#like this year i’ve been really careful about my environment and what i allow in my space

[yvmoveon]

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[art]

Creator Spotlight: @camberdraws

Hello! My name is Camber (any pronouns), and I’m a mixed media illustrator located in the southwestern United States. I love drawing everything, but I have a special interest in depicting strange creatures and environments, often accompanied by abstract imagery and mark-making. Professionally, I’ve worked creating concept art and 2D assets for museum exhibits, but currently, I am engaged full-time as a software developer and make standalone illustrations in my free time. I’ve been posting art on Tumblr since I was a teenager, and the site has been very welcoming towards my work to this very day!

Check out Camber’s interview below!

Did you originally have a background in art? If not, how did you start?

I’ve had an interest in drawing since I was barely sentient, but at thirteen years old I decided to become “serious” about art. I was all about reading tutorials and doing a ton of studies. I would tote my heavy instructional art books to school every single day (my poor back!) Despite all this, I decided to forgo art school in favor of a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science at my local college. Alongside my major, I received a minor in Art Studio with a specialization in fine art, which totally changed my views on creating artwork and drastically changed my style.

How has your style developed over the years?

As mentioned previously, my style did a 180 after I studied under some very skilled fine art professors! As a kid, my drawings were very realism-heavy and inspired by video game concept art. I mostly worked digitally, too. During college, I was thrown for a loop when we were instructed to do strange things like, for example, make a bunch of marks on paper using pastel, WITHOUT looking, and then turn said marks into a finished piece of art! I quickly and deeply fell in love with abstract work, and especially appreciated images that are not easily parsed by the viewer. Since then, I’ve made it my goal to combine abstract mark-making with more representational subject matter.

What is one habit you find yourself doing a lot as an artist?

Hmmm, one habit I really enjoy as an artist is strictly tracking the amount of time I spend drawing! I currently work a full-time job wholly unrelated to art, so I have to be careful with my time if I want to spend enough hours drawing each week. I created a spreadsheet that allows you to enter the amount of minutes you’ve drawn each day and calculate how much drawing time you still need to reach your weekly goal (I aim for 20 hours a week.) Having such a clear, numbers-based objective keeps me motivated to work like nothing else!

Over the years as an artist, what were your biggest inspirations behind your creativity?

I know this is a common inspiration, but Hayao Miyazaki’s work has been rewiring my neurons since I was a child. Seemingly all of my artistic interests can be summed up by the movie Princess Mononoke: it has strange/abstract creature designs, a strong focus on nature and environmental storytelling, and a mix of dark and hopeful themes. Additionally, I’ve been deeply inspired by video game series such as Zelda, Okami, Pikmin, and Dark Souls. But arguably, none of these have influenced me more than Pokemon! I’ve been drawing Pokemon since I could barely hold a pencil, and I haven’t stopped since! I believe my love of designing creatures originated with my endless deluge of Pokemon fanart during my childhood.

What is a medium that you have always been intrigued by but would never use yourself?

I’ve always been fascinated by 3D mediums and am so tempted to try them out! Whether that’s 3D models created digitally or sculptures made from clay, I profoundly admire artists who have this skill. Oftentimes, it feels like I don’t have time to delve into a totally different artistic paradigm. However, I feel very strongly that learning new skills can enrich your current work. I should take that advice and someday give 3D mediums a shot!

What is a recent creative project that you are proud of?

I am in the process of creating an art book (a dream of mine!) and have been executing smaller drawings of concepts I find interesting from both a visual and storytelling standpoint. A recent drawing for said book is that of a snail made of ink with an ink bottle as a shell, and it went absolutely viral! I’ve never had an experience like this as an artist before and it has been spectacular! I was able to open a shop using my newly acquired art printer and sell many prints of my snail. Creating something original, directly stemming from my interests, and having that resonate with so many people has been unreal. I couldn’t ask for more as an artist!

What advice would you give to younger you about making art that’s personal or truthful to your own experiences?

I would tell my younger self to chill out and experiment more! I was so caught up in the idea that I needed to have a realistic style to be considered “good.” I also believed that technical skill was the only measure of how worthy my art was. That’s not to say technical skill doesn’t matter, but I now firmly believe the creativity and voice of your ideas far outweigh the skill of execution in terms of importance. Technical skills should elevate ideas, not the other way around. Once I began to revel in strange ideas and stories for my work, depicted oftentimes in odd styles or mediums, I truly found my voice as an artist.

Who on Tumblr inspires you and why?

My peers here on Tumblr inspire me more than anything! Sharing my work with contemporaries and giving each other support brings me joy like no other, and keeps me motivated to continue creating. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them! @beetlestench, @theogm-art, @trustyalt, @ratwednesday, @phantom-nisnow, @svltart, @mintsdraws, @mothhh-hh, @jupiterweathers, @thesewispsofsmoke, @picoffee, @fetchiko, @kaisei-ink, and @pine-niidles just to name only a few!

Thanks for stopping by, Camber! If you haven’t seen their Meet the Artist piece, check it out here. For more of Camber’s work, follow their Tumblr, @camberdraws!

[bigfatbimbo]

Silly request but imagine helping Bill "groom" his triangle self. Gently wipe him with a cloth. Carefully dip it in the little space between the bricks, can't leave that zone unclean! Alternatively, a classic soapy bubble bath. Silly straws included, what the hell, he's probably drinking the bath water and listing the chemical ingredients back at you while you gently rub him clean. Fun times

The Bug Collector

1.1k words,, Bill Cipher x reader

a/n — Procrastination killed my soul during this, I think it turned out okay, though! Sorry for typos, your girl is tired.

warnings — SFW, post!weirdmaggedon, as ‘fluffy’ as you can get with Bill cipher, he is his own warning, kinda toxic relationships, fluff and bill being pathetic

summary — Reader assists a recently fallen Bill Cipher in self care, despite his general all-mighty asshole-ness.

The exoskeleton of a bug was practical, a water-tight barrier most commonly known for muscle attachments, and its use to shelter and protect the insects gushy insides from its harsh environment. 

The exoskeleton of a triangle was for mostly for aesthetics, as the underneath was far more horrifying than anything in the harsh environment around it. Or so the triangle claims.

You dipped a soapy sponge into the bucket in front of you, as bill propped his feet up on the bathtub. 

“You conquer worlds and destroy planets, but yeah, why not draw the line at cleaning yourself.”

“Please, what better way to make use out of my new human pet— partner, than this?” He corrected loudly and purposefully. Then looking to the side, he mumbled, “And besides, kid, you have no idea how hard it is to clean between the bricks. Euck— So many blind spots.”

The first part was a throwaway reminder that he had far more power than you in this dynamic, something you’d picked up on Bill casually doing in his time with you. 

Being roommates with a butt-hurt demon, given the ending of weirdmaggedon, allowed you the privilege of being more cautious than previous humans were with Bill. For example, you’ve taken to keeping track of his repeated habits and patterns. 

On of which, just so happened to be reminding you how small you were compared to him. 

You jabbed the sponge in-between on of the bricks, “Ow!” He narrowed his eye at you, “Watch it, pal. I’m starting to think you’ve never cleaned a triangle before.”

“I’d hate to give that impression.” You softened your hold on him, “Delicate work, I always say.”

And it was delicate work. After his defeat, he’d been roughed up a surprising bit, powers even weakened. 

Weakened.

“Not too delicate,” he shot you glance. Guess he’d heard that thought process. 

Although, most days he’d seemed to be in a thought process of his own. Weird.

You cleared your throat, “How often does this even need to be done?”

He blinked, “Well, let’s see. Once every—“ he waved his hand around “—few hundred years. Very high maintenance, do not recommend it.”

High maintenance, yeah. At this point, Bill had taken to talking about some other topic, you hadn’t been really listening, something about intergalactic food joints.

Every once and a while he’d bring up something that happened with one of his ‘henchmaniacs’ before getting slightly irritated at the lack of presence in his life now, and changing the subject. 

Bill was interesting to study, you couldn’t lie. His eyelashes curled away from each other, like the mangled legs of a recently dead spider. His hands were very present when he talked, like most people of business. His body flicked side to side slightly at certain moments. 

You became more gentle naturally, taking care of every crevice, and for some reason Bill becomes gradually quieter.

“Something wrong?” You asked, not stopping.

Bill blinked, “Eh, been a minute since i’ve had a human servant. Maybe, I was thinking of other things you can help with!”

You sigh, “Yeah, because i’m your servant. As if.” In your mind, your thinking do the fact he was your roommate, in your house, eating your food. 

“Hey, don’t get all butt-hurt. You’re all ants to me, buddy, nothing to be ashamed of!” His eye flicked back and forth between you and the room.

Then you stop scrubbing, “Bill, I might as well be your landlord.” You know he can read your thoughts, so you make a point to justify yourself. Already weakened from his failed apocalypse, anything other than vague respect for you would land him homeless. Most likely, his response to this would be killing you, but there’s only so much he can do afterwards. 

He’d have a place to stay, but with no electricity or heating, and in his damaged physical form he actively does need those things. And trying to get a new human would be a hassle, and unlike you, no guarantee they’d let him stay there without calling the authorities.

“Yeesh,” Bill remarks, “Buzzkill… You are still a bug compared to me, though—“

You drop the sponge in the bucket, “I think you’re done.”

He looks taken aback when you pull away, “What? Come on, over the bug comment? Jeez, buddy—“

“No I mean you’re actually done,” you gesture to his body, now shining and slick with soap suds. “I got everything, there’s nothing else to do.”

You go to turn around before you feel a small hand grabbing for the back of your shirt. 

“Wait, wait!” He breathes, eye farting from side to side, “… You have to dry me off first.”

He looked slightly panicked, like if you stopped taking care of him now, you’d leave and never come back. Your thought process earlier couldn’t have helped. 

The way he scurried and gasped for you was reminiscent of panicked earwig and a rock is lifted up. The comparison should have grossed you out, but it kinda just made you feel a little bad.

If he was paying attention to your thoughts, he didn’t show it. This would have usually given you the impression he’d wanted you to be thinking the way you were, but he seemed a little wrapped up in his own head. 

“Come on, kid. Don’t tell me you’re gonna kick me out because I asked you to dry me off. One last thing and then you don’t even have to talk to me the rest of the night! Sounds like a good deal, right?” 

His slightly desperate looking sales pitch was met with a sigh, you picked up a dry towel and began to pat the soap suds off of him. His body slowly breathed in, making it look like he was sighing, but no noise came out.

You wondered then if he was actually touch-starved, but cut your thoughts there because this time he had nothing better to do then pay attention to what you were thinking. 

“Ouch, i’m not that desperate, pal.” But he was.

His exoskeleton was dry, but you didn’t stop patting him down. His eyelid shut slowly, and the spider-legs on them curled into each other once more. 

The exoskeleton of a bug was practical, but one of a triangle seemed to simply be for aesthetics. 

However, on some rare occasions, it possesses the same desire for love as human bodies. Only, when very desperate, of course. 

[m0r1bund]

Read the FAQ Zine ▶

I put the zine I made last year on my website. It took me a full year to find a permanent home for it, because I have the brainweird that makes the focus bad, and I’ve been consistently busy since last year. But hey, better late than never.

This project was inspired by the work of Potawatomi botanist Robin Wall Kimmerer. During an interview with On Being, Kimmerer relates the story of a certain question that she asks her students:

“In talking with my environment students, they wholeheartedly agree that they love the earth. But when I ask them the question of “Does the earth love you back?” there’s a great deal of hesitation and reluctance and eyes cast down, like, oh, gosh, I don’t know. Are we even allowed to talk about that? That would mean that the earth had agency and that I was not an anonymous little blip on the landscape, that I was known by my home place.

So it’s a very challenging notion, but I bring it to the garden and think about the way that when we, as human people, demonstrate our love for one another, it is in ways that I find very much analogous to the way that the earth takes care of us, is when we love somebody, we put their wellbeing at the top of a list and we want to feed them well. We want to nurture them. We want to teach them. We want to bring beauty into their lives. We want to make them comfortable and safe and healthy. That’s how I demonstrate love, in part, to my family, and that’s just what I feel in the garden [laughs], as the earth loves us back in beans and corn and strawberries. Food could taste bad. It could be bland and boring, but it isn’t. There are these wonderful gifts that the plant beings, to my mind, have shared with us. And it’s a really liberating idea to think that the earth could love us back, but it also opens the notion of reciprocity that with that love and regard from the earth comes a real deep responsibility.”

- “The Intelligence of Plants,” with Robin Wall Kimmerer and Krista Tippett

I posed Kimmerer’s question to some of my online circles. Their responses are recorded in this zine, accompanied by the work of many photographers, and my own art.

I am many of thoughts and short of words right now, just as I was a year ago. Mostly I’m tremendously touched and grateful for those who participated. You have put words to environmental grief that I often struggle to articulate, and affirmed my belief that we all hold poetry inside of us—we just need the time and space to express it.

[unlikelyfanhairdoalmond]

Oh my, so interesting what he explains about him and Téa. 🥹 So happy for them, and for him to have found someone like this. ❤️

[VIDEO BELOW - New interview with Kara]

Kara : How are things with your accomplice?? How is your accomplice?

Tim : She’s a miracle. I never thought that I would experience something like that at my age. And I had sort of come to terms with like maybe being alone or maybe being some kind of casual thing that wasn’t really too demanding and then we met and it all changed! It is the deepest, most fun, most truly intimate relationship I’ve ever had.

Kara : so why do you think that is? What’s different? What makes it like that?

Tim : […] We want someone to see us. And if we get into a place where we allow someone to really see us, everything, and they can look at that and say ‘Ok, ‘I’m okay with this. All this good stuff and all that bad stuff’ then it’s like a profound relief to be able to be your entire self and know that someone is not gonna blame you or try to change you in a way that’s punishing or belittle you for the things that you have that are human flaws; but you know, try to help you and try to encourage you to improve without trying to fix you. So, all that stuff.

Kara : So, there’s something about her that helped you trust that she would do that, be like that with you? Or were you at a time in your life where you were ready to expose yourself in that way?

Tim : All of the above. And, talking about fear, I was terrified because basically she said to me ‘Give it all, give me everything. Tell me the whole story, all the shit, all the stuff you’ve done you’re not proud of, you’re ashamed of, just tell me and I’ll deal with it’. And I was like ‘okay…’ thinking that perhaps I would get annihilated, you know, that I would step on the landmine the was in the mine field or the eggshells that was out there. I took that risk and I laid it all out and she was like ‘okay. Let’s do this’. Wow, you know and… [getting emotional]. It was and has been an amazing thing and feels not punishing at all. And… some of my relationships I’ve felt punished.

Kara : Right, which would make you think that future relationship would as well, because it was your history, it’s what you knew.

[…]

Kara : You and Téa met when you were on ‘Madam Secretary’. I don’t know if you met before that but that’s when you started becoming intimate. That ended like years ago now. How many years has it been?

Tim : Four years, five years, something like that.

Kara : So, it’s interesting that you are great with that situation, and your environment now is totally different; you’re not working together. And has it changed at all? Was it more something then or more something now?

Tim : That’s better. That’s better now. Yeah, you know, it’s funny because I’m pretty sure there were a lot of eyes rolling on set and lots of nervous people going like ‘Oh God, when that blows up it’s gonna be a disaster. Oh, on set romance…’ And we were a little bit before #MeToo so we could have our romance without being so careful about it, and all this stuff, and there was, I’m not sure if it’s actually called this, it’s called a ‘Love contract’ that you were supposed to fill out for CBS saying ‘We are in a relationship, we work together so if things go badly, we’re not gonna bring it to work’ but we never did.

Kara : Oh, you never signed it?

Tim: No, we never signed it and we never brought our shit to work.

Kara : Very good. There’s something going on that you’ve decided, you’ve approached the whole thing in a healthy way it seems like, to me […].

Tim : It’s pretty spectacular.

Kara : I also love the fact that she said ‘Give me all of it?’. Like she literally said that?

Tim : Yeah. It’s funny also, and so surprising for me. I showed up for work one day at Madam Secretary and I opened the door to my dressing room and there were like 25 pairs of high heel shoes and all this lingerie and I was like ‘What’s happening here?’ And Téa is like ‘Why do we have separate dressing rooms? I’ll just be in here.’ And first I was like ‘Wait, my space, etc.’ and I was like ‘No, she wants to be with me so badly that she’s moved her high heels into my room, so I better take this, this is a good thing.’ And her dressing room turned into a place where we would take naps. At lunchtime, we looked like cadavers. We would lie next to each other and just pass out for about 18 to 20 minutes, we got so good at it, and then we could continue on with our day.

[tojiscumdumpster]

CHAPTER ELEVEN- TOJI

⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀✧ summary page

 Life has really been fucking with me these last six weeks. Work’s hell. The apartment we live in went up by four hundred dollars. And to make matters worse, Megumi and I have been rockier than ever. 

 That’s the thing that’s bothering me the most.

 It’s over simple shit, too. 

 I try my best to be a laid back parent and only go full on dad mode when needed, but I think the kid has taken advantage of that. All I ask is three things from Megumi:

 Don’t get into fights, and if you do, don’t get caught. 

 School night curfew is eight. Weekends are eleven.

 And lastly, tell me your whereabouts.

 But what does he do instead? Miss curfew. Leave the house without telling me where he’s going, and now he’s on a two week-suspension from school since he got into a fight. 

 Grant it the fight was justify because some kids were fucking with him and talking shit about his lack of English, but shit, Megumi. 

 At least he won. 

 One side of me was saying that’s my boy, and the other side had to ground him. 

 Let’s just say he wasn’t too happy with me after that. 

 I’m surprised he actually listened to me, though. But with him listening, I’ve been getting the silent treatment, no eating meals together, and been avoided like I’m the plague. 

 Parenting is not a walk in the park, I know that. Especially when you’re a single parent. When times like this hit, I think of my late wife more than ever. 

 With her death anniversary right around the corner, I can’t help but miss her and wish she was by my side. 

 I can’t do this shit alone. I was not raised in a loving environment, and considering the fact that my old man was an abusive drunk that used me as his punching bag, I damn sure don’t know what the fuck it feels like to have a father. 

 A mom? Don’t know either. Old man wasn’t faithful and was sleeping around with different women, so my mom could be dead or alive. Who knows? 

 My late wife knew all of this, not the severity, but she knew I had a shitty family. Yet she managed to see something good in a motherfucker like me, to the point we had a kid together.

 A kid that fucking hates me. And I’m the only one to blame. 

 God, maybe I should listen to Kong for once. I’m forty-two. Shit, maybe it is time to settle down and look for a housewife. Someone who’s willing to help raise a fifteen-year-old boy. 

 No, what the fuck am I saying? Since when do I listen to that fucker?

 Never. I trust him, though. Hell, do I really have a choice since he helped me take care of Megumi when I was going through my episodes in the early years of my wife’s death? 

 But my kid is my responsibility. Getting a woman involved isn’t going to help my relationship with Megumi. That’s some shit I need to fix myself. 

 Kong and I have one unorthodox ass relationship, but he’s the only bastard I actually consider a friend, and I know he means well. 

 He is Megumi’s godfather after all. Besides, the last thing I want to do is to ever make Megumi feel like I’m trying to replace his mom. Far from it. 

 Maybe loneliness is just catching up to my old ass.m, and the only woman I think of breaking me from my no relationship rule is Y/N. 

 Y/N fucking L /N. 

 That woman drives me insane in more ways than one. 

 After our first date over a month ago, we’ve been talking nonstop. Texting. Calling. Casual dates every now and there when time allows us. If I’m being real, Y/N is the only reason why I haven’t ripped my fucking hair out. 

 People would usually turn to alcohol to depend on the burning sensation it gives you to get drunk when feeling stressed. But me? Y/N is who I get drunk off of. Her energy is fucking addicting, and the reassurance she gives me… who know I needed so much of it. 

Like any other man, I don’t turn to anyone to help with my problems. I’m a prideful motherfucker who has the ego the size of a galaxy. However, I don’t have to be the way around Y/N. I sound sappy as shit, I know. 

 Guess that’s what happens when you become vulnerable. 

 The only reason why I haven’t had sex with her yet.

 I know myself. When I was younger, I only saw sex as a way to make extra cash when I was struggling after I got disowned by the Zen’in. The older I got, sex became more meaningless to me. I can be balls deep in pussy, no matter how good it is, and have no type of feelings attached. Me making a woman come or them making me come doesn’t mean I’ll start buying them roses and shit. 

 It wouldn’t be the same with Y/N. 

 Not saying I’m on the verge of falling in love with her, let alone loving her. But seeing how much we talk, how jealous I fucking get, especially after figuring out she works at the same school as her ex-fiancé, I don’t want any other fucker to even breathe the same air as her.

 Not even myself, but I’ll still be selfish enough to do it.

 That’s the thing about Y/N. I feel myself growing more selfish when it comes to her. I want her time and energy to only be for me. She’s mine without her knowing and I’m planning on keeping it that way. I can admit that’s probably a dick move, but I can’t find myself falling in love again. 

At least, I’m forcing myself not to.

 Hearing her moan my name. Seeing her face when she comes. Knowing what it feels to have that sweet, tight, warm fucking pussy clench around my fingers. I’ll become a starved and possessive man the moment she’s like that around my dick. 

 I’ll catch feelings.

 I’ll want her above me, beneath me, all over me twenty-four-seven. I’m not an easy lover. I can admit to that.

 But that won’t stop me from…

 No, I won’t say that.

 It’s strong. Whatever emotion I feel about Y/N, and I can’t help but think it has something to do with her being so damn familiar. The more I talk to her, the more I know who she is. Maybe in another lifetime I’ve loved her before. 

 Even saying that in my head sounds crazy as shit. The dreams about her aren't helping, either.

 “Get a hold of yourself, Fushiguro,” I mutter to myself. I look at the time to see it’s eleven thirty. “She should be on her free hour right now.” 

 Maybe a phone call wouldn’t hurt.

 “I’m busy,” I grunt.

 I couldn’t even call Y/N before Kong called me to fucking be clingy. He claims he only calls me to check on the kid, but Megumi has his own phone. 

 “Mad because I’m not your girlfriend? Sorry, I had you first, Fushiguro.” I hear him puffing out smoke from his cigarette. “Be grateful you have a fucking friend to check on you, you fucking jackass.”

 I chuckle, sarcastically saying, “Awe, I consider myself very lucky.”

 “Fuck you.”

 “Sorry, not interested,” I replied. And this is what I mean by unorthodox friendship. “Assuming you got some information for me?” After that Zen’in fuck purchased the club ownership last month, I had Kong do some digging for me.

 All the bullshit he was spewing about Naobito forcing everyone in that family who doesn’t have a kid, to have one, and taking interest in finding Megumi, I couldn’t take shit like that lightly.

 Not when my kid is potentially involved.

 Knowing how those Zen’ins’ get down, they always find a way to get what they want. Even if it results in blood.

 “I found some files about that Naoya shitface you told me about… Looks like he’s the real deal,” he says.

 “Meaning?”

 “Meaning he is your cousin. Looks like your old man’s brother had some unwanted kids of his own.”

 “Having kids in the family just to leave them dry is a fucking ritual in that shitty ass family.” I get up from bed and go to the kitchen to grab a ginger ale. “What else you find out?”

 “Zen'in owns half of the real estate in Tokyo,” he tells me, clicking his tongue. “Those bastards keep growing and growing by the minute. So if what this Naoya is saying is true, I can only imagine Naobito is doing this to have the city fear the name Zen’in, even after he’s six feet under.”

 I scoff. “For an ego stroker? So what the fuck does this have to do with my kid?”

 “How the hell am I supposed to know?”

  Over my dead fucking body if they think they could come even twenty feet near Megumi. I have no problem going back to that violent lifestyle that I’m trying to escape when it comes to protecting my kid.

 Actually, I’m hoping that they do because I’ve been itching for a stress relief and permanently getting rid of those Zen’in fucks just might be the way to do it.

 Maybe I should pay them a visit on my trip to Japan in a few months.

 I run my hand through my hair and sigh. “Alright. Keep me posted.” An incoming call comes through and I see Y/N’s name flashing my screen. “Gotta go.”

 “Your girlfriend’s callin-” I disconnected our line before he finished his bullshit to answer Y/N.

 “I’m so close to fucking pulling these braids out and choking my boss with them.” Ha, that’s a funny way to say hello.

 “I’m trying to wrap my head around why hearing you threaten to kill someone is turning me on?” I tease.

 She lets out a soft breath. “I’m sorry, big guy. Work is being a pain in my ass right now.”

 “I see that. You cursed twice. That’s something expected from me.”

 “Well, it’s kind of inevitable when you’re a high school teacher,” she argues. “And actually, no. I expect four curse words in under a minute from you. So I think my two words will be alright.”

 I smile while walking back to my room and close the door behind me. “Talk to me, sweets. What’s going on?”

 “Other than finding out that my name was unknowingly submitted to take part in the state’s teachers summit, nothing really.”

“Is it that bad?” 

 “No. It’s actually a good opportunity to voice your concerns as a teacher to the school board, but quite frankly, I’m tired of going. Only one teacher is selected every year to represent each school in the county and it’s always me.”

 “And what is this summit shit? Why do they need teacher representatives?” I hear her smile through the phone when she explains the summit, and I’m pretty sure it’s because of me cursing already. “Probably this isn’t what you want to hear, but I can see why you’re always chosen. You speak your mind well, and I can see the passion you have when it comes to your students.”

 “Well, yeah, but every teacher should be that way,” she counters. “And the summit this year is four hours away from us, so they made it a weekend convention. A weekend, Toji?” 

 I arch my brow. “And who submitted your name?” Her silence tells me my answer. “You sure this fucker isn’t trying to win you back? Abusing his power as your boss to get you to himself for the weekend seems like a man move I probably would’ve done, too.”

 “You would?” she incredulously asks.

 “When it comes to you? Absolutely. Zero questions asked.” I can almost guarantee the silence from her again is because she’s blushing, something I find fucking adorable about her. “You there, Miss L/N?”

 “Toji, I’m at work,” she answers.

 “Admitting that your mind is in the gutter?”

 “I-uh, no. Just reminding you to get your head out of it.”

 I tip my head back and laugh. “Cute. So when’s the summit?”

 “In three months.”

 “And you can’t pull out?”

 “Unfortunately, no. Unless I can prove that it’s due to a medical or family emergency, I’m out of luck.” No doubt in my mind that her ex pulled this shit intentionally. I mean, I get it. If I lost someone like Y/N as my fiancée, I would be going through hell and back until she was mine again. 

 But too bad for this fucker that isn’t the case anymore, and I don’t tread lightly when it comes to people fucking with what’s mine.

 Mine, that’s exactly what Y/N is.

 “I’m way too hungry for this crap,” she says, pulling me from my possessive musings. 

 “And you didn’t eat because?”

 “Someone kept me up last night on the phone, so I overslept and couldn’t get a decent breakfast before work this morning.” 

 I chuckle, remembering our two a.m. conversations that turned into her masturbating while I was talking her through it. “I’m sure that person is sorry.”

 “Doubt it.”

  I look at the time again to see it’s noon. “What time is your free hour over?” 

 “One. Why?”

 “Grab lunch with me.”

 She playfully hums to consider my last minute invitation. “I guess I can squeeze you in.”

 “Squeeze me in?” I mock her response while laughing. “Appreciate it, Miss L/N.”

 “I’m sure you can find a way to show me your appreciation.”

 I smirk. “Forgot you were at work?”

 “Whatever, Mr. Fushiguro. Text me the address and I’ll meet you there.”

 “Alright, alright. I’ll see you,” is the last thing I say before disconnecting the call.

 Smiling to myself like a fucking lovesick idiot knowing that I’m about to see Y/N has me surprised myself. Like I said earlier, this woman drives me insane.

 And I think I’ll grow to not mind it.

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no discussion question this chapter. but would love to hear your thoughts ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[littledigits]

That time when working in animation made me realize I needed therapy

Since we're on the topic of overworking / being passionate in animation and blah blah blah.  I want to share my story about working on the first season of Hilda (for context I was the animation director), specifically..how completely garbo my mental health got because 

I INSISTED ON WORKING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND. 

This is a story I've shared when I've had a chance to do lectures or talks, and if there is one really awesome thing that comes with ..weird ..animation clout, its that you can use those powers for good in terms of teaching people about the BS that comes with the job...anyway.

The reason why I like to talk about this is because I insisted on doing it to myself, and that was really got me thinking about the factors that do lead us into over working. Because heres the deal

Hilda season 1 was, without getting into too many details, a heckofatime...especally for the core crew. we were a small group, doing something new because most of us haven't worked on a show before that included pre production. My entire career up to that point had been working on service work for shows that were created in Burbank, so the new pipeline had a ton of challenges. We did all care, and we all believed in the project SOOOO much. I would tell people not to work over time, because I want my team to leave on time - but I was there...a lot. Leaving the studio by 11pm , working through the weekends..it wasnt an uncommon thing for me. sure , it wasnt all the time, but this stuff spans years sometimes so it went in waves. But whenever the challenges came up, i doubled down. because I super believed in it.

  And the thing was - other people told me to stop. I had a lot of valid concerns given to me by my friends and team members who saw how I was burning myself out at both ends. And I thought like, well , its my *choice*.  Its my chance to have a voice and be creative and try to do something different and we all have to push ourselves and yes its HARD but. THATS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT? surely if I just make sure I’m the one overworking and my team isn't.. that's fine. 

Well, no, I was immensely effecting my team maybe I wasn’t telling them to work late, but they were seeing me get more and more tired and stay later and later.  I thought they would still approach me for help, or if they struggled. But the issues they had they kept to themselves without wanting to put more on my shoulders. Because they *cared* , just as much as I did ..and we all took more on our shoulders then we should have and there were a lot of things that I could have solved had I fostered a better communication environment.  I became really resentful in my head over the smallest things, I actually saw myself becoming a more hateful person and easily annoyed. I came home every day rambling about the frustrations. Now, let me preface this by saying - my mental state did not only have to do with overworking. I had and have things still to unpack, but the control I had over work and the validation I got from it was a coping mechanism for me. I really didnt think i had any worth as a person outside of this job. It basically was a very nasty cycle that didnt stop until ...well I had gotten so bad I had to.  By the end of the first season I was actually incredibly close to quitting . I was in big anxiety attack territory because I was so worn thin- I had started therapy but eventually moved onto getting medication as well and that was what allowed me to stick it out. ( I have the same therapist and I am on the same meds, it was very hard to do at the time, but i cant imagine my life now without making that choice ). After it was done I was immensely supported by the studio and worked part time as a trainer, which is what i requested to give my brain a break. (Only a few of my closer friends knew how bad I was getting but it was pretty obvious I needed to rest) I'm really proud of the work we did and we keep doing on the show, ..and some other people may have gone through something similar and found it was worth it, but thats not me. I still struggle not to fall back into that mindset, but it helps knowing that if i keep myself out of it , i can help my team out of it, because I know they care about this show just as much as I do. I’m not a martyr, I am a leader, and its up to me to keep myself healthy so I can keep my crew healthy.   I always strive to be better, but i get to decide what that looks like - and for me ..better has nothing to do with the image on the screen. Its got more to do with the experience of the people around me. Readjusting those priorities has helped a lot with keeping my head above water and not add to the pressure that makes it so hard not to get sucked down in the first place.  I do think its good to talk about though , how our passion and language and drive can lead to a lot of us being a part of this cycle. And if theres one good thing about the challenges, its sharing them so at least others can learn faster then you did ;) . take care of yourself friends.

[cosmicwindmillcomplex]

Do you have any advice for people who are about to start EMDR?

actually yes! And I’m so glad you asked because idk if I ever would’ve thought about making it into a post! apologies for the late response but wanted to give it a lot of thought! I’ve been doing EMDR on and off for about 3.5 years now with my therapist, as a disclaimer: I am not an expert so this would be my advice based on my personal experience with and knowledge of EMDR.

1. Make sure you trust your therapist or whoever the professional who will be guiding you through the experience is; also make sure that they are qualified with EMDR experience. They should not offer the option if they have no experience with it.

2. Make sure you are in a relatively stable enough place to go through it. Don’t lie just because you want to do it. it’s a very intense psychological experience and can be draining so just be somewhat prepared and don’t be surprised if you feel kinda worn out the rest of the day after the session. There have been times I have taken breaks from EMDR when other issues of life became problematic and as a result I was less stable. It’s not something you want to force when you’re not stable enough, for safety reasons. For me it was difficult to admit I wasn’t stable enough as I wanted to just “push through” thinking it’ll automatically heal me, but it doesn’t quite work that way.

3. My sister is also a licensed therapist and gave me this metaphor when I was struggling with EMDR, it has shifted my perspective and helped me a lot. Think of EMDR as riding a train through your subconscious/inner world (however you like to think of it). In between the bilateral stimulation parts your therapist will usually ask something such as “what are you noticing”. This is when you peek out the train window or poke your head out and see where the train has stopped. but you stay on the train and then repeat the process at the next stop. Do your very best to observe and not be “sucked in” to whatever you are noticing. What you notice could be an image your brain gives you, it could be a memory, or a physical sensation of some kind as well. It’s kind cool like your brain is communicating with you!

4. EMDR does require bringing up and having to somewhat relive your trauma in the controlled environment, which is why you want to make sure you trust your therapist and have any grounding items nearby or with you. If you go in person and drive yourself, don’t feel the need to drive away immediately. It’s okay to sit for a while until you’re ready. If you do telehealth maybe keep some grounding items near you and always be in a room/environment where you feel really safe. Allow time afterwards for some self care and taking it easy.

5. My therapist describes it as a process to try and close the trauma loop in a way that the memories don’t impact you quite as badly. Some have equated it to “exposure therapy but make it trauma”, although it’s kinda right, it’s more complex than that. Often things that come up repeatedly can be clues, like a branch of a tree, and through sessions you may find the roots deeper down. There may be root memories you’re not aware of and through EMDR you may eventually find those roots when you’re ready.

6. Be patient!!! You don’t want to overthink or over analyze it too much outside of therapy. It’s okay and natural to think of it but don’t try too hard to investigate, give your brain time and it will probably make sense later down the road when you are ready. I usually will write down something if it comes up and then try to put it out of my mind until next session. Don’t push yourself or judge too hard. It is a lot to go through and very heavy, it makes sense to feel frustrated or discouraged but you will make progress in your own time. Don’t be afraid to use a stop signal if you feel overwhelmed, you don’t always have to keep going!

7. Be honest! Do your very best to not worry about being judged or anything like that. Let your brain go where it needs to go without judgment or trying to control it. Don’t lie or try to force your session to to a certain way, all it will do is slow your progress! (Not trying to call anyone a liar intentionally, but sometimes we would try to direct or deflect certain things in session due to feeling like we needed more progress faster and fears/anxieties/doubts, as an impulse reaction almost, in this case we think about it for a while and journal on it until we have the words to talk it out and explain more in another session later on. “Lying” in this context can also just simply be telling your therapist you’re okay when you know that you are not.)

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense! Wishing you lots of love and comfort as you start your journey with EMDR ❤️‍🩹

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

Hey i really liked your headcanons for rooks family! I’ve been obsessed with the idea of his parents being hoarders and I was wondering if you had any more to add? If not that’s alright!🙏

Finally got to this, so sorry for the wait!!

Random HC's I Probably Overexplain - Rook Edition 1

TW: Hoarding (obviously), health issues, parentification of his older sister, dead (exotic) pet First things first, Rook is the youngest of seven. His mother has always been one who stays home, enjoying the art of taxidermy and studying the physiology of animals, where his father has always been more of a hunter. Like I mentioned in my Family HC's, Rook is very close with his mother, as she taught him to appreciate the sacrifice of death in order to sustain the circle of life. However, that 16 year gap between Rook and his siblings made her realize just how much stuff she had gotten rid of over the years that were testaments to her kids childhoods. As her kids started to move out and leave home, panic started to set in and she couldn't bring herself to get rid of any of their things that really, should have been thrown out. She tried to keep it all organized, but when her husband gently suggested they start going through it all, taking photos of what they didn't need, she broke down and refused, telling him it wasn't the same as having a physical copy of it all. Her husband backed down - after all, he was barely at home. He could deal with the mess for the few days he would stay home for the sake of the comfort of his wife, and his time out in the woods meant that his kids had another place to be as the house seemed to squeeze them out...even though that was the last thing his wife wanted.

Rook was a surprise, to say the least, but once his mother was pregnant with him, her nesting only went to 11 and it was the snapping point for one of the two kids still living at home. The elder of the two packed their bags, left a note tacked to one of her taxidermy animals, and went no contact, leaving their 16 year old sister and baby brother behind.

Rook's older sister couldn't bear the thought of Rook growing up in the environment her mother had made for him, and decided that at least until she was 18, she would stay and try to clean, as well as keep record of what the house used to look like so that maybe one day, she could restore it completely. However, when her mother caught her trying to clean the kitchen enough to try and cook, her mother broke down in tears. Her father told her that if she stressed her mother out too much, she would be solely responsible if the baby died. Because of this, she stopped cleaning, but vowed to stay to try and be a buffer for her brother, as well as get him his basic education if nothing else.

Postpartum depression ended up hitting Mrs. Hunt really hard, and once her husband confirmed his daughter was comfortable taking care of Rook for a few hours at a time, he spent his time trying to take care of his wife.

Rook and his sister ended up spending a lot of their time outside or in her room - which, she had finally been allowed to get rid of things she didn't want anymore as she was able to reason with her mother that the baby should at least have a cleaner area to crawl as he got older. This ended up being even more beneficial, as his crib was in her room and she became the primary caretaker for him. During this time, her parents were just trying to keep her mom from giving up on everything.

When Rook was about two, their mother finally tried to reach out to a company that would help her clean, however, because the family lived off the grid, they had some money, but not enough for the job that was required. Rook's sister gently volunteered to start cleaning, but at this point, her father had also gotten used to the "cozy" feeling of having his kid's belongings all around him and struggled with the idea of having anything change, especially as his wife was just starting to get better, he thought changing her environment wouldn't be beneficial for her.

So Rook's sister respected her parent's decision and continued trying to take care of Rook to the best of her ability, however, she did so outside as often as possible, so in the winter when she had to stay inside with him, they would both get incredibly ill from black mold exposure. Her parents wrote it off as a cold, so her tipping point was when he couldn't breathe, even when she wrapped him up and took him outside. She swaddled him as best she could and trekked on foot to the nearest town, knocked on the first door she could get to, and begged for assistance for him. The people in the home drove them both to the hospital, where he was treated for his symptoms, and she was treated for frostbite. Her dad ended up tracking them down, acting glad to see them, but on the way home reprimanded her for pretending to be Rook's parent and for not letting the family handle it themselves, and making sure she didn't tell anyone about the situation at home.

As Rook got older, his sister took on the responsibility of getting him into school, as well as teaching him how to hunt/fish and general survival skills, the way her father had taught her. This type of influence kinda snapped her dad out of his agoraphobia and he started trying to get more involved with Rook and raising him, still out of the house. When Rook was about nine, his sister and mom got into a huge argument, and her mother blamed her for being the reason she wasn't close with her son. Rook then de-escalated the situation by showing his mother he had been reading her old research journals. While it wasn't a lot, it was enough for his mom to get her workspace back. His sister helped her clean and organize that space to the best of her ability, his father started to hunt more often again, and his mother started to lead him through the importance of the circle of life. As balance started to seep back into their lives, his older sister started feeling more comfortable leaving Rook in the care of her parents and really get to start her own life. She still feels guilt for leaving, but she promised Rook to stay penpals and they did! She would regularly send him trinkets from her stays wherever she was, and often sent photos of her visiting with their other big siblings, telling him one day she would come back for him and bring him to see the rest of the world. That was all Rook had to hang on to as his parents started to spiral again now that another child had left the house.

When Rook was about 12, his father brought home a hyacinth macaw for him, (yes by unethical means, but you knew that), and he found it absolutely gorgeous. He loved that bird more than anything, so when it went missing one day, he was absolutely heartbroken. He ended up finding the poor bird weeks later, stuck behind some books on his mother's bookshelf. His mother saw it as an excellent opportunity to brighten up the home with a splash of colour by getting Rook to taxidermy his beloved pet. After that day, he decided pets were overrated - animals were meant for food, for study, or for trophies and that was it.

It's not that he doesn't have good memories of his parents, there were certainly really high highs, but there were also very low lows. His parents haven't gotten much better in the house they live in, and he's gone minimal contact with them. He's still trying to get over the feeling of abandonment his sister left him with, but doesn't blame her for leaving. Overall, talking about home and family is just painful for him, so he'd rather not. He likes to watch people because he fantasizes about what his life could have been like if he were in their shoes instead.

[abbatoirablaze]

Behind Closed Doors, Chapter 19

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings:  slight angst

“Your honor, I’m just asking for a valid custody agreement that works for both of us.  It’s not like I’m being unreasonable in my requests,” Chris argued.  His lawyer pulled on his sleeve, and you frowned as he continued, “my ex and her new husband have three children together, and she’s pregnant with their fourth!  I don’t want my children being ignored or forgotten between all the new faces!”

“Ignored,” you asked, standing up to glare at him, “Chris, when’s the last time you actually saw your children?  I’m there every single day for Johnny and Shayla.  I know their favorite colors.  What foods they do and don’t like.  I know everything about our children.  Can you say that?”

“Enough,” the judge said, banging his gavel, “I will not allow my court room to be made a mockery of because of a set of bickering parents.  However, I would like an answer to one of Mrs. Stans’ question, Mr. Evans.  When is the last time that you saw…Johnny and Shayla?”

Chris visibly paled, “I-uh…it’s been a while.  But I’m always filming and-”

“Mrs. Stan?” the judge asked, turning his attention to you as he cut Chris off, “do you know when the last time Mr. Evans saw his children was?”

“Their kindergarten graduation,” you admitted, “but that was about two years ago.  They’re about to enter the third grade.”

“And did you have opportunities to see your children between then and now, Mr. Evans?  Or was your filming schedule too busy?”

Chris frowned and his lawyer stopped him from speaking when he stood up, “Mr. Evans has a busy life as he is an actor and is often out of the country making films, your honor.  That’s his livelihood.  He doesn’t do it to avoid seeing his children.”

“That was not my question,” he said firmly, “should I ask Mrs. Stan again?  I feel as though she may know the answer.”

Sebastian took your hand under the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“I have your honor!” Chris frowned, “But she’s poisoned them against me.  My daughter won’t even acknowledge my existence, and my son-“

“Mr. Evans, please,” the judge frowned, cutting Chris off, “we are here to determine custody arrangements for Johnny and Shayla.  Mrs. Stan, I see in the records there is no formal custody agreement save for this contract when you and Mr. Evans entered a relationship.”

“Yes, your honor…when Mr. Evans and I entered into a relationship, with the intention of children, it was outlined that I would be responsible for the children’s care on a day-to-day basis, and should we ever split up, I would retain custody of our children.”

“Has he ever paid child support, Mrs. Stan?”

“I don’t want money from Chris your honor,” you said quickly, shaking your head, “I-I never did.  I’ve never held Chris back from seeing the kids, but I think that it’s important that they are raised with a mother and a father in a stable home.  Sebastian has been with me since I left Chris…when I found out he was cheating on me after I gave birth to the twins, Sebastian was my rock.  Sebastian gave me a job as his personal assistant and allowed me to earn an income while offering a safe place to raise them.  He-he’s all but taken the twins on as his own children…and they have a loving, supportive, stable home life.  They get good grades in school and have friends, and are extremely sociable, sweet children.  I-I’m not saying that Chris can’t see them.  I just don’t want them ripped up from that from time to time and have to deal with being wherever Chris is shooting at…or dealing with unfamiliar people in nannies and tutors.  That shouldn’t be an environment that eight-year-olds are raised in.”

“That was not my question, Mrs. Stan.  Did Mr. Evans ever pay you child support?”

“No sir.” You said quickly, “but I don’t want it.”

“Mr. Evans, I’m going to be frank with you,” the judge said firmly as he looked between you and Chris, “you really lucked out with the woman you had these two children with.  She cares deeply for their emotional and physical well-being and has not been a hinderance on you financially or otherwise.  Most men in your position that come into my courtroom get chained with gross amounts of child support and little time with their children.  And it appears that Mrs. Stan is doing neither of those things.”

“Your honor-“

“As for your motion to have full custody, I’m going to deny it, as I do agree with Mrs. Stan,” he said firmly, “children should have a stable environment, and it appears that with her and her husband they have that, even with the number of children they have.”

“SIR-“

“As for your outbursts in my courtroom, as well as the police reports from both Mr. and Mrs. Stan’s wedding, and the incident report on the set of one of your films between Mr. Stan and his wife, and yourself, I am bound in my duty to discuss the welfare of your children should you have visitations with them.”

“What?”

You looked to your lawyer, “what is he talking about?”

“I submitted the police reports and incident reports to show the judge why Chris shouldn’t have the kids full time, but it could impact his ability to see the kids at all.”

Your heart ached as you looked at your ex.

He looked completely blindsided.

You stood, “your honor, I don’t wish to limit the amount of time Chris can be near the twins.  If-If he wants to be around them, I’m always willing to make it work.  I-“

“Mrs. Stan, these incidents show that Mr. Evans is prone to rage, and has taken it out on you and your husband more than once,” he frowned, cutting you off, “I’ve had cases where these incidents grow, and especially after proceedings like these, can impact the very children the cases are about.”

“I would never lay a hand on my kids!” Chris said quickly as he stood up, “I love Johnny and Shayla!”

“Chris would never physically hurt Johnny and Shayla!” you said just as quickly.

“Honey, what are you doing?”

“Mrs. Stan, I will leave it up to you, but if you want mandated, supervised visits for Mr. Evans, you are well within your rights.”

Chris looked at you. 

But you were shaking your head before the judge could even finish the sentence, “no.  No.  Chris would never lay a finger on Johnny and Shayla.  Th-that’s too far, your honor.”

“Hey…Sebastian…are you okay?”

Sebastian looked over at you, and gave you a simple smile, “fine…”

You could tell that he was lying.

“I know that look, Sebastian…talk to me.”

“I was just thinking about the court case again today…”he admitted with a frown, “Johnny was really looking forward to the camping trip that Chris promised him…and he no-showed again.”

You frowned as well, “he said that something came up.”

“Something always comes up with him…” he replied, “you know…I was looking into it, and when he wastes time like that, it is viewed as a controlling thing…he had you waiting around the house for hours.  If I wasn’t home, the babies would have missed their shots…”

“Sebastian.”

“You’re just…you’re too easy on him,” he admitted, “I mean, I know that he’s Johnny and Shayla’s biological dad…and you want it to work…but maybe it’s not meant to.”

“I know...but what can I do?” you asked, “I don’t want the kids to resent me.  And I don’t want them thinking that he doesn’t care.”

“We could always take him back to court?” he suggested. 

“For what?” you snorted, “ignoring Johnny and Shayla?  He can’t get in trouble for that.”

“Maybe…maybe he could sign over his rights.”

Your brow furrowed as you looked at your husband, “what?”

“If he really doesn’t want to be a part of their lives…maybe he should,” he offered, “I mean, I know you were really upset when he mentioned it when we filmed for Winter Soldier, but maybe…maybe he should.”

“Sebastian…where is this coming from?” you asked, “if Chris signed over his rights…Johnny and Shayla would be devastated!”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” he said quietly, “ever since he’d mentioned it originally…and I-I don’t know…I don’t think they would be so devastated…because I’d ask them how they would feel if I officially stepped up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Honey…I want to adopt them,” he explained, “I want Johnny and Shayla to be Johnny and Shayla Stan, not Evans…I just-it feels right.  Like that was what was meant to happen.”

“Oh Sebastian…”

“But I mean…that’s only if that would be something that they want, obviously.  I wouldn’t offer it right now…but when they were older,” he said quickly, “I-I wouldn’t want them to feel pressured by it.”

“Well, I know that Shayla would be up for it,” you admitted, “she’s always seen you more as her father than she has Chris…but Johnny…I think if Chris signed over his rights, Johnny would be destroyed.”

He nodded, “Yeah…”

“But it’s a sweet thought,” you added, reaching over to take his hand in your own, “it really is, Sebastian…you’re such an amazing man.  And you have such a large heart.  It means the world to me that you see Johnny and Shayla as your children.  I’ve seen you want to move mountains for them, even though Chris is their biological dad.  Honestly, your empathy and commitment to not only me, but our family is one of the reasons I continue to fall in love with you more and more every day.”

“I love you too, honey!” he smiled, “hey…I know that Johnny was hoping that Chris would come by and do the camping trip, but tomorrow is only Thursday…do you think he’d want to go still…with me?  I could plan a boy’s weekend, and take Johnny, Jack, and Jefferson to pick out a tent and sleeping bags, and other stuff and I could take the three of them for the weekend…and you and Shayla and the babies could do something, like go shopping, or meet up with my mom and have a few days without the noise of the boys.”

“I think the boys will love that…”

His smile lit up your world and he tapped his script, “alright…we’ll do it then.  Tomorrow morning, I’ll make us a big breakfast, and ask the boys if they want to do a camping trip…and we’ll go shopping then head out…”

“God, I love you…”

“Shit,” he said, eyes widening ever so slightly, “I don’t know where any campsites are…baby-“

“Already on it,” you laughed, opening a new tab on your laptop, “we’ll have this all figured out in no time.”

“What would I do without you?” he grinned.

“I ask myself the same question all the time!” you sighed happily. 

Chapter 20

[orcinus-veterinarius]

from your experience, do you think fully indoor enclosures (the Georgia Aquarium or SeaWorld Abu Dhabi, for example) are worse welfare-wise for cetaceans and pinnipeds than outdoor ones? they would definitely be advantageous in places where severe weather is a concern, but I feel like they should be out in the fresh air. i don’t want to make a judgment call if that’s not the case though cuz I’ve always wondered about this but don’t know enough about marine mammals to answer. thanks :)

So this is a really great question, and actually one I’ve been wondering about myself recently. From what I can tell, there hasn’t been a lot of formal research into the pros and cons of completely indoor versus completely outdoor habitats for marine mammals. My “gut” response is to agree with you that, yes, exposure to fresh air and sunlight is preferable whenever possible. Never underestimate the important of sunlight!

However, there are environments where indoor housing is more appropriate, namely urban settings. Aquariums like Georgia, Shedd, and National are literally downtown in Atlanta, Chicago, and Baltimore respectively—major cities. While this is an optimal location for reaching the highest number of people, it also means air quality is poor, and we know how sensitive marine mammals are to respiratory pollutants. In these cases, indoor habitats are probably the wiser option, and it seems to have served them well. In the 12 years since Georgia Aquarium opened its bottlenose exihibit, they have only lost one dolphin (to acute pneumonia), despite maintaining a pod of a dozen or so. Obviously, there are a whole host of factors that go into health and survival rates (Georgia does not permit its dolphins to breed, for one, which eliminates juvenile mortalities), but I don't think it's unfair to assume there would probably be a lot more respiratory problems in their pod if the dolphins lived outside in downtown Atlanta.

Another major factor that has only recently been recognized is regional microbiomes. This is one of the more viable theories as to what caused the short-lived dolphinarium Dolphinaris Arizona to tragically lose half of its dolphins over the course of a year and a half. Most of their dolphins were born either at SeaWorld Orlando or Dolphin Quest's Hawai'i locations—tropical climates, especially when compared to the arid desert climate of the greater Phoenix area. In Arizona, the dolphins encountered a new set of pathogens quite different from what they were acclimated to, and it is thought this contributed to at least a few of the deaths (one of them died of neurological disease for unrelated reasons).

Dolphinaris Arizona was a modern facility, with both indoor and outdoor habitats, and inspections revealed no issues with the animals’ care. It might’ve been horrible luck, similar to what CMA is experiencing right now. But I can’t help but wonder if all-indoor facilities might’ve prevented all this heartbreak.

The brand-new SeaWorld Abu Dhabi is now home to twenty-four dolphins—all from US SeaWorld Parks, which are found in humid subtropical to temperate coastal desert climates. Abu Dhabi, like Arizona, is in an arid desert climate. However, as you mentioned, the new facility is entirely indoors, which hopefully will aid in protecting the animals from both the unfamiliar desert pathogens and pollutants of the city. Reassuringly, the dolphin habitat is surrounded by large windows to allow ample exposure to natural sunlight. Since arriving in the fall of last year, all the dolphins have so far been doing well!

(I’m really excited about this habitat. It’s quite large and features depth variation, rockwork, a rain simulator, and live fish. I’ve also seen waves in some of the park walkthrough videos I’ve watched, although I’m unsure if this is from an actual wave machine or just the changes in depth combined with the animals’ movements).

Thanks for the ask! I hope it was helpful. I would love to be involved in formal research on the topic in the future!

[ennabear]

hiya ennabear!! peep the theme :33 absolute loveeee omgg >0<

dyou take nsfw requests? If so, can i ask for loser!abby, whos like, a soft sub (she doesnt really press titles, since she isnt too obedient, but she cannot dominate for the life of her), being very shy and awk with reader since its her first time and she doesnt wanna screw up and do something wrong 😭 ooh im sick shes so precious look at heerrrr

(We are ignoring the boat scene. Owen does not exist. I refuse to acknowledge that tweeg 😡😡)

i genuinly forgot what her short hair era was called .. yaknow, when we find her tied to like, a tree (?? I dont remembed whether or not it was a tree) .. but make it so that the stories set after that 🫂🫂 apologies for not being able to tell you when that was im just very decaffeinated rn and havent had a chance to replay since like last year :P

also, can u make it so that reader is geniuinly js very fluffy and caring and allat?? No demeaning or anything, i want it teeth-rottingly sweet 🥳

thanks in advance! Now back to my deep dark lesbianism-cave-of-shame i go (ФωФ)

--🃏🌀⭐️

HIII NONNIE!!!! i’m posting this separately from the actual fic because when i was writing the authors notes/content warnings i couldn’t stop yapping… i definitely wrote wayyyyy too much for this oops… opened tumblr and my thumbs just couldn’t stop 😭 BUT AWYAOAAOOWYW THANK YEWWW i had to do a bear theme at some point because… well… ennabear……

i do take nsfw reqs!!!!! i’ll write for most nsfw things but if you’re ever too unsure check out my rules!!! I’M SO HAPPY YOU ASKED FOR LOSER!ABBY!!!! i actually love her so much but my loser!abby posts always flop astronomically hard… loser!abby fandom so small we could all fit on a bus…. 🤦🤦

also yes owen slander is 100% allowed here!!! i hate that bitch for not only screwing over abby BUT MEL TOO???? ughhh he gets on my nerves… I CAN’T STAND MENNNNN

i believe the abby era you’re talking about is pillars/santa barbara/catalina abby???? (i hope so because that’s who i wrote it about 😭) i had to do some of my own world building for this because tlou3 isn’t out yet (idek if it was confirmed… but we’ll pretend abby and reader have a happy ending!!!!) so i completely just made up shit about the island, people, environment, etc. (i’ve never even been to california bruhhhh)

writing fluffy smut is my PASSION i gotchu anon 🤝 hope u get some caffeine in your system and a chance to play again!! and if you ever wanna come back out of your dark lesbianism cave of shame, COME BACK INTO MY INBOX!!!!! i love yapping (if you can’t tell)!!!!! TJANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST!!! HAPPY READING!!!!!!

[skzdarlings]

Hello darling <3 it's been a long time since I've read skz fanfiction, but I wanted to drop in a message :)

When it was first releasing, I read your Felix bodyguard series and absolutely loved it. It was honestly one of the most unique and well-written x readers that I have ever seen. The storytelling, character portrayals, fantastic. I sobbed several times and stayed up on many late nights just to read the next update. Even now, I come back to it for writing inspiration. So did I mention how much I loved your bodyguard series? LMAO. I could genuinely write paragraphs and paragraphs about it, if you'd like me to <3

As I said earlier, I don't really read stray kids fanfiction anymore- other fandoms and media have captured my interest, which is what happens. Last night, however, I took the time to scroll through my followed tags to clean them out. I accidentally clicked on the han jisung x reader tag, and boom, I was knee deep in forbidden fantasy angst. And once again, I am completely astounded by the care and effort you've put into your fics. I can just feel the careful weaving you've done to form the story into what it is now, and I am all for it. I think the plot and characters pose a certain question: what defines a sin?

Many people would say it's an action that is evil, such as murder or in the kingsguard's case, sex. But what defines evil then? If murder is done in self defense, or sex is done with mutual consent and pure love created by the gods, then is it really evil? And in that case, is it really a sin?

The same goes for acts of good, or people of good. The king and queen are said to be chosen by the gods, but if the king is flawed, cruel and brutal- why is he the standard for good if he seems to be so evil? If sin seems to be all around him: in the air he breathes, in the food he eats? In the hand he uses to strike his wife, in the voice that he uses to bark at innocent bystanders?

The kingsguard I suppose were made to counteract this. Protect the king and queen at all costs, but if they are deemed unjust, the kingsguard will turn their swords against them in pursuit of good. In this case, the kingsguard are lovely people(of course, they're skz)- but even they notice cracks in their own goodness. Because to them, goodness is defined by the rules laid out to the kingsguard to be in line with the gods. But do they really align with this goodness? Or did they all sneakily allow Felix to commit treason and turn a blind eye? Or did Jisung break the rules of chastity, or did they badmouth the king behind his back? That certainly does not align with the rules. Does that mean they're evil and have therefore, committed a sin?

I think it really depends on what you define as goodness, and therefore, sin. It's never the same for anyone- and though you may try to imprint your ideas onto another, you will never fully align. So is this pursuit of good even worth it in the end? Who knows. It once again, depends.

I apologize for going on and on: your fic has provoked many thoughts, and I hope I've translated them well enough into writing. These types of questions are the ones I often asked myself growing up bi in a religious household, and it took me years to define my own sense of good separate from what my parents so hardly beat into me. It's refreshing to see this kind of portrayal of that through your writing, whether this was an intentional connection or not. I think people can really relate to this, and I have- even though it's about a queen and her kingsguard(lmao).

That's all from me today. Once again: I apologize for just yapping in your ear, and I hope it all came out right. Thank you for your wonderful writing, and have a lovely day darling <3

- a very talkative anon

thank you SO much for such a thoughtful ask! wow i so appreciate it and i enjoyed reading it so much.

yes a lot of those thoughts are things I’ve things mulled over a lot too as someone also raised in a very religious environment. kingsguard is obviously a very dramatic version of events with the highest escalation possible, but i think that’s part of the fun and use of story-telling, it’s like putting a magnifying glass to our mundane events and feelings.

bodyguard is the same way for me. most of us (probably) don’t have a mafia boss father with quite that level of social power, but may know what it’s like to have parents who are controlling or neglectful or outright abusive in other ways, and we may also take time to find ourselves and grow and heal in spite of that. similarly most of us probably can’t relate to being married to a violent powerful holy king then finding ways to survive and combat it, but we may relate to circumstances where patriarchal figures are given leeway for their bad behaviour while retaliation is treated as a worse offence.

i definitely admit I write very over the top drama, even campy at times, and i enjoy my purple prose lol!!! so it’s fun to read at a glance, but i definitely do write with a lot of thoughts and feelings too so it’s always very nice to see different people connect to different things in different ways. i love getting a thoughtful ask, so thank you very very much for all your words!

i hope you take care whichever fandom you’re having fun in, thank you for popping back and messaging! much love 😊🧡🧡

[loonavrsl]

240909 [Interview] Sportsworld Interview with Loossemble

English translation by gointosubbit:

*****

'The Members Are So Precious'... Loossemble: Five People Who Are Happy to Be on Stage Together Even Amidst the Difficulty and Bickering

Q. What was most difficult or required the most care as you prepared this album?

“We put a lot of care into the choreography. We focused on the ability to express choreography and gestures, as well as the things that we wanted to impart, and because the song is upbeat and addictive, we wanted to deliver our energy to the fans so we wanted this to have that much more energy. So we generally increased our choreo practice time by a lot, and practiced and put a lot of care into the stage presence and teamwork aspects as well.” (Hyunjin)

Q. The members participated in lyric-writing for this album as well. Apart from that, did you also voice opinions on the conceptual side?

“In the past two albums, a lot of our visions and colors were reflected. This time around, it was wholly Ryan Jhun producer-nim’s vision that went into it. We honestly needed that kind of challenge a bit, and we have faith in producer-nim, so we followed and trusted in what he said. I think what we participated in this time was more focused around lyric-writing and maintaining our own selves well.” (Hyeju)

Q. The unit songs are noticeable. The units are structured into “Confessions” (Hyunjin, Go Won, Yeojin) and “Cotton Candy” (Hyeju, Vivi, Yeojin). And Yeojin, in particular, was part of both.

“That’s also my question. Why did I get into two songs like that?” (Yeojin)

“I think it relates back to Loona. Back then Yeojin didn’t have a unit. So I think you can see this as a linkage between the previous lore and the current lore unique to Loossemble, happening through this promotion.” (Go Won)

“You could see Yeojin’s role as bridging the two units.” (Vivi)

Q. Do you have a goal for this promotion?

“I was joking with Ryan Jhun producer-nim and asked, ‘What are you buying us if we get a show win?’ And he promised to buy each member an expensive bag. We are going to work harder. (Laughs)” (Yeojin)

“Since we prepared hard for this, we’d like to get on even more diverse kinds of stages, even more often.” (Vivi)

Q. Soon it will be your one-year re-debut anniversary (September 15). Looking back, how has the past year been?

“On the one hand I think “I’ve lived busily”, and even more so that “I spent it fruitfully”. We debuted and had a comeback and went on tour in between, too. I worked really hard and can honestly say that I filled up the whole year with diligent work, so this year feels really precious to me.” (Yeojin)

Q. Does it feel very different from the first Loona anniversary?

“Very different. It has been a long while since then, and this past year we did even more activities than that year, so we were able to grow rapidly. And with fewer members, each of us have bigger roles, so it’s an environment where you can’t help but grow more quickly. I think this past year was one that allowed us to take more responsibility in all aspects and to grow.” (Hyeju)

Q. It feels like the leader Hyunjin, who played a key role in the re-formation of Loossemble, would have special feelings about this.

“I feel some pressure but it’s the good kind of pressure, so I’ve been living happily these days. And the members trust and follow me so well, so I am grateful to them, and we have such good vibes right now. So taking these vibes forward, I feel like we’re going to pull off this promotion quite well. And bring back good accomplishments. The vibes are so good this time around that I think we’ll bring results.” (Hyunjin)

Q. During the Loona days there was no leader for the overall team. What are some pros and cons of having a leader like you do now?

“I think there’s a lot. Like distributing the script lines? Also since she’s the leader, when she says “Assemble”, we assemble right away. She gets sad when we don’t listen to the leader well. When we don’t listen, it’s not like “Why won’t you listen to me,” but it feels like “Please listen to me” instead. (Laughs) So she’s kind of adorable.” (Yeojin)

“There’s pros and cons (to being leader). When we distribute the script lines, I get dibs on the comments that I want to say. I take short lines and give out a lot to the members. If I had to name a downside, the members sometimes make fun of me. (Laughs)” (Hyunjin)

“Honestly I make fun of her a lot. It’s so fun when I tease unnie. Because you have to tease the person who’s entertaining to watch, right? She has the funniest reactions.” (Yeojin)

“As Hyunjin’s become the leader, I’ve gotten to see new sides of her, and since we’ve been together for a long time, it feels really new even just to select one person as the leader like this as we start over. And since we’re a team, sometimes it’s necessary for someone to come up with a suggestion and talk it out, and Hyunjin has been doing that really well, so I think that makes the team work well.” (Vivi)

“I have a wholesome story about Hyunjin unnie recently. Hyeju unnie was briefly sick so she went home first, and the rest of us were sitting in the practice room, and Hyunjin unnie suddenly went, ‘There’s a way for us to synchronize our choreography a bit more,’ and she started teaching us fundamentals. She taught us a lot, like ‘This way you can dance a little better.’ I really felt her leader’s side at that moment.” (Yeojin)

Q. Loona had a lot of ups and downs as well, but it feels like the members must also have a special attachment for the current team of Loossemble.

“I think Loossemble to me is a new beginning. Because I got to do a lot in Loossemble that I never got to do in Loona, so to me Loossemble is a new beginning, a new challenge. It’s so new in a really positive way, and I’m so happy and content.” (Yeojin)

“We were in a situation where we could have never gotten back to the stage, never seen the fans again. As Loossemble I was able to get back on the stage, see the fans again after a short time, and achieve my dreams.” (Go Won)

“I’m so grateful for this group. As someone who loves the stage so much, I’m the happiest and have the most fun when I get on the stage with the members. As someone who values having fun the most, the happiness meter in my life is at its highest when I’m dancing with the members on stage. And Loossemble is what allowed me to do that. So that’s why I think I get really nervous when I perform every time. Because that’s how precious and important the performance is to me. So the members tell me all the time, ‘Why are you so nervous, why are you sweating so much?’ Every moment, the stage is so important. So I always want to thank the members, but I’m really shy so I can’t really say thanks. This is embarrassing but I want to take this occasion to thank them, and I want this album to do really well, and for us to be strong.” (Hyunjin)

“Debuting as Loossemble felt like one of the turning points in my life. I am a foreigner so I actually had a lot to think about during that time, but thanks to this good opportunity I was able to start over as Loossemble. Loossemble taught me a bit about myself as well and I loved that.” (Vivi)

Q. We heard that prior to re-debuting as Loossemble, Hyeju debated closing out the dream of being a singer. Have you thought about what it would have been like if you really quit at that time?

“Even if I were to go back, I would make the same decision. I would choose the challenge of being Loossemble and returning to the stage once more. Nothing would change even if I went back, and these current members are a collection of such different personalities and different tendencies that I’m sometimes really fascinated. Seeing us flow on without any big troubles, I think we’re looking out for each other a lot and doing pretty well. (Hyeju)

Q. You must hold special feelings for the fans as well. Do you feel anything has changed with the fans compared to the Loona activity days?

“I think I feel more emotional about the fans. After the whole incident during the Loona times, as I re-debuted as Loossemble, the fans said a lot along the lines of ‘I thought I’d never see you again.’ So I think we’ve grown more intimate with them.” (Yeojin)

Q. What do you think has changed about yourselves, the members?

“As we’ve gotten older and more experienced, a lot of things that were difficult and hard to understand have become comprehensible, because we experienced those things. And we’ve become more able to participate in lyric-writing, more able to express our ideas about albums, and grown as artists. As people, too, as we went through the hard times, the wounds have lost sting and we’ve learned how to get back up. How to get through difficult times, how to destress, we’re learning those remedies one by one.” (Hyeju)

Q. It feels like you and ARTMS, a group also originating from Loona, might inspire each other too. Do you keep in frequent contact?

“I contact Choerry unnie pretty frequently. Almost every day, I think. Unnie is on tour right now, you know. But she’s still good about texting back and we’re telling each other to come over to our homes. Recently ARTMS held a concert and I went to see them. They played Loona songs there and I danced in the stands, and the unnies also said ‘Yeojin let’s dance together’ from the stage so I really enjoyed that concert. I don’t think anything has changed between us. We’re like family, you could say.” (Yeojin)

“We understand so well about how each other was feeling as we were all starting over, so we feel a lot of camaraderie. And sometimes they inspire me a lot. Inevitably we are different groups now, so that gives us a nice kind of stimulation and it makes us want to show some new things or our improved selves.” (Hyeju)

Q. You’re all busy working in your respective arenas, but it feels like there must be a world where you all get back together someday.

“We are always open to it and the other members are always open too. It’s just that right now everyone is in the phase of starting over, so we’re focusing on that a bit more, and once we have each grown some more and the right timing has arrived, that’s when we’re wanting to meet the fans all together as one.” (Hyeju)

“I want to do that within a few years. And I’m curious, too. Once we have grown within each team and met again, how much cooler are we going to be by then.” (Yeojin)

Q. How do you want Loossemble to be remembered as a group?

“Honestly Loossemble is more unfamiliar to the general public than Loona, so I want this promotion to help reach the public with ‘There is such a group called Loossemble.’” (Yeojin)

Q. When the general public sees you, which feels better to you? Not recognizing Loona right away and realizing “Loossemble was from Loona?”, or recognizing the fact that Loona members are now promoting in these ways?

“Personally I want them to learn about Loossemble first. We are a team starting over, after all, so once they learn about our unique charms and begin to like Loossemble, honestly there is going to be way too much information about us. Once they get into us, there’s a lot of information and a lot to see, so I want them to first fall for Loossemble’s charms, and I want to make Loossemble become more known. And honestly Loona and Loossemble have different musical styles and group colors, so in my opinion our charms are different.” (Hyeju)

Q. When you have no schedules, do the members hang out together often?

“We have a lot of introverted members, so we spend a lot of time at home.” (Go Won)

“I have a dog, so I always spend time at home no matter what. Doing nothing and spending time with my dog. Because I just came home from working outside, so going outside again is too tiring.” (Yeojin)

“Honestly when we’re promoting, we have a lot of break times and long standby periods, so we have plenty of time to meet and chat then. So there isn’t really the need to do that even after work or on days off… (Laughs)” (Hyeju)

“Once in a while I do hang out with Go Won unnie. Once in a long while. But the routine goes like this. Suppose practice ended early, then it’s ‘Wanna eat? Wanna go to the cafe? Wanna play the claw machine?’” (Yeojin)

Q. The five of you have such great chemistry. Have you ever fought?

“I don’t know if I can say this. We had a huge fight. (Everyone laughs)” (Yeojin)

“Recently during choreo practice, I guess Hyunjin unnie and I were feeling some kind of conflict mentally. Some days you’re just in a bad mood, you know. We started talking and there was a bit of trouble, and the spark blew up kind of big, so we ended up taking some time to all gather around and have a talk.” (Hyeju)

“Suddenly I got pulled into it too and I felt hurt and cried at home.” (Yeojin)

“After we poured out so much of what was on our hearts, after taking that time, I think we became able to speak more easily. We fought that time and made up that same day. We don’t really hold grudges like that.” (Hyeju)

Q. When you rest, how do you find comfort and destress?

“This is our third album within a year, right. So we haven’t had very long breaks. So my way of resting is just staying home and doing nothing, and exercising helps me destress a lot too.” (Vivi)

“My stress levels go down when I wash my hair. I shower at home and lie down still. When you lift your legs, that gets the blood circulating, right. Then I feel the stress going away. That’s how I control it a bit.” (Hyunjin)

“Lately I’ve been building Nanoblocks. It requires a bit of creativity, and that actually allows me to have fun without thinking much. I just got into it.” (Go Won)

“I have a dog and she’s so cute. She makes my stress go away. When she runs around the home instead of me and makes a mess, I clean up after her going ‘Sheesh.’ I’m the mom. The little one influences me so much, and I wish everyone would have a dog and do well by them. I also raise a lizard. His name is Gaeko.” (Yeojin)

“I don’t have a ton of friends, so I honestly make plans like once a month if that? I like hanging out with my family, so I destress as I eat and chat with them. Since they are the people on my side who give me absolute support. They join in with me when I want to complain about somebody, and when I’m having a hard time they empathize with me and encourage me that I’m doing really well. I think hearing it from family gives me more strength than hearing it from anyone else.” (Hyeju)

Q. Lastly, anything you want to add?

“To be honest, recently I was going through a bad period mentally. It was so tough having to work on promotions when I’m going through this. And in the past, Hyeju unnie would have just said things curtly, but unnie was speaking to me softly, and I realized that made me feel a little better. I guess the members, Hyeju unnie, were really important to me. For example, even when we need to practice, Hyeju unnie doesn’t say much. But for this promotion, she would tell me, ‘Hey Yeojin, let’s go practice,’ and I would think, ‘This unnie is going through a lot too but she’s doing all this for me. I should work, too.’ Since it was mentally tough, I used to go home and cry. And when I got texted ‘Let’s gather at this time tomorrow’ I would reply ‘Yes’ and go back out. It’s gotten a lot better. Hyunjin unnie told me, ‘You are doing so well right now’, and Vivi unnie cries together with me. And I don’t know about Go Won unnie. Unnie already plays along with me and listens to me the best, as it is. So for this album, I wanted to tell Hyeju unnie how grateful I am. It was such a difficult period mentally, and Hyeju unnie was willing to be my rock.” (Yeojin)

*****

Translation by: gointosubbit

[greghatecrimes]

I like you and i don't think you're a bad person but I feel like you don't understand Thirteen as a character, you seem to idolize the hollow caricature of her you've created that allows you to insert yourself inside. I'm telling you, you don't need to look like Olivia Wilde to talk about your passions and interests!

You don't have to attribute these things to a fictional person, you can let go of the mask and just be truly you! I promise you will find a new appreciation for Thirteen, and more importantly yourself. I wish you all the peace and love in the world, and I hope my words help you find yourself. Take care 💖

Wow, this was so enlightening for me about my insecurities and the inner workings of my psyche! Even more than five years of therapy, EMDR, and an entire psychology degree!! Anon, I’m assuming you’re the same person that sent me the ask I answered this morning. I see now that I assumed wrongly when I answered that ask under the belief that it was just genuine curiosity. The huge irony here is that I’ve grown a lot over the past five years, and lately I’ve been reflecting on how I’m in a place now where I’m perfectly happy to be who I am, to love what I love, to be unapologetically me. As a follower of my sideblog on tumblr (not even my main blog!!!) you’re only seeing a tiny portion of who I really am as a person (because I KNOW you’re not someone that knows me in real life). Having said that, it certainly takes a HELL of a lot of audacity to come into MY inbox and tell me on anon that you think you know me and my insecurities and how I think about Thirteen better than I know all of those things about myself. 

This is actually HILARIOUS to me, because I WISH the things I “hide behind a character”, as you would say, were as simple as passions and interests. When I was talking about attributing emotions to fictional characters, I didn’t mean silly things like the fact that I like video games, or being a cat person, or even deeper things like being autistic/ADHD (which I 100% admit, when I headcanon the House characters as neurodivergent, that is me projecting because I wish we had more ND representation in media. And you know what? PROJECTION IS OKAY. this is TUMBLR. I reblog fucking pony versions of my favorite characters! I write crack headcanons! Bestie, I’m just trying to de-stress on this blog. 95% of the stuff I post here is not as serious as you’re trying to make it.) Here’s the short version of my REAL “insecurities that I project into a hollow caricature of Thirteen” for you: I grew up being abused. I wasn’t allowed to express any emotions. Ever. I wasn’t allowed to have any needs. Ever. Now I have post traumatic stress disorder and my life is a mess. My life kind of sucked for the first 21 years and guess what? It still kind of sucks right now! I write and think about Thirteen processing trauma she might have faced in her life because it’s cathartic to me as someone who is healing from their own trauma, and to help myself cope with living in an actively stressful/shitty environment. (And guess what? It's a clinically approved coping mechanism. I highly doubt my therapist of five years would let me invest so much time and effort and emotion into a hollow caricature of a person that leads me to lose sight of who I really am!)

This is fanfiction and tumblr headcanons, not a published writing gig. You clearly care too much about my characterization of Thirteen aligning with yours, and unfortunately for you, I don’t. I write what I write because I want to read it. If you want to write her a certain way, no one’s stopping you! Make your own tumblr posts! Write your own damn fanfics! I’m not the authority on Thirteen and I’ve never pretended to be. If you don’t like anything about my characterization of Thirteen, then fucking move on. I’ve put way too much time and effort into giving everyone in my life the benefit of the doubt and striving to be the bigger person, to be the nicest person. And you know what? I’ve spent my entire life being ashamed of what I think and doubting everything I feel. I’ve already got five years and counting of working to undo that damage. I’m not about to let an anon on tumblr make me feel the same shame and doubt about my thoughts and writing for one of my favorite characters.

[therentyoupay]

Hey Kris 🥹 I’m in the process of re-reading my fav of yours TON. I’ve always wondered how you came up with that prompt and if you always had an idea of where you were going with it? And if you always knew it would be this big/long of a monster. Also what drew you to the ship of Tahno and Korra? But also how are you doing? How’s data collection and your summer going? Have you been doing anything fun lately? 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 I hope you’re taking care of yourself!

HELLO MY LOVE. thank you, nonny, for your ask and for all of your sweet, thoughtful, considerate, lovely questions. 🥹💕 also, please know how much i deeply appreciate your ask and you still sticking around through all of my back-and-forth across fandoms! 💕😂 i always love and really appreciate that readers of my tahnorra, miraculous ladybug, and jelsa fanfiction are so willing to wait through the storm of rotating seasons (and sometimes, quite literally, as you know 👀🍁🍂🍃).

i made a post the other day like "this is it, it's autumn now, i have lit the apple wreath candle" and, as you might have surmised (and as you might similarly feel), this means we are officially heading into tahnorra season and that one night! 😂 time to drink café mochas (extra hot) and think about dissertations and crunchy leaves and autumn vibes!! 🍁🍂🍃☕️

i am already starting to feel the itch to finally write the last arc of that one night again, as soon as i finish the glorious, heart-consuming, soul-satisfying jelsa collab project with the gorgeously talented @callimara. ✨ and how beautiful it will be to finish this fic the same year as when i, personally, defend my dissertation???

could i have known back in 2012 that i would one day be wrapping up this mammoth of a fic 12 or so years later while finishing my own ph.d. program? (definitely low-key manifested my doctorate through this fic, i tell you 😂)

I’ve always wondered how you came up with that prompt and if you always had an idea of where you were going with it? And if you always knew it would be this big/long of a monster.

a monster, INDEED. 🤣

like at the center, it started as a series of micro-fic/drabbles/one-shots/single scenes occurring within the same AU! at that time in my life when i was first posting, i was wrapping up my undergrad, and transitioning to full-time work, so i didn't have a lot of time to write full-scale, plot-driven long!fic; however, in undergrad, i learned a very valuable lesson while attending one of our professional development trainings, which really proved to me the necessity of allowing myself time to dabble in creative hobbies like writing, even if i could only produce a little bit every day.

quick reminder and anecdote to PRIORITIZE and KEEP UP with your hobbies for your mental health (and the exact moment, 13 years ago, when i realized how truly important this really is):

at the life-changing professional development training, we learned strategies and framework-driven ideologies for how to spot concerns re: our residents' mental health, especially with the first-year college students who were in my building. at one point, the lecturer pointed out a fact that really resonated with me, based on my first three years of my undergrad:

in many cases, when a person moves to a new environment (new "life" or "lifestyle"), as is the case with many young adults moving to an independent college-based lifestyle and being on their "own" completely for the first time, the first things that "drop" from people's minds/behaviors/habits/lifestyles are their hobbies, especially if individuals associate their hobbies as part of their "old" lives or their "younger" selves.

i sat in the audience, totally shocked. "that's me??"

my middle/high school friends and i had been writing handwritten fanfiction to each other on fancy paper for christmas and birthdays for years (i still have all of them!!). i had written from age 11 to age 18 and then when i got to college i got so caught up in the "college life" (social life, academic work, parties, NEW hobbies), that i completely........ let go of writing creatively...... i hadn't even thought of fic in months.

that night, after the workshop, i went home and opened up FFNET for the first time in 3 years, and i read until like 3 in the morning. three months later, i got a comment on an OLD harry potter fic asking if i would ever update, and i posted a new chapter a few weeks later. 💕 and i have not stopped since! 😂

so the reason that stories like that one night and at the center exist is because i was trying my best to take the lesson to heart, to make sure i was always writing a little bit, all the time, (almost) every day. i started with an AU premise, i opened my tumblr askbox for prompts (in the case of that one night), i let myself imagine what kinds of scenarios could happen in this AU at this stage in the characters' development, and i thought of all the connections i could make between various characters/canon plot points/rapport-building between characters/backstories, and i wrote a little bit every day before and after work, and posted them pretty much immediately. 😂

the problem with cool thing about this kind of thought experiment, however, is that you end up accidentally creating rich, full, detailed mental landscapes and emotional contexts and goals and hopes and fears for the characters in them, and then before you know it a plot develops (and 14 more wild sub-plots appear!!!) and you're suddenly 100k 200k 300k words deep into the lives that you've constructed for these characters. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 and now you've accidentally created a full-length, long!fic over the past decade, with extensively detailed slice-of-life!worldbuilding by accident!

thank you so much for letting me know that you RE-read that one night! 😭😭😭😭😭💕💕💕😭😭😭💕💕 it really means a lot!

Also what drew you to the ship of Tahno and Korra?

why do you ship tahno/korra? (post from may 10, 2013!!)

i also ship other ships in lok (including korra/asami!) but tahnorra has always always had a special place in my heart! as you'll see in the post, i have always really loved this kind of character, characters like tahno are SO interesting to me, and i always love to think about their backgrounds, the ways and whys of and hows of who they are. i was really drawn to this ship even when they were "evenly-matched" (@evenly-matched) rivals, and then once he lost his bending i wanted to explore the idea of a proper redemption arc/personal growth in tahno. 🙏 and then after i got to know their characters better (i.e., my interpretations of them) from writing the break the ice series, i decided that it would be fun to get to know them in a context that i, myself, was hoping to explore in my real life. 😂 i started to write that one night when grad school (master's degree) was just a goal on my radar! i continued writing it while i got my first master's degree, and, although i'd known for 10+ years that i would one day get a PhD, i never actually expected to be completing the fic the same year (and getting tahno to get his bio swamp phd 😂) the same year that i would get my phd. 😂💕

But also how are you doing? How’s data collection and your summer going? Have you been doing anything fun lately? 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 I hope you’re taking care of yourself!

thank you so much you thoughtful creature, you. 😭💕 I AM DOING SO WELL, THANK YOU. data collection is going really well (all the time i can't believe that i'm getting paid to DO THIS, to develop this RESERACH, to study this!!!) and i imagine I'll still be collecting new data through november, and finalizing my analysis and diss manuscript in december (gotta submit it for committee review by january 1st!!!), so it's about to be BUSY, haha!

this summer, i have really been grateful to make money, work on my fun projects, be grateful for the ins and outs of learning to be a homeowner, spending time with family and friends, and reflecting on the past four years of my phd program, and the year ahead. 🥹 it's been a calm summer! i was really leaning into this 'calm before the storm' and i'm so ready to get back into the swing of academia and finally complete this beautiful doctoral program experience and finally finish half a decade's (and more, honestly) worth of hard work. 🥹💕

I’m in the process of re-reading my fav of yours TON.

seriously, this means so much to me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭💕 THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i hope you have an AMAZING DAY, and that you're ready for ton!!autumn!!! thank you for your patience, your support, and your thoughtful, lovely, lovely ask 🥹💕 ilu!