#like trying not to collapse to the floor
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seeing hozier live was a religious experience...
#i feel forever changed as a person#i felt my soul ascened!!!#it was so so good like i cant stress that enough omfg#never forgiving him for not playing like real people do or wasteland baby#like how are you not gonna play the title track#be so serious#but omg he talked to us sooo much#and it was so so special#like i was fully sobbing during his speech before someone from a warmer climate#the way he speaks is just so wow#i could listen to that man talk this mind for an unhealthy amount of time#ALSO THE CROWD WAS SO LIVE#like it all felt so safe#take me to church absolutely broke me#ripped my soul out of my body etc etc#he took me to church!#i dont even remember the break before the encore bc i was just gripping the chair in front of me#like trying not to collapse to the floor#everyone screaming amen killed me#it was just such an experience#i love him sm#that concert fixed me#i dont even wanna talk abt work song#there are videos that my friends took#and im just full on SOBBING#no exaggeration#anyways yea#it was so good#highly recommend#he also sounded sooooo good
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i love the bit from oct 17 2020 when tommy and quackity trapped wilbur in a cobblestone box to keep him from pressing the button... wilbur punching through the blocks with his bare hand to try to get to the button... tommy frantically replacing the block in front of him yelling for quackity to do something... the moment when tommy stops, blocks the exit, and tells wilbur to do it. press the button. but then theyd die with him. quackitys like "wait, wait-" but tommy holds his ground and wilbur. ohh wilbur. "why'd you have to make it so hard?"
#my post#this is just me rambling sorry i love that stream ive watched it sososossoooo many times from all 3 povs#AND AFTER TOMMY AND QUACKITY LEAVE....#wilbur replaces the button. i just need to know that its there.#and he goes on and on about how hes such a showman. how he shouldve just pressed it when he was alone.#but he just NEEDED someone to see him he needed someone to bear witness. guh#shaking. shaking. shaking. tommy put so much trust in him in that moment. he looked at him and said i know you want to hurt yourself but yo#wouldnt hurt me. and is he right to believe that? is he? maybe back in lmanberg maybe back during 'your life is worth more than the#revolution' but in pogtopia?? during 'wilbur wanted to be treated poorly so he treated others poorly'? it was a gamble for sure#and i mean as time went on tommy realized that. that as much as he cared about wilbur he couldnt trust him all the way.#but either way. in that moment i think tommy was sure that wilbur wouldnt press it if he realized that tommyd be killed as well.#that even though at this point people were saying wilbur was crazy. that hed lost it. that even if he didnt get it he knew something was#different about wilbur now. in that moment he bet everything on if there was anything of his brother left he wouldnt hurt him.#fucking. collapses onto the floor#disclaimer if anyone actually reads this far im not trying to slander pogbur in 2024 by calling him crazy thats just how like. every single#other character saw him.#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk
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In truth hes very proud of Senjuro for always trying so hard.. eventually he'll manage to say it out loud.
#rui and senjuro are so.. ugh collapses to the floor they aren't Really children of neglect but by god .#(youre projecting) I KNOW.😭 and ill mumble more at the end tags#senjuro rengoku#rui ayaki#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#senrui#kny#my art#like ugh#most of the cast of kny is suffering neglected child syndrome . among other things but that list is too long.another day perhaps#Senjuro is a child of neglect. yes Kyojuro was there and did a wonderful job while he could but. its undeniable that Sen has been neglected#and i feel it. in every interaction senjuro has. he is so very kind and so very willing to help but has so little avenues to go through#with Rui its projection in a very personal way but also i just really feel it in my bones something was off#like his parents seem very kind but also like so many instances of his backstory felt. hand motions. why wasnt someone there.#yknow what i mean?????#anyway whats fucking point am i trying to make#rui and senjuro are both children of neglect and their veiws and mindsets are heavily affected by this and i think together#they could take care of eachother and give eachother a sort of security theyve been missing for so very long#they will be eachothers loving home.#coughs. sorry anyways#ive been keeping it to myself because .worries of no one caring you know how it is#but i have an au very dear to me where Rui assists Senjuro in becoming a kakushi and secret demon slaying and eventually Shinobu#starts helping him as well :-]#senjuro deserves to be taught how to fence if normal swordplay doesnt fucking work#also realizing very late that some reasons i adore senrui are why i adore endouma. i am one note. nobody look at me
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I love having things wrong with me
#i went downstairs to makemyself an egg bagel and was feeling fine#halways through i was like damn ig ive started my period cause i got really bad cramps#went to the bathroom#no blood#so i just continued trying to ignore my cramps#then i started getting all hot and cold#and then i started getting really dizzy#but i needed to finish my bagel so i could eat it and take some drugs#but my cats had smelled the egg and were trying to eat it#and cause i was like blind and almost collapsing i just grabbed my bagel and lay over it on the floor with my eyes closed#then i felt like i was gonna throw up so i threw my bagel away and went to the toilet again#in which i almost threw up twice but couldnt#rip my bagel
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not to keep waffling on about this but a thing I have noticed in many areas of my life, from protests to marital arts to mosh pits, is that
while I'm not particularly good at proprioception, have no depth perception and frankly mediocre core strength for someone who's been weight training for 2 years, and at times in my life I have just Fallen Over Regularly For No Reason because my legs stopped being legs for a second
I am, for whatever reason, basically impossible to push over or move through force
like I don't know if I just have an unusually low centre of gravity or just fuckin stubborn or what but I am just preternaturally good at being Hard To Move
some of it is a learnable skill but I think I just have short little tree trunk legs and solid body mass and when I plant my feet and drop my weight down even a bit I become like unto a boulder. it's a fun quirk of my character build.
#red said#can't believe i ever thought my avatarsona could be anything but an earthbender#to be clear if i start moving I'm moderately fucked#like not unusually so but I'm a normal or slightly more than normal amount of easy to push over if i lift my feet#so i reel around mosh pits constantly on the verge of total collapse#but if I'm on the edge of a mosh pit a stack of people twice my size can collapse into me and i won't even need to rebalance#my superpower is My Feet Are Floor Magnets#idk if it's genetic but if it is it comes through my dad#cause like a year ago my mum was talking about tai chi and how her teacher had them all push each other without resisting#and see how a light push could unbalance them#and to demonstrate she said 'don't try to stay standing straight' and pushed me and i watched her increase force#and get more and more confused and i literally Was Not Consciously Resisting my body just Doesn't Do Being Pushed#and she was like 'what the fuck. my partner pushed me way lighter than that and i stepped over sideways'#but i do think it's to some degree familial cause my brother is also something of an immovable object#and we have not dissimilar builds in terms of shortish muscular legs and hips#so yeah i think that's just physical advantage
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...
#i turn 27 tomorrow and i feel like my life is collapsing in around me#i officially made the decision to take the summer off. which i hate. which means i have to get a summer job#when ive only ever had jobs in academia so my resume looks insane if im applying to work in a bakery or whatever#im just so tired. everything makes me so tired and sad. i still dont kno what im gonna do#im glad my dad is here bc he gets it more than most ppl bc hes also dyslexic and like everyone assumes im fine bc ive got this far#but like at what cost? im doing a job where im set up to suffer. and for what? im doing something so niche and weird#all i can do is more academia. but what if i cant cut it? what if i would b better off getting a epa job or something where i can do my job#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration#or something. its just that my dream was to study weird things in weird places and now it feels like that dream is collapsing#which is devastating. im gonna try to come back in the fall and give it a go but like i dunno it feels so hopeless rn#im just so tired. i have no joy. i just want to lay on the floor#unrelated
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Maided too close tonthe sun
#Eughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh literally all I did was. Let my cat out of my room and i collapsed and nearly knocked shit over#and was stuck on the floor for like 20+ mins and nearly passed out ahain trying to crawl to my bed#⛪️
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"Yeah, it went live on Twitch to over 80 people."
#almost done rewatching mismag#and this ling FULLY sent me while i was trying to straighten my hair#fully collapsed like a scarecrow onto my floor#brennan said this with his whole chest#i love brennan as a player
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I am having the worst three days in a row I could possibly have right now and i just accidentally slept all day so now my sleep is going to be completely fucked yayyyyyy
#me :)#i had like 3 panic attacks last night haha hooray i love being in college#and then i had to emergency apply for a vet care credit card bc i didnt find out how much my cat's teeth cleaning would be and then it was#800 dollars !!!!!!!!!#which i cant ask my parents to pay right now. because they are paying for a new phone for me because mine decided to die last night yippie#and also my stupid fucking dead cousin's death anniversary is coming up i hate that guy so much#and im not going to do anything but ive had such an intense shot of stress all at once that my brain is defaulting back to if any minor#inconvenience happens we should just kill ourself so i keep thinking about throwing myself into traffic. and now i have to pay off a fuckin#800 hundred dollar bill while im trying to save up to be able to move out to my own place with my partner once my lease ends. so its going#pretty good all things considered#collapses in a pile on the floor screaming and crying and vomiting#also i missed my school's free food thing today and i have none of my credit cards right now because i lost them all last weeeeeek and i#cant afford to buy groceries right now! so i dont even get to have food i like#and i missed it because i was asleep all day because i couldnt fall asleep till late last night because i had to distract myself from#thinking about killing myself and then i had to get up at 8 am to take my cat to the vet. and i had to miss one of my three excused labs#this semester#so its awesome. its awesome
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so guess whose bed collapsed at midnight last night... with them IN IT? genuinely thought i had died
#truly not thriving right now#woke up feeling like zeus himself had struck me down#sleeping on a mattress on the floor isn't too bad#but trying to dismantle and remove a collapsed bed frame from your room when you're half asleep is#julian's journal
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I HATE MIGRAINES I HATE MIGRAINE RGHRGSHRGRH
#camera talks#I should logically put my phone down because this is literally killing me in terms of I feel So Bad rn#but I don’t want to and if I stop working on things my brain will tell me I’m not being productive and I’m the worst person in existence#(in struggling with that a lot rn like. if I’m not productive for 0.1 seconds my brain sets itself on fire and I think that’s a problem#for a different vent post but anwyays)#but everytime I get up I nearly collapse to the floor in pain#and I also just smashed my face into a wall bc my vision blacked out#and I feel So Nauseous#I need something to alleviate the pressure in my brain and I also need to gouge out my eyes#everything hurts and it’s so so bad#I literally don’t get how I’m supposed to live with this#I’m so so jealous over everyone who doesn’t have a chronic illness and who doesn’t have to feel like a burden every time they deal#with the thing they have chronically#UGH.#fuck this man#I hate chronic migraines so fucking much#and I’m trying not to spiral with other things but I’m struggling and jealous and upset and augh whatever#I should rest or shower but I think if I stood up for that long like this I would genuinely pass out
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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i apologize to anyone who knew me during 2021
#nothing bad's happening but#anytime i remember something that was before 2022 i start to collapse onto the floor with my hands on my head screaming in agony#i was pretty cringe. maybe im still going.. its just not on the level i was back then#but then again i did help deliver some katnep crumbs for those out there to devour. but it wasnt anything good like how id think it be#i would have made this my 3 year aniversary post but i am 2 months late#so... thanks for sticking around. maybe ill try creating more stuff#just less homestuck centric things. because its not really a main interest#but it is kind of like a ghost where it will haunt you from time to time#kind of a wordful in the tags if you ask me#but periodically i should speak a word once in a while so people know im still alive
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literally drank coffee at 9pm and was like oh I can stay up and draw a bit now that im more out of the slump. and it Is 2 hours later and im sleepy
#I was like omg I could try doing some backgrounds for funsies#and now im collapsed and sleepy on the floor#banging my fist into the wallll I keep seeing people posting their work on ramshackle and its making me want to draw SO BAD#but the fucking. ennui. the dread. I can only work on things that are assigned tasks
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overwhelming urge to just grab his face between my hands to stare at him for a while and trace over his features with my thumbs and kiss him until he’s smiling and laughing and
#banging my head on the table AAAAGH#hee’s so pretty i’m never going to get over it :(#literally my first impressions on him being that one fact… rgrhrgr he makes me insane#i’m never gonna be normal over him. i can try soooo hard but i can’t and it’s painfully obvious#still thinking about my recent BC reread. deeeefinitely thinking about changing his tag to warmshipping because it’s genuinely sticking#being that light in the darkness for him or whatever… agsjfhf collapses on the floor#sometimes i drive myself insane >_>#i’ve been having like the worst time Ever falling asleep recently#cannot for the life of me settle down until after midnight on school nights (probably because i’m passing out for three hours after school)#so my daydreams and spacing out recently have just been me thinking about marik and maybe him being. fretful over me. as a treat. :3#NOT LIKE OVERLY FRETFUL but sorta the thing melv does with me where he does or makes things more often for me#except he’s like five times more obvious about it than melv is lol#was in the middle of making tea earlier and i thought about him being the one making it for me instead#i can imagine him trying to remember how i make it and being just a liiittle bit off#but of course i’d never tell him that because the gesture is sweet and the fact he even tried at all is Everything#just. silly things like that have been infesting my mind recently#him doing things he doesn’t usually do just to try and cheer me up#i like thinking of him being and doing sweet stuff like that (even if he can’t do some of the stuff perfectly)#siiighs just. i love my boyfriend <3 i think of him too much agshgghdjf#warmshipping
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Me, explaining things in a way that's completely incoherent: I don't understand what you find so difficult to comprehend???
#i think the problem is that something in my brain structures information in a way thats hard for other people to understand#it may be a dyslexia thing. but it is the most frustrating thing to be misunderstood without any#idea of howbwhat ur saying doesnt make sense. like. look. fucking. its right there. laid out in a way that looks like an absolute disaster#bc u would think with as many control issues id b extremely organized but no. i kno where everything is#but its in a pile. aye. this project is such a clusterfuck#this is how my brain collapses. what sort of shape will i b in by the time we finish? (ie my birthday lol)#let's not think abt it. it wont b good.#everyday i get texts and emails and i have to put my head down and take a deep breath so by brain doesnt explode. the amount of psychic#pain i am burdened with when i open my manuscript doc is shocking.#is this my villian origin story? ive lost the ability to not look like im in pain while im in meetings. if u pay close attention u can see#the misery behind my eyes. my boss is gonna turn up the 23rd and b like: ready to go get icecream to celebrate#ur paper and phd accptance? and im gonna b like: i would rather eat glass#if u try to rope me into a surprise party i might walk out. excpet i wont bc im not that much of a brat#theres nothing to celebrate. just let me lay down on the floor for a while#unrelated
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