#for a different vent post but anwyays)

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

I HATE MIGRAINES I HATE MIGRAINE RGHRGSHRGRH

[chiistarri]

me when ihave a dream about my 3rh closest friends all beyeaying me 🤯🤯🤯

[malonemelody]

Rant about My Policeman

Hi, it's been a while but I think I need to vent about the movie. Being a Harry fan for so long made me actually anticipate for this movie a bit and to be honest I was not expecting to be out today lol. I thought the movie was going to be on Amazon Prime only next month, but anwyays, here we are. I've watched the movie and I'm here to rant because I kinda need to take this movie out of my system. Don't even know if I'm going to post this or not. As a person who hasn't read the book this is my sincere rant about the movie.

Spoilers ahead...

So, about the movie. I was kinda surprised, the pacing is not that bad I think the flashbacks with the old and younger versions made sense. But I fear some things were kind of rushed? For me it was obvious that Marion felt guilt about something she had done in the past because why would she bring the man that supposedly ruined her marriage back home right? And then it all came to an end when it was revealed that she was the one that reported Patrick.

Now about the characters... I could not relate to any of them besides Patrick, to be honest. THERE WAS no backstory. We knew about Tom's sister and that Marion was a schoolteacher but... uh? There was not dept... The characters stories were there but there was nothing left for us to expect from them. Patrick's entries on his diary were fantastic so I think we could get into his head a bit. But Tom? I really don't know what to say... This is a story about a closeted character who may have internalized homophobia and internalized feelings, that's true. But his actions shown a selfish side and sincerely I could not feel like he was sorry for making Patrick and Marion 'share him'. This is only my interpretation, of course.

The sex scenes between the male characters were soooo good. They really depicted how intimate and passionate these two characters were with each other. I'm not saying this is the movie highlight but I was really """happy""" with how they ended up...? Then we see how Marion and Tom's 'lovemaking' was, nothing but an obligation, no intimacy, love and passion. Dull and dry....

OH GOD DAVID DAWSON HELLOO! I really don't want to talk how I laughed when I realized that he was Fred Best from Ripple Street. I can't believe I forgot about that lol i'm sorry, dear... You were marvelous in this movie and as Fred Best too, btw.

The Venice trip though, oh my god The Talented Mr. Ripley feels... Patricia Highsmith pls hold me I have to talk about you, I'm sorry. Ily queen. But yeah, it reminded me of Minghella's The Talented Mr. Ripley and it was just great. Thank you. Everything felt magical about it because Tom and Patrick seemed happy. No one there knew them, they could go out and be each other for once. So good for them, really. These scenes were so good to show how these two were happy and how they loved each other so much.

But then, let's talk about how Marion reported Patrick to the museum people and the police and how Patrick feelings were shown here. Uh, that was so weird... I was a bit taken back by how Tom would react to this, he seemed only worried about being found out and not worried about Patrick. It's like he never cared about Patrick that much. Lol He was going to jail??? I mean, your lover was going to jail baby. I think they could have put it differently and explored that a bit much in the early months or days after Patrick was arrested. Because it was clear that Tom has been haunted his whole life by his decisions and what happened with Patrick back there, he rejected and hid these feelings for a very long time. He repressed his own identity for his whole life, we could see that. But I think they needed to show that in the movies because it made Tom a cold character.

Anyways I thought the ending was quite good I just had to take this out of my chest. It was a OK movie, it made me think a lot about it after I've watched it... So it did its job, I guess?

Bye.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[tylerwritez]

I gotta write about today too I guess.

Tuesday June 22, 10:41 p.m.

Ugh I kinda dont wanna write anything because I'm EXHAUSTED JESUS. I have a lot of shit to deal with. And I lowkey brought it all upon myself. I say lowkey because I COULD blame my parents and sleep schedule for this and then be done with it. But. It's deeper than that probably. Idk. I'm just tryna be charitable with them. Trying. They kinda freak me out... like I'm scared of em... and I hate how they switch up on me from decent to jerks all the time confusing me... making me feel like an idiot... whatever.

It's so fucking hot out.

I went to my bio class but skipped art for a dental appointment so. Yeah. That happened. Sorry I know I sound different rn its cos I'm actually fucking DRAINED. No energy.

It's so weird to have my vents on my alt blog  STILL getting reblogged because I go, look at the vent and go "Oh wow I remember suffering so badly over that I almsot self diagnosed with PTSD because I couldnt stop having flashbacks and panicking over it..... fun times...," then I just go back to my life like nothing like. Idk I'm so used to going through like actual fucking hell and then being fine.

Which is fucking scary. And it makes me SAD. okay? Can I feel sad? Is that an acceptable feeling?

Like is it not sad to you that a literal child can just be bullied, harassed, beat up, on every level that bullying and harrassment exists from Adults mostly,,, and just deal with it??? Is that not sad. I think it is.

Is it not sad to you that a literal child can spend years crying himself to sleep every fucking night and then. Just deal with the fact that that happened.

Idk I find it so disturbing like I OBVIOUSLY seriously need actual therapy but I just carry on. Like zombies in movies where they have limbs ripped off and gunshot wounds but they keep going. It's disgusting.

And it's just so fucking sickeningly sad to me that a literal child could be so damaged and continue to move forward.

Like holy shit. Everytime I look inside me it's so much fuckif rotting flesh and gross shit and I need to be operated on but even with my fucking rotting organs I walk around like I'm totally fine.

It's just so sucky to think about... I wonder if I'll EVER heal. Ever.

I wonder if I'll ever be ALLOWED to heal. Like. I do have this child inside me still cos he never grew up. He fucks up my life cos he goes searching for parents.

Like SHUT UP

YOU AREN'T A CHILD YOU'RE DELUSIONAL!!!!

YOU AREN'T SOME POOR BABY WHO NEEDS LOVE YOU ARE. FUCKING. CRAZY!!!!

GET HELP.

But I can't and onward I walk XD. A literal living corpse. Wow. Zombie kinnie moment.

Anwyays I'm suppsoed to talk  about my DAY... not my sad traumatized childhood. Onward?

Sure.

Uhm I went biking with my friend Bee. We went to the river, got slurpees, went to her house and watched supernatural and WOAH I had fun

When i got home my parents were a bit made which made me almsot cry but. Almsot crying isnt the same as crying!

I watched YouTube, kinda sorta argued? With Star.

I talked to Jay and I LOVE HIM but I should just shut up so I can post this and be done with ittt

I'm too fucking tired so tired.m

I know this is  ashort post but I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

Goodnight

Signing off at 1:05 a.m. wednesy june 23 2021,

Jude Shepard