#like what do i care tbh. its not my degree. and its fucking EXCEL like its not even that serious 😭

[theygender]

I'm in an information systems class rn and we're starting out with Excel which I'm already really good at and use in my job daily and tbh it's so frustrating. I'm successfully completing the tasks my assignments want me to do but then I get marked wrong and when I go to check how the system wanted me to do it I'm like "Why would I do it that way?? That's so much less efficient"

[otaku-tactician]

Emiya for the ask thingy

Hello, thank you for the ask fellow fate enjoyer, it means a lot to be able to speak about this guy!!!! Ooh I never usually get Emiya for an ask (it's very rare). I am not quite sure if this is specifically for Archer or Shirou, so I made one for each guy!

Shirou

I used to really dislike this guy the very first time I watched Fate Stay/Night. I was like 'grumble grumble typical eroge protagonist' only then for Shirou to figuratively shut me up by episode 4 so that was good! His story and mindset drives me round the bend, especially the more posts I see on him being self-sacrificial and embodying other's dreams with his entire self as a result of him lacking a sense of self worth (and the story of his past and traumas are written so well tbh its heartbreaking)... he really gets me emotional and messed up inside.

I think it is because I project onto him and can relate to those particular aspects of him (which would maybe have others judging me for that). It can be easy to forget oneself in the pursuit of making others happy, but Shirou takes it up by another million cogs in his reality marble by deciding to make EVERYONE HAPPY!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON, KIDDO?!!!

Shirou's not quite a war criminal, but jeez he is hardcore and quite disturbing at times (i will avoid how he loses his restraint and goes full battle mode in some smut scenes cuz that has me so confused sometimes). I think he is a brilliant protagonist who is both the guy who will willingly rip himself into swords for those who he loves, but won't hesitate to unleash the beast or be extremely unlikeable at times either. Character wise, I think he's an absolute gem!!!

ALSO HOW IS HE NOT ONLY SURVIVING SO MANY SITUATIONS BUT THEN THROWING HIMSELF INTO SO MANY MOREEEEEE

I do think he needs a lot of hugs and professional support. Like an endless amount of them. And a lot of professional support. But he is also a pretty great carer of others sometimes, and has great cooking chops, so I like him.

Archer

Archer. I love this man so much LMAO but I am furthest from an expert of his character. ARCHER IS THE BEST (also he is definitely a war criminal). But damn, all of that suffering. Yeah, I cry a lot whenever the plot opens up and shows all of the stuff going on beneath his tough and snarky exterior. Also can the canon stop putting him in so many situations (and can he stop doing that to himself too)!!!!!! Also I love his warm hearted, parental figure aspects as well; he has taken Shirou's caring side and EXCELLED at it to an amazing degree (I would trust him with my fridge and entire kitchen).

I like him. But there is not much to say, other than a mix between 'this guy is so ironic that hes unreal' and 'fuck, i want to cry... please let him find his own brand of happiness'. Also can he be nicer to his inner child?

I project heavily onto Archer as well, so my opinions on this guy have a lot of bias. But whenever I write about him, I feel pure joy. Archer is a staple part of my personal enjoyment of the fate franchise.

[nautilusopus]

tbh the 2001 version of ocean's eleven is better than the rat pack version (and ocean's 8 too from what i've heard don't @ me) but the dumb subplot with tess is easily the weakest part of it

they could've cut the tess thing and lost absolutely nothing and the movie would've functioned the same, except for maybe the metaphor about the lose half the money or try to keep all of it and lose all of it thing. which wasn't really a terribly strong or compelling theme anyway so

but like julia roberts is acting so goddamn hard and there's just nothing for her to actually do. like never mind the fact that danny's plan to win her back is fucking stupid because that is just not how people act??? like no one in their right mind is gonna go "oh well my current husband is a piece of shit so i guess i'll go back to my ex, who went out of my way to show me what a piece of shit he was while robbing him (which is the reason i broke up with him to begin with because it kind of ruined my life) because our relationship was just that loving prior to the being arrested thing and the movie keeps vaguely alluding to that, even though we never actually see that at any point at all."

like, even in a wish-fulfillment movie, the idea that she'd take him back because of all this stuff is batshit moon logic at best. except then she does. the problem is, a movie like ocean's eleven is already purely style over substance in the biggest way possible, and i mean this as a positive. it is extremely stylish and it is there to BE stylish. it has nothing deep to say to you, but it wasn't trying to do that anyway. it's a popcorn movie, and it is here to show you some people stealing things in a really fucking cool way. the director even outright admits this in an interview, claiming he set out to make "just a pure piece of entertainment" and i think he fucking nailed it, and i especially love shit that knows what it wants to do at the outset and then does it without fucking around and with a high degree of competence. this movie knew what it wanted to do and then set out to be the best version of itself it could possibly be and absolutely knocked all the goals it set out of the park

this is especially important given that it's still not a brainless movie despite being a turn-your-brain-off movie; it's a heist movie. there are a lot of moving parts, and that shit is very hard to do well without it feeling dumb and contrived (just look at ocean's 12). knowing how much to show the audience so they can follow what's going on/the reveal is hard! knowing what to hide so there can still be an air of uncertainty around the plan is hard! maintaining suspension of disbelief for a movie that specifically is calling attention to logical inconsistencies, meaning it has to keep its narrative even more tightly wound than normal, is hard! all these things are difficult, and ocean's eleven does all these things really, really goddamn well. it is genuinely a brilliant piece of filmmaking. (maybe i will get into how at a later date but for now i want to encourage you to watch it yourself by bitching about it shhhh don't question me. all i'll say is that brad pitt was actually fucking spot-on casting.)

tess is a fucking lamp, though, and her existence only serves to detract from the experience. i am only this mad about her because the rest of the movie is so good otherwise (hell, even her individual one-on-one scenes with danny, all fucking two of them, are well-acted and well-written), so it REALLY sticks out how awkward it is as a whole package.

and i know why they put the damn thing in, they needed an emotional core of some sort to the movie s it wasn't completely fucking shallow, because even in a popcorn flick there has to be something for the audience to care about. but like..................................... the heist crew is right there

like a huge chunk of the dialogue in ocean's eleven (mostly the banter, which is again one of the strongest parts of the movie) is ad-libbed. the cast all have excellent chemistry with one another and play off each other extremely naturally, and all the time in behind the scenes footage all anyone talks about is how genuinely well everyone got along, to the point where they'd just hang out on set with each other instead of going back to their trailers between shoots. and you're obviously invested in the heist, which in turn helps you get invested in the crew, and the actors work well together. and the sharp banter is the other reason besides the heist that you're watching the movie anyway and just

why not make THAT the emotional core of the movie why not build on that? it's right fucking there

why does nobody see these things

did they really think they needed a romance to sell this thing THAT BAD when the core cast already had such great chemistry. not to mention like a solid third of the movie is just danny and rusty exchanging Knowing Looks between one another and i absolutely buy them as friends that go way back a lot more easily than i buy danny and tess as a couple that were truly happy with each other a long time ago, in part due to them actually fucking getting screentime together. c'mon man

that isn't to say I think a Danny/Rusty romance subplot would improve the movie or is anything i particularly want to see, but the point is that the main cast already has a lot of chemistry together that is in turn written INTO the script already and they could've just worked with that lkdflhsdkslhhgssg.

or like, if you must have tess, maybe you could actually incorporate her into the heist properly beyond Existing as a weird mafia cuck subplot? this is actually something i think ocean's twelve did do right (just a shame about the heist in question but whatever, credit where it's due). as mentioned, roberts's perfornance isn't bad either and she also plays off clooney well in the brief fucking moments they're onscreen together.

i dunno. i feel like there were better options than what we did get. the tess subplot is a black spot on an otherwise really fucking good experience.

......................................................and YES OKAY FINE obviously i'm fucking biased for wanting more found family crime squad nonsense but that doesn't meant i'm wrong either.

[thegoodomensdumpster]

Can't stop thinking about your Crawleigh drawing, its so compelling. I feel sad for him getting rained on all alone...has he been on earth alone all this time? Will you draw him again? Is there a way to learn more about his story?

OOOOOH you have no idea how delighted I am that I received this ask ! You just enabled me to drop all my Crawleigh feelings out in the open. Thank you so much for that. First of all, for those who might have missed it: here the fanart @yeoldehetalian​ is referring to (yes I’m showing it again because I love Crawleigh he’s so baby)

If you are not aware: Crawleigh was the proto version of both Crowley and Aziraphale in Gaiman’s first draft of what was going to become Good Omens, a little piece of writing called William The Antichrist. After he sent it to Pratchett, the latest made the excellent suggestion to split Crawleigh into the two characters we’ve come to know and love. From memory, here is what we learn about Crawleigh in William The Antichrist: -is baby -not very good at being a demon -waited for the plumber a whole day -didn’t do any evil deeds because he was waiting for the plumber to arrive -the plumber never came and Crawleigh was really put out so he said nothing -saves all the neighbourhood cats from trees they get stuck in -can’t be mean to humans because well they are nice to him so ??? -has been tortured in Hell after the whole Atlantis debacle (which implies that he was the reason Atlantis sunk I guess) -drives a Citroën 2CV -doesn’t seem to really have any magical ability ?  Uh maybe there’s something else but I don’t remember. But you get the idea. He’s baby. In the picture below (yay ! new Crawleigh fanart !) you can see Crawleigh and his entourage of cats. I was conflicted on whether the rescued cats would take a liking to him or if they would be scared of his demonic aura, but I couldn’t bring myself to draw the Bad Cat Ending so, there, new headcanon: all the animals Crawleigh rescues take an immediate liking to him and their presence become an every day life nuisance. Kindness contains the seed of its own destruction lmao)

The boy is gonna trip on the stripped cat, I can tell you that much. ANYWAYYYY.... Here comes the fun part where I dump all my Crawleigh thoughts. More below the cut!

So, considering how GO works with binomes and mirrors, I decided to back engineer WTA by removing the duos. Crawleigh is a mix of Crowley and Aziraphale; there are two other characters that are respectively a mix of Anathema and Newt and a mix of Tracy and Shadwell (not entirely sure what that would entail tbh; so far I’m imagining two female characters, and Anewthema is the most fleshed out. She’d be something like the descendant of both a witch and a witchfinder and would be very conflicted about her heritage, having troubles making sense of magic being a thing when she has raised rationnality to a degree that it has become a dogma. Or something like that. Anyway I think that’s a cool base.) Now about William himself, the Them and the mirrors. I thought, by removing the duos and therefore the mirrors, Crawleigh would end up trying to stop Armageddon all by himself. This means that one of the core themes of GO, the fact that people have to work together and every contribution, as little as it is, is never unsignificant, isn’t really applicable anymore. Because the theme has to be shared by all the protagonists. In GO, Adam can refuse to destroy the world because not only does he like the world, but also because he’s got a whole network of support. So I think, if Crawleigh ends up having to try stopping Armageddon on his own, that should be the link at the very least between him and William (I would have said between him and all the other main characters but let’s be honest: a story where none of the main characters interact together is not very appealing). And thus we get a story that isn’t about relying on support of other people but on doing the right thing and gaining self confidence and loving yourself even when all the odds are stacked against you and you don’t have anyone to really rely on. I would imagine Crawleigh beginning the story as an obedient (tho ultimately useless) demon with little backbone and regrets and no self confidence, and through the pressure of Armageddon, discovering a very strong and very good part of himself that would end up with him saying fuck to Hell and repairing his plumbery all by himself.  As for William, well, he would go along the same way. I don’t think he’d have the Them with him. At least not yet. Maybe he’s a little weird, has trouble making friends. Maybe the other kids at school make fun of him. Maybe there is this group of kids that seem cool but he’s too shy to approach them.  And I imagine after a pep talk from someone ( Anewthema probably ? After all Anathema is the one talking to Adam in GO so it’d be fitting ) William would realize that because his life sucks a little it’s not by destroying the world - a world that he actually loves ! he’s built up a fort in Hogback woods all by himself! he loves nature and animals! - tht it’s gonna get better. He won’t be able to make any friends if there is no one around to make friends with. (This adds the non neglectable bonus of making the Horsemen “friendship” offer all the more tempting to a young boy who has never really had any friends and is aching for it).  So ultimately, Crawleigh and William would be like “yes, I am weird. Yes, I am alone. Yes, it makes me suffer. No, I’m not gonna be a bastard because of it. Maybe it’ll get better, maybe it won’t, but I’m gonna do my darn best to take care of myself even if nobody else will”. So, it’s less cotton candy than GO, but I think it’s a great message to pass along. Self love, self discovery, self confidence, staying true to yourself even in dark times. Also the fact that being alone / single is not necessarily a bad thing, can be a choice and something you can live with very well. Crawleigh and / or another one of the main characters would end up like “I am actually fine like this”. And... that’s pretty much it. There, you’ve got all my thoughts and reasonning about, basically, how I would have decided to write the whole William The Antichrist novel lmao. I’m not gonna write it though. But if anyone feels inspired and want to give it a go based on my ideas, by all means. Feel free to borrow or to contact me if you want to brainstorm more ideas / make a collaboration.  Why not. I’ve got too many Crawleigh feels.

[thecardsimagine]

Hi! First of all I must said I love all your content! And for the writing, I love how you do so!! yours is one of my favorite blogs tbh. I read about you taking a break and I hope you do well, feel better and get the rest you need🖤 As for a request, when I read this story of yours of Lucio and F/MC at the colosseum, there’s a mention of the first time they did have sex in public, at a balcony in the palace and I was wondering if we could get that story too! Anyways, thank you and take care🖤

[Sorry for not post yesterday, I was in the garden all day and too tired to write.]

Hey! Thanks a bunch for all your kind comments, they mean a lot! I rested well over the weekend and feel a lot better already, thank you ^-^ I hope you like this little prequel! ♥

Rated Lemon

≿————-————-   ❈ ————-————-≾  

You didn’t mind the glass pressed against your body at all, as Lucio repositioned you two, your cunt aching to be filled with him again. Windows in Vesuvia didn’t exactly get cold, but how hot you were feeling, skin flushed, and puls hammering, you were glad for every degree that was under your own temperature. “Lucio-” you moaned, sticking your arm between your legs so you could caress his cock that only poked at your entrance.

“At least put it in again, you tease…”

Stroking him, you pulled at his member carefully, urging him to close up the distance between your bodies, way too much how you found. You even settled him right where he belonged, but the pushing, so you found, was his task in this all. Lucio simply grinned, watching you struggle to get him back into you, desperate for his cock to fill you out. “Be a doll and do it yourself,” he chuckled, bringing his hands down on your fine asscheeks, uncovered by any fabric since he disposed of everything he could when you two went down on each other.

The kneading feeling of his fingers was one of the few things you could concentrate on while your body still ached for more. Every corner between your legs felt like it was burning with desire and impatience to be rekindled with his hips. You wanted it, he wanted it, but neither of you had put down your pride yet to work out the obvious elephant in the room of who was really in charge here.

Bringing your hand back forward onto the glass, you could see the sweaty fingerprints you had left, paired with the cloudy fog of your breath, but you tried not to think too much about the person cleaning this as you pushed yourself back. You were counting on Lucio to keep himself steady so you could envelop his cock, ass sinking back into his hips with a loud groan from both of you.

Immediately, you felt his fingers wrap around your hips again, a sweet taste of his work while he pulled out, dragging his tip slowly back down your walls, a mixture of juices spreading all around your vagina. Quickly, you shoved your hips right back into his, not giving him the choice of how he should pace himself. It wasn’t like you needed to prove anything to him, but with Lucio, it was a game of how much you’d let him have his way with you, as he would not stop until you were begging and crying for him to fuck you if he had the upper hand.

“You’re so damn eager,” he huffed, giving in to your demands and picking up his pace. Finally, you felt yourself being pressed up against the cold window, sloppy sounds erupting from where you two met and pairing up with Lucio’s own moans into your shoulder. Dragging his teeth over your skin, you sunk one hand on top of his claws that rested on your belly, feeling the vibrations of his pushes through it with him. Even if the count might not gleam with the biggest of all cocks you ever experienced, the sensations of your inside and outside was certainly enough to edge you on.

Until he stopped, and you were almost ready to argue again when you noticed him fidgeting with the doorknob to the balcony behind the window door. “Wha- What are you doing there, Lucio?” you asked, grinding yourself back into him. “Experiment, my Love. Help me open this… damn… thing!” Just as he said those words, the lock fell out of place, the door swinging open and you two stumbling onto the marbled outdoor balcony. You were able to feel any step you two made as if you were stuck on top of his cock while you two moved, letting yourself be led right up to the rail.

“Lucio, there are people in the garden,” you squeaked in surprise as your eyes fell down. “Oh, perfect, let’s give them an excellent show, shall we?”

Without giving you more time to protest, he tugged his arm below your left knee, opening up space for him to stand as he began pounding you again. “What! Lucio if they see-!”

“Yes, let them see! See how absolutely amazing you look, feeling my cock pound into you!”

“But what will they think of us-”

“I don’t care, come on, [Name]!”

And not care he did. Reaching out to your breast, he fondled the right one, pulling at its nipple and rolling your soft flesh between his fingers. You couldn’t deny just how close to cumming you were when you felt his hot, hungry cock waltz in and out of you, pushing against every wall and every good feeling he could find. The more Lucio rolled his hips, the more you found yourself sinking into him, quivering, tongue licking your lips in sweet, sweet expectations of orgasm. As if you could already taste the feeling of release and lightness, that’s how close you were.

“Still bothered by them?” he asked you, and you heard him smile. Truth be told, you were still able to make out their voices, as they laughed and chatted about something far below you. You were way too embarrassed to let go of yourself, scream out for Lucio and accidentally gain their attention, so yes, they bothered you. More even than Lucio’s cocky way of doing things and how he easily gained more dominance by pulling this change of environment.

“Y-Yes, we should…” go inside, you wanted to suggest when suddenly, he pulled out, your stomach clenching and your pussy screaming at you for what you were doing. “I guess if you really don’t want to…” he sighed dramatically, slowly letting go of your body too and distancing, your eyes widening in shock. “Fuck,” you whined, turning around to face him, and leaning onto the - luckily, at least sit-able - rail, prompting your leg up invitingly.

“Don’t you dare leave my like this, get your ass back here, Lucio,” you ordered, and watched him gulp, an excited shine shooting through his eyes. “Tell me what you want,” he mused, walking up to you and push in, the sensation of him spreading you wide, overwhelming you. Head lolling back for a moment, you hesitated to answer, his movements halting until you regained your conscience.

“I want you to fuck me, right here, in front of everyone. Make me scream, you bastard,” you urged with a shiver in your voice, but lucky for you, one pull into a kiss was enough to make him comply. With the effort of you both, you managed to get up to a good pace again, feeling his lips travel down to your neck and collarbones. The sweet release was so close, you wanted nothing more than to experience it first hand, wrapping your loose leg behind his butt to accommodate him even more.

You were glad to have his arms wrapped around you, otherwise, you might not have noticed just how far you were leaning out from the rail, but Lucio held you tightly and securely, so you could slowly sink into the pleasure, letting your mind wander. “Sing for me, Dove.”

“Fuck, Lucio- Don’t stop! By the gods, don’t fucking stop!”

“More, [Name]! Say my name again!” he groaned, burying his face into the crook of your neck, letting out some spluttered gasps.

“Lucio! Lucio- LUCIO!” Complying, your voice might have been a little too loud for the circumstances, but how could you have resisted as he riled you up, closer and closer to the edge. Until you just gave your orgasm to him, a few satisfied squeals following while you felt him dig his cock deep into you, distributing his cum evenly all into you.

For a few moments more, you two stayed in the exact position you were in, trying to remember how to think and breathe before he pulled you off the rail with rough, footless motions, into the direction of the door to the inside. “That was fucking hot,” you mumbled into your ear as he helped you stand up again, his cock and with it, his jizz, sliding out of you. “You’re awful,” you noted, giving him a small pout. “Make me cum right in front of people…”

“Well, it was a successful experiment, right? You did seem to the danger, my Love.”

“It’s only successful-” you started, letting him peck your lips for a second or two affectionately, before finishing the sentence, ignoring the last part of his with a flush on your face. “-if Nadia doesn’t point it out at breakfast tomorrow.”

[jowritesthingss]

Motherfluffer

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairing(s): Prinxieceit(?) (Roman | Creativity + Virgil | Anxiety + Janus | Deceit), Intrulogicaliceit(?) (Remus | Dark Creativity + Logan | Logic + Patton | Morality + Janus | Deceit), idk the proper ship names but tbh it’s just Janus + everyone honestly

Rating: Teen (for some swearing)

Content Warning(s): swearing, teasing, lemme know if there are any I should add bc I got nuthin’ atm lol

Length: 4,239 words

Brief Summary: A bullet fic about Janus’ hair, because this is one of the important things in life obviously. (Which, for the other five sides, it really is. Duh.)

TS Masterlist + AO3 Links

*

SO

under his hat, Janus actually has really, really fluffy hair

it’s nice and soft and puffy and glossy and it’s honestly fricking beautiful because he takes so much pride in his appearance as a whole that he can’t just not take care of his hair, even if he hates it

which, he does, for that matter, hate his hair

it’s just...yeah, it looks nice, and it feels nice, but...it’s so fluffy and cute, and Janus of all people is most certainly not supposed to be cute, so in that it is utterly detestible, Janus thinks

hence why he is always wearing his bowler hat

it’s just seemingly nonsensical that deceit of all sides would have a mess of floof atop his head. it doesn’t look very serious or scary or snake-y at all, it doesn’t suit him whatsoever, and the decided lack of aesthetic of it all is horrid, if you ask Janus

(not that anyone would ask Janus, because none of the other sides know about his hair, nor will they ever know about it if Janus gets his way with it)

((he doesn’t. get his way with it, that is))

-

our story begins with that first Sanders Sides Asides, in which Roman steals Janus’ hat to use when they’re “voting” on which movie to watch together

contrary to popular belief, Janus does actually kinda-sorta want to join them all for movie night

(Frozen isn’t good, he totally hates it, he doesn’t identify with Hans at all and he totally doesn’t hate Disney for doing Hans a dirty with their last-minute decision to turn him into a bad guy)

besides, even Remus is going to this movie night thing, for goshsake

and even if the others still don’t really like him, surely they can tolerate being in the same vicinity as Janus if he’s quiet and shuts up and just watches the movie, right??

(he doesn’t even have to sit with them on the couch or hell, he doesn’t even have to be in the living room at all. he can just stand in the kitchen or sit on the stairs and watch from there if that makes them all feel better)

-

so Janus is preparing to get ready for the movie night

he’s wearing his darkest black capelet and his nicest silk yellow shirt and the slacks he knows make his butt look best, and he’s even doing actual fancyish makeup too to top it all off. and if asked he’ll say it’s just because Thomas had been planning on going out for the night, hadn’t he

(it’s not because he cares what the other sides think of him and how he looks. it’s not because they’re all stupidly attractive without even trying and because he’ll never be able to measure up to all that because of his goddamned snake face. it’s not because he wants to impress them. it’s not)

and at last, Janus is ready to ascend into the real world and descend down the stairs in swirls of darkness to rival even Virgil and dramatics to rival even Roman’s

and he goes to grab his beloved black bowler hat with the satin ribbon from its usual spot on a peg by his bedroom door and it’s not there where is it where—

Janus searches high and low and left and right and everywhere in his room he could think it would be and even some weird places, like the top of his wardrobe and in the toilet in his bathroom and under the trash can (not just in it, under) but he, he just can’t find it anywhere, where could it possibly have gone??

and he’s not like Remus or Roman he can’t just Imagine one into Being like they can so he doesn’t have anything else to cover his hair

(he’s not about to cry he’s not)

so when he hears the others thunder by his room and sink out to go watch movies with Thomas he thinks about sinking out with them, regardless of whether his hair is visible or not, but he shakes his head violently because he can’t he just can’t, the others still don’t really like him and they’ll just make fun of him and they won’t take him seriously anymore and it’s taken so much work fitting into this ominous villain persona just to get them to halfway listen to him already

(and he isn’t actually crying now he isn’t)

-

eventually he calms down enough to appear in the real world at the top of Thomas’ stairs, deciding to call out to the others at a break between movies, just to ask if anyone’s seen his hat without letting them really see him

and what should he see when he peeps out

but his hat

and it’s clutched in Roman’s attractive grubby hands

and he gets swept away in his anger at Roman for taking his precious hat without at least asking first, especially when he can literally just conjure his own fucking hat, dammit—so without thinking, Janus marches into the living room to take it back

he loses steam halfway down the stairs and shit he’s regretting his emotion-ridden decision but it’s too late to go back now

and even though Janus is pressing down on his hair and trying to hide it, it’s miserably obvious that his hair is a soft floofy mess even as his demeanor and expression are neither soft nor floofy

the others all stare and gape at his head, then they all exchange a Look with each other and he sees it and he knows what it must mean, he knows

he rushes out some sort of scolding at Roman, he’s not even sure what he said, really, just anything to distract them from his hair, only it doesn’t work, they’re still staring, why won’t they stop staring

he leaves the room as quickly as he can, leaving all dignity behind in his rush

but he can’t help but linger at the top of the stairs

-

Janus listens in on the others with bated breath and a sinking feeling in his chest, worried that they’re going to say something about his hair and yet he’s too much of a masochist to try and ignore it and leave

“oh. my gosh,” Patton says in awe, and he must be so in awe at how stupid Janus looks with his hair, he must be wondering how it’s even possible for someone to look so absurdly pathetic

(spoiler alert: nopenopenope. Patton trying to figure out how he never realized just how attractive Janus is)

“did you see his hair??” Roman says incredulously, and there’s some unknown emotion tightly contained in his voice. he must be trying hard not to burst into that boisterous laughter of his. Janus privately doesn’t think he looks all that bad, really, even with his scales and the halo of hair that surrounds him, but of course Roman of all people would find it especially silly and use it against him

(actually, Roman’s really just trying hard not to fangirl. that’s pure gay panic he’s trying to tamp down on babey)

“that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you dorks!” Remus says and god, that feels like a slap in the face to Janus. Remus ratted him out? just like that?? they’d been each other’s only friend for years and then Remus goes and gets accepted-ish by the light sides and then that’s it. just like that, huh.

(fuck that betrayal stings like nothing he’s felt before but he’s not going to let on about that)

Janus watches as the other sides clump together and begin discussing something even his most excellent snakey hearing can’t pick up, but he’s sure they’re insulting him and making fun of his hair

(spoiler alert: they’re actually just making a game plan to figure out how they can all touch his floofy hair and using Thomas as a sounding board)

and eventually he hears the other sides burst into laughter

which Janus, listening in, hears

and he’s hurt because he always knew they wouldn’t take him seriously how he is, things like that are the very reason he wore his hat in the first place, why did stupid fucking Roman have to take his hat and force him to reveal himself like this??

Janus slinks off, shoving the hat back down on his head, hard

and if he’s kinda heartbroken over it all, no way in hell is he about to acknowledge it

-

the whole rest of it just follows all the other sides just absolutely becoming obsessed with Janus’ hair and subsequently falling in love with him lmao

after that one time Roman took Janus’ hat, everyone just keeps trying to steal his hat the second he lays it down or takes it off for the night

(Patton shoves an entire pack of gum in his mouth all at once, cheeks puffed up like a chipmunk’s, and then as he passes Janus lying down and blep-ing in the afternoon sun he “accidentally” spits it all out on his hat just to get Janus to take it off to clean it.)

((he blinks once. once. once and Patton has torn it away out of his hands, reaching out a hand and mussing up Janus’ already-messy hat hair, and then dancing just out of reach, promising to go clean it for him as an “apology”))

so Janus starts wearing his hat more and more and more, regardless of the circumstances the others keep trying to catch him under

(“gee, isn’t it hot in the mindscape today!” Roman pants, shirtless and sweating his ass off, after having literally turned the heater up to eighty-four fucking degrees Farenheit, right as Janus watched him. “sure makes you wanna shed a few layers of clothing. hahaha. like...oh, I dunno, maybe that hat of yours...? and, ahm, maybe that lil cape and mmmaybeee your shirt too pretty pretty please?”)

((which, Janus does end up removing his shirt, only because Roman promises him half the money he bet Virgil on Janus having a six pack—and who knows why Roman’s talking to boyfriend about another man’s abs but hey, Janus isn’t one to judge—but the bowler hat stays firmly placed on top of his head))

(((that day his wallet expands by twenty bucks, and his satisfaction expands immeasurably when he sees Virgil next and the anxious side’s face immediately flushes dark red)))

((((yeah, that’s what you missed out on when you left the dark sides, ya lil bitch. ha))))

-

the other sides’ ploys to get his hat off of him and his hair in fluffing distance spiral more and more and more

once he even catches Logan—yeah, that’s right, stupid McSerious Mr. Logan N. Sanders (the N stands for Necktie)—trying to head a goddamn sting operation with his boyfriends, trying to take the hat from right off his head while Janus is reading in the mindscape’s living room

(there was a fishing pole, a grappling hook, a pair of Virgil’s surprisingly emo underpants, and an exorbitant amount of Cheez-Its involved and Janus really, really regrets learning this information)

((he totally steals that pair of MCR boxers when the Logan, Patton, and Remus aren’t looking though))

.

.

.

anyways

ahem

petty panty theivery aside, the other sides are all getting increasingly more desperate, and they’re not even bothering to hide it at this point, even

and Janus just doesn’t get why they’re trying so hard to embarrass him and insult him like this

like, maybe it’s because he totally schooled them after the whole wedding fiasco??

because Thomas did accept him, and technically the others did too, no matter how grudgingly, but he supposes that Thomas accepting him could have forced everyone else’s hands, so maybe this is their way of making fun of him even as they’re not supposed to verbally insult him anymore??

but regardless of why they’re doing it, now Janus has to take to wearing his hat everywhere

like, literally everywhere, or else it’ll be stolen if he so much as blinks or takes his eyes and hands off it for even a second

literally

remus tries to sneak up on him in the shower and grab his hat off the counter only to find a drenched Janus, fully naked save for the bowler hat, glaring sourly at him from the shower as he attempts to stealthily creep into the bathroom

he even has to wear the hat places like in bed, because otherwise the others Will take the opportunity to steal it

once he wakes up to Patton staring at him, the moral side’s eyes wide as he lays on the other side of his bed, one of his arms reaching out to Janus’ head and fucking caressing his hair

(and no, his stomach does Not do weird flips at that, it doesn’t)

((will he ever actually start to believe these lies he’s telling himself??))

-

everyone keeps finding more and more and more ridiculous ways to get Janus to take off his hat and more and more ridiculous places to accidentally “misplace” it

Janus still is convinced that they’re pulling all of this shit just because they wanna laugh at his hair and insult him

(but no! it is because they are all useless gays that rly rly rly like the floof of hairs on his head)

at some point Patton or Roman or someone literally just. fucking freezes his hat in a block of ice in the freezer

it is at this point that Janus decides he has had Enough

and at this point he can’t even lie to himself anymore and say that he isn’t crying

(and thank god he found his hat when going down to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and not the following morning at breakfast, because then the others would see him so fragile like that and even if they’ve already seen his stupid fucking hair they certainly don’t deserve to see him this vulnerable)

but he carries the tub of ice with his precious hat in it back to his room, glass of water forgotten

and he’s silent but he’s shaking and he’s sobbing and he just. doesn’t know what to do anymore in response to any of this

because he’s just so, so tired of the others teasing him like this and he doesn’t know if it’s normal or not because he has no prior experience with them

—all Janus knows of the light sides is that back before the whole hat and hair thing started spiralling so far out of control, it was actually kind of nice to be around them sometimes

like, not to be cliché or anything

but passionately arguing over Disney with Roman and Virgil was really nice, reading and co-existing with Logan was an excellent wind-down from busy days, talking theatre and doing kinda-sorta-almost-horny-but-not-quite dirty dancing with Roman was fun, Patton was a surprisingly excellent co-conspirator for pranks, Remus and Logan were surprisingly excellent victims for said pranks, Virgil and he had finally made up and were maybe even flirting a little bit again, and things had just. they had been nice—

so excepting the whole hat and hair thing, things had been oh so nice and friendly and maybe even flirty between him and the other sides

only now it isn’t now it’s horrible and he just doesn’t understand why they can’t leave him alone already or at least stop beating around the bush and tell him why they won’t just leave him alone—

and god fucking dammit, it just hurts so fucking much because he likes them all so, so much that he can’t even pretend not to anymore. he likes them all, and he wants them all to like him too, but with all the pestering they’ve been doing it just doesn’t feel like they do

and like, is this mean-spirited or not? he honestly can’t tell, he can’t read any of them at all on this, and it’s so strange because usually he can

and, and maybe, just maybe, it isn’t, maybe they’re just flirting or teasing or all in fun or whatever, but still it hurts

then if it truly is mean-spirited, can’t they just tell him and leave him to lick his wounds in private instead of popping up literally everywhere and scaring him half to death?

but whatever the reason behind it all, the subterfuge and the glances when they think he’s not looking and the weird emotion on their faces when they watch him hiss and try to grab his hat back and all the mixed signals he’s getting now are too too much and—

—and Janus, he knows how to be quiet. he knows how to tell a lie. if they want to hate him and pretend to get along around Thomas it’s fine, it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before

(it’ll hurt like a bitch but he’ll be fine)

((he’s lying to himself again he won’t be fine))

but he’s just getting so much attention, and so much of it is on his hair, one of the things he hates the most about himself, and he’s

he’s just so tired

-

and so Janus, with a heavy heart, starts straightening his hair every morning without fail

he lets his hair go all greasy and unwashed and unkempt and it hurts him to stop taking care of himself like that, but maybe, just maybe, if he does they’ll all lose interest in his hair and finally just stop

only the others are actually? really devastated?? and genuinely concerned???

and so all the other sides corner him and ask him why

in self-defense (but also out of hurt) he somewhat nastily comments something along the lines of “what, so you can’t make fun of it anymore, huh?”

and the others are hurt and there’s a bit of shouting and anger until someone comes out and admits that like,,, “no dude you’re literally the hottest/cutest of all of us and uhhh we all love you and kinda wanna date you lol”

and then Janus is like

uhm.

what.

-

everyone is reeling from the reveal, and oh so confused, so at Logan’s insistence they all take a big step back to calm down from the confrontation that just happened

Patton offers to go make some hot cocoa and warm up some brownies for everyone to help them all de-stress a little bit, and Logan bustles off after his boyf to help him

Virgil insists that Janus take a bath to get all clean, and he actually offers to help Janus bathe

(god, that’s such a flashback to when they were younger, when things were easier)

((Janus bites back a strangled, choked-up laugh as he remembers him, Virgil, and Remus all squished in a tub together as children, only back then it was the two of them trying to make Remus wash his hair, not vice versa))

and this time Virgil asks before touching him, offering to wash Janus’ hair for him to help get the week-and-a-half’s worth of grime out of it, and Janus is tired and the water is warm and Virgil is safe(?) so he says yes and

and oh

Virgil’s hands scratch up against his scalp, soft and feather-light, and it actually feels really, really...good

there in that tub, Janus slowly starts to relax for the first time in what feels like months

then, when he’s done washing Janus’ hair, Virgil leaves to let Janus have some time to relax and soak in private

Janus sits there in the tub, head tipped back against the cool porcelain, relishing in the warm water surrounding him

he still doesn’t really know why the other sides have been doing what they’ve been doing

but all the same, he’s not quite so anxious about what they’ve been doing anymore

surely if Virgil of all people has been so soft

surely things can’t be so bad as he had himself convinced

(maybe things can be okay after all?)

-

when Janus finally gets out of the bath, Roman and Remus are standing wordlessly outside the bathroom, holding out a ridiculously fuzzy pair of yellow-and-black pajamas with cartoon snakes for him

and there, on top of the pajamas, his hat

no, no, wait a minute

that isn’t his hat, it’s a...a new one

...for him?

Janus looks up at Roman, who nods, his expression surprisingly shy, then he looks over at Remus, who grins almost nervously at him, looking at him weirdly delicately

the bowler hat is clean and shiny and velvety and black, with a satin yellow ribbon at the brim just like his old one, only this new one has small polka-dots that, upon further inspection, are actually really, really tiny versions of all the sides’ different insignias—so that a little piece of them all can be with him, Roman explains, even when Janus doesn’t feel comfortable actually being in their presence

(he’s not really sure how he doesn’t break down at that, but Janus manages to hold out until after he’s swathed in fuzzy warmth and after he goes downstairs to talk things over with the others)

-

the six of them make themselves sit down in the living room and talk it all out over hot cocoa and warm mushy brownies

Janus opens up about how he hates his hair, how he wears his hat to hide how fluffy and soft it is, how he thought that they would never listen to him or take what he says seriously because of it, how scared he was that they were doing it because they hated him, how overwhelmed he was over them showing up everywhere and invading his space and taking his hat and playing with his hair without at least asking first

and the others explain that they were just trying to have fun and flirt with them. that first time they saw Janus’ hair he hadn’t even technically been accepted by them yet, but nevertheless, even back then they only wanted to comment on how soft it looked. on their side, it had been a bet—to see who could get Janus’ hat off again next, to see who could touch Janus’ hair first and figure out what it felt like—but then it had morphed into gay panic and them all falling for Janus, hard

Roman, Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Remus all apologize big-time to Janus

they assure him that they hadn’t meant anything bad over it, and that they really did love him and want to all be involved with him, and that they would never actively try to maliciously insult or tease him like that, and that they didn’t realize that he wasn’t just flirting back when he protested the whole hat thing

(which, Janus realizes that he kind of had been back in the beginning, just a little bit, before the teasing went way too far)

but just because the others hadn’t deliberately meant anything mean doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt him, nevertheless

so the five of them acknowledge and apologize for not realizing Janus’ discomfort and for not ensuring that the environment was one in which he felt safe in admitting his discomfort to them

and Janus admits that, now he knows for sure that it isn’t anything bad, he really doesn’t mind them touching his hair or any other part of him, really, but they really need to ask first, because things that feel nice some times don’t feel so nice other times

so they all have a nice long talk about boundaries and about how consent extends way past just sexual activity

and what kind of hurt/comfort fic would this be if Janus isn’t passed around everyone’s laps while everyone softly peppers kisses all over him and reassures him that they love him and they love his hair and they love his scales and they love his everything? so naturally that happens, and it’s all very very mushy and sweet and cavity-inducing

and everyone assures Janus that he and his hair are fully worthy of love and that they’re happy to love both even as he can’t bring himself to love himself just yet—if he’ll have them all, that is

and Roman + Virgil ask Janus to date them, and Logan + Remus + Patton ask him to date them too because yay gays and yay polyamory

and maybe Janus is crying a bit after the others admit that they actually really like how he looks, snake face, fluffy hair, and all, maybe he’s crying as he says that yes, he really does like them all and want to be with them

but he’s not about to admit it, of course

besides, he’s got his head turned to kiss Roman, soft and chaste and long and sweet, and Patton’s in his lap with hands under his shirt, gently rubbing just above his hipbones, and Virgil’s pressed against his side, holding his hand and squeezing carefully, and Remus is on the floor, curled around his calves and playing with the fuzz of his pajama pants, and Logan massages at the base of his neck even as his brand new hat sits perched atop his head

so Janus most certainly has an excuse for not admitting anything (or saying anything else, really) for a long, long while

Fin

*

Why is this literally over four thousand words what the fvck

Anyways, maybe one day I’ll write this like a proper fic, but in the meantime I wanted to share it as a bullet fic! :) If you want to create something yourself that’s based on this, be it writing or art or whatever, please feel free to! PLS do tag me tho bc fluffy-haired Janus is LIFE and I want to see it ALL. o.O

Want to be added onto any of my taglists? Shoot me an ask or a message here or via my other social media!

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: [So the vibe is evidently just showing up at the pre-drinks at this gfs house, we'll have to be some level of wasted to have the nerve so from the off it's a mood lol] Amelia: [a select gathering of the gays that you weren't invited too, but it's okay because Amelia can't throw you out when everyone else is like yeah come through] Jac: [literally you'd have to make such a drama and that's not you and also no one knows why you stopped being besties so it clearly appears chill from the outside, I vote the club should be a gay one so you have to commit to that hen] Amelia: [agreed because clearly her gf has planned this because Amelia's plan was to go and get that haircut and outfit with her mum so] Jac: [too pure for this bitch, we all know this is just an excuse for her to party like any other night really, which is rude, do something special but no, at least you're simply that hoe so it's not like we even have to work hard here, the flirting is blatant] Amelia: [it hurts my heart because you know Jamelia would have gone IN for each other's birthdays] Jac: [and her last one was start of transition year so they would've still been friends, AND it was her 16th so it would've been really poppin'] Amelia: [brb sobbing] Jac: [thank god jac is also miserable and only pretending to be living her best life or this would be even ruder] Amelia: [and thank god Amelia isn't in love with this gal] Jac: [and that lmao] Jac: [to me it should be like they just straight up make out on the dance floor 'cos her girlfriend is the 'its not a big deal omg!' type but even if it weren't, it is because it's Jac] Amelia: [hence when Amelia loses it it's Jac she's shouting at and being like how could you do this to me etc not her gf] Jac: [mhmm mHM we all know she's barely speaking at this point so she's not gonna say anything and your gf will be going off 'cos she looks the gobby type so you can slap her if you need babe lol] Amelia: [she so is the gobby type, Amelia just straight up dismissing her because this isn't about you babe I gotta scream at Jac rn thank you] Jac: [meanwhile we're just trying to walk away like the audacity] Amelia: [literally like SAY SOMETHING! because is there anything more frustrating than when someone won't react and you're literally 💔] Jac: [there is not, just shouting 'I'M SORRY' ala Tracy because we do not sound sorry at all but she is never a loud person so everyone else is gonna be shook like damn] Amelia: [your aunt Cass would be proud of that, but Amelia just gonna walk away] Jac: [good lord go home gal, or at least a different club lol, also like to point out she has a September birthday so also would've been after Savannah left so that would've been cheery lol] Amelia: [nice parallel because we know Amelia's walking home but fuck knows how far it would be, we're not at Erin's house now hens] Jac: [I'm sure you don't live right in town, your fam seems a suburb type so that'll be a nice trek, you poor bitch] Amelia: [just sobbing the whole time probably, even though she's not a crier like Savannah is] Jac: [you'd have to have a cry, if Jac hadn't gone catatonic as a defence mechanism, she would be too] Amelia: [which is why we're not getting our parents to pick us up because don't wanna be sobbing to this degree in front of them and her mum already hates the gf so we don't want the I told you so either] Amelia: [plus her mum probably thinks she's over Jac by now because we downplaying things forever] Jac: [parents can only be so much of a MVP at this age] Amelia: [I think when they see each other again it should be another argument that turns into Amelia kissing her because that's a trope for a reason] Jac: [yes, you are both owed it without the audience tbh] Amelia: [like I have no idea where they are when that happens, are you gonna show up on her doorstep to have another argument or what gal lol] Jac: [maybe you had somewhere you went together, idk where or what vibe, so you know she's gonna be there, even if it's just a different club and you're outside angsting] Amelia: [ooh excellent, yeah there's any number of places that could be 'theirs' you've known each other long enough] Jac: [precisely, it can be as everyday and unspecial or the opposite as we'd like, Dublin centre is not that big it's not insane to suggest] Amelia: [when do you think that is, clearly pretty soon after because the emotions have gotta be high] Jac: [yeah, sooner rather than later, like we did this for a reason and like you said, it's too frustrating when someone won't react to you] Amelia: [literally could be the next day/night I'd believe it] Jac: [i literally thought you meant the same night so yes i agree lol] Amelia: [omg that's even better tbh] Jac: like you turn round like AND ANOTHER THING, tensions are beyond that high] Amelia: [exactly] Jac: [at least Amelia is angry enough to break it off 'cos the levels of fucks you don't give rn about anything] Amelia: [yeah she's angry and sad enough to be like ffs what am I doing and actually go home] Jac: [thanks babe, we all know it happens but don't need it to literally look like 2nd choice to your hoe gf 'cos it ain't that] Amelia: [how am I gonna start a convo from here because I clearly am lol] Jac: [thank god you both drunk, I can do it if you want] Amelia: [go ahead if you think you can boo] Jac: you home safe Amelia: no, I'm dead in a ditch Jac: great Amelia: it'll make life easier for you, yeah Jac: my life couldn't be any rosier Amelia: 🥀🥀🥀 Jac: glad to see your flare for the dramatic ain't died in that ditch with you Jac: flair, which one Jac: idk Amelia: you took that over from me, remember Amelia: you really fucking did Jac: aren't you impressed Amelia: if you'd got there earlier you could've pushed me out of the way to blow the candles out on the cake my mum bought too Jac: you don't wanna be kids no more? Jac: could've said sooner Amelia: she's not a doll, she just wants to look like one Jac: who? Amelia: the girlfriend you wanted to share so badly Jac: oh her Jac: bride of chucky maybe Amelia: you did scare everyone with your apology Amelia: very exorcist-ish Jac: I was going for Carrie Jac: oh well Jac: still a better match than you two ain't it Amelia: oh you were trying to win a prom queen sash with acts of charity Amelia: I get it Jac: shouldn't you be throwing all this shade at her Amelia: wait, I'll add her in Jac: ha Jac: go ahead Amelia: she won't accept, sorry Amelia: I did try Jac: devastating Amelia: are you home safe? Jac: yeah Amelia: you do have the 👿👹👺👻 inside protecting you, I guess Jac: its always got a home inside me Amelia: well yeah, you don't ever kiss anyone long enough for it to transfer hosts Jac: you'll wanna get rid of the girlfriend then Jac: before you get infected Amelia: you already did that for me, such a good 🥳🎂🎁 Jac: couldn't think what else to get ya Amelia: 💐? Amelia: no? Jac: thought she might have beat me to it Jac: made a bit of an effort Amelia: she wanted me, that's all I needed Jac: past tense Jac: and that's definitely not the first time she's done that Amelia: what do you care? Jac: you think this is how i'd show it if I did Amelia: I try not to think about you anymore Jac: there's no need to make yourself sound stupid in the process Amelia: not when you're there to make me look it Jac: you'll get another girlfriend Amelia: because that's what is ripping my heart out about this Jac: that's your problem Amelia: stay the fuck away from me Amelia: if you'd done that I wouldn't have a problem Jac: I plan on it Jac: done what I needed to do Amelia: great Jac: enjoy what's left of your big day then Jac: have some 🎂 Amelia: you've made sure I can't Amelia: where's Savannah Moore with a 👏 emoji when you need her? Jac: Sligo Jac: last I heard Amelia: those poor country lads Jac: you've never cared about any lad a day in your life Jac: you can just admit you miss her Amelia: 😂 Jac: hilarious Amelia: not really Amelia: but I physically can't cry any more, I must be dehydrated Jac: unsurprising Jac: me either Amelia: 🍾��� Amelia: have a nice life then Amelia: probably leave tonight out of your achievements during the uni interviews Jac: nah Jac: diversity and adversity is all the rage Amelia: that's why I'll be mentioning it Jac: you're welcome x2 Amelia: 🙌 Jac: you sure she don't wanna join Jac: 'cos she's annoying me Amelia: I don't care what she wants or feel sorry for you Jac: yeah Jac: then tell her that Jac: not relaying your message Amelia: I have Jac: she's a liar too, makes sense Amelia: you're well suited Jac: besides the obvious Amelia: that you've done what you needed to do, yeah Amelia: tell her that Jac: I have Jac: not my fault she's so thick she only understands actions Amelia: if she's been messaging you since the 💋 you'll have had time to tell her everything I didn't Amelia: even if it has to be via charades Jac: the fact I didn't fuck her is all the information she's getting from me Amelia: the dancefloor's a bit public even for her Amelia: but maybe she'll be willing to break the rules for you, that's what people do Jac: let's not pretend it was about her Jac: only room for one delusional person in a relationship, don't you know? Amelia: you're ready for that, are you? Amelia: I don't know anything about relationships as it turns out Jac: first cut is the deepest Amelia: if you're going to sing, it's meant to be Happy Birthday Jac: yeah, you wish Amelia: I only got the one and I've already used it Jac: don't tell or it won't come true Amelia: I don't remember it now anyway Jac: bullshit Amelia: if it was 💇🏻 related it definitely didn't come true Jac: you didn't get a fringe Amelia: I still hate it Jac: it's not why you got cheated on Amelia: thanks, that makes me feel loads better about 👧🏻 Amelia: can you just take the posts down please Jac: I dunno Amelia: Jac Jac: fuck sake Jac: one thing Amelia: just do it Jac: then that's it Jac: there's your present, I don't owe you nothing Amelia: no, then that's it because I don't want anything to do with you Amelia: it doesn't make us even Jac: I don't give a shit about being even with you Jac: I win Jac: end of Amelia: it's not a fucking game Jac: you're the only one not playing Amelia: so leave me out of it Jac: that's another favour Jac: pick one Amelia: fuck you Jac: i'm keeping the pictures up then Amelia: enjoy your win Jac: naturally Amelia: 👏👏👏 Jac: you aren't her Amelia: you aren't you Amelia: it still doesn't make us even Jac: maybe you never knew me Jac: we weren't friends, after-all Amelia: there's no maybe about it, if we were ever friends you wouldn't treat me like this Jac: nothing is as simple as you'd like it to be Jac: but sure Amelia: you really hurt me again, it's that simple Amelia: and this time it was deliberate Jac: and you don't hurt the people you love Jac: grow up, Amelia Amelia: not like that Jac: that's easier for you Amelia: what about ANY of this is easy for me? Amelia: you told me to try, I did Amelia: now what? Jac: it isn't my responsibility to worry about that Jac: you figure it out Amelia: I had it figured out and you tore it down Amelia: take some fucking responsibility for that Jac: what, with your shit girlfriend who doesn't give a fuck about you Jac: that was wrecked before I got there Jac: deal with that Amelia: you wrecked me before she got there Amelia: I still think about you all the time, miss you all the time Amelia: and I do have to deal with that, all the time Jac: and I've got nothing to deal with Amelia: of course you do Amelia: happy people don't gatecrash and ruin other people's birthdays Jac: then you'll forgive me for not feeling sorry for you Amelia: I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I want you to be sorry for what you just did Jac: you want a lot Amelia: not this time Amelia: it's bare minimum Jac: I'm happy to disappoint and leave you wanting Amelia: then you win again Amelia: congratulations Jac: yipee Amelia: Don't contact me again unless you're got something to say that means something Jac: fine Amelia: you sound faker than Savannah could ever Amelia: it'd be impressive if it worked Jac: have I contacted you before now? Amelia: that doesn't matter because today you did Jac: today I ruined your relationship and birthday Jac: then I asked if you got home Amelia: yeah, and that all means something Jac: it means I wanted to fuck up your life Amelia: at least that wish came true Jac: there's always shooting stars and eyelashes when there isn't candles Amelia: there isn't a quick fix for this Jac: there's no fix Jac: there's only out and it's still 2 fucking years away Amelia: you were supposed to give me time, that's supposed to be one Jac: well I didn't feel like it today Amelia: clearly Jac: get over it Amelia: I'm not even through it, it literally just happened Jac: I'm not apologising, I can't be any clearer Amelia: then don't Amelia: I didn't know how to beg you when we were friends, I can't do it with this version of you Jac: Done? Amelia: I was done before I actually got home Jac: Well I've not gone home Jac: so we both lied there then Amelia: Where have you gone? Jac: what's it to you? Amelia: I don't want what happened to Is to happen to you, or worse Amelia: I care about you Jac: it won't Amelia: I'm calling your parents Jac: maybe I've told them you're obsessed with me already Amelia: maybe but it's still ringing Amelia: they can decide what they want to do Jac: you're such a snitch Amelia: because I really care what you think of me right now Jac: nah, just hope it makes you feel good about yourself worrying my parents for nothing Amelia: I don't feel good about myself because of you Amelia: your parents are irrelevant to me Jac: we've got that in common then Amelia: they're probably going to want to talk to you and I don't so goodnight Jac: Bold of you to think I'd answer Jac: but it is a reason to turn my phone off so yeah Jac: later Amelia: you're really 😎 we get it Jac: that's what I'm doing Jac: you're so smart Amelia: it's why you want to keep the pics up Amelia: like a 🏆 Jac: i wanna keep em up so you have to see them Amelia: I don't have to see them, I've already blocked you both Jac: 😂 Amelia: What's funny? Jac: 🤡😥 would've been more applicable, perhaps Amelia: probably Jac: you can pal up with Is again, she's up for it Amelia: yeah because I really want to drag her into whatever 🎪 you've started up between us Jac: you're so considerate Amelia: something really fucked up happened to her, you were there, don't act like you don't remember Jac: and you weren't there Amelia: I know that Jac: then you don't get to say shit to me about it Amelia: I'm not, I'm saying this isn't about Is Jac: when is it ever Jac: poor girl Amelia: stop it Jac: you walked out on her Jac: she didn't have enough daddy issues? Amelia: I walked out on you Jac: same difference Amelia: you said you'd let me Jac: and I did Amelia: until now Jac: you're only 17 once Jac: it's not going to happen again Amelia: it shouldn't have happened at all Jac: should woulda coulda Amelia: promise me that this is it Jac: I don't fancy your girlfriend Jac: kissing her was bad enough Amelia: I mean, promise me that I don't have to look over my shoulder for the next 2 years in case you decide that you want to ruin my life again Amelia: because I can't Jac: Amelia Amelia: I'm serious, I'll leave school before I let you do this to me for a third time Jac: I'm not in a position to be making promises about anything, to anyone Jac: I'll try Amelia: okay Jac: just Jac: I don't know Jac: never mind Amelia: you're scaring me, you know Amelia: I should've made you promise not to do any reckless shit back then instead of the other way round Jac: everyone's scared Jac: they say it like I can change it Amelia: I thought I was doing the right thing but everything just keeps getting worse Amelia: for me, you and Is Amelia: even for Savannah, Sligo for fuck's sake Jac: even if you'd done it different Jac: I'd still have done the same Jac: it still would've all happened Amelia: what are you going to do now? Jac: nothing matters now Amelia: you matter Amelia: to me Amelia: come to my 🏠 I'll call your parents back Jac: we're not doing this again Jac: no Jac: it's bad enough i have people in my life i can't get rid of Amelia: we're not doing anything Jac: stop caring about me Amelia: I can't Jac: how much more do I have to ruin your life Amelia: you have ruined it, that doesn't mean I want you to be dead in a ditch Jac: all I'm going to do is break your heart over and over and then I'm going to leave forever Amelia: tonight it's already broken and that's all I'm talking about Amelia: take the guest bedroom Jac: no Jac: because then my family will just think we're friends again and that I'm fine Jac: I'll go home, okay, just stop Amelia: if you stop lying, I'll stop this Jac: I'll send you proof, for fuck's sake Amelia: okay Jac: fine Amelia: [we're just waiting for that pic like] Jac: [however long this is gonna take, at least you're probably a bit more central, the most begrudging pic of the front door lmao] Amelia: no, put your outfit in it so I know it wasn't stored on your phone Jac: 'cos I just have pictures of my door Jac: [but does, some weird angle to not get your face in] Jac: haven't got a newspaper, so sorry Amelia: if you hadn't stopped the party early, they might have been delivered Jac: it was a crap party anyway Jac: she hadn't even booked a table Amelia: Yeah Jac: at least you can have a better girlfriend for your 18th Amelia: can I? Are you going to let me Jac: probably not Jac: but if she's less easy to ruin then there's nothing I can do about that Amelia: you'd have to try something else, that's all Jac: obviously Jac: I'm still smart Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment Jac: I'm not saying I'm not going to ruin your chances at happiness Amelia: it's not like I need you to Amelia: SO capable on my own Jac: it's not taking credit if you're making excuses for me Jac: but alright Amelia: I'm talking about the 💇🏻 which you can't take credit for Jac: it suits you Amelia: that is the most hurtful thing you've ever said Amelia: take it back Jac: it's also true Jac: and you wanted me to stop lying Amelia: 😒 Jac: at least you don't look like every other girl now Amelia: you think I did before? Amelia: also that's because no other girl wants to look like 👧🏻 Jac: I mean everyone has the same hair Jac: you stand out more Amelia: you don't Jac: well I'm special, obviously Amelia: I know Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😉 Jac: you're an idiot Jac: Jude better be at a sleepover Amelia: her hair stands out Jac: you should tell her that Jac: she'll be so glad her attention-seeking doesn't go unnoticed Amelia: she think I'm flirting with her so no Jac: oh yeah Jac: you're a predatory lesbian now Amelia: I kissed you Jac: after I kissed your girlfriend Amelia: you don't fancy her Amelia: that wasn't why you did it Jac: she fancies herself enough Amelia: So does Savannah, that wasn't a problem for you Jac: don't talk about her Amelia: sure, I wouldn't want to upset you Amelia: what's the point being 💔 if you're not the saddest Jac: she's gone, there's no point talking about her Amelia: my parents know hers, she's not gone from dinner table conversation at my 🏠 Jac: sucks for you then Amelia: sucks more for her that she's been sent to catholic school Jac: Catholic school? Amelia: yeah, her dad had that brainwave Jac: that is unfortunate Jac: probably a better school than ours though, so she'll be thrilled Amelia: it's my dad's favourite joke threat now Jac: at least you could avoid me Amelia: true, I should call his bluff and take him up on it next time Jac: go for it Jac: it's only me that has to write off this shit school on her uni app Amelia: the rest of your app will more than make up for it Jac: that's the plan Amelia: exactly, so it's not technically a compliment Jac: you're shit at this Amelia: thanks Jac: no, that really wasn't a compliment Jac: not one of your not technicallys Amelia: 😏 Jac: did you get a car Jac: I bet you got a car Amelia: [a picture of it because why not say she did] Jac: just got to pass now Jac: then you can go where you like Amelia: then I can runaway Jac: nah Jac: they'd take you off their insurance and you'd be fucked Amelia: because I'd never drive without insurance Jac: the police would be frantically looking for you as is Jac: that's always how murderers get caught out Amelia: 🤫 you're ruining this too Jac: you fantasize on your own time Amelia: this is my own time, you're home safe Amelia: I don't owe you my full attention now that your 👅 isn't in my ex girlfriend's mouth Jac: have you kissed anyone else Amelia: no Jac: do you regret it being her Amelia: it wasn't you, that's what I regret Amelia: but it couldn't be so Jac: yeah Jac: at least it was a girl Amelia: I'm not stupid enough to kiss any boys Jac: some just call it heterosexual Amelia: and I'm not so it'd be stupid for me Jac: alright Amelia: but I should probably kiss more girls Jac: why should you Amelia: because she'll think all the wrong things if I don't Jac: true Jac: I thought you didn't care about what people thought though Amelia: I'm going to have to find new friends from somewhere Jac: don't you gays stick together Amelia: she sticks with them and I don't want to see her Jac: you move fast Amelia: I don't really have a choice, do I? Jac: I don't need friends Amelia: handy since you don't have any Jac: that's why I don't Amelia: yeah, because you only care about what you need Jac: duh Amelia: did you ever care about me? Jac: don't be stupid Amelia: did you ever care about me when it wasn't because you needed something? Jac: what kind of question is that Amelia: one I need the answer to Jac: we were friends forever Jac: what did I get from it half the time Jac: no more than you did or didn't Amelia: okay Jac: that was a dick move making me answer that when you already knew Amelia: I didn't know Amelia: whenever I talk to you I end up with more questions than answers Amelia: and end up questioning my sanity Jac: you don't need to Jac: your work here is done Amelia: you can't tell me what to do when you don't even do what you said you were going to Jac: so you're going to continue to make a bad decision, just to be awkward Jac: that's smart Amelia: because you have such good reasons for doing what you did earlier Jac: 'course I do Amelia: go on then Amelia: tell me them Jac: already did Jac: I wanted to fuck it up for you Jac: felt great Amelia: there's smarter ways to feel good, and easier Jac: I've tried those Amelia: oh well I loved being your little experiment, thanks Jac: whatever Jac: it needed to be done Amelia: no it didn't Amelia: you keep saying that Jac: you don't get it Amelia: I don't buy into your fake bullshit, no, and that's all you've given me all night Jac: what's fucking fake about the fact I can't stand to have anyone around me happy? Jac: there's nothing fake about misery being the only thing I can stomach now Amelia: you didn't break up your parents or ruin your brother's music career, you sought me out when I haven't even been around you Amelia: you're full of shit Jac: trust me, I'm doing my best Jac: and you're full of shit if you're now trying to say you don't see me every day Jac: and that it isn't the fucking worst Amelia: I thought it was, until you did this Amelia: now I can say today was the worst Amelia: you're so fucking selfish and cruel Jac: nothing has changed Jac: I sped up your inevitable break-up, that's it Amelia: no, you went out of your way to hurt and humiliate me Amelia: everything has changed Jac: if you say so Jac: it wasn't the first time for me Amelia: who are you? Jac: it doesn't matter Amelia: who the fuck are you? Jac: I don't know, Amelia Jac: alright Amelia: you can't treat people like this Jac: then tell everyone what I did Jac: I don't care Jac: you could've done something about it Amelia: what did you want me to do? Jac: I thought you might put up more of a fight Amelia: for what? Against what? Jac: because I humiliated you Amelia: it wasn't the first time for me either Jac: never like that Amelia: I'm not going to fight you Jac: your loss Amelia: I keep telling you, I care about you, I don't want to hurt you Jac: I wish you'd stop Amelia: I wish I could Jac: yeah Jac: well Amelia: it's my loss, like you said Jac: don't worry, I've got my own Amelia: that makes me feel loads better Jac: it should Amelia: it doesn't Jac: you're infuriating Amelia: says you Amelia: I'm so angry at you Jac: because I wanted you to be Jac: that's the correct response Amelia: no, because I love you too much to hate you Amelia: because it won't go away Amelia: and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my fucking life no matter what you do Jac: I don't have the answer Jac: If I could make you stop then I would Jac: but I don't know how Amelia: me either Jac: there's nothing I can do if you don't hate me by now Jac: I dropped you for Savannah Jac: I did everything I did tonight Amelia: I was there, I don't need you to recap Jac: I couldn't have made it easier Amelia: there's something wrong with me, there must be Jac: not as bad as me Amelia: my mum said at the time that I fell in love with you years ago and I can't expect to fall out of it in a few weeks or months Jac: logic adds up Amelia: she thinks I'm over it now so clearly not Jac: you probably said you were Jac: or near enough Amelia: the girlfriend thing kind of said it for me Jac: yeah well Jac: I've had loads of boyfriends Amelia: you're not in love with me Jac: I meant it doesn't mean anything, necessarily Amelia: yeah Amelia: my mum is more old fashioned though Amelia: romantic or whatever Jac: more romantic than your girlfriend, yeah Amelia: 🙄 Jac: she wasn't good enough for you anyway Amelia: I'm not good enough for anyone Amelia: I'm literally still in love with someone else who isn't them Jac: it isn't that simple Jac: you can feel things for more than one person Jac: you just, didn't for her and she wasn't worth it Amelia: maybe other people can but I don't Jac: how would you know Jac: it just hasn't happened yet Amelia: I'm too self aware if anything Jac: that's some lesbian nonsense Amelia: I'll put it in my bio then Jac: tinder Amelia: I'm not kissing that many girls, she'll definitely think all the wrong things Jac: be kicking herself, like Jac: or is it only okay when she does it Amelia: probably Jac: just like a lad Amelia: 😣 Jac: awh Amelia: I can't be bothered Jac: with girls? Amelia: I'm not trying anymore, you didn't keep your promises anyway Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: it means I don't care, my life can stay the mess you wanted it to be Jac: alright Jac: not like I can turn around and say 'no don't' now Amelia: and if you turn around you won't see me Jac: what? Amelia: school, I'm not doing it either Jac: shut up Amelia: online maybe so my dad doesn't rage Jac: that's bullshit Amelia: so is this Jac: no, fuck you Amelia: 😂 Jac: so you all get to fucking leave and I'm the one stuck dealing Jac: nah Amelia: I've got nothing to stay for Jac: it's school, no one does Jac: jesus Amelia: you said yourself it sucks having to see me every day Amelia: I'm doing you a favour Jac: you are ridiculous Jac: you think you can just run away like this is some shit indie song Amelia: I've tried the alternative Amelia: it didn't go great Jac: you think Savannah is bad? at least her parents made her go Jac: you're such a spoilt brat Amelia: I don't think about Savannah Jac: you don't think about anything Jac: christ Amelia: your audacity is another level Jac: your stupidity is worse Amelia: yeah, I've proved that loads of times over Jac: fucking hell Jac: your life is so hard, Meelie, yeah Jac: everyone thinks its my fault, what happened to Is Jac: and the more she says otherwise, the more it sounds like it was Amelia: no they don't, I don't Jac: well you love me so you're clearly insane and a bit biased Amelia: even if I hated you I'd still know that you weren't the one who assaulted her Amelia: it's his fault, nobody else's Jac: me and Sav still ran like we had something to hide Jac: that's all anyone cares about, working out what Amelia: you were scared, in shock probably Amelia: you felt like it was your fault Amelia: that doesn't mean it was Jac: all I know is she's fucked off, no one will say anything to Is, so it's all down to me, whatever people wanna say or think about it Jac: so yeah, sorry I think your idea is fucking laughable but been there, done that Jac: didn't solve anything, it only made the rest worse Amelia: I know it's a stupid idea, alright Jac: you can't go, alright, you just can't Amelia: you know I'll fight the whole school before I'd ever fight you Amelia: I'll do it for you too, if that will help Jac: Yeah, I do Jac: nothing will help but Jac: at least you're still here Jac: nothing else is the same Amelia: I'll be in detention every day for the next 2 years if that's what it takes to shut people up Jac: I don't deserve it Jac: or anything but hate from you, and I do fucking know that Amelia: you don't deserve to get the blame for being there and being her friend Amelia: I should've been too Amelia: and after it happened we should've talked Jac: maybe it's just karma Jac: I've never been a good friend to her and by the time it happened Jac: well Jac: I made you leave Amelia: I ruined our friend so I had to leave Amelia: *ship Amelia: that's not your fault either Jac: maybe it is Amelia: it's not Amelia: I shouldn't have told you how I felt Amelia: or been jealous of Savannah Amelia: or made such a big deal about the date you went on Jac: no Jac: I get it Jac: you weren't wrong Amelia: I did the wrong thing by leaving you and Is Jac: I couldn't wish the alternative on you Jac: having to stick around and watch Amelia: I still had to watch Amelia: I couldn't go that far Jac: I know it's my fault because it happened again Amelia: what? Jac: Savannah Jac: I kissed her Amelia: I don't understand Jac: you should have been jealous of her Jac: I mean Jac: you know what I mean Amelia: you mean you felt something for her Jac: I didn't want to feel any of it Jac: but she was straight and you weren't so having her around was meant to be easier Amelia: why didn't you just tell me? Amelia: you lied and lied and made me feel crazy Jac: because I feel crazy Jac: I fucking am Jac: I just Jac: it's not like I left that conversation and told her Jac: I kept on and got with lads and pretended to like it, tried to Amelia: everything you said, everything you did Amelia: oh my god Amelia: I can't Amelia: I can't take this in Jac: like I said, it's fucking karma Jac: I fucked it with you and it happened to me Amelia: I'm supposed to feel what, that she queerbaited you? Happy? validated? Jac: I don't know Jac: probably Amelia: did you know how you felt about her when I told you how I felt? Jac: why? Amelia: because you told me over and over again that you liked boys and you'd change that if you could Jac: yes, and I told her the same thing Jac: and I acted accordingly Amelia: I've spent so long feeling horrible for putting you in that position and none of it was real Jac: it was real Jac: I don't want to be Jac: I want to be straight Amelia: it isn't a choice Amelia: and you can't just twist everything to make it one Jac: acting or not acting on it is Amelia: so why did you choose to act on it by kissing her, if that's what you think? Jac: it was a mistake Jac: when we left Jac: after Is Jac: and it was just us Jac: then it destroyed everything and she's literally run away Amelia: and then you destroyed what was left after she'd gone Jac: yes Amelia: great Jac: I'm aware Amelia: are you? Amelia: for years I thought things were one way only to be told they weren't and now you're telling me an entirely different story again Amelia: 🤯 Jac: because we don't live in the ideal world where I accept myself for liking girls and I choose the right one and we live happily ever after Jac: we live in the world where I kissed Savannah and she looked at me like I was the boy who assaulted Isabelle Jac: and that's how I feel about it, and I would rather pretend to be straight forever, and have no real friends again, than have to do that, and feel that disgust again Amelia: we live in a world that doesn't revolve around Savannah fucking Moore Amelia: because she doesn't accept you, you can't accept yourself? No Jac: it's not her fault Jac: the rules don't make no fucking sense Jac: do you know how often she told me she loved me, how beautiful I was, and smart and perfect and kind, that she wanted me in her life forever? Jac: but that doesn't mean she wants to kiss me Amelia: that's why it literally is her fault Amelia: she flirted with you more than I EVER have, or would dare to openly do because I would get called a predatory lesbian and she gets likes and follows Jac: but she meant it Jac: I know she did Jac: that's just friendship to her Jac: it's too confusing Amelia: you want her to have meant it the same way you did, like I wanted you to with me Jac: but I did Jac: I lied Jac: so I know it doesn't make a difference now Jac: but still, you weren't wrong and I did, I am, whatever Jac: it was shitty to lie, I know, I accept it Jac: but she meant it all but she is straight...how does that work Amelia: I don't know Amelia: straight people are weird Jac: I don't want to find that relatable Jac: I want to be normal Amelia: I'm not abnormal, shut up Jac: fine, straight Jac: I don't want to ever have to think about this ever again Amelia: why do you want it so bad? Jac: so I don't feel like this Jac: the not knowing Jac: how much it hurts Jac: boys are easy, I told you Amelia: because you don't like them Amelia: if you were straight you'd get hurt just the same Amelia: you said it, Valentina's no different than a lad Jac: lads just like me Jac: I've never kissed any lad and had them recoil Amelia: they liked me too, it doesn't mean I had to like them back Jac: I mean it's not the same Jac: if a lad didn't like me, he'd have reasons Amelia: loads of girls like you too, I was friends with them for a bit, I heard all that gossip Amelia: Savannah's reason is that she doesn't like girls, any of them Jac: but she loves me Jac: more than she ever did Ty, I fucking know it Amelia: not like that, like Is loved us Jac: I can't stand it Amelia: I know Jac: you know I am sorry Jac: don't you Amelia: yeah Jac: you just had come so far and had done so much work Jac: it wasn't fair Jac: what I did wasn't, but it wouldn't have been to act on it, when I wanted so badly to be straight, for everything I did tell you to be true Amelia: no, I was in exactly the same place that we left each other in Amelia: you're not the only one who can lie Jac: I'm just so sorry but that's worth fuck all Jac: I hate how stupid all of it seems now Jac: redundant Jac: but that's close to a fair punishment, I suppose Amelia: you've already been punished Amelia: and sorry always means something when it's a real one Jac: I feel Jac: I don't Jac: I'm broken Jac: I don't even want to be a person now Amelia: I don't want to find that relatable Amelia: but it is Jac: fuck's sake Jac: see, why would I choose this? Jac: even if they're weird, this never happens to straight people Amelia: of course it does Amelia: Savannah's parents are fucked Jac: just because they don't love each other no more Jac: when they got together, I'm sure they both knew Amelia: still, her mum's so broken she's barely a person Jac: all I'm saying is we're getting dangerously close to comparing being gay to a mental illness Jac: which is what homophobes say and I'm not trying to be the confirmation Amelia: it's not being gay, it's loving the wrong person Amelia: there are happy gays, I've met some Amelia: and your brother isn't being held back by it Jac: don't get me started Amelia: Jude's love life is messier than his Amelia: more dramatic Jac: he'll end up with a girl Amelia: you don't know that Jac: wait and see Amelia: yeah, I'll stalk him from afar like a fangirl Amelia: �� Jac: it's not the same either Amelia: you love a competition Jac: yeah, this is so much fun Jac: him and Jude are the same Jac: it doesn't mean anything to them, so they aren't getting hurt Jac: they don't care, it's not serious Amelia: you've got me, we're very much the same Amelia: in this anyway Jac: I don't want to love anyone ever again Amelia: then don't Jac: that's why I have no friends Amelia: yeah well you don't need them, that's the line and the lie, right? Jac: it's not funny Jac: I can't be trusted Jac: with any kind of relationship with a girl Amelia: I'm not laughing because me either Amelia: I make bad choices and I'm proven stupid, remember Jac: it's so fucking isolating Amelia: school is anyway Amelia: we're all in boxes Jac: you never used to hate it this much Amelia: now you understand how much I hate everything Amelia: how exhausted I am Amelia: it'd be nice to have the solidarity if it wasn't so horrible Jac: I'm just trying to get used to it Jac: accept it Amelia: at least you don't have to see her every day Amelia: maybe that'll make it different Jac: I never get to see her again Amelia: you don't know that either Jac: I do Jac: she's unlikely to stop by when she's seeing her mum Amelia: you verbally recoiled from me, ruined my birthday, nobody would call it likely that we're talking Jac: naive optimism is exactly what got you here Jac: don't even need to scroll for the reminder Amelia: ouch Amelia: you always find new ways to hurt me Jac: you really did just say you made bad choices and were stupid Jac: continuing this conversation is just another one for the list, probably Amelia: I can say it and do so you don't need to Jac: alright, alright Amelia: you're blocked though, this is the only place you could try to Jac: I could make another post but the point has been made well enough I reckon Amelia: it's not my birthday now so there's no point Amelia: ⛅ Jac: sod you then Jac: don't want you getting the wrong impression Amelia: 😂 bit late for that Jac: yeah Amelia: my dad'll be up soon I'll just wait ☕ Amelia: don't need you to entertain me any further Jac: you gonna tell him about your shit birthday Amelia: I'll tell them both we broke up and they'll be thrilled Amelia: it's all they want to hear Jac: you can tell them it was my fault, it doesn't matter to me Amelia: why would I do that? Jac: dunno, but having someone else's parents take over and shout at me for a bit might be mildly entertaining Amelia: they think I'm over you, they want me to be better Amelia: I'm not going to ruin the lie Jac: rude Jac: but fine Jac: guess you don't owe me Amelia: no, I don't Jac: enjoy your coffee then Amelia: it'll taste disgusting like it always does Amelia: the biggest lie of all Jac: you aren't as exhausted and sad as you say you are Jac: the taste would've been acquired by now, you massive child Amelia: I've had to hide it longer than you Amelia: I'm just more skilled and hilarious Jac: so you're better at being sad? Jac: and I love a competition 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Amelia: I've acquired a taste for anything with a high enough alcohol content, there you go Jac: I was drunk before I got there and that was still apparent Amelia: haven't needed stitches yet Jac: that's something Jac: anyway, how'd you figure you've had to hide it longer? Amelia: because I have Amelia: you were sitting pretty on a ☁ with Savannah for ages Amelia: nothing could touch you up there Jac: that's where you're wrong Amelia: I'm not letting you win again Jac: 😏 Jac: it's not like I was fucking boys because I thought I wanted to Amelia: okay 🏆 no need to make me cry thinking about that Jac: they aren't that bad Jac: well, usually Jac: just not as interesting, it didn't make sense Jac: why we would waste time we could be together instead Amelia: it's really sad Amelia: as 💔 it was seeing you with lads, I thought it was at least what you wanted Jac: they aren't the ones that made me 💔 Amelia: I know but Amelia: I can't imagine doing that, or how it would make me feel if I thought I had to Jac: well you're much softer than I am Amelia: excuse me, it took you years to break me, Savannah did the same to you in 1 Amelia: you're not that hard Jac: I think that says more about Savannah than it does you Jac: but alright Amelia: right, because she's so perfect Amelia: I actually can't compete Jac: shut up Amelia: it's true Jac: it isn't that simple, I keep saying Amelia: it's as simple as you've already said, she's straight and I'm not Amelia: it was safer for you, except it wasn't Jac: you make it sound Jac: ugh Amelia: isn't it? Jac: you think I'm a right cold, calculating bitch Jac: and I'm not saying you're wrong but it was nice when you thought otherwise Amelia: we can't go back, you really drilled that into me Jac: I know Jac: oh well Amelia: oh well? that's the best you can do, yeah? Amelia: doesn't sound very calculating and well planned out Jac: because it's all over Jac: the only thing I've got left is uni and the career I want Jac: nothing else can or is going to exist Amelia: that's more than I've got Amelia: I haven't exactly been concentrating on my app Jac: well you're going to run away and find your Thelma aren't you Amelia: you ruined that fantasy with reality Jac: yeah right Jac: you're still a hopeless romantic Amelia: with a 🚗 I can't drive yet Jac: have you had any lessons yet Amelia: no Amelia: I keep asking my dad but he's always too busy Jac: go ask him now Amelia: I've drank too much to go now Jac: well duh but he'll feel so bad for you he'll make time tomorrow or whatever Amelia: and we're back to calculating Jac: someone has to if you wanna be wild and free Amelia: 😂 Jac: how early is it Jac: will the library be open Amelia: it's weird that the library is still open at any hour Amelia: you're literally the only person who ever goes there Jac: excuse me, only child Jac: you try and study with a house full of annoying kids and dogs Amelia: I'm fine with a 🏠 swap, I don't feel like studying Jac: yeah only if you make it permanent Amelia: you wouldn't take my guest room for a night, I don't think I'd be able to make that happen Jac: because you were there Amelia: rude Jac: sensible Amelia: nothing's going to happen Jac: yeah exactly Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: it means we aren't going to be friends Amelia: why not? Jac: I told you why Amelia: I'm not asking you to care about me, I'm saying I'm here for you Jac: No Jac: I wasn't joking when I said I can't have friends Amelia: I know you weren't Jac: that includes you Jac: especially you Amelia: okay Jac: okay Amelia: good morning then Jac: 👋

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E18 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 381 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 363 Responses

This was considered a very emotional episode for many viewers, but also highly praised. A majority 86.8% of viewers rated the episode 5/5, with only a few less thrilled viewers.

beautiful episode

Attack on Feels at its finest yet again

It felt slightly underwhelming, but I don't think it couldn't have been considering how great the previous episode was

I cried so much, but I liked it a lot.

Brilliant and excruciating

the most emotionally impactful episode for me so far. it was perfectly done

Awful, fast-paced, and just a statement that Araki wanted to get this out of the way before he could very probably put his eremika fillers. Him cutting out Reienr's tears is unforgivable. It lessens his relationship with bert when the fucking back-bump was a highlight of the OP.

Best of the season

Powerful episode with excellent voice acting.

It was absolutely perfect!

It was so emotional and dramatic, this show keeps getting better and better

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE? 371 Responses

A number of notable moments split the chart into several nearly even pieces. In fact, 16.2% of respondents could not decide their favorite moment. 12.7% did favor watching Levi make his final choice, with Levi and Hange saying their goodbyes to Erwin, Hange’s speech, and the 104th holding Armin in the 9%’s.

Shirtless Armin really waters my crops

This episode was DEVASTATING. OnoD had only one line, but even that one, all soft and weak that made the Commander sound so *human*... I was practically sobbing. And the look on Levi's face just. Just ended me.

Eren and Mikasa's pain was beautifully done. Kaji Yuuki is an absolute marvel, his voice is always dripping with emotion and Eren's pain brought me to tears, too. Not to mention Mikasa's wail...

WHICH SEIYUU WAS THE MVP THIS EPISODE? 366 Responses

Of course, such emotional performances should be credited to the talented voice acting. 36.6% of respondents believe all of them deserve equal praise. 25.1% thought Eren’s seiyuu, Yuki Kaji, was MVP for this episode, followed by 17.8% Yui Ishikawa, who plays Mikasa.

Thanks to the voice actors it had more impact than the manga. I cried for Levi, who had to make the hardest decision of his life.

Yoooo i made a post on reddit appreciating Zeke's VA but he didn't get included in the VA list ;_;

i am a hardcore dub over sub person and yuki kaji had me in tears. SUPER phenomenal voice performance in this episode, jesus christ.

Might’ve been the best ensemble voice acting I’ve ever seen in anything and that included movies. Eren’s, Mikasa, and Levi’s performances were phenomenal. Also, Erwin and Bertholdt’s voiceactors made their deaths that much more impactful.

Great VA work. Growing increasingly attached to floch character because his VA is so good.

Regarding the voice actors this episode, everyone did an awesome job and I expect EreMika to take top place. I chose Hange though because this episode showed new sides of her and it felt like she had a bigger variety of emotions to display. From the relentless wish to kill a titan, which was something uncharacteristic of her usual self, to the strong and determined ""It was my decision"" and then her desperate and vulnerable speech, and finally, her worn-out ""He's already dead."

I may have said all the voice actors were MVP this episode(they are tbh lol added a lot to this already emotional episode) but Mikasa's crying omg I FELT THAT

Hands down to the voice actors this episode, man. They deserve all the praise they can get. 🙌

THIS EPISODE HAD A PROFOUND LACK OF BACKGROUND MUSIC. DO YOU THINK THIS WAS THE CORRECT DECISION ON THE PART OF THE ANIME TEAM? 369 Responses

The majority of the episode had minimal or no background music. 71% of respondents were especially supportive of the decision, with 19.2% who were simply content. The rest would have preferred some more soundtracks or didn’t even notice at all.

It was a great decision, we could focus on what was the most important during those scenes - pure emotion in an outstanding performance by the VA's.

I feel like a track could've been placed during Hange's speech, but otherwise I liked the silence

thanksArminTitan ruined everything

It creeped me out so much. Awful yet good

It was great. But it could also have been great with music so I don't know if it was a good choice.

The silence made it feel eerie, you were able to hear the sizzling body in the background.

THE LACK OF AN OP WAS AN EXCELLENT DECISION. JUST HEARING SHIGASHINA BURNING? EXCELLENT DECISION.

This episode destroyed me! I was nearly in tears during the whole episode and finally shed tears once the music started playing at the end 😭

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT HANGE’S SPEECH? 371 Responses

Hange’s monologue about loss tugged a lot of heart strings. 35.8% of respondents preferred seeing the flashback of Moblit’s sacrifice. 33.2% liked everything Hange had to say, while 20.8% favored the hug between Hange and Mikasa.

WHO DO YOU FEEL WAS OBJECTIVELY THE BETTER PERSON TO REVIVE? 370 Responses

The decision between Armin and Erwin’s survival split the participants’ responses near evenly, though 47.3% thought the best objective choice was to revive Erwin, while 42.4% thought Armin was a better choice. (A small 10.3% thought neither were good options, you monsters!)

I want to say that depends on what sort of objectively we are looking for. Are we looking at it from an in character perspective? Then yes, I would've chosen Erwin. However, if we are looking at it from a story analysis/out of universe perspective, I feel Erwin should always have died, as Armin, in my opinion, has more potential for an additional narrative arc (though his character development would also have been perfect if he had died there) but also through Erwin's death, a lot more people gained new development (Levi, Hange, Armin obviously, Floche to some degree, to some degree the rest of the 104th) that I feel is much more important from a narrative point of view. This arc marks the moment where the status quo about the world is very violently shaken up, and Erwin's death does the same thing to the SC which I feel works best thematically.

OBJECTIVENESS ASIDE, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO REVIVE? 371 Responses

When it comes to personal preference, 70.1% of respondents would revive Armin, while 24% would have picked Erwin.

HOW DO YOU THINK ERWIN WOULD FEEL IF HE HAD BEEN PICKED INSTEAD OF ARMIN? 365 Responses

Had Erwin been chosen to receive the serum instead of Armin, 49.6% of respondents believe he would have mostly felt guilty. 25.8% believed Erwin would understand the final decision, while 15.3% think he’d be disappointed.

Accepting, but terribly sad, guilty and weary.

Happy to find out about the basement but once he confirmed his father’s theory, I think he would have preferred not being chosen.

Depressed. After the basement? Unmotivated and listless.

The first thing is he would want to go see the basement. After that, he'd continue to be crushed by his guilt and feel burdened with the responsibility of the titan power even though he no longer has a motivation to lead an army.

His speech made everyone go on a suicide charge with him, therefore after he would survive his guilt of fallen comrades would be unmeasurable. The charge was his final decision and his final redemption.

Erwin not only feel guilty at having been forced to live after coming to peace with his death, he would probably also come to resent Levi for breaking Erwin's trust by bringing him back.

Idk i feel he'd kinda be resentful like he was ready to die and he did value armin's skills so maybe he would view them killing off potential as a bad choice?

He would be suicidal like Reiner. Truth is Erwin wanted to die. And the basement reveal wouldn't make him happy. Like oh shit I found out the truth but now I have to worry about humans(Marley) instead of Titans now.

Very very tired. And saddened by Armin's death (cause the loss of potential, and I sorta feel Erwin does see his own younger self in Armin) but at the same time, it's also the same sadness over all the recruits that died. And again, that they died but he lived.

WHY DO YOU THINK LEVI INJECTED ARMIN INSTEAD OF ERWIN? 371 Responses

Multiple possibilities factored into Levi’s decision to pick Armin, though 45.8% of viewers believe it was mostly because Levi wanted to let Erwin rest. 42.6% believed it was a mix of all possible factors that played a role in his decision.

Erwin told Levi how he felt all his dead comrades were looking at him, Levi didn't want him to live with the guilt any longer.

I think ultimately, after Floch's speach Levi realized that Erwin was indeed becoming a monster and he didnt want him to go further down. But I also think that he cared for Armin and his dream enough that also played a part in his choice. He may have realized that he was being a hypocrite when he told Eren to set his feelings aside.

I believe that Levi wanted Erwin to escape this hellish world but also because he saw a more visionary future from Armin.

He realized Erwin gave up on his dream and made his mind to die but Armin hasnt and died while still longing for his dream. Plus he wanted him to rest from being a devil with guilt

Levi realized that Erwin had given all he had to give and that he’d only be bringing back an empty shell of who Erwin was. It would also be cruel to bring him back, as Levi explained.

He realized that Erwin and Kenny were both driven by the intoxication of their dreams, and wanted to set Erwin free from that.

Levi understood that Erwin's wish was to die there, at that moment when he was finally in tune with his words as a commander

Many factors influenced Levi's final decision. But I want to say something that suits better than simply saying "Levi chooses Armin". I mean, yes, he gave him the serum and the chance to be reborn to Armin, but I saw him more as if Levi chose Erwin as the best way for him, not for humanity. Both (and all) are slaves of a dream, a goal to achieve in their lives, and it is wrong to say that some dreams are more "good" or more valuable than others. Their lives cannot be measured by their actions, but by their souls. And Erwin soul was tired, full of pitty and guilt for how much soldiers and close friends died because "they gave their hearts" to him, their life and dreams for humanity, and every dead was a weight that fall in his shoulders, every mission, every year. And for Levi, Erwin is the most important person in his life, he knew all of his suffer. Erwin's death was the freedom for him, being freed of living in this hellsite and being called by the name of the devil. In summary, Levi decision was the most kind, empathetic and noble act in his life for Erwin. He loves this man so much, he needs to rest.

WHICH CHARACTER DO YOU FIND YOURSELF MOURNING THE MOST? 370 Responses

Three long-term character deaths happened in this episode. 58.4% of respondents grieved Erwin the most. Moblit was mourned by 18.9% of participants and 16.8% were more emotional for Bertolt’s demise.

Bertholdt deserved better 😔

I thought I got over Erwin’s death but haHA GUESS I WAS WRONG

RIP Erwin.

I feel almost cheated by having Bertl reduced to just titan fodder for the sake of pushing a protag’s story along.

F to Erwin

WHICH PART OF THE EPISODE GOT YOU CHOKED UP, IF AT ALL? 369 Responses

There were plenty of tearful moments that got viewers grabbing their tissues. Mikasa’s panicked crying when Levi was preparing to inject Erwin choked up 16.8% of participants the most. Levi’s reaction to Erwin’s death was the saddest to 13.3%, and 11.9% were emotional over Eren’s final plea to save Armin.

I teared up when Erwin died; I didn't realize the anime adaptation of Serumbowl would affect me so much. Kudos to the directors, VAs, animators, everyone for such an impactful episode

The episode was beautiful. It made me cry throughout most of it. The voice acting was amazing, especially Mikasa’s VA imo. Tons of respects for the VAs for delivering so much raw emotion and the animators’ amazing work on the visuals.

I'm not crying you're crying

Even if Eren and Mikasa were more demonstrative in their emotions, the one that made my heart broke is without hesitation Levi. His silent despair was much more poignant.

the "Which part of the episode got you choked up, if at all" made me insulted. I choked up the entire episode and this wasn't even a option.

I didn't cry like I did in the manga.

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME ADAPT THE CORRESPONDING CHAPTERS? 367 Responses

Overall, a majority of respondents believed the episode was very faithful to the manga with 80.4% rating at a near perfect score.

i wish the anime production team would realize that since anime ("film") and manga ("print") are two totally different media, you cant just adapt an anime episode "panel by panel" from a manga and have it be as good. it needs to be formatted for *anime*. such a lazy fucking way to go about adapting a show

Honestly this episode was emotionally exhausting, in a good way. The silence was a brilliant choice on the directors' part as it let the VAs raw emotion carry the episode. Character animation and expressions were also on point. Couldn't be happier with the adaptation of Ch.83-84.

IF LEVI HAD CHOSEN TO INJECT ERWIN, DO YOU THINK THAT THE CURRENT MANGA SITUATION WOULD BE AS DIRE? 370 Responses

It’s possible the events of the manga would have been different if Erwin were chosen instead of Armin. 24.9% of respondents the situation would be just as dire, 24.6% are not sure what would have happened, and 24.1% have faith in Erwin to come up with better strategies.

Armin will come through like he always does

His presence COULD have prevented a lot of factors, but this is just a guess, there is no guarantee he would change anything.

It would probably have been as bad, but Armin still has time to do something important.

Eren probably would've been a bit resentful over losing his best friend. Resulting in him going off on his own and being potentially more uncaring with the choices he makes

Would things be different if Erwin had been saved? I believe a lot of the shit that's going on in the manga right now is because cultists infiltrated the Survey Corps. I know Erwin is not perfect but his absence left a clear gap in their organization.

Hard to say. Grass is greener on the other side.

Just different. I don't think we can say that Erwin would've dealt with the current situation better because the current situation would not exist at all. From the moment of Erwin's death, the decisions became Hange's and her priorities shaped those. Erwin, from the start, would've made different decisions. Those may have led to the same situation occurring, those might have led to a whole different set of difficult circumstances. It is impossible to predict. Plus there is the Eren factor. We have Eren causing a lot of trouble for the SC right now, and that is an Eren who did get the revival of his best friend and his close companionship for a few more years. And Eren who lost Armin would've acted completely differently. Would he have resented the SC? Would he have even wanted to stay under the people who, in his eyes, killed Armin? Would anyone be able to talk him down. Would he strike out on his own more quickly and have another reason for potentially joining with Zeke? Maybe in a universe where Erwin was revived, sure, they would've had his experience and political savvy, but it is quite possible they would've lost Eren completely at a much earlier point. Does that lead to a better or worse situation? We literally cannot say.

I don't think there's a way to know for sure. Erwin stated that he wasn't sure what he planned to do after seeing Eren's basement, plus I'm not sure if he would have been able to handle any more guilt related to sending his soldiers to their deaths. Personally, I agreed with Levi when he said that Erwin deserved to rest.

No fucking Armin is useless as of now. That's what Hange was saying about leadership and insight. We could easily argue Isayama hasn't written anything for Armin, but you could also argue that attests to his lack of. Erwin wouldn't let Eren go rogue. The biggest question to ask all manga readers is whether Armin has done anything for humanity that Erwin couldn't have done thus far.

The situation inside the walls would definitely be a lot more organized, but when it comes to turning the tables on Marley, Armin seems to find the most creative ways to turn the tables on their enemies in a way that doesn’t leave a pile of corpses behind him the way Erwin does. The early part of this arc demonstrated what they lost with Erwin, but I believe it’s Armin’s turn to do something great again. And let’s be honest, it’s Eren’s fault that Armin hasn’t gotten the chance to do anything besides plan the Liberio reinforcements anyways.

EREN WAS UNABLE TO LET ARMIN GO, A SHOW OF HOW MUCH HIS FRIENDS ARE HIS WEAKNESS. DO YOU THINK HE STILL HARBORS THE SAME WEAKNESS TOWARDS THEM IN THE CURRENT EVENTS? 371 Responses

One of Eren’s biggest vulnerabilities is his attachment to his friends, although current manga events have displayed Eren’s less heartfelt treatment of his loved ones. 51.5% of respondents, however, still believe Eren harbors the same weakness for them now as he did back then.  25.6% aren’t quite sure, while 18.6% believe he has completely moved on.

He does care. He just isn’t weak about it. Or at least, he doesn’t show it. But he still wants to protect them.

I think only placing Armin or Mikasa in a deathly situation would descover If Eren still harbours feelings for them. In this point of the manga I believe Eren has forgotten all love and compassion and he needs a sparkle to remind them.

He grew up, so of course he has changed. But I still believe he cares about them, he just doesn't want them around rn and prefers to do this by himself.

Eren never really cared about his friends. He didn't wnat to let Armin go because he can't take no for an answer.

Some yes but I think he is influenced by so many previous titan shifters and the titans themselves it got kinda suppressed

Probably? Maybe he kept what happened here in mind in order to say the horrible things he did in Ch 112. I honestly hadn't thought of this before, that Eren himself would distance his friends because they were his weaknesses. :/

I don’t think Eren actually loves Armin, just what Armin symbolizes to him

Maybe a little but not as much

if we can believe what the message Isayama is making us read between the lines to see, yes, the 104th are his weakness and he is subjecting himself to be a terrible villain for their futures and freedom, 100%

HAS THE ANIME ADAPTATION OF THE SERUMBOWL™ CHANGED YOUR PERCEPTION OF EREN AND MIKASA IN THIS MOMENT? 367 Responses

When the Serumbowl chapters were first released, there were varying reactions to Eren and Mikasa’s actions. With years since then and the anime retelling, most viewers’ opinions remained unchanged, 69.5% of respondents say that they were always empathetic, while 10.1% are still indifferent, and 9.3% remain upset by their behavior.

I get where they were coming from, I still do. But I also still think they shouldn't have acted this way (neither of them, even Levi), but it was a tough and intense situation

It was badly animated and overacted so I cringed. But that’s not the characters’ fault

Eren was understandably sad but Mikasa proved her unlikability further with her need to resort to violence.

From their perspective, it was reasonable for them to feel that way. However, I felt disappointed that Erwin was going to die especially since I would have chosen him.

I understood their behavior, but they were in the wrong ( both versions)

Empathised before, but now moreso

It changed a bit from Eren side bc I was surprise by the ease he could have to rebel against someone he admire that much, but also Mikasa bc with a manga reader perspective, I saw that she wouldn't have killed none of Levi and Floch. But tbh I just  thought "Oh waw, it's almost scary to see how well they get along when it comes to murder someone"

EreMika being emotional during the serumbowl. Well that is understandable but not excusable. I could argue that Levi was emotional too, his decision to revive Armin wasn't just because he wanted Erwin to rest but also because he thought Armin had a good, pure dream (otherwise he wouldn't have gotten all those flashbacks of Armin flailing about the sea). But EreMika only wanted their friend alive, with little consideration towards Humanity's chances of survival, and only after a long process of persuasion did Mikasa finally let go of Armin...while Eren still did not. That, coupled with the fact that Mikasa legit attacked their one and only best soldier because emotions...I cannot find their actions justifiable…

Eren action just screams childish and selfish just like a child who is throwing a tantrum and crying out loud when his demand wasn’t fulfilled. I understand he can’t helped it since it’s his precious friend but it just shows his immaturity and his inability to understand other people pains other than his own. I don’t see him putting his faith in Levi’s decisions nor others comrades’ when the decisions didn’t go the way he likes; he was angry, bitter, he even forced to take it away and threatening.

FLOCH HAS COMPARED BOTH ERWIN AND EREN TO A DEVIL. DO YOU THINK HE SEES THE SAME QUALITIES IN EREN NOW THAN HE HAD SEEN IN ERWIN? 369 Responses

Floch believes only a devil can defeat their enemies. With the current happenings of the manga, 73.4% of respondents believe Floch thinks Eren holds similar “monstrous” qualities that Erwin had, though 14.6% are not quite sure.

Maybe Floch in the Manga is trying to become the devil because he knows no one else will do it.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SPLIT SECOND FLASHBACK OF ERWIN RAISING HIS HAND AT SCHOOL? 367 Responses

The anime added a brief transition scene of Erwin raising his hand at school. 52.9% of respondents enjoyed the addition and felt it helped show that Erwin was in a dreamlike state. 40.6% of viewers though it was a neat extra touch that added more impact to the moment. A small amount of viewers could have done without it.

I jumped when i saw that moment, that was a perfect decision, this episode is truly poetic cinema.

Essentially the second option, but I'd like to say that it wasn't just a "neat" addition, it was a heartbreakingly poignant one.

really makes you realize how much erwin was stuck in the past

I blinked and almost missed it, so if they were gonna add it, they should have made it a tad longer

Apparently this still wasn't enough for people to realize that this was Erwin hallucinating, and not him rejecting the serum.

I feel like Erwin overheard everything & willingly rejected the serum, but was just so out of it that he couldn’t form the right words to tell Levi his actual thoughts on the matter. I think it’s good writing, generally speaking.

I started sobbing

It was funny and silly actually

This scene was made in perfection. It showed Erwin’s hopes and dreams but also his big heroism and dedication to the cause.

iM NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

NOW THAT WE KNOW MORE ABOUT BERTOLT, HAVE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIS DEATH CHANGED? 366 Responses

More information on Bertolt’s backstory was revealed later in the manga, which had 31.7% of respondents feel more pity for him when watching his death in the anime. 24.6% were always sad to see him die and 21% of participants felt more sad about it.

Didn't really change. On one hand i feel bad for him but i also really disliked him.

His death in the anime mirrored Marco's and seemed fitting

Nah, i didn't felt anything when he died, and even tho i am more empatethic and pit for with him rn, he still killed hundreds of people. It's good to understand the characters reasons (somethign wedon't have with Eren) but it's also a fact that his reasons don't erase what he did.

I felt bad for Bert's death before the Marley arc. But more of a disturbing pity way. Now I feel alot more sympathetic. However, he still deserved to die unfortunately.

In that moment I felt so bad and there are times when I do but in general I prefer Paradis to Marley. Though I understand what an awful situation they are in. The music and how it was carried out was heartbreaking tho.

His reaction just broke me, in the end he was left alone, with his own guilt and unfulfilment.

I am more sympathetic, but I still believe that he brought that onto himself.

I've always been ambivalent about Bert's death; I'm not happy to see him die but I'm not particularly sad either.

No, he's one of the characters the series could never get me to care much for.

Seeing Bertholdt’s death made me a lot more emotional than the manga. His reaction and voice acting really hit it home for me since I have a soft spot for him after reading the manga. RIP Bertie, despite the circumstances he couldn’t control he definitely deserved better :’(

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE ADDITION OF BERTOLT SMILING AS HE SPOTS HIS FORMER COMRADES? 368 Responses

The anime added a moment of Bertolt’s temporarily smiling when he saw his former comrades.  44.3% of participants thought the addition added more emotional impact to his death, and 28.5% of participants felt sorry for him. 14.9% were upset that Bertolt had the nerve to smile at all.

Dark as heck, I love it

After he clearly asked them to die, how could he think they would help him? (Granted, he was panicking and all but still...)

It was a good show that for a brief moment after regaining consciousness, he was back to thinking of his days as a solder and that his old friendship would save him, before realizing the gravity of the situation

Didn't notice until it was pointed out on Reddit; strange detail to add

It made the scene weirdly comedic

That moment of hope then realization did work emotionally, but I preferred the way it happened in the manga.

It wasn't a smile. More like a baffled-smile.

We all know that his actions were imposed, and the thought of them alone has traumatized the RBA trio. They have shown many times the guilt and need for forgiveness for everything they did. They don't deserve any of this, much less die in such a horrible way as being devoured alive! For me, Berthold was a background character, the boy who was always next to Reiner and that's all, but reviewing and watching more closely his evolution in the anime, even more his death, made me feel really bad for him. Berth deserved more attention in his life, more love and praise, because it is evident that his self-esteem was THAT LOW for all the comments that others gave, including Reiner, his best friend. Anyway, as I said in a post, the one who died was not the Colossal Titan, was a lonely, shy and noble teenager who just wanted to be loved.

I truly wish the survey corps were instead able to convert Bertolt and Reiner to their side instead of watching Bertolt die so brutally. The fact that he flashed a smile when he saw his former comrades really goes to show that he instinctively thought of them as his friends. Truly a sad addition to the anime. All he wanted was to be found.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 366 Responses

From the preview scenes of the Basement, a majority 39.9% of participants anticipate the scene of Eren being unable to unlock the door with the key. 29.8% of respondents are most looking forward to Eren, Mikasa, Levi, and Hange approaching the basement. 13.7% are anticipating the scene where Armin learns about the sacrifices made to revive him.

I just need to see Eren's face trying so Hard to lift the bar that fell on top of his house and Mikasa and Levi just lift it like it is a feather.

Levi opening the basement's door with his foot is one of the best scenes of the whole chapter and no one will ever change my mind

THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS ABOUT A POSSIBLE ANIME-ONLY EM FLASHBACK SEQUENCE NEXT EPISODE TO MAKE SURE THE EPISODE ENDS WITH GRISHA AND FAYE LEAVING THEIR HOUSE. THOUGHTS? 367 Responses

There are rumors that the new episode will have an extended flashback with Eren and Mikasa.  60.8% of respondents are fine with the addition as long as it doesn’t detract from the manga material. Others are very excited about the flashback, don’t want the extra scenes, or don’t care.

As long as it contributes to what’s currently happening, I won’t have a problem with it.

I don't think anime has time for filler

The anime direly needs a breather episode to let people process the events of the last few episodes, and that would allow for it while also leading to an ending that brings in the next part of the story.

I dont like filler but if it's relevant and faithful to the story, why not

I like when they stick straight to the manga, but this will be interesting?

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

The anime deciding to work both 83 and 84 into an episode solved my biggest issue with Serumbowl just like that. By having both chapters flow into each other, the sense of urgency and chaos of the event actually resonated with me, rather that having lost that in the monthly wait between chapters. And I really appreciate that.

I was crying like a fuckin baby, this was amazing.

Wonderful episode. So much emotion. I was only disappointed to see that it removed the close-up shot of a crying Reiner. I believe it was the only scene of him ever shedding a tear since he became a warrior..

Hange may have suffered the most by losing her close friend/assistant and her close friend/commander + physically losing her left eye. She also has to step up to the mantle of being the new commander to fill the impossibly large shoes that Erwin left behind.

All the emotions I felt while watching this episode made me realise how much i am greatful for those who matter to me the most, this is why this episode was just the best.

Erwin will live forever in my heart. Best anime character

Sad that we didn't see Reiner crying.

I find it great that Bert's death was done in such a great way where whether you are a Manga or Anime-only viewer, you have tons of different conflicting opinions regarding Bert's death.

This episode was splendid, brilliant in every way, I just have to give a round of applause to the voice actors and animators who did this great work. And maybe for that reason and to relive these feelings already believed buried years ago, I thought about what things would have happened and not if another path had been taken. The death of Erwin was the breaking of everything. In that time (years ago) when I saw that Levi chose Armin, it was sad, VERY SAD, but I had faith that he would be the future and the hope to guide us to a better destiny, one without big conflicts and wise and transcendent decisions, but no. Until now Armin has not done much, almost nothing. The current situation of the government, the "betrayal" from Eren and genocide on Liberio, Historia waiting for the time to pass so that her son born and immediately introduce her to the curse that cost so much to get out, ingesting the Beast Titan from Zeke. All these factors make me think that if Erwin was alive none of this would have happened, his leadership and conviction are more necessary than ever now. And seeing it as a whole, more than the fact that Erwin is officially dead (I mean in anime and manga), it gives me even more pain and helplessness than before to see that maybe Levi's decision was not the right one. This feel of desolation also falls for Levi (ofc), Hange, Armin, Eren, Historia, in everyone! Perhaps if the situation had been different, maybe everything would be better, I don't know. However, I don't want to stop believing in Armin, if he was chosen is because he has a purpose to fulfill, perhaps being the new "Helos" that will stop this great war, I don't know either... We'll see it soon, I hope so.

Some of the timing in the animation was weird and irked me a little

"I read the manga, I know whats gonna happen, I'll be fine" - BOY WAS I WRONG! Cried like a bitch pratically the whole episode holy crap what a masterpiece this episode was

It was so so so so badly animated. It looked worse than the manga. The amount of completely still frames was absurd.

It feels like the end of an era. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch the anime the same way. After this, everything turns upside down, and everything seems tainted by the truth of their world. When I think like that I'm glad Levi let Erwin go when he did. Erwin would have thrived in the current events, for sure, but he would've hated it and himself for his part in it. I have no doubt Erwin would blame himself thoroughly for Armin's death, if he had been given the serum then.

Best episode of season 3 thus far. I feel like the art in this episode is the best out of any of them, mostly due to the fact that they probably brought back some of the season 2 staff to work their Close-Up-Facial-Shot-Magic™️. There was a lot of detail put into the faces of the characters this time around and I feel like that’s been lacking ever since season 3 started. I hope they stick around for the rest of the season.

As someone who is extremely neutral about Mikasa, this episode made me shed tears at the expression of utter pain she had when she accepted armin's death, 10/10 animation, how heartbreaking.

The last 3 episodes are the greatest Attack On Titan episodes ever. I just can't decide which one is the best. I am leaning on Hero, but both Perfect Game and Midnight Sun could easily take its place.

omg it was so good I died and thanked God that snk exists kjnhbdhcbdsapozkd

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 353 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days! 

[comicteaparty]

March 14th-March 20th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from March 14th, 2020 to March 20th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

How do you react to readers predicting your plot twists?

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Depends when they do. A page or two before it happens? Both of us get to feel clever. Yay! Months ahead? Well, obviously the thing I thought a a big twist ain't it, so I get to decide what other thing to focus on. I usually don't change the plot on reader predictions, but I can always change how a twist is presented from "Big surprise! Bet you didn't expect that" to "Well, ain't it neat to FINALLY have confirmation about that thing?"

Funnily, the best plottwist I ever wrote was in my now defunct comic. I thought it was obvious, but my few readers went "WOAH, didn't see THAT coming." So these days I try to just write the story and let the twists fall where they may.

Pistashi

ASDFPHIaewpf a friend of mine was reading my comic and he was making a lot of theories, a bunch of them was way off but he managed to be 100% accurate about one of his theories and I just started laughing nervously when he talked to me about it before it happened in the comic. This was years ago and the thing already happened and it's not a big deal anymore, but at the time I felt proud to write something that was obscure enough to not be on the reader's face but at the same time having someone figure it out after connecting the dots

I have little twists that happen in a more funny way, and it's usually used for comedy, and my readers seem to like it

but that's probably because of the expectations in humor coming from my writing style

which is usually bad puns and character reactions to absurd situations

and I agree witch chalcara, sometimes we can feel like we failed a plot twist when people see it from miles away

which is true, but sometimes even when they figure it out it's best to leave it as it is

I've seen a lot of writers fucking up their stories by changing plot twists that were stablished just because "people found out too early", and retconing a lot of the story in result

like, making a plot twist consists in creating some kind of foreshadowing

to make the twist not seem too forced and taken from nowhere

also to make it rewarding for those who searched deep for those clues

idk I love these little foreshadowing/clues we can leave for our readers

to make the twists even more powerful and meaningful

RebelVampire

I want to second a lot of the above. A plot twist should not be completely unguessable. Because if nobody guesses it, it means to most readers it's gonna feel like it makes no sense and came out of nowhere. The goal of a true twist is to have as few people as possible guess it but then when it's revealed, the reader smacks their head going "how could I miss all these clues."

Pistashi

exactly

Deo101 [Millennium]

Readers predicting things usually makes me lead with "oh no, I'm predictable!!!" And then makes me thing "wait, no, it means they're picking up on the hints I've left behind." Though sometimes it's predictable, like if someone guesses the actions of the next few pages, that's less of the readers picking up on hints and more just guessing right. But guessing big plot things, j think, is a reflection that I'm making things as clear as I need to, and I'm rather fond of it

Tantz Aerine (Without Moonlight)

99% of the times I am delighted if they guess the plot twist. I like it when I feel like my readers are on the same page as me (pun ...maybe not intended?) and see where things are going. Since my stuff is character driven, it tells me they can read the characters and their personalities well enough. However there was this one time when I had intentionally depicted something that was not going to be the historical norm (namely the p-51 mustangs' coats of paint on a cruiser in the opening scene of my WWII webcomic Brave Resistance). A war history buff called me out on it IMMEDIATELY saying "wait, these aren't how they're supposed to be!" and nearly spoiled the entire plot on page 2! I had to DM him to tell him to tone it down, and explain to him why the planes where the way they were. He apologized and stopped, but I'd wanted to throttle him for a while there

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I agree with Rebel re: the purpose of a plot twist. In that sense, though, I don't think my story even has plot twists. There is no moment anywhere in the story where I want the readers to go "how could I have missed all the clues!!!" ... On the spectrum of brainy vs hearty, my story is very close to the extreme end of hearty. Like, think of stories like The Little Prince or My Sweet Orange Tree. Even when unexpected things happen, it's never about the brilliant reveal. The most shocking thing in My Sweet Orange Tree comes out of nowhere, and it works for that book. Heart of Keol is a lot like those two in this regard. Not exactly the same, but pretty dang similar!

So back to the question, honestly? I want people to be able to guess. The usual bane of my existence is the opposite problem: people not knowing wtf is going on. My story isn't supposed to draw its strength from its surprises, so guess away (edited)

eli [a winged tale]

I love it when the reader guesses the gist of the plot twist a few pages just before the reveal. I sort of follow the novel structure idea that the reader should see what’s coming next right before it hits them, hence rewarding their investment in the story. Wild speculations without the clues I’ve planted are interesting. It does make me wonder if I relied too much on tropes or left too big of the crumbs. That being said, I’m not too fussed by readers predicting the general directions of the plot because it’s all about the character reactions. Could they predict that too? Maybe, to a degree. But there are a lot of subtext I try to write in my characters that give some nuances that I feel may entertain even those who guess correctly how the story would go. TL;DR: guess away. Love reading theories. The story is set so I won’t be changing anything big but perhaps layer the reveal with subtleties.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I've actually never had readers guess what's coming next. I mean, unless you count obvious, broad stuff (such as "the MCs get together"). I mean, it IS a romance. But in regards to big plot events, no one has gotten remotely close with their predictions (which kind of surprises me, because I drop clues everywhere). To be fair, I'm only a chapter in, so I guess it makes sense. But I am excited for the day when people finally guess

eli [a winged tale]

Same Cronaj! The predictions I’m speaking of are from my betas reading the entire script I love it when then go—- “omg this [plot point] must mean [reveal!]” .... right before the reveal

Feather J. Fern

If anyone does pick out certian plot twists I will be like "Yesssss people do think like me, I am not crazy" XD because most of my twists are all shown from the start through hidden background things so if people found them I am excited they took time and effort to figure out twists

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I love it. I haven’t been disappointed about it yet, and I don’t think I will be. It doesn’t make me change the twists at all - in fact, I’ve even shifted some story elements around to give the readers even more confirmation that they’re right, earlier on in the plot. I want to reward them with a treat, and now they can revel in their cleverness a bit longer Hee hee.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I love it too, but I don't change things to make readers more right like LadyLazuli does. Sometimes I'm tempted to, though! My readers have good ideas!

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I like plot twists so I like to set a hint of them off early tbh (edited)

but I try not to make it too obivous :3c

tho for those who like to guess, I welcome it. I like hearing folks and their interpretations even if it's not what I'm going for too lol

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Admittedly, a lot of it is due to the nature of the medium. I know that webcomics take ages to get to major reveals or spoilers - I can wait to totally-confirm things, but I can't wait to... almost-confirm things? I don't want people to get tired or frustrated. I know I've gotten angry at anime shows that take 20 episodes to confirm something we guessed at episode 1, so I like when these things are all but confirmed early on. It can be really fun to know a secret that, maybe, the heroes don't know. It gives an extra layer of STOP, NO, DON'T GO IN THERE! in times of danger

But given my propensity to practically s c r e a m my spoilers to people who I can trust with the plot... a lot of it is just me bursting at the seams wanting to say YES YOU'RE CORRECT.

Patience and restraint. Essential things in webcomics

eli [a winged tale]

Indeed! So much patience needed I do love some excellent plot twists executed just chefs kiss

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Yes! I just want to tell readers, "Oh God, you're right! Good job!" But instead I usually respond with a ":)" or "I like this analysis!" Which I think is basically just confirming it. But if it's a real life friend? I cannot resist from telling them everything. I've even spilled spoilers in this chat before, trusting that most people here haven't read my comic. Kind of backfired when I reached a major plot point and someone commented, "She's been waiting to bust out this plot point for so long." Oops, guess someone did read my forum posts. But even if I did spoil things in the comments, is it really that big of a deal? I'm the kind of person where spoilers don't detract from my experience of things and sometimes even adds to it. But some people care about spoilers, so.(edited)

eli [a winged tale]

Haha yeah it’s honestly so freeing to just tell someone about the spoilers

Here’s what I have planned that will wreak the readers muahaha

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Past me could super relate to that! But these days I don't really want to TELL people? I'm not sure if that's because I've changed as a person, or if it's because this story is different from my previous ones. That being said, my patience is not infinite. I am itching to SHOW people. Can't wait to get to those Big Scenes

"Big" is a weird adjective here because they're very small scenes in some ways. Very intimate/personal

But... you guys know what I mean. The scenes that every longform webcomicker is dying to get to

Mei

Oh gosh, I agree that plot twists shouldn't be entirely out of the blue, since it's nice to have the hints that give people the crumbs to follow a trail. But like, since I write a lot of these chapters way in advance, and if I had the chance I'd love for them to be readable in one go as opposed to a page per week, I fear that I'm boring people with a predictable punchline? That being said, I get so many comments that predict the end of the chapter or the punchline or the joke. And I'm always like "haha maybe????" but inside i'm like "oh my god, they got me, THEY GOT ME"

Ohh yeah keii I get what you mean

the scenes you're like, checking your watch, checking your current pagecount, and thinking "soon I'll get to draw it, and it will be marvellous"

eli [a winged tale]

Oh gosh those scenes for me are at the finale

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

TBH last time I got to one of those scenes (which was very recent), my anxiety skyrocketed because I was expecting someone to say something harsh. Because it happened in all of the previous ones. But this time it went well, so hopefully the future ones will, too?

eli [a winged tale]

Yay!

Deo101 [Millennium]

I think for me, I worry more than anything that it will ruin things for other readers, rather than me worrying so much about someone guessing right or me sharing spoilers.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Someone DID say something harsh, but it was right before the actual scene and not about the scene and a lot of people got fed up with their attitude so I felt like it wasn't my fault, lol

eli [a winged tale]

Ruin things for other readers? Oh like someone predicting correctly in the comments?

Deo101 [Millennium]

Also yay! I always get anxiety about those kinds of scenes

Yes, someone predicting Something

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Well thought-out predictions are a lot of fun to read though, as a reader going through the comment section

eli [a winged tale]

I guess I stopped minding it and now embrace it they could be wrong or right and who knows until we get there~

Oh totally!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Oh I don't mind so much, but that doesn't mean I don't worry a bit too!

J like reading them for me, but I still think "I wonder if this will ruin it for someone else"

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Occasionally there are problems with Korean webcomics that were originally webnovels? Because people who've read the novel version sometimes spoil things in the comic comment section, and that's not cool. They're not even theorizing, they're straight up spoiling.

Deo101 [Millennium]

:(

eli [a winged tale]

Oh no that’s bad

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

But if people are theorizing, and the theories turn out to be right, that's all very fun IMO!

Mei

ugh when people spoil things it irritates me to no end. Let people enjooy it for what it is!

and yes!! that's one of my fave things too

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, every reader is different though. I have some people who explicitly have asked me not to share spoilers, and others who kinda beg for them! So I worry if some people don't like to see predictions (I know my dad doesn't like when I guess things in a movie)

Mei

theorising, discussing with other fans, just chatting about what you think may or may not happen

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Sometimes you even see comments like "Hurry up, Konans! I'm too tired to think, so post some good interpretations/theories!" lol (Konan as in the detective... in Korea, it's a term for hardcore theorizers in webcomic comment sections)

Oh, I think movies are different

I don't want any form of verbal remarks while I'm watching a movie

Or like, if I'm marathonning a show with my bro, we're entirely silent except between episodes.

But comment section is like, you have to actually go there.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Some people might be like that for comics, too. Idk. I'm not trying to say i don't like to see theories I'm just trying to think of everything that makes me worry about them is all.

And for me, the biggest worry would be that someone seeing a prediction would make them enjoy my comic less. It doesn't mean I necessarily think it's all that common, but I refuse to say it won't happen I think

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Personally, I think that's not an issue unless you confirm the commenter's theories

like I've seen theories for things online where my first reaction is "that's dumb, that would never happen" and then it happens

some people will latch onto another person's theory, others will reject it, but i don't think people will take it as a spoiler in advance

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Yeah, theories are just theories

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I mean I know some people don't even want to hear other readers' theories, but if they are that extreme, they need to avoid the comment section on their own IMO?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

^^

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

like... cool, I respect your preferences, but you can't hold me responsible, pal!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Again I'm not trying to say I don't like theories or I don't want them I'm just trying to think of all potential issues with them

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Granted, I'm one of those people who will scroll through the comments and read theories because I like to see all the smart people reveal the clues to dumb people like me

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I can relate to that

@Deo101 [Millennium] Understandable! Just don't be too hard on yourself for things that you can't control

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Those geniuses that remember details from 30 chapters ago and somehow manage to connect the dots

Mei

Exactly! The comment section is there, but it's their choice to read it, and also like it's not your fault either? like they're not YOUR comments

haha in our RPG games sometimes people drop character plot hints way at the start of the campaign, and my friend will turn up, 7 months later, " remember when Character A said this? I remember"

and everyone's like "what the heck?!" some people are just detectives

they can see it, they see the matrix

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Anyway, I love when my readers theorize! I don't believe any reader has guessed any of the major plot twists in the first two books, despite there being enough evidence beforehand to make a guess (closest was "whatever zebugu's doing, it's not evil this time" but not the specifics of what he was doing). Though, if they had, I wouldn't mind, since that's max two years they gotta wait before the reveal (and that's assuming they guess it on the cover page lol). Book 3 is a different beast - strictly speaking, there's enough evidence for someone to predict both twists at the end of the book, right now. And... that may be an issue, given that this book will take over three years to reach those twists. So... we'll see if anyone guesses them. What's weirdest is when people guess things almost correctly with absolutely NO hints. And it's some super specific and minor thing like "Mizuki is secretly the reincarnation of a thousand-year-old dragon". Like... there haven't even been dragons mentioned in the comic up to this point. Nor any events from a thousand years ago. And like, that's not exactly the truth, but how do you get THAT close???(edited)

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

They see E V E R Y T H I N G

eli [a winged tale]

Sometimes it’s a trope thing? But yeah wild speculations can be so wild but so spot on

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

but there aren't any fantasy creatures in the comic, at all!

except a squid with feet!

eli [a winged tale]

Lol whaaaat then yea not sure where the dragon part came from then

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Sherlock Holmes readers lol

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah detective Conan lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Joke gone awry

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

basically

Feather J. Fern

Well I mean I have crack theories about random people being random things too so...

I can see where they come from XD

sagaholmgaard

tbh I think my comic is fairly easy to predict as it has a pretty straightforward narrative xD but I don't have that many readers yet so maybe in the future! I would have fun reading people's guesses and predictions :D

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

AAA my readers right now are so accurate. They're so smart. They make me want to post my entire buffer right now and prove them right.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I wonder if anyone would be able to predict the next things happening in joe is dead

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I at least have no idea what's going to happen next but am looking forward to it anyways(edited)

🌈ERROR404 🌈

i know that it's only because TH is still quite new, and I haven't gotten to the meat of the story yet, but i like reading some of the really out there predictions and worries i get in some of the comments lol

AntiBunny

I will never tell someone if their guess is right or wrong, but if they do guess it, it probably means I'm foreshadowing well.

Then again I also find myself writing by the seat of my pants, so plans are subject to change.

kayotics

The original question mentions “plot twists” but I’m never trying to make a plot twist personally. I may intentionally obfuscate things, but I don’t ever try to do wild twists and turns. So when a reader predicts what will happen, I actually don’t mind, and I’m pretty happy that it’s following a logical chain of events. On the other hand, when readers are totally off base, I think that’s REALLY fun.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Most of my readers feel that my comics are twisty and surprising, but I often get at least one reader who correctly guesses what will happen, even if sometimes they’re joking or think their theory is wild and out there. Honestly it feels pretty awesome to have a reader shrewd enough to puzzle out the clues, because that means they’re really paying attention. I don’t have a very big audience and most of the time they’re silent, so anytime someone leaves a comment that is carefully thought out, it makes me really happy. As for the times readers joke or wildly speculate but inadvertently hit the nail right on the head, I find those very amusing. I really love stories with well done twists and turns, and so I try very hard to execute good plot twists that have enough foreshadowing to be ‘Aha!’ moments rather than ‘Where did that even come from?’ moments. So I love when readers are both properly misdirected AND when they pick up on the clues and deduce the twist.(edited)

DanitheCarutor

Does my comic have plot twists? I don't really think about it. People have correctly guessed things that will happen in a chapter, someone even guessed correctly on the climax when a character named Daniel was introduced... well, it was more like "I hope things don't turn out like -blank-!". I don't mind, just because they guessed something correctly doesn't mean they know how the story will go for sure, it just means that they're theorizing and that is something I always encourage. I don't think that means the story is boring or predictable either, some people are just really good at that stuff. Even though I don't think my comic is very mysterious/unpredictable it's still impressive when someone pays attention to all the little visual and dialogue details, then guessing correctly about a future event based on them. Nothing more flattering than someone enjoying your comic enough to analyze it.

Lmao! I can't tell you how many movies I've ruined for people because I guessed a plot twist correctly.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Haha, honestly same. I’m not allowed to make predictions during movies or TV shows anymore bc I almost always get it right. XD Webcomics I find a bit more unpredictable, though, because most of them aren’t nearly as formulaic as mainstream film.

DanitheCarutor

Yeah! Even if it's not obvious most of the time movies go by a pattern or set of traits, once you learn how they go a film or TV show becomes a lot more easy to figure out right away. The only time I'm stumped is when the movie is really surreal or absolutely awful. That's the nice thing about webcomics in a way. I assume a lot of creators haven't had professional training, and we want to tell a story more than be entertaining to the masses, so stories are less predictable. They don't always go by a formula, which can be refreshing.

Capitania do Azar

Aw man I would love to have some theories, but for the time unfortunately I don't I'm always super curious about how readers interpret things given they don't have an inside view of things

[radiomind60]

Is this normal?

Is it okay to be clueless and be the smoke of the fire?

The future is so clouded - I don't see a future me.

I don't know what to do

What's gonna happen

Clueless about my degree.

Is it just burnout or...

Whenever people ask me about my future plans, Im genuinely clueless. Yeah I throw away some things, like masters of whatever... because I hate being out of answers.

Tbh I don't even know what it's there to prepare for competitive exams. I don't know/not sure about where to start from. I thought it'd be fine but I dig into a silver spoon just by thinking about it. Yeah I cleared my college entrance - got a pretty low rank but got admitted in my desired field anyway.

But tbh I don't see myself as anything. Anyone.

Everyone has it all sorted out and full of energy about the future... nothing matters to me anymore.

All I want is to feel included. This is something I struggle with - loneliness and fear of being left behind everyone else... although that's whats been happening for decades - so it doesn't matter anymore. I haven't tried enough - I don't know what it's like to try anymore.

Not a plea for help. Yeah, I'm privileged, and my parents are honest providers....they've never enforced their ideals...tbh they can't even if they tried.

There's no point to my writing. That's just how messed up my head is.

Never been excellent in anything I do... because I don't look forward to anything.

Is this normal or am I mentally ill?

If it's the latter - I've been ill since birth.

P.S. Okay fine, I don't know what it's like to lose people. Maybe I'm not in depression at all. Maybe I don't even understand what it's like to be depressed. I'm just 21! I have a whole life.

But hey - you do need a reason to go on. I don't have any. At least I can't find. What about the people I love? They'll be better off without me. I'm not the main character in anyone's life anyways and they're just dragging it on because yeah - they've got to and no choice. Mum and dad? They'll definitely be better off without me. Im a huge investment with no results. Fine results do not matter - but it does.

Despite all such really really dark thoughts, why do I still go on? I'm scared of death. I'm scared of pain. I'm scared the pain of death would be even more overwhelming. I'm already in so much pain.

Fucking hell? Am I supposed to think this anyway or its not even thoughts at all???

I'm overreacting?

I'm tired to go on yeah. This world is only the survival of the fittest and the best. No space for mediocres like me. Headstart to obliterate - it gets even worse and I'm soo fucking tired of letting everyone down. No, no one ever enforced things on me because THEY CAN'T. Why? Because I can't live up to it. So I stopped caring and I'm just a side chaarcter anyways and no one really bothers about me. Do I care? No. I do my job and fail miserably - YES.

Am I hurt? Yes.

Can I try to make it better? I've tried all possibilities. I can't go on. Despite that I get up. Yes.

But now, no. I'm as clueless as the universe.

[cloudcreates]

i saw only a few draws of yanya but i want to know more about him :

kicks the door in WELL my friend ur in LUCK bc i have a LOT of shit abt yanya to talk abt

let’s kick it off with his backstory SHALL WE

so ! yanyas a lil kitsune boi raised in a little village in the outskirts of karnosea on famia, we dont have a name for it yet its not important w/e ANYWAY

he was BORN in a bigger town in central karnosea which i also dont have a name for but its also not important, what IS important is that he was a happy lil gremlin for most of his little babby years until he hit about elementary school where all the other kids’ parents started teaching them to be racist towards orcs and kitsunes and lizardfolk n shit! so they started being little shits towards him. which made him not like being in fox shape around them anymore. or in general.

so when his mums, shiranuit, a kitsune barbarian, and resnerina, a half-orc witch, were like “fuck that shit,” they moved away to that much smaller settlement, made up almost Entirely of rarer races like catfolk and wyvaran, and also orcs and ogres and stuff yea

and things were p alright! yanyas mums love him Very Much ok i love them and i love him and they all love each other. shiranuit works as a weaponsmith, and resnerina works as a luthier. so when u mashed their work together, u got yanya, a skald, or Basically a rage bard, who makes all his weapons and instruments, bc he makes his weapons into instruments, and vice versa.

his first weapon in game was a heavy mace that doubled as a guitar! it was crafted from metal ofc but its body was in the shape of a cow skull bc that shit’s metal. on one side was the guitar all strung up, and on the other he’d flip it around and it’s just Covered in spikes for him to beat the shit out of whatever 8)c

he uses his music to express himself. even with cure and mending magic, destroying things and lashing out and being aggressive all the time doesn’t make him feel good, so he’ll usually just turn to screaming out some sick tunes instead. his music’s very important to him.

moving back to early life however! he moved on through school pretty easy. i mean. not Entirely too easily bc the boy’s dumb as a brick so w/e he just. he didnt flunk out at the very least ok Cs get degrees anyway

and when he was abt.. 16, 17, he met ash!  his first..and Only girly friend who’s also a kitsune, and a gunslinger! between the two of them, she’s kind of.. the ‘brains’ but. even then she’s not like, super smart. it’s just.. not hard to be smarter than yanya w/ that sweet 7 WIS and 10 INT score lmfao. she’s plenty clever tho!

around this time yanya and ash didn’t go to school, they travelled around their local part of karnosea causing a little trouble here and there bc well. they’re of chaotic alignment. however! chaotic good alignment, so they really only gave hell to..racists 8) .. bc fuck em

the thing is though, while yanya had two mums that loved him a lot, ash didn’t. she had one mum that sucked a bunch and constantly berated her, and yanya knew, it was partially why they spent so much time just carting around wildly, having fun, bc yanya knew she deserved better!

as a side note, karnosea is neighboring artorias, which is the Big Capital of famia, where Queen Azaroa has opened a bard college! probably the best and most chattered abt all over the world tbh. you can bet yanya’s heard of it by now, being as musically inclined as he is, and has always sort of dreamed of going there.. but shit, he and his fam ain’t making that kind of money, lmfao

but! it just so happens, as rumors say, there’s a new scholarship surfacing, offered specifically to members of more. rare races, such as kitsunes! yanya can’t lie about his interest being piqued..

but the thing was, from 16 going on 18, he was sort of perfectly happy and content just travelling around like a rascal with ash, because they were best friends!! and having fun!! and without yanya, he thought ash would be all alone with her fuckin mean ass mum!! he didn’t want that, and also that bard college is probably overrated anyway, whatever..

ash’s mum isn’t having any of it, wtf ash is happy??  

the second ash and yanya get back home from whatever little bout of travel they were on, ash’s mum goes on a tirade at ash about how she’s dragging yanya down and holding him back, how she’s not good enough for him, etc.. so ash panics, because she knows he isn’t going to leave her unless she makes him never wanna see her again.

so! that same day, ash tells yanya about. how she’s been cheating on him the whole time. laughs in his face. tells him he should’ve expected it, kitsunes are known for being tricksters, liars after all!

he’s heartbroken.. so he leaves for artorias in a shocked daze probably not a full 12 hr later 

and he gets accepted to the college!

ofc being kinda poor and rough around the edges, it’s not without it’s fair share of. snooty ass rich kids being assholes, which is whatever. turns out tho, some of those rich kids are from karnosea! so because yanyas as subtle as an airhorn, rumors about him not being human spread. guess who gets to deal with racist school peers all over again! yaaaay

it’s not totally bleak, though. at college yanya met jonavahn, neyla, pazzoch, and a bunch of the other rare-race scholarship kids and they all form their own little nestled group of friends :’>

soo because yanya’s fuckin shit at like, learning, he like, does kind of piss poor in all the actual study-centric classes lmfao. but! he’s fantastic at the physical side of things–he excels with playing instruments and melee fighting, because it’s less read-a-book-and-study and more muscle memory and physical training and practice, ofc. he just barely graduated bc getting half amazing grades and half shitty grades only balances out to so much, but dAMMIT HE DID IT

so when he graduates, he goes back home for a little bit. im sure while he was at college, he managed to visit his mums back at karnosea for a little bit on breaks, but. just the idea of going back to karnosea, just knowing that. it’s where ash was. it made it a lot harder in practice than it was in theory for him lmfao.

but being back home, getting to see him mums again! it makes him really happy! because his mums love him a lot !!! and love and support him a shit ton!! they’re so proud! look at their son that graduated from the artorian queen’s bard college! holy shit!!

yanya realizes sometimes that he takes his mums for granted.. they’ve always been there to makes him feel like everything’s ok. and they do a damn good job of it! 

 a fun fact! lershe, my old incompetence quest 1 character, is a half-orc monk–by the end of iq1, he became a lycanthrope (this was in dnd 3.5, so monks could still get infected by lycanthropy), and also a lvl 30 minor deity lmfao

lershe was separated from his dad, who was raising him on his own, at a v young age. at the end of iq1, lershe sought him out, found him again, and found out that he’d started a new family with a new wife! and tbh lershe met his mum in iq1 he could not be happier for his dad lmfao. but they have a daughter! so lershe has a little half-sister! and that little half-sister is resnerina!

because lycanthropes and kitsunes share a sort of similar ability in changing shape ya kno yeah, when yanya was a little kid, lershe was still “alive” as a mortal half-orc (lershe put off accepting that he was an immortal deity for a long time) and. was a big inspiration for yanya, naturally. these kids and people were giving him shit for being able to change shape into something that resembled an animal, but his uncle lershe can do it to, and HE’S a god!! so whatever!!

anyway so iq2 started off by all the characters running into each other in a little town in karnosea and some shit abt a cave off the outskirts of town getting ransacked by mercenaries or smth, idr

a little before then our DM said txeru and yanya were going to enter town together, and aria and karrina were going to enter town together, and we could come up w/ whatever reason why they’d end up together so txeru and yanya met first actually, just outside on town in a little tavern where they. probably got into a little scuffle just bc bar fights are fun. who cares. its fine. 

its ironic bc right now, in game, txeru and yanya are fucking pissed at each other! and its great. the drama is clearing my skin. my crops are prospering. 

basically txeru is a kasatha, an alien race not native to famia, and he’s come to famia trying to hide from two .. sort of alien police that’re after him for all the petty crimes he’s done. thing is, these two Very Specific alien cops are after him because. he kinda. was romantically involved with Both of them, one being his partner in crime and the other being of kasathan royalty–when he was backed into a corner and about to get caught he kind of ditched his partner and left the noble out high and dry so they’re both PISSED at him

they recently made their way to famia and found txeru, and after we TURNED TAIL AND RAN THE FUCK OFF from them, txeru explained his story

having his heart fucking shattered by ash, yanya kinda wasn’t super happy to find out txeru was a heart-shattering asshole himself! 

so he DECKED HIM IN THE FACE and hadn’t spoken a kind word to him in like, a week

NOW they’re talking, it’s just. every word they say to each other is some variant of “fuck you” and atm we’re waiting for a boiling point to hit to see if they’ll kiss and make up or if they’re just gonna have to hate each other! 8) im so excited

meanwhile this entire time, we’re level 10 right now. so half way to the capstone level 20. 

yanya still hasn’t formally revealed that he’s a kitsune to anyone in the group. but! as i said. the boy’s subtle as a brick thrown through a window. he’s slipped up enough times in his human disguise for just about everyone in the party to catch just a little something being off about him, but since most of the party is from artorias, away from the rarer races of karnosea, not everyone knows what a kitsune is

BUT we HAVE met a kitsune in game! madame fouxy (blame my dm for that name), but even then she only shifted from an actual fox shape to anthro fox shape, not to human shape. so they’re still unaware that kitsunes can even do that atm, meaning yanya’s ruse is hanging on by a thread lmfao

he’d just come out and say it bc he’s well aware everyone’s probably seen through him by now, but. it’s suppose to be a secret. knowing that everyone knows doesn’t make him wanna tell it, it makes him wanna convince everyone they’re wrong, even though they’re right, and he doesn’t like lying ,and if everyone’s already figured it out already, then he’s not doing a good job at keeping his own damn secrets, which freaks him out, and… etc

yanya’s favorite colors are red and blue, his favorite food is smoked rabbit, he’s 6′2″ flat on his heels in human shape, but he’s wearing stilettos bc he’s use to toe walking in fox-shape, which usually puts him up to about 6′4″, 6′5″..

he’s got a shit ton of muscle, and he eats a lot to keep up his energy! so he has his fair share of fat w a soft belly. he weighs probably anywhere from 250-300 bc im not good w weights lmfao

he has a total of.. 14 piercings, four on each ear, one on each eyebrow, two on his lips, one on his nose, and one on his tongue, almost all of which he got at the bard college lmfaoo

atm at level 10, he has 5 tails! only one spell-like ability from them, however, which is disguise self. 

he knows how to sew!

he has a fear of mirrors and heights.

it’s less a ‘fear’ and more. he doesn’t like looking at himself in the mirror, practically can’t stand it when he’s in human shape. seeing his human face all he can think is “liar, liar, liar” because that’s not his ‘real’ face. seeing his fox face he’s only reminded how much fewer people would rather see him this way. if he has to, he’ll much prefer looking at his fox face, however.

AND I THINK..THAT MAY JUST COVER IT..if it’s not everything it’s Pretty close, and if i come up w anything new ur probably gonna see me draw it at some point LMFAO

[disparais]

that piece cannot be moved

(aka my nightmarish week back "home”)

24 September:

i want to scream but i can’t because i’m not even the screaming type. how sad is that.

i distinctly recall blowing off a little steam at kt re my mom last night. can’t even recall what it was about now because i keep procrastinating writing this post in its entirety (please don’t blame me both neo and msl are having events hurhur and texting friends is infinitely more appealing than dealing with my crappy life). probably something about how she’s been even more of a control freak than she usually is this past week because she’s out of her mind with stress about my brother’s promos. (he is in really bad shape though he’s all set to fail math so i think i might have to stage an intervention tomorrow.)

today i was stunned when she verbalized the possibility that she had an anxiety/control issue in the car. she foreshadowed this topic on the way out, checking the stove a whole bunch of times (which is highly uncharacteristic of her) and wryly noting how similar her behaviour was to that of OCD patients she’d met. but the true shock came when in the backseat, she casually mentioned that it was probably a manifestation of her anxiety, and admitted that my brother’s prelims are making her antsy as heck (no shit, sherlock).

kt was so positive and encouraging about it. i hope things get better.

(later that day)

today i was incensed. i got back (from a strange dinner date with m s f - this was really uncomfortable, yet familiar. idk i am bothered by this too but more on this in a separate post) and g was telling me about how worried she was about lunch with cl/her emotional reaction/how ready she felt for a confrontation. i was texting g about that, when mom appears and is all like “why aren’t you (doing what you’re supposed to do)” rn.

i can’t calmly narrate this part so i’m just going to script-ify it, bless my auditory memory:

me: f is having some issues so i’m talking her through them (i’m so sorry f if you ever see this - i have to lie about which friends i’m talking to sometimes because dear ol’ judgmental mom has an issue with humans having human issues & she already sees g as a burden)

mom: why are your friends so emo? people will always have problems; no one’s going to remember this conversation in a while anyway

me (indignant): i care that i’m there for them when they need me, and i will remember this conversation, and i’m sure they care that i was there when they needed me. i’d rather be there for my friends than graduate with a fucking mbbs anyway

mom: your friends won’t be friends with you in future if you don’t have an mbbs

me: how dare you presume what my friends will be like??? sure some might change but right now not one of them is like that and i’m sorry you feel this way about friendships ?!?!

mom (with calm certainty): it’s difficult to be friends with someone not from your socioeconomic class. like imagine visiting their big house in bukit timah [and there being this awkwardness because they both know you’re not as well-off]

i was so ANGRY i could feel it in my extremities and all my blood just rushed to my head. it is vital that i get this conversation down on paper because i need to remember that every time i second-guess myself and 心软, i need to force myself to remember that i’m not dealing with someone who cares about my feelings (or, perhaps, anyone’s feelings).

don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me (in her own warped way). it’s just that she doesn’t respect me as an individual, doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings/dreams/me as a person in general, and doesn’t want to admit she’s flawed in any way. (which is why i’m never going to get a sincere apology + repentance from her, and why every time something goes wrong it’s everyone’s fault but her own - tbh this is everyone in the household other than me and rarely my dad UGH what is it with people and their inability to admit/take responsibility for their wrongdoings?)

26 September:

apparently, to this family, i am little more than an investment.

first she had to come argue with me in the damn shower. and then she had to drop bombs like those and now she expects quick healing. goodness. chernobyl is still a wasteland. it’s not as simple as downing a parlyz heal. even appendix cancer surgery pales in comparison. how do we recover from things like these?

we don’t, that’s how.

while sobbing my eyes out in the shower (if i can’t cry silently shit is pretty damn real because i can’t remember the last time i couldn’t suppress my sobs), i can admit that the following possibilities crossed my mind, some with a greater degree of seriousness of intent than others:

applying for a gap semester

transferring to fass and doing my dream job already ahh i got a taste of it again when editing s’ reflection and he said “your writing is damn imba” + “it’s like driving a toyota to servicing and getting a merc[edes] in return” hehe i was deeply pleased. this is something i excel at that effortlessly that i actually enjoy. why God why

离家出走, which brought me to...

...staying in capt permanently (i immediately ruled this out because i bet that woman would show up and bang my doors down since who lets investments run away? that’d make me a ponzi scheme)

legal emancipation (i wondered if i would get access to the admittedly-not-a-lot-of-money in the bank registered under my name), which brought me to...

...半工半读 and/or applying for scholarships/bursaries (a good idea esp when coupled with legal emancipation, methinks)

finality (but no i’ve considered this way too many times and whenever i do the math it’s never going to be worth it. first and foremost there’s the eternal wrath of my Creator to deal with. and i do not live for my family - my life is not theirs to 左右; there are so many beautiful things i live for like close friends and classical music and serendipitous moments and i know there is more ahead for me. my life is a symphony and i have barely finished my first sonata.)

27 September:

for the second time in my life, i caught myself doing the continent thing.

i chose to rant to f, who did tell me what i needed to hear, which was reassuring coming from her since i’m real stressed about us drifting apart. it seems as though s is her primary confidante these days and i’m not benchmarking, i’m really not (i haven’t figured out why since f means so much to me) - it’s just made me wonder if my importance has diminished. f knew to reassure me in terms of how desirable my time/company was (smart) because of how happy i made her (smarter). i think the misstep was telling me that everything would be fine again with family, and pulling out the ohana quote - i have no room in my life for emptily encouraging bs. but i reiterate, i drew much strength from the personal bit. and for that i am deeply grateful.

i’m vaguely sorry for pretending i was fine, but kt already has so much on her plate and i’ve already stretched her bandwidth on monday night so i felt like showing my brokenness to her wouldn’t be the best thing for her.

my gratitude knows no bounds. she effortlessly pulled me out of my (i am lost for words because “bad mood” doesn’t even begin to cut it).

because i was grappling with feelings of unworthiness/commodification, i really just needed to know that i was loved as simply myself, and no one else. not the doctor-to-be, not the daughter, not the comm member, not even the spiritual sister. just me. and she made me feel like i was enough. my mood lifted within like 5-10 minutes of talking to her, and mentioning 凤凰传奇’s most ridiculous songs (completely random on my end) sparked one of our most hilarious conversations to date.

i’m just so much lighter and happier, knowing that someone values me of their own volition.