#like there's not really... post grad in this program i don't think. even though it's 6 years

[irhabiya]

on the medicine thing — when i lived in india there was a board exam to get into an undergraduate med where they prepared u for graduate med school. and then there was a graduate medical exam also. and a residency etc after that. not sure why they made it so complicated

wahhh that's so crazy omg? sounds so stressful :(

here it's like, you do your admission fresh out of high school, you get accepted, you spend 6 years studying, divided into preclerkship and clerkship phases, there's board exams like usmle throughout your entire education. by year 6, if you pass the board exam + pass university finals, you graduate and get your MD then apply for residency that's it

[iantimony]

not quite the last tuesday of 2024

except it's Wednesday! Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, Happy Chanukah to my fellow yids, and happy normal-ass day to everyone!

listening: I have compiled the ultimate 2024 Tuesday playlist in which I put every single song (or one song from an album) that I mentioned in my weekly posts this year! it is Nine And A Half Hours Long and has such hits as Borodin and Kendrick Lamar!! enjoy if you dare!

playlist!

TDH live cover of don't let me down….very good

reading: It’s hard to fathom the selfishness of our graduate students, linked in a grad advocacy group chat that I'm in. like. it has to be rage bait right. it's so insane to read. don't touch if you don't want to be angry. it's really really stupid. the luxuries that we all crave in grad school, like being able to afford to visit parents. ok.

Ancient faeces reveal how ‘marsh diet’ left Bronze Age Fen folk infected with parasites: dunno why I read this but sure

List of classical music concerts with an unruly audience response: came up in a conversation about the Rite of Spring and I wanted to see what else. really funny. "The audience threw program notes at Cowell and clambered onto the stage, leading to a large physical altercation and the arrest of over 20 audience members."

I Can’t Stop Watching This Woman Revive and Swatch Old Nail Polish: very charmed by this. the color in the header image is really really pretty.

fanfic: On Being Female (nomadicwriter): Discworld fanfic about Carrot! really cute.

watching: watched "Shiva Baby" with some friends. this movie stressed me out which I know was the intended response, but, augh! I know all these women IRL! extremely painfully NYC Jewish.

last min knit & handmade gift inspo for procrastinators (starcrossedknits): when I briefly thought about making some shit last-minute and chose to buy candles from a local shop instead.

the crochet hunger games: how a star shaped blanket broke the internet (Cinema Knits): yeah. yeah. good conversation about what accessibility actually means.

Exposing the Honey Influencer Scam (MegaLag): making it so that closing the "no deals found" popup window resets the affiliate cookies is DIABOLICAL.

playing: did the last dnd for the year - as much as I bitch moan and gripe I have enjoyed running for this group, I am realizing.

making: I have mailed out sooo many holiday cards so I think I can probably post this now. the holiday card of 2024!

that one is slightly larger (5x7) to be framed for my mom; the rest were a respectable 5.5x4.25 (aka a sheet of standard paper cut into quarters; I love my guillotine so much). ignore how different the nose is, I definitely did not manually smudge out a mistake on every card.

these were done using Charbonnel block printing ink in ultramarine. Here is an example of the shitty speedball water-based ink:

I don't actually mind some texture but ughhh the patchiness. and printing more than two or three in a row was a fucking nightmare. the oil-based ink is definitely way easier to work with but the drying time on it is INSANE. days and days and days. I gave up and just handed them out/mailed them as they were even though they could still technically be smudged, and I bet when they arrive the ink will still not be totally cured, so fair warning to everyone who receives one from me, lol. no idea how to speed that process up - I was reading that it could be because it is a water-washable oil-based ink, which is crucial for me working from home without a real setup or solvents but apparently that compound can drastically increase drying time? I dunno. I tried zapping one in a very low heat oven for a bit which didn't help, and I saw something about using cornstarch so I might try that tonight. I also wonder if an oil paint fixative spray would help??? I tried to do some googling and reddit-searching about it but didn't see anyone trying that, and I don't really want to commit to a whole can of the stuff just to try it out…

eating: made Leftover Cranberry Sauce Muffins with Oat Streusel Topping with, you guessed it, leftover cranberry sauce. technically from thanksgiving but it was the canned stuff and looked and smelled fine, so. the muffins are just okay, a little dry, definitely edible though. I got like 15 muffins out of it rather than the stated dozen. also had Chinese food for Christmas Eve, as is customary :-) otherwise I am scraping by this week as I'll be out of town for two weeks visiting family starting on Saturday.

misc: the year is coming to a close…nearly there…..might post the last Tuesday of the year on Monday instead because the last day of the year happens to fall on a Tuesday, so that way my yearly round-up summary can be on the 31st! wow! exciting!

[bigtreefest]

Hi Essie!

I was just reading your post on your application and this is just a thought -- you don't have to respond at all if you don't like this idea!! this idea is purely my CPH4 brain talking I swear I have nothing to do with this lol

So, a young man (okay maybe not so young he was born four years ahead of you according to his page in the uni website ) with some very serious frowning becomes your thesis supervisor at the end of the term. He taught one lesson that you attended and you didn't know him very well besides his name. He rarely speaks, always listening to your presentation/answer, and very occasionally asking "do you have any questions for me?"

Nevertheless, you have impressive GPA and at the end of that term, you decided to apply for a PhD. You already have two letters of recommendation, one from a professor that you have known for two years during your Master's, one from a professor that supervised your Bachelor thesis and teaching a few courses that you attended.

But this damn Graduate School that you want to get in requires THREE. THREE FUCKING RECOMMENDATION LETTERS. And it specifically requires the letter from your dissertation supervisors.

You ask, not with much hope, your current supervisor, the lecturer with a very serious frowning look on his face, whether he could provide you a letter of recommendation.

To which he responded, texting back in a matter of seconds.

-Ofc. When do you need it? Send your transcripts btw.

NOW, the question is: Is he

or

or

----I just thought it'd be hilarious if he's very serious during class and meetings while he's basically any 20-somethings when texting you and discussing things that he shouldn't be sharing with you (like the content of your recommendation letter, or the fact that three recommendation letters is absolutely worthless even though he's providing one for you, or that because another professor is cranky and possibly stealing work from their students, you def shouldn't be choosing him as your doctor supervisor)

Oh I absolutely adore this ask! Thank you so much for sending this in, I unfortunately know the hierarchy of academia too well which is why I honestly think I would be rolling my eyes at these standards, too. I took the prompt and ran with it. 😂

I wanna talk about the other two options before I get to my choice. All below the cut bc it’s long.

Let’s discuss Ari:

Throughout Ari’s undergrad degree, he played football and was greatly interested in world policies, so everyone thought once his sports career and degree was over, he’d be ready to get out there. Nope. He really wasn’t sure where to start, so instead, he decided to keep going with schooling.

His grades were just good enough for him to get into the program you were applying to now. Varsity athletics looked great on the application and his charm was the extra boost. Now that he’s in it though, it’s been almost seven years instead of the usual four to five. Part of it is him going in without much of a plan, wanting to try every avenue, while the other is him just not caring enough to push further and just finish the degree. He’s getting paid just enough to get by and no one has threatened to kick him out, so he enjoys the coasting and the free time it gives for him to look into his actual passions.

Part of the PhD program is all of the grad students sitting in a room grading exams of undergrads every few weeks, and during this, Ari really shows his personality. They have to sit there for hours on end, and it can get boring, so Ari will tell stories to the kid next to him to pass the time, except the room is so quiet that everyone hears. These will range from the various dates with odd girls, to that time he saw a video of someone cooking salmon in the dishwasher, so he tried it out. “It was pretty decent. I swear it’s Kosher! I would do it again if it didn’t take so long.”

Any time he gets trusted to teach, which is rare since his advisor doesn’t really want it in order to guarantee the kids are being taught correct content, questions are not answered very well. It’s either with a “hell if I know. Use google. That’s how they do it in the real world.” Or “wait for the professor to get back. This isn’t my expertise.” Both technically valid, but not what a younger student wants to hear from someone in a position of authority.

Star Student Steve:

Steve was born for upper-level studies. He’s been ready to graduate essentially since getting into the program, knowing exactly what he wanted to research right off the bat. He knows all the content well and is well-liked by students and professors alike. The undergrads have a habit of ogling him and crowding his office hours, so you never even bothered to go. Pending his early graduation, he’s already been offered a job at the university with a full federal research grant, which he could use to travel or gain equipment for his projects. He’s probably considering this, unless one of the prime companies/agencies gives him a better offer. He can’t wait for the opportunity to make new rules and discoveries in the field, just needs to find the best route to get him there. (Talk about a CPH4 brain, haha)

With all of this going on, though, he doesn’t have time for much else. Sure, he’s very kind, but he’s always on the move. Students are not his first priority right now if he wants everything in place to be successful and make history. When it comes to picking an advisor, everyone wants Steve, but after hearing all that, and the standard he might hold you to without giving you the time of day to reach that level, do you really want him?

My wonderful choice Curtis:

(Even before I saw my options, this description was screaming ‘Curtis’ to me.)

He’s definitely the kind of silent student who puts his head down and does his work because it’s difficult stuff. Some may say it’s even more difficult than Steve’s if they knew what Curtis actually did, but he’s so silent and keeps it to himself unless he’s asked. It’s not because he doesn’t want to share, it’s more because when he’s interacting with students, he understands his job is to help them first and foremost. Although Curtis may have been busy, he never rushed and made sure his full attention was on the task or person at hand.

All the Professors know Curtis and really like him for his work ethic and ability to maintain balance and remain a grounded person, except he’s just not a poster boy like Steve. For this reason, his advisor trusts him enough to teach certain classes since Curtis parses out his time well and not only knows the content, but cares about it deeply. At the end of his lectures, though, when he asks for questions, it’s radio silence. Perhaps it’s because he taught the material so well, but even Steve and Ari get the odd question about their research or last Sunday’s football game. Curtis gets disinterested stares until he dismisses everyone. Office hours are pretty quiet, too, until right around exam time when a few students come to him for help since everywhere else was so full. After seeing how helpful he is, yourself included, they keep going back to him, keeping it to themselves, though, keeping him their hidden secret gem.

The lack of recognition Curtis gets is a shame, though, because he’s so nice. Actually, not just nice, but genuinely kind. When you were assigned with him as your advisor, you weren’t really sure what to do. Not many talked about him and the stoic demeanor was a little intimidating, until you actually spoke with each other. He was so sweet and engaged, asking you questions and providing guidance not only on what he thought might work the best, but how to go about it and how to properly convey ideas to the committee panel members at the end. He gave you his phone number, too, in case you needed any help at all, saying he’d pick up anytime.

When you asked him for your letter of recommendation, he was elated. “No one has ever come to me for that before, but ofc. When do you need it? Send your transcripts btw. And your resume.”

Curtis was right, though, he had never had to be the voice of authority vouching on someone’s behalf since up until this point, he was in your exact shoes. “Don’t be nervous to ask questions, but I also don’t want you to think that I’ve got all the answers and you’re not good enough. The only difference between you and me academically is like four classes content-wise. I just have more hands-on experience.” He said it with a soft, reassuring smile that really put you at ease.

He’s aware of the system, and of course he hates it, because he knows what it’s like to be at the bottom. Throughout his time putting together your recommendation, he’s messaging you with updates. “I’m going to add this because they really like to see it specifically highlighted,” or “I’m not even sure what they’re asking here, but it’s fucking stupid if you ask me. Conventions like this are ridiculous. I hate that these decisions are made by people who aren’t even on the ground. If they actually took part in this program, they’d see you’re more than qualified to get into it. But no, for some reason, all important decisions are made by old people so far removed from actual work.”

That second one was in person, though. It wouldn’t look good to have him saying those things in writing. He rolls his eyes before switching back to his reassuring, charming self.

“Anyway, don’t worry. I’ll make sure it’s good.”

And then as he sits down to write, he constantly sends you lines from it. “Does this sound too braggy? Am I hyping up your work too much? I feel like it wouldn’t be fair if I was casual about it, but we’re rocking with a lot of enthusiasm right now and idk where the line is where it’ll seem insincere.😅”

You tend to hang around Curtis a lot while you’re working on finishing up. On small work breaks, he tells you about the weird little things the other PhD students have sent to his email. “I’m what, four years older than you? And so are these other guys, but I swear they act like they’re twelve.” It helps you to laugh at his small little complaints in a time of building stress. He lets you into his life and you see he’s a normal person, just a few years older than you. He’s the whole reason you know about Ari and the dishwasher salmon, and he helps to break down the barriers you feel against everyone in his program that seems to know so much. Half of your conversation is weird everyday things about his life you’re sure no one else has given him the space to talk about. “You texted me while I was watching the hockey game, they were losing anyway so I was grateful to do something else.” He was in the city…at the actual hockey game…drinking a beer and scrolling emails…. Or “my apartment has a no pet policy, but my roommate got a cat, so I hope you don’t mind the little guy joining us today. Just while the landlord does some maintenance so we don’t get kicked out.” He’s half shuffling through the papers on his desk, half giving you an amused smile thinking of the whole situation. Of course, it can’t all be personal, though, so he continues to sprinkle advice in here and there.

“Also, if you wanna keep your sanity around here, keep away from Levinson’s advisor. Not only is he just straight-up a ridiculous man, but he won’t push you if he likes you. And if he hates you, you’ll know it a mile away. That’s why I never chose him for my committee meeting.”

As you prepare to defend your thesis, Curtis is sitting with you in the hallway. He’s been prepping you for this presentation for weeks, but for peace of mind, he asks you potential questions as you wait to be called in. He holds a paper copy of your thesis, saying once again “you’ve got this. Just like the rehearsals. No one knows this stuff better than you. Show them that.” As you stand in front of the small crowd, he gives you a thumbs-up and watches with approving nods as your blow it out of the water.

He gives you a big hug when you pass and an even bigger hug when you stop by the small TA office and visit his desk to tell him about your official spot in the PhD program. “I can’t wait to work together more with you. You’re going to do great things, I know it, and I’m proud to be a part of it.”

[jungblue]

SEVEN DAYS | PREVIEW

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

genre: beach town au / fluff, angst, eventual smut

word count: 1,755

description: You thought that it was just going to be be a normal vacation to the beach. Seven days of hanging out with your parents before moving away for grad school. It was supposed to be that simple. However, when you meet a local boy that wants to show you how life is lived by the water, you don't realize just how quickly you can be dragged under.

note: Hello, everyone. It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything writing related on this account, but getting back into things that made me happy has really been helping me. I know it says multi parts and this is just a preview, and I’m not the most reliable person ever lol. But I just want to put some creativity back into the world, and this is a story I wanted to write years ago that is just now coming to fruition. Thanks for all the support!

Day 01: Sand Dollar Budget

Day 02: Shark Teeth Over Seashells

Day 03: Jason's Woods

Day 04: Legend of the Lighthouse

Day 05: New Moon

Day 06: Lightning in a Bottle

Day 07: Lost at Sea

“Are you gonna stay underneath that umbrella the entire time?”

Your jaw clenched, toes nestling themselves further into the sand, as if that would somehow anchor you in place. The constant crash of the waves in front of you had induced an almost trance-like state, so the sound of your mother’s voice had thrown you off completely.

“You know I don’t like the sun,” You responded, turning to face your parents who were just a few feet away, relaxing in their lawn chairs. “It’s hot, and I enjoy the ocean a lot more when I don’t have to squint while looking at it.”

“It’s called sunglasses.” Your mom tapped her face, showing off the simple fix to your complaint. “And the sun kind of comes with the territory of being in Florida, dear.”

“Yeah, yeah,” You mumbled.

“Go in the water then. You haven’t been in all day. You’re gonna waste your whole time here.”

You sighed heavily. Wasn’t the point of vacation to spend it in whatever way you found pleasurable? And if for you that was relaxing beneath the shade, what was so wrong with that? Plus… your fear of the ocean and all of its infinite surprises lurking beneath might also possibly be a factor. You were from a landlocked state, after all. Did she forget that your closest interaction with the ocean until now was through pictures?

Though, when you really thought about it, maybe being dragged away by some possible sea creature with sharp teeth would save you from the pit of anxiety you had been drowning in for some time now.

Colorado to California.

In just two weeks you were going to be moving states away from all you had ever known. No friends, family or even acquaintances waiting for you on the other side. Of course, you knew you should be grateful for this opportunity. It was a prestigious program that was tough to get into. But regardless of understanding your lucky position, it didn’t change the festering fear clouding your head. Fear that was apparently so strong, it was actually driving you into thinking a shark attack might be ideal.

Only dramatics of course, because your next move was standing up to proclaim, “Fine, I’ll be at the pool.”

“Not what I meant, but better than nothing.” You couldn’t see your mother’s eyes, but you knew they were rolling into the back of her head.

You fought your way up the sandy hills. Each step having your feet slipping beneath the grains. And after a lifetime of this you finally made it to the wooden dock that led from the private beach to the beach house you were staying at for the next seven days.

It was a beautiful sage-green house that stood on top of wooden stilts, and an outside staircase that brought you up to the front door. It was only one of many that stood in an endless line down the beach front as far as the eye could see in either direction.

You got interrupted in your admiration of the different houses as you did an awkward run across the blazing hot wooden path. Definitely should’ve grabbed your flip-flops, you thought to yourself.

“Ow, ow, fuckin’ motherfuck,” You whispered as you finally landed back on a patch of grass on the other side of wooden planks. You breathed a sigh of relief as you dug your feet into the cool dirt before walking towards the back of the collection of beach houses, where a community pool was.

Most of these houses were owned by snowbirds who only lived in Florida during the fall and winter when the northern states became too cold. This left hundreds of houses all over the south of the state open to people from everywhere in the country to have a little week of ocean paradise.

Paradise.

That is what you needed to treat this trip like. No worries about moving and having to start over. Just being here in this moment for the short amount of time that you were here. You decided that was going to be your new mindset moving forward as you opened the gate to the pool.

The pool was quite large, but there was a group already huddled up in one corner of the shallow end. You counted two boys and two girls as you scanned for an open lawn chair to lay your things down.

You couldn’t help but notice how attractive they were as you started to take off your bathing suit cover. It was only amplified as you got closer while wading down the steps into the water. You were lost in this thought when the group suddenly turned to face you. You froze up just expecting a simple friendly wave of acknowledgment. However, that was thrown out of the window when one of the group began to drift towards you.

“Hey, nice to meet you!” One of the boys said as he extended his hand while you settled waist deep into the water.

“Oh, nice to meet you as well.” You shook his hand, not used to such sudden introductions.

“Jesus, Jimin. What’ve we told you about ambushing people like that?” One of the girls said, lightly smacking his shoulder. “Sorry about him. He was never taught manners. My name’s Reina.” She smiled.

“How the hell’s that any different than what I just did?” The boy, apparently named Jimin, asked while crossing his arms in annoyance.

“Well you already broke the ice without giving her a second to breathe, so I had to.”

Jimin looked like he was about to say something back until the other boy in the group came up and looped both of his arms around their necks, pulling them closer together. “Alright now lovebirds, you’re scaring the tourists.”

Ah, that explains their playful squabbling. “Oh, you guys are dating. You look super cute together,” You said.

Jimin immediately stood up taller, grabbing Reina closer. “Yeah, I accidentally caught a fishing hook in her hand when we were fourteen and she’s just been tagging along ever since.” He smiled, peppering kisses on her cheek.

“Well, it showed me how bad at fishing he is, so I knew he wasn’t gonna be one of those guys out on the boat for hours ignoring their girlfriend.” She grinned during the insult before getting her head dunked underwater.

“I’m gonna kill you!” She yelled as she swam towards Jimin who was already jetting towards the deep end of the pool.

“That’s what you get!” He laughed as she caught up with him and began splashing at him.

You smiled watching them together. You weren’t lying when you said they looked cute together. Though your smile faded after a few seconds, because seeing them reminded you of your own situation. Not only was the idea of grad school itself weighing you down, but it had actually been the downfall of your longest relationship. After you found out you were accepted into the program in California a few months back, things took a turn for the worse in your love life. He was not able to see a future in a long distance relationship spanning a few states, so unfortunately you had to call it quits after three years of being together. You started to dwell on these thoughts when you were thankfully snapped out of it by the guy who had tried to stop Jimin and Reina’s bickering a few minutes prior.

“Sorry about them. Taunting each other is their favorite hobby. I’m Namjoon, by the way.” He smiled, dimples popping out as the sun reflected off his almost platinum blonde hair.

“No, it’s no problem. It’s pretty cute actually.”

He shook his head. “Trust me, the charm wears off after more than a decade of having to watch it.”

Wow, a decade, you thought to yourself. And the comment actually made you remember something. “Oh, that reminds me. You called me a tourist.”

His eyes went a little wide as an apologetic look crossed his face. “Sorry, totally didn’t mean for that to sound rude. I know some people can complain about tourists, but we love meeting you guys.”

“No, no, I wasn’t mad about that,” You said, waving off his concern. “I just meant that means you guys actually live around here full time.”

“Born and raised by the water, baby.” He raised his beer.

The last person you hadn’t been introduced to yet then swam over towards the two of you. “Well, except for me. I’m Lisa, by the way… It’s actually my last full day before we’re heading back home.” She looked sad as she said that, lips pursing as it set in that her time here was almost over.

However, it looked like some people had not seemed to realize she was almost set to leave, because immediately Namjoon turned towards her, mouth open.

“Oh my god, I forgot you were leaving tomorrow! It feels like you just got here like two days ago.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Lisa said, dipping her head beneath the water for a few seconds.

“Well, this will absolutely not be how you spend your last night in this town.” Namjoon stood up, making his way up the stairs so that he could stand over everyone in the pool. “Announcement!”

“Yes, oh great leader,” Jimin yelled from the deep end of the pool, where he and Reina seemed to have made up.

“It’s Lisa’s last night, so I have an idea.”

“Oh, oh, oh!” Reina explained as she began kicking her way back to the shallow end. “Jungkook’s band plays at Blue Tiger tonight after he gets off his shift at the marina.”

Namjoon clapped his hands together. “Read my mind Reina!”

Everyone got immediately excited and began pulling themselves out of the water.

“Jungkook?” You asked, still standing in the pool.

When you asked about this mystery man, some of the members of the group looked at each other and gave a strange smile.

“Uhm, just another one of our friends that lives here too.” Namjoon suddenly reached his hand down to you, silently asking for you to take it. “He’s really good. Wanna join?”

You were surprised by the offer, since you had only met these people ten minutes ago. But you thought to yourself, this was exactly the type of thing you needed to distract yourself from all the stresses from your life. Plus, this Jungkook character sounded intriguing enough.

With that, you reached up for Namjoon’s inviting hand. “Sure.”

[celestie0]

what do you think about grad school and maybe getting a masters or phd? like for you😭 i’m curious what more do you feel about academia

hiii bb!! ouu yeah i think with the way things are in job market rn, at least for a science degree, having a masters is a MUST and phd too if you want to teach or go into research...just an undergraduate degree for any STEM job i have noticed doesn't suffice unless you're like a comp sci major or have hella connections or something lmfaooo (or if you're a trust fund baby)

i'm actually going to med school so my four years of undergrad were spent working towards that goal, and not really with thoughts of phd or masters, but i did think about doing a masters during my gap year (which would've been this past year) since my school offered a few one years masters programs that i was interested in. it was gonna be a sort of back up plan for me in case i didn't get in anywhere, but ultimately i just had faith in my application n didn't want to spend money on a year of masters tuition haha

but it's hard for me to say for other fields, such as humanities, on what i think of the necessities of masters/phd programs...i'd imagine it's the same though, you'd probably need to pursue a lot of higher education to be qualified to teach or publish etc. in premed, you've got options of going to nursing school, PA school, med school, so i guess there are ways to pivot that don't involve masters programs if you still wanted to be a healthcare provider

i did watch an interesting video recently about the whole trap of the phd/masters pipeline, where students get a degree and think they'll be able to land a decent job post grad from wishful thinking, spend lots of time unsuccessful in the job market, then scramble to apply to grad school, and then even if they feel as though the phd program they're in isn't really giving them what they want from it, they don't want to quit because at that point it'll feel like sunken cost, and it damages their mental health and motivation and is basically this recurring loop where the system forces students to continuously stay in school and do excessive amount of research/work for criminally low compensation, just to become overqualified candidates for barely minimally paying jobs. ofc all in the name to benefit the insanely rich and wealthy. honestly most grad students i meet are stressed and so incredibly jaded, i can't imagine that it's easy on them at all. a lot of universities hardly pay them any sort of livable wage for the work that they do

as for academia in general, i think it's worth it to become educated, as it can open doors. obviously there are different paths for all people, some people choose not to go to school, some people go to trade school, others go to school much later in life. i remember i worked w this one doctor who was a mechanic for thirty years and he went back to school to get his undergrad degree and then went to med school, all while he was in his 50s, and now he's a practicing physician! i thought that was really incredible and inspiring. school is something that's there for you whenever you want it, need it, or feel ready for it. i think it's worthy to invest in your education, but you have to go into it knowing that you're going to make the most of it. in that, pursue higher education if you have a plan of why you're there and what you're going to do when you're there, and not just for the sake of earning a degree or putting off working because you'd rather just stay a student. the reason why someone from harvard might work at the same job as someone who went to community college is ultimately because the person who went to CC might've made more of their experience n harnessed connections/skills n probably had a much more clear idea of what they wanted to do with the education they were earning compared to someone who might've been coasting through a reputable school because once they got in, that was all they cared about (lol i sound bitter saying this, no hate to big name schools, but it's such a common misconception that just because you get a degree from like an ivy league, you'll be set for life. and same applies vice versa. some of the smartest ppl i know are people who did CC for two years and then transferred to a four year university. they saved hella money and got the same degree in the end, with the same exact if not better job opportunities. similarly, i've worked at clinics/hospitals where some of the doctors went to UCLA and others went to caribbean med school, but they all ended up at the same place in the end)

GOD THIS BECAME SO LONG i swear whenever i answer asks on my computer it becomes an essay loool but yea these are just my general opinions about college, higher education, and academia in general? i hope this answers and that i didn't misinterpret the question hahah but thank u for the ask bb!!

[landinrris]

It's Jess here to request a little something from the grad school fic you listed in your wip title game post 👀👀

As someone who is thinking about going back for my PhD I could use a little motivation!!

Also thanks for tagging me XD I gotta get on that

The way there isn't much plot for this one right now, just vibes as I was getting my own work done one day and being like "oh, this is such a specific mood right now." The beautiful thing about grad school and a subsequent au is that there is not really a "traditional age" like university, so everyone involved would be their relative real-life age. Here, I'm thinking Lando's a second-year and Carlos is a fourth year. Their place-holder programs are different concentrations within psych because that's what I currently do, but we'll see. Truthfully, I am not sure how motivating it will be, but don't take life advice from these two 😅. Here's a rather longish and rough draft snippet of Lando and Carlos meeting each other because Lando sucks at stats as a treat Interested in learning about some wips?

When Lando gets an error message for the third time in a row on his code, he pushes back from his desk and goes to take a walk. Maybe a few minutes of wandering around the building to clear his head will help.

He finishes locking the door when he looks over to see the door of the lab next to him open where it wasn’t earlier.

The lab belongs to one of the other faculty members in the department, though most of their students are above Lando and in the middle of data collection for bigger projects. The door being open is a rarity in some regards, and Lando is desperate enough, so he tries his luck.

From what Lando can see through the half-open door, there’s a guy sitting at the large table looking down at his laptop keyboard. All Lando can see is his nose and a large bottom lip. Lando thinks he’s seen the guy around even if he doesn’t know his name. He’s beyond intimidating in a way too-attractive people often are, but Lando’s desperate, so he knocks on the open door.

The guy’s head shoots up, eyes wide in surprise. He’s probably in the middle of office hours and not expecting anyone to need him. His gaze is as piercing as Lando thinks he remembers it being.

“Can I help you?” the guy asks. And while Lando’s seen him, he doesn’t think he’s ever heard him speak. The sound of his voice is a deep timbre that curls around the English words. Does this guy teach a class, and if so, would Lando be allowed to audit it just to hear him speak for longer than four words?

“Sorry,” Lando stutters, kickstarting his brain. ”I’m Lando. I’m from the lab right next door. I’m trying to run some analyses, but I can’t get my code to run properly. My advisor’s not in either today, or I'd ask him. You don’t happen to have any experience with SAS, do you?” Damn Andrea and his attachment to a program only a few people in the department use.

“I do, actually. I can take a look if you bring your computer over here. I would come to you, but technically one of my students could show up. Not that they will, you know?” Lando does know, even if he’s only a teaching assistant.

Lando wouldn't care even if he had to drag his entire desktop into the lab. All that matters is that maybe a second pair of eyes will finally be able to help. “Mint.”

He practically bolts back to his desk and grabs his laptop, desperate to get what he needs to done before going home for the day.

When he gets back, his savior is scrolling through his phone. This lab is a bit smaller than Lando’s own. The main table he’s sitting at has five chairs around it, and there are a further two desks off to the side with desktop computers. There’s an imitation of a stout bald man on the chalkboard along the back wall who looks oddly familiar.

The guy smiles at him as he gets closer. Lando pulls out a chair next to him and sinks down. “What’s your name? Sorry, I don’t think I actually know.”

“Carlos. I’m a fourth-year I/O. We’re a little bit off to the side from everyone else sometimes.”

A name to a face. Carlos. Lando tries to be neutral about the information and not think about looking him up on the department’s website later.

“Ah yeah, I barely know people outside my area, so not your fault. Thanks again for agreeing to take a look. I’d have asked Andrea if he was here today.”

Carlos brushes his words away and leans back in his chair to angle his head toward Lando’s computer. “It’s no problem. I could use the break from this lit review. May I?”

Lando pushes his laptop in Carlos’ direction. Watching him work isn’t unlike watching Andrea— careful, methodical, eyes scanning the rows of code. He highlights a bit to run, and then resumes his scanning. Lando should be watching the screen to see what Carlos is doing, but instead, he can’t help but watch Carlos’ face. He does this thing with his jaw that doesn’t look entirely comfortable, but what does Lando know?

Evidently not how to be subtle because Carlos looks at him and very obviously catches him staring. “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” His voice scratches lowly across the words.

“Uh… good news preferably?”

Carlos breathes out a semblance of an amused huff through his nose. “I found the error I think to make it run.”

“Wait, really? Oh thank God. What’s the bad news? Please don’t tell me my data sucks or something mate, because I will lose it.”

This time Carlos actually does smile. “The bad news is that you will want to bang your head against the table because it is annoyingly simple. You copy and pasted this code?”

“Yeah, but I’ve checked back over it like three times. Don’t tell me it’s a fucking comma or something.”

“Worse, it’s a semi-colon. You have put one at the end of each statement, but this one here in the middle,” Carlos points to the regression lines, “Doesn’t need one because it goes to the next line.”

Lando groans because that is embarrassingly simple. Thank God Andrea isn’t here, actually. “Fucking Christ, of course it’s a fucking semi-colon. Ugh, thank you. Do you mind if I sit here while I fix it in case something else happens?”

Carlos shakes his head with ease. “Please, stay for as long as you like or until 4:00 because that’s when I’m leaving.”

“Fair enough.”

Lando contemplates moving to a different spot to do his work so he isn’t so on top of Carlos. But Carlos doesn’t make any indication that he minds— redirecting his attention to his own computer.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

sorry to message but i just wanted to yell because I saw a post and yOU’RE THE AUTHOR OF FALLOUT FROM THE FADE ???? oh my goodness it’s my favourite fic ive read it SO many times.

i left a comment on ao3 last night because i finished reading it again and i just genuinely hope one day you finish it (i understand you have much going on i am just greedy).

but yes thank you so much for creating it, fenris and hawke are everything to me and this fic is my canon no matter what happens in veilguard. 💜

hahaha HELLO yes that is indeed I... I guess i do owe a little bit of an explanation here since its been uh... like 4 years since I last updated, yeah :| But it still makes me so happy that even after so long people still enjoy my little pile of suffering and yearning!

I don't know how many people who used to follow it are still on tumblr (I think a lot of people i used to write with/who would comment have deleted their tumblrs and AO3 accounts in the intervening years alas) but i do I owe anyone remaining a little context I guess lol. Long story made short is like very shortly after my last update i got broken up with unexpectedly from my 4 year relationship, and went into a bit of a spiral about it. I didn't fully stop writing at this point (though I think nothing I wrote in that like... year or more ended up posted anywhere), but I did realize that when I went to work on my ongoing stuff I was in a place where I was like... only wanting to write about anger/losing relationships rather than healing ones. And that part of me wanted to change some of the things I had planned for the following parts and ending of Fallout From the Fade. And so I decided to take a step back from it for a while to see if I actually wanted to make those changes when I was less bitter or if I wanted to follow my original plan.

And that took me about a year, emotionally. However by then I had actually left my prior job (where I spent a lot of time hiking/camping in the wilderness of Utah with no internet, and I used that time for writing), and started graduate school courses. Aaaannnd grad school has been slowly eating my life since. I've only posted I think one other fanfic since then, and it was a very short prose-poem one shot. Another contributing factor was my gaming tech was too old to actually play Trespasser when it came out, and by the time I got a laptop that could handle it, I had to replay the whole game but I was working full time, etc... and i felt really disconnected from the DA fandom since I couldn't read all the new fic/understand all the lore deep dive posts/experience it with everyone else simultaneously. Oh yeah and I work a second job as a professional mermaid in varying degrees of intensity depending on the season/oportunties available haha.

All that being said. I actually have written more of FFtF in the last 2 years. But like I said in the other post I made kinda recently, the long gaps between my later updates (vs the ones I was doing way more regularly in 2016-2018) had me rethink the approach I was using to write and post it, which was a chapter at a time. It felt like stringing people along in kind of a mean way to dump a chapter and then vanish for another year, and I knew I couldn't promise consistency while doing a masters/PhD program. So I've been kind of fiddling away at it slowly still, both actual writing of following chapters, and some substantial firming up/drafting sections in my outline to get to the eventual ending and ensure it's more cohesive than a lot of my slapdash chapters. But! Idk! I do also def work slower without the fun of having an audience, and miss that. and I never actually asked of the people who are left and still wanna read more of it, if they'd rather just get a chapter every 6 months or so as I scrounge it out. If you are one of those people and have an opinion def let me know.

I will say, the imminent presence of Veilguard does have me more inspired and creative again, and some of that has been going to Fallout. Especially since I'm no longer watching the videos/gameplay bioware is putting out since they have SOOO many spoilers and I wanna go into the game at least semi blind, so my creative energy has to go towards my personal stuff rather than joining everyone else in speculation and hype now. I'm definitely not promising I will have it close to finished by October when Veilguard releases, because I'm still in grad school and the next months are busy for me in terms of mermaid work too, but I am hoping I can make some good chunks of progress between now and then. But then if I say that and can't follow through after all I also don't wanna let people down.

Anyway yeah, it's sort of a lot of conflicting thoughts. But I'm still rotating Hawke and Fenris and this fic in my mind even these years later... which for me is honestly pretty normal. I mean I have whole original novels/worldbuilding ideas/etc that I've worked on for 10-15 years in my own time haha, I've been writing fiction for fun since I was like 10, so I think I also just think of stories/writing across a bigger timeline than people who start writing with fanfiction (which is MUCH faster paced) than original fiction. The difference of course is no one sees my original stuff so there's no one to care if i take 2 years between chunks of progress. SO I guess what I am trying to say is, yes definitely it is not abandoned, I am plodding away at it bit by bit, I also hope I can finish it one day!!!! that is within this decade i hope! whether or not anyone else is left to read it but me haha

[becoming-happy-for-myself]

Day 75 / 75 Soft 🍁

Starting Weight: 72,3 kg / 159 lbs

Last weeks Weight: 70,3 kg / 155 lbs

Current Weight: 69,3 kg / 153 lbs (- 3 kg / 6 lbs since the beginning)

Altough I finished the program two weeks ago, I still want to share my results!

⚖️ : I lost 3 kg / 6 lbs in the span of 2 and a half months. And I think that's the slowest and most sustainable weightless I've ever experienced. Grateful that I showed myself that I could be consistent in working out or rather moving my body for 75 days in a row 🙏🏻

🚰 : The 3 liters of water didn't bother me at the beginning at all. Through the 75 days I had a lot of days where I would drink the 3 liters and be fine, others I would really struggle with drinking that much water (especially when I only went for a walk as my workout). So I don't think 3 liters is the perfect amount of water for me, it just varies depending on the day I had. I loved that I've been drinking way less sugary drinks in that time, because my primary goal was always to finish up my water intake first. So that's definitely a good thought to keep in mind going forward! 💧

🏃🏻‍♀️ : I've stuck to my 3 main ways of moving my body: elliptical/crosstrainer, walking and a (light) full body workout via Ringfit Adventure on the switch. And I realized that I was able to stay consistent because I enjoyed all of those 3 activities! It didn't take a lot of convincing myself mentally each day to do those things - and that made it so much easier for me. Another thing that I learned in this journey 💪🏻 Side note: It's also a really rewarding feeling when I could up the level on the elliptical/crosstrainer or my workout game, because it showed me that there is progress that I didn't necessarily recognize each day!

🍓 : The healthy diet was the hardest part for me. Especially the snacking. I feel like I have a good roster of pretty healthy recipes (considering what I ate the years before) for my main meals. The snacking is where still have no control I feel like. So the days it felt the easiest for me were the days that I knew we didn't have anything "bad" in the house, and instead had fruits or other healthier alternatives. I'm super grad I didn't decide to count calories (like I did in the past), because I get so fixated on that. It just takes so much effort every day and therefore isn't sustainable to me. So even though my weightloss has been slow, I'm happy I was able to do it without counting calories. Overall my diet is still a big area for me where I can work on and improve, there's always new healthy recipes to find and try out 🥗

📖 : Love love loved the reading 10 minutes every day. I will keep that habit and I am actively looking for new books to read, and I want to grow my phsysical book collection! This challenge reminded my why I loved reading so much as a child... And I'm very happy to have found that love again 📚

Conclusion: I loved this challenge. I showed myself that I can do hard things. And I taught me that I don't have to be extreme to reach my goals. It really is the little habits that change out daily life, it's the consistency in doing what you said you were going to do. Can't recommend this challenge enough honestly. I'm going to share my New Years Resolutions in another post, so keep an eye out for that ✨

[rosesradio]

i'm struggling with what i wanna do in grad school...

and i was just gonna tag rant but yk what i'll put it in the post

i'm in my senior year of my bachelor's program in information systems (business + computer science = where dreams go to die) because apparently the degree will be useful for the next year or two until the inevitable AI takeover (itsfineitsfineitsfine)

i always thought i would go into grad school for library science and be a librarian, but the farther along i get in school, the more my options look...bleak. i've applied to my local library maybe half a dozen times and got one interview that i thought went well, though they didn't hire me (i think they had someone else in mind already). most people in the field say it took years of volunteer work, networking, and endless credits just to get their foot in the door. although my research says the field is not dying (it's just highly competitive), it feels like i would be screwing myself over if i got this degree.

really, i just want a job associated with fiction, something fun. i would be happy working in a library, managing the system & organizing events & talking about books with students. i would be happy being a creative writing teacher. I would be happy working in publishing, maybe reading over manuscripts or editing. i'd even be happy working on a movie set, if that's in writing or something else to bring a fictional world to life.

i have to decide something quick, because i graduate in may. i wanted to get my master's at the cheapest online school [redacted]. i thought i could maybe do a dual degree program for library science and english teaching or something. my parents want me to use my college money (both through them and my acedemic scholarships), to go to a different school [redacted], that costs twice as much for the same online degree because the reputation is better and it might lead to better networking opportunities.

my worry is just that no matter how many credits i need, i will always be short something. i'll have to go back to school for education or something else. and this isn't a situation where i get the job and they pay for me to go back to school--it would be like they don't hire me, and i have to pay to go back to school anyways because i won't have a chance at even getting another job interview otherwise.

i just don't know what to do, and i'm scared. i'm wondering what degree to do, what route to take that won't just make me happy, but will also get me a job at the end of the day. i keep seeing all these things about unemployment, the housing market, the job market, how hard everything is and i feel like i'm speeding until i crash into a wall. i haven't done any internships, all of my job experience is in food and retail and i'm terrified that's where i'm gonna stay for the rest of my life (no offense to anyone working those jobs, obv from this post you can tell it's virtually impossible to work anywhere else so like i get it).

i know i need to do my research and email the different schools and figure things out, it's just a really hard situation to work through.

if anyone has any advice or take on this situation at all, i would really appreciate it. i just feel really lost

[sluty-stars]

18+ blog

My Name

Hello, idc what you call me. I'm not exactly gonna attach my name due to yk. Not wanting this to impact any chance I have at grad school. If you wanna call me anything, just use Stars.

Who am I

Hello! I'm studying physics, hopefully aiming to program for quantum computers. I just got out of an abusive relationship, so a lot of things ha e changed. I feel awful for any stress that has been put here. Not gonna be active though

I am a trans person. I use she/they pronouns.

My sexuality I usually say queer. I love women and gender diverse peoples. I'm not too big into men. Trans men are a gray area of liking them for their queer aspects. But not really the "male" personality (if they have one, lol). But I'm not a fan of cis men (mostly bc cis sex (or sexting) is so dry)

DNI?

I'm not your mom, I'm not going to police people. I post content for myself, a queer person. If you don't like queer people, leave. I'm not gonna talk to you if you're a kid. And there is a good chance I ignore you if you're a cis person.

Feel free to interact. But it ain't for you.

What this blog is

Honestly idc about having a theme, I shit post, I might post things going on in my life, and I might even post some sexual things. I don't expect anyone to like it or care. If it does become a thing, I might split the two into their own blogs. But for right now. No.

Dms

They are welcome. I'll talk to anyone and everyone. If it's something kinky, I might only respond when I'm ready for it. If it's not, yk. I'll respond sooner.

Bellow are kinks, 18+

Kinks

Puppy play

Rope play

CnC

Dehumanizing

Degregation

Hypnosis

Blood play seems very fun~

Some more I can't think of

[non-electrical-outlet]

1/21/2025: A Quick One Before Bed

Today was orientation for Clinical Immersion, and life is finally moving forward again. Perhaps a little too quickly, I've got a little bit of emotional whiplash going from brainrotting and sleeping in to Clinical Shift #1 the day after tomorrow. Still, I'm grateful for the external pressure.

Things are uncertain right now. I've no idea just how much doing immersion at a certain location will actually help me in getting a job there post graduation. I suppose it comes down to how I actually do during my time there. I'm also anxious about the feedback I got on my (admittedly generic and low effort) resume, which I did end up using in my hasty first application to my new grad program of choice. I also feel like my hair is SOOO GREASY even though it looked totally fine in the morning when I woke up! It had to have been the caffeine, the coffee I had. I definitely got some less than warm looks from people at the career fair, and that's gotta have something to do with it. With longer hair now, I think I have to shower every day in order to make sure I don't risk looking like this. It's a whole thing, ugghhhh.

Anyways.

This journal entry is the last thing I'm going to do that requires brainpower tonight. I'm gonna go shower and brush my teeth and do my whole bedtime routine, and try and get some good sleep tonight. Set my alarm for 6:00 in preparation for waking up at 5:00 on Thursday. Stretch and have breakfast and move my body. Review all the orientation materials and take some notes, just to make sure I haven't missed anything. Think about and write down my goals and expectations for immersion. Sneak in some practice quizzes. Do some meal prep. And just generally make sure that I'm ready for Immersion.

Despite my unpleasant high energy state right now, I really think I'll have a good rotation. I really want to go there and put my best foot forward, accept honest critique of my performance and work on improving, and get back in the ring as it were. I'm motivated to put in the work, and excited to rise to an occasion. Life is uncertain for me right now, and that can be scary, but it's 2024 and life is uncertain for 99% of the population. Having a predictable and safe life is not a SMART goal. Living a "good" life is not a SMART goal. Applying to X number of residency programs before graduation IS a SMART goal. Taking care of 1 additional patient each week throughout Immersion up to a total of 4 by the end IS a SMART goal. Saving up $50,000 before age 30 is potentially a smart goal depending on certain factors that are as of yet unknown to me.

Learning to be a thoughtful observer of my emotions rather than the unwitting victim of them is not a smart goal, but still one worth remembering and pursuing. Life can be a lot less distressing and a lot more enjoyable that way. This journaling practice definitely helps with that.

Okay, I can smell my stinky hair now, I can NOT have another day like this. Shower and bed time.

[aforkstuckintheroad]

It's been a while, reading the things I wrote on here, not a lot has changed but a lot has changed. From that last sentence, at least we can establish that my writing has not changed as much, it's just as dramatic.

Some things are different - I am heading to graduate school and I am moving out of my parents home. God, I am so stressed. I procrastinated hard on a lot of really important things and now I feel so behind on everything and the program hasn't even begun yet. I am already playing catch-up.

My life is taking a drastic and dramatic turn. I quit my job a while ago, and since then I've pretty much been at home and in my room. I wrote a post on here previously about how much I love my room most of the time - and yeah, safe to say, it was not that romantic to be stuck in it without purpose or any semblance of meaning for almost two years. My life keeps taking these big turns - that's how 20s go I suppose? One day you're in college, the next you're out and working, then next you're lost and unemployed, the next you're moving countries for grad school. Relatively, these are pretty normal experiences, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact quite privileged in having access to these experiences. Except my stomach hurts all the time and so does my head. This rapid change of scenery over and over again - the adjustment, the departure, the re-adjustment - I can't breathe when I sit and think about it. So I've stopped sitting to think. Now I only feel stress and anxiety. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel excitement. The stress and anxiety have taken over all my feelings. And the guilt for feeling even these two, given all the privilege, will not even let me feel the stress and anxiety in peace - that's an oxymoron, but you know what I mean? I hope you do. I find solace only in the fact that I am not alone, and people out there understand. I feel alone, in my house, with my friends sometimes. But there are people out there. There's always somebody on Reddit going through the same thing as you. So there's that. Everything just feels like a lot of work, and I do not know how to put in the work. I honestly and plainly - do not want to. I have not found anything yet that makes me feel like I would want to put in that work. Maybe all of this will change in grad school, maybe being back in school will turn my life around. But as I've often seen quoted online - you can run away to a different place, but you can't escape yourself. I hope I do better, I want to do better. But as I sit and write this instead of updating my resume and applying for the on-campus job that I really want - I do not know if I will be any better. The job applications and the housing process is really very deeply stressing me out and I leave in 2 weeks. I just want to get there and start my life. But if I'm not able to put in the pre-start work for my life, will I be able to do it once it all starts full swing?

Therapy was barely helpful with my tasks, what is wrong with my brain? I've just started reading Atomic Habits finally, after seeing it everywhere. Yes I am scared to admit that I am reading a self-help book. I guess it's an indication to how desperate I am to change my life. I cannot miss out on opportunities anymore because of my inability to do tasks! It is excruciating. I absolutely cannot do a single task to save my life right away, quite literally. Even if my life depended on it, I would procrastinate for days and days. Like getting my stomach checked out - because it hurts all the time. There's some hypochondria at play there too though, and my sedentary lifestyle is largely to blame. But still, what if there was a real problem there? I refuse to take any action?

I have no control over myself and my body, and thus there is no me and there is no I. It is just an entity, operating at it's own instinctive will. The writer of this, is just a little part that exists somewhere within this entity, but in no way or form can take claim of forming the entire entity. Because the writer has very little actual control over the entity. That is how I feel. Best, the 5% of the entity

[daincrediblegg]

What kind of studies are you doing for a film career? If we wanted to follow the same path what should we do? I'm very interested in the topics you post about 💞

oh man. oh that's an interesting question nonnie. and one that is a little complicated to answer just because there's a lot of stuff that goes into it and I don't really think there's a set "path" for a lot of the kind of stuff that I learn about and what I hope to do in the future... which are kindof two very different things, but they have some interconnectedness here and there... it's kinda messy but I will do my best to explain:

So in terms of school stuff? currently I'm a Lit major with a minor in film and television studies- which at my school specifically there is a lot more of an emphasis on film THEORY than film PRODUCTION, and a lot of it overlaps with the english major just because the disciplines are so similar (so basically, even though I'm listed as a minor it might as well be a major). The difference between them is that theory is a lot more like literary studies, except rather than deep-analysis of a physical text, the thing you're analyzing is films, and taking into account everything within the moving image down to the form itself and how the director and productions designers use that form to create meaning that opens up readings of that film for us; the people who study them. Production of course rather focuses on making films themselves, and my school has some focus on this, but not an extraordinary amount. And honestly, if you want to get into the theory end of things, it doesn't really matter all too much what school you get into (whereas if you wanted to focus more on the production end of things there are definitely some better schools for this than others. and most of them are in california and disgustingly expensive and pretentious. and unfortunately I might try to go to one of them for grad school. like a fool. unless some other shit I want to try to do after I get out of here works out for me). I mean I stayed in-state for school and I really enjoyed the theory programs offered here for the most part (of course, there's no accounting for certain professors tastes. that's always going to be hit or miss- but I've still managed to find some really good ones that I like over the years) but honestly... it's not the only avenue for learning this kind of stuff. I mean once you have a foundation for it, and know what to look for, it becomes a lot easier to just... know how to do this stuff on your own. Like honestly, I feel like I have learned just as much about film out of class as I did in it. And to that end, here are my tips, and some stuff to watch/read to give you an idea of the kind of stuff I study

Slavoj Zizek's films are absolutely incredible. I actually met the guy through my program and yes: he is exactly like that in real life. But he's absolutely one of the must-watch film theory scholars/philosophers of this day and age, and anyone who has been in a film theory class knows about him. "The Pervert's Guide" films on cinema and Ideology are both quintessential film theory texts and very eye-opening, if not heavy-handed and very wordy.

Other philosophy and psychoanalysis that I've had to read a lot of include these three individuals more than any others: Lacan, Derrida, and Freud (specifically: on dreams, mourning and melancholia, and on jokes- because Freud isn't much use for real life person psychoanalysis, but as a theoretical framework for film characters he's pretty aces).

no film school is your best friend. This Article has basically all the jargon you really need to know to talk about film (weirdly the only thing I think is missing is high and low-key lighting, but honestly that stuff is very easy to find)

my best tip in terms of what to watch is: watch whatever you want, and watch everything. I've heard a lot of folks complain in my classes that they don't want to watch anything anymore outside of class because they have too much shit to watch for classes OR that film theory has ruined watching movies for them, but from my experience that's detrimental and kindof silly and weak-minded of them. To be perfectly honest film professors can assign as much niche stuff they like: and it can be good sometimes- and it IS good to reach out of your comfort zone and experience different directors, whether they be new or old, from your home country or from somewhere completely different, BUT none of the studying is really worth it unless you take it to what you're interested in and apply it there. because if there's anything I've learned in my time doing this is that there is ALWAYS some intentional film theory rigor available even in the shittiest movies imaginable. there is always something to talk about- whether it be how something was shot, or the cultural context that it exists in, and absolutely nothing in the world is too stupid and it can actually be REALLY fun to unpack when it is. it also helps a lot of this become second-nature and a lot less of a slog.

also any time you want I would happily give a list of some of the best films/directors I've watched for my film studies (especially in the last couple of years I think I've gathered up a great list of films from my favorite professors and ones that have been especially more memorable than some of the earlier stuff I had to sludge through) but that'll have to be a different post and a different ask because this thing is long enough and I'm tired 😂😂😂 But yeah. there you go. I hope this fuckin helps nonnie lmao

[iamfuckingsorry]

Hiya tumblr :)

I used to use this blog for venting and rants all the fucking time as a child (or like, possibly even into my early 20s, but my point is it was a pretty long time ago). Apparently I haven't made a personal post since like 2017, which honestly tracks with the general development of my mental health, but apparently I'm nearly 30 and back to where I was pre-2017 so here we fucking go :)

I'm just like. Ugh. Everything in life is very ugh atm. My thesis project sucks, it's mostly programming and doing stats which I fucking hate, I'm not learning any of the skills I want to learn, I could have found something so much better if I'd just cared when searching for a supervisor, but I couldn't even be assed to do that... So now I'm stuck doing this fucking thing because I was supposed to graduate 2 years ago and I fucked off doing random cool shit instead having a great time at life and so now I better fucking finish this goddamn degree.

Which I don't even want, by the way. I don't want the jobs you get with this degree except for the ones you need experience doing things I am not learning for my thesis project for, I don't want the title, I don't want any of it. But this thing takes 5 years to do when you graduate on time, and I'm so so close to finishing, I'm not gonna give up now and leave without the degree. Even though it might legit be better for my future career if I didn't have the degree, I'm too fucking stubborn for my own good and I'm not gonna leave without the degree even if it kills me.

What I really want to do is do one more year of uni to get a professional cert (which you also can get as part of a bachelor's degree, but of course I didn't choose the right degree for that because I felt like I had to do an engineering degree even though I never had any real interest in it), then use that professional cert to get a mediocre dead-end job up north. Where there's no jobs in the field I'm currently in so I can't really move there unless I get this cert. But it also just feels so fucking wrong to get this cert instead of, like, getting a proper fucking job and finally being done with uni. (though the cert is like very practical, it's like 70% work placements, which honestly sounds nice). And like, I know the only reason it feels wrong is because I grew up with classist parents who think people who've gone to grad school are better than everyone else and that earning a lot of money is important, but recognizing that doesn't really help with the feeling now does it? Realistically speaking I'm never gonna get this cert which means I won't end up moving to where I wanna live and instead stay where I am even though I don't really like this place or move to the capital (honestly a worse option than staying where I am) because that's where I am most likely to get a shitty job somewhat relevant to this meh degree I'm getting that I don't even want.

...if I can get my fucking thesis done.

Because I have zero fucking motivation now, and the fact that I've been clinically depressed for literally as long as I can remember (not exaggerating here, I was suicidal at like 9-10) means the consequences of not doing shit don't do anything to motivate me anymore either.

I do maaaybe like 15 hours of work on this full-time thesis project right now. And even that might legit be enough to just barely get it done, but... it might not be. And it feels like there's no fucking force in this world that can make me work on it more than this bare fucking minimum.

Ugh.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and honestly it fucking sucks.

[tofufactorynightschool]

滔滔不绝; Chatterbox

好久不见！It's been a while; my bad! Things have been so busy here I can barely find the time to finish my homework, text my friends/family/etc back, check emails, and get a good night's rest. Several times, I meant to write an update, but I guess I never found the time til now--over a month! Oops. So here goes!

The update I wanted to write almost a month ago was:

It's been a crazy first week in Taipei! During the first weekend, I (along with five of my other housemates) got locked out by another housemate. (She deadbolted the door by accident.) Call after call did nothing to awaken her, but the program director got us hotel rooms for the night. Then the next day I almost got heat stroke, I was so dehydrated and overheated and sleep-deprived. I met my language partner (the first and so far the only time I've met her, which will hopefully change soon), and we walked around Taida's campus, darting into AC-bubble after AC-bubble. It was graduation season, and we saw swarms of black-cloaked grads with their colorful hoods on campus, drifting between the palm trees and the stone buildings. The heat and the light makes the memory feel hazy, light-dappled.

Then I had my first Chinese classes, which were a huge wake-up call, because I could barely keep up (or more simply/accurately, was not keeping up). I almost changed out of the class after the first test, but I decided to hang in there. We're now about 4 or 5 tests in, still not sure if I made the right decision! We're almost at the 期中考 midterm point (worth 20% of the final grade), so I guess we'll see soon. (Though I'm writing this post instead of studying for the midterm ...) My 老师 is a funny, charming Japanese woman, who seems to be a little harder on us than my housemates' 老师 are on them ... but I guess maybe that's for the best for my learning style.

I've had some embarrassing language learning mishaps: saying 准备奶茶 instead of 珍珠奶茶 in class, accidentally ordering two milk teas, 什么的。。。In my day to day life, I can get by okay; but to be fair, I mostly talk with my housemates, all of whom are either American or speak English very well. (Not sure how much good that's doing for my language learning, but I think it has made it a less lonely experience--not being fluent, you really feel the gap between what you want to, or need to, express and what you are able to express. It is a fundamentally lonely feeling.) But sometimes I think I've been too busy to feel lonely...there's a few things I miss, sure, a few people I miss intensely, but I feel like I am surprised by how little I feel the urge to go home. Rather, I am nervous for the day that time comes.

There's so much to love here. Almost every morning, I bike to class with a YouBike, which is a convenient bike rental system. The campus is gorgeous; it's like a tropical forest is embracing the school. The birds, turtles, butterflies ... The food ... I feel like anything I say might come across as understatement. It's so delicious. It's also very affordable. I've had so many different things here: qingrenguo, danbing, sooo much milk tea, etc. etc. I can count on one hand the number of times I've even glanced at the stove since arriving. Taipei is so exciting and, somehow, peaceful at the same time -- I don't know if that makes sense. People have been so friendly, things are so beautiful, even the metro has all these cute little cartoons (Taiwan is big on cute culture, and I can't lie, I do love it). Convenience is the order of the day: the transit system, the 7/24 (to use the local notation) convenience stores, the air conditioning, etc. I overall feel incredibly safe here, even at night. There's a lot I wish we had in the states like this There's a lot to do, too. (I'm going to write a list of my activities in another post, otherwise it might get too long.)

To be honest, my days are so full I can barely introspect (my most common pastime back home) and I've also hardly thought about research at all; I'm a little nervous. I can hardly believe that we're halfway through...

滔滔不绝 (tāo tāo bù jué) - unceasing torrent, a torrent (of words)

[traumadragon]

feels dumb to post about adhd and autism here but I don't really have anywhere to scream (gently) about it

we literally cannot be diagnosed with autism because of how much neglect and abuse we went through, and the way i was tossed around my family constantly makes it impossible for anyone to have known me at critical times long enough to know if I have the childhood history of it other than my acting out + not getting attached to people.

we were finally diagnosed with ADHD recently through our psychiatrist letting us get on ritalin again last fall after we hadn't taken it since we were 7. our family that raised us after we were 8 found out i had been given it before they got me months after. the mother figure was very angry about it. they spent literal years teaching me how to manage my ADHD and I was severely hyperactive until on the autism side of things I developed an extremely strong interest in computer programming, which combined with the hyperfixation aspect of adhd with bouncing between different languages and different things to make with code.

now we are so burnt out, even when our burnout was decreasing, that it doesn't *look* like we have adhd. but in our brain? when the Ritalin wears off? it's like thinking with heavy fog and loud static getting in the way. our system doesn't communicate as well because our thoughts just cut off or jump suddenly and we can't locate where the original thought was. we started working on an essay for grad school on last Thursday, but our brain, even though we'd taken ritalin, used the Ritalin to focus on literally anything else super intensely. we couldn't get the focus, when it was there, to go on the paper. the day before we needed the draft turned in, we were up from 8 am to 11 pm working on the paper, and it was barely enough done to be enough of a draft for the professor to give feedback.

but we've started having meltdowns more easily again. when we manage the autism related stress well enough, people around us DO notice that we are *different*, that we don't communicate the same way they do, but it isn't an outright "you have a developmental disability". but when meltdowns get triggered more easily for us, it's the start of a huge spiral. if we don't do something to decrease the demands on us socially, sensory wise, etc, it will get worse. it's part of our burnout symptoms. we just recovered from the last burnout from the autism side of things in mid 2021.

but our body had already been warning us. we've been spending at least half of the day several times a week, and at least 6-8 hours the other days, nonverbal, brain refuses to communicate vocal cords and mouth movements and trying to think through it causes panic because we don't understand why. we accidentally started turning our work tasks into ways to use our interest in programming. we spent 3 days super intensely focused on that for the whole day, researching what was needed and trying to work with the limitations of the work computer. that made us get super far behind on the general tasks of our job on top of what we were already behind on. we aren't able to keep up with tracking social cues and the body language we've memorised very well. the only time recently we've be able to identify body language that registered as not neutral was in a meeting with two coworkers. i still can't tell what it means. I'm hoping it was just the look between two people just being annoyed with the conversation and one of the co-workers just telling me it was a yes or no question was the whole thing it was part of. anytime one of our interests comes up we don't remember to keep quiet and only give responses instead of talking about it more.

it feels stupid to be upset about it because I'm literally capable of living on my own, though I really can't keep up with hygiene and its always a problem, though I struggle to eat because ARFID+trauma fucks up what food i can cope with eating, but other than that, I'm able to exist with generally no difficulty, I'm in a field that is accommodating for the autism symptoms i have, its tolerant of my adhd. but I've gotten people accustomed to me being able to put a huge amount of effort constantly into just communicating in a way they understand.

it feels wrong that i wish i had been allowed to exist in a way that is comfortable to me. I'm too scared to use AAC instead of talking. I'm too scared of allowing myself to chew on things around people because I've been yelled at for it. I'm scared of talking about things I actually care about because people get frustrated with it. I'm scared of not doing a ton of math and observing tons of tiny things during a conversation just so people won't get mad that I can't figure out what they mean when they talk about things outside of visual context. I'm too scared to use ear plugs or ear defenders even though they would really help. I'm scared of anyone see a meltdown so I'm scared to let it happen if I can interrupt it at all, and I can generally interrupt it from starting by dissociating, but then when others are gone, I'm too scared to not just interrupt it and try to dissociate again because I almost break things i care a lot about a lot of the times with the trigger for them. So it just piles up over and over and eventually turns into a shutdown that confuses the people around me, that i am not so scared of, but it only delays an actual meltdown. I live in fear of when I won't be able to stop it anymore.

And I'm lucky I'm able to stop it. Even though it's because of abuse.

but no one sees the full picture of how bad it is.

I'm able to keep my autism symptoms being noticeable to me at a very low level instead of obvious. but every time burnout starts becoming obvious, it's harder and harder to not notice it.

and I don't know how to fix it because of how terrified I am of anyone noticing anything different than what they know of me.

and my therapist has literally said to me that I can't be diagnosed because of the way Aspergers was merged with ASD in the DSM5. Which is basically the therapist way to say that I don't suffer or struggle very obviously or in a way they notice so therefore it doesn't count. I know I manage it really well. But every person I know, online or offline, that knows me on a regular basis, if there's any concept of me being autistic in the conversation, the reaction everyone seems to have is "oh wait is that why you -" with a ton of random things like social cues and stuff I say regularly.

If people know what autism looks like outside of autistics that are nonverbal 100% of the time or struggle with gross/fine motor moments or other things that just aren't seen in autistics that get to live independently, they always register me as autistic. I can often tell if they do because they change how they talk to me even after just talking to someone else in their normal way, and I've read so many people with the form of autism that's similar to me getting upset about it... but I actually prefer it because they are clear, direct, and don't try to say so much at once.

If I stopped being so terrified of how people would react and let myself gradually just stop trying so hard, I don't know how my therapist or other people that know me would label me. It's so ingrained in me to do so many things socially as automatic responses, even though it's pretty common for a response to be incorrect, but people don't care if you correct yourself or apologise. but I don't know if anyone knows the real me, even online. i dont think i even know the real me. I just know the ways to interact and communicate and do things that I've been taught.