#like this one time we were reading a truly fucked up book about medical experiments in human anatomy and it made me physically sick reading

[mrsterlingeverything]

I posted on my main Instagram that I haven’t updated in years about how I’m going to be starting drama at our high school reunion and girls the drama is already starting lmaooo

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 18

Dabi x Reader, Bakugo x Reader

Words : 4276

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together.

Words with ‘this’ is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

**********************************************************************

It’d been a little over a week since Shoto promised to go to the doctor with you and you were getting a little nervous. At first you were just waiting for the doctors to get settled in, but then Shoto was busy helping get things up and running and evacuating people to the bunker. Now you’ve just been chickening out.

Your period was a few days late, which wouldn’t be concerning if it weren’t for your current circumstance.

You woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee before taking Bravo out for a stroll around the bunker. He loved being able to run around and meet new people. He was a hit with the kids. They loved playing with him almost as much as he loved playing with them. The only downside was, there was only two places in the entire massive bunker that he could go to the bathroom. The farm and a small animal relief area near where the trash is dumped.

Needless to say, neither smelled great, but the farm was considerably better. So here you were, sitting on a small platform that oversees the crops with a cup of coffee and a book. Bravo sitting next to you keeping watch.

It was always a little chilly down here, which you honestly preferred. It just meant you could wear lots of hoodies. The more you could hide your body the better. Ever since leaving Dabi’s house you felt like you were always being watched. You felt so exposed and you just wanted to blend into the background.

Today you wore a new hoodie that Izuku had gotten you. It was probably one of the softest things you owned, and it was the prettiest shade of blue. The blue reminded you of a certain someone’s eyes… of the beautiful blue flames they were capable of creating… but then you’d shake the thought from your head and pull it closer around you.

You were enjoying your new freedom. Not that Dabi’s house had been a prison… but you hadn’t realized how much you missed doing things on your own. You had thought being alone would be hard, but you were thriving. It was never being alone that bothered you before, it had been his absence.

Against Katsuki’s wishes… Shoto had shown you the photos of what was left of Dabi’s car. And he hadn’t been exaggerating. You had almost passed out looking at how much blood soaked the driver seat and even the road around it.

You had been so lost lately. You didn’t know how you were supposed to feel. Your heart ached. You thought you had finally found your home. You had finally started to feel your pieces come back together. Now you felt like that would never happen. He took the last few pieces of your heart with him and you felt like you would never be whole again.

Dabi had been your comfort, your safety, your home. Now you were lost.

You hated that you felt this way. You should hate him. You should curse his fucking name. You shouldn’t be crying yourself to sleep over his death.

His death…

Was he dead? You weren’t convinced. It was too convenient, and there wasn’t a body. You wanted proof. Until then you’d go on believing he was still out there.

You closed the book you were reading. You had been on the same page for the past 10 minutes.

There was no way he wrecked his car like that. You had been in the car with him twice. Yes, he drove a little fast… but he wasn’t reckless. Either it was an elaborate cover up, or someone was after him. Or maybe… someone had been after you and he had gotten stuck in the middle as collateral damage.

“You look like you’re thinking too hard.”

Shoto came and took a seat next to you. “I’d ask what’s on your mind, but I’m pretty sure I already know.”

“Am I that obvious?” You leaned your head on his shoulder.

He leaned his head on top of yours. “It’s normal. I’d actually be surprised if you weren’t torn up over it.”

You let out a shaky breath. “I can’t stop worrying about him. I keep wondering where he is. If he’s okay. If there’s some grand explanation for his shitty behavior.” You shrugged. “I’m just finding it hard to grasp that the same man who held me during my panic attacks was also secretly planning to breed me… It just doesn’t add up.”

“Guilt does weird things to people.” Shoto’s hand found yours and gave it a squeeze. “I know he’s my brother, but I have no doubts about who knew him best. I only know a version of him. I only knew what he wanted me to.” He sighed, “It was obvious you meant a lot to him, and I could see him becoming more… I don’t know… human? For the first time in years he was showing emotions that weren’t rage. It would make sense if you were starting to make him question what side he was on.”

Your eyes narrowed, “So what? You think he did some shitty stuff and decided to help me… because he felt guilty about it? That doesn’t make any sense.” You pushed away from him to look him in the eyes. “Dabi only does what Dabi wants to do. That has been clear to me since day one. So what the fuck did he want out of this? None of it makes sense. Was I just a possession to him? Was I a bargaining chip? Was I just some broken pet that he got validation from nursing back to health? What?!”

You could feel your hysteria building and Bravo put his head in your lap in an attempt to calm you down. You took a few deep breaths. “He better fucking be alive… so I can kick his ass myself.”

Shoto chuckled, “Touya doesn’t stand a chance.”

His eyes looked distant and sad. You nudged his shoulder with your own, “Hey can I ask you something?”

He blinked away whatever far away memory he was thinking about, “I don’t see why not.”

“What was he like? Touya I mean… Before he became Dabi.”

Shoto’s lip turned up just slightly, “He was the best big brother I could have ever had. He was always there to help me when our dad was too rough with me. My dad tried to keep us separated… didn’t want me mingling with what he considered to be his biggest failure.” You flinched at the casual way he talked about the abuse they endured. “But Touya would sneak into my room at night. He taught me how to handle my burns and would bring me cold soba on bad days.” His eyes glassed over, “I was devasted when he died. Well… when I thought he died.”

“I blamed my dad, we all did. So, when he came out of hiding, it was like this enormous weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized I was carrying it around, but I had never truly gotten over his death.” He chuckled, “So I went looking for him. I didn’t care if he was Touya or Dabi, I just wanted him in my life again. I’d take what I could get. So, I settled for our don’t ask don’t tell relationship.”

You felt a tear that wasn’t yours hit your lap. Of course this would be hard on Shoto, he’s potentially lost his brother for the second time. “If it makes you feel any better… He admitted to me that he loved you.” You smirked, “Well actually he told me he used to hate you which contradicts your story quite a bit. But he said he always wondered if things would have been better for you if he stuck around.”

Shoto laughed, “Sounds like him. Trying to act like the tough guy who didn’t give a shit… Just like how he was with you. I can’t tell you how many times he called me when he was gone checking on you. Texting me every single time your vitals spiked. He would check the cameras and send me voice memos about how he was going to beat my ass if I didn’t keep my hands where he could see them while we were sparing. But then he would deny it when I asked what going on between the two of you.”

“Hey, come on, I have an idea.” You stood and walked over to the corner of the field behind a small tool shed. You picked up a massive rock and moved it so it was hidden from view. “Can you burn his name into it?”

Shoto eyes darkened, “You want to have a funeral? We don’t even know if he’s dead…”

You nodded, “You’re right we don’t… but I think it’ll make it easier. We can have a place to morn him in private. Weather we mourn his death… or the death of who he could have been.”

Shoto’s shoulder slumped and eventually he nodded. His hand heated up and with his finger he wrote on the rock, “R.I.P. TOUYA”

You both sat there for a while just staring at the rock. You felt too cold standing here in the shade of the tool shed. You gripped your hoodie closer to you and held back the tears that you desperately wanted to shed. You knew you shouldn’t, but you let yourself think of Touya. You thought about what he would have been like if he had gone to UA. If he had become a hero. If you had met him under better circumstances. Would the two of you still have ended up together? Without your mountains of combined trauma would you even be the same people?

“You ready? We should head out soon or we’ll be late for your appointment.”

You rubbed your eyes and sniffled, “Yeah… let’s get this over with.”

Bravo wasn’t allowed in the medical side of the bunker, so you made a quick detour to your room to drop him off. Shoto quietly following behind you. “So how are things with you and Bakugo?”

You groaned and rubbed your temples.

Shoto chuckled, “That good huh?”

“He’s been hovering over me like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces at the slightest inconvenience. I appreciate what he’s trying to do… but it’s just too much. I told him I needed space… and we had a fight. He hasn’t spoken to me in two days.”

Shoto whistled, “I never thought I’d see the day that the two of you had a real fight. Sure, you always bickered like an old married couple growing up. But on anything serious he always caved to your every wish.” He paused at your door, “Wait. So, are you the reason he’s been extra grumpy lately?”

You blushed, “I don’t know… Maybe?”

You gave Bravo an extra scratch behind his ear before closing the door. At that same moment you heard the door next door click shut. Your eyes snapped up to meet Katsuki’s. “Oh hey… I didn’t know you were back from the surface yet.”

“Got back early this morning… I was actually on my way to see you. You have a time to get an early lunch? I want to talk to you about something.”

You played with the ends of your hair, which was an immediate give away that you were nervous. “I actually have some plans with Shoto. But I’m free after that. Shouldn’t take too long though.”

His eyes narrowed at your nervous posture and you cursed how well he knew you. “Oh yeah? What are you guys up to? Maybe I’ll tag along.”

You began to stutter but thankfully Shoto interrupted, “Clingy isn’t a good look for you Bakugo. Like she said… it’s not going to take long. Just wait here and she’ll be back soon.”

You saw Katsuki bristle and decided to step in before he picked a fight with Shoto. You stepped over to him and put your hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I just dropped Bravo off. He’s had some pretty bad separation anxiety lately so why don’t you go to my apartment and hang out with him while I’m gone. Make some coffee, pick out a movie or something. I’ll be back soon, and we can talk then.”

His posture softened as he looked you up and down. It was obvious to him that you were nervous. But he was trying his hardest to give you the space you wanted. He pulled you to him as he sighed, trapping you in his arms. “Okay fine. I’ll babysit the mutt. Can you do me a favor and bring back some migraine medication from the medical ward. My heads killing me.”

You nodded stiffly, hoping it was just a coincidence he needed something from the medical ward. “Not a problem. I have the weighted blanket you gave me on the couch if you want to take a nap while I’m gone. You look like you could use one.”

He squeezed you tighter to him. “I’ll be fine.” He leaned his head on top of yours. “I’ll be better once we stop fighting about stupid shit though.” He pressed a quick kiss to the side of your head, “I’ll see you when you get back.” He released you and looked to Shoto, “Try to behave. The two of you hanging out makes me nervous.”

Shoto chuckled, “Good. You should be nervous. If you don’t figure your shit out soon, I’ll be taking your best friend spot… Kacchan.”

You snorted as you pulled Shoto away. “Are you trying to get your ass kicked? You know only Izuku gets away with calling him that! Well… and me when he’s in a good mood. But even that’s pushing it.”

“Oh, he’ll get over it. He needs a reality check. He thinks the world revolves around him.” He led you down the hall. “He can be such a pain sometimes. But I will admit he’s so much easier to be around now than when we were in high school.” He bumped your shoulder, “In a way it’s thanks to you. As sad as it is, when you went missing, he matured. It was like out of nowhere he realized there were more important things in the world then him and his hero status.”

Something about talking about Katsuki’s emotional vulnerability while walking to the clinic to check if you were pregnant with Dabi’s child made you feel slimy. “Can we talk about something else. Literally anything else. How are you and Izuku doing?”

“Good… we settled into our room. It’s a nice enough room… but it’s right next to my dad’s room. Apparently he’s thought all this time that we were just roommates.” He threw his hands up and scoffed, “Honestly! Did he think we were both professional heroes, making tons of money, but couldn’t afford to live on our own?”

You giggled, “That sounds awkward. These walls aren’t exactly thick.”

“Oh believe me I know. And I don’t care. Poor Izuku though can’t even look my dad in the eye now without blushing.”

You laughed so hard you had to wipe away a tear. “Aw poor Izuku… He’s too innocent for this world.”

Shoto scoffed, “Innocent my ass. That man is a freak in—”

You held up a hand. “Stop, stop, stop! I don’t want to know. He is a pure innocent little muffin who used to braid my hair before workouts.”

“I thought Bakugo was the one who braided your hair? I can’t imagine him being okay with Izuku being that close to you.”

You laughed. “Oh he wasn’t at first. But mostly because Izuku was better than him at something. Kats liked to braid my hair in private while we watched TV.” You shook your head at the memory, “He actually got to be really good at it eventually.”

Shoto had succeeded in distracting you long enough to make the trip to the medical ward, but now that you were here the anxiety was creeping back in.

You paused before crossing the threshold. You knew it was important to find out once and for all if you were pregnant. But you were also enjoying living in ignorance. The fact that you didn’t know meant that you could live your life as normal. If you were pregnant… it would flip your entire world upside down. You would have a life you would be responsible for, a little human that would constantly remind you of the love that almost broke you.

If you weren’t pregnant then… you didn’t know how you would feel. Would you be relieved? Would you mourn?

Your hand found your flat stomach and clenched your shirt. You took a few steps further into the ward and was hit an overwhelming sterile smell. Your breathing hitched and your knees shook. It was too clean. It was too white. It reminded you too much of the lab.

Shoto’s hand took yours and gave it a soft tug. “Hey. It’s fine. You don’t have to do all of this. I can go in and request a pregnancy test and we can go back and do this in your room. Would that make you feel better?”

You shook your head, “Katsuki’s there…”

Shoto’s shoulders sagged, “At this point I think he’d be more upset at you hiding this from him. I’m not telling you how to live your life. I think you’ve earned the right to do whatever the fuck you want. But if it were me… I’d want as big of a support system as I could get…”

You chewed on your bottom lip as you thought about it. Did you want Katsuki to know? How would he react? What if you were pregnant? Would he be disgusted with you? Would he want to help? Your head was spiraling down a rabbit hole of what it and it was starting to make you dizzy.

“Hey, breathe! Just take a deep breath. Let’s get you out of here before you have a panic attack. Wait outside for me. I’ll get everything we need.

You pushed the wave of anxious nausea down and gave a shaky nod. “Okay… But remember to get some migraine medication for Ka—”

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember. Go sit down outside and try and focus on your breathing I’ll be right back.”

You made your way outside and immediately sat down and leaned your forehead on your knees. You needed to get these invasive thoughts under control. You thought about what Dabi used to do. He would sit with you and try and distract you by talking about random shit. You knew he’d be pissed if he knew his younger brother left you all alone during one of your episodes. The thought of him yelling at Shoto was almost enough to make you chuckle.

You took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds and started listing animals that start with the letter A. When you couldn’t think of any more you breathed out. Then you repeated the process with the letter B, then C. You had made it F when Shoto made his way back to you.

“Okay, so they gave me some weird looks. Which makes sense considering I am a gay man asking for pregnancy tests. But they didn’t ask too many questions. I have two tests, a bottle of water, some Tylenol, and a phone number for a doctor… you know, for if it’s positive.”

You took his outstretched hand and stood up. “Okay… let’s get this over with.”

Every step towards your room felt heavier than the last. You just wanted to curl up under your blanket and pretend none of this was happening.

You hesitated at your door for a few moments before remembering you were a tough bitch and barreled through it full of false confidence.

You expected to see Katsuki lounging on the couch watching something on the tiny TV. Instead you found him passed out with Bravo curled up next to him. The sight of it calmed your nerves.

“Hey Shoto, can you get some coffee going? I’m going to wake him up.” You tiptoed over to him and sat on the edge of the couch. “Hey…” You shook his shoulder. “Kats? Wake up. I need to tell you something…”

Katsuki grumbled and his arm snaked around you, pulling you down to his level. “Shhh, m’head hurts.”

You giggled “Hey stop I’m being serious… I need you to get up.”

One of his eyes cracked open. “What’s up you sound like you’ve been crying.”

You sighed, “I haven’t been crying, but I am… stressed…” He sat up and moved so you were sitting facing each other. He nodded urging you to go on. “So… The reason Dabi uh… locked me in his office was so he could go to the store to uh… buy a…. pregnancy test.”

Your eyes stared at your hands and you heard him suck in a breath. “Are you? …Pregnant I mean.”

You shrugged, “I don’t know… we got some tests from the medical ward today and I’m about to take them. I’m just… a little scared.”

A medicine bottle whistled through the air and smacked Katsuki in the face. “We got you your medicine too. You’re welcome.” Shoto was smirking over by the coffee maker.

Katsuki groaned as he stood up. “One of these days I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, IcyHot Bastard.”

He stretched and held a hand out to you. “Alright, come on. Let’s go piss on a stick.”

You felt a weight starting to lift from your shoulders. “Wait. So you’re not mad?”

He narrowed his eyes at you, “Why would I be mad? I knew what the two of you were doing. It’s not like you cheated on me. As much as I wish we were, we aren’t together.” His thumb came up to brush a tear away that you didn’t even know had fallen. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily Y/N. You being pregnant wouldn’t change how I feel about you. I would even be willing to tell people it’s mine if it makes it easier for you. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

It was quite for a few moments, while you absorbed and processed this new development. He was surprisingly calm about all of this, and it was making it easier for you as well.

“God you’re whipped.” Shoto handed the pregnancy test to you but was smart enough to remain behind you so Katsuki couldn’t hit him.

You left the boys to bicker as you entered your tiny bathroom alone. You peed on both of the sticks and set a timer on Katsuki’s phone. The next three minutes were the longest three minutes of your life.

You paced as you tried to think of anything else. But your thoughts kept going back to that night when Dabi held you in his recliner after fucking you. He had asked about you having a baby. He had sounded so hopeful. His eyes so bright at the idea of you having a kid with him. Part of you couldn’t believe that was an act. He had seemed so sincere. You thought about how he would react if he knew you were taking a test right now.

The timer went off.

Shit.

Was your whole life about to change?

With shaky hands you picked up the first test. You held your breath as you looked to the second one to confirm it.

You opened the door with tears in your eyes.

“So, what’s it say? Am I going to be an uncle?”

You let out an audible sob. “I don’t know why I’m so upset right now.” You showed them the tests. “They’re both negative.”

Katsuki wrapped you in a hug and ran his fingers up and down your back. “It’s okay to be sad. Shoto made some coffee, I don’t have plans today. We can hang out here until you feel better.”

You cried into Katsuki’s chest as you watched some cheesy movie. He didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t even know what to say if he thought it would help.

You were grieving a child you never had, and a love that was nothing but lies. You needed to let it out. You needed to grieve so you could move on. And this is how you do that.

By the time the credits rolled your eyes were dry and you nose stuffy. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something earlier…?”

Katsuki stiffened, “Yeah, but I think it can wait. You’ve already had a rough day.”

You shook your head, “No… I want to know. I’m just going to worry about it until you tell me. I’d rather you just rip the Band-Aid off.”

He nodded, “We got word that Dabi may have been seen by your old place. We aren’t sure it was him though. Toga had been previously spotted as well, so it’s more likely that it was her. But either way, it looks like the LOV is sniffing around.”

“W—What makes you think it was Toga?”

He cleared his throat, “We have an informant working in the LOV and he told us the last thing he heard about Dabi was that Shigaraki had sent a team to collect him… but when they came back they were bloody and he wasn’t with them.”

You sighed, “Of course he wasn’t.”

*************

*The Laws* 1. No fucking shrugging 2. No drugs 3. No saying sorry for something that isn’t your fault 4.We work on communication every day 5. Wake up whenever the hell you want 6. No locked doors 7. We eat three full meals a day 8. No means no, no negotiations 9. We work on exercise every day 10. Ice cream must be kept in stock at all times 11. Accept help when it is offered 12. No lying 13. I will not initiate the sexy time without written or verbal consent.

************

Tags: tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime @klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs @music-is-all-i-need @katsuki-bakubabe@unadulteratedtastemakerpoetry@dabislittlemouse@aimee1602@pinkhatlizzy @kunaigirlx44 @nii-sanfucker@bestgirlb @silver-stardrop@bakubby99 @squichymochi @sarahschance @babayaga67@starenemy

[hotchley]

the waiting game

Lol, my laptop is at 2%. Look, I’ll be back in an hour to do my masterlist, I just really, really need to get this done because it should’ve been done many months ago.

It’s fine. Umm... yeah, nothing else to say :)

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, references to child abuse, death threats from a parent, bombings

read on ao3!

Jason Gideon always told new recruits that certain things about their jobs got easier with time and experience. He told them their hands would remain steady when they fired a gun and that the noise would not always make them flinch. He told them they would get used to late-night calls and sleepless nights. that they wouldn’t always find it so difficult when the people they loved walked away, unable to handle not knowing what was going to happen.

A lot of things about their job got easier.

The waiting game only got harder.

Because you learnt things

Gideon had been on the team longer than the other members put together. he knew what happened when each of his members ended up in the hospital. He’d made a point of taking Reid each time, just so he could be sure his order of events was correct.

Adrian Bale meant he’d had six less agents to remember.

That was supposed to have been the last time Aaron Hotchner ended up in the hospital, unconscious and barely breathing. Gideon had vowed to himself that no matter how difficult it was, Hotch would make it home to Haley and Jack every night.

But he’d failed.

Aaron hadn’t wanted Elle going home. he’d taken her to the same hotel Haley was in. Elle had felt a little uncomfortable being in the adjoining room, but her discomfort quickly faded. Haley seemed used to looking after Aaron’s second family and Jack was still willing to be held by strangers.

He’d swung by her place to make sure it was safe.

It hadn’t been, but he was the best shot in the BAU. No, not just the BAU, the entire Quantico building. He was so good that when he demanded that they passed Reid with flying colours, nobody questioned him.

There had been- in his words- a small scuffle but he was fine.

Everyone was too exhausted to argue or even notice. But Gideon knew he should’ve said something. He’d known Aaron Hotchner since he had been dragged in by David Rossi, somehow bright-eyed and cynical at the same time.

He should’ve known Aaron was more hurt than he was willing to let on. He always was. and he should have realised before he sent him into another building that contained an innocent civilian and somebody that they couldn’t really profile. Somebody that they couldn’t plan the endgame of.

It felt like Adrian Bale all over again.

Only everyone had known Aaron was going to survive the moment he pulled the oxygen mask off his face, demanded to know who was representing Bale in his trial before passing out again.

Now... none of that could be confirmed.

He hadn’t been able to stay conscious enough to ask for Haley.

“Tell me what happened,” he asked again. Morgan and Reid had refused the other six times he’d asked them. Six hours Hotch had been in the hospital. He still wasn’t awake.

“Gideon this isn’t going to help anyone, least of all you,” Morgan sighed.

“Tell me,” he demanded.

“He was carrying Rebecca out of the building because it was on fire. Then he suddenly dropped her on the grass and keeled over, one hand pressed to his side. Morgan grabbed Rebecca, got her out. I tried to help Hotch, but he told me to run. And I did. And then the building exploded and-”

And that was when he’d got the phone call from Reid. Morgan had phoned the ambulance the moment Hotch fell. Reid had phoned Gideon, barely able to string two sentences together. It was as though his eidetic memory and IQ had just been taken from him.

Reid looked away, unable to say another word. His cheeks were stained with tears, his foot-tapping the only comfort he was able to provide himself.

“He wouldn’t have got hurt if I’d gone home,” Elle whispered.

“You can’t blame yourself,” JJ murmured, but she sounded distant. Like she was trying to stay in liaison mode but couldn’t. She hadn’t even been with the BAU for a year the last time Hotch had ended up in the hospital. She’d been terrified then. Now she just looked tired.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” Gideon added, wishing he could see what was going on. But the door to the room Hotch was in had been closed, the curtains pulled around. “If you’d gone home, in the state you were in, you wouldn’t have won. It’d be you in there, and Hotch would be pacing outside blaming himself.” Besides, he thought to himself. The only person that should be blaming themselves was him. He was supposed to have Hotch’s back. He was the one that was supposed to be able to read all his tells without even having to try and profile him.

Hotch was still in surgery. In all the cases that had ended with Hotch landing himself in the hospital, the surgeries had been minor. When Adrian Bale had struck, he’d spent four hours in surgery. In Gideon’s opinion, the injuries sustained from that had been more serious.

Hotch had been in surgery for six and a half hours. That didn’t fit the pattern. It didn’t fit the pattern and Gideon knew this time that it wasn’t a good thing.

 “You shouldn’t blame yourself either,” a soft voice said from behind them.

“Haley,” he whispered.

Haley gave them all a hesitant smile. It was clear she’d been sobbing and was only being held together by the thinnest thread. “How are you all holding up?”

The laugh Garcia let out was slightly hysterical. “Mrs Hotchner, we’re not important. You are. So is your husband. How are you doing?”

The corners of her mouth turned downwards. “I don’t feel like it’s hit me yet. I’ve known for a very long time there’s a chance he won’t come down and I’ve always prepared for that, but it just doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting him to walk out that door with his arm in a sling and a goofy smile because of the pain medication.”

“We’ll be here when it does hit. And we’ll help in any way we can,” JJ promised.

Haley nodded, shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I know. Aaron always said that he wasn’t afraid of dying. Not when he knew his team would be there to tell Jack stories and stop me from resenting the only piece of him that I would have left.”

“Where is the little one?” Morgan asked, both to lighten the mood and to change the subject. They’d never realized how much Hotch loved them all. How much he trusted them.

“With my sister. We didn’t- after Boston- oh my god, it’s just like Boston isn’t it? He’s going to, he won’t- I-” she whimpered, the dam finally breaking.

It was Garcia that reacted first. It was a stark contrast, Penelope’s brightness against the subdued pastels of Haley’s pajamas- and Gideon wanted to be sick, she must have been ready to go to sleep when she got the phone call- but it was needed.

When Garcia pulled away, not quite letting go, Haley wiped her eyes.

“I’m sorry. It’s just, after Boston, we agreed that Jack- we hadn’t picked his name then, god it feels like yesterday, that we wouldn’t let him see us in the hospital. We wanted to let him believe his parents were invincible for as long as possible.”

Gideon knew that promise. he also knew that Hotch had promised to step down once Gideon returned. He had been selfish when he’d asked him not to.

“He’ll make it out,” Elle said.

She hadn’t witnessed Adrian Bale’s attack on Gideon. That’s how she was able to stay so positive. But everyone else had. They’d watched as twenty-two civilians had been taken hostage, as Hotch had gone into the building to try and negotiate with him, despite Gideon explicitly forbidding him to do so because Haley was waiting at home for him.

That was the one and only time Hotch’s anger had been directed at a member of the team. His eyes had darkened, his voice pitched lower than they’d ever heard it. He’d looked Gideon in the eye, no longer the scared recruit, and told him to go fuck himself.

He’d walked into the building. Without a vest. The only weapon being the gun in the holster that was attached to his belt. One of the hostages had been forced to take it from him. Aaron had given them the same encouraging smile he gave to all the victims they saved, to all the distraught family members that were scared of being the cause of their loved one’s end. 

Adrian Bale had taken one look at him and laughed. That had thrown Hotch off. He had thought that seeing the lead profiler of the elite BAU team would make him sweat and give him what he wanted. He said as much.

Adrian Bale said that when he looked at Aaron Hotchner, he didn’t see the lead profiler or bad cop. He didn’t see the head of the Seattle field office or one of the best shots SWAT had ever seen. He didn’t even see the hotshot prosecutor he’d began as.

Aaron asked him what he did see.

Bale’s response haunted everyone. He said he saw a boy too afraid of his own feelings to ever truly love anyone. He said the only reason Hotch had walked in was because he was too much of a coward to leave his pregnant wife but if he died in the line of duty, well that was different. He said Aaron loved Jason Gideon and all he wanted was his approval.

The camera was grainy, but the tremble in Aaron’s hands was unmistakable.

Morgan had tried to run in. It was Gideon’s arm that had stopped in. It was Gideon that had said they needed to wait to get Hotch out. It was Gideon that had misread Aaron’s body language and sent six of his best agents in.

They didn’t need eidetic memories to have the look of complete fear on Gideon’s face when Hotch was blown away branded in their brain forever. Or the scream he’d released when they finally uncovered the body, the rise and fall of his chest barely noticeable. Or to remember how Haley had arrived two days later because of problems with flight bookings, face devoid of any colour, the swell of her stomach a stark reminder of everything that would be lost if Hotch didn’t pull through.

Elle Greenaway only knew SSA Hotchner: the man that stared down unsubs, barked orders at everyone, carried a back-up weapon because he was just that good and never smiled. She didn’t know him as Aaron, the man that hated hospitals so much that every time he regained consciousness, the doctors had been forced to sedate him for his own benefit. Or that the only person that had been able to touch him was Haley, his mouth trying to form her name but never making it past the first syllable, despite all his years of spinning stories to a jury.

Or that the only reason Hotch carried a back-up was because very few people would notice it was there. John Blackwolf had thrown him off, made him doubt again. Gideon had found it difficult to convince him everything was fine, so he didn’t. He just dropped him home to Haley and watched from his car as Hotch became Aaron, falling apart in Haley’s arms.

“I know,” Haley whispered, pulling Gideon from his memories. 

“Would you like anything to drink? I can go and grab you a coffee if you want,” he said, needing to do something other than watch his team fall to pieces. Aaron was the one that sat and reminded them they were human, that it wasn’t their fault. It was the reason they would call him mom. Gideon was just there.

Haley shook her head. “I want you to be here. In case you’re needed.”

Because of course he would be. Haley Hotchner was Aaron’s wife, so she was automatically listed as his medical proxy. But Aaron never wanted her to be burdened by his job any more than she already was. Which meant if something happened in the field. the doctors were to automatically defer to Gideon. Haley was consulted if it was something non-case related.

“Of course,” he said, as though it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Excuse me? Are you all here for Aaron Hotchner?”

“Yes,” Haley said, the first to find their voice as the profilers tried to work out whether the news they were about to be given was good or bad.

“He’s out of surgery, there were no complications there and we’ve got him through the worst of it. But he’s still not woken up, and his breathing is shallow, hence the reason we haven’t taken him off the ventilator yet. So as much as we want to hope for the best, I want you to understand there is a chance he may not make it. His body has been put through a lot in the past year.”

Gideon did not want to think about every injury Hotch had been forced to suffer through since returning. The collar of his shirts had never quite hidden the bruised skin where Perotta had touched him.

“Can we see him?” Haley asked. She looked so young. So vulnerable. Gideon swallowed. She’d never been forced to hide her emotions the same way Hotch had. She’d never been afraid of being profiled. He doubted she ever had been, Hotch was too honourable.

“My colleagues are still treating him. I think it’d be better if we waited until he woke up. You should all get some rest, you look exhausted.”

Haley shook her head. “I’d like to be here.”

“Of course,” the doctor said, turning on their heel and walking away again.

“I’m just going to phone Jessica and ask her to keep Jack for a little longer,” she said, voice trembling.

Everyone nodded and chose not to comment when Haley vanished for ten minutes, returning with red-rimmed eyes.

“He trusted me to save his life when I hadn’t even passed my gun qualification,” Reid said suddenly.

“I know. He told me about that. He said he knew you could do it, that it would just take a bit of a patience and maybe an extremely stressful situation. Apparently, you do your best work under intense terror. Not that he wanted the two of you to end up hostages He also blamed himself when you didn’t pass. Thought he’d scared you so much when you were practicing that you got in your head and just forgot everything, even though that’s impossible,” Haley responded.

Reid’s head jerked up in response. “He actually said that to you?”

Haley nodded. “He tells me about all of you. He sees Sean- you met him didn’t you, yes you did- in you. You’re both young. Got the whole world to explore and yet you chose to do the one thing nobody expected.”

“I bet he always has bad stories about me,” Morgan teased. 

“He trusts you. More than you think he does. And he wants you to trust him as well. He doesn’t listen when I say you do; you just show it in a different way. All you profilers show things in a different way. That’s what I’ve learnt. That there are some things you will never see the same way.”

“What does he say about me?” Elle asked, genuinely curious. She’d only met Haley in passing; the day they bought Jack in. And the time they’d spent in the hotel could hardly count.

“A lot. He’s scared this job is going to take your sense of humour away. He thinks that you’re going to wake up one day and hate him for letting this job consume your life. He worries about all of you though.”

“He worries about all of us?” that was JJ. 

“Of course. He thinks that he’s taking your chances at happiness away from you by calling you in at ungodly hours, disrupting your vacations, making you look at what happens to happy couples and innocent children- I really shouldn’t say anymore I just always assumed you knew.”

“We don’t profile team members,” Elle said, slightly defensive.

“I didn’t think you did. I just assumed he spoke to you,” Haley said, but there was no accusation in her tone. Just the smallest amount of surprise and confusion.

The members of the team started staring awkwardly in various directions, suddenly aware of how little Hotch actually shared with them. Only Morgan had even known Sean existed, and that was only because he’d knocked on the office door that one time.

Loud shouts from the room Hotch was in drew their attention. Everyone immediately stood, Haley and Jason moving forward so they would be the first person the doctor spoke to. They were too far away to determine the specifics of the conversation, but from the volume and range of voices they could hear told him it was a group of doctors and nurses.

The shouting stopped soon after though, and Gideon immediately knew that the silence could only mean that Hotch had been sedated. A part of him was glad the other man had woken up, but he was mostly wondering it that was the last time it would happen.

A few minutes passed. Garcia was humming to herself. Morgan was sat, staring at the wall, eyes glazed over as he ran through every moment that led up to the explosion. JJ was biting her nails. Gideon wanted to tell her to stop but he couldn’t. That was what Hotch did. Haley tugged her hand away and grasped it. Elle placed her hand on Reid’s knee. He stopped tapping his foot, looking up at her with the same confused look he wore when someone referenced pop culture. Elle smiled slightly. Gideon stood to the side. He didn’t deserve them.

The same doctor as before exited the room.

“He keeps asking after his father,” she said. 

Haley immediately jumped out of her chair and went over before Gideon could get a single word out. Hotch had never mentioned his father after ending up in the hospital. Sometimes he asked if Sean was safe. Most of the time he asked for Haley. Never once had he mentioned his parents. Jason did not know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but despite every part of him wanting to hope, he knew he was aware of the answer and that he was just too cowardly to admit it

“You have to let me in there,” she said.

“Mrs Hotchner with all due respect-”

“No. I know my husband’s medical history. You can’t keep sedating him, not when he needs to be conscious to answer your questions and not when there are only so many drugs his body can handle. But he isn’t asking after his father because he loves him. He’s asking where he is because he thinks he needs to work out how much more time he’s got before he needs to start pretending again. Let me in there, and he’ll cooperate.”

The doctor seemed to understand that there was no way they’d be able to win that particular battle. They sighed, then extended one arm to the door. Haley ran into the room, everyone else congregating outside.

“The painkillers will wear off in a few minutes,” the doctor told them all.

Haley nodded, immediately going to kneel beside Hotch’s bed, gently taking one hand and holding it tight, He was paler than anyone had ever seen him. His stomach was a mess of bruises and burns, some recent, others marks from a childhood that never should have happened.

Gideon watched, tears forming in his eyes. Hotch looked younger with his eyes closed. The pressures of the year seemed to fade, only to be made even clearer by the damage not covered by the hospital gown.

“Why isn’t he waking up?” Reid asked, five minutes later. His voice was shaky.

Haley’s grip tightened minutely. “Baby?” she whispered.

Aaron didn’t move. His heartrate remained steady, the beeping of the monitor the only sound that filled the room.

The doctors and nurses were preparing to do the rest of what they needed to do. Gideon felt his own heart slowing down. Aaron’s heart was beating but his eyes weren’t opening and the rise and fall of his chest was a shallow as when they’d first found him after Bale and none of this fit the pattern-

“I didn’t mean it, I swear, none of this was supposed to happen-” Aaron murmured, head rolling to the side.

Haley gasped and let go of his hand, just for a moment, before she realised what she’d done and grasped it again. “Aaron?”

Aaron’s eyes fluttered open.  He struggled to keep them like that. “Where am I?” he whispered, southern accent coming out slightly.

That fit the pattern of his recovery.

“Mr Hotchner, you’re in Lockhart Hospital. Can you tell me your birth name and date of birth?” a nurse asked, voice firm but gentle.

“Hospital? No, I can’t be in the hospital, he’ll find me. He said he’ll kill mama and make me watch but I swear I didn’t come here myself, where is he, I can’t let him hurt them, I can’t-”

One of the members of staff prepared an injection.

“Don’t,” Haley warned, shifting closer to him.

“Mrs Hotchner-”

“Just a moment. I promise. Hey sunshine. It’s me. It’s Haley. You’re safe, I promise. He can’t hurt you. He’s dead now. He’s not here, and nobody is going to hurt you. Everybody just wants you to get better. Your team are here. You remember them right? Agent Gideon, Doctor Reid. Garcia and Morgan and JJ and Elle? Yes, you remember them. Well they’re all waiting for you to recover because they love you. I love you too. And nobody is going to hurt you. Do you understand?”

“Haley?” Aaron whispered.

Haley nodded. “I’m right here sunshine. And I’ll be right here when you’re ready to recover. So take a deep breath with me, that’s so good, I’m so proud of you sunshine, just keep doing that. Are you going to close your eyes? Okay. Just please wake- when you wake up, remember that you’re safe. Can you do that for me?”

“Safe,” Aaron repeated as his eyes closed, unable to take the pain he must’ve still been in.

Haley didn’t let go of her husband. 

One of the nurses tapped her shoulder then quietly asked if she’d be okay waiting outside as they prepared the room for the next time he woke up, as they were no longer keeping him sedated and he seemed to be breathing himself, which meant they could move on.

Haley nodded and let go of Hotch’s hand. When she faced the team, Garcia immediately embraced her, and she started crying again.

“Let’s go back to the waiting room,” Gideon said, unable to handle the sight any longer. Garcia didn’t let go of Haley, choosing instead to wrap her arm around her as they left. 

“When Aaron was seventeen, his dad broke his arm and then refused to let him go to the hospital. He passed out in the middle of a lesson the next day and the school were forced to call an ambulance. He didn’t become coherent till they got there, and he wouldn’t stop screaming. I’d snuck in and was the only person he wouldn’t flinch away from,” she said once they’d all sat down.

Elle’s jaw dropped. Garcia started crying herself. Morgan looked away. JJ and Reid grabbed each other’s hands. They’d all assumed something had gone on in Hotch’s childhood- he never spoke about his family, he was always rougher with unsubs that they profiled as being abusive fathers- but there was a difference between making the inference and hearing it from the person that knew him best.

“He’s lucky to have you,” Jason commented.

“Allowing him to feel his emotions and letting him know that he’s safe is doing the bare minimum,” Haley said.

He didn’t have a comeback to that.

Thirty minutes passed before the doctor came back. It was good news. The profilers could tell. 

“He’s awake and stable enough to receive visitors now,” they said.

Everyone jumped out.

“Go on,” Gideon said to Haley, who dashed into the room and hugged her husband.

He made a small sound of discomfort, but still tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. “Hi Haley,” he whispered.

She laughed, sitting on the bed beside him. “You’re okay.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

The rest of the team filed into the room. Reid looked ready to cry again.

“Spencer, you cannot blame yourself. I told you to run because I wanted you to, and if you hadn’t, I’d be furious at you for always trying to be the hero. Elle, the same goes for you. I took you to the hotel. Nobody asked me to go to your house, so stop looking at me like I’m about to break. I’ll be fine,” he said. 

Hospital painkillers had always made him lose his filter.

Garcia started laughing. “I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but sir your accent is coming through and it’s so hard to take you seriously when you’re laid up in bed with your hair all mussed and your accent but you’re still trying to tell them off and, it’s just, it’s confirmation you’re going to be fine.”

Hotch gave her a grin. Haley ran her hand through his hair, messing it up further.

“Thanks Hotch,” Reid said. He rocked on the balls of his feet for a few moments before muttering something that sounded suspiciously like fuck it and he too went and hugged Hotch. Haley shifted slightly. Hotch raised his arms to wrap around Reid’s back.

“Everything will be fine,” he whispered. “I promise.”

Reid pulled back with tears in his eyes but a smile on his face.

“No more close calls like that. You hear me?” Morgan chastised, patting Hotch’s shoulder.

Hotch rolled his eyes. “You aren’t the boss of me Morgan. I’m the boss of you.”

“Aaron,” Haley said.

He blushed, making everyone laugh. “Fine.”

The women of the team came over. Elle gave him a quick one-armed hug, whispering in Spanish so the rest of the team didn’t understand. Hotch wiped his eyes when she went to stand by the others. JJ hugged him gently, saying that he didn’t get to terrify them like that because he was mom and they needed him. Garcia’s heels made a comically loud sound as she walked over to him. 

“You are the most self-destructive unit chief I know. But you’re also the most handsome, loving, sweet one as well. And I know you won’t stop putting your life on the line for our baby genius and chocolate thunder so let’s compromise: you can do dumb and reckless things but you’re not allowed to complain when we pamper you afterwards, okay?”

Hotch blinked a few times. “Sure Garcia.”

Garcia hugged him again, pressing a kiss to his forehead that left a pink mark behind. Haley laughed, which led to the analyst immediately shuffling over to the rest of their rag-tag family.

Gideon watched from the doorway as the rest of his team and Haley sat with Hotch, laughing and joking. He couldn’t bring himself to walk in there and comfort Hotch. Not when it had all been his fault. The team had saved an innocent girl. Hotch had pulled through again. There was a high that came with that, and he wasn’t about to ruin it for any of them.

But what happened when the high ran out?

 Elle would realise her leader wasn’t the stoic man she once thought he was. Spencer and Derek would be forced to help Hotch pour his coffee and climb the stairs to his office because he couldn’t do it alone but he didn’t want to ask. Garcia would go home to an empty apartment, wondering which one of her family she’d almost lose next. JJ would have to deal with the media fallout of the case.

Haley would hold her husband, wondering how much more he would be able to give to his job before he broke. Before it broke them. Aaron would have more scars that he’d never be able to recover from.

Gideon would be forced to watch as they all returned to work, scared fractured but incapable of walking away. David Rossi had always said there would be people waiting in the wings to take over, but Gideon didn’t agree. Only the people that had seen the depths of depravity were willing to put themselves through the horrors of profiling.

Aaron looked up and met Gideon’s eyes. He looked terrified.

Gideon smiled. He had to.

But he knew. 

He knew Elle would break. He could see she was already struggling with the guilt. He knew that one day, probably soon, he wouldn’t be able to look at his team without seeing their scars or the people he’d failed.

He knew Haley wouldn’t be able to handle her husband’s job forever.

Jason Gideon knew that each member of his team would fall in their own way. He did not know whether or not they would be able to get up. He did know, however, that it would be another round of the waiting game.

And it would only get harder. 

[crowleyellestair]

Love your work! Would you mind doing the wolves (maybe sans geralt bc you’ve already done him) taking care of a reader with a migraine?

AN/// Sorry for the delay. Work and life have been crushing, but here it is!!! I really hope you like it :) Again, very sorry for the wait. I hope you’re not undergoing a migraine while reading. Much love <3

 //L//

There wasn’t much that bugged Y/n. She was strong willed and had a high tolerance for anything, thus being able to endure the force that is Lambert. She often laughed when people claimed Jaskier to be the most outspoken and dramatic, knowing the youngest witcher held that crown. Fights happened between the two and often, but they both never had any true venom behind their words. While Y/n was like most, and gave Lambert a firm hand, the grip she had was gentle, knowing that behind that angry exterior was a man who simply sought happiness and the simpler things in life. She didn’t pull any punches when joking or handling the man, but endearments and affection were also paid to him in full, if not more so.

Migraines were commonplace for Y/n, though she had medication to subdue them quickly and with ease. In Oxenfurt, she had befriended a medical student, the two of them experimenting with things to help Y/n’s headaches. It seemed dangerous, and some things they had tried could be considered that, but in the end, they found the perfect mix. Though, her medical friend stayed near Novigrad, and Y/n was currently galivanting with Lambert in the south.

It started with the pressure behind her nose, building and spreading to her cheeks and behind her eyes. She swore to whatever force it was that felt like it was trying to push the eyes out of her sockets. The heels of her hands had pressed against them, but even her eyebrows were sensitive, the hairs irritating as they moved, follicles tiny pinpricks. It spread to her temples and her skin felt tight by her ears. Ringing was heard at every noise around her. Her body felt sore as she sat up in the bedroll pile, they often created by pushing the two traveler’s beds together with the effect of a larger one to snuggle. Lambert wouldn’t admit it or bring it up, but if their cuddling was ever mentioned or joked about, the man would brag about his spooning and comfort skills.

Her hips popped as she brought her knees to her chest, and the ache rippled throughout the rest of her body. Her eyes were squinting as they gazed over the view. It was hot the previous night, so the two found a cave somewhat higher in the mountain rage they were crossing, and the view was gorgeous. She could see a crystal-clear stream running through sparse trees that grew throughout the valley below. Y/n noticed Lambert was gone, and she sighed her thanks to anyone listening to her thoughts, slowly leaning over to blindly sift through her bags, looking for water. A loud noise just outside of the cave’s mouth made her cringe and ball herself up for a moment. Ringing followed, as well as drums pounding behind her eyes and through her temples. A softer sound was heard a second later, followed by a familiar, proud, booming voice.

“Even in the steepest fucking mountain side we could have camped in, we have warm breakfast! Bon appe… you know.” Lambert’s rare forgetfulness would have been funny if his voice didn’t bounce off the walls, dropping on her eardrums like raining arrows. There was a silence that followed his statement, his hands on his hips, waiting for the retort. He squinted when he didn’t receive it, knowing full well she was awake, but went to pull the small doe into the cave. The behavior of his beloved companion set alarms off, and he was immediately on edge, though he didn’t outwardly show it. This was new territory, and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want whatever conflict he was about to face. Out of desperation, he resorted to a Vesemir impression to try and lighten the tone.

“The early bird cannot fetch the worm if it has no desire to fly. While we cannot fly, we can find other means to get the worm that other birds can’t.” At some point, a hand found his hip and a finger started to wag.  His brows furrowed and he leaned over her form. His voice was normal, the edge somewhat showing. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I wish it would stop-.”

“Lambert!” She shrunk away from her own voice that echoed back to her in full force. The harshness grating on her, not wanting him to feel the anger as well. Because she was angry. Y/n didn’t know why she had to suffer through these spells of headaches, wishing life would let up a bit on its berating habits. Lambert had flinched away from her, standing once more. His cat eyes were wide, and he took a step back. The true growl that came to her while she yelled his name was something he never wished to hear from her, having heard it from so many that hurt him before.

Tears started to drop, and Y/n scrunched her eyes close as tightly as possible, trying to block out the light, but also trying to turn to the man.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I can’t… It…” Her voice was a whisper, and despite his pounding heart, he dropped to a knee in front of her. He felt like a helpless child, wanting to get back into his mother’s good graces again, but it was so much more than that. He loved Y/n with all his being, and this was something he couldn’t handle. Her anger towards him is one thing, but true distain even slightly pointed in his direction was another. Lambert would do anything to right this, despite the unfamiliar fear that gripped him. His mind shrunk into itself, ready to lash out in defense despite months of being with her and being open.

“’It’ what? What’s happening?” He matched her whisper, outstretching a hand. It never landed against her skin, despite wanting to wipe the tears away and going to what their lives were before this.

“Migraine. It’s too loud. Bright. I need a minute.” The instant relief that flooded through him almost got out of hand. He didn’t know what he expected her to say, but knowing it wasn’t life changing was a relief. He nodded, now determined and grateful for the luck that has fallen upon him. Lambert stood quickly, marching out of the cave and climbing faster than when he entered. Y/n swore to herself, angry and in pain. She didn’t mean to yell or have her anger that was pointed at her body to be pointed towards her witcher, it simply happened. More tears fell as she curled back up, rubbing her temples in vain.

Lambert landed at the mouth of the cave once more, quietly walking to his lover. He placed the daisy like flowers in her lap, Y/n having shifted into a sitting position minutes ago. Her eye peeped open in question and felt even worse about yelling.

“Lambert-.”

“Shh, I have this.” His soft, coaxing tone cut off her apologies as he found a bowl in their bags to grind the plant’s leaves. After it was successfully made into a past, he opened their food pack for the bread they had, spreading it, and smiling to the loaf. He insisted they get the onion clove loaf, as he had taste despite being a witcher. It was the same price as a plane loaf, what did she expect? He knew the deliciousness of the bread wouldn’t even out the bitterness of the plant, but it would help. Lambert plopped himself in front of her, staring intently as he held out the loaf. Y/n took it, eating it quickly and trying to steel herself from expressing the gross taste. Cat eyes bore into her frame, waiting and hoping. His hands perched on his knees, teeth worrying slightly into his bottom lip. It seemed at this point, Lambert would eradicate her migraine simply through pure will, his stare taking even Y/n aback. She stared back, never backing down from his gaze until Lambert smiled. Her brow rose in question, and his voice was full once more. “See, I told you I had it.”

Y/n took inventory of her body after not flinching away from the tone. The pain had receded, and only aches were left. It wasn’t fully gone, but the plant along with Lambert’s distracting visage had worked wonders. She smiled to him, but it dropped quickly.

“Lamb, I’m sorry.” He shook his head, smirking.

“There’s no need to be.” Despite the storm passing, he was truly scared earlier. Y/n meant too much to him to have anything go wrong. Lambert knew, however, that even if she had meant to yell at him, he would endure it. He would do anything to make it better, despite what happened to him. Y/n was worth everything and more than he had to give. He made it a habit to pick Feverfew, the plant he used, as much as possible. He always carried the paste in a vile next to his potions in the ‘chest of important things’ as he liked to call it from then on.

 //E//

 “Oh, sweet Melitele.” Y/n groaned as she rolled over. She found herself alone under the covers, completely pulling the sheets over her head. The only light in the room came from the candles at the desk in the corner. Eskel had the habit of waking up after a couple of hours, the time used to check the camp perimeter or inn’s hiding spots. In Kaer Morhen, the habit didn’t change, though he simply reads. His attention was brought to the bed at the sound of a pain groan and exclamation.

“Y/n?” His voice came out as a whisper, only having an idea of what was happening. She had only been sleeping lightly for as long as he left the bed, so it could have easily been frustration due to exhaustion. His suspicions where confirmed however when the only response was a breathless grunt and the furs tightening around her form. He closed the book, walking over the bowl of water they kept near the window as Y/n often woke up thirsty in the night despite his constant reminders to stay hydrated. His feet lazily shuffled to grab a small cloth, folding it and submerging it into the cold water. Eskel blew out the candles, and made his way back to the bed. The brunette sat, Y/n slowly popping her head out from under the covers and into his lap. The towel was placed on her forehead, the cold water taking her mind to the shocking feel. His large fingers gently rubbed against her temples, the pressure trying to ease the ache.

Eskel’s lover quickly lost herself, only being tied down to the earth by the legs her head rested on and the fingers at her temples. The darkness and silence, along with the cold towel brought her mind away from the pain. After a handful of moments, Eskel started to whisper, reciting Y/n’s favorite novel. Her mind had another thing to focus on, and after a long while, the pain was gone.

“Thank you. Sorry I interrupted reading time.” Eskel gave a soft smile, leaning down and placing a kiss on the damp skin after lifting the towel.

“I love you,” he spoke softly. He said it as though it was the obvious reason why he did anything, especially helping out with her migraine. She smiled back softly, knowing he could see it.

“Not as much as I love you, cutie.” He scoffed quietly at the name, rolling his eyes. It had taken years for him to finally believe her when she called him that. It used to bring pain and make his chest hurt, but now it made him feel light. It made him proud somehow. The witcher was elated to have her as his other half, all the trust he had to give lying within her frame. They had gone through a lot together, their bond becoming unbreakable. Eskel could help her migraines in his sleep and her large heart could warm him from miles away.

He tossed the towel to the dirty pile of clothes in the corner of the room as she slowly started to shift. Eskel laid back as she turned to wrap herself around him. Her arms wound under his arms, hands resting under his shoulder blades. Her legs intertwined with his and her cheek nuzzled against his own. Light kisses dusted over his entire face, starting at the bottom of his scar at his jaw. No inch of his skin was left un-kissed in thanks for helping. His hands wrapped around her lower back, squeezing her to himself. Neither fell asleep right away, simply resorting to whispering sweet nothings to the other.

//V//

 Vesemir didn’t have many opportunities to be what he always wanted. Despite his lectures to the boys, telling them to never have a family or hope to be a parent, the old witcher always wanted to be a father. He had regrets, and one major one was not doting on his pups like he had wanted to when they were younger. But things were different now, and he could do what he liked, though they were too old to want what he wanted to give. Then Y/n came along. Geralt had a habit of bringing friends along to the keep, and no one ever refused the company, secretly wanting friendly faces, even if they belonged to a sorceress. Y/n wasn’t such entity, being merely a human, which allowed him to dote.

It was the small things that he allowed himself to do. He tried to keep his caring under lock and key, giving her just as many chores and rules as the other. The old witcher showed through giving her an extra sticky bun or lighting the only scented candle they had in the hot spring before she had her time alone in the pool. An extra fur blanket was left on her bed and the hearth in her room was always lit as she retired for the light, Vesemir lighting it as he passed to his own room.

They weren’t grandiose actions, but the hugs she graced him in thanks or the bright smiles he received made him aware how appreciated it was. And that made his old heart swell, knowing he is that figure he always wanted to be. Of course, he does the same for his sons, just in altered ways he knows they’ll appreciate more and there’s little outward thanks in return.

His parental need went into overdrive when one morning she padded down to the main hall, completely a mess. Usually, she would be completely ready for the day, up when the wolves woke, a bright smile gracing everyone. This morning, however, she had the extra fur wrapped tightly around herself. It was late in the morning, and he had waited in the hall for her, sending the boys out training already. The bags under her eyes made her whole visage look sunken and she squinted anytime she stepped out of the shadows. Vesemir met her in the shadows, his hand barely brushing her back.

“What’s wrong?” She blinked up at him, eyes droopy from exhaustion.

“Um,” her voice cracked loudly, and she flinched. “Headache.” The witcher acknowledged with a hum, turning her and leading her to the kitchen. There was only one window, and he sat her down at the end of the workspace where the light didn’t really touch. Water appeared in front of her and his voice softly drifted to her.

“You need to stay hydrated.” Y/n nodded, grabbing the cup and drinking half of its contents. There was quiet shuffling coming from the other end of the kitchen, Vesemir’s eyes frequently watching the woman. Her figure was slumped over, taking deep breaths and hands rubbing her eyes and temples. Sympathy ran through his veins, his need to help and care taking over. While he wouldn’t usually make a different meal than the food he had already prepared, he assumed this was an okay time to bend the rules. And no one was around to see it anyways.

Milk was pulled, along with oats, cinnamon, brown sugar and almonds. A pot with the milk started to boil as he tried to crush the almonds into smaller pieces as quietly as possible. The oats went into the pot, as well as the almonds. Soon, the cinnamon and sugar were dumped into a bowl with the oats and stirred, gently placed in front of Y/n’s sagging figure. He poured more water into the now empty cup, his spare hand gently placing itself on her head, letting it lightly run down her hair. He knew it was something really only done to comfort or praise a small child, but he couldn’t help himself. His ears picked up a small thank you, and he left her to watch over training. Once that was over, he made sure to check on her in her room, bringing in a small lavender plant he re potted, knowing the scent helped such things. More water was also brought, and he was relieved and content to see her in a deep sleep, a small smile on her face.

[jcmorrigan]

What movie or tv show scared you the most?

OH HEEHEEHEEEEEE MY TIME HAS COME

I think this was probably the sign I was meant to be a horror fan, because I'm gonna talk about two movies here and neither one is a standard horror film. Now, I avoided horror films like the plague, but I now realize that's because of my aversion to jumpscares and gore, which have very little to do with actual scary stuff. I feared actual horror imagery as a small child, but basically once I read Coraline it all just turned around because that book gave me nightmares but I actually WANTED those nightmares and kept going back to the book. So what are the movies I just COULD NOT contend with?

First up, I have found that a lot of people have said this one, but really and truly, fuck Chicken Run.

I was...maybe ten when I watched it. Signed up for a goofy claymation adventure. What did I get? First of all, a whole lot of bleak color palette that warned me that this was not going to be a happy story. We are then shown the stakes right away: our entire main cast lives in a dystopian prison and if they do not find a way to escape, they will die. One DOES die. This is where a lot of people say they noped out right away, but actually, the execution of the dinner chicken in the first scene was tame for me compared to what would come next.

The pie machine. It's assembled, it's talked about, and eventually our two leads fall into it in a way that is designed to be fatal. Look, there are a ton of horror tropes in this scene alone. I haven't seen it SINCE THE ONE AIRING and I can still vividly tell you a lot of this. And if I walked into a horror film and asked for this, I'd come out super satisfied, but I was not expecting horror from this. First of all, I remember vividly the shot where you're looking from Ginger's POV falling down the shaft and the divider comes up to shunt her into the "meat" line. It's incredibly claustrophobic and you just get this almost jumpscare reminder that the character through whose eyes you see is regarded as nothing more than meat to be consumed. There is then an array of blades designed for close calls, and dough that essentially glues the lead characters down to a conveyor belt so they have to helplessly watch the death machines that are coming. Sticky stuff that roots you to one spot; that's another thing that just REALLY unnerves me and I love it if I'm reading CreepyPasta but I was not reading CreepyPasta; I was watching a children's film. The leads escape certain death by jamming the gravy system, causing the machine to overload on pressure, and here I feel like I should've been relieved that they escaped but instead I was the most unsettled of all when the pressure meter started climbing. I don't know if this film *gave* me a phobia of industrial accidents or if it just awakened what was already in my OCD little brain, but suffice to say that after this movie, I was hyper-aware of my own fear of things like hissing steam, rising pressure meters, and being in a room where large metal things were clanking. (I'm since over it; I've been exposed to it in enough things.)

Now, I was no quitter. I should have just noped out. But I didn't. I continued to traumatize myself. The next part of the film until the climax I don't remember so well - it wasn't as traumatizing - EXCEPT for the part where Ginger finds and rebuilds Rocky's circus poster. And now, as an adult, I can see how that was kinda supposed to be funny, like, "The goddamn chicken padded his résumé and the way they found this out was a circus poster." But little me was invested in these chickens, I wanted them to be happy, and what I saw was basically their death notice being signed with that scrap of paper with a cannon on it. I FELT that in my bones.

STILL NOT HAVING THE GOOD SENSE TO JUST EJECT THE TAPE ALREADY, I proceeded to the climax, in which what happens to Tweedy might be one of the most fucking awful things I've seen ever? Pinned upside-down in a superheated, confined space with rising liquid from below as the pressure meter starts climbing again. And her husband arrives just in time to see her like this but not in time to actually stop the explosion. Thank God it didn't actually kill her because even though I was already traumatized, that would've absolutely made it worse.

Thing is, ever since this movie scared the absolute shit out of me - and was probably the cause of the weird stomachaches I had for A WEEK after - I've kinda had this thing about reclaiming the scary parts and stomping on them while laughing maniacally. I feel like every time I've done a crossover project, there's been a temptation to write in an arc where the mains go up against THE PIE MACHINE and fucking win. And also there's whump with tons of comfort in my version to mitigate it all. I haven't done any such thing for TBTC...YET. But I know what I must do. I know who must destroy the machine and the Tweedys along with it. Buckle your seatbelts.

My final word before I move on is that as I ascend into adulthood, I think that for the most part, a rewatch of this film wouldn't traumatize me so badly. It'd still be gross and creepy in a way I think shouldn't be sent to children without warning, but I could deal with the imagery, maybe enjoy using it as whump fuel even more, maybe my horror side would really get into the peril this time. But the one thing I've realized is that this premise is fucked EVEN MORE if you're a grown-up, because as a child, you're sympathizing with the chickens. You want them to get free of this death camp environment. But as an adult, you start to realize that all Tweedy wanted to do was be a chicken farmer who sold pie, and her supposedly nonsentient animals ganged up on her in a display of unheard-of intellect among farm stock. This would then lead to her undergoing at least one near-death fate. Think about being a farmer in our world and the animals you keep GANG UP ON YOU LIKE PEOPLE because you're killing them for food. No thank you, no THANK you.

But surely this was a one-of-a-kind phenomenon. Surely, after this...after so many other people agreed with me; "Fuck Chicken Run"...no animation studio would ever pull shit like this again.

I had hoped that was the case until Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.

This is one I don't actually see lambasted as often. Maybe because the Chicken Run trauma crew grew thicker skins before this movie. I only sort of did. Maybe because no one ever actually invested in this film, having already predicted how much it would be garbage from the dumb humor in the trailers. Oh, but not me. I was a fool. Also my family picked it for a movie night so my fate was sealed anyway.

The original book is actually pretty frightening on its own. Food falls from the sky in such great numbers that it starts to destroy the world. Okay, that's terrifying. But kind of in the alluring way. I would keep coming back to the one page about the giant pancake on the school because the way it was drawn unsettled me so, with something huge and immovable blocking off the way to a building that usually has hundreds of innocent children inside. The film built on this and made it a thousand times worse.

Let's start with the goddamn Spray-On Shoe. Our main character is a mad scientist (but the good kind, apparently) whose list of bumbling failed experiments dates back to when he was a child and invented a spray you could put on your feet to coat them in shoes. He then gets laughed at because he didn't engineer a way to get the shoes off, and runs home in humiliation. Guys, the teasing/bullying factor is...not the most worrying thing about this story. There's a throwaway line about how Flint wears THE SAME SHOES into adulthood because to that day they simply cannot be removed. This seems like an incredibly urgent medical problem? Having your feet encased in the same rubber for years? The same rubber as when you're a kid? I just found myself thinking "What if my shoes never came off one day" and that terrifies me, okay? It's stupid and it's silly and it scares me. Even more than that, though, is the canonization of a polymer in this universe that can be sprayed on sticky and will literally never break no matter what you do to it, because that goes back to the pie machine dough principle. Being glued to a surface permanently is inherently terrifying and we'll go over this later because this is not the last fuckin time the glue shoes get brought up.

Flint invents a food-spewing machine. It ends up in the sky. He rides his popularity as it rains larger and larger food down upon the town and also the world. Most of this film up until the climax is unsettling but not AWFUL. Where it starts to go to shit is when Flint realizes his machine is too dangerous and shuts it off, only for the town's local greedy politician to switch it back on into an apocalyptic mode. So can we start with "Local town finds out its elected official is willing to sabotage their well-being in order to capitalize on the fame of a disaster-causing object?". Like, the whole film would've been solved so much sooner if there hadn't been a saboteur in the works - not a fun campy villain, mind you, but a saboteur who exists to drive the plot to the scary place. But I guess we need that narrative tension to justify having a film in the first place, so fine, I'll ride it out.

The main crew saddles up to fly out to the machine, which is now encased in a FLESH LABYRINTH of food, and...I'm just gonna rapid-fire the shit that happens at this part:

-The food turns sentient in order to defend itself. The cute animal sidekick brutally dismembers an army of gummy bears that is fully sentient and rips them apart to devour them.

-We enter the flesh labyrinth and it's exactly as much a horror RPG setting as you think it is.

-Now sentient cooked chickens besiege the party. The comic relief character is consumed by one, only to kill it from the inside and decide to WEAR ITS SKIN in what is seen as his defining character arc's conclusion. Wearing the skin of a dead monster allows him to forge his new identity.

-One of our party has to go back because of a tight passage lined with her deadly allergen, causing her to undergo anaphylaxis after an accidental mild nick. In the flesh labyrinth.

-The entire horrific journey is instantly INVALIDATED when it turns out that instead of the kill code for the machine, all Flint has is a file of a cat video. Which he finds out as the town is about to be obliterated off the face of the earth.

-So he solves it by jamming the works with the spray-on shoe and DID I NOT JUST GO OVER HOW HORRIFIC INDUSTRIAL EXPLOSIONS ARE IN KIDS' MOVIES? DID I NOT? ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS AGAIN? Anyway it's canonical proof that NOTHING can break the shoe glue and I should be happy for the town and happy that there's no more flesh labyrinth of living meat but instead I'm just terrified because of the door we have opened. We have imparted the existence of an indestructible sticky polymer upon the world.

-It's later seen used in a credits sequence to repair damaged houses. Which, first of all, given its flexible nature, is fuckin stupid. It won't serve as an actual wall. Second, that got me thinking about construction accidents involving the fuckin shoe glue. If that stuff gets dripped on a person's face -

-So then cue me sitting awake in bed later thinking wide-eyed about Cloudy with a Chance of Fucking Meatballs and realizing that this compound that is essentially a chemical weapon in the making is now in the hands of the mayor who deliberately caused an apocalyptic event over the town because he wanted the food rain. And THAT'S not going to lead to pretty circumstances.

I think you'll see that a lot of my fears with these two movies is "THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS!" and I think that just shows how my mind works and why I'm drawn to fanfic so much. I'm all about diving into a universe, exploring its corners, analyzing it to death.

And with the industrial horror stuff, I kinda wanna bring it around to two other films that actually really subverted my expectations and made it fun. 102 Dalmatians was a fave of mine through middle school, but I remember when the climax took us to a big ol' factory and I got plumb nervous. After the usual blades and ovens of horror, the fact that it concludes with Cruella basically wearing a cake and a lengthy montage of the dogs kicking toppings onto her is just one of the most wholesome imageries. She survived the thing and now you get to watch her be decorated Lisa Frank style by her victims who are more interested in humiliation than murder, and I love that.

But maybe more prevalent is that I'm well aware that if certain filmography or plot points had been handled in different ways, The Boxtrolls might've actually frightened the ever-loving fuck out of me what with all the industrial stuff and medical horror, but I just...felt like that film was holding my hand the whole way through going "It's okay." The industrial stuff was framed in a way that was just campy enough and yet also taken seriously. Putting a really charismatic villain - ACTUAL VILLAIN, NOT CHICKEN FARMER OR CORRUPT POLITICIAN SABOTEUR - at the wheel was just such a mitigating factor that it gelled the whole thing together and I ended up LOVING what was done with giant machines and garbage crushers and explosions. And as for the medical body horror, I really appreciate how it was so baked in that Snatcher did that to himself - that everyone, EVERYONE warned him "Do not do this, you will probably die, I'm serious, bad fucking idea" up to the point of Eggs trying to plead him during an anaphylaxis attack, one last time, DO NOT continue down this path, we can find a way to heal you psychologically and get you some self-fulfillment. And Snatcher fully chooses hubris over the many, many opportunities offered him to be able to step down onto a safer path and that removes the fear and pulls it more into a tragedy for the villain. Not at all the same thing as "Sam the reporter is trying to save the world and doing her best until a fixture of the landscape accidentally sends her into anaphylaxis."

(Oh, and by the way, can I just - when I do see CWACOM brought up these days, it's always in the context of "This is the one movie where the guy tells the girl it's okay to look nerdy!". Well, no, not the way I remember it. The way I remember it, Sam basically tells Flint "I used to have really tacky style but have since changed it up of my own volition" and Flint is just like "NOOOOO YOU NEED TO WEAR GLASSES AND A SCRUNCHIE. I WANT A HOT NERD GIRL." This could've been pulled off right with some more introspection into female beauty standards, even in a tongue-in-cheek way, but right now it really looks like Sam just wanted to make herself more glam for a new image and Flint bullied her into regressing her style. Which I've also realized meant he bullied her into dressing more like she did as a teenager and normally I think that kind of shit is just "You're overthinking it" but since it's CWACOM and I spelled it out on paper like that, I'm just now realizing how that can be seen as pretty...icky.)

The one saving grace of CWACOM is that I was older by that time, and so it didn't affect me as hard as Chicken Run. But I still hold it dearly to my heart as one of the MOST DISTURBING movies I know, and by "dearly" I mean "fuck this movie, really and truly." I want to extend my thanks to 102D and Boxtrolls for giving me industrial-horror-based climaxes that were actually really comfortable, and again, probably what drove both of these was the fact that we had a campy diva villain in the lead for the potential scary stuff to surround and radiate off. Not a fuckin...ordinary chicken farmer who is just trying to make bank but is somehow passed as a Nazi allegory for trying to live her life as a farmer? I dunno, maybe if I rewatched that film I'd see she has a thirst for human blood too, and if I could fix fic Chicken Run my first order of business would be to give her a thirst for human blood instead of/in addition to chickens.

Anyway. Fuck both these films, EXCEPT for the fact that traumatizing scenarios can always be recast as whump material, and the next time I wanna do some crossover aftercare from a physically and psychologically damaging mission, I have a pie machine and a flesh labyrinth to exploit. REALLY HEAVY ON THAT AFTERCARE COMFORT THOUGH!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #426

“insatiable furnace, burning up our surplus  /  watching all essential life become another servant”

Are you a brunette? Yep. It is way past due time that I get it dyed... What is your favorite channel on TV? I don't really watch TV, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it'd probably be Discovery. Have you ever been to Chicago, IL? Yes!! It's my only experience with a truly BIG city, and though I'm not a city person, the experience was pretty magical. It was something I wasn't even remotely used to. Just so much life and business and energy to feel there. Who was your first friend? Brianna. She was the sister of my older sister's best friend. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. :') Do you regret your last kiss? Nope. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Who was the last person to tell you ‘I love you’? My mom. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Do you live on your own? Noooo. I don't think I ever could. I would have to stay VERY busy, or else the loneliness would kill me. Hell, even if I was very active in stuff, I still don't know if I could. With how bad my depression is capable of being, it doesn't sound smart at all for me to move out unless it was with somebody. Are your the oldest child? No, I'm the middle kid. How many X-rays have you had in the last 2 years? Two, maybe? One for my legs and the other for my teeth. Are you on good terms with your last ex? Yeah, we're best friends. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? Nah. Do you freak out if a bee/wasp flies near you? ... yes lol. What subjects in history interest you most? The Holocaust. It's just so... shocking and extreme that it's oddly fascinating, but of course horribly sad. Are you superstitious in any way? Nah. How do you get rid of anxiety? Do what? Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? Yeah, my two rings, my lip piercing, and tragus piercing. Has a song ever made you cry before? There are many. ^If so, what about it brought you to tears? Again, I said "many," so this would be a horribly long list. There are four though - "Eternally Yours" and "Another Life" by Motionless in White, "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin, and "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides - that I really, really try to avoid, because I WILL cry. They're all associated with Jason for one reason or another. "Stairway to Heaven," especially, is absolutely forbidden for me to listen to. Would you consider yourself open-minded? Very, honestly. Have you ever met someone online that you wanted to meet in real life? I've met Sara! :') There are a handful of others I'd love to meet, too. Tell me about the last thing that made you laugh until it hurt. Wow, I have no idea. I don't remember the last time I laughed THAT hard. When you graduate, what color will your gown be? Ugh, it was this insufferable red. We got to vote on it, and I really wanted navy instead, as it looks more formal and not as obnoxious to me, but red won. Do you own a gun? No. My household legally can't because of my suicidal history. What color of shirt are you wearing? It's a black tank top. Do you use any acne medication? Nah, I don't really get acne anymore. Are you emotional or very stoic? I'm emotional as shit. Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? A few. There's Fullmetal Alchemist (as well as the Brotherhood expansion), Deadman Wonderland, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I've seen bits of others. Which baby animal is your favorite? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Once they reach three/four weeks, they're fucking precious. I also really like kittens. Do you like jam on your toast and biscuits? Sometimes. Have you ever reread a book? It is very, VERY rare I do this. The only cases I remember are for Because of Winn-Dixie and Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari. Do you have any religious symbols in your home? I think Mom has some religious quotes on the walls? What religion do you identify with, if any? None. What is you favorite flavor of pudding and/or yogurt? I love chocolate pudding, but I'm not very big on yogurt because of the sourness. I can sometimes eat a cookies 'n cream one, but occasionally I'm like "ew." We’re going to the best amusement park ever, first ride you choose is? One of those water rides where you go down a big slope. Did you have intense night terrors as a child? No. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? No. That'd be dope. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? Ugh, yes. Worst was the first time I got my tongue pierced. It was early into infection though, thank God; I ended up having to take it out and get it re-pierced later. Have you ever shoplifted? No. Do you hate when people say, "Everything’s going to be fine,“ when it’s not? Sometimes. It can feel kinda dismissive of your extreme situation, and sometimes, things simply won't be okay. Like, you can't tell that to someone on their death bed. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? No, oops. Are you a shorts-wearing kind of person? Absolutely not. Nobody wants to see my legs, not even me. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? My grandma's sure as hell was. She was very old-fashioned and "proper" and took cleanliness and manners very seriously. Do you know how to jumpstart a car? Nope. Would you date someone 8 years older than you? Probably. What did you do today? I WENT TO THE GYM AND DID A FULL HOUR OF EXERCISE!!!!! :') For once I am SO fucking proud of myself. I left drenched in sweat, but I also left with a feeling of great accomplishment. I'm going to be going twice a week now with a personal trainer. (: Who was the last person you fell asleep with? Sara. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. People doing that shit terrifies me. Have you ever felt replaced? Sure have. Have you ever kissed someone who was high? No. If you caught your significant other cheating on you what would you do? I don't have a partner, but hypothetically, leave their ass in a blink. I don't fuck with those kind of people. Do you know who Jeffree Star is? Well, yes. I watch him on YT sometimes and (astonishingly) love his music, and I find his work ethic extremely inspiring. That man knows how to hustle. What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage? Probably sangrias. When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? "The" ex, it's been years. I've removed all pictures I have of him, irl and digitally, because it's triggering for me. How many push-ups can you do? Probably zero. Do you play any games on your phone? There's Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Dragons of Atlantis that I play semi-regularly. Have you ever received a compliment from a stranger? Yes. Have you ever shaved your face? Just my upper lip to avoid the lady stache, ha ha. What colour is your front door? It’s white. Do you take the stairs or the elevator? If an elevator is available, I will ALWAYS use that. I have an extreeeemely hard time getting up stairs because of having just about no leg muscle. Do you get motion sickness? No. When was the last time you went to your favourite restaurant? Oh man, it's been forever. :/ Olive Garden sounds soooo good right now. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? No. Well, Mom has her earlobes pierced once, but that's it. Are you desperate for anyone’s approval, in particular? It's funny, even though he hasn't been a part of my life for years, I still desperately crave what I think would make Jason proud. There have been many times where my mind has wondered to what he would think of me now... and I know it's not good. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Reading. When was the last time you felt hopeful, and why? Today, after finishing my workout at the gym. I think, finally, that I may be taking another stride forward in life. Do you find yourself asking for the same things for your birthdays and for holidays? Ha, yup: a new tattoo, 100%. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? Girt's recommended some music to me before. He loves sharing songs he likes with me. Of course I didn't tell him it sucked, ha ha. What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? She is very passionate about animals, reptiles in particular, and is simply amazing with them. If you had a child, would you rather have a girl or a boy? A girl for sure. Has anybody ever accused you of doing drugs? No. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Honestly, do you think that you will wanna settle down in the same town you’re currently residing in? HELL no. I hate this place. Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Sara does sometimes. Are you close to any of your cousins? No. Are you a romantic person? I think I am. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains. Have you ever been in the mountains when the moon and stars were up? NO BUT FUCK I WANT THAT. Just lay in a grassy spot with some s'mores or something and just ~vibe~. Do people like your hair? I get complimented on it a bit. Have you ever held birdseed and a bird came and ate out of your hand? Yeah, at a bird sanctuary. Could you ever live in Alaska? Hell yeah, I'd enjoy that. On the main page on YouTube, what’re the three recommended videos? There's one by a WoW gold maker, a song by 3TEETH, and a video of bullsnakes hatching. Do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on Myspace/Facebook? Couldn't care less. I only "friend" people I know and care about. Does your significant other have any piercings? I'm single. Do you ever get bored of yourself? Oh, all the time. I feel like I'm extremely dull and plain and, well, boring. How many band shirts do you own? Which? Oh goodness, I have no idea. I own a lot. Do you go to shows mostly for the music, the moshing, or the merchandise? I go for the music. It's nice to buy merch, but it's SO expensive that it's dumb. Moshing, I think is just stupid. Have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now? Many places, actually. So many holes closed because piercings had to be taken out when I was in the psych hospital. I was so annoyed. Who were you with the first time you watched the last movie you watched? I was alone. Do you have any twins/multiples in your family? Are they identical or fraternal? No. What is the highest number of jobs you’ve had at one time? One. Is your mom a good mom? She is the actual best. Last thing you threw in the garbage? The crust of some leftover pizza I had this morning. I generally eat the crust, but this time it was WAY too hard.

[dachi-chan25]

Haven't done this in a while but I had the time so why not?

1.- Pizza Girl by Kyoung Jean Frazier

🌟🌟🌟🌟

I really did like it, reminded me a lot of "Convinience store woman". Like clearly our protagonist needed thrapy ASAP to help her deal with her dad's death, her pregnancy, her attraction to women and hell just for existing as an Asian woman in the USA, but I liked how messy and obsesive she was and how the author allowed her to be fucked up and take bad decisions, I love to see female characters simply exist, it's also a pretty short read so I definitely recommend it.

2.-The Authentics by Abdi Nazemian

🌟🌟🌟🌟

Daría is a persian teen who is really involved in her cultural background and feels that the most important thing one can be is authentic, so that's the name she and her friends take for their clique. But everything comes crashing down on her when she discovers she is adopted, and soon follows an identity crisis. I loved it so much, it felt pretty realistic, like Daría could be self absorbed and unlikeable at times, but who wasn't as a teen? And we get such beautiful heartwarming moments between Daría and her family and friends. Totally recommend it.

3.- The Mall by Megan McCafferty

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Cassie has her life completely mapped out but nothing goes quite as planned, first she gets mononucleosis and after she gets better gets dumped and fired almost simultaneously. Determined not to let it get the best of her, Cassie gets a brand new job, reconnects with an old friend and even finds a hidden treasure. This one is so much fun, all the 90s references and the growth Cassie goes through is amazing, honeslty i would love to see this as a Netflix movie.

4.- Luster by Raven Leilani

🌟🌟🌟🌟

This book was hard, Edie is a very raw character, at first she seems flippant even when describing disturbing facts about her past or details about her relationship with a much older man she seems to be talking about something that happened to someone else all this to cope dealing with her solitude, her trauma, her self hate. And gosh it was so intresting to see her interact with Rebecca and Akila, especially Akila as Edie finds kinship in this young girl not only cuz they are both black but because they are both lost and afraid.

5.- Lakewood by Megan Giddings

🌟🌟🌟

Lena decides to participate on a financially compensated medical experiment so her mom can get proper medical care and to lessen their debts after her Grandmother's death.

So I had many mixed feelings about this, on one hand I liked that we are adressing how sistematical racism has permited experiments on black people with no consequences at all and how it has been happening for decades, but there were certain parts of the book that I couldn't enjoy as much because they were very trippy like I get we are on Lena's mind as things are becoming muddled up because of the medications and all those mind games and the words they have her memorize and repeat but all of it took me a bit away from the story. Still I do recommend it just be aware there is quite a bit of body horror in this so if you are sqeamish better skip it.

6.-The Voting Booth - Brandy Colbert

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Marva and Duke meet on election day as she helps him find the precint he is registered on.

This is very enjoyable, the story is very straightforward, and it insists on our right and responsability to vote even if we feel our vote alone can't possibly change all the injustice we see in the world. And also the romance was cute and developed slowly as Marva and Duke are just knowing each other. Really cute and quick read.

7.- Such a fun age - Kiley Reid

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Emira works as a babysitter for the Chamberleins' . She loves her little charge Briar, although she feels preassured to seek a 'real job' by her friends and by her own economic troubles. Emira soon finds herself in the middle of a tug of war between her boss Alix who tries to befriend her, and Kelley the guy she is dating.

So much drama. This is a great example of what performative activism looks like, first Alix is completely nuts, from her obsession to be seen as this wonderful understanding girl boss activist and the down right creepy sense of entitlement to Emira's friendship and intimacy. Like it doesn't surprise me she chose to victimize herself instead of recognizing it had all been a misunderstanding. And even then she still wants to seem atractive to the man she feels victimized by. Girl no.

Kelley is the ultimate fake woke ally. Dude Robbie was wrong period, he had no business inviting people over to someone else's house no matter the color of his skin. You don't get to talk over Emira on matters of what a person of color should do or feel on certain situations. That said it was so funny when he and Alix called each other out for their fetishization of people of color and yet none of them actually gave a damn about what Emira thought/felt/percieved. They just wanted her stamp of approval so they could pat themselves in the back for being such good allies.

8.- The Life and (Medieval) times of Kit Sweetly by Jamie Pacton

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Kit is working as a serving wench at the Castle, medieval themed restaurant run by her uncle, though she really wants to be a Knight, not only cuz the better pay would help around the house but because she really admires Joan of Arc, problem is the Castle management doesn't allow for anyone who is not a cis male to be a knight. Kit is set on changing that.

Ok so I feel a bit lukewarm toward this. Kit in my opinion doesn't get much growth, it seems she just can do whatever and her friends have to be ok w it, her romance w her friend feels pulled out of nowhere like Jett at one point tells her he is not intrested in dating her and then he is ???, those GoT references killed me, I get it I watched the show and sometimes even enjoyed it but it's not representative of anything medieval and Kit was always talking about how much she liked the actual history of the medieval times so...

Also as much as this book was about feminism and how we should fight for equal job oportunities, it feels as though Kit only cared about medieval woman who fought physically and not on the badass medieval woman, like idk it feels as a rejection of tradicional feminity like even the girl playing the Princess is a jerk. But I did like some parts, like her decision to confront her asshole dad to help her mom and the girls training together.

9.-Cien años de soledad de Gabriel Garcia Marquez

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

En Macondo, una población Colombiana a un lado del río, vemos como una de sus familias fundadoras crece, se expande y cambia a través de cien años.

Me encanto, hace mucho tiempo que no leía una novela de realismo mágico que me provocará tantos sentimientos. Creo que todos los personajes reflejan aspectos de la humanidad tan diversos y complejos que sería inútil tratar de enlistarlos todos.

Ultimadamente siento que lo que condenó a la familia Buendia a cumplir las profecías de Melquiades fue sus propia naturaleza que ellos nunca tuvieron intención de pelear, siempre sucumbian a las locuras o pasiones que los inundarán sin mesura alguna o consideración por las consecuencias. Y creo que aún así lo prefiero pues es lo que hace a cada personaje por confuso que a veces llegue a ser la repetición de nombres (que para mi es el simbolismo de una naturaleza y destino continuos) único e intrigante. En verdad espero que se den la oportunidad de leer este libro por lo menos una vez en sus vidas.

10.-The Monsters of music by Rebecca F. Kenney

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This is a gender-swaped modern retelling of the Phantom of the Opera.

It was creative to make Mel, our Phantom, a true magical creature, and the singing contest was also cool. Like don't get me wrong I did have fun reading this but it also felt pretty unpolished like most characters were teens on the contest and that kinda made me roll my eyes a bit, like unless it's the Voice Kids age ranges are quite ample on this kind of shows, also kinda clumsy the addition of the magical elements with the modern setting, Kiyo didn't make much of an impression with me even when Christine is my fave on the original book. Still if you are a Phan like me you might wanna check this one out.

11.- Anna K by Jenny Lee

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This is a modern americanized ya retelling of Anna Karenina.

Not gonna lie this made me cry so much at the end. I really liked Anna and Vronski together so much, and I don't like the love at first sight trope, but here it felt so inevitable. Anna was so self contained until she met him and could truly explore being herself and they really loved each other so much. Also I liked the treatment of the side characters Kimmie and Dustin were well developed and I really enjoyed this one can't wait to get to the second book.

12.- Wonderland by Zoje Stage

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It was ok, but I was actually a bit disappointed cuz I had such high expectations for it. Like for about half the book I was really into the atmospheric vibe the book pulls you into, but as we get the reveal it started to go down hill for me, and the ending left me feeling meh. But maybe it was just not my cup of tea.

13.-Home Before Dark by Riley Sager

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This book is so well crafted!!! I love how it goes back and forth between past and present , first it feels as if history is repeating itself, then as both narratives unfold we start to question and discovering things and the twist at the end was chillin and masterful, I truly and wholeheartedly recommend it.

14.- The Girl with the louding voice by Abi Daré

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Adunni, a teenage girl, flees from her husband to work as a maid in Lagos, though everything she has ever wanted is to study.

This broke my heart, as it reflects how people coming from rural backgrounds get taken advantage of in the City, like similar things happen here in Mexico, but also it made me glad to see Adunni fight and keep her spirit so no one could ever silence her.

15.- The Year of the Witching by Alexis Henderson

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Immanuel does her very best to fit in Bethel, follow the scriptures and the Prophets words, but nothing seems to be enough to erase her mother's sin especially when the Darkwood seems to pull her in. As a plague starts to ravage Bethel, Immanuel has to face her past to save her people.

So frickin' good !!!! This story is great, mainly about the explotation of woman and young girls by people in power (in this case a church), the atmosphere is always tense, Ezra and Immanuel 's relationship is very well developed and one can really see how loyal they are to each other. A great option for horror fans.

[wlntrsldler]

Toothpaste Kisses (Bucky Barnes Imagine)

PROMPT: The reader is superstitious and she discovers something when she tries a folklore. 

WARNINGS: kinda a plot twist? a lot of dialogue, that’s new for me, best friend tony, smitten bucky

A/N: The title has no correlation to the actual prompt I was just listening to Toothpaste Kisses by the Maccabees and it reminded me of sunshine and love and this is what this imagine gives me. 

-

“Y/N,” Tony scoffed, tinkering with one of his suits again. “You are one of the most brilliant scientists I’ve ever worked with and you mean to tell me, you’re superstitious and believe in fairytales.”

“Folklores.” You corrected, pushing the glasses up from the tip of your nose. “And yes, I am proudly superstitious and I believe in magic. I work with the goddamn Avengers and I’m friends with the God of Thunder and God of Mischief, for crying out loud! Anything is possible at this point.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “The Avengers all have a scientific explanation to all of us. Thor and Loki are different. Shakespeare in the park, I say.”

“Tony, just please take me out to the field.” You begged, growing impatient with your boss’s lack of understanding. 

“Truly, Y/N, you surprise me.” He replied, throwing one of his pens at you from across the table. “I cannot believe you still don’t know how to drive.”

You were about to hit him back with a snarky comment about how he never gives you the time to practice how to drive so you never learned, when a voice interrupted the two of you. “I’ll take you, Dr. Y/L/N.” 

Your cheeks flushed at the familiar voice. Bucky Barnes. 

You met him when Steve first brought him into the compound. You were assigned to be his medical doctor, supplying him with meds and injections when needed. How you managed to stay upright and not melt at the sight of the beautiful super-soldier remains a mystery to you until this very day. 

Tony smirked at you, eyebrows raising suggestively. Tony may be your boss but he also doubled as your best friend who you tell everything to. It wasn’t like you even had to tell him anything. He knew you like the back of his hand. The minute you started to tense up when Bucky walked into the room and how your cheeks grew embarrassingly pink under his gaze, Tony knew right away. “Barnes! Thanks for offering. Y/N, he can take you.”

“Tony, shut the hell up.” You muttered under your breath, not wanting to turn around as you heard Bucky walk closer to the table where you worked. 

“I’ll be glad to,” Bucky sat on the chair right beside you, turning his body to face you in the swivel chair. “Where we going, Doc?”

You let out a shy chuckle, rubbing the back of your neck with your palm. “Bucky, it’s okay. I was just trying to give Tony a hard time. I’m sure you have plenty of other things you should be doing, anyway.”

“I insist.” Bucky smiled. Dear God, he is perfect. “Where are we going?”

“If you say so,” You breathed out, eyes focused on your tablet. You always found it hard to look Bucky in the eye after the one incident where you literally tripped over your own feet when his blue eyes met yours. “I wanted to go to the field today and pick some flowers.”

“Sounds like a plan. What time do you want to leave?”

“I should be done here in about an hour.” You chewed on your bottom lip, staring at the clock ticking on the corner of the room. “That good with you?”

“Perfect.” Bucky got up from the chair, placing a hand on your shoulder to get you to look at him. You obliged and instantly regretted it. His features were so defined under the light and he was so close to you. You gulped, mouth slightly agape. “I’ll come back over here in an hour to pick you up.”

You gave a small nod, holding in the whimper in your throat. He just flashed you another one of his award-winning smiles, completely oblivious to what he does to you, and made his way out of the room. Once Bucky was out of ear shot, Tony bursted out laughing.

“You’re a fucking ass, you know that?” You glared, hitting Tony on his bicep. “I fucking hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” He snorted, stifling his laughter to get through the conversation. “I just got you a date with Barnes.” 

“‘s not a date.” 

-

“So what are we here for, Dr. Y/L/N?” Bucky asked, leaning over to turn the music down from the car radio. He rolled down the windows, letting the scent of fresh, country air fill his senses. The sun was beginning to set in your front view, making the sky a perfect blend of yellows and oranges. “You experimenting with nature for the cure for cancer?”

You sat with one leg tucked under the other, elbow propped up on the window. You looked to your left to take a look at Bucky. He was already staring at you, sunglasses resting on his head, pushing his hair back. You giggled at his question, not missing the way his eyes lit up at your reaction to his joke. “No, I’m not. We’re here for personal reasons.”

“Too personal to share?” His eyes drifted to the road for a second before returning back to you. One hand gripped the wheel while the other tapped mindlessly to the beat of the song playing in the background.

“It’s actually pretty stupid.” You confessed, suddenly growing self-conscious of your reasoning. It wasn’t just Tony who made fun of you for your superstitions. The rest of the team often made playful jokes about it, with the exception of Bucky and Steve who were too polite to say anything. Of course, you knew it was all just for fun, often you’d join in on it, but it still made you feel a bit awkward when people talked about it. “You know how I love learning about and trying folklore?”

“Mhm.” 

“Well, I heard one that’s supposed to help you meet your soulmate.” You explained, beaming up at him. You haven’t been able to truly talk about it in detail because Tony would scoff and change the subject every time you tried to bring it up. You didn’t blame him. You two shared a bond through science, folklore and superstition was not up his alley. “I needed to get seven different types of flowers for it to work so here we are.”

“You meet your soulmate?” He asked, genuinely intrigued by the idea. “How do you do that?”

“Well, you don’t really meet them.” You started, twisting your body to angle towards him. He was slowing down, recognizing the familiar off-road path to the field. “They come to you in a dream. You put the flowers under your bed while you sleep and they pop up. I wanted to try it, seemed interesting.”

Bucky pulled into the small area, putting the car in park. He unbuckled his seatbelt and faced you, “Can you pick some flowers for me too? I kinda wanna try it.”

You looked at him, “Why don’t we pick some together?”

The sun was still partially up, the darkness of the night not being too prevalent yet. You grabbed the basket you brought with you from the backseat and exited the car. Bucky was standing in front of the car, staring off into the field of wildflowers. 

This was one of your favorite areas. The team had a picnic here one time and you fell in love with it since. If the team couldn’t find you, they knew you somehow made your way over here to detach from the hectic life of working with the Avengers. You’d disappear here for hours at a time, getting lost in the sea of words in your novel and with the scent of nature. 

You motioned for Bucky to follow you as you walked across the grassy field. You leaned down to pluck some wildflowers along the way, placing them gently on your clothed basket. Bucky watched you skip happily, smiling to himself as you stopped ever so often to smell the flowers around you. Bucky had seen you in this field once before, when Tony ordered him to pick you up for the day. He saw you, laying on your stomach, eyebrows knitted as you turned a page in the book you were reading. You looked at peace, very different from how you looked at work. 

But seeing you now, almost carefree in nature, was a new side to you that Bucky absolutely adored. He knew it was unprofessional, falling for his doctor, but he couldn’t help it. You were breathtaking. He could never wrap his head around the fact that you were a woman of science and technology but still believed in fairytales and happy endings. You were surrounded by so much gloom in life, yet you managed to muster up the courage to believe in the good. Bucky loved that. 

“Y/N,” He called out, jogging a bit to catch up to you. “I have a question.”

“What’s up?” You turned around, cocking your head to the side. Bucky looked down at the basket, foolishly grinning when he saw that there were definitely more than fourteen flowers in your basket. You blushed, “Yeah, I got a little carried away.”

“Here, I’ll hold it for you.” Bucky reached over to take the basket from you. Your hands touched in the process, causing his heart to swell at the sensation. He was whipped for you. Absolutely smitten. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. He cleared his throat, trying to relieve himself from the awkwardness that followed. “I was wondering, what if someone already met their soulmate?”

“Well,” You started, thinking about it for a second. “Then they’re one of the lucky ones.”

You turned back around to continue your hunt for flowers, completely oblivious to the fact that Bucky was asking for his own sanity. He was praying to the heavens and to the Gods above, if there ever was such a thing, for you to be the one to surprise him in his dreams tonight.

-

Bucky was upset the following day when the folklore didn’t work on him. He knew that these things rarely worked but he got his hopes high for this one. He fell asleep with the flowers under his pillow, hoping that you came to visit him in his dreams. When the sun peeked through his curtains and he realized you never came, he huffed disappointedly and walked down to the kitchen to get some breakfast. 

Tony was sitting at the head of the dining table, coffee in one hand and a tablet in the other. He cocked an eyebrow upon seeing Bucky’s disheveled state, “You good there, Manchurian Candidate?” 

“Too early for this, Tony.” Bucky replied, mixing his coffee to retreat back into his room.

“What crawled up your ass today?”

“I tried Y/N’s soulmate thing,” He sighed, leaning over the counter. He rubbed his eye with his flesh hand, trying to wipe away the tiredness from his body. “Let’s just say it didn’t work.”

“Maybe because it’s fake,” Tony laughed, taking a sip from his coffee. “And even if it did work, your brain’s been fried like a hundred times. I doubt that would work on someone like you.”

Bucky pondered Tony’s statement for a few minutes. It did make sense that it wouldn’t work on someone like him, given the fact that he was heavily brainwashed and tortured for years. His mind probably put up walls to prevent any other mind-altering revelations. He mumbled, “I’m going back to my room.” 

You came into the kitchen thirty minutes after Bucky left, face as red as ever. You were glad to see Tony still there, sipping his third cup of coffee, unbeknownst to you. You pulled out the chair next to him and turned his tablet off. 

“Wow, I totally wasn’t doing anything important there,” He grumbled, placing the tablet down on the table, face down. “What’s got you in a mood?”

“You know that soulmate thing,” You said, palms rubbing together in nervousness as you explained. “So I tried it.”

“Let me guess, it didn’t work?”

“No,” Your eyes widened, scoping out the room to make sure nobody was around to hear you. “I saw my soulmate.”

“Yay!” He cheered but halted when he saw your worried expression, “Why aren’t you happy? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Well yeah, sorta.”

“I’m confused.”

“I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate, you know.” You began, using hand gestures to further your point. “And I was so excited when I got to meet them in my dream. It’s just that… Tony, I know them in real life.”

“Okay, I’m even more confused now.” He placed his coffee mug down beside his tablet, blinking trying to understand your point. “Isn’t that a good thing?” 

You sighed, “Yeah, it would be if my soulmate was anyone other than him.”

“Who is it?”

“Steve.” You cringed, the name bitter on your tongue. “I saw Steve in my dream last night.”

-

MAIN MASTERLIST

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.

[keplercryptids]

nonfiction LGBTQ+ books i read this year

i read a lot this year, and a good chunk of it was LGBTQ+ nonfiction. so i thought it might be nice to list what i read. as a note, many of these books deal with LGBTQ history in the United States. too often, mainstream US-centric LGBTQ texts focus on white middle-class cisgender folks, though I’ve done my best to balance that as much as possible with other perspectives. (that being said, if you got ‘em, i would LOVE book recommendations that tackle worldwide/non-white LGBTQ issues!)

Accessibility notes: Given the nature of the genre, there’s a lot of intense discussion re: homophobia and transphobia. Basically every book listed covers those things to some extent, and I’ve specified where there’s additional potentially triggering content. (If you have specific questions about triggers, please let me know!) also, some of these books are on the academic side. I’ve done my best to note when a book was very academic or when I found it to be more readable. (full disclosure on that note: I’m a college grad and voracious reader without any reading-specific learning disabilities, so my opinion may be different than yours!) as a final note, I was able to access most of these as e-books/audiobooks through my local library. I live in a major metropolitan area, if that gives you any idea of how easy it’ll be for you to find these books. I’ve noted when a book was more difficult to get my hands on.

History

Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940 by George Chauncey. As the title suggests, this book focuses on gay male communities in NYC pre-World War 2. Even with that limited scope, this is an important read to better understand gay male history in the early 20th century. Gay communities thrived in the early 1900s and this snapshot of that is really wonderful. This is definitely more of an academic read, but I highly recommend it. while it definitely focuses on white middle-class gay men, there was more discussion of poor and/or gay men of color than i had actually expected, so that’s nice. (CW for rape and sexual assault, homophobic violence and medicalization of homosexuality.)

Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville. Finally, a book about queer history that actually talks about black people! I was expecting more of a history book, whereas this was more of a critique of specific novels, plays and movies of the early 1900s and was way more focused than i was expecting. don’t get me wrong, I majored in English lit so i’m super into that kind of analysis as well, it just wasn’t as far-reaching as I would have liked. Also, it’s very academic. (Only the print version was available at my library.) (CW for racism, mentions of slavery.)

Transgender History by Susan Striker. This book describes itself as an “approachable introductory text” to transgender history in the US, which I agree with. It’s a pretty short read given the enormity of the topic, so it doesn’t go into much detail about specific groups or events, but imo it’s a good introduction. Especially interesting to me was the information about where and when TERF ideology began. Academic but on the easier-to-read side. (CW for transphobia, gross TERF rhetoric, brief mentions of the AIDS crisis, police violence.)

Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. okay so, I gave this 1 star. it’s probably a good book if you know absolutely nothing about US LGBTQ history and want an intro, but a review on goodreads said that it should be called Gay Assimilation instead and i completely agree. Faderman focuses on white middle-to-upper class gay and lesbian assimilationists, often at the expense of radical queer and trans people of color. The latter is hardly mentioned at all, which is ridiculous given trans folks’ contributions to the LGBTQ movement. When radical people ARE mentioned, it’s often in a disparaging way, or in a way that positions the radicals as too extreme. Faderman constantly repeats the refrain that the fight for LGBT rights was “just like what black people did for their rights” without any addendum about why that is...not a good take. There’s no meaningful discussion of race, class or intersectionality. She lauds Obama as a hero for the gays and there’s a ton (I mean a TON) of content about how military acceptance + gay marriage = we won, or whatever. anyway, i wasn’t a fan, although many of the events and organizations discussed in this book are important to know just from a factual basis. (CW for all the stuff I mentioned, plus police violence, medicalization of homosexuality. it’s also fucking LONG so i recommend the audiobook, lol.)

Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States by Joey L. Mogul,  Andrea J. Ritchie, and Kay Whitlock. This is “a searing examination of queer experiences--as ‘suspects,’ defendants, prisoners, and survivors of crime.” A frequently upsetting but super important read about how LGBTQ identities have been policed in the past, and currently are policed today. i wish there was more focus on trans folks, but other than that it’s a solid read. (CW for all the things you’d expect a book about policing and imprisoning LGBTQ folks to include: police and institutionalized violence, sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia.)

Stonewall by Martin Duberman. This book follows the lives and activism of six LGBTQ folks before, during and after the Stonewall riots. Note: Stonewall itself is only discussed in one chapter about 2/3 of the way through, the rest of the book dedicated to the six individuals’ lives and activism up to and after that point. It’s a history book with a strong narrative focus that I found to be a fairly accessible read. (CW for minors engaging in sex work and sexual predation by adults, sexual and domestic violence, police violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide.)

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts. This is a HEAVY but really important read about the AIDS epidemic in the US, tracking the disease and the political/cultural response from about 1980-1985. It’s journalistic nonfiction, so although it’s a very long book I found it easier to read than more academic-y books. the only thing i really disliked was how the book demonized “Patient Zero” in quite unfair ways, but it was originally published in ‘87 so that explains part of it. I want to stress again that it’s heavy, as you’d expect a book about thousands of deaths to be. (CW: oh boy where to start. Graphic descriptions of disease/death, graphic descriptions of sex, medical neglect, republican nonsense.)

Memoirs, essays, etc

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote. i felt mixed about this one! i appreciated the different perspectives regarding gender and desire, especially since this anthology contains a lot of essays by people who came of age in the 60s-80s (so there’s a historical bent too). but some of the essays feel dated, at best, and offensive at worst. there was more than one instance of TERF-y ideology thrown in. probably 1/4 of the essays were really really great, and i’d still recommend reading it in order to form your own opinions--also, imo it’s useful to see where TERF ideology comes from. this book was harder to find, and i had to order a print version through interlibrary loan. (CW for a few TERFy essays. i read this earlier in the year so it’s possible i’m forgetting some other triggers, sorry!)

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by (editors) Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman. Serving as a follow-up of sorts to Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, this is a collection of narratives by transgender and gender-nonconforming folks. While not “history” in a technical sense, many of the writers are 30+ and give a wide array of LGBTQ+ experiences, past and present, that are important. I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint, of course, duh! But some of the essays were really powerful and overall it’s a good read. (CW for one essay about eating disorders, some outdated language/reclaimed slurs as to be expected--language is one of the main themes of the collection actually so the “outdatedness” is important.)

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt. A memoir published in 1995, focusing on Minnie’s life, marriage, gender identity, eventual coming out and relationship with Leslie Feinberg. i really enjoyed this one. it was beautifully written. there are many erotic elements to this memoir so keep that in mind. also was a little harder to get, and i had to order a print version via interlibrary loan. (i read this awhile ago and can’t remember specific triggers, sorry! if anyone knows of some, please let me know.)

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya. A memoir by a trans woman ruminating on masculinity. it’s beautiful and very short (truly more of a longform essay), so it’s a good one if you don’t have the attention span/time for longer books. (CW for sexism, harassment, transphobia.)

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. god, this memoir is gorgeous and is one of my favorite books of the year. it chronicles Audre’s childhood in Harlem and her coming-of-age in the 1950s as a lesbian. ultimately, this is a book about love and that resonates throughout every page. idk can you tell i loved this book so much??? (CW for child abuse, sexual assault, a friend’s suicide, racism.)

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib. suuuuch a good book! Samra writes about her life as she and her family arrive in Canada as refugees from Pakistan in her early childhood, onto her life today as a queer Muslim woman of color, photographer and activist. beautifully written and just such an important perspective. Only the print version was available at my library. (CW for child sexual assault, a suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, non-graphic mentions of domestic violence, racism and sexism.)

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kababe. this is a beautifully illustrated graphic novel memoir about the author’s journey of discovering eir identity as queer. i related to a lot of it, which was great on a personal level, but i also think it could be a great educational tool for those wanting to know more about gender queerness (especially for those who prefer graphic novels!) (CW for gender dysphoria, descriptions of gynecological exams, imagery of blood and a couple pages depicting being impaled, some nudity, vomit.)

[xellshun]

Feeding The Beast

I stand firm when supporting one of my favorite quotes: Evil is never born, it is created. All things were once good in the beginning, even Satan.

With the developement of my disorder and my descent into becoming a sociopath came many dark traits that I’ve used countless times to calm my urges and impulses. Most of them are fairly common among those with ASPD. But one quality has always stood above all the others.

My desire to victimize as many women as possible.

This post will focus on this trait rather than HOW it came to be but I will share a little bit of my past just to give you a general idea of it’s origins.

Over the course of the last 7 years I went through 3 very traumatic relationships. But before I did, I was a very kind hearted, ambitious, compassionate person with a huge dream of some day finding the love of my life, building a family, and living out the same fairy tale ending that my parents and their parents had before them. I had this perfect image of how my love life would work out and I based it off of what I watched my family build as I grew up. I grew up with a very close, caring, and loving family. So going into adulthood that’s just how I thought things were supposed to be.

I didn’t realize how fucking wrong I truly was and I was no where near prepared for the 7 year long nightmare I was about to go through...

The first of the three stages was when I lost my first true love - the mother of my beloved son. Not only did I loose her along with all my hopes and dreams of having that fairy tale ending. But I lost her while she was still pregnant with my son... So along with the initial pain, my first experience of pregnancy and my introduction to being a father were stripped from me and left me in a state of mind that pushed me into making my FIRST step down the dark I would eventually get lost in. She was what I would eventually call “The First Heartache”

The second stage happened with my next serious girlfriend. She would not only be my second love but would also end up being the girl who would eventually become extremely abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally - she tortured me. She ultimately become what I called “The Abuser”

At this point, my disorder was born and rapidly growing. Coupled with emotional distress and a newly developed addiction to drugs and alcohol, my next relationship would only escalate the problems. She was a drinker, a drug user, and eventually a cheater. Her betrayal lead me down a path filled with an unending urge to stay intoxicated to cure the pain. And even though I should have left both her and the last girl, I didn’t. I was constantly trying to fill the void in my heart left by the first girl. But this third girl was no better than the last. She eventually became what I called “The Drunk Cheater”

By this point, my son was 5 years old. My relationship with him and my family was greatly damaged. I had come off my ADHD medication, struggled to stay employed, struggled with money, wrecked and totaled my vehicle, got into trouble with the law, did time in jail, struggled on and off with addiction to both drugs and alcohol, lost many of my friends... And above all else...

I lost myself...

And I forgot the feeling of remorse... Of empathy... And love...

The person I became and am now is the total opposite of who and what I was 7 years ago. Me then and me now wouldn’t even recognize each other if they met...

And thus, the sociopath was born... And within the dark pit of inhumane emotions, impulses, and urges.. The strongest one was my unending thirst for revenge...

And with that, the player mentality became supreme. And with it every aspect of my life would shift, change, and become centered around an unending cycle of chasing women. It started out as me just having fun and enjoying the single life and eventually evolved to what I do now.

So what do I do? For starters, I supress the monster underneath, I go out and I hunt women. I will often create several dating profiles, all of which with the same pictures, the same information about myself, and it has quickly turned into a game of seeing how many women I can sleep with in the shortest amount of time.

People would probably tell me “You sound like every other typical asshole player.” And it’s partially true, but in my mind I am a hunter. But I don’t hunt with the goal to kill (or hurt these women). I hunt with the goal of capturing and retaining them. I go out with my sociopathic mask, looking friendly, nice, and emotional. I play the part of a good honest man who just wants to settle down. For each individual girl I would learn her, everything about her, I would research her and read her like a book. I would figure out exactly what she wants and needs in a partner and I’d become that to the best of my ability. Once they are lured in I deceieve and manipulate every situation. Slowly and pateintly I shift the mood and create a large amount of sexual tension. I never come off as the creep, I never make them uncomfortable, and I always wait for THEM to make the first move. Why? Because it makes me feel powerful. And when we finally reach the point of having sex the sexual side of my sociopathic tendencies comes out. You see, I don’t care about finishing. It’s not what I look forward to and I don’t need to finish to be happy. The only thing that matters is HER pleasure. In those moments of intercourse I do everything in my physical ability to fuck them in every way they fantasize about. The porn star comes out and my one and only goal is to fuck them to the point where they are physically sore and trembling from orgasms. I want them to have issues walking the next day, I want to rearange their insides, and turn their intestines into soup. It almost never fails and this newly found dark skill has increased my body count from a pathetic 5 (my son’s mom) to a body count of 52 as of this last weekend.

But do I stop there and leave them in the dust? Hell no! I keep them around, I drag them around, and am constantly looking for new targets daily. I keep them around for many reasons - sex, money, drugs, alcohol, transportation, parties, new friends... And some times I’ll keep them around and create friendships with them so I always have someone to talk to or hang out with.

This way I am never bored and can always feed whatever hunger comes into my darkened heart...

I have done so many messed up things. Slept with more than one girl in a single day, slept with a new girl every day of the week, fucked a girl and then fucked her best friend. I’ve made women cheat on their boyfriends and then turned around and hung out with their boyfriends. I’ve made wives cheat on their poor unknowing husbands. Some would find out and their wives would leave them for me. Others would simply ask me to never mention it. Do I respect their wishes? Of course! Like I said. I never purposely treat any of these women poorly. I do this so that I can retain my image as a good and normal man. But more often than not, it’s the sex that makes them come back. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve dicked down. I’ve been with all kinds of girls. Blondes, redheads, burnettes, thick girls, thin girls, small boobs, huge boobs, some who could be porn stars, some who were covered in tattoos and peircings, some were cam girls, some were strippers, some were partiers, drinkers, some were moms, some were church girls, some were younger, some were older... I think the only type of girl I have yet to be with is an Asian... Gunna have to change that...

I’ve been all over the place too. I can’t go to ANY surrounding town from where I live without knowing a girl I’ve fucked there. It’s hard enough when I’m out running errands too, can’t go fucking anywhere without the chance of seeing one of my victims.

All in all, it’s the thrill of the chase, it’s the thrill of knowing what lurks beneath the mask while they remain clueless, it’s the feeling of being so cold and heartless yet have the ability to bring them so many emotions I can’t feel, it’s about giving them the best sex of their lives, it’s about the satisfaction of leashing them along like pets, it’s about POWER and CONTROL. The two fucking things I had so little of when this all started during those 3 toxic and traumatizing relationships.

And in the deepest, darkest corners of my sick mind... In these many moments of deception and manipulation... I trick myself into believing that these poor girls I victimize are my exes.. In an attempt to feel some type or form of revenge to dowse the neverending burning fires of PURE HATRED that have turned my entire world into a place of devastation that is now just as dark as my heart...

For me, women as a whole, are my newly developed drug addiction. When I see them, I don’t see people, I see prey that I can use for whatever benefit I see fit. And if those benefits run out I simply take them to the slaughter house and use them one last time. Rejection doesn’t faze me either. If a single sheep manages to escape my fenced in prison it doesn’t bother me, the herde always consists of between 10-20 women at all times. It’s as easy as a simple hunting trip, which I honestly enjoy. After all, it’s always good to get out every once in a while.

This is what my life has turned into. A never ending sickening cycle of trying to fill in the void within my heart that they left behind those years ago. But in the end that ONE thing that can fill this whole is the one thing I avoid the most - Love...

Yes, my therapist knows about all of this. It’s great because my therapist is a female so it’s nice to be able to share my stories and brag to a girl who’s job is to help me. She probably thinks I’m a fucking piece of shit and I don’t blame her. But she’s a professional and has to help people like me.

We’ve discussed goals throughout therapy on ways for me to relearn the feelings of empathy, remorse, love, and so on... It’s one of many goals and this is the one I have the most trouble with... Part of me wants to change and go back to being normal. But the other part of me wants to keep doing what I do best because it’s just so much damn fun.

So will this part of me ever change? I think so. I hope so. The only other times I went from being a total man whore to a faithful loving man was every time a girl would come into my life who was strong enough to snap me out of dark ways... So far it’s only happened twice. My body count is at 52 and going up more quickly than ever. I’ve spoken to thousands of women, met hundreds, recieved thousands of numbers, thousands of X rated pictures and videos of these women, I’ve had sex thousands of times, and it’s getting to the point where these women just seem to blur together...

There’s little hope of finding a girl strong enough to pull me from the darkness this time. And honestly, I’m okay with it. I am at a point where the darkness is comforting and feels like home...

So this time around.. Not only does she need to be strong enough to pull me out... She needs to be brave enough to venture into a world of total darkness...

[detective-keen]

ZzzZzz Flop - Agatha & Lucas

Where :  Some city in the sky / Agatha’ s mind When : Last night Who : @lucastheunlucky & yours truly @detective-keen

What: Agatha & Lucas share a few thoughts in Agatha’s mind.

Agatha sat on a bench, a book in her lap. She watched as a zeppelin passed, high above her, her hand toying with a pleat in her skirt. The hem grazed the paved floor, dancing above it as she stood up. A stray strand of her hair fell on her shoulder, and she placed it back in her Gibson updo, as she made her way toward the city hall. She was not sure why she was drawn toward it, but this was where her steps where taking her. She passed by a statue of a man with one arm, and if she could feel her guts twist as she turned her back on it, she assumed that this only meant one thing : she was hungry. 

The woman stopped at the bakery to buy a raisin viennoiserie, but the feeling in her guts did not go. From the corner of her eye, she had caught it, once again, this shadow of a person. This was not the first time she saw it. She couldn’t place where she had seen it before, but she knew this was not the first time she was seeing it, and that was a fact. “You,” she exclaimed, ignoring bypassers turning to look at her, clearly disapproving. Unfortunately, the shadow was gone, once again. She searched around her, and found herself tumbling forward. When she stood up, the town in the sky had vanished, and she was getting into a car, with the man from the statue. The one armed man. This does not make anysense, she rubbed at her eyes and sighed with relief as she found herself, once again, in what she thought was her reality. A lively town in the sky, with zeppelins and joyful people passing by.

Lucas kept feeling like these passing people should have faces. They blurred in and out of focus, taking on people he saw once or twice when he had been in the precinct when he was arrested by Officer Roland. Everything in him wanted to push that memory from his mind in well practiced denial and survival. Someone snickered from his left shoulder and he looked over and two people dressed in pleated skirts with police badges hanging loosely on their neck. They were talking behind their covered mouths, eyes darting towards him briefly before they turned slightly to keep talking to themselves. He felt a hint of despair, knowing they were bad talking him, no, someone else. But that emotion burned away as did the environment when a statue in the distance rose up. His heart pounded, but someone on the streets handed him a cold drink and it was warm this high in the sky. He sipped it, noticing it was a milkshake that he hadn’t been able to enjoy with Nic before his attack. “Do you want one?” He asked the person next to him, now having two in his hands. “Drink it quick though. Something bad might happen.”

Drink it quick though. Something bad might happen. The voice sounded familiar, and Agatha immediately found herself tearing up. She had not heard this voice in years, and she thought that she had forgotten the sound it, but no, the moment she heard it, she knew who it belonged to, she knew she had to find him, and to find him, her mind told her that she had to run across these people. That someone in the crowd, somewhere, was her father. Perhaps she dreamt of him because for months, she had hoped that he had gone missing, disappeared, and that the few bits of him they found were proof that he managed to run away, but that Agatha grew out of that quick, coming to term with the terrible mistake he had done, the deaths he had caused. Still, she ran, bumping into people, hoping to catch the messy salt and pepper head of hair her father used to sport. Her chase came to an abrupt halt as she ran headfirst into a man, spilling milkshake on her formerly spotless, wrinkle free blouse, and gasped in horror. “Can’t you be more careful?!” The nerve. She knew damn well she was responsible, but she was pissed off. Not paying too much attention to poor Lucas, she looked around, searching again. Come on, where are you dad? Show yourself, please, she begged, her hand pinching at her nostrils as she felt tears running down her cheeks. 

Lucas watched the milkshake explode in his hands, and he glanced almost eerily calm over as a crossbow bolt exploded the other one and sent it flying into the clouds. “Told you something bad would happen,” as the chill of the ice cream stung his hands, his eyes were a bright, molten ring of gold. Wolfish features gave his bone structure higher peaks, and sharper lines down his jaw. The scent of tears drew his gaze towards Nic who lost his milkshake. Would he cry over it? Luke felt sad about losing the milkshake again too, but it was strange seeing the man tear up. He looked towards the truck that pulled up, seeing men pile out of it, and glanced over to see a woman instead. “Hey, this place is dangerous, you better duck behind something,” Lucas warned, cracking his knuckles ready to fight, “I’m not letting these people get hurt.”

“What?” Agatha looked over her shoulder, looking both offended and disbelieving. “Bitch, I’m no damsel in distress.” The truck that had just arrived looked completely out of place, in the middle of all this late 19th century streets. Her hand instinctively went to her right side, where she usually had her gun holstered, but all she could feel under her finger was the wet fabric and her ribcage. “Shit.” Running out of the street into a home that wasn’t hers, she went straight to where her dream took her, and when she walked out back in the street, next to Mr. Saviour, it was with a loaded blunderbuss in her hands. “Who the fuck are these people,” she asked, taking cover behind a wall.

The city in the sky shuttered, the clouds disjointed into a starry sky then back again like a pixelated rendering. Lucas’ brow twitched, and he frowned as an overwhelming feeling surfaced that he did not want to go through this again. “No, wait-- this isn’t-- right,” he watched her come back with a weapon and with her motions a dense cloud blew in easily, shrouding the place for a second as the truck was suddenly dented and half destroyed when he looked at it. Lucas stood in the middle exposed when she asked. “Hired muscle,” he muttered, “fuck.” He subconsciously tried with all his might to change this, but he could only see a crowd of people happily milling about like there wasn’t any danger. No one else here was reacting to what they were seeing and it was disjointing. “I hate this--” A ring of darkness came out in the far distance and started moving and consuming the happily and peaceful place in a slow threatening crawl. His fists closed tightly. “I have to stop this, all of it. Where are we?”

“Well, no shit Sherlock,” Agatha spat, clearly unsatisfied with that answer. “Who the fuck hired these guys,” standing up, she aimed and shot one of said guys in the leg. It was hard to get information out of dead men after all. Squatting down, she loaded the blunderbuss again, a frown on her face as she watched people around them walk by as if everything was fine. What the fuck, she thought, standing up again to shoot another of these guys. That would be when she saw this dark, weirdly circular cloud coming their way. “Looks like we have a storm coming right our way,” a frown on her face, she took a step back, carefully. “And how exactly are you going to stop … this?” She motioned to what she referred to as clouds. “Where are we? Are you…” She stopped mid-sentence. Where were they? She had no idea. And yet, she knew this place. She felt as if she had spent hours in this city in the sky. “Fuck, I don’t know.”

“Ivor Gotch,” Lucas couldn’t stopped himself from finishing the answer, stress was making his hands shake and the beast was clawing under his skin, and he actually slapped his hand over his mouth as if that would have stopped it from being said. She had taken some good shots, but the firearm’s explosive sound made him sick, and he instinctively flinched. Lucas didn’t know either where they were, it didn’t feel like a place he’s ever been. Though it was beautiful, and it felt if he wanted too, he could make up his mind and go enjoy a nice lunch should he wish it. The looming statue in the background held the person he feared the most. “I don’t know how to stop it, I just know I have too before it’s too late.” He looked at her, the horrid wound on his arm from his wrist to his elbow open and bleeding, a line from a hole near the side of his temple drew a single trail over his eye and down his cheek. Two stains came under his shirt, bleeding through. Luke closed his eyes, always in his nightmares came such profound hopelessness. “Heh, it’s going to be too late. No one saved me the other times. What’s this one matter.”

“What?! That’s the guy from the hospital?!” Agatha remembered reading that name on the papers they had sent her back when Miles spoke to her at the station. What the fuck was going on. Why was she obsessed with this Gotch person ? And who was this guy ? She was pretty sure she did not recognize him but she felt like she had seen him before. “Well that’s great,” and things seemed to be getting greater. Her eyes widened at the sight of blood. “You are bleeding?!” Well no shit Agatha? “Why are you bleeding? When did they…” She was pretty sure that she did not see him getting shot. This did not make any sense. Any other time, she would have been starting to get a headache. “What do you mean? You need bandages, you need help,” she exclaimed. It was not in her habit to panic, but she had no idea where they would find a medic here. The streets were now eerily empty.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Lucas looked down at the wounds and felt nothing. “I don’t feel anything.” Numbness surfaced to these experiences, not ever wanting to relive them, his mind always pushing it away, making it seem less serious than it honestly was. Maybe it was a problem. He glanced at her, confused-- why in the world would this stranger help him? He wiped his cheek, smearing the dampness of red, disoriented from the this entire scene. “Why?” Lucas had said the same thing to Jared, to Winn, to Ariana. So many people that word was directed at, never understanding that he was worth saving. That he didn’t have to keep suffering. “If you help it's just going to end bad for me. How could you stop someone who already got away with so much?” A slightly broken huffed laugh. The statue in the distance rumbled, shifted like its face was turning towards them. Luke shook his head. “I promised to stop feeling like this and it always surfaces anyway.”

“How?  Those look really bad,”  maybe it was bullshit, maybe it wasn’t, but she was going to trust her guts here and call bull. Agatha, taking off her belt, did her best to stop the bleeding with a tourniquet, then getting a handkerchief from her breast pocket, placed it on the wound. “Put you hand on this.” That’s when she noticed  the wounds on his chest and covered her face. “When did you… Why are you bleeding? When?” She did not understand. She was pretty sure that she did not see him get shot, which meant that…. Either he was lying, either she was dreaming. 

A floating city in the sky, the fact that she wore a Gibson hairdo on a 1910’s outfit, the goddamn blunderbuss, hostile people showing up for no reasons, people acting weird? This was definitely a dream, and it was time for her to wake the fuck up.

The world around them was shuttering, like a ripple on the surface of taunt water. Lucas’ subconscious didn’t want to thinking about any of this, and in his bed, he was stirring in familiar ways, trying to wake up. The dark swirl in the distance came closer, an impossible black that seemed to be staring straight into the universe. He dabbed things with the handkerchief, but he knew it wouldn’t really matter. He quickly put his hand on her shoulder. “Hey, listen-- whoever you are, just thanks for sticking up for me there, shooting those guys,” Luke seemed conflicted. With that he left the world they had created, and Luke with a start sat straight up in bed. Breathing heavy, but his hand mocked holding something in his hand.

Lucas blinked a few times, and turned the light on. That face. It was clear in his mind, and something more clung to him. A feeling about his situation he toyed with but never had hope on. 

[femily-thiccinson]

This is going to be long, but there’s something I want to talk about. 

First of all, I am a straight women, I just turned 35, and until very recently, I had been a sex addict for as long as I have been having sex, ie, my entire adult life. And in fairness, I still AM a sex addict, but I consider myself to be in recovery now, as I very consciously resist my compulsions and am working towards healing. It is very hard though - all the same anxieties, insecurities, desires, and fears that drove my sex addiction continue to disturb me; I have received virtually no therapy for this condition specifically, and I know I desperately need it, but I have no job right now becuz global pandemic, and I have no medical insurance (yea ‘murica). I also have a lot of anxiety surrounding simply making an appointment, and trying to find a decent therapist, and certainly I have anxiety about all the things I have to talk about but truly wish I could just forget and never have to speak about again. I also have bipolar, which has exacerbated the sex addiction, and in turn, the sex addiction has worsened the bipolar. 

As a radfem, I am absolutely opposed to the sex industry, including porn of course, but with my sex addiction I also had a serious porn addiction that I still struggle with. I’ve really only been calling myself a “radical feminist” for 2 years. In many ways I always have been, but I bought into much of the lib fem rhetoric over the years with regards to porn and sex work and sex “positivity”. And BDSM. All of these things absolutely directly affected my sex addiction, making it so much worse, so much more difficult to untangle myself from. The shame I feel is unreal. 

We definitely talk a lot about the sex industry and porn on radblr, which includes discussing porn addiction as it relates not only to men, but to women as well, but one thing I don’t believe I’ve ever seen discussed is sex addiction as it’s experienced by women. I only know a couple other sex addicts, and they are men; I know no women with sex addiction. So I feel quite alone. I have a few female friends who can relate on a certain level, women who’ve been especially promiscuous, who gained and sought validation through sex, maybe compulsively. Who have been taken advantage of by men countless times because of this. This in and of itself is not uncommon; in fact it is unsettlingly ubiquitous. 

But I completely and utterly lost myself in this, for the entirety of my sexually formative years through til this day. My entire sexuality feels broken, depraved, and otherwise irreparably damaged. Since I am straight, 99% of my partners have been men and I only fucked women in group sex scenarios, because, well, that’s just what i felt i had to do in those situations. I’m not in the least sexually attracted to women, though honestly, I wish were, simply so i would never have to have sex with a man ever again. I mean, I COULD choose to never have sex with a man ever again, but frankly, sex and sexual love is too important to me to want to relinquish entirely. Afterall, I became a sex addict not just because of compulsions or insecurities, but because at base level, I am a passionate and highly sexual person and I always have been ever since i was a child; and NOT in a fucked up way, I mean like, in a perfectly innocent way that I discovered all on my own. I figured out how to masturbate to orgasm at about age 2 or 3 (it’s literally my first clear memory) just playing around by myself. 

Honestly my sexuality was pure and good until i started having sex. I wasn’t sexually abused as a child, and though I began to experience sexual harassment around puberty, the vast bulk of sexual abuse I have experienced was during my years as a sex addict. And because I’m straight, my partners have virtually all been men, and fuck, I have seen the DARKEST shit in men. But my deepest shame comes from knowing everything that I let these men do to me, things I let them do repeatedly, that I went back for REPEATEDLY; that I continued to willingly fuck men who abused me, who i KNEW were abusing me, that I let men rape me more times than i can count or remember. 

that was very hard to type out. this whole thing’s been a complete rant, but my point is, I want to heal from this, and it feels like I never will. since I can’t get therapy right now, I spend a lot of time reading about abuse and trauma, and I get most of my materials from the radfem community. But like I’ve said, I’ve encountered nothing about female sex addiction through a radical feminist lense. So, if anyone has reading materials to share, books, articles, anything, or has any of their own experiences to contribute or wants to reach out, please do! I want support for myself of course, but I want to support other women as well!

[peonybane]

Agape And Pragma: Prologue

Pairings: OT7 (BTS) x Reader

Word Count: 1.9 k (damn this is short)

Genre: Hybrid AU, Fluff, Angst, Sci-Fi, Smut (maybe)

Summary: Your entire world had be torn asunder by just one lab test. Time heals all wounds, but does it really? What will it take to feel whole again?

Warning: Mentions of cheating, loss of fertility and it’s psychological consequences.

Hybrid Types: Golden Retriever Hoseok, Great Dane Taehyung, and French Lop Eared Rabbit Jungkook... with more to come.

a/n: So, I wrote roughly 10,000 words of this whole thing in one day. This was not suppose to be my first published series, but here we are. The prologue is VERY angsty, but I do think it’s important enough to read as it gives context for everything else.

It was about 60 years ago, the U.N. approved of the Genetic Freedom Initiative. The GFI was meant to set the standard in morality in human genetic research worldwide, allowing researchers to explore every lead… no matter where it took them. But the opposite was achieved— it destroyed the any shed of scientific ethics left in that field. 

At first, it was thought that the initiative would open the doorway to the genetic advancement of the human species for the better. Imagine, genetic diseases just gone. Cystic Fibrosis? Wiped out. Hemophilia? A thing only read about in text books. Tay-Sachs disease? Never heard of it. Even things like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, while not necessarily life threatening, became a distant memory. 

Then came the genetic modifications to ‘improve’ the individual. You want your child to be a musical progeny? Here’s a genetic mutation that will increase their ability to differentiate tone and increase hand eye coordination. Want your child to be an Olympic swimmer? Here’s the genetic cocktail for a long wing span and an increase in lung capacity.

Initially, the world thought that genetic modification would not gain much traction as how costly it was. But all that changed when a team of scientists in Japan created not only a new, cheaper alternative to testing for certain genes, with a 97% positive identification rate, but also a method of implementing the genetic modifications with 95% success rate. Sweden was the first country to take this new method and basically gave the tests out for free to expecting couples to see if their child would be born with a life threatening condition. Sweden then heavily subsidized the procedure to alter the baby’s DNA if the parent or parents wished for it. This quickly made it affordable, not just the modification to prevent diseases, but also the ‘improvements.’

The rest of the world soon followed.

It’s funny. Every genocide in history is birth from two things: good intentions and arrogance.

Humanity thought that because it could take control of its destiny— of nature…. We were arrogant. We believed we could play God and throw the rules that were put into place, the rules that were put into place to protect us, back in Mother Nature’s face. Oh how devastating were the consequences. 

After the ‘improvements,’ came the perverting of genetic modification. ‘Enhancements,’ they were called. The modifications were to improve us, and at first they truly were. Better eyesight borrowed from falcons. Sense of balance from cats. Scientists dabbled in bats’ sense of hearing.

Because of the new Genetic Alteration Boom, no one loud enough took a moment to stop and ask, “Is this right? Should we slow down?”

If they had… the genocide could’ve been prevented.

When the first, ‘enhanced’ babies were born, there was an unintended consequence: their appearance was slightly altered to resemble whatever animal their DNA was spliced with (these features having not been noticed on ultrasounds as they were either still underdeveloped or were written off as shadows). Even as scientists tried to keep the results under wraps, knowing that things would not end well, it was already too late. The world was taken by ‘Hybrid Fever.’

Everyone wanted their children to have cute rabbit ears. Or the graceful legs of a gazelle. Or have the wings of an owl. Or the gils of a shark. It didn’t matter. Ethics had died.

Almost 20 years after the first Hybrid was born, Humanity finally discovered the consequences of playing God: a fourth of the world’s population was infertile, all of them Hybrids. 

Generations had been lost. Capable, loving people were robbed of a joy. All because of Humanity’s desire to play God.

When the news came out that Hybrids were infertile, the genetics industry practically committed suicide. The only remnants left appear to be only… government experiments and black market dealings. What are they doing in th—

You stopped reading. Why the hell did Liam think this would be something you’d be interested in reading? Sure you were interested in his field of work but come on. This was depressing as hell and honestly, you knew most of this from your parents.

There was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

In stepped the doctor and you put your phone away, still seething a little at the article your best friend had sent you.

“Hello, how you today, ma’am? Good to see you again.”

“You too, Dr. Yoon. I’m fine, though I was a bit surprised to receive your office’s call to come in. I thought you usually did consultations on the phone?”

The smile on Dr. Yoon’s face died. She became stiff and the air became heavy. She took a moment and pursed her lips. “I’m sorry.”

Dr. Yoon handed you a paper. It had your lab results as well as your pap smear results. You looked at the numbers and the write-ins. No… this couldn’t be right. It couldn’t be! “W-What is this? This isn’t what… I think it is? Is it?”

“Your fallopian tubes have been severely damaged. I don’t think we can fix it.”

“W-Why— What caused this?”

“In your case we think it’s pelvic inflammatory disease… your general practitioner misdiagnosed it was an UTI… but it wasn’t. You only exhibited symptoms similar to UTI. And your GP took your word that you and your partner are exclusive. I think you had chlamydia. But the antibiotics killed it, but not before it reached your fallopian tubes.”

“B-But h-how could… how could’ve I gotten it? My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. And we were clean when started having sex. We went to the same clinic together to get tested!”

But deep down you knew… you knew Taka had been lying to you. Been lying about the business trips. About the late nights at work… all those weekends spent at the office. You just accepted it because… because you just wanted him to be happy. Besides, you were used to being alone. Why would this be any different?

You wanted to be angry, you really did, but all you could do is mourn the loss of your children… children that would never be. The children that you’d been looking forward to almost forever. You had always believed that love and life were the greatest things in the world… how could you not want children… but that dream… that dream now laid dead. 

Dr. Yoon placed her hand on your shoulder. “Is there anyone you want me to call? I don’t want you to be alone right now.”

You shook your head. “No… no I have someone I can call.”

“Alright, dear. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”

She nodded her as she stepped out of the room. Immediately, you pulled out your phone, dialing the one number you could think of. You waited a few moments before you heard the familiar voice, “Hey, Shortstack, you miss me?”

“Li—“ you paused taking a deep breath. “Liam? Can you come pick me up?”

The usual playful tone was gone. “Shortstack? What’s wrong?”

“I’m at the OB/GYN. Could you please just come get me.”

You heard the jingle of keys in the background. “What’s wrong? Where’s Taka? Why isn’t he with you?”

All too quickly and sharply, you replied, “Fuck Taka!”

There was a pause. “I’ll be there in 15. Hang tight.”

You hummed a sound on confirmation. Liam cut the call and you left the examination room. After paying for your visit, she sat waiting for Liam, your results clutched in your hand, the other unconsciously rubbing the spot on your stomach where life should’ve been created. You were like a seesaw, swinging between anguish and numbness. Your mind granting you spells of blankness, no thoughts in your head. Nothing to bury yourself even further. 

When Liam picked you up, he managed to pry the results from your hand, the look on your face making it evident that you were in no mood to talk about what was wrong. Looking over the results (being medically trained had its advantaged), Liam cursed, scaring the bejesus out of a pair of old ladies. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

Before Liam could do anything else, you latched onto his jacket. He looked down at you and into your hollow eyes. “C-Can I stay at your place, just for tonight?”

“Shortstack, you can stay as long as you want. Let’s go.”

You nodded, letting Liam guide you to his car. Once in the car, you let you head rest on the doorframe, closing your eyes as the world around you both whizzed by. 

Once you were at Liam’s place, he guided you into the house. Nothing could shake you out of you stupor, not even the excited sounds of one of Liam’s roommates, Hoseok. He shouted your name in glee, having not seen you in what felt like ages. Before Liam could protest, Hoseok pulled you into a hug, his fluffy tail wagging at a million miles per hour as it smacked against the verdana in the entry way. 

When you didn’t hug back like you normally did, Hoseok pulled away from you, looking down at your face in concern, his tail drooping down and his ears folding back against his head.

“Hobi, why don’t you take her to the couch and start a movie? I think it’s a movie and puppy pile night tonight.”

Hoseok was about to open his mouth to inquire, especially since Taka didn’t like it when they did puppy pile night, so they stopped doing it. Liam shook his head, telling him no silently— that he’d explain later. Liam headed towards the kitchen, getting a tub of ice cream ready.

As Hoseok guided you to living room, he had you sit down. He helped you remove your shoes and wrapped you in a blanket. You were in too much shock to be much of any help. After settling down next to you and pulling you into cuddle (where you proceeded to finally relax), the front door opened and two voices could be heard entering, both wondering where that salty acidic smell was coming from. Liam intercepted them and told them to go join the puppy pile. A few moments later (after removing their shoes and jackets), the other two Hybrids entered the room. The sight before them ensuring that there was to be no questions at the moment.

Jungkook walked over and joined you on your other side from Hoseok, letting his long floppy ears cushion his head against your shoulder as he wrapped his arm around your waist, little cotton tail twitching as he finds a comfortable position to be in. Taehyung join the fold, sitting down on the ground in front of the couch, resting his cheek against your lap, whimpering lowly as he stroked your knee. You slowly brought your hand to his floppy ears, rubbing them. He let out a content sigh, his tail lightly thrumming against the floor. 

The tension in the room began to dull… and the tears started to fall silently. The boys just sat there, surrounding you in their love and comfort, not knowing what was causing you this grief. 

Liam stood in the doorway, leaning against it, watching you all. His heart was breaking for you. There were two things that you wanted nothing more in the world: to be someone’s one and only, and to have children. Both of those dreams were cruelly taken from you.

As always, reviews, comments, asks, and tags are always loved! ~Peony

Next (Chapter 1) --->

Agape and Pragma Masterlist

Masterlist

All rights reserved. © Copyrighted 2019.

[punk-of-the-opera]

Okay so I'm gonna finally open up about why I switched schools.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING HERE

In the middle of 9th grade, I was a very depressed kid. I had gone to the psych ward back in 2018, but it wasn't helping. I had so many undiagnosed issues, mental and physical. I had never dealt with the abuser I mention a lot in my vents, he came later. The only things I dealt with were my overwhelming dysmorphia and bullying for so many reasons at school.

So, on March 18th, 2018, I tried to kill myself.

It was really an impulsive decision, I'd been crying for help and nobody could hear me. My girlfriend at the time was begging me not to, but I just couldn't handle the stuff I was dealing with.

So I downed 11 acetaminophen tablets and waited. The whole time my girlfriend was texting my parents (who were at work) what was going on.

She convinced me to call 911, so I did, explaining to my 13 year old sister that the paramedics were coming because I had downed all those pills.

God my stomach hurt so badly.

But the ambulance, police, and parents came. There I was shipped off in an ambulance to the hospital, all the while woozy as fuck.

There I drank charcoal, I'm lucky I didn't have to get my stomach pumped.

I spent the night in a hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines, IV in my arm, texting my girlfriend on my dad's phone.

The next morning, they transferred me to the psych ward, the worst one I've ever been to.

I got put in the girls ward, due to my bisexuality and how the guys there would absolutely harass and assault me for it (this place was mostly for violent behavior issues and teens going through drug rehab).

I didn't mind staying with the girls, they were nice and calm and all.

Through the whole experience, I wrote over 100 pages of a journal to my girlfriend, I still have the book.

God, it was awful there, always kids getting into fights, adults trying to escape, and the worlds most uncomfortable chairs.

Finally, I got out, and immediately had to attend school the next day.

Why did I change schools? So my parents could watch over and keep track of me, they both work for the school in the next county over from where I live.

My relationship with my girlfriend was fine, I regret ever putting her through that kind of pain, she deserves so much better.

I'm choosing to attend this other school for the rest of highschool. Not only are the classes easier, I got a fresh start. I could be a new person, I made some of my best friends.

I'm still friends with one person from that school, the best friend ever who's stuck by my side since the first day of 6th grade.

But anyway, that's basically my story. I later got diagnosed with OCD so that helped a lot with getting on the right medication. I got a new therapist and psychiatrist and while my mental health isn't the best right now, things are moving forward. Slowly but surely.

To end things off, enjoy a glowup of Mira (bff) and me. Truly my best friend forever, one of the only ones who's stuck by my side. <3

Oh god this had to be like, what? 6-7th grade?

To now:

Yes, I know we're in cosplay, but it's the only good pics I have of us together recently lol! I'd say we both had a glow up.

Thank you if you read all of this! My journey might not be as interesting as others, but I felt the need to tell it.

Just remember, you're so very loved.

<3

Erik.

[madlymiho]

Oh oh, yes, @soul-stealer-reaper I can totally write something like that ! I chose to go for the first scenario where Law and his s/o can't have a moment together!

Hope you'll like this sin ~

Words : 1670

Warning : NSFW

Law scenario (read after the cut)

Law is in a very bad mood. You’re back from a mission, for already two weeks now, after almost three months apart, and still, nothing has worked the way he wanted. First, the first night after your long journey, Bepo has been sick. Well, it’s not his fault after all, you can’t really plan when you’re about to have a burning fever and some awful shivers, but still, it has ruined his plan. The day after, Law has been summoned by Luffy somewhere else, and he has been away for four more days, feeling how powerful his excitement was growing any time he was thinking about you. Yet, it was only four days, and soon enough, he would be able to get back to your wonderful body and those adorable little noises he’s the only one to cause. But no. Shashi and Penguin has set the roof of the sub on fire, experimenting one of Usopp’s gun, and he has been there as a captain, to prevent anymore damages on his precious metal boat. Two more days of repairs were adding on his frustration list.

Two weeks. Two weeks where you walk in front of him, with that delicious rump he craves to spank, and your playful stare which is enough to make him hard. He has tried to jerk off in the bathroom, between one or two chores, but clearly, it wasn’t enough. It can’t be enough when you’re around everyday. Fact is, Law also knows how much you want him as well. You always fondle his thigh under the diner table, or wear sexier outfit just to feel his hungry stare on your curves. He knows that you can’t wait anymore as well, and it has the effect to ruin his mood. He’s so pissed than even Bepo can’t make him smile when he offers him a friendly hug, worried about his captain constant angry stare.

Reading some medical informations, Law is focus on his last task of the week. He hopes that he would get rid of it any time soon, so he can have at least a proper night of sleep. He pinches his lips when he hears a timid knock on his lab door, already expecting another bad news. Yet, as a captain, he can’t truly refuse his help, so he lets lose a frustrated sigh and mumbles a grumpy “come in”. At the edge of his vision, he recognizes your beautiful features, and lazily turns his head to offer you what he hopes to be a soft smile. You seem tired, dark circles marking your eyes.

“Are you alright?” Law asks, pushing his book far from him as he invites you to join him, extending his hand.

“Mmh, Bepo is better,” You yawn, accepting his invitation, joining him to seat on his lap. “He’s asleep now.”

Law nods, closing his notebook as well, his lips finding their way to the crook of your neck.

“And what about Penguin and Uni?”

You frown and look at his concentrated face, which is still pressing urgent kisses on your skin.

“Mmh, what about them? They have a shift on the deck for about a hour.”

Law smiles against your neck, then he lifts his chin up and looks at you with hungry eyes, biting his bottom lips for a second.

“So, everyone is either asleep, or busy with a night shift…” Law whispers, his fingers on your hips suddenly pressing your skin slightly stronger.

You smirk, now understanding Law’s intentions, your own digits fondling his raven hair.

“Yes, captain, it seems we have finally a green light.”

This is enough to change Law’s stare into something more bestial, while he immediately grabs you under your thigh, and makes you seat on his desk. You feel his urge, his body all flushed against yours, his hands already working hard to remove your top, throwing it somewhere in the room. He lips find their way to yours, his tongue already forcing its way in, his breathing heavier than before. His hands skim your body, fondling your breasts with an intense touch, going down to unbelt your short, sliding it down on the floor while you’re now only wearing your underwears. He has never been so hurry before, but you don’t mind, craving his body as much as he craves yours. He pushes on your hips, bringing you at the edge of the desk, causing a loud growl when your core is suddenly pressed against his hard arousal. He can’t help but play with you a little, his fingers sliding down to find your damp core, pressing them on your panties, your moans now clearly audible in the lab room. For a moment, he stops his gestures, feeling too hot to remain fully dressed, removing his sweater, but also his jeans, before he gets back to your wonderful body.

Usually, he would be more patient, almost too slow with you, building this everlasting fire in your belly while he works on your with his tongue or his fingers. Yet, after all those days of deep frustration, you feel that Law is slightly different, urging, almost primal when he touches you. He cups your breasts with more heavy gestures, pulling down your bra to free your nipples, his digits playing with them almost rawly. You gasp, trying your best to touch him as well, but he doesn’t let have any access to his hardness, focus on his own desires and the pleasure he could offer. Still kissing you, Law finally puts his hand in your panties, his digits circling your nub, enjoying the many moans and groans you’re doing at the moment.

“You’re so wet already…,” he can’t help but whisper, parting his lips for a moment, before he digs his mouth in the crook of your neck, napping your skin shamelessly.

You only hum in approbation, grabbing his wrist to push his fingers a little bit down, until he accepts your silent request and digs one of them inside your damp core. He breathes heavily against your skin, his lips tracing an invisible line to from you neck to your earlobe, before he bites it gently, pushing another digit in. He eventually accepts your own fingers on his arousal, feeling that you need to touch him as well, your hand grabbing the edge of his underwear to push the material down on his thighs. His cock bumps against his belly, and you don’t waste anymore time, as you circle it at its base, jerking him off while he scissors and twists his fingers inside of you. He growls, louder than usual, seeking for your lips as you both increase the pace. He sometimes bites your bottom lips, tenderly watching you with passionate eyes, his arousal filling the room with a warm and primal atmosphere. He suddenly grabs your wrist and stops your gestures, unable to resist to your perfect movements anymore, as he slowly removes his own fingers as well.

“Turn around,” Law snarls with a husky voice, helping you to get down of the table, his hands on your hips, escorting your rotation. “On your tip-toe.”

You immediately follow his order, your ass going up in the air, as you bend your body on the desk, offering him a perfect view of your dripping core and your butthole. He hums, his hands massaging your ass for a moment, his cock bumping against your entrance, teasing you viciously. You almost want to tell him that it’s enough, but Law is already in a rush, and he fills you with one powerful thrust, going deep inside of you. You gasp, the desk moving under your body, as he slowly moves, almost entirely pulling out of your core, to thrust once again, almost violently. You feel deliciously tight for him, and Law can’t help but let lose a deep sigh, his hands still holding your hips to escort his movements. After a second, he starts to settle a regular but powerful pace, his hips banging against your ass, creating lusty and fleshy sounds all over the room. He growls, his skin reacting to your every moan, a river of goosebumps invading his spine.

“Fuck…,” Law groans, increasing his pace, unable to restrain his movements. “You feel so good…”

“Law, please, harder!” You desperately beg, turning your head for a second just to stare at his blissful features.

He smirks, ready to give it all, since he feels that he can’t truly last long after so many weeks far from your body. He grabs your shoulder and helps you to stand back up, your back colliding with his chest, so he can cup your breasts and plays with it while he takes you strongly. He makes you turn your head, enough to crush his lips against yours, your messy kiss nothing more but clenching teeth and desperate moans. He quickly abandons your breasts to slide his hand down, directly pressing your swollen nub, his hips thrusting hard inside of you. He smiles, feeling how much you’re tensed under his touch, ready to reach a powerful climax, soon enough, his digits circling your clit shamelessly.

Finally, you quiver on your legs, melting under his touch as your core becomes suddenly awfully tight for him, thousand of spasms travelling through your body. Law furrowed his eyebrows, unable to contain himself anymore, filling your womb with his seed, groaning against your lips. For a moment, you remain breathless, both of you riding out your orgasms, before he eventually pulls out and helps you to find a better position. He cups your jaw and drags you against his chest, stealing a chast kiss from your swollen and red lips.

“Captain!” Someone suddenly yells in the middle of the corridor. “Captain! Jean Bart fell from his hammock and destroyed the boys’ room floor! We need your help!”

Law throws a deadly stare at the door, still holding you strongly, while you can’t help but to let lose a little laugh. Definitely, he would always be a busy captain.