#like what if theres a program i need to use for school that only runs on windows (or runs more optimally)

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

theres a lot of different ways people have illustrated the greed and evil of billionaires from visual portrayals of how big a billion actually is to comparing their philanthropy and how much money they have to highlighting the sufferings of those theyve exploited, and theyre all great demonstrations in of themselves.

but one i dont see quite as often is comparing the charitable works of every day people to that of billionaires. i think part of it is that a billionaire can donate more money to charity in one click of a finger than i can in my entire life, but i think another part is a combination of not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth while also not wanting to rock the boat.

a great example of that is the fact that you cant criticise mr beast/jimmy donaldson without people pushing it aside with the notion of "hes helping people" or "the guy could cure cancer and youd find something to criticise about it", which are endlessly frustrating and engaging with your criticism in bad faith.

but outside of him, youll see versions of it across the board for any philanthropic rich person. people automatically assume your criticism is coming from a cynical point of view, and often that you dont ever take part in charitable acts yourself.

and it is endlessly frustrating to run into that attitude every damn time like youre a dog running into that same glass door. because there is very valid criticism to be made about it.

because most of the time, these people could use that money to make lasting structural changes. i mean, the UN estimates you could end world hunger with $6billion, but no billionaires attempted to. on a smaller scale, you can build shelters or youth hubs or rehab facilities, or you could invest in ongoing work to help people out of poverty or improve local education or help people get better healthcare. or even just put your money where your mouth is and financially back the people trying to make these structural changes.

but these so-called philanthropists dont because systematic changes arent what they actually want. theyre this rich because of the system.

and their philanthropy is a form of propaganda; they want you to think the system is unchangeable and that your only options for improving your life is working yourself to the bone or for some kindly rich person to take pity on you and just hand you the money you need. the system is fucked, but the rich are good people who just want to help. this isnt some hot take, ro ramdin made a great video about mr beast specifically regarding this sort of thing. müne cat also has a video about it which is basically a 30 minute rant from her stream.

i know why you dont see the comparison of billionaire philanthropy to every day charity that often, and its because you have to preface the entire thing with the explanation that i just had to make, because most people dont want to think further than "give money to charity is good". i think part of that is people not realising everything is political, but thats a discussion for a different post.

originally, i started writing this just to get something out of my head. two days ago, i asked my mom if she still had the trumpet i accidentally stole from school (long short story) because id been thinking about the fact like, i could flog that for £200 and £200s a good bit of money. during the conversation, it came up that one of our neighbours had bought an empty guitar case from a charity shop for a fancy dress party, and all thoughts of flogging it were suddenly gone from my mind.

because it reminded me that i could donate it to a charity shop or find a local musical program aimed towards giving poorer kids a chance to learn how to play an instrument. and like, how could i flog it when i could do just a little bit of good with it.

a similar thing happened with these big marvel pictures i had in my room as a teenager. idk how much money theyd go for but they werent cheap when we bought them. but then my mom found this local charity where you could donate items that theyd then auction off and that money went directly to the local foodbank, and so thats where they went.

and this isnt for me to be like hey how good of a person i am; i do not give a shit about that. its about the fact that this mindset is directly opposed to that of billionaires and to neoliberalism in general.

you cant earn a billion dollars by being a good person, we all know that. but i do think a great illustration of it is to compare those billionaires with the people who run your local food bank or run charity drives or the people who put free period products in public bathrooms or the local deli owner who lets unhoused people eat for free.

[kisswoshita]

every year that passes, i complete another year of living and most people see it as a good thing, but for me its not. mostly because i want to be a teenage girl forever, but also because theres this feeling and thought that tells me that theres something i need to complete before i turn 18. my life went down hill after 7th grade and i still cry about it because i lost my chance at being a normal teenager. i didn’t go to school for my 8th grade year because of how bad my depression was. i wanted to kill myself, but i didn’t because my heart had hope for something that i wasn’t aware of. after a while of my life slowly falling apart, freshman year arrives. what was i thinking knowing im going to start high school? i was scared, excited and nervous. i was feeling all kinds of emotions. i had thought that starting high school would make my problems slowly disappear. i would see all my old friends and make new friends along the way. id join clubs and actually start doing something with my life. “im finally going to get better this year” i thought, but it all just got worse. i stopped going to school for a long time. i left my mentally and emotionally abusive boyfriend, but then i realized how i lost such a big part of me when i was with him and it broke me so much that i couldn’t get my old self back. i cried every day and every night like it was a routine. i was all alone and had to get used to it. i shopped by myself, i walked by myself, i learned things by myself, i guided myself for a long time. later on arrives 10th grade, i still wasn’t going to school and after a few things that happened during freshman year (i only went for about two weeks) i decided to do homeschool so i enrolled myself in an online program and started doing the work everyday. i was getting better after time yet i knew my depression was still there, it just wasn’t as bad as it was before. i learned a lot of things about myself, i made a few friends and reconnected with old ones. i did a lot of things throughout that time. theres still so many things i haven’t mentioned here, but thats okay. i graduated early, at sixteen, in 2023. i was happy that i didn’t have to worry about school anymore, but there was no ceremony since it was online school. yeah maybe it may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is. i always wished for my family to see me walk down the stage and i dreamed of doing it with the girls that have always meant so much to me. it never happened and i wish it did. i wish the things that happened in 7th grade didn’t happen to me so i wouldn’t have gotten severely depressed. i never went to homecoming yet i always wanted to and i most likely wont ever be able to experience prom. i don’t have any pictures of me with people because of how insecure i’ve always been. i lost my chance at being a normal teenage girl and i wont ever get that back again. thats why im gonna try to make the most out of being 17, but im losing hope. its not going well so far. i need to complete things this year. i need to get skinny and be pretty so i can be able to take pictures with friends and family and have pictures to look back at once im an adult. im running out of time and im afraid.

[haddonfieldwhore]

If you don't have too many requests at the moment, may I request Quentin's S/O helping him run away from his dad? I feel like after the freddy incident his dad would be more strict and controlling, to the point where it becomes almost impossible for Quentin to do anything without his dad's permission. And when his dad says that he needs to break up with his S/O, Quentin would be gone by sunrise.

i love the hostile energy towards his dad that lives on my blog. idk if this is headcanons or an imagine or what but i hope it’s what you were looking for! also i didnt edit this really lol so if theres any mistakes im sorry!! <3

cw. shitty parent lol

his dad has never been the most involved in his life, and rather than being more nurturing and trying to be a better parent after badham preschool, he distanced himself from quentin even more

after the events of the movies, he feels like he failed again to protect his son, so i agree that he would be stricter and more controlling

quentin isn't a pushover, and we've seen that he isn't afraid to talk yell back at his father. but i feel like he's just tired of it after all these years, and i feel like after freddy comes back they argue even more since quen is so angry

slamming doors and yelling can be heard often when they’re both home, so quentin starts to leave early for school and stay out later, usually with you or at your place. when his dad really pisses him off, he will just leave a note that he’s spending the night at your place (it happens at least once a week)

so when his dad tells him that he doesn't want him to see you anymore, he is livid, you’re all he has left. he signs quentin up for volunteering and extra curriculars through the school so he has no time to see you, and takes away his car keys

quentin is visibly miserable because of it. he can’t take being away from you this much, only seeing you in the halls and the few classes you have together (and when you sneak in through his bedroom window)h

a week away from his 18th birthday, you suggest that he just runs away, and comes to stay with you at your house. he says yes before you even finish asking 

his dad is furious when he comes home, quen having skipped his after school programs and getting a ride home from you to pack up his things. his dad tries to stop you but it’s no use. no way in hell is quentin gonna put up with this bullshit anymore, and if his dad does/or says anything bad to you? his dad is as good as dead to him

he settles in fast at your place, having spent so much time there already. your family loves him (who wouldn’t) and the only time quentin has to see his father is at school. his dad got the message that there is no separating you two, especially since you’re basically adults now

eventually, you graduate high school and with money saved up from working at the diner or wherever in town, you two move out on your own into an apartment, and never have to worry about his bitchass dad ever again <3 

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s son (Part 1)

Tony Stark x son!reader

warnings:

a/n: me and noah are abt to blow ur minds lmfaooo -> takes place around the same timeline as the daughter!reader ones aka y/n was born in 2000

prompt: i had to

part 2

the world was raving over this billionaire playboy’s newest title: father

and boy, did the headlines get interesting

among your favorite magazine covers, your all-time favorite was

Tony Stark: World’s Most Eligible DILF

^accompanied with a picture of your dad holding you

(tony stark’s superpower is being a dilf, it’s just a fact ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

“look at us, kid. that’s me and you! wow! you make me look magnificent”

*babbling*

you were so...boring to him

like tony watching you was wonderful, he absolutely adored having a kid to take care of...but babies don’t do much of anything

rhodey came to see you every chance he got

“rhodey! what’s going on?”

“i’m not here for you, i’m here for the baby”

ouch....

rhodey was a fuckin awesome uncle

one of the only level-headed people you could call family

back to dad:

“hey, little guy, what’s up? any baby-things you wanna do today? anything on your mind?”

he really wanted you to speak to him

your first word was “duck”

he’s pretty sure you meant “fuck”

“love this kid!”

who wouldn’t?

“let’s play ‘superman’” he runs flies you around the house

he talks abt single dad things to get women to swoon over him

tony always has baby food stains and spit up all over himself

YOURE SPOILED

he has a separate garage for those tiny drivable cars that kids can vroom in, you know what im talking about

“god, you’re gonna be so cool when you grow up”

tony stark is a rough-and-tough dad

loves to get wild when it’s playtime

“y/n, catch!” *ball hits you in the face* “alright, not an athlete, that’s okay”

“i’m good!”

tinkering in the workshop with dear ol’ dad

“alright, sport, what’s your million-dollar idea?”

“a car that’s powered by water”

“i knew i shouldnt have let you watch that 70s show”

you actually did become a handful growing up

if tony didn’t want to Dad(tm) for a few hours, he’d make happy take you to chuck e. cheese

“buy the kid as many tokens as he wants, it doesn’t matter”

tony would either take a long, much needed nap or work until he crashed

one time he heard you blasting black sabbath in your room and opened the door to see you playing air guitar and he shut the door and cried

so proud

you wanted to go to school but you were a budding genius so he wanted to teach you himself

this would be around the time that tony went missing

which was traumatic for you and it didn’t seem like anybody cared

pepper was your godmother so she had to take care of you while he was away, but she was super busy and emotional about the whole thing

happy and pepper honestly acted like divorced parents shuttling their child back and forth

“it’s your day, happy! pick him up, i have to go to work!”

but eventually, tony found his way back to you and you cried really hard and there were snot bubbles and he tried to lighten the mood with jokes and he was like

“hey, i brought you some sand from my vacation!”

sir,,,, please

this mf started making a suit of armor and you didn’t think a thing of it

“can i help? can i help? can i help?”

lab assistant y/n reporting for duty

“sure, junior. grab me that screwdriver”

“flat or philips?”

“lets try flat, i gotta wedge this thing apart the old fashioned way”

you were learning so much

and he was really supportive of any idea you pitched

“we can give that a try, no problem!”

you hacked into the avengers initiative files bc you were curious about what agent coulson had to say

“dad, you would be such a cool superhero!”

“are you saying i’m not a superhero already? hellooo, single dad?”

“you’re not single! you have pepper!”

“dammit, you’re right i cant use that line anymore”

you started to DREAM of becoming an avenger

you thought you’d be able to get an in if your dad committed to it

“my dad’s an avenger” -you to everyone when youre trying to threaten them

“so, mr. fury, when can i become an avenger?”

“how old are you?”

“i’ll be 13 real soon”

“ask your dad”

honestly tony liked the idea of a father/son superhero team

but in practice?

“hey, y/n, sorry if i don’t tell you this enough, but i love you”

“love you too, dad”

the avengers seemed to enjoy your company

you still radiated stark energy, so that really hurt your likable-ness

“c-can i get your autograph?” -you to captain america

“not you too!” -tony

“shhh, dad, i’m talking to a celebrity”

tony is majorly offended

soon the avengers were your family, which was odd to get used to

lots happens in your life, that was for sure

every time you turned on the news it was something about an avenger

“dad...cnn says steve is a fugitive”

“sucks to be him” *eats toast*

tony makes u breakfast special :)

“want a pop tart?”

“sure...yeah, nat’s a fugitive too, it seems”

“she’ll be fine”

avengers tower was pretty cool, you and thor played ping pong together when you were there

“thor, if you use mjölnir as a paddle again you’re gonna kill me with a ping pong ball!”

you hung out at the malibu house a whole lot

theres a framed picture of the “Tony Stark: DILF” magazine cover on your wall

your friends were other rich kids

“y/n, you know all your friends are douchebags, right?”

“i am well aware”

you threw parties at said malibu house when tony and pepper were gone

“sir, there’s a disturbance at your home”

“which one, JARVIS?”

“malibu”

“shit, y/n’s there! what’s wrong?”

“see for yourself” *pulls up cameras*

“are you kidding me, JARVIS? you think i care if y/n’s trashing the house? you had me thinking he was being attacked or held hostage or something, jesus”

you programmed “the panic protocol” into JARVIS’s system without tony knowing, which can sense when tony has anxiety/panic attacks and figure out how to calm him

JARVIS sends you a notification if you aren’t in immediately vicinity, then he troubleshoots to find the best solution for tony until you can help

either music, counting, breathing reminders, water reminders, etc

“dad, everything alright?”

“im good, son! real good!”

eventually you found a good excuse for getting a suit

“dad, i think terrorist attacks warrant a need for armor...for my protection!”

“fine, we’ll develop a suit for you”

“no need! i already engineered one while you were busy, it’s downstairs”

“impressive. you’re grounded”

“nooo! unground me please!”

“fine, ungrounded”

youre one foot in the door becoming an avenger

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[queenofthefallenangels]

She’s Mine Part 2

Jon Moxley X Reader

Rated M 

Warnings: I don’t think theres any for this chapter

Chapter Summary: After breaking it off with Jon, she reflects on her relationship with Kenny and how it all  started  with Jon that fateful night. 

Tags: @abadamn​ @hotyeehawman​​

The next night was the show. I always got their early and ended up staying late most show nights. I would be on my feet endlessly trying to help people and making sure that no last minute changes needed to be mad. I worked very hard at my job especially seeing how I was lucky to even have a job here. I needed to keep that job here. I had been worried about losing it ever since the affair started with Jon especially since Kenny was the one that got me the job in the first place. 

Kenny and I met while he was in Japan wrestling and I was in school on a forgein exchange program in Japan and my roommates had talked me into going with them to one of the wrestling matches. I had very little interest back then in wrestling. My roommate told me that Japanese wrestling was nothing like American wrestling and she thinks I would love it if I gave it a chance. She was right. I adored wrestling as soon as I saw it the first time. After I came home from the first time seeing it, I began to do tons of research on the different types. I had become obsessed going to a match every night that they had one. 

That was how I met Kenny. Kenny was wrestling one night when I was in the front row. He had done a high dive onto the person outside of the ring. Only, he missed his mark and went flying into me. He knocked me off my feet in more ways than one.

Medics took me behind the scenes to get checked up on as the matches resumed. They were going to take me to the ER, because it looked like I had gotten a concussion. I had no friends with me because for some dumb reason I went by myself tonight. Everyone else was busy with school work, but I had made sure my schoolwork was done before I came here tonight. 

Kenny had heard that I was back here and came rushing back there to make sure I was okay. He said he felt horrible for the botched move he did. I am not exactly sure what I told him, but my memory is hazy from that night, but I remember him there. I remember him deciding to come with me because I had no one else to go with me. He waited in the waiting room while they looked at my head and made sure I got home okay. 

“You know, a girl like you shouldn’t be out here alone.” He had told me while we were outside my dorm room. 

I shook my head, “I should know better, but I really wanted to see the matches tonight. I didn’t think I would actually be in the matches.” 

He smiled and chuckled softly at my joke. “You are really a dedicated fan.” 

“Yes, I guess I didn’t grow up with wrestling like my roommates. I want to see what I missed all these years. I really love it.” 

He nodded and leaned in, “You know, I have to say, you are the cutest girl I have ever fallen on while doing that move.” My cheeks darkened as the blood rushed to them. Was he actually saying this to me? I couldn’t believe my ears. 

He slipped me a number into my hands before kissing my cheek. “I hope your boyfriend doesn’t mind me doing that.” 

“I don’t have one.”

“All the better.” He said with a sweet smile before he left me standing there. 

I texted him the next day, not even waiting as long as everyone told me to. He asked me out to dinner to make up for the concussion and I agreed. Just like that the rest was history. 

Kenny and I were really happy together. The hardest part used to be the long distance we had while I finished school and he traveled. He wouldn’t let me quit though. He said it would all be worth it some day. He made that promise to me and it seemed like it was fulfilled when he was able to get me a writing job with absolutely no experience in writing. He made sure that we would never spend days apart like we used and everything was perfect or so I thought. It wasn’t until the night that he won the belt from Jon Moxley. 

---

I was running to go congratulate Kenny on winning the belt when someone stopped me in my tracks. It was Don. He was part of Kenny’s new gimmick to help merge some people with impact into AEW. I had met him once before and he rubbed me the wrong way. He really did now with his hand in the air stopping me. “Kenny is busy right now.” “He can’t be too busy for his girlfriend,” I said crossing my arms. Kenny was never too busy for me. He always made time for me. Don scoffed and rolled his eyes, but let me pass through anyway. I smiled as I passed through and saw Kenny sitting there. “Kenny,” I said, opening my arms with a hug, but he didn’t hug back. “What’s wrong?” 

He didn’t look at me. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong, she asks. Like you don’t know what’s wrong. You have still been helping Jon write promos.” 

“He just asks me to go over a few things with me. Just like some of the other guys do. Adam still does at times. Jon basically writes his own and just asks me how it sounds. I don’t see the problem.” 

“The problem is, girl,” Don interjected. “Where do your loyalties lie?” 

“Excuse me?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at Don. “I am doing my job. It is the one that you wanted me hired on for, Kenny,” I pointed out. “I don’t get what the big deal is about me working with Jon or how it is any different from any other guy on the roster.” 

“Little girl,” Don started, but Kenny stopped him. 

“Let me talk with her about it alone.” He said as he took my hand and led me to the corner. I bit my lip. I didn’t like where this was going. Kenny never had a problem with me working around other men before, so why now? Why Jon? It couldn’t be just because they had a rivalry on the show. That was planned to be over soon.  

“I don’t want you helping Jon anymore. He can do great promos on his own. We are supposed to be against each other. It looks bad with you helping him if others see that they might think something of us up. Besides, he might be using you. You know, as a way to get into my head. He is just using you to get to me. He might think that he can use you as a way to get me jealous or something stupid like that.” My mouth dropped at his words, “What, you don’t think he would actually ask for my help otherwise?” I couldn’t help the small tinge that his words made me feel. Kenny shook his head, “You're a great writer in all, but he has said a million times he doesn’t want writers' help with his promos. Why would he pick you out of all the writers to help?  I think it’s better if you stay away before you end up getting hurt in this mess.” 

I shook my head. I didn’t want to believe the words he was saying. Jon treated me like a friend. It was no lie, I had been a huge fan of his when I found him during my research of the WWE. I might have developed a small crush on him. The fact remained he was married and I was with Kenny. It was nothing more than a harmless friendship where we help each other. “I don’t think Jon is using me to get to you. Maybe he is actually genuine. Maybe he actually likes my writing.” 

“That man doesn’t have a genuine bone in his body.” Kenny sneered. “Whatever he made you think is a lie.” “Why are you acting so jealous, Kenny?” This wasn’t like Kenny at all. I didn’t know what was going on here, but whoever this man was it wasn’t Kenny.

Kenny cocks his head to the side, “Is there something I need to be jealous of? I am just trying to protect your feelings here. I know what a big fan of his you were and it's easy to get caught up in, but is there something I need to be jealous of now?” His eyes darkened a bit as he looked at me. “

“Of course not. He’s married.” I snapped. “Why do I need protecting? I can take care of myself.” “I don’t care if he’s married or  not. If there is something I need to concern myself with tell me!” Kenny hissed. 

“No, Kenny, you are acting ridiculous.” This was so out of character of him to be like this. He never cared who I was around before. I could be around tons of different guys and he never cared. Why now? And why with Jon?

“I gotta have you on my side, (Y/N),” Kenny told me. “You’re my number one girl and I want to show you off. I have plans of you coming out with me on stage.” He wrapped his arm around me. 

“Why?” I asked. He had never wanted me part of his act before. Why would having the belt make any different. I looked down at my outfit. I wasn’t exactly wearing something you could go out on stage with. It was office casual at best. “What would I wear?” 

“Don,” He called Don back. “Show her the outfit.” He said snapping his fingers. Don nodded as he pulled out the outfit. My mouth dropped. It wasn’t a bad outfit by any means. It just wasn’t..something I would wear. It was a tight black dress that was very short with black sparkly pumps.

“Uh, babe, I like it, but it’s not something I would wear.” I said biting my lip. Heels and me had never done good together and that dress was so short. I was nervous that I was going to embarrass myself on national tv. 

“Come on, you will look great in it.” He said with a smile. “Go try it on for me.” 

I sighed and did that to make him happy even though I was not in this dress at all. I did my best to walk in the heels but my ankles bent all around in them. It was not comfortable at all. 

Did I wear it for Kenny that Wednesday night? Yes, of course I did. I allowed him to show me off as well like I was some trophy wife with his new belt. I didn’t know who I hated more, the belt or Don for changing Kenny. Kenny never cared what I wore. He never wanted me to dress up so he could show me off. He was proud of who I was and wouldn’t have ever made me wear that dress. 

I left Kenny in catering to go get some air after his bit with the belt. I leaned against the wall and slid my way down to the ground, kicking off my shoes as I did. I didn’t mean to start crying. It kind of just happened. Kenny was acting like an asshole and I just wanted the Kenny I loved back. I would have been fine if this was just an act on stage, but he was changing off stage too. 

“Hey,” came a voice. I looked up to see Jon come out of a puff of smoke. “You know crying in the alleyway isn’t the best idea.” He said sitting down next to me. He let out a slight groan as he got down. I rolled my eyes at him. “I would hate to see what would have happened if it wasn’t me that stumbled onto you. Now, what's wrong, kitten?” He asked me. I don’t understand why, but anytime he called me kitten butterflies flew around in my stomach and a small smile came on my face. 

“Nothing, it’s just Kenny is being...an asshole.” I sighed. “He doesn’t want me working with you anymore.” Jon raised an eyebrow at me. “Why not?” He asked. 

I shrugged, “You are using me as a way to get in his head to make him jealous.” 

Jon let out a low chuckle. “Oh, wow.” He shook his head before taking another puff of his cigarette. “I didn’t know he thought that little of me. I don’t use people. I work with you, because you actually have good ideas unlike some of the other crap writers they got around here.” I let out a small giggle. “So, you aren’t using me?” I asked him. 

“No! I would never use someone just to make someone jealous and if I wanted to make Kenny jealous.” He looked over at me, but his eyes didn’t meet mine. They were looking down at me in the dress. “It wouldn’t have gone like that.” His eyes met back up to mine. “Besides, I think you need to reevaluate who is using who here. That’s a nice dress, but it doesn’t seem like you.” 

I shook my head. “No, I hate it. I don’t mind skirts or dresses, but I can’t wear heels and it felt like he was showing me off like a trophy. Like look guys, I have a hot young girlfriend you wish you had. I don’t like that side of him. He used to like me for who I was not because he could show me off.” I said letting another tear fall. Jon reached up with his rough and calloused thumb and wiped it away. “Thank you, Jon.” I said resting my head on his hard shoulder.

“For what?” He asked. 

“For being my friend and not using me.” I said. We sat there in silence for a bit before Jon spoke again. 

Well, he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Before I knew it his lips were crashing onto mine. I couldn’t believe it. My heart did somersaults as his scent hit my nose. Cigarettes and mint. A spark hit me as we kissed. Something I never felt kissing anyone before. That was how my affair with Jon Moxley all began. He kissed me in a dirty alley and after that we couldn’t get enough.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever cheated at a card game?

I probably have as a kid. I’m not one to get all super competitive like I wanna play for fun and how the game is meant to be played.

Tell me what colors you’re wearing right now?

Blue.

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend?

Yeah to like Dennys or somewhere close to us to eat. A few pancakes, coffee, or late night Taco Bell run were the best.

Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already)

I’m almost 33 so I’ve been an adult for awhile, but I definitely wasn’t the kid who was in a rush to grow up and yeah I still don’t want it take it back. Let me be a kid again.

Have you ever felt like your heart actually stopped?

Yes.

Are you a fast runner?

Not anymore but there was a time in what feels like a lifetime ago that I was. I used to have great upper body strength.

What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat?

ive never vowed to not eat something but theres a lot of foods that i dont like haha<<< Same. And foods I have no interest in trying.

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?

Yes.

Do any of your friends shamelessly burp or fart in public?

—

When was the last time you had a good cry?

I could use that. I want time alone, but that’s hard to do when you’re in the hospital.

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?

No.

Have you ever had a “thumb war” with someone? Yeah.

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

Yes. The worst was the one that made me over alcohol completely. It’s been like 10 years now, haven’t missed it at all. Not to say I never had a good time drinking, but honestly my main reason was cause that’s what my friends often liked to do and I chose to join in. I could have done without and been fine but I went along with it. That was on me. And like I said, we had fun. That’s the only time I drank, though, just socially.

If you need a job, will you take whatever you can get?

I guess it would depend on my situation. Ideally of course I wouldn’t want to just settle. I’d try to keep looking and figure out options.

Time goes by faster as you get older, don’t you find?

Yes.

Have you ever had a panic attack?

We’re well acquainted.

Are you deathly allergic to anything?

No.

Have you ever had a mouse in your house?

Gahhh, yes.

Do you know what you want for your dream house?

I just know I want a beach house.

Have you ever seen the movie the Notebook?

Nope.

If you download torrents, what torrent program do you use?

i dont download torrents anymore <<< Me either. It’s been several years now.

If you go to school, will this year be different?

I’ve been done with school since 2015.

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex?

Probably.

Are you able to count to ten in another language?

Yes, in Spanish.

Is there something you know you have to do, but haven’t done it yet?

I’ve put off too many things.

Is anyone you know really religious?

Yes.

Can you sing?

Nope.

Have you ever read “Gone With the Wind”?

No.

Are your eyebrows naturally thick?

Yes.

Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair?

I used to cut my bangs but that’s it.

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick?

I always got the worst anxiety and dreaded every presentation. No matter how many times I did then throughout school it didn’t get easier.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you felt, but never did?

Oh, definitely. That was usually the case.

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?

I don’t recall at the moment.

Do you check your email daily?

Yes.

Have you ever breathed in helium?

No, I’ve always been to scared to try lol.

Do you try to be confident and positive about your future?

:/

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself?

I’ve felt that way for a long time, but especially now. I had been so incredibly stupid and it cost me a lot.

Have you ever owned a garden?

No.

Who was the last person to text you?

My mom.

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?

Yes.

Do you ever find yourself trying to be the referee amongst your friends?

Yes.

Has a laptop ever burned your legs?

Actually, yes. I’m paralyzed waist down so I don’t feel my legs and I’ve made some mistakes of placing things not knowing it was too hot. I have to be really conscious of that.

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

My mom does.

Who was the last person to flip you off?

*shrug *

Are you doing anything the day after tomorrow?

Same as everyday.

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon?

Mine at the end of the month.

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes?

I have.

Do you make the effort to smile at people?

No :x

Are you good at following directions?

I think so?

Have you ever just screamed really loud in an attempt to feel better?

Tempting at times. I’m a writer, though. I need to vent and ramble and do so a lot better in the written form.

Are you in any way, still a child at heart?

Yes.

Quality triumphs over quantity, correct?

I think so.

Have you ever danced when there was no music playing?

Yeah.

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care?

Around my family.

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall?

No.

Have you received a text today that made you go “wtf”?

No.

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap?

No.

Are you even feeling the least bit tired?

I’m quite tired, but what’s new?

Is there currently any caffeine or alcohol in your system?

I wish I had caffeine. I miss coffee so much.

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?

I don’t care.

Are your biceps at all noticeable?

I have no muscle tone anymore.

Have you ever seen a walrus?

Yeah, many times.

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule?

I don’t follow any second rule if it falls on the ground I’m done.

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel?

No.

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

It says that on a lot of things. You’ll see the sign about cancer causing chemicals at various places, too.

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too?

Yes, I feel horrible. It hurts me to see others hurt.

Were you single last Valentine’s Day?

Yeah, and every Valentine’s Day.

Do you tend to jump to conclusions?

Unfortunately.

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays?

Yeah.

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing?

Yes, but I can’t. I’ll have to do it.

[tchallasbabymama]

M’Baku’s Love- Chapter 3

Let me know if you want to be tagged, and make sure you check out my masterlist HERE for chapters 1& 2 and my other stories. 

Also, just so y’all know, the last scene has paraphrased lines from the movie (which you should definitely go watch if you haven’t yet.)

Enjoy!

Word count: 2392

___________________________________________________

The day of the open house was upon them and M’Baku was more than excited to get to work with Monae some more. The workday crept by and as soon as the clock struck 5 he hurried out of his office and down the two flights of stairs to the arts wing. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going, but he followed the sound of drums coming from one of the rooms. He walked up to the door and peeked in, seeing Monae teaching a class full of children West African dance. He leaned up against the doorframe and took in her graceful form and mesmerizing hips. He could have stood there and watched her move forever until one of the kids turned and saw him off to the side.

“Hi Mr. M’Baku!”

Monae and the kids turned towards him and greeted him. Monae’s smile was the brightest in the room.

“Hello children, Miss Monae.”

She sent him a small wave as the children surrounded him, all talking at once and all wanting to show him their moves.

“Alright, kiddos, lets all show M’Baku what you’ve been working on before you get out of here, Ok?”

“Ok!” 

The drummers started back up and the kids started to dance, the looks on their little brown faces making Monae smile at their joy. She watched her students with pride as they finished the number and took their bows. She and M’Baku both erupted in applause.

“Very good, class! Ok y’all can go on home now. If you come to the open house make sure you stop by and say hi, Mr. M’Baku here is going to be my assistant for the evening.”

The kids grabbed their bags to head home, some of them stopping to hug Monae and M’Baku on the way out to their guardians. M’Baku was taken aback since he had not had enough experience around young children to know they have no concept of personal space. Monae laughed at the confused look on his face, a near permanent fixture he was becoming used to by being in this new land. He was just happy he could make her smile. 

After the last child ran out, almost tripping over her shoelaces, Monae introduced M’Baku to her drummers Kehinde and Rodney. They bonded for a bit before Rodney slid out of the way to let M’Baku play his drum.

Monae couldn’t help but move with the way he struck the beautifully made instrument.. Her feet and hips took on a life of their own and she let the beat carry her however it saw fit. M’Baku already thought her choreographed dances were beautiful, but this? Her natural movement called to him as he moved her body with each stroke of his hands. Neither one of them were sure how long they were going for, but Rodney had to clear his throat to break the trance.

“Hey so I uh, I gotta head out. Sorry to interrupt whatever that was.” He pointed between the two, obviously picking up on the chemistry.

“Yeah, no, y’all get outta here. It’s late anyway. See you tomorrow?” 

“Of course.”

“See ya Monae, byyyeeee M’Baku.” Rodney and Kehinde snickered as they left the room.

“So, what first?” M’Baku asked, still coming down from the high he just experienced with her.

“Woo, sorry, let me uh catch my breath real quick...you’re good.” She gestured towards the drum.

“So are you,” he gestured towards her body and she cracked a smile.

“I’m aware.” She walked around him to the other side of the room to start straightening up the space. He joined in and the room was spotless in minutes.

“So,” she clapped. “I figured since the kids love you so much you’d be great at keeping them busy while the adults talk to me. Nakia brought us a bunch of Wakandan children’s books, so how about you read to the kids? You have to do voices though, if you don’t do voices I’m putting you somewhere else.” She was dead serious.

“What kind of monster does not change their voice to read to children?” M’Baku asked incredulously.

Monae’s mind flashed to two years ago when she asked Derrick to do something similar at the after school program where she volunteered. He just read it straight like it was a speech, and the kids were restless. It was a nightmare.

“You would be surprised. Ok so take a look through these and see if any jump out at you,” she handed him the crate full of books and he thumbed through them.

“I do not see any Jabari books,” he pulled out a small notepad and began scribbling his thoughts down.

“You don’t use the beads like the others?” 

“I could, but it is unnecessary technology for the most part.”

Monae nodded, remembering that the Jabari preferred to live analog. 

“Let me run this by you real quick, and you tell me what you think,” Monae started as he turned to give her his full attention. “I have sooooo many Wakandan beads I need to get rid of, so how about I set up a jewelry station across the hall? Just some beads and string, nothing too fancy. Then over in the paint lab I was thinking of using these extra textile scraps and old magazines to make mixed media collages. For the last station I have like a million gourds for the kids to paint, and I figured they could do that next door. I have three volunteers set up at each station, so don’t worry, you’ll have help with the kids. I wouldn’t just throw you to the wolves like that.” She winked at him as M’Baku nodded along, processing everything she said.

“This is not my specialty, but that sounds like a good plan to me.”

“What is your specialty?”

“I am a man of many talents, as you can see, but I am a warrior above all else.”

Her cheeks felt hot as she tried to quiet the damsel in distress inside her brain. She cleared her throat and changed the subject.

“You mentioned that there aren’t any Jabari stories in here. You don’t have to use the books if you’d rather go off the cuff with it.”

M’Baku’s gap toothed smile shone through as his theatrical side woke up from its slumber. 

“You might regret that later.” 

______

The children loved M’Baku so much they barely touched the crafts Monae had set up for them. He regaled the kids, and the adults, with Jabari folktales about snowmen and giant gorillas and how the Jabari came to be.

“And then the Jabari left for the mountains. For centuries, the Jabari and the rest of Wakanda were angry at each other until-“

“Why?” interrupted a kid with his front two teeth missing.

“Well because the Jabari cared more for tradition and old ways, but the Wakandans wanted everything shiny and new. They argued so much they had to move away to keep the peace, and that is when Hanuman guided the Jabari to the mountains.”

“Who’s Hanuman?” asked a little girl with beaded cornrows.

“The god who guides and protects us.”

“My mama says theres only one god and his name ain’t Hanuman,” she responded with an attitude. Some of the parents and kids nodded along in agreement. 

“Well, you see, your mother is simply wrong-”

“Ok, that's enough for now. Let's give Mr. M’Baku a round of applause for storytime, huh?” Monae interrupted before things got too heated, and the crowd clapped for their griot. 

People wandered in and out of the room for the next couple hours, enjoying the crafts and M’Baku’s storytime. Monae kept everything running smoothly, including refilling M’Baku’s water bottle multiple times to keep his voice strong.  Shortly before closing time T’Challa wandered into the room and sat with the children listening to the same stories M’Baku had told so many times that night Monae could recite them herself. When it was over and the last guest had left the center all the staff and volunteers breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I think that went well!” M’Baku said, his voice hitching from overuse.

“Drink some more. Oh yeah, they absolutely loved you. You know T’Challa recorded your dramatics while he was here? You could win a Tony with that performance.” Monae gushed, proud of her, uh, friend. 

“Who?”

“It's an award for stage actors. I’ll make you a list like the one Captain America had.”

“What sort of list?”

“Of pop culture and historical things you should know. He spoke about it in an interview a few years ago and I thought ‘that’s brilliant, I’d do that too’ but I never had the chance...until now.”, her excitement was palpable. 

“That is a good idea, I will have to commend him on that the next time I see him.”

Monae froze.

“I’m sorry, you know Captain America?”

“Well yes, he and some other Avengers have been to Wakanda a couple times.”

Monae was speechless. She’d had a huge crush on Steve Rogers ever since he defrosted.

“I- what’s he like?” she asked, barely forming words.

M’Baku found her obvious fawning amusing and wondered if this is how she would look if she spoke about him to others. 

“He is nice,” M’Baku said before leaning in a little closer. “Especially for a colonizer.”

Monae cackled and they continued to straighten up the room. Once the area was sufficiently cleaned for the night, the two headed out to their cars. Monae yawned as they packed her little electric car full of art supplies.

“It seems it is past your bedti-” he was cut off by the sound of his stomach trying to climb out his body. “Well, then.”

They broke out into laughter, only subsiding when her stomach answered the mating call.

“Would you like to accompany me to dinner? It will be my treat. I was planning on going to The V Spot for some more jackfruit tacos.”

“Mmm, they have these vegan nachos that I would sell my arm for, but I’m so tired I’ll probably fall asleep on you. Next time?” she sent him an apologetic grin. 

“Next time it is, then.”

Monae turned to get into her car before stopping and turning back around to face him.

“You know what? I think I have one good hour left in me. Let’s meet there.”

_____

Both of them were too tired to speak, especially since M’Baku had done enough talking that night to warrant a week of silence. M’Baku paid for their food and they left, still in comfortable silence until reaching the sidewalk.

“Let me walk you home, you should not be out here by yourself.”

“M’Baku I can literally see my building from here.”

“And? Anything could happen between here and there. I would never forgive myself!”

The butterflies in her stomach were in full flight mode, and her face grew hot. She playfully rolled her eyes at him and turned away to mask her blushing face.

“Ok fine.” She said with faux reluctance. She wanted nothing more than to spend every moment she could with this man, but the ring weighing down her finger made it challenging. She knew she shouldn’t feel this way, but Derrick is always out of town on business and she can feel the relationship slipping away. Even before M’Baku swooped in, her feelings for her fiance had started to dwindle. However, she did enjoy spending time with M’Baku and she figured there’d be no harm in taking the short stroll between The V Spot and her place.

“So, which direction?” M’Baku asked and Monae pointed to the right before they slowly took off down the street, arm in arm, in silence once again before Monae spoke up two minutes later.

“Well, this is me.” 

They both just stood there, not knowing how to end the night.

“I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?”

“Of course...I will say though, where I am from when you walk someone home from a date there is usually a goodnight kiss involved.”

She was stunned at his forwardness, and she could feel her pulse all over her body.

“But I guess this was not really a date, huh?”

“Um, n-no. M’Baku you know I’m engaged.” She said, looking down.

“Yes, but do you?” his eyes narrowed and he tilted his head as stepped closer to her. She didn’t move away, so he took another step forward so that their bodies were almost pressed together. 

“It was date-like.” she conceded.

He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her in tight, closing the tiny gap of space left between the two of them. Her hands found their way to his chest and his other hand came up to tilt her chin upwards before he placed a light kiss on her lips and let her go. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked over his face. She took in his prominent brow and his strong jaw, his pillowy lips and his soft eyes. He was a giant wall of a man and she couldn’t get enough of how he felt up against her, 

“That’s it?” she teased before pulling him back and making him lean down into a deeper kiss. His hands rested respectfully at the small of her back despite his desire to explore her body more, and hers rested around his neck for the same reason. They broke away quickly when the door of the apartment building opened and an older man walked out with his dog, undoubtedly to go on a nighttime walk around the neighborhood before retiring for the night. He looked at them and shook his head before mumbling something under his breath about heathens. 

They looked back at each other and broke out laughing. 

“You should go,” Monae said softly while fiddling with his collar.

“I do not want to,” he whispered.

“I know, but-”

“You are engaged. I know,” he took her hand in his and brought it to his lips. “Goodnight Monae.”

“Goodnight M’Baku, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He waited for her to get inside before turning around and heading back the way they came to make the short journey to his temporary home. The entire walk back, he hummed along to an unwritten love song in his head with a goofy smile on his face. He could still taste her and, by Hanuman, he wanted more.

Next Chapter

[imagineabrighterworld]

Sunshine in the Night pt.2

Tokoyami x Reader pt. 2

For a whole four days, you honed all of your attention on schoolwork and getting accustomed to the layout of the school. It was fun to see the school grounds and what it had to offer each student! From it's training grounds, test run facilities, and an auditorium full of programs to simulate running businesses, there was no limit to what one could do! And to be honest, you were glad you had the opportunity to try each sector, it really helped you make up your mind on what course you wanted to be in. 

Not to say you had a solid plan. 

“I don't need to fight to help others, maybe I can talk to Recovery Girl about where she went to start..” You murmur under your breath as you wait for your lunch. It was a bit of a long line but it was well worth it! Lunch Rush was in charge of the food that came out of U.A. and no one thought to miss out on it.

But back to your plans.

Healing others was an interesting idea, and it was one you had thought through before. Your quirk was simple manifestation, one where you could create items at the cost of your stamina. This could include med kits and basic triage supplies. The only issue was whether you would be on the field or work in a more traditional setting such as a hospital or a school like Recovery Girl. But.. was it what you wanted? Was it something you were passionate about?

Your head lowers. “Why is this so difficult..”

“Tough time kid?”

Lunch Rush asks as he prepares your tray in the blink of an eye, already working on several others as you pick it up. 

“Yeah..” Maybe you could talk with your homeroom teacher about job counseling? It wasn't too bad of an idea to get more input. Speaking of which. “How did you know what you wanted to do?” 

His hands fly around as they move from tray to tray, twisting a bottle to grate pepper onto a neat pile of salad. “The smile on people’s faces as they eat good food is a feeling I've been chasing my entire life. It’s always called to me.” 

“Must be nice to know what you want. I never had that kind of feeling about anything before.” 

The hero chuckles, the sound echoing through his mouth piece. “I get it, but don't worry too much. You have years ahead of you for that kind of thinking. Here.” He adds a small serving of white rice to your tray, topping it off with a seaweed smiley face. “White rice makes for great comfort food, don't you think?”

It didn't help your decision making at all, but his attempt at being helpful did cheer you up a bit. “Thank you sir.”

“No problem kiddo.”

-  -  -  

With your lunch tray in hand you scour the lunch area for a table to sit at. Normally you sat with your friend Shinsou, but a familiar set of feathers set you on a different track.

“Tokoyami!” You exclaim excitedly. It was the first time you saw him in the cafeteria! Without having class together and with the giant school full of hiding spots, you hadn't seen him since the first day of school. By now you knew better than to lose track of him, so you lock on and slip through the crowd of students to get to him.

He stands confused at the doorway leading outside, Dark Shadow was nowhere to be seen, but you were certain you saw his shadow shift on the ground.

“It has been some time.” He bows his head. “How have you fared?”

“Good! Great I think, besides homework and all.” You notice his lack of a tray and quirk a brow. “Aren't you hungry?”

Tokoyami considers your question before shaking his head. “I do not feel the need to. I will manage the day without it.”

“You're joking.”

“Not at all.”

Needless to say, you shared your tray after failing to drag him into the lunch line. He was just a bit too heavy for it to be a one man job of pulling him, but you did appreciate Dark Shadow cheering for you on the sidelines. 

- - -

“So how are your classes? Are they fun?” You lean forward on your palm with your legs crossed you rest your elbow on your knee. No matter how many times you assured him you would eat after him, he forced you to finish your portion before he ate. Something about feeling an immense guilt over stealing your meal.

You blame it on capitalism. 

“They are as demanding as one might expect. Already I can see how they will shape our future lives as heroes..” He slows to a stop and casts a furtive glance at you while lifting his spoon to his beak. With hesitance, he continues eating. This, you could tell, was not out of a hatred of capitalism or corporate greed. This was shyness. You knew it well, having been quite the wallflower as a child before you realized life was too full and vast to live it under a blanket.

But you both were still new to each other, still getting used to each other’s presence and existence in the same universe. You knew it would take time for him to fully open up to you, you just hoped to be able to be a shoulder for him to lean on in this infinite plane of exist- aaaand you were monologuing. 

You? Monologuing? Wow, Tokoyami was getting to you already.

You smile at him before looking away. You pick up a clean napkin from your tray and begin to fold it into what you hoped would become a crane while running through your next words carefully. It wasn’t that you wanted to draw his attention to his shyness, but your want to grow closer to the boy made you bring the subject up. Better now than later.

“I don’t care how you look you know. You’re really smart and have a poetic way of looking at life. I admire you for it.”

He stops eating but you trudge on.

“Theres so much more to you that I want to learn. You're like a geode that I have yet to crack, I know there's so much potential and wonder in you. What I see now is just a fraction of what you are. And I'm willing to wait to see just how marvelous you are- not that you need to flash me- you know, in either way of speaking- you could flash me- I'm just going to shut up now."

Oh god, forget digging a grave, dug yourself a whole cememtary.

Did you push too far? You were only acquainted days ago, was it saying too much?

“You’re blunt, open and have no fears in expressing yourself.” He stares at the utensil in his hand. “You speak your mind, unfiltered in matters dear to your heart. That kind of courage is heroic, no?” He finishes with a small smirk. “You will make an interesting competitor for a spot in 1-A.”

Was he.. Acknowledging you?

"Was it wrong of me to say? It is true." He speaks in a calm tone, not rushed at all. He was comfortable.

"No, its nice. Thank you." You feel your face warm as turn to the side. "I kinda miss when you were the flustered one though."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Yup."

"Then I shall pay it forward." He splits the slices of apples on your tray and scoots them towards you.

Technically, the food was already yours to begin with, but it doesn't stop the smiles from growing on both of your faces as you finish your lunch in peace.

+ + +

Extra:

"So I guess we're friends now." You smile as you recount your lunch with Tokoyami to your friend next to you.

Shinsou glances at you, his pencil spinning between his fingers. "You told him you wanted him to flash you."

"I-"

"Mhm?"

"..."

He quirks a brow. A smug smile on his face.

"I can never see him ever again."

"Whatever makes you feel better."

[collegecoward]

Hey, so I graduated this past May and since then I've just been working 40 hours a week. I feel like I need to go to college to do something with my life but I feel like theres so much in my way and I havent done anything to even start and I dont have a clue what I'd want to do. I'm so unsure on how to do anything regarding financial aid or even applying to colleges. I'm also worried that it wouldn't work with my schedule for my job. I work 5 days with 2 off days and I'm on evenings so I feel like I wouldn't be able to balance work and school, but I would have to bc I'm my only financial support. Sorry for the dumping my problems, but any advice?

How To Do College 101

Congratulations on your graduation! Working a full-time job after graduation (during a freaking pandemic, no less) is no small feat either, and I applaud you for that, too. Once upon a time, I was like you: I didn’t know anything about college except that I wanted to go, and now I run a blog telling people how to go to college. College might be strange and unfamiliar now, but in time, you will learn how to do it! 

This might be my longest post, so strap in for a fun ride!! My answer comes to you in three parts:

How To Do Community College

How To Do University

How To Do Financial Aid

P.S. I’m going to say this only once, but feel free to ask why: Do not attend a for-profit college. Okay, now onto the basics!

How To Do Community College

I encourage you to read my Ode to Community College. Community colleges are real colleges designed for people who are low on funds, are working or have other responsibilities, don’t know what they want to study yet, and/or don’t know how college works yet.

Step 1: Applying

Community colleges accept anyone who applies, and the application is usually just like filling out a job application, but you will also need to send in your high school transcript, and I recommend sending any test scores. Your college may have you take a placement test to see if you’re ready for college. If you’re not quite ready, they may have you take some pre-college courses in English or math before you officially start a degree program.

Step 2: Choosing a Degree Program

Among other things, community colleges award associate’s degrees, which are essentially the first two years of a bachelor’s degree at a four-year college or university. You’ll take introductory classes like English, math, science, and social sciences, as well as electives (i.e. fun classes). Here’s a list of programs that might be offered at your community college.

Step 3: Taking the Right Classes

Make sure you stick to your college’s degree plan so that you take classes that 1) count toward your associate’s degree and 2) will transfer to a university. Most classes you take for an associate’s degree (AA, AS, or AFA) should transfer to a bachelor’s degree (BA, BS, or BFA) easily enough, but sometimes universities aren’t very transfer-friendly. The best option is to transfer to a university that has a partnership with your community college, which is information you should be able to find on your community college’s website. If your community college doesn’t have any partners, you’ll want to research the transfer policies at the universities you’re interested in and follow their guidelines on what classes to take.

Step 4: Transferring

In your last year of community college, you will apply to a four-year college or university for your bachelor’s degree. You’ll need to pick a major when you apply because for the next two years, that’s what you will be studying. Make sure you tour the university before you attend and get acclimated before your first day! 

How To Do University

Whether or not you attend community college for the first two years or enroll directly into a four-year college or university, you’ll want to understand how to navigate the basics as early as possible.

Step 1: Exploring Your Options

Use my Self-Reflection Toolkit and this quiz from Marquette University to explore potential majors. These are just meant to get you thinking and guide you as you learn more about yourself and your interests. This process will take time to research and figure out, and if you enroll directly into a four-year college you can change your major after you apply. As I mentioned, the first two years are mostly basics and figuring stuff out, so either way you have time. 

I was very bad at choosing colleges to apply to and applied almost at random. I learned a lot from those mistakes, and on my FAQ page you’ll see me trying to impart that wisdom on others. I recommend doing your research, going on virtual tours, and getting used to just looking at college websites, even if you don’t know what you want yet. Start by window shopping for colleges in your state and see what they have to offer you. College Board also has tools for finding a college that fits your needs. It’s worth starting as early as possible, and I know that you can do it. Like I said, I was really bad at it and I still made it through.

Step 2: Applying

Applying to a four-year college will take more steps than a community college application. Many colleges require letters of recommendation, essays, and application fees (look on their websites for fee waivers). More information is on my FAQ page, of course, but be prepared to complete these steps before application deadlines. Each college sets its own deadline, but if you want to go next year, you’ll likely need to apply by January or February. Applying can be daunting, but you will need to do it at some point, even if you go to community college first. 

Step 3: Finding Resources

Access any and all resources your university offers, which will include advising, counseling, career services, and more. The same is true at a community college, but I would argue it’s even more true at a university. You might find out about internships, research opportunities, fun events, and all that stuff that excited you when you saw it on your university’s website! Even if you don’t feel like you need resources, you’re paying for them, so you might as well use them! Often people won’t know how to help you unless you tell them you’re struggling, like how you told me what you’re going through and I wrote a post that’s turning into a short novel! (I’ll be done soon, I promise.)

Step 4: Taking The Right Classes

Just like at a community college, you want to make sure you’re taking classes that count toward your degree and interest you. Make sure you’re following the prescribed degree plan on your university’s website and communicated by your advisor. If you find that you’ve chosen a major that doesn’t fit your interests, make sure you speak with your professors, your advisor, and anyone else whose opinion you trust.

How To Do Financial Aid

Step 1: Understanding The Basics

There are three major types of financial aid: loans (money you have to pay back after you graduate), grants (government money you’re awarded based on your financial need that you don’t have to pay back), and scholarships (money from a college or other source that is awarded for any reason that you don’t have to pay back). Loans might come from the government, your college, or a bank. I recommend borrowing from the federal government because the interest is so low (basically, it’s cheaper to pay off than a bank loan).

Step 2: Filling Out FAFSA

If you want to go to college next fall, or if you just want to do a practice round, fill out FAFSA now. I’m assuming you’re under 24, so you will need your parents’ tax information even if they’re not going to help you pay for college. Filling out FAFSA will never, not ever ever ever require you or your parents to take out any loans. Rather, FAFSA gives you access to any need-based financial aid you might be eligible for, whether that aid comes from the government or not. Loans agreements are a totally separate form, and you can take some loans without your parents’ help. If you’re not eligible for FAFSA, check whether your state or college has its own FAFSA alternative.

Step 3: Reading Your Award Letter

After a college sends an acceptance letter, they will also send a financial aid award letter. The letter will show you how much you’ve been awarded in scholarships and grants and how much you can take out in loans from the federal government or the college itself. You should compare your financial aid amount to the total cost of attendance, will you can find on the college’s financial aid webpage. The total cost of attendance is how much it costs to pay for tuition, fees, housing, and a rough estimate of your other living expenses. Basically, it’s how much it costs to be a student for one year.

As you said, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to work 40 hours while maintaining good grades, so may need to be frugal and creative to fill in any gaps financial aid didn’t cover. Private colleges tend to have a really big “sticker price,” but may offer generous scholarships as discounts, whereas public colleges tend to be cheaper and may have (large and small) scholarships to help you pay.

Step 4: Applying

In addition to the scholarships that you may be automatically awarded if you meet certain criteria, your colleges may also have scholarships that you have to apply for by yourself. This information will be located on a college’s financial aid webpage. There are also scholarships from nonprofit organizations and businesses. Visit my resources page for info, ask people you know if they’re aware of any scholarships, ask your boss and coworkers, and ask Google for “scholarships in [your town].”

Okay, I threw a lot at you, but those are the basics as I see them! You can totally do this. It’s going to be a big learning curve, but the payoffs will be big. And you can always come back here for more advice and reassurance. I’m proud of you already for thinking of your future and doing what you can to support yourself and your learning.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 18 - Baseball with Mercedes Benz logo used by Chiba Lotte Marines.

K: This is Dir en grey's Kaoru with The Freedom of Expression. This program started...how many years ago was it now? 3 or 4 years ago?...on InterFM, asking questions about freedom of expession...with this theme we talked about current news stories each time. From there, we have moved over to Youtube.  There are maybe times when we talk about stuff that isn't really related to expression though..

J: There are.

T: Yeh.

K: I just wanna enjoy talking sometimes.

J: This program has a wide scope.

K: Yeah. Well, today, I mean, on the day of this broadcast, its the opening of the professional baseball season.

J: Oh, June 19th?

K: Yeh. At the point in time of recording this, we don't know exactly what will happen, but..at last baseball is gonna start.

T: And that means...? Kaoru?

K: And that means?

J: And that means?

K: What do you mean?

T: Your beloved Hanshin Tigers!

J: Oh, yeah, his Hanshin Tigers. How will your beloved Hanshin do this year?

K: Oh, they will win by a mile!

J, T: *laugh*

J: *laughing* We shouldn't laugh!

K: Hahaha

J: We really shouldn't laugh! We're so rude!

T: Its because he said straight away, 'by a mile!'.

J: Tell us your rationale for saying that, for saying they'll win by a mile.

K: Well...they're strong.

J: You could say that about anyone! *laughs*

K, T: *laugh*

J: Saying, 'They're that strong'...Yakult fans could say the same.

T: I'd just like to ask again, since when have you been a fan of the Tigers? Since when were you first aware of the Tigers?

K: How old was I?...I think I was probably in the lower grades of elementary school. As far back as I can remember really. My Dad played baseball in a non-professional team. So he had his uniform, and glove, and bat, and stuff in our house. I used to play with him, and he took me to watch games. My first time was at Nishinomiya stadium, I think...the Hankyu Braves. And after that, I wanted to see a game at Koshien.

J: Ehh, really? Oh, so you were going to stadiums from quite a young age?

K: Yeah.

T: How did it feel going Koshien and places back then?

K: It was kinda scary. There was a load of scary looking people there.

T: Scary looking people? *laughs*

K: Like really drunk people, and stuff.

J:Oh, all the hecklers.

K: The staduims didn't look as smart as they do now.

J: Ohh, of course.

K: They were kind of grubby.

J: So about Hanshin doing really well this year, they'll definitely win today's game? Where are they playing today?

T: Today is..

K: Against the Giants, right?

T: Yeah, the Giants.

K: At Tokyo Dome.

T: Their nemesis, the Giants.

J: The legendary fued between the Giants and the Tigers, right?

K: Well, yeah. For the opening match, Tokyo Dome is a bit hard going though.

J: I thought you just said they were gonna win by a mile?!

K: Hahaha.

J: Already thats not the case! 

T: He's suprisingly calm about it, right?

K: No, its just that at the moment, Tokyo Dome carries some not so good memories. I've been to watch them there many times.

T: Oh, right.

K: I don't have very good memories of it.

J: Is it bad?'

T: They'll be starting about now, at 18:00, won't they?

K: They will be, yeh.

J: Don't we upload this at 19:00?

K: Yeh, yeh.

T: Ahh. Oh, they'll be just about finishing the third round or so?

K: Ahh.

J: I see.

K: But they'll probably be hitting ???(バコバコ)*1. They might still be on the second round.

J, T, K: Hahaha.

J: Well, its good to think about it in a positive way.

K: Yeh, yeh, yeh.

J: What are the thoughts of our so called sports journalist about Hanshin's chances this year? *gestures to Tasai*

T: Well, as for me, Hanshin are..I was talking to my wife about this before, and despite being a really popular team, in reality, they rarely win.

K: Yes.

J: Oh, is that right?

K: They never win.

T: Yeh, yeh, yeh

K: They're weak, to start with.

J, T: Haha

K: I even imagine them as a weak team.

T: Yeah.

J: I see. So its not like they are famous for being a strong team like the Giants?

K: The Giants are invincible.

J: Well, yeah.

K: Its like they have to be strong.

J: Yeh, yeh.

K: Hanshin are like...even though they're weak, you like them, haha.

J: Hahaha.

T: So people used to say, Dame Tora!/ No good Tigers!' at one point and stuff. But, what is it? The mentality of Osaka people?

K: Well, even if they loose, it doesn't hurt very deeply.

J: Ahh, right. Unlike Giants fans, who would be hurt at even a small loss. Hanshin fans don't have such a weak heart?

K: We don't.

J: Ahh, amazing.

T: Its incredible, thier popularity. They are more popular than the Giants.

K: Yeh

T: The Sports newspapers down there, if they have like 8 or so pages, 4 or 5 pages will be dedicated to Hanshin.

J: Oh, that much?!

T: They even cover the minor team at Naruouhama, with their results and a comment.

K: The minor team is really well recieved, and everyone gets really carried away with it.

J: Hahaha.

T: Yeh, yeh, yeh.

J: Isn't that the reason they never get that strong?

K: Well, in the end, yes.

T: Hahaha. No, but they are talked about, even as the minor team.

J:Ehh

K: And with all these fans, theres kind of a supporters' association, and everyone gets full of themself.

T: Hahaha.

J: Oh, really? Kami is listening silently though. I wonder what he thinks. Don't gods know much about baseball?

Kami: No, no, I've been listening the whole time. But Hanshin are quite strong, aren't they?  I mean, they are not the best in Japan, but don't they often win? The league win?

K, T: No..

K: They don't.

T: Once in 1985, and once in 2000, that time with Lotte in the Japan series, and once at the time they changed over from Nomura san to Hoshino san.

K: Yeah, league wins.

T: Its only been about 3 or 4 times hasn't it?

Kami: When you say weak...well, they have gotten stronger recently, but I always think of the BayStars as the weakest.

T: Yeah, Yokohama never win either.

Kami: I didn't think Hanshin were that weak.

K: Well, overall, they are getting better. Like, thier average..the gap is closing.

T: Well, Hiroshima won three times in a row. The Central league is sort of bunched up like that. The Giants are just ahead.

J: Just a bit, right. Ahh, it exciting isnt it? How far will Hanshin get this year?! They'll win?

K: Of course.

J: They will win.

T: Should we make a promise to do something if they win?

K: If they win?

T: If they win...or if they don't win? But, they will definitely win, right?

K: Hmm..  *Everyone laughs*

J: Hang on a second, you started by saying they will win by a mile, and now 'Hmm..'. You're saying 'Hmm..' for 5 minutes.

K: Its because I don't know what will happen.

T: Well, yeah. You don't know whats gonna happen.

K: Well, its cause its an irregular season.

J: Well, of course.,

T: Yeah.

K: Cause its a tight schedule.

J: Oh, because its tight?

K: There are no inter-league games, and no All Star games. Im not sure how the climax will go.

Kami: Lets do something if they win.

J: Oh, yeh, if they win.

Kami: If they win.

K: If Hanshin win?

Kami: Yeh, if we did that, we'd be all looking forward, supporting Hashin.

K: Well, ok, if Hanshin win let's do an event on this program.

J, T: Oh!

J: What kind of event?

K: Well, im not sure, it would have to be next year, and I don't know if we could have guests, but lets do something like that.

J:Oh!

K: In that way everyone would be supporting right?

T: Yeah.

J: Shall we do a 'The Freedom of Expression' event?

T: "In celebration of the Hanshin Tigers' win!"

K: Im not sure we need such a crown.

J, T: Hahaha

J: Well, anyhow, we'll do an event.

K:Yeh.

J: I think we've created the motivation for people to support Hanshin with this.

T: Yes, its turned out well.

K: Like a live broadcast or something?

J: Oh, that would be good. Thats a good idea.

K: Well, ok, this isn't what we're supposed to be talking about today.

T: It wasn't supposed to be about Hanshin, was it?

J: Well, as today is the opening of the baseball season, let me share a piece of news concerning professional baseball.

This is the news that Lotte are using a baseball which features the Mercedes Benz logo. Manager Iguchi says, the Marines are at the top too! In the first game of this season at their  main stadium, the Zozo Marines Stadium, the ball they use will have Mercedes Benz Japan's (thier sponsor's) logo printed onto it. This comes to fruition as a result of thier manager Iguchi being a big Merecdes Benz fan. Iguchi said to his team on the 8th, 'Since I started playing professional baseball at age 22, up until now over 20 years later, I've always driven a Mercedes Benz. Just as these cars are admired from around the world, I want the Marines to reach the top this season.'

K: Yeah.

T: Its great, isn't it.

J: Eh, Tasai san, have you seen it?

T: I saw it earlier. Its stamped on about the size of a seal.

J: Is it small?

T: Well, its like 'Benz!'

K: I kinda want one.

T: Yeh, its cool, right?

J: So, it doesn't cause any obstacle when grasping the ball?

T: No, it doesn't. Its just the Benz logo.

J: I see. So its not like it catches on your fingers and effects your throw?

T: Well, I wonder..

K: It doesn't! It would be a problem if it did.

J: It would be problematic, right? But conversely, if you pay money, you can have this type of thing engraved on the ball. What do you think, Kaoru? What if you had the Dir en grey logo put on the ball in one of the Hanshin Tigers' official games?

K: Oh, I'd like that.

T: But I get the feeling that people would want to do that a lot with Hanshin.

J: I wonder how much it costs?

T: Probably a million or so yen. I don't think Mercedes Benz will be the cheapest either.

J: Thats right.

K: But if its on the ball, it won't be seen on TV right?

J: No, it won't.

K: So, you wouldn't even know about it,  unless it was pointed out. ???*2 Also, if the guy who gets a home run puts it on SNS or something.

T: Ahh, that would be ideal.

J: It would normally be plastered all over the fences of the stadium, wouldn't it?

K: Yeah, in the stadium.

J: But its kinda fresh, to put in on the balls.

T: Yeah, its cool.

K: On the balls?

J, T: *laugh*

K: ???

J: No, no, no. *laughing* ????

T: Joe san! Don't soil baseball like that! Its an untainted sport!

J:???*3

T: Yeah *laughs*, so you are tainting it!

J: No, but I really wanna put a Dir en grey logo, or a Tora no ana logo on one Hanshin's baseballs.

T: That would be good.

K: Noo, its impossible.

J: But didn't you do a collaboration with them before?

K: Oh, well that was just like an announcement, but this is totally a sponsor.

J: Well, yeah..right.

K: Right?..The amount of money..

J: Totally different right.

K: Yeah, its on a totally different scale.

J: Well, but I imagine professional baseball players seem tacky to Mercedes Benz.

K: Like a thugs or something.

J: Why do I think that, I wonder? Although they're all the same athletes, soccer players don't give off the same atmosphere to me.

K: But even soccer players seem like they are a bit artificial. They suddenly start dressing up, wearing brand clothes..

T: Yeah.

K: They get off planes, dressed up all smart and stuff.

J: They do, yeah.

T: But that might be the influence of Kazu (Kazoyoshi Miura) or Takeda san since they got into the J League.

J: For some reason, if you talk about fashion in the pro-baseball world, I always think of Kuwata san, for example. Also, Shinjo san (Tsuyoshi Shinjo). They have that kind of image. There's not that many..

T: Ahh, right.

J: Like I don't know many with a sense of fashion.

Kami: I think the same! Thats it. They have no fashion sense. They are not cool at all!

T: Thats right.

Kami: They are real sports people. Whatever they wear, thier muscles swell, it looks kinda wierd.

T: Yeh, yeh.

K: Well, yeh.

Kami: But when baseball players or even soccer players wear thier uniform, they look super cool!

J: Absolutely.

T: Ah, I see.

Kami: When they get off airplanes, I want them to wear thier uniforms.

J: Always in thier uniforms.

T: That would be good, yeah.

Kami: They would look so cool!

J: I see.

T: Well, they are professionals, baseball is technical job, they are the ultimate professionals. If you can play baseball, that is everything, I imagine. Thats my follow-up. 

J,K: *laugh*

K: Well, today, at this time, the game will still be ongoing.

J: Yes, thats right.

K: I'll be praying for an exciting baseball season.

J: And if Hanshin win?!

K: We'll do an event.

T: Pretty good.

K: Well, we'll finish here for today. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

J, T: Thank you. 

*1 バコバコ - Don't know what this means.

*2 Couldn't catch this.

*3 I'm not fluent enough to translate dirty jokes about balls XD Plus Joe is speaking too fast, and there is too much background laughing...thats my other excuse.

[moonvains]

How would you feel about writing a Nagito x fem!Reader where he has Hanahaki over her? I’d prefer angst with a happy ending but that’s up to you

Nagito x Fem! Reader - Hanahaki Disease

‘How would you feel about writing a Nagito x fem!reader where he has Hanahaki over her? I’d prefer angst with a happy ending but thats up to you’

Hello Anon !! I absolutely love this request, I feel like theres so much I can do with it y’know? I added my own twist that is very, very angsty, and made me cry once or twice. but hopefully, this happy ending will work in some ways - Mod Mikan

Italics = Flashbacks/Past

Standard = Present Tense

TW for accidental overdose scene and seizures

TW for emetophobia, goes without saying since I’m writing a hanahaki plot!

-----

It started with the hiccups, small breathy hitches in his chest, that felt like collapsed buildings and porcelain shards, it stung his throat. Nagito, most very naive, thought almost nothing of it at first. That changed, when he sat heaving and coughing over the fancy porcelain toilet at hopes peak.

As he sat there on his knees, sweat dripping from his head, a pain in his cheek and sticky palms wiped onto his dress pants, he cursed himself with his luck.

It could be worse, just a stomach bug, my luck has obviously changed..

That is what he thought, or maybe wanted to think. A thought deeply embedded into his frail mind every time there is a mild convenience burdening his way. Its just my luck.

Though, as he looked up, green eyes glossing over what would usually be a nasty sight of a quick snack.

Nagito saw flowers, ethereal, magenta roses, dainty petunias and elegant dandelions, floating in the water below him, almost as if they were dancing.

Once again, his breath hitched, though he wasn’t sure if it was from whatever this was. This wasn’t his luck, this wasn’t despair, this wasn’t hope. This was plain, lonely, one sided symptoms of something so delicate, something so sad.

Nagito met you on a summer day, a cool breeze blowing, his hair stuck to his lips like glue. Ultimate luck he guessed. The rest wasn’t important, it was forgotten, and it was irrelevant and it was stupid.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Nagito was stupid from the moment he ran into you, from the moment he brushed his lips against yours, and from the moment he looked into your eyes. he was stupid.

Stupid to think he, a disappointment, a burden, would ever be graced with something as angelic, gentle and kindhearted as you. He was right, he was really stupid.

It all made sense after you were taken away. The words still rang in his head, quite frequently

Nagito yawned, for a day where he had almost nothing to do, he was quite sleepy. He sat in class 1-A, it was Friday “study” period for class 77-B. Usually you would sit next to him or sleep on his shoulder, or maybe play video games with Chiaki. Though this time you were sick with a bad case of the flu, and he was bored shitless. He blew his hair off his face, only to watch it float back down, then he’d blow it up again.

This went on for about 15 minutes until he got a call, he wishes he didn’t get it, though knows if he didn’t pick up, it would’ve been worse.

“Nagito.. I think I messed up”, your words were slurred, hiccuping and teary.

He knew immediately something bad had happened, he would tell in the way his stomach dropped, and the uneasy anxiousness took over his body.

“Can you please come back to my house, its only me here, I need help”.

Nagito didn’t have to think twice, he ran to your house in a sprint. he didn’t know what was going on, nor what had taken place. Though with the urgency in your house, and the way you sounded off the edge of reality, he knew it was bad.

He didn’t think it would be this bad, he didn’t think it would be his fault, But it was, thats how luck works.

He walked into your house, door unlocked, the air smelt musty and there was silence apart from a dripping tap and muffled crying, it’s not hard to guess which one he went running too.

He ran into the living room to find you on the floor in a ball, your lips were blue, skin pale and eyes wider than they’d ever been before.

“Please just help me”, you sobbed. “I didn’t mean to do this”

Nagito clenched his fists while he sat, flashbacks of what happened circled through his mind. the bathroom floor was cold but his hands felt hot. He didn’t want to admit it, but this was a long time coming.

Hanahaki disease, one sided love huh? I guess it is one sided to love someone nonexistent. What hurt the most is that there was no recovering, the cure stems from the love being returned. There is no love from six feet underground, only worms, maggots and empty promises.

Eyes clenched shut, Nagito held your hair back as you expelled whatever was left in your stomach, he hated that you were in pain, there was yet to be an explanation of what was happening. Walking in only to find his lover sprawled out of the floor, crying slurred nothings before vomiting all over the carpet.

“I..I”

“Speak slowly my love, whats happened?’

“I took a handful of those herbal flu pills you left out on the counter this morning, I figured because they were plant based ”

Thats right, Nagito thought, he left his medication on the counter this morning after staying the night.

his medication on the counter

not herbal pills

a handful of Prozac 50mg capsules

he felt his heart stop

his mind searched for the side affect panel on the pamphlet when he first started taking them

strange dreams, dry mouth, decreased appetite

he remembered the second page

signs of overdose:

dilated pupils, seizures, nausea and vomiting, respiratory issues, fast heart rate and oh my god what the fuck have I done

Mind racing, hands trembling, Nagito held you close, there wasn’t time to explain, thats it, there wasn't time. His hands fumbled for his phone, holding sobs back listening to the operator instruct him to position your barely conscious body into a position seizure friendly.

Cries and mumbled words of “what have i done” escaped from his mouth as he laid you on your side, his school bag under your head and floor cleared from anything potentially dangerous. He sat there, on the floor, holding his chest sobbing, waiting for the ambulance

(Authors note ! DONT use this as a guide to help someone having a seizure or overdose, this is simply from some googling and own personal experiences, if you suspect someone you know is in danger, get a trsuted adult or medical professional)

Luck is a tricky thing, bad luck, good luck, there is a spectrum. Usually someone lives out their life on a scaled ratio of luck, some have unfortunate luck, some have spectacular luck. Though there are the unfortunate few that lie on the sidelines. Their luck a forceful rollercoaster of up and downs, tragedies and utter miracles.

The past couple of months in Nagitos life was a tragedy, who knew the dip of the rollercoaster could cost him so very much of what made him whole.  

As he sat there, the cold tile floor providing comfort for his aching palms, he remembered the paramedics, pathetically inserting a needle in your arm and calling it a day.

“We couldn’t save her, our deepest apologies”

He was angry, he knew you were gone from the moment your eyes rolled back and you lost control of your muscles, he could only sit there and scream.

But if they tried? At least do you decency? Not just act like you were another statistic is their salary, a teenager making a stupid decision.

Your parents were called, the room cleaned, and you were gone, that was it. The relationship you and Nagito held for two years crumbled. gone, as simple as that.

The white haired boy turned up to school the next day, face hollowed out with utter despair, eyes puffy and hair matted. He simply couldn’t deal with being alone, god knows what would’ve happened.

He reluctantly walked into homeroom, Miss Yukizome stationed at her desk with her almost programmed smile “Goodmorning Komaeda! I’m so glad youre joining us for another wonderful day!”

Another wonderful day? Another wonderful day watching the love of your life dying on her living room floor, loosing all control of her body and all you can do is sit there and tell her you love her, praying to all gods above she can hear it? Or Another wonderful day of crying and screaming yourself to sleep? ripping and smashing all the memories you have together in a pile because thats better than sleeping in a comfortable bed knowing she is on a plate of steel in the morgue?

Nagito kept his thoughts to himself, god knows he would probably get sent to a psychiatry institution if he spoke what was really on his mind.

With that, he sat down, eyes at the blank blackboard, fingers tapping at his desk, holding back tears that were already cried.

“Komaeda, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!” Teruteru exclaimed as he entered the classroom

“I wish I had”

He put his head on his desk, talking he couldn’t make out among his classmates filled his ears, he wanted quiet, ‘I wonder if she got quiet?’

Was there an afterlife? Or just a void of empty words and unfinished business. he wouldn’t know unless he experiences it himself, sooner or later.

“Okay class, try and get in some work today okay! I know you can do it” Miss Yukizome sung.

“Komaeda, can you get out of y/n’s seat, she should be coming in soon, hm?”

He didn’t even realise he was sitting in her seat, he was used to sitting at her desk with her, helping her with her work, playing with her hair and just enjoying the company of each other.

“No”, Nagito replied, fast and cold. It was strange for him to act this way, sure, he had a very valid excuse. Though it was unknown territory for the rest of the class.

“Oh no, has she still got that nasty flu? I hope you don’t catch it my dear boy”.

“No”, again, the same, the class had quieted down, he was usually so cheery, so full of hope and adoration for every single one of them.

“Well send my love to her, It’ll be great to see her again when I can” She smiled, completely oblivious.

“You can, the 18th, its an open casket’, Nagito grinned at her, a grin of something so far away from happiness, it reminded Yukizome of a clown, so creepy, yet so theoretically happy.

Everyones faces dropped

Nagito got up from the bathroom floor, this had happened weeks ago, but felt like minutes ago. He waited, and eventually, it stopped.

He walked back to class, the heels of his shoes tapping the hardwood floor of the hall leading up to his classroom. he entered solemnly, like he has every day since then.

Everyones faces dropped

Yet again.

Nagito knew what they were staring at, he didn’t want to address it, but he knew.

On his cheek grew a rose, sprouting at the top of his lip to the bottom of his cheekbone. For such a tragic disease, it was quite beautiful.

For such a tragic event, it felt so beautiful

God okay this was sad and a bit quick, I really did try to do a happy ending, though sometimes, for stories like this, I think it is a little to cliché, Stay safe everyone ! I hope you like this <3

[thatfunkyopossum]

Uhhh so I’m just gonna slap a life update under the cut for anyone who’s curious? Also bc this is my blog and I want to be able to vent wherever the hell i feel like. it’ll be messy.

Alrighty so first things first: My mom is in the hospital with some pretty severe cancer. Hospitalized for several months straight severe. It’s happening because of the treatment from her breast cancer several years ago. I’m fine with this. She’s abusive and is completely fine with how she’s treated me since I came out as trans. I know that she’s fine with it because we’ve talked about it and she said as much.

The real problem with this is that i’m now living with my dad alone because my sister moved out earlier this year. Its just the two of us, four dogs, and two cats. This is a problem because my dad has no healthy ways to deal with his stress and frustration so he takes it out on me. His toxic behaviors that have been harming me my entire life have only gotten worse. He refuses to acknowledge that anything he’s ever done has been wrong, and I mean it when I say he’d do anything to help me be better short of ever changing his behavior.

For example, i told him that when he referred to the house and dishes as belonging to him (for example, saying things like “stop leaving my dishes in your room” referring to the dishes i’ve eaten on in my room. Like, the communal dishes the whole family uses? and has for my entire life?) made me feel like a guest in my own home and like i had no claim to anything he told me i was delusional, that he wouldn’t stop talking like that, and that if I wanted any claim on anything in this house that he expects me to maintain I’d have to start paying to live here. I can’t do that, because I’ve only recently gotten a job (i’ve been trying to avoid it because I don’t want to get sick and hurt my friends) and I have to save up so i can either A) get myself the fuck out of here & transition or B) pay for a school program myself that in two years or so could help me get a decently stable and well paying job.

Also, on the topic of paying rent, both of my parents have completely refused to negotiate with me. I asked them to let me move into my sister’s vacated room (it gets more sunlight, is bigger, and overall would be genuinely much better for my emotional health) and I was informed that I’d need to pay them $300 a month to do that. Mind you, my sister only had to pay a percentage of her paycheck up to $300 a month. My parents would accept her maximum as my absolute minimum. So i’m making do with my cramped space.

Its been 2 years since I came out as trans to my parents. The only person in my family to wholeheartedly embrace me aside from my sister is my grandfather who lives 3 hours away. My dad can’t even consistently call me by my name, still calls me “girl”, and acts like he found out a few weeks ago and its still new. He introduces me to strangers as his daughter and by my deadname. He’s a trump supporting capitalist evangelical christian (both parents are) and has been drinking the voter fraud koolaid and doesn’t wear a mask at his job sites.

Every interaction I have with him has me on edge and nervous. I can’t be my own self in the place where i live, and i’m not even allowed the illusion of thinking that this is actually my own home. Even when he’s gone for days at a time I can’t relax because I have four severely neglected hunting dogs that I cannot help and I can’t take care of to monitor and try and control. I have to keep them quiet because if they start barking at the landlord’s dogs (who are allowed to run around outside off lead) the landlords get angry at us. They’re not leash trained, so I physically cannot walk any of them. Karley was abandoned by my middle sister, and is now basically my responsibility.

Tucker, Karley’s son, was left here by my oldest sister who couldn’t take him with her immediately when she moved away. Both of them are purebred german shorthaired pointers because my dad wanted hunting dogs and then never trained them. They’re never taken on walks. Finley is a miniature poodle who belongs to my mom. She was too lazy to play with him with a laser pointer, so yeah. Zeke is an old standard poodle who is dying and my family will not put down even though he seems absolutely miserable. I cannot care for these dogs. I never asked for them to be my responsibility, but I’m the only one who actually cares about their well being except i can’t help them. I don’t know what to do. Finley’s so smart and I can’t do anything to stimulate his brain. Karley and Tucker are so energetic and I don’t have the space or stamina to exercise them, and I can’t teach them to walk on leads because they’re too hyper but they’re too hyper because they’re never walked and they’re never walked because they don’t know how to walk on leads and i can’t do anything about it. Zeke is in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it!

There’s nothing I can do to help them and because they’re all under stimulated and not trained (my family HAS ACTIVELY REFUSED TO TRAIN THEM SAYING IT CANT BE DONE) they destroy my belongings and what few things I have to my own self and I’m told its my fault when they do. They’ve made this house filthy and foul smelling and theres nothing I can do about it.

I’m trapped here and i’m suffocating and I can’t even assert who I am without risking my shelter.

[solar-bean]

This is the very extensive and detailed rant of a fed up black, female student of class 2020

-You are free to scroll past this if you want. I really just needed to get this off my chest. But if you have advice or are experiencing a similar situation, feel free to message me-

So first off, I haven't liked going to school since I was 9. And highschool has only deepened my loathing of it. But maybe I don't hate school in general. Maybe I just hate the schools I've gone to ( 4 in total ). This rant is about highschool specifically. Perhaps what I'm about to type is normal and I'm overreacting. But I'm tired of not talking about my problems because I'm worried that I'll sound like an ungrateful brat. Typing/ writing about my issues makes me feel better. And I really need to feel better.

So here are the main points in order of severity: Low income, Advisory, Graphic Arts and Discipline/Work Ethic

Low Income:

I've only ever gone to low income schools in my neighborhood. I hoped high school would be different but thanks to the crappy education of my old school and an even crappier selective enrollment test score, I couldn't get into the schools I wanted. Then again my single mother probably couldn't afford those other schools anyway.

My highschool shares a building with another highschool. And unfortunately they called dibs on the best features and have control of the heating and ac. We don't even have our own gym. We also have the least amount of space with the smallest class being mine of 144 seniors. So there's a lot of packed classrooms.

Speaking of having way too many students, recourses are slim as a result. Our best equipment, chromebooks, need to be reserved weeks in advance by the teacher and even then they still may not be able to get enough of them for their class. Said chromebooks can often be missing keys, not work at all or be stolen easily because of their small size.

A few other issues are terrible lunches ( I've been bringing lunch from home since sophmore year), very limited field trips, mice infestation, very few clubs ( if we have any idk ) and teachers have to pay for just about everything class related.

Advisory:

Advisories were created to prepare us for greek life in college. I honestly think it's to keep everyone in check but ok. Even so I have absolutely 0 interest in anything frat or sorority related ( no offense to those who do ) as well as many of my classmates but advisory is mandatory.

My first 2 years of advisory were hell. Most of my advisory sisters were either people I'd never talk to because we weren't in the same class, had nothing in common or they were straight up terrible people. I should mention that freshman year has the worst students because about 30% don't make to the next grade or just transfer. Most of my advisory sisters I had problems with were in that 30% ( a few had already repeated ).

Since I kept to myself there were very few incidents were I was put into a tense situation with them. The main conflicts involved our advisor, who I guarantee you was not the problem. She was essentially a poor, white, optimistic, young math teacher from out of town that was thrown to the slaughter. And my cowardly self watched not wanting to be next.

She ended up leaving by junior year so what was left of my advisory merged with another and got a new advisor. The only downside is that our new advisor is a firm believer in " sisterhood " and no cliques ( even if you converse easier with a certain group of people and advisory is already a forced clique in itself ). Maybe I'd be more up for advisory events , which we rarely have , if my advisory experience wasn't sullied so early on.

Graphic Arts:

The reason I chose my school was because it had an art class. In seventh grade I knew I wanted to have a career in art and that my talent was lacking but had potential. So you can imagine my horror when I learned that the art teacher had left once I'd gotten there.

I was sad but stayed positive and even highly recommended them to get another art teacher. Then by sophomore we got an art after school program ( 4:25 to 6 twice a week ). I managed to keep my grades the same and take the classes every week for the entire school year. I only missed about 4 days total. For once I actually enjoyed staying after school.

The class taught me so much and I didn't have to wait for the summer to take an art class downtown. Even better I got to interact with other young artists of my race ( there was usually only one other black kid at the summer classes ). Everything was finally looking up.

Then the art galleries happened. The school hosted one per semester. I brought my art to display but I couldn't stay cuz of a shitload of math homework. I got complimented the next day but still regretted not staying. So I vowed to attend the next one with even more pieces than before.

The night finally came and I was hyped. Me and two seniors were in charge of doing caricatures for free ( one senior gave me a dollar tho ). I had fun with that but noticed something weird...none of our art was displayed.

Apparently they cut it out for time along with the theatre clubs performance. And I would've been fine with that. If my family hadn't come.

The icing on the cake was when they turned off the lights in the hallway where we were drawing the caricatures so they could start the show for the performing art groups. I couldn't contact my family until the show was over and booooiii were they pissed. Especially my mom. I was more sad than anything. I had a feeling my school valued the performing art more and this just proved that. At least now we have an actual art class. And my art teacher is awesome and supportive as hell.

Discipline/ Work Ethic:

These are together cuz they've equally fucked me up. Don't get me wrong. I have a 4.2 gpa and 0 detentions.

The problem is my classmates.

I have been to soooo many class/school meetings about behavior and grade issues over the past 4 years. One of which a staff member said " now i know all of ain't bs-in' but why aren't those people helping the ones who are."

Like wow! Thanks. I hate it.

I'd be happy to help my fellow classmates. It's just that their version of help is cheating off my tests and copying my homework.

So yeah my bad. I've been sooo selfish.

I can count on my hand the amount of times I've been told that I'm doing a good job directly and not in front of a class as a way to embarrass them.

This year behavior was so bad that they made a competition to see which advisory would get the least demerits. Big mistake. My heart goes out to all the poor well behaved students who lost because of a few advisory mates. It only takes one. The record for most demerits in a day was 30 I think.

I forgot the competition was going on at some point cuz I've only gotten 2 demerits in 4 years. My advisory won second and we played the waiting game for our prize only to have a pizza party with 17 other advisories. The winning advisory was salty as hell. But hey we got free lunch at least.

I managed to get good grades simply by doing everything on time and having no social life. This was by choice really. I promised myself I'd do better in college but now I gotta study for ap.

It was actually ap literature that gave me a new perspective on my classmates work ethic. We were given a lengthy reading assignment but the due date was stretched by two class days and the weekend. Even though I'd been mentally drained lately ( by lately I mean since the 1st week of school ) and had other work to do, I completed it with slightly less annotations.

Upon the due date I discovered that I and one other classmate completed the reading. Even the valedictorian didn't do it!!! And this wasn't a one time thing either.

In fact my class is notorious for never doing work on time. I'm talking completing-a-project-in-the-class before-the-it's -due- for bad. And some people I understand. Some of them really need help and resources. But every one else. Excuses excuses. The extended due dates gave me extra free time but it made the work I completed on time feel pointless. Like I could've just not done it and not face any consequences.

I tried that and was stressed out all day to the point of doing the work anyway. School's got me whipped I guess.

So if I hate highschool so much why do I go on time everyday, miss at most 3 days a year, do my work, behave myself and study??? Simple. I'm trying to get out. Having a good gpa and test scores will get me more scholarships cuz God knows my mom can't afford art college ( I got into my first choice so yeah:). Really highschool has just been a means to an end.

I've had my good days and have made some friends but I really just wanna run to hills with my diploma in hand. And thats what's kept me going. But now we're quarantined.

And my school has decided to make work optional.....and I have all A's......

Needless to say I've barely done any work at all. If we never have to go back theres a good chance I won't. I'm so numb at this point that I don't care that we may not have a prom ( aka the only dance I was ever going to go to ).

I'm just done. Done and fed up.

But thank you to my mom, family, bestie, teachers and my classmates that actually want to have a future for keeping me going. If I don't completely give up it's thanks to you. Future me, I hope you get everything you want at art school:)

[blurglesmurfklaine]

Glee: The High School Musical: The Crossover: The Series (or maybe one shot idk)

A/N: this is 100% a crack fic, nothing is real and art is a lie here we go

Summary: Post “Thanksgiving”, the small fire ended up burning down East High School to the ground and the Wildcats been relocated to McKinley High. McKinley doesn’t have a drama program, but they DO have a show choir that got last place at Regions last year run by a washed up wanna-be broadway star with no idea how to handle a class.

Season Two, Canon-Divergent, Slow Burn (not in reference to a ship, I’m just describing how EHS fell to its demise), 560k+ words (jk idk how long this is gonna be probably not v long)

***

Nini Meets Finn

Nini walked in through the doors of the choir room, hoping to see the familiar faces of her Wildcat Drama department family. Mrs. Jenn had explained that in the wake of the recent tragedies (ie, the entire school brining down), they’d been relocated based on extra curricular activities. Robotics and STEM people were sent to the West High Knights, band people were sent to hell back to where they came from, and Theatre nerds were sent to McKinley high, despite the fact that this new school didn’t have a drama department.

It did, however, have a show choir who placed last in the Regionals competition last year.

Maybe she was early, because the only person was a tall pale man sitting at the drum set. He looked like he was in his twenties, so Nini assumed he was the teacher. However, his blue striped shirt and faded blue jeans seemed a little odd for a teacher to wear.

“Excuse me, are you Mr. Shue?” She asked.

He looked up at her. “Uh, no. But if I’m lucky, one day I’ll be half the man he is. He’s like the dad I never had. So I guess I technically don’t have anything to compare him to, but he’s a good teacher, probably.”

“Oh, okay...” was all Nini could respond with.

“I’m Finn, by the way. You must be one of the new transfer.”

She nodded in affirmation. “Nini. I um, don’t technically have a dad either.”

“Awesome, join the daddy issues club, then! Theres a lot of deadbeats in this town,” he said nonchalantly.

She looked back at him, a little horrified. “Ha, I um, don’t have daddy issues. I have two moms who love me very much.”

“Oh, neat. My brother’s gay and my girlfriend has two dads.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “The only issues I seem to be having lately are relationship troubles.”

“Tell me about it,” Finn huffed. “No, really, tell me, new girl.”

Nini didn’t know why she was venting to a complete stranger, but she did. Probably because the plot couldn’t advance any further until she did.

“Well, it’s a tricky situation,” she admitted, pulling up a chair next to the drum set and sitting on it. “There’s this guy—Ricky—and we used to go out. But then I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back and said he needed a break.”

“Oof.”

“Right!? And then I had a boyfriend who was all sorts of awesome, but was kind of crazy—”

“Mood.”

“And we broke up. I recently found out that my understudy, Gina, kissed Ricky on the cheek. And then our school burned down, so it’s been wild.”

Finn stayed silent for a moment.

“Listen, I fucked a lesbian last year, and everything turned out fine.”

Nini dropped her jaw in horror. “Did you just say the F-word!?”

“What? Yes? It’s high school, everyone swears.”

She shook her head vigorously, eyes wide like saucers. “Not me... actually, now that I think about it, none of my friends really swear. It’s like... it just never crossed our minds. I just have this feeling that we’re not allowed to, you know?”

Finn shrugged. “Try it.”

“Eh... I don’t know,” she mumbled.

“Try it,” he urged her again. “If you don’t like it, we forget about it. But it’s a new school, new you.”

Nini drew in a deep breath and let it out. This school seemed to be about a decade behind times in terms of fashion and lingo and woke-ness, but if she was going to be stuck here, she might as well assimilate to the culture.

She opened her mouth. “F—“

The only thing that came out was a high pitched electrical tone, like a censor on a show.

What the heck was that!?

“Huh...” Finn said. “That’s... weird.”

“You’re f— telling me!”

***

A/N: no regrets but at the same time, like all of them

I’m trash so I’m gonna do another one of these, so up next: idk probably Carlos meets Kurt and then after that EJ meets Rachel

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching