was cold, in the 50s, I survived sleeping with the thermostat just below 60º. Tom said that hardly any propane got used last night. Tonight, though, I’m gonna keep it at just under 65º, although I prefer 70º. I just don’t want to risk running out at 3 AM. I could sleep without any heat at all, but I’d rather have at least a little.

Why are we so fucking hexed with toilets? Toilets and cars! First the valve wasn’t closing all the way so we couldn’t fill the toilet with water to take a dump, then the toilet paper got jammed up so no more would fit down the hole. It certainly wasn’t full, so our tipping the trailer the other day trying to move it must’ve caused it all to settle in one spot. I just hammed the toilet paper down with the end of the fly swatter, so hopefully it’ll be OK for a while.

I haven’t been setting alarms for a few weeks now. I seem to naturally wake up between 8:00 and 10:00.

When I got up today, I brought food and water over to the animals, who are now in the house.

We dragged the generator over to the house to run the portable heater to heat the bedroom, where we had boring, predictable sex. The only surprise to it was that it didn’t hurt like I expected it to. Good, so when we screw again in 2-4 weeks, I’ll know not to worry. Other than that, the excuses came again. This time it was the cramp-in-the-side excuse.

I steamed some dolls’ dresses and hair, but what really made the day was that I got to use the computer! Oh, it felt so good! I missed it! I was surprised not to have forgotten anything, like how to download pictures, which I did, and my typing hasn’t slowed down a bit.

I typed 7 pages (nearly half of my first trailer journal) and retrieved Joebitch’s number. The one she got when she moved. I’d love to call her from the hotel to hear her reaction to hearing from me and to see if I can confirm she got my mail, but unless the bitch has changed habits, she’s out of town till after New Year’s. However, if there’s any good to us being delayed from getting in the house, it’s that we’ll still be playing hotel when she gets back.

Speaking of that black and a certain pack of Mexicans, I wonder if part of the shit we’re going through trying to get in our own home is part of God’s punishment for my mail to those people and for dumping Andy. I think it’s mostly cuz we left the city, though, and to compensate us for getting such a nice house. Well, feel we deserve and earned this place, and if something up there doesn’t think so - tough.

Because we brought over the 2 big boxes my computer and monitor were in from the trailer to the house, we were able to fold the bed back into a couch that’s in the front of the trailer. It sure makes the place look bigger. I swept and vacuumed the trailer today.

It was good to take a day off from going out. I needed it. Tom made a trip to Maricopa, though, for gas and my favorite coffee.

Tom told me that many years ago, for about a year or more, all he had to eat every day was a ham and cheese sandwich, fries, and a shake. He got this at a drive-through every morning before work and kept no food in his house. I asked why and he said it was just a habit. I wish I could get myself into the “habit” of only having one meal a day, but I’m such a wimp. I can never get used to the hunger no matter how long I diet.

Around 7:00 I fired down my computer and he fired down the generator. He went to bed in the house and I came here to the trailer. I’m gonna go do another round of singing.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1999 In the trailer…

Tom went to crash in the house where the animals are now.

I just heard the strangest thing I ever heard around here. I was sitting on the bed relaxing with some cocoa when I heard a voice. It certainly wasn’t loud enough to make out, but when I stepped outside, I heard a male voice say, “Go to hell, go to hell,” in the utmost terrifying voice. I think it was from next door. They said it with such fear that if they were just joking, they’re a damn good actor. I also heard a dog that sounded too close for comfort, bark a few times. The only other sound I hear right now is some engine revving up, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. It sounds a lot like a big tractor a few miles away, but it’s probably a truck next door.

I expect it to sound a bit city-like tomorrow for Christmas. Some voices, gunfire, and music oughta be heard. I’m surprised I haven’t heard any music yet tonight, but it’s still early. The music I heard last Friday didn’t start till close to 10:00.

I still hear that engine and am beginning to think it’s a farming vehicle of some kind (you’d be surprised at how much work they do at night). cuz I can’t imagine why next door, or any other neighbors, would sit and run their vehicles. It’s not idling. Whatever it is, they’re gunning its engine periodically.

Anyway, to sweep through the day - we went to Whataburger after checking out and I’ve really had it with them. They take forever, they fuck up our orders, and I’ve had enough. I don’t want to go back to noisy restaurants with shitty service either, so I’ll just grab something from Circle K. People are just too stupid!

Then, it was off to mini storage to load up with more stuff. I made a plant hanger out of silver chains and hair elastics for my pink floral plant that was here all along in the big box in which my monitor is. I hung it on Tweety’s old stand. Once the house is all set up, I’ll thoroughly describe each room.

Our last stops were to the grocery store and Circle K for my coffee.

Upon arriving home at 1:30, we were both majorly shocked to see the well drillers here, who had just arrived too, and were setting up to pull all the casing out.

Then it hit me… they’re here cuz they want us to think they’re finally gonna get their asses in gear and finish the job right for once and for all. The fact is, though, that after today, we’re gonna have to wait God knows how many weeks to get them back, but hey, their rig’s here. I’ll sabotage it on top of everything else I’m gonna do to them (and Steven).

With no success, we tried moving the trailer by the house by chaining it to a crowbar that we chained to the frame of the car, but amazingly, all it did was break the crowbar right in half.

Since we only have enough propane for one night rather than the two we plan on being here for. I’m trying to go as long as I can with no heat. To help with that, I swapped in my blanket for a down comforter, and am gonna sleep with my pants on, as well as the sweatshirt and socks I’ve been sleeping in.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1999 Tom and I are at the hotel now, and boy are we pissed, frustrated and depressed! It’s an understatement to say we are really really cursed! Something does not want us to live in that house. I knew God was gonna make us pay for leaving Phoenix and the Mexicans but like this? This is overkill. He’s really taking it to the extreme.

Today was such a mix of emotions. Not only was the fear of God in me but so was everything from tears of frustration and depression to a red-hot boiling rage.

Scared the shit out of Dan today. Everyone’s pissed off at Dan and Steven. Both Dan and Steven’s careers are over cuz I also intend to sabotage their so-called business and have their licenses pulled. I gave Dan a piece of my mind from A to Z, and according to Tom, even he said I had every right to be upset later on when I ran into the trailer to cry, bitch, and cuss.

After Tom called at 10:30 complaining about how they “promised” to be at our place and done with the well by 10:00, the fucking cocks finally decided to show up at 1:00. Tom was asleep in the house when they pulled in and I hopped out of the trailer and approached the driver. I asked if he was Dan and he nodded. Then I firmly said, “I want the well done today. No more delays.”

He looked terrified, although his partner, a cock I’ve never seen before, found it to be quite funny by the amused look on his face. So Dan says it’ll be done, then proceeds to set to work on the well. Then Gravity, who’s turned out to be one of the more reliable guys we’ve dealt with so far (along with Brian. Although I wish he’d finished caulking nails that are visible), shows up and digs two trenches. One running along the back of the house to the well for water pipes, then one running along the front of the house to the well for the electricity. We had no idea he was gonna dig a trench in front. His cowboy buddy was with him. They both sympathize with what we’re going through as far as Dan and Steven go, and Gravity said that yes, Hilda was really fired. He said he’d have quit if she weren’t.

Anyway, Dan is such an incompetent little fuck. Before he even tested to see if the well had dried up, he and his assistant put the pump, threaded pipe, and wire down the well. And the stupid fuck never had enough pipe to begin with, cuz his math is worse than mine. He said he went down 526’ but the fucking thing’s 550’ deep (which should’ve been deeper). So the shit runs the pump, gets no water, has to pull everything back up, then tells us the well’s dried up and he sees it all the time. Then if he’s seen this before, the stupid fuck should’ve known better than to have those other guys only drill to 550’ and he should’ve checked for water before going through all this shit and wasting more time. Now the retarded fuck is saying they’ll come back and drill deeper and it’ll be done and operable by next Thursday. Oh, bull fucking shit it will be, and as I told him, he’s already looking at not getting paid. And I’ll be so pissed if Tom pays the January house payment, cuz I’m not paying for anything I’m not living in. They wouldn’t pay these assholes’ bills for not being done yet, so why should we have to pay for a house we’re not able to live in? That ain’t fair.

There’s no fucking excuse for this. We should’ve been living in that house 6-8 weeks ago. These people are turning my dream into a nightmare, and I’m gonna be their worst nightmare! Just as soon as we get in that house, so help me God! I’m fucking sick and tired of people lying to me and fucking up my life and getting in the way of the things I want to do. It’s one thing to have God running my life and making all my decisions for me, but another to have people doing it, too.

I’m scared. I’m really scared. I know it’s gonna be one problem after another as the “price” we have to pay for leaving the city. But why?!?! Why?!?! Why should we have to be punished in order to have something we want in life? We worked hard for this. We earned it. We deserve it. What? Can only lazy blacks or Mexicans be given anything for nothing?

If these stupid shits don’t want to do the work for us, why don’t they just say so? Why the bullshit excuses and stories? Tom let the loan people know we’re way past ready to fire these people and hire new people, but if we do, will they be any more reliable and competent?

Teresa isn’t working tonight, and I’m kind of glad she isn’t cuz I’d be lousy company. I’m all bummed out and I may only bring her down, too.

After we got here and showered, he called Mary and we both cried on her shoulder. It felt good and I could really hug her for being so positive, cheerful, supportive, and understanding. She really felt for us.

She mentioned a Christmas gift for me and from what I understood, she and Ma picked it out together. I guess they debated about which one would be best for me, but as I told her, whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it. Tom and I doubt it’s a doll. We think it’s clothes of some kind. I kind of hope not, cuz I don’t think anything they could get would fit. Not if they’re buying something for a 110-pound person to wear who’s really close to 130 pounds.

Before anyone came out to our place, all by myself, I put Tom’s free chair together and then he broke it. We were having trouble snapping the wheels in and he put so much force on it that the plastic we glued it, but I don’t expect it’ll stay put for long.

The directions the chair came with were actually written in clear, blunt English. No wordy shit, no dancing around the subject.

What I’ve already written about wasn’t our only problem. Something’s really out to get us good. We’re gonna have no more free time than we used to in Phoenix.

The fucking trailer toilet is fucked up now so you can’t fill it up with water. Another thing we have to deal with. As if we don’t already have more than enough to do.

Also, the headphones for my portable CD player have a short in its wire, so now I’ve gotta get new headphones. I have a couple of other pairs, but one’s too uncomfortable and the other’s jack is the wrong size and I don’t know where my adapters are at the moment.

I also let Mary know I was sorry I couldn’t make up those calendars for Christmas as I’d originally intended to do, and she understood.

She also said things like how she wanted to see the house when it was done, we’d be very happy and things would work out, and this will only make me stronger so I’m a pioneer woman when this is over. Well, if I haven’t been a pioneer since I was about five, I never will be. I feel the opposite. I feel like all the shit I went through at home with my parents, then at the places and apartments I was in, along with living with the blacks and Mexicans, has made me smarter and more experienced, but weaker, nonetheless. I feel like each crisis just breaks me even more.

To make an already shitty situation even shittier, it was so incredibly windy today that the dust Gravity and his tractor were kicking up was horrendous. We had to shout to hear each other, and dust was getting in my eyes and hair.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1999 In the trailer…

That’s the second time I’ve seen one of the trucks next door by the shacks. The first time, a cock was there during the day. He was telling their dark, medium-size dog to “go home.” As in to go up to the house. After he was done doing whatever it was he was doing at the shacks, he drove around the corner and on up to the house.

Someone was there again just now. I could hear the truck engine and see taillights. There was once electricity running to these shacks, and there’s still a phone wired to it. Rumor has it that some old people, presumably the older woman’s parents, used to live in these shacks before they died, but I don’t see how they could have. They’re barely five feet by five feet.

They’re so old and ugly-looking. They’re leaning slightly to one side and their windows are smashed. Fortunately, this should keep the kid from playing around them, cuz that’d be dangerous. They’re right on the corner of their property, which I thought was illegal. I thought you couldn’t have any building of any kind closer than 25’ to the edge of your property.

Maybe they’re using them for storage. I just hope that if they’re not gonna tear them down, they never restore them. I don’t want them that close to me, despite how quiet they’ve been.

Anyway, I’m here hanging out in the trailer and Tom’s asleep in the house.

These fucking cocks keep fucking us over with more bullshit lies and excuses, but now my vibes make perfect sense. As I said, I had a good vibe for the 23rd, which is tomorrow, but I also felt a bad vibe kick in two days ago. I had thought the good vibe was cuz of the two dolls I got today, but we’ll find that out for sure tomorrow. The bad vibe was cuz the fucking well people didn’t finish the job they were supposed to finish today, the lazy lying, mother-fuckers! I kept telling Tom for these last two days that they wouldn’t be out today, even though he insisted I’d be wrong.

Today’s excuse from the well driller was that he couldn’t get any workers today. Bull fucking shit! Steven told Tom that he spoke to Dan, the cock who’s holding up this final part of the well, and Dan swears the well will be done by 10 AM tomorrow and that he’ll bring his wife out to help if he has to. Even Steven said he’d come out and help. Like that stupid, worthless piece of shit would know anything about wells, yeah right! Then we got Gravity swearing he’ll come running right out to finish his job as soon as Dan gets his lazy ass out. Then we gotta wait for an inspection, and for APS to give us a meter box.

Well, it’s all bullshit. All fucking bullshit. No one will show up tomorrow and tomorrow’s excuse will be that he couldn’t get any vehicles running in order to get out here, or some lame, bullshit excuse like that. I can’t believe a damn thing anyone says! My life has been based on nothing but lies. All people want to do is talk. Everything’s all talk and no action.

I made a deal with Tom. We did it his way with the Mexicans and the blacks. I never laid a hand on them. But this cock’s mine. If he does come out tomorrow, fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut and my fists to myself, but he’s not allowed to leave this property till his job’s complete. If he doesn’t come out by Christmas, he’s at my mercy, and I swear, I’ll be his worst nightmare! I’ll fucking beat the cock beyond recognition. Nobody fucks me out of thousands of dollars and gets away with it. Even if I could win in court, I’m not gonna use the courts to fight my battles for me, which would cost more money and take forever. I can’t beat the money we’re lost to hotels out of this cock, but I can beat him so he suffers and so he really has an excuse to not work for a while.

Tom and I were checking out the well the other day, which is only a 550’ long pipe in the ground at this point. They covered it with a bucket and when we picked it up, you could hear the fine pieces of rock trickling down it that slipped down when we removed the bucket. Sound really gets funneled well in such a narrow space. I threw a stone down, a small quartz rock, actually, and it sounded weird. It not only seemed to make a wind sound going down, but you could also hear it hitting the sides of the pipe as it went down. I heard it hit water with a splat that echoed. It must’ve taken at least ten seconds to get down there.

Why is the dirt out here so powdery and why are there no rocks out here? Tom and I have been asking these questions, and if we can ever get back online one of these years, we’ll research this topic. I thought I once heard that the Grand Canyon was once an ocean, but Tom never heard that. He never heard what a co-worker told him either, which was that this was an ocean millions of years ago. Well, the powdery, dusty, rockless dirt supports that theory, but why aren’t there any fossilized bones of the sea life from back then? I know land can change drastically over lots of time, but it’s hard to understand how a desert could’ve once been a swampy or tropical area.

Scuttles is almost as big as Ratsy is now.

I accidentally scared poor Teresa last night. I came up to the desk and asked if she believed in psychics and she stiffened right up. After a few seconds of hesitation, she said yes. Then I told her I had a bad vibe that they weren’t gonna show up tomorrow (today) and proceeded to explain when she suddenly breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Oh, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you were talking about having a bad vibe for me.”

Got two new dolls today at the grocery store. They’re 17” and from the same company I got Shauna and Meagan from. They were marked down from $20 each to $10 each, as I told Tom I thought they’d be. It’s hard to believe these two dolls together cost half of what Anne costs alone.

Nakita has reddish-brown hair and grayish eyes. I guess some might call her hair auburn. She wears a beautiful dress with shimmering gold and gold beads. She even has gold beads on her shoes.

Selena has blond hair and brown eyes and wears a white dress with pink tulips across the chest.

Their hair was styled the same, with looped braids. It’s where you put the hair in two ponytails, then separate three sections of hair on each side and braid them. Then you hook the ends of the braids up by the rubber band holding the ponytails. I never particularly cared for this hairstyle so I redid their hair. I put Selena’s in a high-pitched ponytail and started to make one braid for Nakita, but because her hair was uneven, loose pieces stuck out along the braid. Instead, I took those shorter pieces which were at the sides, and pulled them back with a gold barrette. Her hair’s long! To her feet.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1999 At the hotel…

I’m getting sicker and sicker of unreliable people! Why can’t anyone finish what they start? The stupid shits drill the well, and now they’re not gonna finish it till tomorrow! Or so they say.

I had a good vibe for the 20th, but all that happened then was they came and got their rig. Big deal, huh? Although he says it was a good thing cuz he had been worried they were gonna be stuck in all the mud they created, I was never worried.

I also had a good vibe for tomorrow, but logic, plus people’s work patterns, tells me we can forget about getting in by Christmas and count on not being in till around January 10-15.

As soon as we arrived home yesterday, I knew, I just knew things weren’t gonna work out. Immediately I knew our two-week wait just got jacked up to about four weeks.

What really burns me up is that these people can fuck us over and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it short of killing them. We don’t have a case in court since contracts, as I’ve learned, mean absolutely nothing around here. They can put it in writing all they want that they have until December 1st or December 24th to finish up, but it’s bullshit! All bullshit! No one keeps their word, no one does shit, and no one gives a shit that we have to live with the hassles and expense of bouncing between the trailer and hotel. They can promise, they can write, they can threaten each other, but it’s all a bunch of bull fucking shit! None of these contractors will ever get sued or fired by anyone, we won’t get a discount for all these lazy, needless delays, and we’re gonna be losing thousands of dollars on account of these cocks. Aaaaarrrrggggghh!!! I want to kill these people sooo fucking bad!

I should’ve known something was up as soon as the house sold as fast as it did and as soon as we got that incredible offer. I should’ve known God had a reason for it. Of course he had the house sell fast at such a phenomenal price; he knew we’d need the money and that it’d take forever to get in the house. This was his first of many compensations to come, too. He won’t be finished with us when we do get in the house. No way. He’s gonna make us not only pay dearly for this big, nice new house, he’s gonna punish me for leaving the city. He wanted me to be a city girl. He wanted me in the city and he wanted me to listen to those Mexicans next door. But because I refused to stay in the noisy, crowded city filled with freeloaders, I have to pay for it. The question is what’s he gonna do when we do move in? Fuck up the house? Have us get sick or injured?

God, if it’s you who’s been cursing us, leave us alone! If it’s not you, then leave us alone whoever or whatever you are!

Later…

Must be a Mexican close by. Yeah, I heard a car stereo thumping.

Last night I crashed earlier than usual cuz I was so beat. That pain I get at half-time every so often was back again to bug me, so maybe that was draining me. For the first time ever on the land, I awoke before sunrise.

I ended up speaking more with Teresa and Tracy, the black lady, but mainly Tracy, last Sunday night. We mostly talked about my having braces/retainers, and why she’s interested in getting them for herself, beats me. Her teeth are already straight.

Teresa brought in cookies she baked for the guests and they were delicious. She has her younger brother Joey here with her tonight. Last Sunday her two sisters stood over. I wonder why they stay at the hotel.

We’re in the same room we were in last time - room 330 with a king bed and micro/fridge. Last time, on a hunch, I called the room directly below me to see if Teresa’s sister was in it, and sure enough, she was. A young girl answered and in a disguised voice, I asked if she was Teresa’s sister. Yeah, she said, and I hung up.

Tom’s mom is giving us quite a generous Christmas gift. As Tom said, if he understood her right, we’re each getting a wrapped gift, $100 for each of us, and $250 for us both. Neat, huh? Can’t wait to get in that house and get our new exercise machine, even if that means my big Barbie, CD-changer, new headphones, and cactus napkin holder have to wait.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1999 At the hotel…

Arrived at 3:00 after doing things around the house. We both slept till 10:30. My schedule’s slipping! It’s still too soon to not take any Melatonin and allow my schedule to naturally go wherever it wants to.

I did laundry as soon as we got here, and again the hotel ran out of quarters. A black woman, who was sitting in the lobby with her three kids, and who had been chatting with Teresa, gave me quarters for my dollar bill.

Tom mentioned seeing a black family leave every day for a while in a beat-up car. I think these are the same people cuz we got to talking, and they too, are having a home built. Theirs is being built on-site, though, here in Chandler, but why they couldn’t stay where they were till the house was done beats me cuz they’re not coming from out of the area. They’re from Chandler.

We were talking about our rooms, and I made a comment about it being too bad that the vending machine was out of popcorn, since we’ve got a microwave, and she said they had some and sent her son to fetch me a bag. How nice of her. I offered something in exchange for it, but she shrugged my offer off.

I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to Teresa yet, but two of her sisters were here, and my God! They don’t look like sisters at all! Just like Tammy and I don’t look like sisters, Teresa and her sisters are like night and day. Where Teresa is quite hefty, her sisters are as skinny as a coat of paint. There’s only a slight resemblance in the face.

Got a couple of really nice calendars, although I still plan on making my own too, with the thick paper I just got. One of the ones I got has pictures of the desert in bloom, and the other has cats. The cat ones have a little cat picture for each day, rather than one big picture for each month.

Not much else to tell right now. Guess I’ll do some reading. And hope to hell this week goes well. I sure as hell hope to have a better idea of just where we stand by the time the week’s out, or even by Wednesday. Just please God - let our well be completed with its pump tomorrow, and then please let Gravity and APS finish their jobs!!!

Another thing I wonder and even worry about is how long after we move in will it be before we get a washer/dryer and the exercise machine?

Just let things work out for a change!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1999 Never again will I go out on weekends! Especially when it’s so close to Christmas. The traffic and crowds were horrendous! At least something good came out of it - a new computer desk! It’s a great 3-piece deal for just $150. We thought I’d have to spend a good $250 or so on anything decent.

Let me go in order of events, though. I slept till around 10:00 today, then we were off to the grocery store for a few non-perishable items, then to Staples. This Staples didn’t have this model in whitewash, so the guy called another Staples 15 minutes away and had one reserved for us. The first Staples was offering a free chair with that model. I told Tom I’d still settle for light brown so we didn’t have to be out running around all day, but he said it’d be no problem going to this other Staples. No trouble my ass! The fucking parking lot was a total nightmare and the hordes of people we horrid! It took forever to get there, then to park, then to get the damn desk and the chair too, since this store tried claiming they knew nothing about it. Then after two salesclerks were on the phone with the Staples we came from for an eternity, we finally got the damn desk and chair.

Then it was off to fight tooth and nail to get out of the parking lot. This one smart-ass cock was walking so slow in front of the car, pissing me off, and getting pissed off doing it, that I was prepared to fight if need be and I didn’t give a fuck how big he was. The fortunate little shit walked away, though, without provoking me and forcing me to kick ass. Lucky little bastard!

We also went to a sporting store where Tom ran in to get toilet chemicals while I sat in the car. It took him forever.

We grabbed me some Chinese take-out, got some gas, then we finally came back to the house.

The computer desk has a printer and a file cart. It’s great and I have good space, too. All the more it’ll inspire me to write. We put it together using a super bright halogen light run by the generator.

Later…

Well, we’re getting a little taste of the city now. God just won’t let me live in peace. I just have to listen to other people’s shit.

When I first heard the music I automatically thought - here we go. The renters are ready to announce themselves and make their presence known. We drove by them today. Although there are curtains in the window of the one closest to us, it still looks deserted. We didn’t see any people, but there was an old, Mexican-looking car by the other one with a big dog chained in front that may’ve been a St. Bernard.

It wasn’t the renter’s music, though. It’s coming from the north, opposite next door. It sounded like it may’ve been country music, and it was coming from a house, not a car. Fortunately, it couldn’t be heard at all in the house. Not till the parties get closer and louder. It was quite a party, though, setting off tons of dogs in the area by it. I thought they weren’t supposed to do this out here! Tom said that people are bound to have parties during the holidays. Yeah, but there are holidays every other week. Can anybody anywhere keep their damn parties to themselves? It may be Saturday night, but isn’t it a little too soon for a Christmas party? I can’t believe this fucking shit, though! Everywhere I go, everywhere, I have to be forced to listen to other people’s noise! It fucking never ends! Even out here I’m gonna have to listen to other people’s music. Why oh why God can’t you just let me live in peace! Why this obsession?! Well, this decade’s not out yet, but it will be soon enough. Then he can decide whether or not to keep sticking people’s noise on me or do something else to me for the next decade.

I’m out in the middle of fucking nowhere yet I still listen to other people’s music! All I hear is bass, though, and I’m really starting to believe it’s a live band. I’ll bet you anything that if we were in that house, God would make sure it was loud enough to hear in there. I can’t hear it with an earplug in the good ear or when the trailer heater runs, so thank God for at least that much, cuz these things certainly would’ve been utterly useless in Phoenix against car stereos.

Still, holidays or not, Saturday night or not, I thought people out here kept their noise for their ears only. They must be renters, and surprisingly, they aren’t scarce around here. I’ve seen lots of signs advertising houses for rent.

Anyway, it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting den tables from Heilig-Meyers cuz they just don’t have any others as cheap as those other ones, and they don’t have a great selection. Since we still have about $50 of credit with them, I’ll at least grab a decoration of some kind.

Speaking of decorations, I picked up 6 new gorgeous pictures at Fred Meyer. They all came to only $50 cuz I bought them frameless. They’re mounted on cardboard and wrapped in plastic.

One may be from some sort of play. It’s called The Accolade, but I never heard of it and don’t know what it means. There is a lady and a man dressed in fancy, old-fashioned clothes, and they seem to be involved in some sort of ceremony. The guy’s kneeling in front of the woman and the woman has a sword lying on the guy’s shoulder. The woman has beautiful long hair, so that’s what attracted me to this picture.

There are two pictures of kids. One is of little girl ballerinas in soft pastel colors and the other is of a boy and girl from behind who are holding hands. “Friends Forever,” it says.

I got a long, skinny picture with puppies amongst pots of purple flowers, a field of purple flowers with a mountain behind it, and another long, skinny one of a beach with palm trees in Tahiti.

I have never written about Janette yet. She’s an older woman who works with Tom and she got in an accident by slamming into a median, so she called Tom to go help her. There was nothing he could really do for her (this was Friday after work), but calm her down till she reoriented herself. The poor woman’s airbag came out and bonked her upside the head, her motor fell out to the ground, and now her insurance rates will go up.

Well, I want to listen to my music now, so I’m gonna unplug and see if they’re still carrying on.

Later…

From the sound of it, they’ve shut up for the night. I took my Melatonin for the night and will be crashing soon. Tom, of course, is crashing in the house. He can stand to sleep in the house under a blanket, and all he has to do to pee is whip it out and squirt it out the door. He doesn’t need any toilet paper. I’m glad he can deal with sleeping over there with no problem since that way I can be free of his shaking the trailer and since I prefer easier access to toilets.

They left their well drilling rig here over the weekend, so I hope that means they’ll be in a hurry to get out here Monday and finish the job so they can take the rig back.

Tom was pretty nervous for a while before they hit water as they did at 545’. The guy said he brought enough piping for 680’ and that on Hidden Valley Road, right around the corner, he had to drill 785’ before hitting water! That’s deep.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1999 In the trailer…

Just when I was admiring how quiet the dogs have been, next door’s dog takes off on a half-hour fit. It didn’t start barking till 10:00, though, and at least the dogs around here, when they do bark, don’t bark much during the day.

Haven’t heard anything else around here yet. A good 99% of the time it’s quiet. Finally! Yeah, but this peace I’ve been dreaming of and fighting for over the last 8 years is something I better enjoy while it lasts.

No Friday night stress like I had in the city! God how I hated weekends on N. 21 Ave.! I can just imagine how many cars are in front of next door! Those poor moochers. Wait till the summer when they’re outside gabbing from sunset to sunrise! It’s just a hell of a relief and a hell of a feeling to know that I no longer have to be forced to listen to and deal with those Mexicans!

I talked with Teresa on and off last night and it was fun. She enjoyed my company and I found her pleasant to chat with.

She looks and acts older than she is. I thought she was in her early 20s, but she’s only 18. She’s engaged and has a 2-year-old. Figures, huh? At just 18? Truthfully, though, if anyone had to be a teenage mom, I’d hope it’d be her. She’s so intelligent and with it for her age. She’s your classic mom looks-wise cuz she’s huge. She says she doesn’t care that she’s big. I envy her attitude.

She was shocked to learn I’m 34. She thought I was around 27.

According to the computer, last night was our 17th night there. That’s scary. And that doesn’t count the days we spent at the La Quinta, the Holiday, Hampton, Red Roof, or the Southgate.

Well, no place is perfect, but the Fairfield is definitely my favorite.

I bought us some chips and shared some cookies and soda with her. She gave me a bag of hard candy.

She might let me steal this fake green leafy tree that’s been cramped behind a cabinet-like thing for a while. She’s gonna get a feel for if her boss would miss it or not, I guess, then let me know Sunday night whether or not I can whisk it out.

She also was cracking up over some jokes I was telling her, which she repeated to her mom and stepdad.

I told her that if all went well, she’d never see me again after next Tuesday. That’s not what she wants, she said, and I gave her our cell phone number. She knows and understands, though, how much we want to get in that house.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1999 We extended our hotel stay for three days in a row, with tonight being the last night, to make it easier on us.

They were at 200’ with the well Tuesday and at 400’ yesterday, so they may finish up today. Meanwhile, Tom’s gonna jump on the phone to push for Gravity to get his fat ass out to finish his job, so we can get in by Christmas and not have to wait a month in between jobs. Before, it’d seem like a month would pass after each job they did, be it the septic, the skirting, APS stringing the electric, etc. If these people want to get paid, they’ll finish their job cuz as it is, they’re not getting full payment. Not with all the delays they’re not.

Well, last night was the 5th quiet hotel night in a row. Hopefully, that’s a good sign, and maybe God will give us a break for a change and let us into our home by Christmas like I prayed for. The bulk of my prayers go unanswered, though, as you know, so we’ll see.

I called Andy last night and the night before, but I think I’m gonna call it quits with calling him. All he does is either say nothing or quote lyrics and it’s really quite boring. I’m done with him. I have nothing to say to him. And there’s nothing he can say to me that’s worth hearing.

I thought of Andy after I smelled pot a few times out at the house. Can you believe it?! Even Tom smelled it. If it isn’t pot we smelled a few different times, then it’s something that really resembles it closely. We couldn’t tell where it was coming from, although we doubt it came from Dan or next door due to the direction of the wind Dan and next door our south, the rentals are west, and the smell came from the north.

On our first night here, I sat down to listen to music and turned all the lights off. I then noticed these dots of light on the wall and couldn’t figure out what was causing them. When I turned the lights on, though, I could see there were little glow-in-the-dark star stickers stuck to the wall. I took them to the house and put them in my office.

I haven’t said anything to Tom yet, although I’ve mentioned it before, cuz I wanted to see if he’d notice. So far he hasn’t. I swapped my old nicotine-stained lampshade that goes to the bedroom wall lamp, with one of their wall lampshades here. Mine was only slightly bigger than theirs and shouldn’t be noticeable to anyone who’s not looking for it. Eventually, when it comes time to replace the fluorescent bulb, they may see that the lampshade’s rather dingy looking and replace it. By then we should be long gone and they shouldn’t have a clue as to who made the swap. They may never even know it was a swap, but just a lampshade that got dirty.

Also, I filled those three jar lamps. I could’ve put a Barbie in the big one, but she would’ve been standing funny, so I put flowers in and it looks great. Even Tom says it’s way cool and looks like I bought it that way. I didn’t get as lucky with the two smaller ones cuz most of my flowers were either too old and frayed that I threw them out. So I put beads and pieces of turquoise in one, and an assortment of jewelry in the other.

Yesterday I thought I was getting a cold cuz I had a sore throat, but I’m fine today. Nonetheless, I took the day off and let Tom go straight to the house from work by himself. I hope he doesn’t return with any bad news of any kind. We don’t need it! I have a good vibe for the 20th and a somewhat good one for the 23rd, too.

Poor Tom’s only had four hours of sleep the last two days. I hope he can catch up on at least some of it. He said he’d be in between 1:00-4:00. A part of me wishes I’d gone with him today, cuz I’m sort of bored here.

I automatically awoke at 8:30. Guess I’ve developed a bit of a built-in alarm clock.

I’ve written and listened to music, so I guess I’ll read now.

Later…

If only I’d written down that black bitch’s number before we got the trailer! I could’ve called to confirm whether or not she really got my mail. It’s a little late for that now, anyway, though. She and her cock oughta be out of town now like they always were before Christmas and just after the New Year.

I can’t call the Mexicans for confirmation not knowing their name, not that they’d necessarily be listed. I can’t believe that I never got a piece of their mail and learned their name during the four months I was stuck with them.

I can’t seem to get myself to read right now. I’m in more of a writing mood, although I don’t know what else to say at this time. Just the same thing I’ve been saying for months and what seems like years - I want in that house! I want in now! No, I want in more like yesterday!

I’ve gotten a few wall decorations up, but it’d help if I had my box of nails. They must be in mini storage. All I’ve got is my big toolbox which does have some nails, but mainly screws.

Tom and I were a fool to think I’d run out of doll or wall space. I’ve got plenty of room left for dolls, but that’s mainly cuz 12 of them ended up on top of kitchen cabinets and a few on the counters. I could use some more pictures for the walls. The wall space in there is endless!

I wish Tom would hurry back!

Later…

We hit water today at 545’! Tom said there was water gushing everywhere. He says he also has reason to believe we will be in by Christmas according to how everyone’s acting. Well, this goes with my vibes, which I told him about. He said the 20th is when a pump is supposed to be put on the well, and the house should be inspected on the 23rd which could explain why I had good vibes for those dates.

Also, he got a $750 bonus at work for being such a good worker. After taxes are deducted, though, it’ll only be about $450, but hey, that’s the cost of about 8 hotel nights.

He said he was feeling so well and that he wanted the good luck to continue, so he almost stopped at the casino but was too tired. I’ll bet! At least he’s asleep now and will be able to get nearly 8 hours.

They took the storage bin back today.

I forgot to mention this “witching” crap the well driller went through before beginning the drilling. Talk about putting on a show! With a brass rod that looked like an L-shaped coat hanger, he walked around the property claiming that the more it moved to the side, the more there was water pooled in that area. What a bunch of superstitious bullshit! Yeah, right, and if I walk around with a tree branch that happens to swing to the side magically on its own, does that mean there’s gold under me? He had to have consciously moved the rod, cuz you could hit water pretty much anywhere in that area. That was obvious with all the wells on the farms around there.

I said hi to Teresa, who was totally bored and told her about hitting water. Before I could ask her about stealing any plants, she got a phone call.

Tom hasn’t noticed the swapped lampshade. I told the maid we didn’t need her services today. Not cuz I feared she’d notice the switch either, but because we’re all set till we leave tomorrow.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1999 Today was both hectic and productive.

It was hectic hurrying to set up the new shed and empty the storage bin before dark (they’re supposed to pick up the bin tomorrow).

It was productive cuz the Goddamn well driller finally showed up! It was cool to watch them work and I intend to take some pictures tomorrow. They left the rig on the land and left in a pickup.

The question is are we gonna have to wait forever for Gravity, or someone, to hook it up and fill in the septic so we can then call APS to finish their part and get the county out to inspect?

Tom made it clear to Steven that we know all this delay is his fault and that we regret using him. Steven had an excuse for everything, but Tom had an answer for everything, too. For example, Steven tried to convince Tom that despite the delay, we were saving money on a cheaper driller. But we’re not, as Tom told him. The hotel costs are making up for that so we may as well have gotten an expensive driller who was reliable and who would’ve been on-site as promised.

I said hello to Teresa when we got here, then took a much-needed shower to get all the dust off me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1999 Was sitting at the breakfast bar earlier.

We’re still pretty stressed out over things taking forever to happen. Not that I’m in the mood for sex myself what with all his excuses, but I was shocked to hear him say he was too stressed out for sex. Don’t get me wrong - everything turns him off. It’s just that once again, Tom’s anything but your typical male. Most people would want to have sex during stressful times cuz it eases stress. People tend to turn towards things they like and things that relax them and make them feel good when they’re stressed out. I lose my appetite for food when I’m feeling down in any way, but I tend to do more other things. Especially listening to music.

Tom’s level of optimism is so unrealistic that it pisses me off. He’s too hopeful. He’s still hoping for a well, saying there’s a good chance the driller will be here tomorrow, but I just don’t see it. Why would he suddenly decide to show up now after all this time?

Tom bitched to the loan people and he says that there’s a damn good chance they’ll sue Steven and his fucked up associates if they don’t have their work done by the 24th, but I doubt it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1999 We’re at the Fairfield now, although he’s gone to work. This time we’re in the same suite that was left open the night I popped popcorn in its microwave. It’s nice having the micro, and I just slipped downstairs for about ten packets of hot chocolate, ten spoons, and five cups, not that I’ll have more than 2-3 cups tonight. Yes, this is definitely my favorite hotel, even though I wish we never had to return after tonight.

I did laundry earlier and found that Teresa wasn’t working tonight.

I placed one call to Andy earlier too, but he was on the phone cuz it only rang once before his machine came on. I left him a hang-up, and you know, I thought about it and realized something - he probably can’t get a hotel number after all. Not unless it was a call from their main line, but extensions should come up as unavailable, the more I think about it, on both caller ID boxes and last number calls.

After he gets out of work, he’s gonna go get a shed. They’re coming to pick up the storage bin on Wednesday. Then all we’ll have is our stuff in mini storage to get out.

Just when I thought my slow-starting period was over, I had wicked cramps, so I popped ibuprofen.

Last night at around 9 PM I heard a series of gunshots, the second-worst thing you’d hear out there besides dogs. Well, they certainly weren’t hunting at that hour, so I guess they were shooting stray dogs or coyotes away from their chicken coops.

Tom and I discussed getting a gun with a laser line-up when we get the horses.

I love seeing roadrunners. They’re so cute, and they sure are fast!

There still haven’t been any noise problems in back, and I know they can’t be living there full-time yet. Not only cuz it’s too quiet for anyone to be living there, but because I only see their outside light on at night and no other lights. It’s just too dark for anyone to be living there, quiet or not.

Later…

Although I already feel much better, thank God, the last two days weren’t the least bit pleasant.

First, though, since I’m obviously gonna finish this book before we move in the house, I’m gonna use either journal #77 or #160 to finish out our trailer/hotel stay, cuz they have blank pages.

Tom says I’ll feel better by Friday cuz Friday we should have a handle on what’s going on with the house. That goes with my vibes. I feel that yes, we’ll know more of what the fuck’s going on this week and maybe even be able to pinpoint a move-in date. But luckily for me, as I said a moment ago, I’m already feeling better. For a couple of days, I was not only beat and run down to the point that I could’ve easily slept 16 hours, but I was depressed, too. I was so scared too, cuz it was over the two issues that I spent about 5 years being depressed over, and I began to fear I’d be slipping back in time, depressed regularly. I feared God was gonna compensate me for the house/land by having me be depressed over old issues, but nah. I don’t think he’ll do that to me. He couldn’t be that mean, could he? Let’s hope not!

The first issue took me a while to figure out, but the second one still has me confused.

Issue one - the realization that neither of us has made any attempt to have sex in the last three weeks or so, was rather sad. It shows that due to how long we’ve been together, the love’s grown, but the lust has died. I really think this is why he’s been complimenting my looks too, to cover for his lack of being turned on.

I also realized it’s not the infrequent sex that gets me down and frustrated; it’s the damn lies and excuses. Always the lies and excuses! He just can’t come clean, be honest, be himself, and quit bullshitting me. He is how he is, so why he has to come out and make such bullshit comments like “Sex will be fine for making babies once we get settled in the house,” beats me and it really bothers me. Who does he think he’s kidding? Himself? Me? Not me. Certainly not me. But why oh why does he keep on, year after year, saying he’s gonna be someone he isn’t? It isn’t in him to have full-time sex and to cum regularly. He doesn’t even want to. Instead, he says he’s gonna do shit he’s not gonna do, then makes excuses. Nine of out ten times, as soon as he’s about to cum, he quits and makes excuses. He’s always got a problem. A cramp, an ache, a pain, a cold, exhaustion, etc. I’m so sick of it and he’s being so damn obvious. This is more than fear of making the baby he believes I can conceive. This is someone who’s just not into it and just not very attracted to me. But why can’t he just be honest and not do things he’s uncomfortable about, rather than attempt them just to back out scared, or cuz he just can’t get into it, then pummel me with excuses? Fine - don’t screw me but once or twice a month. And fine - don’t cum but once a year. But by God - cut the bullshit lies and excuses!

Issue two - this is the confusing one. How do you want something you know you don’t want? I know I don’t want a kid. I just don’t want to live that lifestyle. I don’t want to trade in dolls for diapers and deal with all a child entails; the stress, burden, responsibility, cost, loss of freedom, etc. I don’t want the tremendous strain it’d put on our marriage. We’d only bicker over it and then we really wouldn’t have a life or much time together.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but wonder about it. I’m so curious about this thing I can never have, but I know that want it or not, I can never have it and I could never handle it. If it was meant to be, it would’ve been by now - naturally. It’s better to always remain curious about what it’d have been like to carry/have a child than to live out those experiences and deal with the misery it’d bring. After my curiosity was settled, I’d have only been overwhelmed and miserable for years and years. I have no tolerance or patience for kids.

No amount of sex or in vitro could ever lead to a kid. It ain’t in my cards, but despite my curiosity and how it sometimes gets me down that God didn’t give me the free will to decide about having kids, his making a child not a part of my destiny is a damn good thing for me. Probably the best thing next to making Tom a part of my life/destiny. Having a life and having the freedom that I do is exactly what I need. Things turned out for the best and I’m glad they turned out as they did.

I forgot to say that as for the sex - I have no desire to get what I’m not getting in the marriage with another woman, but I am getting more and more turned off and am losing interest more and more with each passing year. His lack of enthusiasm and his constant excuses really kill my drive.

So what am I gonna do? The only thing I can do - put up with his excuses when we screw every few weeks, and accept that I can never have a child, want one or not, under any circumstances, no matter how advanced technology is.

For a while, I didn’t want to discuss it cuz I’ve learned it’s useless to discuss the things we can’t change and I didn’t want to bicker about it or have him BS me in any way, but I finally agreed to spill it out after he promised not to talk so as to avoid fighting. He knows I don’t want to hear the same BS he’s been telling me for six years now - that he wants to screw full-time, that we will screw full-time, that he will cum regularly, and that I’ll magically conceive someday when I know damn good and well that this is all bullshit. These things can’t and won’t happen. Fine. I accept it and am OK with it. What I’m not OK with are his lies and excuses.

He kept his promise and quietly let me bitch, but was that a look of boredom on his face I saw? A look of not-this-shit-again? Even a pleased look? Why do I feel that the more I’m turned off, the more he’s turned on?

He explained to me that it’s normal for everyone to have cycles of happiness and depression and that certain issues only seem to be getting me down when all it really is is just a case of me being down. It wouldn’t depress you if I died? I asked him. Yes, he said, but if I died during a happier cycle of his, it wouldn’t affect him as deeply as it would if I died during a shitty time for him when he was already feeling down.

Well, I just pray to God that I never ever go through years of wanting a child again! I don’t ever want to want a child!!!!! Ever! For a woman to go through years of depression over that is practically inhumane.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1999 I’m writing for the first time in the house at the bar on one of our new stools. I’m rapidly losing light, though, so I’m gonna head to the trailer. Tom’s bundled up asleep on the couch here.

We may still not have water and electricity, but we have steps! Three sets, rather than the two we thought we were gonna get, although for a while there, I was beginning to think we were gonna have to get steps ourselves, but luckily, it’s one less thing we have to do.

The steps are ugly, but we don’t care. We’ve got them and they’re functional and that’s what matters! I just wish we’d gotten them sooner. They’re wooden steps with a reddish tint. They each have a matching wooden rail to one side, and I managed to hang my three biggest wind chimes off each of the three sets of stair railings. Using a hoe to raise it high enough, I put an old, broken wind chime up in one of our old ugly mesquite trees that’s sort of between the house and trailer. I put the little ones in a bush by the master bedroom side of the house.

Yesterday we got the kitchen set, stools, and spider lamp. They’re gorgeous. I sure do love contemporary-style furniture.

Today we went to the casino again, and unfortunately, my win vibe didn’t pan out. Maybe next time.

On the way back I saw a “Wild West” kind of sight. It was so southwestern and such a cool scene to see. A herd of beautiful wild horses was running alongside us as we were cruising down the freeway.

I got a little tub of homemade cookies from the grocery store, but they were hard. So Tom gave me a wonderful tip. He advised I put a piece of bread in the tub, and sure enough, it softened the cookies. The cookies sucked up the bread’s moisture.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1999 About an hour ago, we arrived here at the Fairfield. Teresa’s on tonight, and she put us in a more secluded room on the 3rd floor and says she’ll look out for us as far as who she puts where. She said all four of those rooms (so that was connected to the guy that came in requesting four rooms. I remember thinking to myself - that’s a lot of fucking kids)! Turned out to be scammers and she wishes she called the cops on them. They rang up their phone bills and stole everything out of the rooms. Yeah, I believe it. And I doubt very much they were retards coming for treatment. Why would they have to come here? They can get treatment anywhere. I think they were a bunch of Mexicans out for hand-me-outs, just like they usually are.

Another thing that annoys me when we stay in hotels is Tom and his goddamn TV. He and TV are like glue, and it’s hard for me to read or write with it going. I’m forced to listen to it too, and you know I hate TV with the same old, same old shit that’s always on. I looked at the HBO guide earlier and I swear that everything listed was the same old shit they’ve been running for the last decade.

Earlier, our kitchen set, stools, and spider lamp were delivered.

As I predicted about a month ago, we’re not getting a well. This fucking driller’s put us on hold and made his false promises long enough. We don’t know yet who’s gonna be filling in the septic, but I’m sure it’s gonna have to be us since no one seems to want to do anything for us. We are getting so fucked over and God’s so oblivious to it all, making me feel like he could care less, and always feeling like I have to pay dearly for all the things I get in life. He’s been totally ignorant of all my pleas for help, so now we’re on our own with no one to help us but ourselves. There’ll be no stairs, either like we were falsely promised.

Tom’s going to call the loan people about readjusting that, then we’ll get water and pressure tanks and begin hauling our own water. Once the tanks are in and inspected, we can fill in the septic, call APS to put a meter box out for us, then finish the stupid, sloppy, lazy Mexican’s jobs for them by fixing what they fucked up or half-assed within the house.

Then maybe, just maybe, God will give us our lives back and leave us alone to live in peace, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ve always believed that as long as God knows Tom’s with me, he’ll always run him ragged and keep him on the go so we don’t have time to do fun things together. And when we do, it’s only once every couple of weeks or so. I strongly feel that as soon as we’re in that house, his mother will become our daughter again and probably end up in the hospital, if not dead. Although, it’s too soon for her to die, from what I vibe. I think she’ll live till around next June-September, but if she’s still alive by then, then she may never die! Not for years yet, anyway. The doctors were obviously wrong in saying she had a terminal blood disease.

Later…

Tom fell asleep after turning off the TV to read for a while I read too, and decided I’d write some more. Perhaps I’ll go begin a letter to Paula.

First, though, I decided that as cute as those borders were, I think they’d be too much and make the place look really circus-like, so I’ve decided that I’ll eventually get a couple of murals that are 9’ tall and 6’ wide. A nighttime city scene for the bedroom and a beach with palm trees scene for my office.

Since there’s a damn good chance I’ll finish this book before we’re in the house, I’ll just get a regular notebook. I don’t have any room on my shelves for any more journals. Wait a minute! I’ve got plenty of room in #77. I was gonna use that up for journal charts back before I knew I was gonna be doing all my journaling on just the computer.

I went downstairs for coffee earlier and ended up chatting with Teresa for a few minutes when she came over to get some juice. She unlocked the orange juice and apple juice machine saying they weren’t supposed to use it (it’s for breakfast), but she was broke and thirsty. She offered me a cup, too.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1999 Tomorrow we’re expecting the kitchen set, the stools, and the spider lamp. That’s great, but when oh when are we ever gonna get water and electricity?!?! I keep insisting to Tom that we’re never gonna get a well, so we may as well start hauling water. We’ll probably have to fill in the septic ourselves too, which has been inspected and OK’d.

When the fuck are we ever gonna get those two sets of stairs we were promised? When the fuck are we ever gonna get in that damn house?!?!

Steven, who’s really lied to us and fucked us over “claims” he fired Hilda, then he swore he called the well driller, after swearing he didn’t know we’d been living in motels and got on his ass about getting us drilled, but even this cock’s a fucking liar. He said he’d drill the well “as soon as we got our permit.” God, how I hate people who say they’re gonna do something they don’t do!

It’s a real bitch stepping up on our little step ladder, then taking the gigantic step up into the house. You have to pull yourself up there.

In case I forgot to say - our AC is a ground-mounted unit, right outside the utility door.

I’m just so fucking sick of people screwing us over; being all talk and no action! I keep telling Tom he’s too soft-spoken with these people, then we argue over how my getting aggressive with these fucks will do us no good. It’s stressful and frustrating, even if my worst days since being out here are still fantastic compared to an average day back east, but still, I feel evil forces working against us, as well as blessed ones. It’s like first God’s with us by letting us sell our house so fast, even if we had expected to get out of there 4-6 months sooner than we did, and now, it’s like he’s teasing me with this house. I feel like this preparing to move and this trailer/hotel shit has been going on for years. Well, I mentally “prepared” to move six years ago, but still - when is this gonna end? I just want in the house! I try to remind myself how much worse things could be by remembering the past, and I tell myself to be glad that at least I have Tom and the house is here and at least we’re out of Phoenix, but I don’t feel gone half the time. Although I have a beautiful house and 10 gorgeous acres, God won’t let me out of the city! Every other day or two we have to go back so we can shower and once again - I’m stuck in the city! Stuck with all the noise and people. Stuck where everyone makes their business your business.

God really wants me to finish this decade with other people’s noise. It’s like the decade’s not out yet so he’s not finished with me yet. But what’s he gonna do next? What’s the next decade’s ongoing issue gonna be that’s gonna take 8-10 years to either go away on its own or for me to fix? Why must I pay so dearly for this house? Can’t I ever receive something without conditions? Why must I be punished and made to suffer just so I can live a normal life in this house and on this land (or as close to normal as God will allow and I’ll be happy with)?

There is some good news, although it’s not really good news, cuz it’s been cold, and cuz they just moved in, but behind us has still been quiet. Again, I don’t think they’re living here full-time anymore than we are.

What I’m trying to figure out, though - is all this being delayed from getting in the house, being screwed by Steven and his people, and having to play motel, punishment for leaving Phoenix and a house of noise? Compensation for getting the house/land? Or a sign of something good to come? Could we be going through all this hassle only to be soon compensated for something wonderful? Well, just getting in that fucking house would be wonderful enough!!!

Speaking of that house, I put some dolls up on top of the kitchen cabinets and they look really cool. I had to put them mainly on the cabinets towards the middle of the house where the ceiling’s high enough for them, cuz the ceiling’s just a few inches above the cabinets on the exterior wall.

Now that I know more about how dolls are made, I was able to fix some arms and legs that I thought were defective or just the way they were. Take Maria, for example. Well, I didn’t know she could be a sitting doll like Bailey, but she can and she is now and she looks so much better. Before, she had an odd pose and was neither a sitting doll nor a standing doll, but more like a leaning doll that was very pigeon-toed.

I repositioned Angel and Lollipop’s arms.

I can’t wait to get back to the casino. We’re gonna win the next time, too. I just know it. How interesting for me to vibe this before going there. Usually, I don’t sense if we’ll win or lose until we arrive at the casino. It won’t be millions, but it’ll be more than a few bucks.

Gosh, I didn’t think I could get in such a writing mood with all the shuffling around and with all the BS I’ve been through, but I guess after not writing nearly as much as I usually do and have been wanting to do it caught up to me.

It hasn’t rained since late August-early September and they say our first rain in months is due to hit this weekend. Can’t wait to check out the wash during a rainstorm. Tom thinks it’ll be a doozy too, and it oughta be neat to see a little river cascade through our land.

If you ask me personally, I’m glad the weather’s been like it’s been in light of our circumstances. This way I’m not sweating my ass off as I go back and forth to the trailer/house, and while I work in the house. It also keeps dogs quieter and flies, moths, and other flying bugs to a minimum.

We finally met our neighbors to our left. Well, he did. I was in the house and didn’t even know they’d met (that’s how big our property is)! Till he told me about it. As we were driving in earlier, we noticed five huge dogs by their shacks which were a bit scary. To say there are a lot of loose dogs around here is an understatement. Anyway, they drove up to the trailer to talk to Tom and they asked if they were our dogs. First, the grandmother introduced herself, her daughter, and her grandson. (I forgot if he said the son-in-law was present). So he told them we’d seen them, and she said they killed a chicken of theirs, but that by the time she grabbed her gun, they were gone (too bad!).

He said she looked white, but the kid and daughter may be Mex. Or did he say the kid’s father? Anyway, it figures. It really figures. He did say they seemed like nice people, though, and we’re glad to have met them since we were both curious, but what would they have done if he’d said they were our dogs? Shoot us?

I guess I’m not gonna be hearing about Joeshit’s and the H’s letters, but I kind of figured as much deep down. What could I hear about them?

I called Andy twice from the Southgate, but the first time I dropped the damn phone and never heard what he was saying so I just hung it up in the middle of his babbling. When I called back, he picked up and said, “Rock and roll star you are,” and I hung up.

Speaking of the Southgate - it was not peaceful like the first two times we were there. It was just like a regular hotel with hallways. There was a lot of banging, and while it wasn’t chock full, it wasn’t as dead as usual, either. Some little shit slammed its door nearly on and off till late at night. Amazingly, I slept straight through from midnight till 8:00 like I did, although at 8:15 the banging started up again. The housekeeper was the cause of some of it. We left before they could begin to pester us to clean the room. As I said, Do Not Disturb signs are useless out here. If they can’t go to your door, they call you and bug you by phone.

Anyway, right after Tom left at 11:00 for work, I called the nearby rooms that were occupied, knowing one or both of them had to be doing the banging. There was no one to our right, but there was to our left and below. I called below first and said, “Stop slamming that door!”

“What?” said the middle-aged to older guy in such a stunned voice.

“Sit down, shut up, and quit slamming doors,” I said and hung up.

As soon as the cock to my left answered, I said the same thing. As soon as I finished, I hung up after hearing him say, “Who the f…”

I obviously really scared the shit out of them cuz they wouldn’t answer in the morning yet their cars were still there.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1999 I just knew today would be a good one. I had good vibes for this day for a week or two. We spontaneously stopped in the casino to try out their buffet (at least I knew I could be guaranteed no screaming kids in there!). Then we gambled and he won about $40 and me $30. I psyched out winning machines and then sensed it when I could win no more. I always sense it and know when I’m gonna win/lose. For $38 (there’s no tax on the reservation) I got a cute little 14” brown-haired, brown-eyed ballerina in a blue satin dress with white stiff netting. Her hair is to her waist and is a cross between wavy and curly. She came with no stand and no name so I named her Linda. She’s very similar to my Christina doll, but rather than having lace-up toe slippers, she’s barefoot. I plan to polish her toenails. As my shit doll luck would have it, I have to glue on a couple of flowers that fell off the ribbons that go around her ankles, as well as her fairy wings. She has a halo of blue flowers around the crown of her head.

For $14 I got an Arizona T-shirt with cactuses with a shiny gold border on a deep magenta background.

At the buffet, they had some Chinese food. As always, I grabbed a fortune cookie, and with it came a rather ominous message that says: Children’s laughter, so beautiful to hear, soon will be a chance to have them very near.

No thanks! Their laughter is not so beautiful to hear and I don’t want a chance to have them very near. I’d had them very near for nearly a decade now, which is more than enough, thank you. I’m not worried, though. I know God has other plans for me in life and that kid(s) is not in my destiny. I may’ve been wrong about marriage, quitting smoking, etc., but I know I’m not wrong about this, even though Tom feels it’s inevitable just like he did with the smoking.

Last Sunday, after unpacking several boxes, we went and stayed at the Fairfield (I did our laundry, too). Teresa wasn’t working, but Kim, another one we’ve gotten to know (we know the whole staff), was kind enough not to put anyone near us. I explained what happened the last time, and asked that she please be selective about who she puts near us if she could help it. We ended up being on the 3rd floor for the first time in this place, right in the very room those wild animals were in. It had a really cool 20’ high ceiling which made sounds echo. No wonder they were so damn loud. Anyway, it turned out to be their best room yet. I never heard one sound all night.

We’re at the Southgate now.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1999 My 34th birthday, which was yesterday, wasn’t pleasant for the most part, but neither are most of my birthdays. I don’t know if it was my gut instinct or just logic, but somehow I knew he’d be tense and moody. I feel like he uses my birthdays to take out any negative feelings he’s ever had towards me. What’s he gonna do when his birthday rolls around? Bait me into a fight so he can feel like he has an excuse to “get me back” on my next birthday? Well if I’m right about what he’s been up to - it’s childish and getting very old.

Before I continue - I’ve been up since 6:30 and haven’t had a bite to eat all day! Yeah, but I’m gonna have a bag of popcorn later.

Anyway, on my birthday, we went to the grocery store, to get the 13 dolls I had in mini storage, and to those southwestern shops in Scottsdale. They had a fairly decent-sized Indian doll for just $50 and lots of beautiful knickknacks. For my birthday, he got me a beautiful vase with cactuses and gold lines threading through it.

Our stay at the Southgate was quiet, but what is it with these housekeepers calling to see if you’ve checked out yet? Shouldn’t they have this information in their charts?

Let me cover the shit that went down last week at the Fairfield and get that out of my system. It was 9:00 and I was just about to settle in to watch a new movie when all of a sudden, I heard a ton of banging and kids giggling. At first I thought it was coming from next to us, but Teresa, a nice girl who works here, said it couldn’t be after she talked to him. It was just one older guy. Back in our room a little later, Tom had woken up and said it sounded like it was coming from above us on the 3rd floor. So I called down to Teresa, and sure enough, there were four kids up there, and these people had already been complained of and moved before. That’s right God - stick ‘em on top of me! Why does he always stick them on me in fours? Four NHA monsters, four Mormonettes, etc.

Teresa had to call them twice to get them to shut up, and they were quiet for a while till they woke me up at midnight. This was the final straw. I called downstairs and this time, the guy whom I bitched to about that old biddy answered and I told him that they had to go and that I wanted the cops called and that I wanted them out. He said OK, and they obviously were really booted out, cuz there wasn’t a sound after that.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1999 It has become absolutely freezing! It not only was just 50-something degrees today, but it was also incredibly windy. However, since it became wintry, the barking has lessened so much that at sundown you hardly hear anything at all. Well, we'll definitely be in the house long before the weather's comfortable enough for them to go off for a few hours in the evenings.

I still have yet to write about all the noise I had to put up with at the Fairfield, but let's just say that this time around, I had them thrown out. I'll write about it later, but first, the Southgate was again dead and quiet. We're at the trailer now, though.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1999 We’re at the Southgate motel now, after I swore Tuesday night I’d never stay at a hotel/motel again. I’m only here cuz Tom’s still got a cold, although he told me he’d be OK either way. That’s sweet of him, and I know how flexible he is, but still, I thought he deserved the comfort of a real bed and a real bathroom.

This room we got is also on the 2nd floor, but we got two doubles instead of a king, and it doesn’t have a microwave and a fridge.

Boy, am I the opposite of how I was those last couple of years back East healthwise. Back then, I’d just look at someone with a cold and catch it, but now, even if I’m confined in small spaces with someone with a cold, and even if I share their drink with them, as I did with Tom, I still don’t catch colds! I’d have definitely gotten it by now if I were gonna get it. The only thing I have is the usual tightness God’s forever cursed me with, although it’s improved since leaving Phoenix, and will continue to improve once we don’t have to drive through it as much when we get in that house once and for all! I did tell Tom from the get-go, though, that I vibed us not being able to move in till between my b-day and Christmas. When we went to make our first house payment, we were happy to hear that the loan people have refused to pay Steven and his associates a dime, cuz the work hasn’t been completed yet. They now have a 12/24 deadline, or else! We totally regret using Steven (we used him cuz we knew we’d lower our monthly payments by avoiding buying the house directly), although anyone you hire is gonna fuck up in one way or the other. People are just too damn stupid. We’re still fighting tooth and nail trying to get the well driller out there, and God only knows the story with APS, although Kathy, whom we’ve been dealing with, came out and replaced our red tag with a green one.

When we arrived at the land yesterday, we were pleased to see the dumb shit driving our storage big finally found our place after three phone calls asking for directions and were even more pleased to find our stuff intact! I was really sure that a lot of stuff would be smashed with the way they tip the bin. Tom packed it well.

We also got the bedroom and living room set delivered yesterday, too. The living room set came first. I had to send back the three tables cuz they were bent and broken, but as it turns out - I’m glad they were! In this particular room, three tables would’ve been too much. Especially with as monstrous as the sofa, loveseat, and chair were, which I’d forgotten. The chair’s almost as wide as a loveseat, the loveseat is nearly as long as a couch, and the couch is a couch and a half!

So, we’ll be going back there to select just two tables. One big one to serve the couch and loveseat and a small one to put by the chair. I have the chair against the utility wall, the couch in front of the windows, and the love seat sticks out facing the chair with its back by the kitchen in front of the bar and entryway. It fits nicely, though, without blocking our path.

The bedroom furniture people arrived while the people with the living room stuff were still there, so Tom had the bedroom stuff plopped down. The living room guy offered to give us a hand which we didn’t but should’ve taken him up on, cuz it was a bitch to get up in there, and they rudely used us as a dumping ground. I didn’t see it till it was too late, but they left a big empty box out front.

Anyway, we managed to get the dresser and nightstand in. They look great, too!

At first, when I looked at our very black living room furniture against the blue carpet and the whitewash and the tulips and everything combined, I thought it didn’t look as good as I thought it’d look and wondered if it would’ve looked better with a light-colored fabric, but black really does go with everything even if it’s dramatically darker than everything else around it, and it’s so dazzling and so comfy!

We were scheduled to have the dining room set, stools, and spider lamp delivered today, but they wouldn’t have been able to bring it out till after we were planning on leaving, so he called and rescheduled it for next Thursday.

We stopped at Walgreens on our way here and I got a picture frame in a water globe with glittery stuff that floats around. They call it a waterfall photo frame.

I also got some nail art kits. I decided I don’t want some of the decals I got so I’m enclosing that, and glitter from a vial of glitter that’ll make a hell of a mess, in the black bitch’s final piece of mail from me. Yeah, I thought she could use one more wacky, you-had-a-lot-of-nerve-to-do-the-things-you-did kind of letter. I figured I oughta use my nice stationery some more, and that’s why the moochers that bought our old house are gonna hear from me too, but they should’ve gotten their letter by now. The other reason I wanted to come here, besides allowing him to be more comfortable, was so I could mail the Mexican’s mail without his knowledge. The H’s letter implies I’m the next-door neighbor, but I don’t come out and give any specific identity. I start with bitching about all their barking dogs, scold them for vandalizing our place, then weird out on them with the senseless mumbo-jumbo.

[badclown]

@crimeloyalty moved from here.

❛ my mom was catholic. ❜ you know how in movies they always say that you're supposed to try to remind the person trying to kill you that you're human? i think i'm trying to do that with myself. i hold a piece of my hair up in front of my face, looking at the harsh line between my natural blonde and the red dye i took to my ends last night. like i'm in eighth grade and those fucking koolaid dip dye videos are trending again and i just want to be one of the cool kids. see? there it is again. all these bits and pieces from harleen's life. i'm trying not to lose myself. i don't know why. ❛ but i never really . . . bought any of that. christmas is fine. the rest ⸺ ❜

it's not like i'm much closer to my father's religion, either. the idea of any kind of god has never made sense to me. god wouldn't leave a seven year old sitting in a hospital hallway while her mother died. god wouldn't leave that same seven year old with an alcoholic piece of shit for a father. none of this, of course, is the point that mr. j's trying to make. i know that. she knows that, too. i wrinkle my nose in apology, then crawl into her lap. that . . . is also a famous harley distraction, and she knows that, too. i barely stop myself from pulling the daddy card.

and then i end up playing the other daddy card. the nick quinzel card. except it's not really a card when it's the truth, right?

❛ the last time i let myself think about revenge, i killed my dad. so. i don't really let myself do that anymore. ❜

"Obviously, yer too smart fer any of that shit. What do ya call it? When they train you from birth to think a certain way? Classical CONDITIONING." She combs red lacquered nails through Harley's hair and it runs thick between her pale fingers until she hits that red at the very ends. Of course she knows all about conditioning, about Ivan Pavlov and poor baby Albert, but Harley's still the psychiatrist here, and it's always better to make her feel like one of the smartest people in the room. So she shrugs and turns away casually as though this were just some one off conversation and they're sharing just to share something.

"Gumdrop, that's RIDICULOUS." She's busying herself with something else while she talks so that her commentary will seem less confrontational. "You know just as well as I do what people are LIKE. If ya give 'em an inch, they'll take a MILE, an' then they'll piss in yer SHOES. If ya don't SHOW people that they CAN'T fuck with you, then they're GONNA fuck with you. I think ya call that SETTING BOUNDARIES, right?? All ya did with yer dad was enforce a BOUNDARY. And honestly, I'm so PROUD of you fer standin' up fer yerself like that. An' ya know what else?"

She puts down what she's doing and turns her full attention to Harley. That's what the other woman wants, what she thrives on, and so it can only be accompanied by the most salient of points. Harley will hang on her every word, but Joker wants her to associate the thing she wants most (her undivided attention) with the behaviors Joker wants her to continue exhibiting. How's that for classical conditioning? "Yer never sexier than when yer covered in some fuckface's blood, an' I really MEAN that."

[jarro-stan-account]

Okay AU where when Jason breaks into Titan’s Tower ready to beat the everliving shit out of Tim, Tim’s slumped, dead asleep at the kitchen table, and he’s just… so small? And skinny? Like, he’s rail thin and pasty white, and it makes the bruises against his skin that much more livid.

Obviously Tim is not in peak combat condition. This isn’t even like that metaphor about fighting 5th graders, it’s more like drop kicking a baby and calling yourself tough. If Jason really wants to humiliate Tim and prove that *he’s* the better Robin, then he can’t do it now when Tim looks like he’d fall over if he stood up too fast.

So Jason decides to make omelettes and just leave them there. Just to get the Replacement up so he can beat his face in properly. Except rummages around the Titan’s kitchen, but there’s nothing in there but like, candy and orange juice, so he has to head to the store. While he’s there, he might as well grab some fruits and vegetables, the last green thing they had was probably whatever radioactive mix passes for an energy drink

So Jason breaks back into the tower, cooks a veggie omelette, and leaves it in the fridge with notes on how to warm it up. On the way out, he leaves a vaguely threatening post it note that simply says “Drink water, fuckface”

Of course, lack of proper nutrition isn’t fixed with one meal. So Jason ends up preparing meals and delivering them, just so he can really humiliate the Replacement when he beats his ass into the ground

Except Jason is delivering a meal when he sees Tim is asleep in his room at 6 am, clearly at end of an all nighter with English lit notes scattered around him and a rough essay typed up on his laptop that just devolves into gibberish . Clearly his homework is one of the reasons he’s so sleep deprived all the time. And Jason can’t help but look at the beginnings of the report without feeling offended on the behalf of Jane Eyere, whose work deserves proper appreciation.

So Jason breaks in and leaves helpful English notes and annotations, along with a Tupperware container of lasagna.

Meanwhile Tim is just ??? all the time but he gets free food? And those English tips were really helpful?

Anyways, this keeps spiraling until Jason finds out what shit Tim’s parents put him through, and then obviously he has to sign him up for therapy because mental health affects your performance in a fights.

Then all of this culminates when Jason is caught breaking into Tim’s room at the manor (vegetable casserole in hand) by BRUCE of all people, who just goes “Jay-lad?” really weakly and he’s crying and then Jason is being hugged by his dad and oh, he’d forgotten what this felt like. He goes to just break out of the hug, but then he just… can’t. It wouldn’t make sense to leave anyways. He can keep a closer eye on Tim from here.

So Jason moves back into the manor and keeps making sure Tim eats and gets enough rest and drinks water and goes to his therapy appointments, because holy hell this kid is a disaster.

Jason’s still gonna kill Tim though. He’s obviously just following his master plan. He WILL kill Tim. Totally. 100%. Just… not today. It’s PTA night and he needs to make sure the teachers are taking care of Tim.

[cosmichorrorsarestillnicerthanme]

Perhaps my ask got snapped? I don’t know but I’ll say my request just in case.

Reader that’s a new member of the choir, and how the choir treats them? Headcanons specifically, can be platonic or romantic, either one, hope you have a great day!!

Yeah Your Original Ask Did Get Snapped So Thanks For Sending It Again!

I Had A Lot Of Fun Writing This Especially Gascoine's Part

The Choir Headcanons

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Choir, The Brains, Eyes, Fist, and Fangs Of The Healing Church, Filled To The Brim With Scientists Who Research What They Want When They Want With Impunity As Long As They Don’t Get Too Loud And Hunters Who Have Shown Promise By Managing To Remain Mostly Sane Throughout Multiple Hunts And Killing Enough Beasts To Turn The Seas Red.

This Is Your New Job And Whether You Are Hunter, Prospector, Scholar, Doctor, or Cleric, You Are Going To Have To Earn Your Keep.

So Allow Me To Introduce A Small Number Of Yharnam’s Crackheads!

Laurence The First Vicar

The Head Of The Healing Church, And Head Of The Investigative Sciences Clerical Division Of The Choir.

He Rubbed You The Wrong Way And You Don’t Know Why.

Well That's A Lie, You Knew Exactly Why He Rubbed You The Wrong Way.

It Was The Way He Walked And Talked, Like He Was Trying To Constantly Seem Frail And Weak And Trustworthy But There Was Always Something Off In The Air Around Him, Something That Made Your Hair Stand On End.

If You Had To Describe The Feeling You Would Say It Was Something Like What You Felt Whenever You Visited The Forges And Stayed Too Close To The Massive Crucibles That Turned Tonnes Of Steel Into Liquid Metal To Make The Choirs Weapons But Worse

Because Of This You Always Did Your Best To Avoid His Division Of The Choir And Him

Ludwig The Holy Blade

Everyone Loves Ludwig.

That Said He’s a Himbo, Small Of Brain, And Big Of Dick.

Strikes Me As A Lightweight.

Your First Meaningful Interaction With Him Was When He Was Drunk And Ran Around In His Underwear While Screaming “MY HORSE IS A GOODER BOY THAN YOURS STARSCOURGE FUCKFACE!!!”

That Was Also The Night You Met The Only Person With Two Brain Cells To Rub Together In The Entire Time You Had Been Working With The Choir Lady Maria.

When Ludwig Isn’t Drunk Or Training Hunters He Is Somewhat Soft Spoken.

An Extremely Kind Man.

He Always Smells Like Horse And Horse Cleaning Supplies.

Ludwig Gives Of A Very Endearing Feeling, Kind Of Like A Puppy.

One Of Two Reasons The Healing Church As A Whole Hasn’t Starved.

If He Takes A Liking To You He Will Probably Manage To Drag You Into His Harebrained Schemes And Even You Don’t Know How He Drags You With Him.

Lady Maria

Everyone Is Afraid Of Her.

And It’s Not Totally Without Reason.

She May Or May Not Have Shot Two Clerics In The Balls Because they both Accidentally Snuck Up On Her on two separate occasions before she had her coffee.

She Can’t Cook, Like, At All, Can Make A Mean Cup Of Coffee Though.

Can Set Water On Fire, This Skill Has Gotten Her Out Of Some Sticky Situations.

Gives Off The Feeling That She Will “Lovingly” Snap Your Spine Like A Twig.

If She Takes A Liking To You She Might Make Some Coffee For The Two Of You, I Know That Doesn’t Sound Like Much But For The Queen Of Kuudere’s It Is The Equivalent Of Her Shouting Her Undying Love For You From The Rooftops.

Father Gascoine

Everyone Calls Gascoine Gramps No Exceptions.

He Doesn’t Even Know Why.

After A While He Just Accepts It.

One Of Two Reasons The Healing Church Hasn’t Starved.

Everyone Tells Him He Is Huggable

He Doesn’t Understand This, He Is A Seven Foot Tall Beast Who Makes Full Grown Horses Look Like Ponies, and Uses A Giant Fuck Off Axe!

Gascoigne Gives Off A Very Fatherly Feeling.

Has Been Voted The Most Popular Hunter For The Past Six Years.

If He Takes A Liking To You He Will More Than Likely Introduce You To His Family Which Consists Of His Daughters, His Wife, And His Brother In Arms Henryk. After This He Will Be Ordered By His Daughters To Adopt You (The Little Brats Have Him Wrapped Around Their Little Fingers) You Have No Choice In This Matter.

Vicar Amelia

You Know That One Person Your Parents Told You To Avoid.

Here She Is!

Very Pretty And The Minute She’s Off Church Time Very Much The Type Of Person To Cause Problems On Purpose.

Acts Like A Saint, Probably More Debauched Than The Beasts.

Could Make The Devil Blush With Everything She’s In to.

She Gives Off A Feeling Of Someone Who Could Make Sitting Down Sensual.

If She Takes A Liking To You, May The Great Ones Help You, She Will Pull You Aside For “Confession” which means she teases you until you break.

[bubblegumfics]

Everyone is falling in love-Jeff the Killer(woods ver.) SMUT 18+

Finally, after a few weeks I got this to turn out how I wanted it to. Experimenting with these characters to create my own versions for you all to enjoy is what makes me happy so I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. Also I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but be careful when partaking in drugs and be aware of some of the risks of how you consume it before you do.

-your local poltergeist stoner

Warnings: smut, drug use(weed), shotgunning, slight dubcon(?), ,deepthroating, petnames, knifeplay--Minors dni 18+

AFAB, she/her pronouns used,

word count:2.4k

Jeff was known for throwing the best underground parties around, however, it was only a matter of time before the rush of being in abandoned warehouses or allegedly (absolutely) haunted places wore off. Eventually he needed something more.

“Oh Y/n dear~.” He spoke in a scratchy yet dulcet tone, laying back onto the couch.

“What do you want, Jeffery?” Y/n clicked open the phone, rolling their eyes as a pang of annoyance runs through their system.

“I’m planning a party tonight. A big one. I think you should come.” He laughs, playing with the knife in his hands, running a finger along the edge.

“Where is it? Actually why such short notice? You’re usually good at planning these things.” her brows furrowed in confusion as he let out a chuckle.

“Well, I don’t think I need a reason, do I? But if you must know, it's going to be at the manor.” She blinked repeatedly wondering if she actually heard him right.

“So surely you understand why I can’t just plan now, can you? Everyone will be out tonight, except Ben of course.” Of course, he usually went along with Jeff’s bullshit, but this is something else entirely. To cross the manor and the people who live in it is the same as crossing the operator himself which would most always have fatal consequences. I mean it's not like Jeff followed any rules or alignments nor does he care to, so what’s one more notch in his bedpost?

“So, you in?”

“Are you kidding? I gotta be there for this. Pick me up in ten.”

She hung up the phone, silence once again consuming the room. How did this even start again? She was supposed to die that night as just another faceless victim of his wrath with the cold blade he held pressed into her neck, but with few words, managed to confuse him enough to stay alive at least one more day. He came back pretty often after that, which made y/n grow less fearful and more frustrated at the smiling man. After awhile he just stopped murder attempts altogether and would opt to show up whenever and stay as long as he pleased.

“Hurry up fuckface!!” Jeff blared on the horn, sticking his head out the window of the car. “Ugh.” She locks the door behind her and enters the vehicle, already placing a hand on the grab handle as a precaution.

“Are you ready for the ride of your life?” He chuckles, placing the car in reverse and looking back. Y/n couldn’t tell what she was more anxious about, Jeff’s driving or going back there. The manor isn’t a new place to her, but ever since she had gotten somewhat close to Jeff, it only seemed to serve as a reminder about her life getting flipped upside down. The wool was pulled from her eyes that day and all questions of missing people or mysterious happenings were all answered the second she walked through the door, no one needing to utter a word.

It was large and foreboding, although kept surprisingly well with the wood darkened and stained with age, but remaining just as sturdy as the day it was cut. A garden sat up front with various plants that held different foods and flowers growing together separated only by a path you could travel through that led to the front door.

“Are you sure about this?” She asked, unsure of what to do. Sensing her unease, he places a hand to her thigh. A blush dusted across her face, averting her gaze slightly to fidget with the ripped bits of her jeans instead.

“No, but that’s what makes it so exciting.” He gripped the wheel tightly with his free hand, playing with it as he schemed, staring at the building with a glint in his eyes. Y/n couldn’t help but smile softly at him.

“Come on, we should hurry in before more people show up.”

Tables were filled with food and alcohol, speakers already blaring dance music, with Ben manning the dj station.

“People are starting to show up.” It wasn’t long before the party was in full swing and packed full of people dancing mindlessly to the music that was somehow even louder than it was earlier. Jeff stood on the staircase, red solo cup in hand as he watched the patrons go wild.

“Wow. I didn’t think you’d actually be able to pull this off.” Jeff turned, looking down to face Y/n, waving her over.

“Ouch, honestly im hurt” he clutched his chest in a joking manner and mischief painted on his face.

“Hey.” His face was centimetres away from hers in a second, he practically beamed as he grabbed her wrist to shove her hand into his pocket.

“Jeff quit being a perv-” They trailed off after feeling the rolled joints, matching his expression of pure glee once she realised what it was.

“Are we gonna light them to start passing them around?” He scoffed, turning to climb the stairs, looking back and motioning for her to follow him.

His room is about as messy as you’d expect. Clothes are thrown across the floor without a care and alcohol bottles peeking out of the closet from an overflowing bin.

He excitedly went to the window, opening it to let the cool breeze in, picking up the lighter from the corner as well as the items in his pocket. Y/n reached to grab one but Jeff placed his hand over hers, shaking his head.

“I have an idea, just…. don’t freak out.” He picks up the joint, hesitation influencing his every movement, examines it then puts it to his lips and lighting. He took a long drag, placing one hand on her shoulder, placing the other one when the burning joint was in the small glass tray. she looked at him confused when he pulled her closer to his frame.

“Jeff what the fuck are you doing?” He doesn’t answer, but instead places his lips to hers, coaxing her mouth open with his tongue. He exhaled and the smoke that was once in his lungs filled hers. She grasped his forearm for support when he pulled away, stunned as she exhaled with a cough.

“Not gonna lie, that was kinda hot.” She was breathless, the act freshly burned into her mind, a pleasant feeling creeping up in the pit of her stomach she couldn’t quite place, but she spoke before she got a chance to process it.

“Do it again.” She neared his now pink-dusted face and he fumbled for the items again. This time she was prepared, closing her eyes when he set the things down and running her fingers through his hair. When he finished she pulled his head down and onto her neck, letting out a rasped moan, watching the smoke escape in a haze as he placed kisses and bites along her skin.

“I want you so bad.” He looked up at her with pleading eyes. He looked and sounded completely vulnerable, hinting that his words extended beyond physicality.

“All of you. Your stupid face, your voice, your body. Any way that I can have you is how I want you No, how I need you.” He slid his hands under her shirt, running his hands up and down her sides.

“I can be good for you, just let me show you.” She did not speak, processing his unusual sweet, even charming words, instead opting to smash her lips into his in a passionate kiss. It isn’t long before he is making his way back down to her neck again to mark it with red bitemarks and bruises.

“What if someone hears us?” She manages to choke out between gasps and quiet moans. He smirks, the heaviness of his breath on her ear as he moves to speak.

“Isn’t that part of the fun? Besides, the music is way too loud for anyone to suspect anything.” Guiding them backwards they both fell into the bed with him hovering over her. He lifted her shirt over her head, nibbling and kissing the now exposed flesh of her chest to make his way down to her pants.

“Jeff.” She begged. For what she wasn’t quite sure, but with her high kicking in and the arousal of having him so close to somewhere so intimate clouded her judgement.

“Please.” He obliged, pulling down the garment to join the rest, chuckling when he sees the wet spot pooling in y/n’s underwear.

“And here I was worried you didn’t feel the same way.” He traces his index and middle finger up and down her clothed slit in slow, calculated ministrations.

“Shut up.” She bit her lip to stifle her moans when he moved her panties to the side, inserting a finger with his thumb circling her clit.

“You’re so wet for me. I don’t even really need to really do this.” He curled his finger to rub that spongy sweet spot repeatedly, adding a second soon after causing her to let out heaving moans. He listened to the squelch coming from her lower region with a quirked brow and y/n couldn’t help but cover her face in embarrassment.

“Come on baby~ It’s sexy seeing you so sensitive from just my fingers.” He leaned in until his lips were millimetres away from the shell of her ear.

“Imagine how you’ll be once you take all of me.” He practically growled in her ear and she clenched around his fingers

“I don’t want to imagine. I need you inside me.” He pulled out, leaving her empty and he placed them in his mouth, curling his tongue around each digit to taste all of her.

“But I'm not done playing yet, doll.” He moves off the bed to take off his hoodie and jeans, the bulge in his pants painfully obvious, even more apparent when he was only in his boxers.

Y/n crawled over to meet him at the edge of the bed, looking up at him innocently as she runs her hand up and down his hip and thigh.

“Please, I'll do anything you want.” Her hands were already holding the waistband of his underwear, pulling them down. To reveal more and more of him.

“Just give me your cock.” His mouth hung open as he took in the sight below him, allowing her to fully uncover his length. Placing a hand to her cheek, guiding her to take his length.

“Then suck.” Wasting no time, she licks a stripe up from his balls to his tip then moves to take him in. He groaned at the feeling of her tongue playing with the tip whenever she came up, teeth grazing him.

“S-stop teasing. I thought you said you would do anything. That means even this.” He grabs the sides of her head and shoves her down until she took all of him down her throat. She gagged, pushing at his thighs helplessly.

“I thought you wanted to be my little fleshlight?” He pulls her hair so she is making eye contact with him. His aura changed, what was once soft and loving had been replaced with something more sadistic. In a normal setting, this would be terrifying but his unpredictable expression only enhanced the arousal from their current act.

He fucked into her throat in slow, deep thrusts, grunting and hissing at the intense pleasure.

“As much as I love how your mouth feels, I’d rather cum inside That pretty pussy of yours.” He reaches behind her, unclipping her bra to play with her breasts, kneading them in his hands then pulling out of her mouth shortly after, a string of saliva connecting them to each other. He crawled over her, leaning her back onto the plush mattress.

“Say you want me.” He lined his cock at her entrance, nuzzling his face into her neck. Y/n wrapped her arms around his neck and legs on his waist.

“Jeff… I want you. I need you more than anything.” He tightened his grip on her sides and eased into her wetness with a breathy moan. He waited to move, noticing Y/n’s gritted teeth and tightening grip.

“You feel better than I ever imagined.” It took everything for Jeff to stay still. His cock twitched just from being inside her, soaking in the feeling of her tight walls squeezing him as she tried to adjust.

“Move” she bucked her hips to meet his in an attempt to create some friction. He happily obliged and began moving at a rough, slow pace. He took his time with each thrust as he tried to commit every way she squeezed him or rubbed him just right to memory. Every one was filled with devotion as each slap of skin on skin echoed along walls and into their ears, moans escaping their mouths, nearly masking the sound of the night stand drawer opening.

“Mine. All mine.” The grip he held against her hip was sure to leave a bruise, but that thought was secondary when they felt the familiar cold sharp object dancing up and down her side.

“It's been a while since we’ve been in position, hasn’t it?” His voice, although playful, held something else that teetered on unstable, something that could snap should anything give him the reason to. But he wouldn’t hurt her, would he? Every few passes he would press hard enough to scratch the skin or thrust a little harder than usual to draw blood. The anticipation and fear tightened the knot building in the pit of her stomach along with each movement he made.

“I can't believe we’re so close now. We’re practically one.” The knife trailed down to her thigh, staying there although moving as if in contemplation.

“Mind, body, and soul.” He moaned at her words, hips sputtering at their pace.

“Shit Y/n I’m gonna cum.” He began thrusting faster and uneven, biting down on her shoulder moaning as he released inside her. The warm, full feeling pushed her past the edge.

“Jeff!” She screamed his name like a mantra, over and over as she spasmed around him. They stayed like that for a few moments, catching their breath until he pulled out to lay beside her, wrapping her in his arms”

“You know, you were actually really sweet tonight.” She said, still panting slightly. He looked over to her and stuck out his tongue with a smile.

“Yeah, but it’s not like anyone’s gonna believe you if you mention it.” He places a kiss on her forehead.

[suguruverse]

omg hi, sweetheart!! I binge-read your writings and it's wonderful!! may I request the tiktok prank wherein you play the audio "hey shawty, your man still around?" with Kuroo, Iwaizumi and Sakusa! if it's too much, you can disregard this ask!

thank you for your amazing writings, love you darling!! have a great day <33333

— PRANKING HAIKYUU BOYS WITH “HEY SHAWTY, YOUR MAN STILL AROUND?”

includes - kuroo tetsurou, iwaizumi hajime and sakusa kiyoomi

a/n - ahh i love tiktok pranks so much so i hope you enjoy this one <33 also contains mildly suggestive content except for sakusa!!

 ੈ✩‧₊˚ KUROO TETSUROU

- he’s not fazed when your phone starts ringing, he knows how much you love calling your friends after all

- except when its a mans voice that comes from the phone

“hey shawty, your man still around?”

- mans whips his head back towards you so quickly that you think he’s twisted his neck

- don’t get me wrong, he trusts you 100% but from what he knows, you don’t have many guy friends

- he was frowning and pouting at the same time so you couldn’t help but burst into a fit of laughter

- is super confused at first then he recognises the voice from the tiktok sound

- he definitely knows this trend but he didn’t realise because he was hurting a little bit

- at first, you were totally smug with his initial reaction, but now he’s staring straight into your soul with a smirk

- yeah you’re in trouble

- so you do what any rational person would do in a dangerous situation

- run. 

- and that’s what you do

- he finds your face of panic adorable and immediately starts to chase you until you lock yourself in the bathroom

“kitten come on out. i won’t bite... unless you want me to”

ੈ✩‧₊˚ IWAIZUMI HAJIME

- yeah this mf does not have tiktok and finds it completely stupid

- so you thought this prank would be perfect for him

- spoiler alert! he doesn’t

- you were both in bed when you decided to start this prank

“hey shawty, your man still around?”

- yep, he’s pissed

- he’s 99% sure he’s been an amazing fucking boyfriend to you and now you’re just replacing him?? nahhh

“what the fuck?! who the hell is that? oi fuckface, her boyfriend is here and if you even think about tou-”

- he tries to grab your phone and was only met with his reflection

- he’s confused and furious to say the least

- 10/10 offended and hurt 

- then your small giggles makes him face you and he’s quick to grab your wrist and trap you between his arms

“haji, i’m really sorry, i didn’t want to do the prank but it was tooru’s idea”

“i don’t care if it was shittykawa’s idea. doesn’t mean i’m gonna go easier on you tonight. i can’t have you leaving me, can we?”

- got a wheelchair? no? get one. you’re gonna need it

- he also definitely pranked you back. and he hates pranks

- that’s how much you pissed him off

ੈ✩‧₊˚ SAKUSA KIYOOMI

- disgusted™

- how you ended up dating him? no clue, but you did it

- just because you’re dating him, does not mean he’s gonna deal with your stupid pranks

- this man radiates ‘idgaf’ energy

- so you thought that he would have a really bad reaction when you do this prank

- hehe you were wrong

“hey shawty, your man still around?”

- he honestly just looked at you like you’ve said the most stupidest thing ever

“tell whoever you’re on the phone with that they’re welcome to take you if they want”

- now you’re the one who’s offended

“omi, what the hell”

“you’re the one who cheated on me first, why’re you acting all offended”

“because it was a prank omi”

“well how was i meant to know that”

- lets be honest, you’re the only person he actually enjoys being around so in reality, he was pretty hurt from the prank

- he knows he’s not the perfect boyfriend that you probably wanted, but he’s still trying his hardest

- he may not show it a lot, but he truly loves you so much you have no idea

- he has a lot of self-respect, and plus, he genuinely thought you were cheating on him

- so can you blame him for having that reaction? not really

“i’m sorry omi, i didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. i really am sorry”

- the creases in his forehead had gone away and he pulled you into a tight hug

“it’s okay, as long as you weren’t seriously, but next time, i won’t forgive you so easily, you damn brat”

[lucky-peoqle]

you're so shy, it's cute | c.g.

requested? : yes :D

@angie1djonasgg " Hi. Can I request something about season 4 Carl (I thought that was his cutest season in personality) I don't have a plot in particular I just would like that his "so" would be a some kind of shy person (the opposite to him) thank you very much!!! "

warnings : swearing ?

pairing : carl gallagher x shy!reader, platonic!gallagher siblings x reader :)

a/n : im rewatching shameless and i have muse to write finally so im getting through my carl/lip requests hopefully !!

you walked hand in hand with your now boyfriend, carl gallagher. you would have never in a million years thought you would end up with him, but somehow you did.

"you ready to meet my family?" he asked, looking over at you.

you shrugged, "don't you have other things to worry about? like you dying father or whatever?"

"he's doing... better. stop being so shy, grow some balls!" he chuckled.

"haha, very funny. i really want to meet them, i do! but i get so overwhelmed. it's hard for me carl, you know that."

"heh, yeah. sorry. whenever you're ready, okay?"

"yeah, yeah okay," you nodded with a smile.

"wanna go throw rocks down at the ducks in the pond by the park?"

"no, but i'll watch you and make sure you don't get in trouble fuckface."

he threw his head back and laughed, "oh okay, jerk off, since when did you use swear words? one day i'll get you to throw those rocks at the ducks."

"sure you will, i'd never hurt a poor defenseless animal."

and so you watched him throw rocks at ducks for about and hour or so, it started getting late, and cold so you decided to, not without carl walking you home and a kiss to the cheek.

the next few weeks, the two of you kept sneaking around. it wasn't really sneaking around, just making sure his family knew nothing about you.

you and carl were walking down a sidewalk on the south side, like usual when carl stopped you.

"so uhm, my brother, ian...," he said.

"yeah? what about him?"

"he sorta saw us when we were at the park yesterday? and he saw me kiss you on the cheek."

"he did?" you said quickly, eyes going wide.

"and word gets around in the house... they wanna meet you tomorrow night."

"carl! i can't! you know i can't!"

"come on y/n! you can, i promise you can. for me?"

you sigh, "okay. i'll do it for you."

"if it gets to be too much," he starts, "i'll walk you home."

"okay, when do you want me over there?"

"uhh, five? six maybe?"

you nod, "alright, i'll be there."

"aah thank you! thank you! thank you! you're the best! they'll love you, i swear," he says excitedly, kissing anywhere on your face, except your lips, you told him you weren't ready for the lips yet, besides you're only twelve.

you giggled, "yeah yeah, whatever. don't thank me yet."

the next day, you get ready for dinner with the gallaghers, putting on a nice outfit and doing your hair. you look at yourself in the mirror and sigh.

"you can do this y/n, it's time you finally meet them," you say to yourself.

you walk out of your room and down the stairs, "i'm leaving mom!"

you're mom comes out of the kitchen, looking you up and down, "aw! you look great! they'll love you sweetie, i know it!"

you nod, "i hope so, i'm so nervous."

"i believe in you hun, have fun!"

"i will!" you say, turning around and walk out of the house, making your way to the gallagher house hold.

you finally arrived and opened the gate, walking up the steps. you take a deep breath, lifting your shaking hand up and knocking on the door.

"i'll get it!" you heard a feminine voice from inside.

you waited a second before the door opened, revealing a women, probably in her early twenties.

"hey! you must be y/n? carl's told us all about you!"

you nod, "heh, really?" you ask shakly.

"yeah! please, come on in. carl! your girlfriend is here!"

she let's you in, and you hear running down the steps, two boys run downstairs, carl and a redhead.

"y/n! you actually came," he smiled brightly.

"i told you i would," you smile.

"so, you're y/n?" the redhead asks, "i'm ian."

"nice to meet you," you say.

"come on, food's almost ready!" you think is fiona says, leading you through the living room and to the kitchen, revealing another boy and a toddler.

"uh, hey... i'm lip, this little guy is liam," he says, looking over at you.

"i'm y/n," you say softly.

"jeez, carl, how did you manage to get a girlfriend? especially one like this?"

"what's that supposed to mean lip?" he says defensively, grabbing your hand.

"she's a good type of girl, all innocent and shit- gonna ruin her," he laughs.

"fuck off, she likes me, i like her. that's all that matters," he rolls his eyes, "i'm not ruining anything."

"taking things slow?" ian says, sitting down, beer in hand.

"uh... yeah i guess," you say, shrugging.

"you don't talk much, do you?" fiona says, starting to fill up plates.

"she's shy," carl says, taking a seat, patting the one next to you, you following his command.

"i never was around too many people when i was younger, made me shy around people i guess," you shrugged.

"she warms up tho, just look at us" he chuckles, lifting up you connected hands.

you nod, "yup," you smile.

the door opened up to reveal a couple, "hey gallaghers! who's this?"

"oh this is carl's girlfriend, y/n!"

"girlfriend?!" the guy says, "you're like nine!"

"i'm twelve, so what?"

"yeah okay, hey y/n, i'm kevin," he says, holding out his hand.

you reluctantly shake it, "i'm veronica, nice to meet you."

"nice to meet you too," she shyly smile.

a girl runs down the stairs, "why's it so loud? who the fuck is this?"

"y/n, my girlfriend," carl says.

"y/n? like as in l/n? how did you meet her? and end up dating?" she takes a seat at the table.

"tripped some kid at school and she yelled at me," he laughed, making the rest of the table laugh.

"atta girl," fiona says, rubbing your shoulder, setting a plate in front of you, "shape him up."

"yeah, you need someone like that," lip says, pointing at the young boy.

you giggle lightly, carl turning to you and whispering, "you're so shy, it's cute."

you turn a light shade of red and kiss his cheek, making him turn red as well, since half the table went "awwwwe".

"shut the fuck up," he says, rolling his eyes.

the whole table bursts into laughter, you joining them as well, finally warming up to these gallaghers you've heard so much about. you felt safe there with them. and with carl.

[strangerthings1975]

Not sure if I will word this properly but I’m wondering your opinion on people deciding things for characters (I’m not saying this how I want too so I’ll try to explain)

Like deciding characters are gay or bi or nb or trans etc like I get it’s all fun but I also see some people really against certain things I wondering if you think it’s all like a free for all do whatever as long as it’s not creepy or do you think there should be limits?

I get what you mean. :))

I really don’t mind what people choose to think about characters, but I get annoyed when they push it on others or expect the entire fandom to agree. I’m a very open-minded person, so I can always see some validity to most headcanons. But when people think their headcanons are just *canon*?? I’m like…no… Starting arguments over which character tops and bottoms or who’s a dom or a sub (if they are even either?) or who’s what sexuality or who has what kink or who has what neurodivergency…none of it can ever be confirmed as canon unless canon confirms it. 😅😅 (except height difference when you can literally see it with your own eyes)

Same with pairings/ships. I don’t care what people ship, and nobody has to like everything. But just leave people alone about it. So I really see no point in arguing. Just find fandom friends who feel similarly, and talk with them.

I mean one girl on tik tok suggested that listening to Djo’s songs and thinking of Steddie during them was wrong and offensive because it goes against Joe Keery’s intended meaning. And I’m like…lmao are you dense? People can interpret music and art however they want. Of course we know he didn’t make his songs for Steddie. 😅

So my summarized answer is: people can think whatever they want, but they shouldn’t force others to agree or diss them if they don’t. Like it’s alllll OPINION. It’s fandom and supposed to be fun. But people get so pressed—either turning into psychotic stans or fuckface antis. Just be neutral lmao. That’s what I do. I stay under my rock.