#like there’s just so much willful obtuseness about the whole thing

[inbarfink]

Any analysis of how Undertale deals with Pacifism and how it tries to guide the Player towards it has to take a deep look at Papyrus. Because Papyrus is the one character in the game who will never kill, the one actual ‘True Pacifist’ in the game’s main cast. 

I mean, the Player can be an even bigger Pacifist. Papyrus does still FIGHT, and the Player can get through an entire run without draining a single sliver of HP. But… they can also be the world’s biggest murderbastard and literally stab reality to death. 

Toriel would very much like to not kill, but she is also fully capable of doing so.

Same with Asgore, but he has a lot more actual blood on his hands. Undyne and Mettaton are both fully 100% willing to kill to accomplish their goals. Sans is non-violent in most runs because he’s too lazy and depressed to do anything, and when he is motivated into actions - it is in the form of a FIGHT to the death. Alphys… the timeline is a bit fuzzy cause both she and Mettaton love lying so much, but it seems like she did sincerely add deadly weapons to Mettaton cause killing humans would make him more 'useful' and then had second thoughts once she developed a parasocial relationship with the Human Child and THEN she and Mettaton started hatching their little play-acting plan. I think??

With Papyrus there is NONE of this ambiguity, we know for sure - no matter what timeline or what may come - The Great Papyrus will always choose MERCY.

And the interesting thing about that is on a Meta-Sense, Papyrus is a very rare example of the game giving MERCY towards the Player. 

Because the game starts out being really obtuse with the Sparing mechanic and how it works. If you want to be a Pacifist in Undertale from the get-go, you’re gonna have to work for it. You're gonna have to figure it out on your own and commit to it and believe that it's possible. It's basically a test of your own belief in non-violence and your moral integrity. Then, the RUINS end with the Toriel boss battle - in a way, that’s probably the hardest Sparing puzzle in the whole game. And it’s very very easy to accidentally kill her. (I’d almost say that’s the intention of the battle, to try to goad the Player into Resetting so they can see how the game remembers across RESETs)

And then we have Papyrus, and it’s not just that his ‘Sparing Puzzle’ is something as simple as outlasting him and letting him run out of dialogue - and it’s not just that he’s the only boss that will just give up and let you continue if you lose to him enough times. it’s also that, just as Papyrus is the only boss incapable of accidentally killing the Player - he’s also the only boss that the player is incapable of accidentally killing.

(Okay, fine, to be pedantic, there’s also Asgore)

I mean, the Player can certainly kill him if they want to - but draining Papyrus’s HP just makes him skip through his battle dialogue right to the end of it. It’s designed in such a way that, no matter what Route you're on and no matter what approach you take with Papyrus - you will always end up on this screen.

Unlike basically any other Monster in this game, including the major boss battle just before him - you can’t kill Papyrus accidently. You can't kill him without also having Sparing him as an option. The game kinda treats killing Papyrus as one of the Worst Things You Can Do because killing Papyrus will always be a deliberate, considered action done to a person who will not kill you and who has stopped wanting to FIGHT and has extended a hand of Mercy. With the game clearly communicating what you need to do to Spare him at that moment.

And that means that - even if you killed before, even if you don’t have the patience of a True Pacifist, even if you spent all this time in the game without even trying to engage with the Sparing mechanic… as long as you don’t want to be a Huge Rat Bastard, the game is basically gifting you with the very very easy option to not be. Being a Pacifist in Undertale is usually a challenge - a puzzle to be solved, a test to pass. But as long as you aren’t intentionally trying to be the Worst Person - the game is basically giving you Papyrus. 

If you accept his Mercy, you are accepting the game’s Mercy. That sort of benefit-of-the-doubt assumption that maybe all of the LOVE you might have accumulated so far was all due to honest mistakes or panic or an attempt in self-defense. That you still deserve this one chance to prove that you are not intentionally, maliciously cruel - or at least not like the Worst Person in the World. Even if you did kill before, you still deserve at least one friend.

And Sparing Papyrus leads you to his wonderful Hangout/Dating Sequence and to his Phone Calls and they all add so much wholesome charm to the Undertale experience and no matter what happens Papyrus will always think the best of the Player and he will always trust them and it also makes Sans also kinda your buddy by default. And more than just adding a little bit of wholesome charm into even the more LOVE-filled Playthroughs, I think this is meant to try and incentivize these players into trying out the Mercy mechanic a bit more.

Whatever it’s, like, for future playthroughs or Resetting the game right there to try a True Pacifist Run right there and then or just trying to be a little kinder for the rest of this current playthrough - especially since there’s an emphasis about the close friendship Papyrus has with the upcoming boss Undyne, and to a lesser extent with his idol and next-next boss battle Mettaton. It’s like “well, if you didn’t figure out how to spare before, this is how you do it? And isn’t it nice to have a friend? Isn’t it nice to not have to kill this lovable skeleton man? You should do this more often wink wink nudge nudge!”

And it’s like… all of Papyrus’ loved ones care about him so much but they also look down on his pacifism. They see his inability to kill and desire to make friends as simple naivete and that’s why all tend to hide the truth from him all the time. About what will happen to the Human he will capture, about what his new Human friend might’ve done, about the fact that they view him as so naïve. 

They admire it on some level, that’s why they want to protect it, but they also see it as a weakness which is why they want to protect it by lying to him all the time. But, you know, Undyne says that if Papyrus goes into battle he’ll be ‘ripped into little smiling shreds’ and that is certainly what happens every time a Player chooses to refuse Papyrus’ Mercy and the game’s Mercy and press that FIGHT button…

But have you thought about all the times that doesn’t happen? All the careless or violent players who were offered that skeletal hand of friendship, accepted it and then carried that offered kindness forward for the rest of the game? All the players motivated to do good for the sake of their buddy Papyrus? All the Murder Routes stopped because the player just didn’t have it in them to kill someone who believes in them so earnestly?

Like, no, it’s not a surefire thing - especially since Papyrus has so much less narrative power than the Actual Unkillable Time God that is the Player. But it happened, and it happened many many times to many players. Papyrus offered Mercy, the game offered Mercy. And much like Frisk’s Pacifism, it comes from a place of seeing the honest goodness in your ‘enemy’ and can inspire them to become a better person - this little sparkle of goodness being passed forwards. 

And I think that’s beautiful, even if it didn’t happen in every timeline. Any potential future where Papyrus’ kindness can have such an effect on the Player and thus the entire trajectory of the Underground validates his kindness and pacifism on some level - even if there are also always the potential worlds that it backfires completely. 

And there’s also one other way in which the Great Papyrus Proves Pacifism Pays. One that is a bit more practical, perhaps. And one that Papyrus himself is not even aware of. 

Papyrus’ boss battle can be a surprisingly challenging one specifically because he is the only one who doesn’t kill the Player.

Like there is a reason why Papyrus will just offer you to skip his Fight after you lose to him three times, because if he didn’t do that - there’s an honest risk that the Player can get stuck in a much stuckier way than anywhere else in the game. 

Because, like, for basically any other character in the game, being killed is the Worst Thing that could ever happen to them. For everyone except the actual Player Character because we are an Actual Unkillable Time God and dying is nothing more than a minor annoyance that sets you back to your last SAVE Point. So, leaving aside Papyrus’ admirably kind intentions - there is not much material difference from the Player’s perspective between getting Captured and getting a more traditional GAME OVER. Except…

Except getting Captured does not undo everything that happened in your inventory during the battle. In every other Undertale battle, if you use all of your items but still lose - the GAME OVER at least means you get your stuff back. But because Papyrus doesn’t kill you, any healing item you’ve used during the battle is still used. I have watched so many Undertale Let’s Players waste all of their valuable items on their first Papyrus battle and then have to face him again without them and thus do even worse in their second go… and then their third go... and thankfully then Papyrus offers them to skip the fight.

And while that technically can be circumvented by just manually closing the game and opening it back again on their pre-battle SAVE Point, a lot of players are gonna reflexively Save over it if they pop over to the Shop or the Snowed Inn before their second attempt at the battle. If Papyrus didn’t offer that chance to skip his battle, it could’ve easily become a softlock situation for a huge chunk of players - because he doesn’t kill the Player.

Most of Undertale deals with the value of non-violence from a standpoint of morality and kindness and personal connections. Since most people do die when they get killed. But when dealing with an Unkillable Time God like the Player, Papyrus proves that not-killing might actually be the most practical solution.

Of course, it doesn’t seem like Papyrus is aware of any of this. From his perspective, he is just offering genuine mercy to a being just as ephemeral as he is. But it accidentally turned into one of the most effective methods of blocking the Player’s way… at least he didn’t offer us an opt out so soon after that. 

And it’s interesting when comparing him to how his brother Sans - one of the few people actually aware of the existence of SAVEs and RESETs - deals with the Player. Because the Sans boss battle at the end of the Murder Route is entirely based on the concept that death is nothing but an annoyance to the Player. Sans is less trying to kill the Player (the way Undyne the Undying did), he is simply trying to annoy the Player into a ragequit. But he is still killing the Player.

Now imagine a Sans battle where he has all of his usual annoying tricks, but also instead of killing you - he captures you just like his brother would’ve in a happier timeline. And while it’s not a fool-proof plan to stop the Player in their tracks - he could very easily stick them in that sort of softlock situation where they have to battle him again and again without any Healing Items. Forcing them to either abandon the game or RESET the whole world back the way it was - just like Sans wants them too. 

But instead, by killing the Player, he is just allowing that perfect second-third-fourth-fifth-sixth-try where they get all of their Stuff back. And he does actually knows that. And why doesn’t he do that? (Speaking here from an in-universe character study perspective. Obviously the Doylist answer is that the game doesn’t want to Softlock you even in the most deliberately-frustrating part of the game).

Maybe, even though he intellectually knows that killing the Player will be of no help - he still does it because he wants to. Because he just wants to get back at the evil murderous monster that took his brother from him and destroyed his entire world even if he knows it’s actually ineffective. And this thirst for bloodshed is, ironically, blinding him from a new exciting way to actually practically stop that murderous bastard who is themself motivated entirely by bloodshed. 

Maybe he just can’t do something like that. Reducing an enemy to exactly one HP and then stopping is not a feat anyone else in the game is capable of pulling off - even the ones who would obviously use such a thing (like Toriel or a Player with a Pacifist intentions). Maybe it’s something that requires a lot of hard practice and discipline and carefulness, that Sans never thought to put in because he didn’t see it as a useful skill the way Papyrus did. 

Maybe that wouldn’t have worked anyways. After all, and that’s something I kinda touched on in a previous Overly Long Rambly Hot Take - Sans’ War of Attrition against the Player is greatly helped by the fact he can’t remember every single previous try and so he can’t get exhausted the way the Player can get. Obviously, without a GAME OVER induced RESET that will not apply. Which is especially notable because… Sans’ laziness is literally what brings him down at the end of that Boss Battle. 

So maybe, while Papyrus, as long as you decline his offer to skip the battle, is capable of offering just the same Battle as before over and over and over again.... It’s possible that Sans just won’t be able to pull off two or three or more battles of the same intensity and difficulty in a row without a RESET to undo his own exhaustion. 

But I think it’s at least worth considering the option, y’know? That after all this time of viewing Papyrus’ kindness as sweet-and-yet-kinda-foolish-naïveté - that exact viewpoint made Sans overlook the perfect solution to dealing with his little Murderous Time God problem. Cause he just never considered that while killing might be fully morally justifiable in this situation and very very satisfying, that does not necessarily mean it is actually the most practical solution. And that maybe, in a weirdly twisted way, Pacifism WAS the answer.  

[hauntingofhouses]

BRB thinking thoughts about Taigen's character, the TaiMizu ship, and a big chunk of fandom's perceptions regarding both those things.

(Inspired by @farintonorth's post related to this topic that just got my brain going brrrrr)

OK so let me just... start off by saying that I think that reducing stories to their tropes is seriously detrimental to the way some people are interacting with fiction, and while that honestly warrants its own post about the subject, I wanna talk specifically about how this affects the way some people in the fandom talk about Taigen and TaiMizu.

Because yeah, tropes are useful shorthand to refer to certain dynamics or archetypes etc, and they are indeed the building blocks to any story. But in a well-written story, characters and their relationships, actions, and motivations, are much more complex than just tropes. Because in a story that has characters who are more than just cardboard cutouts, their behaviours, backgrounds, motivations and all of that, are inseparable from the context of the overall story they exist in.

So like, sure, you can say Mizu and Taigen have an enemies-to-lovers or rivals-to-lovers dynamic. I also use those terms because it's easier. But I also think this is where things start to get a bit twisted, especially from an intertextual sense. Because "enemies-to-lovers" is also commonly used to refer to other ships in other media, whereby it tends to be rooted in an imbalanced power dynamic, such as oppressor-oppressed and bully-victim.

And while that's a whole can of worms that I won't be getting into because it can quickly derail into a whole separate sort of fandom discourse, I'd just like to make it clear that Mizu and Taigen, in particular, do not have an imbalanced power dynamic. They are not bully-victim or oppressor-oppressed. The only understandable reason why someone might actually think their relationship is imbalanced is if

A) they only watched the first episode, or

B) they cannot grasp the slightest bit of nuance in a character, or

C) they're being obtuse on purpose simply because the Mizu/Taigen relationship, or Taigen's character in general, just doesn't suit their tastes.

While yes, Taigen, along with his whole gang, had bullied Mizu when they were children, that dynamic does not exist between them whatsoever in adulthood. Whatever imbalanced bully-victim power dynamic that had once existed between them was decisively ripped apart the moment Mizu beat him in that duel in the dojo, and then completely obliterated by the end of the season.

Mizu is not a defenseless victim at Taigen's mercy. Mizu can beat Taigen's ass any time she wants (and she DOES, repeatedly in fact), and could even kill him if she felt like it. She taunts him openly and without fear ("I like your hair"; "I can beat you with any weapon you choose") and all he does is bark back, because that's pretty much all Taigen ever does. Time and time again, he yaps about how much he wants to kill her, but time and time again, his actions prove that all of it is just an empty threat. Because though his words say "I hate you", his actions demonstrate the complete opposite. He's shown how protective he is of Mizu, how unhesitatingly he sacrifices himself up for her, how loyal he is in enduring days-long torture to not give up information about her, how even when near-death and in pain, he's still willing to keep standing back up so he can fight by her side and help her win against her enemies.

And Mizu is not an idiot! She sees that too. She does not see him as a threat, an enemy, or even a bully. Especially not by the end of Episode 3, and definitely not by the end of the season. When she finds him in the dungeon in Episode 6, she smiles from relief, and doesn't think twice to take him with her. Mizu finds him, at best, an annoyance, or at worst, an infuriating hindrance on her quest for vengeance. Which is why, when Taigen is about to say, "It's a shame our duel's set for tomorrow; I have to kill you before you get your revenge," Mizu whacks him on the head without a second thought before he can even finish his sentence, and leaves him lying unconscious, face-down, in the snow.

And this further emphasises how he does not hold any power over her. There is no abusive power dynamic between them. She is more powerful than him, he knows this, and all he's ever done after they've met up again in adulthood is get his ass whooped by her, get mad about it and pester her and follow her around, get his ass whooped by her some more, and put his life on the line to protect her.

"OOoooOOoooH b-but he called her a demon at the end of Episode 7 and threatened to kill her again!!!" Oh my god. He called her that because he's calling her out on her selfishness to stay silent about her knowledge of Fowler's plans to attack Edo. Because to him, loyalty and honour as a samurai is more important than anything. So in his own brash-and-immature Taigen way, he felt betrayed that Mizu did not hold the same principles. That's why he got angry. He wasn't even that mad about letting Akemi get dragged off by the Tokunobu guards. It was about saving the Shogun and the Shogunate as a whole. That's why the first thing he does in Edo is not find Akemi, but try to warn the Shogun about Fowler's attack.

Look, I'm not defending his stupid ass, of course. Because calling her a demon especially after their cute little wrestling time was obviously rude and inappropriate, especially since words like "demon", "monster" and "Onryo" have had such a deep effect on Mizu throughout her life, and continue to contribute to her self-hatred. But like? That's the fun of realistic and flawed characters, and realistic and flawed relationships. They're not perfect, and it's why we as an audience root for them, wanting to see them work through their shit and find a way to prevail despite it all.

Also, him saying that was in the heat of the moment. He was angry, he felt like his initial belief of who Mizu was—a strong and loyal samurai, just like him—was shattered, and so he lashed out. Was it rude? Definitely. Was it immature of him? Yes, incredibly. But it's also very much in line with his character, because even though he's grown a lot over the course of the season, the show isn't over yet, so obviously his character arc is just beginning, as that is also the case for the other three main characters: Mizu is beginning to accept herself, Akemi is beginning to grow into her position of power, Ringo beginning to train under Master Eiji, while Taigen is beginning to simply be a better person.

On that note, when speaking of Taigen's immaturity, I think that's also one of the main things that people tend to gloss over when it comes to his character. Because when you boil everything down to its bare essentials, Taigen is, essentially, a boy. I've talked about this before, but to reiterate, Taigen very much behaves like an unhealed child. Even as an adult, he is insecure, prone to throwing tantrums, and is desperate to latch onto some material goal in hopes that it will make him feel better—initially he was chasing status/glory/greatness, and then when Mizu tells him that "Nothing comes from being a samurai but death," he immediately decides he wants to run away with Akemi in hopes that he will be happy.

And it's a big step, acknowledging that he doesn't truly want greatness, but had always just assumed it was his only path to a good life. But it's clear he still hasn't really figured it out. Because if he did run off with Akemi to get married and live in the countryside, he still wouldn't be happy. Because he still doesn't know who he really is, or what it is he really wants. Marriage at this moment is the last thing he needs, and as he is now, he would be a pretty awful husband. A simple life would be good for him, but would he be good at a simple life, when he still has so much he needs to work through?

So anyway, what I'm getting at here, is that he's trying and he is learning and growing. So yeah, he is flawed, but honestly? So is Mizu. And the funny thing is that they're flawed in very similar ways.

Because Mizu is also an unhealed child. That's why she's so angry all the time. That's why she pushes people away. That's why she, just like Taigen, is so happy when given the chance to playfully wrestle in the forge, laughing and rolling around like children without shame or pretense.

Again, this shows there is no imbalance between them. They had grown up together as peers from the same town. And while Taigen had had the upper hand back then, because he'd had a gang of other kids with him, that is definitely not the case anymore. Today, they are equally flawed, equally strong, equally skilled swordsmen, and equally bull-headed.

However, yes, Mizu is definitely leagues more mature than Taigen. But she still holds a lot of childhood wounds that mirror Taigen's own. And we see this especially in relation to her mother. Similar to Taigen who had an abusive and alcoholic father, Mizu's Mama was an opium addict and had hit her, berated her, had shaved her head without her consent as a child, and as an adult, had constantly emotionally manipulated and guilt-tripped her. Mizu's love for her Mama was what had driven her to a path of vengeance in the very beginning. And when she'd found out Mama was still alive, she had wanted nothing more than her Mama's love, and it was this alone that pushed her to agree to the marriage with Mikio in the first place. And now, knowing from Fowler that her birth mother is someone else entirely, is what makes her agree to keep him alive and haul his ass to London to seek answers.

Thus, integral to Mizu's self-hatred is also Mizu's intense longing for love and family. Just like Taigen, whose pompousness comes from his insecurity about being the son of a poor fisherman, Mizu's goals are also shaped by who her parents are. Remember, her vengeance is not against just anyone who's corrupt or evil, but specifically against the men who she believes had assaulted her mother, the men she believes had made her a monster, the men she believes had abandoned her to die and continue to try to kill her. Her vengeance is against a father, on behalf of a mother. In The Tale of the Ronin and the Bride, Mizu is not merely the Ronin, the Bride, or the Onryo, but also the Child.

This is also why Ringo is so good, not only for Mizu, but for Taigen as well. Ringo is wise and caring and considerate, but above all, he is in tune with his inner child in ways that Mizu and Taigen are not. He is always earnest and positive, he sees the world with childlike wonder, but is not naive or blind to its ugliness. His whole life has been a battle. Ringo brings out the best in Mizu, consistently acting as her moral compass and conscience, and Mizu's choice to save Akemi in the final episode is only because she promised Ringo that she would. Because it's the right thing to do. Ringo inspires her to be a better person, and to think outside of her narrow-minded goal of revenge. At the same time, Ringo also brings out the best in Taigen. While at first Taigen had looked down on both Mizu and Ringo ("Half-limb to a half-wit"), by the end of the season, he's proud to have Ringo as a friend and ally, he listens to Ringo's advice ("What would Master do?"), and asserts to the fucking Shogun that Ringo is a worthy warrior to have by his side.

Okay, I've gone on a bit of a tangent here, but my main point is that Mizu and Taigen are incredibly similar. They are equals. They are both flawed, unhealed children who are chasing some impossible outlandish goal in hopes that it will fill the void in their hearts. They also both have a long way to go in terms of character development if they were to ever build a healthy romantic relationship (either with each other, or even with anyone else). So while I believe things will be rocky (because duh, it's a story, we all live for the drama, etc), I think with Ringo's help, they'll get there eventually.

[blackstarchanx3new]

Red's characterization is frustratingly inconsistent (based on the viz translation)

So I tried to do a "Red centric" FS reading the other day and honestly:

Red as a character lowkey pisses me off the more I think about him.

Trying to write him doing ANYTHING in FSR just, breaks my brain because: What character does he actually HAVE?

To explain further: WHAT CHARACTERIZATION DOES HE HAVE THAT IS CONSISTANT?

Because I can list a fuck ton of his traits, but none that remain consistent and reliable character traits that I can make into a rule set for me to follow to write him properly and which rules I could BREAK depending on the scenario.

I'mma admit this rn: This might be extremally bad faith reading and I'll admit that with my whole chest but it just bugs me the further I try to think about characterizing him.

Buuuut on the other hand. Venting my frustrations might help me get a grasp on what he's MEANT to be like and that'd be useful.

TLDR: I genuinely think Akira has no fucking clue what they were doing with him and I think he's the worst written Link of the set of four/Shadow Link. (This admittedly could also fall hugely on the fault of the translation team too with botched dialogue.)

And I even hypothesis they cut a whole chapter about him for time. (We'll get to that)

Full rant:

Okay. So you'd think this idiot would be pretty simple to figure out.

There's a lil page dedicated to each Link describing their traits, which are all pretty accurate. (This to my knowledge i only in the legendary???)

EXCEPT IN MY OPINION, RED'S. (Green's too but maybe I'll get into Green at a later time...)

His is just. Wrong. Upfront wrong depending on how you read his character...Which...is imo inconsistent based on the canon events of the story.

Let's go down the list of traits from this page

Easygoing - this is accurate since he takes the mission the least bit seriously between the four and gives everyone silly nicknames.

Bright- ...I'm going to assume this is in reference to his personality being "Optimistic" not his intelligence, as we'll get into soon.

Innocent - ...I have some counter arguments to this one but go off I guess. He's SUPOSIVELY more innocent than the other 3.

Simpleminded - again there is a shit ton to suggest the opposite, but well, get into that shit.

So, depending on how you read the word "bright," there are already inconsistencies with "simple-minded" (I'm trying real damn hard not to be obtuse as fuck here but I'm a stickler for wording...)

So for the "innocent" thing...okay this one particularly rubs me the wrong damn way. Because of a few diffent things.

Let's go over smth first:

Identifying the links, you can always tell its red in a panel due to his even screen tone tunic and white sleeves.

Blue has a gradient that goes almost black with screen toned sleeves. Green also has an even screen tone but black sleeves, and Vio has a noise screentone with white sleeves.

Now, Red's "Innocence" or imo lack there of.

Now thought bubbles are hard to pin to anyone specific without like, tails to lead to characters. The fs manga is guilty of not having proper word bubbles often or pointing at the wrong damn character. But here were lead to think the one who assumed the knights were dead were Red and Green. Green starting the thought and red finishing it here.

Red is the first one willing to stab who they assume to be very close people to them. Green as we know is the one NOT willing to fight and rather just defend himself.

So much for "innocent"

Tangent time: I'm not unconvinced the screen tone artist didnt fuck up here, and this was meant to be Blue, but...uh that's not what it ended up being

It's hard to tell because the eyebrows could be either red or blues from my guess.

Until coloring the first volume of manga I ALWAYS ASSUMED this was Blue.

It's for sure not vio or green since their eyebrows are nearly always blonde/not filled in while Reds are thin but occasionally have a bit more thickness, especially when giving heavier expressions. And if this was meant to be Blue. It would be a bit on the thinner side but would match way more personality wise.

Further on the whole "innocence thing"

Wtf was all this shit

Like...I get it. It's for comedy haha. But it just feels so out of character for him this scene just ends up annoying me.

Like it makes him feel so fake. It makes ALL HIS PREVIOUS AND SCENES HERE ON OUT FEEL FAKE.

His tears feel so crocodile considering he doesn't cry when stabbing someone he assumes to be his friends and does THIS SHIT immediately after assuming blue is MAYBE DEAD???

Seriously I kind of hate this scene it feels so two-faced, out of character, and mean-spirited for no fucking reason.

I get it. It was a joke haha. But why the fuck is he joking around and being a goof when his response to green possibly being dead TWICE was to panic and cry and be terrified for real. Why am I meant to take one seriously and not the other from a character standpoint.

From a character stand point: it just feels like he gives less of a shit Blue is in danger/dying vs Green and considering later character interactions I don't think that's meant to be cannon/intentional. (He also calls out to green exclusively on occasions so like...Again was this on purpose or on accident...)

I'm just not a fan of writing characters shittily and out of character for the sake of comedy that doesn't even land.

From a character context: it just looks like he doesn't give a shit about blue here. Which, fine write him mad blue has been a dick but this feels like such the wrong way to go about it to me. Idk.

Onto his intelligence:

Imma be real it feels like he just is only smart when the writing needs him to be for plot reasons and not for characterization reasons.

His intelligence fluctuates so damn much it drives me insane. He's either dumb as a brick or literally smarter than vio, and there's no in-between or reason behind why. It's not like he's good at certain things and dumb as fuck at other things it's literally just because Akira pulls it out of their asses and said so and that kind of writing especially character based pisses me off. 😭

Examples of red being smart:

I don't have a problem with Red having intelligence of his own, but they had to give vio 1 functional brain cells for this scene to work the way it did. Like red can be smart, it'd be great if he was in some instances! It'd even make sense they're all dumb at some shit or excel at others. That'd make them a good well rounded team!

Vio randomly being shit at directions would be a hilarious character trait.

IS this why he gets lost in the tower of winds? Idk if that's a genuine intentional writing reason, but I'm going to assume/head cannon. Imma say that's why, for my own sanity and making this scene make any sense. But i shouldn't have to justify vio being an idiot here with head cannons.

I'd have loved for a scene where Vio over thinks to shit about smth and red is just like "lol the answer is just this silly" but red and vio literally never speak sooooo...thats off the table.

That almost feels like that's what this was trying to be but just...failed at.

He randomly grows a brain again in the temple of darkness. But it just feels so out of nowhere, considering how he's such an idiot most of the book. Like his competent moments, feel SO out of character in comparison.

Like I can see what I THINK they were trying to do with him but it just doesn't land. It just feels like he randomly grows a brain every so often instead of always having one but he he just lags behind the other three in terms of other contexts.

What i think they were going for is "red IS smart. He IS capable. He just needs to be in the right scenario for it to shine. He has such a unique mindset compared to the other three and hes a valuable team mate"

What it comes OFF as... is bad writing.

Onto his like "crybaby" persona the manga and the Fandom itself likes to fall back on

I've touched on it but it feels so fake.

Like I genuinely cannot tell if this is meant to be a character trait I second guess but it's thrown out the window all the damn time.

-him stabbing that one knight with no fucks given really

-him quickly getting over blue being frozen in lue of a stupid joke

Okay let's see when he DOES CRY...

Virtually all the damn time but here's smth I noticed:

He doesn't cry when shadow dies lmfao.

But he does when they kill random rock babies.

Yeah sorry but that rubs me the wrong way too.

Like Reds whole reaction and facial expressions to shadow dying just gives "I wonder if we're having Wendy's of McDonald's later"

Like I think most people are too distracted by vidow to notice that shit but it's so off-putting from a guy who will take the change to bust out the water works at any given change doesn't shed a damn tear when a version of himself kicks the damn bucket.

Not even a reaction to vio being upset about it. Like wtf.

This is what I mean about him being inconsistent. Literally the entire manga is just "He does x sometimes but not other times when you think he would" I genuinely cannot find rhyme or reason to half his character traits and it drives me up a wall. There's no consistency to ANY OF IT and it just leaves this sense of fakeness and it rubs me such the wrong way.

One last thing:

I'm pretty sure he had a cut chapter centered around Red.

I don't have concrete evidence but here's smth i noticed:

This is the last time we see him before his next apearance

And then...suddenly. THIS IS HIS NEXT APEARANCE:

I'm sorry WHAT.

DID WE MISS SOMETHING???

Randomly:

He has a fairy. They've apparently been looking for the other three. TELEPORTATION IS JUST A THING WITHOUT EXPLANATION???

Like, Wtf????

What my opinion?

And SUDDENLY later Red's all like "I'm so independent!😇 "

WHEN. WHEN DID WE SEE THAT RED BECASE IMEDIATELY AFTER YOUR TOWN SCUFFLE YOU'RE WITH A FAIRY AND GET BLUE SO STFU.

If you want what I THINK happened in this hypothetical cut:

Red got away from the towns people and ran into the fairy, and Shadow shape shifted out of being that kid that stole his shit.

Because like...I never knew that kid was meant to be shadow Link until someone pointed that out as a possibility because...Literally I thought Red having his sword and shield gone after he left the waterfall was an art error and not because of the kid.

Like the fact that is even up for debate whether or not that kid was shadow or it could be misinterpreted is a flaw in the writing imo but whatever.

Like it was never solidly conformed. There's evidence but it wasn't stated/shown directly and having the idea Shadow can shapeshift to THAT DEGREE is very interesting/cool lore. (We know he can look like green/Link but still. Would have been nice concrete powers around him he can be random ass people too and he's not bound to being just Link.)

If you think about it:

Green got the Pyramid segment

Vio gets the whole shadow link subplot

and Blue gets the temple of darkness.

Wtf does red get. He gets tacked on in the temple of darkness KIND OF but that felt like it was ONLY because he didn't get his own chapter and they had to mash Blue and Red's arcs together making both of their arcs WEAKER. And it just, annoys me idk.

Aaaaanywaaaay. That's my rambling nonsense.

I think with the idea of what they were TRYING TO DO with Red's character I can get a better grasp of where to take him in FSR.

It's so hard to describe why Red gives me "uncanny valley" vibe in his characterization but I hope I did a decent job explaining my thoughts.

You probably noticed: When smth about red doesn't make any fucking sense. I try to rationalize it. But I don't think there was any thought behind a lot of what he does. Which is why it makes me annoyed. 😭

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

i think i saw you talk about picayune a bit on your twitter! i was wondering about it if you’re willing to give your thoughts. i heard it was similar to that one game that’s called the void rains upon her heart, at least from a friend of mine.

hi anonymous; although i say i could gush about it: i mostly said everything i:d want to on the twitter already, but yeah: i love it, it:s a sneaky "top game of the year" for me, i think, and is one of those passion-projects (?) that just feels as though it carries with it a-lot of love for game design and just the act of creating games; i:d put it like this: i really enjoy survivors-type games because they:re dopamine-traps that just give me skinners-box gratification when i:m struggling to get through a day, but as a genre the games are very formulaic and usually seem like they:re 1) cynically made because the formula is hot + can make some easy cash for little effort since the game-design aspect is just laid out like clean providence 2) made a little more earnestly but usually for a developer as an exercise which happens to also be probably decently lucrative -- and both of these prior points lead to pretty stale experiences, but dopamine-trap experiences that i like all-the-same, as-well: due to me just not having a lot of money outside of my weekly grocery budget, i don:t really let myself spend money on non-grocery things, so: looking @ picayune dreams i was hit with this mix of "this looks awesome" and "i know this formula and the gloss is just going to be another stale 100% achievement grind that:ll eat up my time but leave me mad at myself for wasting $5 when i need groceries" -- but it had a demo, and (happily) the demo betrayed my cynicism and just oozed with sincerity on behalf of the developers, so: i bought it.

it:s a very good blend of shmup/bullet-hell type gameplay and the standard survivors-genre, and although i don:t think it:s the best gameplay in either genre, the experience as one whole is executed perfectly for what it is: it unfolds and never seems lazy in its effort or gameplay; the obtuse mechanics are fun to figure out; the story segments (while super iterative of yume nikki type rpgmaker stuff) have this razor-sharp conciseness for the vibe it wants you to feel that i really enjoy (it reminds me of scientology, archangel:nemesis in a weird way: because the breadth of the plot centers around being selected to save a humanity that is trapped down here on earth, sort-of indifferent to your mission -- and i think it creates this plot really beautifully despite using very little words or demanding a lot of your time (<- this point here is key for me, cause i have northernlion syndrome of nearly no-longer having patience for games that want me to stare at some story for a long time, or hit you with tutorials before gameplay, or whatever: picayune dreams just goes and trusts you to figure it out)).

i haven:t played it much lately, cause (if it had one fault, which is more just my user-experience than the devs) the runs can get to be longer than i have patience for (you can loop and at this point you:re getting close to an hour run), so i end up self-destructing when i get bored;

i:d encourage anyone to give the demo a try, or just look at the steam-page and take in the art direction -- it:s a game that probably won:t let you down if it even /slightly/ looks interesting to you, & i still feel a rush of goosebumps when the final song comes in during the last boss; it:s just solid (void rains upon her heart is another one of these great games for me but i 100%'d it earlier in the year and have just been waiting for the dev to add more content; that:s another game that i think more people should give love to because it blends shmup+roguelite formula better than any other attempt i:ve played and also never really let my expectations as a player down as i trusted it to unfold with content and excitement -- because that:s what i like about this trend of roguelite/meta-progression in games: games that use these are like constantly wanting to award you with more because it:s like they are just so eager to spend time with you and don:t want to let you down (at the least cynical)).

at the moment though i:m just playing DCSS cause i:m back in a "everything feels pretty dull and colorless at the moment" spell -- but again: that:s why i love stuff like picayune dreams and sci-fi harry; occasionally stuff surprises you with its love, its passion, and you can:t help but let yourself be affected, and i like being affected.

take care.

[quidfree]

hi, i just finished re-reading TLAAO (now going to the sequel) and i have a few questions lingering if you are willing to answer? (how many years too late i am?)

first of all, i love TLAAO. it's my favorite shouto-centric and my favorite todobaku (it might be my favorite bnha fanfic ever actually but there's some tough competition with your other fics specially that with the BL setting that is hilarious). you get their characters and their dynamic so so so so so well. i really like how you write them, specially shouto. i won't say anything on how he is usually characterized but your characterization is really great. it seems so very close to canon but a lot more layered. you bring more dimensions to his character, to how he feels and to how he thinks, to how he reacts to people, to relationships, and specially to his work. you build him up a lot from the canon material. dare i say he feels more like a fully realized character than in the animanga? it's true. i really like his introspectiveness and how he's perceptive and obtuse at the same time and how he thinks best in his feet but is so intelligent and how he is mostly nice but not always and difficult and so stubborn but very straightforward and honest although emotionally messy and so ambitious too. i like how his feelings are complicated, his thoughts are complicated, his relationships are complicated. oh, and i love that you let him adopt a cat!

you write todobaku's relationship in a way that actually feels authentic to both characters, and also very interesting, and messy, and so so so compelling. i like how compatible they are in a lot of ways, and their back-and-forth, and how in sync they fight, but i also really like that it's shown that it's difficult anyhow, because misunderstandings happen, because they are both complicated, with a lot of baggage and insecurities and defense mechanisms that overlap; and i like how adult, mature their relationship is. they are still very young, but they aren't teenagers anymore. their relationship development feels really grounded.

you write hawks so well too, although it seems like shouto doesn't get along too well with him, and just fine, which is understandable as their personalities don't clash that well and, well, the whole hawksendeavor and hawksdabitouya dynamics. i also love how much of camie you have included. she's so entertaining and how todobaku reacts to her is funny. i really like that they are close! your writing of momo is also really good as well. it made me appreciate her more and i already liked her a lot! i like your villains too, from godzilla (silly in such a good way) to "twilight" (ditto) to kajiya (mastermind) to kamiya (interesting quirk) and how you write hero work is really interesting.

don't worry about this being 'late', it's actually a real pleasure to hear people still enjoying things i wrote years ago (although i have to fight the itch to constantly edit my older works just a little).

i'm glad you like 'my' shouto, who is near and dear to my heart to write, and that the groundedness comes across. of course i'm always happy to hear people like the supporting cast, because i think having more than just the main couple really enriches the story and (importantly) is very fun for me to write. and thanks for the villain love!!

[beevean]

Rank your top 5 Belmonts And if you have the energy/desire to do more: Rank your top 5 Castlevania games Rank your top 5 Castlevania tracks

5) Richter. I don't think much of the guy, but undeniably he is a very important figure, the symbol of the cracking of the Belmont legacy. At first, he's a hotblooded shonen young warrior, full of energy and life and will to fight... and then we learn that the will to fight is actually an issue, because after he defeated Dracula at age 19, he found no other reason to live.

4) Simon. Got higher up to the list in recent times <3 he's the Belmont, without any drama or obvious flaw. But I've come to like that about him, and admire his feats in Simon's Quest that show that he's not just a formidable badass, but a very noble man too, willing to even bury his foe out of respect.

3) Leon. He deserved none of that :( Leon is another Belmont mainly defined by his noble nature, perhaps to a fault (my good man why are you storming a vampire castle without a sword). His shining moment is, of course, him rejecting Mathias' absurd proposal: he may be full of anger against his former friend, to the point of swearing vengeance and dooming his descendants to a lifetime of fighting, but he also refuses to fall into the pit Mathias won't escape from, and has the perfect rebuttal for his inane logic and indirectly Dracula as a whole: "But defeating him... No, preventing others from suffering the same cursed fate... That was Sara's dying wish... Granting my beloved's wish. That is all I can do to prove my love to Sara. Eternity without her would be nothing but emptiness."

2) Juste. The golden child in deep denial :D It's a bit unfair that he gets reduced to "Alucard Belmont" and at most praised for his OP powers, but hey, he's not the only one. He has an interesting personality if you read between the lines, from his brashness that contrasts with his angelic looks, to how fervently he forces Maxim to keep Lydie in the dark. Also he's the king of interior decor :P

1) Trevor. He's the Sonic of Castlevania. He invented the Superpower of Teamwork™. He's kind and helpful to those he considers his friends and a terrifying menace if he thinks you're in his way (he won't ask first). He has the Legs of all time. His theme slaps an inordinate amount of ass. He's shaped like a friend and I love him <3

(a close runnerup would be Christopher, because I really like the concept of an older Belmont, who thought that could retire, nyooming to rescue his son from Dracula's influence <3 a prelude of things to come <3)

~

I was sure I had already ranked them, but perhaps I need to remake the list anyway...

5) Adventure ReBirth. Admittedly it's been a while since I replayed it, but I have fond memories of it as far as Classics go. It's simple, it's well designed, it's fun, it has kickass remixes (Aquarius <3) I wish it wasn't so obscure because I think it's the best entry point for those interested in the genre.

4) Portrait of Ruin. Y'all sleep on this title unfairly. Jonathan and Charlotte are very fun to play as, the gimmick of the paintings allows for new locations rarely explored in the series, it has an interesting mission system that makes the game more fun to master, and an OST that seriously deserves more love.

3) Curse of Darkness. Yes, it's noticeably flawed, from the mindnumbing level design to the obtusity of Forging. It's not a game I can pick up whenever I want, the only reason I can't put it in first place. But aside from that, it honestly feels like it was designed just for me and my tastes lmao. The fighting/crafting/raising loop is incredibly addictive and reminds me of the Sonic Adventure games <3 and ofc, as you could tell, I'm in love with the characters and story :P

2) Symphony of the Night. The one, the myth, the legend. Describing it feels like a waste of time. It's a timeless classic for a reason. It may not be perfect, but much like Super Metroid, I think the atmosphere is so well crafted that it pulls you in regardless of any issues you might have. It's an experience to be had.

1) Harmony of Dissonance. Oh yeah. This game is stupid fun to me. I just pick it up and play it to wind down. The ability to dash in both directions makes it a 10/10, then you add the spells that are fun to experiment with, the breakability, the COLORS FEEL SO RIGHT, the eerie music (yes it's good! it's good!!! fight me!!!!), Maxim Mode...

~

I was also sure I had this list... how could I pick only 5 tracks from this giant, beautiful repertoire...? D:

5) Chapel of Dissonance. Unlike many of the tracks in this soundtrack, this one is perfectly hummable and sweet. It fits the beautiful sky like a glove, and it may subtly reference Divine Bloodlines which is a stroke of genius :)

4) Lost Painting. SoTN abunds in jaw-dropping tracks, but this one feels uniquely magical, and it plays just in the right areas of the castle (a chapel, a library, and icy caves). It sounds like a sad lullaby sung to Alucard, and I hear reluctance to venture further and fight.

3) Garibaldi Courtyard. I have no clue why this mundane area in the game has music that brings me to tears. Similar in atmosphere to Lost Painting and Fog-Enshrouded Nightscape, but with CoD's more modern sound. I don't know how to put into words the profound sadness I hear here.

2) Dracula Battle (SCIV). I cannot gush enough about the genius of this track as the final boss theme. It never gets faster, or drop a harder beat: you only get these long strings and this complex arpeggio for an unsettling atmosphere. I said back then: "It sounds like you're quietly resigning yourself to your fate. You will die. But that's alright. He will die too."

1) Leon's Theme. This could pass for a classical piece. It's perfect in every way. You can almost touch Leon's sorrow and anger - you can hear the fingers pressing on the piano! It gets you pumped to reach the end of the game, and you get to grieve with Leon for the terrible night he's going through. Special shoutout for the part at 1:34 for sounding like the aforementioned Dracula theme.

[doonarose]

Right, so, Good Omens. Legit my favorite book, number one, since I was about 12 or 13 which was… some several years ago (I have tumblr Good Omens posts over ten years old! Gather round wee youngins). Loved the first season, did the book justice, love the actors, love neil, blah blah (a scattering of posts for this from four years ago). Closed circuit for me, though, no work to do, enjoyed, rewatched, enjoyed, left it be, waiting for season two (which I was reasonably convinced was an entirely bad idea, just like I’d been reasonably convinced a TV adaptation of the book was an entirely bad idea, and been happily wrong).

Second season – dunno what I was expecting – but it wasn’t that and I didn’t love it, I was a touch disappointed in it when I first finished it up, because I watched it distracted and having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed or whatever, but sometimes things take a while to settle and find their place in my brain.

We read a book called ‘I for Isobel’ in Year 11 of high school and I hated that book my first read -ranted about how rubbish a piece of literature it was – and my very wise English teacher gently promised she’d convince me otherwise. I still remember the earth-shattering shift in teenaged perception I experienced when I realized I could learn to love a piece of art I had adamantly despised and also, that it made perfect sense that a character such as Isobel could call herself a preposition and be equal parts right and wrong (I was also, most definitely, identifying as a preposition for a while there). Same with Pride and Prejudice, I hated that smug motherfucker and Elizabeth for losing her mind and fawning over him, a different English teacher again told me to sit with it, reread it, examine the angles. Both those books are still in my top ten.

And – don’t panic – at this point, of thinking and watching and thinking, I am enamoured with the second season of Good Omens. Different to season 1, and different to the book, but utterly gorgeous and complex, giddy and romantic and soft but infuriating. I mean, the season isn’t infuriating, in and of itself; it’s very good, except that it sets up our leads to be infuriating, and it does it on purpose and that is infuriating and boy, oh boy, do I love me a ‘shit communication’ trope. Even the dumb teenage humans are bad at communication trope (see: Glee) and the dumb alien and naïve human are bad at communication trope (see: Doctor Who), but, perhaps, especially, the intensely experienced, smart, worldly dumbass angel/demon duo are bad at communication trope. I can buy into the way that season ended in about two dozen different ways, but it certainly made sense to me. Some angles paint Aziraphale as a bit of a dumbass, a bit obtuse, a bit self-centred, and some paint Crowley as the poster-boy for self-sabotaging, woe-is-me, overly-willing martyr. Nothing deal-breakingly bad about those characters, just some very well-fleshed out, obvious flaws bubbling to the top.

So anyway, who the fuck is reading this? I’m writing it despite a ridiculously busy life just at this particular moment in time, because I miss writing. My whole job is writing. Emails, protocols, research proposals, reviews, scientific articles, and I’m just fine at that but Jesus Christ that shit isn’t character or place or emotionally anchored (it is 90% utter bullshit, honestly). We still teach the bloody undergrads to write past-tense, third person, passive voice for fuck’s sakes. We do an assignment where we take marks off for any sort of connotation-laden language and I lose my mind trying to explain to colleagues that their list of connotative words from the 1980s is no longer relevant. That six students choosing to call a particularly clingy amoeba ‘thirsty’ is very connotative and not at all scientific and actually, very much, hilarious.

I’ve known I miss writing for almost a decade. The fleet car I sometimes have to drive locked me out at a service station in the middle of nowhere for two hours. This happened several months ago and it triggered a medium-sized tantrum (for various other reasons) and I therapeutically wrote a 5600 word fictionalized (but honestly, very accurate and quite funny) account of the event. I sent that shit to my boss.    

Anyway, yes, I could write several, long, winding, satisfying fics to follow season two. But that sounds hard and like working in a vacuum and there’s so much source material to align with and so much fanon dissection ahead of me that instead, during all my long drives and boring seminars of the last ten days or so, I’ve been dipping into next kisses.

Because that kiss was rubbish (ohIlovedit). I have theories about that kiss that spin off into complex heaven and hell lore thinking and what all the nuance and foreshadowing mean, but I don’t, just now, have ten days to sit here and think and type (just about the kiss that I’m not at all convinced was primarily an actual kiss). So, I’ve just skipped season 3 (not a typo) and the whole second coming thing, and the whole them not being very happy with each other thing, and also, yes, them being woefully incompatible with each other (and the state of the universe) at the end of Season 1 and all through Season 2 and jumped to the end of Season 3.

It's a warm, sated, luxurious place to inhabit (built on an imperfect foundation of Neil writing the way I think he will, I hope, I’ll beg). They’ll be safe, happy, and openly in love with each other (yes, of course they’ve said it, Season 3 is over so they can’t have not said it – you fool!) and they’ll be talking (#NinaMaggieWisdom). Admittedly they’ll still be pretty shit at the ‘safe’, ‘happy’ and ‘talking’ bits, but doing quite reasonable at the ‘openly being in love thing’, actually.   

And I can totally buy into the ‘angels have no genitals’ thinking or the ‘angels have no gender’ thinking or the ‘angels are asexual’ thinking, that all makes a great deal of sense to me and can be written well, and I can read and enjoy (and could certainly see Season 3 play out like any of these). But I know I would really, really, struggle with those characters (and dare I say, with those actors (stop it)) and my own brain wiring and projection, with trying to not make them romantic.

So I’ve started to mentally play it out romantically. And then tactile. Which became touch-starved, touch-desperate, and all ‘pleasures of the flesh’ and ‘enjoying the human things’. Which, yes, of course, became sexual (do you not know me at all?) but calm down, please (I’m talking to me, lbh).

Anyhow. Next kisses, because that first one shouldn’t count. The timings are malleable, the order of 3-7 are interchangeable. There’s structure and dialogue (and choreography!) for all of them.

The second time (aka the first time it’s overwhelmingly, categorically right, albeit still complicated, and not at all as straightforward as it should be).

The third time (aka not really the third time because they don’t – they can’t – because it’s extremely awkward and weird, maybe they’ll never do it again).

The fourth time (aka, the first time since it was awkward that it’s not awkward, thank goodness).

The eleventh time (aka it’s like in the movies, there’s a rainstorm and they get wet and have to take shelter under an awning, oh my).

The twenty first time (aka the time someone thinks this is an appropriate way to inform their neighbours).

The twenty-fifth time (aka the first time they do it without thinking about doing it).

The forty first time (aka actually this time a bit more than kissing and it’s all together too good for Crowley (it’s not what you think, honest)).

The seventy third time (aka actually this time quite a bit more than kissing and it’s all together too good for Aziraphale (it’s totally what you think)).

I’m dumping this here after a long, personal post, because that way I can delete it and almost no one will have seen it. But it reads too well behind my eyes to not share (but I’m still tagging it because I’m a mysterious enigma of a needy bitch). A lot of this I came up with while driving and I had to stop myself from pulling over on a highway to scribble things down and that felling is gorgeous and so missed. So, I’m holding onto it for tonight by releasing a little bit of it into an abandoned, dormant blog, that seems to have a bunch of ghosts around.

I have scrawled notes from yesterday’s symposium to transcribe and flesh out. And tomorrow I’m getting a new couch delivered.

[kabutoraiger]

decided to play and finish tales of the abyss for the very first time... in actuality i did not quite finish it as i made it to the final dungeon, failed 10 times at the solo asch fight due to being horrendously bad at video games, and gave up & experienced the rest via the let's play on lparchive (which id already been skimming for all the obtuse side quests i missed)

regardless, i ended up surprisingly conflicted on this one... i watched the anime adaptation as a teen and remember really liking it and ive osmosised the game as one of the best tales but in practice it's like. half something im extremely into and half really not.

when the plot is focused on the score and the replicas and the themes of self determination from both those angles are coalescing it's like yes!! epic!! thinking about van's scheme and the idea of putting faith in an exact copy of the world & all its people to live on while you die along with the original... just like SOMA! 🥰 - me when something is just like SOMA.

but then as soon as i start having to button through whole convos about fonic resonance or sephiroths or whatever the fuck my mood just plummets and im like

"what it's like playing tales of the abyss when you're gay and dumb and still don't know what a fonon is 40 hours in"

as an established jrpg liker i do have some built in resistance to sf/f jargon but i dunno. smth about this feels so much harder to follow than what's typical for tales...

and i feel the same kind of split opinion about the characters like this game has me by the throat with what jade and guy have going on but the rest of the party simply does Not hit for me. luke is interesting as a vehicle for the plot & its existential questions i guess but as an actual character. not so much. same with asch. and all 3 of the girls feel weak in the ranks of tales girls. tear in particular is so boringg 😭 im perfectly willing to open my heart to basic-ass "responsible no nonsense woman who secretly loves cute things" type characters but only if they have literally anything going on besides that!!

not to mention that abyss is pretty aesthetically blah for a tales game... even if i did play the 3ds version, on which to quote a popular tumblr post "a polygon has never looked worse", ive seen a bunch of the original too and it just looks so washed out & there's so few truly memorable locations in this world to begin with. symphonia was the same gen and it had a better desert town, faaar better snow town, fun amusement park locale, etc. i suppose abyss does have its own carnival type place but a ton of players will never even see it so like. 😐

i dunno. it was a real ups and downs experience for sure. glad to finally get to it though after all these years. maybe i am on my way to finally becoming a non-fake tales fan. we shall see!

[sabbathbloodysabbeth]

I always forget that I shouldn’t give a shit about promoting something that I’m working my ass off on. That I should throw it in everybody’s face and glare as the yoke goes down there face 😡

Just kidding! Though I’m close to finishing up chapter two of ‘Bark At The Moon’ a little half way. And I decided why not post a little snippet from chapter 2. (Because im impatient and have control issues.)

Once again neither of them had been hiding their friendship at all, yet somehow Jason Carver was even more convinced that Chrissy had been cheating on him with Eddie. The guy was obtuse. Barely noticing that he was neglecting his relationship with such a wonderful human being, and seemingly being the only person at school who didn't pay attention to the gay rumors that have surrounded Eddie for years now. Sure, they were false. Well not fully. Like many things in life he even half assed being gay. Something that even shocked him.

"But I didn't even do anything Chris?" Eddie laughs softly. Turning his head to look at her shyly. Smiling gently as she gives him a bewildered look. Nearly stumbling over her feet in the process, blushing at the way Eddie's hand moves out and quickly helps her catch her balance. Smiling even more shy as he makes sure she's good before letting go. Ignoring the way her face goes a light pink.

A second passes before they both start to move again, Eddie's heart racing and face going a little red when he catches his Uncles eyes from the corner of his vision on them once again. He needed to ground himself, he was here to help search for Steve. Not trip over his feet for a cute girl who just got out of a relationship. That would be the most stupidest thing he has ever done, having a crush on somebody in a relationship is bad but liking someone who just got out of a relationship seeking for comfort? That might be worst. He felt like he was taking advantage of her, and he refused to do that. He didn't want to become some manipulative asshole.

"Well, I don't know. The fact that you knew more about my interests then my own boyfriend- well ex boyfriend. Was saying a whole lot about his character and very eye opening to me." Chrissy hums. Moving and walking again. Being more careful then what she had been. "And the fact that you went on a hour long rant over face time about how I deserved much better then him." She laughs gently. Eddies face only grows a bit more pink as he moves a hand shyly to move his curls in front of his face. In hopes to hide his facial expression. Though, there wasn't much hiding as he trips and falls on his hands and knees. Faintly hearing the laughter of his fellow teenagers behind him. He's flustered but what convinces him more that Chrissy is willing to be his friend, is the way she angrily turns on her heel and flips Jason and his small gang off. Silencing then, as Chrissy Cunningham never did such things.

Moving back, she bends down a little bit and helps Eddie up. Beaming as she giggles. "Happy to know I'm not the only clumsy one walking these woods." She jokes.

"Chrissy, you've literally been on top of a pyramid." Eddie snorts, not believing that she was clumsy at all.

"Yeah.. but that took a lot of practice. I don't know about you but I don't have much practice walking in these woods." She giggles, moving her smaller hands off from his forearms. Smiling as she starts to lead them forward once again.

"So...." Chrissy drags the word out gently, moving her feet and kicking stones around as they keep furthering their way into the woods.

"So?" Eddie snorts, looking at her with wonder. Biting his lip with a soft smile. Carefully fleeting his eyes from her back to the front of him. His eyes meeting Wayne's who was giving him a knowing look and a smirk. Causing him to mouth a silent 'fuck off' . He felt like some cringe eight year old dealing with his crush for the first time. This was all new to him, he's never had feelings for anyone before. Never had any desire about finding someone to have a relationship with, he was just Eddie and now he regrets not getting some experience. Maybe then if he had he wouldn't be literally tripping over his feet as much.

"Have you ever dated anyone before?" Chrissy asks curiously. Soft eyes looking at him, no looking through him as if she knows something he doesn't. A soft smile on her face, making her seem even more welcoming then before. Not judging as Eddie starts to cough a bit awkwardly, face a bright red as he shakes his head no in her direction. "Not even a guy?" She asks curiously. And oh god. Chrissy Cunningham believed  all of the rumors that surrounded him. Of course, her morbid curiosity was putting him in a rough spot. He was uncomfortable and he's never had to have this discussion with anyone before. Not even Wayne knew about his secret fantasies about Pedro Pascal, and if he did he was hiding it very well.

"Chrissy, you can't just ask things like that." Eddie hisses. For the first time since being around her, his shoulders are tense. His eyes fleeting over to his Uncle, who most likely thinks he's having one of the most straightest experiences of his life. Then his head turns carefully behind him, watching the way Jason jumps around a bit. Not taking any of this as seriously as he should. Here Eddie walked, on his journey to find Steve Harrington and on that journey he was somehow coming out as Bisexual. How ironic. Considering the fact he had a tiny, little crush on him when they had been younger. Long forgotten now.

"Oh, are you not?" Chrissy's eyes furrow with concern. "I assumed that you were after you wrote a whole poem about   Dean Winchesters chest." She whispers now. Catching onto trying to be low as possible.

Eddie rubs a hand over his face. Oh god he was going to die. He was willing to trip and crack his head open if it meant that he got out of this entire fucked up situation. Though there was something lurking inside of him that wanted to talk about this with someone. Of course, the whole conversation about Jenson Ackles "tits" had been had when he was completely high off his ass. Not thinking about what he was typing to Chrissy. Of course, a few other friends have received similar messages but it was something unsaid. Never to be brought up in front of anyone ever again. A stoned Eddie was a horny Eddie. Anxiety rose in his chest as he tosses a glance in his Uncles's way once again. Then sighing he gives in. Leans a little closer as he takes a shaky breathe.

"I do like guys, but I also like girls. And I would much rather leave my Uncle in the dark about that because there is no chance in a million years that I'm ever going to end up with a guy in the middle of bum fuck nowhere." Eddies voice cracks a little as he rambles close to the other. Wanting, no needing this conversation to be private as possible. "So-" he drags out the word that started this conversation awkwardly.

Chrissy smiles as she moves her hand down and carefully squeezes his hand into hers. Making his heart race as he quickly decides to add. "That and you can't just ask someone that out of nowhere? That's like... outing or something." His voice cracks more as he doesn't look up from the ground. Ears pink as well as he keeps walking forward. Not even sure where they were going, definitely not towards Steve Harrington. That was for sure.

"I'm so sorry. I thought we had this conversation over text message already. If I had known I wouldn't have just blurted it out like that. I know what it's like you know?" She says softly. Causing Eddie's head to poke up with interest. He's tempted to be bitter, tempted to say a snarky "how does the queen know? Do tell" instead he doesn't say that and just stays silent as he decides to listen. He wasn't good at good at reading signs, but this felt like a very keep your mouth shut situation.

"I think I might like both as well." Chrissy's soft voice cracks a little. Looking ahead, not meeting Eddie's eyes. "Though I think I have a preference for girls." She says gently. Eddies heart is conflicted. Here, there stood someone who was like him and that made him so happy. But there was another part, sad at the realization that the chances of being with her were remotely slim. He doesn't say anything, lets the information sink in. He squeezes her hand gently as he smiles painfully. Off to his left he sees his uncle smiling over at them. Probably assuming that they just confessed their love for each other, instead of coming out.

The situation was strong, emotional and overwhelming. But Eddie knew that Chrissy Cunningham was going to be his best friend in the entire world. No matter what he felt towards her.

Link to the first chapter

Chapter 2 should be up very soon :) I’m excited to share it lol.

[sapphybandit]

CW vent on creative pursuits & mental health

Lately, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and yet also like I'm not doing enough at the same time. I've got like 4 personal projects I'm trying to work on but I don't really feel like I'm doing enough?

Or more like, I don't really know what I'm doing, but, I know no one ever really does.

But all of those projects were pursued with the intent to enable me to have a creative form of expression. To fight against this deeply rooted notion that my place is in the background and I deserve to be quiet, and silent.

I have worlds I want to build, stories to tell, I have people I want to help with my own learned experience and resources. I want to act, I want to exist, and not just be some name on a list. I feel compelled to make something because I *feel* it inside wanting to come out, I just, don't know how.

And fuck, I know with a bit of honing of my skills there's *something* there that's gonna really have an impact. The problem is just figuring out....what that is. I do a lot of things pretty decently that have made a difference in a few folks, but I can't seem to...focus on anything enough to refine it further.

Live streaming is going well enough, I think? People seem to love my voice and my charm, and it introduces folks to new games while raising money for charity. Not a lot of money, but some. But I only seem to have time to stream once a week, and it takes a lot of energy to be "On" for so long.

There's voice acting for a NSFW animation because I know I have "that voice" and it might be fun to see people's reactions when its all done. But at the same time that kinda feeds into the whole "meat market" mentality that im not super fond of. I already have been pursued, used, and abused because of my looks, and I'm afraid of my voice contributing to people not seeing *me*, but just the hot girl they wanna fuck.

There's indie game work for a beautiful queer story, and I want so desperately to see it ship, but I've never had so much responsibility before. I keep finding myself paralyzed when I think about how much work will have to go into this "small" game, over years. I worry about letting the other devs down, even though they have told me its okay if i never contribute to the game. I just wish I had more time, or energy to really write some awesome code, but its so hard after spending 8 hours during the day juggling meetings and design docs and obtuse code bases. Its hard to code more after coding all day, even if the mind is willing, the body ain't moving.

And then it all goes back to personal art. It seems simple, self reliant, no pressures. But there's so much emotional baggage I still push thru left from folks no longer in my life, like it took me hours for me to soothe myself enough to just open CSP for the first time this year. Trying not to trauma dump, but, fuck I've just been through a lot, I've been treated terribly before, and unfortunately the pursuit of art was tied closely to those events and those traumas.

The issue now, though, is more of what I had before the incident, where I have the vision of the art piece in my head, but my hands and my technical knowledge aren't far enough to actually make the piece. Its like seeing a finished game, wanting to make your own, but not knowing how to navigate a game engine. I know I have things to learn, but I struggle with identifying the what.

And I just get overwhelmed. Then my attention swaps to another venture, makes a few steps, and I get overwhelmed again. It doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere or accomplishing anything.

I think I'm seeing a lot of paths I can take but I see the length of each path on the grand scale, and it makes it hard for me to just stick to one and identify first, little steps.

Worst part is I know so much of this is a problem of my own creation lol. No one is making me do this! I can totally just, work and vibe and play games and kiss girls and be fine. But fuck, I want more, and I wanna make something. I don't even really care if it has a big or small impact, I just can't let life pass by constantly being a....small silent pushover. Im not that type of fuckin person. Im no ones arm candy, or wallet, or fuck toy. Im not gonna let anyone control me like that ever again.

My beauty, my worth, is my mind and its words. And I'll find a way to let it speak, and thrive, and blossom. To fully claim my identity, my personality, and let it be seen and heard.

I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. I'll figure out my forward.

[masochistartt]

https://www.tumblr.com/masochistartt/765011159749378048/httpswwwtumblrcommasochistartt76499487678175?source=share

This is a fucking awesome explainer that deserves to be seen and understood by everyone but lol I actually meant the fandom tea side - I know and agree with everything you've explained here, I was curious about what kinds of things people in the fandom are doing that is like, obtusely naive of this stuff. I guess from this post I can extrapolate but yeah - so much of this is fundamental to what a footballer is actually like and I do think the fandom has gotten... let's just say softer and more annoying and cutesy as it's grown. But I was curious about like, specifics about people being wrong and what kind of stuff had been pissing you off. I guess just people making shit too wholesome and not getting that these guys aren't Online Woke? I also think the show missed a lot of opportunities with not showing WAG culture and how many of them have kids young, but I think they wanted them to feel more like kids themselves to Ted/audience. Ugh. Isaac has like 3 kids to me. PS I am so bummed Brennan deleted, he is an angel.

oh im sorry i 1000% fell asleep before i saw this message !!! there's not been one particular thing that's pushed me over the edge per se, it's just a bunch of little things that've built up over time and i was willing to start fights last night haha

like anyone can interpret the show whatever way they want to it's not up to me to tell them how to view this (again) lighthearted show i'm just someone who thinks that there's context to be had in knowing the culture outside of the show (esp with storylines like colin's and jamie's and things that could really do with additional context for nuanced portrayals like with roy)

also 100% agree with all that stuff at the end - they wanted the players to be like. yeah like kids to ted (and the targeted viewership is. american middle aged dads. which people also forget a lot i think) so seeing them with whole ass families would offset that !!

i also agree isaac has like 3 kids and his partner from the wedding scene was his childhood gf who he married when he got his first professional contract :') <3

and i also also feel bad about brennan being forced into deleting his accounts like. people need to Calm Down and Leave People Alone seriously what did this man, a stranger who kicks a ball around for a living, ever do to you to make you react like that. football's not that serious babes <3333 and good for him on that scoring streak he deserved it (same applies to brendan hunt - fandom's not that serious and people need to take a step back)

[readnburied]

What I Read in March

Target: 12

Read: 7

I read more in the month of March than I have so far in the year, but still didn’t quite manage to reach my goal for the month. But no worries, since I read some really great books while others felt like a waste of time. So here are the books I read in the month of March.

Marina by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

This is a standalone novel and revolves around the life of Oscar Drai who meets Marina by chance when he’s on his way exploring the quarters of Barcelona. Their meeting leads them to a cemetery where they meet a strange woman who perform a strange set of practices, which make no sense. So they decide to follow her only to realize there were things happening that were not only beyond their comprehension but actually beyond their control. 

I went into this book with high expectations as it was tagged as a gothic book and it was, to an extent. But then the author decides to pull a Frankenstein on us with all the monsters and gore and that really put me off. Instead of feeling scared I was just grossed out, because I don’t like gore in horror novels. And when I read how the author wrote this book in the horror genre, I have to say I disagree. I didn’t find anything particular scary in this book. There was a lot of mystery and intrigue though, but nothing horror. It reminded me of American Horror Story with the gore and monsters. So I was pretty disappointed but I loved the gothic aspects and atmosphere of the story. 

Once You’re Mine by Morgan Bridges

This is book 1 in the Possessing Her series and follows Calista who goes from riches to rags upon the death of her father and is trying to find his killer, and Hayden Bennett,who happens to be a powerful lawyer and can’t help his feelings for Calista, even though he had a personal vendetta against her father. But when fate throws Calista in Hayden’s path, he can’t help his obsession and ends up doing things he didn’t thought he’d do but he also knows he wouldn’t stop. 

I only read this book as a palette cleanser and I have to admit I was incredibly bored. Everything was incredibly predictable, even though stories like this usually are. But I just wanted some darkness and intensity and that wasn’t exactly delivered… at least, not as much as I wanted. Calista can certainly be obtuse and oblivious at times and Hayden was just boring. I just didn’t enjoy this book and I’m not sure if any of you would either. 

Seeing Sound by Albany Walker

This is book 1 the Tasting Madness series and focuses on Waylynn who has secrets which are better left in the dark and Memphis and Oswald Gravlin who can’t help but be drawn to Waylynn, to the point where they’re willing to do anything to keep her safe and happy. 

I don’t want to be mean but this book was downright lame. Like I regret ending the month with this book. I don’t like RH and this is the reason why I don’t like it. But it wasn’t the RH factor which I didn’t like, it was the book as a whole. The characters are incredibly flat; like one dimensional. Each of the three characters have exactly one personality trait each. Everything happens so fast and so conveniently that it doesn’t make sense. Like even in RH, if there are multiple love interests, there is a strong factor of jealousy among them initially which wasn’t there in this book. 

I mainly chose this book because of the title. I thought Waylynn had synesthesia, which is something I love to read about. But boy, was I disappointed. She doesn’t have synesthesia. But her condition doesn’t make sense to me when the title is explained in the book. I just wasted my time with this and yes, I regret it. 

The ending was downright absurd and frankly had me rolling my eyes with how predictable and boring it was. I’m sorry for being mean, but I’m just so disappointed. 

Circe by Madeline Miller

This is a standalone novel and a Greek mythology retelling about the witch Circe who is famous for turning her guests into animals as she thinks everyone is her enemy. And in a way everybody is, with the gods turning against her and her own family failing to accept her. But she doesn’t give up despite being shunned and shows the world just how powerful she is. 

This book is crazy popular in the book community and because of all the raves and praise this book receives, I had high expectations. But after reading it, I didn’t understand what the hype is about. The book reads more like a diary or an autobiography of Circe as she goes about her days and life. Yes, the Greek mythology aspect is interesting but I didn’t find this story as anything more than a sob story. I enjoyed it, I really did. There were some really interesting one-liners and phrases that vouch for the author’s talent, but the overall story fell short. Maybe I missed something or my two brain cell couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of this book, whatever it was, this fell short for me as well. 

Hookah by Cameron Jace

This is book 4 in the Insanity series and focuses on Pillar who is on his way to the save the world with Alice because if they don’t then the people of the world would succumb to a virus which might just destroy them. And they better hurry because the clock’s ticking. 

I’ve loved every book in this series so far and this one did not disappoint. I was also surprised how incredibly fast-paced it was. The whole novel ends in a few hours and there’s so much happening with the characters that you just keep reading and don’t realize you’ve reached the end until you do. This book will keep you turning page after page from the edge of your seat, so be warned. 

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns by Julie C. Dao

This is book 1 in the Rise of the Empress series and is an Asian-inspired retelling which follows Xifeng who hails from the lower class but is destined for greatness according to the stars by becoming the Empress of Feng Lu. And when she finally decides to embrace her destiny by embracing the darkness within her, Xifeng has no choice but do things she didn’t want to but would do them to gain what she truly wants. 

I loved this book so much! Reading an Asian inspired retelling was a novelty I didn’t know I needed in my life. Everything was perfectly executed in this book and I’m so glad I finally got to read this book as I started reading it a couple of years ago but couldn’t get to it. But now that I’ve read it, I’m so incredibly happy and can’t wait to read the rest of the series. 

Red Sister by Mark Lawrence

This is book 1 in the Book of the Ancestor series and revolves around the life of Nona who is taken to the Covent of Sweet Mercy where girls are trained to be killers because of an incident that could’ve cost her, her future. Nona learns a lot and makes a lot of friends and some enemies at the Convent, but when her past inevitably finds her, she has no choice but to face it or die trying. 

The book started out great. I loved the setting and the whole academia aspect of this book, to the point, that I wanted to be in this world. But the story started to drag during part two, to the point that we’re just reading about Nona’s daily routine. I understand why the author did that, but I started to feel bored and I didn’t want to feel bored. But I found myself skimming through the second half until I reached the climax. The ending was kind of confusing for me, but I would be reading the other books in the series as I did enjoy it, overall. 

So these are the books I read in the month of March. I wish I would’ve read more but I’m glad I got to read so many books even if I regretted reading some of them. Let me know if you’ve read any of the books and what you thought of them. I would love to know. I just hope I make better reading choices in the month of April. 

[lostplay]

Game 41: Pupperazzi Pupperazzi has a simple premise, take pictures of cute puppers doing pupper like things. In a lot of ways, the way the game frames it, what it asks of you, and how it goes about it's sandbox world can at times be pleasant and other times be maddeningly frustrating. It really just comes down to the way certain pictures are described as, and how far you are willing to go with this game. If you simply want to get through the game, start to finish, I think Pupperazzi will be more than pleasant, but going for a 100% run will get tiring very fast. A lot of the levels you visit really have dogs in really cute set ups, from enjoying time at the beach, to their own doggie town with a park, to, yes, the moon. There is a lot of creativity and excitement to see these puppers in different situations, sets, and interactions with things. Honestly each level gives something different and engaging to be had at all times, and it's really fun to just take good pictures of puppers without the real need to do much else. Sadly, this game isn't as care free as the likes of Katamari Damacy, and there are plenty of missions you have to set off to do that don't demand much, but certainly feel like they can ruin the joy of what ultimately should be just taking pictures. Most of these missions are very easy, usually "take a picture of a dog on a bike" or "have this many dogs in a photo", but there are plenty of missions that feel so obtuse or confusing that it feels like you are missing something that the mission doesn't tell you. Sometimes too, you could be missing something by the way of camera / lens upgrades that can help change your outlook on taking certain pictures. This by all means isn't the worse thing out there, but if you want to do everything, suddenly those missions you avoided because they were too confusing just got a whole lot messier with all the options put in front of you. Ultimately, I think most people will enjoy Pupperazzi with a glance, but if you start to stick around and try to unlock everything, the more noticeable the flaws of this game become. If you're into getting all the achievements or just really like 100% games, I would look far away from this game, for everyone else, enjoy cute pupperazzi-ing.

[retsuunohana]

im seeing the whole "heroine" debate rear its head again wrt rukia/orihime and i think it really comes right down to a willful and fundamental misunderstanding of how the term "heroine" is applied to western media vs a manga and people are imposing a standard that doesnt fit.

in the original interview, orihime is named the series "heroine" bc its referring to her being the hero's romantic partner and interest (obv theres more to her character than that), but i think i lot of Certain People took this to mean it somehow diminishes rukias role/importance despite the fact that in the same interview she is dubbed ichigos "nakama" and thats held true through the entire series.

 that doesnt mean she isnt important, shes the deuteragonist of the series. her not being named the series heroine in this context is not a slight to her character when she is consistently given importance to the story and plot in the vein of the mc (to the point where she is definitely the main character of the soul society) but people are persistent about misinterpreting this for the sake of condemning kubo.

we all fucking know better and we know what was meant. thats why i keep saying willful misinterpretation. you all know better. you know its a difference of context and youre comparing two different things. come on now.

there are some people that like to stoke arguments and stuff but imo you just look stupid when its so obvious that this is putting a manga to western writing standards . you know what was said stop being so fucking obtuse about it on purpose

in fact, i think its really odd that a group of people interpreted “rukia is not the protagonist’s romantic partner” as being diminishing to her character or diminishing her representation in the series. it’s reminiscent of when 685 came out and revealed rukia to be a captain and it was highly praised, but then 686 came out and it was revealed that rukia had accomplished this while simultaneously being married to renji (see: not ichigo) and suddenly this accomplishment is rendered worthless to these same fans, or that according to these people she was somehow slighted in terms of her character development and ending. make it make sense. when it comes down to it, you feel rukia is slighted because she is not ichigos romantic partner or interest. you feel rukia is slighted because the possibility of such has been refuted multiple times on separate occasions. and lastly, you base so much of rukia’s worth on whether or not she is romantically involved with ichigo, that any amount of character progression she accomplishes removed from the context of her relationship to him is deemed worthless by you because she isnt his wife. grow up. you arent sly

[heyheydidjaknow]

You are so good at writing L. It’s everything I love to see with him. I think as much as he valued Light for being his intellectual equal he really appreciates ‘normal’ people. He does a lot of work to save people, to protect average life. Near says in the one shot that L told him he doesn’t do his work for justice but as a hobby, regardless tho in the show, and in the spin off L change the worLd, he was willing to risk and then give up his life for people. UGH. I love him so much. He needs someone to make him feel like a person

I dunno if I need to put a spoiler warning here or anything I think this is more an authorial intent warning. Regardless, if you mind authorial intent stuff, beware.

It’s important to keep in mind that he was adopted at 8 years old and then was allowed to be in solitary confinement for years. He’s not close enough to the outside world to relate to it but he’s not socially obtuse. He understands how to operate in normal society at the level an 8-year-old does, and he understands how to interact with people in regards to his work— he can keep up a conversation about things relating to his job reasonably well– but I don’t think he spent enough time socializing– he was probably just a generally weird kid– to be comfortable in society. He does seem to enjoy spending time with people to some extent– he doesn’t seem uncomfortable around the others in the task force and he apparently enjoys concerts and amusement parks– but he isn’t so comfortable with people to know how to make friends past that. He seems unapproachable, stuck in his own head, and typically people don’t talk to people stuck in their own heads. I think there was a point in his life– probably early on– when he was genuinely doing this for the funsies. Eventually, though, if you constantly expose yourself to a bunch of terrible people, have to look into every single one of their actions, you have to do one of two things. You either decide to let the fact that there are thousands of people who commit horrible crimes for stupid reasons get to you, hate the world, go use your intellect to bring the whole world down, and impose your intellectual rule which, realistically, would probably make you no better than the people you’re trying to catch, or decide not to care, to let these terrible crimes become abstract and just view it as a game, realize that in your position you only have so much power, take out what evil people can’t be caught normally because allocation of resources and let it be a hobby. He chose the latter, which was probably better than the alternative, but on the way to committing to that decision he lost some of his humanity. I can’t speak to the external works, but I think that’s why he was so passionate about the Kira case; it’s not just that it was challenging– though that’s probably what he tells himself is the reason– but it’s harder to be distant from the deaths of hundreds as opposed to tens. No matter how inhuman he is, no matter how little he reacts to the gruesome, sadistic people he’s usually tasked with, the impersonal slaughter of hundreds of people who were already doing their time is just a whole other level of inhuman.

I think that’s why he cares so much about this relationship. It’s a reality check. The other people in his life grew up in the same situation– teaching themselves to trivialize human life, to distance themselves, or losing their minds to megalomania and hatred for the world– and can’t sympathize with people. They, in fact, sympathize with them less than L does; Near is not so much using distance as a coping mechanism as much as he is trying to replicate L and Mellow is just being Mellow because they came to the house, presumably, way earlier than L did. Having someone come up to him, a normal person who has an average attachment to humanity, and interact with him is a big deal. He relates to you in a different way than he can relate to Watari or the other kids, because he can relate his personal experiences of giving a shit about humanity to yours and fill in the gaps he hasn’t been able to fill for a decade. This sudden reminder of what people are usually is also why he had that introspective moment, like how you don’t know how much you are starving until you eat. That’s also why he is so apologetic and hesitant to get close to you; after having a chance to realize how different he is from them he doesn’t want to make them like him. His existence is almost inhuman; what kind of horrible person would want to encourage that?

It’s not that you’re the first person to care about him. You’re just the first to identify, without prompting, what he needs emotionally as opposed to what he says he needs.

[themattress]

So, I made this post on a whim yesterday. But having slept on it, I realized...

There is also schadenfreude.

See, there exists a certain gaming blog I will not name, but many years ago when the first two HD remasters were still fresh, the blogger did posts on the KH games. And they hated KH2, with their criticisms sometimes being accurate (KH2 certainly isn't perfect, after all) but most times being either obtuse misconceptions (or willful misrepresentations) about things, or anger at its narrative for daring to do things they didn't personally like: how dare it make the tortured souls Roxas and Namine commit existential suicide for Sora and Kairi's sakes, how dare it have certain characters atone through sacrificial death, how dare it have Sora just straight-up kill his enemies, how dare it treat Nobodies as lesser beings, and how dare it also frame the Nobodies' situation as tragic while at the same time doing things like having them be so cartoonishly evil so that we and Sora don't have to feel bad about killing them and stopping them from "getting their hearts back". Yes, I know some of these are flat-out wrong ("existential suicide", "getting their hearts back", etc.) but it's what the blogger really said.

Thus, while not caring for Days much either, the blogger praised "the handheld trilogy" and especially the final chapter of Coded and BBS' "Blank Points" for being about "writing the wrongs of KH2" (woah, deja vu) by recognizing that it was wrong for Roxas and Namine to reassimilate into Sora and Kairi rather than be their own physical existences, it was wrong for Axel and Ansem the Wise to die to achieve atonement, it was wrong for the villains to be killed, it was wrong for Nobodies to be seen as inhuman and doomed to be without hearts, and above all it was wrong of Sora and the player to go along with any of this so they have to "redeem" themselves now. They unironically saw erasing consequences as a good thing!

And then they got to 3D, and 0.2 BBS, and KH3...and they were absolutely horrified. KH2 was supplanted by 3D as their most hated game, it and 0.2 BBS wrecked a lot of the series' past for them, and KH3 was disappointment after disappointment all the way to its highly undercooked conclusion. I'm not sure if they ever truly got it, they may have chalked it up to a failure of execution rather than concept, but I know better: the very concept of what they had been praising a while back was the issue. If you don't like how things went, fine. You do you. But all of those things being reversed, usually in ways that ties the whole series narrative and internal logic in knots because that's the only way the reversals can happen, ends up doing far worse harm. It makes everything predictable, sanitized and safe. It neuters stakes and dulls the audience's investment in the fate of the characters. It enforces a nihilistic view that nothing in Kingdom Hearts actually matters, something KH3 only reinforced when its DLC was packed with further reversals to things that were complained about, with the set-up for KH4 that promises to reverse what happened to Sora. Time, space, memory, logic, continuity, life, death, existence....none of it matters, it's all bendable by the whims of Nomura (which are often influenced by the whims of vocal fans). And let's be real: to end up not caring about what happens in a story and to characters is far worse than just disliking what happens.

This is why KH2 - and its ending - has become so widely treasured as of late. Because it felt like it mattered. Sacrifices were made, prices were paid, not everything was fully resolved or wrapped up happily, but that just gave the ending so much more weight. Treating it as wrong and something that had to be reversed because a minority of crybabies on the internet wanted that is a big part of what doomed the series, and I'm so glad that's being recognized.

I hate Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance. Everything about it.

However - there is one scene in particular that I absolutely despise above all others. Don't get me wrong, every other cutscene is bad, many of them even rage-inducing....but none of them quite measure up to this one in its wretchedness. Which one is it, you ask? THIS one.

So after Xigbar reiterates the bullshit Inception-esque "dream within a dream" plot twist that Sora is currently experiencing all because he happens to have an "X" on his clothes (yes, that is an actual thing that Nomura wrote), Sora just randomly declares that Nobodies have hearts after all. What does his base this on? The memories from 358/2 Days that he experienced.

"Axel and Roxas and Namine, and that other girl. I felt what Roxas felt and they laughed together, got mad, and they grieved. You have to have a heart to cry."

First off, "that other girl" shouldn't be here. In 358/2 Days, Namine specifically said "If you return your memories to him, you'll disappear. And since everything about you was built on those memories...no one will remember you when you're gone. There won't be any "you" to remember. I can't save you, Xion--even a memory of you." But this game, just like Coded before it and KH3 after it, is flagrantly ignoring that because the rabid fanbase that Days / Xion / the Seasalt Trio developed, particularly in Japan, demanded Xion back and because he's a clout-chasing coward Nomura complied, the story's internal logic be damned.

Secondly, all of the characters Sora mentioned are special cases. Roxas and Namine were special Nobodies built upon a literal heart-to-heart relationship (Sora and Kairi), allowing them to feel things at the cost of having no memory, when for normal Nobodies it's the other way around. Xion was not a Nobody, she was a replica with a heart constructed from memories. Of course she felt stuff. Lastly, this game continues to ignore that Axel's feelings were...off. Making a connection with a heart allowed him to start feeling things, but his Nobody nature was still technically heartless and self-centered, which meant that his feelings were purely based on himself and what his friends mean to him. He never cared about them the way someone is actually supposed to, as that depth of feeling was still foreign to him.

And finally, this seems to be in direct response to that stupid Tomoko Kanemaki-made scene from KH2:FM of Roxas talking with Axel's ghost and they wax poetic about what a heart is and what it means to have one, ending in a shot where Axel is seen shedding tears ("You have to have a heart to cry"). But even that scene, as bad as it was, was still written with Nojima's KH2 scenario in mind where the answer is a philosophical difference between a literal heart, which Nobodies can't have, and a metaphorical heart, which they can develop through bonding with someone with a heart and find a way to exist (as evidenced by Axel even having a ghost at all) within that someone's heart. But now, we get this from Xemnas:

"A heart is never lost for good. There may have been variances in our dispositions, but a number of us unquestionably showed signs of a burgeoning replacement. Once born, the heart can also be nurtured. Our experiments creating Heartless were attempts to control the mind, and convince it to renounce its sense of self. But understand, one can banish the heart from the body, but the body will try to replace it the first chance it gets, for as many times as it takes. And so I knew, even after we were divided into Heartless and Nobodies, it was just a temporary separation."

Where do I even begin?

"A number of us unquestionably showed signs of a burgeoning replacement"? Is this Nomura's way to "explain" why the Organization reacted emotionally on many occasions? Except that was already explained in KH2! As Yen Sid said, their behavior is a ruse to pretend that they have hearts and properly exist, and as Saix said, it's their memories of their human selves and the feelings they felt with hearts that allow them to do this. We literally SEE Demyx drop the facade and show his true unemotional colors right before fighting him!

"One can banish the heart from the body, but the body will try to replace it the first chance it gets". Um, HOW? The body shouldn't be able to recreate a heart because in this universe the body never created the heart to begin with! The literal title of the series, Kingdom Hearts, is where all hearts are born and where all hearts return to. We established that in Game 1!

There was talk earlier about puppets like Pinocchio "growing" a heart, but that's not even the case. As seen earlier in KH2's Space Paranoids and later in KH3's Toy Box, it's not that the non-living thing "grows" a heart, it's that Kingdom Hearts grants them a heart specifically based upon the feelings someone with a heart has toward them. Gepetto, Ansem the Wise, Andy, etc. The hearts didn't just come out of nowhere from nothing like this game suggests.

For that matter, the heart is established as holding the essence of a person; it's who they are. The whole reason Nobodies "don't exist" is because while they have the body and soul of a person plus the memories of said person, without a heart they are not actually that person, who is actually now a Heartless. So is Xemnas saying the body can grow a new freaking person? Then what will become of the original person once they're purified from being a Heartless? The same bullshit of "recompleting" that Lea and co. underwent? But doesn't that contradict the notion that Nobodies are their own individuals who supposedly deserve to live as such? Also, why does all of this only apply to the Organization? What about all of the lesser Nobodies, like the Dusks? Can they not also "regrow" their hearts? Did Nomura think any of this out at all before committing it to script form? And at this point, Sora yells out:

"Why, then? Why did you lie to them and tell them they had no hearts?"

Yep, that's right. Even though Yen Sid also said they had no hearts, Ansem the Wise's research turned up that they had no hearts, and they themselves largely behaved as though they had no hearts, apparently it was all just a lie Xemnas concocted, stripping away half the depth that he and the Organization in general had. Xemnas is now depicted as just a simplistic bad guy and the others save for Xigbar as total victims of brainwashing. Hilariously, the narrative tap-dances around how, if this is true, then Sora and the other heroes now look way more questionable for killing them. The bullshit train keeps chugging as Xigbar says:

"Xemnas and Xehanort formed the Organization for a specific reason - round up a bunch of empty husks, hook them up to Kingdom Hearts, then fill them all with the exact same heart and mind. Translation--they were gonna turn all the members into Xehanort."

So now the claim is that Xemnas, who totally had Xehanort's heart inside him even when Ansem existing should render that impossible, was gonna use the power of Kingdom Hearts to copy-paste that heart into the other Organization members as part of Xehanort's plan to forge the X-Blade. Just like with the claim that Ansem's goal was the Seven Princesses rather than the Final Keyhole they unseal, this clashes with what we actually saw in the previous games. Why would Xemnas do anything he did if this was the plan? The event that got him his thirteenth "vessel" also set the Seven Princesses loose, then several of those "vessels" perished, and yet he carried on with the plan anyway? KH3 tries to do damage control by suggesting Xemnas was out to betray Xehanort, but that just creates more issues with this abominable retcon trying to force separate villainous plans as part of some convoluted whole.

Xigbar then follows all this up with:

"Me? I'm already half Xehanort!"

.....Moving on. Xemnas proceeds to give us this absolute howler:

"However -through weakness of body...weakness of will...or weakness of trust--most of the original members we had chosen for the Organization were inadequate. Thus, naturally, they never had a chance to attain their goal."

MOST of the original Organization members were inadequate!?

Um, yeah, let's flash forward to KH3 and see who made the cut:

Xemnas Xigbar Vexen Saix Demyx Luxord Marluxia Larxene Xion (as a replacement for Roxas)

So basically, 9 out of 13. Only 4 (Xaldin, Lexaeus, Zexion and Axel) "failed".

.....Xemnas, I don't think that the word "most" means what you think it means.

Then we get to the big, dramatic confrontation as Sora yells:

"Just stop it! You treat people's hearts like bottles on a shelf, but they're not! Hearts are made of the people we meet, and how we feel about them-- they're what ties us together even when we're apart! They're what...make me strong."

This is a good line, but Xigbar proceeds to ruin it with his comeback:

"Duh! You're strong because of the ties you have with other people. As if the Keyblade would choose a wimp like you. But no pouting. We see much bigger and better things in your future...once you side with us."

To which Sora replies:

"I know the Keyblade didn't choose me, and I don't care. I'm proud to be a small part of something bigger--the people it did choose! My friends. They are my power!

Beyond this callback to a famous line in the original game feeling cheap, Nomura doesn't even seem to actually remember the scene in which the line was used! Because the Keyblade DID choose Sora in that scene, precisely because of how he bonded his heart with others and took strength from them. In fact, he may be the ONLY person the Keyblade has "chosen" in this series - the allegedly worthier "other people" who appear in the above image have either had their Keyblade bequeathed to them by a prior wielder, transformed another weapon into a Keyblade, or wield a Keyblade specifically because Sora can wield it. (Also, why are Terra, Aqua, Ven and Xion even there? Calling them Sora's "friends" is a huge stretch, especially when people like Namine and HPO who fit the bill better aren't present! And if them not having Keyblades is the excuse given, I must point out that Donald and Goofy are also here! So are they part of "the people it did choose"!? Where is the consistency!?)

This combined with Xehanort's later "dull, ordinary boy" remark reeks of Nomura being touchy about criticism BBS got for making Sora out to be more special than he was supposed to be which led to him overcorrecting here....which doesn't even stick given Data!Ansem the Wise's later monologue about Sora and the events of KH3. Just terrible, contradictory writing.

I hate Dream Drop Distance. I hate the convoluted dream mechanics, I hate Yen Sid's whole Mark of Mastery test and the stupidity and hypocrisy he displays as it unfolds, I hate the literal TWEWY cast being present, I hate the Lea subplot, I hate Maleficent and Pete doing nothing, I hate the shafting of Kairi, I hate the Sora/Riku queer-baiting, I hate young Xehanort, and I hate all of the screwy, time travel-based retconning and twist reveals in the last act that essentially destroyed the whole series. But this fucking scene in particular, I hate above all.